#Just..ugh whatever IM SHUTTING UP NOW IM SHUTTING UP. THERES REASONS I WILL HAVE CERTAIN IDEAS ABOUT HIM IM JUST SAYING. BUDDY...

[lesbianraskolnikov]

I will read more books i promise though i cannot say if id talk as much as i do this.

[howljenky]

I have a few things to say thats been circling in my mind a lot.

The reduction and watering down of the word Femme to mean Feminine woman, not even lesbian as i saw bi ppl use it as well, and straigh women use it as well, as an empowering feminine word that completly disregard the culture of the word, made me ocasionally think to myself "ugh i hate being called a femme" and made me have life crises in which i forget what Femme stands for, because i have no map for it, and noone to cling to, and teach me, and remind me, that i exist in this world to love butches. The loneliness i feel is tearing me apart. More under cut.

Feminine women saw the word femme, and decided femmes are trying to replicate heterosexuality, that femmes are selfish, and close minded, and "exclusuonists", and they took this word for themselves to preach about how good femme4femme relationships are, how ignorant and misogynistic we were for not choosing to date other feminine women, and for replicating heterosexuality, they took it and trampled over us for not being progressive, for choosing to date the ugly mean dykes. And this is it, this is the reason they did it. Their hatered for butches and masculine women.

This hatered is why terms like "soft butch" exists, this is why everyone tells butches they can be feminine if they want to, while pissing and dissing on the butches that reject every form of feminity, calling them links to toxic masculinity, calling them predatory, and mean, and cold hearted, and cheaters, and emotionally closed off, in our own lesbian community no less, which come to bite femmes in the ass as well for choosing to date such "heartless bastards", to the point you take the word femme from us to "save us" or whatever is going through their minds, while also telling everyone a characteristic of being a lesbian is to be soft masculine. They want that "soft androgyny" aesthetic, masculine women to at least have a feminine thing about them, as if butches are still obliged by the police to have 3 women garments on themselves like in our past culture, but not to be too feminine, because then u have to date other feminine lesbians, or fall into this category of lesbians that are being asked "so why dont you just date a man?" Because people just cannot get through their thick skulls that lesbians have NOTHING to do with men. Not too feminine, because feminity is men's.

So alright, they hate the butches, and they "reclaimed" femme from those who stay with the butches. And it is good for them! They can use the word femme as they please, while continuing to compare butches to men and out relationship to a straight one. But what does that mean for the butchfemme culture?

It directly harms out community. We cannot find eachother that easily anymore. I see the word femme and instead of being estatic that i am not alone in this world, I get wary and confused, to the point that I dont even search for femmes like me anymore. Im okay alone as well, as long as i have the attention of butches. The word femme made me so distant of its meaning, that only butches can pull me out of it and remind me just why i exist and what i am fighting for, just by existing in the same space as them. But they have it hard too. On top of all the hate, from straight people and from the lgbt+ community and even from the lesbian comunity, they have a hard time finding femmes to truly understand them, and love them, and be patient with them as well. The rings of this community falls so thight and it always feels like its getting smaller and smaller instead of larger. Consciously or not, the pressure and hatered we get drives us away from ourselves. The pressure of finding femmes like me, the disappointment i get often of not being understood by fellow lesbians drove me away from them. It's just butches i can rely onto. For lesbians and for other members of the lgbt community, this makes me an exclusionist, a demon, a bad person.

The lack of media representation is a problem here as well. No straight person wants to see an old mean dyke on the screen, so they don't put them. They don't put them so that they won't turn to "stereotypical lesbians". They don't put them because they hate them. The lesbian representation is few as it is, but it is all feminine women, or femme4femme as the others with no regard to the butchfem community chose to name it. This mainly is to appeal to the male gaze, so that no man would feel threatened by someone more masculine than them. In this world, not even lesbians, who exclude men, can never separate from them entirely. Butches get compared to men, femmes are put in a box of feminity for the male gaze, and both being called a heterosexual replica, a second hand straight couple, by everyone. No wonder it took so long for me to even know what i was. And who i was. Where could i have seen myself, if there were no femmes on the screen? How would i have known who i love if there arent any butches in media? If it hadnt been for my then-friend and now unapologetical butch girlfriend, i wouldn't have read stone butch blues, and then i wouldnt have read all the other books, and i wouldnt have gotten myself in that thight spot in the small community, and i would have still be lost and lonely. Now i am just lonely, but not lost.

