#Matt's movie (trucker)

[cyberdbirdpersonsblog]

Eric and Jack enjoying their honeymoon back in 2007 🤭💕

[thealogie]

here are some mcconaughey films you might not have seen and definitely should: U-571 (a great & really underappreciated ww2 movie), Lone Star (small texan town murder mystery starring chris cooper), Larger Than Life (matt plays an insane trucker named Tip with the thickest accent I've ever heard who never sleeps and wonders how elephants have sex, small role but memorable), The Newton Boys (true story of 4 brothers who robbed banks in the 1920s, he's the cutest he's ever been in this movie), and ofc The Lincoln Lawyer.

Amazing list. I watched the Lincoln lawyer for him and he really single-handedly made it good

[coffee-n-bagels-comic-universe]

Faith & Fate - A Leap Of Faith Fanfiction

As I told Emily (@philhoffman ) I have started writing a Leap Of Faith story, which I have now titled 'Faith & Fate', it takes place in 1993 and in the fictional town of 'Lead Springs, Texas'. And I shall now word dump on you some info:

Major Changes to the plot / Spoilers:

After the ending of 'Leap of Faith' Jonas was dropped off the next town over by the truck driver. The trucker thought Jonas was mad and threw him and his bag out.

Jonas had to call Jane, she and Sheriff Braverman came to get Jonas and they (Jonas and Jane) re-joined the crew, heading off to the next town, eventually reaching Lead Springs, Texas by January 9th of 1992, where 'Faith & Fate' begins.

So basically, I'm using 'Leap of Faith' as a 'movie becomes series' (like Buffy for example) to lead into 'Faith & Fate'

As per usual, if you wish to be tagged or untagged from the story, please let me know, either through asks or DMs

Characters (OCs & From Leap of Faith):

Under cut due to length. These are just the characters I'm certain I'll include as of now (8th June '24)

Jonas Nightengale & Jane Larson

Aka the two least deserving of anyone's trust, the Boss (Jonas) and the ACTUAL boss (Jane). I don't trust either of them, but I trust Larson more because of the butterflies scene. Jane is dating Sheriff Braverman long-distance and Jonas still keeps in touch with Boyd and Marva, though he isn't particularly close to either of them.

Ages: Jonas - 47. Jane - 37

The Choir & The Crew (General)

More than likely underpaid (even though Jonas has a bag of golden watches), but good people. I know several of the crew who put together the gigantic tent have tattoos, so possibly a mix of types of Christians, including maybe some who aren't fully Christians

Ages: Unknown, Approx. 20s-40s mostly

Tiny

First of all, he's a giant, dude's like 6'3. My name for him is Timothy Smalls, so in my head at least Jonas nicknamed him Tiny because of the character of Tiny Tim and it just stuck. He helps with building the tent, collecting money, gathering info, etc.

Age: 44

Matt

(Image credit - @philhoffman / Emily) Matt, my beloved, young dumb and full of… energy, this man has so much energy. My name for him is Matthew Braddock. He helps collect money and gather info, but is also the one who Jane and Hoover (Meat Loaf) send to do random tasks, like an intern.

Age: 25

Hoover

The driver of Jonas' bus, as in the main bus at the front of the pack of 4. His name's Tobias Hoover. His family is my OCs, specifically his 2 brothers and niece. I like his fashion choices, but I know they're not for everyone, also I have been unironically listening to mostly Meat Loaf songs while writing these characters.

Age: 43

(OC) Jedidiah 'Jed/Bubba' Hoover

Eldest brother, and the only Hoover brother to have kids, big (6'2") cuddly papa bear, but seriously don't come near his daughter, he protects her like she's a miracle and her mother / Jed's wife died when Cai was very young.

Age: 46

(OC) Micaiah 'Cai' Hoover

Jed's daughter, Cai's been raised by practically just men, her family has always been in Lead Springs, her uncle Tobias was the only one who left. She suffers with CIDP, which means she's often in a wheelchair but manages as well as she can to be independent. She doesn't work, not due to disability but rather due to lack of jobs, as well as the mistreatment she receives in Lead Springs.

Age: 22 (turns 23 within the first few chapters)

(OC) Zechariah 'Ari' Hoover

Tobi and Jed's younger brother, and Cai's uncle. Zechariah goes by Ari, which can be confusing. He lives with Jed and Cai, acting as a second father to Cai while working with Jed at the town's diner. Most days he regrets letting Tobias leave, but has to remind himself that his brother has his own life.

Age: 40

(OC) Reverend B.J Deacon

The young, new Episcopal church reverend/deacon, fresh faced and just out of seminary school. He's very new to actually leading a church and very inexperienced, hoping to learn from Jonas how to engage people with their faith.

Age: 22 (turns 23 within the first few chapters)

[cantsayidont]

Some movies, considered chronologically:

THE FLAMINGO KID (1984): Nostalgia-burdened period piece, set in 1963, about working-class kid Jeffrey (Matt Dillon), who gets a summer job parking cars at an exclusive beach club called El Flamingo, starts dating a rich girl (Carole R. Davis), and becomes fascinated by her father (Richard Crenna), a self-made sports car dealer and local card sharp who thinks college is sucker's game. This alienates Jeffrey's own father (Hector Elizondo), a stalwart plumber who doesn't want to see Jeffrey squander his chances of bettering himself. The story is thus a sort of YA prototype of Oliver Stone's later WALL STREET — a Reagan-era morality play about a young man caught between two father figures, one representing the Lure of Easy Money and the other a paragon of Honest Hard Work — badly undermined by its absurdly idealized longing for the alleged innocence of the Kennedy era (underlined by an obnoxious oldies soundtrack). It offers a meaty role for Crenna, but as a drama, it has less substance than FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF. Davis's character is such a nonentity that you keep forgetting she's there, and the way she ends up functioning as a proxy for Jeffrey's obsession with her dad is awkward. CONTAINS LESBIANS? Nope. VERDICT: A simple-minded story blinded by its rose-colored glasses.

THE JOY LUCK CLUB (1993): Sudsy but affecting episodic adaptation of Amy Tan's novel about four middle-aged Chinese women and their strained relationships with their Chinese-American daughters, starring Ming-Na Wen and nearly every other Chinese actress working in the U.S. at the time. The way the script segues between the characters' respective stories is clunky, and it often teeters on the brink of schmaltz, but there are moments of real dramatic power amongst the more superficial tearjerker moments, and you'd have to have a stonier heart than I to not sob at the bittersweet ending. Strong acting helps, with Tsai Chin particularly good as Auntie Lindo. CONTAINS LESBIANS? It seems like it should, but alas. VERDICT: Heavy-handed at times, but undeniably moving.

COLD COMFORT FARM (1996): Before she became an action star, Kate Beckinsale starred in this hilarious adaptation of Stella Gibbons' 1932 satiric novel about glib orphan Flora Poste, who makes it her project to fix all the problems of the titular farm and its eccentric denizens — distant cousins who feel obligated to Flora (whom they will only address as "Robert Poste's child") because of some unspecified wrong they once did her late father. Among the inmates of Cold Comfort are Cousin Judith (Eileen Atkins), a hysterically morose creature straight out of a gothic novel; Cousin Amos (Ian McKellen), a fire-and-brimstone preacher who warns his brethren, "There'll be no butter in Hell!"; Amos and Judith's oversexed son Seth (Rufus Sewell), a local stud who dreams of being in the talkies; and of course Aunt Ada Doom (Sheila Burrell), who rules the family with an iron fist and won't let anyone forget that she once saw something nasty in the woodshed. A delightfully silly spoof of a particular category of once-popular English literature, as the farm's assorted grim melodramas prove no match for the implacable (if somewhat snobbish) modern sensibilities of its plucky heroine. CONTAINS LESBIANS? Nope. VERDICT: Great fun throughout, although Stephen Fry irritates as a boorish "Laurentian person" who keeps hitting on Flora despite her obvious disinterest.

BREAKDOWN (1997): Competent but underwhelming Jonathan Mostow thriller starring Kurt Russell and Kathleen Quinlan as Jeff and Amy Taylor, a couple of Yuppies whose fancy Jeep breaks down on the highway on a trip from Massachusetts to California. A passing trucker (J.T. Walsh) gives Amy a ride into the nearest town to find them a tow truck, but when Jeff gets their Jeep running again and follows her into town, he finds that Amy has disappeared, and no one, including the trucker, will admit to having seen her. It has a great premise, and Russell is credible enough in the lead, but it's pretty ordinary, and, once you know what's going on (which is revealed a little over a half-hour in), pretty superficial — there's no psychological depth, and I kept waiting for some other story twist that never came. CONTAINS LESBIANS? It barely contains women (Amy is absent for 80 percent of the running time). VERDICT: Not bad, but nothing special, and you'll forget it 10 minutes after it ends.

