#LIKE I KNOW ITS NOT THAT DEEP AND ITS BEEN EVERYWHERE LATELY BUT. specifically w spiderverse its bothering me more that feels so PERSONALLL

[sensesdialed]

the amount of rage that the ai spiderverse filter people are using on tiktok induces in me. it's like Primal.

[xgryffinwhore]

september nights

request:  i was wondering if you could write another soft bill smut? i don’t really have a specific plot in mind, we’re just really lacking content on tumblr rn :( in some really precarious place where they don’t want to get caught

warnings: soft smut, like i mean very soft.

word count: 2118

before your lips met bill denbrough’s, love was always, to say the least, a conundrum. lets be real for second, boys wasted your time, and you let them. only the cute ones of course. you are a hopeless romantic, drunk off of molly ringwald and john travolta films. you wanted any relationship you had to be just like the movies.

through your heart breaks, your best friends stood by you, your losers. eddie, richie, bev, stan, ben, and bill. for each tear you shed a punch was thrown to the man who caused it, they were protective over you. bill the most though, he always got so defensive when you were in the mix. all throughout middle & high school, bill has had to deal with every guy who even dares to think about breaking your heart.

“its not fair bill” you wailed into your pillow. he stroked your back and hushed you, his eyes welling with tears. “im never fucking good enough for any guy and its so fucking sad!” your complaints being cut off mid sentence by a choked out cry. “y-y/n. all of y-your boyfriend are i-idiots. anyone w-who would d-d-do this to you isnt w-worth your t-time. anyone w-would be the luckiest in the w-world to have y-you in their life” you picked your head up and looked at him with swollen lips and blood shot eyes “there no one out there for me bill, no one.” 

he bit his lip, fighting back any tears dripping from his eyes “they j-just dont see how p-pretty you are. how g-gentle and caring and s-s-sweet, and h-how your face c-can light up any room. theyre f-fucking idiots, and you d-deserve m-more.” you clearly thought he was being nice, because you could take a MOTHER FUCKING GOD DAMN hint, so you replied “i wish there was someone out there like you, for me, that thinks of me the way you do.” 

he furrowed his brows, tossing his head back and running his fingers furiously through his hair. “d-dammit y/n!” he cursed “cant you s-see what ive b-been trying to say? w-w-what ive been t-trying to say f-for the last f-five years!?!” your expression was bewildered, your brain was going a mile a minute trying to figure out what he meant. his frustration got the best of him, he got up and stormed out the door,  feeling embarrassed and stupid for trying to make you understand how he felt.

he was half way out your front door, fuming for his keys lodged deep into his front pocket; when suddenly:

“bill!”

his head turned at the call of his name, “y-y/n please i d-”

smack.

your lips locked with his, he rain pouring heavily outside. bills lips stilled at the contact, but this lasted briefly, he deepened this kiss by pulling you in to his abdomen by your mid back. your bunched the front of his base ball t shirt with your fists, and he did the same but with your hair.

the rest is basically history.

now six months later, and you couldnt have been happier. bill knew how to treat you, nights out twice a week (you always wanted to pay but bill insisted,) holding your hand to and from classes, he let you borrow have his varsity baseball jacket, which smelt just like him and was a little too big for you. 

when he would drop you off and your classes, he would always grab your hand and transfer a tiny piece of paper into your palm. when you got into class to unfold it, it was always a cute little message about his love for you. 

bill had it bad for you, everyone knew that, and you loved every minute of it. he met every and any standard you had, and exceeded your expectations. 

it was september, still warm enough in derry to wear shorts, so you and your friends thought of a last hurrah for the ending of the summery weather.

“camp out, its nearly perfect” Richie exclaimed. eddie rolled his eyes “like youve ever been near anything perfect toizer, do you even know what perfect means?” richie shoved eddie “yeah eddie i actually have. have you seen amanda’s tits?”

 you tuned out richie and eddies bickering as you’re boyfriend cleared his throat. “you g-gonna go?” he said into your ear, “only if you promise to wear bug spray bill, you know how bad-” he cut you off with a kiss, his mouth forming a small smile at how cute you were. “get a room, honestly” stan poked, pda wasn’t his favorite... “at least i h-have something to k-kiss aye s-stannie”

you arrived at the edge of the forest, parking your car at the last parking ish space. you walked toward the sounds of ben and richie fighting, and came to see that richie really went all out. three tents, sticks for a fire, and more snacks than anyone needed. 

you all spent the remanence of the daylight dancing in the light sky, sharing stories, and eating waaaay too many chips. it was dark now, you all huddled in a circle near the fire; making small talk and trying not to admit you were all very tired.

“ok folks, im off to bed” richie yawned “me stan eddie n’ mike will take the green tent, bev and ben in the red.” richie paused and smirked over at you and bill, you were tangled in his limbs, golfed in his navy blue pull over. “and uh- heh- billy boy and y/n in the yellow tent eh?” you could practically feel bills eye roll, god richie was so immature.

“w-we dont have to s-sleep in the s-s-same tent, i c-can ask ben if he’d s-switch” you look up at bill and reassure him “bill no- its not a big deal, right?” he tucks your hair behind your ear and kisses the side of your temple “c-course not.”

you both went into the tent, bill began to unroll the blankets you both had packed tightly into your bags. You both set up your makeshift bed, bill leaned against a pile of pillows while you hugged his side, your face buried in his neck. his smell was absolutely intoxicating; his skin had remanence of his milk and honey body wash, but it was slightly overpowered by wintergreen, clove, and his bourbon cologne. 

you were like this for around an hour, the orange crank-powered lantern being the only source of light. you switch positions though, you now laid your head on his lap, reading a magazine you stole from the hair salon. he watched your eyes scan every letter, when you read something funny you’d huff to yourself, and when something was intresting you stuck your tongue out from between your teeth. he adored you.

“d-dont stay up t-too late” he stroked your hair off your shoulder “we have t-to have you w-well r-r-rested.” you sat up from beside him, as he adjusted the pillows and took off his pull over, then his pants. he got under the covers and waited for you.

“nice donut boxers” you laughed. “s-shut up” he blushed and regreted not changing them when he had the chance. you turned around took off your shirt, you were shy about how you looked, but it was just bill. it was just bill. you heard his breath hitch, his eagerness radiating off his body onto yours. the air became tense as you unzipped your pants and threw them to the corner. you turned around, bills pupils growing until you were completely facing him.

“yeah i know. mine are boring” you laugh nervously, brushing your hair behind your ear and getting under the covers next to him. he didnt respond, he couldnt take his eyes off of you.you began to sit up again “i can go put back on-” “n-no!” he interrupts, his blush taking up his entire face.

“i j-j-just cant b-believe i g-get to see something s-so special” he gulped “s-so b-b-b-beautiful.”

you grabbed him by his shoulders and kissed him, hard. youve been with boys before, i mean youve dated plenty of people. but no one ever called your body special. hot, yeah. nice, yeah. beautiful, sure. but no one ever thought that it was special. 

bill was a kind boy, the most you two have ever done is get each other off with your hands, always clothed. bill never asked to see more, he felt lucky enough just to make you feel good, and that was enough for him. so when you felt the heat of his hands hovering over your body but not touching it, you new you’d have to call the shots tonight.

“bill,” you laid down “just touch me everywhere, please.” he crawled in between your legs, kneeling so that he could lean over your face “m-my pleasure.”

he traced your collar, leaving small, delicate, kisses to make up for what his fingers left behind as they trailed. he kissed the valley between your breasts, licking slow striped down your skin. he picked up your upper back a little and cocked his head to the side, you nodded and he unclipped your bra. he sat their with his mouth open, taking in the view. you blushed and muttered “hey, keep that mouth to good use.” he dipped down and sucked on your nipples, his mouth felt so good against your skin grazed with goosebumps. he was gingerly with his tongue, it was sexy, it was romantic. he kissed down your stomach, his fingers sweeping down your sides. you could see his member pressing against his boxers, the pressure made him wince every once in a while. his fingers met your panties and he hooked them. again, he looked up for permission, you nodded once again. 

he brought your underwear down your legs and off, looking back to see what he had relieved. he licked his lips, getting ready to please you more than he already did. but you felt bad, bill always gave gave and gave. “its ok, im ready right now.” bill looked up at you in shock, he wasnt expecting you’d want to go all the way. “y/n, y-youre sure?” you lean up and kiss his lips, swiping your tongue against his bottom lip “please.”

he pulled down his boxers eagerly, his member sprung out to hit his stomach. he lined up with you, checking once more that it was ok. then he pushed in, bottoming out. he felt bigger than you thought, of course he was well endowed, but he filled you up so well. you mewled, the pain and pleasure making a delicious feeling that made your toes curl.

he waited, but began slowly moving after a bit. he grunted, feeling you wrapped around him was something he’d never be able to get out of his head he thought to himself. he grunted “f-fuck this feels g-good’ he grunted, his breath becoming heavy and full of lust. with every stroke, you felt yourself get more and more lost in the bliss he made you feel. “youre making me feel so good  bill” you moan, the sound of his name coming out of your mouth driving him absolutely crazy. he speeds up, loving the view of your face contorting in pleasure and your body moving with his. 

he couldnt help but feel admiration to you, your hair formed a halo around your head, and the sweat that coated your skin made you glisten in the orange light. “im t-the luckiest in the world” he husks, holding your cheek. 

you felt the knot in your core coming undone, “bill im close” you strain, trying not to be too loud so you dont wake your friends. he moved your leg up to his shoulder, hitting you from a different, deeper angle. his fingers went to your clit, making you bite your had to stop you from screaming. “you l-look so p-pretty y/n, t-taking me s-so well. making y-you feel so good.” “so good bill” you repeat, drunken off his cock and fingers. 

without warning, you came came, your legs spazzing as you moaned “fuck bill” he followed, his hips stuttering, as he cried out into your shoulder. he pulled out and laid next to you, both of you breathing heavily and coming off your highs. 

“y/n” he looked at you “t-that was really j-just wow- thank y-you.” you kissed him, chaste and sweet “that was great yeah?” “it w-was perfect babe. t-thank you f-for t-that. i love you y-y/n.”

“i love you too bill.”

he sat up, his fingers dancing on your inner thigh.

“y/n?”

“yeah?”

“c-can we p-please do t-that again?”

[liyuesbian]

✧ pygmalion!au [ningguang]

notes: btw idk how commissions from museums work i just made the process up LMAO and this one's kinda angsty? i mean, it is the pygmalion greek myth so iykyk. also, i describe this figurine of ningguang here but w/o the colour... i've linked it in case any1 needs the reference. (btw, this is not set in ancient greece specifically)

only yesterday had you been commissioned by an art gallery in the capital to create a piece for their up-and-coming collection titled desire, love and identity. yet here you are, slaving away to make the perfect image you had in your head come into fruition. your vision is exquisite once sketched on paper—you can't find any faults in it so you take the risk.

as soon as your chisel meets the marble, a feeling so invigorating dominates your body. no further references are necessary as you place your trust entirely on your hands, coarse from the labour. you find such mindless toil addicting and you work day and night, only stopping for a half-baked meal and the odd collapse into bed.

for months, love streams out of the tips of your fingers and through your sculpting tools to arrive at the stone figure. you sincerely hope the intimate emotion has been reached.

when you finish, you wipe the bead of sweat running down your forehead, rest the other palm on your hip and take slow steps backwards all while maintaining eye contact with the statue. a wave of sweet relief hits you and you fall to the floor, uncontrollably sobbing into tired hands that still grip the hammer and chisel.

it's beautiful.

you stagger, struggling to get up with your bruised knees while clumsily wiping the tears off your stained cheeks. setting the instruments aside, you lift your head to admire your handiwork up close. a woman made of stone sits elegantly atop an oriental chair, crossing her smooth, white legs over each other. her left elbow is propped on the arm of the chair while on the other side, a long smoking pipe is balanced between gloved fingers. around her lies an assortment of objects: a vase containing scrolls, a floor lamp, and a charmingly decorated folding screen.

you see, you had already thought it all out. you'd imagined ningguang's preferences for a life of luxury, her affinity for constructing and sprucing up interiors. she would be a master of the trades and a woman who likes to keep an air of mystery around her. and like how you increasingly project her to be more of a person than she ever will be, there is a creeping concern in the corner of your mind that you will lose your rationality just as quickly.

the sculpture's body is clad in a qipao with a slit that reveals alabaster skin below the waist. the dress—embellished with patterns and neat linings—hugs her figure and shows off a lean build. the extensive train and sleeves of the fabric are shaped curvaceously to mirror the flow of a waterfall. and her face. the section you strived so hard to refine. she stares at you with an imperious expression and a hint of a smirk. her gaze, so piercing, makes you avert your eyes in shyness but you find yourself gravitating back to her profile.

you muster up the courage to draw closer to your creation and unconsciously stroke her cheek with your thumb, captivated. if she were an empress, you'd be a common peasant—undeserving of setting your sights on such a goddess. you can feel your soul being sucked into eyes devoid of emotion—of anything, actually. after all, the woman sitting before you is not a person but an inanimate object.

the weeks following the completion of ningguang—which is the name you've picked up the habit of calling her—are spent in said lady's company. every minute of every day, you surround yourself with her presence as if she is your closest friend. you eat with her, tell her your troubles, even going so far as to decorate her with various types of jewellery and bringing her gifts you think she'd like.

"thank you," you whisper. "for always listening to me." in truth, you're always so immersed in your work that you forgot what conversations could feel like. though, you fear your art would never be on par with something so transcendent ever again.

you become curious, wondering what she would be like if the nymph in front of you were not just a figment of your imagination.

you perch yourself on top of ningguang's stone-cold lap and trace the contours of her visage. you inspect each crease on her lips and the minuscule crinkles in her eyes, applauding yourself for the well-crafted details. you don't know what possesses you but you close your eyes and press your lips against hers, hoping that once you open them, a living being would erupt from underneath the marble. but, of course, as soon as the light hits your retinas, ningguang is as unmoving as ever.

realising what you've just done, you drop off of her thighs and laugh anxiously. however, you could've sworn that you had felt warmth in the lips of your beloved muse.

"i've finally gone mad!" you cry aloud.

hell, you say to yourself, is it even possible to fall in love with such an... an artefact? you dismiss your glaringly obvious infatuation.

"nonsense," you mutter under your breath, sensing your heart breaking slightly. how can something so painfully humanlike also not be human at the same time? you must've caused a tremendous atrocity in your past life to have made the gods harbour a grudge against you. of all things, you'd never have guessed that a lifeless piece of art would be the object of your desire.

you can't bear to look at the handcrafted lady any longer and with an anguished face, cover her with a large cotton cloth. the plan was to wait until you could hand the statue over to the curators and try to ignore its existence until then.

for a few days, you act according to the plan, going about your daily routine but eventually, your stoic demeanour crumbles. you lock yourself in your room refusing to eat or believe that your affection would never be returned.

during the hours of sunlight, you weep under your sheets, drowning in self-inflicted sorrow. and at night, you do the same, lamenting over the loss of what could've been your true love. she would've been so perfect in your eyes, your other half, and the only one who could calm this growing turmoil!

the reality pains you. hence, you do the only thing you can do: you pray. you pray to the gods for a miracle, that the light of your life would stride into your room and pull you from the depths of despair... but she never does.

your last day "cohabitating" with the sculpture has arrived and for the first time in—what felt like—an eternity, you open the doors to your workshop. taking a deep breath, you unveil the stationary maiden.

it's still as beautiful as you remember.

you give it a sad smile, wanting to get its departure over and done with. you manoeuvre about the room to prepare the things for the movers who're due to come in a couple of hours. while you go down your little list of errands to be done, you cough and bat away the smoke—wait, the smoke? frantic, you spin around, eyes darting everywhere in search of its origin until they land on the smoking pipe you so intricately moulded for the commissioned piece.

it's strange, you don't recall colouring the statue. and how on earth is smoke coming out of the pipe? suspicious, you approach the motionless entity and almost stumble when you spot its chest rising.

oh lord! — i really must be descending into madness! you clutch your head, clawing at your hair in hysteria.

"stop, please don't hurt yourself." the sound of a low, worried voice penetrates your ears. you shut your eyes tight.

"no, the gods have cursed me! i mustn't listen to your poisonous words!" you exclaim. your state of agitation is alleviated when the woman caresses your tensed arm.

"what has happened to you? i haven't seen you lately either." the tone is more soft and more tender than you had imagined. you release your grip.

"is it really you, ningguang?" your voice cracks at the end, and the woman you sought after witnesses your features twist into an expression of longing and hope.

"yes, my darling. i dare not go anywhere else."

helplessly, you rush to cup her face to check for heat, for the blood traversing under her skin—anything that would prove that your sweetheart is truly alive and breathing. and when you do get the confirmation, you beam, trying to withhold tears born from elation.

you bend down to kiss ningguang, who is still seated on the chair, once, twice, and three times to rid your scepticism. oh, deities! she's real.

"i love you," you declare.

"i know." you watch as the same creases you'd etched on the corners of her eyes spread into a loving half-moon shape and you kiss her again.

you reach a conclusion: you couldn't give away your lover—let alone a live person—to be displayed as part of a museum exhibition so when the workers arrive, you hide your muse away in another room. you apologise profusely and spin a lie, rambling on about how you had nothing to relinquish for the piece you had prepared had been oh-so-viciously stolen by a mob of trespassers!

the movers share with you their sympathies and ask what the work of art looks like and maybe they could sort something out with the authorities. nodding, you recount—so ardently—the details of your divine maiden. you feel heat rush to your face, chuckling when you realise that you'd run your mouth for too long.

in response to this, the two labourers exchange dubious looks as they peer at the static sculpture standing in the middle of the studio—its appearance unmistakably matching your elaborate description.

[silverlightqueen]

Cursed

silverlightqueen’s SKZ Scarefest

wizard!Seungmin x human!reader - crack comedy, y/n’s a bit of a spoilt brat and Seungmin is not down for it lol

Word Count: 3k+

Summary - Seungmin is the best wizard in town. Poisoned by a pixie? Battered by a troll? Bitten by a were? Whatever the magical injury, Seungmin can fix it in the bat of an eyelid. So when y/n is cursed by a witch and needs his help, she expects to leave his lair curseless only a few minutes later. But her plan… doesn’t quite go to plan.

Warnings: y/n is a total judgemental bitch lmao and Seungmin wants to teach her a lesson, brief mention of blood and vomit, I think that’s it but please let me know if I missed else!

a/n: and here is the seventh instalment of my SKZ Scarefest! I really hope you guys enjoy this, and thank you @silverlightprincess​ for being the best (she didn’t proofread this either but she’s about to read it after I post it and check for mistakes which I will go back and edit lmao). please be sure to check out the previous parts and keep an eye out for the next parts too x

taglist: @kodzu-ken​ @cloudsgathering​ @silverlightprincess

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‘Hi, how can I help?’ the receptionist says, looking up from her computer to give me a friendly smile. ‘Hi, I’ve got an appointment with Dr Kim at 1.30,’ I say, and she blinks at me in surprise before looking at her computer, clicking away. ‘Ah, y/n y/l/n, is it? You booked yesterday?’ ‘Yes, that’s me.’ ‘You’re lucky to get an appointment with Dr Kim so late. And during his lunch break, too! Do you know him?’ she asks, and I hesitate before replying, ‘I used to. We… went to school together.’ ‘Oh, that’s nice! Well, take a seat and I’ll let him know you’re here,’ she says cheerily, and I give her a weak smile before turning to take a seat.

The District 9 Doctors’ Surgery is unlike any Doctors’ Surgery I’ve ever seen before; the reception is relatively normal, with its cold lighting, linoleum flooring and hard backed chairs, but the patients are quite… abnormal. A man is sat two seats away from me, his body covered in hair and long sharp claws protruding from his fingers – I hear him telling the fairy beside him, whose wings are wilted and colourless, that he hasn’t been able to fully turn into his wolf form or his human form for weeks. Opposite them, a vampire sits with a bucket in his lap, vomiting blood into it every few moments, and the centaur stood beside his seat with his tail wrapped in a bloody bandage rubs his back soothingly. I think I’m the only human in here.

Normally, I’d have driven out to the Doctors’ Surgery in the next district – everyone knows that The District 9 Doctors’ Surgery caters specifically to magical injuries – but I somehow don’t think my problem can be solved by a human doctor. When I phoned the surgery yesterday, I asked for the next possible appointment. I was told by the receptionist that that wouldn’t be until mid-November, which never would’ve worked. So I did what I swore I wouldn’t do, and asked the receptionist to ask Dr Kim if he had any availability for y/n y/l/n. The receptionist sounded sceptical, but he put me on hold anyway, and came back to tell me that Dr Kim said he could just about fit me in.

‘Miss y/l/n? Dr Kim is ready to see you in Room 13,’ the receptionist calls out, and I rise from my chair, passing the vomiting vampire with a wince. I head down the clinical corridor, white bar lights flickering overhead, and when I reach Room 13, I take a deep breath and raise my hand to the door. I knock once, twice, and then wait to be told to come in. I hear nothing. I roll my eyes, knocking again a few moments later, and then I hear him call out, ‘Come in!’

I turn the handle, tentatively opening the door and slipping into the room. Whilst the reception may have looked like any old Doctors’ Surgery, Room 13 certainly does not. The walls are black and purple, flickering yellow lamps casting an eerie glow and providing the brightness that the room needs due to having no windows. The floor is an ugly brown and red patterned carpet, the kind you find in a decades old manor house, and wooden shelves and chests of drawers are dotted around the room, covered with various suspicious looking bottles and jars. Old tapestries hang on the walls, and mismatched armchairs and beanbags sit around the rickety table in the middle of the room – I suppose it’s more of a kitchen island type thing than a table – which has a crystal ball, magic wands and various mystical objects sitting atop it. The only things in the room that don’t look otherworldly or ancient are the laptop on the table, and the man stood in front of it, typing away.

He doesn’t look up when I walk in, so I just shut the door behind me, throwing myself down onto the comfiest looking armchair, practically sinking into it. I busy myself with filing my freshly done nails – I love my nail lady, but she can somehow never get them all even – whilst I wait for him to be done. ‘I just cleaned the room and you’re getting nail filings everywhere,’ he says after a few minutes, and I roll my eyes at him. ‘Are you sure you cleaned it? It looks a state,’ I say dryly, and he lets out a little laugh as I pull a flask out of my bag. I get up from my seat and hand him the flask, ignoring his raised eyebrow. ‘Wait, is this-’ ‘Iced americano. The way you like it,’ I say, and he grins, taking it from me with badly hidden excitement. ‘Look at you. Sweetening me up,’ he observes amusedly, and I roll my eyes again. ‘I was making it for myself but now I feel a little sick, so you can have it,’ I lie, and he just gives me a suspicious side-eye before sipping from the flask and letting out a blissful sigh.

‘What are you doing here?’ he asks after a few seconds, and I sigh, dragging one of the higher chairs over to the table and sitting on it, not wanting to be a few feet shorter than him in the armchair. ‘I need your help with something,’ I say, and he looks surprised. ‘Wait, you’re actually here to be treated?’ ‘Um… yes. Why else would I be here?’ I ask confusedly, and he hesitates. ‘Thought you might be here to… see me,’ he says quietly, and I feel a little awkward. ‘I… Seungmin, you have to understand w-’ ‘I understand, y/n, I completely understand, and I don’t blame you. It’s just that I’ve… missed you. And I don’t mean I’ve missed our relationship. I’ve missed you in my life. You don’t even show up to family events anymore, and my mum keeps asking why she hasn’t seen you. I don’t have the heart to tell her what happened,’ he murmurs, my heart twisting with guilt. I’m not quite sure what to say, desperately wracking my brains, but there isn’t anything to say, so we’re both silent.

Seungmin and I grew up living in houses opposite each other. Our parents were best friends, so we were best friends. We remained that way through nursery, all of school, and into our adult lives too. I was quite proud of having a wizard best friend who could solve nearly any problem I ever had. He made sure I never failed any tests, hurt myself, got into trouble, and he fixed anything I ever broke, found everything I ever lost, made sure nothing bad ever happened to me. And then we did the worst thing we could’ve done, and we fell in love with each other. Two years later, I had aged two years, and Seungmin had not – wizards are immortal, and so he stopped aging from the age of 18. 22-year-old me was dating 18-year-old Seungmin. It doesn’t seem like much of an issue, but I started thinking about the future. What about when I turned 30, and Seungmin still hadn’t aged a day into adulthood? When we’d had a child together, and he looked more like the kid’s sibling than the father?

