#Jamie has trauma he needs to work through and Roy is going to help him

[oh-surprise-its-me]

I’m really drunkso I think that Jamie really likes soft things but never lets himself have them.

Like his dad threw out childhood stuffed animals when he was back in Jamie’s life. And Jamie was crushed so from that point on he literally never let himself have anything.

But once when he was with Roy and they had Phoebe over she passed out animals to them for story time. Jamie ended up with a bear in a rainbow tutu and a skull shirt.

Phoebe fell asleep and Jamie just kept holding the bear. Roy watched and when he tugged Jamie back to his room he still had the bear.

From about that day on Roy would notice when they were out at shops that Jamie wouldn’t really look at any of the stuffies. He couldn’t figure out why until they went to Georgie’s house and he saw that there weren’t really any around. He made some guesses and figured it out and Jamie begged him not to think he was stupid or childish.

Roy of course didn’t think that, he was mostly furious at Jamie’s dad and planning on how to get Jamie a good first stuffie- he took him to a place that sells jellycats and told Jamie to pick out three, one for Phoebe, one for himself and one for Roy.

[lunar-years]

Just thinking about how Keeley literally tells Ted that Jamie responds to positive reinforcement in Season 1, and then the show insists that the abuse from his father is what /really/ makes Jamie great. Like, no, Jamie is driven by the love from his mom, from Keeley’s support, and he even thanks Roy for motivating and encouraging him in the finale. Ted might not offer the best advice re: Jamie’s dad, but his belief in Jamie becoming a better team player and a better man in general is what has helped Jamie the most. The abuse didn’t make him better at all. It just made him suffer.

harddd agree. Jamie is who he is despite his father never because of him! :) I mean look, we are all shaped by and a product of our many and varied experiences, but at the end of the day the positive influences in Jamie's life have done immensely more for him and his success than any of the hardships and trauma he has faced.

It's complicated because I think there is a need/desire for some people who have been through something really difficult to "find a purpose" for why that happened in their life to them by leaning on a silver lining, in that they emerged stronger and more driven or more resilient from that experience. This is how they make sense of the senseless and find a way to move forward. Tbh, I think this is how Ted makes sense of his father's suicide. A terrible thing happened to him and his mom, but it's like he told Dr. Sharon, that's when he decided he was never going to meet someone and not acknowledge that they could be going through something. In his mind, he's emerged into the person he is, a better and kinder and more thoughtful person, because of that terrible thing. And I think that's totally a valid way to think about and frame your own life if that's what works for you!

Butttt i also think that's not really how Jamie thinks in regards to his experiences (until they randomly shoehorned it into his mindset in Mom City, that is) and I also think saying things like "sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives some fellas to become great at what they do" is a downright crazy (weird, bad, terrible) way to talk someone you've witnessed being abused by their dad! like. genuinely what was the reasoning there?!

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x6 thoughts

I felt like the physical embodiment of a series of iconic reaction GIFs while watching this episode. I felt like Higgins gagging on air and right and wrong choices. As an invested, non-casual Ted Lasso viewer, I feel quite absorbed in the experience of every episode, but I’m not usually a LOUD non-casual Ted Lasso viewer. At one point last night, I shouted “This is the wackiest show ever made!” at @bristler, and that doesn’t even sound like something I would say. And by “wacky” I just meant “all the emotions are happening at once.”

This episode was absolutely great and I knew that every single Rebecca Welton feeling I have would intensify because of this episode and that is exactly what happened.

This is me bravely writing down my episode thoughts after only one viewing (just like last week) and a bad night of sleep! Copious spoilers and emotions ahead...

This show goes all in on hats! A lot of bad hats for giving bad relationship advice and making bad decisions! Feel like you’re gonna do something correctly? Just put on a bad hat, that’ll snap you right out of it. Just had a revelation that you are almost certainly in an abusive relationship? Your girlfriend is hiding in the parking lot with a terrible hat for you! (I love this show.)

Dark forest dark forest dark forest dark forest.

I truly, truly, truly do not mean this to sound judgmental of any other fan, but it’s taking everything in my power not to just type “dark forest” in the comments of every person who is outraged that LDN152 is not Ted.

