#Lie! Obviously they are going to have about ten more children!

[the-genius-az]

Omega!Ty Lee pregnant with Azula puppies and headcanons of Alpha!Azula taking care of her pregnant mate

Thanks for idea, Amor!

Azula gets clingy on Ty Lee.

Ty Lee has to hide to have some alone time.

Azula perfumes her Omega completely with her pheromones.

Sometimes Ty Lee gets angry and yells at everyone saying they are useless.

Thanks to pregnancy hormones she kicked her Alpha out of the room.

Everyone in the palace could see Azula sleeping at the door of her room.

Ty Lee couldn't stand to see her Alpha for even a second.

That era ended and the horny era began, Azula had her reward!

She was definitely not going to get her Omega pregnant again because it hurt her to see how he rejected her.

She DEFINITELY wasn't going to get her Omega pregnant again when her three puppies were born.

[sicksadgames]

As the Sun Forever Sets - Terror in the time of the Telegraph

It’s nuts I’ve been working on this game for over 4 years at this point. As the Sun Forever Sets is for sure my biggest and most capital G Game. It even has a publisher and everything. It’s also my first game! Wow! It's been tough, though. We'll get into it!

Britain, 1899

As the Sun Forever Sets is a survival horror sandbox based on the War of the Worlds, utilises the Forged in the Dark ruleset, and is about ordinary people surviving a Martian invasion of Victorian era Britain. We play to find out how they rise to meet the storm of destruction, the ways in which it shapes them, and if they survive to see a new world emerge, or die amidst the rubble of the old.

In the last years of Queen Victoria’s reign, the British Empire stretches across a quarter of the globe, and under the guise of genteel progress and civilisation, it commits theft and murder on a global scale. Britain itself is on the verge of the modern era, the Second Industrial Revolution pushing people into the cities to drive the factories and forges owned by the greedy industrialist class. But beyond the common causes of humanity and unbeknownst to the men who impose their rule over it, vast wheels have begun their inexorable turning. Across 40 million miles of void, the Martian invasion hurtles Earthward. Screaming across the stars, instruments of annihilation unlike anything believed possible lie ready for assembly, alongside the Martians themselves. They are truly inscrutable beings, but their intent is as clear as it is terrible – they will suck the literal and figurative blood from the Earth, and nothing less than the complete and utter subjugation of humanity will be enough.

If this sounds cool to you... well, you gotta wait, it’s not done yet. Sorry! But you can come and hang out in the Sick Sad Games discord, where I post excerpts and occasionally organise playtests.

The Hard Times of (Old) England

Be warned, this is a long one - over 4000 words (if you don't have a Tumblr account, you won't get to the end before it starts bugging you to register one, so go read this on Medium instead.) It turns out when you work on a game for a long time, you have a lot to say about it. Strap in, grab your gin and laudanum, and let’s destroy an evil empire just by existing.

Thanks to the wonderful @hendrik-ten-napel for taking a look over my disorganised thoughts.

(Potential) Spoilers for: The Bear, The War of the Worlds, The Last of Us, Children of Men, Threads, When the Wind Blows, Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs, The Thing.

Roleplay in the Pre-Post-Apocalypse

TTRPGs love a good post apocalypse. It's understandable - gas up and ride glorious on the legally distinct fury road, run a commune of like minded weirdos in the ashes of the old world, go digging through retro-futuristic ruins to find retro-futuristic treasures. Who wouldn't want to do any of these? But As the Sun Forever Sets is about an apocalypse as it begins, not after it’s over. 

There's a lot of crossover, of course. There’s a focus on similar things - disaster and spectacle, relationships and trust, scavenging and survival. But the bonus of the world not yet being over, is that we get to roleplay out dealing with that terrible, inexorable reality.

HG Wells wrote a book about blowing up all the places he used to live, and it's a banger. I was surprised to find there wasn't a TTRPG based on the War of the Worlds, being the tantalisingly public domain ur-alien invasion story it is. As the Sun Forever Sets is very explicitly an adaption of it, to the point that before I came up with the name it almost got released as The War of the Worlds: The Roleplaying Game (lol). I'm glad I didn't, doing my own thing has meant both me and the people playing are way more free to fuck around without the expectation that it must adhere to a canon.

The book is good, strikingly modern feeling in parts, and obviously massively influential - so much science fiction can be traced back to our nameless Narrators tormentuous trek across the south of England. But Wells’ prose is typical Victorian - overly wordy and florid (any book that contains the word “ejaculating” meaning “to shout” might be difficult for readers who aren’t used to the style), so when it comes to recommending an actual adaptation, there’s only one true king. Whenever I bring up Jeff Wayne’s The War of the Worlds, the usual reaction from anyone outside of the UK is to say "... they made a what?"

My mom was very keen to get me into musicals, but nothing really stuck until she tried this, the secret best War of the Worlds adaption (sorry Steven Spielberg, but you were doomed from the start.) It's the bombast and drama you'd expect from a disaster film, the horror and pathos of Wells’ classic, all expressed through vivid narration and sick nasty prog rock - wailing guitar and crunchy 70's synths operating at full effect. It's not completely faithful to the book, it doesn't matter. It’s the best.

Ah yes, the film bro's favourite mid 2000's film. Did you see that sick oner? That’s six minutes without a cut, that means the film’s good right? Children of Men is a slow burn apocalypse, dressed up like a world that’s already ended. Plenty has been written about all the little ways the film is prescient about the state of the UK - the slow belly-crawl into facism and nationalist fervour, the particularly British decay and class divide exacerbated by the desperate times, even the willful ignorance and the explicit sense that everyone’s just given up, it’s all here.

All that thematic stuff seems like it’d be really relevant to As the Sun Forever Sets, right?

Unfortunately, we are in fact here to talk about the long takes. The unbroken moment-to-moment action scenes evoke The War of the Worlds to a tee. Theo navigates danger with the same fraught tactical tension as War of the World's Narrator - dashing between doorways, groping for an axe handle in the darkness, desperately trying to start a car as assailants sprint towards him. What’s the best way out of this situation? How do I get from here to where I need to be? He lives his life in rolling, fleeting 5 second intervals, because he’s forgotten what it means to think in the long term - about the future, and what it might hold.

I was always fascinated and terrified by the idea of nuclear war. I guess it comes from watching a lot of 90’s disaster movies, but those are often ultimately fun romps where the day gets saved at the end, or at least the main characters find themselves alive and well at the end of the saga of destruction. Instead, As the Sun Forever Sets asks you to reflect on the horror and sadness present at the end of the world. Things are going to change forever, and change is always hard.

There’s not many clips of Threads and When the Wind Blows online, so it’s a little hard to demonstrate their particular nuclear inflected pitch black darkness. They’re grim - Grave of the Fireflies grim - differing in focus but united in their horrible impact.

When the Wind Blows is a story of an elderly couple living in rural England when the bombs drop, based on the comic by Raymond Briggs. Yes, The Snowman’s Raymond Briggs made a film about 2 lovely grandparents dying of acute radiation poisoning. Jim and Hilda are completely unprepared for what’s to come, their only reference is the Blitz - terrible in its own way, but not a patch on the scale of death they’re about to experience.

They survive the blast and wait for the good old British Government to arrive to save them, as it did in the 40’s. Slowly liquifying in the nuclear fallout, they hold onto each other and keep their spirits up, eventually making the decision to clamber into the paper sacks they mistakenly believed might protect them from the blast. Clutching their medical cards and birth certificates (for the ambulance, sure to be along any minute now), Jim mumbles painfully through a final prayer that morphs into a misremembered Charge of the Light Brigade, and they slip into a perpetual slumber together.

The most tragic part is Jim and Hilda’s unshakeable faith that their government is there for them - ready to catch them when they fall - borne out of Britain’s post WW2 renewal but absent in the 1980’s of the film’s plot, and the Britain of today. It’s a masterful film, shockingly sad, but the shock is the point.

Instead of aiming for your heart, Threads aims for the head. It’s a drama that aims to be as accurate as possible to government research into what a nuclear war might look like, plainly and forensically setting it out without any thought of softening these hard facts for its audience. Rather than focusing on a personal story, Threads flits around several groups of characters - minor government figures and ordinary families. Like Jim and Hilda, they too are woefully unprepared for the end of the world, and those in charge know there’s no way the UK could ever be ready for such a thing.

As mundane life is quietly intruded upon by news updates detailing far off geopolitics and the subsequent escalation that leads to war, the tension rises subtly then suddenly, like a spacecraft on the launchpad. People we’ve seen pottering about their normal lives are maimed and evaporated in the subsequent shocking nuclear exchange, whilst stark statistics flash on the screen - the hundreds of thousands instantly killed, how long the millions more fatally irradiated have left to live, the woefully inadequate tonnage of stockpiled food to feed those who survive. Each zero hits like a gutpunch.

And when you think the film must nearly be over, it keeps going. 1 week later. 1 year later. Threads grinds to an excruciating halt 13 years after the bombs fall, after year upon year of failed harvests from a destroyed earth barely able to support a population level equivalent to medieval Britain. At one point, mute children watch a warped and scratchy VHS of classic kids educational programme Words and Pictures on a TV powered by a steam generator.

The friendly presenter spells out the word “cat” through the thick veil of static, accompanied by a picture of one - an animal the children watching will likely never see. As they watch with blank, emotionless faces, the image of the cat fades to one of its skeletal form. “A cat’s skeleton” the presenter enthusiastically intones. The unrelenting bleakness might feel like a punishment, but Threads doesn’t mean it to be. This is just what would happen, after all.

Love in the time of the Heat-ray

In fact, someone in a Reddit thread said As the Sun Forever Sets “wasn’t just endless misery” and I’m glad that comes across. I wanted there to be moments of tenderness, quiet joy, anger, frustration, love and loss to punctuate the action and the horror.

People are messy and complicated even at the best of times. Under pressure, this is amplified a thousandfold - a little crush becomes a whirlwind romance, small disagreements become full blown fights, and not fully understanding someone might transform them into an enemy in your head.

The little town Bill conspires to be left alone in ends up comparatively untouched by the horrors going on elsewhere, as untouched as anywhere can be in The Last of Us. He hated the world anyways - so he isolates himself as he prepares for it to end, and it makes sense that his life only really begins as the show does. When Frank arrives, Bill is forced not to just engage with the broader world outside of his little enclave, but in the act of truly living in it.

There’s no prepper’s guide to romance. A human heart can’t be field stripped for maintenance. By choosing to exist as a vulnerable, emotional being, Bill opens himself up to a different kind of apocalypse. Frank becomes the flowering vines that slowly crack the flat concrete wall of a world that Bill created, and when those vines die, the wall can only crumble. It’s so fraught and lovely, delicately yet absolutely gut wrenching. At least their apocalypse was one they decided to have together.

“I’m old. I’m satisfied. And you… were my purpose.” - "Long Long Time”, The Last of Us

While several of my TTRPG writing friends were gushing about how great The Bear is, Em Acosta, author of the wonderfully inspirational Exile pointed out something super interesting - a lot of the show is about how you deal with people you’ve found yourself stuck with. No matter how much they piss you off, or whatever they do wrong, there’s something that means you can’t ever let them truly exit your life. They’re there, like it or not, until the bitter end.

Turns out this is very similar to how As the Sun Forever Sets handles Player Character relationships. In both it and The Bear, nothing’s ever truly resolved between characters - every relationship is like a cooking pot perpetually simmering. You might’ve apologised, made a truce, or just ignored your issues for so long that they seem to disappear, but no matter what, you’ve got to keep your eye on that pot.

Because suddenly a crisis will hit, and someone says something, or a diceroll comes up bad and all of a sudden the pot boils over and things are once again fucked. You storm out, start screaming, throw a fork. Even in the worst case scenario where a Character leaves because they’re absolutely sick of the rest of the group, they might show up at the end of the game for one last scene. Who knows how you’ll all feel at the end - nothing is ever truly fixed, and only the dead are truly broken. 

“I quit, chef, is what’s going on. You are an excellent chef. You are also a piece of shit. This isn’t on me. Goodbye." - “The Review”, The Bear

I’ve talked about The Thing a little before, John Carpenters sweaty, paranoid antarctic masterpiece. Along with the incredible effects and the (mostly) restrained use of action and bombast, the thing that makes... The Thing work is that the staff of the stricken research base lack any and all emotional intelligence.

It’s sort of the ultimate reverse Dudes Rock movie. Nobody knows anything about each other, so when their bodies and minds are colonised by the titular chameleon from outer space, they’re just another stranger to the rest of the crew. I’d ask you a question only you would know the answer to, but uh.. I don’t know anything about you. Whoops!

Over the course of the film, the whole operation falls apart as they try their best to work together to deal with the alien interloper, but their complete lack of ability to trust or relate to each other - present even before the crisis they find themselves in - is their ultimate downfall.

That final excellent shot of MacReady and Childs sat in the snow at the end of the film as their compound burns around them is the subject of a lot of unnecessary theorycrafting youtube videos, which kind of misses the point. Each suspects the other, but ultimately it doesn’t matter if one of them’s a Thing. One stranger is the same as another. Why bother getting to know each other now?

“Well...What do we do?” “Why don't we just... wait here for a little while? See what happens.” - Childs and Macready, The Thing

Science Fiction Revenge Fantasy

I’m not a historian, but the parallels between 1899 and now are pretty plain to see. Increasing class disparity, a lack of political will to help those in need, rampant cronyism and profiteering. As long as you’re in the place for it, roleplaying in a fictionalised version of the past to air out the issues of the present can be super fun and cathartic. You’re not expected to get a degree in British history to make it work, either.

