#KAREN PAGE. BEAUTY IS TRUTH; & TRUTH BEAUTY.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Emil Ferris’s long-awaited “My Favorite Thing Is Monsters Book Two”

NEXT WEEKEND (June 7–9), I'm in AMHERST, NEW YORK to keynote the 25th Annual Media Ecology Association Convention and accept the Neil Postman Award for Career Achievement in Public Intellectual Activity.

Seven years ago, I was absolutely floored by My Favorite Thing Is Monsters, a wildly original, stunningly gorgeous, haunting and brilliant debut graphic novel from Emil Ferris. Every single thing about this book was amazing:

https://memex.craphound.com/2017/06/20/my-favorite-thing-is-monsters-a-haunting-diary-of-a-young-girl-as-a-dazzling-graphic-novel/

The more I found out about the book, the more amazed I became. I met Ferris at that summer's San Diego Comic Con, where I learned that she had drawn it over a while recovering from paralysis of her right – dominant – hand after a West Nile Virus infection. Each meticulously drawn and cross-hatched page had taken days of work with a pen duct-taped to her hand, a project of seven years.

The wild backstory of the book's creation was matched with a wild production story: first, Ferris's initial publisher bailed on her because the book was too long; then her new publisher's first shipment of the book was seized by the South Korean state bank, from the Panama Canal, when the shipper went bankrupt and its creditors held all its cargo to ransom.

My Favorite Thing Is Monsters told the story of Karen Reyes, a 10 year old, monster-obsessed queer girl in 1968 Chicago who lives with her working-class single mother and her older brother, Deeze, in an apartment house full of mysterious, haunted adults. There's the landlord – a gangster and his girlfriend – the one-eyed ventriloquist, and the beautiful Holocaust survivor and her jazz-drummer husband.

Karen narrates and draws the story, depicting herself as a werewolf in a detective's trenchcoat and fedora, as she tries to unravel the secrets kept by the grownups around her. Karen's life is filled with mysteries, from the identity of her father (her brother, a talented illustrator, has removed him from all the family photos and redrawn him as the Invisible Man) to the purpose of a mysterious locked door in the building's cellar.

But the most pressing mystery of all is the death of her upstairs neighbor, the beautiful Annika Silverberg, a troubled Holocaust survivor whose alleged suicide just doesn't add up, and Karen – who loved and worshiped Annika – is determined to get to the bottom of it.

Karen is tormented by the adults in her life keeping too much from her – and by their failure to shield her from life's hardest truths. The flip side of Karen's frustration with adult secrecy is her exposure to adult activity she's too young to understand. From Annika's cassette-taped oral history of her girlhood in an Weimar brothel and her escape from a Nazi concentration camp, to the sex workers she sees turning tricks in cars and alleys in her neighborhood, to the horrors of the Vietnam war, Karen's struggle to understand is characterized by too much information, and too little.

Ferris's storytelling style is dazzling, and it's matched and exceeded by her illustration style, which is grounded in the classic horror comics of the 1950s and 1960s. Characters in Karen's life – including Karen herself – are sometimes depicted in the EC horror style, and that same sinister darkness crowds around the edges of her depictions of real-world Chicago.

These monster-comic throwbacks are absolute catnip for me. I, too, was a monster-obsessed kid, and spent endless hours watching, drawing, and dreaming about this kind of monster.

But Ferris isn't just a monster-obsessive; she's also a formally trained fine artist, and she infuses her love of great painters into Deeze, Karen's womanizing petty criminal of an older brother. Deeze and Karen's visits to the Art Institute of Chicago are commemorated with loving recreations of famous paintings, which are skillfully connected to pulp monster art with a combination of Deeze's commentary and Ferris's meticulous pen-strokes.

Seven years ago, Book One of My Favorite Thing Is Monsters absolutely floored me, and I early anticipated Book Two, which was meant to conclude the story, picking up from Book One's cliff-hanger ending. Originally, that second volume was scheduled for just a few months after Book One's publication (the original manuscript for Book One ran to 700 pages, and the book had been chopped down for publication, with the intention of concluding the story in another volume).

But the book was mysteriously delayed, and then delayed again. Months stretched into years. Stranger rumors swirled about the second volume's status, compounded by the bizarre misfortunes that had befallen book one. Last winter, Bleeding Cool's Rich Johnston published an article detailing a messy lawsuit between Ferris and her publishers, Fantagraphics:

https://bleedingcool.com/comics/fantagraphics-sued-emil-ferris-over-my-favorite-thing-is-monsters/

The filings in that case go some ways toward resolve the mystery of Book Two's delay, though the contradictory claims from Ferris and her publisher are harder to sort through than the mysteries at the heart of Monsters. The one sure thing is that writer and publisher eventually settled, paving the way for the publication of the very long-awaited Book Two:

https://www.fantagraphics.com/products/my-favorite-thing-is-monsters-book-two

Book Two picks up from Book One's cliffhanger and then rockets forward. Everything brilliant about One is even better in Two – the illustrations more lush, the fine art analysis more pointed and brilliant, the storytelling more assured and propulsive, the shocks and violence more outrageous, the characters more lovable, complex and grotesque.

Everything about Two is more. The background radiation of the Vietnam War in One takes center stage with Deeze's machinations to beat the draft, and Deeze and Karen being ensnared in the Chicago Police Riots of '68. The allegories, analysis and reproductions of classical art get more pointed, grotesque and lavish. Annika's Nazi concentration camp horrors are more explicit and more explicitly connected to Karen's life. The queerness of the story takes center stage, both through Karen's first love and the introduction of a queer nightclub. The characters are more vivid, as is the racial injustice and the corruption of the adult world.

I've been staring at the spine of My Favorite Thing Is Monsters Book One on my bookshelf for seven years. Partly, that's because the book is such a gorgeous thing, truly one of the great publishing packages of the century. But mostly, it's because I couldn't let go of Ferris's story, her characters, and her stupendous art.

After seven years, it would have been hard for Book Two to live up to all that anticipation, but goddammit if Ferris didn't manage to meet and exceed everything I could have hoped for in a conclusion.

There's a lot of people on my Christmas list who'll be getting both volumes of Monsters this year – and that number will only go up if Fantagraphics does some kind of slipcased two-volume set.

In the meantime, we've got more Ferris to look forward to. Last April, she announced that she had sold a prequel to Monsters and a new standalone two-volume noir murder series to Pantheon Books:

https://twitter.com/likaluca/status/1648364225855733769

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/01/the-druid/#oh-my-papa

[whilereadingandwalking]

More than 5 years after my partner first gave me My Favorite Thing is Monsters as a Christmas gift, Volume 2 is finally here: the conclusion of Emil Ferris's epic coming-of-age story featuring young werewolf Karen Reyes. Her quest to solve the mystery of her neighbor's death continues. She discovers more family secrets, gets closer to her new friends, and wrestles with her sexuality and adoration of women. (Some spoilers ahead for Volume 1—if you haven't read it, you absolutely have to!)

The art is as impossibly gorgeous as ever, inked on composition paper, lines peeking through the frenzied storytelling, like a packed notebook you discover on the L, textured and smelling strongly of ink. Karen copies paintings from the Art Institute into the pages. The green lions of the museum come to life, her stuffed animal companion comments snarkily on her choices. She copes with her grief over her mother's death, is able to finally get her brother to tell her the full truth about his past, finishes the tapes chronicling Anka's story of surviving the Holocaust, and discovers much more about her queerness with the help of friends new and old.

This raw, beautiful book captures the urgency of Karen's teenage years, from her own self-discovery to the intense, dangerous dramas happening around her. The ending is a little abrupt, but perhaps it just felt that way because of how long I've been anticipating this story, and how much it sucked to see it end! Karen Reyes is an all-time character, and Ferris an all-time storyteller.

Content warnings for anti-Semitism, grief, domestic abuse, trafficking/implied sexual assault, racism, homophobia.

[magicalqueennightmare]

Sins & Amends Chapter 51

Billy Russo x Female Reader (60 part story)

This follows pre- the punisher into the storyline of daredevil, punisher season 1 and beyond

This is NOT Canon Billy. This is decent human being Billy left with bad options over worse decisions

This was also posted to A03 under: WaywardGaPeach. That account and this one is the only place you'll see me post this. If you see it on any other platform/account know it's not me.

Chapter Summary/Warnings: You and Billy are working your way back to each other

It seemed that the tension between Frank and Billy needed you in the middle for it to finally break. After the blow up at your apartment resulting in you in tears and the two of them finally laying their cards on the table everything started to run more smoothly in your life. 

There was an understanding between them now. You knew Frank couldn't forgive Billy for the past anymore than Billy could ever forgive himself but when you would see the two of them together doing something as simple as drinking a beer you had hope for the thought of having them both in your future.

-----------------

There were still times that doubt reared it's ugly head into your mind. You'd had to push back going car shop because you'd had to cover someone's shift at work then Frank and Billy had both been working so much they hadn't had a full day off.

Karen had offered to go with you but the honest truth like it or not if car dealers see two women they try their best to fuck them over. Wasn't like you hadn't went long without a car anyways. A little longer wouldn't hurt.

You'd taken the advantage of a rare weekend off to spend a saturday with Adi. The two of you had met Karen at the aquarium which was a must for Adi then ended up going to see a movie of her picking while Karen went to run some errands.

------------

When you put her to bed that night she'd yawned sleepily and asked "Mommy can we see daddy tomorrow?" You thought about it for a second. He should be off since the following day was Sunday.Hell Karen had taken them all lunch while you and Adi were at the movies which had resulted in you getting a text from Frank that read "Well Bill didn't get to see you and little bit so now he'll pout the rest of the damn day" 

Not to mention Adi hadn't seen Billy in a couple days, not due to any fault of his but because his schedule had been insane and so had yours and Karen's so neither of you had gotten a chance to take her by the Homeland office. "I'll call daddy to tell him you want to see him tomorrow ok baby?" She nodded and grabbed Coco "Love you mommy" "Love you too baby"

------------------

You pulled Adi's door shut and walked into the living room to put away the few toys she'd left out. Your phone was laying on the table so you grabbed it to see you had a text from Billy "If you and Adi aren't busy tomorrow morning I'd love to take the two most beautiful women in New York out for breakfast"

You rolled your eyes even though your stomach flipped slightly before hitting his number to call him back. After two rings he answered "Didn't expect a call but I'm not complaining" you smiled then said "You actually have good timing. Adi told me when I was putting her to bed she wanted to see you tomorrow"

You could hear the smirk in his voice when he said "See me and my babygirl were already on the same page. What about you? Do you want to see me considering Karen is the one that bought lunch" you shook your head because you knew what he was asking even reading between the lines it was clear "I wasn't avoiding you Billy. There's a new Disney movie out and what can I say our daughter loves giving my paychecks to the rat"

He let out a breath that sounded like he was relieved before saying "Well you could've come by before the movies. I would've gave you the money" "Billy you give me more than enough already not to mention what's still in the bank" since finding out about Adi he'd started buying anything she needed and giving you money every time he got paid despite your protests that you could handle your bills on your own.

A silence fell back between the two of you heavy enough you could feel it over the phone. Hard to believe this was the same man you'd spent so much of your adult life with, the father of your child yet now the two of you had trouble talking at times. Hell it had gotten where it seemed talking between him and Frank had become easier than it seemed between you and him.

It was hard being close to Billy and yet having to force yourself to keep enough distance between you and him. You knew he wanted to take things slow to make sure everything was how they needed to be but God a big part of you wanted to tell him the way things needed to be was him there with you and Adi. Not blocks away in that little one bedroom apartment. 

It didn't help matters that he'd told you he loved you every time you talked since the night he stayed with you.It snapped you out of your own thoughts when he said "I'm just glad that taking Adi to the movies is why you didn't come. I was worried it still might be that other thing"

The other thing being how Frank had busted you out over being jealous towards Dinah. You honestly hadn't thought too much about it. After everything that had happened the night he'd stayed at your place and the morning after a part of you that you hadn't even realized was in chaos had calmed.

"Billy I know you meant everything you said. And yes I want to see you" you finally said after a moment and he chuckled "Good.. I'll be over bright and early" "We'll be waiting" you replied with a smile and started to hang up when he said "Goodnight sweetheart. I love you" like every other time he said it you simply said "Night Billy" and hung up. 

You couldn't say you loved him. He knew you did but god it would only make it hurt worse having to go to sleep without him there. You sighed and stood to head to bed. At least you could get some sleep and maybe come morning you could face him easier.

Billy stared at the phone after he'd hung up. He hated being away from you and Adi. He hated when work drug on, that meant another day he'd go without laying eyes on the two most important people in his life. He hated that he heard you hesitate every time he'd tell you he loved you like you started to say it back but changed your mind.

He clicked his photo album on his phone and scrolled through the pictures of you and Adi. 

One of his favorites was one of Adi where her smile was a mirror of his and she was wearing his leather jacket. The smile might have been his but god that look on her face was all you. She'd been mid saying "Look mommy!" When he'd snapped the photo.

One of his other favorites was one Karen had sent him actually. You were sitting on the couch at your place with Adi curled up next to you. He didn't know what the two of you were doing but you both looked so happy it warmed his heart just seeing it. God he loved the two of you more than life itself. 

He could remember flashes of himself making bad decisions, remember himself doing shit he was ashamed of. Looking at you,the only woman he'd ever loved and his babygirl he couldn't wrap his head around how he'd ever done those things. How he'd put you and Frank's family, everyone at risk. He didn't know how he'd gotten this second chance, not only with you either.

The memory of the way Frank had teased him about quality over quantity when the two of you had first shifted your relationship into more than friends popped into his head and he laughed despite himself. "Man Bill you finally got a good one don't fuck it up" "I don't plan to Frankie. Believe me. I know she's a keeper"

He wanted to be laying on your bed while you curled up on his chest and Adi slept one room over not blocks away from the two of you but for now he'd have to be grateful for the fact that he'd be seeing you both come morning. Life could be a lot worse.

When you woke up the sun was just creeping through the small crack in your curtain and you started to pull the blanket up and roll over but you remembered that Billy was coming over to take you and Adi for breakfast.

You knew Billy's bright and early had always meant just that so since Adi still had about another hour of sleep in her you figured you could get a shower and pick her some clothes out before he got there.

Once you were dressed in leggings and a sweater dress you simply put enough product in your hair you could wear it down without it blowing away and did simple makeup. You looked cute but not like you were desperate for attention or anything.

--------------

You walked into Adi's room to pick her some clothes out for the day and grinned when you saw she was waking up "Hey pumpkin. I got a surprise for you!"  That made her wakeup fully and she was watching you go through her drawers to find clothes "What?" 

You found her favorite cooler weather outfit which consisted of black leggings and a dark pink long sleeve shirt that had two black birds on it that you'd initially bought without thinking until Frank had reminded you of his and Billy's call signs and it seemed that revelation made Adi love the shirt ever more "Cause it's got daddy and uncle Frank on it"

You turned back to her, clothes in hand and heard a knock on the door. "Wanna go see who that is?" You held out your arms as you asked and she jumped into them.

You laid her clothes down on her bed then walked back into the living room "We're coming!" You called out so not only Adi knew whoever was at the door was expecting her but so Billy knew you were both awake.

----------------

When you opened the door Billy was standing there with a huge smile. "Daddy!" Adi screamed and both you and Billy had to lurch towards each other so she could make the leap into his arms. 

He walked in with her wrapped securely around him and winked at you "Too bad you're not this happy to see me Y/N" you shook your head and smiled before Adi started asking him if he could spend some time with her. "Actually baby I was wondering if you and mommy could come to breakfast with me and I know you went to the aquarium yesterday but I'm sure if you don't want to go back today we can find something fun because I plan to spend all day with you and mommy"

She smiled back at you "Can we?" You nodded "Sounds good baby. We can show daddy all our favorites spots but first we gotta get you dressed" she kissed Billy on the cheek then held her hands out for you to get her.

You got her on your hip then motioned to the living room "Make yourself at home. We'll be out in a few"

-------------

Billy watched as you grabbed everything Adi would need for the day and put it in the little black backpack he knew was for her. You were biting your bottom lip while you did a final mental check list to make sure you hadn't missed anything.

You turned back to look at him where he was sitting with Adi on the couch and smiled. He felt his heart clench at the sight. You looked genuinely happy, like having him and Adi was everything you wanted. He knew the feeling because being with you both made him feel whole like he never had before.

