#Jeremiah fisher x yn | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jeremiah-fisher · 2 years ago

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you and me,

—a the summer i turned pretty fic starring my first and favourite book boyfriend, jeremiah fisher ♡

「epilogue — jeremiah, reader insert」

JEREMIAH

. . .

SEPTEMBER

“Jere, come on. I’m gonna be late for school and it’s only the first day!”

A sense of euphoria washes over me. All these years together, being friends and now something more, not a moment goes by when I’m bored with her, bored seeing her. In a lot of ways, her face or her voice or even the shape of her smile makes my head all loopy and I’m reminded of the fact that I’ll be in love with her all my life.

My best friend, my girlfriend, and someday – my wife.

Contentedly, I sit back against the sofa and smile at my phone screen. The FaceTime video call has been going on for the last almost hour. We even left it on when we both hopped in the shower twenty minutes ago. My hair’s still a little wet but I don’t care half as much as I should.

“Give me a minute more,” I ask – beg – in the sweetest voice I can muster. I’ve always been told I have a nice voice, by more than one member of the opposite gender. YN most of all. “I just wanna start my day right.”

YN rolls her eyes as she sets her phone up in the car. As she snaps on her seatbelt, she mumbles, “And seeing me will do that?”

“Uh huh.”

A grin spreads YN’s lips wide, and for the umpteenth time, I mourn the fact that I can’t just grab her by the chin and kiss her for hours and hours until our lips become one. Or something cheesy like that.

The two of us have been apart since a few days ago.

On our last day in Cousins, Laurel was in lieutenant mode and made all of us clean the house – from top to bottom. We weren’t allowed to go to the beach in case we dragged more sand in and we had to sit and eat every meal together, all leftovers except for breakfast. Those were the rules.

The YLNs came over for dinner, too, and they brought the only fresh food we ate that night – carne guisada, which YN jokingly told me her mother slaved over. I had three servings because it was so good. Then I caught Conrad cleaning the glass pan out with his finger before it got placed in the dishwasher and the scene shouldn’t have been as funny as it was when I chuckled to myself about it before sneaking out of the house to go to YN’s for one last night.

Being back in Boston feels strange. More strange than all the other summers, probably because without really saying it, all of us knew, in one way or another, that that summer was the last. The last one we would all share together. Mom says the doctors have told her she has less than a year.

I shake off the thought as I continue staring at YN as she drives forward.

“Don’t you have to get to school, too?”

Quickly, I scan the time hanging on the top of my phone. “Yeah, in like, fifteen.”

“Then get a move on, Fishie. Don’t be late on your first day.”

I salute her and hop to my feet. YN laughs and continues driving. I place my phone on the kitchen counter then dig through the refrigerator for the lunch Mom packed for me last night. I told her she didn’t have to, especially since she and Dad spent the weekend helping Conrad move into his dorm room, but she was insistent, said she wanted things to be normal even though they weren’t, when they would never be again.

“Guess what my mom packed me for lunch?”

“What?”

I lift the tupperware high above me and check. “Two slices of pizza from last night’s dinner and a pasta salad.”

“Fantastico!”

Her terrible Italian accent makes me laugh as I grab my backpack and shove my lunch inside. Then I grab my phone again as I go to the door to put on my shoes.

“Jere, I’m almost at school so I’m gonna go, okay?”

I nod, then realize she can’t see me. I pick up the phone and smile at her. “Okay. Talk to you later?”

“Yeah. I’ll text you.” YN seems to stop at a red light and gives me her full attention for a moment. “Tell Susannah I love her.”

My heart burns. I take a breath. I need to joke my way out of this before I start crying on my way to the first day of school. “What about me?”

“Well, you already know it.”

“Know what?”

YN, again, rolls her eyes good-naturedly but then she smiles, too. The smile I love most. “I love you, Jeremiah Fisher, and I always will. Now have a good first day of senior year.”

“The last school year I’m spending without you, by the way.”

YN smirks, and it’s fond, sweet in a way which promises something even sweeter. “We’ll see.”

After she clicks off, I text Mom to let her know I’m going to school. I know she won’t see it until noon, since she needs the sleep, but the less I make her worry, the more there is a chance to keep her with me just a little while longer.

. . .

OCTOBER

True to my word, I fork over more than a hundred dollars on clothing and makeup for my Halloween costume to make it the best one I have ever worn. When YN first lays eyes on me, she is elated and jumps into my arms to kiss me so hard that we very nearly topple over. Everyone at the bus stop stares at us, but we don’t really care. We never have.

After YN finds out the lengths I went to make her nerdy Star Wars dream come true, she gets a little quiet and tells me I didn’t have to. Except when I look at her own costume, I know she put in the effort, too. She even has a gun that looks more real than plastic. We don’t say it, but we know it, we know why we put in the effort and that’s enough.

We end up going to a party my friend, Tag, is throwing at his house. His parents let him host and left him the house and their car then dipped to hang out with their own friends. Tag says he promised them no more than ten people maximum but when YN and I show up to a house full of teenagers and possible college students, we know that to be a lie.

Almost everyone from school is here – from freshmen to seniors. We fill up the whole house. There is a massive stereo in the backyard and everyone is dancing to the mixes our school DJ, Andy, puts together. He has a dream of touring the world someday. He’s been chasing it since middle school. When we apply to colleges next month, I know he won’t be participating.

We throw back a few drinks first. I introduce YN to everyone who doesn’t know her, and re-introduce her to others as my girlfriend. We get the typical ‘ooo’s’ and ‘I knew it’s’ and though it makes YN blush, the last thing she does is put space between us when I keep her close to my side. If anything, her hold on me is as tight as mine on hers, as if some part of us is terrified of letting the other go.

Andy gets everyone dancing with an old-school mix and it’s fun being in the circle with everyone cheering and laughing. We take a lot of pictures, too, with a few going up on the ‘gram the moment we take them. YN hides her face in my neck for most of them but I don’t mind. Being camera shy is something that I find cute about her. The only time she isn’t is when I’m behind the camera.

YN has a tipsy smile on her face as she listens to one of the football guys tell a – in his words – hilarious story about the time he slept with three different college girls all within the same month.

I tickle my fingers on her side and teasingly ask, “Hey, wanna see my light saber?” As her brows rise cartoonishly, I laugh and pull her away to show her the addition to my Anakin Skywalker costume. I swing it around in the air while YN turns beet red. “Cool, huh?”

“I-I thought–”

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Daisy,” I tease, then wink just to see her blush deepen. I love when she blushes, especially when it’s for me.

Slowly, an expression I’ve never seen before passes over her features, crawls into the crevices of her skin, then lays there ready for me to contemplate it. Then, in an opposite fashion, YN grabs my hand and drags me away, through the crowds of high schoolers and possibly some college kids, until we’re on the first few steps of the basement. There’s a light flickering periodically below but no one is present.

I look at her quizzically. “What’s up?”

Her eyes darken, and she peers back at me seemingly in a trance. On the step, YN takes a step closer, her familiar perfume clouding my senses. Her gaze flickers down to my lips, impatient and hungry. “I want you.”

“W-Wait… right now?” She nods then tilts her head towards the small living room set-up on the basement floor. A flash of excitement burns through me. I grab her hand. “Okay, let’s go.”

Despite the fact that neither of us bothered to lock the door before we tore into one another, YN doesn’t hold back her sounds at all. A few times, I have to clamp my hand down on her mouth out of fear. The way she is now, only a few months after the first time we did this, is different, in the sexiest way imaginable. If we weren’t at a party full of people talking and dancing just a floor above us, I wouldn’t make her hold back any noise at all.

Back upstairs a short while later, YN stands by the basement door running her fingers through her hair to get the knots out. Even though we tried our hardest not to make any noise, I didn’t hold back on messing up her hair. To me, she looked hot as fuck this way, but I knew she was a little embarrassed by what people might think.

Penny, from my algebra class, walks past us. She takes one look at YN and me and asks, “What happened to you?”

YN doesn’t miss a beat. “My boyfriend brought his light saber.”

I choke on a laugh, hiding it behind my hand as Penny hoots with laughter, nodding as she walks off, probably to gossip. I throw my arm around YN’s waist and hug her to myself, laying a kiss on her cheek.

“Wanna ditch and go trick-or-treating?”

The first few houses are awesome. We get so much candy that it fills up three quarters of our bags. YN claims it’s enough and maybe we should turn back and go home, watch that new horror movie with my mom, but I convince her to hit one more house before we do.

It’s a ginormous place, bigger than my house, and has a Lexus and Porsche in the driveway. The lawn decorations are out of this world, too, with a huge lit-up skeleton which beckons us closer with a robotic finger and about a thousand mini pumpkins. It’s, without a doubt, the best decorated place on the street.

We walk up the doorway with giggles, avoiding the fog machine and the little kids running past us. When we get to the door, there is a man there. He has black hair, round eyes, and glasses from another millennia, except, he doesn’t look older than thirty-five. He has a bowl of candy in his arms – all full-size bars.

“Oh my God, jackpot!” YN squeals, grabbing my forearm and rushing us up to him. As soon as we get close enough, she cheers, “Hi! Happy Halloween!”

The man stares her up and down, and it pisses me off. He’s staring, scrutinising, and being completely apparent about it. Mom always taught me that staring at people was wrong because it could make them uncomfortable. Seeing this guy do it and watching YN’s beautiful smile slowly fade away, I understand that.

Finally, he comments, “Aren’t you two a little old to be trick-or-treating?”

YN looks the man dead in the eye, undeterred despite the loss of her smile. “Aren’t you a little young to be so cranky?” Then she smacks on her sweetest smile, brighter than the one before, and nods to his bowl of candy. “I’ll take the Skittles, please.” Warily, he hands it to her, seemingly confused by her retaliation. “And for my boyfriend, a Mars bar.” He hands it to me just as uneasily. We’re about to leave when YN reaches out and grabs a Kit-Kat, too, right from the bowl. The man is shaken but YN is the complete opposite. She shoots him another smile. “For compensation.”

The adrenaline rush that seems to course through YN’s system passes into me and we race down the steps, running towards my car parked on the end of the road. As soon as we’re close enough, I push her up against the passenger door, dropping my bag of candy without a care as the urge to kiss her forever takes over. YN giggles, murmuring something about how “absolutely anything turns you on,” and I have half a mind to tell her it’s her, just her, which does so.

We drive home with the heater on blast, our teeth chattering from the intensity of October rolling into November. YN has her feet tucked under her, and periodically feeds me red, orange, and yellow Skittles. As we’re turning into my street, I bite down on the pad of her index finger and she curses me out as I bark out a genuine laugh.

Mom throws open the door and smiles at us from the porch while we’re still lugging our candy bags and YN’s backpack out of the backseat. Though, as soon as the two most important women in my life catch sight of each other, I’m left to bring everything in myself as YN launches herself at my mother in a hug even bigger than the one she gave me.

“Where’s Con?”

The question spills out of me as soon as I’m inside. Mom brings her attention away from YN to give me a small smile. It doesn’t reach her eyes, and it instantly makes me regret asking.

Conrad promised he would come down for the weekend. His midterm exams aren’t until November 4th, so Mom was really excited to see him for a bit before he locked himself in his dorm and studied away for hours and days.

“He couldn’t make it,” Mom replies.

YN finds my eyes but I try in earnest not to reveal even a drop of the ire pumping in my veins. I pull out my phone and text my brother, asking him where he is. Of course, it goes unread, which isn’t surprising, but it ticks me off all the same. I think about calling him but Mom catches my attention with a suggestion.

“Who’s joining me for Carrie?”

. . .

NOVEMBER

“Yeah, Mom, I know. I know. I’ll get it done. Chill.”

All week, Mom has been hounding my ass about college applications. The deadlines for the colleges we decided on are due between tomorrow and next week. There are approximately five I’m applying to. I thought three would be enough, but Mom and Dad took that to mean that I wasn’t nearly as interested in getting into a post-secondary institution as they hoped, so now I’m stuck with five options and the only one I truly care about is Fraiser Mont – the college YN has her heart set on.

I’ve been researching it since September when YN mentioned it for the first time. They have a variety of different programs which are interesting enough, a hockey team, and the campus is less than an hour away from my house. I’d be a shoo-in if not for the fact that my GPA is less than stellar. So I’m stuck with two options: either go to a different school or convince the admissions department that I’m worth attending their school despite my lack of intelligence.

Dad said he can speak to the admissions coordinator on my behalf, see if there’s any other monetary way of getting in, but I turned him down because YN would hate me if she knew I pulled strings to get in. Even though she herself was worried about if she would or not, I knew she would, in the end. I read her admissions essay – I suck at English but I knew that what I was reading was a work of art. And with her GPA, there’s no way they’d pass her up.

So, I have to get in. I just have to. I meant it when I told her this year would be the last one I would spend without her. Sometimes, I feel like I need her like water or air. Like I can’t live without her. We’ve gone all these years without each other during the school months, but I don’t want to imagine more time apart. I can’t bear it. Not anymore. Maybe my Mom dying from cancer, my father being scarce as possible at home, and my brother going days without replying to my texts has something to do with it, but I don’t want to think about that.

I’m at my desk, staring out the window, hoping that I can finish this essay today and get it edited by Dad’s co-worker’s daughter who’s an English teacher, when my phone buzzes with an incoming text.

Daisy: hey, jere-bear

Daisy: whatcha doin

I smile, picking up my phone, and for a little while, I forget the stress on my shoulders and clawing erratically at my heart.

. . .

DECEMBER

The cold air is frigid on my skin as YN and I skate around and around downtown. We’ve been here for more than an hour now with the sun dipping away behind us.

I love being on the ice. More than I have ever enjoyed being on the field. There is just something about it that makes me want to throw on my skates and spend as much time as possible skating around, the ice beneath my feet.

I haven’t told Dad yet, but Mom and I went to Fraiser Mont last weekend to talk to the varsity hockey coach about letting me play for the school team next September. He said that because I was a late addition, I would have to come out to practices starting in July before the official try-outs in September. I told him I was willing to put in the work if there was any possibility that I could finally play hockey.

“Hey,” YN asks, alerting me to her voice and the fact that I’m not alone in my bedroom with my thoughts, “what are you thinking about?”

I take her gloved hand in mine and bring her into me. I move some hair out of her eyes then fix her green hat before I answer. “I need to talk to my dad about hockey.”

“You haven’t told him yet?”

“No.” I look away for a second. “He’s not gonna like it.”

YN pinches my cheek. “He’ll just have to deal. You’re doing this for you. Not him.”

“Still… Fisher men play football. Not hockey.”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t change tradition.” YN wraps her arms around me in a hug then brings us face-to-face. Her face that I’m obsessed with has the telltale signs of a smile about to blossom upon it. “I have a surprise for you.”

“Another one?”

“I’m not a boring girlfriend, Fishie,” she teases, pecking the tip of my nose. “Especially not on your birthday.” With that, she untangles herself from me and skates towards the edge where our bag is. “Come on!”

On the road, YN stays utterly mum about where we’re going. Her hands on the steering wheel are determined, though, so at least I know we’re on a time constraint.

Being downtown, especially on a Saturday night, YN rolls her eyes and mumbles curses towards a number of other drivers from the comfort of my car. There’s just so many of them, and quite a few seem to be heading in the same direction as us. When we pass by McLaughry Road, I start making guesses about where we’re headed.

“Are we going to the art gallery?”

“Nope.”

“The science centre?”

“Nah.”

“The…” What else is there? “Wait… the concert hall?”

YN giggles. “Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!”

I lay back against my seat and grin. I know without even asking what this is about. Though, I find myself asking anyway. “Who’s concert?”

YN nods towards the glove box. I pull it open to see she’s placed a small box in there – the exact same box I used to give her Jonas Brothers’ concert tickets when we were thirteen. Excitedly, I throw it open to see two black and red tickets. I pick them up and scan the title.

The Pentoglome Theatre Presents: Chase Atlantic - Live in Concert

“No way,” I start laughing, glancing at her in the driver’s seat in awe. “How’d you get these?”

“By using three different devices – all at the same time.”

I lean across the middle console to kiss her cheek. I’d kiss her mouth if she wasn’t crossing a green light. A slow, easy grin spreads across her mouth, lifting her cheeks cheerfully. A part of me thinks we – and everyone else on the road – are lucky she’s in the driver’s seat and not me because I know we wouldn’t be crossing another streetlight right now if we were.

The theatre is alight with a thunderous crowd, buttery popcorn, the scent of beer, and a buzz of excitement. YN tucks her hand into mine and lets me drag us through the hundreds of bodies until we find a spot we like. I wrap my arms around her from the back as the show starts, kissing her cheek relentlessly just to see her giggle. I’ll never tell her but her laugh alone is better than the performance we’re about to see.

When the band comes out, we throw our arms up in the air and scream along with everyone else in the venue. The moment the first few chords of Into It start, the crowd goes wild. We all sing-along, word for word, with so much enthusiasm that the ground shakes beneath our feet. I don’t even notice when I lose myself to the music, not even when YN pulls out her phone to record me with bright eyes and red cheeks.

Halfway through the show, as the band is performing Falling, I remember our summer, and how much I wanted to kiss her when we were driving home one night. Back then, I had to hold back. We both did. Because we were hiding, lying to ourselves that we didn’t love each other the way we did – the way we do, and always will. And even though I can’t change the past, I know I have every power imaginable to pick my present.

I set my hand on YN’s waist and tug her into me. Although she’s a little startled, her eyes are full of that same fondness I adore. Her hands fall against my chest, and she says, “Hey.”

“Hi,” I say back just before I dip my head down and bring her lips into a kiss I’ll never get tired of giving. And when she smiles into it, I know she shares the same feeling.

And you keep on falling, baby, figure it out.

. . .

JANUARY

“Jeremiah!” My Mom’s booming voice raises the hair on my arms as I’m laying in bed killing zombies. I sit up and run to my door, worried that she’s fallen sick or needs an ambulance. I checked on her an hour ago and she was fine, on the phone with a friend with her book half-finished next to a cup of oolong tea. Dad’s been pushing her to drink it, multiple cups a day, ever since he read an article about how it’s good for breast cancer patients. Mom smiles and drinks it for him, to appease him even though they’re hardly married anymore. “Jeremiah, come down here!”

I take the steps two at a time, bounding down the staircase in a flurry of emotions and intrigue. At the bottom, I find my mother by the bannister holding up a giant, red and white envelope with Fraiser Mont’s emblem encrusted on the front. I tear my eyes away from it for a second to stare at her. Mom grins, and even though her eyes are more sunken in and her skin is losing its radiance, she still looks like Mom and she’s so happy that I know, even without looking, that whatever’s in there is a positive thing.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and call YN, following Mom to the breakfast table where she and I take our seats. YN picks up the call and easily, her face falls into view. She’s wearing a face mask, one of those jelly ones she loves, and asks me what happened.

Mom holds up the envelope to the camera. I grin as YN rips off her mask and cramps closer to the screen. Her big, brown eyes take up the whole thing, which makes Mom chuckle while my nerves start ringing. YN received her acceptance a few days ago and we celebrated over FaceTime. I wonder if we can go for round two now.

Mom pushes the envelope towards me. My hands shake as I rip off the circular sticker. Inside, the contents provided are a single, folded letter printed on thick, white paper, a program brochure, and a small packet of stickers with the university’s name and mascot – an otter – on them.

I start to open the letter then stop. I look at Mom then at my girlfriend. I’ve never felt more stressed than right at this moment. “If I don’t get in…”

“You will,” Mom cuts in, patting my hand lovingly. Her touch is warm despite the fragility of her skin and the bones peeking out. It hurts to look at her sometimes, the way she is now. Her weight is nearly half of what it was in the summer. “You have to believe you will, Jere.”

I swallow then nod. I snatch a glance at YN who smiles back at me like she believes it, too. With newfound courage, I flip the letter open and begin to read out loud.

“Dear Mr. Jeremiah Fisher,” I breathe out, slow and forcing myself not to read ahead, lest the disappointment come too early, “on behalf of our esteemed institution, Fraiser Mont is delighted to–” YN lets out a squeal of delight before I finish reading whilst my mother throws her arms around me in a tight hug. I start shaking but with Mom holding me the way she is, I know I won’t be falling off this chair. I swallow twice before continuing. “– offer you admission to the Class of 2016. It is our pleasure to invite you to join our illustrious college which will set you firm on the path to future success. Congratulations!”

Mom kisses the top of my head repeatedly. “Oh, my darling boy! I’m so proud of you! So proud!”

I hug her back with equal enthusiasm while YN pretends she isn’t wiping her tears away on FaceTime. I grab my phone and grin at her.

“Can’t get rid of me now, Daisy.”

YN mirrors my grin, and just like all the other moments I've spent with her, I see my whole life ahead of me by her side. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

#the summer i turned pretty #jeremiah fisher #the summer i turned pretty x reader #the summer i turned pretty fan fiction #jeremiah fisher x reader #conrad fisher #tsitp #belly conklin #fan fiction #jenny han #tsitp x reader #tsitp fanfic #jeremiah fisher x yn #tsitp fic #fanfic #writers of tumblr #you and me

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jammysworks · 1 year ago

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smut after the cut

18+ MDNI

warnings: face sitting, oral (fem receiving), fingering, spit, overstimulation, slight dacryphilia, accidental edging, porn without plot

word count: 0.2k (this one’s a little short)

jeremiah’s tongue swiped across your folds, drawing shapes into your clit as your thighs squeezed around his head. his fingers began to prod at your entrance eliciting gasps from the figure above him.

jeremiah’s mouth slurped up all of your past oragasms and spit them back onto your clit, sucking on the bud. “fu-fuckk..jere m’ gonna cum!” you squealed while attempting to squirm away from the contact. “wanna see you cum on my tongue..” jeremiah muffled against your core, placing both of his hands on each side of your hips and accidentally pulling his mouth away when he began to lay you onto your back, causing your close and desperate relief to escape your grasp.

“n-no..i was so close!” you sobbed between hiccups and gasps, gripping onto the sheets below you. slick leaked from your quivering hole and dripping down your thighs while jeremiah placed his mouth flat against your cunt once again. “i’m sorry baby. guess we just have to do it again, hmm?” you pushed your hips away, hands moving from the sheets to his shoulders as you tried to move him off of your poor pussy :(. “i can’t..” you whined, tears beginning to form in your water line once again and leaking down your red hot cheeks. “..already finished four times, s’ too much!” regardless of your statement your body pushed itself towards jere’s ministrations. “you can take it.”

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silentangel2002-blog · 6 months ago

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Blurred Lines

Conrad Fisher x Female Reader

A/N: Even if it’s not addressed in this chapter, Y/N is a female chubby character just a heads up!! This chapter is an introduction!! We will see more of Conrad in the next chapters!! Didn’t check for grammar!!

Warnings: Panic attacks, mentions of body image issues and insecurities. Angst

Chapter summary: Your mom was very close with Laurel and Susannah. After a car crash at Cousins, Susannah took you and your younger brother in when you were young. You kept pushing everyone away for years.

Age gaps for this story

Y/N-21

Conrad-19

Jeremiah, Steven- 17

Belly-16

Liam (Y/N’s brother)- 16

Summer at Cousins was always your safe space. It was an escape from things back at home, your parents always arguing, you having to protect your younger brother Liam from all that chaos. Liam is the same age as Belly, and you are two years older than Conrad. Each summer felt like a fairytale, like something that was too good to be true. Until that night changed summer and Cousins for you all together.

It’s been three weeks since Susannah’s passing. It breaks you that you couldn’t go to her funeral. You had talked to her the week before she passed away. Only she knew why you drifted away from your friends and her boys. You two used to meet up at a small town by Cousins to talk and catch up. When her cancer came back you used to visit her often, when everyone was out of the house she would call you knowing you’d come at any time of the day. She even has a painting of you hidden underneath her bed.

You know that everyone is mad at you. After all, you disappeared on everyone except Susannah. Haven’t texted or called back anyone. You made sure no one at Cousins saw whenever Susannah needed you in the house. It was easier for everyone. At the moment it’s what was best for everyone.

Flashback (One month ago)

Susannah just called for me to go over in an hour, I decided to stop by and get her this amazing lemonade we used to drink at the restaurant we used to visit to catch up. She had mentioned that the door would be unlocked. As soon as I go in there she is in her bed tied up to who knows what. I told myself I wouldn’t cry but when I felt her weak yet warm arms around me I broke down. “Hey my baby queen, I’m still here, it’s okay.” She told me as I moved to the side of her bed. “Can you drink any fluids?” I ask her. The last time I brought her a muffin her body could not break down solids anymore. She smiles looking down to you. “What did you get me?” I pull up the lemonade cup. “Heck yes I can have yummy fluids!!” She says as I put the straw up to her so she can have a few zips. As I put the cup down you feel her staring at me. “What? I don’t want you to hurt yourself for some lemonade. I'll give you some more in a bit.” I say as I laugh at her. “Come here.” She says making a little space on the bed for me to sit. “ Look Queenie, last time you were here, one of the boys saw you.” I suddenly felt my heart sink down to my stomach, as I felt my heartbeat out of your chest. Susannah reaches to hold your hand “Breathe baby, it’s okay, they didn’t hear anything we talked about. He just really misses you.” Truth is I have been struggling with my mental health since I was young. It started with panic attacks. Susannah was the one that helped me through my first panic attack. I lightly squeezed her hand. “ I’m okay, I’m okay” I tell her.

