#Me avoiding all romantic media too in order not to kill someone or myself 🤝🤝🤝🤝

[aayakashii]

GOING ABSOLUTELY COOCOO CRAZY WITH THIS RN

On the Mend

Comments: Haru x Reader fic request for @aayakashii, comfort fic about bad experiences w/ love. I usually suck at this, keep your expectations low everyone... (BTW, I think I figured out the cute gif aesthetic for this one, I hope you're proud of me, Aaya (〃^∇^)ﾉ )

The sound of the doorbell going off reverberates throughout your room in the cathedral.

You had personally installed it yourself a few weeks prior to make it easier to alert you of guests visiting, considering you generally stayed on the second floor. This was probably the first time you've heard it ring, and you weren't expecting company. 

You rolled lethargically out from underneath your blanket and pulled on a cozy cardigan that was hanging on the headboard of your bed. It was already around seven in the evening, so you're far from what you would consider to be presentable at the moment. As you make your way down the steps and towards the front door, you do your best to brush down your disheveled hair. Hopefully the visitor wasn't anyone you'd hate to look crusty in front of. Though, there was really only one person that you had to worry about that with and SURELY it isn't him. He rarely has time to leave Jabberwock, after all.

You make it to the front door and swing it open. An all too familiar eccentric captain in an orange jumpsuit is standing right outside your door. 

Some higher entity had to be playing a prank on you right now. 

"Heya, (Y/N)! You sure look cozy!" 

"Haru… what are you doing here?" You ask, quirking an eyebrow. 

"I came to check on you! I know it's late, buuut..." Haru tilts his head, observing you inquisitively. "It's Saturday! You usually come over in the early afternoon."

Your eyes widen. "Saturday...?" 

You reach into the pocket of your cardigan and pull out your phone to verify his claim.

And sure enough, he was right. 

It had been a few days since you left the cathedral because you had been recovering from a cold. That and you were in dire need of some personal time. No people, no missions, no Darkwick. 

Regardless, you most certainly didn't intend to skip out on Haru. You always went out of your way to help him on Saturdays because it was the day that you had the least obligations. The Jabberwock Captain is someone that you consider to be a close friend, so you did your best to alleviate some of his overwhelming workload. 

"Haru, I'm so, so, sorry!" You apologize with a bow. "I really didn't even notice it was Saturday. My internal clock is out of whack because I haven't been feeling well."

Haru waves his hands placatingly in the air. "No, no! I sent you a text earlier today, but I don't think you saw it, so I was making sure you're as fit as a fiddle!" The Jabberwock Captain pauses and tents his eyebrows, his lips puckering into a pout. "But you're not feeling well?"

"You sent me a text...?" 

That's right, you did turn off your message notifications for the day. 

"Mmmhm! Just asking your availability for the day. No worries, though! The farm is in tip-top shape!" Haru assures with a radiant smile. 

"I'm glad it turned out okay," You hesitate, carefully deliberating over your next words. "...Are you going to be busy anytime soon?"

The Jabberwock Captain shakes his head. "Nope! The kiddo is in bed and I have a baby monitor set up just in case!"

You avert your gaze, doing your utmost to not seem nervous. "Would you like to come inside?"

"Are you kidding? I've been dying to see your place. Count me in!" Haru readily agrees.

You lead him inside, shutting the door behind the both of you. The Jabberwock Captain walks ahead with his hands on his hips, peering around the open space with curiosity.

"I don't usually stay down here," You clarify preemptively. 

Haru lets out a low whistle. "This place is pretty big! How do you get to dusting around here?" 

"Dusting?" You chuckle at that. "I don't exactly have a ladder fit for that here."

"That's no good! Especially when you're sick! I can get a ladder real quick if you want. I'll have this whole place spic and span in no time!"

"Nooope. Not gonna happen." Immediately rejecting the idea, you walk up to Haru and take his gloved hand in yours, pulling him towards the staircase. "If I'm relaxing you are too, for once."

"If you say so... don't be surprised if you come home one day to a brand new cathedral," Haru says as he follows you. The way he wraps his fingers securely around yours doesn't go unnoticed. 

"I lock my doors before I leave," You counter.

Haru hums ambiguously behind you. 

You don't need to turn around to know why. "No lock picking, either."

The captain clicks his tongue. "Darn."

