#Like gotta remind myself this isn’t middle school or freshman year and I have many genuine friends who love me who I love

[the-lesbian-orpheus]

Some days I feel like “I am Martin Blackwood and I am not lonely anymore‼️”should be my daily affirmation or something

[ptergwen]

4 times peter loved you and 1 time he said it

warnings: angst, swearing, and flash being a dickwad (love him tho)

a/n: i wasn’t sure if i would ever finish this bc i started in march? and gave up but i really like the concept so i made myself get back into it and AHH i’m really happy with how it turned out! fingers crossed y’all like too ahaha. also this is unrelated but send me requests!

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to say you and peter were each other’s missing halves would be an absolute understatement. there wasn’t a secret you didn’t share, an inside joke you didn’t have, a text or call left unanswered, or a second you weren’t on the other’s mind.

it had been like that since your first day of freshman year. you took the seat next to peter in first period spanish, and the rest was history.

peter knew you better than you knew yourself. as cheesy as it sounded, it was true. he could guess what you were going to order at a restaurant before you picked up the menu. if you had a bad day, he’d come over to your place with tissues and hugs, without you having to ask. he knew all the little things.

you? you were a peter parker encyclopedia. you watched all his favorite movies so he could rant to you about them, and you’d actually understand what he was saying. whenever he felt overwhelmed by his chaotic life, you found a way to calm him.

you two were soulmates in best friend form.

best friends, nothing more.

♡ 1.

you had an arm around peter’s neck as you picked at some fruit on his lunch tray. his head was resting comfortably against your cheek, whole body leaning on you. impromtu cuddle sessions weren’t unusual for the two of you. they worked in both of your favors. peter was your own personal heater, and you were just really comfortable to nap on, in his opinion.

“are you gonna eat all my grapes? i was looking forward to those,” peter whined, taking one out of your hand. “are you gonna keep using me as a pillow?” you challenged. he responded by moving his head to your shoulder and chewing. “then, yes. i am gonna eat all your grapes.”

“you know what two people who share food are?” ned chimed in from across the cafeteria table. already knowing what he was implying, you sighed. “what, ned?” he cupped his hand over his mouth like he was about to spill the world’s biggest secret. “a couple.”

it wouldn’t be a regular day without ned trying to play matchmaker for you and peter. the idea made peter scoff. “leave us alone, man. that doesn’t even make sense.” “yes it does!” ned nudged mj for backup. she only raised her hands in defense. it was always a hard pass from her on getting involved in these types of things, unless she found a reason to.

“really? how?” you grabbed peter’s milk and took a sip just for the hell of it. he chuckled at that, forgetting he was supposed to be annoyed with you. a bit of milk dripped down your chin in the process. “oops,” you grimaced at yourself and licked it away.

something about the whole thing made peter’s heart clench. it was so... you were so... cute. cute was definitely the word he was looking for. wait, what? that was new. peter had always thought you were pretty and all, but he’d never found himself endeared like this over such a little thing you did. or had he? no. nope. it was ned’s stupid theory messing with him. that was all.

“y/n, dude, everyone knows it’s a thing. like, why else would someone give up their whole lunch? it’s flirting,” ned interrupted peter’s sudden thoughts about your cuteness. the smug look on his face made you want to throw the tray at him.

before you even joined their friend group, ned was on a mission to set the two of you up. peter described you to him and mj as “the actual sweetest girl ever. she makes me laugh a lot. you guys gotta meet her.” mj obviously ‘tsked’ at him, but a light bulb went off in ned’s head. peter was crushing. he just didn’t know it yet.

part of how you and peter got so close was that ned and mj used to back out of group plans. you’d end up hanging out alone most of the time. of course, it was ned’s idea. a successful idea, yes, but neither of you understood the obsession. apparently it was a guy in the chair’s duty to be a good wingman, and you should leave it to him. whatever that meant.

“if i remember correctly, you and your mom went halfsies on a piece of cake at your birthday party last year. what are you trying to tell us, leeds?” mj asked with a smirk. you and peter looked at each other and burst into laughter, ned’s mouth hanging open. the girl could really get someone when she wanted to.

“shut up, you guys! that’s different!” “so is y/n stealing my food and you calling it sharing,” peter made a point of saying more to you than ned. despite his words, he pushed the tray over to you. it was basically yours, anyway.

you thanked him with a pat on his cheek and popped more grapes into your mouth. in that moment, peter decided he’d get you all the grapes in the world if he could. jeez, he seriously needed to reel it in.

ned was only going to keep going now. “see that? peter’s such a sweet boyfriend. isn’t he, y/n?��� he cooed and clasped his hands under his chin. you didn’t have the chance to change the topic before flash appeared at your table. he’d probably overheard your conversation. “penis parker is somebody’s boyfriend? good one.”

feeling peter tense up next to you, you put a hand on his shoulder to let him know you were there. you’d been in too many of these situations. the way flash talked to peter pissed you off in ways you didn’t think were possible. he was fine with everybody else, so why did he choose to pick on him? peter was the least deserving person of having to put up with it from anyone.

“just ignore him, okay? he’ll get bored and leave. works every time,” you reminded peter. too uneasy to say anything, he reached back and put his hand on top of yours. he tried to focus on how nice your touch felt instead of the fact that he was about to be humiliated by flash yet again.

“peter could totally get a girlfriend! he has, like, tons of girls after him,” ned attempted to back peter up, pleased with himself. groaning, peter put his head down on the table. he couldn’t bare to watch his friend destroy what was left of his social life. “you’re really pushing this now. stop talking,” mj warned in a whisper yell to ned. that didn’t stop flash from hearing her.

“she’s right. even parker agrees! look at him,” he snickered at peter’s embarrassed state. you’d had more than enough of him at that point. screw the silence. it wasn’t going to cut it for this one. while wingman ned was still making up stories, you tapped peter’s shoulder to find out how he was doing. his head remained down.

“you okay? want me to say something?” “i’m used to it, and no. i don’t wanna make you deal with him.” peter hated putting his issues on other people, but you couldn’t stand another second of listening to the things flash was saying. you cut into an argument between him and ned about peter’s body count. like his was any higher.

“fuck off, flash!” he stopped in the middle of his sentence. “huh?” “i said fuck off. anyone would be so lucky to date peter. you’re probably salty at him all the time because it’ll never be you,” you finally snapped. his tough guy persona faltered for a few seconds at your words, ned and mj taking the opportunity to high five you for telling him off.

peter was glad his head was still down because his cheeks were pinker than he’d like to admit. did you really mean that? would you be lucky to date him, too?

“what are you, president of the parker protection squad? or are you two a thing?” flash quickly recovered. there he went trying to get the last word in. the embarrassment for peter if you denied it was exactly what he wanted, but you weren’t letting him have it.

“ask me again some other time.” you plastered on a shit-eating grin and waved goodbye. unsatisfied with your answer, flash huffed his way back to his own table. after he was gone, peter looked up at you with something you’d never seen before twinkling in his eyes.

“thank you, y/n. you really didn’t have to say all of that.” “oh, no. don’t thank me. i‘d do it for you anytime. i am president of the parker protection squad, after all.” your fake smile turned into a genuine one for him. peter couldn’t help but mirror it.

his was heart doing that thing again. he guessed it was because he loved you so much, but this love felt different somehow. it wasn’t the friend kind of love he’d had for you all those years.

it was the kind of love he saw in the rom coms you made him watch when you got to pick for movie night. cupid’s love was the official name for it. when he put two and two together, the realization smacked him straight in the face. ned was right.

peter was starting to fall in love with you, and there was no way he could stop.

♡ 2.

peter was a workaholic. patrolaholic to be exact, especially when he had a reason. he’d sometimes find himself in a cycle of getting home late and going out early for days on end. he’d gotten used to the sleep deprivation. his grumbling stomach from missing meals wasn’t too big of a deal either. not when he had a city to save.

it was also a good distraction from everything else going on in his life. man, did he need a distraction. after peter came to terms with the fact that he loved loved his best friend, he narrowed it down to two options; telling you about his feelings or taking them to his grave. since the city was so busy, he was thankful he could throw himself into patrolling and not decide just yet.

may would usually only allow peter to patrol on weekends. school existed, and he had to take breaks. peter really wanted to help out more, so he proposed an idea that could potentially let him up it to the full seven days. he had to make it home in one piece every night for a trial week. that would prove to may he could handle it.

ignoring his black eye on tuesday and limp on thursday, it worked out. peter was positive he could finish off the week just fine. may didn’t have the same optimism. she decided that so much as a scratch on friday and it was strike three. friday came, and peter had impressively managed to end the day, like he thought, just fine.

he did one last swing around the neighborhood he was in, then started heading back to queens to gloat to may. on his way, he remembered he had to text you goodnight. he was bound by a pinky swear to you that he would do it every time he finished patrolling.

peter being spider-man was something you figured out only a few months after he got his powers. he technically exposed himself, and you pieced everything together. it all happened when spider-man offered to walk you home from school one day.

the way he rubbed the back of his neck while asking was a nervous habit that was oddly familiar, and urged you to say yes. you also thought it was strange how even though he didn’t ask for your address, he somehow knew where he was taking you. then again, he was spider-man. it was his job to know new york city and the people living in it.

you came to the conclusion you were making things up until he was about to leave. he walked you to the door of your apartment building and said, “stay safe, squirt.” nobody called you that besides peter. he came up with it because he had recently grown a few inches taller and could finally give you hell for being the short one.

needless to say, peter didn’t take off like he was intending to. he realized his slip up as soon as the nickname came out of his mouth. you brought him upstairs and had a long afternoon of questioning, explanations, and making promises.

peter typed out a message telling you he was fine and to go to sleep. as he was about to hit send, he swung too low and smacked his head right into a traffic light. that was what he got for texting while swinging. he could imagine mj giving him one of her famous safety lectures already, but that wasn’t first on his list of worries. he had a throbbing head and may’s third strike to deal with.

