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fourteenaway · 4 years ago

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This Is the Start, This Is Your Heart | The Story of Cary / Part II

tw: suicide, death.

If ever a child was born into a palace of adoring worshipers, it was Cary with his wavy dark blond hair, dark, dark blue eyes, beautiful red lips and long lashes. He was beautiful, and had bits of both Caren and Leeland all over.

To him, his mother could give the lavish affection, she’d been unable to give his father.

From the very first Cary seemed to know Caren was his mother. He seemed to know her voice, her touch, even the sound of her footsteps. Yet he had almost as great a love for Cassidy who ran home every night straight from William's office to gather him in her arms and play with him for hours.

Upstairs William had made a nursery, completely refurbished with a crib, playpen, bassinet and dozens of soft plush stuffed animals a baby could enjoy without harming himself. There were times when both William and Daniel would rush home with the same toy. They'd look at each other, and both would force a smile to hide the embarrassment. Then Caren had to rush forward and exclaim, "Two men with the same idea."

And one would have to be taken back, but never, never did she let either one know whose gift it was that she returned.

She knew she had to settle something that should have been settled a long time ago. If only Leeland hadn't put himself in the way, then she’d be William’s wife now, and Cary would be William's son, and yet, she loved Cary for who he was.

Christmas came and Cary, less than a year old, sat amidst his presents, wide-eyed and bewildered, not knowing what to do, or which toy to pick up first.

Snap, snap, snap went the click of three cameras. But William had the movie camera, not Daniel, Cassidy or her.

Cary seemed quite happy with his situation. He wasn’t spoiled, he didn’t whine or make unnecessary demands, he just accepted. He could sit for minutes staring from one person to the other, as if sizing each of them up, and their relationship to him.

Somehow he was more like Daniel than anyone. He had his patience and often quiet sweetness. Only occasionally did he have the brashness of his father-and his mother. But nothing at all about Cary reminded Caren of Cassidy; he smiled so much more than she.

Nevertheless, when Cassidy strolled through William's gardens with Cary in her arms, she pointed out the differences between this tree and that. Incessantly explaining. She forced Cary to imitate speech sooner than he would have otherwise.

“Regard this oak leaf,” said Cassidy one day after Cary had learned to walk, and spring breezes stirred the air.

“Each tree leaf has its own shape, texture and smell. All flowers open up easily for a bee to enter, except the rose. But daisies don't smell as pretty as roses, so the bees fly right on by, and head for the roses that are so stingy with their nectar, and hold their heads high on tall stems.”

Oh, how fast the years go when you have a baby to fill all the hours. All of them took snapshots like crazy: Cary's first smile; his first tooth; his first crawl from Caren to Daniel, and then over to William, and to Cassidy.

For short while Caren worked with Leeland’s mother teaching ballet, but it went as poorly as one might expect it too and once the insurance company paid out, Caren was free to leave and take Cary with her.

“Ah,” Madame said, falling into her old swivel desk chair, “now that you have money and can pay off bills. I suppose you will quit working for me and go off somewhere, yah?"

"I'm not sure just what I plan to do yet. But you must admit, Madame, you and I don't get along very well, do we?" Caren asked.

“You have too many ideas I don't like. You think you know more than me! You think now that you work here a few months, you can go away and start a new school of your own!"

She smiled evilly to see the start of surprise, revealing the truth she only guessed at.

“So ... you think me stupid too! You'll look all your life before you find another as smart as me. I read your mind, Caren. You don't like me, never have never will...yet you come to work for me to learn the business, right again? I don't care. Dancing schools come and dancing schools go, but the Romanov School of Ballet will go on forever! Once I thought I'd leave it to Leeland, but he's dead, then I thought when I die, I'd leave it to you, but I won't if you take your son away so I can't teach him!"

"Madame, that is your choice, but I am taking Cary away,” Caren said firmly.

"Why? You think you can teach him as well as I can?" She hisses.

"I don't know for certain, but I think I can. My son may not choose to be a dancer," Caren continued, ignoring her hard stony eyes, "If he does decide one day, I think I will make an able teacher, as good as any."

"If he chooses to dance!" The words coming out like cannonshot, "What other choice does Leeland's son have but to dance? It is in his bones, in his brain-and most of all in his blood and in his heart! He dances-or he dies!"

Caren stood up after that, ready to leave. It was in her heart to be kind to her, to let her share in Cary's life, but the meanness in her hard eyes changed her mind. She would take her son and make of him what she'd made of Leeland, someone who could never find fulfillment because life offered to him but one choice.

"I didn't expect to say this today, Madame, but you force me. You made Leeland believe if he couldn't dance, then life held nothing. He would have recovered from that broken neck and his internal injuries, except you said he would never dance again and he overheard you. He wasn't sleeping. So, he chose to die! The very fact that he could move the arm that wasn't strapped down, enough to steal the scissors from that nurse's pocket, proved he was already recovering but all he could see was a bleak desert where the ballet didn't exist! Well, Madame... you are not doing that to my son! My son will have the chance to choose for himself what kind of life he wants, and I hope to God it is not the ballet!"

