#Joel miler x y/n

[soulofapatrick]

Home Is Where The Heart Is - Joel Miller x Reader

Summary: After a brutal fight against raiders with Ellie you feel like your bond with her and everyone in town is broken but Joel is there to show you otherwise

Words: 3k

Warnings; blood; injury

Notes: Platonic Ellie x reader too. I need more of this Joel; long salt and pepper hair and scruff cuz fuuuuckkk me man he looks fine af 

Y/N’s POV

People stop and stare as we make our way back into town, Ellie’s sat upon Indiana with the two kids, trotting behind us. One is cradled in her arms being only four and the other is behind her with his arms wrapped around her waist. She’s wild eyed and clinging to the four year old like a lifeline while I have the mother stumbling beside me, arm over my shoulder as I take most of her weight and Indiana’s reins are wrapped around my left arm so Ellie can keep the kids safe. We’re covered in blood, me the most as I may have gone on a killing rampage after finding the kids locked up in those cages. 

Tommy and Maria are rushing towards us, the gates slamming shut behind Indiana and causing the kids to cry out in fear, my heart breaking even more. Others are joining us, Jesse escorting the mother towards the makeshift hospital Jackson has with a promise her kids will be safe and reunited with her shortly but she needed medical care first. The reins are being taken from me and I’m stepping towards Ellie who is standing by Tommy, the kid still cradled in her arms, and she takes a step back. My world comes crashing down right then and there, the look of fear in her clover eyes when she sees me moving towards her, it draws a lump in my throat and I’m digging my nails into my palms to keep myself calm. Dina’s putting a hand on my arm, being one of the only people to know about my past and why I was so triggered by the raiders keeping this family hostage. 

I’m throwing a glance back at Ellie when Dina begins leading me away, watching how Tommy and Maria are tending to her and the kids until they disappear around a corner. Dina’s firm hand in mine being the only thing grounding me from breaking down right then and there in the snow as I don’t know if I want to cry or scream or both. I’m angry and I’m hurt and I’m not good with emotions so all I can do is focus on her tight grip on my hand as she leads me home. 

“N-no, Dina we can’t… Ellie-“ My voice cracks at Ellie’s name. She won’t want me being in the same house as her anymore. The look in her eyes said it all back there and I know… she won’t ever look at me the same way again let alone look at me.

“We need to wash the blood away and I’m sure Joel will want to know.” She steels me with a stern look as I pull against her hand, digging in my heels but somehow she’s overpowering me and pulling me up the porch steps. She doesn’t hesitate to dive a hand into my pockets and pull out my keys so she can let us in. Joel’s jumping up when he sees me covered in still drying blood, mouth open in protest but silenced by Dina holding a hand up to him before she turns back to me, “Shoes off and go run yourself a shower. Now.” 

I don’t argue, toeing off my boots and heading for the stairs, keeping my eyes down and shaking off Joel’s hand that reaches out to touch my shoulder lightly. The soft sound of emotional hurt he makes is another stab in my gut but this time they’ve twisted the knife and the floodgates of blood and tears all at once. I’m trying to hold in the sob as I sprint up the stairs, hearing the quiet mumbles of Joel and Dina and wanting to drown them out. My heart is pounding in my ears and I’m struggling to breathe, stumbling into the bathroom door before slipping to my knees inside. I’m having a panic attack and I try so hard to remember the tricks Tommy taught me, pressing the flat of my palms to the freezing porcelain, focusing on the contrast of temperature against my burning skin. Hands touch my shoulders and I’m spinning around, pinning them down until I realise it’s Dina. She doesn’t flinch and there’s no fear or hatred in her gaze and I’m falling, my cheek pressing to the cold floor as she watches. She leans over and brushes a strand of my blood-matted hair off my forehead and I’m squeezing my eyes shut to try and stop crying but it doesn’t work. 

Dina’s pulling herself to her feet and I wait to hear the bathroom door open and close but instead the sound of the shower being turned on reaches my ears and the heavy pounding of the water against the bottom of the bath seems to blur out any possibility of thoughts. The comforting sound of the water mixed with the cool tiles calms my heart rate enough to drag myself into a sitting position, eyes sliding open to see Dina watching me from where she’s sat atop the counter, waiting me patiently to come around. Her smile is soft, her curls more prominent in the steam the hot shower is producing and I want to cry again but I can’t. It’s not the time. 

“Ellie’s scared of me.” I croak, voice sounding wrecked and Dina’s gaze soften as she gently shakes her head, watching me pull myself to my feet, legs shaking from exhaustion. My hands tremble as I struggle with the buttons on my shirt until familiar hands are slapping mine away and deft fingers make quick work of it, helping me slide it off and it goes straight in the bin. I manage to kick my jeans off and Dina turns away so I slip out of my underwear and into the welcoming warmth of the shower. It draws a sound from my lips as my muscles begin to ache and the open wounds that adorn my skin let themselves knows. All I can focus my attention on is the way the water runs red, not stopping or fading back to clear until Dina’s sighing and she surprises me by stepping into the shower with me but fully dressed. 

I should be yelling at her, asking what the fuck she’s doing but I can’t muster the energy to. Jesse; Dina and I have a pretty chill friendship and we’ve had to look after each other after particularly tough patrols or raiders getting into Jackson. Jesse had to help Dina snap out of her shock one time after her first kill of a raider and the three of us just sat in the bathroom, Jesse cleaning the blood and mud from Dina while I had my back to the door. It was the first time I had truly felt comfortable around people and I trusted them with my life, loving to see how happy Jesse and Dian were together. I hope Jesse doesn’t kill me for this, I’m the one who’s naked not Dina but it still feels strangely intimate. Dina’s definitely pretty but I’m not one to swing that way, especially with the weird bond thing Joel and I have. 

“Joel?” I ask as Dina massages the shampoo into my scalp the water running even redder than before and my eyes are slamming shut because Ellie’s right. I am a monster. 

“He’s gone to talk to Tommy,” She coos soothingly before speaking up again, a smirk in her voice as she washes the shampoo out and moves onto the conditioner, “What was he doing waiting in your house anyway, with a key by the looks of it.” 

“I…” I have to actually pause as I’m not sure why Joel was waiting for me here. I usually come back from patrol, shower then head down the road to his for dinner, “I don’t know.” 

“Well, he was so worried, thought you were hurt,” She grinning, I can feel it without turning around, shivering when she rinses the conditioner out and runs her fingers through my hair to tease out any more knots clinging together. It hurts but I don’t even wince as I deserve it after what I did today, “Joel was ready to shove me aside and come up but I didn’t think you’d want him seeing you so vulnerable just yet.” 

The shower is turned off and Dina’s stepping out, leaving the room dripping wet head to toe before a towel is flung through a crack into door and I hear her race to the spare room as both her and Jesse keep spare clothes in mine. The privacy giving me time to dry myself and pad to my room, shutting the door behind me with a soft click as Dina’s footsteps can be heard on the steps before the familiar sound of the kettle boiling is following. 

“I’m staring at myself in the cracked mirror an ache in my chest as the person I once knew is not the person staring back at me. Instead, it’s someone with bags under her eyes and a heavy weight of the past crushing them, leaving their mouth constantly turned downwards, eyes dull and eyebrows always in a scowl, no brightness or warmth to any part of them. Staring back is a shell of the person you once used to be, learning to slowly adapt and love again within the safe confines of Jackson. The walls may keep me safe but seeing others, like the mother and sons in pain and danger, makes me feel selfish for trying to be happy and build a life when they’re getting tortured and killed everyday. The scar across my cheek reminds me that I was once the person chained up and tortured for information I didn’t have and I was the one being saved by Tommy like I did that family. Maybe… Just maybe there is a possibility I deserve love and-

The opening and closing of the front door has me shaking my head, grabbing the first clothes I find in my drawers and haphazardly pulling them on: it’s a pair of grey baggy sweatpants and a somewhat matching sweatshirt in a deep blue colour. I’m drawing my damp hair up into a ponytail and before I can even open the door to head downstairs and find out why Dina left my bedroom door is being pushed open. Crowding the doorway is an almost shy looking Joel, salt and pepper hair shining in the sunset pouring through my window, beard finally having joined his hair in colour over the last year, tanned skin warm and glowing and a light pink dusting his cheeks. He’s still got his brown winter jacket on and that worn baby blue scarf tucked into it and if I weren’t so worried about Ellie hating me and the family I brought in I’d be on my knees for him already. I haven’t got much resolve after today and the things this man and his large hands do to me is almost embarrassing. He’s holding a steaming mug of what smells like coffee and the mug looks tiny wrapped in his hand.

“I-I thought you might like some company?” Joel’s stuttering and blushing and I’m just nodding, moving to my bed and he follows, setting the cup on my bedside table. He’s moving back to close the bedroom door, shrugging off that jacket and scarf to put them across my desk chair before finally sitting on the edge of my bed. I don’t think twice about pulling him down so he’s laying on his back and slotting myself under his left arm, laying my head on his chest over his heart so I can feel it beating comfortingly against my ear, “I’ve got you.” He coos, fingers gently pulling the hair tie from my hair so he can card his fingers through it and my eyes are fluttering shut when his blunt nails massage my scalp. 

“Ellie hates me now, doesn’t she?” My voice shakes and I keep my eyes closed, not wanting to see his expression as he continues to soothe my hair and scalp. 

“She doesn’t hate you, she just needs some time to process. She’s never seen you…” He trails off, chest rumbling when I push a hand under his shirt, feeling his soft stomach rise and fall with every breath. He may not have a six pack but he is in no way unfit, his pecs well defined and if you run your hands over his chest you can feel the beginnings of six packs but he’s perfect the way he is: equal parts buff and soft. 

I’m gasping softly when the rough pads of his fingers ghost over my cheek, drawing me up to meet his gaze, honey eyes soft and warm as they search my face. Gentle fingers traces the scar down my cheek, nothing on his face but warmth and… love? It’s almost overwhelming and I’m letting my eyes slide shut, leaving into his warm palm that is now gripping my jaw, parting my lips when his thumb brushes over my bottom lip. His name tumbles from my lips in a broken whine and it’s as if the world is answering my prayers when plump lips meet mine in a soft kiss. My hands find the thick scruff of his beard, dragging my nails lightly through it and eliciting an addictive sound that I swallow. Moving my hands to tangle in his hair and pull lightly, deepening the kiss and opening my mouth for his searching tongue. Joel surrounds me in every way, his scent intoxicating, lips tasting of coffee as if he’d stolen a sip or two on his way up the stairs and his kisses leaving me dizzy with wanting more. 

He’s pulling back too soon, stopping my lips from chasing his like I want to and honey eyes darker as he whispers out, “Y/N stop, I…” He takes a deep breath, hand cupping my cheek and thumb rubbing my cheekbone, “I want this, you don’t know how crazy I am for you but you’ve just been through something big… I want to know your feelings back are real and not just… not just adrenaline.” 

“Stay the night?” I rush out, chest heaving with nerves and his eyes search my face again before he’s nodding and rearranging us so he’s spooning me. His left arm is under my neck, tucking it under my pillows so I can use both as a pillow and his right is resting on my hip but it’s not enough. I’m intertwining our fingers, pulling them to my lips to kiss his knuckles before letting our interlocked hands settle over my heart, a small smile on my lips when he presses a kiss to my neck and begins to whisper soothingly until my eyes are growing heavy. 

*

Rolling onto my back, stretching, I’m greeted by Joel watching me with a soft look in his eyes, propped up on his elbow and fingers moving to brush my hair out of my face as he speaks quietly, as if trying to not ruin the moment, “Hey there baby girl.” 

“Hey Joel,” I whisper back, raising myself to lean on my elbows, our lips a hair’s breadth away and his breath fanning over my face as I say the three words he wants to hear, “I meant it.” His lips are meeting mine in a gentle kiss, beard scraping against my chin and cheek but I would gladly suffer all the beard burn in the world to have him kissing me the way he is. He’s laying me back down and slotting himself over me, our bodies fitting together like a prefect jigsaw puzzle and the strangely comforting mix of burnt coffee, a woodsy musk I know is his cologne and something citrusy sweet has me reeling. I’m tugging at Joel’s bedhead, loving the longer look he has adopted over the last few months and my breath is being stolen with every push and pull of those tantalising lips. 

“Y/N!” The door flies open and Joel’s rolling to sit next to me as we jump apart, Ellie standing in the doorway. Her mouth is hung open as her clover eyes flit between me and Joel, my heart pounding so loud I think they both can hear it as Joel’s placing a calming hand over mine. Ellie’s face twists and soon enough she’s beaming as she yells, “FUCK YEAH I GET TO CALL Y/N MUM!”

Mum?

“You don’t hate me?” I ask quietly as she sits on the bottom of the bed, legs crossed and facing us. Guilt fills those bright eyes but she’s shaking her head and I’m yanking her into a hug that I really need. She laughs sweetly, throwing her arms around my shoulders and burying her face in the crook of my neck. 

“I could never hate you Mom. You mean too much to me, you were protecting us,” She pulls back, hand holding one of mine, “I was pretty badass the way you shot down every single one.” 

“I love you.” I whisper, glancing between her and Joel and they both smile. Before I can ask they’re both tackling me into a hug and I just relinquish any fight I was going to put up as this is what I want. Ellie’s curled up in my arms between me and Joel as he looks at me with one emotion I never thought I’d get from him: Love. 

It fills my chest with pride and I’m reaching out for Joel over Ellie’s now passed out form and he’s meeting me halfway, interlocking our fingers and pressing a kiss to my forehead over Ellie. This is really happening. I have to blink a few time in shock as yeah, Ellie is asleep between me and Joel and there’s a new found sense of place and belonging filling every corner of this house. Maybe things will be okay. They work out in the end. 

Always. 

-------------

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[sinsofsummers]

undone

2.2k | dbf!joel miller x f!reader

summary: joel miller worships the day you showed up braless to his fourth of july party. warnings: smut (of course), 18+, mdni. no outbreak au, fourth of july party (forgive him he's from texas), joel's pov, he's a dumb bitch, masturbation (m), pervy!joel but not really, age gap (reader is in her 20s, joel in his early 40s), slight religious slander (not extreme by any means!). note: this is just me dipping my toes into the dbf!joel universe, lemme know what you think! zero editing basically, i'm so sorry, there will probably be more drabbles for this. also this is consolation for the dumb shit holiday that is independence day in the us. i hate it here.

He's anything but religious; he hasn't gone to church since he was a kid. And yet...Joel Miller worships the day you went braless to his Fourth of July party.

Even now, laid in his bed with his arm thrown carelessly across his face and his fist curled tightly around his cock, he's not sure he'll ever recover.

Muffled grunts fall from his lips with every strained tug, and he's sure it sounds something like prayer. Considering the fact that you're as close to heaven as he'll ever get, he'll call it a fair assessment. If it's sacrilege to jerk off to the thought of his best friend's daughter every night...so be it.

He's never been one with any type of remarkable memory, but he knows that the image of your perfect chest peeking at him through the thin thank you'd worn that day would stick with him forever.

You'd blinked up at him with a grin, a bowl of fresh fruit salad prepared to share with the rest of the guests in your hands. A strand of hair had fallen into your eyes and he'd had to fight against every urge and keep his hand down at his side.

What he really wanted to do was brush your hair from your eyes (ever the gentleman), and then replace the spot where his fingers would touch your forehead with his lips. He'd always wondered what your hair might smell like, what shampoo you used in the morning, and how your skin looked when the suds ran down your body, rinsed down the drain.

What he wouldn't give to be the suds running down your radiant skin, to touch every curve and crevice of your body, the spots that never see the light of day.

He hadn't seen you since you'd gone to college. Well, not for more than a few days over your Christmas break each year, and even then...he'd made sure to steer clear of you. Tried to ignore the way your smile made his own stutter, how your arms were always so soft around his neck when you gave him the occasional hug.

How your eyes had begun to linger, just enough to make his jaw clench and his cock twitch.

A strangled sigh fights its way out of his chest as he remembers the events of that fateful party, and just how he's ended up here, cock in hand, your scent in his head, and your name on his tongue.

—

"Jesus Christ," he murmured when you and your dad showed up with your dishes to pass. The backyard had been strewn with red, white, and blue decorations, the perfect image of a typical Texan backyard celebration for Independence Day.

He'd been unable to hide his groan at the way the bright colors practically bled into his skull, but there was no other way to have a Fourth of July party, apparently. Of course, this was really just for tradition, and...well, his younger brother Tommy would have had his head if there weren't at least a few American flag streamers.

Your little white tank had already begun to cling to your skin in the Texas heat, the straps thin. Before he knew it, he was hoping that the sun would do him a favor and kiss your skin where he wished he could. That it might form those pretty little lines along your shoulders and give a warm glow to your face, evidence of your presence at his house, at his party, drinking his beer.

"Drunk already?" your dad's voice roused him from his momentary lapse in judgment and then Joel was getting tugged into a firm handshake and a clapped hand on his shoulder.

He tore his eyes from you and hoped that the pink in his cheeks (that was definitely there) could be mistaken for a quickly setting sunburn. He didn't want to think of what you might take his blush for if you noticed.

He chuckled, shaking his head and returning the handshake. “Hell no,” he answered hastily, “just gettin’ hungry for that fruit salad, man.” And the angel holding it. “Need a hand?” he asked you, forcing his eyes not to wander from yours.

Fuck. Your eyes were extra bright today, with the sun seemingly lighting them from the insides. And those cheeks? Already pink and sunkissed, just how he’d hoped they would be. He might have offered you some sunblock if he’d thought it was appropriate. Might have offered to help you spread it onto your smooth skin if he’d thought that was appropriate.

Of course, he’d be condemned to the darkest circle of hell if he let those thoughts run wild. So he trained his eyes on yours and waited for your response.

You shook your head and tucked your hair behind your ear. You squinted into the sun, an action that forced one eye closed, as if you were winking at him. “I’ve got it,” you said casually, “can I put it inside for now?” You adjusted your hold on the fruit salad, making your breasts shift under your shirt.

Joel nodded—fuck’s sake, he thought with the movement of your chest—and tilted his head toward the back door that led to the kitchen. “Go for it, Sarah’s already in there.”

Your dad had been called away by Tommy, so Joel was left in your quiet company. He watched your smile widen at the mention of his daughter’s name and felt his heart twinge. You were just a few years older than his daughter, and here he was, not only willing his cock to settle down at the sight of your nipples pressing against the cloth of your shirt, but also wishing that your smile widened at the mention of his name. 

Joel wasn’t quite sure what happened in the subsequent minute or how he moved so quickly. Before he knew it, you’d stepped closer to him and he’d stepped to the side, except he was really just getting in your way, and your eyes were widening in surprise, and then the bowl of fruit salad was shuffling in your grip and he was stumbling to get back out of your way and then—

“Shit,” you mumbled a curse. The juice from the contents of the bowl—mostly watermelon juice, it looked like—had splashed up onto your shirt, seeping through the white fabric and painting your chest a pale pink. You looked up, a careless smile replacing the distracted look on your face. “Don’t worry about it, Mr. M, really. I was gonna have to wash this shirt tonight anyway.”

“I—uh, I didn’t mean to,” was all he could come up with, and he could feel his face heating once more at the look on your face. “Shirt’s ruined. I’m sorry darlin’,” he mumbled—was the temperature increasing by the second?—and pretended not to notice the way your shirt clung even tighter to your chest. It was like a damn wet t-shirt contest, the way the darker shade of your nipples began to peek through the soiled fabric at him. He blinked and looked away, trying to ignore the way your smile had turned into a smirk. Have you caught him? 

You shrugged and passed the bowl to him. “No, it’s not,” you reassured him with a breathless chuckle. “I’m sure Sarah’s got a shirt or two I can wear.”

He’d been left standing with the bowl of your fruit salad as you’d trekked into the house, presumably to do as you’d said. When you came out just a few minutes later, he’d been talking to your dad and a few of the other neighbors that had come over. He’d almost completely forgotten about the incident, until you were there again, standing in front of him. 

In his shirt.

“Uh,” he said dumbly, not sure whether you knew whose shirt you were wearing, or if you’d gone into the wrong laundry pile.

You picked at the hem of the shirt, and he traced the lines of your long fingers with his eyes, practically seeing your sweet scent sink into the fabric. He hoped you could smell his cologne lingering on the collar as it licked against the soft skin of your neck. “Sarah found this in her closet,” you explained, “she said it was one of her sleep shirts.” You flitted your gaze to him, and he caught a glimmer of amusement in the depths of your eyes. “Smells kind of…”

Like me. He shivered despite the heat and tapped his finger on his hip to calm himself down. It smells like me, and now you’re gonna smell like me, angel.

“Like men’s cologne,” you finished with a smirk dancing on your lips. “You sure Sarah’s not bringing home any guys you don’t know about, Mr. Miller?”

He cocked an eyebrow and bit back a cutting remark. “‘Course not,” he said smoothly, “they’d never get past the front door.”

It was all he could do not to tug you onto his lap with his shirt hanging past your hips, giving the illusion that you weren’t wearing any shorts beneath it. Fuck, he had to get away from your father before he did anything he regretted. “Need another drink, anyone?” he offered, shifting his weight away from you in a failed attempt to get the thoughts out of his mind.

The others shook their heads, but you nodded. “I’ll get another, actually,” you said simply. And then he was stuck with you, his fingers itching to lift that shirt from your body and reveal that warm skin to his desperate mind.

The kitchen was empty—a small blessing—and Joel fished through the fridge for another beer. Handing one to you, he cherished the way your fingers brushed his as you pulled it from his grasp, the droplets of condensation running down the bottle like he knew the sweat was running down his back at the thoughts that swam through his mind.

“S’my shirt, you know,” he grumbled softly, not quite sure why he’d said it. Maybe it was to gauge what your reaction would be. Maybe he already hoped that you’d smile at the thought.

You looked down at the shirt, cheeks reddening. “It is?” you said quietly, the surprise unraveling in your voice. “I’m sorry, I can get another one—”

He waved a dismissive hand. “Nah, s’okay. Looks better on you than it does on me, anyway.”

“Oh.” Just one word, but he noticed the way your legs wobbled at the same time. The way the bottle slipped just a centimeter in your hand.

Gotcha, he smirked inwardly. 

—

Days have gone by, and he still thinks about that blush in your cheeks every night. He can’t help it when you just look so angelic in the shirt of a sinner like him. 

Joel’s hand squeezes his cock for all its worth as he strokes himself languidly, faint mumbles beginning to fall from his lips like the verses of a damn hymn. “So fuckin’ pretty,” he groans in the darkness of his room, feeling the pressure build in his body. With every muscle in his chest tensing, he lets a broken sigh escape his throat as he spills his hot seed into his hand, the picture of your face embedded in his mind’s eye. Laying there for a moment, he catches his breath as oxygen raggedly pushes itself in and out of his lungs.

And then he hears it. A knock. The front door, it sounds like.

He hastily cleans himself up, but the faint feeling of stickiness remains on his hand as he traipses down the stairs in the dark, wondering just who the hell would be knocking on his door so late at night. 

When he opens the door, he’s not exactly expecting to see the face he’d just come on his hand to. 

“Hey,” he chokes out, hiding his hand behind his back as if you might be able to see the evidence of sacrilege on his skin. He’s afraid you’ll be able to decipher the sweat on his forehead for the sinful act that it had come from just moments ago. “What’s up?”

“Oh!” you sound surprised at his answering the door, a fact that makes him smirk. “I’m just…I’m just here to return Sarah’s shirt,” you explain hastily. 

There it is, hanging from your loose grip, waiting for him to take it. “You mean mine,” he corrects gently, his grin widening as he feeds his hand up the frame of the door, hovering over you close enough that he can see your pupils widen and pulse at the proximity of his chest to yours.

Your mouth hangs open, just enough that he thinks about pushing his thumb in between your lips, up to the first knuckle. His mind goes wild at the thought of how warm and soft and wet your mouth would be around his fingers. How perfect it would be around even more.

