#Matt overshares again

[evie-sturns]

ᴠɪʀɢɪɴ - ᴄʜʀɪꜱ ꜱᴛᴜʀɴɪᴏʟᴏ

summary: chris has always been your best friend until one night everything changes when you lose your virginity to him.

contains: smut, gentle chris, swearing, fluff.

———------------.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.-----------------——

chris and i tell eachother everything, i mean everything. we've been friends since the 6th grade and have no secrets, except for one. i'm a virgin. in my defence hes never really asked but its my biggest insecurity

its 11pm, me, nick, matt, chris and madi are sitting on the sturniolos couch, im cuddled against nick as matt and chris scroll on their phone.

madi is talking about a hookup experience right infront of us. ive never really hung out with her alone but she seems to overshare. a lot. "y/n, you know how when then finish they make strange ass noises?" she continues "mhm.." i lie, "but oh my god he was making demonic sounds like what the fuck" she says laughing.

after 5 more minutes of her talking, i feel humiliated, everyone else in the room except for me is laughing along with her and agreeing.

she wont stop.

i grab my phone then stand up off the couch, walking out of room in and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. i hear the living room go silent apart from a few whispers "chris go see whats wrong!" i hear nick say quietly and then shuffling, followed by 3 knocks on the bathroom door.

"y/n? you okay?" i hear chris say softly.

"please go away chris."

"im not gonna go away sweetheart, please talk to me." chris whispers through the door.

after a few minutes i unlock the door. chris opens it slowly to find me inside, eyes puffy from the few tears i shed. "oh y/n.." chris says sympathetically before pulling me into a hug, rubbing my back. "c'mon, lets go to my room so you can talk to me." he offers and i nod. he takes my hand as we open the door to his bedroom.

he sits down on the floor, resting his back against the side of his bed. i sit down next to him and lay my head on his shoulder.

i take a deep breath "im a virgin." i say bluntly, but quietly. he tenses slightly then nods understandably.

"and its fucking embarrasing when madis talking about fucking random dudes infront of me, its quite frankly humiliating." i continue "because im almost 21 and ive never done anything." i sigh.

an uncomfortable silence grows for a few seconds "this might be weird, and if you dont want to we can never talk about any of this again, but i could.." he pauses

"i could help..?" he says nervously

"help?" i repeat, slightly confused.

"i mean we've been best friends for like 9 years, i could y'know. teach ya? like platonically though." he says holding my hand.

another silence grows.

"okay!" i say nervously

"ok?" he whispers

"you can, lead the way?" i offer and he smiles.

he stands up, before leaning down and pulling me up by my wrists. we're both clearly nervous. "do i uh, have your like.. full consent?" he says concerned and i let out a small laugh "yes chris, you do, you're the person im most comfortable with."

he lifts his shirt off over his head, i blush, why am i blushing?

he throws his shirt to the floor before pulling mine off, revealing my white bra, which he quickly unclasps. he leans down and grabs my jaw, pulling me into a soft kiss. my heart rate increases as i realise this is chris, my best friend.

he picks me up by my ass and places me gently on my back on his mattress, the same one that we were giggling on yesterday. he pulls down my shorts, then my panties. leaving me revealed on the bed. he looms over me before pulling me by my thighs to the edge of the bed. he leans down between my thighs, his cold breath against my heat.

he drags his tongue all the way from my hole to my clit forcing a desperate moan out of me. "tastes so fucking good." he mumbles which causes me to squirm. he stands up and unbuckles his leather belt, letting it fall to the floor before he unbuttons his baggy jeans.

he stands in-between my legs in his boxers, it feels wrong, but so fucking right. "you ready baby?"

baby?

"im nervous chris, what if it hurts."

"dont be, it doesnt have to hurt, mhm?" he says reassuringly as he nods his head at me.

"i trust you chris.." i say smiling as he grabs the inside of my thigh "can you spread a little more?" he says and i comply.

after what feels like forever he pulls down his boxers slowly, letting his boner spring out, hitting his stomach. i instantly sit up in shock "chris-." i stutter as i look up at him

"you're okay, it wont hurt if you relax. ill go super slow hm?" he reasures and i nod.

"lay back down princess." he whispers.

i lay back down and reach for chris's hand, its always been a comfort thing for me and right now i need it more than ever.

his dick is strangely perfect.

i take a deep breath and squeeze chris's hand as his tip pushes against my entrance. he pushes slowly inside of me, giving me only an inch or two. "fuck you're so tight." he groans making my stomach flip. "you look so beautiful taking me mhm."

as he sinks deeper into me, his balls lightly pressing against my ass.

the same boy who i used to beg to play barbies with me is now balls deep inside of me.

im a moaning mess as chris giggles slightly

"what the fuck is funny chris" i say smiling

"your moans." he says nonchalantly as he starts to thrust, kissing my cervis each time

"shut up.." i say in between moans as i squeeze his hand tighter.

without warning he pulls out which causes me to immediately grab him and pull him closer "i didnt finish chris!" i say frustrated

"shh sh, i know i know, i want you to ride me. can you do that for me?" he says which almost makes me orgasm from his words.

"okay."

he lays down beside me and grabs my waist pulling me ontop of his so im sitting on his thighs. i prop myself up above his tip as he grabs my hips. i slowly sink down on him, feeling every inch of him filling me up. i moan loudly causing him to slam a hand over my mouth "shh." he whispers as i bounce up and down, i squeeze my eyes shut as my moans are muffled by his hand.

"y/n baby, im close okay? i want you to cum with me." he groans as i bounce faster on his cock

"you ready?" he says as his breathing becomes quicker. i nod as i clench around him, instantly making him release inside of me. i follow right after him as i collapse on his chest, he reaches a hand down pulling himself out of me.

he holds me tight against his chest, my breasts push against his hard chest while he grabs my ass. "you did so fucking good, so good." he whispers into my hair. "you want me to get you dressed baby?" he offers and i nod, sitting up on his stomach. he sits up and i slide off him onto his bed. as he stands up, he holds up my panties and shoves them in his pocket. before i have time to question it hes pulling me onto my feet.

he picks me up and slings me over his shoulder. i squeal as he keep a firm grip on my thigh. pulling my shorts onto me. he places me back down onto my feet and puts my bra on. "is this right" he says with a slight laugh "yeah surprisingly!!" i say with a wide grin before pulling my shirt on.

chris finishes getting dressed and plants another kiss on my lips "was that okay for you? i hope it didnt hurt" chris asks softly "yeah it felt.. really fucking good chris." i say wiping my eyes in embarrassment.

he grabs my hand and takes me into the living room. nick is looking at chris with disgust and everyones dead silent "did you guys just fuck." matt says breaking the silence and my heart drops to my stomach

"what.." i say defensivley

"the load ass moans?" nick yells angrily.

the silence grows as chris looks like hes seen a ghost as i look up at him

chris suddenly starts "she got her period, so i took her up to my room so she could grab some fucking.. products. she was crying, they may of sounded like moans to you but she was just upset." he lies so confidently straight through his teeth which almost makes me burst out laughing.

"so im taking her home alright?" chris continues.

"shit sorry guys." nick says embarrassed "see you tommorow y/n, feel better" matt says and i smile at him.

(4 weeks later)

"hey baby, i got you these!" chris says walking into my bedroom with flowers "for what exactly" i say laughing "one month anniversary dumb fuck." chris says giving me a kiss on my lips.

