#Jeremiah fisher x yn

[jahayla-parker]

His Cheerleader : Jeremiah Fisher x Reader

Desc: Jeremiah can always rely on y/n to be his cheerleader, no matter what team he makes, if his father shows up or not, how he plays, etc. Kinda like his internal monologue/thoughts on their relationship but also has “current moments” with the couple at one of his games! Fluff, miiiinnor hurt-comfort (mostly just comfort), established relationship, sports!bf trope, etc.

Warnings: Relationship(s)- including but not limited to romantic and familial, kissing, hugging, physical contact/affection, some light PDA, Mr. Fisher (he deserves his own warning cause he’s trash within & outside of this fic)

Notes: Susannah is alive in this fic, it is NOT stated what her condition is at the time of these events.

Length: 1.5k

Jeremiah was used to being the brother that was overlooked. Everyone seemed to focus on Conrad. Conrad was always older. Conrad was always taller. Conrad was always more mysterious and intriguing. Conrad was always better at the things their father thought to be important. Conrad was always more talented. Conrad was always more athletic. Conrad was always better at football. It was no wonder everyone cheered for and focused on Conrad. Everyone but her.

Jeremiah wasn’t sure what it was he’d done in his life to deserve her, but somehow the universe decided he did. And he was ecstatic about it. She was one person Jeremiah could always count on to cheer him on. Well, her and his mother Susanna. But he had to share his mother’s love and support with Conrad. He didn’t have to do that with her. She was all his. Not in some controlling or possessive way. But in that he knew her heart was stitched to his indefinitely. That she was always on his side. That she would always be there to encourage him when he was down and cheer for him when he succeeded. He didn’t have to worry about her support waning if he were to lose a game. He didn’t have to worry about letting her down by not playing his best. He knew even if he’d made a complete fool of himself, she’d be there pretending as if he hadn’t and loving him nonetheless. He knew all of this and had felt it for what seemed like ages. Yet it always made his heart flutter to think about it. He truly couldn’t believe he could call her his. His best friend. His crush. His girlfriend. His cheerleader. His rock. His love. His everything.

Tonight was another example of her unbelievable dedication and support.

Jeremiah had been sulking on the bench after having gotten pulled out by his coach after a failed play. He knew he’d messed up, but he wanted another chance. Not that it mattered. While he undoubtedly wanted to make his mom proud as well, he knew his father was not in attendance tonight. Although he rarely ever was. Even if Jeremiah had only taken up the sport in order to spend more time with him. He was pulled from his sulking when his teammate Trent nudged him. Instead of vocalizing his reasoning when Jeremiah looked over at him, Trent nodded his head towards the section of stands that were directly across from them. Jeremiah squinted faintly so his eyes could adjust to see past the stadium lights and into the crowd. His frown immediately turned into a wide grin as his eyes found her. He couldn’t believe she’d come tonight.

She was supposed to be at home, studying for an important exam. She was a far better student than he was. Not that he really put much effort into his schoolwork. But she did. She took school very seriously and had high expectations for herself. She’d come to nearly all of his games, but he had gotten her to agree that on nights where she had schoolwork or other priorities that she’d choose those. She went to a different school than he did, which meant she also had to travel some to attend his games. Yet, despite all of that, she was here again tonight to watch him play.

Jeremiah hoped she’d studied at least some. But he was selfishly happy she’d come tonight. His father was supposed to be here, but had texted his mom minutes before kickoff that he wasn’t coming after all. He’d been beyond disappointed with the cancellation. And that was only worsened when he was pulled from the game moments ago. However, her attendance had instantly turned his night around.

Jeremiah smiled widely as he watched her waving ecstatically from beside his mom. He quietly chuckled and waved back at her. He heard Trent mutter something, causing him to shift his attention away from her. “What?”

“I just said your cheerleader is back,” Trent laughed, once again nudging Jeremiah.

Jeremiah’s head whipped to the side as soon as he heard the whistle blowing. He could only faintly make out that the crowd was cheering, her voice sounding far louder than the others as she chanted his name proudly. He’d just scored a touchdown and yet all he could think about was turning to see her reaction. He knew even if he’d messed up the play she’d have been cheering for him. But to see her jumping up and down as she and his mom held up a homemade banner that had his name and jersey number on it? That was better than anything. As he looked closer, he wanted to cry. She was wearing his alternate jersey over a hoodie he could tell was his as well. He shook his head in loving disbelief. He shamelessly lifted up his hands and made a heart shape with them as he continued to face her despite the whole stadium looking at him.

Jeremiah joined the huddle with his team to do one last hurrah to celebrate their victory tonight. But his mind was elsewhere. He could hear the family and student sections of fans racing down the bleachers and onto the field behind their group. And he knew she was with them. He wasn’t even truly sure which team cheer the team had chosen for tonight’s win. All he knew was the second the players were cleared to greet their fans. And without hesitation, he spun around and raced towards her. It took him no effort to spot her. As he approached, he lifted her into the air, smiling as she giggled in his arms. Upon setting her back on the ground, he tore off his helmet and pulled her in for a passionate kiss. He rested his head on her forehead as they pulled back and smiled. “Thank you for coming”.

“There’s no where else I’d rather be Jere,” she winked. “Congrats babe!”

“I am very lucky to have you,” Jeremiah nodded with a grin.

“That’s-Jere!” She groaned playfully. She chuckled. “That’s not what I meant! Congrats on the win, babe!”

Jeremiah chuckled and pulled her in for another kiss. “I knew what you meant,” he confessed. “But I still stand by what I said.” He laughed again as he watched her bashful reaction to his flirtation. “God, you’re so pretty”.

“Look who’s talking!” She scoffed, reaching up to run her hands through his sweaty curls. She pulled him in for a tight hug. “But seriously Jere, you did amazing!”

Jeremiah smiled as he rested his head on her shoulder. His smile grew as he spotted his mom approaching from behind her, a camera in his mom’s hand as she photographed the couple. He pulled back momentarily in order to greet his mom.

“Did you see the sign?” His mom questioned, holding up the mentioned item.

“I did,” Jeremiah grinned at his girlfriend. He snaked his arm around her waist and brought her to his side. “I love it,” he said, kissing her cheek.

She giggled shyly and snuggled into his side. “I wanted to make it bigger, but that’s the only poster board I had at home,” she explained with a soft sigh.

Jeremiah hummed. “It’s perfect,” he promised. “But, speaking of, why aren’t you at home?”

She frowned and looked up at him. “You didn’t want me to come?”

“I love you being here baby, you know that,” Jeremiah reassured. “But I thought you had that exam to study for?”

She shrugged. “I did study, I also took the bus here instead of driving so I could study on the way”.

Jeremiah felt his eyes start to water. “You took the bus? You didn’t need to go through all of this-“

She shushed him and held him tightly. “I’m just grateful Susanna offered for you guys to drive me home tonight afterwards so I could come,” she smiled.

Jeremiah smiled appreciatively at his mom. “I’m truly happy you’re both here,” he stated warmly.

“I’m sorry he didn’t come,” she whispered with a sympathetic frown, picking up on his underlying meaning.

Jeremiah hummed. “I know you are, but I have, as Trent calls you, my personal cheerleader, with me,” he grinned. “I couldn’t be happier,” he said, lips pressed to the top of her head.

“I’ll always be your cheerleader, just yours,” she winked.

“Not the team’s?”

“No, our schools are rivals you know,” she reminded with a laugh. “But I’m proud to be your cheerleader”.

Jeremiah blushed and pulled her to his chest as he gazed down at her. “And I’m proud to have you as my cheerleader”. His fingers played with the hem of the jersey of his she was wearing. “I must say though, this Jere’s/highschool/team jersey looks really good on you,” he smirked, leaning down to kiss her.

Jeremiah Fisher Taglist: @wolfmoonmusic @peonyorgabbyt

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[jammysworks]

smut after the cut

18+ MDNI

warnings: face sitting, oral (fem receiving), fingering, spit, overstimulation, slight dacryphilia, accidental edging, porn without plot

word count: 0.2k (this one’s a little short)

jeremiah’s tongue swiped across your folds, drawing shapes into your clit as your thighs squeezed around his head. his fingers began to prod at your entrance eliciting gasps from the figure above him.

jeremiah’s mouth slurped up all of your past oragasms and spit them back onto your clit, sucking on the bud. “fu-fuckk..jere m’ gonna cum!” you squealed while attempting to squirm away from the contact. “wanna see you cum on my tongue..” jeremiah muffled against your core, placing both of his hands on each side of your hips and accidentally pulling his mouth away when he began to lay you onto your back, causing your close and desperate relief to escape your grasp.

“n-no..i was so close!” you sobbed between hiccups and gasps, gripping onto the sheets below you. slick leaked from your quivering hole and dripping down your thighs while jeremiah placed his mouth flat against your cunt once again. “i’m sorry baby. guess we just have to do it again, hmm?” you pushed your hips away, hands moving from the sheets to his shoulders as you tried to move him off of your poor pussy :(. “i can’t..” you whined, tears beginning to form in your water line once again and leaking down your red hot cheeks. “..already finished four times, s’ too much!” regardless of your statement your body pushed itself towards jere’s ministrations. “you can take it.”

[rainxhail25]

Blurred Lines

Conrad Fisher x Female Reader

A/N: Even if it’s not addressed in this chapter, Y/N is a female chubby character just a heads up!! This chapter is an introduction!! We will see more of Conrad in the next chapters!! Didn’t check for grammar!!

Warnings: Panic attacks, mentions of body image issues and insecurities. Angst

Chapter summary: Your mom was very close with Laurel and Susannah. After a car crash at Cousins, Susannah took you and your younger brother in when you were young. You kept pushing everyone away for years.

Age gaps for this story

Y/N-21

Conrad-19

Jeremiah, Steven- 17

Belly-16

Liam (Y/N’s brother)- 16

Summer at Cousins was always your safe space. It was an escape from things back at home, your parents always arguing, you having to protect your younger brother Liam from all that chaos. Liam is the same age as Belly, and you are two years older than Conrad. Each summer felt like a fairytale, like something that was too good to be true. Until that night changed summer and Cousins for you all together.

It’s been three weeks since Susannah’s passing. It breaks you that you couldn’t go to her funeral. You had talked to her the week before she passed away. Only she knew why you drifted away from your friends and her boys. You two used to meet up at a small town by Cousins to talk and catch up. When her cancer came back you used to visit her often, when everyone was out of the house she would call you knowing you’d come at any time of the day. She even has a painting of you hidden underneath her bed.

You know that everyone is mad at you. After all, you disappeared on everyone except Susannah. Haven’t texted or called back anyone. You made sure no one at Cousins saw whenever Susannah needed you in the house. It was easier for everyone. At the moment it’s what was best for everyone.

Flashback (One month ago)

Susannah just called for me to go over in an hour, I decided to stop by and get her this amazing lemonade we used to drink at the restaurant we used to visit to catch up. She had mentioned that the door would be unlocked. As soon as I go in there she is in her bed tied up to who knows what. I told myself I wouldn’t cry but when I felt her weak yet warm arms around me I broke down. “Hey my baby queen, I’m still here, it’s okay.” She told me as I moved to the side of her bed. “Can you drink any fluids?” I ask her. The last time I brought her a muffin her body could not break down solids anymore. She smiles looking down to you. “What did you get me?” I pull up the lemonade cup. “Heck yes I can have yummy fluids!!” She says as I put the straw up to her so she can have a few zips. As I put the cup down you feel her staring at me. “What? I don’t want you to hurt yourself for some lemonade. I'll give you some more in a bit.” I say as I laugh at her. “Come here.” She says making a little space on the bed for me to sit. “ Look Queenie, last time you were here, one of the boys saw you.” I suddenly felt my heart sink down to my stomach, as I felt my heartbeat out of your chest. Susannah reaches to hold your hand “Breathe baby, it’s okay, they didn’t hear anything we talked about. He just really misses you.” Truth is I have been struggling with my mental health since I was young. It started with panic attacks. Susannah was the one that helped me through my first panic attack. I lightly squeezed her hand. “ I’m okay, I’m okay” I tell her.

“He really wants to see you. He’s not far from here.” I don’t know if it’s Jeremiah, but I do prefer Jere over seeing Conrad right now. Before I decided to leave, me and Conrad had a huge fight. “Is it Jeremiah?” I ask her. “ Of course it is.” She says reaching for her phone. “Jere, I’m okay hun don’t worry, she’s okay with seeing you.” The fact that she didn’t have to explain who “she” is makes me wonder how much he pestered her about seeing me.

*Flashback over*

Without going into detail you managed to tell Jeremiah that you were struggling with some things that you needed to take care of by yourself. He gave you an invitation to his graduation. The last time you saw Susannah you had a terrible panic attack, you had to stay in the hospital given your history. After not attending Susannah’s funeral you weren’t sure if he was upset with you again or not. You would understand if he was. You decided to sit away from anyone possibly seeing you. When all of the guests leave you wait behind to look for Jeremiah amongst the graduates. You didn’t even have to call him as soon as his eyes landed on you, you could feel it. He slowly walks up to you with tears in his eyes. “You know when my mom told me that you might disappear again. I didn’t think that meant not coming to her funeral.” He whispers. You bring him into a hug. “This time I’ll tell you what happened. But you have to give me time before I talk to the rest, I’m just not ready for that. Inside my gift I left my number.” You say handing him a gift bag. “When you have time we’ll catch up. I understand if you’re still upset with me right now.” As you walk away from him you hear his voice break down “please don’t push us away anymore.” All you can do is look back at him and give him a small smile. Not knowing that Conrad was watching you leave. As you left the venue everything came flooding back into your mind

Flashback (13 years old)

It was the Fourth of July, Jeremiah, Liam, and Steven were playing in the pool. You were fixing Belly’s hair, adding some cute bows to her Pigtails. She just turned 8, you want to help her as much as possible. “Hey y/n?” She turns up to look at you “what’s up little Belly?” You ask, smiling at her. “How are you so pretty?” Even if you didn’t feel pretty, being with your loved ones always made you forget your insecurities. “The more time you spend with people you love, the more you laugh and smile, the prettier you get.” You tell her as you see her eyes fill with joy. Looking out the window you see the clouds moving faster than usual. It never rains much out here. You see Laurel and Susannah come out “Boys!! Pool Time is over!! We’re getting a thunderstorm tonight.!!” Susannah yells. Your mom was just with Susannah and Laurel, not seeing her you go look for her. “Mom!!” You find her in the living room teary eyed. “Mom!! What’s wrong?” You say lowering your voice, not to worry about the rest. “ Nothing sweetie, your dad is upset I brought you guys here during this storm.” You all work together to make the living room comfy. You see the lights flickering on and off. Laurel has a box full of candles, while Susannah has some blankets. The boys help your mom move the living room furniture to the side. You and Belly lay the blankets and fall flat to the floor laughing, Now you all have space for everyone to sit down and sleep during the storm. As expected the lights went out.

As you were drifting to sleep you heard yelling. “I told you it would rain. But you never listen. You brought the kids next to an OCEAN. During a thunderstorm.” You already recognized your dads voice. “Michael, calm down. I thought you were lying about the rain just so we didn’t come here this summer.” You see your parents walk out while it’s still storming “Mom!! Dad!!” You see your dad slap your mom before anyone else walks out of the house. “Put my children in danger again, against my orders I’ll make sure you lose custody after this divorce.” Your dad sees you in the corner of his eye and tries to calm your mom down. “Look I didn’t mean to hit you. Let’s go home.” Your mom, scared, steps away from your dad. “Do NOT come any closer to me.” She warns him. And suddenly in slow motion you freeze. You see your dad step closer to your mom, and headlights coming closer to them. You try to run but Conrad and Steven hold you back.

*Flashback over*

After that day you lived with Susannah and her boys. Lost your mother at 13, and your dad afraid to go to court over anything left and never came back. Each summer you would go to art camp or volunteer at a Daycare. So that you would never go spend another summer at Cousins. Back in Boston you kept yourself busy and away from others. Even found an after school Job when you turned 16 so that you didn’t have to eat dinner with the rest. But Susannah always kept you company. After you turned 19 Susannah helped you get and apartment near a small art school you always wanted to attend. You’ve been living this routine away from your loved ones for a while now.

[cinnamoodles]

🍾 — bubbly soda with steven Conklin?

we love stevie

ynssupersecretspamm

DEB BALL DATE ( we’re getting drunk ) 🪩

bellyball AYYY that’s my girl (and my brother but we won’t cheer for him)

-> sconklin05 you’re actually stupid belly

-> bellyball this is sibling abuse im reporting you

-> connonball you guys are so immature

-> ynssupersecretspamm but you love us ofc

-> jerebearr he only loves belly actually

-> bellyball aww ly too con

-> sconklin05 he fainted lmao

ynssupersecretspamm

predeb (ft. stevie reading ) @sconklin05 @connonball @bellyball

jerebearr nERDDDDD

-> ynssupersecretspamm the boy goes to princeton ofc he’s a nerd

-> sconklin05 not you too babe?

-> jerebearr ooh are we in babe territory now??

-> ynssupersecretspamm literally k!ll yourself jere

-> i.am.tay ur so mean @ynssupersecretspamm

connonball we look so good stevia

-> sconklin05 darling i know you’re a health nut but you can still call people sweetheart

-> bellyball darling?? sweetheart??

-> ynssupersecretspamm we’re not talking ‘bout stevia??

-> jerebearr you guys are more gay than me and i made out with a dude once

yn.yln.06

gentlemen!!

laurelparkwriting.official awww they’re all grown up now :))

-> jerebearr not me??

-> susannahf12 you’re always such a grown up jere

-> jerebearr thx maaa

connonball we’re so awesome @sconklin05

-> sconklin05 thank you darling

-> connonball anytime sweetheart

-> yn.yln.06 don’t start this up bruh!!

sconklin05 looking zesty bros

-> bellyball zesty?? changing ur contact name immediately

-> yn.yln.06 lmaooo changed it to zesty boyfie?

ynssupersecretspamm

we are ballin we are fearless we are boyfie’d up on birthday din

sconklin05 happy birthday darling ❤️

-> ynssupersecretspamm oh so now im darling??

-> bellyball fight fight fight

-> connonball let’s be honest steven would lose he’d just be staring into yn’s eyes and get punched or smn

-> sconklin05 this u?? 👩🤜 👱‍♂️

jerebearr HAPPY BIRTHDAY YN!!!

-> ynssupersecretspamm AWWWW ILYYY TY

-> jerebearr we’re getting so drunk

-> bellyball IM MAKING MY SPECIAL POMMY JUICE

-> sconklin05 spare us please @bellyball

[ghostfacd]

I’M A JEALOUS, JEALOUS, JEALOUS, BOY. | TOM BLYTH

PAIRING. tom blyth x fem!actress!reader

SUMMARY. after gaining massive popularity, you star another show where you have to kiss your co star, which tom isn’t exactly happy about

AUTHOR NOTE. Two posts in one day? Who am I??anyway! This was self indulging because I love Steven Conklin and nobody writes for him 😔 As always, reblogs and comments make me more motivated to continue this series :)

installment of this au | the reader plays fictional character “ella fisher” in tsitp!

Tom wasn’t a jealous guy, at least, he didn’t think so. He was very secure in your relationship, always making sure he didn’t let his emotions get the best of him.

Like when you told him you had gotten the role of Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher’s sister in The Summer I Turned Pretty, and how you were Steven Conklin’s love interest, he congratulated you with a big hug.

He knew who was playing Steven—Sean Kaufman. There was no doubt that Steven was a very charming guy.

“You’re here!” You say giddily, engulfing your boyfriend in a hug when he approached you. “Daisy was just patching up the last of my concealer. Did you get any food?”

Daisy was your makeup artist—and one of the sweetest girls you’ve ever met in your life. She knew the cast pretty well, so when you first got here, she helped break the ice between you and them.

“You know I did,” Tom says, placing the paper bag down on your table. He opened it up, retrieving an iced matcha latte and a poke bowl. You squealed in delight, excited to eat after filming for so long.

“So how was your day?” You say, cheekily grinning at him as you ate your bowl.

“Tiring? I did a photo shoot, it was fun. Then I went home and took a nap, and then I drove to buy you food.”

“Well thank you babe,” you say. “Today was such an exhausting day, so much retakes cause of all the sand. But God do I love this show to death. It’s so much all at once but in a good way, you know?”

“Well I’m just excited to see my girl on the big screen,” Tom smiles, leaning in to give you a kiss on your forehead.

“YN! Time to film again!” The voice of your director calls out, making you shove your bowl into Tom’s hands and rushing over to the cameramen.

Tom carefully places your bowl down, walking over quietly behind the cameras to watch your scene up close.

He watches as you talk to Lola, who plays Belly, about your plans after high school, and how you wanted to apply for Princeton just like Steven. She rolls her eyes, saying how she doesn’t get how you and Steven get along so well.

Later in the scene, you and Sean sit close together in front of a campfire. Tom remembers vividly of you telling him there was a scene between your character and Steven where the two of you would get extremely close. Tom feels his breath hitch when he sees Sean make you laugh. He knows that it’s just acting—that your character and Sean’s character are love interests in the show, and that it means nothing in real life.

But he just feels so weird. His stomach is in knots, and it feels like his mouth is dry.

“You know,” Sean begins, leaning in close to your face. “I know Belly doesn’t want me liking any of her friends, and your brothers would totally kill me if they knew; but you’re making it so hard.”

“Really Steven?” You fake giggle, leaning closer to his touch. “Well they don’t have to know.”

Sean laughs at your comment, his head falling against your shoulder, something that Tom had always done with you.

And then he sees the director cue the cameramen to zoom in, and then there it is. — You and Sean kiss, and Tom feels his feet move away from the scene without even realizing.

“And… cut!” The director says, clapping. “Good job Sean and Y/N! You really captured the tension between Steven and Ella. That’s a wrap!”

You hug Sean afterwards, the two of you laughing about how stupid the kiss must’ve looked but you knew the viewers would eat it up once the episodes aired.

“Where’s that boyfriend of yours?” Gavin asks, suddenly showing up behind you and Sean.

“Gavin!” You say, putting your hand to your chest. “Way to scare a girl to death!”

Gavin laughs, poking at your sides teasingly. “Just kidding, I know where he is. Stormed off where Lola and Christopher are standing.”

“Storm off?” You say, confused.

“Seems like lover boy wasn’t too keen on you kissing our Sean over here.”

You quickly make your way towards where Lola and Christopher were standing, and just like Gavin had said, Tom was standing behind them. He didn’t look too happy.

“What’s wrong?” You ask, pulling the boy away for some privacy.

“It’s nothing.”

“Oh c’mon,” you scoff. “It can’t be nothing. Gavin said you stormed off earlier.”

Tom sighs, clearly wanting to drop the topic. But one look into your genuine concerned eyes makes him crack.

“I was jealous.” He admits, biting his lip back in embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

You bite back a smile, arms linking with his. “Awe babe, it’s okay. Just acting. Just like how you kissed Rachel in the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Yeah,” Tom sighs, bringing your body close to his. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have felt that way.”

“It’s okay,” you reassure him, smiling brightly. “Feeling jealous is bound to happen with our job, as long as we communicate about it, everything will be fine.” You hug his side, snuggling your face into his coat. “Plus, you know Sean has a girlfriend, right?”

“What?” Tom seems baffled, but he quickly covers it up. “No, yeah, I knew that.”

“Uh huh,” you tease, “don’t worry Tom, I love you the most.”

He leans down, making eye contact with you. “Well I sure hope so, because I love you the most as well.”

And everything was perfect until Gavin lets out a fake barf, telling the two of you to “get a room”.

“Oh get out of here Gav!” You say, shooing him away.

“Yeah Gavin, let the couple have their moment!”

That makes everyone laugh, and you swore you never felt happier than you did right now.

[swanhaze]

ON THE BEACH — conrad fisher x reader

warnings: alcohol, swearing, yn is a mess, miscommunication, angst, slight hurt comfort

she stumbled through the sweaty bodies of people, her mind spiraling, the bottle of alcohol feeling heavy in her hand, this past year has been rough for yn, the love of her life dating her best friend, losing the house that she spent all her summers in, the women who was like her second mother dying.

it was bound to happen but it didn’t hurt any less, just like yn finding a full bottle of alcohol on the table and picking it up was bound to happen, hurt people do that sometimes.

the night air hits her when she walked out party, this was exactly what she needed, the late night breeze to bath her and wash away all her stress and hurt.

she lets out a sigh, closing her eyes feeling at peace for second, but that was interrupted when she opened her eyes to see two fishers and a conklin looking at her with not the best looking facial expressions.

“what happened?” she asks, her words slurring together, a product of the amount of alcohol that she’s had in the past hours.

there’s silence for a couple seconds that felt like hours, the six eyes of the three people looking at her in concern, it was obvious that she wasn’t it the right state of mind to be telling her this, especially when yn loved the beach house so much and losing it has been doing a toll on her.

the conklin girl is the first to speak up, “nothing, yn.” she says softly, trying her best to shake up yn, lately anything she says to yn angered the girl lately, it’s not like belly could blame her though.

yn stumbled down the steps, grabbing onto to jeremiah’s shoulder to stabilize herself, “it doesn’t seem like nothing.” she says, bringing the bottle to her lips.

she feels his eyes on her, the older fisher, but her clouded mind tries to ignore it, she can’t be weak.

“it’s nothing I promise.” belly says inching closer to her best friend hesitantly, are they even best friends anymore?, “hey, maybe you should take a break from the drinks.” she says raising her hand to take the already half way done bottle from yn.

yn brings her hand that holds the bottle away from belly’s reach, scowling at the girl, “why?” she asks, “don’t act like you’re a saint Isabel, that’s never gotten drunk before.” yn says implying to last summer.

the taller girl squeezed her eyes before opening them again, “that’s not what I’m saying.”

“that’s exactly what you’re saying.” yn says moving away from jeremiah’s shoulder, she knew that wasn’t what belly was saying, but her drunken mind wanted to pick a fight, something she couldn’t do all year, because she was pretending to be fine.

“because you’re belly conklin.” yn says tauntingly, “the girl that can’t do no harm, the saint that everyone loves, give it up for belly conklin everybody!” yn yells unexpectedly grabbing some attention of some of the people around them, they get waved off by conrad.

Jeremiah puts his hand on yn’s shoulder but she shrugs him off, “but you know who should be called the saint?” she asks sarcastically walking closer to the other girl, “me.” she points to her own chest. “because I never would’ve did what you did to me belly.” yn says tearfully, the hurt from the past year fills yn’s head as she tilts her head back to keep her tears at bay, “I would’ve never done that to you.”

“yn.” his voice fills her ears, a sense of concern is in his tone, it makes her feel weak, something that she never wants to be, but look at her now, drunk and almost in tears.

“what are you talking about yn?” Jeremiah cuts his brother off, but he knows what she’s talking about, everyone knows, all except conrad.

“nothing.” she says mocking the words that were said to her not to long ago, she then smiles her emotions doing a 360, “who cares, let’s have fun guys!” she exclaims, trying her best to take their minds off of the vulnerability that she just showed. “it’s a party!”

conrad finally inches closer to her, trying his best to take the bottle out of the intoxicated girl’s hands, “yn, belly’s right let’s take a break from the drink.”

she pushes his hand away, “no.” she whines stubbornly, backing away from him.

yn brings the bottle up to the sky and smiles, “let’s make a toast guys.” she says stumbling backwards, Jeremiah’s hand finding it’s way to her back immediately.

“let’s make a toast to…” she trails off looking up in thought, before her smile becomes bigger, “a toast to losing the beach house.” she jeered.

belly and jeremiah’s face fall even more if that’s possible at the girls words, conrad shaking his head disappointedly, disappointed that you would say that and even more disappointed that you let yourself get to this state.

she brings the bottle conrad’s face, only for it to be pushed away and she gives him a fake pout, “no toast?” she asks tauntingly.