He shoves the thoughts away as you nod. “Yeah,” you say with a breathless chuckle. “Yours, I mean. I don’t need it anymore, though. So…” your eyes drop to the shirt between you, your words trailing off.

Joel shakes his head. “Don’t need it back,” he says warmly. “Not yet, anyway. Keep it.”

You blink. “What?”

He shrugs, the thought of you wearing it more than once lighting his mind on fire. “Keep it for now. I’ll come to collect it some other time. No reason to return it in the dead of night, doll.”

Fuck. The nickname had slipped. 

But based on the way your lips curl at the corners, he’s dodged a bullet. “Okay,” you say softly, and he swears he can see the moon reflected in your eyes. “Just for a little longer, then.”

He nods and says goodnight, closing the door only when he can see that you’ve made it back to your house next door safely. The door shuts with a soft click, and he grins to himself. 

To hell with the shirt. Doesn’t matter to him. He’ll get it back eventually. And when he does, he plans to have it smell like you.

this ending was so rushed ahhhh i have to go to work!!! bye!!!! ty for reading and all the love!!!!

tagging here cause i have to goooo to workkkkk!!!

@mingiast @iluvurfather @cavillscurls @cupofjoel @thetriumphantpanda @morning-star-joy @sofiparallel @elegantduckturtle @evyiione @bitchwitch1981 @disassociation-daydreams @mrsquill @littlemisssluttyknee @papipascalispunk @mumma-moonchild @marchai @mlodanatka @xdaddysprincessxx @bongsrconfusing @tlouadditc @dinsdjrn @alejaa-a @daysilva2 @worhols @jellybeanxc @struig @cherryreddarbiter

[jobean12-blog]

Motorcycle Man

Pairing: Joel Miller x reader (Biker!Joel AU)

Warning: 2,062

Summary: You and Joel finally find the time to get away to the beach. 

Author’s Note: Here he is again! I love him so much and after last nights Met Gala I’m just losing my mind. Hope you enjoy and thank you all so much for reading! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️Divider by my sweet @firefly-graphics thank you Daisy! 🥰

Warnings: it’s soft and sweet and fluffy and lots of fun and flirty! 

The below edit is NOT MINE: it was graciously done by my love Ellie @mrsmischief209 and it’s so beautiful and perfect and I love it and thank you so much!!!💕💕 He’s a dream! 😍

Joel Miller Masterlist

“Hey darlin,’ hand me that socket wrench will ya please?”

“Darlin’.”

You don’t hear a word he’s saying, your eyes locked on the large hand he’s holding out for the wrench, strong with long fingers and big knuckles and veins popping across the top.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Huh?” you answer, blinking. “Oh yeah, sorry. What did you want?”

He stands from his kneeling position by his bike and studies you with narrowed eyes.

“I wanted you to pass me the socket wrench sweetheart.”

“What’s that again?”

Joel frowns before grabbing the wrench and holding it up.

“This one. You know what it is. You knew it perfectly after the last time I showed you.”

“Oh right! Of course,” you say with a dismissive wave of your hand.

At his continued frowning you blurt out, “I was staring at your hands.”

His lips part in surprise. “What?”

“I was distracted…that’s why I didn’t pass the wrench. I noticed you have hands.”

“Darlin’” he murmurs as he steps into your space and amusement dances in his eyes.

“You’re right about that. I do have hands.”

He lifts his hands in front of his body and wiggles his fingers playfully.

“Joel,” you huff with a roll of your eyes. “I mean you have nice hands. I love your hands. In fact…they’re one of my favorite things about you.”

“I have nice hands,” he repeats, backing you toward his bike with a sexy smirk.

You hit the seat with a start before grabbing the leather.

“Thought my sunny disposition would have been your favorite thing about me,” he states, clearly holding back a full-on grin.

“You’re a total grump,” you say quietly, eyes falling to his lips, “but not with me.”  

You stare at his mouth then let your eyes wander over his beard, the small patches of gray hair causing you to drag your bottom lip over your teeth.

“What is it now darlin’?” he asks, his voice low.

“Nothing…just that…” you begin but trail off when he lifts you by the waist to sit on his bike.

“Go on,” he prods.

“I love your beard too.”

“I do have one of those.”

“Joel…don’t tease me.”

“But I love teasin’ ya darling. It makes you smile. I love when you smile.”

“You’re supposed to be fixing your bike so we can leave for our trip,” you tell him.

You push on his chest but he doesn’t stop his advance and once he’s settled between your spread legs he smooths his hands along your curves and slips his fingers under your shirt to feel your skin.

“We aren’t on a schedule,” he murmurs before his lips press to your throat.

Your fingers curl into his tee shirt and you crane your neck back.

“But if we don’t fix it soon we’ll miss time at the beach and…” you breathe out.

His thumb slides across your jaw to pull your bottom lip free from your teeth and he brushes his lips to yours.

“Still plenty of time for you to enjoy my hands,” he whispers against your mouth, “and my beard.”

Carrying only your beach bag you head down the sand, Joel behind you with everything else.

“I can help,” you say as you turn to look at him.

“I’m good sunshine. Just keep walking, I’m enjoying the view.”

You roll your eyes playfully but do as he asks while adding a little extra sway to each step.

The beach is fairly busy, blankets and umbrellas dotted along the stretch of golden sand, but you find a small spot not close to anyone and drop your bag.

Joel steps next to you and unceremoniously drops everything else onto the sand then grabs your ass. You squeal and swat his hand away but he grabs you around the waist and drags you into his chest for a kiss.

“Sorry,” he murmurs. “Couldn’t help it.”

Once your chairs and the umbrella are set up you sit and let out a contented sigh, looking out over the blue-green ocean under a cloudless sky, the soft sand sparkling white-gold and the gentle waves kissing the shore.

A large hand closes around yours and a calloused thumb grazes your knuckles.

“It’s so beautiful,” you muse, turning your eyes to him.

He smiles knowingly and brings your hand to his lips. You sit in comfortable silence for some time before he asks, “want to go for a walk?”

“I’d love that.”

You grab your bag and search for your sunblock, wanting to cover up before you go and when you look back at Joel, he’s shirtless.

“You need sunblock,” you say, eyeing him.

“So do you,” he responds, his eyes glittering even behind his sunglasses.

You move behind him, his broad back stretched before you, smooth tan skin over toned muscle and one tattoo on his right shoulder and another lower on the left side.

After warming the sunblock in your hands you press your palms to his strong back and smooth the lotion over his skin. When you slide your hands up to his shoulders you being to knead your fingers and thumbs into his tight muscle.

He grunts. “Fuck darlin,’ feels good.”

You push harder, working out the knots.

His sound of deep pleasure makes you smirk and you continue to massage him. You lean closer, pressing your breasts to his back.

“You’re asking for trouble sunshine,” he warns, turning his head to meet yours for a kiss.

You pull away but only so you can throw him a wink before finishing his sunblock. You take your time and pleasure in doing his arms and chest even though he can do them himself and when it’s your turn his grin turns wicked.

Just as he rubs his hands together, covered in lotion, you hear a shrill female voice and it jolts you from your moment. You glance in front of you and see a woman you don’t know, walking toward you.

“Hi,” you say.

“Hey,” she answers, glancing at you dismissively before turning her full attention to Joel.

“Do you think I could borrow your sunblock?” she asks with a saccharine tone.

You glare at her in disbelief but your eyes slide to Joel to see his reaction.

His lips twitch and you know he’s fighting to suppress a laugh.

“Darlin’?” he asks, turning to you. “Do we have enough to spare?”

“We should,” you answer, turning to the woman. “I can bring it over as soon as we’re done.”

“Oh,” she says, finally turning back to you. “I didn’t realize you two were together.”

You guffaw under your breath, crossing your arms over your chest defensively then notice that Joel’s grin is wider now.

Ignoring her disregarding attitude you smile brightly. “I’ll bring it over as soon as my husband is done.”

Joel nearly chokes on his laughter but quickly covers it up with a clearing of his throat.

The woman throws you a strained smile and mumbles out a “thanks” before walking back to her blanket and her friend who has been watching the scene unfold.

Silence reins between you until she’s out of ear shot and then Joel bursts out laughing.

“Oh my god!” you seethe quietly.

Joel tries to cover his increasing chuckles.

“Oh…” you mimic in a cringy voice, “I didn’t realize you two were together…”

Your hands drop to your sides. “Is she fucking kidding me!”

Joel’s expression softens. “You called me your husband.”

“Well,” you start, suddenly feeling nervous. “I just needed to stake my claim. I don’t want her thinking she can come over here and steal you from me! A woman sees a hot man with tattoos and jewelry and well…”

Joel moves behind you and presses his large hands to your back, lining his body up with yours as close as he can while still being able to rub the sunblock on you.

His lips meet the shell of your ear as he caresses your skin.

“Darlin,’ there’s no woman on this planet that could take me away from you and I promise you that. I’m yours and if you want me forever, I’d gladly take that too.”

You shiver despite the warm sun and whisper his name, at a loss for more than that.

He makes sure to cover every inch of your exposed skin, paying close attention to the areas around your ass and chest not covered by your suit, claiming he doesn’t want you to get a burn…anywhere.

“Guess I have to go deliver this to your girlfriend,” you tease, holding up the bottle of sunblock.

“Want me to do it?” he asks.

“NO!” you say adamantly, then add more quietly, “I don’t want her getting another eye full. If she’s gonna look she can look from afar!”

You can still hear Joel’s laughter as you walk away and toward the woman and her friend, two pairs of lips pressed into a thin line as you approach.

“Here you go,” you say cheerily. “No need to return the bottle. My husband said he has another bottle on his bike.”

“The motorcycle parked up there is his?” the friend asks as she leans forward.

“Yep,” you say, popping the p before waving and turning on your heel to walk back to Joel.

Joel watches you the whole time and the moment you’re in reach he grabs you and wraps you in his arms.

“All good?” he asks as he runs his nose along the curve of your shoulder.

“Yes,” you gasp. “But when I told them you had extra sunblock on the bike I thought they were gonna lose it.”

You pull back to look him the eyes, using a sensual and breathy tone when mocking, “the motorcycle parked up there is his?”

You then proceed to swoon in his arms, laying over them and fanning yourself.

“Mm women love the bike,” he snickers.

“Yeah well…,” you pout.

“No one else is getting a ride but you,” he says softly but assuredly.

One of his hands slides down your back, his fingers tracing the curve of your spine until they settle just above your ass.

“Are you trying to put on a show?” you giggle.

“Nah, just can’t keep my hands off you.”

You give him one more kiss before taking his hand and pulling him down toward the water. The wind is salty and warm but the water is cool at your feet as they sink into the wet sand.

In the middle of your conversation a gust of wind picks up the hat from your head and whips it off, sending it rolling down the beach.

“Shit,” you mutter before taking off after it.

It continues to bounce down the sand toward a guy running on the beach. He sees it and grabs it before it flies into the water.

“Thanks,” you call then you slow down as you get closer.

He’s young and handsome and shirtless.

“Good thing I was running this way,” he says, barely out of breath.

You take your hat from him and he grins.

“Yes, thank you,” you say again.

“Just visiting?” he asks.

“Actually yes, I’m on a little getaway with…”

You don’t finish the sentence because Joel rushes up behind you and says, “her husband,” in a deep and possessive voice.

“Ah, I see,” the guy says with a smirk. “Well, you two enjoy your time and keep hold of that hat. I’m not running back this way.”

With a playful wink he waves goodbye and jogs off.

“What was that?” Joel asks, hands on his hips.

“That was the guy who grabbed my hat before it flew into the ocean,” you state nonchalantly.

“Uh huh,” Joel grumbles. “He also couldn’t stop his eyes from looking over every inch of you.”

“Oh you mean like your girlfriend back there,” you counter, trying not to laugh. “Jealous…husband?”

“I’m really lovin’ the sound of that,” he growls.

“Of course you do,” you tell him, lowering your lashes.

“I know what I’ve got and I know other men want it,” he says as he reaches out to pull you into him.

His hands move down your waist, tracing the curve of your hip before pulling you deeper against him, his body hard and warm. Bending his head toward you, his lips a whisper from yours, he murmurs, “but you belong to me.”

@sstan-hoe @laineyreads @beccablogsthings @justkinsey @lorilane33 @blackwidownat2814​ @pedritosdarling​

[luvrxbunny]

buzz

Pairing: DBF!Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: You get high with Joel and some things are discussed. 

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, alcohol consumption, smoking (weed), praise kink-ish, hair pulling, dry humping, cum in pants(?) (lmk if I forgot anything)

WC: 3.5k

A/N: I definitely have a thing for guys cumming in their pants. 

You speed the whole way to Joel’s house. You were supposed to be there at 12:30 pm but after some time management and fashion complications you were arriving at 2:45 pm. You knew your father was going to murder you, he had been planning this barbeque for weeks, and he had gotten the whole neighborhood involved as well. You knock frantically until Joel answers the door. 

Your spine straightens as you watch a smile spread over his face. “Look who decided to drop by!” You grunt at him and let yourself in. “I know Joel! Where is he? I brought pumpkin pie..?” You offer as an apology.

You whirl around the kitchen, looking for somewhere to put it. Joel watches you run around his kitchen, your little pink skirt twirling around with you. “How ‘bout you give me that pie and just go see your old man?” You stop your search and look at him like he’s saved your life. “Perfect! So perfect Joel! You’re lovely.” You kiss him on the cheek quickly and run off to find your dad. Joel is left standing in the middle of his kitchen with your pie in his hands and the ghost of your kiss on his cheek. He chuckles before setting it down, pretending like a blush isn’t rising to his cheeks and spreading over his face.

“Dad?!” You finally find your father in Joel's backyard and wrap your arms around him tightly. “I’m so sorry! I couldn’t find an outfit and then I had to go to like three whole different stores to find the stupid pumpkin pie that no one even asked for and then by the time I started heading over here I was like an hour away and-”  He cuts off your rambling with a deep laugh. 

“Don’t worry about it honeybee!” He comes a bit closer to whisper in your ear. “Got all the neighborhood women here with Joel answering the door,” He tells you. You assume he's been drinking as laughter escapes him with every word. “Ugh! Stop it, Dad.” 

You cover your face with a laugh, shaking your head because you know exactly what he’s talking about. You and Joel talk about it all the time. It had come up during one of your many late-night talks, and he denied it to no end, he had no clue that the women in the neighborhood wanted him. You had to start pointing out their behaviors to him. The way some wives would offer to make him a plate while their husbands were empty-handed, how there was always at least one lady asking to fix him a drink, and there was even a lady who offered to fan him on a hot day. Joel accepted that you were right and now basked in the attention. He openly entertains their flirting now, offering to do husbandly tasks around the house from time to time.

You almost wish you hadn’t made him aware of it. Now you have to watch them flirt with him while knowing that he knows they want him. You’re aware of the way his chest slightly puffs out when they compliment him, something he used to only do for you. When you used to bathe in the way he reacted to your compliments, your innuendos, but now they’re commonplace for him. You liked to see the way he craved them, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

He’d do little things for you, fix you a plate, offer to drive you anywhere you wanted to go, just to hear it. Now though, he doesn’t need it. If he ever needs a confidence boost, Joel can just put it in your dad’s head that he needs to throw a barbecue. Joel always hosts because he has the best backyard so your dad never has any reason to say no, plus he loves grilling for the neighborhood.

You imagine that's how this cookout came to be as you’re standing with your dad and his friends. You aren’t listening to the conversation, you’re watching Joel. He has a beer in his hand and looks a little uncomfortable in his shirt, fiddling with his collar as he’s swarmed by the wives. You can see that the tips of his ears are red, presumably from the attention of the whores the wives. Anger bubbles in your chest as watch his dimple appear on his cheek when they talk to him, no doubt praising every aspect of him. You have no right to feel this way, he isn't yours. You decide to ignore the feeling and get another drink.

The night moves on and you can hear people gathering their things to head home. You migrated inside halfway through the night to “recharge your social battery” when you’re really just smoking in Joel’s garage/workshop. You’re sitting on a small office couch, through the walls you listen to people thank Joel and your father before leaving. You wait for a few more minutes, finishing off your joint before spraying yourself down and coming out. 

You make your way over to the living room to find your dad and Joel sitting on opposite ends of the sectional, drinking and watching TV. Joel looks more comfortable now that he’s changed out of his jeans and button-up and into a t-shirt and sweatpants. 

“Hey, honeybee! C’mere make yourself comfortable!” You smile at your dad’s invitation and sit in the corner seat, between him and Joel. 

“Where’d you run off to? Mrs. Thompson was asking for you.” You can hear a bit of sadness in his voice.

“I’m sorry, Dad. She was harassing me all night! Asking about why I was late, how it wasn’t fair to you, that I need to get my act together and I couldn’t deal.” You state, outwardly upset. “I mean I already know these things and I feel bad enough y’know? I just don’t need to hear it from a lady who takes her dogs to brunch.” Joel bursts out laughing at your remark causing a smile to spread on your face.

“The kid’s got a point, man. That lady will talk you into a coma if you let her.” He mutters as he takes another swig of his beer. You feel smugness settle in your chest at the fact that Joel is siding with you. Your dad nods his head and mumbles out in agreement and you all focus on the TV. You’re not paying attention to whatever it is that they’re watching due to the light buzz you’ve got going.

Instead, you’re thinking about Joel. The gray strands in his hair, the patches in his beard, his hands, his arms... your mind swarms with everything that is him. Until you feel a light push against your arm, you turn to see Joel pointing at your dad, an amused smile on his face. You’re head whirls around to see your dad, passed out on the couch. You laugh gently at him and shake your head before walking over to wake him up. You shake his arm gently, “C’mon pop, you should head on home.” You say with a light giggle as he groans, pushing himself up from the seat to give you a tight hug. “Alright honeybee, you got me.” You laugh into his shoulder as he squeezes you and let's go. You see his face scrunch up before sniffing lightly, “You smell that?”

You tense for a short moment before answering, “Yeah I know! I was in Joel’s workshop and it smells funky in there!” Your dad is shaking his head in disapproval at Joel as you hold in laughter. “Joel, you really gotta clean up in there, man okay?” He laughs as he pulls Joel in for a brief hug before leaving.

Joel immediately turns around and gives you a look. “If you’re gonna be smokin’ in my garage you can’t start blamin' your stink on me, darlin’. ” He has a soft smirk on his face as he says this, changing the channel from what looks like football to an episode of Rick & Morty, and walking to his kitchen.

“Oh, whatever! I don’t wanna hear complaining as long as I’m sharing with you, for free, might I add!” You shout back at him.

Joel walks out of the kitchen and towards you with snacks and drinks. He sits back down on the couch, a bit closer to you than he was before, and sets them down. You quickly grab a drink, your favorite, and open it up, “Joel, I didn’t know you had these!” You announce while happily sipping. He kicks his feet up on the table as he starts another beer, focused on the screen in front of him. “No, you jus' mentioned them the last time you were here,” He points at the TV, “same with this shit.”

You’re frozen as you process what he’s told you, that he listens, it makes you feel warm and happy as you sink into the couch. You guys sit there, drinking and laughing at the show for a while. Your cans are both empty by the time you remember you have a blunt in your bag. 

You interrupt the show with a dramatic gasp and run over to his workshop.

“What?! What?” Joel shouts at you as you run, worried until he hears your giggles and sees you return with a blunt and a pink lighter.

“Jesus, honey.” He places a hand on his chest and huffs out a laugh before continuing, “nearly gave me a damn heart attack, thought you were sick or something.”

His care for you makes your stomach tingle, in a wholesome and not so wholesome way.

“Aww Joel, you’re gonna make me burn up.” You say while fanning your face jokingly, despite it being completely true. You walk up to where Joel is sitting and light the blunt before handing it to him and walking over to the kitchen, taking his empty can with you to the trash. You think you can feel Joel’s eyes on your hips as you walk away but ultimately chalk it up to your delusions. 

Joel watches the way your ass moves as you walk away, taking a long hit from the blunt in an attempt to calm himself. You walk back into the room with some apple juice and the biggest smile on your face, “I fucking love apple juice” you giggle out at him, a little tipsy. 

He chuckles before taking another hit, “S’why I buy ‘em, sweetheart.” His voice is strained from the puff he’s holding in and looks over at you as he exhales. You’re looking at him in a way he hasn’t seen before, with something in your eye that he doesn’t recognize. “What's wrong?” He sounds concerned, his tone snapping you out of your trance and you begin to make your way over to him. 

“Nothing is wrong.” You take the blunt from him and sit back down, closer to him than you were before. “I’m thinking about how much the neighborhood wives would pay to be in my position.” This gets a loud, booming laugh out of Joel that makes your heart race. You giggle quietly as you take a hit, trying not to choke on the smoke while laughing. 

“You are too damn funny, kid. The wives should keep their money, and spend it on something nice.” He chuckles and sinks further into the couch, feeling his high start to hit when you pass the blunt back to him. 

“Aww stop it, Joel. You’re definitely something nice.” You push him gently, he exaggerates it and throws himself across the couch, making you laugh. “Stop, I’m serious!” You raise your voice over his fake groans of pain as pass the blunt.

“Yeah yeah I know, I just- honestly?” He pauses to take a large drag before continuing, “I just wouldn’t know what to do with ‘em.” He shrugs and passes the blunt back to you. “I don’t even know what ladies like nowadays” He finishes with a sad chuckle and shrugs.

“Really? I always assumed you were some crazy bachelor by night.” You say with a serious look before taking another puff.

“Ha. Ha. No, I’m serious. If I had all this attention when I was 19- hell even 18, I would’ve been all over these women,” He laughs softly. “but Sarah was born and I uh-” He turns to you and reaches for the blunt delicately, which you had over with a fond smile. He takes a hit before he continues, “Yeah so Sarah was born and I was so just busy raising her that I never really had time?”

You scoot closer to him take the blunt and drop some ashes in your empty apple juice bottle. You’re sitting on your legs as you listen to him, close enough that your knees are now touching his thigh and you’re blowing smoke into his cheek.

“I guess but she’s 19 now, Joel. She doesn’t really need you to raise her anymore.” You take another hit as you hear him softly gasp and put a hand over his chest.

“You’re gonna break my old heart, darlin’. You can’t say that to me.” He turns to you with a fake crying expression and you can tell he’s high, his eyes are dropping, a little unfocused, and almost bloodshot. It makes you giggle.

“She still needs you as a parent of course but you can get back out there. You’d be such a hit.” You laugh as you take another hit and Joel repositions himself so he’s a little more turned towards you, his arm comes up to rest on the couch behind you and one leg gets pulled up on the couch so your knees are now touching his shin.

“Would I?” He questions with his eyebrows furrowed and you’re about to answer him but the words die on your tongue. You watch his hand grab your wrist, twist so your palm is facing him, and pull the blunt to his mouth from between your fingers, holding you in place as he takes a hit. The action and contact have you throbbing between your legs, worsening when he releases you and you watch him close his eyes and exhale, his head falling slightly back before looking over at you. “In the dating pool, I mean. Do you really think I’d be a-” His hands come up for air quotes. “Hit?”

You have to gather your thoughts a bit before answering him. “Oh yeah, Joel. You’re exactly what women want.” You take another hit as Joel chuckles and stretches his neck before letting his head fall back on the couch, he places his foot back on the floor and adjusts his hips, spreading his legs a bit more. “What do ‘ya mean?” He grunts out.

You’re too busy staring at his hips to notice his question. You think you see something twitch against his thigh, your eyes dart up and make contact with his the moment you do. Joel reaches over and takes the blunt, you admire him as he takes a few hits before speaking again. “I asked you to explain, sweetheart.”

