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sweetdejun · 5 years ago

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coterie: the black leather bracelet (1/2)

gang!x1 x fem!reader

synopsis: you’re an ordinary girl, with an ordinary life. but what happens when you catch the gang that is famous for keeping their deeds under the table, in action?

coterie’s masterlist can be found here

pairing: lee hangyul and y/n

a/n: sexual themes, cursing, mentions of alcohol and drugs, so proceed with caution.

the thin black leather weaved around your hand like it’s known the accessory for years now. as you showed the group, your cheeks reddened and your eyes widened, as the guy who flirtatiously introduced himself to you stepped up. ugh, you should have known. “oh, yeah!” he yelps, stepping forward, and hope over to give you a high five, which you timidly reciprocate. “you’re freaking her out, hangyul,” seungwoo scolds the boy, who pouts in response. “thanks for being a party pooper, hyung. anyways, y/n, meet me at the terrace tonight at 7. sharp. I’ll be waiting.” and with one more wink and a smirk, hangyul slips off down another hallway. pretty soon, you leave the group of boys, heading back into your own room. hangyul, you think. the name’s quite nice if it weren’t for the fact that his glare felt like a predator watching its prey. you only know what that look can lead to because as surprised as people usually get when you talk about it, you’re not a virgin. when you tell people that, the first thing they say is, “really?”, as if you admitted to something crazy. you’re in college, and your parents aren’t on your ass 24/7, and you’re also a functioning teen with raging hormones; it was going to happen eventually. but, just because you’ve lost your virginity, you definitely weren’t a sex-crazed person. you knew your limits, and in short, didn’t get much sex because, well, school and your future’s also been a more important priority (“as it should be,” you recall telling soobin when she tried to drag you to the club one Friday night... of course, you won that night and were binge-watching shows whilst she was out and about.) but even so, you’re very aware of what that look can lead to, and you don’t want to smash someone you will be working with, especially since you’ve just met. yeah, he was a good-looking guy, and you’re damn sure he knows it. his piercing gaze is what you see when you bounce onto your bed and shut your eyes and you let out a frustrated groan before you check the time. it was almost 7; the dark hours of the night came much faster than you liked. you took the leather bracelet with you, which you had tightly clenched in your palm when you returned to your room, as you left to the terrace. you wanted to return the piece of jewelry in case he’d wanted it back or something- you certainly didn’t want to keep it. you reached the terrace a few minutes after 7 and found hangyul standing with his back facing you, and his hands in his pocket. at the sound of your footsteps, he turned around. the wind blew threw his grey-dyed locks, and the moonlight reflected upon them, creating a halo-like effect. “ah, y/n, you’re late. but I guess better late than never, am I right?” he chuckles and shuffles closer to you until his face is inches away from yours. your eyes flutter at his sudden proximity and he scoffs, “why’re you nervous, princess? never been this close to a guy before?” who does he think he is, you think and you step back, squinting at him, irked. “no, I just like to keep my distance, that’s all,” you start. your outburst catches hangyul off guard but you continue anyway. “here’s your bracelet, pal,” you give it to him and he slips it back on right away, before saying, “it’s a shame you picked me, then.”

your eyebrows scrunch up at his remark. “what do you mean?” hangyul gives you one final smile before turning back towards the sky and replacing his hands back into his pockets. “you don’t know what I do, do you?” you shook your head, and responded, “no, I don’t, but the way you said that... makes me curious.” “I’m sure you are familiar with a... femme fatale, right?” he says. “a female who seduces people and fucks them up, for lack of better words,” you explain and his eyebrows go up. “wow, you know your stuff,” he praised, and you relaxed a bit. “yeah, I’ve seen a few characters like that in movies and stuff, so I am familiar with it.” hangyul’s smile is small as he says, “well, my job on this team is similar, to say the least. I’m the homme fatale of this team; the goal of this job is to get as close I can get to my targets, just so I can get enough information out of them, to hand over to our clients to use against them. how I get close to them, well, I’ll leave that to your imagination,” the wind picks up in temperature and speed, and you shiver. seeing this, hangyul, who was clad in a leather jacket, slid said article of clothing off his shoulders and draped it over you instinctively. “thanks,” you mumble, and you’re so glad it’s dark out because you feel your face getting a bit hot. “no problem. listen, if you don’t want to do this job, I get it. I won’t force you into doing anything you don’t want to do. I can talk to seungwoo and maybe he can find something else for you to do if you’re not comfortable with the idea. so before you make any sort of decision, I wanna give you some time. I understand that working with me, especially with the job I have, you may get uncomfortable easily. I mean, it’s not hard to notice how you’ve kind of tensed up since I mentioned the details. forget that, you look uncomfortable around me, and we haven’t even seen each other for a day.” you bite the inside of your cheek and keep your gaze on the ground. you sigh, before looking back at him, “it’s nothing, honestly. I just... it takes me time to warm up to someone. I guess you can say I never really act like myself around someone until I’ve had a better understanding of who they are, and I think they have a better understanding of who I am. so, if I made it seem like I don’t like you, that’s not the case at all. yeah, I’m slightly uncomfortable, but I’m genuinely like that with most people I meet for the first time.” hearing you speak up, the corner of hangyul’s mouth lifts up slightly. “that’s good. at least now I know you don’t hate me. but, regardless of what you say I’ll give you a few days. sleep on it, come to a decision and then let me know. and until then, stay warm, sugar.” his tongue runs along his lower lip before he leaves you in the terrace, his jacket still resting warmly against your body.

you go back to your room and shut the door. god, you think, you must’ve made a wrong first impression on him. well, to be fair, you did find his actions, uhh, violating. maybe it showed on your face. you feel your heart drop slightly and you feel the anxiety rise in you. great, now you feel bad. “why do things have to be so complicated?” your voice becomes muffled in your pillow, as you press it against your face and exaggerate a whine. it takes you a few moments to think about it. seungwoo told you that who you used to be won’t matter in this job. nor will whatever you do in this job affect your future life. confusion fogged your head, and you didn’t know what to do. the only thing you could hear was hangyul telling you to think about it before coming to a decision. then, your vision started to blur before everything went completely black.

you saw a nightclub; neon lights and the smell of booze quite fresh in the air, and sounds of people around you mixed terribly with the bass of the music. through the dancing drunken youth, against the bar counter sat two familiar figures. one of them was hangyul, who had taken down a shot of tequila, with a pretty girl securely wrapped in his free arm, his hand how caressing her waist and next to him, was you. you looked almost unrecognizable, but you knew it was you, it had to be. your hair was done all nice, and you were in a shimmery, gold mini dress, and heels. you seemed to be drunk, by the way your head was moving, struggling to stay steady. then you turned around and saw your gaze fixated in your direction, and a small smirk painted your red lips. you got out of your seat and walked through the sweaty crowds of people, only to balance yourself on the shoulders of some guy, and before anything could be done, you kissed him square on the lips. one thing led to another, and you managed to drag the boy into a corner, where you climbed on top of him, your lips now on his neck. things were getting hot and heavy, and before anyone could take it a step further, the boy froze. why? because the girl who was giving him a good time stopped to press a gun against his abdomen. “give me the syringes you have in your pockets, like a good boy,” you whispered against his ear. his shaky hands reached into his pockets and pulled out the drug-filled instruments then placed them in your free hand. “very good, baby. now that I have evidence against you, and there is a video recording of this being made, I’m going to make this very clear,” you start off, your thumb running across his quivering bottom lip. “you don’t want to ruin daddy’s reputation when he finds out this is what you’ve been using the tuition money for, right? he thinks he’s sent his son to a fine, foreign university, when really, he’s here blowing that money on prostitutes and drugs.” the boy shakes his head no, and the smirk appears once again on your smeared red mouth. “then take this pretty little face of yours, and move away to a different city. or country, I don’t give a fuck. but step away from mr. park’s daughter. he’s caught on to your little act, and if he finds you around his daughter again, remember the gun is only here, but I won’t hesitate to shoot next time. got it?” the boy stutters out a response before you give him a sickeningly sweet smile and then whisper, “now, shoo.”

you sit up, breathing heavily in the room. you blink rapidly and realize it was all a dream, but man, were you a badass or what? you feel this adrenaline rush through your veins, and it feels so fucking good. this is all it took? a dream to convince you that you wanted to take this job? apparently, it was more than enough because when the next day rolls around, and you’re looking for hangyul, you find him once again on the terrace the next night. you clear your throat, and hangyul turns around, a quizzical look in his eyes. taking a deep breath before releasing it, your gaze meets his before you say, “I’ve come to a decision, and yes, I’ll take the job.” hangyul’s eyebrows go up in surprise, and before he has a chance to express anything, you say, “I made this decision on my own, and yeah, I’m aware of any danger it could put me in, but I’m willing to try it out. for the fun of it.” hangyul laughs at this, before nodding, “alright, princess. welcome aboard.”

#coterie by sweetdejun #coterie #hangyul #lee hangyul #x1 hangyul #x1 lee hangyul #x1 #x1 series #x1 au #x1 aus #비상: QUANTUM LEAP #x1 quantum leap #quantum leap au #quantum leap #sweetdejun #kpop writing #kpop series #kpop au #kpop aus

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lullaandby · 5 years ago

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sincerely yours. c text

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short.

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.

a treasure chest of anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy.

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo! You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation.

"These guys are no good.

Nah. Not like how they used to be.

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior.

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad.

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

Dad. We're done here.

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold.

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net

there’s a photo of your neighbor,

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year.

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys.

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Corninthians and just put in random numbers.

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away.

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese

Do it out

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set.

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential.

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl.

Who was just one two many break ups deep.

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny.

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one.

STORY- ME

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE.

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office

Keep talking about going to sweet greens

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness.

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething.

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION.

Repression in females comes from mis placed validation

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS

Jessica simpson?

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane.

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off.

MOTHER SHAME.

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack.

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah.

Just do it out. Oprah.

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family

Who came before them

As precious moments statues.

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science.