“suite yourself.” she says brining to bottle to her lips.

she drunkenly walked away and yells out, “you guys are so boring!”, she takes another sip, “I’m going for a late night swim.”

the three watch her figure disappear into the night, “late night swim?” conrad whispers to himself in confusion.

her throat burns as she stumbles through the sand, heading towards the water that replicates a black hole, ready to suck her in.

she take of last big gulp of the alcohol before letting herself lay in the ocean, letting it take her away, only the sound of the waves filling her ears.

she finally feels at peace, she closes her eyes and lets all the hurt, stress and sorrow release from her, the waves wrapping around her like a cozy blanket, cradling her like how susannah would.

just as yn thought she had some peace, she feels herself being pulling from her blanket that is the waves and into the air, “what the hell yn!”

she’s thrown over the persons shoulder and out the water, she already knows who it is, and it’s makes her angry.

“let go of me!” she screams hitting his back repeatedly as he walks out the water, “you asshole!”

she feels herself being thrown on the sand and looks up at the oldest fisher, “why did you do that?” she demands.

“why did I do that?” he asks in shock, before pointing to the ocean behind him, “yn, you could’ve died! I just saved you.”

“I didn’t ask to be saved.” she said stubbornly as she got off the sand and stood up.

“what’s your problem?” he says, it sounds like he’s completely fed up.

“what do you mean?”

“wha-what do I mean?” he asks walking closer to the shorter girl, “yn you’ve been acting different since last summer, all you’ve done is ignore me and if you’re not ignoring me you’re giving snarky marks, you’ve been a brat all year.” he says pointing at her accusingly.

“I have not been a brat!” she raises her voice defensively.

“yes you have!” he yells back leaning down to her face.

“even if I was being a brat I have every right to be!”

“really yn?” he laughs sarcastically, “really? what’s your right for acting like a fucking brat.”

“-because I’m hurt!” she yells over him, pointing at her self, “I’m hurt that you would date my best friend knowing that I was in love with you!” a nasty sob is finding it’s way up her throat, everything that she’s pushed down from the last year finding it’s way up.

he inches closer to her, he looks at her like she spoke another language , she’s in love with him? “what are you talking about?” his voice is shaking, his hands are shaking.

“don’t make me repeat it.” she whimpers, this is what she was afraid off, she lets something out and she can’t stop.

“you’re in love with me?”

“why are you acting like you don’t know?”

“because I did’n-!”

“you didn’t know?! are you serious conrad?” she yells over his yells, “do you take me for an idiot? everyone knows, steven knew, jer knew, taylor knew, shayla knew, your mom knew, belly and steven’s mom knew, my mom knew!”

yn lets out a shaky breath, “belly knew.” she says letting a small cry out, she still can’t believe that her best friend would do that to her. “everyone knew conrad, you had to know!”

he shakes his head repeatedly, bringing her face closer to his chest, “I didn’t know.” he whimpers and repeats himself about ten times as she sobs into his chest. “do you know how hard it was to watch you two? so shameless, it felt like you didn’t care for my feelings at all.” she cries turning her face away, but he cups her face in his hands and turns her to face him.

“I’m so sorry yn, I didn’t know.” he says letting his thumbs wipe her cheeks, “this changes everything..” he trails off, “if I knew I would’ve…”

“you would’ve what!” she cuts him off, pulling away from his grasp.

“yeah you would’ve what conrad?!”

both conrad and yn snap their heads in the direction of the familiar voice.

belly stands in the sand her orange outfit making her stand out, she doesn’t look at yn, knowing she’ll cry if she looks at her broken best friend, “you would’ve what conrad?”

“belly…” he trails off.

“no,no you would’ve what? you would’ve dated yn?” she asks walking closer to the two.

“don’t do that…”

“no,no, you would’ve what? you would’ve dated her?”

“yes, I would’ve!”

belly and yn flinch at his outburst, he would’ve what? “and you would’ve never forgotten her corsage too right?”

yn shakes her head trying her beast to wrap her head around what just came out, the man that she’s been in love with her whole life’s mouth. “I… I need to go..” she says stumbling away from belly and conrad.

“wait yn!” conrad exclaimed reaching out for her.

“I’m sorry.” she says walking away, “I can’t right now… I’m tired.” she then walks into the night leaving her best friend and the love of her life in the beach.

[darkeralmond]

reader x conrad fisher where she/yn is belly’s bff and has been coming with them to cousins for the past couple summers.. one summer things change between yn and conrad and they kiss on the last night but she says they can’t (obviously bcos she knows how belly feels about him) next summer tho she gives in and they start secretly dating/hooking up and then belly finds out — v angsty with maybe some smut 💗

by far one of my favorite requests, anon! thank u sm for the request!! i love u sm!! ❤️❤️

Dead To Me

Conrad x fem! Reader

synopsis: conrad confessed the y/n last summer about how much he liked her, but y/n told him that they couldn’t date. this summer, the night when belly goes out with cam to a drive in movie, y/n finally decides she wants to be with conrad but only in secret. when y/n and conrad are getting hot and heavy at nicole’s party, belly walks in…

warnings: 18+, underage drinking, light smut, vulgar language, y/n playing the victim, angst

word count: 2.7k

a/n: i got a bit carried away, but this shit was SO FUN TO WRITE OML!! I laughed, I loved, and I cried when writing this. thank u sm anon for suggested this, I think this is one of the best works I’ve written in a while.

masterlist | request info

Cam parked in front of the house and looked over at Belly before glancing back at you. “You girls ready?” he asked with a smile on his face.

Belly turned back to you and nodded her head confidently. “Let’s go,” she said. You hopped out of the backseat and linked arms with Belly. Cam the two of you like a lost puppy as you and Belly both strutted into the house confidently. You held your chin up high as you walked up through the front door.

Loud music blared from the speakers when the three of you entered. There were people everywhere drinking and getting high. “Belly!” a girl called out to her. She ran up to Belly and hugged her tightly while squealing.

Seeing how happy Belly was with this other girl sparked jealousy in you. It made it seem like she’d be fine without you. Belly then let go and turned to you. “Y/N, this is Nicole! She’s my older deb sister!”

Nicole. You knew that name. It was the name of the girl Conrad took to the deb ball previously. “Hi,” you faked a smile. You spoke in a honeyed voice to throw Belly and Nicole off.

“Y/N! I’ve heard so much about you!” Nicole held out her hand to shake. You hesitantly took it and gave it a firm shake before quickly letting go. Something about her seemed fake, and you weren’t saying that only because of her association with Conrad. “Let’s go get some cake!” She grabbed Belly’s hand and dragged her off, leaving you standing alone.

“Well, great,” you muttered to yourself as you looked around for anyone to talk to. Jeremiah was on the couch flirting to some guy you didn’t know and Steven was just running around getting drunk. Your blood boiled as the feeling of loneliness settled in.

You needed a drink to wash away this feeling of anger. You slivered through everyone, making a beeline to the kitchen to find any sort of alcohol. Your eyes landed on the Pink Whiteley bottle on the counter. Something to wash it all away. You popped the bottle open and poured it into a red solo cup. You then started sipping on it while examining the people in the kitchen.

That’s when you met his gaze from across the room. He drank out of a beer bottle while staring at you. You wouldn’t… not with him. Not on Belly’s birthday. But Belky was occupied with her other friends, she wouldn’t notice if you disappeared.

Your eyes shot a look over to the stairs as you jerked your head over. He caught your gist and immediately stopped his conversation with the group he was talking to.

You couldn’t hear what he said to them, the word you could read off his lips was “bathroom”. You then snuck through the crowd and up the stairs. A minute or two later, he ran up the stairs to meet you at the top.

LAST SUMMER

You sat on the beach next to Conrad as the two of you stared out at the waves. “What’s it like…?” you asked, looking over at him.

He chuckled, “What’s what like?”

“You know… sophomore year.” You had been pretty nervous for your sophomore year, it was all you and Belly had talked about this summer. “Everyone says it’s way harder than freshman year and I’m really nervous.”

“Oh,” he smiled. He looked over at you, something about his blue eyes made your heart flutter. No, stop. This was your best friend’s crush. “Nah, it’s pretty much the same. Just have to take a couple APs and a few state tests.” He placed his hand on yours as he said, “You’ll be fine. You’re smart enough to make good decisions.”

Conrad then squeezed your hands. You felt a surge of electricity run up your arm and straight to your chest. You never realized how badly you wanted to hold his hand until now.

As the two of you sat there you thought about how wrong this felt. You had always felt this way about Conrad, you had always wanted to tell Belly, but she beat you to it. He always managed to give you an amazing feeling that you had to deny. Belly suggested you should get with Jeremiah since she thought he would be perfect for you, but you didn’t want to.

You always thought about Conrad. You thought about how cute he was, but it wasn’t just his cuteness either. Conrad really knew what he did and was confident in himself in ways no one ever had before.

“Y/N, can I tell you something?” he scooted closer to you to the point where your shoulders touched.

You froze, “Uh, sure.”

Conrad sighed softly and leaned toward you, his breath tickling your ear. His words sent shivers down your spine. They sounded almost seductive. “I like you. Like, I think about you constantly. Like, sometimes I dream about you when I’m awake. Like, all the time.” He pulled away and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Sorry if that was weird, I don’t normally say things like that.”

The world fell silent around you. Even though there was nothing but crashing waves, the air felt charged. You looked down to where your feet were buried in the cool early morning sand. You could feel the warm blush spread over your cheeks. You bit your lip nervously.

“I really like you too,” you finally breathed out. “But we can’t be together.” You couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. Not when you knew what kind of expression he was giving you. If you glanced up right now you would make you feel even more guilty.

“What do you mean?” he sounded confused. Obviously he was, he probably didn’t know rejection like this. That’s if you could even consider your answer rejection.

“Belly…”  you swallowed, your mouth feeling incredibly dry. The words stuck in your throat. Your thoughts raced, trying to conjure the sentence together. “She…she likes you. She’s liked you ever since she was 10. I can’t do this to her. It’ll hurt her”

Conrad was quiet for a moment. “I don’t care about that, I care about you, Y/N.” Your heart sank. “I want to at least try.”

There was another long pause. You felt the tension build between you. “No,” you whispered softly. “I don’t think we should.” You didn’t want to hurt Belly. You just felt so conflicted about this whole thing. You stood up, your hand fell out of his. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this to her.”

You walked back to the beach house, taking long and quick steps. He called your name repeatedly, but you didn’t listen. You were a better friend than that.

THE BEGINNING OF THIS SUMMER

“Y/N,” Belly said as she walked into your guys’ shared bedroom. “I need to tell you something.”

You looked up at her while taking a sip of your Coke. “What?” You placed the can down on the nightstand, kicking your feet as they hung off the bed.

She plopped down next to you and put her hands on your thigh. “Well,” she had an enlarged smile on her face as her cheeks flushed red. “You remember Cam, right?” You nodded your head which warranted her to say, “He asked me out on a date!”

You gasped, grabbing her hands quickly as you turned your body to face her. “Oh, my God!” The two of you squealed and bounced with joy. “Belly, this is huge! Your first date!”

Her eyes sparkled happily as she gushed about her date. Her excitement was contagious; you also couldn't stop smiling. “Yeah! I need you to help me pick out an outfit for tonight.”

Your smile then faded a bit, “Wait, date tonight? Bells, who am I gonna hang out with?”

She shrugged, “You can hang out with the boys while I’m gone. I think conrad’s staying in..”

Right, she doesn’t know. You sighed, looking away from her. You were on the fence of telling her about what happened last summer, but you couldn’t. Not when she was this happy.

You took a deep breath in and met her gaze again. “Alright, but you have to promise you’ll tell me everything when you get back.” You grabbed her shoulders and shook them excitedly.

“Ok, ok.” She laughed as she got up. “Now, help me pick something out!”

Later that night, you laid on her bed. She still wasn’t back and you were feeling lonely. Not just because Belly wasn’t here, but you wanted to be with Conrad. You had since last summer, you knew it was the right time to finally do so. Belly had a crush on someone who wasn’t Conrad. You knew what you had to do…

You had to talk to Conrad.

You rolled out of her bed and snuck down the hall to his bedroom. The rooms felt closer than usual as you lunged for his room. You held your fist up to knock, but you froze. You couldn’t move anything. There was an invisible force holding you in place. It felt like you were being held against your will.

The door swung open and there stood Conrad in front of you. He looked a little bit disheveled. His hair had fallen down, covering some of his face. “Oh, hey,” he said while looking down at you, running his fingers through his hair in an effort to fix it.  “Did you… uh… need something?” he stepped aside and motioned for you to come into his room.

“Yeah actually,” you replied quietly as you followed him in. He went over to his bed where he sat down, tuning his guitar. You sat down in the rolly chair by his desk and patted your hands against your thighs. After a few minutes, you cleared your throat. “Listen, I wanted to talk about last Summer.”

Conrad looked up from his guitar for a second. “Sure. What about it?”

You bit your lip nervously. “I think we should do it.”

His head snapped up. “What?”

“Belly’s going out with Cam now and she’s lost interest in you,”  you spoke slowly, unsure of where this conversation was headed. “And, well, I like the idea of being together.”

A nervous grin spread across his lips. “So we can do it?”

You nodded, “Yeah. We can do it, but only in secret.”

He smiled brightly, leaning his guitar against the wall. “Are you sure?” He asked, staring into your eyes intently.

“Positive,” you answered.

PRESENT

He lifted you by your waist onto the dresser before placing his lips on yours passionately. You felt every muscle in your stomach twitch. He kissed you deeply, making sure to pull you closer to him. As his fingers brushed against your chest, you gasped lightly.

Part of you felt guilty for hooking up with Conrad while Belly was just downstairs. Part of you felt angry for the way Belly ditched you to hang out with her “better friends”. Part of you felt scared that Belly would catch you two in the act of hooking up. Part of you liked the adrenaline that came from hooking up in secret. It made things more exciting between you and Conrad, and it sure as hell created more sexual tension.

As you pressed yourself closer to him, your hands found their way under his shirt. His skin was smooth and tanned. He hummed against your lips as your hands traced his skin.

He pulled away and quickly locked his lips onto your chin, leading down to your neck. His tongue trailed along it as he sucked lightly on a spot. You let out a small moan at the sensation. A shiver ran down your spine at his touch. You ran your fingers through his silk hair as he began to suck harder at your skin.

“Conrad…” you moaned, running your fingers through his hair again. He growled low. “Please,” you begged as you tugged gently at his hair. You tried to take control of the situation, but he wouldn’t let you. Instead, he took over.

You felt your mind slip into darkness for a few moments as you felt him press kisses to the side of your neck. His hands then moved to your breasts, caressing them gently. Your body jolted at the unexpected pleasure.

His hands were warm against your skin as they rubbed up and down the sides of your breasts slowly. His breath huffed against your neck as he began sucking hard. His teeth lightly grazed the skin causing your entire body to shake.

“What the fuck?” a voice yelled. You opened your eyes as Conrad quickly let go of you. Belly stood there with her mouth wide open, her eyebrows lowered as she stared at you two. “Y/N, are you fucking serious?!”

Conrad was frozen in fear. “Belly, let me explain!” You quickly hopped off the counter and approached her.

“You’re hooking up with Conrad?!” she yelled.

Conrad glanced down at you, “I think I should…”

“No! You’re staying right there!” She pointed at him as she cut him off. “Y/N, were you going to tell me?”

“I-I wanted to tell you earlier, but you were too happy talking about Cam,” you stuttered. “I didn’t want to hurt you by telling you!”

She scoffed, “You wanna know what hurts? You hooking up with Conrad to begin with!”

Your jaw tightened as you glared at her. “It shouldn’t matter now! You’re gonna end up dating Cam anyways!” You were starting to get upset as she stood in front of you with her arms crossed.

Her eyebrows raised in anger. “Don’t bring Cam into this! You know exactly why I don’t want you hooking up with Conrad.” She stared at you as she saw your expression turn even more guilty.

She noticed as Conrad turned his attention away from her. “You fucking told him, didn’t you?” You stayed silent, just staring at her. She scoffed, “Of course you did.” She let in a long inhale, she was on the verge of tears.

She shook her head as she paced around the room. You had never seen her this hurt before, you didn’t know how to react. She took in a long inhale. “How long…?” She turned to face you. “How long have you been hooking up?”

You frowned, “We started hooking up the night you left with Cam...”

She walked toward you while grasping onto her hair like she could pull it out. “Is this some kind of sick joke?!” Her voice cracked at the end as her fists clenched at her sides. “Why?! Why would you do this to me?!”

You flinched. “I like him, Belly. He likes me.”

“Oh yeah?” She was crying now, from a mixture of sadness or anger. “You’re dead to me…” She made her way to the door to leave.

“Belly,” you called out to her. “You don’t mean that…”

Her eyes flickered back towards you, “We both know I fucking mean it.” She turned and slammed the bedroom door shut.

You stood there, tears falling down your face as you turned to face Conrad. You could see the hurt and regret in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped himself. He seemed hesitant to say anything.

When he finally decided to speak, he sounded almost ashamed. “This wasn’t my intention.” He looked away from you then.

You walked up to him and hugged him tightly. “I know…” You sighed, “Belly’s just heart broken.” You cried harder, “I’m such a bad friend!”

“Don’t say that” His arms snaked themselves around your waist as you buried your face in his shoulder. “I hate that this is how she finds out about us.”

“Me too,” you sobbed. This whole thing was a mistake. Not telling Belly was a mistake. You should’ve just been honest. Conrad rubbed his hand up and down your back as you cried. “I wanna go home…”

“I can drive you back to the beach house,” Conrad suggested.

“No,” you looked up at him. “I want to go home.”

[mvltisstuff]

can you do a conrad x reader and he meets yn at one of his moms chemo sessions- yn being a cancer patient- always sitting with susannah because she’s always wanted a mother figure so she starts spending time at the beach house and conrad falls for her pls!!

electric touch - c.f

summary: request

conrad fisher x reader

a/n: wanted to get this right for you, hope you enjoy <3

when susannah was first diagnosed, she went through extensive amounts of treatment to try and beat the cruel disease. luckily, it eventually faded and left her alone. she was able to get more time with her boys, feeling strong in her ability to fight it off. only until it returned, but she fought through one more summer with her boys.

while she was in chemotherapy, she met a girl. her name was y/n and she had been diagnosed with her own cancer. susannah’s heart broke every single time she saw y/n. she was so young, and no one ever deserves to be put through that hell. when y/n was sat next to susannah for a treatment, they connected. she felt something with the girl, maybe her being so close in age to her boys. she can’t imagine not being there for them.

“i’m susannah,” she smiles gracefully at y/n who returned her own grin.

“i’m y/n,” she told. “it’s nice to meet you.”

susannah admired her positivity. it’s hard to be so optimistic in this situation and the room, surrounded by people who are held down by a vicious force of nature.

“you have a beautiful smile,” y/n said to susannah, causing her to awe at her and completely adore her. every time treatments came around again, y/n sat with susannah. they always wanted to sit with each other, sharing funny stories and eating the hospital popsicles.

“are you from massachusetts?” susannah asked.

“yeah, i’ve been here my whole life,” y/n said, taking a lick of her popsicle. “i’m here with my dad, my mom moved away. she’s not really a part of anything anymore.”

“does she know you’re sick?”

“yeah, she knows,” y/n’s expression changed so sadness. “there’s nothing she can do, you know?”

“i’m sorry, sweetie.”

“it’s ok,” y/n replied. “i’m glad you’re here, though.”

susannah beamed back at her, almost forgetting the situation they were in. y/n’s personality completely shined when she was with susannah. she was almost like her own mother, supporting her and being there for the good and bad news. y/n was there for susannah every day, doing random activities and just gossiping about. they eventually discovered that both of them usually spent summers in cousins beach, and they hoped they would see each other there.

susannah had finally been cleared, her cancer going away as she continued to live her wonderful life. she saw her boys every day, something to never take for granted. she thought about y/n a lot, messaging her on facebook to see her condition. soon after, y/n had pushed through her own battle, and she was cancer free. that summer, she swore would be the best of her life.

cousins was a great place. it was relaxing, it was an escape from all the chaos and haunting memories of her sickness. she felt like a kid again in cousins, she was happier than ever there. susannah was basically her mother at this point, talking to her more than her biological mother does. she was kind of like her best friend, the only one who truly understands how it is sometimes.

susannah had wanted to take conrad and jeremiah shopping, and she had laurel and her kids come too. they were all messing around in little gift shops, finding cute outfits for each other and susannah spoiling all of them. when she walked into a little boutique with stylish items for everyone, she could tell by the back of y/n that it was her. she was browsing around the comfortable cousins merchandise, feeling the soft fabrics and letters on the hoodies. y/n eventually turned around, locking eyes with susannah.

“y/n!” susannah shouted. “you look so beautiful!”

y/n reached in for a hug, holding susannah in her arms as susannah almost cried in happiness. “you look so pretty, susannah.”

“i’m so happy to see you! i was hoping we would bump into each other, but you look like you’re doing really well!” susannah placed a hand on her cheek.

“i feel good!” y/n added, holding onto her hand as she ran her fingers through her growing hair, just touching her shoulders now. “how are you, though, it’s been so long since i’ve seen you in person.”

“i know, it’s been a crazy year, but- oh!” she turns around to her boys, pulling them to her side. “these are my sons, conrad and jeremiah.”

she looks at jeremiah who has the same, bright smile on his face as his mother. he waves lightly, making y/n feel comfortable in him, like an old friend. when she looks at conrad, he’s slightly more smirky than jeremiah. he’s fully admiring y/n, hearing so much about her and finally meeting her. he never knew she was so gorgeous, wondering why his mom never told him.

when she held eye contact with conrad, y/n could sense herself getting more and more nervous. the back of her neck got hot and she wanted to make sure she looked good. conrad was really cute, and there was no denying that.

“this is my best friend, laurel and her kids,” y/n waved hello to belly and steven, who looked kind and lovely. belly was thrilled, hopefully being able to make a new friend who has the graciousness of susannah. “oh! you should come to our house tonight! connie and jere can set up the grill!”

y/n looked at the accepting smiles of her new friends. “i’d love to, susannah!”

that night at her own beach house, y/n picked out her best outfit, hoping to secretly impress the boys. she’s been so used to hospitals and staying home that being able to dress up for people felt like a relief. she formed two small braids on the top of her head, letting the rest of her hair down. she picked a pair of shorts and white corset top with small peach-colored flowers. she felt good when she looked in the mirror, confident and pretty. she added a few final pieces of jewelry and walked downstairs with her purse.

“hi, dad,” she said, walking up to her father who was in the kitchen. “i’m going to meet susannah and her family.”

“that’s great!” he replied, voice full of excitement. “i’m meeting up with some friends at the pub, but hey, have a good time, ok? if you need anything at all call me and i’ll bring you anything-“

“dad,” y/n giggles. “i’m fine, you need to have fun tonight, let loose a little?”

“alright, kid. i’ll see you later,” y/n then scurried out the door and into her car, driving anxiously to the fisher house. she was excited to spend some time with her outside of the white, dull walls of the chemo rooms. she hoped that belly and steven would want to be her friend, someone to confide in. the fisher boys looked sweeter than anyone, jeremiah’s bright smile illuminating whatever room he was in and conrad’s personality lightly shining through.

when she walked up to the door, she barely had to knock before susannah pulled the door open. “you’re here! we’re hanging out in the back, come!”

y/n walked through the house, admiring the organized furniture and the aroma of the beach. she glanced at the photos of the families, posing softly with their kids, past and present. she reached the doors to the back patio, seeing everyone all about. “hey, y/n!” jeremiah said, the first to notice that she had walked in.

“y/n!” belly exclaimed. “i’m so glad someone is here to save me from them.”

y/n laughed at her little jokes, noticing the faint stare from conrad as he continued to set up the food for dinner. y/n made her rounds to everyone, chatting up with them before noticing conrad by himself. the rest of them were talking, so y/n stood and walked over to conrad.

“i didn’t realize you were so passionate about cheeseburgers,” y/n grins lightly, getting the same from conrad.

“my mom told me that they better be good,” he said. “she’s very particular about her burgers.”

“ah, i see,” y/n looks back at him, his eyes still on her.

“hey, congrats on being cleared. that’s really awesome,” conrad tells her, making her smile.

“thank you, conrad.”

“you know, we’ve heard a lot about you,” he said. “my mom loves you like a daughter. i’m glad we could finally meet in person, though.”

“i’m really glad i’m here,” conrad can’t seem to pull his eyes away from hers. each detail in her eyes is admired by him, looking at her pretty features and her perfect outfit. her cheeks, her eyes, her lips-

he was pulled directly out of his thoughts when he saw the harsh smoking of one of the burgers, completely burnt. “shit,” he looks, picking the patty up and tossing it out. his eyes are directed to y/n’s face again, holding back a little chuckle. he starts laughing himself, “i hope my mom doesn’t notice.”

once everyones stomachs are full, and they savored the delicious meals from conrad and his mother, laurel gets up and starts a fire in the pit. the warmth of the flames reaches y/n, making her body feel tingly and comforted as she looks at conrad.

he’s sitting back in his chair, hair swooped perfectly out of his face. he has a faint smirk on his mouth, looking at his brother and steven argue about god knows what.

“hold on,” jere speaks. “we should go swimming, what are we doing?”

“i’ll go change!” steven yells, running inside the house to find his swim shorts.

“wanna swim?” conrad asks y/n.

“oh, i didn’t bring a bathing suit,” she informs, her smile dropping slightly.

“you can borrow one of mine!” belly tells her, excitement creeping into her words. “here, come with me.”

y/n takes her hand and jogs up the stairs, going into her room as belly holds up different options. she ends up going for the blue striped one, fitting her perfectly and easy to swim in. she walks out with a towel that she also borrowed, standing next to belly looking into the pool.

“i’m just gonna jump,” y/n says, not bothering to dip her toes in first.

“me too,” belly says, taking a step back as they both jump into the water. the cool pool engulfs y/n’s body, seeing the tiny bubbles around her as she opens her eyes underwater. the quick impact with the water sends a few chills up her spine, feeling the tingling on her skin. the previously calm water was splashing all around her when she came back to the surface. y/n brusher her hair out of her face, looking at the three boys jumping in next to them. she and belly let out playful screams, as steven scooped up his sister and threw her back in.

“volleyball tournament!” belly shouts. “me and y/n vs the guys.”

the boys groan sarcastically, as y/n swims over to one side with belly as the ball is blown up. she starts out hitting it perfectly, belly being surprised. “do you play, y/n?”

“i did a few years ago, but got sick and had to quit,” y/n tells her. sadly having to miss the next few years of her sport.

“oh, y/n, i’m sorry,” belly begins.

“don’t be, really,” y/n says, a polite smile on her face, making belly feel better. “i’m ready now to kick their ass, so c’mon!”

belly grins back at her, serving the ball over to the guys and hitting it back to y/n. when she hits it over to belly, conrad looks at her sweet smile on her face again, blessing conrad’s eyes. he’s so focused on how beautiful she is, and he wants to just worship her. he was so fixated on her that he completely missed the ball coming his way, letting it fall into the pool.

“ah! conrad-“ jeremiah says through gritted teeth, shaking his hands at him. y/n laughs softly before moving to the edge of the pool. the slight fatigue and dizziness made her want to get out to just sit for a few minutes. of course, it didn’t take conrad to notice her absence and her walking out of the pool with a clear grimace.

“y/n, you ok?” he asks, voice full of concern.

“yeah, i’m good,” she says, locking eyes with susannah and laurel. susannah gets up, ready to offer y/n anything she might need. conrad swims to the edge of the pool, pulling himself out and walking toward y/n. susannah brings over a cold bottle of water for y/n.

she sits for a few minutes, consuming the drink susannah gave her and feeling better. she must have been dehydrated, forgetting to drink more water while she was hanging out with everyone. “how are you feeling?” conrad asks.

“i’m fine, now,” y/n smiles up at him. “i just hadn’t drank enough water, that’s all.” conrad pulls up a chair next to her, watching the rest of them play around in the pool.

“does it get scary sometimes? sorry, i know that’s a weird question but-“

“no such thing as a weird question. but, i mean it’s all scary. any small symptom could be related to the cancer i had. it gets easier though, it gets less and less scary the more time goes on.”

“it sucks you had to go through that.”

