#Jensen’s making statements about a show that ended two years ago | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

phynali · 4 years

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more spn discussions, just skip this post y’all

@queerbluebird thanks so much for engaging with my post/reply! i really enjoyed reading your response and i have a long reply here.

i’m responding to your post/reply here rather than reblogging it because honestly that thread is - so long. so very long.

so first -

i agree there is a difference between entitlement and what i would call, not promise, but instead “narrative follow-through”. A story that completely lacks narrative follow-through does end up feeling disappointing, or frustrating, or rage-inducing, depending on what’s happened. to me there’s a fundamental difference between critiquing a story based on follow-through and bad storytelling (which your post aims to do), versus say, creating hashtag campaigns about a character being silenced because and spreading conspiracy theories about a bad dub (among other things honestly).

and also - queerbaiting totally sucks, we definitely do agree on that.

where we disagree, i think are these two core points:

i do not see the narrative build-up that demands a follow-through. i do not see supernatural as having built up to the story that many destiel shippers seem to think was there, and no one has ever been able to point out to me any actual textual reasons that do craft that narrative build-up

i fundamentally do not believe that destiel was ever a queerbait. queerbait involves active intent on the part of creators to tease a ship or queer representation in order to draw in $ from queer audiences without ever making it canon, so as not to alienate straight audiences. so, refering to point 1., i do not see the canon text as having laid the groundwork for a queerbait and those romantic tropes, at least not at any point in the past 7 years. and beyond the canon, the writers and producers and jensen ackles all indicated dean was straight, and that they were not writing a romance. if anyone queerbaited the fans, it was misha collins who kept teasing the possibility, and personally i would argue that was irresponsible of him. but that’s a different discussion altogether and tends to piss people off when it’s framed as such, because misha means a lot to them and it hurts to see the man who validated their feelings get criticized for the manner in which he validated them. so i’m gonna leave that aside.

beyond that, I want to engage with some of your specific quotes:

Supernatural loves to say “wait for it.” And I don’t think it’s entitled to feel betrayed if an author uses their story to say “wait for it” in order to convince you to stick with their story and then delivers the opposite after you do.

May i ask, where was the “wait for it” with destiel? this ties in directly to the queerbaiting. i indicated in my post/reply that while i see it from cas, there’s been little to no hint of any reciprocation of feelings from dean, and if anything the past 7 or so years have driven the point home that it isn’t happening. i personally am not able to see the “Wait for it” and that was the point of my question. without the “Wait for it”, i also can’t see the queerbait.

I asked for specifics and while i totally get not having the spoons, you provided a few:

(off the top of my head for Dean though, the mixtape, his response to Cas’ death at the end of 12, subsequent grief arc, and reaction to Cas’ return in the front half of 13 rank highly. His reaction to Lucifer’s prank call in 15x19 might rate, but maybe just because it’s so recent.)

not trying to be unkind here, but i quite genuinely don’t see any of these examples as framing cas and dean in a romantic light, or as hinting at a “what if”. the mixtape is like.... okay, maybe. i had read that as being symbolic of something else, but i can see wanting to read it from a shipping lens. (i don’t however think i’d read it as baiting or “what if” - it was quite textually not framed that way. shipping, 100%, but canon build-up, not for me).

for the other examples -- grieving for someone you consider family? and being happy when they come back? that’s not shippy to me. i mean - contrast the grief he showed over cas’s death compared to his grief over, say, mary? or, less extreme, charlie? and nothing compared to how off the rails he goes when sam is dead or he thinks sam is. so i -- i just can’t see those as creating a narrative that demands a follow-through. and when your friend who is dead calls your phone? of course you hop to the door - i don’t know what is romantic about that. sam would’ve hopped just as quick if “cass” had called his phone instead.

and look - i see what is fun to ship about all that. if i shipped it, i’d be happily collecting these moments with a smile and grinning to myself about how cute they are and much they mean. but shipping it vs. it being romantically framed in the canon are two fundamentally different things. shipping doesn’t imply narrative buy-in or deliberation from the creator.

moving on, you also spoke at length about 15x18:

15x18 made the sort of statement that drew back even people who did exactly what OP said they should do, turning off the TV years ago. It wasn’t a quiet “if you’re still watching, keep waiting,” so much as a shouted “hey we’re gonna do this thing, watch this!”

i guess destiel fans vs. those of us who don’t ship it really see this as fundamentally different. because you discuss that moment as one which requires follow-through, and say that if this were heteronormative m/f love declaration, there would be that expectation of follow-through. not necessarily reciprocity, but more - more conversation, more acknowledgment, more something.

(i mean - if there was more, but that more was “hey i love you too but only platonically, sorry man” would that be better?)

but no - i actually just... disagree with your point on that front. i can see why you feel the way you do and i acknowledge that it can be read as the start of a conversation. to me though -- and clearly, now that the finale is out, how the writers saw it -- that was actually the end of a conversation. the end of, like you pointed out, 12 years. a 12-year conversation that ends in a gorgeous declaration of love, and specifically how love isn’t about being together, it’s simply about being - it’s about the fact that you love someone, and that feeling alone is the most beautiful thing in existence.

to me, that declaration can only be written and interpreted as an ending. a sacrifice, a declaration, and a goodbye. so - while i kind of expected seeing more people in episode 20 and realize that didn’t happen largely due to covid - i’m not disappointed we didn’t see cas, because that culmination of his narrative (and then knowing he was with jack, after, rebuilding the heaven that he rebelled against and finally completing his narrative circle by fixing all the problems with it alongside the good god he sought to find all along) is kind of perfect.

and i genuinely don’t think if cas was in a female vessel this entire time that that would change. maybe some audience members would feel differently, but i think many of us would see it for the end it was nonetheless. there’s plenty of stories with m/f ships that are one-sided and that character sacrifices themselves for the person they love, so i don’t see why this would be any different (except the bury your gays issue, but that’s a whole other and very real conversation about media tropes).

moving on to the series finale.

As many people have pointed out in praise of 15x20, Sam is the absolute most important thing in Dean’s life, his priority above anything and everything… And yet there, at the actual end of the world, Dean ignores Sam’s call and instead cries over the loss of Castiel. Dean’s loss of Castiel plays in tandem with the loss of literally the whole world. But we’re not to take that as a promise that Castiel means more to this story, or to Dean, than a couple seconds of wistfulness after the dust settles?

I... yeah. i don’t see what this even is arguing. that dean taking a minute to himself to grieve his best friend, who just died in part because dean decided to go hunt down billie (who was literally dying anyway). he’s hurting. there’s nothing about this that’s a promise - it’s an end. it’s grief. it’s the horror of losing someone you care about, and the silence that comes after. it’s fundamentally human in it’s pain. and we, the audience, are invited to grieve with dean.

so I mean - of course cas means more to this story. of course he’s meant more than a few seconds of grief, after 12 years. but just because that’s the last time we see him on screen doesn’t mean we don’t value his story, and celebrate how it too came full circle.

You mention cas as a sort of avatar for a different potential ending for the brothers, and highlight him representing:

An ending where higher powers stop yanking them around and they get to actually live in the life they’ve built for themselves.

So while i never considered cas an avatar for that, i do think we all wanted the brothers to have their freedom. “finally free.” so we can agree on wanting that end. but we disagree on whether it was delivered, i guess? because i feel it was.

you also talk about what you and many other fans conceivably wanted a happier ending to look like. can i -- i’m going to be totally honest. i have not seen a single person who’s critiquing the end saying “i just wanted sam and dean to grow old hunting together with their dog until they retire together and die of old age.”

would that be satisfying to those who are mad about the end? i personally don’t think so, but maybe my opinion is being coloured by the most vitriolic fans i’ve seen. if sam and dean got to have the life they wanted free of chuck, and dean didn’t die, and they kept going (or retired and opened a bar together!). maybe sam still had a kid, but again because romance wasn’t the point, the wife wasn’t important and they left her blurry still so we could interpret ourselves if she was a wife or a co-parent or a surrogate or what. maybe dean has a kid too, with a similar question-mark-wife. maybe we get a few images of them having a holiday with jodie and the girls. and then getting to heaven together in old age, greeting bobby with a beer, and going for a drive.

would that be an end that wouldn’t cause fandom uproar? i would enjoy it, soft an slightly discordant as it would be to me. i prefer the ending we got, bittersweet and heartbreaking though it was, but i wouldn’t be taking to social media to yell about it if we got a softer epilogue, so to speak.

on the other hand... would that still not be enough, at least not for so many of the angry fans? i’m genuinely unsure. it seems to me that so much of the ire is about destiel itself, even if people are pretending it’s about more and other things than that. not everyone, but like, a big portion of them. which leads me to believe that nothing short of dean and cas at least interpretable as together is what they wanted. if every other single thing about the existing finale was the same except that cas was the one to greet dean instead of bobby, and even with the same basic dialogue, without discussing the confession, but they have a lingering smile, and dean leaves to drive and wait for sam with the promise he’ll see cas later -

if everything else stayed the same except who greeted dean, i genuinely don’t believe i’d be seeing almost any critique of the finale on my dash. maybe i’m cynical, but that’s where i’m at.

which is part of why i really struggle to believe that people are engaging in good faith when they critique the finale. because i feel like if it offered them either a) everything they’re purportedly asking for but still no cas and zero hint of destiel, vs. b) every other thing they claim to hate stays the same except there’s a wink and nod to destiel - i believe they would take the wink and nod.

On to some other things you raised:

But how can you know to walk away from a tragedy if the tragedy says “the end won’t be a tragedy, keep watching” right up until it ends in tragedy?

Oh i Get this. I hate thinking i’m consuming fun media only for it to rip my heart out at the end. i’ve literally - well, i’ve had a very unpleasant and distressing experience of this, actually. so i get it. also the opposite: i sometimes feel disappointed when i’m consuming media that is gripping and intense and painful, but then the end is too easy, too soft and happy?

BUT - supernatural never pretended it would have a happy end? the end was so. much. happier. than i ever expected. the Swan Song end was going to have Sam in hell being tortured by lucifer for eternity. according to something i read which i am fundamentally too lazy to link because who knows if it would have turned out this way but -- kripke was apparently going to have Dean jump in the cage with him at that end, if the series ended on S5? the ‘horror’ ending. completely devastating sacrifice for mankind (sam), and completely devastating sacrifice for his brother (dean). just -- oof. even if that wasn’t the plan and the series would’ve ended as the episode did - sam was still in the cage and cas was off waging war in heaven and dean was living every day knowing he was alive and his brother was being tortured.

i’m sorry if you thought you were watching a happier show. i know how much that hurts. that doesn’t mean the story was actually that happy though. sometimes, it’s on us as consumers to acknowledge we were misreading the media. i’ve had to do this. it’s hard, it hurts, but it helps you consume things healthier. i’ve had to do this growing recently, and i’m better off for it.

regarding the specific manner of dean’s death - that’s really not what my post was about and i’m not gonna address it here. i’ve talked about it elsewhere and so have others, and @lovetincture‘s original post spelled it out beautifully, in how human it was. i have feelings on how and why i loved dean’s death, and why it was the absolute opposite of what Chuck’s ending was and what he wanted (no blaze of glory), but i’ll leave those for another time.

They cast aside all the relationships they’ve built. [...] They lost/walked away from the life and home they built in the bunker. Dean got a season 1 death. Sam got a season 1 life.

I feel that there is a very huge difference between regression and progression when it comes to cyclical storytelling. And that difference seems to be missing from the ongoing discussions i’ve seen about this in fandom.

Coming full circle to season 1 does not at all mean that the development is ‘undone’ or that the story has regressed or that anything has been lost or destroyed. It can mean that, if the storyteller doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing, but in this case i don’t (personally) feel it’s a fair critique.

Dean’s death might parallel his s1 not-quite death from Faith, but the s15 result of that death is night and day. Dean is no longer alone. Dean does not go up to a lonely heaven filled with bittersweet memories, where even his canonical soulmate and him have wide gulfs between the memories they fill their shared heaven with. Dean dies a hunter, but he dies a hunter who literally saved earth and changed heaven and gets to spend eternity with his brother, side-by-side and together without all the pain and miscommunication, and he gets to see his family and loved ones too. he died having literally made the world so much better.

even without that though?

his story comes full circle, but dean’s character development isn’t about his death, it’s about the fact that in the first several seasons dean could hardly admit he cared without acting like his teeth were being pulled. he was too afraid of abandonment to ask for someone to be by his side. he was too afraid of rejection to let anyone in. and in the end? he asks sam to stay. he tells him that he loves him. he pours his heart out and says all the things that 15 years ago were stoppered in his throat, words trying and failing to claw their way free but his hurt and fears were too deep.

dean is free.

the point of dean’s story coming full circle to season 1 parallels was specifically to highlight this incredible development, not to undermine it. he is different. he is free.

god it makes me tear up just thinking about how happy i am for him despite how gutted i was by that scene??

(i could write a similar analysis for sam, about how he left for stanford to escape his life and how his finale life montage bits were the opposite of that, but honestly this post is long enough already).

Destiel is loosely a part of that promise in the sense that Castiel is a part of that promise. The symbol of free will

You make a super interesting argument about Cas being a symbol of free will. I don’t have much to say about it, because I’m gonna mull it over, because I think it’s kinda cool and I’ve never thought about it.

That’s - all i’ve got. thanks again for engaging. i’m happy to continue the convo if you have questions or want to reblog/reply

(though my followers might hate me omg, i’ve been spamming long spn meta posts for weeks now, it’s just been so confronting to see the ongoing fan reaction on twitter and how divided it is...)

#spn meta #supernatural #supernatural meta #spn #fandom discussions #uhhh what do y'all want me to tag this #it's not wank?#it's an open discussion which i like a lot #hmmm #discourse #i'll just go with that #destiel #kind of #this won't show up in the ship tag because that's not in the first 5 tags so i'm safe i hope #don't wanna be a dick and put this in the ship tag #long post #long post for ts #sorry if there are typos it is almost midnight and i am sleepy

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blackbulletsblackheart · 4 years

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Haven't blogged in a while but here it goes since everyone is getting their two cents out there, I feel like just putting all my thoughts about this thing out there while everyone is talking about it.

So let me just start with, I haven't watched the last 5 episodes of Supernatural yet, my laptop fucked up when it started and I don't have anywhere else to watch it right now. But I have heard more than enough and seen enough clips from episode 18 and 20 to know what a shit show it ended up as.

When I first started watching Supernatural 7 years ago when there the 8th season had just finished, I really didn't pick up on Destiel as much as a lot of other people did. I didn't see it personally but I'm not someone who's going to fight against people's ships. Unless I find it's one that's ethically bad or a toxic pairing. Otherwise, everyone's ships to themselves. When I started rewatching Supernatural from the beginning before season 15 started, I did pick up on Destiel a LOT more especially since I had the later seasons to compare it to. And I don't mean just the "angel who's in love with you" jokes, I mean the genuine chemistry and some of the earlier moments between Dean and Cas. The difference between their relationship with each other and their relationship with every other character, even Sam.

Then I realised that after season 8, even more after season 9, that bond seemed to barely exist anymore. There were times that Cas seemed more like a burden to the main characters rather than the long lasting ally, friend and powered being protecting them that he used to be. As much as he still was, he didn't feel like family to the Winchesters anymore.

Then season 15 was coming around and people hoped that just maybe, finally, the Destiel fans would be given what they had wanted since "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition". There were some good scenes at the beginning that had some of that Destiel power that those earlier seasons did but most of the time it didn't feel as strong as those earlier seasons. I felt a lot from Cas in the "What about us is real" scene and from Dean in the Purgatory Prayer scene but otherwise, it just wasn't there anymore.

In my opinion, I thought that if they'd confirm Destiel in season 15, it would have to happen in the first half to pay off and feel worth it. When it got to the point that there were only 5 episodes left, I just kept thinking it would be a pisstake to confirm it now right and the end and such a cheap, inconsiderate way of doing it. We knew since season 13 that Cas was going to die by the end of this last season because of the deal with the Empty. Making Destiel canon in Castiel's final scene as being the only thing that would make Cas feel truly happy felt like being stranded in the desert and only given a drop of water to quench your thirst by the person pretending to rescue you.

It got to a point where I thought they really just shouldn't do it anymore. Leave Destiel to the fans who have done so much better with it in their fanart and fanfiction. Destiel was done better in that "Cas, get out of my ass" line than it was in that dying declaration.

It definitely has a lot to do with who is working behind the scenes on the show too. They are the ones who decide how the scripts and the big stories go afterall. And there was definitely more Destiel when Eric Kripke and Sera Gamble were still around. They were dedicated to fleshing out every character, making them grow and making the audience continue to care about them after so many years. After they left, the main characters became so two dimensional compared to what they were before. The actors may have been great but the writing had become more wooden, no matter how good the overarching season storyline was. The only characters that seemed to develop well over the last few seasons were Crowley, Rowena and Jack, the latter two because they were entirely new characters.

It's really shitty of the CW to have Misha make that statement yesterday too. They've always put this emphasis on the show being Jared and Jensen's, I get that they were what the show started with, but Misha has been as important to them on the show for years yet the only time the CW has made him a prominent figure of the SPN Family was to put out this statement to cover their producers asses. Not Jared and Jensen, their favoured faces of the show, but Misha, the one who was kept around because of how much fans loved him and how much the show tended to fail when he wasn't around. (Remember how ratings dropped with Misha's absence and picked up again with his return in season?) Putting that on Misha - the most LGBTQ+ and Destiel supportive member of the main cast, the guy who didn't want to marry his bisexual wife until she had the right to marry a woman if she wanted to - to make that statement was fucking disrespectful.

And the ending of the show? I was worried it would be bad, I hoped it wouldn't be, but I didn't think it would be THIS bad! I'm so worried about watching the rest now because of all the awfulness and cringeworthy scenes I've seen clips of or heard about but I know I still will watch it soon.

#supernatural #kansas is dead #destiel

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whatareyousearchingfordean · 4 years

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Happiness Begins

Part 19

Chapter Summary: Jared needs some time to come around to the idea of his best friend and his sister, but will he be able to get over all the lies?

Warnings: Language, angst, descriptions of anxiety, a mild physical altercation

Word Count: 2.1K+

Author’s Note: Hey guys! Happy Sunday! First, I’d like to say a huge thank you to all of you still here with me. This past semester was a difficult one for a number of reasons. Until I started writing again, I hadn’t realized how much I truly missed these two and being in this little world I created. It was a truly therapeutic experience to get back to it. Also, I already have our sequel all outlined and ready to start. xoxo Alex

Catch up with the series masterlist and check out Alexandra’s Library for more works by yours truly!

Jared was gone before she woke on Monday. Well, not technically before she woke as she didn’t actually sleep. The sound of the front door startled her before her alarm for the morning had gotten the chance to. She wasn’t surprised. Jared didn’t come out of his room the rest of the weekend. Only once for food and even then he just stockpiled what he could into his room.

This wasn’t exactly what she had expected, but again, it didn’t surprise her. After he had stormed out, she rolled out of bed and decided then to start her day. What difference did it make whether she got up now or stared at her ceiling for another half hour anyway?

When Clif showed up with the car at his normal time, Jensen was already in the back seat. He smiled at her as she climbed in next to him, the corner of his mouth dropping when she shook her head at him. Jensen nodded his understanding.

Y/n stared out the window as the lights of the city flashed passed them, one hand on her chin as she chewed on the nail of her thumb. Jensen’s fingers wrapped around her wrist and pulled her hand to his face, kissing the back of her knuckles. She turned to face him, a weak smile on her lips.

“Take a breath.” Y/n did as she was told, breathing in deeply and holding it for a beat before letting it back out. A move she had perfected years ago when her anxiety first started to go from bad to worse. She repeated the deep breath a few more times, allowing the action to help the stuttering in her chest slow down to a more bearable rate.

“It’s gonna be a long day.” She noted. Jensen nodded at her and linked his fingers with hers. There wasn’t much else to say between them. She had kept him up to date via text all weekend, so they were on the same page when it came to Jared.

Friday, she had said all she could to her brother. If he couldn’t accept her apology, what else was she to do? They both knew they had messed up and the guilt that has settled in her chest was suffocating. At this point though, she wouldn’t take any of it back. Jensen was the light she hadn’t known she was missing. He was her safe place, the one person that somehow knew her better than she knew herself. There was nothing that could persuade her from giving that up. Maybe it was selfish, but after everything she figured it was her turn to be a little selfish. If Jared had been there to peer over their shoulders, who’s to say they would have been able to truly find each other. No, that was a risk she couldn’t take.

They spent the rest of the ride in silence, neither knowing what would greet them when they reached set. With the tension in all of their relationships sure to be noticeable by everyone else, it was best that her and Jensen kept up their facade. The last thing either of them wanted was all their dirty laundry out for everyone to see, something they had come to an agreement on during their many conversations over the weekend.

Jensen led her towards the makeup trailer as she trailed behind a step. Crew greeted them on their way like usual, a ‘good morning’ here and a nod of a head there. Y/n noted as they walked past the trailers that Jared’s was dark. This didn’t mean much as the set was a large space, and he could still be anywhere. She knew what time he left the apartment, but she couldn’t be sure when he actually arrived on the set, if he had yet done so at all.

Jensen stepped up and pulled open the door to the makeup trailer, allowing her to enter first. She was greeted by a warm smile from Trish as she peeked over Jared’s head. Jared’s body stiffened as he caught his sister's eye in the mirror. Neither of them said a thing, allowing a heaviness to blanket the inside of the trailer. Neither looked away from each other either, their looks of longing and sadness literally mirroring each other’s. They stayed that way for what felt like minutes when in reality it was less than thirty seconds. Just enough time for Jensen to enter behind her, his visage in the mirror stealing Jared’s attention.

“Morning.” Trish broke the silence in the trailer as the door shut behind Jensen, who muttered a noncommittal response along with Y/n. Trish’s brow furrowed slightly, now picking up on the energy in the room, though she chose not to say anything.

“It seems like the sun might actually be on our side today.” Y/n noted, trying to break the tension and pull Trish’s focus. They had an outside shoot, and originally the forecast had called for rain, switching at the last minute to partly cloudy.

“As long as Jared here doesn’t sweat off all my hard work.” Trish teased as she leaned back to inspect her work. Jared’s clipped voice cut through the light conversation.

“Am I done?” Trish nodded, a soft ‘of course’ leaving her mouth. The poor woman had no idea what to make of the sudden mood shift in Jared. He jumped up from his chair and exited the trailer, the door slamming behind him. Y/n flinched at the noise and shared a quick, tense look with Jensen before Trish rounded on them, the furrow in her brow insisting on some answers.

“What’s up with him?”

“I’m not exactly sure.” Y/n lied, the words tumbling out of her mouth like vomit. “I haven’t spoken to him at all today.” That part wasn't a lie, though she didn’t feel any better about it. The purse in Trish’s lips had Y/n’s heart rate picking up for a moment as she tried to assess if the woman believed her. Trish hummed under her breath, content for now not to ask anymore questions. She collected her things in silence, bidding Jensen and Y/n a goodbye in no time. Y/n let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.

“I can’t do this.” She hung her head as the tears returned. Never before did she think she could cry this much, and she already admits to being a crier. She had been so sure that her tear ducts would have run dry from how much they were being used. A sob shook her chest as she just let go in the presence of just Jensen.

“Hey, come here.” Jensen’s hands found her waist and pulled her to sit in his lap, her legs laying across his own. “Please, don’t cry. Jared just needs more time.” His thumbs wiped the streams flowing down her cheeks away, the action in vain as the salty liquid just kept coming.

“I know, but I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this. I’ve never seen my brother like this and I just feel so damn guilty.”

“I get it, I do. But honey, you’ve said your peace. What else can you do?” Jensen placed a soft kiss to her forehead. Her breathing was beginning to even out as she got control of her emotions, allowing the proximity of Jensen to ease her mind. At least, she knew that she was not alone in all of this. There was one person that could understand this feeling in her gut. A soft hiccup fell from her lips before she spoke again.

“Beg for his forgiveness.” She suggested.

“If that’s really what you want to do, I’m here for you.” Jensen promised her, his eyes intent on hers as he made his promise known. A hint of a smirk appeared at the corner of his lips, offering her a view of her favorite dimple. He understood the hyperbole in her statement, something that she could never repay him for. Even still, she wasn’t completely opposed to the idea. It was just something to add to her list of the ways he had changed her life and view on the world.

****

The rest of their day consisted of much of the same. Jared was absent when he absolutely was not needed on the set. Though both of them still delivered Sam and Dean like they have been for the past fifteen years. Not that she doubted either of them. They were still professionals after all. The one big difference became their demeanor in between takes.

Y/n could tell people were clearly suspicious of both of the men’s activity, it was written all over their faces. Though, not one of them chose to comment, much like their dear Trish. She wasn’t sure it would last. Someone was bound to open their mouth sooner or later. She was just surprised it came almost a week and a half later.

Things had not gotten better in any sense of the word. Jared hadn’t said anything to either of them since the incident. Only interacting with Jensen when the script dictated so. It was the director who opened his mouth after the two men were struggling to connect for the first time in fifteen years.

“Okay, what is up with you two?” The man came out from behind the camera, his ball cap low on his head as he yelled cut. He hadn’t been getting the performance out of the boys for the dramatic brother scene they were filming today, and he knew something was up.

“Nothing.” Jared’s nostrils flared as he spoke, one of his little indicators that Y/n had picked up on growing up. He was annoyed and trying desperately to hide it.

“Bullshit. You guys haven’t so much as said two words to each other this whole episode.”

“It’s just stress. We are coming up on the end here and I think we are all getting a little emotional.” Jensen stepped up to offer an explanation.

“I’ve known you both for years. I’ve seen you go through all sorts of things, and never before have I seen this coldness between the two of you.”

“It’s nothing. I’m sorry. We will get it right.” Jensen promised. Though he didn’t seem convinced, the director left the two standing on stage and returned to his seat behind the camera.

“I’m so sick of you.” Jared’s voice was soft, but Jensen heard it.

“Excuse me?” He rounded on Jared.

“You heard me. You always think you know best. Nice cover story for Bill, didn’t want to tell him the real reason why I can’t even look at you?” Jared hissed. Jensen had no idea where this was coming from. Sure, he knew Jared was pissed, but he had never seen him act out like this. It was scaring him to be completely honest.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think you would want our business spreading around the set. You know how gossip can travel, especially when it involves the leads.” Jensen shot back. Trish nudged Y/n’s shoulder when she noticed the heated exchange between the actors. Y/n whipped around to where she had indicated. From her spot, she couldn’t hear exactly what was happening, but it was a safe bet that it had to do with her.

“I’m not the one that has anything to be ashamed about. I’m the victim here.” Jared shoved Jensen. The force wasn’t anything that the man could’ve done at his full strength, but it was enough for Jensen to stumble backwards on his feet. Jensen made no move to react, instead simply accepting the punishment that Jared was dealing out for him.

It was what happened next that was a blur. Jensen’s lack of a reaction seemed to only piss Jared off more, and he moved to push Jensen harder this time. Jensen dodged the movement, ready this time, only for a swarm of crew members to step between them before things could escalate even further.

Y/n couldn’t focus on anything but the sound of her heart thrumming in her ears as the tears threatened to fall once again. The sounds of grumbled shouts from the director for everyone to take a thirty minute break sounded like she was underwater. Jared was pushed back from the set by someone with their hand against his shoulder. Jensen walked off on his own in the opposite direction.

What did it feel like to be kicked in the gut? Right now she was sure the feeling in her abdomen was a close approximation. The two men she loved most in this world were at odds because of her. Panic, guilt and fear all swirled into one nauseating sensation. She just wanted the world to stop, if only for a few hours, so she could get her shit together. So she could figure out a way to fix all of this. She had to fix this.

