#Jamie has trauma he needs to work through and Roy is going to help him

[oh-surprise-its-me]

I’m really drunkso I think that Jamie really likes soft things but never lets himself have them.

Like his dad threw out childhood stuffed animals when he was back in Jamie’s life. And Jamie was crushed so from that point on he literally never let himself have anything.

But once when he was with Roy and they had Phoebe over she passed out animals to them for story time. Jamie ended up with a bear in a rainbow tutu and a skull shirt.

Phoebe fell asleep and Jamie just kept holding the bear. Roy watched and when he tugged Jamie back to his room he still had the bear.

From about that day on Roy would notice when they were out at shops that Jamie wouldn’t really look at any of the stuffies. He couldn’t figure out why until they went to Georgie’s house and he saw that there weren’t really any around. He made some guesses and figured it out and Jamie begged him not to think he was stupid or childish.

Roy of course didn’t think that, he was mostly furious at Jamie’s dad and planning on how to get Jamie a good first stuffie- he took him to a place that sells jellycats and told Jamie to pick out three, one for Phoebe, one for himself and one for Roy.

[lunar-years]

Just thinking about how Keeley literally tells Ted that Jamie responds to positive reinforcement in Season 1, and then the show insists that the abuse from his father is what /really/ makes Jamie great. Like, no, Jamie is driven by the love from his mom, from Keeley’s support, and he even thanks Roy for motivating and encouraging him in the finale. Ted might not offer the best advice re: Jamie’s dad, but his belief in Jamie becoming a better team player and a better man in general is what has helped Jamie the most. The abuse didn’t make him better at all. It just made him suffer.

harddd agree. Jamie is who he is despite his father never because of him! :) I mean look, we are all shaped by and a product of our many and varied experiences, but at the end of the day the positive influences in Jamie's life have done immensely more for him and his success than any of the hardships and trauma he has faced.

It's complicated because I think there is a need/desire for some people who have been through something really difficult to "find a purpose" for why that happened in their life to them by leaning on a silver lining, in that they emerged stronger and more driven or more resilient from that experience. This is how they make sense of the senseless and find a way to move forward. Tbh, I think this is how Ted makes sense of his father's suicide. A terrible thing happened to him and his mom, but it's like he told Dr. Sharon, that's when he decided he was never going to meet someone and not acknowledge that they could be going through something. In his mind, he's emerged into the person he is, a better and kinder and more thoughtful person, because of that terrible thing. And I think that's totally a valid way to think about and frame your own life if that's what works for you!

Butttt i also think that's not really how Jamie thinks in regards to his experiences (until they randomly shoehorned it into his mindset in Mom City, that is) and I also think saying things like "sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives some fellas to become great at what they do" is a downright crazy (weird, bad, terrible) way to talk someone you've witnessed being abused by their dad! like. genuinely what was the reasoning there?!

[sortofanobsession]

Roy/Jaime: Time loop where either is S2 when Roy's refusing to coach Jaime or S3 Roy and Jaime get into an appalling fight and are snide to each other all day until it ends with Jaime dying, Roy passing out, and waking up to it being the same day. Everything repeats with Jaime dying in multiple, often ridiculous ways with Roy desperately trying to keep him alive. The loop only breaks once Roy is honest with himself and his feelings for the little prick who's stolen his heart.

A/N: Figured I'd get one more in before the finale. Hope you all enjoy it.

Ted Lasso Masterlist

Ao3 (slightly different, because of errors that were fixed differently at different times)

Word Count: 4k+

Paring: Roy x Jamie, really just them two in this. Mentions of others but they are really the only people in it. Except Ted. Ted does have dialog. Because he is Ted.

Content warnings: Death, grief, insanity, pain, suicide, mugging, stabbing, car accidents, head trauma, head injury, more death, suffering, angst, cheating, cussing/swearing/cursing, institutionalization, mental health, hospitals, crying, violence (Roy punches a wall)

Every day is the same until it isn't

Roy gets an odd feeling of deja vu as he sees Higgins in the window. It gets worse when the whole thing with Beard and his girlfriend happens again. Then the stuff with Welton’s mom happens again. And Roy can’t help but be on edge. When Jamie looks at him, asking if he had anything for him, it nearly sets him off. But he does what he did before and walks away. It’s not until Jamie is standing there repeating his insults back as faults that it fucking gets to him. He tells Jamie to quit fucking about and to fuck off. And Jamie does. He’s just about to leave when Keeley finds him. She’s been crying, and when he asks, she tells him Jamie was in an accident and didn’t make it. And it hits Roy like a fucking brick. He told the prick to fuck off, he did, and now he’s dead. And it fucking hurts. Because the prince of pricks Jamie had survived for so long. Jamie starts getting his shit together and asks Roy for help. Actually asks. Something the old Jamie would never have done. And he wonders what might have happened if he had done things differently. If he had fucking said yes. Roy ends up grabbing a bottle of whiskey, getting pissed and doesn’t remember the rest of the day.

He didn’t have as big a headache as he should have when he woke up. He looked at his phone and nearly through it at the wall. What the fuck was happening? Was this a cruel fucking joke? How was this possible? It should be Saturday. It should be fucking match day! Someone was taking the piss out of Roy, and he wasn’t having it. But his anger dimmed a bit when he made it to work, and it was like he was living the same day for a third time. And Surprisingly to even him, his anger left him the moment Jamie Tartt walked into the locker room. Roy didn’t know what the fuck was going on. He hoped everything that had happened the day before leading up to Jamie dying was a fucking nightmare and that this here wasn’t some sort of dream. And Roy usually wouldn’t consider himself a total fucking idiot, but this was all mental, so he did something stupid. He punched the wall. Everyone around him froze, and his fist hurt like hell. 

“Something wrong, Roy?” Ted asks. 

“This has to be a fucking joke,” Roy grumbles because it was that, or he was losing his mind.

