#Like how I wish I could make my men otome and my woman beautiful little beans or queens or both

[nyanykamito]

it being the month of my birth I gotta find something awesome to draw, mind you I have a list of things I wanna draw.

Sdv Oc

Oc x canon fluff

Naruto oc yes I'm returning to my roots

Rwby sun flakes/bright ideas

Rwby autumn shenanigans/strawbana

Create more ocs

Create cover art

Create a comic

Chibi stuff

Art trades

More magical girls

The list goes on...but sadly this doesn't include my wife list rip

[ga-yuu]

My opinions on Ikemen Prince Characters...

Leon

He’s okay. Nothing so much special. Just a milder version of Masamune and more energetic Napoleon. Other than that I don’t find him that much special. Also his route is okay. The ending made me scratch my head a little. That’s all I can say about him.

Yves

Yves is cute. I love how he’s always unlucky. He’s the tsundere character and although I have seen a lot of those type, I still can’t get enough. I think I’m the only one who thinks this way but Yves reminds of Barbie dolls. His blue eyes and blonde hair makes him look like a barbie doll not a prince. Also his room is pink and elegant. Also I love how he always changes from a tsundere to a doting brother when he talks about Licht. He has the most beautiful smile according to me.

Licht

Licht for me is like a robot. When heard Licht’s voice, he sounded like a robot. Also his clothes looks like its made of steel. Like the buttons on his jacket looks like screws for some odd reason. So Licht is the depressed guy of this game. I haven’t played his route because for some reason nothing was encouraging me to play his route. But other than that I like Licht little more than Nokto.

Nokto

The fox of this game. But I’ll be honest, I love Mitsuhide and Tamamo more than this guy if I had to compare fox characters. Nokto is the flirt and polar opposite of his brother. I love Nokto’s voice actor though and that’s the only thing I love about this character. I only played halfway through his route and stopped playing for some reason. I have no idea why I leave the routes halfway, maybe because I find it boring or maybe because I’m not interested on going further because I don’t feel any kind of emotions at all.

Jin

Jin Jin Jin....where do I even start with this one. I’m a person who is obsessed with older men so taking that in mind, I should be liking this character. But that’s not the case. I FREAKING HATE Jin very much. I feel like he’s a showoff. Whenever I see him, I always cringe. He’s like ikesen Shingen’s clone for some reason. But Shingen is funny and always compliments Mai-chan which is also funny. When he says those generic pick up lines I kind of chuckle because they don’t work on Mai-chan because she is from the 21st century. Jin is just AAGHH!! This happens when he talks about boobs and stuff. It just kills my mood when I eagerly progress through the story and suddenly out of nowhere this guy shows up. Also, why doesn’t he button up his shirt? I know it is obviously for fanservice and that’s another reason why I don’t like him. I know he is also the big brother and all, but I don’t want a big brother who talks about boobs and walking shirtless around desperately to look like a daddy. Rather I would like to have a brother who is matured and occasionally spoil me. This makes me think, what makes a man ‘daddy’? 

 Chevalier

Chevalier, according to me is somewhat of the normal and much more relatable character. I love him because of how intelligent and practical he is. He doesn’t care about how people see him and always works for his country to make it a better place. Cheva’s route was the first one I’ve played till the end, and it was not that bad because he and Clavis was the only thing best about the route. I love how he calls everyone nicknames and also his obsession with romantic novels. I sometimes wonder if I give him novels like Twilight and 50 shades of grey, will he read them too? Also if he is present in this era, will he be watching romantic k-dramas? Who knows? Maybe he will.

Cheva also has the best chemistry with Clavis than any other characters (including Emma), where Clavis is always teasing him and Cheva is like “......”. Cheva is much more better daddy than Jin.

Clavis

I FREAKING LOVE HIM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!! According to me, he’s the best thing about this entire game. I’m just waiting for this guy to come home so can slowly take my time and enjoy his story to the fullest. If someone asks me the reason for my liking this guy, I would say ‘IDK.’ Seriously, I have no idea why I like this guy so much and I have also seen other players liking him so much. I only re-installed this game for playing this guy’s route. So cybird, I won’t be telling you to release his route quickly. I want the writers to take their time and come up with a better storyline for him. Don’t ruin him please!!! Because the recent routes were not that great for me. So take your time, and write a good story. I’ll wait as much as you want only for this guy.

Luke

Luke is my 3rd favorite character after Clavis and Cheva, because I think he’s a very good person. He’s the right person to talk to when you’re feeling down. Also his obsession with honey. Hehe....I love that about him. He’s quite unique. I don’t know much about him about he’s the kind of character that I won’t hate no matter what. Such a calming personality.

Sariel

Okay. So is it just me or almost all the male character with glasses in otome games are portrayed as a sadistic devil who likes to punish MC by whipping her ass. Because of how much otome games I have seen and played, these type of characters always has a whip in their hands. Well there are exceptions like Sasuke in ikesen. So since its so common, when I saw Sariel for the first time, I expected him to be the same and I was not wrong. So, I just don’t find anything interesting about him. Just another glasses character to fill the sadistic slot in the game.

Rio

This man is soooooooooooo annoying sometimes. Other times he’s okay. I know he’s Emma friend and always follows her like a little puppy wanting for affection but he’s just so annoying when he starts to talk good things about Emma. He just never shuts up. No matter how many times he is friend-zoned by Emma he never gives up. I feel bad, at the same time annoyed. Whenever he starts praising Emma, I’ll be having the same expression as Sariel and tells him to shut up. That’s all.

Bonus:

Emma (MC)

This list is not complete without Emma of course. Emma is like a boring version of MC from ikevamp. She is portrayed as this kind and innocent young lady with the most purest heart in the entire town. But for me, she is this dumb woman who lives in her own fairytale world and once she started learning the reality, she’s all scared. Sometime she’s bearable but other time she’s just boring. I love brave MCs who fights her fears and stands up on her own, rather than a dull one, who is just there for the sake of romance and fanservice. Seriously she makes some of the routes even more boring to play. Good things about her is just that she’s kind person and that’s all. I wish I could say she is fierce but sadly she’s not. If I get to play very badass MC or MCs who have much more than being kind like a tsundere MC, won’t mind the story even if it’s too blunt. Playing like that would make me happy than being called dumb or stupid by male characters.

[the-voltage-diaries]

Music Shuffle Tag~ 🎶

TASK: It’s easy, all you have to do is put your music library on shuffle and list the first ten songs. Feel free to add in some personal liner notes if you’re inclined!

First off, thanks a lot for the tag, @lin-ful ! <3

Secondly, I’m kind of stuck because I listen to two playlists on repeat, both have a large number of songs and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to compile them... or maybe I’m just too lazy to google it. So what we’re gonna do is make two versions of it, and lmao that’ll just give you more fun stuff to binge listen to if you wish~

List 1: K-pop

This playlist is basically my K-pop music. Some honorable mentions that couldn’t make the list: Oh My God (G-IDLE), Monster (Irene x Seulgi), Way Back Home (SHAUN), Chica (Chung Ha).

1. Heel - NO:EL, Loco

I recently added this to my playlist bc @some-ikemen-snob recommended it and her recommendations are the shit 😎 . And this song IS the shit. So, yeah. 

2. Say My Name - ATEEZ

I remember hearing this song while randomly scrolling through youtube, and I recall when I saw it pop up for the nth time in my recommendations I was baffled at the hype it had, and then I finally heard it and bam now it’s in my playlist.😅

3. Touch - NCT 127

This song is so cute, and the choreography too! I’m absolutely obsessed with the choreography at the “Na na nananana” part, it’s addicting to watch. 

4. Beautiful Goodbye - Chen

Chen’s voice, I mean do I even need to say anything more?

5. Playboy - EXO

This song does things to me. I mean, the way Kai whispers “Play... boy” or rather half moans half groans should be declared illegal. 😉

6. Dinner - Suho, Jane Jang

I love the music and how well both their voices blend in with it. It’s one of my favourites, for sure. ❤️

7. HIP - MAMAMOO

This was the first ever song of MAMAMOO’s I ever heard, and dare I say I fell for Hwa sa after that. I mean have you seen that woman? And the rest too, of course. Such badasses.

8. My Love - Baekhyun

I love his voice so, so much ❤️ ! This song is so calming, so peaceful. It’s the kind of music I would play when I’m stressed, when I’m out, when it’s raining and basically the point is why would you stop playing this?

9. Stay With Me - Chanyeol, Punch

I needn’t explain my obsession love for this song, need I? This song is loved by almost everyone I know who watches K-dramas (even if they don’t listen to Kpop), and that’s because it is indeed such a great song! If you haven’t heard it yet, do give it a try~ 💕

10. 무제(無題) (Untitled, 2014) - G-DRAGON

If you dislike this song, we’re gonna have problems. It’s a masterpiece, one of G-dragon’s most amazing works 💙 . It’s... yeah, I have no words to describe how beautiful this song is.

List 2: Bollywood Classics

Grab a cup of tea, sit down and plug in your earphones. Close your eyes and just let the music take over you, because this is gonna be good.🤭

Honorable Mentions [DO CHECK THEM OUT IF YOU LIKE THE SONGS IN THE PLAYLIST]: Aa Chal Ke Tujhe (Kishore Kumar), Mein Shayar Toh Nahi (Shailendra Singh), Babuji Dheere Chalna (Geeta Dutt), Abhi Na Jao Chod Kar (Asha Bhosle, Mohammed Rafi), Bade Achhe Lagte Hain (Amit Kumar), Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein (Lata Mangeshkar, Mukesh).

1. Lag Ja Gale Se Phir - Lata Mangeshkar

This song is one of the most popular ones when it comes to classics, and I don’t doubt it because Lata Mangeshkar’s voice is so, so, so sweet and so perfect damn 💜 . Also it’s from a black and white movie and it’s still pretty popular so I hope that speaks for itself? lmao

2. Aaja Sanam Madhur Chandni Men - Lata Mangeshkar, Manna Day

Can you tell Lata Mangeshkar was a popular singer of those times? Her voice is so amazing I swear. And this song’s lyrics and tune is so catchy. Again, it’s from a black and white movie.  🤭

3. Aap Ki Ankhon Mein Kuch - Lata Mangeshkar, Kishore Kumar

Kishore Kumar is SUCH A CLASSIC. He’s a legend, and if my playlist hadn’t brought up one of his songs I’d have sued Spotify. That said, Kishore Kumar was and Indian playback singer, actor, music director, lyricist, writer, director, producer and screenwriter. Need I say more about this man? Also, this song’s lyrics are so respectful and deep, I love those times. 

4. Chala Jata Hoon - Kishore Kumar

Kishore Kumar with his voice, and Rakesh Khanna with his acting for such a powerful duo. You’ll find many more of his songs in this list, most probably. My mom introduced me to Kishore Kumar’s music (She’s a hardcore fan btw) and I haven’t looked back since. Proudly so. <3

5. Tera Mujhse Hai Pehle Ka Naata Koi - Kishore Kumar, Sushma Shrestha

Sharmila Tagore was a beauty, no doubt. And this song has two versions. I’ll link the other one here. Can you tell I’m basically speechless and have no idea how to form sentences with have a flow?

6. Tum Itna Jo Muskura Rahe Ho - Jagjit Singh

The main lyric basically translates to “Why are you smiling so much? What’s is this pain that you’re hiding? You’re smiling so much.” and if that isn’t meaningful, I don’t know what is. Moreover, Jagjit Singh’s voice is so soothing to the ears, I could listen to this song every day and never get tired of it.  🥰

7. Yeh Sham Mastani - Kishore Kumar

Can you guess who the actor is? Damn straight, it’s Rajesh Khanna. I need help 😅 I love Kishore Kumar’s voice so much hELp.

8. Ek Ajnabee Haseena Se - Kishore Kumar

Yes, it’s Rajesh Khanna who’s the actor, yet again. Moreover, this song is so beautiful, so awesome, so pretty, so everything I LOVE IT SO MUCH GAH.

9. Pyar Hame Kis Mod Pe - Kishore Kumar, R. D. Burman, Bhupinder Singh, Sapan Chakraborty, Gulshan Bawra

I kid you not my heart did a little flip when I checked out the youtube video to add the link and saw Amitabh Bachhan 🤭 😂 . Amitabh Bachhan now looks sophisticated and classy, but the Amitabh in his younger days looked so freaking handsome I’m deceased, and I need help. Oh sweet lords, and this song. This song is everything, such deep voices, the lyrics, the beats, this song is EVERYTHING and if you hate this we’re gonna have problems. Also Amitabh Bachhan OH MY GOD HE LOOKS SO NICE

10. Zindagi Kaisi Hai Paheli - Manna Day

Spotify did me good, not gonna lie. It literally saved the best for the last. ❤️ This song is one of my absolute, ultimate, top favourites and that’s because Manna Day’s voice does justice to everything, Rajesh Khanna, the lyrics, the song, us, everything. It’s so pleasing and a complete joy to listen to.

Bonus: Na Tum Hame Jaano - Hemant Kumar

It’s beautiful. I had to. That’s it. ❤️

Ahhh this was so much fun! I had such a good time starting my day off with some of my favourites, so thanks a lot for the tag again, Lin!

