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2020 DCU Bang Summaries

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2020 Summaries

1 Title: Green (may be renamed) Word Count: 9961 Genre: Fandom/Universe: Batman - All Media Types Characters/Pairings: Damian Wayne, Tim Drake, Jason Todd - Tim Drake/Jason Todd/Damian Wayne, Tim Drake/Damian Wayne, Tim Drake/Jason Todd, Jason Todd/Damian Wayne, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent (background), Jonathan Kent/Damian Wayne (background) Warnings: Dubcon, non-consensual drug use Rating: Explicit Summary: Jason and Tim agree to coach Damian through trying weed for the first time. All is going well, until they realise they’ve been dealt Ivy-brand weed and inadvertently been dosed with sex pollen. Obviously, a threesome ensues.

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2 Title: Love and Other Four-Letter Words Word Count: 10.4k Genre: Angsty Romance Fandom/Universe: Green Lantern, Green Arrow, Birds of Prey Characters/Pairings: Hal Jordan / Dinah Lance / Oliver Queen Warnings: Angst (happy ending), violence, gun violence, drinking, threesome, polyamory, open marriage, emotional infidelity, swearing, depression, self-loathing, nasty past breakup Rating: E Summary: After yet another breakup with Carol, Hal and Ollie find themselves on a road trip across America. Along the way, Hal starts to realize he’s feeling a bit more than friendship for his best friend. The days pass, and the two grow closer, but all too soon the trip must come to an end. On Ollie’s insistence, Hal agrees to stay with him and Dinah in their Star City home. He easily falls into routine with them, but living under the same roof has caused his feelings to multiply tenfold. After a rejected kiss in the middle of the night, Hal has to finally figure out what it is he wants. Dinah, caught in the middle of the two, is forced to confront her own feelings on the situation, eventually making her thoughts known. After a mission turned sour and a near-miss, the three grow closer still, eventually developing a relationship with each other. The story is entirely in Hal’s POV and there is quite a fair bit of self-hatred.

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3 Title: The sky's gonna hurt when it falls Word Count: 12k Genre: Drama, Angst, "Romance" Fandom/Universe: Nightwing (comics), Batman (All Media Types), Heathers (All Media Types) Characters/Pairings: Jason Todd/Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson & Barbara Gordon, Dick Grayson & Catalina Flores. Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Catalina Flores, Harley Quinn, Crystal Frost, Barbara Gordon, Roman Sionis, Jack Napier. Warnings: graphic violence, suicide, bullying, violence in schools, underage drinking, parental neglect, homophobia, drug use, major character death, threats of non-con, underage sex Rating: M Summary: All Dick Grayson ever wanted to make Gotham High School a better place. So when queen bee Catalina invites him to be part of the most powerful and ruthless clique in school, he jumps at the chance to accept her invitation---after all, it's easy to change the system when you're the one making the rules. Things get complicated after the arrival of the dangerous new kid, JT, who urges Dick to bite the bullet and abandon high school politics before it's too late. But Dick can't help but feel that JT has another plan for the bullet... AKA the Heathers/Jaydick crossover no one asked for. This work is set in 1989 and contains excessive use of 80s slang. Like the movie and musical, themes of violence, suicide, homophobia, and bullying are present throughout. Situations of dubious consent and threats of non-con are mentioned but not in detail.

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4 Title: The Ghosts of Robins Past Word Count: 9,399 Genre: Action, casefic, drama, canon divergence Fandom/Universe: Batman Characters/Pairings: Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake, Alfred Pennyworth, Jack Drake, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd. Jason Todd/Dick Grayson Warnings: Kidnapping, mentions of torture Rating: PG-13 Summary: Bruce never planned or wanted to take on a third Robin. Dick seemingly vanished off the face of the earth at fourteen and Jason was murdered at fifteen. Thirteen-year-old Tim Drake came into his life while he grieved for Jason, insisting Bruce needed a Robin to keep him balanced. Against his better judgment, he accepted and began training Tim. Now, at fourteen, Tim’s more than earned the mantle of Robin and his place at Bruce’s side. But did Bruce make a terrible mistake in accepting him? If something should happen to Tim, could he handle another loss? Bruce hopes he won’t have to answer that question. Soon he has a new case on his hands. People are being killed with gold tipped knives with owl symbols on their hilts. Bruce believes the killer is mimicking the Court of Owls to scare Gothamites while Tim believes a Talon is responsible. Dismissing the claim, Bruce continues to fight Gotham’s crime while doing his best to keep Tim safe. Even the best intentions fail. After a wrist injury prompts Bruce to send Tim home early, Bruce is horrified to receive a call from Jack the next morning saying Tim is missing. Try as they might neither man can find Tim. And Tim at last discovers what happens to the long lost Dick Grayson: he was abducted by the Court of Owls and trained to be a Talon along with the resurrected Jason Todd. Now, they have their eyes set on him.

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5 Title: Cats and Devil Bats Word Count: ~5,900 Genre: Romance, Supernatural, Action Fandom/Universe: Batman (comics) Characters/Pairings: Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne Warnings: Noncon, graphic violence Rating: NC-17 Summary: Batman is a violent vigilante who stalks and kills criminals. When Catwoman finally runs into him, she fully expects to die. But she doesn’t. In fact, he seems to want something else entirely from her. Meanwhile, Selina Kyle meets the enigmatic and very wealthy Bruce Wayne and the two begin a relationship. What happens when their two lives finally cross? And what’s all this about a Bat demon anyway? Everything takes place in Gotham: on rooftops, Bruce Wayne’s penthouse, Selina Kyle’s apartment, Wayne Manor, and the caves beneath it. The noncon is Batman/Catwoman and occurs throughout. It’s not 100% handled well by either of them. Relatively graphic violence in the later chapters, but nothing permanent.

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6 Title: What I Know Now (subject to change) Word Count: 9k written, maybe 12k total Genre: Angst, fluff, adventure Fandom/Universe: DC Comics or Young Justice Characters/Pairings: Jason Todd/Dick Grayson, Jason Todd & Damian Wayne Warnings: None Rating: PG, T Summary: Set in a YJ timeline where Jason and Dick are only two years apart, Dick falls in love with Jason when they're younger only to be devastated when he dies. And although Jason comes back to life as normal, he instead stays with the League and becomes a brother figure to Damian. Eventually Damian is sent to live with his father, and as his new family begins to grow on him, he begins to tell them more and more of "Akhi," who sounds achingly familiar to Dick. This story is set mostly in Gotham, with a few scenes in Nanda Parbat in the middle when Jason and Damian are with the League. No major warnings besides the Jason/Dick relationship if that bothers you. Some swearing and descriptions of Jason's death and resurrection, but it is not in explicit detail.

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7 Title: To the Fairest Word Count: 18,000 written Genre: Mystery Fandom/Universe: Batman (comics) Characters/Pairings: Bruce Wayne/Zatanna, Bruce Wayne, Zatanna Zatara, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Kara Zor-El Warnings: canon level violence Rating: Teen Summary: The Queen of Fables has another tale to tell… In this thrilling mystery Zatanna, the Mistress of Magic, wow’s audiences while solving crimes with the help of her new sidekick: Batman. Co starring in this mystical mystery are the youngest world's finest trio: Robin, Robin, and Supergirl. Will they be able to return a Talon to his nest or will birds fly? Join us in Gotham city, Metropolis, a witch's sales outlet, and a creepy shake filled with sentient vines. No warnings need apply.

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8 Title: we could put some roots down Word Count: 14378 Genre: Fluff, Romance, Drama Fandom/Universe: DCU (pre-New-52), Nightwing, Deathstroke Characters/Pairings: Slade Wilson/Dick Grayson, Batam Warnings: family drama, Bruce Wayne’s A+ Parenting, mention of Catalina Flores Rating: PG-13/Teen Summary: A set of multiple vignettes that center on Dick and Slade as they interact with the other members of the Batfam as Tim and Bruce come home to act as a catalyst of change. Dick grapples with what Bruce’s return means for his time as Batman while Jason teases that his relationship with Slade might be moving to the next stage. Dick and Tim finally get closure and the ability to clear the air between them while engaging in a bit of brotherly bonding and teasing. As always, Alfred holds all the answers. The story takes place mainly on the grounds of Wayne Manor, in the Bat Cave, or inside the Manor itself. The timeframe of the story takes place over the course of a few weeks to a month.

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9 Title: Scarlet Tears Word Count: 12,857 Genre: Action/Adventure Fandom/Universe: The Flash Characters/Pairings: Barry Allen/Leonard Snart Warnings: mpreg Rating: Explicit Summary: Leonard Snart decided to take a break from the Legends, with Mick in tow. They head back to Central City, only to find Team Flash in a bit of trouble…well not the team just Barry. A young Meta causes trouble with her power exactly what is her deal?

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10 Title: The Date (or The Bargain, haven’t decided yet) Word Count: 6,040 Genre: drama, hurt/comfort Fandom/Universe: Batman, Red Robin, Ra’s al Ghul/League of Assassins Characters/Pairings: Tim Drake, Slade Wilson, Ra’s al Ghul, Kon-El/Conner Kent, Bruce Wayne. Ra’s/Tim pairing Warnings: Kidnapping Rating: PG Summary: After a long and exhausting week all Tim looks forward to is catching up on his sleep. Much to his surprise he wakes up not in his comfortable bed but handcuffed to a seat aboard Slade Wilson’s private jet. He soon discovers that Ra’s al Ghul paid Slade to kidnap him and deliver him into Ra’s’ care. Angry, Tim’s thinking of his escape when Ra’s presents him with a deal: if a member of his family contacts him in one week, Ra’s will leave Tim alone for six months. Tim accepts the deal. As days pass with radio silence from the Bats, Tim has to face the truth about how all of them have grown apart and they’ve done little to draw him back in. Is he better off staying with Ra’s despite their vastly different morals? Or does Bruce deserve a chance to prove himself?

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11 Title: When You Move, I Move Word Count: 9150 Genre: Fantasy, Action/Adventure Fandom/Universe: Batman, Nightwing, Red Hood and the Outlaws Characters/Pairings: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Dick Grayson/Catalina Flores, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Jason Todd & Damian Wayne Warnings: Non-Con/Dub-Con (non-graphic) Rating: R Summary: Despite having been in love with one another since they were children, Crown Prince Richard and Dragon Slayer Jason are faced with the fact that they are bound by duty and law to never marry. King Bruce manages to come up with a plan that would allow the pair to remain close and for Richard to fulfill his duty as the future king. He proposes a marriage of convenience to a woman, Catalina of House Flores, who is on the brink of permanent maidenhood after having been passed over by too many men in the past. And though she was aware that the future king would never love her, Catalina grows bitter and jealous over the love between the two men and the love her and Richard’s son shares with that man. So she calls upon the help of a crone to curse both men to live this life and all future lives close to one another but never allowing them to be together. And though the crone grants the curse she places a contingency: if one of them were to die before their 18th birthday then the curse would be lifted and they would be reunited to share the love they have been denied. When Dick and Jason come into contact with the god Fate in their current life, the pair are made aware of what had been stolen from them decades in the past and shown that because of Jason’s untimely death at the age of 15, the curse has been lifted. And Jason is finally given the answer as to why he was awoken in his grave all those years prior. With the truth laid out before them, the pair must figure out what it means for them in this lifetime and all future ones.

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12 Title: The Sorrows Of Healing Word Count: 18k of 20-22k written Genre: Slice Of Life, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Character-centric Fandom/Universe: Batman - All Media Types, Batman (Comics), AU from Battle of the Cowl Characters/Pairings: Dick Grayson & Tim Drake, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Alfred Pennyworth - Alfred Pennyworth, Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne, Tim Drake Warnings: Off-Screen Character Death, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Intentions, Racism, Past/Referenced Child Abuse, Hospitals and Therapy Rating: M Summary: It was Dick who had taken up the Cowl after Bruce had died. It was Dick who had become Batman, taking Damian, Tim, and Alfred with him to the penthouse for a fresh start. But things could never be that easy. All of them were haunted by sorrow: Tim not capable of believing that his second father was gone as well, Dick almost breaking under the pressure of standing tall in the face of a crisis, Damian uncomfortable and lost in these unfamiliar waters he was forced to navigate, and Alfred mourning yet another child. In a world in which Bruce actually died, becoming a family again is harder than some might think. In the midst of fights, the racist white Gotham High Society, and Tim, who fled the nest in a last attempt to resurrect something that no longer exists, it is hard to find hope, and yet all of them somehow manage to do so anyways. The story mostly takes place in their Gotham City penthouse, a ballroom, a Baghdad hospital room, and the graveyard. This is a story of healing - but also about the growing pains along the way - so be aware that Tim and Dick deal with depression (Tim with suicidal thoughts and intentions as well), that Damian and Dick face racism, that Damian's childhood will be referenced as the unpretty mess that is was, and that Bruce will not return. His children will have to learn how to fly on their own.

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13 Title: since you’ve been gone (I can breathe for the first time) Word Count: 9,134 Genre: whump, hurt/comfort Fandom/Universe: Batfamily comics (mostly preboot canon with occasional elements of New 52 & Reboot canons) Characters/Pairings: Tim Drake, Batfamily, implied one-sided Tim Drake/Ra’s al-Ghul Warnings: Body horror, depression, child abuse, body modification (consensual and non-consensual), terminal illness, child death, substance abuse (harmful self-medication). Rating: Mature Summary: A study of Tim Drake and his experiences with Hanahaki (specifically, familial Hanahaki), mostly following comics canon with a few changes. Starts when Tim is a child (pre-Robin). He befriends the Gotham Sirens after seeking out Poison Ivy to obtain a growth stopper for his Hanahaki, and later befriends Jason-as-Robin. After Jason’s death and Tim’s parents find out about his Hanahaki, Tim seeks out Batman and becomes Robin. Eventually, after he starts spending time with Bruce, his Hanahaki fades. Years later, following the events of Red Robin and Tim’s distancing from the family, it returns with a vengeance. This story is primarily set in Gotham (at Wayne and Drake manors and the Batcave in particular), with scenes in Iceland (including a glacier) and other locations around the world. Being a Hanahaki fic, the story does contain quite a bit of body horror and terminal illness. The depression occurs throughout due to the Hanahaki & events of Red Robin, as does the body modification (in reference to forced surgery and growth-stopping drugs Tim takes (also the substance abuse tag).). Child abuse is neglect on the part of Tim’s parents, and correlates to the non-consensual body modification tag. Child death is Jason Todd’s canon death.

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14 Title: Forging Friendship Word Count: 4k Genre: Action/Adventure Fandom/Universe: Young Justice Characters/Pairings: Roy Harper, Kaldur’ahm, Black Manta Warnings: None Rating: PG-13 Summary: Green Arrow takes Speedy on a mission at the Star City Wharf with Aquaman and the new to the surface Aqualad. When the mentors give them a solo task, Speedy is very unsure about working with the new hero and tries to only focus on his mission. However, the mission goes wrong, forcing Speedy to risk his life, and face his fears, to save Aqualad. This story takes place primarily at night at a warehouse near the ocean. However actions scenes take place inside the warehouse with lots of crates that create a maze effect, and at the end of the story they’re all on fire.

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15 Title: (Better Things to do than) Chasing White Rabbits Word Count: 4k of what will likely be 6k Genre: Romcom and action/adventure Fandom/Universe: DC, Pacific Rim Characters/Pairings: Slade Wilson/Dick Grayson Warnings: violence, swearing, slurs (Gipsy Danger is the canon name of a jaeger), overprotective parent Bruce Wayne, sexual innuendo, secret identities, Slade's canonical bad parenting (but at least he's trying to work on that), accidental relationship, family drama, frenemies to lovers Rating: Explicit just in case, though I don't think sex will happen until the next installment in the series Summary: Rumor has it that Dick Grayson can drift with anyone. Slade Wilson has the opposite problem, and kids. Killing kaiju may be easier than parenting, and that's with Grayson playing mediator when he inevitably messes up. Dick, meanwhile, is tired of Bruce overstepping boundaries, and Slade just offered him a chance to help a villain redeem himself while also rubbing B's nose in the fact that clinging so tightly is more likely to drive all his kids away than make anyone want to stay. Even Nightwing has a rep for cheerful spite. Stacker Pentecost is too tired for this; he's got a daughter pushing to join the program, said program to run, and the Becket brothers are enough of a headache. That said, if an internationally wanted mercenary is truly willing to join the program, he'll welcome Deathstroke. He just doesn't want to lose Grayson in the process, or the Wayne family funding for the program. Jason, meanwhile, wins Best Brother accolades, and not just for donning Nightwing while Dick pilots giant robots.

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16 Title: in reverse, tragedy Word Count: ~12k Genre: Drama, Action Fandom/Universe: Batman, no specific canon Characters/Pairings: No Pairings, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Talia al Ghul Warnings: Dehumanization of Talons, Canon-Typical Violence, Decapitation Rating: PG Summary: Around two years after Batman fires Robin and Jason Todd (AKA Batboy) returns from an interstellar mission to find his sort of little brother missing, Talia al Ghul's jet touches down in Gotham. Her objective? Take revenge on the Court of Owls, the secret society hidden under Gotham that ordered Ra's al Ghul's death at the hands of a Talon, one of their personal assassins. During her mission, Talia is once again confronted by the Talon she fought when defending her father. After an intense battle in the Court's underground labyrinth, Talia defeats the Talon. As she unmasks him, she realizes that this Talon is the key to answering a question that has plagued even the Batman: what happened to Dick Grayson? (Sort of a Reverse Robins story, but more accurately a Mix-'Em-Up Robins story.)

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17 Title: bury the dead where they're found Word Count: 8K-ish Genre: Action Fandom/Universe: Batman (Comics) Characters/Pairings: Dick/Koriand'r, Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Slade Wilson, Gotham Rogues Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Murder Rating: PG-13 Summary: After returning to Earth and discovering his little brother is dead, Dick Grayson finds himself questioning how heroic Batman's "No Kill" rule truly is. Faced with Bruce's temper and the disrespectful ways Bruce has chosen to honor Jason, Dick decides it's time to take matters into his own hands, and makes a plan to remove the threat of the Gotham Rogues once and for all. Jason Todd, freshly back from the dead, doesn't understand what happened when he looks at the news in Gotham and sees that the Joker is dead. Determined to figure it out, he leaves Talia and makes his way back to the city that led to his death, only to learn from a strange source the truth of what went on while he was away. This story takes place in various locations, including the batcave, an apartment, Arkham Asylum, and the streets of Gotham.

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18 Title: Coffee Shop Love Word Count: 7,494 Genre: Fluff, Romance, Crossover, Alternate Canon Fandom/Universe: DC Comics/MCU Characters/Pairings: Dick Grayson/Tim Drake/James "Bucky" Barnes, Owens/Pru/Z, Conner, Cassie, Bruce/Diana, Bart, Cassie/Cass, Jason/Roy/Kory Warnings: None Rating: PG-13 Summary: Five years ago, Tim Drake saved Bruce and walked away from his so-called family and with Owens, Z, Pru and Bucky Barnes the Winter Solider and started up a small coffee shop with only Conner, Cass, Bart, Cassie and Alfred knowing where he is. Tim was happy until the day the Bats and the Avengers found him. Dick has never forgiven himself for driving away Tim, he longs to make things right with him, even if they never become anything but brothers but those plans are derailed when it comes clear to him that James "Bucky" Barnes has more than friendly feelings for Tim. Soon it becomes Dick vs. Bucky for Tim's heart. Tim just wishes that they would have asked him first.

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19 Title: Against His Heart Word Count: 6,566 Genre: Angst, PWP, rape recovery, happy/hopeful ending Fandom/Universe: DCU, no particular canon Characters/Pairings: Dick Grayson/Roy Harper Warnings: Past rape/noncon, slut-shaming, consensual nonconsent Rating: NC-17 Summary: The morning after Dick Grayson learns that Tarantula has died in prison, he gets on a train. Somehow he ends up at Roy's place. Nobody knows about everything that happened with Tarantula; even Dick forgets parts of it. He wishes he could erase everyone who'd ever touched him, even if that would erase Roy, so that Roy could touch him anew. They decide to pretend, and play out a situation where Dick is a virgin. A few awkward hiccups and a whole lot of feelings come out. It makes Dick realize something he wants--something he needs, maybe. He wants to pretend to struggle and say no and for Roy to keep going. They pick a safeword, Dick promises to use it, and so he does. Most of the scenes will take place in Roy's apartment which is somewhere in south New Jersey. It's not an AU (i.e. they are superheros), but they're out of uniform for the story. This is definitely a PWP, with a focus on sexual trauma, beginning to heal from trauma, and hints of a burgeoning DickRoy romance. There are no flashbacks to rape, but there are mentions of it throughout, including Dick's feelings towards his own body and his thoughts during sex with Roy. For a majority of the fic, Roy believes that Dick's relationship with Tarantula was fully consensual, before Dick ends up telling him that it wasn't. Dick is a trans man, and Roy is a cis man.