‘Anyway… what’s wrong? Why’d you need my help?’ he asks, and I sigh deeply. ‘Basically… I was at the club with Chaeryeong the other night, and we were in the toilets, and I was putting on lipgloss. This girl next to me asked if she could use it, and I was like, ‘um, no’, because who shares lipgloss with a stranger in a club, and she got angry and started saying, ‘you think you’re so gorgeous, and you think you’re better than me,’ and basically went off on one, so I may have retaliated slightly, and turns out she was a witch, so she put a curse on me,’ I explain all in one breath, and Seungmin raises a sceptical eyebrow. ‘You wanna tell me what really happened?’ he asks, and I blink once, twice, before sighing.

‘She asked to borrow my lipgloss and I was kinda drunk and I may have been a bit of a bitch and told her she needed more than just lipgloss to fix her face,’ I admit ashamedly, and Seungmin’s mouth falls open. ‘y/n!’ ‘What? It’s not like I lied! Her makeup was terrible! It was the completely wrong colour for her skin, she hadn’t blended it, her eyelashes weren’t the right shape for her eyes and she hadn’t glued them on properly so they were hanging off, her eyeshadow clashed with her lipstick, it was all terrible! I wasn’t about to let her put my expensive ass lipgloss on top of that god-awful lipstick. So I tried to give her some girl-to-girl advice, but I was drunk so it came out the wrong way!’ I say defensively, Seungmin shaking his head at me in disbelief.

‘Did you tell her all those things? ‘…I may have, yes.’ ‘You’re such a bitch, y/n. Maybe she did her makeup like that on purpose. Maybe no one’s ever taught her how to do makeup. You didn’t need to come for her like that. God,’ he says, voice laced with shock and disappointment, and I feel like a little kid being told off by their teacher. ‘I apologised when she started crying b-’ ‘You made her cry?’ he demands, voice going up a few octaves, and I pout. ‘I didn’t mean to! I apologised, but she was already angry, so she cursed me,’ I say in a small voice, Seungmin’s unimpressed gaze making me feel quite ashamed. Not that I didn’t already! He’s just making me feel worse.

‘What was the curse she put on you?’ he asks, and I let out an angry noise just at the thought of it. ‘That I’ll age to look quadruple how old I actually am,’ I spit, and his eyebrows furrow in confusion. ‘I’ve never heard that before. She probably just said it to scare you.’ ‘That’s what I thought. Until this happened,’ I say, turning my head away and lifting up my hair to reveal the base of my neck. I hear him suck in a breath, knowing he’s seeing the lock of hair at the back of my head, the one that’s now a powdery grey colour, wiry and ratty amongst the perfectly healthy hair that I put so much effort into looking after.

‘My body’s getting achy and I’ve got all these pains everywhere that I didn’t have a couple days ago. So I think the curse is real, Seungmin,’ I say seriously, and he nods, looking thoughtful. ‘So you want me to lift the curse off you?’ he asks, and I nod, giving him my best wide innocent eyes. ‘Can you do it?’ I ask, and he’s silent for a moment before replying, ‘I can. But I won’t.’ My heart drops, my mouth falling open slightly, and I blink at him a few times before I say, ‘what do you mean, you won’t?’ ‘I won’t lift the curse off you. You were rude and bitchy to that girl and not once have you shown me that you feel guilty about it. Instead, you’re sat here defending yourself and complaining about her like a little brat, so I think this should teach you a lesson,’ he says simply, and I stare at him in shock.

‘You’re joking, right? I demand, anger flaring through me at the way his eyes sparkle with mirth. ‘No, I’m being serious, actually. You judged that girl based on how she looked – I’m sure if she was conventionally pretty, with flawless makeup, you’d have lent her your lipgloss without a second thought, and probably becomes best friends with her too. That girl might have been the nicest person you’d ever come across. But you wouldn’t know, because you were mean to her. Now, the shoe will be on the other foot. You’ve coasted through life getting what you want because you’re pretty, and now that you’ll look all wrinkly and saggy, we’ll see how you like being on the receiving end of people’s judgement,’ he says cheerfully, my mouth falling open more and more as he speaks.

‘Seungmin, I’m sorry for being a bitch. I really am, and I do regret it. But surely that slightly bitchy behaviour doesn’t warrant this. Me looking like an ancient pensioner! I’ve learnt my lesson. Please don’t do this,’ I say desperately, starting to actually worry that he might not lift the curse. ‘Hmm, I don’t know if you have learnt your lesson, y/n. It’s not like I can take your word for it, because if I didn’t know you any better, you’d have gotten away with telling me a twisted version of what really happened. You’re a compulsive liar. So, I apologise, but I won’t be lifting the curse,’ he says seriously, but his lips are quirked up at the corners, making me realise he’s actually amused by this situation.

‘Seungmin, this isn’t a joke! You cannot let this happen to me!’ I shriek, panic making my hands shake, and he raises an eyebrow at me. ‘Shouting won’t make me change my mind,’ he says dryly, the two of us staring at each other, very different emotions in our gazes, and he sighs a few moments later. ‘How about this? When you show a true act of selflessness and generosity without any kind of judgement, the curse will break,’ he says, taking my hands into his as he speaks, and when I register his words, I snatch them away angrily. ‘No! I don’t want any stupid conditions or things I have to do! Just take the fucking curse off me, Min!’ I scream, fury making my voice waver, and he just laughs.

‘You took your hands away too late – it’s done now. This will teach you your lesson,’ he grins, and I want to literally throw myself across the table and teach him a lesson instead. ‘Seungie, please,’ I pout, stooping lower than I ever thought I would, and he hesitates for a moment before shaking his head, crossing his arms over his chest. ‘No, y/n. It’s done. Try not to judge someone based on their appearance for once, and you’ll be rewarded for it,’ he says mildly, and I just stare at him in disbelief for a few moments. ‘Are you doing this because I dumped you?’ I ask, unable to believe he simply wants to teach me a lesson, and he bursts out into laughter. ‘Flattering yourself a little there, aren’t you? No, y/n, that’s not why. Stop trying to find reasons to play this down. There are no other factors for this punishment other than your nasty behaviour.’ ‘Punishment? What are you, my dad? You don’t get to punish me!’ ‘I know you better than your dad does, better than anyone else does, and I know you’re better than this. I’m trying to help you.’ ‘You’ve got a funny way of showing it!’ I exclaim, silence falling between us.

‘If that’s all, y/n-’ ‘If that’s all? If that’s all?’ ‘Yes. If that’s all, you can leave. I only have ten minutes left of my lunch break, and then I’ve got another appointment. So you can go,’ he says with a small grin, effectively dismissing me like a parent sends a child to their room, and I let out an angry huff. ‘I can’t believe this. Some shitty doctor you are,’ I say childishly, bitter about this lesson he’s trying to teach me, and he just rolls his eyes amusedly. ‘My thousands of satisfied patients say otherwise. But that’s okay – you can’t please everyone. Especially not judgemental little brats,’ he grins, and I let out a shrill noise of rage, pushing myself up off the seat and grabbing my bag from the armchair.

‘And I’ll take this!’ I exclaim pettily, snatching the half-empty flask from the table, and he just laughs at me, making me feel even more murderous than I already do. ‘You’ll thank me eventually, y/n,’ he says gently, and I let out another angry huff. ‘I doubt it,’ I hiss, stomping towards the door and, just as I think I can’t be any more immature, I kick the shelves nearest me, watching as it wobbles and falls over to the side before stopping mid-air. ‘Really? How childish of you,’ Seungmin says amusedly, one hand outstretched in the direction of the shelves, his magic holding them up, and I let out an angry scream, sounding a lot like Regina George when she was putting herself in the Burn Book to get back at Cady. Is this really what I’ve become? How embarrassing,

‘I’ll see you at Jackson’s for Halloween,’ he calls out behind me as I reach the door. ‘I wouldn’t count on it,’ I hiss venomously, ‘my brittle bones may have already given way by then. God knows if I’ll even be able to walk, thanks to you!’ ‘No, y/n, you only have yourself to blame for this,’ he says, as he shakes his head with a sad smile. ‘Oh, cut out all the philosophical teaching-moment shit,’ I spit, wrenching open the door. As I do so, one of my nails flies off my finger. Not just the fake nail my technician put on this morning. The entire nail.

I hold back a gag, hearing Seungmin stifling laughter behind me, and I look away from it, feeling quite sick. My eyes meet Seungmin’s, and he must take pity on me when he sees how they’re full of angry and helpless tears, and he waves a hand in my direction. When I look down at my hand again, the nail is back in place, good as new. I look back at him in surprise, and he looks a little embarrassed. ‘No more of your nails will fall out. But I’m not fixing anything else for you. Now go, before your stupid pretty face convinces me to lift the curse,’ he says, and I feel a little hope spark in my chest. ‘Seungie, p-’ ‘Nuh-uh. Get outta here. Now.’ ‘But S-‘ ‘y/n, I will call security!’

[nc7dr3am]

IF LILY DATED...

HI this is a long post. the idea for this was inspired by my favorite @delicatejisung who also has an nct dream oc that you MUST follow. also i know the edit sucks. also also i write very light nsfw stuff in this. like mentions but no smut cuz i don’t do that. HOWEVER there are no nsfw mentions w jisung. ik teens do whatever and lily is only a year older than him but 1.) i will not do that because he is still a minor and 2.) they just aren’t like that together. they don’t need it

THIS IS ALL HYPOTHETICAL NONE OF IT IS OFFICIALLY CANON. lmk which ones sound cute cuz even tho it’s not gonna happen .. lilno and chenlil might have stolen my heart

mark:

you can bet they’d be so completely in love with each other

very sweet, very romantic

“baby” “babe”

in front of the camera they’re normal, the same amount of affection as usual, oftentimes less

lily, when mark is talking or being unintentionally attractive: *bites bottom lip, looks up a little, seems like she’s trying not to smile*

he does his rap in mfal to her randomly and it’s cringey and funny but he does it to make her smile because he knows it’s her fav title track

when she sings he smiles so wide because in his opinion. there is no sound more beautiful than her voice

they talk to each other so well. like. they can sit for HOURS just talking and it never gets old to them

writes genuine love letters to her but will cringe and hate himself if he gives them to her until she gets teary and smiles

her basically giving him book reports about the books she reads and he literally falls more in love with her when she’s screaming about the novels because she is so PASSIONATE

her falling asleep in the practice rooms or studio late at night because she INSISTS on staying with him

and when he kisses her he likes to tilt her chin up with his hand of holds both sides of her face

hyuck taking credit for the whole relationship

she has a collage of polaroids of them, of him (including some of the ones from qtah) that are separate from her other photos of friends (she has a lot)

mark has a few polaroids of her that he keeps by his bed and he always smiles when he sees them

HE 10000% WRITES SONGS FOR HER AND SHOWS HER BUT HES REALLY NONCHALANT ABOUT IT

she never calls him oppa (even a bit before they start dating tbh)

when she has to do sexy performances or just acts sexy you will 100% find mark at his most awkward

they will have fun doing ANYTHING they’ll be happy through anything if they’re together

they could go through five watermelons in a day

konglish all the time. and getting excited/thinking something is funny and jumping and screaming

“can i have your netflix password, lils?” “mark you’re literally richer than me and still use all of my accounts”

her getting embarrassed by him and giggling

she will continue her campaign to get mark to play spiderman

lazy days making music, him watching her cook, binge watching american reality shows she likes, and literally just days where theyfe in bed and make out and talk and make out

shopping trips all the time

they love to do activities together. like, they’ll go places and try new things

she’s desperate to visit his home and his family

and they have their ideal life planned. like. if they weren’t idols they’d get an apartment together. they wanna have some pets together. they have trips they’d like to go on together

they grew up together, they’ve loved each other for years, they’ve been pillars of support

but as much as they’ve loved each other they grew to be IN love with each other

but teased by every unit especially 127. wbk.

they’re more.. private than the others. they’re alone together a lot and don’t overdo it in front of the others

SLIGHT nsfw below. no smut but. and then some fluff near the end <3

ummm so like. vanilla for the most part even tho lily is a bit more ✨wild✨

oh um. ass grabs. when they’re alone but. constantly

when they get comfy with each other (read: when mark finds confidence and is comfy) he will always have his hands on her ass

even just resting there

mirror selfies with his hand on her ass

if he can’t touch her ass, it’s always a hand on her thigh

very affection when alone together, moderate when they’re with others

he likes to lay on her stomach and she loves when he lays on her shirtless

so many days where they just lay in bed together, tangled in lily’s blankets, music playing in the background, lazy makeout sessions... need i go on? CUTE SHIT

mark isn’t great at expressing his emotions publicly, and they hold so much of their relationship just between them. they both always know how much they love each other

renjun:

so they’re SOFT

song covers together

she tries to learn mandarin but. she ends up getting frustrated that she can’t get it and renjun kisses it better

he tells her the wrong words in mandarin a lot and it has fucked her over a lot, especially in lives

“oppa, how do you say ‘i bought that shirt for renjun?’”

*in mandarin* “i am in love with renjun”

they’d be a bit more obvious about their feelings, a bit more touchy

when they confess, they’re together right away, no questions asked. they literally need each other

sleepovers every night and they’re generally really cozy

lily reading, renjun drawing, a movie playing on her laptop that they aren’t paying too much attention to

renjun has specific articles of clothing he puts aside in his closet because he KNOWS she’s gonna take those specific ones

he is very into giving her flowers and little gifts

shes asked him to give her mf art lessons LMAO

ended with them covering each other in paint and making a MESS

they’re silly together, they’re the couple who knows how to cook but starts playing with the ingredients and makes a mess

they leave sticky notes for each other everywhere

lily jumping into his arms

constant pecks on the lips. the dreamies are sick of it. so sick of it.

deep talks late at night

lily being funny and having a box of his stuff in her room even though they live in the same place

nomin threatening renjun

but then lily fourth wheeling with them all

somehow they become even more of a savage duo

when they make eye contact while performing they’ll make faces at each other

he turns the koala joke into her pet name

so he calls her koala and she calls him a pain in her ass

SOFT KISSES he always cups one side of her face

he braids her hair a lot or does cute little styles

lots of cafe dates

will KILL any of the others if they wake her up when she’s sleeping

the type of romance that’s sappy but also they can most definitely roast each other

she likes to wrestle him LMAOO

the way they’re basically chenji’s babysitters is SO FUNNY it started to happen a lot right after they got together

they want to adopt a puppy and name him moomin

SLIGHT nsfw below. no smut but. and then some fluff near the end <3

okay so it’s kinda.. more hesitant and sometimes she takes the lead more than he does

their make out sessions are more heated but don’t always lead to something

like the way it’s going youd THINK it’d be something, but then they just decide to watch a movie and go to bed

he really likes her neck and collarbones but can’t do much to her neck because yknow they’re idols

there’s almost no insecurity in their relationship

it’s very relaxed and loving, and everyone around them can see and feel the love

jeno:

a bit unexpected

a ✨whirlwind romance✨

lilno? more like lilmino because jaemin is always there

a part of her was genuinely sad that she broke up nomin and everyone looks at her like she’s crazy

torn between her love for him and letting him go if jaemin confessed

they can be a bit more obvious in front of fans than the others, because for some reason there isn’t much suspicion there

in front of czennies he lowkey flexes and picks her up over his shoulder a lot, has his arm around her a lot, and they wink at each other from across the set

he holds her waist a lot, and he’s super protective

but also the !! softness !!

have literally been walked in on several times of them just peppering each other with kisses and laughing and its literally lowkey a movie romance

working out together

practicing dances together

the type of guy to literally ignore everything she’s saying because her beauty distracted him

she hits him on the arm for that

passionate kisses

there have been too many times where the others walk in the kitchen and lily is sitting on the kitchen counter with her arms around jeno’s neck as they’re just making out

they’re the couple that’s yelled at by the dreamies the most because sometimes they need to chill out

LMAO THEYRE LIKE THE HORMONAL HIGH SCHOOL COUPLE

and like they love each other deeply and fully, it’s not high school in that regard

but they giggle too much and are kinda all over each other sometimes

they use pet names just a BIT too much

the older guys are a bit more protective of her with him than they would be with any of her other options

cuz while they’re softies

they escalate their relationship super quick

and it’s RIGHT for them

but the hyungs are protective

jeno surprisingly isn’t that jealous because if he could actually get lily

he knows neither of them are going anywhere

him constantly telling her how beautiful she is

her encouraging him and telling him he’s so talented and more than he thinks he is

when they ride the tandem bikes (i think that’s what they’re called? the bikes with two people?) it’s just jeno pedaling

OH and when they make eye contact during stages it only enhances their stage presence because they both wanna look sexy for their boo

jeno is rooting for lily solo because he knows she deserves it

super sweet and wholesome and they make each other smile so WIDE

she pops his zits for him LMAO

cuddles for DAYS and jeno’s fav thing is when she falls asleep in his arms

touches his muscles all the time

SLIGHT nsfw below. no smut but. and then some fluff near the end <3

they make out so much OMG

a bit wilder than she would be with others

she loves to run her hand down his abs

when she does that or touches his biceps it lowkey turns him on

jeno is a bit more reserved than the others at times, but with lily he feels utterly HIMSELF

he doesn’t feel like the jeno who is just a hot rapper. he feels more than that with her

they bring the light out in each other

hyuck:

another unexpected pair but a lot more expected than jeno/lily would be

they’re both literal sunshine and they would be such a beautiful couple

lily aka the only human alive to fluster hyuck

and even THAT doesn’t happen very often

hyuck’s lap = lily’s seat

SO touchy and affectionate but not in the way lily/jeno would be

it’s like constant hand holding, hugging, sitting on each other, leaning on each other, stars in there mf EYES

while they still tease each other and mess around

i have a very specific image in mind of them waking up together, hyuck leaning over her, the biggest smiles on their faces, and then kissing each other

and lily’s just like “hi” with the cutest smile, and then he says it back with the same smile

it might surprise you but hyuck POSSESSIVE

will gatekeep her and not let anyone hug her

always calls her his girlfriend in front of the members

he stands behind her with an arm around the middle of her torso a lot and she’s just absentmindedly playing with his fingers

only a tiny, lil bit obvious in front of czennies because they’re both so affectionate?? and before they dated lily would call him the love of her life?? and keep her face close to his?? this is NORMAL for them

but one of the biggest clues is hyuck being physically unable to not stare at her lips sometimes

they read each other’s tarot nearly every day HAHAH

very romantic as well

she sings him “you are my sunshine” all the time, just stroking his face and staring at him with all of the love in the world

like i said, they still tease the fuck outta each other and roast each other and are at each other’s throats but then they can flip INSTANTLY

he kisses her knuckles and traces her face

he games and she’s falling asleep on his lap

127 squad doesn’t like when they’re being forward because haechannie is the maknae

she loves life cuz more hyuck = more taeil

he will move mountains to make her laugh or see her smile

he’s begging sm for a sexy dance break with the two of them

she’s obsessed with how gorgeous his skin is

the type of boyfriend that notices the tiny little things

he’ll do things/get things for her just because he thought of her or remembered something she said

SLIGHT nsfw below. no smut but. and then some fluff near the end <3

another one that’s a bit wilder

theyre not shy LMAO

steamy intense makeouts like

how is he so good? lily is very satisfied

overall they’re such a fun beautiful HAPPY couple

theyre both so loving and wonderful and there is not one single doubt in anyone’s mind that they love each other fully

jaemin:

literally impossible in any universe

chenle:

lily and chenle have always been two sides of the same coin and he had been waiting for so long

the SMILES

the most beautiful happy smiles at each other ALWAYS because how did they get so lucky?

they were each other’s first proper kiss (canonically, as well)

it’s perfect because they’re best friends and always have been

nothing much changes except the affection and little things because they’re both still best friends

jisung being on all of their dates

he always buys her expensive shit and she hates it so much

she puts on lipstick JUST to kiss his cheek

jisung has walked in on them vibing, on them making out, and yeah he’s sick of it and so happy he only saw them kissing

always sleeping in the same room (usually at his place 👀) but theyre a huge mess when they sleep at night and someone ends up hitting the other because chenle moves too much for her liking

they’re still competitive and of course they still have their alliance

because dating or not, they would fight to the death on that rooftop

chenle literally will kiss every inch of her face because he likes hearing her giggles and he can’t believe he finally got his lily

CUDDLING ALL THE TIME and they’ve fallen asleep on the couch in the dorms and when they’re sleeping HARD the others like to see how many things they can balance on their heads

he will HYPE HER UP ALWAYS

but then say summ like “her face is weird tho” after and unless they’re in front of fans he ends up kissing her after she hits him

when she has to be sexy on stage, he is HERE FOR IT even if the stage is with another person because!! YES his girlfriend is hot, he’s LUCKY

she loves going to his house!! mostly because his family but also

they get to have privacy and be a couple

they’ll hold hands on camera cuz they don’t give a single fuck

they’re definitely outed and have to go public

which just makes their competitive streak and constant roasts WORSE

she loves the sound of his laugh but will yell at him if it hurts her ears

threatens to get one of his predebut photos tattooed on her

a big part of them loving each other is annoying each other and being soft behind the scenes

always together

SLIGHT nsfw below. no smut but. and then some fluff near the end <3

the more intimate aspects of the relationship were really weird at first

but they’re very compatible so it was just fun to them

he WILL honk her boob. has done it in front of the others by accident and jaemin forbid her to see him for a few days

they kinda taught each other how to kiss way before they dated so it was funny when they did it as a couple

peak friends-to-lovers and even czennies can’t help but love then

jisung:

god their shyness is kinda annoying

really confident in private- they talk a lot, they’re very good at just chilling

but lily has to be the one to hold his hand because he’ll get nervous even when he’s so comfy in the relationship

i mean not that the dreamies have time to be in a relationship, but jisung was so SCARED to kiss her and have his first kiss

she thought it was funny

clumsy duo and they tease tf outta each other for it

chenle always being around

they can’t tell who the members are more protective over in the relationship

hugs!!! she loves to backhug him and he thinks it’s cute cuz she’s so tiny

they watch harry potter too much

she has almost convinced him to ride a rollercoaster but ended up failing

he makes fun of her height a lot and then she’ll trip him or something

he’s kinda protective and gets insecure that he’s younger than her sometimes but she just kisses his cheek and tells him to stop worrying

tbh they’re the most innocent, wholesome couple

they wanna go out on dates and they do but catch another member tagging along to babysit them

she gets wine drunk next to him and he can’t drink so he just has this drunk woman on his hands and doesn’t know what to do but honestly she just wants him to cuddle her to sleep

his voice is her favorite sound and she wants him to sing more

whenever anyone says something weird about jisung they both hold up the handcuffs cuz

they’re super weird they can be so confident and then one of them gets flustered and will be a shy baby

trading lines in concerts

lily making cute faces at him, staring at him blankly, winking at him, acting cute to him in front of fans

they share one braincell together and probably accidentally outed themselves by using pet names and like. holding hands on live

and then the OH SHIT face happens

they’ve given the older members heart attacks because he’ll give her a piggyback ride, they’ll hug really tight, or WORSE... they’ll give each other a lil kiss

they’re more innocent by nature but they love kissing and he loves holding her face because her skin is pretty and soft

he wears her perfume on his wrist so he can smell her and smile

the type of boyfriend who is CLUELESS about girl stuff

he wants her to try a different hair color. like a weird one

she refuses

taeyong actually loves them together so much

them dating and being IN LOVE and jisung still gives her cash for her birthday

the “i love you’s” are so. cute. and full. of. LOVE

she is merciless when theyre playing something against each other. she’ll TRY to get him out

usually lily is clingier but when she’s standing and jisung is sitting with his arms around her waist and his head squished to her side it’s so cute

he gets randomly really clingy at times and won’t let go of her

emotional bub will get teary because he loves her so much

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG183!

- I’m not sure I can manage to put it into words quite right but: sounds-wise, this episode’s domain didn’t feel mind-blowingly new, it wasn’t something that felt “Oh! I’ve never heard something like this before!”? But the echoes, grinding and scratching were timed so well, giving so much strength and gravitas to the conversations, that it perfectly scratched an itch. I could hear that there was something close to Jon and Martin, that it was big, and mostly deserted, that it stood eerily in the overall wasteland, that they were two people alone against a whole world, a whole machine with gears and a mechanism ready to crush anyone?

- I LIVE for artist!Martin giving his commentary and overall throwing shade at the Fears’ taking of artistic licence liberties:

(MAG183) MARTIN: Oh, bugger off! ARCHIVIST: Everything all right? MARTIN: Oh, no, what e–, what e–, what even is that? It, it’s like Escher ate a bad cathedral and threw up everywhere.

He had shown interest in the Stranger’s carousel upon learning that the statements had been a poem, but shots fired for that tower, uh.

