#Kisame is my favorite shark boy

[immoralimmortals]

Things I've written about the Akatsuki that i think are funny out of context, because I think I'm funny and love microdosing on stroking my own ego

(this is a third person reader x akatsuki fic I swear to god, please believe me it's ROMANTIC, I don't just make them look stupid, I PROMISE I SWEAR ON MY LIFE--)

☆ Hidan wrote a book by ripping pages out of an already existing one, putting in his own that he wrote in blood (origin unknown) and not even attempting to glue them to the blinding.

☆ Kakuzu being forced to say the word "duckling" with such great disdain he may throw up.

☆ Literally just anything about the fact that Kakuzu became a talent agent on his own free will

☆ Hidan thinking that Kakuzu being your talent agent is-- in a very literal sense-- a fate worse than death

☆ “Doesn’t matter. Physical agony fortifies the soul. Whatever.” (about accidentally letting the performer starve)

☆ "She’d be lying if in some way this wasn’t her dreams come true. ...Minus the serial killers, or whatever they are. They won’t really tell her. But she can make that work!"

☆ 1) You’re a failure of society.

2) You’re a kidnapping victim.

3) You’re in a cult.

4) You’re a one-man band with a manager AND you’re in a cult.

☆ Zetsu scaring people on purpose, then Zetsu being flabbergasted and insulted as he scares people by accident!

☆ The performer thinking Kisame is Itachi and Itachi is Kisame. Because of course the big scary shark man is the evilest here, right? (Holding Itachi's hand like la dee da! Boy sure am glad I'm not with the scary clan killer!)

☆ The above being ZETSU'S FAULT on PURPOSE

☆ "Were Hidan and Kakuzu really that mean to other people…? Grumpy, yeah— also yeah okay they were killers or whatever— but they didn’t start any fights! Yet!"

☆ Kisame thinking YouTube is shit from description alone

☆ "The raven shakes his head, despite how helpfully Hidan gestures in a shoving motion, demonstrating the direction in which he should move his ass."

☆ Tobi jumpscare (ALSO ZETSU'S FAULT)

☆ Directly taking inspiration of how Tobi gets punched by Hidan from this Smiling Friends clip

☆ Hidan being allergic to cleanliness

☆ Hidan spending his entire month-long stipend on useless animal figurines he did not want that may or may not be cursed

☆ “Did Takara-chan get the kitty statue?”

A thud sounds beside her chair, a sack cloth with the weight of a whole baby hitting the floor. “Yup. You could say that.”

☆ Kakuzu's type is people that surprise him even after being alive for so long. Therefore, apparently, he's attracted to fucking idiots.

☆ Kakuzu getting told someone tried to kill themselves over being in debt and his first reaction is "wow that's a LOT of money" instead of anything about the killing yourself or whatever

☆ Zetsu LYING BY OMISSION AGAIN BECAUSE THAT'S HIS FAVORITE HOBBY

☆ “Guess it’s a good thing you don’t wanna hurt yourself or whatever.” said in disappointment

☆ “Tell the chemicals to stop.”

☆ Deidara giving a powerpoint on why he's the best and Pain being like *nodding, nodding* (has no faith in him whatsoever)

☆ Long suffering Sasori having a point proven to him that does not need proving (that Deidara is the best)

☆ Getting attached to a clay mouse Deidara made only for it to commit suicide (all according to plan! Isn't he dreamy ;) )

...And more to come!

[strawberryeclips]

Me after five drinks, seeing Kisame and Itachi anywhere.

"ah yes if it isn't my two favorite Akatsuki members; Shark boi and Lava Girl."

[hellcifrogs]

I can't wait to see Kisame I'm so hyped for my favorite feral shark boy ♡

A lot of people seem to be excited to see Kisame and that is great, but I'm getting nervous because I'm not too confident I can draw him properly 🥲

But I have great moments planned for him <3

[squiglylines]

Mei and Kisame 💜

[saintrocklee]

based off of this artwork 🥵

no thoughts no editing, just vibes about kisame 🦈 getting taken and tied up and then having his wife placed in front of him to try and get him to talk. this is extremely self indulgent and quick paced and i make no apologies. no smut this time - i literally wrote this in 30 minutes asdfghjdsl.

kisame spits blood onto the floor, thoroughly annoyed. he can’t move much - his arms are tied uncomfortably behind him, and his legs are secured to the legs of the chair he’s sitting in. the red rope is stronger than it looks and kisame would be impressed with the knot work if he wasn’t so fucking pissed.

“alright shark tale listen up, cause i’m only gonna say this once.”

the kid talking to him smells like stale cigarettes and kisame can’t wait to kill him. annoying little fucker had punched him earlier when kisame called him a limp dick bitch and now there was blood on his favorite dress shirt. and his voice - like nails on a goddamn chalkboard. kisame’s tunes him out, glancing around the room and making note of everything he sees.

one exit, guarded by two beefy dudes. kisame’s bigger than them, but they took his guns and judging by the bulges around their legs and waist they’re both packing. they were both stiff though, almost like they were unsure about how to act - which meant they were probably inexperienced. there were two other dudes in chairs behind the kid, both smaller and twitchy - one of them was toying with a knife and smiling, which was creepy but hardly intimidating. none of them would be a huge problem, kisame could break the scrawny kids necks with one well placed squeeze and the dudes by the doors were probably seconds away from pissing themselves. the issue was the sixth guy with the scarred face - who was currently missing. he’d been the one that caught kisame off guard - itachi was going to have a field day when he found out someone got the jump on him - and was more than likely the actual one in charge.

“you listenin’ to me, you fucking freak?”

kisame rolls his eyes and cracks his neck.

“not really.”

his comment earns him a rather rough slap and kisame can’t help but grin. it jostles him a little but judging by the kid’s face it hurt him more than it hurt kisame.

“alright, fine. i got ways to make you talk.”

the wimpy boy holding the knife giggles and kisame curls his lip in disgust. the rope is too tight for him to really pull on so he starts rotating his wrist, looking for weaknesses.

suddenly, the door bursts open and kisame freezes. the scarred guy from earlier was dragging someone into the room with him and it took kisame less than a second to recognize who it was.

shit.

the other twitchy guy gives up his seat and pushes it directly in front of kisame, a cocky grin on his face. you’re roughly shoved into it and kisame feels fire burn through him when he sees that you’re blindfolded and gagged and that your wrists are bound in front of you. keeping a firm hold on your upper arm, the scarred man violently tugs your blindfold and gag off. your head lolls to the side and you blink, eyes adjusting to the room. kisame watches a million emotions fly across your face before you look at him, eyes following the trail of blood coming from his nose.

“we found your pretty lil’ wife - bet she’d look real cute with a cut throat.” the scarred man says, letting go of your arm and pulling out a small knife from his pocket. kisame feels something sinister crawl through him and opens his mouth to tell the bastard exactly what would happen to him if he touched you when you cut him off.

“what the fuck kisame. that’s my favorite shirt.”

your voice is raspy, but kisame can still hear the irritation in your tone. the scarred man looks down at you, face contorting with confusion - did you not just hear him threaten to kill you? you ignore him, instead looking at kisame, and even tap your heels in annoyance against the ground. kisame sighs.

“babe, i don’t think now is -”

“oh, what? you don’t think - what? seriously, kisa? these guys?”

the scarred man’s face falls and starts to twist into anger. the lackeys behind him are all staring at you like you’ve grown an extra head and kisame rolls his eyes.

“yeah, yeah - can we talk about this later?”

you snort and roll your eyes right back.

“yeah, sure, why not. we can talk later, fucking christ.” you eye the man standing next to you who’s turning red with rage and glance at his knife.

“you gonna do something with that, stud?”

kisame groans - he hates when you play with your food like this - and watches the man’s eyes almost pop out of his head.

“you stupid little bitch -”

he moves on you with the knife but you’re faster and twist in your seat - your feet catching him in the stomach and crotch. he falls forward, the wind knocked out of him, and you kick upward, the front tip of your heel catching him perfectly in the chin and rocking his head back. kisame whistles softly as he hits the ground and glances at the three dudes behind you.