“yeah, it does. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but i can’t change it. i just don’t want the rest of my life being dictated by it.”

it’s almost difficult for conrad to comprehend how someone can be so bright about things. he’s infatuated by the way she views the world around her. he wishes he could be more like her, wanting to see things in a different light like she was forced to at such a young age. conrad knows she’s someone to be loved, and he knows she needs it. he knows he could be the one to do it.

“you’re a really great person, y/n,” he mumbles out, y/n being able to catch every word.

“you’re a great person, too,” she tells him. “you didn’t have to come over here and waste time with me, but you made sure i was ok.”

“times never wasted with you,” he smirks, looking back at y/n who takes another sip of her water. “what are you doing tomorrow?”

“nothing, that i know of.”

“we should go do something, we can go to the boardwalk if you want.”

“i’d really like that,” y/n beams, giving conrad just more satisfaction. when susannah walks by, she taps conrad on the shoulder and kisses him on the cheek.

“you’re a good boy, connie,” she says, fully proud and praising her kind-hearted son.

[grapejuicestyless]

conrad and fem!reader were bestfriends growing up but they were always in love. (reader is a conklin) they were both in love but they were both so oblivious to each others love (Susannah always knew hehe) I was thinking this could be inspired by ‘back to you’ by selena gomez

basically when susannah dies conrad lashes out on yn and says like the worst thing you can think of but then tries to kiss her and yn is so freaked out that they don’t see each other for years. After yn finishes college everyone reunites at the summer house and Conrad and yn finally realize what’s been right in front of them.

i know this is a lot but your writing is so beautiful especially with Conrad. thank u <3 🙏🏻

Back To You

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Angst to fluff

Summery: The request above^^^ I tried to stay as close to what was requested I hope this is okay! <3

The waves hit the wooden poles underneath our feet in a soft pattern. The thrashing of them shaking the dock just enough that you could feel it rocking. It was calming, breaking the silence that settled between my oldest son and I. Conrad had been off all spring, part of me connected it to his old ex girlfriend breaking it off with him, but that was just what I told myself because the thought that Conrad knew what was going on, something I swore I would keep hidden until it had to be know, made me sick with guilt. How my condition was weighing him down.

I took him out to the old dock just for one on one time. He used to love it out here at night. The way the stars illuminated the sky in their different patterns, the way even with them shifting, the constellations always found their way to stick together in the sky for a few weeks at a time. He loved the feeling of the damp wooden bench beneath his legs and how close we could cuddle up out here. He always loved it just being us.

“What’s going on, Connie?” My words were soft, in no way pushing him to open up any fresh wounds. He seemed wound up, his light dampened. I wanted to figure it out, I wanted to help him. The Conklin’s would be down here by morning and I worried that if left unresolved, it could bubble into a mess.

“Hm?” He acted confused, completely unaware to what I meant. I knew my son better than that though. He was always far too smart to play dumb.

“What’s got you down?” I put on my best smile, trying to squint my eyes to make them as welcoming as I could. My Conrad was never the most open with his feelings. He hated to be vulnerable. He told me once when he was younger that he felt if he was ever truly honest, the words would never be able to have been taken back. By saying things he didn’t say, by pushing people away, it gave him a good distance to build up the courage to make amends again. It gave him the time to choose when he was ready to open up his heart to whoever he wanted. He was always so conscious with things like that. Always thinking things through before doing them. It was funny how much a contrast he was with his feelings compared to Jeremiah. My spontaneous son who had no fears about regretting anything. Using his charm to get his way through life.

Laurel once joked that she believed Conrad’s eyes were so much darker because they held much more fear than Jeremiah’s. He was consumed by it. At the time we laughed, but now I was beginning to believe she was right. Here I was, preparing for a death nobody knew was coming and still, after nearly two decades of fighting and loving, I still was stuck at that distant arms length Conrad held me at.

He ignored the question, looking out to the sky. He knew he could’ve lied to me, could’ve made up something about his old heartbreak. How he was stressed with school. Anything to at least let me be able to give my support, even if it wasn’t in the areas he needed it. Conrad knew me like I knew him, though. Bound not only by blood but by love. There was no great excuse he could make that I wouldn’t pick up on. Mothers know everything, it’s our job.

My hands shook, partly from the cold and half from the disease working it’s way into my system. He shuttered sun my fingers wrapped around his, lips pressing to the back of his hand and my thumb smoothing over his skin to keep it stuck there.

“You don’t have to go through this alone, okay? When you feel like you need to say something, you don’t have to overthink it with me, okay? I’m your mom. I’ll love you no matter what’s going on in that mind of yours.” I saw the way his mouth twitched upward, a faltering smile so weak it was barely there. His eyes shinned in the moonlight, illuminated by the stars and the fireflies zipping by.

“Thank you, Mom.” He was honest then. I knew it by the way he said it. Like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders. He didn’t avoid my gaze, but held it firmly.

He crashed into me like one of the gentle waves into the dock. Arms wrapping around me in the biggest hug he’d given all year to me. His fingers dug into the back of my blouse, holding onto me for dead life in a way. He seemed desperate to be close to me.

A deep sigh left his nose, tickling the skin on my neck and down my back. I almost laughed at the feeling, but held it in to prolong the moment we were sharing. Soon, we would both be leaving whether we liked it or not, it was certain. I hoped that in the attempt to have one last perfect summer, Conrad and I could become closer. That we could all find a sense of happiness.

That sense came a few hours later. A wish being fulfilled without any extra begging. By now the moon was long gone, hiding beneath the horizon, the birds alive and singing. The children playing on nearby beaches and the whooshing of speeding cars passing the driveway.

Each part of the home was set up in the way I had hand picked it to be. My favorite flowers resting on the mantle and a bowl of the freshest fruits in the center of the kitchen countertops. The air was clean and crisp, blowing through the cracked window over the sink. It was cooling and refreshing, the outsides sounds seeping into the calm quiet of the house.

“They’re here!” My youngest shouted, heavy elephant feet stampeding down the stairs in pure excitement. I felt my own feet pick up from under me to jog outside. Summer was beginning.

The familiar silver car sat parked out by the bushes in the front, the engine still cooling and the sound of the car shutting off echoing through the area. The wheels moved from side to side, leaning closer to the ground to help give as the four missing pieces of Cousins announced their arrival.

Steven was the first to let his presence be known. His long, scrawny body stretching up after a long drive, an exaggerated groan becoming dragged out to truly emphasize how long their trip was. Jeremiah barely let him step away from the car before they were messing around, his arms wrapped around Steven in a welcoming hold. Their catching up was loud and joyful, jokes spewing off of their tongues without any extra effort.

Belly and Laurel came next, piling out of opposite sides of the car. Belly had occupied the passengers seat and Laurel the back right one. Both skipped the long stretch and made their way closer to their respected friends.

It was when Belly started making her way over to Jeremiah and Steven, giving an excited wave that I saw just how much she had changed. Her hair was longer, straighter. It fell just below her chest, shiny and thick. Her eyes seemed to sparkle brighter than last summer and her teeth had finally straightened enough to ditch the braces. It seemed like she was the center of attention for everyone because of these changes. Jeremiah swooning, hearts of eyes and Steven choosing to react in pure disgust, their playful teasing died down behind Laurels approaching voice.

“This has been a long time coming.” She sighed contently, arms already wrapping around me, feet in lifting from side to side to away smoothly. My hands rubbed along her back. She pulled away after a moment, observing the area, watching our kids. I saw her eyebrows furrow in confusion, almost like she was sad. I knew what it was.

Even in all this happiness, in all the reuniting and teasing, two very vital people remained missing. Y/n and Conrad.

While Belly and Jeremiah had an unbreakable bond that could carry any room, it never was really complete without Conrad and Y/n. To put it simply, even if Belly and Jeremiah were as great as they could be, Conrad and Y/n were the blueprint. They were the glue. No summer was truly starting until they were doing something irresponsible or stupid. One of them in a coughing fit, the other laughing themselves into one.

My lips drew themselves into a tight lipped smile, eyes finding the sky above. I swallowed. The words were in the tip of my tongue, the confession about what was happening with Conrad. What I believed was happening. I was getting ready to spill my guts about why Conrad wasn’t rushing out here. How he had been off all summer, and it was like he could hear me.

“Conrad!” The car door swung open so fast, I thought it might’ve snapped off with the force of it. It shook the car, slamming even harder than it had opened. The voice, still as sweet as I remember it being, belonged to Y/n.

She looked exasperated, hair a mess, cheeks flushed. Like she’d just woken up from a messy sleep. Her lips were bitten raw, and her shirt hung off her shoulder, unlike Belly’s that fit perfectly. But she was a ray of sunshine. She glowed like the brightest star in the sky. Her smile was infectious, spreading onto my best friend and I’s faces subconsciously. She truly captured the essence of pure happiness, the one I wanted so badly to feel this summer.

Heavy footsteps grew louder and louder behind me until a gust of wind was passed, the footsteps meeting their owner. Conrad, the moody, hurting boy who was completely shut away just hours ago was now running into the arms of his best friend. Of the girl he loved most.

They connected in the middle, the force of it making Y/n squeak. It didn’t stop them from tangling themselves up like they always seemed to do, Conrad’s back bent backwards and Y/n’s feet of the ground. They spun in circles, laughing the entire time. Even being limited to short glances at Conrad’s face while they spun, I could see the light in his face returning. The way his cheeks turned pinker and his eye bags seemed to get less heavy. He would never admit it, but it looked like he had gotten ready for her arrival. He no longer wore a plain grey zip up and old stained sweatpants. He wore Y/n’s favorite blue shirt he owned and matching shorts. She claimed he looked his best in that shirt because it fit him so well. Not too tight, but not too loose. He looked out together enough to go anywhere, but could remain comfortable. She’d even gone so far last summer to say it made him look handsome, something she confessed while drunk, clinging into her best friend and giggling under her breath.

I knew Conrad would never admit he chose the shirt just because he remembered that specific moment, but it was fairly obvious. At least to me. He always had the ability to pinpoint specific events, precise moments that involved something Y/n had done or said. He knew what she hated and what she loved. He put in more effort to make her see him than anyone else I’d ever known. It was endearing to see how much he cared for her.

More than that, it was like a storm had passed, Conrad’s grumpy attitude dissolving into one of pure sunshine and playfulness. He held no fear with her. Everything he did, everything he said, he knew it could be said with confidence. She was the one thing in this world he never felt ashamed to say what he needed to around. The only thing he never shared, his feelings. How he was so in love with her, his summers became dedicated solely to seeing her every second he could.

Secret sleepovers, long bonfire nights and early mornings on the beach. There was not more than a few hours that they weren’t together everyday. It was disappointing to see how he couldn’t share that, as Y/n so clearly felt the same for him.

Her eyes always looking for his face in a crowded room, her hands reaching out to feel he was there constantly. She needed him in more ways anyone could ever need a friend, she showed it, but they somehow always managed to shut down these feelings behind their insecurities of being wrong.

Jeremiah didn’t even get a chance to make his way over to talk with Y/n before she was being led away by his older brother, feet struggling to keep up behind him while he dragged her into the house. The thumping of their feet hitting the stairs sounded through the front door, their laughter and yelling echoing down the hall until his door slammed to a shut. I couldn’t help but laugh, Laurels own giggles stifled underneath mine. It was so obvious how much they cared for each other, yet so frustrating that they never acted on it.

The two of them always chased and chased, no aware that they were both aiming for the same thing. It was sweet to see puppy love like that. One so pure that they couldn’t even admit the feelings they so strongly felt for each other. Something they’d held since childhood, living in complete oblivion since.

The sun was high in the sky, a bright burning ball sizzling it’s mark into all of our skin. I could practically see Conrad’s shoulders peeling beneath its strong rays already. I had warned him to put on a rash guard, knowing he wouldn’t reapply. But he was so excited to catch up to Y/n, my words fell deaf on his ears. She was already out in the water with Belly and Steven, splashing around, laughter echoing as she grabbed what looked like mounds of wet sand from the bottom of the ocean to cover Belly with.

“Connie, you’re going to regret it later.” I had said, all to familiar with the distant sounds of his whining in the middle of the night. Conrad’s back sore and the aloe vera sticking to the warm sheets. But in that moment, the cringe worthy memory seemed to slip his mind as nothing was more important than getting to Y/n. He waved me off, promising to be careful but not really meaning it.

They were out there for hours that day. The waves were calm and the seaweed was relatively clear. The two of them, Y/n and Conrad, spent the perfect conditions submerged so deep into the water that when they reached land again, they complained how their legs felt like jelly. Conrads shoulders were bright red, torched by the beach day. I could see how they ached, just like I had said they would. Y/n’s cheeks and forehead were tinted a harsh red but she seemed completely unaware. Unbothered.

Conrad had pointed out how she had freckles on her face she didn’t have before. It was obvious how he thought she was beautiful, even then. I guess looking back on that memory, it was more clear that even at such a childish age, Conrad somehow always managed to pay the most attention to Y/n. Always the most observant of her tiniest details and mannerisms. Things he hadn’t even thought about in the others.

I didn’t let them sleep upstairs that night. I made sure to proclaim my love to them, but made it known I cherished my sleep more. Really, it was their own fault. Conrad had been warned to take precautions and those were blatantly ignored by the both of them.

I remember this day not because of how great the morning was, the summer breeze blowing in all its glory, but because of how the night had turned out to be.

The clocks hands were just passing the point that separated the late night and early morning. My blankets I had left for the kids spread across the large couch. The blankets were sticking to Conrads back and the aloe was rubbing off with each movement he made. I knew he was trying to muffle his whines, not wanting to be a bother, not wanting to wake his tired mother. I still heard it, and the rolling around became constant listening to the faint complaints from downstairs. It felt impossible to settle down at the time for Conrad, the soft melodic ticking of the kitchen clock only a reminder to how late the night was growing. Of how much time he had left before he was expected to be up and enjoying the day again. I remember feeling hopeless for him, he felt like crying.

It was the soft touch of fingers curling over his biceps carefully that pulled him from his descent into madness and silenced his cries. If it were anyone else, the sudden feeling of skin on skin would’ve scared him, sent him running upstairs into my arms like always. But the sensation was one he knew well. That and the shiny blue nail polish on her nails.

“Conrad, what’s wrong?” Her voice was soft, worrisome. It almost made him feel insecure, stupid in how he was getting ready to enter fourth grade and still couldn’t get over the ache of a stupid sunburn. Conrad should’ve felt pathetic, in his eyes. If it were Belly, or Steven or even Jere, he probably would’ve. But this was Y/n. His best friend! He knew he had nothing to be embarrassed about with her, she would never judge him.

“Is it your sunburn again?” She knew the answer, but always wanted to make sure. All it took was the slow nod of his head for her to lift herself off of the makeshift bed she’d made on the couch, the soft padding of her sock clad feet becoming more distant the farther she went into the house. In that moment, he felt confused, wondering if she was leaving him too. If his whining was even too much for her.

But, no. She came back with more aloe vera. A new bottle from the very back of the fridge. Conrad remembered how gentle she was when putting it on his back for him. It was feathery light, pressure changing depending on how severe the burn was. Even at such a young age, Y/n knew just what Conrad needed to make him feel better. It was like her sixth sense. Conrad had told me that morning, his heart couldn’t help but warm at that idea. That she had a special power just for him. He described it like waking up from a hazy dream.

A realization dawning on him after it had been forming for years. Y/n wasn’t just some girl Conrad enjoyed spending all my time with because she was simply just his best friend, but because deep down he loved her more than that. He knew he always felt something for her. Even when we were toddlers. The way she always shared with him, stuck by his side. At the time, Conrad acted annoyed by her presence, but he always secretly loved having her so close. He babbled about it in his sleep. He would slur how he felt safer, warmer, happier. Even his dumb little fourth grade self could see that those feelings weren’t ones someone had for a best friend. Those were feelings reserved for someone you loved. He knew then that he had always loved Y/n, now was just the first time he confronted those feelings.

When the sun rose, I was met with a goopy mess spilling all over the coffee table and a shiny back and Y/n’s wet hand. I could put the pieces together, but back then, Conrad made sure I didn’t have to.

That morning, while Y/n showered to get ready for the day, he went into depth about what had happened that led to the mess. How he felt, what was happening. At the time, I believed it was merely a small crush that he amounted to true love because he had never felt love before, but the longer I observed the pair, the more obvious it became that my little boy was in love with his best friend.

For Y/n, the day of realization came much later.

I remember the day clearly. Laurel and I had been insisting on a much needed a girls day, folding twenties into Conrad and Y/n’s palms and placing them in charge of the younger siblings of the bunch. Conrad being the oldest Fisher and Y/n the eldest Conklin, it wasn’t unusual that we would place our trust in them, tasking them with the job of keeping everyone in check for a day.

They’d decided to go to the boardwalk, the day too beautiful to not enjoy it. When arriving, the group had agreed to split up and conquer. Conrad would take Belly to the ring toss and Y/n would take Jeremiah and Steven to the go-karts. Everyone would meet back up in two hours for ice-cream and swap groups.

Y/n spent nearly all her money that day on those stupid go-karts. She’d only ridden them once, but Jeremiah and Steven kept begging to go again, again and again. Y/n was always such a softy, despite her confident exterior. Especially when it came to her younger friends. She couldn’t say no to them, they were just too convincing. When they met back up as a group, she complained, having a headache from the loud engines of the ride. She had eight dollars left in her pocket. Conrad had a large smile on his face and a polar bear named, Junior Mint, held loosely in his arms that he’d won after Belly begged him for it.

The looks on their faces made Y/n jealous, in a way. A feeling she knew shouldn’t be feeling when the situation involved her sister and her best friend. Two people she adored more than life itself. But Y/n, no matter how compassionate and understanding as she might be, like the rest of us, can’t control how we feel. We can only control how we reflect them.

“You have fun on the go-karts?” Conrad, who had somehow sensed her bad mood, had made race car sounds with his mouth, holding his arms out in front of him like he was turning a steering wheel in an attempt to lift it. Y/n’s hand hit his chest playfully, feet dragging along the wooden floor beneath their feet.

“The most.” She lied to him then, she wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because she didn’t want him to feel bad for leaving her alone. She wanted him to be able to enjoy his day without having to worry about someone else.

When the time came to pay for their ice cream, it became apparent that the left over eight dollars would not be enough for three of the ice creams. Jeremiah and Steven insisted on getting the largest sizes possible, resulting in a grand total of almost the entire budget. Even if Y/n got a kiddy cup, she wouldn’t have enough to spend for a third cup.

Holding the money in her hands and looking back at the excited boys behind her, Y/n felt responsible to keep them that way. Happy. After all, she was the oldest. It was her job to look after them. To put their happiness above her own. She spent all her money on what they wanted that day, walking over to the table they’d picked over in the shade empty handed, disappointed in the lack of a cold treat to snack on after a long day.

Everyone was sat across from her, the table full of everyone except Conrad, who was ordering for him and Belly. Y/n’s hands became the most interesting thing to her for a brief period of time. The peeling paint on the table a good distraction from her two friends stuffing their faces with something she so desperately wanted.

“One vanilla ice cream cone for Belly!” She heard Conrad’s voice before I saw him. Her younger sisters eyes practically formed into hearts when he placed the dessert in front of her. He continued to announce the order.

“One mint chip for me and…” Conrad slipped a cup of mint chip ice cream in front of her next, the spoon lime green to match the melting treat below her.

“One for Y/n/n!” He sat beside Y/n then, mixing around the green ice cream until it turned into mush. Y/n lifted her eyes from the table to his face. It was stuffed with his own treat, a satisfied smirk directed towards his best friend. Y/n’s mouth was parted open, stuck like that for the longest time. It was only when Conrad had motioned at the ice cream that she realized it was still under the very hot sun, and melting more now.

With a silent whisper of a thank you, Y/n let the gift cool her down. It tasted sweeter knowing it was from Conrad, Y/n had confessed to me that night. Knowing that he cared enough to know how sad she would be to have been the only one without ice cream to finish off a fun afternoon.

He was always so sweet to her, always going out of his way to make sure she was included in everything. He didn’t have to, but he liked too. That’s what made Y/n like him the most. It didn’t matter what was happening, or who was involved. If Y/n was there, Conrad would be stuck to her side like glue, just like she was to him. He had some magic spell over her that no one else could even come close to.

Conrad always had a way to cheer her up, make Y/n feel like the most special person in the world. She never felt ashamed to be my most vulnerable self around him. He made her heart beat faster, her cheeks flush pink. He made Y/n feel pretty, wanted. More than that, Conrad never failed to give her butterflies.

These were all things she could connect with things someone could have with a best friend, someone close to them. She could convince myself as well as herself it was nothing more than that. Conrad was only a friend to her, but she couldn’t lie to herself anymore than she could lie to me.

Deep down, Y/n always knew she loved Conrad differently than everyone else. She could recognize his laugh anywhere, Y/n knew he had a lucky pair of socks and a least favorite pair of underwear. She knew he liked to part his hair down the middle, but how it trailed off to the left the further back it grew because he used to have a side part when he was younger. Y/n knew his glasses gave him a headache and how he didn’t really mind the feeling of sand stuck in his skin after a beach day. These were all things Y/n would’ve never given a second thought about with anyone else, but things her heart held onto like a prayer because it was Conrad.

Slowly but surely, she came to terms with my feelings developed for Conrad, ones I’d known about vaguely for years as the pair grew closer and closer each passing second since Conrad’s own revelations. Only, before, Y/n used to downplay them as a small crush. One she was developing because he was a boy and she was a teenage girl. She believed was supposed to feel like this, it would pass. But it wasn’t, and sometimes it felt to her like it never would. It grew more and more painfully obvious that Y/n’s feelings were so much more than that, and being in that moment then only solidified that fact. Y/n was in love with Conrad Fisher, her best friend, her world.

We were cuddled up on the couch when she talked to me about the day, the way her senses seemed to point overwhelmingly towards Conrad. I could’ve told her then that my son loved her just the same back, and maybe then they would’ve pulled together like a strong magnet, but I wanted them to find each other. They deserved to realize that through their own actions, not mine. So for years after that final confession, I sat here beside my own best friend wondering along with her when they would finally find each other.

“It’s cat and mouse with them every summer.” I sighed, holding my cup of coffee close to my chest. The warmth of the steam coming off of it warmed my skin in the cool July evening.

Laurel laughed beside me, her own mug clutched in her hands as well, we mirrored each other in looking out towards the back yard where Y/n and Conrad ran around in the grass with a deflated football. The smiles on their faces were vibrant, bright. Ones that only came out when they were together. They had that power over each other, to lift each other up. To make the others heart beat fast.

It was as clear as day what our oldest children felt for each other. No amount of deflections or excuses could hide the blush on their cheeks and the way their touches lingered for just a moment longer than friends should. They knew more about each other than anyone else because they cared too much to not know. It was pure and refreshing to see young love like this, even if neither of them knew what they had yet.

“When do you think they’ll realize what they have?” Laurel asked sincerely, her face turning to watch how my expression changed throughout my answer. She usually never played into my ideas, always being the more logical of the two of us, but this was the one thing we could agree on.

“With our luck, never.” We laughed, Laurels head falling to rest on my shoulder affectionately. We let out a synchronized sigh, allowing a beat of silence to pass.

“I’m sure they’ll find their way, they always do.” My hand rubbed my best friends arm in reassurance, my head settling on top of hers. I rested my weight on her, feeling more tired now that the day was ending.

It was almost comical, how ironic the entire situation was. The two oldest, smartest, strongest of the bunch, the ones who, other than Steven, had been the only ones to successfully apply and get into some of the top schools in the country, even with their brains, couldn’t figure out just how badly they wanted each other. Not even when it was dangled right in front of them.

I partially blamed myself. It was me who had ingrained the title, best friends, into their heads. With each time they were spotted together, with everything they set off to do together, I’d always stuck their names together with those two words. Even when it became more and more obvious that they were falling into each other in a way that crossed the line that divided platonic and romantic, it was always the two of them. The younger Laurel and Susannah. The next generation of best friends.

Conrad never managed to catch Y/n’s longing glances, and Y/n always seemed to just miss the way his hands held onto her in ways he didn’t with anyone else. He held her in ways best friends weren’t supposed to.

Lingering touches that mirrored her stares, fingers twitching, begging to be interlocked. Conrad spoke his feelings to her in acts of service, winning her prizes, helping her with her homework, reading to her when she had headaches, even when she was insufferable because she kept groaning. It was also in physical touch. His cologne practically stuck to her clothes permanently with all the excuses he could find to just touch her in one way or another. Y/n seemed to constantly be trying to relay the same in her own acts of service and physical touch. Holding the door, cooking him his favorite desserts without Conrad even asking, resting her head in his lap during movie night. Both slotting together to mesh perfectly, but their ignorance keeping them apart. If I were any less mature, I would’ve yelled at them to hurry up, I wouldn’t be here forever and I’d like to see my special kids happy before I went.

“What are you thinking about, Beck?” My own best friend asked softly, her head still under mine. I squeezed her arm, feeling sure that one day they would get together.

“How happy they’ll be once they realize what they have.” It went silent, but I knew my best friend. I could sense her tight lipped smile, eyes squinting and nose scrunching. He lifted her head from my shoulder slowly, her hand resting on my lower back.

“Why don’t we settle down for the night?” I wanted to fight her, I wanted to enjoy the calmness of the summer evening. The way our children were just what they needed to be, kids. No matter their age, still able to enjoy the simplicity that the summer home had to offer. But Laurel was right, I was feeling sluggish and if I didn’t rest soon, the couch would be my bed for the night. So I nodded, leaving the image of Y/n pinned under Conrad, his hands wiggling by her sides in an attempt to make her squirm and their laughter to be the last thing I would remember before I fell asleep.

“Con.” My voice was soft, the grass wet under our backs, dirt on our skin. He turned his head to face me, a lazy smile on his face. His eyes were all hazy, clouded by both tiredness and something unreadable that consumed his facial expression.

“Hm.” He hummed, eyes searching my face, lighting up when they settled on my own. I could feel the hair on his arms brush against mine, hands curled up, an indication of how close we truly were. Always just out of reach. My fingers twitched against the back of his hand, aching to be intertwined with his. My eyes flicked to his lips out of habit, breath hitching.

When I looked back to meet his eyes, I found the once playful look replaced with serious stare, burning straight into my head. He seemed stiff, nervous in a way. My cheeks flamed up in embarrassment. He must’ve seen the way I couldn’t pull my gaze from his lips. I breathed out.

“It’ll always be like this, right?” It wasn’t what I wanted to say, what I meant to ask. But in that moment, it was all I could manage. A simply vague question that held so much depth. I hoped he’d say yes, that we’d always be this close, not that we’d always be best friends. Selfishly, I hoped he said we would be more. That we could be so much more.

“You and me, always.” I felt the way his arm shifted from beside me, linking his own hands together over his chest and breathing out. He pulled his attention back to the sky, where the clouds moved faster than they did in June. The summer was ending.

“I wish it could be summer forever.” Feeling awkward being the only one to still be looking at him, I too turned to face the sky. Biting my lip, my eyes shut to imagine it was the beginning of the three wonderful months we had together.

I wished that I could have Conrad forever. That it wasn’t just some summer love that I would have to sit idly on as the seasons changed to a colder, more lonely winter. That Conrad and I could do all the things we always talked about over the phone together. Our cheeks would be rosy with the nip of the frosty weather and not because the sun had burnt us into a delirious mess. Groaning on the couch as we wasted our days away.

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder, Y/n/n.” He joked. Only, the way he said he sounded completely honest. Like he wasn’t joking. He said things like that a lot now. Things that were awfully romantic for someone who swore that we were platonic to all of our friends. It pulled in my heartstrings a little each time one of the phrases would slip. A source of joy for my daydreams to run on for the next few hours. If I were any more delusional, I would’ve told him how I felt about his jokes out loud. But I wasn’t, so I held them in. I let my heart face and my breathing quicken in silence.

“I hope you’ll be just as fond of me when you see me next, then.” I rolled to my side, countering his joke. I heard him laugh. My hands tucked under my head like a pillow and my legs bent at the knee. I made myself smaller next to him.

As our giggles died out, so did his interest in the clouds. He mirrored my position, hands under his head, legs bent up. Our knees touched, radiating a warmth that bounced between our body heat. My eyes were focused on him, but I was spacey. Thinking of just how long we’d be apart. It hurt my heart, I didn’t care if I would grow fonder of him. I didn’t think that was even possible with how much I loved him now.

