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dr-futbol-blog · 2 months

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The Gift, Pt. 1

The penultimate episode of the season The Gift (S01E18) is a Teyla-centric episode, and really sets up her arc for the remainder of the series. The 'gift' is a reference* to her particular brand of 'the shining,' the special connection she has to the wraith on a genetic level. It also allows us to see the expedition one step closer to total annihilation. They are nearing their collective 'dark night of the soul,' hitting rock-bottom, the peak of their desperation.

We start with what appears to be Teyla's dream within a dream. We are shown Atlantis at night as it might be, business as usual. It is unclear whether this is a reflection of how things have been recently in their actual state or whether this is how Teyla has been seeing and/or interpreting things to be. That is, it's not certain whether she is dreaming McKay being in his lab in want of coffee and Sheppard asleep in his bed, or that we are to understand this being the case and her dream involving just the wraith disrupting this normal state of affairs in the city. Both layers of her dream feature Sheppard, the first one sleeping in his bed and the other one having been killed by a wraith, his drained corpse laying in the same bed. Dreams have no meaning, Heightmeyer later tells us.

Both Sheppards of Teyla's dream have the poster of Johnny Cash on the wall of his quarters that Teyla had actually seen in Sheppard's self-constructed reality in Home (S01E08). While he does get one for his room later on, he shouldn't have one at this time, not yet. Sheppard was allowed to bring one personal item with him, and he had chosen a video tape of the Miracle in Miami game from 1984, and he had also brought a copy of War and Peace** (which can also be seen on his bedside table in the dream). Sheppard does not yet seem to have the poster in his room in Atlantis during Home (which this episode seems to intentionally call-back to). So, this is an odd detail.

All of this--the poster on the wall where it shouldn't be, the wrong angle from which Sheppard's room is shot (usually, his room is seen from the right side of the bed), the door to his quarters being on the wrong side of the room, and McKay being out of coffee (they should have been out of coffee ever since Chaya drank the last of it during Sanctuary, S01E14)--suggests that what we are seeing does not correspond with actual reality but is symbolic, is all fabrication of her subconscious mind.

And since we are introduced to the expedition psychologist Kate Heightmeyer in this episode, even though she tells her that dreams are basically meaningless, having dream symbolism in the episode would make sense. Sheppard does eventually get the poster for his room but not until they have re-established contact with Earth. Her seeing it in his room before it happens may even be foreboding, some form of augury on her part. But the fact that we were previously introduced both to the poster and to his copy of War and Peace in the same episode is not meaningless.

Teyla is startled awake from her first-order dream and, still asleep, she seeks out Sheppard in his quarters. When Sheppard does not answer her call, she opens his door with a hand-wave and walks in (and it's never made entirely clear how locking the doors of private quarters works on Atlantis; whether the doors are programmable, whether anyone can just walk into anyone's quarters like Weir walked into Sheppard's room after knocking in Home, if Sheppard has made sure that she is able to access his room in an emergency as member of his team, or whether Teyla just dreams that she is able to walk into his room at will).

This is Teyla's dream, so we don't actually even know whether Sheppard had been sleeping in his own quarters, and if he has, the reason could simply be because McKay has still been pulling those all-nighters at his lab as is textualized in a later scene. The dead Sheppard in Sheppard's bed may even be symbolic of the fact that in her subconscious, she knows that her leader does not sleep there. With that being said, it is suspicious that they show everyone else's quarters but McKay's. They hold off showing his quarters for a long time and even then we only get a quick peek.

It is of course possible that Sheppard had been sleeping in his own bed. This may well be the case. But the following morning when we find Sheppard and Teyla training in the same Athosian martial art we saw them practicing in Hot Zone (S01E13), they have a conversation that once more calls into question whether he does, in fact, sleep alone:

Sheppard: You OK? Teyla: Yes. Sheppard: Are you sure? Cos it's usually me picking my butt up off the mat. Teyla: Truthfully, I have not been sleeping much. And when I do, I have been having nightmares about the Wraith. Sheppard: Well, you're not the only one.