MY TWO HUSBANDS (2024): Okay Lifetime thriller about a young woman named Eliza (Isabelle Almoyan), still reeling from the recent murder of her mother (Joanie Geiger), who becomes deeply suspicious of her father's young new wife, a flight attendant named Brooke (Kabby Borders) who's no older than Eliza — and, as the title alludes, is secretly married to another man (Britton Webb, who looks like a lesser Baldwin brother) and up to no good. Despite the cheesy title (which is really also a spoiler) and awkward marketing (which misleadingly suggests a comedy-drama with Brooke rather than Eliza as the main character), it has a surprisingly decent, reasonably credible script, hamstrung by very weak performances. The story is still interesting enough to make it a not-bad little thriller, although it would have been better with a stronger cast and less somnabulistic direction. CONTAINS LESBIANS: It sometimes seems like Eliza's friend Star (Kristen Grace Gonzalez) might be her girlfriend, but the script is noncommittal on this point. VERDICT: A B+ script burdened with D+ acting and C- direction.

[newshirtonlines-blog]

Awesome trucker’s girl thankful grateful blessed shirt

The Batman Awesome trucker’s girl thankful grateful blessed shirt . had a successful theatrical run, earning more than $760 million at the global box office. This is on top of the positive reviews from fans and critics, with most of them praising the performance of Robert Pattinson's titular hero. As a result of this success, talks about a sequel made headlines. Pattinson first revealed his hopes for a follow-up to be made, saying that he would love to explore a movie that has the "Court of Owls" in it. The Batman director Matt Reeves ultimately confirmed that he and Warner Bros. "have started talking about another movie," indicating that a sequel is in development. If a sequel is being made, many have theorized that Barry Keoghan's Joker will be involved in some form. However, Reeves made it clear that there's no guarantee that "the Joker would be in the next movie." Now, a new report has indicated the same news about Joker's comeback.Awesome trucker’s girl thankful grateful blessed shirt, hoodie, sweater, longsleeve and ladies t-shirt

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Classic Men's The Hollywood Reporter revealed new details about the sequel to Robert Pattinson's The Batman Awesome trucker’s girl thankful grateful blessed shirt . While the plot details are still being kept under wraps, the outlet noted that it's "not even clear" if it would feature Barry Keoghan's Joker. The character first appeared at the tail-end of the first movie while also being featured in an extended deleted scene. THR also reported that Matt Tomlin is reteaming with The Batman director Matt Reeves to co-write the sequel. Tomlin worked on the first movie, with the writer coming in when third-act issues came to light. However, he didn't receive screenwriting credit. Now, Tomlin's involvement in the sequel comes from the ground up, with the writing process yet to start. THR noted that it is expected to start "in the coming weeks." Joker's non-inclusion in the sequel makes sense since it would be similar to Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight where Heath Ledger's Joker served as the main villain. Still, it's possible that Barry Keoghan's DC villain could appear in some form in The Batman 2 to tease his future role in a potential third movie. If the Joker appears in the sequel, the villain may end up having a role similar to what he did in the first film. A scene showing Joker forming an alliance with all the other villains that Batman placed in Arkham could be an exciting development since it could hint at these characters conspiring together to take down Robert Pattinson's DC vigilante. Despite not having Joker as the main villain, there are many interesting Batman enemies that Matt Reeves and Matt Tomlin can choose from. You Can See More Product: https://newshirtonline.com/product-category/trending/ Read the full article

[farsight-the-char]

THE FLASH #787 Written by JEREMY ADAMS Art by FERNANDO PASARIN and MATT RYAN Cover by TAURIN CLARKE Variant cover by GEORGE KAMBADAIS Black Adam movie variant cover by EJIKURE $3.99 US | 32 pages | Variant $4.99 US (card stock) ON SALE 10/18/22 IT'S MONDAY NIGHT SOMEWHERE! (Mondays, amiright?) Wally West is back from his adventure to save Barry Allen, but there's no time to celebrate, as a new alien with a penchant for golden belts and trucker hair has added a new sting to the life of the Flash! This stone-cold heart-stopper of an issue will have you screaming "OHMAHGAWD!" as the Scarlet Speedster gets clotheslined in the face by a whole new era of attitude!

[gorogues]

Spoilers for comics in October!

These are from the official solicits for that month, which you can see at Newsarama.

FLASHPOINT BEYOND #6 Written by GEOFF JOHNS, JEREMY ADAMS, and TIM SHERIDAN Art by XERMÁNICO Cover by MITCH GERADS Variant cover by XERMÁNICO 1:25 variant cover by DAN MORA 1:50 variant cover by GARY FRANK $3.99 US | 32 pages | 6 of 6 | Variant $4.99 US (card stock) ON SALE 10/4/22 The fate of the Flashpoint Earth hangs in the balance as Thomas must make the ultimate choice! What will happen to this fractured reality and what does it mean for the DC Universe at large?

Either Eobard isn’t as dead as he looked last issue, or something funny is going on (could just be a misleading cover which looks dramatic but isn’t representative of the story inside).  Aquaman should be dead too.  Either way, it’s good to see Eobard having a nice time.

To my great surprise, the second issue of the movie prequel is being re-solicited after last month’s re-solicit was pulled within hours.  I don’t know what DC’s doing anymore, but maybe I’ll get to see that Roscoe prequel issue after all.

THE FLASH: THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE #2 Written by KENNY PORTER Art by JUAN FERREYRA Cover by SEBASTIAN FIUMARA Variant cover by JUAN FERREYRA 1:25 variant cover by TBD 1:50 variant cover by TBD $5.99 US | 48 pages | 2 of 3 | Variant $6.99 US (card stock) ON SALE 10/11/22 Barry Allen's early days as the Flash continue! Barry struggles to balance his new job as a hero with his internship at the crime lab. The pressure starts overwhelming him, literally, when the monstrous molten menace called Tarpit appears in Central City looking to put an end to the Scarlet Speedster's interference in his family's business! Can Barry get a handle on his abilities and stop Tarpit in his tracks, or will he be tarred and feathered out of Central City for good?

And here’s the Rogues TPB, in hardcover.

ROGUES Written by JOSHUA WILLIAMSON Art by LEOMACS Cover by SAM WOLFE CONNELLY $29.99 US | 208 pages | 8 1/2" x 10 7/8" | Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-77951-685-5 ON SALE 11/15/22 Ten years ago, the Rogues disbanded and went their separate ways. But time hasn't been kind to the former blue-collar super-criminals. Caught in an endless cycle of prison, rehab, dead-end jobs, broken relationships, probation, and bottomless restitution fees, the Rogues are sick of paying for their crimes. Luckily, Captain Cold has a plan. One last job that will leave them all richer than their wildest dreams and free from their past…if they can survive. Collecting the complete neo-noir heist comic in a single beautiful hardcover.

And just to grumble...what about the Iron Heights plot with Wolfe and Blacksmith?  But at least this sounds fun.

THE FLASH #787 Written by JEREMY ADAMS Art by FERNANDO PASARIN and MATT RYAN Cover by TAURIN CLARKE Variant cover by GEORGE KAMBADAIS Black Adam movie variant cover by EJIKURE $3.99 US | 32 pages | Variant $4.99 US (card stock) ON SALE 10/18/22 IT'S MONDAY NIGHT SOMEWHERE! (Mondays, amiright?) Wally West is back from his adventure to save Barry Allen, but there's no time to celebrate, as a new alien with a penchant for golden belts and trucker hair has added a new sting to the life of the Flash! This stone-cold heart-stopper of an issue will have you screaming "OHMAHGAWD!" as the Scarlet Speedster gets clotheslined in the face by a whole new era of attitude!

[pocketfulofrogers]

Planes, Trains, and Firetrucks

Pairing: Kelly Severide x Reader

Summary: What’s a polar vortex to a desperate sister trying to get home? With a little determination and the luck of a stranger, you might just be able to pull off a Christmas miracle. 