This lack of representation also makes everyone go along with internet trends, and not getting documented on the culture. They go along with what the others say, because theres barely any place to learn about this and to fully capture its essence and meaning. We are silenced, and deemed not worthy to be heard, because of modernised times, and changes in meanings, and being regressive. But my love for butches is an act of revolution against everyone that might call me selfish, or straight, a fake persona, and its not lower than the other non-aligned lesbians.

This is why I am still an unapologetical Femme. I am a femme, because of the feminine women around me invalidating my identity with calling themselves femme. I am femme, because of loving butches. I am femme because i exist to love and cherish and respect butches. I am femme because when everyone hates butches, where else would they go? Where is their home? Where are they fully accepted? Unconditionally? Where are butches allowed to be masculine without getting bashed for it? Who understands how butches love? Who desires them, without sexualising them?

I am femme because i am a home to butches. I am femme because, regardless of what others say, my femininity still isnt for men, and never will be. I am femme because i want change. I am femme because until butches get accepted as they are, unconditionally and without a doubt, i am not accepted either, and i refuse to get accepted without them. I am femme, until the day i see myself on the screen, until i see my lovers on the screen, until i see our love accepted and beyond that. I am a femme because i want to leave a piece of my love for butches on earth. I am femme because i want to teach, and be heard. My femme-ness doesnt sit in my feminity alone. Femme is liberating, and secure, not restaining, and forced.

I have so much else to say, but this is getting ridiculously long, and all over the place, but these were my thoughts. I desire for a day in which i could be understood. Of course, these thoughts are coming from an easter european mindset, as of where there isnt any representation, zero knowledge on the matter, post-comminist country in which lgbt people need to still hide in certain situations. I am angry at the world's view of the word femme, and what it got to mean these days. I am angry at the hatered towards butches. I am angry and i will not shut up about it anymore.

All i am asking is. Educate yourself. Be conscious of words and what they mean. Respect us. Stop making up new words for every single thing. Futch isnt real guys. Thats all.

.

Terfs and transmysoginists and any other fucker that dares to think this post doesn't include trans women fuck off. Trans butches, studs and trans femmes are always loved and welcomed here. Racists fuck off as well, you arent needed.

[nie7027]

Super5 headcanons part 4

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3  Part 4   Part 5

And thats how they found themselves one saturday morning in the parking lot of the closest mall with no idea how to go about this

Hatori, who already regretted this, was regretting it even more when he noticed how crowded the place was "so... What do we do if someone recognizes him as the prime minister kidnapper? "

"We have come before and no one has recognized us so far..." said shibata a little hesitant "what makes you think this time it would be different?"

"Well i dont know...how about the fact it was internationally televised"

"So were you destroying that army helicopter" quipped Shimazaki from behind "if you are so scared you shouldnt have come"

"Who do you think is gonna pay for your shit dumbass?!"

"Did i ask you to do it?" Shimazakis glasses were obscuring his eyes but the glare was evident "I am the one forced to come. I DONT NEED YOU-"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP" Minegishi yelled before Shimazaki could say anything further "Hatori! we have gone through this before. Everything willl be fine and if it isnt then we'll deal with it and Shimazaki no one is forcing you to do this! we talked and you accepted, you cant turn back now"

When both of them kept quiet Minegishi thanked god(gods? Whoever was in charge of his stupid life) for it and rubbed his temples, a headache already threatenint its way

Although Shimazaki had been mostly right in saying they forced him to come they would never give him the reason

Besides its not like he couldnt transport away at any moment. If he was here it was because at some level he actually wanted and it was enough for them.

"Cmon guys, people are starting to stare" Shibata, bless him, decided to take charge at that instant and ushered them inside

"So...where do we start? " said Hatori wearily glancing at the different stores there were

"How about we start by replacing his jacket?" mused Shibata "i think its the item that attracts attention the most"

"Whats wrong with my jacket?"

"It has bullet holes"

"And scorching marks"

"Scorch marks? That fucking kid..."

"You didnt notice? It used to have blood stains too but they were gone after i washed it...was it even yours?"

"How would i know?"

