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kazosa · 2 years

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Wildwood Prequel: Broken

Summary: Not everything is sunshine and roses where the reader and Jensen are concerned.

Pairing: female reader x Jensen Ackles

Word count: 15k

Warnings: swearing, pregnancy loss, cheating, jealousy, death of a family member

a/n: please remember, this is fiction and not intended to be disrespectful to any real-life people

@leigh70 @djs8891 @sandlee44 @coffee-obsessed-writer

Broken

It felt like defeat going back to your hometown and your apartment over the old theater. The plan had never been to stay away forever, you just hadn’t thought you would be back so soon. Of course, your parents knew that you were coming back and they’d been the ones who had taken care of your building and apartment while you were away. They had been the ones who had arranged for your moving boxes to be brought inside your apartment. You flipped the light switch and the lights in the kitchen came on. At least your parents were reliable…

The boxes were stacked and filling up your living room. You didn’t even know where to begin. Why did you need to ship so much back from Korea? You didn’t have the energy to deal with unpacking anything. Instead, you slowly walked through your apartment to make sure there were no issues. Nothing jumped out at you. Plumbing, electrical and physical all seemed to be in proper order. Even the skylights were in good shape.

The only trouble you found was around every single corner; a memory of Jensen’s last visit was waiting for you. It was almost too much to bear. You walked down the hallway to your bedroom and looked around. Everything was as you’d left it except for your bed which had fresh sheets and blankets.

“Bless you, Mom,” you muttered, shuffling to your side of the bed. Your brain was too fried to figure out what time it was for your body that was still on Seoul time. And whatever time it was in your hometown, you decided you didn’t give a shit and pulled back the covers.

Sitting on the edge of the bed to pull off your socks, you saw the picture of you and Jensen looking back at you. You laid the frame face down and finished undressing before you gave yourself over to oblivion.

A few days later you were still lying in bed, having only gotten up for restroom breaks and water. You supposed you’d slept enough to be on hometown time, but you still didn’t move. You just stared at the brick wall for a few minutes, then you grabbed the photo frame from your night stand.

You missed the boy in the photo. You missed who you were in the photo, too. Full of life and happiness and having no clue you would be the cause of your current state of misery. You’d fallen for Jensen and you hadn’t even noticed how far you’d fallen until it was too late and you’d found yourself sitting at his wedding trying not to sob. The wedding wasn’t all bad though. Dan had been a guest and despite what happened later, you had loved him and would never be sorry for your time together.

When you met Dan, you were at your absolute lowest. You’d basically run away from Jensen, all the way to Australia, only to come back 6 months later for his wedding. You had barely had any time to sort through your feelings for Jensen and had tortured yourself more by throwing yourself headlong back into them at the wedding. Dan had been going through something similar and had recognized the same sadness in you, choosing to sit with you at the reception. The two of you hit it off and forgot about your woes for a while. After the wedding, you kept in touch with him and eventually you went to live with him after a year of racking up some serious air miles.

It was great at first. Dan would take you to all of his favorite places and do tourist things with you. He could speak and understand Korean, mostly, and could communicate with people fairly well, but you had no understanding at all. He tried to teach you, but you had no capacity for other languages. You kept trying though. Dan was quite famous in Korea. He did a lot of modeling for fashion shows and print ads, which had gotten him a lot of attention on their own. What really put him over the top were the Korean television shows and movie productions.

When you would be out with him, he would get mobbed by tiny, beautiful Korean women. They would push you aside and Dan would be very accommodating by signing autographs and taking pictures. You didn’t mind the fans and Dan interacting with them, it was the fact that you were looked down upon by the fans. You couldn’t understand what they were saying, but their body language and facial expressions said everything. It made you feel isolated and when you told Dan how you felt, he thought he was helping by taking you out less.

When Dan was home with you, you got all of his attention and you loved every second of it. When you got brave enough, you would go to the public library and do research for your books. It was better than sitting in the apartment all day waiting for him to come home and it helped you to feel less isolated. The people at the library were nicer and would speak to you in English and teach you phrases in Korean.

It made Dan happy that you were learning the language and were less reliant on him for all communication. It made him even happier when you said yes to going more places with him again, too.

You thought things were good between you, until you started seeing tabloids when you went to the market. The newsstands were positioned outside the markets and you never really paid much attention to them until you noticed Dan on the cover. He’d been on tabloids before, of course, but this time was different, it wasn’t you who was with him. Not knowing what else to do , you bought all three and immediately went to your favorite library to find your librarian friend, Hyun, to help you translate.

When you got to the library, Hyun was behind the counter and smiled brightly when she saw you approaching.

“Hello my American friend. Nice to see you again so soon!” she said, cheerfully. “What are you researching today?”

“Hi Hyun. Actually, I was hoping you could tell me what these say?” you laid out the tabloids for her to look at.

“Oh! Daniel Henney! He’s so handsome. Do you know him in America?” she asked.

“No, I know him here,” you answered.

“This one says… Daniel Henney and new flame Bingbing Fan leaving set.” She looked at the other covers, “These say almost the same.”

Your gut twisted and jumped inside your body. “Does it say anything about anyone else? Like a previous girlfriend?”

After reading some of the article, she said, “No, it says nothing like that. Just rumored about Bingbing and how Daniel has been single since Mr. Perfect.”

You knew that wasn’t true. He’d been in love with Dee before you met him and you’d been living with him for three years, but the way he held her hand…

You ignored the pain you felt and went home to confront Dan about it. You had hoped he would deny it, put your mind at ease, profess his love for you… That wasn’t what happened though. Tears were streaming down your face and felt sick from the pain.

“Y|N, what…” he began, but that was all you heard.

You looked down and wondered where the blood was coming from before your vision swirled and went black.

You drug yourself out of bed and went to the kitchen to find your carry-on bag and pulled out the pen and paper you always had with you and took it back to your room. You chugged the rest of your water before you began.

The last letter you sent him had been the hard part. Everything that happened was in there. You hadn’t expected a return letter, but you’d thought Jensen would call, at least. You’d sent it to the house in Austin when you were certain he would still be there… You put your pen to the paper:

Jay –

I’m back in the states now. I didn’t hear back from you about my last letter. I thought you might call… I know you’re busy, but I could really use a hug from my friend. Please respond.

–Nova

You made sure your return address was written clearly on the envelope and addressed it to him at his Vancouver apartment. You debated calling him, but decided against it. There had to be a reason he didn’t contact you and if he didn’t want to talk to you, you didn’t want to talk to him. Resigning yourself to the fact that you needed to go to the post office for stamps, you thought it best to take a shower and get yourself mildly presentable for a public appearance.

Once the stamps were bought and the little note sent, you went back to your apartment and unpacked one box. It felt good to empty the box, but you refilled it with things you no longer wanted that either came from the box, or your apartment, and put it in the hall to take down to the dumpster.

“That’s quite enough,” you said, closing and locking the door behind you. After checking the cupboards, you grabbed a box of crackers and went back to bed.

Jensen knew by the knock that it was Jared at his trailer door. He went and opened the door for him.

“Hey, get in here,” he said.

“What’s going on? You’ve been weird since Clif picked us up this morning.” Jared stepped into the trailer and closed the door behind him, “Something happen?”

“I got a letter from Y|N,” he held the paper with his fingertips. “Something isn’t right,” he extended his hand to Jared to take the paper.

Jared took the note and quickly read the missive.

“Is this it? What was in the last letter?” Jared asked. “And Y|N doesn’t seem like someone who asks for hugs… except from me.”

“That’s a financial transaction, that’s different,” he said, “and I have no idea what she’s talking about.”

“Did it get lost? She knows the schedule, right?” Jared was concerned, too. Over the years of Jensen talking about her and spending time with her at conventions, he genuinely liked Y|N.

“I don’t know. She usually knows where I am. She said she’s back in the states now, so that takes time and if I missed a letter saying she was coming back, Y|N would know to send it to Austin ‘cause I would have been home then,” he was thinking out loud.

“Did Dee say if it came there, or shown up yet?”