Notes: So I got drunk with my aunt and uncle on Thanksgiving and watched the only Thanksgiving movie to both exist and be quoted in it’s entirety by my whole family. I woke up with a google note that said ‘Planes, Trains, and Automobiles but make it a love story.’ Kinda wished I had payed more attention to the movie now. 

Pinching the bridge of your nose, you try to reign in your frustration. You had been all over this airport for the last six hours desperately searching for any way to get home. So far, you had only been strung along.

“Is there anything to Chicago at all? I’m just trying to be back for even a portion of Christmas. Seriously, at this point I’d saddle up a horse.”

The woman scrunches her nose as she scrolls through her computer, a sense of defeat looming over you until she smiles quickly. “I found a 5am to Detroit that connects…” She trails off and begins to frown again. “Just canceled.”

“Seriously?!” The word explodes from your mouth unwarranted and much louder than intended and your hand flies to your mouth in embarrassment.

Before you can begin to apologize profusely, you hear the man behind you mumble under his breath. “Probably because of the giant winter storm and white out conditions covering the entire North East.”

You whip your head behind to glare at him, but he’s too focused on his phone to even notice that you had overhead him. Defeated, you turn back around and quietly apologize before grabbing your phone and sulking away, the guy behind you chuckling slightly.

Mom: Your sister just got here, she’s so excited to see you!

Barely managing to suppress your groan, you lean against a nearby pillar to type a response that hopefully won’t break anyone’s hearts.

The man pockets his phone and approaches the counter. “Hi, can I get a hotel voucher?”

“We’re prioritizing vouchers for flying families and couples first.” She smiles.

“Really?” He groans, loud enough to grab your attention and hears your chuckle from what he assumes you think is karmic justice. But when he locks eyes with you, he gets an idea. “That is so kind of you guys!” He exclaims with a smile. “My wife will love that.”

In the middle of trying to explain to your mom that you couldn’t have left any early, chuckles steps up in front of you with a grin, holding up a pamphlet and you narrow your eyes. “Be my wife for a night, cow girl?”

You roll your eyes and walk away from his laughter and fake apologies, not stopping until he calls your name. “This?” You gesture between the two of you. “This is creepy.”

He holds up his hands before sliding the voucher in his dark jean jacket pocket. “They wouldn’t give me the voucher unless I put another name down so I just said you were my wife.” He shrugs his shoulder as if he can’t see the problem. “Now I can’t check in unless you’re there.”

You grab your bag and start walking again. “Not my problem.”

To your dismay, he keeps up with you. “We’ve been running around this place all day, so you have got to be at least a little tired.” You really were. “I let you use my charger.” He did do that, but it doesn’t seem to him that his small act of airport kindness has swayed you. “How about we get some sleep and then I promise I will help get you to Chicago?”

This causes you to pause again and look him up and down, almost hating yourself for even considering it. Those piercing blue eyes didn’t seem to hold any malice, nor did his small smile. He was charming, that much was obvious, but so was Ted Bundy.

You cock a hip to the side. “You could be a serial killer.”

The smirk he flashes makes you a little weak. “So could you.”

“Fine, but we’re stopping for pepper spray.”

**

Each time Kelly closes his eyes and feels his exhaustion begin to pull him under, he hears you curse under your breath. You had been obsessively scouring the internet looking for a hail mary, but each time you hit a wall.

He had given up somewhere between the last car dealership left in a 100-mile radius to endure your guilt trip and the proposition of hitch hiking. Honestly, he was more concerned than surprised when you seemed disappointed at him shooting down the idea.

Despite this budding friendship, you had offered no details of yourself, even when asked. You made another serial killer joke when he asked you why it was so important you get home, but he didn’t miss how guarded you became.

The next time you groan is when he also gives up the idea of any form of rest. Kelly sits up quick enough to see you throw yourself back into the creaky swivel chair.

“Is there a battery pack on you or something?” His voice is gravely, thick with exhaustion and just a hint of frustration.

You wince. “I know, I’m sorry. I just can’t believe that there’s not a single taxi or rental car available.”

“You could just buy a car.” He suggests it as an outlandish joke, but then your eyes light up.

“You’re a genius!”

**

Standing out in the middle of an alleyway, snow coating your hair, you can’t say your not a little nervous. Kelly is stood beside you despite very loudly voicing his opinion on how this was a terrible idea. Actually, that it was maybe the worst idea you’ve ever had.

“If anyone is going to be a serial killer, it’s going to be this guy.” He mumbles another remark, shifting his eyes to check your surroundings again.

You shoot a glare at him, but have to admit he’s probably right.

There wasn’t much in your bank account to spare, especially when you consider the price of a decent car. Craigslist offered one result in your price range within reasonable walking distance and you didn’t really stop to think it out.

Now you were in a barely lit backstreet leaking a smell you’d rather not name.

“You didn’t have to come.” You state, again.

He scoffs. “With your lack of self-preservation and this piece of shit that won’t make it out of the state? I won’t be responsible for you ending up on a milk carton.”

You want to comment that that’s not a thing anymore, but he had stuck by you for the last few hours and that’s more than you can usually expect from a stranger. “Aw, you care.” You reply instead.

**

It smells, terribly, but if you roll the windows down enough, you can hardly even notice. Wearing enough layers to not fell the cold is another story. You had expected Kelly to bail on you, insisting you wouldn’t blame him for running back to the warm comfort of clean sheets that weren’t his own, but again he shook his head.

He slept for the first six hours, grateful that you seemed to be a decent driver, but you tossed and turned in the back for about four before you climb back up front and ask to take over. There was only a little bit of gloating each time you passed through a city and grinned an ‘I told you so’ at him.

He doesn’t tell you, but he finds your giddiness contagious.

You don’t notice, but he keeps watching you whenever you’re not paying attention- intrigued by the woman who is actively going to hell and back just to get home. Matt told him he was insane, but there was something about you that he just couldn’t let go of.

He had watched you give up one of the only plane tickets left to a younger woman. Feeling touched as she cried in your arms. When you bought lunch for an unaccompanied minor and let her use up the entire battery life of your phone to watch a few movies, he knew he had to at least talk to you.

The only opener he had was a charger and it seemed to have been enough to get your trust.

“You know,” He starts, pulling his jacket tighter around him, hoping the rising sun would bring some form of warmth soon. He wasn’t hopeful. “I think I’ve earned a few questions.”

You glance at him and raise a brow. “Fine.”

“Are you always like this?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Your surprise makes you laugh.

“Prickly.” He clarifies.

“I’m not prickly, I’m stressed.” You defend yourself. “How are you not? Aren’t you trying to get home too, to see your family?”

He shrugs. “It’s out of my control, and the only family I have are people I get to see pretty regularly.” He smiles at you. “Guess I’m pretty lucky.”

“Well, it seems I’m definitely not.”

As if on cue, there’s a loud pop from the front of the car and it begins to sputter and smoke. Kelly is quick to calm you down and ease you into pulling off the road in the most soothing voice you think you may have ever heard.

**

Sitting on the side of the road, you only pick up your head from your knees when you hear a loud sigh and the hood slam shut. Kelly wipes the dark grease on his pants and gives you a solemn look.

“It’s toast.”

You let your head fall back onto your knees, not paying much attention to the encouraging words he tries to use to raise your spirits or the almost comforting hand on your shoulder, not even when they both disappear.

It isn’t until he’s grabbing the bags from the worst impulse buy of your life that you decide to check back in. “What are you doing?”

He points back to a semi-truck stopped not far behind with a smirk. “I told you I’m lucky.”

**

Your elbow bumps the trucker again and you pull you arms in closer to your body, try to scoot further away while being mindful of Kelly pressed close to you on your other side. Why you agreed to sit in the middle, you’ll only understand once you figured out why you agreed to this in the first place.

The man seemed nice enough, but it was two hours to the next city and you hadn’t slept in 36 hours.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do when we get there. Maybe find some wifi and look for our next ride?”

Kelly purses his lips. “How about we take an hour?”

“What are we supposed to in Dyersville on Christmas day?”

There’s a sparkle in his eyes when he smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

**

“Alright. This was a good idea.” You mumble around a mouthful of the burger you were trying to not inhale.

Somehow, Kelly had managed to convince a food truck to kick out one more order before packing up to get home. The smell hit you just as your hunger did and it didn’t take long for you to start stuffing your face.

He picks up his drink beside him on the bench and nods. “We needed this.”