The three men sighed at this before minegishi spoke "Okay...that settles it then. Well start by the jacket"

"Oh how about we get him a sweater? I actually need some myself and they are in offer!" said Hatori excitedly pointing at the store where he usually bought his

"Im sorry man but someone needs to tell you...your taste in sweaters suck" admitted Shibata making Shimazaki snicker

"Says the guy who only wears shorts and nike t shirts"

"IM A GYM INSTRUCTOR"

"So? Why does everybody need to know at all times?"

Minegishi, for the second time that day. interrupted the fight between his friends "Im sorry Hatori but Shibatas right"

"What?" asked Hatori feeling betrayed

"I mean...the pigeon sweater?"

"Oh for the lord of-You know what? FINE! Whatever! I dont care! But thats a start and none of you have a better idea." Hatori smirked knowing he was right when the others didnt said anything "Besides he is going to pick his clothes so you dont have to worry about my "horrible taste" and fuck you guys, that sweater was awesome"

Shimazaki watched amused the exchange that followed while they walked to the supoosed sweater store. It remind him of the reason he accepted coming.

He was getting used to these petty fights and actually found them kind of funny.

Maybe coming wasnt as bad of a idea as it felt at first

Maybe it was

"So do you like the burgundy one?" asked Shibata when he noticed Shimazaki finally picked something

"Whats burgundy?" replied Shimazaki who had only grabbed something that felt soft

"Its kind of like red...but darker"

"Shibata I dont know what red is"

"Oh...thats....thats sad man"

Minegishi facepalmed before picking more red sweaters and handing them to Shimazaki "Red is actually the color of the t shirt you are wearing so it's close to your current style. Here. These are red too just...try them out and see if you like any"

"I cant believe i forgot he cant see" said Shibata while Shimazaki went to dressing room

"It happens to best of us" responded Minegishi

Some minutes later Shimazaki returned with 2 sweaters including the burgundy he had picked

"So how did it go?" asked minegishi retrieving the sweaters from Shimazakis hands

"They felt soft"

"And?"

"And....what?" this was new fo Shimazaki and he didnt know what answer were they expecting

"How did the fit? How did you feel the neck? The chest?"

" they just fitted"

"Really?" shibata checked the tags "these are two sizes apart. Didnt one feel too loose or too tight?"

Shimazaki tried to remember but he didnt actually paid attention to that.

Luckily for him Hatori decided that moment to come back.

"Hey guys how its going? I talked with the cashier and he said that theres a 2x1 offer. So we can-oh, you already got 2? How did you know?"

He wasnt expecting the others to shrug

"Okay..." continued Hatori "Are you finished? I already got mine"

"Do you want those?" Minegishi asked and sighed when the other man kept silence

Shimazaki didnt know. Sure, they have felt nice but so did his current clothes. Besides minegishi was asking if he "wanted" them and Shimazaki wasn't used to actually considering if he wanted them. Usually there wasnt many options.

"How did you pick your clothes?" tried Shibata

it was shimazakis turn to shrug "I just robbed them and kept what fitted"

"What? Who did you rob to get your current clothes" said Hatori surprised "i thought you had this aesthethic going"

"What?"

" You know like bad boy style. Kinda like grease"

"What"

"Grease? The musical-"

"ANYWAY" interrupted Minegishi "we are barely starting. Lets try somewhere else"

After that they went to other stores to try other clothes but each time the same scene of shimazaki, being unconfortable and not caring that much for what they picked, repeated and Shibata was having none of that.

He pulled Shimazakis arm turning him back. "Okay, man. From the clothes you are wearing right now. Which one do you actually like?"

It took shimazaki a full minute to answer but he finally said "The jacket"

Without thinking it twice Shibata dragged him to the first leather jacket store he saw, the others following close behind and scanned the items looking for a model that resembled Shimazakis the most.

Minegishi who had been looking at the tags glanced back to shibata "Are you sure about this? These are really expensive"

Shibata didnt reply and kept looking until he found what he wanted and smiliing turned to shimazaki"Take off your jacket and try this"

Shimazaki did as he said (and almost suceed at hiding the apprehesion Shibata had seen before when handing his jacket) and frowned when he put on the other. "Did you just hand me back my jacket again?"

Shibatas smile grew wider "Nop"

Shimazaki didnt believe him so he started to feel around for the bullet holes he knew were in the back and "stared" in disbelief when he couldnt find any of them.