“What’s running through that head if yours, Y/n/n.” His hand came up, pointer finger delicately tapping the top of my nose. I scrunched it under his touch, so light it tickled. My reaction made him smile again, even after his hand had returned back under his head.

“Thinking about how fondly I’ll think of you next June.” There were some things you just cannot speak about, can not share. I would never share what I was truly thinking about that day. How I was so stuck in my own feelings for him that I couldn’t even bare the thought of not having him beside me. That my heart deflated at just the mere mention of the winter because the only person I ever wanted to be around would be taken away from me.

Conrad’s laugh was weaker this time, smile fading into a smaller one but it was just as happy.

“I hope you’re already pretty fond of me, then.” I returned his smile then, the crinkle by my eyes moving a strand of hair into my face. It tickled my nose again, but I didn’t scrunch it. Too focused on Conrad so close to care.

Before I could respond, I felt the softness of his hand brushing across my face and tucking the strand behind my ear. He did it so gently, like I would break if he wasn’t.

“I am.” It came out breathy now that his touch was on me. He didn’t remove his hand from my face then. Instead, it felt more like he was molding his palm to fit my jawline. He cupped my face in his hand and just admired me. Eyes flickering around until they met my now moony gaze.

It was like some force was pulling us closer, then. Conrad’s face getting closer and closer, little by little. I couldn’t tell who was leaning in. It could’ve been me, but I was almost sure it was him. My eyelashes fluttered, fighting the instinct to close them. I heard how his breath hitched, I felt my own do the same. This was something I had always dreamed of happening, it felt unreal that now out of all times it would happen. I always dreamed of kissing Conrad in the beach, or the old dock where we used to play. Maybe even in the pool where we’d hold our fake Olympic competitions. But here we sat, on the grass, his breath fanning my face.

His head turned little by little, getting ready to connect our lips finally. The squeaky glass door slid open, and by some bad luck, it was enough to scare us into a more distant position. We sat up, now more than just inches away, searching the backyard for who had opened it.

Steven had been the culprit, having forgotten something on the small table outside. Looking beyond the pool, he found Conrad and I, red as can be, eyes wandering around and waved.

“I’ve been looking for you two! Belly wants to have one last movie night. Jeremiah’s making popcorn. Y/n, you’re on blanket duty!” He was completely oblivious to the tension between us. Of how my cheek, right where Conrad had been touching me was burning. How in my mind, it felt like he had left a mark with how hot it felt. I cleared my mind, shaking it off and looking to Conrad almost disappointedly.

To my surprise, he seemed perfectly fine, like nothing had just happened. He sprung to his feet, in fact, completely able to move on and ignore it. Maybe I had read it wrong. Maybe he wasn’t trying to kiss me. Of course I was, it would be stupid to believe that my best friend could really possess some sort of feelings for me. I had simply made it up, tricked my mind into believing it was true because I longed for him too much.

When his hands met mine to held me up, it felt like fire. Flames burning into my hands at how badly I wanted him. If he didn’t care, than I shouldn’t either. My stupid feelings shouldn’t weight down the last hours we’d spend together. It shouldn’t dictate how the last night will go.

I put on a brave smile, sticking a bandaid over the wound over my heart. I bled out on the couch, all over anyone near me. My smile false, heart heavy. I forced myself to forget it and as the movie grew longer and longer, it left my mind completely. Eyebrows feeling lighter, the burning in my throat releasing itself into a soothing sensation. It would be my last memory of the summer that truly stuck. How close I had gotten to Conrad, and how quickly he had slipped away. How wrong I was about how he felt. How hurt I was for believing it could be different.

What I didn’t know then was how he felt the same. How his mind was swirling with the what if’s and the same disappointment I felt. How my fake smile had tricked him into believing it meant nothing to me, like I didn’t understand the weight of the situation at all. He didn’t know how I was breaking inside at how he didn’t seem to care, because he was feeling the same. My own act was tricking him, allowing Conrad to believe just what I thought of him. That I did not care for him like he did with me. That his feelings weren’t reciprocated. It was a dance between us. Chasing in a circle to get the other attention, to figure out what was happening between us. Completely unaware that if we would just turn around, we’d find what we do desperately longed for. The other chasing the same thing. We let the incident go by the morning, pretending that whatever happened was all a dream. And just like that, we were what we had always been. Best friends.

The news came early in the morning. The sun hadn’t fully crossed the horizon yet and there was still dew on the lawn. I was alone then, away at college. The constant calls from my mother waking me up. But it was the one from Conrad that I answered somehow.

“Hello?” My voice was full of sleep, confused as to why my mom was calling me so early. I had an eight am that morning, I had my alarms set. It was all so confusing, hazy.

“Y/n.” His voice was shaky, weak. It woke me up quickly. Conrad was never like this, at least not over the phone. Occasionally he would breakdown around me. The tears always stung. So full of emotion, so overwhelmed to the point he couldn’t keep it together. All it took was someone to ask if he was really okay to tip him over the edge. To open the flood gates. It only happened at the worst of times, it was alarming that it was happening now.

“Conrad, are you okay? What happened?” I knew something bad had to have happened. This wasn’t simply just him calling because of how much he missed me. Those calls came later at night on FaceTime, his voice light and playful each time. This was heavy, I couldn’t see him, he was hiding behind the phone call. I knew it had to be bad, already packing a bag as he spoke. The phone was pressed to my ear by my shoulder and head, I worked on stuffing as much of my clothes in as possible. I made sure to scribble a note down to let my roommate know I was leaving and would be back in a few days.

“It’s my mom.” The world stopped in that moment. I knew I had to get to him even quicker now, I knew he needed me to talk to him, to walk him through his grief but the news was so heavy, my hands stopped working. I froze, unable to do anything but pray that it was some sick prank.

“What?” It came quiet, I wasn’t sure if he even heard me. She wasn’t my mom by birth, I didn’t carry the same relationship to her as Conrad did. I didn’t see her everyday for hours, but in some way she was my second mother. She taught me to ride a bike, how to bake a cake. I learned how to read from her, her name was the first word out of my mouth. She was the grounding in my life. The one person I trusted to share everything because it was likely she’d already been through it. She understood like a mother, helped me grow as one. Her death would leave an empty hole in my heart for eternity, I was sure.

I heard Conrad take a shaky breath, holding it while he tried to piece together what he had to say. What I deserved to know.

“It happened this morning, just an hour ago. I wasn’t going to call so soon but, I thought you deserved to know. She was special to you, so…” He tried to keep it together, I could feel it. I could hear it. How his breaths caught in his throat, the quiet stutter beneath his words.

“Conrad, I…” In looking for all the words I wanted to say, to tell him it would be okay with, I came up short. Unable to make some sense as to what was happen.

“You don’t have to say anything. We all knew it was coming soon.” He dismissed my struggle, knowing that if it were hitting this hard on his end, he could imagine that I wouldn’t take it very week either.

“Yes but Con, that doesn’t make it any better.” I ran a hand through my hair, placing the phone tightly between my shoulder blade and my ear. I began to pack again.

“Do you need me to come down to Boston?” I would’ve come down on my own, would’ve held him like a brother, protected him from the world, the reality of it all. But it was a delicate situation. I had to walk on eggshells, unsure of what was best. I had never lost a relative before, never endured the pain of not having a mother. Never seeing her again like how the Fisher brothers just had. I didn’t know if it was best to stay or go.

“No, no.” Though it sounded like he was lying, like part of him wanted me to just be there, his words were firm, exhausted. If he wanted me there, I would come, but I would not intrude when times were so tough.

The line went quiet for a moment, I can still hear the static ringing through my head even now. How the line went just as quiet as the dorms when everyone was asleep. I could feel the hot liquid trailing down my cheeks, the tightening of my chest becoming more rapid the longer we both stayed quiet.

“Listen, I’ll call you later when I know more, okay?” I nodded my head, only realizing a moment later he couldn’t see me. I took in a deep breath.

“Okay, yeah.” He mumbled a quick goodbye, hanging up the phone and leaving me alone to grieve. The once cheerful morning turned grey with sadness, clouds looming as a reminder to the sunshine we had lost that morning. The dew turned into mud and the plants wilted. My bag was packed in minutes after the call ended, bag slung over my shoulder.

Conrad didn’t want me there, and that was fine. But my mother was at home, sitting with only two thirds of her family who were probably all unaware besides her. If Conrad didn’t need my shoulders to lean on, my mother did. She knew Susannah longer and truer than any of us had. The pain she must be carrying could only be indescribable to her. So if I wasn’t leaving for the Fishers, I was for her.

I never got that call from Conrad, not even a text. As I laid in my childhood bedroom, eyes glued to the ceiling and the silence of the household drowning me in my own self isolation, I didn’t even wonder why. For the first time, my life didn’t revolve around Conrad, on how he was doing, what he was doing. I didn’t miss him anymore. Not because the hurt of him not being here was any less, but because the pain of his mother never coming back being worse. It canceled out and an extreme numbness took over. I felt nothing. I had cried all my tears, screamed into my pillow until my voice gave away. My knuckles hurt from how hard I gripped the steering wheel on the way home. I had already lost it and now I had nothing else to give.

…

The funeral was a week later. Not much time to process such a heavy loss. Adam wanted me to speak at the funeral, he knew how much Susannah meant to me, but I couldn’t do it. Walking up to the podium, I couldn’t say her name. Even if it were just a practice run. My voice ran dry, eyes wet. Staring at her photo by the alter, all I could do was shake my head. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t do what her husband wanted for her. I felt embarrassed I couldn’t help the family who was going through so much still. They claimed they understood, but the guilt loomed.

We sat three rows behind them. Strangers separating us. It made me angry. If not us, the ones who spent hours on hours together, at least my mother deserved to be sitting in the front row with the Fishers. She was a sister to Susannah. She was just as much of a family as they were. I kept my mouth shut, my eyes down. The family took turns speaking, each sentence summarizing her in the most beautiful way possible. Some old friends spoke in her honor too. It felt wrong then, how people who barely knew her could stand up there and act like she was their greatest gift.

When it was Conrad’s turn, he sung a song. In his pain, his voice failed him. Wavering and breaking through the song. He apologized, looking out into the crowd he met my eyes. I wanted to look away, not wanting him to see me so broken when I should be the one supporting him. But by looking into my eyes, even as teary and red as they were, he grounded himself. By the time he finished, the venue was silent, soft cries echoing from the back rows. Nobody acknowledged them out of the fear that it would cause them to breakdown again.

The silence carried over to the Fishers Boston home. Other than the adults mingling and the quiet chatter of Jeremiah and Steven, the room felt empty. It felt like a depressing party, one that was about Susannah, yet excluded her from it.

It was tiring, the whole experience. Always trying to catch up with how quickly everyone else was getting over it. I felt like a dead weight compared to Steven and Belly, who had already started coming to terms with it. I was the only one left living in denial. The only one still dreaming of epiphany’s to make some sense of it. To make the heartache more bearable.

I wore the dark eye bags and my salt tears like a tattoo, ones that had been permanently stained on my face since the news broke. It was obvious I wasn’t doing well. I had planned to go back to school after the funeral, seeking a clean space to cope. To get away from the constant reminders of what could no longer be.

Jeremiah said I looked too weak to be driving myself to school tonight. He set up the guest room for me, decorating it just as his mother used to. Even in my protests he managed to convince me. He told me how it was more for him than it was for me. How having me close made him feel better because it was like gaining a piece of him family back. Like having an older sister come home from college.

After that, I kept mainly to myself. Finding the emptiest rooms and sticking to them. I hid my face in my knees, soft cries coming in waves until I had nothing left to cry for. Alone, I sat in the darkness until the soft chatter died out and all distractions became a heavy peace.

“You should get to bed soon, Conrad, it’s getting late.” I forgot all about him, I realized. Not once having checked on him. It was only Adams soft suggestion reminding me of the other brother, who was probably taking the funeral even harder than his younger brother. Wiping my cheeks with the backs of my hands, I waited until the choking breaths turned into quiet sniffles. Until everything felt calmer, more collected to see him. I wanted to be able to be there for Conrad, even when I wasn’t doing okay either. I wanted to—no. I needed to be strong for him.

I knew where he was, I could see the frame of his back hunched over on the couch. Head hung low and hands fidgeting around anxiously. It made me nervous.

I took the time to go downstairs then, only after I was sure everybody else had filed out of the house, leaving it looming with an eerie emptiness. There were leftovers on the table, one serving left, the rest already in the refrigerator. Adam had already cleaned away any evidence of Susannah’s death.

Taking what was left, I put it on a paper plate. My own stomach rumbled, being empty, but the starving feeling felt better than feeling nothing at all. I knew Conrad hadn’t eaten in hours, cemented to his place on the couch, he needed to eat. It could be considered a peace offering, a kind gesture. Something to maybe lift his spirits.

My hands were shaky, so I had to hold his plate with both hands. I leaned against the wall when I went back upstairs, I didn’t trust my footing anymore. I had to stop halfway up, take a deep breath and pull it together. Conrad needed me, I had to be there. I wanted to be there.

It was a soft knock that pulled me from my descent into a bottomless pit of sadness. My mind shook its self free, eyes fighting consciousness. I was ready to snap, irritated at my dads efforts of trying to move me from where I found some sort of comfort. Really, it wasn’t his fault. He was only a concerned father who wanted to help his son. But I wanted none of it. I wanted even more now than when my mom was alive to be as distant from him as possible. Unforgiving of his horrible mistakes that caused my mom so much pain.

The soft voice that spoke wasn’t one that belonged to my father, not even my brother who had a sweet voice saved specifically for moments like these. To ease the tension, calm everyone down. No, it was like honey. So sweet and gentle. So easy to listen to. I longed to hear more.

“Con?” It belonged to Y/n. My Y/n. The only person I hadn’t really seen all day. The only person I wanted to see all day. Instead, she had spent it making everyone happy with her. Tending to Jeremiah’s wish, staying with us overnight. Giving a loving hand to hold for Belly and Steven, calming down her younger sisters uneven cries and her brothers panicked breathing. She tried to get her mother to open up, but Laurel was like me. Stubborn. Even with her best efforts, she was locked out, leaving her to seek solace in the less crowded rooms upstairs. I wanted to come see her, but my feet no longer worked. My legs were jelly. I felt stuck to the couch. Too weak to keep moving.

I acknowledged her, mouth too dry to speak. She took it as a signal to sit down beside me. The plate in her lap was shaking like her. The food looked unappetizing, but I appreciated her effort. She pushed it towards me, a hand finding my back, she rubbed it like she had in the summer when I was drunk and clinging onto the toilet out of sickness.

Nodding my head, I accepted it only to place it on the table in front of me. I knew she knew I didn’t mean it as an insult, I just couldn’t eat right now. I just wanted her to hold me. I wanted to feel safe again.

So, I placed my head where I’d always wished I could. My ear pressed against her shoulder, hands glued to my lap, her arms wrapped around me out of instinct. It was so warm, so loving. It helped to heal the ache that was ripping through my heart slightly. My headache didn’t feel so severe with her close. She made everything better, just as she always did.

“Con, I’ve known you my whole life, you’re my best friend. You can talk to me. You can trust me, okay?” Her hands in my hair suddenly felt my poison. Little thorns poking into my scalp. The sour reminder that this hold, this closeness wasn’t reserved for me. I wasn’t hers, she wasn’t mine. It made me feel angrier than I should’ve. A mix of grief and disappointment mixing together into something she didn’t deserve. She was only trying to help.

Sighing heavily, I pulled myself away, standing up to create a distance that I knew she felt not only physically but mentally. A feeling of someone close to her becoming closed off to her, just as her mother had done earlier today. I couldn’t look at her. I’d spill everything.

“Conrad, no. Please don’t shut me out. Please, not now.” She was pleading with me, her voice shook slightly, it made my heart break a little, hearing how feeble she was feeling.

“Y/n, can you go please?” I didn’t mean what I said. I’d only done it out of my own petty desires. Hurting the girl I loved more than anything in this world out of my own selfishness. When we were both hurting the most. She didn’t say anything, but I imagined she must’ve shook her head. Her footsteps grew closer.

“No.” She choked out, “No, I’m not leaving you alone right now.” Y/n cared so much for me, she always did. She knew how to read me better than anyone else. She knew that even now when I was asking her to go, I didn’t mean it. I wanted her more than anything. Her knowing this overwhelmed me with a love that I misplaced, unable to cherish and welcome it due to my own selfish nature. Only ever knowing how to push away what was so graciously given to me. I decided to snap at her, make her leave.

“What do you get out of staying, Y/n?” My words were laced with venom, I turned around to speak to her now. Having already built up my walls to know I wouldn’t break. She was speechless, confused.

“I-I don’t…” She couldn’t find the words. Not expecting to be turned on so quickly when she was just trying to help, to be kind.

“God, you are so selfish. This is about you doing what makes you feel good, right? You don’t give a shit about me, Y/n.” I didn’t mean it. I knew Y/n was far from selfish. She was the most selfless person I knew. Always putting herself dead last to help everyone else thrive. She hated thinking she was one day going to be depicted as someone selfish, someone cruel. It was an insecurity I knew she had since childhood. So, in my own anger, I pointed my weapons at her deepest hurts.

“Con, no. That’s not true.” She was defeated now, lip quivering and face contorted into pure pain. I scoffed.

“You can’t even look me in the eyes when you say it. You don’t have to pity me just because my mom is dead.” I kept going, unable to stop now that I had started. I had already stabbed her, now I was only twisting the knife. I watched her eyes well up with tears, all glassy and red. Her lip quivered and her eyebrows pulled together.

“Fuck you Conrad!” It was unexpected. I hoped she would walk away, leave it be and blame it on my grieving, but I should’ve known better. Y/n was like me, stubborn. She was just as much of a fighter ad I was, kinder but full of anger just as I was.

“Susannah was as much of a mother to me as my own! You aren’t the only one grieving, asshole! I’m doing this because I care. I care Conrad, and I wish I didn’t because you don’t deserve it, but I do. And I’m afraid I always will. So…so don’t you disregard my sadness out of the spite of your own anger!” What started out so strong had faltered into a weak confession. She was looking at me in the eyes, finding it in herself to finally make eye contact, breaking the invisible barrier between us. We were chest to chest.

Even in her state, she was so beautiful. Like an Angel sent form heaven specifically for me. I couldn’t help the way my eyes searched her face. I felt confused, more overwhelmed now than ever.

A silence took over, heavy breathing turning into quiet huffs of air. Even, steady. We were so close, I could feel her body heat radiating onto me.

I opened my mouth to speak, I wanted to apologize but the words got stuck. I couldn’t convey what I wanted to tell her. How she meant the world to me, how she was the only person who I cared about more than anything. She was the only person I didn’t want to shut out, didn’t mean to shut out. I loved her more than anything I’ve ever loved and it hurt me to not be able to love her as more than a friend.

My fingers found her hand then, squeezing and pulling her fingers between my own. I held it there, by her side, trying to get her to understand. I heard her breath hitch, saw her eyes find my lips. They flickered back up to my face. I needed her badly then, I knew I couldn’t wait. She was right here, so willing to stay when I’d treated her so horribly. She saw right through me constantly, she stuck by me in my darkest storms.

I didn’t think about it when I did it. About how my leaning in, my effort to kiss her could’ve scared her away. I was blinded by want, by need. I forgot it takes two people to have something.

Y/n released a breath only to hitch it once again, moving back from where I leaned in, she lengthened the gap between us again. A soft whimper woke me up from my haze, her head shaking rapidly. She looked scared. But more than that, she looked guilty, hurt.

Susannah was dead, there was no way to avoid that fact. My mom was never coming back, and that alone broke everyone into tiny pieces. Knowing Y/n, I knew how complicated everything felt for her. She was grieving, hurting. Not even I could piece together what she was thinking.

“Connie.” Her second whimper of my name is the one that made me back away. It was then I saw what I had done. The girl I loved most was staring back at me with wide eyes, mouth open slightly and body shaking. More than that, she had tears streaming down her face rapidly. I had made Y/n cry. For the first time in my life, I had made my best friend cry.

My heart shattered at the realization. How I’d ripped her down, made her feel vulnerable and then went in to kiss her like it would cancel everything out. I moved back again, trying to find the right words to apologize with. A silence surrounded us, crickets and the late night breeze the only sounds filling the walls around us.

I watched her a step back, slightly faltering over the threshold of the doorframe. Her hand ripped away from mine quickly, leaving a burning feeling behind from where we were once connected. A pain that wasn’t real, but felt so. She began to walk backwards now, hands finding the hallways walls for support, her feet failing her.

“Y/n.” My voice was quiet, my feet cemented to the floor. She shook her head again, a sob racking through her body. It’s a sound I’d never heard before. One I hope to never hear again. I could see how panicked she was. How everything was just now catching up. Her feet move quicker now, seeing how I’m reaching out for her. She’s scared, how could she not be? We’d crossed a line that wasn’t meant to be crossed, one that was toed over during one of the most horrible moments of our lives.

She’s halfway down the stairs now, the thumping of her feet louder than the creaking of the stairs. Jeremiah sticks his head out at the sound, looking between her disappearing figure and my body stuck in the doorway. It’s then I realize she’s actually leaving. Not to find peace in the guest bedroom, but to go away for good. I’d pushed her away, why had I pushed her away?

I’m quick then, my feet finding the floor in front of me, I make a mad dash down the hall and around the old banister. It cried under my weight but I push through, desperate to reach her. I don’t care who I wake up, if my fathers mad. If he’d just finished crying himself to sleep. I’m shouting after Y/n, yelling her name like it’s the only word in my dictionary.

“Y/n!” My feet stopped at the beginning of the driveway. The space her car once occupied is gone, not even the distant sound of a car rushing down the street can be heard. She’s slipped away from me just as my mother had, leaving me completely alone.

I walked out to the street, trying to see if she had parked it elsewhere. She wouldn’t leave me, would she? Not after we’d promised we’d always be like this. So close, always together.

The street was empty, only the flickering street lights illuminating the dark streets. I felt defeated, broken. I had got what I intended for, but not what I wanted.

Y/n was gone like the wind, leaving me in the stillness of the night, overthinking everything that had led us to this tipping point. All the tension, all the build up just for the resolve to be our ending. I always dreamed of the day I could finally confess my feelings to her. Even if she didn’t reciprocate them, she would never be mean about it. We’d always be close, and that alone gave me comfort. Now, I wasn’t so sure. What should’ve brought us together in my head, the one thing I’d always dreamed about, had split us apart. It’s almost funny how it happened, when it happened. The two people I always saw myself standing next to for the rest of eternity gone within the same week. Unsure if seeing them again was even something that was possible.

In all the years I had ignored him, Conrad never stopped reaching out. Not until my Junior year. My phone was filled with unanswered messages that varied from topic to topic. He kept me updated even in my absence from his life, wanting to salvage the closeness we’d cherished when we were younger.

He told me how he was in therapy, a week later he told me how he’d stopped going. Not only because he felt like it was nearly impossible to open up to a complete stranger, but because going felt like another financial burden he was adding to his fathers long list of bills and soon to be debt. Conrad shared how day by day, the grief of losing his mother was getting easier to cope with. The happy memories of her having been around at some point fueling him each day. He felt grateful he even had the pleasure to know her so well. Call her his mother. He was going to school to become a doctor now, changing his major halfway through his freshman year because he wanted to help people going through what his mother was forced to endure. He wanted to save people, help them in ways he was never able to help Susannah. He had a good heart, an honest one. Yet, he never spoke of any new lovers in his life. He carried all these amazing qualities, but his heart still longed for me, the girl who had left and never looked back.

It had been just over three years since I’d walked away from Conrad. Three years since I’d seen him. I couldn’t even look at him through photos. I was grown now, but my heart still aches in the same childish way it did when the wound was fresh. He never brought up what happened after the funeral. It was like his attempt to kiss me didn’t exist, only adding to the hurt I felt. Only confirming what I believed from the beginning. Conrad Fisher hadn’t leaned in to kiss me because he loved me, he had done it because he was grieving and didn’t know how to feel. He didn’t love me like I loved him. He did it because I was always so easy. The lovesick fool who would do anything for him, even if it hurt me the most. Susannah had been so sure that he did love me the same, I almost believed her, but it was ignorant to buy into it when it was so obviously not there. Yet, I still felt a tingling sensation each time I looked back at his messages. I wondered if in the time he’d stopped talking to me, he’d found someone else to love and know like he did with me. I hoped that my replacement was beautiful, like a model on the cover of Vogue. I prayed she was smart and kind like Susannah. I hoped she was everything I wasn’t to him.

Deep down, I knew part of my attachment, my fixation on what he was up to was because of the messages. How no matter how wrong it felt, I continued to allow myself to be part of his life from a distance. Even if Conrad didn’t know it, I always cared. Always would. I told him that the day I left. It was fear that turned out to be true. A curse that kept me from finding that same love for anyone else. My heart belonged to Conrad Fisher, a boy who barely knew me anymore. A boy who I wasn’t even sure if I could consider a friend anymore. A boy I want to be able to call my friend again. I had been so resolute all these years in keeping to my word. That after that night, I would never come back. The last would stay just that, the past. It was never that easy.

Letting go of Conrad Fisher was more than only losing the love of my life. It was like throwing away the last pieces of a Susannah. Sure, I still talked to Jeremiah quite frequently. Our phone calls lasted for hours, he never failed to make me smile. But he didn’t have Susannah’s eyes. He didn’t have her blonde hair or her smile. He was a direct reflection of his father, other than his unwavering optimism. None of his features lined up in the same way Conrad’s did. He was her twin, in a way. Losing him felt like losing her all over again.

All I did was try, try, keep trying. I kept pushing until I had nothing left to give, a burnout who barely made it to graduation. No friends to stand with at the finish line. All in an effort to forget what was lost along the way. Losing Conrad made all my achievements feel unworthy. A deep depression looming deep in my stomach, waiting for the right moment to rise, swallow me whole. Not even seeing my family there, sitting excitedly in the folding chairs could lift my spirits. There were four empty seats beside them that shattered my heart. I could place a name to each one. Figure out who would sit where if they had shown. But that bridge was burned and it was my fault.

My fault for running away from the boy who adored me like no other. Who made me feel special. Who understood me like a lover. My heart felt empty, I couldn’t sleep at all that night. Not even when Belly had shared about her forming relationship with Jeremiah, not when Steven confessed he thought he might be marrying Taylor soon, he was ready to buy a ring.

Years ago, that would’ve been something that lifted my mood. Filled me with joy, excitement that my sister was finding her own soulmate in a close friend. How her heart finally beat for the one that was there for her the whole time. But like a train, it hit me that the connecting link between the Fisher family and the Conklin’s would no longer be Conrad and I like I always dreamed it to be. It would be Jeremiah and Belly. Steven’s upcoming engagement didn’t thrill me either. His healthy relationship only reminding me of the ones I lacked. Amplifying the loneliness I was already painfully aware of. All by my own doing.

I felt like I was crashing, listening to my family talk about how well they were doing. It was like they couldn’t see the downward spiral I was falling into. Becoming my worst self.

Going home to a house filled with tainted memories surely didn’t help. Nor did the bottle of alcohol placed in the middle of the kitchen table. Picking it up and drinking straight from the glass was bound to happen, I was hurting and it was my numbing solution. Years ago I had told myself I’d rather feel all the pain in the world than be numb when it came to Susannah’s passing, but now I wished I could take it back. Each drink hurt less and less. The tequila turned into water, my eyes hurt to keep open. I was a quiet mess on the couch. Unaware of anything really.

It was an issue how easily persuaded I was when drunk. In my sober state, I would have never agreed to Belly’s proposition. I would’ve protested, claiming I still wasn’t ready to face my issues. I wasn’t fully prepared to accept that Conrad never loved me, that it was his grief that made him want to kiss me. Something I loved with for years. But I wasn’t sober, and Belly’s argument that we’d be going down for the summer again because it would be what Susannah wanted had me packing a bag for the morning. Ready to go down to the one place I hadn’t been since Susannah still inhabited it.