I’m gonna tag: @joaxotome , @bakutae , @bibbletae , @voltage-vixen , @awesomeallseeingeye , @otome-writer51 , @redninjakitty14rp , @rougepetale , @rhionhatter , and @anyone else I forgot or anyone who wants to do this!

You don’t have to do this if you don’t feel like it <3

[darkmindsotome]

Risque Rouge pt15

Tagging: @umbralaperture​ @otome-smut-queen @silver-fox-of-azuchi @tsundere-mitsuhide @jennacat84

General warnings for the whole fic: Angst, some fluff, Mental health issues, emotional things, trauma, blood, death and possible triggers. Please read responsibly. 

Darkmindsotome Masterlist

---

Chapter 15

As plans went this had been perfect. It was an accident that could have happened at any time and in any part of the city. He was lucky to already know exactly where he could find a coach without its driver, all he needed was the perfect moment. Everything was arranged and it would have been considered simple bad luck that someone should be fatally crushed under the sheer force of the runaway horse dragging its carriage. It would have worked, should have worked.

Latour looked at the failure of what should have been a gloriously devastating demise. His eyes burned with hatred as he watched the female interact with the two men from his hiding place.

“Curses!” He hissed as his fist pounded the wall of the building before, he spun on his heel snarling as he walked away.

---

This had to be an out of the frying pan into the fire moment. Evie watched the two men in a silent standoff feeling completely useless. It was true she had run and she was scared. Yes, Comte had been part of the reason for that but he hadn’t hurt her. She did wonder about his approach when they were at the café but not once in all the times, they had been together, was he anything less than pleasant and kind.

Evie was more than aware he had every right to be upset with her right now. Acting the way she had must have truly hurt him. She saw the pained look in his eyes when she reflexively slapped his hand away. There was more there though, he had a melancholy look that was complete forgiveness. It was as if he would accept anything no matter how much it hurt him as long as it was what she wished. It hurt.

While her chest constricted in the grip of a coiling serpent intent on crushing her the man blocking her spoke.

“What sneaky games are you trying to play with this girl? Are you not entertained enough?” There was a tangible threat from the man shielding her from Comte. He was speaking without formality which could have meant he didn’t care to be polite to a potential menace but the fact Comte called him by name must mean they knew each other.

“I am not playing games, sneaky or otherwise. Genevieve is my charge and in my care.” Comte was smiling that same smile he had on his face when talking to Arthur.

“Then why was she so terrified of you just now?” Napoleon moved slightly and Evie had visions of this entire situation going bad fast. She didn’t know if Comte was aware of the look on his own face or if it was a miscalculation on his part because right now it was more taunting than intimidating. For all the mistakes made so far, she didn’t wish to have one result in a fight in front of her. She broke free of the human barrier, with pain lancing up her leg and placed herself between the two men.

“Please stop.”  She gave a quick glance to Comte over her shoulder before turning to Napoleon. “Thank you, Monsieur, you rescued me.”

To say Comte was stunned would have been a very accurate description right now. This woman really did seem to swing on a pendulum to the point where she was hard to predict. He thought he had scared her and she would not go anywhere near him so why was she standing as if to protect him now?

“I only did what anyone would do.” Napoleon seemed to be equally perplexed looking at the sudden change in the woman who was basically a trembling mess only minutes before. His green eyes looked behind her quizzically towards Comte who didn’t know what to say.

He had felt and still did feel terrible for how he handled everything back at the café. Hindsight has a way of making every situation seem like a bad move and he already was well aware even without the help of reflection that his approach was a terrible choice.

“No, you did more because you were the one to risk yourself on my foolishness.” Evie lowered her head the trembling in her body was still very likely to make a repeat appearance but right now she was determined to make sure nothing else happened. “What this man says is true. I am in his care, he is my sponsor. It was true I was careless and running but…”

“Evie.” Comte’s voice was quiet. His eyes fell on the back of her lowered head in awe.

She was hurt she had been scared and still suffering the aftermath of everything that had been said and done. He could feel it, he felt her swirling emotions as strongly as if they were his own, the pain in her taking grip on his own body. Still, she was trying to smooth over a situation that was nowhere near as drastic as she thought it was. A wry smile formed on his face and his expression softened as he watched her. She was stronger than she knew and so beautiful. Napoleon didn’t miss the subtle interaction and looked at the young woman in front of him as if he just remembered something.

“So, you are the Mademoiselle from the mansion?”

“You know me?” Evie looked up her emerald eyes finding his clear jade green ones.

There really was something about this man, it was different from Comte and also different when compared to the other soldier in the mansion. It was a quiet dominance that gave subliminal weight to anything he did, even standing still talking with him projected the idea you were talking to a born leader.

“Of you. Sebastian informed me of a new guest and said that they were a lady.” The air around Napoleon felt much friendlier as it seemed the misunderstanding from before had all but been forgotten. Evie looked back at Comte. He said he would tell the rest of the guests himself, not that she wanted to pry into why Sebastian had been the one to inform this man instead.

There was obviously a little tension between the two men, it wasn’t bad, but it was certainly one that came from a place of respect rather than blind trust. It was very hard to explain and she didn’t even understand how she could feel something so slight from people she had just met.

Uncle had always said she was very sensitive and observant but this was more, it was a feeling that she instinctively didn’t question. People talk about intuition but that had always seemed a little off to her. Even with a strong intuition it was easy to second guess and lose yourself. This was a profound sensation and it was strange because it felt a lot like being more than one person at once in her own body.

“Genevieve this is Napoleon, he is also a guest of mine.” Comte issued the late introduction after the conversation finally seemed to allow for it.

“Is there anyone in Paris who is not a guest of yours?” Evie’s question was out long before her good sense could talk her out of it. Her eyes went saucer round and she clamped her hand over her mouth. “Erm…”

By this point, Comte was used to her little outbursts. Whilst they still had a tendency to catch him off guard, he was inclined to look upon her fondly rather than feel the desire to chastise her. Besides judging by her reaction and the way she was currently looking she was giving herself a much harsher lecture than he could. While Comte and Evie were looking at each other a loud eruption of laughter burst forth from Napoleon.

“Pff -- Bwahaha!”

“I’m sorry.” Evie muttered her apology flinching when Comte placed a hand on her shoulder. Noticing her reaction, he retracted his hand. The brief touch of warmth he felt freezing over as he felt the penalty strike him as he feared it would if he hurt her. He tried to ignore the way that information sat like a steel weight in his chest. Convincing himself he should be content with simply watching her.

“No don’t be I – hahaha – I’m glad to see the shock didn’t do any damage to your body or conviction. Haha pardon. I like how honest you are.” Napoleon was struggling to stop himself from continuing his peel of laughter his shoulders were still shaking as he tried to stifle it and speak.

“If we are finished here, I think it would be best to return home.” Comte interjected which seemed to help Napoleon gather enough power to get his laughter under control.

“Home?” Evie asked curiously before taking an interest in the people around them. The gathering of onlookers was a little smaller but she was very aware that even if they had returned to their previous tasks they were still glancing in her direction.

Still, when Comte said home he meant the mansion and there was a feeling of chilling dread that filled her chest as she thought of that. Could she go back there and cheat what she feared most in her mind? Would she avoid being the source of someone else’s pain or would she fail and have another torment to add to her collection?

“Yes, we need to tend to that ankle of yours.” Comte drew a little closer, sensing of her rising anxiety.

He wanted to take her hand as he had always done but she recoiled at his touch and he did not wish to be an added source of her discomforts. He hoped that his words could be enough reassurance to her and she would choose to come back. He tried to ignore the selfish desire he had to be alone with her once more. He wanted to apologise properly and allow for dialogue to once more be open between them. He knew how detrimental the passage of time could be as it passed by removing the opportunity to speak freely. The only survivor of the situation being the air of extreme awkwardness that hung like a cloud.

“I don’t really…” Evie hesitated and winced again the pain in her ankle silencing her.

Napoleon hadn’t pushed for details and he was not stupid enough to get in the middle of a lover’s quarrel. He could see the concern in Comte’s eyes as he watched the young girl with black hair. He had seen similar looks in the eyes of men on the battlefield. It was a look of understanding your fate is in the hands of another and acceptance that their actions would define the world to come.

The woman was curious, it wasn’t that he was immune to her charms he felt them keenly drawing him in. It made him instinctively wish to help her. It was strange and he had felt something similar when he had experienced meeting Comte for the first time.  He took a certain level of pride in being a good judge of character and he found her to be interesting, honest and trustworthy.

“I’ll join you as well as I was on my way back anyway.” Napoleon spoke up in response to the idea of returning. He had been on his way back anyway so it was of little concern to him if he travelled alone or with companionship. If his presence meant that the young lady should feel more settled than if she were to travel with only le Comte for company then he considered it his duty to do at least that much.

“Did you not ride into town?” Comte enquired feeling a deflated sensation taking hold of him.

“Not today.” Napoleon didn’t seem to care or notice the shadows crossing the amber eyes of the pure blood Count. He did, however, slip his arm around the waist of the injured girl. He did it in such a way that it was completely natural, a silent declaration of the fact this is where it should be. Evie could not find the words to protest and found her weight naturally leaning on the strong arm around her as Napoleon guided her towards the carriages.

Comte knew it was to support her and help her. He knew it was a purely platonic motion and there was nothing meaningful about it. Logically he knew all this and still a dark whisper in his mind had him questioning every small glance and muscle twitch between the two now walking in front of him.

“Well isn’t that splendid?”

---

“So, it failed.” Amos sat mulling over the ill-fated news as he watched the foam dissolve on the head of beer in his glass.

“Yes. There was interference and the female found protection at the most inconvenient time.” Latour had appeared like a tempest and was working his anger out on a bowl of nuts crushing the shells in his bare hands, placing their contents to the side. He didn’t really like nuts, he didn’t really enjoy any human food anymore. It was all ash in his mouth.

Blood was all he craved to slate his thirst and fill his belly. Alcohol provided a change in pace, whilst providing natural cover from the passing observer. Cigarettes helped keep him busy, it was a throwback to his time as a human. Watching the curling smoke from the lit shredded tobacco, how it filled his lungs. It helped him focus, it helped him think and it blocked out some of the atrocious scents of the cattle around him.

“Not by the Reo’s doing?” Amos asked watching the bowl of mixed nuts grow empty. He was a little pleased that his disciple had learnt to vent his anger in a way that drew less attention to him. He remembered how troublesome it had been in previous years during training when he had been forced to keep a tight leash on him or risk exposure.

“No, it was another. One from the mansion although they are not part of the familia.” Latour reached a particularly stubborn walnut and after squeezing it towards its obliteration he finally seemed to relax.

“Did they suspect foul play?” Amos drank the dregs of his pint and scooped up a handful of the freshly shelled nuts on the table.

“No, My Lord” Latour confirmed what was possibly the only saving grace of the misadventure. Failure was not an option Latour knew it would spell the end of everything for him. His master had no use for tools that could not fulfil a task.

“Good, then there is still a chance we can approach the matter again.” Amos smiled the lamplight caught the very tip of his exposed fangs before he expertly moved his head playing it off as a trick of the light for anyone who might have seen it.

“What would you have me do?”

---

[x1protector]

imperial crossroads : prologue 1

p a i r i n g: none for prologues; will be x1 x gender neutral reader

g e n r e: fluff; a little dark; choose your own adventure; otome themed au

w a r n i n g s: mentions of slight violence; weapons

w o r d  c o u n t: 2.9k

s u m m a r y: You are a dancer who gets the chance to perform in front of the royal family, and accidentally stumble into the lives of five very powerful men. Who will you choose to lead you though your time in the palace?

Author’s note: historical setting close to the Joseon dynasty but there’s no (current) set name for the kingdom; this is only the prologue!! each boy has their own storyline!! this one is written by the whole admin team!

There will be two prologues with two different protagonists. If you haven’t read maknae-line prologue (Junho, Dongpyo, Minhee, Eunsang, Hyeongjun, Dohyon), click below.

hyung prologue || maknae prologue

It was the peak of summer when you stepped foot in the palace for the first time to hopefully start your provisional contract as a court dancer. You’d been dancing for years, from small scale dinner hubs to the main town square where you had been scouted by a palace attendant, and have seen many discerning eyes among your spectators, yet the gazes of the royal family and attendants have never felt so cold to you. It was no wonder you were more nervous than usual, sweating up a storm in your most upkeep dancing laces.

You felt the heat and excitement swirling around in your bloodstream, creating a concoction that caused the blood in your veins to buzz as sweat rolled down your lace-draped back. As you waited for your turn, you were reassured by one of the palace’s main attendants, Minhee, that everything was going to be alright, that the royal family wasn’t nearly as scary as the rumors. 

And Minhee was right because as soon as the dancer before you finished his routine, everyone roared with applause. One of the princes even stood up, beaming at the guy as he exited the stage area. 

You had to admit he was marvelous. Kim Wooseok was a renowned performer, even in your tight-knit circle of dancers. His techniques were unmatched across the lands, backed up by unrivaled talent and years of training. 

There was something about him that seemed to draw your eye along his body, from the tips of his fingers down through the balls of his feet. He had a sort of presence on the stage no one could deny, not that they wanted to in the least. It didn’t help that he was extremely handsome and possessed a beautiful dance figure; a slim face and a lithe body with lean muscle peeking through his laces, betraying a hidden power within his small frame. 