"You fool!" Madame spat at her, jumping up to pace back and forth in front of her old, beat-up desk, “there is nothing better than adulation from your fans, the sound of thundering applause, the feel of roses in your arms! And soon enough you will find that out for yourself! You think to take my husband's grandson away, and hide him from the stage? Cary will dance, and before I die I will live to see him on stage-doing what he must, or he too will die! You wanna play 'mommy," she sneered, curling her lip scornfully, "and 'wifey' to one of those handsome doctor’s too, perhaps? And make another child for him, yah? Well to hell with you, Caren, if that is all you want out of life."

She broke then, and sobs came from deep down in her depths, to make her voice when she spoke again harsh and husky, when before it had been high and shrill.

"Yes,go on. Marry one of those doctors you've had a desire for since you came starry-eyed and fresh faced as a kid to me and ruin his life too!"

“Ruin his life too?" Caren repeated dully.

Madame spun about and hisses, "You got something eating at you, Caren, Something gnawing at your guts. Something so bitter it simmers in your eyes and grits your teeth together! I know your kind. You ruin everyone who touches your life and God help the next man who loves you as much as my son did!”

Unexpectedly, some enigmatic, invisible cloak dropped down to wrap Caren in the cool, detached poise that reminded her so much of her mother’s.

Never before had she felt so untouchable.

"Thank you for enlightening me, Madame. Good-bye and good luck. You won't be seeing me again, or Cary,” Caren said before taking her leave.

The month was May, and the day after Cassidy’s twentieth birthday party, celebrated without Daniel there now that he was off at the Mayo Clinic. Cassidy, Cary and Caren set off in her car, backing out of William’s driveway where we had come to say good-bye. William waved and when Caren looked in the rear-view mirror she saw him reach in his breast pocket for his handkerchief.

With Cassidy beside her and Cary on Cassidy’s lap she headed straight for Virginia.

Cassidy was much more excited now that they were on their way, her big blue eyes wide as she commented on everything they passed.

“Oh, I love to travel!” Cassidy said happily.

When Cary grew sleepy, she carefully made a bed for him on the back seat and sat with him to be sure he didn't roll off and fall to the floor.

“He's so beautiful, Caren. I am going to have at least six children, or maybe even more. I want half to look just like Cary, and half like you and Daniel, and two or three like William.”

Caren laughed and shook her head, "I love you, Cassidy, and I pity you too. You're planning on a dozen children, not just six."

She ended up purchasing a small three bedroom cottage on the hill, perfect for her, Cary, and Cassidy. And ended up purchasing a ballet school nearby.

Once the owner was certain she was intent on buying the school she sighed and handed the list of students over to Caren.

“Most of these children belong to the wealthy people who live around here, and I don't think any of them seriously intend to become professional dancers. They come to please their parents who like to see them looking pretty in little tutus during the recitals. I have failed to turn out one gifted performer."

But Caren knew she most likely had a gifted performer in her home already.

In three weeks they’d settled into a new routine, with her teaching the ballet school, and Cassidy doing the housework and most of the cooking while she looked out for Cary.

As often as possible Caren took Cary with her to class, not only to relieve Cassidy of the responsibility, but also to have him near her.

She was also remembering Madame Milena’s talk of letting him look and listen and get the feel of the dance.

Caren was twenty-seven now and Cassidy was twenty, and though it’d been awhile since she’d seen him, Daniel would be thirty in November. It seemed like an impossible age for him. But she only had to look at Cary to see how quickly time moves as you get older.

The best was that Cassidy seemed to be falling in love and Caren was happy for her. Everything seemed to be going well for Cassidy and for Caren too, for her ballet school was progressing nicely and any day Daniel would be coming to visit.

“Cassidy, can you believe it? Daniel’s extended course is almost up!" Caren asked

She laughed and came running to Caren, as she had when she was a little girl, and in her outstretched arms she flung herself.

“I know!" she cried. “Soon we will be almost whole again. Like we used to be, Caren.”

She sighed so happily as she said, “One day I’m going to have a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes, guess who I'll name him after."

Caren didn't have to guess, she knew. Her firstborn, blond, blue-eyed son would be called Cody Daniel, for their lost brother and for Daniel who they both loved so much.

But as soon as Cassidy’s happiness came, it seemed to fade away.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Caren asked Cassidy a few days later,“You haven't been eating well. Where has your appetite gone?"

She said quietly, her face expressionless, “I'm just fine. I just don't feel like eating much. Don't take Cary with you today to your dance studio. Let me keep him all day. I miss him when he goes away with you."

Caren felt uneasy about leaving her all day with Cary who while better than most children, could still be a handful, and Cassidy didn't look like she was feeling well.

"Cassidy, be honest with me, please. If you feel unwell, let me take you to a doctor."

"It's my time of the month," she said with her eyes downcast, “I just feel crampy in my middle three or four days before it starts."

Only the blues of the month, and when you were her age Caren supposed you did feel more cramps than at her own. Caren kissed her small son good-bye while he set up a terrible wail, wanting to go with her and watch the dancers.

“Wanna hear the music, Mommy," objected Cary who knew very well what he wanted and what he didn't, “Wanna watch the dancers!"

“We'll go for a walk in the park. I'll push you in the swing and we'll play in the sandbox," said Cassidy hastily, picking up Cary and holding him close, “Stay with me, Cary. I love you so much and I never see enough of you. Don't you love your aunt, Cassidy?"