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS

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cnisms · 8 years ago

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ok wow... here are some v basic intros for beck, aja, veronika, bella, angel n natalya ! they won’t be super detailed bc... theres fricken 6 of them... some are longer, some are shorter, they are all ugly. but i do know my muses inside out so if u ever want me to expand on anything or fill in any gaps, just lmk. no stat pages for any of them yet, so i’ll list the basics in here. plotting ? yk what to do ! im me or just punch me in the face ! n ofc if theres specific plots u have in mind already just lmk bc as yall know... im always gonna snatch them up anyways (also ONCE AGAIN sorry for never replying to ims, i’m just a lot of foul moods these days n obviously it’s got nothin to do w yall so i wait... aka i get five minutes of peace a week... but i 100% always wanna plot n be friends !!! i WILL reply... eventually...) v brief mentions of miscarriage, drug addiction, neglect, murder n obviously death.

i lied i actually did start this ugli’s stats !! barely, but they’ll be here.

you will never met a bigger nerd than beck ever im tellin u now

had a nice childhood, parents are both scientists n lowkey hippies, v v v smart household. they were always more friendly than parental with him due to the fact that he’s always been (not super mature but) very intellectual.

grew up interested in everything. studied hard n fast. has graduated too many times. thought maybe the goal was to be a lecturer ? couldn’t pick on what tho. ended up staying to hang around his last university and instead tutors literally everyone in literally any subject. if ur muse is studying @ imperial college ? beck is their favourite tutor. srry it’s law !

just a nice guy ? unfortunately doesn’t have very many negative traits to him bc that’s just the way it worked out but he does talk a lot n has trouble effectively communicating anything he hasn’t studied so he may not always appear to be the nicest guy but ? he rlly is just a ugh jesse mccartney vc beautiful soul.

barely getting by bc how much can u charge uni students ? the answer is the minimum. he’s never been super materialistic or anything so it’s not a rude shock to him but his social life suffers (i mean he could find plenty to do himself but he is always rejecting invitations) due to lack of funds.

so boring.. so vanilla..

has to told be told to shut up or he will go for two days n yes it does hurt his feelings xx

megan ajala parekh (goes by aja), 22, cisfemale, panromantic, pansexual, listens to too much usher

was raised between the city n a farm a lil while out of town. had to deal w all of the divorce drama worse than either of her parents. they all cut each other off when she was 16 and she’s fake af making jokes abt it, acting like it was the best decision ever but she wasn’t prepared at all ? she was just couch surfing n surviving on birthday money from her grandparents n she was scared but v “no goin’ back now ig!” about the whole situation/

big mess ! also had no idea what she wanted to do but she was actually a huge flop education wise (no offense gf, me too) n ended up in a government programme n through that she just did whatever was recommended so she ended up in aged care n she loves it !

to be fair she loves everything tho so ? that’s not really sayin much.

super excitable n ott. is always goin’ head first into everything.

as a result she’s also always exhausted n grumpy. one or the other. she can’t calm herself down n maintain a healthy lifestyle. it just doesn’t work.

lives in a disused hospital bc why not. she’s savin’ up for a nice van... to live in... that’s rlly where she sees herself.

except she’s not really saving up bc she’s the definition of headassery and is spending all her money on fast food and expensive sunglasses n hats that she will lose that same week.

i’m falling asleep but naomi scott is a goddess so whom cares

veronika erikson, 40, cisfemale, biromantic, bisexual, old as mc’heck so she’s actually got a life for me to talk abt

born in denmark, was scouted at 16, lived between paris and new york after that, had massive success as a model. made money, set trends, still pops up in every other #goals pinterest board and #mood instagram tag. was an entire it girl back in the 90s but ! it was never fulfilling.

literally all she wanted ? her entire life ? was to be a mother ? nothing else ? modelling was a good way for her to make money bc realistically she wouldn’t have been happy doing anything that wasn’t raising her own children but she was never satisfied.

NEVER GOT HER BABIES ! despite marrying very young (she was v keen to start a family but she was also super in love) n immediately gettin into it and giving up her career at 23 to be at her prime health-wise, she had no success. suffered a LOT. the fact that the problem could never be identified was obviously super frustrating n stressed her the frick out ? the miscarriages my dude... she’d been through it n would tell herself not to get her hopes up but it was obviously always worlds worst heartbreak every time.

grew to resent her husband bc tho she knew he wasn’t to blame, she needed to put it on someone. never adopted or looked at other options out of (irrational) fear that she’d have the same kind of feelings towards any children that she didn’t birth herself so ! shit didn’t get better. it literally started 10 yrs ago... and it the negative feelings changed in intensity over n over but they somehow managed to survive 10 years n only recently separated so ! she got rid of everything n moved to london for a fresh start where she now flips houses bc she can ig n it gives her smth to do !

honestly would make the best mother ? she’s aunt to the yates siblings (hey huns) and always did the most for her fricken mini-me imogen. beautiful vodka aunt who brings gifts and gushes about u n is here to gossip but is ready to go off on ur ass if u force her to. won’t go around babying people but... if u give her the chance...

that... that’s her personality... ideal mom in every way.

separates her private n public life very well but doesn’t share her important thoughts or feelings at all. generally a nice but passive person.

courtney love tweeting about riverdale vibes.

arabella gomfrey, 23, closeted pan princess (literally a princess (cici is shaking)), sofia coppola’s marie antoinette

the whole gomfrey situation will be developed eventually but for now here is this.

they may not be, but bella is a v affectionate person. is wedged firmly up her entire family’s ass. loves her parents n lets them n everyone else know. rlly thinks they’re right about absolutely everything. will agree to n do anything they say.

will do anything anyone says honestly ? as long as it doesn’t come in conflict with what her parents want for her ? tell her to walk off a building bc it’ll make her parents happy n she’ll sit there stressing and considering it for hours.

won’t think for herself but still manages to be a major fake. only tells u what you want to hear, excessively sweet, will not be the one to deliver bad news ever hell nope she’s paying someone to do that for her.

v cliquey n judgemental. her inner circle is literally just other pretty rich girls.

loves the whole situation she was born into n has no shame. milks it. does the most. will throw a tantrum when she doesn’t get what she wants. entitled brat !

idk how but she’s the most catholic person you’ll ever meet ? the pope is jealous.

models bc she knows can do whatever the hell she wants without trying ig. just likes the applause.

angela (angel) rosado, 24, panromantic, pansexual, loves girls, Is Beautiful .

yea rosado as in the resort aha... nbd ... was adopted by the rich old rosados when she was 10 n has lived the good life ever since but before that . it was p ugly.

she was literally left on her neighbour’s doorstep when her parents got evicted from their home when angel was 6 months old ? they took her in but ! they struggled ! so a year later when angel’s mother was pregnant again n sorted herself out for a min n came back to claim her so they could be a family or w/e, the people who had been caring for her were obviously like um we rlly should not trust this bich with a baby but we’re abt to be kicked out ourselves so ... they basically forced this image of angel n her mother n the next baby livin happily ever n let her go.

her mother had another girl n angel loved her even tho she was tiny herself... she was (and still is dw her sister is thriving still) crazy abt this baby. she rlly could not love her sister more. their mother wasn’t clean for long, but their father was much worse. when he died 2 yrs later, she quickly worsened too. she was ill n not fit to parent at all but the girls lived with it for 4 yrs before they were taken away. they were told their mother passed away a few months later but neither ever looked into it.

it did not get any better ? in foster care they were bullied ... so bad. they would sneak off everyday to avoid it n then they got in trouble from their carers for doin that like ig you can’t win ! so they were gonna split the sisters up n angel was so ,,, dependent on her lil sister (n got teased for this bc her sister was literally tuckin her in and singing her to sleep every night as if she was the baby) n was not feelin too good about the situation my dudes !

anyways they snuck off to the library soon after n ig hit up The Google for a solution ? n they accidentally ended up reading some story on wtvr gossip site abt these hotel tycoons adopting for the fifth time. angel’s sister.. literally found rosado resorts’ business email . ASKED THEM TO COME ADOPT HER N ANGEL TOGETHER N TAKE THEM AWAY TO LONDON...

n it worked ? luv a (kinda) happy ending

obviously becoming part of a big, rich, sober family in a different country was weird n difficult once the excitement wore off but they made it work. her sister fit in better than her n their parents saw that ? n they noticed she was p much living off of her sister entirely ... but they were v good abt it, they put a lot of time n effort n love into angel n she grew to be THE daddy’s girl of the bunch. like he was good w all of the kids but they always had their (jealous) memes abt angel being the favourite. everyone grew up n moved on, still all v supportive of eachother. angel ? still living near her parents, checkin’ in everyday, still getting everything she wants handed to her.

doesn’t even pretend she’s effectively dealt w the bad memories of her childhood, just straight up acts like she remembers nothing except for her sister singing her to sleep. remembers everything n struggles with it everyday but that’s her business apparently.

likes to let u know that she knows she’s better than u ? better than everyone ? except maybe her sister n her father. doesn’t even like her other siblings. loves them yea, but she doesn’t like them n always starts drama crying to her parents abt how they don’t like her either.

kinda just a real snob yk what i mean ? she’s lit abt her work and her like.. total of 2 friends but otherwise likes to act real unimpressed all the time.

u would think w the shit she’s seen she would be an understanding person but nope if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t see it.

her parents bought her .. a gym .. for her 20th bday n she opened a few more in the yrs following that and now has celebrities up on instagram posing in angelfit activewear, pretending to drink her protein shakes, u know the deal. she’s v proud of herself.

UM OK WOW its 8am i’ve been working (slowly) at this whole post for 6hrs now n i just forgot i was keeping these short but i can’t pick which details to remove so u know what ? this one stays meaty. thats it tho i think !

also peep her nameless sister in case anyones lookin for muse ideas in the future :P x

N FINALLY... natalya nikolayevna belyakova, natasha works, 27, demiromantic, demisexual, cute ! dont know if u noticed but she’s russian !

these muses just get more n more extreme as u go down the list o wow n still none of them get a coherent introduction. especially natasha bc ? ok so she was raised by dirty money but ... criminal organisations in moscow ... lets not even get into it. let’s say they were big in weaponry.

anyway ! it was just her, her brother n her father. v close. they were weird, everyone knew this. she had no friends, even when she was living out of home to study. her social life was literally whatever dangerous dinner parties her father invited her to n that was it.

it was never that deep (AKA IT WASNT GROSS LIKE EVERY1 MADE IT OUT TO BE) she's literally just shy n angery pup meme. she’s the pretentious smart girl in every story ever who is like “i hate ppl... books cant stab u in the back” like ok relax who asked NERD but she rlly could not escape her family so might as well love them !

um ig her father had her mother killed when natasha was abt 8 yrs old. apparently she was havin an affair. her brother spilled the beans to her yrs later when he was mad at their father. she wanted to be horrified for a second but thought it would change nothing so there was no point. she rlly stanned her father huh ?

he dead too now rip. while natalya was away studying, every1 in their home... her brother, father, everyone workin’ there ... all ... got killed n then the house was torched quick. she knew business had been gettin uglier but this ugly ? [ mari vc ] ruined her fricken LIFE.

one of her father’s creepy old friends eventually had to let her know what happened n how everyone saw it coming or whatever like ok thanks buddy ! natasha’s rlly sad obviously ? doesn’t last long. now ... she’s mad ! now... She’s pissed.

so she’s come to blame this gang that’s heavy in london. she REALLY drops outta school, comes on over, worms her way into their major rival gang n WAITS. she’s been here . for yrs now . and is yet to do . anything ... despite being obsessed with the idea of revenge. she’s playing the long game and making sure she’s getting all the details right bc she’s like Well this is a suicide mission might as well make it count ! its sad but -.- what are u gonna do ? (rival gang subplot coming soon btw whew!)

keeps her desire for actual bloody revenge to herself bc she doesnt wanna look like she’s gonna cause trouble for anyone when she DEFINITELY IS. she only acts angry enough to have her >.> allies >.> belieb that she’s loyal.

obviously committed . obviously she needs some milk .

not a fun person ? unless u tryna die also. but she’s very put together, v professional, cultivated, charming ig when she wants to be, unfortunately adorable, v organized, um what else ? nothin. that’s that. thanks !