They could definitely use some quality bonding time together following the events of the previous episode.

First thing to note is that Sheppard has no problem kicking her ass if she's going to let him because he sees her as a warrior first and woman somewhere way down the line. It is uncharacteristic of her to be losing this badly, though, so he is starting to get worried about her. But more importantly, Sheppard doesn't actually say that he has been the one having nightmares about the wraith, or that he has been the one not sleeping much lately. It is a natural assumption to make and one that Teyla probably makes, as well. Only, it would be very unlike Sheppard for him to make himself vulnerable like that, to confess that he has a weakness.

Yes, they are friends, they are close, he does at least sometimes try to share personal things with her, to connect with her. But clearly there is nothing wrong with Sheppard's physical prowess, here, compared to hers. He even admits it himself that usually Teyla is beating him with little effort. So it follows that he is not the one who has been sleeping poorly, and as he has not been sleeping poorly, he also has not been the one having nightmares about the wraith. We also learn a few episodes hence that his nightmares are about what he had to do to Col. Sumner, not about the wraith as such. Also, he makes the comment much too casually (ie., the casualness is feigned) for him not to be genuinely concerned about who ever he is talking about.

So. There is someone else that has not been sleeping much (and this much even Teyla knew in her dream, McKay is becoming seriously sleep-deprived) working around the clock. And even when he does sleep, he has nightmares about the wraith. McKay, who has personally been to several hives, has seen the wraith up close and personal, has watched a wraith almost kill Sheppard without being able to stop it. Yeah, whether or not Sheppard is talking about him, McKay has definitely been having nightmares about them. Sheppard further has a strange reaction to Teyla mentioning his father being taken, here ("It has not been so bad since my father was taken"). Yes, Sheppard has issues with his family and we have just recently been reminded of this. But his father is still alive. McKay's parents, we already know, are both dead. Teyla and McKay may be paralleled in this, as well.

It follows that Sheppard is likely not talking about himself when he makes the comment that Teyla is not the only one that has been having nightmares about the wraith, he's not going to leave an opening like that for anyone at this time, is not even able to expose himself like that, to make himself vulnerable like that, to anyone but McKay. So he has to be talking about someone else. And if he has personally been sleeping poorly, it's because he has had to sleep in his too-small bed alone where McKay has had no time for sleeping whatsoever. But compared to everyone else, it seems like Sheppard has been the one getting sleep.

This is all but confirmed as they return to this very topic in the following scene in the meeting room where a large contingent of the expedition have gathered, among them both scientists and military personnel. The meeting is already underway as we join them:

Weir: I want options. McKay: You mean, besides crying ourselves to sleep? Well, not me! I haven't slept in days. Weir: And what do you have to show for your sleepless nights, Rodney?

The lady doth protest too much. He frigging volunteers this information completely unprompted. He admits it himself that he has been sleeping poorly if at all recently. He is the only other person besides Teyla that we know for a fact has not been sleeping lately. That tracks with what Sheppard was saying to Teyla. But he also says crying ourselves to sleep. Ourselves. Ourselves.

Also, while he does not look at Sheppard, he does gravitate toward him as he says this. He turns his head and says the first part to Sheppard and then turns to Zelenka with his explanation as though Zelenka--his closest lab collaborator--is the one who most needs to be convinced that McKay hasn't been sleeping for days. If anyone should know whether he has been sleeping or not, surely it should be Zelenka. Now, I'm not suggesting that McKay and Sheppard have actually been bawling their eyes out ugly-crying together every night because a) Sheppard has been trying real hard not to feel anything at all and b) they're both grown-ass men. But this is highly likely to be an example of parapraxis, of unwittingly speaking out thoughts that one tries to put outside of consciousness. At the very least the show has gone out of its way to make us think about their sleeping arrangements over several episodes.