Part 20

Forevers: @spn-impala @22sarah08 @turtlepad @callmekda @chaldei @hobby27 @cowboysnwinchesters @tranquility-or-chaos @pikabootoyouchu @dawnie1988 @grease222 @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @polina-93 @clarinette07 @moonlight-babeh @suckerforfanfics @witandnargles @sleepylunarwolf @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan @geeksareunique @akshi8278

Et Cetera: @jbbarnesgirl @hillface89 @arses21434 @thevelvetseries @sslater34 @mrsirishboru @smoothdogsgirl @spnfamily-j2 @encounterthepast @facadeformyrealblog @supernatural-bellawinchester @screechingartisancashbailiff @rebeccathefangirl @squirrelnotsam @heartinmyhead1 @1d-killed-me @samsgirl93 @deans-baby-momma @deanmonandnegansbitch @woodworthti666 @supraveng @onethirstyunicorn @heartsaved @know2grow @littlewhiterose @surprisinglysarah @stoneyggirl @carryon-doctor-lock @thebookisbtr @youaremyfiveever @kalesrebellion @lilulo-12 @winchester-fantasies @vicmc624 @supernatural3002 @winchester-writes

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amwritingmeta · 4 years

Text

End of S15 Spec: Is Cas Returning to Heaven?

My dearlings, my sweetlings, my buttery, Scottish shortbreads -

We’re in times of great turmoil right now and my only way to relax myself out of the need to check my Twitter feed every other minute and retweet all the inspiring or infuriating or educational stuff that’s coming at me left, right and centre, is to write. I started working on this piece of spec a little while back, after talking to @waywardliliana (hey girl hey) and last week I felt inspired to start writing this spec-meta-hopes-and-wishes-whathaveyou, so here we are.

This spec was actually brought on by Liliana telling me a prevailing theory in fandom right now (or a few weeks back) which is that Cas is going to die in 15x18.

As far as I understand it from Liliana, this theory is based on the fact that Jensen and Misha were talking at VegasCon about having shot a heavy scene just the two of them (and quite possibly with Alex) before heading off to the con, and this scene is taking place sometime during 15x18.

That’s literally all I know, but that’s what I’m basing this spec on: something heavy happening between Dean and Cas in 15x18 as per “confirmed” by the actors themselves.

So, off the cuff: I don’t think Cas is going to die.

Mostly due to narrative reasons, because I can’t see how him dying would service the story they’ve built for him this season whatsoever (let’s not forget about his deal with the Empty) (and I’ll dig deeper into that) nor how it would play into his individual arc as a whole, but also because it’s too repetitive.

We’ve seen him die an angel death, we don’t need to see it again, nor would it be as impactful as Cas’ death at the end of S12 (and beginning of S7) where both instances can be looked at as serving to push Dean into a state of grief, where we got the chance to feel the loss and absence of Cas through how it affected Dean. Yeah? (yes!)

It’s always been beautifully handled, to be honest. Dean losing faith (and most starkly his faith in himself) when losing Cas. It happened in the S7 greif arc, and it happened in an even more condensed and pointed way in S13.

Because in S13, unlike in S7, Dean is no longer forcing a smile and pretending he’s okay. Instead, he’s wearing his anger like the armour it is, while telling Sam he’s fine, which Sam sees through very easily, and we do too, because of course he’s not fine. Until we finally get Dean admiting he needs Sam to keep the faith, because right now Dean can’t believe in a damn thing.

*mh mh good*

(it even happened to some extent in S15 after Cas left) (though then he was more in the I don’t give a fuck anymore mood) (once Cas comes back who is it that suddenly cracks the case of how to fight God wide open?) (yup) (our Dean that’s who)

So what would Cas dying bring to Dean’s individual arc this time around?

What would Cas dying mean for Cas’ individual arc?

Cas has died specifically to underpin Dean’s progression (or rather, to show us where that progression needs to take him) (and to give us a gorgeous underlining of how Cas is Dean’s happiness because of Dean’s attitude change when Cas comes back in S13) (hey-oh!) and Cas has died specifically to allow for his own rebirth, to push him into a new stage in his own progression toward self-actualisation, so killing him at the end of his journey would mean… he ends up in the Empty?

But the tying up of the dangling loose end that is Cas’ deal with the Empty needs to be linked directly to Cas giving himself permission to be happy.

I will dig deeper into this, but I doubt we’re getting him permitting himself to be happy in 15x18, because looking at this show’s narrative structure as it’s always been used before: either this moment needs to be linked back to his individual arc and his growing sense of identity, or it needs to be tied to Dean (because no enormous turning point for either character happens without it affecting the other) and neither of these are, to me, entirely viable.

That said, I mostly don’t see Cas ever going back to the Empty based in what I see the Empty as symbolically representative of, which is Cas’ Shadow, his unconscious, and Cas returning to its dwelling is a symbolical statement of defeat. He can’t fight the Empty, he can’t destroy the Empty, not while he is in the place where the Empty has the upper hand completely. Cas ending up in the Empty means his Shadow has won, there will be no integration, no self-actualisation, and Cas’ journey ends on a tragic note indeed.

Is that a fair reward for someone who has just overcome his fear of happiness? Because when the Empty shows to claim Cas, we’ll know that this is exactly what has happened, and it’s an incredibly important moment for Cas’ progression, signaling self-acceptance and self-love, daring to allow himself to feel that happiness, and, or so I would hope, doing so in clear defiance of the Empty’s lingering threat.

Because Cas feeling that strong in himself that he actually permits himself the happiness of the moment, knowing full well that it means the Empty will show, and feeling ready to face it head on (I mean, I have a loophole in mind, but I’ll get to that), it would be gigantically symbolic of how he’s crossing that threshold he’s been stood on for so long, no longer letting any of his fears rule him, no longer feeling any doubt or mistrust in himself.

*gah*

Cas actually being claimed right after his happiest moment and ending up in the Empty is not a fair reward, and Cas will not be narratively punished for reaching the climax of his progression.

So, no, I simply do not believe he’s set to die.

More on the Empty and all that happiness goodness as we go along.

Now, the following thoughts are based in my reading of this narrative, so let’s proceed with caution and I’m handing out salt for you to sprinkle all over this piece of pure speculation. Sprinkle it at will, please!

Let’s begin with my main speculation for the final few episodes of S15, which is:

Cas’ powers are fully restored and he goes back to Heaven.

How would this happen? I would suggest that, as we’re witnessing Jack begin to come into his full power (he’s already levelled up from archangel), growing ever more sure of himself in the process, we may get to witness the full extent and wonder of that power, and what better way to showcase the budding culmination of them, than through Jack mending Cas’ broken wings?

Of course, this is mere conjecture. There are a multitude of ways that Cas might end up powered up. Even God could play a role. Suggesting Jack is the source of this transformation is merely to create a foundation for the scenario, and it’s also fitting, as Jack has served to bring Cas a great deal of faith in his own capabilities, so Jack would serve well to give Cas the final push toward self-realisation, and Cas may very well need to remember what being whole as an angel feels like, to gain perspective on how to answer the ever-lingering questions of who he is and who he wants to be.

The biggest questions on the table for me, if this were to happen, are:

Would we get a heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas in 15x18 (heavy stuff), where their respective role in the other’s growth comes to a conclusion, and they take the lessons learned and carry on alone, but fulfilled, and grateful for having known each other, leading to a series ending where Cas stays in Heaven?

Or—>

Would we get to witness that heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas, but then, instead of staying in Heaven, would we get Cas, fully powered, gain the perspective he needs of who he truly is and who he wants to be, leading to a series ending where Cas chooses to become human, returning to Earth and all the shenanigans of a hunter life?

And finally —>

Is there a middle ground here?

There’s an old narrative question that comes to mind, posed to Cas in S9 (you know of which I speak), which is an articulation of Castiel’s deepest internal conflict, serving as motor for the character journey he’s pushed onto through meeting, and saving, Dean Winchester.

Two years ago I wrote an essay based around this question, and now, at the very end, I’m going to pose it again, and build the following meta analysis and speculation around what my answers to the above questions are, and why.

Angel or Man?

One straightforward question.

And yet, Cas’ identity crisis has been with him from the very start of S4, and this question has been at the back of his mind, grating away, causing confusion and erroding his sense of self, because he’s loyal to everyone but himself (perfectly mirroring Dean) and that dual loyalty - Heaven and Dean (humanity) - has always been the baseline for why he can’t answer this straightforward question for himself.

Since S13, when he got himself out of the clutches of the Empty and chose to return to Earth, there’s been, to my mind, a heavy subtextual hinting at Cas having made an actual and very real choice of where he wants to belong - no longer waiting to be told he belongs there, the way he’s shown to be throughout S12 - and this real choice of where he wants to belong comes after we’ve gotten to witness his declaration of love towards Dean and the Winchesters, Cas telling them they’re his family in 12x12, so it fits nicely with his internal progression.

It fits especially nicely when considering the Empty as a symbolic representative of Cas’ Shadow (Carl Jung for the win).

Because Cas standing up to his unconscious fears and telling them to release him makes a double underlining for why Cas, from 13x04 and onward, has been shown to be growing into his sense of belonging, leading to him finding clarity of where to draw the line for himself, without worrying about outside opinion; this moving into a sense of real self-worth reaching a culmination in him standing up for himself to Dean in 15x03.

In fact, Cas standing up for himself was an enormous internal turning point for him, and brought on an enormous internal turning point for Dean, which may hopefully lead to clarity for him as well, and healing, as Cas putting his foot down forced Dean to finally be the one to name the feeling that usually overrides everything else: his anger.

(many secondary characters have tried to bring this awareness as they’ve pointed this out to him) (dark!Kaia especially) (but it took Cas’ righteous anger and distancing for Dean to finally be forced into a position to admit it to himself) (and through it, admit his lack of control over it) (huuuuge step in his movement toward much needed self-insight) (being honest with yourself is the first step!)

*gah*

Now, if Cas has been shown to choose where he wants to belong, for himself: Earth; then throughout S13 and into S14 he was still shown to be heavily reliant on his core trait of loyalty in order to have a pronounced direction, because, to me, his purpose throughout these two seasons leading into S15 still needed to be dictated by where he could apply his sense of duty.

Once he returned from the Empty, it was made perfectly clear that his sense of duty had gone from Heaven, to Humanity.

Not only is this shown through how Cas states, more than once, that he willed himself back to Earth in order to fulfull his promise to Kelly Kline and protect her son, but it’s also given to us in how he uses his angelic powers for torture, once of his own accord, and then (horrifyingly) under the orders of Dean: Cas no longer serves Heaven, he serves Man. (more specifically Dean)

However horrifying - because he shouldn’t be taking orders at all, and he shouldn’t use his powers as a weapon like that - this shift is necessary to underline Cas’ evolving relationship with Heaven, which had its first nail driven into its coffin with Naomi, when she forced Cas to slaughter all those Deans, and its final nail given to us through Cas killing Duma, Cas showing us that he is now refusing to allow Heaven to exact any authority over him and, intriguingly enough for where we’re at now, rather choosing to deplete the needed Heavenly power source in order to kill a would-be oppressor, rather than see Heaven fall back into its previous totalitarian mode of regime.

Cas learning lessons in humanity and wanting to take them to Heaven to fix his home has been part of his arc since the end of S5, to rather disastrous effect, since he was ill-equipped to properly understand and incorporate lessons only half-learned.

Through him breaking away from Dean and leaving the bunker in 15x03, Cas showed independence in a way he never has before.

Of course, he’s always been the one to leave at a moment’s notice or disappear without so much as a by-your-leave, but this was a confrontation, tied directly to Dean’s inability to listen and to forgive.

It’s Cas refusing to be taken for granted, and this shows us how the biggest lesson the narrative has been trying to teach him is finally beginning to take proper hold, because refusing to be taken for granted means that his self-worth is at a point where he’s able to expect more for himself, because he knows he deserves better.

And, or so this meta writer would argue, because he knows Dean is better than how he’s behaving, and Cas is fed up with enabling Dean’s self-righteousness. *headcanon*

So, Cas is now equipped with a lot of the tools needed to bring actual balance to Heaven, to bring strong, good leadership that doesn’t look at human beings as something to scrape off the sole of their shoe. He has a stronger understanding of why humans human, and a sense of compassion that doesn’t cause doubt or confusion, but leaves him secure in his own viewpoint.

That said, we still have him identifying himself as a “thing” in the latter part of S14, which is something that leaves us without the actual answer to the above question, because even towards the end of S14 we have Cas unable to label himself as either or.

In fact, I would say that labeling himself a “thing” alongside Jack - a nephilim who is of Heaven, Earth and Hell - speaks to some amount of identity confusion.

So then.

Let’s ponder the final episodes - keeping in mind we’re just having some fun speculating - and consider the possibilities surrounding the final destination of Cas’ character journey, as well as how the possible outcomes affect his relationship with Dean.

Castiel, Angel of the Lord

Scenario the First —> Cas’ powers are fully restored and…

We get a heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas in 15x18 (heavy stuff), where their respective role in the other’s growth comes to a conclusion, and they take the lessons learned and carry on alone, but fulfilled, and grateful for having known each other, leading to a series ending where Cas stays in Heaven.

I mean, it’s emotionally neat, to be honest, because if we leave Destiel to the side and look at the plain text, Dean and Cas’ bond can be tied to their respective individual journeys through how Cas represents Faith to Dean, and Dean represents Humanity to Cas.

They are each other’s most repressed sides manifested, and they are an externalisation of each other’s internal compass, pointing them to the internal work they need to do to be able to reach self-actualisation through acknowledging, accepting and embracing what the other represents to them.

For Dean, it’s learning to have faith in himself, to trust, and in so doing, letting go of his need for control, tied directly to that anger of his.

For Cas, it’s facing and fully accepting the innate humanity he’s always displayed, trusting in it and having no reason to question, doubt or fear it.

So if we get a series ending where Dean is finally having pronounced faith (in himself, not in a higher power) (which is why God as the Big Bad is especially fitting like omfg), and this faith allowing him to tap into his sense of trust (in others rather than himself, but also this extended trust being possible thanks to his newfound trust in himself) and this sense of trust brings about some much needed inner peace, then Cas’ role in Dean’s arc has been fulfilled.

And if we have Cas bringing his accrued understanding and internalised humanity (trusting that his sense of compassion is a strength, not a weakness) back to Heaven in order to bring about actual balance and finally mending what he himself has played a large part in breaking apart, then that would fit with Cas’ overall arc and the lessons Dean, as a role model, was meant to teach will be implemented.

Neat.

Except.

Except for the fact that, if Cas goes fully-fledged angel, returns to Heaven and the series ends on him staying there, these three narratively unsatisfactory points hold true:

He will still, when dead, be bound for the Empty

He will be giving up his family

He will, end of the day, be embracing duty over freedom

Yeah, we need to talk about these three unsatisfactory points, fam.

1. The Empty

Ah, yes, here we go.

The lay of the land is that Cas made a deal with the Empty to save Jack. I wrote a long meta on this so I won’t go into too much detail, save to say that it’s a deal that left Cas promised to the Empty, with the twist that the Empty won’t claim Cas before he gives himself permission to be happy.

Yeah. Ouch much?

I’ve already argued my point for why I doubt Cas will die, but what would happen in a scenario where Cas returns to Heaven fully-fledged, meant to remain there for the rest of his… existence?

I would suppose there would needs be a reckoning between the Empty and Cas before Cas commits to this return, because since they planted the Empty lording its deal with Cas over Cas’ head as recently as 15x13, I have a hard time seeing the writers solving this plot point with anything less than us seeing Cas relaxing into a moment of happiness-permission.

That said, let’s say they do. Let’s say there’s a flick-of-the-wrist solution. I don’t think there will be, but for the sake of argument. And by flick-of-the-wrist I mean we get the Empty showing up in a moment where Cas is truly happy, but the Empty’s appearance doesn’t hold sway thanks to some external force: Jack or Death herself, rather than an internal triumph linked entirely to his individual arc, or in any way linked back to Dean.

(and though some may argue against the love story being canonically viable) (though I’d argue that it is) (the fact that Dean and Cas share a profound bond and a different dynamic to Sam and Cas, and even Dean and Sam, is canonically established) (through both grief!arcs for Dean) (and through Cas choosing to leave in S15 having everything to do with Dean and absolutely nothing to do with Sam)

Solving the deal with the Empty is fairly easily done, even though the flick-of-the-wrist solution won’t be as satisfactory for most of us who know Cas and root for him, and even if the flick-of-the-wrist moment could conceivably come with someone powerful enough (like Jack or even Death, who, though she won’t do hands on interference, seems to have made a promise to the Empty that it will get to go back to sleep once all is said and done) (but, as we know, Billie speaks in riddles), despite the viable characters possibly powerful enough to destroy the Empty, actually destroying it immediately feels, to me, like too big of a cop out and I doubt the writers would even consider it.

Again, this is very much based in my reading of the Empty as Cas’ Shadow, and Cas’ Shadow shouldn’t be destroyed.

For it all to symbolically line up, the Empty should be symbolically integrated.

(the way Michael - Dean’s Shadow representative - wasn’t destroyed, but instead had his essence swallowed down by Jack, becoming a part of him instead, and all that symbolic toxic masculinity poison inside Jack leading to all sorts of narrative repercussions, needing to be levelled out by Jack growing enough to retrieve his soul and return his own internal equilibrium) (which, in turn, is highly symbolic on so many levels) (but enough digression)

Based on this, once the battles are won and God has been defeated, the Empty would remain. So even though the deal is dealt with through whatever means it’s dealt with: that dark, vast, nothing would be the place where angels who die go to suffer a restless, horrific sleep.

For eternity.

And that’s my first argument for why I personally do not want Cas to remain an angel past the conclusion of the show: the Empty looms as victor and will eventually get to claim Cas, even if Cas gets out of the deal he’s made.

I mean, how likely is it that Cas doesn’t face death at some point, really? He’s pretty prone to dying, especially dying for what he believes to be right.

Digression into The Middle Ground as it should be tied in here:

The Middle Ground

Scenario the Third —>

Is there a middle ground here?

Now, here’s a bit of a rub, because way I see it, exploring if there’s a possibility of Cas ending up neither fully-fledged nor human needs to be based in the assumption that Cas isn’t getting his powers back at all.

Which means that, in this middle ground scenario, whatever exchange that occurs between Dean and Cas in 15x18 has nothing to do with them.

For example, the heavy scene that Jensen and Misha were talking about Dean and Cas suffering through could have to do with Jack, though if something terrible is going to happen to Jack or if Jack is going to sacrifice himself for the greater good, I have a hard time seeing Sam not being present.

However, for arguments sake…

In this scenario, where Cas doesn’t power up, we should thirdly assume that we’re left with there being no reason for Cas to choose a human life either.

He simply remains in the same shape and form in which he currently is.

The same shape and form that he’s held since S9, when he suited back up after the human!Cas arc and readied himself for war, necessarily and formidably and to his emotional detriment for many years as it brought on his darkest arc (Lucifer possession).

This choice was a narrative necessity, because human!Cas was already growing into his own skin by 9x09, and it’s made perfectly clear why Cas had to go through it all, because he had to face his fear of being useless without his powers, and unaccepted as an equal and nothing more than expendable with them.

So, would the middle ground scenario - keeping him as is, with all the character progression intact and him, clearly, set to grow and evolve beyond the series’ ending - be narratively satisfactory?

And by narratively satisfactory I mean that this scenario:

ties up loose ends

justifies the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression

leaves us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative

I’ll get back to this, but for now I’ll reiterate how Cas remaining an angel in any shape or form, be it the one he’s had for many a season, or a new and powered up version, still means, as per our narrative, that he’s going to have to spend eternity in the Empty.

So, no.

To me - not satisfactory.

Now for the second point up for discussion, should the series end with Cas becoming fully-fledged and returning to Heaven to stay there —>

(while bearing in mind that this is all conjecture and based in my reading of this narrative) (don’t forget them pinches of salt, my loves)

2. Giving Up His Family

Would he have to give up his family, though? If he goes fully-fledged and returns to Heaven to lead in any capacity, doesn’t that just mean that he’ll hear Dean’s prayers and return as often as he can? Which, if their previous track record is anything to go by, would be often. It’s not like this is an ending, right?

Well.

I think it has to be for the narrative to actually have a conclusion.

They could half-ass it and leave the ending open to interpretation, sure; but the question as it stands to be answered is for Castiel to choose between being an angel and being a man, and narratively the half-assed answer is how he’s been living for the majority of his journey.

He has, since S9, been sincerely stuck between these two modes of existing, one foot in Heaven and the other out of it, and for a lot of his progression, this half-assed state of existence has meant horribly broken wings and thinking himself only useful as a weapon.

The narrative itself has pushed for Cas’ internal conflict to be centered on how to honestly answer the question of what his true identity is, and the only way for him to answer it honestly is to gain perspective enough so that he’s able to take a long hard look at who he wants to be.

Due to this, Cas’ internal conflict, since S4, has been circling Cas’ avoidance of being honest with himself. (perfectly mirroring Dean)

So for the narrative to end on the answer being angel, only for Cas to continue to be allowed to half-ass it (because it would be too sad to watch him make a choice that means giving up his family) leaves his journey, and all those hard-learned lessons, coming across as rather pointless.

He was stuck half-assing it for all these years because he hadn’t found the needed perspective to answer the question honestly, so if his honest answer is angel and this honest answer is meant to bring self-actualisation and a step toward real internal balance (or internal completion, if you will) then leaving him in a half-assing it state as the narrative concludes is unsatisfactory.

Let’s look again at the ways to narratively satisfactorily end Cas’ journey:

tying up loose ends

justifying the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression

leaving us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative

The answer is yes to all of these points if Cas becomes a fully-fledged angel and STAYS in Heaven, with no detours to Earth, because angels aren’t meant to walk the Earth, and it was them walking the Earth after staying away for two thousand years that really started this whole roller coaster ride of destruction and mayhem, right? Right.

Castiel making peace with his past and accepting the fact that he was never meant to live an earthbound existence, taking all the good things humanity has taught him, and fully embracing his own innate humanity in order to take away the fear and indoctrination of Heaven, would make for a satisfactory ending to his individual arc.

At least the superficial reading of it.

And I’m not about the superficial reading of it.

And of course I don’t want this for Cas. But looking at it from a purely narrative viewpoint, I can see how this could work.

It just means that Cas would have to recognise his ties to Dean for what they are (in this scenario): a teachable moment. And Cas has learned his lessons. And he’ll always be grateful, but it’s time for him to let go.

Yeah, like I said, I don’t want this for Cas or for Cas and Dean, but I can see it as viable. More viable than Cas half-assing it as a fully-fledged angel, because that leaves a much bigger narrative exclamation point for me in that it basically invalidates the necessity for his broken wings and rebellion as part of his character growth.

If he’s going to land back exactly where he started, then he should’ve been able to get there fully-fledged. But, of course, he couldn’t get there fully-fledged because the writers couldn’t work him into the narrative if he was powered up.

He was always too powerful an ally to the very breakable brothers, and if he’d been fully-fledged throughout, it would’ve messed up our sense of the stakes.

But now, should he be allowed to half-ass it as fully-fledged once the narrative has ended, his brokeness, which has always been so essential to his progression, will come across much less as an integral part of that, and all the more like nothing but a narrative necessity, rather than a way to structure and explore Cas’ needs as a character for internal growth that have always, so beautifully, mirrored Dean’s needs.

Of course, if Cas were to choose to go back (forever), then there’s the highly satisfactory tie-back potential of a goodbye between Cas and Dean linking right back to the end of S8, giving us the gravitas of the “ET goes home” moment in full regalia.

It would be heartbreaking af, but for it to hold that gravitas, ET really has to get on that spaceship and go off home forever this time. You know?

In my book, it would be the tragedy to end all tragedies. *please no*

3. Duty over Freedom

This is a big one for me.

It’s a big one because the overarching and driving themes of our narrative have always had to do with —>

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and duty)

And the constant push and pull of these three thematic threads decrees the ups and downs of Cas’ progression, as well as Dean’s, because of the way that their deeply rooted view on duty is directed at everything and everyone but themselves, and this view on duty is informed by their sense of loyalty, and that sense of loyalty is all askew due to their lack of self-worth.

Sam has this same duty-triggered sense of loyalty as well, though in a slightly different guise, because though Dean and Cas have both been messed up by their respective fathers’ indoctrination into soldierdome (the root of the root of their view on duty) Sam’s sense of duty is to his father figure, which is Dean.

Sam may have rejected feeling any sense of duty towards John, but the codependency has ensured that Sam is still stuck in the same pattern, has learned it, one might say, through looking up to Dean and, to my mind, knowing the sacrifices Dean has always made, putting Sam first, no matter what, and the codependency has held due to Sam’s diminished self-worth after every choice he made during his time with Ruby.

Defeating the devil and saving the world, in spite of those choices, wasn’t enough to heal the trauma he inflicted on his own self-perception, and his trust began to seep out of him with every new situation lobbied at him where control was taken away from him. So he handed that control over to Dean. And let him lead. Because it was just easier.

(I love this show so much) (the threading is so breathtaking)

Now, back to Cas —>

The narrative has worked to teach Cas a lesson.

The lesson of choice.

But making choices without having the self-worth to trust your innate instincts, as well as having an understanding of your own morals and boundaries, is a recipe for disaster.

As the narrative has shown us, time and again.

Each horrific choice Cas has made has been pushing for him to gain enough self-insight that he’ll learn from his mistakes, and grow.

And he has.

There is the darker side of duty, the one where one does what one has to, where one makes the bad deal, where fear is allowed to govern one’s sense of direction, and old patterns are easier to remain in than forging new ones.

This is the sense of duty all of our main characters seem set to break away from.

But, of course, their core traits are also informed by their deeply felt need to protect innocent life, to step in where they know they’re the only ones who can actually make a difference, to take responsibility for ensuring the safety of people who are in harms way.

Yah, this sense of duty (the one that makes them into actual heroes) is informed by the good side to loyalty.

What they need to break away from is following old patterns blindly, without asking themselves what they actually want, and without much planning or hope for the future.

So if the scenario we get is the one that gives us Castiel, Angel of the Lord, where he goes back to Heaven at the end of the series, with all the bells and whistles that comes along with that, allowing Cas to actually bring about some sense of peace and order and fix his home, then we still get the unsatisfactory ingredient of Cas reverting back to old patterns, because we have this stated:

You listen to me. Look, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you… It’s been the best part of my life, and the things we’ve shared together - they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you.

We have it narratively stated through dialogue that Cas:

considers his time on Earth the best part of his “life” (a very human thing for an angel to say btw)

that what he’s shared with the Winchesters has changed him (and we’ve seen that manifested in all of the choices he’s made throughout S13-15 where he stopped serving Heaven, began serving Man only to, by beginning of S15, start to serve himself, listening to his own wants and needs and setting clear boundaries for how he expects to be treated)

that he considers the Winchesters - and, of course, this now includes Jack - as his family

and he loves them

He loves them. One might say that his heart is, symbolically, earthbound.

Back to the bulletpoint overview of how to narratively satisfactorily end Cas’ journey and, keeping in mind the three points discussed above of what remaining an angel at the end of his journey would actually mean for Cas as a character, we ask ourselves:

Does him remaining an angel satisfactorily tie up loose ends?

Does him remaining an angel justify the obstacles he’s had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression?

Does him remaining an angel leave us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative?

For me, it’s a pretty big and hella bold-lettered no to the first two, and a meh to the third one, because yes, we’ll get a good idea of what a Heavenbound Cas might do with his existence, but it’s not a satisfactory yes, because of all the already mentioned reasons.