“Oh- uh, you’re just a specimen, Joel.” Your tongue is looser, your filter is off: you’re high. “You’re big and broad and you care. You’re nice to people and really mean to others and you’re so.. strong.” Joel takes another hit with a soft groan as you ramble deliriously. You notice something starting to press against his sweatpants and become fixated on it. “You’re protective and shy and you’re always trying. Your hair is salt and peppery and so fluffy-” You cut yourself off with a dramatic groan to emphasize your point. “You have a beard and warm brown eyes.” You’re watching his hips as they start to gently thrust into the air. He’s still holding the blunt but it’s been forgotten, the little orange bud having gone out. You can watch him fill up in his sweatpants, unconstricted, just pressing right up against the fabric. “You look scary but you’re actually not, girls- ladies um, they love that.”

Your heart is racing and you’re leaking between your legs, to the point where you’re worried you’ve soaked your panties through and started staining Joel’s couch. Your hips begin to subconsciously grind clit against your heel in time with Joel’s thrusts. “Uhm-” Your breathing is getting heavy but you can’t help it. “You’re voice is so good, s-smooth and deep an-and you have that southern accent.” Your eyes are hooded as you move your eyes up to see him, watching his furrowed expression as best you can with his face to the ceiling. "You're big, you're broad and all muscle.." You can see his chest beginning to heave as his eyelids flutter gently, still closed as his hips grind into the air. “And you’re such a gentleman Joel.”

Your voice has pitched up into a whine and it forces his eyes open, they meet your instantly. A groan comes from his throat as he registers your slowing hips, embarrassment creeping up inside you. He holds his eye contact with you as his hips stutter, his irises consumed by his pupil. Your eyes wander down from his to his lips and his tongue runs over them reflexively. When they meet him again they’re more desperate, his breaths coming faster. “So you wanna c’mere an’ kiss me or what?” He says with an uncharacteristically nervous tone, a hot red blush rising on his cheeks as you watch him twitch in his pants.

You swing one leg over him as soon as he offers, placing yourself directly over his bulge and his hands are gripping you instantly. “HOLY-” Joel shouts quickly and breathlessly the moment your pussy presses against him. “Fuck- I’m sorry- forgot we smoked. Fuck my body is fuckin’ vibratin’- I’m sorry.”

You huff out a soft laugh and put the rest of your weight down on him, earning a groan from him. “I know-” I moan slips out of you as you slowly start moving your hips. “I feel it too, Joel” 

You whisper gently in his ear before grinding yourself against him fully, the fabric of his sweatpants feeling perfect when pressed into you. His hands are gripping his hips and his head is still thrown back over the couch. He has his eyes pressed shut and rugged groans slip out of him as he begins to buck up into you, finally bringing his head up.

“Fuuuck, sweetie. Are all girls as soft as you now? Huh? Or are you special?” He moans against your ear, his breath tingling as it runs over the back of your neck. You’ve buried your face in the crook of his neck as your hips hump into him, one is gripping the fabric on his lower back, trying to push him against you harder and the other is behind his neck, sliding its way up into his hair. Once it reaches its destination you get a shocked moan from Joel as he pushes his head back into your hand. You moan and speed your hips up, rubbing your clit against him perfectly.

“I’m special.” You moan into his ear in response, feeling pleasure pool in your stomach and begin to spill over as Joel thrusts up into you. Your hands pull his hair earning a beautiful whine from him and begin to shake as your hips stutter. "All guys moan like this or are you special?“ You manage to get out in between moans, taunting him with his words. He moans even louder at your words, his hips speeding up in an impossible pace. You're almost overwhelmed with all the pleasure assaulting your senses. "N-Never felt this good before- shit, Joel.” His name comes out as a whine before you moan out and start cumming in his lap.

Your back is arched and your hips are grinding frantically into his cock as you moan in his ear, yanking on his hair in the process. You feel his huge arms wrap around you and hug you tightly to his chest before his hips smash up into you. He has his face turned into your neck and is whimpering into it every time his cock makes contact with your soft pussy. 

"Thank you, baby. Thank you, honey- fuck, feels so fuckin' good." His voice devolves into a whine as he freezes and you can feel his cock pulse against you. You feel him twitch several times as a wet patch spreads under your pussy. You can feel his lips open in a silent moan against your neck. He sounds winded when he starts breathing again, moans sliding out alongside his exhales. 

His muscles stop shaking before he speaks again, a sad groan coming out of him as he opens his mouth. “I used to be better than this, I swear.” His eyes are still closed as he gently presses up into you again with a groan, his cock twitching and spurting more cum into his pants. “Back in my prime, I would’ve rocked your world, would’ve had you shaking for me.”

You giggle into his neck before pulling back and placing a kiss on his nose softly. “I think you are in your prime, Joel.” He looks at you in disbelief.

“I don't see you shakin’, sweetheart.” You shake your head at him softly and grab his face with both of your hands. “I’m willing to give you time to change that.”

You see his eyes darken and his breathing gets shallow again, his hands tightening around you. He leans into your face with a smirk. “Y’know, I never even got that kiss…”

You giggle and pull him to you, kissing him with everything you have and feeling in the depths of your soul, that this was going to become a regular thing for you. You smile against Joel’s lips and your heart races at the thought. You pull away to giggle but he pulls you right back in, muttering out a muffled “Not enough” before smashing his lips to yours. 

You kiss him as much as he wants, bathing in his attention, for the rest of the night. 

Thank you so much for reading!! Please please please give any feedback you may have! I want it all!

[cherubispunk]

NEPHILIM (series masterlist) - Jackson-era!Joel Miller x AFAB!Reader

summary: Joel Miller was something of a biblical figure to you. A small glimpse into the past of something archaic, untold, and harbouring on the dangerous. You liked to imagine him as one of the Nephilim. A son of god, offspring borne of a fallen angel and man. A giant of misunderstood nature. Who’s soul had been cast down on earth in punishment. His large hands had bloodshed on them, or so people had said. They whispered it quietly in the spaces between. The places he didn’t occupy often. But he was always on your mind…so there was no place for those whispers there.

a note from Lucy: biblical imagry, canibalism as a mataphor, animal imagry, joels stiff upper lip, mutual pining, two grown adults being bloody cowards!!! It's all fucking crack cocaine to me. So...enjoy two iditos in love. All parts are in chronological order.

playlist

NEPHILIM: BAMBI

w/c: 1563 | angst, fluff

summary: when does a human stop being regarded as a human…and, instead, seen as something different entirely?

Warnings: 18+ MDNI! no use of y/n but reader is referred to as ‘Bambi’, no physical description of reader apart from ‘long lashes’, brief descriptions of injury and blood, religious imagery, use of guns/ being taught to shoot, me not remembering how to shoot even though I was taught how to so there may be inaccuracies lolsies, Joel is a little bit of a dick but it’s only because he cares!

NEPHILIM

w/c: 2498 | angst, smut

summary: the disturbing comforts the disturbed.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI DARK CONTENT! no use of y/n, I tried to keep her body type as generic as possible but he might be slightly skinny coded so please let me know and I’ll change it in edits, reader is referred to as ‘Bambi’, verbally constipated Joel Miller, brief gore descriptions, heavy religious imagery and references to the bible, biblical lore, bombastic age gap!!! yahhhhh! (reader is in her 20’s/ Joel is in his late 50’s), smut, p in v sex, creampie, fingering, rough sex, possessive!joel, dom!joel/sub!reader dynamic, you know the drill with my writing, there’s probably some form of cannibalism as a metaphor, or brutal violence as a metaphor, religious imagery as a metaphor, etc. (aka, fancy word vomit)

NEPHILIM: THE FALLEN | POEM

wc: 2755 | angst, fluff?, smut

summary: fallen or damned? who's to tell when it's joel miller

Warnings: 18+ MDNI DARK CONTENT! no use of y/n, reader is referred to as ‘Bambi’, verbally constipated Joel Miller, brief gore descriptions, heavy religious imagery and references to the bible, biblical lore, yearning, idiots in love, angst angst angst!!!!!!, bombastic age gap!!! yahhhhh! (reader is in her 20’s/ Joel is in his late 50’s), smut, oral sex (m! receiving), rough oral sex, possessive!joel, dom!joel/sub!reader dynamic, you know the drill with my writing, there’s probably some form of cannibalism as a metaphor, or brutal violence as a metaphor, religious imagery as a metaphor, etc. (aka, fancy word vomit) - Lucy crying over a bloody google doc :)

[thirstyforcharacters]

Reconnection

Part 2 of the Mistakes Series

Part 1: Mistakes. Part 3: Healing

Summary: You walked away from Joel after the confrontation at Bill and Frank’s. You thought you’d never see him again. Until you did.

Warnings: angst!!!!! reader is lonely :( Joel and reader are getting better at emotions!!! mentions of canon typical violence, allusion to sexual activities, happy-ish ending

WC: 2025

Notes: soooo here is the sequel to Mistakes!! I had originally planned on only having this series be two parts, and then I thought it would be three or four, but now I’m kind of back to only doing two bc I really liked how this part ended!!! Lmk what you think about that!!

Walking out was simultaneously the best and worst thing you could’ve done for yourself. You didn’t wake up feeling unwanted. You did what you wanted when you wanted because no one was there to hover over you. You lived in the woods, trading with other people like you, dodging Infected, and killing raiders who tried to make your life more of a living hell than living on this earth already was.

But you were lonely. You missed the times you had with Joel and Tess before everything happened. You missed the feeling of having a family, even if they weren’t a great one at the end. They were the only two people you trusted, and not having that safety net was terrifying. But you made your choice and you stuck to it. On April 23rd, 2023, you left the Boston QZ and didn’t look back, not even as Joel pleaded with you to stay. Not even as you saw tears start to fill Tess’s eyes for the first and last time. Not even as you snuck through the gate and slit the FEDRA agent’s throat who tried to stop you.

For a year, you wandered. Slowly, you traveled, going from Boston down to Pennsylvania, then you made your way through the Midwest. You didn’t really have a destination, you just knew that you wanted to be as far away from Boston as you could get.

And on April 23rd, 2024, you found Jackson, Wyoming.

Well to be more specific, the residents found you.

As always, you were wandering on your own. What was snow covered terrain in the winter was now grasslands in the spring as you hiked over prairies and rolling fields, slowly approaching the Rockies to the west. At some point, you crossed a few rivers, but honestly, so much of what you traveled had blurred together at this point. It was nighttime, and you laid down to rest, setting up a small camp as always. You slept for only two hours, which wasn’t abnormal for you. But what wasn’t normal for you was to be surrounded by three people on horseback pointing rifles at you when you woke up. Immediately, you put your hands in the air. You could take three people easily if they were on the ground, but on horseback, you were at a major disadvantage.

“Who’re you?” the one in the center asked.

His accent was familiar. You searched for his face, blinking your eyes open in the dark, slowly adjusting to the low light.

“‘M Y/n. Just passing through.”

“You by yourself?” he asked again.

Your eyes widened once they were finally adjusted from the dark.

It was Tommy, Joel’s brother.

You knew him back in the day, before he ran off to join the Fireflies. He was always a bit friendlier than his older brother, despite everything he’d gone through. And he was handsome, though you had always preferred Joel in that regard.

“Tommy?”

Your voice was much more confused than you would’ve liked, but it made him stop in his tracks. He studied your face, searching for something in it until the light turned on.

“Oh, shit, you’re that Y/n! Sorry I didn’t recognize you at first, it’s been a while.”

But his gun was still pointed at you. And you knew why.

“I’m not Infected. You can check me yourselves if you want.”

You rolled up your sleeves and your pantlegs to prove a point, showing off the lack of bites and claw marks on your body.

The person on the right, a woman with dark hair jumped down from her horse. It was at that point that you noticed a dog beside them, growling at you.

“The dog will know if you’re telling the truth,” she said.

You tensed up. Despite knowing that you were clean, the large creature baring its teeth at you was still unnerving. But you allowed him to approach, and soon his growls faded as he nudged you with his nose. You couldn’t help but smile as you scratched his head, the animal giving you some comfort as you looked up at the people who were now getting off of their horses. Tommy offered you his hand and you took it, allowing him to help you off of the ground. The dark haired woman smiled at you, and the other person, a man with light brown hair and glasses looked you over.

“It’s good to see you again, Y/n. It’s been a long time,” said Tommy with a smile.

“It’s good to see you, too. Always enjoyed your company,” you responded honestly.

His smile grew a little wider, but then dropped as he asked you, “What are you doing out here by yourself? Always thought if I saw you again, it would be with Joel and Tess.”

You tensed up, and he noticed.

“Long story. Don’t have time to tell it,” you offered simply, “what about you? Still with those Fireflies?”

He chuckled, “Not exactly. I’ll show you when we get there. You can share my horse.”

Despite not seeing him in many years, you trusted him. So, ignoring the sleep that wanted to retake you, you gathered your few belongings and got on the horse, along with the two others. During the ride, you learned their names were Maria and Allen.

“Maria’s my wife,” Tommy said, beaming with pride, “we’re parents now, can you believe it?”

You smiled at them both, “Congratulations!”

But why would they want a child in a world like this?

As the sun was rising over the Wyoming mountainside, you arrived at your destination. You couldn’t help but gasp out loud at the wooden gates and stare in shock at the beautiful town sprawled out before you.

“Holy shit, Tommy!” is all you could think to say.

Tommy laughed, his eyes crinkling at the sides, “Welcome to Jackson.”

Maria smiled and said, “We’ll find a place to put you up. I’m sure you’re tired since we interrupted your sleep. We can take you on a tour in the morning.”

Suddenly, your exhaustion hit you, your eyes drooping involuntarily as a yawn escaped your lips.

“That sounds great.”

You honestly didn’t even remember falling asleep, but when you woke up to knocking at the front door of your new house, the sun was high in the sky. You yawned, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you trudged through your bedroom and the rest of your house to reach the front door.

“Hey, Y/n! Feel a little better?”

Tommy was on your doorstep with a smile.

You nodded, “Still a little sleepy, but much better, thank you.”

“Good,” he said, “you ready for that tour, now?”

“Sure.”

Tommy led you through town, pointing out the important buildings: the stables, the bar, of course, and the clinic, while explaining how things worked in town.

“Oh, and since you’re capable, we’ll probably put you in the patrol rotation as soon as you’re settled in…”

But you weren’t listening anymore. The two of you approached the school, since Tommy thought maybe you could help teach there, and there you saw something you hoped you’d never see again.

Joel.

He was talking to a teenaged girl with brown hair and a bright smile. He was laughing at something she had said, his eyes twinkling with a brightness you had never seen in them before.

Blood rushed to your ears as your heart pounded in your chest. You couldn’t help the way your hands shook as adrenaline rushed through you.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. You weren’t supposed to see him again.

“Y/n, you okay?” asked Tommy softly.

Joel’s head whipped around upon hearing your name. It couldn’t really be you, could it? Your hair was too long and tangled, your clothes too torn and dirty, your shoes barely staying on your feet.

But those eyes were unmistakable. They carried so much weight, even more than the last time he saw you. They were filled with fear, anger, sadness, but worst of all, loneliness. And it was his fault.

Joel never stopped blaming himself for what happened. He missed you every day, and no one, not even Tess could pull him from his misery. Ellie filled the Sarah-sized hole in his heart, but there was still a you-sized hole from the past year. And now that you were before him, he was determined to get you back.

“Y/n.”

The soft murmur of your name was enough to shake you of your stupor.

“Joel.”

You said nothing more. What else was there to say?

“Hey, Ellie, you want to come to my place? Maria’s baking cookies,” Tommy asked, giving you both a meaningful look.

“Sure! You’d better come around then, too, Joel!” the girl, Ellie, said cheerfully, seemingly oblivious to what was occurring.

“I will, Ellie. You run along now,” Joel replied, smiling softly at the retreating figures of Ellie and his brother.

Then his attention was on you. And quite frankly, you didn’t know what to do.

Joel stepped toward you, closing the gap until you were face to face with the man that had been haunting your dreams for the past year.

“Didn’t expect to see you around here,” he said.

You heard the weight his voice carried. Even if others couldn’t read the stoic man, you could. You knew him too well, even after all of this time.

“Well that makes two of us.”

The bitterness still tinging your voice makes him wince slightly.

“It’s good to see you alive,” he offered, “that you’re okay.”

“No thanks to you.”

The tone was sharp, offered no room for friendliness or forgiveness.

Joel sighed softly, running his fingers through his graying hair, “I know. I’ve thought about it every day.”

That made you pause, the anger simmering below the surface beginning to give way.

“Me too.”

You wouldn’t say that you missed him. That you dreamed about a world where the three of you were still a team. That when you felt really lonely, your fingers would slip below your waistband, still thinking of him. That you often wished desperately that you never left. But you felt like he knew.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

His smile was tight lipped and his eyes swam with the ghosts of your shared past.

“No Tess?”

Her absence was noticeable to you. In the time the three of you had worked together, you didn’t go anywhere without the others.

Joel shook his head, “Dead.”

“Raiders?”

“Infected.”

“Oh,” you gasped, “I’m sorry.”

And you were. Tess was a good friend and a strong ally. Her death was unexpected to you, and you knew Joel had to have been there to see it. You wouldn’t wish that upon your worst enemy.

He looked at the ground, breaking eye contact with you for the first time, “Losing her was hard. I had already lost you, and then I lost her. Just like Sarah.”

Joel was never one to talk about his emotions, but you had broken down that wall during your partnership. And though you didn’t let your guard down to him, here he was using a wrecking ball.

“Joel, I-” this time you ran your fingers through the tangled mess that was your hair, trying to search for something to say.

But he continued, “I know what I did to you was wrong. Shutting you out wasn’t the answer, and I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t. But maybe leaving wasn’t the best answer for me, either.”

That was the first time you had really admitted that to yourself.

“I should’ve talked to you, like this, before making a choice so rash. I’m so-”

“You don’t have to apologize. You did what you had to. You have to do what’s best for you in this world,” Joel interrupted, returning his gaze to you.

You nodded, “Well, maybe this is a chance for us to start fresh. Maybe it was meant to happen.”

The ghost of a smile appeared on his lips, “Maybe it was. Let me walk you home.”

And you did, with the feeling that you’d let him do it again and again.

[caplanbuckybarnes]

Loving Another

Summary: Joel confesses his affairs to you

warnings: no dialogue, mentions of infidelity, mentions of a pregnancy of another female.

WC: 410

inspired by the prompt “I can’t pretend to love you anymore.” from my newest writing challenge "BrokenHearts4Caplan" though there's no dialogue written...

Sitting across from your husband, you felt utterly defeated at the kitchen table. You knew the dynamics between the pair of you had changed... but not this drastic. You didn’t know he had been cheating on you. You didn’t know that the feelings he held for you had diminished. But here the pair of you sat, after having another argument the morning before about the affection not being there any longer. 

Joel used to bring home flowers to you every Friday. He used to date you on dates every other night. He used to allow you to sleep in as he deep cleaned the house. He used to come home after working long hours at the office and help you with dinner. He was the best person you’ve ever had in your life.

You never noticed his advances towards other women. You never noticed that your best friend would constantly give him heart eyes whenever the trio would gather for movie nights. You never noticed that he would make excuses for her whenever she’d show up unannounced at the house.

But the signs were all there. He’d come home and go straight to the shower. He’d work long hours on weekends, which he never used to do before. But you never questioned it-- he’d always been a workaholic. Thankfully, you never became pregnant with his children.

But your best friend did. You knew she wasn’t seeing anymore during the time of pregnancy. You knew it was around the time when you had gone to visit your parents for a few days after your dad had a health scare. He’d fallen in love with your best friend over the years....and you were too blind to notice the signs.

All you could do was take deep breaths and hold back tears as he leaned his elbows on the table with sorrow written across his face. He knew he’d fucked up. He knew you’d hate him. It was his own fault. He allowed himself to fall in love with another woman and he’d forever hate himself for it. No words were exchanged in more than an hour as the pair of you sat at the table, the sounds of the dishwasher being the only noise heard in the room.

Eventually, he’d stood up and walked over to you, gently planting a kiss to the top of your head before walking out of the room, allowing the courtesy to break down in tears.

[elliaze]

It's so so heart melting!

Amazing, i love it! Soft!Joel is my favourite 🥹❤️

They are lovley and Ava is everything 🩷

time

Summary: Not wanting to face Joel after you found out that you're pregnant, you leave the Boston QZ to live with Bill and Frank. Almost four years pass before you can't hide from him anymore, letting him finally know why you ran from him all these years back.

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem. reader

Wordcount: 6.7k

Rating: E

Warnings: angst, unplanned pregnancy, secret pregnancy, secrets, fluff, trust issues, Joel being Joel, making up, kissing, age gap (not specified but it's around 15 years), smut (unprotected sex), mentions of alcohol, Joel really is bad at feelings, but he's trying, Girl Dad Joel Miller, happy end

A/N: if these two had a relationship status it would be "it's complicated" Another WiP done! So now I am allowed to think about Biker Raider Joel for a moment, right?

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Pedro Masterlist || Joel Masterlist || Main Masterlist

“You know you’ll have to face him at some point,” Frank had a fond smile on his lips as he sat in his wheelchair next to you. He was watching Bill who let himself chase across the yard of his picture perfect post apocalypse home. 

Nobody would expect that just down the street, outside of the fence the world as you knew it had ended. 

“I know,” you sighed. 

“He asks for you every time he’s here. If we had seen you, if we knew where you are. He’s gonna understand,” Frank said and you scoffed. 

“He’s not gonna care. He has Tess and… he’s not…” you shook your head, searching for the words, “he’s not the man I fell in love with.”

“We all can change,” Frank said, reaching over to squeeze your hand. 

“Bill is the best example for that. Could you have imagined him like that when you showed up here three years ago?”

You watched Bill play with your daughter, Ava, playing catch. 

“Joel is not like that. He was like that. Before. But that part of him died long ago.”

You sat in silence for a while, just watching Bill and Ava, trying to soak it all in. It would never be like that again and you were already dreading having to explain all of this to her. 

“I’m gonna miss you,” you whispered, fighting against the tears as you looked at Frank. He smiled softly at you before he came closer, kissing your forehead. 

Four years earlier

You knew he could tell when you were lying. He would know with one look at you that you were full of shit telling him that this was not working for you anymore. Whatever this between you was.

Joel and you had known each other since before the outbreak. You had started babysitting Sarah to earn some extra money while you were finishing you degree when she had just been nine years old and you had moved in next door.

You had been there on outbreak day. Next door, still living at home to take care of your sick father. You would never get the picture of his infected body lunging at you out of your head the night the world changed. 

You and Joel… You didn’t know what Joel and you were exactly. 

You loved Joel, you knew that. And you were pretty sure he loved you too. You just wanted… more. Most people did not allow themselves to love so openly anymore. And in Joel’s case? Losing Sarah had changed him. After fifteen years the man who had been Sarah’s father was gone, replaced by a man that still had his face, but was missing the warmth and comfort Joel Miller had once provided. 

You could see it in glimpses, whenever his hand would rest on your back when he passed by. When he fell asleep in your arms deep in the night. When he kissed your forehead before he headed out for work. 

Loving Joel Miller was easy. 

Being loved by him was close to impossible. 

You never really labelled your relationship, mostly because you did not think of it as important. You trusted him more than any other person on this planet. It’s why you ignored the way he had started looking at Tess. It’s why you did not question him when he stayed away at night. You ignored it all, opening your arms for him when he chose to come home to you, letting him in your bed just to feel close to him. To feel something. 

The jealousy was killing you slowly, making you reckless when you let him have his way with your body. 

But once you had missed your period the first month, and then the second, you knew that there was only one possible answer to your dilemma. You had never been late before. A ration card swapped for a twenty year old pregnancy test had your worst fears come true. 

You were pregnant with Joel Miller’s child. 

Fifteen years after you both buried his daughter. The daughter he never got over losing. 

You could already see his reaction. The eyes you loved so much empty before he would tell you to deal with it. 

You could not face his anger or disappointment, but mostly you could not face him not caring. So you packed your little belongings once he had left you in the morning, sneaking out of your bed without a word.