“He really wants to see you. He’s not far from here.” I don’t know if it’s Jeremiah, but I do prefer Jere over seeing Conrad right now. Before I decided to leave, me and Conrad had a huge fight. “Is it Jeremiah?” I ask her. “ Of course it is.” She says reaching for her phone. “Jere, I’m okay hun don’t worry, she’s okay with seeing you.” The fact that she didn’t have to explain who “she” is makes me wonder how much he pestered her about seeing me.

*Flashback over*

Without going into detail you managed to tell Jeremiah that you were struggling with some things that you needed to take care of by yourself. He gave you an invitation to his graduation. The last time you saw Susannah you had a terrible panic attack, you had to stay in the hospital given your history. After not attending Susannah’s funeral you weren’t sure if he was upset with you again or not. You would understand if he was. You decided to sit away from anyone possibly seeing you. When all of the guests leave you wait behind to look for Jeremiah amongst the graduates. You didn’t even have to call him as soon as his eyes landed on you, you could feel it. He slowly walks up to you with tears in his eyes. “You know when my mom told me that you might disappear again. I didn’t think that meant not coming to her funeral.” He whispers. You bring him into a hug. “This time I’ll tell you what happened. But you have to give me time before I talk to the rest, I’m just not ready for that. Inside my gift I left my number.” You say handing him a gift bag. “When you have time we’ll catch up. I understand if you’re still upset with me right now.” As you walk away from him you hear his voice break down “please don’t push us away anymore.” All you can do is look back at him and give him a small smile. Not knowing that Conrad was watching you leave. As you left the venue everything came flooding back into your mind

Flashback (13 years old)

It was the Fourth of July, Jeremiah, Liam, and Steven were playing in the pool. You were fixing Belly’s hair, adding some cute bows to her Pigtails. She just turned 8, you want to help her as much as possible. “Hey y/n?” She turns up to look at you “what’s up little Belly?” You ask, smiling at her. “How are you so pretty?” Even if you didn’t feel pretty, being with your loved ones always made you forget your insecurities. “The more time you spend with people you love, the more you laugh and smile, the prettier you get.” You tell her as you see her eyes fill with joy. Looking out the window you see the clouds moving faster than usual. It never rains much out here. You see Laurel and Susannah come out “Boys!! Pool Time is over!! We’re getting a thunderstorm tonight.!!” Susannah yells. Your mom was just with Susannah and Laurel, not seeing her you go look for her. “Mom!!” You find her in the living room teary eyed. “Mom!! What’s wrong?” You say lowering your voice, not to worry about the rest. “ Nothing sweetie, your dad is upset I brought you guys here during this storm.” You all work together to make the living room comfy. You see the lights flickering on and off. Laurel has a box full of candles, while Susannah has some blankets. The boys help your mom move the living room furniture to the side. You and Belly lay the blankets and fall flat to the floor laughing, Now you all have space for everyone to sit down and sleep during the storm. As expected the lights went out.

As you were drifting to sleep you heard yelling. “I told you it would rain. But you never listen. You brought the kids next to an OCEAN. During a thunderstorm.” You already recognized your dads voice. “Michael, calm down. I thought you were lying about the rain just so we didn’t come here this summer.” You see your parents walk out while it’s still storming “Mom!! Dad!!” You see your dad slap your mom before anyone else walks out of the house. “Put my children in danger again, against my orders I’ll make sure you lose custody after this divorce.” Your dad sees you in the corner of his eye and tries to calm your mom down. “Look I didn’t mean to hit you. Let’s go home.” Your mom, scared, steps away from your dad. “Do NOT come any closer to me.” She warns him. And suddenly in slow motion you freeze. You see your dad step closer to your mom, and headlights coming closer to them. You try to run but Conrad and Steven hold you back.

*Flashback over*

After that day you lived with Susannah and her boys. Lost your mother at 13, and your dad afraid to go to court over anything left and never came back. Each summer you would go to art camp or volunteer at a Daycare. So that you would never go spend another summer at Cousins. Back in Boston you kept yourself busy and away from others. Even found an after school Job when you turned 16 so that you didn’t have to eat dinner with the rest. But Susannah always kept you company. After you turned 19 Susannah helped you get and apartment near a small art school you always wanted to attend. You’ve been living this routine away from your loved ones for a while now.

#tsitp #conrad fisher #x reader #angst #the summer i turned pretty #x yn #conrad fisher x reader #jeremiah fisher #susannah fisher #belly conklin #steven conklin #reader insert #drama

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cinnamoodles · 1 year ago

Note

🍾 — bubbly soda with steven Conklin?

we love stevie

ynssupersecretspamm

DEB BALL DATE ( we’re getting drunk ) 🪩

bellyball AYYY that’s my girl (and my brother but we won’t cheer for him)

-> sconklin05 you’re actually stupid belly

-> bellyball this is sibling abuse im reporting you

-> connonball you guys are so immature

-> ynssupersecretspamm but you love us ofc

-> jerebearr he only loves belly actually

-> bellyball aww ly too con

-> sconklin05 he fainted lmao

ynssupersecretspamm

predeb (ft. stevie reading ) @sconklin05 @connonball @bellyball

jerebearr nERDDDDD

-> ynssupersecretspamm the boy goes to princeton ofc he’s a nerd

-> sconklin05 not you too babe?

-> jerebearr ooh are we in babe territory now??

-> ynssupersecretspamm literally k!ll yourself jere

-> i.am.tay ur so mean @ynssupersecretspamm

connonball we look so good stevia

-> sconklin05 darling i know you’re a health nut but you can still call people sweetheart

-> bellyball darling?? sweetheart??

-> ynssupersecretspamm we’re not talking ‘bout stevia??

-> jerebearr you guys are more gay than me and i made out with a dude once

yn.yln.06

gentlemen!!

laurelparkwriting.official awww they’re all grown up now :))

-> jerebearr not me??

-> susannahf12 you’re always such a grown up jere

-> jerebearr thx maaa

connonball we’re so awesome @sconklin05

-> sconklin05 thank you darling

-> connonball anytime sweetheart

-> yn.yln.06 don’t start this up bruh!!

sconklin05 looking zesty bros

-> bellyball zesty?? changing ur contact name immediately

-> yn.yln.06 lmaooo changed it to zesty boyfie?

ynssupersecretspamm

we are ballin we are fearless we are boyfie’d up on birthday din

sconklin05 happy birthday darling ❤️

-> ynssupersecretspamm oh so now im darling??

-> bellyball fight fight fight

-> connonball let’s be honest steven would lose he’d just be staring into yn’s eyes and get punched or smn

-> sconklin05 this u?? 👩🤜 👱‍♂️

jerebearr HAPPY BIRTHDAY YN!!!

-> ynssupersecretspamm AWWWW ILYYY TY

-> jerebearr we’re getting so drunk

-> bellyball IM MAKING MY SPECIAL POMMY JUICE

-> sconklin05 spare us please @bellyball

#☕️ — [ cozy cafe event ]#tsitp #steven conklin #conklin #fisher #conrad fisher #belly x conrad #jeremiah fisher #belly conklin #yn #x yn

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ghostfacd · 1 year ago

Text

I’M A JEALOUS, JEALOUS, JEALOUS, BOY. | TOM BLYTH

PAIRING. tom blyth x fem!actress!reader

SUMMARY. after gaining massive popularity, you star another show where you have to kiss your co star, which tom isn’t exactly happy about

AUTHOR NOTE. Two posts in one day? Who am I??anyway! This was self indulging because I love Steven Conklin and nobody writes for him 😔 As always, reblogs and comments make me more motivated to continue this series :)

installment of this au | the reader plays fictional character “ella fisher” in tsitp!

Tom wasn’t a jealous guy, at least, he didn’t think so. He was very secure in your relationship, always making sure he didn’t let his emotions get the best of him.

Like when you told him you had gotten the role of Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher’s sister in The Summer I Turned Pretty, and how you were Steven Conklin’s love interest, he congratulated you with a big hug.

He knew who was playing Steven—Sean Kaufman. There was no doubt that Steven was a very charming guy.

“You’re here!” You say giddily, engulfing your boyfriend in a hug when he approached you. “Daisy was just patching up the last of my concealer. Did you get any food?”

Daisy was your makeup artist—and one of the sweetest girls you’ve ever met in your life. She knew the cast pretty well, so when you first got here, she helped break the ice between you and them.

“You know I did,” Tom says, placing the paper bag down on your table. He opened it up, retrieving an iced matcha latte and a poke bowl. You squealed in delight, excited to eat after filming for so long.

“So how was your day?” You say, cheekily grinning at him as you ate your bowl.

“Tiring? I did a photo shoot, it was fun. Then I went home and took a nap, and then I drove to buy you food.”

“Well thank you babe,” you say. “Today was such an exhausting day, so much retakes cause of all the sand. But God do I love this show to death. It’s so much all at once but in a good way, you know?”

“Well I’m just excited to see my girl on the big screen,” Tom smiles, leaning in to give you a kiss on your forehead.

“YN! Time to film again!” The voice of your director calls out, making you shove your bowl into Tom’s hands and rushing over to the cameramen.

Tom carefully places your bowl down, walking over quietly behind the cameras to watch your scene up close.

He watches as you talk to Lola, who plays Belly, about your plans after high school, and how you wanted to apply for Princeton just like Steven. She rolls her eyes, saying how she doesn’t get how you and Steven get along so well.

Later in the scene, you and Sean sit close together in front of a campfire. Tom remembers vividly of you telling him there was a scene between your character and Steven where the two of you would get extremely close. Tom feels his breath hitch when he sees Sean make you laugh. He knows that it’s just acting—that your character and Sean’s character are love interests in the show, and that it means nothing in real life.

But he just feels so weird. His stomach is in knots, and it feels like his mouth is dry.

“You know,” Sean begins, leaning in close to your face. “I know Belly doesn’t want me liking any of her friends, and your brothers would totally kill me if they knew; but you’re making it so hard.”

“Really Steven?” You fake giggle, leaning closer to his touch. “Well they don’t have to know.”

Sean laughs at your comment, his head falling against your shoulder, something that Tom had always done with you.

And then he sees the director cue the cameramen to zoom in, and then there it is. — You and Sean kiss, and Tom feels his feet move away from the scene without even realizing.

“And… cut!” The director says, clapping. “Good job Sean and Y/N! You really captured the tension between Steven and Ella. That’s a wrap!”

You hug Sean afterwards, the two of you laughing about how stupid the kiss must’ve looked but you knew the viewers would eat it up once the episodes aired.

“Where’s that boyfriend of yours?” Gavin asks, suddenly showing up behind you and Sean.

“Gavin!” You say, putting your hand to your chest. “Way to scare a girl to death!”

Gavin laughs, poking at your sides teasingly. “Just kidding, I know where he is. Stormed off where Lola and Christopher are standing.”

“Storm off?” You say, confused.

“Seems like lover boy wasn’t too keen on you kissing our Sean over here.”

You quickly make your way towards where Lola and Christopher were standing, and just like Gavin had said, Tom was standing behind them. He didn’t look too happy.

“What’s wrong?” You ask, pulling the boy away for some privacy.

“It’s nothing.”

“Oh c’mon,” you scoff. “It can’t be nothing. Gavin said you stormed off earlier.”

Tom sighs, clearly wanting to drop the topic. But one look into your genuine concerned eyes makes him crack.

“I was jealous.” He admits, biting his lip back in embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

You bite back a smile, arms linking with his. “Awe babe, it’s okay. Just acting. Just like how you kissed Rachel in the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Yeah,” Tom sighs, bringing your body close to his. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have felt that way.”

“It’s okay,” you reassure him, smiling brightly. “Feeling jealous is bound to happen with our job, as long as we communicate about it, everything will be fine.” You hug his side, snuggling your face into his coat. “Plus, you know Sean has a girlfriend, right?”

“What?” Tom seems baffled, but he quickly covers it up. “No, yeah, I knew that.”

“Uh huh,” you tease, “don’t worry Tom, I love you the most.”

He leans down, making eye contact with you. “Well I sure hope so, because I love you the most as well.”

And everything was perfect until Gavin lets out a fake barf, telling the two of you to “get a room”.

“Oh get out of here Gav!” You say, shooing him away.

“Yeah Gavin, let the couple have their moment!”

That makes everyone laugh, and you swore you never felt happier than you did right now.

#coriolanus snow #coriolanus snow angst #coriolanus snow x you #coriolanus snow smut #coriolanus snow imagine #coriolanus snow fanfiction #coriolanus snow x reader #tom blyth x reader #tom blyth #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #tbosbas #tbosas #the hunger games x reader #the hunger games

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swanhaze · 1 year ago

Text

ON THE BEACH — conrad fisher x reader

warnings: alcohol, swearing, yn is a mess, miscommunication, angst, slight hurt comfort

she stumbled through the sweaty bodies of people, her mind spiraling, the bottle of alcohol feeling heavy in her hand, this past year has been rough for yn, the love of her life dating her best friend, losing the house that she spent all her summers in, the women who was like her second mother dying.

it was bound to happen but it didn’t hurt any less, just like yn finding a full bottle of alcohol on the table and picking it up was bound to happen, hurt people do that sometimes.

the night air hits her when she walked out party, this was exactly what she needed, the late night breeze to bath her and wash away all her stress and hurt.

she lets out a sigh, closing her eyes feeling at peace for second, but that was interrupted when she opened her eyes to see two fishers and a conklin looking at her with not the best looking facial expressions.

“what happened?” she asks, her words slurring together, a product of the amount of alcohol that she’s had in the past hours.

there’s silence for a couple seconds that felt like hours, the six eyes of the three people looking at her in concern, it was obvious that she wasn’t it the right state of mind to be telling her this, especially when yn loved the beach house so much and losing it has been doing a toll on her.

the conklin girl is the first to speak up, “nothing, yn.” she says softly, trying her best to shake up yn, lately anything she says to yn angered the girl lately, it’s not like belly could blame her though.

yn stumbled down the steps, grabbing onto to jeremiah’s shoulder to stabilize herself, “it doesn’t seem like nothing.” she says, bringing the bottle to her lips.

she feels his eyes on her, the older fisher, but her clouded mind tries to ignore it, she can’t be weak.

“it’s nothing I promise.” belly says inching closer to her best friend hesitantly, are they even best friends anymore?, “hey, maybe you should take a break from the drinks.” she says raising her hand to take the already half way done bottle from yn.

yn brings her hand that holds the bottle away from belly’s reach, scowling at the girl, “why?” she asks, “don’t act like you’re a saint Isabel, that’s never gotten drunk before.” yn says implying to last summer.

the taller girl squeezed her eyes before opening them again, “that’s not what I’m saying.”

“that’s exactly what you’re saying.” yn says moving away from jeremiah’s shoulder, she knew that wasn’t what belly was saying, but her drunken mind wanted to pick a fight, something she couldn’t do all year, because she was pretending to be fine.

“because you’re belly conklin.” yn says tauntingly, “the girl that can’t do no harm, the saint that everyone loves, give it up for belly conklin everybody!” yn yells unexpectedly grabbing some attention of some of the people around them, they get waved off by conrad.

Jeremiah puts his hand on yn’s shoulder but she shrugs him off, “but you know who should be called the saint?” she asks sarcastically walking closer to the other girl, “me.” she points to her own chest. “because I never would’ve did what you did to me belly.” yn says tearfully, the hurt from the past year fills yn’s head as she tilts her head back to keep her tears at bay, “I would’ve never done that to you.”

“yn.” his voice fills her ears, a sense of concern is in his tone, it makes her feel weak, something that she never wants to be, but look at her now, drunk and almost in tears.

“what are you talking about yn?” Jeremiah cuts his brother off, but he knows what she’s talking about, everyone knows, all except conrad.

“nothing.” she says mocking the words that were said to her not to long ago, she then smiles her emotions doing a 360, “who cares, let’s have fun guys!” she exclaims, trying her best to take their minds off of the vulnerability that she just showed. “it’s a party!”

conrad finally inches closer to her, trying his best to take the bottle out of the intoxicated girl’s hands, “yn, belly’s right let’s take a break from the drink.”

she pushes his hand away, “no.” she whines stubbornly, backing away from him.

yn brings the bottle up to the sky and smiles, “let’s make a toast guys.” she says stumbling backwards, Jeremiah’s hand finding it’s way to her back immediately.

“let’s make a toast to…” she trails off looking up in thought, before her smile becomes bigger, “a toast to losing the beach house.” she jeered.

belly and jeremiah’s face fall even more if that’s possible at the girls words, conrad shaking his head disappointedly, disappointed that you would say that and even more disappointed that you let yourself get to this state.

she brings the bottle conrad’s face, only for it to be pushed away and she gives him a fake pout, “no toast?” she asks tauntingly.

“suite yourself.” she says brining to bottle to her lips.

she drunkenly walked away and yells out, “you guys are so boring!”, she takes another sip, “I’m going for a late night swim.”

the three watch her figure disappear into the night, “late night swim?” conrad whispers to himself in confusion.

her throat burns as she stumbles through the sand, heading towards the water that replicates a black hole, ready to suck her in.

she take of last big gulp of the alcohol before letting herself lay in the ocean, letting it take her away, only the sound of the waves filling her ears.

she finally feels at peace, she closes her eyes and lets all the hurt, stress and sorrow release from her, the waves wrapping around her like a cozy blanket, cradling her like how susannah would.

just as yn thought she had some peace, she feels herself being pulling from her blanket that is the waves and into the air, “what the hell yn!”

she’s thrown over the persons shoulder and out the water, she already knows who it is, and it’s makes her angry.

“let go of me!” she screams hitting his back repeatedly as he walks out the water, “you asshole!”

she feels herself being thrown on the sand and looks up at the oldest fisher, “why did you do that?” she demands.

“why did I do that?” he asks in shock, before pointing to the ocean behind him, “yn, you could’ve died! I just saved you.”

“I didn’t ask to be saved.” she said stubbornly as she got off the sand and stood up.

“what’s your problem?” he says, it sounds like he’s completely fed up.

“what do you mean?”

“wha-what do I mean?” he asks walking closer to the shorter girl, “yn you’ve been acting different since last summer, all you’ve done is ignore me and if you’re not ignoring me you’re giving snarky marks, you’ve been a brat all year.” he says pointing at her accusingly.

“I have not been a brat!” she raises her voice defensively.

“yes you have!” he yells back leaning down to her face.

“even if I was being a brat I have every right to be!”

“really yn?” he laughs sarcastically, “really? what’s your right for acting like a fucking brat.”

“-because I’m hurt!” she yells over him, pointing at her self, “I’m hurt that you would date my best friend knowing that I was in love with you!” a nasty sob is finding it’s way up her throat, everything that she’s pushed down from the last year finding it’s way up.

he inches closer to her, he looks at her like she spoke another language , she’s in love with him? “what are you talking about?” his voice is shaking, his hands are shaking.

“don’t make me repeat it.” she whimpers, this is what she was afraid off, she lets something out and she can’t stop.

“you’re in love with me?”

“why are you acting like you don’t know?”

“because I did’n-!”

“you didn’t know?! are you serious conrad?” she yells over his yells, “do you take me for an idiot? everyone knows, steven knew, jer knew, taylor knew, shayla knew, your mom knew, belly and steven’s mom knew, my mom knew!”

yn lets out a shaky breath, “belly knew.” she says letting a small cry out, she still can’t believe that her best friend would do that to her. “everyone knew conrad, you had to know!”

he shakes his head repeatedly, bringing her face closer to his chest, “I didn’t know.” he whimpers and repeats himself about ten times as she sobs into his chest. “do you know how hard it was to watch you two? so shameless, it felt like you didn’t care for my feelings at all.” she cries turning her face away, but he cups her face in his hands and turns her to face him.

“I’m so sorry yn, I didn’t know.” he says letting his thumbs wipe her cheeks, “this changes everything..” he trails off, “if I knew I would’ve…”

“you would’ve what!” she cuts him off, pulling away from his grasp.

“yeah you would’ve what conrad?!”

both conrad and yn snap their heads in the direction of the familiar voice.

belly stands in the sand her orange outfit making her stand out, she doesn’t look at yn, knowing she’ll cry if she looks at her broken best friend, “you would’ve what conrad?”

“belly…” he trails off.

“no,no you would’ve what? you would’ve dated yn?” she asks walking closer to the two.

“don’t do that…”

“no,no, you would’ve what? you would’ve dated her?”

“yes, I would’ve!”

belly and yn flinch at his outburst, he would’ve what? “and you would’ve never forgotten her corsage too right?”

yn shakes her head trying her beast to wrap her head around what just came out, the man that she’s been in love with her whole life’s mouth. “I… I need to go..” she says stumbling away from belly and conrad.

“wait yn!” conrad exclaimed reaching out for her.

“I’m sorry.” she says walking away, “I can’t right now… I’m tired.” she then walks into the night leaving her best friend and the love of her life in the beach.

#the summer i turned pretty #tsitp conrad #conrad fisher #conrad x reader #conrad fisher x you #conrad fisher x reader #belly conklin #jeremiah fisher #the summer I turned pretty x reader

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darkeralmond · 2 years ago

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reader x conrad fisher where she/yn is belly’s bff and has been coming with them to cousins for the past couple summers.. one summer things change between yn and conrad and they kiss on the last night but she says they can’t (obviously bcos she knows how belly feels about him) next summer tho she gives in and they start secretly dating/hooking up and then belly finds out — v angsty with maybe some smut 💗

by far one of my favorite requests, anon! thank u sm for the request!! i love u sm!! ❤️❤️

Dead To Me

Conrad x fem! Reader

synopsis: conrad confessed the y/n last summer about how much he liked her, but y/n told him that they couldn’t date. this summer, the night when belly goes out with cam to a drive in movie, y/n finally decides she wants to be with conrad but only in secret. when y/n and conrad are getting hot and heavy at nicole’s party, belly walks in…

warnings: 18+, underage drinking, light smut, vulgar language, y/n playing the victim, angst

word count: 2.7k

a/n: i got a bit carried away, but this shit was SO FUN TO WRITE OML!! I laughed, I loved, and I cried when writing this. thank u sm anon for suggested this, I think this is one of the best works I’ve written in a while.

masterlist | request info

Cam parked in front of the house and looked over at Belly before glancing back at you. “You girls ready?” he asked with a smile on his face.

Belly turned back to you and nodded her head confidently. “Let’s go,” she said. You hopped out of the backseat and linked arms with Belly. Cam the two of you like a lost puppy as you and Belly both strutted into the house confidently. You held your chin up high as you walked up through the front door.

Loud music blared from the speakers when the three of you entered. There were people everywhere drinking and getting high. “Belly!” a girl called out to her. She ran up to Belly and hugged her tightly while squealing.

Seeing how happy Belly was with this other girl sparked jealousy in you. It made it seem like she’d be fine without you. Belly then let go and turned to you. “Y/N, this is Nicole! She’s my older deb sister!”

Nicole. You knew that name. It was the name of the girl Conrad took to the deb ball previously. “Hi,” you faked a smile. You spoke in a honeyed voice to throw Belly and Nicole off.

“Y/N! I’ve heard so much about you!” Nicole held out her hand to shake. You hesitantly took it and gave it a firm shake before quickly letting go. Something about her seemed fake, and you weren’t saying that only because of her association with Conrad. “Let’s go get some cake!” She grabbed Belly’s hand and dragged her off, leaving you standing alone.

“Well, great,” you muttered to yourself as you looked around for anyone to talk to. Jeremiah was on the couch flirting to some guy you didn’t know and Steven was just running around getting drunk. Your blood boiled as the feeling of loneliness settled in.

You needed a drink to wash away this feeling of anger. You slivered through everyone, making a beeline to the kitchen to find any sort of alcohol. Your eyes landed on the Pink Whiteley bottle on the counter. Something to wash it all away. You popped the bottle open and poured it into a red solo cup. You then started sipping on it while examining the people in the kitchen.

That’s when you met his gaze from across the room. He drank out of a beer bottle while staring at you. You wouldn’t… not with him. Not on Belly’s birthday. But Belky was occupied with her other friends, she wouldn’t notice if you disappeared.

Your eyes shot a look over to the stairs as you jerked your head over. He caught your gist and immediately stopped his conversation with the group he was talking to.

You couldn’t hear what he said to them, the word you could read off his lips was “bathroom”. You then snuck through the crowd and up the stairs. A minute or two later, he ran up the stairs to meet you at the top.

LAST SUMMER

You sat on the beach next to Conrad as the two of you stared out at the waves. “What’s it like…?” you asked, looking over at him.

He chuckled, “What’s what like?”

“You know… sophomore year.” You had been pretty nervous for your sophomore year, it was all you and Belly had talked about this summer. “Everyone says it’s way harder than freshman year and I’m really nervous.”