crap, may couldn’t know about this. she’d ban him from patrolling probably forever. going home was out of the question, but peter was in desperate need of an ice pack. there was already a bump forming from where the light hit him. his next choice would be to go to happy, only he couldn’t do that because he‘d tell may.

peter’s hands worked faster than his brain, and he started swinging over to your apartment. the overthinking began soon after. nobody wants to deal with a surprise appearance from their possibly concussed friend at 2 a.m. besides, what would he say? he’d barely seen you all week. it wasn’t fair to you, but it was too late to turn back.

peter landed on the sidewalk with an “oof” and crawled up the wall of your building. when he reached your window, he knocked in the same rhythm that he always did. no answer. he knocked louder. no answer again.

seeing as he had no other option, peter had to let himself in. he pushed on your window to see if it was unlocked. thank god it slid up then, but he made a mental note to remind you about keeping it locked another time. he climbed through the window with as little noise as possible so your family wouldn’t hear.

after navigating in the dark, peter pulled off his mask by the side of your bed. he instantly melted at the sight of you. your face was squished into your pillow, hair sprawled everywhere. you’d must have fallen asleep waiting for his text because you were holding your phone. peter was sure he’d never seen something so adorable.

he let himself stand there and watch the peaceful rise and fall of your chest. the bump on his head was no longer a priority. peter was utterly and completely entranced with you. god, why was he acting like this? oh, right. he was secretly in love with you.

before peter could help himself, he brushed some hair that had fallen into your eyes away with his fingers. you squirmed in your sleep, peter pulling his hand back. he was such an idiot sometimes. your eyes fluttered open and landed on him.

“peter? ‘s that you?” you squinted to see in the darkness of your room. he moved closer. your legs dangled over the bed as you slowly sat up. “yeah, it’s me. sorry to wake you.” he went to scratch his head out of nerves, but stopped when he remembered it really freaking hurt right there.

“‘s okay. i was hoping you’d come over soon. missed you all week.” you frowned at the red and blue clad boy in front of you. except for school, you hadn’t seen peter the past few days. “lots of crime to fight lately?” “missed you more, and yeah. been kicking lots of asses.” the awkwardness peter was imaging faded away when he plopped down next to you on your bed.

“how’s your eye doing? and the limp?” you turned his head towards you by his chin. he exhaled in relief. “getting better, i think. now that we’re talking about injuries...” the sleepiness was knocked out of you. you all but leapt to your feet and turned on the lamp by your bed. peter had a feeling you’d slightly freak.

“we’ve been making small talk and you’re hurt? what happened, peter?” “i-i sort of, um, i was texting you and swung into a traffic light.” “oh my god, where?” he pointed at his forehead with a weak smile. surely enough, there was a big bump. you gasped. “please don’t be mad at me.” “i’m not mad at you. just feel bad it was kinda my fault. do you think you have a concussion?”

you weren’t sure what to do beyond the mostly useless first aid videos they played in gym class. being an avenger, peter had had his share of experience with wounds. whenever he came to you hurt, he talked you through how to help him. the most you’d ever dealt with was a few particularly deep cuts. this was not the same.

“i‘m not sure. you could try that finger thing?” he suggested. you crouched down in front of him. “good idea. let’s do that.” as you waved your index finger back and forth and peter’s eyes followed it seemingly well, his mind was elsewhere. he was thinking about crawling into bed with you and sleeping in your arms.

“well, you passed or whatever they say. i’m pretty sure you don’t have a concussion. you’ll heal fast because of... you know.” you stood up and mimicked the way he shoots his webs. peter chuckled quietly. your thumb ran lightly over his bump, making him wince. “how bad does it feel?” “on a scale from one to ten it’s, like, a five and a half.”

although not what you wanted to hear, it was manageable. you hoped so, at least. “i’m gonna go get some stuff. change into comfortable clothes.” “yes, doctor y/n.” peter saluted you. you were happy to see he still felt up to joking around. biting your lip to hold back a smile, you made your way to the kitchen.

peter searched through the spare clothes he’d left here over the years. there were so many, you had to give him a drawer. he changed into pajama pants and a t-shirt, then sat back down criss cross on your bed.

you came in shortly after with a water bottle, two advil, and an ice pack wrapped in a towel. “i was kidding about the whole doctor thing, you know.” “too bad.” you handed him the advil and water. “take these. they’ll help until your magic healing powers kick in.” peter took the pills while you pressed the ice pack to his bump. he took it from you when he was finished.

“is that any better?” “much better. i’m all good. i should probably go soon.” he mumbled, not meaning it but also not wanting to overstay his welcome. you’d already done so much for him. you stopped him from getting up by putting a hand on his chest.

“what? you already changed, and i’m not sending you home to get killed by may. just stay.” “are you sure? i don’t wanna bother you anymore. it was annoying for me to come here so late in the first place.”

a frown set on your face. “peter, don’t you remember my promise?” there was a beat of silence while he thought about it. “that you’d help out with spidey stuff?” “however and whenever i can. i don’t know what made you think differently just now, but nothing’s gonna change that. doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of the night or early in the morning. i’m always here.”

only you could reassure him just like that. peter was really lucky to have you. really, really lucky.

“right. you’re right. sorry for... whatever that was.” “you apologize too much.” you poked his chest to punctuate your statement and switched the light off. “sorry for that, too,” he teased, wanting a reaction from you. “peter benjamin parker, just get in the bed.” “yes, ma’am.” that was enough before you changed your mind and threw him out.

you rolled to lay on the other side of peter. still pressing the ice pack to his head, he laid down next to you. it didn’t take long for both of you to be settled under the covers. “try not to bang into the wall or something,” you joked and pulled your comforter up to your chin.

peter puffed some air out of his cheeks, tugging more of it back. “you can’t be mean and hog the blanket.” “it’s my bed, so i actually can. i’ll hog everything.”

to prove your point, you moved over to peter until there was no room between you. both of you knew it was an excuse to cuddle. he wasn’t mad about it at all. peter opened an arm for you. you curled into his side, letting him hold you close. his whole body relaxed as you hugged him against you. “goodnight, spidey.” “night, squirt.”

♡ 3.

“what does that cloud look like to you?” you pointed up at the sky. peter’s eyes darted around as he tried to find exactly which one you were talking about. there were a lot of them, in his defense. you made a big circle with your finger around the cloud in question.

“the really curvy one. right there.” “kinda looks like a tiger. can we keep walking now?” peter tugged your arm linked in his in an attempt to move you from the spot you’d randomly stopped in. he made a whiny noise when you didn’t budge.

“i think it looks more like a horse, and no. why are you in such a rush?” furrowing your brows at him, you tightened your grip on his arm. “because some people don’t like cloud watching, grandma.” “i only asked you about one! i’m just... trying to get the most out of today.”

with college around the corner, you and peter both had a lot to do and a little bit of time to get it done. your only hangouts had become some shared extracurriculars and weekly study group with your other friends. trying to binge watch your shows together on facetime hadn’t been easy, for one thing. you fumbled to keep your phone up more than you payed attention.

on a more serious note, being apart sucked majorly. it was going to be this times a million when you would inevitably have to split up in a few months. thinking about it for too long usually made you cry.

peter was struggling in other ways. his more than a friend feelings for you were only getting stronger. having all that love and not being able to give it to you was hurting like hell, and he had to just pack everything up and act normal during the rare moments you were together. you were both going through it.

this was the first sunday in what felt like forever that you and peter were both free. you decided that the nice weather called for a meetup at central park. so, there you were, arm in arm on your afternoon stroll.

“don’t say it like that, y/n. you’re making me sad.” peter let out a breath as you rested your head on his shoulder. “that was the point.” you started walking again, peter following next to you. he kicked at pebbles while you smiled up at him. that made him smile at his feet. you were getting really good at making him flustered.

“so, did you finish that pre calc packet?” peter asked to distract himself. you lifted your head off his shoulder with a groan. “peter, we’re not talking about school for once. let’s talk about literally anything else.” “like what?” you were about to make a suggestion, but something caught your attention.

you raced over to a swingset, dragging peter along with you before he could realize where you were taking him. you stopped in front of it and threw your hands up to present it to him. he let out a breathy laugh. “when was the last time you went on one of these?” you asked, taking peter’s arm again. peter shook his head. “way too long ago.”

with a smile, you walked him over and took a seat on one of the swings. peter sat on the one next to you. you spun around in a circle to see how much you could twist the chains, peter laughing. “y/n, what are you doing?” “having fun. you should try it sometime.” he backed up to get himself started and grabbed his own chains. “i do have fun. it’s just not in the ways you think.”

you untwisted yourself to watch peter. “so, how?” “well,” he started going higher, “i like learning about stuff, even the things we have to in school.” “everybody knows that. that’s the first thing i thought of.” you did know everything possible about him.

everything except his new feelings for you, but this wasn’t the time for him to blurt that out. he was still figuring out when or if he should.

“guess i’m not gonna say i like movies, either.” “singing?” you were swinging next to him, turning it into an unspoken competiton for who could get the highest. peter slowed down a bit since he’d had a head start. “i suck. the only person who’s allowed to hear me is you.”

“it’s possible to suck at something and still enjoy it.” the breeze blew your hair around, peter seeing it from the corner of his eye. he’d always loved how carefree you were around him. it rubbed off.

“remind me to force you to do karaoke one day.” “you’re so annoying.” that motivated you to kick off harder on the ground. peter huffed and tried to catch up to you. “don’t be mean to your only source of fun.” if that wasn’t true, he would’ve came up with a comeback.

the only time peter remembered to relax was when he was with you. it was usually because you reminded him. he skidded to a stop on the swing and looked up at you.