Shibata resisted the urge to laugh "If you dont believe me check the sides. It has pockets"

"Maybe i never noticed mine had pockets" said Shimazaki stuffing his hands into the new pockets

"Sure man" shibata looked at the others "What do you think?"

"What am i suppsed to think? He looks exactly the same" said Hatori "At least this one isnt falling apart"

" Are you sure? Did you looked at the price" asked Minegishi again

Shibata glanced back at a now pouting Shimazaki who still had his hands stuffed inside the pockets and nodded "Its not like i will be broke if I buy it"

Shibata returned Shimazaki his old jacket and after paying for the new one he and the others gathered around Shimazaki

"Now shimazaki. Your pants"

"What about them?"

" what dont you like about your pants?"

Shimazaki looked offended "who said i dont like my pants?"

"You. You said it was the jacket what you liked the most and not the pants so theres sometjing about tjem you dont like" pointed out Minegishi

"Is the tightness isnt it?" Hatori asked with a smirk

"I actually like the tightness" deadpanned shimazaki and then looked like something disgusting crossed his mind but Hatori started screaming

"AH CMON! IM NOT BUYING HIM SLUTTY SKIN TIGHT LEATHER PANTS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE WILL HAVE TO GO-"

Minegishi covered hatoris mouth with his hand shutting him definitely "what did you think?"

"I liked shibatas clothes" Shimazaki reluctantly grumbled out

"AND THATS ANOTHER POINT FOR THE NIKE SHORTS GUY" bragged Shibata

"I liked Minegishis socks too"

"Wha-When did you use my socks?"

Shimazaki shrugged "That week you were hiding with them"

"You little piece of-"

They went to buy those and other clothes they deemed necesary ("STOP BEING CHILDREN YOU TWO. HE NEEDS UNDERWEAR TOO" yelled an embarrased Minegishi after the others laughed at him for suggesting it). Trying to get at least 2 items of each type of clothes

Eventually Shimazaki admitted he had liked the sweaters he tried first too and Hatori gladly bought them even though none of them correctly fitted (one was too tight and one was too loose)

With bags in hands they set out to leave and were talking about what to eat when Hatori cut it "Hey guys. Before we go i need to go to the bethroom!"

"Cant you wait till we go to eat?"

"If i could i would"

"Ugh fine. Do you even know where the bathroom is?

"There are six. Two in each floor. the closest to us in the middle, we passed it some minutes ago." shimazaki unexpectly said

Minegishit, shibata and Hatori stared baffled at him.

"How do you know...?"

"Mental eye?" said Shimazaki like it was the most obvious thing in the world "Theres so many people that I basically can see a complete map of the mall"

"Yeah but how do you know when you are seeing a bathroom?" asked curiously Hatori

The three of them started laughing when Shimazaki refused to answer

While they waited for Hatori Shibata glanced around and almost smacked himself in the head when he noticed certain store.

With all the drama of the clothes Shibata had completely forgotten the real reason they were here. Luckily for him it was in front of them

"LOOL GUYS! A PET STORE!"

Minegishi looked to where Shibata pointed and hummed "we could go look around while we wait"

"Why would we-" Shibata pulled again shimazakis arm not letting him finish his question and dragged him inside the store.

'Please let it be one of those stores please let it be one of those stores' kept repeating Shibata in his head until Minegishi pointed at one side of the store "Look, they have a pet zone"

Victory! "Lets go!"

Shimazaki followed Minegishi and Shibata to the far end of the store where a lots of kids were and stood awkwardly not knowing what to do when Shibata suddenly handed him a little ball of fur.

Heartbeats. Blood flowing. Breaths. Warm. Soft. Oh no.

When Hatori finally found them after searching for minutes it was to the scene of Shimazaki sitting on the floor the floor, face being licked by one of the five puppies sitting on his lap....Was he crying? (No he wasnt but it was close)

Minegishi and Hatori were loudly gasping while Shibata kept saying variations of "I told you guys!" "You didnt believe me"

It was a good day for Shibata.

At night Minegishi. And Shimazaki were facing a new problem he hadnt considered. Where would they put Shimazaki stuff?

"I thought you could use my wardrobe but its too small..." minegishi had forgotten how much of a space his uniforms occuped.

