#MAYBE it's the aspec in me. but this movie is so much more than like. girl likes boy.

[anothermonikan]

No one fucking gets A Whisker Away like I do oh my god

[afooldyedinfolly]

Idk maybe you can make a point about how a movie handles its romantic plot without evoking aros "flocking to it" (source needed) as evidence that ITS GOOD ACTUALLY because believe it or romance repulsed aros exist and just because your leads are scared to hold hands for the majority of the movie doesn't mean the romance isn't there anymore. Especially when the movie still has them fucking kiss India drama zoom in three times style anyways and the fact that they can do this is like a Whole Thing.

"There's a reason aro/ace people are flocking to this movie-" INCORRECT BUZZER

[violet-prism-creatively]

Just watched the Wicked movie!! Some random thoughts on it:

I see all the people saying Glinda and Elphaba are in love. I personally could read them either way but I like lesbian ships getting attention. Galinda does give comphet!

Edit: actually that's my aspec tendency to interpret ships as not just platonic or romantic but a secret third thing. Their lives revolve around each other and they're narrative foils and they probably also want to kiss each other! Their relationship is more complex than just girlfriends and I love that.

Having the talking animals be oppressed works well because in the real world, we do consider animals less than human. The fact that there are no animal students and few animal professors doesn't stand out to us. Like most of the characters, the viewer doesn't see anything wrong with an all-human world. Elphaba is more sensitive to it because she's also an outcast and she was raised by a bear nanny more than her own parents, though the animals being all servants has some implications.

headcanon: the scene where Elphaba puts everyone to sleep except Fiyero, it isn't the magic making an exception for him, he's just built up a tolerance for poppy pollen from doing drugs at parties. (I know that's not how poppy flowers actually work but let's ignore that)

alternate ending where Elphaba does give herself wings? I feel like that would be fun. maybe Glinda comes with her in that version idk (I forsee many ao3 fics where Glinda chooses to go with Elphaba at the end)

(though the way the two of them take different paths is so important and always gets me so much. i really like when characters have to work within a bad system instead of outright rebelling, and exploring their inner conflict)

The next movie is going to kill me. I'm going to cry at For Good.

[goodluckclove]

ok ok ok Clove i need to know: who are some of the best writers here in your opinion ? who do i need to follow if i want to follow the next generation of great writers ? i need new blogs to follow

oh shit let's party.

first off i can't say that i know all the best writers here. i'm still learning! also, maybe i like things you don't. the usual disclaimer. but i'll still take the chance to rave about some of the immense brilliance of some of my colleagues on here!

first of is @ivaspinoza, who is the first person to send me her writing the very first time i asked. she writes the most beautiful, almost prophetic word pieces. not quiet prose, not entirely poetry. it's language you can really seep yourself in like a heated milk bath. she's working on a longform vampire novel in the same style which i have seen snippets of and it is truly incredible. love her dearly.

i'm actually in the middle of Song of the Heartless by @rkmoon, because he was hesitating to post it and i harassed him into sending it to me. and oh man, it's great. really solid premise and a world that feels vibrant and expansive and also shit because it's kind of dystopian and the vibes are not great. obviously as another aspec writer i love the representation. it's great to read yourself on the page and still see your struggles draped in thematic excitement. i can't say any more without spoiling it but i really want to. this could easily be a fucking great movie adaptation.

i feel insane pointing you towards @godsmostfuckedupgoblin because he doesn't really post his writing as far as i know but he's got some of the best mastery of dialogue i've seen in non-published writing and his excerpts are always so exciting and fun to read. maybe if enough people him to share more he will but until then his memes are lit as a child has once said before.

@stajorathefallen is working on a longform Lord of the Rings fic that is truly beautiful. I would rather read this finished product than the actual Lord of the Rings. I don't know if she'll find that a compliment or a war crime, but it's just nicer. It feels warm and cozy to read. I actually don't even know if it's referenced the original canon at all since I saw the movies but didn't pay attention. I was not qualified to look at this fic but I got to anyway and it's great.

@cssnder is someone else who doesn't post enough writing, but my hope is with enough confidence she'll branch more into sharing. Literally every time she drops a line everyone's like huh?? wow!! and then she whispers a thanks and disappears back into the catacombs. if you like dark academia based on tiktok you should follow her to see what those tiktoks wish they could capture.

this is obviously not everyone. these are not even all the people that sent me writing to look at. i have two separate emails that i still need to marry, some people are still in the egg-cracking stage of being a writer, and my adderal can only do so much. if you aren't one of these people just know that you are amazing and you need to post more of your work so i can point people to your page please thank you i love you.

[birdsong-18]

hi!

i’m a little late to the party, but i’m so proud of jaidenanimations’s new video where she comes out as aroace!

i dont openly talk about my sexuality online much (really because i don’t know what my sexual orientation really is), but i do know that i am 100% on the aspec.

my experience is very similar to jaiden’s, where i went through my life feeling like i was missing out on feelings because i didn’t have many crushes and didn’t get crushes in the same way others do. i soon came to realize that i was demisexual and demiromantic, where i had to form a close bond to a person before i began to feel any form of attraction or desire to date. this is why so many of my “celebrity crushes” have been on youtubers, and why i’ve only had 4 serious crushes in my lifetime (and one boyfriend who i never had sex with even though we dated for 9 months).

i’m so happy that jaiden was able to express these feelings as well, and her points on societal pressure to date are also very prevalent in my life as well. now that i’m in college, everyone is hooking up, and getting dates, and i feel almost left out at points as some of my friends talk about the “football guy they’re crushing on” or the “guy they hooked up with last night, but she doesn’t really like him.” i feel like i have to keep up with everyone even now, and seeing someone with similar experiences to me made me feel so much better.

you don’t meet many aspec people in daily life. it’s hard for me to sit through conversations of sex, feeling like i’m confused and left out because sex to me is such an intimate form of love, the last base that someone must unlock with a key they find through getting to truely know me.

but having a public figure, someone who i have been watching for almost as long as i have known i am aspec, come out as aspec… well i almost teared up watching that video. i’m so proud of her for becoming public with this, for being that figure that so many people need.

if she had been out when i was at the age of confusion, maybe i would have figured this out more quickly.

i was 17 when i came to realize that i was on the aspec. i’m 19 now, and still struggling with societal pressures. it’s always the question of do i want to have sex? do i really like that person? why don’t i get crushes like my friends do?

the shot that hit me the hardest from the video, however, was the shot of the aspec community standing across a crack in the ground from the rest of the lgbt community. and there is separation in the lgbtqia+ community as well. like, yes i am in the community, but even then i get forgotten or looked over. im constantly mis-labeled as “straight” (im not, i would date the opposite sex if the feeling arose, it just never has. i tend to label this as ambiguous more than anything), and often times my lgbt friends will hush up about sex, as if they think i don’t want to hear it (i don’t mind sex talk, i am just confused about some of the emotions behind it).

aspec people almost get babied in the community. we get told that “we wouldn’t understand” and get left out of normal everyday conversations about sex and relationships because people think it makes us uncomfortable (i do know for some it does). that makes me almost want hide this from my friends. what do they need to know about my sex life, who i’m attracted to? but that also just tends towards a feeling of left out, like you’re hiding yourself. and many of my straight friends and even some of my gay friends don’t know anything about the community. they’re so misinformed.

an example of this happened to me recently. i have an ace flag on my desk. one of my roommates was talking about the movie 50 shades of grey, and was explaining a pretty explicit sex scene. my other roommate joked “oh god, song, i’m gonna need that flag,” as if i choose to be this way. so many people don’t understand it’s not a choice

that is why jaiden’s video is so important. it’s the first step of bringing awareness to people, so people can feel comfortable with their identity. so they have somewhere where they belong.

i only know of two public figures on the ace spectrum, who are open about it, talk about their experiences, and are proud.

the first is even edinger, who introduced me to the concept back in 2015.

and the second is jaiden, who is helping so many people in 2022.

if anyone is struggling with their identities on the aspectrum, please feel free to contact me. my inbox is open, and i’ve been in the same exact spot you are. i’ve been comfortable with myself for almost three years now, and i am so proud of everyone who has found the bravery to come out after jaiden’s video.

<3 song

[artofapeach]

hi ! could you would you maybe please talk more about blitzfizz bc i am also a big shipper and i love your blog in general and your shipping takes on them so- if you have any hcs abt them or idk. my eyes are wide open.

HI HELLO YOU HAVE SUMMONED ME I HAVE OTHER ASKS BEFORE YOU BUT YOU ARE A PRIORITY

My brain is FRIED from writing for Nano and other things, so gushing about THE top-tier ship seems like a good break :3c

God I don't even know where to START with my headcanons on them, I have so many, I literally think about them all day

I like thinking their romantic relationship started while they were teens, 'cause they deserve that awkward teen first love, I think. Not first crush, 'cause I do think they would have a little experience before going with each other, but them being the first to be in love with, ya know???

I have an intense headcanon/theory that Fizz is aspec, demi in particular, and I love the idea that most of the time people flirt with him and he's just like "no thank you", but Blitz comes in and he goes "oh yes please!!"

Barbie Wire affectionately calls them both her brothers! This does lead to some confusion for anybody who doesn't know them, and Barbie (maybe purposefully) does not go out of her way to explain, much to Blitz and Fizz's chagrin.

Blitz growing up in Blitz's shadow and feeling so insecure :( He constantly feels like he has to prove his worth for Fizz :( Fizz keeps telling him he doesn't but that does little to help with insecurities

These guys are so mushy gushy gross. They are WORSE than M&M. They are in LOVE and they're NOT afraid to show it!!!

They may be a little codependent...and by a little I mean a lotle....

Barbie Wire: Have you guys ever spent more than 24 hours away from each other?

Fizz: I don't think we've spent more than 12 hours away from each other

Baby Fizz was jealous of baby Stolas! Even if Blitz only went there the one time, Fizz gets worried like "What was it like over there? Did you like him? Did you like him more than you like me?"

Blitz.....curling his tail around Fizz....pulling him close to snuggle.......

Tilla was their number one fan! She loved seeing her boy and his best friend-now boyfriend happy!

Cash on the other hand felt like Blitz got in the way of Fizz's career :/

Blitz playing the piano......Fizz singing along.......

Fizz being scared of horror movies, but also having a morbid curiosity for them, and Blitz always watching them with him to cuddle and make him feel safe~

*SLAMS HANDS ON THE TABLE* BLITZ IS STILL IN LOVE WITH FIZZ I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL BLITZ IS IN LOVE AND ITS BECAUSE HE'S IN LOVE THAT HE WOULD NEVER GET IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH FIZZ AGAIN BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S NOT WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM

Barbie Wire was pissed the fuck off when Blitz told her they broke up because like??? It's one thing if it was just some nobody he was dating for a year, but they've been best friends???? Their whole life????? and super in love???????? What the hell happened?????????

Blitz, being himself, refuses to give detail :)

I personally like thinking that, after working for Mammon, Mammon also realized that Blitz is in the way of Fizz's career, so he forces Blitz to break up with him to boost Fizz in his career, painting Blitz ultimately as the "bad guy" Fizz seems to treat him in the show

But I betcha Blitz wasn't the only one to blame! Fizz being the gifted child and Blitz supporting him all the time, I bet Fizz could get selfish sometimes and actually forget to put Blitz first. Evidence of this is in the Circus when Blitz kinda failed at his horse joke and Fizz showed him up. I doubt he had any malicious intent with it; just trying to give the audience a good time; but I BET you that overtime, Blitz's ego took some heavy hits

Oh also before Mammon forced them to break up, Blitz may or may not have gotten into shenanigans to steal an engagement ring :)

Engagement ring for sale, never worn

Fizz is the big spoon. Period. This is true in all of his relationships. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

Uhhhhhhhh I'm sure I have more but I'm coming up empty now wwwww

I'm trying to get in the habit of writing more of my headcanons down as kind of...writing sketches? I used to never write fanfic because I was worried about it not being good enough, and if I was going to do quality writing, I'd rather put it in my original work.

BUT THERE'S A MAJOR LACK OF BLITZFIZZ CONTENT AND I THINK ITS IMPORTANT I GET THESE IDEAS OUT OF MY HEAD SO I STARTED WRITING PURELY FOR THEM

so uh if youre into that thing here https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyArtist

Very much hoping that as I write more fanfic of them...others will also write it so that I have something to read :3c

ALSO THIS IS A 2 WAY STREET SEND ME YOUR HEADCANONS TELL ME YOUR IDEAS SEND ME ART I LOVE HEARING FROM YALL YOURE SO CREATIVE AND SEEING MORE OF THAT CREATIVITY WITH MY FAVE SHIP WOULD BE AWESOME

[allagogtoreblog]

sorry in advance for this really long ask, hopefully it’s not too annoying to come to you like this, but that meme you posted about being interested in sex only in the fictional sense actually means quite a lot to me… i’ve been IDing as aspec for a couple years now, it took me a while to figure it out because i’ve always been interested in romance and sex in fiction and fantasy and have had somewhat of a crush on one fictional character or another since puberty, but i’ve never wanted it irl or had any sort of romantic or sexual encounters in reality. eddie’s the biggest fictional crush i’ve had since i was a teen, to the point where sometimes i was starting to question my asexuality. but when i do that i have to remind myself that i wouldn’t want him if he were real, my interest entirely hinges on everything being fictional and safe in my head. i’ve only recently discovered the label aego and connect with it quite a lot, so it was thrilling to see both it and the concept of enjoying sex exclusively with fictional characters in the wild on your blog! i’ve just been having a hard time deciding whether i ‘remove my self’ from the equation, if you will. the definition is a little bit hard to puzzle out and i know it’s slightly different for everyone. anyway, thanks for posting that meme because it helped me find your blog, and it was so lovely to see aego in your bio as it’s the first time i’ve encountered that since i’ve been considering the label for myself. if you don’t mind my asking, how long have you ID’d as ace/aego, and how did you decide aego was the right label for you? oh and just for fun, if you’d like to answer: what are some headcanons that feel specific to Your Eddie, the eddie in your head, compared to popular fanon/canon?

Thank you so much for your ask! And trust me, it’s not annoying at all! There are not many people in my life that I can discuss things like this with, so I was kind of thrilled when I read it. I apologize for the lengthy reply, but I was SO excited to answer this.

Honestly, I started to realize I was “different” around JR high (which for a little context was about 25 years ago) when everyone around me was feeling that first rush of hormones and so excited about boys (or girls) and dating and first kisses, but I just never really felt that way. That’s not to say that I didn’t get crushes or find boys attractive (the posters on my walls of boy bands and teen idols would attest to that), I just didn’t see the point in romantic/sexual interactions with people I knew.  

I never really gave it much thought at the time though or tried to understand why I felt that way because JR high and HS were a really rough time for me. I was being badly bullied, my house burnt down, my parents were getting divorced, and I was struggling with depression so, I’ll be honest, I kind of assumed that things I felt (or wasn’t feeling in this case) were a product of nothing more than low self-esteem. Obviously, the only reason I wasn’t interested in trying for a relationship is because they’d just reject me anyways, right?