4 weeks ago when he dropped me off he confessed to me.

he said he'd liked me for a while now, as in 5 years.

i hated to admit it, but i had felt the same.———------------.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.-----------------——

[punkshort]

Your Marcus Acacius… let me tell you, when I say my life hasn’t been the same since, I’m not even exaggerating. I mean literally. That man is so swoonable it hurts!!😫 it is impossible not to fall madly in love (and lust😉) with him! The way you described both his inner and outer beauty and his irresistible personality and riz and confidence and raw masculinity is just *CHEFS KISS!! You leave such a visceral sense of who he is he has me in a chokehold and Im just mad that he’s not reeeeeal!!😭😭

your world building is so beautiful! it’s so vivid and delightful it makes me wanna live there. (And I live in NYC😆)

The side characters Iizard and the brother are hilarious! I love them AND I wanna throw an oven mitt at them😂

Your protagonist: I like your protagonist so much she’s so endearing. She’s so sweet and kind even when she’s ready to kick Danny’s ass you can tell she still loves him and will always look out for him. She’s not perfect and struggles at work (and with life) like most of us do but she’s smart and strong and resilient like we all try/want to be so she’s very relatable. It’s easy to see how a man like Acacius would fall in love with her. And even when she’s angry and annoyed she’s still very lovable (in contrast to Kate and Leopold). And that Matt guy. Well… he deserves everything he got lol And the smut… oh the smut. It’s so fluffy and sweet and SO HOTTT🥵🥵 I melted on the floor like your protagonist said🫠🫠

TW: I don’t wanna make this weird I swear. you don’t have to reply at all it’s totally fine. I just want you to know that your art has literally changed my life. I don’t mean to overshare but… being able to take refuge in the world you’ve created got me through weeks of PTSD flashback hell. And I’ve had this one difficulty all my life and decades of expensive therapy couldn’t make a dent but In Another Life cured it. I’m excited to live again🥹. I just wanna say from the bottom of my heart how grateful I am that you shared your beautiful writing with us!❣️❣️💝����💝💖

Sincerely,

A Marcus Acacius Girly

PS I did reblog your work but I was too embarrassed to leave all this in my comments so I had to go anon in your inbox😅

This was so beautiful to read it took me a minute to figure out how to answer it - I can't really put into words what this means to me but I'll try 🥹

Firstly, thank you so much for pointing out all your favorite parts because that's my favorite part! I absolutely adore hearing what struck you the most as a reader and I like to hear if what I've written came across the way it intended and how I imagined it, etc, so this was and always is so wonderful to hear. It just gave me that extra motivation I needed to work on part 3 later 🤭 (I've already started it but didn't get very far)

Secondly, thank you for sharing a bit about your personal struggles. I know that has to be so hard for you to share and I appreciate that you felt impacted enough by something I wrote to want to say something about it. I don't think I know how to describe the way my chest literally tightened when I read that part but I'm floored something I wrote could help anybody in the world the way you described. It makes me so happy I could help you in that way, it really truly does. I really hope things are looking better for you now ❤️

Lastly, thank you for reblogging! Don't feel obligated to write anything when you do, I appreciate it all the same!

I'm very grateful you reached out to me and trusted me enough to share a piece of yourself. I sincerely hope the rest of the story meets your expectations and continues to bring a little light into your life ❤️ I also rely heavily on this platform (and my own writing) as a form of therapy (and maybe a little escapism, sure) so we certainly have that in common 😘

[woodsfae]

Babylon 5 s02E08 Soul Mates

s02 Table of Contents • previous episode

oh god. All three of Londo Mollari's wives. Minus two. Sounds very slightly more manageable. To watch.

What kind of mind trick was that? Stoner, lol. Maybe it’s the scent of dank weed floating off him.

No. I just made a very weird noise. Talia's ex husband Matt Stoner has arrived on B5. This is going to be an episode of all time. I can just tell.

Timov: "I won't bite, Vir." Vir: “With all due respect, madam, that's not what I heard." Timov: “All right....that one time." Vir: “It was...it was twice..."

Oh, Centauri. why. Them Being Like That is, so far, kinda funny, kinda repelling. While being unfairly interesting, actually. I'm getting to be fond of complaining about them. And I also realized today that part of what repels me about them is that I feel unwillingly voyeuristic whenever they get heterosexually dysfunctional.

^ actually me whenever the Centauri whip out a tentacle or overshare about their painfully hetero sex lives

Another wife has arrived! I quite like these two women interacting.

John Sheridan, my heart just grew three sizes. That's so sweet! Friends and allies!

ashfdsjhfd. OK. I have to pause and quote this Ivanova and Delenn interaction because I just put my hands over my face and scream-laughed for a minute over Delenn's hair.

Delenn, all but vibrating in rage: "Commander. I want you to understand. I acquired human characteristics to bring your people and mine closer together. To symbolize our mutuality! It is supposed to be a dignified, inspiring transition for both humans and Minbari. So will you, please, explain to me, why this - this - this *rips at hair*" Ivanova: "Hair." Delenn *rips at a trapped hairbrush* "...refuses to cooperate?!"

This is also everything I ever wanted. And also why my hair is never allowed to grow longer than my chin before I whack it off.

Delenn: "Please. I trust you."

my heart

Oh, Talia. My heart again, for totally different reasons. PsiCorps are shits.

And G'Kar!! I've missed G'Kar. His armor is getting prettier and prettier I swear.

So shimmery and shiny!

I could watch Daggair and Timov all day.

Daggair: "Your problem, Timov, is that you've never known your place." Timov: "My place? You once threatened to break a vase over his head." Daggair, laughing: "Well, that...that, was the impetuousness of youth." Timov: "That was last month."

Timov definitely has Londo's number. I agree with her, Daggair is definitely up to something.

Timov: "The secret of our marriage's success, Londo, is our lack of communication. You have jeopardized that success, and I would know why."

This is absolutely, hands down, the funniest, most engaging, and delightful Centauri episode so far. I love Timov so much. She can come back whenever she likes.

Happy 30th Ascension Day, Londo.

Wow, a two-out-of-three divorce is a great 30th Ascension Day gift from the emperor. Well, any one wish within his power is a great gift, but it totally tracks that Londo would use it to get out of as many arranged marriages as possible (while insisting that it's a valid way of life and other people should just shut up and take the marriages).

I like the staggered introduction of Mollari wives.

I bet the props department had a ton of fun coming up with alien artifacts.

Lennier is back!!! He's so sweet. Checking to make sure the hair curlers aren't painful. I must disagree with Delenn: they may not be physically painful, but they're a psychological torment.

This tension between Garibaldi and Matt Stoner is delightful. He's clearly a shit, but he and Garibaldi have banger chemistry.

Londo: "Be careful. I should have warned you. On Earth, you have these creatures - insects attracted to flames?" Sheridan: "Uh, yes. Moths. They're drawn to flames and bright lights, and get burned." Londo: "Mariel is drawn to men of power in that same way. But trust me - she burns them."

I like her.

My most insistent inclination right now is that Londo will stay married to Timov. But I could also see him staying with Mariel just because she's the youngest, or he admires her zest for burning powerful men. Or Daggair, since she's flattering his ego on this trip. It'll be interesting to see how this goes! Perhaps this divorce is a fake-out and he'll end up using his favor for something completely unrelated.

Fuck U Matt. Leave her alone.

This is definitely a case of the cure being worse than the sickness. Losing telepathy after a lifetime of having it sounds traumatic. Losing it to get out of PsiCorps grip if there's no other option - potentially worth it, depending on the individual. Having your creepy ex arrange for it, thus giving his obsessed and gross self something to hold over you? Nooo. No thank you.

Talia, to Garibaldi: "Please, keep out of this. It's not your concern." Garibaldi: "I...I feel it is." Talia: "Feel differently."

TELL HIM SIS. Fuck yes. Talia telling men to fuck off instead of appeasing them and de-escalating is a glorious thing to behold.

Londo: "You haven't changed." Timov: "You have. You've devolved."

Your honor, I love her.

:( I'm sorry you're apologizing to Gaibaldi, Talia.

And that you're considering leaving with Matt!

Understandable feelings, F- risk assessment.

Londo and G'Kar's fighting is as delightful as ever! Londo could do so much with his brainpower if he devoted it to anything worthwhile, and this is obvious because he's so good at fucking with G'Kar.

Lennier is so fucking cute. Londo is going to cheat so hard with those marked cards.

Murder via ancient, Centauri artifact is a pretty interesting way to take someone out.

Obviously Matt Stoner sucks, but I continue to love him and Garibaldi interacting.

Awwww, Timov.

"Whatever you think of me, doctor, I have some principles that even twenty years with Londo can't erase."

oh my god. hahahahaha I love her.

Security Officer: "There's just something about [Matt] that makes you wanna like him."

Hmmmm. Residual PsiPowers?