Gonna get my initial thoughts on the Sam=LDN152 reveal out of the way. I honestly like this choice.

First, I like this choice because of who LDN152 isn’t. I think about how awful it would be if she’d matched with Rupert and realized she’d been manipulated by him and charmed by him all over again, and how, when she gets the same reveal the audience already has, she would end up retraumatized by having been charmed and taken in by Rupert all over again. I think about her matching with Nate (if he’d redownloaded the app) and the inadequacy of her assertiveness advice and how Nate is one of the only non-Rupert characters who’s used sexist language against her and how Nate’s insecurities would be like water trying to co-exist with the oil of Rebecca’s insecurities. Nate and Rebecca are fond of each other and seem to want to be in each other’s lives, but a romantic squishing together via dating app would set them both back lightyears. I think about her matching with Ted, a man currently on a parallel-to-Rebecca trek through a very painfully dark forest, a man swinging wildly between performative attempted wit and utter panic. A man she trusts with her professional and personal challenges. [Her challenging mother comes to town and Keeley and Ted are the people she wants with her at lunch.] Ted and Rebecca, with all their current limitations, and with all the ways the forest obscures the view, are trying to be there for each other in their real, non-romantic comedy versions of their lives, and the discomfort of matching on an app seems like the kind of thing that would make them rear back from each other instead of bringing them even closer together. It is not time. It is so profoundly not time that I would have been furious if the writers had continued the “maybe it’s Ted?” line of thought for another second longer than they did.

Second, I like this choice because of who Sam is. I know. He’s not an appropriate match for her. The power dynamics are all messed up and their ages are all wrong. But this does introduce a potentially interesting parallel between Rupert and his younger women and the scrutiny Rebecca would risk herself and Sam experiencing if she goes for it. Rebecca seems to have tried to put away her Rupert-related trauma, but the specter of Rupert is lurking, and I do see that being a good person making an ethically complicated decision with another good person is very different from being an abuser setting out to take advantage of multiple people...but there are parallels she might have to reckon with. Also, Sam is a kind person with a strong ethical center and a well-documented interest in Rebecca. He and Ted helped each other feel more at home in London during a time of deeply missing other homes, and Sam has internalized a lot of Ted’s ways of living in a way that might genuinely appeal to Rebecca even if she doesn’t fully realize why. The writers on this show don’t write messes for the sake of drama. They write messes because life is painful and complicated and also very funny. I’d be shocked if, however this Bantr thing plays out, it isn’t painful and complicated and also funny.

(I am already a little worried that whatever happens next is going to activate some very ironic fan reactions given this is a show whose thesis statement is about withholding judgment. This fear is based not on Ted Lasso-specific knowledge but on unfortunate patterns of fandom, but...you can fear the impact of racist, sexist, and ageist tropes on two beloved characters without embodying those tropes as a viewer. You can watch characters make decisions that could subject them to harmful scrutiny without performing that harm yourself.)

Ted Lasso is a fictional character who tweeted about the joy of eating out (you know...at the Crown and Anchor) the day before 2x6 launched and during 2x6 Rebecca invited him to eat out at the Crown and Anchor. (I love this show.) I am so, so, so fond of all the little lunch-y things in this episode. Ted can’t bring Henry his lunch because he’s “at work” aka living in London. Ted and Beard surprise each other with secret sandwiches on Fridays. Rebecca is overwhelmed by her mother’s visit (her mother’s performance of a harmful pattern) and wants Keeley and Ted there. The scene at the Crown and Anchor, as painful as all the divorce/separation feelings were, was also so homey and lovely in terms of these characters being friends, being at home in a place despite the very not-at-home feelings emanating from Deborah. The Bake-Off viewing! Ted being the designated driver (probably a good thing on this particular day)! Rebecca feeling discomfort but not shutting down! Also cute British pub feelings. Evidence that Rebecca has talked to her mom about Ted! About personal things about Ted!

Naaaaaaate. His bursts of confidence and insight. The pain and insecurity and anger almost literally bubbling under the surface.