Over the seasons we learn that Sheppard and McKay know so much both random shit and extremely private information about each other that it would not be out of the question for the two of them having spent these, what they believe of be their final days (and nights) not only together but alive at all, sharing things about one another in the small hours (whether in the bed that they most definitely share together at this time, or in "the game" room, if you prefer). And some of those things probably at least make you want to cry, knowing the kind of crap the two of them have been through in their respective lives that we have been hinted at. So, yeah. While what McKay says might not be literally true and he's certainly not admitting to it even if it was, the thought did not come out of nowhere. Also, when we find him exiting the office of Heightmeyer later, McKay does seem to be wiping his eye so it is entirely possible there has been some weeping in his recent past.

The scene in the meeting room has some interesting cuts again. We are not shown Sheppard and McKay in the same frame at all but they are not standing as far apart as they first seem. Only Teyla is between them, and they (and Zelenka) are all leaning against the tables to allow the people standing behind them a better view. There are, once more, marines standing guard at the meeting showing us the precautions Sheppard has been taking (and the fact that he has done this may have spared them a lot of trouble down the line as, unbeknownst to them, there is a wraith loose in the city at this time).

And once more, we don't see the beginning of the meeting, we don't see people coming into the room and settling to their places. When the meeting is already underway, everyone's attention is on Weir. Weir tells them that she would like everyone to focus on what they do best so it's fascinating that in this meeting, McKay is being somewhat combative and Sheppard is being conciliatory, again telling us which one of them has not been sleeping.

Now, what McKay and Zelenka are doing in the meeting can only be described as bickering:

McKay: Well, since we've got here, we've uncovered a number of defensive weapons systems beyond the shield. Wh-- Zelenka: We think our best option is the control chair. McKay: I was gonna say that. Zelenka: Yes, but you were taking too long as usual. McKay: Yes, but the point is, this may not be our best chance. Zelenka: Name a better one. Weir: Gentlemen!

First of all, Zelenka says that McKay usually takes too long which is something that Sheppard might heartily agree with. See discussion on Sheppard having helped speed McKay up and McKay having helped slow Sheppard down in connection with The Brotherhood (S01E17). Sheppard, of course, has suffered from this affliction of his more than most but Zelenka is also clearly running out of patience with hm.

The fact that McKay would ordinarily be doing this kind of back-and-forth in a meeting with Sheppard is only emphasized by Weir's "Gentlemen!" which she has had to say to the two of them several times previously. With regards to bickering, I have referred before to the scene in First Strike (S03E20) where Sheppard finds the two of them all bickered out, which actually makes him worried because he's so used to them working together that way. When they do start bickering again, Sheppard flippantly suggests that they should just make out to get it over with but he had been genuinely concerned to find them not bickering. Listening to this exchange must be comforting to Sheppard because, for one, he likes listening to McKay and second, Zelenka actually forces him to walk other people through his thinking and somewhat translates him to a lay audience.

So, in the previous scene we saw Sheppard with his best buddy doing physical exercise and here we see McKay with his best buddy doing some mental sparring (I mean, Beckett does theoretically hold the title of his best friend but in this episode, Sheppard-Teyla and McKay-Zelenka are clearly paralleled; it is meant to highlight to us the difference between friendship and something that is more than that). It's very poetic. But when we compare the way McKay bickers with Zelenka and the way he usually banters with Sheppard (which also happens toward the end of this scene), there is a difference. Often, McKay and Sheppard are going back-and-forth because they enjoy it, they want to get a reaction out of the other, it's teasing but good-natured, they are doing it to get closer to the other person. With Zelenka, they are actually in contest, trying to one-up each other. They are actually sick of having spent so much time in each other's presence recently and are airing the frustration born out of this. It is very differently motivated. For Sheppard and McKay it builds tension, for McKay and Zelenka it diffuses it.