Yeah, I told myself that’s all it was for a really long time. Not because I was particularly embarrassed by my lack of personal interest but more so that I didn’t fully understand that I had a lack of interest.

I think it was because, around the age of 18, I found fanfic for the first time (SPUFFY 4 LYFE) and you best believe the smutty stories were my favorite (still are btw). Before that? Oh, this movie has a sex scene? Imma just watch it a dozen times, okay? So, clearly, I’m interested… maybe I just haven’t met the right guy?

It’s only been recently – around the last 5 years ago – that I’ve attempted to identify my sexuality. The catalyst of which was a particularly memorable event where I was literally sobbing at the thought of hanging out with a casual friend that I knew was interested in more. It was the first time anyone has ever told me that they were attracted to me and I was horrified by it.

So, yep, it appears I’m repulsed by sex? Great, I’m asexual.

But what about the fanfic and those dirty sex scenes, allagog? If you like watching/reading it, you must (subconsciously) want it in real life too.

So, I start reading a bit more and landed on the term graysexual for a few years – because I assumed my interest in that stuff proved I was sexually interested in people, therefore I straddled the line between asexuality and heterosexuality.

But I still felt like it didn’t fit.

It wasn’t until I started reading x reader fanfic daily (before that, I’d check out a story here and there) with the introduction of Eddie Munson (not unlike you) that I began to understand that the only time I was remotely interested in someone was if:

They were a celebrity who I will never, EVER meet

They were a fictional character

So, like one is wont to do in this day and age, I googled: “only sexually attracted to fictional characters’

And Aegosexuality popped up. And even though it’s not 100% a perfect match, of all the terms I’ve come across, this one fits the best.

The “remove yourself” bit you mentioned is also one of the parts that I don’t fully identify with (masturbating is the other), but I think that’s open to interpretation. It may not be the same for you, but when I’m reading x reader fics or imagining scenarios, I don’t actually picture me as I am, but a FICTIONAL version of myself.

In the end, the most important thing about identifying as any sexuality is that it's the right fit for you.

As for Eddie headcanons, I can't say I really have any that are entirely specific to me. For the most part, I love (most) of the versions that other authors have created or built upon. I love awkward, affectionate, sweetheart Eddie the most and almost always imagine him as much. Virgin!Eddie or sexually inexperienced are also 100% canon for me.

I'll also admit to really struggling with Asshole/Jerk Eddie and promiscuous Eddie (especially when combined with the Asshole/Jerk version of him). No disrespect for the people that read/write this version but I usually avoid them.

Thank you again so much for your ask! If you (or anyone else) ever want to reach out again - about anything, anything at all! - I'd love to hear it! <3

[jaekaicx]

just a ton of amphibia headcanons i thought of on the fly

(but its mostly the calamity trio bc im unapologetically biased)

starting off simple: anne she/her trans aspec lesbian

marcy he/they nby demiboy queer demisexual

sasha she/he genderqueer bisexual

age hierarchy: sasha > anne > marcy

marcy’s actually a year younger than anne and sasha. they skipped a grade when they were rly young

anne is the tallest, followed by sasha, and marcys the shortest

growing up anne and sasha would “fight” over who’s taller. it was a pride thing for sasha, and anne kind of just went with it at first but slowly got into it as time went on. when anne finally overtook her for good sasha had a mini crisis

tho i actually rly like the idea of marcy being the tallest. so there was a point in late elementary school where marcy was the tallest. it was a… very interesting period of time

the boonchuy household is their main hangout place. sometimes sasha hosts sleepovers or whatever at his place when his parents are away. they try not to be at marcy’s place

none of their parents are outright abusive, but bad enough to give their kids issues

the boonchuy parents are relatively the best parents. maybe not the best but much better than the others.

the wus have a lot of high expectations for marcy while also acknowledging them as little as possible, and their “love” was very conditional. they support marcys interest, but its less out of genuinely caring abt him and more “ok cool yeah take this and dont bother me anymore”

the boonchuy household is basically a second home for marcy. he keeps a toothbrush and a few sets of clothes over there. they move in with them after amphibia

the waybrights are… complicated. and not in a good way. bottom line is theyre hardly around and when they are its never really good

uhhh anyways marcy’s obviously not neurotypical

one of their many phases was a small rubiks cube phase. hed always have some sort of rubiks cube on him which theyd solve whenever their hands were free. his favorite one was a mini 3x3 rubiks cube on a keychain

the trio has an smp

marcy always tries to get anne and sasha into whatever videogame hes into at the moment. with anne it kind of varies a lot, but sasha genuinely gets into the games marcy introduces to her. they like to talk abt games to each other: lore, plot, theories, ships, discourse, you name it

anne usually likes more peaceful games like minecraft, animal crossing, stardew valley, stuff like that. the only exception is anime fighting games. no i wont elaborate

all of their sleepovers involve a hardcore mario kart battle. the three are always neck to neck and they race fiercely.

none of them really know how to play smash bros

marcy is a chara apologist. sasha kins undyne. anne just wants to hug all the monsters bc they need it.

sasha cut his hair some time after true colors. she’d been reflecting a bunch on everything that happened and just so happened to have a small gender awakening as well. it was rly messy at first but he was able to get it fixed soon after and now has a sick undercut

she keeps it long enough to tie it back tho. anne had quite the surprise when she came back to amphibia

sasha’a hair is dyed blonde !! its naturally brown

marcy’s the one to introduce fanfiction to anne and her eyes have been opened

marcy will watch basically anything but particularly likes documentaries and animated movies/cartoons. anne and sasha both watch anime but are into different kinds (dont ask me tho i dont rly watch anime)

anne was the first to figure out her gender. she knew ever since she was rly young, like shortly after she met marcy. her parents were really accepting (tho it was a little bit of a learning curve). anne kind of just said that she liked more feminine stuff (in kids terms of course) and her parents kind of just went with it. none of them exactly knew what it was called until anne was like 9 or so, and when anne did find out she was like “oh yeah that sounds abt right”

marcy was next on the gender train. he found out abt being nonbinary around mid elementary school (around 7-8 years old) and kind of just went with that. that is until they learned abt pronouns and more gender stuff a little bit before amphibia happened. they had a lot of time to think abt it while in amphibia.

marcy mainly used they/them from mid elementary school to when they got transported to amphibia. he added on he/him some time during s1 when they were on their own

sasha didnt board the gender train until after amphibia. he tried talking with anne and marcy abt their gender experiences tm but it never felt quite right. they helped her with researching and eventually come to terms with being genderqueer

marcy has cried to home by cavetown on multiple occasions. yes anne and sasha have walked in on him listening to it. those were two awkward conversations

sasha ended up crying with marcy

anne didnt rly have to come out as trans to marcy and sasha bc shes kind of always been out. anne was the first person marcy came out to as nonbinary, shortly followed by sasha

marcys parents never realized that anne was trans. one time at dinner they asked marcy “what happened to that young boy you were friends with when you were really young” and anne was sitting right across the table

when marcy got their first binder he had it mailed to the boonchuys’ house. anne was there when he first tried it on. there was a lot of crying that day

the trio have a sort of distress code word that when they send it in their group chat, the others are to try to drop everything and go to the person who send the distress word. they set up a cuddle pile with lots of blankets and put on a comfort movie on netflix

anne tends to be the one to use it the most bc sasha doesnt like being vulnerable and marcy doesnt like asking for help or being a “burden”

anne’s the best cook out of all of them. marcy can make a bunch of simple stuff but things tend to spontaneously catch fire when theyre alone in the kitchen. sasha cant rly cook but she does bake a lot

marcy has them all catch up on all the cool cartoons they missed after they got back from amphibia

marcys favorite superhero is spider-man

sasha once tried to convince his parents to let her play football. when she told anne and marcy abt it they couldnt tell if sasha was joking abt it or not

anne and marcy write fanfiction. they beta read each others works a lot (sasha too sometimes if they can get him to)

when sprig gets to earth, he goes through like seven of the main “young boy” phases at once (fortnite, minecraft, nerf, pokemon, yknow that stuff)

sasha’s that one kid in gym class that takes everything way too seriously

the trio tried to use a ouija board at a sleepover. that was the only time sashas name got put in the book of losers

sasha plays league of legends

marcy and anne traded clothes a lot when they were younger

anne can and will bring home any animal she finds out on the streets. frogs, cats, dogs, birds… one time she tried to wrangle in a raccoon

marcy loves being the little spoon

anne is a karen (canon)

the plantars keep falling for online scams and anne’s almost lost her identity multiple times

anne finds one of marcy’s rubiks cubes and keeps it with her. she sometimes fidgets around with it when she goes back to amphibia

marcy lowkey hoped theyd get a cool scar sometime in amphibia (not like this tho…)

anne tries to avoid cooked meat after true colors…

suddenly sasha, anne, and sprig have a fear of heights :D

one of the many results of true colors is that marcy has chronic pain that varies day to day. on the really bad days they can hardly get himself to get out of bed. theres lots of cuddling on those days

at least half the school thought sasha anne and marcy were dating

the three like to lean on each other a lot. resting their heads on their shoulders, laying across their laps, leaning back to back. they just love being in physical contact, especially after amphibia

it takes a while for anne and sasha to warm up to each other again and to get used to cuddling. its not exactly like before amphibia but its still nice

anne doesnt like looking at sashas scar while march likes to trace over it with his thumb. its oddly calming to sasha

all three go and get therapy after amphibia. the therapist(s) is very concerned

they all have their hair short as adults

marcy tried cutting his hair once. he had to get a rly short undercut to salvage it

marcy has a giant collection of legos. anne and sasha usually helped out when making them. they had to stop sasha from smashing a couple out of frustration

sprig tried to take apart and remake a couple of marcys legos. thankfully marcys fairly organized and it wasnt hard to find the manuals

anne’s 14th birthday is very tense

marcy is part filipino bc i said so

sasha is wasian

all of them have family scattered around the us and a few members around the world

their elementary school did the thing where when they needed to get the kids from one place to another, they had a specific line up order (usually alphabetic) to try to stop kids from fighting for places in the line. bc of this marcy and sasha hung out a lot in the back of the line bc of their last names

anne proudly held one of the first few spots in line

sasha tries to throw one of those huge teen house parties tm one time in high school but anne stops her

[variousqueerthings]

Tom Hardy Movies rated least to most queer

I made a list of some Tom Hardy movies and I rated them based on my own, non-specific criteria about what makes a movie queer. Results below the cut.

(Some films not included, because I haven’t watched them yet, because Mr Hardy’s only in them for a few minutes, because the subject matter doesn’t lend itself to this list, or because I just don’t want’em here. TV series also not included. The list is organised into both groups and ratings, because I’m doing The Most.)

Movies are divided into four groups and rated from 0 – 10 on the Queer-Scale, scroll down to the bottom if you want the ratings without the commentary.

Disclaimer: This list is subjective. Don’t come at me because I didn’t rate Inception higher, Nolan himself is as queer as cargo shorts. 

1. This movie would make more sense if it were queer

If this movie were queer it… might not become a perfect film all of a sudden, but it’d make a hell of a lot more sense than what’s actually going on. With an occasional dose of “are the cis-straights okay?”

This Means War (2012): So Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are ostensibly both in love with Reese Witherspoon, but say “I love you” to each other pretty much constantly throughout the movie and their friendship is often presented as a domestic partnership. Cool, cool, cooool.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10. This movie hate-crimed me by having Tom Hardy literally spell out his relationship with Chris Pine, only for the script to then have him say… “can you imagine all that… but with a woman…” Later on the movie explicitly denies polyamory is possible. Fuck this film.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012): Batman movies should always be queer. Mr. Hardy’s the only one who acceptably camps it up, despite Nolan’s best attempts to make him “acceptably gruff.” No matter what you do, Bane is a massive daddy in a mask and thanks to Mr Hardy’s honestly iconic fucking speech pattern in this film, it goes from pretty atrociously straight to just queer enough to imagine a future where Robert Pattinson plays batman and maybe adopts a bunch of kids.

(the only truly decent mask in this franchise tbh)

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. Mr Hardy’s back is the one that’s actually broken carrying any semblance of fun in this overly long movie all on his own.

Lawless (2012): Wow, this really was the year of the not-queer-enough, wasn’t it? Look, it’s “based on a real story,” but it’s also a movie and movies don’t need to stick to the truth, and this one certainly doesn’t. Was the guy queer in real life? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that it’s just kind of an eh movie and maybe being queer would add something to it. One of those “but why make someone queer? because it’s always more interesting to do so,” movies.

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. It’s just not queer. But Tom Hardy wears cardigans and described his character as a “mother figure,” which adds an interesting dynamic to him.

2. Actually Queer but in a homophobic way

Tom Hardy plays a canonically queer character, yaaay. The whole movie contains a strange sense of the director being too not-queer to actually engage with that and everything around him is almost aggressively straight, noooo.

RocknRolla (2008): Honestly this movie has the funniest coming out scene ever + that familiar undertone of “all these manly men secretly want to fuck each other” is only heightened by one of them actually being gay and in love with his best friend. It’s such a fucking… it’s such a movie. Personally I find Mark Strong, Idris Elba, Thandie Newton, and, of course, Tom Hardy to be really hot in it, so that’s a plus. There’s a scene in which Strong’s character teaches another gangster how to do a proper backhand. It’s really gay of him. Also slow-dancing at a gay club. Butler’s character needs to get himself together, you really don’t think 2008 Tom Hardy is hot? Mate.

(left to right: functional queer, disaster queer, distinguished queer)

Queer Rating: 6 out of 10, for having an actual gay character who is played by Tom Hardy doing a sexy phonecall voice to another guy, but then there’s that feeling you can’t shake that the whole movie is vaguely uncomfortable about it, like a family member awkwardly patting you on the shoulder after they found out you were queer second-hand, but they’ve still got 50 years of bias to unlearn. Also Thandie Newton is killed, fuck that noise. 

Legend (2015): If I had a nickle for the amount of times Tom Hardy’s played a gay gangster, I’d have two nickles. Which isn’t a lot, but weird that it happened twice (looks at Peaky Blinders and thinks it ought to be three times). I’ve watched Legend three times and every time it just… loses me. And because this is a biased list, I’ll only specifically mention that it fails to make Ron’s queerness anything but a way for him to shock others. Gangsters could be gay? Gasp! On the upside Tom Hardy has so much sexual tension with everyone in this movie, including himself (why would you do that? Asks Ron, bemused. Because I can’t kill you, no matter how much I fucking want to, hisses a blood-soaked Reggie right into his ear. It’s hot).

Queer rating: 5 out of 10 because the film is just not very queer for a movie with several queer men in it.

3. Straight as a forced family dinner

It’s straight.

Locke (2013): He’s a married man who had an affair and trying to deal with the fallout of it. This isn’t a spoiler for most of the movie, it’s a pretty neat movie where we look at Tom Hardy having a bit of a mental breakdown and taking lots of phonecalls (my personal hell). Is it queer? Not in the slightest.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10 for Hardy’s face being in almost every shot.