I found myself hurting in the back of the car, aching, tired. The road underneath the wheels crunching and bouncing the car in a way that made my head pound. I laid my head in my moms lap, praying for it to all be over. Seeking the peace of stillness.

Susannah had once told my mother that she believed I was walking sunshine. A force that lit up the sky when I was around. Someone who’s smile was so contagious, even her brooding son couldn’t help but feel joyful around me. It felt like I was letting her down in a way. Now that everyone had moved on, had gotten better. I felt like an idiot being stuck on the past. What was worse is that I wasn’t sure if I was so stuck because of Susannah or because of Conrad. Both answers freaked me out.

“Y/n, honey.” Her voice was gentle, hands running through my hair. I felt a mess. Hair messy like a child’s, eyes wide yet so tired. My lips were wet with drool, cheeks rosy with the summer heat. My head pounded with a nasty hangover.

I knew what my mom was going to tell me. I felt the car come to a halt, the road turning sharply into a familiar driveway with even more familiar trees peaking through the window. I knew where we were. I wasn’t sure if I was ready, but I knew there was no turning back.

Belly and Steven got out of the car first, just like every year prior. Footsteps echoed from the crushed up shells and rocks that were considered a driveway. Laughter and chatter, I recognized the voice as Jeremiah’s. My mother shifted underneath my head in hearing this, ready to get up. Her eyes met mine, silently pleading for me to just, try.

Sitting up, my back aches from the odd position I forced myself in. What I thought was comfort was a hidden pain shooting through my back. All I wanted more than anything was to lay back down on my moms lap. To pretend we were still at home. Like I wouldn’t have to confront anything. I heard the excitement in Jeremiahs voice.

“So, where’s Y/n?” My moms heavy sigh was a signal of impatience, her understanding was wearing thin, she was ready to shove me out into the outside.

I opened the car door slowly, head peaking out. My eyes were wide and nervous. Hands shaking around the door frame. I felt like a shell of the person I was the last time I’d stepped foot on this very ground.

“Jere.” His eyes were just as bright blue as I remembered, his hair just as unruly and free. He hadn’t changed, that alone gave me some sort of comfort. I felt my lips twitch up into a smile, eyebrows furrowed. I should’ve had smile lines at this age, but I only had worry lines. To stressed to think about being happy. But here I was, body peaking beyond the car door, cowering like a young child meeting new faces at a party.

My feet dragged, my body curling into itself in such a pathetic way. The door close weakly behind me, it didn’t make a sound I was sure I hadn’t closed it properly in my nervousness.

His footsteps were quick on the driveway, long strides shortening the amount of time it took to reach me. His eyes were slightly closed, like he was holding back tears. His arms outstretched, fingers motioning for me to come to him.

I didn’t realize how much I had missed how tightly he held onto me until having been deprived of it for so long. I wished I had been around more. I think I would’ve been better off if I had been. I could’ve healed, talked everything through.

But I ran. Far away from the people who supported me greatly, from the people who I needed to be around the most. I was cowardly and childish. A fool so blinded by her own emotions, I let myself close off to the people who I’d never had to before. I smeared my tears on Jeremiah’s shirt, his shoulder firm under my cheeks.

“I didn’t think you’d actually come.” His hands held my cheeks when he pulled away, keeping a hold on me liked I’d slip away if he didn’t. I shook my head, eyes crinkling just like they used to when we were children. I let out a hurt laugh. It was the furthest thing from real, but it felt nice to make someone else believe it was. Placing my hands over his, he lost all ability to move his hands other than his thumbs. He swiped at my tears, fighting off his own.

“I missed you.” I pinched his cheek, wiggling his face around playfully and snapping it back into place. His hands fell from my face, pretending to not find amusement in my attempts of play in such a serious moment. He swatted my hands away. My hangover was still intense, and my heart still beat unevenly, there was still a sense of magic around the beach house. I could feel the sadness slipping away, a new relief filling my heart as I eased back into the old routines of summer. It was still there, it always would be, but being around half of the pair I grew up around was enough to clear the murky skies and paint them a beautiful shade of crystal blue.

“I didn’t think you’d ever come back.” His words made my hands freeze, pulling back away from him and my smile falling, hard to bring back up. How could I explain my absence was one that was caused not only by the passing of his own mother, but by the cruel joke his brother had played on me. How in the weakest times, he continued to play me, made me feel so easy.

A deep breath got stuck in my throat, blinking hard. The small lump in my throat expanded until it burned. I swallowed, and swallowed until the pain was soothed enough to speak without an intense rasp. Licking my lips, I prepared for the long explanation and heavy details I would shorten to help Jeremiah understand why I had left everyone behind. I opened my mouth, only to have my words cut off and my heart to leap into my throat.

“Y/n.” His voice was airy, like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Turning my head to the side, I saw the joy in his face, mixing with what I could read as pure shock and what I could pick up as a deep sadness. It was clear it wasn’t only the youngest who was shocked by me showing up this summer.

“Conrad.” My tone was the same. I didn’t chase after him like I did to Jeremiah, nor did I welcome him into my arms, letting him walk right up to me. I felt stuck in place, heart racing at the sudden confrontation. He looked thinner, more tired. But his skin was still sun kissed and his nose was burnt on the bridge into a pinkish red. He had freckles scattered on his face and the same middle part that still, even after almost a decade of the change, curved off to the side near the back.

It was his house, it was stupid to pretend to be shocked by him being there. Jeremiah and all the courage I’d gained to even begin the process of speaking up about what happened was gone. The smile, even as fake as it was was wiped from my face and replaced with pure terror, pain.

It was like ripping my heart out all over again. Resurrecting the feelings that I had sworn to have buried over the last years. The ones I promised would never come back. I never saw myself in this light. So pathetic, letting something so old kill me all over again. It was like I was watching myself out of my body, listening to the world around me as a ghost. Only half of who I was. It was like I convinced myself these past few months that what happened was merely just a flesh wound, nothing deeper. I couldn’t have anticipated how far the ache would reach. How intense it would feel.

Conrad had began to try and speak again, his hands raising, my heart beating. The closer he inched, the harder it became to breath. The more blurry my vision became, the more everything hurt in a way I was sure I would never feel again.

Like some saint, Jeremiah had seen it. The way my shoulders tensed, chest rising and falling erratically. My skin was becoming blotchy around my neck and my eyes were watering more. I looked just as panicked as I felt. He’d seen me crashing out, he knew just as Conrad once had to get me out of there.

His hand hooked in mine, fingers intertwined tightly and palms pressed together until there was no space between us. He looked to me with a fake face on, eyes searching mine, he prayed I would go along with it.

My ears tuned most of it out, the pounding on my ears to great to really listen to what he was saying. I could only nod my head and let him lead the way. My footing was unstable, the ground shifting and pebbles flying in front of my feet each time I lifted my shoes off the ground. The birds sung to each other, and my mother instructed everyone to help unload the last of the cars luggage. Jeremiah and I had slipped away, keeping distance away from Conrad while doing so and slipped through the back door to seek shelter in his room.

I knew I had to explain it to him then, I couldn’t leave Jeremiah in the dark. Not when he’d been so worried that he pulled me away from his own brother, my best friend. He’d saved me, in a way. I owed it to him to tell him everything. Even if he’d take Conrad side. Even if I lost my only other bridge to Susannah’s life. He deserved to know.

Sitting on his messy duvet cover, my shoes fell to the floor, creating a heavy sound when they connected with the carpet. My knees were pulled to my chest, as if to hide away in a way. He was patient with me, his hand warm on my leg. I felt calmer without Conrad so close, with walls to separate us. I told him everything. He stayed stone faced while processing my feelings, how my heartache had been so great I couldn’t take myself back here until now. How my heart still longed for Conrad Fisher, how it always would. He didn’t judge me, but I could see how he felt bad for me. An idiot who fell in love with his idiot brother.

She’d been ignoring me all week. Something I never saw myself becoming well aquatinted with when it came to her. She was always a ball of sunshine, so easy going, so open to change. I had no idea that by me expressing my feelings I could change it in a moment. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew she would have run like this.

My mom always believed that Y/n and I were meant to be, pulled together by some invisible force. It constantly worked in our favors to push and pull us into a tightly knitted circle. Just us. When she died, Y/n was persistent on being supportive. Being there, caring more than anyone had ever done for me in that dark time. I thought that it was smart to buy into my fantasies, that Y/n had developed the same feelings I held for her and we could finally be what I’d always dreamed of.

It was the worst thing I could’ve done, looking back. How naive I was to think that even if she did reciprocate what I held for her, she was grieving just like I was. She was weak. Maybe she thought of it as wrong, now that my mom was dead. I drove her away with my own selfishness. It was a regret I carried all of my college experience.

Phone dry, a never ending loop of unanswered texts. She became a dump in a way, a place for me to open up even in her not being there. Part of me liked to think she read the messages. She had turned off her alerts, I had no idea, but thinking she saw them made my heart hurt less.

I thought by her coming, even though I knew the chances were slim as the Conklin’s had packed up and spent the summer down at Cousins without her in the previous years, I knew that maybe by her just being close that we could mend things. I had to. It hurt me to not be able to reach out and touch her like I once had the privilege to.

To hold her fingers under mine, rubbing dirt out of her eyebrows and maybe pressing my palms to her temples just to feel her warmth. How her legs tangled between the lawn and my own. It was all a foreign memory, ones that kept me going. Her laugh was a distant memory, one that echoed each night before I went to bed. For years I covered my ears and held my breath, afraid to loose the sound of her voice and smell of her perfume. Some shirts stayed hung up idly in my closet because she lingered on them. I didn’t want to wash it away yet.

Jeremiah insisted she just needed time after the first day. After he’d taken her away from me. I went into his room that night to yell at him, ask him why he would do that to me when he knew just how badly I wanted to hold her. He shook his head and held his breath. She was still hurting, he explained. Still scarred by the injuries that should’ve healed months ago. She needed time.

Time, something that became limited in the summer. Something we had not much of. There was no more guarantee she would be back. No more sure telling that her smile would once again light up the summer home and her voice would ring throughout the beaches. This could be my last ever moments with her. My last real conversation being one that caused her to leave.

I wanted to make it right more than anything, wanted to show her I still cared more than anything. I wanted to tell her everything. Pretend that we were okay, really be okay. I wanted her back.

Around the twelve day mark, I had enough. Time and space was something she had plenty of. I understood her, better than anyone. I know she needed her space, continues to need to heal. But for the first time in my life it’s like I have no clue on how to even begin to help her do that. It made me feel stupid, helpless. Killing myself over a girl who was once only a little girl to me.

The old dock was a place I found myself at most peace. The way the waves gently brushed against the old wooden beams, rocking the platform above. How the moonlight peaked through the cracks of the wooden roof and glistened on the water. You could faintly make out the shape of fish if you really looked and the wind was chilling compared to the usual humid summer air that hung all morning.

My arms were situated right against my body, hands tucked under my armpits. I was cold, sure, but I would never admit it. I always loved when Conrad would take me out here when we were younger. He learned his own love for the spot form his mother, a love that was passed down from child to child like an everlasting passion.

It was quiet, the water and the air drowning out any background noise. Sometimes if you were lucky, young children would play in the background. Laughter would fill the area. Maybe an old couple would barbecue outside. You could people watch. It was all so serene. Not enough to block out the creaks of approaching footsteps. How the boards groaned under the heavy steps getting closer.

My nose was red, I scrunched it in the cold. I sighed heavily, releasing any tension.

“This has always kind of been our spot, huh.” His voice was much deeper than I recalled it. Much more gravely, raspy than before. He was referring to Susannah and how it started, the first discussions that made us realize we were closer than all the others. We were certainly best friends. It was funny how even though it was her funeral that ultimately led to our breakage that she was a reoccurring theme in our lives. I nodded.

Silence took over us, a gap left between our bodies. I felt the urge to stay in place fighting the one to leave. I swallowed hard, looking over my shoulder and backing away slowly. My feet found the floor behind me, and unlike I had when the incident occurred, I was steady and able to begin my escape.

“Y/n, wait.” Conrad spoke softly. His voice wasn’t demanding, almost like he was begging. His eyes begged more than his voice. He pleaded for me to stay. I turned my head to him, stopping short and turning to face him. I watched as his frame began to tower over mine the closer and closer we got. He left a sizable gap between us still, out of respect for me.

Looking up at him, my eyes reflected the stars, wide and expecting. I waited patiently while his tongue licked around his mouth, his breathing heavier and heavier by the minute. He looked like he might burst.

“Y/n, you’re my best friend.” The words stung to hear even now. Even when I should’ve been relieved to know that he still considered me to be at the top of his list. My own heartache held me back. I could only nod.

“I know.” I could feel the lump in my throat form. How it hurt to not cry. How my eyebrows felt heavy and my nose became sore, not from the cold anymore.

He breathed out harshly, watching as I tried to make my escape again. His hand was harsh on my hand, pulling me back to where I was. I hadn’t even gotten the chance to turn away yet but he knew my intentions just as well as I did.

“You’re my best friend and it kills me to not be able to have you in my life anymore. I miss what we had, what we were. Everything was going great and then…what happened to us, Y/n?” I wish I could’ve answered him, but we both knew what led us here.

“I don’t have to defend my feelings to you.” My lip quivered, feeling a fight rising between us. We never used to fight. Now looking back on it, our last two interactions had only been fights. How quickly things can change.

Ripping my hand from his grasp I turned and made my quick escape down the dock. Walking as quick as my feet would carry me until my feet felt the grass beneath the soles of my shoes. I heard Conrad’s own steps connecting with the flooring just as harshly as mine had. The yank on my wrist was no as gentle as the first time around. His grip was harsh, tight. He made sure there was no escape.

“What is wrong with you?” His voice was raised but he wasn’t shouting. He rarely shouted at me. He always said he loved me too much to be mad at me.

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” My eyes rolled and my chest heaved, I felt myself getting hotter, cheeks redder.

“Susannah’s dead. She fucking died and everyone was hurting. You were hurting, I was hurting! You treated me like a last resort! Like, now that you lost someone important to you—you needed someone to fill the void! Made me feel easy, like an idiot! Trying to kiss me like it didn’t change anything—like it didn’t mean anything! It ruined everything Conrad! You decided that because you couldn’t have your ego bruised by being openly emotional, you just had to keep pushing people away! You used me! ” I threw my free hand up. I was crying. I felt stupid for crying, I shouldn’t be crying over him.

“I didn’t do that! No, Y/n you were never a last resort. I thought…I thought it would help! I didn’t think it would hurt you that badly. God, why did it have to hurt us so badly?” He shouted it at the sky. A fog now hugging the trees in the distance. A rainstorm coming in by morning. Clear sky’s would soon turn dark and murky. It felt fitting.

I felt rage. Pure rage. How blind he was to why I was hurting. I had pointed him in every direction, given him hints and yet he was always the one who even with their smart eyes and quick attention, could never truly figure out what I held for him. It all bubbles out like a sickness. A burning vomit that was nothing more than a dry heave. It hurt to get out, but the relief afterwards was worth it

“Because I love you, you idiot!” My voice was loud, deafening in the heavy silence that now hung between us, “I love you, okay?” I was more quiet the second time, seeing Conrad’s big eyes and shocked expression. How his hand loosened on my wrist, I prepared for the worst. The long awaited rejection that would forever break me, tear away the last pieces of the Fisher brothers from my life all together. Our past only to be held in old Polaroids and my moms photo book.

“And I’ve known it since that day in the pier. You bought me ice cream and I realized nobodies ever cared for me like that before. It felt so good to be know so well. It felt ducking amazing to have someone like that. I cared so much about you, I’m afraid I always will. Even now I can’t shake it.” I went on and on, confessing how I felt, when I realized what always been there. I felt his touch leave me completely. It felt cold to be so alone. My tears were salty when they landed on my lips, I wonder if Conrad could taste them.

His hands were warm on my cheeks, palms pressing into my jawline so hard that the simple touch felt that much more intense. His eyes were shut, I noticed. So I closed mine too, allowing myself to give into the boy in front of me. His chest pressed against mine, we were so close, air was almost impossible to find. I could only breathe in him, everything was Conrad. I could feel him everywhere. My nose, my eyes, my ears, my fingertips. His lips molded against my perfectly, slotting themselves into place and setting off jolts of electricity in my veins. It was slow and passionate, everything I had ever dreamed it to be. Wished for. He was gentle and rough, fearful to hurt me, as if I would shatter under his touch, but the pure desire to show me he felt the same was too great to dull down his actions.

We separated with a gasp. Heaving at the lack of air, both breathless form how long it lasted and how much build up had led us here. How badly we desired it. His forehead rested against mine softly, hands sliding down to settle on my waist. He was a lot softer now, more gentle, kinder. Like now that everything had been said wordlessly, he could finally relax by having me in his hold.

Our eyelashes fluttered against the others cheeks, a soft laughter passing between us. Our smiles were b, it felt more like a scar than a scab now. To have some reassurance that he didn’t go after me because I was easy in his eyes. But because he felt the same.

“It was the day at the beach. We got sunburnt badly and you took care of me all night.” I kissed his cheek while he spoke, holding onto him just a moment longer, “You said you realized your feelings the day at the boardwalk. I found mine while you were rubbing aloe on my back.” We laughter again at the almost stupid memory. How we had both realized what we felt at rehab seemed like the most insignificant parts of our relationship. Not when Conrad had taken me to my first party and danced with me all night, not when I stayed up all night with him and held him close just for the hell of it, but when we were children.

We had been so blind to it our whole lives it was almost a tragedy. How much wasted time we had in our lives. It was something we would never get back. Something so precious, something we all had so little of. It was too late to rewrite our history. We could only hope to fix what was broke. And in the silent of the night, Conrad began the mending with the soft whisper of three simple words. Ones that came out in almost a mumble, they only reached my ears.

“I love you.” I never truly believed Conrad when he would joke how distance makes the heart grow fonder, but after what felt like a lifetime apart, it felt like the most honest statement to be made.

Conrad Fisher was mine and I was his. After all of our damaged fights and flaws, we’d found each other again. Being pulled together again by that invisible string. Sticking like glue. My heart swelled knowing he would be mine in the morning.

I will forever cling onto everything I feared, but I will feel at peace with my own inquiries while now that we are half-awake, intimate in how we hold each other. Finally, the grief subsided and I am at peace. I am myself again, he is himself with me.

I know myself better than I have in years.

[brokenjere]

strangers again (c.f)

synopsis: REQUEST - Can i request something too?

For Conrad x reader

Enemies to lovers/Friends to lovers

But reader is sick and Conrad taking care of her

Jeremiah’s name lights up on her phone next to her head, making her eyes hurt even behind her eyelids. She answers it with a groan and Jeremiah’s laugh cuts clear through it. “Whoa, you sound horrific,” he says. “Where are you?” She pulls her phone away from her head to check the time. She’s late. She’s been dozing in and out of sleep all day, trying to clear the headache that’s been forming in her brain. It was getting so bad, she started to feel nauseous and had to turn off all the lights. She didn’t even think to call Jeremiah and tell her she wasn’t going to be at the party. 

“I’m sorry, J. I have a migraine. I’m feeling really sick, I’m not gonna make it,” she tells him. He sighs on the other side of the phone. It didn’t say I’m annoyed at you, it said that really sucks. 

“Do you need me to come tend to you, little baby?” He asks as a joke but she can’t laugh. Jeremiah is a good friend to Yn. He always has been. She tells him no. “You sure? I can bring some Midol, and get you some ice-cold water. Lay with you while the lights are all off and pluck my eyelashes out from boredom?” 

“I’m okay, Jere.” 

“I’ll send Conrad, okay? He’s not coming.” 

She quickly tells him no. She says it so many times Jeremiah laughs. “I’m serious. No.” The last thing that would fix her headache was Conrad Fisher but Jeremiah insisted so firmly, she conceded. She doesn’t have the energy to argue. “He can’t stay,” she says. 

“Okay. I’ll send him over and I’ll see you tomorrow if you feel better?” 

“Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow.” They hang up the phone and she closes her eyes again. She sees Conrad’s face with a red aurora around it. They used to be friends, her and Conrad, but now she would do anything to stay as far away from him as possible which sometimes proved difficult considering he was her best friend's brother but she still tried. She’d dodge him at the house whenever he entered the room, claiming a full bladder or that she needed to go home. Jeremiah let her pretend and never says anything to her. He still tried though like he knew something she didn’t. 

She hears the front door open and shut and a voice calling out for her. Despite it being distorted and uiet, she knows it’s Conrad. She doesn’t speak because it hurts and lets him find his way to her bedroom. He flicks on the light and she throws the covers over her head in defense. “What the fuck is your problem?” She curses under the covers. 

“What are you cussing at me for?” Conrad asks. She hears a plastic bag rustling and it makes her temples ache. 

“Didn’t Jeremiah tell you I have a migraine? Why would you turn the lights on like that? And would you please stop fucking moving that bag around?!” She flips the blanket off of her head. Her eyes sQuint at the bright light above her head and she tries to focus them on what’s going on around her. He’s standing by her bedroom door with a grocery bag in his hand filled with God knows what. He’s smiling like he enjoys seeing her this way and she grimaces at him. 

“Sorry, didn’t know I was walking into a hornet’s nest,” he quips. She narrows her eyes, no longer having to uint and he walks toward her. “Are you going to be nice and let me take care of you or is this a drop-and-go operation?” 

“I’d prefer if you dropped and left,” she tells him. He pouts and she thinks it’s fake but when he sets the bag down on the bed and doesn’t open it, she wonders if he really does want to stay. And that pisses her off. “What do you have to prove?” She asks. 

“What do you mean by that?” He furrows his eyebrows but doesn’t look at her. He pulls out a bottle of ibuprofen and cold water bottles and set them on the bed. Yn could feel the cold through her blanket. 

“You don’t need to sit here and take care of me, you know? I can do it myself.” 

“Lord knows that’s true,” he mumbles under his breath. He pulls out an almond Hershey bar. Her favorite chocolate. She tries not to think about it. 

“What does that mean?” 

“You’re allowed to make snippy, inconspicuous comments but I’m not?” He finally looks at her, throwing down a rag he took from her kitchen. It hits her leg and she glances between that and his face. It’s twisted in frustration. “I don’t have to mean anything by what I’m saying.” 

“But you do mean something by it. You always mean something.” 

Conrad scoffs and crumbles up the bag making her wince. She curls back up in her bed and kicks the stuff he put on the bed to the floor. He laughs but it’s not a happy laugh. He’s mad and she feels good that she made him feel that way. “You really are a piece of work, aren’t you?” She doesn’t want to but she peeks over her shoulder to see him bending down and collecting the stuff off the floor. She looks away before he can catch her. “I can’t believe Jeremiah still puts up with this shit.” 

“He doesn’t put up with anything,” she mumbles. She closes her eyes and squeezes them shut so tightly to block out the lights he still hasn’t turned off. “He wants to be my friend. Just because you don’t doesn’t mean that other people agree with you.” 

She can feel a fight coming on. One that she’s been trying to avoid for months and that, right now, she does not have the energy to participate in. Conrad opens the ibuprofen and shakes a few out into his hand. “Can you take some of these?” He asks her quietly. When she opens her eyes, his palm is outspread in front of her face with three white pills inside. “I have water.” 

“I don’t want that right now.” 

“Don’t be stubborn.” She groans and sits up against her pillows, snatching the pills

out of his palm. He twists open the cap of the water and hands it to her once she pops the medicine onto her tongue. He watches her intently as she washes them down. “Good job.” She rolls her eyes at him and sinks back down into the bed. “Who said I didn’t want to be your friend?” His voice is softer now with a level of concern she hasn’t heard from him in a while. 

“You did, remember? When you told me not to talk to you anymore?” He doesn’t pretend to not remember. He just nods his head and sits on the corner of her bed as far away from her as possible. She was sure if he touched her she’d recoil away from him so she’s grateful he doesn’t make her do that. 

“You know why I said that,” he whispers. He looks down at his lap and picks at the loose fabric on his sweatpants. She didn’t notice them before now. They’re ratty and old and she doesn’t remember ever seeing them before but it makes her wonder if he ran out of the house before getting ready. 

“I don’t,” she says. “And can you please shut off the fucking light?” Conrad laughs a little bit. It’s a laugh that comes from deep inside his gut. It’s the kind of laugh Yn used to crave to hear and now it makes her stomach hurt. 

When the light is off, instead of sitting back down on the bed, Conrad grabs the rag and bottle of water. He gets it wet and asks her if it’s okay if he puts it on her forehead. “The cold might make you feel better,” he suggests. She nods her head and then says yes aloud when she realizes he couldn’t see her. He sits closer to her now, his hip pushing against her side. She doesn’t recoil away from him but she notices it more than she should. 

They don’t speak to each other as he presses the rag to her head but she can hear him breathing. She can feel his hand shaking. Her lips get dry and as the water drips down the side of her face, she feels like crying and she’s not really sure why. She wishes Jeremiah was here instead. She wouldn’t be so worried about his hip against her body. She wouldn’t be thinking about his hand shaking and wondering why it was shaking. Jeremiah’s hand wouldn’t be shaking at all. He was sure. He was so sure all the time it was why he was her rock. Conrad was never sure. That was why she couldn’t be around him. He made her feel uneasy. 

When the rag gets too warm to be helpful, he puts it on her side table and dries the water off her forehead with his shirt sleeve. “How are you feeling?” He asks. 

“Fine, I guess. Thanks.” 

“Can I tell you something?” 

“If you have to,” she says. She doesn’t mean to be rude but the talking made her head worse and if she didn’t have to, she didn’t want to. “Sorry,” she mumbles. 

“I asked Jeremiah if I could come over,” he admits. She wishes she could see him but she knows that the fact they were in the dark and couldn’t see each other was the reason he just told her that. It was the reason they weren’t at each other’s throats right now. It didn’t feel real. “I wanted to take care of you.” 

“Why?” Her voice cracks and her heart starts to race. She swears he can feel it in his legs from all the way in her stomach. Her nerves ran that deep. 

“You know why…” He trails off. 

“You keep saying that I know but I don’t. I don’t know anything. You, Conrad Fisher,

have always been an enigma to me.” Their entire relationship had been on the Conrad timeline. They spoke when he wanted to, hung out when he wanted to, and didn’t speak when he got in his moods. He was hot and cold and she just wanted to be there until it became too much. She know nothing when it comes to him. 

The sensation of his hip pressing into her side changed to his thigh. The heat from his body went from the side of her to on top of her and when he speaks, his voice is closer than it was before. “I want to take care of you because I love you. I can’t talk to you because I love you and I can’t love you. You know I can’t love you.” 

Her head is pounding but her heart is pounding harder and instead of worrying about the pain in her temple, she grabs his face and kisses him. He kisses her back like he’s been waiting for this moment his entire life. He leans into her, pressing his hands into the pillows on the side of her head as he deepens the kiss. He kisses her so hard, she forgets she’s in pain. 

When he pulls away, her lips tingle and she presses her fingers to them. They’re wet and hot and she feels herself smile. “Are you okay?” He whispers to her. He puts his forehead against hers and she imagines him sucking the migraine out of her head. She nods. “Do you still hate me?” 

She doesn’t answer right away. She puts her fingers to his face and feels for his lips. They’re stretched out in a smile and he kisses the tips of her fingers. She can feel his cheeks are hot and she trails her nail down to his jawline gently. She wants to remember how he feels in case she can never touch him again. “I never hated you, Conrad.”

[jahayla-parker]

Sideline Support : Jeremiah Fisher x Reader

Description: Jeremiah Fisher is there for his girlfriend through win or lose. Looks at various situations where he’s there to support her, including 3 wins and 1 loss.

Warnings: mentions of injury, mentions of food/eating, sports, angry coaches, a couple curse words, stress/pressure, but otherwise fluff.

Y/n took a deep breath and tried to calm her mind.

Her team was relying on her to help guide them towards a win against their rivals.

Not only was she one of their best players, she was also a starter and the team captain.

Her coach and teammates all expected her to remain positive and encouraging no matter what happened.

Meanwhile they also simultaneously expected her to do her best and help her teammates do their best.

So it was crucial that she clear her mind before the match.

She had a big exam to study for tomorrow but that would have to wait until after the game.