His attention was pulled back to Adi when she asked "Daddy can we go to the aquarium and the zoo?" With those big brown eyes staring up at him it was hard to say anything else then yes but he managed to say "As long as mommy's ok with it I'd love to baby"

You chuckled as you walked over with Adi's jacket in your hands "Aquarium and zoo sounds good to me but first get your jacket on then we need to get some breakfast in you little miss" 

You helped Adi slip her jacket on then she looked up at him "Pick me up daddy!" He gladly leaned down and plucked her up off the floor then looked back at you "Ready to go darling?" He noticed a light blush color your cheeks as you said "lead the way" and motioned to the door.

---------------

Breakfast went extremely well. In fact nearly everyone in the diner had commented on how cute of a family you had. Kaitlyn had even insisted on getting a photo of the three of you which you sent to Billy's phone so he'd have a copy. 

Once Adi was through with her pancakes you cut your eyes at Billy and smiled "So daddy zoo first or do you want Adi to introduce you to simba and nala first?" 

That patent Russo smirk had slipped onto his face when he glanced down at her "Baby who's simba and nala?" "The sharks!" She replied with a mirror image of his own look. 

He glanced up at you and you shrugged "She loves the sharks and her favorite stuffed animal is a wolf. She's our child after all" your eyes were glued to the two of them. Spending time with them like this? God it felt like the most natural thing on earth. You'd dreamed about this when you were pregnant with Adi but never would've imagined it becoming reality.

"Sharks it is" he said after a moment and Adi climbed up to stand next to him in the booth as she started telling him all about the aquarium while he listened dutifully only taking his attention off her long enough to pay the bill when Kaitlyn bought it to the table.

--------------------

After spending hours at the aquarium while Adi properly acquainted Billy with all of her favorite animals the three of you headed to the zoo like she'd asked. You were walking to the penguin exhibit when Adi tugged on your arm "Mommy will you or daddy carry me?"

Billy winked at you then held his arms out "C'mere babygirl. Daddy will carry you" once she was secure against his chest he barely made it ten feet before her head was over on his shoulder and she was fast asleep.

"Yeah I was expecting that" you said as you reached over to pull her hood up on her head. "Well wanna take her home? We can order pizza or I can cook us some dinner and when she wakes up we can watch a movie with her?" You offered hoping he would want to stay while she napped and weren't disappointed when he nodded "Sounds good to me"

-----------------

After Billy laid Adi down on her bed you pulled the door almost closed then turned to face him with a smile "She'll sleep for about forty five minutes or so" 

His dark eyes watched you closely as he said "Well how should we pass the time then?" You blushed thinking of how many times he'd asked you that in the past then cleared your throat hoping he hadn't seen the initial reaction "Well um we could just talk? Like you've been busy the last week so let's catch up"

His smile was deep enough to reach his eyes when he said "That sounds good to me"

---------------------- 

"Alice looks at me. I look at her and we're both like hell no this isn't even anywhere near our job description" Billy's head fell back with a laugh while you told him about a few of the worst calls you'd went to over the time he wasn't there.

"I've always been so proud of you. Even when me and Frank would be deployed I'd tell everyone my girl was working to save the people of New York" you ducked your head at his words because you could feel just how warm your face was "I've done my best to help who I can. Hell I've put Frank back together more times than I can count"

He ran one finger down the side of your face then hooked it under your chin to tilt your face up to him "You have a habit of always pulling people back from the brink. Even at times that they're too stupid to realize it" his eyes flickered down to your lips then back up again to meet your gaze. You smiled slightly before saying "You know you can kiss me if you want Billy"

"Thank god" he mumbled before quickly leaning in to catch your lips with his own. You laughed lightly against his lips "Billy Russo thanking god. I must be special" he laughed "You're talking I must be losing my touch"

When he slid his tongue into your mouth it took every ounce of control not to deepen the kiss further. Thankfully things went any further you heard Adi holler "Mommy! Daddy!" And both of you froze. Billy dropped his head down and chuckled against your neck "Go ahead sweetheart. I'll be right behind you" you left another quick kiss on his lips before standing up to head to her room.

-------------------

The rest of the evening both yours and Billy's attention was solely on Adi. After she'd woke up from her nap she wanted daddy to play tea party with her and seeing Billy sitting on the floor with a pink tiara on his head while he sipped pretend tea from a cup was a defining moment in your life.

Cooking dinner while Billy helped and played with Adi felt like something out of a dream. After dinner while you bathed Adi Billy had cleaned the kitchen, put Adi's toys away and even had a Disney movie waiting for her.

-----------------

You somehow ended up falling asleep yourself with Adi tucked close enough between you and Billy that both her head and your head was leaned against his left side. Her head was over on his stomach while yours was against his shoulder.

You woke up when the credit music started playing and blinked sleepily up at him. "Sorry we knocked out on you" you whispered and he shook his head "Don't apologize. I had you both cuddled up to me. Why would I complain about that?" You smiled then cut your eyes down at Adi "Awe she looks so comfy I don't want to move her!" 

You slowly slid off the couch then turned to pick her up, being careful not to grab a handful of Billy's shirt by accident. "I'll be right back" you whispered and he nodded "I'll be waiting"

-------------

Billy watched you walk into Adi's room swaying gently back and forth with her on your shoulder. He would've offered to carry her but if he was being honest his left arm was dead from you and her both being asleep on it. Hell the two of you could ask him to cut off that arm and he'd be caught trying it.

He shook it a few times to get the feeling back while he thought over the day. Things had been slowly getting better between the two of you but today showed him just what he'd been missing. He got to spend an entire day with his girls and now had to leave? It didn't seem right.

He was saved from his mind trying to go into overdrive on him by you stepping back out of Adi's room with a small smile. "So I guess you gotta leave?" You seemed almost sad when you asked so he shrugged "I'd ask for the couch but I don't have any clothes here"

"Oh I understand" you said with what he knew was a forced smile. "Can I come by tomorrow?" You rubbed the back of your neck before saying "Um Adi will be at Karen and Frank's. I've got a sixteen hour shift. Six to ten" 

He wanted to offer to come stay at your place with Adi..hell he was her father and had yet to have her overnight. He could understand. The apartment Homeland set him up in wasn't exactly the place he'd want to take her in and out of.

"Well in that case I'll bring you lunch,get dinner with them then I'll come back to the station house and walk you home" when the words left his mouth a smile spread across your face "I'd love that" he realized how late it was getting mixed with how early you had to be to work and tilted his head towards the door "Walk me to the door?" You rolled your eyes but the grin that followed the action told him you liked that he'd asked "Of course"

You waited while Billy grabbed his jacket then he stopped in front of you for a moment. You knew him well enough to know when he wanted to ask something so you said "Go ahead Billy whatever it is"

He looked back towards the couch then cleared his throat "The way you kissed me earlier. It felt amazing but why do you say you want us to be something again and kiss me like that again only to never say you love me out loud?" 

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath to keep your voice steady before saying "This is why. I have spent all day with you and Adi. It felt like a fucking dream it was so close to being what I want but now's the part where I have to wake up because you're going to your place and I'm gonna go in there and sleep alone. It hurts being so close to you yet there still being so much room between us. Billy you know how i feel without me breaking my own heart every time I say the words only for you to go home and it not be here"

He nodded those dark eyes never leaving yours before he said "Can I kiss you before I leave?" "Of course" you replied and stepped closer to him. 

The kiss was as if he was trying to pour everything he felt for you into it. You ran your hands up his back feeling the way the muscles moved under his jacket as he deepened the kiss flicking his tongue across your lips for access which you willingly gave.

A low moan fell from your lips when he licked into your mouth at the same time his hands came down to rest on the small of your back holding you flush against him. When both of you finally pulled away your chests were heaving with the force of the kiss.

He leaned down just enough to be eye to eye with you then said "Y/N I love you. You're the only woman I've ever loved. You're the mother of my child. We will be back together hell it's inevitable like Frankie said. Me and you? We were made for each other cause who else could handle us? I don't care if you never say the words to me again because I know you do and sooner or later I won't have to leave but I hope you know my home? It's you and our daughter. No apartment. just the two of you"

You smiled at his words and left another quick kiss on his lips "I'll tell Karen you're coming over for dinner and I'll be looking for you when I get off" he smiled and said "And I'll be right outside the door waiting for you then the very next day you have off me and Frank are taking our lunch hour to go find you a good car if need be" 

Right as Billy walked into the hall he turned around and grinned before saying "Oh yeah Y/N by the way?" 

"What Billy?" You asked with a laugh tugging at your lips before he ever said the next words "I love you beautiful" "Night Billy" "Good Night love. Call if you have any bad dreams" was the last thing he said before stepping onto the elevator.

@intothesoul

@weallhaveadestiny

[bewitchingbooktours]

Her Name Was Lola by Karen Janowsky

Her Name Was Lola

Karen Janowsky

Genre: Contemporary Romance

Publisher: eXtasy Books

Date of Publication: 12/22/23

ISBN:  978-1-4874-4027-5

Number of pages: 300 

Word Count: 8,859

Cover Artist: Martine Jardin

Tagline: Sometimes you have to lose your heart to gain your dream.

Book Description:

Lover of fairy tales Lola Nelsson learned at an early age that darker truths lay behind their bright facades. At twenty-two, she still hopes for her fairy tale to come true before she graduates college. But she hasn’t met her prince yet and she doesn’t know how to navigate the real world. Then a handsome man at a conference catches her eye. She’s sure he’s out of her league, but tries to get his attention anyway. And she’s successful… until she isn’t.

Only one thing matters to Professor Vance Anderson—gaining tenure. Known as Dr. Casanova on campus, he’s a true love ‘em and leave ’em kind of guy. For now though, he’s sworn off the distraction of women. When he spots a beauty of a different sort at a conference, he can’t stop thinking about her.  But when she accepts his invitation to his room, his insecurities kick in. Everything goes well… until it doesn’t.

The night ends disastrously, and it’s all over. Until Lola and Vance wind up in a working relationship, making it impossible to avoid one another. The situation can only end in one of two ways. They’ll either end up madly in love or they’ll want to kill each other. Before they can discover their real feelings, they need to learn to trust themselves. Only time will tell if their fairy tale is sweet or dark.

Amazon      Google Books     Bookbub     Goodreads   

Excerpt:

From behind Lola, a pleasant, male alto voice said, “Hi, I’m Vance.”

She turned around and found her five-foot-four self face-to-solid-chest with GQ. Taking a step backward and sure she’d turned pale, she looked up at him. The peeling name badge on his lapel said, M. Vance, but his last name was hidden by a shadow. “Oh, hi. I’m Lola.”

Vance held a shot glass in each hand. He was smiling, lips pulled back a little too much, as if he was unsure of himself. “Your friend told me I was being very obvious about staring at you and to go introduce myself. She said to give you this.” He handed her a whiskey.

His eyes were the color of freshly mown grass with silver flecks of dew at sunrise. When they locked on hers, her hands began to sweat, making the glass slip through her palm when she took it from him.

She grabbed it with the other hand at the last second. “Oh. Okay.”

He clinked his glass against hers, downed the shot, then smiled at her again. His upper lip had a minutely askew cherub’s bow.

Knocking hers back as well, Lola did her best not to react to the five-alarm fire scorching through her esophagus. She was reasonably sure smoke was about to billow from her nose and ears. Then that warm, melty feeling crept in.

Okay, Naomi. Here goes. “To be honest, I was watching you too.”

“Were you now?” He arched his eyebrows.

Silently thanking Naomi, Lola asked, “So, are you a visiting speaker?”

“I’m attending. I teach at Jewett College. You?”

“I’m at Jewett also. Library science department.” Hopefully he wouldn’t ask what she did there.

She’d tell him the rest later…if they hit it off.

His fingers lingered over hers as he took the drink glass from her hand. “Another?”

One was her usual limit, and balancing on heels after two was inadvisable. “Yes, please.” She let him guide her through the crowd surrounding the bar.

He offered her an empty barstool and stood next to it as he waved at the bartender. “How long have you been at the college? I don’t recognize you.” He lowered his eyes and raised them to her again, offering an uncertain smile as he smoothed his hand over his thigh.

Looking down, she noticed her topped-off glass. “I’m going into my fourth year.” Lola swirled her fresh drink and watched the amber liquid make slow, wavy circles. She saw a chip in her pale pink nail polish and fought the urge to tuck it into her palm. “What about you? Where do you work?”

“In the English Department.”

GQ—or probably Dr. GQ—Vance—shivered a little when he slid his hand toward hers until their fingertips were millimeters apart. A tiny static spark jumped between them and they both chuckled.

Lola drank half of the shot. “What do you teach?”

“Comparative and European literature. My specialty is fairy tales.”

“I’ve been obsessed with fairy tales—the real ones, not the kids’ ones—for as long as I can remember.”

Vance leaned against the bar. “Same.”

A new song began, and they listened as he played with his tie for a few moments. “After watching you in action, I’m not sure I can keep up, but feel like a dance?”

Lola blinked then nodded. The rest of the room bobbed slightly with her head. She slid off the stool, and he rested his hand on the small of her back as they wound through the crowd. Heat radiated through the thin fabric of her dress.

He took her hand in his. They were about five paces from the dance floor when a man caught her shoulder, causing her and Vance to stumble backward.

“You’re not gonna pass by without a hello, are you?” The tall, thin man had brown roots and blond tips. His hand was sweaty and his words slurred.

Vance looked at her. “Do you know him?”

Sobering, she shook her head, grateful that the world didn’t move with it.

The man sidled closer and squeezed her shoulder more tightly.

Letting go of her hand, Vance took a step toward him.

Lola tugged her shoulder away and pulled a hair stick from her updo. Stepping closer, she waved the tapered end at the stranger.

He gasped and stepped backward, letting go of her shoulder.

“Leave me alone.” She kept her voice as quiet and stern as she could.

The man muttered, “Slut,” as he retreated.

Lola replaced the stick through what was left of her updo.

Vance licked along his teeth. “You’re already full of surprises.”

The night’s cool dampness draped around the crowded dance floor, covering them like an airy shawl as they found their way to an open space.

“Remind me never, ever to upset you.” He spread his fingers over her mid-back and held her hand to his chest. His heart beat against her palm as he held it there, his hand cool and dry.

They looked at each other and smiled.  He said “ever.” As in future tense. As in "long term." I should probably let him know I’m a student now. That could wait a few minutes more.

She inhaled a mix of tangerines, leather, and something else—ginger, maybe—that she could almost taste as his scent hovered between them. She moved closer, and their hips touched.

There was an unmistakable twitch against her. She was sure it was a trick of the lights that made him appear to blush.

This might happen.

He took a half-step back, face pink against the white lights that  outlined him. She imagined using her finger as a silver gel pen around his jaw, under his cheekbones, and across his forehead, illuminating his face. He brought his hand farther down her back.

She raised her voice over the music. “So, what’s your favorite fairy tale?”

He lowered his head closer to hers. Their mouths were centimeters from each other. “What?”

She asked again.

He said something.

She tilted her head up. “Didn’t catch that.”

Chuckling, he leaned in until his mouth was close to her ear. Cupping it, he repeated,

“It’s hard to talk here. Do you want to go somewhere quieter?” The whiskey on his breath had mellowed to spiced caramel, and his voice melted through her.

The imaginary talking mice scampering under her skin morphed into butterflies. “Okay.”

Holding her hand, Vance led her into the lobby. Her heart thumped like a scared rabbit’s as he threaded his fingers between hers. She glanced toward the quieter, emptier bar, but he kept going straight toward the elevator bank.

“Grimm, Andersen, or Perrault?” Vance winked.

Lola bit her lip and released it. “Why do you ask?”

Vance seemed to stare at her mouth. Narrowing his eyes, he stopped and gave her a closed-mouthed smile. “Good to know whether you’re into physical pain, mental torture, or happy endings.”

“What?” Lola froze as her jaw dropped.

Vance tilted his head back and laughed. “I’m kidding.” He headed toward the elevators again, but Lola couldn’t move. He stumbled back. “I’m harmless. I promise.”

She glanced around the vast lobby, checking for security officers.

“I didn’t mean to upset or scare you.” Leaning in, he lifted the back of her hand to his lips, then smiled that same smile that had dissolved her into a puddle the first time she’d laid eyes on him.

“All right.”

He led her into an empty elevator.

This is happening.

Inside, he let go of her hand and took a step back. “Is it okay to go up to my room? I should’ve asked first.” He gave that earlier, uncertain smile, revealing a tiny dimple in his right cheek and lighter green bands surrounding his irises.

“That sounds perfect, Vance.” Lola’s mouth and throat went dry as he hit the button for the eleventh floor. For the first time in her life, she was going to say, “Yes.”  