“So bad.” You gush. You look around and finally feel like you can breathe again. “Maybe my luck’s turning. It’s a beautiful day, we’re so close, and this just might be the best burger I’ve ever had.”

He starts to laugh, but stops suddenly when he looks past your head. Before he can even react, the man he had been eying grabs your purse and takes off, Kelly quick on his heels. You yell after him, almost taking off too, but then his feet catch a patch of ice.

He goes down, hard and you rush to his side.

“Kelly? Kelly are you okay?” He’s touched by your concern, but he doesn’t have the breath in his lungs to convey it.

“Fine.” He grunts out.

“You folks alright?” A man with peppered hair and a thick grey mustache approaches behind you in a white button up. “We were just fixing our lights outside when we saw what happened. We’ve got two EMTs grabbing their bags if you’ll just stay where you are, son.”

Kelly waves him off, calling him chief, and tries to sit up. “Guy got her bag.”

You shush him and quickly help him up. “There’s nothing in there that can’t be replaced.” You assure him.

“Holy shit, is that Kelly Severide?” A woman calls out from across the street before jogging over. “Can’t wait to let the boys know that the great Lieutenant got played by a kid.”

Kelly chuckles at your confusion as he wipes his dirt covered hands on his jeans. “Gomez, nice to see you again.”

“You know each other?” You ask.

Gomez nods. “Lieutenant Severide here held a rope rescue training, whipped us all into shape. What brings you back here?”

Kelly sighs, adding a voice to the very rough time the last 20 hours had been. “Got snowed in just outside of Seattle. This one,” He points over to you and raises a brow. “Just had to get home and dragged me on and insane trip.”

Your jaw drops. “Dragged? You definitely refused to leave.”

“Only because I whole heartedly believed you’d get yourself killed.” He winks at you and you can’t suppress your smile.    

The chief contemplates for a moment before offering up an old battalion car to get you through the final stretch. Kelly looks to you, smile beaming and makes another comment about his impeccable luck.

**

“So, you’re a firefighter.” You begin when the silence becomes a little too thick. “Is that why you were in Washington?”

Kelly nods. “Small city fire departments don’t have the resources we do. I try to go to a few a year to teach them how to use the stuff they have for difficult rescues.”

“Wow…” You trail off.

“You can’t ask me that question and not answer it for yourself.”

Rolling your eyes, you have to agree. “I was there for an interview. Some doctors there created a revolutionary treatment, and I was able to witness one of the surgeries.”

“Must be important for you to give up your Christmas Eve.”

You shrug. “My sister got really sick a few years ago. She’s okay now, but we weren’t able to see her for a really long time. Doctors saved her life and this could save someone else’s. It’s important information.”

“That’s why you wanted to get back?”

The moment becomes a little too heavy, but you manage a sad smile before you feel compelled to look out the window. “It’s her first Christmas since, it’ll be the first time I’ve seen her.”

He grabs your hand and your attention after a moment of silence and his stare is intense. “We’ll be there soon.” He assures you.

**

12 hours into shift and Matt Casey is as bored as he’s ever been on a Christmas. No calls, no Christmas spirit, and most importantly Christmas dinner was a bust. So, when Severide open his office door, covered in dirt and oil and grime, he was intrigued at least.

“You look like hell.”

Kelly rolls his eyes. “I need to borrow your truck to take Y/N home.”

Casey’s eyes widen. “She’s here?”

Kelly isn’t sure why he seems so excited until he hears him grab almost the entire firehouse to lead them to the floor. To you. Despite his protests, Gabby is positively thrilled. You however, surprisingly, are not overwhelmed by all the greetings and hugs. The environment is so warm and welcoming that you can’t help but slide right into conversations.

“She is gorgeous.” Gabby tries to keep it to a whisper. “Your texts do not do her justice.”

Kelly nods, well aware that just a few words typed while you were focused on the road could never be enough to describe how incredible he believed you to be.

“This isn’t it, right? You’ve got to see her again.” Joe butts his head between Kelly and Gabby. “We already like her.”

**

The drive to your house is quiet, somber. Not a single sound besides tires crunching through packed snow. There’re so many questions you have unanswered based solely on the fact that you don’t know how to ask them. Staring out into the night sky to watch the snow fall is no longer enough to comfort you.

It isn’t until he pulls up and puts the truck in park that you start to feel the pit in your stomach become overwhelming. You’re worried you’ll never see him again. Worried that the past day will be the final one and that thought is terrifying.

“Stay.” You blurt out.

He’s caught off guard by your request, but still smiles. “My family is back at the station and this is too important for you to be worrying about your parents meeting me.”

Your nod acknowledges that he’s right, but your eyes convey your sadness. “Merry Christmas, Kelly.”

“Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

**

“I cannot believe you just let her go!” Matt walks in on Gabby yelling. “You liked that girl, she invited you in, and you left?!” She’s pacing back and forth in front of a freshly showered Kelly. He looks like a puppy in trouble and Matt’s smart enough to know not to butt in.

“That was not a first impression I wanted to make.” He tries to defend himself.

Gabby turns to Matt, exasperated, and he raises his hands.

As if someone were listening to his silent prayers, Capp comes in to tell Kelly that he had a visitor on the floor. His heart began to race, filling with hope that maybe, just maybe…

He rounds the corner and there you are, dressed up with a delicate smile. For a moment he’s breathless, the only thing he wanted to see. He wants to open with something witty, but you beat him to it when you hand him a tupperware container, stepping close enough that he can smell the light layer of perfume you’re wearing.

“This is to thank you for letting me drag you and your luck all over the northern states.”

He laughs. “I believe it was me that refused to leave.”

“And I probably would’ve made the national news for being missing if you hadn’t.” Your smirk makes his heart skip a beat. “You know milk cartons aren’t a thing anymore, right?”

He laughs. “Well, how am I supposed to thank you for pretending to be my wife?” You laugh until you realize he’s being serious. “How about dinner tomorrow night?”

“I would love that.”

When he leans down slowly and presses his lips to yours, you have to laugh at the cheers that erupt from the background.

[doubleddenden]

It's time for another look at

The Timeline

As always, I am your little gremlin host. Today we simply look at the last 2 months to see wtf's goin on in the world in my attempt to guage the stability of our timeline.

If anyone lives in the middle of the fucking Atlantic Ocean and wants a porche and a VW, great news! There's apparently a cargo ship called Felicity Ace that is ON FIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WET ASS LIQUID OCEAN. The crew safely abandoned it, and under Maritime law, the ship is now Finders Keepers TM. I'm sure that whatever life forms arise from this latest environmental disaster will appreciate being able to drive in style

Nintendo has announced they are shutting down the 3DS and Wii U e stores in March 2023, and some people say they've already hit the Wii U store. Because nothing stops piracy like making games even harder to come by, obviously. Titles such as Xenoblade Chronicles X, Twilight Princess HD, Wind Waker HD, the entire catalog of the 3ds Pokémon games, and more are gonna be harder to find soon, much like my will to live

Kirby doesn't chew and vores things far too big for his precious little adorable nightmare body. He has ascended to many new nightmarish forms, including KARBY

Microsoft bought Activision Blizzard. Good, keep the annoying CoD and LoL players on Xbox

Sony bought Bungie, which is great for the current 2 games Bungie has worked on in the last 10 years.

Platinum Games is open to BEING bought. Maybe *you* can become their new sugar daddy

Attack on Titan started its final season- er, the second half of it, which is totally different from being a season, I'm sure. I for one am very excited to finally see the day weebs shut the fuck up about Attack on Titan and finally watch and talk about something else. HiS wHoLe sQUaD!!!!!

Shenmue, the game from the SEGA Dreamcast, has an anime now. Now you too can experience a game from the 90s set in the 80s by watching an anime from the 20s that looks like it came from the 10s. Catch it on Toonami Saturday nights, or Crunchyroll

Jurassic World has another movie coming out, proving that everyone most definitely learned their lesson from the original movies and stopped bringing back mutated versions of ancient murder machines

Pokemon has released Legends Arceus, a game where everything wants to kill you, and for the first time since the Switch era started, most fans agree that it rocks, but needs more polish. Finally, some good fucking food after 6 (really 3) garbage fire games

Chip n Dale has a new live action movie in the works based on the amazing Rescue Rangers cartoon show. Of course, what Disney crypt raid or franchise revisit would be complete without making fun of very iconic and beloved voices they themselves made, and what live action adaptation would be complete without replacing those iconic voices with some generic guy's boring ass voice?