“What is a joke?”

“That it’s fucking Friday again,” Roy says.

“Happens once a week,” Ted replies.

“Are you fucking with me?”

“Me? Why would I be-”

“Oi! You!” Roy shouts at Will. “Fucking day, is it?” 

“Friday,” Will says, then gives the date. Roy growls, and Will hurries back to work. 

Roy looks back, and both Ted and Beard are staring at him. Roy has to leave. He needs to go. So he does, only stopping to grab an ice pack for his knuckles on the way. He comes back part of the way during training. No one says anything to him, though he can tell Ted wants to. It isn’t until Jamie confronts him in the hall, like he has the past two days, and Roy nearly loses it, does he stop. He just stares at Jamie. The first time he remembers doing this, he had pissed Jamie off, Ted got involved, and he told Jamie to be a prick but only sometimes. The second time, he told Jamie to fuck off, and then Jamie died. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jamie asks. It’s a different question, but it’s the same Jamie.

“Fuck if I know,” Roy grunts. And that was not the answer Jamie had clearly been expecting because of those fucking groomed eyebrows of his furrow, and he studied Roy.

“What?” Jamie looks a little more genuine as he asks. “I’m fucking serious,” Jamie says. “The fuck is going on with you? You punch a wall outta nowhere, vanish, and show up fucking late. Now…“ Jamie just gestures to Roy as he is. “You fucking high?”

“Fuck-” Roy almost tells him to fuck off, and he freezes because he can’t do that. Not after what he went through before. Fucking hell. Roy flexes his fingers and winces at the pain in his knuckles. “Don’t fucking do anything stupid when you leave.” And Jamie is a bit stunned. 

“Why the fuck do you care?” Jamie says, clearly confused and getting defensive.

“Because you have a fucking match tomorrow, and you wanted my fucking opinion, then there you fucking go!” Roy snaps. 

“Fucking fine, granddad,” Jamie retorts. Jamie is shocked when Roy doesn’t yell at him.

The next morning is the same. So he says he’s sick and tries to see if doing fuck all will end whatever is happening. Turns out that just makes it worse because somehow Tartt ends up with a head injury during training, and hours later, Roy’s sister calls him to tell him before anyone else can. And Roy drinks until he blacks out, and it all starts over again. It goes like that with Jamie dying in a number of ways, and it breaks Roy’s sanity down bit by bit every time. How can one fucking prick matter so much to him? Why can’t he just move on? Why does it fucking feel like his heart has been torn out of his chest when he thinks about how he’ll never see the prince of all pricks ever again. So he tries to do something about it. Sometimes he tells people, and they either think he is joking or insane. Dr. Sharon even checks him into the hospital psych ward once. His sister does too. He didn’t repeat that action the next time. And every time Jamie dies. Jamie dies in an accident. Jamie dies in a mugging. That one had pissed Roy off, who mugs someone as famous as Jamie Tartt in broad fucking daylight. That had ended with Jamie bleeding out on the pavement, surrounded by stunned strangers. That one would leave a mark on Roy’s soul. He is pretty sure. But not nearly as much of a mark as the one where Jamie’s dad fucking came out of nowhere and beat Jamie so badly with no one around to save him. Yeah, that one would live in Roy’s nightmares for the rest of his life. A life that he couldn’t even end. And he tried. The only good thing about it was that no one else would have to suffer knowing he'd tried to end it all. Just Roy. Roy would always know, but nothing changes.

Roy couldn’t take it. He even tried to help Jamie. Not waiting for Jamie to come to find him. He actually goes to Jamie. And Jamie is shocked when Roy hugs him. Everyone around them is too, but they move on when Roy glares at them. It was just a fucking nightmare of the same day, no matter what. Waiting, just waiting for shit to go wrong. He always wakes up, and it’s fucking Friday again. And Roy’s soul felt broken at this point. He’d had a few good days. Where he didn’t really try to do anything out of the normal, but he didn’t push Jamie away. Where he let Jamie come to him and agreed to help, but those days actually hurt worse because he would get to know Jamie and be more like friends. And then Jamie would die, and it hurt even more. It had gotten to the point Roy’d seen Jamie die so many times that just seeing him every morning made him want to cry or, worse, fucking hug the prick. And it was weird for more than just them, but Roy didn't care anymore.

So when Roy wakes up to face the same day he had officially lost count of repeating, he is out of ideas. He isn’t sure what to do, but he knows one thing, Roy can't take seeing Jamie die again. He can't. So this time, he rushes to change after training and hurries to catch Jamie. Not waiting for Jamie to come to find him. He actually goes to Jamie. And Jamie is shocked when Roy hugs him. Everyone around them is too, but they move on when Roy glares at them. 

"You lose your marbles, old man?" Jamie asks but doesn't push him away. Jamie had never seen Roy look as terrible as he did during training. Roy kept watching Jamie. Watching his every move. And Roy was quieter than normal. Part of Jamie loved the attention. He’d have done almost anything to get Roy’s attention in the past. Usually did so by pissing him off. But this was unnerving. Because the way Roy looked at him wasn’t usual. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t even annoyed. No, Roy looked as lost and broken as Jamie often felt. Roy looked at Jamie like he was waiting for something. And that had tugged at something in Jamie’s chest he didn’t know was there. So instead of pushing away, Jamie actually hugs Roy tighter than he would in a normal end-of-match hug. When Roy doesn't say anything and just buried his face in Jamie's neck and lets out a shaky breath, Jamie really starts to get worried. 

"Roy, mate, what's going on?" He asks, his tone now filled with genuine concern. "Come on, Kent, talk to me."

"You're not ugly, or stupid, or a prick. You're nothing like that," Roy manages to say. 

"Thanks, I guess, but I meant more about this," Jamie says. “This can’t be about that.”

"If I told you,” Roy says, though it’s mumbled from where he’s pressed into Jamie. “You wouldn't believe me."

