#MYSELF. and on HARD at that. very glad I did a ton of shit at the coliseum cause that helped train up for the Amons a Lot.

[gracieheartspedro]

Cool About It

joel miller x fem! reader

Description: you've only patrolled with him a couple times, which made you kind of hate him. but after a night of subtle flirting at the tipsy bison, tons of alcohol, shooting pool, and making fun of some guy's tattoos, you realize you're really into joel. after you get him, you realize maybe you shouldn't want him.

Part 1/3

PART TWO IS HERE

Word count: 5.3k

Warnings: MINORS DNI! this is 18+, post!outbreak joel, drinking, playing pool(?), possible age gap (not specified really), very smutty, unprotected p in v, fingering, oral (f receiving), overstimulation, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, joel is a menace a bit, ellie is also a little shit haha

hi lovers, how's it going? this is going to be a three-parter, inspired by Boygenius' song "Cool About It". it's gonna be smutty in all three parts so be ready (: please reach out if you have any requests or just wanna talk! I'm friendly I promise lmao

Met you at the dive bar to go shoot some pool

And make fun of the cowboys with the neck tattoos

Ask you easy questions about work and school

I'm trying to be cool about it

Feelin' like an absolute fool about it

Wishin' you were kind enough to be cruel about it

Tellin' myself I can always do without it

Knowin' that it probably isn't true

You keep your head held high while you walk into the Tipsy Bison, the only bar in Jackson. You were not familiar with the walls of the establishment, but the plan was to get out of your comfort zone. You were good at being a social outcast, and Maria, the only friend you had here, told you to try to break out of your shell. 

So here you are, at a bar. 

Immediately you recognize a couple of familiar faces, including the Millers. 

Tommy and Joel were the patrol leaders for Jackson. You always felt comfortable around Tommy. He was more laid back and funny. On the couple of patrols you did with him, he always made sure the time went by quicker. While serious in times that are pressing, he brought light to darker situations. Maria, his wife, was the first person to introduce you to life in Jackson. She got you set up in a house by yourself and had you start patrolling when she realized you were an excellent shot. She was kind, always making sure you were looking out for yourself and invited you to family dinners sometimes.

Joel was different. 

Very quiet and deadly serious when he was speaking. He made you feel insecure about your abilities, always double and triple checking things behind you. You couldn’t bring your own horse out of the stable without him checking your pack and ensuring you packed extra bullets. 

“You never know what’s out there, girl,” He would tell you. 

You find an empty seat at the bar. Only one seat away from Joel. 

The bartender approaches you, asking what you’d like. You gesture towards Maria.

“Whatever she’s havin’.” 

Maria finally takes notice from beside Tommy and waves at you with a huge smile plastered on her face. It warmed your cold little heart. 

“Hey pretty lady,” She hops out of her chair to give you a half hug, “Glad you are doing this.”

Tommy was looking at you from beside Joel, a smirk playing on his face.

Joel stared forward with no emotion, not even daring to glance your direction.

“How’s it goin’?” Tommy asks, scooting his chair back to begin his way over to you, taking a spot next to Maria. 

You nod, “It’s going.”

“You were on that patrol with the raiders a couple days ago, right?”

He was referring to two days ago when a couple of shitty raiders took down your partner’s horse and almost shot you through the back. You guys got the upper hand, of course. You never went without packing two guns, so you had quickly slid off your horse to find cover behind a downed tree and used a hunting rifle to take two headshots. Your partner wasn’t so lucky. He was an older man and he fell hard when his horse went down. You had to race back to Jackson getting him into the infirmary as quickly as you could. Turns out he broke his arm and a couple of ribs. He would be off patrols for awhile. 

“Sure was,” You reply, “Luckily Eugene got out with just a broken arm. I was happy to be there for him.”

Before Tommy could reply to you, Joel quips up. 

“He told me you got both of the guys between the eyes,” He mumbles, “That true?”

You shake my head positively. You didn’t even want to speak to him in fear that you’d say the wrong thing. He would overanalyze you at the drop of a hat. 

“That’s impressive,” Tommy remarks, “Glad you got out of it unscathed.”

“My girl here is a badass,” Maria pats your shoulder, “Glad you are doing better. I know you were a rattled a bit.”

You take a sip of my drink, noting the intense burn, “Yeah, me too.”

You guys make more small talk, mainly about some recent patrols and what you found. You try to act interested, but the truth was you wanted to go home and read. Your mind was better occupied with made up stories than the stories that were playing out before you in real life. 

“I think we should get home to Ian,” Maria says to Tommy, referring to their newer son. He was about five months now, very cute, and chunky. He resembled your nephew before the world stole him and his mother from you. So you always refused to hold Ian, knowing it would send you into a spiral as soon as his little fingers found yours. Maria understood, telling you she knew exactly how you felt. She’s felt loss like that before, too.

“Ellie probably wants to be relieved of her cousin duties,” Joel grumbles from beside Tommy, “Poor girl doesn’t know what she agreed to.”

“Ian’s sleepin’,” Maria says putting on her coat, “She is probably bored.”

“Tell her to head home when you see her,” Joel comments. 

You have met Joel’s girl more than once. She was kind of stand-offish, intially. Now that you’ve met her a couple times, she was more chatty and goofy. She was a spitfire towards Tommy, which always made you laugh. 

From what you understood, Joel had a daughter before the outbreak. Tommy and Maria keep her name on a little memorial above their fireplace, with Maria’s son’s name scribbled beside hers. You didn’t know the backstory behind Ellie, but you realized the last time you were around all of them, she doesn’t call him dad. Just Joel or old man. Maybe she adopted?

Maria pulls you out of your thoughts, nudging you a bit. 

“Stay awhile, have another drink.”

You nod giving her a gentle smile, “I will. Get home safe.”

“See you around, girl,” Tommy says, giving you a half hug. You turn back to face the bar, noticing Joel’s still sipping on his whiskey. 

You two sit in awkward silence when they leave, not saying much to one another. You drink your second round quickly, calling over the bartender for another one. Joel says he wants the same. Once you get your pours, he finally decides to talk again.

“You still with that one guy?”

You look at him curiously, not sure who he’s talking about. You rack your brain trying to figure out who he’s referring to and then it hits you. 

“Kendrick? Oh no, he’s not anything,” You respond. 

Kendrick was one of your patrol partners. You two hooked up once and realized it was too weird. He was younger than you, which didn’t mean much. But that was a huge factor in his performance. He wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t know what foreplay was, which meant the sex was dry and not pleasurable in the slightest. 

“It seemed like something the other day,” Joel notes, “Wouldn’t stop staring at you at the town meeting.”

You could not help but notice the slight venom in his tone. 

“Interesting you’re taking notice to other guys who look at me. You jealous, Miller?”

He turns to you finally, his eyes a bit glassy. The whiskey was making him bold, you could tell. 

“Just observant,” He remarks, “He doesn’t seem like your type.”

“Oh, now you know my type?”

He shakes his head at your response, “I imagine you like them a bit older than him.”

Maybe you were overanalyzing the situation, but it seemed to you that Joel Miller was flirting with you. You felt like he was suggesting you were into him. 

Truth be told, you did like them older. You liked a rugged man who was a bit of a mystery. You also liked assholes. All things Joel Miller was. So maybe you were into him.

You lean in to speak to him quietly, “Are you trying to suggest something?”

“Not at all,” He murmurs, “Just answering your question. Am I wrong?”

You purse your lips, “Not wrong.”

Another awkward silence. 

“Wanna play some pool?”

You furrow your eyebrows, not knowing how to respond. You think his goal was to change the subject and avoid more silence. So you just nod, hopping off your barstool. The two of you make your way through some occupied tables to the one empty pool tables. You grab a stick while Joel starts to corral all the balls and set them in place.

You’ve played pool before, but you were never good. Your ex found a pool table once while you two were traveling and he spent hours teaching you how to play. It led to a screaming match. You decided after that, it just wasn’t for you. 

Joel was patient, watching you line up the white ball and hit it with hardly any force, not breaking up any of the balls. You just shake your head in disappointment. 

“You ever play?”

“Yeah, I just suck.”

“Fair enough,” He replies, taking his shot. You guys go back and forth. You getting no balls in the pockets, him getting all the balls in the pockets. 

You ask him about patrols he’s been on recently, trying to make light conversation. You really just wanted to see if your conversation would lead back to where it started. 

It didn’t. 

Instead you two got more rounds of drinks and played more pool. He became more chatty, standing behind you every time you tried to take a shot, giving you advice here and there. Once you stood straight up after finally getting a ball in a pocket, he leaned in a bit. 

“You see that guy over there?”

He gestured towards an older gentleman at one of the far tables. He seemed like the type to have a Confederate flag hanging outside his house. He also seemed like the type to call a woman a slur if they turned down his advances. Maybe you are just a bitch and assuming all of this. Or your assumptions about a man were right, per usual. 

You turn to Joel, glancing up at him. He was close, his face centimeters away. 

“Mhm?”

“He’s got all those tattoos,” He looks towards the man again, “The one on his neck is a skull with one of those Native headdresses. Looks fuckin’ dumb.”

The way he says it sends you into a fit of giggles. He starts to laugh, too. It was the first time you saw him genuinely smile and damn did it look beautiful on him. His eyes crinkled a bit, his shoulders falling in a very relaxed way. 

You finish up your round of pool and decide it’s time for the both of you to retire back to your houses. Conveniently, your house was right off Rancher Street just like his. You grab your coat off the one barstool, watching Joel put on his. 

“We are going the same way, do you mind walkin’ with me?”

“No problem.”

-

You two walked side by side, your steps almost in sync. It was much darker now, the sun set hours ago. You felt like you went through a time jump. You didn’t feel like you spent tons of time at the Tipsy Bison. 

Joel’s house is before yours on the street, so when you arrive in front of his steps, he stops completely.

“Here’s me,” Joel mutters, “You comin’ in?”

“Should I?” You question, stupidly.

“Well I invited you, so yeah,” He suggests, “You should.”

He walks in front of you, reaching for his front door. His house was comfy and warm. Looking around, you could tell he kept it well maintained. It was clean, only a couple dust bunnies lined the hallway baseboards. He had pictures on the walls and blankets littering the couch.

“I ain’t done this in awhile,” He says, sliding his boots off at the front door. You follow suit, not really taking in the words he said. He stares at you carefully, waiting for a response.

“I’m sorry, what exactly?”

He approaches you slowly, his demeanor shifting. He looks down at you, his stature a lot bigger than most of the men you’ve been with, you note. He was broad and brilliantly tanned. His dark chocolate hair was speckled with grays. He had some fine lines on his face, especially where he furrowed his eyebrows 24/7. 

“Brought a girl home.”

His brown eyes grow ever darker, his arm enveloping you for a moment. You don’t pull away, letting him bring your body closer to his. You feel butterflies in the pit of your stomach, something you’ve not felt with a man in years.

“Feelin’ a bit rusty?” You suggest, your hands resting on his chest.

“Don’t know about that,” He mutters, “Do know I’ve been thinkin’ about this for a while.”

His comment takes you back, completely sobering you up. The warmth from the alcohol subsides and you blink at him for a minute.

“What do you mean, a while?”

His face centimeters away from yours, again. You instinctively wrap your arms around his neck, having to get on your tiptoes to do so. 

“Meanin’ every time ’m around you, I think of how amazing your ass looks in those jeans.”

Your heart skips a beat. 

“You’re only now telling me this, Joel?” You ask, playing up that you were annoyed. You were kind of, because what the fuck, you could’ve had him sooner?

“Didn’t think a pretty young thing like you would want me,” He says, “Now I know better.”

He leans down, his lips hardly touching yours. You assume he’s waiting for your move, so you give in first, capturing his lips against yours. It was gentle at first, until he takes notice to how you’re pulling him down further.

He deepens the kiss, pressing your back against one of the walls nearby. His lips were soft, his mustache tickling you a bit. He adds tongue seamlessly, feverishly grabbing you everywhere. Your hips, lower back, your butt. 

I can’t believe I’m making out with Joel right now. 

Your brain stops for a moment when you realize one thing you never thought about before. Where’s Ellie?

It brings you out of the kiss. You pull away slowly, trying not to alarm him too much.

“Is Ellie home?” You mutter, your eyes fluttering open to meet his. 

He looks to the side, glancing out the back window. 

“Probably, but she stays in the garage out back. She has uhm,” He gestures towards the backyard, “Has a whole set up in there. She never comes in here, don’t worry.”

It reassures you enough to bring him back into the kiss. His hands return to your waist, pulling you closer. You couldn’t help but grip his arms, feeling his muscles through his long sleeve. 

“Bring me to bed, Miller,” You moan between kisses, “Need you now.”

He doesn’t say anything before he leans down, hiking your legs up around his waist. He carries you like you’re a light little feather. You use this time to attach your lips to his neck, giving him soft kisses up to his earlobe. 

Joel may be a bit older than you, but he carried you up the stairs like no other 50-something-guy could. He didn’t even fumble, his steps heavy and calculated. Once you two get to the landing, he readjusts you, his hands now holding you up by your ass. 

“Let’s get you out of these clothes,” He murmurs in your ear, walking you into his bedroom. It smells like fresh air, which throws you off a bit. You notice the one window in the corner is cracked slightly, letting in the springtime air. 

He tosses you on his made up bed, making you a bounce a bit. He’s standing over you looking a bit dishelved, his eyes dark with desire. 

He unbuttons his shirt, shaking it off his shoulders. You watch the piece of fabric fall away from him. His upper body is toned, some areas of his stomach and shoulders are littered with scars. The moonlight highlights them, but honestly, they made him hotter. He looked more dangerous, more unattainable for a girl like you. 

“You just gonna gawk?” He teases, leaning down to let his lips meet yours again. In between kisses, he tugs down your pants, leaving you just in your underwear and top. He throws your pants across the room, his hands trailing up your bare thighs. 

“Let me get my top off,” You say pulling away from his eager lips. He sits back on his knees, watching you slowly peel off your top and undershirt. The undershirt has a built in bra that hardly keeps your boobs supported, but it was easier than wearing the uncomfortable bras you usually wore. You throw both shirts across the room before you lean back on your elbows again. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” He says, his hands reaching out to touch you. He finds your collarbones first, before letting one hand trace the swell of your breasts. He was taking his time with you. 

“You just gonna gawk?”

He smiles. 

“I am gonna ruin you, girl,” He spits. You stare at him with your best doe eyes, trying to see what kind of rise you could get out of him. 

He grabs one of your boobs, before pushing you all the way on your back. His lips trace all over your body before ghosting right above where your underwear sit on your lower tummy. 

“Joel-” You begin, until he starts tracing your slit with his fingers, right over your panties. 