The Revenant (2015): Yeah, yeah, DeCaprio’s and Hardy’s characters are obsessed with each other, yeah it’s a man’s world where the only women are dead wife, kidnapped sexually assaulted native princess, or background whore, yeah, they fight each other and there’s a ton of grunting, but also… I just fucking don’t like this movie. The thin line where a storyline like this one becomes queer might be crossed for others, but not for me. Fuck these guys and their stupid  bear fights.

Queer rating: 3 out of 10 for it being about dirty men in the middle of nowhere (but you could just watch Brokeback Mountain or The Lighthouse or God’s Own Country or any Mad Max, or, or, or…)

4. Queer? Queer. Queer? … Queer…

The plots, aesthetics and/or characters played by Tom Hardy lend themselves to a queer reading, even if there is no overt intention towards queerness. Often this is because of a deliberate lack of heterosexual and/or cisgender writing, which in this day and age is still pretty uncommon not to include within a plot.

Inception (2010): Okay, I don’t even need to write about the added “darling,” or the “go to sleep Mr Eames.” I don’t need to go on about the absolutely bonkers amount of fanfiction written for Eames and Arthur, based on a few minutes of film and a boatload of chemistry. It’s queer.

Queer Rating: 7 out of 10, because the actual plot of the film isn’t very queer, but between the Arthur/Eames dynamic and Elliot Page, Nolan was really given a gift he didn’t deserve.

Warrior (2011): Okay, so first off, this might be my favourite Tom Hardy film, at least some part of my brain is fixated on it at almost all times and I’m considering watching it for the third time in two weeks. I don’t only consider it queer based on Mr. Hardy’s character, although he has no romantic or sexual interest and could be read as aroace, but because of the themes, especially those surrounding said character, who is coded as a caregiver to women and through close emotional connections to men. It’s got possibly unintentional deconstructions of masculinity and two men (brothers) who need to forgive each other and can only do so through the catharsis of violence. It speaks to me as a transmasc with several cis brothers, struggling with my own masculinity. It’s not at all written for me, but I find myself all over it. I could talk about this movie forever.

Queer Rating: 8 out of 10. I’m not allowed to say any more or I’ll never stop writing about it. I love you Tommy…

The Drop (2014): Bob’s lack of sexual and/or romantic interest in Naomi is so strange to her that she doesn’t know what he would want from her otherwise. Bob really just wants to raise a dog with her (and also forgiveness for past sins). Bob is such a rare ace and possibly aro coded character, it really throws me every time I watch this film how obvious it is. Bonus points for also being autistic-coded and not in the stereotypical ways.

(Tom Hardy’s most challenging role: pretending he doesn’t know dogs)

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10 because it’s so fucking rare to see ace and aro coded characters that aren’t, you know…. serial killers. Also Tom Hardy adopts a puppy and has a very cute, kinda lispy voice. How often does Tom Hardy play softer men like this?

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015): Very deliberately no sexual or romantic writing included in Max’s and Furiosa’s relationship. Sure, there’s not a lot of time for that in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but it was also done with a purpose! “It was always going to be two warriors on par, starting off with very little respect for each other and ending up with a massive respect for each other.” - Charlize Theron. “So of course they meet, of course there’s a relationship, an unspoken understanding. A recognition.” - Tom Hardy.

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10. It’s not just the characters, but the world and it’s apocalyptic BDSM leather scene, the questions it asks about sustainability and about people as tools, and the found family. It’s about overcoming violence through multiple kinds of love. And it’s about watching a guy playing flame-thrower guitar. What could be queerer?

Venom (2018): Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same… No, but Eddie is queer. The only question is whether the sequel will acknowledge that aspect or not, but even if not. Even if it manages to straightly bypass the reality of a symbiotic relationship with a genderless? genderfluid? being from another world that is linked to you down to your very cells and understands you more intimately than any other person possibly could… even if all that: Eddie is queer. Venom and Eddie are in a relationship. Any relationship Eddie ever enters into will automatically become a thrupple. He makes out with Venom in the movie! Eddie is queer.

(aw yeah that tongue is going down his throat)

Queer Rating: 9.5 out of 10, because it’s still coded by the creators in the language of bromance (hey, bro, is it gay if we’re physically and emotionally closer than any other people on earth?), but the movie is so, so camp and Mr Hardy’s acting choices are beautiful – the screaming? The lispy soft voice and lack of taking up space? The lobster tank? The only people who don’t know how queer this is are the people making it apparently. Fingers crossed for that sequel!

Hon. mentions:

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002): Star Trek – even at it’s worst (especially at its worst?) – is camp af + Hardy is a straight-up baby in this film.

Bronson (2008): It’s about a real person who’s still alive, so I won’t comment on the actual man. However the film seems to code the character Bronson along an ace line and also has genderqueering Vaudeville. Someone let Tom Hardy do more of whatever was going on in those stage-bits.

(this right here: this the good shit)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011): Another ensemble piece not massively about Hardy’s character, but it’s a movie that centers around queerness in a strange, depressing way. Tom Hardy’s character isn’t queer. Colin Firth and Mark Strong are though. The book makes me cry.

Peaky Blinders (2013-): Because it’s a TV series I left it out. There’s a lot of straight nonsense going on there, but Alfie Solomens is gay. There’s nothing in the series that disputes that and plenty that lends itself to the reading.

Dunkirk (2017): Tom Hardy plays an RAF pilot in a deep emotional connection with the other main RAF pilot. That’s immediately gay. However he’s not in the movie much because of the way it’s constructed, so I left it off.

Queer Ratings (least to most)

No queer to be found here traveller:

This Means War: 2 out of 10 - illegal movie, Tom Hardy swore he wouldn’t do another rom-com after

Locke: 2 out of 10 - straight Welshman and his straight problems. He pretty though

Lawless: 3 out of 10 - cardigan-Hardy being a mother-hen, but very straight for all that

The Dark Knight Rises: 3 out of 10 - a superhero movie that doesn’t deserve Mr Hardy’s camp talents (unlike Venom)

The Revenant: 3 out of 10 - doesn’t give me what I want out of a movie full of dirty, bearded men

Queer but we deserve more:

Legend: 5 out of 10 - timid homosexuality, considering the source material. 

RocknRolla: 6 out of 10 - hey bro, is it gay if we kill the only female lead in our massive ensemble cast

The queerest of Hardy’s:

Inception: 7 out of 10 - Elliot Page and JGL kissing was an all-around terrible choice that made no sense, we know the truth, Nolan

Warrior: 8 out of 10 - I’m still crying, Edgerton’s crying, Hardy’s crying, we’re all crying, and I think that’s really emotionally healthy and queer of us

Mad Max: Fury Road: 9 out of 10 - non-romantic love in the time of BDSM post-apocalyptic wastelands is something that can actually be so personal

The Drop: 9 out of 10 - “Fucking punk. Go out to dinner dressed like you're still in you living room! You wear those big hippity-hoppity clown shoes! You speak to women terribly! You treat them despicably! You hurt harmless dogs that can't defend themselves! I'm tired of you man. I'm tired of you. You embarrass me!”

Venom: 9.5 out of 10 - Sometimes a relationship is an anxious reporter, the sentient goo inhabiting his body, his kinda-ex-girlfriend and her new doctor boyfriend, and I think that’s beautiful

[ezrasarm]

Coming Out As Asexual/Aspec

Pairings: Javier Pena x reader, Marcus Pike x reader, Din Djarin x reader, Ezra x reader, Frankie Morales x reader

Word count: 2.3K (oops)

Warnings: discussions of sexuality, depictions of main characters as Aspec

A/n: I apologize these were meant to be head canons and a few of them wound up turning into mini fics. I would like to thank @dishonouringmycow for supplying many ideas and helping me concoct these for you and @kiss-evans for her insight as well. These were a lot of fun to write! We’ve written these HCs in hopes that they will be inclusive and relatable to most ace/demi-/greysexual folks and anyone in between. We hope you like them!

[masterlist]

Javier Peña

Telling Javi is a little tricky.

Given the time period, and the fact that asexuality was hardly a word let alone a widely accepted concept, Javier didn’t stand a chance when you went about explaining to him your “unconventional” relationship with sexual attraction.

You didn’t even fully understand it yourself at that point which is why you were terrified when you felt you owed him an explanation for turning him down.

You and Javi had been dancing around each other since pretty much the moment you landed in Bogata.

You knew you cared about him more than the average coworker and Steve didn’t hesitate to tease either of you mercilessly for it with every chance he got.

But there was a reason you had been avoiding acting on those feelings you harboured for him and a reason you were so terrified when he reciprocated them.

Silence overwhelms the small stakeout vehicle when you tell him.

He doesn’t get it.

“Oh.”

The disappointment that pours off of him is palpable.

This really wasn’t the reaction he was expecting to the heartfelt confession he had mustered up the courage for only moments ago.

“Javi,” You sigh, “It’s not like that. It’s not personal. I don’t feel attracted to anyone that way.” You reiterate but he still seems convinced that this is just an elaborate attempt to spare his feelings.

“You don’t have to do that, you know? You don’t have to let me down easy.”

“That’s not what this is. I really just don’t operate that way.”

You had seen the girls coming and going from his apartment across the hall. You knew how he chose to blow off steam after stressful days at work and you knew you couldn’t keep up with that.

“I don’t think I can be there for you like you want me to.”

It takes a moment for it to dawn on him what you mean and you think he finally takes the hint when another ‘oh’ escapes him.

“I don’t need-“ He starts up but cuts himself off when you give him a pointed look.

“I really, really wanted this to work.” He says after what feels like hours of you discussing all the reasons you would wind up resenting each other if you went down that path. All the fears you had of starting something up with him.

“Me too.” You hum solemnly when you deflate to lean into his side and rest your head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

He’s quick to shake his head and whisper a quiet “Don’t apologize.” When he wraps an arm around you and places a kiss to the top of your head.

You both walk away from that stakeout with heavy hearts but lighter shoulders and although it takes some time to heal you learn to show how much you care about each other in different ways.

Now he slings an arm around your shoulders when you’re getting unwanted attention on a night out.

You stay up drinking with him so he doesn’t have to brood alone after a particularly tiring day.

Soft touches and reassuring words come easier between you two.

Most importantly you’re both happy and you haven’t lost each other.

Marcus Pike

Marcus is a little less clueless.

He knows Asexuality exists and has a vague sense of what it is, he just doesn’t know a whole lot about it.

There’s not much pressure when you tell him.

It comes as a bit of a disclaimer early in your relationship and you try not to make a big deal of it. You just want to make sure that he’s aware as your relationship progresses.

Marcus, ever the sweet and compassionate boyfriend is attentive and understanding as you speak.

The words that seem to stick out in his mind come at the only point when the slightest bit of doubt weens it’s way into your voice, “I just wanted to make sure that that’s- that I’m enough for you.”

His heart stops and he’s overcome by a feeling of both shock and sorrow that you could ever think such a thing of yourself.

“Of course. Of course, you’re enough.”

“You’re more than enough. You’re… you’re everything.”

What you don’t see is the way that after this conversation he finds himself wracking up more and more questions that he’s too scared to ask you. Not because he’s afraid of the answer but because he doesn’t want to overstep or make you uncomfortable.

So naturally, he turns to the next best thing.

The internet.

What he fails to realize is how broad a spectrum of asexuality there is and all he gets is more and more confused.

Marcus accidentally develops a following on Aspec Reddit forums for trying to ask people questions and them all just going “aww, Hun” at this poor clueless bean and swooning over how much he cares about you.

Despite the enthusiasm and volume of their responses, they don’t really add much clarity beyond “Hey, maybe you should ask your SO”

Instead, he runs around treating you like glass while he tries to buck up the courage to actually talk to you about it until on a movie night as he awkwardly tries to contort himself around you so he’s cuddling you… without touching you, you finally snap.

“Marcus! What is going on?”

That’s when he finally and rather sheepishly admits that he wants you to tell him more about your sexuality.

“Oh.”

You pause the movie and give him your full attention as you try and talk him through as much as you’re able to explain until suddenly you’re stuck for an answer and you look up at him with rather watery eyes as you admit you have no idea and suddenly you’re the one having the existential crisis.

“Oh, oh no. It’s alright, we can figure it out together! Shhh, it’s all fine. Please don’t cry! Reddit didn’t tell me this would happen!”

“Who-ddit?”

Din Djarin

Coming out to Din is rather anticlimactic.

He doesn’t have much to say beyond “Okay.”

You’re a little confused at first.

That went… too well.

It’s a while later when he brings it up again that you begin to realize why.

There’s no hesitation or taboo, he’s quite straight forward when he asks why you were so nervous.

At first, you’re not so sure what to say. Wasn’t that kind of obvious?

“Not everyone takes it so well.” You shrug thinking back to past relationships where your partners seemed to expect you to give them more than you were willing to.

You could practically see the gears turning behind his visor and it’s only now that you connect the dots and his reaction from before seems to add up.

To him, that was the norm.

It makes sense the more you think about it.

In all the time you had spent travelling with him, all the objectively beautiful women, men and everyone else in between that had crossed your paths, all the slurs that had been thrown at him by drunkards in cantinas about how he fucks with all that armour on, all the rather compromising situations you had found yourself in with him before and you had never caught his gaze wander or heard him express any indication of interest in yourself or anyone in that way.

You had always put it down to his creed. As far as you were aware such things were forbidden for people of his faith but you’re left with an odd sense of comfort as you realized that wasn’t the case.

Perhaps this was his strange little way of letting you know you weren’t alone.

Ezra

When you met Ezra you were prepared for the worst.

A guy as cocky and loquacious as him and you just trying to keep your head down in the busy bar and enjoy your drink in peace after a rough day.

You didn’t have high hopes when he swung into the booth across from you and started down whatever elaborate story he had decided would impress you enough to get you into bed.

“It’s my missing appendage, isn’t it?” he asks when you quite clearly don’t bite.

He’s already moving to leave you be when your eyebrows knit together in confusion and your eyes blow wide as you’re hit with a sudden wave of guilt.

You had grown used to deflecting advances like this but something about the way he said it, the bold, charismatic man suddenly looking like a kicked puppy made your guts churn.

You didn’t normally give an explanation, you didn’t feel you owed anyone that, especially not a stranger and yet here you were.

“What? No! No, I actually think you’re very good looking and charming and all those things people look for in a partner, I’m just not particularly one for casual hookups.” You say looking around the room where you now felt wildly out of place with just about all of its inhabitants presumably looking to get laid or trying to forget someone they couldn’t do so with.

“...Or any hookups really.” You correct yourself and watch as the disappointed look on his face morphs into a glint of curiosity.

“You a uh- a spade?” He asks resettling into the booth, an oblivious smile settling on his cheeks when you laugh at him.

You spend until last-call deeply enthralled in conversation and comforted by one another’s company.

That’s all either of you were here for in the first place, to feel a little less lonely.