Franklin: "Ambassador Mollari, do you mind if make one personal observation? Londo: "No, not at all." Franklin: "Stick it." Londo: "How odd. I didn't even know we were married."

That's a pretty good one. I tolerate the Centauri Boomer Humor a lot better when it's less hetero.

Matt definitely has some latent PsiPowers. Shake it off, Talia! Kick him in the nads!

Well, setting him up to being hit by Garibaldi is OK too, I guess.

I did wonder if Mariel was responsible for the poisoning. Love her. And G'Kar! He continues to be a total delight and I love seeing him interact with new people.

Matt: "Look into my mind. No shields. No tricks." Talia: "No chance."

Good plan. A+ risk assessment. That's character growth!

It is slightly laudable that Londo prefers to have honestly over flattery in his stable relationships.

:( oh fuck, poor Delenn. Menstruating is not something you wanna pick up, especially when it comes with cramps. :(

next episode

[akwardlyuncool]

Akward Class Favorites The Playlist 2023

I thank y'all for being here. I thank myself for being here. Somehow you and I made it through another year and another Akward Class Favorites and that is a win in my book. I do this thing, whatever this is, because it brings me joy. Regardless of all the missing pieces or the things that will show up later cause I lost them in the couch, I'm still trying my best to show up for that joy. Before I officially close us out though, we gotta phat playlist to listen to. I'm also gonna add in some life-notes, cause I like to talk and I overshare and what better way to do that, than through an annotated playlist. Once again, thank you for sticking around and if you're new here thank you for showing up. As always conversation are encouraged on this blog. Let's see what comes next.

_________________________________________________________________

Notes:

This is not a strictly 2023 playlist, but the 2023 songs will be clearly marked.

There is a story or flow that I tried to create once again, but you do not need to know any of that to follow along with the playlist. You can listen in order, shuffle, pick and choose, do whatever you want.

That being said if you’re following along from the beginning and reading along, the anecdotes that follow many of the songs aren’t really apart of that story, they’re just extra pieces of sometimes “personal” information that I include because it’s fun for me.

When I’m collecting YouTube links for these songs, I’ll often find a live or alternate version that I really like and will share that instead, or in addition to, the original/studio version. I will note when I do this, however the full Spotify playlist will have the “correct” version.

And to make sure I included the YouTube links in general, the formatting for the whole post might be a little off, sorry.

Side note: I wrote all the songs how they show up in Spotify, which is why some are capitalized and some are not. (Just in case anyone was wondering.)

Key:

⭐️ = Songs that came out specifically in 2023 🕚 = Songs that came out in November/December of 2022. (You know the late babies.) ✊🏾 = Songs by/featuring Black Artists.

__________________________________________________________________

There is something here for literally EVERYONE, so if you don't find something you like, you didn't listen hard enough. Enjoy!

1. ⭐️ Gans Media Retro Games - Hot Mulligan

Why do I keep trying to spell Hot Mulligan as "Hott Mulligan?"

2. ⭐️ CHRONICALLY CAUTIOUS - Braden Baless

I relate to this song on a core level.

3. ✊🏾 Anxiety - Meg Thee Stallion

I know less than nothing about this current beef, but it's always gonna be team Meg!

4. I'D RATHER DIE - AS IT IS

It was a rough summer. People who know me in real life, I promise I'm fine.

5. ⭐️ Lost - Linkin Park

Happy 20th Anniversary to Meteora! These unearthed tracks fit that era so well.

6. ⭐️ Rational - Matt Maeson

Stop describing me lol.

7. ⭐️ No Shoes In The Coffee Shop “Or Socks” - Hot Mulligan

8. ⭐️ 20 Missed Calls - Braden Bales

The video is of a live session, but Spotify will have the recorded version.

9. How Do You Know It's Not Armadillo Shells? - Hot Mulligan

10. I Like to Hide in the Bathroom at Parties ft. The Knocks - Winnetka Bowling League

11. ✊🏾 Stupidfreak (Audiotree Live Version) - Juice

12. ⭐️ Nevermind - Between You & Me

13. Fake It - State Champs

14. ⭐️ It Won’t Be Like This Forever - Neck Deep

15. ⭐️ NEW LOVE - BOYS LIKE GIRLS

16. First Date (Acoustic Cover) - Taylor Acorn

17. PERRIER - Braden Bales

It's just so cute and it makes me want to find a crush and be in giddy kind love.

18. Sundress ft. Four Years Strong - State Champs

This song also makes me want to be in love.

19. Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray

Second first kisses or first second kisses? I definitely wanted to be there and wanted to do it again. Also it wouldn't hurt if you thought things would have gotten better the next time. This is filler a version cause the actual song that played was a heavy punk cover of this song and I don't know who sang it.

20. ⭐️ ✊🏾 Buckle Bunny - Tanner Adell

Be a little thot-y. Have a little fun. PS: This post has been written for quite some time now, but with the new conversations being had, I just want to add that Yoncé didn't invent Black Woman in Country music and she is not the revival of such things.

21. Nonsense - Sabrina Carpenter

Dress a little thot-y. Have a little fun. Flirt a little. Fall in love or hard core like.

22. ⭐️ Breakfast For Dinner - Winnetka Bowling League

This song is hella cute. Y'all don't understand how much I want to be in love.

23. ⭐️ The Places We’ll Go ft. Dashboard Confessional - Yellowcard

24. 🇵🇸 sun and moon - anees

My best friend had baby, but more relevant to this list, a baby-shower that was themed after the moon and the stars. She asked me to make the playlist and I understood the assignment. Free Palestine!

25. Spaceship - Andy Grammer

More baby shower playlist gems. Also this song is hella cute and I recommend it to all the parents.

26. Act Like That ft. Mitchell Tempenny - State Champs

27. An Irish Party in Third Class (Includes "John Ryan's Polka" and "Blarney Pilgrim") - Gaelic Storm

25th Titanic Anniversary in Imax 3D. Let's just say I finally got my "Dinner and A Movie," you know the one that Harriet The Spy was talking about.

28. ⭐️ ✊🏾 What’s The Move ft T-Pain - Watsky

29. ⭐️ FIGURE IT OUT ft. YNG Martyr and Stafford Beats - Chandler

I only really like Chandler's parts and if you heard this from this from TikTok, yes the Chandler Shimmy has a hold on me too.

30. ⭐️ THE OUTSIDE (Outsiders Version) ft. 30H!3, State Champs, The Summer Set and The Ready Set - Boys Like Girls

This collab is top tier and I'm still geeked about seeing most of them in one lineup. Also not to be rude, but what part does The Ready set do? I've been trying to figure out what he does and the answer doesn't seem to exist for me.

31. 31 - Mike Edel

32. Miles Apart - Yellowcard

This was my summer anthem for 2023. It's just such a perfect fit.

33. ⭐️ ONE MORE TIME - blink-182

PERFECT! No notes. It gives the same energy as Back Together by The Summer Set, both of them make me want to cry.

34. ⭐️ 2005 - Story Of The Year

I'm not mad at it. Let all the boys come back and reminisce, especially if it involves anniversary tours.

35. ⭐️ NOTHING LIKE THE LAST TIME - Watsky

I am celebrating. I am not crying. I promise you.

36. ⭐️ Don't - Wild Rivers

This song is so good, but I ran away from it because feelings are complicated and I thought I didn't know until I realized I did and then it was over. PS: You can always ask me how I feel or felt, conversations haven't expired yet.

37. 🕚 Forget Me (Piano Acoustic Version) - Lewis Capaldi

38. are you okay? - Winnetka Bowling League

This song is everything, moody, sad, caring…. all the feelings.

39. Untitled - Rex Orange County

40. ⭐️ That’s Not How This Works ft. Dan + Shay - Charlie Puth

41. ⭐️ That's Not How This Works (Sabrina's Version) ft. Dan + Shay and Sabrina Carpenter - Charlie Puth

You can skip this one if you want, I just listened to both versions back to back every time, so it was hard to not include both.

42. fiimiy (fuck it, i miss you - Live Version) ft. Demi Lovato - Winnetka Bowling League

Sometimes you just need to let yourself say the words, even if you don't act on them.