He’ll have answered the identity question by choosing Angel as his reply, but that reply nullifies so much of the emotional growth he’s done over the years, and goes against the multitude of narrative statements given to us of where he feels he belongs.

So, nothing else to do but to discuss the second possible scenario on our checklist, right?

Yaaaaassss indeed. Not going to lie. I’m partial to this one. Pardon me if my love for the human!Cas arc shines through. (it glitters and sparkles)

So Very, Very Human

Scenario the Second —> Cas’ powers are fully restored and…

We get to witness that heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas, but then, instead of staying in Heaven, we get Cas, fully powered, gaining the perspective he needs of who he truly is and who he wants to be, leading to a series ending where Cas chooses to become human, returning to Earth and all the shenanigans of a hunter life.

My main reason for standing so firmly behind the idea of Castiel cutting out his grace and choosing a human life is anchored in the three thematic tentpoles of this narrative’s push for character progression.

As already mentioned, they are:

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and duty)

The in-between state Cas has been hovering in since Dean’s death at the end of S9, an in-between state that won’t be satisfactorily concluded (as per my above argumentation against it) through him becoming a fully-fledged powered up angel of the lord warrior of Heaven again, would be satisfactorily concluded should he choose, for himself, that where he wants to be, where he belongs, is with his family.

He belongs on Earth.

And the foremost reason for why he belongs on Earth isn’t actually based in the fact that it’s where those he loves are, it runs deeper than that, because in order for Cas to feel whole, in order for him to feel, as the narrative has put it more than once in the last few seasons, complete, he needs to accept what his true form is, he needs to open up to what the narrative has tried to teach him and show him, for all these years, that it is, and that true form is human.

Do we need him to feel whole? There are plenty of broken people in this world, right? Why can’t Cas be representative of someone who has found his place, regardless of whether he’s all fixed up? Perhaps he keeps his broken wings and still changes his attitude from feeling like he’s a “thing” to thinking of himself as simply himself?

Perhaps he already is doing exactly that?

This line of questioning brings us back to —>

The Middle Ground

Let’s reiterate Scenario the Third: based in the assumption that Cas isn’t getting his powers back at all, and we’re left with there being no reason for Cas to choose a human life either. He simply remains in the same shape and form that he’s more or less held since S9.

Now, I’ll ask it again: would the middle ground scenario - keeping him as is, with all the character progression intact and him, clearly, set up to grow and evolve beyond the series’ ending - be narratively satisfactory?

Does it tie up loose ends?

Does it justify the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression?

Does it leave us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative?

Well, let’s see.

Does Cas remaining as he has been - broken wings and all - tie up loose ends?

Loose ends for Cas would be the fact that Heaven is falling apart; the deal with the Empty; answering that overarching question of Angel or Man? (no longer considering himself an in between thing); claiming the place where he belongs (a Cas is Back in Town moment); displaying a healthy sense of duty (shield rather than weapon) and narratively being rewarded for Big Lessons Learned.

Loose End: Heaven is Falling Apart —>

As mentioned, Cas has tried to fix his home since end of S5, where he declared that was he was going to do to a grief stricken Dean, and left (oh Cas)

Cas’ first attempt was to bring what he’d learned about free will to Heaven, trying to teach it to the angels, discovering, to his great despair, that it’s like trying to teach poetry to fish, but, again, I would argue that Cas wasn’t fully equipped to act the teacher, and because he forced himself into the role, seeing no other way to beat Raphael than to push for the type of rebellion he learned how to stage through his time with Dean, it ended with Cas’ confused sense of identity manifesting in him morphing into the figure he’d hoped could save them all: God.

Rather than believing he was enough, he could see no other choice but to become something else entirely, something that went against everything he truly believes to his core to be right, turning him into something violent and discompassionate, pushing him to finally admit the error in his choice, only to have it be too late, and that choice ending up setting the Leviathan loose on the world while he died in that lake, paying the ultimate price for his mistakes.

This part of Cas’ backstory, the deep failure, the shame, the guilt that came with it, has been underpinning Cas’ lack of self-worth and, more importantly, his lack of self-trust ever since he came back in 7x17.

This is why Heaven now sitting on the brink of collapse is tied so specifically to his character journey and why it’s an important loose end that is in need of tying up, not only plot wise, but as part of a narrative statement clarifying Cas’ progression.

How so?

Because there should be good reason - whether Cas stays on Earth as is, or whether he makes the choice to become human - for him to feel at peace with that choice, and especially if Cas is to stay as is - broken wings and all - there’s even more reason for us to understand that he’s no longer in-between Heaven and Earth: he’s able to let Heaven go.

So if Heaven is no longer crying out for him to, out of sheer narrative necessity, stay dutifully tied to that sense of guilt and shame that his previous failures have placed in him, keeping him feeling ever so responsible for his birthplace, making it rather impossible for him to actually weigh what he truly wants for himself, then once Heaven is balanced out, what we might get to witness is Cas able to definitively let Heaven go. Cas making one final choice of remaining on Earth, and making it for himself.

Saving Heaven from this threat of continued errosion is most easily accomplished through two narrative tools that are already established in the narrative:

Jack using his powers to help restore this balance

or an archangel returning to Heaven and restoring a semblence of it’s former glory (Michael might change his mind...for example)

Both these things can happen without Cas being fully-fledged, nor does he need to be human, he can stay just as he’s been and Heaven can still find balance.

One could even see how Heaven actually being balanced out at the end of the series and Cas being allowed to breathe again could be structured into serving as his narrative reward for Big Lessons Learned. Because there should be a reward at the end of Cas’ journey. He’s literally been to Hell and back.

The thing is that for that reward to be apparent to us, we need to see the moment where he truly earns it, a moment that establishes that he’s not only aware of what the narrative has been pushing for him to learn, but the Big Lessons are internalised and his journey has worked to evolve him.

The simplest way of showing these Big Lessons Learned to the audience and clarifying this moment of Cas earning his reward, is by giving us a sense of Cas choosing.

Why?

Because the narrative, as already offered, is based in the theme of Freedom of Choice, and ideally Cas’ choice would tie directly in with the other two overarching themes of identity and family.

Which lands us in this question: What exactly would Cas be shown to choose should he remain as is?

Because, to my mind, Cas remaining as he is makes it pretty difficult to show him making any sort of choice, since he is literally just staying as he has been, especially as he has been since he made that choice back in 13x04 of returning from the Empty to Earth, being sent back in his old vessel.

See, he’s already chosen where he wants to belong, and S15, if anything, has underlined this choice having been made, through Cas’ confrontation with Dean, Cas leaving the bunker because of Dean, and then returning, before Dean apologised, because Dean being a dickhead no longer interferes with Cas’ sense of self: he knows where he belongs.

(and without him returning nothing will change) *slow eye-brow raise*

And it may not have been an overt Cas is Back in Town moment, but it came damn close.

So, then, what choice does he need to make?

For me, the choice isn’t where to belong, because the answer has been given to us through his actions since S13, but especially throughout S15, but rather the choice still ahead of him is how to belong.

And lest we forget, should Cas choose to belong on Earth as an angel, he will still, by all accounts, be headed for the Empty once all is said and done, Because at the end of it all, the Empty will (most likely) get to go back to sleep. I cannot see it going bye-bye.

So the fact remains that, even if there’s some way out of Cas’ current Empty deal, there’s nowhere else for Cas to go when he dies.

And after everything he’s been through (and as per the romantic in me) shouldn’t he get to go to Heaven, and shouldn’t it be a shared Heaven, one where his soulmate resides? I would argue with my last breath that the answer is yes.

But, my loves, there’s only one way for him to get there.

Oh, let me add that I don’t believe Cas still has his soul, because then he wouldn’t have gone so completely to the Empty after his angel death. Honestly, I like it better that way, because the humanity of humans is often professed to reside with their soul, but Cas is a statement of how one’s humanity is actually tied to one’s choices, giving us an excellent example of how it doesn’t matter what you are, it matters what you do.

Jack’s choices, for example, may have become heavily influenced by him losing his soul and his ability to feel fully, but most of his mistakes were brought on because of the lack of guidance he suffered. WWWD was not a very good piece of advice, and had Dean been the one to take on the responsibility (which he couldn’t, because of his suspicion rooted in all his own fears, but if he had) then the outcome would’ve most likely been a different one.

I’ll leave the How Cas Can Get Into Heaven topic for now, and focus us back on the loose ends, because the one that sticks out the most - at least to me - is how, if Cas were to remain as he is, neither getting his wings back nor choosing to become human, we will not get an actual answer to the narratively posed question of Angel or Man?

Loose End: The Question of His True Identity

Cas remaining as is, isn’t a final choice.

It may be an acceptance of how he has to remain broken and somewhat stuck in-between if he’s to live on Earth and be with his human family, but it’s not a choice, not really, not this late in the game.

For me, this isn’t a deal breaker (in fact, no scenario really is because I in no way expect all of this to be hitting the spot to a T anyway) but it would be highly unsatisfactory.

Why is it so important to get a definitive answer to the Angel or Man question? After all, it was posed six seasons ago and perhaps the narrative has actually moved on from it?

Yes, this is absolutely a good point and a possibility at that, and, again, I am in no way deluded enough to think that all of this speculation will hit on what we’ll actually get with even the slightest precision, but for my own sake (which is really why I’m outlining all these thoughts yeah?) I want to push for why I still feel, to my core, that leaving Cas with broken wings, even if he finds self-worth and self-actualisation in that half-state, there is something deeply unsatisfactory in the loose end of not actually answering the question of which side to him - the angelic or the human - that actually brings him the most happiness.

(I almost wrote “which side to him actually sparks joy”) (but no) (I mean kinda yes he should Marie Kondo his insides) (we all should do that once in a while) (them mean thoughts and them self-destructive impulses?) (yeah they can go) (anyway…)

Not giving us a definitive answer to the question of identity is especially dissatisfying as the narrative, for over ten years of character journey, has shown us how miserable it makes Cas to not be earthbound. In fact, the one time he made the choice to go back to Heaven and close the gates behind him forever in order to save humanity, the narrative said nope, don’t think so - and brought him right back to humanity. By making him human.

I will concede to this being my interpretation of Cas’ journey, because nowhere in canon is this stated, but way I see it, Cas has been transitioning from angel to human since the second he touched Dean in Hell.

And it’s not a desire placed there by Dean, it’s something Cas has carried within himself, a curiosity, and a seedling of doubt, ever since he came off the assembly line with a crack in his chassis.

Gripping Dean tight and raising him from perdition merely served to give Cas’ already existing curiosity, and doubt, something to actually focus on. Something to focus on so hard that all the brainwashing done by Heaven couldn’t keep it at bay anymore, because it’s part of who Cas truly is to question authority, to seek free will, to not be used as a weapon, but to step in and act the shield of his own volition.

Which brings us back to the second scenario, which I’m now going to expand on —>

So Very, Very Human (again)

Remember those three tentpoles of this narrative’s push for character progression?

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and sense of duty)

And what were all those loose ends in need of being tied up?

Heaven is falling apart

The deal with the Empty

Answering that overarching question of Angel or Man? (no longer considering himself an in between thing)

Claiming the place where he belongs (a Cas is Back in Town moment)

Displaying a healthy sense of duty (shield rather than weapon)

Narratively being rewarded for Big Lessons Learned

I am not saying Cas has to become human in order for his journey to conclude 100% satisfactorily, thus spake the lords of storytelling; I am open to (no I mean it sincerely) whatever is headed our way, whatever the writers choose as an ending that is satisfactory to them, I will accept it, whatever guise it takes, yeah?

This is simply my personal preference for what would be the most satisfactory to me, and I’m making that statement now, because I’m about to go headfirst into outlining exactly why. Thanks for sticking with me this far. You’re awesome. *heart eyes*

Okay.

Human!Cas.

Before we look ahead, I’d like us to look back, all the way back to S9 and the human!Cas arc, because I’d like to explain, briefly, why I put down the need for a Cas is Back in Town moment amidst those loose ends.

You see, when Cas first experienced mortality, we all know it started rough. It started with him feeling lost and being all alone and getting himself killed and then it continued with him believing he’d finally come home to roost in the bunker, only to be inexplicably thrown out, by Dean, and then Cas went on to find himself a human persona (Steve) and learning to mimick other humans and doing simply what he figured was expected of him, and then Dean came into town and because Dean encouraged Cas to get in on the case, Cas was brought into a situation where he had no choice but to face the fear of getting himself killed again, only this time he’d probably stay dead - a fear that had been festering like a terrible festering festerer - and once he’d done that, he was able to finally admit to himself that “Steve” wasn’t anything but an armour and he dropped that armour and then we got the Cas is back in town moment of 9x09 fame.

So.

It would be awesome for him to have another Cas is Back in Town moment.

Why, exactly?

Because that’s the moment in the human!Cas arc when we are shown, unequivocally, that Cas’ sense of identity is flourishing. He is choosing to insert himself into the investigation, even though the last time we saw Cas, it was when he was told by Dean Touchstone for all Things Human Winchester to go and live his life, basically having it explained to him, by his foremost role model for what humanity is, that life, and specifically this newfound life of Cas’, should be lived away from dangerous things.

Cas being back in town, and happy and proud to be so, is all about Cas embracing his innate need to protect, even if that means risking his own life, and choosing a hunter life for himself, finding his way back to the people he loves by being entirely honest with himself about who he is and who he wants to be, not allowing fear to rule him.

He follows his heart, you might say. (go on, you know you wanna say it)

And yes, out of narrative necessity - because Cas can’t see how he can help save/heal Sam or stave off the brewing war as a human - Cas then chooses to swallow stolen grace and get his powers back, which, btw, brings about the most heartbreaking phone exchange between Dean and Cas ever. Ow. My damn heart.

So then, that’s the human!Cas arc in brief, and the core reason for why I feel so very strongly that Cas - who screwed himself by swallowing that grace, unable to see how he could possibly be useful in the fight as a human, even though he displays a stronger sense of self as a human than he ever has as an angel - would be happiest, at the end of his journey, if he were to end it on making the choice to become human, to live a mortal life, with his family, on Earth.

And, yes, then, rather than spending eternity in the dread Empty, getting to go to Heaven with the man he goddamn well loves, innit?

Ah, but there’s more. Oh, yes.

1. Identity

In ways that remaining an angel narratively simply cannot provide, Cas choosing to become human would cement the end of his transitioning period and would be the final marker for those Big Lessons Learned.

The Big Lessons presented to him throughout the narrative, meant to bring him to a point of growth in his progression where he can finally and honestly and without hesitation answer the questions Who am I? and Who do I want to be? ie. What do I want?

And, yes, if the answer to these questions were: Human. and To live a long and happy life. then this would also answer the question of what Cas’ true identity is, ie. it would provide the conclusive reply to the Angel or Man? query.

And yes, of course, so would the reply Angel, but as I’ve attempted to demonstrate through my above argumentation, replying Angel still comes with dangling loose ends.

I would also argue that Cas’ happiest moment could be, and even should be, tied to his moment of self-actualisation, his moment of finally being honest with himself, not only honest about where he truly belongs, but how he wants to belong there.

He’s been missing that PB&J, but he has never believed that he would be of any use in the fight if he doesn’t have his powers. He’s been unable to actually see himself as part of the Winchester clan if he doesn’t have something to bring to the table, because the last time he tried, he was left with what he saw as no other choice but to admit defeat and swallow that stolen grace, so that he could power back up and feel ready, feel less vulnerable, find those old, worn patterns and take comfort from them.

To have Cas restored to full strength - because I do believe it would be a beautiful moment, not just for Cas, but for Jack as well, and if Dean is there, then it would be an all around gorgeous moment of healing - to then have Cas, with all his powers, finally admit that he doesn’t want them, because he doesn’t need them anymore, they’re not as much a part of him as they’re a helpful side effect to being an angel, and he doesn’t belong in Heaven, he doesn’t want to be in Heaven, and he may not know exactly what a human life will entail - he has an inkling, since his stint as a human, but there’s still so much he’s never experienced - he just knows he wants it.

And this would all be brain-crackling, full of satisfaction and tying up of many loose ends, as well as underlining the actual necessity for Cas’ journey through all of the Big Lessons Learned. *feels*

There could be stakes added here, tying back to S8 and the closing of the gates. To bring about balance, perhaps the gates of Heaven and Hell need to close for good? Ie. there’ll be no more angels and demons walking the Earth. So the choice for Cas wouldn’t be an in between one, it would be an either or. Stay in Heaven forever and remain an angel, or go back to Earth, but go back as a human.

It fits the narrative if anything like this were to happen - Cas being confronted with an ultimatum that forces clarity - because Cas isn’t contemplating cutting out his grace. Not yet. He’s safe within the status quo and sees no reason to question it, not even with the Empty popping up to remind him of their deal.

Aw, yes, let’s explore how the Empty so neatly ties in with Cas’ fear of happiness. (perfectly mirroring Dean)

Now, remember, I’m looking at this with the Empty as representative of Cas’ Shadow, which, in Carl Jung terms means the Empty is a manifestation of Cas’ unconscious.

The Shadow, made up of repressed thoughts, desires and feelings, doesn’t trust that anything will ever be okay or that anything good will last - it’s up to oneself to consciously strive to dare to believe in such things, and conquer one’s unconscious fears, because if our fears are allowed to influence and rule us, then real happiness will be difficult to accept as lasting, and the emotional roller coaster will feel safer than actually standing still in a balanced frame of mind.

The Shadow is in charge of that roller coaster. It’s not really as menacing as it’s made out to be through the Empty, but it is still a side to oneself that one has to face, accept and integrate in order to find that balanced from of mind.

Looking at it from this point of view - and I do - the Shadow telling Cas to keep fearing that moment of happiness — because it won’t last, it will mean he’s bound for the Empty, and a horrifying eternal non-sleep, with no peace in sight — is a manipulative tactic to keep Cas from striving toward self-actualisation and integration.

Because if he does reach self-actualisation, if he balances himself out and gets a moment of perfect internal clarity, where there’s no need for fear, where he’s been able to be honest with himself and honestly LOVE himself in the process, then that moment of self-actualisation will allow him to see his Shadow clearly, and integrate it through acceptance of his own flaws - that shame and guilt and all of that fear of failure will begin to be healed, and his Shadow will have no more emotional buttons to push in order to keep Cas cowed, mistrusting of himself, and defeated.

His conscious self (ego) will no longer be ruled by his unconscious (shadow).

So how does Cas actually beat the deal?

I mean, from that above reading, I would say that a very effective way for him to break the deal is to stop fearing that moment of happiness, and by no longer allowing his fear to rule him, being able to reach his moment of self-actualisation, and the moment of integration.

Cas choosing to become human would be a moment of honesty, of self-insight, of acceptance. It would be a moment of deep, deep self-actualisation. A moment of real internal peace, followed, I would say, by a moment of true happiness.

So let me paint you a detailed spec scenario, because it demonstrates why I am so behind this idea, not that I think this is The Scenario, but because it simply makes sense and ticks all the boxes for satisfaction that are at the back of my head.

Fully-fledged Cas is in Heaven (which is balanced out thanks to Jack/Michael/Death or whatever constellation is created to Fix It) and Cas is now faced with the option to stay an angel, or to go back to Earth a human.

He makes the choice - meaning his moment of true happiness. *identity based*

The Empty appears.

But the thing is, Cas now knows what he’s found for himself by making this choice - a loophole.

He cuts out his grace doubly triumphant: he gets to go home, and the Empty has no hold over him anymore.

He is not for the Empty - he is human, and when he dies, he will go to Heaven.

It’s not about taking anything away from him or saying that he’s not fine just as he is, it’s building on the narrative push for him to accept himself, just as he’s always been, and stop fighting it, stop questioning it, stop worrying that he won’t be enough without his powers, that he won’t be able to contribute, that he won’t be looked at the same, because, in the end, when it comes to self-actualisation, all that matters is what you think and what you know to be your truth.

Self-actualisation is about your acceptance of yourself, it’s about your ability to love yourself through that acceptance, and it, in turn, opening you up to receiving love, knowing, to your core, that you are lovable and deserve to be loved.

With this scenario comes a Big Lessons Learned moment that sets Cas up for a reward.

And what should it be?

2. Family

As already mentioned, we know who Cas considers to be his family: Dean, Sam and Jack.

If Jack doesn’t end up sacrificing himself for the greater good (which I feel is more plausible a death than any other), then his human side would, most likely, keep him on Earth.

And then there’s Sam. Dear Sam. Who’s a friend in need and a friend, indeed.

Lastly, there’s Dean. And the depth of what Dean means for Cas, and what Dean narratively has meant for Cas’ progression, is pretty much impossible to overlook.

I know I already brought this up, but I think it’s important to note, because whether we get a textual pronounciation and conclusion to the subtextual love story between Dean and Cas, or whether it’s kept in subtext and merely strongly hinted at, the fact of the matter is that they matter to one another, more so than anyone else have ever mattered to them and this would, of course, provide the tragedy of a goodbye, should a goodbye be required, and the ending be tragic, but it also pushes on the very real fact of how a reward, in any guise, would most easily be tied to what they’ve narratively (and very canonically) have meant for one another.

Yes, when I say they matter more to each other than anyone else, this means even Sam for Dean, because Sam isn’t the character in the narrative put there to help push for Dean’s progression - Cas is.

To put it plainly: the codependency is the placeholder, highlighting the progression that’s needed to reach self-actualisation. The trust and healthy challenges Dean shares with Cas is the opposite, underlining the fears he needs to face, and where he should get to emotionally, once he has reached self-actualisation.

Cas’ relationship with Dean - and how Dean was a role model in all things human, at least up until the moment Cas stated there was nothing left to say and stepped out of that bunker, because he’d learned what he could and he had no interest in learning how to be so unforgiving, which was a Big Lesson, since it takes the label of teacher off Dean and allows him to be entirely something else - could easily serve as a satisfactory conclusion and statement of Cas having incorporated all the lessons of the narrative, especially since so many of them tie directly back to Dean.

Cas embracing his own humanity, for himself, without worrying about what that humanity might mean for anyone else, and believing himself deserving of love due to letting go of all those old fears, thanks to him reaching a point of self-actualisation, would mean that he would stop waiting for Dean to make a move, and might very well make that move himself.

Personally I’m doubtful it will be textual, but what stronger statement could the writers make of who ends up with whom than to end the series on Sam with Eileen, and Cas returning from Heaven, human, and giving us something very akin to that Cas is Back in Town moment (even if it’s only in spirit)?

It would serve to let us know that, of course, Cas isn’t fearful of his mortality this time around. He’s empowered by it. And him returning to the bunker, to his family, to the life, to Dean, signals to us how he’s very ready to get back to it all, including going out hunting (with Dean).

Simple. Neat. Non-explicit, and yet undeniable.

Aka closure.

The good kind. You know? The one that leaves you exhilarated and dancing around your room laughing with joy at how amazing all the subsequent fanfiction will most likely be, exploring all of their post-series finale shen-an-i-gans?? Yeah, that good kind.

*head exploding*

Most of all, for the people out there who, like me, are thirsty for satisfaction, they will remain Team Free Will (hopefully 2.0), they will remain a family, they will remain.

There may be new dynamics to work with, but they will still be them and they will remain as close as they ever were, with the promise of them all growing even closer, following each other’s continued progression as they all move into a new phase in their lives. But together.

3. Freedom of Choice

Cas choosing to become human would effectively demonstrate to us how he’s leaving behind the yoke of his previous sense of duty.

Instead of praying for guidance, or relying on external forces to dictate what his actions should be, he’ll still be doing what has to be done, but he’ll be doing it purely reliant on his own personal view of the world and his place in it.

This would be a rather remarkable way to address how so many of his choices have been made under duress, either because he’s been manipulated into them without having the wherewithal to see through the manipulation (Crowley, Metatron, Lucifer) or because he’s simply felt lost, mistrusting his inner compass and unable to follow any gut instinct that would’ve otherwise been able to guide him.

In making the choice to become human, Cas would cast off his past, shake it off, as it were, and move into his future, free to take it as it comes in a way we’ve only seen him be once before. (as a human)

I suppose my hope is for our love story to grow into the text before the end, but I’m also very aware that we’re rapidly moving towards the 11th hour, and I doubt we’ll get a last-minute confirmation or the show ending on a kiss between them, because this show isn’t about them.

What’s important to remember, however, is that the fear of happiness runs deep in Dean as well, and Cas has been shown to provide Dean with a source of happiness that he doesn’t get from anyone else, so if Dean’s journey is to end on a high note, and he’s to face his fear of true happiness and believe he deserves to be loved and the reward being… not linked to Cas in any way? I have a very hard time seeing that happening. So, I have faith.

What I hope for, more than anything at this point, is for an ending definitive enough that we don’t have to wonder and we don’t have to make it up for ourselves.

An ending that is open enough that we know they will continue on, something for us to build on, and we most likely and most happily will build on it for ages to come, no matter what we get (at least I will), but still, an ending, a conclusion, a statement.

Closure.

*for the love of Ash’s hair*

To Summarise

Here endeth my long speculation and gentle argumentation for Cas to choose humanity at the end of our remarkable narrative.

To give a brief overview of the points I’ve tried to make (hopefully I’ve succeeded in making them) (whether you agree or not is a different matter) —>

In 15x18 Cas makes the choice to return to Heaven to act as commander of the (handful? or will Jack be able to make more as his powers grow without, you know, transforming human souls?) of angels still there and make a concerted effort to defend Heaven, while Dean, Sam and Jack rally the troops on Earth, and Rowena rally the armies of Hell (please!)

He gets his powers back because the choice is the right one to make as he narratively needs the perspective in order to truly decide who he is and who he wants to be, and the reward for that right choice is that he doesn’t have to face the final battle with broken wings

There’s an ET goes home callback that makes us all fucking cry when Dean and Cas say their goodbyes, Dean being supportive af because that would be awesome, showing his progression

All the while, Dean wishes, fervently, that Cas would just stay, and at some point it would be doubly awesome for him to vocalise this

There is the possibility that everyone understands that if they win this war with God, and things start going back to “normal”, the best thing for everyone would be for the gates of Heaven and of Hell to close, but this might also be something that’s realised once the war is won

(of course it will be won) (thank fuck)

So, either Dean and Cas’ goodbye makes us cry because there’s the understanding that Cas won’t be able to just flit back and forth between Heaven and Earth as he pleases and so it’s really goodbye

Or it makes us cry because it’s still the end of them, as Cas is bound for Heaven again, and their relationship seems to be reverting to S4 status like N-O P-L-E-A-S-E

But because the gates of Heaven are closing (or not) Cas is pushed into making this choice for himself, and naw, he’s not going to stay in Heaven

The moment he makes the choice to return to Earth as a human, the Empty shows up to claim him

But the loophole allows Cas to tell the Empty to fuck right off as Cas (or another angel) cuts out his grace and he falls back to Earth. (in his human vessel) (if Metatron can do it, then an archangel such as Mike or even someone like Naomi, if she comes back on the board, can do it) (eh?)

Cas reunites with the gang, Sam and Eileen are lovey dovey, Dean and Cas are happy for them, and either they part ways here, Sam staying with Eileen, Dean and Cas heading out to Baby, or they stay together, a family unit, with Jack as well, of course, and it’s not like everything is perfect and they’re surrounded by a white picket fence and there are butterflies fluttering, because there’s still evil in the world that needs to be hunted and fought and they’ll always have work to do, but we see them together and we just know they’ll be alright.

All is peace.

And we are done.

FADE TO BLACK.

Buh-LIEVE me, this detail spec is not what we’re getting and I know it isn’t, but I wanted to write it out to explain what I got in my head, why it felt viable to me, and why the worry that they’ll give Cas his wings back and pack him off to Heaven and leave him there made me feel the need to write down why that is just not a good idea. (!!)

