#LIKE MY FUCKING GOD I DONT EVEN GET ANY SAY OR CHOICE ON THE PIECE OF SHIT TOWNS UN FORCED TO GO TO

[dragoncarrion]

I DONT WANNA GO TO [redacted city] I DONT WANNA GO TO [redacted city]

[livfastdieyoung69]

Guys im in my mjf era!

Mjf x reader

Mjf being his usual douchebag self but reader being his soft spot yk? And someone using reader against him to get under his skin any of his old feuds would work for this so i dont mind 👀 just LOVE a protective feral man with very little regard for himself when it comes to the people he loves 🤭

HIGH FLYING BIRD

Sting had been your idol for as long as you could remember. For decades, all you ever wanted was to be like Sting. Now here you are- on the same damn roster as him. You worked with him, by his side, every damn week. Your few years in AEW had already given you so much more experience and advice than you could’ve hoped for, especially from Steve. The only downfall of working side by side with Sting was having to work with Darby who hated, much like many others, your partner.

Speaking of Darby, he bursted into catering with a scowl on his half-painted face. Sighing into your styrofoam cup of a crisp Dr.Pepper as he plopped down into the seat between you and the beloved man himself, Sting, you turned to face him.

”Yes, Darbs?” Of course, even with his bitching over your choice of a lover, he was still a friend. Sometimes. Darby scoffed and shook his head, crossing his arms and practically pouting in his seat.

”How in the hell are you with Maxwell? What do you see in him? Or is it, like, what you don’t see? Are you legally blind, Birdy?” It was your turn to scoff- at his remarks and the nickname. It’d caught on after you showed up to AEW and started doing crazy high-flying shit no one even knew was possible on day one.

“We’re not having this conversation again, Darby.”

“Yes we are. Is this a Stockholm syndrome thing? Blink twice if you need help.” Before you’re able to do anything besides point a finger in his face, you’re interrupted.

“Alright guys, let's just calm down here, please.” Steve- Sting- tries to calm the situation. Darby gives you a smug look from getting away with his remarks while you glare at him wholeheartedly.

”Talkin’ about me again, huh?” MJF leans over you, his usual asshole smirk on as his hands slide up your shoulders and lightly grasp at your sore neck, barely massaging it. Sore from saving Darby in your last tag team match with a dive through a table, actually. (And no. He didn’t say thank you. Steve did though.)

”Hey, baby.” You look up at him, glowering face replaced with a gentle smile that makes Darby cringe and grumble under his breath.

“Got somethin’ to say, dead boy?” Max asks from behind you, hands still working your neck as the atmosphere tenses even further. Steve tries to calm everyone again, but it doesn’t seem to be working as Darby stands from his chair, coming basically toe to toe with Max.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do. You’re the worst damn decision they’ve ever made in the almost decade I’ve known them. I don’t even want to know how you’re manipulating them into this, but I’m sick and tired of it.” Darby’s voice keeps growing, filling the silence of the now quiet catering room, everyone watching their argument. Steve stands up, placing a hand on Darbs shoulder to try and pry him back. You might’ve gotten up to stop Max, but honestly, you just didn’t feel like dealing with this anymore. “All you’re going to do is leave them behind when you get whatever you want from them, and we’ll have to pick the pieces back up.”

Once again, Steve's attempt doesn’t work, and Max steps back into Darbys space, now quite literally toe to toe, chest to chest.

“I swear to God, the next time you suggest I would ever even imagine hurting them in anyway whatsoever, I will rip your fucking head off and let Wardlow play with it.” With a sigh, you get up from your chair and try to put a little distance from the two by pushing at Max’s chest but he won’t budge, he won’t even look at you. “Only reason I haven’t done it already is ‘cause of how much they like your little daddy over there. See how that works? If I hurt you, it’d hurt my Bird and I’d rather die than dream that into existence so I try my hardest not to think about hurting you. Let's keep it that way, capisce?”

Before Darby is able to reply, Max finally gives into your pushing and turns to leave catering, you in tow.

“Max,” You softly call for him, trying to keep up. “Max, baby,” You stumble to grab his hand and he finally comes to a stop. “Do you really have to keep threatening my friends? It’s really no wonder they don’t like you.” You teased him with a small smile, grabbing his hands in yours.

“Uh, Kris likes me, thank you very much, toots.”

”That doesn’t count, Kris just gets everything. Everyone else is dumb.” You lean back and forth on the ball of your heels, his hands keeping you stable before he gets sick of it and pulls you forward into his chest. “It’d be really nice if you could just be good for a little bit, please. Just a couple days is all I’m asking for here.”

He rolls his eyes, and gives a huge, fake groan up to the ceiling. He knew it’d make you laugh, he always knew what would. You pull your hands from his grasp and bring them up to his face, bringing him to look back at you.

“Be a good boy for me, hm?” You whispered, thumbs rubbing gently across his face. Judging from the blush covering his cheeks, it seems like you’d finally found a way to tame him.

Mwah ha ha ha this isn’t really what you asked for but kinda sorta they were rivals at one point so ???

The one funky word is the word that basically means do you understand (usually pronounced like capeesh) but I’m Italian and couldn’t bare to spell it wrong anyways he def says that and he also would def call you toots idc it’s canon in my heart

Also have no clue where the whole bird thing came from but it came and the title is the Jefferson Airplane song

Anyways kinda really like this one its cute

[mywitchcultblr]

Saw your posts abt the shadow of the erdtree writing and wanted to say thank you for being open abt your opinions on it because I feel largely the same but everyone I've encountered has an tantrum if you critique the writing. Like lets be honest radahn came out of nowhere & I wouldn't even be that disappointed abt it being him instead of godwyn if there was any build up to it in the base game but there isn't.

Miquella feels like they legitimately didn't know what they wanted to do with his character which is a shame bc hes was probably my favorite demigod before hand.

His motivations are wack as fuck. He wants to make the world a gentler place but his consort is a war monger and simps for godfrey, who, mind you, led a genocidal campaign against the giants on markia's behalf??

I swear even the tarnished would have been a better choice for consort. And why imply he was torrents former master if that wasn't the case? It would make sense, melina literally tells you '' torrent has CHOSEN YOU'' so if miquella needed a consort, why not pick the tarnished who has the ability to kill actual fucking gods and isn't inherently a blood thirsty warrior.

biggest disappointment for me is mesmer, hes so cool and his lore is super interesting but he feels like his presence and relevance is side lined or just diminished. Idk. Felt like he had so much potential only to be forgotten in the wake of radahn somehow being alive and back again.

Sorry for rambling but really thank you, your posts really said what i couldn't articulate before.

Also the fact that Radahn being Miquella's consort doesnt make sense because THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT.

Miquella desired a world of peace, so peaceful there wont be any war or conflict while Radahn is a man of action who relished in bloodshed, he's a relentless warrior who idolized Godfrey.

Him wanted a glorious battle against Malenia before settling down with Miquella, turned Radahn into NOTHING BUT GODFREY'S CLONE. Its one thing for him to idolized the first elden lord, its another thing for him to just become another carbon copy of his idol.

A cheap replica, first elden lord from wish dot com...

This weird arrangement with Miquella is detrimental to not only his Caelid arc (the whole festival thing, letting go, and putting him to rest) but also for Radahn as a person. Also if Radahn became Elden Lord (and marry Marika? Or Ranni? Or Malenia?) his age wouldn't be an age of eternal/total piece that Miquella desired, it has to be a world where warriors could not only survive but also thrive.