Cary smiled and threw his arms about her neck, for yes, Cary loved everyone.

It was a terribly long day. Several times Caren called to check on Cassidy to see if she was alright.

“I'm fine, Caren. Cary and I had a wonderful time in the park. I'm going to lie down now and take a nap-so don't call and wake me up again,” she told her.

Caren glanced at her watch later and saw it was almost six o'clock, then changed into her street clothes and ran the two blocks to her small house. Cassidy should have been in the kitchen preparing dinner while Cary played in the fenced-in yard. But Caren didn't see Cary, nor was Cassidy in the kitchen.

"Cassidy," Caren called, “I'm home, where are you and Cary hiding?"

"In here," she responded in a thin whisper.

All the way Caren ran to find her still in bed. Weakly she explained Cary was staying with the next-door neighbor.

“Caren... I don't really feel very good. I've thrown up four or five times; I can't remember how many and I'm so crampy. I feel funny, real funny,” she muttered.

Caren put her hand to her head and found it strangely cold, though the day was very warm. "I'm going to call a doctor."

No sooner were the words out of her mouth than she had to laugh bitterly at herself. There wasn't a doctor in this town who made house calls. Caren ran back to Cassidy and stuck a thermometer in her mouth, then gasped to read the figures.

"Cassidy, I'm going to get Cary and then I'm driving you to the nearest hospital. You have a temperature of one hundred and three point six!"

Listlessly she nodded, then drifted off to sleep. Caren rushed next door to check on Cary, who was happily playing with a little girl a month older than he was.

“Look, Mrs. Laurent,” said Mrs. Tennyson, a sweet, motherly woman in her late forties who was taking care of her granddaughter, “if Cassidy is sick, let me keep Cary until you come home. I do hope Cassidy isn't seriously ill. She's such a dear little thing. But I've noticed she's been looking pale and miserable for a day or so."

Caren had noticed the same thing, but had tied it all to her romance going awry.

How wrong she had been.

The very next day Caren called William, “Caren, what's wrong?" He said when he heard the panic in her voice.

Caren spilled it all out, how Cassidy was sick and in the hospital where they had already done several tests, and still they didn't know what was wrong with her.

“William, she looks dreadful! And she's losing weight fast, unbelievably fast! She's vomiting, can't keep any food down. She keeps calling for you and Daniel too."

"I'll have another doctor fill in for me here and fly right up there," he said without hesitation. “But wait before you try and get in touch with Daniel. The symptoms you name are so common to a number of minor ailments."

Caren took him at his word and didn't try to contact Daniel who was enjoying a two-week tour of the West Coast before he came home and continued his residency.

In three hours William was with her in the hospital room staring down at Cassidy. She smiled weakly to see him there and held out her thin arms.

"Hello," she whispered thinly, “I'll bet you didn't think you'd see me in an ole hospital bed, did you?"

Immediately he took her in his arms and began to ask questions.

What were her first signs that something was wrong?

"About a week ago, I started feeling very tired. I didn't tell Caren 'cause she worries so much about me anyway. Then I had headaches and I felt sleepy all the time, and I got big bruises and didn't know how I got them. Then I combed my hair and lots and lots of it came out, and then I just started throwing up, and other things that other doctors have already asked me and I told them."

Her thin, whispering voice drifted off then and said, “I wish I could see Daniel," she mumbled before her eyes closed and she was asleep.

William had already seen Cassidy's chart and talked to her doctors. Now he turned to Caren with that blank expression that put dread in her heart, it was so fraught with meaning.

He sighed and said, "Maybe you ought to send for Daniel."

"Williaml! Do you mean...?" She started.

"No, I don't mean that. But if she wants him, he should be here with her,” William sighs.

Caren stood in the hall, waiting for the doctors to do certain tests on Cassidy. They had chased her from the room. As she paced back and forth before the closed door to her room, she sensed Daniel before she saw him.

She whirled about, catching her breath to see Daniel striding down the long corridor, bypassing nurses carrying bedpans and trays of medicines who gaped to see him in all his splendid glory.

Time rolled backward and she saw that young boy smiling at her so shyly but encouragingly when she’d ended up on his brother’s doorstep. Back when there was no one she could trust, no one she imagined having gone through losses such as hers. Now he was all grown and still growing handsomer with each passing year which seemed impossible at this point.

She couldn't speak as she crashed into Daniel’s arms, crying as he took her in his arms and bowed his tanned face down into her hair. She heard the thud of his heart beating strong and regular and she sobbed, so near a deluge of tears, "It didn't take you long to get here,” she whispered.

His face was in her hair and his voice was husky, “Caren," he asked, raising his head and looking her directly in the eyes, "What is wrong with Cassidy?"

She could see the worry etched in his face, because if William viewed Cassidy as a daughter, Daniel saw her as a sister and he’d already lost so much, a sister a brother, a just short of three sets of parents. He couldn’t lose another and Caren didn’t think she could either.

His question stunned her though, for he should know, she’d told him the story and he’d been there and had been the one to guess when they showed up on the Derrick’s doorstep nearly dead on their feet. "Can't you guess? It's that damned arsenic, I know it is! What else could it be? She was fine until a week ago, then all of a sudden she's sick."

