#Joran and Jadzia

[filmjunky-99]

s t a r t r e k d e e p s p a c e n i n e created by rick berman, michael piller [equilibrium, s3ep4]

'You're a part of me.' - jadzia

[startrekvsfaceapp]

[sluttyquarantinetheory]

Deep Space 9 makes such a big deal about Joran having killed 3 people. But it does not want to discuss the fact that Curzon, Jadzia, and Ezri were all active duty soldiers.

[sshbpodcast]

Episode 169: Business Sense and Nonsense

DS9: "The House of Quark" and "Equilibrium"

Schemes are afoot this week on DS9, of wildly varying quality! First up, Quark finds himself embroiled in Klingon political scheming after an accident at the bar, but his acumen may be more useful than warrior ways in "The House of Quark"! After that, the Trill confuse everyone with a weird plot and ill-defined details and maybe it should've just been a circus instead in "Equilibrium"!

Also this week: forgetting the B plot, a karate lesson, and +6 to charisma!

Timestamps: "The House of Quark", 00:49; "Equilibrium", 38:35

[mylittleredgirl]

unpopular opinion but i really enjoy "field of fire," the ezri dax "to catch a serial killer" episode. for all the scenery chewing and deep space nine's continued vulcan smear campaign, i'm not going to pretend it's objectively the best of the ezri a-plot episodes, but it's my favorite for what it reveals about her.

jadzia was emotional, headstrong, and sometimes impulsive (as was curzon), but ezri is reckless.

of course she is! she's young! she's unqualified for everything that has happened to her, and honestly, so are all her peers. she ran away from a fucked-up home to starfleet at a time when, as we saw with nog, they're field-promoting cadets at top speed to fill the ranks as starfleet suffers massive war casualties. she's more or less the same generation as the red squad cadets on the valiant who decided to fight the dominion war by themselves behind enemy lines.

and she wouldn't be ezri dax otherwise. the reveal in "equilibrium" is a secret known only the symbiosis commission and the starfleet offiers who were physically in the room. to the medical staff on the destiny and ezri tigan herself, the odds of rejection from an improper trill joining are overwhelmingly likely and fatal. but ezri still volunteers to join with dax! she's probably going to die in this uniform anyway, right?

jadzia was a focused, rule-following, straight-a student before she met the party worm, and it took dax a season or two to loosen her up, but ezri was probably already unhinged.

so of course she's the one who decides to take her inner murderer off the leash at the slightest provocation. sisko asks her to help odo out, and ezri somehow interprets this as feeling like she's solely responsible for finding the killer when she only took one class at the academy in forensic psychology and didn't even like it. odo and o'brien are continuing their own investigation off-screen the whole time! meanwhile, she probably had to look up the trill emergence ritual in a book. she has not read the fine print on ANY of this.

and she sticks with this crazy plan, even when it becomes clear that she's right on the edge of becoming a danger to society. but ezri's whole starfleet career, maybe her whole young life of ignoring and plotting her escape from her emotionally abusive family, certainly her whole joined experience, has been lived right on the edge.

all the scenes she has with joran in and around quark's bar to me are her technique for staying grounded in reality. they often happen after joran pushes her too far, so she uses being public as a distraction from that one-on-one intensity—even though it means she looks insane and everyone's staring at her. even joran is like ".... shouldn't you have told sisko about me?" she is full in dax stubbornness on this deeply dubious plan.

and it works!! and in the final account, i think she liked it a little: the power of playing a killer, the power of being stronger than joran, and the soft ending she has with him during reintegration.

her symbiont, her whole life on the station, her friends, her romantic interests, they were all jadzia's first, but jadzia was afraid of joran and would never have played this game. in this one way, ezri has a closer relationship to her unearned symbiont than jadzia did.

ezri's beta canon trajectory of switching to a command track is okay, but it makes me sad to think she'd ditch her chosen career entirely. i could see her getting into criminal psychology. her brother's a murderer (she hasn't unpacked that AT ALL), one of her past hosts was a murderer... with that backstory, she'd do numbers in a federation law & order procedural series. i'd watch it.

but honestly, in the federation spirit of rehabilitation, she might be uniquely qualified to treat violent criminals as well, rather than hunting them down. she could reach in and heal that part of herself and then use that experience to reach others.

[lostyesterday]

Verad was the one who resented not being chosen as a host by the Symbiosis Commission so much that he took over Deep Space Nine and forced Jadzia to give the Dax symbiont to him before he was overpowered and the symbiont was returned to Jadzia.

Joran was the musician who was joined with Dax after Torias died suddenly. Joran went on to murder several people. The Trill government covered up the entire incident and blocked Joran from Dax’s memory, but the memories eventually resurfaced.

Yedrin was Jadzia’s descendant in the alternate timeline in Children of Time caused by Jadzia’s mistake in leading the Defiant to the planet where they were all pulled back in time. Yedrin tried to trick the crew of the Defiant into recreating the conditions of the accident in order to make sure his colony survived. Yedrin was erased from time with that entire timeline.

[thethirdromana]

I rewatched Facets recently, and there's the bit where Joran is taunting Jadzia:

Dax: You don't know anything about me. Joran: Only what I can see. A little girl not worthy of the noble creature nestled inside her. You're overwhelmed by it. You're in over your head. 

He's being gratuitously cruel. But in terms of the specific statement that Jadzia is overwhelmed by being joined to Dax... is he wrong?

Deep Space Nine shows us very little of who Jadzia was before she was Dax. We're told she was shy, quiet, hardworking and driven. Being joined seems to have been her main goal in life.