“you three might wanna head out.”

you turn toward them, hands still bound, just as the door bursts open. the two men guarding it are handled swiftly by itachi and hidan and soon they’ve both got guns pointed at the trio, ushering them onto the floor. it’s all handled in minutes and kisame taps his foot anxiously - wanting to get out of this goddamn chair. once they’re secured itachi frees you and you turn to kisame, rubbing your wrists. he grins, looking up at you, and cocks his head slightly.

“hey darlin’.”

you scoff and run your hand through his hair, assessing his injuries.

“don’t hey darlin’  me - i’m going to kick your ass. we had dinner plans, kisa.”

he sighs and rolls his shoulder. the ropes were becoming uncomfortable and his wrists were starting to burn.

“i know baby, i’ll make it up to you.”

you snort and take your hand out of his hair to walk behind him.

“jesus, they really got you tied up. are you seriously stuck?” kisame can hear the disbelief in your voice and sighs.

“yeah.”

you hum thoughtfully.

“what kind of knots are these?”

kisame blinks and turns his head as far around as he can.

“got no idea darlin’, why -” he’s cut off when he hears you snap a picture with your cellphone before you start undoing the rope, a pretty little smile on your face. you glance up to see him craning his neck back, looking confused, and shrug.

“you said you’d make it up to me.”

kisame feels all the blood rush straight to his dick when you lean up and place a soft kiss on his neck. he chuckles.

“you ain’t tyin’ me up baby.”

you make a noise of disagreement and continue working on the ropes, eyes sparkling playfully.

“we’ll see.”

[phoenixyfriend]

In Which Samehada Eats Lightsabers

Related to Madara and Obito… In SPACE

So this started from an offshoot conversation in discord about “can a chakra-enhanced blade stand up to a lightsaber?” We initially talked about stuff like Tobirama’s anime-only lightning sword, the Samurai techniques, and Hiramekarei. General thoughts were “maybe?” with a “almost definitely” on the last one.

And then we brought up Samehada.

You know. This fucker.

[Image Description: a gif of a set of bandages shredding off of some large blue scales, which pulls back to reveal that the scales are Samehada’s. Samehada is a large ‘sword’ that is about eight or nine feet long including the handle, and widens from the handle into a mouth that is about a yard across, filled with large teeth. The sword’s body is covered in dark blue scales, and the handle (about a yard long) is wrapped in yellow tape. The pommel is a small skull. Samehada is held by Hoshigaki Kisame, a tall man with pale blue skin and dark blue hair. His face is largely indistinct due to the distance of the scene. He wears a black cloak which has several stylized red clouds with white borders, and blue sandals with white spats. There is a massive yellow and brown furred body behind him. The only movement in this part of the gif is the shredded bandages falling away from Samehada. End description.]

The question becomes: Do you think Samehada can eat plasma the way it eats chakra?

I assume it can't... but it would be really funny if it could.

@atagotiak​, @creepingthroughthistidalwave​, and @dracothulhu​ were very helpful, and know many things about Star Wars, which I do not. I know many things about Naruto, but not Star Wars.

Question posed by a SW person: Ok. So would that turn off the blade or disable the blade or would it just like. Nom the endless plasma being emitted? My answer: Samehada almost definitely can't nom on a lightsaber but god, the mental image. Suggestion by a SW person: Samehada just using a lightsaber as a baby bottle.

Suggestion by a SW person: Or somehow make the blade shorter. That’s not logical but like. “Why is your lightsaber a light-dagger now?” “Blade got eaten.” “How?” Me: Yes, amazing. An addendum by a SW person: Samehada doesn't even make sense in Naruto, please let it go wild in Star Wars. Me: I live for the shitposts, so yes.

Me: "This just in, a Sith Lord got... eaten... by a shark sword... Hey Dave, is this teleprompter fucking with me?"

Kubikiribochou probably wouldn't stand up to a lightsaber but it grows back if you soak it in blood so mmmmmeh.

A SW person: I mean the lightsabers do run off batteries, the blade being shorter could easily be because Samehada sucked up most of its energy and the wielder had to turn the blade length way down to keep it usable as a weapon. Me, word for word: Oh, a technobabble answer! I like. (I am easily pleased on this front.)

Atagotiak, currently my favorite SW person due to showing of ugly canon tech pictures: Fun fact, Jedi used to have battery Fanny-packs with a cord attached to their lightsabers! (I have seen these now and they are delightfully ugly.)

I absolutely love how that conversation shifted from "Madara shows up to be crotchety and fucks up the plot" to "Kisame shows up and his sword starts eating historic weapons."

Me: So if Kisame shows up in Star Wars, I demand Itachi be there. And if Itachi is there and using his eyes to... idk steal Languages from people's brains or something, then the Jedi probably take notice eventually.

Somebody Stuff My Boy In A Bacta Tank (or just get him some general medical attention jfc)

"We're going to replace your lungs." "With what." "...we're going to replace your lungs."

We’ll ignore that Star Wars medical care is wildly inconsistent, partly because Itachi has plenty of will to live, so long as it gets him closer to death by little brother. Sure, it's conditional, but by all rights he should have been dead long before he was.

"This is going to make it harder for Sasuke to kill me." "Think of it this way: he'll have to train harder and get better to kill you, so he'll be harder for other people to kill after!" "Like Madara." "You know I'm actually friends with that g--" "Like Madara." "...yes, Itachi, like Madara."

Uhhhh at that point the conversation devolved into my delighted showing off of Akatsuki Body Horror gifs and listing off how immortal various characters are, which is no longer relevant, but here’s a snippet anyway because I like to think I’m funny:

Obito's half plant, Zetsu's half plant half goo, Konan turns into paper, Kakuzu is tentacles, Hidan is an immortal, Sasori turned himself into a puppet, Deidara has the hand mouths, Nagato puppets six corpses including that of his best friend, Kisame's a shark person, Itachi's... dying. Itachi's dying.

[baby-the-crybaby]

One Bed ❁ Kisame x Reader

"𝐎𝐇 𝐍𝐎."

A sigh left Kisame’s lips as he stared into the room the two of us would be sharing tonight.

It was a nice room. Not dirty in the slightest and actually very pretty. A simple window that the moonlight would seep through. Two nightstands for the both of us. A bathroom that we could wash up in.

And then finally everyone’s favorite cliche…

A single bed. How wonderful.

“I can go back to the front desk and tell them to give us a new room,” Kisame’s rough voice filled the room after we stepped in.

I sat down on the bed and found it to be very soft and plush. I slid my sandals off along with the cloak we had to wear. While in the midst of removing all my supplies I turned my eyes to Kisame’s fish eyes, “No this is fine.”

He pursed his lips together before sitting on the opposite bed and began to remove his shoes and cloak, basically copying my same moves.

“I can sleep on the floor if you want,” He mutter awkwardly.

“Kisame, it’s really fine. I promise,” I gave him a reassuring smile, which got me a sigh in return.

If I was being honest, I really liked Kisame. Sure he had the face of a shark and had a very strong blood lust and any time you had free time he wanted to brawl, but under all that he was sweet. Crazy, I know right? He was insecure about his shark-like features but the blush he would get on his face every time I would compliment his looks was so cute. And after every brawl he would make sure I was okay and would help me with my wounds.

Though, the way he was acting, it seemed he didn’t feel the same…

While he was busy getting ready for bed, I grabbed two of the pillows on the bed and placed them standing up right in the middle to form a wall between our two spots on the bed. I glanced over at him and studied his backside. He was currently removing his shirt to sleep, like most boys do in fan fictions, and I got a good look at him. His shoulder blades bending back as he reached his arms up and the defined muscles that traced his back. I would give anything to run my hands against it. His large arms that reached over his head were just as stunning.

He turned his head over to me and I quickly turned the other way before he could notice me staring. He took a notice of the wall I made instead, “What’s that for?”

I pulled back the blanket of the bed and sat down on the opening I made for myself. I slid under the warm covers as I answered, “To keep us seperated.”