“why’d you let me win? was that too mean?” you looked over your shoulder. “nah, i just got tired.” “oh. we can do something else now. catch me?” “sure,” peter chuckled and got off the swing. he stood in front of you on the grass and waited for you to get lower. you clenched your teeth into a nervous smile.

“ready?” “ready.” swinging towards him, you jumped off and expected to land in his arms. you ended up completely on top of him instead.

the wind was knocked out of both of you, but peter had it worse because he broke your fall. your hands were on his shoulders and one of his was around your lower back. neither of you realized the position you were in. you were too busy trying to breathe again.

“god, that hurt.” “my bad,” peter mumbled. in any other circumstance, he wouldn’t be complaining about this. “i should’ve warned you or something,” you dismissed him.

you were still hovering over peter, your lips dangerously close to his. he could’ve sworn they almost touched. that was when you got off of him. he only forced out a laugh. nothing ever went his way. you offered him a hand, oblivious to his inner conflict. peter took it and pulled himself up, falling into step next to you as you headed to another path.

that could’ve been a chance to make some sort of move, and he blew it.

♡ 4.

it hadn’t been easy for peter to move on from that day. his mind kept replaying the split second you almost kissed on an endless loop, and all he could do was come up with what he should’ve done in the moment.

things were getting to a point where he had no clue how to act around you. being your friend was hard, but becoming your boyfriend would be that much harder. his stupid feelings put him in an awkward place, and he was afraid you were starting to realize. he couldn’t lose you altogether.

you asked peter to meet you for coffee after school. it was this small place in between your apartments you’d both been to once before. they had really good cookies and an overall cozy feeling you liked. peter wasn’t sure what this was all about.

were you going to confront him? did ned say something? maybe it was a mistake to confide in his most gossipy friend about how he felt.

with a headache from stress and a heavy backpack hanging off his shoulders, peter walked into the café. he spotted you at a table near the window. you’d already taken the liberty of ordering, two drinks and a chocolate chip cookie waiting there. you looked up from your phone when peter pulled a chair out.

“hi.” you gave him a small smile and put your phone down. “i already got everything.” peter shrugged off his backpack with a grin. he sat down facing you. “thanks. sorry i’m kinda late. i had to stop at my locker.” you usually met him there. come to think of it, why hadn’t you today? you pushed peter’s drink over to him. “you’re fine. i came here early to get us a table, anyway.” phew.

peter bent the straw to his iced macchiato and took a sip. it made him feel grown up, casually drinking coffee with you over a boring conversation. adult life must’ve sucked. “so, how was the rest of your day?” he asked to fill the silence. you only had two classes without him after lunch, so that was a dumb question. he’d never had so much trouble talking to you.

“eh. betty fell asleep on me during this cold war documentary we had to watch.” “didn’t she say american history is her favorite?” you broke off a piece of the cookie with a laugh. “not after that. what about your day?” the light from the window was shining directly on you, blocking out everything else from peter’s view. he wanted to tell you how beautiful you were so bad, but that would be creepy.

you took a bite of your cookie and raised an eyebrow. he was staring. “uh, nothing interesting. i’m gonna patrol a little bit later.” peter sipped his drink again. you clicked your tongue and let out a breath. “that’s all you do these days.” he knew you were catching on to how off he’d been. what was he supposed to say? it would’ve helped if he’d prepared a few excuses.

“just trying to help out while i’m still here.” that was a half truth. “yeah, but you should still take some time for yourself.” you ripped open your straw wrapper and blew it at peter. he caught it just before it hit his face. rolling your eyes, you put the straw into your drink. “i hate your reflexes sometimes.” he shrugged one of his shoulders casually. “jealousy is a disease.”

neither of you said anything for a few minutes. you stared out the window while peter finished the rest of the cookie. he could tell something was on your mind. whenever you were deep in your thoughts, you sort of zoned out like this.

he was too nervous to ask you what was wrong because of the conversation you just had. it sounded like you had already considered he was being distant before today. his feelings aside, he needed to reassure you. that was more important.

“y/n?” you turned your head to look at him. “yeah?” peter’s gaze shifted from you to his thumbs twiddling in his lap. “i know we’ve both been really... busy lately, but i’m still here. don’t forget that.” a hint of a smile played on your lips. you would’ve hugged him if you could reach. “thank you, peter. i kinda needed to hear that.” he nudged your leg under the table. “of course. hey, you wanna come with me tonight?”

a couple of hours later, you were in peter’s arms on a rooftop that was much higher up than it looked. he insisted on taking you for a swing so you could get the full experience. he’d been trying to get you to do this for the longest time, so he wondered what made you agree today. you wanted to find out what was so enjoyable about it.

“i trust you, but you’re not gonna drop me, right?” your legs were around his waist, and he had one hand supporting you by your back. that wasn’t terrifying at all. you grabbed peter’s shoulders, the idea of it making you nervous. he wrapped his arm tighter around you.

“oh my god, no. i can always web you back up.” “peter! that’s not funny.” even behind the mask, you could tell he was smirking. “you’re always safe with me, squirt. don’t worry.” you brought your arms up to loop around his neck.

“i feel better now.” “good. i’m gonna jump when we get to the edge, okay?“ your whole body stiffened up. peter could sense it. as excited as he was to share this with you, he didn’t want to make you feel pressured. “or we don’t have to do it.” his voice was quiet. you tried to relax in his hold. “i’m just gonna close my eyes. i think that’ll help.” “we’re about to find out.”

peter started walking towards the edge of the building with you holding on even tighter to him, your eyes squeezed shut. he kept finding himself in situations where he was close to you in the ways he’d been wishing for, but never for the same reasons. it was bittersweet.

he bit down on his lip and aimed his free hand at a building. you squealed when he leaned back. “i’m jumping now,” he prepared you, and before you could respond, you were in the air. you hid your face in peter’s chest the second you felt yourself pretty much flying.

“what the fuck, you like this?” you had to yell so he could hear you. peter shot another web to keep swinging. “it’s really not that bad! try looking up!” he shouted back, clearly amused.

grip tightening around his neck, you slowly pulled your face away from him. he kept you close as he swung. you somehow convinced yourself you weren’t going to die by looking at something besides peter. your eyes landed on the sky behind his head.

the sun was almost completely set, deep pink and orange merging together against the glowing lights of the city. you were finally understanding why he liked this so much. it was beautiful.

peter peeked at you for a second to check on you. he swore his heart was going to explode out of his chest. the look of adoration on your face, it was even better than the view. it was the view. the little moments where peter got to see you this way made him realize how in love with you he really was.

“this is... wow. i get it now,” you laughed in disbelief, watching as the city whirled past you. peter smiled so big it hurt. “pretty awesome, huh?” one of your hands slid back down to his shoulder. “take me with you more often.”

♡ 5.

peter licked his lips out of habit as he held the door open for may, who was following behind him with a look of pride. he was about to graduate high school. the ceremony was being held in a really nice stadium-like place. trying to find it added minutes on to the parker tradition of being late to everything important.

peter wasn’t as concerned with his tardiness as he was with finding you.

while he tossed and turned in bed the night before, he went over his whole school year in his head. that meant little things and big things. he was starting to drift off until he remembered a conversation with ned a few weeks back. they decided on a deadline for peter to tell you about his feelings, and it was before graduation.

they chose it because if peter got rejected, he’d be over it by the time college started. that was the goal.

it wasn’t that peter had changed his mind. it was that he completely forgot. he didn’t have a solid plan for what he should do. these things needed to be decided way in advance. he ended up pulling something together last minute because it was you. plus, this extra pressure gave him the push to go through with it. somewhere between steps seven and eight, he passed out.

may rushed him to get ready because he’d slept past his alarm. the whole morning was a mess, and he had at most fifteen minutes to confess his love to you by the time he got there.

“you should go make sure you’re marked here. i’ll see you after. love you.” may pressed a kiss to his cheek and half-jogged to the auditorium for a seat. he squeezed her arm and headed off to check in. your whole grade was already lined up along the walls for what looked like miles. the deal was to tell you before graduation. he still had about ten minutes.

peter walked past hundreds of students with his heartbeat thumping in his ears. everyone was in alphabetical order, so it didn’t take too long to find you. relief washed over you when you saw peter. you were worried he wouldn’t show up at all. his cap was in his hand, hair getting tangled from running his fingers through it. he looked at you with pleading eyes.

“finally, i’ve been trying to call you all morning. where were you?” your tone was dripping with concern. “i overslept. there’s something i gotta tell you, y/n.” he gulped. you smiled in a way that was kind of pitying. “we’re about to start going inside. i- you have to wait, pete. go get lined up.”

this wasn’t how it was going to end. not again.

he looked around to see who was watching, then he grabbed your wrist. “peter, what are you-“ “just come with me really quick.” despite yourself, you let him lead you down the hallway. you dodged a couple of teachers having a conversation and went into a bathroom that was vacant by some chance. he let go of you after the door shut. you stood behind it while he walked over to a sink.

it was making you anxious to not be out there. you could be late. peter was the same way when it came to school, so you knew this had to be pretty serious. you gave up the battle with yourself and made your way over to him. he was looking at himself in the mirror, trying to get a stray curl back in place.

“let me help.” you stood next to him. he turned to face you, that same look of urgency still in his eyes. you used two fingers to brush through his hair. there was so much gel that it was wet enough to mess with. you smiled a bit and took your hand out of his hair. his hand was gripping the sink.