A world that Miquella would never approve.

"Oh but its about the symbolism of repeating Godfrey and Marika-" Symbolism for the sake of symbolism that ruined Radahn? Yeah its still shit... And yeah I dont get why Miquella would insist on marrying Radahn, while the STRONGER LORD AKA THE TARNISHED WHO BESTED COUNTLESS ENEMIES IS RIGHT THERE!

True, Mesmer should have been the main big bad, I dont care what anybody said, its such a waste that he was so hyped as this living embodiment of heresy and just ending up as not that relevant in the grand scheme of thing, like this guy has 0 impact on the main title.

I really dont want to see this DLC as canon :(

"Mr. Stark I dont feel so good."

[kit-williams]

Night Out

Female Lead: A necromundian named Smoothie Universe/AU: Warhammer 40k/Yandere Space Marine Canon Status: I dont have any Yandere Custodes so not canon yet?

Note: This one was HARD because I don't exactly have any Yandere Custodes made. I'm still figuring out how to portray the Custodes and how much from Fanon/funny vas (like DreadAnon/My Golden Buddy/TTS) I'm going to be incorporating. (But this is less about how it is and more of what I'm trying to do)

She missed Necromunda that much was obvious as some glammed up tall boy told her she was going to be the cause for some great triumph. Yeah Smoothie heard that one before of some drugged out man getting higher then the spire. That was some really good shit she smoked too!

She crawled up the vent as she was going up and away from the area that made her nose bleed. She lived in a hive long enough to know if something was making you bleed you were most likely already dying but hey a little bit of radiation here and there wasn't going to kill her any faster. Though she was confused as she fulfilled what she needed to do... she had a kid... gross little thing with a grosser man but whatever if the Throne man said her kid was going to become important then she'd do it.

The glam man had asked her a funny question. Why she wasn't so torn up... a kid should be something that brings good memories about a good time. Everything in the lower hives was about survival and well having a kid was no easy choice like those upper hivers getting to have kids like its no one's business. She wasn't torn up because she didn't really care about the guy she had the kid with.

Maybe she shouldn't have answered and just fucked off then she wouldn't have been dragged to Terra. She grinned as she knew he was probably trying to find her, serves him right for putting trackers into her.

Smoothie crawls up the vent before kicking the gilded piece of metal open and breathing in the relatively clean air this high up. "God my tits are freezing." She mutters as she pulls herself up and stretches as she sits down on one of the golden gargoyles and waits for. "There you are big guy took ya long enough to find me."

She feels his massive hand grab the back of her jacket just like he did back in the hive. A man doesn't grab a lady like that for no reason... hell the rations he got for her always tasted better and she'll admit she was getting pampered here with some fancy golden collar. She smacked his hand, "Fuckin sit down feather brain." She says in reference to his plume.

"Smoothie." His voice rumbled with some slight annoyance.

"Just fuckin sit with me and enjoy the night out." She says lighting up some scum lho as she looks out at the golden sea. "Its pretty aint it..."

She feels him wrap her in his purple cloak as she is plucked from the gargoyle and into his lap. "Why did you need to come all the way out here."

"When we were coming in the first time I saw this... first time I saw anything from so high up." She says and her eyes sparkle with the same glow that she held when they were above terra at night when she was arriving. "I'm so use to being under everything seeing all the wires and the ugly underbelly and all the shit they try to hide but this... " She lets the blue green smoke roll out of her mouth. "It's pretty... and not so gaudy like everything else here. Who the fuck even decorated it's so much gawkin gold." She says with a chuckle as his massive arm wraps around her.

"Thank you for giving me a reason to... have a... night out." He says with a sigh as his stuffy demeanor melts a little as he holds her tightly and Smoothie just chuckles.

"Of course big guy I mean least this sewer rat you brought home can do for you." She kisses his faceplate grinning as she leaves a neon green kiss mark on the gold.

Fluffuary Taglist: @bispecsual @the-californicationist @egrets-not-regrets @libraryshadow @bleedingichorhearts @liar-anubiass-blog

[chiyoso]

(vent) you know, my series, the mara's will?

i truly, truly did not expect the positive outcome when i wrote and published it, i didn't plan to make a part two, i didn't plan to make it a series

it was just a fic heavily inspired by the song tot musica by ado

hence, the nordic runes i implemented

yes, absolutely, i adore the support for it i truly do, i'm happy people love it, my idea, my fic, my writing for that piece

but i honestly, genuinely i have no idea where it leads, i have no idea how it'll end, i have no idea what to do with it, i've come to terms that everyone will have different opinions, different views and different expectations on how it'll end

and that scares me. it resurfaces my people pleasing problem immensely.

i'm not not that skilled in writing yet, at least in my perspective

my imaginations heavily contrast to my current skill in writing, i want to express DETAILED fight scenes, but my brain circuits on what words to use for it, because in my mind, the movements are way, way too complex.

the dialogue, the actions, the powers, the usage of weaponry, they're all too complex in my mind, and my vocabulary, my choice of words, my lack of knowledge when it comes to other words, it frustrates me greatly.

more undercut

so i fucking mean when i say this

the writers i have encountered throughout tumblr? fuck. you are all so fucking amazing. i have known some to several of you who continue to write, even in a state of burnout, even in a state of... i dont know, anything that's bothering you, but you still continue to write? FUCK. i dont understand how you do it, but you're so STRONG. you absolutely, absolutely are.

because here i type away, heavily frustrated, plagued with immense, constant burnout, mental exhaustion, writers block, me healing from depression, with multiple projects, drafts, edits to do, pending requests, and i'm just... ugh. — fuck i dont know how you all do it, but you are all so strong. so, so, strong.

i dont want to discontinue the mara's will, but i cant... muster up any ideas for it either.

it was an impulse fic, heavily inspired by a song. a song from one piece.

i purposely left chapter 1 on a cliffhanger, i intended it to be that way because it was fitting to the plot.

and now... with part two out, it- i feel it was rushed, and it was getting too long, too long to the point where tumblr doesn't allow me to edit it anymore, so its stuck that way. rushed, full of mistakes, etc

shit i dont know what to do with it. fuck my people pleasing problem man. so many requests flooded me for a next part, and i did, i delivered. but why do i feel so... dejected? fuck.

i think i'm being too harsh on myself, but that's most likely because of the eerie, sudden silence — in which i'm still continuing to distract myself from (thank god for games and anime)

and if i had a drawing tablet again, things would be so much easier, i wanna draw fanart again, i wanna draw scara, lyney, nnngh i wanna draw hsr men too !!!! im so!!! nnh!!!

gahhh fuck i need lyney, neuvi, scara or geto to hug me tightly

[kaylor]

Is campaign 3 worth watching 😭 im somewhere near ep 45 and there have just been so many arcs that do nothing for me. The stakes feel absurdly high for uhh level .. 6? and i thought it would get good at some point but if they still cant make a plan by ep 80 i dont think i care to waste my time 😭😭

yuhhhh i don't know man. the malleus key and the fallout of it is pretty dope, and idk how many spoilers you've seen so i'll leave it there. but after that it gets very boring again i can't lie.

you're so right about the high stakes!! these characters haven't had any space to breathe or grow since like episode 20 or whenever it was they found out about predathos and the world ending. they've been chasing a plot they're not ready for without doing any of the character work that makes you care about their goal. it's difficult to see why the party is together in the first place because they don't talk to each other or have any reason care about each other (except fearne/orym and imogen/laudna but the latter is so bland it's actually painful).