He chuckled, “Scared I’m going to try something?”

A blush painted itself along my cheeks, “N-No of course not! I trust you.”

He seemed shocked at my choice of words, “Right…”

As he was getting under the covers, I saw a big red gash on the side of his stomach. I gasped and that sight and felt disappointed at the fact that I hadn’t noticed earlier, “Kisame, you’re injured.”

I reached over to it, but he gripped my hand tightly, “It’s fine. It’ll be gone by morning.”

I puffed my cheeks out in a pout, “You should still wrap it just in case it gets infected.” I threw the covers off of me and went over to my medical pouch I had wrapped around myself earlier. I opened it up and pulled out something to wrap him up. I threw that on the bed and went into the bathroom and grabbed a washcloth. I wet the washcloth and went back to Kisame.

I sat across from him as I started to dab the washcloth against his wound. He winced causing me to smirk, “Oh come on. Don’t be a baby, Kisame.”

“(Y/N)...” He glared at me until I glanced up at him. His glare softened until he was lightly chuckling. His laugh caused me to carry along with him.

Once the wound was cleaned up, I reached over and grabbed the elastic wrap. I unraveled it and slowly began to wrap it around his large torso. Each time the wrap would go around his back I would have to lean over and grab it and do a repeat. I would get so close to him, my face almost against his chest. My arms were wrapped around his body. I could hug him if I wanted to, but we’re just coworkers, that’s all.

I tore the band off and placed it back on the bed. I made sure the wrap was securely around his body and wouldn’t fall off during the night, “Does that feel okay?” He simply nodded. “Okay then. Well good night.”

I rolled over to my side of the bed and fixed the wall I made earlier. I threw the wrap and the washcloth somewhere in the room and I would worry about them tomorrow. I got back under the covers feeling cold even though I had thick covers over my body. Maybe it was the fact I was alone on my side of the bed.

Eventually I fell asleep, but during the night I kept waking up.

The first time was when I realized I rolled over on his side of the bed and had one side of my body on him. I quickly rolled back over.

The second time was when our bodies were touching because I had somehow destroyed the wall of pillows I made. I scooted over as far as I could.

The third time was when I felt his large arm slung over my body. He obviously didn’t mean to do that so I was trying to push myself off of him until I realized that I couldn’t go anywhere besides the floor.

“(Y/N), stop moving,” He grumbled as he roughly pulled my back against his chest. “Just cuddle with me.”

“Huh?” I turned over to face him. He had his eyes shut and was busy trying to go to sleep.

“I’m not going to let this opportunity go to waste. Just get the hint already,” He was grumpy. I probably kept him up with all my frantic movement. “I really like you.”

“You do?” I almost choked on my own words. Kisame likes me? There’s no way. I’m still sleeping. “Are you serious?”

His bloodshot eyes finally opened to look into my tired ones, “Yes!” He dragged it on. “Now go to sleep before I change my mind.”

I giggled sweetly as I pushed more into him. I let my eyes come to a close as sleep crawled up my leg, “That’s good. Because I like you too.”

His head laid against the back of mine and I could feel his lips turn up into a smile.

[theresastoryintheresomewhere]

when i was working over the summer i was known for wearing graphic t-shirts

my supervisor asked me, on a day i was wearing a naruto shirt, who my favorite naruto character was

when i said “kisame”, he was more than a little shocked and asked “big blue shark boy??? really”

[skeleslime-phantom]

Tagged via @loppumon , thanks man, and y'all need to go check out his art too it's fuckin' RAD.

Rules; name ten favorite characters from ten different things (tv, movies, books, etc.), then tag ten people.

1. Book Series - Skulduggery Pleasant: Skulduggery Pleasant (wow nobody is surprised)

2. Anime/Manga - Bleach: Mayuri Kurotsuchi (love this humanity devoid mad scientist)

3. Anime/Manga - Naruto: Kisame Hoshigaki (big 'n cool shark man go sploosh)

4. TV Series - Venture Bros.: Red Death (LITERALLY THE PERFECT MAN)

5. Video Game/Anime - Yokai Watch: B3-NK1/Karakuri Benkei (I just think he's neat ^^)

6. Comic Series/TV Specials - Scary Godmother: Skully Pettibone (can my love of skeletons be linked back to him? Most likely)

7. Video Game - A Hat In Time: Snatcher (bastard demon lawyer who WILL sell you for one corn chip)

8. TV Series - OK KO Let's Be Heroes!: Real Magic Skeleton/RMS/Magi (love this dude! He's just vibing)

9. Anime/Manga - Yowamushi Pedal: Midousuji Akira (thats my favorite rude son, go boy go)

10. Video Game - Undertale: Sans (despite everything, I still love Sans)

Taggin' for shits 'n giggles, curious who y'all love: @flamingoskull @v-diggety @bluedancingkittykat @modmad @crowtez @moofrog @nekosamadead

[ninjaships]

Kisame X Mei

Q&A about one of my favorite Naruto ships, Pt1. 

1. Why I like this pairing?

It’s Shark Boy and Lava Girl, what’s not to like? No but seriously they would have such a compelling backstory. They’re both around the same age, and not only did they survive the era of the bloody mist but they are grouped together with some of the strongest Shinobi in the history of the Hidden Mist Village. There is no way these two hadn’t crossed paths multiple times before the main Naruto plot had begun. Kisame was somewhere in his 20s when he left the village, that would have given him plenty of time to form bonds and have many interactions with his fellow Mist Nin (maybe even getting it on with a certain future Mizukage?!?!). So not only is KisaMei chronologically possible (that is if you’re thinking in cannon universe) but I think they would have amazing chemistry as well! Polite, respectful, quick witted, and ruthless in battle, this pairing has a lot more common ground than just their roots. However what would make this pairing so great is not their commonalities but rather how they contrast! The optimist v.s the pessimist. They lived through the same times yet perceived and experienced things in a totally different way. While Kisame gave up on what Kiri was, Mei kept fighting for what she always hoped it could be despite all the corruption and bad blood that consumed their home. On a less serious note, I think Mei’s short fuse and emotional outburst opposed to Kisame’s nonchalant attitude and funny cometary would make for a good dynamic. They would definitely be a very spicy couple, and have an amazing sex life if anything.

2. What would the nature of their relationship be?

In Cannon universe? undefined, bittersweet.

In the cannon universe I don’t think they could ever be in a serious relationship due to the fact that Mei is the FREAKING Mizukage of the Hidden Mist Village and he is an actual ninja terrorist aiming to do away with all the hidden villages. However, I like to headcannon that before Kisame betrayed the mist he had kinda a thing with Mei, like a very casual on and off again relationship with some feelings on the side. I could see them having very playful banter and seeking companionship in one and other due to that fact that they were in a relatively small group of the most elite ninja in the village. I think they would both have a lot of respect for each other despite having different core beliefs. Mei would be open and understanding towards Kisame’s controversial take on their purpose as shinobi, and likewise Kisame would hold her in high regard due to her unwavering loyalty and genuine desire to fix a broken system. I think they would both always hold very tender feelings towards one and other despite being on sworn to two opposing organizations. Now if we're venturing outside of cannon rules, definitely married. Kisame would totally wife that scary dragon lady. Mr. & Mrs. Smith all the way. 

3. Who makes the first move?

Kisame

After much goading from Mei that is. Mei is very flirtatious and forward, yet when it came to down to it she kept waiting for Kisame to initiate things for the first time. I think Mei is a woman who is used to being chased and not being the pursuer, Kisame definitely knew this and was using it agains her. She would be dropping sexual innuendo and not so obvious hints left and right, The swordsman might have given her a chuckle every now and again or at least a huff of amusement, sometimes he would play dumb to her intentions only to get a rise out of her (which it did). But eventually his desire won out. It was after a couple of close calls, resulting from drunken nights after the exhilaration of battle, that Mei had pretty much given up faith in her comrade when he took her by surprise one day with a rather rough and much anticipated return of affections. xxx

4. Do either of them get jealous?

No, neither of them do. I don't think there is anyplace for jealousy in this relationship. They’re both mature adults and usually too occupied with shinobi duties. It just wouldn't work with their life style and professions, plus they're both very loyal people. Mei can be quick to anger as shown a few times in cannon, but at her core she is very intelligent and perceptive. Therefore she would know Kisame well enough to be confident in that he would never intentionally hurt her in anyway. Also Kisame wouldn’t do well with a jealous partner and would find it rather insulting to have someone questioning his character all the time. 