About the Author:

Karen wanted to be an author and/or Wonder Woman when she grew up. One of those jobs was already taken, though. She lives with her husband, son, and six cats in Maryland, where she works as an English professor. Karen received her MA in literature and creative writing from Florida State University. When she isn't writing, she can often be found sitting at a friend's dining room table drinking wine and playing RPGs, hanging out at the local Indian restaurant with her bestie, or curled up in bed with a few cats, listening to the rain and either reading a book or watching a BBC mystery.

Website and blog: https://karenjanowsky.com

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[elen-tari2]

I am kind of newly joining the more active online Kastle fandom, but I have been shipping them since DD S2 aired in 2016. I was willing to believe they just had a professional respect for each other through Frank’s trial, but when he threw her to the ground at her apartment, I almost fell out of my chair.

There’s something so beautiful in how it’s filmed, how it goes from her about to shoot him to him saving her life in a matter of seconds. The camera tilts, the lighting is a little bit yellowed, his hands are in her hair, she’s gasping and clinging to his arm, he’s covering her body with his and her long legs (in heels!) are writhing a little on the floor—it’s just extremely sensual. He’s protecting her, shielding her life with his, no questions asked.

This is happening on a day when Karen already survived a major shoot out at the DA’s office. In that scene, Matt protects her. Matt, who called himself her boyfriend up until the end of the trial. Matt, who she thought she was falling in love with, but knew he was lying and keeping secrets from her. Matt did it to save her, to protect her as well, but he never trusted her. That is why their relationship ultimately failed, and watching it play out over the course of the season, while Karen and Frank just keep deepening their connection to each other in their search for the truth—it felt like with how Matt was treating her the whole time (and having an emotional affair with Elektra on top of it all), it was just clear that Karen deserved better and she and Frank understood each other in a way no one else could.

The diner scene just kind of sealed the deal. Frank the mass murderer rhapsodizing about love? Karen letting the mask slip a little that she’s seen some shit and done some shit too? Hell yeah, sign me up for this level of chemistry!

The Punisher s1 was basically like a really good fanfic playing out on screen! He brought her flowers? They talk about loneliness? He takes a bullet for her and says “I will come for you” as she’s dragged away by a terrorist? The elevator scene???? I could cry.

And finally, they are just the ultimate Hurt/Comfort pairing, which is basically my favorite trope. The reason I obsess over this ship is because Karen has endured so much grief and so much trauma, and she deserves someone she can share it with and she deserves to be loved. She could never have told Matt about killing Wesley without him judging her against his Catholic ideals. With Frank, there’d be no judgement, just acceptance and understanding. The same with what happened to Kevin. It drives me WILD that Frank has no idea about Karen’s past and how she lost her family too. Karen is grieving and walking around punishing herself, just like him. And he has never really stopped to wonder about or ask her why she has always helped him, why she was never afraid of him??

Anyway, give me all the fics where Frank finds out about Karen’s past and gets to hold her while she cries, or him getting in a confrontation with Paxton Page for abandoning his daughter. And give me BAMF Karen Page, where she gets to save Frank’s ass from danger or defeat Bullseye/Fisk herself—instead of being the hostage or the victim. I love them working together to fight crime and heal each other’s pain. I want them to hold each other all night long and *not* have sex—just let it be *profound*. I want them confessing their love for each other and then having incredible, romantic and passionate sex… because God, this show has been brutal about keeping Karen Page chaste. Even Frank got to hook up with Beth and Karen wouldn’t even go on a date with Ellison’s nephew. Sorry, this is getting tangential into another personal rant of mine about the show, but basically it comes down to this—Karen Page deserves to get laid and it deserves to be with someone who loves her, who knows what she’s been through, and understands. And that person is Frank. Just like she is the only one who saw him as human when he saw himself as a monster, who gave him his family back, who restored his will to live.

Anyway, it has been EIGHT YEARS of shipping Kastle and I really hope they will give us something worthwhile in DDBA. I don’t even need them to kiss… just, like, put some smolder in the slow burn and I’ll be satisfied. And then keep the fics coming because I trust fic writers way more than the mcu writers at this point!

(Sorry for this rant. I don’t really know how tumblr works, but the Kastle brainrot is real).

What was it that drew you to kastle? Did you watch all of Daredevil and see it unfolding in real time and fall in love or were you exposed via twitter/tumblr?

[bmacreadz]

"Daisy Jones and The Six" by Taylor Jenkins Reid

"Daisy Jones and The Six" is one of the most inventive books I think I've ever read. I admit I am a little lost for how to write this review about it.

"Daisy Jones and The Six" is written as an oral history, which took me pleasantly by surprise. Maybe I'm the only one who didn't realize it was going to read the way it did when I first picked it up, but it's what makes the story so unique. I've never read a book like that, but it was such a unique reading experience that I'm glad I didn't know. I probably wouldn't have read it otherwise.

The first half of the book focuses on the separate lifestyles and startups of Daisy Jones and the members of The Six. The second half focuses on who they all were together. They tell their own histories about each of these moments, which leaves a lot up for interpretation by the reader. We start to get a clearer view of what might have been actually going on by the end, but there's still so much left unsaid and we really don't get those questions answered. The personalities of each character really jumps off the page, though, because of this. We're getting a firsthand account of their own experiences and it's easy to understand who they might have been and what role they played in their group. It was honestly fascinating.

Was this a love story? I would say yes, I think. Just not a conventional one by any means.

CAUTION: POTENTIAL SPOILERS

This book was about Daisy Jones and Billy Dunne, but it was also very much about Camila Dunne. Though she wasn't in every scene or every bit of the story, she was the center of it all. At least in my opinion. She was the reason behind the songs (even the ones Daisy wrote and you know why), Billy's inner struggle, and Daisy's ultimate undoing and salvation. Camila was the reason for everything. It was so unique in that way. It wasn't a conventional love story, but it was definitely a love story. It was about Billy and Camila's family, and Daisy's love for herself. It was about Karen and Graham, Warren, Pete, and Eddie - even Rod and Teddy. It was about all of them loving this moment of their lives that they were in together. It wasn't normal, but it wasn't weird. It was beautiful in its own way, enjoyable, and inexplicable.

Would I read it again? I don't know, honestly. But I'm glad I did read it. Now, I'm anxious to see what Prime Video has done with the show. I'm a little hesitant because so much in the book was left up for interpretation. So much was left for the reader to decide what did and did not actually happen, especially at the end. I've seen the previews and it seems as though the show did a lot of filling in those blanks, which I don't think was supposed to be the point.

"Art doesn't owe anything to anyone."

"The truth often lies, unclaimed, in the middle."

[skullsandwhiteroses]

I'm watching CW's Beauty and the Beast because hey, it's on Netflix, and I swear it's like a Kastle AU that writes itself:

Vincent is the Beast, an ex-special forces soldier who didn't ask enough questions when he signed up for a secret experiment. They killed the rest of the members to cover up what they did, but Vincent eluded them and is in hiding now, for the sake of his own life and everyone who they could use to get to him

He's legally dead. Everyone from his old life thinks he's dead.

...except for his one nerdy friend who supports him and tries to help him (they share an abandoned building together and yes, he has some hacking skills)

...and Catherine, the Beauty, a detective who believes in justice above all else, even if it means breaking some rules

Vincent saved Catherine twice, and now she's in love with him even though he's a violent vigilante who can't anyways control himself

But they can't be together because he's legally dead and in hiding and anyone close to him is also in danger and he wants her to have a real life

...but also because Catherine can't let herself have nice things like men who treat her well and can actually love her back

That doesn't stop her from helping him stay safe and convincing him he's not a monster every chance she gets

There are other things that happen even in the first season that don't fit that well, because it is its own show and not actually a Kastle AU (it came out three years before Frank appeared on Daredevil, let alone Punisher) but man, does that setup fit.

It got me thinking though: one of my favorite things about fanfic is seeing what elements of the characters authors keep in their stories, sort of as an indication of what they think is essential to the characters or the relationship. Vincent struggles with how he turns into a beast when his adrenaline spikes (because of the experiment) and loses control in beast mode, often killing people without intending to be a murderer. And he angsts over killing people, even though they're always about to commit a crime when he gets them. If this were a real Kastle AU, would it stretch things too far to put Frank in his shoes? I've always thought the fact that he was always in control was one of the essential things that made him Frank. Does it put him in a different light if he kills by accident, rather than by intention? Is it too much of a stretch to make him remorseful over his deadliness?

[itsnotpatsy]

casual hellcat insta 1/?

a surprise video taken by the amazing spider-man.

a photo taken of an anonymously breathtaking brunette.

a warm home somewhere in queens.

gotta love those new york city penthouses-- a nice place for a cat to lounge.

a sketch drawn of central park in the company of a brave civilian.

an action shot taken by a talented photographer.

[courtforshort15]

Green is the Color

Pairing: Matt Murdock x FemReader

Word Count: 7,200

Summary: Karen Page looks flawless next to Matt in a way that you don’t. Insecurities and jealousies were bound to pop up at some point.

Trigger warnings: None. Just some angst with a happy ending.

Masterlist

You're jealous of Karen.

Beautiful, smart, sweet Karen who has never been anything but kind to you. Leggy, slender, blonde Karen who catches eyes effortlessly wherever she goes. Determined, self-sacrificing, truth-seeking Karen who seems genuinely interested in what you have to say, who seems honestly happy to see you whenever you join them out as a group.

And though you're the one who sleeps in Matt's bed more often than not, though you're the one he whispers soft, sweet things to while he holds your hand as you walk home, though you're the one he calls when he's hurt or happy or needing you with him, you can't help but be jealous of her.

They look flawless together. She's light where he is dark. She is petite in everything but height, and he is made of muscle and broad shoulders. She is sweet and open where he is charming and dangerous when you truly look at him. 

They are beautiful, standing together laughing loudly, and you are not the only one who notices.

"God, some people have all the luck, don't they?" A woman next to you at the bar says to her friend. It’s your turn to buy the drinks for the group, and you're waiting patiently as Josie helps another patron. The conversation catches your ear, and you're not exactly surprised when you notice they're talking about Matt and Karen. It's not the first time you've heard something of this sort.

"They'd have such beautiful babies," the other woman replies, and the sound of her voice and the words being said pierces into your skin. "They look so good together it almost hurts. I hate them."

The women gather their drinks with shared laughter and walk away, leaving you to yourself while you wait on Josie. Your cheeks burn in something akin to shame and sadness, the realization that you'll never look as good next to him as Karen does. And though Matt has told you time and time again how much he loves you, it's not the first shred of doubt you've felt. 

Hearing someone else echo the things that have lived inside your heart for so long drives a sharp blade into your chest, and you struggle as you work to maintain your breathing, knowing Matt will pick up on the irregularity. You're in a crowded bar and Matt is a few drinks in, so you think you're safe at your current distance away, but the second you join the group, he'll be able to tell that something is off if you don't force yourself to calm down.

With a fake grin that pulls sharply at the corners of your suddenly dry mouth, you thank Josie when she sets your drinks in front of you, and you slowly make your way back over to them where they're playing a game of pool. You set the drinks on the table next to them, and Foggy immediately dives into the beer you've brought over. 

Karen thanks you for her drink with a smile, and Matt squeezes your hand in appreciation before he plays the part of an ordinary blind man and pretends to be awful at the game. It's all in good fun for him, though you all know he could whip everyone's ass, and he gasps in fake shock whenever he sinks a ball intentionally that he pretends is unintentional for the benefit of whatever bystander may be nearby. 

Matt says something that makes Karen laugh, and she places a hand on his shoulder as he smiles. Matt is your boyfriend, the man you'd gladly spend the rest of your life with, but you suddenly feel like an intruder in your own relationship. 

With a grimace you hope no one notices, you toss your drink back, setting the glass loudly back on to the table. 

"I think I'm going to call it a night," you tell the group, already turning to grab your purse. Immediately they all protest, asking you to stay for another game, or at least another round of drinks. You try to make the smile on your face look as warm and friendly as it always is, but you know you fail on some level. But in everyone's inebriated state, they all take it as completely genuine. 

"Alright, sweetheart," Matt says easily, placing his cue stick in the rack, turning to grab his suit jacket from where it's been tossed over one of the chairs. "We can leave. Are you staying with me tonight? Or do you want me to come over to your place?"

"No, it's totally fine," you object instantly, already taking a few steps away in an effort to distance yourself. "You should stay and have fun."

He waves your protest away with a smile. "We’ve been here for a while already. We can head out.”

You let out a laugh that surprisingly doesn’t sound nearly as fake as it feels. “You guys won a big case today. You deserve to stay out and celebrate.”

“She’s right, Matt!” Foggy calls out from the other side of the table before he takes a long sip of his beer. “We deserve all the alcohol that Josie can provide us with tonight. That case was a nightmare.”

Your laugh is a little more genuine this time, eyeing the way Foggy sways when he puts his beer down. Karen isn’t faring much better, if the flush on her cheeks is anything to go by. “Stay, Matt. I’ll be okay getting home.”

The easy smile has left his face, and he makes his way over to you. You stay rooted to the spot, knowing that rejecting his advancements would tip him off to the fact that something is wrong. There's also the factor that you hate denying him any sort of affection he needs to give or take from you, so you stand still and wait for him. When he’s in front of you, he reaches a hand up and pushes a piece of hair behind your ear, rubbing a finger over your cheekbone with the movement.

“Are you alright?” He asks quietly, his voice meant for only your ears. “I can at least walk you home if you want.”

You turn your head to press a light kiss to the inside of his wrist, unable to deny yourself the warmth that his closeness brings you. “I’m just tired, and I think my stomach is a little off.” This close to you, he should be able to tell a lie from the truth, but the words that leave your mouth are honest enough. You’re tired of feeling inadequate, and your stomach is reeling with the thought of other people seeing what you see when you look at Matt and Karen.

The excuse you’ve given him is completely true, he just doesn’t know the reasons behind them.

“Then I should definitely–”

Smiling slightly, you shake your head. “I’ll take a cab home. I want you to stay with your friends and have a good time. You earned it."

Matt sighs and reluctantly agrees to let you leave without him, but not before pulling you in close and placing a gentle kiss on your lips. “I’ll call you later, alright? If you’re still up, I’ll come over when I’m done tonight.”

“That works,” you say with a small shrug. A small smile slides across his face, and he pulls you in one more time to press his mouth to yours, before he takes a step back and turns to face his friends. You send Foggy and Karen a quick wave and another false smile, before making your way to the door.

You don’t miss the way the two women from before not-so subtly eye you up and down with their eyebrows raised, no doubt finding you lacking for a beautiful man such as Matt, especially when compared to the gorgeous woman that is one Karen Page.

Your cheeks burn again, but you push past the women without a word.

When you’re all settled in bed, you curl your knees up to your chest, yanking your heavy blankets over you in an effort to keep yourself in and the rest of the world out. A few tears cloud your vision, but you squeeze your eyes tightly shut to keep them from slipping out. If Matt were to stop by, he’d smell the salt of the tears, and nothing would stop him from getting an answer out of you for why you were upset.

He’d know if you were lying, no longer distracted by his friends and the loud noise of the bar, and you’d be unable to persuade him to let it go. Feelings would tumble from your mouth unchecked, and he’d either be angry or hurt at your accusations. 

…or worse, he’d admit that he feels the way about Karen that the rest of the world has decided he should.

In order to keep that from happening, you turn your phone on do not disturb in an effort to make sure you’re not woken up by his call, hopefully keeping him away for the night if he decides not to disturb your sleep.

You ignore the way your heart twists painfully in your chest.

****************

“That looks awful, Foggy,” you tell him as you step into the office of Nelson, Murdock & Page a month later, eyeing the way his face is peeling from an awful sunburn he’d gotten on a trip to Florida to visit his parents. “Do you need me to go and get some aloe for you?”

Foggy laughs, but immediately winces as the expression on his face pulls at the skin that already looks extremely painful. “I’ve got some in my drawer,” he says, motioning to the bottom part of his desk. “I’ve been told to reapply several times during the day. Thank God I don’t have any clients coming in today. I'll just be here all day working through some case items with Matt.”

“That’s good at least,” you say, walking forward and placing a sandwich on Foggy’s desk before taking a seat in one of their lobby chairs, waiting for Matt to arrive so that you can have lunch with him in his office. You’d picked up sandwiches from his favorite deli, including one for Foggy, knowing Matt won’t have time to go out and meet up with you somewhere today.

“Thanks for bringing this, by the way,” Foggy says with the biggest smile he can offer with the way the skin has tightened on his face. “Though, I’m not quite sure how I’m going to open my mouth wide enough to eat this.”