Do I actually believe they would ever do that?

I actually don’t. But, by that same token, I don’t know they wouldn’t. And to calm myself, I had to write out why I actually don’t think they would. Because narratively I cannot see how it would ever actually work that he becomes fully-fledged and goes away. You know?

Either he’ll remain as he is, and the Empty, and the sad parts that come with him not actually self-actualising before our eyes will simply be what it is, and I’ll accept it as it is, yeah?

Or he’ll become human.

He won’t die again. I just do not believe he will. But hey, I’ve been wrong before! That’s partly the fun of this. It’s always so satisfying when you get it even in the ballpark of close to what we actually get on the show. Mh mh goodness.

What’s interesting to me, though, is the whole callback to S8 idea that hasn’t really left me alone since it got in my head, because it would be so lovely and so heartbreaking and so poignant. For Dean to be put in a situation where he supports Cas’ choices and does so without hesitation, but where he also ends up being compelled to say something, to tell Cas he wishes Cas could stay, or hopes Cas will come back or anything that just speaks to how Dean has let Cas disappear one too many times without properly expressing how, maybe, Dean would rather Cas stuck around.

It would, of course, tie back to the prayer, and to how Dean was absolutely ready to look Cas in the eyes, even though there were less then three minutes left on that ticking clock, and tell Cas what he’d felt compelled to say when he thought he was losing him again. There was no need for Dean to repeat it in purgatory, but maybe that was foreshadowing for what’s yet to come.

Even with the impossibility of Cas actually staying, because they have a war to win and Cas is needed elsewhere, it would be lovely if this is the moment Dean makes it clear that, under different circumstances, Dean would have preferred it that Cas stayed.

And for Cas to, instead of having humanity thrust upon him, the way it was in S8 when Metatron tricked him and cut out his grace, getting to choose it this time, and choose it for himself.

The ET goes home moment would reflect S8 kind of perfectly, but with an actually happy outcome, hinting at a new human!Cas arc and, for me, that would be as good as textual Destiel because they’re on fire in the human!Cas arc. Like, they are moving towards something actual and tangible, the way they’re flirting with each other in that bar. I don’t think there is a more endearing or adorable moment than Cas drinking his beer and paying Dean a compliment and giving him a wink. And Dean then returning the flirtation.

Um. Yes, please.

By the way, let me make it absolutely clear that there’s no doubt in my mind that the culmination of the love story in no way is relying on Cas becoming human. This isn’t a They Both Have to Be Human to be Together argument, because Dean has been in love with Cas for a long time, long before the human!Cas arc. It doesn’t matter what form Cas takes, to Dean Cas is Cas.

The question is one of obstacles. We ask ourselves: what’s been stopping them from actually being together this whole time?

To me, all the choices that the characters make throughout S9 is an enormous turning point for all of them, but especially Dean and Cas during the beginning of the season, as their choices give us so much of what they need to do, what aspects of themselves they have to address, if they’re ever to find their way out of self-destruction and self-doubt, and into self-worth, paving the way for them being able to believe they deserve the love that the other has been proffering for all these years, and actually seeing it in its true light, accepting it, trusting it, and returning it without any inhibition.

Add to that the already mentioned shared struggle, as Cas and Dean have always had a deeply rooted fear of happiness, and we can all see the obstacles they’ve had to overcome to get to a place where they can share a healthy relationship.

They have had to build that healthy relationship with themselves first, and the reward at the end: happiness and love. *fingers so damn crossed though*

It really would be beyond amazing if we have it textualised, however subtle it may be, by the end of the series, that they are each other’s happiness, and that, without the other, there’s not much happiness to be had. There’s moving on and there’s not giving up and there’s finding purpose outside this one relationship, of course, but a long and happy life?

Not so much.

To me, this is a fact that has been covertly explored throughout the entirety of their joint arc, because whenever one of them disappears out of the other’s orbit, their progression pretty much crashes to an absolute halt, or even undergoes serious regression. I talked about that in that other long-ass meta I mentioned, so if you’re hungry for more…

I digress.

My final point, really, is that getting to witness Dean letting Cas go, supporting him returning to Heaven, and Cas rightly feeling compelled to fullfil his duty, because it will lead to him being granted the choice of who he truly wants to be, would be mind-blowing. And if it all leads to an underlining of how Dean is taking the narrative lesson of easing up on his need for control, learning to let go and trusting that it will be alright in the end, which then leads to the love of his life returning to him, and Dean, finally, understanding that this is what Cas always does - he may up and leave, but he also always returns.

Only, this time Cas is staying…

I mean. Right? Anything like this. Anything even in the vicinity of this. Oh my God. I’ll be dancing.

I’m intrigued by the fact that Cas is subtly set up as a blindspot for Chuck the Writer, who’s first draft when at Becky’s house doesn’t even mention Cas. I have a feeling Cas will be a pivotal ingredient in them winning this stand-off, as he’s proven himself to be already, throughout S15.

And I’m intrigued by the phrase that has occurred at least twice in our narrative since end of S14: I had to die to get what I want.

Could Cas almost cutting out his “life force” and bringing himself to the brink of “death” (angelic, as it were) be foreshadowing for how his angelic side has to die in order for him to get what he wants?

I guess we shall simply have to wait and see, eh?

End of the day, it’s a question of legacy. And I’m just very curious to see what sort of legacy the writers room are gearing up to leave us with. I have every faith - all the faith - that no matter what we get, it’s going to be

s p e c t a c u l a r.

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cherryblossomflowers · 4 years

Text

An Old Life Meets A New (Pt27)

Pairing: Jensen x Daughter, Danneel x Stepdaughter, Jared x Niece

Warnings: Slight Cussing, Angst, Fluff, Death Mentioned, Car Accident Mentioned, Anxiety/Depression, Arguing, Panic Attacks, Yelling, Fighting, Sex Mentioned, Child Abuse, Drunk Abuse, Relationship Abuse, Alcohol

Summary: After the recent death of her mother, Harper must adjust to her new life in the Ackles home, this includes a new stepmother, half-siblings, and reconnecting with her father.

A/N: It’s time! Dennis vs Harper and Jensen. ONLY 3 CHAPTERS LEFT!!! No hate on Danneel or Jensen please. Feedback is greatly appreciated!

***ASK OPEN***

*LET ME KNOW IF YOU’D LIKE TO BE TAGGED*

*NEW CHAPTER EVERYDAY AT 3PM CST*

An Old Life Meets A New Masterlist

Chapter 27

Harper stood abruptly from the bench, as did Jensen. They stared at the man walking towards them. Jensen could see the panic on Harper's face.

"I thought it was you," Dennis spoke as he walked towards them, "Though I'm surprised to see you in New York. I could've sworn I heard an old friend of your mothers say you moved to Texas."

Jensen quickly moved Harper behind him to protect her, "Don't you dare come any closer, you piece of shit. I know what you did to her."

"And I know what you did to her, Ackles. You left her. Last time I checked you didn't even care to give her a call anymore," Dennis continued to walk towards them, "But this isn't between me and you. I have some...unfinished business with the brat."

Harper peeked out from behind Jensen, stuttering her words, "Wait, I-I thought y-you were in jail?"

Dennis let out a deep, dark chuckle, "I was. But I got out early on good behavior. Been out for about a week and a half now."

Harper flinched at his words as he spoke, all the memories of him, her mother, and her. All the pain she felt. All the sleepless nights. The tears, the sadness, the fear of what was to come next.

She shuddered behind Jensen, but tried her hardest not to show fear. Jensen saw that she was trying to hide and knew if he didn't try to do something, Dennis might try to hurt her again.

Jensen and Harper exchanged a worried look as Dennis continued to talk.

"I was planning on visiting you and your mother when I got out, but I recently heard that she passed away. Car accident right?" Dennis asked.

"Sh-she was hit by a drunk driver, barely survived the ride to the ambulance. She's been gone for a little over a w-week," Harper replied.

Dennis gave her a fake pout as he rolled his eyes, "What a shame. I would've loved to see her again."

That sentence set Harper over the edge. All her fear and sadness ran out the door. Now she was furious. She knows his intentions, she's known for years now.

Harper stepped out from behind Jensen and got right in Dennis's face, "Even if she was alive, your drunk ass shouldn't be anywhere near her. She hated you-"

"She loved me, you brat!" Dennis screamed back at her.

"She was afraid of you, dickhead! Everyday she was afraid to come home, knowing what was going to happen. She knew that the minute she stepped into the house, she was going to get hurt. She knew when I stepped into the house I was going to get hurt. All she wanted to do was protect me. And when you went to jail and she filed the restraining order, we were finally rid of your lazy ass," Harper stated.

Dennis slapped a hand across her face, making Harper fall to the ground, "Don't you ever talk back to me, you bitch!"

"Hey!"

Dennis looked up at Jensen, "Oh and what's this? Did your Daddy come to fight your battles for you, Harper? Guess I'll have to show him all the fun that we used to have."

Harper watched as Dennis swung at Jensen, but Jensen dodged the punch. Dennis continued to throw punches and kicks at Jensen, but Dennis couldn't lay a finger on him. Jensen dodged every shot.

"Come on, Ackles. Be a man! Fight me!" Dennis yelled out.

"This is what you think being a man is, Dennis? Well I hate to break it to you, but you are dead wrong. I'm not going to hit you and I'm not going to hurt you," Jensen spoke softly.

"But I will," Harper yelled as she kicked Dennis in the side of the head. Dennis stumbled back, his hand on his head as he felt blood dripping.

"Why you little brat!" Dennis swung at Harper, but missed. Harper swung at him, and connected with his cheek. She then swiped his legs out from underneath him. Dennis fell down with a thud.

"There's something you don't know about me, Dennis," Harper said as she punched him in the eye, "After you went to jail," another punch to the lip, "Mom set me up with some kick boxing classes," one punch square in the nose, "And I was top of my class."

Harper pinned his arms down as she continued to punch Dennis in the face. Jensen stood back and watched, afraid if he stepped in she'd punch him by mistake.

Harper stood up after a minute and brushed herself off, her knuckles red from punching Dennis. Dennis's face was covered in bruises and blood. Harper showed him what he did to her for years, and she was proud to not be afraid anymore.

Just then, Dennis swiped her legs out from under her and she fell to the ground. Dennis jump on top of her and reared his fist back and punched her in the eye. He reared back his other arm, ready to strike again.

Unfortunately for him, Jensen was not going to have him doing this to Harper again.

Jensen grabbed his arm and pulled Dennis off of Harper. Harper sat up and saw Jensen and Dennis fighting and wrestling on the ground.

First Jensen had Dennis pinned, holding his arms down to prevent any punches. Dennis then had the upper hand, holding Jensen down as he punched him.

But Jensen wasn't going to let Dennis win. Jensen gathered all the strength he had and pushed Dennis off of him. Jensen kicked him in the throat and watched Dennis fall to the ground, coughing up blood.

Both men had cuts on their faces, blood on their knuckles, and were definitely bruised. Jensen continued to have the upper hand though, pinning Dennis's arms behind his back.

"Let me go, you big shithead!" Dennis yelled at Jensen.

"Why? So you can hit my daughter again? I don't think so, asshole! You're dealing with me now!" Jensen yelled back at him.

Harper took the opportunity when Dennis was pinned and not focused on her to call 911. Jensen continued to pin Dennis to the ground. He wasn't going to let him go.

Harper walked up to Dennis and crouched down to his face, "I hope you enjoyed prison. 'Cause that's exactly where you're going back to."

Dennis wiggled his arms, trying to get them free, "You dumb ass little bitch, you have no idea who you are dealing with."

Harper looked up at Jensen and smiled, "Yeah, I think I do. I'm dealing with a man who bullied my mom and I for years. And I just happen to finally be able to stand up to him. It just so happens that Jensen here," she pointed at Jensen, "doesn't exactly like bullies. Or anyone messing with his family. He's very protective of me. You just happen to cross a line that you weren't ready to cross."

Dennis continued to wiggle and try to get his arms free of Jensen's grip. But Jensen wasn't easing up. He had Dennis down, and Jensen wasn't moving.

It wasn't long after that the cops showed up at the park and arrested Dennis once again. Jensen and Harper were escorted to an ambulance to get looked over.

After Harper was taken care of, one of the officers walked up to her and Jensen, "Mr. Ackles, is there anything you can tell us about what was going on? A statement perhaps?"

Jensen, who was currently being looked at by an EMT, shrugged at the cop, "My daughter and I were just sitting here having a conversation when that man walked up, recognized her from when he was dating her mother, and just started hitting her. I stepped in to make sure he didn't hurt her."

The officer looked at Harper, "Is that true, miss?"

Harper nodded, unable to speak.

The officer wrote something down, "Well, I'm glad you caught him. You see, Dennis escaped from prison about two weeks ago."

Jensen and Harper sat there wide eyed at the officer, shocked at his statement.

"He what?" Harper asked.

"Yes, he escaped and we've been looking for him since then. A few of our sources say he somehow got out of state, but I see now he was hiding in plain sight," the officer replied.

Jensen sighed, "But you're taking him back right?"

The officer nodded, "He'll be going to prison for the rest of his life. There's no chance of him getting out again. I can assure you that."

Harper and Jensen nodded a thanks to the officer as he walked away. Harper sat down next to Jensen in the back of the ambulance, laying a hand on his bandaged arm.

"I'm really sorry for all of this, Dad. I had no idea about Dennis. I thought he was gone for good. But I put you in danger. He could've killed you," Harper rambled on.

Jensen sighed, "Babygirl, you had no idea about any of this. It surprised both of us. Just be lucky it's a few bumps and bruises."

Harper sat up and hugged her dad, who grunted from the pain.

She pulled back, "Sorry! I'm sorry."

Jensen chuckled, "It's fine. I can take a little pain for a hug."

Harper and Jensen exchanged a hug. They stayed like that for a moment until the EMT came back and told Jensen just to take it easy for a few days. Jensen thanked him, and the EMTs left along with the cops.

Jensen thought for a moment before looking at Harper, "So you took kickboxing?"

Harper chuckled and nodded, "Mom thought I needed to learn to defend myself. What she didn't think was when I'm motivated enough, I can defend myself just fine."

Jensen laughed, "Just remind me to never get on your bad side. I don't want to end up like that."

Jensen and Harper walked back over to the bench and sat down. Harper picked up the notebook she was writing in earlier.

Jensen was curious, "I saw you writing something when I got here. If you don't my asking, what was it?"

Harper sighed and leaned back on the bench, closing her eyes, "I, um, I didn't speak at Mom's funeral. I really should've but I couldn't make myself do it. So I came here to try and find some inspiration to write a eulogy for her. I finally wrote everything I needed to say, I just feel bad that I didn't say anything that day."

Jensen smiled, "Well, if you want, we can go visit her grave. Maybe you can say it to her now."

Harper looked down at her notebook then back to Jensen, "I don't know. I think it's too late."

Jensen shook his head, "It's never too late. Harper, let's do it. I'd like to say a few things as well, if you'd let me."

She looked back at her notebook before standing up and grabbing her backpack, "You're right. Let's go."

She and Jensen jogged over to the street to hail a cab. Jensen held out his arm, yelling for a taxi. One stopped almost immediately, and they jumped in. Harper told the driver where to go and they were off.

------------------------------

Masterlist

My Cherry Blossoms

@mlovesstories @chessurkait @adorable-minibot @desiredposion @idksupernatural @thevelvetseries @spnfamily-j2 @let-me-luve-you @obsessedwithfandomsx @wecantgiggleitsafandom

@mangueweaschester @unicornmadness2444 @emery--nicole--morrison @starchildwild @deans-baby-momma @spnbaby-67

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mobius-prime · 4 years

Text

251. Sonic the Hedgehog #182

Fallen Angel

Writer: Ian Flynn Pencils: Tracy Yardley! Colors: Jason Jensen

The familiar face of Knuckles addresses the Freedom Fighters and Chaotix as Enerjak, inviting them to follow him so he can lead them into a peaceful, happy new world free of technology. Sure, the whole "no more pain and suffering" thing sounds great, but Nicole rightfully points out that it was technology that allowed her to become a living being, and Julie-Su reminds him of how badly things went before when he had access to this much power, begging him to come back to her. Enerjak merely frowns in disappointment and informs them that he'll demonstrate his power to all of them to prove he's in the right.

So do you guys remember how, during the original M25YL arc, we learned that nearly everything in that future came about because Knuckles once again went all Chaos-y, and tried to "remake Mobius as he saw fit," which included forcibly taking away Julie-Su's cybernetics? And how for some unfathomable reason, after all that, she elected to stay with him and didn't seem to harbor him any ill will for essentially forcing his own bodily ideals onto her without her consent, literally changing parts of her body against her will? Yeah, this is precisely why I have such a problem with Kenders having made that the backstory for future Knuckles. Despite her distaste for the Legion, Julie-Su clearly has no intention of getting rid of her cybernetic parts, and in fact rather likes them. Here in this situation, she's rather traumatized by Enerjak's attempt to "liberate" her from her cybernetics, and has to be handed off to Mighty so Sonic can continue the fight against Enerjak. Before the fight can go much further, with Sonic calling Enerjak by all sorts of mocking puns on his name, none other than Shadow enters the fray! Turns out he's working for G.U.N. now, and is the agent that Rouge sent to help out. Enerjak is enraged as Sonic jumps back into the fight, calling him by yet another mocking nickname.

This page is one of my prime examples for exactly why I love Ian's writing of Sonic so much. Shadow begins unleashing ridiculous amounts of Chaos energy, making Nicole struggle to hold all the nanites in place so the city doesn't get destroyed by the raw power, and she points out worriedly that since she doesn't have enough power to maintain the energy shield, they're wide open for an attack from Eggman. Her fears aren't unfounded, either - at that exact moment, Eggman is watching the proceedings while Snively works on an "improvement" to his last few remaining Egg Grapes, surprised to see Shadow there. Apparently, it wasn't Enerjak scrambling New Mobotropolis' communications after all - it was Eggman, deliberately trying to make it seem like everyone has abandoned the fight for freedom and having outright lied to Sonic during the attack on Knothole about the world turning their backs on the Freedom Fighters. I mean, granted, we kind of knew that wasn't true already, considering the group we know as "the Freedom Fighters" are just the Knothole (now New Mobotropolis) chapter. As Eggman launches his fleet towards the city, Shadow continues his fight against Enerjak, but even his substantial fighting ability isn't enough to take him down. Somewhere along the line, Enerjak's helmet is knocked off, and Sonic is surprised and disturbed to see that Enerjak is in fact Knuckles, not having realized such until now. Despite his misgivings, he and the rest of the Freedom Fighters and Chaotix charge forward to take on Enerjak as one, but Enerjak, thoroughly angered by now, merely freezes everyone in place effortlessly with Chaos energy.

Oh boy, one of those "we must burn this world to make room for the new order" types! Sonic calls out to Enerjak, trying to reach the true Knuckles within, but Enerjak coldly insists there's nothing anyone can do to make him change his mind. However, Eggman would like to contest that statement! He shows up in his Egg Fleet and overwhelms Enerjak's attempt to resist with an extra-strong teleportation beam, taking him directly to the center of the Egg Grapes for energy extraction. Eggman, projecting a hologram of himself onto the ground, cheerfully reminds Sonic of their "deal," and is unfazed when Sonic angrily tells him that kidnapping Knuckles wasn't supposed to be part of that deal. As the Egg Fleet leaves the city, Sonic tries to rally everyone for a rescue plan, but Sally heads him off, saying that as much as they don't want to leave Knuckles in the hands of Eggman, rescuing him would only unleash Enerjak onto the world again. Before Sonic and Julie-Su can argue the point, a warp ring portal suddenly opens up and a hand drags the two of them through it, depositing them onto Angel Island with no warning.

Well, I suppose Locke isn't the worst person to be kidnapped by. He informs them that after Enerjak's last rampage, he and the rest of the Brotherhood designed a weapon to be used against him should he ever return. Sonic is eager to go get this weapon to turn Knuckles back to normal, but Locke clarifies - this is a killing weapon. If they use it, Knuckles won't survive the process. And he intends to use it anyway. …I take it back, there are definitely better people to be kidnapped by than Locke.

Albion's Shameful Secret

Writer: Ian Flynn Pencils: Tracy Yardley! Colors: Jason Jensen

So, how did Locke find out about what was going on? Well, if his island suddenly blowing up wasn't enough of a clue, turns out he was visiting Albion not long ago, only to find it a ruined, abandoned wasteland. There, he watched a video recording by none other than Gala-Na, who explained the true nature of Finitevus. Once upon a time, he was an ordinary, promising young scientist within the city, and in fact was the one who came up with the technical side of the plan to contain Green Knuckles' power a year ago. He was the one in the suit that the Chaos Syphon was connected to, and received the full brunt of the energy wave that Knuckles unleashed that day.

Why am I not surprised that Gala-Na of all people would scoff at such a thing? Extremist one moment, slothful the next. Finitevus started going power-mad and using dark energies in his experiments, and eventually was deemed so dangerous that Gala-Na called for his execution. Goddamn, woman, you'd think she'd have learned from the last time she tried to "neutralize" someone imbued with insane amounts of power without their consent! Predictably, Finitevus escaped, and when he returned he had the entire Egg Fleet behind him, having betrayed Albion's location to Eggman. This is where the recording ends, as Gala-Na recorded her spiel during the invasion, and ended the video by begging whoever might find her message not to repeat her mistakes as her people were captured and killed around her. Great, even more systematic erasure of Kenders' echidna-related worldbuilding by Ian! Seriously, Ian, I know Kenders was kind of a dick, but you could at the very least not kill off 99% of the entire echidna population in the process of fixing his mistakes.

Well, good to know that the various ex-Legionnaires and Echidnaopolis refugees have come together, and that Remington is back in his right mind! And looks like Gala-Na is gone for good. Normally I might have said "good riddance," but the Egg Grapes are a torture I wouldn't wish on anyone, so, uh… bye then, I guess? Sorry, Gala-Na, but I really just can't bring myself to care that much about you.

#nala reads archie sonic preboot #archie sonic #archie sonic preboot #sonic the hedgehog #sth 182 #writer: ian flynn #pencils: tracy yardley #colors: jason jensen

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mlovesstories · 5 years

Text

Shake It Off Part 2

AN- @spngenrebingo: Jensen Ackles

Summary: Jared struggles to work through his trauma.

Warnings: self-worth, cussing, depression

Word Count: 1500

Jared x Reader!Platonic

Jensen x Reader!Platonic

Tag List

Ask Box

Masterlist of Masterlists

“But what if I don’t want to?”

__________

YN gasped internally.

“Well, you take it in small chunks,” she sighed.

“I know I need to be there for my kids and my wife, and the show-”

“No, Jared. You need to fight for you. Don’t worry about them right now. I hate to use your words against you, but you HAVE TO put yourself first,” YN offered a weak smile.

“You’re going there, huh?” Jared laughed. “Thanks, kid.”

“I’m not a kid. You know that, right?” YN rolled her eyes playfully.

“Compared to me you are.”

Jensen walked up to the table with his food.

“And he could be your grandpa!” Jared exclaimed as he looked to his TV brother.

“What?! How old do you think I am?” Jensen sat down, crashing into his folding chair to eat his food.

“You two need a mediator. Seriously,” YN rolled her eyes back at the boys.

“Thanks for the help, YN. I mean it,” Jared pushed his empty plate away from himself on the table.

“I’ve been there. I get it,” YN ate a bite of her lunch. Her phone went off. A screaming ringtone got the boys’ attention. “My mom,” YN huffed. “Yes, Mom?”

Jensen and Jared tried not to be nosy as she seemed annoyed with the female on the other end of the line.

“No, Mom. I am not famous… Yes, I know what I did… It’s not a stupid show! Why are you calling me anyway… No, I was not playing hero! If you’re going to bash me, I’m gonna hang up. Did you need to tell me something? No? Bye then,” YN took a deep breath before addressing the boys. “Sorry. She’s manipulative and worries that “I bring too much negative attention to the family, and ‘it’s a stupid show anyway.’” YN put her phone on the table and pushed it away from her.

“You saved my life. You know that, right?”

“And you kept me calm even though I was in shock.” Jensen added to Jared’s statement.

“I would want someone to stick up for me is all. And I know it’s not a stupid show. Mom is just trying to get in my head. Gah, she makes things so complicated. Good thing I only have to be around all them once a year.”

“Sounds like the Brady Bunch to me,” Jared chuckled.

“Yeah right,” YN responded sarcastically. “Nah. Let’s just say it’s more ‘Intervention’ than Brady Bunch.”

“Yikes,” Jensen pursed his lips.

Changing the subject, YN asked if Jared was feeling better.

“Yeah. My brain just…”

“Thinks too much,” YN finished for him. “I work out when I can’t stop the craziness in my head. Helps make me quiet, I guess. Maybe that will help you?”

“I work out already,” Jared sighed defeatedly.

“Rigorously though? That’s what makes the difference for me. If I can’t get to the gym, I do intensive workouts on YouTube. I was in a bad place the other night and a ten minute workout video helped me fall asleep. Granted, I sweated a bit, but it was totally worth it.”

“You should try those P90x videos. I have a few. You can borrow them,” Jense stuffed a chicken burrito in his mouth.

“Didn’t your mom ever teach you to not talk with your mouth full? You better not get caught by Wardrobe. There is a stain on the hem of your shirt, mister.” YN giggled.

“Oh, crap!” He looked down at the dark spot on his shirt. I’ll tuck it in my jeans. They’ll never-“

“JENSEN ACKLES!” Robin walked up behind YN, seeing Jensen trying to hide the stain. “What in the hell? Go change.”

“It’s fine! The camera won’t see it,” he defiantly defended himself.

“What about that glob of guacamole on your collar?” She pressed.

“Dammit!” He looked down seeing green on his shirt. “Fine.” With a scowl, Jensen stood up and stomped toward the wardrobe trailer.

“Wow. Attitude much?” YN folded over in laughter. “I know you’ve been feeling down. I get it. You went through something traumatic. But I know that you know to take it moment by moment. What are you scared of?” YN asked gently.

“I guess being embarrassed. It’s tough to not be in control of your own circumstances. I mean-“ he stopped and took a hurried breath.

“What, Jared?”

“I had no understanding of what was happening. I looked weak because-“

“Do you know how many people are complimenting your recovery online? They are wishing you the best and are not expecting you to fine right away. Everyone I’ve seen online has made comments about paying low and not pushing yourself because it’s what’s best. No one knows that you’re having these symptoms still, and they wouldn’t judge you anyway. They love you, Jared.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s called a family for a reason, moose.” YN laughed. “You HAVE GOT to get out of your head. Your seizure happened. We can’t change that. Your recovery is up to you though.”

YN could see Jared withdraw the next few days. She observed them walking toward her.

“Get out of your head, Jared. I can see it on your face.” Jensen clapped him on his back.

“I can’t, dude. My head is just too much.” They stopped walking for privacy reasons.

“Go for a run. We have time.”

“No, I don’t want-” Jared started.

I know you don’t want to. You need to.”

“Stop, Jensen.”

“YN!” Jensen screamed her name. She turned from her personal cast chair. “Come here!”

Concerned, she walked quickly to the boys.

“Can you knock some sense into him, please?” Jensen crossed his arms.

YN took a breath.

“What’s up, big guy? Come here.” They walked to some folding chairs off to the side.

“I am too much.”

“Why do you feel like that?”

