#LIKE UGH my impulse control can only do so much

[friendofthecrows]

Wish I had more of that stereotypical "refined genius psychopath mystery villain" vibes and less "dysfunctional no sleep cycle can't tell when/if they have emotions traumatized mess doesn't feel like a human paranoid future true crime psychopath" vibes. So that was word salad. Moving on.

[purinminmin]

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆ TWIRLING WARMTH -> sae itoshi !!!

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ dancing with my phone by HYBS

synopsis; in which sae decides to unwind by using a tip you gave him cw: fluffy/crack fic , ldr , sae misses you , dancing , very ooc oh my god let me believe sae is secretly a massive lovefool , sae has a facetime auto answer feature (does that exist) , use of amor , gn! , unproofread + lowercase

"dancing, i'm all alone . figuring out how i can get you home"

living in his apartment without you was easy.

or so he thought.

he was currently sprawled across his bed, his arm stretched out automatically to make space for your warmth; which was unfortunately located a thousand miles away from madrid at this moment.

sae groaned, snatching his hand back immediately when he snapped out of his trance. how pathetic, he thought. he can't be caught wishing for cuddles like some lovesick fool, he should exercise more self-control than that!

naturally, he reached out for his phone to text you, like a normal person who doesn't yearn for his long-distance girlfriend would do:

[i miss you, amor.] 7:08 pm

[coming home soon, can't wait to see you.] 7:30 pm

yes, he really had impulsively booked a flight just to see you. yes, he was still definitely nonchalant. god, what have you turned him into?

it's only been an hour, but you still hadn't replied. he had to fight another dejected groan that threatened to erupt from his throat. but whatever. it was late in your place anyway, you were probably sleeping.

however, the fact that you would soon wake up to find his little suprise, calling him almost immediately, sent a little comfort to his sore bones. he really wanted to hear your voice.

ugh, seriously. what was in the air today?

frustrated, he exited the chat box and scrolled through his playlists. he reached a certain one that you and he made the last time he was with you.

he decided to listen to the music in there instead, that always relaxed him.

─── ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ───

"sae, when are you coming home?"

your pretty voice came out warped from the speaker. he scoffed silently, the phone could never catch your beauty properly.

"sae."

"huh, what?" "i said, when are you coming home?"

"never. don't want to." "not even for me?" "especially not for you."

"ouch, sae."

he chuckled softly under his breath, the sun filtering through his room and in turn illuminating his eyes. you had ample time to observe his face which, thankfully, wasn't pixelated.

"you okay?"

"of course. why wouldn't i be?" you rolled your eyes. well, duh, he'd deny everything. your boyfriend was capable of many things. admitting he needed to cool off was not one of them apparently.

you hummed for a moment, thinking off into space as you watched sae rummage around for a blanket. then it clicked.

a sneaky grin spread across your face, oh yeah, he'll like this idea.

you set down your phone on the table, adjusting the camera so it showed your full body. then you grabbed your laptop and started playing music. was that.....pitbull???? mr worldwide???

sae watched you with disbelief. this was rare. he was never caught speechless. he blinked slowly as his eyebrows creased ever so slightly.

"what are you doing?"

"im dancing, sae. you should join me, it'll help you relax, you know?"

he saw you swaying side to side, twirling, bobbing around your head to the beat of the song, all with the biggest and goofiest smirk on your face. he scoffed, shaking his head at your antics. there was no way he was going to dance. ever.

"you look stupid. i'm ending the call right now."

"wait, no!"

─── ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ───

a smile tugged on the corner of his mouth as he recalled that memory. he wasn't much of a sentimental person, but he can make exceptions sometimes.

he just....stared at the phone for a few moments, gaping at the turning disc on the screen as he hummed absent-mindedly.

fine. he'll try dancing once. he'll see if it lived up to the hype.

he disconnected his headphones and raised the volume to max as he stood up from his bed. he scrolled through the playlist again, settling on his favorite. he felt awkward, so he tried to tap his foot to the beat.

hey, this was actually really fun.

soon, small taps of his foot moved to infect his shoulders. pretty much once the song ended, he was full on dancing. just as you had shown him to do. even that stupid twirl-hand wave (?) thing you did. he couldn't even explain it, but it was entertaining to do. he'll never tell you that you were right.

but unfortunately for him, you saw him already. he had left his laptop open, whose camera was perfectly facing straight ahead on his being.

you never wanted this to stop. you were having a blast. finally seeing your boyfriend have fun in what......months now? what a blessing. and so you remained silent, captivated by the incredibly awkward but endearing dance moves. stifling your laughs took so much of your restraint though.

sae should really turn off the auto-answer feature.

"dancing with my phone, thinking about you"

a/n: this came to me in a dream and is dedicated to my dearest sae luvr ILY ELO also the song he was dancing to was suisei - tofubeats (kariya seira) which according to the wiki is his fave IT IS SUCH A BOP BTW I LUV IT can uu tell i got lazy at the end hekp

[bluedandylyon]

Rewatch Rambles (tm) Season 1

Sword Pt. 2

I'm making every ep into a separate post and just making season-specific tags bc otherwise the og post would turn into "do u like the color of the sky" and nobody wants that.

I love the series-long payoff of finally talking to this hologram properly on failsafe. Is this room the crystal castle main chambers? I feel like I don't remember seeing the giant she-ra mural but I might be wrong and it's the same room Adora always goes to when training.

Ughhhhhhh mannnnnnnn it’s just watching Adora at her first party is so sad bc she gets to be an actual kid for the first time ever. Catra should’ve gone with herrrrr waaaa I know we wouldn’t have a show but waaaaaa

LIKE DUDE THE SECOND CATRA SEES ADORA AGAIN SHE POUNCES ON HER AND STRADDLES HER AND PURRS ARE U KIDDING ME SHE LOVES ADORA SO MUCH 

SC = 3

RAHHH the mocking “what are you wearing?” And Adora throwing the flower she was wearing to the floor bc it’s a symbol of softness and vulnerability and they can’t that with each other yet. 

Oh I’m going to bite my arm off actually. The LOOK on Catra’s face when Adora says “they’ve been lying to us, manipulating us” she looks so freaking HURT. She’s like “YEAH DUDE IVE BEEN PHYSICALLY ABUSED IN FRONT OF YOU MULTIPLE TIMES LIKE WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”

idk I used to really not understand why Catra didn’t go with Adora here but now that I have a deeper understanding of the show I totally get it. Dude this is the moment Catra really internalizes that Adora thinks that some of her mistreatment was warranted. Like the fact that Adora leaves bc the horde is hurting civilians but not Catra must have destroyed her. And like I GET IT. BC ADORA HAS BEEN MANIPULATED HER WHOLE LIFE BUT LIKE AAAA SHE’S ACTUALLY SO UNEMPATHETIC IN THIS MOMENT TOWARDS CATRA. And it’s cuz Catra doesn’t give a shit about the civilians so Adora feels hurt by that too bc “how can Catra not care about this?” and she’s in shock and her entire life is falling apart in front of her and like I get it but NGHHH this whole interaction once u understand the characters is UGH.

This post is an incredible breakdown of their miscommunication here, they are both understanding very different things from what the other person is saying. 

“Why are you doing this?” 

RAAAA RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. 

I want to talk a second about how BPD coded Catra is, specifically in this moment (although there are many great examples later). 

With BPD, there is no sense of identity, that is like, one of the main symptoms of the personality disorder, so it makes sense that for Catra, I’m leaving the Horde = I am leaving YOU. Catra reacts so intensely bc she’s conflagrating both the horde and her. And from her POV it also makes sense bc it was Catra that went to find Adora, not the other way around. We know from promise, this is something that Catra feels resentful about too. 

I also find Catra’s reaction really interesting because it’s one of the only times Catra physically hurts Adora as Adora and not She-Ra. There is no distinction to cognitively hide behind here. She immediately jumps to hurting Adora when she feels that perceived abandonment and then immediately feels guilty, but will do it again to not be abandoned by her once more. And it’s also coupled with the fact that there is the fear of abuse from Shadow Weaver if she doesn’t bring Adora home too. It just shows how poor her impulse control is when it comes to her splitting and idealization/devaluing symptoms. 

Love this pose, love the hiss. I just appreciate when voice actors who are portraying anthropomorphic characters SOUND like the species they're portraying. S1 Catra means everything to me bc she has the most cat-like behaviors in the show. As she grows, she tries to hide those behaviors and try to act more human-like, esp when S4 rolls around.

Glimmer saying “We need you, we need she-ra” ope I’m sure that phrase won’t add to Adora’s hero complex !!!!!!!!!!!! 

God and the way Adora can’t talk to anybody about missing Catra bc everyone in the rebellion (rightfully) hates her. She just has to pretend that she doesn’t care at all about losing her best friend and home. Rewatching the show makes me realize just how fast Adora erases herself and becomes She-Ra basically full time to the point that ppl don't call her Adora, they call her She-Ra. And it's cause she has no idea how to deal with emotions, so she just shoves all of that grief aside and buries it in all of her new duties and responsibilities.

[shazzbaa]

hi!! I really like your art and your oc :D (well, i only know one of your ocs fhdgfhs) anyways, just wanted to ask something about Samuel because im just. very curious. why is he even making those (most often) horrible choices in terms of like, in-character explanation?? hope that this doesnt sound rude or anything, im actually asking because my own FL character (who is based on me. which ALSO makes them a bit too similar to Poor Edward both in personality AND ALSO IN THE WAY THEIR FACE LOOK?? but i digress) also tends to make those Horrible Choices but their reason is "too much curiosity, too much impulsivity and too much sensory-seeking". anyways ive just noticed that your and my characters keep making the same choices most of the time (which is really funny to me fhdgsfd) so i wanted to know what are. Sam's reasons for this

alsdjfaeslfj omg thank you, THIS IS VERY BROAD it honestly depends on the choice!! Some of it is impulsivity, some of it is that he's more comfortable confronting things physically than he is thinking things through -- so, like, he will often not cautiously analyse something before touching it/sticking it in his mouth/etc because he's not good at cautious analysis and he feels he's more likely to get information by interacting with it. And the consequences are, like, bad, and he'll think to himself "ugh what an idiot why did i do that," but deep down I think he really feels it's better to be in pain and understand than to do nothing.

Some of his poor choices are similarly intentional in that he would rather be the one doing the unwise thing -- he made the pact with the Boil of Calamaties so that Peter didn't have to. Some of his poor choices are out of fear -- he's been frightened of dream shenanigans ever since he got threatened by October, and he recently got a choice in a dream that made him AWARE he was in a dream someone else was controlling and he just freaked out and did whatever seemed like it would get him out the fastest, without much careful consideration because he was panicking. He also wants to be Part Of Something and that desire can be manipulated -- agreeing to go to war for the Bishop of Southwark and participating in the Black Ribbon were both due to someone he had feelings respect for presenting it to him as a grand and greater cause, even if he later had second thoughts. Things that speak to his own beliefs (or challenge those beliefs) are things he's more likely to NEED to poke his nose into, to figure out what he's supposed to believe down here.

And, of course, despite his (at this point somewhat debatable) status as a deacon, Samuel is very, very bad at chastity. He is extremely easy to seduce, though I usually headcanon the Scandalous Encounters he has as someone coming on to him first. Sam also has a bit of Struggling To Correctly Read Subtle Cues which leads to him accidentally tripping into affairs and then being too awkward and into it to back out (this is what happened with the Provost).

And then, this is Fallen London. Sometimes there aren't GOOD options. Sometimes you just don't have knowledge. Sam's first disastrous zee voyage went awry when he fed his crew a zee monster that made them all ravenously hungry and ended with him getting eaten by his crew. But without knowing that's how it's going to go, the idea of "oh man, this is where rubbery lumps come from, right? We could make some ourselves!" is not any more unreasonable than the decision to go to zee in the first place. He just didn't know.

[crguang]

what would just turned vampire kafka be like? really wanna know your thoughts on how kafka would handle that endless hunger new vampires have to face. imagine being her s/o but also bloodbag. i think there's an intimiacy to not only nourishing kafka but also being sort of an anchor against the gnawing hunger. can't really explain it well but i loveee the codepedency between bloodbag human and vampire.

oh my god. okay wait lets think— fledgling kafka would be soooo fun to play with because she’s someone who’s very controlled and patient in general and in this case she’d be the complete opposite. i don’t think you could be around her at first like… as much as her rational mind would tell her she doesn’t want you to die, i believe kaf has no problem indulging her needs and would feed to kill. before she learns how to control her impulses and the call of blood, she would be so hungry all the time and would not care about the bodies she leaves behind if it means satiating this impossible, burning hunger that seems to be tearing her from the inside. at the same time, i do think she would at least try to regain control over herself since it’s important to her but she would kinda fail. if you’re human and you let fledgling!kaf drink from you, you are deadddd 😭 it’s over. like im a firm believer in “baby vamps have to relearn self control as they’re essentially born anew” and so whether she wants to or not she would drain you. as a baby vamp she would be kinda insufferable because she’d never stay still and would want to test everything about her new abilities which means she’s always doing something (dangerous). the hunger takes up a lot of place and controlling that takes even more energy. it’s some time before she’s back to regular old kafka but i think she’d be on some sort of high for a while after getting turned and would end up killing a bunch of people hfjdhfhfn she needs someone to clean up after her too because she’ll toss the bodies anywhere she doesnt gaf. once she’s mastered self control it’s different but as a baby vamp? she’s mainly just following her impulses

i agree about the relationship between blood bag and vampire, it’s so good. there’s something precious about being the source of their energy and life by giving up some of yours. i think vamps in general can be pretty possessive but kaf would really be. she doesn’t want you bleeding for anyone or anything else so no drop is wasted and she has a general feeding schedule but will still often end up drinking from you on a whim if she knows you can take it. she’ll drink in the evenings so that if youre feeling a little weak after you can just rest, not too picky about where but she does enjoy putting on a show while drinking from your wrist or somewhere around there bc she can see all of your reactions and they spur her on. she’s a classy eater! the most she’ll have is some blood trickling down her chin but she wouldnt make a mess. she drinks from you during sex too hahaha… she really has to restrain herself then because since she prefers toying with her prey to get that blood rushing, during sex your blood would be like ambrosia omfg. but i do think the only time you’d be genuinely terrified of her possibly killing you would be when she’s a baby vamp, after that she’s pretty chill. expect a lot of bite marks on your body she loves feeling things through her mouth more than anything else so even when she’s not feeding from you she’s still biting you and stuff. ugh i need vamp!kafka so bad

[quimichi]

TW: obsessive behavior, talk about self harm, death, gore, blood, corpses, choking, talk about you being dead, bleeding, bro there's so much - MDNI

SUMMARY: A twisted boy with a twisted mind and a twisted love just for you ♡

CHARACTERS: Yandere x F!Reader

WORD COUNT: 841

𓉸ྀི  Never EVER was Blake expecting to fall in love. At first sight too. He saw you and was instantly captured. My condolences, because with him in your life...it'll be turned upside down

𓉸ྀི You're his newest, recent hyperfixation, or better, obsession. Recent? Well, since he ever saw and read this short story in the internet, about death, killing, blood and guts, he was forever obsessed with it. Especially the graphic pictures that we're added for the "realism'. You see, one click on a link and a wrong turn can lead you down a dark alley filled with the darkest mysteries hold by internet. Hidden from those who would never dare step that far into an alley like this. Bit inviting and interesting to those curious enough to take a look...and forever be captivated.

𓉸ྀི with 12 year's old, exactly that happened. This weird 'dare' and a link went around school and of course 12 year olds are gonna jump on it like hungry wolves. His friend send him the link, he was dared to open it and take a look, but was to scared. So he send Blake the link also, so they can both take a look. Shared fear is only half the fear, right?

𓉸ྀི While his friend was throwinh up beside his bed, he kept scrolling. And scrolling...and scrolling. Weird...this doesn't affect him, at least not like his friend. Or how he thought it would. Everyone kept saying its gross, creepy and...twisted. Its odd that he, likes it.

𓉸ྀི His friend claimed he suddenly felt sick, so his mother picked him up. None of them wanted to raise suspicion of course...But the whole night long, Blake kept looking at the pictures over and over again, he read the story multiple times. He probably still knows it all word for word till this day. But what really captured his interest was that woman, how she looked in her own blood bath. Her guts hanging out, everywhere but inside her. Is this real? No it can't be right? No one would ever...

𓉸ྀི when he saw you, he saw that woman. You both look so similar. Maybe the eye color is a bit off, yours are a tiny bit darker but thats ok, you look just like her! Damn, even the hair!...he can't help but wonder if you would...no that's an unhealthy thought

𓉸ྀི he's 18 now, and for 5 years he was in the dark web looking for stories, pictures and videos like this to feed his constant hunger and need for more blood and gore. But he still knows, murder is wrong. But knowing is something else than doing. They both can go hand in hand, the only thing that's holding them both away from each other is the wall called self control.

𓉸ྀི He does have this wall, it just has multiple holes in it. Blake was no stranger to act on his impulsive thoughts. He cuts his arms sometimes when he wants to feel the pain or see the blood. He even tried the 'save way of cutting your wrist', the thrill of almost dying did send him over the edge....The research did help of course. He even tried choking himself, but that does not really do much for him unfortunately, there's nothing hot to it besides the bruises he left on his neck.

𓉸ྀི But right now the wall he trained to stand against the army of his running thoughts is about to crumble by just looking at you. You'd look so great in red, a deep dark red surrounding you...oozing out of y-no-! This is wrong-! He knows you're so so much more than a body, than a corpse. You have personality...damn you really look like you have a great personality.