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20 Title: Stay Awake With Me Word Count: 10,738 of 40k Genre: Mystery, Case-fic Fandom/Universe: Court of Owls (comics) Characters/Pairings: Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne Warnings: Major Character Death, Violence Rating: NC-17 Summary: When Dick goes missing, the family works together to try and find him. When Bruce goes missing, the mystery only begins to show itself. In an investigation which will span decades, Clark must work together with the remaining members of the Batfamily to unravel the secrets of Gotham's underbelly, and not only stop the Court of Owls in their bid for power, but to also catch Talon!Bruce and Talon!Dick. The fic will explore two timelines: the 'present' timeline which deals with the court of owls plot and a 'past' timeline that explores Clark's role in the batfamily.

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21 Title: The Maiden in the Tower Word Count: 6k complete so far, looking to be around 10-11k total. Genre: Urban Fantasy, Romantic Comedy, light Drama Fandom/Universe: primarily the pre-Flashpoint DC canon, though that’s more of a guideline than a hard rule. Characters/Pairings: Everyone Loves Tim Drake, ultimately Dick/Tim; Klarion the Witch Boy, Bruce, Barbara, Cass, Cassie, Kon and Bart all have prominent roles. Featuring cameos from as much of the DCU as I can fit in before the deadline, primarily Titans and Young Justice. Warnings: Low-key canon-typical violence and a ‘happily ever after’ kiss for two (full-grown) adopted brothers. Swearing. A few people get made the butt of jokes but it’s nothing too mean-spirited. Rating: PG-13 (technically R for swearing but content-wise it’s strictly PG-13) Summary: Klarion’s idea of the perfect birthday present is to trap Tim in the highest room (Bruce’s office) of the tallest tower in Gotham (Wayne Enterprises) and flood the rest of the building with a mix of living vines and fairy tale obstacles that can only be overcome by Tim’s true love. Shenanigans ensue as half the superhero community competes for the hand of the fair maid Red Robin. Pay-off is Dick/Tim but the lion's share of the page time is spent watching people fight fairytale tropes while Tim and Klarion snark with popcorn. Light-hearted comedy in which some characters get made to look the fool, ultimately gets no sexier than a True Love’s Ending Kiss. Set entirely within a vine-infested, magically-warped Wayne Tower with everyone from the Bats to the Titans to Tim’s civilian friends dealing with fairytale nonsense: glass mountains, living office supplies, pixies swarms, catching the cat who has the key to the next floor, etc. Meanwhile Tim hangs out in the penthouse with Klarion and a pint of ice cream watching the event like a reality show and getting dunked on for being an archetypal Disney Princess. Fun times for all with a light sprinkling of angst for flavor.

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22 Title: The Antecedents to Reunion Word Count: 13,500 (out of approx. 20k) Genre: Steampunk AU, slice of life, case fic Fandom/Universe: Batman comics, drawing heavily from the Court of Owls storyline and Cass's Batgirl run Characters/Pairings: Cassandra Cain/Stephanie Brown (preslash), Tim Drake, Jason Todd, Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson Warnings: non-canonical limb loss, temporary character death, fake character death, grief/mourning, implied brainwashing, past child abuse, drug use in an interrogation by a minor character Rating: PG-13/Teen Summary: In a verison of Gotham that never existed, a version of Gotham where clockwork and steam bring the city through the night, Dick Grayson is believed to be dead, and Cassandra Wayne has just returned from Hong Kong. But as Cass settles back into the city, she quickly discovers that something-- or someone-- is trying to get her attention, and that the clock is ticking on how much time she has to figure it out. This is very much a "slice-of-life" fic, except it's set in a Steampunk AU. This story is set mostly in Gotham, with there being one flashback scene to Cass’s apartment in Hong Kong. In Gotham, characters go to the manor, a gala, an ice cream parlor, and the Iceberg Lounge. There is also a fight scene in Robinson Park against Poison Ivy, in a villain’s apartment against droids, and a brief chase scene across rooftops. The plot with the Court of Owls is fairly in the background of this fic, as the real focus is Cass, her relationships with the other bats, and the intricacies of mourning. This story has a hopeful ending, in that it ends with Cass discovering that Dick is alive, but the actual reunion is left to the reader’s imagination.

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23 Title: With Blood and Rage of Crimson Red Word Count: 6,968 Genre: Angst, Action/Adventure Fandom/Universe: DCU, Batfam, Lantern Corps Characters/Pairings: Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Hal Jordan, Guy Gardener, John Stewart, Bleez, Rankorr, no pairings (however, I might include hints of Batlantern (HalxBruce) later) Warnings: Canon-Typical Violence, mentions of past underage attempted rape, mentions of past drug use, mentions of past child abuse Rating: PG-13 Summary: Jason was only 11 when his life was irreversibly changed. Now the newest member of the Red Lantern Corps, he is immediately thrust into a dangerous game where losing could mean death. With practically half the villains in the universe after him and the rest of the Lantern Corps, Jason must watch his step at every corner. To overcome this threat and find a way to save himself and the people he cares for, Jason must first overcome his own inner demons and learn to trust himself and the people around him. This story is set on multiple planets throughout the DC Universe. On Earth, we see Gotham City, the Batcave, and the Watchtower, in space, they travel to Ysmault and other planets that I made up for the purpose fo the fic (so you will have mostly free reign with the design of those planets if you choose to draw scenes involving them). This story involves canon-typical violence throughout. At the start, there are mentions of child abuse, and there is camera footage shown of attempted rape of a minor, but nothing explicit. At the start of the story, Catherine Todd is found by Jason post-OD and that is mentioned a few times throughout the story. The abuse and attempted rape are mentioned a little throughout the story, but not much, as it is not the focus, rather a back story for Jason. Other than that, there is no smut, or even pairings (unless I decide to do the Batlantern, but that will be a minor background pairing). There might be some language, but it is kept to a minimum.

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24 Title: You Have Their Eyes (But You'll Never Have Their Smile) Word Count: 6,679 Genre: Action/Adventure, Mystery, Angst Fandom/Universe: DCU, Justice League Characters/Pairings: Jason Todd, Kyle Rayner, Donna Troy, Chris Kent, Lorena Marquez, Connor Hawke, possibly Jaykyle Warnings: Canon Typical Violence, Mentions of Past Character Death, might have some minor language Rating: PG-13 Summary: Eight years ago, the Justice League vanished into thin air. Since then, their proteges have been left behind to pick up the pieces of a broken world. Struggling to fill shoes that don't quite fit, the next generation of the Justice League is faced with their pasts as an old case makes a reappearance, eight years after the original Justice League closed it. This is set on Earth, in various locations like Wayne Enterprises, the Watchtower, the Whitehouse, Los Angeles, Malaysia, and Atlantis. As stated before, violence is a part of this fic, but nothing more than you would normally see in canon. Past character deaths are mentioned, including Jason's temporary death, and the supposed deaths of the original Justice League. There is cussing, but only like two or three words in the entire fic. There are also mentions of a court stripping away Donna's parental rights to Terry.

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25 Title: Heavy the Head Word Count: 4k~ Genre: Greek Gods AU Fandom/Universe: No specific canon Characters/Pairings: Dick Grayson/Slade Wilson, assorted batfamily characters Warnings: No real warnings; there's some smut at one point in the fic Rating: NC-17 (overall it's rather tame, but some smut) Summary: Slade is an old nature god, one rather bored with the politics of Olympus. He is, however, rather fascinated by the reserved god of the dead Richard, remembering how different the boy was back when he truly was just a boy. He's always like oddities and figuring out puzzles, and Richard certainly is one at that. Dick would really prefer that everyone leave him alone to do the job he was assigned a millenia ago. Visiting Olympus brings him no peace, not when he knows he'll have to leave again soon, not to see his family for another century or so. Of course, there's always Slade, who's happy to give more than Dick is usually comfortable accepting. Not that that ends up being a bad thing. This story takes place in Mount Olympus, at a waterfall, and in the Underworld.

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26 Title: Hearts Beating Side by Side Word Count: 3,600 Genre: Romance, Drama Fandom/Universe: Young Justice Verse Characters/Pairings: Garth - Tempest/Kaldur'ahm/Dick Grayson Warnings: Threesome, misunderstanding, pining, dirty talk Rating: Summary: On the precipice of changes in their lives, Garth and Kaldur find a momentary reunion and the repressed childhood love that they have both harbored for the other is reignited. But the weekend won't be an easy fall into long awaited love. Nightwing has reappeared after months of silence in the guise of his civilian persona, Dickie Wayne-Grayson. And even though he's playing the part of full-time playboy, Garth can see the spark that Dick lights within Kaldur. And it's not a one-sided feeling. A weekend of diplomacy is consumed by Garth and Dick's competing jealousy; each believing Kaldur has eyes for the other. Garth thinks Dick is leading Kaldur on, and Dick thinks Garth has won Kaldur's heart before the weekend even began. They bicker, and banter, until they Bang It Out. When Kaldur catches them, there's guilt, and confessions and polyamorous negotiations.

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27 Title: hold onto the fire even if you have to burn Word Count: ~7k Genre: Angst with a happy ending Fandom/Universe: DCU (specifically Batfam) and post-Underworld Unleashed Characters: Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Zatanna Zatara, John Constantine, Donna Troy Pairings: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd (endgame), Dick Grayson/John Constantine/Zatanna (temporary) Warnings: Threesome, rape/non-con mentioned, self-harm (through magic), depression, lack of self-worth, explicit content, graphic violence, temporary major character deaths. Rating: NC-17 Summary: Dick Grayson is no Batman. After Bruce Wayne refuses to resurrect the late Jason Todd, Dick takes matters into his own hands. Armed with the knowledge of a deal that didn't go through, Dick allies himself with Zatanna and Constantine in a bid to right the wrong that Bruce ignores -- even though souls come at a cost. Dick knows he's strong enough to take the pain to save Jason. But can he stop at Jason? Can he let his fallen friends and family stay dead? Dick is determined to save everyone he can, even if it means losing his soul. The story takes place in multiple locations, primarily in Gotham and Neron's throne room in Hell, with occasional switches to Bludhaven. Rape/non-con refers to past instances (Dick/Mirage, Dick/Catalina) that are discussed at length. Threesome takes place as part of a magic ritual. Self-harm is heavily implied through self-sacrificial actions and reckless behavior (as well as the literal deals with a devil). Graphic violence will be canon-typical. Deaths are canonical deaths and happen offscreen (with the exception of Donna Troy and Damian Wayne who die in front of Dick and are described vividly). There's an alternative ending that includes Dick Grayson dying, but that's only one of two endings that will both be written.

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28 Title: The Deepest Secret Nobody Knows Word Count: ~6500 written (~15000 total) Genre: Romance Fandom/Universe: General DCU, Batman, Green Lantern Characters/Pairings: Bruce Wayne/Hal Jordan Warnings: Unintentional Exhibitionalism, characters/relationship being outed without their consent Rating: Explicit/NC-17 Summary: Hal and Bruce have been fucking for a full year, but have only been in an acknowledged relationship for six months. A jealous co-worker, who will stop at nothing to destroy Bruce Wayne, has a private romantic encounter between Bruce and Hal taped, then releases photos of the encounter to the press. Hal now finds himself thrust into a part of Bruce's life that he'd only had a vague impression of previously. While he believes that his and Bruce's relationship is solid, he's still left wondering if this will prove to be too much trouble to bother with, for himself, for Bruce, and for Bruce's family. Takes place primarily in Gotham (WEI offices, the Batcave, and the manor), with minor placement on the Watchtower, in Hal's apartment in Coast City, and varying Bruce boltholes around Earth. No serious warnings, other than semi-graphic/graphic sex.

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29 Title: In the Shadow of the Empire Word Count: About 12 or 13k, just under 9k written Genre: SciFi, Action/Adventure Fandom/Universe: Batman (though no particular canon), Star Wars AU Characters/Pairings: JayDick, JayTim, implied DickTim, pre-DickTimJay, Cass, Steph Warnings: Graphic descriptions of violence, dub con Rating: NC-17 Summary: For most of the galaxy, life under the Empire's thumb was difficult, stressful, and painfully short. Dick and Jason knew this all too well, trying to keep their rustbucket of a ship in one piece while living job to job on the fringes of the Empire's control. It was a hard life, but as an ex-Jedi and a so-called 'troublemaker' wanted in multiple Empire systems, they didn't have much choice. But when a job goes wrong, they and their crew find themselves on the run from the Hand of the Emperor; a masked dark side user who is as feared as his origins are mysterious... and who is much more involved in Dick and Jason's past than either of them could guess. This story exists within a Star Wars setting, roughly around the time of the Original Trilogy. Scenes take place aboard Jason's ship, on a derelict Republic cruiser (i.e. no lights and without atmosphere or gravity), and on a small, heavily forested moon where the showdown happens between the ship's crew (Dick, Jason, Cass, and Steph) and Dark Side!Tim. The graphic violence is to the tune of blaster and lightsaber wounds. The dub-con occurs when Jason drunkenly sleeps with a stranger at a bar, who later is implied to be Dark Side!Tim undercover. This counts as dub-con because Tim is actively concealing his identity to get information out of Jason and because Jason would likely not have slept with him if he knew who he was and what he was doing.

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30 Title: There Be Dragons Word Count: 6425 words Genre: Urban Fantasy, Dragons Fandom/Universe: Batman Characters/Pairings: JayDick Warnings: Descriptions of burning buildings, violence, some gore Rating: M Summary: In Gotham, there be dragons. A pureblood dragon, Bruce revolved his vigilante persona around his ancestry, to become, Dragonman. Dick’s dragonhood was a direct result of Bruce’s ingenious DNA bonding–a gift he now refuses to use. For a moment in his life, however, he tolerated it, for Jason. Then Jason died. For six months, as far as Dick and Bludhaven was concerned, there were no goddamn dragons. Then one night, fire licked the sky. No matter how fast Dick ran, swung and flew, it was too damn late. A casino was razed to the ground. Human bodies stacked in piles. The shadow of a red dragon’s wings flapped in a distance. There was no question, however impossible, who did it. Dick couldn’t believe it. Dick wouldn’t believe it. This dragon flew around in Dick’s city on a raging warpath, knowing more than he was letting on. Dick intended to find it, and stop it.

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31 Title: When the Winds are Howling Strong Word Count: 3040 Genre: Found family, omegaverse, no capes AU Fandom/Universe: Batfam, Red Hood and the Outlaws Characters/Pairings: Jason Todd, Dick Grayson Warnings: Implied non graphic rape, intersex omegas, severe misogyny against omegas. Dick is a cop but he’s on leave through 90% of the fic Rating: PG-13/Teen. Nothing is graphic, but the topics are heavy Summary: Dick signed up to be a foster alpha, but never expected that he would actually be given an omega. Then Gorden’s men find an gang’s omega in heat and in bad shape. Since most foster alphas are searching for a mate, Dick is given custody over the omega. Jason was pulled off the streets by Joker’s gang when he was fifteen and life’s only gotten worse from there. As a gang omega, Jason served mostly as a form of recreation for the other gang members. After four years in hell, Jason’s given up all hope of escape. He’s got a new alpha who seems decent, but past experience has taught him those are the worst ones. Found family is the core of this fic. Dick helps Jason with his reintroduction into society/introduction to Gotham’s high society and both are forced to confront their internalized prejudices against other castes. It’s set in Gotham and explores both the slums and the glitzier districts. Jason and other male omegas will be depicted as wearing more feminine styles, including dresses and skirts. Key scenes: Dick taking custody of Jason, Dick and Jason growing used to each other, Tim and Damian meeting Jason by accident, Jason dumping out all of Dick’s liquor cabinet, Dick taking Jason shopping, Jason meeting Bruce and Alfred, Dick takes Jason to a gala and they work through a meltdown, Jason shows Dick where he used to live before Penguin and Joker, Dick and Jason fight after finding out everything Jason did in the gangs, Sheila makes an appearance, Jason is induced into an artificial heat, Dick and Bruce find Jason who is already making progress to rescue himself, End by Jason cutting the ribbon to an omega shelter.

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32 Title: Midnight Rendezvous Word Count: 4000+ Genre: PWP, Drama Fandom/Universe: Batman, Nightwing/Grayson Characters/Pairings: Midnighter/Dick Grayson, Bruce/Dick Grayson Warnings: Explicit sex, References to violence, Maybe unsafe sex Rating: NC-17 Summary: Dick is tired of the Golden Boy act. Tired of waiting for Bruce’s approval. And he’s beyond tired of not being noticed... So tonight, he’s going to find someone one who will.

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33 Title: crowns of violets and roses Word Count: 3009 Genre: Romance, Alternate Universe - Greek Mythology Fandom/Universe: Batman - All Media Types Characters/Pairings: Bruce Wayne/Jason Todd Warnings: Attempted non con, swearing, descriptions of violence Rating: Explicit (NC-17) Summary: Modern Hades & Persephone AU. After Bruce Wayne’s parents die, he becomes lord of the underworld, leaving the seasons and harvest unattended. Replacing him are the two Robins, Dick and Jason, spirits of spring and growth, but neither is able to fully step into the Waynes’ empty mantle. Things are further complicated when Dick wants to move on to a new role and Jason’s propositioned by another god. Bruce pulls Jason into the underworld, offering him sanctuary from the threats above. In the shadows, Jason finds both his strength and love. But without the work of both Robins, the land crumbles, threatening the lives of mortals and the power of the gods. The only solution is for Jason to return, unless Bruce is able to out think their enemies. The setting for this story is largely modern with stylized elements from different periods (gothic, art deco). The Underworld, which is the primary setting, is heavily influenced by Wayne Manor and the Cave from comics and the animated series. Other places can have a more Gotham art deco influence.

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34 Title: Bruce Wayne, the Court of… Word Count: 4035 Genre: AU, humor, fluff, angst Fandom/Universe: Batman comics, Nightwing comics, Red Hood and the Outlaws comics, Batman: Under the Red Hood Characters/Pairings: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne Warnings: rape, death, beating, abuse, violence, spoilers for: Forever Evil arc, Court of Owls arc, recent Nightwing comic arc, recent Batman comic arc, Red Hood and the Outlaws #25, Batman and Red Hood #20 Rating: T/Teen And Up Audiences /PG14+ Summary: Bruce had made many mistakes in his life. The most horrifying and disastrous were the ones involving his family. The way he treated them, deceived, hurt and used finally blew in his face and he had to face the consequences. There was no forgiveness for him now, not from any of them. But maybe there was a way to avoid it all. This story is meant as a fix-it to all the mess the canon turned into. While the story focuses on talking about canonical events there are a lot of headcanon/fanon/tropes put into it as well ie. romantic relationship between adopted brothers. And although the topics discussed are serious matters the fic itself is slightly crackish. The story takes place in Gotham during the Batman: Under the Red Hood events. At first the action is placed all over the city: rooftops, docks, parking lot, train station; for it to narrow down to an abandoned hotel room.

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35 Title: Do You Love The Summer Like I Do? Word Count: 6116 words Genre: Romance, Action Fandom/Universe: Batman, Red Hood and the Outlaws Characters/Pairings: JayRoy Warnings: Descriptions of physical trauma, healing from injuries, violence, some gore Rating: M Summary: Those hazy nights spent blinking in and out of consciousness, events of Bruce cracking his hood open like an egg replaying like a neverending nightmare. Waking up to a stuffy bed, IV drips and the simmering heat. Roy’s dumb, handsome face hovering worriedly beside him. For those months of grueling physical therapy, Jason could depend on one thing to keep him going--Roy’ love. Jason would have put any grand plans of his to a screeching halt, if Roy asked him to stay on that island forever. But he had therapy to go to. Jason could respect that. Then, Roy died. And Jason missed the funeral. But unlike every other piece of shit who dared to call themselves Roy’s friends, Jason wasn’t about to let him lie. And he had a way of bringing him back.

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#dcu bang #DC comics #DCTV #dc fanfic #dc fanart

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bloodofthefates · 4 years ago

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* 𝙴𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃 𝙿𝙴𝙾𝙿𝙻𝙴 𝙸'𝙳 𝙻𝙸𝙺𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝙶𝙴𝚃 𝚃𝙾 𝙺𝙽𝙾𝚆 𝙱𝙴𝚃𝚃𝙴𝚁.