- Jon and Martin were so cute starting the episode! Their quick banter was adorable!

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: It’s a building. A tower. … In a sense. MARTIN: Oh yeah? A–and what sense might that be? ARCHIVIST: [FAINTLY OMINOUS] … The Tarot sense. MARTIN: [SPLUTTERS WITH LAUGHTER] Really? ARCHIVIST: Wha–? No? Sorry, it… felt like a good line…! MARTIN: No, no, it was, I just… I dunno, I… [FOND EXHALE] You did the look, and…! It’s fine, sorry.

Martin being IN LOVE and appreciating Jon’s cuteness! The return of Jon showing that he’s an occult/horror nerd! We had seen in season 2 that he was generally very knowledgeable about anything related to the supernatural, and in season 4 that he was into Neil Lagorio’s movies, I’m happy to get another trace of it!

(MAG076) MELANIE: So I came here to dig a bit deeper. ARCHIVIST: Really? Our… our library is extensive, but it’s hardly focused on the Second World War. MELANIE: No, but the most detailed description of the crash that I could find came from the report of a man called William W. Hay. And later in life William Hay… ARCHIVIST: Became a noted occultist, whose memoirs and researches were only ever published in a heavily edited form. And we have unexpurgated copies. MELANIE: Exactly.

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Statement ends. Hm. Neil Lagorio… You ever see any of his work? DAISY: No. Not really into films. ARCHIVIST: Oh, they were… Well, let’s just say that it’s not a complete shock there was something unnatural to them. Didn’t know we had copies in the Institute, though; let alone original cuts. [CHUCKLE] Records indicate they [PAPER RUSTLING] ended up in… Artefact Storage. DAISY: Probably best that they stay there. ARCHIVIST: … Yeah. Yes, of course.

But SOB x2 since:

* Tower-in-the-tarot-sense meaning ominous stuff… and change. (While Jon knew they would soon come face to face with the choice to take the route through Martin’s domain.)

* Crying over the fact that we’ve seen and learned quite a few outside-of-the-job aspects of Jon this season, comparatively to the previous ones? He’s cute! He’s making jokes! He mentioned his student days a bit in MAG165, and visiting Upton House as a kid in MAG180! And this is happening when the world has been forked over and Jon&Martin certainly won’t survive together past MAG200, which means they have at most seventeen episodes together remaining. Martin, and we alongside him, are seeing so many different, more casual aspects of Jon, and it’s at the end of things…

- I really like how information bounced around in this episode? It felt even more dynamic than usual, quickly shifting depending on some reaction, or going from an association to another:

(MAG183) MARTIN: What, what’s the deal, though? Parts of it almost look like– ARCHIVIST: The Institute. MARTIN: Yeah…! ARCHIVIST: Yes. [INHALE] It makes sense, after all it was… built on the ruins of what Robert Smirke constructed…! MARTIN: Smirke? … What, no! But, but, surely he’s– ARCHIVIST: Dead, yeah, I mean, yes. [CHUCKLING] Very much so! This place is… an homage, shall we say. A monument. To him, and those like him, who tried to… categorise the world with themselves at the centre. In so doing, constructed the architecture of its suffering…!

Ohohoh about Martin feeling like the tower looked a bit like the Institute, and Jon drawing similarities through Smirke – the Institute being built on the ruins of a Smirke building, and the current domain being dedicated to people like him. The Institute is coming closer and weighing on their minds, isn’t it? I really like that Martin immediately worried about Smirke potentially being alive-ish, since:

(MAG138) MARTIN: “The Eye has marked me for something, of this I have no doubt. My… humble hope is that it may be a swift death, an accidental effect of your own researches, which I once again implore you to abandon. It is likely too late for me, but I will not…” [PAPER RUSTLE] Uh… [INHALE] The, hum… The letter ends there. Uh… Ap–apparently Robert Smirke was found collapsed in his study that evening, dead of, uh… [FLIPPING THROUGH PAPERS] Apoplexy. Mm. I–I don’t know how the letter reached the Archives, I mean… Well, I can guess, but…

… he had read Smirke’s last words before he died. (But Martin has seen enough by now to know that there is always a risk for people to not have actually died; on that front, we’re safe, Jon confirmed! Loving Jon’s chuckle: ah yeah, no, Smirke, “very much so” dead from Jonah.)

(Also loved the “[those] who tried to categorise the world with themselves at the centre” shade: yep! That’s West-Eurocentrism and Smirke’s little gang for you!)

- About the way the world works now since the Change, I’m curious about Jon’s wording as “the architecture of [the world’s] suffering”, since it’s echoing the title of Smirke’s statement, “The Architecture of Fear”: my understanding is that right now, the world is mostly running on a loop of people’s fears => feeding and shaping the landscape => which hurts people by turning those realised fears against them => squeezing the fear out of them => feeding the landscape, etc.

What is quite curious is the status of Smirke’s taxonomy in the current world. Jon went off on a rant about how Smirke and people who attempted to classify had been wrong all along because it was meant to fail… while he himself has persistently been using the very same classifications during this very season:

(MAG166) ARCHIVIST: Look, we can talk about it later, we’re– coming to a… “domain of The Buried”, and [STATIC RISES] I would really rather… […] God, I hate The Buried. [DEEP BREATHS] … End recording.

(MAG172) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] “Knowing”, “seeing”… i–it’s not the same thing as… understanding. Every time I try to know what The Web’s plan is, if it can even be called a plan, I see… a hundred thousand events and causes and links, an impossibly intricate pattern of consequences and subtle nudges, but I–I can’t…! … I can’t hold them all in my head at the same time. There’s no way to see the “whole”, the, the point of it all. I can see all the details, but it doesn’t… provide… context or… intention. I suppose The Web doesn’t work in knowledge, not in the same way.

(MAG173) MARTIN: That’s the avatar for this place? ARCHIVIST: Callum Brodie, thirteen years old. He guides the children through their fears of The Dark.

(MAG174) ARCHIVIST: I’m not entirely sure what you were expecting, it’s The Vast. The clue is in the name! MARTIN: Yes, all right…!

(MAG176) MARTIN: … Besides, I thought The Hunt was meant to make you go faster. ARCHIVIST: Depends on the type of pursuit. [INHALE] Besides, the chase isn’t… really the point of this particular place.

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Bad therapists. Let’s just say it’s the fear of bad therapists, filtered through The Spiral. BASIRA: That’s… a lot more nuance than I’ve gotten used to since everything went wrong. ARCHIVIST: Yes, well. The Spiral is nothing if not insidious. […] You just heard what The Spiral does to people, you can’t… trust her.

“constructed the architecture of [the world’s] suffering” kind of implies that they did manage something, even if it doomed the world? Is it specifically about Jonah using the division into 14 in his incantation? We’ve seen that that one had limitations, since The Extinction also got there anyway… But at the same time, true that at this point, we would still force-apply Smirke’s labels to anything anyway.

- Loved Jon sounding awfully pedantic and (fake-)poetic at the same time:

(MAG183) MARTIN: [SIGH] Bit of a mouthful. ARCHIVIST: Would you prefer I described it as a… “cascading recursion of shifting arrogance and hubristic dead-ends”? [STATIC RISES] [THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN] [CONSTANT HIGH-PITCHED FREQUENCY] HELEN: I would. [FOOTSTEPS] [THE DOOR SHUTS] [STATIC FADES] MARTIN: [SIGH] Hello, Helen.

AND HELEN HAVING THE BEST ENTRANCES. It also cleared up something for me (unless I had already realised it and forgot about it since then): the high-pitched sound we hear when she’s around is the mark of Helen and Michael, not of the corridors – if the door is open or characters are inside of the hallways, we’ll hear some of the usual crackling static, but we heard it rise when Helen arrived and fade when the door shut behind her (and same thing with her departure, it was briefly heard when she opened the door).

- Shots fired, MARTIN PLEASE:

(MAG183) MARTIN: [SIGH] Hello, Helen. Might have guessed you’d be into weird architecture. Very much your area of expertise, no? HELEN: Hmm, depends! Would you describe “petulant poet” as your area of expertise? I am weird architecture.

And Helen went equally incisive on that one, but also UUUUUH WAS IT A SPECIFIC REFERENCE TO PETER’S COMMENT ABOUT MARTIN…

(MAG158) MARTIN: I’m… saying no. I refuse! Game over. [KNIFE CLATTERING ON THE GROUND] PETER: Martin, this is not the time for petulance; there are bigger things at stake, here.

This was the only time someone referred to Martin as (acting) petulant… I mean, Helen not missing one second of MAG158 wouldn’t be surprising (she did tell Jon at the end of MAG157 that she would be enjoying the show), but ;; Little chilling when remembering Elias-Peter-Martin in the Panopticon and Martin refusing to kill Jonah there…

- I was right to suspect that Helen might have been unable to know where Jon&Martin were over their stay at Upton House, and that she wouldn’t be pleased about it!

(MAG183) HELEN: Anyway, where have you been? I’ve been looking for you, but you both just vanished. ARCHIVIST: Aaah… Right, I see…! HELEN: I was so looking forward to catching up after that whole Basira and Daisy thing, but then, pfft! You both disappear. I’d be very keen to know how you managed that little trick. MARTIN: Why, it caught us by surprise too, I mean, we, we actually ended– ARCHIVIST: [FIRMLY] We found somewhere to rest. That’s all. MARTIN: … Oh, yeah. Ah, yes, hm. HELEN: Fine. Be like that. I can appreciate the particular pleasure of a kept secret. ARCHIVIST: I’m sure you can.

* Salesa’s zone seems to be protected as long as you don’t physically find it? I wonder how Annabelle managed to find it, still, since Jon only become aware of that blind spot when they arrived nearby; how did she become aware of it in the first place? Did it feel like a hole in the world’s web?

* Awww for Jon keeping the secret and conveying to Martin that they should keep quiet about it ;w;

* AHAHAHHAHA for Jon’s “aaah”, which was absolutely a mischievous grandpa sound. Jon ready to cause trouble, with a smug smile on his face.

- … I love how Helen could observe that the dynamic of the exchange was slipping out of her control (Jon&Martin knew something that she didn’t, didn’t feel threatened by her, and Jon was amused to keep it out of her reach) and immediately tried to go for the throat again:

(MAG183) HELEN: Anyway. Such a shame about Basira and Daisy. I was really rooting for them to make up. MARTIN: [SPLUTTERS] Since when? What happened to– I mean, how did you put it… a, “a quick shot to the back of her head, and then back in time for tea”, or whatever?

Martin: Forgive and forget? NO, RESENT AND REMEMBER AHAHAHAHAH.

Direct reference to the fact that Helen indeed ~offered her door to Basira~ to quickly get to Daisy and execute her:

(MAG177) HELEN: I can offer a shortcut. Take you right to that murder machine you call a partner. MARTIN: Basira… Jon can’t go through Helen’s doors, we, we couldn’t come with you. HELEN: Basira is a strong, independent woman. She doesn’t need you two holding her hand. Anyway, it’ll be dead quick. Two minutes, door-to-door, quick shot to the back of Daisy’s head, and we’ll be home before you know it!

Laughing that Martin added the tea mention (Martin, you single-track minded tea-aficionado), but I’m glad that he remembered it full well to throw it in her face; it wasn’t even a personal attack towards Martin, it was something Helen tried to do to Basira, I’m glad that Martin is still absolutely offended about it ;w;

- I felt like Jon and Helen had two definitions of “what we want”: Helen potentially talking about quick, short-term wants (even if they turn out to be self-destructive), while Jon was more about well-thought decisions and choices?

(MAG183) HELEN: [EXASPERATED SIGH] Oh, give over. I was obviously just prodding her, trying to make a point. She didn’t want to kill her. ARCHIVIST: What we want doesn’t matter much these days. HELEN: Oh, [RASPBERRY NOISE], nonsense. What we want is the only thing that matters these days. And Basira wanted to join Daisy. ARCHIVIST: She made her choice. HELEN: With your assistance. ARCHIVIST: It was still her choice. HELEN: [SIGH] What a waste. ARCHIVIST: No. [INHALE] It wasn’t.

There have been a lot of discussions about “choices” and “wants” throughout the series (with big moments in MAG092, MAG117 and MAG147), so it felt a bit nice that Jon seems to have reached a point where he could draw a line between both? Jon, Martin and Basira didn’t want this world, don’t want the way it operates and what it inflicts on them; it doesn’t mean they can’t weigh options and make specific decisions – Basira, to honour her promise to Daisy and kill the monster she had become; Jon, to not smite for revenge (and Martin, to face his own domain).

I LOVE HOW JON WAS FIRM ABOUT BASIRA’S CHOICE MATTERING ;w; It once again reminds me of Martin’s line to Simon: “I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever.” (MAG151); the little things, the individual existences and choices, their own stories, still having value in the expanse of the universe…

- Martin! It’s a delight to see him so firm, having faith in Basira although he’s been so worried for her:

(MAG179) ARCHIVIST: Martin, this is what she needs. MARTIN: No, no! I–it’s…! BASIRA: It’ll… MARTIN: It’s completely– […] … We’re not doing this. BASIRA: [SOFTLY] Martin. Please. [SILENCE] MARTIN: … [SIGH] You’d better look after yourself. BASIRA: I will.

(MAG180) ARCHIVIST: How are you doing? About… MARTIN: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I’m… I don’t know. I’m–I’m not sure how to feel; just… pressing on, you know? ARCHIVIST: I do. [SILENCE] MARTIN: Do you think she’ll be okay without us? ARCHIVIST: Oh, she’s made it this far. MARTIN: … Yeah. I just worry.

(MAG183) MARTIN: Basira is… She’s going to be okay.

And then pointing out that he was involved in the discussion too and that he wanted to know what the other two knew already and not be kept out of the loop:

(MAG183) HELEN: Oh. Is she? Do you want me to tell you what she’s been up to while you were “resting”? Where she is right now? ARCHIVIST: You don’t need to. I already know. MARTIN: I don’t. [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: She’s currently moving through, uh… “The Void.” [STATIC FADES] Hungry shadows drifting in the dark. She’s been there a long time now, struggling to find the path. MARTIN: But she will? ARCHIVIST: I think so. HELEN: Yeah, she does always seem to manage, doesn’t she? It’s impressive. Although a little bit… tempting at times.

I’m not absoooolutely sure about Basira’s status: is “the void” a space between domains, or is it a Dark domain that Basira is having trouble finding the exit of, since unlike Jon, she can’t just “know” the paths? I suspect the latter but I’m not 100% certain. If it’s indeed The Dark, that’s a close to home one for her, since she had a few brushes with it over the course of the show – the Section 31 expedition to save Callum Brodie, leading to Rayner’s death and Basira’s decision to quit the police, her research to find out more about the People’s Church of the Divine Host (as shown in season 3) and her overall worry about them, which allowed Elias to convince her that they would attempt another ritual in Ny-Ålesund, leading to her discovering what “Rayner” was and travelling there with Jon, finding Manuela and the Dark Sun mid-season 4…

;ww; for Jon having faith in Basira, too… And the fact that once again, Basira has it a bit rougher than Jon&Martin (Jon had already told Martin that it had been a difficult journey for her, before they reunited). Helen does have a point that Basira seems to manage to find her way out in general: she had successfully escaped The Unknowing on her own, she had survived The Flesh’s attack on the Institute, she had pursued Daisy in the apocalypse… Basira has already gone through Helen’s corridors (offscreen at the end of MAG143, to return to the Institute), I’m YIKES about Helen implying that it would be “tempting” to grab her. (… But at the same time, why hasn’t she done it already, if she is capable of doing it? It might be a bit more complicated than that?)

- … I love Martin, I love that he was RIGHT to point out that Helen had just waltzed in to try and steer chaos:

(MAG183) MARTIN: Look, Helen, what do you even want? Okay, you keep turning up like a bad penny and, honestly, it, it seems like it’s… it’s just to be a dick! HELEN: Gasp! I am trying to be friends, Martin. Forever is a long time. And I occasionally like to have some company that isn’t… screaming. MARTIN: … What do you even think friendship is? HELEN: I dunno, do I? The only personhood I have is from someone I ate.

It feels like Helen has REALLY tried hard to make up for the weeks(?) she couldn’t find Jon and Martin? She went extra-hard on them: first with Basira, then implying to Jon that he had manipulated her into killing Daisy, then pointing out that Basira was not safe at the moment and still at risk of falling prey to other Fears (including herself), then trying to mock Martin about his domain, trying to guilt-trip Jon for not having told him about it yet, and when she finally managed to get Martin shocked and upset… job done, byebye.

Is it that she’s trying to get Jon so riled up he ends her? “Helen” used to like Jon and to turn to him (MAG101: “Helen liked you so… there’s a lot to consider. But I will help you leave.” / MAG115: “Before, talking to you made Helen feel better.”), before she was absolutely Down With Doors And Murders (MAG146: “We do what we need to do when it comes to feeding, don’t we? … Don’t we, Archivist?”), is it a remnant of that? Or is it really just an attempt at confusing Jon and Martin further, feeding from them Spiral-style?

- More about Martin’s domain later, but the reveal was BRUTAL, and yet not coming out of nowhere; we knew he had one, we knew he had almost been trapped in the Lonely house in MAG170 and the question was whether or not it had been (/was still) his domain once Martin got freed from it, but there was also the question of how Martin was able to walk in the apocalypse unharmed (was it due to Jon’s proximity, Martin’s connection to The Eye as an assistant, etc.), and Basira’s own status after Daisy’s death… so, yay! Answers and clarifications, and as usual, nothing feeling like a plot-twist, just things that make sense, and that we already had most of the information about!

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: Martin… MARTIN: Are there people, Jon? ARCHIVIST: What? MARTIN: Are there people in my domain? ARCHIVIST: Not many. [SILENCE] MARTIN: Do you need to do your… your thing? Make a statement about whatever’s going on in there? … I could use a moment to think. ARCHIVIST: Sure thing. Yeah, I–I’ll… [INHALE] Yeah. [EXHALE] [BAG JOSTLING] [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS]

Sobbing a bit about Martin’s priorities (“Are there people, Jon?”) and Martin asking for a quick me-time. It wasn’t ice-cold, Martin turned it into something useful for both of them (expecting that Jon would have to give his statement anyway), but aouch, he sounded absolutely shattered inside while blank on the surface…

- Yes, yes, yes, reminder that Smirke’s categorisation is arbitrary and just like the Doctor’s theory, sometimes just doesn’t work, because it’s trying to force-apply rules and a classification over something that resists it (and because the classification is not perfect from the start), but hey, that’s most theories and classifications out there anyway, so: Escher reference, the functioning of the Tower reminding me of the Great Twisting, and the reasonings sometimes reminding me of Gabriel’s work (MAG126), plus Helen popping by – it was Spiral stuff, right?

Well! I felt like it looks like Spiral, but the Doctor’s fears by themselves:

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: “But it is not the fall that terrifies him, not the pain of the impacts, but the fact that none of them should be there. That it doesn’t make sense, and it must make sense, there must be a system, there must be, because if there isn’t– [THE BODY LANDS WETLY] He lands with a heavy smack onto rough limestone, and lies still, his body twisted and broken. He knows it will knit itself back together, slowly, painfully, as it always has before. But the thought of starting over, of composing yet another theory, fills him with a deep dread.”

… are more something I would identify as Eye (fear of a truth) and Hunt (fear of having to return to the start, to have to elaborate a new theory from scratch, again and again, of being trapped forever)?

It was really reminiscent of Smirke thinking back over his life, his hubris and the pride of being the one who would have found the answer, to the point where he would reject reality if it didn’t match his taxonomy (refusing to, well… do what you do with a theory: change, or evolve and perfect it when its flaws are pointed out):

(MAG138, Robert Smirke) “I believed then, as I still believe now, that these places I saw were the Powers themselves, expressed in their truest form, far more entirely than any ‘secret book’ can claim. And if, as I came to believe, the Dread Powers were themselves places of a sort, then surely with the right space, the right architecture, they could be contained. Channelled. Harnessed. So yes. Hubris. Not simply in that, I suppose, but in believing that those I brought into my confidence shared my lofty goals. […] Would you have me separate The Corruption between insects, dirt and disease? To, to divide the fungal bloom from the maggot? No. No, I… stand by my work. And thus, we must conclude that the only explanation is a new Power, created from what was once others, yet also distinct. And if such change is possible, how then can any “true balance” be achieved through immutable, unchanging stone…?”

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: “If they are feeling very confident, they may lean down and stretch a curious tongue beyond their chipped teeth and rotten gums, desperate to add another sense to their observances – more evidence to support their declaration of what the world must be. […] They must simply study and learn, if they are to escape the labyrinth. They will be the first to escape. The one who sits in the central chamber cannot remember his name. But he knows that people called him “doctor”. He made sure of that; to ignore it would have been the greatest disrespect, and he will not be disrespected. […] He knows, for a fact, that this is the central chamber because he is the one sat here. […] They’ll all remember him forever, the first to escape the Monument. His name will be hallowed with the greats: Doctor, uh… Doctor…”

Same old pride, Leitner knew that well too (MAG080: “But I think, in my heart, I dreamed of my work becoming known. That ‘The Library of Jurgen Leitner’ would stand as a symbol of courage and protection. Hubris.”) and Gerry didn’t have many nice things to say about it (MAG111: “Flamsteed, Smirke, Leitner. Idiots who destroyed themselves chasing a secret that wasn’t worth knowing.”). Loved how the statements came for Smirke’s life and was absolutely ruthless about it – but maayyybe a bit too ruthless, even? Jon didn’t express much sympathy for “fools like Smirke” either, and this is a rare case in season 5 where I find that the statement was a bit lacking in empathy for… people who were technically victims. I mean! Insufferable pedantic academics sure are a type, they’re really not having the worst life out there, but it makes me feel a bit weird, with season 5’s overall tone, that the episode had that vibe of “serves them well, they’re insufferable” about people who were technically still trapped in a domain and suffering from it?

… I still laughed a lot about the Doctor vs. Professor rivalry and how they solved their argument:

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: “The doctor that lies on the floor has recovered, just enough to laugh. ‘You’re still working on mineral theory? How painfully outdated.’ A flash of genuine fear crosses the face of the professor at this dismissal, before he picks up his chunk of granite, and begins to smash the doctor’s head in, yet again.” [SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PEER REVIEW]

Academia unleashed.

(- OKAY, I HAVE TO CONFESS that when the character could only remember his title as “Doctor”, with Smirke having been mentioned earlier, my mind just jumped to Doctor Fanshawe… ;; He had left a strong impression on me, okay.)

- ;w; Over the fact that Martin got his me-time and that it was enough: he was clearly tense, but he came back with direct questions and knew what he wanted cleared up…

(MAG183) MARTIN: Finished? ARCHIVIST: Yes. MARTIN: Good. … I need you to explain something to me. ARCHIVIST: All right.

- I can’t believe that Martin Global Heartthrob Blackwood made The Eye FALL FOR HIM too:

(MAG183) MARTIN: How do I have a domain? That doesn’t make any sense. ARCHIVIST: It’s like I said. [INHALE] Everything here is either watcher, or watched. MARTIN: [SIGH] Subject or object, yes, I know, we’ve been over this. ARCHIVIST: Well, you’re a watcher, Martin. You worked for the Institute, you read statements, The Eye is… fond of you. You’re not getting thrown into your own personal hell, which means…

Jane, Peter, Simon, Elias, Salesa, Annabelle, now Beholding – do you have any limit, Martin.

!! I’m excited over the fact that Martin’s entanglement with Beholding stuff was acknowledged! Comparatively, Melanie had read 2 statements (MAG086, MAG106) and Basira 1 (MAG112). Meanwhile, Martin had read 12; plus, although Tim, Melanie, Martin and Basira had taken (… or tried to take) one live statement each in MAG100, Martin had also taken 3 additional full statements:

MAG084, Adrian Weiss (Corruption) MAG088, Enrique MacMillan (Buried) MAG090, Ross Davenport (Flesh) MAG095, Luca Moretti (Slaughter) MAG098, Doctor Algernon Moss (Dark) MAG100 (live), Lynne Hammond (Desolation) MAG104 (live), Tim Stoker (Stranger) MAG108, Adonis Biros (Lonely) MAG110, Alexia Crawley (Web) MAG134, Adelard Dekker (Extinction) MAG138, Robert Smirke (Eye) MAG142 (live), Jess Tyrell (Buried, Eye) MAG144, Gary Boylan (Extinction) MAG149, Judith O’Neill (Extinction) MAG151 (live), Simon Fairchild (Vast) MAG156, Adelard Dekker (Extinction)

With Simon highlighting that Beholding had compelled him through Martin:

(MAG151) SIMON: Hm! No wonder I’m so sympathetic to The Lonely. You know: this really is a place for self-discovery, isn’t it? [CHUCKLE] “Statement ends”, I suppose! MARTIN: Uh… I’m sorry? SIMON: Oh! Nothing, just my own hubris. I should have known. When I came here, I said to myself: “Simon,” I said, “you’re going to answer this young man’s questions, but you’re not going to give The Watcher a statement. You’re better than that.” But it’s a hard one to resist, isn’t it? You get in the flow of talking about yourself, and it all just… tumbles out. MARTIN: Mm, does seem like it.

