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beevean · 5 months ago

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This scene was supremely uncomfortable to write.

A certain vampire hunter named Belmont had stepped foot into Wallachia. Hector had never heard of such a clan, but Lord Dracula hissed the name with hefty wariness, and every creature in the room knew that he was no trifling meat to mince: this Belmont could be a genuine danger to the castle. Isaac had noticed him, apparently, and eagerly reported the news to their Lord like a dog bringing a stick and expecting a treat in return.

In that moment, Hector knew. He had to prove himself.

It was not hard for him to enter back in Lord Dracula’s good graces. A few apologies that meant nothing, a couple of languid smiles that cracked his lips, and it was as if their last “conversation” had never happened. He kept his promise. Hector had always been special to his Lord, after all.

As his chewed, dried out remains laid there, cast away as he had fulfilled his purpose, the one thing that pushed him on his feet and dragged him through the vast hallways was the mirage of the forest stretched for miles.

He wanted to die so much.

No. One step further. He had to live for a little longer. Death would not take his soul so long as Lord Dracula held his leash; Hector would not allow it. After he had broken his leash, anything could happen to him. He would die soon, that much was certain; at his Lord’s hands, under the jaws of his loyal hound, or because eventually his body would give up on him. But as long as his grave could be a shallow hole in the forest, far from the enormous castle that used to be his home, he could take another step.

(I’m yours, he had sworn. He did not feel guilty for lying to his Lord, for leaving the kiss of Judah on his blood-caked hand. I can handle the Belmont myself, he had promised. He did not feel guilty for going behind Isaac’s back and taking away the one chance for him to prove himself. He was the lowest kind of sinner: it was what he was born for. He, too, could devour them to the bone. They would both be proud of him.)

« Don’t you look at me like that, » seethed Isaac. Hector started: when did he get back to his room? He didn’t notice himself applying healing oil on his neck. « I asked you a question. »

Hector wasn’t even looking at him, really. He just happened to be in the way of his gaze.

« I wasn’t listening, » he mumbled, hoping that Isaac would leave him alone and knowing he wouldn’t. And right as expected, everything fell into place: Isaac’s cutting glare, the tensing of his shoulders, the smell of a storm approaching. Hector had played the script one too many times.

« Of course you weren’t. Why would you? »

« Don’t start, Isaac. »

« Or what? Are you going to cry to Lord Dracula that I upset you? »

« I’m not being the child here. »

« Excuse me? » Isaac bristled. « Who gave you the right to speak to me this way? »

« According to your logic, Lord Dracula. »

At that, Isaac lunged at him; Hector flinched, body ready to receive a slap, but when he opened his eyes, he saw that Isaac had stopped in an awkward position, with his arm half-raised and teeth bared in a snarl.

Hector was less than grateful for Lord Dracula’s distant protection on his body. He wanted that slap, now. Not to make Isaac happy in his misery, but because it would break one of the many walls between them.

The man’s attention was caught by the fresh bites on Hector’s throat; he had a knack for spotting them, unless Hector buttoned his collar so tight that it clasped on his neck. Now, slick with ointment, they were in full display, the ghost of Lord Dracula hovering between the two of them.

Perhaps, the more he bit them, the more part of himself he infused in their bloodstream. Perhaps that was the reason Isaac passed a thumb on Hector’s scars, with an ugly mixture of scorn and fascination.

(What did that make of Hector?)

« I’m surprised you haven’t dropped dead yet, with how often our Lord feeds from you, » Isaac commented with the impression of aloofness.

« Why do you care? » One last chance.

« What does your blood have that mine doesn’t? »

Hector pursed his lips.

Interpreting his silence the Lord knew how, Isaac replied to it by jamming a long nail in a particularly sore bruise; Hector hissed, and his hand slapped Isaac’s away before he could think of doing so.

And the fuse went off.

« Stop looking at me like that! » Isaac’s face went as red as his hair. « Like I’m not worth a damn! Just because you’re the Lord’s favorite it doesn’t make me inferior to you! »

Hector had planned to leave quietly, without rousing suspicion. He was ready to leave Isaac behind without thinking twice about what he had planned to do; he couldn’t delve too deeply into the consequences. He could still walk past Isaac and ignore him, slam the door shut, leave him out.

The words rose from his throat before he could recognize them for what they were.

« Then perhaps you should do more to be worth something. »

« What…? »

« What are you doing, Isaac? Slacking behind and stubbornly beating your head over the wall instead of listening to me. Crying that Lord Dracula won’t praise you and taking it out on me. Pushing me aside except when you need a warm body. Why should I feel sorry for you, when you treat me like dirt under your heel? »

Hector’s own voice sounded distorted to his own ears, jagged and unpleasant. As unpleasant was the visceral pleasure that seized him at vomiting the thoughts he had buried deep for far too long, at the sight of Isaac’s eyes growing wide and him stepping backwards, away from him.

He should apologize. He would never apologize. Isaac deserved to hear that.

But his surprise lasted for far too little, and he counterattacked:

« You… You would be food for the zombies were it not for me! You threw me away the moment I was no longer useful to you! The only reason Lord Dracula is even sparing a glance towards you is because I felt sorry for you first! I was ecstatic when you came here to study the dark arts with me, I thought you’d be… » A crack where weakness should have been. « How could have I imagined that you would have ruined everything? You are standing on my shoulders and basking in all the glory, and have the gall to pity me! That’s all you care for, selfish bastard! »

Oh, if Isaac thought Hector would fold like he would have in the past, he had no idea of how utterly sick of it all he was.

« I don’t want the glory! I don’t want any of this! » How could ever be happy to be a toy, to be coated in his Lord’s sick touch and sicker lies and expected to be grateful for it?

« Our Lord adores you more than anyone here, more than His own son. What more could you possibly want? What else does the universe owe Saint Hector, for him to finally be happy? »

Why couldn’t he have asked sincerely? Why couldn’t Hector trust whom he thought was his closest companion? He did want, and he wanted too much for him to burden alone: he wanted more of that sorry excuse of an existence, he wanted to cleanse himself, he wanted to live, he wanted out!

He wanted a friend.

« I’m tired, Isaac, and you never noticed, because all you can think about is Lord Dracula. » He would not wipe any tear. Not in front of that man who would devour him at the first sign of fragility. « If I spoke, would you listen to me? Have I ever mattered to you? »

« What you want doesn’t matter. You don’t matter more than Lord Dracula. Don’t you even insinuate that. »

The lack of an answer burdened in Hector’s chest. He wished he could be furious at it.

« I would never. Your world begins and ends with Lord Dracula. »

« And that is how it should be! For being Lord Dracula’s favorite General, you are obnoxiously dense! » Isaac spread his arms like a proselyte. « We were born and made to be His tools to wield. I am honored to be used by Him! I do not need a reward, unlike you: it’s about loyalty! It is the bare minimum of gratitude I can show towards the only person who has ever cared about me. »

Hector took the jab in silence. He would not try to defend himself.

« Do you think he does? »

Isaac stammered. « More than you! »

Is that so.