𝟎𝟏 . 𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐀𝐒 / 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 • J/Jordan (ew) 𝟎𝟐 . 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘 • 08/21 𝟎𝟑 . 𝐙𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐂 𝐒𝐈𝐆𝐍 • Leo/Virgo cusp 𝟎𝟒 . 𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 • 5′4 𝟎𝟓 . 𝐇��𝐁𝐁𝐈𝐄𝐒 • staying home? writing. music? wow I sound so boring. 𝟎𝟔 . 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐑 • sunflower yellow & burnt orange. 𝟎𝟕 . 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐁𝐎𝐎𝐊 • uhhhhh. Pride & Prejudice because I feel like it shaped a lot of my ridiculous personality in my life. & I’m a hopeless romantic despite my cynical exterior. 𝟎𝟖 . 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 • Who Are You by SVRCINA 𝟎𝟗 . 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐌 / 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖 • TITANIC & The Last Kingdom (wow original very) 𝟏𝟎 . 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 • Literally the second Stiorra was introduced on TLK in all of her sassy glory “MY FATHER CALLS HIMSELF UHTRED OF BEBBANBURG, WHO ARE YOU?!” & I was in love. I also fell in love with Iseult purely for the fact that I think Charlie Murphy is incredible so here we are. 𝟏𝟏. 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐁𝐄𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐔𝐑𝐋 • I’M IN A VIKING PHASE MOM! so I this was my first stab at a multi that has turned into basically a TLK fan blog that sometimes writes things so I feel like the mystic & violent ties to the name are v. fitting.

tagged by: @nxtawitch tagging: anyone? I feel like everyone I know got tagged LOL

#✲ OOC #✲ MUN POST

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kayincolwyn · 5 years ago

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Trying To Find My Way In This Weird And Wild World

So it's been over a year and a month now since I've written a post for my blog... or my blarg, or my bleh, or whatever this is that maybe only a handful of people will ever read, and that I mostly just write for myself to get things out and try to process them. I guess you could say I’ve been putting it off for different reasons until now, and sure, I've had some ideas on what to write, and have had a lot that I've wanted to say, but, well...

Maybe I could explain it like this: I was listening to this guy on Youtube recently who was wondering if anything he had to say had any real weight, if he really had any right to say whatever he had to say, and he said something about how your words and ideas and beliefs may not have much value if they can't create real change, whether in your own life or in the lives of others. Or the proof is in the pudding as they say. I can relate to those reservations about what I have to say, here or anywhere else really, and I wonder how much real change my words or ideas or beliefs create, if any, and I guess that's part of why I've been putting this off, and is it even worth it to try to say something, when my words may have only very little, if any, power behind them? I've written a few things here and there over the last year, the occasional poem or reflection, mostly shared on my Facebook page, and I’ve wondered about those things too, if there was any real weight or value to them, beyond a few likes or a couple comments of affirmation from a friend or two about my writing.

And looking back on some of my older writings, like when I was in my teens or twenties, or even looking back on more recent writings, I sometimes barely recognize myself, the way that I thought and felt at the time, and there are times where I feel as though I come off in those writings as, well, kind of pretentious, or even arrogant (and especially further back), as though I am saying in them that I know and understand more about life than I actually do, which has been, and I have little doubt continues to be, not very much, or at least not with any real degree of certainty. The truth is I mostly use my words in writings like this not so much to speak truth (and how much truth do I really know for sure anyway, except the truth that I don’t know everything?) so much as to try to reach for the truth, to make sense of things, to try to hammer down the fluttering pieces of the puzzle of life, or at least of my life, to at least give me enough of a foundation to keep me from imploding or going crazy. I write partly for my own sanity. And I believe many of my words in writings like this are built on fragile hope more than solid confidence, meaning I am trying to point them in the direction that I want to move in, but that doesn't mean my actions always follow (if they follow much at all), or that I really live up to the vision of a path in life that I sometimes think about and talk about or try to lay out in writings like this. I may try to live up to it in fits and starts, but know that I fall short, and probably always will as long as I live.

I write about love for example, but love, at least for me, more often feels like some grand concept bouncing around in my head than something that I actually practice, or practice well anyway, that I genuinely manifest in my day to day life in the way that I wish to. It's like I can talk the talk with more confidence than I can walk the walk. The love that I show and give to others seems to be at best awkward, limited, half-hearted, and more often than not selective (directed mostly towards those that I like but not much at all towards those that I don't like). Again, I fall short, struggling to practice what I preach. Because of this, this disconnect between what I try to express in my writing on the one hand, and then my everyday life on the other, sometimes I feel pretty disingenuous and fake. That said, even if I am at least in some part disingenuous and fake (and maybe all of us are more or less, as that may just be part of being human), I still feel like there is at least some part of me that is genuine and real, some spark within me that is reaching for something more.

I remember reading that the Catholic saint and theologian Thomas Aquinas once said, presumably after having some profound mystical experience, something like "I can write no more. All that I have written seems like straw.” After this, from what I understand, he held to that statement for the rest of his life and didn’t write anything else, or at least nothing with any seriousness. I'm not a Catholic so may not be able to relate to the context of his experience, whatever it was, but I can relate to the sense maybe that there is something more that would make all your words, and no matter how eloquent or heartfelt, like straw. And I wonder if in embracing that something more, or being embraced by it, there would then be no more motivation to write, no more need to use my words to try to reach for the truth, or to try to make sense of things, or hammer them into some shape I can recognize as meaningful. Maybe it would be something like what Saint Paul says in 1st Corinthians 13 in the New Testament: ‘For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.’ If I could come face to face with such a truth, or a Truth with a capital T, and know it or be known by it, then maybe there would be no more words for me, or no need of them anyway... and maybe then I could truly be at peace, down to the core, balls to bones (as the Oracle would put it in The Matrix). That said, while maybe there have been moments in my life where I’ve glimpsed images or have heard whispers of that something more, that truth, I'm still left searching and reaching for it... And so I continue to write, or try to, words being what I have to work with here, and even if my words may only be like straw in the final analysis.

So for now, well, here's some more straw for you...

So I've had a lot on my mind over the last year, have had a lot of ups and downs. There have been times over the last year that were painful, and other times that were joyful, times where life felt meaningful and other times meaningless, and everywhere in between, as has been true of every other year of my life, but of course I can't, nor would I really want to, try to chronicle or reflect all that has happened or has been on my mind, but I can at least touch on some highlights, or try to grasp a few of the fluttering pieces of the puzzle and lay a foundation as best I can.

At 37 now and coming up on 40 in a few years I find myself wondering more and more about the direction of my life, about who I am and what my place in this weird and wild world is, what my path, my way, is or should be. I guess I’ll try to write about some of what’s happened, some of whats been on my mind, and try to give some idea of what my wondering looks like, so from here on I'm gonna jump around, between the highlights and fluttering pieces, though I will try to tie it all together in the end as best I can.

So, I guess I’ll kick things off by diving into some stormy waters right off the bat, by going into one of the things that has got me thinking more about my life over the last year, that being my discovery of Jordan Peterson. For those who haven't heard of him or don't know much about him he's a pretty controversial and divisive figure at least in some circles, mostly among those on the far left or the far right of the political spectrum from what I can tell. I admit I haven't really opened up much on social media about my interest in Peterson and his work for this reason, as I've been kind of afraid I might be jumped on for it by those who disapprove of him for whatever reasons, but then here I am I guess. I had run across some warnings about Peterson online before looking into him myself, and had some negative assumptions about him for a little while, but then I have learned from some experience, like I did with Harry Potter or Rob Bell back when I was in church for example, that if a lot of people talk about how dangerous something or someone is, about how you shouldn't read this book or listen to that person or whatever, then it's more likely than not worth checking out for yourself so you can make up your own mind about it rather than letting others decide for you what to think. I was still a bit hesitant, but fortunately a friend of mine coaxed me into finally checking out Peterson for myself by sharing one of his interviews on the popular Joe Rogan Experience podcast with me, and I was intrigued and impressed by much of what Peterson had to say in the interview, so my interest in Peterson and his perspective went from there.

The reason most of those who don’t like Peterson don’t like him is because of some of his political or social views I think, which is the reason why he really came into the public eye in the first place. Just to try to get some of the controversy out of the way and swim through some of these stormy waters, Peterson was a professor and psychologist in Canada who first really came to prominence when he spoke out publicly against this human rights bill in Canada called Bill C16 that, part of which, from what I understand, would legally require the use of certain gender pronouns for people who are transgender or non-binary or others who fall outside the typical dual identifiers of male or female. From what I can tell, getting a clearer picture of the kind of man Peterson is over the last year, I don't think Peterson protested this bill because he is just some bigot who doesn't care at all for transgender or non-binary people, but rather because it really bothered him that his government would try to pass any law that required the use of any kind of speech, not only telling people what they shouldn't say but what they should say. In short, from what I can gather this was more about free speech for him than anything else, or at least that’s his claim anyway, which some may disagree with. Of course the whole thing is no doubt more complicated than the little that I have written about here, and I am sure there is still much debate about all of this, whether on the bill itself or Peterson's take on it and his protest of it, but this is my understanding of the basics of it at least.

Peterson does seem, having listened to him a fair bit, to have mixed feelings about the whole transgender and non-binary thing. I don’t believe he would want to give the time of day to anyone who was transgender or non-binary if they accosted him on the street and started screaming and yelling at him, calling him names or throwing accusations at him (which I’ve seen in a few videos), as that doesn’t generally inspire empathy or understanding from anyone, but I do believe if anyone transgender or non-binary tried to connect with him one on one just as a human being to share their story he would more likely than not be willing to listen and I think would try to empathize and understand, as he honestly strikes me as a fairly empathetic and understanding kind of guy (even if he does have a bit of a temper, which he himself admits) someone who cares about the struggle and pain of others, and I believe that would include people who identify as transgender or non-binary. I mean, heck, the guy is a trained therapist after all, so you would think he would be willing to listen as long as you weren’t putting him on the defensive. That said, I think he has questions or concerns about it, and like many people is trying to understand in what ways society should (or shouldn't) shift in order to accommodate those who don't identify in ways that are different from what most are used to or consider the norm. I admit to having mixed feelings myself about this, though partly, I admit, because I don't know or understand much about it, though I would be open to learning more. I admit I have some reservations about things like children transitioning (because I worry that children may not yet be mature enough to make these kinds of decisions, and that they may regret making such decisions later on because they weren’t as fully informed as they would have been as adults) as well as transgender women playing in women's sports, or transgender men playing in men's sports for that matter (because I believe in those cases there is an unfair physical advantage or disadvantage because not everything can be completely changed biologically in a transition, including things like muscle mass and bone structure, at least from what I understand), just as a couple examples. My heart tells me to live and let live and that it’s really none of my business, which is mostly how I feel about it, but my head sometimes wonders if going about these kinds of changes in society without thinking them through may end up having some unforeseen consequences. Of course I'm not above setting aside such reservations if others could convince me to do so, and by that I mean by making convincing arguments to support such things that make sense to me, rather than trying to shame or bully me into changing my mind, which some may be want to do, but trust me I’ve had enough experience with that kind of thing in my life, red flags go up all over the place when people try that with me, whether it’s in the realm of politics or religion or any other realm... let’s just say when I encounter people who are dogmatic and ‘my way or the highway’ in their thinking and want to evangelize and convert me to their position, well, I’ve learned to just walk away... not sure if that will keep people who disagree with me from just stopping here and passing judgment (even though from here I talk about empathy and understanding for transgender and non-binary people among many other things) and then going after me with torches and pitchforks, but hey, at least I’ve tried... and this, by the way, applies to everything else that I may write here that you may disagree with. Friendly or at least civil discussion about difficult topics is good and constructive in my opinion, but rage or personal attacks or a dogmatic insistence that I conform or else be put into your out-group (as I have experienced to some extent with), well, not so much. Anyways, despite those reservations I want to be empathetic and understanding towards transgender or non-binary people, as I don't really know what it is like to be in their shoes or what they go through. Sure I can use my imagination some, i.e. watching shows like Sense 8 (great show, still bummed it was canceled) or even Supergirl (as cheesy as it is) that include transgender characters and some of their struggles, gives me some inkling of what it might feel like, but I honestly don't really know. I admit I've only interacted (or at least knowingly interacted) with one transgender or non-binary person, a co-worker of mine who was born male and now identifies as female. I call her her, and am okay with doing that, but it takes some getting used to I admit. I was a little uncomfortable around her at first, as it felt weird for me, and I still do to some extent I admit, but then having worked with her a little bit more recently, I can see that she's not a threat to me in any way and there's no reason to be afraid of her, and she's just another human being like me, who deserves a little respect and wants a little love and acceptance just like anyone else. Sure, like Peterson I would feel uncomfortable with being legally forced to use certain pronouns (in the same way I would feel uncomfortable if I was legally forced to salute the US flag, just for example), but that doesn’t mean that I’m opposed to it if it was something I could choose to do freely. Like Peterson (and many others) I’m not really a fan of thought police (which I have seen in religious circles and political circles and all kinds of circles), but I am open to changing how I think and feel for the sake of others and if it makes sense to both my head and my heart. I imagine that just as I used to be a little uncomfortable with gay people but have since learned to be more comfortable with them in spite of our differences, and now even have a couple of gay friends, in time I believe the same will be true of transgender and non-binary people or anyone else in those categories, who at the end of the day are just fellow humans. I just need some time to adapt and get used to it I think, and hopefully all of us will be able to adapt and figure this out (adding this to the excruciatingly long list of things that humanity needs to figure out), as it would be good to live in a world that is a little more inclusive and accepting of those who are different, and even if we may need time to figure out all the particulars and where to draw the lines and what the boundaries should be and all of that, which of course is complicated just as people are complicated. Bottom line is I think there should be some room for questions and concerns about this whole issue but it should always be in the context of trying to be more empathetic and understanding, because we're all human beings at the end of the day.

I won't go any further into this though as I'm not here to talk about the whole transgender and non-binary debate (though apparently I’m talking about it a bit, but hopefully not in a way that will get me crucified by those who disagree with my mixed feelings about it), which is very complicated and multi-faceted and has a lot of strong feelings about it on all sides, but I just wanted to at least touch on Peterson's stance (at least as I far as I understand it) about it as it was what brought him into the limelight originally, and my stance as well, at least to try to get it out of the way before I go any further.

Peterson strikes me as a bit right of center in some ways (although he identifies as a classical liberal), open-minded in some areas but a little old-fashioned and traditional in other areas, whereas I think of myself as a bit left of center I guess. Peterson talks about the value and place of both the left and the right politically and socially fairly often, like when he points out that those on the right are there to maintain structures and boundaries and keep things running (he also adds that conservatives tend to be better managers) but that those on the left are there to update structures or boundaries or push for change as it is necessary (he also adds that liberals tend to be better entrepreneurs), and there needs to be a dialogue between the two sides on when things should be kept the same or when they should change, and how. That said, maybe Peterson at times seems to contradict this way of thinking when he focuses a little more on the problems of the left and doesn't focus quite as much on the problems of the right, which may be a sign of some biases towards the right on his part, even if at other times he seems to be trying to find that balance between the two. To be fair if he’s not completely consistent then neither am I, and it’s probably fair to say that not many of us are. Anyways, Peterson's tends to equate the far left, and things like identity politics and postmodernism, with communist or Marxist ideology, and I admit he does come off as a little paranoid at times when it comes to that, sometimes going on rants about communists and Marxists in a new disguise on college campuses and branching out from there into society. I can somewhat understand why he might feel as he does though when he immersed himself heavily for years in studying totalitarian regimes in the 20th century, including communist regimes like those in the Soviet Union and China, wanting to understand them on a psychological level. He sees equal horror in the history of both Nazism (more equated with the right) and communism (more equated with the left) in the 20th century, but perhaps he focuses on the threat of communism more because he feels that people don't talk about it as much as the threat of Nazism nowadays? Maybe, but I don’t know for sure. I recently saw a little note plastered on the inside door of an elevator in one of the buildings that I clean in downtown Portland that said ‘Fuck Nazis’ among other things, which is a message I would concur with, as I’m no fan of Nazis either, even if I’m not really sure how helpful such notes would be in dealing with the problem of Nazism. I wonder though if I will ever find any ‘Fuck Commies’ notes plastered in elevators in downtown Portland, if there are those who feel communism is just as much of a threat. I think I might have even seen a protester flying the hammer and sickle flag when I was going past on the max train the other day, which I found a bit weird to say the least. I wonder sometimes when listening to Peterson’s concerns if there really is as much concern about communism as there is about Nazism, even though both have had horrific and bloody histories that involved the suffering and death of millions. I mean, isn’t there just as much of a dark history of violence and death behind the hammer and sickle as there is behind the swastika? To be fair though, maybe some on the right aren’t as concerned about Nazism as they should be, just as maybe some on the left aren’t as concerned about communism as they should be, as it’s much easier to focus on the potential craziness on the other side rather than the potential craziness on your own. Anyways, maybe when you immerse yourself in that kind of dark history it's no wonder you might come out feeling a little paranoid and would worry that history might repeat itself. Maybe a little too paranoid? Sure, you can always be too paranoid, like Joseph McCarthy Red Scare witch hunt kind of paranoid, in which case you might need an Edward R Murrow to come along and knock some sense into you, but then maybe a little paranoia is understandable or even healthy. That said, while I'm not really a big fan of identity politics (or political correctness as some would call it) myself and have mixed feelings about the deconstructive nature of postmodernism (I’m all for questioning things and for holding them to the fire but not so much a fan of completely pulling the rug out from under yourself so you have nowhere left to stand or of leaving yourself with nothing to hold onto), still I’m not sure about Peterson’s equating all of that with communism/Marxism, maybe a little paranoia is okay but not too much... though all in all this is really lower on the list of topics that Peterson goes into as far as my level of interest or even agreement goes, so I’ll just leave it at that. Peterson sometimes points out that people are complex, but also says that people can be beholden to their ideologies (their ideas and beliefs), and says that ideologies can have people rather than people having them (he references psychoanalyst Carl Jung on this point), and I would agree on both points, but would add that those who are beholden to their ideologies always have more to them than whatever ideology they may ascribe to, and there’s a spectrum to how beholden people can be to their ideas or what they believe in, and whether that be in the realm of politics or of religion or in any other realm, and of course people can change and can learn and grow, and they need to be given room to do that. I know I’ve certainly changed and learned and grown in different ways over the years.

I have known people from all walks of life, the religious and the non religious, liberals and conservatives, and everyone in between, and while there have been a few who were too radical and extreme in their ideas or beliefs for my taste, most people that I’ve known seemed to be more or less sane and reasonable, more or less decent people trying to live their lives as best they can while not having a 'my way or the highway' attitude towards others, not wanting to evangelize and convert others to their position but just wanting to get along as best they can and agree to disagree agreeably. Anyways, my guess is that Peterson would agree to this assessment, as I have often heard him encouraging nuance and dialogue between people of all kinds, though perhaps there are times when he falls into the trap of focusing too much on those who are a little radical and extreme, who are the minority, if the loudest voices in the room, and not as much on those who are more sane and reasonable, who are the majority, if a comparatively quiet majority ... But then again perhaps all of us sometimes fall into the trap of focusing too much on the loudest voices in the room, and not as much on the quiet majority of everyday people who can have meaningful conversations even in spite of their differences.

Anyways, for a little more context to all of this, and to focus in on another part of my journey over the last year, one of the things that led me to become interested in Peterson and his philosophy was watching a documentary called The Red Pill, which was made by Cassie Jaye, who once identified (but no longer identifies) as a feminist. I first heard about the film when a friend on Facebook shared this video of Cassie’s TED Talk called Meeting The Enemy, and I found the video to be pretty powerful and appreciated Cassie and her empathetic attitude, so I wanted to check out her film. In the film she explores the men's rights movement, a movement claiming to fight for the rights of men (much as feminism is a movement that claims to fight for the rights of women), initially planning on showing how misogynistic and absolutely nutters these men (and those women who ally themselves with them) are when she began making the film, but overtime found that some of what they had to say was thought-provoking and compelling and so she began to gradually change her mind about the movement and her own feminist ideas and beliefs, even to the point of no longer labeling herself as a feminist by the end of the film, though not taking up the label of men's right activist either, but instead letting go of such labels and simply wanting to care for the struggles of both men and women equally and encourage more empathy between men and women.