Weir doesn't seem to have patience for the McKay and Zelenka show any more than she has for the McKay and Sheppard show, so she changes the topic. They have established an Alpha Site on another world:

Weir: Sergeant Bates: where are we with our Alpha site? Bates: We've completed the ground and aerial security sweep and are ready to begin establishing base camp. We're just awaiting final inspection by Major Sheppard. Sheppard: Right after lunch.

So, apparently Sheppard has lunch plans and can't go before. Which is real fucking interesting considering that in that the next scene, we find Teyla eating alone and being joined by Heightmeyer. The fact that Sheppard makes explicit reference to lunch and then we don't see him having lunch with his best work-out buddy and team member with whom he should be going to the Alpha Site right after lunch is something. That is a damn lampshade.

And like McKay turned his head toward Sheppard when he mentioned the crying ourselves to sleep thing, Sheppard here nods to McKay's direction as he mentions lunch, glancing at him from behind Teyla's head. It's not that he's meaning to signal to everyone what (or who) he will be doing for lunch, it's a subconscious gesture. It's his body-language revealing things that he has no conscious desire to disclose to anyone.

Weir and Teyla have a discussion about what the Athosians intend to do during this time that turns somewhat philosophical. Note that Weir and Teyla are mirroring each other, Teyla is tilting her head to the same direction as Weir whereas Sheppard... isn't (in fact, his head was tilted the exact opposite way; his face turned to McKay while keeping his eyes looking forward).

Note also the fact that here Teyla emphasizes the word "ourselves," indicating that she means herself and Sheppard, which just makes McKay's "ourselves" earlier so much more likely to also contain Sheppard. And Sheppard also reacts to this "ourselves" in particular; they probably briefly share in the memory of what they saw on the planet. We did not get to see how if at all he reacted to what McKay said earlier about the crying ourselves to sleep.

Weir then mentions McKay by name, prompting him to do a little wave to acknowledge what she was saying, accompanied with a raising of his brow. He also looks at Sheppard because obviously his reaction is what he most cares about. And where Zelenka seems to be so very done with McKay at present, Sheppard on the other hand, is all about him. His entire world is oriented to McKay.

Sheppard almost smiles at McKay, catches himself before he does. They cannot be seen mooning at each other during a meeting especially when there are goddamn marines standing just behind Weir looking right at them. This is a subtle exchange between the two but in that context, really rather bold.

I will also remind you of the fact that when McKay was removing the control crystal in Home (the episode is again calling back to it), kneeling underneath the table with Sheppard seated next to him completely zoning out, Sheppard was so damned turned on. This was when they were still just flirting. When nothing had happened. When Sheppard had only his imagination, and a cold shower waiting for him. Now, I can't tell you for sure that this memory is where Sheppard's mind went here but it certainly is the first thing it reminded me of. Especially given that McKay's flirtatious little wave here matches with his flirty tone back then.

Weir and Teyla go on for quite a while and are only interrupted by Kavanaugh who, as an honest coward, has no desire to die. The thing is, Sheppard doesn't really know what happened between Weir and Kavanaugh during 38 Minutes (S01E04) beyond possibly reading the mission report. We know that later on he really hates the man which, to be fair, seems to be a common experience for pretty much anyone that runs into him including actual aliens. But here, Sheppard doesn't really have any reason to dislike him. And you can see that while he very much disagrees with what Kavanaugh says and even makes light of it (he is playing with words and Kavanaugh either fails to notice or just ignores him; Sheppard is saying that considering is within the realm of possibility, not the actual doing), he is trying really hard to be respectful toward him. Sheppard's disagreement is meant to make the others believe in themselves, to keep hope alive:

Kavanaugh: We can't possibly consider staying and fighting. Sheppard: I disagree. I think it's entirely within the realm of possibility. Kavanaugh: There are tens of thousands of life-sucking aliens in highly advanced spaceships on their way here to destroy us, and we have, what, two hundred people, most of whom are scientists who've never even fired a gun before? McKay: Shockingly, first time ever I've found myself having to agree with Kavanaugh. Sheppard: All I'm saying is, let's not give up--just yet.