There are truckers in Ottowa being annoying and protesting over vaccine mandates, because they can't just be annoying everywhere else. It's okay to be afraid of needles, guys, I swear it doesn't hurt! I've been jabbed 3 times and the 5g microchips doesn't interfere much with the government tracking devices in literally everything else.

Futurama is in talks about getting another season on Hulu, once again proving Matt Groening is some sort of necromancer but for cartoons. Of course the biggest news from this is that the voice of Bender- aka arguably the most popular character from the show- John DiMaggio, does not want to come back unless they can negotiate his contract better and open the floor to give him and his fellow voice actors a raise. This very reasonable act of ensuring everyone is paid fairly is apparently one of the evilest things you can do to the fans, according to like, 5 guys on Twitter. But sure, I'm so certain replacing the show's most iconic character's very iconic voice will go over very well with everyone, like replacing Mario's Charles Martinet with Chris Pratt.

Norway got 15 gold medals in the Olympics! Holy shit! They beat their own record from 2010 where they earned 14, shared with Canada. There's nothing to make fun of here, that's just cool

Apparently a lot of Catholic baptisms are suddenly being invalidated due to the usage of "we" instead of "I," which has thrown many of the religion into a frenzy due to having similarly worded Baptisms. Basically, imagine you've lived your whole life by the book, helped countless unfortunates, gave away your riches, confessed every sin, served your god dutifully and worshipped him every hour of every day and attended each and every church session no matter what, gave a kidney to the little girl with an extremely rare blood type that you happen to match, you are a genuinely good person and an excellent example of Christianity and have never asked nor expected anything in return, and you STILL don't get into Heaven because St Pete asked for RC Cola and you were given Sam's Cola, and couldn't tell the difference once the guy poured it into your red solo cup. That's about the situation a lot of people seriously think they are in.

The following has to do with politics and war. If that's not your vibe, scroll on. I should also mention I am just an ordinary Joe with a hardly a penny to his name. I am not a news reporter, I'm not a journalist, or anything of the sort. However, most of this can be found by Google, so take that as you will

The Trumps apparently aren't cooperating with subpoenas, and Trump apparently got pissy about them going after "children" like his 40 year old daughter Ivanka. 40, that's barely out of diapers! Hey, remember when he said on live TV that he'd date his own daughter if he could?

Speaking of, apparently the horse's ass is keeping very important TOP SECRET docs at Mar-A-Lago, including love letters (as he called them) to Kim Jong-un and President Obama's presidential letter to him. Hey, at least he didn't violate the Presidential Records Act- oh wait, HE DID, and much like last time, he probably won't get punished for it.

Rudy Giuliani, aka Mr "LETS HAVE TRIAL BY COMBAT," was also subpoenaed. He claims its illegal. I wonder how legal inciting violence and an attempted coup is?

Just a personal opinion, I'm very tired of hearing anything about the Trumps or any of their cronies. Follow the example of the Dodo bird: Look stupid, go away, and never be heard from again. Please.

And in a very serious turn of events, Russia is trying to invade Ukraine. I don't want to frighten anyone, so you can Google if you need more info, but things are looking pretty grim. But if you have anxiety or depression, try not to doom scroll, okay?

Here's a pic of a Lemur to help calm your nerves. Look at it. Beautiful creature. Call him whatever you want, he's here to be your friend.

Anyway, see yall again in like a month or two

[1-9-9-b]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31348562/chapters/77516840

It was the year 2003. 50 Cent was leading the music charts, Lord of the Rings was making its comeback with another movie and Britney Spears and Colin Farrell were together. When Matt and Kelly both said no thank you to velour tracksuits and chunky shoes, they had to admit to wearing too much denim and trucker hats.

At that point Matt looked more like a surfer than anything else with his long blonde hair and the other man had curly black hair that was his 'lady magnet'. The two had just graduated the fire academy together and were starting their careers as honest to god firefighters. The infamous pair had one more musketeer with them at that point and Matt, Kelly and Andy did almost everything together.

Life has a funny way of leading you to the place where you need to be.

[vampireshdtw]

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Tonight, Eve, Henry, and Matt watched From Dusk Till Dawn!

From Dusk Till Dawn, directed by Robert Rodriguez and written by Quentin Tarantino, released in 1996, is a movie about brothers Seth and Richie trying to cross the Mexican border after a successful bank robbery. For guaranteed santuary, their contact arranged a morning meet-up at a raunchy strip club in the desert, but when they try to enjoy themselves the night before, they quickly realize it’s run by bloodthirsty vampires.

---

The vampires in this movie are cunning ambush predators that created a haven of wanton perversion in the middle of the desert to lure their prey, which consist mostly of bikers and truckers. At first glance, they’re indistinguishable from humans, with no visual telltale signs of vampirism.

When they’re actively hunting, the vampires show their true forms: often hairless and animalistic with exaggerated bat- or rat-like faces and sharp fangs, though some vampires seem to have more snakelike features instead. They’re capable of turning into bats and have superhuman strength. They drink human blood and require it to live, but can also subsist on animal blood, although that is considered demeaning.

Vampires transmit their curse through biting, but not completely demolishing, their prey. The transformation process takes anywhere from several minutes to an hour to fully take hold, during which the victim experiences auditory hallucinations demanding that they kill and feed- something they’re incapable of resisting, making vampires evil by default. They also grow fangs and gain clawlike finger nails.

To kill a vampire, you have various options at your disposal. Articles of faith such as holy water and crosses burn them like acid, and the crosses can be anything from a charm on a dainty necklace to a table leg and shotgun held in a cross-like position. They’re also injured by standard blows such as stabs in the stomach and decapitation due to their squishier, softer body structure. However, to guarantee their deaths, you must stab them in the heart or burn their entire body with fire.

There is an interesting thing to note about their hearts- although stabbing the heart is a surefire way to kill them, the heart doesn’t need to be inside their bodies. In fact, they’re fully capable of surviving without a heart in their chests until the heart is pierced.

It’s implied that these vampires originated from an unearthed Aztec temple connected to the strip club they own. Whether or not the original vampires are cursed humans, demons, or some other kind of creature is unknown.

---

Admittedly, as excited as I was for this flick, it was hard to sit through. It’s so focused on being in bad taste, it got cross-eyed, leaving the movie feeling like it’s made up of two unrelated halves. The design of the strip club was pretty awesome, and the vampires looked very cool, but I probably wouldn’t watch this movie again, purely because of the weird, perverted stuff Quentin Tarantino has his character do. (Matt)

I didn't like this movie, but I enjoyed watching it with the others. The vampires seem committed to outdoing eachother with their over-dramatic deaths- some turn into sludge and catch fire, some explode, some turn into bones... One thing I can say for sure- these vampires are not self cleaning. First half of the movie was unpleasant and oppressive, while the second half was an enjoyable gauntlet of ever-more obscene and wacky character death. The vampires didn't make a lot of sense, and their strip-club had no business being as well-staffed as it was, but I guess if you're undead, employment opportunities are thin. That at least would explain why they ended up working in the vicinity of Tarantino.  (Eve)

Quentin's early work is defined by being fetishistic by nature, especially when it comes to the violence and sex. But the first half of the film feels so self-indulgent and nasty (in ways that have not aged well), it off-sets the genuinely fun second half completely. How does the movie expect us to care about our characters being emotional about a character's death when the character who died has been nothing but an unrelenting piece-of-shit up to this point? To be fair, the second half is fun B-movie schlock with creative kills and vampire designs. It almost feels like a typical grindhouse double-feature smooshed into one movie which is a fun subversive twist but it doesn't make up for the first half in the slightest. (Henry)

[silveragelovechild]

TEN COMMENTS ABOUT “DOOM PATROL”

Doom Patrol is a superhero team from DC Comics, first publish in “My Greatest Adventure” #80 (June 1963); it’s a team of misfits shunned by society and led by a scientist in a wheel chair (predating the X-Men by 3 months).

It was reinvented in 1988 by writer Grant Morrison as a surreal journey through the strange and bizarre.

In 2019 a live action TV series of the Doom Patrol premiered on the DC Universe streaming service starring Timothy Dalton, Alan Tudyk, Brendan Fraser and Matt Bomer garnering a 95% score on Rotten Tomatoes.

The show put the characters and stories into a salad spinner and created something unique, adult, and entertaining.