5. Do they want/have children?

Selfishly I’m going to answer yes to the later. 

I could see them having a child out of obligation to the village, I imagine after the third world war and Zabuza’s academy massacre there must have been a high demand to produce a new generation of strong ninja to defend the village against future attacks. Mei had always wanted to start a family of her own, but ideally in a time of peace when her village no longer needed her to fight. I think they both would have strong reservations about bringing a life into such a corrupt and morally grey world, especially Kisame. I have my own KisaMei OC children that i’ve been brainstorming for a while now, hopefully i’ll get around to writing that fan fiction one day. 

If you guys like this paring as well let me know or send me a KisaMei request some time! It’s always great to get inspired by my fellow shippers. 

[thottyimagines]

you have mentioned savagery in some of your posts...which characters do you think are really savage??

lol omg one of my favorite blogs (@might-guys-acorn) was asked something similar a while ago, I remember. (a) check them out. (b) here we go!

Straight savages

Neji

I mentioned this before, but Neji is honestly an animal. 

His byakugan probably just goes beyond the normal abilities. He knows everyone’s secrets. He knows guilty pleasures. Weird shit you do when you’re alone. How you eat chicken nuggets even though you claim you’re a vegetarian. Nothing is sacred and nothing is safe. 

Which is why he said the shit he said to Hinata during the chunin exam prelims. He just knew her secrets. He knew she doubted herself. Honestly, he wasn’t totally wrong, he was just a dick about it. 

I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had burst out with “listen…Naruto is not going to love you back…the mans is fixated on Sasuke…maybe amend your diary?”

Also, he has some funny ass one-liners. Like when Lee tried to give him a piggyback ride and he goes, “I REFUSE.” Didn’t even consider it. 

He gives everyone the hands. Taught himself some main branch techniques. Beats the shit out of everyone with it. 

Sakura

Okay, hear me out. She’s so fucking savage. 

It’s because she’s so bad at empathy. She went off to Sasuke about how Naruto is so wretched because he has no family. Sasuke, whose entire family was annihilated. And this is common knowledge. 

Sakura, who eliminated her friendship with Ino because she thought they shared a crush. 

She is That Bitch. 

Also, didn’t she say she loves getting picked on because that means she’s the best or something?

God, she’d just straight up tell someone they’re looking pretty rough today and not understand why they didn’t like her constructive criticism. 

Might Guy

His savagery, to me, lies in the fact that he keeps forgetting Kisame. 

How do you forget him?? He looks like a shark. He’s a fish on two legs. What is happening?

How shamelessly disrespectful do you have to be to just erase him from your memory three times?

I love that for him. 

Also, unlocking all those gates??

He is also someone who will give anyone and everyone the hands. 

He was so ready to beat the shit out of Madara. 

Also, may I remind you that he made Itachi flee on sight because he knew Guy would destroy his 100-pound ass with pleasure?

Madara

Speaking of, what a fucking animal. 

He was ready to fucking rumble. 

Madara really said “weak people are ugly.” That’s so fucking funny and he totally meant it. 

He manipulated the fuck out of Obito for years (fuck that incel, though. I don’t feel bad), and then straight up said “Yeah…wish I picked Sasuke…he would’ve been better…”

Put a face on his chest? For what reason cowboy?

Burst out of that coffin like he’s been practicing some sick kicks to make the coolest entrance ever. 

Beat the shit out of everyone without breaking a sweat. 

Launched two meteors because he can!!!

We have no choice but to stan. 

Sasori

I think he’s both a savage and a bitch boy. 

He’s a savage because I’m terrified of him because I don’t like dolls. 

Sasori is a straight up sociopath. 

He is a savage not in the conventional, funny sense. He’s just crazy crazy. 

And yet…his self confidence is so admirable. He chose to build himself a puppet body that was identical to his twinky self. He shamelessly stripped in front of his grandmother and some fifteen-year-olds. 

What a fuckin freak, man. 

Sasuke

He’s a savage because he made Orochimaru, the man who was so disgusting the Akatsuki rebuked him, dislike him as a person. I can only imagine the hell he put him through because he refused to learn social skills. 

Sasuke really became an international terrorist then decided one day “Well…it’s up to me. I will be hokage.” 

Returned to the village one day as if nothing ever happened. What the fuck, man. 

[scenarihoes]

Speaking of faves then, do you have a general favorite character for each show ?

why YES i do!

kisame is and always will be th absolute star of my life . no matter how many animes, how many shows and mangas, kisame will always be the light of my life i love my big beefy shark husband

in bnha i loooove shouji and shigaraki! shiggy gets on my nerves tho i wanna clap him around even tho i also want to kisse him

in hxh leorio has my heart but for some season currently colt has my uwu’s

for haikyuu yamaguchi will always be my babyest boy ever.. hes such a sweet heart ugh i melt

[realitachifacts]

🍫 - a box of chocolates

i’m not sure if i did this right or not but i had an idea so Here We Go. thanks for sending an ask!!! i might’ve messed up the timeline but it’s whatever. also omfg it’s so long for a drabble whoops.

-…-

He doesn’t remember the day when he was a year old.

He doesn’t remember the day when he was two years old.

He doesn’t remember the day when he was three years old, or maybe he does, but there’s this sort of unconsciousness memory repression he has, regarding events involving the majority of his family members.

He remembers one thing from the day when he was four years old. His mother walks over, she sits down next to him on wooden steps outside the house and she meets his eyes and there’s this summer bright smile all over her face and she asks Itachi how he’d feel about having a younger sibling. He returns that smile, teeth white like the unblemished moon and says that would make him very happy. His mother hands him a small box of chocolates, the outside pink as soft flower down and there’s a cartoon animal, looks almost like a ferret, on the side. He’s replayed the memory a few times in his head, and he can never remember the time of day, the weather. It’s different each time, midday, hot breath of breeze and flinching young leaves, midnight, an ink sky with stars indented in it as if it’s been fashioned with millions of tiny diamonds.

When he’s five, the day is far more memorable. Itachi is going to be joining the academy soon, there’s pulsing in his heart over that, excitement, he’s been working on the fireball jutsu and shurikenjutsu outside of class, has mastered the former even to the point of his father’s satisfaction. His body was glowing warmer and brighter than those licks of red and orange and red and yellow and red tongues of flame hot inches above the lake’s surface. Anyways, he sits outside, Sasuke there in his arms, and their mother’s gotten Itachi a box of chocolates, same as last time, namesake cartoon of an animal right there, curled up into the pink of the box. He’s been told Sasuke isn’t allowed to have any of the chocolates yet, and Itachi, he can’t wait until he’s old enough to share. Itachi loves sweets, the way they melt so soft against his tongue. He wonders if Sasuke will feel the same. There’s a half moon like a sideways smile thousands and thousands of miles up in the air.

When he’s six, just months from seven, things again are crystal bright in his mind. A few weeks left before Academy finals, which Itachi has no worry over, none at all, and he’s sitting outside on the porch again, Sasuke there too, few months from two, sitting in his older brother’s lap. Itachi is eating chocolates, same brand as before, same gift from his mother, and Sasuke reaches for one. “Oh? You want one of these?” Itachi says, small grin, closed lips on his face, sweet expression, and Sasuke nods, reaches out further. Itachi gives him one, and Sasuke chews it for just a bit, before spitting it out, all disgusted, lip curled high at the edge, and Itachi sighs.

“Ew.” Sasuke whines, and Itachi lets out a light breath of amusement.

“Sorry about that, Sasuke.”