THIS IS SO UGLY I CANT BELIEVE I EMBARRASS MYSELF LIKE THIS BUT U KNOW WHAT ! [ CHRIS TRAEGER VC ] LITERALLY ! A MEMEY INTRO POST IS BETTER THAN NO INTRO POST ! GOOD LUCK WITH UR LIVES ! LOVE U ALL !

#scroll down for emmy's daily mariah sexies #smoke:ooc #ᴏᴏᴄ ▓ ⚘ — ❛ try getting a reservation at dorsia now you fucking stupid bastard ！#ᴏᴏᴄ ▓ ⚘ — ❛ intro post ！

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dustiarab · 7 years ago

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Let’s talk money shame (And my crazy ass goal for next year)

Being in debt fucking blows.

If you’ve been there, you get it.

You’ve got this constant heaviness hanging over you.

I’ve been busting my ass double time trying to make everything happen, including asking for help a couple weeks ago to make my new apartment happen, because I’m finally getting caught up on credit cards and late payments.

But the thing with debt is that not only can you not get ahead, you can’t escape the worry that goes with it. What if there’s an emergency? What if I lose ground? What if… I’m doomed to stay in this cycle?

The reality is I don’t believe that for one second. I think I was born into poverty and systematic injustice is real. I think that people are made to feel shame when they can’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps, figure it out, and carry on. I think it’s easy (and normal and predictable) to take the occasional backwards step when you are managing to find your way out of it.

So it won’t surprise you when I tell you that, historically, I haven’t been great with money. I grew up poor, learning my money managing habits from someone who still doesn’t know how to manage their money. My siblings and I were raised in the church of 25 cent McDonald’s cheeseburgers and grandma’s canned green beans.

But I’ve also been working towards real, sustainable growth. I’m finally making a consistent living wage, so cheers to that. But, the reality is that I have a whole lotta debt I’m still carrying around. How much, you ask? Well, let’s get real for a minute.

Dusti’s Debt Breakdown

D 5465 M 1600 N 1,000.00 B 750 D 1800 G 5671 Credit Cards 4,000.00 Consumer/Personal Debt 20285.71 Student loans 36800

I’ve accumulated a grand total of 57087 in debt.

I’m not ashamed of it. I don’t think it speaks volumes about me as a person. It’s a picture of someone who didn’t have the support network she needed, who made a handful of mistakes and has learned to do better, and was told college was her ticket out (it wasn’t – don’t go to college, guys).

But considering it’s 10,000 less than it was this time last year? I think it says I’m making progress, even if not as fast as I’d like to, and I’m trying. And now? I’m trying to get it all erased in one fell swoop.

This next year? I want to pay off every last cent of it.

Every month, I’m going to check in and tell you know about the progress I’ve made paying my debts down. I’m also going to show you exactly how much money I made freelancing. This will help me continue to stay accountable to myself (though this has been such a constant din in my ears for the past year, I’m not sure I could forget if I wanted to), as well as continue to challenge myself when it comes to rates, what something is worth, and more.

Given what I make at my job, it’s a serious reach goal. I’m going to have to try things I never have before to make it happen. Some thing will work, and more than likely, some won’t. The one rule I have for making it happen?

It has to be fun – and simple for both of us.

That’s why starting week one of January 2018, you’re going to see weekly offers from me. You can purchase them for a week (there are ten of them available), and then they are gone. I’m going to test it for a month and see what happens.

Week One of January 2018: $100 tasks.

Edit and revamp a blog post of your choice (up to 1200 words)

Create a lead magnet in one of 3 styles (standard text-heavy, standard image heavy, or mixed) with a cover using your content (up to 800 words.)

Setup your email marketing on ConvertKit with 4 automated welcome emails (you write ’em, I’ll edit ’em) – comes with a short video of how to send an email to your list.

Want to book one?

Fill out this form. And then pay $100 here. I’m getting started January 2nd.

It’s that easy. You either need it or you don’t. No long term commitment – just deliverables. Quick and easy. And hey, if I can book these every week, I reach my goal. If I can’t, I’ll try something different.

Here’s to new ideas, fresh challenges, and making it happen.

The post Let’s talk money shame (And my crazy ass goal for next year) appeared first on Dusti Arab.

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thelandscapingemployeetrap · 4 years ago

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How to Run an Awesome Landscaping Business Efficiently After Recovering from a Business Failure with Caleb Auman

Caleb Auman is the Owner of the Auman Landscape LLC which is based in Carroll, Ohio and they serve the Fairfield County region, Lancaster, and selected Columbus clients. From crashing his old business he survived and managed to get up again when he met his wife Brittany Auman who has been supportive to him until now. Brittany manages and signs all of his paychecks and he is very proud to say that. They pick up all the pieces together to create and establish their landscaping business. And now, they not only do landscape but also other types of construction services such as Commercial Stormwater service. Caleb is not only a businessman but is also an awesome mentor and you can see him mostly on his Social Media channels on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. Check him out you will learn a lot from this awesome man.

“A company is a blank book that you can write, finish to the beginning and so you say I want to end up here. I don't want to have those incredible burdens like running a big company. You can run a company with two or three guys and yourself, it's your book, write it how you want it.” - Caleb Auman

Today’s Topic we discuss:

4:19 - Stage three is where Caleb’s business is right now, where they go out in the field and they have employees to do the job, his wife, and him doing the sales, marketing, and running the business. They also open up another division of their business called Auman Environmental. Awesome, right?

13:18 - Fear and Confidence Issue gets in the way for you to raise up your price. But you need to realize what is your worth and you got to know how to get to that too. Don’t let fear and confidence issues prevent you from getting what you deserve.

18:59 - The tax issue is a common problem in a start-up business, especially if you don’t have a bookkeeper to manage your finances. This might lead to business failure if not managed pretty well.

20:30 - It’s not easy to manage your finances if you will do it just yourself. The biggest benefit you’ll get from hiring an accountant is, you will have someone to look into your records and tell you where your money is going. They could give you any advice about your tax issues too.

25:09 - Building a company is not as easy as you think. The difficult part of it is if you mismanaged your business because you don’t have the goal of building something in your life.

28:45 - Mentors, you got to have one. If you can’t pay one find a legend who you could look up to, know their history. If you can’t follow their footsteps because we all have our own strategies and ways. Learn from their mistakes, and take only those that could help you. Caleb shared some of their names, looked them up, and researched them.

30:48 - Listen to this, guys. Caleb’s advice to guys out there who feel that they are trapped in a deep abyss of business failure.

Helpful resources for you:

CALEB’S LINKS:

Instagram: Auman Landscape LLC

Website: https://www.aumanlandscape.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/AumanLandscape

KEITH’S LINKS:

My Blog: https://keith-kalfas.mykajabi.com/blog/

My Podcast: https://www.keithkalfas.com/podcast

Get a Trial of QuickBooks Here: https://quickbooks.grsm.io/keithkalfa...

Get your FREE Trial of JOBBER here. https://jobber.grsm.io/keithkalfas8521

DISCLAIMER: This description contains affiliate links. If you buy something, I earn a small percentage....

Get a FREE Trial of JOBBER Software & save 20% for the first 6 months.

https://jobber.grsm.io/keithkalfas8521

Key Takeaways

“And just even if it's a confidence issue just start slow, raising your rates, slowly, anything, you got anything you got to do to get to that light, you got to do it. And it's tough, man, I've been there. And it's tough, but you got to get there because you got to build a company that you can survive on that you'd be proud of.” - Caleb Auman

“One of the hard things to get over is the fear and the shame of actually having somebody look at your business and how good you're not really doing and like and so because you're afraid they're gonna go, "What, what the hell are you doing?" - Keith Kalfas

“Get someone, it's gonna cost a lot of money but it's worth it. And you'll end up making you money and it'll save you a ton of heartache down the road. So get a bookkeeper, you know, we were so adamant generally about hiring a professional to do something right like how you hire a guy to build your website. Why not hire somebody for your books?” - Caleb Auman

“Seek your accountant’s advice on that. Absolutely. Depending on how you file your taxes and everything but we pay yourself a reasonable salary, but basically by the time the winter comes, when I finally said, Oh my God if I wanted to, I could literally just sit around on my ass and watch Netflix all winter and do nothing. Until springtime, because I have enough money budgeted out to pay all the bills for Christmas forever. And obviously you like you wouldn't do that. But I think when you get like to that level, once you start having some money where you can go on a vacation or two, and you can experience the freedom of the business and you get over that first or second hump, you start to reap the benefits.” - Keith Kalfas

The Transcript

(Note: This transcript was created using Otter, an AI transcription software. Please forgive any transcription or grammatical errors. We probably sounded better in real life.)

Intro

Welcome to the untrapped podcast where we're motivated and inspired about success, small business, and personal development. And now Keith Kalfas.

Keith Kalfas 0:14

Three.. Two... One. What's up guys, this Keith Kalfas with the untrapped podcast coming at you from Mendota Heights, Minnesota. We are in Stanley dirt, monkey genetics, living room right now, hanging out. We'll talk about that later. You can check that on my YouTube channel, but I'm next to sitting down across from Caleb Auman from Auman Landscape. Caleb and his wife run a breaching on a million-dollar landscaping business in Columbus, Ohio. And Caleb is an awesome mentor and he's rising up as a leader in the green industry. And I was on Instagram like two days ago, and he's live. He's sitting in a truck waiting for some concrete or something to be delivered on an actual job site. He's got crew out working, a project manager, and all this stuff going on.