You’re only pried apart by the closing of the bar, the nag of sleep hot on your heels and the promise that this wouldn’t be the last you saw of each other.

Frankie Morales

Frankie knew you were asexual.

You had told him before, he just didn’t entirely understand what that meant until much later on.

He seemed familiar with the term but his knowledge of the concept didn’t seem to extend beyond a basic definition.

Frankie’s first wife was his first for a lot of things. First girlfriend, first kiss, first love, first lover, first breakup.

He took the divorce pretty hard, as anyone would.

They’d gotten married so young, before he was deployed, that the guys had never seen him single before and neither had he really.

It took a long time for him to recover and by then he was content. ‘not in a particularly big rush to start down the relationship path and get hurt again’ is how he had phrased it to you once in confidence.

But another factor that he failed to recognize fully at the time was that he just hadn’t found anyone he was interested in in that way.

He’d tried going on a couple of dates but none of them clicked and it just left him feeling more alone.

It was after Tom died, almost five years after his divorce that the guys finally called him on it.

At first they just assumed the way he had been acting was about Tom and in a sense it was, Tom was the only one who had been through a divorce before, he was the only one who really understood and talked him through it when the going got tough.

Will was the one to put the pieces together and realize that the issue wasn’t Tom so much as Frankie getting more and more tired of being on his own.

His intentions were well meaning. They were just trying to help.

All they wanted was to see him happy but the more the boys seemed to try and set him up, the more resistance they were met with and even Frankie couldn’t figure out why until he was sat, venting to you about it one night.

“How did you know you were ace?” He blurts out suddenly and you’re a little lost for words, you weren’t really expecting this conversation to go this way but it was obviously something he had been considering for a while.

“Sorry that wasn’t a fair question,” He says when he notices you’re struggling, “I just- they keep trying to set me up with, who I’m sure are some really great people, but it’s all on this little tiny screen and all you see are a couple photos and maybe a blurb if you’re lucky and there’s just no…”

“Connection?” You suggest. Those big puppy eyes shoot up to you from where they were fixed on the counter in front of him and he gives you a slight nod.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He sighs and your heart breaks a little looking at him like that before you round the counter and pull him into a hug. “I’ve felt attraction before but I look at the guys and it feels like it takes so much more for me to get to that point than them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” You assure him gently, brushing your fingers through his hair when you pull away to give him a reassuring smile. “Sounds like you could be on the asexuality spectrum.”

“There’s a spectrum?”

[masterlist]

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Pedro Boys Taglist: @theravenreads @mrschiltoncat @seasonschange-butpeopledont @dishonouringmycow @deafspaceperson 

[astriiformes]

Behind on a whole backlog of neat things folks have tagged me in (hello, moving/job/freelance writing chaos), but I have every intention of getting to most of them so, here’s one @marypsue tagged me in last week (thank you!)

Rules: tag nine people you want to get to know better/catch up with!

Favorite color: Equally split between nice bold/dark/jewel-toned blues and greens, with blue maybe slightly winning at the moment, but I go through phases. I especially love them together, and am extremely excited because we actually get to PAINT THE WALLS in the new unit we’re moving into this week, and I am incredibly ready to use both of them decoratively.

Currently reading: Anything I am “currently reading” is very much in theory, but I have been dabbling in a couple books on trans history and, if I am really going to bear my soul here, a suspicious amount of Star Wars fanfiction.

Last song: “Starsoul” by Urban Tapestry!

Last movie: Fairly certain it was when Scribe and I watched The Mitchells vs the Machines a little while ago, which was a delightful choice -- highly recommend it to anyone who hasn’t seen it yet.

Last series: Uncertain if this is supposed to be the last one I dipped my toes into or the last one I finished, but for the latter, Critical Role (Campaign 2, at least), in an act of immense hubris because I stayed up until 3am to catch the entire 7-hour finale (worth it, absolutely worth it, especially for a story that has really meant a lot to me!)

Sweet, spicy or savory: Another equal split -- I swerve between wanting sweet and savory with wild abandon. As far as my body thinks though, it’s savory; I actually need to consume extra salt/electrolytes for chronic illness reasons and have been reaching for the kettle chips and cheesy garlic bread accordingly.

Craving: Hm, at this moment nothing in particular; I’m not really someone with much of an appetite or all that prone to cravings. Always down for some really good black licorice though, which might be the best answer for this one.

Tea or coffee: I want to be a tea person and drink it fairly frequently these days -- especially when we have syrups and foraged ingredients on hand, but I regret to admit that even now that I’m trying out ADHD meds that cause my anxiety to worsen on caffeine, I am still very much a coffee man. A fan of both, but inclined to hubris all the same.

Currently working on:

MOVING; you have no idea how ready I am to be unpacking instead of packing, and done with the endless chain of logistics the last few weeks have been. Even once we’re moved we’ll need to paint the walls and have some furniture projects to tackle (staining, changing out hardware), but at least there will be less emails!!

Updating my Fjord Criticalrole playlist, an endeavor that has turned out to be far more sprawling than expected. It’s getting there though! And I am excited to have it be my first playlist I crosspost on both Spotify and 8tracks now that the latter is fighting to stay alive again

The Back to the Future trans headcanon fic duology that occupies half my waking thoughts these days; progress is happening, they are just both going to be long and I am slow! I got some fabulous trans history research help from a librarian friend though, since I am stodgily committed to writing something that feels properly like a product of the 80s trans experience, not the modern one.

Also, Chapter 7 of I Breathed A Song Into the Air, my aro Legolas fic, which has been languishing without an update for an embarrassing amount of time. I had a burst of inspiration during an aspec Tolkien week that was going on in May, but it didn’t get me anywhere near the finish line, despite my deep commitment to seeing that fic all the way through.

Theoretically a High Rollers fic focused on Quill and Sentry before they met up with the rest of the party? The difficulty of confirming canon events in a smaller fandom with an in-progress wiki and a massive amount of canon to sift through has been a bit of a stumbling block, but it’s my third Google Doc existing as a pinned tab currently all the same.

Logistics for a couple of filk concerts (one virtual and one, surreally enough, in-person) that are rapidly sneaking up on us this summer. More to follow on that soon, actually.

Truly a hypothetical here, but getting back into cosplay after a long break. I want to keep a narrow focus even though there are so many projects I’d like to tackle, but finally getting my ANH Luke up to Rebel Legion standards is a primary goal for sure (I just need the right shoes and to buckle down and make my belt!!). I also am on the hunt for two denim jackets to cannibalize into a single horrible 80s one for Marty McFly, after the realization that his is decidedly more a relic of its era than people usually recognize. And last but not least, plodding away on Quill, especially after learning another coworker of mine is also making a bird(-ish) cosplay, so I have someone to talk wings/feathers with! First up might actually be his talons though -- I just need to stop being so intimidated by sculpting!

I am frazzled enough after a few days that have truly been Days that I think I’m going to skip out on tagging people, but if anyone else wants to pick this up, I am handing you the baton. Carry on!

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[bloody-wonder]

Hey I feel like ur the best person to ask about this, have u ever read any romances liked u rlly liked other than andreil in tfc? Specifically any similar to them, possibly with acespec characters

tbh i like many romance stories, especially among the classic ones, but never have i ever read anything like andreil. i wish someone could recommend me a book with a romance like that. so you’ll have to lower your expectations for this rec list, my friend ://

last year i was specifically searching for romances featuring aroace characters through the aroace characters database and managed to find two books i ended up liking - however neither of them is technically a romance.

the first one is seven ways we lie by riley redgate. it’s a ya mystery that follows seven pov and one of them is an aroace guy who develops a relationship with another guy throughout the book. it’s not a romance, but it’s not a friendship either (can’t tell why cause spoilers). anyway i read this book in one sitting, liked it very much and could relate to the aroace character and his experiences (much more than to anything alice oseman has written on the subject btw). although the book isn’t focused on him, still i found his pov and what he had going on with that other guy very neat.

the other book is mindtouch by mca hogarth. it’s a slice of life sci fi fantasy about two aliens studying xenopsychology at an intergalactic university. there’s no plot, it just follows their day-to-day life and developing relationship which is “a special kind of friendship”. one of them is aroace-coded ig, the other one is even touch-averse - which like,, extra kudos from me :D in general this book is weird in a very refreshing kind of way, but it’s only part one so i can’t vouch for the rest of the books in the series. 

*both of these books got some negative reviews from the moderators of the aroace characters database for allegedly using aphobic tropes but idk i don’t agree with that. in any case do some research before reading in order to avoid unpleasant surprises.

the next category i call ✨aroace friendly romances✨ - these are regular romances that either don’t focus on attraction very much or even if they do they frame it in a way that i personally approve of hehe

howl’s moving castle - ig this needs no introduction. i will only say that in the animated movie miyazaki has really doubled down on romance and war whereas the og book is more about being weird and magical and avoiding the responsibilities of adulthood at all costs. this is a must read okay

spinning silver and uprooted by naomi novik are eastern europe inspired fantasy books that feature awesome romances between clever women with lots of agency and aloof supernatural men who are low key assholes - aka the only acceptable straight ship dynamic for me. between the two books there are three romances and each is aroace friendly in a different manner: for one of the couples in spinning silver the book covers only the pre-relationship phase (aka the best stuff) whereas the couple in uprooted has it all in a more traditional romance way but the language the main character uses to describe what essentially is her attraction towards the guy is very non-formulaic and engaging. just in general, there were a few remarks here and there throughout these books which made me think that maybe naomi novik knows about the aspec agenda. or maybe she’s just a very good and attentive writer, you never know🤷

other romances i’ve liked in recent years are captive prince, a charm of magpies, the folk of the air and the grandmaster of demonic cultivation but these hardly have anything aspec about them😬

[grakkul]

I’ve been conflicted over identifying on the aspec spectrum and having a “crush” on one of my best friends

As time has gone out I have gotten more relaxed with labels and shot, for the most part I don’t really like the labels for my sexuality, it feels like I’m trying to stuff myself under a box. So I’ve been comfortably sitting with queer. Knowing that I lean more towards the aspec side.

I’ve also realsied that my “crush” thing doesn’t really mess with what I know about myself. I still don’t really want a relationship in the traditional sense, it’s more so I love my friend, their an amazing friend and I feel happy when we hang out. Their one of the only people I don’t feel drained when I hang out with.

But I don’t really want to do anything diffrent with them, I just want to spend more time together. Part of me want to call me my partner, but more than anyhting I just like them and want to be surrounded by them.

And like ya know,,,, maybe I kinda wanna make out with them while we do hang out. And like I wanna cuddle more. Idk, their my main source of cuddles.

Everyone else makes me a lil uncomfortable, I’m kinda touch averse. But when they do it’s amazing and I constantly want more. We cuddle while watching movies and just,,, uhh I love ot, and sometimes they play with my hair and just ,,,,

Actually the reason I realized how I felt about them went beyond my other friendships was this one time i was at their house, and they just lied down on top of me like their head was on my shoulder, and they just lied down on top of me for a hot second. And like I put my hands around them eventually. And like,,, at that moment I got hit by, oh I like this, I want to do this more, I want to do this much more, I want to stay this way. And just Idk, I don’t think it’s the way allo people experience crushes.

Cause I’d be ok with them dating someone else, I don’t mind when they hand out with other people, I want them to stay happy and vibrant. I just kinda wanna be there when they do. Everynowand then I’ll hear about things they did from like other people, or they’ll mention things months later. And I’m just hit by, I wanted to be there, I wanted to experience that with you, I want you to tell me these things as they happen, and I want to be there when they happen. I want them to be happy, but I kinda wanna be part of those happy memories. I don’t have to be a front runner, but like even in the background, helping fill out the scene. I kinda selfishly wanna be a part of that. I want more of them, as much as they’d give.

[carmenlire]

Strawberry Skies

written for BTS Aspec Week over on twitter!

read on ao3

This date is pretty damned perfect, if Yoongi says so himself.

It’s a sunny day, late autumn air crisp, and there’s no place he’d rather be right now.

Right now being at an open air market in a cozy Seoul neighborhood. There are dozens of stalls selling everything from cheese to ornaments to toys. When Taehyung had invited him here for their next date, Yoongi hadn’t hesitated to accept.

It’s comfortable in the way Taehyung doesn’t hesitate to pull Yoongi to whatever stall catches his eye and the conversation flows smoothly. They’ve only been together a few weeks but Yoongi’s never felt so good with someone else, so warm and comfortable and, frankly, not annoyed at extended amounts of quality time spent together.

Taehyung keeps him on his toes, though, all while making sure he’s not overwhelmed or tired out or just over it all.

And while he won’t ever say it out loud, at least not yet, Yoongi privately thinks that it might just be impossible to tell Taehyung no, that Yoongi would do anything with him if he just asked.

There’s just one tiny, teensy, very small problem that’s not really a problem at all but more of a conundrum.

“Hey, hyung, look at this,” his boyfriend’s voice brings Yoongi over from where he was looking at carved wooden animals to the stall next door where Taehyung’s eyeing a cupcake.

As he nears, Yoongi shivers a little and pulls his coat closer to him. They’ve been here an hour or so and the temperature is dropping. It’s still sunny and barely enough to notice but Yoongi, who hates the cold, can definitely feel the difference. Crowding closer to Taehyung under the guise of looking at the cupcakes too, their hands knock into each other. Yoongi’s heart beats a little faster, even at so small a gesture, and he wants.

He wants to hold Taehyung’s hand.

But he’s nervous. Everything is still so new and Yoongi has been told a time or two in the past that he can be too clingy, that once he’s comfortable with someone, he’s too comfortable and he doesn’t want to freak his new boyfriend out by holding hands when he clearly doesn’t feel the same need.

See Yoongi’s predicament.

They haven’t done much of anything yet. Really, Yoongi wonders if they don’t look like just friends when they’re out on dates for there’s no kissing, no holding close, no hand-holding or footsie under the table or anything really to give away that Yoongi likes Taehyung so much he feels like vibrating sometimes when he’s on the receiving end of that boxy grin, like he’s won something infinitely precious whenever Taehyung laughs at something he says or looks at him with wide eyes like he’s seeing everything Yoongi tries so hard to hide.

It’s a lot. Taehyung’s a lot but Yoongi kinda feels like a sunflower opening up under that intense stare and warm smile.

The two of them don’t say anything for a moment, just look over the display of baked goods before Taehyung shifts and Yoongi freezes when an arm drops over his shoulders, shivers-- though definitely not from the cold-- when he feels Taehyung speak low into his ear.

“What do you think, hyung? Salted caramel or blueberry lemon?”

It takes a minute for the words to register, Yoongi far too aware of how close his boyfriend is. He feels small tucked into Taehyung like this and apparently his boyfriend is a heater masquerading as a human person because he’s so warm that Yoongi feels himself starting to thaw almost immediately.

Debating, Yoongi stares at the two cupcakes before shrugging and turning to look at Taehyung. When he turns, Yoongi realizes just how close the two of them are and he’s breathless for a whole new reason. Taehyung doesn’t look affected though, just looks at him expectantly with a wide smile and patient eyes, waiting for him to make a decision, and Yoongi is in definite like.