“Oh,” he smiled. He looked over at you, something about his blue eyes made your heart flutter. No, stop. This was your best friend’s crush. “Nah, it’s pretty much the same. Just have to take a couple APs and a few state tests.” He placed his hand on yours as he said, “You’ll be fine. You’re smart enough to make good decisions.”

Conrad then squeezed your hands. You felt a surge of electricity run up your arm and straight to your chest. You never realized how badly you wanted to hold his hand until now.

As the two of you sat there you thought about how wrong this felt. You had always felt this way about Conrad, you had always wanted to tell Belly, but she beat you to it. He always managed to give you an amazing feeling that you had to deny. Belly suggested you should get with Jeremiah since she thought he would be perfect for you, but you didn’t want to.

You always thought about Conrad. You thought about how cute he was, but it wasn’t just his cuteness either. Conrad really knew what he did and was confident in himself in ways no one ever had before.

“Y/N, can I tell you something?” he scooted closer to you to the point where your shoulders touched.

You froze, “Uh, sure.”

Conrad sighed softly and leaned toward you, his breath tickling your ear. His words sent shivers down your spine. They sounded almost seductive. “I like you. Like, I think about you constantly. Like, sometimes I dream about you when I’m awake. Like, all the time.” He pulled away and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Sorry if that was weird, I don’t normally say things like that.”

The world fell silent around you. Even though there was nothing but crashing waves, the air felt charged. You looked down to where your feet were buried in the cool early morning sand. You could feel the warm blush spread over your cheeks. You bit your lip nervously.

“I really like you too,” you finally breathed out. “But we can’t be together.” You couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. Not when you knew what kind of expression he was giving you. If you glanced up right now you would make you feel even more guilty.

“What do you mean?” he sounded confused. Obviously he was, he probably didn’t know rejection like this. That’s if you could even consider your answer rejection.

“Belly…” you swallowed, your mouth feeling incredibly dry. The words stuck in your throat. Your thoughts raced, trying to conjure the sentence together. “She…she likes you. She’s liked you ever since she was 10. I can’t do this to her. It’ll hurt her”

Conrad was quiet for a moment. “I don’t care about that, I care about you, Y/N.” Your heart sank. “I want to at least try.”

There was another long pause. You felt the tension build between you. “No,” you whispered softly. “I don’t think we should.” You didn’t want to hurt Belly. You just felt so conflicted about this whole thing. You stood up, your hand fell out of his. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this to her.”

You walked back to the beach house, taking long and quick steps. He called your name repeatedly, but you didn’t listen. You were a better friend than that.

THE BEGINNING OF THIS SUMMER

“Y/N,” Belly said as she walked into your guys’ shared bedroom. “I need to tell you something.”

You looked up at her while taking a sip of your Coke. “What?” You placed the can down on the nightstand, kicking your feet as they hung off the bed.

She plopped down next to you and put her hands on your thigh. “Well,” she had an enlarged smile on her face as her cheeks flushed red. “You remember Cam, right?” You nodded your head which warranted her to say, “He asked me out on a date!”

You gasped, grabbing her hands quickly as you turned your body to face her. “Oh, my God!” The two of you squealed and bounced with joy. “Belly, this is huge! Your first date!”

Her eyes sparkled happily as she gushed about her date. Her excitement was contagious; you also couldn't stop smiling. “Yeah! I need you to help me pick out an outfit for tonight.”

Your smile then faded a bit, “Wait, date tonight? Bells, who am I gonna hang out with?”

She shrugged, “You can hang out with the boys while I’m gone. I think conrad’s staying in..”

Right, she doesn’t know. You sighed, looking away from her. You were on the fence of telling her about what happened last summer, but you couldn’t. Not when she was this happy.

You took a deep breath in and met her gaze again. “Alright, but you have to promise you’ll tell me everything when you get back.” You grabbed her shoulders and shook them excitedly.

“Ok, ok.” She laughed as she got up. “Now, help me pick something out!”

Later that night, you laid on her bed. She still wasn’t back and you were feeling lonely. Not just because Belly wasn’t here, but you wanted to be with Conrad. You had since last summer, you knew it was the right time to finally do so. Belly had a crush on someone who wasn’t Conrad. You knew what you had to do…

You had to talk to Conrad.

You rolled out of her bed and snuck down the hall to his bedroom. The rooms felt closer than usual as you lunged for his room. You held your fist up to knock, but you froze. You couldn’t move anything. There was an invisible force holding you in place. It felt like you were being held against your will.

The door swung open and there stood Conrad in front of you. He looked a little bit disheveled. His hair had fallen down, covering some of his face. “Oh, hey,” he said while looking down at you, running his fingers through his hair in an effort to fix it. “Did you… uh… need something?” he stepped aside and motioned for you to come into his room.

“Yeah actually,” you replied quietly as you followed him in. He went over to his bed where he sat down, tuning his guitar. You sat down in the rolly chair by his desk and patted your hands against your thighs. After a few minutes, you cleared your throat. “Listen, I wanted to talk about last Summer.”

Conrad looked up from his guitar for a second. “Sure. What about it?”

You bit your lip nervously. “I think we should do it.”

His head snapped up. “What?”

“Belly’s going out with Cam now and she’s lost interest in you,” you spoke slowly, unsure of where this conversation was headed. “And, well, I like the idea of being together.”

A nervous grin spread across his lips. “So we can do it?”

You nodded, “Yeah. We can do it, but only in secret.”

He smiled brightly, leaning his guitar against the wall. “Are you sure?” He asked, staring into your eyes intently.

“Positive,” you answered.

PRESENT

He lifted you by your waist onto the dresser before placing his lips on yours passionately. You felt every muscle in your stomach twitch. He kissed you deeply, making sure to pull you closer to him. As his fingers brushed against your chest, you gasped lightly.

Part of you felt guilty for hooking up with Conrad while Belly was just downstairs. Part of you felt angry for the way Belly ditched you to hang out with her “better friends”. Part of you felt scared that Belly would catch you two in the act of hooking up. Part of you liked the adrenaline that came from hooking up in secret. It made things more exciting between you and Conrad, and it sure as hell created more sexual tension.

As you pressed yourself closer to him, your hands found their way under his shirt. His skin was smooth and tanned. He hummed against your lips as your hands traced his skin.

He pulled away and quickly locked his lips onto your chin, leading down to your neck. His tongue trailed along it as he sucked lightly on a spot. You let out a small moan at the sensation. A shiver ran down your spine at his touch. You ran your fingers through his silk hair as he began to suck harder at your skin.

“Conrad…” you moaned, running your fingers through his hair again. He growled low. “Please,” you begged as you tugged gently at his hair. You tried to take control of the situation, but he wouldn’t let you. Instead, he took over.

You felt your mind slip into darkness for a few moments as you felt him press kisses to the side of your neck. His hands then moved to your breasts, caressing them gently. Your body jolted at the unexpected pleasure.

His hands were warm against your skin as they rubbed up and down the sides of your breasts slowly. His breath huffed against your neck as he began sucking hard. His teeth lightly grazed the skin causing your entire body to shake.

“What the fuck?” a voice yelled. You opened your eyes as Conrad quickly let go of you. Belly stood there with her mouth wide open, her eyebrows lowered as she stared at you two. “Y/N, are you fucking serious?!”

Conrad was frozen in fear. “Belly, let me explain!” You quickly hopped off the counter and approached her.

“You’re hooking up with Conrad?!” she yelled.

Conrad glanced down at you, “I think I should…”

“No! You’re staying right there!” She pointed at him as she cut him off. “Y/N, were you going to tell me?”

“I-I wanted to tell you earlier, but you were too happy talking about Cam,” you stuttered. “I didn’t want to hurt you by telling you!”

She scoffed, “You wanna know what hurts? You hooking up with Conrad to begin with!”

Your jaw tightened as you glared at her. “It shouldn’t matter now! You’re gonna end up dating Cam anyways!” You were starting to get upset as she stood in front of you with her arms crossed.

Her eyebrows raised in anger. “Don’t bring Cam into this! You know exactly why I don’t want you hooking up with Conrad.” She stared at you as she saw your expression turn even more guilty.

She noticed as Conrad turned his attention away from her. “You fucking told him, didn’t you?” You stayed silent, just staring at her. She scoffed, “Of course you did.” She let in a long inhale, she was on the verge of tears.

She shook her head as she paced around the room. You had never seen her this hurt before, you didn’t know how to react. She took in a long inhale. “How long…?” She turned to face you. “How long have you been hooking up?”

You frowned, “We started hooking up the night you left with Cam...”

She walked toward you while grasping onto her hair like she could pull it out. “Is this some kind of sick joke?!” Her voice cracked at the end as her fists clenched at her sides. “Why?! Why would you do this to me?!”

You flinched. “I like him, Belly. He likes me.”

“Oh yeah?” She was crying now, from a mixture of sadness or anger. “You’re dead to me…” She made her way to the door to leave.

“Belly,” you called out to her. “You don’t mean that…”

Her eyes flickered back towards you, “We both know I fucking mean it.” She turned and slammed the bedroom door shut.

You stood there, tears falling down your face as you turned to face Conrad. You could see the hurt and regret in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped himself. He seemed hesitant to say anything.

When he finally decided to speak, he sounded almost ashamed. “This wasn’t my intention.” He looked away from you then.

You walked up to him and hugged him tightly. “I know…” You sighed, “Belly’s just heart broken.” You cried harder, “I’m such a bad friend!”

“Don’t say that” His arms snaked themselves around your waist as you buried your face in his shoulder. “I hate that this is how she finds out about us.”

“Me too,” you sobbed. This whole thing was a mistake. Not telling Belly was a mistake. You should’ve just been honest. Conrad rubbed his hand up and down your back as you cried. “I wanna go home…”

“I can drive you back to the beach house,” Conrad suggested.

“No,” you looked up at him. “I want to go home.”

#conrad fisher x y/n #conrad fisher #conrad fisher smut #conrad fisher x reader #secret dating #getting caught #smut fanfiction #angst imagine

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mvltisstuff · 1 year ago

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can you do a conrad x reader and he meets yn at one of his moms chemo sessions- yn being a cancer patient- always sitting with susannah because she’s always wanted a mother figure so she starts spending time at the beach house and conrad falls for her pls!!

electric touch - c.f

summary: request

conrad fisher x reader

a/n: wanted to get this right for you, hope you enjoy <3

when susannah was first diagnosed, she went through extensive amounts of treatment to try and beat the cruel disease. luckily, it eventually faded and left her alone. she was able to get more time with her boys, feeling strong in her ability to fight it off. only until it returned, but she fought through one more summer with her boys.

while she was in chemotherapy, she met a girl. her name was y/n and she had been diagnosed with her own cancer. susannah’s heart broke every single time she saw y/n. she was so young, and no one ever deserves to be put through that hell. when y/n was sat next to susannah for a treatment, they connected. she felt something with the girl, maybe her being so close in age to her boys. she can’t imagine not being there for them.

“i’m susannah,” she smiles gracefully at y/n who returned her own grin.

“i’m y/n,” she told. “it’s nice to meet you.”

susannah admired her positivity. it’s hard to be so optimistic in this situation and the room, surrounded by people who are held down by a vicious force of nature.

“you have a beautiful smile,” y/n said to susannah, causing her to awe at her and completely adore her. every time treatments came around again, y/n sat with susannah. they always wanted to sit with each other, sharing funny stories and eating the hospital popsicles.

“are you from massachusetts?” susannah asked.

“yeah, i’ve been here my whole life,” y/n said, taking a lick of her popsicle. “i’m here with my dad, my mom moved away. she’s not really a part of anything anymore.”

“does she know you’re sick?”

“yeah, she knows,” y/n’s expression changed so sadness. “there’s nothing she can do, you know?”

“i’m sorry, sweetie.”

“it’s ok,” y/n replied. “i’m glad you’re here, though.”

susannah beamed back at her, almost forgetting the situation they were in. y/n’s personality completely shined when she was with susannah. she was almost like her own mother, supporting her and being there for the good and bad news. y/n was there for susannah every day, doing random activities and just gossiping about. they eventually discovered that both of them usually spent summers in cousins beach, and they hoped they would see each other there.

susannah had finally been cleared, her cancer going away as she continued to live her wonderful life. she saw her boys every day, something to never take for granted. she thought about y/n a lot, messaging her on facebook to see her condition. soon after, y/n had pushed through her own battle, and she was cancer free. that summer, she swore would be the best of her life.

cousins was a great place. it was relaxing, it was an escape from all the chaos and haunting memories of her sickness. she felt like a kid again in cousins, she was happier than ever there. susannah was basically her mother at this point, talking to her more than her biological mother does. she was kind of like her best friend, the only one who truly understands how it is sometimes.

susannah had wanted to take conrad and jeremiah shopping, and she had laurel and her kids come too. they were all messing around in little gift shops, finding cute outfits for each other and susannah spoiling all of them. when she walked into a little boutique with stylish items for everyone, she could tell by the back of y/n that it was her. she was browsing around the comfortable cousins merchandise, feeling the soft fabrics and letters on the hoodies. y/n eventually turned around, locking eyes with susannah.

“y/n!” susannah shouted. “you look so beautiful!”

y/n reached in for a hug, holding susannah in her arms as susannah almost cried in happiness. “you look so pretty, susannah.”

“i’m so happy to see you! i was hoping we would bump into each other, but you look like you’re doing really well!” susannah placed a hand on her cheek.

“i feel good!” y/n added, holding onto her hand as she ran her fingers through her growing hair, just touching her shoulders now. “how are you, though, it’s been so long since i’ve seen you in person.”

“i know, it’s been a crazy year, but- oh!” she turns around to her boys, pulling them to her side. “these are my sons, conrad and jeremiah.”

she looks at jeremiah who has the same, bright smile on his face as his mother. he waves lightly, making y/n feel comfortable in him, like an old friend. when she looks at conrad, he’s slightly more smirky than jeremiah. he’s fully admiring y/n, hearing so much about her and finally meeting her. he never knew she was so gorgeous, wondering why his mom never told him.

when she held eye contact with conrad, y/n could sense herself getting more and more nervous. the back of her neck got hot and she wanted to make sure she looked good. conrad was really cute, and there was no denying that.

“this is my best friend, laurel and her kids,” y/n waved hello to belly and steven, who looked kind and lovely. belly was thrilled, hopefully being able to make a new friend who has the graciousness of susannah. “oh! you should come to our house tonight! connie and jere can set up the grill!”

y/n looked at the accepting smiles of her new friends. “i’d love to, susannah!”

that night at her own beach house, y/n picked out her best outfit, hoping to secretly impress the boys. she’s been so used to hospitals and staying home that being able to dress up for people felt like a relief. she formed two small braids on the top of her head, letting the rest of her hair down. she picked a pair of shorts and white corset top with small peach-colored flowers. she felt good when she looked in the mirror, confident and pretty. she added a few final pieces of jewelry and walked downstairs with her purse.

“hi, dad,” she said, walking up to her father who was in the kitchen. “i’m going to meet susannah and her family.”

“that’s great!” he replied, voice full of excitement. “i’m meeting up with some friends at the pub, but hey, have a good time, ok? if you need anything at all call me and i’ll bring you anything-“

“dad,” y/n giggles. “i’m fine, you need to have fun tonight, let loose a little?”

“alright, kid. i’ll see you later,” y/n then scurried out the door and into her car, driving anxiously to the fisher house. she was excited to spend some time with her outside of the white, dull walls of the chemo rooms. she hoped that belly and steven would want to be her friend, someone to confide in. the fisher boys looked sweeter than anyone, jeremiah’s bright smile illuminating whatever room he was in and conrad’s personality lightly shining through.

when she walked up to the door, she barely had to knock before susannah pulled the door open. “you’re here! we’re hanging out in the back, come!”

y/n walked through the house, admiring the organized furniture and the aroma of the beach. she glanced at the photos of the families, posing softly with their kids, past and present. she reached the doors to the back patio, seeing everyone all about. “hey, y/n!” jeremiah said, the first to notice that she had walked in.

“y/n!” belly exclaimed. “i’m so glad someone is here to save me from them.”

y/n laughed at her little jokes, noticing the faint stare from conrad as he continued to set up the food for dinner. y/n made her rounds to everyone, chatting up with them before noticing conrad by himself. the rest of them were talking, so y/n stood and walked over to conrad.

“i didn’t realize you were so passionate about cheeseburgers,” y/n grins lightly, getting the same from conrad.

“my mom told me that they better be good,” he said. “she’s very particular about her burgers.”

“ah, i see,” y/n looks back at him, his eyes still on her.

“hey, congrats on being cleared. that’s really awesome,” conrad tells her, making her smile.

“thank you, conrad.”

“you know, we’ve heard a lot about you,” he said. “my mom loves you like a daughter. i’m glad we could finally meet in person, though.”

“i’m really glad i’m here,” conrad can’t seem to pull his eyes away from hers. each detail in her eyes is admired by him, looking at her pretty features and her perfect outfit. her cheeks, her eyes, her lips-

he was pulled directly out of his thoughts when he saw the harsh smoking of one of the burgers, completely burnt. “shit,” he looks, picking the patty up and tossing it out. his eyes are directed to y/n’s face again, holding back a little chuckle. he starts laughing himself, “i hope my mom doesn’t notice.”

once everyones stomachs are full, and they savored the delicious meals from conrad and his mother, laurel gets up and starts a fire in the pit. the warmth of the flames reaches y/n, making her body feel tingly and comforted as she looks at conrad.

he’s sitting back in his chair, hair swooped perfectly out of his face. he has a faint smirk on his mouth, looking at his brother and steven argue about god knows what.

“hold on,” jere speaks. “we should go swimming, what are we doing?”

“i’ll go change!” steven yells, running inside the house to find his swim shorts.

“wanna swim?” conrad asks y/n.

“oh, i didn’t bring a bathing suit,” she informs, her smile dropping slightly.

“you can borrow one of mine!” belly tells her, excitement creeping into her words. “here, come with me.”

y/n takes her hand and jogs up the stairs, going into her room as belly holds up different options. she ends up going for the blue striped one, fitting her perfectly and easy to swim in. she walks out with a towel that she also borrowed, standing next to belly looking into the pool.

“i’m just gonna jump,” y/n says, not bothering to dip her toes in first.

“me too,” belly says, taking a step back as they both jump into the water. the cool pool engulfs y/n’s body, seeing the tiny bubbles around her as she opens her eyes underwater. the quick impact with the water sends a few chills up her spine, feeling the tingling on her skin. the previously calm water was splashing all around her when she came back to the surface. y/n brusher her hair out of her face, looking at the three boys jumping in next to them. she and belly let out playful screams, as steven scooped up his sister and threw her back in.

“volleyball tournament!” belly shouts. “me and y/n vs the guys.”

the boys groan sarcastically, as y/n swims over to one side with belly as the ball is blown up. she starts out hitting it perfectly, belly being surprised. “do you play, y/n?”

“i did a few years ago, but got sick and had to quit,” y/n tells her. sadly having to miss the next few years of her sport.

“oh, y/n, i’m sorry,” belly begins.

“don’t be, really,” y/n says, a polite smile on her face, making belly feel better. “i’m ready now to kick their ass, so c’mon!”

belly grins back at her, serving the ball over to the guys and hitting it back to y/n. when she hits it over to belly, conrad looks at her sweet smile on her face again, blessing conrad’s eyes. he’s so focused on how beautiful she is, and he wants to just worship her. he was so fixated on her that he completely missed the ball coming his way, letting it fall into the pool.

“ah! conrad-“ jeremiah says through gritted teeth, shaking his hands at him. y/n laughs softly before moving to the edge of the pool. the slight fatigue and dizziness made her want to get out to just sit for a few minutes. of course, it didn’t take conrad to notice her absence and her walking out of the pool with a clear grimace.

“y/n, you ok?” he asks, voice full of concern.

“yeah, i’m good,” she says, locking eyes with susannah and laurel. susannah gets up, ready to offer y/n anything she might need. conrad swims to the edge of the pool, pulling himself out and walking toward y/n. susannah brings over a cold bottle of water for y/n.

she sits for a few minutes, consuming the drink susannah gave her and feeling better. she must have been dehydrated, forgetting to drink more water while she was hanging out with everyone. “how are you feeling?” conrad asks.

“i’m fine, now,” y/n smiles up at him. “i just hadn’t drank enough water, that’s all.” conrad pulls up a chair next to her, watching the rest of them play around in the pool.

“does it get scary sometimes? sorry, i know that’s a weird question but-“

“no such thing as a weird question. but, i mean it’s all scary. any small symptom could be related to the cancer i had. it gets easier though, it gets less and less scary the more time goes on.”

“it sucks you had to go through that.”

“yeah, it does. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but i can’t change it. i just don’t want the rest of my life being dictated by it.”

it’s almost difficult for conrad to comprehend how someone can be so bright about things. he’s infatuated by the way she views the world around her. he wishes he could be more like her, wanting to see things in a different light like she was forced to at such a young age. conrad knows she’s someone to be loved, and he knows she needs it. he knows he could be the one to do it.

“you’re a really great person, y/n,” he mumbles out, y/n being able to catch every word.

“you’re a great person, too,” she tells him. “you didn’t have to come over here and waste time with me, but you made sure i was ok.”

“times never wasted with you,” he smirks, looking back at y/n who takes another sip of her water. “what are you doing tomorrow?”

“nothing, that i know of.”

“we should go do something, we can go to the boardwalk if you want.”

“i’d really like that,” y/n beams, giving conrad just more satisfaction. when susannah walks by, she taps conrad on the shoulder and kisses him on the cheek.

“you’re a good boy, connie,” she says, fully proud and praising her kind-hearted son.

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grapejuicestyless · 1 year ago

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conrad and fem!reader were bestfriends growing up but they were always in love. (reader is a conklin) they were both in love but they were both so oblivious to each others love (Susannah always knew hehe) I was thinking this could be inspired by ‘back to you’ by selena gomez

basically when susannah dies conrad lashes out on yn and says like the worst thing you can think of but then tries to kiss her and yn is so freaked out that they don’t see each other for years. After yn finishes college everyone reunites at the summer house and Conrad and yn finally realize what’s been right in front of them.

i know this is a lot but your writing is so beautiful especially with Conrad. thank u <3 🙏🏻

Back To You

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Angst to fluff

Summery: The request above^^^ I tried to stay as close to what was requested I hope this is okay! <3

The waves hit the wooden poles underneath our feet in a soft pattern. The thrashing of them shaking the dock just enough that you could feel it rocking. It was calming, breaking the silence that settled between my oldest son and I. Conrad had been off all spring, part of me connected it to his old ex girlfriend breaking it off with him, but that was just what I told myself because the thought that Conrad knew what was going on, something I swore I would keep hidden until it had to be know, made me sick with guilt. How my condition was weighing him down.

I took him out to the old dock just for one on one time. He used to love it out here at night. The way the stars illuminated the sky in their different patterns, the way even with them shifting, the constellations always found their way to stick together in the sky for a few weeks at a time. He loved the feeling of the damp wooden bench beneath his legs and how close we could cuddle up out here. He always loved it just being us.

“What’s going on, Connie?” My words were soft, in no way pushing him to open up any fresh wounds. He seemed wound up, his light dampened. I wanted to figure it out, I wanted to help him. The Conklin’s would be down here by morning and I worried that if left unresolved, it could bubble into a mess.

“Hm?” He acted confused, completely unaware to what I meant. I knew my son better than that though. He was always far too smart to play dumb.

“What’s got you down?” I put on my best smile, trying to squint my eyes to make them as welcoming as I could. My Conrad was never the most open with his feelings. He hated to be vulnerable. He told me once when he was younger that he felt if he was ever truly honest, the words would never be able to have been taken back. By saying things he didn’t say, by pushing people away, it gave him a good distance to build up the courage to make amends again. It gave him the time to choose when he was ready to open up his heart to whoever he wanted. He was always so conscious with things like that. Always thinking things through before doing them. It was funny how much a contrast he was with his feelings compared to Jeremiah. My spontaneous son who had no fears about regretting anything. Using his charm to get his way through life.

Laurel once joked that she believed Conrad’s eyes were so much darker because they held much more fear than Jeremiah’s. He was consumed by it. At the time we laughed, but now I was beginning to believe she was right. Here I was, preparing for a death nobody knew was coming and still, after nearly two decades of fighting and loving, I still was stuck at that distant arms length Conrad held me at.

He ignored the question, looking out to the sky. He knew he could’ve lied to me, could’ve made up something about his old heartbreak. How he was stressed with school. Anything to at least let me be able to give my support, even if it wasn’t in the areas he needed it. Conrad knew me like I knew him, though. Bound not only by blood but by love. There was no great excuse he could make that I wouldn’t pick up on. Mothers know everything, it’s our job.

My hands shook, partly from the cold and half from the disease working it’s way into my system. He shuttered sun my fingers wrapped around his, lips pressing to the back of his hand and my thumb smoothing over his skin to keep it stuck there.

“You don’t have to go through this alone, okay? When you feel like you need to say something, you don’t have to overthink it with me, okay? I’m your mom. I’ll love you no matter what’s going on in that mind of yours.” I saw the way his mouth twitched upward, a faltering smile so weak it was barely there. His eyes shinned in the moonlight, illuminated by the stars and the fireflies zipping by.