You did not leave a note, just fled the QZ, making your way over to Bill and Frank, hoping your friendship with Frank would make them take you in. 

Of course Bill hadn’t want to, but once he saw your stomach swell (and tasted the sweets you baked in his kitchen) he had put all his work into making the house next door into your home. 

“Mama, can we go get Strawbebbies?” you chuckled, holding her hand as you walked with her on your daily walk by the fence. 

“Strawberries, baby,” you tried to correct her. Ava pouted at you, her dark curls swinging in the wind, her brown eyes so much like her fathers. 

“That’s what I said!” she put her little hands on her hips and you smiled. 

She was definitely her father’s daughter.

“Okay, baby. Let’s get some Strawbebbies,” you picked her up, making her shriek with laughter. Once again you were glad you made the decision to come here. She could grow up like a child was supposed to. 

Even though now that Bill and Frank were gone it was getting kind of lonely. You had all enjoyed a last dinner together before Bill and Frank had tucked Ava in for one last time and read her a story. 

You had tried to keep the tears at bay as Bill had reminded you of the folder full of instructions of how to take care of things around here for you. 

After dinner you had walked them to the gate, opening the fence for them as they took their last walk. You had watched them until they had disappeared into the dark woods before you made your way back to their house. You had cleaned the dishes and tidied everything up, before with a heavy heart, you had turned off all the lights and closed the door behind you before you walked to your house, allowing yourself to cry yourself to sleep as you sat on the floor next to the bed of your daughter, watching her sleep. 

That night was almost three months ago. The days were getting shorter, the nights colder. You’d have enough firewood for this winter but come spring you would have to find a way to make more. 

You had just finished making breakfast for Ava when the motion detector alarmed you that someone was at the gate. You froze, telling Ava to eat her fruit salad before you made your way downstairs to check out what was happening. 

Your heart was pounding against your chest, once you noticed his face. 

Joel Miller. 

And a…. Teenage girl?

The gate swung open after he put in the code and you allowed yourself fifteen seconds to panic. You knew this day would come. The day after Bill and Frank had gone you had checked the basement, finding that Bill had put on 80’s music, the distress signal. 

Even though you had turned it off immediately deep down you knew he would show up at some point. 

You just did not think it would be that soon. 

You grabbed your gun, checking if it was loaded before you made your way back upstairs. You did not think you would need it, but it was better to be prepared. 

“Ava? Remember when Uncle Bill played hide and seek with you and showed you the best place to hide?” you asked, hiding the gun in the back of your jeans as you got to your kitchen. She nodded. 

“I want you to hide there until I come and get you,” you said. 

“Hide?” she asked. You nodded, kissing her cheek. 

“Take Sluggi with you,” you smiled. Sluggi was the stuffed plush slug Bill had gotten for her. She nodded and ran out of the kitchen and upstairs, You heard her door to her room close and took a deep breath, calming yourself. 

You knew this day would come. You knew one day you would have to face Joel Miller and you knew you would have to face his reaction. 

You never regretted your decision to leave. Life has definitely been better here. That did not mean you had just stopped loving him, no matter how much he had hurt you in the past. 

Stepping towards your front door you could see him walk towards Bill and Frank’s house. 

You closed your eyes, taking a calming breath before you opened the door and stepped out. 

His head snapped towards you once he heard the door opening, eyes widening for a split second before he pulled the girl that was with him behind his back. 

He was protecting her. 

“What are you doing here? Where are Bill and Frank?” he asked, his voice low. 

“They’re dead. Frank got worse and… he couldn’t…” you shook your head, lost of words. He just looked at you before he shook his head, trying to put in words what he wanted. 

“I just… We need some…” he took a deep breath, looking up at you, a million emotions playing over his face. 

“Are you hungry?” you asked the girl behind him. 

“Starving,” she replied and you smiled a little.

“There’s some fruit salad left on the kitchen counter if you want?” you asked. She stepped around Joel and he looked at her. 

“It’s safe. There’s… there’s no one there,” you lied. He gave her a nod before she walked past you into your home. 

It had been years since you’ve been alone with him. He did not really change. His hair maybe a little grayer, the lines around his mouth a little deeper, but he was still Joel Miller. 

“You left,” he said. 

“I did.”

“Why?”

You took a deep breath. You looked past him towards the house the girl had walked in, hoping your little girl continued to hide. Knowing her she had was working on her puzzle. She would be okay for a moment. 

You knew she was safe. You just needed a little moment alone. 

“You can have some fruit salad too. I am going to get some vegetables for dinner,“ you gave him a nod, before you turned around and walked towards your garden, ignoring him as he called after you. 

With a basket full of salad, cucumbers and some tomatoes you pushed the door of your house open. Joel was sitting on the stairs, across the door, already looking at you. 

The girl walked past the both of you towards the living room, an apple in her hand she was munching on. 

„This is so fucking weird,“ she shook her head and you snorted while Joel hissed at her. 

„What? It is weird,“ she said, her head turned towards him. 

You smiled a little as you looked at her, before you walked towards the kitchen, setting the basket down. You had to go up to check on Ava. 

And you had to talk to Joel.

You couldn’t hide her from him, even though you wanted to do nothing more than that. 

You took a deep breath when he walked into the kitchen. 

„Is it okay if Ellie takes a shower?“ He asked, knowing that there was warm water around town. 

„That’s her name. Ellie,“ he clarified.

„Oh. Of course, yeah,“ you nodded and Ellie walked in, snorting as she looked up at Joel. 

„You could use one too dude,“ she said and you had to fight hard against the grin as you watched the look on Joel’s face. 

You were about to offer her to show her to the bathroom when you heard a door upstairs click open, followed from little footsteps, your eyes widening. Joel frowned, his hand immediately searching for his gun, his arm putting Ellie behind himself. 

He raised his gun, taking a step forward as you ran around the counter, the knife you had put out to cut the salad now in your hand. 

„Gun down,“ you hissed and his head snapped to you, his eyes widening when he saw the knife in your hand. You stood in front of him. 

„I will not repeat myself, put the gun down, right now or I will put this knife in your thigh,“ you fingers flexed around the handle of the knife. The footsteps came closer as you kept eye contact with Joel until he slowly lowered his gun. You nodded at him once you saw him put the gun back to wherever it came from, then looked at Ellie who was looking at you with wide eyes, before you let the knife fall down to the floor just in time as Ava jumped the last step down, rounding the corner. 

„Potty?“ She whispered shyly, looking up at you with big eyes and you sighed, before you nodded, the people behind you forgotten as you picked your daughter up. You risked a glance at Joel as you turned towards the stairs, your daughter in your arms.

His lips parted as if he wanted to say something, before you practically ran up the stairs. 

„Who is the man mommy?“ Ava asked as she was finished, washing her hands like you taught her, making as many bubbles as possible as she rubbed her hands together. 

You sucked your bottom lip in as you watched her, your hand brushing over her soft hair. 

„That is an old Friend of mommy,“ you explained, and she nodded. 

„And the girl?“ She asked. 

„That is a friend of him, I think. I am not sure.“

She finished washing her hands and you handed her the towel, her little face full of concentration as she dried her hands, making you smile.

You got down on your knees in front of her, your hands on her shoulders. 

„Do you think she’s gonna play with me?“ She asked, hopeful.

„We can ask her,“ you said with a smile.

You weren’t prepared for the sight in your kitchen when you came downstairs. Joel was standing at the counter, the sleeves of his shirt rolled back as he cut the tomatoes with the knife you had threatened with him not only ten minutes ago. 

He didn’t look up as you entered the room, but Ellie did. You looked between them warily. 

„I’m Ava,“ your daughter chirped and you took a deep breath, Joel still not looking up. Ellie looked at him with a frown, before she sighed, rolling her eyes, and walked towards you.

„I’m Ellie,“ she said and smiled a little and bend down to her knees. Ava looked first at her, then at you. 

„Ellie, do you like sea turtles?“ You asked and the girl looked at you. 

„Uh…. I guess?“ She said and you smiled. 

„Because Ava loves them. Her whole room is full of them,“ you said and saw interest flicker in her eyes.

„Can I see?“ Ellie asked and you nodded. 

„You wanna show Ellie your sea turtles?“ You asked Ava and she nodded eagerly. 

„Awesome,“ Ellie said, taking Ava’s hand before you could offer to show them, the girls already walking upstairs towards Ava's room. 

Which left you alone in the kitchen with….

„How old is she?“ Joel asked, still not looking at you as you turned to face him. He grabbed the cucumber after he had used the knife to put the tomatoes in the bowl you had prepared for the salad, beginning to slice them. 

You took a deep breath. 

„She turned three last month,“ you said, watching him nod slowly, the knife hitting the cutting board the only noise in the room. 

„She has my eyes,“ he finally said and you sucked your bottom lip in, nervous. 

„Yeah she has,“ you agreed and he finally looked up at you, setting the knife down, his hands spread out on the counter, resting his whole weight on them. 

„Why didn’t you tell me?“ He asked, his voice quiet. 

„I didn’t know how. Joel…. You were barely acknowledging me outside of when you were inside of me. You spend all your time with Tess doing god knows what. How would you have reacted if I told you that I was pregnant? You never even acknowledged what we…“ you stoped yourself, shaking your head. 

„You should have told me. I could have…“ he stopped himself, searching for what to say and you looked at him, waiting. 

„I could have helped you. I would have….“ He shook his head, his hands shaking. 

„I’m gonna need a moment. Can you watch after Ellie?“ He asked and you nodded, confused and he nodded back before he walked past you and out of the house. 

You just didn’t think it would be almost two days before he got back. You were outside in Bill’s garden, letting the girls help you pick everything that was ready from the garden when you noticed him walk towards the house. 

You knew he was still inside the little locked up town Bill had made his safe haven. None of the alerts had went off, indicating he had left. And yeah you could have searched after him, but what good would it have done?

You’ve known him from almost twenty years, and you knew that he needed time to process certain things. 

He hadn’t talked to anyone in almost a year after the outbreak and what happened to Sarah. 

„Look what the cat dragged in,“ Ellie said as she spotted him and Ava perked up, her little head turning towards where Ellie was looking. 

Joel nodded at the girls before he looked at you. 

The sun was already setting and you had dinner prepared inside. 

„How about we have some dinner and then Ellie can read you some more of the story you started yesterday?“ You asked and both girl smiled at you. Ava ran past Joel who looked after her as she disappeared into the house, Ellie following her. 

„Next time you ditch me, at least tell me?“ She glared at him before she walked back into the house. He sighed, running a hand through his messy hair. 

„Can we talk?“ He asked. 

„After dinner?“ You said, getting up and grabbing the basked full of fresh vegetables. 

„Yeah. Yeah okay,“ he nodded and you walked towards the house, giving him a hesitant smile when he grabbed the basket from you and walked inside after you. 

It was two hours later that you found yourself on the left corner of your couch, your legs tucked under you, a glass of wine in your hand. 

Because this conversation needed some alcohol. 

And not only because of what you were about to talk about, but because of the man who was sitting on the other side of the couch, similar glass of wine in his hand. 

Because he looked so damn good.

He had showered while you put the girls to bed after dinner, the whole scene feeling so domestic. Like a dream you had many many times before when you were still dreaming. 

Dreaming of a normal future. 

Dreaming of a normal life. 

Dreaming about how it would feel like if Joel Miller loved you back. 

Because no matter how much he may have hurt you in the past, you just could not stop loving him. 

„I’m sorry,“ he whispered after a while and you turned your head to look at him, his eyes already on you. 

„I’m shit at talking about those things….“ He stopped.

„Those things meaning feelings?“ You helped and he groaned. 

„Yeah. Always sucked at it. Even before….“ 

He sighed. 

„Sarah would be so angry with me with how I treated you,“ he whispered and your eyes softened. You could count on one hand how often he had brought Sarah up ever since she died. 

And while you thought you could understand him in the past, you loved her like yours after all, now that you had Ava, you realised that loosing her would kill you. 

It would be something you could never come back from. 

But he did. 

„I never cheated on you. I know you thought I did, can’t blame your for it. Tess was just…. Fuck, how do I explain this?“ He sighed, his fingers rubbing over his chin. 

„I never deserved you. You’re too fucking good for me. For everyone really. Because even after the whole world went to shit, you still had some kindness left for everyone around you. I know how much you hated what we did in the beginning. And I hated myself for putting you through it. I hated myself for putting you through everything I did to you since the moment Sarah died…“ he said and you could see his eyes watering. 

„Can’t blame you for hating me and leaving. And not telling me about….“

„Joel….“ You said, setting your glass down and getting closer towards him, your hand reaching for his. Slowly he turned his hand so you could put yours in it, his fingers wrapping around your hand softly. 

„I’m not gonna lie and tell you that it’s okay. Cause I was hurting. You were hurting me. Every time you left in the morning without a word. Every time you passed out drunk and drugged after you came back. It was like living with a ghost and it was killing me. That was the reason I decided to leave when I found out. I could…. I couldn’t bring a child into this. And I knew I wanted her before I even met her. Even though it seems crazy to bring a child into this world. But… She was half you. And the thought that there was even the possibility that you didn’t wanted her….“ You took a deep breath. 

„Honestly? I can’t tell you how I would have reacted. I was… I was really fucked up in the weeks before you left. I was taking too many drugs. Drank too much. Got too fucking reckless. But that changed when you left,“ he said and squeezed your hand. 

„Not right away. It might have gotten worse first but… I got better. Not perfect, but better. And I… Fuck I even talked through some shit with someone. Made me realise I never even told you how much I love you,“ he said and you were pretty sure you stopped breathing as he looked at you, a small smile tilting his lips up. 

„Pretty sure I fell for you the first time you walked through my door wearing that pretty baby blue dress. Even though you were way too young for me. Still are. But…. I hope you knew, know. I really fucking love you,“ he said and you felt a tear running down your cheek. 

„Can you tell me about her? About Ava?“ He asked before you could form an answer to his confession. And so instead you told him. 

You told him about how you craved strawberries your whole pregnancy. How Bill traded one of his guns for the seeds from Tess.

You told him that she only slept through the night in the beginning, when Bill put her to sleep. 

You told her how much she reminded you of Sarah when she smiled at you. 

You told her how every time you looked at her you saw him. 

Hours went by where you two talked, you ending up leaning against Joel’s side, his arm around you. His fingers brushing over your arm, his other hand still holding yours. His lips brushing over your skin when he told you about how Ellie ended up at in his care. 

How he wanted to take her to Wyoming to search for his brother who might know how to find the fireflies. 

„Do you know where he is?“ You asked and he shrugged. 

„Not exactly. I know he messaged me from the Cody tower, so that’s where we’ll be going,“ he mumbled and you nodded. 

„We could take Bill’s truck,“ you said and he stilled. You looked up at him. 

„We?“ He asked and you chuckled, sitting yourself up so you were facing him, your hand now on his cheek. 

„You really think I’m gonna let you go now?“ You asked with a smile. 

And then you finally kissed him. 

It was decided that you would leave within the next 5 days, giving you enough time to make a list (You always made lists) of everything you had to pack. 

Which was a lot. Getting four people across the country on a trip that hopefully would be just like you remembered road trips to be, took a lot of supplies. 

And while you were preoccupied deciding which food was best to take, Joel had asked you if he could spend some time with Ava. He wanted to get to know her. And of course, you agreed. Watching him, Ellie and Ava walk towards the garage where they spend hours doing god knows what. 

It was almost dark outside when they walked back in, your heart melting as you watched Joel carry a very sleepy Ava inside who told you all about how seatbelts where very scary, something you would make sure to ask Joel about as you took her upstairs, putting her to bed. 

The days went by quickly like that.

Joel quickly became Ava’s favourite person which could have to do with the fact, that she was always allowed to sit on his shoulders. Ellie had been confused, yet delighted at the change in the grumpy man she had left the QZ with. 

He even got his Dad jokes out, making the teenager groan in mock annoyance throughout the day. Ellie also spend a lot of time with you, wanting to learn everything you offered to teach her. Starting from making protein bars for the trip down to how to properly braid her hair. 

Even though she preferred you doing it. 

You got the impression that she never really had anyone how just… listened to her or wanted to spend time with her. She told you she grew up in FEDRA School and that her mother had died while giving birth. 

She had no family and her best friend (though you got the impression Riley had been more than just a friend) had died not that long ago. 

That the only thing she had left in life was her purpose to save the world. Joel had told you that she was immune, Ellie showing you the healed scars to confirm it. 

„You know that that’s not the only thing you have left, right?“ You asked her, sitting on the porch next to her, enjoying one last sunset, watching Joel and Ava play soccer. Her little feet chasing after Joel with happy squeals. 

„What do you mean?“ Ellie asked and you looked at her with a smile. 

„You have us, Ellie. You think we just gonna let you go?“ You asked and she stubbornly shook her head. 

„I have to do this. It’s my purpose. I have to save the world,“ she said and looked away from you. 

„Are you saying this because you feel that way, or because someone told you so?“ You asked and she looked at you. 

„Because it should be your decision what to do and what not. And… think about it, even if they are somehow able to make a cure out of your blood, do you really think they will be able to make enough to make a vaccine for everyone? Who will decide who gets it? And if they end up deciding on giving it to everyone…. There are so many bad people out there. Do they deserve to be saved too?“ You asked and you could see her thinking about your words and you smiled softly at her. 

„Even if you don’t like hearing it, your a kid Ellie. You should grow up and live first before you make a decision like that. You don’t even know how they would get whatever they needed from your blood. If I remember correctly Cordyceps grow in the brain, what if they have to get into your brain to get out whatever they need?“ You said and her eyes widened. 

„But Marlene….“ She whispered and you reached over her, taking her hand. 

„I don’t know how well you know Marlene, but I’ve known her for more than ten years. I know how she manipulates people to get what she wants. You wouldn’t even notice it,“ you said and she sighed. 

„I’m gonna think about it,“ she said finally and you gave her a small smile. 

„That’s all I ask about. Now how about you get upstairs and take one last long hot shower before we are on the road for days?“ You asked and she nodded, standing up and turning away from you to walk inside the house before she turned back to you and hugged you quickly.

After saying good night to Ellie later you walked towards your daughters room, her little suitcase for her toys laying open next to her bed, waiting for Sluggi to be put into the next morning. She was already in bed, Joel sitting on the floor next to her, reading to her. 

You wished you could take a picture of this. Unfortunately the Polaroid camera had broken earlier this year. 

„Mommy!“ A tired Ava smiled as she saw you, her arms raised towards you. Joel looked up and smiled at you as you walked over, climbing into the bed behind your daughter, pulling her into your arms. 

„What story is Joel reading you?“ You asked. 

„The little mermaid,“ she said and you found Joel’s eyes. You had been thinking about it for the last days now. Telling her who Joel really is. He slipped into your life like the missing piece, the man you had fallen in love with all these years back seemingly falling right back into his role as being the best father there ever could be. 

So before you could talk yourself out of it you said

„Your sister loved that one too.“

Joel gulped, his eyes growing sad for a moment, before he looked at Ava. 

„I have a sister?“ She asked you, her eyes big.

„Mmmh…. Her name was Sarah. She watched the movie every single night before she went to bed,“ you explained and Ava pursed her lips in an ooooh motion. 

„There was a movie?“ She asked in awe.

„Oh yeah there was. And a cassette with the music. Can’t remember how often she made me listen to it“ Joel said and smiled softly. 

„Where is Sarah?“ Ava asked and your smile went sad. 

„She’s where Uncle Bill and Uncle Frank are. Watching over us,“ you explained and she hummed. 

„I wish I could hug her,“ she whispered and you nodded, tears in your eyes, squeezing her against your chest, your hand reaching out Joel’s hand finding yours as you kissed her forehead, looking at him who had tears in his eyes. 

„Me too baby. Me too,“ you whispered before taking a deep breath.

„You know Joel is her daddy,“ you finally said and she looked at you. 

„He is?“ She asked and you nodded. 

„I bet he is the best daddy,“ she sighed and you chuckled at Joel’s cheeks turning pink. 

„Yeah he is. What would you say if I tell you that Joel is your daddy too?“ You asked and her big eyes looked at you first and then her head turned towards Joel. 

„My daddy?“ She asked and both you and Joel nodded with a smile, her smile getting wider, before she jawned.

„I always wanted a daddy,“ she whispered before her eyes dropped close. 

You were walking down the stairs to Bill's basement after you showered, finding Joel checking if he could manage to take any more guns. The supplies had all been packed into the truck already, but he just couldn’t bring himself to leave anything of value behind. 

He looked up when he heard your footsteps, giving you a small smile. 

Walking over to him you were surprised when he reached for you, pulling you into his lap, one of his arms looped around you, his other hand on your cheek, his fingers brushing over your skin. 

„I didn’t know you were gonna tell her,“ he whispered and you smiled. 

„She deserves to know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell her sooner. If I would have stayed you wouldn’t have missed so much…“ he stopped you by kissing you softly. 

„None of that. We both know I would have fucked this up. I would have said some really fucked up things and hurt you even more. So, there’s nothing you have to be sorry for, okay?“ He looked at you, his eyes pleading. 

You released a long breath, bringing both of your arms up to cross behind his neck. 

„Have I told you lately that I love you, Joel Miller?“ You whispered with a small smile that he mirrored. 

„Don’t think so. But I don’t blame you, I gotta say it a lot more often than you to make up for all the years I didn’t tell you. I do love hearing it though. Love you,“ he mumbled before he kissed you again. His lips moving on top of yours slowly, his hand tilting your head up a little so he could deepen the kiss. 

With a little sigh you parted your lips for him, his tongue dipping into your mouth, a deep moan coming from him, his arm pulling you closer against him. 

There had been lots of making out in the last days, stolen kisses when the girls weren’t in the room, secret touches under the table while you had dinner. 

But you haven’t slept together. 

And you were ready. 

„Joel,“ you mumbled, parting from his lips. He hummed, his lips running down your jaw. 

„We aren’t gonna be alone for a while,“ you whimpered, your head tilting up to give his wandering lips some more space. 

„What are you proposing?“ He asked, playfully nibbling on your neck. 

„I’m proposing that you fuck me, Miller. Right here,“ you gasped when you felt his other hand slip between your legs. 

„Right here?“ He asked, his fingers over the seam of your slick panties. 

„Mmmmhh….“ You closed your eyes, biting your lip when he pushed the fabric to the side, his fingers dipping between you slick folds, lazily teasing you. 

„All that for me?“ He asked and you opened your eyes, crashing your lips against his. 

„It’s been almost four years Joel. Please don’t tease me,“ you whined and his eyes softened before he picked you up and set you down on the table behind him. Within the next minutes you were both naked, your hands in his hair as you kissed him as he stood between your parted legs, the heavy weight of his cock resting against your stomach. 

„Gonna need to prepare you,“ he hummed, his hands on your ass. You shook your head. 

„Please just fuck me. You know I can take it,“ you whined, one of your hands wrapping around his cock, making him hiss. He groaned, sucking your bottom lip between his before he slapped your hand away, his dark eyes fixed on yours as he held his hand out to you. Waiting. 

Feeling your whole body heat up you spit in his hand and the left corner of his mouth twitched. 

„My good girl,“ he praised you and you couldn’t stop whimpering. 

He brought his hand down to wrap it around his cock, coating it in your saliva, before he lined himself up. You had dripped on the table you were sitting on, more than ready to take him. 

„I love you,“ he whispered and you looked at him with a soft smile, your lips parting when he slowly pushed his cock into you. Filling you inch by inch, both of you starring into each others eyes. 

„Missed this,“ you moaned. 

„Missed you,“ you crossed your legs behind him, giving him a little push, his cock finally filing you up completely. 

„Fucking Perfect,“ he groaned kissing you again before he began to move, pumping into you slowly. 

You let yourself fall back down against the table, stretching your arms over your head, your back arching, your tits moving every time Joel fucked into you. 