Wooseok fixed his dance laces over his shoulders and let his hair fall below his cat-like eyes. As he bowed to the royal family, you thought of all the years you spent looking up to him, hoping to one day be at his level.

You didn’t see a hint of sweat as he glided past, but for a second you thought you saw a flash of annoyance etched in his beautiful features. Before you could read into it, Minhee wished you a quick “good luck!” before guiding (read: pushing) you towards the stage.

It was your turn now. 

The light was a little too bright and you couldn’t help but cover your eyes as you stepped on the podium, and despite performing for years prior, you could feel your heartbeat thump in your ears and hear your breathing reverberate against the still buzzing air.

From where you were standing, the royal family was in full view atop the viewing deck of the outdoor theater.

The King and Queen sat high on their thrones, looking down at their subjects without malice in their gazes, a sort of warmth that wasn’t quite loving, but not apathetic either, tinting their features. It was a form of caring one can only possess in the presence of those they are sworn to protect. Next to the King sat Crown Prince Seungwoo, heir to the throne and rumored to be as gentle as his mother, the Queen, but also as cold as his father, the King. It really depended on who you heard it from.

His features were soft and kind, with the only sharpness being hidden in his eyes and the point of his nose as he stared you down on the stage. His aloof expression alone made him appear almost disinterested in the entire ordeal, which set you at ease in a way. It was like he couldn’t care less if you did well or didn’t perform at all.

Beside the Queen sat Prince Seungyoun, more commonly known as Prince Youn, the second oldest prince and grand diplomat of the kingdom. There was a sweet grin spread across his face, the affection and excitement clear in his features as you readied yourself for the performance. His eyes crinkled up at the corners and you briefly wondered how it was possible to see the twinkles from his eyes all the way from where you were standing, but decided it was better not to question such things. His features were almost the opposite of his brothers, with sharp edges all around and gentle, saccharine eyes. 

Behind the princes were two gentlemen whose names you couldn’t quite recall. They were very well-dressed, not unlike the royal family, and they seemed to carry a certain aura that you couldn’t place. Not quite royal, but above others in some way regarding status. Their faces were obscured by the shadows they hid in so you paid them little mind. You concluded that they were probably relatives to the family, but royalty or not they have their gaze fixed on you like the rest.

As you started dancing, you didn’t know why but you felt your nerves begin to slip away as you moved through the familiar routine. But the longer you danced, the higher your movements transcended, the more you felt as if someone was watching you.

Of course, everyone was watching you. You usually thrived off the awe and attention because it’s what made you want to become a dancer in the first place.

But you could feel one specific energy focusing on you, seemingly anticipating your every movement. You glanced at the princes, the Queen, the King, the dancers waiting in line to perform, yet you couldn’t quite locate where it came from.

It wasn’t a terrible feeling, but it was also not a friendly one. It settled heavily, like an anchor weighing in your gut. Even as you finish your routine and bowed to the royal family, the strange feeling never left you, sitting dormant just under your skin.

At the end of your routine, you chanced one last glance at the royals and felt a chill run up your spine at the sight.

Prince Seungwoo had shifted forward in his seat, forearms resting on his knees as his expression changed to match one of intrigue. He let out a silent chuckle and smirked before leaning back in his throne, seemingly disinterested in you once again. It seemed you had caught the attention of the younger prince as well, as his grin widened to encompass his entire face. He seemed more than pleased with the performance you had put on, scrunching up his nose as you looked at him. 

The dancers after you were all excellent, each one with a unique routine and skillset, so it was almost a pity when the show ended and it was announced that only two dancers would be picked.

It won’t be me was all you could think until the announcement came nearly an hour later, with your mind flashing back to the two princes and their reactions. Even if the princes had seemed interested in your performance, the other dancers were far more skilled than yourself and would make better pairs at the palace anyway. 

Wooseok was the first name to be called. Of course, no one was surprised. He stood up with a blank expression and accepted the contract scroll from attendant Minhee with a small bow towards the royal family. 

It wasn’t until your name was called that a few of the contestants stood up to be able to see your face. You froze, not quite believing you had been picked until you felt another dancer nudge you towards the stage once more. You stumbled forward, stunned, but regained enough composure to gracefully walk towards Minhee. He beamed as he handed you the remaining scroll, wishing you good luck once again and telling you how much he enjoyed your performance.

Mindlessly, you bowed and stood next to Wooseok as an attendant ushered out the rest of the dancers. Wooseok’s blank expression melted and for the second time, he scowled, but like the first, it went away in a second.

“Congratulations,” Wooseok spoke for the first time with his original blank expression, but not without sincerity. 

“Thank you,” you smiled.

“Seems like you’re here by your own free will,” he added quietly. 

Your smile faded, confusion colored your face.

“What do you mean ‘my own free will?'” you asked.

He scoffed and didn’t say anything else, so you knew better not to pry especially while waiting for your audience with the Queen.

The amiable woman looked barely a year over fifty as she eyed you and Wooseok warmly. She had a small round face, with delicate features and bright, lovely eyes.  You could see where the younger prince got his looks from as she smiled. She spoke lightly as if her words glided on water, her laughter a hearty, elegant melody that resonated within the chamber. 

“I do apologize for the sudden notice, but there were two goals to fulfill in this competition. One was to find a new court dancer, and the other to find my boys a suitable dance instructor.” 

Wooseok stiffened, and soon both his gaze and the Queen’s were fixed on you as she chose you to become the princes’ dance instructor

“M-me?!” 

“Yes, my dear. Your grace and passion on that stage along with your headstrong and witty mind, so I was told, made you the most suitable candidate. The only task left is for you to choose who to instruct first.”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. Instructor? Most of your skills were self-taught from watching many exceptional dancers like Wooseok, so how could you instruct anyone when you had no experience teaching? 

And choose who? I don’t know anyone here! 

As if on cue, the two princes and the two gentlemen from earlier entered the queen’s chambers, talking and laughing amongst themselves

“Hey, Mom!” Prince Seungyoun boomed in his usual cheerful voice.

Prince Seungwoo sighed and smiled sweetly, “Youn, please behave in front of our guests.”

“That’s just how he is, hyung,” one of the two men you didn’t know spoke up in defense of prince Seungyoun, his voice a lot deeper than the other two even though he had a youthful air to him.

The last man looked on in silence, observing you and Wooseok with curious, friendly eyes. He seemed about the same age as the other man you didn’t recognize and, seeing them side by side, you noticed their frames were both similarly built, their shoulders slightly wider than the princes. 

“Quiet down, my boys,” the Queen spoke. As gentle as she sounded, the entire room stilled in an instant. “As you have heard, Wooseok will be your new court dancer in the prince quarter, and the talented dancer beside him will be your dance instructor, assuming they choose you.” The Queen paused and extended her warm gaze to you, “one of these boys will become your student, I trust that you choose well.” 

“Your Majesty,” the man who had stayed silence finally spoke. “Why would we need a dance instructor? What good would that do for us at our age?”

My thoughts exactly!

The Queen gently approached and touched the man’s cheek as she spoke, “Yohan, my dear boy, even though you are skilled in martial arts, dancing is about discipline and self-control. Soon you’ll learn that there are a certain set of skills that both a good dancer and a good ruler possess.” 

At that, Yohan seemed convinced and asked no further questions, nodding and following along with the Queen’s rather ambiguous explanation.

“I’m not sure I understand,” the unnamed man who’d spoken earlier asked. “Why would I need lessons? I’m not a prince.”

At this, a strange and sad look crossed the Queen’s features but vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. She opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by the youngest prince. 

“Hangyul, I’m sure mother has her reasons,” Prince Seungyoun spoke, seemingly stroking at his non-existent beard.

Prince Seungwoo shot his younger sibling an icy glare at his interruption, making prince Seungyoun throw his hands up in surrender. The Queen smiled at her sons, then looked at you as if the only thing left is for you to choose.

“Of course,” she spoke again, spotting the hesitant look in your eyes,” if you are still unsure of your skills, you can choose to study under Wooseok for some times before starting your official position.”

You looked around, scanning to see who would be the safest option. The last thing you wanted was to offend any royalty with your zero to none teaching experience. 

Wooseok would be the safest option, he was another dancer like you and studying under him would be an honor. However, this would be admitting that your skills were lacking, and he didn’t look too excited to have anyone as a pupil.

Then there was Yohan, who looked pretty open to the idea of having a dance instructor. To be quite honest, he would be easiest to teach since he seemed to have experience in martial arts. You had a feeling he would catch on pretty quickly to anything you’d showed him.

The gentleman named Hangyul looked at you with narrowed eyes. He seemed like the most scary, but also the most calm among all the boys. Maybe you were mistaken, but you thought you had seen his smile distinctly among others earlier during your performance. 

Prince Seungwoo was also an option. He was known for being gentle and looked like someone who would never mistreat his servants. But the idea of teaching the future king was… a little scary, even for you. Plus his ice cold demeanor hadn’t vanished for a second in your presence, so who’s to say you’d ever see the warmer side of him?

The final option would be Prince Seungyoun–known to be the most outgoing prince among the lands, a social butterfly, the friendliest royal you will ever meet. Though there was a personal reason why you were the least bit wary of the second prince.

The Queen seemed to notice your dilemma and offered to give you more time in the princes’ quarters, which you gladly accepted. After all, this was a lengthy contract and you couldn’t be expected to make such a decision without much thought.

Thank god Minhee was still there with you because once the Queen was gone, the room suddenly became quiet and all eyes were on you 

Prince Seungyoun was the first to break the silence as he smiled and extended his hand to you. His chocolate brown eyes radiated with warmth the moment he looked at you.

“Don’t be afraid, we don’t bite.” His voice was softer and quieter than when he had spoken earlier with the princes. “Mother has been trying to get us to relax and pick up a hobby for a while now. I just never thought she’d pick dancing.”

“Wait, Yohan, don’t you already have a hobby?” Hangyul spoke, his voice a deep sound that resonated in his throat. He had on an easy, casual half-smile at Yohan, showcasing a pair of cute bunny-like teeth. He might sound scary, but he seemed to be a big teddy bear in the end. 

“Yeah, we both do, don’t we?”

“Swinging a sword around every day is not a hobby.”

You were surprised to hear Wooseok speaking up–was that even allowed? Weren’t there courtesy customs and honorifics for these people who seemed like royalty?

“Yes it is!” Yohan interjected, a goofy grin pasted on his youthful face as he put both hands on his hips. His eyes crinkled up at the edges, and you noticed him sporting the same bunny teeth as Hangyul before. You found it adorable that both the intimidating young men had such cute smiles. 

“Don’t be jealous, hyung,” Hangyul reached over and clapped Wooseok on the shoulder. “We’ll teach you one day.”

Confused by this sudden exchange, you looked towards Minhee for help and was grateful he was already leaning over.

“They all know each other,” he whispered. “They’re good friends. It’s fine.”

That didn’t make you feel any better. Now you realized you were more of an outcast than before when you still thought Wooseok was simply a performer and nothing more. 

Prince Seungwoo noticed your discomfort and walked towards you, extending his hand in the same manner as Prince Seungyoun and offering you a sweet smile, his icy stare softening slightly. 

“Pardon the boys, we haven’t had any newcomers to the palace for a while.” The prince’s smile was almost too sweet and barely reached his eyes as he spoke. “No matter who you choose today, you’ll be okay. I promise we won’t trouble you.”

“Speak for yourself, hyung!” Hangyul said, a small laugh escaping him. Prince Seungyoun joined with his genuine, hearty laughter that was so refreshing to hear, dissipating the stress you’d faced the moment you entered the palace and placing a small smile on your face. It was impossible not to smile when those two laughed. 

You looked over at Wooseok, who didn’t even bother to hide his annoyance, sighing as he started folding his laces and putting them into his sling bag.

“Are you going to choose today or do we have to keep standing here?”

Wooseok’s words to you were blunt and to-the-point. You can kind of see why your peers thought of him as cold and unapproachable, but his voice was soft and his words didn’t seem cold to you.

All eyes were on you once again. You felt like you were ready to make the decision. Taking a deep breath, you decided this person was the only option for you.

“I choose–”

——————————————————————————————–

c h o i c e s: Seungwoo, Seungyoun, Wooseok, Yohan, Hangyul

Read maknae prologue.

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[otonymous]

The Most Fearsome Creature (Ikesen Mitsuhide)

Description:  Mitsuhide has a chance encounter with the most fearsome creature of all Warnings:  Angst, MC caught between feelings for two men Word Count:  1230 words (~6 mins of angst) Author’s Notes:  This is my reimagining of the ending of Hideyoshi’s route, mainly seen through Mitsuhide’s eyes.  I’ve tried to write it so that it is spoiler-free, so hopefully anyone can enjoy this story!  Happy reading! AO3: Read here

Tagging lovely readers:  @all-my-cuffs-have-buttons​, @artemira-sengoku​, @dear-mrs-otome​, @pseudofaux​, @fieryanmitsu​, @otomediary​, @suzi-q-uinn​, @kitty-kat-ty​, @saizoswifey​, @belxsar​, @anyakane​, @friedchikyorice​, @whalebubblez​, @selenecrawford​, @akiza-hades-rose​, @rubyleeray​, @heavenzfiend​, @duerme07​, @classy-mc​, @dani677​, @kitsune-mana​, @azuchi-princess​, @ichigo-daifuku​

All characters & Ikemen Sengoku owned by Cybird

CRACK!