« You are the worst kind of liar and hypocrite. » Hector dug his nails into his palms, and willed his arms to stop shaking, even though he wanted to hit Isaac so hard. « You say that you’re loyal, but are you really? Because if you were, you’d stop crying and accept how things are! You would accept that Lord Dracula doesn’t give a shit about you! »

« Shut your mouth! How dare you speak in contempt of our Lord?! »

« I don’t care! I am talking about you! » Hector yelled with more force than intended. « If you were a weapon like you claim, you would not be here with tears in your eyes because I’m trying to make you reason. Why do you refuse to see reality? »

« Oh, do you now? Are you speakings from the heavens now? » In the light of the candle, Isaac’s tired eyes flashed a sickly yellow; with his gritted teeth and bulging veins in his neck, he looked less and less human the more he spoke, unrecognizable.

« You make me puke, Hector. Look at you, with that disgusting veneer of superiority, even placing yourself above Lord Dracula… You dare talking about reality? Well, the reality is that you are nothing more than a selfish little boy with an inflated ego, spitting in the plate he’s been eating, expecting to be worshipped because you gift us with the air you breathe on us. » He jabbed a finger on his chest as if to bore it: his hand, too, was trembling. « Never forget that when we met, you wouldn’t even talk, you were that afraid of me. You are here, looking down on me like I am your damn scullery boy, because Lord Dracula tasked me with making something worthwhile out of you. And right now, I am so close to breaking your nose to teach you the lesson you deserve, and then we’ll see how perfect you are. »

Hector let Isaac talk without interrupting.

He should have been offended, he knew it. He should have sworn that he never thought Isaac was inferior to him, he did it all by himself. Somehow, Isaac’s words reached him like a vision through a foggy glass: he had a vague inkling of what they could be, but they didn’t leave an impact.

He, on the other hand, yearned to leave an impact, for once.

« But you won’t do it. Because you are terrified of Lord Dracula not loving you. »

Why wasn’t he furious? He wished he could shout like Isaac, have his heart hammering in his chest, be completely engulfed by rage like flames devour a house. The man in front of him no longer stirred his heart.

What grew louder inside him, instead, were the echoes of his demon friends, always within him as they had never abandoned him – no, he had allowed himself to become them, and just like back then, just like when his mother dared to hurt him… Isaac deserved a lesson.

« I used to be afraid of the world around me, yes. But you are, right now. You are so, so scared of ending up alone and unwanted that you do everything in your power to make sure no one wants you and loves you first! You will drag everyone down in your misery, because it’s easier than clawing your way out! Forget about me – why do you think Lord Dracula would ever love a thing like you? »

And Hector kept talking, and talking, his words a river in flood; he couldn’t stop, he wouldn’t stop, his voice spilled out of him like it was edging at the rim and it couldn’t wait to get out:

« You are a doll to Lord Dracula. You’re a cute toy to play with before putting it on its shelf, once he gets bored of you. You will never be anything more than a thing! And it’s all because of you. You chose to be a thing to be used and thrown away, because, because… because you truly believe you don’t deserve better, I suppose, and when I tried to convince you that it was not the case, you rejected me, because it scared you. You broke yourself into pieces for him, and it was for nothing, and now you’re angry, and you don’t want to admit it, so you thought you could break me with you. »

Isaac recoiled at every word like they were physical blows, and the more he acted like that, the more Hector felt the desire to twist the knife even further, because Isaac only roused desire in him when his eyes shone with bitter tears: he looked like the human he refused to be.

« You are nothing more than a pathetic, miserable thing, and you could have been so much more! I had always admired your passion, your wit, your knowledge! I thought myself so lucky to call you my friend! But there’s none of that in you anymore. You call yourself a weapon, but no, you’re a puppet. Who loves a puppet? Lord Dracula doesn’t need it. I don’t need it. »

And who cared if Hector no longer believed in that axiom, that the both of them had to earn their Lord’s love somehow? Hector had grown past that, but Isaac didn’t, still a child clinging onto the breeches of his father, and Hector felt vile and so satiated in plunging his fangs in Isaac’s heart to tear it to pieces, he would see how it felt, to be weak and powerless and despised! If he wanted to experience Lord Dracula’s love, then by all means, Hector would be all too happy to oblige!

« S-shut up… »

« Don’t you believe me? Why do you think that Lord Dracula refuses to give you all the love that you crave, but he’s forcing it on me? Whose fault is that, Isaac? What did I do, other than exist? »

« Exactly that, » Isaac snarled, and the sobs did not soften the spikes in his words. « Do me a favor, and go die in the next mission. Filth like you should have never been born in the first place! »

The air froze.

No one spoke. Isaac was panting, but Hector could not understand what he was thinking, he could not recognize his face. His head hurt as if Isaac struck a blow and his vision wobbled. It was not a moment too soon that Isaac spun on his heels and fled, and Hector let that stranger march out of his room.

The same mouth he had used to rip Isaac to shreds was covered in ashes. With numb fingers, he touched Lord Dracula’s marks on his throat, where he had ruined him. He decided it was time to go to bed. No map could have taken his mind off the flames dancing behind his eyes.

That night, Isaac left Hector alone, as he wanted.

He tossed and turned around in a freezing bed until the crows cawed and all of his focus had to go on the most important mission of his life.

There was no turning back.

#beev's writing #hector castlevania #isaac laforeze #isaactor #well. kind of. this is hector serving the divorce papers. and shooting isaac in the balls while he's at it #also implied hecula because i'm always on my shit #(i still don't know if to remove that whole thing but sadly it flows with the scene too well)#anyway yeah this part touched some sore spots for me lol #hopefully i managed to channel my feelings well #anyway did i mention i hate writing around dialogue? i think you can tell. i suck ass at writing around dialogue.#how do you make characters feel alive?

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buttercupjosh · 1 year ago

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nineteen

(Gif credit to @fivehole)

word count: 5,152

warnings: none

genres: strangers to lovers to ex’s, a bit sad, somewhat happy ending

A/N: To start, I know that Nolan’s not as popular anymore and his future in the NHL is looking a bit bleak but despite that, this story exists. This story is based off of the songs, the Hayley Williams cover of Nineteen by Tegan and Sara, (which is where the title comes from), You All Over Me by Taylor Swift feat Maren Morris and Last Kiss by Taylor Swift (I highly recommend listening to those songs before reading. I’m taking vibes, elements and references from them and putting them in the story and listening will also help with understanding the plot). I’ve wanted to write a fic based off of those songs for a while and my vision for the story works best with Nolan. It’s set in a timeline format by the hockey season. It’s written with a female reader in mind because I’m a female of color but the reader doesn’t specifically have to be a POC or a woman and there’s no dialogue. As always, I’m open to any and all feedback, comments or questions; just put them in my inbox or dm me. Thank you so much in advance for reading, I appreciate it😌

(P.S. I have other stories (linked here) that I have written for other players as well if you want to check it out)

“You were mine, always but now you’re gone. Look what we’ve become, just another sad song of a love gone wrong.” -Pictures by Judah and the Lion feat. Kacey Musgraves

2017-18

Nolan could feel you in his limbs before he ever met you and he could feel you in his life before he ever thought to. How can you feel someone that you don’t even know yet? On the day you met, Nolan felt an unexplained tingle in his body. He was dreading having to go to the DMV but he misplaced his license so on a rare weekday off, he went to get a replacement license. Nolan really needed his license; he legally couldn’t drive without it. He could only imagine the chaos that would ensue if the recently 2nd overall NHL draft pick was pulled over and caught driving without his license so he couldn’t put off getting it done. To top it off, Nolan felt this weird tingling sensation in his body so he mentally made a note to talk about it with the team doctor. Travis (TK) kindly dropped Nolan off at the DMV and continued with his other plans for the off day. For you, you had some time after your classes to pop into the DMV to renew your license, which was going to expire soon because your birthday was coming up.