Elias might have been eyeing him as back-up Archivist, too (although since then, we’ve learned of his bet with Peter which would have already been running at the time – it might have been that Elias mostly wanted to ensure that Martin wouldn’t die during the Unknowing because he’d be needing him afterwards):

(MAG116) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] What about Martin? MARTIN: What about me? ARCHIVIST: He should stay behind. MARTIN: What?! ELIAS: Really. MARTIN: Why? ARCHIVIST: Too many people might attract attention. MARTIN: No, no, I can help, I’ve been reading the statements! ELIAS: … Quite right, er, probably best he does stay behind. BASIRA: What, so you have a backup if Jon doesn’t make it? ELIAS: I’m sure that won’t be necessary.

Martin did a lot of research, read these statements aloud, took live statements, was hinted as a potential replacement; tape recorders have spawned around him like they do with Jon, even outside of statements, and Martin had been exceptionally kind towards them on multiple occasions; there had been that little moment of Martin somehow knowing that Jon was alive back in season 3 (MAG088: “It’s the not knowing, you know? I mean, Jon’s still alive. Not sure why, but I’m sure of that. But Sasha, I…”), shortly before we had learned about Jon’s own Knowing powers developing; we don’t know why and whether that was Beholding or The Web or something else, but Martin had been able to know how to get Jon out of the Coffin in season 4:

(MAG134) PETER: What does puzzle me, though, and I mean that genuinely, is… why you were piling tape recorders onto the coffin, while Jon was in there. [PAUSE] It’s a question, Martin, it’s– it’s not an accusation. MARTIN: I don’t know. And I just… felt like it might help. He’s always recording, I thought… it–it might help him… find his way out. PETER: Interesting. Were you compelled? MARTIN: [SULLEN] … I don’t know. … M–maybe? I–I, I definitely wanted to do it… PETER: But? MARTIN: I’m… I’m not sure where the idea came from. PETER: You should watch out for that. Could be something dangerous. MARTIN: Sure.

… And Peter’s whole plan relied on the fact that Martin was initially touched by Beholding:

(MAG134) PETER: [BREATHES] I’m still working out some of the kinks. But I believe I have a plan. However, it requires this place, and it requires someone touched by The Beholding. Elias was, perhaps unsurprisingly, unwilling to help.

(MAG158) PETER: It’s quite simple, really…! I want to use the powers of this place to learn about The Extinction: what it’s doing, where it’s manifesting. Then we can stop it. MARTIN: And you need me for this? PETER: Correct! Without a connection to The Eye, any attempt to use it would likely end… very messily indeed! But thankfully, it just so happens that you hold such a connection. MARTIN: So that’s it… Both “lonely” and “watching”. PETER: You must admit you’re the perfect candidate. MARTIN: I suppose I am.

Beholding baby!! Now coming in an additional Lonely flavour.

- Mmmmmmmm… The way Jon put it, it seems that Beholding is consciously rewarding its servant and:

* It could be Jon trying to make sense of something else, that he doesn’t understand? Gertrude didn’t think that the Fears were able to “think” at all (MAG145: “Sometimes, I think They understand us as… little as we understand Them. We don’t think like They do.” “I’m not actually convinced they “think” at all.”); reward&affection could be primitive enough feelings for a blob of terrors to work out (Martin fed Beholding as an assistant by reading statements => Beholding grants him things in the hope of getting fed even more?), but I don’t know, I can’t help but wonder if this is just Jon humanising the Fears a bit too much? It’s curious that Beholding got “fond” of Martin precisely when Jon himself fell in love with him – could Jon’s feelings have influenced Martin’s position in the apocalypse, could Jon be having a bit more power over the landscape than he realises?

* … If Beholding is rewarding its servants, that doesn’t bode well for Elias. WELL, no, I mean: it might mean that Elias is having a Great Time as a Beholding acolyte, which means it doesn’t bode well for my desire to see Elias get absolutely wrecked and wrong about being the “king of a ruined world”. I want him to have miscalculated, damnit! x’D

- I’m having so many feelings over Martin himself being unsure of what he wants, whether it’s better to know or to remain ignorant…

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: It’s like I said. [INHALE] Everything here is either watcher, or watched. MARTIN: [SIGH] Subject or object, yes, I know, we’ve been over this. ARCHIVIST: Well, you’re a watcher, Martin. You worked for the Institute, you read statements, The Eye is… fond of you. You’re not getting thrown into your own personal hell, which means… MARTIN: [QUIETLY] That one of them belongs to me. But that’s… Ho–how can I be a “Watcher”? I, I didn’t even know it existed! ARCHIVIST: But you’ve suspected for a while now, haven’t you? MARTIN: Maybe? But that’s not “watching”! ARCHIVIST: Do you want me to tell you about it? MARTIN: No. … Yes. N–no, no, I don’t know, I don’t know. [SIGH]

Is it a remnant of his discussions with Tim in season 3? He’s basically gone the reverse of Tim about it:

(MAG098) MARTIN: Y’know, I think he thinks that the distance keeps us safe, you know? Like, like, if he just makes sure that we’re not involved, we’re somehow fine. TIM: He’s an idiot. Look, we didn’t know what that door was, and it still trapped us. Ignorance isn’t going to save anyone. MARTIN: No, I mean, you’re right, I guess.

Martin has seen enough to know now that ignorance doesn’t protect anyone, but also that knowledge can be used as a weapon – that the horrors are just made to hurt. I feel like, in his situation, noping out of Jon’s statements was one of his only ways to assert his boundaries (which had been denied from him — and from others — for a long time)? But here, the situation is different; it’s about Martin’s own involvement, he knew the knowledge would hurt anyway… but it’s also his load to bear? To at least face what is happening, since he’s benefitting from it, since he’s been made complicit (without ever wanting to)? It still goes perfectly with the exploration of exploitative and oppressive systems: Martin, unknowingly and unwillingly inflicting hurt, still being in a better situation than others… while not being directly responsible for it, not wanting to benefit from it. It really makes me want to see Jon&Martin find a way to reverse or improve things, to get people out of the domains or giving them the keys to escape them, and I don’t know if I can even hope something about this ;; (On the Jon&Martin front, things are so good; but it still feels so unfair for… everyone else.)

- Martin having a domain and being classified as a “watcher” finally explains why he hadn’t been impacted by the apocalypse since the Change! He had been able to get out of the domains’ grasp even when he wasn’t around Jon (he had fallen behind at the end of MAG163, he wandered around in the Web’s theatre, he left Jon alone for most of the statements), and there was still the question of… how he was still surviving without eating, and at the same time wasn’t (at least as far as we knew) trapped in a domain:

(MAG161) MARTIN: [MIRTHLESS HUFF] What about food? ARCHIVIST: What about it? When’s the last time you thought to eat, o–or even felt hungry? MARTIN: [FAINT] What…? Wha… Uh… I don’t know. ARCHIVIST: No. Whatever is sustaining us now doesn’t need us to eat. MARTIN: That… that can’t be possible– ARCHIVIST: It’s a new world, Martin, the natural laws are whatever they want them to be. And I suspect they don’t much care to keep humanity fed and watered.

I was wondering if it was Jon’s influence, or Martin being “trapped” in Jon’s domain, and Jon had also alluded to the possibility that they were themselves trapped in their quest towards the Panopticon:

(MAG169) ARCHIVIST: “Free” doesn’t really exist in this place. MARTIN: Apart from us. ARCHIVIST: I suppose. I–in a sense, though… [CHUCKLING] how much of that is because we are trapped in our own quest to– MARTIN: Okay, let’s, let’s not dive into another… ontological debate right now, not here. ARCHIVIST: Fair enough.

And Jon had even specifically told Martin that he had a domain, shortly before Martin got almost imprisoned in the Lonely house:

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: We all have a domain here, Martin. The place that feeds us. MARTIN: Oh. [PAUSE] Where’s yours? ARCHIVIST: [MIRTHLESS CHUCKLE] I mean, we’re… traveling towards it. MARTIN: Oh! Right, obviously. [CHUCKLING] Duh. Hum… What about me? ARCHIVIST: … Would you… like me to… ? MARTIN: No, no. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. ARCHIVIST: … Okay!

(MAG170) ARCHIVIST: I, I didn’t want to… look too ha–, I–I–I promised I wouldn’t… know you, and, and with the fog in all–all the rooms, I’ll, I just, I lost y–, I… I–I’m sorry. MARTIN: It’s okay. ARCHIVIST: … No, I… I tried to use the… to know where you were, but… it was… You–you were faint. It was so strange, i–it took me so long just to find you…! [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] MARTIN: Jon, it’s… okay. I promise it’s okay. This place tried, it really did, and honestly I… I wanted to believe it. But I didn’t. ARCHIVIST: This… “place”, i–it… [STATIC] My god…! […] I, I just… I wanted to make sure that you knew what this place was. MARTIN: It’s The Lonely, Jon. It’s me. ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Not anymore. MARTIN: Hm! No. [LONG INHALE, EXHALE] No…! Not anymore.

And alright, that finally answers it: the Lonely house wasn’t his domain, wasn’t meant to be (but he was susceptible to it, got almost trapped in it as a “watched” although he eventually managed to reject and break free from it). His own domain was elsewhere, and Martin himself was amongst the “watchers” all along; Martin is living a bit like Helen in this apocalypse, having a fixed domain, but able to navigate elsewhere.

Aouch for Martin, since he had been encouraging Jon to smite domains’ rulers as soon as he discovered that Jon could do it; it was already murky territory for Jon himself (if the “avatars” and “monsters” just deserve to die, what about Jon?), it was awful with Callum (Martin himself drew the line at smiting a kid)… but now, we know it was directly including him, too, and that he had been fed through people’s pain all along. No wonder Helen had encouraged the smiting so hard, if she already knew they were kind of neighbours…

… Double-aouch for Jon, because he had offered twice the option for Martin to stay elsewhere, permanently:

(MAG170) ARCHIVIST: M–Martin, if you… did; i–if you wanted to forget… a–all of it, stay here and just… escape. I… I would understand. MARTIN: … N–no…! It’s comforting here, leaving all those… painful memories behind, but… It’s not a good comfort, it’s… I–it’s the kind that makes you fade, makes you… dim and… distant.

(MAG181) ARCHIVIST: I’m sorry, I… It would have been nice to stay. MARTIN: [WISTFULLY] Yeah… I’d almost forgotten what it was like, you know? A bit of peace, eh! ARCHIVIST: I mean, you could have… MARTIN: No, don’t say it, Jon. You know I never would. I–I can’t just “forget” about all the people out here! Besides, I’d rather be trapped in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with you than spend one more moment in paradise with her.

And Jon probably didn’t know what Martin’s domain was exactly, back then, since we heard the knowing static kick in when he described the domain in this episode? But he probably knew, already, that Martin having a domain didn’t mean that he belonged to it as a victim, but as a ruler, and that it would hurt Martin so much. (“No one gets what they deserve. Not in this place. They just get whatever hurts them the most! … Even me.”, indeed ;;)

- I AM HAVING SO MANY FEELINGS OVER THE DESCRIPTION OF MARTIN’S DOMAIN…

(MAG183) [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: It’s a small domain. A swirling mix of The Eye and The Lonely. Inhabited by a few lost souls whose fear is not of their isolation or their agonies, but that no-one… will ever know of them. That they shall suffer in silence, and be mourned by nobody. That’s why you can’t really see it. It’s why even if we do travel through it, you won’t be able to see… any of the people trapped there.

… It reminds me so much of what Martin probably experienced in his own flat, when Prentiss besieged him for two weeks and Martin was unable to contact anyone, and nobody came to check on him? Did Martin’s domain grow from his own old fears…?

It also reminds me a bit of Naomi’s brush with The Lonely:

(MAG013) NAOMI: The fog seemed to follow me as went and seemed to swirl around with a strange, deliberate motion. You’ll probably think me an idiot, but it felt almost malicious. I don’t know what it wanted, but somehow I was sure it wanted something. There was no presence to it, though, it wasn’t as though another person was there, it was… It made me feel utterly forsaken.

Overall, the description is extremely… typical from what we’ve seen of The Lonely: there was Naomi’s misadventure, Ethan disappeared and nobody even claimed his backpack (MAG048), Yetunde Uthman had “disappeared a year ago. And nobody noticed” (MAG150)…

(But from that description alone, it doesn’t sound very Beholding, despite what Jon said? I’m curious about the Eye aspect of it…)

- Can’t believe that Martin canonically turns out to be the Lonely Eyes love(hate)child, gdi. It really was a custody battle in MAG158.

- Extra-sad that Jon warned Martin that there was meaning in the fact that Martin didn’t know anything about his domain, and wouldn’t even be able to see people in there… It’s just so cruel, both for them, and for Martin, to learn that he’s been unknowingly contributing to their misery (because they fed him and he didn’t even know about them)?

Pretty sure that Martin will stay with Jon to hear that statement, at the very least ;; (Or could he ask for something more? We’ve seen Jon extracting Breekon’s statement in MAG128, I wonder if he could put something into someone’s head like Elias had done, allowing Martin to give that statement himself…)

- I’m wondering about Jon’s own domain, too, now! He said they were heading towards it, so it’s either the Panopticon, the Institute or the Archives, or a mix of those… or something close to it, on their way to it. If Martin’s domain is a mix of Lonely&Eye, is Jon’s pure Eye? A mix of the 14/15? A Web&Eye mix, given Jon’s own personal fears?

I know that Jonny (lovingly) called out the obsessive classification in this episode through Jon, who went off on a rant about the “neat little boxes”, but he’s still using the Smirke classification this season:

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: It’s a small domain. A swirling mix of The Eye and The Lonely.

(AND IN THIS VERY EPISODE… Jon…)

- On the one hand: feeling directly called out by Jon’s rant about how the divisions between avatars/monsters/humans/victims wasn’t and isn’t working, that reality escapes that division because it’s much more complicated than this:

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: [HEATED] Avatar isn’t a thing, Martin, it’s not–! It’s just a word. A word used by… fools like Smirke to try and sort everything into neat little boxes, to reduce the messy spray of human fear into a checklist: Human, avatar, monster, victim. Only now, now, there’s a binary. There’s finally a clear dividing line and… [SIGH] Well. I’m sorry you’re not happy with which side you’ve ended up on.

(It felt especially relevant with Callum Brodie: could we really tell that he was an “avatar” when he was still a freshly wounded kid, even if a tormentor himself?)

On the other hand, well, that was still a useful distinction to have to identify servants, and mostly, I’m not extremely convinced by Jon arguing that there is now a Clear BinaryTM in the new world, between the “watchers” and the “watched”, since:

1°) Helen herself explained the dichotomy to Martin (MAG166: “And so, there are now exactly two roles available in this new world of ours: the watcher, and the watched. Subject, and object. Those who are feared, and those who are afraid.”). Given that she mostly tries to confuse them… that’s a red flag.

2°) Despite Jon defending that binary, we’ve run into plenty of examples of things… not fitting into that new classification. He himself acknowledged that Basira’s status wasn’t established yet; we’ve seen Salesa, protected by his camera from the chaos; Jon has been unable to know about Georgie and Melanie, only hypothesising that they might in what-used-to-be-London; Martin, a watcher, could still have fallen prey to another domain… That’s already a lot of special cases around that “clear dividing line”…

3°) Somethingsomethingsomething about how it’s in Beholding’s best interest that Jon believes in a clear, unchangeable, dividing line which serves Beholding’s own interests. If things feel fixed and unchangeable, then there is no point trying to fight against it or find a loophole, right?

Given that a Watcher can get trapped in another domain… does that mean that it could be the case for Jon, too? We got a threat of it in MAG172, when Jon began to give the statement of the following act – if Martin hadn’t interrupted him, would Jon have ever been able to stop?

- Confirmation that Daisy had “trapped” Basira in her Hunt! I was suspecting it since Jon’s first wording:

(MAG164) MARTIN: Is Basira alive? ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] MARTIN: Is she… in… o–one of these places? [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: She’s alive. Out there, not… trapped in a–a hellscape, but… moving. [STATIC DECREASES] Hunting. She’s… she’s looking for Daisy. She’s a few steps behind.

(MAG183) MARTIN: … What about Daisy? Or Basira? ARCHIVIST: Daisy carved through the domains of others. Basira… well… In a very real way she was a sufferer in Daisy’s domain. Maybe the only one. Hunting, following, hurting. Now Daisy’s dead, she’s… free. Sort of. She’s inherited something of Daisy’s ability to move through the other domains. For now, she’ll… feed off what she sees in them. As to whether the Eye ultimately gives her a domain of her own… I don’t know yet.

* And now, Basira seems to have a peculiar status… Is it because she killed Daisy? Is it because she killed the ruler of her domain? Jon explained that a ruler’s death didn’t change much for the domain itself, but maybe it operates differently if a victim kills a ruler (… they become the new ruler?)

* Another reminder that Jon cannot see the future.

* Big Eyeball didn’t immediately give Basira a domain, but Martin got one. I see that favouritism, uh. (Joke, it does make sense given how Martin recorded a lot of statements and had worked at the Institute for years and years.)

- I love how Jon managed to explain why he hadn’t told Martin everything, and how Martin… indeed agreed that Jon had been mostly trying to respect his wishes about not knowing ;; It’s true that Martin had been adamant about not hearing much of the horror:

(MAG163) MARTIN: J–Jon, enough! Enough! [STATIC FADES] … Please don’t tell me these things. ARCHIVIST: I… I’m sorry, I– There’s just so much! There’s so much, Martin, and I know all of it, I can see all of it, and I– It’s filling me up, I need to let it out! MARTIN: I’m sorry, but tough. Okay? Tha–that’s not what I’m here for. [VOICE IN THE DISTANCE: “No… No!”] MARTIN: I can’t be that for you, I–I just can’t.

(MAG167) MARTIN: Oh! Right, obviously. [CHUCKLING] Duh. Hum… What about me? ARCHIVIST: … Would you… like me to… ? MARTIN: No, no. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. ARCHIVIST: … Okay!

(MAG183) MARTIN: You didn’t tell her any of that. ARCHIVIST: I didn’t think the metaphysics of her place in the fear ecosystem was something she’d be particularly interested in at that moment. MARTIN: Fair. But you seem very reluctant to tell anyone any of this stuff. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] I did try, right at the start, but y–you didn’t seem to want to talk about it, so I didn’t push it. It’s hard, I have so much knowledge but… how do I decide what people want me to share, and what they never want to know?. MARTIN: I guess that makes sense.

But Martin seems to acknowledge that indeed, Jon had been trying his best about it…

(And now, I wonder if there is still other stuff that Jon hadn’t told Martin, in the same vein…)

- First choice for Martin:

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] I was going to bring it up at the crossroads. Inside. I only just realised we would be going this way. […] MARTIN: I guess that makes sense. … So what did you mean about the crossroads? When you were talking to Helen. ARCHIVIST: It’s a maze in there, something between a, a Rubik’s Cube and a Magic Eye picture. I can find us the way through easily enough but… well. For us, there are two ways out. Two paths to London. MARTIN: What are the choices? ARCHIVIST: One would be a long, winding route, we’d see a lot of horrors, but remain… personally untouched. MARTIN: And the other is my domain. ARCHIVIST: Eventually. It’s a shorter path, with faces we know along the way. Including Helen. MARTIN: I thought Helen was her domain, wi–with all the doors and that? ARCHIVIST: She is, but she has a… position within this pseudo-landscape, like any other. MARTIN: O–okay. [INHALE] So, so, I mean, I suppose we’ve got to do that one, right? ARCHIVIST: We don’t have to, w–we–we could just– MARTIN: What, what? We could, we could dodge around it? Take the path of denial? I guess, but… what is it you keep harping on about? “The journey will be the journey”? [SIGH] I mean… It’s pretty obvious that this one is my journey.

! Glad that Martin didn’t hesitate and immediately understood what it was about – that it mattered to do it that way, that Martin had to face it, that this is how this world works. No hesitation about it. He got a demonstration with Basira, but still, he was quick to accept it.

I’m expecting a few episodes before Martin’s domain, so… with the overall rhythm of the season, they might reach the Institute by MAG189? And Hill Top Road during Act III?

- Since Jon mentioned that the path Martin ended up choosing had:

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: Eventually. It’s a shorter path, with faces we know along the way. Including Helen.

I wonder about those “faces we know”, since we’re running super-low on ~avatars~. Different options:

* Institute staff. Rosiiiie?

* Melanie&Georgie. A bit unlikely, given that Jon had trouble knowing what was the deal with them, I feel?

* Since Helen will be there, people who gave live statements to Jon and were trapped in his nightmare zoo. I’m mostly thinking about this one, especially since Jon’s “No one gets what they deserve. Not in this place. They just get whatever hurts them the most! … Even me.”… (And if it’s about an internal and metaphorical journey, I feel like having to face people that Jon hurt, first unaware (he didn’t know about the nightmare zoo when he signed to become the Head Archivist), then partially unwilling but still doing it (he felt guilty about it but still hid it, still chose self-preservation instead of warning the others about it), would have its place…)

- In the same fashion, who is trapped in Martin’s domain? Unrelated people? Live statement-givers? (;; I’m thinking of Jess, who had the misfortune of being compelled by Jon and of giving a statement to Martin…)

… Given that it’s confirmed to be a “journey” for Martin too, I can’t help but squint at Jon’s wording, because. “Faces we know”. The only thing we know of Martin’s father is the fact that he looks like Martin… (MAG118: “The thing is, though, Martin: if you ever do want to know exactly what your father looked like… all you have to do is look in a mirror~ The resemblance is quite uncanny. The face of the man she hates, who destroyed her life, watching over her, feeding her, cleaning her, looking down on her with such pity–”)

- I’ll be having Annabelle’s words stuck in my head (ha) for a long time but:

(MAG181) ANNABELLE: Don’t worry, Martin. We’ll meet again. Hopefully when you’re feeling a little bit more… open-minded…! MARTIN: I wouldn’t count on it. ANNABELLE: I would. MARTIN: [SIGH]

… Was it a reference to Martin learning about his own domain and about how the world operates, his place in it? I think that Martin might be even more resolved to turn the world back at whatever cost, now that he knows that he is himself sustained by fear…

(LISTEN, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HOW WEB!MARTIN CAN STILL WI–)

- !! Footage of Martin saying “I love you” for the first time ;w; I love how it was the thing he was certain about, both a slight decompressing joke and a true statement, a reminder that he has faith in Jon, that he has something to cling to?

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: If you’re sure. MARTIN: … I’m sure I love you. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: I love you too. [FABRIC RUSTLES] Let’s go.

(He had mentioned that he was “in love” in MAG170, I’m happy to hear him telling Jon, too!) And the fabric RUSTLED, SO LONG AND SO HARD, AND AT LEAST TWICE!! I love how the tension from right before and after the statement had faded by the end of the episode ;w; Rollercoaster of little emotions…

MAG184’s makes me think of something Leitner had said (more lore about the Fearpocalypse?), and of Vast and Corruption… with very different vibes. If Corruption, and keeping in mind that Jon has announced that they will be encountering “faces [they] know along the way”, it cooould contain Jordan Kennedy, the exterminator from Pest Control…? Especially given that both Jon and Martin had met him (Jon took his live statement, and Martin pleaded offscreen for him to get them the jar of Prentiss’s ashes to comfort Jon).

(Yessss, I am absolutely aware of the irony of still using Smirke’s categorisation after another episode in which we were told again that it is bollocks, but if Jon himself still occasionally labels the domain as one of the 15, so can I ♥)

[goldenworldsabound]

Philly’s playlist has 25 songs in it because I love him! Every day is an exercise in not adding more LHFEHJ

Some explanations under the cut!

Control ft Nick Nikon

The theme of the song is working through difficulty and being stronger than it, in a way, and it's got good vibes and feels very Philly. Like each challenge just makes me strong fuck you vibes. "No peace without violence" speaks to me as a lyric here because Philly wants peace to a degree but he has to kill a lot of people to get there due to having a huge bounty on his head (which he sort of deserves but you know).