1:04

And he's talking about efficiently running a landscaping business and people are flowing in the comments asking all these really good intelligent questions about like hiring, project management, measuring, bidding, all these questions that you would ask when you were in the first few years of your landscape business and you're reaching out for some mentorship and Caleb is just literally spitting out golden nuggets left and right. I stopped everything that I was doing. And I tuned in and I just and I was learning all these things. I was like, “Oh my god, this is really, really good.” And he doesn't let his ego get in the way. And he just flows value because he's been through pain and suffering. He's had a business failure and now he's back climbing back top of his business and he's crushing it and now inspiring others to do the same. So what's up Caleb?

Caleb Auman 1:49

Hey, Keith, man, it's awesome to be here and thanks for the kind words and as I was saying earlier I followed you for a long time. So to hear like a dude I've like followed admired for such a long time to say that stuff is like really flattering. It's cool. So thanks, man. Thanks for having me.

Keith Kalfas 2:01

You're welcome, man. And thank you, just talking to you for five minutes. It just became very apparent to me. And that's what we're going to talk about today. We're gonna dive right in and talk about hiring people hiring the right people, project management, taking your hands off your business a little bit. So you're not stressed out trying to do 100 things at once to the point of breakdown, and how do you do that? And how do you get to the point where you can afford to do that? And I really like the saying what got you here won't get you there. So let's dive right in. So you guys did what 6 or 700,000 last year you said?

Caleb Auman 2:30

Yeah, last year, our sales were right at about 700 I think we had 690 or 710, something like that. And we did that with four guys in the field Brittany and I in the office. She and I did a little bit of work. I think she and I did maybe about 100 grand worth of work ourselves.

Keith Kalfas 2:4

Brittany, is your wife?

Caleb Auman 2:45

Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, Brittany is my wife. She's on the company for 10 years, she signs my paychecks and essentially started a new company after I crashed my old one. There's a whole long story there of me doing stupid with a capitalist for about 10 years prior to that.

Keith Kalfas 2:59

How old are you now?

Caleb Auman 3:01

37, I think about that for a second. haha

Keith Kalfas 3:02

You guys are married and have three kids?

Caleb Auman 3:04

Yeah, married with three kids. And we've, our sole income is the company and we wouldn't have any other crazy lifestyle but we wouldn't have any other way.

Keith Kalfas 3:12

Awesome and I saw you guys on Instagram you're about to hit 20,000 subscribers and followers on Instagram.

Caleb Auman 3:17

Yeah, Instagram's my jam. I just love Instagram and I've learned so much from other contractors that I admire on Instagram.

Keith Kalfas 3:24

What's your tag so people can check you out?

Caleb Auman 3:26

It's Auman, it's @aumanlandscapellc is our environment. My foreman has one it's out on the landscape but he doesn't put much on there.

Keith Kalfas 3:33

So, a-u-m-a-n?

Caleb Auman 3:34

Correct. Yeah, the Spelling's crazy. Yeah, Auman. A-u-m-a-n. Yes, Sir.

Keith Kalfas 3:38

Alright, sweet. So, all right. So stage one business, the guys running around by him by himself in a pickup truck, like a chicken with his head cut off trying to do it all. He's getting home at dark then trying to do paperwork. His books are a mess. He doesn't even know what his numbers are because he doesn't have time to do them. And the profit margins are to the point where he can hire stage two. It's maybe you've got a couple of guys working and you can leave the job site for a few hours to go sell. You're doing marketing. You've got some guys on payroll, stage three is where you're out of the field. And you've got guys now working and you're doing sales, marketing, running the business and making sure that calendar stays full. Where are you at?

Stage three is where Caleb’s business is right now, where they go out in the field and they have employees to do the job, his wife, and him doing the sales, marketing, and running the business. They also open up another division of their business called Auman Environmental. Awesome, right?

Caleb Auman 4:19

We're, I guess we're stage three at the moment. So yeah, I'm, we do. Brittany and I will go out and do a little bit of like, almost like emergencies. We started another division or a company called Auman Environmental and so it handles like stormwater management type work. So you'll see like retention ponds at like grocery stores and stuff like outflows. So we've been cleaning, we clean those out or we put new big rip rap in there or fix broken pipes or the drains in parking lots we go fix those. So a store will notice a sinkhole and like they need a pretty quick turnaround on that sinkhole repair and so her and I usually jump in a truck grab an excavator and run and take care of that. So that's kind of like her nice like emergency response kind of deal otherwise, our other project manager john handles that stuff. It's if it's a little more scheduled out so that's what she and I do, but primarily we're kind of I think vision casting is what I call it earlier and I think it's a maybe that's common, I don't know. But she and I are trying to just keep the direction of the company right away keep our four guys that are in the field because they consume a lot of work and a lot of materials and so we've got to be more than ever diligent with like working, you know, working on the business and not in you know..

Keith Kalfas 5:18

These guys out here. They're cutting lawns and edging and?

Caleb Auman 5:21

We don't, we got out of lawncare about six years ago, I think.

Keith Kalfas 5:26

And you're doing hardscapes and patios and construction?

Caleb Auman 5:29

Yeah, that's the primary portion of our business at the moment is hardscape construction, landscape design, so paver patios, retaining walls, and then horticultural work planting trees and shrubs and doing landscape install stuff like that. And then the other division of the company is more construction based. And we're working on getting that off the ground with our project manager there and that's, that's exciting. You know, sometimes that's fresh. Sometimes like a breath of fresh air starting something new or new venture is like is really exciting, and it's cool because it's also diversifying us because it's deemed essential work too. So, with this new quote, new normal unquote, you know, that we're going into, I think that kind of work is going to be, we just want to diversify that way long story short, we want to kind of like target was able to stay open during this whole pandemic thing because they carried some groceries, how fortunate

6:16

I bet you they'll take a loss on that division of their company for the rest of time, just to be able to stay open during a pandemic or something should these shutdowns which are going probably going to be the new normal which I hate to say so diversity is diversification of work and work styles is like pretty important to me but trying and the same time and not to get caught up in that trap of like doing every style work there because I used to do that too. I wouldn't turn anything down I know to a freakin thing man we'd be, I'd be up in a tree that I should not be in on a ladder cut and topping out a tree to bring it down. Dude, I've done so much crazy dumb stuff in contracting and not at all the hard way and not make money and all that stuff. So, you know, it's maybe more typical than that is but I like I'm not afraid to share because I don't want guys to go down that same road that I did or hopefully they don't, or at least, you know, they don't get hurt as hard as I did by losing their company, their first company or whatever. So that's why I try to be as open as I can be. Here we are.

Keith Kalfas 7:09

Thank you so much. So I'm trying to do a million things at once we do that because you know, I go deep in @PaulJamison was making fun of me about this the other day, I mean, all the civil I love Paul man he..

Caleb Auman 7:21

He is a genuine Heart of Gold dude.

Keith Kalfas 7:23

So, what's up, Paul, so, but your sympathetic nervous system takes over it's a fight or flight response is the part of your brain that makes you survive, you know, then just strictly the mammalian part of the brain. So you can't access the structure and strategy and actually calm the fuck down for a few minutes and then take a look at what are we going to do to strategize for this thing long term? What are the right decisions to make? What is my f**** man-hour rate? What are my numbers? I wonder my books like? And when people say things like that to me, like "What do you mean you don't have QuickBooks and you're not tracking every penny?" like, and it would be like almost like, take on all this shame when they would say that. And it's because Dude, I wasn't even charging enough to even afford the time to do that I was just trying to get the lights on and keep the bills paid. So can you talk about the transition from going to that? How do you get out of that and get to the next step where you start putting some structure and systems in your business?

Caleb Auman 8:19

Sure. A huge part of it for me early in business and even I still even struggle with it to some extent now, but like, I heard you say, your awesome presentation at Entrepreneur last summer, last winter? Or was it still 2020 that went on or is that 2019? Anyways? Yeah, 19 duh. But you say you know, you got to know your worth and I was way underselling our skills, way underselling our ethics because we were at what I mean by that is we were an ethical company, we were good and like honest, and we didn't put a dollar value on that of like selling what we were worth and so as the part, it was like a self-respect issue possibly of like, not just not selling our company in our services for what it's worth. And so you then get it. That issue of you start to get behind an eight ball, you get behind the eight balls of like. It starts to become tough to get ahead of like taking the time to run your numbers and figure out and I would run numbers sometimes back in my first company and it'd be ugly of like oh god we hit $25 of man-hour there. That's not good and I would kind of like always kick can down the road. Okay, next month is going to be better we'll price our work for what I know this job is going to take I'm going to put that number on it because I know that's what it's gonna take to hit $60 of man-hour, whatever. And it just didn't materialize for so long.

Keith Kalfas 9:32

Why not?

Caleb Auman 9:33

Fear and honestly like I probably you know, really cuz I guess we're just gonna be really I'll be really open here like, I just don't know if I it's weird cuz I didn't see it like this at the time but like thinking, hey, that customer will never pay that for further work and not I just really didn't even realize but it didn't respect my own time enough to like charge enough to run a business off of it. Greg Wittstock so said something. He's like

Keith Kalfas 9:55

The pond guy.

Caleb Auman 9:56

Oh, gosh, man. He's driven, Dude. Yeah, he is. And he's built a huge, huge, amazing company. And one of the greatest things I heard him say, was like, "Never place your value of $1 against your client’s value of $1 or the value of a project" just because this patty, I can build this patty, I can build a patio, and like I would never pay $10,000 for a patio. But that's because I'm looking at from a standpoint like I can build this myself. Like I can do it way cheaper because I know how to do it, I've got the stuff. And so I'm putting my value of a project on against the homeowner’s value project. Well, the homeowner, like with a website, like I'm willing to pay someone a lot of money to build a website because the value to me is there because I don't know how to Freakin' do it. And hopefully, that web person respects their time because, their own time, because I respect their time enough to be willing to pay a premium for it. But I fell in this trap of not respecting my own time enough and there's a lot of things to like early on in my company like we weren't efficient enough. You know, we didn't like for a long time we didn't own any skid steer so we were renting one and that whole debacle of going to get a machine doing it. Try to get done in the allotted amount of time return it, then, oh crap, we really need it tomorrow.

11:04

But we don't have the budget forward just so we're up to 85 wheelbarrows and make it, I'm exaggerating, but and so you. So the big thing is like you've got to know your numbers with your company and know what you need to survive dollar-wise, first off, and then be able to pass on jobs that aren't going to, aren't going to get you there. You got to have the skill level of course. But the thing is most guys have the skill level. It's the business acumen they lack. And you got to put so much effort into really knowing how to run a proper company, a proper business and it's something I knew a lot of stuff because I used to study like Charles Vander Kooi, who was a huge like, multiple overhead recovery system gurus, you know, he always he signed a book I bought from such a dork. I mean, I understood all the things in your heart of hearts. I knew my first company was failing, like, I knew what was wrong, but I just, you just get so busy and just again, that 10 million things to do. It just becomes hard to write the shift eventually. And so you got to recognize if that's what's going on in your company, you got to recognize it and figure out a way to push pause or scale back a little bit and just try to get your head above water.