Once the two of you get upstairs, you make your way to your vintage sofa on the right side of the room. A few months ago, you picked up a smart TV when you were out in the mundane world on a mission. Currently, it was set up on a wooden media console right across from the couch. You waste no time plopping down, pulling a nearby throw blanket over you, and reaching for the remote on the end table to find something to watch. 

Rather than joining you, Haru opts to shamelessly look around the room once he kicks off his shoes by the entrance. It didn't bother you-- not now anyway. You're pretty sure you don't have anything embarrassing laying out in the open. As you search through different streaming services, you catch Haru in your peripheral periodically darting around the room.

"What's this? VHS scary movies...?" Haru asks as he stops at the bookshelf by your bed. He begins pulling out some of the tapes to further examine them. "Hey, Ren likes some of these! I've seen them in his room, too!"

With permission, surely...

"Before I got a smart TV in here, all I had was a VHS player," You explain, glancing up at him from the screen. "This place was pretty dated."

"You are the first person I've seen stay here," Haru remarks as he pushes the tapes back in their respective places. 

You divert your attention back to the television and continue scrolling through your recommended shows. It's mostly horror movies. Save for a few K-dramas that contributed to your sour mood earlier in the day. Maybe you were being petty and bitter, but romance just isn't speaking to you the way it used to.

"Doujinshi manga...?" Haru reads aloud, humming with curiosity. The nosey captain pries open the book without hesitation. "Let's take a peeksies...!"

Shit, you thought you threw that out forever ago. It was definitely kind of smutty. 

You snap your head in his direction, your cheeks burning with embarrasment. "H-Haru! That's enough sifting through my stuff for now, get your butt over here!"

The Jabberwock Captain sways his body to face your direction, a teasing smile plastered on his face. "Can I take the book?"

He so knew what he was doing. 

"No. Put it back," You retort sternly. 

"Okay, okaaay."

Haru obeys, placing the novel back where he found it before making his way towards you. When he sits down next to you, he's rather close. It gives your heart a little jumpstart, and you desperately try not to think about the fact that your knees are now touching. Sure, the captain could have sat farther away, but it's a small couch.

"What are we watching?" Haru asks as he peers at the screen ahead. "You really like horror movies, dontchya?"

"Do you?" You counter.

"I don't mind them! If I get scared, can I hold onto you?" Haru jokes.

You wish he would hold onto you anyway, but you don't say that. 

"Only if I get the same pass." Somehow you manage that without tripping over your words. You just hope you're not blushing. 

"Of course! It goes without saying-- a tooth for a tooth." Haru looks back at the screen and something you're highlighting seems to catch his eye. "Oooh, that K-drama there! Towa told me about it, he said it's really good. You watched an episode already?"

You groan, scrolling past it anyway. "Towa told me about it too. The only romance related stuff I'd be willing to watch right now is trash TV. Unhappy couples only."

You probably sound like a bitter goblin, but you're too tired to care. 

Haru quirks a skeptic eyebrow. "Unhappy only? You don't like the happy ones?"

"I just need to be injected with a little realism right now. And this isn't it," You reply, dodging the question.

Haru stares at you like he has more to say for several beats. You pretend not to notice and find the trashiest trash TV show possible. This was probably just what you needed. You silently commend your big-brained idea before clicking and starting up the show. 

"... So, I heard you missed class the last two days!" The Jabberwock Captain comments with an awkward chuckle. "What happened there?"

You flit your gaze to him as you lean back into the cushion of the couch. "And how do you know that?"

"Ahahaha..." Haru nervously musses his hair and avoids your searching eyes. "Well, your professor phoned me and what not! Yup, yup."

"Strange... I didn't realize Darkwick staff called to report an absence for a grown adult woman. To a captain who's house I'm not even a part of, no less," You remark coolly. 

Haru presses his lips into a thin line and you can practically see the sweat dripping from his forehead as he fumbles for an excuse. "Er... well. Gahaha."

You place your elbow on the armrest next to you and support your head against your knuckles, narrowing your eyes at him. "Spill."

"...Okay, so maaaybe when I installed the new 'Find My Kiddo' tracking chips on Ren's phone, they may have accidentally tumbled into your bag last time you were over?" Haru suggests, his tone as guilty as he looks. 

You harden your gaze, enunciating his name with bite. "Haru."