the party doesn't gel, there's no motivations from anyone beyond orym having a personal stake in it. imogen is so wishywashy about everything. none of them care about the gods except FCG, and no one in the party cares about FCG. except ashton, who is played so passively and unpleasantly that it doesn't even matter. there's no caleb/vax doing his biweekly checkins with each party member to unlock new dialogue. there's no fjord/grog to make a buckwild (yet thematically relevant) decision to direct the party in any direction. there's no driving force behind any of these characters like sorry liam and travis, turns out if you take a backseat to let your friends have the spotlight, they will do sweet fuck all!!

another problem i think is how they're given so many pieces of the puzzle at once, whilst the big bad is already in play. i don't know if that was matt's intention, but it's led to them barely following up on any character driven plot points because, well, the world might end. so any extracurricular character development is nixed in favor of chasing a maxxed out uberbaddy who is almost definitely going to kill them. any cool character moments kind of happen in spite of rather than thanks to the events, and honestly feel a bit forced sometimes because the characters have all been so stagnant for so long, and honestly the most interesting things about the characters are their backstories, which have already happened. their current motivations are a mystery and none of them seem interested in learning more about each other. it just feels very awkward and stale.

PLUS, the stakes are absurdly high but also there are no consequences for anything!! laudna dying didn't feel important because it wasn't permanent! because they can apparently just ask a member of vox machina for a resurrection!!! absolutely bizarre choice from matt to allow that, if i'm being completely honest. like sorry i know that's your wife but marisha should be 40 episodes deep into her backup character by now because there's absolutely no way anyone in VM would agree to resurrecting a delilah briarwood puppet let's be so serious. the party (especially imogen) dealing with a PC death would have made for some really interesting development, and would have created an opportunity for imogen to either take a leadership role to get revenge on otohan, OR break bad and turn on the rest of the party. some delicious pvp. but unfortunately laura doesn't seem to know what to do with her character and therefore does nothing, so it felt extremely flat and meaningless, which kind of sums up c3 tbh. some of the highest stakes but barely a PC who gives a shit.

the past say 10 episodes have been a slog for only a handful of cool moments, so i really hope post episode 82 it picks up a bit. plot is fun and situations are fun but i'm struggling to care about any of these characters because it doesn't seem like any of the cast care about them either. which is a shame because some of them have huge potential, FCG is literally an aeormaton!!!! my god you have GOT to get into it. why is no one getting into it!!!! will someone PLEASE pick up what sam is putting down!!! the payoff is always so good!!!

[rigil-kentauris]

When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers!! here ya go!!

OH NO JUST 5????

lets see

hm. im going to take the definition ACTUALLY LISTEN TO and translate that to listen with a capital L, put that song on and melt into mattress, listening to that song is a Task.

1. Nothing Left To Say/Rocks Imagine Dragons EXCEPT i dont listen to rocks i do not like it. i got this album for free back when google play music was new enough to coax people with free music if you can believe that. anyway this song is too big to listen to while walking. i will listen to it while driving but i think i shouldnt. its very. hm.

its very sad. it reminds me of people ive left behind. and places i cant go back to. situations that are over without a choice or chance of reprieve. sometimes it just be like that.

but as sad as it is i think lots of parts of this song are also hopeful. the chorus is entirely about giving up, but ever verse ends with i keep pushing on. i think the idea that you keep pushing on and on is the kind of hope that makes all the sad worse. the first time i wrote a piece of fluff, coming off of a solid career of angst, the person i was writing with was like, see, now that they are happy, you can make them even sadder! because once, they were happy! and i think this song is a bit reverse of that. things suck, and you keep going. theres nothing left to say about it.

anyway, i think this song says about me that i am depressed but what is new there. my favorite line is all of them. god ive decided to pick lines. so i would say that. despite liking individual lines more, i think my favorite line is when it goes

But I keep pushing On and on and on and on

or when it goes and instead of but. i think it contrast is what makes the song powerful. im tired, and im lost, and everything hurts, and im giving up but im still going. im falling but im pushing on. theres nothing i can do and nothing i can say. im pushing on. what a very modern tragedy. ill stop now before i go in circles.

grumpy side note. i think If you could only save me/I'm drowning in the waters of my soul… could be improved. this whole song has been internally driven until then, and then the song gives the spotlight moment to a desperate wish that someone else could save me/us/you. pah.

also fuck rocks. im sorry if someone reading this is a rocks liker but i am not.

2. Well now that we've got a a bog standard answer I'll put All My Friends by LCD Soundsystems for the umpteenth time. I won't make everyone sit through this ramble again. I think this song also says about me that i am a depressed zillenial.

i genuinely cant pick a single line. if im picking one part then that means im not picking another

in general i think this whole song is. regrets and nostalgia bound together. lives youve lead. mistakes youve made. people who have come apart from you just as it is. losing yourself to the grind but also living. this whole verse is

It comes apart The way it does in bad films Except the part Where the moral kicks in Though when we're running out of the drugs And the conversation's grinding away I wouldn't trade one stupid decision For another five years of life

And its like. life is coming apart. we're coming down of the life of living and being young and being in the moment. theres no moral to this story. just entropy. and despite that. despite all that. i wouldnt give any of it away. everything has lead me here and i- i am not just happy with that. i wouldnt take five more years worth of chances in exchange for the one shot to change what ive been

i think its pretty aspirational

theres another song i like to listen to that has a theme of even the mistakes weren't really mistakes at all. i think. eh. i think these aspirations are useful. i think we can find happiness even if the past is sad.

anyway all of these are my favorite lines. this is another one i listen to in the car even though i shouldnt.

3. DID I SAY STOP BEING MAUDLIN I MEANT START HARDER. Wide Open - Chemical Brothers after about a million hours listening time i am becoming slightly immune to this one though.

tbh the lyrics arent particularity striking to me but the whole combination of everything is just MAGICAL. plus theres like four whole words in the song. but since ive decided to make myself pick lines, im going to go with the chorus Slow me down/It's getting away from me

4. OH OH. OH I WANT TO PUT. Hm. I think this might not count but i've written almost an essay about this one and i listen to it critically so I think it fits the definition of Listen listen to. Truth Despair and Hope, FE8, Saki Haruyama, Yoshihiko Kitamura, Yoshito Hirano. im mentally ill about this song re: how it blends storytelling and music.. i'll tell you how ill i am about this song i dug up my exhiled FE blog (nobody @ me there i wont see it) to find what i wrote about it [long eyes emoji post with timestamps][a shorter post that i DID NOT FINISH ELABORATING ON???? but i think is more insightful and important analysis of the story/song meld]

anyway. its not like. a song on my playlists. its just like the only music ive every done serious analysis on voluntarily and because i once said if this song was a person i'd marry it. also help i managed to avoid putting any of these songs on while writing and now ive failed and i cant turn it off. im worked up about this again. its about teh WEAVING OF THREE DISPARATE TALES EACH ALIKE IN MEANING EXCEPT WHEN VIEWED THROUGH THE LENS OF THE OTHER. WHO IS TRUTH? WHO IS DESPAIR? WHO IS HOPE? WHO IS WORKING THAT SICK ASS BASS LINE? THIS SONG AND ITS TRIO OF PARTS (okay i count four in several parts but yknow) HAUNT ME

this one doesnt have lyrics so i cant have a favorite one. my favorite part i think would be the bass from 0:30-0:45