The title is a play on the phrase “The Sun Never Set on the British Empire”, and it’s plainly stated in the book that Britains Empire acted as a mechanism of genocidal oppression, and that the Martians are here to end it - intentionally or not. It’s appealing as a premise on the face of it, but it goes a little deeper. Memories of Empire echo across time in Britain like the ringing of a malevolent bell, a cause celebre for braying Tories and fascistic right wing cunts (two very close circles in the venn diagram.)

We used to be a great country before this woke nonsense. Things were better back in the old days. The DEI contingent is trying to destroy our noble past. Yada yada yada, fuck offff. I’m sure someone somewhere will accuse me of “wokewashing” the past for including explicitly trans and queer characters as part of the book, along with the historical facts around how we fit into the oppressive Victorian conception of sex and gender. Unfortunately for them, we’ve always been here.

To be a little pretentious about it, every game of As the Sun Forever Sets reaches back into the past and cuts the myth of a glorious and benevolent Empire, and the good old days enjoyed within it off at the neck, purely in the act of beginning one. That sparks a little joy for me. Destroying a racists dream is fun, even if it’s only in the abstract.

A horror game about the most literalist Victorian industrialist imaginable hearing the phrase “Eat the rich” and getting right on that. I’ve not played Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs despite fond (??) memories of playing The Dark Descent in a room full of jumpy friends, and seeing Dear Esther played live on stage, with a live orchestra and narrator - an exquisite way to experience that game.

The mechanical chops of Frictional Games mixed with the narrative verve of The Chinese Room, how could this game be anything less than incredible?

After The Dark Descent I fell off’ve the “scary guy chases you around” genre of game until Alien: Isolation revitalised it, and the reviews of A Machine for Pigs were mixed - kind of boring, middling gameplay, too dark - so I never went back. I was planning on writing a little about its vibe - dark, gothic Victoriana that rhymes nicely with As the Sun Forever Sets - but after a bit of research, Mandus’ quest for his missing sons strikes an unexpectedly resonant and terrible chord.

The writing and voice acting is phenomenal, Mandus’ split consciousness - the self you play and the other half of him that’s seen the horrors of the forthcoming 20th Century and is compelled to act, imbued into the myopic machine he built - is extremely compelling. He feels compassion for the poor and wants to save them, but they fill him with fear and disgust. He knows the industrialist class is killing the world, but feels a deep shame in the fact that he counts himself amongst them. So his machine grinds the rich into meat for the poor, who it distorts into grotesque pig homunculi and forces them to operate the machine’s inscrutable workings.

It’s Mandus’ twisted way of saving the world - kill the rich for their crimes, enslave the poor for their own good, all hail the new machine/god/manager of the 20th century. It’s a neat reflection of the way modern politicians contort themselves to the whims of big business and AI snake oil salesmen to avoid doing the simple and obvious things that’d better the world. It’s a nightmarish refutation of Victorian Liberalism, that only the upper class know how to fix the problems of the lower class. It’s brilliant, and we should play it. 

"Do you hear me Mandus? This is what you planned! This world is a machine! A Machine for Pigs! Fit only for the slaughtering of pigs! Whores, beggars, orphans, filthy degenerates. Pigs all. But I will purify the streets, cleanse this city, set the great industry free. I will clean the world, make it pure." - The Machine, A Machine for Pigs

Song of the Year, of the Century

Not long after I came out as trans, I was asked what (in an ideal world) would make transition easier. I replied - never having to leave the house. One day I'd shut the front door as a man and another day, months or years later, I'd open it again as a woman, neatly sidestepping the terror of being perceived in a notoriously transphobic Britain.

In 2020 I shut that door and didn't open it for 4 months. At work, I remember calling the nearby shelter to donate our excess hand sanitizer and toilet roll, figuring out at the last second how support workers could take calls from their already isolated clients via their mobile phones, and fixating on the steady stream of scared coworkers leaving early. Tearfully, I felt the urge to hug those that remained as we locked up, before we remembered we probably shouldn't.

I've never been more aware of the minutia of moving through a space on the way home - How many people had their hands on this handrail? Have I touched my mouth or eyes without realising? Is anyone in the office already sick? Or on this train? How many more people are going to die? - My heart was in my chest, I heard the blood whoosh through my head to the beat of my steps on the pavement. At home, I realised my boyfriend had to go into work the next day. After he went to sleep, terrified he might die, I cried.

"I remember I felt an extraordinary persuasion that I was being played with, that presently, when I was upon the very verge of safety, this mysterious death—as swift as the passage of light—would leap after me from the pit about the cylinder, and strike me down." - "The Heat Ray", The War of the Worlds

Writing As the Sun Forever Sets was my way of coping with the disconnect with the world I felt, the fear of both Covid and the rising transphobia kept me inside even as the lockdowns eased. That feeling of throbbing death creeping at the window took a long time to wrestle under control, and getting deeply obsessed with a big project became part of that process. It seems incredibly maudlin to make a TTRPG dealing with darkness and death during a pandemic that killed (and continues to kill) millions of people, but I suppose I’m kind of a maudlin person.

“I haven't written a song in a month, So I'm playing the same chords again. I know I need to get lost in the moment, But I get lost before it begins. Fingers stretching out into space. Reaching as a thought slips away.”

It also burnt me the fuck out. After years of constant work and testing (beginning long before Evil Hat picked up the game), I ran out of steam. I spent the months after Evil Hat’s public playtest ended not really able to write anything ATSFS related at all. The game kind of froze - I knew what I wanted to change or fix or add, but the moment the google doc opened I couldn’t make myself start typing. It was incredibly frustrating to have the switch flip from endless obsessive writing to constant nothing, and I don’t think I truly recognised the burnout I was feeling until recently. It turns out spending years staying up past midnight writing is bad, who know!

A lot of Forged in the Dark games don’t get finished (or more accurately, get stuck in perpetual development), something that the excellent and dearly missed +1 Forward podcast recognised in their episode collecting their thoughts on the FITD games they looked at back in 2021. I think that’s because, at least to me, writing a Forged in the Dark game is like trying to hold a plate of spaghetti without the plate. It’s deceptively simple at its heart, but the system squirms when you poke at it - write one thing and it affects 3 other things. Tug one piece of pasta out and you lose a meatball without realising it.

When I listened to that episode, I took it as a challenge. Part of me now wonders if it was a curse. I'm being hyperbolic, of course. But a little part of me did think it might be better to give the game up.

That’s not going to be As the Sun Forever Sets' fate, thankfully. Evil Hat has been there to support me when I’ve felt guilty about shifting another deadline or replying to a check-in email with another late “Not much progress this month, sorry!” The frozen writers block is thawing, and I’m so tantalisingly close to finishing the final text. This blog is part of that process, another chip in the icy dam.

The wheels of dread Martian terror turn once again, and it feels good. Part of that is down to not beating myself up about a lack of progress. The more important part came when I realised I felt able to return to the world again - living in it, not hiding from it. Staying connected to it, even when there's times I'm not able to inhabit it physically. Covid, Britains particular brand of transphobic brainworms, and the shadow of Empire all continue to exist, and so do I - a weird maudlin transsexual woman - in spite of them all.

“The day seemed, by contrast with my recent confinement, dazzlingly bright, the sky a glowing blue. A gentle breeze kept the red weed that covered every scrap of unoccupied ground gently swaying. And oh! the sweetness of the air!” - “The Stillness”, The War of the Worlds

You made it!

Thanks for sticking with my messy thoughts. If what I talked about here sounds cool to you, please stop by the Discord, we'd love to have you. Look forward to seeing As the Sun Forever Sets come to a crowdfunding platform of Evil Hat's choice (I assume backerkit) at some point in the future ♥.

[throughthetwistedmirror]

Not Weak ~ *Epel Felmier*

Summary: Epel absolutely hates Vil's fangirls because they think they're in love with them. He thinks love and emotions make you weak. You're about to prove him wrong.

Pairing: Epel Felmier X G/N!Reader

Genre: Fluffy Drabble

Word Count: 834

Warning: Obnoxious fangirls

Masterlist

Taglist: @savanaclaw1996 @goseew

“Look at them, simpering over Vil like silly little school girls.”

You rolled your eyes at Epel’s grumblings. He always had something to say about Vil’s fangirls and their very obvious crushes. You tried to not let it get to you, but it was pretty annoying hearing about it day after day after day. It was even worse when he brought up Rook’s infatuation with the movie star.

“You’re still on that?”

“Still?! Look at them! Seven, he drives me crazy as he lets them live in their stupid little fantasies!” He growled, raking his fingers through his lilac hair. “He should just throw one of them a bone and date them, so then the rest can stop acting like lovesick children.”

“There are two things wrong with that,” you counted on your fingers. “First of all, can you imagine the fan wars that would start because of that? Things would be a lot worse than they are now! Second, there is no way Vil would ever date a fan.”

“You call those problems, I call that entertainment.” He snickered. “I would pay to see all of his fans go at each other’s throats just so they could date Vil. It would be ten times more entertaining if he chose Rook! Can you imagine it? The chaos would be amazing! But in a perfect world, I’d be as far away from these delusional fans as possible.” 

You crinkle your nose at his words. “What’s with your aversion to love, huh? Can’t you just let the fans live in her delusional world that Vil likes them back? Would that be so bad? Can’t you just let sleeping dogs lie?”

“I would if their air-headedness and screams didn’t bother the absolute shit out of me.” Epel began to pout which if your heart wasn’t stuttering in your chest, you’d call him cute. “I hate all of it. No one should be that infatuated with another person. It’s a sign of weakness you know.”

“Weakness? You think having feelings and showing emotion is a weakness?”

“Yeah, obviously.”

You were used to these kinds of conversations with him, but that didn’t mean it still didn’t hurt your heart. Apparently you were much better at hiding your crush on Epel than Vil’s fangirls were. But maybe that’s because you did go around screaming about how attractive and how kind he was. Perhaps if you acted more like them, he might get the hint you liked him more than a friend… 

But you weren’t a fangirl at all. And you had other ways of getting your point across. So instead you started laughing.

He looked at you with a raised eyebrow. “What are you on about?”

You waved your hand dismissively. “Nothing, nothing. It’s just, it’s very obvious you’ve never been kissed before and I find that very hilarious.”

Epel’s jaw dropped. “I HAVE BEEN KISSED BEFORE!”

“No you haven’t! If you’ve been kissed, good and proper, you wouldn’t be saying that having emotions is a weakness.”

“I have been kissed and I still think emotions make you weak!”

“Whatever you say, you kiss-virgin.” You shook your head before leaning in closer to him, a coy smile on your lips. “Just say you’ve never been kissed and I’ll stop teasing you.”

The light blush on Epel’s cheeks did not go unnoticed by you. You definitely had him right where you wanted him. Now all he needed to do was completely fall for your trap.

He stuttered as he answered you, “So what if I have never been kissed? What’s so great about kissing anyways, huh? I don’t see the big deal people have when it comes to love and kissing. I’m perfectly content never having-”

You kissed him.

It was a simple peck, no more than five seconds, as you didn’t want to get too overzealous and scare him. But even the briefest contact between your two lips had you practically soaring. It was a damn good kiss if you had to say so yourself. When you pulled away and noticed his eyes were slow to flutter open, you knew he felt the exact same way.

“There. Now you have been kissed.” You smiled smugly. “Still think emotions make you weak?”

He didn’t say anything at first. His fingertips brushed against his lips and he stared at you with half-lidded eyes. You didn’t think you had that kind of effect on him with just a simple little peck. Honestly, it made you feel flattered and more flustered.

Finally, Epel spoke, still holding that arrogant tone. “I wouldn’t say I’ve been kissed good and proper like you said. So I wouldn’t know.”

“Then let me change that.”

Never in your wildest dreams would you have imagined having a teenager make out session on a couch in the Pomefiore common room with your crush. But you're glad it was happening anyway. Perhaps now he wouldn’t think his emotions made him weak. Because you knew yours made you strong enough to love him.

[heavyhitterheaux]

You Better Call Becky With the Good Hair Part 2

Synopsis: You and Jack have now been divorced for 10 years because of you catching him cheating. The two of you get a lot more than you bargained for when someone sees an article on the internet mentioning the divorce and why it happened. Can you two overcome your past?

Pairing: Ex-Husband!Jack Harlow x Ex-Wife!Reader

Original request by: my treacherous twin @harlowsbby 😘💕

Read Part 1 First

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

“LeLe! You have ten minutes to get down here before I leave you! You’re going to make us both late!” You yell up the steps to your eleven year old daughter.

The second child that you had by Jack.

And you didn’t think there was going to be another one because of him cheating on you, but you found out right before you were able to file for divorce.

You cried for two weeks when you had found out and they definitely were not happy tears. It didn’t really hit you until you were once again holding a baby girl in your arms after being in labor for six hours.

When you originally told Jack, he obviously wanted to make it work between the two of you, but you just weren’t having it. You filed for divorce when you weren’t even two months into your pregnancy. You admit that it did add another layer of stress, but you wanted to cut as many ties as you could that held you to Jack.

But two ties that will be with you forever were your two daughters.

Even though you were upset about finding out that you were pregnant for a second time, once you saw those chubby cheeks and brown eyes you fell in love with the thought of having another mini me besides Amiyah.

He made his bed and now it was time for him to lie in it.

You happened to find out all of the information about his little fling, Rebecca Davis and couldn’t understand for the life of you what she had that you didn’t.

Until you realized,

She didn’t have a damn thing on you and your ex-husband had just been stupid.

After he got caught, he cut off all contact with her.

Or at least that’s what he told you.

“Coming mom!”

You were waiting by the door with your keys in your right hand with her lunch that you packed for her in the other.

Your oldest Amiyah lived with Jack full-time.

You admit that when she originally asked you two years ago when she was twelve that she wanted to live with him and if you were okay with it, your heart shattered. She was your little mini-me and had obviously been attached to your side since she was born. 