Haru picks up a throw pillow from behind himself and hugs it against his chest. "Okay, okay, fine! I installed it on your phone, too." The Jabberwock Captain sucks in a gust of air, near whispering his next words. "...Don't be mad?"

You click your tongue and reach a hand forward, squishing his cheek-- albeit lightly. It elicits a satisfying squeak out of him anyway. 

"I'm not mad," You assure him, tapping his chin softly before withdrawing your hand. "But why did you do that?"

Haru chews on his lip, appearing rather meek. "What if you get in to trouble? Or someone kidnaps you? Or what if you get attacked by a vicious dog on the way to campus? Anything could happen...!" 

If it were literally anyone else, this would be creepy as hell. But Haru gets a pass. He always does.

You snort, your mood lifting by the second. "A dog? Is that what I should be worried about? You're so silly, sometimes." 

Haru's expression relaxes at your response. He smiles, his eyebrows tented. "I hope you know that you can talk to me if you need to! A silly fella like me is still willing to listen."

It's not as if you're not willing to vent to Haru, but this particular topic would be strange for you to breach. On top of recovering from a cold, you had been feeling down and out regarding the lack of success in your love life. The last person that should hear about that stuff is the guy you have the hots for. 

You shoot him a wary look before tossing your gaze ahead to the TV. "What makes you think I need to talk?"

Haru shifts his eyes in the direction of your sleeping area. "Well... the filled trash can with crumpled up tissues is one thing."

Your face burns at the insinuation. "I...! I told you I wasn't feeling well! I had the sniffles!" 

Okay, that may or may not be the only reason. 

Haru pauses, turning to look towards you again. "And I noticed your stereo has a playlist paused called 'Songs to Cry to'. Not to mention your favorite comfort cookies are nestled in your sheets like a baby in a bassinet!" 

"Are you trying to embarrass me right now?" You accuse, though you don't even believe it yourself. "And when did you have a chance to notice all that?”

Haru smiles sheepishly. "I notice everything about you! Er, well I try…!”

You feel your heart catch in your throat at the unexpected comment. Why does he have to make things so complicated by being the most reliable and sweet ray of sunshine you ever laid your eyes upon? You should have figured he was snooping more than you thought. 

Sighing, you pull the throw blanket on your lap over your shoulders as you pull your knees to your chest. Maybe in an attempt to make yourself feel less exposed physically than you do emotionally right now. "...You really want me to tell you? It's pretty lame."

Haru pivots in his spot to face you and crosses his legs. "Only if you feel comfy doing it!"

You fidget underneath the blanket and train your gaze on the TV ahead. The show is playing, but the volume is currently so low you don't even need to bother adjusting it. "I feel comfortable talking to you, of course. This is just a weird topic I don't think I've brought up around you."

Haru leans his head against the back of the couch and patiently waits for you to continue.

You can't imagine Haru feeling weird about anything really. He was always the type to roll with the punches. Regardless, you ask him a question to gauge his response to the topic. 

"Have you dated anyone, Haru?"

The Jabberwock Captain pauses, pressing his lips together as he deliberates a reply. 

It's not like much time passes, but you find yourself immediately regretting the question. “You don't have to answer that, sorry!"

"Don't be! I just, er... wouldn't call it dating? Hehe." Haru scratches his face with a gloved finger. 

"...You mean like hookups?" You deadpan.

Haru nods, a nervous laugh spilling from his lips. "Yeaaah! It was like a bajillion years ago, though!"

You look at him with curiosity. For some reason that doesn't surprise you a whole lot. "How was it? Your experience with that?"

The captain's cheeks tinge pink, but he answers readily. "Hmm... at the time I probably thought it was great. Hormones and adolescence can really pull the wool over your eyes, though!"

"You aren't seeing anyone now?" The question leaves your mouth before you can consider how suggestive it may sound.

"Gahaha, there aren't enough hours in a day for all that! Unless they became a ranger for Jabberwock!" Haru suddenly sits up and smacks a fist against his open palm, like he just remembered something. "Oh, oh! That reminds me! I finally got a Jabberwock uniform for you on the way! It's lavender colored! Cute, right?"

You sigh and mentally kick yourself for how excited you feel from his impulsive word vomit. "I know you didn't mean it like that, but you did NOT time those two pieces of information together well... lavender is cute by the way, thanks."