Jensen pulled out his phone. “She didn’t mention it the last time I talked to her.” He hit ‘send’ on her number. “Hey hon,” he said when she answered, “did any letters from Y|N come to the house?” he waited for an answer. “No? Not since I’ve been up here, huh? What about before and you just forgot to give it to me?”

Jared could only hear Jensen’s side of the conversation, but it wasn’t sounding good.

“I’m asking because I think something is wrong.”

“No, I’m not saying that.”

“I just don’t want to…”

Jared knocked hard on the chair and talked into his arm, “Jensen, ready on set.”

“I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” he ended the call. “Thanks,” he mumbled and began pacing.

“That was intense,” Jared observed.

Jensen nodded, chewing on his thumbnail. “She said ‘no’ then said I’m obsessed with Y|N.”

“Sounds like Dee might be a little jealous of how close you and Y|N are,” he paused to carefully choose his words. “Dee doesn’t have a reason to be upset, does she?”

Jensen whipped his head around, “What do you mean?”

“Nothing. You better see what’s up with Y|N,” Jared said, getting up from his spot. “That was way too cryptic for her.”

Jensen hit ‘send’ on Y|N’s number, not worried about what time it was for her. It rang through to voicemail once before he tried again. She picked up on the second ring.

“Jay?”

He hated how small her voice sounded. “What happened?” he demanded, “Tell me right now.”

Jared stopped rummaging in Jensen’s fridge at the tone of Jensen’s voice.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked, not able to understand what she was trying to say.

“No,” her voice was so quiet. She could only whisper the words or they would come out as sobs. All he caught was, “Baby died,” and his blood ran cold. Immediately he went to the bedroom, got his coat, bag, and passport. He made sure he touched what he needed before shoving them in the bag.

Jared followed him wide-eyed, not needing an explanation. Seeing Jensen packing a small bag, he knew it was serious and helped him gather what he would need.

“Babe, I’m coming,” he said.

“Okay.”

Jensen went to Bob Singer and told him what was going on . Bob looked over the shot schedule and told Jensen, “I can only get you a day.”

“That’s all I need, thanks, Bob,” he said.

Jared had told Clif that Jensen needed to go and got the car ready. Jensen was on the phone to the airline before he even got in the car.

“Text me when you land and give Y|N my love,” he said quietly because Jensen was talking to the ticket agent.

Jensen gave him the thumbs up and Jared closed the car door. As soon as it closed, Clif took off like a shot. He booked a flight that had a layover in Denver before he felt like he could breathe again.

Seven and a half hours later, it was after 10 at night and he was quietly using his key to open her apartment door. Thankfully, the key turned and she hadn’t flipped the security latch over. He noticed her living room windows were dark when he had gone around the block to park in the alley, so he made sure he was quiet as he entered, in case she was sleeping.

No need to turn on any lights. She had a nightlight on her kitchen counter which lit the way for him to the hallway where he stopped in the bathroom to get cleaned up. He couldn’t stand to not shower after such a long day of work and travel.

He felt a little bad sneaking in the way he had, but he needed to sleep. Despite working overnight, he’d only slept a couple hours on the Vancouver to Denver leg and not at all from Denver to Sioux Falls. His usual tricks to shut down his brain hadn’t worked. After his shower, he tiptoed into her room, pulled the covers back and climbed into bed and Y|N stirred.

“Jay, that’d better be you,” she muttered, not really caring that someone got in her bed in the middle of the night.

“It’s me, sweetheart,” he said.

“Mm, Dean, even better,” she rolled toward him.

He patted his chest and stretched his arm out so she could get close.

“Do you want to talk now, or sleep,” he asked.

“Sleep. All the sleep,” she laid on his chest.

He thought maybe she had drifted off, but then she spoke softly. “I fell for him and he broke my heart. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until it was too late.” She didn’t have any tears left to cry. “I found out from a tabloid. He didn’t even try to deny it. I woke up in the hospital. I lost a lot of blood and that’s when they told me. When I was released, I was told I had a week to move out while he was away working. I did. But it took a while to make all of the arrangements.”

Jensen kissed her forehead and stroked her arm while she talked, but there was one thing he had to know, “Where’d you send the letter and when?”

“About six or seven weeks ago to Austin.”

Twenty years and he’d never not gotten a letter she sent.

“I’m sorry. You know I would have answered or done something if I got it. Hell, I just traveled almost eight hours as soon as I got the last one.”

“I don’t deserve you,” she said.

Jensen could feel her start to pull away, but he held on tighter.

“You don’t get to decide that. Did you ever think about what had to happen for us to meet in Dallas?” He could feel her shake her head ‘no.’ “You could have stayed with your grandma. If I hadn’t hit snooze on my alarm, I wouldn’t have missed the bus. Your parents could have picked a different hotel. My parents could have made me stay home. Your parents could have said no to you going to the pool by yourself. If you didn’t have that stupid fanny pack, you might never have run into me, literally.”

“My fanny pack wasn’t stupid.”

“Yeah it was, but I love that thing,” he caressed her face and made her look at him. “The powers that be decided and I am grateful.”

Everything in him wanted to kiss her so badly. To take her pain away, to pull her out of her darkness, to make her feel better for a moment, to remember what it was like to feel her lips on his.

There was no way he could do that to her though. He’d never seen her so raw and broken before. She’d always been so solid, so strong. He couldn’t be doing things like that to her when she was in such a fragile state. Somehow, she knew he was struggling and tipped her head back down, her hand reaching up to couch his face. He took her hand, kissed her fingertips then held her hand to his chest as they finally drifted off to sleep.

He woke her up just as the sun was barely beginning to light the sky.

“C’mon,” he shook her shoulder, “you need to get up.”

“I don’t need to do jack shit,” she growled.

He yanked the covers back. “Great. Let’s use that salty energy to get you into the tub.”

“What?” she said with emphasis on the H. “Are you drunk? Am I drunk?”

He pulled her up to sitting, “Not possible. You already drank everything.”

“Let me sleep, damnit,” she tried to pull away.

“Guess we’re doing this the hard way,” without malice, he grabbed her up into his arms and carried her into her bathroom and placed her, clothes and all, into the bubble bath he’d drawn for her.

She had things to say when she popped up out of the bubbles.

“What the hell was that for?!” her voice was raised.

“To wash off the guilt you’ve been wallowing in for the last two months,” he told her.

She kept trying to rebut his statement, but she couldn’t.

“It wasn’t your fault that any of it happened. No one made Dan screw around on you. That was a choice,” his voice boomed off the stone and wood in the bathroom. He took a moment and calmed himself and softened his tone. “As for the baby, you didn’t even know you were pregnant. And when it happens that early, there is NOTHING anyone can do to save it.”

“What if Dan was my one shot at happiness?” she pulled off her soaked shirt and staying below the bubbles.

“He’s not, I promise.”

“How would you know? You married a snobby, jealous bitch who hates me,” Y|N was letting it all out. “I don’t get second chances, Jay. It just doesn’t work like that for me.”

She slipped down into the bubbles briefly. He waited for her to resurface.

“Dee is still my wife, Y|N. You may have differences, but I don’t think she hates you. You’re going to be brave and do things one step at a time, just like you always do. And when you’re ready, you will shine so bright that it would be a crime to not notice you,” he looked at her covered with bubbles. “Scrub the wallow off of you. Then we’ll go to the bakery and take a walk. Then I gotta go back to work. Bob could only get me a day.”

She went under and shimmied out of what she was still wearing. He would never tell her he saw everything in the process. He just took the clothes and threw them into the open shower.

“Where did you find the bubble bath?” she asked, pulling the bubbles toward her for her modesty.

“I didn’t. It’s my shower gel I left here last time I came by,” Jensen said, grabbing a washcloth to throw in with her. “Got any of that sandy, scrubby shit for your skin?”

She gave him a look, “No?”

“Huh,” he mumbled, “it works pretty well.”

She scrubbed while he looked through things. “Any of those boxes out there labeled?”

“I dunno,” she scrubbed the leg that was propped on the edge of the deep tub. “I wasn’t too concerned.”