"Might not, but won't know if you don't say it," Jamie says. "Can't score if you don't shoot first."

"I've been living the same day over and over and over."

"Like that wedding movie with Andy Samberg in it," Jamie says. "Palm Spring."

"I have no idea what you are talking about. It's like that movie Groundhogs day," Roy says.

"What does that even mean?" Jamie looks confused. 

"I don't know, some American thing with an animal predicting the weather or something, not the point."

"Okay, so it's the same day, every day," Jamie says. 

"Yes," Roy nods. 

"Okay, what changes? And what doesn't?"

"You. Somehow are both. You are always there, but how it ends…" Roy doesn’t know why this is so hard to do. He’d told other people so many times now, but never Jamie. 

"Okay, what happens to me?" Jamie asks. 

Roy doesn't answer. He just grips Jamie tighter. He is still amazed Jamie hadn't pushed him away.

"Roy?" Jamie prompts him again. "What happens to me?"

"You…die. No matter what I do, I lose you. Can't save you."

"Whoa, that's heavy," Jamie says. He lets Roy pull him closer and just rests his head on Roy's shoulder. 

"Too fucking right," Roy says.

"How many times?"

"Too many. I stopped counting," Roy sighs. 

"Fucking hell, no wonder you needed a hug." 

"From you, had to be you," Roy insists.

"If I'm the one dying, makes sense."

"No, that's not-" Roy pulls back to grip his face. The only days that aren't terrible are the ones we get along. The ones where you're with me."

"You're my coach. I'm with you every day," Jamie points out. And Roy pulls back. He can sort of understand Jamie’s need to constantly be moving now. He feels like if he doesn’t keep moving, everything that is in him will bust. But Jamie doesn’t let him go far because he hasn’t actually let go of him. And Roy surprises himself by not minding. More than that, even he finds it comforting. Like the universe can’t take Jamie away from him if even Jamie won't let go. But Jamie had missed the point. So Roy says, "Not like that. I mean, where we actually are close. Like-"

"I know, Roy. I just hugged you for how long? I think I get your point," Jamie grins before gripping Roy's face. 

"Cheeky prick," Roy huffs but smiles. 

"Yet, you like me," Jamie states, studying Roy for a reaction.

And Roy just caves. Because he never gets to actually tell Jamie how much losing him hurts. So he does this time. "I do, fuck, I really do. I don't think I can lose you again. Don't think my heart can take it."

"Haven't died yet,” Jamie shrugs, “still early, though.” 

"Don't even joke,” Roy growls. “I'm so fucking tired."

And Jamie can tell he is. "Alright then," Jamie says, finally putting distance between them. Pointedly ignoring all the odd looks from the people around them, some of them his confused teammates, he takes Roy by the wrist and tugs him toward the car park. Jamie huffs a laugh as they reach the pavement outside.

"What?" Roy asks.

Jamie looks back at the player’s entrance. "Really was Richmond til I died. Again and again. And again."

"Not funny," Roy says. 

"Dark, but still a little bit funny," Jamie grins.

Roy growls. "Fucking isn't, Jamie."

"Fair enough, you the one livin' it, not me."

"I'm driving," Roy insists when they are near the cars.

"Fucked it on the road, did I?" Jamie asks.

"Not one I want to relive again," Roy grimaces. "Fucking brutal."

"Right, works for me," Jamie shrugs.

"You really are just going to go with this, like it isn't insane."

"Well, I know Roy fucking Kent isn't taking the piss with a hug like that. So yeah, Roy, and what's the worse that can happen if I play along? It makes you feel better? I get another cuddle from Roy Kent. No complaints here."

"You're serious?" Roy says.

"As serious as I was earlier.”

"Okay then," Roy seems to relax a bit. 

Roy was just about to get in his car when Jamie asks, "What’s the coolest way I died?" 

"What the fuck, Tartt?" Roy pulled back and stared at him.

"Come on, some of them had to be entertaining," Jamie says.

"Fuck no. I think the first time I actually saw it, I blacked out because how the fuck am I supposed to live in a world where you’re gone? Like I could live in a world where you genuinely hate me for the rest of my life, but not one where you're dead."

"You'd figure it out," Jamie says. 

"No, I don't think I would." He goes around to stand in front of Jamie by the passenger side door to really get his point across. He grips one of Jamie's shoulders. "I know I wouldn't. And not just because every fucking time it happens, my fucking day starts over, and I have to live through it all over again. It's because I can't do it anymore. I can't. I'm so fucking tired. Losing you every goddamn day is more exhausting than anything I have ever done. I don't want to lose you. You mean too fucking much to me and-"

"Will you fucking quit it? You're breaking me heart," Jamie grips Roy's face. "Say the nicest things. Didn't know you cared that much."

"I fucking do, and it hurts," Roy says, leaning into Jamie's touch.

Jamie smirks. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?" He's only half joking because Roy fucking Kent is telling him he can't live without him. And it's like one of those movies Ted loves so much. And Jamie can't help it. He doesn't like seeing Roy suffer. Doesn't like seeing him so torn up. 

"Fucking hell," Roy grunts. "Please do."

So Jamie does. He kisses Roy like Jamie's teenage self had always fantasized about when he was alone at night. Like he has wanted to, even when Roy hated his guts. The urge had never left Jamie. He just never thought Roy could feel anything like that for him. That Roy would want him, not after everything Jamie had done. But now Roy is holding on to him like he is his only lifeline. And from the sound of it, he might be. Fuck, this really was insane. Roy leans his forehead against Jamie's when they break for air. It's as if he really is terrified of letting Jamie go even the slightest. "I'm scared that when I close my eyes, I'm going to wake up, and it will all start over."

"Then you can just tell me again, and we can keep doing things differently until we sort it out. Two heads and all that, yeah?"

"I think I fucking love you," Roy breathes. And Jamie lights up like they just won the fucking World Cup for the national league, and it does things to Roy. It really does. 