Caren broke then and sobbed, "She wants to see you." But before she led him to Cassidy's small room, she put in his hand a note she'd found in Cassidy’s diary.

"Daniel, Cassidy knew for a long time something was going wrong, but she kept it to herself. Read this and tell me what you think.”

And while he read, her eyes stayed glued to his face.

Dear Caren and Daniel,

Sometimes if I shut my eyes I think you two are my real parents, cause you look like you could be, even though Dr. William doesn’t, and you two were always there for me. But then I remember my real mom and dad. Mom, she seems like a dream that never was, and I can't picture Dad unless I have his photograph in my hand. Daniel always reminded me so much of him, I think it helped me pretend he was. But I can still picture Cody just like he was. I've been hiding something. So if I don't write this you are going to blame yourselves. For a long time I've felt I was going to die soon, and I don't care anymore, like I used to. I wouldn't have lived this long anyways if you two, and Cary, and Dr. William hadn't loved me so much. Without all of you to hold me here, I would have gone on to Cody a long time ago. Everybody has somebody special to love, except me. Everybody has something special to do, except me. I've always known I'd never get married. I knew I was fooling myself about having children. I’ll never be anybody special, like you, Caren, who can dance and have babies and everything else. I can't be a doctor like Daniel or Dr. William, so I'd just be nothing much, just somebody to get in the way and worry everybody because I'm unhappy. So, right now, before you read on further, promise in your heart you won't let the doctors do anything to make me live on. Just let me die, and don't cry. Don't feel sad and miss me after I'm buried. Nothing has been right, or felt right since Cody went away to heaven and left me. What I regret most is I won't be around to watch Cary dance on stage like Leeland used to. But I should have died with Cody. But thank you, Caren, for being like my mother and the best sister alive. And thank you, Daniel, for you and Dr. William were both like substitute fathers, but also Daniel, for you were my second best brother.

Love you all,

Cassidy

“Oh, dear God!" cried Daniel,“Caren, what does this mean?"

Only then could she open her purse and take from it something she'd found hidden away in the dark, far end of the closet in Cassidy's room. His blue eyes grew wide and the color seemed to fade as he read the name of the rat poison bottle, then saw the package of sugared doughnuts with only one left. One left. It had been bitten into just once. Tears began to course down his cheeks, then he was really sobbing on her shoulder.

“Oh, God ... she put that arsenic on the doughnuts, didn't she, so she could die in the same way Cody did,” he muttered having heard the story from Caren so many years ago.

Caren broke free from his clutching arms and backed a few feet away, feeling she was drained of all blood, “Can't you see this is just another murder my mother’s committed?"

"She isn't dead yet!" Daniel cried,"We'll save her! We won't let her die. We'll talk to her, tell her she has to hold on!"

Caren ran to hold him, fearing it was too late and desperately hoping it wasn't. Even as they clung together, made parents again by their common suffering, William came from Cassidy's room.

The solemn expression on his drawn face told them everything.

"Daniel," said William calmly, "how wonderful to see you again. I'm sorry the circumstances are so sad."

"There's hope, isn't there?" cried Daniel who’d already been through enough death to last lifetime.

"There's always hope. We are doing what we can. You look so tan and vibrant. Hurry in to see Cassidy and pass along some of that vitality to her. Caren and I have said all we can think of to try to make her fight back and gain her will to live. But she has given up. She has her head turned toward the windows. I don't think she realizes what is said or what is done. She's gone off somewhere out of our reach."

William and Caren trailed along behind Daniel who ran to Cassidy.

She lay thin as a rail beneath a pile of heavy covers, when it was still summer. It just didn't seem possible she could age so quickly! All the firm, ripe, rosy roundness of youth had fled, leaving her small face gaunt and hollow. Her eyes were deep pits to make her cheekbones very prominent.

Daniel cried out to see her so. He leaned to gather her in his arms, called her name repeatedly, and stroked her long hair. To his horror hundreds of the golden strands clung to his fingers when he drew them away.

"Good God,” he cried, “What's being done for her?"

When he brushed the hair from his fingers Caren hurried forward to pluck them from his hands, and in a plastic box, she carefully laid them out. The electric static of the box kept them in place. An idiot notion, she supposed, but she couldn't bear to see her sisters, beautiful hair swept up and thrown away. Her hair glinted on the pillows, on the bedspread, on the white lace of her gown.

"William, answer me! What is being done to help Cassidy?" Daniel demanded again.

“Everything we know how to do," answered William, his voice low and soft, the way people speak when death is near, “A team of good doctors are working around the clock to save her. But her red blood cells are being destroyed faster than we can replace them with transfusions."

Three days and nights all of them lingered beside Cassidy's bedside while Caren’s neighbor took care of Cary. Each of them who loved her prayed that she'd live.

Flowers arrived daily to fill her room, but Caren didn't look to see who sent them. She sat beside Daniel or William, or between both, and held to their hands and silently prayed.

Caren looked upon Daniel who looked like he may fall apart though he still tried and tried as he might to muster a smile for her, to hold that hope he always held even in the darkest of times, but she could see the darkest of storms behind his blue eyes.