A thin plume of smoke rises in the air against a backdrop of ominous grey clouds, tainting it with the smell of sulphur and saltpeter.  Mitsuhide barely blinks, his amber eyes having long since been accustomed to its dusty sting.

When the haze finally clears, he ascertains it was an accurate shot through the bullseye, but there is little pride or joy in the accomplishment.  And as he lowers his rifle to prepare for another attempt, he warns himself not to waver, has to strengthen his conviction that he made the right decision in the end to help the otherwise star-crossed lovers.

After all, he wished for nothing but her happiness.  Even if that was to be found in the arms of another man.

Readjusting his grip on the rifle, Mitsuhide once again takes aim at the target between the trees, willing the trained rhythm of his steady breath to calm the heart that inevitably whipped into a frenzy every time his mind conjured up her image: white knuckles gripping the bars of his dank cell in Azuchi, the indomitable spirit burning in eyes that simultaneously arrested and challenged him.

The little mouse’s love for the mother hen had given her the courage to face a snake.

But no…

CRACK!

…she was no mouse.

Deep down, she had always been made of fire.  Nobunaga had also seen her true nature from the start.  But it was her feelings for Hideyoshi that took that ember and fanned it into flame, the little creature immolating herself in the heat of desire to reemerge a glorious phoenix, capable of courageous feats in the name of love.

Vulpine eyes trained towards the target.  His shot was off, trending slightly towards the left of centre.

A thin smile stretches across his lips to find that he, too, could be afflicted by the same disease that preyed on the logic of men, turning them into wretched creatures that would sacrifice themselves at the feet of their lovers if it tickled their fancy.  He, Akechi Mitsuhide, who never gave a second thought to the opinions of others, now pathetically found himself under the sway of a woman whose heart belonged to another.

“Oh little mouse, what a fearsome creature you turned out to be.”

His words are drowned out by another blast from the matchlock rifle, vibrations in the air merging with the charged atmosphere that heralded the coming of a great storm.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Mitsuhide!”

He slows his strides, coming to a gradual stop as her quiet footsteps bring her swiftly to his side.  And somewhere in the back of his mind, the thought that she is careful not to run in the hallways lest she incurs Hideyoshi’s displeasure prickles him.  But he is quick to compose himself, fixing an unreadable expression on his face before turning towards her.

“What can I do for you, my little seamstress?”

She meets his eyes, and in that moment of boldness, Mitsuhide spies a crack of hesitation in her demeanour.  It makes his heart clench — this honesty she could not hide to save her life — and reaffirms that his decision had been correct.  She needed to be with someone who also wore his heart on his sleeve, who could be as open and honest with her as she was with the world at large.  

In the end, Hideyoshi was the only suitable candidate.  Mitsuhide would have to be content with seeing the light of her smile from his place in the shadows, for he could never confine her to the darkness of the world of secrets and lies in which he existed.

“Um, are you leaving the celebration so soon?  No one has even slipped Masamune a sip of sake yet.”

The nervous smile leaves her face as quickly as it appears, but it has already shaken him to the core.  He mentally chides himself as his hands halt in the middle of balling into fists, awkwardly flexing before relaxing at his sides again.  

Haven’t we learned better than to let our body give ourselves away like this?

All the same, it was better than what they initially set out to do, moving of their own accord to cup that beautiful face, fingers desperate to feel the warmth of her skin even as they trace the soft contours of cheekbone and jaw.

“The night isn’t getting any younger, little mouse, and I still have matters to attend to.  We’ll have to pull our prank on the One-Eyed Dragon another day.  Besides, even I don’t think I have the patience to stomach another lecture from your lover for today.”

Crimson suffuses her cheeks at the mention of Hideyoshi.

“Mitsuhide…about me and Hideyoshi…I never did get the chance to thank you for what you did.”

“Oh?  And what was it exactly that I did?”

“Don’t play dumb with me.”

“Little mouse, you overestimate me.  I am neither as smart nor as resourceful as you seem to think I am.  I merely nudged two fools in the direction they were meant to travel in.  It is nothing that merits your gratitude.  That being said, I am glad to see you are happy with him, and I suspect, sadly so, that we will have fewer chances to meet once you have relocated to Hideyoshi’s manor.  So then, Princess, I wish you luck and bid you goodnight.”

She visibly deflates at his words, the bravado with which she had accosted him suddenly gone as she casts her gaze towards the ground, smart mouth rendered mute for once.

Please don’t look so sad, Princess.  It makes it harder to leave.

Spinning on his heels, Mitsuhide starts to walk away, swallowing hard against the lump rising in his throat.  

Pathetic.

But then the sleeve of his kimono catches in the grasp of her fingers, tightening as they curl around white silk like the legs of a spider spinning her web.  The weight of her action renders him immobile, and Mitsuhide’s traitorous heart thrills at the thought of becoming her prey for life.

“Thank you, Mitsuhide.”

There, in the deserted hallway, the din of raucous celebration floats out from the Main Hall to mask the thunderous beating of twin hearts, just as the skies open to unleash a torrent of rain in place of the tears Mitsuhide could not afford to shed.

“I love you.”

His whisper is swallowed up by rainfall on one side, laughter on the other, but with her arms around his waist and head against his back, the vibration of his voice rings true through flesh and bone to resound with honesty in her heart.

Mitsuhide knows not how long they stood like that, with her embracing him so tightly from behind he could feel the slow spread of wet warmth from tears percolating through the back of his kimono.  And while he wished for time to stop, he knew he had to relinquish that which was never his to cherish in the first place.

Sighing, his cold hands alight on hers to gently extricate himself from her embrace.  And although the uneven shuddering of her breath twists the blade beneath his chest, he does not dare look back — long, quick strides taking him further and further away from the most fearsome creature of all:

Love.

Thanks for reading!  More stories available here! 💕

[emilyplaysotome]

Chapter 18 - What Goes Around Comes Around

Catch up on all Chapters here: http://emilyplaysotome.tumblr.com/post/173554646607/down-the-voltage-rabbit-hole-the-sequel-master

Meg didn’t let me discuss what she said. It was like her to do this - she had a way of forcing me to sit with thoughts and feelings in order to help me get past my initial knee jerk reaction.

She told me that after my dinner tomorrow we could regroup and really talk about what she’d said. She felt that a day’s time would allow me to reflect enough in order to accurately unpack my feelings. I wasn’t sure I’d have time to think things over properly, but I knew better than to try and argue with her right now. 

I could tell she was in a mood herself, and I had to imagine that between her breakup and her unexpected visit to the otome realm she was a bit of a mess herself these days.

Meg still did her best to be a good hostess, and tried to boost my spirits by pouring me a glass of wine and telling me about her own adventures. I felt sick to my stomach but did my best to listen and potentially experience the world that had allowed me to find love for the first time in a more objective way.

Just as it had been for me in the otome world, time progressed faster in that world than in our own. Whereas my week away from the real world had been the equivalent of a month or so in otome-ville, Meg had lived a little over three weeks in bizarro Tokyo before returning to the real world. Thankfully the king had apparently showed some semblance of a conscience upon her arrival and as a result he had provided her with food and shelter at the residence of the Gods putting everyone under strict orders to see that her needs were cared for (at least, everyone save for Zyglavis and Leon).

Naturally Meg had argued something fierce with the king about returning her immediately, but he wouldn’t budge and she quickly deemed the other Gods as useless for not stepping in and setting things right.

With the head Ministers away, Punishments was being run by Scorpio and Wishes by Karno. The Gods were aware of what had happened and meeting Meg for them became an event as they were eager to hear about the life of their comrades who were living in our world. Her annoyance grew in those first moments between their unwillingness to push back against their dictator king (as she called him) and the interrogation that followed (which stemmed from their natural curiosity).

Her disdain for them continued to grow as the night went on and as a result she found herself holed up in Leon’s uninhabited bedroom for the first few days in her new world, somewhat in denial of her bizarre circumstances. Though I had explained to her what had happened to me, it was still hard for her to fully wrap her head around being in a video game where handsome men existed purely to provide romantic escapism.

She knew that she was effectively powerless in so many ways, and I understood more than anyone how being around Gods with the ability to manifest anything with a snap of a finger could add to feeling small and incapable of changing one’s circumstances.

“For three days straight I cried,” Meg said. “I cried because I was angry. I cried because I was heartbroken. And I cried because with nowhere left to run and no distractions to be had…everything caught up with me.”

She told me during that time the Gods brought her what seemed like Chipotle, and I smiled at Scorpio having remembered that from my time in his world. Altair had also come by with lattes in the mornings, another small detail that warmed my heart and proved to me that despite her statement the people who lived in that world were more than just programmed robots. I felt as if my time there influenced them, and as a result her time as well.

When she finally emerged from Leon’s bedroom days later, Meg knew that she looked like a hot mess. She was still in the clothes she’d arrived in and her face was puffy and her eyes were swollen from crying so much. Partheno had been the first God she encountered that morning in the living room and upon seeing her he gave her a makeover, and provided her with a whole new wardrobe.

There was some distance in the way she spoke about him, seeing as how she never played any of the games that she experienced firsthand as reality. She was annoyed by how flirtatious and imposing they all were - treating her like a plaything because she was female, almost as if merely having a vagina was such an anomaly and meant that they couldn’t treat her as they would anyone else.

“It’s not just the Gods either,” she said. “All the men in that world look at you with starry eyes or with an agenda of some sort. Literally none of them just treat you like a normal human being - there’s always some romantic subtext or potential tension simmering under the surface. I think that’s why I looked for women and what I assumed were NPCs because it was exhausting to exist in this way…”

“I get that,” I said, still not fully sold on how she saw a world that had such a positive impact on my life, “But still...you didn’t enjoy the fantasy at all?”

Meg shrugged, “I mean, I certainly wasn’t a nun if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Wait...what?”

“What?”

“I meant more, there was no one who felt real to you? Who touched something inside you that’d been dormant for a long time? Because that’s what that world did for me…what those men did for me…”

“I don’t know Omi,” Meg said with a sigh. “Maybe it was just the freshness of everything that happened with Noah but I couldn’t get out of my head long enough to have feelings if that’s what you’re asking. They were hot. When I drank for whatever reason they became more appealing. But if you’re asking if I could ever fall in love with them? No, if only for what I said to you. As awful as this heartbreak is, I still want someone who chooses me because they choose me. I never want to wonder if they were to one day magically have free will if they’d have chosen me…if I stood a chance.”

“But...you didn’t have a date? Or remember what it was like to dream about romance with someone who could actually fulfill your wishes?”

“Maybe our wishes are just different. I wish to find a partner who is imperfect in real, human ways that I can grow with. Not a realistic simulation of humanity that feels good but keeps me safe. I’m not a...”

Meg stopped herself, realizing how whatever she might say could offend me and pass judgment that she didn’t mean to pass. Instead she sighed and offered me a forced, but sympathetic smile.

“I did have sex with a bunch of them if that makes you feel better.”

“What?!”

“Men are building sex robots. I figured this was a similar equivalent.”

“Who?? And didn’t that make them just...obsessed with you?”

“Probably but that’s just how they’re programmed,” Meg said with a shrug. “I didn’t care if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Wait a second.”

I pulled out my phone and opened the Love365 app. It had been awhile since I opened it and I watched as the typical opening animation was promptly followed by an error message that simply read, “Our games are currently undergoing maintenance. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

“Meg...”

“Do not tell me you’re going to slut shame me for enjoying myself in a rebound paradise full of hot guys, who all wanna bang me and doing so doesn’t run the risk of contracting STDs.”

“No, I would never…but how many do hook up with? The games are all offline.”

To that Meg giggled, “Huh, I guess there were real world consequences after all.”

“Meg!” I scolded her but I could feel the tension between us dissipate in that moment. Soon we were both laughing uncontrollably before she rattled off a rather long list of men she’d bedded.

Of the Gods she’d chosen Partheno, Tauxolouve, and Dui. Her life in the otome world has taken her to Addison & Rhodes seeing as how she too was familiar with advertising. There she’d had Dr. Maki, Toshiaki, Taku, and surprisingly enough Toma as well. She’d hooked up with Nomura after a night drinking at Station and Kaga who she met on line waiting for dessert even though she said she questioned if his hotness balanced out dealing with his arrogance. She’d also somehow managed to sleep with Rikiya Mononobe, Kota Igarashi, and Genji Higashiyama.

Out of principle she hadn’t touched a bidder. She told me that she met Baba pretty early on once she’d ventured out of the Gods mansion and went exploring. After sleeping with a few of the Gods that first week, she realized that they all began competing for her affections by conjuring a generous allowance which allowed her to enjoy the city, in addition to gifts (such as jewelry, clothes, perfume, and makeup).

Her first week she found through gaggle that the Tres Spades had not only a fun casino but a great bar and decided to spend her fifth night out on the town as she tired of the Gods bickering over her affections. In the casino Baba had attempted to pick her up, and I chuckled knowing that while he and I were like oil and water, him and Meg were something much worse, seeing as how there was nothing Meg hated more than a smooth talker.