5. there are better candidates for 5, but i spent a week on internal debating and if i dont pick a 5 im never going to. in the spirit of something more cheerful than the prior, im picking Where the Streets Have No Names which is by U2. so, for reasons i wont get into, i have been flying on planes regularly for most my life. this is my Plane Song. i dont listen to it very often because like. the atmosphere. has to be: you are squished into your window seat. its fucking BAKING hot because the sun in magnified on you. it is also FREEZING because youre on a plane. you are squished like the sardine with a stranger and your leg hurts from playing the cant touch anyone anxiety game. and youre tired from getting up early or staying up late and youre unrelated, slightly dozy because the whole process is a stress and theres the tremendous white noise of the massive engines leaking in through your very worn earbuds. and theres the minute vibrations of your tiny metal tube, and you are looking out the baking hot window and there are clouds and clouds and clouds and SUN. and you are nowhere in the world on your way to somewhere else. and it doenst matter if thats a good somewhere or a bad somewhere. your in the Sky now. and it is beautiful

anyway i havent flown lately as you might imagine. plague and all that.

im going to cheat and pick two lyrics. We're still building then burning down love/Burning down love because i like it and i like how it sounds in the song. i like the sound more than the next lyrics but i like the next lyric better, which is And when I go there/I go there with you/It's all I can do

im very disappointed i couldnt sneak in a complextro song or one of the glitchy ones. but tbh i listen to those because they distract half my brain, allowing me to focus. they arent really for Listening listening to.

--------

okey i know several of yall do NOT like tag games and i cant remember who right now so i will wait on tagging. but if you want to do it please tag me and i will skedaddle over and give some songs a listen!

[d-druxy]

I originally put this in the tags but it got so long that I decided to just put it here instead:

This is such a difficult vote bc to me these games rank very differently depending on the criteria you put them against. I voted DA2 bc its the game I feel most at home at and also the one I think the most about. I didnt expect to love Hawke as much as I did and that really endeared them towards me. Varric is also an all time favorite guy of mine and I just generally deeply care for this little family of misfits and their bonds to each other.

Playing it however.. I had fun and its a servicable game, dont get me wrong, but I didnt love playing it. I do like that we see some actual art direction and exploration in da2 It has its own visual identity which DAO for all it strengths lacks imo.

I don't even mind that we're restricted to kirkwall. I think limiting a game towards an area can definitely be beneficial. But the game feels rushed and it really shows at times (the same three set pieces to battle some thugs in) I do think da2s combat has a very snappy look to it and feels the best to me in this game (at least animation wise). Especially the Rogue looks super fun jumping and teleporting all over the place (im so glad for mods bc the champions rogue armors color pallette is TERRIBLE). But even combat isnt flawless and I think it took a bit of a hit mechanics wise, at least when it comes to the ability trees. (tbf mechanics are never my speciality so thats all im gonna say about it)

As a whole package however?.... It will always be DAO. Im forever in love with the dwarf commoner origin and the rpg elements are heavy in this game, it's so fun. Theres so much to do and at least for this game it really makes you feel like your choices matter. The replayability is great

The differences between the origins are my favorite part and while I couldnt bring myself to try a different one out yet, its just great that the option is there and it allows for the creation of a variety of characters. It's such a solid base to play around with. The combat in this game feels a bit outdated and clunky to me but its straightforward and it works. (I also think it allows you more freedom to explore different builds? but again thats not something I really dabble in).

I will say; I wish that DAO had a stronger art direction in game. Its very much giving the same old classic fantasy and it just doesnt have a strong visual identity to call its own. I also think the graphics can be rough, a lot of the npcs look the same but honestly I can forgive it plus mods are always an option.

This is also the only DA game where I'm not super mad about how the dwarfs look (they have VERY long arms but I can deal. I exclude DA2 from this discussion tho bc we dont get to create/play as a dwarf in that game and I dont recall seeing any female dwarfs either(?)). There still is some sexual dysmorphism (especially in the concept art lmao) but its not nearly as bad as in DAI (< shudders).

Now.. DAI was my first Dragon Age Game. The glitz of it definitely impressed me back then and its still iconic in some regards.

But it didnt make me fall in love with Dragon Age as a whole. That would only happen once I played DAO and actually understood wtf was going on (years later after I tried playing DAI for the first time).

I think DAI is THE Dragon Age game when it comes to art design. It practically overflows with it. (Dear god the tarot cards aloneeee they're so fucking iconic!!). The visual identity of this game is SO strong and the environments are still super beautiful even now! They look distinct and really showcase the different parts of Dragon Ages world. I love the graphics despite the janky animations and even now i still think the way this game renders skin and certain fabrics is super pretty.

but the world feels super empty at times but there arent any real backgrounds for the Inquisitor (I actually missed the little info blurb for the inky you make gets, the first time around) but the rpg elements have been even more reduced but the races sexual dysmorphism in this game is atrocious (I hate the way the female dwarfs look in this fucking game) but some of the story decisions bloat dragon ages setting as a whole but the hairstyles in this game are soooo ugly. almost all of my Inkys have buzzcuts (< I jest but yeah) etc.. So my ranking of these games heavily depends on the part we base the ranking on. I love good art design and interesting visuals. I know a lot of people hate the out there- over the top fashion design in DAI and when I was younger I used to agree. But now?? HOW FUN! HOW INTERESTING!! I love that I can tell the historical fashion influences! I love how different orlais feels from ferelden! I can tell the people who designed those outfits enjoyed themselves!! And for that alone I will always love DAI. (doesnt help that im just unsure what I want my Inquisitor to be personality wise. Both DAO and DA2 give you such solid bases to build upon)

But I dont love it as much as either DA2 or DAO in a lot of other regards.

DAO is the strongest as a whole experience. DA2s cast is so memorable and beloved. My brain loves to chew on Hawke and their story and its fun how much youre able to interpret into it since its by an unreliable narrator. I also think the rival vs friendly mechanic for your companions was and interesting idea DAI is a beautiful game. I love the graphics and its art. The cast is still lovable but playing it feels like such a big undertaking and I will forever hate what they did to the female dwarfs in this game

[mostspecialgirl]

beast tower.

oc rambling under the cut

I ATE THIS SHIT UP !!!!!!!!

ahem. Sorry. I meant. I think i did a good service to iris’s team. or, i guess, Novekhrys’s team, but WE KNOW WHO’S PULLING THE WEIGHT AROUND HERE !!!!!

okay. There’s actually a bit i want to say about cementing these designs.

Gráinne was an easy design to nail. i’ve wanted her to be loosely sparkledog scene adjacent from the get. and that’s what i did. i dunno if i’m satisfied with her color scheme but she canonically dyes her hair something completely different every so often like ramona flowers so it’s cool to just. Have this for now. i’ve been dying to use that pinterest hairstyle i saw a few weeks back and i finally got a nice opportunity to use it. also i gave her a name. she’s gráinne now. because i used to want to call her diarmuid. any fenian cycle fans in the chat

IRIS!!!! she’s the same as last time i drew her properly BUT like Oh My GOD she looks pretty here i was blown away by my own ability. iris is like. one of my first relicverse oc’s to be made in mind with the fact that the Relicverse Is A Thing so she’s always sort of been a benchmark character for me even moreso than demi or any of the sinai have been. i’m glad to have fully assembled a picture of her leg of ninestrike today seeing as i’ve been teetering back and forth on who exactly should lead it, and who’s fitting for her to serve under. novekhrys should have been the obvious choice from the start and i have no idea how i never saw it

like, are you seeing this???