“you look good, pete. you smell good, too.” “so do you.” his voice was lower than usual. you flattened out the material of your blue gown. “thanks. so, talk to me. what’s up?”

the question was so simple, but way too many answers were running through peter’s brain. he wasn’t even sure he’d have enough time to explain everything now. this was why he needed a written out and carefully crafted plan.

but, like he said to himself last night, this was you. his best friend in the entire world and any other that might exist. the person who’s been there for his most embarrassing moments, and who’s been responsible for some of his best ones. if he couldn’t finally say the three words he’d said to you so many times before, what was the point?

his fingers drummed a steady rhythm while he mustered up the last remaining bit of courage in him. you watched him expectantly, waiting for him to say something. “just, um...” he was stalling. he pulled his hand off the sink. “i... love you.” peter only glanced at you for a second, too afraid to see your reaction. “i love you, too. is everything okay?” his heart sank. you thought he meant it in the friend way.

that was what he got for being so terrible with words.

“no, y/n. not like that.” he blurted. you were lost. peter pressed his back against the wall and sat down. confused and equally worried, you sat next to him on the floor. “then what do you mean? you’re scaring me.” he checked the watch may made him wear to see how much time was left before graduation. four minutes. he really should’ve woken up on time.

“we have to get back in line soon. i don’t wanna miss-“ “i love you, y/n. i’m in love with you.” a weight that had been on peter’s chest for months was lifted just by saying it. you squinted your eyes at him, but said nothing.

“i’ve been trying to tell you for a while, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. i just had to say it.” “fuck, are you serious?” you sounded what peter could only describe as disappointed. yeah, it was unrequited. here came a summer of crying. “i was gonna tell you first.”

peter’s breath hitched in his throat, and he swore you could hear it. he was so sleep deprived that it felt like he was hallucinating. you shook your head as heat came to your cheeks.

“how long have you...” peter trailed off, an eye crinkling smile interrupting him. “that day we went for coffee. something clicked, so i thought for a while and figured it out. i think i’ve loved you for a really long time.”

you inched closer to peter, just barely resting your head on his shoulder. for once, you felt like the shy one. he put his hand on top of yours. his thumb traced over each of your fingers. “i’d ask you out, but you know. we don’t really have time.”

“peter, it won’t take that long.” you giggled. he squeezed your hand in his. “hm. y/n, would you wanna go out with me after this?” you thought about teasing him for it, but he was right. you had to go. that was the friend still in you. “i’d love to go out with you, peter.”

with that, you both jumped to your feet and ran out of the bathroom. you were still holding hands, and a few classmates made faces when you rushed past them to get to your spots. you exchanged one last smile with peter before lining up.

the person in front of you said everybody was looking for you two. honestly, you didn’t care all that much. you were too excited for your date later. peter already knew he’d be checking his watch throughout the whole ceremony.

it was a best friend and soulmate thing.

[opes-magnas]

those two days.

A wise man once said, ”The bad news is, nothing lasts forever and the good news is, nothing lasts forever.”

That’s freaking bullshit. Whoever told that hasn’t gone through the amount of trauma I’ve been through, which made every single moment feel like an eternity. Oh wait! I should’ve explained it more graphically.

Every single second felt like I was being skinned alive and being rolled over in salt and then fried in burning hot oil, then my limbs being torn out of my body and I could probably go on forever. In short, my time as a mortal on this planet has been miserable.

My mother and father were the epitome of love, they were the ideal couple who fell in love as soon they laid eyes on each other and the middle of their story is so cliché I’d rather let you imagine it in the most typical way possible and the end of it is, they got married!

They sadly never had their happily ever after cause they then got pregnant with me.

(After 9 months of my mother craving weird things)

He kept pacing the length of the waiting room, anxious, his face was dripping with perspiration and his brows were knitted in deep thought, his hands were clasping and unclasping and fidgeting with his jacket.

* Piano playing a sad note*

He hears the OR doors opening and rushes towards the doctor and shakes that poor guy until he’s pale. The doctor says that there were a lot of complications with his wife’s pregnancy and that they could save only one of them, and his wife told them to save his child and that he now has a healthy 4.5 pound baby boy.

He fell to the ground. How could he even live without his beloved wife! His moon and stars, his better half! He felt so utterly devastated.

Sometimes when people lose the very thing that defines their life, the very thing that they lived and breathed for, they lose faith and when that happens there is no coming back.

I think this was that moment for my father. I’ve always wondered how anyone could love anything so intensely. But I guess love is a very elusive thing which sadly won’t fit into the bounds of words.

I can try to make sense of though, from what I’ve seen, love is when my father returned home after a tired day of work and as soon as he saw the face that opened the door, he could find calmness in spite of all the chaos surrounding him. One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I couldn’t see and feel that pure unconditional love.

Anyways, in my bittersweet flashback my father also gets to know that it was my mother’s intentional decision to give her life in order to save mine.

So, from that day my father loathed to see my face. As every time he looked at me, I reminded him of the day he lost the purpose of his life. He became an alcoholic and just gave me money to do whatever the hell I want with it.

I never actually went to school regularly, used to bunk most of the time. But that didn’t matter because I passed somehow by cheating and my street smartness. But, it really hit me when I flunked my senior year and all of my friends went to Ivy League colleges, while I was left to attend my dreadful senior year AGAIN with a bunch of crackpots.

Though, that wasn’t the part that made me lose my sense of self- dignity. It was when the look of nonchalance on my father’s face when he heard the former news. Even this far in life I didn’t have goal or any plans to look forward to. This part kept me most of the nights and stole any little peace of mind I had left.

Then I attended community college in hopes of at least getting proper education. In college, I couldn’t stick to any one major for a year as I was pretty fickle minded about it.

One sunny happy day, birds are chirping, I’m braying Beyoncé’s halo and enter the college premises to see this guy snogging my girlfriend. My fury knows no bounds as I beat the shit out of him then I get to know that my girlfriend had been cheating on me with him for many months. But, it was too late to reconsider my actions as I had probably broken 50 of his bones oops!

Then I got slapped an assault case and got expelled from college for disgracing them. This particular joke that I’m about to say is a big touché moment but humour at my expense has been a trend I’ve experienced everywhere so hell with it.

I got expelled from a freaking community college with drug addicts, goons, people who have flunked their freshman year about 3 times go to. And I have been expelled from such a college for “disgracing them”!!!

Go on laugh yourself out.

But a tiny ray of hope appeared after a jumbo combo of disappointment with a side of bad luck and a dollop of ugly fate. I was discovered by the basketball scouts and got a chance to play in the local league and if I did play well, I had a chance of playing ball in college! They absolutely loved me. I had gotten so used to people being disappointed in me that I was so unsure of myself when people really appreciated me.

But as you know of my series fuck ups I had to screw this one too. But, this one was the most epic of them all. I had a few shots in before the game just to you know, bring that edge.

During the game, when I was passed the ball, my drunken brain thought it was the head of my ex-girlfriend and I started smashing the ball against my head (which my brain thinks as a pathetic attempt of kissing “her” or rather “it”). So, at the end, everyone thought I was some lunatic and I got kicked off the field (literally).

I finally let go of all the little self-respect I had and applied for a job as a cashier at McDonalds. And the reply from them was the single most embarrassing moment of my life.

I got rejected!

Then I heard a call saying that my grandpa had died but he had also left me the family mansion, which I assume is out of pity for being ignored for most of my life. This was just in time (not my grandpa’s death of course! Gee I’m not so devoid of emotion!) as I was being kicked out of my apartment due to not paying rent for past 3 months and needed a place to crash.

But, aside from that I was a 23 year old man with no job, no girlfriend, and no degrees to show for, no friends and absolutely broke. I should be the poster boy for the word “miserable” (at least that way I’ll make some profit out of my pathetic existence of a life).

The mansion looks absolutely beautiful from outside. It has a huge dome at the centre with 2 parapets flanking its either sides. The entire dome is made of tinted blue glass which makes it look like it’s a part of the sky but a glistening one filled with hand painted butterflies, hummingbirds, Macau’s and various other exotic species of birds.

The front lawn is as exorbitant as a rare and secret meadow left untouched by mankind, where the flowers unknown grow at their own liberty, unrestricted where bees hover over them making a slight buzzing sound . The whole estate looks so unreal and glorious, it is like a medieval castle left untouched.

But, all I could feel by looking at it was dejection. I felt even this wonderful piece of architecture was looming over and looking at me in pity. I sighed heavily and gathered my meagre possessions and stepped inside.

It was even more splendid from the inside. I don’t know what I’ll do with so much space, I could fit all of my things in the pantry closet! I just lay down on the plush divan to take a small nap because thinking about my wretched life made my mind blackout and heavy like I’d had a few too many tequila shots.

“Poor boy, how can anyone’s life be so tragic and pitiable!?” said pride, wiping off the tears rolling down its cheek, “I know what a troubled childhood feels like, even my mother was too haughty to admit that she had become too fat because of giving birth to me and she never looked at me with a hint of motherly affection, it totally damaged my self-confidence.”

“As if you ever had it to begin with! You appeared to be so full of yourself in front of people but deep down you’re a pathetic little wimp!”

“Stop it envy! See, you made him cry, aren’t you living up to your name! Always jealous of others! I know it’s like we can invade his privacy, by taking a peek at his thoughts, but this boy can’t even defend himself. He doesn’t get angry at all when people talk all sorts of things about him! How can he even live with himself!”

“Now now, anger you don’t upset yourself too much, your BP is gonna skyrocket. All this boy needs to do is to get laid man! He so uptight, he needs to loosen up a little and take a chill pill.”

“I totally agree with you, said Sloth, he needs to take some time out for himself and have a little self’-introspective nap once in a while right, Glutton?”

“All you ever do is take naps! And anyways he needs to round up and appear fuller, he’s such a scrawny kid! Eat more spaghetti and meatballs!”

“You’re awfully quiet Greed, speak up man this isn’t like you! You’re always complaining that you don’t as much time to speak”.

“Yeah dude, it’s just I’ve never seen any man not having even basic survivalist desires. We gotta help this fella.”

“Okay then roll up your sleeves gentlemen and ugh *cough* cough* sorry woman, we got some work to do!”