A little flustered, Yoongi manages to whisper, “Salted caramel.” Taehyung’s grin widens.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he exclaims and turns toward the cashier to order.

Yoongi zones out a little, still leeching Taehyung’s body heat, but he startles when Taehyung holds out a steaming cup. “I ordered a hot chocolate too. Want to share?”

Smiling, Yoongi accepts the drink. Humming a little, he brings the cup up to his face and breathes in, warm chocolate making everything seem that much cozier. When he looks up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes, he sees Taehyung watching him with a fond smile, something quieter than his usual. “Thanks, Tae-ah.”

“No problem, hyung. You looked a little cold anyway.”

Before Yoongi can reply, Taehyung is turning to the next stall. Yoongi takes a sip of the hot chocolate and almost chokes on it when he feels Taehyung’s hand take hold of his.

Just like that. Casual, without thought, Taehyung reaches for Yoongi with the hand not holding the cupcake and slides their palms together, intertwining their fingers.

It’s such a simple gesture but Yoongi loves it. It’s the way Taehyung keeps him close, a point of contact when the crowd gets a little busier, and his hand is so warm, so inviting.

Handholding is one of his favorite things and he hates that it’s so underrated. It’s intimate without being too much-- Yoongi’s not one for public displays but he’d happily hold Taehyung’s hand for the rest of the day.

Yoongi hopes Taehyung is ready for that.

Still, as they trade sips of hot chocolate and bites of cupcake, Yoongi marvels at Taehyung’s confident approach. His grip isn’t tight, Yoongi more than capable of letting go if he wanted, but he's starting to think Taehyung might be more hands-on than he’d thought at the beginning. In the way he’d unselfconsciously pulled Yoongi close, the seamless way he’d reached out for him, Taehyung seems very comfortable with the kind of clinginess that had made Yoongi’s other partners wary in the past.

Yoongi can only hope.

As afternoon fades into early evening and Yoongi’s feet start hurting, he curls a little tighter into Taehyung whenever they stop at a stall, holding his hand all the while. Yoongi doesn’t let go.

Taehyung doesn’t either.

--

Taehyung is so tired he could cry.

His train had been delayed for hours and it’s finally pulling into Seoul, well after dark and it might even be past midnight but he doesn’t even want to check the time.

He’d gone home to visit his family back in Daegu for a couple of weeks but he’d been antsy to return to the city. His family had noticed his eagerness and had teased him mercilessly, asking him what could be so important that he kept his phone on him at all times when usually, Taehyung was content enough to leave his cell in his room and forget about it until he went to bed at night.

When Taehyung unexpectedly blushed at his family’s gentle ribbing, he’d been almost as surprised as them. Because while he has the habit for falling for people for split seconds or a heavy moment, he’s never been so into someone like he is with Yoongi.

His dad had latched onto the name and with a raised brow, asked his son if things were serious, if he could see things becoming serious.

At that, Taehyung had felt his cheeks warm even more, if that was possible. He’s only been dating Yoongi for a couple of months but he’s so deep in like that he can already see it tipping over into something else, something more.

Which brings him back to now when he’s finally back in Seoul, hours after he’d told Yoongi he’d arrive. Yoongi was going to pick him up at the train station but Taehyung had texted him when he’d realized that the minor delay had become a dead end stop, letting his boyfriend know that it was hard to tell when he’d be back, that hyung you don’t need to pick me up, I’ll just see you on Wednesday for our usual movie night, no really it’s fine, I don’t want you to stick around a freezing train station just waiting for me for who knows how long.

The two of them had texted for a while, bickering lightly back and forth about everything from Yoongi insisting that it wasn’t a problem, he could just camp out at a coffee shop nearby, to debating how penguins pick the perfect pebble to give to their mates.

That was until Taehyung’s phone had died and had officially cemented this as the worst day he’s had all month.

He has a meeting early in the morning and it will be at least another hour after they finally arrive at the station before Taehyung will be walking into his apartment. He’d been hoping to enjoy a few hours with his boyfriend after being away for a couple weeks-- it was a little embarrassing maybe, how much he’d missed Yoongi-- but no, Taehyung will be lucky if he stumbles back to his place and manages a few hours sleep before he has to face a hectic day full of meetings and a long shoot in the afternoon that will probably also drag on past midnight by the time all’s said and done.

Taehyung is so tired, not just because of today but how it will have a definite and potentially disastrous domino effect on tomorrow, and he just wants to curl up and rest and reset.

Hearing the automated voice announce that they’ve reached their final destination, Taehyung sighs, grabs his bag and picks up his trash. He exits the train, following everyone else out in a zombie queue of fatigue and bitter resignation.

Tossing his trash in the nearest garbage can, Taehyung’s just debating whether to call a cab or take the bus to his place when a voice breaks through the din.

“Taehyung-ah?”

Startled, Taehyung looks up and stares dumbly at the person who’d called out. In the back of his mind, he officially puts one Min Yoongi on the list of most stubborn people he knows.

“Yoongi-hyung?”

His boyfriend smiles and while it starts as a hesitant, soft thing, it quickly moves to a full grin, visible gums and all. In his exhausted, drained haze, Taehyung’s breath catches at just how pretty Yoongi is and how lucky he is to be on the receiving end of such a look.

Before he can say anything though, Yoongi’s reaching for his bag and throwing it over his own shoulder, rushing out, “I know you said that I didn’t have to wait and I’m sorry if I overstepped and you want alone time but I didn’t think you’d want to have to mess with finding a ride home and--” Yoongi cuts off for a minute, seems to take a big uncertain breath before he softly trails off with, “and I missed you and wanted to see you, even if it’s only for a car ride home and you kind of look like death warmed over, no offense.”

Taehyung just stares at him, mouth slightly parted as he listens to the rambling explanation. There are butterflies erupting somewhere in him before he even fully takes in Yoongi’s words.

Before he quite knows what he’s doing, Taehyung steps closer to Yoongi and throws his arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.

The impact is solid and Taehyung hears Yoongi let out a little oof, then a thud as Taehyung’s duffel bag falls off Yoongi’s shoulder onto the ground.

Neither one pays any mind to it.

Yoongi is still for a moment and Taehyung’s brain has just started to come back online. He’s blearily wondering if he’d moved too fast-- for even though they’ve been dating for a couple of months, this is their first hug, the first time they’re so close together with hardly any space between them-- when Yoongi must get over the shock that is Taehyung, with his defenses down and his overwhelming need for physical affection, fairly launching himself at the object of said affections.

Yoongi slowly brings his arms up to wrap around Taehyung’s middle and they both melt into the touch, Yoongi’s squeezing just a little, just enough to bring them that much closer.

Sighing, Taehyung feels boneless as he buries his nose in Yoongi’s hair and just breathes.

He doesn’t feel like crying anymore, which is a definite plus, and even though he’s still exhausted and thinking about tomorrow, being surrounded by Yoongi tempers Taehyung’s edges in a way he hadn’t really been expecting.

Taehyung swings between exuberance and meditative, sometimes lightning quick. He enjoys both sides of himself but has found that touch is the best way to ground him or get him out of his head. Hugging is one of his favorite things in the world but there’s always a level of wariness when he approaches it with partners.

To most people, hugging is nothing special. To most partners, hugging is laughably casual while still carrying an undercurrent of tension.

Taehyung doesn’t feel that tension. He has often, however, felt pressure-- the pressure of knowing that hugging isn’t anywhere close to enough for a lot of people, the pressure of wondering when the right time is to tell his partner that hugging means quite a bit to him, that anything much beyond that is totally and completely out of the question.

As he holds Yoongi close, Taehyung marvels at how warm his hyung is, how solidly they fit together. Taehyung feels safe and comfortable, a little bit like a melting marshmallow, all gooey and warm and like he never wants to peel himself away from his boyfriend.

It’s hard to tell how long the two of them stay like that, just hugging in silence on a rapidly emptying train platform but Taehyung’s overwhelmingly content.

He can’t help but wonder, even in this blissful state, what will happen when Yoongi figures it out, when he asks for more and Taehyung has to shut him down. Their relationship is moving slowly, in measured little increments that’s vastly satisfying even if Taehyung’s worried what will happen when they reach the inexorable end.

To his relief, though, Yoongi also seems happy enough to wiggle closer and sigh into Taehyung’s neck. He doesn’t try anything else and Taehyung’s happy.

He really likes Yoongi and he likes what they’re building. And while there’s always apprehension during a new relationship, Taehyung finds himself wishing very much that Yoongi proves the exception to what he privately acknowledges is a bit of a dismal dating history.

Yoongi finally pulls back and he’s grinning softly at Taehyung. “Ready to go home and pass out?”

Groaning, Taehyung steps back and raising his arms above his head, stretching and trying to wake up a little bit. “God, yes.”

“Let’s go, then.” Yoongi grabs the bag again and hauls it over his shoulder, ignoring Taehyung’s protests.

As the two of them turn towards the parking lot outside, Yoongi reaches out without looking and snags Taehyung’s hand. Swinging their joined hands a little, Taehyung sees his boyfriend’s pleased smile and can’t help but echo it.

Less than an hour later, when Yoongi pulls up to Taehyung’s apartment building, his boyfriend is a perfect gentleman as he gets out to walk Taehyung to the door.

They exchange goodbyes, reminding each other of their weekly movie night plans, and Taehyung has just put his key into the lock when Yoongi clears his throat. “Wait.”

Turning around, Taehyung looks at him a little confused. Yoongi’s smile is shy and his cheeks are a little warm as he shuffles closer and pulls Taehyung into one last hug. He smells like coffee and the strawberry shampoo he favors and Taehyung closes his eyes as he leans into his boyfriend, glad that Yoongi is comfortable enough to ask for what he wants-- and very happy that they seem to be on the same wavelength, at least about this, at least so far.

Yoongi waits until Taehyung’s inside the building before he turns to leave and Taehyung’s last thought before he flings himself into his bed, finally, and falls into a dreamless sleep is that he’s even closer to falling off the edge of like than he’d thought.

--

Unlocking the door, Yoongi finally takes a deep breath, letting it back out in a deep sigh.

Today sucked.

If it wasn’t one thing it was another. He’d slept past his alarm, which never happens, and so he hadn’t had time for his morning coffee before he’d had to rush to a meeting with the new head of the creative department at his company.

They’d ripped his prospective title track to shreds-- something about it not fitting the girl group’s image, something else that included changing the comeback concept that had already been approved weeks ago, even though Yoongi had consulted with all of the members and they had been very enthusiastic about his ideas.

He has a bit of a reputation at the company. He’s been with them for almost a decade-- going back to his high school days when he’d hung around as an unpaid intern, all wide eyes and hungry for knowledge about an industry he was determined to make his mark in.

Yoongi’s worked hard to become one of the lead producers for the company. He knows his shit is good and it had been a very difficult pill to swallow, listening to a manager who was younger than him tell him that his music was uninspired and ill fitting when he’s been working with the group longer than the other man had even been in the industry.

Still, Yoongi had buried down his simmering resentment and listened to what his colleague had said, even going so far as to write down the man’s suggestions.

He’d then talked to the girls who had been outraged on his behalf and promised that they hadn’t said anything, which had gone a long way in smoothing Yoongi’s ruffled feathers. He respects creative differences and knows that he is but a background influence that ultimately answers to the artists he creates for. But he has known this group since their pre-debut days and had been stressed and a little annoyed if they had truly hated his idea but had just gone along with him anyway.

Knowing that was not the case, especially based on other things the girls had said about their new manager, Yoongi had gone back to his studio to see if inspiration would work its magic with a few tweaked ideas.

Never let it be said that Min Yoongi wasn’t willing to compromise.

But not before going to the head of the company for his monthly meeting. Thankfully, Hitman Bang had been in a good mood and the meeting had gone as it usually does-- mostly talking shit about others and bouncing ideas for next quarter comebacks.

Yoongi had brought up the new creative department manager, which had lead to a lengthy discussion and Yoongi had left the executive suite feeling his bad mood significantly tempered.

Until he’d decided to head to the coffee shop around the block to make up for his missed caffeine hit from his late start. He’d ordered his usual americano, with an extra shot, and had just been reaching for the front door when someone else had crashed through the entrance and Yoongi’s coffee-- without a single sip taken-- had landed all over his hoodie.

The man had been an asshole about it, too. Had barely offered a half-ass apology before he’d walked up to the line and had taken a call right there in the busy shop, talking far too loudly and aggressively and looking patently unconcerned with the looks everyone else was throwing him.

Yoongi had stood by the door for a moment, the heat of the coffee stinging his stomach a little and had closed his eyes while he carefully, slowly, counted to fifty.

Deciding not to risk another incident, he’d just looked down at his ruined clothes and walked out of the coffee shop, going back to his studio where he thankfully kept a change of clothes.

Alas, his concentration was shot and Yoongi, even though clean and dry in a new pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, couldn’t focus. He’d grabbed his phone, hoping Taehyung might’ve spammed him with cute pictures of dogs as he’s wont to do but nothing.

Yoongi slumps in his chair and even if he’s judging himself, that doesn’t stop him from opening his message thread with Taehyung.

The last text is from two days ago and Yoongi knows that’s not long, not long at all, but he’s having a shitty day and he could really use his boyfriend right now.

Taehyung’s busy, though, and Yoongi won’t bother him just because he’s feeling a little whiny and tired. Something about pulling overtime for a magazine fuck-up that had mandated Taehyung retake and re-edit an entire shoot with a very tight turnaround.

Yoongi thinks about sending an encouraging message, something that doesn’t require a response but might make Taehyung smile if he happens to glance at his phone for a minute, but Yoongi doesn’t want to seem clingy or distract his boyfriend from work.

Yoongi knows he himself can be a terror when working under a deadline and sympathizes.

So, he fucks around a little on his software but doesn’t make much progress. His stomach rumbles but he’s too tired to get up and do anything about it so he just sits in his chair instead like a sad lump of unmolded clay. Spends more time staring into space than getting any work done, but Yoongi perseveres, at least long enough so that he doesn’t feel guilty leaving too early.

It’s not like anyone around here keeps a regular schedule but there’s a piece of Yoongi that doesn't want his bad day to have too much power over him.

The days are short and night falls quicker now that it’s the shitty time of winter, after the holidays when everything is just gray and sad and dingy.

Huddling in his coat, Yoongi makes it back to his apartment with single-minded focus, so drained that he fumbles with his keys.

Yeah, today really sucked but at least he’s home now and doesn’t have to be a person until morning.

His apartment is dark and he quickly changes into pajamas-- an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants he’s had since his college days.

He’s just ready to put something on Netflix, something he’s already seen a few dozen times, and enter a fugue state until it’s time for bed, when his doorbell rings.

Standing in the middle of his living room, Yoongi stares at the door intently, wondering who the fuck it could be. He’s not in the mood for Hoseok or Jin, knows that Namjoon is away in L.A. for a few weeks working on a private project.