You send him a sympathetic look. “I can’t imagine. It looks super uncomfortable.”

Foggy snorts. “If I can deal with watching Matt kiss Karen in the hospital that one time, I can deal with this. Now that was uncomfortable.”

Your blood runs cold. 

“Matt…kissed Karen?” You ask, heart hammering uncomfortably in your chest, the increased speed sharp and painful as it pounds relentlessly. “When was that?”

Foggy must not hear the way your voice has changed, too busy trying to take a bit of his sandwich. “During the Punisher case. I like…turned to look at them, and bam. A full smack of his lips against hers, and it looked just as uncomfortable for me as it was for them.”

“So this…was a while ago?” 

Foggy freezes, finally glancing back up at you, a confused frown on his face. “Matt didn’t tell you?”

You shift in your seat, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible, but you're not quite sure if you pull it off. “Tell me what?”

He shakes his head. “I mean, it’s no big deal, really. They only dated for a small period of time, and it’s barely even worth mentioning, to be honest. It was right as Elektra came back into the picture.”

Ah, Elektra.

The woman whose scars you’ve been steadily trying to heal ever since you met him.

“Do you think it would have gone anywhere if Elektra hadn’t come back?” You ask hesitantly, fingernails biting into the palm of your hand. Foggy looks thoughtful.

“I’m not sure,” he says, appearing to think about it. “They definitely liked each other. It could have been something, had either one of them been truthful with each other. To be honest, I kind of thought they would try again after everything with Fisk, but they’ve remained just friends.”

You glance down at your hands, struggling to take a deep breath. When you glance back up, Foggy is frowning heavily.

“Are you okay?”

Forcing a smile on your face, you nod, trying to get rid of the images of beautiful Karen and handsome Matt, standing next to each other and smiling, like they had that night at Josie’s. The picture of them together flashes through your head almost brutally. “Yeah, I’m totally fine. I just didn’t know is all,” you tell him with a shrug of your shoulders. “And I’m super hungry, so I think I’m a little out of it.”

Foggy looks at you, eyes narrowing in consideration, before his face brightens again. “I totally feel that. Like…my life is perpetually split into two sections; eating, or thinking about when I’m going to eat again. My stomach is forever calling out for food.”

You laugh, and while you find what he’s said amusing, it’s not enough to drown out the roaring in your ears. The new knowledge has sent you spiraling, and it’s like every thought you’ve had about the two of them is standing in front of you, taunting you. Matt and Karen had at one point been together. Maybe only for a short period of time, according to Foggy, but feelings had been there, and you can’t help but think that you were possibly the thing that was standing in the way of the universe correcting itself.

Foggy has thankfully turned back to his sandwich, and you pray for the floor to open up and swallow you whole.

Your phone rings, and you pull it out of your purse, grateful for the first time in your life to see your boss’s name flashing across the screen.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” her voice greets you, “I know you’re taking your lunch, but is there any way you can come back early? Someone in accounting messed up the data you’ve collected, and I could really use some help getting it sorted back out. It needs to be resubmitted by the end of the day.”

Perfect. 

“Yes, I can be there in ten. I’ll see you soon.”

Your boss hangs up, and you’re shoving your phone into your purse as you rise up from your chair. “I have to go, work emergency,” you tell Foggy in explanation as he looks at you questioningly. “Will you give Matt his lunch and tell him I’m sorry I missed him?”

He nods with a small grin, gingerly wiping his mouth with a napkin as he swallows, careful to not rub too hard. His skin really does look painful. “I’ll tell him to give you a call later. He’ll be sad that he didn’t get to spend lunch with you.”

Your heart aches painfully in your chest. You’re sad, too, but right now the relief far outweighs the disappointment. You’re not sure you’d be able to handle sitting across from him right now, insecurities and negative thoughts spreading through your entire body like an uncontrollable wildfire. 

Matt has always made your heart pound relentlessly in your chest, the mere thought of him sending you into overdrive. His wide smile. His cocky smirk. His beautiful eyes he only lets a select few see. His soft skin.

But now your heart is pounding for a whole different reason, the anxiety ensnaring you so completely in such a small period of time, and you don’t want him around to witness the fallout that’s bound to happen.

You send one last smile to Foggy, and if he notices the panic and misery in it, he doesn’t say anything.

*****************

The final nail in the coffin happens at a fundraiser Nelson, Murdock & Page had been invited to. The fundraiser was raising money to help underprivileged individuals afford legal counsel when charged with petty crimes, and the firm is happy to attend and donate what they can to the cause. 

Matt had asked you to accompany him, wide smile on his face while he told you about the mission and purpose, and you readily accepted his invitation to join. He seemed so eager and excited, and you couldn't have thought of an excuse to justify not going if you tried.

You’d picked out a beautiful dress for the evening. Red and black, an echo of the black he wears out at night, and the red of his sharp lenses, two different personas he puts on for the world. You prefer Matt in sweat pants and a hoodie with large fuzzy socks pulled up mid-shin, but you love all pieces of him, and this dress reminds you of the person he chooses to be for his city.

He’s running late, which is unsurprising, given the long day he’d had in court. He warned you earlier that his work day may run over, but that he’d join the group as quickly as possible. 

You enter the fundraiser with Foggy, Karen, and Marci instead, taking in the way the lobby of the museum has transformed into a beautiful layout filled with cocktail tables that are covered with sleek black cloths and lit-up centerpieces. The lighting is low and almost romantic, a soft jazz band is playing on a stage directly ahead, and there are various decorations and balloons in hues of blues and purples.

It’s not necessarily a black-tie event, but people are dressed beautifully as they talk amongst themselves, weaving in and out of the crowd as they greet and strike up new conversations with people who have just walked in. It’s not exactly surprising when an older woman walks up to the group with a smile on her face, arms outstretched for a hug. Your group of lawyers is bound to run into people they know.

“Foggy,” she greets warmly, pulling him in, squeezing him to her. Foggy leans in immediately, beaming at the woman.

“Emily,” he says with a kiss to her cheek. “Always wonderful to see you.” He turns to the rest of the group, arm still around her shoulders. “Everyone, this is Emily Davidson. She is an old friend of the family.”

She smiles broadly at the group, before lifting her face back towards Foggy

“Where’s Matt?” Emily questions, arm still wrapped around his waist after a brief chorus of hellos are said. “I thought he was coming.”

“He’ll be here soon,” Foggy answers easily. He takes a flute of champagne that a waiter hands to him. “This is–”

“Oh, you must be his girlfriend,” she says with a large smile, interrupting Foggy and finally stepping away from him. Her eyes are absolutely lit up with warmth and excitement. “Matt said you’d be here with him.”

But Emily isn’t looking at you. She’s looking at Karen.

Your heart drops. 

Of course it’s Karen. It’s always Karen.

“Aren’t you just beautiful,” she gushes, grabbing Karen’s hands in what can only be described as pure joy. “That boy always sure knew how to pick them.”

“I’m not—”

“He says you’ve been together for over a year, right?” She continues, voice carrying over Karen’s immediate objection. Karen gives you a look that is extremely apologetic, cheeks turning red. “None of the other women he’s brought around have stuck. I’m so happy to know someone as sweet looking as you has decided to–”

“I’m not his girlfriend,” Karen finally manages to interrupt, looking deeply uncomfortable as she shifts on her feet. The woman frowns, but Karen removes her hands from hers and gestures towards you with a smile that is kind, but also increasingly awkward.

Emily stares at you for a second, mouth dropping infinitesimally, but she recovers quickly, a wide smile once again lighting up her face. Though she is subtle about it you don’t miss the way her eyes briefly glance up and down, as if sizing you up. 

“Oh. It’s so nice to meet you, dear,” she says, taking a step towards you. Her gaze upon you is kind, but more reserved and closed off than it had been with Karen. She seems to be yet another person who expects Matt to have someone as beautiful as Karen on his arm, and the thought causes your throat to go dry and your heart to drop. “You look lovely, too. That dress is stunning.”

You force a smile, and you hate the way it’s appeared on your face more and more these past few weeks. It was once a smile that was meant for the occasional awkward conversation, but lately it’s almost found a permanent home on your face.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” you tell her, hugging her awkwardly when she pulls you in. Your body is full of tension, and your movements feel stiff. She pulls away, taking a step back. She eyes the group once more, the four of you in a semi-circle around her, before mentioning that she has some friends she needs to catch up with. Emily walks away, unaware of the turmoil that is brewing in you.

The air is sweltering around the four of you, and your hand is holding on to your clutch in a grip that would be bruising if it was someone's hand instead.

Karen abruptly turns to you, an hesitant smile on her face, “I–”

“Does anyone know where the bathroom is?” You cut her off, making a show of looking around you, trying to spot one. Your eyes land on one finally, and it’s like a lifeline that’s calling to you. “Oh, there it is. I’ll be back in a few.” Without another word, you turn on your heel and make your way towards the bathroom, shoes clacking loudly on the floor. 

You're in a stall before you know it, the bathroom shockingly but thankfully unoccupied. You lock the stall door with shaking hands, begging yourself not to cry as your face crumbles. The last thing you want is to go back out to your friends with red eyes and smeared mascara, so you bite your tongue until it bleeds.

You have to get out of here.

An idea springs up inside your head, and you yank your phone out of your purse, immediately pulling up your message chain with your younger sister. 

Text Sent 7:32pm: I need you to call me in fifteen minutes with an emergency.

You hold your breath, praying that your sister responds shortly. It’s always been a code when one of you needs an excuse to get out of something, and you’ve never relied on it the way you’re relying on it now.

Text Received 7:33pm: Is everything okay?

Sighing in relief that she’s answered so quickly, tears still pricking at your eyes, you type out a quick reply.

Text Sent 7:33pm: Not really, but I’ll explain later. Can you call me in a few?

Text Received 7:34pm: Absolutely.

You rejoin your friends with another fake smile, and make an effort to seem as put together as possible. Temporarily shoving your misery aside, you crack a few jokes, laugh at Foggy’s commentary of the people around him, and tap your champagne flute against Karen’s in a funny, random toast, ignoring the way she’s looking at you in concern. You make a show of wondering where Matt is, casually mentioning that he had said he would be arriving soon, craning your neck to glance around the room as if in search for him.

In reality, you’re hoping he’s nowhere near the event, so that you can slip out without a word.

You know you’re being borderline childish with how you’re reacting. It had been an easy mistake on Emily’s part, but it’s once again reinforcing the idea that Matt should be with someone who looks like Karen, at least by society’s standards.

A beautiful man with a beautiful woman. It doesn't matter that he's blind and can't possibly know what his partner looks like; there's still an unfortunate, unspoken rule that says beautiful people belong with other beautiful people.

You're cute, in your own way. But other people don't seem to think it's enough. And while you’d normally be the type of person to flip society the bird, you can only hear the same message so many times before it starts to sink in like a poison with no antidote.

True to her word, your sister calls at the fifteen minute mark, and you feel the way your phone is vibrating in your purse. You pull it out, sending a quick apologetic look to the trio as you take a small step to the side, and answer it.

“Hello?”

“Are you coming over to talk about whatever is going on?” Your sister says in greeting, her dry tone still managing to sound a bit concerned.

“Oh no, are you okay?” You ask in reply, placing a heavy frown on your face. The group is watching you closely, even while they make small talk amongst themselves.

“Did Matt do something?”

“I’m at an event right now,” you say, somehow managing to sound regretful, letting a wince slide across your face. Foggy looks at you, his brow furrowed, as if trying to figure out what's going on. When he wants to be, he's more perceptive than anyone ever gives him credit for. “Can I come by after?”

“Tell whoever’s there that I need stitches or something,” your sister suggests helpfully.

You sigh loudly, shifting your eyes upward in what you hope conveys a small amount of annoyance. “Okay, I’m coming.” You hang up shortly after, turning to the group with an unhappy look across your face. At least that part isn’t necessarily a lie. 

“Do you really have to leave?” Karen asks, and while she sounds sympathetic to whatever may have happened on the phone, there’s also a tiny spark of suspicion in her eyes. You ignore it.

“My sister sliced her hand open and probably needs stitches,” you say as an explanation, grimacing. “She asked me to meet her at the hospital. She’s awful with needles and is freaking out. I’m sorry, I’ve got to go.”

Marci gives you a sad smile, and it looks a little too knowing for your taste. She’s the one who knows you the least, and while she’s a part of the friend group by way of Foggy, you don’t know her nearly enough to be overly concerned about whether or not she believes the act.

Foggy and Karen, on the other hand, seem to be a little more cautious with the explanation you’ve given, and you know that if you stay with them much longer, they’ll see right through the agony that’s tearing its way through you, no matter how hard you’re trying to keep it at bay.

“Tell Matt that I’m sorry to have to leave so early,” you say to Foggy as you lean in to give him a hug. Karen hugs you, too, and you try not to flinch from the touch. 

Beautiful, lovely Karen. It’s not her fault, you know. But it doesn’t stop the sting.

“You could call him yourself,” Foggy suggests as you move to leave the group. You don’t answer, adrenaline and panic finally sliding through the cracks, and you can’t be there one second more. 

You’re crying on your sister’s couch in a set of pajamas she’s leant you forty-five minutes later, bottle of whiskey on the table in front of you, your cell phone once again on do not disturb with a growing collection of missed calls and voicemails.

******************

You stumble back into your apartment the next morning, still dressed in your sister’s pajamas, evening dress bunched over your arm. Your expensive heels hang almost pathetically from your fingers, a reminder of a failed night out, having been replaced by a pair of old flip flops.

“Hey,” a voice says, and you’re not necessarily surprised to see him standing in your kitchen, sipping on a cup of coffee. He looks tired, more tired than you’ve seen in a long time, and you wince, knowing a large part of it is due to you.

“Hey,” you whisper in reply. You set your shoes and dress on your kitchen table, rubbing your eyes tiredly. “What are you doing here?”

Matt’s eyebrows shoot up in slight surprise, mouth parting. “Am I…unwelcome here? Am I intruding?”

“No, of course not,” you say in a rush, disliking the way his beautiful face flashes with something that looks like hurt. “I just…wasn’t expecting you to be here.”

“You would have known if you bothered to answer my calls or listen to any of the several voicemails I left last night.”

You hang your head in shame and guilt. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“I had no idea what was going on,” he tells you, placing his coffee cup on the counter and taking a slow step forward. There's a look of concern on his face, though it's buried under a level of irritation and exasperation that seems to be slowly settling in. “You were just…gone.”

“I told Foggy and Karen that my sister–”

“You’re a horrible liar, sweetheart,” Matt says with a laugh that almost sounds bitter. “They knew something was up, and unfortunately I was still too far away to know something had happened to actually do anything.”

“Nothing hap–”

“Did you miss the part where I just said you are a horrible liar?”

Your jaw snaps shut. 

“Your sister finally called me back last night after you went to bed, or else I would have had no idea where you were,” Matt says, and he sounds extremely frustrated. “You can’t…you can’t just disappear on me like that.”

You know the way people have just up and left him in the past without a word, you know the way it has continued to leave scars on him, and it makes you feel incredibly guilty. But it doesn't stop the way you begin to also feel defensive, a direct result of the weeks of hurt still flowing through you. 

“I’m not a child, Matt,” you tell him in something that could almost be construed as a snap. “You don’t need to know my whereabouts all hours of the day.”

He looks like he’s been slapped and you wince, already regretting the words. “That’s not–you think that’s what this is? Me being clingy? Or–or me trying to control what you do?”

“No–”

“Foggy said you ran out of there last night looking like you were about to burst into tears and all I could do was call and call and call and pray that you were okay. You went to your sister’s place in Jersey because you knew I wouldn’t be able to track you the further away you got, right? That I would have no idea where you were unless someone told me?"

You flinch, you can't help it. “That wasn’t the only rea–”

“And all because a woman mistook Karen as my girlfriend instead of you?” He asks incredulously. “How childish is that?”

It’s your turn to feel like you’ve been slapped. Your cheeks flood in shame, embarrassment, pain. You’re not quite sure how to respond to it, because a part of you knows how childish it had been. But the insecurity is not based on one event, but a series of them, and the chorus of voices in your head that tells you you're not good enough for him has been growing steadily louder since that night at the bar.

Matt’s words have effectively stunned you into silence, and while you open your mouth several times to speak, nothing comes out. Your shoulders sag, and you all but curl into yourself, hugging your arms around your waist in an effort to appear as small as possible.

To take up as little space as possible. 

The way Matt is still tense tells you that he had been ready for you to fire something back at him, some sort of rebuttal that he’d easily tear down as he would in court, and when you don’t, he seems confused. His brow furrows as you all but wilt in front of him. 