"Hmm?" Haru stares at you, looking a little lost.

Moving on.

"I think we have had very different experiences in the romance department," You remark. "I suppose that only makes sense."

"Tell me about yours," Haru prods, his lips curling into an encouraging smile. 

"...Not great. And if I'm being completely honest, terrible." You laugh bitterly, despite yourself. 

Haru tents his eyebrows, concern etched on his features. "Terrible?"

"I'm not very experienced with intimacy," You admit, breaking away from his stare. "I rushed into things quickly before, because I was intimidated by my lack of experience. It backfired in a way..."

"How so?" Haru presses.

"Well... the whole ordeal was not only lackluster, but left me feeling humiliated and almost entirely opposed to the idea of intimacy afterwards," You explain, vaguely. 

Haru nods in understanding. "So, it was someone that you weren't comfortable with?"

You nod. "Definitely not. I suppose I thought I would be at the time, but it didn't turn out that way. They weren't the person they made themselves out to be."

"Have you dated anyone else?" 

"I've tried. It never feels right, so it doesn't go far."

Haru hums, offering you a sympathetic glance. "So, you wanna find one that does?"

You idly pull at loose strings on the hem of your sleepwear, while you gather your thoughts. "...I just kinda want to have someone special like that. But not just anyone, obviously. I know better now." 

"Clicking with people is tough work! I wish that your first experience had been more positive for you." Haru reaches a hand forward and pats your head gently. "One positive that could come from this is that if you have low expectations, you'll know what's right for you when the time comes! Maybe your next experience will be like fireworks– no second guessing.”

You laugh a little. "That's... certainly one way of looking at it. Assuming I ever find that person."

"Someone who accepts YOU fully? I bet it will be a cinch!" Haru counters enthusiastically. 

"It doesn't feel that simple," You argue unthinkingly. "I've heard plenty of people around me talk shit about other people's performance in bed. Most people would be quick to say there's nothing sexy about needing to reassure someone a lot."

Haru frowns. "Someone who cares about you won't make you feel bad about that, I promise!"

You know he's right. And you feel a bit bad for being so cynical when he's just trying to be supportive. 

You shake your head decidedly. "...Sorry, Haru! I didn't mean to sound so mopey."

A lopsided smile forms on the Jabberwock Captain's face. "Mopey is fine with me! I just hope I can help!”

"You're such a sweetheart, Haru," You comment easily, flashing him a bright smile. "Thanks. This whole curse thing sucked at first, but I'm glad it got me to meet you."

Haru creases his eyebrows and audibly gulps. "M-Me too...! I'm glad I met you too, (Y/N)."

"And you're probably right, anyway. One day, someone might be patient enough to deal with my old hangups,” You shake your head dismissively, eager to clear your thoughts. “Let's watch this show, I don't wanna waste the night away on sad topics." Fixing your gaze ahead, you lift the remote in your hand, and turn the volume on the TV up a couple of notches. 

From your right, you pick up a barely discernible voice.

"...I would."

"..."

You must be hearing things, but you think to double check anyway. Turning the volume down again, you redirect your attention to Haru. The captain's elbows are on his knees, and he's cupping his right hand over his mouth as he looks off to the side. 

Suspicious.

“Did you say something?” You ask. 

“Gahaha… did I?” The captain replies, his voice a little stifled.

Okay, so… Haru's not outright denying it. Your stomach flips. 

“...Correct me if I'm wrong.”

You watch his lips part slightly as he sucks in a sharp intake of air.

“You just said ‘I would’?” You clarify.

“Urk…!” Haru sits upright and waves his hands erratically. “Ahahahaha, ignore that– please!”

You blink, at a loss for words. Haru is such a firecracker in personality that anything he ever said or did that could be interpreted as flirtatious just felt normal for him. Did he really mean that? If anyone were to successfully help you through your trepidation with physical affection it would be someone kind-hearted and patient like Haru. 

“Crap, I didn't mean to make it weird! A-and about the tracking app! I swear I wasn't doing it to be a creep– please don't get a restraining order…!” Haru clasps his hands together and bows apologetically. “I can totally take it off, no problem!”

A bubbly laugh escapes as you witness his flustered state. “Pffft, a restraining order? What law personnel does Darkwick have to enforce that?”

Haru lowers his hands and looks up at you, his features relaxing. “Ahaha… none really? Now that I think about it.”