“I saw stuff online by accident. People said stuff like I was too old to do this anymore. I’m too delayed, and I belong in a home, and-”

“Okay, woah. Deep breaths. Let’s talk through this. You didn’t look it up on purpose, right?” Jared shook his head. “Good. Those people aren’t part of the SPN Family. I know you want them to like you. Everyone wants that. Whether you had the seizure or not, you know that going to happen. What would you tell yourself about that before this happened?”

“It doesn’t matter because I like what I do,” Jared sucked in a breath.

“That still stands. I promise. Why don’t you and Jensen go to the gym trailer? You have a while before the next scene, right?”

“I can take him,” Jensen agreed.

“Can you come?” Jared looked at YN sadly.

“Sure.”

The three met inside the gym. Jensen started punching the bag while Jensen held it in place.

“I’m tired,” Jared slowed down.

“No, keep going.” Jensen groaned as he absorbed Jared’s punches through the bag.

“I can’t.”

“Jensen, switch with me,” YN stood from the bench she was sitting on. He gave her a questioning look, but he complied. When she took Jensen’s place, she slowly encouraged Jared to continue. “You can do this. You have to fight. Right now. Punch it until your brain shuts off. It will help you reset.” YN called Jensen back over to hold the bag as she coached Jared.

“Okay,” Jared agreed.

“Punch it. Come on. Deep breaths, let’s go!” YN raised her voice as Jared hit the black cylinder faster and faster. After a minute of solid punching, he collapsed onto a workout bench. Jared put his head in his hands. Hyperventilating, he wiped his hand over his face.

“It’s okay. Good job. You need a minute?” YN knelt down so that she was level with Jared sitting in his seat. He nodded. “Okay,” she stood up to leave.

“No, stay,” Jared said quickly. Quietly, she agreed and sat on a bench next to him. She stayed quiet as he processed. “I feel a little better. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she weakly smiled. “You’re worth it. Don’t forget it. I think you two need a minute,” YN stood up and left the trailer.

“She’s good,” Jared chuckled.

“YN gets it. It’s tough stuff, man. But you can’t give up. You’re worth it.”

“Thanks,” Jared offered a relieved sigh.

“BOYS! WE NEED YOU!” A PA pounded on the door.

“Dammit.”

“I’ll cover for you. Go shower.”

_______

“Hey, everybody! I wanted to come on here and tell you about my friend, YN. We actually have a little announcement. Say hi, YN!” Jared panned the camera over to YN. She waved to his Facebook Live fans.

“Hi!”

“We know that I had quite the experience a few weeks ago. It’s been a roller coaster, but YN saved the day at our last convention. She has been such a help, so we thought we would team up and raise some money. We had these shirts made, and we hope you’ll join us in donating to the Epilepsy Foundation.”

YN displayed her t-shirt that she was wearing with a smile.

“We love the SPN Family!” YN blew a kiss to the camera.

“Always remember to put yourself first! Love you guys!”

_____

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jerkbitchidjitassbutt · 5 years

Text

What If I Told You (8)

Characters: Jensen x Reader; Jared Padalecki; SPN Cast members at times.

Summary: You and Jensen have been the closest of friends for years after meeting on the set of SPN, but what will happen when you and Jensen have a kissing scene?

Warnings: Cursing; divorce; break up; angst-ish at times, but mostly fluff. For this chapter: Canon divergence from the show, spn-related sadness.

I consider this an AU, as Jensen is divorced from an unnamed ex in this fic. This is completely a work of fiction, and I wouldn’t want his reality to be any different, this is purely for entertainment.

A/n: Just a tiny bit more until the big one. Special thanks to my rosie for beta-ing this for me.

11 Months Ago

“You’re going to do what, exactly?” You hissed as the ‘brother’s stood adjacent to their marks. “A soul bomb? What the hell are you even talking about, Dean?”

“You heard me, Y/c/n.” Dean barked. “I have to do this. I have to get rid of her.”

“Your girlfriend, you mean?” you sassed, voice laced with annoyance.

“Don’t!” he bellowed pointing a finger towards you, a gruffness present that was unmistakably Dean.

“Oh, give it up, Winchester. This is just another way for you to sacrifice yourself! Another self-deprecating, ‘I have to save the world because no one else will’ guilt trip you’ve managed to load on your own shoulders! Failing gloriously, I might add, to notice that there are actually people here who are trying to help you!”

Your voice cracked slightly, standing in the library of the bunker with Sam, Rowena, and Crowley, waiting as the witch gathered the ingredients to inlay Dean’s body with a million souls to remove Amara from earth, thereby shredding his very existence with her.

Dean moved closer to you, taking slow, methodical steps. In reality, Jensen was moving towards his secondary mark, following the track given to him by the director.

“I know that, Y/c/n… but there isn’t any other way.”

A single tear shed from your eye as you yelled, “Yes there is! There’s got to be! We can find another way!” you choked.

Sam stood off to the side, witnessing your outburst with a slightly solemn frown.

“Hey.” Dean murmured, closing in to your space, placing his hands on your shoulders. “I’m sorry, okay? I am… but I’m the only one who can do this, sweetheart.” He confided, pain, guilt, and defeat enlaced in his gaze.

He drew a single finger gingerly across your cheek to catch the tear that fell.

“Why? Why does it always have to be you, Dean?��

This was the closest your characters had ever come to any indication of feelings for one another canonically, but in true ‘Supernatural’ fashion, it was brazened with heartache and despair.

Jensen’s stare was heavy with emotion before he pulled your form into his arms, yours wrapping around his midsection as one of his hands cradled your head, placing a chaste kiss to your temple before quickly moving away, an unspoken word left when he moved to stand in front of Ruth, ready to accept the spell.

“Alright. Let’s do this.” He said.

“AND CUT!” the director bellowed across the set. “Reset, everyone! 5 minutes!”

Rushing towards the makeup chair to have the tears wiped from your cheeks, Jensen caught your arm.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked, concern lacing his eyes.

“Um… yeah. I think so.” You answered, wiping at the sides of your eyes with your knuckles.

“Come on, Y/n. That was your first emotional scene. It’s normal to have some issues with it. It’s just you and me now. You can tell me.”

You huffed, an exasperated sigh leaving your lips. “Yeah, uh… that was kind of hard.” You said, your bottom lip trembling.

It was strange, the scene ended, but a lump was still lodged in your throat caging the hurt and sadness that you felt while in character. You weren’t a noob on the show at this point, but it was true that it was your first stint as an actress where you had to get super emotional in a scene. Couple that with the hurried embrace that was intended to leave your character in a state of abandonment and disarray as Dean rejected her support, it seemed to bleed over even after the director called cut. When Jensen, or Dean at the time, took you into his arms, you had felt safe; but it ended as quickly as it came.

So, when he practically whimpered, “Hey, c’mere.” And opened his arms with a sorrowful expression, you were actually a little hesitant to step into his hold, fearing a tightly built damn would break.

But when he circled his arms around your waist tightly, a sense of relief and calmness flooded you from his warmth. A few more residual tears fell as you pressed your cheek into his chest, from nerves and sentiments previously spoken, as he gently rocked you from side to side.

“I know it can be hard, darlin’.” He whispered into your hair, his slight Texan accent making you smile. “Its almost like you’re really there.”

“It was.” You confided. “It was almost like…” you stopped yourself, biting your lip, feeling as though you were about to reveal too much. It’d been about a year that you had been hiding your feelings for your costar, and you didn’t want to blow it now.

“Almost like what, Y/n?” Jensen asked as you cursed yourself. He pulled away and cradled your face in his hands, “Tell me, sweetheart.” He pleaded.

You still had your lower lip pulled between your teeth as you look up at him through your tear stained lashes, his thumbs lightly brushing against the apples of your cheeks where tears still lay.

“It was almost like I was begging you not to leave me.” You confessed, a ball of nerves sinking into the pit of your stomach.

He smiled sweetly and wiped a few more tears, his large hands caressing your face soothingly. He placed a kiss to your forehead and professed, “You don’t have to worry about that, Y/n… ever.”

The memory caused a swirl of emotions as you hopped into the backseat of a large SUV sandwiched between Jared and Jensen with Misha riding shotgun. Cliff was transporting all four of you to the set location for the day, each of you having a specific scene to film in the house that was rented by the studio that was supposed to be yours and AU Dean’s home for the episode. Riding with the three of them was always filled with teasing and torturous pranking, usually on Misha, Cliff merely rolling his eyes with a small chuckle. Clint was following behind, carting some of the other actors and crew members in his car while you elected to share in the hilarity that was sure to ensue in the ‘J2M transport’.

When you piled in, Jared made sure to get in last and take up as much space as possible, practically smushing you and Jensen into one seat of the giant back row. Jensen threw his hands up as you were crushed into his side, a laugh bubbling in his chest at his friend’s antics.

“Good Lord, Moose. Do ya mind?” you giggled as he shoved one of his long legs into your space.

“I’m just trying to get comfortable.” He mused, smirking.

“I can see that… princess.” You cooed mockingly, to which he respondent by contorting his long body into an even smaller space so he could jap you with his knees, pushing you even further into Jensen’s frame.

Finally, as Cliff berated Jared that he needed to get going—although the smile never left his face—Jared settle into his seat, still taking up a good proportion of the available space. Jensen was still leaning against the doorframe with one arm leaning on the armrest of the door and the other splayed across the back of the seat. When you attempted to sit up strait instead of practically laying on him, his arm enclosed around you, caging you into his side as his hand rested on your shoulder.

You looked up at him with a curious smirk, to which he responded by grinning and throwing you a subtle wink. You sort of snuggled back into him, getting comfortable for the ride, only catching the end of a shared, playful look between Jared and Misha.

“So, you guys are coming to Rob’s party tonight, right?” Misha spoke, a bit too cheerfully.

“That’s tonight?” you asked, worry laced into your words.

“Yep. The fourteenth at 7.” He replied, holding up his phone to show you his Google calendar. “We’re getting out by 5 tonight.”

Jared started laughing sheepishly, what could only be described as a chortle, “Hee. Hee. Hee… you have a Google calendar. You nerd.”

“Hey, now.” He defended. “I accept that title proudly.”

Almost as though Jensen could sense your nerves, knowing that the two of you had promised to talk later, he ghosted his lips over the shell of your ear and whispered, “Don't worry… we’ll make time. I promise.”

You closed your eyes and slightly nuzzled into him further, feeling the trepidation dissolve. You began to feel confident that things were going a certain way… Jensen was endlessly flirting, if that was even the word, essentially holding you into the curve of his body in front of the three people he was closest to. Even if the words hadn’t been spoken, his actions were indicating what you had been hoping for the past two years. You two had kind-of-sort-of snuggled before, but this was definitely different. Your grandmother would’ve called it ‘canoodling.’

Before you could respond to his statement, Misha and Jared’s teasing got into a friendly debate, wavering your attention from the concern of your whatever-it-was that was blooming with Jensen as the began to swat at each other. Jared playfully poked at Misha from between the seats while Misha was helplessly batted his hands away.

“Hey! Children!” you chuckled, sitting up and trying to separate them. “Don't make me turn this car around!” you said, using your best ‘mom’ voice, courtesy of Kim Rhodes.

Before long, you were pulling into the set location shortly after you had settled back into Jensen’s side.

As you received your direction, nerves bubbled slightly as you remembered that you would have to kiss Jensen once more. A wave of heat coursed through you as you were reminded of the feeling of his lips and the way his tongue moved against yours. Granted, as this was for film, there probably wouldn’t be as much of that this time, if there were any, but now with everything sparking to the surface, this kiss may be even more intimidating than rehearsal.

You were pulled to the side as they touched up your make-up and hair. Thankfully the rain had dissipated by now, and all that remained was early morning dew clinging to the leaves and branches of the trees.

You were led into a quaint cottage that had a red front door and a swing on the porch that overlooked a small garden and a large maple tree hovering off to the side. It was impressively picturesque. Quiet and small, but lovely; something you wouldn’t mind having one day.

You were handed a copy of the pages for the scene you were about to film and took a deep breath, eyeing Jensen out of the corner of your eye as he spoke to the director. He always seemed so calm and collected. His brows furrowed as he took calculated mental notes and expressed his wants for the act to unfold. There wasn’t a scene or a stunt that edged his nerves or that he didn’t give every ounce of talent to. You wished you had that ability—to make it so effortless and even lighthearted in the darkest of times on set.

You couldn’t help the way your lips curled at the sight of him, even as you twisted the pages you were given anxiously in your hands. The director gave you your queues and set instructions and positioned you on your first mark.

As you were taking a deep, calming breath (yeah, right), Jensen appeared in front of you.

“You doin’ alright, sweetheart?” he asked, ever present in ‘actor’ mode seeming as though all of his energy was now focused on the task at hand, while you were busy in your own mind and emotions.

You huffed uneasily and replied unconvincingly, “Y-yeah. Kind of.”

He placed his hands on your shoulders and kneaded the muscles that tensed under his touch before grasping the back of your neck gently and pulling you closer to him.

Jensen rested his forehead against yours and encouraged you to take a deep breath. Your eyes fluttered closed but your mind raced, as you feared the multitude of eyes that were trained on the two of you, waiting and wondering, but being in his powerful embrace made your surroundings disappear, even momentarily.

“Remember, Y/n… its just you and me, okay? You don't have to worry. I promise.”

You nodded at his reassurance and opened your eyes to his gaze, “Just you and me.”

He parted from you and took his mark, and the director called, “Action!”

“Hey, Dean. You’re home early! Did you have a good day?” you began, waltzing down the stairs into the living area of the foreign home, trying to seem as energetic as your alternate self, but one with no knowledge of monsters or things to hunt in the night.

Jensen slipped seamlessly into his characterization of Dean, a shocked and worried expression donning his features as he stood in the doorway just off of the porch.

“Y/c/n?” he sighed in disbelief.

Dean had just found his ‘home’ and tracked down what he and Sam believed to be the cursed object that sent them to this world. It wasn’t until he checked the mailbox and saw an envelope addressed to ‘Dean and Y/c/n Winchester.’

“Yeah?” you lightly chuckled, meeting him in the hallway and placing your hands on his chest. “Are you okay, honey? What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

The scene progressed with Dean standing in bewilderment and quizzing you on the historical events of the timeline he was thrown in to. When he asked your character how many years the two of you had been married, you entered into the lines you’d rehearsed.

“Dean? What’s going on? You’re scaring me.” You recited, choreographing your steps to land on the second piece of green tape.

The two of you danced around each other in the small space, narrating the lines you were given for the scene until the arc was timed.

“I need you to destroy your grandfather’s pocket watch.”

“What?” you breathed in shock, “Dean, that's all I have left of—“

“I know. Really I do. I’m so sorry, but you have to do it or something bad could happen… to me. And to the rest of our family. You have to trust me, sweetheart.”

As you nodded cautiously, he stepped lightly on his feet to carry himself around the table in the dining room, a set of windows shining a dim light into the small space from behind him. As he rounded, he gave you a slight, subtle nod, as if encouraging you to be prepared for the dialogue to come.

“But listen, Y/c/n…before I go, there’s something I need to tell you; something I could never tell you before, in my other life, because—well, because I’m not brave enough…” he closed the distance between the two of you, tracing his hands along the backs of the chairs that were pressed into the table as he passed, but never removing his stare from your eyes. When he reached you, he traced his fingertips along your hair, careful to avoid disturbing your soft curls.

“I need to tell you how much you mean to me. I—“ he choked, pausing to swallow thickly and run his tongue along his lower lip. “I love you. I always have, from the day that we met. I don’t dare cross this line in my real life, but I don’t know that I’ll get another chance to tell you, Y/c/n. I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I need you to remember that, forever.”

You didn’t fail to notice his improvisation this time—and that he remembered to use the accurate name—your heart fluttered as he looked at you with such sincerity and a passion burning behind his eyes. As much as you wanted to indicate that you caught it in some fashion, whether it be a little change in your facial expression or throwing caution to the wind and pulling him into your arms, the large camera that was less than two feet from you in either direction reminded you of your current need to stay in character. The blocking continued, each camera operator moving in sync to capture each of you from different angles until they backed away slowly, preparing for you to retreat.

“Baby?” You whimpered, pulling from his grasp and backing away slightly. “I’m just going to go call Sam, okay? Maybe he can help.”

As you turned, you felt Jensen’s fingers thread through yours as the director shouted, “Hold!” indicating that you were to stay in your position as they adjusted angles and filters. As you were frozen in place, a light but purposeful brush of Jensen’s thumb back and forth across yours caused a chill to run up your spine, but if you looked in his eyes at this moment, all would be lost, so you continued to face the opposite wall.

“All right, action!”

Jensen’s—or Dean’s—hand gripped your wrist and spun you quickly against him, his hand flying to your cheek to hold you steady as his lips pressed to yours. You brought your hand to his neck when his mouth molded, relishing in the wistfulness as all sensation flooded your system and lifted you into oblivion.

He trailed the pad of his thumb across the apple of your cheek and pulled away slightly, allowing you to remain in his hold.

“Tell me you love me, Y/c/n. Please? I need to hear it, just once.”

Tears pricked at the sides of your eyes at the emotion of the line. Dean was so torn between being with the woman he secretly loved, in a world where he was safe, and being back in the universe he belonged in. The simplicity of his want was not lost.

You gripped his hand that was still on your cheek and let a tear fall, something that wasn’t scripted, “I do love you, D-Dean.” You stammered. “I do. I love you.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry for everything. I hope it all makes sense soon.” He whispered.

Dean placed one more kiss to your lips and retreated, leaving you standing with a bewildered expression and watered eyes. Sam met him out front and they hopped into a hotwired truck to attempt a spell to return them to the correct world, but not before Dean turned and glanced longingly at the small house with a wooden picket fence, a regretful and sorrowful smile on his lips.

You watched the playback with the director, made a few small adjustments to a few lines, and finished the scene.

You and Jensen sat beside each other on the front porch swing and took sips from the waters that were brought to you, both of you resting your elbows on your knees as you swayed.

“You know,” he spoke up after a few moments of silence, glancing down at his boots. “That was probably one of the hardest scenes I’ve filmed in a long time.”

Slightly surprised, you looked at him with confusion, “Really? Why is that?” you asked apprehensively.

“You remember when we filmed the soul bomb scene? How it felt real? Do you remember what you said?”

You nodded, “Of course I do, Jay.”

He directed his eyes to you, emeralds shining in the sunlight, “This time… I was begging myself not to leave you.”

A/n 2: I received an anon ask when I was looking for fic ideas(see below) for a Jensen x actress!reader fic a while ago, but recently got hit with a spark of inspiration. This is based off of the song “What if I Said” by Anita Cochran and Steve Wariner and will be a short mini-series. Also there is a wife mentioned in some parts, but I purposefully left this person nameless as to not insinuate anything for Jensen’s real life.

Anonymous said: Hi! Just saw your post about looking for fic ideas. I’ve had this idea that I really like where reader is an actor on Supernatural and is friends with Jensen. They have a scene where they have to kiss or even just have to be right up in each other’s space and it makes them realize they like each other. It’s probably a common thing to write about, but I thought I’d ask anyway. Thanks!

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incarnateirony · 5 years

Note

i think there’s a distinction that needs to be made. i think those with power over dabb & co are the ones who are exuding more habits of queerbaiting, while dabb and co aren’t. and because those execs are more or less invisible, the blame/fault is put on dabb as he’s the perceived figurehead of everything in the show when he’s not. anything he may want to put in the show can be easily vetoed by a higher exec so

Okay so I said I wouldn’t touch related issues facing wanky-side, but while this runs the line this is such a genuine, and valid thought process it feels worth addressing.

So in short: Yes. But no. But yes. But no. But we’ll see.

What do I mean by that? I’m going to put this behind a cut. But first of all I want to thank this Nonnie for at least trying to critically think about where the problems lead to. This is FAR BETTER CRITICAL THINKING than I see in this discussion most of the time and this. More like this. Nuance, discussion, idea trade, history. Let’s do it.

Okay, so.

How can it be yes no yes no maybe eenie meenie miney mo?

Because it really depends on what part of this 15 year legacy show we’re talking about.

What I’m about to say isn’t going to be popular, but I’ve said it before, I just can’t find the ancient ass post discussing it.

We’re going to rewind. Like, a fucking lot. A lot, a lot. This is going to be a history ride, and you’re probably going to wonder how it connects to the conversation at first, but bear with me.

Ignoring any personal frustrations I have with the casting of season 4 – frankly a chapter of this FUCKING show that haunts me somewhere in the ballpark of, “If my friend wasn’t dismissed as not white enough and got the role, would we have Misha, Destiel, any of this, would the show be on, would she have been chased off as the other actresses?” – and frankly these are the things people don’t even fucking *think* about.

TLDR a bajillion years ago CW made a casting call and we got this super cute character named Anna that Dean was slated to bend over in two seconds flat, as old canon used to be before modernly growing. The actress expressed discomfort, and frankly went over with the audience about as well as wet cardboard. And like, while I agree that a lot of women were hated for misogynistic reasons in this show, she really was about as interesting as a plank of plywood to me once she got past her first performance or two.

At the same time, this handsome bastard named Misha Collins auditioned for a bit role originally intended for 3 episodes and quickly extended to 6. But, identified as lightning in a bottle and with on-fire chemistry, while Anna waffled for *several* reasons, summarily, their story ends swapped. That’s… not like *exactly* what happened but it’s *basically* what happened. Anna became the herald and contagonist instead of Cas, and Cas quite frankly took on the role of the goddess.

With Lisa already entered before Anna, there’s no evidence whatsoever she was intended as endgame. Story flip. Thank you for everything last night on earth fall by angel banishing almost like this was foreshadowed woohoo! But… don’t lend towards a relationship. No point. Given, they made a few jokes on set at that point, but it wasn’t really an idea *they thought anyone took seriously*.

Coming from a phase where most of the leads were introduced to “slash fandom” by Wincest, which they literally used to torture and prank each other, the idea of this being anything serious really wasn’t on their radar. The one I remember most was Misha choosing to sit on Dean’s side of the bed as Cas in the famous “What were you dreaming about?” and Sgriccia being like “that’s kinda gay” “nah keep it”

I mean, is that… queerbait at that point? I don’t think it’s fair to really call it that. They respectfully tried to scrub out the leading romantic edges from what would have been Anna’s story, but ultimately, the human psyche kind of recognizes 8000 years of storytelling history subconsciously when using the Hero’s Journey narrative, so it was resonant. Nobody was crazy for seeing it. That didn’t mean it was right, that didn’t mean it’s what they were consciously leading anyone for.

Hell, Jensen didn’t even know what the fuck Destiel WAS until season 7 (”Deathstiel?”) due to the way cons, circuits, and fansites kept the conversation force-muted at that point. Anything they had floated somewhere in the area of “hah that is kinda gay I guess”, and even that there’s no evidence of being frequent.

Kripke left, the show petered, social media was new, and summarily, Sera Gamble was a dumbass and listened to the wrong crowd that seemed super big back when big accounts were a whole 10K followers and you had 50 asshats screaming as a coordinated group about Ruining The Show™. Ratings tanked, somewhere between Misha being fired and the show turning into a parody of itself with dick jokes that made it seem like Gamble was trying to target 11 year old boys for her audience, and like, that’s it, that was the season.

Until that nosedive spiral essentially turned into a shorthand apology reversal, a panicked and roughly written script that was *SO GAY* that *EVEN MISHA FUCKING COLLINS* couldn’t seriously choke out the dialogue. It was cheap, it was out of character, and as Jensen put it, the dialogue might as well have had him petting and sobbing into Castiel’s coat while essentially being like I SLEEP WITH YOUR COAT EVERY NIGHT TO REMEMBER YOUR SCENT UWU and shit that just LITERALLY vaulted from alien fascinated staring into desperate teenage gay drama in the body of a 30 year old man.

So yeah. Did I consider it reasonable to change that? Fuck yes I did.

Was what Sera Gamble did queerbait? Yes, actually. And she did it again in the Magicians. You see, Gamble had fucked over an audience, and then tried to exploit that audience in reverse when she realized she fucked over the *wrong* audience, but had zero intent of fulfillment.

And then magically, Sera Gamble didn’t fucking work there anymore after a whole like, year and a half as showrunner.

Now, at the same time, Dawn Ostroff was leaving the CW. Jensen’s had some pretty fierce words about Dawn Ostroff not understanding the show and how to manage it, but whatever. Bye, Dawn. Hello… MARK FUCKING PEDOWITZ. But at the same time, WELCOME BACK CARVER and most of all HOWDY DO NETFLIX, so nice to make a guaranteed deal with you (that ended as of this year due to a CBS merchandising meltdown).

When Carver came back, he said a lot of things. He… very tactfully called Gamble’s era trash by phasing it like “:) Watching the show :) since I left :) I realized :) a lot of our mythology :) has been difficult to follow :) so I went :) back to basics :) please help”, and others, like mentioning he had a three year plan on his desk. So 3. Season 8, 9, 10. He had notes for his S10 finale in mind and everything! Great stuff.

Now the fandom, at this point, generally didn’t pay attention to the network or production. In fact, the actor worship around here is some other kind of wild and I don’t know how after 15 years people haven’t figured out that it isn’t how to go about paying attention. Either way – plot switches, showrunner switches, author switches, and NETWORK LEADERSHIP SWITCHES.

Now, this little part here is speculation – but I am 99% sure that when Carver was pulling SPN out of the cancellation toilet, he had bigger things to inform the new execs about than “btw I might make it gay.” Like “Hey, since CW just got its netflix deal, if you give us another year we can import fresh demographic while bringing back Collins’ old fanbase by setting him back as a regular.” SURE, SOUND GREAT, MAKE MONEY, THX.

Cool. Cool. Make sense so far, you still with me?

Because at this point, S8 into early S9, fandom had gotten itself into all kinds of a stir. It was about to go canon, rite nao, said a bunch of bloggers, who at that point WERE pretty much chasing wallpapers and Tshirts and making the most bizarre uncorroborated parallel interpretations like “IF U PARALLEL IT TO MOBY DICK-” WHAT WHY WHERE– ??? BUT cAS = fISH

Okay, my fucking annoyance at what counted as lit crit in those days aside, we’ll get back on track. Everybody started vibrating for this shit because, you know what, S8 did resonate pretty strong, almost like authors were toying with ideas. I’m not gonna get into stuff about Robbie, I THINK fandom knows the statements he’s made and I don’t just mean the whole Destiel being canon tweet both antis and bitters descended on him to eviscerate him about. About what? Calling it queerbait!

So here we go, the great advent. About a year after a dramatic network shift, a CW exec was like :))))))))) I’D LIKE TO LEARN ABOUT THIS FANDOM THAT IS SUDDENLY MAKING ME MONEY!! WHAT SHOULD I DO??? TO TWITTER! HASHTAG TALK TO THEM!

[logs in]

Beep boop. “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” “Destiel?” the FUCK is a Destiel? Wait what no I don’t know what you’re talking about representation isn’t our intention with these characters. “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT” “QUEERBAIT”

And then the network exec got so slammed he deleted twitter entirely and everybody popped confetti and felt accomplished and did NOT realize how fucking BAD that was. And frankly, anyone that did kinda didn’t want to admit it, because taking responsibility for that tire fire was… not… attractive. In fact, several folks are still around to this day, bitter blogging or making weirdass meta or accusing other people of wallpapers and Tshirts because that’s what they did so *YAY, PROJECTION!*

My own frustrated bitterness aside, I’m going to place some questions down, and not so much answer them as, now that the reader has really taken history in, let them decide:

At this point… is this queerbait?

Because this is when the queerbait yelling began. It’s when every fan with even a moderate platform or site blasted it out there.

It’s when the fandom made DeanCas a big problem.