Matt Bomer plays Larry Traynor, a test pilot who gets merged with a strange energy being from outer space; a crash unfortunately makes him look like crispy bacon necessitating body bandages that are a metaphor for hiding secrets (one of which is that he’s gay); Negative Man is one of my favorite characters.

April Bowlby plays Rita Farr, a Hollywood actress who got exposed to strange gases that cause her body to periodically morph into a blobby substance; although the effect isn’t perfect, Bowlby’s performance is my favorite; her story arc is the most interesting.

Brendan Fraser plays race car driver Cliffe Steele who suffers a major crash where only his brain survived; Nile Caulder (Dalton) rescues him by placing the brain in a clunky looking Robotman body; I can’t say Robotman is a favorite characters - he’s always angry, yells and swears too much.

Diane Guerrero plays Crazy Jane who suffers from Dissociative identity disorder and has 64 personalities each with their own superpower; Guerrero is a great actress effectively creating multiple personalities but unfortunately her main character is also angry too much, yelling and swearing like a trucker; and in general I find split personality characters can be over done.

Joivan Wade plays Vic Stone (aka Cyborg); in the comics (1980) Cyborg was originally a member of the Teen Titans but in 2011 DC decided to retconn him into an original member of the Justice League but waiting 4 years to give him his own comic; he’s bummed around DC properties included a forgettable appearance in the “Justice League” movie; but maybe the character has found the perfect home - he fits in with the Doom Patrol and Wade is likable in the role.

Season One of “Doom Patrol” is now on Blu-ray so if you’re looking for something that isn’t the same-old-same-old check it out but fasten you’re seat belts because you done what to be Niles Caulder’s next victi—- I mean next patient.

Bonus: Doom Patrol” is the oddest show on TV (or streaming devises) and features some of the weirdest characters you never expected to see, such as Alan Tudyk as Mr. Nobody, a literally fragmented supervillain; Alec Mapa as the Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man; Devan Chandler Long as Flex Mentallo who can alter reality by flexing his muscles; and Baphomet, a profetic talking blue horse’s head.

[concerningwolves]

I'm doing a project in a class about d/Deaf representation in media. Are there any pieces of media that you like or dislike in the way they portrayed their deaf characters? All I've been able to find is the Bratz movie and I don't think that's a good starting point.

Pieces of media I like: 

El Deafo by Cece Bell - children’s graphic novel/memoir. My favourite thing about El Deafo is that Cece has a phonic ear that she wears strapped across her chest. I used something similar when i was younger (except it was like a box on a headband. classy) and oh boy, do i know how alienating it can be. i haven’t read this fully but from what i’ve seen and heard, it’s a really wonderful source of deaf rep. and a nice story about growing up in general 

Apathy and Other Small Victories by Paul Neilan - okay I… had to seriously debate with myself whether i put this on the list, because objectively this book is terrible. It’s the sort of deaf rep that makes me go “I feel like I should be deeply offended right now but the story is so surreal i can’t put my finger on why” because the whole book is told from the point of view of Shane, an apathetic asshole drifting through life and leaving a mess in his wake. the deaf rep wasn’t written to be wholesome or touching! it’s just….. a part of the book. there’s deaf karaoke. deaf culture. lots of swearing in sign language. I love it (but others might not share my sentiment). 

Hawkeye by Matt Fraction - Clint is a mess! He’s terrible and addicted to caffeine and brought an entire apartment building to spite some tracksuit-wearing gangsters and beat up said gangsters because they hurt a dog. Oh, and he just happens to wind up deaf in the later volumes. Even before I knew of Fraction’s Hawkeye comics, I loved clint barton. as a deaf superhero who shoots arrows, he has a special place in my heart. 

The Quality of Silence by Rosamund Lupton - I must add this to the list because I talk about it so much. Ruby goes to Alaska to find her father, gets caught up in a political-esque plot, meets some super cool truckers and makes great commentary on the world from the point of view of a deaf child. love it. Magnus Chase by Rick Riordan - Hearthstone! is! son!! he’s a deaf elf, he uses runestone magic, and he is full of vibrancy and character. My only complaint is, as I’ve said before, Riordan’s use of italics for sign language. it’s othering 

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Loud as a Whisper (S2E5) - I... basically went a bit feral when Riva, a successful mediator, came onto the screen and introduced himself as Deaf. His family can’t process auditory information, so he uses a “chorus”: three people, each representing a different part of the psyche, with whom he has a telepathic link. they help him interpret the world, acting as his ears and voice without speaking for him. Plus! Howie Seago, the actor who played Riva, is deaf. And!! the main plot resolution is that the hearing people have to learn that “fixing” Riva won’t resolve the main problem. instead, they step back and allow riva to teach the two warring groups sign language, using a pinnacle of deaf culture to resolve an ancient conflict. 

Pieces I dislike: 

There’s only one piece of media with a deaf character with a representation that I outright dislike: Van Helsing’s Sam. Mostly, representation is a mix of good and bad points. It’s also completely subjective! Like I said about AaOSV, I adore it but it might offend others. 

But anyway, about Sam: the show frames Sam’s deafness as a punishment for being a cruel and sadistic child which goes against the core beliefs of the Deaf community. I’m not against deaf villains but, as I’ve said repeatedly, there needs to a balance of representation! When the rest of the cast are hearing/generally able-bodied, and the only deaf character is a vampire antichrist whose villainy and deafness are intrinsic to one another? fuck. off. 

[aion-rsa]

30 Rock’s Best Running Jokes

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

When 30 Rock drew its final breath in 2013, yards of column inches were devoted – deservedly so – to praising the work of creator Tina Fey. Article upon article applauded the characters, cast, performances and seven seasons of energetic, inventive, satirical comedy.

More than anything else though, 30 Rock was always about the gags. It was fruitcake-dense with jokes, regularly fitting in more quotable laughs before its opening credits than many shows manage in a full half-hour. As it returns for a one-off reunion special, join us in celebrating the many, many running gags of its seven-season history, from the fake movies, to the terrible yet incredibly catchy songs, Frank’s hats, and those godawful TGS sketches…

The fake movies 

The presence of Tracy Jordan (a bonafide Martin Lawrence meets the Wayans Brothers-style movie star) in the TGS cast opened up the world of film parody to 30 Rock.

Admittedly Jenna Maloney also enjoyed a movie career of sorts, but while she was being offered the part of “any blonde actress” in torture porn flicks by the producers who watched and rented Saw, Tracy was turning down the lead in Garfield 3: Feline Groovy to pursue his serious acting career. The latter climaxed with the release of spot-on Precious parody Hard To Watch (Based on the novel Stone Cold Bummer by Manipulate), for which Tracy received the O in his EGOT plan. Sheer class.

Over the years though, who couldn’t not smile at Tracy’s blaxpoitation-filled back catalogue, from the timeless romance of A Blaffair to Rememblack, to Sherlock Homie, Who Dat Ninja?, The Chunks 2: A Very Chunky Christmas, and last but by no means least, Honky Grandma Be Trippin’. The man is a chameleon (in that he’s always a lizard).

Two of Jenna’s TGS projects however, bring back the fondest memories of 30 Rock’s stinging movie satire: small-town legal drama The Rural Juror (based on a Kevin Grisham novel), and her GE-produced life rights-avoiding Janis Joplin biopic, Sing Them Blues White Girl: The Jackie Jormp Jomp Story.

The TGS sketches 

The quality of TGS’ output was never under question in 30 Rock; the sketch show was unremittingly bad (when the absence of their star meant a ‘Best of TGS’ series had to be run in lieu of live shows, Legal objected to their use of the word ‘Best’, and when a review dubbed it the worst comedy ever made, Liz was thrilled they’d defined it as a comedy). Liz Lemon’s opus was a fluorescent collection of fart gags, dodgy caricatures, Jenna’s songs, and misjudged celebrity impressions.

Beginning life as, in Kenneth’s words, “a real fun ladies comedy show for ladies”, TGS was Saturday Night Live’s idiot brother, the unsophisticated thorn in NBC’s side, under constant threat of controversy and cancellation. Forced to synergise backward overflow, advertise parent company products and promote GE interests, 30 Rock’s show-within-a-show satirised both the TV industry and tired trends in comedy (the always hilarious combination of a fat woman who’s sexually confident! Old ladies are crazy! Farts!).