I opened my eyes and nearly peed myself in the pants, in front of me were six men and woman, I screamed like a cat dunked in a bucket of water!

“Hey Yo mate, chill down, we’re just here to help”, said a boy who was in his teens clearly by the amount of acne on his face and the ripped jeans and hoodie he wore further justified my guess, he wore a badge called “sloth”

What a weird name, I thought. Who would like to be named after the sloth bear!

“Yo, for the fact the sloth bear was named after me!”

“Now, sloth you need to follow your own words, the boy must be scared shitless. By the way, I’m Greed, nice to meet you too and that rude fellow was Sloth.”, spoke a middle aged man with a rather baggy shirt and tight jeans.

“Guys let’s introduce ourselves to make it easier for him. Hello young fellow, I’m Glutton!”, said a shirtless man whose abs glistened with sweat as though he’d come from a workout.

“Hello kitten, I’m Anger.”, said a strikingly beautiful woman with a purple dress synched at the waist with a Gucci belt and black stilettos.

“Greetings from the better part of hell dear, I’m Envy.”, said a man with a formal attire and red horn-rimmed glasses.

“Morning, I’m Pride.”, said a tall man wearing an expensive Armani suit, reebok sunglasses and slick blonde hair.

“Hi, I’m Lust.” ,he whispered, God he must be the male-version of Aphrodite! He was enough to turn a straight man like me, gay.

(I gave such detailed description of them, as they keep recurring and I wanted you guys to see them exactly like I did.)

“Umm. Hi, I’m max I guess.”, I blurted.

“God! We need to work on your self-confidence boy! Okay I’ll tell you why we’re here. While you were napping, we looked into your past and thought you might need a little boost to help you live a better life. So, each of us will help you in their own area of expertise and ooh! I almost forgot we are here only for two days, so buckle up!”

Have become schizophrenic?! I am hearing voices in my head!

“Relax honey, we are visible and audible only to you.”, Anger said.

“Humph okay, what should I do to get rid of you lot?”

Quit the sarcasm brother, first we need to get a good workout. Come on move your ass, and Glutton then pulled me away for what seemed like forever and made me workout like hell. The workout was so intense, I was so sore I couldn’t move a muscle and every time I got up my butt ached.

But, when I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe my eyes, my body looked like it was photo shopped! Six pack abs, killer thighs, amazing collar bone and to top it off a chiseled jaw! I looked like a Greek God!

Then, without wasting a minute, Sloth whisked me into the kitchen which was filled with amazing food and magazines. He told me, “You know what mate, you need to take some time out for yourself and make yourself happy once in a while.”

I never forgot those words.

I ate to my stomach’s fill, of course only healthy foods allowed (Glutton approved- check). Then my slot was with Anger.

We took a walk and were talking everyday stuff when she pulled me into a McDonald’s. I resisted as I had just eaten the feast of my life, but she insisted and made me sit down in a booth.

“Sometimes anger in the right direction is okay.”

Then a waiter came and asked for our order, before we could even blink an eye, he started bellowing out like a cow belching and started telling people that I was the specimen of a man who got rejected even from a McDonald’s job and thought a ball was his ex-girlfriend!

People around me started taking selfies and snaps of me and posting it on social media.

Anger whispered, “You need to defend your honour, sugar. No one is going to do it for you.”

I mustered all the courage I had left in me and punched that guy in his face. I pulled Anger away and we made for the run.

After the running all the way to house, I told her, “I never felt so exhilarated and satisfied in my entire life!”

“But, remember kitten, anger only in the right direction and for the right cause, like you defending your honour for example.”

Will remember, Ms. Anger.

Then Pride and Greed approached me together and took me into my room and gave my laptop.

“Listen son, you are quite capable and intelligent, all you need is to believe in yourself a little more and go after the things you want.” , Pride said. “So you need to write an essay to get into Ivy League colleges with full scholarship, so begin writing.”

I bit my lip. Just believe in yourself.

Then I wrote my essay by pulling an all-nighter and submitted it.

I could feel someone shaking me hardly, I rubbed my eyes and opened them reluctantly only to see Greed pulling off my blankets and telling me to get ready for a small basketball session.

We then drove over to the Baltimore city gym, I then realized he had brought me to the basketball try-outs for the city’s team!

Believe in yourself.

After almost half a day, we returned home then Lust dragged me into various clothing stores and dressed me up and told me to remember one girl who had impacted me the most.

Then, I thought how I could miss the one girl who stood with me through thick and thin! She never doubted me! Suddenly I could remember all the subtle hints she gave throughout the time we were friends, and I, a fool, never paid her enough attention, trying to go after girls who were popular!

Oh Sarah! Then I saw the smirk on Lust’s face and knew he was the one who helped me clear my thoughts.

He murmured, “Go! You moron.”

I rushed to my car and drove to Sarah’s house and almost punched a hole into her front door trying to knock.

The door opened, and when I saw her face, I found calm in midst of all chaos of my mind, guess I finally got to see the true love I always yearned for.

I gave her my true confession with gulps in between.

She told, “I thought you’d never realize.”

I pulled her waist close to me, and whispered in her ear, “Better late than never” and tucked the hair on her cheek behind her ear and kissed her like I’d never see her again.

Well, two days passed within a blink of an eye, and yet I have changed so much, grown into a better man. Oh! Only Envy hadn’t had his chance to speak to me.

I then told Sarah I’d see her tomorrow and drove back to the house to see all of them standing on my front porch. I got down and t and went and hugged each one knowing it was time to say our goodbyes.

Envy stepped forward, “Max, we always knew you were a special young man, but always remember that when you succeed, there are always gonna be people who will envy you and try to bring you down, you have to then remember how hard you worked to get there and say, fuck you assholes and stay put.”

“I love you guys; do you have to go?”

“Yes child, but we will be watching you, okay?”

Goodbye.

When I was going to unlock the front door, I saw my reflection on the glass, and I then I realized that I was always like this, but I never saw myself for what I really am.

I measured my life by milestones and achievements all along, never realizing those small moments where I was the best possible version of myself.

I guess, the old wise man was correct.

Epilogue – After a year

I am so busy right now, I don’t even have the time to write this, but I know you guys I are curious of what happened after that.

I got selected to play college ball for Princeton University with a full scholarship. Sarah and I are in a very serious relationship and we are thinking of getting married after college, oh and by the way, she also got accepted to Princeton.

I also work as a part time model for Vogue (who knew!) I think I may be playing for the NBA next year.

And I made things right with my father and actually forgave him of all his shortcomings.

I am so grateful and happy for those two days last year, though I still think my mind is playing tricks with me as I went back the McDonald’s store and asked the guy whom I punched if he remembered me and he gave this weird look .

Anyways, you guys might have thought I have finally achieved something, but I think otherwise. I am still so very insecure about myself in a thousand different ways. But when I wake up in the morning, I am so grateful for being given this life in contrast to before when I used to wonder my purpose.

~ Lady Lazarus

[danishprince]

redid this 92 questions meme from 4 years ago for Fun and Profit because i like seeing how much i’ve changed over the years. not tagging anyone, but if you want to answer the questions, go wild

what was your…

last beverage? woter

last phone call? a confidential call to a research lab at my university because they’re studying alcohol use in young adults and wanted to know if i fit the criteria to be in the study (i do, so i get money for it fuck yeah)

last text message? i told my dad that our neighbors got two of their trees cut down and his response was “Wwwow”

last song listened to? currently listening to “evening prayer aka justice” by ezra furman!

last time you cried? maybe like saturday or sunday? not really sure

have you ever…

dated someone twice? nah

been cheated on? don’t believe so

kissed someone and regretted it? eh i’ve had a few kisses that i look back and kinda cringe at because we were really drunk or i was Not Into Them or whatever, but actually, truly regret? no. 

lost someone special? it’s been awhile since anyone close to me died. my maternal grandma (and step-grandpa) are getting pretty old/less healthy though so i’m like starting to already feel weird snatches of anticipatory grief for that which :/

been depressed? i’d say so yeah, on occasion

been drunk and vomited? fun story i briefly thought i was allergic to alcohol freshman year because i’d throw up every time i drank. TURNS OUT however i just was a dumbass who didn’t know how to hold their liquor

list three favourite colors: hot pink, teal, black

in the last year, have you…

made a new friend? yes indeed

fallen out of love? cannot say that i have

laughed so hard there were tears? oh constantly. though i do that regularly because of the dumbest shit, so that’s not, like, an anomaly

met someone who changed you? YES the professor of my psych lab whom i ADORE

found out who your true friends are? yeah, or at least i feel way more comfortable and grounded in my friendships than i did. which is cool!

found out someone was talking about you? i overheard my coworker at our (drama-filled, my god) orientation leader job bitching about some other coworkers, but then what she said about me was “yeah katie’s pretty cool” so i was like :) :) neat

kissed anyone on your facebook “friend list”? hell yeah babey

general questions.