“Thank you, Mom.” He was honest then. I knew it by the way he said it. Like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders. He didn’t avoid my gaze, but held it firmly.

He crashed into me like one of the gentle waves into the dock. Arms wrapping around me in the biggest hug he’d given all year to me. His fingers dug into the back of my blouse, holding onto me for dead life in a way. He seemed desperate to be close to me.

A deep sigh left his nose, tickling the skin on my neck and down my back. I almost laughed at the feeling, but held it in to prolong the moment we were sharing. Soon, we would both be leaving whether we liked it or not, it was certain. I hoped that in the attempt to have one last perfect summer, Conrad and I could become closer. That we could all find a sense of happiness.

That sense came a few hours later. A wish being fulfilled without any extra begging. By now the moon was long gone, hiding beneath the horizon, the birds alive and singing. The children playing on nearby beaches and the whooshing of speeding cars passing the driveway.

Each part of the home was set up in the way I had hand picked it to be. My favorite flowers resting on the mantle and a bowl of the freshest fruits in the center of the kitchen countertops. The air was clean and crisp, blowing through the cracked window over the sink. It was cooling and refreshing, the outsides sounds seeping into the calm quiet of the house.

“They’re here!” My youngest shouted, heavy elephant feet stampeding down the stairs in pure excitement. I felt my own feet pick up from under me to jog outside. Summer was beginning.

The familiar silver car sat parked out by the bushes in the front, the engine still cooling and the sound of the car shutting off echoing through the area. The wheels moved from side to side, leaning closer to the ground to help give as the four missing pieces of Cousins announced their arrival.

Steven was the first to let his presence be known. His long, scrawny body stretching up after a long drive, an exaggerated groan becoming dragged out to truly emphasize how long their trip was. Jeremiah barely let him step away from the car before they were messing around, his arms wrapped around Steven in a welcoming hold. Their catching up was loud and joyful, jokes spewing off of their tongues without any extra effort.

Belly and Laurel came next, piling out of opposite sides of the car. Belly had occupied the passengers seat and Laurel the back right one. Both skipped the long stretch and made their way closer to their respected friends.

It was when Belly started making her way over to Jeremiah and Steven, giving an excited wave that I saw just how much she had changed. Her hair was longer, straighter. It fell just below her chest, shiny and thick. Her eyes seemed to sparkle brighter than last summer and her teeth had finally straightened enough to ditch the braces. It seemed like she was the center of attention for everyone because of these changes. Jeremiah swooning, hearts of eyes and Steven choosing to react in pure disgust, their playful teasing died down behind Laurels approaching voice.

“This has been a long time coming.” She sighed contently, arms already wrapping around me, feet in lifting from side to side to away smoothly. My hands rubbed along her back. She pulled away after a moment, observing the area, watching our kids. I saw her eyebrows furrow in confusion, almost like she was sad. I knew what it was.

Even in all this happiness, in all the reuniting and teasing, two very vital people remained missing. Y/n and Conrad.

While Belly and Jeremiah had an unbreakable bond that could carry any room, it never was really complete without Conrad and Y/n. To put it simply, even if Belly and Jeremiah were as great as they could be, Conrad and Y/n were the blueprint. They were the glue. No summer was truly starting until they were doing something irresponsible or stupid. One of them in a coughing fit, the other laughing themselves into one.

My lips drew themselves into a tight lipped smile, eyes finding the sky above. I swallowed. The words were in the tip of my tongue, the confession about what was happening with Conrad. What I believed was happening. I was getting ready to spill my guts about why Conrad wasn’t rushing out here. How he had been off all summer, and it was like he could hear me.

“Conrad!” The car door swung open so fast, I thought it might’ve snapped off with the force of it. It shook the car, slamming even harder than it had opened. The voice, still as sweet as I remember it being, belonged to Y/n.

She looked exasperated, hair a mess, cheeks flushed. Like she’d just woken up from a messy sleep. Her lips were bitten raw, and her shirt hung off her shoulder, unlike Belly’s that fit perfectly. But she was a ray of sunshine. She glowed like the brightest star in the sky. Her smile was infectious, spreading onto my best friend and I’s faces subconsciously. She truly captured the essence of pure happiness, the one I wanted so badly to feel this summer.

Heavy footsteps grew louder and louder behind me until a gust of wind was passed, the footsteps meeting their owner. Conrad, the moody, hurting boy who was completely shut away just hours ago was now running into the arms of his best friend. Of the girl he loved most.

They connected in the middle, the force of it making Y/n squeak. It didn’t stop them from tangling themselves up like they always seemed to do, Conrad’s back bent backwards and Y/n’s feet of the ground. They spun in circles, laughing the entire time. Even being limited to short glances at Conrad’s face while they spun, I could see the light in his face returning. The way his cheeks turned pinker and his eye bags seemed to get less heavy. He would never admit it, but it looked like he had gotten ready for her arrival. He no longer wore a plain grey zip up and old stained sweatpants. He wore Y/n’s favorite blue shirt he owned and matching shorts. She claimed he looked his best in that shirt because it fit him so well. Not too tight, but not too loose. He looked out together enough to go anywhere, but could remain comfortable. She’d even gone so far last summer to say it made him look handsome, something she confessed while drunk, clinging into her best friend and giggling under her breath.

I knew Conrad would never admit he chose the shirt just because he remembered that specific moment, but it was fairly obvious. At least to me. He always had the ability to pinpoint specific events, precise moments that involved something Y/n had done or said. He knew what she hated and what she loved. He put in more effort to make her see him than anyone else I’d ever known. It was endearing to see how much he cared for her.

More than that, it was like a storm had passed, Conrad’s grumpy attitude dissolving into one of pure sunshine and playfulness. He held no fear with her. Everything he did, everything he said, he knew it could be said with confidence. She was the one thing in this world he never felt ashamed to say what he needed to around. The only thing he never shared, his feelings. How he was so in love with her, his summers became dedicated solely to seeing her every second he could.

Secret sleepovers, long bonfire nights and early mornings on the beach. There was not more than a few hours that they weren’t together everyday. It was disappointing to see how he couldn’t share that, as Y/n so clearly felt the same for him.

Her eyes always looking for his face in a crowded room, her hands reaching out to feel he was there constantly. She needed him in more ways anyone could ever need a friend, she showed it, but they somehow always managed to shut down these feelings behind their insecurities of being wrong.

Jeremiah didn’t even get a chance to make his way over to talk with Y/n before she was being led away by his older brother, feet struggling to keep up behind him while he dragged her into the house. The thumping of their feet hitting the stairs sounded through the front door, their laughter and yelling echoing down the hall until his door slammed to a shut. I couldn’t help but laugh, Laurels own giggles stifled underneath mine. It was so obvious how much they cared for each other, yet so frustrating that they never acted on it.

The two of them always chased and chased, no aware that they were both aiming for the same thing. It was sweet to see puppy love like that. One so pure that they couldn’t even admit the feelings they so strongly felt for each other. Something they’d held since childhood, living in complete oblivion since.

The sun was high in the sky, a bright burning ball sizzling it’s mark into all of our skin. I could practically see Conrad’s shoulders peeling beneath its strong rays already. I had warned him to put on a rash guard, knowing he wouldn’t reapply. But he was so excited to catch up to Y/n, my words fell deaf on his ears. She was already out in the water with Belly and Steven, splashing around, laughter echoing as she grabbed what looked like mounds of wet sand from the bottom of the ocean to cover Belly with.

“Connie, you’re going to regret it later.” I had said, all to familiar with the distant sounds of his whining in the middle of the night. Conrad’s back sore and the aloe vera sticking to the warm sheets. But in that moment, the cringe worthy memory seemed to slip his mind as nothing was more important than getting to Y/n. He waved me off, promising to be careful but not really meaning it.

They were out there for hours that day. The waves were calm and the seaweed was relatively clear. The two of them, Y/n and Conrad, spent the perfect conditions submerged so deep into the water that when they reached land again, they complained how their legs felt like jelly. Conrads shoulders were bright red, torched by the beach day. I could see how they ached, just like I had said they would. Y/n’s cheeks and forehead were tinted a harsh red but she seemed completely unaware. Unbothered.

Conrad had pointed out how she had freckles on her face she didn’t have before. It was obvious how he thought she was beautiful, even then. I guess looking back on that memory, it was more clear that even at such a childish age, Conrad somehow always managed to pay the most attention to Y/n. Always the most observant of her tiniest details and mannerisms. Things he hadn’t even thought about in the others.

I didn’t let them sleep upstairs that night. I made sure to proclaim my love to them, but made it known I cherished my sleep more. Really, it was their own fault. Conrad had been warned to take precautions and those were blatantly ignored by the both of them.

I remember this day not because of how great the morning was, the summer breeze blowing in all its glory, but because of how the night had turned out to be.

The clocks hands were just passing the point that separated the late night and early morning. My blankets I had left for the kids spread across the large couch. The blankets were sticking to Conrads back and the aloe was rubbing off with each movement he made. I knew he was trying to muffle his whines, not wanting to be a bother, not wanting to wake his tired mother. I still heard it, and the rolling around became constant listening to the faint complaints from downstairs. It felt impossible to settle down at the time for Conrad, the soft melodic ticking of the kitchen clock only a reminder to how late the night was growing. Of how much time he had left before he was expected to be up and enjoying the day again. I remember feeling hopeless for him, he felt like crying.

It was the soft touch of fingers curling over his biceps carefully that pulled him from his descent into madness and silenced his cries. If it were anyone else, the sudden feeling of skin on skin would’ve scared him, sent him running upstairs into my arms like always. But the sensation was one he knew well. That and the shiny blue nail polish on her nails.

“Conrad, what’s wrong?” Her voice was soft, worrisome. It almost made him feel insecure, stupid in how he was getting ready to enter fourth grade and still couldn’t get over the ache of a stupid sunburn. Conrad should’ve felt pathetic, in his eyes. If it were Belly, or Steven or even Jere, he probably would’ve. But this was Y/n. His best friend! He knew he had nothing to be embarrassed about with her, she would never judge him.

“Is it your sunburn again?” She knew the answer, but always wanted to make sure. All it took was the slow nod of his head for her to lift herself off of the makeshift bed she’d made on the couch, the soft padding of her sock clad feet becoming more distant the farther she went into the house. In that moment, he felt confused, wondering if she was leaving him too. If his whining was even too much for her.

But, no. She came back with more aloe vera. A new bottle from the very back of the fridge. Conrad remembered how gentle she was when putting it on his back for him. It was feathery light, pressure changing depending on how severe the burn was. Even at such a young age, Y/n knew just what Conrad needed to make him feel better. It was like her sixth sense. Conrad had told me that morning, his heart couldn’t help but warm at that idea. That she had a special power just for him. He described it like waking up from a hazy dream.

A realization dawning on him after it had been forming for years. Y/n wasn’t just some girl Conrad enjoyed spending all my time with because she was simply just his best friend, but because deep down he loved her more than that. He knew he always felt something for her. Even when we were toddlers. The way she always shared with him, stuck by his side. At the time, Conrad acted annoyed by her presence, but he always secretly loved having her so close. He babbled about it in his sleep. He would slur how he felt safer, warmer, happier. Even his dumb little fourth grade self could see that those feelings weren’t ones someone had for a best friend. Those were feelings reserved for someone you loved. He knew then that he had always loved Y/n, now was just the first time he confronted those feelings.

When the sun rose, I was met with a goopy mess spilling all over the coffee table and a shiny back and Y/n’s wet hand. I could put the pieces together, but back then, Conrad made sure I didn’t have to.

That morning, while Y/n showered to get ready for the day, he went into depth about what had happened that led to the mess. How he felt, what was happening. At the time, I believed it was merely a small crush that he amounted to true love because he had never felt love before, but the longer I observed the pair, the more obvious it became that my little boy was in love with his best friend.

For Y/n, the day of realization came much later.

I remember the day clearly. Laurel and I had been insisting on a much needed a girls day, folding twenties into Conrad and Y/n’s palms and placing them in charge of the younger siblings of the bunch. Conrad being the oldest Fisher and Y/n the eldest Conklin, it wasn’t unusual that we would place our trust in them, tasking them with the job of keeping everyone in check for a day.

They’d decided to go to the boardwalk, the day too beautiful to not enjoy it. When arriving, the group had agreed to split up and conquer. Conrad would take Belly to the ring toss and Y/n would take Jeremiah and Steven to the go-karts. Everyone would meet back up in two hours for ice-cream and swap groups.

Y/n spent nearly all her money that day on those stupid go-karts. She’d only ridden them once, but Jeremiah and Steven kept begging to go again, again and again. Y/n was always such a softy, despite her confident exterior. Especially when it came to her younger friends. She couldn’t say no to them, they were just too convincing. When they met back up as a group, she complained, having a headache from the loud engines of the ride. She had eight dollars left in her pocket. Conrad had a large smile on his face and a polar bear named, Junior Mint, held loosely in his arms that he’d won after Belly begged him for it.

The looks on their faces made Y/n jealous, in a way. A feeling she knew shouldn’t be feeling when the situation involved her sister and her best friend. Two people she adored more than life itself. But Y/n, no matter how compassionate and understanding as she might be, like the rest of us, can’t control how we feel. We can only control how we reflect them.

“You have fun on the go-karts?” Conrad, who had somehow sensed her bad mood, had made race car sounds with his mouth, holding his arms out in front of him like he was turning a steering wheel in an attempt to lift it. Y/n’s hand hit his chest playfully, feet dragging along the wooden floor beneath their feet.

“The most.” She lied to him then, she wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because she didn’t want him to feel bad for leaving her alone. She wanted him to be able to enjoy his day without having to worry about someone else.

When the time came to pay for their ice cream, it became apparent that the left over eight dollars would not be enough for three of the ice creams. Jeremiah and Steven insisted on getting the largest sizes possible, resulting in a grand total of almost the entire budget. Even if Y/n got a kiddy cup, she wouldn’t have enough to spend for a third cup.

Holding the money in her hands and looking back at the excited boys behind her, Y/n felt responsible to keep them that way. Happy. After all, she was the oldest. It was her job to look after them. To put their happiness above her own. She spent all her money on what they wanted that day, walking over to the table they’d picked over in the shade empty handed, disappointed in the lack of a cold treat to snack on after a long day.

Everyone was sat across from her, the table full of everyone except Conrad, who was ordering for him and Belly. Y/n’s hands became the most interesting thing to her for a brief period of time. The peeling paint on the table a good distraction from her two friends stuffing their faces with something she so desperately wanted.

“One vanilla ice cream cone for Belly!” She heard Conrad’s voice before I saw him. Her younger sisters eyes practically formed into hearts when he placed the dessert in front of her. He continued to announce the order.

“One mint chip for me and…” Conrad slipped a cup of mint chip ice cream in front of her next, the spoon lime green to match the melting treat below her.

“One for Y/n/n!” He sat beside Y/n then, mixing around the green ice cream until it turned into mush. Y/n lifted her eyes from the table to his face. It was stuffed with his own treat, a satisfied smirk directed towards his best friend. Y/n’s mouth was parted open, stuck like that for the longest time. It was only when Conrad had motioned at the ice cream that she realized it was still under the very hot sun, and melting more now.

With a silent whisper of a thank you, Y/n let the gift cool her down. It tasted sweeter knowing it was from Conrad, Y/n had confessed to me that night. Knowing that he cared enough to know how sad she would be to have been the only one without ice cream to finish off a fun afternoon.

He was always so sweet to her, always going out of his way to make sure she was included in everything. He didn’t have to, but he liked too. That’s what made Y/n like him the most. It didn’t matter what was happening, or who was involved. If Y/n was there, Conrad would be stuck to her side like glue, just like she was to him. He had some magic spell over her that no one else could even come close to.

Conrad always had a way to cheer her up, make Y/n feel like the most special person in the world. She never felt ashamed to be my most vulnerable self around him. He made her heart beat faster, her cheeks flush pink. He made Y/n feel pretty, wanted. More than that, Conrad never failed to give her butterflies.

These were all things she could connect with things someone could have with a best friend, someone close to them. She could convince myself as well as herself it was nothing more than that. Conrad was only a friend to her, but she couldn’t lie to herself anymore than she could lie to me.

Deep down, Y/n always knew she loved Conrad differently than everyone else. She could recognize his laugh anywhere, Y/n knew he had a lucky pair of socks and a least favorite pair of underwear. She knew he liked to part his hair down the middle, but how it trailed off to the left the further back it grew because he used to have a side part when he was younger. Y/n knew his glasses gave him a headache and how he didn’t really mind the feeling of sand stuck in his skin after a beach day. These were all things Y/n would’ve never given a second thought about with anyone else, but things her heart held onto like a prayer because it was Conrad.

Slowly but surely, she came to terms with my feelings developed for Conrad, ones I’d known about vaguely for years as the pair grew closer and closer each passing second since Conrad’s own revelations. Only, before, Y/n used to downplay them as a small crush. One she was developing because he was a boy and she was a teenage girl. She believed was supposed to feel like this, it would pass. But it wasn’t, and sometimes it felt to her like it never would. It grew more and more painfully obvious that Y/n’s feelings were so much more than that, and being in that moment then only solidified that fact. Y/n was in love with Conrad Fisher, her best friend, her world.

We were cuddled up on the couch when she talked to me about the day, the way her senses seemed to point overwhelmingly towards Conrad. I could’ve told her then that my son loved her just the same back, and maybe then they would’ve pulled together like a strong magnet, but I wanted them to find each other. They deserved to realize that through their own actions, not mine. So for years after that final confession, I sat here beside my own best friend wondering along with her when they would finally find each other.

“It’s cat and mouse with them every summer.” I sighed, holding my cup of coffee close to my chest. The warmth of the steam coming off of it warmed my skin in the cool July evening.

Laurel laughed beside me, her own mug clutched in her hands as well, we mirrored each other in looking out towards the back yard where Y/n and Conrad ran around in the grass with a deflated football. The smiles on their faces were vibrant, bright. Ones that only came out when they were together. They had that power over each other, to lift each other up. To make the others heart beat fast.

It was as clear as day what our oldest children felt for each other. No amount of deflections or excuses could hide the blush on their cheeks and the way their touches lingered for just a moment longer than friends should. They knew more about each other than anyone else because they cared too much to not know. It was pure and refreshing to see young love like this, even if neither of them knew what they had yet.

“When do you think they’ll realize what they have?” Laurel asked sincerely, her face turning to watch how my expression changed throughout my answer. She usually never played into my ideas, always being the more logical of the two of us, but this was the one thing we could agree on.

“With our luck, never.” We laughed, Laurels head falling to rest on my shoulder affectionately. We let out a synchronized sigh, allowing a beat of silence to pass.

“I’m sure they’ll find their way, they always do.” My hand rubbed my best friends arm in reassurance, my head settling on top of hers. I rested my weight on her, feeling more tired now that the day was ending.

It was almost comical, how ironic the entire situation was. The two oldest, smartest, strongest of the bunch, the ones who, other than Steven, had been the only ones to successfully apply and get into some of the top schools in the country, even with their brains, couldn’t figure out just how badly they wanted each other. Not even when it was dangled right in front of them.

I partially blamed myself. It was me who had ingrained the title, best friends, into their heads. With each time they were spotted together, with everything they set off to do together, I’d always stuck their names together with those two words. Even when it became more and more obvious that they were falling into each other in a way that crossed the line that divided platonic and romantic, it was always the two of them. The younger Laurel and Susannah. The next generation of best friends.

Conrad never managed to catch Y/n’s longing glances, and Y/n always seemed to just miss the way his hands held onto her in ways he didn’t with anyone else. He held her in ways best friends weren’t supposed to.

Lingering touches that mirrored her stares, fingers twitching, begging to be interlocked. Conrad spoke his feelings to her in acts of service, winning her prizes, helping her with her homework, reading to her when she had headaches, even when she was insufferable because she kept groaning. It was also in physical touch. His cologne practically stuck to her clothes permanently with all the excuses he could find to just touch her in one way or another. Y/n seemed to constantly be trying to relay the same in her own acts of service and physical touch. Holding the door, cooking him his favorite desserts without Conrad even asking, resting her head in his lap during movie night. Both slotting together to mesh perfectly, but their ignorance keeping them apart. If I were any less mature, I would’ve yelled at them to hurry up, I wouldn’t be here forever and I’d like to see my special kids happy before I went.

“What are you thinking about, Beck?” My own best friend asked softly, her head still under mine. I squeezed her arm, feeling sure that one day they would get together.

“How happy they’ll be once they realize what they have.” It went silent, but I knew my best friend. I could sense her tight lipped smile, eyes squinting and nose scrunching. He lifted her head from my shoulder slowly, her hand resting on my lower back.

“Why don’t we settle down for the night?” I wanted to fight her, I wanted to enjoy the calmness of the summer evening. The way our children were just what they needed to be, kids. No matter their age, still able to enjoy the simplicity that the summer home had to offer. But Laurel was right, I was feeling sluggish and if I didn’t rest soon, the couch would be my bed for the night. So I nodded, leaving the image of Y/n pinned under Conrad, his hands wiggling by her sides in an attempt to make her squirm and their laughter to be the last thing I would remember before I fell asleep.

“Con.” My voice was soft, the grass wet under our backs, dirt on our skin. He turned his head to face me, a lazy smile on his face. His eyes were all hazy, clouded by both tiredness and something unreadable that consumed his facial expression.

“Hm.” He hummed, eyes searching my face, lighting up when they settled on my own. I could feel the hair on his arms brush against mine, hands curled up, an indication of how close we truly were. Always just out of reach. My fingers twitched against the back of his hand, aching to be intertwined with his. My eyes flicked to his lips out of habit, breath hitching.

When I looked back to meet his eyes, I found the once playful look replaced with serious stare, burning straight into my head. He seemed stiff, nervous in a way. My cheeks flamed up in embarrassment. He must’ve seen the way I couldn’t pull my gaze from his lips. I breathed out.

“It’ll always be like this, right?” It wasn’t what I wanted to say, what I meant to ask. But in that moment, it was all I could manage. A simply vague question that held so much depth. I hoped he’d say yes, that we’d always be this close, not that we’d always be best friends. Selfishly, I hoped he said we would be more. That we could be so much more.

“You and me, always.” I felt the way his arm shifted from beside me, linking his own hands together over his chest and breathing out. He pulled his attention back to the sky, where the clouds moved faster than they did in June. The summer was ending.

“I wish it could be summer forever.” Feeling awkward being the only one to still be looking at him, I too turned to face the sky. Biting my lip, my eyes shut to imagine it was the beginning of the three wonderful months we had together.

I wished that I could have Conrad forever. That it wasn’t just some summer love that I would have to sit idly on as the seasons changed to a colder, more lonely winter. That Conrad and I could do all the things we always talked about over the phone together. Our cheeks would be rosy with the nip of the frosty weather and not because the sun had burnt us into a delirious mess. Groaning on the couch as we wasted our days away.

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder, Y/n/n.” He joked. Only, the way he said he sounded completely honest. Like he wasn’t joking. He said things like that a lot now. Things that were awfully romantic for someone who swore that we were platonic to all of our friends. It pulled in my heartstrings a little each time one of the phrases would slip. A source of joy for my daydreams to run on for the next few hours. If I were any more delusional, I would’ve told him how I felt about his jokes out loud. But I wasn’t, so I held them in. I let my heart face and my breathing quicken in silence.

“I hope you’ll be just as fond of me when you see me next, then.” I rolled to my side, countering his joke. I heard him laugh. My hands tucked under my head like a pillow and my legs bent at the knee. I made myself smaller next to him.

As our giggles died out, so did his interest in the clouds. He mirrored my position, hands under his head, legs bent up. Our knees touched, radiating a warmth that bounced between our body heat. My eyes were focused on him, but I was spacey. Thinking of just how long we’d be apart. It hurt my heart, I didn’t care if I would grow fonder of him. I didn’t think that was even possible with how much I loved him now.

“What’s running through that head if yours, Y/n/n.” His hand came up, pointer finger delicately tapping the top of my nose. I scrunched it under his touch, so light it tickled. My reaction made him smile again, even after his hand had returned back under his head.

“Thinking about how fondly I’ll think of you next June.” There were some things you just cannot speak about, can not share. I would never share what I was truly thinking about that day. How I was so stuck in my own feelings for him that I couldn’t even bare the thought of not having him beside me. That my heart deflated at just the mere mention of the winter because the only person I ever wanted to be around would be taken away from me.

Conrad’s laugh was weaker this time, smile fading into a smaller one but it was just as happy.

“I hope you’re already pretty fond of me, then.” I returned his smile then, the crinkle by my eyes moving a strand of hair into my face. It tickled my nose again, but I didn’t scrunch it. Too focused on Conrad so close to care.

Before I could respond, I felt the softness of his hand brushing across my face and tucking the strand behind my ear. He did it so gently, like I would break if he wasn’t.