Regardless (from Cannon Busters)

It's the end credits. It's also got fairly applicable lyrics. Self explanatory, However,

Even though, we been down this road

And I know it's far from flawless

You'll be comin' home regardless

Relationships take work and ours is no exception. Sort of reference to the time we spent apart and how we always come back together, after anything that separates us.

Weapon

This song makes me feel VERY STRONG and like we're kicking ass together. We're both really fucking dangerous.

When they say I'm a machine gun

I take it as a compliment

Honey, you should know

I can be your weapon

It kinda fits either of us honestly, we're both really protective and will do anything to protect the other person

Help I'm Alive

This songs seems both ironic and appropriate for immortals. Really like all of these lyrics are applicable for the idea of like, we're alive, our hearts won't stop beating because we can't die, but if we're together it's okay you know? But there's also a freneticness to be alive.

If you're still alive

My regrets are few

If my life is mine

What shouldn't I do?

I get wherever I'm going

I get whatever I need

While my blood's still flowing

And my heart's still beating like a hammer

Beating like a hammer

Patience Gets Us Nowhere Fast

To me this song speaks to how Philly especially feels when he meets me and his world starts to change. Life feels a bit more worth living. "Even the sunlight doesn't feel this good." There's a lot of like, let's be together, let's take a chance, let's do it! And it kinda speaks to the way we're both hesitant but really want this love thing.

I want it all and nothing less

I want it all, I want the best for us

I'm telling you to trust

The world you see is on our side

Take a chance and take a ride with me

From sea to shining sea

Like it's just so soft and sweet and it feels like Philly's inner monologue to me ;w;

Trampoline (with ZAYN)

This song just feels super Philly to me. I've talked about it before but this song is angst material. It's just. Big oof but also perfect. It's not really about our relationship but just about him.

Wait if I'm on fire

How am I so deep in love?

When I dream of dying

I never feel so loved

The idea that he dreams about dying because he dies all the time. The fact that he likely has trauma over this, and how it must've fucked him up pretty bad. It's just. Hngh.

Regain Control

It's the right time (to rise up to the top)

Prime time (cause we can't get enough)

And fight for (this city that we made)

To take back (the power that you crave)

This song is just like COOL VIBES very fight-y vibes and the lyrics match that. It's really easy to imagine fighting side by side to this song. Additionally it has angst that can kind of reference the time in our relationship where he got me my immortal - that caused me to leave him for a bit as I grappled with it. See the following lyrics: Can't get enough

Of your love

But to save you now, I gotta give it up

Give it up, give it up

Baby Come Back

Sort of a joke song but also it's got the twangy cowboy outlaw vibes to it. Also this line specifically, "She's so cute, and really cool" it's just like, Philly trying to describe me and like he's just struck for words FWEJKFHWJE the rest of the lyrics don't necessarily apply but the vibes are good.

4 Wheels 9 Lives

No lyrics, but this song slaps and it's also just very Cannon Busters vibes. Very cowboy outlaw on the road kinda vibes. Easy to imagine lots of shenanigans with him and I and this plays in the background.

Get Free

This song just screams Philly going absolutely bonkers driving around just doing whatever he wants having a good time but also like an existential crisis HFJWEHFJE classic right. There's not a lot to the lyrics but like, "Drive you around the corner"  and "She never loved (x3) why should anyone?" just feel very Philly to me idk. It's very upbeat song.

Save Me From Myself

This song is a little angsty but it has good vibes. It makes me think of a vulnerable late night chat by the fire out at night. But still covering up the hurt with jokes and other deflections.

Still it's 48 hours without rest

Burning sensation in my chest

Never would admit that I'm depressed

'Cause I was raised to take the bitter with a twist

and also

The pain is real, my laughter is pretend

So I light the matches, ready to forget

There's also a lot in the verses about sparking up the fire and that sort of thing hence the particular imagine. And sort of asking for help and acceptance but continuing to deflect.

Don't Let Me Go

This has very similar vibes to the above. Like being vulnerable with some deflections in place. Also a little sexy.

And it's all about the way you feel

When you first take off your heels,

And then your clothes;

Don't let me go.

And when all has come and made its deal,

And then everything get's real,

And i'm still froze...

Don't let me go.

Vulnerability in two flavors - the physical layers of clothing, and this repeated line throughout the entire song of "don't let me go". His emotional vulnerability. My emotional vulnerability. All the things coming together.

RBB (Really Bad Boy)

...what can I say, he's a really bad boy LKFWEHFJKW. It's fun and it's sexy and that's it that's all I have for you it gives me a lot of images of him smirking and giving me naughty glances and being a flirty lad.

Rescue Me

We really out here rescuing each other all the damn time. It's pretty straightforward.

Would you rescue me? Would you get my back?

Would you take my call when I start to crack?

Would you rescue me? Uh

Would you rescue me?

Would you rescue me when I'm by myself?

When I need your love, if I need your help

Would you rescue me? Uh

Would you rescue me?

Circles

This is very much about like, the circles we run around each other before we get together. We both kind of cycle through like, should I try to make this work? And wanting distance because we can feel we're falling in love but don't know how the other person feels. So we circle that way. I realize that's not exactly what the lyrics are about but the vibe it gives off works for that even though the lyrics aren't an exact match.

Lightspeed (IMLAY remix)

This gives me really big feelings like. It's a very intense song but like it's like man things are fucked up but maybe we can fix it if we work together.

We're moving faster than light while

We're dealing with these demons inside so

Where are the ones who made us now!?

Maybe we got to do better

Maybe we've got to do it together and

Maybe we lost our way somehow

And maybe maybe means never

"Where are the ones who made us now" to me is just like...we were made immortal by sorcerers and magic that seems to have disappeared from the world, but also like...the world that continues to hunt us and has forced us to keep running, you know? and the we've got to do it together is just like ;w; us coming together and working to make life worth living and all...hngh...it touches my heart a lot and also it's a really good song with good energy.

Never Game Over

Ride I'm gonna ride the lightning

Danger feel the danger rising

Never it's never game over

Wild I am a wild eyed thriller

Dragon I'm a dragon killer

Never it's never game over

It is LITERALLY never game over for us cause we keep coming back to life. We always find a way to win against every single bad odd. Also a fucking bop to imagine fight scenes to.

Reckless Tongue

The wording and tone in this just scream Philly.

I've got a reckless tongue

What are you bothering me for

It's gonna look bad on you

I've got a big old gun

What are you laughing at me for

It's gonna look bad on, you

It's also kind of about trying to flirt with a girl but being interrupted and failing and getting frustrated and it very much just...it feels Philly.

Legend

I'm a living legend

You ain't heard yet? You not get the message?

From the moment that I step in it, I get a couple weapons

Yeah, I turn into a beast when I'm repping

Again, just flawless lyrics for Philly being a cocky shit.

Ride It

...this song is just very sexy okay...>///>

People = Shit (Richard Cheese cover)

Okay but like I don't know the original song at all but the loung cover of it IS HILARIOUS to imagine like Philly wandering around a bar starting fights and killing people. Like a musical number! It would be great.

Paralyzer

Well, I'm not paralyzed

But, I seem to be struck by you

I wanna make you move

Because you're standing still

If your body matches

What your eyes can do

You'll probably move right through

Me on my way to you

I really catch him off guard. The lyrics aren't a perfect match, but the way he just is totally struck by me over and over...I can keep of with him, he thinks I'm gorgeous all of that is like lightning to him.

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

Okay definitely added this at least partially for the aesthetic. Like it just has cowboy outlaw vibes. And of course the lyrics, "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked" are extremely pertinent right? It's a bit ironic because the full lyric is, "ain't no rest for the wicked, until we close our eyes for good". Which we never will. So it's the kinda thing we say with a wry smirk before killing someone you know feel?

Trouble

Trouble on my left, trouble on my right

I've been facing trouble almost all my life

My sweet love, won't you pull me through?

Everywhere I look I catch a glimpse of you

I said it was love and I did it for life

Did-did it for you

Hoo boy this is just big Us. Like yeah we're surrounded by trouble nonstop but we get through it with each other!

Black and Gold

This song gives me mega feelings about the time Philly and I spend apart after he gets me turned immortal to save my life.

'Cause if you're not really here

Then the stars don't even matter

Now I'm filled to the top with fear

That it's all just a bunch of matter

'Cause if you're not really here

I don't want to be either

I wanna be next to you

Black and gold, black and gold, black and gold

Like oof just both of feeling like...what's the point in this immortality if we aren't together? But unwilling to reach out because we're afraid. Because that would be a huge step for how bad of terms we left on.

Additionally the song has really big vibes for stargazing which is definitely a thing for us, particularly when we're apart.

[thewritewolf]

Inseparable Chapter 16 - Akuma

A class field trip turns dangerous.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

@ladynoirjuly2019

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

Feeling completely healthy again, Marinette knew she had no excuse to stay home today. No matter how much she wanted to when her alarm started blaring ten minutes before she had to be in the classroom. Despite waking up late, she managed to rush through the doors with a couple minutes to spare and only had to sacrifice breakfast to pull it off. Maybe Tikki would be willing to share her cookie stash to get her through until lunch.

She smiled and waved at the boys as she passed them. While Nino nodded to her, Adrien’s reaction surprised her. It was hard to tell, so she might have been imagining it, but there was a light blush at his cheeks as he looked away from her. Despite his uncharacteristic shyness, he managed to squeak out a greeting as she moved passed him. She exchanged a look with Alya, who seemed as surprised as Marinette was.

Otherwise, the day began as it normally did. Ms Bustier called attendance, they came to the front in pairs to say nice things to each other, and she began to tell them what they would be doing today.

“Now class, as you may remember, we have a field trip today at the wax museum. Keep in mind this is a reward for your good behavior and excellent progress on your projects - we expect you to stay well mannered while we are in the museum.” She slowly met the eyes of all her students, smiling warmly all the while. “Now, are there any questions?”

Immediately, a third of the class raised their hands.

“Yes, Alya?”

“Is it true that they’ve finished the akumas exhibit?”

Marinette smiled and shook her head. Of course that’s what Alya would be the most concerned about. Although… maybe looking over the old akumas would help with Marinette’s own project? Somehow? It was worth a shot at least.

“Yes, the final statues were added over the weekend. Now there is an entire section of the museum dedicated to all the akumas. Or at least all the akumas who they could obtain permission from the victims.” Ms Bustier looked at the others and slowly worked through the questions. Most weren’t too interesting to Marinette - where they were eating, when they were leaving, if they would be split into groups.

But then Kim asked, “Hey, wait a sec. Isn’t our boy Adrien among the dummies?”

There was a general murmuring among the class before Chloe loudly cut in, “Well duh. Of course he is! He is a celebrity, after all. The idea he wouldn’t be in the museum… Ridiculous!”

“Yeah?” Alya leaned forward to properly look at Chloe. “I take it you don’t have a statue in there?”

Chloe huffed and looked away. “I’m sure they are working on it. I send them plenty of messages about it, so they can’t have forgotten about it.”

“Is that true, Adrien?” Ms Bustier cut in before Chloe and Alya could keep going at it. Hesitantly, Adrien nodded. “Oh, that’s wonderful! We’ll make sure to visit it.” She addressed the rest of the class. “The bus will be here soon, so wait here and I’ll come and get you once it has arrived.”

Ms Bustier stepped out of the room. The quiet lasted for only a few moments before the din of a half dozen conversations started up. One of which was Nino talking to Adrien. Despite his attempt at a whisper, she could just barely overhear what he was saying.

“You okay, dude? Not excited to see your double?”

Adrien chuckled. “I see myself everywhere. It isn’t that great.” Marinette disagreed, but refrained from interrupting.

“Then what? Something seems on your mind.” He leaned a little closer and Marinette had to struggle to hear him. “Is it something to do with Mari? Don’t think I didn’t notice how you looked at her when she came in.”

His cheeks and ears reddened as he gently shoved Nino away, who was grinning all the while. Adrien glanced backwards and Marinette pretended to be completely engrossed by her phone.

“...Yeah, kinda. But I can’t really talk about it. If that’s okay, bro?”

“Totally. Want to listen to my latest playlist in the meantime?”

Marinette tuned out of the conversation and leaned back. Did she do something wrong? Is he feeling differently about her? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Beside her, someone cleared their throat. She looked at Alya, who had a predatory grin on her face. Clearly, she hadn’t been the only one to hear Nino.

“Girl, you need to spill-”

The classroom door opened and Ms Bustier entered the room. “Alright, everyone. The bus is here - it’s time to go!”

Alya glanced at Marinette, ‘we’ll talk later’ plain in her expression.

Marinette sighed, bracing herself for a long bus ride.

--------------------

“Girl, it’s obvious!” Alya exclaimed, pulling her into a half hug as they stepped off the bus.

“Yeah?” Marinette replied. It didn’t seem obvious at all to her.

“That was Grade A romantic fodder you two went through last night. It was only a matter of time before he woke up and realized what a catch you are, and boom! It happened all in one fell swoop.”

“I don’t know… What if he is just uncomfortable at how close we got?”

“Girl.” Alya stared at her in disbelief. “I’ve watched you fall to pieces in front of that boy for over a year now. I know what it looks like, even if he has a little bit more composure than you do.”

“Great, thanks…” she grumbled.

“Seriously! This is a good thing. And I’m going to prove it.” Before Marinette could ask how, Alya was dragging her by the arm towards the front of the column of students before stopped next to Nino. “Hey, babe. Mind if we tag along with you two today?”

“Sure, no problemo!”

As Alya hooked her arm through Nino’s, she looked back towards Marinette and nudged her head over towards Adrien. She took a deep breath and slide up next to him.

“H-hey!”

“Oh! Um, hi.” He smiled a bit too wide to be at ease. “So, uh… what statues are you planning to look at?”

Yours, in all its beautiful glory. Instead of that, she said, “I was thinking we could go to the akumas exhibit?”

There was a touch of panic in his eyes as he looked at her. “W-why that exhibit specifically?”

She tilted her head curiously at him. “Our… project?”

He laughed nervously. “Oh. Right.”

There was an awkward silence between them, one she couldn’t figure out how to break. Once inside the museum, their class split off into smaller groups. After stopping at a few places along the way, Alya and Nino surreptitiously broke away from Marinette and Adrien. While she appreciated what Alya was trying to do, she really missed the support, especially with Adrien acting weird like this. They entered the room housing all the akuma statues.

For a moment, she was overcome with the monument to her and Chat Noir’s victories. The pedestal in the middle, with Queen Bee, Rena Rouge, and Carapace on the first tier, with a Ladybug and Chat Noir statue raised above them on a podium. Surrounding that display was alcoves with dozens of akumatized victims. It was easy to forget just how many varied akumas they’d beaten over the course of the last year, how much they had overcome. It had felt like such a short time, but also as if they had been fighting forever now.

She looked back at Adrien to see a similar expression of awe on his face. She could only imagine what it must be like for civilians like him to see this. In the middle of her musing, she noticed that he was staring at one statue in particular - Ladybug. Gazing up at her alter ego with all the affection in the world. The realization brought a blush to her face and made her heart flutter. And of course Adrien chose that moment to look back at her.

The same expression he’d been wearing as he stared at the Ladybug statue was now pointed directly at her. He bit his lower lip and turned to face her. Something was clearly on his mind.

“Marinette, I-”

He was cut off by a screaming from somewhere else in the building. The words were lost in the echoing, but Marinette’s phone went off mere moments later. It was an update from the Ladyblog, followed swiftly by a text from Alya - there was an akuma. Just as she was absorbing that information, Adrien had taken her hand and starting running.

“Where are we going?!”

“There are some bathrooms over this way we can hide in while we wait for the akuma to be beaten,” he replied over his shoulder. Soon enough, they stood before the two bathrooms. She was working on an excuse to give him so they would enter different ones when he added, “We should each take a bathroom - make it less likely it will catch both of us.”

The logic was wonky, but she latched onto it, nodding furiously. Just before he ducked inside the bathroom, she caught his overshirt. He looked back at her questioningly.

“...Stay safe, okay?”

He smiled warmly at her, his confidence returned. “For you, boss? I’ll do my best.”

And just like that, the door closed behind him. She took a deep breath and entered the girls’ room.

“Tikki, spots on!”

[morphogenetic]

Is ao no flag worth reading? I went through the tag and why is everyone who's reading suffering?? Damn... :/ are the gays treated badly or what?

ack sorry i didn’t see this earlier anon but excuse me yelling about this a lot because ive been reading this manga since ch 5 and have some STRONG feelings (in a positive way) about it sdlgkhsdkf. sorry for upcoming text wall i can try and space shit out if it’s hard to readokay so: it is absolutely worth reading yes. regardless of anything else that happens, the paneling/composition is fucking worth it alone tbh. it’s gorgeous as fuck, i’ve set specific panels and some of the cover art to be my phone background at certain points its just. oof. man. it’s so fucking good.

like. goddamn. this page in particular is SO fucking good and there’s more shit like this everywhere. i’m honestly in fucking love w the art and panel work it’s so good at show-don’t-tell and it’s just. so well done to boot.putting the really good art aside though: the overall discussions between characters that happen in this manga are fucking incredible. like. even going on beyond just treating gay characters with a level of respect that i wasn’t expecting in a shonen jump property (not the main mag but definitely still really widely read), there’s a really deep discussion of gender roles and the struggles that girls/women have to deal with in japanese society that i wasn’t expecting to see at all but that i deeply, deeply appreciate. also it goes a lot into the struggle of the high school to college transition and just the general idea of not knowing what the hell you want to do with your life and i just. really appreciate those things existing

while the gay characters experience pain, i would not say they are treated badly. i will probably fail at explaining this well while also trying to avoid spoilers lol, but while they are definitely going through some rough shit, it’s not rough shit for the sake of being cruel to them, and as characters they are honestly some of the most well-developed characters gay characters i’ve seen in any media at all, because nothing about them is treated as a joke. they’re both treated with as much respect by the narrative as the (seemingly, i personally doubt the lead is actually straight and there’s some hints as to another main being trans but neither of those are canon so let’s call them straight for now lol) straight charastheir pain isn’t like….punching down, if that makes sense? like yeah they’re going through some shit, but it’s for the sake of the narrative getting a message across,and  their circumstances are actively decried by the narrative as Being Shitty. it’s really not pain  for the sake of just being cruel to fictional gay characters Because The Author Can Be Cruel If They Want To. im trying to think of a good comparison point to this but it’s a struggle, the best comparison i can think of in manga rn that you MIGHT have a point of reference on is how magne is being treated in b/nha right now. (I AM NOT READING BN//HA im not even caught up on the anime slkghsdf but based on what i know of her treatment she seems to be having a rough time of actually being treated like a person.)  anyway i have no idea if i’m explaining this point well at all but hopefully followers of mine reading anf already get what i mean by this, it’s not cruelty for the sake of being cruelthat and like. everyone in this gd manga has some degree of pain, both the ‘straight’ characters are EXTREMELY anxious/depressed and one of the non-leads honestly has one of the most developed internal struggles, to the point where the entire gd fandom collectively had a moment of apology to her because we fucked up THAT bad in reading her personality lmao. this is technically a drama manga, after all, everyone’s dealing with some level of (realistic-to-real-life) internal struggle rn, but there’s no internal-narrative mocking of it. everyone’s issues are treated with respect

there are some things lately (and by ‘lately’ i mean within the last chapter or two) that many people, including myself, have reacted to with some amount of hesitation. anf has a habit of showing one thing and then completely changing your mind about said thing (see: aforementioned non-lead thing). i am not personally happy about it, but this is a monthly manga, so i’m willing to let it play its course for now. totally get the fandom dissatisfaction about it though but i think the good points of the manga up to this point still definitely outweigh itSORRY ANON THIS IS PROBABLY LONGER THAN YOU WERE EXPECTING LOL but yes. anf very good. painful but like. realistic pain and not Just For The Sake of Being Painful

RETROACTIVE EDIT BC IM A DUMBASS: if you’re seeing this and going ‘huh, cool, where can i read this?’ the answer is on the website/app mangaplus, which is a LEGAL, OFFICIAL, AND YET SOMEHOW ALSO FREE way to read a ton of shonen-jump-associated manga, including anf (under the title blue flag). the little volume extras aren’t there but they’re easy enough to find on mangadex and places like that lol

[hanhan156]

Revelations

The fic number 4 for my Stadium Tour series!

I got tired of writing short stories so instead, I wanted to write something longer and continue with the Stadium Tour series.

I tried something new in my writing and had these poems stuck in my head so I couldn't resist using them.

-

Chapter 1: Prelude

~***~

My weakness, my fragility,

My dream, my passion,

My lust for life, the reason for walking on this Earth.

You are my everything.

~***~

The chirring of crickets and the screams of psychedelic colored paradise birds were deafening as he tried his best to proceed in the lush jungle. He was swearing at himself - why he had chosen to wear these unpractical, tight clothes again and why on earth he hadn’t taken a machete with him? Even his dreams were referring to his fashion sense and a lack of preparation for harsh conditions. Richard was still determined: in his heart, he knew that he had to continue, at any costs, even though he wasn’t sure why he was here.

His attention was caught by a movement - an animal? No, it couldn’t be: he heard laughter so it had to be actually someone. Adrenaline rushed in his veins - he couldn’t even believe how fast he was able to run in the difficult conditions with the aid of the hormone.

“Wait!” he shouted when he got a glimpse of a silhouette vaguely, but the figure was still too far. He took a sprint - he couldn’t afford to lose him now when he was so close.

After wading his way through the bushes, Richard had scratches and bruises everywhere. He wondered did he got bitten by a snake as well while his left foot was swollen, but now it didn’t matter - he had something more important to think about.

The jungle ended to a cave and on the entrance of it was the figure he’d been chasing.

Of course, it was him.

“Paul, thank God you are here. What is this all about? What the hell is this lousy place anyway, let’s get out of here.”

The other man smirked but didn’t reply anything - he seemed like he had lost his ability to speak. Instead, he made his way to the cave.

Richard grabbed his fellow guitarist from his arm, refusing to lose him now when he was so close. “Paul, for Christ’s sake, give me answers!”

But Paul shook himself out of the grip and then he was gone - vanished like in thin air. Not a single word, or any kind of hint he had even noticed that Richard had been talking to him.

“Answers, I need answers…” Richard kept repeating. He didn’t even know what answers he wanted - it was like a fixation in his head. “I need answers…and I need you…”

The first dream ended, and it was followed by a brief pause - like a commercial break of his subconscious mind.

Now he was in another setting. Once again, he didn’t have any clue what place it was exactly, but it sure was pleasant with all the palm trees on a long white beach and sun shining brightly. He knew he was looking for something, but he couldn’t put his finger on, what or who - the memories from the last dream had vanished with the commercial break.

But he didn’t have to ponder that for very long when something caught his interest.

When Richard came closer, he saw it more clearly what was it about:  Paul was there with a company of a lot of men and to Richard’s horror, they were way younger - and in his opinion, way better looking - than him. He couldn’t help it but think that what kind of orgy was this.

“What’s going on in here?” he asked and didn’t want to admit the twitch of jealousy in his belly.

“Well, I’m just enjoying my life the fullest.” At least in this dream, Paul seemed to able to speak.

“That sure looks nice,” Richard said and looked around, “can I join you?”

Paul glanced at the other man with narrow eyes. “No, this is my life now, you get your own,” he burst out and laughed, with unusual cruelty. “You really fucking think I’d want to spend my precious life with you? Oh, Kruspe, how naïve you really are...”

Richard blinked his eyes. “B-but we have known for ages… I-I thought we were friends…”

“In that case, I suggest you think again, you lousy example of a human being.” Paul came closer and hissed: “You repulse me… get out of my life. I don’t need you. In fact, my life is much better without you. Our friendship was the biggest mistake I ever made.”

Richard couldn’t believe what he heard. “W-what about all those moments we spent together? The time we…we…kissed?”

“Don’t you even dare to remind me of that disgusting event.” Paul turned his back, leaving Richard sobbing alone at the paradise beach. ”You can still keep dreaming on, I don’t really care!” he shouted the one last time before he was gone.

“Don’t leave me like this…” Richard sobbed, but nobody could hear him. “I…love you.”

The torment ended when Richard woke up to his own screaming - he thanked God that he was alone. Panting heavily on the edge of a panic attack he sat up and threw the sweaty bedsheets away. It was annoying to admit that the nightmares were back but this time, they weren’t about the tour stress - it was something more complicated.

Always when he tried to bury something unpleasant to his subconscious mind, it kept coming back whatever he tried to do.

~***~

Oh how desperately I beg you,

To answer my call,

In the void of the darkest hour.