how many of your facebook friends do you know in person? the vast majority. there’s a few Spelling Bee Kids who’ve just added me for Spelling Bee Clout that i don’t know irl, but otherwise i don’t really add people i don’t know

how many siblings do you have? 1 (one) 16-year-old bröther

do you have any pets? 1 (one) very old round guinea pig named hamlet

do you want to change your name? eh not really. i’m not, like, obsessed with it, but it’s a decent name and i have no urge to change it

what did you do for your last birthday? i turned 21, but it was a monday, so i went to a restaurant with three of my friends and ordered 1 (one) Alcoholic Beverage. then later that week i went to a coffee bar that serves alcohol later at night with some of my other friends and had more Alcoholic Beverages there

when did you wake up today? 9:30ish

what were you doing at midnight last night? being asleep lmao

something you cannot wait for: going to arizona and later going back to kentucky for senior year of college (holy fuck)

when did you last see your mother? like 15 minutes ago, she’s doing laundry or something

what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? where 2 begin. uhh i wish i was more naturally outgoing instead of having to consciously turn on my Extrovert Persona in certain scenarios and end up getting super drained from it. i also wish i knew what the fuck i was doing with my life but i think that’s just, like, The Eternal Twenty-Something Mood (at least i hope it is dear god)

what are you listening to right now? the song “rodeo” by lil nas x, which PERSONALLY said gay rights

have you ever talked to a person named tom? yes multiple, and every tom(my) i have hated (sorry if you’re a tom and you’re a decent human bean)

what’s getting on your nerves right now? i have to do a bunch of important life and school stuff but i am procrastinating it! so i guess...my brain

most visited webpages: twitter, tumblr, discord, instagram, the dear prudence advice column on slate dot com lmfao

blood type: o+ i believe, but i am too smol to donate blood so i do not know for sure :(

nicknames: some of my friends refer to me over text as k8e and i love it tbh. also katie itself is a nickname

relationship status: single but like, kind of a thot

zodiac sign: virgo sun cancer moon cancer rising 

pronoun: they/them but she/her is also fine

primary school: private lutheran school

middle school: the same private lutheran school

high school: public school

college: university of kentucky for undergrad and also a concurrent grad program (long story). maybe more grad school???? somewhere else??? or not???? I Don’t Know

hair colour: honey blonde

long or short: hair? just got it cut short in january and it was the best decision i ever made

height: 5’6"

do you have a crush on someone? define “crush”

what do you like about yourself? i’m a good listener and writer and also sometimes my Funney Joaks land

do you have any tattoos? nah. i am afear’d i’d regret it

are you right- or left-handed? right-handed

first surgery: some ear procedure thing in kindergarten. if that doesn’t count i got half my wisdom teeth out the summer before college and the other half the summer after freshman year (but was technically awake for both) 

first piercing: ear piercings when i turned sixteen

first best friend: uhhhhh my friend stephanie from home-preschool? or this girl named grace who was my kindergarten best friend but then moved away

first sport you joined: i believe dance classes when i was but a little peanut

first vacation: idk? we went to san diego when i was two i think? don’t remember it though

first pair of trainers/sneakers: good question. had some boss-ass light-up shoes once 

right now i am…

eating: popped corn

drinking: woter 

about to: hopefully write this [bernie sanders voice] damn email, but who is to say : - )

listening to: my liked songs on spotify (currently “i think i’m going to kill myself” by elton john)

interested in having children? if that’s how the proverbial cookie proverbially crumbles, yeah. that idea seems really far away even though i know high school classmates with kids.

interested in getting married? yes, but if and only if i meet the right person

ready for a career or have one? [sobbing]

which is better…?

lips or eyes? eyes generally, but lips are also Good

hugs or kisses? k i s s e s. i lov to kiss. love hugs too though if it’s with friends

shorter or taller? actually being a similar height to me is optimal! 

older or younger? mmm i tend to subconsciously lean older, but younger is fine too

romantic or spontaneous? the wording seems to imply that “romantic” and “spontaneous” are opposites which just isn’t true. both?? 

nice stomach or nice arms? arms i guess?

sensitive or loud? my first impulse was “loud” but like....loud in that i tend to gravitate to people who are more extroverted than me, but not in terms of being overtly annoying or demanding.

hook-up or relationship? :^) judging by my History(tm) it’d be committed hook-up, lol. but like either is good. am not about sex with a stranger though.

troublemaker or hesitant? troublemaker ~vibes~ but not actually, like, a danger in any way. being hesitant can be cute, but i myself am often pretty hesitant so it can become an Awkwardness Standoff more often than not

have you ever…

kissed a stranger? no, but came damn close in greece

drunk hard liquor? oh yeah lmao

lost glasses or contacts? i’m sure i’ve lost a pair of contacts somewhere in there

had sex on the first date? depends on your definition of “sex”, and also on your definition of “date” really, but also Yeah

broken someone’s heart? i hope not, but i think maybe :/

had your own heart broken? ....ish?

been arrested? nope

turned someone down? yyyyyyep

cried when someone died? not in my memory? though i might have

fallen for a friend? :^) haha oh yeah

do you believe in…

yourself? i try oh my god do i try

miracles? i think

love at first sight? nah. i think intrigue at first sight is a thing, or lust at first sight, or even just a bizarre extraterrestrial sense of Knowing, but real genuine love? nahhhh son you gotta know someone deeply for that. mortifying ordeal of being known and all that

heaven? mm yeah i’d say so

santa claus? no, and i haven’t for a hot minute there

kissing on the first date? lol yeah kiss away

angels? fuck yeah sometimes they’re circle things with 56879879677 eyes and they’re cool af

well in review i have indeed changed quite a bit from myself four years ago! in summary i am more of a thot and also drink alcohol. idk. my answers then ~seemed~ more sure of myself in terms of, like, this façade of being chill all the time, but less sure re: how i related to other people. all my angst on those questions was about school instead of general personhood. 4 years ago i also definitely /remember/ being insecure (at the time) about the fact that i’d never kissed anyone/etc., but my answers themselves don’t look that way. (sidenote being insecure about that kind of thing really isn’t worth it, everyone does life at their own pace.) whereas now i feel more open actively discussing my insecurities (see above re: future plans/etc.) instead of just boxing them down and pretending they don’t exist. as a high schooler i thought i was bad at being a person, and i feel like i’m a lot better at being authentic with myself (and ergo, being a person) now. though of course there is no right way to be a person which is something i still frequently have to remind myself.

ANYWAY yeah that was a fun waste of an hour feel free to use these questions for yrself

[vivacesole]

Dinner

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary: After recently joining the BAU you are invited to dinner at Rossi’s house with the rest of the team. While this time was used to bond with each other and wind down, someone lets their not-so-secret crush on you slip.

Warnings: A very flustered Spencer, and Morgan flirting

Word Count: 1.3K

Masterlist | Prompt List | Request

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"(Y/N)! Great, we were just getting ready to eat." Rossi answered the door and let you in.

"Hey! Thanks for inviting me." you smiled and made your way through his house into the kitchen. JJ and Emily were dumping an assortment of fruits into a large bowl.

"(Y/N) hey!" JJ smiled with her eyes as she popped a grape in her mouth. "Nice to see you outside of work. "she laughed.

"Nice to be outside of work." you snorted. "This week couldn't have gone by any slower."

"You got that right." Emily chimed in and jerked the fruit bowl away from JJ, handing it off to Rossi.

"The rest of the team is outside on the patio, whenever you wanna head out there." Rossi said, nodding towards the back. You smiled and nodded, following him through the sliding glass doors.

"Hey (Y/N)!" you heard a ripple of greetings from Hotch Reid and Morgan.

"Oh! (Y/N)! You made it!" Garcia jumped from her seat and approached you for a hug.

"Hey Garcia! Nice knowing you function without a computer in front of you." you joked. 

"I'm glad you decided to show, (L/N)." Morgan chuckled. "You haven't really met the team until you've had dinner at Rossi's."

"He-he's right." Reid smiled and waved at you again.

"Oh I wonder what I'll discover." you hummed softly and took a seat next to Garcia.

"You'll discover plenty as long as Reid keeps talking." Hotch said greeting you personally. Reid scrunched his mouth and nodded.

"More than you might want to know." Morgan added jokingly. You laughed as he shook his head at the ground.

"Dinner is served!" Emily sung as she exited the house; she set down the plate of ribs, waiting to be attacked. Followed by JJ with the sides.

"This smells amazing holy shit." you breathed. "You did this Rossi?"

"Oh yeah. All me." he laughed, patted Emily on the back as a thank you, and took his seat.

You each took turns passing bowls and cutting the ribs as equally as possible for everyone. You all laughed when Morgan stole fruit from Reid's plate, resulting in Reid dumping his whole serving of fruit onto Morgan's plate. Insisting he finish what he had started.

This reminded JJ of a story that had to do with Will feeding Henry for the first time, which reminded Hotch of his early years with Jack, and then that ricocheted more stories from across the table. 

"What about you, (L/N)? We've been telling stories all night, what do you got?" Morgan popped your way.

"Uh, nothing interesting really," you chuckled. "not that I can remember at least."

"Oh come on. You have to have something," Emily muffled between bites. "What about your past? Anything you're comfortable sharing at the sacred table?"

"Yeah we don’t know too much about you (Y/N)," JJ stated. "What do you like, what were you involved in during high school? Your looove life." she stretched. The rest of the team nodded and slightly leaned forward, waiting for your answer. You laughed and shook your head at her forwardness.

"Something I really like... hm, music for sure." you laughed at the sky thinking. "I originally wanted to be a musician. I grew up playing the piano, then I learned the violin, then the cello..."

"Really now?" Hotch questioned, surprised.

"Yeah, I had a stage where I was really into movie scores and so when I started middle school I joined Mariachi to learn the violin. We didn’t have an orchestra program, and I didn’t have the time for a private teacher. So I learned through the program until I graduated high school. Then I taught myself cello."

"So you still play?" Reid asked.

"Barely. I really have no reason to. Just for my own pleasure. I don’t have the time I used to. I'm probably, extremely rusty." you chuckled.

"You should play for us sometime!" Garcia swooned. "I love the violin."

"I-I don't know," you laughed. "It'll be pretty bad."

"Isn't the violin like the hardest instrument to play or something?" Morgan asked leaning back in his seat.

"That is actually an extremely common assumption." Reid interrupted. "Because of the many factors it takes just to prepare to play the violin, many assume it is the hardest instrument to learn. You've got to unpack it, tune it, tighten the bow, tune it again. And for beginners especially because the sound produced is determined on your position of the bow and the pressure of your fingers. There are many things to pay attention to while playing." he paused for a moment. "However in my opinion I really believe it depends on the person learning the instrument. Some people have a natural affinity for music and can pick it up really fast. Assuming since you started piano at a young age, you knew music theory inside and out. Then you started violin in 6th grade and you made varsity mariachi as a freshman, I'd think music practically runs through your blood." You all stared at him for a second. What a brain.