“I am.” It came out breathy now that his touch was on me. He didn’t remove his hand from my face then. Instead, it felt more like he was molding his palm to fit my jawline. He cupped my face in his hand and just admired me. Eyes flickering around until they met my now moony gaze.

It was like some force was pulling us closer, then. Conrad’s face getting closer and closer, little by little. I couldn’t tell who was leaning in. It could’ve been me, but I was almost sure it was him. My eyelashes fluttered, fighting the instinct to close them. I heard how his breath hitched, I felt my own do the same. This was something I had always dreamed of happening, it felt unreal that now out of all times it would happen. I always dreamed of kissing Conrad in the beach, or the old dock where we used to play. Maybe even in the pool where we’d hold our fake Olympic competitions. But here we sat, on the grass, his breath fanning my face.

His head turned little by little, getting ready to connect our lips finally. The squeaky glass door slid open, and by some bad luck, it was enough to scare us into a more distant position. We sat up, now more than just inches away, searching the backyard for who had opened it.

Steven had been the culprit, having forgotten something on the small table outside. Looking beyond the pool, he found Conrad and I, red as can be, eyes wandering around and waved.

“I’ve been looking for you two! Belly wants to have one last movie night. Jeremiah’s making popcorn. Y/n, you’re on blanket duty!” He was completely oblivious to the tension between us. Of how my cheek, right where Conrad had been touching me was burning. How in my mind, it felt like he had left a mark with how hot it felt. I cleared my mind, shaking it off and looking to Conrad almost disappointedly.

To my surprise, he seemed perfectly fine, like nothing had just happened. He sprung to his feet, in fact, completely able to move on and ignore it. Maybe I had read it wrong. Maybe he wasn’t trying to kiss me. Of course I was, it would be stupid to believe that my best friend could really possess some sort of feelings for me. I had simply made it up, tricked my mind into believing it was true because I longed for him too much.

When his hands met mine to held me up, it felt like fire. Flames burning into my hands at how badly I wanted him. If he didn’t care, than I shouldn’t either. My stupid feelings shouldn’t weight down the last hours we’d spend together. It shouldn’t dictate how the last night will go.

I put on a brave smile, sticking a bandaid over the wound over my heart. I bled out on the couch, all over anyone near me. My smile false, heart heavy. I forced myself to forget it and as the movie grew longer and longer, it left my mind completely. Eyebrows feeling lighter, the burning in my throat releasing itself into a soothing sensation. It would be my last memory of the summer that truly stuck. How close I had gotten to Conrad, and how quickly he had slipped away. How wrong I was about how he felt. How hurt I was for believing it could be different.

What I didn’t know then was how he felt the same. How his mind was swirling with the what if’s and the same disappointment I felt. How my fake smile had tricked him into believing it meant nothing to me, like I didn’t understand the weight of the situation at all. He didn’t know how I was breaking inside at how he didn’t seem to care, because he was feeling the same. My own act was tricking him, allowing Conrad to believe just what I thought of him. That I did not care for him like he did with me. That his feelings weren’t reciprocated. It was a dance between us. Chasing in a circle to get the other attention, to figure out what was happening between us. Completely unaware that if we would just turn around, we’d find what we do desperately longed for. The other chasing the same thing. We let the incident go by the morning, pretending that whatever happened was all a dream. And just like that, we were what we had always been. Best friends.

The news came early in the morning. The sun hadn’t fully crossed the horizon yet and there was still dew on the lawn. I was alone then, away at college. The constant calls from my mother waking me up. But it was the one from Conrad that I answered somehow.

“Hello?” My voice was full of sleep, confused as to why my mom was calling me so early. I had an eight am that morning, I had my alarms set. It was all so confusing, hazy.

“Y/n.” His voice was shaky, weak. It woke me up quickly. Conrad was never like this, at least not over the phone. Occasionally he would breakdown around me. The tears always stung. So full of emotion, so overwhelmed to the point he couldn’t keep it together. All it took was someone to ask if he was really okay to tip him over the edge. To open the flood gates. It only happened at the worst of times, it was alarming that it was happening now.

“Conrad, are you okay? What happened?” I knew something bad had to have happened. This wasn’t simply just him calling because of how much he missed me. Those calls came later at night on FaceTime, his voice light and playful each time. This was heavy, I couldn’t see him, he was hiding behind the phone call. I knew it had to be bad, already packing a bag as he spoke. The phone was pressed to my ear by my shoulder and head, I worked on stuffing as much of my clothes in as possible. I made sure to scribble a note down to let my roommate know I was leaving and would be back in a few days.

“It’s my mom.” The world stopped in that moment. I knew I had to get to him even quicker now, I knew he needed me to talk to him, to walk him through his grief but the news was so heavy, my hands stopped working. I froze, unable to do anything but pray that it was some sick prank.

“What?” It came quiet, I wasn’t sure if he even heard me. She wasn’t my mom by birth, I didn’t carry the same relationship to her as Conrad did. I didn’t see her everyday for hours, but in some way she was my second mother. She taught me to ride a bike, how to bake a cake. I learned how to read from her, her name was the first word out of my mouth. She was the grounding in my life. The one person I trusted to share everything because it was likely she’d already been through it. She understood like a mother, helped me grow as one. Her death would leave an empty hole in my heart for eternity, I was sure.

I heard Conrad take a shaky breath, holding it while he tried to piece together what he had to say. What I deserved to know.

“It happened this morning, just an hour ago. I wasn’t going to call so soon but, I thought you deserved to know. She was special to you, so…” He tried to keep it together, I could feel it. I could hear it. How his breaths caught in his throat, the quiet stutter beneath his words.

“Conrad, I…” In looking for all the words I wanted to say, to tell him it would be okay with, I came up short. Unable to make some sense as to what was happen.

“You don’t have to say anything. We all knew it was coming soon.” He dismissed my struggle, knowing that if it were hitting this hard on his end, he could imagine that I wouldn’t take it very week either.

“Yes but Con, that doesn’t make it any better.” I ran a hand through my hair, placing the phone tightly between my shoulder blade and my ear. I began to pack again.

“Do you need me to come down to Boston?” I would’ve come down on my own, would’ve held him like a brother, protected him from the world, the reality of it all. But it was a delicate situation. I had to walk on eggshells, unsure of what was best. I had never lost a relative before, never endured the pain of not having a mother. Never seeing her again like how the Fisher brothers just had. I didn’t know if it was best to stay or go.

“No, no.” Though it sounded like he was lying, like part of him wanted me to just be there, his words were firm, exhausted. If he wanted me there, I would come, but I would not intrude when times were so tough.

The line went quiet for a moment, I can still hear the static ringing through my head even now. How the line went just as quiet as the dorms when everyone was asleep. I could feel the hot liquid trailing down my cheeks, the tightening of my chest becoming more rapid the longer we both stayed quiet.

“Listen, I’ll call you later when I know more, okay?” I nodded my head, only realizing a moment later he couldn’t see me. I took in a deep breath.

“Okay, yeah.” He mumbled a quick goodbye, hanging up the phone and leaving me alone to grieve. The once cheerful morning turned grey with sadness, clouds looming as a reminder to the sunshine we had lost that morning. The dew turned into mud and the plants wilted. My bag was packed in minutes after the call ended, bag slung over my shoulder.

Conrad didn’t want me there, and that was fine. But my mother was at home, sitting with only two thirds of her family who were probably all unaware besides her. If Conrad didn’t need my shoulders to lean on, my mother did. She knew Susannah longer and truer than any of us had. The pain she must be carrying could only be indescribable to her. So if I wasn’t leaving for the Fishers, I was for her.

I never got that call from Conrad, not even a text. As I laid in my childhood bedroom, eyes glued to the ceiling and the silence of the household drowning me in my own self isolation, I didn’t even wonder why. For the first time, my life didn’t revolve around Conrad, on how he was doing, what he was doing. I didn’t miss him anymore. Not because the hurt of him not being here was any less, but because the pain of his mother never coming back being worse. It canceled out and an extreme numbness took over. I felt nothing. I had cried all my tears, screamed into my pillow until my voice gave away. My knuckles hurt from how hard I gripped the steering wheel on the way home. I had already lost it and now I had nothing else to give.

…

The funeral was a week later. Not much time to process such a heavy loss. Adam wanted me to speak at the funeral, he knew how much Susannah meant to me, but I couldn’t do it. Walking up to the podium, I couldn’t say her name. Even if it were just a practice run. My voice ran dry, eyes wet. Staring at her photo by the alter, all I could do was shake my head. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t do what her husband wanted for her. I felt embarrassed I couldn’t help the family who was going through so much still. They claimed they understood, but the guilt loomed.

We sat three rows behind them. Strangers separating us. It made me angry. If not us, the ones who spent hours on hours together, at least my mother deserved to be sitting in the front row with the Fishers. She was a sister to Susannah. She was just as much of a family as they were. I kept my mouth shut, my eyes down. The family took turns speaking, each sentence summarizing her in the most beautiful way possible. Some old friends spoke in her honor too. It felt wrong then, how people who barely knew her could stand up there and act like she was their greatest gift.

When it was Conrad’s turn, he sung a song. In his pain, his voice failed him. Wavering and breaking through the song. He apologized, looking out into the crowd he met my eyes. I wanted to look away, not wanting him to see me so broken when I should be the one supporting him. But by looking into my eyes, even as teary and red as they were, he grounded himself. By the time he finished, the venue was silent, soft cries echoing from the back rows. Nobody acknowledged them out of the fear that it would cause them to breakdown again.

The silence carried over to the Fishers Boston home. Other than the adults mingling and the quiet chatter of Jeremiah and Steven, the room felt empty. It felt like a depressing party, one that was about Susannah, yet excluded her from it.

It was tiring, the whole experience. Always trying to catch up with how quickly everyone else was getting over it. I felt like a dead weight compared to Steven and Belly, who had already started coming to terms with it. I was the only one left living in denial. The only one still dreaming of epiphany’s to make some sense of it. To make the heartache more bearable.

I wore the dark eye bags and my salt tears like a tattoo, ones that had been permanently stained on my face since the news broke. It was obvious I wasn’t doing well. I had planned to go back to school after the funeral, seeking a clean space to cope. To get away from the constant reminders of what could no longer be.

Jeremiah said I looked too weak to be driving myself to school tonight. He set up the guest room for me, decorating it just as his mother used to. Even in my protests he managed to convince me. He told me how it was more for him than it was for me. How having me close made him feel better because it was like gaining a piece of him family back. Like having an older sister come home from college.

After that, I kept mainly to myself. Finding the emptiest rooms and sticking to them. I hid my face in my knees, soft cries coming in waves until I had nothing left to cry for. Alone, I sat in the darkness until the soft chatter died out and all distractions became a heavy peace.

“You should get to bed soon, Conrad, it’s getting late.” I forgot all about him, I realized. Not once having checked on him. It was only Adams soft suggestion reminding me of the other brother, who was probably taking the funeral even harder than his younger brother. Wiping my cheeks with the backs of my hands, I waited until the choking breaths turned into quiet sniffles. Until everything felt calmer, more collected to see him. I wanted to be able to be there for Conrad, even when I wasn’t doing okay either. I wanted to—no. I needed to be strong for him.

I knew where he was, I could see the frame of his back hunched over on the couch. Head hung low and hands fidgeting around anxiously. It made me nervous.

I took the time to go downstairs then, only after I was sure everybody else had filed out of the house, leaving it looming with an eerie emptiness. There were leftovers on the table, one serving left, the rest already in the refrigerator. Adam had already cleaned away any evidence of Susannah’s death.

Taking what was left, I put it on a paper plate. My own stomach rumbled, being empty, but the starving feeling felt better than feeling nothing at all. I knew Conrad hadn’t eaten in hours, cemented to his place on the couch, he needed to eat. It could be considered a peace offering, a kind gesture. Something to maybe lift his spirits.

My hands were shaky, so I had to hold his plate with both hands. I leaned against the wall when I went back upstairs, I didn’t trust my footing anymore. I had to stop halfway up, take a deep breath and pull it together. Conrad needed me, I had to be there. I wanted to be there.

It was a soft knock that pulled me from my descent into a bottomless pit of sadness. My mind shook its self free, eyes fighting consciousness. I was ready to snap, irritated at my dads efforts of trying to move me from where I found some sort of comfort. Really, it wasn’t his fault. He was only a concerned father who wanted to help his son. But I wanted none of it. I wanted even more now than when my mom was alive to be as distant from him as possible. Unforgiving of his horrible mistakes that caused my mom so much pain.

The soft voice that spoke wasn’t one that belonged to my father, not even my brother who had a sweet voice saved specifically for moments like these. To ease the tension, calm everyone down. No, it was like honey. So sweet and gentle. So easy to listen to. I longed to hear more.

“Con?” It belonged to Y/n. My Y/n. The only person I hadn’t really seen all day. The only person I wanted to see all day. Instead, she had spent it making everyone happy with her. Tending to Jeremiah’s wish, staying with us overnight. Giving a loving hand to hold for Belly and Steven, calming down her younger sisters uneven cries and her brothers panicked breathing. She tried to get her mother to open up, but Laurel was like me. Stubborn. Even with her best efforts, she was locked out, leaving her to seek solace in the less crowded rooms upstairs. I wanted to come see her, but my feet no longer worked. My legs were jelly. I felt stuck to the couch. Too weak to keep moving.

I acknowledged her, mouth too dry to speak. She took it as a signal to sit down beside me. The plate in her lap was shaking like her. The food looked unappetizing, but I appreciated her effort. She pushed it towards me, a hand finding my back, she rubbed it like she had in the summer when I was drunk and clinging onto the toilet out of sickness.

Nodding my head, I accepted it only to place it on the table in front of me. I knew she knew I didn’t mean it as an insult, I just couldn’t eat right now. I just wanted her to hold me. I wanted to feel safe again.

So, I placed my head where I’d always wished I could. My ear pressed against her shoulder, hands glued to my lap, her arms wrapped around me out of instinct. It was so warm, so loving. It helped to heal the ache that was ripping through my heart slightly. My headache didn’t feel so severe with her close. She made everything better, just as she always did.

“Con, I’ve known you my whole life, you’re my best friend. You can talk to me. You can trust me, okay?” Her hands in my hair suddenly felt my poison. Little thorns poking into my scalp. The sour reminder that this hold, this closeness wasn’t reserved for me. I wasn’t hers, she wasn’t mine. It made me feel angrier than I should’ve. A mix of grief and disappointment mixing together into something she didn’t deserve. She was only trying to help.

Sighing heavily, I pulled myself away, standing up to create a distance that I knew she felt not only physically but mentally. A feeling of someone close to her becoming closed off to her, just as her mother had done earlier today. I couldn’t look at her. I’d spill everything.

“Conrad, no. Please don’t shut me out. Please, not now.” She was pleading with me, her voice shook slightly, it made my heart break a little, hearing how feeble she was feeling.

“Y/n, can you go please?” I didn’t mean what I said. I’d only done it out of my own petty desires. Hurting the girl I loved more than anything in this world out of my own selfishness. When we were both hurting the most. She didn’t say anything, but I imagined she must’ve shook her head. Her footsteps grew closer.

“No.” She choked out, “No, I’m not leaving you alone right now.” Y/n cared so much for me, she always did. She knew how to read me better than anyone else. She knew that even now when I was asking her to go, I didn’t mean it. I wanted her more than anything. Her knowing this overwhelmed me with a love that I misplaced, unable to cherish and welcome it due to my own selfish nature. Only ever knowing how to push away what was so graciously given to me. I decided to snap at her, make her leave.

“What do you get out of staying, Y/n?” My words were laced with venom, I turned around to speak to her now. Having already built up my walls to know I wouldn’t break. She was speechless, confused.

“I-I don’t…” She couldn’t find the words. Not expecting to be turned on so quickly when she was just trying to help, to be kind.

“God, you are so selfish. This is about you doing what makes you feel good, right? You don’t give a shit about me, Y/n.” I didn’t mean it. I knew Y/n was far from selfish. She was the most selfless person I knew. Always putting herself dead last to help everyone else thrive. She hated thinking she was one day going to be depicted as someone selfish, someone cruel. It was an insecurity I knew she had since childhood. So, in my own anger, I pointed my weapons at her deepest hurts.

“Con, no. That’s not true.” She was defeated now, lip quivering and face contorted into pure pain. I scoffed.

“You can’t even look me in the eyes when you say it. You don’t have to pity me just because my mom is dead.” I kept going, unable to stop now that I had started. I had already stabbed her, now I was only twisting the knife. I watched her eyes well up with tears, all glassy and red. Her lip quivered and her eyebrows pulled together.

“Fuck you Conrad!” It was unexpected. I hoped she would walk away, leave it be and blame it on my grieving, but I should’ve known better. Y/n was like me, stubborn. She was just as much of a fighter ad I was, kinder but full of anger just as I was.

“Susannah was as much of a mother to me as my own! You aren’t the only one grieving, asshole! I’m doing this because I care. I care Conrad, and I wish I didn’t because you don’t deserve it, but I do. And I’m afraid I always will. So…so don’t you disregard my sadness out of the spite of your own anger!” What started out so strong had faltered into a weak confession. She was looking at me in the eyes, finding it in herself to finally make eye contact, breaking the invisible barrier between us. We were chest to chest.

Even in her state, she was so beautiful. Like an Angel sent form heaven specifically for me. I couldn’t help the way my eyes searched her face. I felt confused, more overwhelmed now than ever.

A silence took over, heavy breathing turning into quiet huffs of air. Even, steady. We were so close, I could feel her body heat radiating onto me.

I opened my mouth to speak, I wanted to apologize but the words got stuck. I couldn’t convey what I wanted to tell her. How she meant the world to me, how she was the only person who I cared about more than anything. She was the only person I didn’t want to shut out, didn’t mean to shut out. I loved her more than anything I’ve ever loved and it hurt me to not be able to love her as more than a friend.

My fingers found her hand then, squeezing and pulling her fingers between my own. I held it there, by her side, trying to get her to understand. I heard her breath hitch, saw her eyes find my lips. They flickered back up to my face. I needed her badly then, I knew I couldn’t wait. She was right here, so willing to stay when I’d treated her so horribly. She saw right through me constantly, she stuck by me in my darkest storms.

I didn’t think about it when I did it. About how my leaning in, my effort to kiss her could’ve scared her away. I was blinded by want, by need. I forgot it takes two people to have something.

Y/n released a breath only to hitch it once again, moving back from where I leaned in, she lengthened the gap between us again. A soft whimper woke me up from my haze, her head shaking rapidly. She looked scared. But more than that, she looked guilty, hurt.

Susannah was dead, there was no way to avoid that fact. My mom was never coming back, and that alone broke everyone into tiny pieces. Knowing Y/n, I knew how complicated everything felt for her. She was grieving, hurting. Not even I could piece together what she was thinking.

“Connie.” Her second whimper of my name is the one that made me back away. It was then I saw what I had done. The girl I loved most was staring back at me with wide eyes, mouth open slightly and body shaking. More than that, she had tears streaming down her face rapidly. I had made Y/n cry. For the first time in my life, I had made my best friend cry.

My heart shattered at the realization. How I’d ripped her down, made her feel vulnerable and then went in to kiss her like it would cancel everything out. I moved back again, trying to find the right words to apologize with. A silence surrounded us, crickets and the late night breeze the only sounds filling the walls around us.

I watched her a step back, slightly faltering over the threshold of the doorframe. Her hand ripped away from mine quickly, leaving a burning feeling behind from where we were once connected. A pain that wasn’t real, but felt so. She began to walk backwards now, hands finding the hallways walls for support, her feet failing her.

“Y/n.” My voice was quiet, my feet cemented to the floor. She shook her head again, a sob racking through her body. It’s a sound I’d never heard before. One I hope to never hear again. I could see how panicked she was. How everything was just now catching up. Her feet move quicker now, seeing how I’m reaching out for her. She’s scared, how could she not be? We’d crossed a line that wasn’t meant to be crossed, one that was toed over during one of the most horrible moments of our lives.

She’s halfway down the stairs now, the thumping of her feet louder than the creaking of the stairs. Jeremiah sticks his head out at the sound, looking between her disappearing figure and my body stuck in the doorway. It’s then I realize she’s actually leaving. Not to find peace in the guest bedroom, but to go away for good. I’d pushed her away, why had I pushed her away?

I’m quick then, my feet finding the floor in front of me, I make a mad dash down the hall and around the old banister. It cried under my weight but I push through, desperate to reach her. I don’t care who I wake up, if my fathers mad. If he’d just finished crying himself to sleep. I’m shouting after Y/n, yelling her name like it’s the only word in my dictionary.

“Y/n!” My feet stopped at the beginning of the driveway. The space her car once occupied is gone, not even the distant sound of a car rushing down the street can be heard. She’s slipped away from me just as my mother had, leaving me completely alone.

I walked out to the street, trying to see if she had parked it elsewhere. She wouldn’t leave me, would she? Not after we’d promised we’d always be like this. So close, always together.

The street was empty, only the flickering street lights illuminating the dark streets. I felt defeated, broken. I had got what I intended for, but not what I wanted.

Y/n was gone like the wind, leaving me in the stillness of the night, overthinking everything that had led us to this tipping point. All the tension, all the build up just for the resolve to be our ending. I always dreamed of the day I could finally confess my feelings to her. Even if she didn’t reciprocate them, she would never be mean about it. We’d always be close, and that alone gave me comfort. Now, I wasn’t so sure. What should’ve brought us together in my head, the one thing I’d always dreamed about, had split us apart. It’s almost funny how it happened, when it happened. The two people I always saw myself standing next to for the rest of eternity gone within the same week. Unsure if seeing them again was even something that was possible.

In all the years I had ignored him, Conrad never stopped reaching out. Not until my Junior year. My phone was filled with unanswered messages that varied from topic to topic. He kept me updated even in my absence from his life, wanting to salvage the closeness we’d cherished when we were younger.

He told me how he was in therapy, a week later he told me how he’d stopped going. Not only because he felt like it was nearly impossible to open up to a complete stranger, but because going felt like another financial burden he was adding to his fathers long list of bills and soon to be debt. Conrad shared how day by day, the grief of losing his mother was getting easier to cope with. The happy memories of her having been around at some point fueling him each day. He felt grateful he even had the pleasure to know her so well. Call her his mother. He was going to school to become a doctor now, changing his major halfway through his freshman year because he wanted to help people going through what his mother was forced to endure. He wanted to save people, help them in ways he was never able to help Susannah. He had a good heart, an honest one. Yet, he never spoke of any new lovers in his life. He carried all these amazing qualities, but his heart still longed for me, the girl who had left and never looked back.

It had been just over three years since I’d walked away from Conrad. Three years since I’d seen him. I couldn’t even look at him through photos. I was grown now, but my heart still aches in the same childish way it did when the wound was fresh. He never brought up what happened after the funeral. It was like his attempt to kiss me didn’t exist, only adding to the hurt I felt. Only confirming what I believed from the beginning. Conrad Fisher hadn’t leaned in to kiss me because he loved me, he had done it because he was grieving and didn’t know how to feel. He didn’t love me like I loved him. He did it because I was always so easy. The lovesick fool who would do anything for him, even if it hurt me the most. Susannah had been so sure that he did love me the same, I almost believed her, but it was ignorant to buy into it when it was so obviously not there. Yet, I still felt a tingling sensation each time I looked back at his messages. I wondered if in the time he’d stopped talking to me, he’d found someone else to love and know like he did with me. I hoped that my replacement was beautiful, like a model on the cover of Vogue. I prayed she was smart and kind like Susannah. I hoped she was everything I wasn’t to him.

Deep down, I knew part of my attachment, my fixation on what he was up to was because of the messages. How no matter how wrong it felt, I continued to allow myself to be part of his life from a distance. Even if Conrad didn’t know it, I always cared. Always would. I told him that the day I left. It was fear that turned out to be true. A curse that kept me from finding that same love for anyone else. My heart belonged to Conrad Fisher, a boy who barely knew me anymore. A boy who I wasn’t even sure if I could consider a friend anymore. A boy I want to be able to call my friend again. I had been so resolute all these years in keeping to my word. That after that night, I would never come back. The last would stay just that, the past. It was never that easy.

Letting go of Conrad Fisher was more than only losing the love of my life. It was like throwing away the last pieces of a Susannah. Sure, I still talked to Jeremiah quite frequently. Our phone calls lasted for hours, he never failed to make me smile. But he didn’t have Susannah’s eyes. He didn’t have her blonde hair or her smile. He was a direct reflection of his father, other than his unwavering optimism. None of his features lined up in the same way Conrad’s did. He was her twin, in a way. Losing him felt like losing her all over again.

All I did was try, try, keep trying. I kept pushing until I had nothing left to give, a burnout who barely made it to graduation. No friends to stand with at the finish line. All in an effort to forget what was lost along the way. Losing Conrad made all my achievements feel unworthy. A deep depression looming deep in my stomach, waiting for the right moment to rise, swallow me whole. Not even seeing my family there, sitting excitedly in the folding chairs could lift my spirits. There were four empty seats beside them that shattered my heart. I could place a name to each one. Figure out who would sit where if they had shown. But that bridge was burned and it was my fault.