~***~

“Prost!” the six men yelled cheerfully, taking their tradition tequilas to soothe the nervousness of the upcoming concert. Sharing shots together was supposed to bring good luck - but as the legend told the luck was involved only if you remembered to look at each of your drinking buddies straight in the eyes.

But the one particular pair of eyes Richard desperately wanted to have contact with, ignored him.

“Okay, gotta keep going, we have a show to play,” Paul said and left the room in a hurry. Richard was sure that his friend suddenly turned busy on purpose because he was there.

It had become too familiar: all he had seen from Paul during recent weeks was his back, always heading somewhere.

Somewhere, where Richard wasn’t.

After all, it seemed that the stadium tour - with all its hardships and countless hours of groundwork, arguments and sleepless nights - had started out as a success. Even though performing was Richard’s natural element and he had been waiting for this eagerly, now all the fame and attention felt nonchalant - something was bothering him constantly, like an itch you couldn’t get rid of no matter how hard you tried.

That something was that they hadn’t had proper communication with Paul after that one faithful night - it was already several weeks ago. Richard didn’t even dare to recall how many weeks really.

They both seemed to become masters of excuses: either they were too tired, too busy or something interrupted them when things could have had a chance to get too deep. And what was the worst, was that how evidently Paul avoided him.

I can’t keep going on like this.

Blinking back upcoming tears Richard suddenly realized that he was the only one in the room. Why hadn’t they say anything? Maybe they had, but he had been so deeply in his own thoughts that he hadn’t noticed anything.

For fuck’s sake, try to concentrate now. You have a job to do.

Forcing himself to act, Richard walked to the backstage, grabbing his instrument on the way. His bandmates were already doing their pre-concert rituals when he arrived. Till was opening his voice, isolated in the darkest corner possible. It made him lose his focus if somebody stared at his awkward humming and stretching. For everyone’s relief, Flake had finished his walk already and was for once ready on time. Usually, he tended to take a stroll just in the last minute, losing the sense of time and leading him to arrive late back to the venue - it wasn’t once or twice when the keyboardist had gotten scolding from the others. Even though how modest man Flake was, he was irreplaceable - Du hast or Sehnsucht without keyboard effects would be a disaster. Schneider was doing push-ups - he claimed that exercising helped to handle the physical symptoms of stress. Oliver seemed to be deeply in his own thoughts in a yoga pose, being the calmest of them while Paul was simply being himself, sitting on the floor and smiling - he didn’t have any specific rituals. Richard did the usual: fiddling the fretboard, repeating over and over the riffs he could play even in his dreams. Still, he had all kinds of horror scenarios in his head from a broken string to a guitar being in wrong tuning.

The nerve-wracking waiting seemed to last forever and forever but when Duo Jatekok had hit its last melodies, the roaring audience was desperately waiting to see the reason they had come to the stadium in the first place.

Till appeared from his isolation back with the others. “Okay guys, this is it then.” They formed a circle together and held hands. “Let’s hope the muse is with us tonight and let’s kick some ass - let’s show them something they’ve never seen before. And most importantly, we’ll stick together and support each other, whatever happens there.

Amen.”

“Amen,” they all replied. The atmosphere was ardent - music was indeed like a religion for them.

They placed themselves on the line which had been rehearsed probably a thousand times already. The opening was supposed to be a dramatic introduction of the band, Schneider going there first to pierce the souls of the audience with his mesmerizing bass drum.

While Richard stood right behind their drummer, breathing shallowly, out of nowhere he felt a hand squeezing his shoulder gently. “Vielen Glück.”

When he turned, he startled when he saw who it was. “Good luck to you too…Paul,” Richard replied with a slightly trembling voice and hoped it wasn’t too noticeable.

“Let’s have a hell of a show and see you on the stage.” Paul smiled so adorably that Richard’s heart melted just a tiny bit.

“Yeah, same to you….” he mumbled when the other guitarist was already back in his own place.

The focus was once again gone. Richard exhaled and closed his eyes. Okay, now concentrate for Christ’s sake. Emotional shit can wait. Don’t let your feelings ruin your performance. Let’s deal with this later.

In his heart he knew that tonight, after the concert, he had to do something for this situation - it couldn’t continue like this, them both avoiding each other and just occasionally communicating awkwardly. It was far from normal when even Paul’s slightest presence alarmed him. Overanalyzing had already made him crazy.

Richard decided that tonight, he had to stop being a coward and drag Paul somewhere and tell him.

But what could he say exactly?  

It was difficult to tell but at least he wished from the bottom of his heart that they could be their normal selves again if it was even possible anymore.

I have to do it. Tonight. No lousy excuses anymore.

Richard wasn’t sure which one was more stressing: playing a concert for thousands of people or confessing his love and longing for his long-time friend.

In this case, perhaps, the latter.

After an announcement in Spanish, the atmosphere turned serious and nobody spoke or joked anymore. Even though how many times they had done this it was always like the first time - every concert acted as it’s own and you’d never know what was going to happen. That was the scariest, yet the most fascinating part of being a musician and this was the thing Richard knew he was born to do. He was totally hooked to the feeling music was able to give him - it was like a drug, but a million times better.

He also knew that he couldn’t get rid of this group of friends he had grown so attached to during the many years spent together. His destiny was bound to them - especially to the one for whom he was ready to do anything. Even throw himself into a lion’s den, if necessary.

When Royal Fireworks’ last notes faded, Schneider took a step forward and raised his thumb up, turning to his bandmates the one last time. “Let’s give them a night of their lives,” he whispered, before entering the stage with a smirk.

Richard squeezed his guitar with sweaty hands - only a couple of seconds was left for his turn. “Please, don’t fail tonight,” he muttered at himself. Give me strength for this and for the rest of the evening, whatever will happen, he prayed in his mind but didn’t know to whom exactly.

[stokan]

The Top 20 Things of 2019

1. “Shallow” at The Oscars How can something be so anticipated, so hyped, so seemingly bigger than the freaking Oscars themselves, and yet still somehow exceed all expectations? We now know the answer: by completely subverting them. That’s why it makes perfect sense that the greatest moment of Lady Gaga’s career would be the simplest one. Her and Bradley Cooper simply standing up from their seats still gives me chills every time I watch it (and I’ve watched it A LOT). And the close up on their faces needs to be shown in sex ed classes.

If I could travel back in time, sure going back to kill baby Hitler would be great, but mostly I’d just want to go back to the exact second the curtain starts to raise on this performance, before I knew where it was headed next.

2. Olivia Colman winning Best Actress at The Oscars If you think it’s weird that there are two separate things from the same awards show on my list of the top things from the entire year, then, well, you’ve come to the wrong place.

This is the absolute platonic ideal of someone winning an Oscar. Our genuine shock at hearing their name, THEIR genuine shock at hearing their name, the genuine emotion from everyone involved, a speech that is heartfelt, human, funny, and charming in a way that only a true star could ever dream of being, all in equal measure. And it’s all part of a YouTube clip you can watch endlessly and find new things every time. (Glenn Close’s reaction when she loses is like an entire drama in and of itself.) Sure awards shows may be dumb, but then also, this is why they’re not.

3. Sharon Van Etten - “Seventeen” in advance of this year’s Oscars I just want to be on record that my favorite movie from 2019 about aging, feeling that life is passing you by, grappling with mortality, the passage of time, and the generation coming up behind you is Closing My Eyes And Listening To “Seventeen” By Sharon Van Etten. It has it all: the creeping melancholy and regret, the sense of doom that you try to dance away, the feeling that the past was maybe just a dream, the urge to yell into an increasingly uncaring void.

Part of the curse of aging is everyone becoming their own Casandra. Now you know, but no one will listen. And part of the joy of aging is realizing it doesn’t really matter if they do.

4. The writing on Succession

“Proof that, as long as the writing is there, TV doesn’t need to be anything more than people having conversations in rooms.” - theringer.com

I have a rule with these year end lists that I can’t feature something I’ve listed in a previous year. But it’s actually illegal to write about the best of 2019 without mentioning Succession. So I’m going to get around my self-imposed rule by this year specifically highlighting the writing on the show.

The amazing thing about Succession is how watchable it is not despite, but almost BECAUSE of the fact that not much actually happens. People talk a lot about things they are GOING to do, or MIGHT do, but there’s not a ton of actual DOING. And that’s actually great, because what we’re really here for is the talking. Every character talks with the biting wit of an Armando Iannucci character, the deep intelligence of an Aaron Sorkin character, and the realism of an actual human being. I find myself constantly rewinding just to make sure I took in the brilliance of each dialogue exchange. And literally every line Kieran Culkin is given to say would be the best line of the entire season on 90% of the shows on TV.

Everyone talks about how great the acting on Succession is, and rightly so, but actors are nothing without good words to say. And on Succession, to paraphrase a president of the United States that I’m sure ACN would love, they have the best words.

5. The chemistry of Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein in Booksmart My favorite movie of 2017 was Lady Bird. My favorite movie of 2018 was Eighth Grade. So suffice it to say I was well prepared for how much I loved Booksmart. But what I was not prepared for at all was the incredible chemistry of two actors I had previously never even heard of before: Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein. It feels impossible that the two of them aren’t real-life best friends. Life-long friendship is such a specific bond it feels impossible to fake, and yet somehow Kaitlyn and Beanie pulled the magic trick off. Experiencing the giddy contact high of their chemistry felt like being in the presence of a miracle. And anyone who says the romantic comedy is dead clearly didn’t see Booksmart, because maybe the best romantic comedy of the decade was the story of two people realizing the deepest, purest, most unique love of all can sometimes be the love you have for your best friend.

6. Fleabag Season 2 What on earth is there left to say about Fleabag that hasn’t already been said? And yet somehow even with all the discourse about this show it has still maintained its status as the rare cultural phenomenon with a 100% approval rating. To be as massive and as beloved as Fleabag and yet inspire zero backlash, not even a stray contrarian take from an online troll, feels impossible, and yet also, in the case of Fleabag, totally right. If (the now VERY problematic) Louie was the beginning of giving people money to make their idiosyncratic, personal, not-quite a drama not-quite a comedy TV shows, then Fleabag is the end. The apex of the art form. There’s nowhere to go from here but down. 2019 was the year television finally peaked. It was the year we all witnessed perfection. And it was the year that we fittingly all had a priest to guide us there.

7. Chelsea Peretti’s monologue at the WGA Awards Ironic that the year that proved that awards shows don’t need hosts is also the same year that gave maybe the best example ever of what a great awards show host can do. Chelsea goes so far inside baseball it gives new meaning to the phrase “corker”, and it’s all the better for it.

8. Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride If you don’t think Father of the Bride is the best album of 2019 then congrats on not being a late-30s straight white man. But as a late-30s straight white man myself I’ve got two big things going for me:

1.) A life that has benefited from a history of privilege and near-total control over society stretching from the beginnings of civilization up until today 2.) An understanding that Father of the Bride is the best album of 2019

But what about Bon Iver and Wilco and The National and Sturgill Simpson and Big Thief, didn’t they all put out albums for late-30s straight white men this year you ask? To which I say: did any of those albums have a song on them called “Unbearably White”? No they did not! And that sort of ironic self-awareness is the kind of shit that has fueled a million straight white male sketch comedy scenes. It is the air we breathe. Also, have you heard “Harmony Hall” lately? Or “This Life”? Or “Stranger”? I mean, come on, leaving Brooklyn to make your “settled down in LA” album is the sort of late-30s straight white guy catnip James Murphy could only DREAM ABOUT. I may not have much these days, other than unlimited power and privilege, but at least I will always have Vampire Weekend, and they will always have me.

9. Lizzo Every year there is one thing that defines the year. One thing that 50 years in the future when someone mentions that year, it will be the first thing that pops into everyone’s head. And in America for 2019 that thing will be the impeachment of Donald Trump. But if there is a second thing, then it’s Lizzo. She was there when the year started, only got bigger as the year progressed and was arguably still getting more popular as the year ended. And she was everywhere. She was on massive stages and behind tiny desks. She was at the movies, she was on TV, she was coming out of every open car window. And she was definitely at every wedding you went to this year. Lizzo WAS 2019.

With the impeachment of Donald Trump I don’t know how far down the presidential line of succession we have to go before we get to Lizzo, but I know we would all be better off if we would hurry up and get there. Lizzo is the best of us.

10. This picture of Baby Yoda 

Ok I was wrong. Take everything I said about Lizzo and double it for This Picture Of Baby Yoda (you know the one, or if you don’t, click the link above). On the wikipedia entry for the year 2019 that definitely needs to be the picture. 

11. Kodi Lee on America’s Got Talent I realize you probably weren’t sitting around watching America’s Got Talent this summer. I certainly wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t happened to be working the live show tapings. But lemme tell you, if you didn’t see the show, you missed out on something truly magical this year. Something that makes you rethink what human beings are capable of. Something that goes so far beyond inspirational that I don’t think our language has a word to fully express it. Kodi Lee is a real life superhero, and provoking emotion is his superpower. Making it thru a full Kodi Lee performance without crying should be the new Turning Test. Forget America; Humans Have Talent indeed.

12. Taylor Swift - “Cruel Summer” Look I didn’t expect to ever find another “Teenage Dream”, but, well, here we are. I mean, a Taylor Swift single produced by Jack Antonoff and co-written by Annie Clark is pretty much genetically engineered to be one of my favorite things ever, but still: wow. Do the kids still use the term “banger”? Because if so, this is why the term was invented. I would have more to say about how great the rest of Lover is as well, but sorry, I gotta go now. I have to listen to “Cruel Summer” for the eight millionth time.

13. Michelle Williams in Fosse/Verdon If there was an award for best acting performance in any medium this would be the clear winner for 2019. In fact, can you win an EGOT for one single performance? What about a Nobel Prize? I can’t come up with an award or a title big enough to truly honor Michelle Williams’ work in Fosse/Verdon.

As a fellow actor very rarely a performance will come along that will make me think: ok we’re done here. Let’s all the rest of us pack it up and go home, because someone just won acting. This is one of those performances. So congrats to Dame Michelle Williams, you’re the new Pope.

14. American Factory My favorite line in all of Shakespeare is “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. And nothing is evidence of that more than the piece of art I have thought about most this year: the documentary American Factory (available on Netflix right now!). So many of the things we in western societies believe are universal bedrock virtues and value are in fact simply products of the society in which we were raised. Individualism, personal expression, autotomy, the importance of leisure time, and so many other things, are not absolute human values, only relative ones. What is important to someone in America, can be ridiculous and incomprehensible to someone in China. And vice versa. And neither side is right or wrong, only thinking makes it so.

American Factory is documentary that doesn’t say WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW WAS WRONG, but instead shows something that is perhaps even more powerful: what if everything you know is simply just that, a thing you know.

15. White Claw Life is an endless parade of infinite options, possibilities, and choices. So I have no idea how you personally chose to spend your 2019. With one exception: I Know What You Did Last Summer. You drank an alcoholic seltzer water. Probably many of them, but at least one. At a park, at a beach, in a backyard, definitely at a party. If at some point this summer your paws weren’t wrapped around a White Claw (or a similar product) then you didn’t actually experience 2019. Because this is the year we all collectively got obsessed with combining America’s two hottest drink trends: flavored sparkling water and…hold on, lemme look up the name of this stuff…alcohol?

History may record summer 2019 as Hot Girl Summer, but those us who actually lived it know the truth: it was Hard Seltzer Summer

16. Marriage Story A movie that fundamentally misunderstands things I care about deeply - theater, Los Angeles, how the entertainment industry works - is my favorite movie of the year because of how deeply it gets right the thing I care about most: human beings. The way we talk, the way we behave, the way we love, the way we hurt, the way we create bonds that never fully go away. It’s been said a lot, but part of the beauty and magic of this movie is that it doesn’t take sides. Both people are right and both of them are wrong. And that’s how human relationships often work in real life, but rarely in art. There are no heroes, there are no villains; there’s only being alive.


(Also, Adam Driver, Imma let you finish, but Raul Esparza doing “Being Alive” is one of my favorite YouTube clips of ALL TIME. If you ever need to weep uncontrollably and you don’t have time to watch Marriage Story, then Raul Esparza’s “Being Alive” will do the trick)

17. Lil Nas X - “Old Town Road” “What kind of music do you like” used to be a very important question. Your sense of identity used to be defined by the type of music you listened to and what that choice said about you. But now music-as-cultural-signifier is as dead as the concept of owning music itself. Rap music is for elementary school kids. Country music is made by queer black Americans collaborating with Dutch teenagers. Billy Ray Cyrus and Korean pop stars appear on remixes of the same song. A song about an old road and an antiquated mode of travel becomes a massive hit thru the brand new music app TikTok. What kind of music do we like in 2019? All of the “kinds” of music at once, in one marvelously inescapable two minute burst of joy. Music is dead; long live music.

18. Chernobyl If you thought it was crazy that the year’s biggest song was a novelty country/hip-hop track by an unsigned artist rapping about trying to find parking for his horse, then wait until you find out what the summer’s biggest hit TV show was about! I mean, nothing screams “summer fun” like nuclear radiation and shooting dogs. But as always, no one ever truly knows what people will want until you give it to them. And clearly what we really wanted in our LOL Nothing Matters age was a captivating reminder that life on earth truly could end at any moment. Some things very much DO matter. And that something as dramatic, devastating, and consequential as Chernobyl could have happened in the fairly recent past and already have been largely forgotten about is incredible. But if you can take such a compelling story and tell it as well as the makers of Chernobyl did, then people will watch and learn and better understand an issue of vital importance, no matter how seemingly uncommercial it might be. So in a very 2019 sentence: thank you creator of the the Hangover franchise for your miniseries about a 1980 Russian power plant explosion. It was our collective summer obsession. (2019 was a weird year.)

19. Raphael Bob-Waksberg - Someone Who Will Love You In All You Damaged Glory

“I think about how loving someone is kind of like being president, in that it doesn’t change you, not really. But it brings out more of the you that you already are.”

Back in the day, Raphael Bob-Waksberg had a tumblr that was so good it both single-handedly inspired me get much better and writing my thoughts and putting them on the internet (thus what you are reading right now) and intimidated me out of doing it more often (why I now do this only once a year). In fact, I’m almost positive I had his tumblr listed as one of my top things of a year in the past, which is really the highest honor a tumblr account can receive. It was one of the single most impactful forces in the direction of my creative life. And now Raphael has taken the voice that created that tumblr and created my favorite TV show (BoJack Horseman) and wrote my favorite ever Craigslist post, and used it to create a book about love and loss and being human. And it feels like a wonderful treasure that was written just for me. It IS my worldview, expressed better than I ever possibly could. When I meet people now rather than doing the usual introductory small talk I am just going to hand them a copy of this book.

20. The New One - Mike Birbiglia Speaking of art that felt deeply personal to me…just hearing even a rough outline of the story Mike Birbiglia tells in The New One was enough to start me on a path of perhaps reconsidering one of my most deeply held beliefs. By talking about parenthood in a refreshingly honest and shockingly open way, he is able to possibly change lives. I know finally actually seeing the show in person (and it’s now available on Netflix) felt like a possible turning point in mine. Is it theater? Is it standup? Does it matter? Here’s what there are no questions about: it’s hilarious and deeply felt and perfectly constructed. It’s an absolute master class in story telling. And it’s my favorite thing I saw this year.

[post-itpenny]

Ghost

The next part in the story. Not going to lie this got rather trippy. Tagging @grotesquegabby and @clownsgobeepbeep

Maggie dragged herself around the mannor’s attic. It was a quieter place well away from anyone so she could hide there during most of the day. Plus Billy had collected some cool stuff over the years, it was a good distraction.

However soon it had grown late and she had no choice but to go out and find food. Dragging herself down from the attic and through quiet hallways. Dragged was the key word, she had gotten through the worst of her heat but the feathers had not molted yet. They felt so much heavier than usual and slunk around with her wings and tail feathers dragging the round like some demented dragon.

After a small dinner she crawled into bed, miserable. She hated feeling so ugly and uncomfortable, she missed Magpie so much having not heard from her in nearly a week.

Maggie hugged her pillow tight as she drifted off, at least there was a silver lining in all this…

Maggie opened her eyes to the awareness that her body was completely numb.

She waited for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. Finding that in her sleep she had wrapped her arms, legs, and even wings around a now trapped Billy. How did she get her wings around him? Was he ok? Could he breathe?

Billy however seemed to be sleeping soundly, well good for him she guessed.

Maggie had found that she had not been sleepwalking the past week, her body apparently had zero desire to leave Billy’s side leaving her with far more control than usual.

Plus, she had learned a cool new trick.

Maggie got up and left the bed, her body staying behind as well.

It wasn’t some form of sleep paralysis, at least it wasn’t like anything she had read up on. She felt asleep yet as she wondered the hall there was an awareness, the sense of actually being there.

When she lost the extra feathers she planned to speak with Calliope about this whole “going ghost” thing or whatever it was. Until then she explored.

Her first stop was to Amaranthus to chase away whatever nightmare she was having that night. Billy had been doing what he could in the daytime but he couldn’t protect Ama in her sleep. But that was where Maggie came in.

Tonight she decided on unicorns, Amaranths immediately came up with her own addition of her dad riding around on one. Not for the first time, Maggie sorely wished she could have brought a camera with her.

Afterwards Maggie found herself slipping into boredom. She had wondered all of the house, including all the rooms Billy had specifically told her not to go into.

This proved problematic when she visited the basement. She still had no idea how to bring this up with Billy.

So now she wondered the grounds. She liked being outside like this, she couldn’t touch anything but watching the flowers droop and close up as if going to bed for the night was pure magic to her. The world had a burly dreaminess to it and for the most part she was content to sit there all night.

There was a soft tug, alerting Maggie from her stupor.

She still had her wings in this form, why not go visit?

Maggie felt like a shadow as she soared over the clouds. It wasn’t quite as fun without the feeling of the wind in her face but it was peaceful.

That was until something gave her a jolt.

It was at the top of her head, the very real sensation of a hand smoothing her hair. Maggie hummed in contentment, nearly falling out of the sky.

She touched down on top of a house, looking around to see where she was and was surprised to find herself sinking through the roof. She struggled at first but everything felt sluggish and slow, finding it akin to fighting quicksand.

She fell down into a hallway and looked at the pictures on the walls, recognizing the people in the photos.

“Jelly is going to be so pissed if she knew I was doing this,” Maggie mused to herself. Then again she was kind of sleepwalking in a way, how did she even know this just wasn’t some kind of elaborate dream?

Maggie felt the tug again, slipping into what she recognized as Ula’s room only now there were to sleeping axolotls. The world flashed, the image of several axolotls scurrying around the room flashed before her eyes but it was gone as fast as it came, how odd.

Maggie was pulled forwards then falling. Down, down, down. For a moment there was nothing. Then, an explosion of pastels. A neon sea filled with colorful axolotls, Ula watching them all as she floated along in a giant teacup.

Maggie giggled, Ula looked towards her with a frown. Maggie waved and tried to climb into the tea cup.

“Hey Ula, what's that island over there?” Maggie asked, pointing at abright landmass in the distance. “Lets go explore it together.”

Ula’s frown deepened, “I don’t know what you are but I’m going to wake up now.”

Maggie panicked, “W-wait Ula it’s-”

Ula shoved Maggie out of the teacup then disappeared. The world around Maggie dissolved and instead of plunging back into the sea she fell into a dark, dark void.

Maggie felt a deep fear at first. Some primal thing in the back of her brain telling her to run, to get away. But where was she to run to?”

So she floated in a state of nothingness. At one point she felt the sensation of something nudging her shoulder but it passed quickly.

Maggie couldn’t be sure if her eyes were opened or closed but this was beyond any darkness she had known could exist.

Maggie vaugl recalled that even before electric lights were a thing the darkest part of the night was never truly without light. Back then one could see a plethora of stars making up for even when the moon was in its new phase.

But this? This was nothing, but it did not feel empty.

“Am I dead?” Maggie asked herself.

“No,” The Void answered back, “death is far more than this.”

Maggie felt the primal fear from earlier return, but an acute awareness that whatever this was, it was practicing a great deal of patience with her.

“Where am I?” She asked.

The Void hummed but did not truly answer, this was something she would have to come to understand on her own.

Maggie realized then that she was not actually speaking with anyone, rather the responses were there and intermingled with her thoughts.

“Am I crazy?”

“No, but you have wandered too far out. You weren’t ready for this.”

“What am I doing then?” The redhead asked.

“What do you think?”

To be honest, she didn’t know.  Actually now that she thought about it how did she get here? Where did she come from?

Wait…

“What was her name again? What was a “her” anyways?”