“Hm?” He chuckles, his soft touches making you writhe under him, “What, sweetheart?”

“Need you-” You choke out, “Please.”

He chuckles darkly, “Love to see you beg.”

You knew he was going to be dominant, but you didn’t expect him to be so candid. He seemed so quiet and steadfast in day to day life, so when you see him like this, you knew you were fucked. He was the type to talk you through the whole experience, something you’d never had with another man. Everyone you had slept with was so vanilla. No one was like the guys in the novels you read. Dominant, hungry for more, and vocal. 

“Let’s take these off,” He says wrapping his finger around the band of your underwear. You were so giddy now, you lift your ass a bit so he could get them off you. When you do that, your bare pussy gets so close him that you could feel his breath on your mound slightly. 

“You ever been eaten out before, girl?”

You shake your head, “Yes, but I didn’t really enjoy it.”

“Just let me know when you’re about to cum, baby,” Baby, “I know you will.”

You loved how cocky he was. It made the anticipation almost too overwhelming.

He leans down, his tongue flattening over your slit. You watch him close his eyes and instantly get into devouring you. He flicks his tongue up and down, eventually pressing his lips around your mound. You lose all ability to speak, so when he pulls away, you groan in displeasure. 

He says nothing, just put his middle finger and ring finger into his mouth, covering them in his saliva. He looks up at you, those fingers beginning to trace you up and down. 

“You-” Is all you can say before he’s sinking his fingers inside. He reattaches his lips to your clit, sucking as he fucks you with his digits. The wet squelching from the action sends your head into orbit. You cannot believe how good it feels because every other sexual encounter you had the guy would go in dry, maybe giving you kitten licks, and call it eating you out. But not Joel. Joel knew a woman’s anatomy. He knew exactly how to treat it. 

You just moan out his name, letting his actions take you to that familiar heat build up in your tummy. Usually you had to get there yourself. You throw your head back into his pillows, your eyes crushing shut as you take in the feeling. 

“Hey,” You hear Joel growl, “Eyes on me, or I stop.”

Your eyes fly open, watching him return to sucking your clit. As you stare down, you notice him adding another finger into the mix. The pressure felt so good, your walls feeling everything he was giving you. 

“Can I please,” You are about to let go, but you remember you were supposed to tell him, “Cum?”

You can’t even form sentences. 

He pulls away.

“Since you asked nicely,” His lips are wet with your slick, “Cum.”

The magic word that sends you into pure bliss. Your body quakes while he still fucks you with his fingers. You can only chant his name, begging him not to stop. 

He removes his fingers, smiling at your post orgasm face. You blush, suddenly becoming extremely self aware. You had no reason to be timid or shy now, being splayed out like you are in front of Joel. 

He stands tall over you, making you feel so small in his big bed.

“That was so good baby, but I ain’t done with you,” He pulls you by your legs to the edge of the bed, “Need that perfect pussy wrapped around my cock.”

“Jesus fuck,” You moan, still sensitive from what he just did to you. 

He groans, “Name is Joel. No Jesus here.”

He just had to give into the dad jokes. You slap your forehead in disappointment, making him grin a bit. 

“Got you all nice and stretched, now.”

You realize he hasn’t even taken off his pants in that moment, because he pulls down his tented pants to reveal himself to you. He was bigger than you’ve ever had, which sent you gawking again. He pumps himself, watching your widened eyes. 

“You’re too easy to read, girl,” He mutters, “I’ll inch it in, let you get adjusted nicely.”

You lean forward a bit, back onto your elbows, “You’re gonna fucking split me in half.”

He runs his dick between your wet core, which sends shockwaves up your body. 

“Like I said,” He licks his lips, “I got you nice and stretched.”

Him repeating it made you smirk devilishly. He continued to run his cock up and down your wetness, getting ready to plunge into you. 

When he stops right in front of your hole, he stares into your eyes like he’s trying to read your mind. 

“Fuck me, Joel Miller.”

He sinks into you, inch by inch. You groan in pleasure. The stretch is nothing like his fingers, it’s even better. 

He’s taking his time, pulling back a bit before pushing back into you. It’s slow, gradual. After three pumps, he leans down to catch your lips. He continues to grind into you, the mixture so intoxicating. You moan into the kiss, your mouth opening up for his tongue to slip in. He tasted like you, which was something you never really tasted before. 

“Your pussy was made for me,” He moans, “Fuckin’ hell.”

He sits back, bringing the pace up a bit, his balls slapping into you now. The sounds were borderline pornographic. The panting, the wetness, the slapping. 

“You’re takin’ me so well,” He grunts, “I want to hear you.”

You cry out as he speeds up, “Please, d-don’t stop.”

And he doesn’t. He keeps the pace the same as he fondles your boobs. He pinches your perked up nipples, clenching his teeth. You can tell he’s getting close, but instead of chasing that high, he stops. 

He manhandles you, pulling you up like he did when he carried you up the stairs. He somehow keeps his dick inside you as he finds a seat on the bed. He’s holding you above him, completely switching positions. 

“Want you to ride me,” He says, “Need to see those beautiful tits bouncin’.”

You take up the challenge. You rest on your knees first. You circle your hips, dragging your clit across his lower tummy. You never knew you could feel so full before, especially in this position. 

He just stared at you in awe, playing with your tits as you grind down on him. 

You take one of his hands in your own, placing it right below your belly button. 

“I feel you right here, Joel,” You moan, “Fillin’ me up so good.”

You knew he wanted to cum right there because his dicks twitches inside you. 

“You are one dirty girl,” He growls, “You’re lucky I’m even letting you cum again, talkin’ like that.”

You plant your feet on the bed, finding all your strength to start bouncing on him. He steadies you, bringing his hips up to meet yours. This angle hits different, especially when Joel’s thumb finds your clit again. You couldn’t help yourself, chasing that same high you felt before when his face was between your thighs. 

You look down at him with hooded lids, “I’m gonna cum again.”

“Yes you are,” He smirks, “Cum all over me baby, I feel you.”

Your release hits you, making you fall to your knees again. Your hips girate, the spasming around Joel’s cock sending him into a moaning mess. He lets your settle for a moment before lifting you back up. His dicks slides out, which causes him to hiss and you to groan. Instead of laying you face up, he throws you face down into the pillows. 

“My turn,” He says, dipping his cock back into you. As soon as it happens, you realize you weren’t done. That same sensitivity was back, but this time you felt the burning pick back up even quicker. He’s settling into a brutal pace, grabbing both your ass cheeks and spreading them apart. You turn your head, trying to get a view of him. 

He was watching himself plunge into you, over and over again. It had to be the hottest thing you’ve ever seen. He’s dripping in sweat, his body glistening, clenching his teeth at the sight of your bodies meeting. 

“‘m bout to cum,” He moans, “Where do you want it?”

“Fuck it into me, Joel.”

The words slips out so quickly. The tipping point hit you both at the same time, the spasming hitting you all over again. You scream into the pillows, biting into them trying not to be too loud. He releases himself into you, stilling his movements. 

He doesn’t say anything when he pulls out, you both just breathe out loudly. You felt so empty without him. 

You had never cum so much in one night before. 

Joel Miller made you cum three times. 

Without any help. 

You hear his footsteps trail to his attached bathroom, hearing some water run from the faucet. You return to laying on your back, unsure if you could trust your legs to stand. Joel’s figure returns to the room, a damp rag in his hands. He smirks at you all the while nudging your legs apart. He slowly drags the rag around your sensitive area, making sure to get any cum that was leaking out of you. After he cleans you up, he wipes off his dick a bit. 

He tosses the rag into a basket of clothes nearby. 

“You want any water?”

You take note to how gentle and sweet he was being after being so aggressive towards you before. It was a side of Joel you really appreciated. He wasn’t talking down to you, he genuinely took your needs into account.

“I think I’ll be okay,” You respond, your eyes finally shutting, “Don’t think I’ll be able to walk home.”

“You can stay,” He grumbles, walking to the side of the bed, “We both have patrol in the morning anyway.”

Your eyes fly open, “Shit, I do! Wait-”

“Yeah I’m on with you. For the rest of the week.”

You could scream. This man just gave you the best dick of your life and now you had to patrol with him? You didn’t know how you’d be able to contain yourself.

“Fuck,” You place your hands over your face. You settle in the thought that you needed to sleep if you were going to be alive for morning patrol and you’d worry about your horny desires for Joel.

“C’mere,” He says, pulling you further up the bed. He positions you next to him in the bed, pulling some covers over you, leaving your boobs still out for his viewing pleasure. He wrapped one arm under you, letting it rest around your neck. 

His sheets were flannel and so warm. His scent overtook you as soon as you relaxed into the pillows. One of them is the one you bite into earlier. 

You felt at peace, wanting to stay in this spot for as long as possible. 

“I’ll wake you a bit earlier so you can go home and get dressed,” He grumbles, “And…”

You don’t even realize how tired you are. Before Joel can finish his sentence, you fall into a deep slumber, praying sunrise doesn’t come too quickly. 

-

You wake up when it’s still dark outside. Joel woke you up with a gentle nudge. You shoot up, scared for a moment before you take in your environment. You realize he’s fully dressed already. You groan, rubbing your eyes. 

When you start to slip out of bed, you start realizing you’re still completely naked. 

And in Joel’s bed. 

You plant your feet on the wooden floorboards, using the light from the one lamp in the corner of the room to find your clothes. You could not find your panties for the life of you, so you give up and just shove your legs into your jeans and throw your shirt over your head. Joel lets you wake up in silence, not asking you questions until you make it downstairs. 

“I’ll see you at the stables,” He mutters, pouring warm water into a mug that has a tea bag hanging off of it, “You go get changed.”

He was being short, you could tell. You feel a sinking feeling, like he probably regretted what happened last night. Before you could respond, the back door swings open and a smaller frame enters the dark house. 

“Ellie,” Joel hisses, “What are you doing up?”

Her tired eyes are on you. You freeze in your spot, not knowing how to react or what to say. Your head just races with shitshitshitshit.

“I knew I heard your voice last night!” She laughs, “Y’all have fun?”

Your cheeks heat up instantly, not able to think of a response. 

“Ellie!” His voice is stern and borderline scary, “Go back to your room, now.”

It was a demand. 

She just chuckles, grabbing the door handle and pulling it close. 

“See you around, Joel’s lady friend.”

You stand there completely dumbfounded and embarrassed. Joel sips on his hot tea, not really paying attention to your response to Ellie calling you his lady friend. 

“Go get dressed.”

It was another demand. It sent shockwaves through your body. Maybe your sinking feeling was correct. 

Joel only did what he did last night because of the alcohol. It didn’t change how he’d treat or talk to you in real life. You kind of wished he’d just be cruel about it. Like he would just read your mind and tell you how stupid you were to think this would change anything. 

You felt like a fool.  You don’t say anything as you walk to the door and put on your boots. As you walk out of the house, you promise yourself to take it one minute at a time. Don’t overthink everything. Just let it be a one night stand. Don’t make it about your feelings. Be cool about it.

[earthnashes]

HEYOOOOOOOOO ya'll! Apologies for the brief bout of silence there; I had to lock the fuck in for my first powerlifting competition.

For anyone new around here; I've been lifting weights for a lil while now, but only recently (as of this year) have I decided to go the athlete route and started pursuing Powerlifting. Last saturday was my first time competing as a powerlifter in an actual meet (federation is NPL, a relatively new powerlifting fed), aaaaaaand to TLDR:

I got two 1st place medals in my weight class Set the state record for Bench @ 82.5kg (181lbs) Set the state record for Deadlift @ 145kg (319lbs)

If you wanna see the lifts themselves + my overall thoughts on the experience, that can be found under the Read More! :) Alternatively, for much shorter version + more photos of the event, just check out my post on my instagram HERE. uwu

I was fuckin' nervous the day before meet and the actual meet day itself. I've been to a powerlifting meet before and I had a ton of fun, but it's always very different watching a sport vs participating in a sport. Felt a lot like I did back when I played Basketball competitively; sweaty and hot and couldn't sit still. I like that feeling though, it feels like a challenge, and that's the best part of being competitive.

Once I actually got to the meet and did my first lift though that's when adrenaline kicked in and suddenly I felt like I could lift the world, bro. I'm feeling pretty confident I could've lifted an additional 5lbs on my bench and maybe another 10lbs on my deadlift, but I've very happy with the outcome I got.

My thoughts on the meet itself: it was fucking incredible. I think the best part of the competition is the people: both the athletes and the crowd. One thing I found with Powerlifting is that the energy is almost always entirely positive. It's a competition, sure, but no one is there booing or looking to see you fail. Everyone, including your fellow competitors, are hoping you succeed your lifts and beat your last score. The main aim in powerlifting is to win against yourself, and that really shows in the competition.

Every lifter is met with applause, cheers, and aggressive positivity. I fuckin love that aggression too; no one's afraid to get loud, get hyped or excited. Since this federation is relatively new, the crowd (everyone's friends and fam) kinda didn't know what the proper etiquette was for the comp was, but they quickly learned: yelling, shouting, cheering. It's fuckin great man.

And the lifters themselves are such a treat to meet; you get to see the varied potential of human strength in a wide array of genders and ages and it's somethin' to behold, man. Not to mention they're all just genuine people. I enjoyed every second, bro. ;w; If you're curious, here are my lifts:

They were the last attempts of each lift: for those who are curious, Powerlifting Comps have it where you get 3 attempts for each of the lifts (Bench, Squat, Deadlift). The idea is to successfully lift your first attempt with a simple, "lightweight" lift, or one you know you can sink no sweat. The last lift is when you YOLO and go fuckin' hard with something you know is a challenge, OR you're gonna go for a completely new PR.

For my bench, I knew I could sink 82.5kg without too much trouble. I actually wanted to attempt 84kg (roughly 185lbs), but I'm pleased with my bench's performance.

My deadlift, however, is a PR. I've never lifted 320lbs before this meet, and with it being the last lift of the day I told coach to lemme give it a shot. Glad I did! Shit moved relatively well, better than I anticipated it would. xD

Before I competed, my highest bench was 170lbs, and my deadlift was 260lbs. As seen above, my bench has officially increased to 181lbs and my deadlift to 319lbs. I myself weigh 177lbs. All in all, pretty proud of the results!

------

It took me roughly 6 months of prep, mostly on my own program and planning, to successfully compete in this meet. The base goal was to get an official taste of what it was like to prep, lift, and compete competitively, to see if I actually would enjoy the entire process from start to finish.

The answer is yes.