You watch as a flicker of realization passes over his face, and you cringe. He's caught on, and you don't like it.

“It actually…it actually hurt you,” he says, and his voice is startlingly quiet, a sharp contrast to the way he had sounded so heated and frustrated just moments before. “Didn’t it?”

You give a noncommittal shrug, shoulders rising and falling ever so slightly, but otherwise don’t have any sort of reaction. 

Matt licks his lips, and your eyes can’t help but follow the motion even in your misery. “Why…why did that upset you so much?” You shrug your shoulders again, but he shakes his head, as if refusing your lack of a response. “No-no, don’t do that. You can’t have a reaction like that and expect me to just not say anything about it, to not want to know what’s wrong or what I can do to fix it. Talk to me, sweetheart.”

Your eyes are welling with tears before you can even try to stop them, and with a quiet whine, you cover your face in your hands. 

You hear Matt swear, and before you can even take your first shuddering breath, he is wrapped around you. Your head is tucked under his chin, a hand cradling the back of your skull to keep you pressed into him, the other wrapped around your back. You leave your hands covering your face, unwilling to tear down the barrier at the moment. You’re barely holding things in as it is, and the thought of exposing yourself to him completely right now is terrifying.

He’s whispering soothing words into your ear, the same things he always tells you when he knows you’re upset, and while the words take the edge off, they’re not a match for the misery that’s got you shredded by its claws.

Eventually he takes a step back, though his body is still pressed lightly against yours. With slow movements, he removes his arms from around you, and gently tries to pry your hands from your face. You struggle against him for a moment, tears still soaking your hands, but you give in, as you so often do, when it comes to the gentle force that is Matt Murdock.

He tilts your face up and places a soft kiss onto your forehead, palms cupping your face as he gently wipes the tears that have dripped down your cheeks. His eyes dance blindly across your face, and though he can’t see the way your sadness has literally poured from you, he can feel the way the heat of the tears have scalded you on their way down.

“Tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart,” he whispers against your skin, still cradling your face in his scarred, calloused hands. “What happened?”

You take a deep breath, one that sounds more like a gasp than anything, and keep your eyes squeezed shut. “Everyone always…everyone always assumes you’re with her.”

“With Karen?”

You nod, fingers twisting themselves into the t-shirt he’s wearing. 

“It’s happened more than once?”

“It happens all the time,” you tell him with something that sounds suspiciously like another sob. His frown deepens. “And maybe…maybe I just hear it more now because I've become so sensitive to it, but it’s happened quite a few times. And I know how stupid it is because I shouldn’t listen to what other people say, but it still just sucks to hear it over and over again.”

“What do people say?”

You try to twist out of his grasp, but he doesn’t let you. He presses another kiss to your forehead and asks the question again, softer this time. “They say…they say how beautiful you are together. How you’ll have beautiful children together. And when they–when they see that you’re with me instead, it’s almost like it’s offensive to them.”

Matt makes a mournful sound in the back of his throat, thumb catching a new wave of tears that trail down your cheeks at the admission. “None of that matters to me. You know that. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met, and I don't need to be able to see you to know that.”

“I know,” you whimper, and the sound makes you feel borderline pathetic. “But it matters to me.”

“Why, sweetheart?”

“Because it’s like everyone is saying I’m not good enough for you,” you say, still keeping your eyes closed as you expel the root of the insecurity. You feel like you're tearing yourself apart for him, the wounds every bit as real as the ones you spend night after night patching up on him. 

“She is beautiful and kind and all the wonderful things you can think about a person. And I love Karen, she is such a wonderful person, and I'm incredibly lucky to call her a friend." You open your eyes briefly, taking in the way Matt looks just as pained at the words spilling from your mouth. "But it’s hard when everyone is basically telling me that she’s the person you should be with. And it’s–it’s not like I haven’t thought the same thing before. But hearing it come from other people just makes it worse.”

“Why would you–”

“And then Foggy told me–”

“Foggy?”

“--that you and Karen used to date,” you continue, as if the words can’t be stopped now. “He told me that you were together briefly, and that maybe it would have continued had Elektra not come into the picture. He said he had half-expected you two to perhaps get back together, or to try again. And I couldn’t help but think that maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. That maybe I’m just some placeholder until–”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” he says, and though he hasn’t raised his voice, the tone is stern and it finally manages to cut you off. You lower your head, but he lifts it back up. “Open your eyes.” With a deep breath, you do so, his face coming into view above yours. His mouth is parted in something that both resembles shock and slight frustration. “I am with you because I love you. Not because I can’t have Karen. Not because it didn’t work out with her. I am not with her because I don’t want her. I want you, only you.” 

“But–”

“We went on one date, and I knew pretty early on that even though it felt nice for a moment, it was never going to be something that was sustainable, or worth fighting for because she wasn’t right for me. There is nothing between us, and there hasn’t been in years, and there won’t ever be again, because I am with the person I want to be with,” he tells you fiercely, pressing his forehead into yours, thumb tracing your bottom lip. “I am yours in every single way. And whatever you need from me to help you believe that, say the word and it’s yours.”

His tone is once again quiet and gentle by the time he’s finished speaking, and the words are a balm that rushes through your skin, putting out and soothing the heat and anxiety that has been coursing through your veins since the night before. You take shuddering breath after shuddering breath, attempting to bring your heart rate back down to normal, and at last you succeed.

“Sweetheart?” he asks gently when you’re quiet for too long. He pulls his head back, head tilted down towards you in the way you’re so familiar with. “Tell me what you need from me.”

You shake your head, contemplating the right words. “I can’t think of anything that you don’t already do, Matt,” you admit softly. “You…you already know what I need before I even know how to articulate it.”

He's quiet for a moment before he opens his mouth. "Do we need to…keep a little distance from her for a bit?" He looks deeply unsettled by the idea, and it's equally disorienting to you, too.

"God, no," you say with a gasp, jerking back as far as his hold on you will let you. "None of this is on her, at all. And I don't want her to feel like she did anything, because she didn't."

Matt looks relieved. "I didn't think it would be something you'd go for, but I wanted to throw it on the table, in case you did need some space."

You shake your head. "No, I don't need anything like that. I promise. Foggy and Karen are my friends, too, you know," you tell him, mouth tilted ever slightly at the corner as you think about all the memories you've shared over the past year. "Sure, I met them through you, but I love them. You're a package deal, and I wouldn't have it any other way."

He tucks a stand of hair behind your ear. "They feel the same way about you."

You can't help the way your smile widens slightly. "Good…I'm glad."

Matt places another kiss on your forehead, pausing again before he speaks. “I like to think I'm good at reading you,” he says softly, eyes landing on your shoulder, the color almost green in the sunlight that's pouring in from your kitchen window. “And I like to think that not a lot gets by me. But this did. And it seems like it’s been there for a while.”

You shrug, as always trying to downplay the way you’re feeling, but per usual, Matt doesn’t let you get away with it. 

“It was a miss on my part,” he continues with a sigh. “I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on the fact that something was off.”

“Nothing about this is your fault, so please don’t apologize.” He opens his mouth to object, but you shush him with a soft finger on his lips. “I could have said something. I know how to use my words. I… purposefully avoided you when I was feeling like this because I knew you’d pull it out of me eventually. So that’s on me, I think.”

He looks contemplative for a second, before a small smile graces his face. You trace his mouth with the finger that’s already resting there, and he takes the opportunity to press a kiss to it. “I’ll make an effort to listen more for when something might be upsetting you, and you’ll make an effort to talk to me about it. Deal?”

Nodding, you mirror the small grin. “Deal.”

“And if I feel the need to pull you close and put my hands on you in public so that everyone knows you're mine, you'll be okay with that, right?"

You can't help but huff a laugh. "Matt–"

"Or if you prefer, you can do the same to me, whenever the need arises," he says innocently.

Your eyebrows raise. "Why do I feel like you're asking me to claim you in public?"

"It's a mutual claiming, sweetheart."

You roll your eyes fondly. "I guess when you put it that way, how can I say no?"

Matt smirks as he lowers his mouth towards yours, hand slipping into your hair so that you are angled perfectly beneath him. "Seal it with a kiss?”

“Absol–”

His lips are on yours before you’re done speaking the word.

[certifiedskywalker]

Listening In - Matthew Murdock

The four times Matthew listened to your heart, and the first time he listened to his own.

1. When he first met you…

“That’s a big fish to fry, and you know how I feel about bad seafood.” Foggy frowned at the lack of reaction and leaned in close, hoping the heat of his proximity would get his friend’s impressively hard-to-earn attention. “Are you even listening, Matt?”

“Someone’s outside,” he replied coldly, forgetting himself, the moment, and letting the tone he reserved for his nightly, less than lawful activities fall across his tongue.

“What?”

Matt head cocked towards the door and laid his palms flat on the cool tabletop, letting every vibration of sound run up the metal supports and into his skin. Though muffled by the white walls of the office and frosted glass of the front door, the single, strong heartbeat that set him on edge clarified into two. Adrenaline spiked slightly in both bloodstreams and the breaths of the pair grew shallow, like a set of panthers preparing to pounce from the shadows, ready to reap Nelson and Murdock, and Page, like prey. At the thought, Matt quickly stood from his seat and swallowed hard, “two someones.”

“Do you have the Sixth Sense or something?” Foggy asked, craning his to look towards the entrance. “I don’t see anyone but you, and you are sca-“

A knock rang through the office, the waves of it echoing bright red in Matt’s mind. His heart skipped at the sound, skipped at the realization: a criminal wouldn’t knock. Fisk’s goons would have barged right in, ready to break anything and anyone in their path. Despite that truth, the knock alone did not soothe Matt’s worry. It was only when he focused again, listened as one of the beating hearts turned soft but strong; there was no sign of nervousness in it’s rhythm.

The sound was quickly drowned out by Karen’s heel clacking against the hardwood. “Hi, sorry! Come in, come in.”

“Hola,” came a voice, sweet but aged. Matt could hear the croaky twinge of a throat made hoarse by years of use and smell a sweet perfume that mingled with more latent, dulled scents of spices. “Es esto Nelson y Murdock?”

“Sí,” Karen returned, and Matt could so easily detect the smile she wore as she opened the door. “Come in, adelante.”

Then came Foggy, smiling too as his voice joined the greeting fray. “Hola!”

Matt would have laughed at his partner’s attempt at a Spanish accent, but he was far too preoccupied with trying to better attune his senses to detect…

Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.

There it was again, solid but soft. The beat’s gentleness coaxed Matt into, at last, unclenching his fists and ditching the thought of fight entirely. He focused all his senses towards the sound, towards you. All at once, his senses melted away but pooled together to take your shape. He saw you then, in his own way: your hair like wisps of flame, eyes shining like embers, and your lips a sloping curve of the red you were bathed in. Even in the fire of his strange vision, you were beautiful to Matt; a spark all your own.

“Me llamo Elena Cardenas.”

“And I’m Y/N L/N,” you added, and even your voice held it’s own shine. Matt smiled and tilted his head loosely in your direction as if he could try to see you better. He knew he couldn’t, not in the way he longed to see you. He could only ever have pieces of you: the shape of your mouth when you spoke, your fluttering lashes, your hands as you gestured, emphasized your words. When it came to seeing people, Matt could see best when they talked.

Which was why he asked, “how can we help you?”

A small shift in the air, along with the scent of your shampoo, flooded Matt’s senses as you turned your head to look at him. He heard the lightest and sharpest intakes of breath and the wide-eyed burn of your gaze on his face. Despite your hitch in breath, the soft beating of your heart remained steady and Matt’s smile broadened slightly.

How brave you were, how sure.

“I’m Matt, by the way.”

He held out his hand. You hesitated, and Matt knew you were realizing his blindness in that silent way most did; but instead of questioning it, your hand quickly found his. Your skin was soft against his own, warm, inviting, and he could feel your heartbeat through your flesh. It was solid, unyielding, as if you did not need to collect yourself within the newness of the situation you found yourself in, the newness of Matt himself.

“Matt Nelson or Matt Murdock?”

“Murdock. Matt Murdock.”

He wished he could see the smile on your lips, the smile he knew was there based on the minty hint of toothpaste that slipped out in the breathy edge of your small chuckle.

“Well, Matt Murdock, we hope that you can make sure Hell’s Kitchen remains our home.”

2. After the firm’s big victory…

“I figured you would be smiling more.”

Matt lifted his head at the sound of your voice, the smug smile on your lips evident in how your words tilted into a higher pitch. In the red, he saw you with your shoulder pressed against the doorframe of his office, eyeing him and the files of papers spread out across his desk. At the feeling of your eyes on him, Matt smiled. His shift in expression bought himself a moment of silence as you smiled widely back at him. He reached out with his senses, seeking the strong, warm sound of your heart beating in your chest.

A steady rhythm filled Matt’s ears and his smile widened. You laughed.

“That better?” Matt asked as you stepped inside his office, the padding of your shoes on the hardwood floor overshadowing your heartbeat.

“Much,” you beamed, your voice increasing in volume as you grew closer. Matt could trace the line of your figure as you neared his desk, your warmth cutting through the cool air and burning wisps he had left of his vision. “Though, something is still…missing.”

“Missing? If you’re talking about a drink, we have plans to celebrate at Josie’s later. I’d love you have you come along.”

“Thank you, for the invitation, but,” you said, stopping in front of Matt, leaning against the edge of his desk slightly, “that’s not what I was going to say.”

If he was not so overwhelmed by the heat of your body so wonderfully, terribly close his own, Matt would have followed your dialogue, asked what it was that you were going to say. Yet, his expression dropped as he channeled his first impulse. He needed to keep you close, to ensure your presence near his own. That was why, when he tipped his head up, Matt asked: “You were going to accept the invitation, right?”

You chuckled softly, “yes, I’ll be there…”

“Good.”

Matt leaned back slightly, satisfied enough to let a moment of quiet fall between you. He took the opportunity to reach out again, listen in on your heartbeat. As usual, it was untelling and steady in it’s pace. It made you so hard to read, to see in the way Matt could see people, their intentions and feelings. It, no, you maddened him, made him nervous.

You made him all the more nervous when you reached out. Matt could sense your hand extending towards his face, your palm cutting through the air with warmth. He did not flinch away, which, based on your slight pause, surprised you. Though, it did not stop you from gently pulling his glasses away from his face. The red dulled, but your heartbeat did not.

“You look tired, Matt,” you murmured, just as he heard the small clink of his glasses against his desk as you set them aside.

“I have been missing sleep,” he admitted. Matt was about to continue, make some smartass comment to make you laugh and ease any worry you held for him. Before he could, he felt your fingertips kiss his cheek, brush along his skin to the side of his face. Matt could not help himself but lean into your touch.

“You should rest.” At the mere idea of taking the coming lawyer-days and vigilante-nights easy, Matt scoffed. “Really, you should.”

“And let the lovely residents of Hells Kitchen get lost in the power vacuum Fisk left behind? I can’t..I can’t do that, you know I can’t.”

“I know,” you sighed, your hand falling from his face. “That’s why Elena and I came to you, to you and Foggy, and Karen. Hells Kitchen locals with the same heart.”

With the mention, Matt took another moment to check on your heartbeat: still no change. How strange. There was no slow with the sad mention of your late neighbor killed by Fisk’s goons. There was no slight hike in pace when your hand lifted once more and brushed a strand of brown hair from Matt’s forehead. You were calm, steadfast.

When the quiet stretched on too long, he cleared his throat. “We wouldn’t have been able to put him away without you, Y/N. You and Elena.”

“I think you’re underestimating your law firm.”

“I think you’re underestimating your importance in our law firm-”

“Our? Does that mean…”

“The paperwork was filed this morning,” Matt said, nodding, “you’re officially on the Nelson & Murdock payroll, starting next Tuesday.”

You let out a pleased hum, a sound that sent a shiver down Matt’s spine. “Amazing, I-I…thank you. I don’t know what else to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Matt held out an open palm and you rested your hand upon it. Against his rough skin, the callouses and scars, your skin was soft. “It’s like you said: locals with the same heart. We work together.”

“And we work well together,” you mused with a smile, the scent of your toothpaste hitting Matt’s nose. He nodded and smiled too. Matt was about to pull your hand to his lips, to kiss your knuckles with all the gentleness he had left in his bones, when there was a knock on his half-open, office door. At the sound, he tipped his head up.

“Hey you guys,” Karen’s voice rang out. “Foggy’s outside and is ready for Josie’s. You coming too, Y/N?”

“I am,” you said, letting your hand fall from Matt’s. Though, your head turned to face him, the scent of your shampoo flowing with the movement. “You ready?”