and MY GOD. this is one of those times SETTING 1000 LOOSE THREADS pays the FUCK off because i needed one more admin and OBVIOUSLY it ONLY MAKES SENSE for it to be Kumbhakarna, seeing as Ravana has long been serving under Novekhrys (shoutouts to ravana i dont draw him enough but hes genuinely one of my favorites to write) and the two of them have always gone through cyclical incarnation hell together. i can’t break up the band. AND. Because of course, Ravana’s contract with Novekhrys making him into the Nameless Asura… That means Kumbhakarna must also have entered a similar deal. but i can’t call them both the nameless asura! sure, i can call him the nameless rakshasa instead BUT !!! BUT !!! I HAVE BEEN IN NEED OF CHARACTERS WHO HAVE INHERITED THE ROMAN GOD TITLES POST-DEVILS MANNER !!! and so, of course, he is MORS!!!!! why is that? of course, because of kumbhakarna’s curse… and because of the Somnus Title… what does that mean for Somnus…? Only time shall tell !!!!! Kuahahahahaha !!!!!!

lastly. of course. novekhrys ainzbury. demiurge’s son-in-law. husband of astaphe and father of lucille. I’M EVER SO GLAD TO BE ABLE TO START LOOPING HIM BACK INTO RELEVANT LORE!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING LOVE THIS MAN!!!!! I’VE EVEN REINSTATED HIS STATUS AS A DRAGON!!!!!! FUCK IT!!!!!!! GIVE HIM THE WORLD!!!!!!!!

previously, in novekhrys’s lore, he existed at a time where magic was a very contentious existence for me in relicverse lore. and if i’m really coming down to it, he was technically the first proper magic user. it completely slipped my mind until literally like a few weeks ago that i realized he’s a tower master within the mage society. i often find myself forgetting astaphe exists, much like everyone seems to forget about the much less powerful children of the demiurge. But voila. my problem was solved. who better for iris to work under?and obviously, who better to be the much needed FREAK of the unraveling division than the FREAK tower master of the beast tower, the very man who fucked demiurge’s only daughter and had a child with her.

letting the pieces slide together was the most satisfying shit in the world. This is why i write. I live for these moments where all my loose threads come together. Good lord. Good fucking lord. And good god man does him being the beast tower master ever serve as such a great rational support to ravana’s existence. I KNOW my ass was not thinking about that at all back then. But like. Fuck yeah dude.

i tried to base his design off of demonic sect leaders in those cultivation novels combined with his draconic origins and it all worked together nicely. he looks better than ever! or maybehe just has long hair. I love long haired men. And horns. He’s lost a little of his signature “pathetic disheveled shell of a man” but i’ll be sure to draw plenty of that when he ISNT posted up for a beauty shot with his admins.

ALSO. holy HELL has his relationship with hana slotted in PERFECTLY. she’s always received funding from an unnamed tower master, and of fucking COURSE having it be novekhyrs the disciple hunter would only make sense. she’s a rare deviant species. his FAVORITE. and it’s never really made too much sense why hana would ever take any particular interest in expanding her leg of ninestrike and joining the union BUT IT ONLY MAKES SENSE IF IT WAS NOVEKHRYS WHO DRAGGED HER INTO IT. bringing in the Small Rewrite that the beast tower was built upon the remains of Hermes’s NinthSpire, and with enough bullshit backstory on the fly lore drawing inspiration between the old lore links between him and Father and BOOM!!!! he’s got his own ninestrike invitation with absolutely zero conflicting changes to established lore!!!! Oh my god and this is why hana takes the name of ninestrike as her own after novekhrys tells her about the history of the science tower

AND i get to write him again. It’s like christmas morning for me. This is nonsense to you all but this is PURE genius at work. This is why you leave everything 85% done because the remaining 15% will come to save your ass in the future. God Bless the Mage Society !!! Long live the Phenomena White Tower !!!

okayi. Have to sleep now. Seriousky. Im insnae

I have to do eight more drawings in this style cor eaxh division now

[taxfraudhousewife]

how far do i go back before i can stop feeling guilty

i know it wasn’t me just my blood

closest i’ll ever get to sweet white guilt

guilt any european might hold so it shouldn’t matter

from sand made soil by way of blood and salt

from soil never mine but i still long like it is

i don’t care — not me

from soil steeped in seasonal flood

from red the poppies grow

i don’t care — not me

if they came for the jews and the slavs and the gays and the muslims

fuck am i supposed to do with that

if they came for the healers and artists

then i have no choice right

i don’t care — not me

if it’s everyone but me might as well shower with them

i got lucky

the right mix of jew and slav and gay and muslim can be nothing at all

the right mix gets to be niece and cousin of everyone else dragged away

why now and not two years ago

is that what happens when you see one palestinian kids brain fall out her fuckin head

maybe it’s actually the worst thing i’ve seen

is that good or bad

every weird fuckin execution makes me think of you

is that what your last waking seconds were

cold and hungry and probably better off dead

i didnt get the humiliation part of genocide until now

it makes me think of you were your last few years spent ashamed

was it cause of how you turned out

do you blame them like i do

you blame them by the masses i know

but by the man do you blame them

had you not been ethnically cleansed would you personally still turn out like that

i hate them hard like it would bring you back

i know you’d hate it but the thought of you fills me with hate for them

you don’t get it cause it’s you but you looked like shit i’m being deadass

you were so skinny and green and it was so fucked up and i just wanted to cry the whole time

you don’t get it i know you don’t care but that was fucked and i still dont understand

i can’t understand and it just fills me with hate for them

all i know or think i do is

they did that shit to you

i wish i knew you before you lost your fuckin marbles

before they stole your fuckin marbles

i know it’s still you just missing several marbles

but it makes me really fuckin sad cause you’re nice

i hated people harassing me to eat i thought you were sabotaging me

i hated the body shaming i thought everyone was lying to sabotage me

maybe it was cause yours sounded less like an accusation

you of all pieces of shit made me eat and i couldn’t make you eat

i know it’s different i know it’s just convergent evolution

still i can’t stomach it

the thing in my head is always

I COULDVE TAKEN CARE OF YOU

then i could’ve been your right hand

isn’t that fuckin dumb as fuck

bold ass assumption for me of all pieces of shit to make

still i could’ve i would’ve

easy for me to say now

is that how lenins and hitlers are born

whatever it is you got me i’ll die for your cause except i won’t cause i’m scared to

sometimes i feel like it wouldn’t feel right to now

never called myself uyghur but an extension of you

not the village not the elders and children just you

really you and husya were the only things holding my heart there

husya is not okay i repeat the husya is not okay

i hoped you might save him as dumbfuck as that sounds

i thought he’s a terrorist and you’re a terrorist so obviously you’re like friends with his boss

hoped too hard you might be friends with his boss

didn’t think to know you’re not iran backed

he used to be normal i did his online russian course in grade nine

in grade ten i saw him for two days and we drank hennessy on the bus

he didn’t talk about it

not a god fuckin damn idea where he is now

like we don’t even know what fuckin country he’s in

would you happen to know

can you see him from all the way up there

is he blowing up malls is he freeing slaves

does he eat well is it hard to get weed wherever he is

you men and your abandoning

if you’re not in cold storage and you care to divinely intervene

and if you feel bad for my grieving you if you might make it up to me

can you watch over him o holy muslim jesus

make him gtfo while he can

[velvetporcelain]

no. you don't understand the definition of aphrodisiac.

No I don’t give a fuck.

Don’t show me the good in life. Please it will scar me. It will taint my psyche. I am but a sheep, coward, maiden. Those things still exist.