And it’s also literally the same time Carver left his very first recorded, known direction with a romantic tilt, “The note I got from Jeremy Carver was to play it like a jilted lover, so that’s what we played there,” on LGBT author Bobo berens’ very first episode. Everyone runs circles around that modernly, or goes “SEE??? QUEERBAIT!” without realizing what the FUCK just happened here.

So, SPN went from cancel rating line to their most successful show between 7 and 9. Suddenly corporate sees their successful product *ON FUCKING FIRE* so do you know what happens?

Fuck it this IS one line I’ll break: Corporate panicked. They changed their press packets. If you noticed a bunch of media-adjacent people and their friends suddenly get bitter as FUCK in season 10 after still surviving the S9 mess, here’s fucking why. Because now that everybody spent the last YEAR trying to burn down the product yelling about shit that corporate had been literally blindsided by, they added temporarily a new section to the packet that included sexuality. They were, at that moment, suddenly listed collectively as heterosexual men. SEE, WE AREN’T QUEERBAITING IF WE TELL YOU THEY’RE STRAIGHT *will smith pose*

Congrats fandom, you have now officially made Destiel A Huge Problem™ to the corporate behemoth behind the shiny pictures. The iron curtain dropped. This is what you could call “Protect the Product Mode” if you will.

Now again, at this point: Is it queerbait?

Because at this point, S9-10 was rolling out. We all know it, Cain, Collette, *gestures off into infinity* But let’s fall back to Carver’s statement. 3 years. 8, 9, 10. You know what else happened season 10?

A bunch of shit, including shit Carver *wrote himself for the season 10 finale* got filmed, then cut. Coincidentally, it was all very gay shit. Things that pulled forward the Crowley/Abaddon Cas/Colette Sam/Abel parallels, arguing over who was who’s boyfriend, Rowena mentioning about them both being shattered at the Altar of Winchester (15.3 is calling), the secret admirer dream, I could go on. I mean, this shit literally would have shifted the entire storytelling arc to full-frontal taking that parallel and addressing it right up in your face. First you’ll kill your mistress but you’ll get it done, and then you’ll kill your wife. He’s your boyfriend no he’s YOUR boyfriend. You’ve BOTH been shattered at the Altar of Winchester. Really, this is what you dream about? Your secret admirer Cas?

K? K. K?

Is it queerbait for Carver to have entered with a plan? Is it queerbait for Carver to have been interrupted on that plan despite attempting to pursue it? And is it queerbait for the network to still lock down on that plan so close after the event?

You see why this conversation gets increasingly complex.

S11 rolled around, Carver was half in half out, Dabb was stepping in, big gay heart songs, take what you will out of that entire mess, and by S12 Dabb entirely took over and we started entering the era we are in today.

So let’s address where we’re at today.

Now :) I can’t say anything for sure :) because anybody that’s been to or worked on marketing stuff definitely has an NDA :) but let’s play for a minute. Let’s say with the stone wall up, a set of creators still wanted to actually *go somewhere* with this story.

“But!” remembered the network, “Remember the tire fire?! And all the people that hated the gay?! What about our profit?!”

“No,” a creator might say, “Tides have changed.”

“We’ll see,” a network might say, “Take it to market testing.” At which point, one would enter a few years of polling how the general audience reacts to this.

Now, if they were seeing promising numbers, they might be given a bit of rope. Why, let’s … just pretend. Totally. Totally pretending. That Dabb pitched this idea to take up Carver’s mantle. Let’s say that started S12ish when he took over. Let’s say they ran through hiatus. And then… authors might be given a little bit of a line. “Looks good, but we’re not sure,” said a network quite fond of its split conservative/liberal demographic, “Try it out a bit and see how it goes.”

And so an author room that would be full of LGBT creators fed out good faith groundwork. They might even be like YALL ITS NEVER TOO LAAAAAATE TO START ALL OVER AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN and just throw their whole boy howdy cowboy into that shit and get great ratings.

What if even if the results came back positive leaning, the network ho’ed and hummed and stayed noncommital? Might the creators scale it back while still writing it lowkey just in case they got flashed a greenlight? I know I sure would, woudn’t you?! Or I guess would you prefer we drop the whole thing cold and stop writing anything vaguely in the direction?

Difficult question, in reality, isn’t it?

So in this TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION, this leaves the authors holding the bag, waiting for a sign, and being held with limitations. And just in case anybody thinks “BUT AUTHORS CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT!! AND!! OTHER SHOWS!!!”

K have we come down to reality yet? So, sure kids, try the gay, we’re interested, but you can’t like, go Full Gay Frontal with it. You gotta imply the gay. Wouldn’t want to offend conservative america! Besides! We’re totally exploiting marketing making this LGBT content for you over here! *jingles a carrot on a stick* LOOK AT HOW MUCH WE’RE FLEECING ADVERTISING PROMOTING ALL THIS GAY STUFF FOR YOU AREN’T THE RAINBOWS GREAT?

Some creator of limited LGBT content: How’s the marketing looking?

Some network: EH! We’ll see!

Some creator of limited LGBT content: K guys we’ll scale it back to not upset them but don’t drop it.maybe we can have them hold hands at the end or if we’re lucky maybe they’ll say we can do the whole thing

Some LGBT creators: K

Making sense still? STILL WITH ME?

So at this point… is this queerbait, or is this business?

Put aside the emotional reaction. Realize this really only hit scale in S9, hit front line S10, and hit potential corporate discussion in this TOTALLY theoretic universe around S11-12. We’re talking 3-4 years. Not 10. And we’re talking only a few of it really being tested.

So again I ask, history minded: Is this queerbait, or is this business?

That’s where the nuance and complication comes in, and let it be said I am in no way defending the CW. I fucking hate the network. They have literally personally screwed over real friends of mine and I hope they choke on a whole bag of dicks with their bullshit, but honestly, the shit I have seen and heard would make people stick their heads in the sand like scared and ashamed ostriches for every time they trumpet “BUT OTHER SHOWS” – you don’t know what’s going on in those shows. You don’t know how they’re getting hardballed on budget decisions, you don’t know what that show’s marketed demographic is about, you don’t know what they demand cast how, you literally don’t have a fucking idea unless you’re up in that disaster zone.

And even IF you’re in that disaster zone, unless you’re truly in the upper echelon, you only know so much.

Now let’s pretend, again, totally metaphorically, and absolutely not inspired by a real person at all, that someone worked with the crew for a while and, because they saw support inside creeping upward siiiiince mmmm gosh we’ll say season 12 since that’s our advent and totally not when anybody specific started working there and telling fandom ladder fans what they thought they saw going on, only to get sad and bitter and angry and eventually leave, and all those friends, still abiding old bitterness from S9~, now get angrier because of somebody else’s burnout on their ITK level and perspective, even if that was *probably* aggravated by other work stress conditions as well, but hey! WHO KNOWS!?!?! :)))) What a weird hypothetical though and I’m getting weirdly super specific on it aren’t I so LET’S MOVE ON.

We’re in S12-13 discussion category now.

So my question is, from this perspective… when do you call queerbait? When not swept up in misguided hysteria… at what point do you say “Yeah, you know what, yup, that’s all queerbait”?

So we’re gonna take a bit of a break here for a second and really process all of that hypothetical world, where a creator pitched going for it, and got it put into market testing, and was given enough rope to hang themselves on if the network changed its mind.

After only a few years of conscious thought on it… do you even think the network is truly consciously misguiding specifically those fans, or do they see it as giving the fans something they want while testing the idea of possibly truly giving it to them?

Because here’s what fandom misses – the corporate perspective. And again, I’m utterly not fucking justifying the CW as a whole, but people look at this from the angle of fans, and then argue what they think is representative dialogue from the angle of fans, often while missing all of this history. All that history up till S9? That’s all very real. But looking at history in perspective… who are you going to blame for that? Is it fair to hold S4-9 to that five year stretch of queerbait when that was… pretty much fandom manufactured from blissful ignorance to begin with? I mean if you want to go yell at Sera Gamble Specifically okay (please don’t) but beyond that like– that shit? Is that anybody’s fault? Do you blame a company for actually shutting DOWN the talk of it on a press angle? Can we call that and S10 queerbait then? Was Carver’s attempt at writing through it queerbait? Was trying to continue the story in S11 after theoretic shutdown queerbait? These are all genuine questions that are not asked enough. Most people don’t even realize they need to be asked.

So back to Totally Theoretic Land, where S12ish market testing would have been going on to see if people really thought it was Gay N Shit. Like a lot of people in an overwhelming majority after the amount of apprehension the straight old dude running the network has ever since the goddamn tornado of horse shit that happened like a year after he took over. Probably not the fondest fucking memory for him either. Probably also why he dismissively called most of that demographic “casual fans”, because in Smug White Guy Brain, “tru” fans would have all known, I guess, exactly the shit I’m telling you in history backtrack so, look at the silly girls wanting the gay shit :) Ahhhh girlllllls

Okay so, my impression of douchebags aside, let’s give it 12-13 hiatus to give the first test rope lead and 13-14 hiatus for the next, only to have at best noncommital and uncertain numbers and authors, theoretically, cautiously pulling back while writing it as generally established and implicit, as if it might, I don’t know, go from BIG GAY DRAMA to DEADASS DOMESTIC all of a sudden despite ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO START ALL OVER AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN cuz get it, they started over, after he came in his room and played him. *elbows* You all get it right?

K. So maybe numbers changed. Maybe they don’t. Maybe I’m not comfortable talking in this hypothetical, maybe I don’t have access to this hypothetical AU’s current marketing data as of this year, I just don’t know! We don’t know where those cards fell.

But if, at this point, after 2-3 years of market testing, and leading authors on, and giving them enough rope to hang themselves with to get themselves accused of queerbait just for trying to lay good faith groundwork for a cohesive narrative, because fans don’t care that 2 open closet LGBT authors are on deck or that there’s totally theoretically probably and in no way fingering anyone at least one closeted author on deck, or at least publicly so, their coworkers would probably know. But I mean. That’s just. :) statistics. Right?

K whatever moving on. If at this point they’ve been boggley bounced around… you know, I gotta say. At this point… I might actually call queerbait if the network stonewalls it. At this point, they’ve had a few years to really get their shit together, and if they’ve just used it to play yo yo with LGBT creators trying to make content then yeah, go suck a whole bag of dicks.

The problem being with the lack of nuance in this conversation, you’re right, Dabb and co would catch it rather than the guilty party, which is why I HATE faux activism culture. If you’re going to be an activist pay the fuck attention to what you’re being an activist in, don’t bite the hand that’s feeding you just because it was a PBJ and not filet mignon, go after the bastard 1%’er that’s eating all the goddamn filet mignon. But nobody will. It never works like that. And then everybody wonders why this continues – be it in this show, or on other networks.

But hey. Maybe this theoretic network got enough material to change their mind. Maybe another executive got promoted that might help one of the other creators argue it to corporate with their new shiny title. Maybe they can convince someone. Convince them of what and to what level, who knows. Maybe just continue telling the established story, give them a divorce, mention marriage, divorce, dead wives, breakups every 0.2 seconds while they go through a classically framed dark point in the romance everybody with brains and eyes understands because, again, historic storytelling we literally all recognize, but pretend we don’t when stomping about personal representation lines? Or hey! Maybe it’ll go further. (Don’t hold your breath.) Throw in some other shit that even a straight guy would look at and be like “two dicks one chick that shit’s gay bro” because WE LITERALLY ALL FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT MEANS EVEN IF IT’S IMPLIED BECAUSE THE NETWORK IS A BUNCH OF PUSSIES.

…*stops, breathes*

If you can’t tell this is a very long term topic of frustration to me, because nobody, absolutely nobody, wants to introspect and think, you know, maybe it wasn’t queerbait back then, maybe we SHOULDN’T have set a corporate exec on fire about it, that might have been fucking bad.

There are other ways to be an activist than to scream queerbait into the void at whoever is unfortunate enough to cross your paths. One of the best examples I can remember is Exorcising Emily collecting demographics on fandom, and testimonials from LGBT fans about resonating with the content – no fanfic, no fanart, no attacks – and sent copies of this to several powerful creative names.

Now… if with this history… if, from season 9 to 12… one of those names became a creator. If, by some FLUKE of imagination… he still had that book around… and even gave it to his freshly joined new employees like 2 weeks after they started working there–

oh wait and i oop

The mentions would be much as you expect, antis screaming and demanding her job (QUICK, somebody tell Andrew Dabb that she’s READING ANDREW DABB’S OWN BOOKS THAT HE CHOSE TO KEEP AROUND FOR THREE YEARS).

Has Dabb’s era seemed… more plugged in? More resonant? Better and stronger in its storytelling? More hooked into fandom?

See, that’s what well thought activism can do. Well thought activism can structure an entire movement. Poorly thought rioting thinking itself as activism can cause the literal opposite effect of what it wanted. That is how these things contrast each other. And that is something fandom needs to DEEPLY consider.

…but is it queerbait for him to try to continue the story? Even if, say, we drop the marketing talk, because TOTALLY nobody can ACTUALLY know because AGAIN anyone that DOES would have an NDA so we DEFINITELY can’t say anybody knows anything for sure, because anyone that said jack shit would probably get sued so hard their descendents down in whatever homo superior evolution 1000 years into the future would feel it, so you know. We’ll put aside this totes theoretical shit and ask

…If he just was told no– would you prefer to just drop the storyline entirely at this point?

Again. Genuine question. And difficult. And something poorly thought queerbait screaming can actually cause, too.

So here we are in the land of the final season. Whether you consider it network queerbait or not – again, they can choke on the whole bag of dicks at a network level for all I care for ANY number of reasons, even well beyond the domain of Supernatural, and may all their bacon burn from here into the next life – it’s a lot more complicated than fandom has ever let it on to be, because letting it on to be what it really is, in full perspective, also demands a lot of introspection and acceptance, and we all know nobody in this fandom can ever make a mistake ever and they’re all fucking perfect darlings.

It’s a complicated answer to a simple idea… and unfortunately I don’t think this fandom will ever really sit here. They’ll yell “VICTIM BLAMING” because it’s buzzy, they’ll yell “HIDING YOUR GAYS” which I mean, yeah, but let’s talk about what led us here. They’ll yell a lot of things. But they will rarely quietly think, and study, and hone down to what’s going on in the world out there beyond what they have, at this point, become obsessively hotlocked on.

Supernatural, as of 15.7, has already taken several steps further than it ever is before. No, that’s not a signal of me saying [Your Personal Goalpost] is going to happen. But it’s a sign that if they have a line, they’re testing it with every strength they have.

Going back onto the Fateful Advent: Cain. The mentor– who was never going to stop; I can’t stop samuel; he was never going to stop; I will never stop; Rowena, the mentor, never going to stop, shattered, at the altar of Winchester. Long ago, when Cas was human, Dean sealed him away, and now, he’s doing the same to him. So Shirt Of Bad Decisions Deanmon basically karaokes with his friend like the Crowley days, REPEATING the Crowley dialogue but infinitely harder to dodge, as if some sort of calculated method of cat’s cradle of How To Write The Gay was discussed. Man, whoever wrote that kind of shit would probably even publicly thank whatever big gay mastermind helped them map out THAT level of stuff. Wouldn’t it be funny if most of that shit had been written by a gay dude that’s still around and it’s still popping back up in the show louder and harder to dodge than before? That’d be fuckin’ wild, man. Oh, fucking WAIT.

And this is why I hate the way shipping culture thinks it’s doing activism. Most of the time it’s cosplaying as an activist and at this point it’s become more of a furry convention than it has any kind of organized rights movement. Nobody’s out here fighting for the rights of these LGBT authors this year, nobody’s helping them get a voice, and in fact, often scream at them or bury what voice they’ve had as not enough.

And I want to fix it.

Desperately.

And frankly, I don’t know how anymore.

But what we’re not talking about is some 3-5 year show that came in early and started intentionally fucking at you. We’re looking at happy coincidences, so let’s check with our gay king, the father of Wayward that everybody coincidentally accepted as canon with far less because of a (meaningful) third party line DeanCas had elsewhere but hey it didn’t have antis so suddenly it counts; let’s check with him about that.

That’s my king. That’s my king that wrote the first recorded episode to be intentionally directed as jilted lovers. My king that gav eus Colette. My king that gave us the mixtape. My king that gave us the PR framed breakup. My king that gave us Cas leaving Dean. That’s my King. That’s my gay king who has been fighting his ass off, only to be hung out to dry by a fandom that doesn’t even care to look where or how to scream, or maybe consider that perhaps screaming isn’t the option.

Is he yours yet? Have I broken through to a single soul on this?

That’s my king who wrote about the necessary evils in 2003, before the youngest in this fandom were born and while many were still in diapers or kindergarten; about the unfortunate necessary evils that he loathes and acknowledges about moderate queer content gaining exponential amounts of platform compared to whatever is considered hardline aggressive at the time, about how that incrementalization is what helped our media landscape evolve to this day.

And he isn’t wrong.

And he’s getting roasted for doing just that.

And I really wish I could just psychically make everyone fucking stop.

But I will say one thing.

“It’s network queerbait!” I mean

Yeah

That

Because… realistically? like 99% of modern queer content is queerbait, even stuff with canon queer content.

ESPECIALLY on the CW.

If you’ve noticed CW panicking the last year and trying to slap rainbows and DARE TO DEFY on everything, it’s because their entire fucking ecosystem just got fucked over by CBS wanting 100% merchandising profit like it already took 100% digital profit and Netflix was basically like “miss us with your bullshit” and broke the CW contract which was *HOW PEDOWITZ BANKROLLED MOST OF HIS NETWORK*. Now? Now CW has to carve a niche. So LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING PRIDE COLORS ON– OUR– STRAIGHT–CHARACTERS??? BUT WE HAVE GAY ONES LIKE LEGENDS OF TOMORROW AND *flips notes* THAT SIDE CHARACTER LESBIAN ON SPN.

*gets a whisper* What they killed her? Shit. Maybe bring her back. AND THERE’S THIS PERSON OVER ON JANE THE VIRGIN oh that just got cancelled uhhh VAMPIRE DI-wait fuck. Well we’ll just make one of the chicks in this shitty charmed reboot CBS just forced down our throat and killed Wayward over, that’ll fix it *jazz hands*

TV is a business. Businesses make money. The entire LGBT battle is basically us industriously proving we can make money. It’s about rights and visibility on our end, but on their end it is *always* about money and I really don’t think anybody really groks what that really means.

So “it’s the network! Queerbait!”

…yeahhhhh.

…welcome to working in television. Now you just have to sit and think about how many other times this has completely missed your radar.

The network will never get a shit about you, they give a shit about your money, and that’s just the reality of capitalist america whether we like it or not. When it’s 2143 and bernie sanders’ floating head in a jar is president and andrew yang’s base income shit is in effect and we’re all a socialist country and the world has figured out how to run high cost businesses like TV on the power of unicorn farts, they might actually give a shit. But they don’t. There may be a few advocates WITHIN the company that do, but as a whole body, the network will never give a shit. They don’t care if you’re black, white, straight, gay, disabled, male, female, beyond what, explicitly, that totals to in dollar signs depending how they feed you, when and where.

So it’s not like... *just* a queer rights issue, it’s an “Anything Trump’s America may consider offensive on their television” issue. It’s businesses weighing who they think pays their bills while making it and beyond that who they think is the safest investment to make the most money.

As a side note: Personally, I’d consider it dumb as fuck to not do it. SPN will taper within a few years down to just trekkie-esque addicts unless they find a way to get a new burst of viewership and boy howdie do I hope so, but how much Pedowitz overvalues the conservative US demographic, or certain international markets, I don’t know. I’m not in his head and I don’t have this year’s marketing numbers beyond basic live, +3 and +7 ratings, and digital calls. And just general nielsen released demo. But how he’s added that all up? Can’t say. And I sure ain’t gonna bank on him not being a dumbass, when he’s famous for it, so don’t go get your hopes up either.

#supernatural #representation #queerbait #intersectionality #business #corporate #marketing

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coffee-obsessed-writer · 5 years

Text

When You Least Expect It, Part Nine

Jensen x Musician!Reader; Rob Benedict x Reader (Platonic); Jason Manns; Nathan (OMC); Dee (OFC)

Masterlist - Contains Chapter Links & Wardrobe Collages

A/N: This is a slow burn fic that I have been working on for a while. Its a story I wrote for myself and just wanted to share with everyone. Yes, the “Dee” in the story is who you think, but there is no intended hate on her or their actual marriage. It is a work of fiction, that is all. Part nine is from the Both POV. There is also a playlist to go along with the series.

Spotify Playlist : Songs in this chapter - “Wow and Flutter” “Stay With Me” “Every Breath You Take”

Beta’d by @closetspngirl who has contributed so much to this fic! Thank you for not only indulging my lunacy but encouraging it with gusto! I don’t know what I would do without you!!!

Chapter Summary: Just as they decide to finally take this whole crush thing to a new place, people from their pasts like to pop in and cause some trouble.

Chapter Warnings: Language, Mild Violence, Floof, PDA

WC: 13K (Yeah, I know... I need to just stfu) **with lyrics. Lyrics NOT written by me in bold, italic. That honor belongs to the wonderful April Smith and The Great Picture Show. Song is on the playlist and I highly suggest checking it out. Its a great tune.

*Banner created by me; pics & gifs found online.

Tags are open if you want on, or wanna hop off.

Jensen woke up that morning with a smile. For the end of May, it was already hot in Austin, and the humidity wasn’t exactly being easy on the people who lived there. It was barely nine and he could already see the heaviness in the air. It didn’t phase him one bit because in the next two hours he would be heading over to the townhouse to spend the day with Y/N, Robbie, and Jason. They had planned a full-on day of just working and brainstorming on the best way to go about arranging the schedule of bands, where each one would be playing and for how long.

It wasn’t an easy task, as many of them were traveling into Austin for one day. Y/N had already taken care of all that and even arranged for a shuttle service to take the acts to and from the venues to hotels, airports, or even the local convenience store—wherever it was they needed to go. They were giving their time and talent for a worthy cause, so if there was something she could do to make their stay more comfortable, she was more than willing to do it.

It was little things like that, that made her a good partner on the event, but it was also those traits that made him look at her with hearts in his eyes and butterflies in his stomach. Her mind had a way of working and problem solving it like he’d never seen before. She wasn’t just thorough with following through, she took steps above and beyond what would be expected and consistently blew his mind.

On today’s agenda, the schedules would be finalized, and he could finally talk to her about the music she would be doing over the course of the weekend. That was what started all this, after all. Watching her play at the Beachcomber, seeing her play on New Year’s Eve, singing at the convention—Jensen knew this festival would not be complete unless Y/N took the stage. If he could convince her to sing with him as well? Even better.

It didn’t take more than an hour for him to be ready to go. As he showered and dressed for the day, he rehearsed a hundred different ways to approach Y/N about performing. He had brought it up casually in the weeks since they were in Chicago, but she always found a way to change the subject or just blow him off completely. Today, he was determined to get her to agree to getting on one of the stages and sharing her gift with the crowd.

Keys in hand, Jensen was heading for the door when there was a knock at it, quickly followed by the door opening. Jensen was about to go off when he saw Jared come through.

“Hey! You here?” Jared called out, then spotted Jensen standing off to the side.

“Uh, yeah. Right here,” he chuckled. “What are you doing here? Thought you were heading out for a road trip with Gen and the munchkins.”

“We are. Leaving later this afternoon, I just had to talk to you real quick so I told her I had to run a quick errand.”

“So, you’re lying to Gen about coming here? Has she been reading fanfiction again? She worried there’s some, uh, frisky business…” Jensen motioned back and forth between him and Jared but kept a straight face.

Jared rolled his eyes. “No, you jackass. But she was talking with Dee yesterday at the house.”

Jensen was a little taken back by his statement. “Uh. Ok. So?”

“So? Dude, I knew Dee had been calling and shit since New Year’s, but you didn’t tell me she and what’s-his-face broke up. She made it sound like you two were getting close again and she was interested in reconciling. So, what gives?”

Jensen didn’t know what to say to that. He stammered and then started to pace from the entryway into the living room. He tossed the keys he had in his hand onto the coffee table and turned back to Jared.

“She said what now?”

“All I heard was that she and that guy broke up a couple weeks ago and that she’s been talking to you every day. Is she?”

“She texts me a lot. But it’s stupid shit, mostly. Not like we’ve been talking talking. What did she say, exactly?”

“I didn’t hear all of it, and when I walked in Dee clammed up. But, from what I could hear, your name along with the word ‘reconciliation’ was being tossed around.”

Jensen groaned a deep sigh and exhaled. “This is just aces. What the hell is she thinking?”

“So, you’re not, then? You and Dee aren’t—”

“No! No way. I haven’t thought about her like that in a long time. Especially after New Year’s.”

“Because she was there with her new man—ex-new-man,” Jared mumbled to himself, then waved it off. “OR is it because of Y/N?”

“Honestly, both? I guess…” Jensen shrugged.

This was all news to him and news he wasn’t exactly happy to hear. Y/N had her issues with an ex, now it was going to be his turn? It was bad enough that weeks had passed since he asked Y/N out on a proper date, but their schedules just hadn’t allowed for it to happen yet. Now, there was another potential roadblock that he wanted to prevent as quickly possible.

“Whatever you do, you didn’t hear this from me, alright? Gen and I have had enough conversations about you and Dee. No offense, but I just don’t need to go another round.”

“Hey, I get it completely. I’m sorry you had to catch some of the fall out from that.”

“It was bound to happen. Just for the record, Gen doesn’t have a vested interest either way. Not like she’s on Dee’s side waving pom-poms just because they’re friends.”

“Even if she was, she’s rooting for the losing team. I will always care about Dee, but the breakup happened for a reason. Took a while, but I am seeing what the reason is now.”

“Y/N?”

Jensen smiled, and that flutter of butterflies kicked up in his stomach. “Yeah. Because of Y/N.”

Jared considered it for a minute and nodded. “Despite the miscommunication debacle, you do seem pretty damn happy since you met her.”

“Because I am, man. She just makes me feel good. It's going slow, but, slow is good.

“How slow?” Jared asked, his expression wrought with curiosity.

“Slow. Very, very slow. But… it’s okay. It’s good. Means maybe it will work out.”

“Well, well… look at who’s being Mr. Level-Headed. Didn’t think you had it in you, to be honest.” Jared was trying his best to control his grin as he continued taking shots at his best friend.

“Don’t you have a trip to go on?” Jensen asked, then looked at his watch and back up at Jared with a deadpan gaze.

“Seriously! I mean, you freaked when Dee left. Completely overreacted and created this larger than life project. Didn’t you buy like, twenty pair of cowboy boots—”

“Alright, alright… thanks for the info and painful reminders, you can go now.” Jensen hurriedly tried to usher Jared towards the door. “Come on Paul Revere, you delivered the news. Time to ride off now. I got places to be.”

“Y/N’s?”

“Yes, now go.”

“You’re gonna talk to Dee?” Jared asked before he was pushed out of the door completely.

“Yes. I promise. I’m not lookin’ for a fatal attraction situation here, okay? I will speak to her and not bring you into it. Happy?”

“Blissfully. Tell Y/N I said hey. I’ll call you when we’re back.”

“Alright mom,” Jensen smiled and waved as Jared walked towards his car in the driveway, flipping him the middle finger as he went.

Jensen closed the door and went back into the house. He didn’t want Jared to see the mild panic at what he had told him, but there was some anxiety growing. When Dee had first reached out, Jensen was glad to have smoothed things over with her. Being friends again seemed like an achievable goal, and he didn’t even care anymore that she was with someone else. In the time between New Years and seeing Y/N again in Chicago, Jensen became hyper-aware that his fascination with the songstress from Seaside was more than just a fix for his loneliness. She was way more.

