#Lots of THoughts about This Game Pelase Talke to Me

[nibinsects]

thinking bout them a lot

[tastethegrace]

Analysis from Week 1 - Thomas Merton

I'm going to try to compile my notes this week into a brief reflection for each section of the passage.

“What is serious to men is often very trivial in the sight of God. What in God might appear to us as "play" is perhaps what he Himself takes most seriously."

I kept coming back to this quote every couple of days. This speaks to the great inversion of values, the difference between humans and God. I love how what God takes seriously is what might appear to humans as "play." Consider what this means. The first thing that came to my mind was...God has fun. And he takes his fun seriously. That might be obvious, but it's worth noticing. The second thing is that, considering what humans consider "play," this seems to refer to reveling in the moment, matters of the heart, matters of patterns, music, dance, joy, laughter...everything that makes life worth living. God is a God of play.

At any rate, the Lord plays and diverts Himself in the garden of His creation, and if we could let go of our own obsession with what we think is the meaning of it all, we might be able to hear His call and follow Him in His mysterious, cosmic dance.

What I found fascinating here was that God seems to set the tone by playing himself. Then, he invites us to play with him. We just don't hear him because we're too busy trying to figure out why creation is the way it is.

This reminds me a lot of Ted Dekker's books. In several, a Jesus figure is written as a boy, full of mischief and fun, but also full of uncommon depth and compassion.

We do not have to go very far to catch echoes of that game, and of that dancing. When we are alone on a starlit night; when by chance we see the migrating birds in autumn descending on a grove of junipers to rest and eat; when we see children in a moment when they are really children; when we know love in our own hearts; or when, like the Japanese poet Bashō we hear an old frog land in a quiet pond with a solitary splash--at such times the awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the "newness," the emptiness and the purity of vision that make themselves evident, provide a glimpse of the cosmic dance.

I love this section. Echoes of that dancing. As St. John of the Cross put it, "We realize that the Beloved has passed this way in haste...we see traces of the divine." All of these moments, whether they be the natural processes of creation, a momentary realization of pure innocence, or a window into real love...all of these things are traces of the divine.

I love the words Merton chooses here to describe all these moments....awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the newness, the emptiness and the purity of vision... On that last one, emptiness seems less to be about absence and more about patience. I only say this because it's easy to think about emptiness as someone taking something away...but I think it's more like a blank canvas. It's pure. It's waiting to be filled.

For the world and time are the dance of the Lord in emptiness. The silence of the spheres is the music of a wedding feast. The more we persist in misunderstanding the phenomena of life, the more we analyze them out into strange finalities and complex purposes of our own, the more we involve ourselves in sadness, absurdity and despair. But it does not matter much, because no despair of ours can alter the reality of things; or stain the joy of the cosmic dance which is always there. Indeed, we are in the midst of it, and it is in the midst of us, for it beats in our very blood, whether we want it to or not.

This section really got to me.

The first two lines really focus on the poetry of creation. How the world itself is the dance of the Lord. How the silence of the stars, sun and moon overhead is the music. How beautiful that is to think about! The heavenly bodies themselves sing in silence to accompany the Lord's dance, which is in fact, the Earth spinning and moving, teeming with life.

The middle section is interesting as well. Humans often misunderstand the phemonoma around us. We come up with "strange finalities" and "complex purposes of our own." I love these phrases. We think we've reached the end when we haven't scratched the surface. We make complex what is so simple. We force the purposes to be human-centered, when they are far more universal. We make what is big small, and what is small, big.

It is the end that got me hard. No despair we can possibly have can alter REALITY. No despair can stain the JOY of the DANCE, always there. It BEATS in our BLOOD, whether we WANT IT TO OR NOT. A few things here: I love this proclamation that the Dance will keep going, whether or not we acknowledge it. The Dance itself is reality. But not only are we the midst of this grand, cosmic movement in time, but that dance also moves through us. It is in the midst of us. It beats in our blood whether we want it to or not. I freaking love this visceral, physical image. Our circulatory system, our cells, our heartbeat...all of it is to the rhythm of the dance. And we can't stop it from doing so.