I've learned a lot from this experience, from what works in my training and what doesn't, to how much lifting is half-ways raw strength, half-ways a mind game, how competition works and the rules/regulations surrounding it. The nuances of my rest cycles, my eating habits, so on. It's all fascinating and helped me learn about myself. And now I know the answer to my next question, which was: would I do this again? Absolutely.

SO! My first meet is now in my back pocket and I have two medals and state records to show for it. My next goal is to compete in my next meet, in a drug-tested meet, and go for it's state record, maybe try to win Best Lifter. I ultimately wanna be nationally competitive; I wanna be known as one of the strongest lifters in the books. Maybe, if I'm lucky, compete in the Arnold Sports Festival one day? We'll see!

But ye. More powerlifting coming from me that's for sure! If ya'll are interested in seeing how that journey goes, I have the idea of officially turning my Instagram into my fitness/lifting journey blog. It won't necessarily be a guide to anything, just to show yall my progress and talk more about my lifting in general. :)

In any rate, I'll quit yappin! More from me soon! Until then stay sexy, my friends uwu

[ramp-it-up]

If The Fates Allow

Paring: Andy Barber (Drew) x Reader (Muffin)

Word Count: 3.4 K

Summary: Andy did you dirty and you are done. Can he convince you to give him your heart again?

Warnings: 18+ As always, MINORS DNI, SMUT, RPF. Not Beta’d. All mistakes my own. Tons of Angst, hurt, pining, and bitterness. Secret relationship, employee relationship, drinking, jealously, dancing, mistletoe, arguing, apology, that love thang.  Allusions to blow job, car sex, desk sex. Oral (f receiving.), fingering, squirting, allusions to p in v, breeding kink. Daddy Drew kink.

A/N: This is for #DJ’sAllIWant4KChristmas and based on  this very detailed ask. This is a companion piece to The Trouble With Love Is.

I no longer operate a taglist. Follow @rampitupandread to be notified when I post.

I Do NOT consent to my work being reposted, translated or presented on any other blog or site other than by myself.

When you showed up at the staff Holiday party looking like a million bucks in a shimmering gold dress, and killer heels, Andy was appropriately speechless.

You’d curved him, looking right through him as he stopped at your table to wish you Happy Holidays. You didn’t even spare him a smile.

Andy was shook. 

He went to the bar to knock a couple back and get up the courage to try again.

You were bitter.

You were in full on savage mode. 

And Andrew Barber was the cause.

You sat with Stephanie, who was in her second year of law school and glad for the break. She was lit, on her fourth drink and you weren’t far behind. You were both shit talking about Andy, who was watching you two out of the corner of his eye from his perch at the bar.

“Look at him. He ain’t shit.”

Steph side eyed you.

“You’re acting like you’re his wife? She’s the one who should be bitching about him.”

“You are soooo muthafuckin right, Steph. I. Am. Not. His wife.”

“Yessssss. Girl what is up?” 

Stephanie was worried now.

“He ain’t got a wife,” You mumbled into your drink.

“What?”

Steph didn’t hear you.

“Nothing.”

You thought back to the fall when his divorce was final.

Andy had spent the night with you. The entire night! You’d awakened in his arms and felt lighter than air. You made him breakfast and started scrolling your phone for restaurants for that evening.

Andy watched you on your phone and nodded at you as you were scrolling.

“What are you up to, Muffin?”

You grinned at your boyfriend.

“Drew… can you pull some strings and get us in o ya tonight? Pleaseeeee?”

You made your best pouty face for him, which he normally couldn’t resist. He swallowed his food and took a drink, eyeing you warily.

“You know we can’t go out in public, Baby.”

Your face, and your stomach, dropped. But you got up and sat on Andy’s lap.

“What? Why? You’re divorced now. We’re free, Drew…”

Fear bloomed in his chest as Andy accepted your kiss and held your chin between two fingers.

“Yeah. The divorce is final, but we need to lay low, just for a little while longer, honey.”

You pouted and Andy’s heart twisted. It was too much to hope that he could have everything he wanted so suddenly. No, he had to be careful, temper this newfound hope that was within his reach.

“But, Drew…”

Andy lifted your chin and started kissing down toward your cleavage while reaching under the shirt of his that you were wearing. 

“I am divorced, but not everyone needs to know that right now. And we still work at the same firm. It could mean your job. Or mine. Or both.”

“But…”

“Just a little while longer…” 

You whined. 

“Shhhh, Muffin.” 

Andy started to knead your breast as he kissed your neck. His voice was deep and his dick was hard as you sat on his lap.

“Now, what do you want for takeout tonight?”

You laughed into your glass.

“Just a little while longer.”

Stephanie gave you the gas face as she got up. 

“You need some water. You’re becoming a surly drunk.”

You just rolled your eyes and watched as Stephanie stepped next to Andy at the bar. He looked over to your table and you stuck your tongue out at him.

You were thinking of how the ‘little while’ turned from days, to weeks, to months, and how now here you were, four months later, and no one even knew that Andy was divorced, or that you had given a year of your life to that man. 

At the bar, Andy caught your display of ire and cleared his throat. It was the first communication you’d had in over a month. You had blocked him on everything, including changing the locks at your apartment just before Thanksgiving, the last time you asked him to go public with the relationship. 

And the last time he said no.

Andy missed you like crazy. And he was worried. But he was sure that you’d be back. He was planning on asking you to meet him after the party when Stephanie stepped up to the bar.

“Merry Christmas Stephanie. You and Y/N having a good time tonight?”

Steph looked back over her shoulder at you and shook her head.

“I’m trying Mr. Barber, but Y/N is being a little difficult.”

The bartender delivered two waters to Stephanie.  

“I’ll get her right, though. Merry Christmas, Mr. Barber.”

Andy watched as you started drinking the water. Neal sat down beside him. 

This fucking guy.

“That’s a prime piece right there. I’d like to get up in there.”

Andy glanced where Neal was looking. Your table.

“Stephanie’s pretty cute.”

Andy knocked back his drink and prepared to get up and relieve himself of Neal’s company.

“No. I mean, Y/N.”

Neal looked at Andy, who couldn’t tell if Loguidice was rattling his cage on purpose. Neal leaned in.

“C’mon, tell me you’ve never imagined bending that ass over your desk.”

Andy didn’t have to imagine that. That was how you two got together, one late night at the office. 

But he didn’t want to hear it coming out of Loguidice’s mouth.

“Do me a favor and shut the fuck up. Spare me your twisted fantasies, Neal.”

Andy retreated across the room as people started to dance. He stood on the wall and watched as Neal got some liquid courage and went over to get rejected by you.

Except he didn’t get rejected. You took his hand as he led you to the bar to get a drink and then to an isolated corner. 

Andy’s head was about to explode. 

You may have been just a little tipsy, but you knew what you were doing.  

You were in a corner with Neal Loguidice, flirting up a storm, laughing at all of his jokes, and loudly.

You knew that Andy was standing there like everything was alright. And why wouldn't he? You were no one to him, right? And no one even knew he was divorced, did they?

After all, the last year meant nothing to him, even though you played wifey and he played you cheap, keeping you his little secret.

That’s what you screamed at him the last time he saw you. Andy had tried to make you see how much you mean to him, but fear outweighed his feeling. 

Andy was wary of going public with you.

You were weary of being the side chick to his ego.

But when he looked up, he saw you, in a dark corner of the restaurant, being chatted up by Neal Loguidice. 

Andy saw red and he swore that steam was rolling out of his ears. He started to advance on you two, but you took Neal’s hand and led him to the dance floor, allowing him to pull you close as the slow song blared from the DJ’s speakers.

His heart dropped and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. The sight of you in someone else’s arms, in Loguidice’s arms, made him feel like an idiot. 

An idiot who let you get away.

Suddenly, it didn’t matter what everyone thought. All that mattered was you.

He got an idea and went to speak to the DJ, a hundred dollar bill in his hand. The music abruptly changed to the cha cha slide and you and Neal stood there awkwardly at the suddness of the transition.

He moved through the dance floor amid the crowd of people moving in unison. You glanced over and grimaced. Trying to keep a straight face as Andy managed to keep up with the footwork.

You’d never danced with or near him before, other than swaying in your living room, because he never took you dancing.

That made you angry again and you looked over at Neal and gave him a sexy smile, just because you knew it would piss Andy off.

You didn’t notice until it was too late, that with each turn of the dance Andy was manuevering you right where he wanted you.

When the song ended, he was able to cut you off from Neal and the rest of the dancers.

You were between Andy and the edge of the bar, and he was reaching up for something above you on the little portico in the area. 

You smirked at him when you saw what he was holding.

“Well, look at that, Y/N.”

Andy held it out to you, smirking.

“Is that mistletoe?”

There were people around, so you knew he was full of shit. You put your hands on your hips to challenge him.

“Are you– are you pulling down mistletoe, Mr. Barber?”

Andy looked at the plant in his hand as if he’d never seen it before.

“I guess I am. I must want to kiss you very badly.”

You were stunned. You looked around and you caught Stephanie raising her eyebrow at you and at Loguidice glaring at you both.

“I’m tired of you jerking me around. Do it. I dare you.” 

Andy tossed the mistletoe on the bar.

“If you say so.”

Then he moved forward, pressing you up against the wooden column and caressing the side of your face. You shuddered at this first touch in over a month. His thumb moved over to trace your bottom lip and you opened slightly, full of anticipation.

“I’ve missed the hell outta you, Muffin.”

And then he did it. Andrew Barber kissed you in front of about 185 people at the staff Klein Law Firm Christmas party. 

You moaned in the back of your throat and moved your hand up in his hair as he went to town tasting you and re-exploring your mouth with his tongue. His hand moved down the side of your body and ghosted over your ass, but returned to your waist.

When it was done, you rested your forehead against his.

“Drew…”

“Holy shit! Andrew is Drew!”

Stephanie was shocked.

Loguidice glared at you two and stalked out of the restaurant.

“Will you come talk?”

You looked at Andy’s extended hand in front of all these people and you had to accept. He was being fully honest for the first time in a while.

You sat outside Andy’s new condo and argued. 

With Andy. 

And with yourself.

Every time he tried to apologize, you rejected it. 

You pulled out your phone to call an Uber, fully sober and not willing to settle for less than you were worth.

“I don’t know what I was thinking, coming home with you. You still ain’t shit, Drew!”

Andy dropped his head, and then looked back up at you.

“I know. I don’t deserve a moment of your time.” 

Andy bit his lip, intoxicated by being this close to you again.

“But please, just come up and we’ll talk. That’s all.”

You two stared each other down, neither one of you believing what Andy had just said.

“I’m not sucking your dick, Drew.”

Andy put his hands up in defense and laughed.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Then he looked up in the air.

“Well… that’s not true. Have woken up more than once with ruined sheets like a schoolboy because of you.”

You cleared your throat. 

“Do we need to talk in the car?”

You gave him full attitude. Andrew Barber was not going to get in that easily.

“Sure. This car holds lots of… memories.”

Andy’s eyes roved you and the interior of his Audi.

You flashed back to when Drew turned you out in the driver’s seat. Shit. You couldn’t escape the ways and places you two had sex.

You rolled your eyes. 

“Fine, let’s go up.”

You moved to open the door and Andy said, “Ah ah ah…”

You sat back and waited with anticipation as Andy came around and opened the door for you. The electricity when he took your hand was just annoying at this point. And the way that he held it, in the elevator, gently rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb was not a turn on.

Not at all.

When Andy opened the door to his place, you walked in and surveyed the layout. It was very nice, if bachelor pad bare.

“Nice place.”

“It’s made much nicer with you in the space.”

You were still resistant to him, trying to keep your heart hard.

“So… I mean… what? I feel like this is an alternate universe or something.”

Andy’s world was upside down. He ran his hand through his hair and stared at you.

“What do you want to talk about Andrew? I told you I’m done.”

Andy was pressed.

“D’you want something to eat?” 

Andy looked at you and licked his lips. You were beginning to hunger, but not for food. Then you remembered why you were here. You straightened your spine.

“I was about to eat at the party, but then you made a scene. What’s up with that, Drew?”

Andy smiled at your nickname for him. Maybe there was hope. He gestured for you to sit down.

You took off your coat and handed it to him after he took off his jacket. You sat on the opposite end of the couch from him.

“I’ve made some decisions about my life. I’m tired of running from my feelings.”

Andy looked you straight in the eye. You felt he was telling the truth.

“I’ve treated you badly, like you were just a side piece and not worth me shouting my love for you from the rooftops. That’s what tonight was about. I’m done being a fool.”

You crossed your arms, silently considering what he was saying.

“I just don’t know if you’re done with me.”

“I said I was, didn’t I?” You snapped back.

Andy scooted closer to you.

“Yeah, that’s the thing. You clearly kissed me back at the party. And you agreed to come here with me, then you came up. Your actions seem to indicate otherwise.”

“Don’t cross examine me, Mr. Barber.”

Andy chuckled, his gaze moving around your face and settling on your lips.

“Can I just ask one question?”

You knew it was dangerous, but you assented anyway.

“Do I still have your heart?”

Damn. That was such a sweet fucking question.

You just gulped and stared at Andy, growing warmer with each second. It was all so intense. The energy was thick.

Andy moved closer.

“Where is your heart, Muffin?”

Your eyes half lidded at the nick name.

“I hate you, Drew.”

Andy moved even closer, and was reaching for you.

“I know. And I deserve it. But that wasn’t the question.”

You closed your eyes. 

“Let me tell you where my heart is.”

You took a deep breath, opened your eyes and looked at Andy.

“At first it was infatuation. From the moment you stepped foot in the office. I mean, the way you look, that body.”

Andy looked at you and then shook his head. 

“Then, when we started hooking up, I convinced myself it was just sex. I hid my feelings from myself, until you took up residence in my heart. Right here.”

Andy took your hand and placed it on his chest. You could feel his heartbeat. 

“And through everything, you’ve been there for me when it mattered. I love you Y/N. I know I’ve said it before. But I want you to know it all over again.”

You were caught up in the story Andy’s deep tenor was telling. But it wasn’t a story. You knew it was the truth.

“So. If you’ve taken your heart back from me, I want to ask for it back. Are you willing to trust me with it again? I promise I will try to heal what I’ve done, and celebrate you as the queen you are. My queen.”

“Oh, Drew.” 

You drew in a shuddering breath.

“Fuck it. You still have my heart. But I still hate you a lil’ bit.”

Andy chuckled, heart light at your admission.

“Understandable. I want to do so many things with you. Take you out, maybe have your help with decorating this place…”

You looked around. 

“You definitely need it.”

Andy slid on the floor and was on his knees before you. 

“And one day. Maybe you can sleep over… indefinitely…”

You were giddy at the prospect of what you wanted for so long. But you were still reticent. You bit your lip.