“Don't worry, I don't plan on doing that ever,” You assure, smiling brightly for good measure. “But did you really mean what you said?”

Haru nods sheepishly. “I think you're the bee's knees! If anyone deserves patience, it's you. You're nice, smart, helpful, and pretty,” The captain flushes as he vocalizes that last detail more quietly, before brushing past it. “You help out everyone a lot, including me! I barely got a wink of sleep for days, until you started helping around the farm a few months ago. Now I sleep semi-regularly!” 

Haru's words of praise make your stomach do backflips, but you end up fixating on his sleeping habits. You shoot him a tired look. “You still need more sleep, Haru. In fact, you should be using this time to rest!”

“No way…!” Haru protests, appearing almost offended by the suggestion. “I hardly have time to sit down with you like this. I'm way too giddy to sleep!”

You push out an exasperated sigh. Debating his unhealthy habits right now wouldn't result in anything fruitful. So, instead you decide to take his confession into consideration as you carefully mull over your next words.

“...I feel the same way about you.”

The captain snaps to attention, his expression bewildered. “Really?!”

You snort, resting your cheek on your knees as you regard him with adoration. “Don't act so surprised. You're one of the most genuine and good-natured people I've ever met. If I were to try and re-experience anything in the romance department, it would be with someone like you.”

Haru gapes, his cheeks visibly heating up again. “...No joke?” 

You shake your head. “No joke.”

Haru stills rigidly for the moment.

“S-So… what now?” He asks, maybe with a little too much anticipation.

You purse your lips together, eyeing him carefully. “What are you comfortable with?” 

“Anything!” Haru insists, his expression determined.

“Hmm… let's start small then.” You drop your feet to the ground and grab the pillow from Haru's lap, setting it on your own. Patting the soft object encouragingly, you offer an idea. “Lay down?”

“Me? But you're the one who's sick,” Haru counters.

“I'm fine now! Besides, you worked twice as hard today because I was here. So, I insist!”

Despite his initial protest, Haru wastes no time adjusting his position and plopping his head on the cushion. You turn the volume to the TV up marginally, before tentatively running your fingers through the captain's hair. Haru immediately relaxes into the touch, a sigh escaping his lips.

His hair is soft, like it had just recently been conditioned. You begin to pick up the scent of Haru's shampoo as you continue to play with it. The show displayed on the screen in front of you stars broken couples arguing about baby mama drama, but you're hardly paying attention to it. An impossible feat considering the man you harbored feelings for is at such close proximity. 

At some point you massage the pads of your fingertips against Haru's scalp, eliciting a satisfied hum from him. Without warning, the captain flips over to face your waist. He shifts to where he's able to wrap both of his arms around you as he lays across your lap. 

“You're a dream. I'm really living the high life right now,” Haru murmurs. He nestles his face closer into the fabric of your shirt as he tightens his hold on you. 

The action is so endearing you're nearly at a loss for words. His warm breath ghosting over your waist rouses a hoard of fitful butterflies in the pit of your stomach. Pushing through your nerves, you force an airy laugh. “Are you comfortable like that?” 

“Mmmhm. So comfy,” Haru replies, his voice a bit muffled.

The two of you stay like that for some time, all the while you carry on with stroking his hair. You do your best to keep your eyes locked ahead, occasionally stealing glances at the man clinging to you. Eventually, the episode comes to an end and the credits start rolling. 

“Haru, do you want to pick something…?” You ask, picking up the remote again.

No response.

You glance down and notice the rise and fall of Haru's rhythmic breathing. He's sound asleep. 

Considering how little the captain slept, the fact that he felt comfortable enough to do so is nothing short of heartwarming. The only problem is your legs are getting all tingly from falling asleep. Maybe you should just ask him to stay over considering the time? 

You adjust your position ever so slightly to get some relief for your temporarily compressed nerves. Unfortunately, this causes Haru to stir from his slumber in the process.

The arms around your waist relax and the captain props himself up on his elbows, to where he's hovering over your lap and inadvertently caging in your thighs. “Mmn… Did I just fall asleep?”

“You did, but that's okay. Do you want to lie down? I'll move the cookies and Kleenex for you,” You tease with a smirk. 

Haru languidly lifts himself to a sitting position and rubs his eyes. “...In your bed?” 