Lemon may have seduced pilot Carol (Matt Damon) with her Fart Doctor skits, but TGS failed to win many hearts. With sketches like Pam the Overly Confident Morbidly Obese Woman, Ching-Chong Man Who Loves to Play Ping-Pong, Fat Hillary Clinton, Bear vs. Killer Robots, Me Want Food, and Gaybraham Lincoln, why it wasn’t more successful is a mystery.

Astronaut Mike Dexter 

Lemon may have ended up with James Marsden’s Criss Chros, but fictional boyfriend Astronaut Mike Dexter will always hold a special place in her heart. Handsomer than Dr Drew, less British than Wesley Snipes, less living-in-Cleveland than Floyd, and a million times better than Dennis Duffy, Astronaut Mike Dexter had it all… except of course, a corporeal self. 

The fake songs 

Over the years, Jenna Maroney’s singing career has vomited up some truly dreadful creations, and topping the list has to be Muffin Top (a big hit in the king-making music markets of Israel and Belgium). Seguing from its pop insanity chorus “My muffin top is all that, wholegrain, low-fat” into a Madonna-style spoken-word rap “I’m an independent lady, so please don’t try to play me. I run a tidy bakery. The boys all want my cake for free”, the song is a battery assault on the senses.

But is it worse than Jenna’s summer dance jam, Balls, which earned her the princely sum of $50 in royalties? Or her computer generated, generic benefit song in aid of an unspecific natural disaster, which urged viewers to donate to “help the people the thing that happened, happened to”? How about the Jackie Jormp Jomp performance she gave of Chunk Of My Lung, written by Jack five minutes before the show, containing the classic line “You know you’ve bought it if life makes you sweet food”? Or Fart So Loud, the un-Weird Al-able song she and Tracy wrote after he parodied the theme to Avery Jessup TV movie Kidnapped? Such riches…

It’s not only Jenna who’s provided 30 Rock’s musical intervals of course. Season three finale Kidney Now! welcomed an eclectic collection of stars including Sheryl Crow, Mary J Blige, Elvis Costello, Moby, two of the Beastie Boys, Wyclef Jean, and Cyndi Lauper to perform a We Are The World-style anthem at the Milton Green benefit gig. Angie Jordan famously released a fifteen-second single My Single Is Dropping, to ride on the wave of her reality-show fame, Frank and Pete’s Sound Mound came up with unforgettable rock anthem Weekend Woman, and in the very same episode, even Tina Fey got in on the action by providing excellent Joni Mitchell parody, Paints and Brushes.

The legacy award though, as in the 30 Rock fake song that will continue to bring joy to the hearts of fans decades from now, has to go to one song, and one song only: Tracy Jordan’s Werewolf Bar Mitzvah.

Frank’s hat slogans 

Off-set, stand-up Judah Friedlander favours his ‘World Champion’ trucker hat, the one he claims to have been awarded as the winner of the World Championships of pretty much all sports, martial arts, and that time he karate kicked Chuck Norris’ beard off his face and forced him to legally change his name to Charles.

On-set as Frank Rossitano though, Friedlander wears a series of self-designed trucker hats, each bearing a different gnomic slogan. Often incongruous, sometimes suggestive, and always odd, Frank’s hat slogans are part of the bricks and mortar of 30 Rock. In terms of favourites, we’re quite fond of ‘Alabama Legsweep’, or the laconic enigma of ‘And’, though ‘Shark Cop’, ‘Half Centaur’ and ‘Space Gravy’ also caught our eye over the seasons.

Jenna’s Mickey Rourke sex stories 

Like Dot Com’s intellectualism, this running gag may have been introduced late into proceedings, but Jenna’s torrid sexual history with putty-faced beefcake Mickey Rourke gave J-Mo some of her best lines. Jenna’s allusions to Rourke’s sexually deviant and murderous attempts on her life paint a fascinating picture for 30 Rock fans. Here are some of the finest:

“Your new vibe is a double-edged sword, much like the kind Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with”, “Nice try Hazel, but you made the same mistake Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran. You didn’t kill me when you had the chance.”, “I’m going to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.” “Next time you’ll tell me Mickey Rourke catapulted you into the Hollywood sign.” “You know what they say, if you can’t stand the heat, get off Mickey Rourke’s sex grill.” Wise words.

Kenneth the immortal page 

To this day Kenneth Ellen Parcell remains something of an enigma to 30 Rock viewers. In later seasons, Jack McBrayer’s character went from being a simple country rube from Stone Mountain, Georgia to  the flesh vessel for a mysterious immortal with no reflection, no age, and links to a world beyond our own.

Plenty of reference has been made to Kenneth’s ageless and supernatural state over the years, including the suggestion that not only is he unable to die, but he’s also an angel, sent to oversee the transition of souls from one world to the next.

The fake TV shows 

It’s either a credit to the 30 Rock team or a condemnation of our times that Jack Donaghy’s hit reality viewer vote show, MILF Island, no longer feels like a parody. In generations to come, time will no doubt erode the boundaries between fact and fiction, and we 30 Rock fans will be telling our kids about the time we watched Deborah beat her competitors and claim MILF victory in the same breath as educating them about those people who ate kangaroo anuses for public approval.

MILF Island stands head and shoulders above the rest of 30 Rock’s fake TV shows (including TGS��itself, lest we not forget), but that doesn’t mean that Gold Case, Los Amantes Clandestinos, Black Frasier, Homonym, or the inimitable Bitch Hunter deserve any less respect. Our fallen brothers, we salute you.

We could go on indefinitely listing the recurring jokes that made 30 Rock great, from Liz’s sandwich lust and desire to go to there, to Jack’s gloriously thatched head of hair and Republican conspiracies. As the show prepares to return, which of the above will live again?

30 Rock: A One-Time Special lands on NBC on Thursday July 16th at 8pm in the US.

The post 30 Rock’s Best Running Jokes appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2WjIevB

[ssaalexblake]

cm final season ideas that are Super Amazing(tm)

each ep is a different au, but not potentially good au’s like a period piece or a supernatural story. It’d be things like sheep farmer au’s (somebody is sheep rustling, the b-aaaaaaaa-u farm profiles their culprit to save the day), trucker au (there is a trucker killer on the loose! the B-A_U_Turn gang must figure out which of their colleagues is a mass murderer!) or an Everybody works as a doorman (doorperson?) for a different apartment building on an absurdly wealthy street, they get together every friday for a poker game (the behavioral poker unit) where they put on their crime solver hats and try to figure out who murdered old john smith in the penthouse. 

an entire episode from the perspective of Roxy the dog. She is her own hero, views the entire team as her fairly incapable side-kicks, except Luke, who is Obviously The Best Human. the bestest(tm). 

One of those Truly Terrible faux documentary episodes where it’s from the perspective of the film maker, each team member brushes them off with varying degrees of rudeness except for Garcia and Reid, who go into their interviews with cheery confusion and leave having accidentally brutally embarrassed themselves. Film maker inevitably gets kidnapped by bloodthirsty murderer.  The show painfully tries to convince the audience maybe they won’t be saved b/c the team hates them, it’s annoying, the team save the filmmaker. The documentary sucks, the filmmaker expresses sorrow for not catching their own kidnapping on film. A bunch of the ppl the bau had caught are interviewed. It’s wild. 

Prentiss, JJ, Tara and, somehow, Garcia, are pinned down in a corner and almost out of ammo while being shot at by at least ten bad guys, they’re staring emotionally at each other as if to convey deep emotions of love and sisterhood in the last moments of their lives, truly expecting to die in mere seconds. UNTIL one of those tacky movie shots where suddenly every female character ever on the team appear together on screen, guns blazing and save the day (all the dead ones are there too, nobody mentions this is odd). This scene, naturally, makes up for all the ways women have been shat on in the show b/c Girl Power(tm). 

Every single team member is head over the heels in love with another team mate, but like, nobody is ever in requited love. They all love the wrong people. Prentiss cries nightly over JJ while she cries over Reid and Reid cries over Luke and Luke cries over Garcia and Garcia cries over Matt who cries over Tara who cries over Prentiss. (and yeah i wrote all that and forgot Rossi entirely please do not mention it he loves his pasta) 

the jet pilot is a serial killer and the team never noticed and i will stop wanting this plot line to happen some time after i am dead.

an entire episode dedicated to junior bau, all the kids work behind the parents’ back to solve a case. Henry is ring leader and Matt’s eldest is his Rossi figure, his second son is the lead interrogator. The twins are the brains of the operation. Little Michael is the tech genius. Joy Rossi wonders when she became part of a crime solving team of under tens and also how she somehow is Not the one in charge. 