12:08

And just even if it's a confidence issue just start slow, raising your rates, slowly, anything, you got anything you got to do to get to that light, you got to do it. And it's tough, man, I've been there. And it's tough, but you got to get there because you got to build a company that you can survive on that you'd be proud of. And that was, I said this the other day, so I feel like I'm the reason I say I feel like just I repeat myself too much sometimes. But like, when I was younger, especially and this is one of my things when I was 24 and even 20 a lot of guys I knew that age or you know, they had lawn care businesses, and they would have you know like they would end up having kids or get somebody pregnant or whatever, like well, I got rid of my lawncare company cuz I need to get a real business need to get a real job, need to go get a real job, and I always heard that and just curled my skin and like curled my blood, so just like, but this isn't a real job. And I just it just lit a fire in me to like I swear I'm going to have a real company someday that I can draw a salary off support a family and do some of the nice things in life with that. And it took me way too long to get there, Keith. But we finally got to where we're drawing a decent salary and can do some stuff but it took me learning the hard way a long time. So I don't know I think I rambled on there for a little bit sorry, man, but it's just for me, it was a confidence issue.

Fear and Confidence Issue gets in the way for you to raise up your price. But you need to realize what is your worth and you got to know how to get to that too. Don’t let fear and confidence issues prevent you from getting what you deserve.

13:18

I think a lot of like, just knowing my worth, like you preach a lot. And you gotta, you got to come to that realization of what’s your worth and you got to know how to get to that too. You got to know and it's really not that hard is the crazy thing you've really figured out, you know, how many man-hours a year you're going to work and generally, for the seasonal business, you know, if we're not planting everything, 1500, 2000 hours if you're really going nuts, and then you divide your overhead into that, you know what I mean? All your bills, I'll help you give an hourly rate. Let's just keep the math simple. Like you're if you're gonna work 1000 hours this year, and you need to make at least $35,000 a year. Okay, right. There are 35 bucks an hour on your charge. You've got to have 35 an hour in there just to make your own salary, and then truck payment and your truck or whatever or even if you don't have truck payments, you need to be banking up that cash. To buy things is the revolving door of purchasing, updating your asset. And so like you take your phone bill and divided in at 30,000 hours and you know your internet and you've all these fixed overhead costs. And so it's not super hard, it can be intimidating, but just you know, just start taking a stab, there's software out there that can help you do this. There are people out there who can help you do this, you know, invest 500 or 1000 bucks and somebody can help you figure these things out and you'll be all the better off for it.

Keith Kalfas 14:18

One of the hard things to get over is the fear and the shame of actually having somebody look at your business and how good you're not really doing and like and so because you're afraid they're gonna go, "What, what the hell are you doing?"

Caleb Auman 13:18

I know, dude, I did a job for an accountant one time and I know he knows I did the job to cheap and he's like, "Caleb, I'd love to help you with your business someday. And like, you know, I'd love to all look at your books, no charge. I'd love to help you just see if I can help you in any way." And I say one of the things like I think he wanted to mentor me but I was young and dumb, and I knew everything and, and I knew again in my heart hearts like I would embarrass myself because I knew in my heart hearts, I was not charging enough and I wouldn't make any money. And I didn't let him do it. And it's one of those things like I believe things have got to take their course. And I wouldn't change my history or trajectory in any way because it put me right here on this couch right now, I believe. So it's like, you have to go back and change some things. Everything I've learned up till now is like, got me where I'm at. I wouldn't change anything. But it same time. It's like, gosh, man, what would the trick what would look different? If I would have been open enough? Be like, "Yes, God, let's do it. Yeah. Okay, let's do this." And like, what would that have done? You know, or what? Or what I've, you know, so it's just you look back and you can't dwell on stuff too much. But you know, if somebody is willing to help you consider it, I guess is what I'm getting at.

Keith Kalfas 15:42

My good friend Joshua Latimer says that he has a PhD in pain and suffering.

Caleb Auman 15:48

Yeah. He says he has a PhD in d u MB. Yeah, d-u-m-b. Dave Ramsey.

Break 16:00

More of today's edition of the Untrapped Podcast continues right after this.

Keith Kalfas 16:06

Guys if you need help, being more organized, and being perceived as a professional to your clients and prospective customers, then you get to check out Jobber. Jobber is an awesome software that you can run your entire service business. You can create invoices, quotes, estimates, work orders, it integrates with your calendar, you can collect money, you can run your whole business on jobber and grow with it as well. Get your 14 days free trial of Jobber at keithkalfas.com/jobber. I use Jobber in my business and it's awesome.

Break 16:44

The Untrapped Podcast continues. here's your host, Keith Kalfas.

Keith Kalfas 16:49

So, but when the students ready the teacher will appear. You know that you know when like you know, Okay, I'm ready like you just know that you're there now for instance when I hired a bookkeeper to manage all my books. I started looking at what it was gonna cost. And I was like, "I don't know if I'm ready for that." And I was like, You know what? I asked myself because I don't like to point the finger at anybody else. But I say "Who the f*** am I becoming?" Do I want to be like, the people that I aspire to be like, because if they're not doing their books or having someone in house and they have a bookkeeper, right? So, when I finally hired a bookkeeper, and now I would, I would never go back. Right? And because you look at when you finally get started getting P&L statements, and you know what's going on in the business and you're looking at the numbers, you go, "Oh, my God, it's all becoming clear." So that just made your money right there because you have a sense of clarity. If you don't know where you're at. That's the first and most important thing I think is seeing with the brutal reality of where you're at. How did you start to see, where you were in order to start making the changes? Oh, geez.

Caleb Auman 17:58

Uhm. Well, it's kind of cool. I don't know. I've never been asked that question that way so that's interesting. I was thinking about that a little bit and I would love to know Britt, my wife's perspective on that because her and I kind of, I, get off really. Oh boy, Keith You know, it was one of the things. I was getting tired sick and tired of being sick and tired. Like I was just like, so fed up with being broke all the time. But I'll tell you the one thing man that really likes really began to get me like oh, it's real now because for like for a long time my company was like 1st four or five years from like, when I was a kid, 16 to like 22 probably? We're getting by the as okay kid, money, all that kind of stuff you know like I get by. But then after that where I started trying to be like big-time Joe big-time contractor is what I call myself and like trying to take on projects we didn't own the right machinery for and all this stuff like that's in having guys on payroll and trying to hold payroll taxes myself, guess where that because I didn't hire a bookkeeper and things got nasty fat and so like I ended up long story short, getting behind super behind in payroll taxes and sales tax and all this junk eventually got to a point where I was trying to run my problem.

The tax issue is a common problem in a start-up business, especially if you don’t have a bookkeeper to manage your finances. This might lead to business failure if not managed pretty well

18:59

I go into winter time go work down on my cousin's ranch in Oklahoma and I got a letter one time my sister would get my mail for me and all that stuff back home and she would go through it and she's like "Caleb there's a letter from the IRS" and long story short was like they're gonna say they say they're gonna start coming to get stuff if you don't contact them so I just totally wrote them off forever and you know A that's the symptoms like run trying to run from your problems for too long because they'll get you eventually they'll catch up with you. And so that was kind of like actually like the great moment of reckoning of like, Oh my gosh, like it's, it's finally it's caught up with me now like, you know, these chickens have come home to roost and the taxman says "Guess what? Pay up or we're coming to take stuff" and a time I really have anything to take but it was still like from the IRS. That's scary. Do you know what I mean? Like it was the first of many of those letters I learned how to begin to like navigate those waters cuz I was in a terrible mess. And like that was the beginning of the awakening, let's say of like, dude, life is real. Now. I can't run from this and I got to figure something out. And so, fortunately, Britt and I started dating right about that time and the hierarchy or not hierarchy this

Keith Kalfas 20:05

Hey, wait. One more thing, you say a key indicator. It's real now and I can't run from this

Caleb Auman 20:11

Anymore yeah,

Keith Kalfas 20:12

Yeah, it's sometimes we do that I had an old friend that said I don't like to make tough decisions so I wait for somebody to make the decision for me or just or things get so bad or in a predicament where I'm forced to make the decision. And he was so honest about that. I was like, wow!

It’s not easy to manage your finances if you will do it just yourself. The biggest benefit you’ll get from hiring an accountant is, you will have someone to look into your records and tell you where your money is going. They could give you any advice about your tax issues too.

Caleb Auman 20:30

That's open Yeah. Yeah, that's boy, that's crazy. And that's kind of guess where I was like I got it to where a decision was made for me and then it forced me to buck up and take care of it and even you know, and boy, that was a long road and I'm still paying off my state taxes and I'm behind on I got six more months and payments on state taxes and federal stuff. We're still ironing out but it's mostly done. And Dude, that's 10 years later, by the way, and so that's why the reason I share this stuff is like if you're behind in taxes, or you have issues, do the smart thing like Keith did and get someone, it's gonna cost a lot of money but it's worth it. And you'll end up making you money and it'll save you a ton of heartache down the road. So get a bookkeeper, you know, we were so adamant generally about hiring a professional to do something right like how you hire a guy to build your website. Why not hire somebody for your books?

Keith Kalfas 21:13

Wait a second, now you're talking about hiring people and I just want to say to keep going. Because I want.. I'm always I used to be the guy who said yeah, but I would get angry when I'm here at guys like you successful guys like you. And I would say what the fuck you're telling me to just go hire somebody. I'm sitting here trying to just go hire somebody. Right? And I would hear things like that and I would go insane. And then I would go work like eight days in a row to like till 10 o'clock at night come home to my wife screaming at me threatening to divorce me. And I would go like frantic crazy because I didn't have any control I can access. So it’s interesting how like, you have to have a place to live. So you have to pay rent, you have to have gas, phone, electricity, you got to have good internet to run your business and you have to have a good cell phone with a good cell phone plan so you can run your business. You have to have a good running truck with oil changes. You have to have insurance you have to have this you have to and I go through this whole damn thing. I'm like, Oh my God, this cost so much money like in the beginning, and I'm not saying everybody here listening to this in the beginning, but it seems so freaking expensive.