My fault for running away from the boy who adored me like no other. Who made me feel special. Who understood me like a lover. My heart felt empty, I couldn’t sleep at all that night. Not even when Belly had shared about her forming relationship with Jeremiah, not when Steven confessed he thought he might be marrying Taylor soon, he was ready to buy a ring.

Years ago, that would’ve been something that lifted my mood. Filled me with joy, excitement that my sister was finding her own soulmate in a close friend. How her heart finally beat for the one that was there for her the whole time. But like a train, it hit me that the connecting link between the Fisher family and the Conklin’s would no longer be Conrad and I like I always dreamed it to be. It would be Jeremiah and Belly. Steven’s upcoming engagement didn’t thrill me either. His healthy relationship only reminding me of the ones I lacked. Amplifying the loneliness I was already painfully aware of. All by my own doing.

I felt like I was crashing, listening to my family talk about how well they were doing. It was like they couldn’t see the downward spiral I was falling into. Becoming my worst self.

Going home to a house filled with tainted memories surely didn’t help. Nor did the bottle of alcohol placed in the middle of the kitchen table. Picking it up and drinking straight from the glass was bound to happen, I was hurting and it was my numbing solution. Years ago I had told myself I’d rather feel all the pain in the world than be numb when it came to Susannah’s passing, but now I wished I could take it back. Each drink hurt less and less. The tequila turned into water, my eyes hurt to keep open. I was a quiet mess on the couch. Unaware of anything really.

It was an issue how easily persuaded I was when drunk. In my sober state, I would have never agreed to Belly’s proposition. I would’ve protested, claiming I still wasn’t ready to face my issues. I wasn’t fully prepared to accept that Conrad never loved me, that it was his grief that made him want to kiss me. Something I loved with for years. But I wasn’t sober, and Belly’s argument that we’d be going down for the summer again because it would be what Susannah wanted had me packing a bag for the morning. Ready to go down to the one place I hadn’t been since Susannah still inhabited it.

I found myself hurting in the back of the car, aching, tired. The road underneath the wheels crunching and bouncing the car in a way that made my head pound. I laid my head in my moms lap, praying for it to all be over. Seeking the peace of stillness.

Susannah had once told my mother that she believed I was walking sunshine. A force that lit up the sky when I was around. Someone who’s smile was so contagious, even her brooding son couldn’t help but feel joyful around me. It felt like I was letting her down in a way. Now that everyone had moved on, had gotten better. I felt like an idiot being stuck on the past. What was worse is that I wasn’t sure if I was so stuck because of Susannah or because of Conrad. Both answers freaked me out.

“Y/n, honey.” Her voice was gentle, hands running through my hair. I felt a mess. Hair messy like a child’s, eyes wide yet so tired. My lips were wet with drool, cheeks rosy with the summer heat. My head pounded with a nasty hangover.

I knew what my mom was going to tell me. I felt the car come to a halt, the road turning sharply into a familiar driveway with even more familiar trees peaking through the window. I knew where we were. I wasn’t sure if I was ready, but I knew there was no turning back.

Belly and Steven got out of the car first, just like every year prior. Footsteps echoed from the crushed up shells and rocks that were considered a driveway. Laughter and chatter, I recognized the voice as Jeremiah’s. My mother shifted underneath my head in hearing this, ready to get up. Her eyes met mine, silently pleading for me to just, try.

Sitting up, my back aches from the odd position I forced myself in. What I thought was comfort was a hidden pain shooting through my back. All I wanted more than anything was to lay back down on my moms lap. To pretend we were still at home. Like I wouldn’t have to confront anything. I heard the excitement in Jeremiahs voice.

“So, where’s Y/n?” My moms heavy sigh was a signal of impatience, her understanding was wearing thin, she was ready to shove me out into the outside.

I opened the car door slowly, head peaking out. My eyes were wide and nervous. Hands shaking around the door frame. I felt like a shell of the person I was the last time I’d stepped foot on this very ground.

“Jere.” His eyes were just as bright blue as I remembered, his hair just as unruly and free. He hadn’t changed, that alone gave me some sort of comfort. I felt my lips twitch up into a smile, eyebrows furrowed. I should’ve had smile lines at this age, but I only had worry lines. To stressed to think about being happy. But here I was, body peaking beyond the car door, cowering like a young child meeting new faces at a party.

My feet dragged, my body curling into itself in such a pathetic way. The door close weakly behind me, it didn’t make a sound I was sure I hadn’t closed it properly in my nervousness.

His footsteps were quick on the driveway, long strides shortening the amount of time it took to reach me. His eyes were slightly closed, like he was holding back tears. His arms outstretched, fingers motioning for me to come to him.

I didn’t realize how much I had missed how tightly he held onto me until having been deprived of it for so long. I wished I had been around more. I think I would’ve been better off if I had been. I could’ve healed, talked everything through.

But I ran. Far away from the people who supported me greatly, from the people who I needed to be around the most. I was cowardly and childish. A fool so blinded by her own emotions, I let myself close off to the people who I’d never had to before. I smeared my tears on Jeremiah’s shirt, his shoulder firm under my cheeks.

“I didn’t think you’d actually come.” His hands held my cheeks when he pulled away, keeping a hold on me liked I’d slip away if he didn’t. I shook my head, eyes crinkling just like they used to when we were children. I let out a hurt laugh. It was the furthest thing from real, but it felt nice to make someone else believe it was. Placing my hands over his, he lost all ability to move his hands other than his thumbs. He swiped at my tears, fighting off his own.

“I missed you.” I pinched his cheek, wiggling his face around playfully and snapping it back into place. His hands fell from my face, pretending to not find amusement in my attempts of play in such a serious moment. He swatted my hands away. My hangover was still intense, and my heart still beat unevenly, there was still a sense of magic around the beach house. I could feel the sadness slipping away, a new relief filling my heart as I eased back into the old routines of summer. It was still there, it always would be, but being around half of the pair I grew up around was enough to clear the murky skies and paint them a beautiful shade of crystal blue.

“I didn’t think you’d ever come back.” His words made my hands freeze, pulling back away from him and my smile falling, hard to bring back up. How could I explain my absence was one that was caused not only by the passing of his own mother, but by the cruel joke his brother had played on me. How in the weakest times, he continued to play me, made me feel so easy.

A deep breath got stuck in my throat, blinking hard. The small lump in my throat expanded until it burned. I swallowed, and swallowed until the pain was soothed enough to speak without an intense rasp. Licking my lips, I prepared for the long explanation and heavy details I would shorten to help Jeremiah understand why I had left everyone behind. I opened my mouth, only to have my words cut off and my heart to leap into my throat.

“Y/n.” His voice was airy, like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Turning my head to the side, I saw the joy in his face, mixing with what I could read as pure shock and what I could pick up as a deep sadness. It was clear it wasn’t only the youngest who was shocked by me showing up this summer.

“Conrad.” My tone was the same. I didn’t chase after him like I did to Jeremiah, nor did I welcome him into my arms, letting him walk right up to me. I felt stuck in place, heart racing at the sudden confrontation. He looked thinner, more tired. But his skin was still sun kissed and his nose was burnt on the bridge into a pinkish red. He had freckles scattered on his face and the same middle part that still, even after almost a decade of the change, curved off to the side near the back.

It was his house, it was stupid to pretend to be shocked by him being there. Jeremiah and all the courage I’d gained to even begin the process of speaking up about what happened was gone. The smile, even as fake as it was was wiped from my face and replaced with pure terror, pain.

It was like ripping my heart out all over again. Resurrecting the feelings that I had sworn to have buried over the last years. The ones I promised would never come back. I never saw myself in this light. So pathetic, letting something so old kill me all over again. It was like I was watching myself out of my body, listening to the world around me as a ghost. Only half of who I was. It was like I convinced myself these past few months that what happened was merely just a flesh wound, nothing deeper. I couldn’t have anticipated how far the ache would reach. How intense it would feel.

Conrad had began to try and speak again, his hands raising, my heart beating. The closer he inched, the harder it became to breath. The more blurry my vision became, the more everything hurt in a way I was sure I would never feel again.

Like some saint, Jeremiah had seen it. The way my shoulders tensed, chest rising and falling erratically. My skin was becoming blotchy around my neck and my eyes were watering more. I looked just as panicked as I felt. He’d seen me crashing out, he knew just as Conrad once had to get me out of there.

His hand hooked in mine, fingers intertwined tightly and palms pressed together until there was no space between us. He looked to me with a fake face on, eyes searching mine, he prayed I would go along with it.

My ears tuned most of it out, the pounding on my ears to great to really listen to what he was saying. I could only nod my head and let him lead the way. My footing was unstable, the ground shifting and pebbles flying in front of my feet each time I lifted my shoes off the ground. The birds sung to each other, and my mother instructed everyone to help unload the last of the cars luggage. Jeremiah and I had slipped away, keeping distance away from Conrad while doing so and slipped through the back door to seek shelter in his room.

I knew I had to explain it to him then, I couldn’t leave Jeremiah in the dark. Not when he’d been so worried that he pulled me away from his own brother, my best friend. He’d saved me, in a way. I owed it to him to tell him everything. Even if he’d take Conrad side. Even if I lost my only other bridge to Susannah’s life. He deserved to know.

Sitting on his messy duvet cover, my shoes fell to the floor, creating a heavy sound when they connected with the carpet. My knees were pulled to my chest, as if to hide away in a way. He was patient with me, his hand warm on my leg. I felt calmer without Conrad so close, with walls to separate us. I told him everything. He stayed stone faced while processing my feelings, how my heartache had been so great I couldn’t take myself back here until now. How my heart still longed for Conrad Fisher, how it always would. He didn’t judge me, but I could see how he felt bad for me. An idiot who fell in love with his idiot brother.

She’d been ignoring me all week. Something I never saw myself becoming well aquatinted with when it came to her. She was always a ball of sunshine, so easy going, so open to change. I had no idea that by me expressing my feelings I could change it in a moment. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew she would have run like this.

My mom always believed that Y/n and I were meant to be, pulled together by some invisible force. It constantly worked in our favors to push and pull us into a tightly knitted circle. Just us. When she died, Y/n was persistent on being supportive. Being there, caring more than anyone had ever done for me in that dark time. I thought that it was smart to buy into my fantasies, that Y/n had developed the same feelings I held for her and we could finally be what I’d always dreamed of.

It was the worst thing I could’ve done, looking back. How naive I was to think that even if she did reciprocate what I held for her, she was grieving just like I was. She was weak. Maybe she thought of it as wrong, now that my mom was dead. I drove her away with my own selfishness. It was a regret I carried all of my college experience.

Phone dry, a never ending loop of unanswered texts. She became a dump in a way, a place for me to open up even in her not being there. Part of me liked to think she read the messages. She had turned off her alerts, I had no idea, but thinking she saw them made my heart hurt less.

I thought by her coming, even though I knew the chances were slim as the Conklin’s had packed up and spent the summer down at Cousins without her in the previous years, I knew that maybe by her just being close that we could mend things. I had to. It hurt me to not be able to reach out and touch her like I once had the privilege to.

To hold her fingers under mine, rubbing dirt out of her eyebrows and maybe pressing my palms to her temples just to feel her warmth. How her legs tangled between the lawn and my own. It was all a foreign memory, ones that kept me going. Her laugh was a distant memory, one that echoed each night before I went to bed. For years I covered my ears and held my breath, afraid to loose the sound of her voice and smell of her perfume. Some shirts stayed hung up idly in my closet because she lingered on them. I didn’t want to wash it away yet.

Jeremiah insisted she just needed time after the first day. After he’d taken her away from me. I went into his room that night to yell at him, ask him why he would do that to me when he knew just how badly I wanted to hold her. He shook his head and held his breath. She was still hurting, he explained. Still scarred by the injuries that should’ve healed months ago. She needed time.

Time, something that became limited in the summer. Something we had not much of. There was no more guarantee she would be back. No more sure telling that her smile would once again light up the summer home and her voice would ring throughout the beaches. This could be my last ever moments with her. My last real conversation being one that caused her to leave.

I wanted to make it right more than anything, wanted to show her I still cared more than anything. I wanted to tell her everything. Pretend that we were okay, really be okay. I wanted her back.

Around the twelve day mark, I had enough. Time and space was something she had plenty of. I understood her, better than anyone. I know she needed her space, continues to need to heal. But for the first time in my life it’s like I have no clue on how to even begin to help her do that. It made me feel stupid, helpless. Killing myself over a girl who was once only a little girl to me.

The old dock was a place I found myself at most peace. The way the waves gently brushed against the old wooden beams, rocking the platform above. How the moonlight peaked through the cracks of the wooden roof and glistened on the water. You could faintly make out the shape of fish if you really looked and the wind was chilling compared to the usual humid summer air that hung all morning.

My arms were situated right against my body, hands tucked under my armpits. I was cold, sure, but I would never admit it. I always loved when Conrad would take me out here when we were younger. He learned his own love for the spot form his mother, a love that was passed down from child to child like an everlasting passion.

It was quiet, the water and the air drowning out any background noise. Sometimes if you were lucky, young children would play in the background. Laughter would fill the area. Maybe an old couple would barbecue outside. You could people watch. It was all so serene. Not enough to block out the creaks of approaching footsteps. How the boards groaned under the heavy steps getting closer.

My nose was red, I scrunched it in the cold. I sighed heavily, releasing any tension.

“This has always kind of been our spot, huh.” His voice was much deeper than I recalled it. Much more gravely, raspy than before. He was referring to Susannah and how it started, the first discussions that made us realize we were closer than all the others. We were certainly best friends. It was funny how even though it was her funeral that ultimately led to our breakage that she was a reoccurring theme in our lives. I nodded.

Silence took over us, a gap left between our bodies. I felt the urge to stay in place fighting the one to leave. I swallowed hard, looking over my shoulder and backing away slowly. My feet found the floor behind me, and unlike I had when the incident occurred, I was steady and able to begin my escape.

“Y/n, wait.” Conrad spoke softly. His voice wasn’t demanding, almost like he was begging. His eyes begged more than his voice. He pleaded for me to stay. I turned my head to him, stopping short and turning to face him. I watched as his frame began to tower over mine the closer and closer we got. He left a sizable gap between us still, out of respect for me.

Looking up at him, my eyes reflected the stars, wide and expecting. I waited patiently while his tongue licked around his mouth, his breathing heavier and heavier by the minute. He looked like he might burst.

“Y/n, you’re my best friend.” The words stung to hear even now. Even when I should’ve been relieved to know that he still considered me to be at the top of his list. My own heartache held me back. I could only nod.

“I know.” I could feel the lump in my throat form. How it hurt to not cry. How my eyebrows felt heavy and my nose became sore, not from the cold anymore.

He breathed out harshly, watching as I tried to make my escape again. His hand was harsh on my hand, pulling me back to where I was. I hadn’t even gotten the chance to turn away yet but he knew my intentions just as well as I did.

“You’re my best friend and it kills me to not be able to have you in my life anymore. I miss what we had, what we were. Everything was going great and then…what happened to us, Y/n?” I wish I could’ve answered him, but we both knew what led us here.

“I don’t have to defend my feelings to you.” My lip quivered, feeling a fight rising between us. We never used to fight. Now looking back on it, our last two interactions had only been fights. How quickly things can change.

Ripping my hand from his grasp I turned and made my quick escape down the dock. Walking as quick as my feet would carry me until my feet felt the grass beneath the soles of my shoes. I heard Conrad’s own steps connecting with the flooring just as harshly as mine had. The yank on my wrist was no as gentle as the first time around. His grip was harsh, tight. He made sure there was no escape.

“What is wrong with you?” His voice was raised but he wasn’t shouting. He rarely shouted at me. He always said he loved me too much to be mad at me.

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” My eyes rolled and my chest heaved, I felt myself getting hotter, cheeks redder.

“Susannah’s dead. She fucking died and everyone was hurting. You were hurting, I was hurting! You treated me like a last resort! Like, now that you lost someone important to you—you needed someone to fill the void! Made me feel easy, like an idiot! Trying to kiss me like it didn’t change anything—like it didn’t mean anything! It ruined everything Conrad! You decided that because you couldn’t have your ego bruised by being openly emotional, you just had to keep pushing people away! You used me! ” I threw my free hand up. I was crying. I felt stupid for crying, I shouldn’t be crying over him.

“I didn’t do that! No, Y/n you were never a last resort. I thought…I thought it would help! I didn’t think it would hurt you that badly. God, why did it have to hurt us so badly?” He shouted it at the sky. A fog now hugging the trees in the distance. A rainstorm coming in by morning. Clear sky’s would soon turn dark and murky. It felt fitting.

I felt rage. Pure rage. How blind he was to why I was hurting. I had pointed him in every direction, given him hints and yet he was always the one who even with their smart eyes and quick attention, could never truly figure out what I held for him. It all bubbles out like a sickness. A burning vomit that was nothing more than a dry heave. It hurt to get out, but the relief afterwards was worth it

“Because I love you, you idiot!” My voice was loud, deafening in the heavy silence that now hung between us, “I love you, okay?” I was more quiet the second time, seeing Conrad’s big eyes and shocked expression. How his hand loosened on my wrist, I prepared for the worst. The long awaited rejection that would forever break me, tear away the last pieces of the Fisher brothers from my life all together. Our past only to be held in old Polaroids and my moms photo book.

“And I’ve known it since that day in the pier. You bought me ice cream and I realized nobodies ever cared for me like that before. It felt so good to be know so well. It felt ducking amazing to have someone like that. I cared so much about you, I’m afraid I always will. Even now I can’t shake it.” I went on and on, confessing how I felt, when I realized what always been there. I felt his touch leave me completely. It felt cold to be so alone. My tears were salty when they landed on my lips, I wonder if Conrad could taste them.

His hands were warm on my cheeks, palms pressing into my jawline so hard that the simple touch felt that much more intense. His eyes were shut, I noticed. So I closed mine too, allowing myself to give into the boy in front of me. His chest pressed against mine, we were so close, air was almost impossible to find. I could only breathe in him, everything was Conrad. I could feel him everywhere. My nose, my eyes, my ears, my fingertips. His lips molded against my perfectly, slotting themselves into place and setting off jolts of electricity in my veins. It was slow and passionate, everything I had ever dreamed it to be. Wished for. He was gentle and rough, fearful to hurt me, as if I would shatter under his touch, but the pure desire to show me he felt the same was too great to dull down his actions.

We separated with a gasp. Heaving at the lack of air, both breathless form how long it lasted and how much build up had led us here. How badly we desired it. His forehead rested against mine softly, hands sliding down to settle on my waist. He was a lot softer now, more gentle, kinder. Like now that everything had been said wordlessly, he could finally relax by having me in his hold.

Our eyelashes fluttered against the others cheeks, a soft laughter passing between us. Our smiles were b, it felt more like a scar than a scab now. To have some reassurance that he didn’t go after me because I was easy in his eyes. But because he felt the same.

“It was the day at the beach. We got sunburnt badly and you took care of me all night.” I kissed his cheek while he spoke, holding onto him just a moment longer, “You said you realized your feelings the day at the boardwalk. I found mine while you were rubbing aloe on my back.” We laughter again at the almost stupid memory. How we had both realized what we felt at rehab seemed like the most insignificant parts of our relationship. Not when Conrad had taken me to my first party and danced with me all night, not when I stayed up all night with him and held him close just for the hell of it, but when we were children.

We had been so blind to it our whole lives it was almost a tragedy. How much wasted time we had in our lives. It was something we would never get back. Something so precious, something we all had so little of. It was too late to rewrite our history. We could only hope to fix what was broke. And in the silent of the night, Conrad began the mending with the soft whisper of three simple words. Ones that came out in almost a mumble, they only reached my ears.

“I love you.” I never truly believed Conrad when he would joke how distance makes the heart grow fonder, but after what felt like a lifetime apart, it felt like the most honest statement to be made.

Conrad Fisher was mine and I was his. After all of our damaged fights and flaws, we’d found each other again. Being pulled together again by that invisible string. Sticking like glue. My heart swelled knowing he would be mine in the morning.

I will forever cling onto everything I feared, but I will feel at peace with my own inquiries while now that we are half-awake, intimate in how we hold each other. Finally, the grief subsided and I am at peace. I am myself again, he is himself with me.

I know myself better than I have in years.

#conrad fisher #conrad x reader #tsitp conrad #conrad fisher angst #team conrad #conrad x you #jeremiah fisher #y/n x character

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brokenjere · 2 years ago

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strangers again (c.f)

synopsis: REQUEST - Can i request something too?

For Conrad x reader

Enemies to lovers/Friends to lovers

But reader is sick and Conrad taking care of her

Jeremiah’s name lights up on her phone next to her head, making her eyes hurt even behind her eyelids. She answers it with a groan and Jeremiah’s laugh cuts clear through it. “Whoa, you sound horrific,” he says. “Where are you?” She pulls her phone away from her head to check the time. She’s late. She’s been dozing in and out of sleep all day, trying to clear the headache that’s been forming in her brain. It was getting so bad, she started to feel nauseous and had to turn off all the lights. She didn’t even think to call Jeremiah and tell her she wasn’t going to be at the party.

“I’m sorry, J. I have a migraine. I’m feeling really sick, I’m not gonna make it,” she tells him. He sighs on the other side of the phone. It didn’t say I’m annoyed at you, it said that really sucks.

“Do you need me to come tend to you, little baby?” He asks as a joke but she can’t laugh. Jeremiah is a good friend to Yn. He always has been. She tells him no. “You sure? I can bring some Midol, and get you some ice-cold water. Lay with you while the lights are all off and pluck my eyelashes out from boredom?”

“I’m okay, Jere.”

“I’ll send Conrad, okay? He’s not coming.”

She quickly tells him no. She says it so many times Jeremiah laughs. “I’m serious. No.” The last thing that would fix her headache was Conrad Fisher but Jeremiah insisted so firmly, she conceded. She doesn’t have the energy to argue. “He can’t stay,” she says.

“Okay. I’ll send him over and I’ll see you tomorrow if you feel better?”

“Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow.” They hang up the phone and she closes her eyes again. She sees Conrad’s face with a red aurora around it. They used to be friends, her and Conrad, but now she would do anything to stay as far away from him as possible which sometimes proved difficult considering he was her best friend's brother but she still tried. She’d dodge him at the house whenever he entered the room, claiming a full bladder or that she needed to go home. Jeremiah let her pretend and never says anything to her. He still tried though like he knew something she didn’t.

She hears the front door open and shut and a voice calling out for her. Despite it being distorted and uiet, she knows it’s Conrad. She doesn’t speak because it hurts and lets him find his way to her bedroom. He flicks on the light and she throws the covers over her head in defense. “What the fuck is your problem?” She curses under the covers.

“What are you cussing at me for?” Conrad asks. She hears a plastic bag rustling and it makes her temples ache.

“Didn’t Jeremiah tell you I have a migraine? Why would you turn the lights on like that? And would you please stop fucking moving that bag around?!” She flips the blanket off of her head. Her eyes sQuint at the bright light above her head and she tries to focus them on what’s going on around her. He’s standing by her bedroom door with a grocery bag in his hand filled with God knows what. He’s smiling like he enjoys seeing her this way and she grimaces at him.

“Sorry, didn’t know I was walking into a hornet’s nest,” he quips. She narrows her eyes, no longer having to uint and he walks toward her. “Are you going to be nice and let me take care of you or is this a drop-and-go operation?”

“I’d prefer if you dropped and left,” she tells him. He pouts and she thinks it’s fake but when he sets the bag down on the bed and doesn’t open it, she wonders if he really does want to stay. And that pisses her off. “What do you have to prove?” She asks.

“What do you mean by that?” He furrows his eyebrows but doesn’t look at her. He pulls out a bottle of ibuprofen and cold water bottles and set them on the bed. Yn could feel the cold through her blanket.

“You don’t need to sit here and take care of me, you know? I can do it myself.”

“Lord knows that’s true,” he mumbles under his breath. He pulls out an almond Hershey bar. Her favorite chocolate. She tries not to think about it.

“What does that mean?”

“You’re allowed to make snippy, inconspicuous comments but I’m not?” He finally looks at her, throwing down a rag he took from her kitchen. It hits her leg and she glances between that and his face. It’s twisted in frustration. “I don’t have to mean anything by what I’m saying.”

“But you do mean something by it. You always mean something.”

Conrad scoffs and crumbles up the bag making her wince. She curls back up in her bed and kicks the stuff he put on the bed to the floor. He laughs but it’s not a happy laugh. He’s mad and she feels good that she made him feel that way. “You really are a piece of work, aren’t you?” She doesn’t want to but she peeks over her shoulder to see him bending down and collecting the stuff off the floor. She looks away before he can catch her. “I can’t believe Jeremiah still puts up with this shit.”

“He doesn’t put up with anything,” she mumbles. She closes her eyes and squeezes them shut so tightly to block out the lights he still hasn’t turned off. “He wants to be my friend. Just because you don’t doesn’t mean that other people agree with you.”