“I’m gonna go look… out there,” he excused himself. If he kept catching glimpses of her like that…

Opening the first box he came to, he dug right in. Something heavy was wrapped in bubble wrap that caught his attention and chose that first. At first, he didn’t realize what he was holding, then remembered it was the glass art his mom bought her for Christmas forever ago, the Christmas he kissed her. She had taken it with her when she left. It made him wonder where the star that he bought her was as he placed the glass on a bookshelf.

He unpacked the rest of the box and put things away without any more blasts from the past. He was just about to start another when she came down the hall.

“Just can’t leave shit alone, can you?” she asked.

“How long have you been back, a week? It looks like you haven’t touched anything.”

“So? It’ll still be there when I’m ready.”

Y|N was getting on her shoes.

“Next step is unpacking,” he said.

“What?”

“You have one week to unpack these boxes, then you’re gonna facetime me and show me every inch so I know you’re not hiding them.”

“Are you fucking serious right now?” she asked.

“Yeah. I am. Baby steps.”

“Bossy bitch,” she snarked.

“You’d do it to me, and you know it,” he responded.

“I’ve never had to do anything like that for you,” she grabbed her keys. “Frickin’ Mary Poppins.” she rolled her eyes when he didn’t get it. “Practically perfect in every way.” She opened the door and swung her arm in a motion for him to walk out. Somehow she managed to look annoyed and still exhausted.

“When was your last meal?”

“Fuck if I know,” she went down the stairs and turned to the alley door. “What day is it?”

“Wednesday.”

She shrugged. “Sunday? Why does it matter? When I’m awake, all I do is think about it all and it makes my stomach hurt. It never ends.”

He opened the car door for her, “It might not hurt if you eat something good for you.” He’d noticed she’d lost weight. “Not like you need to go crazy, but you shouldn’t be surviving on pizza rolls and chicken tenders. You should hire a chef, you got the dough for that now, don’t you? I saw you put out more books and a movie is being made. Are you getting a percentage?”

He thought if he could get her thinking about anything else, it might help get her out of the darkness.

“Yeah, the books are doing well. I can cook for myself, Jay, I just don’t like to,” she answered. “I’m going to get a percentage. Threw out a number and they accepted it. Hopefully it does well. I heard Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansen are in the running.”

“Are you shitting me? You have a script already?”

She nodded. “It’s about ready to go into production I guess. I hope it does well so I can retire.”

“I don’t remember getting a script for that,” he pulled open the bakery door to let her pass through first.

She snickered, “It wasn’t my call, Jay. Also, I have you in mind for something else.”

Y|N went to the counter to wait for someone to help them.

“Woman, you cannot leave me hanging like that,” he said.

She ignored him as the owner came to the counter. “Hi Dave. I’ll have my usual. He’ll have something healthy and a black coffee.”

She definitely hadn’t lost her sass. “Dave, is it? I’ll have an apple fritter and a coffee. Black.”

Y|N rolled her eyes and waited patiently for Dave to get their donuts and Jensen’s coffee. Y|N pulled an apple juice from the cooler then chose a table for them to sit. When they were seated, he only sipped his coffee and stared.

Y|N sighed, “I’ve been doing a lot of research. I haven’t written anything yet. However, if, and that’s a big IF, I write it and there’s production talk, I think you would be a perfect fit. Maybe you can for your own production company, or something, and can cast yourself finally.”

“So salty,” he muttered. “Because that’s the only way I would get cast?” Salty and a little bit mean, he thought.

“I didn’t say that,” she took a bite of donut.

“What are you saying?”

“I said I want to write the character with you in mind and getting you cast as the character is not up to me.”

“What’s the character?”

“Uh-uh, I’m not telling you that, but it would give you a wider variety of wardrobe choices than jeans and flannels.”

He tipped his head to the side agreeing that the wardrobe change might be nice.

“Can you tell me anything else?” he asked.

“No, I don’t want to jinx it. Good guy though, but a smidge of anti-hero.”

For the moment, she didn’t look quite so destroyed. It had scared him when she answered the phone the way she did. Sitting with her in the bakery, she seemed more like her old self. They sat shooting the breeze while they had their donuts and drinks. When they were finished they used the restrooms before they left for their walk.

They drove to the park they went to the last time he was in town for their walk.

“Ever been to Italy?” he asked out of the blue.

“Nope, not even on a layover,” she answered.

They were up by the river and he paused to let her catch her breath. He wondered if Dan had kept her locked up in that apartment.

“We booked JIB this year. You should come,” he said.

“Why?” she didn’t look at him. Instead, she looked out at the river, squinting, even with her sunglasses on. “Will you tell Dee if I do?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Pretty simple, Jay. Does she even know you’re here now?”

“Do you have something you need to say to me? Just say it.”

“Dee doesn’t like me being your friend. When I needed you most, the first time in almost 20 years, you didn’t get the letter I sent.”

“You weren’t exactly thinking clearly…”

“No, Jay! I might have been as clear as I’ve ever been. I knew exactly where you were. Didn’t it seem strange to you that Dan was at the wedding?”

“Why would I? You were at the wedding and you’re my friend.”

She gave a rueful laugh. “Yeah. You should probably ask her about that. He was under a different impression. He said he didn’t even want to go but she insisted. She practically shoved him at me after I danced with you. By some miracle, we actually got along well and hit it off. We were just lying to ourselves though. Neither of us were with who we wanted.”

“Or maybe Dee thought you two might be good together.”

“And why would she do that, Jay? She’s maybe said five sentences to me the entire time you’ve been together.”

He stood in silence for a few moments. “I think she doesn’t like how close we are. She is my wife, Y|N. Knowing we have so much history is hard for her. It would be hard for anyone. I don’t think she hates you and inviting Dan came from a good place.”

“I love that you always look for the good in people, Jay, but it makes you blind to the bad,” her voice was softer now. “Maybe I’m just bitter. I’m sorry.”

They started walking again. “Did you get the last birthday card I sent you? I sent it to Austin so it would be there when you went home.”

“Dude, I don’t know. I’m sure I did. Didn’t I text you?”

“No. I wouldn’t be asking if you had. Did you use the gift card I sent? It was for that steak place you like there.”

He, in fact, did remember going there for his birthday, but not how the meal was paid. This whole conversation had made him wonder what else he had been missing.

“I gotta go soon,” he changed the subject. “Are you going to be okay, or do I need to worry about you?”

“I’ll be fine,” she said. “I’ll just kill Dan in a book.”

He snorted, “Okay. No real-life felonies, please.”

She didn’t say anything for a few steps, then with a smirk she said, “Petty arson?”

He grinned, “I can’t associate with a criminal, regardless of the charges.”

“As if I would get caught,” she said.

“I can’t tell if you’re joking.”

“Good,” she said. “Stay on your toes, Ackles.”

He looked after her, questioning what she said, before catching up to her again. He looked at his watch, not really wanting to know the time, but he didn’t want to push things too hard. He needed to be at his gate by 11:30 and that meant he needed to leave Y|N by 10:30.

They kept walking through the whole park and Jensen finally got to see the whole scale of the place. He felt like he’d gotten in a good hike and it was all still in town. It wasn’t til they were on the way back to the car that she noticed and started laughing at him.

“Oh my god, this whole time, I’ve been hanging out with Dean Winchester!”

He was less amused. “I left from set. I didn’t have much choice.” He smoothed the flannel shirt. “By the way, I left you makeup-covered washcloths as a ‘you’re welcome’.”

Jensen opened the car door for her. “Good on you for even finding them,” she got in the car slowly like she was exhausted from the hike and he closed the door for her.

He started the SUV and got the vents going. The outdoor temperature was climbing quickly. “Everything was still right where I left it 5 years ago. Now promise me 2 things. One, you will unpack. And two, think about JIB.”

“The best I can do is promise I will think about it.”

“JIB or unpacking?”

“Both.”

He sighed heavily. It was pointless to argue with her. She could be so stubborn. Or she would turn everything around and he would lose sight of his original point.