“It's getting kind of late to walk home. Only if you're comfortable with it,” You explain, doing your best to quell the anxiety you felt from proposing the idea.

Haru moves his hand from his face and blinks in surprise. 

“I'm offering so you can get proper sleep,” You clarify hastily.

“...Can we cuddle?” Haru asks, his tone hopeful. 

You let out a short laugh. “Yes, I'd love that.”

A grin splits the captain's face. “Heck, yeah! Now I'm stoked for sleep!”

“I just wanted to say… Thank you for listening to my problems. And for giving me company.”

Haru waves his hand flippantly. “Come now! I should thank you for having me! If you ever need anything, don't be shy to ask!” 

You smile teasingly. “I'll hold you to that. Anyway, let me clear off my mattress, it's a mess!” With that, you get to your feet with intention to make your way to your bed, but the sensation of pins and needles in your legs causes you to stumble forward. 

“Aaah!” Not missing a beat, Haru shoots upright and catches you in his arms. “Are you okay?!”

The faint scent of musky cologne fills your nostrils as you fall forward against the Jabberwock Captain's chest. Making a point to hardly move so as to not make the sensation any more unbearable, you rigidly lift your head. “Yup, my legs just fell asleep, ahaha.”

Haru snickers. “Darn, I hate when that happens! No worries, I gotchya!” 

You don't even get a chance to ask what he means before you're lifted from your spot on the ground and hoisted over his shoulder. 

A squeak of protest escapes your lips. “H-Haru…!”

“Trust the process!” Haru begins to walk over towards your bed, holding you in place as he goes. “You'll be down before you can say Jack Robinson, gahaha!”

“Jack Robinson, Jack Robinson, Jack Robins–” Your mantra is abruptly caught off when Haru easily lifts and maneuvers your body back first onto the mattress. You narrow your eyes up at the captain, who's hovering over you with his palms flat against the plush surface beneath you. “Two and a half times,” You point out. 

“If I went any faster, you may have gotten motion sickness!” Haru argues, puckering his bottom lip out. “Better than walking on stiff feet though, yeah?”

The captain begins to lift himself up and for some reason you find yourself abruptly catching the collar of his shirt. Haru appears mildly surprised by the action. 

“Er, s-sorry!” You hastily apologize, loosening your grip on the fabric. 

Haru tents his eyebrows and smiles, his tone amused. “You want me to stay like this?”

“That wouldn't exactly be comfortable,” You counter, fighting back a blush.

The captain hums and leans against the mattress, just between your legs that are hanging over the side. “This is comfy enough, for now!”

Your heart slams erratically in your chest as you lock eyes with Haru at such close proximity. Of course, he would immediately be receptive to any protest you have. But why exactly did you stop him from leaving? 

“I… can I kiss you?” You manage, your voice barely above a whisper. 

Haru’s cheeks tinge pink at the sudden request. Regardless, he doesn't delay in his efforts to fulfill it. You catch a glimpse of his hand moving in your peripheral before you feel it cup your cheek and tilt your face upwards. Your eyes flutter shut when you register him closing the distance.

The sensation of Haru's warm lips against yours is mind-numbing. To say you have butterflies would feel like a disservice to the unfamiliar emotions flooding over you like a tidal wave. Countless years of resolute aversion directed at the idea of sharing another kiss with someone melted away with the first chaste contact. Haru separates his lips briefly, only to reconnect with yours over and over again in a barrage of subdued and languid kisses. 

When Haru eventually pulls away, his features are completely flushed. He props himself over you with his elbows and eyes you warily. “Was that okay…?”

You bring your own hand up to touch your face. Considering how warm you feel right now there's no way he doesn't see the effect he has on you. “I think I must be down bad for you, Haru.”

The response seems to pacify the captain because he smiles at you. “Hah… if that's the case I sure am a lucky guy.”

“I think I'm the lucky one.”

Haru shakes his head emphatically. “You reckon we can keep doing this? Or, er… is it a one time thing?” 

The anxiety in his tone is enough to gut you. As if you would have it any other way. 

“You're the only one I want,” You assure. “I would love to keep spending time with you.”

Haru regards you with such a doting look that it's a wonder you're not dissolving from the overload of emotions being thrown at you all at once. 

“Looks like I'm gonna have to bribe the team so I can open up my schedule!”