“Now why would I be sleeping over, Mr. Barber?”

Andy’s eyes were dark blue now, and he was reaching for you after your flirty response.

“I would hope that you would be so tired after all the orgasms I’m gonna give you that you just pass out naked on my bed.”

Andy’s hands went from your ankles to your calves to your thighs, pushing the gold fabric higher.

“Hmmmm. Big talk, Andrew.”

Andy leaned over and kissed you, gently teasing your lips open and sweetly tasting your tongue. You soft moan made him hard as a rock.

“Do you trust that I won’t hurt you again?”

You caught your breath after the kiss, getting lost in his eyes.

“No. You’ve just got to prove it.”

“Deal.”

“Right now I’m going to prove what I said about the orgasms. I’ve been dreaming about sucking the shit out of your clit and eating you out until you squirt.”

“Fuck, Drew….” 

Your whine told him all he needed to know. His hands moved up to the apex of your thighs and you squirmed slightly away from him.

“Where are you going? I told you, don’t run from me again. C’mere.”

He beckoned to you with his finger.

“Bring that ass here.”

You bit your own finger and smiled. Daddy Drew was back. You scooted down so that your ass was in his hands. He felt you up with his fingers.

“Oh shit, Muffin,” He felt the thong in your ass.

Then he looked down as you lifted your skirt the rest of the way so he could see your gold covered cunt. 

“For me?” 

You giggled and nodded.

“You shouldn’t have.”

Andy reached down and pulled your thong to the side, staring at you for the longest.

“A sight for sore eyes.”

Andy was actually whispering to your pussy as he started rubbing it with one thumb on top of you and the other coming in from the bottom to play in your wet, soppy hole. You started moving your pelvis.

“Ah. You’re desperate are you? You given what is mine away to anyone eles while we were apart?”

“No, Daddy. Have you?”

Andy didn’t hesitate.

“You own me baby girl,” said Andy as he lowered his mouth to lick up your slit.

“You always will.”

Andy rotated his palm and held you open with the other hand as you watched him eat you out. He fulfilled his dream of sucking your clit until you saw stars, and crooked his fingers just right to get you to squirt, as only he could.

Andy basked in it, then took off his wet shirt and the rest of his clothes before he divested you of your dress. You were limp, trying to recover from his ministrations as he picked you up, threw you over his shoulder and took you upstairs.

“Next stop on the tour is my bedroom, and my bed that I bought with you in mind. And the mostly empty walk in closet, because I know your clothes will take up more space than mine.”

You giggled as you were deposited on a king sized bed with the softest duvet ever. Your eyes widened and so did your legs as Andy pumped his massive dick. How you’d missed it.

“And no condoms allowed in this house. You’re gonna take this cum until it’s dripping out of your pores, by god.”

You opened your legs even wider as he descended toward you, three fingers already inside you to stretch you out.

“Yes, Daddy Drew…”

Reblog for the sake of love!

[stoukadraws]

Happy 3rd Anniversary Chromatale, and Goodnight.

So its about time I say this: I won't be making any content about this AU anymore, so that unfortunately puts it into the discontinued undertale comics category xd

I just really lost the spark I had 2 years ago when making it, so the "little hiatus" that I thought was only going to be a few months turned into more than a year.

I'm sorry to those who were waiting and wanted to see more, but there is another reason why I'm doing this-

It's not gonna be an AU anymore, it's going to be an original story.

I really thought about it for a while and I decided that making it into an original story would give me more creative freedom and I wouldn't have to always stick to one storyline, I wanted to expand the world more as well as the characters, but since its all based on a game with a pretty much solid story, it was hard for me to insert some things that would be out of place or wouldn't make sense.

So, I hope you understand, this AU was truly a learning experience for both my art and my writing since I made it when I was really young and not very experienced, but I'm glad I was able to improve along the way.

Thank you for supporting this AU since the beginning and stuck around!

I plan to make more works surrounding this new story later on, so I look forward to it! And I hope some of you are excited for what's to come. (*^▽^*)

More in-depth explanation + some questions (near the end) :

This is gonna be a bit long so if you really wanna read this whole thing be prepared xd

This whole thing doesn't mean I'm quitting Undertale altogether, I'm still continuing the Strays Au, and I want that AU to be my main Undertale AU now since I've always intended on making it Undertale related and I'm already satisfied with it right now, so I don't intend on making it original or anything.

When I started Chromatale I was still a kid-ish, and I was at the toilet with my phone and idk how it started but I decided to doodle a Sans on my phone and thought "I can make an Undertale AU!".

And so I did. Chromatale back then was reallyyy different, it was a post-genocide story with Sans and Frisk trying to bring everyone back -yeah real original younger me

There was a comic I did on my phone but now its lost in time unfortunately, it went though like 2 rewrites until I decided to make it a full AU with my own story. And so some brainstorming later and the comic you all know today was made!

Again, I was still new to the whole comic making thing and my writing was pretty sloppy, I'm still surprised it got a lot of attention- I was full of passion and really worked my butt off to make each pages, even with school going on (it was online so it wasn't much of a hassle tho) I was determined to finish it and already had a lot of the comic planned.

That is until I felt a bit worn out, my motivation was getting lower until I could barely produce a page, so that's when I decided to put the comic on hiatus, I initially planned for it to only be a few months but then time went on and I still didn't feel motivated to continue it.

During that time I was just doing my own thing, making some OC art and different stories, making another Undertale AU, going back to school and a shit ton of projects to do- I felt like a little weight was lifted from my back, the comic had turned into labor for me and constantly doing updates wasn't very healthy, since during some updates I had to force myself to finish it.

The story was also changing in the middle of it, I had to rewrite chapter 3 since the first version was literally full of "fanservice" that I only noticed when I re-read the chapter a few months later.

I just wasn't satisfied with it, the story that my younger self had in mind didn't fit what I wanted now since I had grown more mature as time went on, the whole AU really taught me what to do and what not to do.

Initially I actually wanted to reboot Chromatale again and focus more on the concepts and solidifying the plot before engaging in a comic, but after some thinking I thought it would be better to transition it into an original story. I really wanted to expand the story more and again gain more creative freedom than being limited to a pretty much complete-ish story.

I wanted to do what I wanted instead of forcing it to fit with the fandom's liking and preference.

Although its going to be an original story some things will sorta be the same but I won't go into too much detail about it.

I won't promise a comic though, mini comics sure but not anything official. Maybe in the far distant future, but I doubt, I still got a lot of other stories I wanna make into comics >>

Now some things I would like to clarify:

"Now that you're discontinuing Chromatale can it be mine?"

-Unfortunately as much as you want to claim it, no. Chromatale still belongs to me. Even if its going to be original now there's still a lot about it during its UTAU days. I still own it, but I don't want to be heavily associated with it. I'd rather have others focus on the new version than the AU version, and I don't want all my other works to be overshadowed by it. I hope you understand.

"Can I still make fanart?"

-Feel free to still make fanart, I won't restrict anyone from still making any. But I'd still like to see fanart of the new version 👀

"Can I still dub the comic?"

-Sure, make sure to still credit me but please specify to viewers that the comic is now discontinued and its become an original story, I don't wanna give the viewers false hope. If your dubbing for fun then go ahead!

Any dub of the comic that has been published has my permission to still be up in public, I won't force anyone to take it down. But please don't use it for any profiting or income.

Now that's been settled, I'm planning on posting some concepts from the AU that I still have since I don't think I'll use some anymore and now that its ok to show now that I discontinued the comic xd

Again, thank you for following me along this journey! See you in the next post ✨

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

Books of 2024: August Wrap-Up.

Hey, would you look at that, it's suddenly September! Rude and uncalled for. This month, I did a lot of knitting (two sets of gloves and two hats! gearing up for holiday season), and a LOT of writing (finished the first 16k draft of a scene, who???), and read uh. Some. I didn't finish a ton of books, but I did make it through what felt like a ton of pages.

Two-thirds of this month's reading were post-apocalyptic-community-oriented, on purpose, to feed into my current writing project, and that worked really well--either I'm very good at choosing books that match the vibe I need, or my ADHD brain is good at making connections, OR a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. Photos and/or reviews linked below:

GHOST STATION (pages-out stand-in book pictured above, because I checked it out from the library after canceling my paperback pre-order, which was a good call) - ★★ This was very bad. Bad science, stupid incompetent characters, JUST enough neat worldbuilding to make it FRUSTRATING that this missed so hard. I'm bummed because I wanted to read DEAD SILENCE by this author, too, but I don't trust her now :(

ALWAYS COMING HOME - ★★★★½ Loved this!! Dense and chewy, and it required a lot of patience, but it was very rewarding and I'm really glad I read it. My absolute favorite passage was about scrub oaks, but I posted a few other highlights and tagged them as "le guin posting," if you're interested! If you like Le Guin and/or utopias and better futures and/or huge books that push what it means to Be A Novel, check this out for sure.

ARCHANGELS OF FUNK - ★★★½ So. I didn't realize that this was attached to a few other novels she's already written. And I read it cold (oops). Goodreads informed me that it was Book #2 of Cinnamon Jones, and review-diving indicated that REDWOOD AND WILDFIRE is also implicated in its worldbuilding, but that didn't stop me because I can't read. I would like to revisit this one after I've read those other two, I think, but!: The community and vibes and Making Art At The End Of The World were all immaculate, and the character names made me feel vindicated in some of my own naming conventions (seriously: there's an Indigo in this, and a Game-Boy, and Hawk, I can't make this shit up).

Under the Cut: A Note About ~*★Stars★*~

Historically, I have been Very Bad™ about assigning things Star Ratings, because it's so Vibes Heavy for me and therefore Contingent Upon my Whims. I am refining this as I figure out my wrap up posts (epiphany of this month: I don't like that stars are Odd, because that makes three the midpoint and things are rarely so truly mid for me)(I have hacked my way around this with a ½). Here is, generally, how I conceptualize stars:

★ - This was Bad. I would actively recommend that you do NOT read this one, no redeeming qualities whatsoever, not worth the slog. Save Yourself, It's Too Late For Me. Book goes in the garbage (donate bin).

★★ - This was Not Good. I would not recommend it, but it wasn't a total waste or wash--something in here held my interest/kept my attention/sparked some joy. I will not be rereading this ever. Save Yourself (Or Join Me In Suffering, That Seems Like A Cool Bonding Activity).

★★★ - This was Good/Fine/Okay/Meh. I don't care about this enough to recommend it one way or another. Perfectly serviceable book, held my interest, I probably enjoyed myself (or at least didn't actively loathe the reading). I don't have especially strong feelings. You probably don't need to save yourself from this one--if it sounds like your jam, give it a shot! Just didn't resonate with me particularly powerfully. I probably won't reread this unless I'm after something in particular.

★★★½ - I liked this! I'll probably recommend it if I know it matches someone's vibes or specific requests, but I didn't commit to a star rating on Goodreads. More likely to reread, but not guaranteed.

★★★★ - I really enjoyed this!! I would recommend it (sometimes with caveats about content warnings or such--I tend to like weird fucked up funny shit, and I don't have many hard readerly NO's). Not a perfect book for me by any means, but Very Good. This is something I would reread! Join me!!

★★★★★ - I LOVED THE SHIT OUT OF THIS, IT REWIRED MY BRAIN, WILL RECOMMEND TO ANYONE AND EVERYONE AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION (content warning caveats still apply--see 4-star disclaimer). Excellent book, I'll reread it regularly, I'll buy copies for all my friends, I'll try to convince all of Booklr to read it, PLEASE join me!!

[greenplumbboblover]

Happy almost new year!

Yesterday I posted that whole "Top 10 Tumblr posts" but while that was fun to see, I figured I'd go through things I felt was a great accomplishment of this year for me. And some new years resolutions ;)

Accomplishments of 2023:

I made a website!

I know it's tiny and that it's not really great (yet) for getting tons of views, but I do want to thank everyone (I actually typed out all the names but tumblr was being stupid and I couldn't post the post then :/) for either giving it a try or using it. Without you, it would've just been a floating idea with no purpose. :) Thank you so much for believing in it!

I created a new sims story!

Gone a bit back to my original Simblr roots and made a story! Chapter 1 had been in my screenshots folder for over 2 years now, but I was just self-conscious about sharing it. I'm glad I actually got to terms that the only way to know if people will like it, is by sharing it. :)

Came back to Tumblr fully again.

Over those 2 years I hadn't really been on Tumblr much. I'd post my mod posts and that was it. Truth be told, I didn't really have much motivation to do TS3 stuff anymore at that time. But I think in the end I forgot how fun it can be :) I know I suck at interacting with people, though my anxiety often gets the best of me, and I'm genuinely sorry about that! I'm hoping to change that next year with some help.

New Year's resolutions:

I know most people probably didn't get through the whole thing because I type a lot, but if you do, hey there :)

Making Simblr.cc feel more personalized

I feel like currently it feels very download-oriented, which I'd like to keep! But that vibe also seems to be around with the more picture - oriented things. So I just want to make part of that feel more Tumblr-ish where it's just your personalized space. :)

Starting to sell stickers (and such)!

I know, kind of clique thing that everyone seems to be doing now and then, but I have seriously been loving to draw a lot. Though, my creative outlet only seems motivated when I do something for someone/something. So I was hoping to not just sell stickers for SImblr.cc as a donation thing, but also to make some of my own. :)

Finishing LISISV

I never intended to make LISISV like those shows that have been around for 20 years and going on. :p I know most of you do, which I love! But I'm not sure if I will be able to, lol.

I was hoping to rewrite the entirety of "Elly" which I did YEARS ago as a wee 14 year old (till I think, like 16?) but that's all basically teenage cringe IMO :p The concept and the characters however I always adored. So who knows!

Figuring out what to do with Interests & Hobbies

I keep promising that I'll finish it "after this mod" and I honestly do open it up, work on it for a little bit but then I start working on a feature and it... just doesn't work with the mod? However, the more I do that, the more 'bland' the mod becomes. So I don't know what do with it anymore 😅 Anyone who knows please help!

Unless you are all okay with remnants of it, which I'm doing currently :)

Making this space mod I have been wanting to do for a while

Not many people know this about me but i'm a huge sci-fi nerd :p And I wondered how hard it would be to make this “colonizing the a planet” space mod in TS3. Though I know that most people probably wouldn't care about that, since TS3 is more about generational things and... not so much about those things. So, who knows.

I guess I just need to sit down with myself and get my shit together, honestly.

Attempting to actually talk to others.

I don't know how people do it... I honestly want to keep tap of everyone I follow but I get so exhausted, if not, my anxiety starts kicking in because "what if I say the wrong things?" It's not just a tumblr thing though, i've been like that since forever, and maybe should just reach out for help for it. I just don't know.