Wondering if his day is about to be capped by being bludgeoned to death, Yoongi swings the door open. Everything rights itself as he leans against the door and takes in his unexpected visitor.

Because there his boyfriend is, smiling even though he looks tired himself and holding a bag that smells suspiciously, deliciously, like fried chicken.

“Special delivery,” Taehyung says hopefully and waves the bag around a little.

Holding the door open wider so he can come in, Yoongi asks, “What are you doing here? I thought you had a deadline?”

Handing Yoongi the bag as he takes his shoes and coat off, Taehyung hums. “And I nailed it! Finished a few hours early and decided to surprise you with dinner and a quiet night in.”

At this, he turns toward Yoongi and takes him in, smiling softly. “It looks like we could both use it.”

Nodding numbly, Yoongi goes into the kitchen to set the bags down and then turns back to Taehyung. Not expecting that, Taehyung bumps right into him but Yoongi just pulls him closer and tucks his head under his boyfriend’s chin. Breathing deep, he lets himself be held and lets a lot of the tension that had kept his spine stiff and resolute finally melt away.

That leaves exhaustion though, and Yoongi is almost dizzy with it-- he hasn’t been sleeping well lately and this bad day has just exacerbated things.

He lifts his head up to thank his boyfriend for such a lovely, welcomed surprise just as Taehyung ducks down to presumably kiss his hair. Because Yoongi’s moved though, the two end up kissing each other right on the mouth.

It’s just a peck, closed-mouth and over in a flash but it sends warmth trickling through Yoongi’s nerves. They’ve been dating for a few months and while there have been hugs and handholding and kisses on cheeks and hair, this is their first kiss, really.

If Yoongi’s being honest, he’s been waiting for this. Really, he’s been waiting for Taehyung to get impatient with the glacial pace of their relationship and to address it but his boyfriend seems happy enough-- very happy indeed-- to follow his lead and to show his affection in the several ways they’ve established so far that are very okay and very much in demand.

He hears Taehyung gasp when their lips disconnect and there’s a moment where the two of them stare at each other, wide eyed and surprised. But then Yoongi’s heart melts as he sees Taehyung’s cheeks flush warm pink, as he sees that boxy grin take over his boyfriend’s face but this time with a flustered edge.

“Was that okay,” Yoongi whispers, tilting his head up so that he can make eye contact with Taehyung. It’s not always easy for him but Yoongi wants to be sure they’re on the same page, wants to make sure that they’re both enjoying where things are taking them.

“So okay,” Taehyung whispers back before lowering his head until Yoongi feels his breath on his lips. “Want to do it again?”

And all Yoongi can think to say is, “Yes, please,” and he closes his eyes as he feels Taehyung kiss him again, mouth warm and gentle. They move together slowly, taking their time, learning each other in this new way, so exciting even if there’s no particular heat behind it.

Yoongi loses himself in Taehyung, in being surrounded and held close and in the gentle way Taehyung wants him.

It’s not too much. Right now, it’s just enough.

Yoongi smiles into the kiss, soft and slow, and Taehyung mirrors him until they’re grinning so much that they can’t keep kissing. He giggles as Taehyung takes that as an opportunity to plant smacking kisses over his face, squeezing him close until they’re breathless.

Without thinking, Yoongi murmurs, “Love this.”

He doesn’t freeze but his mind stills for a split second as Taehyung hears him, as his boyfriend kisses his ear and replies, “Love this, too.”

The two of them finally break away and Yoongi clears his throat, flustered and very much happy, as he turns toward the chicken that’s probably a little cold by now.

A few minutes later, they’re settling on the couch, plates full as they share the middle cushion. Yoongi asks what Taehyung’s in the mood to watch but he’s vague, hands the decision right back into Yoongi’s court.

So Yoongi puts on some sort of space documentary that he’s seen before. It’s a little dry but interesting enough when one doesn’t have the focus for anything better.

His apartment is silent besides the narrator’s voice on the television. Outside it starts to sleet, icy rain hitting the windows at a good clip. The little noise breaks Yoongi’s attention, makes him look over to where Taehyung is taking a sip of his drink, eyes not leaving the television as he learns some mathematical theorem that goes over Yoongi’s head, no matter that this is the third time he’s watching this documentary.

The weather is dismal tonight and Yoongi quietly thinks about offering Taehyung the option to stay the night. That’s something else they haven’t done yet and Yoongi’s a little nervous to bring it up, now, when they’ve just shared their first kiss.

He wonders if Taehyung will take that as an invitation, if he’ll think that Yoongi-- now that he’s comfortable with one form of intimacy, if he’ll throw open the door to more.

Yoongi very much will not be opening that door.

But he’s not an asshole and a part of him thinks that maybe he should just get it over with. Tell his boyfriend that kisses are okay-- good, great, amazing-- but that’s all Yoongi will ever want.

He’s loathe to do that, especially right now, today. He’s had a shitty day and the thought of confronting Taehyung’s desires-- even facing his questions seems like too much right now.

Really, Yoongi just wants to stay like this, as close to Taehyung as he can get. No pressure for anything else.

Taehyung finishes eating first. He puts his empty plate on the coffee table and leans back into the couch, throwing an arm over Yoongi’s shoulders.

Smiling as he takes a bite of rice, Yoongi settles deeper into Taehyung’s side. He doesn’t realize the breath he’s let out until Taehyung breaks the little spell that’s fallen over them.

“How was your day?”

With a little laugh, Yoongi shakes his head. “Incredibly shitty,” he replies dryly.

Taehyung hums, thumb brushes over his shoulder. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.” Yoongi finishes dinner, sets his plate next to Tae’s, and just as he starts to resettle, he reconsiders.

He hesitates for a moment, looking down as he thinks. When he looks up, his boyfriend is watching him with patient eyes, as though just waiting for Yoongi to make a decision.

So he does. They’ve long since established that Taehyung likes touch-- holding hands, hugs, the casual barely conscious gestures that are as easy to him as breathing.

Yoongi is a little more reticent. It often takes ages for him to warm up to someone but Taehyung makes him feel so warm and he wants him so much that he decides not to overthink things for once.

Yoongi takes a deep breath and very studiously avoids eye contact as he moves, shifting so that he’s curled into Taehyung’s side, throwing his legs over one of Taehyung’s. He reaches for the blanket he keeps on the back of his couch and settles it over them, smoothing it out just to draw out the moment.

Finally, he releases his breath and very carefully eases his head down until he’s resting on Taehyung’s shoulder.

He waits for Taehyung to say something, to move, but his boyfriend doesn’t do any of that. He just wraps his arm over Yoongi’s shoulder, lets it sweep down his back until his hand brushes his hip.

It’s nice. It’s beyond nice and just what Yoongi needs to end this hell of a day. He all but melts against Taehyung and he feels Taehyung’s smile as he kisses the top of his head.

They watch the rest of the documentary like that, cozy and wrapped around each other. Towards the end, Yoongi’s eyes start drifting closed and he brushes his nose over Taehyung’s chest, snuggling closer.

Taehyung huffs out a laugh but doesn’t say anything, just readjusts the blanket.

When the documentary is over, Yoongi’s barely conscious. He feels Taehyung shifting, though, like he’s getting up, and he wraps his arms around him tighter. “No,” he mumbles, voice muffled since he’s talking into Taehyung’s shirt.

Taehyung brushes a hand through Yoongi’s hair and Yoongi leans into the gesture, silently asking for more.

Taehyung obliges but quietly says, “I should probably get going, hyung. It’s getting late and the weather’s turned to shit. I want to make sure I catch the last bus home.”

“No,” Yoongi repeats. “Stay.”

Taehyung stills and in Yoongi’s sleepy brain, an inkling starts that maybe Taehyung doesn’t want to stay. He opens his mouth to back track, to make sure he doesn’t feel any pressure, but his boyfriend beats him to it.

“You want me to spend the night?”

His voice sounds a little vulnerable and that’s what makes Yoongi straighten, blanket dropping around him as he looks up and finally takes in his face.

Taehyung blinks but he’s biting his lip nervously.

Yoongi nods and reaches up, gently tugging Taehyung’s bottom lip from his teeth. He brushes his thumb over Tae’s cheek, watches him slowly blink.

“I want you to spend the night,” Yoongi says simply. “You’ve had a hard week and I don’t want you out in this kind of weather if I can help it. Plus, you’re better than a pillow,” he grins.

Taehyung grins too, quick and bright, before it dims a little and he’s staring at Yoongi with a look in his eye that’s a little too intense for so late at night. “Just to sleep?”

“Yeah?” It’s Yoongi’s turn to blink. “I haven’t slept more than three hours a night this month and I’m about to pass out. There’s no way we’re doing anything but sleeping. Are you not tired?”

His mind is a little fuzzy and he feels a little dumb but it’s almost midnight and he had been so close to sleep before Taehyung had started to leave. He just wants to get back to that point as quickly as possible. He really hopes Taehyung doesn’t want to put another movie on-- his couch is comfortable but his bed is even more so and he doesn’t want to actually fall asleep just to have to drag himself to bed later.

Taehyung watches him for an impenetrable moment before he’s smiling again and standing abruptly. Yoongi groans as he almost falls face first where Taehyung was just sitting and Tae laughs as he hauls Yoongi up too, tangled in the blanket.

“Time to sleep,” Taehyung says brightly and Yoongi groans again but doesn’t try to hide his smile as he lets the blanket fall to the floor.

Deciding to leave it until morning, he forgets about the blanket as he guides Taehyung down the hallway, towards his bedroom. He has an extra toothbrush and offers Taehyung some clothes to change into and they stumble through a night time routine that’s remarkably comfortable, for all it’s their first time.

Yoongi blames it on the fact that he’s too tired to give a shit and as soon as he’s done, he falls into bed. Taehyung joins him seconds later and without thinking, Yoongi’s scooting closer, shifting until he’s right back where he was on the couch.

He settles against Taehyung’s side, laying his head over his heart and sighing deep as he wraps an arm around Taehyung’s middle.

Taehyung, for his part, seems comfortable, relaxing into the sheets and tangling their legs together. One of his arms sweeps down Yoongi’s back and it feels so good-- Yoongi is quickly falling back asleep-- until his boyfriend’s hand lands on his hip.

Yoongi stiffens a little as Taehyung’s hand slides under his shirt to rest against the bare skin of his lower back.

Suddenly more awake, Yoongi’s unaccountably nervous. Only now does it occur to him what Taehyung might have meant when he asked if they’d just be sleeping and he feels a little stupid for not picking up the hint earlier.

Still, Taehyung’s breathing slow and deep-- he might even already be asleep-- and Yoongi knows that he doesn’t have anything to worry about, that at least for tonight he could shy away and talk to him tomorrow, lay all his cards out on the table and deal with the fallout then.

He’s so deep into his thoughts, wondering if that hand is innocent or if there’s deeper meaning lingering in the touch, when Taehyung suddenly stills.

He deliberately moves his hand an inch, moves his thumb over the sensitive skin of Yoongi’s back.

Yoongi shivers but holds his breath.

“This okay?” Taehyung whispers the question into his ear, kisses it for good measure.

Knowing all the ways this could blow up in his face, Yoongi pushes up to his elbows and makes out Taehyung’s face in the moonlight. His eyes are sleepy but there’s a focus there and it’s all on Yoongi.

He doesn’t answer right away, takes stock. The truth is, he has no problems with this-- as long as this is what it stays.

He likes being close to Taehyung, likes when his boyfriend pulls him closer, stakes a claim even.

And Taehyung’s hand is warm, almost burning on his back, and it feels good, damned good.

Shaking his head a little, Yoongi eventually says, “It’s fine.” His voice is low as he tacks on, “No more, though.”

Part of him thinks that Taehyung might protest. Even if it’s late, even if neither of them had intentions, Yoongi’s been with people in the past who took one no as an always no-- and while it would be an always no from him, Yoongi didn’t want to deal with that headache tonight.

Thankfully, it looks like his momentary stress was unneeded. Taehyung just grins, sleepy at the edges, and pulls Yoongi down to kiss him. It’s firm but closed mouth and when he ends it a few seconds later, he gently guides Yoongi back to their previous position.

“No more,” he agrees easily enough.

It feels like Taehyung falls asleep the next minute, hand heavy on Yoongi’s back, breathing even.

Yoongi, for his part, knows that he’s not far behind.

Curling into Taehyung’s warmth, Yoongi sleeps better than he has in weeks. His last thought before passing out is that he’s so glad he met Taehyung, so happy that they’re here now, that he has someone who listens and cares and seems fine with going slowly.

Burying his face in Taehyung’s neck, Yoongi sighs, kisses his pulse, and falls asleep.

--

Without opening his eyes, Taehyung knows that it’s midmorning. The sun is bright against his eyelids and he shies away from it, buries his face in a messy mop of hair that smells like strawberries.

It’s only when the body attached to the messy hair wiggles a little that Taehyung wakes up enough to notice their position.

Now, Taehyung knows that he needs something to hold on to when he’s sleeping. In Jimin’s more colorful words, he’s a goddamn octopus-- and like the predator, will only squeeze you tighter if you try to escape.

It is what it is, as far as he’s concerned. However, things always get a little more complicated when he starts sleeping with someone new.

Yoongi-- so far at least-- is proving to be the exception to every rule Taehyung’s got.

They’ve been together for months at this point and Taehyung has taken to sleeping over at least once a week. Ever since that first time when he’d surprised Yoongi with dinner and had stayed late enough for his boyfriend to offer, it’s become a new little tradition of theirs.

Taehyung will come over for movie nights and almost always ends up spending the night. It’s a nice routine they’ve settled into, spicing it up occasionally with a weekend too, or a night at Taehyung’s, though that happens less often because he lives with Jimin.

It’s been weeks of them sleeping together and Taehyung loves it. He was uncertain that first night when Yoongi had asked him to stay. He’s taken dates up on that in the past, only for them to clearly have meant something by it.

That night, Taehyung was wiped out from fixing a screw-up with work and Yoongi had clearly had the day from hell but Taehyung’s always been a little amazed and repulsed at just how frequently people like to have sex, no matter their mood. He’d taken a chance on Yoongi, though, and it had paid off.

It was nice and easy getting ready for bed together and Yoongi’s thread count is definitely higher than his own because his hyung’s bed felt like a cloud and Taehyung had been sinking fast.

So fast, he’d been mostly asleep when he’d slipped a hand under his boyfriend’s shirt-- Taehyung likes skinship, especially when falling asleep with someone-- and hadn’t really noticed anything amiss until he’d realized Yoongi was stiff as a board on top of him.

He’d been so enjoying this new level of their relationship-- they kissed! Yoongi was comfortable enough to cuddle with him! They were sleeping in the same bed!-- but as soon as he’d realized, Taehyung had been stressed, even mostly asleep.

Wondering if Yoongi was going to take his hand as an invitation-- or perhaps they just weren’t ready yet-- he’d been very relieved when Yoongi had let the hand stay with a firm order of nothing else.