When he’s seven, it’s another memorable day. He’s nearly mastered the sharingan, the third black comma mark edging the iris is finally there, and something Itachi realizes that he likes is genjutsu, mind manipulation and alteration and shifting of reality. He’s getting better and better at it. Sasuke sits to the left of him, again on those wooden steps, damp and rotting inside from the recent rainfalls. And it’s even become a joking tradition to give Itachi the chocolates, brand name a play on his own, word for weasel. Sasuke watches him eat in silence, seems to have learned his lesson from last time, swings his legs back in forth in loose scissor motions. Itachi looks over at him.

“Hm?”

Sasuke’s head whips up and he looks at Itachi like he always does, like his older brother has given him the world. “How do I make my eyes red?”

Sasuke’s seen him training, probably, Itachi thinks. “It’s called the sharingan. You’ll probably be able to do it when you’re older.” Tries to keep it simplistic, terms for a two and a half year old.

“Sha…rin…gan.” Sasuke seems to feel out the word on his tongue. It’s quiet again for a few moments and crickets sing in the dusky light, brightness dying down as the sun edges into sleep. Sasuke points to Itachi’s chocolate box. “Can I have one?”

Itachi smiles softly and hands one over to Sasuke, who chews it, looks all disgusted, but at least has the decency not to spit it out this time. He swallows with a grimace. “Ew.”

Itachi smiles almost guiltily. “Sorry about that, Sasuke. Try not to eat any more in the future.”

Sasuke just pouts at that.

Year eight is uneventful, year nine even more so.

When he’s ten, Itachi is in the middle of the Chunin exams, and deep down in his heart he nearly pleads for Sasuke to be the focus of their parents’ love and adoration, to have a day of his own. He’s a few hours into the Forest of Death, trees stretch long necks of trunks up to reach for the heavens, knotted branches grasp into thin air. Drops of light bleed down between the few areas where the sun can slip through wood and leaves. Itachi reaches into his small pack of tools for a kunai knife, there’s a fish in his other hand, ready to be gutted, and Itachi feels an. Object. Of some sort, in the ninja pouch. He pulls it out.

Pink box of chocolates, “Good Luck!” sprawled across the top in Sasuke’s rough and messy handwriting. Itachi smiles. He’ll pass the exam. He won’t let Sasuke down ever.

He’s a Chunin at eleven, in ANBU at twelve, or maybe earlier than that, these are all all memories he wants nothing more than ever to forget.

When he’s thirteen, it’s the worst. He stands in the Hokage’s office because he is supposed to be on a mission right now, the sky is milky pale with dawn and caterpillar bloated white clouds, and Itachi is talking to the Hokage, oh so very annoyed and scared and anxious, a barely teenager just restraining shaking at the edges of his skin.

“My clan won’t relent. The likelihood is that we’ll have to continue with our last resort plan soon.” Itachi keeps his voice placating. “Lord Hokage. Don’t send me on the mission. I would like just one last holiday with my parents… One last holiday with my brother.” Sasuke, pure and clean of all this black sin and corruption, one last holiday for Itachi’s favorite person in the whole wide world. And the third Hokage looks Itachi Uchiha up and down with those wise old owl eyes, assessing everything about him, every one of Itachi’s movements, fidgets gnarled and wrinkled fingers down the neck of his pipe. Makes a ‘hmmm’ sound. 

“Very well.”

His voice is so, so raspy, Itachi thinks.

That night, Itachi sits with his brother on the porch, and Sasuke goes on to talk about his day at school and all of the kids in his class and this one boy who particularly annoys him, and Itachi drowns himself in every word because his aching heart knows that he may never hear them, Sasuke sounding excited, happy to see him. Eventually, their mother tells them to go inside, and Itachi walks up to his room, and there’s this pink box of chocolates with a cartoon ferret on the side nestled there in his sheets, and Sasuke’s handwriting is across the top, quickly scrawled note of “I love you forever, Itachi!”.

Life is cruel, Itachi thinks.

He eats one of the chocolates, unable to stomach the rest.

When he’s fourteen, he spends his first Valentine’s day in the Akatsuki. They don’t celebrate Valentine’s day, not really, and he’s recently been assigned a new partner, ocean mist blue-gray skin and shark gills, tall man named Kisame, who Itachi respects, he’s a strong fighter at the very least. The two have a sort of mutual understanding, they leave each other alone, communicate only when necessary, not because they don’t like each other, just because Itachi truly just wants to be isolated from most everyone. He’s reclusive. They both know this. And that’s why Itachi is surprised when Kisame sits next to him, out in the rain speckled grass outside the inn, looking up at the white spider eyes of stars in the darkness and forcing his face, his body into not displaying emotions. 

“Eh? Somethin’ on your mind?” Kisame asks, and Itachi is silent. Doesn’t even look over.

Neither of them speak for a long, long time.

Kisame gets up. “Look, I’m not one for drinking myself, but you’re down right now, so c’mon, I’ll pay.”

Itachi keeps his eyes on the stars. “I wouldn’t be able to, even if I desired it. I’m fourteen.”

“Yer HOW OLD now?!” Kisame gapes. “Heheh, fourteen? Damn, I thought you were twenty or somethin’. You sure look it, and ya act that way. I guess the world is full of surprises, huh?” He waves his hand as he walks back to the inn. “G’night.”

“Kisame.” Itachi turns, oh so slightly, looks straight at Kisame.

“Hm?” Kisame turns to meet his gaze with his shark eyes, black and pale.

“Thank you.”

That night, Itachi looks deep, deep into his tools pack. He finds a small pink box, writing on the top, at the bottom. He eats a single chocolate from it, and none of them have gone stale, even a little bit.

He reads the writing at the top again and again and again before he goes to sleep that night. 

It’s starting to get harder to. 

The words are a bit blurry.

When he’s fifteen, nothing all that important happens. He and Kisame are in some small village in the Land of Fire, their organization’s numbers are growing, and Itachi is glad, at least, he has a partner he can tolerate, one he’s even grown to consider a close friend.

His only friend.

Really, it’s… not as if there’s a large pool to choose from. But Itachi isn’t very social, as it is, isn’t fond of making or maintaining friends in the dangerous world he lives in now, wearing a black cloak with red clouds. There’s no important mission that day and so Kisame takes Itachi to a small tea shop, one of his favorite things, there’s mainly silence, Kisame shares a few words to a nearly empty room, Itachi nods at a few of them, responds to even fewer. It doesn’t bother his partner, though. They’ve come to accept this as their friendship.

They camp under a full moon that night and Itachi eats another chocolate, again miraculously not stale. He reads the words on the box until his head hurts.

His heart hurts, too.

He knows Sasuke doesn’t mean them anymore.

But that’s for the better.

Years sixteen and seventeen are uneventful. Itachi eats a chocolate each time.

When he’s eighteen, things begin to get worse. He’d seen his brother again, for the first time in years, and he looks colder, Itachi thinks, he looks broken, and he charged at Itachi with lightning in his hand and fire in his eyes and sharingan irises the color of the petals of lover’s roses and Itachi grabbed his arm, and forced Sasuke to relive his pain again and again and again and he told him how he lacked hate, a motivator, if anything, and he wants his brother to get stronger, but he’s beginning to wonder, really, if he’s doing this the right way, because Sasuke has become someone made of cracking glass.

“He looks like you, ya know.” Kisame said, at the time, and Itachi agrees, silently. They’re brothers, after all. But Kisame says little about it after that. As far as he knows, as far as everyone knows, Itachi could care less about Sasuke, if he lives or dies. It’s not an appropriate topic to broach, even with his best friend.

The day itself is boring. 

He spends most of it on the road, walking under trees alive with birds.

Itachi eats another chocolate that night.

It takes significantly more effort than he’s used to to make out each word written on the pink box, with the ferret on it.

When he’s nineteen, things are the worst they’ve been in a long time.

Itachi is at the side of the road, his whole body is aching and rush after rush of hot blood leaves his mouth with each cough, his whole body shivers, wracked with trembling and spasms. Eventually, he leans back against a tree, breathing heavy, and Kisame sits next to him, watching oh so very carefully.

“It’s gettin’ worse.” There’s concern, actually, in his voice.