"Might fucking love you too, though it seems like you've had a lot more time to sort that out for it to be an 'I think'."

"You watch the love of your fucking life die over and over and-"

Jamie kisses him again and again. Until he is sure that Roy's knee probably hurts like hell from not moving. "You ever try keeping someone with you to see if the next morning actually happens?"

"No one meaningful because they weren't you."

"Oh yeah? Should I be jealous?" Jamie grins.

"Fuck. Off." He says, punctuating each word with a kiss.

"Mixed signals there, Coach. Might need to clear that up."

"Get in the fucking car," Roy growls.

"Sure thing, coach."

“Not even, Keeley?” Jamie asks once they are both in the g-wagon.

“Honestly, Keeley was usually too torn up over you dying to deal with my shit,” Roy admits.

“Did she cry?” Jamie asks, now very curious about how everyone reacted to his death. 

“Fucking hell, Jamie,” Roy shakes his head as they get on the road. “I don’t know why I’m surprised you’re asking. This is you, after all.”

“Rude to say to the love of your life,” Jamie smirks. “But yeah, I’m dying to know.”

“Still not funny,” Roy growls.

“Sure, love, sure,” Jamie laughs. 

“Fucking nightmare,” Roy grumbles, but he can’t help but smile because he shouldn’t be as happy as he is with Jamie using a simple pet name. A common one, but it still makes Roy feel lighter, happier. 

“You didn’t answer,” Jamie says.

“Fucking-,” Roy huffs. “She cried, Dani cried, Ted cried, Colin, most of the team either cried or got pissed.”

“And you?” Jamie asks, the joking jovial tone now gone as he keeps glancing over at Roy. 

“Which time?” Roy asks, glancing at Jamie before going back to watching the road. 

“Any of ‘em, all of ‘em,” Jamie shrugs. 

Roy grunts, and it's quiet for a moment. Quieter than Jamie usually can handle so, he starts to fiddle with the cuff on his sleeve. He stops when Roy reaches over and squeezes his hand, grounding them both with the gesture. 

“First few times, I wasn’t there. Keeley would tell me, or I’d get a call from my sister while working A&E. They’d tell me, and I fucking drank until I blacked out, and then it would start over.  Stayed in bed for a few days. That really freaked Keeley and Ted out. But even doing nothing, you still didn’t live. Then I tried to stop it, save you, and that, fuck, that was awful. Every fucking time. A few times…” Roy gets quiet. Did he really want to tell Jamie that a few times he just tried to end everything? The time loop. Himself. Everything.

“A few times what, Roy?” Jamie asks.

“A few times, the days were real short because I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Oh,” Jamie says, but it takes a moment for the true meaning to hit him. “Oooooh.” Jamie tightens his grip on Roy’s hand. “Fuck, that’s- Roy I-”

“Don’t fucking apologize,” Roy says, squeezing back. “Because as fucking awful as it was, there was the unbelievably reassuring feeling that I’d wake up and you’d be back. You’d walk into that fucking locker room just like any day, and it’s like I’d remember how to breathe again.”

“That’s painfully sweet,” Jamie admits. “Fucking mental and depressing, but sweet.”

Roy agrees. The rest of the drive to Roy’s is quiet as Jamie thinks over everything he’d learned since training ended. Roy tries to figure out how to make this time different, how he can try and keep Jamie with him because at least then they’ll be together no matter how it ends. 

Jamie can't believe how easily Roy just adjusted to having Jamie around in his personal space. He lets Jamie talk. He lets Jamie look around his home and ask questions. And Roy answers. Roy makes them both tea, then dinner. Then they just spend the night watching TV. Jamie asks stupid questions sometimes about different versions of the day. Roy tells him some of the better ones. The ones where Jamie got weirded out because Roy predicted every little thing someone would say. Including exact scores of different games and such. Jamie didn't bat an eye at any of the details, excited to hear it despite how insane it all sounded. Roy waves off the calls and texts from his confused and concerned friends and colleagues. Keeley offers to swing by, but when Roy says Jamie is there, she is stunned and silent. He assures her they are both fine and getting along. So she lets it be. And Roy is surprised that Jamie had indeed meant what he said before. That he planned on staying with Roy partially because he wanted to see what happened but mostly because he didn't want Roy to be alone. Didn't want him to suffer alone. And Roy had kissed him like it was only natural to want to. In a way that made Jamie feel like nothing else mattered. That Jamie could die in that moment, and it would be a pleasure. But he didn't. And despite both being absolutely knackered and Jamie knowing he was supposed to be resting up for a match, they both didn't want to actually sleep. But Roy had dragged a half-asleep Jamie into his bed.

"Don't want ta," Jamie says, fighting a yawn as Roy nudges Jamie here and there until he lays down. 

"I know, but you're going to," Roy insists. His voice was quiet, almost like he would use when tucking Phoebe in. And it was a lot like that now, Roy thinks. Not because Jamie was a child or because he needed to be looked after. No, but it was someone Roy cared for. Someone Roy wanted to look after. Someone Roy loved. 

“I know, but-” Jamie starts, but Roy stops him.

“Believe me, I know,” Roy says as he gets in his bed beside Jamie. “I’m scared shitless that I’m going to wake up and have to do it all over again, but for once, I think I could actually handle it.”

“Yeah?” Jamie yawns, which makes Roy yawn, which makes Jamie grin. 

“Yeah, because you were right earlier. That I’d just tell you again, and we’d keep trying to figure it out until we do.” 

“Together,” Jamie says as he snuggles in closer to Roy.