Taehyung was beyond happy to stick to Yoongi’s limits, especially considering his own would’ve been damn near identical.

When they’d woken up the next morning, Taehyung had been wrapped around Yoongi, which is not dissimilar to how they are now.

Yoongi makes a very good little spoon, curving back into Taehyung, limp and soft around the edges.

Taehyung has a leg over Yoongi’s hip, an arm slung low over his middle, fingers brushing over the bare skin of his stomach. His nose is in Yoongi’s hair, a little ticklish but too nice to make him move away.

This isn’t the first time Taehyung’s woken up like this, but each time there’s a tiny almost imperceptible but definitely present sliver of dread that spreads through him. There’s not an inch of space between them and Taehyung worries that it’s too much, too intimate or suggestive.

Every morning they wake up together, Taehyung wonders if this will be the time Yoongi wants more. They’ve been dating for almost five months but Yoongi has yet to even hint that he wants to have sex.

Most of his relationships have ended right around this time. When his partners realize that Taehyung isn’t a prude or just shy, when they finally understand that Taehyung means it when he says sex will not be happening and that time won’t change his mind, that nothing can change his mind on the matter.

Yoongi is such a gentleman, though. His grumpy hyung, Taehyung thinks sleepily with a grin. Yoongi never pushes Taehyung, never makes it feel like he’s just waiting for Taehyung to give the green light. He acts sincerely pleased and satisfied with what they do now. The cuddling is a wonderfully often thing these days, Yoongi soaking up affection like a sun-soaked kitten.

Then there’s the kissing. Things get a little heated sometimes but Yoongi never reaches for more, seems content enough to sit in Taehyung’s lap and hold him close and kiss him until he’s breathless.

Taehyung’s never waited so long to tell his partner that he’s ace but things are going so well with Yoongi. He doesn’t want to jinx it.

Which brings him to now. While Taehyung rarely likes to look a gift horse in the mouth, he’s well aware that many people wake up in a certain mood.

Thankfully, things have never been awkward with Yoongi but every morning, Taehyung wonders if this is it, if Yoongi will turn around and kiss Taehyung but keep going past his limits.

Granted, Yoongi doesn’t know his limits and would never play fast and loose with them if he did but it’s usually the kind of thing one learns in the heat of the moment, at least in Taehyung’s experience.

It’s starting to be a bit much, if Taehyung’s being honest. He’s getting tired of worrying about Yoongi’s reactions to things. He’s a perfect boyfriend-- grumpy yes but also soft and encouraging and attentive. He listens to Taehyung and surprises him with date ideas or little gifts that he says just remind him of Taehyung, always checks in when he knows Taehyung has something big going on.

He can talk to Yoongi about everything-- well most everything-- and his hyung makes him laugh and fills him with so much fondness that he knows it’s love at this point.

Not that he’s said anything, at least not yet, but Taehyung knows he’s rapidly reaching the point where he won’t be able to hold the words back-- not when Yoongi bowls a strike and does his funny little dance or when he’s cooking in Taehyung and Jimin’s tiny kitchen and trying to teach them too or when he’s working on song lyrics and looks so completely in his own little world that Taehyung’s left captivated by how pretty and talented his boyfriend is.

Taehyung’s so gone for Yoongi.

But every time he realizes that, he remembers that there’s a very important piece of himself that he hasn’t shared. He remembers that it affects their relationship, that it could bruise or even break it.

Taehyung doesn’t like to admit it but the prospect of Yoongi not being okay with things-- being so patient only under the guise that eventually everything would come to fruition-- makes Taehyung’s gut coil with dread.

Those thoughts and their implications are getting harder to ignore but whenever Yoongi starts wiggling around again, this time with purpose, it’s still so easy to put it on the back burner.

It’s hard to focus on tomorrow’s uncertainty when he has Yoongi in his arms, soft with sleep and smiling up at him with eyes narrowed against the sun.

“Morning,” Yoongi says softly, voice so low it’s almost indecipherable.

Humming a silly little tune, Taehyung leans down and kisses Yoongi. “Good morning, hyung.”

The two of them rest like that and Taehyung is almost positive Yoongi’s falling back asleep.

Taehyung doesn’t know how long they sleep like that, sheets warming under the morning sun until it’s almost too hot. He doesn’t move though, stuck in the sticky sweet feeling of being so close to Yoongi.

He’s learned a lot about Yoongi since they started dating. It took ages for Yoongi to become comfortable with him but Taehyung has patience to spare when it counts and watching his Suga-hyung-- as he’s taken to calling his boyfriend just to see him blush-- get to the point where he doesn’t hesitate to reach out, to ask for affection, makes Taehyung’s heart bloom with a combination of pride and fondness.

Yoongi curls up tighter into Taehyung. His breath is warm and slow against Taehyung’s neck and there’s no place he’d rather be, then right here.

They have plans to meet their friends later for dinner but until then, it’s just the two of them, wrapped around each other, enjoying the closeness.

This is Taehyung’s favorite kind of intimacy, when he’s so close to someone else that his own edges are blurred. He doesn’t need more than this, definitely doesn’t want anything else. For now, he rests with Yoongi and decides not to worry about expectations or confessions.

The quiet beckons when Yoongi’s the one he’s sharing it with. Taehyung wiggles down until they’re ’re face to face, ignoring his boyfriend grumbling about how he was already comfortable.

“Suga-hyung,” Taehyung whispers and Yoongi’s eyelids flutter even if he keeps them closed. His smile peaks out though, small and shy, and he ducks his head to keep Taehyung from seeing.

Yoongi’s too adorable, Taehyung thinks and he just knows his face is doing something stupid, his heart eyes out full force, his grin so wide his cheeks ache with the fondness of it all.

Shifting closer, he’s surprised when Yoongi’s the one who closes the last bit of distance between them. Eyes still closed, his lips find Taehyung’s and he sighs into the kiss, something soft and slow that makes Taehyung feel like melting chocolate.

They spend most of the morning like that, trading kisses between dozing and it’s Taehyung’s idea of perfection, his official favorite way to start the day.

--

Taehyung kisses like spun sugar with a molten edge and Yoongi can’t get enough. His boyfriend lets out these tiny little sounds, low whimpers, and Yoongi makes them his own.

Breaking apart for a split second to catch his breath, Yoongi dives back in. Taehyung’s hands sweep down, from resting against his throat all the way down to his hips and then he’s tugging Yoongi up, nudging him until he gets the hint.

Yoongi keeps kissing him as he’s half-lifted, half scrambles into his boyfriend’s lap. He’s so warm and Yoongi leans into it, just a little desperate.

It’s fun to lose himself in Taehyung-- in his hands, surrounded by his scent, lost in the way Taehyung keeps him close, then closer still.

They don’t do this often but sometimes Yoongi gets in a mood. Sometimes Taehyung looks at him and his gaze-- always intense-- burns straight through him. For Yoongi, this is one of his final doors unlocked and left open.

Taehyung walks through it like he’s done with all the rest-- tentatively, and then once it’s established that they’re both okay with the latest boundary line, with a shameless kind of enthusiasm.

Kissing is intimate for Yoongi and it had taken him a long time to realize that just because he liked it-- not just greeting pecks and chaste morning kisses-- but the way warmth flows throw him when he’s breathing someone else’s air, the slow sometimes desperate sweep of tongue, the bite-then-soothe rhythm that makes his mind all hazy at the edges, didn’t mean he had to like the rest.

In college, there had been enough drunken makeout sessions in corners of low lit living rooms or the dark edges of a bar’s dance floor for Yoongi to realize that he liked kissing well enough but enjoyed it far more when he knew the person, when there was an extra level of safety and fondness that just made everything that much better, that much easier to let himself go.

In college, he’d also learned that most people took Yoongi’s enjoyment for consent to everything else. He’d had more than one person call him a tease, tell him that he’d lead them on.

For most people, these kinds of kisses would only be a precursor to more but this, right here, is Yoongi’s happy place.

Taehyung’s hair is messy with the way Yoongi’s been running his hands through it. He holds Yoongi securely, close but not tight, and he hums into the kiss, wanting but not needy.

Taehyung hasn’t ever hinted for more-- never urged Yoongi past his comfort zone. There’s no desperate bucking of hips, no pulling and grinding, nothing but Taehyung’s mouth, warm and eager, and his hands wandering over Yoongi’s back.

Yoongi startles a little, though, as Taehyung’s hands smooth down to land on his ass, not groping or aggressive, just resting. He pulls back because this is new territory and even though Taehyung doesn’t seem especially eager for more, Yoongi needs to know what he’s thinking, if his wandering hands are trying to guide Yoongi into something else.

After all, they’ve been dating for almost six months and this is the most they’ve done. Yoongi knows by now that his boyfriend possesses the patience of a saint, that he’s guilelessly happy no matter what they’re doing, but Yoongi’s never made it this far into a relationship without The Talk happening.

He’s breathing a little fast and takes a few seconds to catch his breath, to settle. Taehyung lets him but can’t seem to resist a quick nip to his bottom lip before he noses along Yoongi’s jaw.

His hands are still on Yoongi’s ass, warm even through denim.

“Taehyungie,” Yoongi whispers, taking a deep breath and meeting his boyfriend’s eyes. “Your hands are on my butt,” he says plainly, part question.

Taehyung grins, pats his ass like he’s proud of himself. “You have a very cute butt, Yoongi-ah,” he replies seriously. His lips twitch into a smile he tries to tamp down.

Despite feeling his cheeks warm, Yoongi wraps his arms around Taehyung’s neck and leans in until their foreheads are touching. “Are you trying to get into my pants, Taehyung-ah?”

Watching the way Taehyung’s eyes widen, Yoongi almost wants to laugh at the panicked look that flares in his boyfriend’s eyes but he keeps his expression the same-- encouraging but carefully blank.

“What-- no, hyung, I promise I’m not trying to get into your pants! You’re just very pretty like this and I wasn’t lying when I said your butt is very cute and soft and I-- Well, I guess I just touched it without thinking,” Taehyung ends sheepishly before lifting his hands off Yoongi entirely and letting them rest in the space between them.

His head is bowed low now so Yoongi can’t read his face but he knows Taehyung. It’s been almost six months and his Taehyungie hasn’t ever been anything but honest with him.

Ignoring the brief stab of guilt that he can’t say the same right now, Yoongi just stares down at the top of Taehyung’s head and wonders where this puts them.

He doesn’t have any particular problems with Taehyung’s hands on his ass. It was just the implication that this could be leading to more that had made Yoongi pause and reconsider. But if this is what it stays-- just kissing and affectionate little touches-- he’s more than okay with that.

Biting his lip a little as he thinks, Yoongi finally clears his throat and offers, “You can put your hands back.”

Looking up, Taehyung studies his face with a combination of wariness and pleasant surprise. “Are you sure,” he asks. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and I want to make sure you know that I’m not expecting anything else. This is fine-- great, perfect-- and I am more than okay with how things are right now.”

Smiling at how his boyfriend is always so eager to make sure they’re both comfortable, Yoongi feels his blush deepen as he reaches for Taehyung’s hands and brings them around until they’re firmly planted on his ass.

“I’m sure,” he says with a grin. He tilts Taehyung’s chin up and like this, straddling him, Yoongi’s taller. “As long as you’re really okay that this is all we do.”

His voice drops a little and there’s a shiver of smugness as he sees the way his boyfriend’s eyes darken at his tone. “I really like kissing you, Taehyung-ah. Want to keep doing that for awhile, if that’s okay with you.”

Taehyung swallows, eyes dropping to Yoongi’s lips. He seems almost dazed as he replies, “That’s fine, hyung. More than fine. Love kissing you, my sweet Suga-hyung,” in a low tone, eyes shining in a mix of anticipation and delight.

Yoongi’s still smiling when he lowers until he’s sitting in Taehyung’s lap, hands clasped behind his neck as he plays with hair at Taehyung’s nape, long and a little grown out.

Humming into the kiss, Taehyung relaxes and things pick back up where they left off.

There’s just something about Taehyung that makes Yoongi’s defenses shatter, almost on their own. He still worries about Taehyung’s reaction-- has talked to Namjoon and Jin and Hobi enough that they’re probably sick of him-- but when they’re like this, just the two of them sharing the same breath, Yoongi really can’t imagine anything changing.

He knows that’s probably naive, that there’s no way he could be lucky enough to find someone so completely okay with never having sex, someone who could find the same ease and contentment in simple kissing but he thinks Taehyung has to come pretty close.

Losing track of time, Yoongi and Taehyung don’t come up for air until the shadows grow long over his apartment, until the sun’s almost completely set and he feels warm and gooey at the edges, just a little sleepy, like Taehyung had poured his warmth into him until he was overflowing.

His mouth feels a little numb, swollen and throbbing lightly and when he pulls back a scant inch, Taehyung’s eyes are dark and Yoongi almost loses himself in the way his boyfriend watches him, not seeming to miss a thing.

But then Taehyung grins and it’s wide and open and desperately satisfied. He leans in until his nose brushes Yoongi’s and Yoongi’s own smile deepens until he can barely see and he just knows his gums are showing.

“Cutie,” Taehyung whispers and it sounds like he’s talking more to himself than to Yoongi.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, just looks up at Taehyung. He knows there are stars in his eyes and in this moment, it slides home, everything that Taehyung makes him feel.

They fit together in a way Yoongi’s never really had, especially not with a partner. He makes Yoongi laugh, makes him feel safe and like there’s no place he’d rather be than right at his side.

Yoongi suddenly knows that this is it, this is love. He’s in love with Taehyung and the realization isn’t a dousing of cold water but more like sinking into a warm bath.

On its heels, though, is the apprehension of wondering what his boyfriend will say when he finally comes clean. His smile doesn’t falter and he still hugs Taehyung close for long minutes after the kissing is over, when they’re catching their breath and letting things simmer back down to simply enjoying each other’s closeness.

Still, Yoongi’s brain flies startling quick in the background, knowing that he has to tell Taehyung soon that he’s ace and that being okay with kissing for now has to mean being okay with kissing always.

Slowly, his heart slows to match Taehyung’s and he hums as Taehyung plays absently with his hair, as his other hand moves to rest against his back in a gesture that’s become almost expected.

Soon, Yoongi thinks. He’ll tell Taehyung soon and deal with whatever fallout emerges as best he can.

--

Taehyung turns off the water, reaches for a towel and absently wraps it around his waist.

He’d stayed the night at Yoongi’s again and the two of them have plans to spend the entire weekend together. The weather is supposed to be pleasant-- sunny and warm but not hot-- and they’re starting things off with brunch at home before Yoongi’s taking him to a tech expo.

Taehyung’s already made dinner reservations at a spot nearby, aims to surprise Yoongi with dinner on their patio. Afterwards, they’re going to an evening exhibition of a local art museum that Taehyung had bought tickets to months before.

It’s their six month anniversary and as he gets dressed, Taehyung finds himself smiling, something bright and happy at the way they’ve grown together the past half-year.