Being hardworking and driven remain parts of her personality. But a huge amount of the rest of what makes up Jadzia Dax seems to be much more Dax than Jadzia. The party animal stuff is Curzon, via Dax. The enthusiasm for Klingon life is Curzon, via Dax. Facets shows us that she's taken on Lela's way of standing, Tobin's mathematical challenges, and Torias' attitude to living life to the full. She falls in love with Torias' wife. We see her spending time with plenty of Curzon's friends, but I don't think we ever meet anyone who was a friend of Jadzia's before she was joined.

I think this is interesting in particular in the context of the reunification taboo. The idea is that the taboo exists so that the symbiont can have a diverse range of experiences, but the desire for a previous host's lover must - by definition! - come from the symbiont themselves, not from the host. The reunification taboo is essentially a requirement for the host to overrule the symbiont's wishes, for the symbiont's own benefit. And the only reason why that would need to exist as a taboo is if this is a likely problem.

So what does it actually mean for a symbiont to be given to an unsuitable host? I think Deep Space Nine gives us two examples. One is someone like Joran or Verad, who aren't morally worthy of the honour. Two is someone like Ezri, who is overwhelmed by getting a symbiont, and struggles to retain a sense of her own personality.

And in that respect... Jadzia doesn't actually seem that different to Ezri. They both pick up the former hosts' love interests and old friends. Personality-wise, Ezri perhaps manages better than Jadzia to maintain her own sense of identity.

(There are lots of Doylist reasons why they're written this way, e.g. Jadzia being introduced as Dax but Ezri then needing to be introduced as Ezri, but I'm really interested in focusing on the Watsonian take right now).

I wish Facets might have explored this as a reason why Curzon washed Jadzia out of the programme, instead of the gross storyline about how Curzon's love for Jadzia caused him to destroy her future, for which he gets forgiven much, much too easily. And it might have been an opportunity to get to know Jadzia a little better, not just Dax.

[a-random-british-top-hat]

Are there any fanfics of Ezri Dax meeting Lenara and or another generation of the Kahn symbiont? I may just write one myself,

I just think it'd be really interesting seeing Ezri interact with them, perhaps gender fluid lesbian worms pt 2 but even more angst, Lenara saying that she was wrong to leave Dax and how Ezri would handle it

I also want to see Ezri's zhian'tara, (the ritual that combined Odo and Curzon and also made Quark a loving mother), cuz I think that'd be cool, like who would she choose to be Jadzia and also I think seeing Jadzia say that she believes in Ezri would be so cathartic for both of them, Ezri finally gets proof that she is not Jadzia but Jadzia thinks that she's a good fit for Dax and Ezri gets a form of validation for once, that'd be really sweet

Constantly feeling inferior and not living up to Dax's previous hosts and then she meets them and they love her, I mean there would absolutely be manipulation from Joran but otherwise that could be just what Ezri needs for the crippling imposter syndrome she has

You know what, I think I will write about these things

[ezrisdax]

what is a tomb if not a body; carrying those long dead.

cenotaph (noun): a tomb or a monument erected in honor of a person or group of persons whose remains are elsewhere. derived from the Greek kenos taphos, meaning "empty tomb." A cenotaph is a monument, sometimes in the form of a tomb, to a person or group of persons buried elsewhere. or. Ezri.

also here on ao3

Live, Jadzia Dax. Live a long, fresh, and wonderful life.

The words rattled in Ezri’s head as she jolted awake. Her breathing was harsh in the otherwise quiet room and Ezri pulled her legs up to rest her head on her knees, just trying to still her rapidly beating heart.

She’d dreamt about Jadzia’s life again. Last night had been Audrid. Before that had been Tobin.

Ezri sighed, pressing her face harder against her knees and rocking slightly. It was a habit she’d picked up as a child and –

She stopped, mentally calculating it in her head. Had she picked it up or was it an after effect from another host?

No, Ezri told herself, I used to do this when mother was mad at me. I’d crawl into Norvo’s bed and sit like this until he came home and we’d talk about it.

Relieved that she was doing something which was wholly her own quirk she relaxed a little and pushed the dream from her mind. Thinking about the dreams she had as her past lives never did her any good, she always felt off during the day then. More off than she already did or would have, she imagined, if she hadn’t been joined.

“Get a hold of yourself Ezri.” She said out loud, pulling up to stretch and groaning when at that moment the alarm she had set for the day went off to remind her it was time to get ready for her shift. “Yeah yeah,” She told the computer. “I’m already awake.”

What she really needed now was a Papalla juice – raktajino – Jestral tea –

“Can’t you just decide on one?” Ezri groused to the flashes of old hosts favourites in her head. “This is already confusing enough.”

She dragged herself up to get ready, tugging on her uniform nervously. Today she had a meeting with Garak, another with Nog, and one with one of the Bajorans who’d been here while the Cardassian’s had occupied the station again a few years back. Despite that Benjamin assured her she was doing fine she still couldn’t help but feel like something was missing.

“Your confidence.” She told herself, looking in the mirror.

Joran had had confidence, he’d been so sure of his self and –

“I am not looking up to a murderer.” She said angrily, frowning at her reflection. Since she’d called him to get help more and more he’d been leaking into her daily thoughts while the others surfaced at night.

“I’m Ezri.” She said but even she could hear the hesitation. “I’m Ezri.” She asserted again because she knew it helped to hear it out loud. Her shoulders fell and she sighed, “I’m Dax.”

And it was time to face the day.

~~

Though the station was comprised of four different duty shifts mornings at Quark’s were always full.