"Wait I-I never told you I was in varsity." you mumbled in question.

"Busted..." Morgan whistled softly. Reid's mouth dropped a little. He turned red and looked down at his plate, unsure of how to respond. He just ratted himself out.

"I was kind of looking you up before you joined." Garcia confessed. "Reid was there with me. We wanted to know who we'd be working with." Hotch sighed, and rubbed his temples.

"Way to make it awkward guys." JJ nervously laughed.

"No no its cool, I guess, I wouldn't really have expected anything less from the FBI." you laughed it off.

"That's really interesting though, (L/N)." Morgan added. "Y'all we're working with a musical prodigy." he laughed.

"Well I don't know about that." you shrugged sarcastically.

"I'd really like to hear you play though. The violin is so...sexy." Morgan flirted. You'd caught on weeks ago that his personality was just like that. Flirtatious. You chuckled and looked at your erratically vibrating phone.

"Excuse me." you said and stepped aside to take the phone call. Once you were at a far enough distance, Garcia hissed at Spencer.

"You owe me Reid!" she leaned across the table and whisper yelled. "I saved your ass. I should've let you suffer."

"But what you said wasn't exactly untrue! You did look her up!" Reid's face turned pale as he panicked about the conversation topic.

"Upon your request!"

"I knew it!" Morgan laughed. "Reid has got a crush on our prodigy." JJ and Emily snickered and looked back at you; still on the phone.

"I assume I don't have to remind you-" Hotch started.

"No no. It's not like that!" Reid rushed.

"Not yet." Morgan teased.

"Sorry guys, I've gotta go. My brother just made a surprise trip and flew in to come see me. I've gotta pick him up at the airport." you sighed in disappointment, yet excited to see your brother again. The team sighed in a collective "Aw" of disappointment.

"And things were just getting interesting." Morgan sighed and sat back in his seat.

"How do you mean?" you tilted your head. "What were y'all up to?" you narrowed your eyes and looked around the table, Reid averting your gaze very noticeably.

"Nothing," Emily hummed. "Just-"

"Planning another stupid prank." JJ cut her off. "Morgan was, you know him, being a joker." she laughed.

"Right.." you chuckled. "I almost believed that for a second. JJ ruined it. I'll find out sooner or later." You headed for the door, Rossi walking you out. 

"Bye (Y/N)!" the team called after you.

"Drive safe baby girl." Morgan smiled after you.

"Of course." you smiled and winked back at him before disappearing into the house.

"You heard her pretty boy," Morgan taunted. "She'll find out sooner or later."

"Assuming she doesn't already know." Hotch mumbled.

"No thanks to any of you!" Reid complained.

"Better act fast kid." Morgan challenged playfully. "Or I will."

"Shut up."

[sighlizz]

3, 4, 7, 8, 17, 20-40

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.There have only been two people in my life that I’ve had serious romantic relationships with and fortunately one is still well in my life. The first one, definitely my first love, not really my favorite person or someone I would be friends with now. But I really can’t deny that. And the one still in my life is my current boyfriend, which I love to death. And I never really know how much is too sappy, so I’m constantly under sappy and I’m sorry for that. He’s pretty honest with me when I need him to be, which I appreciate lots, sometimes I think he sugar coats things. He’s one of the cleanest boys I know, which I think is like a huge bonus?! and he always knows how to make me laugh and when to comfort me. He’s my best friend, so what more could I ask for?

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.I regret everything I ever do? Ha, but one of the things that I don’t think anyone really knows about much, is family. I often times let my (dads side) family walk all over me and talk down on my brother and I. I don’t ever stand up for myself, it’s a love-hate relationship I have with them. For example, my mom couldn’t afford to pay for all of my dads funeral expenses, so my family came in and I wanted my dad to be buried at a specific spot but it was a little bit pricier, and my uncle had come in and told me “beggars can’t be choosers” Long story short, they turned around and decided we were going to have to pay them back for the whole funeral. Which was shitty.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.I almost want to say my intelligence? I mean I’ve got quite a few insecurities, but my intelligence is one of the bigger ones that I don’t think many people know about. A lot of my grades after elementary school, I feel like were very unimpressive, and I don’t know if it’s because I don’t try enough or I really am stupid. I’ve been diagnosed with ADD and I have been prescribed for medication in the past and my grades were terrific then, but it also makes me shitty and suicidal so I don’t enjoy taking it and I haven’t been taking it since like my freshman year of high school. But even socially, I feel like I can be saying some nonsense and I’m just completely embarrassed later.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.This took me a long time to kind of figure out. But my heritage, it’s not super common, and I really like it when people ask like where I’m from actually. I mean unfortunately both sides of my family don’t clash well together, but I’m able to go to one side and just experience things and go to another side, and both families are immigrants so the traditions are pretty live and well.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with. Anyone willing to hand me some money? Show me the finer things in life? lol, on a real note, I feel like I’m friends with everyone I would like to be close to, with an exception of old best friends, but ya know, it’s life.

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.Ooo, girl, I was just with a friend I haven’t seen since high school like a few hours ago and she brought up this story that I forgot. I had just been broken up with this guy I had been with for two years and yikes, well he had milk in his locker/cubbies and like who tf leaves milk all day in their locker? So that was nasty, anyways, I opened up that milk and poured it all over his clothes and books in the BACK of his locker, so he wouldn’t even know and I was in guard and all the girls thought it was funny, so like 3 days later this horrible stench comes and people are trying to figure out like what that nasty smell was, HA ya it was coming from his locker and he had to clean everything out, and oh my gosh, my text books were still in his locker! And I thought those textbooks was owned by the girl he was flirting with so I was about to pour milk onto those books too, but luckily I didn’t cause, um ya haha they were mine actually. Anyways the girls and I laughed, the end.

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.I feel like I don’t turn people down? It’s probably worst, lol. I’ll give someone a chance, and if I’m not feeling it, I do a 180 and ghost them.

22: Talk about your worst fear.Oh, well I’m religious so like I’m dead serious. Demons, like not even the devil that I’m kinda scared of, it’s like demons from like Insidious the movie. Like with zombies? I could kill myself and I don’t have to deal with them anymore. But demons, oh my, no, they’ve got you.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.N/A ?

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.I don’t think I can really pinpoint anything specifically right now, but anytime a friend comes to me with a problem they have I feel special, I’m terrible at giving advice, but I’m always around to sit and listen and mope with you. And also anytime someone comes to me and just tells me their true feelings about something, knowing that they feel comfortable enough to open up about something, that’s good stuff.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.This happened recently that she became my ex-best friend. I don’t know I miss her and I still hope the best for her. I’m sure if I reached out and kept bothering her she’ll eventually let me into her life, lol, but I just don’t think that’s a good idea. She’s really pretty and definitely one of the most realistic people I know and honestly, I don’t have a whole lot of girlfriends, so losing one out of the few I already barely had made me devastated.

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.I sleep? Don’t do very much because I’m so tired. And I’m not sick very often either, but when I do, I’ll probably do 3 gulps of NyQuil, no more, no less. Definitely not the amount recommended but I sleep more and that’s all I care about.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.Hmm, I love a good nose. Noses are probably my favorite, I love the tip of the nose, the cartilage part, it’s a good part. I also really like fingernails. I think those two specifically are my favorite because I don’t like my own nose and fingernails.

28: Talk about your fetishes.If you’re able to find my BDSM test scores, I feel like those are all still pretty relevant. The only new thing is I’m a slight masochist.

29: Talk about what turns you on.I’m a slut for people who text back fast. Anytime someones got Old Spice deodorant, like my sense of smell isn’t great, but I can pinpoint who’s wearing it and I love it. I guess just caring about my safety should be a basic one, but ya I like that. Complimenting me, that’s basic, I don’t know these are all basic. I am a basic girl, feed me and touch my hair and I’m in love. Maybe it’s little things I like, are these little things? I feel like these aren’t very high standards lol.

30: Talk about what turns you off.If you don’t keep up with basic hygiene and if you don’t care how you appear to other people, then we’re going to have a problem. If you’re inconsiderate and have no manners, like dinner table wise especially, eek. If we’re texting and you make me wait for long periods of time (talking about hours, lol minutes is pushing it, but I guess I gotta be realistic) then Imma drop you.

31: Talk about what you think death is like.I would like to think there’s a heaven. Everyone is happy and dandy and those who deserve not to be there, ya. They’re not there, heh heh. But I guess my faith is not all that stable, because otherwise, I think it’s just cold and dark.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.Hmm, well I lived in southern California for the most of my life, but when I was younger my cousins had this house up in central California and basically a farm. Cows, chickens, goats, dogs the whole thing and before I started high school, I would go there every summer and like just run around and that was fun.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.Ooooo, listen to sad boi music. Cry more. And it’s a good time. If it’s really bad, then I’ll call up a friend and have them just keep me company, but by the time they get to me I stop crying because I hate crying around people, and they’ll ask me what’s wrong and I’ll try to avoid the question and act like nothing has happened and we’ll eventually talk then they leave, and I cry again. It’s a routine I have.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.Once in middle school, I got some sort of kissing disease or I was sharing too many of my drinks and I got this gnarly infection in my mouth. I couldn’t eat or swallow so I basically starved myself. Eating caused me an enormous amount pain and starving wasn’t any better. So I lost a quite a bit of weight, and at one point I thought I was going to die. lol

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.PROCASTINATiNG. BEING LAZY. Cracking my knuckles, shaking my leg when I’m nervous, turning red when I’m embarrassed. I wish I wasn’t so petty, that I was just nicer. I want to stop judging people, the last two things I really try working on, but I’ve still got some=progress to do.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.Oof, I love looking at myself. I love picking at my own skin too, it’s really unnecessary but I enjoy it (and if I’m virtually spotless, then I attack my brother, a gold mine for me)

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.Omg. Middle school. I don’t know. We’re all stupid then. I’m glad none of my current friends were close to me, Jesus. I don’t know??? I said I love you to the guy??? UGH. dumb and gross.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.Fuqboi - Kelsey Hauf, thanks for showing me songs you think I would like, because I did like them, but mostly because you thought about me.Unintended (Muse) - Aileen, we both cried our eyes out to this, for the same reasons Wait a Minute! - Tegan, thanks for always screaming this song with me, I don’t know why we like it so much, lol My Boo (Hitman’s Club remix)- Michael, because you would dance this every time it came on and I thought it was so darn cute.Toothbrush (DNCE)- Michael, lol one of the first songs that I associated with you, it was on the radio constantly and we were always together. I’ve been meaning to make a playlist, but just never got around to it.