What do I do with the things that still exist inside my head? How do I kill memories? Are memories a curse or a blessing? Neither or nature?

I think memories live in the heart. or they are the spark, and what type of fire is up to us. we either rise from the ashes, or we burn the entire fucking house down. we make a stake and the memories become burned into our head.

do you remember the day you rose above? do you remember the first day you said I don't give a fuck?

why does he always think I need help? LOL I dont understand, do it my way or don't help. I cant help that. he told me today. " solve your own fucking problems" hahahaha. I didn't take it personal. you're right, get the fuck out.

i like to act like my life is hard. but it's not. it's life. it's soft.

however---

I'm kinda pissed off actually. in the back ion my mind, I am angry. I can feel it. and little bits of it are coming out, because I have been holding it in. I know exactly what it is. and because I know exactly what it is-- fuck--- again? what will it take to break the curse? what will it take to break that power you have over me? what will it take too cut the cord. do you want the cord cut? do you even fucking love me. you piece of shit. I swear to god, you fucking broke me, you took me apart, analyzing me with all the right words, already knowing my response and you loved seeing you work yourself through my body. you fucking coward. Id really like to put my fucking knee in your dick. I want to slap you so hard that my nails leave marks across your face, for days, and every time you look in the mirror you will forever be reminded of me because of it. I want to fucking haunt you. I want you to never sleep. I want you to keep dreaming of me while you are wide awake. I want you to suffer from my memory. I want it to teach you about yourself. I want it to make you think fucking deep, deeper than you thought even fucking possible, it makes you feel insane it's so fucking deep. abyss. abyss. abyss. I want you in the fetal positions just floating in nothingness with all the ugly and odd fish. every time someone says "make a wish" you think of me. I ground myself with the fact that you also will never be able to get rid of my memory, we will never be able to cut this cord universally. you will always compare every other woman to me. I will become a "model woman" inside you head, one that will never be met.

right now? all you need is to still on the phone, in silence with me. you just want to hear my voice and listen to how I breathe. you want me to stimulate your mind like a good loyal puppy dog, you want rewards and you want to be--- pet. You want the thrill of being on your knees in front of a real woman. adrenaline junkie. need small doses daily. need to express yourself with sex. Sex being art, art being creative, less consumption of life, more creation of life. two to tango type vibes.

what an incredibly raw entry.

rare. bleeding. raw.

things are not hard for me, things are soft. I do things that do not require me to always have guard up 24/7. I always in my natural state of softcore woman. I dont like being hardcore, but it doesn't mean I won't do it, I just said I didnt like it. It still happens to me. Where I am soft for too long and then all of the sudden I become hardcore. I can feel the shift, the duality. but now? I feel like they are working together. I stopped trying to figure out what was impulsive, I will never really know. we could label any past choice impulsive. I think being impulsive and spontaneous is the same thing. everything we do is almost always will feel impulsive because we are most definitely living in a world of routine and ritual. and ritual to America is a nice house in the suburbs, marriage, kids and wife- good schools and white crime. so what the fuck are we really doing by diagnosing "impulsive behavior" as a defect? wasn't this country built on impulse? or maybe I doing understand the depth of "mental illness" it sure seems very easy to say that anyone, or everyone is "sick" or "mental ill" because at the end of the day-- what does "ill" look like to you, you have watched enough tru crime documentaries to fucking know, I know how much Americans like serial killers. so fucking tell me-

maybe I am not exposed to enough reality, I'm only exposed to my conspiracies, which is code for imagination. I am only limited to what information is given- right? mental illness to me looks very much like a mental hospital. I immediately think of a mental hospital when I think mentally ill. because the is the way it has been shaped. rare. special. critical. but the fact that it can look like the happiest person in the world is terrifying. are we coming to that realization. is mental health normal yet? are we acting accordingly to our genuine concern.

I hate it when people sarcastically say that I am "enlightened" it's like----- what the fuck does that even mean? does that mean you recognize me as a source of power now? okay, yes, I like this rabbit hole. haha. I mean seriously, is it spiritual jealousy? we are all born free into a world of chains and things. and they all say we aren't free again until we die. so what does that tell you? that earth is either hell or purgatory. wait how the fuck did we get here? --------

am I saying too much? am I just a very good fantasy writer? or am I just shit, am I just another brain on the spectrum of all things? meh. why care? in one hundred years, no one will know me. there will no minds left on earth with my memory. so I'm going to make the best of being alive, I'm going to be me spontaneously, and hope to god that I do not live to see world war three. which makes me think- where was god? where the fuck was god? the devil is not afraid to show his face, he is not afraid to show god how proud he is to own this place, and the only thing past the blue sky is space, ive only witnessed what humans can do, I don't think I have ever witnessed what god could do. I believe humans are the gods. humans are the creator of the devil. humans are creators of god. humans are creator of the Holy Spirit. I believe we do not recognize this power just as we refuse to recognize a compliment. we just cant believe in ourselves enough, and this will be our downfall.

not me, I'm starting to believe. in me. producing my reality easily. attracting. I guess what I needed was to come on here and slang some bullshit out of my head. make room. clear the clutter. feel vulnerable until I don't anymore?

I remain what I am, a muse. for all life.

-x

[lokiified]

rant piece

i made the wrong fucking choice i actually cant believe it, i was so focused on proving my parents wrong that i convinced myself it would never work with you and now im regretting so badly. i focused on the attention he was giving me but really he never did anything for me like you did, we went on three damn dates in a day, you flew across the country to come see me, you let me pick any book at coles as an early birthday present, you tried to give me everything but i wanted my parents to be wrong so badly that i ignored it for him and he was new and cute and he seemed to like me and you literally told me you didnt have feelings for me why did you do that i probably wouldve chosen you if i knew you felt the same way.

i found the pin i got at the museum with you. i found the pictures i took of you in the weird red room with all the lizards in it. ive been thinking about the used book store a lot lately. i was talking to a friend who i thought i had feelings for and we started talking about book stores and i was struck with an inconsolable sadness at the memories of being there with you for hours, trying to find the right books.

i found the videos and pictures from the mock prom, how well you got along with my friends and how you looked in your suit, how excited you were for that night

i remember how angry your mother was when i chose him over you and i thought she was crazy at the time but she was right, i made the stupidest decision of my life when i picked him.

you came to a baseball game with my family and you dont even like baseball for fucks sake, an hour ride 3 hour game and hour ride back who would do that if they didnt have fucking feelings for someone.

i had to spend an hour and a half sitting in a hotel hallway trying to calm down his anxiety about my relationship with you while you tried to give me everything and lied to my face that you had a girlfriend just to try and protect my feelings.

why did you have to go and say you didn't have any feelings for me when i told you that day.

and now youre in your 20s and you have a girlfriend and youre probably gonna get married and im gonna regret it for what feels like forever.

i made the wrong choice and i dont know what to do

i cant tell my parents and i cant tell you because youre probably gonna marry her and you talked to me about her like shes the best person in the whole world so yeah im definitely not, you live on the other side of the country so ill probably never see you again so yeah i blew it.

you made a playlist for me of all kinds of songs you liked and 80% of them were love songs and i thought it was nothing when EVERYTHING you were doing and saying pointed to having some kinds of feelings for me but i dumped it all for him because i was scared of my parents saying they told me so.

and i certainly cant tell him because what the hell is he gonna say, im sorry you decided to waste a year on me while your real love was off making a life for himself?