“Hey Ezri,” Leeta greeted her with a grin, nodding her head over to the corner where Worf was sitting, “He’s been nursing that prune juice for a while.” Leeta lowered her voice in a conspiratory whisper.

Which meant that Worf had been awake a lot longer than necessary. She shot Leeta an appreciative smile and made her way over to Worf, taking the seat across from him.

“Busy night?” She asked, looking for an opening. Experience as Jadzia had taught her the best way to get Worf to talk was to cut right to the chase though she had enjoyed teasing it out of Worf at times.

Worf huffed, “A crew of Bolians arrived last night. They were unscheduled.”

“Is it anything bad?” Ezri glanced around, trying to discern if anything was amiss.

“They were...loud.”

She tried not to snicker at Worf’s grumpiness but it wasn’t easy. Luckily Leeta arrived to pull her attention away.

“So what’ll you have, Ezri?”

Gagh, Meshta gagh which was Curzon’s favourite –

Andevian eggs, a taste Lela claimed was acquired –

Something new, something unknown, Torias never ate the same thing twice –

“Just the usual breakfast of the day shift.” Ezri hedged her bets on her stomach; figuring pancakes would go down the easiest.

“Oh that’s Rom’s favourite now, you know he tried it after he got promoted, he actually gets Quark to still add some beetles in it.” Leeta laughed to herself at the memory. “Raktajino with it?”

Pancakes suddenly didn’t sound quite as appetizing but Ezri forced a smile and nodded.

If Jadzia had heard that would she have tried to add Gagh pancakes?

She was tempted to ask Worf but their relationship was still rocky and asking about her past life and his ex-wife like that felt like asking for another fight.

“You do not look well.” Worf noted as Leeta walked away. “You should visit Doctor Bashir.”

“I might.” Ezri said, mostly so Worf didn’t go all mother hen on her. He’d deny it but he really did look out for his friends. At least he counted her as one now.

Leeta came by with her drink and set it in front of Ezri who took a sip and bit down her sigh.

It wasn’t a raktajino day after all.

~~

Worf may not have known it but Ezri had avoided the infirmary for as much as she could.

The Shrine may have been where Jadzia got mortally wounded.

The infirmary was where she actually died.

Maybe this was why the symbiont commission frowned on hosts interacting with places they’d lived before in past lives. They hadn’t really given Ezri much help or ideas, just told her she’d have to sort through the memories herself. Try to find common ground with her past hosts.

Unfortunately she was feeling space sick again and needed some help.

“This is the second time this week.” Julian said, hovering over her with a hypospray.

“I thought I was getting better.” Ezri’s smile was weak and her stomach roiled. The pancakes were an awful idea.

“Well, I can give you a higher dose to help you over the next few days. You might want to look into meditation techniques to help deal with this.”

“Like standing on my head?” Ezri deadpanned, thinking of Emony’s hobby.

“Maybe not quite that,” Julian replied, bemused. “I’ll look up some holodeck programs to help with that. I recommend you check them out.” He had switched back to his doctor mode. “If you need someone to go with you to them let me know.” He offered.

“I’ll be fine.” Ezri assured him though it felt like a lie. “Has the Chief fixed the holosuite glitches yet?” She asked to change the subject. “You know Torias would have loved holodecks.” She mused, letting her thoughts run around again, “It sure would have helped him to be able to run simulations on shuttles instead of just reprogramming it and hoping it would work I mean, sure would have made him less likely to crash a shuttle.” She laughed a little at the idea, “Of course then he would have lived longer and I might not be Dax.”

She fell silent at the idea, her skin itching like it had when she’d first gotten the symbiont and felt an uncomfortable sensation of not belonging.

“We’re all glad you’re here.” Julian said after the silence went on too long, making it awkward and unbearable.

Ezri muttered something about needing to get to her first appointment and dashed out of the room, trying to leave the thoughts there along with it.

~~

Garak was as verbose and complicated as ever, winding his words with obfuscation to purposely mislay her.

It gave her a headache on top of feeling space sick but she listened as best as she could to what wasn’t being said.

They really needed another session on the holosuite so after he left her office with one cutting remark on the drabness of a Starfleet uniform Ezri went to hunt down Miles to see the progress on the holosuite repairs.

“It’s not ready.” Miles said gruffly without preamble when he saw her.

“Anything I can do to help?” Ezri asked, locking her hands behind her back.

I picked it up from Jadzia, she reminded herself unnecessarily, who picked it up from Lela.

Miles glanced at her from the corner of his eyes, no doubt trying to find a way to let her down without being needlessly mean spirited about it. He’d been surprisingly caring since the situation where he’d been stuck at her childhood home with her.

“It’s okay.” Ezri waved off whatever remark was coming, “I’m sure Nog can help you out after our session today.”

Miles grunted his agreement and turned back to the panel he had open.

Ezri floundered a bit, her natural inclination to ramble these days when things got too quiet weighed on her.

“You all right?” Miles broke the quiet and squinted up at her from where he was crouched.

“Just space sick.” Ezri said, latching onto that excuse though she was feeling better since visiting Julian.

“Problem with your quarters dampners?” Miles frowned at the thought and Ezri could see him already adding it to his mental list of things wrong with the station.

“Nope.” She replied quickly, seeing the relief on his face. “I don’t know what’s causing it. Could be all in my head.” Even as she said it she rested a hand on her stomach, right at the pouch where the symbiont was.

“Sounds like you need an appointment with our resident counselor.” Miles quirked his lips in amusement, glancing back at her.

“Oh I think I talk to myself enough.” Ezri tried to return the smile but she could tell it didn’t reach her eyes. “I should go, I need to meet Nog now. I’ll send him to you when I’m done.” She promised and fled before Miles could comment on any of her strange statements.