“Jay?”

He put the SUV in gear and pulled out of the lot.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you, for coming,” she said sincerely. “You didn’t have to and I just…I’m really grateful for you.”

He drove toward her building. “You would do it for me.” He reached out and took her hand, knowing how hard it was for her to say anything about her feelings for anyone.

He pulled into her regular parking space at the back of the building. The go-bag he’d brought was already in the car. After putting the car in park, he hopped out to open her door. When she was out, and the door closed, he pulled her into a bear-hug which she returned with surprising strength.

“Love you like crazy,” he said.

“Love you, sweet boy.”

She watched as his car backed away, turning into the alley. Putting the car in drive, he stuck his arm out the window to wave at her one last time as he drove away.

On domestic flights, you didn’t care if you flew economy. Leaving the country was a whole other animal. The best you could manage was business class. You’d waited too long to book your flight, but you’d been in training and hadn’t known when, or if, they would release you to go on the vacation you’d planned. Last minute booking came with last minute pricing and you about fainted at the cost. If you hadn’t already bought the ticket for JIB 15, you might have backed out. You were physically exhausted from the training you’d been in for your new, armed security, job that you were sure was equally intensive as military training. The difference was, your training lasted four months and you’d gotten into the best shape of your life, which you both loved and hated. You’d become a person who ran for fun.

While you were waiting for the staff to start boarding the plane, you already had on your headphones, but no music playing yet, just in case your seatmate was chatty. Your seating section boarded first and you were a little surprised to see some very specific people you knew appear from nowhere at the gate with you. Being dressed for comfort over fashion, you hadn’t expected them to recognize you, but Rob looked right at you and it didn’t register with him. You recognized Gil, but had never met him. Then there was Rich. He was your favorite. He was at the head of the pack and you followed him onto the plane.

As it turned out, your seat, was next to Richard, but by the window. Rob and Gil were next to him, but across the isle. Rich twisted in his seat to let you in, still not quite looking at you. Your hair was in a bun on top of your head, glasses on, band t-shirt, sweatpants, flannel around your waist, and sneakers. The small bag you carried had your essentials.

“Sorry, excuse me,” you said, stepping sideways to get to your spot.

“Nice band shirt. Don’t usually see them,” he said.

“I know, usually it’s Nirvana or Led Zeppelin,” you agreed.

You pulled off your headphones and put them in your bag. He wasn’t staring at you, but you knew you were being watched. You didn’t think you looked that much different from the last time you saw them, but you thought they might remember you, at least.

The flight attendants were going through the precheck and safety checklist when Rich couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Have we met?” he whispered.

You nodded.

“Forgive me, I can’t remember your name,” he pressed.

“Shh, important stuff,” you grinned and gave the crew your attention.

When they completed their somewhat funny spiel, you turned and leaned with your elbow on the armrest to look directly at Rich.

“We’ve slept together and you can’t remember my name?” you asked. “I thought we had a moment.”

The look of utter shock and horror that crossed his features absolutely delighted you and his expression eventually changed to recognition.

“Ohhh my god, you scared the shit outta me,” he gasped in relief. “You looked familiar, but I didn’t know why. Jesus. What’ve you been doing, you look like you’re in fighting shape.”

“Funny you should put it that way…” you told him how you’d gotten a new job and what it entailed. “It just made sense.”

“Jensen didn’t tell us you were coming,” he said.

“He doesn’t know,” you said. “I had a feeling this one was important.” What you hadn’t mentioned was that you’d had a nagging feeling that something was wrong, or was bothering Jensen, but you didn’t know what.

“Have you done JIB before?” you asked.

“Oh yeah, sister. Not the first rodeo for ol’ Dick. I take it you haven’t been?”

You shook your head. “Been lots of places, but never Italy.”

“Well, we’re going to have to show you a good time. What hotel are you in?” he asked.

You got out your phone and pulled up your reservation to show Rich.

“Ha! Well, gonna be tough to stay incognito, that’s where Jensen’s staying.”

Of course it is, you thought. “Gonna be hard to surprise him if we’re in the same hotel.”

“Sweetheart, we’ve done a lot of ops together, we’ve hung out backstage and slept together and I didn’t recognize you. And, let’s face it, guys don’t exactly notice things even when we’re looking for them.”

“True,” you agreed. “Do I really look that different?”

He hemmed and hawed a little, “No, but enough. You just seem like you’re in a really good headspace, too.”

“What hotel are yall in?”

You and Rich talked for a while, then you had a meal, watched a movie, and hit the restroom before you decided to sleep. You took off the Dean flannel Jensen left at your house and put it on, grabbed a blanket from one of the flight attendants, got cozy, and shut off your brain. You’d gotten a lot better about getting your sleep when you could get it and managed to get some good hours in before Rich woke you up for landing.

About two hours after landing, you were standing in the most beautiful hotel room you had ever been in. Jensen had steered you in the right direction, but you should have suspected that he would be there, too. Your room had high ceilings and floor to ceiling windows that overlooked a view you couldn’t possibly have planned when you selected the hotel, the Coliseum. It was nice to have such a beautiful room, in a beautiful city. It would have been nice to share it with someone, like Jensen, but you didn’t want to dwell on it. Instead, you threw open the drapes and soaked in the view. It was absolutely stunning.

Eventually, you grabbed your phone and turned it off airplane mode. Ten minutes later, your phone caught up and 13 hours of missed texts, phone calls and emails all flooded your phone at once. You called your mom first and let her know everything was fine, after which she went on to tell you all of the places you should visit while you were there. You reminded her that you were there for the convention and would be lucky if you got to see more of the city. She made you promise to not go alone and you assured her that Rich would look after you.

Amelia, your publisher, had emailed you three times though she knew you were on your way to Rome. Rather than continue to let her stress levels rise, you got your laptop out of your luggage to respond to her properly. She talked to you on chat and an hour later, she had the files and updates she needed from you to be satisfied. The last to be addressed were the text messages.

Your friend, and freelance employee, Jen, texted asking if you were dead in a ditch. You assured her you were not and sent her a selfie of yourself in front of your hotel window and the coliseum in the background. She then called you on video messenger and you ended up showing her your whole room and the view.

You saved Jensen for last. Once you’d responded to everyone, you checked to see if he sent you a text yet. You scrolled down to check for any unread messages from J. Wayne. Only one unread message was left, and it was, indeed, from a Mister Jay Wayne. It merely read, “Here. 419.”

You: Did you have a good flight?

Jay: Must have. Slept the whole way. Wide awake.

You: Is anyone else at the hotel with you?

Jay: No. Just me.

You pushed ‘send’ next to his name. It rang twice before he answered.

“Really, Jay? Two rings before you pick up? I was just texting you.

“Had another call,” he said cryptically.

That feeling of unease came back. “Jay, what happened?”

The deafening silence was bothering you.

“You better tell me,” you ordered. “I’ll figure it out one way or another.”

“Leave it at, I had a bad day.”

“Is there anything I can do to make it a better day? Do you want to watch a movie with me? Wait, what time is it there?”

“Two PM. I feel like it’s the middle of the night, but I slept on the plane.”

“Do you want distractions or solutions?” you asked.

“Isn’t it like 3 AM there?”

“I don’t know man, I’m talking to you and don’t give a shit what time it is. Besides, I’m at work and it’s boring as fuck.”

“That why you waited to call me back?”

“Jay, it’s a federal facility, there are places where phones aren’t allowed. I couldn’t call back until now.”

“Why do you still insist on having a job? Aren’t you writing and publishing like crazy? Aren’t you getting a big fan base? You’re getting a movie made. You don’t have to have an hourly pay job anymore.”

Why, so I can follow you around like I clearly am already doing? You thought. That realization was not new to you. More than once, he had asked you to be closer to him but you had told him no. The circumstances had always been wrong. If you were going to be, even in the same city, you felt like it would be dangerous and that was partly why you didn’t tell him you were in Rome. Sometimes you felt like he treated you like a security blanket who would always be there to make him feel better.