43. ⭐️ Heartbreak Of The Century - Neck Deep

I feel like I'm finally getting back into Neck Deep, not that I really stopped I just didn't listen to their last album and it feels so good to be back.

44. ⭐️ BLOOD AND SUGAR - BOYS LIKE GIRLS

I love this song so much, it's hella groovy, but I'm sorry I can't ignore the fact that it's essentially "why doesn't she like me?" or "why won't she go out with me, we're all just human?" Or hey to be more forgiving, "why does she make me feel this strongly if we're only 'blood and sugar?'"

45. ⭐️ Daddy Issues… - Bury Mia

46. MakeDamnSure (Cover) - Hot Mulligan

47. 31 - Soul Glo

This was the first song that popped up when I was looking for songs the day I turned 31 and I will say it's not for the white faint of hearts. It goes hella hard though.

48. Fuck You - The Used

49. *Equip Sunglasses* - Hot Mulligan

50. ⭐️ ✊🏾 Roll The Dice - Fluorescents

I walked around singing that 30 second bit from TikTok for a good minute there. I was probably annoying. Although I do enjoy the song, I wonder if TikTok is just feeding me pizza. Do I really like these songs or do I only like the 30 seconds I've heard 100 times. (I'm gonna make a playlist of my music folder on TikTok and get back to you on that one.)

51. Forward - Linkin Park

Songs 51-54 are what I considered to be my safe music for a period this summer cause I was just so sad and nothing was making me happy for the longest time, so thank you Linkin Park and Disperser CA for being the "good guys."

52. Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park

Again happy 20th Anniversary to Meteora, thanks for being there when I needed you.

53. ✊🏾 Snake Eyes - Disperser CA

54. ⭐️ Easier To Run (Lofi Version) - Less Gravity/Linkin Park

55. ⭐️ They Don't Make Pills For A Heartbreak - HONESTAV

I heard it late one night and wanted to cry.

56. Monsters - James Blunt

57. ⭐️ Cut Deep (Live Version) - Matt Maeson

I think this was from my date of the Never Had To Leave Tour, which makes it extra special.

58. I Need You - Relient K

TMI, I thought I was breaking up with my sister (will not provide any further details) and through this song, among others and prayer, we're comforting me. I'm okay, but still working on healing wounds.

59. Brown Skin Girl - Blue Ivy, SAINt JHN, Beyoncé & Wizkid

It's here in the name of my self love journey.

SPOTIFY LINK!

[masschase]

casey, 14 for the ask meme? :0

*fanenbys over Lego asking me a question again*

14. Ingrained habits/forces of habit

I'm going to try to limit myself a little here. I'm not going to say like... swearing etc. bc that's a given really isn't it? 😂

One of her big ones is her sweeping overgeneralisations, especially her "I don't" claims. "I don't get nervous." "I don't cuddle." etc. etc. and the thing is she keeps these up even when it's blatantly obvious to those around her that it's not true. See also "I'm an asshole." which is a combination of excusing the shitty way she finds herself saying things but a bit of an internalised message too.

She also gets really rambly when she's awkward about something, usually relationships. She is a bit of an oversharer though, Kinzie will ask her a v. personal question to make her uncomfortable and she will just... answer it and make Kinzie uncomfortable. Happens with all the Saints but Kinzie especially.

She's quite a creature of habit by SRIV. Simulated bonding with Johnny every other Sunday. Nyte Blayde with Matt every Friday. Usually always gets Pierce to do her nails whenever she needs since he's the best at them. Post-GOOH they all have pretty strict training schedules too.

Plus, she can't cook for shit so it gets to the point where she just... turns up and expects Zinjai to be cooking her breakfast (bc he generally is). Just turns up when someone's in the middle of cooking dinner for everyone like 🥺 and chills and talks to them until they've finished. That would normally be Matt, Shaundi, Ben, occasionally Pierce and Asha. She gets a little one-to-one with her homies and gets served first. Win-win.

[purplesurveys]

1927

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? On the way home around lunch time earlier. I think I was singing to For Us, by V.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? How many people I've left a touching/helpful impact on, and what it is I did at that moment. I'd like to feel selfishly good for once.

It'd be that, or asking for the day I'd die and what would cause it, lol.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Well, choosing to remain alive has to be up there.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? When I put up a tent at the rooftop for me and my friends to watch 2021 Muster. It was my first BTS Anything™ as a fan wherein I really knew what was happening (as opposed to when they did 2021 Bangbangcon and I had no clue what was going on, I was just happy to be there LOL) so I prepared lots for it. I had a tent, snacks, a huge dinner, fairy lights...every time I want to think of happy memories, it's always the first image to come up.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? I'd resign from my job and spend the rest of the year with the pets and take myself to eat out everywhere I've ever wanted to eat at.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? Go to Wrestlemania, see BTS, own a Mini.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. She's got long, straight hair; has a beauty mark on her face; an inch or two taller than me. She's always been smart in math and science and ranked consistently high in our batch, something she's carried over to the present day as she took up architecture and got her license this year. She has an infinite load of patience, has impeccable style, and makes everyone feel like family around her.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? No, I didn't. I know everybody tried their best, but I didn't have the best childhood.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? Last Thursday when I openly teared up with Dev in the room. She's the only one I can cry in the presence of at work because she's the only one in the same position.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. Maybe my dad? We haven't done anything like that together ever, and I feel like such a moment would give rise to many meaningful conversations. Maybe I'll get to learn more stuff about him I never knew before.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? I feel like I could but it would depend on their personality. If we're on the same wavelength, humor- and thought process-wise, AND if I knew I'd never see them again, I might just open up. I'll be picky about who to overshare with, that's for sure.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? I never stay up that late with anyone lol. If I reach 3 AM awake, 100000000% I'd prefer to be alone by that point.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? "I'm sorry we couldn't spend more time together, but I am happy with all the moments we had and even happier that you were healthy throughout all of it." To my dad.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? I...just don't have any opinions on eye color altogether, haha.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. "Life's a soup and I'm a fork." People won't always like you and you won't fit in everywhere. Get over it and just live your own definition of what it means to be happy.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? No idea. If I wrote an autobiography, I'd probably leave the title as the last task because I feel like it'd depend on the content of the book.

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? Buy a penthouse in BGC - literally all I need. Then I'd give a little less than half to my parents, a little less than half to animal shelters all over the country; then whatever's left can be just to sustain me until I die. 50 billion pesos is very impossible to imagine.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? No. I am more at peace like this, yes.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. Eh sorry, this sounds like so much work to do right now lol.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? More pastel these days.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. They're fine as long as the tattoos aren't offensive. Piercings I don't have much of an opinion on.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? I wear it for a practical purpose, i.e. I only put on what helps my face look cleaner (bb cream, foundation, blush). I don't use makeup to like self-express or exercise my creativity/imagination or whatever.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. BTS came in clutch and saved my life at one of the last possible moments they could have. It's a big reason why I'll always feel a strong sense of staying loyal to them and fighting for them no matter what – they helped me want to start fighting for my own life.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

Paramore (2013, 2018): They're my favorite band and have seen them twice. Both concerts were a blast, although I enjoyed the second gig more because I was literally at the front row. It was the first concert for which I made the active decision not to pull out my phone, and to this day I don't regret the decision because what I have in exchange are very vivid memories of the show.

One Direction (2015): I was equal parts happy (by the fact alone that they were 1D) and bummed (because Zayn wasn't at the show; and a few days after, they announced he was leaving...), but this was a fun, very surreal experience. I still can't believe I can get to say I saw One Direction considering how short their stint turned out to be. This show was on concert grounds so the only thing that sucked about the whole thing was that how no one saw anything if you didn't have a VIP ticket – but my parents got the tix for me and my sister so I never complained about it.

Coldplay (2017): I wasn't a legitimate concertgoer because I watched from the top floor of a parking lot well outside of the concert grounds lmao, but it actually gave me a fantastic view of the show and the boys so no regrets. I went with my ex so this has some bitter associations, but I still love Coldplay and I don't regret going because I really really like a lot of their songs and seeing the attendees' bracelets (or was it lightsticks? idk) have coordinated lighting for all the songs was such a comforting sight.