That tingling feeling that Nolan was experiencing went away when you first interacted with each other in that crowded waiting room back in 2018, in the middle of his first season with the Flyers. The softness in your voice asking if the seat next to him was taken directly contrasted with the deepness of Nolan’s voice. It was going to be a long wait so to pass the time, you and Nolan started talking to each other. Nolan usually was against unnecessary small talk and preferred to keep to himself but chatting with you felt different. Throughout these conversations, you learned little details about each other; details that would be held onto throughout the course of your relationship. You learned that Nolan was actually a funny guy behind his intimidating demeanor and he learned that you deeply valued family. The connection that you had made in the hours of waiting felt special to Nolan. You didn’t even know each other for that long and that well but it was almost like you could feel each other in your hearts as you talked. Since Nolan had arrived before you did, his number was called sooner so he left first. Before leaving, he quickly wrote his number down on the back of the waiting room ticket.

Later that same day, you sent Nolan a text to check in on him and that started a long text chain between the two of you. In the beginning of your friendship, Nolan definitely had his walls up but as you got to know more about each other, the walls came down. Nolan enjoyed talking to you because you made him feel like a regular person, not some superstar; the pressure of being a high NHL draft pick disappeared in the chats that you shared. Over time, he became more comfortable and trusting with you, even inviting you to his games and team events and telling his teammates about you. You began falling for each other and your relationship grew from texting buddies to friends to lovers. Your relationship with Nolan was quiet but it worked well that way. There was a slow introduction to the most important people in your lives; you’ll never forget how your father complimented Nolan’s handshake and how that handshake indicated to him that Nolan was a strong man and your mother admired how Nolan treated you so well. Nolan didn’t want outsiders to judge and ridicule his relationship with you so there were no direct social media posts of your presence in each other’s lives –only small snippets of his face or hands in your Instagram story posts, listening to songs that you liked or that reminded him of you on his story posts and location tags of being at the same place– but the right people knew you were together. There were also fun things, like surprise flowers and other gifts at your door, inside jokes, and secret road trips down to the beaches on the Jersey Shore. You were down so bad for Nolan and he could make you melt like ice cream on a hot June day with just one look. Nolan was down badly too; he tried to be all cool and push it aside but as soon as you walked into the room or opened his car door, the heat in his cheeks would rise and it was game over. The first year of your relationship together was so amazing until things changed.

————————————————————

2018-19

Due to your summer internship commitments, you only got to spend 2 weeks in Winnipeg with Nolan before school started back up at the end of August. Nolan was anxious about you coming to his safe space of his hometown; it rained the day you arrived and the smell of rain brought comfort to him. As both a test and a joke, you ran towards your boyfriend in the airport to see how he would respond. Nolan saw you running at him and his first reaction was to open his arms to catch you; having you in his arms meant everything to him.

Nolan isn’t a man of many words but being with you made him want to sing. On your first night in Winnipeg, Nolan took you to a bonfire party to meet some of his friends. At the party, you mixed and mingled with the people who Nolan trusted the most. Nolan even pulled you in for a dance, which surprised you because he knew that you weren’t much of a dancer and also that he would bust out a move in front of so many people. After the party flamed out, you and Nolan drove back to his house and by the time you arrived, it was almost 2 am. Before going inside, Nolan had looked at you with those blue eyes of his that you adored and you could sense that he was nervous; something was up. Nolan took a deep breath and told you that he loved you for the first time in that same deep voice that captivated you when you first met and you repeated it back to him. You always knew in your heart that you loved Nolan but hearing him say it meant so much more.

Summer Nolan was much more laid back and chill than Hockey Season Nolan. During your time in his hometown, Nolan showed you around the place that shaped him into who he was and let you meet the people who impacted him along the way; he even drove you all the way out to Brandon to see his old stomping grounds before he was drafted. It wouldn’t be summer unless he also took you fishing, hunting, and out for a day on the golf course as well. You got along well with Nolan’s family and meshed great with them. By the time you left to return to Philly, Nolan was already looking forward to bringing you back home to Winnipeg for many summers to come.

After you had left, Nolan was doing some summer training and unexpectedly started experiencing some migraines; he had experienced injuries and concussions before but this wasn’t like that. Due to Nolan’s career choice as a hockey player, he had access to the best doctors and specialists in the country so that helped relieve some of the stress that came with having a chronic illness. His migraines came with good and bad days and one of those bad days came as a test when you were together.

The first time you had ever spent the night at Nolan’s place in Philadelphia, he had a random migraine. Thankfully, it wasn’t so bad that he would miss time from playing; Nolan was still trying to navigate his newfound diagnosis but he handled it the best way that he could. At the time, he was living with Kevin (you were taking things slow and hadn’t talked about moving in together yet) so you weren’t originally planning on staying overnight but Nolan really needed you there. You weren’t trained like a doctor or nurse to take care of him but you did everything in your power to make him feel as comfortable as possible and to help to alleviate his pain. The only thing that helped Nolan was laying down in the dark with no light and you cautiously lay beside him in the darkness of his bedroom. Whenever you were sick as a child, one of your parents would come into your room to make sure you were breathing okay on your own and you did the same for Nolan. You watched him as he slept and could feel him breathe. That evening was a bit rough but Nolan was so grateful that you sacrificed your time to be with him during an unexpected, difficult situation. Like anything else in life, there would always be ups and downs but you would always be there to take care of him, no matter what.

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2019-20 and 2020-21

Nolan continued to miss time away from the team and he did his best to try to get healthy enough to return to play but it took more time than expected. Patience would end up becoming an important, key virtue throughout your relationship. During this time, you graduated early from the University of Pennsylvania with a Bachelor’s in Public Health and Nolan was super proud of you, beaming with joy from watching his lover achieve such a great accomplishment. You decided to take a year off from school before going back to get your Master’s degree in Epidemiology but then in early 2020, a pandemic hit; suddenly, you were hunkering down in Canada with Nolan and his family, your hope-to-someday-be in-laws. The world that you all knew was changing dramatically. The NHL season paused for a bit and started back up in a bubble-style tournament but due to his extended absence and health concerns, the Flyers and Nolan’s doctors felt like it was best for him to continue his recovery instead of having him come down to play in Toronto and Edmonton. You could sense the hurt from Nolan having to watch his team play in the playoffs without him and you felt that same pain, both sharing the hope for things to get better.

