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erichofmann · 5 years ago

Text

year 12

17,316 words in 26 videos

Hey you guys. It’s been awhile! It’s been a second. Um, this song, okay. For Now reimagined, I am imagining that a lot of you are a little confused and are like ‘what are you doing, this sounds totally different than anything you’ve ever done.’ Um that is true, um so For Now originally came out last June on my new album In the Waiting. I started feeling like it would be so cool to release some alt versions of some of the songs in another way that really moved me but that’s like totally different and gives some of these songs a second life. I approached my friend Christoph Andersson who is one of my favorite producers in the world, and one of my favorite people, he is so talented, I can’t believe it, um so I know him because he is one half of the band JOME, if you haven’t heard of JOME, J O M E, it’s kind of like the best music happening right now, you should definitely check it out, um but JOME is Jesse, also known as Imaginary Future, and Christoph, and they make insane music and I just started feeling like ‘man I would love to collaborate with Christoph’ because every sound he makes is like pure magic to me and- and his production just speaks to me so much, and so I approached him, and I asked if he would kind of try building new worlds around some of my songs, and so he agreed, and so this is the first one! And I’m gonna do it for a couple more, um I hope that you guys like it. I hope you give it a couple chances, it takes a second to readjust from the way you’ve hear the song in the past, but I promise it just gets more and more fun, um there are so many little sounds hidden away in there. You guys can listen to it wherever you listen to music, Spotify, Apple Music et cetera, um there’s just a squirrel with its mouth completely full of acorns staring at me right now, I’m just gonna let that go. We’re talking about music. Um, so yes, also, I’m sure there will be a comment of someone like’ oh my gosh she’s trying to change, she’s trying to be something else and it was blah blah blah. I’m not changing. I will always make the music that I make. There’s gonna be so much more acou- acoustic music like I always do in the future, but there will also be some of these, because I love them and I’m really excited about it, so I hope you guys can get excited about them too, so that’s- that’s that. So I am newly home from tour, um I spent the summer and fall touring in North America and Europe, um singing the new album everywhere and it was so special and so meaningful, um I got to meet or at least stare into the eyes of so many of you which is the coolest thing ever, and um I’m just very grateful that you guys came out, and- and that I got to do that again, so thank you and um- yeah so now I’m home and I’m really bad at transitions, and so I’m slowly trying to figure out how to do life again and how to be a- a person, um and some days it’s going really well, and some days I just start crying for no reason because I’m not always good at life, um but I’m getting there, and I’m excited. I’ve written a new song, out of nowhere! I’m so excited about that, hopefully I’ll start recording it soon, um what else? Oh last weekend I went to Patrecon, it’s the convention for Patreon, Patreon is a website that allows people to support other people who are making things that they love, um it’s where I host KGRecords, and I kind of have my whole online family living on there with me, and it was so cool just to be surrounded by all these creators making all sorts of different things, it was just really really um reinvigorating and made me extra extra grateful that I live in this time where not only I am able to do what I love because of people out there um but also that I get to have uh like this community, this family on the Internet, um of people who are doing this with me, who are coming along with me and are helping me think it through and are helping me when I get stuck and I’m struggling, and um I just love getting to have you guys around, and I’m so grateful for your support, um in all the many many ways that you support me, so thanks for that, um. KGRecords family, you guys are awesome. If anyone wants to join the family and be part of all this, you can always go to patreon dot com slash kina grannis and join, we would love to have you, it’s super super fun, um I love you guys. Thank you for listening, I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long, I hope to figure out life soon and bring you more music uh along with that, so I guess that’s it. Thanks for being patient, I hope you’re well, sending lots of love your way, and um- and I’ll see you soon. Okay. Bye.

Hello friends! That was Colorblind by the Counting Crows, um I stumbled upon this song again about a month ago, this song is from some other time. The 90s? The things after the 90s? I don't know. One of those. But I heard it, and it was one of those things where immediately I was like ‘I need to sing this song,’ and so I did, and I love it so much and then I was like very intrigued about the song and I started looking it up, and I found out that the singer of Counting Crows, Adam Duritz, wrote this song about his struggle with depersonalization disorder, um which is a really really intense thing, so a year ago, I learned about the word depersonalization, little different than depersonalization disorder, but throughout my entire life I had these moments where I kind of lapsed into this feeling that felt like I was about to go crazy, and everything felt weird, and I felt like I wasn't connected to my eyes and I felt weird talking and everything felt strange, and I thought I was going crazy, and so I always had this thing in the back in my mind like ‘oh remember that feeling? Maybe I'm gonna go crazy someday.’ And then, a year ago, I had this thought that I was like ‘I wonder if that could be a symptom of anxiety,’ and then I googled it, and it was. And I started crying because this thing that was like this mysterious scary thing that I'd had throughout my life, um it wasn't me going crazy, it was a thing with a name called depersonalization, um and it was like a huge relief, and you're not going crazy when you get it, it's just your brain kinda freaking out, and for me it's when I'm really anxious sometimes, um so that was really weird, and if anyone else has experienced that feeling like maybe you're going crazy and everything feels weird, um google depersonalization and see if that's maybe something you go through, 'cuz it's not fun, but really good to know that it's not the beginning of you losing your mind. Anyways. When I found out this song was about that, and he struggles with depersonalization disorder which is like chronic depersonalization, which sounds so so hard, um it made this song kind of like mean even more to me, um. Anyways. Beautiful, beautiful, powerful song, I hope you guys enjoyed it. You can listen to it all the places where music exists: Spotify iTunes Google Play, you know the rest of them, um what else do I have to say. I have been writing songs- ooh yeah, okay. I've been writing songs and I just started doing something new on KGRecords for my patrons and I've never done this before, it's kind of nerve wracking, but I decided that I'm going to start sharing demos of brand new songs from like right after I write them, so I typically write a song in that second I record a version on my iPhone, and then I usually don't share that song with the world for like many months to many years after that fact, um but- after that point, but I decided I wanted to let kinda my club in on uh the beginning stages of a song, so um if any of you are in KGRecords and haven't heard my new song Enough yet you can go check it out, and if you still- if you wanna hear Enough, Enough is the name of my new song, and you're not a part of KGRecords, if you join at any point, you can go back and hear and see everything I've posted forever, so just know that if you join someday you can still go back and hear the song called Enough that I don't know if it'll ever be released publicly someday, but for the mean time it is there for my patrons as a little thank you for being my family. Um, okay. I think that is it. You guys are all wonderful. Um, I'm sending lots and lots of love to you, um. Say hi in the comments, I love to talk with you guys, and um I hope you have a great day night morning whatever. Okay. I’ll see you guys later. Bye.

Hey everybody! That was Stand By Me with me and him! We'll bring him back in a second but I'm just gonna make him sit alone for a second, um that was Stand By Me, I love that song, it's um so beautiful and then- and then we made it like kind of sad, ‘cuz we like to make things kind of sad 'cuz it feels so good, um but I hope you guys liked it, it's out on you know music places if you wanna listen to it again, um. It's- it's holiday timey, and um- and I'm sending lots and lots of love and warmth to you, and speaking of warmth, um I wasn't gonna do it, but a lot of people kept asking if I was bringing back the hedgehog sweaters this year, and so it's pretty late in the game, but I love you a lot and I don't wanna let you down, so we're bringing- we’re bringing ‘em back. Thank you Jesse, what a great model! Wait stay still so I can show them what it looks like. The hedgehogs, they're back, um the comfiest best guys around town. Um this year it's even more exciting because you can either get a sweater or a shirt, I know, it's crazy, um. So the bad news, there is some bad news, you cannot get it in time for Christmas, um but you can get it in time for winter. There's a bit of time left to order, after that point it's gonna shut down and you can never order them again until the next time I probably bring them back because I love you. Um, but get them now if you want one, and um you wanna talk to Jesse for a second? Let's talk to Jesse for a second. Hi Jesse! That's Jesse everyone, um Imaginary Future, um we like to sing together, we are married. Jesse’s also so uncomfortable right now, he does not like cameras, we are in fact- I'm holding up my arm with my other arm right now because it's very sore, my deltoid is very sore, um we're gonna make a second one of these outros on Jesse's channel that will be even more awkward, so if you're into some discomfort you can go head over to Imaginary Future's channel, and um- and then feel that. It'll be awesome. Um, okay I'm gonna- I'm gonna spare you from- bye Jesse. Happy holidays! I love you guys so much and um thank you as always to my patrons, also to Jesse's patrons. Sorry, sorry I know you weren't prepared for me to show you again, um to the KGRecords family and the Imaginary Family, thank you guys for supporting and keeping us company and being the very very best, um sending so much love, stay warm, I'll see you guys later. Bye. Say bye Jesse.