Agust D (2023): Where do I even start? This is literally seeing BTS in the flesh; I could never complain. Ticket-selling was a bloodbath and my friends weren't even initially successful. Apart from Angela's lucky hand that got her ONE ticket, we had to essentially look everywhere and speak to anyone to get the three other tickets we needed. It was by an extreme stroke of luck that ALL my friends and I got to go.

Concert itself was great; Yoongi's condition hadn't been at its peak at the time and his voice had been raspy/struggling for like 40% of the setlist but he fought through it like a champ. Bangkok crowd sucked ass and I got confirmation that I wasn't just being a condescending older fan when he himself lightly called our crowd out during his post-concert live and asked the future audiences to be more noisy.

Se So Neon (2023): This was such a pleasant surprise! I never in my wildddest dreams expected them to have a stop here, so when I saw the announcement there was no hesitation to get a ticket. This was my first non-mainstream concert, and the show was held at a tent that could house only 1000 so I was super excited to see what the vibes were gonna be. The band knocked it out of the park that night – Hyunjin was oozing charisma, Soyoon's voice smooth as glass.

If anything, I only felt bad because I don't memorize their Korean lyrics and could only silently watch them while bobbing my head and occasionally swinging my arms to at least let them know I was having a blast. The rest of the crowd wasn't good with the lyrics too so it felt a bit too quiet at times.

Seventeen (2024): My first PH Sports Stadium concert! Baptism by fire. Holy shit. As if I didn't feel like enough of a sacrificial lamb just yet, our seat was also JUST TO THE RIGHT of the EXTREMELY HIGH control booth so we literally could not see the entire left side of stage for the whole show. The only thing missing was steam coming out of my ears from how piss the infrastructure for this show was. But the show itself was a lot of fun and the boys' energy was off the goddamn charts – they could really keep a crowd engaged!!! They also had their moving trolley thingy come up to our section so I got to wave and have a good look at each of them :) Next time though I'll aim for a different ticket if I can make it happen, because the view really was disappointing and felt a bit like a waste of money.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? I'm good, thanks.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? It doesn't have much of a personality to it, really. It just has a pen/knickknacks holder my sister got me; the rest of the space is for my laptop.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? Brush my teeth, wash my face, put on a face mask, then browse through either Reddit or YouTube until I feel tired.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? How often I've tried to beepbeepbeep, which was just happening in my room.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? Dark green. I haven't done it yet.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

A new job offer: So I can resign.

A better economy/job environment: So my dad doesn't have to work overseas to begin with and I can experience having a complete family all year long.

Longer lifespan for dogs: So I can have more time with all of ours, including Kimi.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? Trying a cannabis vape while already drunk.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? Eat someone's puke.

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? I'd go with the person. It still offers more variety than the one song.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. Yeah. It's scary for the most part but very relieving if you find out the other person feels the same. Like hitting the jackpot.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? I'd pass on the short hair.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? Brown sugar soy milk iced shaken espresso. Angela would know this; I get this all the time, whether we're together or not.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? My mental health and the road to my resignation.

[briamichellewrites]

46

Mike and Dave were at home when Mike received a text message from Chester. Bria had gone over to his place looking for drugs, but he refused to give her anything. She just left and was likely on her way home. He shared the message just as she was walking through the door. Did she have something to tell them? She looked around and noticed she was trapped. They watched as she came over to them with a look of shame on her face.

Mike asked her why she went to Chester’s. She said it was impulsive, but they told her that wasn’t a good excuse and had her sit down to talk. Dave wrapped his arms around her, but she didn’t react. They wondered if she was going through a depressive episode.

Bria confessed that she was feeling horrible, filled with guilt and shame for trying to get drugs. She explained that her decision to visit Chester was driven by desperation to forget about her assault, not just the trip to New York. They understood her feelings even though they were not happy about her actions. Since she was an adult, they couldn’t ground her, but they decided to keep a close eye on her to prevent her from trying to sneak out again.

Bradford asked her if she was high. The band observed her in the kitchen dancing to a song in her head. She confirmed she was not high, and they realized she might be having a mixed manic/depressive episode. They were still learning how her bipolar disorder affected her. Bradford found her alone in the cat room.

They decided to leave her alone and later found her in her room. They offered her the option to leave the house as long as she didn’t go looking for drugs and suggested going out.

Bria left the house, shouting that she was sneaking out. Mike kept the door open to hear when she left. She later texted him, informing him that she had been invited to the Chateau Marmont by Brad. He was relieved that they knew her whereabouts. Afterwards, they fed their pets and went on with their day.

Bria loved Brad. She was completely in love with him. Her biggest fear was him making fun of her. He could see something was bothering her, but she refused to talk about it in public. She didn’t want to spoil the evening. They made a plan to go back to her place after dinner. He tried to push it into the back of his mind. What if she was just going through another episode? He had to distract himself from thinking about it.

He waved down Matt when he saw him at the podium. A few minutes later, he did the same when his friend, Bradley Cooper, was looking for him. He introduced Matt and Bria. It was nice to meet them. He sat down at the only empty chair left. Matt asked her how she was. The last time he saw her, she was either engaged or married.

She couldn't remember which one it was. It had been a tough year. Did she get married? Yes, she did. She married her childhood friend, Jason. He remembered him as the guy who was going to school in Cambridge. Yes, he was at Harvard getting his graduate degree. They had a long-distance open marriage. He was allowed to see other guys and so was she. She joked about oversharing. They laughed before looking through the menu.

She looked for something that was gluten-free. Brad suddenly remembered her allergy. It wasn’t a big deal. She would find something to eat.

Dave hugged Mike, making him laugh. What was that? He just wanted to cheer him up. It worked. He distracted him from the stress going through his head. Bradford excused himself to the bathroom. They had to think of something to make that was vegan. Bradford would remind them of what the poor animals went through, just so they could eat it. It was a joke in the band.

They found ingredients for a vegan lentil soup. Lentils were vegetables, right? They asked him to come over to see what he could eat because they had no idea. He joined them in the pantry and picked out something they could make.

Bradford asked Mike, "What did you say to Chester after he told you about Bria?"

“I thanked him for letting me know. Why? What did he say?”

“He said you seemed angry and he hoped you would go easy on her.”

“I did. Both Dave and I did. We will talk to her more about it when she comes home. I don’t know if she and Brad are staying here tonight or going back to his place.”

She needed a stable influence. What about Jason? They should never have gotten married — at least not until he finished school. He didn’t understand or agree with their open marriage. What would happen when they fell in love with different people? They claimed they were never getting divorced, which was commendable, considering how easily people got divorced. However, he couldn’t see it working for them unless they lived in the same house with their partners. That might happen because she could not say no to people.

“Stranger things have happened. There are probably couples who are married, but their partners live in the same house. Let’s hope they don't bring children into it.”

“Jay does not want children. He never did. I can also see her choosing not to have children because of her bipolar. Her animals are like her children.”

"Please don't pressure them. Allow them to determine the nature of their marriage."

He nodded. “I will.”

Bria and Brad got home around eight. They had a great time eating and talking with Matt and Bradley. Bradley invited her to work on a project together. She was open to almost anything. Almost. They laughed and exchanged phone numbers before leaving. Mike and Dave were up in their room when they stopped to say hi.

How was dinner? It was awesome! She excitedly told them all about it. Her mood was a lot different from before she left. It was because of Brad. She was in love with him. It was obvious. Everything was about him.

They said good night before going into her room and closing the door. She sat on her bed, and he saw her expression change. He asked what she was thinking about. It didn’t matter what it was. They could work together and figure out how to fix it. She asked if it was okay to say she loved him. He took a moment to process that. A smile came to his face.

“That’s what you couldn’t tell me at the restaurant?”

“I didn’t know how you would react, and I didn’t want to ruin things. I’m in love with you! I thought you would laugh at me.”

“Bria, no. I would never laugh at you. I love you, too. Never be worried about my reaction. I want to know what you’re thinking and going through. I want to help you, and I want to be your boyfriend. I know it sounds super corny.”

“Hell, yeah, I’ll be your girlfriend!”

He laughed and kissed her.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

[stellaschue]

STELLA: Oh I was cute as a goddamn button, but apparently too much for most high school boys (and girls) to handle. Relationships and I have never really been BFFs, unfortunately.