She’d studied before hand as well, but had to stop a few hours prior to the match to switch mindsets and prepare for the game.

As she took another deep breath, she shook her head and pushed the air out through her lips making them vibrate.

She tossed her bag in her locker and locked it up.

As she stepped into the hall, she saw the lower team playing in the gym.

She wasn’t sure how the match was going, having had studied during it.

She knew her coach wouldn’t be pleased she hadn’t watched their other teams.

But she had family matters to attend to after she got home tonight.

So she decided to watch the last several points of this set to make up for it.

Y/n watched through the thin window in the gym door until it was safe for her to enter.

She crossed the hall and slipped into the gym once it was clear.

Y/n watched the last several points and cheered the team on.

She slipped back into the hallway as the team concluded their game and began setting up for varsity.

Y/n stretched a bit in the hallway as she greeted various teammates on their way into the gym.

Once she’d seen most of the girls, the others seemingly still in the training room, she went to fill up her water.

As she set the bottle down to screw the lid she felt someone wrap their arm over her shoulder.

She turned and glanced up with a smile, already knowing who it would be, “hey Jere”.

Jeremiah smiled back and winked, “hey beautiful, you ready?”

She took a deep breath and nodded.

“Hey, where’d the smile go?” Jeremiah teased, squeezing her shoulder and bringing her closer to him.

“You’ve got this babe” he encouraged, smiling down at her.

She felt her cheeks warm as she smiled softly, “it’s just a really important match tonight”.

“I know y/n/n” he nodded, “that’s why I’m here!”

She laughed and went back to screwing the lid on her bottle, “you always come Jeremiah”.

He chuckled, “okay fair, would you rather I only come to the ‘really important’ matches so it’s more meaningful?”

She heard the playful tone in his voice, especially as he recited her choice of words.

But she wanted him to be certain that she wanted him here as often as he could be.

“No!” She panicked, pushing him playfully as he smirked at her reaction.

“I love you coming to my games, you know that” she defended, “I’m just feeling the pressure tonight”.

Jeremiah hummed and gave her a sympathetic grin, “well, no matter what happens, I’m on your side”.

She nodded and smiled at him as she turned back to him, “I’m counting on it”.

“Front and center y/n/n” he promised, holding his pinky to her.

Y/n giggled and hooked their pinky fingers together, “front and center”.

“Tie me?” She asked, handing him her hair tie and putting her back to him.

Jeremiah chuckled as he suppressed the urge to make a joke.

Y/n caught on anyways and smacked his chest softly as she turned back to him when he was done and rolled her eyes.

“Y/n have you seen the ball cart?” One of her teammates called out.

“Oh, hi Jeremiah “ she added with a wave upon seeing him.

“Hi y/tm/n” Jere greeted kindly.

Y/n smiled, “it should’ve been out there. If not, there’s a spare varsity one by the third door to the storage room. I’ll help”

She turned back and smiled at Jeremiah.

“You’ve got this!” He beamed, giving her a soft peck on the cheek.

“Good luck!” He cheered to both of them as he slipped onto the gym

“Was there anything else missing?” Yn asked as she walked with y/tm/n to the storage room next to the home team’s locker room.

“Nope, jv had everything else ready” She answered, “I see Jeremiah came again”

Yn blushed and nodded as she pulled out the other ball cart from the corner.

“He’s like your own little cheerleader” she exclaimed

Yn laughed , “I mean yeah, he always has been. That’s just Jeremiah, he’s always so supportive, but he’s here for the whole team too not just me”.

“Girl the only reason he cares about the team is because you’re on it” He teammate giggled.

Y/n blushed and bit her lip bashfully.

“I mean, unlike most boyfriends who can be caught starting at our teammates whom they’re not with and checking out their asses, your boy only watches you” y/tm/n winked.

Yn blushed madly as she fumbled for words.

——Time Skip——

Y/n noticed the tension and sadness on her teammates’ faces as their coach walked away from the huddle to speak to the assistant coach in private.

She glanced at the scoreboard to see the timer as to how much time was left in this timeout.

As she turned back to her team, she whispered “hey, guys, look it’s okay. We’ve been down by far more before and still won”.

Her teammates rejected expressions didn’t change as they stared back at her.

“Okay, sappy sentiments over. Now, middles we need to stay strong at the net, we have to slow the hall down. Outsides and right side be ready for the tip, once or blocks get there they’re going to adjust” She advised.

The girls nodded with less dim eyes this time.

“We have to keep talking, don’t let the fact we’re down a few points bring the energy down. We’ve got this okay?” She asked hoping they did in fact have it, but it wasn’t up to her.

Her team agreed and did a small cheer before running back to the court.

As she got in her position she did a quick scan to look over at her boyfriend in order to calm herself.

The smile on Jeremiah’s face as they made eye contact worked perfectly for what she wanted and needed; her anxiety dissipating.

Y/n did her approach off the net and called for the setter to set her for an attack.

She watched as the ball left her teammates hands and waited until it hit the appropriate spot to begin her attacking footwork.

She felt weightless as she unconsciously did her approach, her arms swinging back flawlessly as she neared the net.

As she launched herself into the air, within milliseconds her eyes searched and located the open spot on the other side of the net and the center of the ball.

She lifted her arm up until her elbow was by her ear and hit the ball, her arm swinging forward as she swung through the attack.

As Y/n landed and began to prepare for the other team to give the ball back after passing it up, she watched the ball spike aggressively onto the gym floor just before the other team’s defensive specialist.

She let out an excited cheer as she turned around to face her teammates who were cheering and huddling together for her.

She let her teammates congratulate her and pat her on the back before they did a quick team cheer.

As she turned back to the net to get ready for the next point, her eyes cast over to Jeremiah.

It was clear he’d already been cheering with everyone else but when he saw her eyes on him he smiled even wider and cheered again.

She bit her lip and shook her head to clear her mind as she turned back to the game.

—— Time Skip——

Y/n stepped back from her team huddle as she steadied her breath.

It was match point.

It had been an intense and close match, the teams evenly skilled.

Their team had 23 and the away team had 24.

It was her serve.

If she missed it, it meant the other team won.

If she got it over and in, there was a chance her team could still win the point to tie.

If she got an ace or otherwise did an effective enough serve to keep the other team from sending the ball back, they’d be tied instantly without having to worry about her teammates doing anything that might meaning lsoing the point.

Three points and they’d win.

She could do three serves.

She’d don’t far more consecutive serves before; heck, she’d done back to back aces that were well into the twenties before.

But the pressure was high.

The outcome of this game would set the energy for the season.

It was not only that they were their rivals.

Because they were rivaling schools, it meant a lot of students showed up to support.

As such, there were so many watching her and it wasn’t just her team relying on her to do these serves.

It also meant if they lost the game that they’d have less of an attendance at the next games for the season.

Which would be disappointing in general but her team also got encouraged by the fan section during times they’d be down in points in a match.

So, less attendance meant less chances for that and more work for yn to handle herself.

Whenever she was as focused as she currently was, she could get in the zone.

In other words, she could block out everything and everyone.

She had to.

She had to focus on just her and the volleyball that would soon be in her palm.

If she focused on anything or anyone else, she would risk getting into her head too much and messing up.

Her coach and team knew this, hence why they’d had no problem with her stepping away during this timeout.

Jeremiah knew this as well, which was good because while he was normally her source of reliable encouragement and her rock, she needed it to be just her in this moment.

When she heard the buzz of the refs whistle, she nodded at her coach as they made silent eye contact.

As the other teammates huddled closer and cheered, she walked to the end line.

The line judge rolled y/n the volleyball before getting back into position to watch the court and make a ruling should it be required.

Instead of looking towards the crowd to see her boyfriend, she briefly glanced at her coach to check where he wanted her to serve.

Upon seeing him hiding two fingers from the other team with his clipboard blocking his hand from the net, she nodded once and turned her eyes back to the ball.

She knew the crowd would be cheering, something that drove her crazy during the games when the team serving had their own fan section yelling.

Most spectators who’d been to enough games or knew the sport better knew it was often best to be quiet for your team during the serve and loud when the other team was cheering.

But it was never truly silent as no matter what, someone didn’t know this.

And it being so early in the season, it certainly had to be very loud as no one had realized the trend yet.

But she knew Jere would be quiet for her.

He and Conrad would usually even try and shush people sometimes when it was an intense serving point.

Jeremiah had played a bit of volleyball himself casually during the summers.

Conrad, as always was more competitive with his playing of volleyball.

But both played football outside of summer, not volleyball.

That was y/N’s sport.

But their experiences helped them be great supporters and spectators for the matches.

Nonetheless, Yn was able to block out all of the support from everyone when needed.

Sure, that sounds weird.

But her mind could make it quiet, as if she was simply at practice just her, the net and her volleyball.

She was truly grateful for that skill tonight.

When the up ref blew his whistle to signal that she could begin her serve, she relied on her habitual response to begin and get prepared.

As she felt her auditory senses shut down unconsciously, she took a deep breath and then looked down at her feet as she bounced the ball exactly three times.

She narrowed her eyes on the volleyball as she steadied it in her out stretched y/n-d/h (your non-dominant hand).

Keeping with her typical routine, she spun the ball slightly until the brand/logo was facing her and perfectly centered.

She took another deep breath as she dropped her arm minimally and tossed the ball upwards.

With no sounds reverberating in her mind despite them being present to all others, she focused on watching the toss.

As it came down to the correct point, she began her quick approach towards it.

She let out the breath she was holding as her feet landed back on the floor and the ball crossed over the tape on the net.

The sounds of the gym came back to her effortlessly as she unconsciously adjusted her focus again.

However, it wasn’t needed.

For, the ball had been shanked out of the court by the receiving player on the opposing team.

The cheers she heard around her were such a stark contrast to the self imposed silence she had moments before.

She smiled and let her teammates pat her on the back and offer her congratulations on her way back to the end line.

She remained friendly but truly wasn’t listening anymore, already ready to repeat her previous behaviors.

Jeremiah smiled to himself as he watched Y/n side eye glance at their coach as she stood at the end line again.

He silently fiddled with his fingers inside the pocket of his hoodie as y/n took notice of her coaches two fingers on the clipboard and then their coach’s signal to do a short serve.

Jeremiah held his breath in anticipation as she turned her gaze back to the game.

He knew zone serving was already a skill not everyone had.

But that combined with a specific area of the zone was increasing the pressure.

And he knew his girl well enough to know she was feeling said pressure.

However, he let out his held breath as the ball tipped over the net and landed on the floor just on the other side of the net.

The crowd, Jeremiah included, errupted in excitement at the seemingly easily earned point.

Y/n wasn’t ready to celebrate yet though, and he knew why.

There was one more point to go.

They were only up by one and needed to be up by two to win

He watched as y/n glanced over to the other teams coach, waiting to see if they’d call a time out.

Sure enough, she was right in her expectation.

The other coach quickly signaled to the ref for a time out.

Y/n rolled the ball back to the line judge as she made her way to the benches.

Her coach encouraged her to drink some water as he reminded his team to be ready for the ball to come back over after the serve and not be standing around unprepared.

Y/n haphazardly tossed her bottle back down as she toon in his words.

“Y/n, just go back there and do your thing. No matter what, we fight until the ball hits the floor. But, let’s just end this game and go home alright?” He asked looking at Y/n

She nodded and she and her teammates cheered each other on.

——

Y/n nearly toppled over as her teammates rushed her upon winning the last point.

It hadn’t been off her serve, but rather off a back row attack she made during the last play of the long rally that took place after her serve.

Y/n smiled widely, excited to have won and proud of her performance tonight.

But her eyes nonetheless scanned for Jeremiah as the fans began to enter the court.

Suddenly she felt herself lifted into the air, a screech leaving her lips in surprise.

However, she quickly realized whose hands they were and giggled as he set her on his shoulders.

After a few short moments of celebration, Jeremiah set her down so she could go do the end routine of the game, such as acknowledging the other team and talking with her coach and team.

Yet when she left the team meeting and returned to the gym, she was again swung up into the air and spin around.

Jeremiah smiled widely at her as he spun in circles making her laugh.

He set her down and steadied her as he exclaimed, “you killed it y/n/n!”

She grinned shyly and walked into his embrace as she talked with him and a few other spectators.

—— Time Skip ——

“Stop telling me no” Jeremiah teased, tickling y/n.

She laughed and squirmed against his side but didn’t let go of the hold she had on his waist.

“Now, I’m going to try it again,” he huffed, smirking down at her as she cuddled against him as they walked to his car, “you were incredible tonight babe”.

As she opened her mouth to argue, he paused and turned slightly to give her a stern look; well as stern of one the constantly bubbly boy could manage.

She clicked her tongue and sighed, “fine, thank you Jere”.

Jeremiah rolled his eyes, “your team won the game y/n/n”.

“I know” she agreed, shrugging slightly as they resumed walking.

“Okay, I’m not Conrad. I don’t understand this whole ‘we won but I’m not happy’ thing” Jeremiah teased, but she could sense the slight disappointment he had over not knowing how to help and thinking Conrad would’ve.

She was the one to stop their departure this time, turning to face him and cupping his cheeks with her hands.

“I am very happy about that Jerebear, I love your positivity” she began, his cheeks becoming rosy at the nickname as he smiled bashfully.

“And I know I should just be happy, but I can’t help but see ways I could’ve done better” she explained softly with a small shrug to show him it wasn’t that belig of a deal.

“Like what?” Jeremiah asked, leaning further into her left palm.

She smiled at how adorable he was and hummed as she confided an example, “I missed most of my hits tonight Jere”.

He shrugged, “everyone has an off day”.

She nodded softly and gave him a thankful grin.

“Besides your off day is still far better than anyone’s normal day” he whispered, not wanting to start things with the players still leaving the gym behind them.

She laughed and genuinely smiled widely at him as she bit her bottom lip, “thank you handsome”.

He smirked, “that’s what I’m here for!”

As she opened her mouth to respond, she was once again cut off.

But this time not by an attempted glare from her boyfriend, but rather the sound of her empty stomach.

Jeremiah’s eyebrows shot upwards and he smirked again.

“Well, that and, that”. He said pointing to her stomach.

Her hands left his face as she crossed her arms over her stomach and giggled.

Jeremiah smiled and shook his head, tugging one of her hands back into his, “come on, let’s get you your victory dinner!”

Jeremiah pushed the plate of fries closer to y/n as he sipped on his drink.

She glanced up at him with a smile as she took another fry.

He silently pulled his phone out and took a picture, laughing as she scoffed at him.

“I had a fry halfway in my mouth!” She gasped.

Jeremiah shrugged, “still looked down right beautiful to me”.

She grinned, flattered, as he smirked at her.

“It doesn’t go on Snapchat though” she warned, tossing a fry at him.

He picked up the fry as it bounced off his chest and onto the table, quickly dropping it in his mouth with a satisfied grin.

“Nah, just my collection” he promised.

She didn’t even have to ask, she learned years ago before they even started dating that Jeremiah had a little folder of photos he’d taken of her over time that she had requested not be shared with others.

It ranged from her giving him an over dramatic smile whilst in bright pink braces, her poor attempt at being mad at Steven over something she doesn’t even recall having happened, and up to things like tonight where she had a fry hanging out of her mouth.

He loved them all as he claimed they showed all sides of her.

And while he wanted to show her off to the world, feeling she deserved all the attention, he selfishly didn’t mind keeping them private.

This way he knew her in a way no one else did, and he loved that.

Y/n finished a few more fries and then lifted her phone of the table to snap a photo of him.

Jeremiah merely held up his burger for the photo and grinned.

She giggled and looked at the picture, “now for a caption….”

Without missing a beat, Jeremiah mumbled, “dinner of champions” through the food he had in his mouth.

Y/n slapped her hand on her face as she shook her head, “you’re so freaking sweet”.

He laughed as he wiped his face with the napkin next to him before reaching over and grabbing her hand.

“I mean seriously,” she began before he could respond, “how are you this sweet and hot? It’s insane”.

Jeremiah laughed loudly as his dimples deepened and cheeks flushed crimson, his blue eyes alight with glee as he tried to calmly brush off the compliment.

“If one of the other girls ties to steal you I’m quitting the program” she said leaning over and sipping from his drink, “I’m dead serious”

Jeremiah shook his head, squeezing her hand, “no one could ever steal me from you y/n/n. I’ve loved you for years, gorgeous”.

She beamed, “I’m just saying, I will”.

He laughed and shook his head, “don’t quit, I like being on the sidelines for your games”.

“And I love you being there Jerebear, but I’m more protective than I am competitive” she smirked, “so if a bi-“

Jeremiah laughed and held his free hand over her lips, tenderly stroking her jaw with his thumb.

“you have my word, you’re the only one I want to be with and cheering on, babe” he swore, smiling at her.

—— Time Skip——

“Hey, have you seen y/n?” Jeremiah asked y/tm/n gleefully as he nearly ran into them on his third circle of the gym.

“Oh, hey,” y/tm/n laughed, “uhh yeah I did. I believe she’s still in the athletic room getting taped!”

Jeremiah tried to hide his concern and forced a kind smile and nodded at y/N’s teammate , “thanks y/tm/n”

“Of course, but just so you know, we’ll be staring warm ups soon” she warned, as if he wasn’t already aware

That’s precisely what had him worried.

It wasn’t uncommon for her to go to the trainer and get her shoulder tapped as she often over did it and would strain the muscle.

But, that usually only took a few minutes and was so routine she would get it done as soon as she got to the gym and not this close to her match.

Just in case she was advised to ice before hand for swelling, so it had time to safely warm back up before their actual warm ups.

Plus, he knew she had her shoulder taped the day before last, prior to the last game and the tape used for her shoulder lasted several days.

So he tried, but failed, not to sprint down the hall to the training room.

As he slid to a stop in the doorway, his eager eyes found her instantly.

She was sitting up on one of the med tables, propping her leg up as the main trainer was apply athletic tape to her knee.

He stood awkwardly in the door, knowing as he didn’t go to the same school nor was he an injured player, he didn’t have a permission to enter.

However, one of younger players from the lower team spotted him and called for y/N’s attention.

Jeremiah sighed and mouthed sorry to y/n as she turned to face him.

She shook her head softly and smiles to say it was okay

After examining what stage the trainer was at with the tape she looked back at Jeremiah and held up one finger with the offer of another small smile.

He nodded eagerly and took a few steps out of the doorway so someone else could come and go if needed and instead rested against the bricks next to the sign to the room.

As she stepped out into the hall, he promptly spun to face her, his hands instantly finding her upper biceps as he glanced at her knee worriedly.

“Jere” she giggled, “it’s not a big deal! I’m okay I promise”.

He nodded slowly as he looked back up at her, “then..?”

She kissed his cheek softly, “you know how my knees are. I just was helping jv warm up and it must’ve twisted wrong”.

“Are you okay?” He asked his eyes widening again.

She giggled and stoked his cheek, “yes honey, I just said I’m fine. Relax. Besides I’ve had worse”.

The unamused look he gave her made her sigh softly, “Jeremiah, I promise you, I’m okay. I iced immediately and it’s had time to warm up since then so I don’t do the ball handling drills cold, and y/t/n taped it to add support, plus the knee pads should offer protection too.”.

He let out a sigh of relief as he took in her words.

“You’re still going to play?” He asked, not as a judgment nor in disappointment, but just to be sure.

“I was cleared, I’ll be careful though” she assured him with a smile.

He nodded, “no, I - that’s great, I’m glad you’re playing”.

“Why wouldn’t she be?” Conrad’s voice called out as he suddenly appeared behind his brother.

“Oh, hey Con” she greeted him with a hug.

Jere pointed at her knee, the tape sticking out of her knee pad .

“Oof” Conrad commented, “probably shouldn’t say break a leg then huh?”

Jeremiah smacked the back of his brother’s head, “that’s not even for sports, you ass”.

Y/n giggled before kindly excusing herself to go to her team.

Conrad rolled his eyes as he watched his brother cautiously watching the way Y/n landed each time, making sure her knee wasn’t twisting wrong or buckling under her as she landers.

“What would you even do?” Con teased.

Jeremiah turned to him as the next point was awarded, “What?”

“If something did happen, what would you do? Rush the court to carry her to the trainer five feet away?” Conrad joked, trying to get him to relax.

“I don’t know man, shut up” Jere replied with an embarrassed laugh as he realized he was being perhaps a bit over protective.

“That was impressive!” Conrad greeted as Jeremiah cautiously set Y/n back on the ground, eyes watching her knee the whole time.

She smiled, squeezing her boyfriend’s arm to calm him as she thanked Conrad.

“I’ll go get your bag” Jeremiah offered, kissing her cheek before going to grab her stuff she’d set by her chair prior to the match.

Y/n watched him greet her teammates that were still around after the meeting as he grabbed her bag.

Turning to his brother she pursed her lips, “how was he?”

“How do you think?” Conrad smirked, but when he saw the guilt on her face he laughed softly to break the tension.

“He’s fine, just cautious” Conrad added, “don’t worry”.

She sighed softly and nodded, looking down at her leg, “probably shouldn’t mention it’s throbbing right now then”.

“Do you need the trainer?” Con asked, eyes on her knee just as Jere’s had been all night.

“No, no, it’s expected. I just need to ice when I get back and -“ she began

Suddenly her bag was sitting beside her on the ground as she took in a gasp of air when her boyfriend lifted her up upon his return.

“Jere!” She giggled as she coughed her breath

“I heard you” he advised, raising an eyebrow at her as he secured his arms under her, “Con, can you get her bag?”

She rolled her eyes softly, “I don’t need carried though”.

“Hmmm, I disagree, can’t have my girl in more pain, now let’s get you home?” Jeremiah questioned softly.

“Jesus babe, what part of you isn’t taped?” Jeremiah huffed as he stood before her.

She glanced up from the bench as she finished adding another band of tape to her lower knuckle.

“Hey cutie” she blew a kiss before going back to her task.

“Let me” he offered, kneeling and taking the tape from her.

As she held her hand out to him, he focused intently on having the applied tape securely support her fingers without being too tight for circulation.

She smiled at him as the tip of his tongue peaked out against his bottom lip slightly as he focused so deeply.

“Thank you handsome” she replied as he looked up upon finishing taping her hand.

He nodded with a smile, placing a kiss to her knuckles before letting go of her hand.

“Mmm, I know that look” he said, still kneeling before her as she sat on the bench.

She forced a smile and he sighed with a raised eyebrow to show he wasn’t convinced.

“Coach y/c/n was getting on us. Practice last night didn’t go well and now he’s mad and worried we won’t do well” she sighed.

Jere nodded, “and now you’re having to convince everyone to be positive while he’s being a grump?”

She giggled softly and nodded, “yeah, pretty much. But to make it worse, if we lose this game…”

“You don’t go to districts” he said, completing her sentence for her.

She nodded with a sad sigh, “no pressure right?”

“Honey, just focus on playing your best and having fun. The rest will follow. I know they’re a good team “ he said seeing the look in her eyes, “but so is yours. Most important thing is you enjoy the game. If it ends up being the last, you don’t want it to be made worse by not having at least enjoyed it”

She hugged him and nodded against his shoulder, “you’re right, thank you sunshine”.

Tightening her ponytail in frustration, she glanced to the crowd to look for Jeremiah.

He gave her a sympathetic curl of his lips and nodded in silent understanding.

She sighed and turned back to game.

“Okay..” she whispered.

Her teammate heard and quietly agreed, “yeah..”

Y/n threw herself across the gym floor in a futile attempt to go for a ball that certainly wasn’t hers.

She wanted to cry in frustration as she watched the ball hit the floor several inches away from her outstretched hand.

The blow of the ref’s whistle made her close her eyes to keep calm as she stood back up.

She felt her knee and shoulder scream from the inelegant way she had gone after the last ball.

But she resisted the temptation to sit down on the bench and call it quits.

She instead, took a shaky breath through the pain and focused on the other side of the net; not brave enough to see if Jere had noticed her pain.

Y/n still had her head hung when Jeremiah reached her.

She’d minimally acknowledged the teammates who’d all patted her back given her seemingly frozen posture upon their loss.

Their coach wasn’t known for handling losses well and tonight was another reminder of that.

As captain, she already felt responsible but even more so after his inappropriate screaming over their loss.

So when Jeremiah reached her and placed his hands on her back, she barley noticed.

However, she opened her eyes upon feeling the warmth and texture of the hand she knew so well seeping through her jersey.

She saw his shoes before her as his hand rubbed her back.

When she calmed down some, she was able to now hear he’d been whispering soft words of encouragement to her.

She leaned back and looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

“Oh y/n/n, no, please don’t cry” he pleaded as he dropped to his knees before her and wiped them away with his thumb.

“I’m sorry Jere,” she mumbled.

“You don’t need to apologize for crying Y/n. I just don’t want you feeling like this is all” Jeremiah explained kindly.

“No, I’m not apologizing for crying Jere” she argued quietly.

He rose an eyebrow at her, “why then?”

“We,…I, lost” y/n reminded him.

“So? It’s not on you , and even if it were, why apologize to me?” Jeremiah pondered aloud.

She sniffled, “you came all this way to support me and we didn’t even-“

“Hey now,” he took a deep breath, “babe, I’m here for you; win or loss. I didn’t come here to see you win. I came hear to see you. That’s all “.

“Are you sure?” She whispered wearily.

“Extremely” Jeremiah declared.

She smiled tenderly and touched his cheek, making him smile.

“I’ll always be on your side no matter what.” He assured her.

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[swanhaze]

KISSES ON THE BEACH — conrad fisher x reader

warnings: swearing, angst, fluff, pt2 of on the beach

the tweets from the birds fill the girls ears meaning that it was time for a new day, she didn’t want to get up just yet, not ready to face anyone, so she pulled the blanket over her face just for it to pulled off her a couple seconds later.

“wake up sweetheart.” the tone was sarcastic and she knew who it was immediately, couldn’t he just leave her alone? yn remembered everything from the party last night and she was embarrassed, embarrassed that she let herself get to that point, embarrassed that she basically exposed herself to the person that she loves, her best friends ex.

she groans reaching for the blanket only for him to hold it out of her reach, “conrad, give me like five minutes.” yn says getting up from the floor to get the blanket out his hands, a wave hits her and she now remembers how much alcohol she had last night, she could really go for Jeremiah’s smoothie’s right about now.

he shakes his head, balling up the blanket and holding it above his head and out of yn’s reach, “nope,you need to wake up.”

“I’m awake right now aren’t I?” she says tugging on his arm, “just give me five minutes, do you see how hung over I am right now?”

“and who’s fault is that?” he asks tauntingly, “we also need to talk.” his face now becoming serious.

yn finally tugs the blanket out of his hand and decides to fold the blanket, “talk about what?” she knows exactly what he’s talking about.

“you know what I’m talking about yn.” he sighs frustrated, “don’t even try to act like last night didn’t happen.” he starts his eyes not leaving her, “you said a lot and did a lot, and we need to talk about this because it doesn’t just affect you, it affects me as well.”

she just shakes her head walking over to the corner of the room to put down the blanket, she didn’t want to talk about it, she didn’t want to be put in another vulnerable situation.

“can you go back to being a jerk who doesn’t know how to communic-?”

“yn!” the familiar voice cuts yn off and she stands rigid, she looks at conrad in shock, “laurel is here?” she whisper shouts at him.

“belly called her.” he shrugs scratching the back of his neck, remembering the reason why he woke up yn in the first place.

“of course she did.” yn whispers to herself, can this whole summer get any worse?

“conrad I told you to wake her up to help clean, what’s taking so long?” the voice shouts up the stairs again.

yn smiles realizing this is an opportunity to avoid having a certain conversation with conrad, “I guess duty calls.” yn shrugs, brushing past the taller boy.

“yn-” he tries to call out but she’s already out the room.

taylor held her bag over her shoulder as she set her sharp gaze on yn, who leaned against one of the walls, “what?” she whispered to the blonde.

“I think you should talk to belly.” taylor said straightforwardly raising her hands when yn opens her mouth to protest, “I’ll be leaving and you won’t have me to stick beside the whole time.” she saying pointing down the stairs.

“I don’t understand why I have to talk to her.” yn shrugs, “I’ve been fine this whole year.”