Sheppard looks at Kavanaugh to whom he is responding, he looks at Weir who is holding the floor, and finally he looks at McKay to see what he thinks about what he was just saying. Because that's what he cares about the most.

Yes, Sheppard is probably hoping that McKay will come up with something, some Hail Mary pass, that might save them even though he knows not to pile any more pressure on him at this moment since the man seems to be crushing under it as it is (and having nightmares and sleepless nights about it). He is trying really hard to keep an upbeat can-do attitude, and to express his faith in the scientists. What he's saying here is very similar to what the said at the beginning of the previous episode ("It means there's still time, Rodney. There's no reason to panic--yet"). And here, too, it is McKay's pessimism that makes him attempt to comfort him and him specifically. He may not be feeling any hope himself but he is damned if he's going to let his own feelings of impending doom and certain death get in the way of trying to make the person he cares about feel better about it all. This is him taking care of McKay emotionally, and in a very public setting, at that.

And since he's doing that, McKay apparently immediately transitions to having a private conversation with him that has very little to do with their current meeting, a general debate over the merits of the military and scientists with McKay arguing that warriors like Sheppard are much more courageous, gallant, and disciplined than scientists like him (although unlike Kavanaugh, McKay would not be afraid to go to the front line if it was needed), and Sheppard cheer-leading for scientists like McKay (who he knows can build an A-bomb and which, frankly, turns him on)*** that are able to do so much more than to just take a stand and lay down their lives for the greater good.

It's very sweet how they are each arguing for the other person with such conviction but their exchange clearly has the potential of turning into a more heated debate if it's allowed to go on for much longer. It does not seem like the first time they are having a discussion on this topic, either:

McKay: Now what was that we were supposed to all remember? It was something important. Oh yes, that's right--the Alamo! Sheppard: Granted you guys are scientists. No one's considering putting you guys on the front line, but science can turn the tide of war. Look at the... A-bomb. Zelenka: Not exactly our proudest moment.

McKay is clearly more testy than he usually is in meetings with Sheppard, his exhaustion showing in his need to argue for the sake or arguing even when he doesn't really disagree with Sheppard (and more shocking than his siding with Kavanaugh is that he takes, possibly for the first time, a public stance against Sheppard here; not because he doesn't think that they should fight back but believing that most of his science team will be unable). We see an even better example of McKay's exhaustion driven testiness with Weir later which Sheppard diffuses, confirming the fact that Sheppard and McKay have had a discussion about his lack of sleep not shown on screen.

It's good of Zelenka to interrupt them for the sake of everyone and for Weir to call the meeting to an end (once more telling the two of them to focus) so that they can continue this discussion over lunch. Or what ever else Sheppard had in mind to do during lunch when he definitely isn't eating in the cafeteria. While they're not exactly jumping for joy the situation being what it is, there's a clear to-be-continued here for the both of them. And as Sheppard gets up to leave, he turns to McKay.

You can see by his body language that this man is walking out of that room following McKay (just as we later see him more explicitly walk out of a meeting following McKay). That man is his Alamo.

Continued in Pt. 2

-* Since we see the poster of Johnny Cash in Teyla's dream, there may be a reference to one of his songs hiding in somewhere. See for example the lyrics to The Loving Gift (a duet with his wife June Carter):

You gave me a blanket to keep me from the cold of Siberia/Antarctic You gave me a song I learned to sing You showed me some beauty through the windows of your puddle jumper soul And you showed me a galaxy world I've never seen

Each giving to the other love and giving it away We spent the precious time we knew was borrowed 'Cause you gave me the courage to live with yesterday And you gave me tomorrow

You brought me a candle to light my way to bed You erased those shadows I'd been seeing You brought me a pillow to rest my weary head You taught me a gentle way of dreaming

Not only have we been made to think about their sleeping arrangements a lot over the past several episodes, even in this very episode we not only see Sheppard asleep in a bed, we are hinted that McKay has been having nightmares and that Sheppard is the one that pushes him to see Heightmeyer about them (see next entry), teaching him a gentle way of dreaming, as it were. For what possible reason do we need to know this much about how they spend their nights, hm?