STELLA: I wish. He’s like one flannel shirt away from being the wholesome, rugged love interest in a Hallmark Christmas movie, the boy next door who teaches the cynical city girl with the fast paced job the spirit of the holidays.

STELLA: ...I can’t help but notice you are, in fact, a cynical city girl with a fast paced job moving to a small town just in time for the holidays, 👀🫢😂 (It should also be noted that I fucking LOVE Hallmark Christmas movies, so these are high compliments and also 100% unserious.)

STELLA: Honesty noted and appreciated, ha. Full disclosure in kind, I really would hate to have to slash your tires for making him sad, it’s so much EFFORT, 😂 I really don't know if Chris does casual anyway -- he's less of an oversharer than Matty is, I've threatened to stuff a sock in Matt's mouth before, and probably will again.

MADELINE: it's like you know me so well in such a short amount of time 🥹 MADELINE: 😂😂 please, I'm sure you had your fair share of suitors, as well. just look in a mirror, babe MADELINE: oh so he's actually not real & just some fantasy man written in the will they won't they rom com that takes over TikTok for a brief but intense amount of time? good to know MADELINE: if that's the case...how? MADELINE: ugh, I mean, yes, of course. but--no, I'm just...probably not in the best place for anything besides casual right now. probably not even that, but, y'know, a girl has needs

[animehouse-moe]

Just a slightly random ramble about passion and animanga as my mind moves at a million miles an hour tonight. I wouldn't say I'm largely detached from Western media. I loved the latest Puss In Boots, I'm such a massive fan of Everything Everywhere All At Once, I absolutely can't wait for the second Dune movie, and I even loved Matt Reeve's The Batman. There's a lot, that I do really enjoy with Western media. But I've been so immersed in it for so long that the light feels like it's vanished. Maybe it hasn't, maybe I've grown out of it, maybe it's not what I'm interested in anymore.

That light now exists in animanga. Every novel or manga I read, all the anime that I watch, I feel that burning passion within. It makes me feel like I'm actually there, in that moment, experiencing it. I won't stretch the truth and say that it makes me feel like I'm alive, but it reminds me that I'm alive. That I can feel so strongly for something, that inside me there's a heart that beats and lungs that breath. It gets the gears turning in my head, my hands flipping page after page after page deep into the night.

It makes me reminisce. The passion being such a strong reminder that even though I can relive every episode and chapter in my head, I'm driven to experience it again, and again, and again. It almost curses me to relive the thrilling and robotic combat of Vivy, or the historic and emotional Heike Monogatari, or the existential and questioning nature of Sonny Boy, or the suave style of Cowboy Bebop, or the intense commentary of the internet and human connection in Serial Experiments Lain, or so on and so forth ad infinitum. It's like an intrusive thought. Once the idea pops into my head, I'm lead down a rabbit hole of dozens upon dozens of videos and episodes, of chapters and pages.

And it's... something. I might pretend to be good at words, but when they really matter there's never quite anything that lines up with them. A drive? A purpose within that tiny moment of my life? It's not a reason, and passion is what is derived from it. I'm left scratching my head at the zealous nature I pursue media in these moments exists as.

I don't really have a big question to pose at the end of this, or a lofty statement to close with. But that's beside the point. Whether it's wonderful or not doesn't matter to me, these moments are something that feels like me. And it makes me wonder, am I just a crazy person on the internet that doesn't mind oversharing? Is it something that's explained too poetically? Am I really just rambling for the sake of writing? I'm not sure.

[winterdollsblog]

I know I sang "sweet home Alabama" when Daemon gave Rhaenyra the necklace and noticed him undressing her with his eyes

But I didn't actually think I'd see him take her to a brothel and talk to his niece about fucking and pleasure

[talizorah]

god I am so glad I left the cr*tical role fandom

[fawning-moved]

Do you ever feel like you’ll never be good enough for anyone? -L

of course i do. i feel like i’m one huge disappointment. people make fun of me, people look down on me, and i feel like no one actually cares about me. i feel like all people see me as is their therapist. any time i try to talk to someone, they brush it off, because it’s matt and matt doesn’t have feelings right? his job is to be a big happy ball of sunshine that will always listen to my woes. it’s not like he has depression and anxiety. honestly, i get depressed, and when i do, i want to isolate myself, but i feel like no one understands that. they get upset. if my parents knew i was trans, my mom would cry and question her parenting ability, and my dad would hate me. i’d also lose half of my friends. i feel like no one will ever be able to love me as i am, because i’m a broken soul, and i have a bad personality. i feel like i’m toxic and i don’t deserve to be loved. i was bullied a lot from ages 6-13, but there’s still boys that taunt me, and it makes me constantly worry about being rejected by my peers. it hurts so much and i feel hopeless. but, i know there are other people that feel this way, who would accept me as the fuckup i am. in fact, recently i’ve met lots of wonderful people, that make me feel so special and loved. and even just last year, i thought that was impossible. there are people who feel rejected and unlovable just like we do. and i want to make sure those people know, that despite their flaws, they are good enough. so you, anon, are good enough. and so am i. you just haven’t met the right people, but someday you will. it sucks, but as long as you keep looking, you’ll find them. i don’t know why you feel this way, but whatever is bothering you sucks, and your brain is just being an asshole. you matter. you are enough. and i’m so fucking proud of you.

[usaigi]

Daniela & Matt Murdock

Lunar sys au character cards | Read all chapters on ao3

A/N: Takes place in the year that Marc was dormant and Jake was acting as host in NYC

“So what are your mommy issues?” Daniela leans in, resting her chin on her hand, fluttering her eyes. 

“That obvious?” Matt chuckles, giving her his signature striking Murdock smile. “Never knew her. Left before I was a year old.”

“Daddy issues too?”

“Yeah, he was killed. I was nine,” he says casually, taking another sip of his beer. 

“Damn. Double abandonment issues. Was that before or after you lost your vision?” 

“Bit after. Guess I really couldn’t see a world without my dad,” Daniela snorts in response, shaking her head at the terrible joke. “You know most people say they’re sorry right about now,” Matt adds on in a teasing tone. 

“Haven’t you been pitied enough? Orphan, blind, and catholic,” Daniela says, sliding in a little closer on the booth. Sitting side by side, with the only person who in the whole bar that matters.   

“So what about you? What are your mommy and daddy issues?”

“Yeah you know, my mom liked to drink. I don’t really remember my dad, always working or praying. Typically family crap, just swap the gender roles,” she shrugs. 

“I’m sor–” Matt's tone changes, the light teasing turns heavy, sincerely sympathizing for her homelife despite him coming from nothing. Nice guys are a buzzkill.   

“Don’t be. I don’t need your pity,” she answers bitterly, finishing off her drink. Despite her comment, Matt brings her in, guiding her head to his shoulder. He rests his head on her, and the booze on his breath gives her an uneasy sense of comfort and familiarity.   

“Are you angry?” Matt asks softly. 

“Yes.”

“At your parents?” 

“No. At myself. Well, parts of myself.” The bad parts of herself. The parts that won’t listen.

“I understand that.” No, he doesn’t. But still, he takes her hand, and feels nice between his fingers. Everything with Matt felt nice. The way the pulls her in for a kiss, how he holds her face, how he makes her head spin, how despite everything she knows she has all the control.  

“My friend told me I need to stop doing this,” he breaks off, still smiling.  

“Doing what?” Daniela asks innocently. 

“Oversharing and bonding over trauma with people I just met,” he laughs. 

“Technically, we’ve known each other for a couple of weeks. Not total strangers. But how come?”

“False perception of closeness. Make you think you have a deeper bond than in reality.” 

“That’s probably smart. You should keep that in mind for your next relationship. You in therapy?”

“I was after the accident. Now… does confession count?”

“Pssh no. You should look into it again. Find a healthy outlet for your anger instead of punching sandbags until your knuckles bleed.” Even with the bar's dim lighting, the bruises on his skin glow, radiating the rage he so clearly felt behind the charming smile.  

“Can’t really look into anything, can I? How about you?”