Is this an insane thing to do? I think it is, um this is way too close. This is way too close to shot an outro, but I don't feel like getting um- I don't feel like getting a tripod, and I don't feel like changing the lens, so here we are. Um, oh my gosh, I love that song so much. Um, somehow- I mean Billie Eilish is gigantic, somehow I didn't know who she was until um Spotify suggested I listen to that song and then I was like ‘what? She is amazing! And uh this song is amazing.’ This is one of those songs that I wish that I’d written, but I didn't, um so the closest thing I can do is pay tribute to it and cover it, um I love it so much, um oh! Happy holidays! Those happened, I hope you're all well, um sending so so so much love to you guys, and um oh there's like a couple days left of the month in which my fifteen percent off sale is happening on my webstore, so if you never got um my new CD In the Waiting or if you want T shirts or signed posters um you can get fifteen percent off everything until the end of December, with the code merryhappy. Um I hope you all are well, thank you to my lovely lovely patron family, you guys are the best, um okay. More from me soon. Sending love. Bye.

Oh it started. Hey you guys! Uh that was really fun. So you probably know these people, these are Nataly and Jack of Pomplamoose. They're some of my favorite humans and they let me do music with them, thank you guys! Go check them out, youtube dot com slash pomplamoose music, also Patreon! And obviously giant thank you to my KGRecords family. You guys are the best, thank you for supporting what we do. Thank you for letting me do that. Um I love you guys. Hug. Hug. Hug. Bye guys!

Hi! Happy Valentine's Day! Um, it is the ten year anniversary of my song Valentine, which is kind of insane, um but as such I wanted to throw back to Valentine and um- and I collected a bunch of peoples' Valentine messages from around the world and I wanted to share them in the video 'cuz that's what I did in the first video ten years ago, um so thank you everyone in KGRecords who sent messages my way, um I loved reading through them, in fact I am probably just going to put all the rest of them at the end of this video so all of you can have your little Valentine's Day shoutouts. Happy valentine’s day to everyone! And hey, it doesn’t have to be about couples, or any of that stuff, it can be about any type of love, it can be love for your puppy, or love for your best friend or love for yourself, um whatever you do I hope you do something nice for yourself today, or maybe something nice for someone you love, um but I love you and I am sending so much love your way, thank you KGRecords for keeping me company and making this music possible, you guys are splendid. Okay. That is it, have a great day. Okay. Bye.

Hello! Oh my god I almost- I'm sitting on the edge of a couch and I nearly fell to my death. Um, hi everyone, thank you for tuning in, that was The Luckiest by Ben Folds it is a song that both Jesse and I have loved for a very very very long time, um so so lovely to get to cover it, um it is now out in all the places you can listen to music if you wanna hear it again, and um yeah! So I had my eye surgery a few weeks ago, um it like looks like a normal eye doesn't it? Aren't you so excited for me? I had an eye patch for awhile there, I was not in a good way, but it's healing really well, and my eye works great, and the stitches are out of my eyeball and I am a happy camper. Um I don't think I have anything else to tell you guys, I'm kind of just in a groove right now, hopefully I'll be doing so more writing soon, um. How are you. Let me know down below if there’s anything notable going on for you. Um, hm. I think that's it. Thank you guys for watching, thank you to all of my patrons at KGRecords for supporting and being part of my little family online, uh you guys are so great. Sending lots and lots of love your way, I hope you're all doing really well, and I will talk to you later. Okay. Bye!

Hello friends! Um that was my song In the Waiting, reimagined by my dear dear friend Christoph Andersson, who you might remember reimagined For Now a few months back, if you haven’t heard it, uh check it out for sure, um but Christoph is one of the best producers in the world and he is one half of the band JOME, if you don't know JOME go listen because it's so good, um but it's meant so much to me to get to give these really important songs of mine like this second life and this second um way that they get to exist in the world so I hope that you like it, and um what's up with me. I wrote a new song recently that was really exciting, I'm getting excited to share new music with you guys though I feel like it might not happen for a long time. Oh I have spent like most of my time this week um on Discord, do you guys know Discord? It's like a chat server and I just started one for KGRecords, and I was not aware of how addicting it would be and so I am- I've been sucked in, and it has been amazing, but it's also hard to do other things, um but anyways, to all of my KGRecords family that has been uh hanging out with me in there thank you guys so much, it's been so fun getting to know you guys more, so thank you thank you thank you, and um yeah. If anyone else wants to join our family and also lose your life to Discord and chatting all the live long day, uh you can do that, check out patreon dot com slash kina grannis, and um there we shall be. I think that's it. I hope you guys are well. There's a crow overhead. Sending lots sand lots of love your way, and I will see you later. Okay. Bye.

Hi everyone! Welcome to my studio! Um, that was Oops! I Did It Again, I did do a video of this years and years ago, it was like in a hotel room in New York maybe? Straight into a laptop, it was pretty bad quality, um and I have had some people asking for a proper recording of this, so this is that. I love love love singing this song, I've played it at so many of my shows on tour throughout the years, so I did wanna do it justice and do it properly. It is out on Spotify and iTunes and all of the places, you can go listen to it again. In other news I have been writing a ton, um, I just feel like I've been learning a lot, just about life and myself. I have an album's worth of new songs and I- I might start recording soon. Thank you thank you thank you KGRecords folks for allowing me to write and uh learn and take time, and- and all that, you guys are so wonderful, and um if anyone is interested in joining our little family at KGRecords you can go to kgrecords dot com and check it out, and that is it. My arm is so tired, I'm gonna go. I haven't really said anything worthwhile, um, I hope you guys are well, thank you for watching, you're awesome. Okay, bye.

Hey everyone! That was a very very very old song of mine, it's called Never Never, um and I wrote this song fifteen years ago. It used to be one of my favorites to play at shows and I probably haven't played it at a show in like ten years or something, um but it's- it's such a special one to me and I love doing these Throwback Sessions because I get to introduce a lot of you to some of my old, old songs. This one was on an album called One More in the Attic, that I recorded in my garage before I understood how to record things, as a result it sounds pretty bad, um so it felt nice to give some love to this song, and bring it back, uh I wrote this song I think the first time Jesse and I broke up for a little bit, and it was really really sad, and I- yeah. And then this song happened. But uh it's nice to sing it now knowing that we end up together, it's very comforting. Um, do I have anything else to say? I- I recently went to Japan, it was incredibly beautiful and inspiring, um and- and now I'm home and I am gearing up to record new music for you guys which is exciting, and um I have something exciting coming next month. I'm not gonna tell you yet but I'll tell you guys soon, um thank you as always to my KGRecords family, thank you guys for supporting and keeping me company and being just the ultimate, you guys are so awesome, so I'm sending lots and lots of love to all of you guys, and I will talk to you soon. Okay, bye.