i dont even know if i love you i just know that i missed out on something good just because i was scared

i convinced myself you were too much like david, that you werent even cute, excuses upon excuses when really i was just scared and i felt like he was the safer choice because there would be so much less people disappointed if it went south

for gods sake he wouldnt even dance with me at prom and now all i can think about is dancing with you at that mock prom that i thought was so stupid, i ruined all my mom's planning and probably shattered all your hopes for the night, i wish id worn my prom dress and let it happen because obviously it was supposed to

[thegeminisage]

still spoilers

ok, so on my way to the last non-gerudo memory i found some sky islands and got my last piece of diving gear!

i also lost a bunch of data from my interactive map bc apparently i keep getting logged out every 6 seconds. so i have to re-enter all of that now :/

a thought occurs to me. in the opening sequence i saw a dragon flying around in the sky. and i was like haha it's naydra i wanna go see naydra

was it. was it. oh my god

the thing about this whole situation is, zelda lived in 100 years of fucking purgatory trapped inside hyrule castle. and every single day she lived with regret. "i've left them all to die." and 100 years is an impossibly long time, but the human mind, with a human lifespan, can ALMOST comprehend it

ten. thousand. years.

she had to watch the calamity happen twice. if there is anything left of her inside her dragon mind, she had to watch hyrule fall a second time without being able to prevent any of it. she had to watch link die again. her father. her champions. except she's a big fuckoff dragon and who even knows if she's still "her"

TEN. THOUSAND. YEARS.

that said, her and ganon both being "sealed" that long...really throws a wrench in the current lore of reincarnation. How Does That Work. i wanna believe a piece of her soul broke off and went on to live all those lives so she wasn't just trapped in dragon mode forever but like. i am for sure making that up. nintendo why, just when you made a coherent timeline, did you have to FUCK IT ALL UP AGAIN!!!!!

alright. i'm normal. i think i checked off all my shit. i'm going to get this fucking memory

god this little area looks so FUCKING different. i barely recognize where i am...

ok. bracing myself once again

BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE wow from the trailer!!!!! who'd've guessed it'd be the sister saying it and not sonia

BIG FUCKOFF DOOR? FROM THE TRAILER? TEMPLE OF TIME (fake version)???

ROOM BEHIND THE FORGOTTEN TEMPLE............

secret stones..........................ok that was cool. esp knowing they are voiced by the 4 champions

WHOA it's sasan from the poorly translated letter in a bottle quest! what a cool find. this cave has tides in it so finley left him behind lol

at least his dialogue stopped being so creepy lol

oh this is a REAL bad escort mission. this game isn't supposed to tell you "can't" so why can't i just move the damn boat with ultrahand?!

got my ATTACK UP armor!!! finally

i'm actually putting off trying again re the master sword...i dont know if im Ready. i am still missing one memory.................

but the gerudo highlands are too close to what i don't wanna be doing until i've explored more!

BUT SHE'S WAITING FOR ME

hard choices!!!!!!!!!!

from lookout landing i noticed there was a glow above the fake temple of time...i wonder wtf even

!!! i thought it would be impossible to get up here but there's a construct here! wtf! i needed pretty much no stamina at all, i could've done this in the tutorial...

oh man there's a TEST...i light three fires and return within 12 hours lol

this sounds hard 😭 but what the hell, might as well try once before bed

wh

DO IT WITHOUT LEAVING THE TEMPLE ROOF? theres no way

okay yeah no im coming back tomorrow with a walkthru lol. rip

[dancefloor]

hi regina! i see that you got the ftpanon and i have no idea how that game works 🤣 but i hope you win 😊 how has your week been?

for today’s question(s) you get another hodgepodge! 1) what are four pieces of media (a book, a show, a movie, and an album) that you’d recommend to anyone wanting to get to know you? 2) what three characters do you relate to most? 3) what are two of your favorite snacks? and 4) when you dream, do you dream in first-person (like real life) or third-person (like you’re a character in a movie)? i’m the only one of my friends who dreams in the latter and i’ve found out so many interesting things about how my friends’ brains work so i decided to start asking everyone 😅 i hope you have a good rest of your week and i can’t wait for you to see your gift!

love, 💠🎄

oh i swear to god i dont even know how to play ftpanon. i just fuck around and find out. thank you for the support, if i win i’ll make merch <3

1) oof okay. i’d want to recommend gone girl by gillian flynn for the book but people would think i’m sick in the head so i’d go for the hunger games by suzanne collins, weirdly? it was the first f*ndom i was ever in & it meant so much to me when i was in my pre-teens, and now that i’m older i’m finding more things to love about it that i would’ve never thought of as a kid.

the show i’d recommend would be better call saul. i actively recommend every person i talk to ever to watch this and i need the bitch pack to hop onto the bandwagon because it’s so!!! good!!! it really is!!! it’s also a major inspiration for me to want to start studying film. it’s “only” a prequel to breaking bad but i’d honestly argue it’s better

the movie i’d recommend would be 13 going on 30. this sounds sooo goofy compared to the other choices but imo it’s the best romcom there is, the cinematography is unironically great and it makes some decent points about feminism. for an early 2000s movie starring mark ruffalo.

the album would be punisher by phoebe bridgers or tranquility base hotel & casino by arctic monkeys. i’m not choosing taylor because i don’t feel like any of her albums & my opinions on them say as much about me as punisher and tbhc do? like i love speak now and reputation but the vibe is just different. meanwhile punisher & tbhc have some great production, are conceptually strong & lyrically great. and i’m also just a little pretentious

2) why are you giving me so many hard questions.

3. monica geller

i am also a massive bitch with a superiority complex, an unhealthy sense of perfectionism and a bunch of friends that are really too good for her

2. fleabag

i’m nothing like her on paper or in experience but i feel the same things she feels. i bawled my fucking eyes out at that show like. she Gets it

1. kim wexler

it’s about the need to help people it’s about the fear of being stuck it’s about the fear of mediocrity it’s about needing to be control it’s about trying to be morally just while still respecting who you are. i’m gonna go insane btw

3) an easy one! nachos and maltesers

4) omg i think i dream in first person? but i’m not sure. my dreams are always so weird i don’t pay attention to where i am, i’m just like oh wow i have to call 911 and they’re gaslighting me and my best friend just morphed into my childhood friend without me realizing and why is kendall roy mad at me

thank you for this painfully detailed message, sorry it took so long to answer and i’m so excited to find out who you are. <3 hope you’re well!

[yourmidnightlover]

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

-

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

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[thekingofwinterblog]

It’s all for his sake - Endeavor and the Sunk Cost Fallacy

My hero academia 301 is a pretty interesting chapter, but for me, the most notable piece of it was how Endeavour reacted to the realization that Touya couldnt surpass All Might.

upon realizing that his son might not be able to do it because of inborn physical limitations, he immediatly stopped his training, which frankly was the responsible and adult thing to do. 

This stint of real parenthood did not last long however.

After taking the matter to a doctor, he is flat out told that not only cant Touya achive what endeavor wants, but it is a direct result of his incredibly selfish and irresponsible attempt to play god, by trying to breed the “perfect” hero into being.

It is how you react when you lose however, that shows who you really are, and endeavor illustrates that very, very well.

Upon being told in no uncertain terms that his attempts at Breeding an heir failed magnificently, producing a child that was not capable of resisting his own immense power, but also admonished by his doctor for even attempting it, and adviced not to try again, Endeavor instead doubled down, while focusing on the child he screwed over from the start with his attempt at genetic manipulation.