In college I once watched her destroy a young man who approached her having read a few pick up techniques, and as he skulked away from her, tail between his legs she’d even gone so far as to yell after him, “NEXT TIME JUST SAY HI AND TREAT WOMEN LIKE PEOPLE!”

To Baba though, she was a challenge and he texted his friends to come meet the beautiful woman whose spirit reminded him of Ami’s. Somehow they kept popping up wherever she went, and as annoyed as she’d been by them she enjoyed toying with their emotions a bit. 

She felt it was merely giving them a taste of their own medicine, although I could tell that out of all the men in this world somehow she’d grown fondest of them despite never wanting to admit it.

“I think that’s everyone, but who can really remember,” Meg said with a sigh as she flopped back and laid on her couch, “I think I’m ready for a real rebound with a real human and a fuckton of therapy now so I can actually start moving on.”

In a way it was interesting how Meg was able to regard these men as nohting more than fantasy.

There was no guilt of casually sleeping with and leaving these men who she believed were essentially created for women’s pleasure (albeit through storytelling, not sex for the average otome fan). Her likening them to sex robots spoke to why she could never understand why I’d choose or want to choose Zyglavis. She didn’t understand that I’d seen him grow from something beyond his character’s starting point and while he still might be a fantasy, he was more real than she was willing to give him credit for.

We’d only talked about her flings and first week in the otome world when I realized that it was almost 11 PM, and with another workout scheduled before work I knew I needed to cut our catch up short.

“I’ll come by after the dinner…but I’m going to be honest,” I said as she walked me to the door. “I get where you’re coming from but I don’t know if I see it the way you do.”

“I know,” she said as she hugged me. “And that makes me appreciate what you did for me even more. Get home safe ok?”

“Talk to you tomorrow.”

She closed the door behind me, and I found my way outside and to the subway. As I walked, I thought about what she said.

Before I’d woken up in Ebisu with Doctor Irie, my dating life felt like a real struggle. If I’m being honest, it was all very scary and overwhelming for me and I felt slightly bitter that it seemed as if my friends had all fallen into these perfect relationships. Meg’s breakup had opened my eyes to the fact that what looks perfect on the outside often is anything but, however at the time it felt like I was the odd woman out.

The longer I went without having a boyfriend, the more I wondered if I was just not the kind of woman that men like. Those thoughts ate away at me. I wondered what it was that I needed to change in order to find someone who would love me, all the while feigning confidence at work and rising in the ranks.

Professionally, I knew how to fake it until I made it but personally I had no idea.

In a city like New York I was able to compete and win when it came to my job but when it came to my personal life and the core of who I was, I found myself faltering. There’s a sea of prettier, younger, smarter women that I admire while simultaneously using their existence to validate why no one would ever pick me in the end.

So yes…I suppose in a way Meg was right when she said that I opted for something and someone who felt safe.

Safe was something that I hadn’t felt in many years while dating and it felt good to have the upper hand for once. With the king’s game I was using the confidence boost that being in the otome realm had provided me, and it was only now that I questioned the root of that confidence.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the dress I’d worn to show off for Hijikata earlier that morning. I thought about the kiss from Eisuke and the moments I shared with Jin in his office.

It was all because of me.

It was because of the person I’d become, and even if it took a vacation from reality to get there I knew in my heart that I was better for it.

I sighed aloud to no one in particular and descended the stairs to the subway. I swiped my card, walked through the turnstile, and saw that my train home was 3 minutes away.

I plugged my headphones into my phone, untangling them from having been jammed in my bag and plugged my ears with my iPhone earbuds. I was looking through my library, deciding what kind of song I wanted to lose myself in when I heard in the distance a man ask, “Have you seen this woman?”

“What about you? Have you seen her? No? Ok, thanks anyway.”

I glanced up but the man shuffling from person to person on the platform was wearing a baseball cap and I figured he was probably just another New York City late night nutjob. My mind was too filled with the otome world and the people I’d met there, as well as Meg’s words about the dangers of getting lost in a fantasy to care about a random crazy person.

I selected “We don’t talk anymore” and dropped my phone back into my bag, letting out yet another melancholy sigh as I thought about the fact that I didn’t feel like waking up early to play this game anymore. I wanted it all to just work out. I wanted things to be easy and safe and I wanted, no I felt as if I deserved, to catch a break after all this time and everything that had happened.

“Excuse me, miss have you seen this woman?”

I jumped, startled as the man thrust a phone in my face that had a picture…of Meg on it.

Surprised I looked up and saw that under the cap hid distinctly light brown pinkish locks and when I looked up I saw the face of a lovesick Partheno.

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[yoosungiib]

Your blog just turned into my favorite! Your writing is beautiful!

Wow!!! I’m so glad my bog is one of your favorites and that you enjoy my headcanons that much. It’s totally ok to ask anonymously. I understand being shy - I can be shy myself too~ :) I hope you enjoy this! It was a fun request!

RFA + Minor Trio jealous w/ an MC’s obsession over a character from a dating game

~~~

★ Yoosung ★

This boy is a yandere so of course he absolutely hates that you play dating games.

He knows that they’re fake but god, he’s jealous.

He wants you to giggle from his jokes the way you giggle at that game. He wants you to stop dropping everything that you’re doing just to play the next chapter of the game.

He hates that game, and he especially hates that character with the blonde hair and blueish eyes.

Poor boy wants to snap the AI’s neck he can’t stand hearing you talk about it.

Yoosung usually just smiles and pretends it doesn’t bother him until he opens a package to find a fucking body pillow and he f r e A K S.

He feels really bad afterwards because he yelled at you, but you’re not upset. You found it amusing how jealous he got.

You promise him you’ll control your obsession a little and you assure your yandereish husband that you love him and only him.

Boy blushes and gives you tons of kisses before whispering into your ear, “I’ll show you just how much better I am than that AI.”

Pillow goes flying out the fucking window.

♪ Zen ♪

“All men are beasts, even in games.”

“You’re not as bad as Yoosung, are you, Jagi?”

Really doesn’t mind at first because they’re not real people.

In fact, he finds it cute how excited you get playing the game. He loves how red your face get and the little dimples that appear around your smile.

All is good.

Until this one new damn character was introduced to the game.

And you were obsessed. And I mean obsessed.

You talked about him all the time, had him as your phone background it used to be you and Zen!!! had figurines, clothing…

Zen couldn’t handle it anymore and finally took your phone while you were in the shower and deleted the app.

You kinda played him by saving the game and being able to redownload it with all your data. So Zen, sucking up his pride, admitted to be a little annoyed and jealous, wishing you would direct all that love and obsession back towards him.

Those puppy eyes Zen gave you had you apologizing immediately and promising to not talk about the guy again. You were smacked by reality that you had the real thing right in front of you!

❀ Jaehee ❀

Doesn’t understand the appeal, but ok, that’s your thing.

Thinks you could be spending your time more productively, but again, ok, that’s your thing.

She really doesn’t have a problem with it until she finds out that your phone is filled with pictures of a specific character you like.

Jaehee never thought of this before… but pictures of her used to fill your phone.

Tries not to let it get to her because she knows the woman/man in the game is not real, but still, she can’t help but feel a little jealous.

Jealousy gets a little worse; she finds herself growing bitter towards the game and your constant talk of it, hates seeing the screencaps in the RFA chatroom, and bloody hell she had a dream where she found you cheating on her with one of the characters.

Jaehee doesn’t want to ask you to delete the game or even admit that she is jealous of an AI, but she feels like she should say something.

“H-hey, what if we play a game together?”

When you guys play a few rounds of Clue, and winner gets to do whatever they want with the loser~, Jaehee realizes just how silly her jealousy is.

Because you are all over her and there is no mention one of the damn AI while you two are together.

She decides to mentioning the fact she was ever jealous is pointless.

Because. Overall. You. Are. Hers.

☂ Jumin ☂

Bruh, how do you even have the game?

He loves you, ok, but privacy is not his specialty.

He knows everything about you, what’s on your phone,

And he disapproves gravely of the dating games on your phone. In fact, he got so envious that he nearly made a deal with Seven to get the apps deleted and blocked from your phone.

Because he has to remain cool and collected, you have no idea that he hates the games so much. He knows you have them, so you presume it’s ok. I mean, not like he’d have a say in the matter whether you had them or not.

But god, he is livid. He hates those damn games. 

Why are you playing them?

Straight up asks you one day if you love them more than him.

“W-what? Jumin, they’re not even real. You’re my husband! Of course I love you more.”

“Than why are you playing games where you date people?”

Explaining the appeal is hard to do, but in the end, internally he tells himself it was pretty silly of hi to get jealous over fake people.

☺ Seven/Saeyoung ☺

Pretty sure he has a whole bunch on his phone too, because hey, this is Seven we are talking about. He lives for this shit.

But god forbid you have them.

He watches from afar, aka CCTV, as you obsesses over the characters in the game.

His sadistic side comes to light a little bit as he forcefully pulls the phone from your hands and has you pinned to the bed.

Oh boy.

Knows deleting the app isn’t enough. He isn’t dumb. You can redownload it.

So he puts a virus on your phone, and all your information gets wiped from the face of the planet.

You can not go on your games, get any of your data back.

Can’t talk to the hot AI’s!!!

“Don’t be sad, MC! You can play with me~”

❆ V ❆

For a while, he doesn’t even know what otome/dating games are,

So he has no idea you even play such a thing. And when he finds out? Not really bothered at first.

It’s just a game, and nothing that.

But then there was this  one character who you were absolutely obsessed with. You started dressing like the guy, hanging up pictures of the guy V cringes and you always smile at your phone when he ‘appears’ in the game.

What’s this feeling I’m feeling…?

Jealousy?

V’s never been jealous usually people are jealous over him so this is a completely new concept to him.

And of course he happens to be jealous over a video game characters.

Wants to be the diplomatic and good husband and just talk about it with you.

He brings it up and you feel really bad. 

It was never your intention to make him feel jealous!

“Gah, Jihyun! I’m so sorry, honey. I’ll never play the game again!”

“Oh no, MC, please, I’m sorry. Play it as much as you want! Just don’t do that characters… what is it called? Route? Can you just reset it or something?”

☻ Saeran/Unknown ☻

Hates it.

Absolutely hates it.

And his jealousy is transparent to everyone,

So of course you try to minimize your obsession, but it can be really hard. So you’ll never play the game in front of him, or you’ll tell him you’ve stopped playing all together.

But he walked in on you playing it on the toilet one day and while your pants were half way down your legs you were chasing him trying to get your phone back.

A g g r e s s i o n is his initial response towards the game half the time.

Will yell at you to stop, can be a little harsh at time; “Do you realize how pathetic it looks that you’re talking to fake guys?”

Begrudgingly apologizes and defends his actions by saying you shouldn’t play those games when he’s your boyfriend.

He gets a little annoyed with himself for being jealous over an AI, which triggers a bit of his anxiety. 

When you realize that is happening you feel absolutely terrible. And then he feels terrible because as much as he hates the games, he doesn’t want you basing decision around how he feels. 

After a heart to heart discussion on your feelings and a whole bunch of kisses and cuddles, you guys make a deal; You’ll not play the game as often if he doesn’t get so worked up about it.

Really, it’s just a game. There should be no stress over it. 

“Hm, ok,” Saeran says before a smirk crosses his face. “Come here then. We’ll play a game of sorts together.”

✌ Vanderwood ✌

“That is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.”

Really thinks you’re wasting your time playing all those otome games. Those games and some pictures of you two are what practically take up all the space on your phone.

He says you could be doing something much more productive, like cleaning, for example.

Vanderwood will get a little annoyed when he gets home from work and he sees you lounging on the couch talking with AI’s.

But he’s the last one to ever admit he is jealous.

So he does the obvious thing to get you away from the phone and more attentive towards him.

Sex.

Really, he seduces you a little bit, gets you hot and bothered and then shows you just how awesome the real thing is~

And then he tazers your phone.

~~~

Check out my masterlist page to see rules for requests!

*** Until Christmas 2017, REQUESTS ARE CLOSED

Masterlist

[freykugel]

Just been reading a shit ton of random mangos and webtoons and they range from pretty interesting to chuunibyou bullshit. I run into the latter way too often, but what can you do.

A Returner’s Magic Should Be Special

I’m actually surprised at this one? Like, it could have been the same ol’ time travel OP MC bullshit but it’s like a found family with interesting shenanigans. It’s not perfect by any means but I actually like MC, Romantica, Pram, and Adjest. No harem trope (though Pram your crush on Desir is obvious, lmao) and Desir’s abilities mostly come from analysis. I recommend it for a good time.

Dimensional Mercenary

Like this one is............... it has interesting world building. I do like the idea of people in hopeless situations selling their souls to find out if there had been a way out. I just... hate MC? He’s not the worst character I’ve seen but definitely not very compelling. And I have no idea WHY he’s competent enough to get perfect runs in scenarios, but I like the concept itself so I stick around.

Survival Story of a Sword King in a Fantasy World

ONE OF THE BIGGEST SURPRISES. I was ready for some chuunibyou bullshit and what I got is some One Punch Man-esque dumbass humor I live for it. Those gonk faces really breathe life into me. It has the stupid OP MC trope but it punishes him for it (like the refrigerator has a minimum level requirement). No harem here (the cutest character is a male dragon wow). Of course as always not perfect but it’s like a greasy cheeseburger like it hits the stomach so good I know it’s bad for you but damn I’m right at home. The story is a pretty unique take too, considering how all the isekai victims are actively being hunted down in the fantasy world.