“Daniel,” she whispered to him, but he didn’t answer

She brought Cary to him to see that light back in his face, and some of it did come back as he wrapped Cary up in his arms and heard him call out to him.

Cary adored everyone, but Caren’s heart soared to see how Cary adored Daniel, and as Cary fell asleep against Daniel’s shoulder, arms draped around his neck, Daniel’s lips pressed in Cary’s soft dark blond hair, whispering some soft lullaby. They looked more like father and son, than any pair she’d ever seen, as he paced the hospital halls back and forth, Cary dozing in his arms.

He was silent and she repeated his name, only then did he finally cast his eyes in her direction to whisper, “If God lets Cassidy die I don’t think I can go on. Death...it follows me Caren. I can’t...I can’t let it touch you or Cary.”

Caren took both him and Cary into her arms squeezing them tightly, terrified to let him go, cause is Cassidy died he might never come back.

It was the fourth night after Daniel arrived. Caren dozed beside Cassidy. The others were trying to catch a catnap before they too were ill when Caren heard Cassidy call her name.

She ran to her bed and knelt beside it, then reached for her small hand under the covers. It was only a bony hand now, with skin so translucent her veins and arteries could be seen.

“Darling, I've been waiting for you to wake up," Caren whispered in a hoarse voice. “Daniel is just in the hall, shall I call them in?"

"No," Cassidy whispered. “I want to talk only to you. I'm gonna die, Caren," she said it so calmly, as if it didn't matter, as if she accepted it and was glad.

"No!" Caren objected strongly, “You are not going to die! I'm not going to let you die! I love you as my own child. Many people love and need you, Cassidy! And Daniel loves you so much, you know how much he’s gone through already. He can’t take another loss. Let me call him in so he can see you,” Caren begged.

"Nooo," she whispered thinly.

“Cassidy please, you’ve so much to live for. Me, Daniel William, and Cary too. Don’t break our hearts Cassidy. Hang on long enough to let the doctors help you. Don’t give up. Cary wants his aunt back. Every day he asks where you are. What am I going to tell him? That you didn’t care enough to live?”

Cassidy shook her head lightly and whispers, “You all don’t need me. Even Cary doesn’t need me. Cary’s got lots of be beside me to love and care for him. He’s going to be so amazing Caren, I can already see it. He’s gonna be all the good that Leeland failed to be for you and all the good that Daniel is, and all the good that Cody would have been wrapped into one. I wish I could see him dance, cause I know he will. But he’ll have you, Daniel, and William to love him, he’ll be fine without me. But Cody, he's waiting for me, Caren. I can see him right now. Look over there behind your shoulder; he's standing next to Dad....”

“Cassidy, don’t,” Caren whispers before Cassidy fell silent and her eyes rolled heavenward cause she was dead.

They buried Cassidy on a warm summer day, but Caren couldn’t bring herself to leave her there for that first night. No she had to spend the first night in the cemetery with her cause she couldn’t leave her there alone.

Someone spoke her name softly and someone reached with tenderness to lift her up by her elbows. With his arm about her waist, supporting her, coming as he always did to guide her, he led her from the cemetery where she would have stayed until dawn to see the sun come up.

“No, darling,” said Daniel, “Cassidy doesn't need you now. But others do. Caren, you must forget the past and your plans for revenge. I see the look on your face and read your mind. I'll share with you my secret for finding peace. I've tried to give it to you before but you refuse to listen. Now this time listen and believe! Do as I do and force yourself to forget everything that gives you pain, and remember only what gives you joy. It is the whole secret to happy living, Caren. Forgetting and forgiving."

Bitter, bleak eyes she turned upon him and scornfully she said, “You are indeed very good at forgiving, Daniel, but at forgetting, now that is another matter."

He flushed as red as the dying sun.“Caren, please! Isn't forgiving the better half? I only remember the sweeter part,” cause of course he did, that was just him and as much bitterness as she cast in his direction for it now, she prayed Cary would hold that same belief and not her pension for vengeance.

"No! No!” She shouted and him, but still she clung to him as one who approaches hell holds tight to salvation.

It was then that she saw a woman dressed in black, with her head and face covered by a black veil, duck behind a tree as they approached the road and the parked car. Hiding so they wouldn't see her. But Caren caught a glimpse, enough to reveal the rope of lustrous pearls she wore. Pearls that were there for a thin white hand to lift and nervously, out of long habit, twist and untwist into a knot.

Only one woman she knew did that, and she was the perfect one to wear black, and should run to hide! Forever hide! Color all her days black! Every last one! Caren would see to it that all her remaining days on earth were black.

Caren had waited long enough to deliver what she must. Long enough. And even with Daniel there to try and stop her, even he wouldn't be enough to prevent what she had to do.

The untimely death of Cassidy left a hole in the lives of all who loved her.

Daniel went away to be a resident at the University of Virginia just so he wouldn't be too far from Caren.

“Stay, Caren," pleaded William though when she told him she was going back to her place in Virginia to pick up her life as a dance instructor, “Don't go and leave me alone again,” he pleaded, “Cary needs a father, I need a wife. Cary he needs a man to emulate. I'm sick to death of having you to love only once in a while."

While she loved William a voice in her head whispered that there was only one man she truly wanted her son to emulate, even if he would never be Cary’s father for she had business to take care of and she owed William her love first, and he wouldn’t be far away from Cary. He’d be in Virginia too, close enough for Cary to look to and see what he should be.