𓉸ྀི...w-wait-you looked his way-! WHY ARE YOU SMILING AT HIM-! Was he looking at you this entire time?? Ugh, hes such a creep-! Yes, he knows he's one but he doesn't have to act like one to make it obvious- He's so weird, he doesn't deserve you, he would NEVER deserve you. The only thing that deserves him would be the maggots and the mould, eating his decomposed cadaver.

𓉸ྀི If it's not him, than it's definitely your smile that killed him right there and now, on spot. He's disgusting why are you looking like him. Why do you show interest. Why is he smiling back. And why does he really feel the need to hold you in his arms, and kiss you. A kiss that would probably be the beginning of cannibalism. Drag his mouth and theeth across your chest to taste your beating heart...if he thinks like this then living can be beautiful, and so are living things. I mean...you are most definitely beautiful. And you're alive.

𓉸ྀི But you'd be just as pretty dead, rotting and overcome with mould, having flys around you while your body drys out and sinks....but yeah you're maybe even a tiny bit more beautiful alive. (Much more but he can't say it just yet)

TAGLIST: @lucienbarkbark @hehothrowawayfae

[hamiltonaf]

Summer Break(Up) | Mason Mount

Pairing: Mason Mount x Female Reader

Word Count: 2.2K

Warnings: Angst to fluff

A/N: Had this in my drafts for quite a while, about time that I posted it. Hope you babes enjoy. Requests are open .xx

Today felt like the first time in a long time that I got ready to go out, that too on a date. Never thought I would be doing this but deep down I know it's exactly what I need to do to get my mind off things and finally move on. It hurts to move on when you still love someone, but you know what they say... love hurts.

Its been almost a month now since Mason and I broke up right after the summer break. We had a pretty dreamy and amazing summer break - or so I thought - I guess only one of us felt that way.

We had just arrived back in England and Mason was acting off the entire day. I knew something was playing on his mind that was bothering him and had him agitated... the last thing I expected was a break up being a good idea.

He distinctly did it just before I was flying back home, the perfect excuse to not see the pain on my face when he breaks the news to me.

Its as if his words had haunted me, they continue to play on my mind till this day.

FLASHBACK

"(Y/N) I hate to break it to you...ugh but I'm just going to be straight forward about it" he paused in between words watching my reaction. "Well ?" I asked raising a brow. "We need to break up" he said as he finally met my eyes. "Is this a joke ?" I asked raising my brows. "No it's not (Y/N)" he sighed. "And what's the reason that you want to break up ?" I asked calmly. "I just.. I want to just focus on football" he said as he lowered his head to play with his fingers.

"Ohh the typical excuse" I half laughed. "What do you mean excuse ? I'm being serious" he said as he started to grow annoyed. "All of you guys are the same. It's always 'I'm focusing on my career' and then boom you rock up with a new girlfriend after a while. If you have someone else in the picture then just say it !" I said growing frustrated, I let my impulsive thoughts take over. "What the- no ! If you're saying I'm cheating on you, I would never !" He said defensively.

"So then what's the need to break up ? Am I too distracting for you ? I can easily be out of your way whilst still being your girlfriend so I don't see the issue ?" I said whilst raising my voice. He kept quiet after my valid point. "I get it now. The silence speaks for itself. No point in me fighting for a relationship that doesn't exist anymore" I said as I walked over to grab my bags. "(Y/N) I'm sorry" he said lowly. "Don't be. Best of luck this season" I said lastly and walked out with my bags earlier than planned. It was only then when I was alone that the tears spilled and I couldn't control them. With my vision blurred I don't even know how I managed to arrange transport to the airport - I guess at that point I just wanted to get away from there and from Mason.

END OF FLASHBACK

I would be lying if I said that I didn't check on Mason’s instagram. I mean nothing is wrong in that since we both still follow each other and we didn't make the break up public. I mean we still had each others pictures up but it wasn't good enough to camouflage people into thinking we were still together. The fans are 10 steps ahead of us and pretty much cracked that we did breakup and when the breakup happened.

I guess it's my fault that I didn't post to show my support for Mason whilst I was away. Joke. Oh well who cares... we couldn't hide it forever and these things happen.

It's all because of (Y/BF/N) I'm rushing to get ready, she just had to open her mouth and set me up with her boyfriend's friend. All I know is that his name is Ethan.

Whilst I was doing my hair I thought why not go live on instagram and do a get ready with me since I didn't do one in ages and besides that, I was feeling bold. As soon as I went live, my views went from 10 to over 5000 within a few minutes. "Hi there for all those joining ! I'm currently getting ready to go out so I thought why not chat with you guys in the mean time" I said as I skimmed through the comments. "Where are you going ?" I read out the comment. "Well, I'm going on a date" I smiled. "Why weren't you at the last match ? We missed you !" I read out the next comment.

"Aww sorry about that..I've just been so busy with studying that I had to sacrifice a match to finish up my work" I pouted. After those questions, I did my makeup and explained each product that I used. With a final spritz of setting spray and perfume, I shook my fingers through my hair and revealed my full look for the evening.

"That's it guys ! Hope you guys found this entertaining. Thank you to every one of you for sending in questions and sorry if I didn't get through to everyone. I swear I'll try to do more of these in future" I said as I skimmed through the comments one last time. Many of them said 'Mase in chat'. "I'm seeing a lot of Mase in chat comments. Did I miss something ?" I raised a brow. My body froze when I saw his comment '😍😍😍'.

"Ohhh Mason is here !" I wanted to roll my eyes on camera but I couldn't. "Anywho guys I'm running late. Love you guys and hope you all have an amazing evening. Wish me luck. Ciao !" I said lastly before throwing a kiss at the camera. The live ended and I rushed to grab my purse. I was in a rush only because I was driving tonight, Ethan had offered, but just in case things didn't go well then I can easily make an excuse to leave early if needed. As I jumped in the car my phone started ringing through the Bluetooth, thinking it's Ethan I answered the call. "Hey ! I'm so sorry I'm running late..I'm on my way right now" I said as I drove out of my driveway. "(Y/N)" haven't heard that in a while, he paused before saying "It's Mason."

I looked at my phone and mumbled "shit". "Guess I'm not the person you want to talk to right now" he chuckled. "What do you want Mase ?" I rolled my eyes. "I uhm saw your live and I'm around so I was hoping I'd see you to catch up" he suggested. "Of course you thought that...Mason we've been broken up for almost a whole month, you didn't care to talk to me since that day and suddenly because you saw me get ready for a date you thought that now is a good time to come back into my life ?" I asked.

There was a pause before he spoke up again. "Don't go on that date" he softly said. "Why?" I asked, waiting for his valid reason. "You know why" he said. "No, Mason, I don't. Say it" I was getting frustrated that I actually pulled over to the side to have this conversation. "I can't get you out of my mind !" He admitted. I stayed silent for him to go on. "As much as I tried to focus on football, the days that I was off all I could think about is spending my free time with you. I missed your laugh, your smile, your cuddles and your kisses, especially after a bad day. I miss everything about you" he said defeated. "Mount, why are you telling me all of this now ? It took you a whole month to realise that or are you just jealous that I moved on and you didn't ?" I questioned.

He sighed, "I just felt terrible since the last time we were together. I wanted to give you space and I assumed you hated me so much that we'd never get back together after that." "Hmm...okay" I said casually. "Soo are you coming back home because I'm waiting outside ?" He asked hopeful. "Wait what ?" I asked flabbergasted. He wasn't joking. "I'm literally outside your house, no joke" he said. "What the- Mason. I- I'm literally speechless" I had a million thoughts running through my head. What do I do ?

"Come home so we can talk please" he said. Why do I feel the need to go back home ? "Your timing is literally the worst. I need to call Ethan and see if he's -" I was cut off. "Who the fuck is Ethan ?" He asked as he got protective. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "My date" I said plainly. "Do I know him ?" He asked. "None of your business. Anyways I'll call you back. Bye" I ended the call just as he called my name. I noticed that Ethan sent a message a few minutes ago saying that he was going to be running late. I felt terrible to do this but I have unfinished business with Mason. I messaged Ethan to apologise that I won't make it tonight as I had a family emergency and if we could rather rain check. I made a u-turn back home and luckily Ethan was understanding, and replied saying that he hopes everything is okay and hopefully we'll meet soon. Aww bless him.

Just as I got home I noticed Mason’s car parked on the driveway. I parked beside him and jumped out as he followed. He whistled as he looked at me from head to toe. "Darling, you look breathtaking" he said as he walked closer to me. He greeted me by kissing both of my cheeks. "Thank you" I softly said as he then surprised me by handing over a massive bouquet of red roses. My facial expression changed, "What's all of this for ?" "Just to makeup for the lost time in this past month" he said. "Aww" I cooed.

I then unlocked the door and went inside with Mason following behind me. "Soo what happened to that guy ?" He asked. "He was running late so I said we can rain check for another day" I shrugged. "You're still going to go on a date with him ?" He asked, low-key feeling betrayed. "Mason can you just forget about Ethan and focus on the reason why we're here after a whole month" I said as we both took a seat beside each other on the couch. He sighed before speaking up, "You asked me earlier why now and I ignored your question. Whilst we were broken up I would see your posts and stories, especially when (Y/BF/N) would post with you. You always looked so happy and looked like you're living your best life without me. I thought to myself that you seemed happier without me" he said as he laid his head onto the couch and turned to look at me.

"You really thought I looked happier without you ?" I raised a brow curiously. "Yeah ! So many little things reminded me of you - like someone cracking a joke or laughing, I'd think that's something you would say" he smiled. I smiled back, 

"It hurts..." he said seriously. "What?" I asked as I furrowed my brows. "Loving someone who doesn't love you..." he said softly. I half laughed. "What's so funny ?" He asked worried. "That's exactly what I thought the day I left. I thought our relationship was one sided the whole time" I pursed my lips. "What ! No no no. I never stop loving you okay ? Please don't forget that. I was hoping to at least be friends that time I broke the news but things turned south" he pressed his lips together.

"Bold of you to assume that 2 people who are in love with each other can be friends" I said as I laid back as well and turned to face him. "Wait so you still love me ?" He asked in shock as he sat up right. "Unfortunately yes" I sighed. He had a cheeky grin on his face. "I'm sorry for being selfish and stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm also so sorry for all the pain I caused you, you didn't deserve any of that. Please find it in your heart to forgive me and be my girlfriend again" he smiled. "Hmm let me think...okay" I shrugged. "So am I forgiven ?" He asked excited. "Yes, yes you are" I smiled. He brushed a strand away from my face and cupped my cheeks. His eyes looked between mine and my lips. "Can I ?" He asked softly. I nodded my head as he connected his lips with mine.

[sugar-omi]

TRANS MASC COVE TRANS MASC COVE (sfw +nsfw hcs pls,, id love your thoughts)

NO BC NOW YOU'VE PUT THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD N I NEED HIM DESPERATELY eta while im in the middle of writing: after this i... i can no longer hold onto my fem!cove thoughts. n i am eating up trans!cove like a starving ANIMAL.

tags : SFW + NSFW, transmasc (ftm) cove, switch cove/reader, some mentions of body/gender dysmorphia, im sure theres 1 transphobe walking around sunset bird so the smallest mention of that clown

SFW

i've been seeing a lotta top surgery scar tattoos on my twt timeline lately, and pls some of them i need for myself bc they're so!!!! pretty!!!!

so i can definitely see him getting tattoos there

not because he wants to cover em up, i just think he sees so many flash sheets over time that he's SOLD

mmm i wanna say that fem/afab!cove would have small boobs

or B cups at most

either way, i almost wanna say that his boobs before surgery wouldn't bother him as much unless someone was sexualizing him or he was exercising n his boobs were bouncing too much or smth like that

even then its usually complaints of, "ugh, this bra isn't supportive..." or something like that

ofc he still has his moments

i also think he only binds sometimes, rarely

doesn't do it often since it's often hot outside, or especially if he's sporty, its uncomfortable

(also looked it up just to be sure) but since he's always on the beach its inconvenient/unnecessary to wear if he can't wear it in the water

but like i said i think he'd be pretty flat/small anyway, so i think he's okay

mm definitely doesn't give up having long hair, or wearing the occasional dress/skirt ofc

but will correct one of the old sunset bird residents if they try and say "see honey, it was a phase, you're wearing a dress today!"

also idk abt yall, n this is more of a general thought, but i feel like step 2 cove's impulse control is. deathly low.

so one day, he has long/long-ish hair

and the next he has a mullet, wolf cut, or buzz cut.

he's so chaotic to me pls

now i've had fem!cove on my mind for weekssss now

so i'm not just saying this

but cove is still buff

thick muscly thighs, NICE ARMS. REALLY NICE ARMS

mm so i feel like he looks pretty androgynous or masc anyway

now im projecting here.

but cove has irregular periods, n they're pretty heavy most the time

or lasts awhile (ok im done projecting. sorry cove</3)

also think he deals with cramps (IM SORRY COVE)

i think his period is the biggest trigger of his body/gender dysmorphia too

although i think fem!cove would hate her period anyway altho tbf who doesnt

he'd definitely appreciate some comfort!!!

bring him another heating pad, your comfiest hoodie or blanket and snacks

he's very happy for the thoughtfulness and the company

step 2 cove would definitely be moved by such thoughtfulness... he's in tears

so after the first time it's a trend to spend time together in his bed, watching movies or something while he's cuddled into your side or next to you in a cove-rrito, all sleepy n comfy...

NSFW

had to stop writing the SFW to write this bc i had a thought

cove laid out all pretty... his chest rising and falling and he's all teary eyed as you're between his legs, eating his cunt until he's seeing stars.

pls his cunt with be so sensitive, and he'd be so pretty to fuck

would shake so much too

his thighs quivering so bad he clamps around your hand

you'd have to hold his legs up so he doesn't nearly flatten your head between his thick thighs

"y/n!" cove cries, his hands tangled in your hair and he's trying so hard not to squish your head between his thighs, but your tongue is flat against his sensitive clit, sucking and bullying the poor button while your fingers make a loud, sloppy mess of his hole.

he whines, hips shaking in your hands.

you tighten your grip on his waist, your fingers digging into the flesh, grumbling irritably around his clit but cove just cries out a loud moan and slurred word, torn between your name, a cuss word, and a cry for god.

you pull of his clit, your fingers still curling against that spongy spot inside his sloppy walls. "stay still, you're gonna crush my head..." you start to kiss his thighs, small kisses turning into you sucking deep hickeys into his tan skin, and that turning into biting.

cove gasps for air, his eyes fluttering closed as he squirms.

"fuck, y/n, please..." he mumbles, tugging at the bedsheets.

you stop the assault on his thighs, leaning up on your elbows so you can give cove a kiss, your lips lazily moving together...

anyway... horny aside for a moment<333

mm i could see cove not getting or really wanting bottom surgery

i think trans cove would be pretty comfortable with his body's appearance overall

and he's probably read into it a lot since it's not like he hasn't thought about it, i could just see him probably deciding its not something he wants

ARGGHH HE'D BE A DEMON WITH THE STRAP THOUGH

ahh. cove holding you down or folding your legs against your chest while he slams his hips against yours...

his strap hitting your poor prostate / cervix, he'd coo about how cute your whines are and that you're making him leak

would definitely upset he can't fill you up w cum

especially if you wanna get pregnant, rambles about how much he wishes he could fill you up with his cum again and again and again...

arghhh fuck imma lose my MIND

definitely takes advantage of those squirting dildos

can at least admire how you look oozing milky lube

omfg definitely wakes up all excited to tell you if he dreamed about it too...

has an array of straps

we already know he has a tentacle dildo or two deep in his closet...

yeah tries them out on you

"don't get tired yet, i have one more.. and it has a knot!!!"

he just likes to experiment on you a little~~ bit <333

ohh please tell him he looks handsome/sexy while you're giving him head

he'll die.

FUCK HE'D GO CRAZY IF YOU RIDE HIM TOO I KNOW IT

yeah he's still the same cute, secretly horny, big crybaby pookie <3333 i love him pls

[ofallthingsnasty]

Urrrgg im such a wuss about physical pain but something about punctured wounds specifically makes me scared more than cuts or bruises. I think it’s something about the “intrusion” that a sharp object does when it stabs you that it doesn’t do when merely cutting you

Suffice to say Crocodile even threatening to give me a “piercing” will scare me into submission. Suddenly I’m throwing out my escape plans because I do not want to be hurt like that 😓 Sir you can spank me however you want but PLS don’t put that hook anywhere near my face

oh goodness anon, you're way too cute 😭💕 he would never ever hurt you because i say so.... but this also made me think...

tw. yandere, violence, a little over-the-top gore (facial), references this post

Now that you mention it - there are two ways he could harm you with his hook in that specific scenario, one more planned and one more impulsive. (To pierce your tongue, he’d need a forceps or at the very least a very steady hand or else he’s going not only cut into your tongue but the floor of your mouth as well - which could lead to severe bleeding and neurological damage, oh my. Your cheeks are a different story - he might still injure a tiny branch of the facial nerve but you’re not going to lose some motor functions.) 

But to be honest - if he does this to you, it’s going to be entirely impulsive because he’d have to be exceptionally mad. Angry beyond belief or reason, so precision and thought aren’t going to be present. (Even if I really want him to get my tongue, ugh 😔) He isn’t even going to threaten it, he’ll just launch forward like a man possessed and puncture your cheek, force his hook through the fat of your face until he hits your teeth, just lashing out, just senselessly hurting you to shut you and your horrid mouth up.  And god help you if you react on instinct and pull away, because that is going to net you an open cheek and a nasty scar.

