#MY UNCLE

[mx-giraffe]

The other day I got my uncle to watch the first episode of the jshk anime, and we got to the bit where Teru rejects that girl, right?

My uncle pauses the episode, turns to me, points at the screen and says “Jasper. That boy, he’s gay. Jasper that is a gay man if I have ever seen one. That’s why he keeps rejecting people. He’s gay, Jasper. Just look at his face, Jasper, that boy is gay. Yashiro is never going to get anywhere in a relationship with him, because that boy is gay”

I think it is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard anyone with no knowledge of the series say.

Like have you guys SEEN how Teru and Akane-kun act together?

[pleasegivejinlingabreak]

"jiang fengmian sending jiang cheng's dogs away was not such a big deal, jiang cheng was simply overreacti-

Stop, there. You've never had a dog, have you?

[batcastlesociety]

i've seen people call fictional characters their biological children and i think that's adorable! love that. go adopt your blorbos everyone, you only live once! with that aside, i'd like the void to meet my biological uncle

[janeway-lover]

A couple days ago, my uncle would've been 40. I didn't really get the chance to know him growing up; he died the day after my eighth birthday.

He used to work in food service, at a variety of restaurants, and he was apparently quite the character. So, here's my Uncle Doug's List of 79 Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Say Or Do At Work.

DISCLAIMER: My uncle was not responsible for every item on this list. This is a mix of things he's done, things he's witnessed, things he was told, and things he was warned about.

The Holy Roman Empire is no more, it dissolved in 1806, and therefore I am not the Holy Roman Emperor.

I am not allowed to restart the Holy Roman Empire so I can be the Holy Roman Emperor.

I am not the "Server King."

To solve and prevent all further issues, I have not, will not nor will ever be royal or nobility, and thus can not refer to myself as such.

I am not the "Server God."

I have not, will not nor ever will be a deity (added to #4).

I am not to refer to any member of management as royalty.

I am not to refer to any member of management as deities, regardless of good or evil.

I am not to refer to senior management as "daddy" and lower level management as "the fun uncle."

Management has names, and I should learn to use them.

I should only use Management's actual names, not the names I have assigned them.

The people at my tables are "guests" not "customers."

Again, the people at my tables are "guests" not "Tweedle-dee" and "Tweedle-dumbass."

#13 still applies to me even if my manager uses those terms to describe my "guests."

Laughter is not the correct response to assignments given to me by Management.

I may not file "Hostile Work Place" if I am considered the most intimidating person in the restaurant.

I am not allowed to measure the speed at which an empty whipped cream canister can move across the floor.

I am not allowed to race empty whipped cream canisters across the floor.

Gambling on #18 is also strictly prohibited.

I am not allowed to antagonize any members of management going through rehab or withdrawals.

I am not allowed to refer to management's meetings as "AA" or "just a bad idea in general."

All staff meetings are all staff meetings, not "an intervention for the GM."

I may not place all crucial items (keys, books, swipe cards, etc) at least 6 high if my manager is only 5'4".

"Really? Seriously?" is not a proper response to management.

I do not have the authority to appoint myself management in the absence of 1 or more managers.

Nor do I have the authority to replace a present manager.

The servers do not have the authority to vote a manager out "Survivor style."

Even if I try and contact the actual host of Survivor.

I am not to use the security cameras and microphones as a personal video diary like "Real World."

Managerial incompetence is not an excuse for my behavior.

Managerial incompetence is not to be mocked or documented (photos, audio recordings, video, etc).

If managerial incompetence is recorded, it may not be used as a desktop, ringtone, or posted on YouTube.

I am not allowed to openly defy rules to prove the inefficiency of the rule.

I am not allowed to strictly follow the rules to prove the inefficiency of the rule.

If I am following the rules, it is to be assumed that I am doing so with sarcastic intent.

To help simplify items 33, 34, and 35, for henceforth I am not allowed to follow rules. (I am serious, I was told I was no longer allowed to follow rules.)

Servers may not say "Thar she blows" when directing management to a table of guests. (Not me.)

I am not authorized to contact Playboy about a "Girls of [COMPANY]" issue.

#38 also applies to Playgirl and Penthouse.

I am not authorized to sell any decorations or non-food items (i.e. chairs, plants) found in the restaurant.

[COMPANY] policy is NOT "Sexual harassment will not be tolerated, but it will be graded" and I should not imply or tell new employees that it is.

I may not explain what classifies as an A+ in #41.

I may not tell a manager that no matter what she will never break a C- either.

There is no policy for Employee Happy Hour and I may not create one.