Shimazaki suddenly dissapeared and after some minutes teletransported back with some boxes and ignored when Minegishi asked him from where did he got them "People use boxes to store things. We can use them"

"I guess? But it will be a hassle to pile and unpile them whenever-I have an idea"

without further ado Minegishi activated his powers and with the plants and the boxes built and cabinet of sorts in tje licing room "This will have to do for a while"

They spent the rest of the night folding the clothes (more like Minegishi trying to teach Shimazaki how to do it) and then went to sleep.

Since Shimazaki was overpowered by a bunch of puppies(YEAH SHIBATA YOU WERE RIGHT WE WERE WRONG CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP), Hatori decided something must have broken inside him because he developed a new habit: He started to pet every dog he encountered

And "Encountered" was a way to put it

After the third scream that afternoon Hatori shaked his head while waiting for the man to come back

"SHIMAZAKI FOR THE LAST TIME STOP POPPING OUT OF NOWHERE"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE YOU SCARE THE SHIT OUTTA PEOPLE!"

"So?"

Hatori groaned dragging his hands along his face and then turned to walk away /flee the scene

" I knew we should have stayed back in the apartment playing videogames"

"I told you I didnt want to come" shimazaki whined

Hatori just glared at him and walked faster not caring whether the bastard followed him or not. Why was he stuck babysitting Shimazaki on his off day? Oh yeah, minegishi was working and Shibata...fuck shibata! How could he forget his wallet "well, you wouldnt have had to come if you had accepted to take him his wallet"

Shimazaki somewhat got offended by that "Iike some kind of delivery guy? What a waste of my powers. Besides if i had taken it to him he wouldnt have invited us to dinner"

"Okay. First of all delivery guys are the foundation of modern society and you should respect them and second SHIBATA DIDNT INVITE YOU YOU INVITED YOURSELF"

Shimazaki just shrugs "so? Its shibata! He always pays for me"

"Aaaand the manchild cant see why thats wrong" hatori mutters

"Hatori Im blind"shimazaki deadpans

"YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT-"

Shimazaki who was clearly ignoring Hatori perks up "Hes coming"

"Who is-?" hatori doesnt need to ask once he sees shibata giant form turning the corner ahead

"Hi guys!" Shibata greets waving at them .

Hatori hesitantly waves back "Shibata? What are you doing here? Didnt you have a class?"

"Boss had an emergency and we had to close early"

"Oh damn i hope it wasnt something serious-"

"WHO CARES? CAN WE GO ALREADY?" shimazaki whines

Shibata laughs and pats him on the back "Shimazaki! buddy, Im glad you came!"

Hatori rolls his eyes "the only reason he came was the food. He didnt even want you bring your wallet to you which reminds me" he takes out the wallet and gives it to him " you left it on the kicthen counter"

Shibata takes it and smiles "thank you man, you are the best!...so where do you guys want go?"

Shimaza was already opening his mouth to declare what he wanted when hatori pointed at accusatory finger at him "oh no! Dont even dare! Minegishi and Shibata spoil you enough"

Shibata frowned at him "We dont spoil him-"

Hatori turned to look at him with a face that said 'You gotta be kidding me' "YES YOU DO! He picked the last two times and I already had to deal with his bullshit all day so today I get to pick where we go!" hatori crossed his arms "besides it was me who brought the wallet"

"What? No! The places you pick are lame." shimazaki explaimed "shibata tell him!"

"Im sorry bud, he has a point there. You picked the last two times and its only fair he gets to pick today"

Shibata had to resist the laugh at seeing shimazaki sulk and Hatori stuck his tongue out at him.

After hatori proclaimed where he wanted to got they started to walk in that direction. Shibata carefully observed Hatori.

"So...what did shimazaki do to make you mad like that?" asked Shibata after a few minutes of walking

"He scared three persons on our way here" mumbled Hatori while he texted on his phone

"Three persons?" shibata looked back at shimazaki who walked behing with his hands in his pockets "Why?!"

Shimazaki shrugged "Its not my fault people are so easy to scare"

Not undertanding shibata turned to hatori confused

Hatori sigued and without looking from his phone he replied "He is doing again that thing where he teleports to pet nearby dogs"

Shibata groaned "Buddy! We have told you already theres no need to teletransport, you can just walk up to them and ask the owner if you can pet their dog"

Shimazaki rolled his eyes "Wheres the fun in that?"