And if you have dependents you can feel like you're being squeezed through the cracks where you have no freedom. And then you just look in your eyes every day. And you're like, you have deep bags under your eyes. And you're, you become a shell of your former self and you become the person you always feared you'd become, which is a guy who, who's painted himself into a corner who's just and then people say, "Well, you're spending too much money you need to live. You're living beyond your means." Like "What? what do you mean? I go out to eat once a month?" And they're like, "No, look at those shoes you're wearing." Then they'll cut you down like some Dave Ramsey shit-talking about? Well, you need to go to work four jobs and live a cardboard box for three days. And like that shit pissed me off so bad that I just started like savagely pulling that work the harder lever and raise the price. lever yeah taking chances because but I had to be backed into a corner. I felt I had no choice. What about you?

Caleb Auman 23:06

I guess that's probably when the Taxman came that's pretty much where I was. That was, again that the hard iceberg of reality that finally was like, I can't run from this anymore. I need to figure out how to fix it.

Keith Kalfas 23:17

But you had all the self-limiting beliefs back then too, right?

Caleb Auman 23:20

Yeah, yeah. Still Yeah, like we weren't charging enough for our work. And

Keith Kalfas 23:24

So did you just work yourself to death?

Caleb Auman 23:26

Yeah, more or less. Yeah, just worked like crazy and I still have like a good like mid I still have like a good 20-year-old lifestyle, let's say of like, I still travel a little bit with my buddies on a shoestring budget, you know, I'd get paid from a job and take some of that money and go on a trip. We didn't plan for a while and, you know, do all that dumb stuff, but same time, like I'm probably behind in my insurance, and you know, live living that dumb, mid-20-year-old lifestyle with no kids and you know, like, and that's another thing to have. Like as you get older, you start to like, and I need to get some things together to get things together for the future, right?

Keith Kalfas 23:58

Have you ever had those thoughts, but I don't want to get my life together while I'm out here with the sun beating on me working in the dirt every day?

Caleb Auman 24:04

Dude, I deal with that still like it's so, so one of the things about when Brittany and I get called into the field to go to a service job or something or the company if we're like we spent some time on some jobs we're working on a job for two weeks and dude the company I say this because it feels like it's not really but dude the company falls apart when we're out in the field because like it's not it's it reminds me so much it harkens back to the days where how I got in trouble the first place like oh my god, you know, I left the house at six this morning, we're pulling in at six again, I do not feel like returning the seven voicemails I've got waiting on me or like dealing with an upset, you know, client and it's like, I see how it keeps me grounded to remember like what it's like to be at that level of the grind, you know? And so, yeah, it's so tough to be an owner-operator. And so it reminds me of that, I forget, I guess whereas even going with this, but I know I totally relate to like, yeah, it just it's so hard to be the producer and facilitate all the stuff that's involved to take the run the company and I guess that's where you got to decide where you're going to go as a company, are you going to be a guy that just works like that? Are you going to set a goal of building something in your life?

Building a company is not as easy as you think. The difficult part of it is if you mismanaged your business because you don’t have the goal of building something in your life.

25:09

And it's going to take like, crazy discipline, which is something I didn't have a lot of when I'm in my mid-20s. And I eat we always did good work, quality work. We were a good contracting business. We weren't a good business, you know what I mean? And I was just young and I but you know, I know guys that were like just had a different mentality of me that were my age and they built some incredible companies that were profitable and it just the way my stubborn had had to be, I guess it's just my, my temperament was just how I had to be and how my whole life has worked out the way it has just because it's how it had to be for me, I guess, but it still didn't change the fact that ultimately, eventually, like, I made the decision of like, I'm not going back to that lifestyle, trying to figure out how I'm going to pay, you know, bills that month and also to I was just so in love with the industry.

25:57

I'd put off paying a phone bill to buy a new string trimmer or like a new concrete saw or something like that just go so in love with the business or you know the actual like work as in love with the work and maybe not so much the business and so, you know, I finally really came to a point where it's like I want to build you know I'm going to build I've always had that mentality like I'm going to build a company and we finally got there I believe but they're just been with a lot of hard times and I but I bit of self-inflicted hard times because I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I wasn't like dirt level poverty either. And I had a good upbringing I'm very blessed for that night count those blessings constantly. But you know, at the same time, I managed to screw up what blessings I did have and drive them into the ground because just mismanagement and all that stuff and I had to work ethic to overcome the shortsightedness of not no financial management so that when all that was like a long-winded route there but yeah, Keith so that's, you know, I've been all through all that stuff.

26:54

So I get them and like you said of like, it's easy for me to sit here now and say, yeah, just go hire someone because I get that like, I know the times when you don't have someone you know the money to just go hire someone you've just got to find it yourself to figure out how you're going to make that happen if you want to get ahead in life and it's just that it's that complicated and it's that simple just all you've got to figure out a way to make it happen and that's just it.

Keith Kalfas 27:18

No, like you. You really know how to dial in the way you talk about what it's like to be a contractor. You talk the language bro. Doesn't he, Brian? Brian Fullerton here. He said, yes.

Caleb Auman 27:34

Well, I've done stupid been stupid and I'm not much removed from it now but because I talked to guys going through this crap and even at Brian's event, like, Dude came up to me so sharing stuff about my tax issue and he came up to me like, and this is what makes it all worth it. You know, you go out and you tell her to tell a crowd of 500 people I've been bankrupt. That s** you know, who would want to go say that right? Like, Hey, I'm so dumb. You know, I've been I went broke. I crashed a company, but like this dude came up, he's like, Hey, man, I got some taxes. You know how to get them handled. It's like, so cool. It makes it all worth it. Like it's critical to open yourself up like it, you know, makes it all worth it.

Keith Kalfas 28:10

Do you have mentors in your life or people around you your Fab Five?

Caleb Auman 28:14

Yeah, totally. And, and I've always been blessed with the man one of my biggest blessings in life is to be surrounded by people that were like, passionate about what they did, regardless of what it was and good about what it was and I was always still studying and reading like Charles Vander Kooi, Marty Grunder, and Frank Mariani and Dick Hensley. I could throw names forever of guys that like a lot of my never even met and they're mentors of mine they don't even know if you know, kind of deal and but I still especially in the construction and building realm I always was talking to guys about learning to build I love building like it just building is in my blood.

Mentors you got to have one. If you can’t pay one find a legend who you could look up to, know their history. If you can’t follow their footsteps because we all have our own strategies and ways. Learn from their mistakes, and take only those that could help you. Caleb shared some of their names, looked them up, and researched them.

Keith Kalfas 28:45

Say those guys’ names again.

Caleb Auman 28:46

This is something I want to do someday with a series of like to introduce the Social Media generation to the I would say like almost the founding fathers of the landscape industry and it's Frank Mariani Mardi Grunder, Frank J. Schmidt. Charles Vander Kooi.

Keith Kalfas 29:01

We got to go hunt these guys down.

Caleb Auman 29:04

There are so many dudes out there that like had a big influence in my life and in my college instructors at my community college I went to Dick Hensley, Steven Neil, and Fred Howard. Those dudes were just passionate professionals about what they did and a lot of positive average attributes to them I guess like emulating what they did with their companies when they built companies and sold them or did whatever but you've got to find guys that are where you want to be and just do your best with prudence you know, figure out what they're doing like you're saying early and emulate that and I do that now with guys of like, where I want to be and I see what they're doing and I asked him I try to be open and ask and fortunately, a lot of guys share their experiences and it's good, it's good. So you gotta be willing to be open and open yourself up to like, Look, I'm screwing this up real bad. Can you help me and it stops some guys say no, and other guys will and, you know, just take that advice with a grain of salt. And you know, dude, darndest to get ahead for your sake, and your posterity's sake.

Keith Kalfas 30:01

I got one last question for you. It's, have you ever got those thoughts? Or what would you say for the guys that think, but I don't want to be the guy who owns a landscaping business. And I've built this whole thing like imagine if they see where they're at right now. And they're in a place of working their tail off. And they think of owning some business that's four or five times the size, like five nooses around their neck, rather, they have no freedom in their life, even if they did make more money doing it. How? Do you experience any freedom from your business where they can visualize themselves in a place where like, oh, that would actually be awesome, right? If they're seeing that in a negative light, and they feel like they're just building a big trap?

Listen to this, guys. This is Caleb’s advice to guys out there who feel that they are trapped in a deep abyss of business failure.

Caleb Auman 30:48

Right. A company is a blank book that you can write, finish to the beginning and so you say I want to end up here. I don't want to have those incredible burdens of like running a big company. You can run a company with two or three guys and yourself, it's your book, write it how you want it. And if you don't want that, and that's not your drive in life, you don't have to scale to $2 million, or even a million dollars that matter, you can be plenty profitable, like Steve was talking earlier today, like, you can be plenty profitable at three or $400,000 make a good living. And if you're smart with it, and set it aside and invest and do stuff like it, you'll set yourself up so fantastically. It'll make your head spin. So it's all about you've got to write those chapters in that book the way you want it to be and you have that freedom, fortunately, it might how you get there might be challenging and the toughest thing you've ever done in your life, but it's totally possible don't feel that's a trap that I fell into of thinking with my first company like I have to scale I have to hit XYZ sales, you know, dollar, you know, sales or whatever you don't have to you can be very profitable at $300,000 in sales or whatever, or even just a solo guy out mowing grass for you know, and you're bringing in $100,000 a year and you're netting 50 off that like it's totally it's your book and you write it how you want and don't let him tell you what your business should be. It's all it's entirely up to you. I mean, it's you've got to know your why. So why are you in business? Is it to work yourself to death? Or is it to work yourself to death for a little while because that's what it takes. And then you build this, this machine that takes you where you want to go.

Keith Kalfas 32:12

You know, is one of the biggest blessings? I used to plow snow for years, but I do different stuff now with the internet business. I am full heavy on into landscaping. We do a lot of landscaping. We're booked out for nine weeks right now. But it was going from barely being able to afford to pay my bills and hating my landscaping business to, I opened up a savings account and it's called winter savings account, right? And we're on the payroll, but I also take draws from the business to just balance that out and talk to my accountant. Seek your accountant’s advice on that. Absolutely. Depending on how you file your taxes and everything but we pay yourself a reasonable salary, but basically by the time the winter comes, when I finally said, Oh my God if I wanted to, I could literally just sit around on my ass and watch Netflix all winter and do nothing. Until springtime, because I have enough money budgeted out to pay all the bills for Christmas forever. And obviously you like you wouldn't do that. But I think when you get like to that level, once you start having some money where you can go on a vacation or two, and you can experience the freedom of the business and you get over that first or second hump, you start to reap the benefits. And have you been able to reap those benefits?