Yet the fact remains that we are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast our awful solemnity to the winds and join in the general dance.”

When someone forgets themselves, they do something that is not characteristic of them, or forget where they are/who they are with. Basically, it's usually by accident, and it's usually embarrassing. However, we are invited to do this on purpose and join in with what the rest of creation is already doing.

This reminds me of David dancing naked in the streets, and how pelased God was.

I have other notes I'm going to include here that are from Jim Finley's discussion of the text. I pulled so much from here that was important.

1. Merton once said at a talk that Creation was never a one-time thing. It happens all the time. Creation is absolute and perpetual. So, ultimately speaking, the infinite presence of God is pouring itself out, giving itself away, and presencing itself as the intimate immediacy of our very presence, the presence of others, and the presence of all things, which are nothingness without God.

--I have been chewing on this all week. Creation is absolute, meaning that it is total, without qualifications. Creation is also perpetual, meaning that it never ends. If you consider that it is the presence of God that creates, wouldn't that mean that his very presence is what sustains us? And what is another word for presence? Intimacy. Love. So therefore, the Love of God is what sustains us (more on this next).

--When we see intimate presence, whether in ourselves, other people, or in nature, that's because God is pouring his love out on that thing, always being present to it and through it. His love is the whole reason it exists in the first place.

2. “You are nothing -- absolutely nothing-- outside and other than the love of God giving itself to you as your very life. But it is your very nothingness without God that makes your presence to be the presence of God. That’s the paradox that lies at the heart of all reality, which then renders that the universe is God’s body -- embodying forth the love that is uttering it into being.”

--Jim Finley went on to use the following example. "If God stopped loving you when I counted to three, on three, you would cease to exist." God doesn't just create once and then make sure it keeps going, he creates every single breath, every single movement of cells, everything in me that grows, everything in me that dies...it's all a new outpouring of his love. Every breath is a new creation.

--I LOVE this idea that all of creation is an embodiment of the love of God. It brings concreteness to something abstract so that it can be grasped, at least in some form.

3. “In God, we live and move and have our being.” - Acts 17:28 “We’re living our life in the vast interiority of God, pouring herself out and giving herself away, as every breath, heartbeat, and passing moment of our lives.”

--First, this is a moment where God is referred to in the feminine. Again, I love that so much. It's beautiful. "Pouring out" is an action that is especially powerful when God is viewed as a mother.

--The idea that I am living within God's love, that it is so vast that it covers me, surrounds me, and penetrates within me...it makes me realize how hard it is to remember it.

--Jim gave the following example: Imagine that you lived in a mansion, but due to an unfortunate mental condition, you thought you lived in a tent behind the garage. A therapist might say to you, "I would never lie to you about this. You actually live in the mansion." And then you say, "No, I couldn't. I don't even feel worthy to go inside that place." This example SLAYED me, because it is me. It's why earlier in the week, I was surprised by how much anger and resistance was aroused by this meditation. It's like something in me recognized the implications of this before my mind did. I reacted as though I did not want the mansion to reach me. I didn't want the love of God to touch and embrace that thing within me that I hate so much. This week has been about learning to relent and receive in that way.

I am a blind man that, every now and then, is awakened to the reality that I live in the mansion of God's love, but then I go blind again. I forget. I cannot abide in it as I wish to. Which leads me to the next point.

4. “We are to put our faith in the love that is giving itself to us in our inability to abide in it. In my inability to abide in it, it abides in me, precious in my confusion and wayward ways.”