“I sell books, but I don’t make as much as you might think. So I need a job to have financial security. I don’t have the luxury to drop everything and run to you whenever you get your feelings hurt. I’m not someone you can use up and throw away when you get your fill. Now I get that you’re already upset about something, but you’re taking it out on me for some reason, but I don’t know what that is because you won’t tell me. So unless you want to talk about it, I need to get back to work. You better get your shit together before your panel tomorrow.” Not hearing a response of any kind, you checked to see if the call were still connected. Seeing the timer ticking by on the call, you ended it by saying, “Call me after your first event,” and hit the ‘end’ button.

All day Friday, you were either checking out the con vendors or going on self-guided tours in the city. Staying busy like that not only helped improve your mood, but also your adjustment to Rome time. All of the walking actually made your legs hurt. What didn’t hurt was your proximity to the Colosseum. A mere two minute walk away, you took advantage of your location and saw as much as you could.

On Saturday, you decided to get fancy for the con and the panels. Jensen had a panel around eleven and that was when you were going to make your presence in Rome known. Since you’d gotten fit, you’d bought new clothes for the con and it made you feel good to look good and healthy. You put on designer jeans, white t-shirt and a light jacket that had a Burberry plaid on it, and chose a heeled black boot to finish off the outfit. Your hair had blonde highlights and you used products to enhance your naturally wavy hair. When you were happy with your look, you grabbed your handbag filled with what you needed and left your room.

You managed to keep a low profile at JIB as far as guest speakers went. You were pretty sure Rich was the only one who knew you were there, maybe Rob, but you weren’t such good friends that you would be discussed among them and you were glad of it. Your anonymity had become precious to you with the hoopla around your books.

As soon as the doors opened for Jensen’s panel, you went inside and found your seat, waiting for the announcement that his panel would begin. You snapped a few pictures to send to Jen later. Ten minutes into your wait, the seats all around you had filled in and the room was abyss with excitement.

When they finally called him out, you were practically on pins and needles, too. He looked good and happy as usual and was extremely entertaining. You snapped a few more pictures of him for Jen and sent them immediately. You listened to a few people ask their questions and through the process, his gaze never really landed on you, until you shot your hand up for a question. The motion caught his attention and you locked eyes with him.

“This lady here,” he pointed at you.

You looked for the attendant to hand you a microphone.

“Oof. Hi. I’m a little nervous,” you said into the microphone.

Jensen smiled, “You’re doing fine.”

“I was wondering if you have a favorite vacation memory from when you were a kid.”

His grin got bigger. “Oh wow. American. Did you come here just for this? Or do you have other plans?”

“No, I came to meet up with a friend. He recommended a hotel and it’s really close to the city center and has some great walking tours I was hoping to do with him.”

“Is he at the same hotel as you? Hmm, seems like there is a story there,” he was playful.

“You have no idea,” you said.

“So back to your question,” he got back on track, “It’s funny you should ask. I was supposed to go to a camp and I missed the bus. It made my parents mad ‘cause they had a hotel getaway planned and I ruined it, so, they made me go with ‘em.” The audience responded. “Yeah, none of us were happy about it. So we’re in the lobby and this person walks right into me and their stuff goes flying and I see that they are about the same age as me. We hang out, have a good time. They kicked my ass at skeeball. I’m still pissed about it. At the time we said we would be pen-pals.” The audience aww’s. “I know. It’s some cute shit. We still write.” He nodded to the reaction again. “This person is one of my dearest friends to this day. Thanks for the question.”

“Thank you.”

“Good memory,” he grinned at you.

The rest of the panel went great and Jensen was in a great mood the whole time. The panel flew by and before you knew it, his time was up and you were gathering your things to go grab lunch.

“Miss? Excuse me?”

You hadn’t even noticed the woman approaching you. You assumed she worked for the convention.

“Yes?”

“Are you Nova?” You nodded. “Please come with me. Daniella would like to see you.”

“Daniella Daniella? As in promoter of this show, wants to see me?” you were shocked, but gathered your things quickly when she nodded yes. You could only assume that Jensen had told her his nickname for you.

The woman led you up onto the stage and down through to the back to the private area set up for the talent. You found out, through small-talk, that her name was Samantha and she was working her 3rd JIB for Daniella. Finally, she stopped at a set of double doors and led you inside to what turned out to be a talent greenroom. You didn’t see Daniella.

The sight of him never failed to make your heart do an extra hard jump in your chest. It didn’t matter how much time had passed, he never lost that Texas cowboy stance, bow legs and all. He may have been wearing work boots, jeans and t-shirt, but he could have been wearing a suit and you still would have thought, “there’s my cowboy.”

Jensen turned at the sound of the door closing. He stood there a moment to fully register that you really were there with him in Italy. His right shoulder dropped and a grin settled on his handsome features.

“There she is,” he came toward you with arms stretched wide.

You went to him, arms up high. He squeezed the hell out of you lifting your feet off the floor. For giggles, he gave you a little bounce and your back popped from top to bottom eliciting a moan of surprise from you.

“I love it when you do that,” he whispered in your ear.

You smacked his shoulder, “Dude, stop!” You couldn’t help but smile. “Does this mean you got your shit together?” you asked.

He shook his head, “Not even a little, but I’m going to make the best of this trip.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“Not now, but eventually,” he said.

You didn’t respond right away and looked up at him, searching his face for clues. “Okay. Can I ask, why did you want me to come?”

“You’re my friend and I want my other friends to know you. You’re my friend. They’re my friends. We should all be friends.”

“Such a dork. You’re lucky any of us are willing to be seen with you.”

“I know.” He put his arm around you and introduced you to everyone.

After being in the green room, you ended up spending the rest of the weekend with Jensen and his friends. You could not have asked for a better time. You got to sit backstage and see all of the panels and talk with his friends while they were waiting. It was all just really nice.

One night, the whole group met at your hotel and walked around the city center and landed at an outdoor cafe that was near a huge fountain. Everyone was eating food, drinking drinks and having a good time. You all assumed the camera flash was from the friends group.

You were getting tired and very relaxed, so you were leaning over onto the table, using your arm and table to prop you up while you talked to Jensen, who was practically doing the same thing. *flash* Then Rich came over to you to pull you out of your seat to do some shenanigans with him and the other boys by the fountain. It wasn’t until everyone was practically on the way home to the States that the shit hit the fan.

You happened to be on the same flight to the US as Jensen and you both were sitting in the airport when he got the call from Dee. You were busy looking out the windows trying to soak in all of the sights, but you could still hear almost everything, and it wasn’t good.

The one phrase you could hear quite clearly was, “The pictures are everywhere, Jensen. What am I supposed to think?!”

You tried not to react to her obvious and somewhat justified anger at Jensen. Instead, you immediately searched for new pictures of Jensen on Google and saw exactly why she was mad. You and Jensen had only been talking and telling each other funny stories. You’d even nearly fallen asleep at that table and that was when Rich came to get you. Whomever the photographer was had caught you as you’d nearly bounced your head off the table and Jensen reached out to break your fall. In reality, he was only checking to see if you’d hit your head on the table, but it looked like he was tenderly touching your face. No matter how many times he told Dee he was just checking for an injury, she wouldn’t believe him. As innocent as the pictures were, it was the headlines and speculation that dealt the most damage.

You could barely hear him now and you could tell, in the window reflection, that he was trying not to lose his temper. Thankfully, it was still very early and there weren’t a lot of people to witness the exchange.

As discreetly as you could, you went over to the ticket counter and asked if you could change flights. When they told you what it would cost to change flights and availability, or to change seats on your current flight, you were trying to make a decision on what to do. In the middle of discussing options, Jensen snuck up on you and asked what you were doing.

“Checking for alternate seating and other flights back to the states,” you answered.

“No, you’re not,” he said, matter-of-fact.

“Is this man bothering you?” the gate attendant asked.

“No, it’s okay. He’s not bothering me. Can I come back in a few minutes?” She nodded and said, “of course,” then Jensen pulled you away to talk.

“Why are you changing flights?” he asked.

“Jensen…” you began, “I could hear Dee.”