“Whenever you are.”

3. When he thought he almost lost you…

“Are you hurt?”

Without waiting for a reply, Matt darted towards you, his cane falling from his grip. You were on a hospital cot and all the noise of the scene drowned out his scarlet-toned sight of you; yet that did not stop Matt. His hands found your knees first, bent as you sat up, then they moved up to your waist then the sides of your face. You found your voice when his fingers traced the peaks of your cheeks and hairline, feeling for wounds.

“No, I-I, I’m okay, just-”

“You’re bleeding.”

Matt grazed the tips of his middle and fore finger across your temple, gathering drops of warm crimson. You winced at the contact and he pulled away quickly, murmuring a soft apology. Matt felt you shift with your knees rocking slightly against his thighs, as you reached up to feel the cut. You winced once more and a rush of fear ran through Matt as he considered the risk of a concussion or worse: internal damage.

He focused on you, your form, your head, listening to the rushing of your blood. There was no sign of abnormal clotting or deeper wound. And, much to Matt’s surprise, your heartbeat was steady, borderline slow. The gentle rhythm was in stark contrast to those around you who were panicked, still reeling from the mad man’s rampage through the hospital. Even Matt was wired, antsy to chase after the man in black who was after Grotto; but you came first, always.

“Y/N-”

“I’m okay, really. I’m in better shape than,” you paused and Matt knew you were surveying the bullet-hole ridden walls and shocked-faced patients. “Better than most.”

“You’re still hurt,” Matt pressed, his hand reaching up to cup the side of your face, this time careful of the cut. “He’s going to pay for this, he’s going to get caught. Did you see where he went?”

“He was following Karen while she was getting Grotto out, but- Matt,” you grabbed his hand with your own. “We don’t even know who this guy is. Legal action is hard to take against a man with no name. We need to wait until he’s in custody.”

“Someone like this isn’t going to go in quietly. The NYPD is going to need help.”

“Then leave Daredevil to do that,” you whispered. “I’m telling you, there was something in his face…something dark, sad but dangerous. They way he went after them…if we step anymore in the way, we’ll be the ones paying for it.”

Matt took a pause and listened to your heart again, sure this time it would be wild, thunderous as you recounted the shooter. He tipped his chin down, leaned in closer to you to truly focus, tune out the rustling of scrubs and chaos outside the hallway.

Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.

“Matt?”

He came to himself, pulled himself out of your steadying presence. “Sorry, I…I’m just glad you’re okay. But, I can’t let him, I can’t stand back.”

“Yeah,” you sighed, giving his hand a squeeze, “I knew you were gonna say something like that. Just be careful.”

“When am I not?” Matt asked, half-joking as he kicked out in search of his cane. As soon as his foot knocked against it, he reached down to pick it up. He had a facade to keep up, though how he hated keeping it up around you.

“Matt,” you pressed warningly, “please. Especially if the Devil comes. He can handle this guy, leave it to him. Please?”

Matt fought back a smile, and, as if sealing some envelope of a promise, Matt leaned towards you. He wished he could kiss you, really kiss. Wished that he could show his relief, his joy that you were relatively unscathed, that you were still you and unwavering. It took all he had to bite back the urge. And he the Devil’s work to do.

So, instead, Matt pressed his lips to your forehead, let himself linger until he felt he could no longer. He thought of Karen and Grotto, the man that could have killed you. Then he pulled away without giving your heart another listen.

4. After he told you his secret…

Dim light, stained red, shone through the frosted glass and filled Matt’s mind with shadows. Two shadows in particular stood out in is mind, alongside two heartbeats. One was bird-like, swift and slightly panicked; it belonged to Karen. Then, there was you, steadfast and solid as ever. It made Matt’s stomach tighten as he twisted the door knob and stepped inside.

Immediately, the two shadows, you and Karen, clarified. In the limited light, he could not make out the details of your expressions. Though, Matt could see your hair and the slight flow to Karen’s skirt. He could tell that you both turned to look at him, watch at the door shut behind him. Karen’s heels clicked against the floor as she stepped out from behind the front desk. You remained terribly still, focused on him.

“Thanks for meeting me,” Matt said, his voice low as he dropped his folded cane aside. With two hands then, he gripped the paper bag he held, his biggest secret.

“What are we doing here, Matt?” Karen asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I-I, uh, I have-” Matt held up the bag and tilted his head your direction. You did not respond to the gesture and remained leant against the edge of the desk.

Karen began shaking her head and took a step back. “I don’t wanna-”

“I have something,” Matt swallowed and stepped towards the both of you, letting his facade fall completely, “that I need you to see.”

As he moved, Matt reached inside the paper bag. He moved confidently without his cane and, because of that, he heard Karen gasp lightly. Yet, all he heard from you was the still steady beating of your heart as his fingers closed around his mask. Slowly, he pulled it out and, in a breath, said, “I’m Daredevil.”

A heavy silence filled the space. Matt had no choice but to listen to the blood racing through your veins and Karen’s. Hers was a wild rush, propelled into such speed by her heart but yours was slower. As usual, your body told him nothing, no matter how hard he listened and wanted. It was only when you took a step forwards that Matt realized he was holding his breath.

“Does that mean you can see?” Karen asked as you continued to step towards him.

“No, not really, only outlines, like I’m trying to see pictures in flames.” Matt turned his head from Karen to you, “like everything’s on fire.”

There was a pause, in which Matt felt your body heat grow more concentrated, more intensely against his skin. Then he heard your voice, soft and careful, “may I?”

“Y-Yeah,” Matt held out his mask and let you take it.

He saw your shape inspect it, hold it up in the desk lamp light before looking back at him. Your hand quickly cast a shadow as you reached towards Matt again, your finger plucking his glasses from his face. He held out his hand to take them from you and, when his fingers closed around the metal frames, he heard your breath hitch.

“Matt,” you whispered, your fingertips tracing the skin surrounding the cuts on his face. “All those times, the bruises and scrapes were from-”

“You weren’t falling or drunk…Foggy lied for you,” Karen realized out loud. “He knew, of course he knew. That’s why he got so angry.”

“Yeah, he knew, not the entire time. Only recently.”

“How long?” You asked, pulling his attention back to you and away from Karen. He frowned in reply and Karen let out a sound halfway between a scoff and a gasp.

“I don’t know if I want an answer to that question,” Karen admitted, “or any question, right now. I…clearly we’re not all in a place where we can be honest with each other.” The lithe woman grabbed her bag and jacket before she started towards the door.

“Karen,” you murmured, reaching out to stop her. She merely shook her head and continued towards the exit fo the office.

“Karen, wait,” Matt called, turning to face her as she left.

With a slight huff, she paused, hand resting on the knob and ready to turn it at any moment. “What? What it is?”

“I’m being honest when I tell you this,” Matt began, swallowing hard, “I’m done with Daredevil. With Fisk gone, justice is safe and I don’t have to be him anymore.”

“You being him isn’t the problem, Matt,” she glanced over her shoulder at him, he could feel the fire in her eyes. “The problem is that you didn’t tell us, tell me…after everything.”

Without waiting for a reply, Karen opened the door, darted out, and shut it behind her. Matt listened for a moment, to the sound of her steps until she reached the end of the hall. There was no hesitation in her gait, no doubt; only the heaviness of pain. Pain that Matt caused, the same painful ache he felt in his chest as he turned back to you.

“I understand if you want to follow her.”

You did not reply. Instead, you lifted the Devil mask up to Matt’s face, pressed it gently into place. Neither of you dared to make a sound. Though, Matt heard everything he did not want to: he heard the pattering of new rain outside and how your heartbeat faltered at the sight of him obscured. You made no other sound, no other move.

“You’re scared of me,” he murmured.

“No,” you replied, pulling the mask away from his face. “I could never be scared of you. Mad? Yes, but I’m worried because, well, I think Karen’s right.”

“She often is,” Matt said, trying to alleviate the tension that gathered suddenly on his shoulders. You nodded, the air shifting with the movement.

“And I don’t think you’re being honest,” you admitted, stepping closer to him. “I don’t think you’re done with him because you are him, Matt. He’s part of you and you can’t ignore a part of yourself, not forever, not like how you want to.”

“He was a means to an end,” Matt replied curtly, pointing to the mask, “an end to Fisk, an end to the chaos, the injustice he brought to the city.”

You hummed, but said nothing. Matt was waiting for you to say something when he felt your hand on his, the one that did not hold his glasses. You forced his palm open, uncurling his fingers, and placed his mask in his grasp.

“Injustice is never done, Matt, no matter who’s gone and who stays. You know that.” As you spoke, you pressed his fingers closed around the mask. “And you should know that I still, and I will, still feel the same about you when you figure this out.”

You held both of his hands, the glasses and mask, in yours and squeezed. He was too stunned to speak, to breath. All he could do was feel your fingers slip from his and listen as the beat of your steady heart grew softer and softer as you walked away.

1. Then, finally, when things began to get brighter…

“I always thought he was joking.”

“What?”

You gestured to the deli meats hanging from the ceiling and the cheeses on the trays before you both. “Foggy. I thought he was joking about the deli. But there he is, wearing an apron and slicing salami like a pro.”

“Clearly Foggy is nothing but serious,” Matt said, his hands feeling around the table for one of the napkins Foggy wrote on early. He tried to fit all four of your last names on a sketch of a plaque: Nelson, Murdock, Page & L/N. The letters didn’t fit and slipped out of the frame he had drawn. You laughed and Matt smiled.

“Not an artist either,” you quipped.

“I’ll let you be the judge of that.”

“Well, if I’m going to be judging art for you, I better get some rest.”

“Is it late already?” Matt asked, “I thought it was only five.”

“Karen went home at five,” you corrected, standing from your seat. “It’s nine o'clock now and Foggy’s family looks like they’re ready to recruit us into pickling some peppers.”

Matt chuckled and flicked his head towards the deli counter. He saw the outlines of Foggy and his brother folding cold cuts into packages while their mother chatted away. You were right; it was late and the celebration of Father Lantom’s life and the reopening of Nelson’s Meats ended long ago. With a sigh, Matt leaned back and began to stand.

“Can I walk with you?”

“Of course,” you replied, moving over to his side to help him to his feet.

You grabbed his cane and pressed the handle to his palm. Matt smiled to himself at the act and how chipper you sounded when you bid the Nelsons goodnight. The smile endured as you linked your arm in his as you walked out the door together. It almost felt natural, as if the past week never happened and you and Matt were just there, together.

“I missed this.”

“Walking around the city at night? I thought you did that too often,” you joked.

“I missed walking you home,” Matt clarified, “even when I was trying to…to push you away. I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” your arm tightened around his own. Matt wanted to stop you in your tracks, to spill everything he wanted to tell you every day before this one. He wanted to tell you about all those times he almost kissed you, he almost told you; and how each time he held back, listened to your heart to try to read you instead.

Matt leaned into the silence that filled the gap following your words. Only the sounds of the city, sirens in the distance, idle chatter, distracted him. If he focused enough, he could hear the sound, the steady thump thump thumping of your heart. If he focused enough, he could pretend nothing ever happened, that the past week never happened and that you and he were still waltzing around whatever it was you felt. It would be like old times.

But Matt was ready to move forward, after everything. He stopped mid-stride and pulled you into a pause on the sidewalk.

“What is it? Are you okay?”

“Do you still feel the same?”

You smiled, Matt knew this despite how he could not see. He could smell the drink on your breath, the fizzing, pink mix Foggy’s mom insisted you try. It must have been cherry-flavored.

“I do,” you replied, slipping your arm from his, “and I’m surprised you remember.”

“I couldn’t forget.”

“Not even with all the hits to the head you’ve taken?”

Matt chuckled and shook his head. “No, I…”

Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.

Not of your heart in his ears, but his own against his ribcage. He was alive, every part of himself and you were there, alit before him.

“Can I kiss you?”

You did not reply, not with words. Instead, your hands slipped up his chest and rested over his heart. They stilled only for a moment before they rose further to Matt’s jaw. Once there, you pulled him in close, pressed your lips to his.

You smiled, Matt knew this despite how he could not see. He felt the curve of your lips in the kiss, a feeling that made the rest of the world fall silent.

[the-shining-river]

Kastle

No but seriously, the speed with which those two fall for each other is plain ridiculous. Like, yes, they had this connection in DD s02, and there was trust, and this brutal kind of raw honesty that they demanded from each other, but there was also all that active murdering going on and what not.

And now almost a year has passed, Matt is recently presumed killed by a building, Foggy has moved up in life for a while now, and Karen seems lonely but keeps doing her thing, and then Frank shows up and--says he wanted to say hi but acknowledges she might be angry with him? and asks about the gun in her bag as a way to remind her that she has all the power in this situation? and is proud of her for it? and the way they just keep wanting to smile at each other?? Despite Frank’s problems, it feels like such a novel, light-hearted side of him, I don’t think Karen ever got a chance to see it before? A timidly smiling Frank?? (my heart, ugh)

And of course she’s hesitant, but he keeps his distance as non-threatening as possible, and she dares tease him for his hipster looks (a bruise-free Frank is something novel too), and he goes and jokes right back. And then she asks, because she has to, because that’s what she said would make him dead to her before, and Frank answers honestly that his ‘business’ is finished, so this huge problem is not dividing them anymore. And that’s when she loses her shoes and drops her guard for a moment and really looks at him.

“I need to know if you said anything.” “God no. No. Frank, you should know me better than that.”

*Screechinggg* How? Why? When would he have learned that about Karen? From how she kept chasing the truth about his family, from how she lied to cops for him? Point is, Karen thought Frank knew her like that.

Frank asks for her help so nicely -- meaning he came to her for her competence, and I don’t think that’s something Karen experiences very often, being often dismissed as that cute, leggy blonde (with an attitude) (I think), and this time he lets helping him be her own free decision, instead of that time he used her as bait in the diner.

And it’s already a bit much, this role reversal, and this lack of active murdering standing between them, and him looking good-- Karen needs to sit and drink some beer as she already lets tiny smiles escape while she asks her sensible investigator questions, and then he just kills her with those flowers and that smile.

And Karen kills Frank right back with how easy it is to talk to her, to get her help -- no manipulation, no quid pro quo bullshit, nothing.

“Okay.” “Okay.”

Frank puts the roses on the coffee table and steps back again, giving her space so she’d feel safe with the dead man, the murderer, and then Karen just crosses that distance again, with a HUG. When was the last time someone brought flowers for Karen Page? (even if rationalizing it as a means of communication) When was the last time someone hugged Frank Castle? And it’s such a tight, good, heartfelt hug, my gods. And considering the grand total of their previous physical interaction consists of one (1) instance of Frank bodily shielding her from bullets??? I’m ded.

And sure, things start to get complicated again soon enough, with Frank wanting to go after Micro, and Karen unhappy that he’s contemplating killing people again, but this here, this felt like such a SOLID new beginning for them. The physical freedom and the respect/consideration and the more equal footing. On top of that honesty and sense of connection they had built before, the inevitability of this collision is SO beautiful to watch ;___;

[i-got-the-feels]

Things I don't see enough people talking about and can’t stop talking about in The Punisher S1:

Battling Mental illness :

• "Perspective is good. But the answers have to be your own" by Curtis to Lewis, saying that therapy and books and others can help you and guide you better to listen to your own voice, thoughts and emotions but ultimately you have to listen and face your inner-self.

•"You've been in a hole so long that its became home"

"Maybe that's where I am supposed to be"

Again by Curtis. And it is such a beautiful and deep quote about struggles with mental illness - not just PTSD but any mental illness. When you are battling illness you realise that your mental illness is a huge part of your identity and you begin to wonder if that's all you are. Finding out what other things you are besides your mental illness is where the second battle/journey of recovery begins.

•On Survivor's guilt

"And now you are wondering what right you have to be alive. You can't answer that question. but it's normal to ask it" by Madani's mom to Madani after Sam's death.

Frank Castle and David Liberman:

•They are two sides of the same coin. Both of their families were harmed because of their jobs. Only difference Liberman knew it, Frank didn't. Not until it was too late. And while Liberman can do something about it, Frank can't and Curtis called out Liberman for dragging Frank back into this again, in spite of knowing there is nothing good Frank can gain down the road.

•Frank saying THIS to Liberman to ask him who he is and why he is seeking Frank

"Mind needs routine, craves it. Pain isn't torture, you can develop tolerance for it. Time is. Knowing your life is near its end. You and I got time, Liberman" because they are essentially two dead men chasing the ghost of their past, one hoping it would make a difference to their future (Liberman) and other who doesn't know how to live in present or move on to future without banishing the ghosts of his past (Castle)

•Frank saying if Liberman wants to go to his family he has to get his hands dirty and he isn't "some guy" he can call to repair his life like he used to repair his sink in the past.