After the Flyers season concluded in late 2020, Nolan’s health had stabilized by then and he felt confident about returning to play so the Flyers gave him a contract for the shortened 2020-21 season. That condensed season was a bit brutal on Nolan since he hadn’t played professionally in over a year and the team wasn’t in the best condition at the time but he tried his best to persevere through it. He had a minor setback when Phillippe Myers accidentally hit him with a puck mid-game but thankfully, Nolan only missed 2 games and finished out the season without another injury. You saw a light in Nolan’s eyes when he played; a light that both shined and dimmed as time would go on.

The Flyers missed the 2021 playoffs and Nolan was so appreciative for the time off to recover but he also felt fearful for what was to come for the future. Nolan wanted to escape the criticism and pressure from being in Philly so during the 2021 off-season, he talked to you about his plans for leaving. He thought your input was super important and you were supportive of whatever he chose to do and were open to moving wherever he ended up.

The trade to Vegas was a bit surprising because there was no solid guarantee of where he was going to play but you were both grateful for the chance that the team took on Nolan and to open to this new chapter. It wasn’t easy leaving everything you knew behind in Philly but there was something exciting waiting for the both of you in the desert. You originally wanted to finish grad school in Philly but took a pause on your studies to move with Nolan to Vegas; this was also going to be the first time you had lived together. Living in Vegas had its expected highs and lows but you both made the best of the new city. You still kept in contact with some of the Flyers WAGs and made new friends with Golden Knights ladies, discovered new things to love about each other and the new place you lived. Yes, there still were some setbacks with Nolan’s health and his play needed some adjusting but it was okay because he was glad to be back on the ice and starting over somewhere new. Things were looking fine for both of you until February 16, 2022.

————————————————————

2021-22

You had a rare weekday off so you trekked down to T-Mobile Arena to go watch Nolan play. That game happened to be against the Colorado Avalanche; conference rivalry games always had some sort of chaos and drama but this time, that drama and chaos hit too close to home. As you sat in the stands, chatting away with the other WAGs, something devastating happened. Early in the first period, Nolan got hit. The hit was brutal to watch and you angrily cursed Nathan MacKinnon’s name for what he did to your man. You had always known that hockey was aggressive and physical but this hit ignited both a rage and sadness within you. During the game, you left to meet with the team doctor to discuss Nolan’s prognosis; it was a head injury so you knew what was coming ahead and you had to drive him home. You always liked when Nolan let you drive his car but this time it was different. The car ride back home was very quiet, the only noise was the sound of the other cars around you and the clicks of the turn signal. Every time you saw Nolan hurting, it made your heart break a little. You loved him so much that seeing him in pain made you feel pain and you wished that you could just erase the pain that Nolan dealt with and make him 100% better.

Nolan eventually did return to play before getting hurt again and playing his last game on March 24. After his final game, there was a shift in Nolan and the light in his eyes disappeared. His migraines continued to be on and off but the time away allowed them to stabilize for a bit. During his hiatus from hockey, Nolan became more distant and less affectionate with you. You tried to let his actions not bother you but it silently hurt you. You knew Nolan was upset with the way how his hockey season ended and you tried to comfort him and distract him from his pain but it wasn’t enough for him; it was terrifying to watch him fade away like that. Nolan was hurting a lot, not only physically but emotionally. He couldn’t quite fully escape the injuries and the lingering pressure of returning to hockey was always there. Everything in his life was centered around hockey; his identity, his goals, and the conversations people had about and with him. It was almost like he resented the sport that he was the most grateful for; hockey was the only thing people seemed to know him for and that was gone. The loss of Nolan’s hockey career would be a very challenging loss that he would grieve over but you were right there by his side to support him during this difficult time.

Throughout his recovery time, Nolan began to get rid of anything and everything that reminded him of the life that he once had but didn’t have anymore. First, it was removing the social media posts. Then, it was unfollowing his old teammates and so-called friends who never checked in on him. Finally, it was hurting you. At the end of the 2022 season, Nolan requested that you have a deep serious talk together. In the back of your mind, you knew that something big was coming; Nolan was already distant with you so maybe he needed some more time and space from you. He dropped the already expected and painful news but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Nolan expressed that you deserved better than him and being around you, unfortunately, reminded him both of his past and of a future life that he couldn’t give to you. You didn’t care about those things and it didn’t matter what he could or couldn’t do because all you wanted was him but Nolan already made up his mind to end the relationship.

You couldn’t believe that he would just give up on what you had but he did. Nolan told you he loved you so frequently but now, the feelings of love were going away. You already knew Nolan was devastated with the way his hockey career and life derailed but you never would have imagined him hurting you because of that. You were already there with him through some of the toughest moments for him and were willing to continue to stay through them; if you didn’t love Nolan as much as you did, you would have left sooner. Naturally, you tried to reason with him but everything was pointing towards the end of your relationship. It frustrated you that Nolan wanted to break up for good instead of just taking time apart from each other; you were willing to give him the time and space he desired and the hope of you possibly come back together lingered around throughout the air. You had Nolan but he ended up burning you; you thought your relationship was so solid and strong, that these setbacks and other things wouldn’t break it down but it shattered everything you built together.

Nolan blamed being young in love and wanting to meet new people as a reason for wanting to separate. Deep down, he wanted to be with someone who didn’t know or had any connection to his hockey days so that he could leave that part of himself behind; Nolan just wanted a blank slate to start over from it all but that came at the expense of the beautiful relationship you spent years in. Breaking up with you was like watching a part of himself die; you and Nolan were always separate individuals but your relationship interconnected you together in such a profound way. Nolan’s honest confession to end the relationship hurt so deeply; you could feel the pain in your chest and Nolan could feel the pain of what he did rattling in his bones. It was almost like that tingling feeling Nolan felt the day when you first met returned back.

This breakup was 100% one of those “it’s not you, it’s me” moments. Nolan felt bad about breaking your heart but he felt like the only way for him to get peace from his past wasn’t to carry things from it into his future. He wanted out because of himself, not because you were a bad person or something you did; Nolan truly did have a catch on his hands being with you but he couldn’t hold on much longer so he let you go. You held out and held on to your relationship with Nolan for so long; you sacrificed so much to be and stay with him but Nolan just didn’t want to continue. At the time, it was hard to understand why he didn’t fight for your relationship harder but maybe it was a sign that Nolan wasn’t the one for you and you were never really meant to be.

At least once every day since the first time it was shared, you would tell each other “I love you.” Now, all you could say to each other was goodbye. You could see in Nolan’s eyes that he was trying his hardest to not cry but he did anyway. For one last time, Nolan held you in his arms in a tender embrace as the both of you lost tears. Normally, a couple that just broke up wouldn’t do this but Nolan tilted your head up towards him and sealed the end of your storied relationship with a final tear-soaked kiss.