So I’ve tried shooting this like on four different days. I think I need to let go of it a little bit more. I need to just wear pajamas and just know I’m gonna say dumb things and- and that’s that. So um okay, here we are. Behind the Songs! Where I tell you so many more private things and feel like I’m gonna throw up. It- it’s a lot of things really, um specifically when I was writing this song I’ve always struggled with a kind of depressy thing in my life where it just- it’s there sometimes, and I just wake up and it’s like it’s- it’s hanging over me, and so this song, part of it is was a frustration being like ‘how have I not learned how to deal with these feelings,’ and then also this song is about my struggle with social anxiety which I’ve come so far in the past few years, but for the vast majority of my life I feel like I didn’t really know how to be myself around other humans, like my family, Jesse, few other people, I could sit around them and be myself, and then other than that, like if I go to a party, I was just like ‘I don’t know how to be me anymore, and I don’t know how to have conversations,’ again this is better now but for awhile I really didn’t, and I would leave every social interaction whether it was like a party or a small dinner with friends just crying, and being like ‘I don’t know how to do this, I- it’s’ and Jesse would be like ‘you know just be yourself,’ I’m like ‘I don’t know how to do that!’ It- it kind of just like would disappear and- and then I would just be sitting there stuck in my head like ‘please think of something to say, please think of one thing to say,’ and I couldn’t. Um, I have finally made some progress on that but it’s a really really hard one. I think the answer is we are just always learning, like we’re never just gonna have learned it and have life figured out, it’s like I learned it last year and I learned it a bit more yesterday and then I’m learning it today and I’ll probably learn it tomorrow and in ten years’ time, like hopefully we’re just always learning and always growing which can be frustrating, um but it’s part of being a human, and so I’m trying to embrace that more and be a little less hard on myself when I haven’t figured it all out. It was a huge learning- learning experience for me. I just wanted to do everything on this album by myself so it was the first one- like I’ve always written all my songs by myself but it was the first one that I produced and recorded by myself and had no idea what I was doing, um and then I wanted to direct and edit and color music videos and it felt exciting, and then you get there and you’re like ‘oh I have no idea what I’m doing.’ I actually got myself accidentally into a really bad head space, and I was like trying to find a way out of it, um which is kind of what the song is about, and so I’d like get to a location and I’d still be really bummed ‘cuz I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and I was just like ‘I don’t know, I- I- maybe I’m supposed to like sit here, and- and I don’t know and I’ll pick up this thing ‘cuz I don’t know what I’m doing,’ um and it was rough, but then like as it went, it was this reminder like by the end we happened upon this insane field, it was like sunset in pastel and the mountains were beautiful and it was like quiet, there were birds and everything felt perfect, and it was this like duh moment where I was like ‘oh yeah, yep. I just needed to be present, I just needed to be living, and learning, and that’s okay,’ like I’ve never done this before, so yeah it was hard, and- and had I not resisted that so much maybe it would have felt a little bit better and maybe I could have enjoyed it. I’m really bad at favorites but if I can call out one that made me feel a thing, “oh the mountain is crumbling from all sides, frozen I could try to run or I could close my eyes,” and- so some of you have heard me talk about this, but when I write songs it’s not a very conscious process, like I am not sitting there being like ‘mm what’s a poetic way to say that,’ or like ‘what am I trying to say,’ that’d be cool, but my brain can’t do that. I just sit down and a song like just like tumbles out of me, it’s like I’m finding it in the air and it’s a very weird process, so I oftentimes don’t really get to see the lyrics until it’s done, and like really think about them, and so when I really thought about that lyric after it coming out of me, it felt so um- so intense. This is what I pictured, I pictured like being on the side of a mountain, and then just like a giant avalanche coming down. Like the kind you can’t escape, it’s- it’s gonna get you, and this feeling just like in my heart of like ‘so I could run, I could run and turn the other way and like pretend like I’m gonna escape this thing but like I know I’m not, or I could just close my eyes and brace myself to be like-’ you know. I don’t know, killed by an- by an avalanche? That’s so dark, I’m sorry, um but that’s what it made me feel, and in this- in this scenario it’s like the avalanche was my emotion or what we’re struggling with in life and I spent a lot of life like looking the other way and- and running from it and pushing those things down, and more and more I find that like you cannot work them, you can’t move past them or learn from them if you’re not willing to like have them fully fully take you over, um and so I guess that’s what this was about, just like facing it, I guess I was a little chicken because I’m closing my eyes, um but yeah, letting it fully take you and letting myself feel these emotions, um which is intense. Feeling emotions is really intense but I think it’s important work. I don’t know how I’m supposed to end these. I haven’t really thought this through, um but obviously there’s ten songs in the album and this is the first song and I’ve already spoken way too long, so I’m gonna get you back to your lives, go on, um but yeah! It is In the Waiting anniversary month and I just wanted to do this to celebrate, um if you haven’t listened to the album In the Waiting, it came out one year ago. It is like so important to me. You can listen on Spotify iTunes Deezer, like anywhere music exists, this album exists, and you can also pre order a vinyl. If you go to kina grannis dot com you can order yourself a vinyl. More songs coming at you guys soon, thank you for watching. That’s it. Bye!

Hello, and welcome to the second installment of Behind the Songs. Today we’ll be diving into my song History. Basically this song is just like nostalgia and memories and all the feelings from my past, just smashed into a little song. I try to live my life in the present, but I’m a human, and so I- I do spiral off in the future and I do spiral off sometimes in the past, and the past stuff I think is particularly difficult. You can think about all the good times in the past and then get so broken hearted that they’re gone, like sometimes I’ll watch home videos which are so sweet and I’m like a baby and my sisters are all little and my parents are so young and we’re all just like a little family unit and it’s like so sweet, and then I’m like heartbroken, because that part’s over and it will never be again. Or I think about friendships that have lost or mistakes that I’ve made or people that have passed away, and you can just live your life in those past moments and like replay all of those hurts and all of the regret and all of the pain- I said hurts and pain, they’re the same thing but you get it. And this song was trying to talk some sense into myself. This is life right here, and I cannot keep spending my time just spinning off in past land. That’s kind of what I meant by falling off the pages of history. What I need to say also in all of these Behind the Songs, that when I talk about lyrics you have to know that they mean a million things to me, their meaning changes to me, and most importantly, I feel that song lyrics are made for each person individually, so I don’t ever want what I say to make you be like ‘oh shoot, it doesn’t resonate with me, ‘cuz that’s not what I thought it meant.’ The lyrics mean what you need them to mean, and what I need them to mean in any given day. I think songs are magic and they will evolve for us to mean whatever we need them to mean. Anyways. For me, the thing that this most I guess calls back to in my life is that growing up, my sisters and I, we spent every single New Year’s Eve at home. We’d have noodles at midnight, maybe like bang a pot, it was- it was great, it was very low key, it was what- exactly what I wanted to do, I didn’t wanna be anywhere else, I wanted to be at home with my family. And then kind of as I’ve gotten older and I would look back on that I was like ‘was I supposed to be being a kid? Like is there some part of youth that I missed out on?’ I- I wasn’t going to parties, I wasn’t drinking, I was hanging out with my family, and a couple friends, and it was great, and that was so much a part of my identity and I- I do think that it was all important in getting me to where I am today, but there is this little part of me that’s like ‘you only live once, was I supposed to do some dumb things and make some mistakes so that I- so that I really learned things from experience instead of fear?’ That is what that refers to. This verse in particular, it starts with another reference that someone asked about, which is ‘what is Newhart.’ Newhart was my middle school! Um, and middle school was a very odd time for me, as it is for many people, but I was really struggling to figure out who I was. I was pretty shy, I felt like weird, I was like ‘I’m not normal, and cool like them,’ and I found myself a group of kind of self proclaimed weird people, and we’re like ‘yeah we’re- we’re the weird ones together!’ The thing is, even with having that group of friends, I didn’t- I didn’t talk to them. I talked to them on Instant Messenger, but in real life I was like mute, I didn’t know how to talk, I never shared my feelings, it was all just super bottled in, and it didn’t feel good, um so what I did spend a lot of time doing in middle school was sitting alone in a dark closet, listening to my favorite band K’s Choice, it’s a Belgian band that was incredibly formative for me, um and I would just sit in closets and cry, and sing K’s Choice, ‘cuz singing was the only way at this point in my life that I was getting- getting things out. I didn’t know how to talk yet, but I knew how to sing in private, and that is how I stayed sane. So this music video, for those of you that haven’t seen it, I’m actually- I’m writing out all the lyrics to the song behind a window, so you’re on that side, and you can read it, but I’m writing it backwards, which is another super nostalgic thing for me because in high school when I was getting sleepy in classes, I would take my notes written backwards to engage my brain more, and then I would give secret notes to my friends that I would write backwards, so that was a big part of me as a forming human. As I was writing out the lyrics I was really trying to inhabit all those different parts of my life, like childhood and all the stuff that is gone from that, and early times with Jesse and then friendships that I’ve lost and things that were really painful and mistakes, and I was like just thinking about all of it, and it was so intense, and then as the music video is coming to an end, I realized there was a lot of space at the end of the video, and I didn’t know how I was gonna fill it, I was like ‘there are no more lyrics,’ and I just started writing, but this time I was writing forwards for me, so for you it’s backwards. I just started writing things that were coming up: grandad, cancer, friends, no friends, can’t talk, social anxiety, confusion, jealousy, lost, growing, love, so it was like all these things I was feeling, I was thinking about losing my grandfather, and about death, and remembering when my mom was diagnosed with a blood disease when I was in high school, and learning how to be myself, and learning how to maneuver emotions and how to communicate, and generally feeling confused and lost all the time in life because we’ve never done life before and it’s so hard, that last moment was just kind of this final catharsis of everything else that I was super feeling in that moment and I felt needed to be honored in this video somehow. If you guys don’t know my song History, go listen, it means so much to me, it’s out on all the places you can listen to music, and also a reminder that I do have a presale for vinyls for In the Waiting, so if you wanted a ph- an actual record, um they are in the making, you can go to kina grannis dot com and order yours. Thank you guys for listening. If you’re still here, you’re incredible, I just can’t even believe it. Okay. I’ll talk to you guys later. Bye.