Or maybe they weren’t strange anymore. Maybe they were just who she was now.

That headache was coming back.

~~

Kira stopped at her office just as Nog was leaving, giving him a quick nod in greeting before stopping before Ezri’s desk. “Lunch?”

It wasn’t unusual for them to meet for lunch but typically Kira didn’t come to find her and Ezri eyed her suspiciously. “Have you been talking to Julian and Miles?”

“They might have said something.” Kira admitted sheepishly but kept meeting her eyes. “Still offering.”

Ezri smiled weakly in return. “Sounds great!” She said with an enthusiasm she didn’t really feel.

Forced socialization, Tobin’s least favourite thing, somewhere in the back of her head she could hear his sulk.

“Think the replicator can make nolaberries?” Ezri asked as she and Kira began the walk down to the promenade.

Kira shot her a confused look, “Nolaberries? I’m not even sure I’ve heard of them.”

“Tobin was allergic, I just had a craving.” Ezri shrugged, internally feeling a little vindictive. And then immediately guilty.

Other Joined Trill didn’t fight with their past lives so much, other Joined Trill handled this better, Ezri had just been there at the wrong place wrong time wrong person.

Kira raised an eyebrow at her in silence, questioning but allowing Ezri to decide what to say and Ezri felt more gracious to her than ever.

“You know me and my cravings.” It came out without her thinking, immediately trying to undo what she had just said. Always trying to undo what she’d done; stepping back in her past but never able to fully shake it off.

Now it lived under her skin, permanently etched in her brain, behind her eyes when she closed them and-

Kira’s hand dropped to her shoulder, squeezing it lightly and grounding Ezri back in the moment.

“How about I pick the meal today?” Kira asked and while there was nothing in her tone that brokered concern Ezri could see it in her eyes.

“Yes.” Ezri agreed quickly. “Please. Just-”

“Not gagh,” Kira cut her off with a laugh, her hand falling from Ezri’s shoulder and the concern that had haunted her a moment ago gone. “Believe me if I ever picked that you can just assume possession.”

Ezri snorted in her own amusement. “I think it’s safe to assume the same of me.”

Possessed by Jadzia or Curzon maybe.

She rubbed at her head, the pounding back with a vengeance she didn’t care for. When she caught Kira frowning from the corner of her eye she quickly dropped her hand and flashed a smile.

“You know it’s occurred to me I can’t ever remember you cooking.” Ezri said, struggling to move their conversation along.

“That’s because you don’t want me to.” Kira grumbled.

“Don’t let Benjamin hear that, he’ll give you lessons.”

“Oh he’s tried.” Kira replied and then was off on the disastrous time she’d had.

She let the words wash over her, lost in a story that wasn’t hers.

~~

Odo was frowning when Ezri walked past his office on the way to hers; though that was his default face so it was hard to tell which frown that meant.

“All good?” Ezri asked, slipping into Odo’s office.

Odo jumped slightly, a sign he must have been deeply in thought. “Ezri.” He greeted, his voice as gravely as ever. “Something I can do for you?”

“For me? No, no, I’m good. Well. Minus the space sickness, I just can’t shake it.” Ezri joked. “But I was asking about you.”

“Is this a doctor’s visit then?” Odo asked drily.

“A friend visit.” Ezri corrected and took the seat across from him. “Unless you want to book a counselling session instead…”

Odo let a hrrmph, “I’ll pass.” He paused. “But thank you.”

“Any time.” Ezri promised. “You know you sometimes remind me of Torias which is silly because you embodied Curzon that one time but like, he was proud, wouldn’t admit he needed help ever which uh.”

“Got him killed?” Odo looked unimpressed.

Ezri winced. “I don’t think you’re that bad.”

“I should hope not.” He must have decided to take pity on her because he continued. “It’s just about one of the ships docked here. I’m worried one of the passengers might be a changeling.” His frown deepened as he admitted it.

“Oh.” Ezri said, surprised he’d even tell her. She looked him over with a more critical eye, taking in the hunched shoulders and tightness around his mouth. For all Odo said he couldn’t get the shape of a human right he sure had mastered the emotions of it.

“Worried you’ll have to lock up someone of your own kind?” Ezri asked as kindly as she could.

“No.” Odo shot down. “If they’re here to cause trouble they deserve it.”

“And if they’re not?”

Odo was quiet. There was always a chance the station was just a waypoint for the changeling before they left for somewhere worse like Klingon or Federation space.

“What’s it like?” Odo asked, jolting her from her thoughts.

“What?”

“Never being alone?” Odo’s attempt at a smile fell weak.

“Honestly?” Ezri leaned back, her own smile faltering. “Crowded.”

And somehow damningly alone all at once.

“I think I’d like to know that experience again. The Great Link…it felt like that, knowing everyone at all times…” Odo’s voice trailed off in a longing.

“So long as you remember you’re still you in there. It’s easy to get lost, trust me.”

“I know.” Odo agreed, a haunted look in his own eyes. Then he straightened up. “I should get back to my investigation.”

She knew a dismissal when she heard it and stood up. “Let me know if you need help.”

“Of course.” Odo inclined his head.

She turned to leave.

“And Ezri?”

She looked back.

“I’m here as well. If you need to…talk.” The last word made him wince a little and Ezri tried not to laugh at how similar he looked like to Garak at that.

“Thanks Odo,” She said, infinitely grateful.

She walked away, her head quiet for the first time that day.

~~

The silence didn’t last long.