There was no way in the world that you would keep your children from seeing their father and vice versa.

Of course you didn’t mention to her why it seemed like there was such a disconnect between you two when at one time it was the complete opposite.

She did her best not to mention it because she noticed that despite being divorced, the two of you did still have a soft spot for one another. 

Amiyah was a daddy’s girl and there was no way of getting around it. You knew she loved you obviously, but being around Jack was top tier and you knew deep down that it hurt her being away from him for long periods of time.

It hurt you too and it had been hurting you for the past ten years. 

She was now 14 and just recently started high school and she came over every weekend and she made sure to facetime you and talk to you every day.

You knew in the back of your mind that it was only a matter of time before she found out why her parents weren’t together anymore and you were dreading it. She was getting to that age and getting more mature and knew that she was bound to ask sooner or later. 

“I’m here, I’m here!” Aaliyah said coming down the steps with her book bag and jacket in her hand.

“Mm hmm, you were up again weren’t you?” You asked while handing her the lunch you made for her as she started to make her way to the car.

“I have a history test! I want to do good on it mom!”

“I heard Netflix, but I’ll let it slide, come on.”

It was around noon and you were hanging up some new designs in your boutique when you suddenly got a call from Amiyah.

This instantly made you nervous seeing as it was school hours and she knew better than to be on her phone unless it was an emergency.

“MiMi? Are you okay?” You blurted out as you quickly sat down.

“Mommy, can you come and get me?” She only called you mommy when she was upset so you knew that this had to be a big deal.

“Bub, what’s wrong? Did something happen? Are you hurt?”

“No, just please.” She pleaded with you and you could tell that she was now crying.

“Okay, I’m coming.”

You slipped your phone in your back pocket and made your way over to where Luna and Lav were.

You opened your boutique soon after the whole cheating ordeal and Luna and Lav help you to run it on a daily basis. Homebase was in Louisville, but you had stores in New York, Miami, Atlanta, D.C, L.A., and you were working on getting one in Houston. 

“Something’s wrong with MiMi. She won’t tell me over the phone so I’m going to go get her.”

“Why didn’t she call her big ass forehead father?” Lav asked before Luna looked at her and rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know. She sounded really upset. Maybe it’s a girl thing and she needed me.”

“Well we’ll be here and we have everything covered.”

You said a quick thank you before hopping into your range rover and speeding to the high school.

When Amiyah slipped into the passenger seat, her eyes were filled with tears and you could tell that there were dry tears covering her cheeks.

“What happened MiMi?” You asked, concerned while looking at her. All she did was shake her head.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me right now. I want you to take your time and tell me when you’re ready. But for now, how about we have lunch and get our nails done?” You said while trying to wipe her tears away.

“Okay.” She quietly said before you started driving in the direction of the nearest chick-fil-a. That would always make her feel better and Jack would sometimes joke about him feeling some type of way seeing as she liked that better than KFC.

The radio was on a low volume as you were weaving through the Louisville traffic when you could see that she was looking at you.

“Mimi?”

“Thanks for coming to get me.”

“Of course. Anything for you, you’re my baby. You know that. Was your dad busy?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t call him. And Aaliyah is your baby.”

“Aaliyah is my youngest baby while you’re my oldest baby. Amiyah, let him know that you’re with me. I don’t want him to go up there when school is over and be looking for you.”

“Can you do it, please? I don’t want to talk to him.” You suddenly got a confused look on your face. In fourteen years, this was a first. 

“Baby girl, what is going on? There has never been a time when you turned down talking to your dad.”

“And I want to stay with you for the rest of the week.”

“Amiyah Margaret Harlow, you have me nervous.” You responded while pulling into a parking space.

“Please, I just… I’m mad at him.”

“Sweetheart, you have to tell him that and tell him why. How do you expect to fix things if you don’t talk about them? We taught you that.”

“I’m not ready to talk to him.”

“Okay… just… I’ll text him. Let’s just get our food.” You said while turning off the car and opening the door.

You then sent Jack a quick text so that he wouldn’t be worried and be looking for her later

You- I have Amiyah. She called me crying and asked for me to pick her up from school which I did. But she won’t tell me what’s wrong. Did something happen between the two of you recently?

Jack- Not that I can think of. She was fine this morning when I dropped her off at school.

You- She also said that she wanted to stay with me for the rest of the week and that she was mad at you. I told her that she needed to tell you this and not me.

Jack- Mad at me for what? Literally nothing out of the ordinary happened

You- I don’t know, but you need to call her later and fix this because she was crying crocodile tears when I got her earlier.

Jack- Well you focus on Amiyah and I can pick up Aaliyah. When I drop her off, I’ll talk to her.

You- Okay

“You know what you want, Mimi?”

“My usual, please.”

“You got it.”

After having lunch with you and getting a mani and pedi done, you could tell that she was still upset, but she tried not to let it show.

It was nearing 3:45 and you knew that Jack would be coming with your youngest soon and tried one more time to get information out of your oldest.

“Mimi, are you ready to talk now?” You quietly asked and turned down the television in order to hear her response.

“Um, I guess.”

“What is going on between you and your dad and why don’t you want to talk to him?”

After you asked that question, tears started to form in her eyes again and you quickly went and sat next to her and hugged her.

“Because he ruined our family.”

“What? Amiyah, we just grew apart….”

“Mommy stop making excuses. Daddy cheated on you with a lady named Rebecca and that’s why you two divorced. This is his fault why we aren’t all under one roof. And I noticed that you’re still sad all the time. You don’t date anyone and neither does he. I just want the two of you back together.”

Well, shit.

“Amiyah….”

Before you could respond to her, the doorbell rang and you hopped up to answer it.

And of course you were then face to face with your ex-husband and a bouncing bubbly Aaliyah who was sipping on a slushie from 711. She was going to be bouncing off the walls until bedtime and made a mental note to kill Jack later for that since he let her get the largest size. 

“Sorry, mommy! Forgot my key again!” She said as she stepped past you and smiled. She looked to the living room to see her older sister and she was upset and quickly went to give her a hug. You admired their relationship and how close that they were.

You then turned back to Jack and he was now looking at you concerned.

“Umm, first off, hi.” You said, trying to come to terms with what Amiyah just told you.

“Hey, you okay? Where’s Mimi?” Jack asked, trying to step past you, but you quickly pulled him back.

“She knows.” You whisper and Jack looked at you confused.

“Knows what?”

“Why we aren’t together anymore and she is upset with you.”

“How did she even find out?” Jack muttered and his heartrate had now sped up.

“It is all over the internet, Jackman if you know where to look. We did our best with trying to shield her, but there’s only so much that we can do. That’s what comes with having a father whose famous.”

“Fuck.” Jack quietly muttered and you had no idea what to even do at this point.

You then noticed how Jack’s eyes went wide and you turned around to see Amiyah giving him a death glare.

“You are such a hypocrite! You tell me not to settle when it comes to boyfriends after I got cheated on and that I deserve the best when you were out here cheating on your wife!”

“Amiyah, baby….” Jack said, pleading with her. 

“No! How could you do that to her and do that to us? Now we have to split our time between two houses, have two of every holiday all because of what you did! You weren’t thinking of us at all!”

“Amiyah! Do not raise your voice at your father!”

“Mom, how can you still take up for him after what he did to you and to us?”

“At the end of the day, he is still your father and you need to respect that.”

You suddenly heard slurping and you looked to your left to see Aaliyah looking on with wide eyes.

“Um, so can we have pizza for dinner? And daddy? I know that lady you cheated on mommy with definitely wasn’t as pretty as she is.”

—-

You had finally convinced Amiyah to talk to Jack while you went and entertained your youngest child upstairs in her room to give them two some privacy.

They were both in the living room sitting next to each other while Amiyah had her arms crossed.

“Amiyah?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry that you found out from the internet and not from me about what happened. I regret what I did every single day and I’m holding out hope that one day your mom will forgive me and take me back. I admit I was wrong and that instead of working through our problems in our marriage, I just wanted a distraction from it all and that’s what I did. I still remember the look on your mom’s face when she found out and my heart breaks every time that I think about it. I told you not to settle for less because I meant it. I guess that was my karma. Me cheating on your mom and then you getting cheated on. I never thought that I would see you in that position and the fact that I know I wouldn’t want that to happen to my daughter so why would I do that to someone else’s daughter? Been ten years since it was finalized and I still get on myself about it every day.”

“She still cries from time to time about it. I know she doesn’t think I know, but I do. I heard her talking to Aunt Lav the other day and I heard her say as much as she hates what you did that she misses you.”

“And I have no one to blame but myself for it.”

“I think she would take you back if you asked her.”

"I highly doubt it. She barely accepts the gifts that I give her for her birthday every year. And besides, it's been ten years."

That's when the wheels in Amiyah's head began turning to try and come up with a plan to get her parents back together.

“It’s been ten years, but neither of you ever dated anyone else. That counts for something. Right?”

—

Amiyah had been planning what she wanted to do for the two of you for about a week now, but she knew that she was going to have to have help. And what better people to help her than the two people who were covering up her father’s cheating ways?

Uncle Urban and Uncle Sunni.

Amiyah- Uncle Urban and Uncle Sunni we miss you. Can you pick me and Lele up from school today?

Aaliyah- Yes! Pretty pleaseeee you owe us a lunch date

Urban- anything for my girls. I'll make sure Uncle Sunni isn't late this time either

Sunni- That was ONE time 

Amiyah- One time too many smh

Amiyah had let both of you know that their uncles would be coming to get them and that they didn’t need to worry about picking up either of them from school. You decided to treat yourself and get your hair done since there was no need to rush to get either of them.

They had all finished eating and Amiyah had her arms crossed and was eyeing both of her uncles as they both looked at her confused while Aaliyah was looking at the dessert menu.

Amiyah nudged her and she knew it was game time.

"You two okay?" Sunni asked concerned while trying to figure out what was happening.

"We know what you two did and the both of you are going to help us fix it."

"What did we do?" Urban curiously asked.

"Not tell our mother that our father was cheating on her which led to their divorce."

Urban went pale

Sunni was trying not to choke on his drink 

Aaliyah was just following in her big sister's footsteps.

"They're both miserable and we want to see them back together. Well I’ve actually never seen them together since it happened when she was pregnant with me.” Aaliyah added while pointing to the picture of the molten chocolate lava dessert and scooting it towards Urban. 

"Girls this really isn't our business to intervene with this. Your parents…"

"Not intervening eleven years ago is why we're where we are now. Obviously daddy is at fault. However, you two turned a blind eye and hurt my mom in the process and it's the fact that she still cries about it to this very day. I want my entire family back under one roof." Amiyah added and the two of them knew that the girls were not about to let this go. 

“So, what exactly did you two have in mind since it doesn’t look like we’re getting out of this one.” Sunni muttered while looking at Urban. 

“First, we have to get them to spend more time with each other. I don’t know how, but I’ll make it happen. And once that happens, I want to recreate their first date that they had at Vincenzo’s.”

“Are we actually doing it at the restaurant or?”

“No, in mommy’s backyard and the two of you are responsible for setting it up while we keep them distracted. It helps that Aaliyah is with her and I’m with dad.”

“And what if this doesn’t work?” Urban asked nervous about the answer that his goddaughter was going to give him.

“It has to, because I don’t have a plan B.”

“If it doesn’t, I’ll just start crying. Usually they both fold when that happens.” Aaliyah said while digging into her dessert.

“Mom is going to kill you. You have been eating sugar nonstop all week.”

“She won’t know if you don’t tell her.”

“She’ll be able to tell because you’ll be bouncing off the walls until you go to sleep.”

“Okay so when are we starting to execute this plan?”

“Now.”

—

“Daddy, this is pretty. Do you think mom would like it? You should buy it for her.” Amiyah said while she was out with her dad to get some new shoes that she wanted and saw a necklace that had you written all over it.

“She would probably like it.” Jack answered her while shrugging and admiring the necklace at the same time.

“So buy it for her.”

“Mimi, we talked about this.”

“You have to try. I know you still want to be with her and that she wants to be with you. It’s like you’ve given up!”

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, baby girl, but she made her intentions very clear when she told me she wanted to divorce me.”

“No offense, daddy but that was 100% your fault.”

“I-...”

“Tell her how sorry you are!”

“Don’t you think I’ve already tried that? I still give her gifts on her birthday every year, still get her flowers periodically and even give her gifts on what was supposed to be our anniversary. Let it go, Amiyah.”

“But what if I don’t want to?”

“You doing this might make her more upset in the end and that’s the last thing that I want. Did you think about that?”

“Well, no. I just want to see both of you happy and right now I feel like I’m watching a very sad episode of those soap operas that grandma likes.”

“I know, but promise me you’ll stop. It’s just…”

“It’s just what? You don’t have a secret child do you?”

“AMIYAH MARGARET!”

“What?!? I was just asking!”

“It’s nothing, now let it go and stay out of grown folks business. Your mom is the only person that I've ever gotten pregnant.”

“But you two are my business. You’re my parents.”

“You definitely got that attitude from her. It has Y/N written all over it.”

Amiyah was now back to square one with her plan, but she wasn’t giving up. She instructed her baby sister to tell their mother that she missed the two of them and to invite them over for a movie night.

“MOM, PLEASE?!”

“You’ll see your dad this weekend. You can’t wait until then?” You asked while scrolling through your phone on door dash, not wanting to cook anything for the two of you tonight.

“No! I miss him and I want to see him now!” She whined and you couldn’t for the life of you figure out what was going on between the both of your daughters lately. 

“Come on, let's facetime him.”

“That’s not good enough!”

“Aaliyah, what in the world is going on with you and why are you almost twelve years old having a full blown temper tantrum?”

“I just miss daddy. I just… I never got to experience having both of you under one roof and Amiyah did. It’s just not fair.”