I just feel as of late that people put great effort into commenting on my things and I'm barely there for them. Yet, just know that I am there, that I do think of you, i'm just deleting my sentences over and over again and just giving up. I'm genuinely sorry about that.

Hopefully your year will be nice and may your wishes come true :

[lurkingshan]

Bed Friend

Overall, I really liked this show! Uea and King felt like very fully realized characters to me. They were interesting, flawed, very human in their reactions to each other and the stressful situations the show put them through. The actors had excellent chemistry and really made me believe in their connection. For me, the peak of the series was episode 6 - it was the height of the tension between them, just after we started seeing that they had something real, and featured the only pre-finale bed scene that actually felt deeply intimate and sexy to me (this is not a knock, I think this was quite intentional on the part of the show).

After that, some of the plotting got a little dicey, with very serious conflicts suddenly getting dealt with far too conveniently. I didn’t like rich boy King just making a few phone calls and neatly dispatching all of Uea’s abusers; those resolutions didn’t feel equal to the magnitude of the trauma we were taken through with Uea. And there were a few instances, like the confession scene at the end of episode 8, where I believe the translations were bad because the emotions and reactions of the characters just were not lining up with what my subs claimed they were saying. But even with those quibbles, the core relationship stayed solid and I believed in their emotional development, and I appreciated that the show took some time getting back to their physical connection once they decided to be serious about each other, and that we got to see Uea essentially adopted into King’s family. The finale was just a horny epilogue (I’m making fetch happen @shortpplfedup) and fluff fest, which felt earned for this show more than most.

Many smarter people than me have already done a ton of thorough analysis on this show, so I’m just gonna reblog folks like @wen-kexing-apologist instead of attempting to break it down myself. But I do want to weigh in on a couple things that were on my mind as I tracked reactions (with help from excellent weekly recaps from @bengiyo and @waitmyturtles) and considered whether I wanted to watch:

Is it realistic for this much terrible shit to happen to one character?

Does this feel like trauma porn?

On the first question, let me just say it unequivocally: YES. I have personal and family experience with a lot of the types of trauma Uea went through, which I won’t get into because… I don’t wanna. If you don’t, and therefore find it hard to believe a parent could be that awful, or that this many predators could find one person, I am glad for you. But the truth of the matter is that yes, some parents are really that hateful toward their children, and it’s quite common for victims of abuse to be perpetually targeted over the course of their life. Abusers have some sort of uncanny radar for vulnerable people.

On the second question, I won’t speak for anyone else, but for me the trauma depicted in this show did not feel gratuitous or exploitative. Uea’s experiences, and their effect on his mental health and ability to connect with others, were taken seriously. King, while certainly not perfect, treated him with respect and supported him as soon and as much as he could with the opportunities he was granted. We got to see Uea find some peace, make a new family for himself, and truly start to heal. If you’re going to lean on trauma to drive characterization and relationship development, this is the way it should be done.

This show gets two thumbs up from me, and I will be enthusiastically seated for Middleman’s Love.

[jackienautism]

So for life is strange did you save the town or Chloe bc as much as I liked Chloe - Kate was my girl and I tried way to hard to make sure she didn’t DIE - ain’t no way I was letting my girl get taken by the storm im sorry Chloe 😭😭😭

i ended up watching my friend stream the game (hiii @kilowattsons) so i havent played it myself but! iiiii. honestly cant remember what we ended up doing? im PRETTY sure we ended up saving chloe ? (im not pretty sure) but i cant rly remember my reasonign as to why i wanted to do that either. im glad you like chloe thouhg bc a lot of people dont ): like i can understand WHY but its much more complicated that "oh shes a shit friend" yk? but anyway

KATE IS VERY BELOVED.... she rly reminds me of a character i love dearly from fire emblem three houses... and i dont blame you for wanting to MAKE sure that she lived. bc i know its left ambiguous in regards to what happened to some characters following the storm but like. i totally get wanting to FFOR SURE save your girl. there was a ton of other side characters. WAIT ?????? I DONT THINK WE SAVED CHLOE? OR DID WE. I CANT REMMBER. I VAGUELY REMEMBER SEEING LIKE THE WRECKAGE OF THE TOWN BUT I ALSO REMEMBER SEEING CHLOE'S FUNERAL? i guess we went through both endings like one after another. but i seriously cant remember im so sorry. but anyway, as i was saying, there was a ton of side characters that i RLY liked that wouldve been affected by the storm but were already dead</3 for example. i fucked up w/ victoria and got her killed. and of course nathan is already dead by the end of the game in that ending. i think ? things are fuzzy my apologies. its been like. almsot 2 years (GOSH.... that long huh?) sinc ei watched my friend play and was fixated on the game. but yeah. aside from those 2. i rly like dana and kate ... and i Loved chloe. so no matter what ending i chose i would be losing</3 like a lot

but yeah. dont blame you for wanting to keep kate safe fdkffdsf girl went through A LOT and doesnt deserve to die like that. thank you for the ask! sorry that i rambled fkdgfdg

[itsdappleagain]

alrighty, to steal or not to steal! this one is a little hard to liveblog and I'm not going to go through all the options, so I'm just gonna take you through my favorite path and gush about how hot and gay everything is for the most part! there will be a little commentary on other paths but yeah :)

(thats the ile d'oleron)

notes under the cut as always!

for your viewing pleasure in case its been a while and you haven't played.

fun fact- I am also taking us on close to the first route I ever took with this special. I got waylaid along the way by the trick routes and failed a lot, but I'll get us on the path to the first win I ever got. (the best one.)

i was SHOCKED by how good this special was the first time I played through it. I had just joined the fandom, I was scrounging for content in the waiting-for-s3-desert, and boom- there was a SPECIAL? why didn't anyone tell me?

anyway, this is always super fun to do. I've done every single route multiple times and recorded all of them too for the illegal stash but theres nothing quite like playing it.

in the very first episode (and african ice) devineax mentions an amusement park in shanghai. wonder if the two are related, or if VILE just has a shit ton of properties in there?

she did, in fact, get shanghai'd in shanghai.

oh. thats why its set here. ahha i get it

she loves them 🥺

i choose top floor

carmen trusts her grappling hook in a glass building more than I trust myself

girlie walked into that empty steel door locked vault with an indiana jones trap ass looking phone in the middle that maelstrom was talking from and went to pick it up with ZERO hesitation

ah, carmen sandiego and its weird genre of toilet paper jokes during stressful circumstances

maelstrom's exasperated eyeroll and sigh as the married couple bicker

i choose steal for vile

the first time I played this i obviously chose to try to save zack and ivy. since I know that leads to failure now, I'm skipping it this playthrough, but it was quite the shock the first go around! tsonts plays to my little angst loving heart by making you watch zack and ivy and sometimes carmen meet horrible tragic ends again and again lmao

girlie the old you stole the statue of liberty skill issue

i like the glow of green on carm's face here to show her temporary allegiance change and vile's win

the terracotta warriors are super cool im glad we get to visit them

i think the first time i played this option i talked to tigress. since sneaking just gives bonus material and doesn't actually change anything (plus. puppies) im going that route!

i choose sneak past tigress

oh btw i love the little simplified characters in the choices they r so cute

also carmen's quips if you take too long to choose are hilarious and worth waiting for. dodge the cat or stop to chat?

me

subtitles doing the most

i LOVE how bitchy carmen gets in the special she's hilarious. she's very quietly pissed off the entire time and she mostly takes it out on tigress

those slides down the tunnel are sooo smooth

its impossible, as a canon law, to get zack and ivy's names right if you're a villain

i love the two's looks at each other when she steps on the booby trap its just resigned "ahhh shit."

imagine if there had been spikes at the bottom of the pit and carmen had just saved herself sdgjadsgjds

"im the one sitting in the catbird seat right now" oh you

anyway, i'm choosing leave tigress

this is the choice i made my first time playing! i love carmen's sassy ass "i cant hear you! im in a tunnel, bad connection!" line, and i'm not going the arctic circle path anyway so it doesn't matter.

tigress bugshadowing for s4! lots of foreshadowing for s4 in the special actually

the "theyre stunning" followed by that just. crushed look when she remembers what she's here to do augh

he has a beard and a mustache

she so cute

i choose hide and blend in

my first go around I chose to hitch a ride, as, I thought, was logical. I didn't know carmen had access to stopping time, a disguise, and endless amounts of dirt to camouflage her perfectly with the statues in addition to a handy spot to keep her change of clothes. who knew? im going with hide to speed up my run, but I was pissed off the first time i played this let me tell you sjgdhsgdhs

actually, you know what, let me hit ride for a second because I think there's a carmen death at the end of that one I want to comment on

carmen "historical artifacts are irreplaceable treasures" sandiego, everyone

why are vile's names for zack and ivy so shit

oh yeah here we go

the crash landing! I made a post on that years ago but my headcanon was that carmen was so distracted that she crashed and died I think lmfao. anyway no one came outta that one unscathed. k, back to the route!

OH i also like that the format for this is like the old gameshow a little bit with chief's lines at the end. its fun

they really wanted to call this thing "carmen sandiego: vile operative" didnt they. hamlet? was bela in on the naming of this?

cleo's little shoulder shimmies

abby trott's singing voice this episode <33333333

also THE OLD THEMEEEE this whole thing is just a throwback honestly its a lot of fun

carmens eyeroll at "carmens choice" jsadgha

to steal or not to steal: or, bellum and cleo being married old women for forty minutes

i choose cleo's caper

we just gotta get to the gay dance scene as quickly as possible okay

carmen asked for the specification on the eggs so seriously

cleo speaking french. thats it thats the post

some of the lines in this special are a little weird with repetition. carm does it once with the riding with/hiding among the statues in a way that sounds a little unnatural, and she does it again here with "everything i ever steal from vile goes straight to charity, and now they're making me steal from a charity?" the inflection/repetition is just weird, like the emphasis should have been on steal, not charity. idk maybe gina just reads weird

carmen SLAYS in this dress. i wish it was even more extravagent but i get they needed something simpler for the dance scene. still shes hot as fuuuck for the whole part

her leg split is scandalously high btw??

and JULIA GOOD GRACIOUS SHE'S SO GORGEOUS actually thank god for chase never showing his face in here he gets enough spotlight in the choose your own adventure novels

it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that julia looks different because shes wearing contacts

her favorite acme agent

how did she find out julia's last name i wonder

noooo carmen dont avoid her ur so sexy ahahaha

carmen's voice. when she says scarlet santa rosa. hdhwidw oh boy. also hello, fake name for hospitals and hotels in every fic ever from this point out. we salute you.

player's "oh boy" he knows carmen's too gay for this shit

also good GOD yes we're dancing. only thing we're missing is carmen saying she likes to tango more than she likes to waltz so there we go. gay time

i choose to accept the dance

"do i cut a rug, or put the 'go' in sandiego?" these lines are GEMS

man this scene is spectacular

adoring how miserable carmen looks the entire time she's dancing with this rando. can she do it? yes. does she want to be? hell no

the guy: :D carmen: 🙁

SHES HOLDING HERSELF SO FAR AWAY FROM HIM ITS SO FUNNY

girl if you were any further apart from this dude you'd be in north america

carmen fantasy mind link with mime bomb where she kicks the man to the curb and engages in a techno dance fantasy where she lets her hair down and goes wild, imagining julia argent seeing her and cheering her on gayly is top ten scenes in all of animation history

carmen's hips in the dance have me in a chokehold figuratively and i wish it was literally

the little prance after carmen kicks herself in the face is so gay you're being so gay dude. she imagines julia watching her and she stares directly at her and PRANCES

love the imaginary dance partner guy. carmen's like hm i wish this guy was fun

also THRILLED that the only canon imagination we ever see carmen having is one. being paranoid about a crusty 20 year old shadowsan stalking her and 2. having a dissociative dance fantasy because dancing the waltz with monaco royalty is torturous to stay grounded for

when she takes her hair out like if you agree

THE LEG SLIT SHINES THROUGH HERE WE ARE INCHES AWAY FROM THE TVY7 GOING OUT THE WINDOW FASTER THAN CARMEN DOES LATER IN THE SCENE

that was fantastic as always, sorry you had to sit through me ranting gayly for that long. time for more gay ranting. ITS JULIA!

carmens little moment of panic when julia comes up behind her is always great

man theyre so gay. julia is confident and girl please bestie i love you but this is the ONE time you're wrong

my favorite frame. goldfish julia

the height difference

"so good to see you again" 😌

julia using they/them pronouns win writers did her dirty in the s3 opener

"I will CERTAINLY be relieved once any stolen treasures MYSTERIOUSLY appear at my doorstep to allow me to return them to the proper authorities" she says in the most seductive voice possible, turning and walking away with a look over her shoulder

shes literally flirting you guys

player said woah because even he knew that the usual writers never let julia have that much personality and gaydar

gay abt it. also obsessed with their little hooves

we never talk about how dirty tsonts does you. it leads you unequivocally to believe that tricking julia is the correct option to keep both carmen and her safe. it ALSO leads you to believe that carmen is just going to pull a "WHATS THAT OVER THERE" trick and leave. SHE DOES NOT. DO THAT. SHE LOCKS JULIA OUT ON THE ROOF, STEALS FROM HER, AND LIES TO HER. WHY

anyway first time i played this i tricked julia thinking i was keeping her safe and was so pissed off by the outcome that I went back and trusted her. we do miss a glorious angy jules moment of her screaming "la femme rogue" with ten times less punch than devineaux, though.

all that is to say i choose trust julia.

either way you slice it i managed to wind up in a pickle at a caviar party

MMGH THE TRUST <3

they say trust like three times in this conversation its so. the core of their relationship

YESSS SHE TRUSTS HER DUGHDUHGDJDHEDHJD SHAKING THEM IN MY TEETH

carms little smile mmmmmmmmmm

ah, the cs 3/4 turn

OKAY even though it'll lead to bad shit happening we cannot skip the stash part because 1. it gives us one of carmen's BEST outfits and 2. i have a funny story about it/this is what i picked the first time

also it again leads us to the wrong choice on purpose in my opinion, which i think tsonts is designed to do

shes my profile picture and shes so killer in the waitress outfit god im so gay about it

okay here's my funny story when mime bomb started choking i was COMPLETELY prepared to have an option to save him or continue to go after the caviar and i was also COMPLETELY prepared to let him die i felt really bad about it once I realized they obviously weren't going to let him choke

NOT ON STAGE, PLAYER, ON FOOD

mime bomb singing opera foreshadowing!! while hes choking to death

carmen could give me the heimlich maneuver

mime bomb hairline reveal

everyone just dissipates once they realize they were laughing at a person actively dying