Much like Peterson, Cassie Jaye's film has been controversial and divisive, and while I felt the film was itself thought-provoking and compelling in some ways, thinking on it now I would say it wasn't a perfect film. For example maybe Cassie didn't look at the darker and more negative side of the men's rights movement as much as she could have, though in her defense, perhaps her goal in the end was to try to look at the other side of the movement in order to give a more balanced view, as the media generally only focuses on the darker and more negative side of things when it comes to this. I think the film’s limitations though may be mostly due to the fact that such broad and complicated issues as gender relations and gender rights, and more generally human relations and human rights, can't really be covered to the fullest extent in a two hour documentary. That said, I think Cassie's main underlying message in the film was that men deserve empathy as much as women do, because men are human beings as much as women are, and seeing men as less important or worthy of empathy is no better than seeing women as less important or worthy of empathy, and if we all really want to move forward and end the ongoing battle of the sexes then we need to learn to have empathy for one another, and I appreciated that message, both as a man and as a human being.

I admit though after watching this film I fell into the men's right activist mindset for a little awhile, losing some focus on that central message, and while I didn't dive in completely I definitely put my feet in the water, whether through listening to men's rights podcasts or watching men's rights videos on Youtube or reading men's rights articles online here and there, and for awhile I was very antagonistic to feminism, even arguing with some of my more feminist friends, seeing feminism not so much as a pursuit of equality between the sexes as it claimed to be but rather as a destructive ideology that sought to, whether consciously or subconsciously, divide men and women rather than bring them together. But after a little awhile I pulled myself back from that mindset, recognizing that men's rights activists, while having some valid points about men's issues, can sometimes be self-righteous and overly critical of women but not critical enough of men, just as I felt (and still feel) that feminists, while having some valid points about women's issues, can sometimes be self-righteous and overly critical of men but not critical enough of women. I think there are some radical and extreme people in both movements but also think there are a fair number of sane and reasonable people in both movements as well, and I hope the latter, those who care about the other side as much as their own side, get the microphone more in the long run. I believe now that neither movement really has a complete picture of the shape of things, and wonder why sometimes they don't just team up to try to hash things out and balance eachother out, try to find ways to move society forward for both men and women without demonizing one another or trying to one up one another's suffering, as though suffering were a contest, and who wants to win a contest like that anyway? It’s like when my sister and I would argue as kids about who had it harder or got bullied more in school when the truth was school kind of sucked for both of us, even if it sucked differently for both of us. Again, not a contest you want to win anyway. Do men have it harder than women? Do women have it harder than men? Yes and yes? Maybe it just depends on the situation and circumstance, or maybe it comes down to the level of the individual, but then all I really know for sure is that being human is hard for pretty much all of us in one way or another, so why not just try to empathize with one another as best we can instead of arguing about who has it worse? Easier said than done I know, but I suppose we could at least try.

I guess much like Cassie I have settled with neither identifying with feminism nor with men's rights activism, feeling that both feminists and men's rights activists have their valid points but also their blind spots, and feeling that both women and men have their problems and struggles, and also feeling that both deserve some measure of respect and empathy.

I've followed Cassie Jaye a little bit since watching her film, and I still admire her empathetic attitude, and her bravery in making a film that I'm sure she knew would ruffle some feathers (and it did), and she continues to be brave through sharing some of her own personal journey including some of her struggles on her online blog and elsewhere, even opening up about the turmoil and grief of having had two miscarriages in the last couple of years, which led her to abandon plans of doing a documentary on postmodernism (which would have included Peterson himself) and instead is considering doing a documentary about miscarriage, a difficult topic that is rarely discussed openly in society, and I hope she does as I imagine it would speak to a lot of women out there (as well as their partners) who have suffered through miscarriages. Reading about her own personal, and painful, experience with her miscarriages was a reminder to me that women struggle with things that men don't (or at least don't as much or in the same way), and are deserving of empathy, just as her film was trying to point out that men struggle with things that women don't (or at least don't as much or in the same way), and are deserving of empathy.

I admit for sometime after watching The Red Pill and diving into the insane world of gender politics, I was planning on doing a blog post where I would try my best to tackle gender relations and being a man (with the tentative title of Measure Of A Man) as I had tried to tackle race relations and being a white man in my post White Man about a year ago. I even began writing a couple of rough drafts, but then the more I dug into things the more complicated and hard to unravel it became, and I just didn't feel confident enough to really dive into the whole thing (and I didn't really feel confident enough to dive into the issue of race either in White Man, to be honest, but then I I tried my best I suppose, though I'm sure I only scratched the surface on that issue, and I may even go back at some point and try to revise it some as since then my views on race have shifted a bit, though they are mostly the same as when I wrote that).

I suppose going down the rabbit hole somewhat on this post (which is appropriate as Cassie used that metaphor, of being like Alice in Wonderland going down the rabbit hole, in her film) by touching on the whole transgender and non-binary debate (though I definitely only scratched the surface on that) and bringing up Cassie Jaye's documentary and touching on gender issues, will have to suffice for that, and as with Cassie the main message I want to put forward here is one of empathy and understanding, and on all sides, and as hard as that may be, as hard as it may be to back up these words with actions, because I believe that's how we will all move forward...

If this was just a post about gender relations and being a man as I had originally intended it to be, I could have talked about Peterson and his effect on many men throughout the world, and that would certainly fit. A lot of young men around the world, and men of all ages really, look up to Peterson, some seeing him as a kind of father figure, and I can kind of understand that appeal even if I may see him in a more complicated and nuanced way myself. I will say that Peterson’s core message of the importance of the individual and finding meaning through responsibility resonates with me a fair bit. I agree with him that the individual rather than the group is the level to really look at as it is really our individual choices that make or break our society (though to be fair some individual choices may impact society more than others, depending on the power and influence of the individual), and we shouldn't only focus on rights but also on responsibilities, because your rights are my responsibilities and vice versa. And I agree that there is something about individual responsibility, whether that is in the realm of relationships or work or creativity or spirituality or pursuing some other passion or cause (or picking up a cross and carrying it as Peterson would put it, referencing Jesus) that can give you a sense of meaning and purpose that you otherwise may not have. In other words, while carrying too heavy of a load can crush you, and carrying too little of a load can make you feel aimless, carrying a load that is the right size for you can help make you into who you are meant to be. Not that I have found a way to apply that to my life as much as I would like, but at least it rings true to me. Of course that doesn't mean that groups don't matter, as we are all interconnected more than we can imagine, or that rights aren't important at all, as Peterson points out that rights give us room to exercise our responsibilities, but I wonder if Peterson sometimes doesn't focus enough on how that interconnectedness can positively or negatively effect our individual choices, or on how the system can hold people back from moving forward, from being who they could be, because sometimes no matter how hard you may try you can still be held back not so much by yourself but by your environment or your culture. That said I would agree that the level of the individual is the most important one because that is what you need to build up from, the seed blossoming into a tree, so responsibility shouldn't be forgotten or set aside, that and sometimes it isn't so much environment or culture that is holding you back as it is yourself. But of course the makeup of our lives is no doubt always some combination of both of these things, it is some combination of our own choices as individuals, and the choices of others around us and how they may complement or conflict with our choices, and the limits of nature both internally and externally which effect us all.

But beyond his message of the importance of the individual and of responsibility and how we can find meaning in it, I resonate with Peterson most of all when he he seems to be reaching for that something more, that deeper truth, which I was talking about (or trying to talk about) earlier in this post. I may only go along halfway with Peterson on his political and social views, which he admittedly does get a bit ranty on at times (though many of us do, including myself, so maybe we don’t have much room to judge), and I don't agree with him on everything in that area or any other area, but when he delves into the territory of psychology and philosophy (which he says he is more interested in anyway, and so am I) and religion and spirituality I find more common ground with him, and also find what I appreciate most about him. Peterson is something of an existentialist thinker (he is especially fond of existentialist Christian thinkers Fyodor Dostoevsky and Alexandr Solzhenitsyn) and is fond of Carl Jung and Jungian theory as well as well as other psychologists, like Freud and Carl Rogers among others, and believes in evolution and evolutionary biology, so he often speaks of religion and spirituality in those frameworks and contexts, but I can resonate with much of that, as both a former atheist and a former evangelical Christian who is trying to find his way.

I watched a recent interview with Patricia Marcoccia (on the Youtube channel Rebel Wisdom), director of the documentary The Rise Of Jordan Peterson, and she said she initially became interested in him for much the same reasons even before he was really in the public eye, and she like myself describes herself as left of center and has mixed feelings about his political and social views, so I guess I'm not the only one. As the saying goes, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, and in the case of Peterson I honestly feel that there's a baby in all the bathwater of controversy and drama that surrounds him.

Over the last year or so I have listened to (mainly via podcast while working) probably hundreds of interviews with and lectures from Peterson, as well as reading his book 12 Rules For Life, and while there's a lot of his stuff that I haven't gone through yet (like there's a lot more interviews and lectures of his on Youtube that I haven't listened to yet and I haven't gotten hold of his harder to find first book, Maps Of Meaning) I feel like I have gotten a pretty good idea of the kind of man Peterson is and how he thinks and feels, at least from hearing what he has to say.

I believe Peterson is, like anyone else, just a human being with faults and flaws, who has his weaknesses and blind spots and can make mistakes and get things wrong like anyone else, but there are times in his interviews or lectures when you can see (or hear if you are listening in a podcast as I often do) him reaching, trying to gather the fluttering pieces of the puzzle and build a foundation, and you can see or hear the emotion well up in him when he is trying to find words for something that words maybe can’t quite describe, something that would make your words seem like straw.

Peterson describes himself as a pessimist for the most part, and he says that life is in large part suffering tainted by malevolence, but he also says that underneath that pessimism is a faith in humanity, a faith in that divine spark within us that enables us to overcome and persevere in some amazing ways, and he has a faith in the power of love, which he describes as the sense that life truly matters and is worth living in spite of all the suffering and evil in the world, and as a desire that things would be the best that they can be, that things would be truly good, for you and for others and for the world, and individual responsibility is in part acting on that sense and that desire in whatever way you can to bring that vision into reality (or at least in my case to connect what I write more with my day to day life). At bottom I think Peterson believes, as he tries to say this himself when he is reaching for words to describe it, that the darkness in the world and in ourselves is powerful, very powerful, so powerful that he feels it unwise to deny its power and not talk about it openly, but even so the light in the world and in ourselves is even more powerful, and in the end is greater than whatever darkness there may be... and I can resonate with that belief.

And I believe Peterson is, even with whatever faults and flaws he has, a decent human being, or he is trying to be one anyway. As an example of this, when Peterson was at Liberty University, a well known evangelical Christian college run by Jerry Falwell's son, a young man who was struggling with mental and emotional issues and was off his medication, ran up on stage trying to approach and talk to Peterson, and when he was restrained by security he fell to his knees crying, having a breakdown. Peterson was confused by what was happening at first, but once he realized what was going on he came over to the young man, knelt down, and tried to comfort him as the other men on stage prayed over him. I honestly don't know for sure how much the other men on stage truly cared for this young man or how much they were at least subconsciously using him to promote their religious beliefs (I only say that, as insensitive as it may sound, because I was in the evangelical Christian world for a number of years so I know that kind of thinking is often somewhere under the surface, though not always to be fair, because again people are complex), but with Peterson I think it was just plain and simple compassion on his part, which I found moving. You can also see how passionate he is about others improving their lives and finding greater meaning and purpose in them, like when you see him with tears in his eyes when he talks about how people just need a little encouragement and he just wants to offer them that to them if he can, and you can see that that is what he really wants to do, and even if you may disagree with him on some or many of his views you can’t really fault him for wanting to help people. And of course it's pretty clear, at least to me, that he loves his wife and children, his family and friends, etc.

But even decent men still have their faults and flaws or struggles and problems, and recently Peterson checked himself into a rehab to try to get off of an anti-anxiety medication that he had started taking after his wife Tammy had been diagnosed with cancer (and from what I understand the whole situation with that was and is very complicated), which needless to say caused him a great deal of anxiety, which only added to all the anxiety he no doubt has had to deal with over the last couple years since coming into the limelight. I can't say that I blame him for turning to medication to try to take at least some of the edge off, and maybe that was a mistake, but it was an understandable one as far as I can tell. Sadly a number of his detractors or former supporters have been using this against him, berating him or expressing disappointment in him for seeking treatment, accusing him of being a drug addict and the like. Even if you're not really a fan of Peterson at all or disagree with him on most everything, I think it's kind of shitty to kick a guy when he's down like that, to berate a guy who was already struggling with anxiety for taking anti-anxiety meds when finding out the woman he loves has cancer (and I can kind of empathize with that having lost a good friend to cancer recently, though I will talk about that later in this post), or for trying to do the responsible thing by getting off of it when he realized it wasn't good for him (even if it could perhaps be reasonably argued that trying to quit cold turkey like he did may have been unwise, as some have been saying, but hey, no one is perfect, and that’s no reason to kick him when he’s down).

Sure I could understand if those who put Peterson on a pedestal might be disappointed that their idol had shown such human weakness, but after following Peterson for about a year now I realize that he's just a man and shouldn't be put on a pedestal (not that he would want to be anyway), and should be cut some slack for only being human.

If anything I find it somewhat encouraging that even the messenger struggles sometimes to apply their own message. As Christian minister and author Frederick Buechner once said (paraphrasing this here), 'I preach to myself my own sermons', meaning the message applies just as much to the one giving it as the one receiving it, and I am sure that Peterson is well aware of that, and would not deny that making good choices as an individual, that taking on responsibility, that tapping into that inner light, that walking the way of love, is just as difficult for him as it is for anyone else. The same is true of my writings here. I write to myself as much as to anyone else who may be reading this.

I empathize with Peterson and his struggles, and hope that others will as well rather than judging him too harshly, as we all have our faults and flaws and struggles and problems in life.

Recently I joined a Meetup group here in Portland where they discuss Peterson and his ideas, or better yet use him and his ideas as a springboard for wider and deeper discussions about various topics. It's a pretty cool group, with an interesting assortment of different kinds of people with different perspectives, and I've gone to the group a few times now, though only when the timing is right and the topic is interesting to me. In the most recent meeting I went to we actually talked about Peterson's checking himself into rehab and the flack he has gotten for that, and how being in the limelight and being something of a lightning rod for the current culture wars has taken a toll on him and his family, and we used that as a springboard for a deeper discussion on empathy and understanding. It was a really good discussion that ran all over the map but focused mostly on the importance of empathy and understanding in moving forward both as individuals and as a society. I think Peterson’s personal struggles are just a reminder that we should all try to be kind to one another for each of us may be fighting a hard battle, and even if others may not see it or know about it.

My dive into Jordan Peterson and his philosophy on life has led me into thinking more about things like this, and has got me thinking more about my life in general, and I see a bit of a kindred spirit in Peterson sometimes when I can see (or hear) him struggling to find words (words that seem like straw) to describe, at least in his own existentialist and Jungian and evolutionary way, something that may be, well, for lack of a better word, mystical.

Jumping out of the frying pan of politics and into the fire of religion here, I think one of the things that bothers some of Peterson's detractors, or even some of his supporters, is how he dances around the question of God's existence. Peterson says he gets kind of annoyed with the question because he thinks it’s not a simple question to answer (and I think he may have a point there if you really think about it), but he tries to address it as best he can, and more or less says that he acts as though God exists, because it's how we act rather than what we think or feel that ultimately shows what we believe, and that's certainly a valid point I think. But I can definitely relate to the desire to dance around that particular question, as it's a question I have wrestled with a great deal throughout my life, and continue to wrestle with.

Of course I have written about the question of God in other posts here, and will no doubt continue to write about that question, but as far as it concerns finding my way in life, it's an important question. Is it up to me to decide what is the best path for me to take, or is there some other force that can or should decide that for me, or that could at least help me figure it out? Is there some deity, some guardian angel, some spirit guide, or some other higher power beyond this world or myself that can help me on my way, or am I on my own, do I need to figure this out on my own, maybe with a little help from other people who are trying to find their way too, but essentially alone in this?

Outside of a wedding or a memorial service I haven't been to a church in years, but I still pray (or I try to pray anyway) nearly everyday (and usually when I take a shower after I get out of bed, I guess you could say it's kind of a prayer closet) usually focusing on four areas, namely my relationships, work, creative life, and whatever my spiritual path is, or in my head going through this prayer written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer (while he was in a Nazi prison of all places) which I have memorized:

In me there is darkness But with you there is light I am lonely But you do not leave me I am feeble of heart But with you there is help I am restless But with you there is peace In me there is bitterness But with you there is patience I do not understand your ways But you know the way for me

When I get to the end of that prayer in my mind I sometimes kind of internally hold my hands up, hold my heart out, reach out, without really knowing or understanding, but with hope that something or someone is listening and does know the way, or at least knows it better than me, and can help me to find it.

As I said earlier in the post I feel like I have at times in my life glimpsed or heard whispers of something more, of some deeper truth, or Truth, and perhaps that Truth is some higher power, or God, that can help me find the way, though I don’t know for sure.

One of those times within the last year where I felt I connected with that something more, that truth, whatever it may be, was when I was at a concert for the wonderful Norwegian musician Aurora Asknes when she came here to Portland back in February. I wrote about Aurora Asknes in the last post that I wrote (titled Mad World) before my year long hiatus here, and if you haven't checked her or her music out yet I highly recommend that you do so, as she’s a real gem. Anyways, I went to the concert by myself, and I felt a little lonely there I admit, and I was feeling a little down too as I was trying to emotionally prepare myself for the following day when I was going to help put down my sister's beloved cat Smokey, who had been in our family for a number of years, but then when Aurora came on stage I found myself enraptured by her warmth and playfulness and humor and charm and surprising wisdom as so many of her fans are. What really hit me hard though was at the end of her concert she stopped and got kind of quiet, a hush falling across the crowded room, and then she dedicated her last song of the night to everyone out there who feels different or sad or broken or alone, and while I can't remember everything she said (sometimes I wished I had recorded it on my phone, but before the concert I had promised myself I would try to set aside my phone for most of the concert so I could really focus on it and take it in, which I did), I do remember that she spoke with such tenderness and sincerity and caring that I was moved to tears standing there in a crowded room, and after that she began to sing what may be my favorite song of hers, Through The Eyes Of A Child, which I reflected on in my Mad World post. Hearing that song in the earbuds of my music player as I’m walking home from work at night is one thing, but hearing her sing it on a stage maybe only 30 or so feet away was something else entirely, and the emotion in the room was palpable, and even as messy and awkward and weird as I felt standing there leaning against a wall (like a true wallflower, I know) crying alone in some crowded room in Portland, the moment still felt somehow holy and pure and real, and when she finished the song with the quiet but heartfelt line 'please don't leave me here', it felt like a cry from her heart, and it was a cry from my heart too, a cry that has been there so many times in my life, a cry to not be left here in the dark, to be loved, to not be alone, to be free...

I remember when I was there there was this young woman nearby me who really wanted to give Aurora a package with Aurora’s name on it, presumably with some long letter or series of letters addressed to her, or perhaps some other gift or offering, but she wasn't able to as Aurora wasn't doing meet and greet, and I saw her crying on the floor when she found out she couldn't connect with Aurora in a more personal way. I could at least partly sympathize with her as I too would love to meet and connect one on one with Aurora (much as I would love to meet and connect one on one with Peterson, or really any other public figure out there that I respect or appreciate in some way), as she seems like a wonderful human being, but then on the other hand I was kind disturbed as this lady seemed to have an unhealthy fixation on Aurora, like Aurora was some idol she was placing on a pedestal, or some goddess that she worshiped. There was also a message on Aurora’s Facebook page that I saw sometime after the concert about that particular concert where someone was trying to defend Aurora’s honor in some very weird and uncomfortable way, having felt that the venue somehow disrespected Aurora, to which I was like, um, okay... I can't say that I would really blame anyone for having a worshipful attitude towards someone like Aurora, or for even wanting to try and defend her honor (well okay that’s, um, okay), as Aurora is a very unique and magnetic person, and you can probably see some of that in how I or many of her other fans out there talk about her, and being in that room that night I could feel the power that that lovely young woman who seems like someone straight out of a fairy tale or some kind of fae queen had over her audience, could feel the love and admiration that people there felt for her, but just as with Peterson or any other thinker or musician or other public figure that I respect or appreciate I can still recognize her humanity, and am sure that she too has her own share of weaknesses and shortcomings, her own faults and flaws, and am sure that she sometimes makes mistakes or gets things wrong, that she too struggles in life. For example she is ironically something of an introvert who gets drained meeting a lot of people, even though she is also deeply empathetic, which is a difficult combination to be sure. I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet, as it hasn’t yet been released in the US, but apparently this aspect of her life is delved into in a documentary about her called Once Aurora. I’ve heard fans who have watched it were sobered by getting a better idea of how much of a drain Aurora’s fame has been on her at times, as much as she loves and appreciates her fans. And I’m sure she has other struggles as well, because even if she is a truly wonderful human being, she may still have some darkness within her that she has to contend with, as is the case with all of us, and I imagine it's no more easy for her to live out the message of love and kindness that she shares with her many fans (whom she affectionately refers to as Warriors and Weirdos) than it is for them. I'm sure she sings her songs to herself as much as she does to anyone else.