“I’m aware.” It’s not dismissive, it’s sad, lonely, like a lost ghost. It’s hard to come to terms with these things, after all. “I’ve been taking medications and trying to care for my body otherwise, but there’s little more I can do than that.”

They try to start down the trail again but it’s clear that it really isn’t a good day for Itachi, not at all, so they camp in the woods that night, and Kisame catches some fish for them, and Itachi starts a fire with a Fire Style jutsu, and Itachi doesn’t want it but he takes it anyways, thanks Kisame for the effort he’s put in. 

Itachi keeps track of the days. He eats another chocolate.

He can only read two of the five words his brother has written, now. But maybe if Sasuke’s handwriting was better at the time, that would be different.

When he’s twenty, he eats the last chocolate in the box. Only one of the words Sasuke wrote is distinguishable to fading, dying eyes.

Now he’s twenty one, and he’s grocery shopping, of all things, with Kisame, they’re walking down the aisles and Itachi cannot believe even a little bit that nobody has approached them yet, that there haven’t been any strange looks. Still. They reach what is probably the candy aisle, Itachi thinks, and his eyes drift down it all bored before they stop on something.

Familiar, almost.

It’s pink, and there’s a shape on the side, white and brown, amorphous, indistinguishable. He tries to read the brand name, the lettering, any of the words.

He can’t.

They’re all faded blurs in his eyes.

Itachi picks up the box, motions to Kisame, who walks over. “What is the brand name?”

Kisame tells him. It’s… exactly what Itachi expected.

“You like sweet stuff. We should get it for you, it’s even got a ferret on the box. A weasel, just for you, heheh.”

Itachi thinks. He’s silent for a while.

He puts the box back on the shelf.

“I’ll be alright.”

That night, Itachi is back at the inn, and the moon in the sky is full and bloodied red, crimson dripping over it like a fresh severed corpse, like a heart pumping fast from love. He pulls the box, empty, from the bottom of his bag. It smells like chocolate, faintly. Itachi walks outside, walks for a long, long time before he’s nowhere, at least to him. He sits on the ground, under a pine tree that’s likely older than the oldest building in the whole entire land. Itachi’s chest jolts in pain and then he’s coughing out warm blood, digging his fingers into fabric, clenching to alleviate the suffering somehow, he has one hand over his mouth but even then drops slip between fingers and when he pulls it back his hand is stained liquid garnet. Itachi cleans his hands and mouth with some water from a small canteen. He’s started carrying one for this purpose.

Itachi uses his ninja tools to carve a small fire pit into the dusty soil. 

He looks at the area on the box where black meets pink, and he can’t even read a single letter anymore, but he knows what all of them say, he’s read Sasuke’s note over and over and over again, he knows the words by heart. Itachi places the box in the pit, nestled into loose earth. He is dying, and he knows he is dying, and he wants to and will soon be dead, and he knows how he wants it to happen. The Sasuke who gave him chocolates is not the one he will meet in a few weeks, or at most, few months. It’s best to cleanse these memories from his mind. Give them the funerals they deserve. 

He uses fireball jutsu to set the box aflame, it’s careful and controlled, and within minutes there’s nothing left but puffs of silky gray ash and charcoal.

Itachi looks up at the sky.

The reflection of a blood moon dances across the crow talon darkness of his irises, sharingan dormant.

I love you forever, Itachi!

“I love you forever too, Sasuke.” Itachi whispers, and there’s nobody to hear him except the night sky and the moon and the trees and the millions and millions of stars all around them. 

[smoresiesfanfic]

Ok so basically your fic Deliverance gave me feelings and also made me like the members of Akatsuki that I didn't care about that much before, and now I have a plot bunny that won't let me go :[ I really really want to write about them, but I'm not sure I have all of their personalities straight... It's been so long since I watched the show, and again, I didn't pay that much attention to some of them before!

You need help writing Akatsuki members??? Look no further. Here’s a surefire way to write them all:

(Let’s start with my favorite…)(Canon)Hidan: insert random religious babble. Make most of the words offensive. Be loud. When in doubt just throw Jashin praising in the mix. Yell at Kakuzu for being mean. Call people athiest bastards to spice things up. (“Lord Jashin would be proud of me for relishing in this sweet ass death. Hell yeah boi. Fuck you Kakuzu, you old fuck. Fuck you with your detachable dick, you heathen athiest.”) Kakuzu: take your grumpiest thought and multiply it by infinity. Take any positive feeling of emotion and throw it across the ocean. Kakuzu hates you and he DGAF. He likes money. Give him money. He hates Hidan and insults him regularly. But make him do something nice for Hidan to really give his grumpy character depth. (“Hidan I can’t believe you did this you dumb fuck. This is why we can’t trust you. Can you do anything right? I fucking hate you” kakuzu says as he literally sews Hidan new clothing because it’s snowing outside and Hidan is not allowed to get cold and he ripped his shirt for the thousandth time)Kisame: he’s literally the purest soul. Don’t pay attention to the sadistic side. Kisame is literally the offspring of Mr Rogers and Bob Ross. The best way to write kisame is have him mention Itachi no matter what he’s talking about because kisame loves Itachi and I’m fairly certain there’s nothing else he can talk about… That and shark facts. Oh and he totally takes his sword on walks like a dog because he love this sword. (“Hey everyone, so sorry I’m late. I was 17 villages over getting Itachi his favorite dango because I love him- I mean… I love him. No you heard that right. Samehada and I want you to be in our family. Pls love me.”)Itachi: low-key wants to ride that shark dong™ acts like he’s super cool and just chills in the background but actually high key can’t see for shit. He speaks in weird riddles that make him sound deep but he just doesn’t make sense. He just wants to love kisame. But first he needs to avoid all the booby traps deidara set for his blind ass. (“Kisame, we aren’t fish, we’re people. You can’t love me because I have a tragic backstory™ and kishimoto literally hates me so I’ll likely die. But don’t worry because you’ll die too and when you die, they’ll play my theme music to underlying out hella gay partnership. Also. Can you help me? I’m fairly certain deidara strapped explosives to my body”)Deidara: deidara is a teenager so he’s crazy and irrational and he doesn’t know what taxes are but he 100% knows that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Deidara is tough because depending on who you are, you ship him with different people. Or you’re like me who ships him with everyone so he my lil ho. So let’s just pretend he’s a ho. So dei is doing his ho thang just tryna bang, doesn’t matter in which way tbh. Deidara is cocky so he likes to talk about himself. He also likes to talk about art so when he talks just insert random realizations of art in whatever he’s doing. Then he blows shit up. Add his tick to random sentences. (Deidara was doing his homework for biology in his bedroom when he realized how artfully structured his spoon was. The one from the bowl of captain crunch he ate 4 days ago but totally left in his bedroom because he’s a teenager and they leave dirty dishes in their room. It’s in their DNA. He learned this from biology. “Katsu” he whispered and blew his desk up. He sighed, realizing his homework was on fire. Now he’s have to fuck his biology teacher for a grade. Again.)Sasori: uhhhhhhh drama drama drama. The best way to write sasori is to ignore him but know he’s lurking in the background. You know how they say that writer’s need to stop thinking their character is 100% of everyone’s attention at all times? Yeah that’s the truth when sasori is in your story because he’s likely spying on them. He knows everything about everyone. He learned several languages so when he gets his nails done at the salon he knows if they’re talking shit about him. I also don’t ship sasori with anyone because I’m not tryna get fucked by literal wood, ya feel me? (Sasori crept in the background undetected. he couldn’t help himself. He had to know. It was brimming with curiosity. What was next to the story? “Oh my god they were roommates.”)Zetsu: ok you tryna write white or black? Whatever. Just throw two completely opposing personalities together and also add in cannibalism and there you go. Also white zetsu loves everyone so he shows up to talk to people but likely kisame is the only one who pays attention to him. Black zetsu likely wouldn’t even give you a ride to see your dying relative in the hospital. He also sucks. (“Wow what a beautiful day to have friends!… What’s that noise?” “Hm? Oh sorry. I was eating” “… Is that my bff Wilbur?” “Yup” “😭” “🤷”)Tobi: do you remember that weird kid in your class that wouldn’t shut the fuck up? Yeah use him as an inspiration and also make him talk in first person and have a good boy kink and for calling people senpai. He also needs to be the most extra person in the room and act like a damn fool. Also, add a tragic backstory and personality disorder. (“Tobi is a good boi, senpai.” That’s it. And that was Canon.)Pein: God complex. Loves himself. Thinks he’s got shit. Strong af. Tries to be stoic but probably 100% cried during each piercing. Konan: the mom friend. She just wants her children to survive but they’re… So dumb. They’re so fucking stupid. Why was this a good idea. Someone please save this poor woman she dies so much.