It wasn’t Jake’s fault of course, he’d burst into her office just as she was finishing her shift for the day and thrown himself dramatically onto the chair across from her.

“I’m having a writers block.” He declared, groaning and rubbing at his face.

“Sounds serious.” Ezri said, as deadpan as she could and trying not to laugh at Jake.

He scowled. “It is!”

“All right.” She held her hands up in surrender and set down the padd she was holding. “Let’s talk about it then. What are you stuck on?”

Jake leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. Ezri couldn’t help but be struck by the similarities to Benjamin at his age in that moment.

Brash, sure of himself, still needing guidance-

No he was a friend, an equal on the same ground, the greatest person ever met in eight lifetimes-

Nine. She thought. I’m the ninth lifetime.

Swallowing back the memories that threatened to pull her under she focused on Jake as he began to talk.

“It’s the plot. It needs more…” Jake grasped at the air with his hands. “Something.”

“Descriptive.” Ezri couldn’t help but tease. “I’ve always thought things need more something.”

Jake shot her an annoyed look. “I knew I should have gone to Nog.”

“He’d just get you drunk.”

“Exactly.” Jake’s head lolled back and he sighed like the world weighed on him and no one truly understood it; a young man but he hadn’t completely shaken off the teenage years.

In a way she was glad to see it given he’d been around for the occupation and certainly had his share of trauma over the past year.

It struck her then that despite having watched Jake grow up as Curzon and Jadzia that as Ezri she was only a year older than him.

“Hey,” Ezri said to get his attention, swallowing down her own wallowing. “Tell me about the world and characters. Maybe I was never a writer in a past life but I had my fair share of adventures.”

Jake launched into his latest idea, a novel involving a mystery on old earth; long before current investigative techniques.

Ezri tapped a finger on her desk, considering the plot. “I know when Joran was on the run he was caught because of his own ego. He believed he couldn’t be and believed he was so in the right it was his own destiny to outsmart everyone.”

She made a face, remembering her own taunting’s from Joran when she’d called him forth. “The thing about murders is no matter how smart they are or seem they’re still prone to the same mistakes everyone makes.”

Jake was tapping on his padd excitedly. “I knew you were the person to come to, thanks Ezri.” His eyes crinkled as he smiled.

Ezri repressed the shudder that threatened to run through her at living more in Joran’s memories.

“Any time. Now, let’s talk about motivations…”

~~

The station rocked around her, she couldn’t feel it because of the dampeners but she knew it in her head. All the ships attached to dock swayed with it, back and forth in space, going nowhere but constantly moving.

Leonard McCoy had once told Emony a story about a ship. The name escaped Ezri’s memory but she recalled that it was all philosophical. If the ship was changed out with all new wood was it even the old ship at all? Or if that old wood was used to build a ship was it then the original ship?

McCoy had called it all hogswash.

Ezri was beginning to feel like gaining a symbiont was a little bit like that. If the symbiont was removed somehow and she was Ezri Tigan again would some part of her always be in the Dax symbiont, living on for as long as it did, beyond just the memories?

Would she ever forget what had been given to her and be herself again?

“You’re looking a little green.” Quark commented as he wiped a glass across the bar from her. “Didn’t think Trills got that colour, thought that was more Vulcans.”

There was some undertone of concern Ezri could hear in his voice that made her smile.

“Just ship sick.”

“Don’t you mean space sick?”

Ezri shrugged and stared back down at her drink. Romulan ale.

Torias liked it. Ezri didn’t.

“Not to your taste?” Quark clicked his tongue and leaned over the bar. “I’m sure I’ve got something that you’ll like. It might cost a few latinum but I’ll give you a discount, just don’t tell the others.”

Ezri bit her lip so she didn’t laugh. “Somehow I think I’d still end up losing in that deal.”

Quark drew back, a hand to his chest, “Ezri I would never-”

“You still owe Jadzia ten slips of latinum from Tongo.”

“Forget that I owe my dear dear friends. Let me get you something else. On the house. Any requests?” Quark asked, merciful enough to ignore her slip in saying Jadzia’s name instead of herself.

Ezri sighed down at the glass in front of her and pushed it towards Quark.

“Surprise me.”

It wouldn’t matter anyway.

Everything had been tried before by someone else; a lingering taste of sweetness for something she never even knew.

~~

“I hear you’ve been moping around.” Benjamin’s voice rang clear above her and Ezri yelped at the sudden intrusion.

She nearly kicked him the face as she fell from where she’d been balanced against the wall, once again trying Emory’s way of fixing feeling how out of whack she was.

“Didn’t I teach you to knock?” Ezri grumbled at him, scowling at him from the floor.

“Actually you taught me how to break in.” Benjamin grinned at her. “Both Curzon and Jadzia did at least.”

She remembered that, a younger Benjamin following Curzon around and Curzon doing his best to corrupt him. Teaching to gamble and break in and-

“I did didn’t I?” Ezri agreed ruefully. “Or, well, not me me but-”

“Dax.” Benjamin cut off the ramble. “I know what you meant.” He crouched down and then with a groan sat on the floor next to her.

Ezri grinned at him, “Careful there, old man.”

Benjamin shot her a look, grumbling something under his breath.

“I’m just saying,” Ezri couldn’t help but continue. “Keep up like that and you’ll lose future chances to play baseball.”

“I’ll live vicariously through Jake then.” Benjamin said, like the thought didn’t bother him but Ezri could see the frown hidden in his brow.

“And everyone else on this station you’ve gotten in to it.”

Benjamin hummed, happier than a moment before.