“Exactly,” Roy smiles and pulls Jamie in tight until Jamie’s head is tucked into his shoulder. Jamie was out like a light in no time. Roy watched Jamie sleep and held him close, truly hoping that this nightmare would be over and they might actually get to move on with their lives. Hopeful because Jamie was alive. And that was all Roy really needed. Sure, he liked the idea of spending more nights like this. But if by some chance Saturday morning actually comes. And in that morning, Jamie realizes how insane the past day was and wants nothing to do with Roy. Well, Roy could live with that because Jamie would still be alive. And Roy had meant it when he said he just couldn’t live in a world without Jamie Tartt in it. Not anymore. But fuck does he want to keep falling asleep with Jamie in his bed. In his arms. And that would have sounded insane to him not long ago, but he wasn’t about to deny it now. Roy was lost on Jamie Tartt. And he’d spend the rest of his life proving it to Jamie if he’d let him.  On that thought, Roy manages to drift off and actually sleep. No blacking out drunk. No passing away. Just sleep.  

Roy genuinely cries when he wakes up the next morning, and Jamie is still there. Jamie’s arm across Roy’s torso and his grown-out hair a mess from sleep. It really is the next morning. He can’t believe it’s Saturday. Jamie wakes up confused and worried because he has only ever seen Roy fucking Kent cry once, but before Jamie can even think about asking, Roy kisses him. And fuck, neither of them has brushed their teeth, but you couldn't pay Jamie to actually care. He doesn't care because Roy Kent is warm and kissing him as if he needs him more than air. Jamie hasn’t ever had this level of happiness first thing in the morning, or ever really. Jamie ends up pinned to the mattress and has absolutely no complaints as Roy takes him apart. It's not until Roy has heard his name a few times in the most wanton and indecent of ways possible that Jamie gets a good look at Roy's face. And it's fucking hot. Love drunk and fucking happy. 

"I take it this is not how your usual morning starts," Jamie says when he can finally form coherent sentences.

"Fuck no," Roy smiles, and Jamie's chest warms at the sight because Roy is looking at him like he is his whole world. "But it's not a bad idea." 

"Yeah?"

"Unless you don't agree?"

"Would be fucking mental to turn down the offer of waking up every morning to Roy fucking Kent. You think I kept your poster in my room for laughs?"

"Fucking hell," Roy grunts.

“You know what this means, right?” 

“That you have a fucking match today?” Roy asks. 

“That too,” Jamie admits. “One of us is going to have to tell Keeley.”

Roy grunts. 

“I might be a selfish prick,” Jamie says. “But I’m not letting you cheat on her.”

“Kind of late for that,” Roy groans. He didn’t actually want to hurt Keeley. He cared about her. She made him happy, but he genuinely could not live without Jamie. Not if Jamie is offering to stay. 

“You know what I mean,” Jamie shoves at Roy’s shoulder. “It’s not fair to her. She deserves better.”

“You just don’t want her to hate you,” Roy begrudgingly moves to get up because they are already running later than Roy usually likes for a match day. And he can’t let his shit be the reason Jamie isn’t prepared to face the Hotspurs. 

“Well, yeah,” Jamie admits. “But I don’t want to be the reason she hurts again.”

Roy knows Jamie is being serious. He knows Jamie hated how he’d hurt Keeley in the past. It had infuriated Roy too. So he gets it. Neither of them wanted to hurt Keeley, but they couldn’t exactly feel bad about finally being honest with themselves. “I’ll tell her,” Roy says.

“Yeah?” Jamie looks up at him from where he is half propped up on his elbow. How the fuck could Roy possibly say no to Jamie fucking Tartt, thoroughly fucked, and looking up at him through his lashes. 

“Yes, but get your arse moving. I’d rather cut my fucking foot off than have to explain why we’re both fucking late for a match.”

“Yes, coach,” Jamie laughs as he gets up. “Save a bit of time not showering alone.” Jamie winks. 

Roy growls. He ends up letting Jamie cajole him into the shower with him. Jamie, being Jamie, the shower takes long enough that Roy ends up rushing everything, and they barely make it on time, but they do.  

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x6 thoughts

I felt like the physical embodiment of a series of iconic reaction GIFs while watching this episode. I felt like Higgins gagging on air and right and wrong choices. As an invested, non-casual Ted Lasso viewer, I feel quite absorbed in the experience of every episode, but I’m not usually a LOUD non-casual Ted Lasso viewer. At one point last night, I shouted “This is the wackiest show ever made!” at @bristler, and that doesn’t even sound like something I would say. And by “wacky” I just meant “all the emotions are happening at once.”

This episode was absolutely great and I knew that every single Rebecca Welton feeling I have would intensify because of this episode and that is exactly what happened.

This is me bravely writing down my episode thoughts after only one viewing (just like last week) and a bad night of sleep! Copious spoilers and emotions ahead...

This show goes all in on hats! A lot of bad hats for giving bad relationship advice and making bad decisions! Feel like you’re gonna do something correctly? Just put on a bad hat, that’ll snap you right out of it. Just had a revelation that you are almost certainly in an abusive relationship? Your girlfriend is hiding in the parking lot with a terrible hat for you! (I love this show.)

Dark forest dark forest dark forest dark forest.

I truly, truly, truly do not mean this to sound judgmental of any other fan, but it’s taking everything in my power not to just type “dark forest” in the comments of every person who is outraged that LDN152 is not Ted.

Gonna get my initial thoughts on the Sam=LDN152 reveal out of the way. I honestly like this choice.

First, I like this choice because of who LDN152 isn’t. I think about how awful it would be if she’d matched with Rupert and realized she’d been manipulated by him and charmed by him all over again, and how, when she gets the same reveal the audience already has, she would end up retraumatized by having been charmed and taken in by Rupert all over again. I think about her matching with Nate (if he’d redownloaded the app) and the inadequacy of her assertiveness advice and how Nate is one of the only non-Rupert characters who’s used sexist language against her and how Nate’s insecurities would be like water trying to co-exist with the oil of Rebecca’s insecurities. Nate and Rebecca are fond of each other and seem to want to be in each other’s lives, but a romantic squishing together via dating app would set them both back lightyears. I think about her matching with Ted, a man currently on a parallel-to-Rebecca trek through a very painfully dark forest, a man swinging wildly between performative attempted wit and utter panic. A man she trusts with her professional and personal challenges. [Her challenging mother comes to town and Keeley and Ted are the people she wants with her at lunch.] Ted and Rebecca, with all their current limitations, and with all the ways the forest obscures the view, are trying to be there for each other in their real, non-romantic comedy versions of their lives, and the discomfort of matching on an app seems like the kind of thing that would make them rear back from each other instead of bringing them even closer together. It is not time. It is so profoundly not time that I would have been furious if the writers had continued the “maybe it’s Ted?” line of thought for another second longer than they did.