Solo Leveling

So so disappointed with this one. The first arc was great! I loved it! The oppressive atmosphere and hopelessness really was eye popping. The art is beautiful and fully colored. I was hooked! And then MC got his cheat powers and it became dull as hell. Over and over he just utilizes the big damn heroes trope and saves everyone via deus ex machina. I actually read the light novel and boy howdy did that piss me off to the point that I didn’t sleep very well. Super chuunibyou (or choding in this case). I’m just sad because THE ART IS SO NICE. I tell myself I keep up with it because of the art. The only time you level grind enough to be god is when you actually play a real vidya gaem. (It’s how I roll, lmao.) Interesting world building though, I cry.

Ranker Who Lives a Second Time

These webtoons sure love them revenge stories. Pretty nice art, but really dull MC. If you remotely like revenge fantasies pick this up, but nothing particularly unique happens. The dwarf blacksmith is a funny tsundere... That’s it. Disappointed that the female... rival I guess? gets a crush on MC. 

Tomb Raider King

Time travel MC, not necessarily OP but does have a lot of knowledge to back him up. A revenge fantasy in which he tries to fuck over a rich asshole. I’m down with that. Please fuck over more rich assholes. If I like anything about this it’s the poor side characters that get wrangled into his bullshit.

Hero? I Quit A Long Time Ago

Please don’t read this one. It’s One Punch Man but with an infinitely more unlikeable MC. And I have no idea if it’s the translators or if they’re actually saying it, but referring to little girls as lolis is disgusting. It lacks all the charm OPM has.

Chainsaw Man

Full on no. Had an interesting concept but the MC is such a disgusting unlikeable piece of shit. What the fuck ass kind of horny kid is this. His dearest wish is to grab some breasts. Wow. Unbelievable.

Marimashita! Iruma-kun

It’s alright! Just a standard shounen schlock, but I’m entertained. I’m super fond of Asmodeus because he’s like a demon version of Gokudera and I’m always here for my boy. Demon grandpa is always doting and bragging about his grandson and I’m having fun. MC becomes more and more childlike though and I have no idea why. Deku in the demon world I guess. I love that everyone’s an idiot at the end of the day.

Kusuriya no Hitorigoto

SUPER SURPRISED AT THIS. I really like it. It’s like a medical mystery drama set in ancient China.  Maomao is such a good protagonist. I like her a lot. She is hyper focused onto medicine and doesn’t even care for the local love interest who is crying into his bowl of cocoa puffs. The only thing that was a cop-out was that her freckles were drawn on and fake. THEY MADE HER CUTE FUCK YOU. 

Kemono Jihen

It’s an ayakashi manga and is pretty fun. And then the writer made Aya act adult and crush on Kabane. Big freaking NO. An entertaining read though, but there are some horrifying things happening in the later arcs, so read at your own discretion.

This Time I Will Definitely Be Happy

So yeah, sometimes I read shoujo. I started to read this because it seemed like a subversion. Reincarnated MC always falls in love with the hero and yet the hero runs off with another woman and she dies miserably. So this time she’s gonna live her own life! I had fun and then it turned the plot back on straight by making it so that the hero loved her the entire time and she was a priestess who was originally isekai’d from Japan. The ending is largely meh and cliche. I largely still think about the beginning though.

Endo and Kobayashi’s Live Commentary on the Villainess

I... Okay? Just the MCs revealing how much of a tsundere Liselotte is is fun, but it’s just alright. Fun read if you’re bored, once again.

Tondemo Skill de Isekai Hourou Meshi

Stock Isekai manga but with a cooking twist. I like it. It’s just MC, a giant wolf, and a slime baby going around eating good food. The giant wolf is your standard OP monster but he’s sticking with MC because GOD DAMN he cooks like a champ.

Otome Game no Hametsu Flag shika nai Akuyaku Reijou ni Tensei shite shimatta...

Isekai shoujo version but I’m so fond of it because of how much of a dumbass MC is. Like at points it’s TOO much of a stretch of how idiotic she is, but it’s a jolly good time. And this is a harem series but all the girls love her too so I’m super forgiving. The drugstore candy bar that you love.

Somali to Mori no Kami-sama

Art is super beautiful and detailed. And how could you not love a series about a golem becoming a dad to a small tiny human daughter. I hear there’s an animu airing this year but I’ve been too lazy to check it out. Plus I dunno how limited budgets would affect the art.

Seijo no Maryoku wa Bannou Desu

Another standard isekai shoujo style (so many of these out there) but this time around MC just wants to live her life making potions. Good on her. This is a secret but sometimes my heart still goes a flutter for handsome men who are devoted. Huhu, that heart clogging granny’s old macaroni and cheese. Delicious but old.

Kono Sekai ga Game da to Ore dake ga Shitteiru

Isekai videogame version (PLEASE SO MANY OF THESE) but the unique aspect of it is that the videogame is glitchy as fuck and unforgiving. MC purposefully played a shitty game to the point of knowing most of the tips and tricks so when he gets shunted into it it’s hilarious how he went about it. Like step-cancels, abusing code-glitches, increasing skills by smashing his face inside the confessional, etc. Female characters are annoying and  one-note, but I appreciate the funny concept of being in a badly coded world.

Kami-sama no Ekohiiki

I... really enjoyed this? All gender-talk aside, I’m super sad that Torii’s love for Kagura (Yashiro) is unrequited, but at least she gets some hastily put together romance in the end. I really liked her. Kenta’s visit in the world where Yashiro doesn’t fall in love with him... right in the heart. 

Sorry For My Familiar

Small demon girl has a human as her familiar. Wacky hijinks ensue. It’s hilarious and light-hearted so read if you want to have a good time. I like me some good ol’ comedy.

Senyuu.

I’m like... going back and forth on reading this. On the one hand, I live for RPG parodies and dumb hijinks. On the other hand, FUCK THAT PEDOPHILE GRANDPA INTO THE DEEPEST PORTION OF HELL AND BACK. So many stupid loli jokes and yet I come back because Alba and Ros and literally everyone else. I dunno. I hear shit gets real, but hnngh. I guess this hinges on how much you can ignore the parts you hate.

I’m sure there are others but these are the ones that showed up in my reading history. Hope you enjoyed me rambling with no substance. Also really shows how much bad taste I have. ;-9

[emilyplaysotome]

Chapter 3 - The Hard Sell

It’s strange that the first thing I thought about was whether or not I should return to my apartment (now that it was no long inhabited by Zyglavis).

The sentimental part of me wanted to be comforted by all things familiar, but it was for that reason and that reason alone that I pushed myself to follow through and stay at Meg’s. My problem had been that I’d gotten too comfortable, both in my relationship and with other men whose affections towards me felt like a constant.

Between my time in otomeville and my time back home with Zyglavis, I had forgotten what it was to be truly alone. It was unsettling, returning this place where no one was thinking of me. As fiercely independent as I once was, I was now a domesticated version of myself - lost and weak and without a shoulder to cry on.

I had drawn strength from these relationships without even realizing it and now that they were gone I felt as if I was adrift at sea.

I took my phone out and sent a text to each of the otome men in my phone. It was a total Hail Mary on my part, and I had absolutely no expectation that I’d get a reply so when Leon immediately texted back I felt slightly relieved. He and I had never been close or even liked one another for that matter, but knowing that there was at least one person in this world who understood my history reinvigorated my drive to win the king’s new game.

We met a few hours later by his apartment for dinner, and I filled him in on everything that had happened.

“That makes sense,” he mumbled. “The last time I came by your place I could tell that Zyglavis was keeping something from me. It must have been the return of his powers…”

“And yours?” I asked hopefully.

Leon shook his head, “No. I could feel the king’s presence but I am not the God I once was in my world.”

I felt my heart sink as I kissed goodbye access to in-game cheat codes that Leon’s godly version possessed. In the hours before our meeting, it had started to sink in that this was going to be much harder than my first attempt had been at romancing otome men.

For starters, three months was not nearly enough time if you considered the fact that I still had to work most days. In otomeville, my days had been free to research and run about the city as I looked for clues and went on dates before finally getting myself home.

Now, both myself and the men were theoretically working 9-5s, Monday through Friday (if not more) and I still had no idea who that fifth mystery guest might be. As much as I hated it, I’d already re-activated my Tinder account (seeing as how the king had made it fairly explicit that I’d be needing to find the men in this world through conventional means) and I’d also downloaded Bumble, OkCupid, and Hinge figuring that the more apps I was on, the more chances I’d have in finding them.

I had hoped that Leon’s powers were back and that he could snap his fingers and cut through some of the noise, but it was becoming clearer and clearer that I was going to really need to strategize in order to find the most effective plan to locate and win the hearts of these men. Finding them would be only half the battle - I worried not only about the fact that they were all so attractive every woman in NYC was no doubt swiping right and without my advantage I was just another face in the crowd.

There was nothing particularly memorable or beautiful about me, and on apps like Tinder, superficial first impressions remain king. It was for that reason and that reason alone that I shared my profile with Leon. He tapped through my profile photos and with a scoff read my bio.

“No, this will never do. Don’t you have anything more…I don’t know…personable?”

“What do you mean?”

“Look at these - you’re just so…forgettable.”

“Hey!”

“You don’t have time to get upset Goldfish. Think. You need to find 5 men - what do they like? Why would they swipe on you? Right now you’re just another smiling face and you know it. Think.”

As tough as it was to hear Leon validate my feelings, I soon found myself searching for particular photos I knew I had in the annals of my facebook.

I started by finding a photo from 3 years ago at a motorcycle show I’d attended for work when Harley Davison was one of our clients. I hoped Hiroshi would see that and swipe right, knowing how much he loved motorcycles. For Soryu, I found a picture that he’d actually taken of me a month ago as I successfully completed my most challenging lift. I hoped that would also appeal to Jin and Hijikata, but taking no chances I added photos from a trip that I’d taken a fears years back at a traditional a Japanese temple long before I’d fallen down a rabbit hole to a bizarro version of the place. I also found a photo from halloween where I was dressed up as a sexy lady cop (something I’d hoped never to publicly share but figured that desperate times called for desperate measures).

Not knowing who the mystery fifth man was, I opted to use the last 2 of the 6 pictures Tinder allowed to appeal to Zyglavis.

The king had so cruelly wiped all my devices of our shared photos but for whatever reason had not taken ones of just me (such as all the solo shots he had taken of me on his birthday). In the photo I selected, I was holding up a chocolate ganache cake I’d made for him from scratch with a warm smile on my face. His birthday had happened before any of our problems had really started, and as a result it was clear as day by the way I looked at the camera that I was in love with the man who was holding it.

For my final picture, I recovered another photo that Zyglavis had taken at Maya and Omar’s wedding. In it, I’m wearing a form fitted dress, holding a slice of wedding cake, and smiling at the camera.

Leon nodded approvingly at my changes and noted, “What about the bio?”

I chewed on my bottom lip as I thought for a moment and then wrote the following: “We will be lost and found a thousand times on this cobbled road of us.” - Atticus

Leon chuckled and noted, “A little heavy handed but I like it. It’s a bit of a riddle and it speaks to the situation. Perhaps it might jog a lost memory or feeling.”

I smiled in an attempt to hide how overwhelmed I felt. I was starting over in such a big way and it felt daunting to be at the starting line again. Leon saw through my fake smile and awkwardly noted, “It’ll be fine.”

“Will it? The king is right - without the advantage...”

“It pains me to say this but your problem with the men in this world has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how you view yourself.”

“Come on, you’ve seen the women in this city and -“

“Naomi, you make it hard for me to believe you’re competent at your job. You’re in marketing, no? You must understand the concept of selling a product.”

“Of course I do!”

“In dating, you’re the product. Why would I want to buy a product that believes that all the women around her are better? Men don’t need a lot of convincing if you’ve already decided you’re inferior on your own. They’ll just take your word for it and go look for something better.”

Once more, though Leon’s words cut deep in my heart I knew he was right.

Dating in this world (before I’d found myself living in a fantasy) had robbed me of my confidence. As time went on, I found myself believing less and less that I’d ever find happiness and that in itself proved to be a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

I wondered when it was that I started feeling this way which conjured memories from previous heartaches and feeling of inadequacy created by men who were too emotionally stunted to ever be a real partner in the way that I wanted.

As my mind mulled over the root of these problematic beliefs I held for myself, Leon continued, “The ego of man is a fragile one. Far more fragile than that of a woman’s feelings. If you believe that you are the best product a man can have, he will believe it too. Courtship is the perfect balance of self confidence and affirmation. You use your looks to make the first impression, then you show off a product that is so highly desired you wouldn’t ever settle for the first bidder, yet you maintain clear interest by expressing a reasonable level of affection somewhere between total indifference and complete thirst.”

“What do you mean?”

Leon sighed, annoyed that I didn’t have the tools to unpack what he felt was obvious and said, “Just find a way to casually tell a man he’s handsome. That word is kryptonite for men - it can be used in a familiar way without coming across desperate but at the same time makes it obvious that you find them attractive.”

“Leon…you’re really good at this.”

Leon shrugged, “I suppose a millennia of hearing the wishes of men makes it fairly obvious what they desire most.”