The thing that floated in the void was riddled with too many thoughts that blended and merged together, and none of it made sense. Any previous knowledge seeming to be scrubbed out the longer she looked around at the never-ending blackness.

It frightened the thing, one emotion it could still understand the meaning of.

“Not ready, not strong enough.” The Void  sighed, “but so close. I am the space on the edge of anything, I am everywhere and nowhere and its absence. Know me like she does and I am your highway. Go back little one.”

There was a sharp tug along several points of the thing’s body. Three spots in its throat, five along its back. Pulling it along like on a string towards somewhere else.

Maggie opened her eyes to a sight so familiar it was almost comforting. She laid there for a time, regaining herself yet forcing the memories of what had happened to stay put. Could the two not exist in the same plain then?

But she insisted that they did. There was something important that had happened, a conversation that she was not ready to have but did.

Somewhere deep down in the lights that made up Maggie’s throat there was the feeling of a soft “click” as if something fell into place. Her vision was no longer blurry and dreamy, her body felt solid.

“Growth,” came the last echoes of The Void. “Maybe you are ready.”

Maggie blinked in confusion, ready for what?

She sighed when there was no answer, whatever it was had left her in this new place, but she was fine with it, she knew her way around.

Maggie sat up and observed the colored strings around her, thousands of timelines lighting up an endless darkness. Perhaps this was near that space of nothing she had been in. But this place was alive and familiar, her eyes to the world and its potential. A colorful array of glowing colored strings that twisted and tangled with each other and split off in infinite directions.

Existence was beautiful like that.

Maggie wondered the timelines, she felt far more physical in this space than she ever had before. Perhaps this was the answer to her problem.

She quickly found the fixed point she needed to get rid off. It wasn’t like Ula who was a bundle of knots firmly anchored in the timelines of others. This was like… a ghost wandering around and sticking to timelines. A very specific timeline actually.

Maggie hated it.

She looked up and a powerfully bright string that towered above the others. She had encountered a similar thing with Calliope’s thread, so this must be Bridgette.

There was another thread nearby that burned just as brightly. Who was this?

Maggie took a deep breath. Reaching out to touch Bridgette’s thread only for it to burn her fingers.

Maggie gasped in pain and stumbled back into the other bright thread. This one apparently she could touch.

Oh

Maggie saw a thousand possibilities at once, each one of great importance. She stumbled away in fear and had to sit down for a minute to stop her shaking.

She had never had a vision that was so clear. It was almost too much.

Maggie reaches out to grab a random thread nearby. Again the visions came with far too much intensity.

Maggie had a severe headache, something she had not had in a terribly long time. Her skull pounding to the point that tears were in her eyes.

Maggie took a deep breath and steadied herself, the. Grabbed onto the bright thread from before. Beginning a long search for answers.

Maggie woke up to late afternoon sunlight and a very worried Billy.

On a positive note, she had at long last started to molt her feather.

She sat on the bed with Billy snuggled close to him. For a long time they talked, she didn’t mention the void part though. She didn’t quite understand that yet.

“So to make a long story short,” Maggie sighed. “I have a plan to get rid of the fixed point. The problem is most possibilities end really badly.”

Billy frowned, “badly for you?”

Maggie shook her head, fighting back tears, “no. B-but I think I can change it! I just… need a little help.”

[maiakana]

Accent - Lee Felix

Stray Kids

masterlist

Key: fluff, humor, honestly some ranting haha

Characters: reader x felix

Count: 3.1k words

Part: 1 2 3

Description: who knew a late night run to the grocery store also meant running into a boy with a peculiar voice, literally.

Note: this was my first chapter of a fic I wanted to write but I kinda liked it as a one shot so here we go! I’m still learning so bare with the writing and mistakes! most likely will make a part 2 or 3 but no promises segrtergsefb

GIF Originally Posted by @felixeslee

You tugged your scarf closer to your face as you walked down the streets of Seoul. You were creating a mental map in your head of the area surrounding you.

Although you've been living in Seoul for 3 years already, you haven't quite gotten the hang of going around. Having almost no other connections in the country has also been making it more difficult.

The words were ringing in your ears, the lingering chill that spiked down your spine, as if they were just spoken.

"Y/N I forbid you, I swear you better come back here before you regret it."

Old news you didn’t need to think about, baggage you were still letting go.

It was later in the night, most residents and tourists have retreated into their homes and hotels by now.

However, a good handful of people were still milling about, friends hanging out, adults having late night drinks, or late night shopping. Specifically grocery shopping, which was where you fell in the categories.

The streets were illuminated by golden glows and neon colored signs, advertising hole-in-the-wall restaurants and tourist attractions. Instead, what caught your eye was everyone's fan favorite: the 24 hour convenience store, it indeed deserved that name.

A breeze from outside rushed behind you as you entered the store, your brown hair flew around your face, along with your scarf. You grabbed a basket with one hand as the other is busy trying to tame your airborne hair.

You started down the aisles, picking out the cheapest food items and ingredients you could find. The life of a student.

There was no one else in the store but the cashier, an old man who was busy watching the small TV monitor on the wall and counting money at the register, most likely his earnings from earlier in the day.

You hadn’t gone grocery shopping in a long time, living in a small dorm by yourself didn’t really prompt a lot of needs that needed to be replenished often. Not to mention your lack of eating, sometimes remembering mealtimes was easier said than done.

You filled your basket with the last few snacks that your hands could grabbed before striding towards the register. You politely greeted the cashier, reaching into the pocket of your long coat and pulling out a few coupons and cash, ready to hand them over.

While the old man scanned your items, you noticed all the posters and pictures plastered all over the wall behind him.

Idol groups: boys and girls alike, all very beautiful, a little unreal you might add. Many of them were group photo shoots but some had members individual headshots.

You recognized many groups displayed, from the big-shots like BTS, EXO, and Twice. To upcoming phenomenons like NCT's 18 member super group, just to name a few.

A sad smile curved on your lips, you had a push and pull relationship with idol groups, never quite cemented your opinions on them.

You've never had a issues with the idols themselves, in fact you used to be a huge fan, following so many groups, listening to their music, and even learning their fanchants, the whole shabang. That was the pull towards the appeal. Idols used to be your role models for as long as you could remember.

Repeat that: used to be.

The industry that produced Idols was what killed your appeal. That's the push. When you were younger you had no idea what it took to be in the limelight of the idol industry, of the trainee life.

But who could you blame, a majority of the world never knows that it takes to be successful, you were no different.

Over time, the idea of boys and girls your age being subjected to their looks and physical appearance, whether their voices were deemed alright, and collapsing from over exerting their bodies dancing. It was all too much for you, even as someone on the side lines.

Don't even get yourself started on the negatives of the fans and fandoms. However, the only light to shed on this was that at least Kpop isn’t the only industry that had extremes among those that enjoy it. Western music fans that were toxic over there, were just as extreme too.

You knew that most fans were regular people and just enjoy the music and the bands but sometimes the polarizing few become too much. Maybe it's human nature to have bad apples everywhere.

One incident you remembered a few years ago was the Shinee’s Taemin and APink’s Eaeun situation. A perfect example of the viciousness of fans and their hate and outbursts whenever they saw their idols do something they don't like.

They'd stalk, harass, and belittle anyone that was even in a 10 ft vicinity of the star. Following them around saying disgusting insults, hammering the nails even further. You don't think you’ve ever seen two people in such distress before.

It was such a shame really, for all we know Shinee's makane may have really loved her like he said on the show.

Now years later, the two are left to only avoid each other on stages and music shows when their groups cross paths. Minimizing contact at all cost to protect Eaeun from further harassment for just being around him.

And that wasn't even a scandal, some fans just couldn't stand their oppa being potentially happy with another person.

to be honest that whole section was me being emo after I watched so many videos about it and for all i know none of it was true or real or it was real and they were hurt because of it, either way i don’t feel like deleting it so sorry to anyone annoyed by it lmao

Although idols weren’t on your radar anymore, you would always know of them, it's inevitable. You were living in the time where they were growing the most international.

Music has always been a love of yours and that's all you’ve been focusing on ever since you came to Seoul. That's probably the last connection you had to idols, your love for music, your love for what you do.

The old man finished ringing you up, bagging all of your groceries and handing you the receipt.

"Hold on dear," the elder said, as he crouched down and shuffled with something under the desk.

Restlessly, you tapped your fingers against the counter. Looking around at all the idol merchandise, your eyes were drawn on to the TV monitor.

"N E X T  W E E K  O N  M N E T!" 

On the TV screen, many different clips of a few boys wearing dark clothes in a dance studio flashed by. There was a voice over, by an older man, explaining the tasks the trainees had to overcome. It was an idol survival show.

In some flashes they were sitting in a half circle talking intensely, in others they were dancing to choreography as one person sat out giving thorough feedback. However, the last clip showed a lot of the boys individually, either writing lyrics or practicing the lines.

You had barely caught the large strikingly red S and K at the end of the clip before the old man bounced up from searching below, stealing your attention again.

"Aha I found it!"

He brought out a small booklet, as if it was a manual you’d get along with a new speaker you'd buy. A manual it was not. You looked at the cover featuring a subtle sky blue with the Hangul lettering in white.

SCOUTING: COMPANY AUDITION & EMPLOYMENT INFORMATION

"You, young lady, look like these idol kids that are hung up on this wall," he gestured behind him while placing the small book into one of the bags. "We're given these little things all the time by a handful of companies to 'scout for rough potential.’ We only give them out during the day but since you're here so late I figured why not give you one eh?"

You stared oddly at the bags full of your food and now with a book that's basically a catalog of idol company hotlines. Looking back and forth between the wall of posters and the old man's kind smile you felt your cheeks blush at the gesture as you hesitantly smiled back.

"Uhh . . . thank you sir you are very generous," you stiffly bow, thanking him for the bags, still slightly baffled by the idol comment.

Ironic. You still remembered being told the same thing once, but that it’d be the only thing you’d be known for.

How superficial.

To save yourself from further embarrassment you briskly headed for the door. The chilly fall air brushed against your cheek, the bags in your hands slightly swaying due to the quick pace. Walking only a few feet away from the convenience store, you looked down at the bags thinking about what the man said.

Yeah right, become an idol your ass.

Before you could look up you felt your right shoulder collide into another figure, earning a loud yelp from the both of you. You dropped your bags as you stumbled slightly losing your balance while the other person, who you realized was a guy, stumbled on his step too.

The guy reached his hands out and gripped your arms on both sides steadying you. Because of the small tug from his motion, you had accidentally taken a step towards him, slightly closing the space between you guys.

"Are you alright?" a deep voice asked, filled with concern. Shocked, our eyes flickered to meet his. English?

He had ebony brown hair parted on the left side of his face. It was a tad longer than most of the men’s hair you see around but the way it flowed just to his eyebrows perfectly framed his sharp pale face.

He was decked in all black clothing, sneakers and all. He was only maybe 3 or 4 inches taller than you yet his dark hoodie and jeans seemed to make his figure tower over you. His jaw was angular, skin a little paler than yours and lightly dusted across his nose and cheeks were freckles.

bahaha apparently he is 5' 7  rn its okay tho because i’m hella short

"Yeah I am,"  you mumbled back, stunned by his dark eyes staring down at you.

He grinned at you showing of a white smile. He gently let go of your arms and crouched down to pick up the fallen bags. "I think we're both going to run into something worse than each other someday if we don't pay attention to where we're going."

You quirked up an eyebrow. "You speak English?"

"I don’t know, does it sound like I'm speaking Spanish?" he chuckled at his own joke. 

His voice was like the ocean itself. A deep flowing tone, miles under sea level, it was a complete contrast from the pretty face it was coming from.

Your ears seemed to ring listening to his voice. An accent of some sort? It wasn't an American accent like your own, nor was it European, it was distinct. You couldn't really put a finger on it.

"Don't take offense to this but are you a foreigner too?" you questioned.

"Hmm I wonder what gave it away," he flashed you an amused look, carefully handing over the bags full of your groceries. "But yes I am, you?"

"I guess we're both in the foreigners club here," you said looking up at him. "I'm from the States."

"Ahh so I got an American on my hands."

You furrowed your eyebrows at him half amused and half curious.

"And what's that supposed to mean huh?" you shot back. He laughed at your counter, the happy sound echoing through the street.

"I knew you couldn't have been another Aussie," he shoved his hands in his pockets, tilting his head a bit, as if thinking about how he wants to form his next comment. "Your accent made that clear, love."

You couldn’t help but giggle at his words, him following suit. So he's Korean Australian, that's new. 

You thought it was only the British that said love.

An electronic ding rings out of the boy's jacket. Quickly pulling his hands out of his pocket with a phone in grip, he opened up the device to view a message he just received.

Sighing, he typed a quick reply to the other person on the other end. You noticed the slight bags under his eyes as his faces was illuminated from the phone. His posture was relaxed but slightly rigid in some movements.

He was clearly exhausted.

When he looked back at you, you took a step back putting some distance between each other, bending down and respectfully bowed to him, greeting him in Korean.

He bowed and greeted you back.

"I'm sorry for bumping into you, I didn't realize it was possible to bump into someone in plain sight," he said, shyly scratching the back of his neck.

You waved him off. "It's okay, I should've been watching where I was going but thank you for helping me."

"It's the least I can do after I sent you spiraling," he replied. He flinched as a few more buzzes went of from his phone, clearly whoever was texting him wasn't willing to wait much longer.

Time to go.

"Looks like my fellow foreigner has to go," You said, tilting your head to the side. "Seems urgent."

"Just my hyungs," he sighed, rubbing his eyes a little. "It was my turn to get snacks for home. Didn't realize I was on a time frame though."

"Lose a bet?"

"Something like that," he said. He held a hand out with the same grin on his face from before. "Well Miss America it was nice bumping into you."

You reached out to shake his hand.

His big hand I'm sorry I snorted writing this haha was warm, delicately holding onto your smaller one, they seemed to tingle at the touch. "I could say the same thing too, Aussie."

You let go of each other hands and exchange a small bow again. The brown haired boy started a step towards the convenience store until he paused and turned back to look at you. He seemed to be debating if it was worth to ask you something.

"Are you busy tomorrow?" He asked.

"Haven't even known each other for an hour," you jokingly raised an eyebrow at him. "Straight forward I see."

He laughed while taking off his beanie, running his fingers through his hair a little. He played the edges of his sweatshirt looking a way a bit, fidgeting.

"Well if you aren't doing anything tomorrow night you should come to Sinchon. I heard there's a lot of busking in the streets since it'll be Friday," he rushed.

"And you want me to come watch with you?" you pressed back. It was an interesting hang out choice for sure, but he's sparked your curiosity. You wanted to mess with him a little longer. "How will I find you? Doesn't seem safe to just give my phone number to a stranger I met on the street. I mean come on we haven't even exchanged names."

His face perked up. Clearly surprised that you were playing along with him. "It's Felix, Lee Felix. And what does my favorite foreigner call themselves?

"Ha ha ha you think you're so witty don't you? I'm Min y/n."

His eyes glistened under the city lights, you felt your heart pound faster at the way his face changed into content after learning your name. "So what do you say miss y/n? Care to join a night of fun with your favorite foreigner?"

"Hmm, maybe you'll see me there," you joked sarcastically. "How am I supposed to turn down the offer of a lifetime?"

You weren’t lying to be honest, even though the idea of watching some buskers was interesting, you weren’t completely sure if you could go. You had a long schedule for tomorrow but you didn't have the heart to ruin his excitement.

Felix's hand shot down back into his pocket to fish out his phone again before handing it to you looking away quickly, avoiding your eyes.

"Maybe you'll feel better if we had a way to let each other know when we'll be there," he mumbled, his cheeks tinting a bit pink.

"Is that how you're going to ask for my number?"

"If it's working then yes."

Laughing at his honestly you gingerly took the phone out of his hands and put in your number. His fingers lightly brushed against your own causing tingles to travel up your hands. 

Ignoring the flutters in your stomach, you frantically typed in your info, becoming very embarrassed every time you made a typo. Feeling a heavy gaze watching you, you had barely missed the small comment that slipped out of his lips. 

"Cute," he muttered under his breath.

You felt like digging yourself in a hole while you waited for him to put in his own number on your phone, openly spamming in some middle school emoji choices for the heck of it.

His cheeks raised up as a smile lit up on his face. "Can't wait to see you there!" You nodded happily at him trying to calm the nerves that were spreading through your body. 

What kind of trouble were you getting yourself into?

You urged him to finally head towards the store, it was like you could hear more message alerts already coming of his phone from a mile away. Waving goodbye as we walked away from each other, you couldn't help but feel the excitement building up already inside. You haven't had a light hearted conversation like this in a long time.

You closed your eyes seeing the painted image of his dark eyes looking down at you, hearing his deep voice that hilariously did not match his face. 

His voice.

You whipped around from where you were, only a few feet further from the store and where you just spoke. You spotted the same boy right in front of the store, just about to push the door in.

"Hey Aussie!" 

Your shout echoed through the empty dark street. The sky was clear and the moon was out, a perfect chilly day in November. 

He turned to your direction surprised at your call. Doing the same head tilt like before, he was about to reply until you beat him to it.

"I like your accent." 

His eyes twinkled a bit as he smirked back, amused.

"I like yours too."

[gayoongles]

50 questions tag

I was tagged by @mikrokosyoongs thank u bb🥺💘 1. What takes up too much of your time? currently studying + final projects😪 but usually my time is spent trying to keep up w all my kpop boys (mostly bts) hfudsihf 

2. What makes your day better? listening to music, playing my cello, talking to my friends, n rugby 3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today? BLACK HAIRED TAE IS BACK (im still not over it bye) AND I GOT BTS TIX

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? uhhhh idk? maybe the hp universe but ngl I havent watched/read much lately that takes place in a historical setting besides got and I know for sure I dont wanna b there hfdjhf 

5. Are you good at giving advice? I like to think I am but idk 

6. Do you have any mental illness? sadly yeah😣

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no, thank fuck. id fr die 8. What musician inspired you the most? yoongi, min yoongi, suga, syub, the love of my life, and kim namjoon

9. Have you ever fallen in love? wish I cld say no hahah but

10. What’s your dream date? idk I dont rly have one hfudshf I like amusement parks a lot but also cuddling sounds like an AMAZING date idea

11. What do others notice about you? ppl always comment on my hair (bc I always have it dyed) and my height first so I guess those fhiusdfhi, personality wise tho, that im v quiet

12. What is an annoying habit you have? biting my nails. I try so hard every day to not but it ends up happening anyway

13. Do you still talk to your first love? no, thankfully

14. How many exes do you have? 5 and all of them ended up sucking yeet😛

15. How many songs are in your playlist? idk bc I have like 7483758 playlists 

16. What instruments can you play? cello! and a bit of ukulele but I havent picked it up in a while so im probably rusty

17. What do you have the most pictures of? bts, but out of all of them probably jm or yoongi

18. Where would you like to go before you die? everywhere, but mostly Europe Australia and Asia 

19. What is your zodiac? ima go deep bc why not so: leo sun cap moon aries rising. feel free to roast me in my asks abt that idk

20. Do you relate to it? my zodiac? lmao my sun no but my moon for sure

21. What is happiness to you? music. 

22. Are you going through anything right now? umm stress bc finals r in like a week but other than that no not particularly. I did just get out of a rly bad like month, almost 2 month long depressive episode tho so its been rough bouncing back from that bc I got behind on a LOT of work bc of it

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? not a specific decision but I trusted too easily in the past and it always hurt me

24. What’s your favorite store? I dont rly shop that much in specific stores ngl, maybe line friends tho? it was a rly cute store when I visited last month :(

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? your body, your decision. no one elses

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nah, theres things I wanna do but idc enough to write them down or keep track or anything

27. Do you have a favorite album? persona, lys tear, and dark and wild r so so superior dont @ me I won't change my mind

28. What do you want for your birthday? hfidshfi not 2 b that bitch but I always only ask for money

29. What are most people’s first impression of you? that I’m really quiet and reserved. also that im fucking short

30. What age do you seem according to most people? I got mistaken as 12 once when I was 18 but recently idk, maybe 17? probably not much younger now since I go to college

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? next to me on my bed bc I always end up falling asleep while on it

32. What word do you say the most? yoongi or some curse word probably

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 22 or 23? idk I havent rly thought of it much. except id date hyung line for sure if they fucking asked, screw age preferences in that case.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? 18 since im only 19 lmao

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? anything music related 

36. What’s your favorite music genre? any varying kind of rock except most metal (alt, indie, classic, etc.), pop (and that included kpop), and hip hop

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? um? tbh I like New York but uhh any country that it’s legal to be lgbtq+ in since my trans gay ass wldnt thrive anywhere that it’s illegal obvi

38. What is your current favorite song? dionysus and home and also bonfire by childish gambino

39. How long have you had this blog for? I dont know tbfh, maybe a year and a half? two years? bc it was a marvel blog before it was a bts blog so..

40. What are you excited for? METLIFE DAY 2 LETS GOOOO

41. Are you a better talker or listener? listener. talking takes a lot out of me mentally if im sober unless im w someone im rly comfy w

42. What is the last productive thing you did? uhh this weekend I finished 3 whole assignments dsifhi that's abt it

43. What do you want for christmas? idk? money? to get to spend time w my dad n step sisters? christmas is so far away man idk yet

44. What class do you get the best grades in? music related courses and english/writing

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 6, wld be more if I wasnt stressed out of my mine but ukno

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? mmm my hope is that ill b a relatively successful music producer/engineer by then but we’ll see how that goes lmaoo

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? threeee years ago I think? its been a hot second

48. What age do you want to get married? bro im only 19 I dont wanna think abt marriage

49. What career did you want to have as a child? a vet! and then I realized u had to put pets down sometimes so I said fuck that

50. What do you crave right now? physical affection lmaoo

m not gonna tag anyone bc I kinda took an break from work that I shouldn't have to do this so fhidsh anyone can do this if u want idk

[yastaghr]

Dusty Boxes

Characters: Alphys, Frisk, Undyne, Papyrus, Sans

Warnings: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route - "I want to stay with you.", Medical Experimentation, Medical Trauma, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Frisk (Undertale), POV Multiple

Ao3: Here

Summary:��Frisk and their friends help Alphys dig through some old boxes at the lab.(Not a good summary, sorry)

Alphys stared at the boxes and boxes of old reports and notebooks. The dust spinning in the air was sickening - whether it was the remains of the dead or the decayed paper of centuries of scientific progress, the horror was the same. How had she never noticed this door before?

All of this data - what if it held the answers she needed to stabilize the Amalgamates? What if it contained records of someone else doing the exact same experiment? How stupid would that be, hurting so many monsters and their families when just reading one of these files would have told her what to expect?

A small hand tugged at her sleeve, pulling her out of it. Frisk looked up at her through their brand new glasses, beautiful red eyes filled with concern.

“I’m okay...thanks, F-f-frisk,” Alphys looked around the room again, this time taking in the massive heap of collapsed boxes shoved in a corner, the flickering fluorescent lights, the receding walls. Sorting through this chaotic excuse for a filing system would take ages.

“Actually...do you, um, think we could c-c-call Undyne? There’s a l-l-lot of boxes.”

Frisk shot her a thumbs up, then signed out a question. Alphys’ lips moved as she tried to work it out. Some of Frisk’s symbols were very different from Monster Hands. Everyone was learning to translate, but sometimes it was tough.

“you w-w-want to call the...bone...broth- oh. Oh! Yes, they’ll be, um, helpful? Papyrus is very o-o-organized and Sans...yeah. That’s a really g-g-good idea, Frisk!”

The human smiled at her. They pulled their phone out of their pocket and started fiddling.. As they worked, Alphys wandered further into the ancient store room. She started mapping, in her mind at least, the relative age of various files. Some of the writing looked absolutely archaic! There didn’t seem to be much of a chronological ordering. Decaying cardboard leaned against colorful plastic. Maybe it was by subject?

Alphys’ thoughts trailed away as she paced through the caked dust, her friend's boisterous voices crackling through the cell’s speakers and disturbing the long quiet of the room.

Papyrus surveyed the neat columns of stacked paperwork in the hall before him. With his expert advice the unorganised files were being transformed into a neat chronology! Of course, his brother’s suggestion of sorting by handwriting and quantity of dust was of some help. Without the direction of the Great Papyrus, however, they would never have gotten this far!

“PAPYRUS! This one’s full of loopy dotted stuff. We got a place for that?”

He thrust his sternum proudly towards his friend, “INDEED! LOOPY DOTS ARE IN AISLE 3, ROW J!”

Thanks!” Undyne set off into the piles, “By the way, have you seen your brother lately? Alphys saw him disappear into the unlit mountains almost an hour ago and hasn’t seen him since.”