Over the course of the next few days, you packed up your respective things and began the separation, silently removing things from your shared space. Throughout your packing, you both found little mementos from your relationship; things like the paper ticket Nolan wrote his number on when he first met you, the gold N necklace Nolan gave you on your first anniversary, the birthday card you gave Nolan when he turned 23 last year, a bottle of your perfume that was Nolan’s favorite. You had also found some of Nolan’s clothes that he had given you over the years you were together. The world that you had known together had turned around and it was a lot to process; you really were beginning to enjoy your new home but now, you both had to return back to your old one. Thankfully, one of your local friends let you stay at her place in the meantime until everything was in place for you to return back to Philadelphia and Nolan stayed at the apartment. You were all his and Nolan was all yours but that was all gone. Leaving you behind wasn’t easy but he did it anyway. It was wild how you moved to Vegas at the start of the 2021-22 season and by the time the season ended in April 2022, the relationship was over.

The 2022 off-season was supposed to be different this time. At the start of the year, you and Nolan had made plans to explore Europe for an off-season couple’s trip but before the start of the summer, that trip never happened. Flights and hotels were refunded; the diamond ring Nolan had planned on proposing to you with on the trip was returned to the jewelry store. Nolan went back to his happy place at home with his family but returning to Winnipeg without you this time did hurt him a bit. As expected with returning back, Nolan had to deal with the whispers and rumors that came from people who had no idea what he was going through.

The only bright side of the otherwise sad off-season was that Nolan’s quality of life improved a lot as his migraines continued to get better with the time off; he eventually found a good regime to help him cope and he was able to do some of the things he loved, like golfing and listening to loud music. While he was home, Nolan cooked up a good plan to fly back to Philadelphia to convince you to take him back but that was all in his head; he hadn’t been to Philly since you both moved to Vegas for the trade and he never did return to play a game there. Nolan couldn’t bring himself to go back to the city that was home at one point but isn’t anymore so he let the plan go and let time pass by.

————————————————————

2022-23

The 2022 off-season turned into Nolan not returning to the NHL at all. The Vegas Golden Knights ended up winning the Stanley Cup in 2023 without him; it hurt the both of you to see Nolan’s old team succeed at achieving one of his goals. Despite the progress made in Nolan’s recovery, playing hockey full-time unfortunately never really made its way back into the picture for him.

Nolan still quietly kept tabs on you, watching you from the sidelines. You finished up your Master’s degree program and he was proud of you again, just like he was when you graduated with your Bachelor’s degree. It had been over a year since you last talked to Nolan. You tried to keep tabs on Nolan but he wasn’t really close with anyone from his old teams anymore and you only saw brief glimpses of him through his Winnipeg friends. You romantically moved on with someone new, someone who fulfilled the “if he wanted to, he would” that Nolan chose not to meet. Nolan moved on too, he met a girl in an online support group for athletes whose careers were derailed by injuries. His new girlfriend met the requirement of no hockey connections and she was great; he deeply loved and cared for her, just like he did for you.

Despite the amount of freedom you had from each other since the break up, you weren’t fully clean and still had pieces of each other left lingering all over you. You would never look at a vehicle with muddy tires the same way –they reminded you of when you and Nolan went to Hawaii for All-Star Break, rented a Jeep, and explored the island–, you would never look at anything related to ham and cheese without thinking of Nolan’s pre-game meal and how you missed going to watch him play, the migraine medication commercials made you think about the treatments that didn’t work and wondered what was helping him now. Nolan was notoriously known for his privacy and for being a lurker so you had no idea if he had truly missed you.

Sometimes, Nolan did miss you but he wasn’t going to let you know that. When the Italian restaurant that you had gone to on your first date closed down, Nolan wanted to talk to you to reminisce on those good times but he didn’t reach out, he couldn’t see orange juice without thinking about how he always kept a bottle in the fridge for you, plaid always reminded him of the flannels you wore in the fall, hearing certain songs on the radio made him wonder if you would like this song. One day, while figuring out what to listen to, Nolan came across the playlist. During your relationship, Nolan made a secret playlist called “y/n-core” and it contained all of the songs you liked and songs that reminded him of you. He listened to it whenever he missed you; when you found out about it, you made a similar playlist for him. Music was something important to both of you so deleting the playlist was hard so you both kept it; Nolan would secretly listen to it whenever he missed you and look back at old photos from when you were together and when you missed him, you would put on one of his old shirts and play it as a coping mechanism.

Looking back at the relationship, some questions began to arise. Were there any warning signs that you missed beforehand that could have indicated that the relationship was doomed? Could you blame Nolan for wanting a change? Could you blame Nolan for not changing his mind and not wanting to reconcile what you had? Could Nolan blame you for moving on when he didn’t want to stay together? Neither of you would have ever thought your relationship would have ended the way it did. It started off like a beautiful love song but it crumbled like a piece of paper when it ended. Neither of you would say that you wasted your time being together because you lived and learned throughout your relationship; you both carried those things into your new relationships. Even though you’re not sure if you’ll ever see or hear from him again, you had hoped that Nolan was doing okay and he had the same hope for you. Over time, you forgave Nolan for what he did and Nolan forgave himself for his actions. You understood why Nolan broke your heart the way that he did; he did it because he loved you so much that he willingly walked away from you so that someone better could come into the picture. Nolan’s capacity for love was enough for you but he saw it differently so you had to fully accept his decision.

Even though you’ve both moved on to new partners, your name and Nolan’s name still lingered on each other’s lips whenever either of you kissed your new lover. Sometimes, you missed the moments when Nolan would randomly interrupt you with a kiss (your new partner wouldn’t attempt such a thing) and Nolan actually missed doing it to you and couldn’t bring himself to continue that with his new girlfriend. Every now and then, the feelings of missing each other would occasionally sink in and you both would miss and think about the other. You both hated missing each other because you both had new lovers, but that didn’t prevent those feelings coming up. Sometimes, you both wished that the other would call but those calls would never come and you had to let each other go. If you somehow did end up back together, it would cause more pain than love; how do you fully trust someone who hurt you so much? You both still carried a little of the love you shared together but things would never go back to being the same. After being out of touch for so long, there was no point in trying to revitalize the relationship you had together or to even try attempting to be friends because you were both on different roads and chapters in life. The last drop of rain from the storm of your relationship dried off the pavement and there were no physical stains left behind.

————————————————————

20xx-xx (Epilogue)

Many years later, when you were chilling with your new partner at your apartment, they accidentally spilled water on their shirt so you gave them one of Nolan’s old practice shirts to wear. Seeing your new lover wear something from your old lover made you short-circuit for a minute. How can someone that you love now look so good in something that belonged to someone you loved before? Your new lover also asked you to marry them underneath a pillow fort while wearing Nolan’s old shirt with your dream ring and the date this occurred was the 19th. On a warm sandy beach somewhere, Nolan proposed to his new girlfriend on the exact same day with the same ring you wanted (his now fiancee’s dream ring). Throughout your relationship with Nolan, the number 19 started appearing more in your life and started holding more importance to you because of him. It was Nolan’s jersey number in Philadelphia (changed to 41 in Vegas), his birthday was on the 19th of September, it was part of the address of the first place you lived together, and it was the age that you fell in love with each other. The number nineteen meant something significant to the both of you and neither of you would ever forget it.