He sighed, looking up at the ceiling.

“I don’t want to upset her more by showing up in Chicago with you. Plus, people not knowing my face is one thing I am extremely happy about. I don’t want any publicity at all and this is the bad kind for you. I may still be able to get away with denying everything, but what about you? What are you going to do?”

“Tell the truth, if anyone asks. You and I need to talk,” he said, looking very serious.

The two of you found the quietest corner in the airport that you could find and Jensen finally told you the reason he was in a sour mood when he arrived in Rome.

“Jensen, I’m so sorry,” you said.

“It’s not your fault,” he said. This is all on me. “All you ever wanted was a friend and to follow your dream, just like me.”

“Has she said anything else?”

“No, not yet.”

“Think she will?”

He shrugged.

“Jay, I really am sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

The last text he had sent Y|N was before the fight was asking if she was going to JIB. Dee made her feelings known that she did not like the nature of his relationship with Y|N, saying they were way too close to only be friends. Maybe it had been a mistake to tell Dee he had only kissed her one time and it had been over ten years before he even met Dee. They just had a closeness that only friends of over twenty years could have.

February 2016

Soft, non-descript music played over the sound system. It was oddly quiet for the enormous amount of people he knew were inside. He signed the book with his usual “Jay Wayne” and walked toward the double doors. People were still mingling, but he spotted Y|N at the front, sitting by herself, staring straight ahead.

He moved his way through the crowds of people as he tried to get to Y|N. He didn’t see her mom or brother as he weaved his way to the front. He sidestepped into the row and sat on the pew next to her. She barely acknowledged his presence. He put his hand over her and she turned her wrist to clasp his hand in return.

“How are you holding up?” he asked quietly.

“Surprisingly well. Got a lot of my crying out of the way already. But I went a little crazy at the store. Saw a friend and I honestly don’t remember what I said to him…and I never see anyone I know there. It was weird.”

“I thought Sir would always be around to scare the shit out of me.”

“His brothers are here.”

“Thee brothers?”

She nodded. “Don’t worry, they’re old men in bad hats.”

Jensen looked around and picked out the three men in hats he suspected to be Y|N’s uncles.

“They look like guys who have seen and done things.”

“That’s fair,” she responded. A few beats passed, “I can’t believe he’s gone, Jay.”

He put his arm behind her on the pew and she moved closer to him.

“I knew something was off at Thanksgiving, even then it was still too late…” she said.

“Then you know there wasn’t anything you could have done differently.”

“Oh I know, but I’m still mad. He should have been at a desk job instead of still out on job sites. My uncle took him from me. Took away any special moments we should have had. Took him from his grandchildren… by the way, I’m an aunt again, but my nephew will never know him. He will never get to walk me down the aisle.” The rage willed up inside her. “I will never forgive him. I hope he feels guilty for the rest of his miserable life and rots in the misery of it.”

“Do we need to go outside?” he asked, leaning to talk into her ear.

“No, I’m fine. I’ll just do what I always do, shove it deep down inside where it can fester instead of telling every last motherfucker in here exactly what I think of them.”

“Okay, we’re going outside.”

He stood up with her and took her hand to lead her through the crowds of people and met her mom on the way.

“Oh Jensen, you came. That’s so good of you.” she said and she noticed Y|N behind him.

“Of course. I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m sorry, but I need to get her outside…”

“Oh boy, I know that look. Through those doors and to the left, then right,” she pointed the way.

He didn’t waste time and got her outside. It was like watching a piece of hot metal skittering around in a cold pan. She was literally so hot, she was practically steaming in the cold air.

“He’s got some fucking balls showing his face here. He didn’t even recognize me at the hospital, or so he said. I haven’t changed that much! That sonofabitch worked his own brother to death! Always sending him and his crew out to fix what my cousin’s incompetent crew fucked up. Do you know he never even gave my dad a raise in all the years he worked for him? Not once, Jay. But my dad was too good of a person to ask, but he shouldn’t have had to do that of his own brother. Of course, there probably wasn’t anything left to give after all the scams he ran to embezzle money out of his own company.”

Jensen looked around and noticed a crowd had formed. He tried to calm her, but she needed to say what she needed to say.

“How does a piece of shit human like him continue to suck air and MY DAD IS DEAD?! I hope the guilt of what he’s done eats him up inside until there’s nothing left. All my dad ever did was try to get along with everyone and you just used him and used him til you got what you needed and he never even so much asked for a thank you from you. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!”

An old woman started walking toward Y|N. “That’s enough now. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

“Don’t you take another step toward me you two-faced blowhard, bitch. You’re just as bad as him,” she pointed at her uncle. “Maybe even worse because you suck up to him. Why’d you even come back here? You were already retired in Florida. Did you think Bob was going to share his stolen wealth with you? Did you think he would help you in any way whatsoever? Who was it that showed up when you needed help? It sure as fuck wsn’t Bob! My dad didn’t even want this service, but you browbeat and conned my brother into convincing my mother to have it! Do you have enough attention now, Faye, or should I continue?”

It was then that her brother came through the crowd, pushed Jensen’s arm away, picked Y|N up and carried her about thirty feet further back in the funeral parking lot.

“What the hell are you doing?” Jarrod was angry.

“Telling the truth,” she answered.

Jarrod was fuming. “I’m not going to say anything of what you said was wrong, but this wasn’t the time to do it. What about Mom?”

“She agrees with me! Do you even listen to her? You’re so blinded by all of the shit they do, Jarrod,” she stood toe to toe with her much larger brother.

Jarrod’s face was red with anger, or maybe it was embarrassment, at what Y|N had said. Jarrod turned to Jensen, “Handle her.”

Jarrod walked back toward the now somewhat dissipated crowd and talked to them. His already loud voice carried on the breeze, “If anyone here doesn’t like what my sister had to say, you may leave at any time. It will not be discussed any further at this service. Please go back inside if you want to stay.”

Jensen took off his suit jacket and put it around Y|N’s shoulders. Her anger unload had left her shivering and in a sobbing mess. He put his arms around her and let her cry it out. It took five agonizing minutes of grief sobs for her to eventually slow down and breathe normally again.

“You must think I’m crazy,” she said softly, clutching his now well-used pocket square.

“Where I’m from, we call women like you ‘spicy”.” he said gently walking her back toward the funeral home.

“Do you believe me?”

“Never known you to lie, Y|N.’

They stepped inside and she gave him back his jacket.

“Do you want to stay or go to your mom’s?” he asked.

She shook her head, “No. We’re staying and whomever doesn’t look me in the eye is someone who is guilty. You watch.”

He did, indeed, watch and she wasn’t wrong. People avoided her gaze, either out of the guilt she suspected, or to avoid her wrath from whatever reason. Some smiled at her in sympathy and a few came to check on her. The cousins he remembered from the races were among those who checked on her. The older one commented how Y|N got both her mom & dad’s temper before giving her a hug and moving on.

Eventually they were back outside again for the military honors which ended the memorial service. He stood away from the immediate family seating, but close enough to step in if needed. His heart hurt for her, seeing her jump out of her skin during the rifle salute.

She was getting up from her seat and Jensen’s attention was drawn to a bottle blonde who may have, at one time, been attractive and was now very wrinkled and unnaturally tan. She was watching Y|N too intently for his liking.

Sure enough, as soon as Y|N was somewhat on her own, the blonde made her move. She marched right over to Y|N and nearly shoved her in her rapid approach.

“What is wrong with you?!” she hissed.

“Does the truth hurt? Can’t help but notice none of you are trying to deny anything. Tell me, how much company money was spent bailing out Junior when he got picked up, repeatedly, for DUI? Y|N wasn’t keeping her voice down. “Did you call it ‘office expenses’?”

Jensen didn’t interfere, but he was right beside her, ready.

“What gives you the right to talk about us like that? As if you don’t have skeletons in your closet?”

“My skeletons don’t include embezzlement, baby daddies, alcoholic siblings, abortions, or fraud spanning years. In fact, my skeleton is pretty fucking epic, but your skanky ass will never hear it from me. One day, you’ll just know, and in that moment, it will be my big Fuck You to all of you criminals.”