He licked his fingers, bringing it down between your legs, his thrusts getting harder as he rubbed your clit, your pussy clenching around him. 

„Yes… Baby… Just like that….“ You moaned, your hands coming down to play with your tits. 

„You gonna be a good girl and cum for me?“ He asked, moving faster, his skin slapping against yours every time he moved.

Nodding, you moaned, your eyes rolling back as you came, your whole body shaking as he fucked you through it. 

„Shit….“ He groaned, both of his hands now coming to rest on either side of you as he leaned down, fucking into you deeply, chasing his own orgasm. 

„Want you to cum again,“ he grunted, kissing you, drilling his cock into you, the whole table moving over the floor. 

„Want you to cum inside me. Let me feel you,“ you whimpered, your hands in his hair, trying to meet his thrusts. 

„Fuck that is…. Not a good idea….“ He laughed and you grinned. 

„I don’t care. Wanna feel you. Cum for me, Joel. Cum inside me,“ you whispered and he groaned, fucking into you a half dozen times more before you felt him twitch inside of you, filling you, making you cum for a second time. 

Both out of breath you looked at each other before Joel leant down and kissed you. 

„Sleep in bed with me?“ You hummed against his lips. 

„As long as you let me,“ he answered against your lips before you both sneaked upstairs. 

Against all odds after six days of a rather boring trip across the country you reached the radio tower in Cody. And two days later a group patrol of people on horses found you, asking you all kinds of questions before a man pulled the bandana that had been covering his face down, revealing Tommy Miller in the flesh. 

By now you were living in Jackson for almost a year. 

Ellie had decided to stay and live her life, the constant threat of someone looking for her still on the horizon, but it was decided that the town was not in immediate danger. Patrols kept an eye out for fireflies, but they haven’t spotted anyone. 

You were living a happy life all things considered. 

Ava went to pre school, Ellie went to normal school. They really became sisters in the last year, spending a lot of time together. 

Even though Ellie started to spend more and more time with a girl called Dina you suspected was more than just a friend. 

Joel was always working on improving the house. 

He had changed the most, back to the man he had been before the outbreak. Yes, he still was the protector when he needed to be, but most of the time he was just Joel. Your husband. 

„Yellow?“ He asked, holding the can of paint up.

You walked over to him with a smile, nodding.

„It’s a happy colour. I like happy colours,“ you shrugged and he chuckled, setting the can down on the floor before he put his arms around you, pulling you against his chest.

One of his hands came to rest on your growing belly, the baby inside kicking up a storm as if it could sense their dads hand, making you both smile. 

„Still think it’s gonna be a girl?“ You asked and he nodded, before he kissed you softly. 

„Think I’m meant to be surrounded by beautiful girls,“ he hummed before he kissed you again. 

[brighttears]

Cleardune Chapter 5: What You Do to Me

Joel Miler x f!reader

no physical description, no use of y/n

Summary: Joel fulfills his promise of meeting you at the bar this morning, and he both wins the hearts of the regulars in the saloon (plus yours), and meets your father, though the exchange is short and effectively meaningless. Finding yourself off of work early, you agree to Joel’s request of meeting him in his room at Stowie’s. He asks you to dance, and it ends in a lot more than that. 

Word count: 5.1k

Warnings: smut smut smut, fingering, cunnilingus, multiple orgasms, lotsa praise, finger sucking, pet names (darling, pretty thing, pretty girl, honey, baby, my girl)

A/n: some real tender loving in this chapter. 3k words of it is smut. What can i say!!!

Series masterlist

—

You awake with mixed feelings, a wisp of dread rising with you from the conversation at the bar, but you pass your fingers over your lips at the memory of Joel’s and the words you shared later in the night. There’s a jump in your chest at both, the butterflies confused with themselves. 

With a huff, you stand, deciding that nothing is promised but his seat at the bar today—that’s all you’ve got, so that’s what you’ll take. And just like that, a smile is back on your face as he slides into his seat in front of you. 

“Sleep well?” He asks with a smile just as bright. 

“Like a rock. How about you?”

He nods, “Didn’t move an inch until after sunrise.” 

You nod back. “Think we both needed that.”

“You can say again. You were straight outta gas yesterday. Can’t say I felt much better.”

“Mhm.” You nod, then pushing the dreary bits of yesterday out of your head by remembering that here he is now, with that glorious smile aimed right at you. 

After a moment of just smiles, he leans in. “Say, you think you’ll get off early today?” 

You shrug. “Hope so.”

“Well, if you do,” he cocks his head towards the door, “why don’t you take a walk. I’ll come find you.”

Slowly, you grow a grin. “I will.” 

“Alright.” He leans back and taps the bar absently with a boyish grin if his own. “Til then, though,” he leans back in, “mind if I keep bothering you for a little while longer?”

“Not at all.” You smile back, “In fact I’d very much like that.”

“Good,” he adjusts himself into a comfortable position before starting, “cause I have a story I meant to tell you about a horse I met out East.”

Soon enough, he’s caught the ear of everyone else in the room, even the pianist, and the saloon is alive with laughter over Joel’s story about a stallion he met on a ranch back East who would buck off everyone except women. Your face is hurting behind the bar, both from laughing and simply being unable to stop smiling, watching the way he gestures as he talks, watching the joy he’s bringing to all these faces, and by the time he’s done, you’re absolutely smitten.

At the sound of creaking steps, every head that knows who’s coming turns with falling smiles as your father shows his face. 

“What’s all this racket?” He grumbles, barely bothering to look up as he enters the saloon. 

After a pause, James Brooks, the man who moved to town only a year ago and has therefore only heard stories of the hurricane that your father used to be, speaks up. “Just enjoying a story that the new feller in town had to tell.”

Joel offers a friendly smile, “Name’s Joel Miller, good to meet you. Gotta say, this is the nicest saloon I’ve seen in a while.” You’re not sure if that’s even true, but you silently applaud his affable choice for his first encounter with your father. 

“Welcome to Cleardune.” He greets Joel halfheartedly as he makes his way behind the bar. Then, as if he just doesn’t want you in such a bright room, he tells you as he passes, “Done for the day. Dishes and floors.” You nod, knowing that you cleaned the floors just a couple days ago, but still happy to have the rest of the day to yourself. As he turns away to find a rag to shove in his back pocket, you look at Joel, catching him watching for your father to have his back turned before cocking his head towards the door, mouthing “Stowie’s”. You read his message, telling you to meet him at the inn when you get the chance, then nod once before rounding the corner of the bar to head upstairs. 

With only half of the chores Pa asked you needing to be done, you force yourself to stall, desultorily sweeping the clean floor. When you can’t stand it anymore, you straighten yourself up in the mirror, then bound back down the steps into the saloon.

“I’ve finished my chores, Pa—Winona’s asked me to help her a bit, so I’ll be out for the day, but dinner will be on time, promise.” You say as you pass through, not waiting for a reply, knowing he won’t give a damn as long the meal isn’t late. 

“Hey, Winona,” you greet her as you enter the inn, no longer caring that she knows you’re coming to see Joel.

“Afternoon, honey pie.” She smiles back, though you catch a smirk and teasing edge in her voice. 

As soon as your steps come to his door, as if listening for them, Joel swings the door open, a grin on his face. “Long time no see, darlin’. Come on in.”

With a wide smile stuck on your face, you stroll in, leaning against the door after closing it behind you, hands clasped behind your back. The butterflies in your stomach seem to be loyal to Joel, waking to dance at his presence. 

After a pause, Joel suddenly breaks the silence, looking you up and down through half lidded eyes, ghosting a smirk. “When’s the last time someone asked you for a dance, darlin’?” This gets you so bashful that you can’t help but hide in a look to the floor. 

“Not since I was a girl.”

“Really? That long, this pretty thing hasn’t gotten asked to dance?”

“Really.” You confirm, looking up with a shy smile. 

“Well then,” he tilts his head back, putting his hands on his hips before taking slow steps to you, “I guess I outta fix that.” Smirking, he bows slightly and offers his hand, “Bless me with a dance, darlin’?” 

Caught, you stand for a moment, swarmed with that feeling of love and adoration, devotion and reverence, peace, warmth, safety. Newly, too, is confidence and self assurance. As you place your hand in his and he pulls you to him, shifting your hand up with his, the other resting on your waist, you get that feeling of being at home.

“But there’s no music,” you say quietly, as if you thought it mattered, still stuck in the love that feels like it's seeping from your very pores. 

“Don’t need any. Just thought it’d be nice to hold you like this.” He replies just as quiet, a serene smile on his lips as he starts to guide you into a slow waltz. 

Humming in response, you try to bring some focus to your feet, genuinely out of practice with it, but within ten seconds you’ve already stepped on his feet twice. Like it happens so often, embarrassment barely has time to rear its head before Joel chuckles it silent, offering, “Here, go on n’ just step your toes on mine. I’ll guide you.” Though unsure, you follow his suggestion, placing just the tips of your feet on his. You're immediately relieved by the repositioning, both because you don’t have to worry about your clumsiness, and because it brings your bodies naturally closer, now almost cheek to cheek with his arm around your waist, hand resting comfortably in his. 

For a long time, you stay like this, the only sound your breaths and the quiet creaks of the floorboards as Joel waltzes you in his arms, measured, soothing, endeared. 

“You’re so special.” Joel drawls, breaking the silence in almost a mumble, though you’re close enough to hear it clearly and have it crystalize in your mind and memory and carve into the surface of your heart. “Swear, never met a woman who made me feel like this.” In the pause, you smile, but his next words tack a fracture into it. “Kinda scares the shit out of me, pardon my language.”

Quitely, you question, “Scares you? Why?”

“Feel like I don’t have much control sometimes, when I’m with you.” He replies, and in his voice is a subtle but noticeable glint of vulnerability. “Like that kiss.”

“Well, I liked the kiss.”

“But what if you didn’t?”

“Well, doesn't matter much now, does it?” You counter softly.

“Guess not.” He pauses, then lilts, “Still.”

It makes you pull back to look at him, toes still resting on his as you regard his face, trying to pick out subtleties to add to your Joel Miller dictionary. “I scare you?” You question further, a tad concerned. Fear is towards the bottom of the list of feelings you aim to bring out of him. Also, what could you have done to make him scared? All you’ve done is be at his mercy, predominantly in an emotional sense, but it’s not like you’ve ever thrown yourself at him.  

“Not you darlin’,” he chuckles, “one of the things I like about you is that you wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s just what you do to me that scares me.”

“What I do to you?” The sentiment is admittedly thrilling, though vague.

“Like I said, make me feel like… I dunno. Sometimes it’s like I don’t know up from down when I’m with you.”

“I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Guess I don’t really, either. Doesn’t matter much right now, though, does it, so long as my feet know up from down.” He whispers with a smirk. 

“I think you’re doing a fine job.” A smile rises to your lips, and you admit, “You make me feel like I’m just floating.”

“Do I, now?”

“Yes you do, Joel Miller.”

In the pause, he cracks into a small grin, cheeks appleing. “Well, you do too, darlin’. Didn’t mean to make it sound like all you do is scare me.” He pauses, studying your face, and then his voice comes out soft as silk, “You make me feel… like nothin’ else matters. The past, the future, nothin’. Don’t think about nothin’ else but you when I’m with you.”

“Really?” Rapted, hearing that you’re not the only one so taken by the other, it comes out in almost just a breath. 

“Really.” He nods slowly, eyes lazy as he gazes at you under his lashes and smile just as lazy. “Like I said, you’re special. Like nothin’ else. North, south, east, west,” he punctuates with his boxed steps under your feet, “never had anything like you.” 

All you do is look at him, stuck in awe at his words. I love you tempts your lips, but your teeth land on your tongue before you even have to ask them to. 

It’s a grim sentiment, how off limits that truth feels, but it’s stuck in your head, especially after him saying that you scare him, in a way. Those three words might just be the spurs in his sides. So, you let them sit, and just take this in instead—the way he holds you, the way he looks at you, the whole scene mild and fond, washed in warm daylight.

“And, man…” he shakes his head lightly, “every time I see that face… swear, darlin’, your smile’s like watchin’ the sun rise. And that voice you got on you,” he lets out a slow whistle, “ooh, mama.”

Finally, your awe cracks in a chuckle, blushing. “You're making me all red, you bastard.”

“Let me see it, darlin’.” Joel coos back, the following smile almost smug. “I’m just soakin’ up the fact that I can do that.” Then, he gets that look in his eyes, “Love gettin’ you all flustered.” He hums, “God damn, woman.” And his voice lowers, “You’re killin’ me. An’ you know what, it feels just too damn good.” His voice is nothing more than a whisper at the end, your faces drifting closer and closer before they meet in a kiss. 

Like all the ones before, Joel starts it tender, never first with lust, but with care. But inevitably, the hunger comes, his arm tightening around you, pressing your bodies together. When his tongue comes into play, he stills the waltz, instead wrapping both arms around you. After only a moment, he pulls away to almost roughly place you back on the ground and press you against the dresser next to the door, licking into your mouth, grip firm on your waist. Automatically, you widen your legs, resting a thigh on the short dresser, and wrap your arms around his neck. His hips meet yours, and a small hum vibrates against your lips.  

“Anyone ever ate your pussy, darlin’?” He suddenly mumbles into your lips. It almost makes your eyes fly right open, both the abruptness and the idea. At it, though, you’re instantly wet. 

“No,” you mumble back, word almost lost back into his mouth. 

“Can I be the first?” He replies, voice low, and you’d almost be embarrassed if his hand slid down and felt how wet you already are. 

“Mhm,” you nod. Confident in the assumption that whatever he’s about to do will be nothing less than mindblowing, you reach down to start inching your dress up for him. 

“That’s it, darlin’,” Joel whispers, hand running gently up your thigh, featherlight touch trailing goosebumps. When he presses his fingers against your front, he hums into your lips, then pulls them away just enough to whisper, “So wet already, huh?” Not waiting for a reply, he starts to circle the digits over your clothed peak. “You like me that much, baby?” He whispers, “I make you feel that good?”

“Mhm,” you nod back, too distracted to be all that shy about the obvious effect he has on you.  

“Well, honey, I’m about to show you another new thing or two.” With that, he takes you by the waist, sweeping you over to sit you down on the bed, then lowering himself to his knees in front of you. His eyes are full of hunger as he kneels, hands running up and down the tops of your thighs, the fabric of your dress catching in his fingers. “Such a pretty girl,” he drawls, eyes big and dark and hungry. “You want me to eat your pussy?” All you can manage is a nod. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” 

Slowly, keeping his eyes on yours, he brings your dress up, holding it against one of your thighs with the other hand sliding back down between them, the fabric of your underwear already soaked under his fingers. He almost groans. “Take your dress off for me, honey.” He prompts, low and quiet, and as soon as the words leave his mouth, you lift it up and pull it off of you. “Oh, baby,” he breathes out, scanning your body before sliding his hand up to knead your breast, the other starting circles over your heat. Almost absentmindedly, your legs open further, a moan drifting out of you at his touch and the look of near awe in his eyes. “My pretty girl…” he whispers as he slips your panties down to your ankles and lowers his face in between your legs. 

The first lick is enough to make your mouth fall open, slow and heavy and warm, matched with his eyes still stuck on yours. He dips his head, pulling one long, flat tongued lick up, then starting to roll his head as he starts to kitten lick your clit. The teasing has your hips leaning into his mouth, and he slowly brings his hands to hold your thighs, the grip enough to tell you that you probably don’t know what’s about to hit you. 

And you’re right. The tip of his tongue circles and prods your clit, and by god his eyes have yet to leave yours, and you feel almost like prey as your hips roll and the moans start falling out. It’s a new sensation, the pressure, the angles, the pleasure. 

When he pulls away it brings a sigh out of you, but then he comes right back to slowly lick your entirety, over and over and over until you’re whining. 

“So sweet…” he whispers, pulling away again, lips wet, hot breath teasing your sensitive skin. “So sweet.” He repeats before he buries his mouth back into your pussy. When his focus switches back to your clit, licking and prodding and sucking, eyes never leaving yours, your entire body rolls your hips into his mouth, arms falling back to help keep you leaned up on the bed, open mouth pouring moans.

“Jesus, Christ, Joel,” you manage to utter breathlessly. 

He draws his mouth back with a wet thwap as his tongue flicks off of your clit and goes back into his mouth. “I could do this all day, sweetheart.” He whispers after a swallow. “And you know what…” his eyes travel down between your legs, up your torso, then back to meet yours. “I just might.” And with that, he’s between your thighs again, this time closing his eyes as his head bobs. The swirling pressure around your clit has moans skipping out of your throat and you grip the sheets. “I’m damn near addicted to you darlin’,” he pauses to mumble, but a whine is more than enough to call him back into your slick heat. 

When the moans louden, every second of his mouth bringing you closer and closer to a wall of pleasure, you slap your hand over your mouth, trying to help yourself out while knowing you’ve already done enough damage to Winona’s ears as well as whoever else might be in the building. But very, very soon, it doesn’t matter at all, because you’re cumming, moans long and muddled into your palm, legs clamping around his head, hand finding his hair to grip as your body rolls and stutters against his mouth. 

Finally, Joel breaks contant, and you loosen your leg’s vise from around his head so that he can peer up at you, his mouth, chin, and the tip of his nose wet, eyes big and fond. Then, as he slips his finger inside of you, watching your mouth fall open, he lets out a low, cooing moan. “Ain’t done with you yet, darlin’,” he curves his finger, rocking it slowly. “Ain’t gotten my fill yet.” His voice is soft, face softer, as if he isn’t half way into ruining you as his other hand wanders down your stomach, splaying over it as his thumb starts to work your clit at the same agonizingly slow pace that he takes inside of you. He talks over your mewling moan, “Gotta show you much I adore you.” Slowly, without breaking eye contact, he presses a soft kiss over your inner thigh, picking up the pace, “Wanna know how good I am to you,” his lips continue feather like pecks to your thigh as they begin to stutter at the flow of his hands. “I just wanna make you feel good, darlin’,” he whispers, punctuated by quicker circles on your clit and a deeper pressure on your walls, “just wanna make you feel good.”

“Yes, yes,” you mewl back with a nod, bottom lip quivering as your face turns up in pleasure, already feeling yourself climbing the hill as he works is magic. 

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” you nod again, biting your lip as the pleasure builds. Truly, it’s magic, what he does, with the two simple moves of his rocking curl inside of you and his thumb on your clit. But it’s not just that, it’s the look on his face, the focus, almost fascination, those big brown eyes locked on yours, his gentle words, the parting of his lips at each gentle roll of your hips, and the barely whispered mumbles stuck between them. 

Slowly, Joel takes his thumb away, sliding his flat palm up your belly, over your chest, ghosting your neck before hooking his finger into your mouth. Without hesitation, you take it in and swirl your tongue around it, and his eyes darken immediately. As he pushes it in deeper, the rest of his fingers cup around your jaw, the heel of his hand under your chin. 

“So good, baby,” he whispers, eyes focused on his finger in your mouth, “so good. So good t’me.”

Just as slow as he had removed his thumb, he dips his mouth into its place, pressing and swirling his tongue over your sensitive bud. When your eyes roll back in your head, he quickens the curl against your walls, and that slight adjustment lands the tip of his finger in a spot that forces a deep sigh out as your chest tightens in a flowery warmth. The feeling, forcing out breathy, almost absentminded moans, makes it difficult to keep your mouth suctioned around his finger. It’s something you’ve never felt before, a kind of pleasure that seems to take control of your body as your hips pitch into his fingers, each press of that button turning your eyes back into your head. 

And then he moans, causing a vibration against your pussy, and you're taken over by another wave of ecstasy. His hand falls out of your mouth as your head falls back, deep breaths heaving your chest as moans pour out, and you can’t even think, can’t even hear, just feel it, every detail of it magnified, each moan pressed there like a stroke of sweet electricity, and you’re completely taken by your climax. 

By the time you come down, you’re dizzy, swaying back and forth, arms barely able to keep you up as you lean them on the bed. 

“Holy shit,” you slur, out of breath. Joel, having taken his mouth away, chuckles. “Holy shit is right, darlin’,” he replies in a low tone, “you’ve got me almost beside myself.” And then, as you lower your gaze, you realize the hand that was at your face is now somewhere hidden between your bodies. The exhilarating assumption you’d made about it is then proven, “Couldn’t help myself, darlin’. I’m hard as a fuckin’ rock.” 

“Fuck me?” You question quietly, hips still rolling involuntarily at the finger that hasn’t quit its dance inside of you, a comforting warmth still sweeping through you at every curl. Joel shakes his head, though. “No, sweetheart��don’t get me wrong, the idea of fuckin’ the living daylights out of you is tempting, but I’m enjoyin’ this view too much. Don’t worry, darlin’, I can take care of myself just fine. Today’s all about you. Alright?”

“Ok,” you nod, not complaining, though now the idea of his fat cock inside of you is distracting, but it only makes you wetter, now a sopping mess. 

“But you do gotta help me out, darlin’…” he whispers, brows upturning in a subtle plea, “I need you to cum for me one more time. Jus’ one more time.” 

You nod, as if you had any say. Nothing could get you off of this bed right now. The curtains could catch on fire and you wouldn’t budge, wouldn’t even take your eyes off of him. It’s too good, it’s bewitching, you’re addicted. Life couldn’t get better than this, right here, Joel on his knees between your legs, hand around his cock, fingers in your pussy, with those big, puppy dog eyes focused only on you. 

“That’s my girl,” he whispers, suddenly adding two more fingers and quickening the hooks. “That’s my girl,” he says again over the moans that the movement prompts. Not having time to adjust, the way his fingers stretch you just the littlest bit turns you on even more, and you feel almost like an animal. 

“Oh, god, Joel,” you let our breathily, head falling back. “I—“ you catch yourself just before the L rolls through in your whisper, quickly shutting your mouth before I love you makes its escape, resorting to pressing your teeth down on the bottom lip sucked into your mouth. 

“Yes, baby,” Joel drawls, “say it again, say my name, honey, tell me how good I make you feel.”

“Joel, you make me so good,” you let out in a breathless whisper, the words cut by helpless moans.

“Louder.”

“So good, Joel, you make me feel so good,”

“Say it again.” He’s just as breathless as you, and when you finally bend your neck to look back down at him, you see his arm swinging faster, still hidden between your bodies. But you know what it means.

“You make me feel so good, Joel, no one’s ever done this to me, I’ve—I’ve never felt this good in my life,” the end is its own breath as Joel adds that special touch with his thumb, a messy massage over your nearly frail bud. “Fuck, Joel, don’t stop don’t stop,” you stagger out, eyelids fluttering, jaw dropped.

“Keep talkin’, baby, lemme hear my name comin’ outta those pretty lips,” he mumbles, arm swinging faster. 

“Joel, Joel, Joel, oh, god Joel,”

“Thas’ right… ‘s right,” he murmurs, eyelids fluttering as his hips rock forward, his own mouth falling open before he brings it back against you, tongue slathering the juices coating your center, as if the things he needs to get himself to cum is your taste.

Moans jump out of you at the thought, at the way he licks you up, and your hand flies down to seize a wad of his hair, both holding him there and unavoidably pulling him further in. Joel slips his fingers out of you to slap a hold onto one of your thighs, pushing it open and repositioning his head to have a better control of his mouth. Moans spill out of him, only furthering the intense pleasure of his mouth, hips rolling into his own touch, and when you can tell he’s cumming, you’re nearly panting. 

Once he’s finished himself off, he brings that warm, wet hand to your other thigh, now holding you open for him to work his mouth in a more strategic manner. And then, you’re hit with it, and a high, whining moan thrums up your throat, held between tight lips, head leaned back and eyes screwed up, a helplessly unrelenting grip on his hair as he presses his mouth over your pussy with his tongue focused on the most sensitive bit of you. 