•Frank saying Liberman left his family, played possum, went under and giving Liberman shit for it but later telling Karen that he kept his family safe shows how Frank blames himself and says they would still be alive if it weren't for him.

Frank Castle and Karen Page:

•How Karen hopes Frank will stop chasing his Past

"When I see you, all i see is endless echoing loneliness"and when he denies she responds with," That is goddamn bullhshit. Everyone in this world is Fighting not to be alone. I want there to be an after for you"

•And if he is chasing his past, she wants it to be in a way the people accountable are punished by the truth and not painted as martrys because that is what they would become if Frank killed them.

Frank and Billy Russo (before the truth was out)

• Frank about Russo to Liberman

"I was a father, husband and a marine. I loved it. Billy russo is my family"

"I had two families, Maria and kids and my unit. I got his back. He got mine"

•Billy Russo defending Frank Castle to Dinah Madani.

"Stay long enough in war and you will get dirty unless you have a good thing to hold on to Frank's got taken away. The system failed Frank in a big way"

•Billy saying - "your family is gone but you are still my brother" and offering him the chance to run away.

Billy Russo and Frank Castle (after the truth was out)

•"I think that maybe the only reason you want Frank dead was so that you could pretend he could never make you feel like a man about to die" Billy Russo to Rawlins.

•"I made a promise" when Rawlins continues to torture Castle when he stops him from shooting him and doesn't let him have an easy death.

•"Did you pull a bullet in wife? On my son? My baby girl?"

"If i was there, I wouldn't have missed. But i said I'd not be a part of it"

"But you knew about it, Bill? You knew about it?"

"Yeah, I knew"

The conversation crushed me because you could hear the hope in Frank's voice that maybe he didn't know and didn't ignore it.

Billy Russo and his beliefs

•"Its was always about , clothes and cars and women with you"

"Its what those things represent. What I see when i look in the mirror" paired with this shot cannot be a coincidence

•And when Billy says this as to what he sees when he looks at Frank, "Lost his family. Lost his faith. About to loose his life" and Frank replies "You are wrong bill.You already lost. You lost your honor" but Billy doesn't think that.

To him, what Frank and we see are excuses are legit reasons of his survival and living and his conviction was showed in instances like what he said to Madani when he shot Frank in front of her, "It was war, Dinah. The only crime in war is to loose", when he said this to Curtis, "Drugs? Someone else would bring them. Killed Afghans? They kill each other." and telling Curtis "Call yourself an ambulance and go to the hospital. My word means something too" paralleling to what Frank said at the beginning of the call.

Dinah Madani and David Liberman:

•"And then you want justice coz you haven't figured out there is no such thing yet" and then "This is your justice?" with him pointing to beaten up and tortured Frank.

Dinah Madani, Billy Russo and Frank Castle:

•The first confrontation scene that Billy and Madani have in Homeland office

"I know you must be haunted by the death of your partner/s but it doesn't make me the guy you are looking for"

"I am looking for frank castle and maybe I'll take my time to do so. Remember how he looked at you in the stair well. You know he js gonna kill you and enjoy doing it. Who knows maybe he received at tipoff and is waiting outside this building. Nice suit, hope its bullet proof"

•To her later in hospital after being shot in the head

"I hope he remembers. So that when he sees me standing he knows the role I played in all of this"

echoing what Frank said as he dragged and crushed Billy's face on the glass, "Now you will live and remember"

On the flawed military system and Lewis being the face of it in the show- in the most obvious manner:

I say obvious because Frank, Liberman, Russo and Rawlins cannot be isolated from the military but their conflict focuses more on the moral choices these characters made in the military context, as being part of the system. Whereas with Lewis, he had no agency to make choice, the system made the choice for him.

"He is loyal to this country, flag, unit and corrupt officers like him take advantage of that."

Frank said this about a soldier in Benett's place when they gone there to hack his cellphone but this show's Lewis's anger, betrayal and hurt completely.

How he had to lie and hide truth about enemy soldiers killing when it was friendly fire, how he feels he is still in war but has no physical proof of it and hence the entire service feels like like a huge lie (when he said to Curt - "you got this in war" and Curtis calls him out and says"I didn't get anything. I lost my leg"), how he sees the country he thought he was defending wasn't even sure if it is worth defending.

On Gun Control

•Gun control is not about certain guns away from all people. But all guns away from certain people - Senator Ori.

•Lets not blame the tool. Lets manage the owners- Senator Ori.

Who is he - Frank Castle or The Punisher

•"Where is home frank?"

"Is it here or there (the battlefield)?"

"Its here. With you. You know that."

"No. I don't know that." before he says he won't go on another tour

• cut to the present with Frank with his bloodied hands leaving the vision Maria saying "This is my home" to say this is who he is now. His present.

The Mirror:

•From Curtis in Episode 1 saying this "Everybody wants to be somebody else. No one is happy to look in the mirror at themselves and see themselves and that means they don't have to be responsible either"

to

•Frank in Episode 13 saying this "If you are gonna look at yourself, really look at yourself in the mirror, you gotta admit who you are but not just to yourself. You gotta admit to everybody else"

Frank Castle, the fighter with Kids:

•Frankie - "marine scares the bad guys, daddy. When you are not here, its my job to protect the girls"

•"Frank is a lot scarier than Pete" "Yeah, he is"

Because Frank is still a fighter, be it as Frank Castle the fighter as a soldier or as The Punisher, a vigilante.

But mans always fights for what he believes to be right with complete honesty and withiut hiding.

Season 2

[weareallstoriesintheend]

Simply Perfect (Foggy Nelson x Reader)

Summary: Foggy is teasing you about liking Matt when little does he know, Matt is not the one you are interested in.

Word Count: 1,206

You threw the dossier at the back of Matts head, just in time as he turned to catch it, “How do you do that?” you laughed hysterically. He smiled his wide, charming grin and shrugged, “It’s a gift”

You rolled your eyes as he turned his back to pull his coat on, ready to go out into the cold New York afternoon, “I heard that” he remarked over his shoulder.

Your jaw dropped, “Like fuck you did!” You looked over your shoulder at Foggy sitting behind the reception desk, “What is he?!”

“A fantastical figment of nature that one” Foggy laughed, Matt shook his head with a smile. His fingers played with the edge of the dossier where he’d placed it on the table, counting the pages and making sure it was ready for his court appearance. You and Foggy were meeting him at the courthouse in an hour, making sure Matt had time to prep your witness in a calm environment, alone.

“Alright, alright I’m going” he said, picking up the dossier and tucking it under his arm.

His hand looped around your bicep, and he pulled himself to your side, “Walk me down the stairs?” he said, all innocent and pouty.

You laughed incredulously, “Now we both know you’re more than capable. Get gone!” you dug your elbow in his side jovially and he flinched.

Matt waved in Foggys general direction and headed out, pulling the door closed behind him. You were still shaking your head in disbelief as he moved out of sight.

Foggy sighed loudly, a little smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. He got up from his chair and moved around towards you.

“Whaaat?” you asked, spinning to face him and perching on the edge of the desk.

He laughed, “I just think you and Matt need to get it over with”

Your eyebrows furrowed and you shrugged in confusion. Foggy picked up the roll of tape that was hanging off a ruler in the pen pot on the corner of the desk. Then you watched as he made a crude gesture of putting his finger in and out of the roll.

You gasped and screwed up your face, “Foggy! Ew no!”

“Oh come oooon” he laughed, “Matt gets all the girls”

“Well not this one!” you protested, “I’m not interested in him”

Foggy looked shocked, “You’re not?”

“NO! He’s annoying!” you rolled your eyes again, “He’s… a little pretentious sometimes and it’s fucking irritating. Plus he thinks he’s hot shit too and that’s also vastly irritating”

Your heart beat heavily in your chest, the truth of the matter was the guy you were interested was still in this room. It was a secret you held close to your chest for the most part, not wanting to make things awkward or weird around the office or in Josie’s after work. Plus, would Foggy even like you back? You’d seen his last girlfriend; beautiful, perfectly bottle-blonde and wildly successful. In your eyes you couldn’t match up to that.

Foggy chuckled and stood in front of you, arms folded across his chest and one eyebrow raised, “Huh, I see! But I thought I overheard you talking to Karen about this guy you liked?”

“NOSEY! And you presumed I meant Matt?” you laughed, standing up also whilst waving your hands in exasperation.

He shrugged, “Lets be honest, it usually means Matt when beautiful women are involved”

You stopped dead in your movements and stared at him, hoping that your cheeks weren’t turning too pink, “Well first of all… t-thank you, but also, you’re right. Just not in this case”

“So, there’s no guy?”

You smiled, playing with the hem of your shirt and chewing on your bottom lip awkwardly, “Oh there’s a guy.”

Foggy looked a little crestfallen and you knew you had him, “Oh?” he replied.

“Mmhmm” you nodded biting back your smile, now or never you thought to yourself.   “He’s cute and funny, he’s got great hair! He’s wickedly smart and the kindest, most comforting person I’ve ever met” you paused to watch his face, “He responds scarily well under pressure, it’s very impressive and just a little bit sexy, and he’s a damn good lawyer too!”

You could see the cogs turning in his head, poker face not his strong suit in this moment. His face lit up at your words, just a little bit, before his expression fell again, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Matt?”

“Foggy!” you protested making him laugh. You loved making him laugh, he was just so handsome when he smiled. It was a simple enough thing that made your chest tighten as your heart fluttered.

“Ok, Ok” he gestured to calm you down, making you giggle, “I getcha. I’m flattered.” He paused, “You do mean me, right?”

Hanging your head to laugh you tried to get out your words, “Yes! I mean you Foggy”

“Oh good!”

There was a silence that suddenly hung in the air as you just stood and looked at each other, playful smiles twitching at the corners of your mouths. You watched the way his breathing changed the more you looked at him.

Then he did something you didn’t expect, he held out his hand to you. After a split second you slipped your hand into his and he gently tugged you closer to him.

“I actually think you’re a better lawyer than Matt anyways” you said lowly.

“You do?”

“Yeah! Sometimes I think Matt just wants to catch the bad guys, you know? It’s like a… glory run for him. But you?” You walked up to him slowly, following his lead, before stroking your hand gently up his chest, “You just want to help people. And I think that’s wonderful”

“I think you’re wonderful” he whispered, looking down at you wide-eyed.

You pushed yourself up onto your toes, steadying yourself with your palms flat against his chest. You were inviting him without pressure, he could give you what you really wanted or he could link his arms around your waist and pull you into a hug.

Thankfully he smiled before ducking his head, you outstretched your neck a little more and sighed when your lips connected. You hummed happily, letting his hands grip at your hips and melting into his frame. The kiss was perfect, slow, cautious and exciting.

“Well, this is a good day” Foggy whispered into the kiss, making you quietly snort with laughter.

“You’re not wrong sir, you are not wrong” you replied, pulling him into a hug. You nuzzled your face into his neck and felt his arms tighten around you. He smelled musky and sweet, the nice cologne his mother got him for his birthday. You noticed how he always wore it to court, probably a promise he made her knowing the sweetness of the Nelson family as you did.

You realised in that moment just how much you fit together; the way his hands were perfect to grip your hips or the way your face fit into the crux of his shoulder, how your arms perfectly looped under his to grip him tight to you or the way you moulded into body.

Simply perfect all round, that was your Foggy Nelson.

[ascnsion]

▋ 𝑰𝑵𝑺𝑰𝑫𝑬 𝑨 𝑴𝑨𝑫𝑫𝑬𝑵𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑴𝑰𝑵𝑫 .  .  .  .  .   🤲🏻  // queenpin grabs bullseye's chin firmly.    𝙁𝙍𝙊𝙈    @sevenbulletsavior​​  .  .  .   ┖ intimidation and violent rp prompts  ┒    

Mosquitoes. Leeches. The thirst for blood was universal; the spinning wheel of time which affected everyone, whether the provider of blood or the consumer. Belly and shattered humanity were satiated, and it was the lesser creatures around him which buzzed and squirmed for a bit of his . . rather, the privilege which accompanied wearing his SKIN. Incredible skill, wealth, power, and the Queenpin’s favor. Which was more highly desired was debatable, and all Benjamin knew is that power had been his sole concern until the Queenpin placed a hand on shoulder in a sort of Hell Kitchen knighting. 

Benjamin had no master, yet if anyone had the courage to utter the relationship between him and Karen Page . . he wouldn’t spit an objection. Was it because she was a woman? Was it because she, unlike most other humans, intrigued him? He felt something; it summoned discomfort and curiosity, and it ultimately kept him at her side dutifully. He could have killed her with ease. Hell, he certainly received enough offers to off the Queenpin, yet thoughts of violence bounced off the woman’s pale skin. Light bouncing off a diamond. The king was dead  — all hail the Queen. A blood diamond. Beautiful. Simple. Steeped in blood. Highly desired. 

The lowly, bottom level goons viewed him with equal curiosity and envy as they delivered the message. The Queenpin needed to see him. Benjamin had never understood why they lingered and stared in similar ways he was scolded for during his youth until Russo spat out the facts like an older brother telling the easiest truth to his sibling. They wanted to hear complaints, compliments, perverse things, ANYTHING about the Queenpin. Bullseye revealed nothing. What was there to reveal? She laid down her orders, and he followed them. From the bottom floor of the tower, he traveled higher and higher to the very top. Blood-sucker free. 

The security clearance alone made men shit themselves with envy, and there she was . . the Queenpin. The diamond. The light in the dark city, though everyone else would argue she was in fact the darkness in a formerly light city. She was vacant from the main room when the elevator doors settled and opened, and Benjamin walked around the impressively decorated space in search of her. Eyes peeked right and left, expression remained cold marble, and his steps echoed louder and louder. The heels of his dress shoes were rhythmically even until he rounded the corner of lounge and found Karen Page at the bar just several meters away. 

Broad shoulders, stiff chin, hands clasped behind his own back, and his blue eyes watched with an almost intimate nature. It was Karen who was so intimate  — soft, normal, inviting, and had blood and fury in her blood regardless. He watched as her fingers finished pouring the last drop before she tucked silky strands of pale gold behind her ear. Karen’s blue eyes were even clearer than his own, and they only settled on him when she was good and ready. 

He couldn’t decipher the emotion in them; Bullseye couldn’t decipher any emotion unless it was rage spilling from mouth, hot and vile. The madman never strayed, never hesitated, and never failed his mission. It was a given he would succeed, yet the Queenpin rewarded him the only way she could. Did a smile touch her lips? His own face did not shift with expression as her soft, warm fingers took him by the sculpted bone of his chin. Blue eyes met blue hues like two souls communicating.

 He must have had a soul because Karen Page saw something there she liked. She held him there for several moments in complete silence save for the soft hum of music in the background, perhaps emanating from her bedroom. The spell was broken when she released him and returned to her drink. His hands remained clasped at his back as Karen effortlessly moved to the skyline view her tower afforded and drank in the view of the city. He drank in the view of her. 

[rockislandadultreads]

Read Alikes: Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

The Marsh King’s Daughter by Karen Dionne

Helena Pelletier has a loving husband, two beautiful daughters, and a business that fills her days. But she also has a secret: she is the product of an abduction. Her mother was kidnapped as a teenager by her father and kept in a remote cabin in the marshlands of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Helena, born two years after the abduction, loved her home in nature, and despite her father’s sometimes brutal behavior, she loved him, too…until she learned precisely how savage he could be. More than twenty years later, she has buried her past so soundly that even her husband doesn’t know the truth. But now her father has killed two guards, escaped from prison, and disappeared into the marsh. The police begin a manhunt, but Helena knows they don’t stand a chance. Knows that only one person has the skills to find the survivalist the world calls the Marsh King - because only one person was ever trained by him: his daughter.

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng

So begins this exquisite novel about a Chinese American family living in 1970s small-town Ohio. Lydia is the favorite child of Marilyn and James Lee, and her parents are determined that she will fulfill the dreams they were unable to pursue. But when Lydia’s body is found in the local lake, the delicate balancing act that has been keeping the Lee family together is destroyed, tumbling them into chaos. A profoundly moving story of family, secrets, and longing, Everything I Never Told You is both a gripping page-turner and a sensitive family portrait, uncovering the ways in which mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and husbands and wives struggle, all their lives, to understand one another.