Jensen swooped in and pulled her out of the situation and got her to the Range Rover he got at the airport. It still surprised him that such a small city always had a new Range Rover for him to rent.

“Feel better?” he asked, with them both safely inside the locked car.

“Yeah,” she answered quickly. “That felt really, really good.”

He started the car. “Spicy, spicy. I swear, it’s never dull around you.”

At your parents’ house, you made sure to pull your mom aside.

“I’m sorry if what I did causes any problems for you,” you apologized.

“Honey, don’t worry about it. They had it coming as far as I’m concerned,” she assured you. “Just be careful around them. They play dirty.”

“Mm,” you’d thought of that after the fact. “I text my lawyer already. If they want to do something, I’m ready.”

Your mom gave you a devious look, “Did Shelley give you good stuff?”

“Lawyer was happy,” you confirmed.

She looked up at you like you were some kind of mastermind. She wasn’t wrong considering the fact that you’d been gathering information for years, evidence, before you even knew your father was dying. Your lawyer felt criminal, maybe even federal, charges could be filed if you simply gave the word.

“If I haven’t said so recently, or told you enough, I’m so proud of you,” your mom pulled you down for a hug. “I saw Jensen was looking after you.”

“Yeah, he’s a good guy to have in my corner.”

“Did he seem okay to you?” she asked.

You gave her a pointed look. “Are Donna and Alan here?” Your mom only asked questions like that for a reason.

“No,” she said, “they’ll be here tomorrow, though.”

“Very cryptic, mother,” you said. You looked around to see if you could spot where Jensen was hiding.

“Better find him before the girls do,” your mom said, meaning your cousins. Two of them were married, but not the oldest of the three sisters, however, they were all wildcards

Thankfully, or maybe not, you found him sitting on the bed in your childhood bedroom.

“How do you always find the most embarrassing things about me?” you said from the door.

“I can’t believe I’ve never been here before,” he put down the unicorn snow globe your dad got for you.

“Dad got me that at an airport because he was away on a work trip on my birthday,” you told him. “I don’t remember anything else I got that year, but I remember that.”

You sat on the bed next to him.

“Thank you for being here, Jay. I really don’t know what I would do without you,” you put your head on his shoulder. “How’s everything with you?”

“Could be better, could be worse,” he admitted. “Nothing I really want to talk about right now.”

“Understood. You know you can tell me, though, right?”

“Yeah, I do,” he nodded.

“Okay,” you knew better than to push. If he wanted to talk, he would. He probably just needed to work out the details in his head first.

“Remember Rome?” he asked a few moments later.

“How could I forget? Everything was so incredible,” you said.

He nodded, “Remember Danneel and I arguing?”

“Oh no, has something else happened?”

“We’ve been going to counseling and it’s not going well. She’s mad I’m here. Thinks I give you too much attention still.”

You let go of his hand and turned your body away from his so you could see his face. Jensen adjusted to do the same.

“So what do you need to tell me?” you asked. Your stomach hurt all over again. You didn’t want to hear the words you knew were coming.

“The thing is, she’s not wrong. I don’t want to get divorced if there’s a chance. If you don’t hear from me, you know why.”

Of course you understood, you just never thought it would be nearly total silence. Then, out of the blue, you would receive a thick letter or a box from anywhere but Texas. In the boxes would be snow globes, or a piece of glass he thought you would like and lots of letters. Other times you would receive a postcard of a pretty landscape and only signed “J”.

While you missed your friend with a terrible ferocity, it made you happy to know he still thought about you and missed you, too. The letters that came in the box were often 3x their usual length because he still told you everything, they would just show up months and months after they happened.

When your doorbell rang, you thought it was the mailman bringing you another box from Jensen. You went down the steps to answer the door with a little light in your step. You could see a man through the frosted window and you knew something was different.

If you’d bet $5 on who could have been on the other side of the door, you would have lost $5. When you opened the door, you were utterly stunned to see a very tall, dark, and handsome Dan looking back at you.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

“I don’t know if I can do that without yelling,” you were honest. “I have very strong feelings, Dan.”

“I know and I deserve that. I still want to talk,” he said.

You looked around behind him. “Where’s Martin? He must be lurking somewhere.”

“It’s just me.”

“No Roscoe, either?”

“Fully solo, I swear.”

Somehow, you found yourself opening the door to him, allowing him into your home.

Dan had been surprisingly apologetic and admitted how wrong he had been getting involved with another woman.

“Got anything to say about leaving me high and dry in a hospital after losing your baby?” you asked, hearing the acid in your voice.

“I don’t have any excuses, or any explanation where what I did would make sense. I went to therapy, too…and…”

“Do you have a coherent thought in there or are you wasting my time again?”

“That’s the thing, I don’t think I ever gave you the right attention. I never let you get too close. I didn’t want to fall in love with you.”

“Yeah, that was painfully clear, Dan.”

“I did, though…fall in love with you.”

“Oh really?”

“I was hoping,” he began, “we could try again. Us. As a couple. What do you think?”

“Man, you’ve got some balls on you. Why on earth would I do that, so you can shit-stomp my heart again?”

“All I’m asking for is a second chance. We had something before. We can start fresh.”

“Huh. I thought you were going to be corny and say ‘Hi, I’m Dan’ or something like that.”

“I’m dead serious.”

He sat with his hands clasped in front of him on the island. He seemed sincere and remorseful, but you didn’t trust a word out of his mouth.

“I appreciate the sentiment, Dan, but I’m going with ‘no’ on this.” you took the few steps to the door. “You abandoned me at my lowest point after cheating on me. I want to believe you, but I know I will never trust you again.”

You opened the door wide and swung your free arm with your finger pointed to the exit.

“Wish I could say it was good to see you. Tell your parents I said “hi” and tell Dee she can go fuck herself.”

He sighed heavily as he passed the threshold. “For what it’s worth, I really am sorry.”

“Good! You should be! And I do NOT forgive you. Now get the fuck gone. You’re good at that.”

And you had gotten good at acting like things didn’t bother you. Hell, you almost believed you didn’t give a shit, yourself. But as soon as the outside door clicked shut, the tears began to well up. Your stomach had been doing flip-flops and shudders the whole time Dan had been in your apartment. It still felt like he was in the apartment with you, sucking all of the air out of your lungs. You ran for the fire escape door, flung it open and ran up the stairs.

You went over to the deck and laid down on your back. Finally, you could breathe again. Your whole apartment seemed to have a new, oppressive vibe. Everywhere there were memories that you didn’t want to remember. Your dad and Jensen, mostly… all of the useless boyfriends… You needed a change.

December 2019

You sat on the deck of your new house, bundled in a giant, cozy blanket, drinking hot chocolate in front of the fire pit. Fixings for s’mores were near you on a little table next to your chair, which happened to be one your dad made for you. You’d just opened the marshmallows when your phone rang with a video call from Jensen. You left the phone on the arm of your chair when you accepted the video call.

“Dahling, it’s been ages, how are you!?” you were giving Jay your best Edna Mode. You leaned over a little so you could see his face in the screen better. Still in Edna-mode, “My god you look like shit. Talk to me, dahling, tell me everything.”

“You done? Can I talk to my friend now?” he snipped.

“Only if you get the bug out of your ass, fun-hating party-pooper,” you replied.

“Have you heard about this corona virus thing?”

“Of course,” you answered. Suddenly the worry struck you. “Are you sick?”

“No, I’m fine, but they’re canning production. Soonest I could get out of here is tomorrow morning,” he paused. “Where are you and where’s your face? This is face-time. I wanna see your face.”

“I’m outside,” you said and smooshed your marshmallow between graham crackers and chocolate, “Making s’mores.” you showed him your completed sandwich.

“Isn’t that dangerous on the roof?” he asked.

You just stared at him in disbelief. “Jay, do you even read the letters I send you? I must have wrote about it a dozen times or more. I even sent you paint chips early on.”

The crease between Jensen’s eyebrows deepened. “I must have missed it,” he concluded.