She can feel a fight coming on. One that she’s been trying to avoid for months and that, right now, she does not have the energy to participate in. Conrad opens the ibuprofen and shakes a few out into his hand. “Can you take some of these?” He asks her quietly. When she opens her eyes, his palm is outspread in front of her face with three white pills inside. “I have water.”

“I don’t want that right now.”

“Don’t be stubborn.” She groans and sits up against her pillows, snatching the pills

out of his palm. He twists open the cap of the water and hands it to her once she pops the medicine onto her tongue. He watches her intently as she washes them down. “Good job.” She rolls her eyes at him and sinks back down into the bed. “Who said I didn’t want to be your friend?” His voice is softer now with a level of concern she hasn’t heard from him in a while.

“You did, remember? When you told me not to talk to you anymore?” He doesn’t pretend to not remember. He just nods his head and sits on the corner of her bed as far away from her as possible. She was sure if he touched her she’d recoil away from him so she’s grateful he doesn’t make her do that.

“You know why I said that,” he whispers. He looks down at his lap and picks at the loose fabric on his sweatpants. She didn’t notice them before now. They’re ratty and old and she doesn’t remember ever seeing them before but it makes her wonder if he ran out of the house before getting ready.

“I don’t,” she says. “And can you please shut off the fucking light?” Conrad laughs a little bit. It’s a laugh that comes from deep inside his gut. It’s the kind of laugh Yn used to crave to hear and now it makes her stomach hurt.

When the light is off, instead of sitting back down on the bed, Conrad grabs the rag and bottle of water. He gets it wet and asks her if it’s okay if he puts it on her forehead. “The cold might make you feel better,” he suggests. She nods her head and then says yes aloud when she realizes he couldn’t see her. He sits closer to her now, his hip pushing against her side. She doesn’t recoil away from him but she notices it more than she should.

They don’t speak to each other as he presses the rag to her head but she can hear him breathing. She can feel his hand shaking. Her lips get dry and as the water drips down the side of her face, she feels like crying and she’s not really sure why. She wishes Jeremiah was here instead. She wouldn’t be so worried about his hip against her body. She wouldn’t be thinking about his hand shaking and wondering why it was shaking. Jeremiah’s hand wouldn’t be shaking at all. He was sure. He was so sure all the time it was why he was her rock. Conrad was never sure. That was why she couldn’t be around him. He made her feel uneasy.

When the rag gets too warm to be helpful, he puts it on her side table and dries the water off her forehead with his shirt sleeve. “How are you feeling?” He asks.

“Fine, I guess. Thanks.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“If you have to,” she says. She doesn’t mean to be rude but the talking made her head worse and if she didn’t have to, she didn’t want to. “Sorry,” she mumbles.

“I asked Jeremiah if I could come over,” he admits. She wishes she could see him but she knows that the fact they were in the dark and couldn’t see each other was the reason he just told her that. It was the reason they weren’t at each other’s throats right now. It didn’t feel real. “I wanted to take care of you.”

“Why?” Her voice cracks and her heart starts to race. She swears he can feel it in his legs from all the way in her stomach. Her nerves ran that deep.

“You know why…” He trails off.

“You keep saying that I know but I don’t. I don’t know anything. You, Conrad Fisher,

have always been an enigma to me.” Their entire relationship had been on the Conrad timeline. They spoke when he wanted to, hung out when he wanted to, and didn’t speak when he got in his moods. He was hot and cold and she just wanted to be there until it became too much. She know nothing when it comes to him.

The sensation of his hip pressing into her side changed to his thigh. The heat from his body went from the side of her to on top of her and when he speaks, his voice is closer than it was before. “I want to take care of you because I love you. I can’t talk to you because I love you and I can’t love you. You know I can’t love you.”

Her head is pounding but her heart is pounding harder and instead of worrying about the pain in her temple, she grabs his face and kisses him. He kisses her back like he’s been waiting for this moment his entire life. He leans into her, pressing his hands into the pillows on the side of her head as he deepens the kiss. He kisses her so hard, she forgets she’s in pain.

When he pulls away, her lips tingle and she presses her fingers to them. They’re wet and hot and she feels herself smile. “Are you okay?” He whispers to her. He puts his forehead against hers and she imagines him sucking the migraine out of her head. She nods. “Do you still hate me?”

She doesn’t answer right away. She puts her fingers to his face and feels for his lips. They’re stretched out in a smile and he kisses the tips of her fingers. She can feel his cheeks are hot and she trails her nail down to his jawline gently. She wants to remember how he feels in case she can never touch him again. “I never hated you, Conrad.”

#tsitp #conrad fisher #the summer i turned pretty #conrad fisher x reader #tsitp imagine #conrad fisher imagine #tsip conrad #conrad fisher fluff #conrad fisher one shot #conrad fisher fic #tsitp conrad

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jahayla-parker · 2 years ago

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Sideline Support : Jeremiah Fisher x Reader

Description: Jeremiah Fisher is there for his girlfriend through win or lose. Looks at various situations where he’s there to support her, including 3 wins and 1 loss.

Warnings: mentions of injury, mentions of food/eating, sports, angry coaches, a couple curse words, stress/pressure, but otherwise fluff.

Y/n took a deep breath and tried to calm her mind.

Her team was relying on her to help guide them towards a win against their rivals.

Not only was she one of their best players, she was also a starter and the team captain.

Her coach and teammates all expected her to remain positive and encouraging no matter what happened.

Meanwhile they also simultaneously expected her to do her best and help her teammates do their best.

So it was crucial that she clear her mind before the match.

She had a big exam to study for tomorrow but that would have to wait until after the game.

She’d studied before hand as well, but had to stop a few hours prior to the match to switch mindsets and prepare for the game.

As she took another deep breath, she shook her head and pushed the air out through her lips making them vibrate.

She tossed her bag in her locker and locked it up.

As she stepped into the hall, she saw the lower team playing in the gym.

She wasn’t sure how the match was going, having had studied during it.

She knew her coach wouldn’t be pleased she hadn’t watched their other teams.

But she had family matters to attend to after she got home tonight.

So she decided to watch the last several points of this set to make up for it.

Y/n watched through the thin window in the gym door until it was safe for her to enter.

She crossed the hall and slipped into the gym once it was clear.

Y/n watched the last several points and cheered the team on.

She slipped back into the hallway as the team concluded their game and began setting up for varsity.

Y/n stretched a bit in the hallway as she greeted various teammates on their way into the gym.

Once she’d seen most of the girls, the others seemingly still in the training room, she went to fill up her water.

As she set the bottle down to screw the lid she felt someone wrap their arm over her shoulder.

She turned and glanced up with a smile, already knowing who it would be, “hey Jere”.

Jeremiah smiled back and winked, “hey beautiful, you ready?”

She took a deep breath and nodded.

“Hey, where’d the smile go?” Jeremiah teased, squeezing her shoulder and bringing her closer to him.

“You’ve got this babe” he encouraged, smiling down at her.

She felt her cheeks warm as she smiled softly, “it’s just a really important match tonight”.

“I know y/n/n” he nodded, “that’s why I’m here!”

She laughed and went back to screwing the lid on her bottle, “you always come Jeremiah”.

He chuckled, “okay fair, would you rather I only come to the ‘really important’ matches so it’s more meaningful?”

She heard the playful tone in his voice, especially as he recited her choice of words.

But she wanted him to be certain that she wanted him here as often as he could be.

“No!” She panicked, pushing him playfully as he smirked at her reaction.

“I love you coming to my games, you know that” she defended, “I’m just feeling the pressure tonight”.

Jeremiah hummed and gave her a sympathetic grin, “well, no matter what happens, I’m on your side”.

She nodded and smiled at him as she turned back to him, “I’m counting on it”.

“Front and center y/n/n” he promised, holding his pinky to her.

Y/n giggled and hooked their pinky fingers together, “front and center”.

“Tie me?” She asked, handing him her hair tie and putting her back to him.

Jeremiah chuckled as he suppressed the urge to make a joke.

Y/n caught on anyways and smacked his chest softly as she turned back to him when he was done and rolled her eyes.

“Y/n have you seen the ball cart?” One of her teammates called out.

“Oh, hi Jeremiah “ she added with a wave upon seeing him.

“Hi y/tm/n” Jere greeted kindly.

Y/n smiled, “it should’ve been out there. If not, there’s a spare varsity one by the third door to the storage room. I’ll help”

She turned back and smiled at Jeremiah.

“You’ve got this!” He beamed, giving her a soft peck on the cheek.

“Good luck!” He cheered to both of them as he slipped onto the gym

“Was there anything else missing?” Yn asked as she walked with y/tm/n to the storage room next to the home team’s locker room.

“Nope, jv had everything else ready” She answered, “I see Jeremiah came again”

Yn blushed and nodded as she pulled out the other ball cart from the corner.

“He’s like your own little cheerleader” she exclaimed

Yn laughed , “I mean yeah, he always has been. That’s just Jeremiah, he’s always so supportive, but he’s here for the whole team too not just me”.

“Girl the only reason he cares about the team is because you’re on it” He teammate giggled.

Y/n blushed and bit her lip bashfully.

“I mean, unlike most boyfriends who can be caught starting at our teammates whom they’re not with and checking out their asses, your boy only watches you” y/tm/n winked.

Yn blushed madly as she fumbled for words.

——Time Skip——

Y/n noticed the tension and sadness on her teammates’ faces as their coach walked away from the huddle to speak to the assistant coach in private.

She glanced at the scoreboard to see the timer as to how much time was left in this timeout.

As she turned back to her team, she whispered “hey, guys, look it’s okay. We’ve been down by far more before and still won”.

Her teammates rejected expressions didn’t change as they stared back at her.

“Okay, sappy sentiments over. Now, middles we need to stay strong at the net, we have to slow the hall down. Outsides and right side be ready for the tip, once or blocks get there they’re going to adjust” She advised.

The girls nodded with less dim eyes this time.

“We have to keep talking, don’t let the fact we’re down a few points bring the energy down. We’ve got this okay?” She asked hoping they did in fact have it, but it wasn’t up to her.

Her team agreed and did a small cheer before running back to the court.

As she got in her position she did a quick scan to look over at her boyfriend in order to calm herself.

The smile on Jeremiah’s face as they made eye contact worked perfectly for what she wanted and needed; her anxiety dissipating.

Y/n did her approach off the net and called for the setter to set her for an attack.

She watched as the ball left her teammates hands and waited until it hit the appropriate spot to begin her attacking footwork.

She felt weightless as she unconsciously did her approach, her arms swinging back flawlessly as she neared the net.

As she launched herself into the air, within milliseconds her eyes searched and located the open spot on the other side of the net and the center of the ball.

She lifted her arm up until her elbow was by her ear and hit the ball, her arm swinging forward as she swung through the attack.

As Y/n landed and began to prepare for the other team to give the ball back after passing it up, she watched the ball spike aggressively onto the gym floor just before the other team’s defensive specialist.

She let out an excited cheer as she turned around to face her teammates who were cheering and huddling together for her.

She let her teammates congratulate her and pat her on the back before they did a quick team cheer.

As she turned back to the net to get ready for the next point, her eyes cast over to Jeremiah.

It was clear he’d already been cheering with everyone else but when he saw her eyes on him he smiled even wider and cheered again.

She bit her lip and shook her head to clear her mind as she turned back to the game.

—— Time Skip——

Y/n stepped back from her team huddle as she steadied her breath.

It was match point.

It had been an intense and close match, the teams evenly skilled.

Their team had 23 and the away team had 24.

It was her serve.

If she missed it, it meant the other team won.

If she got it over and in, there was a chance her team could still win the point to tie.

If she got an ace or otherwise did an effective enough serve to keep the other team from sending the ball back, they’d be tied instantly without having to worry about her teammates doing anything that might meaning lsoing the point.

Three points and they’d win.

She could do three serves.

She’d don’t far more consecutive serves before; heck, she’d done back to back aces that were well into the twenties before.

But the pressure was high.

The outcome of this game would set the energy for the season.

It was not only that they were their rivals.

Because they were rivaling schools, it meant a lot of students showed up to support.

As such, there were so many watching her and it wasn’t just her team relying on her to do these serves.

It also meant if they lost the game that they’d have less of an attendance at the next games for the season.

Which would be disappointing in general but her team also got encouraged by the fan section during times they’d be down in points in a match.

So, less attendance meant less chances for that and more work for yn to handle herself.

Whenever she was as focused as she currently was, she could get in the zone.

In other words, she could block out everything and everyone.

She had to.

She had to focus on just her and the volleyball that would soon be in her palm.

If she focused on anything or anyone else, she would risk getting into her head too much and messing up.

Her coach and team knew this, hence why they’d had no problem with her stepping away during this timeout.

Jeremiah knew this as well, which was good because while he was normally her source of reliable encouragement and her rock, she needed it to be just her in this moment.

When she heard the buzz of the refs whistle, she nodded at her coach as they made silent eye contact.

As the other teammates huddled closer and cheered, she walked to the end line.

The line judge rolled y/n the volleyball before getting back into position to watch the court and make a ruling should it be required.

Instead of looking towards the crowd to see her boyfriend, she briefly glanced at her coach to check where he wanted her to serve.

Upon seeing him hiding two fingers from the other team with his clipboard blocking his hand from the net, she nodded once and turned her eyes back to the ball.

She knew the crowd would be cheering, something that drove her crazy during the games when the team serving had their own fan section yelling.

Most spectators who’d been to enough games or knew the sport better knew it was often best to be quiet for your team during the serve and loud when the other team was cheering.

But it was never truly silent as no matter what, someone didn’t know this.

And it being so early in the season, it certainly had to be very loud as no one had realized the trend yet.

But she knew Jere would be quiet for her.

He and Conrad would usually even try and shush people sometimes when it was an intense serving point.

Jeremiah had played a bit of volleyball himself casually during the summers.

Conrad, as always was more competitive with his playing of volleyball.

But both played football outside of summer, not volleyball.

That was y/N’s sport.

But their experiences helped them be great supporters and spectators for the matches.

Nonetheless, Yn was able to block out all of the support from everyone when needed.

Sure, that sounds weird.

But her mind could make it quiet, as if she was simply at practice just her, the net and her volleyball.

She was truly grateful for that skill tonight.

When the up ref blew his whistle to signal that she could begin her serve, she relied on her habitual response to begin and get prepared.

As she felt her auditory senses shut down unconsciously, she took a deep breath and then looked down at her feet as she bounced the ball exactly three times.

She narrowed her eyes on the volleyball as she steadied it in her out stretched y/n-d/h (your non-dominant hand).

Keeping with her typical routine, she spun the ball slightly until the brand/logo was facing her and perfectly centered.

She took another deep breath as she dropped her arm minimally and tossed the ball upwards.

With no sounds reverberating in her mind despite them being present to all others, she focused on watching the toss.

As it came down to the correct point, she began her quick approach towards it.

She let out the breath she was holding as her feet landed back on the floor and the ball crossed over the tape on the net.

The sounds of the gym came back to her effortlessly as she unconsciously adjusted her focus again.

However, it wasn’t needed.

For, the ball had been shanked out of the court by the receiving player on the opposing team.

The cheers she heard around her were such a stark contrast to the self imposed silence she had moments before.

She smiled and let her teammates pat her on the back and offer her congratulations on her way back to the end line.

She remained friendly but truly wasn’t listening anymore, already ready to repeat her previous behaviors.

Jeremiah smiled to himself as he watched Y/n side eye glance at their coach as she stood at the end line again.

He silently fiddled with his fingers inside the pocket of his hoodie as y/n took notice of her coaches two fingers on the clipboard and then their coach’s signal to do a short serve.

Jeremiah held his breath in anticipation as she turned her gaze back to the game.

He knew zone serving was already a skill not everyone had.

But that combined with a specific area of the zone was increasing the pressure.

And he knew his girl well enough to know she was feeling said pressure.

However, he let out his held breath as the ball tipped over the net and landed on the floor just on the other side of the net.

The crowd, Jeremiah included, errupted in excitement at the seemingly easily earned point.

Y/n wasn’t ready to celebrate yet though, and he knew why.

There was one more point to go.

They were only up by one and needed to be up by two to win

He watched as y/n glanced over to the other teams coach, waiting to see if they’d call a time out.

Sure enough, she was right in her expectation.

The other coach quickly signaled to the ref for a time out.

Y/n rolled the ball back to the line judge as she made her way to the benches.

Her coach encouraged her to drink some water as he reminded his team to be ready for the ball to come back over after the serve and not be standing around unprepared.

Y/n haphazardly tossed her bottle back down as she toon in his words.

“Y/n, just go back there and do your thing. No matter what, we fight until the ball hits the floor. But, let’s just end this game and go home alright?” He asked looking at Y/n

She nodded and she and her teammates cheered each other on.

——

Y/n nearly toppled over as her teammates rushed her upon winning the last point.

It hadn’t been off her serve, but rather off a back row attack she made during the last play of the long rally that took place after her serve.

Y/n smiled widely, excited to have won and proud of her performance tonight.

But her eyes nonetheless scanned for Jeremiah as the fans began to enter the court.

Suddenly she felt herself lifted into the air, a screech leaving her lips in surprise.

However, she quickly realized whose hands they were and giggled as he set her on his shoulders.

After a few short moments of celebration, Jeremiah set her down so she could go do the end routine of the game, such as acknowledging the other team and talking with her coach and team.

Yet when she left the team meeting and returned to the gym, she was again swung up into the air and spin around.

Jeremiah smiled widely at her as he spun in circles making her laugh.

He set her down and steadied her as he exclaimed, “you killed it y/n/n!”

She grinned shyly and walked into his embrace as she talked with him and a few other spectators.

—— Time Skip ——

“Stop telling me no” Jeremiah teased, tickling y/n.

She laughed and squirmed against his side but didn’t let go of the hold she had on his waist.

“Now, I’m going to try it again,” he huffed, smirking down at her as she cuddled against him as they walked to his car, “you were incredible tonight babe”.

As she opened her mouth to argue, he paused and turned slightly to give her a stern look; well as stern of one the constantly bubbly boy could manage.

She clicked her tongue and sighed, “fine, thank you Jere”.

Jeremiah rolled his eyes, “your team won the game y/n/n”.

“I know” she agreed, shrugging slightly as they resumed walking.

“Okay, I’m not Conrad. I don’t understand this whole ‘we won but I’m not happy’ thing” Jeremiah teased, but she could sense the slight disappointment he had over not knowing how to help and thinking Conrad would’ve.

She was the one to stop their departure this time, turning to face him and cupping his cheeks with her hands.

“I am very happy about that Jerebear, I love your positivity” she began, his cheeks becoming rosy at the nickname as he smiled bashfully.

“And I know I should just be happy, but I can’t help but see ways I could’ve done better” she explained softly with a small shrug to show him it wasn’t that belig of a deal.

“Like what?” Jeremiah asked, leaning further into her left palm.

She smiled at how adorable he was and hummed as she confided an example, “I missed most of my hits tonight Jere”.

He shrugged, “everyone has an off day”.

She nodded softly and gave him a thankful grin.

“Besides your off day is still far better than anyone’s normal day” he whispered, not wanting to start things with the players still leaving the gym behind them.

She laughed and genuinely smiled widely at him as she bit her bottom lip, “thank you handsome”.

He smirked, “that’s what I’m here for!”

As she opened her mouth to respond, she was once again cut off.

But this time not by an attempted glare from her boyfriend, but rather the sound of her empty stomach.

Jeremiah’s eyebrows shot upwards and he smirked again.

“Well, that and, that”. He said pointing to her stomach.

Her hands left his face as she crossed her arms over her stomach and giggled.

Jeremiah smiled and shook his head, tugging one of her hands back into his, “come on, let’s get you your victory dinner!”

Jeremiah pushed the plate of fries closer to y/n as he sipped on his drink.

She glanced up at him with a smile as she took another fry.

He silently pulled his phone out and took a picture, laughing as she scoffed at him.

“I had a fry halfway in my mouth!” She gasped.

Jeremiah shrugged, “still looked down right beautiful to me”.

She grinned, flattered, as he smirked at her.

“It doesn’t go on Snapchat though” she warned, tossing a fry at him.

He picked up the fry as it bounced off his chest and onto the table, quickly dropping it in his mouth with a satisfied grin.

“Nah, just my collection” he promised.

She didn’t even have to ask, she learned years ago before they even started dating that Jeremiah had a little folder of photos he’d taken of her over time that she had requested not be shared with others.

It ranged from her giving him an over dramatic smile whilst in bright pink braces, her poor attempt at being mad at Steven over something she doesn’t even recall having happened, and up to things like tonight where she had a fry hanging out of her mouth.

He loved them all as he claimed they showed all sides of her.

And while he wanted to show her off to the world, feeling she deserved all the attention, he selfishly didn’t mind keeping them private.

This way he knew her in a way no one else did, and he loved that.

Y/n finished a few more fries and then lifted her phone of the table to snap a photo of him.

Jeremiah merely held up his burger for the photo and grinned.

She giggled and looked at the picture, “now for a caption….”

Without missing a beat, Jeremiah mumbled, “dinner of champions” through the food he had in his mouth.

Y/n slapped her hand on her face as she shook her head, “you’re so freaking sweet”.

He laughed as he wiped his face with the napkin next to him before reaching over and grabbing her hand.

“I mean seriously,” she began before he could respond, “how are you this sweet and hot? It’s insane”.

Jeremiah laughed loudly as his dimples deepened and cheeks flushed crimson, his blue eyes alight with glee as he tried to calmly brush off the compliment.

“If one of the other girls ties to steal you I’m quitting the program” she said leaning over and sipping from his drink, “I’m dead serious”

Jeremiah shook his head, squeezing her hand, “no one could ever steal me from you y/n/n. I’ve loved you for years, gorgeous”.

She beamed, “I’m just saying, I will”.

He laughed and shook his head, “don’t quit, I like being on the sidelines for your games”.

“And I love you being there Jerebear, but I’m more protective than I am competitive” she smirked, “so if a bi-“

Jeremiah laughed and held his free hand over her lips, tenderly stroking her jaw with his thumb.

“you have my word, you’re the only one I want to be with and cheering on, babe” he swore, smiling at her.

—— Time Skip——

“Hey, have you seen y/n?” Jeremiah asked y/tm/n gleefully as he nearly ran into them on his third circle of the gym.

“Oh, hey,” y/tm/n laughed, “uhh yeah I did. I believe she’s still in the athletic room getting taped!”

Jeremiah tried to hide his concern and forced a kind smile and nodded at y/N’s teammate , “thanks y/tm/n”

“Of course, but just so you know, we’ll be staring warm ups soon” she warned, as if he wasn’t already aware

That’s precisely what had him worried.

It wasn’t uncommon for her to go to the trainer and get her shoulder tapped as she often over did it and would strain the muscle.

But, that usually only took a few minutes and was so routine she would get it done as soon as she got to the gym and not this close to her match.

Just in case she was advised to ice before hand for swelling, so it had time to safely warm back up before their actual warm ups.

Plus, he knew she had her shoulder taped the day before last, prior to the last game and the tape used for her shoulder lasted several days.

So he tried, but failed, not to sprint down the hall to the training room.

As he slid to a stop in the doorway, his eager eyes found her instantly.

She was sitting up on one of the med tables, propping her leg up as the main trainer was apply athletic tape to her knee.

He stood awkwardly in the door, knowing as he didn’t go to the same school nor was he an injured player, he didn’t have a permission to enter.

However, one of younger players from the lower team spotted him and called for y/N’s attention.

Jeremiah sighed and mouthed sorry to y/n as she turned to face him.

She shook her head softly and smiles to say it was okay

After examining what stage the trainer was at with the tape she looked back at Jeremiah and held up one finger with the offer of another small smile.

He nodded eagerly and took a few steps out of the doorway so someone else could come and go if needed and instead rested against the bricks next to the sign to the room.

As she stepped out into the hall, he promptly spun to face her, his hands instantly finding her upper biceps as he glanced at her knee worriedly.

“Jere” she giggled, “it’s not a big deal! I’m okay I promise”.

He nodded slowly as he looked back up at her, “then..?”

She kissed his cheek softly, “you know how my knees are. I just was helping jv warm up and it must’ve twisted wrong”.

“Are you okay?” He asked his eyes widening again.

She giggled and stoked his cheek, “yes honey, I just said I’m fine. Relax. Besides I’ve had worse”.

The unamused look he gave her made her sigh softly, “Jeremiah, I promise you, I’m okay. I iced immediately and it’s had time to warm up since then so I don’t do the ball handling drills cold, and y/t/n taped it to add support, plus the knee pads should offer protection too.”.

He let out a sigh of relief as he took in her words.

“You’re still going to play?” He asked, not as a judgment nor in disappointment, but just to be sure.

“I was cleared, I’ll be careful though” she assured him with a smile.

He nodded, “no, I - that’s great, I’m glad you’re playing”.

“Why wouldn’t she be?” Conrad’s voice called out as he suddenly appeared behind his brother.

“Oh, hey Con” she greeted him with a hug.

Jere pointed at her knee, the tape sticking out of her knee pad .

“Oof” Conrad commented, “probably shouldn’t say break a leg then huh?”

Jeremiah smacked the back of his brother’s head, “that’s not even for sports, you ass”.