All you did was sigh. 

You couldn’t even be mad at her about that one.

“Okay, baby. Let’s facetime him and ask him and Amiyah to come over for movie night if he isn’t doing anything. Sound like a plan?”

“Yes.” She answered while sniffling and laid her head in your lap while you began to call him.

He picked up immediately. 

“What’s wrong? You have that look on your face.”

“Your youngest misses you and wants you to come over for movie night if you and Amiyah aren’t doing anything.”

“Let me talk to daddy! Hand me the phone please!” Aaliyah said while popping up from your lap and you quickly handed her the phone. 

“Daddy!”

“Yes, baby girl. How are you?”

“I miss you so can you and Mimi come over so we can have pizza and watch movies?”

“I miss you too, but you know that it’s a school night, right?” Jack asked while eyeing her. One thing that the two of you always prioritized was them doing well in school. 

Her smile immediately turned into a pout.

“Yes, but…”

“I’ll tell you what. Is all your homework done?”

“Yes! And I already finished studying for my test at the end of the week.”

“I expect an A on it.”

“It’s my best subject. Of course I’ll get an A.”

“Okay, we’ll be over there soon. Hand the phone back to your mom.”

“Okay!”

Aaliyah handed you back your phone and proceeded to go upstairs to her room.

“What in the world is going on with your daughters lately?” You asked while eyeing him.

“Oh, so they’re my daughters now?” Jack answered, noticing that you were wearing your favorite pair of earrings that he had bought you almost 13 years ago. 

It’s been years since he saw you wear them. 

“Yes, because they act just like you.”

“Mimi got that attitude from you. Let’s be clear about that.”

“Okay, now that I agree with but, Aaliyah was literally having a full blown temper tantrum until I called you. She hasn’t done that since she was six.”

“I wonder why.”

“She… she did say that she felt some type of way because Amiyah got to experience having two parents under one roof and she didn’t.”

“Oh. I can imagine that’s hard on her.”

“Yeah, but um.. You two can come over when you’re ready.”

“I’ll pick up pizza for us. Be there soon.”

“Okay.”

“IS THAT MOM?!” You heard Amiyah yell in the background before she proceeded to grab Jack’s phone without waiting for an answer.

“Hi my baby. It’s me.”

“I got an A on my science project!”

“Was that the one that I helped you with?”

“Yes, because all daddy can help me with is music class.”

“HEY! I HEARD THAT!”

“I got my brains from mom! We all know this!”

“Give your dad some credit, he’s smart too when he wants to be.”

“Y/N! Outta pocket!” Jack exclaimed and all you did was laugh.

“Hurry up and get here you two.”

“Aaliyah, baby, not again!” Jack exclaimed as she decided that she wanted to watch Encanto.

“But it’s my favorite and the two of you used to sing the songs to me when I was younger!”

“That’s all you ever pick! Do something else!” Amiyah said while stuffing her face with pizza.

“Fine, Encanto, the sing along version.”

“AALIYAH!”

“Okay fine! Princess and the Frog!”

“Now we’re talking!” Amiyah answered since that was her favorite Disney movie. The two of them purposely sat next to each other and spread out across the couch so that you and Jack had no choice but to sit next to each other too.

After the movie had gone off, you had mercy on your youngest child and let her watch Encanto next, before the girls knew it, the two of you were sleeping with Jack’s arm wrapped around you and your head was on his chest.

“Mimi, take a picture. We’re going to need this later.”

"They look so cute!"

You woke up by the sound of your two daughters and it seemed like they were arguing.

“No, Aaliyah! Not like that! Here let me help you!”

“But I can do it!”

“You’re going to drop it because it’s too heavy. You carry that and I’ll get this. Come on before they wake up.”

You were startled to find that you were in fact cuddled up against your ex-husband with your head on his chest and his arm wrapped around you and it was light outside.

“Good morning parents!” Amiyah exclaimed while setting a tray of food down in front of the two of you.

“What time is it?” Jack asked with his eyes still closed.

“Umm 9.”

“Wait a minute! You two should be in school!” Jack said, fully alert and looking at the two of them. Aaliyah noticed that his arm was still wrapped around you and smiled to herself.

“Umm, you see what had happened was…”

“Amiyah Margaret!”

“We forgot to set our alarms! We can stay home and have a family day, right?!” She asked hopeful.

“Just this once.”

“Good, because I have an entire day planned out for us.”

You and Jack immediately groaned.

“She got that from you.” Jack whispered and you immediately laughed.

“Did not, that is definitely all you.”

—

Over the next two months, you and Jack had been spending more and more time with each other and the girls as a family and reality was starting to hit you with how much you missed him.

You were now looking at your wedding album pictures with you and Jack and trying not to cry. It was two in the morning and you couldn’t sleep. 

Aaliyah got up to go to the bathroom and saw your bedroom light on and knocked on the door.

“Mommy, can I come in? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, baby, come in.” You answered her while quickly wiping away your tears so she wouldn’t see you.

“Why aren’t you asleep?”

“I saw your light on when I went to the bathroom. What are you looking at?” She curiously asked and knew that there was no use in hiding from her.

“My wedding pictures.”

“I’ve never seen them before!”

“You want to see them? Come here.” You said and patted the space next to you and she immediately hopped up.

You turned all the way to the beginning and she was mesmerized.

“You look so pretty and… so happy.”

“I was. I definitely was.”

“Daddy looks so handsome and so excited to marry you.”

“It was an amazing day. We were actually scared that it was going to rain, since it had rained all week, but on the day of the wedding it didn’t.”

“Oh, Uncle Urban always had long hair, I see.”

“He has for the most part and he was your daddy’s best man.”

“And there’s Uncle Sunni next to him.”

“I want to show you this one, I think you’ll like it.”

You turned to the picture that showed you and Jack laying next to one another. You were looking into the camera, but Jack’s eyes were focused on you. Your youngest was already a hopeless romantic so you knew that she would love it.

“Mommy?”

“Yeah, bub?”

“Daddy still looks at you like that when you aren’t paying attention.” 

It was now time for the final part of the plan and Amiyah and Aaliyah were responsible for getting both you and Jack to the backyard by 7 pm.

School had let out last week for the summer and the girls had requested that they had dinner with their parents in the backyard because of how nice it was outside.

Aaliyah was currently trying to get you to put on a dress that was similar to what you had worn on your first date with Jack while Amiyah was trying to do the same thing for him.

“You should definitely wear this one.” Aaliyah said while going into your closet and picking the dress off of the rack.

“Umm, why? It’s just going to be us, your sister, and your dad. I would usually wear that when going out to dinner, not staying in.”

“But it would look so pretty and do your hair how you had it last week. Daddy loves when you wear it like that.”

“Aaliyah, what are you up to?” You curiously asked because the last part of her statement threw you off. Since when did she notice that Jack liked your hair like that and why did she care?

“Nothing, just want you to dress up. You haven’t done it in a while and I know how happy it makes you. I’m going to wear my dress that’s similar to this one. Can you put my hair in a high ponytail when I’m ready?”

“Sure baby. Go get ready because they’ll be here soon.”

You took a quick shower and moisturized with your lavender lotion to help calm you down.

Were you actually nervous to be around your ex-husband?

You were staring at the dress that Aaliyah had laid out for you on your bed debating on whether you were going to put it on or not.

A sigh escaped from your lips as you slipped it on along with a pair of your white sandals and proceeded to sit at your vanity to start to do your hair and make up. You were thinking how you had worn it last week and then you suddenly had a realization.

The style was similar to the one that you wore on your wedding day.

As you were finishing up, Aaliyah came into your room wearing a dress similar to yours like she promised, except hers was a light purple.

“Are you ready? Amiyah text me that they’re on their way.”

“Just about, now let me do your hair for you.”

After you finished doing her hair for her, she ran down the steps as she heard the doorbell in order to answer it while you were still trying to calm your nerves.

“MOMMY! COME ON! WE’RE HUNGRY!” You heard Amiyah yell from downstairs and decided that it was now or never.

You walked downstairs to see Jack also dressed up in a similar outfit that he wore on your first date and simply eyed your daughters who had the biggest smiles on their faces.

“I-... they made you dress up too?” You asked while looking at him and took everything in you to not hop on him right then and there.

You were done with not being honest with yourself. 

You missed your ex-husband. 

“Amiyah wouldn’t let me leave the house until I did. She actually made me change my outfit because I was wearing something else before.”

“Well, you look nice.”

Actually he looked fine as fuck, but you didn’t want to say that in front of the girls. 

“And so do you. Love when you do your hair like that.”

“I told you, mommy!” Aaliyah whispered to you and you simply smiled.

“Okay, now that we’re all here, follow us.”

“What in the world are you two up to?” Jack asked as both of you followed them to the backyard where you saw Sunni and Urban also dressed up.

“Welcome to Vincezo’s de la Harlow! Your servers tonight will be Uncle Sunni and Uncle Urban! We have a four-course meal ready for you! Have a seat at the table and we’ll bring out your drinks. We know daddy doesn’t drink alcohol, so I hope sparkling water is okay.”

Both of your jaws were on the floor.

“Go on! Don’t just stand there, sit down!” Amiyah said while smiling at her parents.

The two of you walked over to the table and Jack pulled out your chair for you before going to sit across from you.

“Uhhh Urban, Sunni? What did my daughters threaten you with to make you do this?” You asked while looking over at both of them.

“Uh, nothing. They just wanted our help.” Urban answered you while trying not to mention the fact that they knew that he and Sunni had known about Jack’s cheating ways and didn’t say anything to you. 

“You seriously recreated our first date?” Jack asked while looking around at the decorations around the backyard.

“This was all them, they came up with the plan and simply asked for our help.” Sunni added while shrugging.

Amiyah came and sat two glasses filled with sparkling water in front of each of you before Urban and Sunni went back in the house which you assumed was to get the food.

“When in the world did they have time to do this? This was happening in my backyard and I literally heard nothing.”

“They probably did it while you were at the boutique earlier.”

Just then Sunni placed a plate of fried mozzarella between the two of you.

Same thing that you had on your first date.

“Wait, Sunni did you actually make this or?”

“Y/N, come on. Since when do I cook? This actually is from Vincenzo’s so the two of you won’t be poisoned by my lack of cooking skills.”

“I was just curious.” You said while holding up your hands in defense. 

When Sunni walked away, it left the two of you alone.

It wasn’t an awkward silence, but you were wishing that Jack would say something.

“I now see that they’ve been planning this for months.”

“Planning what?”

“They want us back together. Did you notice that they’ve been wanting to spend more time with us? I think this is the most time we’ve spent together since before we were divorced.” Jack said while reaching for another piece of fried mozzarella. 

“And the time where Aaliyah had a temper tantrum because she missed you? Movie night? Then probably purposely not setting their alarms to spend the day with us? It makes sense.”

“Aaliyah told me that you showed her our wedding pictures not too long ago.”

“I did. And that was actually the first time that I’ve looked at them in ten years.”

“I would’ve thought that you would have put it in a place where you knew that you would forget about them.”

“Why? Why would I do that?”

“Don’t you regret marrying me?”

“No, not even for a second. That thought has NEVER crossed my mind. Besides giving me my two beautiful girls, I’m still very thankful to have been married to you.”

“That feels good to hear you say.”

“Despite what happened and why it ended, there should be no doubt in your mind how much I love you and how much I care about you still. That just doesn’t go away overnight.”

“And apparently it doesn’t go away in ten years either. But we’ve done a good job with co-parenting them.”

“I agree.”

“Wait, did you say you love me and care about me? Like present tense?” Jack asked suddenly, having a realization of what you had just said.

You simply nodded.

“You do not know how hard it was for me to file for divorce. I found out that I was pregnant and my mind was on overdrive. At that time, I didn’t think that I would regret it.”

“How do you feel about it now?”

“Before Aaliyah came in and saw the wedding pictures, I was looking at them and crying and thinking to myself where did I go wrong to have you cheat on me?”

“No, absolutely not. You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t ever think that. I was just so wrapped up in focusing on myself, I forgot what was really important and that was you. I regret doing that every single day. All I ever wanted was for you to find somewhere in your heart to forgive me for treating you like that.”

“But I have forgiven you. I forgave you a long time ago because it was not doing me any good to hold onto that hurt. The best thing for me was to move on.”

“But you haven’t moved on, neither of us have.”

“Because I knew deep down that I couldn’t imagine myself being married to anyone else.”

After the two of you had finished dessert, you were simply looking up at the stars that were covering the sky and sighed to yourself.

“I have to ask…” You heard Jack say and you looked over at him to give him your full attention.

“Ask, what?”

“Could we maybe go out on an actual date? Without our girls around? You said that you forgave me for what I did, so I’m asking for a second chance.”