-** So, we are told that "there are no hidden meanings" in dreams but there is certainly symbolism in scenes that pertain to dreams. There seemed to be a reference to War and Peace the last time we saw the book in Home so it follows that there's probably a reason to show us the book again in this episode. There is an interesting scene in the novel (Epilogue 1, Chapter 16--which suggests that Sheppard is almost done reading the book by this time), where a third character is startled awake from a nightmare pertaining to war (Teyla), in which Pierre (McKay) and Natasha (Sheppard) "began to talk as only a husband and wife can talk":

As soon as Natasha and Pierre were alone they too began to talk as only a husband and wife can talk, that is, apprehending one another's thoughts and exchanging ideas with extraordinary swiftness and perspicuity, contrary to all the rules of logic, without the aid of premises, deductions, or conclusions, and in a quite singular way. Natasha was so used to this kind of talk with her husband that for her it was a sure sign of something wrong between them if Pierre followed a logical train of thought. When he began proving something, coolly reasoning, and she, led on by his example, began to do the same, she knew they were on the verge of a quarrel. [Cf. the beginning of both this episode and the previous episode] From the moment they were alone together and Natasha, wide-eyed with happiness, stole up to him, suddenly seizing his head and pressing it to her breast and saying: "Now you are mine, all mine! You shan't escape!" — from that moment there sprang up a conversation that was contrary to all the laws of logic, contrary because entirely different subjects were talked of at the same time. This simultaneous discussion of many topics, far from hindering a clear understanding, was the surest indication that they fully understood each other. Just as in a dream when everything is unreal, meaningless, and contradictory except the feeling that governs the dream, so in this communion of thoughts, contrary to all laws of reason, the words themselves were not clear and consecutive, but only the feeling that prompted them. ...

"There now—you talk of my absence, but you wouldn’t believe what a special feeling I have for you after a separation....” “Yes, I should think...” Natasha began. “No, it’s not that. I never leave off loving you. And one couldn’t love more, but this is something special.... Yes, of course—” he did not finish because their eyes meeting said the rest.

The scene also features them sharing things about their pasts, their insecurities, the kinds of private thoughts couples share. This is the only time dreaming is mentioned in the entire book so if the episode is meaning to reference to the book, this chapter would be it. I don't know about you, but for me this chapter explains a lot of what happens in this episode.

-*** Here, McKay smiles bitterly as Zelenka reminds them of the role scientists had in the creation of the A bomb but in Underground (S01E07) McKay and Sheppard were having a very different discussion over the topic:

Cowen: The secrecy of who and what we are is the only defense we have against the Wraith. One day, all that will change. McKay: And you think you can do that with an atomic bomb? Cowen: Now it's you who surprise me. McKay: Well, radioactive readings; your fascination with our C4... Sheppard: You're just mentioning this now? McKay: It just came to me when he said one day all that would change. I assume you're hoping our C4 will solve your super-criticality problem. Cowen: Will it? McKay: It might. Depends on your designs. There's a host of other considerations. Sheppard: You know how to make an A bomb? McKay: Major, most of my high school chess team could design an A bomb. The actual hard part is having sufficient fissional materials of an appropriate grade.

I will also remind you of the fact that listening to Mckay talking about the A bomb on the Genii home world is when Sheppard realized that he feels something more than mere physical attraction toward this man.

#stargate atlantis #sga meta #sga #john sheppard #sheppard is bi #rodney mckay #rodney is gay #ep. the gift #ep. sanctuary #ep. hot zone #ep. home #ep. hide and seek #ep. the brotherhood #ep. first strike

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