Second, I like this choice because of who Sam is. I know. He’s not an appropriate match for her. The power dynamics are all messed up and their ages are all wrong. But this does introduce a potentially interesting parallel between Rupert and his younger women and the scrutiny Rebecca would risk herself and Sam experiencing if she goes for it. Rebecca seems to have tried to put away her Rupert-related trauma, but the specter of Rupert is lurking, and I do see that being a good person making an ethically complicated decision with another good person is very different from being an abuser setting out to take advantage of multiple people...but there are parallels she might have to reckon with. Also, Sam is a kind person with a strong ethical center and a well-documented interest in Rebecca. He and Ted helped each other feel more at home in London during a time of deeply missing other homes, and Sam has internalized a lot of Ted’s ways of living in a way that might genuinely appeal to Rebecca even if she doesn’t fully realize why. The writers on this show don’t write messes for the sake of drama. They write messes because life is painful and complicated and also very funny. I’d be shocked if, however this Bantr thing plays out, it isn’t painful and complicated and also funny.

(I am already a little worried that whatever happens next is going to activate some very ironic fan reactions given this is a show whose thesis statement is about withholding judgment. This fear is based not on Ted Lasso-specific knowledge but on unfortunate patterns of fandom, but...you can fear the impact of racist, sexist, and ageist tropes on two beloved characters without embodying those tropes as a viewer. You can watch characters make decisions that could subject them to harmful scrutiny without performing that harm yourself.)

Ted Lasso is a fictional character who tweeted about the joy of eating out (you know...at the Crown and Anchor) the day before 2x6 launched and during 2x6 Rebecca invited him to eat out at the Crown and Anchor. (I love this show.) I am so, so, so fond of all the little lunch-y things in this episode. Ted can’t bring Henry his lunch because he’s “at work” aka living in London. Ted and Beard surprise each other with secret sandwiches on Fridays. Rebecca is overwhelmed by her mother’s visit (her mother’s performance of a harmful pattern) and wants Keeley and Ted there. The scene at the Crown and Anchor, as painful as all the divorce/separation feelings were, was also so homey and lovely in terms of these characters being friends, being at home in a place despite the very not-at-home feelings emanating from Deborah. The Bake-Off viewing! Ted being the designated driver (probably a good thing on this particular day)! Rebecca feeling discomfort but not shutting down! Also cute British pub feelings. Evidence that Rebecca has talked to her mom about Ted! About personal things about Ted!

Naaaaaaate. His bursts of confidence and insight. The pain and insecurity and anger almost literally bubbling under the surface.

I cannot say enough good things about Higgins. He’s grown so much, and his decision to be honest with Beard regarding his concerns about Jane was absolutely impeccably done. Many, many trusted people in Higgins’ life told him not to do it. They are all good people, and they were all wrong. Sometimes one human being’s honesty makes the difference for someone who is struggling, and that’s exactly what happened here. Beard truly heard Higgins. And of course he didn’t immediately break things off with Jane. But he heard Higgins, and when Jane showed up Beard’s face looked different than it ever has, and Higgins words are with him as he walks off into the night with Jane and that might save him. And Rebecca witnessed it.

And I’m so glad she witnessed Higgins’ choice in the midst of this very difficult experience of a) trying to find Ted because she knows he’s in pain and being unable to and b) watching her mother repeat a pattern that Rebecca herself was able to break. It taught me so much about Rebecca. The way she was punished (and described the experience using the language of punishment) for having an honest reaction to her mother’s decision to leave her father the first time. The way she was taught that love is conditional, that love and reconciliation are things you can purchase with gifts. The way her mother uses the language of self-help without internalizing what it would take to heal, and probably has little use for actual therapy. The way her mother drinks alcohol as a way to feel free.

I don’t even know how to think, much less write, about everything with Roy’s coaching and his image and how Ted feels about it and all the fatherhood things Jamie brings up and all the fatherhood things Ted is missing w/r/t Nate and everyone except for Rebecca taking at face value (or willfully deciding to take at face value) the idea that Ted’s panic attack is actually just him needing to go barf up a fish pie. Ted hugging his backpack in Sharon’s office. Rebecca trying to find him, and Sharon being the one who does. The words “I wanna make an appointment” being the words that conclude the episode at the exact midpoint of the planned-for show. Halfway through the middle season. The moment Ted realizes he’s never going to be okay if he doesn’t give therapy a try.

I also can’t say enough good things about the moment with the team and Sharon, the way she agrees to one drink, the way it’s clear that she adores them all. Sharon is exacting and professional without being cold and calculating, and everything she does in this episode is such a gorgeous model of assertiveness, patience, and moderation...three things Ted struggles with the most.

What a dark forest. What an excellent group of humans.

[clumsycapitolunicorn]

This isn’t going to be coherent or beautifully written, but I’m losing it, thinking over how Ted and Rebecca’s connection and everything that comes from it is such a big part of the show and that leads the show. This is going to be a long post.

Rebecca had no idea that when she hired Ted as part of her plan to hurt Rupert like he hurt her, that she’d be hiring someone who would be a huge part of AFC Richmond and her life. 