Anyways, listening to Peterson sometimes, in those times when he is reaching for that something more, that deeper truth, there is something in that that seems holy, pure, real, or whatever you may call it, like a poet trying to find the words to describe the indescribable even if those words seem like straw, but then at Aurora's concert it felt overwhelming. It's not because Aurora is a goddess (well, maybe she is metaphorically speaking, though not literally speaking, well, you know what I mean, hopefully... hey I know she’s only human but that doesn’t mean she isn’t great), anymore than Peterson is a god, but because as a human being she opened up and welcomed her audience of fellow human beings into that reaching, her own reaching for that something more, that deeper truth, and I think we all, or at least many of us there, could feel that in some way. It honestly felt in some ways like taking communion at times felt for me in church (or at least in those times when the pastors or the elders leading in prayer weren't laying on the religious guilt too thick... yeah not helpful guys), individuals coming together, messy and awkward and weird though we may all be, to try and reach out, hold up our hands, hold out our hearts, in the dark, hoping that something or someone can see us, hear us, and can help us find our way, can somehow help us, heal us, lead us, guide us, through the dark and into the light. (By the way, the next day when I had to help put down my sister’s cat Smokey, including being there in the room with him when he was put to sleep, was definitely still a difficult day for all of us in the family, but then Aurora’s concert the night before encouraged and strengthened me somehow, which helped me get through it, and I am thankful to Aurora for that.)

In Through The Eyes Of A Child, Aurora sings about seeing the world through the eyes of a child, which leads me to another place where I felt a touch of that something more, of that deeper truth.

In the summer I read a book called Boy's Life by Robert McCammon, which is easily one of the best books I've read in a long while, and it is one that has stuck with me since reading it. The book follows a year in the life of 12 year old Cory Mackenson in 1960, where Cory is trying to solve a murder after he and his father witness a stranger in town, already dead with his throat slit, having his car, with him strapped naked in it, sunk into a local lake. While this murder mystery helps drive the story, there is much more to it, as you read about Cory and his three friends and their adventures over the course of the year, adventures that seemingly blend fantasy and reality, and at the core of the story is this sense of magic, of a world behind or beyond the one that we live and breathe in, that many of us experience more when we are children, and how that sense can easily fade away as we get older if we don't hold onto it, but also at the core of the story is the message that at least in some sense none of us ever really grow up, or at least not completely, as deep down there is a child in each of us still, beneath all of that jadedness and cynicism that can build up over the years.

In one of my favorite scenes in the book Cory has a dream where he encounters in her classroom one of his school teachers, Mrs. Neville, who had passed away only a few days before the dream, and in the dream she tells him a secret, which is this:

"No one ever grows up. They may look grown-up, but it's just a disguise, it's just the clay of time. Men and women are still children deep in their hearts."

Mrs. Neville goes on to say that the clay of time can hold us back from playing as we once did as children, and that we would like to come home to a mommy and a daddy who can love us and take care of us and keep us safe but can’t anymore when we are adults, and there is a sadness in wanting something that we can no longer have because of the passage of time, but I think what she tells Cory is on some level also hopeful, as it means that the magic is somehow still there in us, that we are still connected to it. On the one hand that we are still children deep in our hearts is a sobering truth, as I think it means that we are all more or less clueless and scared and uncertain at the end of the day, at least on some level, just as we often were as children, but then again it's also hopeful because we all still have the ability to see the world, as Aurora would put it, through the eyes of a child.

We still, even with the clay of time, have the ability to sense the magic, to see or feel the world behind and beyond the one we live and breathe in, because it's still there, and we're still connected to it somehow.

There was a dream that I had not too long ago that I can't remember much of aside from the final image, which was of a little girl with vibrant and shining red hair running ahead of me and then turning as I was on the edge of waking and saying 'don't give up'. For some reason that image has stuck with me. An acquaintance of mine who is a professional medium, the British Claire Broad (who actually did a reading for my wife Kaylyn and I back in December, though more on that later), told me that perhaps this was my spirit guide trying to communicate with me, and maybe appearing in the form of a child to remind me of that child within me, which may represent that divine spark that Peterson talks about sometimes, or that lens of a child’s eyes that Aurora sings about, or that sense of magic that Robert McCammon talks about, and maybe appearing to me as a little girl because I need a little more tenderness and gentleness and kindness in my life, maybe I need that same kind of feminine energy that I felt coming from or through Aurora while at her concert just a few months back.

(Just as an aside, I remember Peterson once sharing a story about a woman who had a psychedelic induced vision where she asked about him during that vision where she apparently encountered a being or beings, and was told that he was a representative or channel of the divine masculine, a story which Peterson found quite amusing but also kind of wondered about. I remember this coming to mind for a moment while I was at Aurora's concert, and found myself wondering if Aurora could perhaps be a representative or channel of the divine feminine as Peterson could perhaps be a representative or channel of the divine masculine, keeping in mind that the representatives, or channels, or messengers, need the message just as much as those they are sharing the message with. Maybe there is something to this, my making weird connections in my head in some strange Jungian archetypal way in order to say that we all need to try to find a balance between our masculine and feminine sides, that the divine spark within us or the magic in us is both masculine and feminine [which reminds me that towards the end of Boy’s Life there’s a passage where McCammon says that this is also a girl’s life, and that’s something us boys need to keep in mind] and to be whole we need to embrace both within ourselves... or maybe this is all just crazy talk... but whatever the case, I would love to see these two, Peterson and Aurora, as different as they are, get together and have a conversation, just to see what happens... heck, I would even pay money to see that.)

Sound a bit woo? Yeah, maybe dreams of little red-haired girls running around is a bit woo, but I don't know, and possibly I don't care as long as whatever it is is something good that can be trusted and can bring more of that divine spark or sense of magic into my life, can bring me closer to that something more, that deeper truth, whatever it may be. Maybe it was a message from beyond, and that message was ‘don’t give up’.

Speaking of woo, I remember this lady named Amy telling me something along the same lines, about my inner child and being embraced by feminine energy, when giving me my first ever tarot reading at this annual campout of mostly down to earth and laid back aging hippies (said with fondness) that my friend Keith and I went to over the summer called Feast Of Madness (which was a lot of fun by the way), and I remember her saying that I need to tap into that inner child more and not be afraid to get out there and play in the sun. Maybe that little girl in that dream was in part encouraging me and reminding to do just that, to wake up and seize the day and not give up on life, I don’t know. For someone who spends so much time in his head maybe I need to remember to not just think about living but to also, well, live. Maybe the little girl was in part telling me to not give up on life, life which is in large part suffering tainted by malevolence, but also a divine spark and magic, and full of sorrow no doubt but can also be full of joy, which can be, in the words of J.R.R. Tolkien, as poignant as grief.

And speaking of dreams, there was another dream I had in the last year that stuck with me, where our family friend Bryan, who had passed away from cancer a couple years ago, seemed to appear to me. It was the first dream I can remember Bryan appearing in since his death, and I haven't had a dream about him since. It wasn't particularly vivid (as I’ve heard ‘dream visitations’ tend to be) and it felt vague and weird as most dreams do, and I don't think I even saw his face. I just remember giving him a hug and saying I was glad to see him, and all I can remember him saying to me was something about Troutdale, which is a city here in Oregon. I asked my mom, who knew him better than me, about it, but she didn't see any connection between him and Troutdale, and for a couple months I had this knocking around in the back of my mind, wondering about it, until one day while at work it hit me to look up if there was any connection between Bigfoot (which was, for anyone who really knew Bryan, his favorite thing in the world) and Troutdale, and was amazed to find that in just a few weeks time the Oregon Bigfoot Festival was going to be taking place in Troutdale.

I took this as a sign from Bryan, and a few weeks later Bryan's youngest son Kyle, Keith (who like me thought of Bryan as something of an uncle while growing up) and Keith’s 4 year daughter Sophie went to the festival. We all had a good time and I think it was a great way of remembering and honoring Bryan, even as simple and silly as it may have seemed, and we even talked about maybe trying to go every year, and we may do that if we can.

I suppose some might call the dream I had and the connection that I made because of it a coincidence, just some random fluke, others might think of it as some kind of precognition, and still others might indeed see it as a sign from someone who has passed on. I honestly don't know what it was for sure, but I know I felt compelled to act on it when I found a meaning in it, and I know that some good came out of it, and that all of that happened at all makes me wonder what might be going on behind and beyond this world that we live and breath in.

(Claire Broad ^^^) I also wonder about my reading (my first ever reading with a medium, have had a few weird firsts over this last year, that’s for sure) with Claire Broad back in December (which we did via video online since she lives in the UK), where Kaylyn's maternal grandma, who had passed about a year before Kaylyn and I met, and her aunt, who had passed a couple years ago, seemed to come through for Kaylyn, and where, strangely enough, my paternal grandpa (and part of me had wondered and hoped that my maternal grandpa, who had passed only a couple years ago, would come through for me, but no such luck), who had passed at least two to three decades before I was even born and when my dad was just a boy, seemed to come through for me. I admit I was pretty skeptical of mediums up until recently, or up until connecting with Claire anyway, but I am more open now, because while some of what Claire shared didn't seem to fit or make sense, a lot of other things did, including some things she couldn't have known or guessed, or at least not as far as I can tell anyway. That and I’ve known Claire for awhile now and have gotten a feel for what kind of person she is, and even if some so-called mediums out there may not be legit, she doesn’t strike me as being among them and I think she’s genuine and not just some bullshit artist or huckster or whatever, that and she strikes me as intelligent and kind and I believe she just wants to use her abilities, whatever they may be, to help people. I still don't know what to make of all of it honestly, especially what she shared about my paternal grandpa who I never knew, but I do know that it gave Kaylyn some comfort on her end and some food for thought on mine, and I suppose that is something, and again it makes me wonder. These and other strange experiences make me wonder.

(The late great Art Bell ^^^) As I've said in other posts I have always been fascinated with the paranormal, ever since I was a kid, and have always had an interest in metaphysical and spiritual things as well, and most specifically the strange personal experiences that people have. Over the last year I've been listening to a lot of paranormal podcasts. One of my favorites is one called Strange Familiars with host Timothy Renner, who aside from being fascinated with the paranormal like myself also has a love for history and folklore and delves into that sometimes. I've also enjoyed listening to old episodes of Coast To Coast AM with Art Bell (who I found sadly passed away sometime last year), a radio show that my dad's cousin Cliff, who was into all things weird, often talked about and referenced in our conversations when I was a kid, although I'd never listened to the show myself up until recently. Anyways, one of the things that gets talked about in these shows and others that I listen to is that perhaps all of these things, whether they be cryptids (Bigfoot being one example) or ghosts or UFOs or shadow people or strange lights or time slips or synchronicities or out of body and/or near death experiences or miracles or whatever they may be, are somehow all interconnected, and maybe the true nature of reality is both more terrifying and more wonderful, and more just plain weird and wild, terrifyingly and wonderfully weird and wild, than any of us can imagine, and maybe there is a kind of magic in the world that you can only see through the eyes of a child, magic both dark and light.

I think part of what draws me to these topics is wondering what if, what if these things are real, what if these things are true... sure, I have little doubt that many strange experiences that people claim to have, or even that I have had, could be explained away through some natural or scientific or mundane means, but then I really have a hard time believing that all of them can, including some of my own, and even if just some of these things are real and true, then what does that mean for my life, and what are these strange or meaningful experiences that I and so many others have saying to us, if anything? Maybe one thing they are saying to us is it’s good to keep an open mind because even with all of our knowledge and understanding of the world gained through observation and exploration and experimentation there is still room for mystery, and as difficult as it may be for us to admit there is probably still more that we don’t know than what we do know. Whether it’s through the words of thinkers like Peterson, who in between debates about politics and philosophy have moments when they are are trying to find the words to describe something that may be indescribable, or whether it’s through the music of artists like Aurora who invite others into their reaching and their longing and their aching for a better life and a better world and to try to see the world through the eyes of a child, or through magical stories like Boy's Life, or through magical dreams like that of the little redheaded girl who turned to me and said 'don't give up', or through Bryan seeming to give me a sign, or through thought-provoking tarot or medium readings, or through other strange or even seemingly otherworldly experiences that I and so many others have had, I sense that there is something more, some deeper truth, or Truth, just behind and beyond the veil, and perhaps touching this reality, this deeper underlying reality, is somehow key to finding my way in life, as many others believe.

Of course there are different ideas about what this something more, what this deeper truth, is, if there is any such thing at all Some would say that it is God or some other higher power or powers, some would say that it is the higher self or some collective unconsciousness, while others would say it's none of the above or there really is nothing more, no such truth, and on top of that just about everything that I have said here is pretty much bullshit anyway and really who the hell cares and instead of trying to search for any universal meaning or purpose just try to make the most of your short and miserable life before you find yourself in the grave.

Well hey, I honestly don't know for sure who's right about this, if anyone is, and don't know for sure what is behind and beyond this world that we live and breathe in, if anything, I don't know what or who might be listening when I pray, or try to pray, when I hold up my hands and hold out my heart, or when I look for help to find my way in life, or to keep walking if I am already on the path, if there is any path at all... Maybe I am on my own, in trying to figure things out, or maybe I’m not... I suppose only time will tell what the case may be.

(My friend Erin ^^^) I wonder if my friend Erin McCarty, who passed away from cancer just a few weeks ago, knows better than I do now, and I hope she does, I hope to whatever or whoever may be listening that she does. Erin and I were friends for about eight years or so, and we never met in person, never even talked on the phone or Skyped or anything like that, our friendship was exclusively via Facebook Messenger and email and the occasional package back and forth, but we were good friends nevertheless, and I remember Erin and I would sometimes talk about things like this, the deeper mysteries of life. Erin herself was a devout and committed Christian, albeit a pretty open-minded and non-dogmatic one (the best kind), and her faith was important to her, but even she sometimes struggled with questions and doubts about the nature of reality, as most of us do at some time or another, though I believe she generally had more faith than myself. I would guess that she had very little fear of death in the end, and maybe there was part of her that even looked forward to it, wondering what was waiting for her beyond and behind the veil, including loved ones who had passed on before her. Knowing how adventurous in spirit she was that wouldn’t surprise me. But for me the very fact of Erin's death is a struggle to understand and accept as a part of reality, as it lead to questions and doubts on its own, with someone so kind and generous in spirit as she was dying so young, at only 38 years old, only a year older than myself, when she had so much more that she could have offered to the world (although in her 38 years she gave so much). I mean I don't really get it, and neither does anyone else out there who knew and cared for her I can imagine, but I will cope with the reality of it as best I can, and hope that someday I will get it, that someday things like this will make some kind of sense, that suffering and death will make some kind of sense, or at least hope that I can be at peace with the reality of them more or less in the end.

My last exchange with Erin was just a couple days before she died, after reading her dad's post about how she was going into hospice care and she probably didn't have much longer, and I shared with her in Messenger this Youtube clip from The Return Of The King where there is this exchange between Gandalf and Pippin in the midst of a siege by the forces of Mordor on Minas Tirith:

PIPPIN: I didn't think it would end this way.

GANDALF: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.

PIPPIN: What? Gandalf? See what?

GANDALF: White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.

PIPPIN: Well, that isn't so bad.

GANDALF: No. No, it isn't.”

All she said was 'Thank you Matt <3, that is one of my all time favorite movie moments.' and I didn't hear any more from her after that. I suppose with her and I both being nerds, who enjoyed nerdy things such as Lord Of The Rings, and who often liked to discuss philosophical and spiritual things as well, this last exchange seems somehow appropriate and feels right when I think about it, and is even, at least to me, another one of those glimpses or whispers of something more, of some deeper truth.

I shared this and some other thoughts on Erin in a post on Facebook, and towards the end of my post I said this:

'Erin, in spite of her own struggles with doubt from time to time, had more faith than me I think, but even so I do believe, with whatever faith I may have, though a flickering candle it may be, that there is something more behind and beyond this life, that death isn't the end, and I don't say that in denial of some cold and cruel reality that we all must face to simply try to comfort myself or others at that heavy thought of a wonderful person such as Erin no longer being in this world, but because my heart tells me it is so.

I don't know what it is like, what it consists of, what the metaphysics are, or how it all relates to God and everything else that human beings have argued and debated about for millennia, but I do believe that there is something more beyond death, that death is just a gateway to something else, that it is a night that is followed by a new day, and my hope is that it is something like what Gandalf was talking about, and if anyone should be able to step foot on white shores and walk into a far green country with a swift sunrise, it should be Erin.'

I think Erin found her way in life, a way of kindness and generosity, and she went down her path (or up her path) like a lightning bolt, and maybe now, I hope, on the other side of the veil she has answers to whatever questions she had in life, or at least whatever answers she needed anyway, answers that may even be beyond words or the need of them, that may make all of our questions and doubts, like our words, seem like straw... And I hope that she has found a joy as poignant as grief, including the grief of her family and friends that remain here on Earth missing her, and I hope that someday all of us who knew her and cared for her will know the joy of seeing her again (or in my case, for the first time)...

On Halloween night I was rewatching one of my all time favorite films, 1982's Poltergeist, with my friend in Kenya, Annie (whom I've mentioned in other posts), who was watching it with me on her laptop as I watched it on mine and while we commented on it back and forth on our cellphones. Annie hadn't seen it since she was a kid, being terrified of it then, and had been too scared to watch it again since then, but she was willing to give it a go with me being there at least virtually for support. She was of course still pretty terrified, but she also enjoyed it, and enjoyed sharing the experience with me. One of my highlights for the year for sure.

Anyways, perhaps my favorite scene in the film, even above all the spooky goings on, is the one where Dr. Lesh, a parapsychologist who is trying to help this family, the Freelings, to bring their daughter Carol Ann back from the astral realm after she was dragged there by an evil spirit that they call the Beast (if you haven't seen the film you're missing out, it's great), and in the scene she is talking with Diane, Carol Ann's mother, and Robbie, her brother, about her understanding of the nature of life after death, with Jerry Goldsmith's brilliant and beautiful score playing quietly in the background, and one of the things she says to them is this:

'Some people believe that when people die, there's a wonderful light -- as bright as the sun. But it doesn't hurt to look into it. All the answers to all the questions that you ever want to know are inside that light. And when you walk into it, you become a part of it forever.'

My heart stirs sometimes when she says this in this scene, perhaps another example of one of those glimpses or whispers of something more, of some deeper truth, and in this case nestled somewhere in a classic 80s horror film. I hope that something like this is true when we die, I hope something like this is true for Erin and will be true for all of us, that there is a wonderful light waiting to embrace us all...

I imagine that some who read this will wonder what kind of weird brain I have, jumping from talking about Thomas Aquinas and words like straw, to talking at some length (maybe a good third of this post at least) about a popular but also controversial Canadian professor and psychologist that liberal media outlets sometimes equate with the 'alt-right' (if unfairly so I believe) who nevertheless in between his political rants says things that really resonate with me spiritually, going from touching on gender (including transgender) issues and rights and relations and more generally on empathy and understanding, to a 23 year old Norwegian musician who made me cry in a crowded room in Portland, going from a murder mystery/coming of age story about the magic of seeing the world through the eyes of a child, to strange dreams that might be from spirit guides or from the dead, as well as touching on all things weird or paranormal or that are behind and beyond what we know and understand, from the death of a friend who I will miss and who so many will miss and whose death I really can't understand but hope to understand someday, to a classic horror film that came out the year that I was born and in between the scares has moments that speak to me. What is it all of these things have in common, what ties all of these things together?

I don't know, or at least I'm not sure, but I can throw some more straw at it anyway.

I had initially intended on trying to write a post about gender and being a man about a year ago, and maybe I gave you some idea of what that might have looked like in the first half of this post, but then strangely enough trying to delve into that complicated topic helped in some ways to lead me into deeper issues of humanity and what it is to be human, much as Cassie Jaye's own experience with suffering and loss through her miscarriages has led her away from wanting to talk about something that is more political and abstract and towards wanting to talk about something that is more personal and raw, and looking into someone like Peterson who is known in the mainstream mostly for some of his more controversial and divisive political and social views, and who is mocked and disparaged by all sides, led me to finding something of a kindred spirit in someone who, even if I may disagree with him on some things, is trying to walk a path, and lay out that path for others to try to help give their lives more meaning and purpose, and who, in between his political rants, is trying to reach for something more or for some deeper truth in his own imperfect human way, just as I am... Going from something that is more on the surface, to something deeper, from something in the realm of ideology and the games that people play, down into the soul...