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.Don’t go to parties with people you barely know. Don’t drink alone with only one person. Save your virginity, like wtf. Be on top of your shit, life goes by WAY to fast for the worst.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.A lot of my life was carefree, up until my dad passed. I didn’t worry about anything and took care of nothing. When my dad passed, I felt like I was forced to start doing things all of the sudden, taking care of my brother, making sure my mom was okay (she started to drink a whole lot more) and I would have to put her in her place, take her to bed, made sure she got up for work, etc), I had to start learning how to drive because my dad was the person who took us everywhere. So after that, I was given a lot more freedom, but I also was given a ton of more responsibilities.

[flauntpage]

The NFL Isn't Swinging Back to Superstar RBs Anytime Soon

Welcome to the NFL Underground Mailbag. Ask Chris your question about the NFL, general sports, or cultural minutiae at HeyHarris@HarrisFootball.com. Follow him @HarrisFootball.

Sam P.: Do you think offenses like the Cowboys—where one workhorse running back is featured—are remnants of the past, or will the NFL eventually swing back to workhorses?

Everything goes in cycles. First we aren't wearing shower caps as part of our outfits, then we are, then we aren't again. What makes strategic NFL sense in 2017 will look like the Wildcat in 2027, by which time our robot overlords will control flesh-and-blood quarterbacks via joysticks and rectal implants.

Right now it's hard for you to imagine a pro-football-viewing public that doesn't prefer the five-wide, spread-out offenses of today, but that's only because you don't realize that we're just a couple years away from letting defenders carry homemade implements to snip the Achilles' tendons of opposing receivers. That oncoming trend will simultaneously slow down passing games and indulge in our collective bloodlust. Win-win.

Just gotta break through. Photo by Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

For as long as the NFL remains incredibly pass-happy, though, NFL teams aren't incentivized to build around a single expensive running back. Better to employ a team of interchangeable parts, none of whom carry the full burden of surviving 20-plus car crashes per week.

Frankly, you don't need to be excellent to play running back in the league right now. There are great rushers, but perhaps only…five of them? If that? Most teams have a bunch of meh in their backfields and shuffle them around both to keep them healthy and to lessen the impact when one of them decides he's worth a mint.

As recently as 2012, five running backs eclipsed 300 carries in a single season; six RBs have done so over the four combined seasons since. Ten years ago we used to talk about the Curse of 400! Zeke Elliott was excellent as a rookie—and the only rusher to top 300 totes last year—but he has two possible career paths: one where he's a bell-cow for a few years, gets hurt and/or expensive, and flames out early, and one where the Cowboys prolong his career while also giving sportsball morons an excuse to gripe about the old days.

I guess I do believe that everything old is new again, and eventually NFL offenses will realize they can kill dime defenses with great power rushing like Dallas did last year. When that happens, RBs will be superstars once more—but we're not there yet, and we're probably not close. Wake me when the Achilles' snipping starts.

Taylor C.: I'm curious about John Ross with the Bengals. Do you see him having a similar effect as Tyreek Hill did with the Chiefs last year, or is their only similarity that they can each outrun a train?

On my podcast, one of the most annoyingly incoherent things I regularly say—among many!—is "We can't legislate usage." Especially when it comes to one of the NFL's daffiest franchises, it's impossible to definitively state how John Ross's rookie season will go. A.J. Green gets fed first in Cincinnati, but I just got through talking about how insanely pass-happy the NFL is. Even if Green stays healthy and tops 180 targets, there'll be 400 more available for everyone else.

John Ross with the Bengals. Photo by Sam Greene/Cincinnati Enquirer via USA TODAY NETWORK

Ross is probably faster and quicker than Hill. His one year of collegiate dominance featured dozens of highlights showing off ridiculous acceleration and change-of-direction that remind me of Antonio Brown. What's interesting about the Hill/Ross comparison is that each guy had a tough time finding a position: Hill was a too-small running back who gradually shifted to a utility role, while Ross was a corner in his freshman year. As such, neither guy is a finished product, but each is a total game-wrecker with the ball.

The questions about Hill are whether he can become polished enough getting off the line as an outside receiver to become an Odell Beckham–type superstar, and whether the conservative Chiefs will give him the chance; in '16, 27 of his 83 targets were thrown behind the line, making him the screen-heaviest WR in the NFL by percentage.

I have more faith that the Bengals will give Ross more clear-out duties, and that he'll make big plays down the field (whereas last year Hill had only 11 targets that traveled 20 or more air yards). Of course, I can't know whether the Bengals will bomb it to Ross as a rookie any more than the Chiefs did for Hill last year, because—say it with me now—we can't legislate usage.

Mike M.: What's the best concert you've ever been to?

In researching my big music novel, War On Sound, I saw hundreds of shows and talked to dozens of bands. Many of the stories I experienced myself or heard about wound up in the book. Who am I kidding: most of them did. I'm not that creative.

I wish these stories made me look cool (Milla Jovovich once stepped on my foot at a Toad The Wet Sprocket show—hi, I'm old!), but that's not my lot in life.

My standard response to this question has always been: Cracker. This was the mid 90s in Austin, at the long-gone Liberty Lunch. Counting Crows opened, and nobody had ever heard of them, and we thought they were pretty good. (As it turned out, we were probably wrong.) Then Cracker came on.

They rocked, but as the show wore on, it became obvious they couldn't hear themselves very well. David Lowery launched into "Eurotrash Girl," a deep cut hidden on their "Kerosene Hat" record that made me feel cool for knowing it. But the band stopped partway through, and Lowery shouted into the microphone, "These monitors are for shit!" Then he picked up one of the monitors (speakers that face the musicians so they can hear what they're playing or singing) and passed it into the crowd, where we surfed it out over our heads into the middle of the club.

The Liberty Lunch bouncers were not amused. They tore into the audience, shoving kids aside, punching one dude who was unlucky enough to be holding the monitor over his head, and wrenching away the speaker. Someone reinstalled it back on the stage, and Cracker somehow wasn't kicked out of the club, and resumed their set.

It was great. They said thank you. They did an encore. They said thank you. They did another encore. The Liberty Lunch lights came up, everybody yelled and turned away from the stage, the crew relaxed as we beat our retreat…and then the band came out again. Lowery said, "We never finished this song," and proceeded to play "Eurotrash Girl" from the beginning, an eight-minute number, as one final fuck-you to the L.L.

Being a drunk idiot who fancied himself an anti-establishmentarian, but who was actually a wet-behind-the-ears school newspaper editor, I shouted along gleefully and went home happy. And with some of my hearing intact!

Tore B.: How well do you think you'd do as a real-life NFL GM?

I'm sure I'd suck.

My NFL analysis often amounts to: stop retrofitting reasons for things. Usually good players play well and bad players play poorly, and good teams play well and bad teams play poorly, and usually the reasons those things happen don't involve where the game was played or who had extra motivation or which players can't stand each other or any other of the million clichés with which sports fans are bombarded because the media is basically a bunch of lazy assholes who don't think you can tell when they're picking stuff out of their asses.

Don't get me wrong. The interpersonal stuff does matter. It matters bigly! My point is just that we never get the real truth. As fans, we're privy to lies and political answers and little else.

A leader of men. Photo by Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

The hardest thing to do is to get the members of any complex organization to pull in the same direction, let alone a complex organization filled with violent alpha males with the collective IQ of a loaf of raisin bread. You have to do stuff like bury footballs and chop off your punter's foot in the name of motivation.

It takes a one-in-a-million leader to be able to spout that garbage or just flat-out scare players into fucking up less than their opponents. I think I have a pretty decent handle on the talent evaluation side of the NFL, but managing to keep 53 knuckleheads out of prison is almost certainly beyond me.

Michael R.: How in the world are the NBA playoffs more popular than the NHL playoffs? Has the world suffered a collective massive head wound?

The NBA playoffs blow. They are terrible. Super-teams often make for exciting finals but everything before those finals are a joke. Nice of the Rockets to show up Thursday night, huh? Nice of the Bulls to look like they gave a crap, too. Home teams on the verge of elimination are now 0-10 this year. The average margin of victory in those ten games is 16.2 points. Overall, 17 games have been decided by at least 20 points. Warriors–Cavs III has been foreordained since last June, and the media have been trying to distract us with MVP talk for months.

By contrast, the NHL playoffs are awesome. The games are close. Road teams sometimes win. Underdogs sometimes win. For a fan of the two teams, a hockey Game 7 is the closest humankind has yet come to collectively shitting out its own heart. If you like the NBA playoffs more than the NHL playoffs, you're (a) a hopeless idiot; (b) Charles Barkley; or (c) both.

Tom M.: You planning on coming back to Austin in 2017?

It's already over 90 degrees there, with three months of 100-plus looming. Cracker better be doing a fantastic version of "Eurotrash Girl."

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