By the time they were in Chicago, and Y/N seemed just as happy to see him as he was her, it felt like a given that Dee was just an old friend, and their communication reflected that. Y/N was his focus, aside from the festival. Rekindling whatever he had with Dee was the furthest thing on his mind.

He debated on calling Dee then, but he didn’t want to bring Jared into it, so he thought it best to wait until Dee contacted him first. Then, it would give him time to figure out the best way to broach the subject of her possible intentions without it feeling like an attack. A provoked Dee was not a happy Dee.

Just as he was about to reach for his keys and head out the door, his phone vibrated from within his pocket. Almost afraid to see who it was, he slowly pulled it out and looked at the screen. When it was Y/N’s name and not Dee’s, he smiled with relief and tapped the message icon.

>>Please hurry. Robbie is playing a harmonica while Jason is playing a kazoo and doing a jig. I cannot be the only person to witness this chaos. HURRY!

<<I’m gonna need video evidence. It’s great for blackmail. On my way.

Jensen was able to get across town and be at Y/N’s complex in less than thirty minutes. As he approached the front door, he felt a twinge of anxiety. It only took a moment to realize that it was related to what he and Jared had talked about that morning, mixed with the understanding that he would have to tell Y/N about it.

He had to, right? Yes, he thought as he was only steps from the door, I don’t wanna fuck this up. Be straight up with her. She’ll understand.

Back when he had been with Dee, he always second-guessed himself. He would mull over a thousand different questions and had even more moments where he doubted what he thought or felt in regard to Dee. Jensen had no doubts now. He knew that Y/N would be understanding of the situation, and he realized that none of those past insecurities were coming up. Having that kind of confidence in not only himself, but in Y/N, made him even more determined to be upfront with her as soon as possible.

He knocked but could hear the music muffled coming from the third floor. Since she had come back from New Jersey, Y/N transformed the third floor of the townhouse not just into her office, but into space where people could jam, pick at guitars, or just sit quietly and enjoy the view of the river. The sound of guitars and yes, even a kazoo, floated down from the open window making Jensen smile. He went to knock again when the door pulled open, and Y/N’s face greeted him.

There was a split second where he just stared at her. She was radiant, and the heat of the day didn’t look to bother her one bit. Her hair was swept up off her neck in a messy bun, and around it lay the charm he had given her for Christmas. Y/N looked like she had just rolled out of bed, still in an old Pink Floyd concert T-shirt that had been modified into a tank top, and black pajama shorts that exposed a good amount of her legs. Y/N wasn’t wearing a drop of makeup. It was the most natural he had ever seen her, and by far, her most beautiful look yet.

“Don’t just stand there, hurry or you’ll miss it!” Y/N said excitedly and pulled Jensen into the apartment. “Come on! If you get upstairs fast enough you may catch Rob on the kazoo! Who knew he could rock out on that thing!”

Y/N had Jensen’s hand in hers and was pulling him towards the stairs. He froze in place and let go of her hand. “Whoa… easy tiger. Can you just wait for one sec.”

She turned to face him and looked slightly hurt that he let go. “You alright?” She studied him for a minute and then loosely crossed her arms under her breasts. “You’re not. What’s up?”

“Yeah, I mean, I need to talk to you about something and, I’m not sure where to start.”

“Oh,” she said and swallowed thickly. Her arms fell to her sides, and she fidgeted with them for a minute before returning them to crossed under her chest, but this time she was more tense and guarded. “What about?”

Jensen saw her body language shift and realized he gave her the wrong impression. Not off to a great start there, champ, he chastised himself.

“Nothing bad, promise,” he chuckled and closed the distance between them. He lightly rubbed the upper parts of her arms and as he softened his gaze on her, helping a little tension release from her body.

“Then, what is it?”

He already regretted bringing it up. “I’m a dick, this could have waited. I just… I’m so afraid of fucking this up--”

“Stop. You can’t do that. Whatever is gonna happen, is gonna happen, Jay. If you have something to tell me, please do. Then give me the benefit of the doubt that I won’t run out on you again, okay?”

“You’re right.” He paused and gave himself a moment to figure out where to start. “Jared came by this morning to talk to me...” he continued, trying to not be nervous about something so trivial. “You know how Gen is still friends with Dee? And how she and I have been talking again?”

“You’ve mentioned it,” she said.

“Right, well, I guess Dee was at their place yesterday, and she was making it seem to Gen that maybe she wanted to come back.”

“Come back? You mean, like, come back to you?”

Jensen nodded and watched nervously as Y/N processed what he was explaining. She was quiet, and that made him anxious. The longer she just contemplated, the more on edge he was getting. It wasn’t a big deal, it really wasn’t. He was just trying to be honest and upfront because he didn’t want her to get any wrong ideas about his interest, or lack thereof, in Dee.

Y/N paced from the entryway and through the kitchen. Leaning back against the counter near the sink, she used her hands to boost herself up and sat on the granite top. “I thought she was with that guy from the party.”

“Apparently she dumped him last week.”

“Oh… How do you feel about that?”

“About Dee’s breakup? Or about her wanting to come back?”

Y/N shrugged. “Both.”

“I mean, we go way back and she’s not a bad person, just misguided sometimes. I do care about her, and I want her to be happy if that’s with him or someone else… that’s up to her.”

“Do you want her back?” she asked bluntly, and for the first time, he saw a bit of worry threading through the lines of her forehead.

His reply was genuine and immediate. “No, Y/N, I don’t.”

Jensen crossed the kitchen and stood in front of where she sat on the counter. He could tell she was trying to play the whole thing very cool, that wall she put up was there, but not guarding her completely. Jensen could see there was a space that he could crawl into and make room for this business between them to grow further, but he would have to be vulnerable with her, first.

He took a step closer, putting himself within that zone of her personal space; the area reserved for only the most intimate of encounters. His tongue ran out nervously over his bottom lip, as he brushed his thumb lovingly against her cheek.

“I haven’t thought about Dee like that in a long time,” he continued in hushed tones. “Whatever she and I had, it's long over. You are the only person on my mind.”

Jensen leaned in and kissed her lips gently. He saw her eyes flutter closed and felt her respond to his touch. A flood of relief washed over him when Y/N’s arms draped over his shoulders and her hands clasped behind his neck, encouraging him to kiss her. It took every ounce of willpower he had, but Jensen finally did pull away from her before he wouldn’t be able to.

Jensen let his forehead rest against hers for a moment before stepping back. “Besides, you still owe me a first date, remember?”

“I remember. Maybe stop leaving town the second I get back…” she teased, challenging him with the rise of one, well-manicured brow.

“I could say the same for you. Can’t seem to coordinate these travel schedules of ours.”

“Well, you just had to go off to Italy last week…”

“Hey, I told you to come. We could’ve had our first date in Rome!”

Y/N rolled her eyes and sighed. Jensen couldn’t even pretend to be exasperated with her anymore when she did that. From that first night they spent out on the beach in Seaside, the simple expression of annoyance she threw at him quickly became the one he found most alluring.

“I told you, I don’t have a passport--”

“We need to fix that.”

“--Also, I had to work.”

“We should fix that too. This guy you work with seems like a jerk. You should tell him you need a night off. Or at least time to get a proper passport photo.”

“You are such an ass,” she giggled but looked at him with such adoration, even Jensen couldn’t deny it was there despite his constant fear that she would quickly lose interest in him.

“Seriously, he works you like a dog, never gives you weekends off to go out on a first date with me--”

“Ohhh my God, shut up!” she groaned, took his face in her hands and pulled his lips back for a blunt smack of a kiss and released him, solely to shut him up. “You done now?”

“Not if you’re gonna keep kissing me,” he winked. “In all seriousness though, when is this gonna happen?”

“I don’t know Jay, I leave in two days to go back to Seattle, then I have to fly out to Jersey because Miguel and Javier have finally agreed to join the festival. BUT they want me to come out and go over everything. Javier doesn’t trust Leo, and frankly, Leo would just fuck it all up. When do you start up again in Vancouver?”

“Next week,” he sighed. “It’s not lookin’ good here, Trix. I know things are chaotic, but I really want this time with you before things pick up even more.”

Y/N smiled bashfully and cast her eyes down away from the intensity of his gaze. “I want that too,” she replied in a near whisper. “How about tomorrow? Last minute, but, at least we’ll be in the same city on the same night.”

Jensen perked up, but before he could answer, they heard someone rushing down the steps in leaps and bounds, their feet eventually landing on the ceramic tile of the kitchen with a thud. Y/N started to laugh as Jensen’s head whipped around and saw Robbie standing there out of breath and trying to maintain his balance so he didn’t fall.

“Whoa, that’s slippery,” he said with chuckle and then saw Jensen standing there. “Hey! Look who’s finally here! You missed a killer kazoo session, brother.”

“I heard.” Jensen moved to hug Rob hello and then went back to his place right next to Y/N.

Rob looked at them and saw all the signs of two people clearly smitten with each other. Y/N was sitting on the counter, and Jensen was leaning back on the edge directly in front of her. She rested her chin on his shoulder and looked completely comfortable doing so.

“Don’t you two look cozy,” he quipped and went to open Y/N’s refrigerator.

“Aw, come on Robbie. We got our snuggle session later, do be hatin’,” Jensen teased.

Rob ignored Jensen and gasped when he looked inside of the fridge. “Jesus, Y/N, it’s like a deserted wasteland in this thing. Doesn’t the man pay you enough to buy groceries?”

“No, he pays me in wit and booze.”

“Bri was right, you two are a match made in Hell,” Rob sighed and closed the refrigerator door.

Y/N sat up straighter on the counter prepared to defend her barren refrigerator. “Rob, when am I supposed to go grocery shopping? Or cook for that matter? If I am in town, I am here for hours at a time. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve used this kitchen.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Jensen said and moved off the counter to turn to face Rob and Y/N. “Let’s get a bit of work done first. Then, I’ll run to the store and get something to cook up for everyone. Sound good?” Jensen offered her a helping hand off the counter, and she took it happily.

“Pizza?” she asked excitedly when her feet were back on the floor.

Jensen sighed. “God, no. Not again. No Salty Sow, either. I’m talking a home-cooked meal. Alright?”

Rob’s face lit up. “You’re gonna cook for us?”

“Yeah, sure. Why not? But, schedules first.”

“Aye Aye, Captain,” Rob said and thought they would both follow him up. When neither Jensen or Y/N made a move to follow, he realized he had interrupted something, again, and turned for the stairs. “You know, I’ll just head up and get the board clear,” he stammered and retreated back up the steps.

“I love that strange little man,” Jensen chuckled and slightly shook his head before turning his attention back to Y/N.

“So, you’re gonna cook, huh?”

“Yes ma’am,” he answered, accentuating the thick Texas drawl he normally toned down.

She eyed him with playful suspicion. “Didn’t know you could or that you even liked to.”

Jensen took a few steps towards her, his gaze fixed on her as he walked her back until she bumped into the refrigerator. He placed a hand on either side of her head against the freezer door, then bent down and ghosted his nose over hers before he left a breath of a kiss on her lips.

“There’s a lot you still don’t know about me, Trix. Come on, let’s go get some work done before this takes a turn and nothing gets done at all.”

Jensen stepped back from her, but Y/N felt frozen in place. He took her hand and peeled her off the fridge, forcing her feet to move and guiding her in direction of the stairs to join Rob and Jason up in the office.

An hour in and little work has gotten done up on the third floor of the townhouse. Jensen, Rob, Jason, and Y/N spent most of the time discussing music itself, instead of the scheduling of music. Eventually, it broke down to Jensen on the couch with a guitar, smiling like a fool as Robbie harmonized with Jason and the kazoo. Y/N watched from her spot on the floor, holding her belly and laughing as the guys jammed on what started out as a really nice version of Simple Man, into something unrecognizable, but amazingly fun.

When they had finally worn themselves out and put the instruments down, Rob’s stomach was growling loud enough for the entire room to hear it.

“Jay, please go get this man some food. I’m afraid we’re losing him.” Y/N pleaded with him as she stood up from the floor. “Maybe if he knows food is on the way, and you two aren’t here to distract him, I could trick him into work.”

“You’re devious,” Rob added, looking up to Y/N. “But your plan may just work.”

All eyes were on Jensen now, who regrettably got up from the couch. “Fine. Let’s do this. Jason, wanna take a ride with me?”

Jason nodded and got up from the couch and grabbed his keys from the table. “But we’re taking my car.”

“What’s wrong with my truck?” Jensen asked, slightly offended.

“Not the truck, I just want control over the music. Not really in the mood for Rob Zombie on repeat today.”

“Dude, that was one time. Let it go.”

Jason shook his head and went to leave the room, but turned and mouthed “more than one time” while Jensen’s back was still to him. “Meet ya in the car, buddy.”

Jensen waved him off. “Anything special you want me to grab while I’m out?” he asked Y/N and Rob.

“No, just food,” Rob said and went to pick up the guitar.

“Don’t you dare, Robert. You put that down and pick up the notebook and pen. Start making lists, I’ll be right back.”

Rob frowned, mildly scared. “Yikes. Since when did you get so bossy?”

Y/N gave him a challenging look, that made Rob slowly put down the guitar and pick up the notebook. Satisfied that he did what she asked, and turned her attention back to Jensen. She couldn’t help but laugh at his own expression as he appeared mildly shook at what he just saw happen.

“Damn, Trix. You gotta teach me that.”

“Oh don’t worry, I’m happy to boss you around any time,” she winked and then gently pushed him from the room and towards the top of the stairs. When they were out of view from where Rob was hopefully working, Y/N kissed his cheek sweetly. “See you soon.”

Jensen smiled and grabbed her arm lightly before she could turn away. His eyes were wistful and smiling, bringing out the crinkles she loved so much. He stole a kiss, sweet and soft before he released her and grinned smugly.

“I could really get used to this,” he said before turning and heading down the stairs and out the door to meet up with Jason.

Y/N took a moment to compose herself before going back into the office. When she did Rob watched her, a gleeful smile coming to light under his beard. “You guys… you’re pretty damn cute, you know that, right?”

“Shut up,” Y/N mumbled, but couldn’t hide the embarrassment in her smile.

“I mean it. So, what’s the deal, are you guys like… together?”

“Rob…” she whined. “Can we just work, please?”

“Yeah, of course,” he agreed and pulled out the list they had started with earlier that afternoon.

Ten minutes in and they came to their first bump in the road. There was an open spot on Saturday night that no one was able to fill.

“We could call one of the backup bands,” Y/N considered out loud.

“No,” Rob said, shaking his head. “I’ve got a better idea.”

“Which is?”

He leaned over and picked up the guitar, then held it out for her to take.

“You. You sing. You play. I know you have original songs. We’ve already talked about them. I want you up there.”

“No,” she chuckled and took the guitar but laid it down next to her. “None are ready, I don’t have a band anymore. I don’t--”

“Sure you do. We’ll back you up. Come on. Play one of the songs. I wanna hear one.”

“Maybe another time. Right now--”

“Nope. Now it’s my turn to be bossy. We need to fill this spot. It’s a big one on Saturday night on one of the main stages. I love the other bands and singers, but none of them are going to be able to fit that slot like it needs to be. We need a big sound. Original stuff. Too late to get any big, popular touring acts, so let’s give them something new. Besides, I know for a fact that a lot of fans are coming. A lot of which have seen you on stage with us already. So… whatcha say?” Rob motioned towards the guitar with his chin. “Play me something.”

Y/N studied his face for a moment and sighed in relent. “One song. But I promise nothing about the festival.”

“Yesss,” he hissed, excited for what was about to happen.

Y/N picked up the guitar and positioned it on her lap. “It’s not completely finished, but this is Wow and Flutter.”

She began to strum, the tempo was upbeat and had a good rhythm that Rob knew would be easy for the band to pick up.

“I could take a great big bite out of you When I get my cake I like to eat I like to eat it too And can I help myself if I find you simply delicious?

Now I'm like the big, bad wolf at your door My mouth is wide open, ready to explore And I'm not hiding the fact that I'm out for blood Baby, I'm vicious

Don't hate a girl because she knows All the ways to get beneath your clothes Cause you played those games, down to the letter You're just mad cause I play them better”

Rob’s foot was tapping along, and the grin he wore was large and genuine. When the verse went into the chorus, she repeated it twice and then just strummed the rhythm for a few more bars before stopping.

“I told you, it’s not done. I mean the lyrics are but…” she paused and shrugged. “Nothing special.”

“Nothing special?” Rob exclaimed. “Are you fucking serious right now? Y/N, that song… that could be huge. I can hear it finished in my head already and I’m telling you… it works. Please. Please consider this. I am begging you.”

Y/N didn’t know what to say. No one that had heard her original music had ever seemed very impressed by it; other than Mama Mia, of course. But that woman would encourage Y/N to do just about anything so she didn’t exactly trust her judgment.

“I--” Y/N was interrupted from a knock at the front door. “They couldn’t be back that fast, could they? Be right back.”

As she bounded down the two flights of steps, she felt a little relieved to be distracted from the conversation she was having with Rob. Putting it out of her mind, for the time being, she reached the front door and when she pulled it open, she felt like she was hit in the gut with a bag of rocks.

Nathan was standing on the porch, and when he saw her, his mouth unfurled to a wide grin. He looked tired and road worn; his clothes wrinkled and his hair unkempt. Yet, he still smiled wistfully when he saw her.

“Nathan?” His name came out more of a hollow whisper. “What are you doing here?”

“I came out to surprise you. Things at home were getting a little tiresome, so I rented a car and decided to take a road trip.”

“To Austin?”

“Well, not just Austin, but a stop along the way. Hope its a good surprise…”

“Um, yeah,” she said and tried to muster the enthusiasm he was expecting her to have. “Just a surprise. You have impeccable timing. One more day and I wouldn’t be here.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“Work,” she started and then stepped aside. “Sorry, come on in…”

Nate walked into the townhouse and looked around, letting out a little whistle as he did. “Fancy.”

“Not really. Just sort of serves as a home base for everything,” Y/N said, a knot of nerves was starting to tie in her stomach.

“Still pretty nice that you get to live here. Quite an upgrade from the bungalow.”

Y/N shrugged. “I don’t know. I love my bungalow. This is a great place, don’t get me wrong, but I miss having the ocean outside my front door.”

Nathan wandered into the living room and looked out of the rear balcony doors. “Yeah but, you got a river out back. That’s pretty sweet.”

“Yeah…” she trailed off, trying to think of what to say, but was blessedly interrupted by Rob coming down the stairs.

“Was that them because I am seriously hungry--” Rob said and paused when he saw the change in Y/N’s expression and body language. He didn’t say anything, but his brow knitted together, confused, and when she looked past him into the living room, Rob turned and saw the source of why her energy had shifted.

“Um, Rob… this is Nate. He’s a friend from Jersey. He’s on a spontaneous road trip and decided to pop in to say hello.”

“Oh, hey man!” Rob said and walked into the other room, hand extended in a greeting. “I remember you from FaceTime.”

“Yeah, right. How are ya,” Nate replied and shook Robbie’s hand?

“Good, good. That’s a long drive from Jersey! Where’s your ultimate destination?” Rob asked, trying to keep him engaged in conversation. He could feel the tense energy vibing off Y/N and he wanted to step in and help her however he could.

“Not sure really. I only have a couple weeks before I start work, so, thinking of checking out the west coast.”

“What work?” Y/N asked.

“Oh, you remember that old guy Ellsworth? The one with the fluke fishery out of Manasquan?”

Y/N nodded. “Of course, they were my dad’s biggest competition.”

“Yeah, well, his kid Kevin hired me on. Gonna be running flukes for the summer.”

“That’s great,” she said but felt that she didn’t entirely believe him. Kevin had been a friend of theirs growing up, and the last she could remember, Kevin and Nate did not leave things on good terms. Not wanting to rock the boat, she let it go and just tried to think of how to make this surprise visit go smoothly.

“Can I offer you a drink? I don’t have much, unfortunately…”

“I’m good,” he said. “Can I use your bathroom though? Long drive and all.”

“Of course, it's down the little hallway there, behind the stairs.”

Nate smiled at her as he passed by, and went down to the bathroom. Rob turned then and quickly walked over to Y/N.

“You alright? You look pale.”

“Just surprised is all.”

“Not a good one I take it?” Rob asked and Y/N just shrugged, then swallowed hard enough for Robbie to hear. “Who is he, really?”

“My ex. We’ve known each other for years,” she said lowly, then moved back into the kitchen so Nate wouldn’t hear them. “It didn’t end well. At all. He came over while I was back in New Jersey over the winter, wanting to be friends. But--”

“But what?”

“I don’t know Robbie, I think he wanted more. I tried to be firm and make that understood. But I don’t think he is taking that rejection well.”

“What makes you say--” Rob was cut off by the sound of the bathroom door open.

“So,” Rob started as Nate rejoined them in the kitchen. “How long you in town for?”

“Um, well, that depends on this one,” Nate said with a grin, that made Rob noticeably uncomfortable and pointed towards Y/N.

“Nate, I just told you, I leave on a trip soon. I won’t be here.”

“Oh, right,” he said, choking back whatever words wanted to follow. “Well, might as well make the most of the time we have, right? Why don’t you give me the grand tour.”

“Sure. I can do that. Rob, you wanna hang here and let the guys in if their hands are full?”

“You got it,” he grinned and watched as Y/N escorted Nate up the stairs towards the second floor.

When they were gone, Rob took out his phone and brought up Jensen’s name through the messaging app.

<<Hey man, how much longer you guys gonna be? Surprise visitor at the house, Y/N is sorta freaked.

He hit send and then held his breath for a beat waiting for Jensen’s response. It didn’t take more than a minute to get a text back.

>>What the hell? Who’s there?

<<The ex popped in.

>>Mine or hers?

<<Hers.

>>What the fuck. She ok?

<<Yeah, just freaked he showed up unannounced. What’s his deal, anyway?

>>IDK never met the guy. But I’m about too. Be back in ten min.

Y/N showed Nathan around to the second floor, but skipped her bedroom, then took him up to the office area on the third floor. When he walked into the loft space he stopped and took a good look around. It was a large, open room, with two glass doors that open out onto a balcony.

“Wow, this place… it's huge for one person,” he mumbled and walked through. “Can’t believe you have furniture and instruments up here, and still have that much room to move around.”

“Well the guitar is mine, but the amps and bass, drum kit… they’re all Robbie’s. He brought them up about a month ago and they just sort of became part of the room now.”

“You playing with their band?” he asked in an accusatory tone.

She was taken aback by the tone of his question. “Sometimes, but just for fun. Why?”

Nate shrugged, seemingly annoyed, and walked out to the balcony. Y/N stayed in the room, though she knew he wanted her to follow him out there. A moment or two later, he came back in realizing that she wasn’t going to.

“So what’s the plan, Nate? Why are you here, really?”

“Can’t I just come by to say hello? I mean, we’re friends, right? That’s what you said.”

“Yes, Nathan, we are--”

“They why don’t you call or text me back?”

“Because I’m--”

“Busy?”

“Yes, and stop interrupting me. I’m working, Nate. I travel a lot. I am in meetings with school boards, city councils, business owners, bands…”

“Singing on stages with celebrities…”

Y/N froze. “What did you say?”

“I saw you, Y/N. I saw the video. When you were in Chicago and you never called or texted back. I got scared something happened to you. I was sitting at home worrying that you were dead in an alley somewhere. I mean, you were in Chicago! Anything could’ve happened to you! So, since you weren’t answering, I did some digging. Searched hospitals and morgues, but then I saw the video and there you were, perfectly fine.”

“And? What the fuck does that have to do with anything, Nate? It was work! Also, I don’t HAVE check in with you. I call and text when I can. I told you back in January if you couldn’t handle us just being friends, then, you need to stay away.”

“No… I…” he stuttered nervously “I can, Y/N. I know, I have a lot to make up for. It’s just… I miss you. Just even talking to you. And I worry about you traveling so much alone.”

“I’m sorry Nathan, but that’s no excuse to come here to my house and act like a jerk.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Y/N sighed and crossed her arms over her chest tightly. From below, she heard the commotion of voices and knew that Jensen and Jason had come back. Relief washed over her, but also a sting of anxiety over Nathan coming face to face with Jensen and what that would entail.

Nathan heard it too, and Y/N saw his body noticeably tense up. “More company?”

“No, the other guys are back with food,” she said and walked towards the door.

“What other guys?”

“Jensen and Jason. We were all here working today.” Y/N turned to go down the stairs. She didn’t invite him to follow, but he did.

Down in the kitchen, she found Rob, Jensen, and Jason talking in hushed tones, and she had an idea that it was in regards to Nathan. The moment she arrived in there, they stepped back and resumed normal conversation.

“Hey,” she said and went to the counter where they were unloading the bags. “What did you get?”

Jensen studied her demeanor for a moment before answering. “I got some chicken kabobs to throw on the grill, some salads and Jason insisted on the mango salsa and chips.” He was going to ask about Nathan and if she was alright, but right on the heels of his rundown of lunch, Nathan appeared from the stairwell into the kitchen. Y/N heard him and did her best to keep a pleasant tone as she introduced him.

“Nathan, this is Jensen, and that’s Jason. They are both working on the festival.”

“Nice to meet ya,” Jensen said and held out his hand. Jason simply gave a wave from the other side of the kitchen as he pretended to busy himself with the food.

Nathan hesitated when taking Jensen’s hand to shake, but after a moment, he reached out and did just that. Y/N could see he was getting angry. That side of him hadn’t changed, and all his usual tells were still the same; his hands were fidgeting, the vein in his neck was protruding, his body was very rigid. But somehow, Nathan managed to shake Jensen’s hand and even reply normally to the introduction.

“Same here. Heard a lot about you from Y/N,” Nathan said after letting go of the greeting.

“Yeah, me too… So what brings you to Austin, Nate?” Jensen was getting right down to business. Y/N watched nervously as the conversation between them was pleasant, yet ripe with tension.

“Just road tripping through,” he answered and shifted uncomfortably.

“How long you sticking around for?”

“Well, I don’t know, Jensen. Was hoping a few days but seems like you’re working Y/N too hard, as she’s off for another trip tomorrow.”

Jensen knew that she didn’t have to leave for another two days, but nodded in agreement. “Yeah, well, that’s why she gets paid the big bucks,” he said with a forced smile. Y/N saw that expression and knew there was nothing humorous about it. Jensen was getting annoyed by Nathan already, and she needed to find a way to diffuse the situation.

“Jay, why don’t you go light the grill. Takes a few minutes to get going. Rob and Jason can get back on the schedules while the food’s cooking. Right guys?”

“On it,” Rob said, grabbed the chips and salsa, then motioned with his head for Jason to follow him back upstairs.

“Yeah, okay,” Jensen said after the other two left, and gave Y/N a purposefully sweet smile. He grabbed the ready-to-grill chicken kabobs from the counter, then made his way through the living room and out onto the patio to ready the grill.

“Nice guy,” Nathan mumbled sarcastically. “His hair always look like that?”

“You need to stop. I am not going to do this with you.”

“Do what?”

“Have you stand in my house and be rude to my friends. You forget I know you, Nathan. I know your tone, your body language… I know when you’re lying and I know when you’re being a shit on purpose.”

He was growing annoyed and she didn’t care. She was tired of his brazen ways of trying to get her to pay attention to him.

“I’m not lying. I am on a road trip, wanted to see you. That’s all!”

“Ok, fine. But, you should have called. I can’t just drop everything for you--”

“But you would for him,” Nathan snapped and pointed over his shoulder. “Some pretty rich boy… who can buy you townhouses and fly you all over the world. When the fuck did you get to be so God damn shallow?!”

“You know what, fuck you! You don’t have the first clue who he is. You don’t know me anymore, Nate! I am not the same girl you could push around and--” she stopped herself before she ventured down a road she wasn’t ready too.