I had initially planned on ending that blog post, whatever it might have been, on the note that whatever gender we are, whether male or female or transgender or non-binary or whatever, we are all of us human beings under the skin, and we all share this world and are in this together, and whether we may like it or not, so perhaps it is best to try to learn to empathize, and to understand one another as well as we can so we can move forward, even if that may be much more easily said than it is done, but again we can at least try.

And maybe that is one of the things that connects all of these seemingly disparate things... moving forward, even with all our faults and flaws and struggles and problems, or in the words of C.S. Lewis, further up and further in.

Jordan Peterson often talks about our aim, what we are aiming for, that we should aim for a better life and a better world, even if it is only incrementally, just one step at a time. He uses as an example the story of Pinocchio, where Gepetto wishes on a star for a son, and Pinocchio wishes to be a real boy, looking to the blue fairy, where he dives into the belly of the whale to rescue his father, and all the archetypes and symbols and metaphors and dreams that may be lying underneath stories like these.

This reminds me of one of my favorite passages in one of my favorite books, The Neverending Story (a scene that sadly wasn't in the film) where Bastian had to go down into the depths of the land of Fantasia (or Fantastica in the book), which is literally built on the dreams of humanity, into a mine full of glass images of dreams, to find a dream of his father's, and he finds this image of his father trapped in a cage, where he is in sorrow and pain, and he needs rescuing and above all love, which in the end Bastian is able to offer his father when he returns to his own world, which sets his father free to live again after being crushed by grief after losing his wife, the mother of his son, sometime before.

And why am I reminded of that, what is the connection? Why does it mean for the father to reach for the son, or the son to reach for the father? The mother for the daughter, the daughter for the mother? The masculine and the feminine, culture and nature, the old and the new, intertwined in symbols one after another in dreams that speak in a language we only rarely if ever understand? Why do we reach for the stars, and why must we dive into the dark to find what we're looking for? Why does grief crush us and can love free us? What is my aim in writing all of this? Again I'm not sure, but here again is more straw. Maybe in our art and our poetry, maybe in our words like straw that we aim in the direction we want to move in, maybe in the archetypes and symbols and metaphors and dreams, maybe in the conversations and the music and stories and experiences and in our lives and in our deaths and maybe in our lives again, maybe we are reaching, reaching up, or reaching in, or down, or out, reaching in every direction, or in the words of the poet Walt Whitman:

'A noiseless patient spider, I mark’d where on a little promontory it stood isolated, Mark’d how to explore the vacant vast surrounding, It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself, Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you O my soul where you stand, Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space, Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them, Till the bridge you will need be form’d, till the ductile anchor hold, Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.'

Maybe on some level many of us, perhaps all of us, are digging, digging, digging (like a boy digging through a mine of dreams), through all of these things, through all of the philosophy and politics that we argue about, and all of the art that we enjoy and appreciate, and all of the experiences that we remember and struggle with and hold onto, and all of our beliefs and the questions and doubts surrounding them that we wrestle with, and everything that we think about and talk about and wonder about and feel, so we can find a bridge to walk across, so we can find something to hold onto, so our souls, like noiseless patient spiders, can catch something firm, something solid, something holy and pure and real, so we can find a way forward, a way further up and in and down and out, and with no need for words... maybe.

Well now... Ground Control to Major Matt, take your protein pills and put your helmet on... I get carried away sometimes, so back down to Earth I go...

(Krissy Lynn in her mirror video ^^^) Another one of the things I discovered over the last year was the Youtube channel of Krissy Lynn, who is a porn actress of all things. And yes I have also seen some of her, um, other videos online. Full disclosure here, bringing things well and truly back down to Earth: I have watched a lot of porn throughout my life, and I still watch porn (though fortunately I have steered clear of the really twisted stuff, like child or rape porn). It’s a long story of the hows and whys and it’s not a topic that I want to really get into here, partly because it is such a sensitive topic, both for me and for society, but suffice to say that I have mixed feelings about it, about the whole industry of porn itself as well as all of my experience with it since I was a kid. And any shade that anyone out there may want to throw my way because of it isn't anything I haven't already thrown at myself at different times in my life, and trust me shame is an emotion I know all too well, especially when it is combined with religious guilt which I had in the past when I was an evangelical Christian. That said, one thing I've learned over the years is it does me no good at all to hate myself or berate myself for it as I have done in the past, so if you feel at all disposed to you could judge me all you want about it but you aren't going to be able to push me to hate or berate myself as I've done that plenty myself, and I know it never did me any good (and a real big surprise there, as that seems to be the case in any situation, that hating and berating yourself never really does any good, and it usually just makes things worse). There are those who wrestle with a weakness for drugs or alcohol, others for gambling or gaming, still others for food or shopping or you name it, just about anything you can think of can become a weakness or something you can feel shame about, but for me one of my weaknesses has been and continues to be pornography, and it is what it is and it's something that I wrestle with and that's just part of me and my life, and I'm not afraid to admit that here. Is it a sin (if sin is even the right word here, sin meaning missing the mark)? There’s debate about that (though certainly no debate about certain forms of porn like child or rape porn, which I think most would agree are vile and evil) and I’m of two minds about it myself, but I will say this: May he (or she) who is without sin cast the first stone. Anyways, with that out of the way and out in the open... Krissy Lynn has been one of my favorite porn actresses as she is, um, very attractive to me, but when I discovered her Youtube channel I admit it really surprised me. Even though some would find her career choice to be contradictory to this, in her Youtube videos I found that she is actually a pretty thoughtful and kind and even spiritual person at her core, or at least she seems to be someone who really wants to learn and grow spiritually and in general as a person. Some might assume that everyone who works in the porn industry is pretty shallow and surface level, but then in some of Krissy's videos she shares about her journey in life and how she is trying to learn and grow and better herself. Sure she has the occasional video where she dances around sexily and shows off her admittedly gorgeous body (which I enjoy, not gonna lie), but then in many of her videos she shares about her journey in life and shares from her heart in meaningful ways. I don’t think she’s ashamed of what she does for a living, or at least she doesn’t give that impression, and she doesn't let the nature of her career keep her from exploring deeper things or trying to find ways to feed her soul, and I can respect and appreciate that. One of her videos that has really stuck with me was a video where she talked about and demonstrated this exercise she called 'mirror work' where you stand in front of a mirror and talk to yourself, telling yourself what you are proud of, what you forgive yourself for, what you commit to for yourself, or anything you want to say to yourself. In her demonstration of the exercise when she got to the part where she forgives herself for something, she was in tears when she forgave herself for how she hid away as a kid because she was afraid of connecting with others. That really spoke to me having had a similar experience when I was a kid.

I've since been trying to do this mirror work exercise myself, usually when I get out of the shower. I tell myself (in my head though as doing so out loud feels weird for me) as I look at myself in the mirror, for example, that I am proud of you for getting out of bed to face the day today or for being kind to a friend or for working hard, or that I forgive you for watching porn or for getting pissed off about stupid things or for making an ass of yourself or for being a scared kid yesterday or today, or that I commit to trying to move forward one step at a time... that sort of thing. And I got the inspiration to do this from a porn actress of all people, a porn actress who is, even if she may to some extent objectify herself and let others objectify her, also a human being with a soul like you and me. I admit in a strange way it feels more real to me to be getting life advice from someone like Krissy Lynn, someone who is probably seen as an object of scorn by some (as much as she is seen as an object of desire by others) because of what she does for a living, than it does receiving it from some spiritual teacher or guru living in some cloistered space. Also there is something meaningful to me about receiving a message of healing from someone who works in porn, which has been a source of shame for me throughout much of my life, there’s something about that that speaks to me for some reason, I don’t know, like it’s a light coming out of the dark, or perhaps whatever sexual wounds I may have are like cracks where, as Rumi would put it, the light gets in.

Jordan Peterson, who I agree with on a number of things but not completely here, has a pretty low view of pornography, as many people do, which is understandable I guess, even if my own feelings about it are more complicated and nuanced (partly because I have listened to a lot of podcast interviews with those who work in porn, on podcasts like Holly Randall Unfiltered for example, and they have diverse perspectives and experiences within the industry, some negative for sure but others positive, or some combination thereof), but I wonder what he would make of someone like Krissy, who is trying in her own way to better herself and improve her life and dig deeper to find meaning and purpose, and even while she basically gets paid for having sex on camera.

John Green once said that we should understand people complexly (going back to the point that people are complex), and Krissy, with her career in porn, and also me, with my weakness for porn, are really no exceptions to that rule I think, as we can both stand in front of mirrors and sometime have a hard time saying something like 'I love you' to ourselves, but then we should be able to because we are still worthy of love I believe (even though I admit to having my doubts sometimes, and don’t we all), even as messy and awkward and weird as we may be, as are we all.

In Krissy Lynn's most recent Youtube video she talked about loneliness and how the answer to it is loving yourself, accepting yourself, even admiring yourself, more than it is looking to others for validation. I wrote a post on Facebook recently where I reflected on loneliness and isolation and towards the end I included that thought, that learning to love ourselves may be part of answering loneliness, though I also acknowledged that people being able to connect more may be part of it too, as there seems to be a real disconnect in some ways between people these days. Maybe there is more of a kind of connection via the internet and social media over the last twenty something years since the dawn of the internet, which can be valid and meaningful in its way (my friendship with Erin or Annie being examples of this), but face to face and one on one connection seems to be harder to come for many people nowadays, which is ultimately more important and more needed than any other kind of connection, as hard as that may be to accept in this world of social media, tweeting, texting, and virtual reality. So I think it's both, we need to love ourselves but also need love from others, as it's all intertwined I think. There was another video I watched recently by a lady named Savannah Brown who also talked about loneliness, as well as the difficulty in connecting with others in meaningful ways, and in the video she shared some of her struggles, but ended on a poignant note of hoping that, even if she can’t read the minds of others or step into their shoes completely, she can still understand and can be understood in some way, even with all our limitations and the walls between us. I share in that hope.

(tired and disheveled and kind of sad me while writing this ^^^) I wrote a poem about loneliness (which is somewhat revised here) back in August that I think captures some of what loneliness feels like, at least for me: Loneliness is a weight That settles in my bones Is it right to walk alone Or to be only one With the deep sky above And the abyss beneath That I gaze into And gazes back at me Oh I wonder, I wonder Surrounded by the crowd People who love and hate But the weight remains And the bones still ache The deep sky calls to me And the abyss cries out My fingers in the air My toes in the water Oh I wonder, I wonder But to combat loneliness maybe like Krissy Lynn says I need to learn to love myself more, and even with all my faults and flaws and weaknesses and shortcomings and limitations and everything else. When I look in the mirror I see a scared kid behind those eyes, behind the clay of time, a soul within a body that is slowly but surely aging, a bit more weathered and tired than I was as a boy or in my teens or twenties, a little more jaded and cynical and pessimistic, or as the late great George Carlin put it in an interview with Art Bell that I listened to recently, like a disappointed idealist, and sometimes feeling, as Frederick Buechner would put it, like a man who, when he looks in the mirror, sees at least eight parts chicken, phony, and slob... But underneath it all is still that scared kid, who feels he doesn’t really know or understand much for sure, who feels like love is something he’s not very good at actually practicing, who sometimes feels he is too pretentious and arrogant or disingenuous and fake, but who may yet have a spark of something genuine and real in him, a spark that reaches for something more, for some deeper truth with a capital T, that will set him free and bring him peace, and who is still learning what it means to be a man or a human being in this world.

This scared kid is still trying to find a way, a path, through the darkness and towards the light, maybe towards the wonderful light that will embrace him, or perhaps already does...

I've listened to debates (which were really more discussions) between Peterson and popular atheist thinker Sam Harris where they talked about truth and fact and their value and the differences between them, which were in some ways debates between science and religion, though not exactly as neither of them are overly dogmatic about their positions, or not as far as I can tell anyway. Anyways, something that gets brought up by Peterson is the danger of nihilism, which a non-religious worldview can lead to (or at least more readily), and something that gets brought up by Harris is the danger of fundamentalism, which a religious worldview can lead to (or again at least more readily). Having been both non-religious and religious at different times in my life, and now being in some weird place in between those two poles, I can attest that both concerns are valid as I have put my feet in the water of both.

To me nihilism (which is usually found in non-religious contexts but perhaps can be found in religious ones sometimes) is basically a worldview in which life has no meaning or purpose or value save what we may impose upon it, which is arbitrary at best. This worldview can leave you feeling lost and aimless and empty, with no real sense of identity or value that is intrinsic and objective, and you are just some speck in a cold and impersonal and uncaring cosmos, believing that life is either some sick joke, or just a spectrum of pleasure and pain to choose from without much consideration for any morality or ethics outside of those we may choose to invent for ourselves, because they don't really matter anyway, and nothing really matters, and life is basically just suffering and loss and madness all the way down mostly, with only brief and transitory pleasures that may give some semblance of meaning and purpose and value but all of it being only an illusion, and (at least in those non-religious contexts that have no belief in an afterlife) followed by our inevitable death, the grave, and finally oblivion, and in time probably the death of the sun, the implosion of the universe, and then nothing.

On the other hand, to me fundamentalism (which is usually found in religious contexts but perhaps can be found in non-religious ones sometimes) is basically a worldview where there is a strict and inflexible and narrow meaning and purpose and value to life that is imposed upon us by someone else or by some tradition or expectation that cannot be questioned at all or if at all very little. This worldview can leave you feeling trapped and like you're in a straitjacket (maybe in a padded room, or maybe in a room with brick walls) and at best only conditionally loved or accepted, your identity and value tied tightly to whether or not you remain devoted to your belief system and everything that goes with it, only a servant to some higher order or principle that cannot be reasoned with, and life becomes a set of do's and don'ts, rules to be followed, or else you will be punished, perhaps even (at least in those religious contexts that have some kind of belief in an afterlife) punished eternally after death, burning in fire or banished into darkness forever and ever, pick whatever literal metaphor strikes your fancy, in which case you would probably be wishing for oblivion.

I've experienced both of these extremes at different times in my life, and there is a danger of falling into either of them whether you are non-religious or religious, and I suppose one of my aims in life now is to find a way or a path between these two extremes.

Peterson often talks about a balance between order and chaos, the masculine and the feminine, the yin and the yang, which is a balance that is often talked about in Taoism. I admit I don't know much about Taoism (I have a copy of the Tao-Te-Ching but haven't read it yet, though I plan to), but I am familiar with the yin-yang symbol and what it means at least roughly. The symbol is a circle of black and white, the black half of the circle, or paisley, being yin, representing darkness and chaos and feminine energy and moving inward, and the white half of the circle, or paisley, being yang, representing light and order and masculine energy and moving outward. (Just as another aside, from what I can understand the black paisley, yin, doesn't necessarily represent evil, nor does the white paisley, yang, necessarily represent good, or at least not in any traditional sense, or I think it's much more complicated than that anyways. Just wanted to touch on that as I know that some women are understandably bothered about the feminine being equated with darkness and chaos [and this is sometimes brought up when Peterson talks about things like this as well], which are often seen in a negative light, but I think in the case of yin it is more representative of what’s hidden and unknown and of mystery and creative forces [whereas I think yang would be more representative of what’s seen and known and of answers and structural forces], and with women bearing children, who are for a time hidden and unknown and a mystery and a product of creative forces, this would make some sense symbolically and I think there is a beauty in this symbolism and I believe women can take pride in it, being the bearers of mystery and having a creative force within them. Of course this doesn't mean at all that women only have value as bearers of children, far from it, but I think this is an aspect of the feminine that is unique to women and should be a source of pride rather than shame. And hey, this is all coming from a guy who apparently needs a little more yin in his life, going by what I said above about feminine energy and all, so there's that.) In the black paisley, there is a dot of white, and in the white paisley, there is a dot of black, as there is a bit of yin in the yang, and a bit of the yang in the yin, and they are interconnected. In other words, darkness can come out of light, and light out of darkness, chaos can come out of order, and order out of chaos, the feminine is in the masculine and the masculine is in the feminine, sometimes in order to move inward you need to look outward, sometimes to move outward you need to look inward, etc.

To give a couple real life examples of this principle of the yin being in the yang and the yang being in the yin. For the first example, during the summer because of some complicated financial struggles my family had our electricity shut off, and we weren't able to get it back on for two weeks. It was only through the generosity of family and friends that we were able to pay our huge electric bill and finally get our power back on. The experience was painful for us, and one of both literal and figurative darkness, but the light in it was the generosity of others who helped us, and we wouldn't have been able to experience that generosity if we hadn’t lost our electricity. Also this experience has helped us to maybe not take things like electricity so much for granted. The yang in the yin, light in darkness, and the light was even more meaningful in that darkness. For the second example, towards the end of the summer my wife Kaylyn and I went to the beach up in Washington for our five year anniversary. All in all I think we had a good time, whether it was shopping around or eating Chinese food or watching the Lord Of The Rings trilogy in its entirety, but then on the day before we returned home Kaylyn lost her cellphone to the ocean when we were walking out on the beach together, and needless to say Kaylyn was upset and it kind of put a damper on the rest of our trip. But even this was a reminder to us to try to make the most of things even when they don't go the way we want them to, that sometimes, well, shit happens and we have to roll with it as best we can. The yin in the yang, darkness in light, and the darkness reminded us to appreciate what we still have.

And earlier this year I wrote a poem inspired by the concept of yin and yang, as well as using imagery from some real life experiences of mine, which I tentatively titled Yin and Yang: In the light of darkness In the darkness of light I remember crying to The silent stars And climbing stairs to Caress the shadow of heaven Tearing at the fresh grass When I wouldn't grow And sitting in silence with peace Drawn in the rock and the dust Numbers and letters Blending into fading miracles The hope of an embrace Holding me in my pain Pictures and poetry and names Lighting my way in the dark Bargain with demons in the day Wrestle with angels in the night

The Tao (or the Way), is about finding a balance between the yin and the yang and moving forward as you try to keep that balance, at least as I understand it. And perhaps this applies to finding a path or way between the extremes of nihilism (which one might describe as extreme chaos, where there is really no or very little solid ground to stand on, like an open ocean that drowns you) and fundamentalism (which one might describe as extreme order, where the ground is just too hard and packed and there is no or very little fertile soil to allow for things to blossom and grow, like a barren desert that leaves you dry and thirsty).

I've been in the open ocean of nihilism and the barren desert of fundamentalism at different times in my life (mainly dealing with the former in my teens and then the latter in my 20s), and while it was painful and difficult on both accounts, I feel like I learned from my experiences, for one learning the lesson, in the words of Walt Whitman (who put out better quality straw than mine for sure by the way) that I should 're-examine all I have been told, and dismiss what insults my soul', and that is what I have been trying to do through my 30s thus far. Both extremes told me that I as an individual human being had no intrinsic or objective value, that my life was either meaningless full stop or that my worth as a human being was dependent upon meeting certain standards, and I'm finding that neither extreme is right, whether about that or any number of things, and that I don't have to believe or accept either anymore, I don't have to believe or accept those insults to my soul anymore. Sometimes it feels like a tightrope act, avoiding these extremes on either side, trying to find a middle ground that offers some kind of foundation to stand on but also room for change and growth, but I think this is the way that I need to go, or the path that I need to find.

Maybe it's like trying to hammer down just enough fluttering pieces to have something to stand on, but not so many pieces that there are none left to fly, if that makes any sense... I remember one of the quotes I was thinking of using in the post I had planned to write called Measure Of A Man was this quote from a film called, of all things, Measure Of A Man, about a teenager coming of age during one summer, and this is something that an older man (played by Donald Sutherland) who ends up becoming a kind of mentor to him, tells him at one point:

I think this applies not just to men but to women as well, and people in general, and the storms of our lives that need to be navigated are of course both external and internal, both the difficult circumstances of our lives that we have to struggle with and the choices of others that are at odds with our own, and the inner turmoil and unrest that we must deal with within ourselves on a day to day basis as well as the weight of our own choices and how those choices may impact those around us.

And the measure of who we are may be in our ability to find the proper shore through all of this, through all of these storms ... though, then again, maybe there is some power or presence around us, with us, in us, that can be help us through the storms, or at least I hope there is.

One of my favorite prayers (which I also have memorized and sometimes recite in my head while taking a shower) is the Breton fisherman prayer:

'Dear God, please be good to me, for the sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.'

I often feel like my boat, this youngish but still aging body with this little scared kid of a soul in it, is so small, and the sea, this life and this weird and wild world and this universe, is so wide, so I pray, I hope, that I'm not alone in all of this, that I'm not alone in the sea or in my boat.