"The fun is in the fact i wouldnt have to run 3 different times in less than 1 hour because of you" hissed Hatori finnally pocketing his phone

"Besides" picked Shibata " You cant go around petting peoples dogs"

"Huh? Why not?" rebuked Shimazaki "All dogs like to be petted!"

"Because you have to ask the owners permission first you dingus! Some people dont like to be molested "

"And there are some special dogs who shouldnt be petted or they get distracted from their duty "

"Oh! I heart about that-"

"They are dogs" Shimazaki snapped "What duty could dogs possibly have?"

Both men turned to him surprised "You dont know? You must know"

"About what?" answered Shimazaki

"Service dogs? You know...Dogs that help blind people? "

"What?"

Thats how they spend dinner explaining to shimazaki about service dogs

Later that night when a text from Minegishi saying "Who was the idiot who told Shimazaki about service dogs??" came they both ignored it

Feeling guilty for letting Minegishi crush Shimazakis dreams of having a dog after being the ones who told him in the first place, Hatori and Shibata arranged a day to accompany Shimazaki to pet dogs.

Susprinsingly the man had listened to them and stopped popping besides every person who walked their dog and instead waited for Hatori or Shibata to let him know when he could pet the dog.

Due to how complicated that was they soon found a solution: stray dogs were free of hassle even if they were more difficult to find.

"You know? The day he tries to keep one of them we will be in big trouble" mussed Hatori after Shimazaki dissapeared probably finding another stray

"i dont know. Minegishi was very harsh." Shibata laughed remebering that day " I doubt hell try it anytime soon"

Hatori hummed "Do you think hell stay there this time or wil he bring it-"

As in cue Shimazaki reappered, a dirty bundle of black hair in his arms "I got it! It was behind some trash bags"

Both men stared at the strange looking ball of fur, dread setting in their stomachs.

"S-Shimazaki...Buddy... I dont think thats a dog" said Shibata slowly backing away

"What do you mean-" the thing decided that moment to turn its head and reveal its masked eyes.

It was a raccoon.

It bit Shimazakis arm.

"AHHH STUPID SHIT" Shimazaki screamed and quickly trew the damn thing

"AHHHHHHHH" the damn thing, now a blur of claws and fangs, unfortunately landed on Hatoris head.

"Shimazaki help me here-AHHHH" screamed shibata when he tried to rip the beast from Hatoris face

Shimazaki just teleported away.

By the time the raccoon finally jumped and scurried away both Hatori and Shibata were covered in scratches and bleeding from different parts.

"He is gonna pay...Im gonna make him pay" muttered Hatori while cleaning his glasses.

"I think we should go to the hospital first..."

Originally shimazaki was gonna mistake a cat for a dog but a racoon sounded funnier.

Did you know you rarely see stray dogs in Japan because people immediately report them? Or at least thats what my japanese teachers told me.

I know this is like a month later but i had difficulties writing this...ngl the por reception the 3rd part had kinda bummed me BUT i love these guys too much and dont want to stop writing this so im okay now.

Besides in the meantime i wrote for my fics! College funds chapter 2 is up now and so is my newest fic Mother's day! You should check them out. Ive been writing a the good place au for mp100 too but i havent posted it yet.

Anyway! Hope you liked this (Dont listen to them Hatori, your sweater are great)and see you next part because where we will finally reach THE PRANK so be ready for it and some feels

(i was gonna include it in this part but it was already too large and i decided to rearrange some stuff)

Im posting this again because tumblr sucks and posted the first version as a quote that even i cant see

[onisrn]

Right so im aboutta rant and maybe just write out possibly all my thoughts here from the past week okay cue:

So lets start from where i amn right now. Im in self care mood: Ive got the salt lamp and my bedside lamp on, my pink faiyrlights on, my scented Yankjee candle lighted, a mug of milky mint hot chocolate next to the laptop, my room smells of vanilla because i put on that air freshener thing (the one that you plug in), Ive got sami yusuf playing (Inna fil jannati). The reason for my self-care-y-ness: i was feeling real bad about the past and how i let certain people just idk you know what im on about see the last post (mahena).