Hi again, and welcome to Behind the Songs. Today I’m gonna talk about In the Waiting. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna talk about it, and I’m still not sure if I’m gonna talk about it. Let’s see what happens. Yeah. Okay. We’ll just do it. What inspired me to write this song is that Jesse and I have been trying to create another human, for a long time, um. We’ve been trying for two and a half years to no avail, and um- and it’s hard. It’s really difficult. We didn’t wanna talk about it publicly for a long time and- and as time has gone on it’s more of a just giant part of our existence right now, and- and it also dawned on me that by not talking about it I am maybe not helping other people that are going through this or that might go through this someday, and that maybe me sharing my struggle might be helpful to some of you. Um. Yeah it’s a really hard thing, when you’re like ‘oh let’s start a family, let’s have a baby,’ and then- and then it’s just not possible, or it seems. We’re still being hopeful but now that we are you know two and half years in we’ve done so much growing, and we’ve learned so much, and so we’re in a much better place with it now but most of this album- most of the album was written during this period of time, the early- the early hard time which was much much harder than it is now because we hadn’t done as much growing. It was like such a devastating hard thing, once a month just like full on breakdown and feeling so sad about it, and I found myself pretty often just wanting to skip ahead to like someday when it works, which granted like I don’t even know if that will happen someday, um but I just kept having this thought of like ‘I just- I want this part to be done, like I just wanna skip ahead,’ and I also- I had moments like this with my album too, my album was like so so meaningful to make and it was also so important that it scared me and it was kind of terrifying and really hard to make, um and I had moments too of being like ‘I just want the album to be done, I know I have to record like seven more songs but I just want the album to be done,’ and I found myself wishing this a lot when I was in these very hard moments, and then one day I was sitting at home and I had this like ‘bing!’ where I was like ‘if I’m in the headspace of wanting to wish away right now and skip ahead to some future day which may or may not ever even exist, what a sad thing that these are the seconds I definitely have, like these are the seconds I’m still alive for and I’m healthy and I have loved ones and the world is beautiful, and I could be out enjoying it and instead I’m started living my life based around some imaginary thing in the future,’ and- and I was wishing away the life that I had which was still beautiful and still wonderful, and so over these two and a half years it has been this huge huge learning. Another lyric from the song is um to “trust in the timing of my tiny existence,” and you know we often think we know what’s supposed to happen or we know the best way for things to go, um but life is so mysterious and magical, and things go wrong and then they end up being the best thing that ever happened to you, like I think about Jakarta for me and that was the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m so grateful for it, because I wouldn’t be who I am without it. I’m trying more and more to trust in the timing, whatever it is, because I look at my life now and- and every time it didn’t work, every time we still weren’t making a human, it would be really sad and then we would both step back and we’d say like ‘what are we grateful for, what- what have we been able to do that we would have not been able to do had this come to us yet,’ and- and I would think back and I’d be like ‘wow we had that dinner with our parents, and I wrote this song, and we played this show,’ and like all these life experiences that I wouldn’t have had had things worked out differently, and so while it has been incredibly painful, and can be hard to sit with sometimes, um I do feel like um- I do feel like I’ve grown so much, because of it, and I am really grateful that it’s happening the way it is, and um yeah. So, that’s kind of why the album was named after this too, it was kind of just this whole period in my life, it felt like I was just waiting, that life was just waiting for something until I realized like ‘oh no, you can’t- you can’t live life waiting, you have to live now,’ um. “Life is in the waiting,” as I once said in this very song, um. So yeah. And to- to any of you who have gone through this, or are going through this, or might go through this someday, I’m just sending you lots and lots of love because it’s really hard, um. But we’re stronger for it, and someday if it happens we’ll be even more grateful, and if it doesn’t happen, we will find other things to do. But we don’t have to get there yet. The reason why I felt called to shoot it there is there is this quote that I heard once and resonates with me so much, and “it’s nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” And when I think of that, I think of trees, especially giant ancient trees that have been there for thousands of years. When you look at a tree, it’s just being patient. Trees aren’t fretting about the timeline, they’re not like running here and there, and comparing themselves to other people, and needing to accomplish so much or like be something. They’re there, and they are just leaning towards the light that they can receive, and they’re growing when they can, and they’re braving the weather, and there’s such a peace and stillness to the way that trees live versus uh humans that is very inspiring to me. It felt fitting for me to do this song which is about not wishing the present away in these redwoods that have just sat there in the present for so so long. I don’t know if I did talking about that justice. I wanted to talk about it right, but talking about things right just makes it too scary, so that was imperfect and I probably didn’t say a lot that I wanted to say. If you guys haven’t listened to my song In the Waiting, you can listen wherever you listen to music. Another reminder that if you want this album in vinyl form, I’m making a new batch for you guys, so you can go to my website and order one of these, so it can live in your home with you. Okay, thank you guys so much for listening. I’m sorry if that was a lot. Sending you lots of love. Thank you guys for listening. Bye.

Okay, today we are diving into Birdsong! Which is such a special song to me. This song actually came to me in a very different way than normal. I was on a walk in my neighborhood, and I saw these birds flying in the sky. It was like a raven and then like a tiny little starling or something. They were flying around together, and then I was like ‘maybe I’ll just try singing about these birds.’ To be honest, the first part was probably uh really stupid and bad. Probably about crows talking to each other. That is not what the song is about, but I was singing and then I started singing the part- which part was it. “Tell me tell me what you see,” and then I heard in my head piano, which if you know this song you know is not like an impressive feat because the piano I heard was like basically two notes, it was just. I was like ‘oh gosh I have to get home,’ so I went home and I sat down at the piano, and then the normal thing happened where the song just started coming out of me, and so when I was writing it, what I was pulling on, some of you know, I have rescued several baby birds in my life, um. It’s all been incredibly magical and incredibly emotional. While I called on the feelings of all the little birds I had, there was one in particular that wrecked me the hardest. Jesse and I and- and a big group of people, we were on this river rafting trip down the Grand Canyon, and every day we would raft down the river and then do some camping alongside the bottom of the Grand Canyon and it was crazy. And one day they found this little bird in the river, it’s like an ice cold river. It probably was trying to learn how to fly. They pulled it out. We got it warm and then I was trying to feed it, and it was so magical. We named it Clancy. If I put it down in the sand a few feet in front of me, it would just slowly walk its way back to me and then start crawling up me and then just like nuzzle in my neck. And then I started teaching it how to fly. I was not trained in this and I’m sorry if I’m breaking all the birds. I have them on my hand, I’m like doing this little lowering motion, and when they feel the drop they start to flap their wings, and they get stronger and stronger and then they start to you know go off your finger and they’ll just kind of go diagonally to the ground while flapping, and then that gets further and further as their wings get stronger. We had a lunch break on the side of the river one day and I was doing this practice with it pretty far from the river. We’re doing it and it’s going five feet, six feet, and then it takes off in the direction of the river, so so long before I’m confident this bird knew how to fly, and just heads towards the river. The river is so far across. There were rapids, it’s crazy. So I’m chasing it, and I run out into the river like as deep as I can go, and the bird’s going out over the river, and then I can’t see it anymore, and I don’t know if it kept flying, or if it fell into the river and drowned, but I lost it in a way I have maybe never lost it quite like this. I was here with this group of twenty people who are all kind of watching this scene, they’ve been watching me care for this bird, and then they watch the bird fly inches over the river and me running after it. I couldn’t face everyone. In my mind at that moment I was basically like ‘I killed this bird that I love so much. I shouldn’t have let it fly, I should have been further from the river, I should have pointed it in another direction,’ and- and I had no idea if it would be okay. I just stood there, just bawling. This went for like an hour. It was such a deep deep ache. This is a side thing. There was a woman on our rafting trip whose name was Raine, and she was older and she came alone, and she was just beautiful and so wise. Jesse was talking to her, and she was like ‘you know I’ve been watching Kina and it’s so sweet how she is with this bird, and I- I see she’s so devastated’ and she was like ‘you know the thing is with parenting, we’re all gonna make mistakes, and bad things might happen but if we were doing it with love, from a place of love, that’s all you can ask of yourself,’ which was really sweet and was helpful to me. Sometimes you use a device to help you write a song, so in this case it was my bird Clancy or in the case of Winter, a song off Elements, my tool was this vase of dead flowers which helped me pull out a song that was about loss. Jesse came home and I was like ‘I wrote a song’ and I played it for him, and in my mind I’m like ‘oh it’s about birds,’ and then I’m singing the song and I just started crying, and it hit me in that moment- again I’ve said this before, I think songs are for everyone and every meaning that they need them to be, and I don’t usually think through all the different meanings they can be for people, but in this instant I had like a huge one hit me. One of the things this song is for is for all of the people who have lost children or babies very very early on, whether it was like a miscarriage or losing them when they were like so tiny and so young, which is- I cannot imagine how devastating, and I was like ‘oh my gosh I think this feels like what the song is about to me, this tiny fragile thing coming into your life and then being gone before- before you could have ever possibly been ready,’ and the really crazy thing is I’ve heard from so many women who have been through that, and then listened to Birdsong and it connected to that part of them. Ah! And you guys are so strong and amazing, these messages were really really beautiful and so inspiring, and just- yeah. Really, really incredibly powerful and meaningful. If you listen carefully, there are probably birds in every single song off of In the Waiting because we live kind of surrounded by trees, and there are so many birds, and our studio is not soundproofed at all, and so there are birds in the background of all of my songs pretty much if you’re listening hard enough, but for this one instead of trying to hide it, I actually just sat in the studio and I opened the door and I just pressed record for like three minutes, and I just let the birds be recorded, and it felt really right. Thank you for going on that journey with me, it means so much to me to get to share a little bit more. Thank you guys for watching, as always if you don’t know Birdsong you can go listen to it on Spotify or iTunes or all of the places, and um- and I hope that you enjoy it, okay but thank you guys and I will see you later. Bye.