There is no 2 drink minimum before work.

If a breathalyzer is used at work, it is to ensure employees blow a .00, not to see who can serve the most tanked.

Regardless of #44, #45, and #46, no employee may show up more drunk than management.

I may not up-sell frozen non-alcoholic drinks just to piss off the bartender.

Servers must remember what color straw means alcoholic and which means non-alcoholic. This is especially important in serving children. (Not me.)

"To conquer small European countries" is not an acceptable response to what my goal is for the shift.

"To leave a blood skid that takes over a month to wash on I-45" is also not a proper response. (Not me, said by a coworker who rides a motorcycle to work on an icy day.)

"To shake daddy's little money maker to earn all the tips I can" is also not an appropriate response.

I am no longer allowed to come up with my own shift goals, they will be assigned to me.

I am not allowed to start a sentence with "I believe..."

Or "I think..."

I may not use the phrase "In my humble opinion..." since there is nothing humble about my opinion.

I am not "a nameless cog in [COMPANY]'s imperial system."

The Holy Roman Empire is no more, it dissolved in 1806, and therefore I am not the Holy Roman Emperor.

I am not allowed to restart the Holy Roman Empire so I can be the Holy Roman Emperor.

I am not the "Server King."

To solve and prevent all further issues, I have not, will not nor will ever be royal or nobility, and thus can not refer to myself as such.

I am not the "Server God."

I have not, will not nor ever will be a deity (added to #4).

I am not to refer to any member of management as royalty.

I am not to refer to any member of management as deities, regardless of good or evil.

I am not to refer to senior management as "daddy" and lower level management as "the fun uncle."

Management has names, and I should learn to use them.

I should only use Management's actual names, not the names I have assigned them.

The people at my tables are "guests" not "customers."

Again, the people at my tables are "guests" not "Tweedle-dee" and "Tweedle-dumbass."

#13 still applies to me even if my manager uses those terms to describe my "guests."

Laughter is not the correct response to assignments given to me by Management.

I may not file "Hostile Work Place" if I am considered the most intimidating person in the restaurant.

I am not allowed to measure the speed at which an empty whipped cream canister can move across the floor.

I am not allowed to race empty whipped cream canisters across the floor.

Gambling on #18 is also strictly prohibited.

I am not allowed to antagonize any members of management going through rehab or withdrawals.

I am not allowed to refer to management's meetings as "AA" or "just a bad idea in general."

All staff meetings are all staff meetings, not "an intervention for the GM."

I may not place all crucial items (keys, books, swipe cards, etc) at least 6 high if my manager is only 5'4".

"Really? Seriously?" is not a proper response to management.

I do not have the authority to appoint myself management in the absence of 1 or more managers.

Nor do I have the authority to replace a present manager.

The servers do not have the authority to vote a manager out "Survivor style."

Even if I try and contact the actual host of Survivor.

I am not to use the security cameras and microphones as a personal video diary like "Real World."

Managerial incompetence is not an excuse for my behavior.

Managerial incompetence is not to be mocked or documented (photos, audio recordings, video, etc).

If managerial incompetence is recorded, it may not be used as a desktop, ringtone, or posted on YouTube.

I am not allowed to openly defy rules to prove the inefficiency of the rule.

I am not allowed to strictly follow the rules to prove the inefficiency of the rule.

If I am following the rules, it is to be assumed that I am doing so with sarcastic intent.

To help simplify items 33, 34, and 35, for henceforth I am not allowed to follow rules. (I am serious, I was told I was no longer allowed to follow rules.)

Servers may not say "Thar she blows" when directing management to a table of guests. (Not me.)

I am not authorized to contact Playboy about a "Girls of [COMPANY]" issue.

#38 also applies to Playgirl and Penthouse.

I am not authorized to sell any decorations or non-food items (i.e. chairs, plants) found in the restaurant.

[COMPANY] policy is NOT "Sexual harassment will not be tolerated, but it will be graded" and I should not imply or tell new employees that it is.

I may not explain what classifies as an A+ in #41.

I may not tell a manager that no matter what she will never break a C- either.

There is no policy for Employee Happy Hour and I may not create one.

There is no 2 drink minimum before work.

If a breathalyzer is used at work, it is to ensure employees blow a .00, not to see who can serve the most tanked.

Regardless of #44, #45, and #46, no employee may show up more drunk than management.

I may not up-sell frozen non-alcoholic drinks just to piss off the bartender.

Servers must remember what color straw means alcoholic and which means non-alcoholic. This is especially important in serving children. (Not me.)