THE SHE

who is also the me on tumblr

the waitstaff wondering why this piece of fish weighs five times what its supposed to and why this one weighs nothing at all 🤨

you uncouth ninny

i love the cut from zack and ivy trying to fight to them immediately getting brainwashed they didnt stand a chance

btw where does carmen keep just. changing. where is she going. did she mug a waiter for that outfit and leave them naked in a closet. what

anyway ultimately i choose dash

she so cute when she commit acts of violence on innocent people

elsa is that you

man i love that shot of her putting on the glider. where is everyone though. like did they just think she threw herself off the edge and were like ah well

i love getting to see clips of carmen actually pulling the cord on her glider also her WHOLE LEG IS OUT GOD DAMN

imagine if they had just prerecorded zack and ivy and they were way off the mark. and zack and ivy were just mindwiped already

its my favorite background extra!

also the carmen-in-milan extra who was in dubai was also in the earlier scene

they have one RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF THE TOP OF THE WORLD

i choose steal for vile again becauseeee we snubbed tigress so that would fuckin suck for us. i do really enjoy the trust tigress --> arctic circle route, though (i wasnt even aware there was more than one good ending for a really long time because i always left tigress in the hole lmfao) but shes actually decent. i also like when you leave tigress --> arctic circle because carmen just kicks a solid metal foot thick door. and it hurts. like she didnt think about that one

hell???? in a kids show??? 😲

i like how you can see that carmen appreciates how incredible it is that theres soft tissue intact

another weird inflection thing? she says "attempt to clone-" like shes about to put emphasis on the dinosaur part after, when i feel like she would put emphasis on clone? idk whatever

gremlin bellum is the best

editing carmen sandiego clips to be way out of context is my passion. ugh. im going to hell

montana got such a sad info section honestly

carmen slaying that red eyeliner

OKAY first time i did this i tried to catch the plane, which is what im doing now because...it just adds scenes and doesnt actually change anything. however the first time i did this...you know what, tell you when we get there. here we go.

rip carmen's motorcycle which she somehow had in montana

imagine being the pilot

oh yeah okay. so, the first time i played this i literally fucking thought i had just condemned carmen to a horrific and unnecessary painful death. the glider prevented me from having a full out heart attack, I think, but it scared me VERY BADLY!

and then- alright, by this point, I'd chosen wrong pretty much every single time. the van, the soldiers, the stash/dash, everything. i just fucked up EVERYTHING. so when bellum called and was like YOU WASTED SO MUCH TIME i thought OHHH NO FUCK DID I DOOM THEM AGAIN NOOO. it turns out, you get that scene no matter which path you take. so. whatever. but that series of events got me so scared

TSONTS does more for carmen's friendship with zack and ivy/building relationships with allies than the entire main series and you can fight me on that

she thought you were making a funny 🤨

autistic bellum agenda

first time around i picked el topo! there are fun sides to both- el topo's line about being pawns in a bigger game, but also le chevre gets you a chase scene on a rollercoaster where agent zari tries to run carmen over . ride the cyclone her if you will. both are fun, but for the sake of doing my og path im going to go for el topo!

el topo is such a cinnamon roll. hes excited to work with her 🥺 he hates no one 🥺

"very well dressed company" acmeoffical should put that was their tagline

i think my first go around i hid, so I'm doing that. AgAiN, tsonts leads you to the wrong option. like. obviously running seems stupid if the entire place is crawling with them?? to me, anyway. but. i guess its always right in this playthrough. still choosing hide first because i like to see carmen break shit and get caught

she pulls a dokuso on that one. where did she get a smoke bomb

the cranial dranial. btw the noises on that title card are disgusssting. you miss out on so many good gags if you save zack and ivy from dying. bellum and cleo squabbling. bellum renaming the mindwiper every three seconds

anyway onto the good option of run

and my favorite background acme agent <3

carmen being loud af in those vents and REALLY not careful with that one of a kind priceless bone

behold, carmen sandiego

love how embarrassed zari is jdsgdjsh

girlie fit through THAT grate???

AHH THE JULIA AIRPORT SCENE

love how you can see her little foot sticking out from behind the tourist before she pops out

i also love how carmen very clearly notices julia following her

my favorite bg character again

julias so cute

woah, a mindwiping carmen plot?? thats so diabolical! im glad its possible to entirely avoid that fate for carmen in the canon. yep!

lil. gay julia

its so sad when julia rejects her if you decide to lock her out on the roof. but also hilarious because julia tracks her through the airport LITERALLY just to break up with her on her own terms. shes like oh i gotta find carmen and carmen is like hi and then julia just leaves

also the dont trust julia ending is literally the worst ending in the game and its a crime that that symbolism didnt carry to the main series. so angsty and good though i really like that scene

ALSO also the carmen getting mindwiped bad ending?? THATS how carmen should have reacted in s4. shes struggling, shes trying to avoid it, but like?? in the CANON MINDWIPING carmens just like grgrggrgr im biting this. not going to change my behavior of yanking on my wrists as maelstrom reveals a terrible fate to me just going to keep looping "struggle animation" like an npc

sorry. im salty about that. you can tell. back on track to the gay ending.

UM. SURE? shes so cute

PAPER STAR'S THEME!!! i love that being woven into the score

juliaaaa in the hat and coaaaat

zack and ivy's banter in the evil shack is great

oddly specific subtitles?

carmen got the perfect circle capabilities of luz in here

how did she just move that piece of roof aside instead of it falling in help

"since when does carmen sandiego wear glasses" REALLY thats the ONLY thing that looks different about her? not the. race change. or the dark hair pixie cut. or losing half a foot of height

zack hugging carmen <33

man im hitting my image limit for this post help

also carmen just shoving zack away is so funny shes not even gentle shes just like BOOM lets jet.

that vile grunt slamming face first into the helicopter my beloved

"not of helicopters im not!" zack says, flying the helicopter flawlessly

"here's looking at you, crew" is a reference to the 1942 film casablanca which was the first location carmen visited outside of vile island. in this theory i will prove that casablanca was the first movie she ever watched and-

how do you know where julia lives, huh carmen? dont you know thats GAY?

HHAAIHUDGHGGHDSJ i love this ending so fucking much arhsghaggdrg. im carmen sandiego and im here to make your day. she's wearing the hat and coat. shes so cute theyre so gay et cetera et cetera

that gayass little display carmen does for her

the fucking. bouquet of red roses oh its carmens color no shut up she did NOT have to do that that was EXPLICIT. ALSO JULIA BLUSHING ABOUT IT WHILE SHE THANKS HER AND HOLDS THE BOUQUET IM GOING FERAL OVER THEM TSONTS DID SO MUCH FOR US

BONUS SCENE TIMEEEEE

what an absolute treasure i love the recreation of the old rockapellas song. they got to correct their czech republic inaccuracy wheeze. oh to be a geography show during a time when geography isnt staying the same long enough to make content about it

zack submitting himself to chinese water torture just for fun

the vile operatives ajdgshdfaghds

ABBY TROTT <3 love you and ivy's dancing and ivy singing and everyone dancing and everyone singing pop off slay the whole nine yards

obsessed with that little arm move on "berlin down to belize" what was that

carmivy canon

tigress's shoulder shimmies and pinchies of the glider yes

cs color theory ON LOCATION + the gays being gay

ive never understood the mekong from the jungle line honestly. did she steal the whole river. unify east and southeast asia. i guess so. if she can steal the statue of liberty why not

puberty didnt hit player like a truck it hit him like a rocketship

brunt's little jig as she goes to punch the living daylights out of carmen <3

SHE PUT THE MISS IN MISDEMEANOR WHEN SHE STOLE THE BEANS FROM LIMA <3 thats my favorite line

GO BORIS SLAY

i also love zari's line

"A moving violation is any violation of the law committed by the driver of a vehicle while it is in motion" julia literally knows carmen is a cant drive gay

mime bomb's one line <3

ACME SPELLING OUT ACME LIKE ITS YMCA IS HONESTLY SUCH A FUNNY VISUAL GAG BY THE WAY

once again, ABBY TROTT'S VOICE

tigress dances like i dance. badly

GAYS BEIN GAY

SLAY CLEANERS GET IT

the little faculty dance showcases is also fantastic. get bellum'd. maelstrom's doing a mickey mouse clubhouse ass dance. cleo is slaying

the mystery: is coach brunt saying "let me know" or "lambkins, oh" its the first one but i thought it was the latter for a long time

THE GROUP SHOT!!

never noticed the mechanic waving her little wrench around. there are a bunch of cute motions like the gays being gayer, a cleaner singing into his mop, and ivy pumping the air with her fist

anyway, SORRY! this was long af! my bad! it's a lot to cover and. kind of hard to liveblog when there are so many options. if anyone got this far, i hope you enjoyed it! see ya next week for season 3!!

and, yes, i was later again. more late than usual, actually. i've been busy with art fight >:)

[sharonisthebettercarter]

So much suffering could've been easily avoided, had Billy's musty ass learn to calm the fuck down and instead of moping around, he should've took anger management classes before s3 ep 3. I understand it's very common for younger kids to look up to adults because Ryan probably admired Billy and now he let Ryan down.

If Ryan shuts Billy (and Shitlander) down next season, I'd say he deserved it. I know Billy's life have been hard too and I had compassion for him as well, but that's never an excuse to treat others like Billy did to Ryan in ep 3, s3. (I'd be) Glad Ryan (might be) mature enough to realize it was Billy's own fault that he decided to gaslight him.

Ryan has every right to cut billy off because at this point Billy is going to deflect and turn his back on everybody (like he did in the comics). Billy (like 🍇lander) will just brainwash Ryan with his own issues and turn him into a minion and i will never trust him around kids after using that infant and threatening to unalive children too. Yeah he didn’t kill a child (yet) but Ryan (nor any child) should get mixed up in his toxic bullshit. I wouldn't be surprised if he successfully unalives Neuman's daughter, like the unsentimental douchebag he is.

holy fuck anon! putting all your asks together in this but i'll try to respond as best i can between them (gonna put your shizz in italics), lmao there is a shit ton of ranting and i may do a little myself, don't mind me~<3

first off, that grapelander killed me because i have a sick sense of morbid humor but also wkuk the grapist

but i feel you, i get what you mean and for sure, billy is an enraging character that somehow manages to be less well adjusted and more fucking damaged than homie while having genuinely less garbage to show for on his 'shit has happened to me' roster. not even saying that as a dig at the guy but it becomes very very clear (and infuriating) when you actually read the comic or even just watch back the show. specifically, he doesn't have a single soft moment where he's being genuine with someone that isn't becca and it dives hard into that disturbing element.

the difference being that homelander has the power to do far far worse with much greater ease, but the craziest thing about that is that he generally doesn't and even in some cases (obviously not always, but james stillwell even mentions this in the comics, that homelander has incredible control over his temper) shows a remarkable sense of self control. and i think it shows for more that there's so much homelander chooses not to do at any given moment while billy is spending 1000% of his time and effort working towards these things, including chipping away at homelander's control (which as everyone keeps warning him is gonna fuck EVERYONE over!)

but billy is pretty much the next stage of what would happen to homelander if he actually did earn someone's love/learned to actually love them back. he latches on hard and it's borderline parasitic with how bad he can be and how he makes them his lifeline without actually addressing or working on any of his issues. his whole damn schtick is to drag homelander down to his level so they can duke it out. losing becca was a catalyst, but the reality is that it stopped being about her a long time ago. the real issue is his pride

that should be clear enough in his willingness to alienate ryan AND potentially and actually destroy whole buildings full of thousands of innocent bystanders just to get to ONE guy.

and the thing is, alienating ryan was completely unnecessary. it was billy being a preemptive cunt of 'i'm eventually going to hurt/disappoint this kid, so let me just make it easier on myself by doing it on purpose now instead of actually trying because trying is too hard.'

WELP. y'know billy, maybe if you hadn't done that, the kid would have kicked his grape daddy in the balls and left with you at the end of the season instead~!

but it should say enough that he actually said the words (more/less) "nah, it'll be years before ryan can take him(homelander) on" in regards to using him like a weapon against said grape daddy...

I hope fans turn against trashlander when seasons 4-5 rolls, after its revealed homelander is a shitty, unsupportive parent who's ruining his kid. I also hope they realize Creeplander was given a choice to go to the light side, leave vought, and call them out on their shit, numerous times, yet he refused and then killed or tried to kill the people who offered him such. This man has made his choice MANY TIMES, AFTER choosing to fall to the dark side in the first place. Why should he be offered yet another chance? And why would he expected to make a different choice? And even if he did, why should he be considered eligible for redemption? He can’t un-murder all those innocent people, he can’t un-torture his victims. He does not want to be redeemed.

But if they wanna keep having the flying creep in a wholesome light, then go do that, mother teresa. Imma see this dude get folded by kryptonian dogs

listen... i gotta level with ya...

as much as trashlander is accurate, and as much as i look forward to the coming chaos and destruction and blood and death~<3<3<3 excuse me~

that is an unlikely hope when we got fucking rape apologists in fandom. just. i gotta be real.

and homie's not gonna be the shitty unsupportive type parent. don't get me wrong, he will absolutely be shitty. but less 'you're a fucking disgrace and i'm going to abuse the shit out of you' so much as... 'my kid is perfect and can do no wrong ever' entitled parent nightmare. he's going to be supportive... in all the worst and most horrible ways, enabling the shit out of ryan to be terrible (you remember that little smirk ryan got at the very end of s3? think more of that type of shit, tho i do think it may become too much for ryan to handle, right now, homie is the only person telling him what he would want to hear and providing him with **dangerously unconditional 'love' while he's in a very vulnerable place)

that being said, there haven't been instances where homelander's been presented with any real chances to leave vought. and i'm going to say this because it comes from a place of first hand experience with abuse.

homelander is trauma bonded to vought. yes, they abused and did so much terrible shit to him, but they were still his 'parent', his 'mother' or 'creator'. and when someone is trauma bonded to family? especially in a place where *family* and love is the ONLY thing you long for and the ONLY thing that you have? it is NOT that simple to be presented with an 'out' and just take it.

especially when you have nowhere to go.

abused is a precarious place to be put in (never say that people choose this, they don't). because it is not always obvious, it is not always painful, but it is unbearably blinding. it is a vicious cycle that continually hurts you. but it also offers you comfort, and love, and everything you could possibly want... without ever actually following through or instead giving you the bare minimum to keep you addicted. and most people don't realize they are STUCK in the cycle until it's dug its claws in and won't let go, or until it's gone too far.

but it is NEVER a choice. it is a specific psychological response and preconditioning that is extremely difficult or even impossible to break through and break free from.

abuse victims never want the abuse. what they do want is to *fix* the situation and not abandon the people they love, even if they shouldn't love them. but it is not an easy place to be in, and it is not a choice either.

homelander doesn't want to abandon vought because they are all he's ever known, he doesn't want to be abused either. he wants to fix it, and even if that's a lost cause, he doesn't see that because vought robbed him of the ability to see that. by making him BELIEVE in them and having control of his life since before he was even born.

he never had a choice and he still doesn't have one because no one has shown him that he does.

sorry for the lecture, but for me that subject hits way too close to home and any time i can correct misinformation or prevent victim blaming, i am who i am.

anywho. agreed that 'redemption' may still not be the best choice for homelander's situation. not to say it's impossible, but he also DID become an abuser and has hurt countless people. and you're right, none of those people will get a second or their lives back. but i think there is also something to be said about what homie could do to make up for it/how many more he could save if he did make different choices (even if unlikely, lmao)

comics homie is actually a different (even more fucked up and tragic story) who honestly might have chosen to go back to being 'good' post epiphany/reveal if he'd had the choice, but i digress.

i am looking forward to him flying off the deep end tho~<3

Ryan needs to ditch Homelander (and Billy) to secure his future and live his own life because at the end of the day, it's all about control (especially when it comes to the flying cunt). Ryan will not only lose his childhood, but lose his adulthood as well, the past and future being stolen from him, unless he manages to escape the flying cunt (and Billy too because fuck him and Ryan has every right to not forgive a poor excuse of a human being too) to make his future secured and his life not ruined any further than it is. Also, tell vought to fuck off too.