You suspected that him missing something was not the case at all. If anything, Jensen could be meticulous to a fault.

“I built a house, Jay,” you explained. “I’m sitting outside, on my deck, wrapped in a blanket and having s’mores… probably for dinner.” You shrugged after taking a bite. “It’s an acreage and I can see the stars out here.”

A few awkward moments passed before either of you spoke. Jensen went out onto the balcony at his apartment in Vancouver.

“Congrats on the house, Y|N,” he said, finally. “I’m glad you have somewhere you can be in case this shit goes sideways. …do you have protection?”

You snickered, your mind had all of the dirty comments, but you answered seriously “Um, yeah, I’m all set. The house is actually ready for almost anything. And yes, I have a security system and various… implements if needed. Pantry is stocked. Lots of land for a garden. All of the streaming services,” you could see him nod with each item you listed. “What about you? You gonna make it in Austin okay?” he rolled his eyes. “You know Texas takes their yee-haw too far. I hope the gate is sturdy at your house.”

“If they make us lockdown, I’ll be in Austin with Danneel.” he said. “We got all the things, too,” he said with finality.

You’d finished your s’more and wished you’d spiked your hot chocolate.

“Do you think it will happen?” you asked.

“I don’t know, but if we do, I just wanted to make sure you were good to go. You wanna show me around the new digs?”

“Nah, I’m feeling pretty lazy right now,” you held up the phone over your head to show him what little could be seen with the dim lighting you had on. “That’s as good as you’re getting tonight.”

“Not decorating for Christmas? And what is that?,” he leaned forward as if he would somehow get a better look, “is that cement?”

“Nosy.”

“I bet the neighbors love that,” he teased.

You adjusted in your chair. “The neighbors can’t see shit. Closest one is at least a mile away, plus there’s trees, hills and the river. You can’t even see the house from the road.”

“There it is. I was wondering what got you out of the apartment; the river.”

You shrugged, “It’s partly why I bought the land. It was hard to be in the apartment.”

“How come?”

Sometimes he could be so oblivious. “All I could see up there were memories I didn’t want to think about anymore. Reminders that I’m never anyone’s first choice. Maybe I’ll get a dog.” You felt the sting in your eyes and the burning feeling in your nose hit you hard. You took a deep breath and cleared your throat to cut off the feelings of loneliness that were threatening to spill out in a torrent.

Sadly, you knew he thought you were talking about all of the ex boyfriends you had and not considering he may be one of the reasons you couldn’t stay at the apartment any longer.

“Dude, no. Just… don’t get a dog. And I’m sorry. Are you renting it out, or what?”

“Yeah, my mom, actually. She needed to get away from memories, too,” you said.

“She doin’ good? Give her my best,” he said. When you nodded, he continued, “So, when is the next smut book coming out?”

“Jay, it’s not smut. … It’s not all smut. People compare me both to Nicholas Sparks and Hallmark and Danielle Steel, so I’m not quite sure what to make of that, but it’s not all smut. People really like romance and I’m told I put good little bits of humor in, too.”

“Are you ever going to use me as a muse?”

You never knew what to think of him asking that. Did he want you to think of him as a romantic partner?

“No. Stop asking. I told you I have you in mind for something else.”

“What ever happened with that?” he asked.

“I’ve published a few books,” you said.

“What? You have?” the crease between his brows was back. “You didn’t tell me that.”

Your career had only amounted to something when you finally got over your fear of letting anyone read your stories. You didn’t even know if you would have been able to write at all if you were with Jensen. Even so, you couldn’t help but feel like you’d missed out on a life with him.

“Because I didn't want you to know. You know how it is. It’s doing good though. Just leave it alone, okay?”

He couldn’t. “So I’m guessing it’s not under Nova Scott?”

“Jensen. Stop.”

It was really good to see him and it had been too long since the last time. You always felt better after talking to him, even when he was in a pissy mood. When you got the Face-Time calls, you finally felt like you were whole again. And after you hung up, you were back to missing him.

Pandemic 2020-2022

As far as your career went, you couldn’t have asked for better conditions. People were reading books like crazy and you had never written as consistently, or as much, as you had prior to that time. You quit your full-time job and got a job at the local grocery store with part-time hours. With all of your “free time”, you learned how to make soap and got prolific at crochet and cranked out a ton of scarves, blankets, potholders and coasters.

It was working at the grocery store, where you would get a little downtime, and could have a chance to look at the magazines and tabloids. Rumors on the tabloids speculated that Jensen and Danneel were talking to divorce lawyers. Since it was a tabloid, you didn’t give it much credence. But, several months later, when People Magazine picked up the story, your heart sank. As much as you didn’t like Dee, you knew the rumors had to be true and Jensen was surely hurting.

The pandemic had thrown a lot of lives into a turmoil that many had never faced before. Not every couple survived. Jensen being forced to slow down and not work so hard probably didn’t help matters. There were times when you tried to call him during his life’s upheaval, but for whatever reason, he didn’t take your call. You almost called his mom to see how he was doing, but you didn’t. When a year and a half passed with minimal contact from him, the tabloids showed Jensen out on the town with a new woman every few months. It stung that he didn’t want you. After all you had been through together, you thought maybe your time had finally come where you could finally be Jensen & Y|N.

You were trying to not see too much about what was going on, but it was hard not to notice the chatter on social media. Usually, if Jensen or Jared were out on the town, it was Jared who made headlines. After Dee, it was Jensen, and whatever flavor of the month, was on his arm.

If he had been with you, maybe you would have been able to keep him from spiraling into whatever dark hole he was falling into. He was still together enough to get a job with Kripke again and started weight training for the role. When he posted progress pictures, you couldn't believe your eyes. Not only was he looking more like himself again, but he was also very hairy and muscular… You learned from a fan site that the pictures were old and he was already planning his next job, a movie with Alec Baldwin… he hadn’t even told you that… It felt like you were drifting away from him with any form of communication almost non-existent, not even a letter.

When the incident on the set of “Rust” happened and got to the press, you texted him to see if he was okay, but all you got in response was a house emoji a few hours later. And that was it. Radio silence.

A couple of months after “Rust”, Donna called you out of the blue.

“Hello?” you answered.

“Y|N? Hon, have you heard from my boy?” Donna asked, a worried note crept into her voice.

Your blood ran cold. Donna couldn’t contact him.

“Not since Arizona,” you said. “How long since you heard from him?”

“Same time. We’ve checked with everyone else already. We were hoping he was with you.”

“No, ma’am,” the gravity of the situation pulled you down into your kitchen table chair. “I haven’t seen him in person since before covid. No letters in over a year.”

“I need you to find him. A whole new mess has cropped up. Some hussy saying terrible things,” she paused, noticing you didn’t say anything. “You haven’t heard… it’s all over TMZ. Y|N, I need you to find him and help him.”

“I…,” you didn’t know where to begin. “I don’t know how I’m going to find him if you can’t track him down.”

She sighed. “I don’t know that anyone but you can find him. You are his best friend, hon. He loves you so much . Nothing would stop him if it were you. And sweetie,” she paused, “he won’t come back for anyone but you. I’m sure of it.”

“I’ll find him.”

You didn’t have to dig too deep to find what Donna was talking about. A woman claiming to be a girlfriend of his sold pictures of him, passed out, to TMZ saying he was on a bender. That wasn’t the worst part. She also sold pictures of herself with injuries, claiming that Jensen had caused them. Just by looking at the pictures, you could tell something wasn’t quite right with her story. You believed the injuries were real, but not that Jensen was responsible. He would never raise a hand to a woman.

The only thing you could think to do was go to your box of Jensen letters and search for anything you thought might help. It took a couple days to read through them all. You narrowed it down to the more obscure postal codes and worked out from there. After researching everything from land purchases to DMV records and tons of phone calls, you’d created a list of three potential places to check out.

You closed your laptop and looked around at your house before picking up your phone.

“Mom, I need you to look after my house for a while.”

#jensen ackles rpf #wildwood #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #spn fanfiction

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