“yn I heard about last night.” taylor sighs, “as someone who actually goes to therapy, this isn’t healthy at all, I understand you and that’s why I took your side.” she lets out a deep sigh, “but I miss when we were a trio I miss having both of by best friends.”

“Taylor just because you miss our friend group doesn’t mean I have to forgive and forget things with belly, she hurt me, she betrayed me, I trusted her the most when it came to my feelings for him.” yn says angrily.

“I understand that yn, but I just want you to talk to her, you don’t have to be besties, but please talk to her, for me?” Taylor says clasping her hands together.

yn rolls her eyes as her friend gives her puppy dog eyes, “I’ll think about it…”

“yes!”

“don’t get to excited let’s get you to the door and out of my sight.”

“this is so disgusting.” yn says to herself as she looks out the window only to witness steven kissing taylor, she hears a familiar laugh and a presence beside her, “tell me about it.” she turns only to come face to face with belly.

out of instinct yn face falls and she gets ready to turn around and walk away from the window but then she remembers taylor’s words, “belly?” she says quietly.

“hum.” the brunette hums turning to face yn.

“we need to talk.”

“we do.” belly says playing with her hands, “you go first.”

“okay..” yn trails off preparing herself for some vulnerability, something she’s not a fan of, “belly you were my best friend, you are my best friend.” she starts, “you knew how much of a crush I had on conrad , I told you everything I knew about him and all my feelings for him, just for me to see you guys kissing on the beach.” yn says tearfully, “I honestly just want to know why? why did you do that to me.”

belly’s gaze stills for a couple of moments before and nods and takes a deep breath, “I-I loved him yn.” she starts,cringing when you roll your eyes, “I loved him as long as you have but before I got a chance to tell you, you already told me about your feelings for him and I knew just from then that my chances with him was slim to none, you’re so pretty and smart and make the best decisions that I knew conrad had to like you back.” belly says inching closer to you.

“and he did, he does.” belly said wiping a year from her eye, “and before I say this promise me yn you won’t be more mad then you already are.”

“I can’t promise that.” yn says shaking her head, she doesn’t know what belly is about to say but she knows it’s gonna be bad just by the look on her face.

“yn, promise me.”

yn reluctantly nodded, knowing to well that she doesn’t mean it, “I promise.”

“okay..” belly starts again, “I decided during to spring before the summer of last year, to call conrad and check in.” yn raised her brow at this, “he didn’t say much, he didn’t seem in the mood which is understandable now, but he did mention that he was excited to see you.”

yn tries her best to fight down the smile and tries to make its way to her face at the last sentence as nods for belly go continue.

“and that hurt me so much, because I knew that, that summer was gonna be different for me and for you, there was this feeling in my chest that told me that you and conrad were gonna end up together but I didn’t want that.” belly says more tears running down her face, “so I told conrad that you were excited for come to the beach house as well cause this would be the summer that you would confess your feelings to jeremiah.”

yn feels like her chest is heavy, she can’t breathe, “what?”

“I’m so sorry yn.” belly cries taking both of your hands in hers, your to shock to even pull away, “I just loved him so much that I became selfish and it got in the way of both yours and his happiness.”

“belly..” yn says trying to fight back her tears, “why? why did you do that?”

“I’m sorry.” belly cries, “please yn I love you so much you’re my best friend and I hate myself for what I did to you and how I’ve been acting, this is just all so fucked .”

“belly..” yn starts, “I don’t think I can forgive you, you’re right this is all so fucked up.”

“I know and I don’t blame you, and I don’t know what to do.” belly sniffs as she wipes her tears, “but I can do this, please talk to conrad yn, he is so in love with you, he’s head over heals in love with you, all he thinks about is you even when we were dating, he was so worried about you because of how distant you had been.” belly says rushingly.

“I don’t know…”

“do you know what susannah had said to me when we visited her before she did?” belly asks and you shake your head, “she said tell yn to take care of my older boy.”

this is what makes yn cry, tears rush to her eyes and all she can do is lean into belly, “she knew that you and conrad were meant to be, I know that you and conrad are meant to be, but I was to selfish to admit it to myself, so please yn please talk to him and be happy I want you to be happy.” belly says wrapping her arms around yn.

“you’re the sister that I never had and I can’t believe I let a boy get between us, so talk to him yn.” belly says unwrapping her arms from yn, “just know that I love you no matter what, I don’t care if you hate me and never want to talk to me again, I will always be here.”

all yn can do is nod.

“so talk to him yn, I think he’s on the beach.” and with that belly is gone up the stairs.

the ocean breeze hits yn as she walks through the sand and towards the older boy who sits in front of the water, she’s gonna talk to him, she’s gonna put her heart on the line.

she lets out a deep sigh as she takes a seat beside him on the sand, “what a morning huh?”

he looks shocked to see her, “yeah…” he nods, “uh, yn I know you don’t want to but we need to tal-”

“I know.” she cuts him off, “I’ve been doing a lot of that this morning.” she laughs to herself as he looks at her confused.

yn takes a deep breath before turning her gaze to his face, “conrad I’m in love with you, I’ve been in love with you practically my whole life.”

warmth comes to his cheeks as he nods urging her to continue.

“you dating belly hurt me a lot, because a little piece of me thought you liked me, but you ended up liking my best friend who also knew that I liked you.” yn says as she looks down at the sand, playing with it slightly.

“yn I didn’t kno-”

“I know con.” she says looking back up at him, “I know.”

conrad stands up holding his hand out to you to pull you up, as you take his hand your eyes never leave each other.

“yn I’ve been in love with you for a while.” he starts, “and when belly told me that you liked jeremiah, that hurt like crazy, cause just like you I thought you liked me but it turned out you liked my brother.” he says grabbing your hands. “belly comforted me about it and I thought maybe this will help me get over you but it didn’t.”

“because I’m so in love with you yn it’s unbelievable, words can’t even explain how much I love you.” he rambles pulling you closer to him by the loops of your shorts.

you smile feeling heat climb up your neck, “ I knew you were obsessed with me deep down.” you joke.

he laughs shaking his head at your joke, “so what do we do now?” you ask.

“yn you have my heart.” he starts, “so please don’t break it.”

a smile makes it way to your face, “I won’t.” you whisper.before you pull him down by the strings of his sweater, pressing your lip’s gently onto his.

you feel him smile as he grabs both sides of her face, deepening the kiss.

he pulls away for a second, “don’t break it I mean it.” he says before pulling you back into a kiss again.

you won’t, you’re gonna take care of his just as much as he will take care of yours.

taglist: @bakugou-luva @elcpsstuff @spencerstits @chocolatefartstrawberry @vict688 @amysangel @junnnileee07 @tvije @fearlessmoony @starkeylover @wishyouwere-sober @sublimepenguinpeach-blog

[grapejuicestyless]

i’m rlly sad summers gone but like I have a winter request for conrad so we good !!

fem reader (conklinnn ofc) and conrad used to date but then had a messy breakup so now everyone is in college and yn doesn’t have anywhere to go because everyone is off doing something for winter break so she takes stevens car and drives down to the summer house and conrad shows up a day later and she’s freaking out. They both stay there the whole week and romantic feelings and nostalgia builds up again 🤌🏻

you can add some of your own stuff too because your soooo creative and your work is golden!! thank you:)

Peace.

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Angst to fluff!

Summery: After a hard loss, both in a relationship and with the severing of the ties of her past, Y/n must learn to let go in order to gain what she so desperate wants back.

Snowfall is always overlooked. People see it as more of an inconvenience than as a gift. Each little white flake falling from the sky seems like nothing more than a mushy ball of frozen water made to block the roads and keep kids out of school, but the closer you look the more complex they are.

What was once so horrible becomes something beautiful, something unique. There is no other thing like it, each flake is different even by one branch in the pattern. It’s sad how many people are so quick to dismiss it and pout out their windows. White was never their favorite color and the cold was never their favorite temperature.

At this time of year, I usually considered myself lucky. I had a family who cherished each snowfall and a mother who would have hot-coco ready on the table for when our red cheeks and icy hair would become too much and we would finally come back inside to melt and warm up again. Each winter break my younger siblings, Steven and Belly would be attached at my hip. Having an older sister who only grew more and more, our time together always felt limited. So we spent each day in the living room. Playing the Wii with Steven and Barbies with Belly. I would read with my mom and cook with my dad. It was all so perfect. My favorite time of the year.

I used to joke with Conrad that college didn’t hold the same amount of excitement around the season because people were just as bitter and cold all year round. I called him cold hearted too because he thought it was funny. He laughed and kissed me then. I wonder if he would laugh now. Even if we no longer shared a stocking and cozied up by the fireplace impossibly close declaring our quiet loves for each other. I wonder if he still thinks fondly of the winter like I do now that it’s tainted with old memories of us.

Usually, during the winter I would drive down to Boston. It took some convincing for Laurel to allow her daughter to drive so far in such intense weather, but she knew where my heart belonged. It was the holidays and she was just as jolly as the rest of us, so she would always agree. There, I would bring gifts for all the Fishers. I didn’t have enough money to afford gifts and college, so everything was homemade. Every year I would apologize, but Susannah and Conrad always claimed to love it. Jeremiah wouldn’t say anything, but the smile on his face was always genuinely happy, so I think he liked them just as much.

Conrad would take my mitten clad hands after. Even covered in thick wool he managed to clasp his hands fully around mine, eager to get me alone. We’d slip away into his room, my cheeks red and eyelashes covered in snowflakes and his eyes wide and smile full. Behind closed doors, we could be as affectionate as we wanted without gags of jealousy disguised as disgust from Jeremiah or swooning from Susannah over how cozy we looked.

I remember how I believed my hips were made with dips so his hands could fit perfectly in them. How his arm rested on my waist so tight, I didn’t need a blanket because he kept me warm. No fireplace or layers of coats could light the flames in my heart and keep me warm in the coldest winters like Conrad could.

He said summer was his favorite season when he met me, but now he favored winter because it reminded him of me. I asked what would happen if something were to happen to us, just to tease him then. He got serious, I still remember the look on his face when he told me I would always be his favorite thing. How winter would forever remind him of me and no matter what, nothing could change that fact.

It was our own little secret oasis. A utopia of our own confined within the four walls of his childhood bedroom. When it snowed, we’d play in the snow like children and when it stormed we’d make forts to watch our favorite winter movies. It was a dream I never wanted to end, I was foolish to think it wouldn’t.

By spring, it felt like he was tired of me, of who I was. No amount of effort could keep Conrad beside me. I became someone he wasted his time on rather than someone he begged to be around. My skin was like fire to his touch, his eyes avoidant. It all came to a head when I broke down in late May.

“Why, why am I not enough?” I begged him then, I wanted to know what my problem was. Why I couldn’t be more than what I was now. Why we couldn’t go back.

He shrugged his shoulders, looking past my left shoulder. He looked distant. He knew it just as well as I did, we were walking on eggshells.

“Because you’re just not.” His words were bitter, knives stabbing me through the heart and ripping out. There was no reason, he didn’t even try to make the gashes in my heart better.

“Bullshit. I do everything for you! I give you everything!” It came out more as a question than a statement. I wasn’t as sure about what I once believed so firmly now that Conrad was showing how he felt.

“I guess it wasn’t enough then.” His eyes were watering. We were already talking in the past tense, we were over. He didn’t have to say it, neither did I. It was as clear as the freckles on his face, there was no amount of mending that could pull us back together.

In my mind I could only remember those final words we spoke to each other. The first hour of our long argument was washed from my mind for my own sake. What should’ve been tattooed permanently in my brain was gone the second we were over. Maybe if I could remember it fully, each insult and every word he used to put me down and make me feel small, I would’ve been able to feel justified in my anger. I could talk shit with my friends, shit on him to my mother. But even in my heartache, I couldn’t find reasons to be mad at him.

Conrad always went through so much on his own. It would be selfish of me to believe that he was completely okay when things ended. It was messy and sudden the way it happened. He was the biggest dick to me, but I couldn’t blame him for what he did. Not then, not now. Part of me still loved him. Part of me would still die for him in secret. He was my first love, all I knew when it came to my feelings. I let him rule my heart, my decisions. I didn’t show up to Cousins that summer.

Now that it was over, no ties binding us together, no overbearing reason to drive down to Boston for the weeks leading up to the holidays where we’d all finally be together again, I have no where to go. Steven was old enough to be on his own now, a freshman at Princeton. One of his rich friends had dropped by within the first twenty four hours to drag him off to his families vacation home. I hadn’t even set up the Wii yet. Belly, my littlest sibling who I adored more than anyone else I knew was more distant than Steven. The stress of deciding between Finch and Jeremiah or some state school with the guarantee of being on volleyball was eating her alive. Back then, I would’ve told her not to lose sight of her dreams and life because of some boy, but here I was doing the same thing. I stayed quiet and let her decide what she wanted.

My mom was gone just like Steven. Away to talk about her book with other critically acclaimed writers and producers. My dad was out of the picture. He wouldn’t be back until Christmas morning. He was never really present after the divorce, but he’s a good man and he tries his best. He just works a lot. It hurts to not be able to enjoy the holidays like I used to, but I can respect why everyone’s away.

Somehow, I end up in Stevens drivers seat. I’ve never had a car of my own. While Steven spent weeks searching the internet for a cheep car, I spent my time studying for finals and applying to colleges. I never had the time. He gave me his keys before he left. He said I could take his car anywhere I wanted as long as I didn’t ruin it. Each dent in it, I would owe him ten bucks. It wasn’t much, but to a struggling college student, ten dollars in my bank account might as well have been him asking for hundreds.

“Belly, I’m heading out. Call me if you need me, okay? I might not be back for awhile.” The words I chose were ominous. I didn’t tell her where I was going, why I was going or how long I’d be exactly, but she didn’t care enough to ask. So I climbed into Stevens car and let my playlist shuffle. I imagine myself in the situations my favorite artists write about and sing along like I can relate to their upper class parties and juvenile activities. It keeps my mind off of where I’m going.

It’s not like I got in the car set on heading to the one place that once swore to never step foot near again, but when I recognize the signs on the highway pointing me in the same direction, I’m suddenly set on it.

The sting of the breakup lingered like a tattooed kiss, a reminder of something so special that was now gone. I wouldn’t let him ruin the place that was once so special to our families.

Pulling up to that driveway, I remember how the weeds would grow over the gravel by July and how Steven and Jeremiah would stay out for hours plucking at them to make Susannah happy. How the grass held the imprints of our small bodies rolling around the hills and daffodils. The sand was forever glued into the fabric of our favorite t-shirts and the salt air is what we smelled of until December washed it away.

We were always so close here. Despite the rifts and the problems that happened between us. Not blow out fight or silent treatment could ever separate the Conklin’s and the Fishers from each other for long.

I looked back on how I felt at home. How together was something that I never even questioned. Steven would be by the fireplace yelling at the television and Belly would be begging him to quiet down. Laurel would be curled up in the corner scribbling things into a notepad and dad would try to sneakily move the elf on the shelf.

We were older now. The wii wasn’t all that special and Belly longed for the chaos she once hated. Steven preferred his friends and mom and dad fell out of love so mom could learn to love her work more.

I pulled into the large house through the garage. I knew the code by heart, it was my phone passcode. I figured that if I wanted to stay attached to homeliness so badly I could be where I learned what love was the best.

In my head, even now I always believed that no matter how long it would go untouched, the summer home would always be bright and warm. Smelling of Susannah’s candles and Belly’s sticky iced teas.

Stepping through the front door, it was dark and cold. My breath was less visible than in the outside, but the light and heat didn’t bounce from wall to wall like it always did.

It took me a few minutes to find the correct switch to turn up the heat. I cranked it until my socks burned on my feet and a sweat covered the top of my forehead. It was comfortable, I could sink into my own chunky sweater.

It was my mothers, the blue and white striped sweater I wore. She was gifted it by Susannah in their late college years but it never quiet fit her because she was so short. It fit big, but it didn’t sag at my knees or gather at my wrists as much. It smelled like my mom and reminded me of Pennsylvania skies.

The warmth from the heat and the comfort from my clothes set me in a slump, my eyes drooped. I hadn’t even turned on any lights yet, hadn’t gone up to my room to make the bed. I was sat in place on the permanently indented couch. Though my body curled into the spot where I always laid during movie nights, my head fell where Conrad’s lap would’ve been. To imagine we were all just as happy, as close made me feel fuzzy. If I tried hard enough I could even hear his voice. Calling for me, like a dream.

The sun peaked through the windows and the dust that collected on the once neatly kept glass projected tiny shadows and spots across the hardwood floor. The couch was warm with my body heat and other than the faint whisper of the wind, it was peaceful.

A melodic whistle blowed through the open gap between the living room and the kitchen. It was smooth yet broke when the song grew too high for the deeper voice that carried the tune.

Rubbing at my eyes, my feet swung out from under my thighs, I wiped away any drool or signs of slumber. Still, clearing my complexion did not rid my body of the tired achey feeling and the small blurring of my vision. My brain was following behind my body, every caution sign to who was here at this time thrown to the wind.

Mugs clanked together clumsily, my nose burned with the strong scent of coffee beans. It was chillier in the morning here than how I had left it at night, I could feel the tip of my nose turning red and growing colder.

A taller boy stood hunched over the countertops, a spoon clinking around softly as he stirred around something in the mug. His shirt hung loose on his body but his pants fit just right.

His hair was wavy, but only just at the ends. Under the strong smells of early morning caffeine, I could faintly still pick up the scent of sea salt and a spice I couldn’t name. It was vanilla like but also had a lingering smell of oak and woods. It was my favorite smell.

“Conrad..?” It clicked in my brain that the handsome boy hanging around the summer home wasn’t some pick me up sent from heaven. The reason behind my instant admiration for such a simple, domestic task was because of how well I knew and once loved the boy. The name fell from my lips quietly, like I couldn’t believe it was true.

Spinning around, I met his blue eyes. I watched his lips twitch, fighting against some kind of emotion from spreading across his face and the light in his eyes falter. He looked blank, unaware of how his lack of enthusiasm of our reuniting was crushing me inside.

“Figured you’d want coffee.” He was right. He still knew me like the back of his own hand and that was the worst part. I hadn’t changed, I never would. He would always know me and it hurt to know I trusted him like that at one point just for him to leave. He even made it in my favorite mug.

A light blue ceramic mug that still had Belly and Conrad’s fingerprints in the clay and visible brush strokes across the top. They made it for me when we were still little. It was my favorite gift from her because they made it as an apology. For breaking my old vase I made for my mom in art class. They meant to harm and felt horrible, I cherished their kindness more than anything.

“No…no. I’m all set.” Crossing my arms and clearing my throat, I set my eyes on the ground and leaned against the doorframe on the wall. We didn’t speak after that, he didn’t move. Sucking in his lips, I heard him sigh almost disappointedly.

“So…” He tried to start, I was too scared to listen. Not of him, god I could never be scared of him. But of what he could want to say.

My eyes flicked over the dents in the floor, I discovered marks I hadn’t seen before. Just when I thought I had everything memorized. When I thought I knew everything, when I thought I knew him.

“You know, uhm…I think I’m going to settle in.” Nodding at him quickly, I all but ran to the stairs. My hands gripped at the banister so quickly, I felt skin pull skin. It tore just under my fingers beginning, the top of my palm. I swore I heard him call after me, but maybe it was the ringing in my ears.

I came here to get away. In search of some solace, I grasped at the tattered strands of my childhood to find that I had held on too long. In my own journey, by some sort of fate, I dragged along a deeper part of those memories with me.

I spent that morning stowed away in my bedroom. I left the door ajar. The air was chilly still, and the air dusty. The heat had rarely been used. Only on the rare occasions in which Susannah would find reason to escape down to the beautiful town of Cousins. Simply to watch the early snowfalls or sparkling lights decorating the center of the town. Usually when I would get settled into my own room in the summer home, each knickknack would be thrown carelessly over the bureau top and shoved in the forever empty bedside table drawers. I would procrastinate making my bed last. I hated the damned fitted sheets and the wrinkles I couldn’t flatten for days. I hated the way that the corners never stayed. My body stretched as far as it would go, yet I could never quiet hook the fabric far enough to keep it settled.

Today was no different. My blood boiled the same, but it mixed with an unfamiliar warmth. How endearing it was to be able to relive such a memorable moment of my summers again even after tragedy struck the once uniting household.

“Fuck.” The sheets flipped up. The full sized mattress was far too wide to allow my arms to stretch across the full width of its body and hook the corners over far enough to where they wouldn’t slip. Each move resulted in a different kind of release with the bedsheets. Each time I ended up wrapped up in the thin cotton sheets.

The clock ticking on my bedside table taunts me. Reminds me of how long I’ve been tangled around in my bed. If it weren’t so humiliating, I would’ve asked for help. But I created a mess. My feelings, one’s that Conrad had so clearly buried as he was able to be kind and cordial towards me while I panicked like a fish out of water. So I hop around from corner to corner desperate to finish my task.

“Y/n?” The name burns the way it rolls off of his tongue. Like even with me gone, he had practiced pronouncing it in the mirror, whispered it to himself each night. It was like we’d seen each other the day before, the way it came out. Breathless and light.

The moon hung over the house, illuminating thin strips of shine through the windows that led from the floor to the very bed I was sprawled across.

Sighing heavily, I threw my head back. Hair fell in front of my face, tickling the bridge of my nose. I saw Conrad hesitate. His hand flinched out from where it was tucked behind the doorframe. He set it on the white wood frame.

“Can I help?” It was innocent enough. Maybe he was sick of the sound of my knees rubbing against the mattress. Or the way I grunted every few minutes. I stumbled around my room all day fixing it up, I almost forgot how loud it could’ve been.

It felt sour to accept it. Even if it were as innocent and kind as it seemed. Conrad had a glimmer of hope in his eye and his lips upturned. He looked so handsome still, nose pinker from the slight chill and eyes still just as deep blue.

“No thank you.” I huffed. I tried to sound annoyed, something that was hard to do when you weren’t really all that annoyed at all. Resistant was the only similar thing I could place a name to. I saw the wag Conrad’s smile faltered, his eyes looming with a dark shadow, masking the vibrant sparkle.

“Come on, don’t be so stubborn, please? You’ve been at it for hours, just let me help.” Stubborn. Just like my mother and his. Each of us were always set to do things on our own. But this was far more than just genetics at this point. This was my own grudge I was holding. This was my pride and my responsibility over my emotions acting. No matter how nice the gesture, I still refused, gnashing my teeth.

“Oh, so suddenly you care?” It was a lot more mean than I meant it. I know how much Conrad cares. How much he always has. He doesn’t have the best way to show for it, but in the end you always know it. It was a mistake, an instant regret. I watched how his face contorted. He wasn’t just disappointed now, but genuinely hurt by my own dig at his insecurities.

His whole life, Conrad always feared he wasn’t enough. He couldn’t give enough, couldn’t be enough. He always talked himself down, creating a false standard in which everyone else was above him, out of his league. He was insecure. He didn’t need reassurance, he knew what kind of love was real and what was fake, but the fact that maybe I had thought the same crushed him. I could tell.

His silence hung over us so heavy, a knife could slice it. His jaw stuttered and his eyes blinked slow. A loss for words. I wish he could just yell at me. Fuel my fire, make me feel less bad about what I said. Less guilty about the fact I couldn’t get over us when he could. Conrad didn’t deserve my emotional daggers directed at his heart simply because we split. I know Conrad, I always have. His method of leaving was cruel, but the boys heart was in the right place always.

“Fuck!” The sheet snapped back. I had enough. In all seriousness, I should’ve stopped to talk to the boy who was so clearly hurt by the door. A girl, a guest in a house that once felt just as much as hers as his was there in a now occupied room throwing insults unprovoked when he was trying to be nice.

Standing, I stumbled past him clumsily again, taking a spare blanket that hung off the end of the bed with me. I couldn’t take it. His stares, the silence, the sheet, my own guilt, my thoughts. I needed to be out of that sickened room.

“Y/n…” Again, the call was faint. A whisper in my head whose only goal was to make me stop. I didn’t turn. It was unfair, the whole thing. To me, to Conrad. I decided to sleep on the couch.

My back ached. The plush cushioning under my back too soft, too worn in. A good remedy, a great place for a quick nap. But it hurt after more than a few hours. The fabric rubbed harshly, the pillows sunk in. My hips popped when I stood.

The sun was shining through the windows, air crisp. Heat finally reached all corners of the large house and the cob webs were finally swept away. The magic of summer wasn’t there, but it felt homely. A good alternative to the sad loneliness of my own bedroom at home.

The house was still, the kitchen untouched and an empty mug in the sink. It was stained in a ring from where the old drink had been and had little brown streaks from where the coffee dripped off of the sides. The counter tops were cold, despite the heat inside. The floor was quiet, there was no shuffling. It led me to believe that the only other occupant was still asleep.

Heading up the stairs, I picked at my old clothes. The discomfort came from multiple things. The way my clothes stuck to my body, my teeth didn’t feel right in my mouth. My hair was knotted. I looked fine, but nothing felt right. The only way to describe it was that when waking up after a rough couple of nights, it felt like my skin didn’t fit right over my bones.

My door was wide open. The hinges bent all the way back, the light bled through the curtains. My already slow steps came to a halt when the threshold fell behind my legs. My bed was decorated with the same blue floral design it always had during the summers.

The pillows were placed where I always had them, and my blankets were hung so neat on the bottom of my bed. My fingers ran over the soft fabric like it wasn’t really mine. Like I was admiring a sample from a store, wishing it were mine. It was always so pretty.

My thumb hooked over the folded edge very carefully. I didn’t want to mess with the perfectly made bed. More importantly, I didn’t want to crease the remaining hand prints that laid in the center of the bed.

The plushy duvet left residue from bigger hands. Spread along the bends, from the center down. Proof that someone had truly tried their best to perfect it.

Looking under the top, not only had each layer been placed, but the fitted sheet. I could see it now with all its layers peeled back. The thought that even after my initial attempts to push away, to be mean, to hurt him, that Conrad had still wanted to help me made me feel warm. I wasn’t sure why my heart was fluttering for a boy I swore I hated. But my cheeks were red and my knees felt weak. I always did love his acts of service.

I didn’t plan on showering, but my skin was sticky with sleep and my heart was pounding too fast. I hated the fact that Conrad was too good for everyone in his own special ways. I hated the way he still cared and the way he remained so observant even in our absence. Most of all, I hate the way I reach for his shampoo in the shower. Longing for the scent of him to linger on me for just a little longer. How funny it is that we’ve changed so quickly and yet not at all. We used to share our hair products. He kept a hair tie for me in his bedside table. I had a drawer of clothes in his room, he had some in my closet. He went from my everything to just something in my life. Yet, with all this change I still reach for the familiarities of what we once had. My hand still searches the shower for his conditioner. My feet still take me to his door to find a shirt I like. What we had is gone, crushed under the weight of our separation, but my muscle memory pulls me back. The heart is a muscle, one that forever beats for Conrad Fisher.

I sit in the corner for longer than I lather the soap across my skin. My body is curled up against the cold tiles. I feel pathetic doing so. How small I’ve made myself. Not only mentally, but physically. I feel weak at how little self control I have. I think back on the past year of my life and I regret each decision I’ve made leading me here suddenly.

Was I not enough for Conrad? I know it’s not his reasoning behind his leaving, but I feel like the theory becomes more and more plausible the longer I think back on how lonely I’ve been. So stuck on my own problems, I forget how little I see my family. How Belly has grown without me. Her friends, her lovers. She is independent, she knows her path. Steven has matured. He understands feelings, he’s valedictorian. His brains lead him through life, he no longer comes to me at midnight to ask for help with math. I no longer review his essays or read his made up stories in the living room. We are two different siblings who once spent every moment together. My mother is nose deep in her own promotion with her books. She is succeeding while my father is going on dates and moving on. I am stuck in the same spot, forever thinking of the past, I can not move on.

I am scared by the knowledge that my family is no longer dependent on me. A scab is forming over the wound of the fact that Conrad has left, I am not needed. I hope the warm water fading into a cooler drizzle will hide the way my eyes are puffy and red. The streaks of water on cheeks will become streams of the shower. I am strong and resistant like my parents, but I am scared to admit that I have real fears. Ones that control my life. I will never tell them how I breakdown, how my heart is breaking and I am falling off the pedestal.