“Nah, that’s for white people,” she says, thinking back to the one someone told their therapist that their mom spanked them and he asked them if it was a cultural practice. They all collectively refused to say another word to them afterward. “Joking, mostly. I got medical trauma now, not doing that again. Anyways, wanna get out of here?”

“Lead the way.” So Daniela takes his hand. Even if it's just for the night, it almost doesn't feel like a lie. 

A/N

Daniela, joking about trauma: is this flirting?? 🤭

Matt, later: Hey I had a really good time last night Jake, oblivious to Matt/Dani thing, thinking they’re just pals: yeah, me too :D

[tiktaalic]

Why exactly do you see Dean as gay rather than bi? Absolutely feel free to completely ignore this ask if you don't want to go into it - it's just I've heard that interpretation a few times here on Tumblr and I'd genuinely be really interested to hear your thoughts behind it, and how you relate it to the way Dean canonically acts on the show

the pithy answer is projection! the unpithy answer is that out of 320 episodes over the span of 15 years, there is one (1) where his attraction comes off as genuine to me, and it took place fifteen years ago (cassie). i’m a lesbian, and when i was younger i had really genuine and meaningful friendships with men that i thought meant i was in love with them. they were very dear friends to me and i cared deeply about them, and they continue to be dear to me and people i care deeply about now that my head’s on straighter. so that’s that point. 

this is. going to be a long post so this is the preemptive warning to everyone who can’t read tumblr paragraphs to zip scroll.

lisa straight up reads as a lavender marriage to me. the focus for both lisa AND dean is him stepping in to be a father figure. their conversations about how much they care about each other center around how good he is with ben/how much he loves ben. there’s like, nothing where they’re smiling at each other and actually enjoying each other’s company. she’s a two night stand he’s seen 4 times in the last decade. she is dean putting on his brave face and keeping his promise. lisa’s post dean boyfriend matt is in one episode for about 3 minutes purely so he can die, but this is the scene.

so like. lisa is CAPABLE of interacting with a man she’s dating in a way that looks like they’re dating, versus. this.

so that’s that point. we’re at season six and we’ve already gone through every long term relationship with a woman dean’s been in. but let’s get really technical! let’s go through bad boys and after school special and amara to boot. 

in bad boys, robin is dean’s first real crush when he’s fifteen or so. first crush being when you’re 15 rather than in elementary or middle school? gay behavior (joke). let those among us who have not had a straight crush as a teen because they were the first person to be nice to us throw the first stone! and that’s what it boils down to for me. it’s the first time dean’s had ANY stability, and he relishes it. it would not surprise me if she’s his first real friend. she’s definitely his first real NORMAL friend. she asks him what HE likes, what HE wants to do with his life. and that’s totally new for dean! to have choices and to have his wants given consideration instead of just having expectation after expectation loaded onto him.

it does not surprise me that dean, who’s been taking a masterclass in repression and masculinity since the tender age of four, dates robin. it would not surprise me if he dated robin and was gay. of course he’s going to throw himself 100% into a relationship with a girl when he knows he’s at an age where boys are supposed to be skirt chasers, when he meets a girl and she’s NICE to him and KNOWS him like literally no one else does. all of this accompanied by the “i am a boy and have positive feelings for someone who’s a girl this MUST be romance this MUST be a crush” like. this is going to get into overshare territory for a moment i apologize but As A Lesbian when i was 15/16 i actively had crushes on girls and rational-ed them away as Girl Best Friends :) while telling everyone that the feelings i had for my boy best friends were crushes aksdkfkndf. repressed gay people are stupid and dean is MUCH more repressed than me aged 16. so. robin box ticked. 

after school special: jail for dabb jail for dabb for a thousand years i know. trust me i know. BUT. 17 year old dean who’s fully pulled on the leather jacket and womanizer persona, who doesn’t talk to anyone in his class and just hangs out in janitor closets making out with a girl who thinks his persona is hot. and when she tries to get close to him, to form an emotional connection, he panics and self sabotages. which. yes. peak straight man behavior. i’m not arguing that this little characterization bit is the pillar upon which gay dean rests, i’m saying if you’re inclined, you can nudge it into gay kid going “oh no this is too much responsibility i gotta get out of this” behavior. and i’m inclined!

amara: the amara stuff is so. hdnfdkf. it’s this primordial connection or whatever stronger than dean and amara both and yet dean’s still able to buck it a few times for [drumroll........] cas! + i don’t have any of the posts on hand but i DO agree with the whole vibe of. “i would fuck the embodiment of my destruction and horrors and failings because my self loathing is THAT strong”. also: gay af for the being of destruction with an immutable pull on you and towards you to say i will give you your greatest desire and then give you your mommy back and dip.

and then there’s the various one night stand stuff. i don’t have the comprehensive list on hand, but off the top of my head these are times when dean has sex scenes that are given huge focus:

when he comes back from hell and everyone’s gently asking if he’s fine and he’s like could a guy who wasn’t fine do THIS [tries to sleep with a bartender and or angel]. when bobby dies and dean’s hardcore mourning and hardcore drinking to the point where i think his drinking is acknowledged for one of a true handful of times in the series. just checked the transcript for that one. the morning after:

DEAN: Ugh.

SAM: You look like crap.

DEAN: Yeah, well, I feel worse than I look. I do recommend the Cobalt Room, by the way. Awesome night. Although I think I'm getting too old for this.

which. again. normal straight man commitmentphobe hitting his 30s and going hmmm.... perhaps real connections would be nice? but that doesn’t contradict gay dean at all, it slots in. also this is season 7. season 7 and he’s too old for this. top of my head i can think of two more similar instances: s11 baby when he groans and goes “mistakes were made”, s13 advanced thanatology when cas is dead and he’s FULL ON grieving so hard that sam takes him to a strip club. and again. he over does it. again he throws himself too hard to the coping vices and when he wakes up he’s tired and sore and has a headache. the other time he gets laid is endverse, which uh. is basically dean in 24/7 mourn drink sleep with someone mode. there are like... a handful of times he has sex For Fun, enough to count on one hand. the rest are all real easy to slap the label PERFORMANCE or COPING WITH MOURNING on.

obviously all of these points go either way - you could absolutely interpret them as legit attraction to women. you can interpret them as legit attraction to women while these instances are still coping/performance. but for me personally they all end up on the gay column instead of the bi column. um. end manifesto i think.

[bxtchforstyles]

Before it begins

Harry Styles x Evangelina Cooper

(part of the all about love series)

The journey of making a documentary starring famous singer, Harry Styles, while also learning a little bit about his secret girlfriend, Evangelina Cooper.

Warning: none

Word count: ~1.3k

gif not mine.

The small studio room was warm. It was also dark, only being lit by two large studio lights that illuminated the bright blue tufted sofa.

This was it. Harry thinks, the moment that all of the filming and recording over the last year and a half had been built up to. And it wasn't even done yet.

Ever since Harry's stadium tour had ended, he had been slowly working out the kinks of a new album, and to go along with that, he wanted a documentary that showed the process.

This is going to be amazing.

The album was a little less than halfway done at this point, and if everything goes according to plan, it will hopefully come out in November of 2019, the documentary following shortly after.

Hopefully.

Today though, was the first day that Harry was scheduled to begin recording the sit down and voiceover portions of the film.

He sighs as he sits down on the couch in front of the large camera, there weren't many other people in the room since it was so small, but he was still somehow very nervous.

This would be the first time that the world would be seeing Harry since he went on a hiatus after the end of his first tour.

"Harry, we are going to start by recording the monologue for the very beginning, so the first thing the people will hear when they begin watching, okay?" One of the producers, Matt, raised his eyes questioningly at the curly haired boy, making him gulp before nodding.

He looked around the room, everyone's eyes were on him, awaiting the beginning of the recording. Meanwhile, Harry had no idea what to expect as he glanced up at all the fancy equipment.

The camera starts rolling, before another one of the producers, Sean, holding the clapperboard out in front of the lens before speaking, "Harry Styles Documentary, opening scene, take one."

Sean then started asking Harry the basic questions that you hear at the beginning of every documentary about a celebrity.

'How was your childhood?'

'When did you start singing?'

'Who's been one of your biggest inspirations?'