Will he feel guilty just moments later, as rare as that emotion is for him? Yes. Will it stop your incessant  babbling and shock you into submission? Also yes. Like you said, I can only see this happening once, maybe twice? You’d have to do something so outrageous and disrespectful and keep at it to get this rather calm man to that point - but it’s achievable and a serious escape attempt could do it.  But you being feisty plays a big part in this - because if you aren’t (if you grovel and cry and beg for forgiveness, kiss his feet to soothe that anger, worship him like you’re supposed to), he won’t end up that mad. You’re still going to regret it, no doubt, but he has this pesky little soft spot for you that, if pressed, can mellow him out rather quickly. It really depends on you and your actions.

But if it happens? If the meat of your right cheek suddenly loses tension and flaps around because his hook is too big to control and you instinctively pulled back, away from the pain, the hurt? All that anger is going to evaporate in an instant. He just needs to see your stunned face, pain barely registering because of the adrenaline that is running through you, just needs to see all that exposed fat and muscle to immediately regret it. It’s a grotesque sight; yellow, pink, stark red mixing as your teeth gnash in horror and your thoughts are going a mile a minute trying to register what just happened. Of course, he wastes no time and takes you in for the best care he can find in that moment, intent on keeping both the functional and aesthetic damage to a minimum - but his hook is big and brutish and the wound leaves you with a gnarly scar, no matter how skilled the hands of your surgeon are.

When it’s all said and done, he’ll still feel that little pang of guilt from time to time when he traces the scar with his thumb - but it’s more that feeling of regret a little boy gets when he scratches up a brand new toy, that disappointment that it isn’t shiny and new anymore and not genuine remorse because he inflicted so much pain on you. He can’t feel bad about it for too long when he remembers that you see what disobedience gets you every time you look into the mirror. It might have marred your looks - but it has made you so wonderfully pliant as well, has earned him your respect. 

[princelylove]

Thank you your highness for answering all my questions on ranking yandere Joestar and Jobros. This time, can I ask for the Jofoe too? I can't rank them myself because all of them are so dangerous, I seriously see all of them have equal rank.

I'd love to hear your opinion on this, please enlighten me with your knowledge my prince ~

~ 🏵️ anon ~

I just realized I forgot funny valentine. That's on me. Oops. I don't know, have you considered just... not being american? Super easy to avoid him just get on a boat and don't come back. Kidding, I'll write something serious for him later on. They're all bad, but a general easiest to hardest:

Doppio is a hard worker. He devotes a good chunk of his time to carrying out orders for the boss, he doesn’t really have time for a darling, but… Boss will allow him to have a crush. It’s a little treat. As long as Doppio keeps his distance, it’s harmless. He spends his weekends following his darling around- he asks Diavolo to look into you for a little reward. He does well on a couple of jobs in a row? Here’s your favorite color, and what you wear for pajamas most nights. Doppio has a lot of self control, he’s not going to cave just because you’re gorgeous and he has some free time. He’ll keep his distance until Diavolo gives him permission to engage- which he won’t be receiving any time soon. Doppio’s darling- I feel as if  “crush” is significantly more appropriate- likely won’t know that they have a secret admirer who already knows every little detail about their life until it’s time for Doppio to receive a proper present. Maybe for Christmas Diavolo will let him bump into you in the street. 

Yoshikage Kira is safe if he’s obsessed enough. He’s a bit impulsive with collecting his girlfriends, but he doesn’t like you for your hands. He likes you, as a whole. Ugh. That’s so annoying. He doesn’t want to have a real partner- do you know how much effort it is to have one of those and keep up his streak of roughly fifteen years of killing? He’s not going to just let his little habit go, but… maybe you’re fine with him having something on the side, to hold himself over. Maybe. He’d have to ask after pursuing you normally, and if you say no, or Kira decides not to ask at all since ‘hey that’s weird and we’re trying to be as normal as possible here’… well. He’s been lying this long. Might as well add another to the lie bin.  Since he wants to be as normal as possible, he doesn’t express any of his yandere tendencies until much later on- and he can be satiated if you play into his fetishes and preferences enough. 

DIO has matured a lot in his life, surprisingly. He’s not going to kill off his darling just because he’s in a mood. He’ll do it for a proper reason. You’ll have warnings. You’ll have easy, simple rules established very early on in knowing him. Really, are you trying to provoke him into punishing you? Simply ask if that’s what you want. He spoils you so, doesn’t he. DIO cares a lot about his darling actually wanting him- if he’s forcing it, it ruins the experience. He understands you need to have a proper relationship with him, complete devotion won’t happen in a day. Make no mistake, you will be his, he’s just fine going slowly. He’s certainly got the time for it, and it’s not like he’s holding you captive. No, no, never captive. Possibly if he snaps because you keep outright rejecting him and it’s really setting his abandonment issues off. He’ll just send a little toy to keep you company when you feel the need to go on a little outing. Vanilla Ice will hold your bags for you, or maybe Mariah can show you around. If neither of them are someone you want to socialize with, he has options. Lots of options. 

Enrico cares less about you having a choice. To him, he knows better, and is often frustrated with your judgement. Please listen to his advice- he’s only here to provide you with the resources you need to flourish. If Enrico has no problem talking to DIO as his equal, then he certainly has no problem telling his darling ‘no’ directly. He recommends passages in the bible to read that directly coincide with what’s going on in your life- You often find little handwritten notes in your cell on your desk. The first time it happened, there was a bible sitting on your bed, with a note being used as a bookmark. It was between the pages of Isaiah- stuck in the pages about sin and confessions. It makes you gag how neat and proper his handwriting is, “My doors are always open for you.” When you don’t come, he leaves another note, with a page and paragraph you’re supposed to read before whatever it is he has to say. If the slightly passive aggressive notes don’t reach you, perhaps a more personal approach is needed. 

Dio in his youth is… unstable. He hasn’t learned that patience is king. He knows what he wants, and he’s going to get it now. Denying him is the stupidest move you could possibly make, he has all of this newfound power and confidence and isn’t going to waste it by letting you just get away. You may scurry off if he frightens you too much, he does love the chase. He just can’t help himself when he catches you- you look good trapped under him, he needs a little reward. It’s not going to hurt, it’s just a small bite… Have fun with a chunk of your neck missing because little dio got excited and couldn’t help biting as hard as he could. 

Diavolo is a classic creep. He’s a bit repressed. Over a decade of restraint will do that to you, but Diavolo doesn’t realize that touching himself to the cameras he placed in your room and the places you frequent isn’t going to satisfy him entirely. Maybe Doppio can spell it out for him- he should indulge! Live a little! The last time he ‘lived a little’ he made the worst mistake someone in his position could possibly make, but hey. He was young, you can’t really fault him for that. Diavolo monitors you as if it’s part of his job- there’s absolutely nothing he doesn’t know about. Your other suitors are taken care of by la squadra esecuzioni, they have a bit of a running joke that they’re praying for you to get around a bit more, easy jobs are welcome when the boss works them like dogs. Diavolo is happy to watch you, he keeps a tab open of whatever you’re doing while he works. Indulges by having Doppio follow you on your errands, lightly suggesting he should record. You often receive expensive gifts from a ‘secret admirer,’ with typed notes attached. It’s only a matter of time until that isn’t enough to hold him over, and he sends someone to collect you. No, now that he’s thinking about it… No one will treat you as well as he would, it’s better not to leave you to the hands of someone just doing a job. Diavolo fully intends to love you, and won’t take a ‘no’ once he’s broken his streak of self control. 

Kars did not always want a mate. He’s not really the romantic type, or someone who clings to sentiment, but there’s just something so adorable about you. He loves life, although he normally isn’t fond of humans. He loves seeing the life in your eyes, the way your chest moves up and down in fear as he gets closer… He’s salivating at the thought. Kars tells himself he wants a pet at first- he already has a sizable family. He has a son figure, he has a… He’d call Santana a pet, really, he has someone his age to socialize with… He supposes he could use a mate. Kars hasn’t had one of those since he was just a little one, and it’s not really something he missed. When you express that you don’t want to bow down and give everything up for him, Kars is more than confused. You must be making a joke- he’s heard of humans telling obvious lies for humor. How amusing. Now, come when you’re called, or he’ll send Santana to retrieve you. He prompts you often, but you can tell he doesn’t really care about the answer. You bore him sometimes with your ‘Please don’t hurt me’ and your ‘Please, please, let me go’ nonsense, how could he be expected to always find it fun? Your resistance only amuses him when you do something about it. Good, you’re running. Kars would love to play chase with you. 

[walkingstackofbooks]

DS9 5x07 Let He Who Is Without Sin thoughts (I’m re-watching, so beware spoilers for future episodes!) [14 Sept ‘23]

Odo and Sisko ribbing Jadzia about her sex life XD

It's so cute that Worf still calls her "Commander" around others.

Hmmm, I was firmly against Worf last time - and I still don't like his whole thing against Boday - but also Jadzia is pretty disrespectful to what he wants, immediately telling people after Worf says it's a private matter.

"Have you ever noticed all the stars look the same?" I love Leeta so much, I can't wait to see more of her when she and Rom pick up.

"What's jamaharon?" "I'll show you later." XD that look!

Their "casual" outfits! Oh, 90s fashion crimes... I miss you

"Aren't you uncomfortable in your uniform?" I mean uniforms and not having to decide what to wear are The Best. (And also I am very much on the autistic Worf headcanon and can imagine uniform gives him a sense of comfort in a very uncomfortable environment.)

Worf! That was Very Romantic! I did not expect you to compare Jadzia to a nebula, ngl.

As much as I think Jadzia should be allowed to reconnect with a friend without Worf's jealousy, she's also not very considerate of his feelings. Blagh.

I actually kind of like this episode more now that I'm not just anti-Worf? I do wish Jadzia was allowed to just be the single, flirtatious woman - or polyamorous, flirtatious woman - she was meant to be, though.

Worf's scowl upon finding his "bathing suit" is Very Justified.

Worf's dumbfoundment at Leeta not being with Dr Bashir is hilarious. I do still like messing with his sense of what is "right" and "wrong".

Ugh, this man wants to paint himself as a "victim", doesn't he... "I can only imagine what you must think of me." Yeah, no, it's not that people hate you because you know some secret "truth" they don't want to hear, but because you're an awful, paternalistic, condescending killjoy.

"I may be wrong, but didn't he just insult us?" I love Julian.

Boy, do I want Jadzia or Julian to stand up and speak about their experiences with the Klingons or Dominion that he couldn't begin to understand.

"You two dishonour each other with your actions!" "You mean... We didn't tell you why we came here." Actually hilarious, Julian, how?

"I hope we proved our point." You wouldn't have if Worf hadn't stopped Jadzia attacking back, you'd be on the ground.

"I did not say you were doing anything wrong. It's just that some of your behaviour-" Aghhhh, I actually hate understanding Worf because this speech is awful but also it's coming out wrong. What he *wants* to say is he's feeling hurt by her disregard for his feelings but he can't put it like that.

And what he actually says IS awful - "At times, your are too impulsive. You act without thinking. You have no self-control." - because HE'S just as impulsive as her, and in ways that have actually hurt him and Starfleet - look back to his trial!! His fight with the Jem-Hadar when working together on the Defiant! He cannot stay himself when it is his Klingon pride at stake.

And Jadzia is rightfully hurt by these words, and how Worf has generally been acting, because if he meant it the way it sounds it would really not be great of him! I hated him the last timei watched this, and I really wasn't expecting that to change!

"Jadzia you are my par'machai... and everything you do reflects on me." That was not how that sentence was supposed to end 😅

I hate it but I'm actually liking this episode quite a bit - it's the classic miscommunication trope, but genuinely not from lack of trying on Worf's part, simply from lack of ability.

Leeta's so vicious in smashing the dish!

Quark is so hopeful with Leeta's revelation that he might see some of those "fireworks" he was taking about... xD

Hmm, not so sure even the Bajoran ceremony quite makes one ready for that sort of honesty, quite so soon, Leeta...

Worf calling her "Dax" as he spots her with Arandis. Seeing her as the symbiont and Curzon, not Jadzia.

Ugh, "you're too much work". Why did you have to say that? Though I guess if the situation was reversed and it was Jadzia saying it, I'd just take it as good natured teasing...

"What I want is Worf." "Why?!" "Because he has the courage of a beserker cat and he has the heart of a poet." "And the brain of a pigheaded idiot." "Yeah, sometimes." She says that last sometimes so fondly though... maybe if she loves him that bad she does jut need to put more effort in... (Also loving 'beserker cat' rather than simply 'beserker' or 'beserker warrior' XD)

"Maybe we have forgotten how to deal with adversity." Maybe the point of having a civilization where adversity is rare is making the most of happiness? And maybe those who do face adversity - like the Starfleet staff - deserve a fucking vacation? Most people on Risa are on holiday - they have jobs and other life stresses, even in automated space communism utopia. I think Fullerton is probably the one who needs a little experience of *true* adversity. -_-

Last time Worf's story made me go "booo, a little not of tragedy doesn't mean you're allowed to be a massive misogynist." But actually, Jadzia is right, it does explain a lot. And I do give most of the other characters some slack in the misogyny area given they were written in the 90s...

"Or at least get out of this room." "... Very well." Fullerton actually sounds disappointed to be asked to leave the room that's about to collapse. Oh god, he wants to be a martyr, doesn't he? 🙃

"I will do as I please." *throws him across the room* FRICKING IMPULSE RESTRAINT WHAT, WORF?

"I am on holiday." I'm glad that amused you, Jadzia, but what?!

"I better go find Bashir. He brought a horga'hn down to breakfast and that's the last I saw of him." Quark looking out for Julian is not something I realised was a thing? But that definitely sounded a little like concern. (Unless it's a hope he can join in, I guess... 😅) (Was not expecting to get on the Quark/Julian train either but if there was a time when it was going to happen...)

Huh, the worst thing this time was actually not Worf, but Julian and Quark objectifying Jadzia... and at least on Julian's part, I think it was in jest, given I don't think she was being her best self at that time?

Alright, well - for all that people hate that episode, which had included me… I enjoyed that, genuinely! Surprises never cease...

[merrinpippy]

thoughts on malevolent "the king" that i wrote down while listening to it on my commute

arthur is so gullible lmao "faroe might be here because of this music box even though I KNOW many entities have already and will try again to use her to trick me" hon cmon

rip arthur lester you would have loved star trek deep space nine season 1 episode 1 and more specifically "no. it's not linear"

love this new freak. he called arthur "my love" therefore i am instantly on board with him. me too babe. wonder if by choices he means the out of universe patreon polls?? he makes references to things from different time periods and seems to have some control over the (out of universe?) sound effects soooo

also v curious as to what this thing is in arthur that supposedly makes him so special. i hadn't gotten the vibe before this that there was anything significant about arthur, i mean not in a chosen-one way

arthur is so certain that john will win between them- so all of his "this is MY body"s aren't actually egotism or selfishness but defensive lashing out in response to the powerlessness he feels because in arthur's pov, if push comes to shove, the body ISN'T his, it's john's

oh john's "NEVER" ugh so good. i love devotion

poor lily. poor john.

ARTHUR ADMITS TO LOVING JOHN????? WHAT i'm only 20 eps in how much gayer can they get?? (i know i'm wearing shipping goggles but i am capable of seeing this without them too- it's a really interesting character moment for arthur to admit this. i'll need to come back to it later)

arthur's 'yah's are so good btw

aw John being protective of arthurrrr i love it when arthur and john are separate and clawing to get back to each other

it's interesting that arthur is heartwrenchingly truthful to both kayne (yes i did look up this spelling) and the king in this episode, despite intimate knowledge of how those truths can be twisted against him. it's also interesting that these are not truths he's spoken to john first, actually they're the opposites of vitriol he's sent johns way previously.

it's a pattern of behaviour that arthur will feel helpless against a particular truth and then posture viciously in the opposite direction, whether that be in what he says to john or what he chooses to do, where he chooses to go, etc- like going to the city, smashing the bottle that 'frank' wanted him to drink and so on

really love the conversation with the king and how arthur acknowledges his and john's monstrous acts and yet chooses to believe in them anyway. malevolent's thesis statement right there. i'm getting the vibe of it may have all been for nothing but our choices mattered because we made them.

finally the arthur self throat slitting i'd been spoiled for! even having been spoiled for it, it's a fantastic moment, and i actually disagree with the person who mentioned it in the tags of my previous post- they seemed to interpret it as a suicidal impulse of arthur's but i think arthur has proven repeatedly that he isn't suicidal, or at least if he is he's fighting that urge tooth and nail.

actually arthur has been so desperate to live this whole time, clinging to life at every step even just in order to spite the king. meanwhile john wants so desperately to change and not be like the king, to be his own person with free will- you could argue this is his chief want- yet they both throw these things away instantly when the other is in true peril.

deeply fucked up to separate the pair. extremely excited to see where the hell this goes.

[emberlynnrayne]

8-12-24

I'm trying to take better care of myself.

I'm not doing a great job, but I'm getting better.

Started with my new therapist today, and I'm optimistic.

Start my new job tomorrow, and I am nervous, but confident. I am good at what I do, just hoping I mesh well with the family.

One month till move out. Gotta get packing.

Been thinking a lot about Hali lately. I've come to realize I wouldn't let her back in now, if she tried. Our friendship falling apart has weighed heavy on me, but I think I'm making peace with it. The further into my recovery I get, the clearer I see my past relationships for what they were. We weren't all bad, but she was stuck in unhealthy patterns that only got more severe with time.