#nolan patrick #nolan patrick x reader #nolan patrick imagine #nolan patrick fic #hockey fic #hockey imagine #hockey writing #my writing #philadephia flyers #vegas golden knights

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saras-devotionals · 6 months ago

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Quiet Time 5/25

What Am I Feeling Today?

I pray that you all forgive me! I’ve completely fell off with posting my quiet times and I feel horrible about it! I want to be held accountable and I will try my absolute best to go back to posting daily! Also, I’m feeling a bit stressed because I have a trip coming up and I’ve never been that far from home and the day after I come back I start my new job so if you could all pray for me to have peace of mind and trust that God will allow everything to align the way it’s supposed to, I’d really appreciate it.♥️

Ruth 1 NIV

(v. 5) “both Mahlon and Kilion also died, and Naomi was left without her two sons and her husband.”

‭‭I felt like reading the book of Ruth because I wished to know more about the women in the Bible and the role they played. I wish to be encouraged by them and to mimic their great qualities. This stood out to me because Naomi left her home town because of famine with her family and now they’re all dead, my heart hurts for her, it’s must’ve been a terrible grief to deal with.

(v. 6-10) “When Naomi heard in Moab that the Lord had come to the aid of his people by providing food for them, she and her daughters-in-law prepared to return home from there. With her two daughters-in-law she left the place where she had been living and set out on the road that would take them back to the land of Judah. Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, “Go back, each of you, to your mother’s home. May the Lord show you kindness, as you have shown kindness to your dead husbands and to me. May the Lord grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband.” Then she kissed them goodbye and they wept aloud and said to her, “We will go back with you to your people.””

It’s sweet to know that she at least had her two daughters in law but I understand where she was coming from. They were still young (I assume), they could’ve stayed in Moab because that’s where they’re from, they could’ve found other husbands, they were under no obligation to go with Naomi.

(v. 14) “At this they wept aloud again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye, but Ruth clung to her.”

Correct me if I’m wrong but there wasn’t anything inherently wrong about Orpah leaving? She was given a choice and she had free will, I don’t see that there was at all a ‘wrong’ decision that could’ve been made.

(v. 16-18) “But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.”

This really speaks to how much Ruth loved and trusted Naomi! She was willing to leave her whole life behind and go and follow her and her God and to stay with her. This is admirable, to have this sort of connection and relationship. In a sense, I believe it’s how we should view God, that nothing should be able to urge us away from Him!

(v. 19-21) “So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them, and the women exclaimed, “Can this be Naomi?” “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.””

For reference, Naomi means pleasant and Mara means bitter. She was bitter because of the deaths of her husband and sons. I can’t understand the pain she must’ve gone through but we’re instructed not to hold on to bitterness, it hardens our hearts, and even in trials and suffering we’re meant to praise God through it all. I know that’s easier said than done but also, would you rather rely and trust in His love? Or allow yourself to be consumed by bitterness, anger, and grief?

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hecula-propaganda · 7 months ago

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@the-crow-binary

“I trust you that you will be able to take down the Belmont.”

“I’m capable, my Lord.”

Which didn’t mean Hector had any intention of doing so. The path he had traced on his maps should take him in the opposite direction, to give the hunter a wide berth.

It’s not cowardice. It is the primal will to live.

The feeble voice in his mind could only crushed by the weight of the guilt that paralyzes him on the spot, kneeling right at his Lord’s feet.

Hector dares not lift his head, for he knows that his brittle resolve to save himself would shatter at the sight of the man who gave him shelter and warmth.

He used me. I refuse to be his tool! I deserve better than that!

And it was Lord Dracula himself who taught him his own worth, so Hector was only being a good student.

There was a time where there was no room in his heart for spite against his savior.

Moved not by reason, but by a spark ignited in his chest, Hector clasped his Lord’s hand like many times before, and planted a long kiss on that cold skin, until the chill seeped in his lips.

The kiss of Judah.

“Oh, Hector,” and he didn’t need to look at the vampire: his smile, that poisonous smile that had him ensnared for years, was audible. “You will never change.”

He bit back a smile.

“Forgive me, my Lord,” Hector replied, and stood up, gaze fixated on his own bloody hands, “but I believe I did already. I can only thank you for the man I have become.”

To Lord Dracula, he owed his most sincere gratitude, for raising him to become the kind of man that can decide for himself to seek life.

#castlevania #triple drabble #hecula #hecula writing #:)

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jordie-gvf · 2 years ago

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minor misdemeanor, jake

summary : jakes son goes to jail and his mother rescues him.

warnings : a minor misdemeanor, arguing, underage drug possession, mentions of weed, jake and yn being stoners, mentions of sex

word count : 1.2k+

You were cooking dinner when your phone rang in the living room. You went to pick it up and saw it as an unknown number. You picked it up and heard, “You are about to receive a collect call from Judah Kiszka, an inmate housed at Metro-Davidson County Detention Center.”

You heard your son say, “Mama, I did something really bad.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? What the hell did you do where you ended up in jail!?” You asked.

“Underage drug possession, can you come get me?” he responded in a low voice.

“Jesus Christ, you're lucky your fathers not here. I'm on my way.” You told him. You turned off the stove and grabbed your keys. You decided not to tell Jake as he would freak the fuck out on his son.

Before you got downtown, you turned off Life360, so Jake wouldn't see where you were.

You went inside and spoke to an officer, telling them you were here to pick up your son. You told them his full name and they spoke on the walkie to let him walk up front. You saw him turn the corner with his head down. He came out from behind the door and said, “I'm so sorry Mama.” and put his head on your shoulder and cried.

You pulled your shoulder away and said, “What made you think that was okay?”

He shook his head and didn't respond.

He got to the car and asked, “Is he home?” You shook your head and said, “No, but he should be on his way. Do you want me to tell him?”

He nodded his head and said, “please?” You told him everything would be okay, and that you would explain everything to Jake.

You approached the driveway and saw Jake's car. You rubbed Judah’s shoulder and told him to come inside when he was ready.

Jake being the loving husband he is, met you at the door to take your purse and coat. “Where'd you guys go? I saw the pot on the stove, but no you or Judah.”

You inhaled and told him, “I had to go pick him up. He was at Metro-Davidson.”

His eyes widened and said, “The detention center?! What the hell did he do?” and stormed out to the garage.

You saw Jake whip the car door open and put his hands on his son's shoulders. “Judah Kiszka! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Making your mother pick you up at the jail? What the hell did you do?!” Jake yelled at him.

Judah started sobbing louder and louder. “I didn't mean to dad, it wasn't my fault!”

Jake turned and looked at you, went inside and stormed upstairs. You walked over to the car to console your son. “Look at me. He's just disappointed. Why wasn't it your fault? Tell me everything.”