It was all for him you see. Endeavor doesnt use those words, but that is how he spins it here. it was all for Touya, all for his sake. if i stop now, then Touya was all for nothing, a mistake, im doing this for my son.

if im doing this for my son, then im not responsible for any of this.

his wife however, calls him out on it, as she understands Touya much, much more than endeavor does. or rather, she sees him fully as a human being, instead of as a thing, a weapon, a failed attempt at an heir.

Unlike Endeavor, Rei is able to see the way this all is affecting her son. She is able to see, and understand that Touya has fully accepted what Endeavor wanted him to be. a stronger, and better version of himself. however, unlike Endeavor, she only cares about him as a person.

Endeavour by comparison isnt completely uncaring about Touya. like most abusive parents, he does possess love for his offspring, but it is forever tainted by the fact that however much he might care, or not care about Touya, any familial love he has for his son is tainted by the fact that to Endeavor, he is a failed experiment, a failed heir, not his child. 

He is the golden child that Endeavor was building up as his true and only heir, who he breed, trained, and molded to for that single purpose, and now that he’s reached a point where he cant continue that legacy.

so, its time to abandon him, and start over new, despite literarily having just learned how stupid this plan was, and that it can, in fact, go completely wrong, with a quirk that will fuck over the person he brings into the world.

Of course, Endeavor doesnt use those words to frame it. there is no way to pretend to be a hero, if you phrase it like that after all. Intead, this is the words he uses.

this is a very important series of panels for a great number of reasons, some that can be debated, argued, and we will probably never know the full truth to the questions because this is a series published in 2020′s shonen jump, and there are things that probably wasnt gonna fly with Hori’s editors, if it was the case.

but lets start with what can not be debated. Endeavor’s words here.

“If we want him to give it up, then we have no choice... Touya... Cant surpass him.”

These are very telling words, and however you believe The third and fourth children of the Todoroki family was concieved, there is not denying the meaning of what he’s saying here.

The only way that my son will stop being an idiot and fall into line, is if we have another baby. that is the only Right way to move forward. it is morally right, because if we dont do this, then he’s going to destroy himself.

there are two ways to interpret this scene.

The charitable way is to read it as the fact that he used Rei’s oldest son’s mental state as a justification of guilting his wife to have a third child, to give this attempt at a superpowered breeding project another shot, despite the fact that they now know that this can lead to a child who is essentially born crippled from his own powers, and despite the fact that Rei obviously understands the effect of them continuing this insanity will have on their oldest son.

the uncharitable way to look at it, is that he used this as justification for flat out raping her, and forcing a third, and then later a fourth child on her.

I personally believe the last one, given a number of factors shown in this chapter(the way this page is framed, the fact Rei obviously didnt want a third child, given she predicted exactly how touya would react, the way her eyes would latet turn when she looks at who is presumably touya which really brings to mind how she would later react to her youngest son’s face after her mental breakdown, etc.), but i’ll frankly admitt that withouth a direct quote from Hori, its impossible to know for sure one way or another. 

either way however, this is a very good example of Endeavor both being influenced by, and using Sunk Cost Fallacy to justify bringing another potentially crippled child into the world for his own, selfish goals.

sunk cost Fallacy, is a mental reaction to when you invest more time and resources into a project, that you becomes so emotionally invested into said project that you will continue to invest into it, even if it reaches a point that it becomes clear that the resources you put into it, far, far outweighs the potential gains you can achieve.

because if you give up after having invested years, and years of effort to breed, raise, and train a kid, and then all that effort was absolutely wasted. hence he choose to keep going, despite having learned what a terrible idea this is.

He doesnt care about the fact that his next child might be even more crippled than his firstborn, he doesnt care about his son’s actual wellbeing. he cares about the fact that if he doesnt continue this insanity, then not only will he not achieve his dreams, but everything he did to get to this point was for absolutely nothing.

and endeavor cannot accept that. and so long as he can justify breeding more children into the world, and there being any chance they might inherit both quirks perfectly, he doesnt care about anything else.

and the moment he realised that this kid wasnt gonna cut it either, he did it again. it is not a coincidence, that the age gap between Endeavor’s second, third, and fourth children were all 3-4 years apart. because thats the age where you can usually tell when a quirk will manifest or not, as established earlier in the series.

While she isnt brought up directly by Endeavor as a justification, it is very telling that Endeavor decided on having a third child, only after his second child was old enough that he could tell that that there was no chance she could take the place as his heir instead.

So, he had his third child, and as time passed and it became obvious that he wasn’t gonna be able to fulfill Endeavor’s goals either, he dumped him, and instead breed a fourth child into existence.

and finally, he struck gold. he did it. he produced Shoto.

everything was finally worth it, and now, everything would be absolutely fine. the cost fallacy had reached its end, and it was now all full sails ahead.

except of course it wasnt.

His oldest son, now in middle school, had been raised from birth to believe he would surpass his father, only to be thrown away, and getting to see his father try to replace him, not once, but twice.

frankly, this scene is probably my favorite in the chapter, because it goes to show Endeavor’s mindset. Natsuo made a point that their father completely ignored his older children. and he did... from Natsuo’s perspective. however, having a more thourough picture of things, we can clearly see that this wasnt the case with Touya.

Endeavor genuinly cared for Touya, enough that once he got that child he tried to breed into existence 4 times, he genuinly wanted him to just abandon trying to be a hero. he genuinly thinks of himself as a good dad here, wanting his son to abandon the mission he set out for him before he was born. of course, with context, this heartwarming scene is incredibly sad and insidious, because we understand why Endeavor got so attached to his oldest child. because he WAS the golden child. he was the child Endeavor genuinly cared about, and invested in, and trained personally with great warmth and enthusiasm.

And not only did he abandon him as a failed project the moment he realized he wasnt gonna live up to his ridiculous standards, but he literarily created 2 more kids to try and replace him, just as his oldest son was old enough to understand what exactly his dad was doing. over the course of this chapter, we get to see Touya’s start as a 5-8 year old, his deteriorating mental state over the years, until he finally seemed to reach the breaking point with Shoto’s birth sometime in his middle school years 12-15. 

Endeavor is in this scene, just not capable of understanding why Touya so desperately wants to become a hero, when obviously he isnt physically able to do so. he isnt able to understand that he is 100% to blame for the fact that his son is having a full emotional breakdown after literaly being replaced by his siblings. 

In other words, Endeavor genuinly think’s he’s a good person. a person who has made a few mistakes along the way sure, but a person who was always justified in the end, and now that he’s having to face the fact that as dabi would later say “The past never dies” and has to face the aftermath of his inane attempt to play god for the pettiest of reasons, things simply arent going to work out.

He isnt going to have a happy family, who can now put the awful early years behind them, he put way too much effort, caused too much suffering and sacrificed too many years of his life for this not to work out as he wants.

after all, if he walks away from this project now, and lets Shoto have a normal childhood, and decide for himself, with no pressure from him, wheter or not to become a hero, then the sunk cost fallacy will have reached a negative end. it will all have been for nothing.

and we know he did eventually double down on this mentality, literarily beating into Shoto that he WAS going to become a hero, and there was not but’s or no’s about it.

there was no way that Endeavor was EVER going to let things be for nothing. His treatment of his older children could not be for nothing. His treatment of his wife could not be for nothing. His treatment of Shoto, and the way he beat him black and blue to train him, could not be for nothing.

Because if it all was for nothing, if everything he feels guilty about was for absolutely nothing, then he was in fact, a bad, bad person, who had no justification for anything he ever did.