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[histrions]

hi! ♡ this is neve ( she/her ) and i've brought to you blush boutique's owner, nam yeonji. since she's been in ansong for twenty five years, you best believe she has done a lot of things since then! feel free to read her about and memories here. more ( like, a lot more ) details on her can also be found under the cut. and before i forget, drop a like on this post if you're up for some plotting! ( ps. i'm so happy to be here and please do expect me to be very annoying in your ims soon! )

ansong

tried dropping all of her items down at the building's lost and found. sure, she had that familiarity in her heart but what the hell would she do with a children's make-up kit? bffr.

she spent ten whole years studying at ansong university, majoring in fashion design, creative writing, then visual arts. still likes painting and reading to this day. (her subconscious was probably pushing her to do so because she barely graduated high school in her waking life.)

about fifteen years ago, she opened blush boutique and the rest is history. thanks to it, she was able to unlock her first core memory too. (her first collection was inspired by the color palette of the aforementioned children's make-up kit.)

purposefully moved to floor #09 unit #09 to try and figure out what her "nine" notecard means. (spoiler alert: nothing good.)

for now, the only thing she remembers of her past is that she was very close to her grandmother.

personality

looks like a bitch, sounds like a bitch, is a bitch. i was originally going to make her less complicated but where's the fun in that!

success has always been the most important thing to her and it's no different now; take a look at her degrees or her boutique. pushes herself hard and pushes others even harder.

the beautiful thing about her is that no matter how cold or intimidating she may be, she mostly just doesn't know how to interact with people. she doesn't necessarily want to be rude, but she also doesn't care enough to apologize and try harder when she fucks up... so, you know. she sucks but not that much.

on the bright side, she's nice to party with! just don't work at blush or get too close to her and you will be fine! i think.

in my head, she has the same energy as that one annoying coworker who comments on everything you do and spreads gossip for fun. i support women's rights and wrongs.

another slightly concerning thing she does is people-watching. doesn't try to be subtle about it either. if you think she's judging you, she most likely is.

but she's not all bad! (please don't give up on her pleaseplaeasepelapselease)

very creative. puts a lot of thought and effort into everything. extremely loyal, both to her craft and to those she loves. doesn't lie or pretend; always very straightforward about her intentions. if you're her friend, you will never feel unappreciated! you will be showered in gifts and that's a threat. just don't expect words of affirmation from her because she doesn't have the slightest idea how to do that.

connection ideas

any antagonistic plots, obviously! she called your outfit ugly, stole your cat, hit on your boyfriend/girlfriend at a bar, etc.

rivals. maybe another business owner who gets on her nerves.

that one unlikely friend who is all "i can fix her" and it grosses her out.

if you need a low maintenance friend, you have found her! your muse could ghost her for years and she wouldn't even notice.

anyone who is into art in general! if you nerd out with her, you might see a better side of her, just saying!

let's give her another weird ex! she can't remember the one from her waking life so it's okay. <3

or anything else you want. i'm all ears!

and now, onto the part you're probably curious about!

trigger warnings: brief mentions of abuse (child, domestic, and alcohol), depression, suicidal ideation, and murder.

life and death

let me set the scene: late 70s, jeju city. baby yeonji's parents, living their best life thanks to grandma yeonji, so much so that they even named their only child after her. thing is, her grandmother was one of the most successful actresses of her time, which allowed the family to live luxuriously.

naturally, this privilege also came with its own set of expectations. her grandmother and mother were both adamant that yeonji goes down the acting route herself.

(this was mostly to make up for the fact that her mother never succeeded as an actress. passing down generational trauma, the tragedy of being a daughter, etcetera. you know how it goes.)

so yeonji became a child actress, constantly missing school just to keep up with her work. by her early 20s, she started to win awards of her own. acted in a lot of romance k-dramas, which she absolutely hated.

her then boyfriend (who is unnamed for plot purposes but also because i hate his ass) proposed to her at an award ceremony (way to make it about yourself, buddy) and the two got married soon after.

long story short, their relationship turned really abusive and yeonji started drinking. she would also frequently call suicide hotlines as she felt like she had lost control over her life. (or that she never had any to begin with.)

just a minute before the clock struck midnight on new years' eve in '99, yeonji had an argument with her husband and was pushed off a balcony. (not so fun fact: the nine notecard refers to the year and the number of floors she fell down.)

currently thinking about how both her grandmother and mother outlived her but.. that is a heartache for another day..

if you read this far, have this lore accurate yeonji depiction:

[dreaming-jun-chu]

Me and a friend were talking about how weak it is to make Sozin, Azulon and Ozai homophobic because "Evil" by the creators of ATLA.

Whether people like it or not, Homophobia *always* stems from somewhere.

In the West, homophobia came to be from an interpretation of one of the Ten Commandments ("Thou shalt not lie with man as one would a woman.") Obviously, its not an interpretation that is sper compatible with today's society; but this is the source of how we came to it.

From what I've gathered about homophobia in the East, its a combination of Confucianism and Christian influence. Confucianism focuses on family and on it quite heavily.

Instead of randomly making the Fire Lords that way because theyre evil men, show how same sex relationships were discouraged in the Fire Nation through propaganda.

Sozin was quite militaristic and wanted to spread the reign of the Fire Nation. He would have encouraged his citizens to be in opposite sex relationships through things like

- incentives on creating more children of the Fire Nation

- showing how strong the royal family is because the Fire Lord and Fire Lady is the beacon of a perfect Fire Nation Family

- using the Air Nomads' family dynamic (who were implied to be communal) as a reason why they were overpowered and "weak". They didnt have the strong "family dynamic" as the Fire Nation.

- tax cuts on those who have multiple children

Things like that. Its not necessarily a evil thing, but it has a place AND narratively, it makes sense.

Randomly putting it in with no true worldbuilding rhyme or reason is weak storytelling and not a twist.

As I go back and analyze the storytelling by the creators vs the writing team of the original series clearly shows the creators are fairly Black and White in their understanding of why things are morally wrong. Its never that clear cut.

Its always shades of gray.

Its disappointing

Word of God is not enough in this case and should be shown through a lens of "what would a Fire Lord hellbent on taking over the other nations do to encourage people to multiply more Fire Nation citizens??"

We have real life examples to draw from.

[waltwhitmansbeard]

"When's the last time you slept?" For beauyasha please!

3. "When's the last time you slept?" tw: child abuse

Yasha hates when Beau gets like this. Or, maybe she loves it—it's complicated. It'd be easier if she knew what her wife was up to, if she understood the reason for the late nights and the half-finished sentences and the absolutely atrocious way Beau's undercut is growing out because she doesn't have ten minutes to spare for a shave. But she doesn't, because Beau is bound by "ethics" or whatever. It's super annoying.

So Yasha endures. She packs lunches that don't get eaten and washes blood out of clothes. She cooks dinners for two and eats them alone. She pulls Beau's face away from the report she can barely read by the moonlight, asks, "When's the last time you slept?" and pretends to believe the lie she's fed. In the silences, she prays to Kord, asks him to watch out for her hurricane of a wife.

Her prayers are answered the night the front door blows in, Beau already halfway through a hysterical sentence. Yasha has to force her to take a breath, a sip of water, before she can attempt to translate her wife's ecstatic rambling.

"What do you mean you got him? Got who?"

Over the next hour, she learns about a man who spent nearly a decade luring children out of orphanages to experiment on them, subjecting them to all manner of physical and magical horrors in order to develop arcane discoveries he could then sell to the elite of the Empire. Beau and her team at the Soul have been twisting themselves into knots to build the case against him, resulting in the late nights and torturous nightmares that kept Beau so far for so long.

Yasha brings Beau's knuckles to her lips. "I'm so proud of you, obviously, but I wish you'd told me about this before. I could have been helping you."

"But you have been helping me," Beau insists. "Everyday, I came home to someone untouched by the shit I knew, the shit I saw. If I had to know what these kids went through, I was never going to subject you to it, too."

So silly, her wife, so brave and so selfless. "But I want to know. Your ghosts are my ghosts, remember?" She fiddles with the ring on Beau's left hand.

Beau smiles ruefully. "I just really wanted to get this guy, Yash. And now he's going to fucking rot and these kids can get some help and I can get some sleep."

"And sleep you will." Yasha stands, tugging Beau up with her. Beau flops into her side. "If I see you awake again before noon tomorrow, I'm knocking you unconscious myself."

"Don't threaten me with a good time." But the joke lands flat as Beau yawns halfway through it. Yasha just rolls her eyes and tugs her hero toward the bedroom, grateful to have her safe and here once more.

[nobodyexpectsthe]

misc headcanon. pirith's family & general pre-inquisitor history.

parents

his mother was a dalish elf named danae. her clan had been nearly wiped out when she was small and what remained had been absorbed into clan lavellan. she was a hunter and scout for the clan and she was even more aggressively dalish than pirith would come to be. she hated humans, looked down her nose at city elves, and was best described as abrupt but more aptly called rude. painfully practical, stoic, a provider in every sense of the word.

his father was a city elf named declan. contrasting his eventual wife, declan was a dreamer with his head in the clouds. he was a voracious reader and longed to see the world outside the alienage walls and live a life where he wasn't shamed for being an elf... but he was also a little stupid. he eventually concocted a scheme to run away to par vollen and becoming a qunari spy. when this obviously terrible plan obviously failed (he got lost in the woods) he met danae and fell in love with her at first sight.

she did not feel the same.

in fact, she thought he was a sad wet rag of a man and didn't want anything to do with him. but she saved him because it was the right thing to do and brought him to deshanna who welcomed him to stay with them while they were in the area. the expectation was that he would eventually grow tired of the dalish ways and leave, as so many did, but she offered him the chance to learn.

and he did. while he'd scorned the idea of the dalish in the city, and struggled for a while without the few creature comforts he was accustomed to, he found himself thriving. he wanted to learn all their culture and history. all the while attempting to (respectfully) court danae in the ways of the city, which she did not understand nor appreciate. however, there was a kindness to him that slowly brought down her walls. still, she didn't let him into her heart, certain she'd wake up one day and find him gone back to his familiar cage.

so she didn't let herself fall for him right away. it wasn't until she caught him telling their legends to the clan's children like they were her own that she finally let herself believe that he was staying. he asked her one final time to marry him, and instead of turning him down outright, she told him of the custom the clan had for marriage. they had to craft a pair of rings made from halla horn, and it had to be willingly given by the elf's bonded halla. if her halla approved then the marriage would go ahead, if he refused to give up even a tiny piece of the horn then he had to give up.

she expected he'd leave because her halla friend was a particularly aggressive buck that already did not like him. but he simply nodded, and told her even if he failed he wasn't going anywhere. this was his home now, and even if she didn't love him like he loved her, she had given him this home.

he composed a poem about his love for her and read it to the creature, who had lowered his head to offer him a tine of his horns well before he was done reading. but he wanted all the words out for the clan to hear, so they knew the purity of his commitment and intentions.

by the end of it, danae had broken down into tears and thrown herself into his arms. declan insisted on passing his trial to officially join the clan (which as he already was in her eyes, deshanna requested he prove his skill as a craftsman by crafting their rings) and received his vallaslin (june) and they wed.

declan found his place in the clan as their storyteller, which is where pirith got his knack for it. and his ability to lie without missing a beat.

brothers

pirith was born not long after (and was the only son his father was allowed to have input in naming) and then less than a year after him, his brother selen was born.

( deshanna had some words with them about being careful and so their final son did not come until ten years later. )

pirith had a genuinely good childhood full of love. it can be said he got his mother's mild personality and his father's silver tongue, while his younger brother selen got his father's brashness and his mother's direct nature. the two of them were thick as thieves and were rarely seen apart. the clan frequently compared the two to the tales of falon'din and dirthamen.

selen is pirith's opposite in many ways. while pirith is quiet and cautious by nature, selen is loud and prone to making impulsive decisions. selen frequently got the both of them into trouble, and pirith would talk their way out of it.

their youngest brother, ilnarel, came along shortly after pirith turned ten. for a few months the family was happy and complete. pirith took to the role of oldest brother like a duck to water, seeking out more responsibility where he could. the family joked that ilnarel may well have been pirith's baby with how insistent he was upon helping.

and then the joke became unfortunate reality.

a sickness swept through the clan. mercifully all three boys did not fall ill, but declan and danae were not so lucky. the clan was on the orlsian border at the time and due to their experiences with orlsian clans, the locals refused to barter with the elves when they went to them seeking medicines and supplies. though they fought valiantly, they did not recover.

pirith was with them with they passed. they were buried together. he told the story of falon'din and the halla to ease his and selen's grief.

at ten, pirith was suddenly the oldest member of his family. ilnarel was only a few months old, and selen felt things too strongly to weather what was happening. this is where many of the personality traits that served him as inquisitor later in life began to take shape.

selen did help, but pirith did not want to burden him overmuch and took on the brunt of ilnarel's care.

in truth, pirith considers ilnarel more his son than his brother. he raised that boy from diapers when he was a child himself. though the rest of the clan pitched in to help and did, pirith did not want to lean on them too hard.

shortly after his eleventh birthday, pirith discovered he had the gift of magic. this was a huge boon to the clan, as the disease had wiped out both their first and second. deshanna, who had been helping care for the boys, took a more active role in their lives as pirith's training needed to shift from artisanry and hunting to studying his gift.

shortly after that, another boy in the clan uncovered his magic. his name was brasas and he was a few years older than pirith. selen and pirth tended to be a little insular, with selen doing nearly all of the talking when talking was required, and so it was his first time truly making a friend outside of his brother. brasas was like pirith, mild tempered and thoughtful, though he had a wilder edge.

selen came into his powers not long after. this was a brief point of anxiety, as the boys had heard that some clans only allow two magically gifted students at one time. and while it was true some dalish clans took issue with having too many mages, clan lavellan's keeper did not. she intended to keep all three boys under her care.

these plans went awry at the arlathven. pirith and selen were thirteen, ilnarel was three.

another clan demanded that clan lavellan give up it's newest mage to them, as they had lost all of their magically gifted except the keeper to the same disease. the other keepers applied pressure until deshanna agreed to their terms, telling herself it would be better for selen as she had already decided pirith was to be her first, with brass as her second. selen's talents would have gone to waste.

separated, the brothers remembered the stories of falon'din and dirthamen being separated by the veil. they swore that next arlathven they would have earned their place within their clans and would be sporting the vallaslin of their respective patrons.

this left pirith to raise ilnarel on his own.

brother to parent

as mentioned, ilnarel is more pirith's son than his brother. his affection is extremely paternal, as is his worry.

though both deshanna and brasas helped him, pirith was still the primary caregiver and he excelled at it. he loves his little brother endlessly and has done all he can to protect him from the world, which is not an easy feat when it seems out to get them.