“And what?” he asked, baiting her.

“It’s time to go, Nate.” Y/N wouldn’t look at him. Her arms were so tightly crossed against her chest, she was beginning to tense in her shoulders and lose feeling in her hands.

“You’re unbelievable. You leave Jersey for what, six months? And now you’re too good to spend time with me, right? You’ve moved on? What makes you think you deserve any of this, huh? Because some fuck boy is gonna give you whatever you want to suck his dick?”

Nate was growing louder and now, more than ever, she just wanted him to go peacefully.

“Nate, please. Just go,” she said, nearly pleading with him.

“You say I’ve changed?” he ignored her and continued. “YOU have changed! You used to not care about any of this shit. It was you, me and Dave. All we had was each other!”

“Right, then you drank everything away and left! Put me in the goddamned hospital before you did, too!” She was so angry she was shaking now, working hard to focus her frustration at Nathan. So much so she never heard the balcony doors open a moment before, or notice Jensen step through.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” Jensen’s voice cut through the tension and caused Y/N to finally unfurl her arms, letting them fall to her side.

“Jay…” she breathed and looked over at Nate who was grinning in a way that made her stomach churn.

“Did you actually just say that he put you in the hospital?” Jensen’s gaze was stuck on her, his lips pulled into a thin line and his arms rigid at his side. “Y/N?”

Y/N closed her eyes for a moment and sighed deeply before answering. “It was a long time ago… It’s not a big deal. I’m just asking him to leave now.”

“I don’t give a shit if it was yesterday or a lifetime ago. He put his hands on you and put you in the hospital. Yes or no?”

She tried to swallow back the lump of anxiety in her throat. Words wouldn’t come, but she wouldn’t lie to protect Nate anymore, either. Slowly, Y/N nodded.

In a flash, Jensen took a few lunging steps towards Nathan, grabbed his shirt at each shoulder and shoved him hard up and into the wall. His face was contorted into disgust and it was taking all of his will power not to pummel the man right there.

“What the fuck did you do to her?!”

Y/N could hear footsteps from upstairs, the volume of the argument reaching the top floor of the townhouse. Just as Jensen was getting in Nate’s face, Rob and Jason were there, trying to pull Jensen off him.

“Jay! Come on man be smart!” Rob yelled, yanking at Jensen’s shirt as Jason wrapped an arm around his waist, trying to move him back.

Jensen stopped resisting and let go of Nate’s shirt. He stepped back but was still breathing heavily through his nostrils from the rush of adrenaline.

Nate laughed and smoothed out his shirt. “That’s what I thought,” he mumbled and took a step towards the front door. “Don’t worry, Y/N. I’m going. I see you for what you are now. You ain’t worth--”

Nathan was stopped by the motion of Jensen’s fist connecting with his mouth. Taken off guard, Jensen cocked his arm back the second Rob and Jason had let him go. He had no intention of letting Nate get off that easy. Leaving or not, Jensen would have the last word here. No way he was going to let Nate say anything else, especially not about his girl.

Nathan went spiraling backward, and slammed into the front door, then slid to the tile. He grabbed onto his jaw where Jensen punched him and felt the trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth.

“Come on! You’re so fucking tough to him a woman?! Hit me, asshole! I dare you!”

“Jensen! Jay, please… Just… let him go,” Y/N was standing in front of him now, pushing him back towards the living room and out of Nathan’s reach. “Please, look at me.” She could feel how tense his body was and she was amazed she was even able to move him back at all. Y/N touched his cheek and then lay the same hand on his chest; simply trying to get his attention.

From behind her Nathan snorted a laugh and muttered, “Yeah, that didn’t take long.”

“Dude, I think you need to leave. Now,” Rob warned, feeling ready to lay down some swift justice himself. “Seriously. Fun’s over.”

“I swear to God if you come anywhere near her again…” Jensen growled then trailed off, knowing he needed to be careful, but seething to make a definitive promise of bodily harm. He finally looked away from Nate and into Y/N’s gaze. He saw her desperation for this to be over. For her, he released the tension in his body and laid his hand over hers that rested on his chest.

Nate didn’t say anything else. He glared at Y/N incredulously and gathered himself before opening the front door. When he was done eyeing her with an air of disgust, his gaze flicked up to Jensen. Nate spat on the floor and laughed, then went out the front door and slammed it behind him, making Y/N jump.

Jensen put his arms around her and pulled her into him. He held her until she stopped trembling, then walked her to the couch. In that time, Rob wiped up the floor, so Y/N wouldn’t have too. He and Jason thought it best to give their friends a few moments alone, so they quietly went back upstairs after setting all the locks on the front door.

“You alright?” Jensen asked her. She was tucked into the crook of his arm on the couch, and he was grateful she had stopped shaking.

“Me? How’s your hand? You hit him pretty hard.”

“Eh, it’s fine,” he reassured her and flexed it once or twice. “Promise. Just a little sore.” Jensen sat up and turned to face her. “Why didn’t you tell me what he did? And, I’m not trying to judge you, but why would you ever let him back into your life after he did… whatever he did?”

Y/N slowly shook her head. “I don’t know. He never used to be violent. After the drugs and drinking though, he got that way. We were at the Bamboo, and he had come for money and I wouldn’t give him any. He hit me, square in the face. Broke my nose and when I fell back, I hit my head and got a concussion.”

“Hence the hospital stay.”

“Yup.”

“Jesus,” Jensen sighed and took her hand in his. “He won’t hurt or scare you again. Ok? I won’t let him. In fact, I think it would be safer if you just come stay at my place. I won’t be there a lot, but, better than you being here alone. I don’t like the idea of that while I’m in Vancouver.”

“No, Jay--”

“No, listen. Please… Y/N…For me, for my peace of mind, come stay. We’ll wrap this up and then go back to my house--”

She was shaking her head emphatically. “No. I won’t do that. I won’t let him chase me away. I had to move away from the bungalow for months after that happened because I was afraid. I won’t leave my home again because of him. I won’t, so please don’t ask me too.”

Jensen was quiet for a minute but agreed to stop asking. “If he should come back around, you don’t hesitate to call 911. And tomorrow, I’m calling an alarm company and getting one installed.”

“Jensen,” she sighed, “That’s not necessary.”

“It is to me. And if you won’t come to my place. I will make sure you’re safe when I can’t be here. Sorry, Trix, those are the rules if you’re gonna date me.” His expression shrugged, and it made her smile. That’s all he ever wanted to do was to make her smile.

“I can handle that,” she said and leaned against him again.

“Do you… are you still--I mean, if you wanna cancel tomorrow,” Jensen started half-heartedly, hoping she would stop him. He wasn’t disappointed.

“Oh no, fuck that. We are going out tomorrow. I refuse to let that assclown ruin anything else. Especially that.”

Jensen breathed a sigh of relief and kissed the top of her head. “Good. That makes me happy.”

“Can I ask you a favor?” Her voice seemed small and timid.

“Anything.”

“For the rest of the night, can we not say his name or bring this up again? Everything was so perfect before he came and ruined it.”

“That is something we can do. You know what else, we can do?” he asked and pulled back to look down at her.

“Eat chicken kabobs. Good ones too. Maybe Rob and Jason even saved some of the salsa for us.”

“Now you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment, Jensen,” she teased.

She loved how despite the chaos that just erupted, he could roll with the punches and provide her with the tools she needed to get back on track with feeling good and skirting the void she used to fall into where Nathan was concerned. Jensen was a beacon for her, and she was grateful to have him in her life.

“Call me a hopeless dreamer,” he laughed and stood up from the couch. He offered her a hand and pulled her up to her feet. She turned to go, but he stopped her and made her face him.

He didn’t say a word, just kissed her softly and gave her hand a squeeze. She saw that he winched a little when he did and knew he was downplaying how badly his hand hurt. Y/N walked into the kitchen and went into the freezer. She pulled out a bag of frozen peas and met him near the staircase.

“Gimmie,” she demanded and waited for him to put his hand out. She rested it gently against the bag of peas and adjusted it to cover his knuckles.

“Robbie’s right, you are bossy.”

“It’s a gift,” she shrugged it off.

“It’s cute.”

She shook her head and concentrated on his hand. “I have sports tape somewhere. I’m a klutz, constantly tripping over stuff, so I learned to keep it on hand.”

“Hey, Y/N, it's fine. I’m fine. I promise. Go upstairs and help the guys. I should go flip the chicken. Then we’ll work and after which you and I can just concentrate on tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? What’s tomorrow?” she asked, but couldn’t keep a straight face. “Still cute?”

Jensen nodded. “Ridiculously so.”

Jensen called first thing the next morning, letting Y/N know the security company would arrive by ten for a consultation, and the installation was scheduled for the day after she left, with Jensen promising to be there to oversee it. They chatted casually about that evening, and he was very mysterious and vague about the plans he had made for them. Only that she should wear whatever she wanted, and be ready by six.

There was much different energy throughout that day then there was the last time she spent an afternoon getting ready to go out with him. Y/N leisurely searched through her closet and pulled out a white, cotton dress, with a delicate lace overlay that came to mid-thigh. Pairing it with her favorite jewelry and sandals, she grabbed her light blush colored purse just as his knock rapped at the door.

Y/N exhaled a steady breath before she opened the door. She had been out places with Jensen a dozen or more times, but tonight was different. It wasn’t about work or the festival, it wasn’t planning or brainstorming. This was just Trix and Hollywood, going on a date and that put a mild tremor into her nerves.

She opened the door and saw him standing there staring off into the parking lot. There were a few times she was struck by just how gorgeous he was, but that night, Jensen took her breath away. He wasn’t dressed in anything more than a pair of blue-grey pants and a tight-fitting, long sleeve cream color shirt, but there was something about him that left her speechless.

When Jensen turned and was able to take in the full sight of her, his expression fell, along with his jaw.

Y/N had a moment of panic at his reaction. “What? It's too much, right? I’m way overdressed—” she paused when Jensen looked like he may say something but stopped. “Underdressed? I could change.”

Y/N went to turn, already running through other things she could throw on real quick. Before she could get far, Jensen’s hand gently grabbed her wrist to stop her.

“You’re perfect.”

“You’re biased.”

“Maybe,” he shrugged and guided her closer towards him. “But I don’t care. You’re perfect just how you are.”

She looked away bashfully, momentarily unable to handle the way he was looking at her. Y/N didn’t know if she could accurately describe just how intense it felt; just that it made every hair on her arms stand at attention, and every nerve ending spark with live current. Jensen offered his elbow to her just like he did on New Year’s Eve, and once again, she took it happily, closing the front door behind her.

As Jensen escorted her from the front door to his truck, Y/N had a moment where she wondered if he made her feel like he did because he was simply the most genuine and kind man she’d been out with, or if it was because that’s what it felt like when you met your soulmate. He opened the car door for her and once she was in and he closed it, she watched him walk around the front of the truck and thought the night would help her to figure that out.

“You never did tell me where we were going,” she said as she watched the city roll by from the passenger window. “I mean, this is you we’re talking about, so I don’t know if you’re taking me to McDonald’s or to The Met.” Y/N turned her head from the window to look at him and was met by a deadpan roll of the eyes.

“Seriously? McDonald’s?” he sighed.

“What? I’m not exactly a five-star bistro kinda girl, Jay. I’m ok with Mickey D’s, as long as you let me supersize.” She wiggled her brows and winked at him. Even when she was being purposefully sarcastic, he found her adorable.

“We are definitely not going to either of those places. I was shooting for something more in the middle.”

“A hint, perhaps?”

“Nope. Sorry, Trix. You’re just going to have to be patient. Besides, we’ll be there before you know it.”

“Mean.”

“Terribly,” he smirked and directed his eyes back to the road in front of him.

True to his word, they arrived at the secret location shortly after. Jensen directed his truck through the entrance and to the parking lot, finding a space and killing the engine. Y/N realized they were in Republic Square and felt slightly confused until she spotted the sign near the edge of the lot that read “Jazz in the Park, Featuring FOR TONIGHT ONLY, Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox”. The realization hit her as to the evening’s entertainment and she whipped her head around to him.

“Seriously?! You got tickets that last minute?! I’ve always wanted to see Postmodern Jukebox!” she squealed and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze.

In all the months he knew Y/N, Jensen had never seen such a rush of excitement come over her. He thought he had seen all of her expressions, but this was new and he found himself liking it, a lot.

“I did. I heard you talk about them enough, and saw there were a few tickets left so I grabbed ‘em.”

“You’re amazing, Jay, thank you,” she breathed, then leaned over and left a longing kiss on Jensen’s cheek.

His breath caught in his throat like it always did when she was that close. But Jensen was able to maintain his composure. “Come on, let’s go find a good spot.”

Once they were out of the truck, he went into the bed and retrieved the oversized plaid blanket he had there along with a big wicker basket.

“Well, well, maybe you ARE a Boy Scout after all,” Y/N said, surprised at all the effort he had put in for their date that had been planned with such short notice.

“Shall we?” he asked, tucking the blanket between his arm and the basket, and offering her his free hand.

Y/N smiled and took his hand, lacing their fingers together, excited for what the evening had in store. “Yes, please.”

After claiming a spot close to the stage, but not in the middle of the crowd, Jensen spread out the blanket and set the basket on top. He offered a hand to Y/N as she went to sit, then took his place beside her.

The park had been transformed into an intimate setting with the addition of twinkling white lights that were strung through the trees that lined the perimeter of the concert area. The evening air was a perfect temperature, and off in the distance, beyond the dreamy atmosphere of the fairy-like trees, the insects of twilight could be heard performing their own concerto.

“What’s in there?” she asked pointing at the basket, then lifting the lid to inhale the familiar, savory aroma. “What did you bring?!”

“Well,” Jensen said, a sly smirk on his face as he pulled the basket closer and opened it up a little. “Wine, cheese, grapes, some caviar--” he looked to Y/N and saw her eyes narrowed at him.

“I know the smell of a burger, Jay. Don’t give me that wine and cheese crap. What did you get?!” She sat up on her knees and tried to get a look in the basket, but he snapped it shut before she could. “Mean!” she sat back on her heels and pretended to pout.

“Close your eyes,” he instructed. Y/N continued to protrude her lower lip and look at up him with wide, sad eyes. “Come on, don’t ruin my fun. Close ‘em.”

Y/N played along and closed her eyes. A moment later she felt him place something in front of her and when he gave her the ok, she was able to see the lengths he really went to for their first date. Sitting on the blanket in front of her, was a six-pack of her favorite brew from his brewery and two styrofoam containers from The Salty Sow.

Jensen went back into the basket and retrieved utensils and napkins just as the opening band took the stage. The smooth soulful jazz was a nice backdrop to a dinner of their favorite burgers and the light, playful banter that flowed so easily between them. By the time that band had played through their set, Jensen and Y/N had cleared the debris from the food and were ready for PMJ to take the stage next.

There was a good size audience spread out across the meadow, and they all rose to their feet when Postmodern Jukebox began to play. They kicked off the first set with the more uptempo numbers, prompting a lot of the people that were up, to dance and move to the beat. Jensen took Y/N’s hand and tried to pull her close.

“Come dance with me, Trix.”

She laughed and shook her head. “I can’t dance, or did you forget?”

“Did I ever tell you that I have a bucket list?” he asked, ignoring her and refusing to let go of her hand.

“No,” she sighed, “do tell…”

“Well on that list, it very clearly says, ‘dance with Y/N’. Are you really going to deny me a chance to cross something off my bucket list?” he asked with a feigned offense. “Really?”

“The first night I met you, I told you I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld, remember? Why would you subject yourself to that?” she asked with a chuckle.

“Oh, I remember. I also remember jumping into the frigid ocean just to get your attention,” he said, and brought her hand to his chest and held it there. “I remember asking you to come work with me…” his picked up her wrist, and brought it up to his shoulder, and laid her hand behind his neck. “I remember how you rolled your eyes at me constantly…” Y/N rolled her eyes purposefully at him, causing a smug grin to unfurl on his lips. “Yup, just like that.”

Finally, he slipped his arms around snuggly around her waist and began to sway her slowly to the music before he continued. “I remember you finally agreeing to come work with me after I sang Joy to the World, and then spent the night.”

The song ended, and just as Y/N half-heartedly tried to break away from him, PMJ’s cover of “Stay With Me” started to play. Jensen brought her in even closer, leaving barely a breath of space between their bodies.

“Oh no, that was barely a dance… Besides, I didn’t tell you what I remember the most about that first night.”

“What?” she asked, the question nearly silent as it caught in her throat.

“What I remember most, is how beautiful you looked in the moonlight.”

Y/N felt her chest ache at his words, and she instinctively felt the need to play it off like what he said was no big deal. She rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Laying it on a little thick, huh Hollywood?”

“No,” he breathed. “Not gonna let you do that.” His face turned serious as he held her a little tighter. “I mean it, Y/N. I knew that night that somehow, someway, I would get to hold you like this.”

“Jensen…” she breathed, unsure of what should come next.

Words were failing her. There was no snappy comeback, no witty retort she could throw at him that would shift the mood of the moment. What surprised her more was that she didn’t really want it to. Y/N wanted to be real with him. The simple act of allowing herself to dance with him was her being pretty open already, but she knew she had to go further. She wanted to put the walls down and be as vulnerable as he was; she craved it. Past experiences and regrettable choices were the only things holding her back, and it was while she danced with Jensen that she came to understand that they didn’t matter anymore. Jensen knew her, understood where she came from and how she’d been hurt because he had been too. He saw that in her and still wanted to be there, holding her while they danced under a canopy of stars.

Y/N sighed softly, and when her eyes were able to meet his she found the confidence to say what she needed to. “You were the first person I told that story to… the one about my dad. No one knew about that; not even my brother.”

The little smile Jensen had been wearing fell and was replaced by something softer. “Really?”

“Mhm, I just never wanted to share that. That was my thing with him. But that night, I don’t know, it just felt right. I wanted to tell you about it. I knew you were someone special when you jumped in the water and sang the song with barely any hesitation. I knew then that he would have liked you.”

“You think so?” Jensen smiled proudly hearing that from her. “I didn’t hesitate because I knew you’d be worth it. Whatever it took, would have been worth it for you to say yes,” he said, his voice low and raspy.

“After everything, you still think that?”

Jensen nodded, “Absolutely. What makes you think otherwise? Because of yesterday?”

Y/N shrugged. “Maybe. And, New Year’s… I know we promised to move on but, Jay… I still feel terrible, and--.”

“Don’t. I’m glad it happened the way it did. My head wasn’t ready for it all yet. Neither was yours. But having that time between then and now, I know for sure that whatever this is, isn’t just a passing thing. But I get still being cautious. So, if that means moving slowly towards something, I am happy to take the scenic route.”

“You really mean that?” she asked.

Before he responded, Jensen took a moment, letting his eyes gaze over her face, taking note of every freckle, the little dimples that only appeared when she smiled a certain way and how her eyes softened when she did. It was rare for him to see her like this; free of the facade she put up to keep people at arm’s reach. This was Y/N, real, raw and stunningly beautiful in her vulnerability.

“Yeah, I really mean that. I’m in, Trix. I’m all in. Just promise you won’t shut me out; not about what you feel, not about your past, not about what you want for your future. And I promise you to do the same.”

“Wow… dinner, music, dancing and heartfelt promises… what’s next?”

“Aaand there she is,” he teased, the smiling growing on his lips was still there when he leaned in to kiss her.

Y/N kissed him back as they danced close, eventually resting her head his chest, and his cheek to the top of her head as the song came to a close.

The band took a short intermission, so Jensen and Y/N sat back down and he opened them each another beer. As they got comfortable stretching out on the blanket, she began to look around the park. He watched her closely, something he had become quite fond of doing, and could tell that her mind was plotting and planning for when this park was under their control later that year.

“Stop it,” he chuckled and drank from the bottle.

“Stop what?”

“Planning. Plotting. Whatever you’re doing. No work tonight.”

“I’m not!” she objected and took a sip of her own beer, then shrugged subtly and sighed. “Ok, maybe I was, a little. But, I can’t help myself. I’m excited. Seeing this place set up like this, I can really envision our stage up there when the time comes.”

“It is pretty exciting. Honestly, I can’t believe how close it's getting. I couldn’t have done it without you, you know.”

“I know,” she sighed, waiting a beat, then winked at him playfully.

“Since it came up… there is one thing we haven’t talked about.”

“What’s that?”

“Well… since I met you, I’ve seen you do burlesque, play piano and sing with Bri, jam with Robbie… but you have yet to sing with me even once.”

“We can sing together anytime, Jay,” she chuckled.

“No, I mean at the festival.”

“You wanna sing with me at Brewfest?” she breathed. “Really?”

“You bet your ass I do, I think we should do a few songs together. Besides that, I think you should get up there with a band and do your own stuff. I know you have songs ready and I also know that Louden Swain would be more than happy to learn them and back you up on stage.”

“I--I don’t know, Jay. I’m doing a number with The Corsettes at one of the theater locations downtown, and I would be thrilled to share a stage with you. I don’t know about my stuff though. It’s not…” she trailed off and shrugged. “It’s just not good enough.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“How would you know? You haven’t even heard it yet,” she laughed and waved him off.

“Because Robbie heard it. I trust Rob and he said its beyond good. Will you at least think about it?”

The stage came to life again as the band returned from the brief intermission. Just as the music picked up again, she turned to Jensen and nodded. “I promise to think about it.”

Jensen leaned over and left a soft kiss on her cheek. “That’s my girl,” he whispered before pulling away and leaning back on his hands; his long legs stretched out before him, giving his attention over to the stage.

Several songs later, Y/N found herself leaning back on her hands as well, her shoulder leaning against Jensen’s, just lazily enjoying the show. The music was heavenly and the air of the evening was deliciously warm with the slightest bit of a breeze. The opening notes of “Every Breath You Take” began, and it made her sit up a little straighter. The original being a favorite, this particular cover was quite beautiful. As the songstress’ voice filled the park, Y/N couldn’t help but look over at Jensen, who wasn’t watching the stage at all; his eyes were firmly fixed on her.

Jensen sat up. He gingerly took her legs and swung them his way so they were draped over his lap, and slid her across the blanket so she was as close as she could be. She giggled and locked in with his gaze. He left his hand to rest on her knee and leaned in to kiss her again. It was soft and gentle, and when she kissed him back, his hand began to move slightly up her thigh, brushing past the hem of her dress. Her hand was on his cheek, sliding to his jaw than to his collarbone and coming to on the back of his neck.

She tried to remember they were in a public place, but the feel of his lips against hers was too good right then to let go of. With this particular song as the backdrop, she felt herself getting lost in him. Jensen’s lips moved from her mouth but didn’t go far. He left a trail of delicate, lingering kisses along her jaw until he reached her neck. He kissed her there, softly yet wanting. The path of his lips stopped when he reached the collar of her dress, and that’s when he lifted his head and met her gaze.

Jensen caressed her cheek with his hand and smiled wistfully. “So, better than Rome would have been?”

“Way better,” she whispered and leaned into his touch, finding his lips again and continued kissing him sweetly.

It didn’t get heated, or greedy; it was tempered and loving. Just the two of them lost in each other and in the song. When it ended, they let the other go. Jensen put his arm around her and held her as close as he could until PMJ closed the show a short time later.

The drive back to the townhouse was quiet but in a comfortable, contented kind of way. The next day she would be off to Seattle, then to New Jersey. Jensen would be back in Vancouver by the time she returned, so it was their last bit of time together for who knew how long.

He parked the truck and went around to open her door for her.

“I gotta say, Hollywood, you are quite the gentleman. Your mama did a damn good job.”

“I’ll be sure to tell her you said that,” he said, and squeezed her hand.

They strolled up to the front door, neither wanting the night to end, but knowing that it had too. If she was lucky, she could get in four solid hours of sleep before leaving for the airport.

“I feel sixteen again,” Jensen chuckled, feeling a little nervous. “Afraid your dad is gonna start flashing the porch light at us. So, when are we in the same city again?”

Y/N sighed, and Jensen thought she seemed as suddenly anxious as he was. “I’m not sure. I hope soon.”

“Before San Diego would be good. Think we could work that out?”

“I will do some planning on the plane. We’ll make it work.”

“Well, since things are going to get hectic, do me a favor and clear the first weekend in August.”

“August? Why August?”

“Gen is throwing Jared a belated birthday, Luau style.”

“Oh, well now, that seems fun. Are you asking me to be your date?” she asked and raised her brow in question and flashed the impish smile he couldn’t get enough of.

“What do you think?”

“I think I need to find a grass skirt.”

“Oh God, please, yes. Do that.” Jensen bit his lower lip at the thought of it and she smacked him gently. “I guess this is goodnight, huh?”

Y/N’s smile faded and she reluctantly nodded. “Unless you wanna cancel the festival and run off somewhere...” she tried to tease, but there was the underlying disappointment and knowledge that of course, they couldn’t.

“Don’t tempt me, Trix.”

“Alright. Another time, then?”

“Absolutely,” he said, almost breathless at the thought.

They embraced under the light on the porch and held each other for a long minute. Jensen kissed her, and despite the warm night air, ripples of goosebumps cascaded down her arms. He could feel himself craving more of her. Jensen was the first to break away; he had too.

“I should go,” he sighed. “If I don’t…” Jensen just shook his head and ran his tongue out and over his bottom lip.

“I know… I should go, too. Get some sleep. Thank you for tonight. It was perfect.”

“It was pretty perfect, wasn’t it?” He took a step off the porch and started to slowly head for the driveway. He paused and turned around, continuing to walk back towards his truck. “Let me know when you land tomorrow, okay? And how that schedule pans out…”

Y/N nodded, and pulled the door key from her purse and called out to him, “Night, Hollywood.”

She knew she should go in, but she didn’t want to until she saw him in the truck. Knowing he wouldn’t leave until he saw her actually go inside, Y/N unlocked the door and did just that. She closed it behind her, set the deadbolt, then closed her eyes and leaned her back against it.

“Oh, girl... “ she whispered to the empty room. “You are so, incredibly fucked.”

Thirty minutes later, Y/N had retreated up to her room and changed into her pajamas. She’d gone through her nighttime rituals and slipped under the covers with a contented sigh. She grabbed her phone from the nightstand to check her alarm, and before she could navigate to the clock, the phone started to ring. The same mysterious number came up that had been calling on and off since Chicago. She pressed answer and brought it to her ear.

“Hello?”

Silence.

“Look, if you’re gonna keep calling, at least try to scam me or sell me something!” she groaned and waited another second. Ready to hang up, she stopped when she finally heard another voice.

“Stay the fuck away from Jensen. Alright? You’re outta your league here, lady. I saw you two tonight… the way you act around him, disgusting. No one should have had to see that! So why don’t you leave him the fuck alone and go back to that cesspool you came from!”

The other end went silent and the call ended. She immediately went to the call history and hit redial, refusing to let Dee--and she knew it was Dee--get in the last word. The call wouldn’t connect anytime she tried to dial, it would just beep three times fast, then end the call.

“Sorry, Dee,” Y/N muttered with a breath of anger, as she went back to the call log and blocked the number. “You’re too late, he’s already moved on.” She tossed the cell back to the bedside table and fumed before the image of Jensen floated back in her mind.

Her beacon of light. She replayed his words “...I’m all in...” and laid back down in the bed.

“Dee... Nathan... neither one of them are going to ruin this for us,” she whispered as she tried to close her eyes and drift off to sleep. “I won’t let them.”

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#Jensen Ackles x Reader #Jensen Ackles x Reader Insert #Jensen Ackles x y/n #Jensen Ackles x you #jensen ackles RPF #When You Least Expect It #long fic #sorry not sorry

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