Sometimes when I imagine myself there, there in some small and frail boat out in a vast open sea, I imagine Jesus there in the boat with me, yes that Jesus, who I admit I rarely think of these days, though there was once a time when I thought of Jesus just about every day back when I was a Christian, or when I was trying to be one anyway. But when I think of Jesus now I don’t think of Jesus so much as some vague and mysterious historical figure that legends have been built around along the lines of whoever may or may not have inspired the legend of King Arthur, nor some mere composite of doctrines and dogmas of the church that exists simply to get as many theological ducks in a row as possible, or even as the enigmatic and paradoxical figure in the Gospels that seemingly claimed divinity and was crucified for it and came back to life a couple of days later at least in part so some skeptical guy like me could put their fingers in his scars and believe. ... Not any of those but more, well, the Jesus of my own imagination, and not imagination as in something that is completely made up off the top of my head, but more from some place deep down where dreams come from, that substrata or mine of dreams that we sometimes tap into. And this Jesus takes on something of that classic image of him, wearing a robe and sandals, strong and sturdily built like a man who works with their hands, with the deep tan of a man who spends plenty of time in the sun, with long and somewhat brown hair (though not the cascading perfectly combed luscious locks that are sometimes given to him in films about him), and a ruggedly handsome though somewhat weathered face (that of someone who has known struggle and pain) with deep brown eyes that are somehow both penetrating and kind. And this Jesus is simply there with me, sometimes holding my hands, just reassuring me with no words that I’m not alone. And this Jesus in the boat with me, much like the red headed little girl in that dream of mine, tells me to not give up, and not so much with words but just with his reassuring presence. I’m reminded of the beautiful classic song Suzanne by Leonard Cohen, which I sometimes find myself listening to in the middle of the night, and that strangely beautiful second verse about Jesus: And Jesus was a sailor When he walked upon the water And he spent a long time watching From his lonely wooden tower And when he knew for certain Only drowning men could see him He said "All men will be sailors then Until the sea shall free them" But he himself was broken Long before the sky would open Forsaken, almost human He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone And you want to travel with him And you want to travel blind And you think maybe you'll trust him For he's touched your perfect body with his mind I don’t know what Cohen meant by all of that, what was going through his head when he wrote that, but I wonder... Maybe there is a reason we are in these boats, why we are sailors out on this sea that we call life, but maybe true freedom will only come when we are no longer afraid of the sea, the sea of life... perhaps God is the sea, and Jesus, being a human symbol of God in the minds of many, is like the sea in that boat encouraging me not to be afraid, because the day will come when the time for being a sailor will be over, when it will be time to jump out of this small and frail boat of mine and dive into the depths, and perhaps rather than drowning in those waters I will be able to breathe in those waters and be embraced by them and call them home, and perhaps in this case the proper shore isn’t on land, but in the sea itself...

I'm also reminded of one of my friend Erin's favorite songs by one of her all time favorite bands, Simon and Garfunkel, Bridge Over Troubled Water:

When you're weary, feeling small When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough And friends just can't be found Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down When you're down and out When you're on the street When evening falls so hard I will comfort you I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes And pain is all around Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down Sail on silver girl Sail on by Your time has come to shine All your dreams are on their way See how they shine Oh, if you need a friend I'm sailing right behind Like a bridge over troubled water I will ease your mind Like a bridge over troubled water I will ease your mind

Is there some power or presence, like the Jesus in my imagination, like the sea that I need not fear and will not drown but rather embrace me, that is beyond us but also with us, that will dry our tears, be at our side, comfort us, take our part, and sail right behind and ease our minds, that can somehow help us navigate to the proper shore, even if that is in the sea itself, at least until that day that we are no longer sailors but will be freed and embraced by that which we need no longer fear? Maybe... I hope so... because I would rather not be on my own having to figure this out on my own, and I would rather dream of freedom and being embraced... but one way or another, I will have to keep moving forward as best I can, trying to find my way.

Earlier last week I had a breakdown, crying alone in my bed for different reasons, partly because of my feelings of disappointment in myself, disappointment because of how I relate, or fail to relate, to others, disappointment in not really doing much with my life, being a janitor who cleans toilets for a living and who can’t drive and who still lives with his mother (and with his wife and cat, but you get the idea), disappointment in being an aspiring writer who has all of these ideas for books but has yet to publish one because of a general lack of motivation and confidence, disappointment in myself for being kind of aimless and lost and not being able to imagine my life beyond 40, wondering if I will die young like my friend Erin but unlike her that my life will not amount to much at all in the end. I felt like a failure, felt that I’m just not loving enough or mature enough or successful enough or grounded enough... I felt worthless in those moments, like I’m just not good enough... which unfortunately is far from being my first time to feel that way in my life, and I am sure it won’t be the last. The following night when walking home after a difficult day at work, feeling tired and drained and alone, I was thinking about these things again, and was even thinking about death, dancing around the idea of suicide, part of me wishing that no one cared for me (I could lie to myself and say that no one does but I’m not at that point yet thankfully) so I could opt out without hurting anyone, wrestling with those thoughts and others in my mind. I was listening to music in my earbuds on my music player as I was walking, and the beautiful Corrs cover of R.E.M.’s Everybody Hurts came up on my playlist and started playing, and when Andrea, their lead singer, got to the part where she sings no, no, no, you’re not alone’ it broke me, and I began weeping while I was walking, partly because I was afraid it wasn’t true, and partly because I hoped that it was. I hoped that those beautiful words backed by soaring violins were true, and that maybe God, if he (or she, or both combined) was listening, or whoever was listening that cared, was saying that to me through that song in that moment... And this week has been really rough for me too, in large part because of a deep and complex problem in my life regarding a relationship of mine (a problem that I don’t feel comfortable sharing about here), and all in all I’ve been pretty shaken up and depressed. I had another breakdown (this many breakdowns in such a short period of time is kind of unusual for me, at least these days) while lying in bed, crying out to God or whoever was listening for help, after which the number 145 started flashing in my mind, which led me to this big book of religious and spiritual poetry that I have that has thousands of poems that are numbered and categorized, and turning to page 145 I found a poem about Jesus as a child that ended with a reference to Gethsemane (where Jesus apparently sweated blood because of how much anguish he was in, which I can really relate to), which kind of said to me that God truly understands (in the same way that Savannah Brown in her video hopes that we can understand one another) what I am going through in my life, and then when I turned to poem number 145, it was one that talked about the haunting presence of God, and beneath that, poem 146, there was an excerpt from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam that really jumped out at me: That which we dare invoke to bless; Our dearest faith; our ghastliest doubt; He, They, One, All; within, without; The Power in darkness whom we guess; I found Him not in world or sun, Or eagle's wing, or insect's eye; Nor thro' the questions men may try, The petty cobwebs we have spun: If e'er when faith had fall'n asleep, I heard a voice `believe no more' And heard an ever-breaking shore That tumbled in the Godless deep; A warmth within the breast would melt The freezing reason's colder part, And like a man in wrath the heart Stood up and answer'd "I have felt. "No, like a child in doubt and fear: But that blind clamour made me wise; Then was I as a child that cries, But, crying, knows his father near; And what I am beheld again What is, and no man understands; And out of darkness came the hands That reach thro' nature, moulding men. This excerpt of Tennyson’s poem said to me that in my crying that my Father (or my Mother, or my Creator, or whatever you may call it) was and is near, and that there is maybe some higher meaning or purpose (that moulding) to my whole situation in life, that I am not alone and one day I may understand, and all of this helped me to calm down and rest a bit. Since then I have still be struggling off and on, but I feel like I am beginning to level out somewhat, partly because of little encouraging glimpses and whispers like these, and partly through the encouragement and kindness of friends, and while I’m not out of the woods yet, I’m seeing a little more light and have a little more hope than I had before, though of course I will continue to have my ups and downs as all of us do... whatever the case, I will keep trying to move forward, will keep trying to find my way, will keep trying to hold on, hold on, believing with whatever faith and hope I have that no, no, no, I’m not alone, even, or especially when, I am crying in the dark.

I believe each of us is like a portal into another world, and through my words (which no matter how hard I try seem like straw at the end of the day) I try to open my portal so you can maybe get a glimpse into it, or hear whispers from it, and of course this world that you may call Matthew or some guy you know more or less, but that I call my life and my soul, is just one world among billions of worlds on this World, with a capital W, that we call Earth and that all of us share, and the Earth of course doesn't revolve around me anymore than it does anyone of course, or at least it shouldn't anyway. And of course your perceptions of me and your interpretations of what I have to say here will inevitably be different from my own perceptions or interpretations of myself and everything I've written here, that's a given and there's no way around that sadly. I've talked about empathy and understanding here but just because it's important doesn't make it easy, as maybe some of you reading this disagree with me or take issue with me on this or on that in all my weird and wild jumping around, whether it is on politics or social issues or philosophy or religion or my ideas or beliefs or perceptions or interpretations or experiences or whatever it may be, heck, maybe you even disagree with my taste in music or books or movies for all I know, and maybe some of you may find it hard to empathize with me or understand me for whatever reasons, and as sad as that might be for me I know that it's always a possibility. I can’t make everyone like me, let alone love me, anymore than anyone can make me like or love them. It’s always a choice for each of us. Not through my words or even through my actions could I ever hope to gain respect or love or acceptance from everyone that I come into contact with or comes into contact with me in whatever way, that hasn't happened and that's not going to happen, which goes back to the importance of learning to respect and love and accept myself, and of course having empathy and understanding towards myself isn't any easier than having empathy and understanding towards others, but hey you gotta try to start somewhere, right?

I remember in an audio drama that I was listening to recently called Olive Hill, in the last episode the main character said something about how it may be that life will never be completely satisfying, that we will always be searching or reaching for whatever it is we are longing and aching for, and as sad as that is maybe that’s okay, because maybe it is what keeps us moving forward, maybe hope keeps us moving forward, further up and further in (and down, and out).

I hope that my writing here, my blog or my blarg or my bleh, is better than some of my writings in the past, that it is less pretentious and arrogant, that it is not so disingenuous and fake, and that there is a spark of something genuine and real in these words like straw, and that they are aimed in the right direction, maybe towards a star. I hope that I can learn to be at peace, balls to bones, not knowing or understanding everything, and that I can learn to walk the ways of love with more confidence, and can learn to be more empathetic towards those who are different from me. I hope that I've gathered enough of the fluttering pieces to say something with some weight or value, to lay some kind of foundation, though perhaps leaving some fluttering pieces to fly, leaving a little room for mystery, perhaps the kind of mystery that will embrace me in the end, like a mother embraces her child. I hope I've been able to swim through all of the stormy waters here, and that there is a baby in all of this bathwater, and some proof in all this pudding. I hope that I will have it in me to carry my cross, but also hope that I will not be alone in carrying it. I hope that I have been able in some small way to invite you and include you in my reaching, my longing, my aching, as messy and awkward and weird as it may be, and that there is a kind of communion between us here somehow, holding up our hands and our hearts, as you read between the lines and as I write between them. I hope I and all of us can hold onto the magic, that in growing up we don't lose it entirely, I hope that even beneath the clay of time it is still part of us somehow, and perhaps we are a part of it. I hope that I will always have the strength and courage in me to not give up, and to remember that life is not only sorrow but also joy, joy as poignant as grief. I hope that I will continue to be able to see the signs and be able to follow them wherever they may lead, even if it gets a little weird and wild. I hope that one day I too, like my friend Erin, will set foot on white shores leading into a far green country with a swift sunrise, walking into a wonderful light, and will see face to face and will know even as I am fully known. I hope that I can find the dreams I need to find in the mines of my soul so I can carry them into the world, whether the world in me or the world around me. I hope that my soul can find somewhere to stand, that my threads can catch somewhere firm, even if they may feel like petty cobwebs sometimes. I hope that I can learn to respect and love and accept myself, even if I may still be a scared kid deep inside. I hope that I can find the middle path, or the way, between those extremes of open oceans and barren deserts, between darkness and light, chaos and order, yin and yang, that I can find the balance. I hope that I will somehow be able to navigate to the proper shore in the worst of the storms, even if it is in the sea itself, though also hope that there is something, or someone, with me here in this little boat of mine, holding my hands and letting me know to not be afraid and to not give up, and promising to help me along the way, sailing right behind. I hope that I can hold on, hold on, and remember that no, no, no, I’m not alone, and even when I am crying in the dark, believing that one day I will understand.

And lastly, I hope that, after having picked away at this post for about a month, that something here in all of this straw of mine speaks to you, encourages you, challenges you, or in some way or another helps you along your way. I hope that we can all stumble along the way together, here and now in this weird and wild world.

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rasmajesty · 5 years ago

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#Repost @rootscollectivenyc 🚨🚨** Meet RAS MAJESTY** His music & voice embodies a young Bob Marley, Garnett Silk or Richie Spice fused with the modern day sense of Chronixx, Samory-I or Protoje. He often notes social awareness and struggle while seamlessly tapping into deep spaces in his true to life love songs and rastaman chants and prayers. Born of Native Columbian, Irish and Hawaiian decent in San Francisco, & raised in both Maui and a home outside of Oakland, California, @rasmajestymusic found himself in a unique part of the world where progressive minds flourished alongside the blending of cultural influences and traditions. As a child he traveled with his grandparents who toured as a Hawaiian island band, thus introducing the young child to his love and diverse understanding of music. He was able to learn a few instruments by the age of 13, and taught himself music production software by the age of 17. In his twenties he struggled with life, and ended up earning a degree in audio engineering in 2008. But at this point he had already recorded, produced & performed in many various projects throughout the years. In 2011 RAS MAJESTY took a career changing course and moved to Brooklyn, to begin a new chapter. So far, RAS MAJESTY has settled incredibly well by forming and becoming musical director of a band of roots reggae musicians and backing reggae artists, throwing and promoting events, while also opening and operating a 24-track recording studio, recording and producing other musicians, artists and vocalists, and helping connect the dots. RAS MAJESTY has had the chance to perform on stages with artists such as The Original Wailers, Ky-mani Marley, Ikaya, Autarchii, Raging Fyah, New Kingston Band, Khalilah Rose, Iyata Safari, No-Maddz, Khari Kill, Metric Man, Royal Khaoz, The Tosh Marley Band, Jah Sun, Sublime with Rome, Jordan-T, Fully Fullwood, Mystic Roots, Living Legends, Native Elements, KRS-One, ZionI, Skadanks, Hieroglyphics, Bayonics and more. RAS MAJESTY currently has 3 singles out all published and produced from his own label @grandlionpro RAS MAJESTY prides himself on being a diverse artist that can create a atmosphere that embodies Ites🚨 https://www.instagram.com/p/B5uhunGhGIr/?igshid=14txvmhgtphfr

#repost

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worldtouradvicetravel · 2 years ago

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Cairo holidays with Petra and Jordan Tour

Through Petra Tour, discover the top destinations for adventure tours. This adventure through Egypt and Jordan Packages reveals so much more than the sphinxes and tombs of Egypt. From Cairo, visit Amman and Petra, swim in the Red Sea, and take in incredible sightseeing in Cairo.

While in Egypt, walk like an emperor. Jordan World Tour Advice offers small group tours from Egypt to Jordan to see Wadi Rum, the Dead Sea, and the most interesting sights in Jordan. Take a vacation through mystic sands, dangerous pyramids, and amazing Petra.

Allow yourself to be pampered with plenty of Jordan Tours that are designed to feast your eyes with the glory of Petra, Wadi Rum, as well as touch the sky while exploring Egypt and its amazing landmarks and more with Egypt Jordan Tours. With World Tour Advice, you can unleash your inner adventurer while exploring the gleaming finds of Egypt and Jordan in one package.

The numerous Jordan and Egypt tours that World Tour Advice offers include the Cairo Nile Cruise and Petra Tours, the Ancient Egypt and Petra Tours, and the Cairo and Sharm El Sheikh and Jordan Tours.

Day 1 Welcome to Cairo, Egypt -( Cairo and Petra Holiday )

Dear guest, welcome to Egypt, once your feet touch Cairo international airport, you will be most welcomed and appreciated by Worldtouradvice Tours Egypt team, donâ€™t be worry at all about the procedures and your bags as our deputy will help you to pass it all smoothly, then you will be carried out to your hotel to overnight in Cairo. Overnight in Cairo.

Welcome Drink

Day 2 Giza pyramid and Saqqara complex tour in Cairo- ( Cairo and Petra Holiday )

Relish sunny shiny morning on the land of the Pharaohs, enjoy having your tasty yummy breakfast at your hotel, prepare yourself to meet your experienced Tour Guide and start your tour to scout Giza Plateau to visit the Great Pyramids of Cheops, Chefren and Mykerinus - Stir tour to the mysterious Sphinx then to Valley Temple facing the great Sphinx. Optional tour to enter one of Giza pyramids or the Solar Boat Museum . visit Papyrus gallery, Now you will feel hungry, relish your lunch meal, then stir tour to Saqqara complex, Kagemni mastaba, the Heb sed building and the step pyramid of king Zoser,return to hotel, at ight optional tour Sound and light show or Nile cruise including dinner and show, overnight in Cairo.

Meals: Breakfast, Lunch

Day 3: Cairo Tour (Egyptian Museum â€“ Citadel â€“ Khan El Khalili) ( Cairo and Petra Holiday )

Relish your breakfast in your hotel then meet your private tour guide to start a guided tour to visit the Egyptian museum located in Tahrir square in Cairo downtown, During the Egyptian museum tour you will discover the most interesting part in the Egyptian history, You will visit the gallery of the child king Tut Ankh Amon and his golden treasure including tha famous golden mask, your guide wll take you to other galleries belonging to Old, Middle and New kingdoms, history of more than 7000 years,

then enjoy lunch meal in a local restaurant either with a Nile view or a local one n the market ( It depend on you if You like early or late lunch ) ,Proceed tour to visit Saladin citadel ( El Qalaa ) and the White alabaster mosque, on your way to the citadel you will see the famous City of Dead in Cairo ( El Qarafa ), proceed trip to visit Old Cairo and the Crypt of the Holy christian family in Saint Sergius church, visit the most ancient Synagogue of Bin Ezra, proceed tour to the old market Khan Khalili, walking tour in the old street Muizz street and back to hotel

Day 4: Fly from Cairo to Amman - Welcome in Jordan ( Cairo and Petra Holiday )

A yummy breakfast in hotel followed by meeting World tour advice representative, then you will be escorted to Cairo International Airport for your flight to Jordan to Amman. Upon arrival at Queen Alia Airport in Amman, Worldtouradvice Representative will meet and assist you through the customs and immigration procedures. Transfer to the Hotel in Amman,Free time in Amman for overnight.

Meals: Breakfast

Day 5: Madaba - Dead Sea Tour ( Cairo and Petra Holiday )

Relish a tasty breakfast drive to Mount Nebo, the place where Prophet Moses gazed at the promised land before he died, Mount Nebo is believed to be the tomb of Moses. It is a lonely, windswept hill. Protecting the ruins of a 4th and 6th Century church whose floor is still covered with marvelous mosaics, is a building constructed by the Franciscans who started excavating the site in 1933. During your tour to mount Nbo will visit the old Monastery and overlook the Jordan Valley, Stir your tours and drive to Madaba . where you will find the famous for its curches and byzantine mosaic 6th century map of Palestine in St. Georgeâ€™s Church. Drive to the dead sea, famous for its useful salt and mud, free time for Dead sea, Proceed your tour and continue heading south, arrival to the rose city Petra, overnight at a hotel in Petra . The following morning weâ€™ll begin our comprehensive tour of Petra which includes all of the highlights of the site

Overnight in Petra

Meals: Breakfast

Day 6: Ancient City of Petra Tour - ( Cairo and Petra Holiday )

Yummy tasty breakfast ,meet your tour guide, be ready to explore the Rose Red City of Petra, Jordanâ€™s largest attraction. First started in the 6 th century B.C. by Nabataean Arabs the city boasts beautiful facades carved directly into the walls of the mountain sides. Arriving at the visitorâ€™s center itâ€™s a 700 meter walk to the Siq entrance which is an impressive 1200 meter long gorge of a kaleidoscope of colors the towers more than 80 meters above you. As you exit the chasm youâ€™re instantly transfixed by the beauty of Petra, chosen as one of the New World Wonders, the place speaks for itself. After your time at Petra you make your way back through the Siq before returning to Amman.