So anyway, you put that all together and get something like this:

“Can everyone please listen to me.” Konan said, looking around at the clusterfuck anxiously.

“YEAH BABY, FUCK ALL OF YOU BITCHES. ITS TIME TO BE A TRIBUTE FOR MY LORD! KAKUZU I SEE YOUR UGLY FUCKING FACE, IF YOU LOOK AT ME ONE MORE TIME-”

“Don’t lose your head you moron. I’m not even looking at you. I’m thinking how much money I can get for your bounty.”

“Did someone say Itachi???”

“No Kisame. Literally no one said Itachi.” Sasori said with an eye roll. “Stop thinking about Itachi for three goddamn Seconds”

“Tobi is a good boy!”

“How the fuck do we have Tobi and sasori at the same time, hm??”

“Shut up, deidara.” Said kishimoto, probably.

“Did you finish your homework?” Konan asked seriously.

“Of course I did you dick”

“Ok what what did you learn?”

“… The mitochondria is the powerhouse-”

“Ok but you were doing macroeconomics???”

“Katsu! Oh look at that Itachi blew up I gotta go”

“No! ITACHI!”

“DONT WORRY.” Sasori said bravely.

“But he had no chakra left!”

“And with his negative chakra he managed to summon a giant snake and teleport himself away in the knick of time.”

“That seems highly unlikely.” “so does me as the villain but hey, just roll with it” white and black zetsu argued.

Pein looked around the room and nodded firmly.

“I am a god.”

Ok I hope that helped you. In all honesty id love to hear your idea!And if anyone has any questions they’d like answered, let me know!

[tekka-dan]

Hi love! I have a game, if you feel like doing it. So, you know how fan I am of crack ships, so what if I tell you some weird pairings and you tell me your thoughts, headcanons or why the could/couldn't work? Here they go: NejiTema (Neji/Temari). DaruHina (Darui/Hinata). YahIno (Pain!Yahiko/Ino). KankuTen (Kankuro/Tenten). KisaSaku (Kisame/Sakura). TsuIno (Tsunade/Inoichi). Ok, i went overboard with the list. Sorry!

Sorry this took an absurd amount of time, I am not very good at headcanons (I am going to do my best though!)

NejiTema:

- Temari would keep Neji up all night with her need for constant affection - Temari loves giving hugs (after being raised around two of the best boys, she has SO much love to offer) - Neji remarkably loves to cuddle, he blushes like crazy too- Temari and Neji love visiting hot springs and talking about training (because these two work SO hard, that they would literally be the ones to talk about WORK while on VACATION)- Neji is absolutely terrible at flirting, to the point where Temari makes fun of him for not being able to flirt- Temari would be the one to propose because Neji would be too absorbed in his pride - On their wedding day, Neji would hold Temari’s hand for the first time and flush pink in front of literally everyone and passing out, resulting in Temari having to carry him from the alter, refusing help from her brothers(I know everything seems happy go lucky but as my final ruling; this couple ultimately would not work due to their brash / dominant personalities frequently clashing)

DaruHina:

- They would frequently walk on the beach every day, hand in hand, content with silence - Hinata makes coffee every morning for Darui who doesn’t even life coffee or being up early, yet he still accepts it and drinks his coffee anyway- Hinata even goes so far as to count each cream she adds to his coffee, to make it perfect every time- Darui surprisingly holds it DOWN in the kitchen! My boy whips up dish after dish! - Hinata surprisingly….eats like a TRUE CHAMPION! My girl can EAT lord have mercy- Darui often surprises Hinata during her mini training sessions to offer her flowers (he’s incredibly affectionate)- Darui’s number one obsession /addiction is working out. He can bench press for miles- Hinata watches him frequently while he lifts weights and jogs- They join a gym together and he becomes her personal trainer—how freakin’ rad!- He encourages her during the training sessions, making her work harder not to look “uncool” in front of him, pushing herself harder and harder to be able to keep up with him, eventually to surpass him- The two of them bring out the best in one another without having to change a single thing (As a last notation, this couple would work in the long haul, their timid and passive natures would complement one another)

YahIno:

- Ino plays frequent pranks on Yahiko, resulting in them having frequent matches with one another

- Ino surprises Yahiko with flowers every single day; surprisingly Yahiko knows a lot about flowers despite growing up in a village that never stops raining 

- Ino would style Yahiko’s hair in different styles, her favorite being two tiny pony-tails- Yahiko actually ha as feminine side; he would paint Ino’s nails and even attempts to brush her hair- The two of them would be absolute geeks in the kitchen! Yahiko would fail epically at making simple mac n’ cheese and Ino would have to be the one to take over, sending him to clean dishes instead- Yahiko is a neat freak, he often complains about Ino’s hair in the shower drain and her infinite amount of clothes laying around their room under piles and piles of shoes - Ino decorates their apartment with flowers in every corner she can reach- They adopt a dog- They adopt TWO dogs!!- Ino eventually has to beg Yahiko to stop adopting dogs because he keeps bringing more and more of them home- The two of them would take goofy selfies together while sitting on their couch in their pajamas at 3 in the afternoon (This could would be so goddamn perfect that they would make everyone disgustingly jealous)

KankuTen:

- TenTen uses Kankuro’s puppets for target practice; much to his disapproval 

- Kankuro is surprisingly a very good cook and often makes TenTen’s lunches while she’s out training- Kankuro talks a whole lot when they are alone together; mostly about Gaara- TenTen makes everything an adventure; she drags Kankuro through mountains and forests looking for new targets for practice - Kankuro is the “best friend” guy in the relationship, letting TenTen vent when she’s frustrated and massaging her feet when she’s had a rough day - TenTen would be the “dominant” one in the relationship because she’s not used to being waited on and pampered- Kankuro is actually very insecure of his appearance when not wearing his makeup, despite the constant pleading from TenTen to remove it- TenTen considers picnics to be high class dates and Kankuro has no problem with this (Ultimately as my final say; this couple would not work, simply for the fact they are just way too opposite and introverted when it comes to s/o’s)

KisaSaku:

- Sakura actually cannot swim, therefore she sits by the beach while Kisame floats in the ocean - They bond over the fact they both were at one point obsessed with a Uchiha (Kisame with Itachi / Sakura with Sasuke)- Sakura’s brash nature conflicts with Kisame’s quiet nature, resulting in Sakura constantly pummeling him - Samahada favors Sakura’s chakra over Kisame’s; which is the basis of most of their arguments - Sakura often refers to him as “fish out of water” in a joking sort of way- Kisame has a very hard time kissing Sakura, with his shark teeth and all- Kisame’s fashion sense usually makes people double look them in public because he doesn’t believe in shirts (This couple would not work due to the fact that Sakura has very little in common with Kisame and Kisame is more attached to water than anything else)

TsuInoi:

- Tsnuade gets very defensive when Inoichi starts telling people her age in public - Her biggest fear is him reading her mind and knowing about how often she’s thinking about him- Inoichi is a heavy drinker; resulting in the two of them having a blast when drunk - He often gives Tsnuade flowers inside of liquor bottles- Inoichi brings Ino around, often joking about her Tsnuade could’ve been her mother- He’s extremely good listener, after the night of Jiraiya’s death he stayed up with her while she cried herself to sleep in his arms- Tsnuade is such a terrible cook that if she doesn’t go broke from gambling, it’s because she’s broke from eating out- Inoichi wins every gambling event due to his mind reading powers; making Tsnuade internally jealous (This couple would ultimately work out. Their personalities are not conflicting and both of them would take the time to understand one another.)