I also hope he find some strangers who will genuinely help him and treat him right than those scumbags (and Mallory too because she sus).

Get orchiectomy when he's of age because if I came from a fucked up bloodline and surrounded by fucked up people on a daily basis, I'd do the same too (I mean I wouldn't blame him at all if he did that)

Change his identity legally and move to a different ass Country because start anew.

agreed that ryan is pretty much better off without any of those mofos lmao. like honestly, he's too good for half of fandom advocating for his fucking death as they dick ride soldier boi. i don't care how handsome any of them are, ryan is a fucking child, becca's child, not a goddamn hot potato to be tossed around or cooked.

castration is a little extreme even with his powers i'm gonna say. i mean i kinda get what you mean but at the end of the day, we are not our bloodlines. ryan isn't his father and you def recognize that so i think he could move on with his life without necessarily going that far.

mallory is def sus but i still love her and i actually think the likeliest option is that ryan ends up saved after the whole scorched earf debacle (for real this time) and then adopted by annie and hughie in the end.

Despite the fact that Ryan really has been given the shit end of the stick in the reality he calls life. I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually becomes something without forgiveness, and he certainly becomes a part of some unforgivable acts, but really haven't been given the chance to thrive and succeed. It's gonna be sad, because I think Ryan would have been entirely different had he been given a chance. But chances can possibly be too late for him, or something will happen that emphasizes that.

However, depending on how seasons 4-5 goes, he should grow a backbone ditch both homelander and Billy because he can do better w/o them because all that poor boy wanted is to find a place where he is loved, safe, and appreciated. Yet, every time he finds that, it gets ripped away from him. I can't imagine what outcome he will have to suffer next. I fear what comes.

...

i almost don't want to do this to you but the irony is just too fucking poetically palpable.

LIKE FATHER. LIKE SON. and so the cycle fucking continues... jesus fucking christ fuck me.

'growing a backbone' is easier said than done. one of the pain points of the general hero genre is to teach us to protect those who cannot protect themselves. and what the boys does is take that ideal and put it through the meatgrinder of reality. we often don't do this in real life.

that's supposed to sorta be the lesson taught with lenny. he didn't 'choose' to 'sink', no one does. you could argue that the world is tough and people need to be stronger (like billy's toxic piece of shit sperm donor), but i would argue the world needs to be softer for those that won't be able to keep up or who are vulnerable.

one suicide is too many. what are we really doing if we let so many people fall that far?

EVERYONE deserves to feel loved, safe, and appreciated... and it's the lack of those things that CREATES monsters of men.

I've seen kids manage to leave their fucked up situations, despite difficulty. It's going to be simple though. Besides, not all strangers are bad, right? In fact Ryan had better luck with those he doesn't know very well- like kimiko- than he has with his own family. Buuuut, who knows how long can that 'luck' last.

Sure he has his maternal aunt and grandmother, but welcome him w/ open arms?? If a child comes to your doorstep, saying they're you're nibling (the child of your sibling) and grandchild, along w/ your sister and daughter dead because they accidentally killed her?

Because his entire life has been out of his control from being raised in a hermit place because of satan dad and vought, to the death of his mother, to his mom's so called 'husband' gaslighting him, and now satan dad most likely forcing Ryan to distance himself from others, and then said father involving Ryan in murderous plots and promising him family in return which he will never provide. Yeah, Ryan had zero control.

If it ever happens, a group of people (or supes such as super-duper), could be the point where he actually has a say, his freedom, and a support network and hopefully he embraces it but... It might not be a happy ending, depending on how things go in his future. And that is depressing.

Better to leave the hell he's in now than staying. Also, he can defend himself (for obvious reasons), until he finds some strangers who genuinely want to help him, rather than hinder him and the best way to survive in a new environment is to learn from the locals. He should fight tooth and nail to cut ties w/ shit from his past and no longer associate with it as he starts to get better because if I was him, I wouldn't even go back.

Unless something in him clicks in, which he feels he has to go back, as if there's (a) haunting shadow(s) constantly following him. People underestimate the power abuse can have over a victim. You even got oppressed nations or people glorifying their own oppressors/abusers in the real world. he might not be raging and trying to kill anyone right now, but he might clearly mistrustful.

i'm gonna take a moment to get a bit more serious and mention survivor's bias. (i'm also assuming you mean '*not* that simple' hopefully??)

but keep in mind and this more a guesstimate outta my ass so don't quote me on it. but while it's great that those kids get out of those shitty situations, keep in mind that for every 10 kids that do, you might have a 100 more that don't. (just look at the foster system or pedo church rings, sorry, yuck, i know... but there are a lot more child victims that suffer in silence than we could ever know)

and for ryan, yeah, i for sure hope that he is able to get out of it all and get into a better situation, at the same time you have to remember that he is a just a child. he is not going to manage that on his own and things are likely to get worse before they get better.

i don't think becca's family would reject him tho because shocker, i REALLY don't think they'd be like BILLY~! especially with ryan being the last piece of becca left. i do think they might have some fears or be wary, but i do think grams and sister would just be happy to have him and the closure

LMAO AT 'SATAN DAD', can vouch for that. tho to be fair... satan is a GREAT daddy~ but an AWFUL dad... ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) (i cannot resist and i am not sorry.)

but yeah, i think the ideal here would be for ryan to NOT become either of his 'father' figures

and what is all this shit at the last part??? see you DO get it! just try not to forget that billy and homie are also products of their upbringing. but they WERE ryan at one point too. innocent kids that didn't deserve what the world gave and *didn't* give to them...

billy got out of it but carries every fucking scar with him and it still has an ironclad hold on him. homelander still hasn't gotten out. ryan is a snowball waiting to happen.

ugh, this shit gets depressing but you ranted, i ranted, we all had good fun and great discussion of these shitheads and i am looking forward to the new season~!

fuck me this is long, and thanks for comin' to my ted talk.

[padfootdaredmetoo]

Hi may I just say your writing is honestly one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL thing I've ever read??? I've been mentally struggling recently so naturally I turn to fanfics for distraction and comfort. And your fic honestly did everything for me. it had me giggling and then cry a little, feeling warm from head to toes, feeling happy and temporarily "healed" for the first time in months. Like in Mean Boyfriend,

“Run. And always run to me. All of that is nonsense, if you ever need to fight, you will.” He chuckled. “Lots of fight in you. Lot’s of progress too.”

May I say I legit tear up when I read that? Like that's one of the most beautiful and powerful sentences I've ever read. And not to mention

He said I used to freeze up, now I run away. Eventually I’ll fight, then I’ll be sorted. It’s progress. It’s not bad, just new.”

The way that it's both humorous and empowering is CRAZY, and it sounds so much like something Arthur would say/do. Every single fic you figured out so well with the reaction and personality of each character. it's the fact that I want to write a mini essay on how good each fic is, the family bond, the love, the emotions, and the thought process of the reader makes them feel so real and relatable, and the logic is legit. Plus, you really aren't lying when you said "super comfort fic", I vouch for that. It is exactly what I need at the moment, even if just as an puny and coward escape from reality. it's like making fruit preserves in spring to save them up for winter. I have to ration the fics so I don't read them all at once. I can't express how grateful and lucky I am having come across your writings. Your masterlist is like a box and treasure for me now, I know for fact I am going to have an extremely hard month and now I feel a little braver knowing I have something to turn to when shit about to go down. and you handle every request so gracefully and kindly. As a writer who has only just started writing and just received my first request recently, you are like a role model.

Just want to say that your writing really helped a stranger in ways you couldn't have imagined. Sending lots of love. Thank you.

Hey Love,

I don't know what to say. This is possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I started this blog as my own escape from reality, honestly nothing cowardly about it. Sometimes when your life is challenging, or you don't have the support you need the best thing you can do is create it for yourself. I learned a ton about myself through writing on here. Especially about my feelings towards fathers, family, and how I think it should be vs. what I grew up in.

That line about fighting was very much reflected by something I was going through at the time. I think it's super cool that it impacted you similarly as it was very emotional for me to write it.

Super Comfort Fic is the realm I like best. The world is already so painful so I like writing things where the characters overcome obstacles and get better together.

I am so beyond happy that my work helped you out. My blog is always open and my version of the Shelby family will always be there for you.

Also, I am so so so glad you started writing yourself. Requests or not I encourage you to write as much as you can.

Lots of love and hugs,

Jamie

[fandomfluffandfuck]

the way you’re so onboard with alba just shows that you’re most likely a white person who doesn’t care about nazism and racism. y’know, cuz those things don’t affect you, right?

btw your “angel” posted her own nudes on ig for everyone, including chris’ underage nieces, to see. glad to know that’s who you’re supporting.

check your privilege please

related to this

Normally, I don't engage in stuff like this for a variety of reasons... anon critique and/or hate tends to be motivated purely to solicit a reaction, yet there's only a small chance the person that sent this will actually ever see (or read, for that matter) my response, I'm not a gossip blog, nor am I the place people come for hard-hitting discussions on issues like racism, antisemitism, homophobia/transphobia, sexism, misogyny, ableism, or any of the other awful human-made categories of hate that plague us. I'm a fantasy blog--hence the fact that I do fictional as well as real person ships. But, I do occasionally post stuff about the real lives of the people that I include in this fantasy blog--that's what the tag "real life real people" is. It's for others to filter if they want. That's why I tag those kinds of posts in such a way. (Alba is also always tagged, filter that way, too, if you like). I occasionally post that kind of stuff because sometimes, it's fun to post about the real lives of these people I have a parasocial relationship to. And its fun to have somewhere for people to express their excitement of/for those people. Personally, I'm much more partial to allowing excitement than negativity. It's my space, I do curate it extensively.

That being said, yes, I'm white. I'm a man, and I'm mostly straight-passing unless I deliberately out myself to others. I have a lot of privileges. I won't and don't deny that.

Nor will I deny that I haven't done really any research on Alba--the tags for her and Chris these days are nearly always full of hate or extensive theories when I check them, so... I avoid them. It's my peragotive to mostly stay out of the tags, though. I know that. I don't know Alba. For that fact, I don't know Chris. All I have to go off of is appearances. I do hope they're happy. They're just people. I also hope she's not still saying the awful, harmful things she has in the past--leaning to your side, and assuming that there are receipts. I hope she's listening and learning.

As far as posting her nudes to her Instagram--she's a grown woman. It's her body, her account, and the internet has always had places that are unsafe for children. She doesn't control who follows her, and she's famous. Many people follow her. I don't assume she wanted children to stumble across those photos. And if they did, that truly sucks. Children being unwantedly exposed to sexual content is not to be taken lightly. I can see how damaging that might be (God knows I've had a shit ton of experiences like that myself, from my younger years with even less protections on social media) even while holding the overarching opinion that bodies are bodies and nudity shouldn't be so sexualized as it is in our puritanical society. Although, yes, of course, nude photos intended to be sexually charged are much different to bodies being bodies.

While I'm very unsure that you will see this, let alone read it, I will conclude this post saying that this is as much as I want to post about this: I understand the underlying frustration you have, and I hear you. I do. I could--I can do much more to be a better ally as a white man to dismantling racist systems and holding racist people accountable. I am always trying, truly. However, for the purpose of this blog, I don't want to engage further.

Thank you.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

random

So much in my life has changed the past few years. I broke up with someone who was making me feel small. And the more space I've had from him and that relationship, I've realized it was what it was, which was pretty awful overall. And this constant like, fucked up shit around like, realization of how horrible the relationship was. And the fucked thing about dynamics like that is like, there were also good and positive things and connection and interest. But I've heard more about him and his fucked up behavior. And I'm really glad that I'm not around it him or that shit anymore.

With that, I've grown a lot from. However, it's also made me sad because like, I keep ending up in these situations of giving people chances and chances over and over. It's because I try really hard to believe in people because no one believes in each other. I keep getting stuck in this dynamic. And it's fucking so confusion because I keep getting fucked over by people. lol. Like, why do I keep giving people chances? excuses? I don't know. I don't get it.

So then I think back to when my parents were still married. I liked my dad. I truly did. He did fun things with my sister and I. He brought us outside and did fun things with us. He bought us things. We got to see his job. But then there was also a side of terror that I felt around him. There are so many random fucked up memories I have related to him. So many random things. Plus the abuse. So it's like, okay the first man in my life, my dad, I am supposed to like, feel safe and cared for by him. He loves me. He's supposed to not abuse me, etc. And then when my mom left him, she had to do it in a way where her friend helped her pack up as much as she could and we left. I didn't say bye to anyone. My mom did it all in secret.

So then, I am supposed to like, see my dad. Act as if everything is fine. I didn't for a long time after the divorce. The first time I saw him, I was so scared. Then he made me think my mom was feeding me bad shit about him. But that fucked with me hard because I witnessed his abuse. I was one of his victims. So then it's like, why and how am I supposed to be begin to understand like, how the things my mom said that were like, exactly my own memories of him were fucked up and wrong and that my mom was a crazy bitch.

So there's the beginning of me like, somehow wanting to believe in people and hear their sides because people deserve chances. Partly because I still loved my dad, even though he did some fucked up shit. And I wanted him to be okay and maybe I wanted him to be okay so it would feel better for me to love him, still. I don't know.