Agent Grant Anderson, steadfast BAU SA is murdered. The team is out for vengeance but also they cannot ever find any pencils ever again because Anderson is the only one who knew where they all were. 

the bau is shut down and in protest rossi starts his own FBI and reinstates the unit out of his basement for nostalgia reasons, i mean they all also get arrested for impersonating federal agents but it’s cool. 

they all just go on vacation. No deaths, crime, or pathological behavior happens. Prentiss jet skis, Tara destroys Luke at every game ever made, Matt, too nice to abandon Kristy to all their kids takes the whole fam with him, C H A O S. JJ eats a lobster. Garcia pets a cat. Reid sky dives. Luke gets too drunk and gets a holiday shame tattoo of a chihuahua he has to hide forevermore. Not one sad thing happens. 

Last episode??? The last scene is a shot of Gideon waking up in bed as if from a nightmare. He’s about to go back to work in the bau again after those 6 agents died in the bombing, but suddenly changes his mind because of the dream, buys another cabin in the middle of nowhere instead and attempts to find and photograph vultures in the wild. It was all a dream and everybody lived happily ever after!!! The end!!!!!

[castleportrpg]

—BOLD WHAT APPLIES. 

[ COLORS ] red. brown. orange. yellow. green. blue. purple. pink. black. white. teal. silver. gold. grey. lilac. metallic. matte. royal blue. strawberry red. charcoal grey. forest green. apple red. violet. navy blue. crimson. cream. mint green. bubblegum pink. sky blue. pale jade. magenta. olive green.

[ ELEMENTS ] fire. ice. water. air. earth. rain. snow. wind. moon. stars. sun. heat. cold. steam. frost. lightning. sunlight. moonlight. dawn. dusk. twilight. midnight. sunrise. sunset. dewdrops.

[ WEAPONS ] fists. legs. sword. dagger. spear. bow & arrow. hammer. shield. poison. guns. axes. throwing axes. whips. knives. throwing knives. pepper sprays. tasers. machine guns. slingshots. katanas. maces. staves. wands. powers. magical items. magic. rocks. snowballs. claws. teeth. stealth. strategy.

[ MATERIALS ] gold. silver. copper. platinum. titanium. bronze. rose gold. diamonds. pearls. rubies. sapphires. malachite. pyrite. emeralds. tiger’s eye. green tourmaline. amethyst. rose quartz. metal. iron. steel. rust. glass. wood. porcelain. paper. wool. fur. lace. leather. silk. velvet. denim. linen. cotton. charcoal. clay. stone. asphalt. brick. marble. dust. glitter. blood. dirt. mud. smoke. ash. carbonate. rubber. synthetics. ribbon. aluminum. grease. obsidian.

[ NATURE ]  grass. leaves. trees. bark. roses. daisies. sunflowers. tulips. wildflowers. lavender. lilies. hibiscus. petals. thorns. pine needles. seeds. hay. sand. rocks. bamboo. roots. flowers. fungi. ocean. river. frozen lake. meadows. valleys. forest. desert. cacti. tundra. savanna. rainforest. caves. underwater. beach. waves. space. constellations. shooting stars. auroras. clouds. mountains. dew. rainbows. blizzards. fossils. moss. driftwood. fjords. canyons. floods. droughts. thunder. tornadoes. hurricanes. tsunamis. volcanoes. earthquakes. mist. ponds.

[ ANIMALS ] lions. wolves. foxes. bears. tigers. eagles. owls. falcons. hawks. swans. snakes. turtles. frogs. toads.ducks. bugs. spiders. birds. dove. seagulls. whales. dolphins. fish. sharks. horses. cats. dogs. rabbits. penguins.tarantulas. praying mantises. butterflies. ladybugs. scarabs. bees. wasps. crows. ravens. mice. lizards. octopi. squids. jellyfish. elephants. giraffes. rhinos. scorpions. crocodiles. armadillos. badgers. goats. sheep. pigs. chickens. llamas. camels. vultures. sloths. monkeys. werewolves. unicorns. pegasus. phoenix. dragons.

[ FOODS / DRINKS ] sugar. salt. candy. bubblegum. coffee. tea. kombucha. beer. wine. hard liquor. vodka. champagne. whiskey. spices. herbs. apples. oranges. lemons. cherries. strawberries. peaches. watermelon. coca cola. pepsi. dr pepper. mountain dew. sprite. vegetables. fruits. meat. seafood. pies. desserts. chocolate. potato chips. soup. stew. breakfast cereal. donuts. toast. waffles. ramen. caramel. cookies. chips & salsa. berries. nuts. cinnamon. iced coffee. cold brew. burgers. burritos. sushi. pizza. bbq. nachos. quesadillas. avocado. eggs. milk. cheese. poultry. bacon. popcorn. macaroni & cheese. pasta. hot pockets. sandwiches. insects. pudding. cheesecake. jerky.

[ HOBBIES ]  music. art. watercolors. gardening. metalworking. sculpting. painting. sketching. hiking. camping. writing. poetry. composing. cooking. baking. sewing. weightlifting. swimming. dancing. acting. singing. sports. football. basketball. martial arts. self-defense. war tactics. electronics. technology. phone. cameras. video cameras. vlogging. blogging. video games. knitting. crocheting. movies. theater. libraries. books. comic books. magazines. cds. vinyls. cassettes. piano. strings. violin. guitar. electric guitar. bass guitar. harmonica. drums. harp. woodwinds. brass. flute. astrology. exploring. playing cards. poker chips. chess. dice. roleplay board games. billiards. hockey. motorcycle riding. woodworking. fishing. eating. sleeping. climbing. paintball. running. jogging. skateboarding. parkour. partying. studying. mechanics. hunting.

[ STYLE ] t-shirts. camisoles. tank tops. muscle shirts. vests. blazers. v-neck shirts. button-up shirts. boxers.briefs. boxer briefs. sport bras. lingerie. sneakers. converses. vans slip-ons. sandals. heels. doc martens. engineer boots. wing-tips. leather lace-up boots. saddle shoes. leggings. trousers. jeans. chinos. shorts. pencil skirts. skinny jeans. earrings. gauges. necklaces. bracelets. rings. trucker hats. snapbacks. tye-dye. band t-shirts. flannel. hawaiian shirts. bandanas. motorcycle helmet. fedora hats. scarf. cloaks. corsets. belt. denim jackets. bomber jackets. letterman jackets. canadian tuxedos. hoodies. sweaters. cardigans. thrift store sweaters. sport jerseys. gloves. corduroy. wool socks. pea jackets. ties. bowties. bolo ties. suspenders. watches. glasses. elbow patches. sunglasses. visor. eye contacts. makeup. braces. canes. tattoos.

[ MUSIC ] rock. pop. jazz. rap. r&b. hip-hop. funk. alternative. classic rock. classical. trance. dubstep. top 40. edm. hardstyle. blues. latin. k-pop. j-pop. ambient. new age. metal. world fusion.  reggae. soca. punk. ska. singer-songwriter. folk. country. bluegrass. americana. swing. opera. show tunes. film score. a capella. minimalist. christian. avant-garde. new wave. disco. baroque. symphonic metal. soundtrack. vaporwave. glitch. house. chillout. psychedelic rock. post-rock. cabaret. trip-hop. easy listening. glam rock. trap. nightcore. indie. garage. grunge. contemporary. shoegaze. surf rock. black metal. metalcore. emo. screamo. rockabilly. parody. industrial. electro pop.

[ MISC ] balloons. bubbles. bubble baths. showers. city skylines. light. dark. lust. gluttony. greed. sloth. wrath.envy. pride. growth. decay. war. peace. work. money. power. clocks. photos. mirrors. lighters. sweat. pets. candles. diary. journal. graffiti. bottlecaps. cigarette butts. postcards. fairy lights. madness. sanity. sadness. realism. happiness. loyalty. optimism. pessimism. loneliness. family. friends. clan. assistants. co-workers. enemies. corn fields. bonfires. friday nights. road trips. neon lights. county fairs. smoking. drugs. kindness. love. hugs. kisses. tears. typewriters. thrift stores. wood cabins. netflix & chill. spring. summer. autumn. winter. farmland. countryside. suburban. small town.