“Seriously. You’ve opened my eyes to something I couldn’t figure out from years of therapy. You should teach classes or something.”

“No time. Besides, that would only get in the way of my political career.”

“Your what now?”

With a cocky grin Leon polished off the rest of the beer that was sitting in front of him and said confidently, “The next few months will be busy for me. I plan to run for mayor here. You goldfish need someone like me in charge!”

I let out a laugh and it was oddly comforting to see that even though much had changed in the course of a weekend, Leon’s arrogance would remain a constant in my life for the foreseeable future.

That night I found myself in Meg’s guest room on Tinder.

I’d forgotten how tedious the process of weeding through such a large pool of men could be. There were the guys that were an obvious no, with profiles that made it clear they wanted sex and nothing more. There were the trolls and the geeks and the men that made me feel superficial and mean for not ever giving them a chance despite the fact they seemed to be good people underneath a less than desirable exterior.

Finally there was that elusive 1% of attractive, but not so attractive that they were guaranteed to be players. The smart, cute, totally dateable man who (statistically speaking) had a line of women waiting to hang out. I was an underdog in so many ways but as I continued my adventures in swiping I reminded myself that Leon was right.

I needed to value myself more or no one else would.

With that in mind, I found myself walking to the full length mirror in the guest room, momentarily leaving my phone behind as I evaluated the product I was currently hawking online. 

She was average female height at around 5’4” and 145 lbs. She had dark hair, dark eyes, full lips, and a nice smile. Her skin was looking a little ruddy at the moment with dark circles under her eyes and thanks to her laziness when it came to cosmetics meant that whenever she was sleep deprived she never attempted to hide the fact she looked less than ideal.

I thought about the Naomi I wanted to be, and how when I looked good I felt better about myself. I didn’t wear makeup just because I was a tomboy - really, I never wore makeup because I was too self-conscious to learn. I pretended that I was above it all, but in actuality I just perpetually ran behind and between not having time and not having any idea what I was doing started hanging my hat on the fact that I am “all natural”.

I decided that thanks to Leon’s verbal push I was going to be Naomi 2.0 - a better version of the self that had already made great strides to becoming better in the months since her fall down the rabbit hole. Beyond just introducing me to men, my time in otomeville had reminded me about all the things I liked about myself and now it was time to work on those things I still struggled with.

The next day, my coworkers were sad to learn that our salad runs with Hiroshi and Jin had come to an end. I came up with a story that they’d gone undercover and as a result even I didn’t know where they were.

As a result, I spent that lunch hour trying to familiarize myself with some basic products that I hoped could help give my appearance a bit more polish and my fragile ego a bit of a boost. The lady at Sephora informed me as she applied some powder with a brush that “I made hilarious faces” and as self-conscious as I was by the end of my time there I walked out with a good set of makeup brushes, powder, blush, bronzer, eyeliner, an eye kit for special occasions, an eyelash curler, and some mascara.

I’d gone back and forth on the lipstick, ultimately deciding that I’d be too self conscious in a bright color and would opt for my usual chapstick gloss.

No one said anything about my new look back at the office, and the day flew by as it usually did now that I was back in the rhythm of my usual life. At the moment, I’d spent the last few months working on a few different accounts ranging from athleisure (Adidas) to skincare (dove). After returning from otomeville and my quick stint at Addison & Rhodes, I’d requested a change of clientele from my boss and was happy that she accommodated my request.

My life at work was far more enjoyable these days, and it was nice to once again feel creative and inspired at my day job. The hours flew by and before I knew it 6 pm hit and I made a slight detour on my way back to Meg’s apartment.

In addition to the makeup, I decided to purchase a few “date night outfits” that were less stuffy than my “biz-cas” (business casual) work attire and very casual t-shirt and jeans. I’ll admit that even though I’d turned my nose up in the past at women who poured a lot of energy into their appearance, I was eating crow at the moment.

I looked nice - better than I had in a long time and as a result I could feel my confidence growing to the point that wooing 5 handsome men over the course of 3 months no longer seemed impossible.

With my high end shopping sprees complete (though not even comparable to the shopping I’d once done during my time as the bachelorette) I was found myself riding high on a mix of newfound confidence and positivity. I swiped my way from the shops near my office in TriBeCa/Soho to Meg’s apartment in the west village yet there was no sign of any of the otome men.

The tinder gold icon let me know that 99+ men had already swiped right (aka “yes”) on me and realizing that it might make sense to expedite this process through additional capital I took the leap and discovered that I already had 900 suitors at the ready. Feeling quite good about the number of men lined up to date me, I scrolled through the faces hoping to see someone familiar and just as I was close to the bottom who should I see but a very familiar cinnamon roll.

Wearing a leather jacket, holding his helmet in one hand, Hiroshi’s first Tinder photo had him leaning against his parked motorcycle. I was so excited that I almost hastily swiped right and instantly messaged him, but thinking about the king, Leon, and the fact that I did not know this version of Hiroshi I knew that I needed to play it smart.

I took screenshots of his page, hoping that there would be a clue seeing as how if I managed to blow this shot with him somehow I’d need a backup plan. From the images I gathered (paired with the miles away) I deduced that he was somewhere in Queens, had joined a local bike club there, and frequented a certain bar (two of his photos were in the same pub and in his profile he noted that he loved an inexpensive dive).

Once I’d properly archived all the information I could get on Hiroshi, I swiped right and hoping to appeal to his inner bike nerd I wrote, “Hey! Cool motorcycle - how long have you been riding?”

I felt good about that opener until a few minutes later I saw his reply and my newfound confidence shattered.

“Hey sorry - u were an accidental swipe. Cool u like bikes tho. Always up 2 chat about that but ur not my type haha.”

The king wasn’t playing around this time and it was already obvious that a little makeup and some new clothes weren’t going to help me much with a game that was clearly rigged from the start. 

The old Naomi would have gotten down on herself, but this new and improved 2.0 Naomi who believed in her product was ready for what was clearly going to be the biggest challenge of her life...

Next to Chapter 4

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[emilyplaysotome]

Dating Diaries - Chapter 6 - Boomerang

Inspired by real events, Emi enters the dating world after her long term relationship ends. Determined to move forward, she starts dating and quickly finds herself in over her head.

In case you missed it, here are the previous chapters:

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

On Wednesday, three days after my awkward encounter with Makoto and my Dear Kazu letter, I received a TalkTime message seemingly out of the blue. 

“Hey hey. How’s your week going?”

I must have stared at the message and its sender for a good five minutes before I fully processed that perhaps things were not as “done” with Makoto as I’d thought. I felt confused to say the least considering where we’d left things and the fact he’d gone from texting me everyday to radio silence after his typo ridden message.

Below the texts from Mako were two from Kazumi (who had yet to reply to my email as promised). Seeing as how he hadn’t said anything of substance, I’d stayed strong and left his messages “read” but unanswered.

To be honest, it was difficult not having that person to interact with everyday who acted as a boyfriend proxy of sorts, but I knew it was for the best.

Sitting in that silence as a single person had proven to be difficult. I missed the attention and the accessibility to a friend that being in a relationship provided, but I did my best to start thinking about a night alone as an opportunity to do something fun or get something accomplished that would make me feel better. 

The first night I’d cleaned out my closet which was a not-so-sexy task on my to-do list that had been there for months. The second night I’d rented a few girly movies I’d missed in the theaters and got really yummy takeout. The third night I finally finished the novel I was reading on and off for the past month.

I began to notice that as time went on, sitting with silence began to get easier, and even though it hadn’t been that long upon seeing that text I suddenly felt shaken out of my newly “single and free” headspace and thrust back into utter confusion.

Mentally determining that both of these relationships were over had caused me to shift gears and accept my “singleness” in a way that I hadn’t been able to do before. I was not only prepared for nights of total solitude, but more importantly had actually planned a week for myself around it with that as a theme of sorts. I’d planned to play some otome games, reconnect with a few friends, and really give my apartment a good scrub down.

I also realized that until I was really single and free, I wouldn’t be able to properly heal and learn what it meant to be selfish for me.

Makoto’s text hung in limbo for a bit, until I determined that I wasn’t ready to fully close the door on him (or at least wanted closure if he was going to send a “breakup” text). I waited until I was finished with work, and sitting on the subway with nothing better to do on my commute home I drafted a few responses until I finally replied with, “Hey - it’s good. Busy! How have you been?”

I sat there, the signal on my phone going in and out as the train hurtled between stations, holding my breath as I waited for what I assumed would be an obligatory, “Sorry I’ve been out of touch...after doing some thinking I don’t think we’re right together” type of follow up.

Fifteen minutes later, three stations away from my stop, the phone chimed.

Same :) when do i get to see you again?

I was so stunned, that despite being in public my inner phono-semantic monologue of “Uooh-eh?” tumbled from lips louder than I would have liked on such a crowded train. The woman sitting next to me glanced over at my phone, then me, and shot me a knowing and sympathetic look which indicated she’d experienced hew own fair share of confusion at the hands of the men she was dating.

Taking the lessons I’d learned during my three days of being completely “single” I did not want to prioritize Makoto above myself, or plans I’d already made with friends. My singlesness had inspired me to schedule things up until Sunday night, so I figured I’d offer up that free block time and see what happened.

Hmmm...maybe Sunday? This week is kind of jam packed with friends and work.

My friend Ayoto is having a small holiday party that night. You could come if you’d like? Or if you’re free Friday, someone I know is having a show at a gallery of his photos and it should be casual and fun. I thought we could swing by.

What time Friday? I’m supposed to meet my friend for dinner and to be honest I’d feel a little weird crashing your friend’s intimate holiday party.

It’s 7 - 11 on Friday.

Yuri and I had made plans to meet around 6:30 for dinner that day. 

I figured that usually took 2 hours at most, which meant I could head over after and meet Makoto. Not wanting to be rude, I sent Yuri a text and asked her if that could work and if she might want to join me at the gallery, seeing as how it seemed like an open event.

If I was going to meet some acquaintances of Mako’s who would no doubt size me up, I figured I might as well see if she’d be interested in scoping him out for me.

Naturally Yuri agreed, and as my train pulled into my station I toggled back to reply to Makoto.

That can work so long as we meet around 8:30 when Yuri and I are done with dinner.

Cool...Yuri. You’re not planning to bring a handsome Russian man to this are you?

LOL no, Yuri is a pretty Japanese lady but I can see if she wants to join me. Is that ok?

Haha. Yeah. I’m just glad you’re not having dinner with another guy before our date.

My eyebrow twitched with irritation as I entered my apartment.

There it was again.

The insecurity and jealousy from Makoto that had caused him to be weird in the first place. I took a screen shot of the message and sent it to Yuri, letting her know that I wanted her to join me because I needed her assessment of him ASAP.

And with my Friday plans in place, I put my phone away and enjoyed another night of being fully single.

I continued to ignore Kazumi until Thursday evening when he sent me the saddest text I’ve ever gotten from a grown man.

I was in the middle of painting my nails and watching Terrace House when his message came in.

Sunshine...I feel awful that you’re avoiding me...and that you’ve stopped liking me :(

I knew Kazumi well enough to know that he was genuinely affected by my silence. I also knew him well enough to know that he was dodging everything I’d brought up in my email.

It’s a funny thing how men are sometimes selective about when they’re “good” at communication. In the past, I’ve wanted more from Kazu but accepted what he was capable of.

Yet, now that I held some power he was suddenly around and ready to engage with me in a way he’d previously claimed to be incapable. This fact was not lost on me, though it annoyed me greatly. With that said, I still liked him but I had to wonder if I was beginning to like him a little less these days.

I haven’t stopped liking you. But I gave you my thoughts in an email and you haven’t said anything I can respond to.

I know...I’ve read your email so many times but I just don’t know how to reply to something so beautiful and sad.

Sunshine...please don’t stop liking me.

Kazu...I like you so much but I don’t want to compromise my heart or allow myself to be hurt. I had to be honest with where I’m at. You don’t have to reply. As time goes on, I just know this is going to be harder and so I’d prefer to say goodbye now and have these nice memories.

Sunshine, no - that’s too sad. Please. I like you so much and this whole week I’ve felt awful, deep in my heart. I feel sick at the thought of losing you.

It makes me happy that my feelings are not one-sided, but I just...I struggle with you because I really think I need to be on my own but at the same time I want to be with you.

And I start to get attached and feel weird and jealous and I don’t like that. It’s hard to focus. I just think it would be easier to walk away now.

Emi...logically you’re right but why not just give this some time? Can’t we just keep talking, seeing each other, and see how we feel?

I have not felt this way about anyone since the girl I told you about. The one that really broke my heart. I haven’t felt this kind of “like” in many, many, many years. I will do whatever I can to make you understand that.

You say that you are not ready for a relationship and to be honest, I am not ready for one either. I am willing to think about what you said and potentially start one with you but I don’t think that’s what you want?

No. It’s not. I’m not ready.

So what do you want?

I don’t know.

When you do know, tell me and we can figure it out. But please, don’t run away.

You are very special and lovely and I like being with you. Losing you these past few days was incredibly painful which was a sign for me. You fill something in me, and I want to have you in my life as long as you’ll have me.

Thanks for this Kazu. I have to go though. I’ll think about what you said, and what I want.