Caleb Auman 33:21

We have Yeah, we have and we've, you know, from 10 years ago, we were always super fruit, like, we got kind of funny, you mentioned Dave Ramsey thing, but like we got super into the Dave Ramsey thing and we ate slept and breathed it from cleaning up my old mess. And like Britt came into the picture like right, pretty much when the Taxman started coming after me. And it's this archetype and I heard it so well from Jordan Peterson, the guy just love what he has to say about anything. But he was a lot of Disney movies follow these archetypes of like the script of the plot. And so Beauty and the Beast, right, a beautiful young woman comes and rescues this monster and turns them into a gentleman, right? And so like Britt's kind of like this archetype. Over his overall archetype of generally like a woman will come into your life and straighten you out. Thank God. Like that's what happened to me. And like Britt helped me get my shit together ultimately and like without her I don't who knows I may be back to a second crash company at this point Who knows?

Keith Kalfas 34:14

That's my wife too

Caleb Auman 34:16

I heard. I understand that and it's it follows those archetypes, right? You know, so I just thought that was just an interesting correlation. Like you know, the reason people like those movies because they follow these themes that are so prevalent we don't even know it. You know?

Keith Kalfas 34:27

My wife has this keen ability to spot out any little unconscious thing I have that I'm not aware of some even down to a nervous tick, she can pull it out and show it to me and I'll try to stick my head in the sand on it and shoulders hold it there until I till I see the light and I've become so much better for it and bro, I'd love to have you back on the show sometime

Caleb Auman 34:50

I'd be flattered.

Keith Kalfas 34:50

As soon as I can work get my way into Ohio which should be pretty soon here. We're going to show up to the company that should have logged and had you on the channel. How can people check you out?

Caleb Auman 34:59

All our Social Media handles everything is @AumanLandscape twitter Instagram, Snapchat tik tok. You name it.

Keith Kalfas 35:06

Bro, You are a gem. Thanks for being on The Untrapped Podcast. Go to keithkalfas.com/podcast you can find us on any major platform we just hit one top 100 in entrepreneurship on Apple. If you like the show, go there and show it by leaving us a good word positive Five Star Review. It really helps the show out it'll take you 90 seconds go to Apple podcasts and leave us a well worded positive five-star review and I'll see you on the next show. Right now we're releasing shows every Monday. We're gonna pump it up to two times a week soon. See you later, guys.

Check out this episode!

#Landscaping #windowcleaning

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becoming-a-badass · 7 years ago

Text

Backstory of the new Beginning.

I’m 20 years old, I’m almost done with my second year of college, and I’m done.

Why? I’ll tell you.

This story might have a lot of jumbled thoughts, so read at your own risk.

Growing up, I was bullied for my weight. Okay, so I’m a little on the curvy side, who cares? Just kidding, it’s apparently everyone.

I went to summer camp after 8th grade, and had a crush on this boy. I didn’t think it was a problem, I was just having fun because it was my first time at a camp. But turns out, I was just too fat to have a crush on anyone. This was the first time I cried in front of anyone. I was ganged up on by 15 boys and their little friends, being humiliated until the end of that two weeks of camp was over.

After I went home from camp, I tried to block everything bad that happened from my memory. But, Facebook was a pretty big thing, so all those boys found me and added me and messaged me, but I just ignored all of it. I had just gotten my tonsils taken out, so I wasn’t really talking to many people.

Then the phone rang.

I thought to myself, “Okay, I don’t know this number, I’ll just let it go to voicemail.”

“I hear you’re a real ugly bitch huh? Can’t even answer the phone. You probably ran out of breath trying to pick up. Oh well, I just wanted to say that I’d love to stick my dick inside of your fat rolls to see what kind of crazy shit I could pull out.”

Five voicemails later, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had cried so much by this point that my stitches were starting to come out of my throat and I finally had to talk to my parents about how shitty camp was.

I started my first diet that year. The first of many.

Before you start thinking the worst, no, I never starved myself and I never tried to. I just felt horrible about myself because of all of these unimportant people telling me how I should feel. Then I went to high school. I felt good about myself. I didn’t think I was fat, I was excited to be around new people and make new friends. I don’t remember much of my Freshman year, but I remember that this really pretty girl was standing by me, and another girl came up and started talking about how we looked kind of alike. “Why would you say that? That’s so rude. I would never want to look like her, she’s too fat.” Oh. Okay. Right before I get my school picture taken. That’s neat. Not like I was crying. I’m sensitive, okay? Gosh. Sophomore year. I was sitting in my history class, and I started seeing these little balled up gum wrappers flying by my head. “She’s a whale, how did I miss hitting her? Guess I’ll try again.” Ouch. Thanks. Again, I didn’t think of myself as fat. I knew many girls in this school who were much larger than I was, so I never figured out why I was the one who was getting all of this hate. I guess it could’ve been from my lack of confidence. I ended up transferring schools. I went from this big public school to a private school across town. My parents and I were expecting this environment to be a LOT different. But in reality, there’s bullying in both environments. People are assholes. But the bullying is different. In a big school, you can get away with almost anything because it gets overlooked 9/10 times. In a small school, the bullying is kind of indirect. I was the new girl, and I had never been “new,” because everyone in my last high school knew me from middle school or grade school. As the new girl, a few amazing people reached out to me to be my friend, and that was the best feeling in the world. I made three really good friends and had a lot of people who liked me. But in every school, you find bitches. And at a private school? These bitches bite. “My daddy has more money than your daddy” is just a start. If you didn’t have the fashion like they did, if you didn’t curl your hair every morning, if you didn’t do this and that, if you weren’t this size, you just weren’t good enough to be accepted. From the time I transferred until the day I graduated, I didn’t gain any new friends other than the first ones I made. At least it doesn’t seem like it now that I’m looking back. I had a texting fling with one of the boys in my class, but guess whose nudes ended up getting passed around to all his friends? Yeah, those would be mine. Just so they could have a nice laugh. He only showed like two guys who actually ended up coming forward about it, but they seemed ashamed to know the guy I originally sent them to. Still, I guess they weren’t happy with what they saw. No, I wasn’t the happiest with my body either (everyone in this school was so damn skinny), but when this super handsome guy asked to see it, I couldn’t exactly say no. I just wanted to hear that he liked it. That’s how it’s always been. I’ve always just wanted to feel like my body was loved. (A little side story is that I knew this guy before I started at this school, and after we graduated, he changed a lot. Last year we started talking again, and this year we hooked up. I laughed after he left. Turns out the assholes in high school have tiny penises. Makes sense). Anyway, I was the outcast because all the other girls were so skinny and could get whoever they wanted. I’m just lucky I had the friends I did. Okay, so I graduated high school, left on decent terms with most of my class, and then I started stressing out about my high school reunion. Um? Back to Earth, you literally just graduated. Yeah, but after my class thought so low of me, I already knew I wanted to get back at all of them by losing weight and looking super hot. I still have a few years left to make this happen, but it’s a nice thought. Walking into a room with all these people who thought I was fat or annoying, whatever, and finally being the one everyone stares at for good reasons. Like the fact I’m almost 30 and smoking hot. What’s next… college? Now, college has been interesting to say the least. College guys are so much different than I expected. That is, when I started college. Now they’re predictable as fuck. It would take a novel to go through all the guys I thought I had a connection with and ended up just being a chew toy for them. I was emotionally destroyed. Multiple times. Guys suck. Guys will say anything just to have sex with you with no strings attached, but you probably know that. So I’ll skip all the guys who have used me from one night to the guys who have used me for years at a time to leave me for someone else, and go to the most recent and most surprising. Last year, I, a 19 year old at the time, decided to go after a 35 year old man. In a band. Wow. Surprise. I thought, “okay, men mature at 43, so a 35-year-old shouldn’t break my heart or anything like that. Actually, I don’t think I’ll even catch feelings for this guy. I’m 19, he’s 35, that would never happen. I’m good, this will be fun.” Ha. I’m so smart. After an entire year of sleeping with this 35-year-old, I’m now 20, I hadn’t caught feelings. It was literally the best sex of my entire life, but I hadn’t caught feelings. I knew it was just sex. At least until he started talking about how beautiful my body was and how much he loved my hair and then he invited me to stay over for the first time and all this SAPPY BULLSHIT HE KEPT PULLING OUT OF HIS ASS. Guess I caught feelings. Fuck. A couple weeks later, “I miss your beautiful face.” No don’t do that to me. Then I get a text. “Hey so what’s this about? Are you officially together?” Um. Okay, so he’s in a relationship, and it sure as Hell isn’t with me, because he didn’t ask. He also has his relationship status blocked from me on Facebook so I wouldn’t have been able to see it. Luckily, my friends have my back. What thoughts came to my mind? Of course I really just wanted to drive over to his house and punch him in his face. You’d think he’d mention something to me, considering I was at his house in his bed every week, but I guess grown ass men do things differently. Then I started getting the same thoughts I got when every other guy in my life left. I’m too fat, I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, my personality sucks, my life isn’t exciting, I don’t have a plan set in stone for the future, every negative thought popped into my head. I was hurt, I was furious, I reached my limit. I was done. No more. I threw my phone across the room. I got off my ass. And I ran into the workout room. I’ve always hated exercise, especially after my car accidents last year. My back always hurts. But I’m not going to play the victim anymore. These car accidents happened, I’m not dead, I can walk by myself, I’m good, I can push through it. These guys aren’t going to walk all over me anymore. I’m an amazing fucking woman with many interests, a big heart, and no room in my life for anyone who treats me less than I deserve. And I deserve a lot.

That’s just part of it, though.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have some sort of “revenge body transformation” to show off to the people who have shamed me for my weight. But my true goal is to make myself better. I don’t like the person I’ve become.

I’m done using sex to make myself feel better about the way I look. That’s not getting me anywhere. This is my life now, and I’m not going to let anyone control the way I see myself.

You don’t have to like me, but I’d like to see you fuck with me now.

Let’s begin.

#weightloss #motivation #newbeginnings #i'm done

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lullaandby · 4 years ago

Text

SECTION C.

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short.

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.

a treasure chest of anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy.

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo! You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation.

"These guys are no good.

Nah. Not like how they used to be.

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior.

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad.

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

Dad. We're done here.

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold.

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net

there’s a photo of your neighbor,

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year.

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys.

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Corninthians and just put in random numbers.

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away.

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese

Do it out

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set.

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential.

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl.

Who was just one two many break ups deep.

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny.

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one.

STORY- ME

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE.

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office

Keep talking about going to sweet greens

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness.

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething.

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION.

Repression in females comes from mis placed validation

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS

Jessica simpson?

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane.

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off.

MOTHER SHAME.