"To conquer small European countries" is not an acceptable response to what my goal is for the shift.

"To leave a blood skid that takes over a month to wash on I-45" is also not a proper response. (Not me, said by a coworker who rides a motorcycle to work on an icy day.)

"To shake daddy's little money maker to earn all the tips I can" is also not an appropriate response.

I am no longer allowed to come up with my own shift goals, they will be assigned to me.

I am not allowed to start a sentence with "I believe..."

Or "I think..."

I may not use the phrase "In my humble opinion..." since there is nothing humble about my opinion.

I am not "a nameless cog in [COMPANY]'s imperial system."

Even if #58 is true, I may not refer to myself as such.

Management are not the "bourgeoisie" and the servers are not the exploited "proletariat."

Management is not "The Man" and they are not "keeping us down."

I am not "Spartacus" and I may not lead a group of servers in proclaiming themselves "Spartacus" either.

There will not be an "Apron coup de tat." (#57 through #62 happened in one night. While another server was arguing with management, I would interrupt with the phrases listed.)

I may not question the legality and constitutionality of orders given to me.

Lobsters are food, not toys.

I may not high-five "guests" for making awkward passes at my managers.

In the event of conflict or dispute I am to let the managers handle it.

I am however supposed to intervene BEFORE the manager is punched.

I may not take punishment or criticism as compliments.

And yes, I am supposed to be able to tell which is which.

Servers may not speculate or place bets on which member of management knocked up the hostess.

No employee of [COMPANY] has ever or is currently using drugs and I may not speculate otherwise.

Hell is a biblical place of torment and is not a fitting description of my place of employment.

"I told you I could" and "Beat that" are not motivational phrases and may not be used in management reports.

If I am relieved of my employment I may not leave wearing "only an apron and a smile."

If I do leave the restaurant in "only an apron and a smile" it will count as my resignation.

Espresso shot contest is not an acceptable way to kill time on an overnight shift.

Despite my, and the boxes, objections I AM allowed to set off bug bombs in the restaurant.

"I have a headache, and I hope I survive the night" is not an acceptable entry in manager's log after being told to stay in the building after setting off the bug bombs.

"I am just that damn good" is apparently arrogant and should not be my response to any employee review.

I don't remember a whole lot about my uncle, but the fact that he used to work in the same industry I'm currently working in makes me feel a little closer to him. And also I AM going to save some of these for conversations with my managers.

[maurypovichofficial2]

Random. But it’s missing Robin Williams hours sorry.

[immortalbutterflycos]

Guess who's in the direct path of this hurricane~

[the-barrel-man]

My pops found this butterfly caterpillar inside a corn cob he was peeling! Pretty cool!

[genderflu1dwh0r]

My uncle makes 3d printed stuff

[loudblonde]

Sometimes we take silence for granted

My sister is learning how to cook(she is 18). And the meat has never been drier(its traditionally only the mens job in family to cook at all, nothing macho about it, at all). I appreciate the fuck out of her but I am looking forward to when she starts figuring things out.

[jisreal64]

HAPPY SOLAR ECLIPSE DAY TO EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES!!! ☀️🌓🌒🌑

[confusionmeisss]

my uncle called me up on the telephone the other day, right, and we’re talking & he asks, he’s like, “so when are you gonna come over and hang out with me?” and i’m like, “i dunno.” and he’s like “what do you mean you don’t know??” and it’s like man i don’t know idk means idk what do u want me to say here???? like i can’t drive. and it’s not like when i was 7 anymore unfortunately.

[not-sure-what-im-feeling]

Throwback to that time I said "alphabet mafia" in front of my uncle (gay) and became the reason that he has likely said it in front of coworkers by now

[aiiaiiiyo]

[windandwater]

there's more funeral & post-funeral stuff but actually I could only write this one before I got so overwhelmed by sadness I had to stop writing so here it is.

My uncle who spoke about my dad (youngest of seven, my dad is no. 4) said that my dad was the one to take him to the library all the time. The first book my dad put in front of his face was The Hobbit. He wasn't much for reading but when his oldest son came around what was the first book he made him read (once he was old enough)? yeah.

[just-a-little-bit-of-sugar]

I see my uncle in cardinals because my mother taught me so, but I see him too in beach balls and Live Laugh Love and flamboyant joy. I did not know him long, yet late at night I whisper about my life in the hopes that maybe somewhere he is listening. I would have liked to know him as I am now, but I take comfort in the idea that he has watched me grow, and wave hello when a cardinal passes me by.

[io-lu-art]

A tale of Ba Sing Se.