"Later," Caren said with hard determination, backing off from his arms, “I'll come to you one day and we will be married, but I have some unfinished business to attend to first."

Early on a Sunday morning a few months later, Caren was warming up at the barre in her bedroom when she looked down to spy on Cary.

He was so small but already was earnestly trying to do as she did. It was sweet to watch him in the mirror she’d moved from the dresser over to the barre.

“Am I dancing?" asked Cary with a wide smile.

“Yes, Cary. You are dancing!" Caren said her heart soaring to watch him.

"Am I good?" He asked dark blue eyes peering up as he followed the time while not even looking at his feet.

"Yes, Cary,” she whispered, prepared to cry, “You are wonderful!"

Cary laughed and hugged her legs and looked up into his mother’s face with that ecstatic rapture only the very young can express, all the wonder of being alive was in his eyes, all the wonder of learning something new every day.

“I love you, Mommy!" He declared happily.

It was something they said to each other a dozen or more times each day.

“Mary's got a daddy. Why don't I have a daddy?" He finally asked though.

It really hurt and she gave him a sad smile, “You did have a daddy, Cary, but he went away to heaven. And maybe someday Mommy will find you a new daddy."

He smiled because he was pleased. Daddy's were big in his world, for all the children in the nursery school had one ... all but Cary.

Just then they heard the front door bang and a familiar voice called her and Cary’s names.

Daniel.

He strode through the small house as Caren hurried toward him in her blue tights, leotards and pointe shoes.

Their eyes met and locked and without a word he held out his arms and she ran unhesitatingly into them.

Cary was pulling on his gray flannel trousers, eager to be swept up in strong, manly arms.

"How's my Cary?" asked Daniel after he kissed both round, rosy cheeks.

Cary’s eyes were huge as they stared at him with the greatest love and admiration, "Uncle Daniel, are you my daddy?"

"No," he said gruffly, putting Cary again on his small feet, "but I sure wish I had a son like you."

Caren shifted around uncomfortably so he couldn't see her eyes, and then she asked what he was doing here when he should be attending his patients.

"Got the weekend off, so I thought I'd spend it with you; that is, if you'll let me."

Caren nodded weakly, as Daniel explained, “I was as good as a resident can be and was rewarded and given a weekend without duty," and then gave Caren one of his most winning smiles.

"Have you heard from William?" Caren asked, “He doesn't come as often as he used to, and he doesn't write much either."

"He's away at another medical convention. I thought he always kept in touch with you,” Daniel said, putting just a little stress on the "you."

"Daniel, I'm worried about William. It isn't like him not to answer every letter I write."

He laughed and fell into a chair, then lifted Cary up on his lap where the little boy buried himself happily into Daniel’s chest, “Maybe, dear Caren you have finally met a man who can get over loving you."

Now Caren didn't know what to say or what to do with her legs and hands. She sat and stared down at the floor, feeling Daniel's long, steady gaze trying to read her intentions. No sooner did she think that than he was asking, "Caren, what are you doing here? What are you planning? Is it your scheme to take Harry Walter from your mother?"

Caren’s head jerked up and met his narrowed blue eyes and felt the heat that sprang up from her heart, “Don't question me like I'm some ten-year-old without a brain. I do what I have to, just as you do."

"Sure, you do. I didn't have to ask, I know. It doesn't take a crystal ball to read you. I know what makes you tick and how your thoughts range, but leave your mother’s husband alone! He’s your step father whether he knows it or not, and he'll never leave her for you! She's got the millions and all you have is youth. There are thousands of younger women he can choose from, why should he choose you?"

Caren didn't say anything, just met his scowling look with her own confident smile, making him flush, then turn aside his face.

She felt mean, cruel and ashamed.

“Daniel, let's not argue. Let's be friends and allies. You and I are all that's left of each of our siblings,” Caren whispered.

His blue eyes grew soft as they studied her, “I was only trying, as I am always trying."

He looked around, then back to her, "I share a room with another resident at the hospital. It would be nice if I could live here with you and Cary. It would be like it used to be, just us."

What he said made her stiffen, "It would be a long drive for you every morning, and you couldn't be on immediate call."

He sighed. “I know—but how about the weekends? Every other weekend I have off-duty time, would that bug you too much?”

"Yes, it would bug me too much. I have a life of my own, Daniel."

She watched him bite down on his lower lip, and felt terrible before he forced a smile, "Okay, have it your way... do what you must, and I hope to God you won't be sorry."

"Will you please drop the subject?"

Caren smiled and went to him and hugged him close, “Be good. Take me as I am, obstinate as Cassidy. Now, what would you like for lunch?"

"I haven't had breakfast yet,” he said.

“Then we'll eat brunch-and that can do for two meals,” Caren said.

From then on the day went swiftly, on Sunday morning he came to the table ready for the cheese omelet he favored.

Cary, thank God, would eat anything. And despite herself she thought of Daniel as a father to Cary. It seemed so right to have him at the table, like it was meant to be. Him reaching across to tossle Cary’s hair and chat with him about what interested him most. He did it so effortlessly cause he like her had played a parent himself to his siblings for so long.