“Curzon never played with me.” He said suddenly and Ezri eyed him, wondering where he was going with it. “He appreciated my love of it but never showed any interest. Jadzia did, she’d come to holosuite games with me and Jake and Kasidy.”

She remembered those, quizzing Kasidy on rules and then purposefully getting them wrong to bother Benjamin and Jake.

“And you I taught.” Benjamin nodded at her.

“It was fun.” Ezri laughed at the memory. It was easy then, lost in the moment. Easier to let the hosts run free in her head.

A little bit of Emory to catch a ball. A little bit of Torias to be competitive. A little bit of Lela to manage where everyone was on bases.

“I’ll have to arrange another game.”

“Just don’t make us stage a mutiny this time.” Ezri groaned. “You were worse than Neema. Those fights we got into were brutal, it felt like I was raising a teenager for decades.”

“Audrid’s daughter?”

Ezri startled, it had slipped out. She shut her eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Trouble with the old hosts?” Benjamin asked.

White light prickled behind her eyelids.

“Always.” Ezri sighed.

“You’ll get there, old man.” Benjamin told her with such surety she almost believed it.

“Right.” She nodded, trying to relieve Benjamin of any stress that he may have had over it. Any lingering guilt that lay with him in Jadzia’s death. “I’ve got this.”

She really didn’t.

~~

It wasn’t that the symbiont was ever supposed to be like that but there were days Ezri felt she was building her own tomb.

Writing everything that was her into something else and letting herself be erased by what was already there and when it was all over all that would be left of her would haunt someone else.

All the others hosts asked for this.

It was a privilege.

One so sought at that Verad-

He didn’t count, she reminded herself, he didn’t count.

Except he wasn’t that different from her.

He got the symbiont through unfair means even if they were by his own hands.

That was the difference, she shut her eyes in the already darkness of her room closing everything out. I never asked for this.

When she first arrived on Trill with the symbiont inside her it didn’t take Audrid’s memories to know how disappointed the Symbiont Committee was; how angry they were.

She wasn’t picked, she wasn’t chosen, it wasn’t her legacy to have.

She’d stumbled around those first few days, completely lost in the past and unseeing anything in front of her. She’d cried out for children that weren’t hers, begged for a sister she never had, sought solace in a mother not her own.

And then what emerged was supposed to be Ezri.

They’d declared her ready and shipped her out like they couldn’t bear to look at her, glad to have Starfleet to assign her somewhere far away.

Instead she’d returned to exactly where she was before.

Just three centimeters to the right.

She tossed to the other side of her bed, kicking the blankets down and sighed heavily. She tried to center her mind; sorting out what it was she was feeling.

Responsibility, Lela knew it all too well, it weighed on her; everything needed to be perfect-

No, anxiety, Tobin had it in spares, it drove him to his own madness, always needing a distraction like-

Adrenaline, Emony was always waiting for the next big thing, shifting on her toes, prepared and-

Pride, Audrid carried it around her like a second skin never seeing how it hurt others but-

It was curiosity, like Torias and a desire to know and go further, try the unthinkable, he just had to be-

Angry; angry at what the committee had done to Joran; to herself, they all deserved what they got and it was the unfairness of it all it that-

Flickered, never the same thing drawing Curzon’s attention twice; nothing worth keeping everything worth knowing anyway and-

It burned. Like a sorrow for a life cut too short or the joy found in laughing with a friend; different but somehow lighting up Jadzia all the same-

“Stop.” Ezri begged quietly even though she knew no one could hear her anyway.

Not out in the halls of the station. Not in the vastness of her mind.

Can’t you just ignore it, a voice that sounded like her mother scoffed; trying to bury all the things Ezri felt.

She shouldn’t have to. That was Norvo. Always having her back.

She has to do something. Janel. Her only sibling left now. Practical and unmoved.

Do I? Ezri asked the voice. Didn’t I do something on the Destiny and end up here?

Not that they hadn’t pushed it on her.

The Symbiont couldn’t die. It was too important.

Ezri was not.

Her hand pressed against the pouch where it lay and though it was probably her imagination she thought the symbiont pressed back.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “There was only me there.”

For once nothing answered her back and for the first time she wished it would; the thought curling around her as sleep finally claimed her.

~~

Live, Jadzia Dax. Live a long, fresh, and wonderful life.

[trx34ksh]

DS9 S3 E4 “equilibrium” is totally about being transgender and accepting yourself, all of yourself.

The whole thing of Jadzia not knowing why she’s having these hallucinations and angry outbursts bc of Joran Dax’s covered up memories is VERY much some kind of allegory for the trans experience. The higher power of the people that test trill to see their joining compatibility is like people in your environment dictating what you can or can’t do with your body or self. Sisko and Bashir taking care of Jadzia throughout this is like having your chosen loved ones around to support you in an overbearing world. But especially the scene at the end where Jadzia goes into the pool of symbiotes and sees Joran in the same outfit she has on, accepting his memories into her mind and holding him close, is much like finally accepting yourself for who you are. You’ve come to terms that this is a part of yourself you can’t hide or change or get rid of, even though it hurt you once. It’s you. It always has been you. 

[best-star-trek-character]

Official DS9 Character Bracket

And here’s the final bracket! Round One will go live tomorrow, 4/13 at 10 am EST!