Okay. Hi everybody! That was my song Make Me, which I wrote over eleven years ago, and I released it on YouTube ten years ago, and it did come out as a bonus track on Stairwells, way back in the day, so some of you have heard this song. Probably a lot of you have not, um but it’s a very special song for me so I wanted to do a Throwback Session and give it some new life, and- and get it out. Prior to this I had never officially released the song, so you could only listen to my old old version on YouTube, so as of now it is out on all the places you listen, on Spotify or iTunes or Amazon or Google Play or eighty billion of the other ones, it is there, for you. Some of you have probably seen I have been releasing my behind the Songs, celebrating my In the Waiting anniversary which was back in June. Stretching it out a little bit. But it’s been so meaningful to me and so special so thank you guys for watching these, I’ve basically been diving into each of the songs, talking about what I was going through, what they mean to me, um little bit about the music videos and stuff like that, so it’s been really fun, I know they’re really long, um but thank you guys for doing this with me. Also, reminder that I am doing a second run of my vinyls because the In the Waiting vinyls sold out so quickly, so I’ll put the link below if you would like a vinyl, um they are being printed now, so hopefully they will be getting shipped to you in the near future. Um, as always, giant giant thank you to all of my family in KGRecords, all of my patrons, thank you guys for supporting my music, um you are so wonderful, it means so much to have you in my corner, so thank you guys, I’m sending all of you so much love, and um yes. More from me soon. Hope you guys are well, bye.

It's Behind the Songs again and today we're diving into California, and I think I'm even at a place in life where I don't cry when I talk about it. A few years ago, almost four years ago now, my band and I went on tour to southeast Asia. It was the last tour of my Elements album and I was super super excited, and we played the first show in Indonesia and then immigration people showed up and they took our passports and they didn’t tell us why. I’m trying to do this super fast ‘cuz if I don’t this could be like a thirty minute long video. The boiled down version is that there had been a mishap with our visas, unbeknownst to us, and therefore we had broken the law, and they’re like ‘so uh this is the crime you committed, the punishment is five years in jail.’ The thing is when it happened I was like ‘oh there’s been a terrible misunderstanding, we have the right visas, it was in the contract, it was all signed, and it’s- I think this is a misunderstanding.’ Long story short, none of that matters, and therefore we were looking at potential jail time, and it was terrifying. We lived in a hotel. We were there for a hundred days, we ended up moving near the end, but it was this strange time in life where there was absolutely no certainty, and so much fear. We didn’t know if or when we would ever go home. I didn’t know if I would ever see my family again, like if I went to jail, like who knows what happens as you go to jail. I might not go home, I might go to jail, meanwhile I couldn’t talk about any of this on the Internet, because everyone that was advising us was like ‘if you go public and this becomes a big bad thing ,you’ll probably just go to jail right now, so just don’t talk about it, cancel your tour,’ so I cancelled the tour and I couldn’t say why, and then we spent the next hundred days trying to find out how to get home, and we’re bringing in all these different lawyers and talking to different people back home like ‘is there anything anyone can do’ and there was nothing to do except wait and just see what happened. Mental health was a struggle. I already struggle with mental health, and then being put in a situation like this where everything is stripped from you, days were very difficult. I’m gonna talk about this again for For Now also, so I won’t go too crazy into it, but it was a very crazy time that was very very difficult, and then I had this magic little two weeks that I’ll talk about more in For Now but there was this blip in the middle where I felt like I could write, and I wrote two songs, and it was California and For Now. I wrote it in a stairwell in the hotel where we lived, and then I remember Jesse coming in and playing it for him and both of us kind of just losing it, ‘cuz it was way too real. I probably just told the story the worst I’ve ever done it. I wrote a blog post about it, if you Google kina grannis 100 days in jakarta, I did like a written account of the things that happened and everything I learned and- and all of that stuff, so if you wanna know more about it you can read it ‘cuz I think that was a bad job. Craziest experience of my life, learned eighty billion things, cried so much and also I’m so grateful for it. That’s that. So for the first half of being stuck there I couldn’t even bear to think about touching my guitar. So then by the time I could- and I’ll talk more about how I got there in the next episode, by the time I could, I think the thing that was so powerful- it was one of the first times in this whole experience that I was able to really process some emotion outside of crying, which don’t worry I did a lot of that too. Getting to take all of this pain and fear and longing and getting to put it into a song was like just really helpful. Songs have always been really therapeutic for me and- and this one was definitely one of them. So yeah it was hard, it was also really helpful for me. It’s about missing home and missing my family, and longing for things so badly that I have no control over happening again, and at the same time trying to be okay with that fully, ‘cuz if I wasn’t okay with that I would break. So I had to somehow hold all of this longing and sadness and fear and then also hold that it’s okay, that I can hurt this much, and it’s okay, and I can miss you this much, and it’s okay, and I might never see you again, and I will be okay, like I had to go that deep with it because I was mentally preparing for if I go to jail, and I live there for who knows how long, I need to be able to protect my mind and so I was like ‘if that happens I just have to meditate all day long and become enlightened and it’s gonna be okay,’ like I had to be really optimistic and holding all my pain, ‘cuz I wasn’t gonna deny myself the pain. It was so sad to miss my family and not know when I would ever go home. So this song starts with the lyrics “hey there California, I can hear you when I wake up, in the distance like the ocean calling me back to your side, holding my breath in the night, I listen again for your song,” and that’s just like this cycle that I was in, every moment I’m thinking about home and every moment I’m thinking about when I’m gonna get home. I felt the giant ocean between us, I felt almost like I could look out and know there’d be an ocean, and then somewhere on the way way way way way other side of that ocean was home, and every night I went to bed thinking like ‘is tomorrow the day? could tomorrow be the day? I shouldn’t think that, that’s gonna hurt, it’s probably not gonna be tomorrow,’ and it was this thing and then you wake up and you’re like ‘I’m here, I’m still here, oo I wanna go home, oo I wonder if I’m ever gonna go home.’ It felt like it was impossible that it would actually ever happen. So when I shot it I was like ‘I don’t feel it’s even right to make a fancy music video for this song, ‘cuz this song is just raw and not fancy and it’s not trying to do anything, it was just this emotional dump,’ and I just was like ‘I think I just need to go sit on the coast, I need to touch California, by the ocean that I was longing to go across and just sing this song.’ Thank you guys again for watching and listening and um you can go listen to California wherever you listen to music and um there will be more of these soon. You guys are so awesome if you’re actually watching these, I know it’s a huge time investment but um it means a lot to get to dive into these and continue celebrating In the Waiting before we move on to new song babies, so thank you guys so much, and I hope you’re well, and I’m sending you lots and lots of love and I’ll talk to you later. Okay. Bye.