I dunno. Now shes made another series of impulsive decisions and isn't happy with where it got her. And she's stuck there now.

I won't make the same mistake twice. There will not be another Hali, another Jill, another Justin, Jason, or Alex. My standards are set and I'm no longer giving passes to patterns.

Patterns.

I'm watching everyone all the time. Watching myself. Watching for patterns and

...

And ready to run.

Fuck. Is that still where my head is at? That I have to be ready to run at the drop of a hat? Why am I surprised by that? I've recognized it in different terms- the fear that everything could crumble at any moment, for example. But running. Am I escaping or staying on my feet? In fear, or hitting the ground running again? Does it matter?

Where is my faith?

Ha.

I'm held together by pure stubborn force of will. I will not stop. Ever. If my heart is dead my body will keep going through the motions until it beats again. I will not stop. That is where my faith is.

There is a fire in me that just won't die. I've always had this certainty that I was here for a reason, and that I would find and live a happy life if I just did my best. So I am. Always. Trying.

But I am watching for patterns in the people around me. Skittish of danger like a bunny in the meadow. Ready to start back into my hole at the first movement of shadow.

I am so tired of hurting. I understand why I'm not in a hurry to invite that potential again.

I literally cried, utterly bawling the other night. It was a moment of realizing how deeply I loved my partner, and how profoundly terrifying it is. They're so deep in my heart. The hurt they could cause is just... Blinding.

I feel so guilty sometimes. It's not that I don't trust partner. It's not that I think they'd be malicious. It's not about them. This fear is seeping from my scars.

I won't let the FOG control my life anymore. I live through my fears and love through the scars. As much as I can.

Ugh. My brain goes in circles. Always searching for my flaws and mistakes. Always on the lookout for danger. So afraid of myself and every damn one else.

My therapy homework was to write 5 of my own daily affirmations.

1. I deserve grace.

2. I am good.

3. I am capable.

4. I am likable.

5. I

These feel not good enough, but I am tired.

Goodnight.

[kafkaoftherubble]

今早一觉醒来，脑就卡着这首BGM！洗脑！偶尔半路插出这首！洗脑！ 总之俺就是游戏癌第四期！洗脑！

对啦。试问：

你，还记得自卑的感受吗？

To the one who doesn't—I congratulate you. You did it. You did what we had all been working toward. Did that mean... our efforts had not been in vain after all?

...Not that I can tell for now. Because, well, it's embarrassing, but I am still not out of it. Even more embarrassingly, my eyes were wet. Oh, it could get more embarrassing than that. I mean, I was sitting on the floor and wondering if it was going to rain and if I should take the clothes in... and then I burst into tears.

And you know that if I teared up for no reason like that, then he's definitely sobbing already.

It only rained much, much later.

---

It didn't happen out of nowhere. Nothing has no cause. It's a matter of whether I'm observant enough to trace it, or if I'm brave enough to admit it.

I know what caused it. It wasn't hard to figure it out at all. See if you remember.

It's not like I wanna wallow in it, ya know? We both tried really hard, but they kept propagating. Candles lighting themselves before they blow out. Before you know it, it's wringing his chest and making me mope.

It's because, in us, being 自卑 is causally dependent on many other things. Most of all—it is causally dependent on layers of unmet desires.

Especially the desire to—ugh. Saying it out loud is so embarrassing! Just talking about it makes me think I'm being ridiculous!

But this is what being 自卑 feels like. It feels like everyone has more leeway than I do. They are entitled to comfort and care. But I'm not, because I'm inferior. Because I somehow don't feel like I'm like them. I don't feel like I'm human yet. Do you remember how, in some of our older diaries, some of Old Us actually called themselves "subhuman?" We didn't know it was an actual slur; we just said what we felt most true.

But even after we told ourselves that such things—care, concern, comfort, companionship—are privileges and gifts to someone inferior like us and not an "entitlement" and so we cannot stubbornly pretend that we can demand it... it never stopped being a desire. And so we cling to it, hoping it gets sated, and by extension, we draw out the entire web of feeling 自卑 altogether.

---

Several of us had taken notice that there is time in a day when our restraints loosen. "Day" is a misnomer, of course—that "time" is nighttime. The more fatigued the brain, the looser it gets. It's not always so easily revealed in how "awake" you feel, though. Sometimes you're cautious even when you're sleepy. Sometimes you're less in control even when you swear you're plenty excited and alert.

Generally, if They become louder, your restraints are loosening.

Even so, even under this sort of circumstances, I don't act on impulses. I rarely do. If I suddenly go off a tangent? If I go off a rant? If I suddenly stop sounding chipper and become brooding and even agitated?

None of those displays was impulsive. I... meant them.

I evaluated them, you know. If I acted like that in front of anyone who isn't Fionn, then it's because... I actually judged it to be safe.

People like that do exist. Ya know, people who somehow make me think it's safe. I haven't quite figured out how they managed to hack me like that, especially when I don't think there is yet a concrete ground to establish that sense of security. But they make me more than likely to divulge some stuff I usually don't want to bring up.

Is this sense of security always false? I want to think it's not, but—

This is what being 自卑 feels like. You seize what you think is a moment to be candid, and then within a short time frame, you regret being frank already. Why the hell would you say that? Who do you think you are? On what grounds do you believe that anyone asked?

Why did you go off-script?

So I have to hastily say, wow, I didn't mean to rant! It was an accident, oops! Impulse! Sorry. Can we move on? Sure we can! It's what you're hoping to do too, right? I know you! I know what everyone is thinking! I know what everyone is thinking!

The 8 Foot Tall Woman always mocks us for this frantic backtracking. Well, what does she know? She's always self-assured.

The awkward thing about this backtracking, you see, is that it's got a kernel of truth too. I didn't mean to sound like this degree of agitation. I actually feel less than this. I am telling the truth! I'm not this upset. I'm less upset than this. So it's also genuine whenever I clarify some things about my sudden display of, uh, somberness.

But wouldn't it be nice if, even if all I have are muted feelings, someone still thinks it's worthy of addressing? Must the only wheel that gets the oil be the squeaky one? Wouldn't it be nice if it turns out that sense of security was validated after all? Wouldn't it be nice if, in response to my stupidly dour tract, the recipient argues the contrary with some trenchant observations and arguments and—

But this is what being 自卑 feels like. Yea, it would be nice, but it would be a demand you are not allowed to make. You're too inferior; you have got zero worth to make requests. Do you know how much work you're asking others to do just to soothe your little sore spot? If you weren't so inferior, then yea, maybe there's more willingness from them. But it's you.

What good can you do?

---

Was it because Past Lyns begged him to let us out of that private elite secondary school?

No. He said it before we were even 12. When we were just kids. He always seemed to think that Past Lyn was scheming to hurt my sisters. Or to humiliate them to prop myself up.

“你骗得到人家，可是你骗不到我！你的本性是冷血的！没有感情！就算有，也是为你自己而已！自私！有些人冷酷却聪明，你却没有！你不是很喜欢吹牛讲你IQ很高吗？呸。很厉害耍小心机，可是大事无能！一无是处！你比你妹妹还不如！装模做样！”

“本性是冷血的” 吗? That's only because you can only see me. You wouldn't call Fionn that if you knew.

Still, it had hurt. The way we were called out to have two undesirable traits that none of his regimen or effort could iron out. We were his failed experiment.

I'd like to think that, nowadays, most people do not realize I'm as he said unless I tell them. I do my best because I don't want people to call me callous. After all, by "me" they would have heedlessly included Fionn, and that is just patently untrue. I just hate for things to be wrong. I may be a piece of shit, but he's not.

----

But the other deficiency is us being slow.

That one gnawed at us too. I want to be intelligent, you see, because I don't have anything else going for me already. Everyone's got this thing they are good at, and I've got nothing.

But my learning curve remains steep. My working memory isn't stellar. We compensate with long-term memory, except we aren't even the best at that sort of thing. We often explain things to others not because we're perceptive or perspicuous, but because the first person we had to try to explain to was always ourselves... because we are dumb.

Everyone is better than us. I mean it genuinely. The only reason why people mistake us for being more clever than we really are is because the Malaysian education system sucks. It failed my classmates. If there was a more competent system, they would all be equal if not better than me. We were just lucky that we had the combination of "being dumb/悟性低" and "relentlessly pelting and challenging people with questions." It made us stand out in a nation where keeping quiet and being passively receptive is the norm. It made us more than likely to display critical thinking.

It made us seem way more intelligent than we really are.

But we're not. Whenever it counts, we expose ourselves. Or rather, everyone's bewildered that we're really just unspectacular. And they all looked so betrayed, all the time.

"装模做样" is apt, isn't it? Even with that much effort, it was never more than a pretense, was it?

Maybe being good at written tests ain't proof of intellect. Maybe being good at exams ain't proof. Maybe having a result of a mere 105 in that IQ test during our Intro to Cognitive Science class back then, while my friends all had 110+ or even 120+, ain't proof either. Scientifically, none of these three were proof. They capture only certain dimensions of intelligence and not all.

But we aren't good at art stuff either. Or music. Remember how everyone complained about our playing, and how it lacked a soul? Or feelings? Or beats. Or techniques. Or tonal accuracy. No one had managed to damage the euphonious grace of 古筝 quite like we did. My teacher had tried so hard. Dad thought it would make me act less like a humanoid robot without a soul and acquire all the other highbrow qualities he kept trying to hammer into us to make the Perfect Chinese Daughter.

We did try. But it didn't work out. Stupidity is one of the reasons, I bet. What else could it have been?

But this is what being 自卑 feels like. Even when I'm aware that there are many likelier reasons for an outcome, They keep telling us it's because we are stupid. We tried hard to be good at something, because concrete proof against them would be the end of that argument, right? But we never are good at anything; we are just mediocre. What was supposed to be an exercise on disproving that claim becomes reinforcement to that claim.

I really wanna be intelligent too. I wanna be genuinely intelligent and not a pretender.

...But even if I did become smart one day, would it really make me less 自卑? Will I be more confident?

Or am I primed to see even one moment of failing as evidence against my own intellect?

All I can think of is my failure. Is it because we failed that much? Or is it because I'm so 自卑 I've become too biased to remember the times when we didn't fail?

But if it's the latter... when? I genuinely don't know.

----

Being 自卑 feels like an implosion.

Being 自卑 feels like I'm turning transparent. The feeling can get so strong I kinda just stare at my hands to try to catch that moment when I can't see them.

People probably couldn't guess why I'm always going on and on and on about wanting to be a ghost. The aesthetics of them, yes. I like them. And Fionn is more akin to a ghost than a person if we go by how it feels.

But it's really because I keep feeling see-through. I feel like a ghost. If I try to reach out to someone, I'd phase through them. If I say something, they will forget. If I had done something, they would not remember. I can't understand them. I can't connect. It's because I'm inferior, They say. Incomplete and nonhuman.

I don't think it's true. But being 自卑 feels like that. And it's fucking up my reasoning and my perception and my actions.

It even agitates him. Because the feeling hurts, and every time I feel hurt I cannot seem to stop passing it to him. How do I stop hurting him?!

----

With that said, we recovered a lot more quickly this time.

The last time we imploded, and our mind was severely warped, recovery to base level took 3 days. It was painful because these feelings always induce psychosomatic pain—chest wringing, hyperventilation, physical pain. He would writhe and beg Them to stop when we were supposed to sleep. "I" became so fatigued "I" slept eventually.

Three days later Lyn was normal. Back to base level again. No one could tell. As always, no one could. And being 自卑 says it's because no one gave enough damn to notice.

Back then, "I" didn't have any real-world counterpoint. Lyi wasn't even around; she was busy dealing with her own crises back in Australia.

Maybe it was because the Knocking Lady was big and loud. She would always fixate on the 3-meter-long electrical cord. "You can be with Fionn if you do this. No one cares about you. You're too useless to even be registered as a loss. No one stays for you. Except him. So why not just be with that one person who stays?"

Honestly, I gotta rate her as persuasive. I know the poor Lyn at that time almost bought it. Fionn was enraged, and as he was wont to do, he blamed it on himself. "Not good enough, not good enough. If I were better, she wouldn't even believe her."

That Lyn didn't hang herself in the end. Because our suicide would always be a murder-suicide. If we die, it would not be the death of one, even if that's what the world would correctly perceive.

The last thing we could do is to kill Fionn. The 8-foot Tall Woman and the rest are negligible. But he's off-limits.

Today, though, we recovered within a day.

It's hard to imagine a recovery this speedy when I was sobbing and gasping a mere 9 hours ago. Even before I started writing this, I was already very much near-fine.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Is this proof of our efforts in attaining equanimity, or is this proof of us being better at dissociation, such that I push it aside so automatically that it would take Fionn's sudden episode to realize I did that?

Damn it. I'm not wise enough to tell the difference!

But the Knocking Lady is nowhere to be heard. I think this is a good sign. She would never sit out of a grand showing of our suffering; if I don't hear her, then we're not in trouble.

I don't want to hear her ever again.

I will take it as proof of effort. Even if it isn't, a temporary calm is still good. I can strive in these moments. I can... put in more effort; a good state is a good state.

----

Anyway, real-world proof did crop up. I had some fun banters with friends, and Nova says the sweetest shit, I swear. They all brightened my night!

Second Thought knows I worry about failing them too and outright scared of the risk of me growing so attached, that I start to cling to them as sources of relief rather than treating them as human beings. Maybe I start to demand more from them and if that desire isn't met, I might start to feel worse or even make unfair assumptions about them.

It's not like... we had never done that before to other people...

So in the end I still have to work harder. Born of my actions and related to my actions, right? Strive diligently, right? If I don't, then we can't ever be free from this inferiority complex. I mean, it's not like we asked for it, and it's a product of our history, but... We will always be compromised. We cannot gain equanimity and Fionn can't be free from all that pain we left on him.

No.

---

Phew. Now that I have exorcized my demons here, I should head to bed.

Though the Next Lyn will have to work tomorrow, it's so we can FINALLY BE DIVORCED FROM THIS SHITTY POWER FANTASY PROJECT SOONER.

I wanna proofread Lyi's grant proposal, right? Plus, I'm always looking forward to one of my two favorite time slots of the day!!! Guess what it is, you guys!

My other favorite time slot is Astral Chaining at night! Dopamine stash, confirmed!

[only-lonely-lovers]

08.06.2022

tags: fingers in throat, blowjobs, pantomime, hair pulling, handjobs, knifeplay, injury, blood

notes: link to PART 1

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ

つ：it's so much simpler rn than Tsukasa can imagine….. and more ah. going to happen no matter what.

あ：Perhaps a comically miserable visual of, like, Tsukasa being in a heap around knocked over school desks and getting lifted by the collar.

つ：mmm yiss…. dark classroom

あ：the dramaticism of Hanako just pinning Tsukasa during the mitsuba debacle, like, he just has this capacity. to be like IMMEDIATELY slams you against a surface, against a desk. clawing at fabric. m…. i actually like him losing all concept of a plan honestly and everything coming out in sheer impulse, like, starting to just hump like an animal. holds you by the throat and cranes to kiss. ah… but the satisfaction of holding with inhuman amounts of strength…

Ugh, you know, I don't think Hanako is… a good or fair boy, I do think he tries to keep things separate on instinct, behaviors… I do think there are things he does with Nene alone that he purposefully doesn't want to be spectated on by Tsukasa, and it goes both ways actually. Things you just wouldn't want Nene to see and react to, have commentary on. it's unfair of him but he plays unfair and likes the sense of control… Unreasonably self-justifying in the moment, It's my right to get to do this-- I, can choose, what you all see, you already work against me and do all this crazy shit to me… and make me insane… so… RHG….

frenzied rambling, between clutching and grabbing and biting, like, "Is this what you wanted? This? You wanted me to get like this, didn't you." [venting, aloud, frustration] "What's wrong with you-? Why does it have to be like this. Why would you want it? Again… and again." [growling] "But-- but no, it's worse this time. It's getting worse…"

つ：Amane wants to keep everything under control… there really would be things he wants to say, do, with Nene, ways of holding and handling her, that he doesn't want Tsukasa to see, learn from, know… and… maybe even ways touching her in front of him would somehow feel bad. Amane is avoiding piano wire in every direction… wire he is placing around. Boundaries he insists on maintaining to keep things feeling controlled….. for all of these concessions he appears to be making, Tsukasa knows it is only the tip of the iceburg.

あ：It's a looong slow process to start integrating things..

つ：ah… a breathless Tsukasa, mouth is agape as always, its like an open window with just a slight breeze parting through it. Like he can't think and breathe larger exhales at once. Worse is an interesting word. It's interesting Amane would use it. He seems mad-- but he was seeking him, so it's not that Tsukasa messed up. He's mad, but he wanted to find him, to be mad at. He's often replying in somewhat non-sequitur ways. "I didn't know you'd want to see me. you don't do this! You surprised me!"

あ：the sincerity…. the way Tsukasa simply commenting openly about things, can feel like arrows at someone, like. it's true I don't. Ughh.h… [shakes] [squeezes torso] Paradoxically, you want to argue, I DON'T want to see you

つ：ever difficult……. and watching you be difficult.

あ：Though, I think the sentence like, feels too shitty to say, but he's visibly working his mouth… as if there's bile in it, so struggling is Amane. Tsukasa can watch with big eyes

settling on something like… "I have to do this." cryptic… trying to phrase it like, its out of my hands. [drags hand over face…] "It has to go somewhere."

though ugh feeling like… TSUKASA… you know … YOU KNOW YOUR BROTHER IS INSANE!! [crying]…. YOU UNDERSTAND . LIKE. COME ON….