Full List:

Round One:

Left Side:

Alexander Rozhenko vs. Keiko O’Brien: poll here

Mora Pol vs. Lwaxana Troi: poll here

Vedek Bareil vs. Captain Benjamin Sisko: poll here

Sirella vs. Molly O’Brien: poll here

Mirror! Garak vs. Gilora Rejal and Ulani Belor: poll here

Curzon Dax vs. Quark: poll here

Martok vs. Ishka: poll here

Brunt vs. Maihar’du: poll here

Kai Winn vs. Chief Miles O’Brien: poll here

Rom vs. Mila: poll here

Joseph Sisko vs. Joran Dax: poll here

The Klingon Chef vs. Mirror! Kira: poll here

Elim Garak vs. Jennifer Sisko: poll here

Goran’Agar vs. Weyoun: poll here

Enabran Tain vs. Shakaar: poll here

Sarah Sisko vs. Vic Fontaine: poll here

Right Side:

Leeta vs. Female Changeling: poll here

Solok vs. Dr. Julian Bashir: poll here

Natima Lang vs. Legate Damar: poll here

Grand Nagus Zek vs. Keevan: poll here

Sarina Douglas vs. Gul Dukat: poll here

Admiral William Ross vs. Lt. Commander Worf: poll here

Kasidy Yates vs. Pel: poll here

Nog vs. Morn: poll here

Michael Eddington vs. Tora Ziyal: poll here

Jack, Patrick and Lauren vs. Constable odo: poll here

Tekeny Ghemor vs. Lenara Kahn: poll here

Dr. Elizabeth Lense vs. Jake Sisko: poll here

Luther Sloan vs. Counselor Ezri Dax: poll here

Major Kira Nerys vs. Kor, Kang and Koloth: poll here

Mirror! Worf vs. Grilka: poll here

Baby Changeling vs. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax: poll here

Round Two:

Left Side:

Keiko O’Brien vs. Lwaxana Troi: poll here

Captain Benjamin Sisko vs. Molly O’Brien: poll here

Mirror! Garak vs. Quark: poll here

Martok vs. Brunt: poll here

Chief Miles O’Brien vs. Rom: poll here

Joseph Sisko vs. Mirror! Kira: poll here

Elim Garak vs. Weyoun: poll here

Enabran Tain vs. Vic Fontaine: poll here

Right Side:

Leeta vs. Dr. Julian Bashir: poll here

Legate Damar vs. Grand Nagus Zek: poll here

Gul Dukat vs. Lt. Commander Worf: poll here

Kasidy Yates vs. Nog: poll here

Tora Ziyal vs. Constable Odo: poll here

Lenara Kahn vs. Jake Sisko: poll here

Ezri Dax vs. Kira Nerys: poll here

Grilka vs. Jadzia Dax: poll here

Round Three:

Left Side:

Lwaxana Troi vs. Captain Benjamin Sisko: poll here

Quark vs. Martok: poll here

Chief Miles O’Brien vs. Mirror! Kira: poll here

Elim Garak vs. Vic Fontaine: poll here

Right Side:

Dr. Julian Bashir vs. Legate Damar: poll here

Lt. Commander Worf vs. Nog: poll here

Constable Odo vs. Jake Sisko: poll here

Kira Nerys vs. Jadzia Dax: poll here

Quarter-Finals:

Left Side:

Captain Benjamin Sisko vs. Quark: poll here

Chief Miles O’Brien vs. Elim Garak: poll here

Right Side:

Dr. Julian Bashir vs. Lt. Cmdr. Worf: poll here

Constable Odo vs. Jadzia Dax: poll here

Semi-Finals:

Captain Benjamin Sisko vs. Elim Garak: poll here

Dr. Julian Bashir vs. Jadzia Dax: poll here

Finals:

Captain Benjamin Sisko vs. Jadzia Dax: poll here

[leohtttbriar]

"if I hadn't realized what he had done"-- there are two very separate people in this sentence. the verb tenses are insane, too, because, like, kira is dead. but here jadzia is trying to blame yedrin for the second death-yet-to-come. making this the first time that jadzia has not claimed the shared-person of the symbiont as some form of self. maybe it's because yedrin is a future Self? but it doesn't ring true to how jadzia has acted about her various Persons before. in an almost mirror to the fake-doubling/separation that yedrin has "proposed" as a way for the crew to leave the planet while also staying, jadzia is not claiming yedrin's actions, even if he is technically jadzia (and curzon and joran and...) as well as himself. his decision to lie to them belongs, in some part, to her--it has to, since joined trill have never been shown to be able to truly distinguish their complex actions and decisions from one person to the other.

which means that jadzia is in this scene not just realizing she's responsible for kira's death (i mean, she's not) from the first time through the barrier but also responsible for kira's death again for this maneuver from yedrin (which, like, yes. she is within yedrin the whole episode. there are in fact two jadzias present).

with all time-traveling stories, there's a circular nature, since it's not like any of us are capable of imagining going faster than the speed of causality and escaping the single-direction-move along the temporal dimension of all 3D beings; which inevitably turns our time-travelling-stories into closed-circuit-deterministic-circular narratives or makes us lose our minds about butterfly theory. which is probably why the character who seems most comfortable with this whole situation is kira who's used to considering a future-already-written as just a law of reality. she references the prophets to odo and the others several times and you can't really argue that much with her because so far everything her gods have spoken has come true.

but jadzia i think is running up against determinism here not just from the situation itself (her future being told to her by her ancestors and the future dax host--her obvious discomfort with the idea of marrying worf according to their relationship in the present moment with the sort of flip side that is miles's discomfort with marrying someone who is not his wife in the present moment). in addition, i think she's struggling with the determinism associated with being joined. there's a weight to the fact that her person is not wholly controlled by her but cannot be separated from her. would jadzia choose to let kira die? no, not at first. but then she does because that's what kira wants--and everyone else sort of agrees. would jadzia lie in this way yedrin does to get her way? would jadzia "save" the lives of 8000 at the sacrifice of one? would jadzia betray her own self? would jadzia take a very difficult decision out of the hands of a past life, another self? she can't answer that question now, but also she can--because a future self does all of that, a future self that cannot be separated from her.

before this episode, obligations to the past-lives of the symbiont seemed to come easy to jadzia. well, not easy, but she doesn't spend a lot of time struggling with accepting them and carrying their burdens. here, she realizes she will be a burden for yedrin. so, on top of everything she thinks she's to blame for, she also now has to confront yedrin's existence, who carries kira's death as jadzia would. all of this seems exactly the kind of thing that jadzia, who will happily deal with the consequences of her past lives' crimes or the personal heartbreak of her own decisions, is not prepared for. she has not yet been in a situation where someone else has to carry her.