And then you stop breathing, stomach tight as the exhilarated knot slowly unfurls, started the shaking at your thighs, quivering under his tongue and lips, before all of the muscles of your stomach tense and tremble, and even your feet shake, tapping the floor as you erupt in another succession of moans that this time bawl out of you. Joel’s fingers grip into your flesh, keeping you in place as he laps at your pussy, a mix of what must be cum and spit tickling a drip down your thigh.

“Oh, god,” you cry out as you climax for the third time, followed by mewls of his name as your legs squeeze around his head. 

When it becomes too much, you repeat, “Joel Joel Joel,” tapping his head to ask to give your tender skin a break. Finally, he pulls back, but as he does, he pushes your thighs further open, watching as your entrance pulses for him. He’s breathless, and seemingly speechless, mumbling incoherently as his eyes travel up your still tremoring abdomen, resting on your breasts, then finally to your eyes. 

The stuttering of your breaths are only reinforced by what you see in his gaze, his brows barely upturned, an amazing softness within the brown that’s almost overridden by the dilation of his pupils. Finally, he speaks, but it sounds as if he’s unaware of the fact that he is.

“Angel…”

Having to swallow first, your voice comes out near breathless, “Joel,” unable to find anything else to form out of your lips. Just, him. 

“Darlin’,” he returns, instantly reaching his arms out for you once he looks like he’s returned to earth. You fall into him, letting your weight rest against him with your chin hanging over his shoulder. Deeply, you sigh, still getting reverberations through you as your body begins to recover from the three act play that Joel put it through, not to say that you didn’t enjoy yourself—fucking saw god in it, actually. 

“Outta give you an award for that, sweetheart.” Joel says, running his hands up and down your bare back. “Bein’ so goddamn good for me. So good to me.” Slowly, he presses a kiss to your shoulder, proceeding to line your skin with them, and you sigh again in sleepy contentment. “I meant what I said, by the way. In case you thought I was just pussy drunk. You are an angel, and I do adore you.”

After this, you stay very still, leaning your full weight on him as his words flow through you. And that’s how you stay for a while, the only sound being his kisses over your shoulder, trailed to what he can reach of your neck. 

You could almost cry. 

After what probably wasn’t as long as it felt but still wasn’t long enough, Joel breaks the silence again. “Hey, we gotta get you back home now, honey.” He whispers, rubbing your back. “Don’t want your father to come out huntin’ for you.” 

Wishing he wasn’t right, you hum, pressing your face into his shoulder. “Ok.” You finally reply, but force him to be the one to make the first move of slowly leaning you back into a sitting position on the bed. 

More worn out than you expected to be, you stay motionless, eyelids drooping. He takes initiative, helping you back into your clothes by pulling your panties back up, and you raise your arms as he asks to slip your dress back on. 

“Alright, darlin’, up you come.” Joel pulls you up to stand, holding you close to press a kiss to your lips before letting you go, stepping behind you to gently push you towards the door with his hand on the small of your back. “Go on home now, get.” He teases, and you chuckle a groan, maundering. Chuckling behind you, he comes up to open the door for you. Then, leaning against the frame, he smiles, and smacks a final kiss to your lips before cocking his head towards the hallway. “I’m doing this for your own good, sweet thing.” 

Trailing a goofy smile as you do, finally, you get yourself to leave, taking a deep breath as you wander back into the foyer of the inn.

“Have a good evenin’ now, honey pie.” Winona calls to you from behind the corner, smirking. 

“You too.” You reply, smirking back, audibly too tired to be embarrassed.

The walk back home is all dragged feet, wishing the day was at its end. Despite your exhaustion, though, you feel like you’re floating, because he must love you, he must, he must, he must. 

[tlou-1]

Joel x Reader (Home) - Chapter 12

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6| Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13| Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 TBA

Chapter 12 - Big News (You share your news with your family and receive some bigs news of your own + wedding) 

Thankfully it didn’t appear your ankle or foot was severely damaged but the doctor had asked you to avoid putting weight on it and to revisit her in two weeks for a final once over. More importantly your family were elated by your and Joel’s news, Molly couldn’t believe you were actually settling down after all these years, the same for Tommy with Joel. The things about Jackson is, they tried to celebrate things as much as possible. It often gave people something to look forward to and revel in something joyful... in saying that these things could potentially get bigger than needed. 

A couple days later after the proposal, Joel and you are sat opposite each other on the sofa one afternoon, your legs resting a top of his enjoying the peaceful cosy day. You were looking at him for sometime, mulling over how you wanted to marry Joel Miller but in a way that suited you both. “Joel?” You say softly, he looks up from the book he was reading “hmm?” He replies his mind slowly rejoining the real world. 

“What if we were to get married soon?” You ask, pulling his book down further away from his face. 

“How soon?” He asks now looking at you. 

“In a week or two?” You shrug trying to suggest it as casually as possible. You explain your logic, in that the longer you leave it, the more things will get out of hand and people would have time to prepare. Neither of you were the big wedding type and neither wanted a fuss. Something simple in the church with a small group of people was more than enough.

“Damn - why didn’t I think of that?” He chuckles. 

“So you agree? Something simple, in the church just over a week from now? Say next Sunday?” you smile.

“Sounds perfect” he sighs and goes back to reading his book. 

The plan is simple, a small wedding in the church with your family and friends. Joel was to borrow a shirt and tie from Tommy and you planned on wearing the one dress you owned, it was not formal but it was the best you could do. Molly however had another plan for your dress, a few nights before the big day, you, Ellie and Joel had joined Molly and Jesse for dinner. At the end of the meal Molly stood up from the table and announced she had something to show you and Ellie and that the boys would have to keep themselves occupied in the meantime. In her spare room on the bed lay a dress, it was a cream sheath gown very simple and classic. 

“I need you to try it on so I can fit it properly to you” Molly said as she tied up her hair. 

“How did you - did you make this?” You ask overwhelmed. 

“Tried to, I have always been a dab hand with a needle and I had some help from the girls in town. We couldn't find any white material but I think this is pretty close. Even had some lace left over from a curtain to make a veil”. You couldn’t help but pull her into your arms and thank her. You didn’t want anything fancy but you did have to admit the thought of being so underdressed at your own wedding had been daunting.

The day before your wedding, you found Joel in the bathroom with a razor exceedingly close to his jaw. 

“Oh no - is the thought of marrying me really so bad or are you just worried about Tommy’s speech?” You sigh over dramatically, peering your head into the bathroom. Joel has a bit of a chuckle but goes back to focusing on the task at hand. 

“I am actually trying to shave this thing before tomorrow” he says inching closer to the mirror for a better look. He seems defeated when you approach him and slowly take the blade from his hand, “Please don’t” you smile up at him, running your hand along the ruff hair on his jaw.

“Why not? Everyone else is telling me I should. That I should be clean shaved for the day” he gruffs.

“Because, I want my husband to look like Joel Miler” you say giving him a kiss before putting the blade away in a drawer.

“Plus you look sexy with a beard” you joke as he playfully taps your ass as you leave the room.

“Trust it to start snowing on the one day I put on a dress” you joke standing in the hallway of the church. Everyone else except you and Jesse were seated, Maria had decided to set a few round tables out for friends and neighbours to sit, with your and Joel’s family seated together at the front on a long table. 

“You know most people would think that was romantic” Jesse laughed placing your arm in the crook of his. He asked if you were ready, ‘To marry Joel? Of course. To have everyone looking at me? Absolutely not’ you thought but you nodded and made your way into the church hall. The room had been adorned with fairy lights and kept simple like you had asked. 

After the short service you and Joel sat side by side while members of you family celebrated with you. As Tommy got up to give his speech which Joel had insisted he did not have to give, you took Joel’s hand under the table “Just relax, how bad could it be?”. Turns out pretty bad, even cracking jokes about Joel’s first wedding years ago that just didn't quite land but that somehow made it all the more funny. 

Ellie got up from her seat and cleared her throat as though she were about to give a follow up speech but Joel quickly sat her back into her seat “I don’t think I can take another one Kiddo”. Maria announced it was time for your first dance together as Mr and Mrs Miller, “But we didn’t pick a song?” You whispered in Joel’s ear as you make you way to the centre of the room. 

“We didn’t but I thought you wouldn’t mind if I picked for us” he pulled you in as the music started playing. Crazy Love from your Van Morrison record started playing. 

“A very nice choice Mr Miller. If I remember correctly this played the first night we spent together” you smile.

“It was Mrs Miller and we will spending tonight and every other night together from now on. I am going to feel a little bad taking that dress off you later though, you look stunning” he whispers and you can feel his breath on your neck as you both slowly sway to the music.

You settle into married life pretty quickly, not much changes it turns out except Joel occasionally calling you wife and you calling him husband. “You best make a call at Dr.Henry’s this morning” Joel called to you as you began putting your boots on to take Bruce out. You groan “Joel, I am perfectly fine. You know that”. 

“Oh I know that darling but if you could just let Doc know that, maybe she will stop asking me to send my wife across for her final check up” he jokes but you agree to go. 

“How’s the foot feeling?” Dr. Henry asks, she was a kind and warm women not much older than you. 

“It’s honestly much better now, thank you so much for taking a look at it a couple weeks ago” you fake a smile. You felt bad but you hated being examined and wanted to leave the room as soon as possible. 

“That’s good to hear, that’s good” she trails off. 

“Great, do you mind if I get going?” You say quickly pulling your socks and boots back on before she can try and examine anything else like last time. 

“Y/N, your foot isn’t why I asked you to come visit me. The last time I ran a couple different tests just to get a general view of your health” she sits down next to you. 

“Yes I vaguely remember you sticking a needle in my arm and asking me to pee in a cup Doc. Please don’t make me do that again” you whine which makes the doctor laugh.

“No, it’s actually about the results from last time. I had a look at the samples and well - well you are pregnant”. She explains.

You feel what you thought was a knot in your stomach, but in a second you realise that knot was potentially a baby. 

[soulofapatrick]

Comfort in Silence - Joel Miller x Reader

Summary: After a particularly tough day, you and Joel sit together in silence, taking comfort in each other's presence. You both understand that sometimes words aren't necessary, and the silence speaks volumes

Words: 1.4k

Warnings: None 

Notes: this is a test for me to see if I can write a story with no words - feel free to give me constructive criticisms 

Y/N’s POV

I’m so exhausted when I collapse face down on my bed, my muscles aching and body screaming. Another day of patrols in Jackson has left me feeling drained, more tired and drained than usual. It's a tough job, but it needs to be done and usually it’s a fun job, getting to see new places not seen before. I love experiencing the quiet peace the once bustling places now hold, relics of the past frozen in time with no one but us to admire it now. 

As I lie there, face buried in my pillow, I can't help but think about all of the things that went wrong today. I was on patrol with Tommy and we encountered some kind of infected that we had never experienced before. Infected are always aggressive but these… they were more aggressive than usual, and we had to fight for our lives more than usual to make it out alive and upon getting back Tommy told me to go home so he could report the losses to the leader of Jackson and his wife. We had lost some valuable supplies in the process, having made a run for medication, and it's going to be hard to replace them.

I close my eyes, letting out a groan and try to let go of the stress and tension of the day but my mind won't stop racing. I can’t help but think about the people who won’t be able to get the medical attention they need because Tommy and I couldn’t do our job properly, the families who rely on us to keep them safe and how we let them down. I can’t help but wonder if we're doing enough, if we're doing it right. A knock at my door snaps me out of the self doubting. As I turn my face towards the sound I see Joel standing in the doorway, his broad shoulders filling the frame. He's wearing his usual attire - a plaid shirt, jeans, and boots - but there's something different about him tonight. Maybe it's the way he's standing, with his arms crossed and a concerned expression on his face, or maybe it's the way his hair is slightly disheveled, as if he's been running his hands through it in frustration. 

Despite my exhaustion, a small smile tugs at the corners of my lips as I take in the sight of him. Joel has always been a source of comfort for me, even in the toughest of times. And right now, after a long and hectic day of patrols, I need that comfort more than ever as I picture Maria having to tell the families the supply run was a failure. I was a failure. Joel doesn't say anything, he never has to as his actions always speak louder than his words. He sits down on the bed next to me and I can feel the warmth of his body, the steady rise and fall of his breath. We don't need words to communicate. We just sit there in silence, and it's enough. We both know that sometimes, after a tough day, words aren't necessary. Sometimes, it's just about being there for each other, about taking comfort in each other's presence. 

I shift myself up and lean my head against Joel's shoulder, relishing in the comfort of him putting his arm around me. We stay like that for a while, lost in our own thoughts and it's a peaceful silence, a reassuring silence. The rough pads of his is fingers gently rubbing small circles on my arm, and it's as if the physical contact is enough to communicate his love and support. My eyes slip shut, taking in the feeling of his warmth and strength. His heartbeat is steady and strong, and I can feel it reverberating through his chest and into my own. I take a deep breath, feeling the tension and exhaustion of the day slowly dissipating as I sink into the safety of his embrace. 

I snuggle closer into him, feeling the softness of his shirt against my cheek. It's a simple moment, but it's one that I will hold onto and cherish, knowing that the bond between us runs deep, and that no matter what comes our way, we will always have each other. The day's exhaustion weighs heavily on me, and with Joel holding me I let the silence lull me into sleep, not remembering the last time I felt so relaxed and content. 

Joel’s hold on me is firm but gentle, and I feel him shift us so we’re laying down again and adjusts our position so we’re both comfy. His large, calloused hand runs soothing circles over my back still while my face is buried in the crook of his neck and I feel my body relax even more. In this moment, there's no need for words. Our actions speak volumes, and I feel the depth of his care and concern for me. I’m safe and Joel’s here, holding me close and tight as if trying to protect me from the doubtful thoughts that try to poison the peace. Before I can fully succumb to the sleep that has her claws deep in my mind, I feel more than hear Joel begin to hum a gentle tune.

His deep voice is soothing and calming, the vibrations from his chest reverberate through my body, lulling me into a deeper state of relaxation. I feel myself melting into his embrace more than I thought possible, my muscles loosening until I feel like jello in his arms as I become completely at ease in his arms. The hum of his voice becomes the only sound in my world, and I let it wash over me, transporting me to a place of warmth and comfort. As I drift off into a dreamless sleep, I feel grateful for this moment of pure contentment, and for the man whose presence beside me brings me such peace. 

------

I’m woken by the morning sun streaming in through the open curtains and to the warmth of Joel's body next to mine, turning around as quietly as I can to see him still sound asleep. His face relaxed and peaceful in slumber despite the lines etched into his face from years of survival in this harsh world, in this moment, he looks so much younger and carefree. I take in the way his chest rises and falls with each breath, and the way his lips part slightly as he exhales. 

Before I stop myself I’m reaching out and gently brushing the few strands of his fluffy salt and pepper hair off his forehead, and he stirs slightly in his sleep. I hold my breath, afraid I might have woken him up, but he settles back down without fully waking. A strange sense of peace and contentment wash over me, being here with Joel like this feels so right and I know without words that we both feel the same way. I take a risk, hoping I’ve read every action in the past between us correctly and lean in slowly, placing a soft and innocent kiss to his lips. As I pull back, he stirs again, this time his eyes flutter open for those warm honey orbs to meet mine. 

We hold each other's gaze for a moment, before a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips and I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding. Without saying a word, he pulls me closer to him, his arms wrapping around me in a warm embrace and in that embrace, we both silently accept the feelings of romance that have been brewing between us for so long. We don't say anything, and we don't need to. We both understand what just happened, and we're okay with it. We share another small smile before snuggling closer to each other, our bodies entwined. 

The moment feels almost too perfect, and I don't want it to end. But I also know that we have to face reality and get up eventually but for now, we just lay there, basking in the afterglow of our kiss, enjoying the warmth of each other's presence, and the unspoken bond that we now share with a silent promise to never leave each other alone.

----------------

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[psychotherapyconsultants]

8 Foods that Boost Your Mood

What we eat might not be able to cure us indefinitely from depression. I learned that hard lesson earlier this year. However, researchers are compiling strong evidence that what we eat can influence our risk for developing depression and can keep persons in remission from possibly relapsing.

Eating better foods has certainly helped my mood and allowed me to get by on less medication. A 2014 review published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition examined the link between diet and depression risk and found that a diet consisting mainly of fruit, vegetables, fish, and whole grains was significantly associated with a reduced risk of depression.1 There are certain foods that are especially good for augmenting mood. Here are eight of them.

1. Fish

Oily, fatty fish like salmon, tuna, and sardines are great sources of omega-3 fatty acids, which enhance aspects of brain function, including mood, and can protect against depression. In a large Norwegian study of 22,000 people, participants who took cod liver oil were 30 percent less likely to have symptoms of depression than the participants who did not take omega-3 fatty acids.2 Our brains are mostly fat, so we need enough omega fatty acids for optimal growth, development, and function of brain tissue. When the brain doesn’t have enough omega fatty acids, the structure of brain cell membranes and nerve connections are inferior, which leads to cognitive and emotional disorders.

2. Nuts

Nuts are loaded with important minerals that aid mental health such as selenium, copper, magnesium, manganese, and zinc. Walnuts are one of the richest plant-based sources of omega-3 fatty acids. They also help replace B vitamins, critical for mood. Brazil nuts have lots of magnesium, which helps calm the nerves, as well as zinc, an antidepressant element that combats anxiety. Almonds are very good sources of manganese and copper, two trace minerals that defuse free radicals produced within the mitochondria, the “powerhouse of the cell,” protecting us against disease and providing us with energy.

3. Yogurt

All dairy can be beneficial for depression because milk, cheese, etc. are rich in calcium, vitamin D, and specific peptides that promote relaxation. However, yogurt is especially beneficial because of its probiotics. In a 2013 study by UCLA researchers, participants who ate yogurt twice daily for a month showed lower levels of activity in the areas of the brain associated with pain and emotion and more increased activity in areas associated with decision making.3

I find the brain-gut connection fascinating. The 100 trillion bacteria housed in our gut, known collectively as our microbiome, can play an important role in our mental health. John F. Cryan, Ph.D. of University College Cork in Ireland, has conducted several studies that show that when the microbiome of mice is disrupted, they mimic human anxiety and depression.4 I drink Kefir every morning, which contains many probiotics, and I do think it has improved my mood.

4. Dark Leafy Greens

“Greens are the primary found group that matches human nutritional needs most completely,” explains Victoria Boutenko in her book Green for Life. They are nutrition powerhouses, packed with vitamins A, C, E, K, and folate; minerals like iron and calcium; carotenoids; antioxidants; omega-3s; and phytochemicals. Greens provide insoluble fiber, which is like a miraculous sponge, helping us to eliminate pounds of toxins regularly. They balance our pH levels, leaving our body more alkaline, and are a major source of chlorophyll, which, according to Boutenko, “heals and cleanses all our organs, and even destroys many of our internal enemies, like pathogenic bacteria, fungi, cancer cells, and many others.”

Dark leafy greens like kale, Swiss chard, and spinach also fight against all kinds of inflammation, and according to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry, severe depression has been linked with brain inflammation.5

5. Seeds

Seeds are some of Mother Nature’s best mood boosters. For example, pumpkin seeds are chock-full of zinc (containing 23 percent of our daily recommended value in just one once), which promotes emotional resilience because zinc deficiencies have been shown to be a factor underlying depression.6 They are also rich in magnesium, the calming nutrient known as the “original chill pill.”

Sunflower seeds are nutrient-dense foods, as well. They also contain lots of magnesium — a quarter cup provides 25 percent of the recommended daily value — and the specific kind of magnesium (magnesium sulfate) found in sunflower seeds has been known to have beneficial effects on patients with depression dating back 100 years. 7

In his bestseller The End of Dieting, Joel Fuhrman, MD, includes seeds among his G-BOMBS (Greens, Beans, Onions, Mushrooms, Berries, Seeds) — the foods with the most powerful immune-boosting and anticancer effect.

6. Green Tea

Green tea has been used for centuries by the Chinese and Japanese to promote digestion, regulate blood sugar, and for relaxation and mood benefits. It contains an amino acid, theanine, that calms the nervous system. A study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition showed that people who drink at least five cups or more of green tea daily experience less psychological distress.8

In another study published in 2011 of Phytotherapy, researchers reported the antidepressant effect of L-theanine in mice undergoing a forced swim test and tail suspension test. The antidepressant effect “may be mediated by the central neurotransmitter system,” says the abstract.9

7. Eggs

In her book Gut and Psychology Syndrome, Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride, MD, writes, “Eggs are one of the most nourishing and easy-to-digest foods on this planet. Raw egg yolk has been compared with human breast milk because it can be absorbed almost 100 percent without needing digestion.” Eggs are loaded with essential amino acids, omega-3 fatty acids, vitamins (A, D, biotin), as well as minerals like zinc and magnesium that help anxiety. They are a great source of B vitamins, especially vitamin B-12, which promotes development of the nervous system. Eggs also contain choline, an amino acid that serves as a building block for a neurotransmitter called acethylcholin, which aids cognitive and learning processes. Because they are high in protein, they stabilize blood sugar, which is critical for good mood, and keep you satiated longer.

8. Dark Chocolate

In a 2013 randomized, double-blind study published in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, researchers found that participants who consumed a dark chocolate drink mix for 30 days had “significantly increased self-rated calmness and contentedness relative to placebo.”10 In another 2009 study published in the Journal of Proteome Research, dark chocolate was found to reduce the stress hormone cortisol and help normalize stress-related differences in energy metabolism and gut microbial activities.

Dark chocolate contains large amounts of tryptophan, an amino acid that works as a precursor to serotonin, and theobromine, another mood-elevating compound.11 It also has one of the highest concentrations in magnesium in a food, with one square providing 327 milligrams, or 82 percent of your daily value. The higher percentage of cocoa, the better. Aim for at least 70 percent.

References:

Lai, J. S., Hiles, S., Bisquera, A., Hure, A. J., McEvoy, M., & Attia, J. (2014) A systematic review and meta-analysis of dietary patterns and depression in community-dwelling adults. American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 99(1), 181-197. doi: 10.3945/ajcn.113.069880

Raeder, M. B., Steen, V. M., Vollset, S. E., Bjelland, I. (2001). Associations between cod liver oil use and symptoms of depression: the Hordaland Health Study. Journal of Affective Disorders, 101 (1-3), 245-249. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2006.11.006

K. Tillisch, J. Labus, L. Kilpatrick, Z. Jiang, J. Stains, B. Ebrat, et al. Consumption of fermented milk product with probiotic modulates brain activity Gastroenterology, 144 (2013), pp. 1394–1401 401 e1-4

Mayer, E. A., Knight, R., Mazmanian, S. K., Cryan, J. F. & Tillisch, K. Gut microbes and the brain: paradigm shift in neuroscience. J. Neurosci. 34, 15490–15496 (2014).

Setiawan, E., Wilson, A. A., Mizrahi, R., Rusjan, P. M., Miler L., Rajkowska, G., Suridjan, I., Kennedy, J. L., Rekkas, P. V., Houle, S., Meyer, J. H. (2015) Role of translocator protein density, a marker of neuroinflammation, in the brain during major depressive episodes. JAMA Psychiatry 72, 268–275.

Grønli, O., Kvamme, J. M., Friborg, O., Wynn, R. (2013). Zinc Deficiency Is Common in Several Psychiatric Disorders. PLoS One, 8 (12). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3868572/

Serefko A, Szopa A, Poleszak E. (2016) Magnesium and depression. Pharmacological Reports, 29(3),112-119.

Hozawa, A., Kuriyama, S., Nakaya, N., Ohmori-Matsuda, K., Kakizaki, M., Sone, T., Nagai, M., Sugawara, Y., Nitta, A., & Tomata, Y. (2009) Green tea consumption is associated with lower psychological distress in a general population. American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 90(5): 1390-1396. doi: 10.3945/ajcn.2009.28214.

Yin, C., Liu, Y., Yin, X., Xhang, L., Jia, G., Zhuang, X. (2011). Antidepressant-like effects of L-theanine in the forced–swim and tail suspension tests in mice. Phytother Res, 25, 1636–9.