there are numerous instances, but the most apparent was when the clan moved too close to tevinter's borders and were attacked by slavers. pirith split his focus, sacrificing half his magical strength in order to keep his brother secured in a shield and away from the fighting. though he knew they'd been attacked, ilnarel never saw the corpses of elves and men, and not the bruises covering pirith's body from when he'd been overpowered and nearly savaged.

because of this, ilnarel has not known the fear of humans as pirith has. and, being a teenager, he's more open-hearted and open-minded about the potential of living side by side with mankind in the forests.

ilnarel knows that pirith endures more than he shows. he longs to prove to his brother that he can handle more than pirith gives him and he's not a baby anymore.

it's for ilnarel's sake that pirith began insisting they break tradition and barter with humans so they have supplies readily available should something go wrong. the trauma of losing his parents to the scarcity of resources and human discrimination taught him to sacrifice much of his pride and prioritize working relationships with people who hate them over cutting them off on principal. he hates that he does this, and his habit of going out of his way to appear more dalish started well before he was elevated to inquisitor, but it works. they have open trade lines for medicine and food with most of the city-states they settle near rather than relying on being entirely self-sufficient.

he lacks his brother's affinity for magic and wants to be a hunter. he was to receive his vallaslin early for passing his hunting initiation ceremony, but the conclave pushed it back. selen wanted pirith to give him his markings as it would be pirith's first time performing the ceremony on his own.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW

ilnarel is fifteen when the incident at wycome occurs. he can be one of three things.

dead, his body was burned with the city elves rather than being returned to the inquisitor as he had no vallaslin to mark him as dalish.

alive, rescued from the venatori and kidnapped/working with the antivan crows. this opens up the possibility for ilnarel to be rook. he is going under an assumed identity for his own safety, as pirith as a great many enemies who would love a way to hurt him.

lost and desperately trying to find his way to skyhold to reach pirith

selen is pirith's age and is first of clan ghilasara. he is still alive.

his relationship with pirith deteriorates upon finding out his brother has become the herald of andraste. it worsens significantly after what happened to ilnarel, and deteriorates almost beyond repair should pirith tell him the truth of what he's learned as inquisitor.

still, selen does love his brother and wants the best for him. he just does not believe pirith has a place with the dalish any longer.

[cherryxcadbury]

Social Media

as you could prob guess, this has to do with the ongoing case. The comments on social media are so fucking disgusting to the victim. Some have said,

“Some women will do anything for money.”

“Careers getting ruined yearly cuz women don’t get punished.”

“Women on their way to ruin men’s sport because no one watches them.”

and these aren’t even the horrible comments, many are ten times worse. There are also obviously a lot of “oh he’d never do that he’s a good Muslim”, but I’m not getting into that.

Listen, I absolutely loved Hakimi, but after spending quite some time reviewing the news, I’ve chosen to support the victim with everything that’s been release because god knows very few people in the football community on social media are supporting her.

If you want to believe Hakimi’s innocent, then go ahead, I’m not in the slightest telling you what to do, nothing has been confirmed or revealed yet. My opinion is guilty until proven innocent in this given situation because of how the police dept has chosen to pursue the case despite the women begging it to not be.

But this is no bloody excuse to shame a potential victim for coming forward. If it does end up being a lie, then what can you do. But for now, my love and support is with her.

Remember to be kind. Loyalty to someone does not at all give the right to go bash another person just because they’re seen as “opposition”, or “destroying their career.” My sympathy also goes out to Hiba and their two children especially for this potentially life altering change that may be upon them.

If anyone, and I mean anyone at all (you don’t have to share the same opinion as me), needs to talk about something, is having trouble coping, has anything they need to share at all, my inbox & dms are open for all❤️

for the time being, I won’t be writing anything for hakimi or kylian until more light is shed on the situation. If this offends you, feel free to unfollow❤️

thank you guys again 4 the love & support. and again, may the truth prevail 🤍🧸

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

ok im the same anon as the one who talked abt y/n parents and im here to talk abt them again.

"These children’s energies are so dark that you would have mistaken them for a different colour. Why are these children so sad? Your mom and dad rush downstairs and your dad ushers both you and Spencer outside before you have a chance to ask them anything." I have a feeling that maybe y/n's parents are abusing them or torturing them, and my guts is leaning towards sexual abuse actually. It was already suspicious that they were fostering so much children and the fact that y/n says "You’re still fostering children?” in shock is like she believed that would have stopped already as fostering children is no easy task. there is obviously some sort of motive back there and her father is not helping his case when he tries to veer y/n off the topic of him fostering children. and this proves he is guilty or something. i know you said y/n completely trusts her parents but i have a feeling this has something do with stockholm syndrome which is a psychological condition where a victim finds it easy to empathise with their captor or abuser. (i study medicine and psychology) this could be a reason why she trusts them so blindy.

“Why don’t you stay here so we can catch up?” Your dad places his hand on your shoulder and squeezes it. For some reason, Spencer doesn’t like that. “Spencer can pick you up in the morning.” and "He keeps a watchful eye on your dad. He hugs you, but his hands are low on your back–too low for Spencer’s liking. It’s almost like your dad is groping your ass. It could be just him, but something isn’t right here" This two parts are just so suspicious, and honestly it reminds me of a pedophile. and this brings me back to the time she mentioned she was raped and had gotten pregnant. i reread that part and it doesn't makes sense to me. if i were a parent and my child told me she had gotten pregnant, even if it was a prank or if she were young, my first instinct is to ask her what happened and who was it. and honestly how her parents reacted were genuinely concerning psychologically. "The whole time, your parents listened with concerned ears, but as soon as you were done, both their demeanours changed. "You know, it's not nice to lie about things like that, Y/N," your mother scowls. "This is not the time for one of your stories," your dad adds "But I'm not lying! This really happened! "I'm serious young lady, stop with the stories." " Them not believing her because she is ten is one thing, but telling her that she was lying and that, in her father's words by the way, that "lying about stuff like this can ruin people's lives. It makes them look bad because people will believe anything, but it also makes you look bad because they know you're a liar. Now, enough with the theatrics and go get cleaned up for dinner." this sentence just puts me off so much, it's almost like while they are so protective of y/n having a boyfriend, they don't seem to care much about her or more like they were trying to hide something and it leads me to believe that instead of talking about y/n r*pers, it is somehow about them projecting what he feels in that sentence because for some reason, it oddly feels personal like he is telling her it would ruin his life. it doesn't feel right and i also lowkey feel like a profiler right now. i have a feeling the reason why they didn't make the reports abt y/n's r*pe, is because then the police would investigate about her parents and the assaulters which would make them on fbi records. and if they do become suspects in a particular case, and if they have something to hide, everything would be revealed.

and while some people may believe her parents are protecting her from the truth, thus not allowing her to be an fbi, i seriously doubt that is the truth and if they are hiding something, then i have a reason to believe the reason is not to protect her, but them. because if y/n knew then she would investigate it, whether by herself or with the team ( i believe the former is more likely ), and her parents would be in trouble. also the fact that her mom made her send away hannah as they have "too much foster kids" why do they keep fostering kids then? and that fact that even y/n feels that "There’s something about this house that doesn’t sit right with you. After spending one night here, you feel fear and sadness… but why? Shouldn’t these kids be happy they’re here and getting adopted? When you were a kid, kids came quickly and left quicker. You never got to spend time with the other kids long enough to form relationships with them. You’re the only biological kid of your parents, but they’ve always wanted more." the question here is why? why would they want more and why is that they are in fear like there is something going on behind the scenes. forming relationships with them seems out of the question as the kids don't stay long or in other words "left quicker". and this reminds me of "the promised neverland" actually. "Like, why don’t you hear laughter in the hallway? Why do the kids like to cower in their rooms? Why are they quick to do their chores, but spend hours doing something that should take thirty minutes?" the fact that i thought of the same thing is actually so real because it is genuinely so suspicious in a way where i can't wrap my head around it. y/n also mentioned something which is that she paused in the middle of the stairs to look at the pictures on the wall. and she realised that they’re all of her, when she were a baby, early toddler years, late childhood era, etc. some of them are even younger pictures are of her running around in the backyard naked with the sprinklers on, and others are of y/n and her dad cuddling on the couch. and mind you that none of these pictures contain her own mother. and honestly this is so freaky, like having pics of you child is one thing, but having pictures of your child only without you wife is another thing and its not even just normal pictures, like if i were them, i would put like graduation photos or achievement photos or maybe even a family photo but its photos of y/n being naked and her and her dad cuddling? yes maybe it is him just being affectionate but honestly this feels more than a child pedophile case and the way he hangs them in the middle of the stairs, it is almost like he enjoys looking at them whenever he walks pass and if this doesn't pulls an alarm trigger in y/n's head, i don't know what will.

moving on y/n mentioned that "The kids don’t look at you when you enter, they stiffen at your presence." why? i have a feeling y/n's parents have something to do with this. most times this happens due to abuse, whether verbal or physical and i have a strong feeling it's both. maybe y/n is known to be the "favourite child" and her parents make the kids know that one way or another. or maybe they are scared she might be like her parents. "You get no response from them. Why are they so scared?" i know i repeated this so many times but it all links back to y/n's parents being abusive. and also this conversation is just so frustrating because when y/n asked for the boy's name, he says it is james but her father shuts him down and says his name is joshua. now at this point even y/n is getting suspicious because she was questioning if he just standing there listening in because it seems too convenient that he would pop up right as she was asking questions. He says that "Josh has a big imagination. His favorite superhero is named James, and he loves dressing up as him and pretending he is him. He gets confused a lot.” You scrunch your face up in confusion, and your dad clasps his hands together eagerly. “Okay, breakfast time is over. You all have your morning chores to do.” which makes all three kids pack up their things quickly before leaving the kitchen in a hurry but as Joshua passes by y/n, he mutters “my name is james.” which leaves her in suspicion about this whole thing.

continuing, y/n brought the necklace she found in the rubble of her apartment after it was burned down but what is intriguing is that when she set the necklace on the kitchen island right in his eye line, He immediately stiffens the moment he looked at it yet he doesn’t say anything. i forgot what happened but i feel y/n was either meant to die that day and her parents (or dad) knew she was withholding information or at least getting too close to finding out something so she has to go. but this is completely out of their style especially with how her dad loves y/n. also why are her parents always on the move, it almost like they don't stick to one place because of something. im not too sure but that is all i got

also could i be anon 🦊/⛸ hehe

ooooh you're so fun to talk to. the diabolical smile on my face as i was reading this. all i'm gonna say is that her parents aren't normal and they definitely have something up their sleeves *cue evil laugh*

you coin the term anonymous fox? 🦊 i'm not sure what the other emoji is (a ice skating shoe?) but i can definitely call you foxy anon from now on

[prosperdemeter2]

So I feel a little dumb because it just clicked that you were the same person who wrote the Rewrite series, Day by Day series, No one knew series etc etc. I have no idea why it never clicked before lol. I’ve read them all, some a few times, left comments on them, I even mentioned how Rewrite was my now top 3 favorite buddie fics on Ao3 on one of the chapters. Obviously read the author name on them all, but still never actually connected the dots until the bts on day by day series I just read ☠️ so now that it has connected I can easily say your my top 3 favorite buddie authors as well!

Anywho, can I humbly submit for day by day either a pov change for Adriana during her and Eddie’s big fight (either the hospital after the accident or his backyard ) or bts of your favorite part in the Day by Day series. Or if I can be greedy and ask for both I will 😅😂 otherwise I am perfectly fine with which ever option you decide to go with!

Oh my god, don’t feel dumb at all. You’re so sweet and I’m so happy you enjoyed all of those series so far! It means so much that you’ve read them and taken the time to comment and the time to bring it up and follow and engage here! I can’t thank you enough for that. It’s crazy to think that people my like my writing that much. 

I really wish I had the energy to give you both tonight gosh sufhsdfh. I hope a BTS is enough? I just finished a run after working and I have dinner on so I figured this is the perfect time to try and answer this. 🙂

This argument. This argument! I wasn’t sure which big argument you would prefer so I’m going to go into the one at the hospital because oh my gooooooood I had some lines in that that I absolutely broke myself writing. It’s directly after the Sunday scene of Buck and Eddie’s fight which I wish I could say I did on purpose but really it just ended up being there. I remember sitting on my couch writing it at, like, ten at night when I had work the next day and this being when I realized that I really needed to make this two parts instead of one. That being said, let’s dive into it. 

The entire time Adriana was at the hospital, she very clearly had a one track mind. And, like Eddie, I wanted us to sort of rationalize it. Her kids had just been in an accident - it makes sense that she would be more worried about them than she would be about anyone else. And it’s important to note, in my opinion, that Adriana wasn’t really forgetting Buck was there out of malice. Her mind literally didn’t go there. It was very much centered around her children, the same way Eddie’s would have been if Chris was in the accident. And Eddie, before the accident, very much falls into this… role that he’s always been placed in with Adriana and Sophia and rushes to comfort her even when he needs comfort himself. He’s the big brother, it’s what he does. 

But he’s clearly not thinking straight. He saw Buck at the scene, he knows how bad he was. Eddie can conceptualize everything that’s happening with the doctors and that them having no news is, for the moment, good news because it means they’re still working. He’s not worried about Henry or Liana and Vince. He was at the scene with them, he knows they’re, for the most part, fine. 

Their argument starts with a misunderstanding and it’s during that confrontation of it that Eddie realizes that Adriana, visibly, doesn’t care at all about the man that saved her children. Adriana dragged him outside to have the confrontation because, like Eddie, she doesn’t like to argue around her children. They were raised in a house where their parents fought loud and they fought long, they’re both products of the same upbringing they just… internalized what happened differently. 