--In my weakness, he is strong. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

--The image that it is in the very fact that I am unable to abide in God, that God, that God abides in me even more...I am secure, even when I'm not. I am always held. God is relentless. God loves weakness. That thing I hate? God embraces it. Oh, sweet weakness! You are precious in the sight of God. My confusion is precious in the sight of God. My wayward ways are precious in the sight of God. Why? Because in my weakness, he covers me. The strength and light of his love protects me. His grace guides me. In my heart, I am a child, and God is my mother. I am the lost sheep that he finds over and over again, rejoicing every time. In my own strength, I am nothing. But in my NOTHINGNESS, I am everything, for God dwells in THAT place. k

Things that have challenged me this week:

- The idea that all of creation doesn't just testify to God's presence, goodness, and love, but that it in and of itself is divine, because God is dancing. When he dances, things come to life. His dance is a dance of love. Which leads me to my next challenging idea.

- I am God. Let me clarify this. I am not God himself. There is a separateness in identity. But I am divine in the sense that I am created in and through the love of God, constantly, all the time. I am One and always endeavoring to be more One with God. We are unified in that love. God makes me every moment and says, "It is very good."

These ideas push hard against what I've grown up with: an understanding that I am a lowly sinner that is totally undeserving. Here's the thing, though. I know that I am undeserving of God's grace. But I am not lowly. My righteousness is not as filthy rags. That might be what the biblical writers thought of themselves, but that is not what God thinks of me at all.

Perhaps it is good to begin in a place of understanding our humble place in the vast cosmos and our redemptive need for God's grace so that we do not grow entitled. But I think that I'm now beginning to grow up in my faith. I'm just beginning to embrace the constant newness, inversion, and divine nature that comes with being called a saint and a son of God. These things are true of us now. Right now. Yet I have been blind to see the fruit. I just want to breathe it all in, all of the goodness, all of the love of God, and keep breathing it. I want to see it move. I want to see the hidden things, the mysteries, unfold before my eyes in the smallest of ways. I want to dance with God. I want to know the steps. I want to laugh with him, and I want him to hold me as I cry with him. He is everywhere, and he is in me. I am one piece of his nature, completely unique, and yet totally Him.

All of this stuff may not hit you the way it's hitting me, and that's okay. I'll probably forget it this time next week.

But God is good, God is gracious, and God is Love. And so I will be grateful that He has opened my eyes, even for a few moments, to see just how big His love and His grace actually are.

[reddeadredemptiontrash]

The only person that I feel like could calm me down and make me feel kind of okay right now I haven’t really been able to talk to for over a week now.

The last time I saw him and we hung out, things were perfect. Things were okay. And now I’m just scared that things are going to happen again and I can’t do it. Like, I can’t mentally deal with it if it happens again. I can’t lose him.

I appreciate and adore this boy so fucking much y’all. Even through all the shit, the 4-5 months we didnt really talk, I never hated him, I couldn’t hate him if I wanted to.

I know I’m probably overreacting and freaking out over nothing, but it’s how it happened last time. The texting and talking all the time became a few times a day to every other day to hardly once or twice a week to nothing. He told me he’s alright, just working and getting stuff done around his house, but my anxiety has me tripping the fuck out:

I can truly say that I have never felt this way about anyone before, not even the dude before him, let’s call T.

T and I talked for roughly 5-6 months before things fell apart, and we never stepped out of the friendship stage, despite me confessing my feelings for the first time EVER to someone.

Cute dude and I have been talking for almost a year, and I’ve known him a little over a year. I don’t know about him, but I feel like we’re in the “not friends but not together” stage.

I never kissed T.

I never cuddled or hugged T like I do cute dude.

I never told things to T that I have to cute dude.

I never ached for T like I have cute dude.

I thought I knew what happiness felt like with T, driving 3 hours every month to see him felt right.

But with cute dude, he is literally like home. He’s more home than my actual home is. He’s the first person I think of when I’m sad, upset, anxious....

He’s the one I’ve told everything to. I’ve been completely and utterly honest since day one. He has too. He’s told me stuff that he said he’s never talked about with anyone else because he trusted me. We’ve had deep conversations about stuff that we both have trouble with but there’s always been that connection.