Pase, M.P., Scholey, A.B., Pipingas, A., Kras, M., Nolidin, K., Gibbs, A., Wesnes, K., Stough, C. (2013) Cocoa polyphenols enhance positive mood states but not cognitive performance: a randomized, placebo-controlled trial. Journal of Psychopharmacology, 27, 451-458. http://dx.doi.org/10.1177/0269881112473791

Judelson, D.A., Preston, A.G., Miller, D.L., Muñoz, C.X., Kellogg, M.D., Lieberman, H.R. (2013). Effects of theobromine and caffeine on mood and vigilance. Journal of Clinical Psychopharmacology, 33, 499–506.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/28/8-foods-that-boost-your-mood/

[luvrxbunny]

guys pls it’s my debut

soft

pairing: post-outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: Joel wants her, and she wants him. The bumpy story of how they got together!

warnings: 18+ MDNI, reader has hair that can get in her face, smoking (weed), drinking, lots of feelings, piv, unprotected sex, slight overstimulation, kinda subby Joel at the end (lmk if i forgot anything)

wc: 10.3k (idk how that happened im sorry)

a/n: I’m pretty proud of this one. ik its long but please just give her a chance!

It started with you and Joel both high and drunk out on the porch and he looked so beautiful. There was a perpetual smile on his face, laughing and even giggling at almost everything you said, folding himself over and leaning his head on you whenever he thought something was particularly funny and you couldn't control yourself.

The next time he leaned over you waited, watching, letting him calm back down but when he went to pull off of you, you pulled his head to yours. His breathing stopped short and it scared you until he groaned into your mouth. It was so many things, it was broken, grateful, desperate but savoring and you loved it. 

He placed his hand behind your head and held you in place as he pushed his lips further into yours. It almost hurt, the way he seemed to attempt to mold your face into one, but it was so perfect. When he pulled away you were out of breath, panting in his face as he did the same. You guys continued to exchange breaths as you scrutinized every aspect of his face.

Anxiety was clawing inside your stomach as you took him in, fearing that he may never let you ever again. His soft lips parted, and you watched his tongue slide into the indent on his bottom lip. You silently hoped he could taste your remnants on them as they froze, waiting for words to spill out. Only to be interrupted by Ellie slamming the front door open. 

“Can you guys fucking keep it down?! I have school, remember? You’re the one making me go!” She shouts at you both, directing the last part at Joel who was still staring at you. You were watching Ellie as she yelled but Joel’s silence brought your gaze back to him. You shouldn’t have because you feel like that’s when it happened. You swear you could see him blocking himself off from you, like a door was shutting in his eyes. He apologized to Ellie and said it was getting late. 

Now, usually, Joel insists on you sleeping on the couch, too worried to let you go home so inebriated but that night he sent you away. It was like he broke your heart. He shattered it and forced you to place the shards in your shoes as he pushed you away, pain shooting through your whole body with every step. 

You cried yourself to sleep that night, you thought things were over with Joel, and you’d lose touch with Ellie because it would be too painful to go over there.

Your paradise was ruined.

You couldn’t believe you had read the situation so wrong. You thought- worse case- he would tell you that you’re too young, that he just can’t be with you, for whatever reason. But the look in his eyes… the way he sent you home. It felt like he didn’t even care about you anymore. 

The next day you thought you had lost your mind. You were in a terrible headspace and decided to ditch your responsibilities. You were in bed, switching between sleeping and sobbing into your pillow. You felt horrible, you looked horrible and someone was knocking incessantly at your door. They would not leave, no matter how much time passed, no matter how loud you groaned. So you wrapped your blanket around you and very angrily made your way to the door. 

“Who the fu-” Your sentence is cut short in complete and utter shock.

It was Joel. 

You let the door swing open and walk back inside. You’re already climbing back into bed as you hear him shut the door behind him. “What do you want, Joel?”

 You’re lying down, wiggling a bit to get comfortable. In the corner of your eye, you can see him just standing there, his thick arms crossed over his broad chest. Your head almost turns as you hear him take a deep breath, wishing you could see the way his chest puffs up and stretches whatever shirt he’s wearing. But you don't. He’s not someone you should be admiring like this, he’s someone you cannot be admiring like this. 

“Oh my god. Don’t just stand there you know I fucking hate that.” Your voice is so irritated, so hurt and cold but he scoffs.

Anger and embarrassment courses through you but you feel the bed dip anyway, it eases the feelings.

You can feel him right beneath your feet, so close you almost want to straighten your legs a bit more, just so you can press against him. But you don’t. 

“Okay, then don’t curse… Y'know I hate that.” His voice is painfully normal, like nothing happened, like he didn't break you. You want to laugh- or cry- at the absurdity. The thought that last night meant nothing to him, so little that he’s over here asking you things like ‘don’t curse’.

Who does he think he is? That he can treat me like shit and then ask such trivial things of me? No. Fuck him. 

“Fuck you, Joel. You’re a dick, get out.” He takes a deep breath and then is silent for a moment. You hoped and prayed that he had given up but to no avail. 

“No, honey. I’m supposed to find out why you’re not out workin’.” You scoff at him and dig yourself deeper into the blankets. “Ar- are ya sick or somethin’?” At this you turn to him, looking him dead in the eyes, asking ‘Are you fucking serious?’ but he can’t hold your gaze.

Oh! So he does remember.

You laugh humorlessly and fall back into bed where you lie in silence, for quite some time. Until his hand comes up to your ankle, resting so gently you know he’s holding it up. He’s probably still thinking over whether he should do it or not, unaware that he’s already touching you. 

“Can- Well, I- I- I know that- fuck.” He’s so angry when he says it, frustrated with himself for not having the right words.

He never knows the right thing to say, or how to convey how he feels. He’s so scared of losing you right now, but he doesn’t know how to tell you in a way that will have you asking no questions. He can’t have you asking him anything because he knows you’ll ask him things that he’s nowhere near ready to answer. “Can you just- Can you please?” 

You waited for him to say more, expecting it, but that was the end of the sentence. He wanted you to ‘just please’.

The way he says it though, you look over at him and he’s gazing into you, his eyes so piercing that you almost feel uncomfortable. It feels like he’s prying into you, willing you to open up for him to express himself without having to actually say anything to you. 

You sit up and glare back at him, softer than before but still hot with rage. “Please, what.” He shakes his head and looks away from you, into his lap instead as his hand fully settles on your ankle. He keeps huffing out breaths, like he’s going to say something but then decides against it. You’re almost irritated with the sound until he takes a breath and follows it with words. 

“You- I need for yesterday to have not happened.”

Fuck him.

You hadn’t even gotten over the first rejection, the lack of care he showed and now here he was rejecting you again. “You must- You gotta understand why it can’t happen. Why we-”

You were trying not to tremble as he rubbed his hand over his face, trying to keep himself calm in the face of the extreme stress the whole situation was putting on him. Tears were welling in your eyes as he spoke, despite you squeezing them shut to avoid this exact issue. But it hurt just as much as it did last night, maybe more. “We just can’t. Not- I need for things to go back to normal… f- for now at least…”

You’re breathing froze, eyes snapping open to look at Joel, who was still looking in his lap. His hand left your ankle to meet his other fidgeting one as you both sat in silence. You could see him peeking at you from the corner of his eye as subtly as he could as you thought over his words.

You felt like you were on a game show. Do you double down or just take what you have?

‘I need for yesterday to have not happened’

‘I need for things to go back to normal’

His words hurt.

‘F-for now at least’

But those words… made it worth it. 

You didn’t want to push him. You know how hard it must’ve been for him to even express the little bit he did. Along with that, the thought of him noticing you weren’t around and coming to check on you was making its way through your cloud of hate. 

“Y-you sent me away…” Your voice isn’t hard anymore. It isn't soft either, it was just weak. You can see Joel grimace at it, turning away from you so you couldn’t see him. “Wh- You- you always let me stay but- you just-” You stop talking, if you kept going you would’ve started sobbing again. 

“I couldn’t let you stay, honey. The- I didn’t- I don’t have enough self-control for something like that to happen an’... I’m leaving you in the guest room? No. I would’ve- had to have- I… No, I-” He breathes out in annoyance again and you yearn to comfort him. But you don’t.

He always gets too frustrated with himself, making it even harder for him to clear his head enough to say what he wants. “I wouldn’t have been able to leave you there. I would’ve had to do somethin’ and I- I don't think that’s a good idea.”

You’re not completely satisfied with the answer, you have more questions now than you did before but you managed to collect one piece of information.

Joel wants you.

It wasn’t a flat-out rejection more like a, ‘let's put a pin in that’ and you have enough faith in him to believe he wouldn’t string you along. So you sniffle, put your big boy pants on as you wipe your tears, and tap Joel on the shoulder, turning his gaze to you. You take a deep breath and speak.

“Yesterday’s events are forgotten.” You say it with a light smile but you’re betrayed by one stray tear as it rushes down your face. Joel’s expression crumbles at it, in so much pain, so heartbroken at the thought that he had caused it. Despite his feelings, he nods at you and gets up. “Get ready. You’re in the fields today, darlin’.” He hits the door frame with a grateful smile before walking away to let you get changed.

Leaving you in your hopeful sadness. 

------------------------------------

Things were rocky at first. Neither of you were actually able to forget about ‘what happened’ as Joel so lovingly put it. You expected too much from him and he was still too cold toward you. For the first month, you guys were basically in an argument. It was as though the town couple, the gruff old man and the re-tamed angel, had broken up. 

Everyone knew that you were hooking up with Jared, he wouldn’t shut up about it. Joel and the townspeople had heard of his sexual conquests over and over since he arrived, before he set his sights on you.

When he first approached you, you had already gotten out of your ‘phase’ and were too captivated by Joel to entertain him for even a second. However, he was quite popular among the other town women, he was popular with women even before the outbreak so he couldn’t believe when you rejected him. Not that he was shocked, he fully did not believe you. In turn, he never stopped pursuing you… much like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

So when Joel broke you, you slipped back to how you were before him… You went to Jared. You don’t know if you were hoping he could put you back together or if you wanted him to help you cut Joel with the shards of your heart but the latter is what ended up happening. 

You wanted to cut it off with Jared the moment Joel found out. When Jared started parading around the town with you next to him as if you were genuinely interested. But you didn’t.

Instead, you kept seeing him for a few more weeks. You watched Joel avoid you like the plague, ducking out of every room you walked into, switching his jobs with people who had the worst ones just so he didn’t have to work with you. You enjoyed making him squirm, showing him that you could just move on if he’s not ready to step up. You were a highly sought-after woman, a piece of art who he wanted to keep in the garage until he found the right spot. No, you refuse. Until you came across him alone at the bar one night. 

He was obviously drunk, a beer in hand but his cheek on the table. There was a song playing that he was loosely singing along to. His other hand was in the air, waving his finger around like he was conducting an orchestra. You storm over to his booth. 

Watch him suddenly sober up and head home. Watch him suddenly remember some plans he made or something he forgot to do. Watch him just get up and leave me again. 

You sit down across from him and wait for him to notice you. You’re just watching him. His eyes are closed and his eyebrows furrow as he tries to hit each high note. He’s failing, not hitting them perfectly but still getting to an impressive pitch. It’s too endearing to see him like this, so open, unburdened.

You didn’t even know he could sing this well. Your anger and bitterness fades for the first time in weeks. Your head tilts and a soft smile invades your face, as if sensing this Joel finally opens his eyes. 

They’re so soft, probably because he thought he was alone, his guard is dropped. You’re waiting for them to go back up at the sight of you. But they stay so soft as he gasps gently. “Honey! Wha- When did you get ‘ere” His voice is softer too… not as rough and gruff as it usually is. 

He also doesn’t sound angry. After all he’s done to avoid you, you’d expect him to sound angry. You chalk it up to the alcohol. 

“I’ve been here. You just never noticed.” When your voice reaches Joel it's gentle, like how you’d speak to a child but not patronizing. He likes it. He swears he can feel your voice washing over him, running through his hair and caressing his cheek. He smiles at it, at you as a blush rises to his cheeks. 

“S-so you-” He looks down at the table, his eyes moving back and forth as he thinks. “Did you hear m-” You can’t help the laugh that slips out. Your hand comes up to cover your mouth but you’re still obviously smiling. “Oh.” That’s all he says as you let your laughs out. 

“I’m- Not laughing at you, Joel. I- I swear.” Laughs break up your sentence as Joel stares at the table. “Oh- I’m so sorry. God. You really didn’t notice me here! That’s what was so funny not your singing I swear.” You let out a little giggle at the end but Joel is frowning. 

“This s’why I don’ sing in front of no one.” He’s picking at the wood and grumbling to himself. You’d find it all incredibly annoying if it wasn’t Joel doing it. 

“Joel.” You’re stern but still gentle as you speak. “I told you it wasn’t your singing. The singing was great. I was so fucking impressed. I had no clue you could even sing like that.” You watch a smile creep onto his face as you praise his talent. He’s still looking at the table, wanting to stay angry but he can’t. Your smile widens the longer you watch him until he takes a swig of his beer. 

“Why are you so drunk?”

The words tumble out before you can stop them and Joel pauses mid-sip. He’s frozen like that before slamming it onto the table and looking at you. “ ‘M not drunk. ‘M not. But if I was…” He squints his eyes at you. “If I was- It’s probably cos the girl I want seems to want someone else.”

It feels like everything in the bar stops. Your breathing, your heart, the music, time, the world. Everything just stops. 

He got this drunk… over me?

He chuckles and finishes his beer as you sit there in shock. “Dunno why you’re doin’ all this. I know you knew. Jus’ thought-” He goes to take another sip and whines when there’s nothing. “Stupid fuckin-” He throws it across the room, astonishingly making it into the trash with a small mumble of ‘swish’. 

“Joel.” He turns back to you with a blank expression. “You never told me you liked me.” 

“Oh please.” His voice is mean, a bit sharp now. Your face contorts into one of disgust as he speaks. “You ain’t that dumb, honey. It was very heavily implied an’ you know it.” Your expression drops into a frown. His voice broke at the end, followed by a sniff and an aggressive rub from his sleeve over his nose. “B-but you’re still out there with fuckin’ Jared.” His voice shakes through the sentence, adding some anger at the end as you cringe at the sound of his name. You both were aware you didn’t have any honest feelings for Jared.

“Joel. You told me to pretend that… that night.” You look away from him, embarrassed at what should be a sweet memory. “You told me to pretend it never happened and then treated me like shit for no reason afterward. Certainly, you didn’t expect me to sit in that. There’s no way you thought I would tolerate it! So yeah, I went to get whatever affection I could, elsewhere since my best and main source ran fucking dry.” You can feel your anger towards him building back up as you speak, reliving the details of your guys’ downfall. It still hurt. 

“Certainly you didn’t- Why do you talk so damn proper?” He’s laughing to himself at his rendition of your voice but you’re nowhere near amused. You stand from your seat and look down at him, stopping his laughter instantly.

“Okay. Let’s talk about this when you’re sober, hmm? When you can be an adult? Stay on topic at least?” His brows furrow and his eyes leave yours. You stand there, waiting for him to respond but get nothing. “Cool, Joel. I’ll see you around then.” You sigh and turn away from him, disappointed.

The night had started so well, that you stupidly believed that you guys might be able to save your relationship. You should’ve known he was too drunk for the conversation but he shouldn’t have brought it up. If he knew he wouldn’t be able to have a serious conversation he shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. Now you’re both hurting all over again. He’s probably gonna grab another drink and you’re probably gonna go see Jared. 

“Please!” It’s frantic, desperate, and unsteady as it shoots out of his mouth. You freeze in your spot, halfway to the door and halfway from him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna talk about it. Why fuckin’ would I? It hurts. You fuckin’— You hurt me… prancing around with that piece of shit- All I did was ask you to wait… just wait- for me to be ready to love you.”

You’re still standing in the middle of the room, facing the door. His voice was getting louder, closer as he spoke but you don’t turn. You could hear the emotion bleeding into his words, breaking his voice as he approached you. 

“But you- You couldn’t even wait for me! No. No, you had to go get— ah how’d ya put it? Affection elsewhere- fuck off. You coulda just said you needed something from me. I could’ve given you affection.” His voice softened after cursing at you. It only grows softer as he speaks. You can feel him behind you, maybe a few steps away but you don’t turn.

You don’t wanna see him, lose your edge, your nerve. “I- I would’ve given it to you if I knew, darlin’. I was tryna keep my distance, waitin’ for you to get over me and look! You did. I- I just wish you had told me, instead of havin’ t’hear it from fuckin’— fuckin’ Jared.”

His voice dies down for a moment and you turn around. His hair is everywhere, he must’ve been running his hands through it as he spoke. His eyes aren’t teary but they look like he could cry at any moment, he looks tired and his lips are bitten red.

“I would’ve understood. Or- Or maybe I wouldn’t’ve I dunno. I just wish you woulda said somethi-”

You’re kissing him.

Fuck.

You are kissing him. You didn't mean to. You have no clue how your lips got to his but they’re all over them. He’s groaning at you, pulling you in as you pull away.

“Fuck! I’ve got to stop doing that… jesus.” You’re looking at the ground as you wipe his slobber off your mouth. He’s silent, panting as he just stands there and your heart starts to race. 

It’s just like last time. Fuck. Why the fuck do I keep doing this shit.

Tears are already welling in your eyes and you decide to speak before he can send you away. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that… I know you need time or whatever.” You pause, giving him room to say anything but he doesn't. You want to look up at him, see what he’s thinking, how he’s reacting. But you don’t. 

“Yeah… I’m gonna go.” You turn around and finish your walk to the exit. You grab the handle and stop. “I- I’m gonna cut things off with Jared…” You stay silent for a bit, trying to decide whether you should say your next words.  “I do need your affection though, Joel.” You rushed out the door after that.  

------------------------------------

You just want to fuck him already. It’s been months now, of this back and forth. To be clear, you do still want him romantically, how could you not? This man, when his hair is fluffy and soft just like him. When you see his expression now light up when you walk into the room. When he builds you little trinkets in the shop, instead of doing the job he was assigned to. When he makes your favorite for dinner after finding out that you’re having a bad day. When he plans movie nights featuring your favorites that he could find on DVD. 

How could you not love him?

It scares you. The “situation-ship” you both were currently in started a few months ago. Actually… It started exactly four months and three weeks ago. There’s no point in pretending you haven’t kept track. Joel told you that he needed time. You would have never expected it to be this much time but you’ve grown to love and crave him over the months.

He listened to what you said at the bar that night. He’s been giving you so much affection it’s actually making the other women in the community quite jealous of you. He hasn’t kissed you yet but he kisses your cheek, your forehead, and- when he’s drunk or high enough- your neck. You don’t kiss him anymore. You’ve kissed his cheek a few times over the months, his head once when he was sick but other than that you try to keep to yourself. You’re still a bit traumatized from his first rejection, the way it played out, and everything. You’d rather just not risk it.  

You’re in the garden and he’s in the field. You’re planting flowers, pulling and re-planting vegetables while Joel is harvesting the wheat he planted four months ago and tilling the land for the new seeds. You keep looking over at him, you really can’t help it at this point. 

The sun is shining through his hair, making it a dark golden color with streaks of white running through it. His arms are smudged from handling the dirt all day and his biceps flex repeatedly as he picks the kernels off of the wheat and throws them into his basket. His eyebrows are creased and his eyes squinted to avoid the burning light of the sun and he keeps looking over at you. He really can’t help it at this point. 

You look so beautiful, sitting on your knees with your adorably mismatched gardening gloves. Your hair falls so angelically every time you lean forward to lead a new plant to its home. Every time you sit back up you use the back of your wrist to try and shove the hair from your face, sputtering out, trying to blow the hair away and it's so endearing. Your arms are dirty and he feels the incredibly odd urge to bathe you. He’s ready to love you. He’s so fucking ready but he has no clue— not even the slightest— as to how he should tell you. 

The current supervisor calls it a day and you almost fall face-first into the plants in your scramble to get to Joel. He’s taking off his gloves, flexing and stretching his fingers when he sees you rushing toward him with a huge smile he can’t help but mirror. “Hey, darlin’. You look so beautiful today.”

You freeze where you stand which luckily isn’t too far from Joel. He makes his way over to you, watching your expression. He loves it so much, he doesn’t understand how he never noticed it before. The way you always take a deep, shaking breath, your eyebrows go inward and you give him this look. He doesn’t understand it yet but it always makes him ache for you, makes him burn somewhere in the depths of his being to just be with you. He doesn’t know how long he can resist it. He doesn't want to. He doesn’t.

“I’m- I think I really- I just really wanna kiss you.” You snap out of your daze and your eyes focus on him, hopeful for a moment then a little dull. You turn your head, give him your cheek, close your eyes, and wait for the gentle kiss but nothing happens. You slowly open your eyes and look at him, he looks scared. “I wanna kiss you.”

You can hear your heart speed up, your breaths getting shorter and your thoughts more jumbled.

He wants to kiss me?

You’re confused for a moment, not understanding what brought this on. You’re eyes slip from his contact as you lose yourself in your thoughts, not realizing the silence you’re creating or the anxiety you’re causing. But Joel realizes, he’s sweating more than he has all day as he waits for you to say something, do something. He shifts his weight from foot to foot before giving up. “We don’t have to… I just- I wanted to…” He tries and fails to keep the sadness out of his voice.

His words strike fear in you and you reach out to grip his arm, hoping it’s enough to stop him from walking away. “Y-You wanna kiss me? On the… on the lips?” He’s surprised by your voice, it sounds far away, loose, and airy.

“I do.” It comes out with no hesitation, no stutters, no pause. You take a step closer to him and his expression twitches, his chest beginning to heave with anticipation. 

“I would really love that, Joel.” You’re staring up at him now, as best you can in the sun. You’re looking into his eyes, an excited, mischievous glint in your eyes, challenging him, daring him to do something. And he loses his nerve. 

“Oh! Okay. Thats… Thats good. I- I want you to come over later, alright? I’ll get us some weed and alcohol. You don’t need to bring snacks or nothin’ either jus- jus bring yourself, alright? Okay, see you then.” And with that, he walked off. His cheeks were absolutely burning. He couldn’t believe himself 

‘That's good’? What the fuck is wrong with you, Miller? Leaving that darlin’ girl standing in the sun like that? It just ain’t right, she’s so sweet on you and you fuckin’ know it. I gotta stop doin’ this to her…

You’re watching Joel walk away. A bit stunned by the whole interaction, confusion, and questions swarm your head the whole walk home. They stick with you in the shower and as you get ready to head over to Joel’s. They accompany you on the whole walkover as well.

Maybe he wants me to do something… I know people like it rough, so maybe he wants me to take charge? He doesn’t really seem the type. Does this mean he wants me now? Will he kiss me tonight? Is that why he invited me over? Are we gonna have sex? Oh god, I hope so. I’d treat him so well- or maybe I wouldn’t since everyone likes it rough. 

You’ve reached his block when you’re stopped by Susan; Joel’s biggest admirer. She places herself in front of you, blocking your path and forcing you to talk to her.  “Oh, he’s not in, hun.”

You take a calming breath and try not to roll your eyes at her. “Okay… Well, I’m gonna check, just in case.” You turn your steps and try to make your way around her only for her to place herself right back in your way. 

“I’m gonna be honest I- I don’ really get this whole thing with you an’ him. I just- I guess I don’ really see it… Do ya’ know what I mean?” You glare at her, ignoring her statement and waiting for her to just get out of your way. “I mean…” She steps closer to you. “I remember when you first got here…” 

You can feel shame and embarrassment curl in your stomach at the mention of your arrival. You weren’t in the best place, mentally, and you did a lot- a lot- of things that you wished you hadn’t, lots of men you wished you hadn’t. “Don’t be an ass, Susan.” She backs away from you, a sinister smile on her face and her hands in the air. 