“So you lied.” Adriana set her jaw and glared in his direction. “You lied to me.” 

“I didn’t lie to you!” 

“You did!” 

Realization was like dawn breaking. He froze, his eyes searching for some clue on her that told him he was wrong. Adriana wasn’t selfish, not like this. Perhaps she was worried, and that worry was clouding her judgment. 

But Eddie was so tired of being rational with her. He was so tired of having a thought out, restrained response to whenever Adriana said or did something wrong. He was tired, he was frustrated, and Eddie was very much clouded with fear and worry himself and so he threw rationalization out of the window. “No estaba hablando de Vince.” He said with gritted teeth.

This right here is a big changing point in this series. So far, Eddie has been very passive in how he’s stood up to his family. He left Christmas dinner, he told Adriana to leave, etc. But this frustration had been building up and it all exploded due to a number of reasons, the main one being stress. He’s not okay. His boyfriend isn’t okay. Eddie doesn’t know how to handle being the one on the outside waiting for news that everything is going to go back to normal. And he snaps, the same way we’ve seen Eddie do in canon, only he snaps verbally instead of with physical altercations (re: fight club, baseball bat). And Adriana? She’s not used to it. 

She’s the sort to bait Eddie into a fight but then quickly back down when he decides to fight back. It’s not necessarily that Eddie is passive, more that he doesn’t really see the point in arguing so he ends it before it can really begin by just… walking away. So the moment he snaps back at her, Adriana recoils and tries to fix the situation. 

“What?” She shook her head. “No, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Vince is fine, Liana is getting a cast -.” 

And the next part, oh my god, had I been dreaming about adding in the next part for weeks. 

“I don’t care!” A couple passing by halted, stunned by the crack in his voice. Eddie didn’t yell, as a rule of thumb he didn’t yell. Buck didn’t like it, Chris didn’t like it, Eddie didn’t like it. Yelling didn’t solve a problem. But yell he did, and it ripped out of him like a rawr, Adriana flinching back like he had shot a gun in her face. “I don’t care that Liana is getting a cast! I don’t care that Vince is fine!” 

Adriana pulled herself together quickly, though, far too used to trading him blow for blow. They used to argue all the time when they were children, about stupid things and about meaningful things and about everything in between. It was a side effect of their age, or maybe Eddie had always disliked her the way she disliked him. “You don’t care about your family?” She asked with her chin held high and her eyes flashing in danger. She stepped closer and Eddie didn’t step back, tilting his chin to stare almost defiantly back in her direction. 

“I care about my family!” He was on the verge of tears, he realized, the sting pulling at his eyes like bees. He swallowed them down. Adriana used to make fun of Sophia when she cried when she was angry - crying when you yell really ruins the effect, she had teased. It had just made Sophia cry more. “My family is in there -.” 

"Your family is Vince and Liana!” 

“My family is Buck!” 

Adriana has a lot of gumption. She’s got a lot of gall. And she’s never really had Eddie fight back with her and, if he did, it was never in this manner. He didn’t like yelling and so he usually didn’t do it. She wasn’t used to Eddie getting on her level. 

Moreover, it’s got to sting, right? To have someone yell at you and say they don’t care? Especially when you’re trying to scold them? Adriana was embarrassed, but she was also floored. Eddie is trying very hard to hold on before this, but Adriana confronting him and not accepting his very understandable mistake and, once again, overlooking Buck’s place in his life, sends him over the edge. 

I can’t tell you the amount of times someone has confronted me with something and I’ve had to think about things logically even when I didn’t want to. Where I had to put their emotions ahead of my own even if the situation involved me. I figure Eddie, in this series and in canon, is much the same. So him shouting I don’t care isn’t because he doesn’t actually care that Adriana is worried, it’s that he doesn’t care that she’s angry. He doesn’t care that he accidentally upset her. He’s upset, he’s been on the verge of breaking down since walking into that hospital and, like Sophia points out, it’s bringing up a lot of memories he’d rather keep buried. So he doesn’t care. Because Adriana’s family is going to be fine. Eddie’s family might not ever come back home. 

“You know the guy that was driving the car?” Eddie moved so that he was in her way, forcing her gaze onto his. Her eyes were swimming with tears but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. Even if he wanted to. The words poured out of him like someone had pulled a stopper from his throat. “I told you not to ask him. And you still did. And because he thinks he’s not worth anything if he’s not useful he agreed. Because he wants you to like him.” 

“I never -.” 

“Shut! Up!” 

Adriana’s mouth hung open, like his rage had stolen her breath. “You have been terrible to us since you found out. And I don’t know what it is, Adri, I really don’t but Buck has done nothing to deserve this… this… disregard from you.” 

“I didn’t think -.” 

“No!” He swiped his hand through the air. “I don’t care what you thought or what you didn’t think! He is in there dying because you didn’t think!” 

“That’s not fair!” Adriana countered. “I wasn’t driving that car!” 

“He was only in the car because you asked!” 

“He agreed -!” 

“Will you stop justifying yourself!” A tear trickled down his cheek without his notice and Eddie swiped it away with a vicious fist. Adriana tracked it with wide, watery eyes, her bottom lip quivering. “I don’t care that mami and papi thought I was the perfect kid. I don’t care that you hate me now. I don’t care that your kid has a broken arm or that your husband is okay. I don’t care that you asked him and he agreed. I don’t care because we got into a goddamn fight this morning because he was worried about your kids. Because he is in there fighting for his life and you don’t have the decency to ask how he is.” 

Adriana doubles down. She’s not used to being the one to say I’m sorry. Usually Eddie will give in first just to stop the argument, or Sophia or Helena would come in to smooth over the edges. She even thinks about it, for a moment, when people start coming outside. She even feels guilty when she realizes Eddie’s crying. Goading someone into an argument doesn’t feel nearly as much as fun as it could when the person starts yelling back, and they’re actually making a point. 

But this is a big moment for Eddie. He’s never argued back with her. She’s been rude and she’s been entitled. She’s shouted things at him and she hasn’t respected him, his relationship, or his authority in his own house. As much as it hurts to have his pain so visible, it’s such a big step from him hiding it inside just to explode outwards later. 

And it all cumulates in the next part: 

“It’s not about the fucking car!” Her shoulders jumped. “Buck had a seizure when we got here. He didn’t know where the fuck he was at the scene. And he still made sure your kids got out of the car safe.” Her own tear blinked out of her eyes, trailing down her cheek and curling over her chin to drip onto the collar of her shirt. “I need you to get something, Adriana.” She didn’t look at him but fine, fine, Eddie would tell her his terms anyway. “I don’t care if he’s okay or not, you’re done.” 

“What?” Her question was small, her eyes flipping open to finally meet his own. 

“You’re done.” Eddie said around a sardonic laugh, shrugging as though the words were stabbing him in the heart. “I’m done. We’re done. I don’t… I love you so much. But I can’t do this anymore.” 

“Eddie -.”

“No! You did this to Shannon. You’ve done this to Buck. I deserve better than this.”

Eddie is rightfully enraged on Buck’s behalf but it’s important to note that he’s mostly hurt on his own. Adriana is his sister. He always believed that, if he needed her, Adriana would put aside their differences and be there for him - largely because he’d do that for her without ever being asked. But he’s come to realize the thing that he always feared to be true - Adriana doesn’t extend him the same kindness and she never will. So while the backdrop of this entire thing is this horrible accident and this gripping fear for whether Buck would be okay or not… the main theme is learning to let go of someone you love. Mourning someone who hasn’t died. Making the decision that you deserve better than the way you’ve been treated. 

Adriana doesn’t even believe him at first - she actually needs to hear it for a second time later on in the chapter for it to really sink in for her that Eddie’s not playing around but setting a hard boundary in place with her

Deciding to leave a family member is incredibly difficult and I haven’t met one person who has gone no-contact with a family member that would tell you that it’s easy. But sometimes it’s necessary. 

[itsfandompeople]

Red Hood and Batman on ethics

This is a short story I made. Please do not use it in your own stories, it will really piss me off.

“No Bats, you don’t get it! If I take one piece of scum off the street permanently, you won’t later find, say ten dead bodies of children that were trafficked by them!” Hood growled at the dark shadow facing him. “Hood. If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world remains the same.” Jason grimaced behind his helmet, uneasy about the way Batman said his chosen name, remembering how he once similarly said, Robin, disapproving, benching him for even the slightest mista-No. Not going down memory lane tonight. “Yes, but if I were to kill a hundred killers (which I have by the way) then it goes down by 99!” He rejoined, angry at his momentary weakness. Red Robin interjected, “That’s… not mathematically incorrect…” “See! Even your little birdy agrees!” Jason said, still not sure how to feel about his replacement. Even if he decided not to go through with his plan for Titan’s Tower, it was a near thing. Any moment the green could rise again, and he might do what he swore to never attempt. No more dead robins. “That's not really what I said,” Drake replied uneasily. “Nor do I think that you are entirely wrong in that argument. Think about it B,” he continued as the big bat tried to stop him. “If the right person, who could be trusted to not lose their minds, could kill rapists and murders without becoming one themself, then while they are still a killer they are more like the military in that respect, rather than any of the villains we fight right now. Of course, that is obviously still wrong, but not as wrong as leaving them to reenter the streets after they escape.” “...” Jason and Bruce stared at Red Robin, wondering if he had been possessed at some point. “Ummmmm… not gonna lie that’s pretty much how I think. I may be a killer, but then there are fewer psychos out there. One self-contained killer versus 100 psychopathic murders and rapists.” “Red Robin. What did I say about conversing with Hood.” “Not to. But if we can’t get him to stop using our logic and morals, why can’t we get him to stop using his?” “Well. That is not gonna happen. But kudos to the attempt, pretty well thought out for a shrimp like you.” Jason snarked at the trio. Robin still hadn’t moved from where he was shielded by Batman and Red Robin, not speaking either. “Batman, let us defeat this cretin and throw him in Arkham. Perhaps next to the Joker, as he seems to admire him so much.” Robin suddenly joined in from behind Bruce, apparently deciding not to listen to their father either. Jason did not hear B’s reply, too busy fighting down the panic attack at his name, and the thought of hearing him day and night. If that happened, he would go crazy, lost to the green. Suddenly, he dodged a Batarang aimed at his throat and snarled. It seemed the temporary truce (or rather the bats trying to miraculously convert him to their pathetic ideology) was over. “See ya idiots.” he laughed, forcing down his anger and panic as he swung away, easily evading the traps they had set earlier. “Maybe next time.”

[starlightswitch]

Return to Mischief Mountain

(for Writer's Month day 30 prompts mischief and mountain. Although the mountain isn't exactly a mountain)

“What are we going on next?” asked James.

“Mischief Mountain!” said Emily. She really sounded like she meant it, but when she glanced at Megan, Megan didn’t manage to smother her cheeky grin.

James looked at Allie. Allie gave him a smile that looked almost weak or pained. “It’s not a ride,” she said. “It’s like a fun house thing.”

“Is it…” James looked between her and her sisters. “…fun?”

Emily and Megan looked at each other and giggled. Allie rolled her eyes up to the grey cloudy sky. “They think it’s fun telling me I should go on it. I don’t like it.”

“She hasn’t been on it since she was a kid,” said Emily.

“She’s been scared of it since she was a kid,” said Megan. She was about to say something else, too.

Allie spoke over top of her. “We all know what happened, thank you.”

“Do we all know what happened?” said Megan, looking at James.

“Yes,” said James.

“What happened?”

Lost, James looked at Allie.

“Liar, liar, pants on fire,” Emily sang at Allie.

“What did I lie about?”

“We all know what happened,” Emily repeated.

“Are you ready to face your fear now that you have a boyfriend to save you?” Megan wanted to know.

Allie looked at James. James smiled and said, “You did like what I said about that, that one time.”

“What did you say?” Megan asked him.

“What did he say?” Emily asked Allie.

“It’s personal,” said Allie, with a little smile. She looked at James and took a breath. “You know what? Okay.”

“If you’re sure,” said James.

“Yeah,” said Allie, a little more firmly, though she didn’t look at anyone but him. “I’m an adult. I should probably try it again.”

The line was a zigzagging ramp that ended at the entrance, built to look like a cave opening into the mountain. Allie had always remembered it as towering over the entire park, but of course it didn’t. Plenty of the roller coaster hills were taller.

When it was time to go in, she slipped her hand into James’s, and he laced their fingers.

Like a tunnel on the interstate, the lights dimmed as they followed the ramp uphill into the mountain. They turned a corner and stepped onto a vibrating floor that bounced them up and down, clattering their teeth. Another corner, and they were walking alongside their reflections in a mirror. Another corner—

Something was there.

Allie froze.

Then she cracked up.

“What is that thing even supposed to be?” said James, staring at the beast which was something like a cross between Bigfoot and a swamp monster. And was only slightly taller than him. And was obviously built in a prop shop probably a few decades ago.

“I swear when I was a kid it was like ten feet tall. And standing right in the doorway.”

“And going to EAT YOU!” said Megan, lunging at her with her hands up in menacing claws.

Allie batted her away, then caught her breath and moved on before the people behind them could get annoyed at the hold-up. As they continued down the hallway, full of smaller similar creatures behind glass on the cave-like walls. “I can’t believe I spent so much of my life avoiding that thing.”

“We can’t either,” said Megan. Allie swatted at her again.

“Don’t forget,” said Emily, “we still have to get through the part where Dad actually had to get the staff to let you out!”

Allie snorted and threw a giggly-eyed look at James. “I can’t wait.”

--

2020 day 30: Earned It (joy)

2021 day 30: The One Who Was There (tree + band AU)

2022 day 31: On His Own (loud + prison)

2023 day 30: To Always Remember (children AU)

[whitepolaris]

Baby Graves of Tri-Cities

"OH MY GOD!"