[catherineimagineseverything]

Modern!Akatsuki Scenarios

How You Met

-Tobi/Obito- ALL YOU WANTED WAS SOME DAMN CANDY! But NO! God couldn’t let you have your favorite kind of candy. Instead you get caught in the rain, have car splash a rather large puddle right onto you, leave your phone at home, and walk to the candy store only to find out it just sold it last bag of your favorite candy just got bought by a man wearing sunglasses and a surgical mask. Instantly you bolted out of the store to beg that guy for candy. Weird and probably unsafe but you wanted that damn candy and were ready to kill for it with the day you just had. You saw a guy matching the description making you take a deep breath. “Excuse me but you look like the guy the shop owner described. You that bag of candy you just bought happens to be my absolute favorite and I was wondering if maybe I could have just a couple. Seriously I’ve just had such a crap day and really was planning on binge eating those.” You say making him jump up. “Why don’t you share with Tobi?” He said in an excited high tone making my eyes widen at the pitch. “Uhm sure why not?” You say more to yourself than to him before he dragged you to a nearby playground where you sat and shared that delicious treat with your new friend.

-Sasori- “Come on Y/N! I want you to meet my friends!” Your older brother yelled dragging you into the large mansion where his ‘friends’ were. His friends were in a gang called the Akatsuki. You weren’t afraid of them just annoyed by how much your brother loved being with them. “Guys this is my sister Y/N!” He yelled getting their attention off of the video game two of them were playing aggressively. “Damn Deidara I didn’t think she’d be this hot.” A shirtless guy with lavender hair smirked as he walked up to you. You stepped back the bored look on your face not faltering even though you knew exactly what he was thinking. “Uhm.” You start before he placed his finger against your lips shushing you. “Move the finger or lose the finger.” You growl making him slam his hand back down to his side before going back to his seat. “So I think you know everyone’s name but . . . Sasori is probably up in his workshop. Let’s go say hello.” Deidara said before dragging you up to a room that smelled like furniture polish and wood shavings. “Oh this is the puppet guy. Cool.” You mused as you walked to the side and sat on a stool watching the puppet maker work which was mesmerizing to watch. You didn’t care that you were now sitting right next to him watching him carve the face. It was a few hours before you realized the Deidara had left. Looking at your watch you decided to leave. “My name is Sasori. What is yours?” He asked in a very flat almost robotic way. “Y/N I’m Deidara’s little sister. Don’t tell him but I like your puppets way more than his clay figures.” You say before leaving not noticing the smile on Sasori’s face at your comment.

-Kisame- You just wanted peace and quiet but no your brothers decided to invite all their friends. Itachi with his gang friends, if you can call them that, and Sasuke with his soccer friends. A pool party that had barely anyone in the pool. You grinned as you climbed onto the diving board before jumping into the pool. You swam down to the bottom holding you breathe for as long as possible. Going up you broke the surface to see a guy with rather sharp teeth grinning at you. “You like to swim?” He asked slipping intot he water and treading it near you. “I’ve been called a fish once or twice before but I’m a DOLPHIN!” You yelled sending a glare at your twin brother Itachi. He like to call you a fish but you preferred to be called a Dolphin because they are so much more badass. “Kisame Hoshigaki. People have said I remind them of a shark.” He said making me grin. “Well then shark boy my name is Y/N Uchiha. Wanna race?” You asked so thankful that you had an extra deep Olympic size pool in your backyard. “Bring it dolphin.” He said before you swam to your hearts content.

-Kakazu- Working in a coffee shop was fun. If you think staring at a middle aged man trying to figure out what to get his teenage daughter as fun. Or better yet if you count watching super attractive guys walk in and out ignoring you even though you could have totally overcharged them. Currently you were staring at a guy with a blank face because he asked you to get him 8 large black coffees and two large chocolate frappes. You saw he gritted his teeth because the money in his hand that was obviously given to him to buy the drinks wouldn’t be enough. “Okay sir, your total will be . . . $16.25 they will be ready over there.” You say watching his mouth hang open. “Uhm thanks?” He said handing you the money. “No problem I got a raise last month so there I bought half of those drinks.” You reply making him smirk. “Well Y/N the name’s Kakazu and keep the change.” He said handing me the money before walking over to get his drink.

-Pein- To be completely and utterly blunt you jumped his fence to get away from some cops when you were a teenager. He took you in and made sure you didn’t get arrested. He protected you and made you feel safe. You joined his gang which was more like a crazy family who like to start fights. He let you do whatever you wanted around his mansion. You have to admit it was the only place you have ever felt welcome.

-Hidan- You hated your cheapskate of an older brother Kakazu so when he forced you to move into the Akatsuki mansion you vowed to make his life hell. The morning after you moved in you walked into the kitchen in your pajamas. Only a large tshirt and a pair of shorts were covering your small frame. Your headphones had blocked your hearing as you grabbed your brothers plate of food before grabbing a glass of orange juice from Itachi’s hand. You then sat down on the counter before eating your food throwing the grapes at Kakazu. Smiling you watched him grow more and more frustrated until one missed the target and hit the guy sitting next to him. The guy looked at you before smirking and standing up making his way over to you. “So you’re Kakazu’s little sister huh?” He asked taking my headphones out of my ears. “What’s it to you bitch?” You asked watching his glare darken and focus more on you. “Because it’s my fucking head that got hit by your damn grape, bitch.” He said before you grinned. “Oh I see how it is. Well then you dick you look like you could use a fucking drink.” You grabbed your orange juice taking a sip before dumping it on his head. Shoving him out of your way you bolted back up to your room laughing like a maniac but also in terror because you know Hidan has a temper.

-Itachi- “Ow!” You yelped holding your shirt out from the hot coffee that just got spilled on you. “I am so sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going.” The guy spazzed grabbing some napkins from the dispenser before trying to soakup as much of the coffee as possible. “Really little brother you had to ruin her coffee?” A taller guy asked stepping closer to us. “No it’s fine really just a little hot that’s all. Besides I have to get to work thanks uhm . . .” You paused looking at them. “Oh I’m Sasuke and this is Itachi my older brother.” The younger one said as you smiled even though you should probably have yelled at the kid. “Y/N L/N pleased to meet you. Well bye.” YOu say getting out of there and heading to work so happy you could wear a smock in your art gallery.

-Deidara- You were a very plain person. Not necessarily in your appearance but you didn’t really understand art or fashion. You dressed pretty decent despite that but still had to consult your friends every morning before you left your apartment. Today you had decided to try and go to a local gallery trying to understand the art. You were there for only an hour before you realized a guy with rather long blond hair was following you around the gallery. For a full 20 minutes he continued to follow you around looking you up and down. Once you exited the art gallery you turned around to see him following you until he ran right into a pole. You turned around to make sure he was okay only for him to jump up and run off. Shrugging your shoulders you headed back to your apartment not thinking you would ever see that guy ever again.

-Zetsu- Maybe you shouldn’t have gone out that day but you were worried about your garden. It was raining and extremely windy so your first thoughts were to cover your garden with a tarp. Once you made it to your garden you had passed a few people on the way since your garden was in a secret place that no one knew about. Once there you unfolded the tarp only for it to fly away. Luckily a person wearing a hooded sweater caught it and began helping you silently to cover your plants. After it was secured you stood up making your way home. Feeling yourself being followed you turned around to see the man right behind you looking down at you. “Why are you following me?” You asked making him shrug. “I wanted to make sure you made it home safe.” He said in an unsure very quiet voice. “Oh . . . Well walk beside me not behind me.” You say before he nodded biting his lip before walking beside you. “You sure you should be walking alone with me?” His voice got deeper and sounded more . . . almost more confident in a way. “I don’t think you will hurt me if that’s what you mean.” You say making him scoff before silently making your way back to your house. Once there he left without a word even though you were going to ask if he wanted some tea to warm up.