She didn’t expect this man to be such a polite sweetheart who would check in with her, a stranger, asking her how she was doing after her divorce with Rupert when he found that out. Something no one had done since her divorce. She had no one at the time around her. Making what Rupert said to her about being alone without him seem true. That made her revenge seem easy at first. It was the only thing she had. She wanted to go on with her plans but Ted Lasso with his wanting to get to know her, trying to hop over her fences (as he saw someone who was lonely and in need of his help) and his delicious biscuits that made her feel happy, like home, that he kept on bringing to her EVERYDAY and that she found out he MADE (and she was trying to find out where he got them from so she could eat them but not get them from him so she wouldn’t feel bad) slowly won her over. 

Ted’s kindness made her take a chance to be vulnerable in 1x04 outside of the gala. She opened up, he wanted to take away all of the pain she was feeling and comforted her, wrapping her in a hug. You have to think how long it has been since Rebecca has had any positive comforting touch...Ted made her feel better, along with letting her know he sees Rupert for who he is and she isn’t alone.

A couple episodes later, she is there for Ted when he is having a panic attack. She went looking for him!!! She was gentle with him and there were so many touches (IF YOU THINK I AM OVER THE FACE TOUCH I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE OVER IT) and it brought him back. He left the bar because he didn’t want anyone to see him like that and yet Rebecca went looking for him (and in S2 we actually see her looking for him again when she knows he is having another and is the ONLY ONE TO SEE IT AND IT CAUSED HER PANIC TOO. THEN SHE LEFT HIM THAT SOFT VOICEMAIL) and made sure he wasn’t alone.

Ted was grateful for this and made himself her metaphorical St Bernard, there to help her when she needed it, the next episode. And kept his word. He showed Rupert up that same ep (and threatened him lowkey) as well as doing his “HI BOSS” gesture. These two kept showing up for each other after that. Rebecca at Christmas, saving Ted from his loneliness (and chose him over an Elton John party and a puppet show by Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz) and Ted showing up when she needed it at her father’s funeral (NOT LONG AFTER A PANIC ATTACK AND UNPACKING ALL HIS TRAUMA WITH DR SHARON) when she was about to and struggling to make a speech about him, which led to her rick-roll that Ted helped her finish off when she couldn’t. 

Also, their connection with each other leads to big changes and connections with the rest of AFC Richmond. 

Rebecca invites Ted to work at Richmond. Ted changes the atmosphere in the locker room, which changes the team dynamic and has them all caring about and looking out for each other. 

Ted got through to Jamie and that made him more of a team player and he also helped the relationship between him and Roy become what is now (what a miracle that is): 

Also, Ted trying to get through to Roy not only gives them both a nice relationship but in trying to help Roy, it leads to more interactions between him and Keeley (and Rebecca giving her a job let her be around AFC Richmond more) which lead to them two in a relationship.

Speaking of Keeley, she was sort of the first person to really be kind to Ted when he arrived and that started out a friendship between those two, which Rebecca wanted to use to cause trouble first, but then with Keeley finding out about pap pics of her and Ted out of context being posted, Ted offers to help and they go to Rebecca unaware she is behind it all and she stops it.

 Keeley ends up opening up to Rebecca and we get their friendship basically starting in the gala ep with Keeley helping her out on the red carpet and Rebecca telling her about Jamie (which leads to Keeley breaking it off with him so things can start with her and Roy) and we get the pair of them at the end on a rickshaw together. And their scenes and friendship just continued to be iconic from then on. Plus they’re Rebecca’s personal cheerleaders and that’s cute. 

Plus because of Ted and Rebecca’s connection, Higgins gets on with Ted when he is helping Rebecca scheme with him and he ends up becoming a part of The Diamond Dogs with Ted, Beard, Nathan (oh Nathan why) and Roy. Eventually, when Rebecca is back on track, she sorts things out with Higgins and those two end up becoming friends like they should’ve been when she was married to Rupert. 

And we also end with him making an adorable trio with her and Keeley. 

When it’s not just the other trio that is Ted, Rebecca and Keeley, we get the whole awesome group with Higgins involved. I love this group of four. 

Ted and Rebecca’s connection lead to all these changes and relationships that we all love and I just think that’s beautiful. 

I ALSO NEED TO YELL ABOUT THEIR NAME MEANINGS. I LOST IT WHEN I FOUND OUT THEIR NAME MEANINGS WHEN I NEEDED TO FIND THEM OUT.

Ted: “Gift of God”

Rebecca: “To Tie or Bind.” In 1x07, Sassy toasts to Rebecca with “To the ties that bind us.” 

YOU HAVE TED MEANING GIFT OF GOD BEING CALLED A GODSEND AND REBECCA WHOSE NAME MEANS TO TIE OR BIND BRINGING TED TO RICHMOND FOR REVENGE REASONS, ONLY TO CHANGE EVERYONE’S, LIVES, INCLUDING HERS AND HIS OWN (which he mentions when she apologises to him and he forgives her just like that.)

AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, THESE TWO WENT THROUGH TRAUMATIC MOMENTS IN THEIR LIVES INVOLVING THEIR FATHER’S ON THE SAME DAY AT THE SAME TIME. 13TH SEPTEMBER 1991. 

THEY’RE SOULMATES. THEY’RE SOULMATES WHO DIDN’T JUST CHANGE EACH OTHERS LIVES BUT THE LIVES OF EVERYONE AROUND THEM JUST BY CONNECTING WITH EACH OTHER. 

IT’S THE SOULMATES OF IT ALL.

[20thcentutygeek]

How 'Ted Lasso' helped me take a look at myself

Heads up there are a few spoilers for Ted Lasso season two in this blog.

The TV show Ted Lasso is an oddity. The concept isn’t something I should be interested in, and on paper it shouldn’t work. I’m not a fan of football in the slightest, and it being based on a series of comedy commercials, history tells us it should have become a series of shallow jokes about a fish out of water. It should have failed with the first season. However, it has become a phenomenon, and rightfully so. In a world divided, confused, and scared for the future comes a show that is willing to wear its heart on its sleeve and be a positive force.