So thats what was bothering me when i came home. My friends whjo i told (komal and zaynab reza) were so incredibly nice to me and i miss them so much (zbr is in isloo but yk still) and i wish we met each day lijke we used to and i wish i valued them more and i wish i valued the people who care about me and not fiocus on the bad stuff from yuears ago so much. anyway im good nbow. inshallah.

honestly man teenagers do not get enough credit for the stuff we go through. like not me per se i guess i bgvecame kinda strong after olevels and decided to get my priorities right and stuff and majorly that was because of my religiousd family. but what about the other people my age? like just all the hoprmones and the mood swings that are not your fault. and the crushes (wqait for it. next to next para) and the just trying to figure out who you are and stru8ggling eith confidence and choosing what you want to do in life and friends and all that drama asnd insecurities and man just growing up. and then theres the added like boyfriends and what not who dont have religion or who are in families where its fine or whatever. like mahena hgerself must be going through/havwe gone through quite some ish like boyfriend and friends and rama and boys that like you zand dealing with them and all that crtap and peer pressure and its so much harder to not do gunahs depending on who you hang out with and the studoes are so difficukt and stressful and the responsibiulities and it’s not fun being too young for some thingsd and too old for some ugh teenagers deserve more credit man. but evrrything becomes a hundred thousand times better when i knowe that i hgave allah and the imams and the prophet and quran. but what about those who dont have that connection with allah and they dont know to develop it? im blessed that im from a religious family and i was fortunate enough top get my priorities kinda right but wehat about the poeople who dont have relihgion or allah? i honestlyt dont understand how pople can function or survive e=ven a second without having that “there is something greater than this” feeling. I feel so bad for people my age i love thjem so much theyre so dstrong  ❤ (ok i dont love them i hate ppl my age but yk we dont get credit asnd we go tyhrough some ish that we just need to get through ourselves in most cases opr take advice from friends our age whop also dont reaslly know what theyre on about)

honestkly man i feel like if someone needs a soulmate at any age its when youre a teenager. youre just going through so much and all alone. sometimes you just need someone wholl loisten to y7ou and give you advice and who you know wont judge you and who your insecurities shut up with. Like yeah i know youre too young to be married in all senses and have kids etc etc and ypouire not mature enough to choose who you sopend the rest of your life with but like, skipping all that if you find the person somehow and tehyre perfect for u etc etc then it would just be so cool to have someone at this age idk i feel. anyway this got weird **I dont want to get married right now disclaimer disclaimer**

ok on a totally unrelated topiuc theres this guy in both business and econ and i really dont want to talk about it or itllk drill it in more gut yeah theres really nothing to tell. theres this guy in biz and econ whos kinda cute not hot like cute in a cute lil boy way its quite endearing but yeah you guessed it i maybe kinda like idk idek why 

you know what? since we came back from iran sometimes I’ll be in class (business. it’s boring and the last class so i be tired) so while im in class sometimes ill start crying (not all out, like no one sees me (I hope)) because i just want be there sdo bad. first ot was iran, qom, but now i want to go to karbala so badly i just die to go there ive never wanted to be there so bad away from this worldy life i want to go to the land thats a piece of jannah i want to be away from this worldy fickle life i want to be close to my imams i dont mind if its karbala or even iran or umrah i have a poster of imam husayn’s haram in my room and i look at it and cry and i have the Karbala chgannel thing on snapchat and they keep posting snaps where theres just standing in the middle of baynul haramayn and the dome in front and people walking by and i want to be there so bad my heart breaks and yearsn to be there but icant go there at least till june because the cruel CIE people kept one last small 1 hpour MCQs exam way in June so that my exams are just hanging in the air not dfinished until that dratted paper and im stuck here anyway probably for the better buyt i want to be there so bad i cant express it 

today i was reading in mikyal what it will be like when the imam comes and he will call out to the people in th emiddle opf the night and theyll be in worship or asleep and theyll hear him and will all reach Makkah and i want that so bad but im scared what if i falter at the last minute what if im not strong enough what if i lose sight of the ultimate goal that is Allah what is my own worldly desires cloud my vision what if I’m not strong enough Im so scaswred fopr that time man all my sins will cpount against me i so scared i wont be on my side im so scared ill falter at the last minute or pride of my deeds will cloud up my vision or make everyuthing worthless im so scared what if i falter