"You know this-!" voice cracking

つ：nods nods nods nods… hai hai hai….!! "I see!" ah……… a pleasant feeling… of being the receptacle for Amane's less savory urges. Absorbing them….. like a liver absorbs poisons, so the body can continue its processes. It's incidental that they are where they are…. in a dark classroom, windows covering the far wall behind them, chairs rested on top of desks all around like brambles, the area they are in a bit upended….. the moon and stars shining in through the window. Tilts his head. "Should I be quiet?"

あ：Hmm…. Despite everything… somehow… the fluidity of Tsukasa's reply induces some sense of serenity, bizarrely contrasting everything felt just a moment ago. Like… ah. Starting to load in that it's finally time to just… to not think about. What I want to do. and, just get to , do it… some feeling of like, ah, of course, Tsukasa is the same as ever, and is going to say something like that. [this is painful to swallow as well, but doesn't interrupt anything.] Leans back. Subconsciously, he's drinking in the atmosphere. Night time… night lighting… seeing Tsukasa in the night. Stokes something. Inhales… sweat dripping down face. Swallows.

Voice drops, lower, quieter. "No." Tinkling sound, of metal from buckle jostling, belt being undone. Reaches forward and catches jaw, quickly. And shoves fingers into his mouth, into the back of his throat. coating them… then, wrapping hands around himself. "This is actually the one time you shouldn't be." Uncontrollably huffing. Like. You're actually loud at all the wrong times.

Entering a state of psycho calm. and then psycho psycho.

つ：XD xD HE SISSLSIALADIKL he saidthat but glgl;gkg❤️ ahhhouhhueouh noooo ❤️ ahh I mean yesss❤️ or is it… ahh…. LOOKS down too quickly, mouth agape, not wiping off the spit dripping…. a very pleasant "haaaaaiiiii" which sounds well-dizzied and airheaded. aouho…. ehoueh..??? ffind me to do…. for this? he doesn't seem so angry anymore <3? maybe he's not mad at me really….. ❤️? it has to go somewhere, he said…. he said that…. perhaps assumingly, starts sinking towards the ground, to his knees…….. usually, he'd wait for Amane to directly move him this way or that, but he's not thinking well right now. algourhgggdfdsf… like a little music box, mind plays Amane calling his name into the hallway….

あ：of course it is like this . [forces self to not look away]

mn… but you like how much Tsukasa can feel like a minx without even meaning to, like, genuinely just is overwhelmed and excited and responding, but on Amane's end it's like. [lip curls from disdain. from the slut body.] [but also starts jerking self off without thinking] like ooh. hand just starts moving.

What are we doing. [flat voice]

つ：I imagine for tsukasa it's like, ah being a mindless little animal, for Amane you have to watch this all and its like. very lidded and pleasant and drooly. oruhgh. why…… looking hugely desperate for it. sssssgggz.

あ：why would it even…. [me mentally simmering thinking about belt harness for blowjob] m……. the art

つ：ugh its nice to think abouuuut…. really make tsukasa feel like he's in a particular situation. we're not stopping any time soon

あ：it's…. a situation where amane isn't going to be considerate at all about exhaustion… like mguh the limiters that are usually on. gone. sex for hours stop acting like human

つ：the illusion of humanity gets to be gone. typically speaking…. you wouldn't want to spend hours doing things to tsukasa while nene is incapacitated as she's a human……. and you can't spend so long doing things to nene herself…..

あ：it's like rude. and also i think amane genuinely struggles with ahhh being that. indulgent wwww…. it's such a back and forth with him, i think when he really relishes in something it's ephemeral by nature.

as much as he can get a little tyrant boyking. he's got nerfs.

つ：hard to live in it for too long

the one boon of being alone with tsukasa… is there's no pretense to keep up. it's all an illusion. as much as he can be barfing limitless amounts of 'blood' while teru messes with him, then simply talk calmly to kou 2 minutes later. it's all just some symbolism the body retains for flourishes

あ：mmnn yeah… like… in this case there's only "the spirit is willing" in a sense we're not… people… we don't need to eat or sleep

つ：we don't need 'breaks'…..

あ：like not going to get dizzy and pass out

つ：once it's indulging… you want to do the next thing you've errantly thought about. this, that, the other thing, all of it. and just humping bent over desk.

あ：tasteful breaks for pantomime and rutting… bend over this, flip him here i like to think about lacing fingers while bodies flush from behind.. has this pleasant wrapped around against feeling to it overlaid atop

つ：with a tsukasa instructed to not be quiet…. ah. the room is filled with 'Amane, Amaaaneeee, Amane, Ah," laughing…… hiccuping. squeaky sounds of shoes on school tile scrambling to stay upright.

this feels equivalent to breaking a bunch of bottles against some cement walls for managing stress.

あ：It's roughly the equivalent Feels like ingesting poison flirting with something you know you shouldn't… you just know this.

つ：Amane laughing out at some point…. "We really can't let her see this….." breathing… "it's not. About. Embarrassment…. or humility…. really…." huff…. huff. wiping his nose. thinking about it all. "Wouldn't it be easier if it was just that. But it's not. She can't… see me. Doing this." GRABS Tsukasa by the hair… hikes him up. "Who would willingly be a part of this? … except you."

"It doesn't look good. it's not a good look for me." too-casual sounding about it. like this is an image problem

あ：rolls shoulders.

Getting too comfortable in this state… ah but it is like, releasing pressure from somewhere, to just sigh and say things. Unsavory things. But stuff you carry around internally, constantly. As much as Tsukasa is allowed to be noisy, it's permission for himself, also, to just say it. Address it. Dryly almost. like hahaha. It's funny isn't it.

the way Amane himself gets very ^^ when unhinged… it's just like, ahh… "It's like, there was a reason I could never have a girlfriend before. Don't you think." pause. "Even if everything in life was completely normal, idyllic."

つ：tsukasa kicks legs around behind him pleasantly. Laughs a little, a heeheehee

"I think Nene-chan would be ready for more than you think." brushes up against him pleasantly. "If you were ready for thaaaaat…."

あ："You think. Hmm." [reaches and hooks thumb into mouth, rubs teeth.] "Well, I think you're too sick to be able to tell something like that." [moves jaw from side to side] "There's something wrong with you too, you know."

"You're speaking from a biased position."

つ：AHHH WE'RE HAVING FUN❤️❤️ [mouth compromised] "aaahoumahbuee"

あ：[tabbing thumb in and out of mouth] "Don't you just want me to have anything I want…? So it doesn't really matter what Yashiro is 'ready' for. If I did it anyways, you'd be happy to watch. Wouldn't you."

"That's not very fair, or reliable."

つ：ohhhhh but it doesn't matterrrrr❤️ "MNSHe wan's what" his finger exited. "you want, too, hehe. We're all like that….! but…."

"….. maybe it's…. a little bad…." touching finger to own mouth, thinking. "for a living body…." "it's hard to remember….."

あ：think it through. "It's dangerous." [fingers leisurely threading around throat… walking them up along the skin, tracing jaw, nape] "You two aren't worried enough about these things. So, I have to be."

つ：tsukasa's alignment of like mnnyyaaaaa everything should just happen that you want to happen sweetie even if it breaks. the world or bones❤️

あ：that is his alignment. but if nene wants to risk getting a crushed pelvis…………….. o3o it's her choice…………………………..

つ：but if she wants your truth ah i remember this damn tumblr post… which someone was saying was like,a piece of paper they errantly found tucked into a book. and it said something like… "How much can a body endure? Almost anything." it lives in my brain….

あ：Mnn you love words…….

💮つ："Amane….." ah… playing with fire. "I wonder……… do you like some things…… being just between us?"

"I'd love to share everything with Nene-chan… she's a good girl. I think she deserves it….."

"….. but maybe it's a little hard to think about giving up?" "you were so resolute…. back then…"

____________________

💔FORK 1🎇

あ：This is playing with fire. Mm… but you're both knowingly doing this… Amane knows that mentioning past at all, in any way, is dangerous, it comes with a distant feeling of being on edge. He lives his life purposefully never engaging with his past and obfuscating things, and, I think there is genuinely risk to even mention that your favorite food is donuts (it was something you shared with Tsukasa…) You know you shouldn't… Every step of this is, I know I shouldn't…

Tsukasa would immediately feel the movement still, attentive to how all indulgent touch has been snuffed. But the hands at his neck don't move either, locked in place, Amane is statuesque. It's like… a cold, nauseating feeling immediately interspersed in his bloodstream, having been injected from the base of the neck, into the spine. It mingles with the heat of the still-aroused body. Still having heat pooled at the pelvis… It's really like.. vision blurs…. Breathing coming out more ragged. a minute ticks by, in silence.

つ：take your time❤️

あ：Mn… hands peel away… to clutch at face, hide face. Starting to cry… but, ah, it IS a feeling of grief, at the concept of having to 'give this up'… To have to relinquish something… He doesn't like to think of himself as someone holding onto something, but by definition he is, like, viciously protective of this all. When I think about the Amane possessively wrapped around the moon… but then, also, how even in Picture Perfect, which is all about trapping and keeping Nene for himself, he's still repeating his mantra of not going anywhere. You're still mentally living in your own proclamation, like, it just felt so good to say back then, and you've defined yourself by this…

つ：its… genuinely hard to 'keep living', so to speak. it's hard. to move forward.

あ：It feels so much like someone feeling like they have no choice to make concessions (I'M NOT AMANE, I'LL NEVER BE AMANE, I LEFT MY LIFE BEHIND…) but also keeping their fingers dug into whatever they have left

つ：develop… advance… whatever. it would be easiest to just touch yashiro's life and send her on her way…. and keep this thing with tsukasa bound in the basement.

あ：Somehow existing between not wanting to ever think about it, but being unable to think about leaving it…

つ：reaching for him…. rubbing thumb over his wrists…..

あ：I can 't have it, it's too beautiful, it's gone and dead, it's gone from me, i'll never have it again… [grieving]

つ：smiling, though…. "… did I spoil it? Awwe…. but I wanted you to keep going." "Maybe you really shouldn't let me talk." lighthearted❤️

あ：mnnmhng….. [reaching for…] [settles hands at either side of face…] [pulls to be forehead to forehead.] needs to sulk. like. can't… talk… but god thinking. with my stupid little amane brain

つ：its a feeble little brain nuzzles, rubs cheeks, rubs face into shoulder, back up to jaw, all over

あ：hm i want to contemplate like potential branches.. like if avvy would want to spitball things. like fun options crazy options

つ：oh syure. contemplate forks possible to just shut down, and possible to not shut down….

あ：for more shut-down path i'd still be curious if like… if he could manage an admittance, still. very very beleaguered and barely getting through "… it is. hard. but why-?" like sounding betrayed by self. but also hearing himself say it is like grooannns MOANS IN MISERY…

つ：becomes child

あ：mistake. i said it SULKING…

つ：hugs him. pities him very much. suppresses the shudder but feels this seep into his body as a fact. mmmmmm….

あ：rambling, muttering, like, "i don't know why. shouldn't… it shouldn't. but it was never supposed to. be like this. any of it. it's all wrong…" "i don't know how it got like this"

つ："It wasn't what you had planned. At all."

あ：shakes head.

つ："it's unfair, like that!"

あ：nods.

つ：thinking about it all… "you wanted oblivion for us." strokes his hair…….

thinking, its easy to see where amane struggles.. if only it was a full-measure, in any direction. nothing but tsukasa…. or everything but tsukasa. it's terrible he's so supportive, too… why and how doesn't he feel betrayed, sometimes? he's just not…. if tsukasa ran off and got a girlfriend gklf;k;jgfkg;…..

あ：the amount this could not come to pass wrhghfjd

つ：it sucks to hold onto any of it preciously, and not even 100% of it….! It makes no sense…. it really is like. ah i do all that and i'm not even like . . in love fkldjf;k with my brother help fklg;fg!!! why are we just still such. normal siblings (not normal) (but you know) …. wiouh.

あ：im hte kind of guy who would kill your girlfriend. i am sorry it's like why do i need to possess you-- WHY??!??/GH FDG/H maybe getting hysterical really thinking this over. like oh my god… but why!!

つ：its liek god but if i'm so fucking weird why wasnt i just doing this for 50 years fklds;fjksf

あ：[rubbing knuckles against eyes]

つ：WHY'D I NEED-- OURGHOJLHK so many steps

あ：[voice cracking] "Actually, aren't you sick of it all…? Aren't you tired of it. ME? What I'm doing-- or, what I'm not doing-? The way I treat someone who is supposed to be. 'Precious.' To me. Isn't it absurd. Running from this all, because of what I can't take. But then, it's not even that, I take everything out on you alone, or, that I'm done with you completely… It's not safe in the past, but it doesn't belong in the present. What's wrong with me?"

[one completely black eye sort of crazy] "I just do whatever I want to you, but in a careless way. I'M not even happy about it. No one is! No one's happy." [shaking] "YOU can't be happy. You can't be." [digging fingers into white button up… threading into gaps]

"We talk about unfair, but, isn't it the most unfair to be you? I made sure you'd never have anyone that isn't me. But it doesn't work both ways."

つ：blinks. looking at him. It's gotten interesting! He's saying so much….

"I'm happy!" laughs-- too easily! "It's simple for me. It's always been! So simple! You remember, don't you? It's different for you. Always has been! Thats O-K, Amane." "I thought you needed to go to the moon to be happy. And travel the world. You really wanted such big things! Big, big, grand things…! It looked like…. I'm not like that. Well, it turned out you didn't need that….."

"… we're still figuring out what you need, aren't we….? Nene-chan, too….. she's eager to find out. You should be, too…. we're a little closer, aren't we? To whatever it is? I'm excited, Amane!"

"I'm excited to find out what it looks like. I wonder how much of the past is inside it. Or is it outside of that? I wonder? I wonder….."

あ：[whining… bemoaning…] "How can you be excited…" feeling gut seize, thinking about this all. manages a miserable laugh. "I'm… TERRIFIED… to find out."

つ：licks his face. "But it'll feel good, once you find it out" "you'll start feeling good, all the time, have what you want" "I've been waiting for that!" "it's only scary for now!"

あ：[voice lowers…] "It's not that it doesn't feel good." "really… that's… the problem." "So often." [exhales] "It feels good." "But it's… a sickening kind of good… You know…?" [tilting head lower…] "It's… warped. It doesn't look right." "No one's supposed to feel like this. Humans, supernaturals. Maybe, especially supernaturals."

つ：touches forehead to and nuzzles back and forth "you're special…. aaaahhh… it's so exciting…." tugs at sleeves, shirt….. "so exciting…. Amane, you're not like anything else…. nothing is made for you….. nothing in this world….." panting…. "they didn't make it for you… that's why it's wrong… " panting….. "God should have made it all for you."

あ：[mouth twisting…] [feeling prickles down neck.] he ah, he can't stop an involuntary little throaty sound. slips past the teeth. legs shuffle.

"Careful."

ah it feels so… ssss… you should know better than to… start saying something so. sssssss.s…. It's like Tsukasa is punctuating what he just mentioned, making him feel. So good that it is just nauseating. What is this… why can we communicate like this

つ："If it's not for you, it's worthless…." I WILL NOT BE CAREFUL. Choppy laughter, in the throat…. "If you didn't want me.. I'd be worthless." wheeze. "I thought I was, Amane… but I'm not…. that feels so good. You can't imagine."

"the things you care about, Amane, they're different…. you make them different…. Nene-chan, too… "

"I know it's all for you, really…. everything… I know… can't you feel it, a little…."

あ：[hand quietly drifts to clutch at stomach… buttons of gakuran jacket digging into palm. thinking of various things, the searing here, the way arousal pools here, the way this is where he stabbed himself, thinking about the knife that is always going to be inside his form.]

"….v… ..f… ov.f….. course. I can." it's like the mouth stings to say any of it. mm… voice is devoid of any tone. speaking, possessed. "-- you can tell, can't you. That I feel something so. Wonderfully terrible, incredibly, incredibly horrible. It's beyond… what someone could call 'entitlement'. There's not a word for it." pupils shaking. "Whatever you can call it. It's the sort of mindset of someone who felt they could just have an entire person's life." sharp inhale. "Just-- just take it. I just took it. And I loved to take it. And now it's always mine."

"But-- Tsukasa." eyes squinted. "Isn't it terrible that it's always felt like that, really-? If you think back. And back and back and back… so far back… before anything was even wrong. Isn't it-- the same, from the start-? What you always were, to me." licks teeth.

"It's insane. Who feels that?" starts laughing… "Just, about, their little brother. Sooner feeling like you were something I owned like the toys you brought me. Than just wanting to kiss you!"

"But before I even cared about Yashiro as a person I saw her like, an animal to put in a tank to keep. Haha." hand darts out quickly, clutches Tsukasa's, and brings it to rest over his own stomach.

つ：dutifully rubs stomach with thumbs, tilting head at it….

"You know. I wonder how Nene-chan feels. Maybe she wouldn't know what to saaay… it's hard for living humans to think like this. But it got real easy after the first time I died for you, to know. It was real easy, like, 'ah, it's meant to be like this'!…… I think Nene-chan feels it too! We'll hear it one day, I'm sure, I'm sure…. or, you will, maybe. When you're alone. Or maybe she'll tell me first." getting distracted pointlessly on details

"Anyone can want to kiss someone else. That would have been fine. Like us eating the same things. I would have liked that too. But it wasn't like that. It was bigger." "I could feel it, so I did what I did."