My Absolute Darling by Gabriel Tallent

At 14, Turtle Alveston knows the use of every gun on her wall. She knows how to snare a rabbit, sharpen a blade, and splint a bone. She knows that her daddy loves her more than anything else in this world and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep her with him. But she doesn’t know why she feels so different from the other girls at school; why the line between love and pain can be so hard to see. Or why making a friend may be the bravest and most terrifying thing she has ever done. Sometimes the people you’re supposed to trust are the ones who do most harm. And what you’ve been taught to fear is the very thing that will save you…

Let’s No One Get Hurt by Jon Pineda

Fifteen-year-old Pearl is squatting in an abandoned boathouse with her father, a disgraced college professor, and two other grown men, deep in the swamps of the American South. All four live on the fringe, scavenging what they can - catfish, lumber, scraps for their ailing dog. Despite the isolation, Pearl feels at home with her makeshift family: the three men care for Pearl and teach her what they know of the world. Mason Boyd, aka "Main Boy," is from a nearby affluent neighborhood where he and his raucous friends ride around in tricked-out golf carts, shoot their fathers' shotguns, and aspire to make Internet pranking videos. While Pearl is out scavenging in the woods, she meets Main Boy, who eventually reveals that his father has purchased the property on which Pearl and the others are squatting. With all the power in Main Boy's hands, a very unbalanced relationship forms between the two kids, culminating in a devastating scene of violence and humiliation.

[fangirl-ramblings]

Pairing: Charles Smith x Female Readee

Word Count: 3222

Summary: Love is in the air around camp, but has Cupid's arrow somehow missed you and Charles?

Notes: The fluffiest of fluff, Reader POV / Charles POV

This @rdr-secret-cupid gift is for one of my favourite people - @12timetraveler. My sincere apologies for this Valentine's / birthday present being so late, but hopefully it's well worth the wait 😘

~* Tumblr Masterlist | Stories on AO3 *~

Cupid's Arrow

Reader's POV

14th Feb 1899

You looked around to see Dutch sitting in his tent, whispering sweet nothings to Miss O'Shea while Sean was trying his hardest to win over Karen, whose icy demeanour was starting to thaw with each passing drink he was plying her with. Hell, even John had had a little too much to drink and summoned the courage to pick a small posy of flowers and present them to Abigail as a small Valentine's gift. 

You liked seeing the camp happy like this, all relaxed in each other's company; the likes of Javier and Tilly sitting next to each other as the former strummed on his guitar and filled the air with a sweet melody, or young Mary-Beth, enjoying the latest romance novel she acquired, only to tear her eyes away from the page to gaze lovingly towards an oblivious Arthur before continuing her story.

And while Micah's grumbling about it "not bein' right, someone like him talkin' to a fiiinnnne woman like her," as he watched young Lenny saying something to make Jenny giggle from across the way, was enough to for everybody to tell him to shut up, it certainly wasn't enough to dampen the mood around the place.

It was even nice to see Miss Grimshaw laugh and smile as she joined the older camp members in their reminiscences about previous Valentine's days with their own past loves, soon followed by raucous singing of filthy songs but as you took your makeshift seat of a crate at the poker table, you couldn’t but help feel Cupid’s arrow had struck everyone and somehow bypassed you. 

You had secretly hoped that Charles would have joined in with the party, but the minute Dutch wound up his gramophone Charles had disappeared into the woods to take his position on guard duty.

While you'd taken many opportunities to try to make conversation and try to get to know him better over the last few months, you still found him to be a man of few words - but you liked that about him. The camp was full enough of loud-mouthed characters like Sean and Uncle that any moment you found yourself sitting in a comfortable silence with Mr. Smith was bliss.

As the night drew on and more and more alcohol was heartly consumed by all, you felt your eyes growing heavy and couldn’t summon the energy to sing along with the lyrics of “The Louisville Maid”.

   "Well as fun as this is, I'm gonna call it a night," you announced to your campmates, knowing full well that nobody was really listening. You sighed as they were caught up in their merriment and headed towards your tent… only to walk straight into Charles.

   "Whoa, careful there," he told you, giving you a small smile as he placed those big, strong hands of his upon your arms to help stop you from falling over on the spot.

Your face burned as you felt your face grow redder and with each passing second as you enjoyed his gentle but firm touch, causing you to look away to avoid staring into those beautiful, deep brown eyes of his. You hoped that he thought your flushed appearance was a result of all the alcohol running through your veins and not the thought currently running  through your mind; what it would be like if he suddenly dipped and kissed you with a fervent passion?

   "Sorry Charles, I… I… I hadn't realised you'd finished your shift already. Want a drink?"

    "I'm okay, thank you, I was gonna try and get some sleep… and I think you should too - big day tomorrow isn't it?" Your brow furrowed as you tried to rack your brain. Had you arranged to go on a job and completely forgot? Charles watched you, with a confused look. "Oh, I thought you'd mentioned the other day that it was your birthday? Maybe I got it wrong?" 

   "Oh my word, yes it is," you gasped in wonderment, "I can't believe you remembered."

   "Guess I just have a good memory for special occasions," he grinned, brushing a loose hair from your face without thinking, making you weak at the knees.

He cleared his throat and moved his hand away. "Well we best both go get some shut eye before the sun comes up. Good night and sweet dreams." 

You watched him walk to his tent, before heading to your own. Still smiling to yourself, you drew the flaps shut and fell on the cot, relieving that brief moment you just had with Charles over and over as you closed your eyes and let sleep wash over you.

15th Feb 1899

As the sun beamed through the gaps of your tent, you woke up to a very different camp atmosphere compared to the night before. It was eerily quiet; with everybody still in bed, sleeping off the hangovers they'd given themselves at the party.

Deciding to make the most of having a quiet camp all to yourself, you sat yourself up and stretched - your muscles and joints aching in a way that made you laugh. Another year older today and your body was certainly reminding you of that fact with all the aches and pains you suddenly started feeling. 

A part of you doubted anybody else would be able to remember that today was your birthday but you smiled as you saw Mary-Beth hadn't forgotten; she'd wrapped a romance novel with one of her ribbons and left it on your trunk. Next to it was a little handwritten note from her, wishing you a very happy birthday and how "the way the heroine in this story reminds me of how you act around Charles, maybe if you read it you'll end up with your true love too. x"

You playfully rolled your eyes; ever the romantic, Mary-Beth had seen you gazing at Charles one day and decided you were destined to be together.

Pulling on some fresh clothes, you stepped outside and made your way towards the coffee pot, presuming nobody would have thought to wash it out and prepare it ready for the morning. Yet, to your surprise, you lifted it up to find it freshly brewed and still piping hot.

   “I figured everybody would be wanting some when they woke up,” Charles chuckled, walking behind you carrying some logs for the campfire.

   “I’d say; seems they all had a lot to celebrate,” you laughed, pouring yourself a cup. “You want one?” you asked, offering Charles the filled mug currently in your hand.

   “I’m okay thanks, I had one before I made a start on tidying the place up.” 

   “Oh trust me, I wouldn’t worry too much about that today - Grimshaw will have such a headache, she'll be far more focused on getting all the quieter jobs done," you giggled knowing from previous experience how badly Susan seemed to suffer from next morning hangovers.

He carefully placed the chopped wood next to the campfire before turning his attention back to you. "Oh I bet," he grinned, his eyes twinkling. "Actually, I have an idea that might help keep camp running smoothly and stop people grumbling.'

   "Oh?" Curiosity had gotten the best of you and you were intrigued to know what he was thinking.

   "I saw supplies were running low and was thinking of doing some hunting later… a good hearty stew might be what the others need to recover," rushing his words out before casting his eyes to the ground. "I, erm… I was wondering if you wanted to join me?"

   "What? Because I'm the only other person sober enough to safely use a weapon right now?" you teased. 

   "That's one reason, but I'd also like some good company." 

You stood gobsmacked as he turned away from you, quickly making his way over to Taima, pulling something from her saddle.

   "I… I'd like to spend time with you too, but I'm afraid my pistol is no good for hunting." You hung your head in disappointment, mentally kicking yourself that this could be your one chance to be alone with the man you'd admired for all these months - and you've lost it because you never took the time to invest in decent hunting equipment.

   "I can help you with that," Charles told you, pulling out an ornate looking bow and handing it to you. "I made it… for your birthday."

   "For me?" Shocked by his act of kindness, you traced your fingers over each of the detail engravings that ran along each of the limbs, tears starting to cloud your vision. "This is beautiful, but are you sure you mean to give this to me?"

   "Of course… a beautiful bow for a beautiful lady.” A sudden flash of fear crossed Charles’ eyes as he realised what he had just said, his body tensing.

   "You… think I'm beautiful?" Your eyes looking deep into his, searching for the truth.

He nodded. "The most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. If it's too awkward, we can just forget the hunting…"

He stopped mid-sentence as you kissed his cheek, his body relaxing as he realised he hadn't made a mistake in telling you.

   "It's not awkward at all, I've liked you for a long time but I could never work out if the feeling is mutual." You gently thumbed his cheek, "Let's go on this hunting trip and talk about this in private shall we?" You suggested as you signaled for Charles to see what you could see. 

Stood behind him was a small audience of John and Mary-Beth, both of whom were grinning over to you both. 

Charles playfully rolled his eyes and walked  you away from their gaze. 

   "Sounds like a good idea, wanna head out now?"

   "Lead the way Mr. Smith." You held out your hand and he gladly took hold.

   "Oh wait, you'll need some of these too" he reached back into his saddle to hand you a bunch of arrows… only to be confused as he heard you laughing.

    "What's so funny?" Charles asked, trying to read your expression.

   "Nothing… just looks like Cupid's arrows found me after all."

Charles' POV

14th Feb 1899

   “I’ll take over here if you want,” John grumbled, clutching his face as he approached where Charles was currently taking up guard duty in the wooded area on the outskirts of camp. “I reckon my Valentine's night is as good as over.”

Charles turned to face his campmate, the moonlight showing a fresh red looking handprint across John's cheek. "You blew it with Abigail then?"

   "Yep, I pushed my luck just a little too much," John chuckled lightly, "But I'm sure I'll  survive. Go on, you go enjoy yourself… I saw [y/n] looking all lonesome up there, she could probably do with some company."

John waggled his eyebrows as Charles pretended to scowl; alcohol had given him loose lips one night and he had ended up confiding in Arthur and John about his feelings about the camp lady he'd taken a shine to. But he couldn’t hold the expression for long as a smile crept over his lips he thought about you.

   "I'll probably just get some shut-eye instead, but I have been busy making this for her." He lifted up a beautiful bow that was resting against a nearby trunk. "It's her birthday tomorrow and she mentioned once she'd be interested in learning to hunt properly."

   "You're a big old softie, ain't you Charles Smith?" John chuckled. "Well, I'm sure she'll appreciate the thought."

   “Don’t you go ruining my reputation, John,” he laughed, making his way to the clearing where all the gang's horses grazed peacefully.

Taima looked up, nickering as she saw her owner nearby.

   “Just a passing visit for now girl, but we can go out on a ride tomorrow,” he whispered to her, stroking her neck as she nuzzled against him. “In the meantime, I want you to keep this safe for me.” Charles lifted his saddle onto the hitching post that Taima was attached to, and carefully placed the bow into the holster on it. She watched her owner with curiosity, her ears pricking up as heard Charles rummaging in his saddlebag to retrieve an apple to reward his trusted Appaloosa for her loyalty. 

The music was still playing as he walked back into camp, only this time it was Pearson’s accordion and Uncle’s banjo that filled the air as Miss Grimshaw sang a bawdy song. It was clear that the party wasn't ending anytime soon, but that wasn't going to stop Charles from trying to get some sleep. Heading towards his tent, he found himself looking around for a quick glance of his heart's desire, only for you to crash straight into him.

   "Whoa, careful there," he told you, gently placing his hands upon your arms to help stop you from falling over on the spot. He could have swore he felt a jolt of electricity flowing through his veins as his skin touched yours.

   "Sorry Charles, I… I… I hadn't realised you'd finished your shift already. Want a drink?"

    "I'm okay thank you, I was gonna try and get some sleep… and I think you should too - big day tomorrow isn't it?" A flash of confusion crossed your face and Charles began to doubt himself. "Oh, I thought you'd mentioned the other day that it was your birthday? Maybe I got it wrong?" 

   "Oh my word, yes it is," you gasped in wonderment. "I can't believe you remembered."

   "Guess I just have a good memory for special occasions," he grinned, brushing a loose hair from your face without thinking, before catching himself and moving his hand away.

Not really wanting the moment to be over but knowing he must tear himself away lest he stay admiring you all night, he cleared his throat. 

   "Well we best both go get some shut eye before the sun comes up. Good night and sweet dreams." 

Making the short walk back to his own tent,  his heart soared as he thought back over your reaction to him remembering your birthday. Now he couldn’t wait to see how you would react to your present.

Settling on his bed roll, he watched you draw your tent closed before allowing himself finally sleep and dream of you.

Charles found himself waking at the crack of dawn, just as the last few stragglers were stumbling towards their bedrolls . Realising he could effectively have the tranquillity of camp to himself,  he gladly jumped up and set about getting ready for a new day.

Firstly he made his way over to Pearson’s wagon to grab a few coffee beans and started brewing a fresh pot. Noticing the meat supplies were running dangerously low, Charles made a mental note to go out hunting later and wondered if this could be the ideal opportunity to ask the birthday girl to join him.

While he waited for that certain someone to wake up, he had already  stoked the fires back to life and disposed of the empty bottles that were scattered all around camp before finally enjoying a short break with a fresh cup of coffee.

It wasn't until he had made a start on chopping wood he had heard footsteps behind him and smiled to himself as he looked over to see [y/n] making her way over to the coffee pot.

   “I figured everybody would be wanting some when they woke up,” Charles chuckled, walking up to her with an armful of logs for the campfire.

   “I’d say; seems they all had a lot to celebrate,” she laughed in that sweet way that made Charles’ feel all warm inside as she poured a cup. “You want one?” asking as she offered the mug in her hand towards him.

   “I’m okay thanks, I had one before I made a start on tidying the place up," he explained, walking over towards where the chopped wood was to be stored.

   “Oh trust me, I wouldn’t worry too much about that today - Grimshaw will have such a headache, she'll be far more focused on getting all the quieter jobs done,"

Charles chuckled as he carefully placed the firewood down before realising this was his chance and turned his attention back to you.

   "Oh I bet," grinning with a twinkle in his eyes. "Actually, I have an idea that might help keep camp running smoothly and stop people grumbling.'

   "Oh?" you asked, tilting your head with curiosity.

He had noticed in the past that each time you asked a question about something that had piqued your interest, you would often tilt your head in this way and found it utterly adorable.

   "I was thinking of doing some hunting later… a good hearty stew might be what the others need to recover," Charles rushed his words out before looking away bashfully. "I, erm… I was wondering if you wanted to join me?"

   "What? Because I'm the only other person sober enough to safely use a weapon right now?" she smirked, and he felt his insides flip-flop. She was so damn beautiful.

   "That's one reason, but I'd also like some good company," he told her, quickly turning to go fetch the bow from Taima’s saddle.

    "I… I'd like to enjoy your company too, but I'm afraid my pistol is no good for hunting." She lowered her head in what seemed to be disappointment.

   "I can help you with that," Charles told her, carefully placing the bow in her hands. "I made it….for your birthday."

   "For me?" He watched as she traced her fingers over the engravings he spent so much time on, hoping the tears brimming in her eyes were because she was overjoyed. "This is beautiful… but are you sure it's for me?"

   "Of course… a beautiful bow for a beautiful lady.” He kicked himself inwardly for saying it aloud, 

   "You… think I'm beautiful?" Your eyes looking deep into his, searching for the truth.

He nodded. "The most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. If it's too awkward, we can just forget the hunting…"

He stopped mid-sentence as you kissed his cheek. The feeling of embarrassment replaced by one feeling like he could soar into the sky right now.

   "It's not awkward at all, I've liked you for a long time but I could never work out if the feeling is mutual." Gently thumbing his cheek, you suggested, "Let's go on this hunting trip and talk about this in private shall we?"

He followed your gaze to see Mary-Beth and John grinning at you both as they stood by their tents. 

Playfully rolling his eyes, Charles guided you away from their gaze. 

   "Sounds like a good idea, wanna head out now?"

   "Lead the way Mr. Smith." You held out your hand and he gladly took hold.

   "Oh wait, you'll need some of these too" he reached back into his saddle to hand you a bunch of arrows… only to be confused as he heard you laughing.

    "What's so funny?" Charles asked, hoping thewhole entire moment wasn't a set up so camp could make fun of him

   "Nothing… just looks like Cupid's arrows found me after all"