Meals: Breakfast

Meals: Breakfast, Lunch

Day 7: Amman Day Tour

Relish your yummy breakfast, meet your tour guide to start a tour to explore Amman,Amman, the capital of Jordan, is a cutting edge city with various old vestiges. On Jabal al-Qala'a slope, the notable Citadel incorporates the mainstays of the Roman Temple of Hercules and the eighth century Umayyad Palace perplexing, known for its fantastic vault. Incorporated with an alternate downtown slope, the Roman Theater is a 6,000-limit, second century stone amphitheater offering infrequent occasions

Meals: Breakfast

Day 8 End of Cairo and Petra tours, Final departure

Relish breakfast n hotel in Amman, check out, you will be transferred to Queen Alia Airport for final departure.

Meals: Breakfast

Cairo and Petra tour Includes

Meet and welcome administration and return by our delegates at Airport(s)

Help of our work force amid your stay, visits and trips

Exchanges by private a/c new vehicle with English-talking colleague

Convenience for 3 evenings in Cairo Hotel with breakfast

Convenience for 3 evenings in Amman Jordan Hotel with breakfast

Outing to Pyramids, Sphinx, Valley sanctuary, Sakkara and Memphis

Outing to Egyptian Museum, Saladin Citadel and Old Cairo

Outing in Petra significant sights as depicted above in schedule

Short Horseback rides in Petra

Trip to Mt. Nebo, Madaba and the Dead Sea in Jordan

Lunch dinners amid visits in Giza/Cairo/Petra/Amman

Filtered water on board vehicle amid Egypt visits

Extra charges to the sights in Cairo/Giza/Petra/Amman in Jordan

English-speaking Guide in Cairo and Giza in Egypt

English-talking on the spot Guide in Petra around 3 hours

English-talking aide in Madaba, Mt. Nebo and the Dead Sea

Administration charges and assessments included all through the visits

Free advance of cell phone charged against 30 min neighborhood calls/2 min. global calls

Cairo and Petra tour Excludes

- International flights

- Anything not mentioned

- Beverages or meals not mentioned

- Tipping kitty

Tipping ( Bakshish) is a customary attitude in Middle East for expressing ones satisfaction ones fulfillment of good administrators rendered to him by staff on obligation with him. We prompt on the off chance that you will offer it, this would be incredible and if not, you are not obliged to do it.

For more info

[email protected]

Website

Mobile and what’s App:

002 01090023837

#Petra Tour From Cairo #Egypt Jordan Holiday #Petra Cairo Tour Package #Cairo and Petra Tour #Jordan and Egypt tour package #Madaba tour #Dead sea from Cairo #mount nbo tour

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thedjmusic · 2 years ago

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Traxsource New Dance / Electro Pop 2022-10-15

DOWNLOAD: https://thedjmusic.com/music/traxsource_new_dance_electro_pop_2022_10_150

DATA: 2022-10-15 TOTAL: 77 GENRE: Dance / Electro Pop

2 Unlimited - Workaholic (Rio & Le Jean Remix)

2 Unlimited, Phil Wilde - Get Ready For This (Wilde Remix)

Alessia Labate, Emdey, Yes Yes - Kind Of Love (Extended Mix)

Anjulie, French Braids - Numb & Comfortable (Original Mix)

Beiba - Questo Swing (Original Mix)

Beyonce - ALL UP IN YOUR MIND (Original Mix)

Beyoncé - Run The World (NOT.ME Remix)

Beyonce, Grace Jones, Tems - MOVE (Original Mix)

Bryan Ferry - Shameless (Tong & Rogers Wonderland Remix)

CC Clarke - On Read

Cub Sport - Always Got The Love (Jamesjamesjames remix)

Danell Arma - Maneater (Original Mix)

Dave Aude, LeAnn Rimes - Uninvited (Original Mix)

David Guetta, Bebe Rexha - I'm Good (Blue) (Extended)

David Guetta, Sigala, Sam Ryder - Living Without You (Extended)

Deep Stream - One Night (Extended Mix)

Diplo, TSHA, Kareen Lomax - Let You Go (LF SYSTEM Extended Remix)

Enkode, Nick McWilliams - Burnt Bridges (Bozito Remix)

Fragma - Toca's Miracle (2000 Extended Mix)

Fragma - Toca's Miracle (2008 Inpetto Radio Edit)

Groove Armada - I See You Baby (Ewan McVicar's Spacehouse Remix)

Hertzberg & Funke, Affas - I Want It That Way (Extended Mix)

Jack Stauber - Buttercup (NOT.ME Remix)

JODA (UK) - Air (Original Mix)

JODA (UK) - Breaking Down Walls (Original Mix)

JODA (UK) - Coming Alive (Original Mix)

JODA (UK) - Fall Away (Original Mix)

JODA (UK) - No One Walks Away (Original Mix)

JODA (UK) - Smile (Original Mix)

JODA (UK) - Spark (Original Mix)

JODA (UK) - Try (Original Mix)

JODA (UK) - We Find Ourselves (Extended Mix)

Jonas Blue, Louisa Johnson - Always Be There (Extended Mix)

Kanye West - Mercy feat Big Sean, Pusha T, 2 Chainz (Max Klimek & NOT.ME Remix)

KC Lights, Tom Santa - Rainfall (Praise You) (6AM Remix)

Kiddy Smile - Easy to Say (feat Planningtorock) (Original Mix)

Klaas - Wishing Well (Extended Mix)

Kubi, JØRD, Zuffo - Mystic (Extended)

Lizot - Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!) (Original Mix)

LOST CAPITAL - Livin Without Maybes (feat Got Sujyan) (Extended Mix)

Madonna - 4 Minutes (feat Justin Timberlake & Timbaland) [Bob Sinclar Space Funk Edit] (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Celebration (Benny Benassi Remix Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Deeper And Deeper (David's Radio Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Frozen (Extended Club Mix Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Get Together (Jacques Lu Cont Vocal Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Girl Gone Wild (Avicii's UMF Mix) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Holiday (7' Version) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Hung Up (SDP Extended Vocal Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - I Don't Search I Find (Honey Dijon Radio Mix) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Jump (Axwell Remix Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Like A Prayer (7' Remix Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Music (Deep Dish Dot Com Radio Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Turn Up The Radio (Offer Nissim Remix Edit) (2022 Remaster)

Madonna - Vogue (Single Version) (2022 Remaster)

Mahalo, Captain Cuts - Are U With Me feat Dan Caplen (Extended Mix)

Morgan Page, HARBER - Body Like feat sid tipton (Extended Mix)

Pell, Austin Millz - What's Next (Original Mix)

Portugal. The Man - What, Me Worry? (A-Trak Extended Remix)

Prezioso, Timmy Trumpet, 71 Digits - Three Little Birds (Extended Mix)

Remady - Missing You (Extended Mix)

Rocco, DEEPAIM - On The Move (Can't Let You Go) (Extended Mix)

Rochelle Jordan - All Along (Kaytranada Remix)

Rochelle Jordan - Already (Things You Say Remix)

Rochelle Jordan - Got Em (Sango Remix)

Rochelle Jordan - Something (Byron The Aquarius Remix)

Sam Feldt, Rita Ora - Follow Me (Sick Individuals Remix)

Sam Feldt, salem ilese - Hate Me (Original Mix)

Sunny Cooks - Know You Wanna (DiscoVer. & Sanich Remix)

Swedish House Mafia, Connie Constance - Heaven Takes You Home (Alternative Mix)

Syn Cole, Alida - Shadow (Extended Mix)

Tiesto, Charli Xcx - Hot In It (Riton Extended Remix)

Timbaland - Give It To Me feat Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake (NOT.ME Remix)

Tom Walker, Robin Schulz - Sun Will Shine (Extended Mix)

Tourist, Elderbrook - Howl (Original Mix)

Vintage Culture, Meduza, Ben Samama - Under Pressure (Extended Mix)

Yamagucci - It's Alright (Extended Mix)

Zedd, Maren Morris, Beauz - Make You Say (Extended Mix)

#dance #dance pop #electro pop

0 notes

pamphletstoinspire · 6 years ago

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Gospel Reading and Commentary for Tuesday, January 8, 2019 - Roman Catholic - Mark 6: 34 - 44

34. And Jesus, when He came out, saw many people, and was moved with compassion toward them, because they were as sheep not having a shepherd: and He began to teach them many things.

Gloss.: The Evangelist, after relating the death of John, gives an account of those things which Christ did with His disciples after the death of John, saying, “And the Apostles gathered themselves together unto Jesus, and told Him all things, both what they had done, and what they had taught.”

Pseudo-Jerome: For they return to the fountain-head whence the streams flow; those who are sent by God, always offer up thanks for those things which they have received.

Theophylact: Let us also learn, when we are sent on any mission, not to go far away, and not to overstep the bounds of the office committed, but to go often to him, who sends us, and report all that we have done and taught; for we must not only teach but act.

Bede: Not only do the Apostles tell the Lord what they themselves had done and taught, but also His own and John’s disciples together tell Him what John had suffered, during the time that they were occupied in teaching, as Matthew relates.

It goes on: “And He said to them, Come ye yourselves apart, &c.”

Augustine, de Con. Evan., 2, 45: This is said to have taken place, after the passion of John, therefore what is first related took place last, for it was by these events that Herod was moved to say, “This is John the Baptist, whom I beheaded.”

Theophylact: Again, He goes into a desert place from His humility. But Christ makes His disciples rest, that men who are set over others may learn, that they who labour in any work or in the word deserve rest, and ought not to labour continually.

Bede: How arose the necessity for giving rest to His disciples, He shews, when He adds, “For there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat;” we may then see how great was the happiness of that time, both from the toil of the teachers, and from the diligence of the learners.

It goes on: “And embarking in a ship, they departed into a desert place privately.”

The disciples did not enter into the ship alone, but taking up the Lord with them, they went to a desert place, as Matthew shews. [Matt 14] Here He tries the faith of the multitude, and by seeking a desert place He would see whether they care to follow Him. And they follow Him, and not on horseback, nor in carriages, but laboriously coming on foot, they shew how great is their anxiety for their salvation.

There follows: “And the people saw them departing, and many knew Him, and ran afoot [p. 120] thither out of all cities, and outwent them.”

In saying that they outwent them on foot, it is proved that the disciples with the Lord did not reach the other bank of the sea, or of the Jordan, but they went to the nearest places of the same country, where the people of those parts could come to them on foot.

Theophylact: So do thou not wait for Christ till He Himself call you, but outrun Him, and come before Him.

There follows: “And Jesus when He came out saw many people, and was moved with compassion towards them, because they were as sheep having no shepherd.”

The Pharisees being ravening wolves did not feed the sheep, but devoured them; for which reason they gather themselves to Christ, the true Shepherd, who gave them spiritual food, that is, the word of God.

Wherefore it goes on: “And He began to teach them many things.”

For seeing that those who followed Him on account of His miracles were tired from the length of the way, He pitied them, and wished to satisfy their wish by teaching them.

Bede, in Marc., 2, 26: Matthew says that He healed their sick, for the real way of pitying the poor is to open to them the way of truth by teaching them, and to take away their bodily pains.

Pseudo-Jerome: Mystically, however, the Lord took apart those whom He chose, that though living amongst evil men, they might not apply their minds to evil things, as Lot in Sodom, Job in the land of Uz, and Obadiah in the house of Ahab.

Bede, in Marc., 2, 25: Leaving also Judaea, the holy preachers, in the desert of the Church, overwhelmed by the burden of their tribulations amongst the Jews, obtained rest by the imparting of the grace of faith to the Gentiles.

Pseudo-Jerome: Little indeed is the rest of the saints here on earth, long is their labour, but afterwards, they are bidden to rest from their labours. But as in the ark of Noah, the animals that were within were sent forth, and they that were without rushed in, so is it in the Church, Judas went, the thief came to Christ. But as long as men go back from the faith, the Church can have no refuge from grief; for Rachel weeping for her children would not be comforted. Moreover, this world is not the banquet, in which the new wine is drank, when the new song will be sung by men made anew, when this mortal shall have put on immortality.

Bede, in Marc., 2, 26: But when Christ [p. 121] goes to the deserts of the Gentiles, many bands of the faithful leaving the walls of their cities, that is their old manner of living, follow Him.

35. And when the day was now far spent, His disciples came unto Him, and said, “This is a desert place, and now the time is far passed:

36. Send them away, that they may go into the country round about, and into the villages, and buy themselves bread: for they have nothing to eat.”

37. He answered and said unto them, “Give ye them to eat.” And they said unto Him, “Shall we go and buy two hundred pennyworth of bread, and give them to eat?”

38. He saith unto them, “How many loaves have ye? go and see.” And when they knew, they say, “Five, and two fishes.”

39. And He commanded them to make all sit down by companies upon the green grass.

40. And they sat down in ranks, by hundreds, and by fifties.

41. And when He had taken the five loaves and the two fishes, He looked up to heaven, and blessed, and brake the loaves, and gave them to His disciples to set before them; and the two fishes divided He among them all.

42. And they did all eat, and were filled.

43. And they took up twelve baskets full of the fragments, and of the fishes.

44. And they that did eat of the loaves were about five thousand men.

Theophylact: The Lord, placing before them, first, what is most profitable, that is, the food of the word of God, afterwards also gave the multitude food for their bodies; in beginning to relate which, the Evangelist say, “And when the [p. 122] day was now far spent, His disciples came unto Him, and said, This is a desert place.

Bede: The time being far spent, points out that it was evening. Wherefore Luke says, “But the day had begun to decline.”

Theophylact: See now, how those who are disciples of Christ grow in love to man, for they pity the multitudes, and come to Christ to intercede for them. But the Lord tried them, to see whether they would know that His power was great enough to feed them.

Wherefore it goes on: “He answered and said unto them, Give ye them to eat.”

Bede: By these words He calls on His Apostles, to break bread for the people, that they might be able to testify that they had no bread, and thus the greatness of the miracle might become more known.

Theophylact: But the disciples thought that He did not know what was necessary for the feeding of so large a multitude, for their answer shews that they were troubled.

For it goes on, “And they said unto Him, Let us go and buy two hundred pennyworth of bread, and give them to eat.”

Augustine, de Con. Evan., 2, 46: This in the Gospel of John is the answer to Philip, but Mark gives it as the answer of the disciples, wishing it to be understood that Philip made this answer as a mouthpiece of the others; although he might put the plural number for the singular, as is usual.

It goes on: “And He saith unto them, How many loaves have ye? go and see.”

The other Evangelists pass over this being done by the Lord.

It goes on: “And when they knew, they say, “Five, and two fishes.”

This, which was suggested by Andrew, as we learn from John, the other Evangelists, using the plural for the singular, have put into the mouth of the disciples.

It goes on, “And He commanded them to make all sit down by companies upon the green grass, and they sat down in ranks by hundreds and by fifties.”

But we need not be perplexed, though Luke says that they were ordered to sit down by fifties, and Mark by hundreds and fifties, for one has mentioned a part, the other the whole. Mark, who mentions the hundreds, fills up what the other has left out.

Theophylact: We are given to understand that they lay down in parties, separate from one another, for what is translated by companies, is repeated twice over in the Greek, as though it were by companies and companies.

It goes on, “And when He had taken the five loaves and the [p. 123] two fishes, He looked up to heaven, and blessed, and broke the loaves, and gave them to His disciples to set before them: and the two fishes divided He among them all.”

Chrys., Vict. Ant. e Cat. in Marc., see Hom. in Matt., 49: Now it was with fitness that He looked up to heaven, for the Jews, when receiving manna in the desert, presumed to say of God, “Can he give bread?” [Ps 78:20] To prevent this, therefore, before He performed the miracle, He referred to His Father when He was about to do.

Theophylact: He also looks up to heaven, that He may teach us to seek our food from God, and not from the devil, as they do who unjustly feed on other men’s labours. By this also He intimated to the crowd, that He could not be opposed to God, since He called upon God. And He gives the bread to His disciples to set before the multitude, that by handling the bread, they might see that it was an undoubted miracle.

It goes on: “And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up twelve baskets full of the fragments.”

Twelve baskets of fragments remained over and above, that each of the Apostles, carrying a basket on his shoulder, might recognise the unspeakable wonder of the miracle. For it was a proof of overflowing power not only to feed so many men, but also to leave such a superabundance of fragments. Even though Moses gave manna, yet what was given to each was measured by his necessity, and what was over and above was overrun with worms. Elias also fed the woman, but gave her just what was enough for her; but Jesus, being the Lord, makes His gifts with superabundant profusion.

Bede: Again, in a mystical sense, the Saviour refreshes the hungry crowds at the day’s decline, because, either now that the end of the world approaches, or now that the Son of justice has set in death for us, we are saved from wasting away in spiritual hunger. He calls the Apostles to Him at the breaking of bread, intimating that daily by them our hungry souls are fed, that is, by their letters and examples. By the five loaves are figured the Five Books of Moses, by the two fishes, the Psalms and Prophets.

Theophylact: Or the two fishes are the discourses of fishermen, that is, their Epistles and Gospel.

Bede: [ed. note: The same application to the five senses is found in Origen in Matt. 14, 17, and St. Ambrose in Luc., 6, 80. The latter, probably, was the source from which Bede borrowed it, as in both it forms a portion of a comparison between this miracle and that of the four thousand being fed with seven loaves, in which the latter are said to be a type of the Christian, who has given up external things. Origen, Hom. 3 in Leviticus lays it down as a principle, that the number five is almost always taken for the five sense in Scripture.] There are five senses in the outward man [p. 124] which shews that by the five thousand men are meant those who, living in the world, know how to make a good use of external things.

Greg., Mor. 16, 55: The different ranks in which those who ate lie down, mark out the divers churches which make up the one Catholic. [ed. note: The number fifty is connected with rest from sin, or remission, with an allusion to the Jubilee and to Pentecost by Origen in Matt. Tom. xi. 3, and by St. Ambrose Ap. David 8. On number a hundred, as the recognized symbol of perfection, see Benedictine Note] But the Jubilee rest is contained in the mystery of the number fifty, and fifty must be doubled before it reaches up to a hundred. As then the first step is to rest from doing evil, that afterwards the soul may rest more fully from evil thoughts, some lie down in parties of fifty, others of a hundred.

Bede: Again, those men lie down on grass and are fed by the food of the Lord, who have trodden under foot their concupiscences by continence, and apply themselves diligently to hear and fulfil the words of God. [ed. note: see Aurea Catena in Matthew, p. 537] The Saviour, however, does not create a new sort of food; for when He came in the flesh He preached no other things than were predicted, but shewed how pregnant with mysteries of grace were the writings of the Law and the Prophets.

He looks up to heaven, that He may teach us that there we must look for grace. He breaks and distributes to the disciples that they may place the bread before the multitudes, because He has opened the mysteries of prophecy to holy doctors, who are to preach them to the whole world. What is left by the crowd is taken up by the disciples, because the more sacred mysteries, which cannot be received by the foolish, are not to be passed by with negligence, but to be inquired into by the perfect. For by the twelve baskets, the Apostles and the following Doctors are typified, externally indeed despised by men, but inwardly full of healthful food. For all know that carrying baskets is a part of the work of slaves.

Pseudo-Jerome: Or, in the gathering of the twelve baskets full of fragments, is signified the time, when they shall sit on thrones, judging all who are left of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the twelve tribes of Israel, when the remnant of Israel shall be saved.

#gospel of mark

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dcubang · 4 years ago

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Third Round of Claims Open!

Hello! Based on feedback, I’ve decided to open a third round of claims! For the third round, artists/fanworkers are free to claim as many stories as they are reasonably sure they can finish!

The third round of claims is optional. Don’t want to claim another story, or don’t feel like you’ll be able to create something for multiple stories? You don’t need to claim! I would much rather you focus on creating something awesome for one story, rather than being stressed out trying to create something for multiple stories. Know your limits and don’t overburden yourself!

Each story can be claimed an additional two times. That means there is a potential total of 3 artists per story, and a minimum of 1 artist per story. While unlikely, it would be pretty hectic and stressful for an author to have to coordinate with 16 artists on their story! That’s why there is a limit, and to encourage people to spread the art around to other stories. =D

Stories are guaranteed only one artist each. I cannot guarantee that every single story will get a second artist. Please be understanding of this!

The third round of claims will close Sunday, July 19th 23:59 MDT, when all fanworker sign-ups will be closed. (This is a slight extension compared to the schedule.)

How to Make Multiple Claims:

--- Stories are claimed on a first come, first served basis.

--- Fill out this Google Form right here

--- A matching email will go out to both the artist and the author containing each other’s contact information after a claim is successful. You should receive this email no later than 72 hours after I have confirmed the claim. If you don't get this match up email, please get in contact with me ASAP so that artists and authors can get to work quickly!

Every story listed here is not guaranteed a second or third artist/fanworker! I can only guarantee one artist/fanworker per story.

Summaries after the Read More

2020 Summaries

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#dcu bang #DC Universe #Fanart #fanfic #fandom

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