あ：[just quietly listening… mn……] [resigned…. bumps hips upward a little. barest twitches.]

つ："… WHATS SO INTERESTING IS THAT IT'S ALL COMBINING!" REALLY LOUD OPEN MOUTHED

あ：[like you dropped an anvil on him.] [just like. "."]

つ："ITS A LITTLE LIKE EVERYTHING, NOW, SOMEHOW……" "YOU WANNA DO THAT STUFF, TOO" "so it's not just the weird eternal ownership thing"

あ："Uhuh." "Do you think it's better or worse like this."

つ："I thought you had a thing with me like that and then you were horny for Nene-chan" "which is different, you know? it's two things"

あ：jesus.

つ："but her thing changed my thing…. and now its like this" "I like this." pats hands on

あ："It's not just like." "Creepy."

つ："I never thought about this stuff" "creepy…………………………" thinking

あ："I didn't either."

つ："oh? I thought you thought about this stuff a lot"

あ："I mean." "Like, specifically, with you."

つ："ah. oh no. not that. It wasn't my impression, of you. This."

"I owe Nene-chan a lot because now I get to kiss with you sometimes. Actually it's almost mean if something is exclusive to me. But I forgive everything"

あ：Humming. contemplative. rubbing wrist.

つ：rubs ankles with

あ："… it's funny. I've definitely thought this is all Yashiro's fault. But in an unflattering way. Like-- I never would be out here thinkin about kissing you if it weren't for her. And now I'm." …………………………… shakes head. "-- wait, but. You know. Before I met her. I did think about sex, but, it was almost… Abstract." …………………. why am I talking about this… is this that gay shit that Tsukasa and Yashiro do all day, like talk together

shrugs internally. "Like, I had to think about it." jerk off motions. "And yet. I didn't ever imagine myself with someone or… mn. Doing, anything, it was actually pretty gross. To. In that way, it'd actually sooner be us doing something." lol.

[rubs mouth with back of hand] "… I've had to think about this lately… because of everything. It's exhausting to think about, though. This is why I'm miserable all the time, by the way."

つ：wowwww the information…. the data!!!! briefly hypnotized by jerkoff motion and thinking about younger amane dah real shotacon in da chat

あ：screams

つ：more shotacon than yashiro

あ：every time tsukasa is made to think about young amane being sexual

つ：HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

あ：wait a minute. this is honestly cute though its like tsukasa is remembering a crush i loveded him

つ：aoaouuuouuuuhhhh that dreamboat 7 year old. cassanova walking me aroun the festival booths ordering me a candy apple. ruff

あ：[jenny voice THESE HUNKS] that hunk…. smelly from hot summer air young amane memories tsukasa has

つ："It looks pretty hard for you to think about." still sortof blank eyed thinking about sexuality feat Amane "I would have liked it any time" very simply said. spacing out "I didn't think about anything like that"

あ：[rolling hips. casually somehow.]

つ："I can now" tap taps shoe on ground hueuuehe

あ：[observing tsukasa like huhm.] "You definitely would have liked it any time."

つ：NOD NOD NOD un. un un.

あ：tashkani…

"And. It would've been laughably easy. To make you do anything." blinks. "If I wanted to just jerk off all day but into your mouth. It could've been that simple." reclines a bit. "I don't think I'd even have to say anything. Oh. If only I had known." [really dry tone.]

つ："aahaaha… ahg." curls in a little like a bug. "I wish," a word that rarely passes Tsukasa's own lips "I had known, too" hands…. pull uselessly at Amane's clothes, still around the stomach area of his gakuran. hh.. its so hard to keep everything Tsukasa knows inside of his own head-- things are constantly falling out, shuffling around. I think fantasies are genuinely hard to… produce? make room for? cobble together? he's got so many real memories to thumb through, past and present… it's so hard to piece together imaginary ones, he doesn't naturally do it at all. He's typically so content to thumb through memories or do more menial entertaining things like popping bubble wrap… he's so preoccupied with what's in front of him or what's happened. Freezes the programming…. to try to envision something that didn't happen. Feels like he's manually cutting pictures out of magazines with scissors and pasting things together out of sorts. Clumsy with the scissors

あ：[observes.]

It's rather entrancing to see… As, Tsukasa is often seemingly unflappable, even when Amane is frustrated, crying, throttling him, he really radiates this [infuriating…] pleasantness, like it all delights him. Just loves it all so much. Any sort of faltering is like, mn…. [Amane experiencing his own -praying mantis stare-] It's so interesting to hear him wish for something, pointedly, this isn't lost on Amane either… So rarely does Tsukasa ever direct want, like this… and yet, ah, it's not unfamiliar also, for Tsukasa to feel 'small' and like he got overwhelmed by something. Endearing.

[sadist lizard brain enjoys seeing struggle. objectively] [condescending comfort gland activates as well] … spurs Amane to reach up and ruffle hair, under the hat, affectionately. cup face, rub thumbs against cheeks.

"… it's a lot to think about, isn't it? Even for you." Piteous tone. tut tut…. smirks. "… you've never thought about it before, either, have you. Haha. I'm ahead of you…" it's me , your psychosexual brother. ❤️ "don't hurt yourself, now."

つ：ah, but Tsukasa isn't filled with struggle like Amane… just laughts, pants, enjoys the feeling of… vision blurring and brain fuzzy, words feeling farther away. "Ah… have you thought… about it? Before? I hav'n' thought, 'boutit" childish-sounding… as if trying to think about the past kindof gets him mixed up

as simple as Tsukasa doesn't know HOw to think about something like this…… ah, it's like he's not…. creative

あ：…………………….. [trying to not be wigged] ahaha. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. yes. lol.

つ：stay cool

あ：I can't freak out right now. ❤️ Or I willf uckign kill you again [pretending to be a normal person] "Ohhhhhhhh. Yeah. Here and there. I have a lot of time. To think about things."

つ："You're amazing Amane!" so earnestly impressed and childish sounding

あ："Uhuh." [moves hands, to, direct tsukasa to start jerking him off.] [like. lets just.] griffin voice Can we please move on

つ：OH RIGHT!!!! here as well it's happening!! its so hard to juggle things!!!!!! grips hand around. But it's…. choppy, as if he's using bandwidth on… thinking… mmnrngnh

mnnnn its like [brain chugging] Amane… [envisions this age, but in his summer uniform] like that… nnn, wait, ah, wait [envisions… ENVISIONS….. ENVISIONS!!!! MMNNGGH… IN… YUKATA!!!!!!!!!]

あ：cute, honestly… like not doing a good job…. lol…

つ：obviously distracted… tsukasa's typical disease would be like. threatening to jerk your cock off your body so its pretty different he's usually pretty hyperfocused on it if anything

あ：It's not frustrating as much as it is like. kind of fascinating

つ：ENVISIONNNN…!!! mmnnn… wnrnnrngnmgg… sick… SICK BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY PEA!!!!!!!!

あ：Hmm like.. Amane keeps hand overlaid, over wrist/hands, to assist

つ：SQUEEZING "can I," brain really trying "can I ?" uouh… "uah.. uhh…."

あ："… 'can you'….?"

つ："can I … " squinting "thhhink? Think about….. can we think about… uahh.. eh…n…." ah, what are… numbers ?? ages ?? how do I… ah brain is so deconstructed. it's flipping through too much… pulling up all the files. "sick… before I made you better…."

"Amane…. " it's so hard. it's like iits just amane it doesn't have another name….

あ：[staring…] Like… jesus

つ：your fucking. pedophile brother. its like the emotion for a second a fucking four year old? hello?

あ：like mn. huh? wait. lool……… Amane who is like thinking about when his cock manifested unto him

つ：don't even talk to me about extremities at age 4 may as well have barely had fingers. let alone

あ：What a moment to space out and be like -- whahuh ………………….. sick..? when i was sick… [thinking about the agonies]

つ：its like tsukasa not… having a regular sexuality does make this amane as applicable to hims brain as any, there's no puberty delineation "your… heart….." places hand over his chest

あ：really chewing on this one. you've made him so contemplative that he can't like be a jerk though i swear like . Can't make fun of you, it's just so strange… like oh tsukasa. ??? what dont i know about you, i thought you didnt think about sex for a long time. it almost feels paradoxical to be that far back, wouldnt you only do that if you were a horny 4yo lol

"… back then." starts gently.

"… quite a while back…. mn…" thinks… "… ah, the days, they were a blur even back then for me." shuffles. "… slept a lot… but also, was tired, all the time."

つ：nods…. nods…. bumps head to chest memories… of Amane's weak little heart beating in his chest… working hard. Pounding for nothing….. his lungs rattling as he wheezed….

あ："… waking up coughing. Couldn't see straight…" is just trying to remember what the body would have been like, factually. have to load in these details.

つ：nuzzles against him… his hand is still around him, but stilled. can't maintain thoughts and actions well

あ：It'ssss… an interesting place to be… Amane doesn't lose awareness of the hand wrapped around him. He's actually trying to marry all these thoughts and then the current sensation. "You know… even eating, hurt so much. You remember." hums… "… you'd have to move slow."

can't help being a LITTLE mean… "… I would be trusting you with a lot… to be careful." "… you could get too excited…"

つ：urrrughh!!! "I'D BE GOOD" "PLEASE!!"! ONEGAI its like hes there

あ：[feels like 20 emotions at once but somehow like feels arrogant at the end of this.] thats right beg…. to touch my cock…. it would be a privilege. "oh……. you'd be good…. you promise."

つ："MHMM!!!"

あ：lol… …………………………………………… it's cute, i guess.

つ："it would be liked? WHhow abouh-- howab, bout Tanabata? Tah-- in-- when we--" little pea going 100mph "then too, also, the-- one where-- the one in-- the one time, the…"

あ：wow look at him go. he's going so fast. Amane who is like still in the sick bed. like damn

つ：urg there were multiple festivals weren't there…. argh…. how do you delineate time?? I look at him my brain says AMANE!!!! it's 'amane' but it's 'specific amane'

あ："You sure you wouldn't be too distracted." "At Tanabata." bully

つ："your-- MOON! YUKATA" like he has 1 hand on a single detail. THAT ONE…… "NOT IF" "not if we were!!! doing something"

あ："I see." sou………. [thinks] "Ah- we did have matching yukata, didn't we, yours had the sun." [kinda sneers but says it anyways] "So sentimental…"

つ：nod nod nod nod nod

あ："Mm, it would be fine then, a lot less to worry about. No coughing. It'd be so easy to sneak off somewhere. We were just running around for hours, by ourselves."

"Honestly I feel like we could do it behind a stall or something. Who'd be looking."

つ："its romantic to kiss at Tanabata" reporting a fact he read somewhere

あ：UHUH?

つ：a magazine in a shop said this to me once and i remember it

あ：like amane's suddenly remember oh yeah stupid. the love holiday. fuck lol

つ：i think tsukasa. does consistently fsr contemplate kissing as a concept

あ：are we gonna FUCK on valentines day next

つ：you gonna remember what i wore on valentine's day.

あ："….. 'romance'….." "Is it romantic to suck cock on Tanabata, do you think."

つ："behind a stall, yeah, yeah…" distracted with the other thought line still… while amane is juggling that "MHM? IT'S A KIND OF KISS" "kiss, but elsewhere" "it's kissing."

あ：[raises brows] penisu kissu.

つ：its like ouhhg has tsukasa been thinking of blowjobs as kisses this whole time…. "it's kissing" again.

あ：maybe tsukasa really is still like 5 years old. andim the monster maybe

つ：might be true.

あ："I guess it is."

つ：sometimes amane has to feel like why can this guy wig me sometimes? am i just reactive…. so hard to remember everything he can freaking. do and say when he is like this.

あ：It's like hm…. maybe I just need to have a more resolute attitude Just focus and not get wigged

"Tsukasa… it's sounding like you just would love to kiss all day or something."

つ：NOD nod nod nod. press head into

あ：ohm…. it just feels so harmless when its like this though, whats the opposite of feeling like you're walking into a landmine. like we're at the kitty pool slow blinks [takes hat off. kisses head. out of pity.]

つ：he has it so bad… it is the same kind of pity one can feel for yashiro, really you dumb animals…..

あ：Like hm… as much as tsukasa talks about everything being fine and he couldn't ask for more. in moments like these it feels so, like, this poor animal. i think he's just too stupid to think about wanting stuff

つ：he just doesn't have the presence of mind now does he….. of course he'd LIKE more if he even thought about it

あ：i guess ignorance is bliss. i wouldnt want him like crying about wanting to kiss at tanabata or something maybe its for the best [resigned.] I guess, it would feel pretty good.

[generously, like throwing a fishbone to an alley cat] "We spent so much time running around the yard, you remember. It'd be pretty easy to sneak off behind the trees." "The property was so big. Lots of bushes, tall grasses…"

つ：THE TREES?!??! briefly visibly conceptualizes the yard and trees, hnnngh visualize

あ："So dense. All the flowers and everything."

つ："So pretty," experiencing it

あ："And who would think to look."

つ："so pretty… smelled nice…. we-- can-- do it by your favorites, the yellow ones?"

あ："… uhuh…" "… ambiance…"

つ：thinking about…. the smells of that Amane…. hot, warm, a fevered-feeling body, and then…. later….. how the heat felt it was leaving him…. like heat couldn't make it through his limbs. arms cold to the touch… sweat cold.

あ："The difference between spring or summer… early summer, late summer…."

つ：nods….. "when you could still go with me, and, then couldn't" "kiss…."

あ：pets back, shoulders. "Could kiss before you run off…" "Actually, I'd be shitty, and jealous of you getting to be outside without me. If we were doing something like this, I think I'd try and trap you with me." i know that bitch…

つ："aaoouuuhhh I don't have to fetch anything if I can use my self" touches lip with free hand. "if your favorite thing was me" this isn't meant to hurt him, but ….

あ：ahm… misery… [clutches fabric of kimono tightly for a moment] "-- hey…." "… c'mon." like. dont be like that.

つ：❔

あ："… it's not like you weren't…"

つ："AH. right!" it's hard…. it's odd, he just lapses back into the mental state… of thinking about 'things Amane likes'…. thinking of little bits n baubles

あ：[HUFFS…] "-- I didn't ask you to constantly bring me things…" "… It was." CMON MAN!!!!!!!! "-- nice of you. To. Like. You know. But you didn't have to."

つ：wide eyed looking at nothing…. thinking….. "It didn't do anything, mhmm"

あ：(it all is just going to sound 'bad'…….)

つ："--AH. FORGOT… WE'RE-- " GRIPS hand around again "sorry, sorry!! Distracting….!"

あ：fjdjgh dgh [WAKES UP]

つ：strokes a few times. ouhhh i forgot!!! still THINKING though…. it was smaller back then, wasn't it…!! it was smaller….

あ：Oh my god the experience. It's such an unintended rollercoaster. like fksdghdfj g h…. k …

つ："do you think it tasted different? Probably. You don't smell like you used to." rambling, looking at it

あ：[barking] "--TSUkasa." god do you make me so Ooh.

つ："when you were sick, your mouth smelled like medicine all day" "i smelled it a lot cuz you breathed hard next to me"

stroke… stroke stroke…. staring down at it, thinking "that stuff mom would put in your water… that powdery stuff. leafs? that stuff"

あ：[just trying to like roll with this all, focus on… in and out…] [closes eyes] "-- ugh, yeah, it was different." [uncontrollably like. baka.]

つ："we ate the same things all the time. it got different when you were sick. I drank it too once to know what it was like. it tasted real bad. Its fun to do all the same things."

mindless….. rambling "I wanted to smell like you were smelling, even though it was bad"

あ："I got sad when. It wasn't the same, all the time." "didn't feel fair and." frustrated, grabs his hands to direct faster. "--we couldn't sleep in the same room, anymore, either."

"I had to be in. pajamas. all day. we couldn't wear the same things all the time anymore." "… so when I got better, it's all I wanted to do." "The matching."

つ："Amane…." looks up at

あ：[winces] [looks away, licking teeth, like a nervous dog.] "What, does it surprise you. I'm. telling you." [shoves into hand…] "-- you were already. Mmh. Favorite." "-- it's. It can't be a surprise right." [rubs mouth, claws at face.]

つ：LAUGHS… "I know…. I know!! I know!!! I-- learned! I learned it… back then!" nnn nuzzles face "You don't… talk much! Hehe…. Like this….."

"its true, then, it's true… if it can happen now, it could happen any time… 'cuz its always true!"

あ："i know, i know, i know I don't…" incidentally parroting him like mgod i know i suck [closes eyes]

つ：he'm doesn't talk much about hims feefees ever❤️

あ：the emotion rn is so. UGhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. suki. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU HAPPY

つ：youuu stupid little idiot…. suki… moron

あ：stupid dummy tupis thg f…. i love yoh. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH is this what you all are crazy about

つ：this is why i cannot interact w you aruond nene its unconscionable she'd be all teary eyed too or something. unbearable

あ：gonna make me barf [come]

つ：2 gd puppies….

あ：I can't be alone with you because I feel like stabbing you and saying I love you…. It's a problem.

つ：we cannot coexist without it all coming back up like hay LEAVES hand from Amane, climbs onto him arms and legs instead, SQUEEZZZEEEEE its not good its misbehaving but i'm need to do'm it❤️

あ：sigh and yet I think it's so… [scrabbles, clutches] [despite the 💢…] ugh im here in the wild ride and its not stopping

つ：I like the thought of Amane just being like ugh….humps while holding like this.