It was honestly getting quite boring for Harry, because he knew that his fans didn't care about the questions that they already knew the answers to. He had already said them time and time again in almost every interview he had ever gone to.

That's when he said, "How 'bout we start with something more unique?"

The three producers looked around at each other from where they were sitting, then Matt shrugged and looked back up towards him. "It's your documentary, man. You can do whatever you want"

"Great," Harry relaxed at the fact that he had now had creative control. "Can you start it over?"

Sean cut the cameras, before starting them again. At the same time, Harry took a deep breath, slouching back into the couch.

"It's scary to think about the things everyone else thinks of you when you aren't there." His voice was soft, but it filled the room. "I mean, after the tour I deleted everything. Instagram, Twitter."

"Nobody physically saw me, for over a year." The man paused for a moment, "And I started to think that was a good thing,"

"That's when I started writing Fine Line. Even though I didn't know quite what I was writing about." Words just started spewing as he continued, "But what I did know was that I wanted to be honest, and that I wanted this album to be a lot more open and a lot more interpretive than my last one, but I didn't know what that meant exactly."

"I think that I knew that I was going to be writing a lot more of my feelings, but at the same time, I didn't want them to be portrayed in the wrong way. But that's besides the point." He shook his head, trying to keep himself from getting too off topic, "My main goal with this album was to capture all of the feelings that I had been bottling up and hiding away ever since the first album came out."

That's when Matt interjected, asking Harry, "What do you think made you feel the need to bottle everything up?"

He sighed again, crossing one of his legs over the other before speaking again, "From the age of sixteen when I began One Direction, everyone told me not to overshare. Management, my parents, everyone."

"And then at one point, probably when I was around eighteen or nineteen, I felt like everyone knew everything about me." He stopped for a moment, clearing his throat. "Yeah, I did not like that."

"So I began not just not oversharing, but not sharing anything at all. I basically closed myself off to everyone."

"What made you realize that you needed to finally let it all go?"

"This album."

The room fell silent for a moment, but the camera kept rolling. Harry looked away from the lens, focusing his gaze on one of his plaques on the wall. He stayed like that for a few minutes, the only sound being heard was the soft hum of the air conditioner.

"Why don't you tell us about where you wrote the majority of the album?" Sean was trying to change the topic.

"London, actually." It was known by anyone who watched Harry's 'Behind the Album' for his first set of music that he spent most of his time in Jamaica while writing, and to hear that he stayed so close to home while writing an album the second time around was pretty surprising.

"Why?"

Harry gave a small grin, only saying one word. "Her."

Of course the whole production team had already met the special lady that the singer was talking about.

He was talking about his girlfriend, Evangelina Copper.

They had been together for almost a year now. And it was safe to say that he was a bit more than in love with her.

She was absolutely perfect for him, is what most of Harry's closest friends would say. She was the type of girl who had just enough normalcy, and just enough ambition to date someone like Harry.

She was perfect, especially to Harry.

"Why don't you tell us about her?" Matt suggests, but Harry shakes his head with a light smile.

Everyone in the room gave him a questioning look, knowing that on a normal basis, Harry loved to brag about his girlfriend.

All he responded with though, was, "You'll get to know all about her later." Mostly talking to the fans who would be watching.

Matt nods before looking at the viewfinder, seeing that they had gathered a pretty good amount of footage. "Okay, one last question."

Harry placed his elbows on his knees, before resting his head in his hands.

"What is one thing that you want people to take away from this documentary."

He thought about it for a moment, wanting to think of a suitable answer. "That it isn't just a film about my life, or about song writing."

"This is about love, and learning to love yourself as well as others." His words halted for a moment before he continued, "I want people to see that writing music isn't just about lyrics, It's built off of something, and for me, that was finding love."

"It's all about love?" Matt reiterates.

"It's all about love."

[joellesolo]

So, okay, I’ve been on this site for over eleven years now (!!) and today I was randomly thinking about some of my tumblr crushes and realized in the prime of my tumblring, ten eleven years ago, every single thought I had was made into a post. Every single one of them. I was so bad with oversharing. In that vein, here’s some thoughts on my tumblr crushes (in no order) and what happened with them:

1. This one was a very, very minor crush. It started, then I could sense sizzling between him and my BFF and shut it down. He is only mentioned because he comes up during crush #2. He also turned out to be a douchebag; he would send me hate mail on anon. I had an IP tracker and was like, what the fuck, and he’d deny it, until he and my bff started dating and he admitted to her that he’d do it when he was drunk. (Which was a lie, because, who’s drunk at two pm? Don’t @ me with time zones, he was on the west coast too. Happened all the time.)

2. This one was a big crush, like, oh wow. For several years. And I always kinda thought there was something reciprocated because we talked a lot, about everything from Star Wars to GoT to pets and, yeah, years of talking. He’s actually one of the two people I’ve ever met off of tumblr. So, we’re sitting there at Starbucks, and I’m freaking out because I’m sitting with a tumblr crush (!!!) and it happens to be the same day my bff flew out to see crush #1 for the first time and I brought that up. And he gets really sad, and goes, yeah I know, I’ve had a crush on her for forever. And then I shrivel up and die inside because I legit thought he might’ve liked me as more than a friend, but just laugh it off and go ha, ha, funny, because I used to crush on #1! and then we changed topics and that was the end of that crush. 

3. This guy was probably like... most serious? In the sense of how much I liked him. (Keep in mind, I was still very much in love with Michael throughout all of these crushes but thought that wasn’t reciprocated and was looking elsewhere.) He actually followed me for the longest time and send me messages during tumblr games and would compliment my pictures and I’d interact with him but at the time I had like, 500 followers (not a bunch, I know, but it was for me) and I didn’t follow every single person who followed me and by this point I was sure anyone who would even think of liking me must be a creeper in some way. (Because, I had several regular creepers sending me anons and stuff, legit creepers.) But one day I see this amazing cosplay of a really, really cute guy dressed up as the Eleventh Doctor in Ten’s clothes in handcuffs (you know the scene, after Matt Smith regenerates) and I was like, uh, shit, that guy is CUTE, and I hit reblog so fast!! And, uh, then this follower, crush #3 reblogs it from me saying, hey that’s me and you guys, I died. AGAIN. (I die a lot.) It was super embarrassing because I had been writing him off as a weirdo and he... was definitely not. And, if he was, he was the cutest weirdo I had seen in like a long time (I know, call me shallow). After I got over my embarrassment, I followed him back, and it started a couple years of talking back and forth and flirting (I think? Maybe? We’ve established I’m not great at seeing it) and he only lived a few hours away and one night I got drunk with my mom and her boyfriend who was a pilot and he was like, hey, I’ll fly you to where #3 lives, seriously. Because I had been going on and on about this crush for so long and they probably were relieved I was over Michael (was trying to anyway) and yeah, I was like, shit, let’s go! Then I ended up in the hospital and then things got really bad and although #3 and I would message, I never took up the offer to fly and visit him because my health was so bad.  But today, for some reason, I was daydreaming while curling my hair and it’s like... what if I didn’t go to the hospital that night? What if I had met this guy, and maybe things worked out, or maybe they didn’t but at least we would have tried? How different would my life be?

I love my life, I love Michael, I love my girls, SO MUCH. (Not a fan of my health and body but hey, working on it.) But, who knows? It was just a really weird thought, and, in the spirit of Joelle eleven years ago, this is what I would’ve done. Except I would’ve come up with code names *cough Matt Smith cough* and it would’ve been even longer.

But, for all I know, everyone is happy. I follow #2 on IG and he’s married with dogs which is amazing, I am SO happy for him, #3 is also on IG and... he exercises? He doesn’t really share, like, ever. I don’t even know if he’s still on it tbh and I think it’d be weird if I went looking, ha. And... honestly, don’t give a shit about #1, doesn’t deserve to be on this list except for the weird meeting thing with #2. 

So, there’s my ode to my tumblr crushes, some guys I liked when I was trying (and failing) to get over Michael. And, that’s longer than I thought it was going to be, my bad. I don’t think any of them still use tumblr but if you’re #2 or #3 and you see this, hey, hope things are good for you, isn’t life wild?!