So my first relationship with a man was violent. And he was violent toward my mom, my sister, and myself. And he's never acknowledged any of it. Or apologized. He's always blamed my mom. And since I have stopped talking to him, I know he blames me. But he is never at fault. It's totally insane to me.

Then I ended up with someone very similar when I'm 18. But before that, I was used by men and experienced so much violence by so many. Anything from being told I have to show my tits for cigarettes, to cat calls, to being hit on while I'm working at McDonald's, to the entitlement my stepdad had over all of us, to the dude who raped me when I was 17, to the McDonald's coworker who stalked me, to the multiple men who were not clear about intentions and used me for sexual things, etc. etc. So I got pregnant at age 18 by a dude who was manipulative and abusive. I know I've written a shit ton on that relationship.

Then this last ex, it's the same fucking shit. The same fucking shit after all the god damn trauma fucking therapy I've done. I still end up dating a dude who has been accused multiple times of rape, as well as like, raped me. And it's been so stupidly fucking hard to say that he did that. But when I take a step-back from it, I know that's what happened. It's just so fucking weird because I have so many doubts about it and I don't really get why. I don't fully trust myself with what actually happened and I don't know why. I forget the details and then they come back and then I'm like, omg this is clique. Which I don't even know why this is happening or coming up either! Then I think of feedback I've gotten from friends and one friend said that our sexual relationship was so unbalanced and unequal. And all this shit is continuing to be so fucking frustrating because I try so hard to communicate my needs and wants with people, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. But then, yet, I still want to believe and trust people.

The most recent example of this is watching a college friend slowly turn incel. Then he continues to spout his insanity at me and expecting me to like, just listen. His latest rant was about trans people and issues. I just can't engage with him anymore. And I was only realizing this shit after telling my partner about it. He said this is a pattern: men using you and you're loyal to people. And it's like, why does this loyalty fuck me over? It's this pattern of giving people so many chances because I believe in people.

Then this gets into these thoughts of me thinking - am I just crazy? What is it about me that makes people treat me the way they do? Because it fucking keeps happening? Or am I like, selfish and self-involved for even thinking that? Am I self-involved for thinking that people are treating me shitty, but they actually aren't?

I'm also so tired of processing this shit. I've accepted it's there and that horrible, shitty emotions will keep coming up. And I will I guess, keep at it. But I don't want to. I want to be fucking done with it because it's exhausting. And I get into this headspace of thinking I'm like, good, I've processed it, whatever whatever. But it keeps coming up because other men fucking bring it up because of their own fucking shitty as behavior. This shit is inescapable. I'm sick of giving them space and time and attention.

[leprosycock]

God thank you for everything and all you do for the jlud community, the founding and community of it all.

I’m going to be honest, your work scares me sometimes but it also doesn’t miss!! I love your art, collages and fics, they are so fascinating and descriptive I want to print them out and eat it I’m not even kidding I really love them so much.

With their dynamic only evolving from admiration to friends to co workers and more, I’m excited for what the future of the jlud community entails :)

I also wanted to ask whether you’d be writing more based on this new development in the ship, and also what inspires your creative drive? And as a genuine question, are you doing alright lately?

Take care and best of luck on future endeavours:))

i didn't found it all by myself!! it couldn't have possibly gotten where it is now unless there weren't a lot of talented people working as hard as me to get it off the ground. i really appreciate that you engage with my work despite it being intimidating, that's super sweet and i'm glad you enjoy it so much! <333

i'm REALLY interested to see where things are going to go........ it'll have to depend entirely on what streamer projects offbrand engages with and that's all up to chance, so we'll just have to pay strict attention. i doubt the ship is going to grow enormously like it did over streams like juiced and beerio kart, but i'm fine with that as long as what we have rn is alive. and i get extra notes and attention on meta and art and fics that i post in the tags every day, so as long as it continues to garner curiosity and attention, it'll keep thriving, however tiny of a community it has.

i'll ABSOLUTELY be writing more based on this development. i have a lot of stuff going on in the meantime alongside all my wips that i talked about the other day and a lot of art and shit that i want to make. as far as my creative drive goes, part of it is just debilitating autism but another part of it is that i just want SOOO badly to make things. i want to make collages and i want to make sculptures and i want to make illustrations and i want to make pieces of prose. my brain is just so insanely active and a lot of it is trauma-busted, so making a ton of weird shit is an easy way for me to vent and divert attention to a more interesting, horny, and lively place. i'm just really passionate about art and i think more (all) of it needs to be weird and i want to put more of that out there.

i'm doing okay!! money is really tight as per usual but i have a super exciting full-time opportunity coming up that'll really improve things if i don't blow it. plus it'll give me a ton of time to write and draw which i'm really looking forward to. i have a tiny dog that i love so very much and i've been sticking to a diet that's kept me from having acid reflux and migraines and crazy fatigue. good things are coming! thank you for asking! <33

[timeoverload]

It feels like I have the whole world on my shoulders right now and I am overwhelmed as always. I wish I could fix everything. I am feeling so alone even though I know I'm not. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't like feeling miserable all the time. I don't like being so depressed because it's making everything harder.

I walked into a disaster today. The person who did eyes on Friday left me a mess and all of the pans were disorganized. It took a while to get everything sorted out. It didn't help that I was already angry before I walked in the building. I've had a short fuse all day.

I was in decontam this morning and I had to listen to the morning team lead and the repair man bitch about their wives. It really bothered me. I hope that my husband never talks shit about me behind my back like that. It made me sad for their wives and they deserve better.

I was frustrated because this person in my department keeps coming in while they are sick. They will lose their job if they call in again so they have to be there. I don't think that's fair to everyone else. They had to wear a mask and I was wearing mine all day. Hopefully that will prevent me from getting sick too. I don't want to get written up or have to work while I'm sick.

I was trying to eat my breakfast and my friend who works at the front desk came to ask me if I had heard back about any jobs. She was one of my references. I was embarrassed to tell her that I had not heard anything. I didn't want to tell her where I applied because I didn't want more people to find out. I don't want to feel humiliated.

My autoclave also broke again. This is the second week in a row that it's happened. The cycle completed and the door wouldn't open. I had 2 pans in there that I ne eded to take out. The 2 autoclaves I use have been in the hospital since before our department was even built. They just moved them when they built our department. I think they are at least 15 years old. I spent 20 minutes trying to get the door to unseal before I gave up and texted my boss to call it in. I have to be more careful with the older autoclaves. One of mine almost blew up a couple years ago. The pressure in the chamber was too high and it started making scary noises. Steam started shooting out and I'm glad that I wasn't standing right in front of it at the time. I had to go in the back room and shut it off before it did any damage. Thankfully everything was fine after I shut it off. Before I worked there, one of those older autoclaves actually blew up. It created so much force, that it sent the heavy metal door flying across the department. It would have seriously injured someone if they were in the way. I hope I never have to experience that happening. Sometimes I forget how dangerous they are because I'm around them constantly. I have gotten my hands and arms burned so many times over the years. I don't get them so much anymore, but I remember getting a burn on my arm that was so bad that I had to fill out an incident report. I don't have a lot of feeling in my fingertips anymore from touching hot stuff. I have gotten steam burns on my face and that wasn't very fun. I guess I have grown used to being in a hazardous environment.

I was so busy most of the day. I was irritated because the coordinator was putting sterile stuff away for me and she dropped 6 things in less than an hour. I had to redo them. I appreciate her helping me put stuff away but sometimes I feel like she creates more work for me on purpose. It is unusual for anyone to drop that much, but she is often careless and stacks a ton of instruments on a tiny tray. It stresses me out because I work hard on those. I guess she doesn't care because she's not the one that has to redo them. I think she might still be holding a grudge against me ever since I had an episode in the coordinators' office a couple years ago. I wish I wouldn't have done that, but I felt like I couldn't control myself at the time. I have been trying not to do anything like that since then. Now I just lock myself in the bathroom and cry when I get frustrated.

I really want a job that I won't have to complain about. I wish that I didn't take my work home with me. I can't help it because it consumes my existence. I have no balance and nothing else going on in my life.

I thought I was going to have to stay late tonight because they were taking forever to get done and everyone else was busy. I got lucky and I got out of there right on time. I guess that's one good thing that happened today.

I came home and got in an argument with my dad. I don't want to talk about it too much. I just don't do well with debates a lot of the time and they make me anxious. I really don't like to do that. They can be overstimulating for me because it takes longer for me to process information than other people so it makes it hard to come up with a response quickly. I get frustrated when I can't find the right words to say so I explode sometimes. That's why I like to write more because I can take more time to think. I don't like to argue with my dad. I'm generally not a confrontational person. Everything is fine. I'm fine. My sister was really sweet and she texted me to make sure I was ok. It helped me calm down. She is so nice but I don't hear stuff like that from her very often because she is so quiet. I said I was sorry because I don't like acting like that and that I don't want to set a bad example for her. I told her I loved her and that I was proud of her.

I have been too anxious since I got home to do anything. It's getting late already. I don't think I will eat much tonight because my stomach is upset and I have cramps. I ate a little bit. I just wish I had someone around that would bring me tacos because that's the only thing that sounds good right now. Everything hurts. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I don't want to get up early tomorrow. I am sorry for being so grumpy and I'm full of complaints. I know someday I won't be like this anymore. I think I need to make myself get ready for bed now. I really hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow.

I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. Thanks for listening to me vent. 💖💖💖

[martintmedina]

2022 A Year in Review

Another lap around the sun and a great year officially in the books.

Every year I try and summarize my thoughts on the last year and it seems like every year I get more shit done as I evolve and grow as a person. It’s crazy to see the progression from getting to college til now in my career, I’ve been steadily putting this work in for years and don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

Before breaking down the year need to say a major THANK YOU! I appreciate all the support over the years and every single person in my life is a blessing. This year was a really big comeback year for me, the pandemic in 2020 and that post pandemic 2021 was really weird, I feel like the isolation got to everyone and then getting back to normal was a strange transition but this year we’re all the way back.

Started the year off solid and kept it going all year working hard and running up the bag. Really glad this year was a solid year of uninterupted work and I worked harder than ever to make more money than ever. Really needed it after I lost my job and learned so many lessons from going back to being broke but as an adult. We’re all the way back and stronger after that time though. It made me a beast and really proved I can step up and work my ass off. I worked nonstop through SOBEWFF, MMW, etc all going hard week after week with no vacations I really was locked in and focused on that bag. Focused on leveling up and getting better as I keep continuously improving and growing as a person and a professional. Personally and professionally this year was great and an amazing opportunity to grow.

Even while spending time working I was able to enjoy my time at work seeing homies working, enjoying some good music, and creating some images to capture incredible moments.

Work was great did some good work for SOBEWFF, then Music Week was fantastic and the first year of F1 MIA was also a huge success. Really pushed myself to be the most professional I can be and always deliver above and beyond for clients.

Rolling Loud once again was amazing to work with the whole team over at The Flowery again. We cooked up some great content and I’m excited to work on some new stuff for the new year. We did some cool little projects throughout the year and I’m really blessed to continue to learn and grow as a creative and a professional and grateful for everyone who helps me push myself as a professional to get better every day.

Shortly after I finally got my own spot. Those that have known me for a while know I’ve been working to get my own crib to be closer to work for a long time. It’s still a work in progress but I’m really liking how everything is coming out so far. Huge shoutout to my brother Andrew for hooking it up with the jersey and Allison for the art. Still got some more decorating to do but those pieces are at the centerpiece of the office. I’m very happy with how everything is looking, even though I’ve got a few upgrades to make but it’s getting more homey by the day. It’s definitely been an adjustment moving there but by now I’m really settled into the new space and it’s really coming together nicely. It’s a new crib in a new neighborhood but really getting used to living here and enjoying the space. Close to fam and close to work it’s really a blessing to have my own space. Been saying it’s essentially my live in office which is totally true it’s like basically my office with a kitchen and my bedroom which is just for sleeping. I’m excited for my office to grow up to take more space in the apartment too I’ve still got a bunch more equipment to get and want to get some storage for gear and some more stuff to make my work better and easier.

Back on the work front, Basel was a smash. Wasn’t super wild but was very smooth and still ran it up and tons of the pics went viral. Really locked in on the grind and dialed in on my workflow. Professionally feel like the year has been a big level up for me, my work and confidence in my work has gone up tremendously. I truly believe nobody can do what I do how I do it and I showed that during Basel. Then I enjoyed some much needed family time and closed the year out great with the fam and working up until the end on NYE.

Gotta give a huge shoutout to the whole team really on go all year my brothers stepped up. Appreciate all the clients we work with trusting us. Appreciate all my peers who constantly show me respect and spread love even while we all dealing with some bs.

Speaking of teams…

ARGENTINA CAMPEON DEL MUNDO! Finally! The World Cup was wonderful and I enjoyed watching the games, getting up early, catching games after work and watching some great games with the homies. The Cup was absolutely nuts but glad the home team came out on top.

IF YOU WANT TO READ MORE OF MY THOUGHTS ON THAT READ HERE

On the personal front, really crushed it in the gym shoutout to my brother Derek we went hard but next year we’re going even harder believe that! Still getting warmed up and dialed in so as I keep figuring it out I’m continuing to keep leveling up the gains are going to keep coming. Really happy with the measurable progress I’ve made too especially as a vegan have managed to gain muscle mass, increase strength, and lose a bit of fat. Continuing to dial in especially on my diet but every day I’m making progress and really seeing the changes in front of my eyes.

This year I was very mindful to stay fully focused and present in everything I do. I have tried to improve my focus and it’s still an ongoing battle but I’m getting better every day at really locking in on the task at hand and giving it my best with my undivided attention. It’s easy to get caught up in a million things especially with how connected all our devices are these days.

I want to continue to work on improving my focus and reducing distractions which in turn helps me waste time on my phone less and frees up time for productive activities. Need to get back to my roots and connect with new people and spend time in the streets all over the world.

Very happy overall life is good in the hood and the progress is trending in the right direction. I’m ready for more!

The one thing I didn’t do much of, cause I was locked in working, was I didn’t do as much travel as I wanted. Despite the lack of travel in 2022, I’ve been working on planning some cool trips for 2023 with a couple lined up in the first few months. Also hoping that new opportunities to travel for work also manifest themselves in the future. Would love to string some gigs together for an extended trip and take this tour on the road. I love challenging myself and pushing my comfort zone and I hope to do more of that in the future both personally and professionally.

As always here’s a playlist of songs I really enjoyed:

Locked in and focused! Let’s love more! Spread good energy!

See you in 2023

marty

check out the other editions of my yearly recap:

https://martintmedina.com/yearinreview