Welcome back to Behind the Songs, again! This time I’m diving into my song For Now. If you don’t know about my time in Jakarta maybe start with the California Behind the Songs, or start with googling kina grannis 100 days in Jakarta, and then read the blog post that I wrote about the whole thing because first you have to put your mind in uh that world that I was living in. I was in this bad way where we had no control over what was happening to us, there was zero certainty, a lot of fear, a lot of confusion, a lot of sadness. When you resist those emotions, it is very bad. I was there was my band, and they are like my family, I love them so much and- and we all kind of dealt with it in our own ways. For me it hit me in like waves of just deep, deep sadness. Throughout the whole thing we had some family and friends back home saying ‘you should be documenting this, you should take videos and you know write music and create while you can,’ and that was so beyond me at that point, ‘I was like I can’t even get out of bed. I can’t possibly turn a camera on or try to write music.’ I was in survival mode, and those things, they didn’t even feel like options. But then at some point it dawned on us that we really might be here for a long time. Early on we were told it might be nine months before we even have the trial that decides if we go to jail or not, and those nine months would be really rough, and then we could end up in jail. So I was thinking ‘I need to take better care of myself. If this is life, I need to start respecting this time and taking care of this time like it is my real life, not like my life is happening without me back home,’ and so I started doing a gratitude journal every day, so every day I would write maybe like ten things that I was grateful for, and sometimes it- I just felt like I was making it up, like I didn’t feel it, but I just went through the motions, so I did a gratitude journal, I was meditating every day, sometimes twice a day, I was exercising for at least an hour a day, I was just like ‘how do I take care of this vessel that I’m living in.’ Eating vegetables, meditating, exercising, reading inspiring content, doing gratitude journals, and I made it my full time job to take care of myself, and it started working, so there was actually a part halfway through our time there, we were there for a hundred days, where I felt so at peace with things, I actually felt how grateful I was to be there in the middle of all of this. I was like okay being really not okay, and in this little blip I felt like ‘maybe I’ll pick up my guitar’ and so I did, I wrote two songs when I was over there and For Now was the first one, and I was alone in my hotel room, Jesse was downstairs with the band, all of a sudden I was like ‘oh my gosh a song, I remember this.’ I remember being really excited about it and it felt so good and it felt helpful to get emotion out of me, and at the same time I was kind of hitting a wall, and I was like ‘I don’t know what this song is about, I can’t write it, I don’t have it in me to write it,’ and so Jesse came up at one point, he was like ‘oh you wanna come to dinner?’ And I was like ‘yeah I’m like- I’m writing a song but I’ll come to dinner,’ and he’s like ‘wait what? You’re writing? You can’t come to dinner. You don’t get to come to dinner.’ And I was like ‘I I wanna come to dinner!’ And he was like ‘you have to stay, you can’t leave your song.’ We have this thing where if a song starts you cannot leave it until it’s as complete as it can be in that moment, because if you leave before it’s done pouring out of you you can lose it. So Jesse’s like ‘you should stay’ and I was kind of begging him ’can you please write all of the lyrics to this song for me,’ and that’s a crazy ask because I never cowrite. A few times in my life I’ve done this, but mostly, like ninety nine point nine nine percent of my songs I’ve written alone. I really don’t know how to write with other people and it also weirds me out ‘cuz I’m like ‘if this is my song certainly you shouldn’t have written the words, that doesn’t make sense to me.’ So I never ever have people involved in my songs, and in this moment because I was so weak and so fragile I was like ‘Jesse can you please please write all of the lyrics for me, just make it a good song,’ and he was like ‘I won’t, I can’t, I’m sorry, it’s yours, you have to do it.’ And I was like. And so he left and I kind of kept trudging through it and slowly the words started finding me, and it felt so good. Okay so the chorus is “maybe it’s enough that we’ve laid here, maybe it’s enough that I’ve known inside my head, and maybe it’s enough to know that we were here together and that we are the ones for now.” What this song is about for me, it’s about a lot of things, one of which was the thing that I really learned in my time in Jakarta which was when everything is stripped away, things get put into perspective so clearly, and all the things that used to stupidly matter just didn’t matter at all, it was like I woke up and that’s amazing, and I am still breathing and that’s amazing, and I have hands and maybe I can’t be with my family but they’re back home and I have people that I love. Everything was stripped away and it was so clear that I had everything, like I had all the most beautiful things. I was getting to experience life, and I was getting to experience emotions and I was experiencing love and pain and like all of that as beautiful, and I felt really grateful just to get to be part of this whole human experience. It’s a lot about gratitude and it’s about how cool it is to be here in this moment with everyone else that’s here in this moment, which takes me to the last question for this song. The music video For Now was compiled from a bunch of footage from my In the Waiting tour. It’s kind of intense, I do some crying in it. This tour was really intense for me. It was my first tour since Jakarta so I think I had a lot of trauma living in me and that made it scary. I was struggling with a lot of things. Why I wanted to make this song about life on the road is because part of the song is about how crazy it is- human history has been so vast. We’re in like this tiny little part and it’s been huge and we, if you’re hearing this- well I guess that’s not true, you could be hearing this in the future when I’m long gone, but let’s assume you’re listening right now. We get to exist on the planet at the same exact time in this tiny little blip that so many people never knew, so many other people in the future are never gonna know and we get to be in it together, and we get to have our lives cross, and we get to inspire each other and connect and share our struggles and share our stories, and I feel so grateful for that and so grateful for all the people that have come through my life, and I feel that so viscerally when I am on tour, because I look out every night- I spend most of my life behind a computer, like right now, but on tour there are all these real people from all over the world that are coming and sharing an evening with me, just sitting in a room with me, and we’re all feeling these all feelings together and thinking about these things together, and to take it a step further, all these people, yourself included, are the reason why I get to do what I love every day, are the reason I get to making music, and so it’s like even more gratitude for getting to be here with these people right now. Every night I would play this song and look out on stage and see all these people, and just be like ‘this is amazing. We don’t get to be here very long, and I’m so very grateful that in my little blip here I got to interact with all of you.’ If you’re listening and I know probably that’s like three people, ‘cuz these videos are very long, but if you’re listening, that’s so cool! Our lives are like this, and um that’s really important to me, so thank you guys for listening. I think with that I will wrap it up on this song. You can go listen to these songs, you can go listen to For Now wherever you listen to music. That is it. Thank you guys so much and I will see you very soon with another Behind the Songs. Okay. Bye.

Hi. I’m sorry for the car noise in the background. So that was Dream a Little Dream of Me, it’s a great song, uh it’s out everywhere you listen to music! Spotify, iTunes, Google Play, you know. You know where to go. Um, what did I have to tell you. Oh a couple things: one, for those of you that preordered vinyls for In the Waiting, they’re nearly there, um I just got an update from the manufacturer and I think that they should be going out mid to late September, so they are coming, we had to get them just right, I didn’t wanna send you guys weird vinyls, I’m so sorry, and thank you guys for the wait, um in other news, I am uh still on my quest to find out how to be a functioning human, um, and I’m learning a lot, and I’m struggling a lot, and I’m learning that you don’t have to struggle all the time, and um in any case, it’s brought up lots of songs, so I wrote three songs in the last week, um which I’m pretty excited about, and I think they’re gonna make the album. Once the Behind the Songs are complete I’m gonna get in the studio and- and really dive into that a bit more, but I’m still- I still can’t let go of In the Waiting fully, so we’re gonna live in that for a little bit longer, probably finish these next four episodes and then- and then onto new territory. Um, but I hope you guys are well, I hope that you are happy and learning and growing. I am certainly trying to do those things but it’s hard sometimes, life is confusing and hard, and- man. You just never quite figure it out, but I’m trying. I wanted to thank all of my patrons, all of you in KGRecords, thank you thank you so much, um you’re wonderful, thanks for supporting my music and everything I’m doing. Sending you lots and lots of love, and strength and courage- a dove! That was nice. Okay. I hope you guys are well. I will see you later. Thanks for watching. Bye.