“Hey! I’m” She laughs. “I’m jus sayin’... You were interested in a lot of different guys!” You start walking, refusing to listen to what she has to say. But the psycho bitch follows you. “I mean are you even sure that it’s him that you want? Weren’t you with Jared just a few months ago? I mean…” 

You’re speed-walking to Joel’s now. You’re only a house away when she hops in front of you again. “Hun! I told you he ain’t home! I’m just-” She sighs and lowers her head as you crane your neck, hoping and praying Joel had made his way to the porch by now. But he hasn’t. “If you just want a man I can set you up with some of my friends! Some people who are… Gosh! How do I say this without bein’ rude? Some people who are more in your… lane… league?” Your head whips back at her, fury raging in your eyes at her audacity. 

“Excuse me?” You question, low and threatening. “Well. Hun, c’mon now, don’t get all bent outta shape, I mean well! You and I both know Joel is too… hmm, well. He’s too good for you I guess.” You’re not staring at her, you’ve turned your head to the patch of sky you can see through the trees beside you, choosing to count the stars instead of listening to this shit. 

“I’d strongly disagree.” You can hear her gasp and spin around as a smile spreads over your face.

Joel. 

“Oh! I- I thought you weren’t home, sugar.” She tries to lean into him but he walks around her and grabs your arm, pulling you past her with a mumble of “Yeah. I know.”, ending the conversation. 

Joel doesn’t speak until he’s gotten you inside. “I dunno why you listen to that woman. She spews nothin’ but garbage.” You watch him dart from cupboard to cupboard to retrieve his lighter and a little joint you can tell he rolled because it’s dented in the middle. “She’s always saying some dumb shit. I fuckin’ hate it.” 

His eyebrows are furrowed and his face is hard as he lights it up. You can’t remember the last time you’ve seen him so angry. You watch the tension fall from his shoulders, his face relaxing as he inhales. You take your shoes off, still watching him as a small smile spreads over his face and he exhales. “Are you gonna share Joel?” You ask as he goes in for another hit. 

“Hey-  Be nice darlin’, it’s mine after all.” He teases while handing it to you. You push yourself up onto the counter, sitting next to where he’s leaning as you take a drag. 

“Yours schmours, you’ll be fine.” He giggles— giggles— at your statement, his hand coming up to cover his smile as he laughs. All you can see are his pretty brown eyes, the creases around them, and the way they almost shut while he laughs. You feel your heart race, bringing along that urge that has gotten you in trouble many times over. Your eyes flicker to his lips and you immediately avert your gaze, taking another hit to try and calm yourself. 

You wait for him to come back up from his designated, folded, laughing position and hold the joint out for him. You snort at the misshapen stick, causing you to choke on the smoke you were holding. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s what you get for laughing. Mhm.” You’re coughing up a lung as he says this, making the situation worse because you cannot stop laughing at him. He continues his remarks after taking a hit, you’re still choking and laughing, and you hold an arm out to him. 

“Joel-” You cough. “Joel-” You laugh. “Joel, stop it. I’m- oh fuck.” You start coughing again in a way that has Joel turning to face you, amusement and a bit of concern on his face. “Oh my god, stop. I’m gonna die, don’t make me laugh- oh my god.” 

He’s beaming at you, proud that you find him so funny and the high really hitting him. You can tell, his eyes are a bit hazy and his eyebrows are raised for some reason. He walks towards you when your fit dies down, pushing himself between your legs with a dazed look on his face. He’s just staring at your thighs for a moment, his head turning from left to right so he can look at both of them before looking up at you. Your heart is thrumming out of your chest as you try to keep your expression neutral, maybe a bit inquisitive. He stares at your lips for a bit before you see his hand raising with the joint. He brings it to your lips and looks back up at your eyes, his eyebrows jump, prompting you to inhale. 

You take a long hit, trying to get as much smoke as you can, hoping it will calm you down. His eyes stay on yours, darkening as his breathing becomes a bit shallow. He pulls the joint away from your lips and puts it out right onto the counter before bringing his hand up to your cheek.

You haven’t exhaled yet, savoring the hit while he slowly brings your face to his. You’re watching his eyes, still on yours as he pulls you in. You begin to exhale, not wanting to hold the smoke in if he’s going to kiss you. That’s when he pushes your lips together. You try not to choke as he sucks the smoke out of your mouth and pulls away. You’re in a stupor as he grins at you and breathes your smoke out, re-lighting the fire in the pit of your stomach, the one that always seems to flare whenever he’s around.

“What’d ya think of that, huh? Good kiss or?” He’s wearing a smirk but his eyes are uncertain at your silence. You keep it up, not saying anything, just pulling him back in and smashing your lips into his. He accepts your kiss with a grunt from the force of it as his arms wrap around your waist, pulling you in. 

You’re gripping his hair like it's your lifeline, gripping his face like it’ll fall apart otherwise, it hurts a little but he’s fond of your eagerness. Your hands slide onto his shoulders and you dig your fingers into his skin brutally, pulling a wince from him. He separates your lips and strokes over your cheek with his thumb, admiring you. It's a soft, tender moment until you yank him by his belt loops, crashing him against the counter painfully to whisper in his ear. “I want you, Joel”

He smiles at this and kisses you again as you undo his belt. You remove it from the loops and let it drop to the ground so you can get to work on his button and zipper. You feel his lips stutter against yours and he pulls away, confused. “Not- not here, darlin’. ‘M not gonna do this in the kitchen.” He sounds a bit confused as he grips your hips and lifts you off of the counter and back onto the floor. They come back up to cradle your face again as he places a quick, soft kiss on your lips. “ ‘M gonna make love to you in my room, on my bed, baby.”

Make love..?

Confusion flows through your mind but you go along with him, assuming it’s just some outdated terminology. “Yeah? You gonna fuck me in your bed, Joel?” He is so shocked by your response. He doesn’t understand why you’re being so aggressive about it. He’s trying to be gentle, and loving but you seem to reject it. He gives you a brief but genuine smile before leading you to his room,

Your heart is racing as you follow Joel to his bedroom. This would be the first time you’ll be having sex with someone you care about, someone you love. You wondered if it would feel any different when he was shattering your hips with his own, would there still be that soft look of adoration in his eyes? You don’t see how the two could go together. 

You get to his room and he shuts the door quietly. “Can you stay still, honey?” He rolled his sleeves up, only halfway, showing off his thick forearms. He’s circling you as he questions you, holding eye contact and stopping in front of you. “I- I wanna undress you.”

Your throat feels like it’s closed. 

Undress me? Why would he want to- That doesn’t seem very time-efficient… Oh, but look at him. 

His eyes are silently and subconsciously begging you to let him. You let him. 

He takes a deep breath and his eyes rake down your body the moment you nod at him. He grabs your hips, pulling you to him with a boyish grin before running his fingers along the hem of your shirt. They tickle your skin softly as he brings them up, bunching the fabric before pulling it over your head. He looks right into your eyes as he does this. That soft look digs into your chest, it feels like you may explode. 

He only breaks away from your gaze to throw your shirt on a chair in the corner. He brings his empty hand to cup your cheek, stroking his thumb across your skin as a sort of apology for diverting his attention. He looks back at you with a smile so gentle you may melt. 

Your knees almost give out when he unbuttons your pants, he sticks his thumbs in the back of your waistband, leaning into you. He’s so close. He’s so close. He’s smirking like he knows you want to kiss him. He leans forward, licking his lips before abruptly ducking down, pulling your pants with him. 

You let out a surprised squeal that has him smiling up at you. Your hand comes up to bury itself in his hair before you realize it. You admire the softness of it, how fluffy it is. His eyes droop, getting a foggy, clouded look in them as he stares up at you. 

Make it good for him. Everyone likes it rough. 

You pull it, much harder than necessary, and watch his eyebrows crease in what you assume is arousal as he grunts again. He lifts from his kneeling position and kisses you, a little harder than he did before. 

His hands were running down your back, cupping your ass, and then stroking down your thighs. He’s breathing heavily against your face as his hands squeeze your inner thigh. They roam all over your body but never go where you want them, where you need them. 

“Okay, Joel. Enough I need you. I- I need you.” He smiles underneath his bitten lip as you push him away and gesture to his entire body. “Take them off… Off!” 

You’re basically ripping your undergarments off and running to him, unbuttoning his shirt for him as he takes off his pants. The moment your hands push his shirt open he’s kissing you instead. He walks you both onto the bed, tripping over his pants with a giggle before landing safely on the covers. You waste no time in climbing over him, whining out when his cock rubs along your soaked pussy. He lifts himself to try and kiss you but you’re not looking at him. You’re trying to push his dick into your soaking, aching pussy. 

“Shit- Damn. Fuck, honey.” He slams himself back onto the bed, his hands tighten around your hips as you position your legs beneath you and slam your hips onto him. It fucking burns. You’re wet and wanting but he’s huge, the stretch of his fat cock burns inside you as his tip jams itself into your cervix painfully. You bit off more than you can chew. Joel is grunting harshly beneath you so you power through, attempting to hide your grimace as you let out half-honest moans. 

“Fuck- No. No, no, stop, baby.” His hands force you down and hold you there, rendering you immobile as he sits up. You’re watching his abs clench as he sits up with no assistance but his pure muscle, your eyes only move to his face when he clears his throat. 

You’re embarrassed now, under the impression that you’ve done something wrong, something he didn’t like. You wouldn’t know what to do if that were the case… You were doing what you normally do… You don't know any special moves or anything like that. “Did- You didn’t like it..?”

You ask as timidly as possible, hoping he could hear it and would be gentle. 

“I- I mean I guess but it’s not what I want.” Confusion and a bit of anger flares inside you. How were you supposed to know what he wanted? 

“Okay well, what do you want then, Joel?” His brows furrow and he brings a hand up to caress your face again. 

“I want to make love to you. I told you that.”

There’s that fucking term again. 

“I don’t know what that means, Joel! Isn’t it the same as fucking? I don’t get it.” His brows unfurrow instantly, becoming soft and a bit upturned in what seemed to be concern. And to add insult to injury… you can feel him softening inside you. 

“What do you mean?” His voice is much softer than yours, but it frustrates you. You struggle not to roll your eyes at him. 

“I do not know what that means. I do not understand.” You talk slower than necessary, not actually explaining anything. You’re being a brat.

He tilts his head at you, giving a gut-wrenching, disappointed look. He kisses your cheeks and tells you to be nice, that he’s just trying to understand you.

“No… It’s not the same as fuckin’. It’s gentle and lovin’. It’s me takin’ my time with you, gettin’ you to open up for me.” You can feel his dick filling back up, stretching you out beautifully.

“It’s me learnin’ about what you like, showin’ you what I think you’d like, and getting you to cum around me and for me as long as I can. It’s more focused on- on love rather than lust.” He sighs quietly. “I’m- I’m bettin’ you’ve never had that though…” 

You hear sadness leak into his voice as he ends his sentence, watching you avert your gaze. He watches frustration and shame creep onto your face. “So what? I don’t even- I don’t think I even like it that way. Slow? It already takes me long enough to cum… I don’t need to be here for hours on end, Joel.”

He shakes his head at you sadly. “You would like it, baby.” He has one hand back on your hip as the other spreads out, his large hand spread over your back as he slowly flips you both over, resting you on the bed softly. “I- fuck, I know you’d love it, honey.”

His words resonate deep in your core, bringing a new wave of wetness to run over his cock. “Oh-” His hips stutter into yours as though he could feel the extra cream flowing over his dick. “Yeah, oh you’d- I think you’ll like it, darlin’”

He places you on the bed and finishes talking before kissing you and raising to straighten himself out. His hips thrust slowly into yours and fuck does it feel good. I mean of course it does, Joel is towing over you like a Greek god and his cock is sliding within your walls smoothly, stimulating every nerve it comes across. You start to buck your hips, impatient with the slow build of the pleasure. You wanted something explosive, something that will leave you heaving for breath and you cannot comprehend how you could possibly get there like this. 

Joel smiles, shakes his head at your agitation, and presses his hands down onto your sporadic hips, forcing them to stay on the bed. “No. Softly, baby. Be gentle with me, c’mon.” He continues his rhythm before, rocking into you with breathless pants. Your pleasure felt just out of reach and it was insanely maddening. “Calm down.” He tells you in a low, warning tone. You swear he can read your mind. 

“Tell me.” He leans down so his lips are right by your ear. He places a kiss on your temple and looks down at where the two of you connect, shoving his hair in your face. “Do you like this?” He keeps at his regular pace, the frustrating, agitating, insanely maddening pace. “Or… Do you-” He lets out a shuddering sigh right next to your ear, your eyes nearly rolling back at the faint sound. “Or do you like this?”

His pace changes into something indescribable. His hips are swiveling into yours and hitting eighteen different pleasure points at once. Your arms come up to grip his biceps, one instantly sliding down to his lower back to encourage him to keep it up.

“Oh-” You sound shocked and out of breath. “Oh. I like that one, Joel. This one. I like this one- please” His pace speeds up and he moans at the sound of your whimper. His attention is finally pulled from where you both meet and he’s looking right into your eyes.

This man and his fucking eye contact. 

It’s doing something to you… the way he’s looking at you. It’s burning into your stomach and has you clenching around him, pulling another ragged, angelic moan from his lips, hitting your lips directly due to his position. You lean up and kiss him as much as you can, most of your brain had shut off the moment he flipped you both over. 

He was hitting so deep inside you, a whole section that you didn't know existed. His cock is slowly sliding over every ridge in your pussy, his veins stimulating your sensitive walls. “Joel-” 

It slips out like a whimper as your moans release. You’re suddenly on 100% volume, unable to hold anything in. You never learned how. You thought you just didn’t moan against your own will, never having been in enough pleasure to let out authentic moans. 

Your hand comes from his lower back to slap over your mouth, desperately trying to hold all your noises in but Joel rips it away. “Don’t do- fuck you feel so fuckin’ good-“ His voice is shaking and breathless.

“Fuck, don’ cover up your- your moans, please. Fuck I wanna hear ‘em” He intertwines your fingers with his and holds your hand next to your head. He straightens himself as much as he can while keeping your fingers interlocked so he can grind into you more deliberately. He’s angling himself a million different ways until you convulse onto yourself. You try to hold in a scream as he fucks into… something. It’s almost painful, the way pleasure punches through your body with every thrust. 

“Yeah?- God fuckin’ dammit."

His hips stutter as you involuntarily suffocate his dick in your pussy. “Fuck- Is that it? Your special spot, honey? I got it dead on, huh?” He’s wearing an irritatingly calm smirk as he teases you. You, on the other hand, can barely breathe.

You’re clawing at anything you can get a hold of, his arms, the back of his neck, his back. You feel like you could cry- or throw up at the otherworldly pleasure Joel is forcing onto you. Your mouth is perpetually open, spewing out moans every other second. Your eyes keep rolling back into your head despite your attempts to look at Joel. You can’t even wrangle together enough thoughts to coherently explain how good it feels, how good he’s making you feel. “Jo- Joel. F-” You’re cut off with a whine as he pushes himself into you more forcefully.

“Joey, please- You’re right it’s s’much better. Shit- Joel!-” You let out a more devastating moan than you have all night, causing Joel to groan out in response. Your eyes open to look at him and he’s staring right at you, his eyes are something you’ve never seen, they’re dark and threatening, like a lion stalking its prey. But in this situation the lion is in love with the gazelle, it’s evident in his eyes, all over his face as he moans for you. 

“Of course ‘m r- right- Fuck, you’ve really got no clue how- how fuckin’-” His statement melts into a whimpering moan as he bends back down to moan into your ear. “You feel fuckin’ heavenly, darlin’.”

It creeps up on you out of fucking nowhere. A moan rips through your chest and destroying throat as you cum around him, his words pushing you to the edge. “Oh fu-uck. Yeah? S’that good, baby? Fuckin’- fuckin’ c-cumming all over my cock with no warning, love? Oh fuck me you’re s-so good, sweetheart.” 

His words fuel your world-demolishing, soul-shattering, mind fucking-ly amazing orgasm. You can feel the pleasure coursing through your veins like molten gold. Your entire body is vibrating, you’re lifting off the bed into an ethereal plane as Joel keeps thrusting into you, moaning soft praises in your ear as you gush all over his cock.

Your eyes are permanently in the back of your skull as your hand runs frantically all over his body, trying to find something to ground you, to keep you from flying away on the cloud of pleasure Joel was providing for you. 

He slows his thrusts in favor of you. Your moans had begun to get a bit desperate, all over the place, feverish and distraught as your pleasure bubbled over into overstimulation. Joel is kissing your neck softly, whispering even more soft words laced with love as your soul returns to your body with a broken whine of his name. He pulls his face out of your neck with a smile, his hips still thrusting into you slowly, just toeing the line of overstimulation. It has you losing your mind. You’re writhing against him as he smirks at you. “Do you want more? I can keep going, baby. I’ll go slow, soft, just like this.” 

He gets a bit breathy at the end, his free hand comes up to cup your face as the one holding yours tenses for a moment. His head drops onto your shoulder as most of his body collapses onto you.

He’s still thrusting into you gently as he groans out against your neck. “Fuck me. You’re turning me into a fuckin’ teenager again.” He grunts out a whine into your skin. “Can’t fuckin’ control shit. O-oh I wanna make you cum again, sweetheart.” His hips speed up as he rambles to you. You lean away from him a bit, forcing his head from your shoulder, and turn to look at him. 

He looks so wrecked. His lips are trembling, glossy, and red from all his biting. You didn't even notice. His eyes are on yours but they regularly lose focus, rolling into his head with a groan. “You’re makin’ me feel so fucking good, love. I just want you to feel as good- I wanna make you cum again.” He sounds more desperate than you could’ve ever imagined, your hand slides up the back of his neck and buries itself in his hair, scratching at his scalp softly, causing his eyes to cross lightly as he moans against you, hips stuttering. “Let me. Let me, let me. Let me pl-lease”

His unabashed begging has you clenching around him erratically, pulling a ruined groan from his lips. “M-make me cum again, Joel. C’mon, baby. I want-” He’s already moaning into your mouth as you speak, his hips fucking into you unsteadily. You’re already close from the intensity of the moment, Joel’s hand cradling your face, your hand in his hair. His head is resting against yours, forehead to forehead but his eyes are still open, piercing your soul and your heart with the love that's residing in them, it has your pussy clenching around him desperately. He’s moaning out shamelessly, loudly, and right into your face, into your mouth. 

“I’m gonna- I need you to c-cum. Holy sh-” You cut him off with a wet, searing kiss that’s mostly groans and whines into the mouth of the other. Your hips lift off the bed to buck into him softly, grinding your clit into the patch of curls that rests on his pelvis. He’s smiling at your movements, the contrast in how they were when he started with you.

“Y-yeah. Good, baby. Soft. Just l-like that, sweetheart. You’re so fuckin’ pure.” His eyes roll back into his head as your pussy begins to flutter around him. You can feel it this time, building inside you. The coil in your stomach tightens as you feel the angelic feeling inch back into your veins. Your hands grip his hair more desperately, pulling his ear to your lips as your orgasm begins to spill over. 

“I’m- I’m cumming, Joey.” You’re voice stabs into him. The high-pitched and desperate, shocked innocence in it has him twitching inside you. His pace is ruined the moment you utter those words into his ear. He can feel his eyes shoot to the back of his head as he falls into your shoulder again and starts to cum inside you. 

It’s more than heavenly, cumming at the same time as you. His cock is throbbing, shooting out thick, heavy, ropes of his cum inside you as your pussy pulses in time with him, milking him for everything he has. He can’t breathe, all the air has punched out of him as he tries to warn you that he’s cumming.

He wants to moan out for you, call your name over and over to hear you work yourself up into those whining moans you can’t help but let out. He gathers enough strength to push himself up and look at you. He feels like a whole new round of cum spews out of him at the sight. Your eyes are crossed as you moan out at the ceiling. He’s vaguely aware of the way your hand has twisted and tightened in his hair as you cum, your nails digging into his other hand.

He’s smiling through the second round of cum that pumps into you, deliriously happy with how hard he’s made you cum. You sound like you’re in the same situation as him, all the air suddenly gone from your lungs. You’re just letting out barely perceptible moans of his name on loop. 

His thighs shake as his dick finally stops pouring into you. He looks down at the ring of white sitting on the base of his dick and groans. He looks back up at you, wanting to show you the mess you’ve made on him but you’re still so far gone. Your pussy pulses around him arrhythmically as you mutter up at the ceiling, your hand stroking through his hair subconsciously. 

He’s able to come down before you. He pulls out and lays next to you, his head on your chest while he’s muttering those same, soft praises into your ear as your soul tries to find its way back to your body again. You follow the sound of his low praises, grounding you and pulling you back to reality. “-baby. I’m so in love with you. Thank you so fuckin’ much for waitin’ for me, I know it was hard, but I love you so fuckin’ much. You’re so incredible, so so incredible, baby. The best lady I know, the only lady I wanna know. You-” You have a faint, tired smile spreading across your face as he goes on, sounding more out of it than you feel.

“I love you so much, Joel.” You mean to say it softly, fondly but it comes out as something more like a sob. He gasps and looks up at you, that’s when you notice the tears that have escaped your eyes. “This is so embarrassing…” Your hands wipe at your escapee tears furiously as Joel watches you in shock.

“Hey,” He starts to wipe some of your tears away alongside you, although much more softly than your own hands. “ S’not embarrasin’.” He places an endearing kiss to your lips. “I think it’s so fuckin’ cute. The cutest things I’ve seen in years, honestly.” 

You giggle at his exaggeration and kiss his cheeks. “I’m bein’ serious, baby.” He’s giggling too now, placing kisses all over your face, stopping every tear that slips out with his lips.

“I love you so much, Joel.” You take a deep breath as his kisses slow. “It feels like my heart is being choked, squeezed, and like thrown around in my chest whenever I’m with you. I don’t even have the vocabulary to explain how much I feel for you.” 

His eyes are wide and a bit watery as you speak. One hand is on the top of your head, running over your hair as you speak while the other is on your him, his thumb stroking over the skin, sometimes lifting to draw specific patterns. “I wish I had a way to make you feel what I feel toward you, Joel. It’s so fucking much. I feel like it’s gonna explode and pour out of every orifice.” He chuckles and kisses you again, this one feels more emotional, more loving, grateful, and comforting. 

“There you go, talkin’ all proper again.” He kisses you again shortly. “I- I feel the same way darlin’. Except I know even less words to use to explain it to ‘ya. Fuck I- I fuckin’ I wish I could tell ‘ya. You- You feel like- like my whole existence. If that makes sense… No, no it doesn’t, does it? Damn. I- Shit.” You place a hand on his face and make him look at you. 

“You don’t have to say as many things as I did. You’ve already shown me that you love me through your actions… through this. I didn’t even know it could be like that, Joel. That it could- could feel that… good. I didn’t know it was a thing, and then you came in- with all your love and softness, and you showed me a whole new side of everything. I already know… is what I’m trying to say. I know you love me, Joel. I just hope you know that I love you.”

A single tear slips out of his baby cow eyes and he quickly wipes it away with a smile. “I- I know, baby. Trust me, I know.” He smiles wider and brighter than you’ve ever seen, he’s blinding you with its beauty before laying back down on the bed next to you. He wraps an arm around your shoulder and pulls you onto him. 

“You’re gonna stay, right? Sleep in here with me?” You shake your head disapointedly against his stomach.

“Obviously, I’m staying here, Joel.” The sigh of relief he lets out almost breaks your heart. You place a few kisses on his belly for reassurance. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He chuckles at your words and sounds far away, sleepy, adorable. “Okay… Good. Good, I want you to stay… ‘M gettin’ tired though, honey.” As if on cue, a yawn makes its way up and out of your mouth. “Yeah, me too. Goodnight, Joey.”

He sighs, and you can’t see it, but a smile splits his face the moment he hears the nickname. “G’night, my love.”

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