They ambled through the woods after breakfast, using all the trail she followed when she jogged.

Cary rode on Daniel’s shoulder’s resting his chin on top of Daniel’s head as he looked around the world.

Daniel’s eyes floated up towards the hills and he sighed before asking, “Is your mother up there?”

"No. I've heard she's down in Texas in one of those beauty spas for very wealthy women, trying to lose fifteen extra pounds."

Alerted, he swiveled his head, "Who told you that?"

"Who do you think?”

He shook his head violently, then lifted Cary down and set him on his feet, taking his small hand in his, “Damn you for playing with him, Caren! I've seen him. He's dangerous, leave him alone. Go back to William and marry him if you must have a man in your life. Let your mother live out her life in peace. You don't believe for one moment, do you, that she doesn't suffer? Do you think she can be happy knowing what she did? All the money in the world can't give her back what she's lost in you, Cody and Cassidy. Let that be enough revenge."

"It isn't enough. I want to confront her in front of Harry with the truth. And you can stay one hundred years and get down on your knees and plead until your tongue falls out, but I will still go ahead and do what I must!"

The time Daniel stayed with Caren he slept in the room that had been Cassidy's. They did very little talking, though his eyes followed her every movement. He looked drained, lost and, most of all, hurt.

She hated hurting him, she wanted to tell him that when she’d finished what she had to do she’d go back to his brother and have a safe life with him, and Cary would have the father he needed, but she said nothing.

Cary had been in bed for hours when Caren rose, yawned, stretched wide her arms, then glanced at the clock on the mantel which read eleven spying him still sat in front of the fire just watching.

“It's time for bed, Daniel. Especially for you who has to get up so early tomorrow,” Caren told him.

He nodded weakly and whispered, “I miss Cassidy. I miss Kimmy. I miss Ryan. I miss William too. I miss you when you’re not around, and I miss Cary. My life is so full of missing people.”

“Cary and me are right here,” Caren whispered to him.

“For now,” he breathed before Caren grabbed his hand and pulled him towards Cary’s room with speaking.

Together they looked down at Cary, sleeping on his side, face flushed, dark blond hair tousled across his forehead, with his arms wrapped tightly around the stuffed seal Daniel got him at the aquarium.

"When he's sleeping he looks even more like you than, Leeland,” whispered Daniel.

"Good night, Daniel" Caren said as they paused by the door of Cassidy’s room, “sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite."

What she said made his face contort in pain. He turned from her, opened the door to Cassidy's room, then swung back to face her, “That's the way we used to say good night when we lived in the same house," he said, then he turned and closed the door behind him.

Daniel was gone by the time Caren got up at seven o'clock and she cried as Cary stared at her with widened, surprised eyes, "Mommy...?" he asked fearfully.

"It's all right. Mommy just misses your uncle Daniel,” she assured him only crying more when Cary rested his small head in her lap and whispered, “I miss him too.”

#baby cary makes me both so happy and so sad #cary: musing #caren: musing #danield: musing #cary: story

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gospelmusic · 4 years ago

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Full List Of GMA Dove Award Winners 2020

Winners of the 51st Annual GMA Dove Award were announced during a special Facebook broadcast of the pre-telecast awards presentation, which aired on October 29. Under the motto "Carry The Change," the show celebrated the diversity of gospel music and promoted unity through dynamic performances and testimonials.

Australian brother duo For King & Country won the Artist of the Year award, making history as the first duo to win in that top category. Other top category winners include We The Kingdom for "New Artist of the Year," Tasha Cobbs Leonard for "Gospel Artist of the Year" (presented by SoundExchange) and Joseph Habedank for "Southern Gospel Artist of the Year."

Sinach, a renowned Nigerian worship leader, won song of the year for "Way Maker." Recorded in 2015, the world anthem has been covered by notable worship leaders including Bethel Music, Maranda Curtis, Leeland, and Michael W. Smith, whose version ranked # 1 on Billboard's Christian Airplay chart for three weeks.

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Hip Hop icon Kanye West won the award for recorded rap / hip hop song of the year for "Follow God," while Zach Williams won the songwriter of the year (artist) award for the first time without forgetting Jason Ingram, who won the award for composer of the year. (non-artist) for the second year in a row and the third time in five years.

numerous unique collaborations, including a landmark performance by "Contemporary Christian Artist of the Year" winner Tauren Wells with Christine D’Clario, Jenn Johnson and Jekalyn Carr.

See the full list of winners below:

Artist of the year:for KING & COUNTRY

Song of the year:“Way Maker”Writer: Osinachi Kalu Okoro Egbu (Sinach) ; Publisher: Integrity Music Europe

Songwriter of the year – artist:Zach Williams

Songwriter of the year – non artist:Jason Ingram

Producer of the year:Ed Cash & Steven V. Taylor (Team)

New artist of the year:We The Kingdom

Contemporary Christian artist of the year:Tauren Wells

Gospel artist of the year:Tasha Cobbs Leonard

Southern gospel artist of the year:Joseph Habedank

Inspirational film of the year:I Still BelieveDirectors: Andrew Erwin, Jon Erwin, (Producers) Kevin Downes, Andrew Erwin, Jon Erwin