It’s more lively now then it was just an hour ago. The birds are gone, on vacation away in the warmer weather while the cold covers New England in a chilling blanket. I hear the mugs clattering from the hallways and the soft humming passing through his pink lips. He hears me before he sees me.

“Coffee?” He motioned to the brown liquid, steaming while it poured into the glass pitcher. Rubbing beneath my eyes, I could feel the weight of my eye bags heavy on my skin. My throat was coarse, hands aching from how hard I had grasped onto the shower walls. I hid behind the island counter on the stool. My body curled up into the baggy clothes covering my body, my knees hugging into my chest as close as possible.

“Yes, please.” I mumbled softly, trying not to show any weaknesses. Conrad knew me better than that. The way my lip twitched into a fake smile, how my eyes were more avoidant that usual. Even in my heavy feelings, my eyes were always drawn to him. I was closing myself off.

A beat passed. Conrad’s attempt at conversation had fallen short, right by my feet.

“How’d you sleep?” He turned to me, freshly brewed coffee sloshing around in the same mug as yesterday. He placed it in front of me, but he turned away again to pour his own cup. It wasn’t to further distance himself, creating a divide all while I was shutting down, but to give me room to breathe in a space I was so clearly suffocating in.

“It was okay.” I sighed, hand holding my head, my eyes closed. I imagined myself laid with my back pressed against plush pillows and my childhood bedroom fairy lights hanging over my head. It was still winter, but the atmosphere in my daydream felt of summer.

“I’m glad, then. That it wasn’t so bad, I mean.” He corrected himself, afraid of a wrath inside of me that didn’t exist to him anymore. It never really had, my emotions had only been misplaced yesterday.

Often I’ve been told that my words shoot to kill when I’m mad. I insult and belittle myself more than others, but my mother has no problem with bringing up the few times I targeted my feelings at Steven or Belly. How little I made them feel, how guilty I felt. I threw up once, after yelling at Steven. He hadn’t cared for it, fighting was what siblings did. But remembering how I tried to hurt him made me sick. I felt the same after insulting Conrad.

Nodding my head, I pursed my lips into a thin line. My eyes blinked away any dryness, I inhaled a deep breath.

“Hey, uhm…thank you, by the way.” I pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands, hovering over the cup of coffee to revel in the hot steam hitting my face.

Conrad turned around, leaning against the counter. His hands pressed up behind him, firm but his face was soft, glad.

“I shouldn’t have…you didn’t deserve that.” My eyes flickered between the floor and the folding of my sleeves over my thumbs. My skin was cold, my hair wet on the back of my neck. I had a lump in my throat.

“Y/n?” His voice was gentle, closer than before. I saw his elbows press against the counter top, just mere inches away. I felt even more awkward, littler than before somehow.

I hummed. But the coarseness in my throat made it come out as more of a rumble. I choked on the growing lump, my nose burned.

“We don’t have to avoid each other.” He said it like that was so easy. Like everything was resolved by him simply stating that he didn’t want to face the consequences of our actions.

“I know.” I brought the edge of the mug to my lips and blew. Steam clouded my vision, the wet heat felt nice on my cheeks.

“Y/n.” He said more firmly.

He wasn’t angry, but he wanted my attention. My eyes flickered up to his. They were darker now. Swarmed with so many emotions, it was hard to grasp onto what he was feeling. I set the mug down.

“Please don’t avoid me.” He begged more softly, his hand hesitated to reach out to me. Once they clasped around mine, it was almost relieving. Having something familiar to ground me while I was only working myself up. “I miss you, I miss us. We were best friends and we haven’t even spoken in…I don’t even know how long. This, this is stupid. To be running in circles like this?”

“That’s easy for you to say.” This time, my words weren’t angry. They broke apart when I spoke. The sentence was raw, the lump in my throat broke through my clenched teeth and my nose heated up in an intense burn. My eyes were heavy, working hard to keep any tears at bay. Again, here I find myself in a different spot, practicing the same habits. I stand in front of Conrad angry, ready to hurt his ego and pierce a hole through his heart just to ease my own mind.

I wanted exactly what he did, to be as close. I missed him more than anything in my life ever, but it wasn’t so simple. He pleaded my name again, I pulled my hands out of his. His fingers were like a barbed wire. It suddenly stung to have him touching me.

“I just wish you would’ve acknowledged it, you know? I mean look at me, look at us. You’re fine, you’re happy. I can’t even look at you without wanting to cry.” When our hearts broke, they broke uneven. Conrad was left with a bruise why I was facing the pain of a bleeding scar across my own. He had been the one to cause the rift, he had been the one to bring up everyone’s insecurities, use them against our relationship.

“Y/n.” He whispered, reaching out to me again. I stood from the stool, keeping my distance. My tears were hot, they burned into my skin.

“You couldn’t even stand me, Conrad! And I couldn’t see it before, but I can now. You couldn’t even text me, no. No, but that’s not the worst part. Maybe it’s the fact that you couldn’t even show up to Stevens graduation because I was there.” He sighed, ready to defend himself. I look back on all the disappointed faces, I remember the way Steven frowned at that empty seat beside me and I feel angry.

“Do you know how hard it is to tell your baby brother that his hero couldn’t make it to his graduation because he can’t even stand to be around me? Do you know how sad he was when he started to walk up to the podium and saw your seat was empty? I recorded it and sent it to you, did you know that? I wasn’t going to, I didn’t think you deserved to have a part in one of the most important parts in Stevens life, but he begged me to. Tried to make me send it twice so you’d get it.” I took a deep breath, wiping away the tears by my eyes, more spilled. My face was wet with salt water and red with anger.

“So why don’t we go back to how things were before after you’ve fucked it all up!”

“It’s really fucking unfair of you to act like this hasn’t affected me at all either!” He finally shot back. He was never one to yell. Conrad always had some sort of control over his composure. He never yelled, he hated yelling.

“How, how can you say that after you’ve done nothing to fix anything!” Walking closer to him, I saw how he turned away to grip the counter between his fingers.

“People deal with shit differently, Y/n. Grow up!” He yelled. His eyes were wild, it should’ve scared me. But god, him telling me to grow up after all he put me through only made me angrier. I was fragile already. But not as a flower, but a bomb.

“Fuck you, Conrad.” My voice was shaky, but firm. I didn’t yell, my lack of volume was almost scarier than my inevitable rage. He looked up at me, it was like watching him realize how his words had betrayed him. He hadn’t meant for us to fight, to talk like this. He wanted to fix things. He wanted me back.

“Y/n.” He shook his head, walking closer to me, he bent away from the edges of the island to reach me quicker. His voice was laced with pity

“Stop saying my name!” I backed away, feet catching on the threshold, I slowed myself down. Each time he said it, it pulled on my heartstrings. How could he be so selfish to not even be able to see all the pain I’ve been put through!

“I’ve missed you ever since I left you! You think I don’t regret the way I treated you? I’m not naïve to my own stupidity, I know my mistakes, I’ve owned them. You were my everything, god you might as well have hung the stars!” He waved his hands around to animate what he was saying. It only stresses me out more.

“Then why? Why did you throw it all away!” My body began to crumble beneath me, my knees wobbled.

“Because I was scared! I was scared of losing you. I thought if I let myself become too obsessed, that if you decided to leave me I would never be able to get back up. I had to do it!” He confessed. It all made sense then. All my unanswered questions, all my insecurities of not being enough. Conrad hadn’t left because I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He left because he was scared of what would happen when I was gone. That he wasn’t enough.

“I wouldn’t have left you, Conrad. I wouldn’t have.” My palms hit my eyes, my knees started to give. A sob ripped through my throat. It hurt to breathe.

His arms were like a blanket. His hands still fit perfectly around my back. When he held me, it was tight. I knew it then that he wouldn’t be letting me go, not now. His shirt was wet with my tears, mine was wet with my hair. I felt stupid, naïve to think of Conrad in such bad ways when he had only been doing what he thought was best to protect his heart after loss after loss.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I repeated it like a prayer, I didn’t mean to be so mean. I didn’t want to be rude to him, I wanted him to be close to me always. His heart was beating out of his chest when he nodded. He knew I never meant to fight him. We were both entitled to our feelings, there was no reason in trying to apologize for how we reacted.

His hand lifted to my head, brushing through my hair. He gathered a chunk in his palm, his knuckles gripping at it. It didn’t hurt, he didn’t intend for it to. He was breathing me in, holding onto me in every which way possible.

“It’s going to be okay, we’re going to be okay.” My sobs were muffling themselves, quieting down into soft whimpers. It took a lot to even nod my head against his shirt. It smelled like him, and it was homely. I felt safer now than in our argument. Our words held no value anymore, I just hoped that what he said was true.

Holding her like that almost made things feel normal again. Having her hair in between my fingers and her waist pressed against mine. I wanted to revel in it, selfishly. But her sniffles and uneven breath only made me remember why I even got the privilege to hold her again.

Again and again, I watched her breakdown over a mistake I made. To protect myself. I swore it to her last winter, promised her that it would always be my favorite season because she was my favorite thing. I built up this trust and a love between us. It was when she left that I freaked out over what my mom said.

“I’ve never seen you so happy.” She had said, poncho bc my cheek between her fingers. Playfully, I pulled my face away.

“Yea?” I mused, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and watched the steady snowfall on the final night of winter through the window.

“The love bug’s got you.” She was right. I was so undeniably in love with Y/n. I would change everything in my life just to be with her always.

“What?” My eyes squinted from the way my eyebrows furrowed. She was still looking out into the snow.

“It’s okay to be in love, Connie.” She quickly turned to me and smoothed out my shirt. She sensed my confusion and stress. I knew I was in love with her, but the fact that it was that obvious, that clear made me worry.

“Everyone has their first love at some point.” With that she left. At some point. The words rung through my head. I knew that the first love was always the strongest, but this was not my first love. I had fallen for an ex-girlfriend in freshman year. She broke my heart. Why was the thought of Y/n leaving shattering mine completely?

The more I thought of us together then, the more I worried about her leaving. She was perfect for me, maybe. But could I even measure up to her perfection? Could I give her everything?

I was able to push that feeling away for a few weeks. But as winter turned to spring and the leave began to regrow, I couldn’t shake it. Distance was a thing I was only growing between us. Space, something I created so there was no way we could get hurt. I thought it was the right thing, then. I thought it was the right move for me to let her leave so easily. To watch her fight for me one last time and not react. I was giving her the chance for someone more, someone better. I didn’t know I was only breaking her heart in ways I worried I would break my own.

It was a guilt I lived with all these months. When she didn’t come up to cousins because she wasn’t feeling good, I knew why. I had avoided her like the plague after our last conversation, our first real fight. I couldn’t even show up for her family in one of their most important milestones. Now it seemed like we only fight now, or at least in these past couple hours.

My neck was stiff from how it leaned against the back of the couch. I hadn’t watched past the hour mark of the black and white movie Conrad had put on. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I no longer liked it.

The movie was all I watched when I was at my absolute worst. Not to say I wasn’t still there, I felt rock bottom beneath my feet, but I felt myself getting better slowly. I no longer spent each day rewatching the same film over and over to ease the pain and remind myself of a happier time. I hated the way they talked. I once found it romantic, but the old cracking in the sound and the fancy accents made me angry. None of it was real.

To Conrad, he only did what he thought I would like. He had no way of knowing of my new distaste to the movie. One I used to rave about for hours. Then again, he never asked.

Yawning, I felt a set of eyes on mine.

“Tired?” He asked, a small smile on his face. I waved him off.

“Nope.” I popped the ‘p.’ It was an easy lie, my dark circles and slouchy posture gave it away. There was no way to sell it. I was surprised when he didn’t push me on it. My eyes drooped, my cheek pressed to my lonely shoulder. I had no one to lean on. I curled into myself a little, all while silently telling myself I was awake.

A pillow hit my lip, I bit down a little but it didn’t hurt me. My eyes were wide open now, hair messed up around the top. My fly aways were all over the place, my eyes squinting.

“Hey!” Grabbing the corners of the pillow, I swung as hard as I could towards Conrad, the culprit. It his his chest, he groaned out in a heavy breath. The pillow was soft, I was sure it didn’t hurt. But he entertained the idea that it did by rubbing circles in his chest, wincing and hissing through his teeth. I rolled my eyes.

“Seriously?” I leaned back against the cushions again, placing the pillow comfortably over my lap. I heard him laugh. A real, genuine laugh. It felt like weight was lifted off of my back.

“What! That was one of my best performances.” He punched my shoulder. I shot him playful glares. He pushed at me again, begging for a reaction. I folded already, giving into his games and retaliating against his childish attacks. But I would not crumble so easily. I would not let him tease me and play me until I opened up again just hours after yet another fight. I worried that another would ensue.

Sitting up, I tossed the pillow back at him. The sound he made confirmed it had hit him in the face.

“Come on, where are you going?” I could hear the smile in his voice. It made me smile too, knowing he was happy.

“To bed, I am tired.” I didn’t look back, but I felt him watching.

I swore I heard words die on his tongue. A soft stutter to a dead silence. Like he wanted to protest but stopped himself somehow. He never saw me look back, but when I was turning to the stairs, I allowed myself a glimpse.

His eyes were spacey, lip pulled between his front teeth. His eyebrows furrowed. He was deep in thought, but I could see the disappointment in his face. He didn’t seem as full of life, as cheerful. We were rebuilding a childhood, best friend bond that was lost with in cracking of our foundations in the spring.

“Goodnight, Conrad.” I still hadn’t had the ability to carry a joke with him. To keep a conversation flowing without my emotions dying inside of me before I could get them out. I whispered my goodnight. I wanted him to know I still held a place in my heart for him, but part of me wanted to reserve that knowledge to only myself.

I was scared to be more than what was being proposed. The door was open, we were almost friends. It was an odd spot. We’d act like friends, joke like them, but we both knew what we had done, what had just happened. I would walk through the entrance if Conrad would allow it. If we could at least be close, even if his lips weren’t mine, even if his body wasn’t there for me to lean on anymore. I would live happily, I’d be able to put on a brave face and call myself his friend. I would stand by the alter, watching him find another love, burying the hatchet of our love for good and I would be okay, I decided. As long as I still had him. As long as I never had to feel as alone as I did this morning.

“They’re saying borderline blizzard conditions, Con. You don’t think we’ll need to go on a supply run, do you?” His back was turned to me, hands working over the pot of coffee skillfully. His thumb brushed against the glass, he hissed quietly and shook his hand off.

“I think you’re just overthinking it.” He payed my worry not attention. He knew this house better than I did. It would hold, that wasn’t the worry. We had no shovels, nothing to dig us out of snow were to block us in. I scoffed and rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. I made my way around the island, pushing myself off of the counter and into one of the stools perched under it.

“Coffee?” Conrad asked, ignoring my questions again. I gave into him, playing his game and being stubborn.

“What kind?” My fingers drew circles on the cold marble.

“Black.” He set the cup down in front of me, letting it come to a halt right in front of me. My eyes flickered to the coffee, a smirk fighting it’s way onto my cheeks.

“Like your soul?” Like your heart, is what I wanted to say. Something that used to come so easy, meaningless insults directed at him not to make him sad, but to make him smile. I still hadn’t answered by question, though. If I were to direct a remark at his heart, would it weigh too much under the cracking foundation of our recovering friendship? I still wondered if he would laugh at that and go along with it.

Conrad laughed, looking out the window and admiring the sky. He didn’t respond, but he never really had when I’d make those jokes. Usually he would laugh or tell me it was a good one. He sighed lightly.

“I walked right into that one.” He smiled down at his coffee now, holding the mug loose with the handle dangling between his fingers.

When silence took over the room, it wasn’t uncomfortable. We welcomed it. We were alone with our thoughts and for once, they weren’t twisted and heavy. Only happy memories and thoughts of old habits.

In my mind, I dreamed of times where I knew what to say after making a joke. What I could do to counter a snarky remark and his laughter. I always knew what to say to him, when and why. I knew what made him tick. I still knew how to set him off, I believe that once you have the ability to get under someone’s skin, you never truly lose it. Either you continue to poke at the wounds that hurt them so, or your presence is able to remind them of it. Yet, with all the loss in my every heartbeat, somewhere along the way I forgot how to keep him happy.

Conrad’s footsteps snapped me out of my clouded haze. My eyes snapped up from the counter to his face. He didn’t look at me, but stayed focused on his coffee.

“Glad to know you still got it.” His eyes flicked to me, I swear I saw him wink. It was so quick, my words died in a pathetic stutter. I smiled stupidly at him, I couldn’t even pretend to be snarky. It caught me off guard, somehow. My walls were torn down now, the barrier of anger and sadness I kept up around him to keep us apart gone with our last fight and heart to hearts. The devils in the details, but somehow it didn’t feel as deep, as life changing anymore.

It was like he knew I couldn’t think of something to promise to him. To keep us going. He surely hadn’t lost it.

I tried to rationalize everything recently. But it felt like it took over my life. I’d almost forgotten about Belly and Steven. How they’d been so quick to shut me out simply because someone had offered me a place to be wanted for a moment. Conrad always knew when to swoop in to save me. I could help but talk myself down every so often and convince myself that Conrad is not made of Angel dust. He simply is a man, and a smart one at that. All of this could be just to butter me up, I know it’s always an outcome. A way to win me back, but never want me the same. It poisons me to think about him that way, I know him. He would never play me to become the good guy.

My mind has no middle line. Constantly wavering between my lover, the man I see as the sky and the seas. I see him as a perfect lipstick stain to a white collar, uggs in the fall, hot chocolate in the winter. He is all things I love and yet I still fight. The other part of me fights my heart to keep my distance. How just hours ago I told myself the hate I had for Conrad was always going to be just that, irreversible hurt that he caused. It’s the sweetest torture I could bare in the fact that really, by the end of it my mind is set on just getting to be with him again. No matter what his games are.

It’s pathetic, but my heart strings pull a little whenever I hear his footsteps upstairs. When I can tell if he’s coming to see me or not. I like knowing he likes to be around me once more. It almost covers up the fact that he hurt me so bad. I’m not idiot, however. I wish I were in some cases, but I’m not blinded completely by my love. With every advance, I find a way to make it platonic. He’s my friend.

He said he missed me, our friendship bond. I know that he is a man of his word. I should not work myself up, I shouldn’t expect so much. I shouldn’t jump into his arms because he says go. I think rationally, I use my head. I let my heart race and my cheeks flush but ultimately my brain will stop me from messing about again. So part of me finds it sad when the power goes out later that day. For both the house and myself. It’s childish how quickly I jump in search of Conrad. I have to remind myself not to hold onto him, not to yell I told you so.

I call for his name quietly through the halls, feeling the chipping paint under my finger tips. It’s still fresh, but bumpy. A previous project of Susannah’s from when her paint brushes never seemed to dry out. It’s hard to tell if she never finished her projects that summer. Or even if she never finished any.

In the dark, it’s almost more clear to see where her brush strokes end. Where the moonlight illuminates the white and blues, you can see the divides between old and new. God, if she were any less attentive it would surely be the end of this house. It was in great condition, but some things were out of place, uncared for simply because Susannah’s mind went a mile a minute.

Smiling, I let my hands run over the wall, feet planting on the cold wood. I could feel it through my socks, with the lights out and the heat stuttering to a halt.

“Y/n/n, hey.” He sounded breathless, coming up from behind me. I hadn’t even noticed the stomping of his feet up the staircase as my fingers danced along the wall. So caught up in the past I find it that sometimes I forget that I’m living in my present. Looking around my metaphorical room in my mind, I see my chosen family. I see his brother as mine, his mother as mine. I see myself as a child again running through the sand and tracking mud through the dining room.

I know deep down I can not keep holding on, keep on keeping myself back. I can never give Conrad peace, but I can give him my sunshine, my best. He would always have a friend in me. I set my heart free then, fingers stuck to the wall, eyes flickering to my feet. I let go of my heart break and my solemn silences I throw at my loved ones for guilt. I let my walls down, I take Conrad’s hand, and I shake my head. His smile is warm, his eyes loving. He still needs me, he always has. He still loves me and my heart is racing. I finally feel like I have him back.

“You okay?” Back in reality, I’m aware that I’m not actually holding onto his hand, and Conrad isn’t really smiling at me. My heart is still in its cage and I have fallen victim to my own mind again. Conrad is not mine.

Clearing my throat, I lick at the corners of my lips. When I shake my head this time, I know it’s real because Conrad is looking at me questioningly. He is not in love with me, he is not drooling over me. The power is still out and our muddy footprints mean nothing to him anymore.

“We blew a fuse, but the generators dead. We’re just going to have to stick it out.” I nodded again, looking up at him with doe eyes. My lips were glossy with a sheen coat of spit from how much I licked them, but at them nervously. Yet, he didn’t even spare me a glance. It was almost like he was waiting on something.

“You can say it.” He finally sighed.

“Say what?” His eyes caught mine, seeing just how intently my eyes focused on his dimples and the bridge of his nose decorated with delicate freckles. I cleared my throat.

“You told me so.” He smiled, punching my shoulder playfully. He could tell my mind was drifting, he could see it, I saw the way his eyes softened. My gentle smile turned into a shit-eating grin.

A beat passed, he continued waiting on me in the dark room. I liked it in some odd ways. Enjoyed having him waiting on me for once. It wasn’t the same. How my heart waited for his apologies for so long, how I expected it because I knew one day he would come back to me to make things right in his own way. But somehow, his desire for my once overlooked jokes and brushed off comments made my cheeks warm. Like more than me in this moment, he wanted the normal us back.

“Are you going to…” He voice trailed off, my feet picked up against the cold wood floor.

“Why don’t you start the fire? I’m going to get some blankets.” I tucked the hair behind my ear, practically running to the staircase. He nodded, not that I could see it, but the silence confirmed that he had forgotten that I couldn’t truly see his nod. That along with a soft hum of approval from him.

“Oh, and Conrad.” He hummed again. His eyes glistened in the moonlight, shining brighter than any other object standing in the hallway. He waited on me patiently, slowly inching closer.

“I told you so.”

The best of blankets and pillows sprawled put along the living room floor helped to further nestle us against the foot of our white couch. The snowfall and the storm felt less like an inconvenience but a gift.

I was reminded of my childhood. Of first snowfalls and broken ice skates. Red noses and icy hair. I remember how even after the facade of perfect holidays and new years kisses faded into nothing more than a dream, how my heart still soared with excitement each coming fall. How I couldn’t wait to see the snowy powder decorating my front lawn. I get reminded of why I drove so long to see Conrad. Of his warm hugs and his soft mittens. Wearing his hats and stumbling around in the backyard. I feel less hurt by the company than I once did a few days ago. I feel blessed that by some miracle, fate had string Conrad and I back together. That his hands would forever paint my hands in a gentle love we only held, and his whispers of senseless jokes he mumbled tiredly were only mine to laugh at.

The fire crackled, roaring feverishly through the night. The snow and wind pounded against the sides of the house, and despite the chills running through my toes and my fingers, I felt warmer inside than before, rekindling our inside jokes and fueling ourselves for even more.

Soon, our soft laughter and ongoing conversations died out. Our eyes glued to the flames, I tried to catch a glimpse into Conrad’s eyes. I wanted to know what the fire would look like reflected into his blue eyes. Instead, I caught his gaze locked onto my face.

I felt embarrassed, in a way. Vulnerable under his gaze. I felt my cheeks heat up and my body tingle. I felt like a school girl again.

“Y/n/n.” He called for me softly. The only way I was sure that he’d even said it was the fact that my eyes were so trained in his pink lips. I nodded slowly.

“Why did you come down here? Why now?” Even though the question was serious, I couldn’t help but to smile at his curiosity in my life.

Taking a deep breath, I watched his flat face turn into a welcoming grin.

“Lately, I’ve just been caught up in the past, I guess. I’m just so used to coming home every winter to Steven and Belly in the living room already fighting. And my dad and mom arguing about what decorations playfully.” Conrad laughed like he could picture it. He’d never really been in my house during the holidays. Sure, the Fisher family would stop by every few months when the distance became too much, but holiday’s were usually spent apart.

“I guess when I came home this year and that wasn’t there, I kind of freaked a little. I mean, Steven just left, Belly was too caught up in her own life to care about what I wanted to do, how much time we had left. My dad was too busy to stop by and…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I almost allowed the words to slip, how the final straw was that even with the mess of my family, at least at one point I had Conrad. I had his gentle hands and his quiet promises to hold onto. When everything went to hell, it was like losing the last bit of peace. “I wanted to be somewhere I wouldn’t feel alone, I guess.” I replaced my words with this. Hoping he’d understand how much he meant to me, how much all of it meant to me.

The single puff of air coming harshly through his mouth in a sigh reminded me just how close we were. How I could feel each word falling from his lips fanning over my shoulder. We were sharing a blanket, so close yet our bodies so far.

“Y/n.” He sounded more serious. During my confession, I found a home in the floorboards. Feeling safer confessing to the air than to a man who destroyed me not so long ago. My eyes hesitated to meet his, but I could see just how serious he was.

“I regret what happened between us more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I know I can’t reverse that, but please never say you are alone. I swear to you, no matter what, I’m there.” It was rare to hear such thing from Conrad. Maybe a grunt of a hug to assure my feelings were always appreciated. But I could see the sincerity in his face, his voice was dripping with guilt. He meant it, every word.

Nodding my head, I silently thanked him. I watched his eyes search my face. How his lips parted but shut quickly. He decided against continuing, but it was like an unspoken apology was being said between us in that moment.

With gravity pulling us together, it was only in my nature to protect my heart. I had to rip us apart before I gave in without knowing if we’d ever be the same. If I kissed him and it was just a winter fling, I couldn’t take another heartbreak.

So, in our silence, I moved my hand between us. The pad of my thumb brushing away the charcoal from the fire dusting just under his cheek. I watched how he shivered and backed away, eyes fluttering shut. All while I bit at my lip, delicate in the way I rubbed away the dust.

“Are my hands cold?” I remained focused in on him, my lips curled into a smile seeing his reaction to my touch, how he shivered but didn’t complain. He nodded his head slowly, but his eyes were still closed.

I saw how his eyebrows furrowed, it wasn’t from discomfort, but in the low light it was hard to tell. My hand curled away, ready to ease the coldness off of his skin. I didn’t expect his own hand to cover mine, holding it against his now rosy cheeks.

“Feels nice.” He mumbled almost drowsily. His eyes still hidden behind his eyelids, his other hand found mine aimlessly, gently pressing it to his other cheek. I felt his weight sink into my palms, reveling in my touch.

The band suddenly snapped. All the tension, all the build up. He was right there, so eager, so gentle. I had to know if he was still the same boy I loved not too long ago. He had set me up for an old joke.I always wondered if I could still joke with him like this. It still gnawed at me some nights.

“It’s because you’re cold hearted.” I expected him to laugh, I hoped he would. But instead, he smiled just as genuine as his old laughter, melting into my touch more than I thought he could ever. I hadn’t been able to predict what he would tell me. Couldn’t have read his lips even if I could see into the future.

“For everyone else, maybe. But not for you.” He was as honest as a man could be. With his eyelashes fluttering open, I could see it in his eyes now. How they looked back at me wide and awake. I felt my stomach flip. There was something there I had previously missed. Dancing along with the glowing of the fire in his irises, was the same spark he once carried when I was his and he was mine.

I didn’t even get to challenge it, teasing him and making him repeat his confessions. My lips stuttered on the first syllable, just before his hands smushed my cheeks with the force of how he grabbed me. He was firm, but not aggressive. He could never hurt me.

His lips molded against mine perfectly in my mind. He tasted like mint and hot chocolate. My hands tangled in his hair, his palms flat against my waist. With so little space between us, so much fever and pent up frustration, air became harder and harder to get. With each touch of his fingers, it was like tiny fires being sparked across my body.

He hadn’t even had to tell me what he felt then. Neither did I. In that moment my walls crumbled beneath my feet. All resistance was gone. In Conrad’s grasp, I felt less alone.

I knew it then. To Conrad, my mind games I played on myself, my temper and the storms that would inevitably cloud up my sunniest days, the fact that I could never give him peace did not matter. We would always be enough.