It’s that time again. Today we are diving into Lonesome. Here we go. I think Lonesome is a song about depression or sad times. This is something that I have sometimes. I’ve never had like terrible terrible long depression but throughout most of my adult life it’s just like a thing that I deal with. Sometimes it’s there a little bit, sometimes it’s there in a big way, sometimes it’s there for an hour, sometimes it’s there for like a month. This song was written when I was kind of stuck in one of those places. Sometimes I will wake up and it’s just there, like it’s a cloud sitting on me. Or it’s like I wake up and there’s this pit in my chest. And it’s like ‘shoot. Well, I have to deal with this.’ That’s what a lot of Lonesome is referring to in terms of it lingering in my day and lurking in the backyard. No matter how I might try to pretend I’m fine and go about life like it’s great, it’s like sneaking behind me and it’s like ‘you’re not okay, I know you’re smiling and you’re pretending but you’re not okay.’ And I used to try to pretend I was okay, that was just what I did, I was like ‘ah I’m so happy, it’s fine!’ Then it felt really bad. There was like a- maybe a yearlong period where I woke up every single day with like a weight in my chest, like- felt like something was terribly wrong, and I think what that was was feelings and things that I needed to acknowledge and feel and say out loud. Yeah so the ‘it’ would be sadness, but you start to feel it too, just underneath the surface, whispers from the left side of the bed. That lyrics also refers to unfortunately no matter how hard I tried to pretend I wasn’t sad, um, Jesse has always- he can just tell, and so you know I would do that stupid thing where he’s like ‘what’s wrong’ and I’m like ‘nothing! That’s- I’m fine, nothing’s wrong!’ and he’s like ‘no.’ Um and I feel bad because he’s a very empathic person, as am I, but you know Jesse’s just someone that most of the time he feels great so that’s the stuff I get to feel from him, what he has to feel from me all the time- I am sad and I’m anxious and I am questioning and I am comparing and not helpful things, and I’m working aggressively on all of them, I don’t want to just be that way, and I’ve made huge progress but it’s unfortunate for Jesse because I think you have to be very strong to hold space for another human to feel all of those things and not take on all of their emotion. I think I was going through this time where I was so in this hole and you know sometimes when it’s like that you don’t even know why, sometimes it’s just chemical, and sometimes it feed into other things but I think at this point I didn’t even know why I was feeling this way, I couldn’t really imagine having to be around people and to be on or to do anything for that matter, and I think as I was singing this lyric it was this feeling of ‘do other people feel this way?’ Even knowing someone else is in this state with me alone somewhere else, makes me feel so much better and so much less broken which of course is the truth! So many of us go through this. This is part of why I wanted to do these Behind the Songs because I want to share what I go through so that hopefully some of you can be like ‘I’m not crazy because she feels it too!’ Or maybe we’re crazy but at least that’s better than being crazy alone. It feels better to know that you’re going through a shared experience, even if it’s really hard. I was trying to think of what I wanted this music video to be, and I wasn’t sure, and then I said out of nowhere to Jesse ‘ha ha ha what if I was just singing the whole song to a tortoise,’ and then he was like ‘do you want a tortoise, we can find a tortoise.’ And I was like ‘wait can I- can I really have a tortoise?’ We did find a place that had a tortoise and we brought it out to the desert in Joshua Tree and we did this one with our friend Yoni Goldberg, so this is why Lonesome’s a step above all the other music videos, because Yoni was behind the camera and he has an amazing camera and an amazing eye, and it’s so stunning. So we had the tortoise and I didn’t really know what the plan was, at first I really thought I was just gonna lie down in front of it and sing the whole song to it, and then I realized that’s kind of a weird shot. Like with most of the videos in this album, I didn’t have a solid plan, they just unfolded as I went, and I just went on an adventure in the desert with a tortoise. What it came to symbolize to me was a few things, one I was in this sad depression desert world, and then I came across another- I don’t wanna say person ‘cuz um tortoises aren’t people, but another being on its own journey, maybe struggling in its own ways. But it was this feeling of we weren’t talking and we weren’t doing much but I felt less alone because I was in it with this tortoise. Am I making any sense? There was something in this that really connected to a real thing to me, suffering and doing it with people separately. In other ways it also felt like the tortoise was a steadiness and the wisdom and this thing that I latched onto in my suffering, like ‘can you show me the way?’ and going through it and then at the end of it kind of being okay, and then ultimately having to go our own ways at the end, and at the end of the day we’re the only ones that can take care of ourselves, but it was kind of like this little bringer of wisdom to kind of help me out and then send me back on my way. So that’s Lonesome! If you haven’t watched the music video this is the one to watch. I’m really proud of this one, the tortoise is such a star, he’s just the greatest, and Yoni shot it so beautifully, so I hope you enjoyed it, and you can go listen to Lonesome wherever you listen to music, and thank you guys for tuning into Behind the Song again. I’m sending lots and lots and lots of love your way, and I will see you at the next Behind the Songs! Okay. Bye.

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Behind the Songs. We’re on episode eight! We’re like nearly there, you’ve almost done it. Today we are talking about my song Beth. I always wonder this when there are songs with names in it, like ‘is that a real person, is it a real person but they just changed the name to a random name, or is this whole story made up and none of this is real?’ In this instance, it is a real person, and that real person name’s is Beth! Beth is my cousin, and she is just one of the most wonderful special magical humans, she’s just like a glowing ball of light and wherever she goes she just like brings joy to everyone around her. You might know Beth because she was actually my tour manager for my Elements tour some years back, so if you came on the Elements tour and you came to a meet and greet or you just saw this like awesome girl going around running the show, that was my cousin Beth. I feel uncomfortable because I know that Beth might be watching this and I’m gonna do it all wrong, so I’m just gonna do what I can and we’re gonna have to make do with that. One of the main things was just this feeling of loving someone so much and just wanting to be there for them and know them and be close to them like as much as possible, wanting that so bad and then also feeling that there’s maybe like a gap that you’re unable to cross, and I think all of us can have protections up, walls and barriers and stuff that we’ve built up throughout life to get by and survive, and they’ve all served us. So it’s just about really wanting to cross those barriers and for the other person to know ‘I’m here, I see you, I love you, and I want in as much as you’ll have me, I’ll take whatever I can get.’ I have certainly been on the other side of this too, definitely I’ve been a person that someone is trying to see and- and I’m like boop boop boop boop boop. I mean I used to have crazy walls up, I didn’t even know who I was around other people, um I just kind of like lost my identity a lot of the time. This is not that sort of situation but I think it’s so common for us to have some walls up and it can be hard or scary or dangerous feeling to let people in all the way, and let people see you fully. Yes, so I wrote this song, and then I never told her about it, and then I was working on the album and I finally recorded this song and I was coming up to its release and it dawned on me that she didn’t know about it, and so I sent her a pretty awkward email being like ‘hi so um I wrote a song, it’s kind of like your song, and I’ve been calling it Beth but that might seem really weird so if you think that’s bad then just tell me, and I won’t do it, and I hope this song doesn’t make you feel weird, and I love you okay bye,’ and I sent it, and then I was just like ‘oh no, this is terrible.’ I don’t know, I just felt so scared. Writing a song is already such a vulnerable thing, but I guess I’m used to writing it about myself. I feel okay putting my own private things out there, but to put a thing out there that is my thing in regards to another human, I felt like I needed permission, so I sent that, and then it was actually really really beautiful. Okay here is the lesson that I get from this. So often we have that feeling, seeing someone or loving them or wanting to tell them something or wanting to be closer but we’re afraid to say it, because we’re afraid of what might happen, and so you just accept where you are, and then in writing this song and having to put it out there it kind of forced me to say all this in front of Beth in the form of a song, and so we then had a Facetime call that was really really beautiful, and I guess the takeaway was don’t be so afraid to say things especially when those things are things like ‘I really really love you, and I see you, and I’m here for you.’ Jesse and I were driving one day and I said ‘I want to shoot Beth in a meadow.’ To which he was very confused because he heard I want to shoot my cousin in a meadow, not what I had in mind. I wanted to film a music video for my song Beth in a meadow, and so that’s what we did. We went up to Yosemite, which if you’ve never been to Yosemite, if you ever get to come to California, it’s like one of the most breathtaking beautiful places in the world, I love it so much, so we drove up to Yosemite, we found a meadow, got out started shooting, and I just hear this strange sound, it was like, and I was like ‘what is happening,’ and I look. Poor Jesse is holding the camera and trying to walk as steadily as possible while he’s in a swarm of mosquitos, and they were just everywhere. For some reason they weren’t near me which is weird because I’m usually that person that the mosquitos are like all- all up over. So know that when you watch this video Jesse made a huge sacrifice in filming it for us, so thank you Jesse! Takeaways are Beth I love you so so much, and also to everyone else, talk to the people you love, open up as much as you can, communication is good, and let people in. I did wanna let you guys know that the new In the Waiting vinyls are finally finally here, so if you preordered one they are going out to you right now, and if you didn’t get a vinyl and you want one you can go order one from my website. Thank you guys for watching and listening, you are so so wonderful, I hope you guys are well, I will see you later, thank you for hanging out with me bye. Mwah!