Ok Sunshine. I’ve gotta try and meet Kotoko’s deadline for some pages. She’s been killin’ me lately - between the tour and the new book schedule I’ve been so stressed. You running away was almost the final nail in my coffin!

Haha you’re so dramatic. Good luck with your work. I’ll always root for you no matter what happens with us.

I wish I could kiss you.

hahaha Kazu why are you always shirtless when you send me selfies???

Because I always work in my underwear.

You’re such a weirdo lol good luck with your writing

Send me a picture when you can. I miss your beautiful face. I miss you.

I couldn’t help but smile.

Kazumi knew exactly the right combination of weird, sweet, charming, and fun that could make my heart flutter a little. Hearing how much he liked me and that he wasn’t prepared to give up after I pushed him away made me want to keep him in my life for a bit longer.

Yes, he had disappointed me to a degree but no one was perfect and to his defense, I really didn’t know what I wanted from him.

It would have been simple if all I wanted was for him to be my boyfriend but in the time we spent apart, I’d started to think about what that would look like exactly. We wouldn’t be in the same city, and even if we were one day, he would constantly be on the road for his work.

While was charming and fun, he also was incredibly damaged emotionally from his past - both losing his parents at an early age and having a bad relationship that scarred him deeply. He had a hard time staying still which is why his nomadic life suited him to a degree, and in many ways talk of the future stressed him out.

It struck me as ironic that all the things that made him so irresistible to me also made him terrible as a boyfriend. His spontaneity made him great in the moment, but terrible long term. His trauma made him fascinating but also incredibly difficult to handle emotionally.

At the end of the day, the more I’d thought about it, the more I’d determined that Kazumi Kagami as amazing as he was could never be the kind of boyfriend or husband I wanted...

...but I didn’t want to say goodbye either, which is why this was so hard.

As I wrestled with what I should or should not do, I heard that voice telling me it was ok to be selfish, and so I did nothing.

I turned my phone off and I went back to painting my nails and watching Terrace House.

On Friday, Yuri met me at our go-to dinner spot and after going a little crazy with our order of beers, fried chicken, and ramen all talk quickly turned to my love life.

Yuri knew how stressed out I’d been throughout the week, juggling Kazumi and Makoto, then catching the feels for Kazumi before finally deciding to let him go. Being the good friend she was, she’d indulged me more than she needed to and I was grateful that she seemed excited about the notion of getting to meet one of the contestants in my faux reality show - Emi’s Next Top Boyfriend.

“I’m not going to lie,” she said after slurping down a bunch of noodles, “I’m pretty excited to size this Mako character up.”

“Good because I need help. I thought this was over and then all of a sudden he’s back and I just have no idea of where he’s at or what he’s thinking.”

“Do you know if his friends are going to be there?”

“I don’t and to be honest, I didn’t really think we were there...the whole...meeting the friends.”

“I guess you’ll find out when we get there.”

“Yeah, and I know you just thrive at these kinds of things.”

Yuri flashed me a confident smile before snagging a piece of fried chicken. 

“I thrive at any event with free wine.”

Even though she was just joking, Yuri had a knack for these types of social situations. She was one of those people who had the ability to roll into a party where she didn’t know anyone and had no reservations mingling until she’d made a few new friends.

Whereas this kind of event stressed me out, I knew that I would be able to not only hang out with her and Makoto, but that I could leave her and go off with him and not have to worry about how she was doing. Seeing as how Yuri was such a delight at these events, I had no doubt that her presence would only make me look better to Makoto.

Tonight he would see that not only am I a total catch, but that the people I consider friends are cool, pretty, sociable, smart, and fun. On top of that I felt incredibly relieved to finally enter into one of these situations with a friend. In so many ways dating was uncharted territory and I was excited to finally have a wing-woman who could offer a second opinion. 

My phone let out a chime, and Kazumi’s name flashed on the screen.

“Oh no...I thought that was over?”

“Not exactly...”

“How did he worm his way back into your good graces this time?”

I let out a sigh. 

I knew that Yuri was not a fan of Kazumi’s. It made sense, considering the story I told her which was not entirely fair to him. It also made sense based on the fact that he was a difficult man, and as my friend she wanted to shield me from the “fucboi bullshit” he brought into my life from time to time.

With that said, there was nuance to our relationship which wasn’t easily explained over text. I figured that seeing as how I wasn’t quite ready to let Kazumi go, I might as well give Yuri the full story.

“It’s a little more complicated than I’ve been making it I guess,” I said, as I struggled to explain the fact that I didn’t fully understand what I wanted from him.

I filled her in on the fact that while I had started to really fall for Kazumi, I knew that he was not boyfriend material. After Shizuo, I didn’t want to waste my time trying to make the wrong man right, but it was hard when I had such strong feelings for someone I knew I had the potential to love in a way that I might not be able to love Makoto.

As I broke down all my problems with him, Yuri softened a bit as she understood that Kazu was not simply some Casanova who was manipulating my emotions but that I was aware of what was happening and confused as to how I wanted him in my life.

“Damn girl,” she finally said. “I mean...I still don’t care for the things he pulls with you, but I’m glad to hear that there’s been more to this.”

“Yeah.”

“So what have you decided to do?”

“Be selfish...and do nothing for now.”

“Mmm.”

A comfortable silence passed between us, the table littered with the remnants of our dinner. Our waitress returned with our check, and after throwing down some money Yuri lit up and nudged me playfully.

“Well...time to scope this guy out! Shall we?”

The gallery was pretty crowded, and we pushed our way through the crowd as I looked for Makoto. Seeing as how he was tall I figured I’d be able to spot him fairly easily and sure enough I saw him towards the back with a group of people.

“Yuri - that’s him. Over there...”

“The blonde guy?”

“Girl no...you know I don’t like blondes. The tall one. With the plaid shirt...who just saw me and...hi.”

I responded to Makoto’s awkward wave with one of my own and approached him with Yuri in tow. “Hey! How’s it going?” he asked all smiles.

Truthfully, he looked cuter than I’d remembered him being. He was wearing a nicer shirt for the occasion, and he reached out to give me one of those familiar side-hug things that people do. “Hi,” I said, suddenly feeling a bit self conscious as I looked over at the circle of friends Makoto had stepped out of to greet us. They were also tall and handsome for the most part, and I recognized two of them as Ayato Hidaka (the actor) and Takamune Kitame (the soccer star). “You must be Yuri - I’m Makoto,” he said effortlessly, still wearing that same warm smile of his. “Nice to meet you!” Yuri exclaimed, giving him no indication that the sizing up process had begun. “Sorry, sorry. I’m bad with introductions,” I said feigning bashfulness. Makoto and Yuri exchanged a few pleasantries, and after a few additional introductions where Yuri and I met his friends, he encouraged us to go get a glass of complimentary wine from the open bar. 

Yuri waited until we were finally out of earshot on our way to the bar before giving me her first impression of Makoto.

“He seems very nice, and I get the vibe he likes you quite a bit.”

“You think? He’s always changing the pictures on the app though...”

“Yeah but like, that doesn’t mean much. I mean...look at him. He keeps glancing over and smiling at you.”

“I don’t know...”

“Well, I will continue to observe but that’s what my gut is saying at the moment.”

“He’s cute right? I forgot how cute he was...”

Yuri laughed at me in a way that only a good friend can. It was a laugh that told me I never change, and a laugh that made it obvious she was rooting for my happiness.

I drank too much free wine that night. 

The good news was that I felt as if I was being my usual, charming self and did not come off as a drunken mess to his friends. If anything, Makoto was the one who seemed a bit sloppy and nervous as he actually spilled a bunch of his wine while chatting with me and Yuri.

I teased him about being a disruptive drunk and he abashedly got a refill, returning to the circle of his friends instead of where Yuri and I were standing until his embarrassment waned. 

It was a funny thing, seeing him again after having convinced myself that we were totally over. To be honest, the more wine I drank the more I wanted to touch him - covertly taking his hand in mine or grabbing onto his sleeve when we went to get a drink together (and left Yuri behind with his friends).

I came to learn that his brother was the photographer behind the opening, but thanksfully didn’t have the pressure of meeting the family so soon as Riku spent most of the night speaking to agents and potential clients. 

Overall, the night was pleasant and before I knew it Yuri was giving me her final assessment as Makoto made the rounds and said goodbye while we got our coats (and his) from coat check.

“He definitely likes you a lot.”

“But...”

“You’re on the apps too...I don’t know. Based on what I saw he seems pretty smitten.”

I paused, slightly concerned that if I believed Yuri I might get my hopes up prematurely.

“He’s cute right?”

“Yes...you said that already,” she said with a chuckle, “but I think he might be a little boring for you. I know I’d probably get bored with him.”

I knew Yuri well enough to know what she was saying, even though her comment at face value seemed harsh. 

She and I were cut from the same cloth to a degree when it came to the men we liked, and even though our steady boyfriends tended to be nice guys who were head over heels for us, realistically we gravitated towards men who were far more complicated and interesting.

It was precisely why I liked Kazumi more despite all his messiness - he was many things, but he was never boring.

Everything I’d been holding myself back from doing came forth the second we were in the cab, and after giving the driver my address I essentially threw myself at Makoto. It had been some time as a grown woman that I’d made out in the backseat of a cab but I couldn’t stop myself from doing so. Kissing Makoto was fine, but it just didn’t have the same kind of fire I had with Kazumi. I found myself getting a bit frustrated, teasing him almost as if to challenge him to step it up a bit and ultimately found myself interrupted by the cab driver who politely let me know that we had arrived.

Back in my apartment the momentum died down a bit, and I found myself talking to Makoto about what he’d been up to as well as the fact that he’d really liked Yuri. He suggested setting her up with his friend Taka (who we’d met), and the four of us having a double date to which I found myself nowhere near ready for that.

I didn’t know how he felt about me and worse, I didn’t know how I was feeling about him. On paper everything was so perfect but I still just felt that there was something missing in our sexual chemistry. 

Nevertheless, that didn’t stop me from going to bed with him (in the name of science) and after what I would describe as a 7/10 experience found myself lying on his chest as we continued our conversation before I’d attempted to derail my merging of worlds prematurely via seduction.

"I’m really glad I got to see you again,” he said softly as he stroked my hair. “It felt like a long time...”

“I know, but it was really only 5 days.”

“Such a long time,” he joked.

“I mean, it is considering before that I think 3 days was the longest.”

“I haven’t gone on any other dates.”

“That’s not my business Makoto. I already told you, you can if you want.”

“I know, but I’m so busy lately and then when I have free time I was hoping to see you.”

“Ugh. I always forget how cute you are.”

“That’s not fair. I don’t forget how pretty you are...”

I could feel how soft and loving my gaze was on him in that moment, and he smiled before he pulled me towards him. In that moment his kiss was soft and loving, and when I pulled back he asked, “Wednesday?”

“Hmmm?”

“Can I see you on Wednesday? Five days was too long.”

“Ok. Wednesday.”

He kissed me again and then got dressed. I probably should have offered my bed overnight, but I just wasn’t there with him for some reason. I knew if he stayed I’d get no sleep and so we did what we’d done before, except this time I had no doubt that I’d see him again.

In my skimpy pajamas I walked a fully dressed Makoto to my front door where he playfully grabbed my butt and kissed me a few more times before leaving.

As I closed the door, I thought about the fact that I was lucky.

Even if Makoto wasn’t “the one”, I was still lucky that this was the kind of person I’d met. For years my single friends told me what dating was like on these apps. Their experiences in many ways influenced my own expectations insofar as what I assumed this would be.

I had assumed with both Kazumi and Makoto that they would ghost after two or three dates (or perhaps after sleeping with me). I constantly assumed that these fragile, new relationships were teetering on the edge of being over. I waited for the texts that my friends showed me - the ones in which the man takes the high road and expresses the fact that while he had fun, he doesn’t see a future together.

With Kazumi I had assumed my letter would be the end of it. I had assumed that he would express that my role in his life was nothing more than a fling versus anything to fight for (be it friendship or more). This week I had learned that for Kazumi I was more than just a fling. He might not care about me enough to put in the work to dig through his feelings and answer my email, but he cared enough to do what he was capable of in this moment in time.

He cared enough to fight a little bit...and seeing as how I didn’t know what the hell I wanted, I was at least happy to know that the strong feelings I had towards him were not completely one sided.

And then there was Makoto.

I’ll never understand what happened that night that caused him to pull back and change his pictures, but being with him in person confirmed that he was the cinnamon roll I remembered. Yuri’s read on him meant something to me, because when I was with him I felt that he really liked me.

Now that we had plans for Wednesday, it felt like it did when we first met. It felt like he wanted to keep our momentum going and not let me go.

I was very lucky.

I felt very loved...or at least, very liked.

As I got ready for bed, I thought about what it meant to be selfish right now. Perhaps it meant continuing to see a man who I wasn’t sold on in addition to one who wasn’t right.

Maybe it was just about letting these things play out, and realizing that I had a say in the matter.

I didn’t have to wait around and wonder if they’d ghost or not. I got to say what I wanted, how I wanted it, and create my own rules for myself out of that.

My eyelids grew heavy, and I decided that tomorrow first thing I would wake up and spend my Saturday morning coming up with my own Terms & Conditions for dating.

Because at least then, I’d have a roadmap and it would be completely my own.

Continue to Chapter 7

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