Y/n giggled before kindly excusing herself to go to her team.

Conrad rolled his eyes as he watched his brother cautiously watching the way Y/n landed each time, making sure her knee wasn’t twisting wrong or buckling under her as she landers.

“What would you even do?” Con teased.

Jeremiah turned to him as the next point was awarded, “What?”

“If something did happen, what would you do? Rush the court to carry her to the trainer five feet away?” Conrad joked, trying to get him to relax.

“I don’t know man, shut up” Jere replied with an embarrassed laugh as he realized he was being perhaps a bit over protective.

“That was impressive!” Conrad greeted as Jeremiah cautiously set Y/n back on the ground, eyes watching her knee the whole time.

She smiled, squeezing her boyfriend’s arm to calm him as she thanked Conrad.

“I’ll go get your bag” Jeremiah offered, kissing her cheek before going to grab her stuff she’d set by her chair prior to the match.

Y/n watched him greet her teammates that were still around after the meeting as he grabbed her bag.

Turning to his brother she pursed her lips, “how was he?”

“How do you think?” Conrad smirked, but when he saw the guilt on her face he laughed softly to break the tension.

“He’s fine, just cautious” Conrad added, “don’t worry”.

She sighed softly and nodded, looking down at her leg, “probably shouldn’t mention it’s throbbing right now then”.

“Do you need the trainer?” Con asked, eyes on her knee just as Jere’s had been all night.

“No, no, it’s expected. I just need to ice when I get back and -“ she began

Suddenly her bag was sitting beside her on the ground as she took in a gasp of air when her boyfriend lifted her up upon his return.

“Jere!” She giggled as she coughed her breath

“I heard you” he advised, raising an eyebrow at her as he secured his arms under her, “Con, can you get her bag?”

She rolled her eyes softly, “I don’t need carried though”.

“Hmmm, I disagree, can’t have my girl in more pain, now let’s get you home?” Jeremiah questioned softly.

“Jesus babe, what part of you isn’t taped?” Jeremiah huffed as he stood before her.

She glanced up from the bench as she finished adding another band of tape to her lower knuckle.

“Hey cutie” she blew a kiss before going back to her task.

“Let me” he offered, kneeling and taking the tape from her.

As she held her hand out to him, he focused intently on having the applied tape securely support her fingers without being too tight for circulation.

She smiled at him as the tip of his tongue peaked out against his bottom lip slightly as he focused so deeply.

“Thank you handsome” she replied as he looked up upon finishing taping her hand.

He nodded with a smile, placing a kiss to her knuckles before letting go of her hand.

“Mmm, I know that look” he said, still kneeling before her as she sat on the bench.

She forced a smile and he sighed with a raised eyebrow to show he wasn’t convinced.

“Coach y/c/n was getting on us. Practice last night didn’t go well and now he’s mad and worried we won’t do well” she sighed.

Jere nodded, “and now you’re having to convince everyone to be positive while he’s being a grump?”

She giggled softly and nodded, “yeah, pretty much. But to make it worse, if we lose this game…”

“You don’t go to districts” he said, completing her sentence for her.

She nodded with a sad sigh, “no pressure right?”

“Honey, just focus on playing your best and having fun. The rest will follow. I know they’re a good team “ he said seeing the look in her eyes, “but so is yours. Most important thing is you enjoy the game. If it ends up being the last, you don’t want it to be made worse by not having at least enjoyed it”

She hugged him and nodded against his shoulder, “you’re right, thank you sunshine”.

Tightening her ponytail in frustration, she glanced to the crowd to look for Jeremiah.

He gave her a sympathetic curl of his lips and nodded in silent understanding.

She sighed and turned back to game.

“Okay..” she whispered.

Her teammate heard and quietly agreed, “yeah..”

Y/n threw herself across the gym floor in a futile attempt to go for a ball that certainly wasn’t hers.

She wanted to cry in frustration as she watched the ball hit the floor several inches away from her outstretched hand.

The blow of the ref’s whistle made her close her eyes to keep calm as she stood back up.

She felt her knee and shoulder scream from the inelegant way she had gone after the last ball.

But she resisted the temptation to sit down on the bench and call it quits.

She instead, took a shaky breath through the pain and focused on the other side of the net; not brave enough to see if Jere had noticed her pain.

Y/n still had her head hung when Jeremiah reached her.

She’d minimally acknowledged the teammates who’d all patted her back given her seemingly frozen posture upon their loss.

Their coach wasn’t known for handling losses well and tonight was another reminder of that.

As captain, she already felt responsible but even more so after his inappropriate screaming over their loss.

So when Jeremiah reached her and placed his hands on her back, she barley noticed.

However, she opened her eyes upon feeling the warmth and texture of the hand she knew so well seeping through her jersey.

She saw his shoes before her as his hand rubbed her back.

When she calmed down some, she was able to now hear he’d been whispering soft words of encouragement to her.

She leaned back and looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

“Oh y/n/n, no, please don’t cry” he pleaded as he dropped to his knees before her and wiped them away with his thumb.

“I’m sorry Jere,” she mumbled.

“You don’t need to apologize for crying Y/n. I just don’t want you feeling like this is all” Jeremiah explained kindly.

“No, I’m not apologizing for crying Jere” she argued quietly.

He rose an eyebrow at her, “why then?”

“We,…I, lost” y/n reminded him.

“So? It’s not on you , and even if it were, why apologize to me?” Jeremiah pondered aloud.

She sniffled, “you came all this way to support me and we didn’t even-“

“Hey now,” he took a deep breath, “babe, I’m here for you; win or loss. I didn’t come here to see you win. I came hear to see you. That’s all “.

“Are you sure?” She whispered wearily.

“Extremely” Jeremiah declared.

She smiled tenderly and touched his cheek, making him smile.

“I’ll always be on your side no matter what.” He assured her.

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jeremiah-fisher · 2 years ago

Text

you and me,

—a the summer i turned pretty fic starring my first and favourite book boyfriend, jeremiah fisher ♡

「moments: happiness, reader insert」

author’s note: ahh, we're finally at the end. the absolute very end. i am on the verge of tears as i type this. please excuse the emotional word vomit of this author's note for the sake of my mental duress upon the conclusion of what is, arguably, my favourite fic i have ever written, thank you.

as many of you know, this fic began two days after the premiere of 'the summer i turned pretty' on prime video. at first, this fic was only meant to have a maximum of ten chapters. the original plot was simple, short, and sweet—absolutely nothing like what this fic has transformed into. but i'm so grateful for that redirection from god. i think, if i had stuck with the first plot, i never would have been able to write the incredible story that was written.

this fic means the world and more to me. i cannot put into words how many times i was excited to write it, how many times i was frustrated because of it, and how many tears i shed for the characters i hold so dear. these characters, almost all whom do not belong to me, are everything. they really, really are. especially and particularly, jeremiah and daisy. they really wrote this story themselves, i think. i was just the one typing up their adorable romance.

after all these months, this fic has finally reached a well-deserved conclusion. through all the happy times and the sad ones, the best and worst of them, thank you for sticking by these dumb-dumbs and rooting for their love. i hope this fic made you as joyous to read as it was for me to write.

lastly, i'd like to make a dedication. this fic is dedicated to every person who has ever fallen in love with their best friend. i hope the love you dream about is infinitely more beautiful in reality. and so, for one last time, happy reading~! :]

JEREMIAH

“Jeremiah.”

The voice which utters my name is soft spoken; delicate in a way which surprises me. All my life, I have compared her to a sergeant general. A lawmaker. Someone who lives by her moral code day in and day out, and never backs down from it. When we were kids, Belly used to say that scared her. That she would be exactly like her mother someday–cold, detached, lonely. Now, I look at her differently than before.

Laurel is my mother’s best friend. Her sister for life. They went through everything together from that first moment they met in college. Even with my mother gone, Laurel never stopped being who she is to us, to my mother. When us kids don’t visit Mom’s grave for some time, she gathers us and makes us go. When it’s Mom’s birthday, Laurel bakes her favourite cake and we sit and we eat it together and we watch home movies and we cry.

On a day as special as today, I’m glad I have her with me.

“Hey, Laur,” I say with a wide smile. Laurel always says she loves my smiles, and I love smiling for her, too. I give her a hug. She’s smaller than she used to be, her bones frailer than before. But she’s still Laurel Park. She’s still my favourite grown-up. “How are you?”

Laurel takes a seat on one of the only empty chairs in the room. Every other one is piled with suit jackets, undershirts, and shoes. They belong to my groomsmen, all of whom are outside right now helping with last minute details for the wedding.

“Isn’t that what I should be asking you?” Her smile warms me up as she looks at me. “How is our favourite golden retriever today?”

I shrug, knowing I can be honest with her over everyone else. “A little nervous, but more excited.” Then, because it’s Laurel, I go, “I miss Mom.”

Laurel nods, her lips rising into a sad smile. “I know you do, kid. Today’s a very special day. She talked about it all the time. Seeing you at the altar with YN walking towards you. It was her dream.”

“It was?” I ask. Laurel stands and walks towards me. Her touch is gentle as she pats my hair then runs her fingers through it exactly the way my mother once did. “Oh, that feels good.”

Her laugh swims through the air and lands happily in my ears. When I look up at her, her eyes are watery. I can count on one hand all the times I have seen Laurel get emotional. Once in the hospital when my mother passed and then at the cemetery where we buried her.

“Even though she’s not here, I know Beck is somewhere up above smiling down on her boys every single day.”

“Laur, you don’t believe in heaven.”

“I do. When it comes to the people I love, I do.” Her face is tender as she peers at me, long and hard, as if she is painting me inside her memory. As if I will fade away. Mom always said that YN and Belly were like the daughters she never had. I wonder, was it the same for Laurel? Does she look at me and Conrad the same way she looks at Steven, like her sons? “Now, come on. We need to get you ready for the rest of your life.”

A tiny, fond smile spreads across my lips. “The rest of my life,” I whisper to myself, not being able to believe it. In less than two hours, I will be standing at the altar on our stretch of beach, at the summer house we all grew up in, watching as the girl I have always loved walks towards me. And I can’t wait.

. . .

With just a few minutes to go before I am expected to find my spot at the altar, I am all alone in my childhood bedroom, standing in front of the dresser my mother picked out for me before I was born. It has all the stuff I put on it at ages six and eight and ten and seventeen. All the way down to the bottle of perfume Dad let me ‘borrow’ when I was fourteen, trying to impress YN with cologne. It’s my signature scent now, even though I never finished Dad’s bottle.

I pick it up and gently spray it over my skin, making sure I hit the right spots. As I go to put it back down, someone opens the door and walks in. It’s Conrad, and he has an envelope in his hand.

“Hey, Jere,” my brother says, walking over to deliver the envelope to me. He sets it down on the dresser. “Mom wanted me to give this to you on your wedding day. So… here.”

I look down at the envelope, half knowing what it is and halfway about to cry. This entire day has been hard to get through without crying. Every time I think these are the last of my tears, I find something new to bawl about.

“What is it?”

Conrad’s lips tug up in a small smile. “What do you think? I got one, too, remember? Laurel gave it to me when Belly and I got married.”

A chuckle escapes me as I pick up the envelope, turning it over to find my mother’s handwriting and the words To Jeremiah, my angel. I glance at my brother again. “I can’t believe you married her so fast. She wasn’t running away, you know.”

“She spent a whole year in Spain when she wouldn’t talk to me. After she came back, it took me so long to get her to agree to marry me. I wasn’t going to mess up with her again.” He leans back against the dresser. “Sometimes… I feel like Mom watches me make all these bad choices when it comes to Belly and haunts me in my dreams until I fix things.”

“That does sound like something Mom would do,” I laugh, opening the envelope to discover a folded letter inside. “You wanna read this with me, big bro?”

Conrad shakes his head and heads for the door again. “Spend some time with Mom, Jere. I’ll see you out there soon.”

As soon as he is gone, I take a seat on the edge of my bed and open the letter. Then, I start to read, knowing more tears are on their way. Mom has always known exactly when I need her, and today most of all.

My dearest Jeremiah,

My darling boy, more than anything else today, I hope you are happy. From the moment you were born and I held your little body in my arms, your happiness is all I ever hoped for.

I worried about you so very much when you were little. Just like every mother does. I worried if you were healthy, if you were being treated well, if you were loved as best as you love. That heart of yours is my favourite part of you. Your big, loving heart. I was so happy when you met your Daisy because I knew you had met someone with a heart perfect for yours.

Today is your wedding day, and even though I am not with you, know that I am. In your heart, I will always be with my angel. You brought your mother so much happiness, Jeremiah. Never forget that.

I used to dream about your wedding day so often. I wanted you to wear blue so your eyes would shine on your special day. I wanted to see YN in a wedding dress with tiny little daisies on it. I wanted to see you both so happy. I hope that you are.

I told YN this long ago and I will say it to you now: watching you and her find each other was one of the greatest joys of my life. I’m happy knowing that you both will love each other the best that two people can.

If love is anything, it is the two of you, together.

My Jeremiah, my perfect boy, I miss you and I love you with all my heart.

Be happy forever and ever.

All of my love always,

Mom

. . .

Jeremiah is smiling at me. He smiles and smiles and smiles so much that I think his smiles could rival the sun behind him. A few times, I have to squint to see him properly, and this only makes him smile some more.

Four months ago, we got engaged. Today, we are getting married. It is the middle of August, it is excruciatingly hot, and me and my future husband are standing in front of each other on the beach with the summer house behind us. The decision to have our wedding here was a natural one; something like fate, like serendipity. This is the place we fell in love. It is fitting then that it should also be the place where we promise ourselves to each other forever.

I’m a little jittery as the officiant asks me to begin with my vows. I wrote them the same night Jeremiah asked me to marry him. He was exhausted after surfing and fell asleep on the couch with the TV on. I sat on the dinner table, in Susannah’s favourite spot, and wrote and wrote until my fingers bled. By the end, I had written well over five pages and one quick call with Belly and Taylor and then my mother and sister told me I would have to cut some things out. Now, I have each and every word memorised and I want nothing more than to say them to the man smiling at me like I am the most precious person to him. In his heart, I know I am.

My hands begin to shake. I start to reach for my dress with tiny daisies on it, ready to pinch my thigh, and without saying a word, Jeremiah reaches for it, holding it in his own as I struggle to catch my breath. His skin on mine is all I need to know that everything, all of this, is going to be okay. We’re together, me and him. That is all that matters.

“Jeremiah,” I start, my voice quieter than I thought it would be. I lick my lips, and he grins. For a moment, he almost looks ten years old again. Exactly like the little boy who made my heart beat differently; made it skip a beat when no one else ever had.

“Yes, Mrs. Fisher?” Our audience laughs and I stick my tongue out at him.

I squeeze his hands then pick up his right to kiss the back of it. I look back up to find his eyes a little more watery, a little bit more in love. With a calmer breath, I begin again. “Jeremiah Fisher, you are the love of my life. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. When we were just kids, when we were teenagers, when we were in college, to now, and forever. When we met and you called me Daisy, I knew you were going to be special. No other boy had ever been so bold.” This grants us another laugh from our friends and family. Jeremiah holds onto me a little harder, and I thank him for it. I’m crying now, tears streaming down my face, and his fingers are perfect on my skin as they brush them away. “Everything I know about love, I learned from loving you, and being loved by you in return. I know it’s not possible, but I wish I could show you what it’s like inside my heart. I want you to know what it’s like to be loved by you. How precious it is. How sweet and wonderful. As a kid, it was so hard to keep my love for you a secret because every time you fed me Skittles, or bought me ice-cream, or snuck into my bedroom, all I wanted to do was tell you. But then you told me and I was so happy. Happy just like I am right now. Thank you for loving me, for making me your wife. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life falling in love with you again and again everyday. It’s always been you and me, Jere.” I take in a shaky breath and look up at the great, big sky above us, touching the bracelet on my wrist. It’s the most perfect afternoon with the sun bright and alluring, the clouds high and fluffy, and the colours of a summer day. I know she will hear me when I say this. “Susannah, I miss you and I love you, and I promise I will take care of your angel until my very last breath.”

Jeremiah rushes forth to kiss me as the last of my tears drip down my cheeks and the last of my words fall from my lips. Our friends and family let out hoots and hollers and “aww’s” and I sink into his kiss, feeling his smile form on the lips I love. When he pulls away, he is reluctant, and I hold onto his hand to give him some comfort as he starts his own vows.

“YN, I…” My name is hardly said before he chokes out a sob, stumbling over his emotions. I step closer to him and gently cup the side of his face. He kisses my palm, nodding and knowing he can keep going with me by his side. His sea blue eyes are radiant, complimenting the colour of his suit. He went with Steven to pick it out last month, and originally, it was supposed to be white. But then he thought about Susannah, and how she would have loved him in the colour which suits him best. I could not be more grateful. Jeremiah sniffles, rubbing just under his nose for a second. Then he finds my eyes again. I smile to give him courage. “YN, loving you… it’s not only the best thing I’ve ever done, it’s also the easiest. You make it so easy to love you, did you know that? Everything you do makes me fall in love with you a little more everyday. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing or where you are, I always love you. And I think about you so much. You’ve always been right by my side. Through thick and thin. When I struggled with school or when I lost my Mom, you were there the whole time. I know it sounds crazy but I knew I was going to marry you when I was a kid. I promised myself that I would. From the moment we met, you were it for me.” He squeezes my hand as I begin to cry again. “You’re my best friend, you’re my Daisy. No one makes me happier than you. I love you, forever and ever.”

I don’t hold back the least bit when I surge forward to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him hot and solid, in front of everyone we love and hold dear. He catches me by the waist, our tear stained cheeks and smiles a bridge of love between our mouths. He whispers I love you on mine and I whisper back, I love you more.

. . .

TEN YEARS LATER

We are driving down familiar roads, singing along to songs from our childhood, and when I look to my left, there he still is–my Jeremiah.

The years have been abundantly good to him. His jaw is stronger now, his skin glowing, his hair a little more wavy than curly, and his hand on the steering wheel with the ring I put on his finger so long ago. No one but us knows about the engravings inside them.

My Fishie on his.

My Daisy on mine.

It is his eyes which are the same. The ones which never change. They are just as blue, just as beautiful, as the first day I looked into them. Back then, I didn’t know that those eyes are the ones I would gaze longingly into for the rest of my life. And more. If there is a life after this one, then I hope it is still his eyes I find on another summer day.

We are driving to Cousins Beach. From my approximation, we are less than minutes away from the summer house. Our bellies are full from potato chips and slushies, and we have two giggling children in the backseat. A boy and a girl. Jace and Suzy.

It’s the start of summer vacation, and the very last time our family will be driving up here for the summer. By January, we will officially move our lives here. Mr. Fisher asked Jeremiah to head the very first Fisher Bank in Cousins and I am going to work in a lab downtown, continuing my genetics research. The kids will live here year round and during the summers, their cousins and friends will come to make memories with them. Just like Jeremiah and I did.

He honks the horn four times in succession as soon as the car is on the driveway. The kids laugh and hold their hands up against their ears, making me shake my head at my husband. He grins at us, his smile so big that my heart stutters.

“Gotta make sure they hear, ya know?”

“Daddy, it’s too loud!” Suzy whines, hmphing at her father. She has never liked loud noises, whilst her big brother is the total opposite.

Jeremiah unbuckles his head and turns around. His smile never loses its shine as he looks at our kids. “First one to the door gets to eat Jell-O for dinner tonight!” With that, the kids are jumping out of their seats and running fast for the front door where Belly, very pregnant and smiling, welcomes them in.

I unbuckle my own belt, ready to go in after them, when Jeremiah softly catches my arm. I look back at him, curiosity spreading over my features. “What’s wrong?”

“I have to tell you something,” he says, almost whispering it like he’s unsure of what he wants to say. “But I’m scared to say it.”

I set him with an ‘are you kidding me?’ sort of look. “Just tell me.”

He nods behind me, towards my old summer house. Last I heard, my father had left it empty. The house belongs to our family, and from time to time, we go over there, even if just to reminisce. Esme brings her family, her new husband and the kids, and our parents come, too.

“Your dad gave the house away.”

My eyes widen. “What?! When?! Why?! Why didn’t he tell me?!”

Jeremiah digs into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out a pair of keys. A very familiar pair of keys. The keys to the front and back doors of my old summer house. He smiles, a little shy and very much adorable, and tells me, “He told me he wanted us to have it. I know two houses is crazy, especially when they’re right next to each other, but I was thinking we could do some renovations and build a pathway between them so everyone can move back and forth easily. And we can plant some more trees, and give Gerald a family of his own, too.”

I sit back in my seat and smile. No matter how long we have been together, Jeremiah Fisher never fails to make me lose my mind in the best ways imaginable. “I love you, you big dumb-dumb. It’s a great idea.”

He grins, and I pinch his cheeks just because. “Really?”

I lean in and kiss his lips. His soft, perfect lips I have kissed so many times and never get tired of. “Yes, really. I’m happy.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m always happy with you.” With that, I kiss him one more time then slip out of the car, walking out to greet Belly who is trying her hardest to make it down the porch steps without falling. “Be careful, Bells! My God-child is in there!” Belly and Conrad have two kids already, and when they announced a third, I made sure me and Jeremiah were the only ones on the God-parent list.

She gives me a look of discontent but I just smile and walk over to hug her whilst Jeremiah passes by us, kissing her hair, as he takes our bags inside. I help Belly back up, and just as we make it to the door, Steven’s car pulls into the driveway and he honks five times. Jace comes running out at once, slipping between me and Belly’s legs, and runs down the porch steps to Steven’s car. At hardly ten years old, my son is fast enough to play on his school’s soccer team and he loves every second of it.

As soon as Gia, Steven’s oldest child, opens the door, he flings himself at her in a ginormous hug. Steven gives me a look, but I just shrug, my heart lifting at the happy thought as I wave to him, his wife, and Laurel, who is not alone. Surprisingly, Cleveland is with her and I just know Jeremiah will spend the entirety of dinner tonight hounding the two of them with questions about their relationship.

At night, when all the kids are tucked away in bed and the adults are watching a movie in the living room, I find myself peering out the window to see Jeremiah down by the water’s edge. I put my cup of tea on a table and grab a shawl and my slippers, heading out to be with him. He doesn’t startle when I take my spot beside him, as if he knew exactly who was going to be by his side. I suppose, after being together as long as the two of us have been, some things are no longer a surprise.

I watch him for a moment, just the side of his face. He is smiling, albeit faintly, but I know, just by one look, what he’s thinking about. Or rather, who is on his mind. No matter how many times we come here and go back, she is the one person whom he is reminded of over and over.

“I think,” I say, breaking the silence delicately, “Jace has a crush.”

Jeremiah chuckles, turning his head a bit to gaze at me. “On who?”

“Gia.”

His eyes widen, and then we both break out into a fit of laughter.

“Oh, Stevie’s gonna be so mad,” he laughs, shaking his head. “He said he made Gia promise she wouldn’t date until she finished college.”

I roll my eyes, smiling despite the idea. “Steven needs a reality check. Gia’s only ten.”

Jeremiah knocks his shoulder against mine. “So were we, when we fell in love.”

“I did not fall in love with you at ten years old, Jeremiah Fisher.” But even as I say it, I know it’s a lie. Because I did. I really, sincerely did.

My husband pulls me into a hug at his side, his arm going around me. We listen to the waves crash against the shore as he says, “You’re right. That happened before we were even born.”

I giggle, my heart skipping that same beat again. That beat which belongs entirely to him. “You’re getting cheesier by the day, did you know that?” He kisses the top of my head and hugs me again, as if he is terrified I might disappear into nothing. I reach between us to intertwine our hands, feeling his fingers so perfectly in tune with my own. “I miss her, too,” I whisper, bringing our hands up so I can kiss the back of his. “Every day.”

Jeremiah breathes in, as if finally doing so for the first time tonight. “I feel like there’s a hole in my chest all the time. I want something to fill it… but nothing does. And I miss her. I wish she could see us now. You and me, and our kids. And Belly and Con, and Steven and Laurel.” He looks out at the ocean. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life missing her.”

I turn in his arms so I can gather his face in my palms. I know my eyes are teary and I should be the strong one right now, but when he gets like this, I’m not. I’m just as broken as he is, and I wish for the same things he does. “If Susannah were here right now, I know she would want me to say this to you.” I search his eyes for understanding, and when I find it, I take a steady breath and tell him, “I love you. Even with your mother gone, you have to know she’s close. And she’s smiling at you and our family and she’s so happy to see you happy. That’s all she ever wanted for any of us.”

He nods, smiling through his tears. He brings me back into his arms again, settling me on his lap like he does every time he needs me close. I wrap my arms around his body, hugging him with everything inside of me.

“I love you,” he whispers into the darkness, his voice like a melody in my ears. “I love you more and more as the years go by. How is that possible?”

I bring my head back around to grin at him. “Because I’m just so incredible.”

He holds me at the waist. His eyes scan my face, and I don’t know what he is looking for but when he finds it, so much of the sadness in his eyes flies away. “Wanna go get ice cream?”

I don’t hesitate. “Always.”

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