I just got so sleepy. Okay. Behind the Songs. What are we on. Souvenirs. So I wrote this song about one year after I got back from Jakarta. That was a super weird year. When you are trapped somewhere for a hundred days and the only thing you’re ever wishing for is to go home, you kind of think that when that finally happens that the rest of life is just gonna be like ahh like skipping through fields and feeling grateful and happy forever. And what happened was the opposite. I came home and it felt so good and we cried and there was hugging, and then life set in, and I was like ‘whoa, I don’t know who I am.’ I fell into a bit of a depression, and I was really shaken because when I was in Jakarta things became so clear about what was important, it was just being alive and showing people that you love them and that’s it, and then coming back I was like ‘wait, we’re all spending our lives mostly doing stuff that’s not that. And worrying about stuff that’s not that, and what is career and what- what is any of this stuff,’ and I was so confused and part of me felt like ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever do music again.’ It felt really unsettling. I just wanted to hug people I loved, and that be my life for the rest of time. So I had a really difficult year of trying to kind of put the pieces back together, and I did a lot of different types of therapy and just worked on myself a lot and I finally started to get to an okay place, and then I was doing a writing retreat day with my drummer Darla who was also in Jakarta with us. She was writing upstairs, I was writing downstairs, and she had asked me ‘do you think you’ll ever write about Jakarta again?’ and I was like ‘ah, I don’t know if I have anything left to say,’ which is silly, and she was like ‘maybe- maybe there’s more,’ and I was like ‘yeah maybe,’ and then I sat down at the piano and this song Souvenirs kind of poured out. The first thing about this music video is that it’s flipping between Jakarta and my home, and Jakarta, my experience of Jakarta is inside a hotel room because that’s where I spent 99% of my time there. I really really wanted it to feel correct, and Jesse and I spent an entire day looking up pictures of hotel rooms in Los Angeles, trying to find one that felt like our home in Jakarta, and so we search and search and search and then I finally found one that was pretty close, like the color scheme was right, the placement of the bed and the window was right, we even moved stuff around in the hotel room to be as close as it could to ours except it’s the mirror image. What I wanted to do for this video was just recreate my life there, so everything you see me doing in this video, it’s exactly what I did. So the outfit that I’m wearing is the outfit that I lived in. The mug that the video starts on that has Indonesia and then a plane flying over the ocean, and then California and it says how many miles is between these two places, was actually a gift given to me the night of that show before all of this went down, which is so weird. One of the only gifts I got that night was a mug that told me how far away I was from home, and I did love it and I still use it now. Someone also at the show, they gave me a journal, so I did all this gratitude journaling in this journal that someone gave to me at the show, and just real journaling about my time there. That was not actually my original journal, I found another one that looked like it, and then I copied out actual pages from my diary when I was in Jakarta. The crocheting, Darla and I, again my drummer who’s like my Jakarta sister, at one point we were like ‘we should learn how to crochet granny squares,’ and I had this idea that I would make this blanket, and so we spent all of our time- like we’d be at dinner crocheting, when we’re with the band we’re crocheting, when I’m really depressed I’m crocheting, and then, a hundred days in, we get word we’re going home. I never finished the blanket. I tied them up in this little bag and then I put them away and I never looked at them again, and so when I shot this video was the first time I actually brought out all of these squares that I had been working on the whole time I was in Jakarta, and it was the first time I had crocheted since. I finished the last square. I didn’t even finish the last square I was working on, which is so weird, so it felt like this nice closure to get to finish the final granny square. I still haven’t made it a blanket, but that’s okay. The video was also a lot about the weird weird transition coming home. There’s a part in the video where it flickers in between me being at home and me being in Jakarta. The whole time I was in Jakarta I was thinking about home, and then I get home and I just kept thinking about Jakarta, it was like this weird alt universe and I was always going between them. This is really the whole point of the song. All of the hardest things, like the saddest memories and the most difficult conversations or moments, those feel like gifts to me now. They’re like badges of something. They’re the moments where I learned the most, they’re the moments that I felt the most. Things were important and I’m grateful that I got to feel so deeply, and now being this far out from Jakarta, I am only grateful for the experience, and it’s all like a souvenir to me, it’s all like this special gift that taught me so much, and that I have a do lot of oddly warm memories of, of course I have all the like terrifying memories too. Seeing how much community meant, or how much family meant, how much friendship meant, strengthening my relationship with Jesse, so so many- so many souvenirs coming out of this really hard thing, and I try to look at all of life like this now, when a really hard thing is happening, I’m pretty sure something really beautiful’s gonna come out of it somehow someday, I will look back and be like ‘thank goodness that happened, because blah blah blah.’ That’s not true. I’m never gonna be like ‘thank goodness someone died,’ but even the hardest things there is beauty to be found and lessons to be found, and I think that’s kind of what this is about, to stay open to that stuff so that the bad stuff isn’t just bad. That’s Souvenirs you guys! Um, there’s only one left and then we will have completed the Behind the Songs series for In the Waiting. Thank you guys for coming along on this journey with me. I hope you are very well and I’m sending you so much love and I’ll see you soon. Okay bye.

It’s the last Behind the Songs! Thank you so much for letting me ramble. This was really scary and uncomfortable for me to do but also something that felt really important to me, and I know it’s not for everyone, and so I am very grateful to those of you that this resonates with. Thank you guys for keeping me company. So I asked you guys to think of limiting beliefs that you have, stories that you tell yourself that might be holding yourself back, like ‘I’m broken’ or ‘I’ll never be good enough’ or ‘I’m x y and z’. We all do this in our heads, it’s not nice. So I challenged a bunch of you to go find those limiting beliefs and then start changing the narrative and write a new belief that you wanna start believing and living in, and I was so blown away by the response. That’s a really scary prompt, to have to look at yourself like that. It’s like a lot of work, and so the fact that anyone at all did this was amazing, but the messages that were sent in, people holding up their new belief or the new thing they wanna work on believing, it was so moving. Throughout making the whole video I was just crying and even to this day I recently watched this music video, and I am just covered in goosebumps the entire time and just tearing up because the strength and beauty of these humans- just one of the most beautiful things to me ever is just to watch all these humans be so vulnerable and challenge a belief about themselves. We’re all going through such different lives, we’re all struggling in such different and similar ways, and it’s just really beautiful to get to see that rawness. I feel like this song kind of tied together this whole album and this whole chapter for me, and is something that I really really have to remember in life. This idea that you have everything you need. I think a lot of us go through life feeling like we are incomplete or broken and we’re waiting for some person to save us, or we’re waiting for some job to make us the person we thought we’d be, or to have some great change, but I think we’re- we’re all whole, and we’ll keep growing forever, and the more we can stop beating ourselves up and- and judging everything about ourselves the more we can settle in to ‘oh everything is actually already fine,’ and of course we can grow and strive, and try to be better and do better for the world, but I like the idea that we all already have everything we need, and so this idea, “all along I had it all,” when I’m anxious or when I’m depressed and when I’m struggling, when I really step back in those moments, it kind of goes back to the song For Now which is like I got to live. I get to be here, and I get to breathe and I get to eat, and I get to meet people, and grow, and experience love, and experience nature, and laugh. Those are the things that matter, not the external things, not what we look like, not achieving some status, or making a certain amount of money, or having other people think you’re cool. The real real happiness and fulfillment comes from those moments of just being here, connecting with someone, learning, looking at a tree, listening to a good song. I might be making absolutely no sense. This was the most asked question for any song on the whole album. So if you have listened to carefully to this song, you might have noticed that in the second half of the song there’s like some whispering. There’s like maybe someone talking but you’re not sure if you’re going crazy. Okay so the first part is the part that is just repeating all along I had it all, and then there’s this pause and then it turns into this other part. I just started feeling like there’s- there has to be some message buried under this. I pressed record and I just started saying things, and in this weird way this was like a culmination of the whole album to me, it’s like what have I learned over this whole album, of all these songs this whole chapter of life like what I thinking about what am I feeling and I just started rambling all this stuff. I think it’s fair, I made you suffer for a year, I’m gonna read you my little poem now. Okay. Here we go, you ready? “Here’s to the many things that make life so sweet: to the air, and the birds, and the stars, and the trees, to the people around that help me be me, to the pain to the waiting, to the tears, to the sea, and learning all along I’ve had everything I need. You have everything you need.” We have gone through the entire album, um thank you so much for coming on this journey with me and revisiting all these songs and getting to spend a little bit more time with them, um this was really like the most special album I’ve ever made, and it’s the first album that I got to release because of so many of you that have joined KG Records. You are my record label now and it’s- it’s amazing, so it was such a special time and it is- it’s a little sad for me to move on from it, but I know these songs will always be out there in the world living their own lives and- and now I feel at peace to move forward to some new ones. If you haven’t heard this song or the whole album you can go listen to it, you can go order the vinyl from my website, um if you want a physical thing, there’s also CDs. Thank you guys so much, you’re so wonderful, um I hope that you know that, I hope that you continue to feel more and more whole and happy, and um I’m sending lots and lots of love your way, and yeah. I think that’s it. Okay. Thank you guys. You’re the best. Bye.

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