And I know he’s went through a lot. People ask me why I stuck around to a boy who’s “emotional unavailable” when it’s not that he’s emotional unavailable, just has this big wall built around him that’s hard to break down. And I feel like every time I start breaking it down, he panics and starts building it up again. Every time we get close, it’s like he knows and freaks out. He’s told me he’s scared of getting hurt again and his last few relationships fucked him up mentally.

I just don’t know what to do to get it through his head how much I care about him. I thought he finally started to understand, but it almost feels like he’s distancing himself again, and this time is even more confusing.

The last time, we hadn’t kissed, cuddled, talked to each other like we have. I feel so confused with the mixed signals. He’s told me he just doesn’t feel ready for a relationship right now and I told him that we could take our time if that’s what he needed, that if I’m better as a friend right now than that’s okay.

But friends don’t kiss friends. Friends don’t cuddle friends like we do. Friends don’t talk about a potential future together.

I’m just at a loss right now. I just wish I could read his mind sometimes. I wish we had a mutual friend that I could talk to, something. I just want to understand him more. I want to know everything about him and how to go about these things.

I really hope it doesn’t happen again, my heart can’t handle that. Of course, unlike last time, I’m not going to distance myself too unless he asks that of me. I will straight up be like “No, we can’t do this again. Please, let’s talk about this, what you’re going through, what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking so I can stop playing a guessing game. I know it’s hard, but you HAVE to open up to me and we have to discuss these things because although I’d love to, I can’t read minds and I need to know the proper way of going about this.”

It’s hard trying to understand, even when I go through similar things, especially since we both suffer from severe anxiety, but it’s like we handle them in completely different ways and his way is a bit confusing, which my way is probably just as confusing to him.

I get overly attached and when my anxiety kicks in, I tend to clutch onto that person or thing because I’m afraid they’re going to disappear and slip away because they always do.

He pushes everyone and everything away, he won’t answer messages of concern or waits until it gets to a point where someone goes looking for him and he brushes it off as being busy. (which is why I’m so worried rn, bevause yes he works a lot and does a lot outside of work but he’s been so... distant suddenly. again.)

I’m just worried for him. I’m giving it time because he’s told me multiple times that this is something he does and can’t help or stop. He comes back around, but the last time this happened for 5 months. I can’t wait 5 more months not knowing what’s going on.

I’ve told him that. I’ve told him how worried and concerned I was and that was the reason I never stopped talking to him because I wasn’t giving up on him unless he told me himself he didn’t want anything to do with me. But things are different now. I want to clarify what exactly we are and if he ever intends to be more than what we are, but if so, the pushing away thing HAS to be worked out and something needs to be figured out so we can work through it for future reference instead of the guessing game which leads to hurt and confusion, especially now that things have changed between us.

Sorry to ramble, but I have no one and nowhere to go. I don’t want to mention this to my friends or close family because of last time. I don’t want people to hate him and things to be said when it could be nothing. I’ve tried to explain to them that this is a normal thing he does and I’m working on understanding it more, but people keep trying to tell me it’s an excuse. He’s never lied to me, he’s always been honest and I trust him with my entire heart. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have stuck around and I wouldn’t feel the way I do towards him still.

I just want this to work out. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I have him. He’s someone I truly can see myself with, and I don’t want to freak him out by telling him, but I just wish I could get it through his head that I do love him, I love him a lot. It’s a scary word and I don’t want to throw it out to him yet, but I want him to know that I’m not going to be like his exes, I would never ever cheat on him, manipulate him, anything like that.

I don’t know my dudes, I’m not a religious person but I’m praying to whoever is up there to just... please. It’s been such a good 3 months, my mental health (aside from the panic attacks I’ve had in the last week) has been the best it’s been in a while, I’m actually looking forward to being in my hometown for a while, and I feel like I have someone. Just pelase, I don’t know what I need to do, but I’ll do anything to keep my life going the way it has the last few months. I can’t handle another relapse.