[startrekvsfaceapp]

[isthereintruthnobeauty1968]

spent probably too long poking around the ds9 search on bluesky (made an account yesterday smiles) and seeing people talk about how the first season being 'bad' is exaggerated (agreed it's just kind of awkward) made me think that i could probably count the ds9 episodes i think are BAD (not underwhelming/meh/more frustrating than compelling) on one hand. attempt at that list is:

-the one in s2 with sisko and the telepath woman... second sight i think. this is admittedly more in the 'underwhelming' category but it was slow and awkwardly directed enough that i remember having trouble finishing it 😕

-meridian on account of working against jadzia's established character and being sexist and BORING

-profit and lace for obvious reasons of being hatefully transphobic and sexist

-his way because it's an awkward and abrupt introduction of vic and the way it frames the situation and ignores kira's pov is, AGAIN !, sexist

-the 'ezri and joran catch a murderer!!!!1!' one because the combination of logical leaps wrt the expectations for responsibility of the station THERAPIST with the worst hannibal lecter-esque exaggeration of a character initially introduced as having killed people out of panic and anger stretched MY suspension of disbelief past capacity. and the sweet moment with worf didn't make up for it

[dragontamerno3]

DS9 S3 E25 - Facets

Another good one and one that was a lot of fun to watch, too.

The whole time I kept thinking how the IRL cast must of had some fun playing different people for a minute. Their mannerisms, their speech, all of it was so different for who they normally are and it was interesting from a character standpoint, fun from a break in character place, and intriguing to see the small ways each previous life changed Jadzia.

Obviously seeing Quark femme it up for a while was a silly twist but I think I really enjoyed seeing Miles as Tobin and Kira as Lela the most. With Lela it honestly felt like she was a sweet but powerful old grandma that would give the best hugs before she stormed some political stage. With Tobin, he was a shy, anxious man that I just wanted to hug and tell him that he was going to be okay.

Sisko as Joran was one I was looking forward to and it was pretty much everything I expected. I'm glad she put her Klingon fighting skills to use, in a way proving him wrong about how 'weak' she is.

I liked Curzon the least. I'm not sure if that was the intended read on him but I know I wouldn't be able to spend two minutes alone in a room with him. Him as Odo was probably doubly bad cause I'm still not Odo's biggest fan. But then they went and made it weird with the whole love storyline. If they had made it love like granddaughter or something I would have accepted it but this was too icky for me.

That aside, I did get a little teary eyed when he saw Sisko for the first time. The way Sisko's face lit up at the idea of talking to his best friend again? Such a good moment. And then there was the Quark kiss, that was fun too.

I am happy that Jadzia got some closure there and that Odo and her now how a deeper understanding of each other because of their bonding. Odo is probably my least favorite person on the show but I think he deserves someone who actually understands him to an extent.

But the B plot!!!

Nog passed his test! He's going to Starfleet Academy!

And Rom buying a cadets uniform from Garak?! Best dad ever!

My very favorite moment, though, was Rom cornering Quark in a hallway and threatening to burn the bar down in Quark ruined it for Nog again. The fact that he admitted that he loves his son more than latinum had me literally punching the sky in cheers. Best moment and best dad.

7/10 - I want to give this an 8 but honestly the whole Curzon thing really icked me out, like a lot.

[cyberspacenine]

"You treat death like a lover... I think living is a lot more attractive"

(Quote from Jadzia in Season 2, Episode 19: Blood Oath)

"Blood Oath" is one of my all-time favorite Jadzia episodes and an early seasons DS9 favorite overall, but I keep thinking about how they could have done so much more with it.

It's an episode that should be more significant for Jadzia's character, especially because we find out about Joran in the following season. Was he created after "Blood Oath" was written?

When Kira and Jadzia talk about what it's like to take someone's life, or when she hesitates and lets Kang deal the final blow at the end, I feel like those could have been wonderful moments to foreshadow Joran somehow. To have her grapple with feelings that she does not know the source of, because she doesn't know that Joran exists yet! It would add to the tense atmosphere of the ending. Kang and Koloth, dead. Kira and Benjamin averting their eyes from her.

What I also find very interesting in this episode is how Jadzia works as a contrast to Kor, Kang and Koloth on this mission, and their readiness to die.

While she is very passionate when she has to convince everyone to let her go, when it comes to the actual revenge, you see her tactician skills at work, and she is able to put any complicated feelings she may have aside, right up until she is holding a blade up to the Albino's neck. Doing that is a necessity, but it also must be kind of scary, to realize you're capable of that.

I understand that they wouldn't have enough time left in the episode to address Jadzia's feelings after the mission, but it could've been something to include in an episode later on, or have her talk to Kira or Benjamin again about what happened as a retrospective.

There's probably so much to be said, but I don't want to make this post too long + there are most likely people who'd word that better than me lmao