Last night we went out to the Baby Grave cemetery and got the crap scared out of us. This cemetery is weird, it's over a hundred years ago, and has nothing but babies buried there. They say that if you go there at night, and are really quiet, you can hear the babies crying. Maybe they call for their mommies? It wasn't easy to find the place. It's located in the hills outside of Kennewick, and the roads wind in and out of the hills, and there aren't any real landmarks. Anyway, we got there and walked around, and Tom started getting silly, yelling for the ghosts to come out. He even rapped on one of the headstones with his flashlight.

We didn't know that the babies have a guardian. There's an old man who lives in a shack, not too far away, and he came running out screaming at us. He was yelling that he was going to kill us, and he had a baseball bat in his hand. We ran to our cars, and got in them, but didn't have time to turn around. We actually backed down the dirt road, and almost went off the road into a ditch, and the man caught up with us. He swung the bat, and hit the windshield, and cracked it. Tom gunned the engine, and we left him behind, but he still followed us until we made it back to the main road. By the time we got back to Kennewick, everyone but Tom and me were laughing. I was still afraid and shaking, and Tom was [furious] about his broken windshield. -Amy

Weird Washington Visits the Baby Graves

In the spring of 2007, Weird Washington visited the Baby Graves Cemetery with Tri-Cities resident Eric C. (For those not familiar with Washington State shorthand, the Tri-Cities are Kennewick, Pasco, and Richland.) We discovered that like most legends, stories of the Baby Graves were partly true and partly false.

We found the cemetery near the crossing of several different roads, which probably dated to the years when all the homesteaders laid out their claims and put in roads around their property lines. The pioneers probably agreed to have a community cemetery in a central place, rather than having a separate family plot near each farmhouse. This sense of community helped the settlers bear the tragedies of frontier life.

A heavy iron gate and a barbed wire fence mark the cemetery entrance. It is difficult to determined how many people were actually buried here, since many of the old tombstones were probably wood and have gotten away over the years. There are stone markers too, but money was always scare in the old days, and some of these had to do double duty, particularly if the dead were children. Only the remaining families know for sure how many dead rest in the Baby Grave Cemetery.

The Travis family seemed to suffer the most. On May 20, 1893, their baby Norma died, age six months, seventeen days. The tragedy must have broken Mrs. Travis's heart. Six days after Norma died, on May 26, a set of twins were born into the Travis family. They lingered only a day before they too passed on. The three of them share a single stone.

Within the cemetery is a small picket fence. It was once white, but most of the pain has peeled off. Inside the little enclosure lie William and Mark Pearson, brothers who never knew each other. William was born on July 2, 1901, and died on July 10. Mark was born June 30, 1902, and lived over a year before dying in November 1903.

It was obvious that people visit the cemetery every now and then. A survey a few years ago showed ten intact grave markers. In 2007, Weird Washington found that the tops of two were missing; several of the remaining stones were scratched of broken. There were burned-out road flares, fireworks, and a few beer cans around the cemetery. Obviously, the place was a hangout for local parties, but there was also evidence that more benign visitors have not completely abandoned the place. The iron fence was decorated with red ribbons, and someone left a toy rabbit for the Pearson boys.

Fortunately for us, there was no angry old man carrying a baseball bat living in a nearby shack. Perhaps he had left since Amy's visit. However, it is likely that some of the descendants live nearby. The closest house is about a mile away, and we might have been watched through binoculars as we tootled around the Baby Graves Cemetery.

Let Them Rest in Peace, Please

Dear Weird Washington:

It is a family gravesite. I know the family that owns the property and they will defend their own. They do ask that no one others their family. -Chris Z.

[ceilidhtransing]

I hope it's OK if I slightly hijack this post to add a lot more information because I read a lot of Holocaust academia and am very passionate about genocide education, and you've touched on something that I think is very important for people to know. Serious content warning that this is going to get extremely dark and I'm going to go into quite some detail on the Holocaust. You have been warned.

Himmler - you know, “head of the SS” Himmler, “one of the true bastards of history” Himmler - found many practical aspects of the Holocaust horrifying and disgusting, as did many of the hands-on perpetrators of the killing. When Himmler witnessed a mass killing in Minsk he decided that the process was too stressful for the SS men and arranged for rest and mental health care for killers who were suffering as a result of the genocide they were perpetrating. It wasn't uncommon for members and commanders of the Einsatzgruppen, the mobile killing squads of the Holocaust whose job it was to round up and shoot (primarily) Jews, to find their task immensely psychologically difficult.

The psychological burden was serious and extended even to [Higher SS and Police Leader Erich von dem] Bach-Zelewski himself. Himmler's SS doctor, reporting to the Reichsführer on Bach-Zelewski's incapacitating illness in the spring of 1942, noted that the SS leader was suffering “especially from visions in connection with the shootings of Jews that he himself had led, and from other difficult experiences in the east”. [Christopher Browning, Ordinary Men]

There are records of men who could not suppress the human instinct in them and grumbled against the violation of all that civilisation stood for. The simple everyday human beings, not totally depraved by Nazi lore or gore, did not hide their disgust. The nervous strain had a telling effect on their morale. Some drank themselves to forgetfulness, and even suicides occurred after some special events [massacres]. Some of the killers were fathers and had complained that while shooting Jewish children, they were plagued by the vision of their own offspring. [Joseph Tenenbaum, The Einsatzgruppen]

Since the shooting brought the executioners nearly eye-to-eye with their victims, even hardened SS men found it difficult. In ruminating on the moral complexities of mass murder, Michael Burleigh noted that “many of the shooters vomited, either because of the blood and the brains flying around or because they had consumed too much schnapps”. The copious flow of alcohol became an integral ingredient in the killing process. Hermann K, a member of Jeckeln’s staff, shows the ambivalence that drove the shooters to alcohol: “Jews were constantly brought to it [the grave]. Some of them had to lie down, others we killed by a shot in the back of the head while they were standing. There were men, women, and children, but I only shot men. There were no breaks. I often moved away from the grave when my nerves could not stand it anymore and I tried to shirk this assignment.” We should add that this SS man also augmented his resolve by drinking schnapps before returning to the firing line. [George Eisen, Kamenets-Podolsk: Anatomy of a Massacre]

Until the spring of 1942 the sole means of execution was by firing squads. To spare women and children the agony of being “exposed to the mental strain of the executions” and to ease the strain on the killers Himmler ordered that they should be executed by gassing. [Joseph Tenenbaum, The Einsatzgruppen]

You read that right: one of the primary reasons that the means of killing during the Holocaust shifted from “shooting people into mass graves” to “gassing people to death” was that the shooting was simply too psychologically distressing for the perpetrators. It was too disgusting, too bloody, too traumatising, too in-your-face awful. There were obviously other factors at play here too - it's also just more efficient to gas people than to shoot them - but the emotional strain of killing tens of thousands of people by gunfire was absolutely an element of that transition. But that didn't completely ease the feelings of utter horror.

Even the gas vans which were to ease the emotional strain of the men were of little help. Untersturmführer Becker protested against letting the men remove the corpses of women and children from the vans. In a letter from Kyiv to SS Obersturmführer Rauff, in charge of transportation in the RSHA [Reich Security Main Office] office A2, Becker warned the commanders of the SK (Sonderkommandos) of  “the immense psychological injuries and damages to the health which that work can have for those men, even if not immediately, at least later on.” The men complained about “headaches which appeared after each loading”. [Joseph Tenenbaum, The Einsatzgruppen]

Why am I sharing all of this, beyond the fact that “people having more knowledge about the Holocaust is generally a good thing”? Because what is extremely rarely if ever brought up in discussions of genocide is the horrifying fact that it's possible to find the act of genocide appalling, traumatising, and extremely difficult to carry out, and still commit genocide. It's absolutely possible to be a normal human with normal human emotional reactions to things and still perpetrate appalling crimes against humanity.

A lot of us rest easy with this false sense of security that we could never be genocidaires because we would simply find it too difficult to shoot a load of people or deal with a pile of corpses. We imagine genocide perpetrators as exclusively “hardened psychos” who find killing easy - fun, even - and, well, because we're not hardened psychos, we don't have anything to worry about. The thing is, the vast majority of people do not fit this psychological profile of “total sadist who just loves to kill and has no problem mowing down civilians”. I think it's safe to say that the vast majority of genocide perpetrators do not fit this profile.

Most of us would find it exceptionally difficult to hands-on commit a genocide. But the terrifying fact is that the vast majority of us are also capable of finding ways to make ourselves feel OK about acts of genocide, to rationalise them, to justify them.

We must not distance ourselves from perpetrators of horrific crimes against humanity and lazily assert that “we're nothing like them”. We are, collectively, much closer psychologically to those perpetrators than we like to think. We must always be vigilant against finding ways to make ourselves feel alright about the most awful things. We must always be vigilant.

The most ironic thing about Spain-Nazi Germany is that Spain at one point had some bullfighting to celebrate the arrival of Heinrich Himmler - the guy who basically made the Holocaust happen, so you know, very "neutral" of Franco to want him coming to party in Spain

And without a single bit of self-reflection, Himmler got very upset at the barbarity of the bullfighting

That's the kind of thing that if you saw it in a book it would feel almost too on the nose

[alltheotherblogs]

It's hard to write some times.

I was writing a few short stories, writing a book, doing creative writing... Yeah, I do a lot of writing. Probably too much. Sometimes I get stumped, or in a slump, sometimes I just don't want to write a specific story and I get sidetracked with another. Polluting a story with too many themes is a recipe to a bad book. I just wish it was easier to drink a cup of coffee, and get writing consistently.

Dead Poet Society, fantastic film. I was writing a story about a school which doubled as a prison for children deemed dangerous, where the principal was a lumbering giant monster who would kill students that broke rules. It's a fun sci-fi fantasy about the horrors of being forced into a system that doesn't work, which damages the kids, and traumatizes those who actually survive it. My thoughts on the school system aren't exactly secret, 1) School is a scam. 2) School teaches you nothing. 3) It's a broken system where everybody loses, especially the children.

Of course I never went to school. I have no regrets, I got my entire high school education done in three months, and I don't remember a single lick of the useless knowledge it imparted upon me. I've always been quite the firecracker, and from the stories I have heard about school, I don't think it's the right place for me. Let me just say, a lot of people would be very hurt, and rightfully so. I could get darker with this but I'll avoid that. To say that school actually helps anyone is nothing but a lie fabricated by greedy corrupt fools. More self-teaching programs less regulations that make it difficult to actually LEARN anything.

Back to writing. I am constantly having tons and tons of ideas, but they don't all mesh into the same thing... It makes me wonder, what if I could channel that into something? Could you imagine how many books I could write in a week?! If each idea was coherent and cohesive to the previous, I'd have a bookshelf full of my own work. As of right now, I can't even finish one book before thinking "Hey this would be a cool idea." Makes me think I should just write a book of short stories and try to get that published, and if that works, I'll actually put my mind to writing a full book. I can easily imagine writing as a job, writing book after book like Steven King or R.L. Stein. I've had those creative kicks where everything makes sense and it flows. But I never had them about my writing, it has always been something stupid...

Some say that knowledge is something sat in your lap. Some say it is something that you never have. Wise lyrics from a clever lady. I relate to this song quite a bit, because right when I have the flow and I think I'm ready to write ten chapters in a row! ... Everything crumbles. I want to do a lot of things in my life, I'll never get to do most of those things, just by virtue of not being qualified and having to do other things first. Not only that but my life circumstances are quite grim. I wasn't exactly given a fair lot, and I now live in a time where being an adult feels helpless and most of us cannot afford housing or vehicles. Thanks, I know exactly who I blame, I know exactly why I blame them, they are all incompetent and corrupt. Hint, it's the United States government.

Can you tell that I don't like the government yet? I'm very much against all modern politics to be honest. They not only bore but appall me. The fact that most people are ignorant to the things they vote on makes me sick. That never would've been the case hundreds of years ago, in places like Ancient Greece. Imagine an entire group of people who are terrified of a boogieman, and they call to outright ban it because they are scared of it, but in fact this boogieman is only a puppet and cannot act on it's own, has no sentience, and the boogieman isn't half the things that people are being told it is. Not only that! But there are more of this boogieman, and the cartel has millions of them, which obviously they aren't going to get rid of. Meanwhile gangs have just about as much, and organized criminals find it very easy to just ship in these boogiemen from out of the country, resulting in only law abiding citizens (The people who weren't causing any trouble in the first place) to lack protection against the actual monsters who use these boogiemen. I'm talking about guns. Guns and politics don't mix, just let everyone have them, it's their right regardless of what you'd like. And no, you can't limit what a civilian can have, track it, or anything. Seriously, it doesn't work, we've proved it doesn't work. MAYBE some times tracking firearms works, but rarely... We often forget that criminals aren't as stupid as the government. It's like watching the Road Runner cartoon, criminals are road runner, the government is Wile E coyote.

This post was originally about writing.

I have a few OC's in the continuity of this perpetual canon I'm always adding to. I like to play lots of different characters and improvise what they'd do in situations, so I've kind of ended up with more than a hundred misc. OC's that are getting difficult to fully keep track of. I'd like to apply each of these characters to their own story... But I'll be damned if that isn't going to be a herculean feat. It's like having a bunch of kids and not wanting to play favorites, but the fact is some of them just aren't success material. You know, one of them actually is a corrupt politician...

In summary. I'm finding it hard to keep writing even though I love writing so much! What makes it all worse is that I know if life would just take a break from beating the shit out of me, I'd actually be able focus and write. I have all these problems that limit me from being fully ME. And none of it is my fault, I can't control any of it. I have to go day by day reminding myself that it isn't my fault that these years of my life are being stolen from me. I'm sure many can relate.