He looked at you and told you, “It was Millie, she told me she had weed and that we could smoke it after school. So we went to her house and smoked. Someone had called the cops and they showed up. She told them it was mine.”

You sighed and said, “I'll explain everything to him. Phone.”

He pulled his phone out and handed it to you. You grabbed his cheeks and looked at him and said, “I'm not mad at you. I'm disappointed. Plus, if you wanted to smoke weed, you should've just told us, we would've done it with you,” smiled and kissed his head.

You grabbed his hand and walked inside together. You heard the shower running in your bedroom. You told Judah to order some pizza, as the pasta was now overcooked and mushy.

You walked upstairs and saw Jake getting dressed. He looked at you and said, “Why? Why would he get arrested for underage possession? Who is he, Sam?”

You frowned and said, “You know that girl Millie? She invited him to smoke at her house and when he did, the cops were called and she blamed it on him.”

“Who's Millie?”, he asked in response. “Blonde Millie? She's been friends with him since middle school, Jake.” He shook his head and sighed. “Well I'm not mad at him. I'm just disappointed,” he said.

You grabbed Judah's phone out of your pocket and handed it to Jake. “That's what I told him. I told him if he wanted to smoke, that he couldve told us and that we would've done it with him.” He nodded his head and laughed. “Yeah speaking of, I think I need to smoke right now.” Jake had said and hugged your waist.

You pulled away and he pulled you back. “You know, I wouldn't mind another one. How long until dinner?” He asked.

“I don't know, told Judah to order some pizzas,” you said.

He laid back and patted his lap. “So we've got about 30 minutes, right?” You laughed and nodded. He smiled and said, “I think our son is coming up the stairs. Don't want him to be scarred.” and playfully shoved you off of him. Judah walked into your room and said, “Daddy, can we talk?” Jake nodded and you walked out of the room and closed the door. You stepped outside the door and heard them talking.

“Dad, I didn't mean to make you upset. Everyone else is doing it and I like Millie. I wanted her to be impressed.”, you heard Judah say.

Jake said, “J, you don't need to smoke weed in front of a girl to impress her. I pulled your mother by giving her chocolate on her period. And now look at us, 18 years later. We've got a beautiful home, and a wonderful son.”

You heard Judah laugh and then start to cry. “I just didn't want you to be mad at me.” You heard Jake sigh and say, “I could never be mad at you. Next time you want to smoke, tell us, and we will hook you up.”

You went downstairs to pretend like you were doing something when the pizza got there. You called your two favorite boys down for dinner.

After you ate and cleaned up, you asked them if they wanted to watch a movie.

When you had moved into the house, when Judah was a baby, you told Jake you wanted one of the couches that morphed into a bed when you put the sections together, and he got you exactly that.

Jake and Judah put the couch together while you made popcorn and got all the drinks ready. You heard the pitter patter of little toe beans and in walked Giuseppe, the dachshund Jake had gotten you guys for Christmas.

You picked him up and gave him a piece of popcorn. Jake had called you into the living room and helped you carry everything in.

You put the dog down and he walked behind you, following you into the living room. The TV had Up on, one of your favorite movies. You sat in between your son and your husband, and the dog cuddled up in between you and Jake.

Once the movie had started, you had forgotten about everything that had happened in the past few hours.

You were just happy to have one thing, your family.

#jake kiszka fluff #jake kiszka fanfic #greta van fleet fic #greta van fic #greta van fluff

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imsorryimlate · 2 years ago

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About to bring you very long and speculative meta about Moby Dick even though we are only 26 chapters into this thing and I have never read it before.

Back in chapter 13 when Ishmael said “from that hour I clove to Queequeg like a barnacle” I was like, huh. That’s a funny way to express it. Because clove – here being the more archaic past tense of cleave, that is, cling to – is often used in the Bible in relation to someone clinging to God, or at times clinging to a loved one.

I decided to check out the Hebrew word for it, which is דבק (dbq, dabaq) and it appears 54 times. I’m not gonna list all of them, but you can find the full collection here.

Now, let us look at this word. I will bold the English word that corresponds with dbq. I use the KJV translation because it consistently translates dbq as “cleave”, while newer translations will generally use cling, hold fast, stick, etc.

Here are some instances where it relates to love/marriage:

Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Genesis 34:3 “And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.”

1 Kings 11:2b “Solomon clave unto these [his wives] in love.”

However, the word is not only used this way. It has more “everyday” use as well, for example:

Psalm 22:15a “My strength is dried up like a potsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws.”

Psalm 102:5b “My bones cleave to my skin.”

1 Sam 31:2a “And the Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons.” (literally “the Philistines cleaved to Saul and his sons”)

I think here, what these examples demonstrate, is that this word suggests a certain intensity. The Philistines were not simply following Saul and his sons, they were clinging to their heels. The Psalmist isn’t just skinny, his flesh clings to his bones without anything in between, you can see his skeleton through his skin, etc.

It is therefore also used to demonstrate deep loyalty:

Ruth 1:14 “And they lifted up their voice, and wept again: and Orpah kissed her mother in law; but Ruth clave unto her.”

2 Sam 20:2b “But the men of Judah clave unto their king, from Jordan even to Jerusalem.”

Which brings me to my original point, that it is used specifically about a worshipper’s commitment and loyalty to God:

Psalm 63:8a “My soul followeth hard after thee.” (literally “my soul cleaves to you”)

Deuteronomy 10:20 “Thou shalt fear the Lord thy God; him shalt thou serve, and to him shalt thou cleave, and swear by his name.”

Deuteronomy 13:4 “Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.”

Joshua 22:5b “To love the Lord your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

Joshua 23:8 “But cleave unto the Lord your God, as ye have done unto this day.”

These are just a handful of examples, there are way more, especially in Deuteronomy. And I just feel like, with how Melville strews biblical references all around, it cannot be a coincidence. Or am I reading too much into it?

Then I started thinking about this post, where @animate-mush suggested that Queequeg is whale coded. Which would then not leave my brain.

Because see, the book very much presents whales similarly as the Bible speaks of them and other creatures of chaos, such as the leviathan (which, we do not know exactly what it is, despite the Hebrew word for whale being the same). Which is to say, primordial creatures, present since the creation of the universe, creatures of chaos that only God can control – sometimes with huge effort (depending on which theological strata we’re talking about but that’s not relevant right now). These forces of chaos are not the anti-thesis of God, per se, but they’re something on the outskirts of our world, something to fear, something to be grateful that God subdued, something that could very well be considered divine in itself (for example, the sea god Yam in Canaanite mythology).