あ：mindless continuation… i do like the energy of it

つ：eventually moves to a desk

あ：it is time to just get incoherent and be repeating names back and forth. haunt these halls i actually love how excessive it could be like entering the wee hours… the lighting in the room changing

つ：all the hours passing…. ah i love the idea, too. especially if like. at the time the school morning bell goes off its like KLFSJ;FKLS;JFSKDL;FJSKFL;FJSDKLF; for both of them

あ：we cant be like poltergeists fuckign in the classroom LFJKDKDK the bell goes off in the middle of the most like mindless activity like they're in the middle of necking

つ：devolving into repeating eachother's names in this position is sweet… reminiscing internally….

yes lolll like you're both in the throes of just relishing it and languidly touching, past the point of talking finally (amane RELIEVED)

and its like HIYEEEP . shit. SHIT but… drags tsukasa to his bathroom… sigh…. it doesn't… feel right to.. just separate to be like ok thats a wrap. go to your dungeon lets go.. hang out in my stall

あ：tsukasa starts holding your hand while you float there and its like. okay. this would be the funniest moment for nene to see them for 1 second but like they dont notice

つ：regression baby

あ：like down the hall

つ：like as they are absconding down the hall, she's in the distance like-- oh hana… ?k.. tsukasa….? d. do they. just hang out when i'm not around. what holding… hands??

あ：

what the h*ck!

つ：time to rush to the bathroom as soon as she's able to do so

あ：this is like the 4koma like. nene is like i NEED to understand and you hear sounds of fucking in that stall obviously

つ：and its like …………………………………………………………………………. i should respect them goes… back to class didn't know it was like that. .

あ：the way she has no perspetive and its like. i guess. this makes sense Hanako-kun jumps my bones sometimes alone so i.

つ：does not write any notes in class. yes. its like. well-- ok. i guess i just incidentally havent,, ran into it before it must simply go both ways … they do have all night…. they dont have to sleep, either

………………….maybe i dont need to pity tsukasa-kun so much in fact…..?? [thinks about if tsukasa just gets railed all night] is that why he's like that… so calm and content do i just get the daylight hours? what if its super fair actually godbless them….

あ：So Hanako-kun is just… idk… coy…. or something

つ：sf funny bc i feel like amane still humping tsukasa in the stall is just fully in his mindbroken state like uhgmgngmhhn i dont care if yashiro shows up actually fuck it ffffuck it all fuck it idc i'll do this until she comes here i'lfkd jsut kkeep doing wahtever I WANT TO DO I'M NOT HIDING THIS I'M NOT I WANT T [yashiro politely opens the general bathroom door, hears the noises behind a stall, leaves] none of these gd kids can hear me anyway FUCK IT1!!!!!

あ：Losing my fucking mind… I'll just be like that's right YOU SEE THIS? this is what I am this is what I feel, it's like THIS.

つ：YASHIRO CAN FIND US LIKE THIS I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WON'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING ITS BEEN GOING ON FOR HOURS BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M NOT DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WASTED TOO MUCH TIME TALKING I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! IG'M GTTA KEEP HIS MOUTH BUSY

あ：Lost too much mana taking psychic damage while being gay and vulnerable and shit Now its just like UGHHH let me come 100 times to get over it

つ：it's all loaded in finally as the anger i am familiar with agaim. got all tender there. hurt. i need to think with my cock again. for hours

あ：AND SAY MY NAME! SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME. SAY MY NAME.

つ：its way too funny. it's so . incriminating. gkfl;gjkldf;kdhjklg;f its like . oh

あ：Exactly one thing could be happening in there

つ：tsukasa wailing AMANE, AMANE AMAAANEEEE AMANEEE AMANE. alternately clearly muffled by cock name its all like. a-ah….

あ：It's like you hear him calling Amane before being cut off by obviously being choked wjdgfd

つ：WHAM SLAM

あ：[hears them down the hall]

つ：k;dfjk;f its too funny. its like good thing akane has those glasses that make him a normal guy

sf funny bc idk when it comes time for like. lunch. amane would like stop. he'd be like ok but for real… yashiro is about to be available soon.

あ：rips you off of me like youre a leech

つ：recovers. does some stretches.

あ：You need to stop being my large boiling flask

つ：tsukasa flopped over a toilet im envisioning the facedown tsukasa in water

あ：Soo decimated

つ：finally wore out your dog

あ：It's like as much vitality as he is capable of, his little pea shouldnt vibrate that much for hours straight It's like a chip heating up in your brain going to cook it

つ：yes. he's simply had every thought too hard for too many hours. rattled excessively

あ：You need to go back to chewing on shoelaces or something

つ：the most energetic kid can't be like riding the same roller coaster for 8 hours

yashiro approaches the hallway… tentatively. asks kou to please not join her today. he's like …………………ok ….. she listens. no… noises

amane is picking his teeth when yashiro shows up up against a wall… like hiiiiii. [lord shen] …………hey. continues walking on in. sees open stall door. looks inside. sees tsukasa flopped unmoving like a corpse

あ：the most like how's class. [shuffling a deck]

whenever hanako is like this

つ："ah… its fine. Is Tsukasa-kun okay."

あ：It's sadly not reassuring for Hanako to be like "Huh. Oh………. yeah, he's fine."

つ：tsukasa lifts his arm shakily to do a peace sign at Nene descends it back down……….. "……….its nice to see you, Tsukasa-kun….. "

hanako-kun's libido…. is kind of scary to think about I-I guess he's… simply a supernatural…… and that's that…..

あ：That's right sweetie……….. In a way maybe Hanako is almost hoping this would be like -- and let that be a lesson to you all You freaks who ask me to just let loose

つ：think. about things. for once.

あ：think it through. I would run you all ragged

つ：all day Tsukasa will simply be like aahhmmm fantasies have opened up to me. i can think about any Amane and doing anything. limitless power

spacing out. unable to have conversations. makes nene feel kind of. scared. like… r-really… even tsukasa-kun can. wind up like. this. what did. they do

"ah, Tsukasa-kun… you seem out of it today. what are you thinking about?" soft pause. "Amane." "ah………………………I see….!"

あ：he has been further lobotomized there's not much left factually, all that is in tsukasa's brain after everything is indeed Amane.

I'm with him in the library under a table I'm with him at a restaurant we went to once . being pulled into the bathroom I can smell the food he ate

つ：takoyaki upon his breath……… candied apple,

あ：tsukasa mental state trapped , in like, i must be good…. ahhjnnmgmm

____________________

🔪FORK 2🔭

💮つ："Amane….." ah… playing with fire. "I wonder……… do you like some things…… being just between us?"

"I'd love to share everything with Nene-chan… she's a good girl. I think she deserves it….."

"….. but maybe it's a little hard to think about giving up?" "you were so resolute…. back then…"

あ：Thinking more.. I enjoyed where the more hesitant and meandering response went, it was fun… a pitiful Amane just feels in-line with how shutdown heems gets when faced with such a thing, I really think the sheer weight of emotions tied to Tsukasa/history leads to this completely arrested response

however…! i think it'd be fun to try and push it more, though, into something more forceful? decisive? but the result would be more chaotic as a result, haphazard, almost incoherent i think. like…boiling over…

つ：i'd be interested in a fork that is triggered in a different way yiss hmmm…

あ：A different heaviness… instead of feeling pinned in place by it oppressively, it's like [pops] … like something exploding in a hydraulic press

つ：ohhh EXCLUSIVE. IT HAS TO BE!!

あ：But I do think a part of Amane feels something along the lines of. UGHH PLEASE JUST LET ME BE INSANE AND SAY THE INSANE THINGS!! THE EVIL THINGS… I'M EVIL!!!!!!!!!!! like.. god… [rips out of him] YES

つ：THE ONE PLACE I CAN BE INSANE AND EVIL

あ：stoked by being reminded of how resolute he was-- like, yes, it's true. I was… it was…. my choice, and I loved making it, it was meant to stay between us. What I did… It was never intended to be about anything but, us. you and me.

Remembering what it felt like to be Amane then… the delirium, the confidence in his choice. I was never going to back out from it. It didn't matter if no one in the entire world understood-!

And, they never could… of course they couldn't… It's so difficult, it's like, Hanako in the present day remembers what it felt like to be Amane and think: I'll never regret it. Any of it… I'm staying here forever

つ：ah its so… mmmm❤️

あ：getting guttural… like… I can't give it up… I won't give it up I don't want to I was never GOING TO!

Hands were at Tsukasa's throat when being asked this… instead of going slack, just tighten… the protective, avoidant response is to hide, but if letting loose, the impulse is almost the opposite you know -- instead of running from being observed, desiring to look right into eyes… Like ohh look at me when I am talking to you like this

つ：you know what you're getting into asking something like that…

あ：It's almost like…… so , you want to hear it. You want me to just say it?

つ：ah would love Amane to be like. sigh. pulls out knife. Okay.

あ：If we are doing this

つ：if we're really going to talk about things she can't be around for.

あ：Mnnn yeah…. that which is forbidden…

Here we are again… though ah, isn't it crazy, by now Amane has become so familiar with this knife, it is his go-to weapon, he's like, proficient and confident wielding it now. it feels so ostentatious, where you are at with it, compared to sweaty shaking 13 year old self of the past adrenaline coursing to have picked up that knife the first time, now it's just a part of you

つ：it really is something he's flippant with. more easygoing with it in his hand than ever. kindof like… rolls eyes…. aouhhh am i gonna do it…. yeah, I am

あ：out here fiddling with it…

つ：an interesting gesture… would be to do a rough, quick cut, but only to cut tsukasa's shirt. just a slit over the heart-area…. not deep. he's good at precision with it, now

he really brandishes it so confidently while just swinging at kou. he knows when he will or won't make a cut with it.

あ：playful even lol like have at thee. knows what he is doing indeed. doesn't even have to think about it

Mm…. to immediately palm at the cut, fingers pressed to… in the past, there couldn't be such indulgence. Something like this… you couldn't stop to admire the handiwork

つ：a mood for. mmm fine. let's make it all exclusive stuff. the theme of this, then. I won't do the thhings we all …….share

for Tsukasa… I think he's just quiet. Happy to have set something off…. watching this response…. and drinking in the meaning of it. The air is different….. this atmosphere doesn't exist anywhere else.

its surprising, that Amane ISN'T shutting down… you could think of it as a dozen more plausible timelines he shuts down, and this one where some other muscle twitches and switches the track to this sort of thing. a risk…. a risky thing was said! but ahhh, it was…. a good decision

あ：mnn yeah I think about it like, high percentage of shut down and bowing out. but the right sequence was hit this time somehow, in some way, loosens something. And, it's just so relieving, almost, to lean into this, for once, the gravel and snow for decades has leant to this result. like ohh but i want it. i do. thats the problem . the problem always is that i want it.

becoming more sure with every gesture. This… is the specialness, the exclusivity. Declaring it out loud, speaking slowly, at length. "It has to be you."

"That's how this works, with us."

Ah, for once, Amane like very willingly putting himself back in the position, of being saddled atop Tsukasa. hand down, palm flat against sternum, heavily

But I like the thought of, like, there's more flourishes to it, things are a bit altered by everything… Capable of languid touches, capable of reaching back and walking hands along, clutch hip, paw at thigh.. interesting new flavors

つ：ah… breath quickened. very enchanted… capable of appreciating, how being with Nene has unspooled Amane a bit further. So tense and so barely on the edge of his indulgence, before….. this familiarity with his own body, ah, Amane never had it….. his weight is so decisive. It's a serene moment to feel grateful that…. he's still here, even if there's alterations… those alterations just apply to that which was true, before… ahhh…❤️ strokes wrist holding the knife….. tentatively reaches up and paws at the slit in his shirt….tilting head affectionately.

あ：Feels gooood to be Tsukasa… And rightfully so.

but, it feels good to be Amane, I think. Just in a terrifying way. I think it's so intense it's like, genuinely hard to keep things straight, reality. Maybe spending so much time focusing on being 'Hanako' has made him a bit vulnerable as 'Amane'. Want the brain to feel so sick and hot you almost feel like your body is alive, internal heat rippling. Soo scary. Even while this far into things, I do think there's a reflexive fear, have hackles instinctively raising to be here. It's like, ahhh danger… We've spent so long avoiding this man… Starting to get twitchy. But, continuing.

[dragging tip of knife down Tsukasa's chest, skirting against stomach slowly] [switch to gripping tightly, making quick slash that traces rib] A longer cut, tearing through kimono and button up. Something to really dart hands through the tears and finger the cut, pressing between the seams of flesh. I wonder if seeing the white fabric of button up mottle and soak red would also be like ssssahhh like the summer uniform… so simply evoked

Fingers getting bloody.. having the impulse to smear it across his own face grasping own neck

つ：the fabric sticking to his body once it's seeping…. !! Nostalgic!! Ah, it's even warm-- tilting head back to gaze out the windows…. it's a warm night, isn't it? everyone's been in their summer uniforms… Amane would be, too.

Ah, Amane is doing so many new things….. I should, too! Reaches forward, to grab the knife….. hand over Amane's on the handle. Brings it to his mouth, to lick it… along the flat of the metal, and over the top ridge. There's not a real heat or flavor… but from nothing but nostalgia, he tastes it at the back of his throat… the memory of how the blood began filling his chest cavity entirely… how it crawled up his neck and poured into his mouth. ahhhh… he can't feel that again. no lungs to puncture and fill with blood… no heart to flood the cavities… but…❤️

thinking though of licking the knife ah, spurring Amane to…. on a pure impulse, just cut through his cheek-- and maybe regret it, actually. stomach turning…. actually extend tsukasa's mouth, tear the side open. then feel, sick. it being a quick, rapid, impulsive move is the triggering part. and tsukasa's response IS to quickly curl inward and grab his face. A-AHHH

the knife is itself a sort of supernatural tool…. like Teru's blade and such, it can interface with things authentically, I think.

some whining and whimpering from Tsukasa, feeling blood collect in his palms, slip through his fingers…. the pain is real. hurts to smile

あ：I like something so dramatic, it's just like-- we're inviting harm, here. 

I think in a normal circumstance Amane would feel something along the lines of UGH I TOLD YOU-- THIS IS WHY-- etc. but there's a different protocol running, we're not being fussy rn-- that wasn't the tenor of the murder. It was intimate. Just rushing forward, overlaying hands on Tsukasa's and cupping his face. Shushing, shhh shhh.... Stroke, pet, rub face against. Repeating, gently, "Tsukasa, Tsukasa, Tsukasa..." shh shhhh... 

"You're good, you're doing good." inhales deeply. Can feel iron tinging his nostrils, like blood is everywhere, in the air. Licks roof of own mouth, swallows. Tinny taste to the air. "You're doing what I need-- you love that, you love to be what I need." 

Hurriedly moving, on impulse, not quite thinking anything through, just seeming rather. Frazzled, crazy. Peeling off gakuran jacket, left in just his white button up, taking off his hat. Taking off Tsukasa's hat. Running fingers through hair. 

"Look at me. Just keep looking, okay?"

つ：hypnotism.... eyes glaze and unglaze, glassy, pupils trying to retain capacity, feeling like Amane is speaking underwater and he wants to come up for air.... ahhhss. so nic.e... Amane is nice... Amane is nice to you. He talks to gentle.... he is so sweet. His petting hands, his kind voice, always leading this foolish idiot around.... need to be lead around. Don't know what to do with himself otherwise. Lead carefully by the song of Amane's voice..... Finally, finds his pupils in the haze. Those eyes... more elegant, than his own. Looking in the mirror never produced Amane... wrong, the eyes all wrong.... that somewhat-darker gaze of his, shadows of his lids, that, softer look.... 

"Ohkg, ghay,Ohkay. Amahhnne. Ahmma  ne....!" claps a wrist loosely-- he's feeling weak-- placebo effect, immersion, or can the knife do that?-- On exhales, feeling air slightly ruffle the opened skin of his cheek, like a curtain on a vague breeze... still streams blood. "I-Li'kghh lookg, loogking, lookkging at you..... I liegke you." combating blood around tongue and the cut preventing a good seal on pronunciation.

あ：Winces, but expression softens, like, ah... The affection Tsukasa could feel, even in a situation like this. It almost felt... no, it was exploitative, to tell him what to do, knowing he would listen; he was malleable and easily worked into a direction. You could just tell him, 'you love this' and because it was coming from Amane, it would be the truth. Tell him, 'you're okay' and he is. A pitiful creature, in that way, always was and has been.

"That's right," Amane breathes out, almost a hum, voice vibrating a bit. Affirming.... "You like me." Pets hair more, brushes hair out of Tsukasa's eyes, rubbing the skin around them, tracing the bone of the eye socket. "Just focus on that. Focus on me." 

Takes a deep breath and tries to collect himself... Rubs the accumulating sweat on his cheeks, brow. The air feels so humid, sticky and wet along the skin. So different from blood, the way it clings, seals over skin, the thicker consistency slowly dripping down. He could feel it drying against his own lip. Staining his hands.... The deep, vivid red, eating away all the white of their clothes. He reaches down and shoves the heel of his palm against the cut across Tsukasa's chest, over his heart. He pulls it away and holds his palm out for Tsukasa to see, an inch away from his face.

"It's pretty," he breathes, a long unspoken thought. It always felt too sick, or too pointless to say, an emotion someone could never feel, or maybe so mundane he might as well be commenting on the color of the sky. But Tsukasa took well to Amane explaining the most basic facts, if he put a certain tone to his words, instructional in nature. "Isn't it pretty? ... and special, to see so much. Like this." Opening, closing palm.