Long form video of the year:Awake (Live), Hillsong WorshipDirectors: Richard Cause, Jared Chapman, Paul Martin, Samuel Irving, Steven Lester; Producers: Johnny Rays, Jessica Ico, Steven Lester

Short form video of the year:“God Only Knows,” for KING & COUNTRY featuring Dolly PartonDirectors/producers: Ben Smallbone, Patrick Tohill

Bluegrass/country/roots album of the year:God & Country, Jimmy FortuneProducer: Ben Isaacs

Bluegrass/country/roots recorded song of the year:

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “Ain’t No Grave,” Karen Peck & New RiverWriters: Jonathan David Helser, Melissa Helser, Molly Skaggs

Children’s album of the year:Sing: Remembering Songs, Ellie HolcombProducers: Nate Dugger, Brown Bannister

Choral collection of the year:Top Anthem CollectionCreator: Johnathan Crumpton; Arrangers: Bradley Knight, Cliff Duren, Mike Speck, Marty Parks, Daniel Semsen, Gary Rhodes, Dave Williamson, Geron Davis, Tom Fettke, Russell Mauldin

Christmas/special event album of the year:Christmas, Phil WickhamProducer: Jonathan Smith

Contemporary gospel album of the year:LONG LIVE LOVE, Kirk FranklinProducers: Kirk Franklin, Shaun Martin, Maxwell Stark, Ronald Hill, S1 for SKP. Inc.

Contemporary gospel recorded song of the year:“People,” Jonathan McReynoldsWriter: Jonathan McReynolds

Gospel worship album of the year:Broken Record, Travis GreeneProducers: Travis Greene, Brunes Charles

Gospel worship recorded song of the year:“Something Has to Break (Live),” Kierra Sheard, featuring Tasha Cobbs LeonardWriters: J. Drew Sheard, Kierra Valencia Sheard, Mia Fieldes, Jonathan Smith

Inspirational album of the year:Firm Foundation, SelahProducers: Brent Milligan, Chris Bevins, Jason Kyle Saetveit

Inspirational recorded song of the year:“Yet Not I But Through Christ In Me,” SelahWriters: Michael Farren, Rich Thompson, Jonny Robinson

Instrumental album of the year:Untitled Hymn: A Collection of Hymns (Instrumental), Chris RiceProducers: Chris Rice, Ken Lewis

Musical of the year:Messiah Overcame – An Easter MusicalCreators: Mike Harland, John Rowsey, (Arrangers/Orchestrators) Cliff Duren, Jim Hammerly, Christopher Phillips, Phil Nitz

Pop/contemporary album of the year:Citizen of Heaven, Tauren WellsProducers: Chuck Butler, Jordan Sapp, Kirk Franklin, Max Stark, Colby Wedgeworth, Rascal Flatts

Pop/contemporary recorded song of the year:“Rescue,” Lauren DaigleWriters: Jason Ingram, Lauren Daigle, Paul Mabury

Rap/hip hop album of the year:MOOD // DOOM, Social Club MisfitsProducers: Young Sidechain, Dirty Rice, Cardec, Ben Lopez, Colby Wedgeworth, Tedd Tjornhom, Martin Santiago, Dave James, Rey King, Jordan Sapp

Rap/hip hop recorded song of the year:“Follow God,” Kanye WestWriter: Kanye West

Recorded music packaging of the year:Rescue Story (Zach Williams, not awarded to artist)Art director/graphic artist: Tim Parker; Photographer: Eric Brown

Rock/contemporary album of the year:Victorious, SkilletProducers: John Cooper, Korey Cooper, Kevin Churko, Seth Mosley, Mike “X” O’Connor

Rock/contemporary recorded song of the year:“Legendary,” SkilletWriters: John L. Cooper, Korey Cooper, Seth Mosley

Southern gospel album of the year: (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Pure Love, Legacy FiveProducers: Scott Fowler, Wayne Haun, Trey Ivey

Southern gospel recorded song of the year:“The Power of an Empty Tomb,” The ErwinsWriter: Joel Lindsey

Spanish language album of the year:Aleluya (En La Tierra), Elevation WorshipProducers: Chris Brown, Steven Furtick

Spanish language recorded song of the year:“Loco Amor,” Christine D’ClarioWriters: Chris McClarney, Jacob Sooter, Ricky Jackson

Traditional gospel album of the year:The Return, The Clark SistersProducers: J. Drew Sheard II, Warryn Campbell, Eric Dawkins, Mano Hanes, Rodney Jerkins, Justin Brooks, Jermaine Dupri, Damien Sneed, Kurt Carr, Karen Clark-Sheard

Traditional gospel recorded song of the year:“I’m All In,” Maranda CurtisWriters: Maranda Curtis, Dana Sorey, Asaph Ward

Worship album of the year:Awake, Hillsong WorshipProducers: Michael Guy Chislett, Brooke Ligertwood, Ben Tan, Ben Tennikoff

Worship recorded song of the year:“The Blessing (Live),” Kari Jobe, Cody Carnes, Elevation WorshipWriters: Kari Jobe Carnes, Cody Carnes, Chris Brown, Steven Furtick

Youth/children’s musical of the year:Good News Ahead…The Signs of Christmas!Creators: Gina Boe, Barb Dorn.

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