Papyrus patted his mandible thoughtfully, “NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, NO! MY LAZY BROTHER HAS PROBABLY FALLEN ASLEEP AGAIN. I SHALL GO FETCH HIM IMMEDIATELY!”

Undye looked at him oddly, “You do realise he can’t help falling asleep like that? Punk’s got some kind of a medical thing. Frisk told me.”

Papyrus smiled brightly, “I KNOW! HE’S ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT, BUT I KNOW HE CAN DO BETTER! AT THE VERY LEAST HE COULD FALL ASLEEP WHERE I CAN SEE HIM. THEN I CAN GIVE HIM A BLANKET SO HE DOESN’T GET COLD!”

His best friend tilted her head, “I thought you said skeletons couldn’t get cold.”

“WE CAN’T! BUT THAT’S WHAT ALL THE MOVIES SAY YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO.”

She grinned, “Gotcha. So what are you waiting around here for? GO FIND THAT LAZY BROTHER AND WRAP HIM IN THE WARMEST BLANKET YOU CAN FIND!”

Papyrus saluted, “YES UNDYNE!”

He dove through the doorway into the cavern of paperwork, clearing Frisk’s approaching head by only a few inches.

When Papyrus found Sans he was sitting in a circle of scribbled paperwork. Three empty boxes were stacked behind him. One of their pet blasters hovered next to him, a pink lantern with cat ears on it dangling from its jaws.

“SANS WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ALPHYS SPECIFICALLY TOLD US TO LEAVE THE PAPERWORK IN THE BOXES UNTIL EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SORTED!”

His brother jumped, dropping a set of grainy images messily around him.

“wha- uh, hey bro. i know, just...” his skull rotated to avoid Papyrus’ gaze, “it’s my file, bro. never got to read it fully.”

Papyrus collapsed his knees into a messy tailor’s seat just beyond the ring of documents.

“OH,” his voice was plastic and crispy black slacks, “ANYTHING INTERESTING?”

Sans shrugged, “not really. no notes yet, just the figures. 20 mg of dried patience here, tibia cracked after 3.82 centimeters of separation there. ‘bout what you’d expect, really.”

Papyrus fiddled with his left glove, “I’M SORRY.”

Sans patted his patella awkwardly, “hey, what’d i say about apologizing for him? s’not your fault.”

Papyrus’ roving sockets stalled on one of the clearer pictures. A much smaller Sans stared blankly at the camera with one working eye. The other was stuffed with red-stained gauze and had fresh cracks around the edges. His jaw was wired to his skull in three places, and anyone who knew how skeletons healed could see the wires were already half-covered in new bone.

“I SHOULD HAVE NOTICED SOONER. HE WAS ALWAYS SO COLD, AND HE NEVER ANSWERED MY QUESTIONS. HE-”

Fragile, unevenly bleached arms wrapped around him.

“naw, bro,” Sans’ voice was a cracked whisper vibrating into his collarbone, “you’re perfect. suspicion isn’t in your nature - how could i blame you for thinking your dad was perfect? you saved me, you taught me how to eat and talk and trust other monsters. i’d never have survived without as cool a guy as you taking care of me. i love you so much bro, you’ve got no idea.”

Papyrus wailed into his brother’s hoodie, “BUT HE HURT YOU SO MUCH!”

“yeah. but you taught me how to love. besides, if frisk can forgive us for trying to take their soul to break the barrier, i can forgive you for taking so long to open that door. maybe i can even forgive him - after all, he didn’t realise his experiment had developed a soul.”

Papyrus gave in and let the tears fall. His little brother just hugged him, scarred frame radiating so much love and forgiveness that it was a wonder the humans on the other side of the world couldn’t feel it.

Alphys was snout deep in one of the dusty files when Frisk tapped her on the shoulder. She dropped the file, papers flying everywhere, and sneezed. A puff of dust disturbed the thick air.

“Sorry, sorry,” she turned to the young human, “Did you, um, want something?”

Frisk signed. Alphys’ lips moved as she worked it out.

“You found a file that has weird writing in it?” Frisk nodded, “What kind of writing?”

Frisk signed that the script looked like weird symbols.

“Oh. Okay. Do you want m-m-me to take a look?”

Frisk nodded again. Alphys got to her feet, casting a forlorn look at the scattered papers. Before she could open her mouth to ask, Frisk had already bent down to pick them up. Alphys joined them. They soon had the papers back in order and tucked safely away in the file. This accomplished, they set out.

“Alright, what am I looking at?”

Papyrus wrung his gloves under the pressure of Undyne’s one eye. Sans had only made him promise not to tell anyone about things, right? So obviously it was okay to bring the former Captain of the Royal Guard into the stacks of paper and point her at the right box. Obviously. His gut was just going to have to sit there and stop complaining.

Anyway, he hadn’t said anything to Undyne. He’d just...let her follow him. That was it. It wasn’t his fault if Undyne chose to follow him, was it?

Suddenly she snorted, “Snrk. Pap, really? You made me a puzzle again?”

Well no, he hadn’t, but that was fine. If Undyne thought this was a puzzle, he could play along. Sans always encouraged him to enjoy his puzzles. Papyrus suspected it had something to do with all of the tests they’d had Sans do back then. Some part of him still thought that doing good on tests was important, and that it meant safety. Making Papyrus safe was very important to him, and that was rather touching…

Or it could just be that Sans wanted him to be happy. Puzzles made him happy. Therefore Sans liked it when he did puzzles because they made him happy.

Something like that, anyway. No matter what, Sans would be happy that he was doing a puzzle. Therefore he could let Undyne think this was a puzzle. In fact, it was, in a way. Just not a puzzle with a very happy solution.

One yellow eye surveyed the area, “Okay. I see...boxes. Lots of boxes. Am I supposed to move them?”

Papyrus shook his head. She gave him a look.

“Can’t you just tell me? This is STUPID!”

Papyrus shook his head. If he told her he’d be breaking the promise to Sans.

“FINE! OKAY!” Her voice dropped in volume to something more normal, “Is the puzzle in a box?”

He nodded.

“Which one?”

He scuffed his boot pointedly. She stared at him. He scuffed it again, louder this time. She looked down.

“Oh.”

She turned around and stomped over to the right pile of boxes.

“These?”

He nodded. She snatched up the top box and plopped it on the ground. He winced as she tore it open with about 250,000% more force than necessary. The box disintegrated under the strain, spraying photos, folders, and binders all over the floor.

She looked at him guiltily, “Sorry, Pap. I ruined it, didn’t I?”

He shook his head. No, as much as it pained him to see that amount of unnecessary mess, it really didn’t matter whether or not the box survived. He doubted it would have done so after she saw the reports, anyway.

Her brows furrowed, and she looked back down at the mess. Then she groaned.

“A reading puzzle? Ugh, I hate those.”

Papyrus couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eye. He heard the thud as she dropped to the ground, then paper rustled.

Silence filled the dusty cavern of dead paper as Undyne read. The flipping of pages was the only interruption. That and the grumbling of an annoyed fish monster, but that hardly registered. The sound followed Undyne to a lot of places - he wasn’t even sure she was always moving her mouth to make it. It could just be background noise, like the music Frisk had signed to them about.

A longer than usual period of silence drew his attention. Papyrus turned.

Undyne was rereading the same page over and over again. Her hands were trembling, her arms tense with barely restrained fury. She reread it again. It wasn’t changing. Not even the former Captain of the Royal Guard could wish this away.

“Papyrus.”

Her voice was low and deadly.

“Please tell me this is a really bad joke.”

He shook his head. Her voice went on, wheedling.

“A prank? Did your brother put you up to this?”

He shook his head.

“Please don’t tell me this really happened.”

Papyrus nodded with a decisive finality drenched in grief.

Her head turned back to the sheet. She read it again, slower now. Then her fists clenched and it tore in two.

Her voice was calm, in an odd sort of way. Not happy. It was just calm. For Undyne, that was a lot more terrifying that spears.

“You know, it’s weird. I don’t want to believe this, and yet...there’s a lot of stuff that fits.”

She rolled her shoulders, loosening every muscle in such a way that she would be ready to fight. He knew that move well.

“Where are the freaks?”

He shrugged.

“You don’t know?”

He nodded.

“AND YOU’RE OKAY WITH THIS?!!!”

Papyrus faced her fully. She gulped.

“Sorry. I know you...I just...HOW THE HECK CAN YOU FEEL SAFE, NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY ARE?!! HOW CAN SANS?!!”

“how can i what?”

Both Undyne and Papyrus managed to flinch and spin at exactly the same time in exactly the same movement. Sans had peered around the edge of the boxes, a stack of binders in his arms. He looked between their guilty faces and the broken box.

“oh.”

Undyne clearly wasn’t as prepared to handle the blank expression as Papyrus was. She crumpled away, gulping. He just walked, slowly, over to his brother and took the box. Sans’ arms didn’t move. None of him did.

Undyne blurted out, “HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING! I WAS JUST-” Her voice dropped into a whisper as Sans’ eye lights returned, “I was just following him. I thought it was a puzzle he made me.”

Sans arms slowly lowered to his sides. He was still tense as a wire and NOT LOOKING at Papyrus. Papyrus tried to ignore the little bubble of unhappiness that was forminging in his SOUL. Sans didn’t know it, but this would help, he was sure of it.

Undyne muttered a curse, barely audible under her breath, and then said, “Sorry.”

The look in her eye and the face Sans turned on her made Papyrus glad. She wanted to help Sans, just like he’d thought. And while he didn’t believe it entirely, Sans actually looked as if he might accept that she would try.

It was nice to know he’d been right.

Alphys tried to allay her guilt by saying that it wasn’t really spying. They were in here to sort through the mess, after all, and just because some of the papers were in the same box didn’t mean they belonged there. A part of her brain objected that that step was supposed to come later. She hastily buried that thought.

Anyway, Frisk had asked her to read this file, so stopping now would be rude. It was dry stuff, just experiment notes on well-known substances. Albeit rather large amounts of said substances, but still.

The next section made her pause. It mentioned DT, and that was her specialty after all, but...but the way the author talked about it made it sound, if not commonplace, then at least familiar to the scientifically inclined. That couldn’t be right - it had taken her ages to identify the compound. It couldn’t be common...could it?

She read on, appalled at the tremendous quantity of DT that seemed to have been wasted on a fruitless experiment. The author only seemed to have been testing how much physical DT it took to form a stable mass. Why anyone would be interested in that-

The next paragraph stopped her dead. The author described a surgical procedure in which said mass was implanted into a living socket.

“Wha- who w-w-would...why…”

Her voice trailed off. The file referenced the subject as C0-M1-C5-ANS. Something about that serial number was familiar to her, but what-

“whatcha doin there, alph.”

She started, flinging the file into the air. Once more papers scattered around the dusty floor. A skeletal hand picked them up. It was attached to a dark-socketed skull.

“huh. interesting reading material. where’d you find this?”

Alphys tried to speak but could only squeak. Annoyed, she made the sign monsters had universally accepted as meaning ‘FRISK’.

“ah. shoulda expected that. our little human loves to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong.”

The skeleton bent down and started slowly gathering papers. It looked as though he was lingering over each and every one.

“and i suppose it’s too much to believe that you didn’t read these.” She nodded her head glumly. Sans sighed and asked, “which one had you got to?”

“I...I w-w-was...DT. In a mass. And they w-w-were, um, surgeryintosomeone’seyesocket. Yeah.”

Alphys couldn’t make out Sans’ expression as he demanded, “what did you think of it?”

Her jaw gaped. What kind of a question was that?

“It’s horrible? Not j-j-just the surgery, I mean, the science is b-b-bad. DT is dangerous. Why would anyone t-t-try to make a ball of it? Well, I did, but not that big! It’s just a w-w-waste. And there’s NO WAY I’d try to imp-p-plant it in someone. Even if they, um, consented? And I d-d-don’t think th-”

“they didn’t,” He interrupted her, “no, they never asked. they didn’t think i was a mons-fudge.”

She’d have to buff the snout scales above her mouth tonight. Her claws were leaving scratches all over them. Her knees felt weak, too.

“Th-th-they di- di-”

“hey, alph, easy! breathe with me. come on, iiiiiiiiin. ouuuuuut. alphys, listen to me, alph. please. iiiiiiin. ouuuuut. iiiiiiiiiiin.  ouuuuuut. iiii-oh. your hugging me. okay. hi alph.”

She wailed, “SAAANSSS!”

“yeah, alph?”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?”

She felt him try to shrug. He calmly answered, “didn’t think it was that important. i don’t have a whole lot of memories from back then. when pap found me, well, i wasn’t really sans before that. i was just a bunch of pain and confusion.  and i didn’t really know you that well until recently,” he got a glimpse of her face and rushed, “it’s not anything wrong you did, or because you are a scientist or anything. just...i don’t like talking about it. only paps knew, before today.”

Alphys blotted off her tears in his hoodie. Then “D-d-did you ever, um, talk with anyone else?”

He shook his head, “no. just pap. he’s so cool, you know? he got me out of that place and took me in. he taught me everything. how to talk, how to eat real food, how to walk comfortably, how to read. the first book i ever read aloud to him was fluffy bunny. he had some physics textbooks that i’ve memorised. maybe i can go to college once we’re settled up on the surface.”

She smiled weakly, “That would be n-n-nice. We could, um, go to classes togeth-th-ther? I’m such a mess. Undyne wants to study human history. The real history. ‘Cause I lied to her. About anime.”

“hey, don’t beat yourself up,” he tried to comfort her,  “people make stupid decisions, and once you’ve made a choice it’s hard to change your mind. you owned up to it. she forgave you. that’s enough.”

“Why do you alw-w-ways come up with stuff like that? After everything you’ve been through?” She asked.

Sans shrugged, “pap read a lot of books. psychology stuff. maybe you can help me convince him to go for a degree?”

She nodded, quick little motions that had her head spinning - or maybe that was the shock. Probably the shock. It was definitely the shock that made her ask, “Um...which eye?”

He blinked at her, clearly trying to remember what she meant. Then his face grew a little bit sadder as he lifted his hand and tapped under his right eye. He said, “this one. i can’t see out of it at all now. the mass didn’t do anything except make me bleed when i get hurt. i guess i can ask frisk if there are any tricks to getting it to stop. it doesn’t want to coagulate, so i keep bleeding for days. it sucks.”

“I have, um, I mean, I m-m-might know a few tricks. Bratty has hemophilia, which means her blood doesn’t c-c-clot either. I used to help her with her bandages. I could, um...show you?”

He nodded, “that would be nice.”

Frisk hadn’t meant to start a landslide. They’d been trying to get one of the boxes that was just a little bit too high up for them to reach. They couldn’t see the boxes on top of it. When they’d finally gotten it loose, the entire pile shifted. It collapsed on top of them. There wasn’t a whole lot of it, but unfortunately, it was paper. Paper was heavy. Not heavy enough to hurt them, but heavy enough to pin them down. Now they’d have to wait for someone to come rescue them.

“hey, human. i don’t have to ask if you got the memo, do i?”

Frisk turned their head. Sans was standing a few feet away and grinning at them. They stuck their tongue out at him. It was the only reasonable response.

He chuckled and said, “hey. why don’t i lend you a hand? i’m pretty sure pap wouldn’t like having a pancake for a friend.”

Frisk nodded as best they could. He came over. The pile around them lit up blue while his left eye turned blue and yellow. Frisk felt the heap lift off of them. They wriggled out from underneath. Sans let the pile sag back onto the ground. Frisk jumped up and hugged him.

Sans hugged them back, saying, “heh. don’t let that paperwork bog you down, kid.”

They stepped back and signed their thanks.

He said, “don’t mention it. hey, while your here, can i ask you something?”

They knocked on the air twice.

He closed his eyes and said, “alphys showed me something. she said you’d found it. what i want to know is this,” Sans opened his eyes. The sockets were dark. Frisk shivered. He continued, “what were you doing with my file?”

Frisk gulped and signed quickly. They’d been trying to find Papyrus and Undyne to ask where to put a box when they’d seen Undyne tear apart a box with her bare hands. The files had scattered everywhere, and one had gotten forgotten in the cleanup. They’d taken it and seen the weird writing. They’d been curious. They asked Alphys to look at it. They were sorry if they’d done something bad.

Sans sighed. His sockets closed. When they opened, his eye lights were back. He said, “it’s okay, kid. i’m not mad. i’m just...a lot has happened today,” he breathed in deeply, then asked, “do you still want to know what’s inside it?”

Frisk nodded.

“okay,” he said, “it’s not exactly kid friendly, but i can summarize. some very bad scientists took one of the dead humans and made a little skeleton. they did it so they could run some painful experiments. but somewhere along the way the skeleton developed a soul. one of the bad scientists had a real son. he found the hurt skele. he took the skele home and taught him how to be a monster. the bad scientists went away, and the two skeletons were happy together.”

Frisk’s eyes watered. That was horrible! Their imagination was filling the gaps in with really, really bad things. And Sans had lived through that? They jumped back over and hugged him tight. If they had their way, they’d never let go.

[presumenothing]

superhero confidential [#2]

[ marvel au ]

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WE'RE NEARLY THREE HOURS INTO what is proving to be a very enlightening interview when another holographic screen pops up with a muted ping.

Miyano-san barely spares it a glance before standing up and striding around the table to the door. "Your new wings are done, Hattori-kun, I need to do the flight test."

"Huh?" Hattori-san looks up in apparent surprise, even though I'm certain that this moment has been planned all along.

"I'm going to tell the fabrication bots to paint them red and gold if you're not at the lab in fifteen," comes the reply from the hallway.

One exclamation of extreme dismay later, and we're left with the three of us and a suddenly-awkward silence in the room. I take the chance to swap out my voice recorder's batteries – I have the feeling that I'm going to need them, for whatever's coming up next.

When I look back up again, the two remaining Avengers are apparently having a silent but slightly heated discussion by looks and the occasional shrug.

It's Toyama-san who looks away first, while Kudo-san takes a deep breath, as if he's bracing himself for something. "You know who Ran is, right? Mouri Ran."

It's almost a ridiculous question, in this context.

Among most of the younger generation, the first thing that comes to mind about the good Captain's second-in-command is not the utter scandal (at the time, at least) of her having been revealed to be a woman all along, while the dust of WWII was still busy settling down.

Or perhaps it still is, just in a different sense – her story has morphed into a second Mulan of sorts, a fierce fighter who'd taken up arms to stand beside her childhood friend on the other end of a war. Girls grew up wanting to be that brave, to be just like her, never mind the staggeringly complex politics of the situation.

So to answer the question: yes, I know who Mouri Ran is.

This much is evident, because Kudo-san continues on a surprising turn. "What about the Winter Soldier?"

Now this question, unlike the last, is rather more complicated.

This much is known: somewhere between the events spanning the attack on SHIELD director Yamato Kansuke and the smoking ruins of that same agency in the Sumida River, the Winter Soldier went from an unlikely ghost story to a too-real spectre of death.

Eyewitness reports agree on the salient details: a woman of slender build, metal arm, and long hair. Filling the blanks of history with the SHIELD files gives us the rest: a list of kills confirmed or suspected, stretching back an improbable number of decades.

But that is all we have – facts that sketch the outline of a person, and nothing that fills that gap. We know increasingly more of what the Winter Soldier is, but nothing about who she is.

Not just yet, at least.

I say as much to Kudo-san, who nods, then hesitates for the first time in our time so far. "That was the first time I met the Soldier, yes. But the truth is – "

His voice falters and stops.

"It's alright, Shinichi, I can speak for myself," says a soft voice from the door, and I turn to see Mouri Ran standing there, metal arm and long hair gleaming dully in the low light.

THERE IS NO EASY OR KIND WAY to say this: Mouri Ran, one of the heroes of WWII, has also been the Winter Soldier in the intervening decades since.

None of it was by her will, as both Cap and Widow make certain to emphasise to me several times afterwards.

(There is also no mistaking that the two are acting as something larger than their usual selves, in this matter. They are each the quiet to the other's fire, and it is not at all difficult to see the same people who stared down both the Cabinet and National Diet – and, by all accounts, 117 of the UN's 193 countries – and willed them to blink first.)

At the time of this interview, the wheels of judicial systems both domestic and international have already begun to turn. Japan abolished its statute of limitations on murder in late April of 2010, meaning that cases dating from 1995 and onwards are still up for prosecution, and the possibility of extradition is still not entirely off the table yet.

But any and all trials will be strictly closed to the public, at least until the final verdict is released, and Mouri-san will be accorded all considerations due her status as a prisoner of war under extreme duress.

"I made it a non-negotiable condition of accepting the Accords," Kudo-san explains, in a brusque summary of what must have been an uphill fight against the many parties involved. "If we're going to sign over any part of our rights as enhanced individuals, we also need to recognise what happens when that power and responsibility falls into the wrong hands."

All this comes later, though. What follows is a short transcript of that initial conversation between myself and Mouri Ran, in what will likely be the first of many accounts of her time as the Winter Soldier and beyond.

HH: Thank you for taking the time to speak to me today, Mouri-san.

MR: Just call me Ran, please. I'm sorry if this came as a bit of a nasty surprise, we weren't sure how you would react to the news.

HH: It's – honestly speaking? I'm still trying to process it, but I almost can't believe that I'm actually talking to you in person. You've always been one of my heroes.

MR: [with a slight smile] If it's any consolation, that's a little weird for me to hear as well. Most of the publicity was focused on Shinichi during the war, no one outside of SSR and the Army really knew who the rest of the Howling Commandos were, but then we ended up here and... [she cuts herself off with the wave of one hand] I'm sorry, that's not really what you wanted to talk about, is it?

HH: Well, I think most of us want to know what happened between 1945 and now, but I'd be happy to discuss whatever topic you prefer, Ran-san.

MR: To be frank, I don't really remember all of it – I'm still getting memories back here and there, but most of it's badly scrambled, both in terms of time and place.

TK: Like when you wake up from a long nap and suddenly don't know if it's still the same day, y'know? Except worse.

HH: That must've been very confusing for you, Ran-san.

MR: It was. I had all these notebooks that I wrote things in, I was so afraid of forgetting again. It was really lucky for me that K- I mean, Widow released all those SHIELD files online, otherwise I really would've wondered if I was just going crazy. [turns towards Toyama-san] I don't think I've ever thanked you for that, Kazuha-chan.

TK: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me! [chuckles] You're definitely welcome, Ran-chan.

MR: Really, I don't know what I would've done without you. All of you. [turns back to me, taking out a piece of paper] It's not entirely complete – my lawyer's instructed me to redact the details until after the trial – but we've been able to piece together the events from then until now. Most of them, at least.

[An annotated version of this document has been reproduced on the following page of this article.]

HH: I'm a reporter, I understand having more questions than answers. I really appreciate you trusting me with this information, Ran-san.

MR: I don't like talking about it, but – [shrugs] Like Shinichi's always saying, there's only one truth, right?

KS: [a little tersely] Yeah.

MR: Shinichi? [reaching for his hand] I thought we'd agreed on this, people are going to find out after the trial and –

KS: – and you want to do it on your own terms, yeah. It's just... [he takes her hand with a sigh] All those years, and I never had a clue.

TK: You were off bein' an ice cube for most of those years, Shinichi-kun, I think you're excused. Don't think even Holmes solved any mysteries while he was dead.

KS: Well, actually –

[All three of them laugh at some apparently shared joke, breaking the tension in the atmosphere.]

MR: You found me in the end, that's what matters. [glances over at me, still smiling] These parts I definitely remember – this tiny scrap of a detective picking fights everywhere, trying to solve every mystery in town. Even though he was sick most of the time. Like having the worst younger brother you've never wanted, I swear.

HH: [laughs] Oh, I can definitely relate to that, I know the type.

MR: Right?

HH: Yeah. To wrap this up, then – is there anything you want to say to the readers?

MR: Just... I'd like to apologise to everyone I've hurt by my actions, both directly or otherwise. I know it won't fix anything, and I understand if you never accept this apology, but – [she bows] I'm very sorry, and I'll do everything in my power to make up for it.

HH: And what would you like to do after this? Anything specific?

MR: Well, there's the trial first, of course. Who knows how long that'll take. After that – I really have no idea, actually. Kazuha-chan's invited me to go crash dojos –

TK: Hey now, I don't crash things, that's Heiji you're thinking of –

MR: – with her anytime, but I've been thinking about travelling a bit with Shinichi and everyone else? See places when they're not halfway being blown up, catch up on the things I've missed.

HH: Wherever the wind takes you, then?

MR: [smiles and nods] Yeah, just like that. I think I've had enough of plans for a while, you know?

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