"... nice to see again. It was... so much, last time. All... everywhere, seeping into the-- the flohr." Slurring, swallowing, palms slapping clumsily around the floor around Tsukasa -- dragging against the floorboards, outlining his body.

"Haha." the grain, the tooth of the wooden floorboards... "Hahah..."

natsukashii.... under breaf

つ：watching avidly, as close as he possibly can. Pretty....? What a word....! A word you may use for... a nice kimono's print, or, a girl.... for blood. What a kindness.... this messiness, ah, messiness is pretty, isn't it? Amane looked best smeared and soaked like this, licking his lips. So nice. It's true that whatever Amane says, like this, he'll agree to. There's no consideration of otherwise. If he hadn't thought of something before himself, he was just too stupid to.

Ah.... the floor.... it was so much last time, it felt like laying in a stream which pours thinly between the rocks.... 

A concurring natsukashii.... echoed in a pleasant tone, only frayed a bit by the compromised mouth. 

"Prid-tee..." a large, labored exhale. "AAhhmmaneeee... Iyy, likge whadt's juhs for mmmme...." pawing at his white shirt, watching his fingers leave marks and prints all over it. streaming a finger down, making a line, mindlessly scrawling like a child fingerpainting. His mouth is held agape... it has to be.... a small laugh.... a small whine? He moves to stroke his own cheek--the seal marking it-- with one hand-- and the other clutches his chest, as he faintly moves to-and-fro like a fish swimming in water. Seems..... intoxicated. Curls his palm up against his cheek, then pushes it up to his head, looking... overwhelmed. Painfully, his mouth tightens, and hisses as a result. Palm in his shirt seizes the fabric and shakes it about in his grip. Some strained weird sounds... nnngh, hhnn, mnnnnhnn, nnnnn, and his shoes shuffling around on the floor. So much... too much. Overstimulated. Boiling over.

あ："That's right." It hurts like a confession, despite the sureness of his own reply. Rattling around in the chest, knocking against everything, bruising every organ. "I do." 

The kicking, squirming, is drank in attentively, eyes lidded while combing over the body. Appreciation for the form, the expression of struggle. The sight, the sound, it was pretty. Amane bastes in his own proposal. The sense of purpose granted by this all...  It was happening, that sort of-- bizarre, inappropriate, yet divine sense that he was doing something kind, charitable, necessary. Imbuing Tsukasa with purpose. Even the whines were testament; Tsukasa's voice was suited to pleading, more eager to hit high, keening notes, he didn't struggle or hold back. Unlike himself, which often felt his throat stubbornly sealing, shutting, refusing noise, only letting it pass in the form of a groan, something unpleasant and low.

"What's just for you..." he repeats under his breath... before dropping closer, grasping Tsukasa's face decisively and granting access to the cut on his cheek. Forcing himself to interface with it instead of running away, and submitting to an urge, Amane laps his tongue against it. It isn't graceful, it can't be by the very nature of it, yet it feels as though it goes by in a lovely, smooth way. His fingers keep Tsukasa's mouth pried open by hooking against his teeth. His tongue skims his canines as he does. Pulling away, Amane speaks right against Tsukasa's mouth, hardly moving from being flush against. "I do, like it, I." breath heaves. "I- lllllovvvve it." ... a word that only seems to strum out of him in moments like this, this warped. But it felt the most sincere like this too.

つ：kicking is the first response, pattering along the floor, rapid-fire as he was furiously burying any sort of fleeing response to the invasive attention to his mouth, channeling all energy there. And then more haphazardly, dancing one-foot-after-the-other like piano-keys compressing playfully, a squeezed note escapes his throat. Feels like a canister of air pops in Tsukasa's brain. Childishly, like a kid begging to be pushed on a swing more, Tsukasa chants through all obstruction. "ahg-gah-- Ahg-gem! AM--mmohrre! aAmmah-eh! AGAIh--AGAIIHH-UNN" kick-kick, wiggle, sway, like an eel under a palm. Giggling.

あ：A very palpable shudder goes throughout Amane, buzzing. Feels tazed, prodded  to respond-- holds Tsukasa firmer, by the jaw, before dipping down again. Tongues more decisively, presses pointedly at the edge of the cut, bows the skin there. Presses against it from the outside, against cheek skin, then dips inward, the wet tissue of inner mouth. The difference in the textures noted... His hips shimmy -- he's excited, too, he's. Horny. It stings, between his legs, he's wary of resting his pelvis on Tsukasa unconsciously. But is too enraptured in prying the wound with his own fingers, digging the pad of his finger against it, fluidly transitioning into rubbing gums and tracing teeth. Invasive!! Strange, strange touches.

It's not directed or sensual. Feels more like an examination

Obsessing over textures...

つ：feeling examined is goooooooooooooooood ❤️ he really wants to loook touch aahhhhhh ❤️ kick, kick wiggle kick..... feels so good to bbbeee, under the microscope, Amane's attentive gaze... he can look into the sky and point out the tiniest specks by name. Like this.... pressed under him, touches all so particular... Tsukasa could believe that Amane didn't need the moon and stars. Really. That it wasn't just something he said. There wasn't a sensation of envy for Nene-- but-- for the telescope... there, was, something. This object Amane could fiddle with in his fingers, look into for hours.... tweak, tilt, clean, keep pristine, hold always carefully. Ah... there was maybe some reason to feel it, then. There wasn't any competing with the promise of the entire sky... endless... sprawling.... something that impressive, thats what it took to captivate Amane... stars..... galaxies... where, ah... he thought he wanted to escape to. 

Whining, whimpering. Tsukasa perhaps... has just a few things, difficult to think about. Memories of a sense... of being a burden, dragging Amane down to the Earth, where he'd look away from everything. That blink of time. But luckily... he's only remembering now, as it's disproven, just as it was, then. Amane's watchful gaze... fingers and tongue, navigating him every bit as carefully as the knobs on his telescope.

he never looked this excited.... not in the same way, over any light in the sky. Gave him butterflies..... it was so kind of Amane, to look down at him, when he could always look up. He was meant to look up. 

Mmm... he tears up. "Ah-mahnne, Amanne, Ah, Aha, Ahmane...." muttering around his ministrations. So nice. So nice to be studied. Soooo nice.

あ："Tsuukasa..." gentle, easy reply, it's getting easier to inhabit the moment and let things out freely. The urge to be playful even rises up, "Tsu, tsuuuu... ka-sa." Nearly singsongy for a moment. Ah, feels, embarrassed, but not the right degree maybe, it makes him fluster and laugh, like he's just being childish-- not like he's, bent over the bleeding body of his younger brother. "Have you ever thought about..." rambling tone, reaching around mindlessly for his knife, which he had set down a moment ago-- at first tapping the ground, wrapping fingers around the handle. "... how your name, sounds like the word for 'the moon'... The tsuu sound, it's fun to say. Tsss...uu. But, the ka-sa is softer than ki... It trails off." Speaking lovingly, while tilting Tsukasa's head back, and using his middle and index finger to push open his mouth, widely. Dipping in and holding Tsukasa's tongue, firmly, pulling it out. "It suits you. The softer sounds." 

Clutching his knife, he carefully touches the tip of the blade onto the center of Tsukasa's tongue. The dull curve of it bumps against his front teeth, pushed by the full shape of the knife. Amane lingers and observes the pooling drool sliding down his fingers, spilling past Tsukasa's lips. It's a decisive, controlled cut, down the center to the tip of his tongue. He immediately releases his knife in a clatter, hands flying to clutch either side of Tsukasa's face, shoving his tongue fully into his mouth. Sucks, pulls the blood into his mouth and swallows. 

Antsy hips sink, resting finally against Tsukasa's body. His legs straddle him firmly.

つ：impossible-- IMPOSSIBLE how Amane was!!! Ah!! He could do everything!! The, enrapturing-- comparison-- his name to the MOON!-- so enrapturing, he can't deduce whatever Amane is doing, whatever he's leading up to. Swirling in his head are leetle stars. Aaahhh, so kind....! He's moved this way and that. Tongue drying against his fingers. So nice... so nice. Kind, Amane.. thinking kindly. So smart, thinking so smartly, thinking of so many things.... ! Thinking of things, and me..... 

The cut is sudden, and he's not prepared for it... his body seizes, fingers gnarl, knees raise, stomach tenses, but he's held in place by the head like a horse in a halter. Everything moves and for a second, the flee response has no time to be clamped-- clumsily, dumbly, his palms smack against the floor, splashing flecks of red. First inward, than outward, his spine curves, and Amane follows him every direction, dipping lower and pulling higher, latched. His tongue slides into the cut like soft sashimi, the muscle is weak and limp against all of his activity.

He could do things... just like this. Just like this... combine, things. Conceptualize combining things. This message! A special message! The nicest words, the most interested motions--!! All to say something, and, Tsukasa would listen!! He would listen to every note of it! Like this-- talking like this-- he missed it... so much. Amane could talk like nobody else....  just like this.

あ：A moment to just appreciate the scene... it's like everything really is blending together, past and present... but in a fluid way, like, as if their past selves are inventing kissing, in a strange way. blood pooling in their mouths... tonguing the wound obsessively.. swallowing between each other... Amane hiccups, huffs laughter dryly. It ffffffffffffeeeelslslsss goood....Manic emotions. grabbing Tsukasa by the shoulders and swaying side to side, jostling him along with him, hmm, haaa, rolls them onto their sides. Bites tongue..

it's just like aghh.. i feel good... I FEELLL good ifeel good.. [stupidly] i like feeling good hahahhaaaaa what the fuck... I feel like i could almost forget why it's terrible

Oh to pretend...

What if I just got really good at lying to myself...

つ：tsukasa has this power. just live in the moment for a biit… forgetting everything else. i like the manic atmosphere… with a Tsukasa more like, ah, reactive to the pain-- more flinching and twitching and grasping at shirt, while Amane is very loose and limber and flopped… Tsukasa relaxes intermittently, but Amane throws curve balls whenever he pleases

a real like ahhhh❤️❤️ starts to slack IS BITTEN FKDLSJFKL aAAA ssslacks again mmmm ❤️ kismsmmm..

あ：playing. playful. it's like at their peak mutual craziness it can be like hehehhug..h ahhg…. They are both playful boys

つ：kicky our legs around togever

あ：To be filled with so much whimsy… it's kind of like being reunited for real

Chasing urges as they come-- just getting more excited as they manifest like. ahhh amane flipping, straddling Tsukasa's stomach and facing his legs, hiking past hakama and getting to thighs and making cuts along those, and then mouthing, biting those. it's like mghj… while i'm here… keep having thoughts, new thoughts! excitingly new… i've never had these before

つ：HIYAAAAAAAA!!!! hachi-machi

あ：It's even fun if Tsukasa bucks and twists, it's like… wrestling down an alligator or soemthing lol like REALLY grinds weight down and holds in place [psycho murderer thoughts] thats right… struggle

つ：the legs are a tricky one… they do wanna be kicky expressively. its like eeheheehee

あ：gets knee smashed in face lol

つ：WAUGH. also for a moment: aouh blood on my hakama….. like woh! dirty too… wow its all dirty

あ：getting so dirty

つ：mm a nice scene, blood on his knee and smeared over Tsukasa….. take a moment to stand up and look at it and it is. a horrifying spectacle

really looks like a crime. Don't think they could call this a shinjuu, investigating the scene. if it were one. they'd just call it some sort of homicide.

あ：something funny about amane getting like a nosebleed or something for a second from tsukasa compulsively excitedly kicking like lol those sort of scuffs one gets from a struggling body. lool……….. oh me too laughs crawls to tsukasa's face

つ：being like O.O briefly when contacting hard enough to give him a nosebleed. back of hands to mouth awooop…..

あ：amane in that kind of reprehensible whore body language way he gets. [points to self, eyes squinting] lick [barks] do that freak shit you do [says this guy.]

つ：ahhgmmm awwwooooofof!!!! crawls up. skitters palms around on wet floor trying to upright. hands and knees licking nose blood

a nice reduced tsukasa just eating it on the floor for a second. make amane go 'awe' he is like that.

あ：tilts head while smiling with eyes leering mmmmmmh. my stupid… hey dummy youre just a dummy demon arent you

つ：its cute to think of Amane like… just ambiently hard the whole time, but not in a way even tsukasa particularly notices or keeps in mind, or he acts on…. this is our weird time. I wish we had any intel on how like. healing works for the spooks…. we just. don't know. amane gets so fucked up by teru on the train but is-- fine? when dealing with nene? right after?

あ：in my mind it is true to reality (amane was ambiently hard during the murder) just something happening

i wonder if its a matter of damage being sustained like continuous damage… tsukasa's cheek cut stops bleeding fairly quick in hell of mirors and seems minimal

つ：i like to think tomorrow amane will be like extra patient and chill and serene with nene to a scary degree. exfoliated

あ：lmaoo… seems like zen

つ：-is a better boyfriend than usual-

あ：He's just playful and open seeming

つ：the be a better boy initiative VS be a badder brother initiative

あ：the toukan koukan. of it all If I just unleash my demons i can be goodddd….

I keep thinking, like. its somehow so pleasant to think about hanako being verrry ambiently hard and a litlte bit like drip. drip… but like neither of them is very conscious of it this rly isl ike. my ideal pervert HC of what occurred during shinjuu. that tsukasa and hanako are just like idk we feel good rn so funny to think about hanako having normal sex later

つ：feeling soooo good no need to draw attention to it.

あ：alive sex with my alive gf

つ：just normal sex.

nene is like hanako-kun is in such a good mood today….. tsukasa is like. quiet ? just seems not so rowdy but not sad just like. looking around pleasantly. in hims own head does not interrupt your sex he's just like much to think about.

あ：fingers steepled it's like tsukasa cannot think much about normal sex like this [licking inside of cheek wall] It's just nice to smell cock and pussy in the air [sits amidst it]

つ：that is his whole day. rubs. shirt. rubs hakama.

あ：he's trying very hard to memorize things amane said. doooon't forget.

つ：at any moment just sortof mouthing tsssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu….. ki. Tsuuuu-ki. Tsuuuuuu… kasa. Tsuuuuuuu… ki… Tsuuu…

nene is like ah…. tsukasa-kun is very preoccupied. but he looks ? tranquil… so

あ：it's just interesting to see… make sure to like, sit with him, and chat a littel later. but i do think it's like there is a haze about him. he doesn't have much language. in his head [the kanji for moon and his name floating around]

つ：oh its like. [nene asks him what he's thinking about today] [long, long pause, so long she doesnt know ifshe should repeat herself] tsu-ki. and tsu-kasa. sound a bit similar if you think about it

………………………….. uh huh

あ：…. I suppose so!

つ：blinking like alien amane told me that.

! oh? I see….!

あ：A-aw….. that's… so sweet….!

つ：un.

あ：[knows vaguely amane is. kinda weird? about the moon??? its liek her brain flashes her his PP moon pin and then the lunar rock yorishiro memory] [doesnt. know what to think about this besides: he … lieks it]

he likes the moon i know this well………………… it seems the boys had some sort of… pleasant conversation

and like. well.

つ：hanako threw him a bone it seems…. thats nice…. is that why… HE feels good………? detective in a lazy way i guess they chatted…. good

あ：feeling ah, like he did a good deed or something… well thats ok, as long as they both feel good [somehow nene having some sort of. woke thought]

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Hello lovely, can I please get a channelled message from my future self when I am with my sm?

Xx

We can see what might come up! Although I want to caution that I’m only tapping into a potential time line and your choices can alter this timeline.

Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx Xx

Future self of anon, what do you want your current self to know?

Don’t be so rigid, there are things that you think should be a particular way and that’s not always the case. It’s more that you box yourself in from fear that you will not be accepted, but it’s time for you to leave that behind. Your person, our person :), loves us for who we are and you currently are still afraid of your true power. You need to step into the light.

Looking back on when I was you, I was so worried about so much that was never in my control. I wish I had let us be more carefree, to say yes to life more, to verge off the path we were so comfortable on. Maybe it would’ve made the beginning of our relationship with our person smoother, because it was rocky. It was triggering and scary and showed me how much work I still had to do around healing my good enough wound.

Our person, they inspire us to follow our impulses, they help us heal our hurt, but also they can be annoying! Ugh. So sage all the time. I haven’t cracked the surface quite yet but I will. I know we trigger them too. They also struggle with feeling like they are enough it’s just where that held us back, it allows them to act with reckless abandon and sometimes I wish they were a little more risk-atune. Like play it a little safer. But as we take more risks and they take less, it will balance.

It’s early stages with this soulmate and I’m not quite sure they are the one. There’s so much I like! We can banter and talk for hours, we enjoy spending time together, outside is amazing—swimming, hiking, all sorts of stuff—we both love being active, but I also think they can be clueless at times about how they effect others. It’s not intentional, they just can’t see how sometimes they hurt us when they are quiet or don’t respond. But these are normal challenges when you’re getting to know someone, learning how you are similar and different. (Giddy) I really love them already though. Trying to keep balanced and not rush right in. But it’s hard.

Just keep chugging along, start taking more risks, saying yes to more things. Work on self acceptance! It’s scary here, it’s asking so much for us to open up, but it’s the good scary, the adrenaline that rushes with excitement, I know as we heal together that anxiety will lesson.

I love you, me! Always a head knock away.

Card Pull— Oracle of the Fairies

Anything else you want anon to know future self of anon?

Shine from within— looks are only skin deep, true beauty shines from within, and it’s time for you to shine! This is a time for self acceptance and revealing your true beauty.

Welp if that doesn’t confirm what your future self was saying about you needing to accept yourself and step into the light. Love when that happens! Hope this helps and would love to know how it connects.