That’s not to say it’s devoid of conflict or that its saccharine in its chirpy happiness. What makes Ted Lasso special is its honesty. Often when that term is used for a TV show, it’s a hard hitting drama about the worst life has to offer. While I appreciate those shows are important, showing a glimpse of how some people are forced to live, I do believe the incessant grimness has been a contributing factor in the global emotional and psychological decline. Oddly contributing to further despair, without providing suggestions for a solution.

I will acknowledge that Ted Lasso is about a football club and people that earn millions of pounds. However, it doesn’t dwell on rich people problems, or diminish the people that aren’t in the same tax bracket. The football and the money are barely a consideration or a factor in the show. Yes, they inform elements and the framing but at its heart its about people from very different backgrounds working together to raise each other up, and every week it raises me up to.

The show has covered a number of topics and themes, and I think there are great articles to be written about the portrayal of women in business, the complexity of relationships, grieving and creating a positive working environment. What I want to focus on is how it has broken down and helped me address my own toxic masculinity.

As I reach 40, I have taken a look back at my life and, like everyone else, there are things I know I could have done better at or dealt with differently. One of those things is my own relationship with my emotions and mental health. I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s and my fictional role models were action stars and superheroes who dealt in actions rather words. Greif was an opportunity for revenge and lashing out. If a wrong was identified in the world it was an opportunity to blow stuff up. There was no room for emotions. John Rambo starts by exploring his PTSD and trauma to then being dropped back into war for entertainment. Not great therapy, and the way to work through those pesky trauma nightmares was to kill more baddies.

In the 90s, during my teen years, I was swamped by Lad Culture. Get drunk and be loud, with a side of obnoxious. It was an extension of the 80s yuppie culture, work hard, play harder. I was pretty good at that. Over the years I became more worldly, and I like to think more balanced. I have had some hard lessons about how to manage and work with people. I have tried to be better and be a positive influence on people I know and work with.

I grew up with prejudices that I have addressed, and I’m embarrassed I ever held them, but somethings are harder to work on than others. My understanding and acceptance of the wider world, and the wonderful array of people that live In it, has always been tempered by how I have perceived myself and what I feel.

I have trouble with my weight and will often work ridiculous hours to get work done. I take on too much and when I get frustrated, I let it build up into anger. Then when things don’t work out, or I have too many plates spinning I get annoyed at myself for not being able to keep everything moving. This then results in the behaviour that contributes to my weight issues. It becomes a cycle. I know this, and have done for years, but to admit it, to let others know that I know this, would be the biggest failure. To admit that I can’t do any more, or that I have hit my limit when I know that others are under pressure as well is, as far as I have seen it, a sign of weakness, and so I carry on. Not wanting people to think less of me. I’m a man and I should be able to shoulder this burden. Just grab another snickers and knuckle down harder. During the pandemic this behaviour has been worse than ever.

But that may all be in the past.

Ted Lasso season two has made me stop and take a step back. Football clubs are often portrayed as hives of competition and alpha males. Ted Lasso has taken a different tact and shown how this team supports each other. In this season three elements have made me take stock.

Jamie Tart dealing with the pressure to succeed from his Father and supporters has been fascinating to watch. The internalisation of the fear of failure and the constant push for you to the be the sole winner of a team game struck home. The moment he punched out his Dad was stunning. A full stop moment. Yes, it was frustration spilling out, but it was not for him, it was for him as part of the team. A moment to say, ‘no more’ and I am part of this team, and they are there for me. The fact the punch was followed by a hug from Roy Kent was perfect. We often work as a team, in life and in work. within in that team we have responsibilities, but we are not responsible for the whole team. Be good at what you are good at and help the others to do the same and positive results are a lot more likely.

Let’s talk about Roy Kent. He should be the worst offender, but they have under-cut this perfectly and created a new modern role model. The curmudgeonly Roy has a life and reputation built on aggression and machismo. However, his arc has led him to become a great example of the ability and need to adapt and try new things, especially as we move from one stage of life to the next. His desire to change, adapt and learn for the people he loves is an inspiration. They are the people we need to be better for the most. I now stop an ask WWRFD: What Would Roy Fucking Do?

The most important is Ted and his anxiety attacks. His relationship with Dr Fieldstone has also made me question some of my own habits and what may have caused them. I’m not going to delve into my life story here (you can wait for the book J), but Ted discussing how the suicide of his father has shaped his approach to life and the emotional impact this has had, when he is forced to have to give up on things, stopped me in my tracks. The question I asked was, who am I trying to impress? What am I getting from the hours given up and why am I doing this? The waking up at 4am with anxiety isn’t a sign I care about my work, it’s a sign my work is damaging me. This isn’t something that I am going to address overnight, but these questions have started a chain reaction that has allowed me to stop and say, ‘Yes, I am struggling, and I need to take a breath’. What comes next I still need to figure out, but I know that I do need to figure it out.

Everyone behind Ted Lasso should be proud. Not only are they creating a funny show with heart, but they are also creating role models that show young (and some not so young) men, that being a man isn’t about being stoic, bearing the burden and keeping going. It’s not macho to just keep going and wash down the negativity. Being a man is about being a part of the world, being who you are, but knowing that we can all be better and being willing to explore ways of achieving that. It doesn’t mean the world and life will be easier, but it does mean that we don’t have to do it alone.

I’m heading into middle age, and I am scared of it. I am scared I won’t be able to keep up. I am scared that things are getting on top of me. I am scared that I won’t be relevant anymore. Ted Lasso came at the right time and has helped put some things in perspective for me. It’s fine to be sacred of these things, the world can be fucking scary, but its not helpful to keep those fears to myself. WWRFD? he’d begrudgingly talk to Keely, and they would work it out together, whether it’s easy or hard.

I’m about to be 40 and its time to make some changes.