Things are so good with Yoongi. They’ve had a few disagreements-- when Yoongi brushed him off for a week because his mental health had made everything hard and exhausting and he hadn’t wanted to drag Taehyung down with him or when Taehyung had become uncharacteristically short with Yoongi for a few days, work riding him hard and his frustration and stress had plopped itself right in the middle of their relationship.

They talked, though, and those minor blips only served to make them stronger.

Still, it’s been six months and they haven’t talked about sex. Taehyung has a deep and abiding love for kissing and realizing that Yoongi felt the same, that this was something else they could enjoy together, had made Taehyung light up from the inside, all warm and fuzzy with the feelings Yoongi brings out in him.

At this point, Taehyung doesn’t know how to broach the subject. Six months is a long time to keep something like this under wraps and no matter how Jungkook and Jimin tell him that Yoongi is so gone for him that there’s no question, they’ll make it through this even better than before, Taehyung’s been burned in the past and it’s that lingering fear that keeps him in place now.

Yoongi never pressures him, never hints that he’s unsatisfied with things. They’ve reached a point where they’re almost too comfortable with each other.

Taehyung’s unselfconscious about nudity and Yoongi doesn’t mind when he leaves the shower, using his towel to rub at his hair instead of to cover his modesty. Yoongi, by contrast, is still shy and had only recently become comfortable enough to walk around shirtless when Taehyung’s around.

They’ve grown so much and Taehyung knows the little things about Yoongi that can both drive him crazy and make him feel like he’s going to explode in a mess of fondness and love. He knows how his boyfriend takes his tea, what his go-to candle scent is, the most effective ways to get him out of his head when he’s on the edge of drowning.

And Yoongi knows him, too. He knows that Taehyung doesn’t like coffee but has an unabashed weakness for smoothies. He knows when to dig in his heels about something and when to let Taehyung come to him. Yoongi sometimes surprises him with how observant he is, even when it seems like he wasn’t paying attention to something to begin with.

All of which bring Taehyung to now. Taehyung keeps a few things over at Yoongi’s now and he takes his time getting ready, the strong smell of coffee and vanilla letting him know that Yoongi’s well underway in cooking breakfast.

Makeup done, just enough to define his eyes and make his complexion flawless, Taehyung runs a hand through his hair and heads toward the hallway that will open up into the living room and kitchen.

The thoughts about finally telling Yoongi have been weighing heavier in his mind and when he sees his boyfriend, cracking eggs into a large glass bowl in between sips of coffee, Taehyung’s mind blanks at the perfect picture in front of him.

He blames that for the way his mouth just acts on its own.

“Is anything missing with us, hyung?”

Yoongi looks up from the eggs and frowns as he meets Taehyung’s gaze. “No?”

While Taehyung’s internal yelling at himself for broaching the subject today of all days when things are going so well and it’s supposed to be a calm, no-stress weekend, he just repeats, “No?” His voice is tight with suspicion. He supposes that now that he’s started, he might as well just finish things.

Yoongi squints at him. “No. Do you think anything is lacking between us?”

Taken aback, Taehyung just blinks. “Of course not.”

Yoongi looks like he wants to say something-- eyes flicking to the side, avoiding his gaze-- but he doesn’t. “Okay.”

And apparently Taehyung’s brain has just lost all sense because he doesn’t leave well enough alone. Yoongi seems uneasy and Taehyung doesn’t want him to feel bad even if he can’t give him what he wants.

Deciding to just go for it, Taehyung takes a deep breath. “Do you want to have sex,” he asks bluntly.

Yoongi, who had been taking a drink from his coffee, chokes. Taehyung rushes over and pats him on the back, maybe a little too hard in his panicked zeal and Yoongi winces, coughing a little.

Yoongi recovers from the brink of death a little too fast, if Taehyung is being completely honest because it’s just moments later that the kitchen is completely silent and waiting for an answer is becoming agonizing.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything for a long while and Taehyung’s nerves are crackling at what it must mean. His boyfriend must be trying to find a delicate way to let Taehyung know that he’s patient but he’s definitely waiting.

Now that he’s not coughing a lung out, Yoongi’s facade has shifted into something blank. Taehyung can’t get a read on him, which is concerning since he’s prided himself on learning his boyfriend over the past several months. Yoongi is never blank with him, not anymore.

Finally, Yoongi clears his throat. Instead of answering, though, he just flips the tables. “Do you want to have sex?”

And Taehyung’s brain is fried from the past four minutes so he just answers without thinking too much about it. “No,” he says, firm but with an undercurrent of nervousness.

Yoongi stills. Looks up until he’s looking right into Taehyung’s eyes. “No?”

His voice is soft, aching with uncertainty, and Taehyung suddenly feels so, so bad that Yoongi must think that he’s not into him or something else equally as wrong and off the mark.

It takes more courage than Taehyung thought he had, to maintain eye contact and to finally say what’s been hiding on his tongue all along. “Yoongi-hyung, I love you but I don’t want to have sex with you. I’ll never want to have sex with you.”

Taehyung expects Yoongi to look shocked, maybe a little offended.

Yoongi proves him right on the first count, eyes going wide as he stares at Taehyung like he doesn’t know him. However, instead of going on the defensive, it’s like all of Yoongi’s strings have been cut and he fairly collapses into Taehyung, burying his face in Tae’s sweater.

“Oh, thank God.” His voice is muffled but Taehyung hears him perfectly clearly nonetheless.

Now it’s Taehyung’s turn to be confused. Before he can do much more than open his mouth, though, Yoongi’s straightening and looking up at him with a smile that takes over his whole face.

“Taehyung-ah,” he says slowly, making sure that Taehyung’s paying attention. “I have something to tell you.”

Rubbing an arm up and down Yoongi’s back, Taehyung just nods at him encouragingly. “Go ahead, hyung. I’m listening.”

Taking a slow breath, Yoongi says, “I’m ace, Taehyung. I don’t want to have sex with you either.”

Taehyung blinks. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Parses through the handful of words that have just set his world off its axis for a split moment before it rights itself again and then suddenly he’s laughing.

It’s soft with a hysterical edge that neither mention. “Oh my God,” he says, voice shocked but the delight seeping through.

Suddenly, everything makes sense.

Yoongi holds him as Taehyung makes himself smaller, small enough to bury his face in Yoongi’s neck. He wonders if his boyfriend can feel his smile against his skin.

Running careful fingers through his hair, Yoongi kisses the shell of Taehyung’s ear. “We should’ve known,” he says wisely.

Sighing, Taehyung melts into Yoongi’s embrace. “Yeah,” he agrees. “Though I did think it was weird that I slept over so much and you never tried anything.”

Yoongi huffs out a laugh. “You gave me a heart attack when you slid your hand under my shirt that first time. Not to mention when you grabbed my ass.”

Laugh loud in the quiet between them, Taehyung straightens so he can look at Yoongi fully. “I was so worried to tell you that I was ace. I thought it would ruin things, or at least bruise them for a little while.”

Yoongi sighs and this time there’s a sad edge to it. “I was worried too,” he confesses quietly. “Especially once so much time had passed. Thought you might think I was leading you on.”

Slowly, Taehyung shakes his head. “Never, hyung,” he whispers.

Smiling a little, Yoongi raises a little on his toes until he’s the same height as Taehyung and then he leans in and kisses Taehyung. It’s something delicate and full of wonder. “I’m glad we’ve finally got that cleared up,” he mumbles between them and Taehyung just hums in response.

The waffles are definitely cold by now and the eggs are forgotten as Taehyung kisses Yoongi in the kitchen.

The sun is bright and a weight he hadn’t even known was so heavy is lifted away from him, makes him feel free and invincible and like all is right in the world-- in his own little world with Yoongi.

Thinking about the morning’s developments, he laughs a little into their kiss and Yoongi starts smiling until it’s hard to kiss at all.

In hindsight, there were probably so many signs that he and Yoongi had always been on the right wavelength, even if they’d been too stuck in their heads to see it.

Pulling back a little, Taehyung rubs their noses together just to see Yoongi’s face scrunch, cute and reluctantly endeared.

“What are your limits, Yoongi-hyung?” He asks, curious and not wanting to run into any more misunderstandings.

Yoongi shrugs. “We’ve pretty much hit them all,” he says with an open expression. “I love kissing and don’t mind if it gets a little messy but I’ll never want anything more-- anything below the belt. What about you?”

Humming a little, Taehyung slowly waltzes them out of the kitchen and into the living room. “I’ve gone further and haven’t hated it but I’d prefer not to do anything that involves removing underwear. I love kissing, though, especially when it’s you. I like holding you, like feeling you on top of me,” he admits softly and smiles as he sees pink sweep over his Suga-hyung’s cheeks.

He moves them until they’re falling onto the couch in a mess of limbs. Yoongi’s looking up at him like he’s hung the stars in the sky just for them and Taehyung soaks up the wide-eyed look like he’s bottling sunshine.

Yoongi sighs a little, rests his head against Taehyung’s cheeks.

Taehyung enjoys the quiet. He settles into the knowledge that nothing has to change, that everything can stay just as perfect as it’s been. While he knows there will be disagreements in the future, he can rest easy knowing now that sex will never be a reason why.

He doesn’t realize just how close he is to falling asleep with Yoongi as a warm weight in his arms, until his boyfriend suddenly straightens.

“Taehyung-ah,” Yoongi says softly, carding his fingers through his hair.

Looking up, Taehyung sees Yoongi watching him with the softest look. “What is it, hyung?”

Silent for a minute, Yoongi finally just smiles. He ducks close for a quick kiss and when he pulls back, he’s grinning. “I love you.”

Eyes going wide, Taehyung repeats the words in his head a few hundred times in the space it takes Yoongi to blink innocently.

Taehyung feels struck dumb, hearing the words making him so happy he can hardly bear it, and Yoongi just takes it in stride.

“Earlier you said that you loved me but you didn’t want to have sex with me. I figured I shouldn’t leave you hanging,” Yoongi says casually.

And Taehyung hadn’t even realized that he’d confessed, not when his heart had been going a mile a minute at the prospect of telling Yoongi his biggest secret that wasn’t ever supposed to be a secret, not really at least. A secret of omission, he supposes absently.

“You love me,” he finally asks, too vulnerable. He’s not surprised, not really, it had just been a shock to hear the words-- because while Yoongi doesn’t hide once he’s comfortable, he still keeps words close to his chest like they’re infinitely valuable jewels that must be looked after with care.

Yoongi’s love is in the way he cares for others, the way he cares for Taehyung. To hear the words makes Taehyung’s heart settle into something that feels a lot like home.

“I love you,” Yoongi says again, just as light but twice as serious.

Taehyung grins and pulls Yoongi close in a hug that squeezes his ribs. “I love you too, hyung. My grumpy sweet, kitten hyung.”

Yoongi’s rolling his eyes when Taehyung releases him and the two just watch each other for a few minutes. Taehyung’s lost in his boyfriend’s eyes, so clear and deep and showing everything he feels.

The past six months have gone by in the blink of an eye, Yoongi settling into his life so quietly, so completely, that Taehyung is still realizing how connected they’ve become.

Taehyung feels good, so good, knowing that they’re on the same page where it counts, that they’re both comfortable and safe and loved.

Yoongi kisses his shoulder, nosing along it like a kitten looking for love, and Taehyung does his best to make sure he always feels the force of it.

They lose track of time, and most of breakfast is unsalvageable by the time they remember.

They clean up the kitchen-- it taking twice as long as it should since they stop so often for quick pecks and not-so-quick kisses that make Taehyung’s smile dopey at the corners-- and they end up just stopping by a coffee shop on the way to the expo.

And Taehyung listens as Yoongi goes on for long minutes at every stall they pass, talking about how cool the technology is or what he could do with such equipment or what he’s hoping to see next year.

And hours later, when it’s his turn to show Yoongi around the museum, losing himself in talking about technique and little trivia facts about the artists, Taehyung comes back to himself just to see Yoongi staring up at him with wide eyes, completely attentive and so fond that it makes Taehyung’s heart ache in sympathy.

They end the day wrapped together and Taehyung falls asleep close enough to feel Yoongi’s heart beat, feeling his own echo in tandem.

[planetbass]

bro all 25 of those aspec asks, hit it

holy shit dude, alright

Space, dragon, or cake ace?

space

How long have you known you were ace?

probably since i was 12 or smth? whenever i first found out what it was, which was when i joined tumblr. as for arospec, i went by grayromantic for a little bit, i don’t remember when that started. by mid to late 2015 i was going by full aromantic. 

Favorite part of being ace?

it’s one less thing to worry about lmao.

Least favorite part of being ace?

all the discourse n gatekeeping around it on tumblr. the constant ‘not feeling lgbt enough’ despite having other lgbt identities. 

Intimacy, yay or nay?

depends but typically nay

What kind of moments make you think “oh yeah, I’m definitely ace”

when i hear abt other people my age (or even younger) engaging in sexual acts all the time. it’s just like,, ?????? yall do that??

What’s your theoretical type?

we talkin looks? cuz idc. when it comes to crushes i’ve had in the past, it was always someone that could make me laugh.

Are you in / would you want a QPR?

i’d be open to the idea

Describe your ideal romantic/platonic partner

someone with a similar sense of humor, and someone that i never really feel drained being around. someone who shares the same interests as me.

Say your best aspec pickup line

i literally have nothing to say or think of here

Most underrated form of intimacy?

being weird together

Favorite music genre?

alternative, typically. folk/folk rock etc. indie, or whatever tf you’d call mili.

Any really niche interests?

defunct theme parks

What’s the first movie/show you think of when you think “unnecessary sex scene” or “unnecessary romantic subplot”

supernatural. marvel movies. 

Rather than sex/romance, media would be much better off with more ____

FOUND FAMILY. m/f friendships that don’t turn into romance. intimate platonic m/m relationships. more diversity in general. 

Do you experience the aspec obliviousness when it comes to innuendos or the like?

nope i’m hyperaware

Do you have an ace ring?

are we talkin abt like a physical ring or like, a friend group, or smth else. either way no. but majority of my friends happen to be acespec

Do you want kids, or pets?

definitely want pets. i don’t necessarily want kids or plan on having them, but if i ever did end up with kids somehow i would definitely want to adopt. 

Instead of sex, I’d rather have ____

all of the zelda merch

Favorite movie/book/game genre?

movie/show - comedy, feel-good, fantasy, slice of life, musical

book - mystery, thriller/suspense, horror, sci-fi, comedy

game - rpg, adventure, single-player, story-driven, horror/psychological horror 

Could you see yourself in a relationship with a sexual person?

big maybe. i’d probably shy away from it

Name something you do that’s ace culture

eat cereal at 2 am

Are people surprised when you say you’re ace, or not?

i don’t really mention it, and when i do its just to ppl online. so no not rly.

Are you out to people?

nah. my friends know and that’s good enough for me.

If you could live somewhere with only aspec people, would you?

maybe. i don’t know if id want to live somewhere with only aspec people, but a society that’s severely less sexualized sounds ideal.