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack.

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah.

Just do it out. Oprah.

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family

Who came before them

As precious moments statues.

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science.

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS

*****

SECTION D.

KNOW YOUR READY FOR KIDS

You know your ready for kids because

Before when you didn’t get your period and you weren’t having sex

All you would do is just be like wishing your uterus fondnesses

Thinking that she finally quit,

Because you can’t blame her all you see around you is nonsense

Hopefully she is living out her dreams in tiajuanna on a donkey

Wearing a sombrero and partying with a small person,

Who she has to set boundaries with because she’d very into

Group sex and that’s not her jam

GROUP SEX

Steph and group sex

Have you ever had a friend who is either being very sexually curious

Or has a really specific thing that they want to try and they’d like

You to come with them so they just start injecting it into conversations?

FIND SOMEONE

You can’t seem to find anyone yet every single member of the Duggar family is married.

That’s a lot of kids and you still can’t get a date to last past month three.

BJs WHOLESALE

FIND U A MAN

There’s a lot of dating advice out there for ladies but the best is-

Find u a man who looks at you

And takes care of you like he does his own penis.

You’ll have

infinite protection

Generous massages

Fresh assortment of culture- movies and photos

Literature in the form of light reading

Long trips

Shelter

If you have sad emotions he’ll do anything to take care of you

And

Poetry.

POETRY

Found a website called Hogtied, part of a collection of websites called kink. All the women were tied up. Hot. They also all had clips on their nipples. Sure. The dudes fucking them had locks on their balls.

I'm young, I just assumed that's how adults fucked. So I found some bigass locks for a locker, locked my balls, and started rubbing. It was uncomfortable, but if that's how adults fuck, then I guess I'd better get used to it.

I'll never forget when I finally came. I felt warm inside, like my soul was being cradled by light, all emanating from my dick.

I'm just glad my roommates didn't happen to come downstairs and see me putting mustard on my dick illuminated by the gentle glow of the open fridge”

PEZ "Sat at the edge of my bed and catapulted starburst off my rock hard dick into the bobbing maw of a lovely lady I had harbored a crush for for many years. We are still in romance."

"I'm a grower not a shower so I like to take my scrotum and encase my penis with it. Then when I get an erection, it's like an emerging butterfly."

DIFFERNCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES.

WHY WE KILL THEM

Let him live.

Riffs on how ladies don’t listen

Like a dog in a cone

We are always trying to do most likely way too much

WHY THEY KILL US

He is constantly on a voyage to my boobie.

If I look inside his head it often times it will be like this:

Entry log number 654. I’m approaching the boob.

How men don’t listen

How they are so sensitive and we are so so mean

My husband is one of the most sensitive people I know

He bruises like a soft Carolina peach

OK he’s only that way with me b/c he loves me and same with me to him.

So why would I put it in that context?

How about

My husband is so sensitive he has a thick cock?

PHD. /// BOB

MEN ARE A LOT MORE SENSITIVE

Men ae more sensitive but if their values don’t align with yours

FORGET IT.

But we are the same we just keep seeking the validation from them that we don’t give ourselves.

MARRIAGE VS DATING

You stick around for varying reasons

You can’t talk shit behind your husbands back

Not only is it rude

It’s ineffective

Gotta do it right to their face but they are so sensitive

So like to give him the same petty sick burns I give to a female

He doesn’t quite get it which is amazing

When he tries to do it back he does it with sports or movies

And I’m like yeah but I still pulled in money

You my friend are giving questionable hand jobs in the back seat of a car

DAVIDS BIRDAL

BEST PART OF BEING SINGLE

Jelly bean jar/ hyptoenuse

You’ll never figure it out because couples lie

S- CAVEAT EMPTOR//Economy Model Husband

Black Lab

Story- TUNA MELT//BRIDGET JONES

Just don’t care

*****

SECTION F

OVERSHARE****

METH NANNY pt2. 20 seconds

My go to overshare detail

Is that I’m a nanny and graduated from college

Some people quickly catipult into concerned pity.

They'll go-

"ohhhhhh nooooo. what happened? {really dramtic sad face}

did you take a slipsy- slidey into the meth-em-phetamines?

it that what you did?

well you have all your teeth, so, it looks like you're on the upside of things"

TRYING 20

I want life advice from a person whose stumbling onto their own personal truth-

The guy in the office who does barely any work,

yet has taken it upon himself to give all the ladies in the office massages-

He's found own glory in caressing Edna's sciatica.

BUSINESS VENTURES.

Sending off used panties, Netflix dvds

ROCK BOTTOM

Some jobs feel like your own personal rock bottom.

In reality you're in an office watching an excel presentation

But in your soul you’re standing in the middle of Target holding a bag of sun chips and trying to move slowly because you just had an accident in your pants.

ASS THAT WONT QUIT 15

Some people have told me that I have an ass that won't quit,

which is strange.

I've never stayed in a job past a year.

So Historically I'm a quitter and I'm pretty sure my ass follows suit.

Stories- work

*******

****

SECTION F.

CANT HANG

FRIENDS (material. )

AFFIRMATIONS

The biggest cautionary tape is When a friends occasional affirmational FB posts turn into daily ones.

I called up one of my best friends after seeing her posts and asked if her marriage- which had been rocky for several years had finally ended.

How did you know? She said.

If I had strung a week’s worth of her posts together there'd be fantastic copy for a new anti- depressant commercial.

FRIEND BREAK UPS

TRUE FEMINISM

QUESTIONABLE INTENSITY

Friends who are Fathers can be slightly overprotective of their daughters,

And mothers can have a questionable level of intensity with their sons.

My friend pointed at her son as he was playing with Legos and said, "oh my God.

Isn't he soooo hot?"

I had to remind her, " ah at one point he relied on you for sustinance-

and that’s Nasty Caroline.

And she said, " I know. I know-

{caramel voice} But oooooh gurl if he didn't, Hey baby . I see you. Keep building that tower."

We then had a conversation on what voice intonations are available to nice white ladies from the suburbs-

That’s not one of them.

Not for you girlfriend.

Ditto to any snapping motions.

Twerking on a case by case basis.

SECTION G

MOCHA

OUTRAGE. 25 seconds

When a white Person stands up for issues facing people of color with such force-

It feels incredible.

Wow Luke. You really care. Super woke. Good job.

Then you see that same person display the equivalent level of outrage-

for an empty ketchup bottle.

And you realize just they're working out a wide array of anger management issues.

Not really. on. my team.

CRAFTS

Thank you. To the white people who actually do something.

Any show of support is great but I do have some questions.

To the people who went into their craft bins and got pins, to affix to their shirts and show solidarity.

ah- but you had a whole craft bin.

I’m not saying anything fancy but a little flare would have been appreciated.

A hat with a pom pom?

Story- affirmative action

****

SECTION H.

DIC PIC. 20 seconds

I've been working with kids for about 15 years, that means parents periodically send me unsolicited snapshots of their little cuties.

Which- is the same as a dick pic.

That little head pops up on the screen, {hand movement} and all life choices need to be reevaluated

DIC AS CURRENCY. 20 seconds

I heard a person say “that’s going to cost you a dick pic”

Hmm. Have things gotten so real with bitcoin we’re now using Dick pics as currency.

Starbucks girl:Venti iced coffee. Ok that will be two chodes and a a gagger

Me: ok, here you go.

Starcucks girl: Oh okokok. Sorry um that’s only one chode.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. I was trying to be generous.

Never gotten a dic pic :(

I have never gotten a dick pic.

Perhaps it’s because my personality is it’s own restraining order.

I used to be sad about that in my twenties.

The same way I was sad about having small breasts,

I mean let’s be mature and call them tiddies-

In my twenties.

But then you wake up at thirty two, the sun shining in your apartment and you go out for a ice cream sandwich without a bra and watch a couple looking miserable

And it all makes sense

DATING

Dating-stories

Cemetery guy//soap

Divorced guy with ring

BALTIMORE BUTTS. 50 seconds

Ladies have a tendency to set the expectations of themselves incredibly high.

Take body maintenance.

My friend gets electrolysis everywhere,

including. her butthole.

Which is not only fiscally rediculous-

It's a welcome statement.

NOPE. mmmmhmm not here.

I need my butthole to be COMPLETELY terrifying.

You're driving down a really pleasant residential street and you see that one house that gives you the chills and you have roll up the windows.

That's the aesthetic I desire.

A creaky step. Some chipped paint. Screams from the inside. Ace.

It's tricky though because of the close proximiity to my punash, which needs to be incredibly welcoming.

It's doable.

Have you ever been to Baltimore or Philly?

***tag

So, possible. Just give specific coordinates.

BB tag. Dinner party.

***

2. CAHTZ (differences between men and women)

3. Girls are always covering for cat’s poor behavior past or present

5. “Yeah well what did you do to the cat?”

7. Boys are always selling

8. At least one sports team’s merits even if they don’t like sports.

SUPERIOR SEX.

There is no superior sex

If men were the superior sex

They would tell ladies that if you swallowedjizz

You’d loose 10lbs

If women were the superior sex

They’d bottle up all the hope in a mans eyes

When you talk about blow jobs

And just place it in a jar.

Just unleash it like fairy dust

Or whatever they use to make Disney world so magical.

SECTION I

2. ARTISTIC INTEGRITY.

3. Brother is a nerd

5. NERDS

7. Valuing yourself for your intellect is no different than valuing yourself for your looks

10. Put you down for not knowing things

11. Ask about things they know you don’t know

12. Have side conversations with other people who know things and laugh at a person not knowing

13. Act like your like you’re stupid b/c they had certain training without talking to you

14.

15.

16. They don’t value.

17. Having athletic ability

18. Knowing about pop culture

19. Being able to socialize

20. Being able to build things in a blue collar way

21. Having a work ethic that doesn’t require “difficult” mental tasks

22. Being kind to people who don’t have influence

23.

24.

25. Things they do.

26. Being lauded for smart achievements

27. Knowing things in their field

28. Knowing niche culture things

29. Not caring if they are cool (but caring)

30.

31.

32. Things they get pissed off on.

33. If you don’t validate their knowledge

34. Making fun in anyway way

35.

36.

37. The kardashians of education.

38. Look at all this intelligence just look at it.

39.

40.

41. Reformed

42. Married a wife who dragged him away from his home base of friends

43.

44. Double down

45. Always ready to quiz you on arbitrary topics

46. Like doughnuts

47.

48. Dabbling

49. Until you hit a point of their area of expertise

50.

51. Professor

52. Debates and bows out when they loose

(The only thing we have in common is our insane parents. He doesn’t like religion I love it)

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