Which leads me to my next point, which is that many theological strata in the Bible are not concerned with monotheism, but rather monolatry, that is, the acceptance of several gods existing, but only worshipping and being loyal to one. For a lot of culturally Christian people, myself included, the way God is approached is like, you either believe in God or you don’t. The constant reminders we find in the Bible to be loyal to the Lord might feel a bit like, you know, “yeah duh, if you believe in God obviously”, but it wasn’t that simple. God is the God of the Hebrew people in the Bible because they chose God, and they did it for a reason: the Exodus, that is, God saving the Hebrew people from slavery in Egypt, demonstrating God’s power and loyalty. So the loyalty is reciprocal – the people is loyal to God, and God is loyal to the people (help them, keep them safe). The need for God was not placed in the future, in the idea of Heaven and eternal life, but rather it was urgent and present right then; you would rely on your God for crops to grow and children to be born, you would rely on your God to keep you safe, to help you out of your enemies’ grasp. But if your God could not provide, there were other gods to turn to, who might help you instead.

The reason I bring that up is that, well. It’s interesting that Ishmael’s statement that he “clove to Queequeg” happened after they had already done their whole marriage thing. They had already decided to be ~husband and wife~ (no matter how tongue-in-cheek that designation is), they had already decided to share their earthly possessions, they had already made their “wherever you go, I go” promises. So him cleaving to Queequeg here is not in the marriage way, since that has already been established; he cleaves to him in a different manner now.

So what I have suggested here is that Queequeg is whale coded → whales are creatures of chaos and near-divinity → people cleaved to God in a reciprocal loyal and beneficial relationship, even in the presence of other deities → Ishmael watches Queequeg save a man from the depths of the chaotic sea → Ishmael decides to cleave to Queequeg.

Now, I would definitely not go as far as suggesting that Queequeg is God or “God-coded” or whatever, or that Ishmael would worship him as such. But there is something here, isn’t it? In this scene, Ishmael cleaves to Queequeg not as a companion, but as a protector and as a force to be reckoned with.

#whale weekly #moby dick #meta #also i know the inclusion of genesis 34:3 is controversial but it is literally just for the sake of linguistics #my meta

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renee-writer · 8 months ago

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He Didn't Have to Be Chapter 4

AO3

It was different, in a good way, having Daddy Jamie live with us. Strange at first, when I would forget and wake up to his voice or his presence at the breakfast table.

Recalling, I would always grin. I have a daddy now! It would hurry me out of bed and into the kitchen for morning cuddles with both of them.

Mum was different too, always smiling, sharing looks I couldn’t interpret with him. He held her hand, wrapped his arms around her whilst she cooked. She rests her head on his back whilst him and I did dishes.

I would catch them kissing. Blushing, I would turn away until they noticed me and drew me into a family cuddle. Those were the best times.

“Judah, Jamie and I have something to tell you.” It was the end of the day and they both came to tuck me in. Daddy Jamie, like grandma, told the best stories. Mum would tuck me in and he would sit by me, telling me of water horses and silkies that stole maidens away.

This night, I felt their tale would be more important. I was right.

“Aye mum.” I was picking up Scottish phrases and words, to Daddy Jamie ‘s delight.

They share a look and a smile. Then mum said, “We are having a baby.”

Now as a six year old lad, I had given little thought to babies. Their news was received with a type of indifference. Until Jamie adds,

“You shall have a brother or sister.”

He had my attention then. A brother is something I had always wanted.

“Truly! A brother, my own brother!”

“Yes or sister.” My mum’s talk of a sister is ignored. No stinky girl, but a brother I can play with, a baby brother who will look up to me, follow me, who I can teach stuff.

“Mum, daddy Jamie, I like that. When will he be here?”

“Not for awhile yet,” Jamie grins, “your mum must grow him in her womb first.”

And grow she did. Mum grew round. Snuggles on her lap weren’t the same but feeling my coming sibling moving about inside her was brilliant!

“Mum,” I looked at her breathless, “I felt him kick!”

It was at that moment that I fully understood that I was going to be a big brother.

She grinned, her hands beside mine. “Or she. Yes, that is a kick.”

I remember being full of wonder. “Does it hurt? Did I do that while inside you?”

“Sometimes it hurts, depending on how hard the movement is and yes, Judah, you did. All healthy babies in their mums do.”

“So my baby brother is a braw lad?”

A sigh. No matter how hard she tries to prepare me for a possible little sister, I stubbornly insist it is a brother.

“Yes, a braw lad or lass.”

Daddy Jamie wasn’t home the day the baby was ready to come. I remember coming home from school to find mum bend over double in pain. It scared me bad.

“Mum?” She breaths funny for a moment more while I stand, frozen in terror.

“It is okay. It is just time for the baby to come. Jamie is on the way home.”

“I want to come too.” I don’t know why I said that. The plan was for me to go to grandma’s and grampa ‘s. In that moment, I just wanted to be close to my mum.

She starts to answer when another pain hits. Her eyes grow wide and I know something isn’t right. They explained to expect mum to be in pain. That wasn’t it but something was wrong.

Daddy Jamie comes running in at that moment. I have never been happier to see him. I run over and throw my arms around his legs.

“Daddy Jamie, something is wrong with mum!”

He moves over to her, me still a barnacle on his legs. “Dinna fash Judah. It just is the baby coming.”

“No, he is right. The pains are to close. This baby isn’t waiting around. Call 999.”

The rest was a blur of strange noises from mum and a frantic conversation between Daddy Jamie and the person on the other end of the phone.

“I don’t know! I just got here!” I hold mum’s hand. I didn’t know what else to do.

“Every minute,” she panted out, “tell them….” The rest fades into a deep groan.

He then says a word that I am forbidden to repeat before says, “Every minute! You must hurry. You wish me to… aye just a…” He does something I think queer then. He helps mum out of her pants! I start to say something, after all, I can’t see mum that way. But his next words take every thought out of my head, “bleeding… I see the head!”

“I need to push!” Mum groans. Push what, I just have time to wonder.

Later I understand. Then it is all confusing and a bit scary. Mum let’s go of my hand and grabs tight to the side of the couch. She makes a noise and face like I do when I have to do number two. Goodness, is she going to…

Daddy Jamie, listening intently to the voice on the other end of the phone, a voice we all hear now, as he has it on speaker, kneels in front of mum and places his hands on her private space.

I want to look away but I am mesmerized. The soothing voice on the other end of the line, helps.

Wait, he is holding…

“Sweep the mouth out with your hand then just ease the baby out.”

I stare wide eyed and shocked at the slimy strange creature he holds. It lets out a cry just as the wail of an approaching ambulance reaches us.

“There is no need to go to the hospital now,” mum says to Daddy Jamie and I’s amazement, “we are fine.”

They slimy thing was wrapped in a blanket, the strange thing attached to it, cut away. Still, mum was bleeding and something that made me feel sick had come out of her. No hospital! It seemed wrong.

“Mum, you need hospital. You are bleeding…”

“It is normal little man,” one of the ambulance people says, “after giving birth. Your mum is right. Her and your baby sister are fine.”

“Sister!” I study the wee thing, laying in my mum’s arms. A sister, she was supposed to be a brother. Still, she was cute now that she isn’t all gooey. She has red hair like Daddy Jamie. When I touch her wee hand, she clings to my finger. Maybe a sister won’t be to bad.

#my writing #outlander fanfic #he didn't have to be #chapter 4 #jamie and claire #outlander fandom #cannon divergence #modern au

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