I cannot say enough good things about Higgins. He’s grown so much, and his decision to be honest with Beard regarding his concerns about Jane was absolutely impeccably done. Many, many trusted people in Higgins’ life told him not to do it. They are all good people, and they were all wrong. Sometimes one human being’s honesty makes the difference for someone who is struggling, and that’s exactly what happened here. Beard truly heard Higgins. And of course he didn’t immediately break things off with Jane. But he heard Higgins, and when Jane showed up Beard’s face looked different than it ever has, and Higgins words are with him as he walks off into the night with Jane and that might save him. And Rebecca witnessed it.

And I’m so glad she witnessed Higgins’ choice in the midst of this very difficult experience of a) trying to find Ted because she knows he’s in pain and being unable to and b) watching her mother repeat a pattern that Rebecca herself was able to break. It taught me so much about Rebecca. The way she was punished (and described the experience using the language of punishment) for having an honest reaction to her mother’s decision to leave her father the first time. The way she was taught that love is conditional, that love and reconciliation are things you can purchase with gifts. The way her mother uses the language of self-help without internalizing what it would take to heal, and probably has little use for actual therapy. The way her mother drinks alcohol as a way to feel free.

I don’t even know how to think, much less write, about everything with Roy’s coaching and his image and how Ted feels about it and all the fatherhood things Jamie brings up and all the fatherhood things Ted is missing w/r/t Nate and everyone except for Rebecca taking at face value (or willfully deciding to take at face value) the idea that Ted’s panic attack is actually just him needing to go barf up a fish pie. Ted hugging his backpack in Sharon’s office. Rebecca trying to find him, and Sharon being the one who does. The words “I wanna make an appointment” being the words that conclude the episode at the exact midpoint of the planned-for show. Halfway through the middle season. The moment Ted realizes he’s never going to be okay if he doesn’t give therapy a try.

I also can’t say enough good things about the moment with the team and Sharon, the way she agrees to one drink, the way it’s clear that she adores them all. Sharon is exacting and professional without being cold and calculating, and everything she does in this episode is such a gorgeous model of assertiveness, patience, and moderation...three things Ted struggles with the most.

What a dark forest. What an excellent group of humans.

[clumsycapitolunicorn]

This isn’t going to be coherent or beautifully written, but I’m losing it, thinking over how Ted and Rebecca’s connection and everything that comes from it is such a big part of the show and that leads the show. This is going to be a long post.

Rebecca had no idea that when she hired Ted as part of her plan to hurt Rupert like he hurt her, that she’d be hiring someone who would be a huge part of AFC Richmond and her life. 

She didn’t expect this man to be such a polite sweetheart who would check in with her, a stranger, asking her how she was doing after her divorce with Rupert when he found that out. Something no one had done since her divorce. She had no one at the time around her. Making what Rupert said to her about being alone without him seem true. That made her revenge seem easy at first. It was the only thing she had. She wanted to go on with her plans but Ted Lasso with his wanting to get to know her, trying to hop over her fences (as he saw someone who was lonely and in need of his help) and his delicious biscuits that made her feel happy, like home, that he kept on bringing to her EVERYDAY and that she found out he MADE (and she was trying to find out where he got them from so she could eat them but not get them from him so she wouldn’t feel bad) slowly won her over. 

Ted’s kindness made her take a chance to be vulnerable in 1x04 outside of the gala. She opened up, he wanted to take away all of the pain she was feeling and comforted her, wrapping her in a hug. You have to think how long it has been since Rebecca has had any positive comforting touch...Ted made her feel better, along with letting her know he sees Rupert for who he is and she isn’t alone.

A couple episodes later, she is there for Ted when he is having a panic attack. She went looking for him!!! She was gentle with him and there were so many touches (IF YOU THINK I AM OVER THE FACE TOUCH I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE OVER IT) and it brought him back. He left the bar because he didn’t want anyone to see him like that and yet Rebecca went looking for him (and in S2 we actually see her looking for him again when she knows he is having another and is the ONLY ONE TO SEE IT AND IT CAUSED HER PANIC TOO. THEN SHE LEFT HIM THAT SOFT VOICEMAIL) and made sure he wasn’t alone.

Ted was grateful for this and made himself her metaphorical St Bernard, there to help her when she needed it, the next episode. And kept his word. He showed Rupert up that same ep (and threatened him lowkey) as well as doing his “HI BOSS” gesture. These two kept showing up for each other after that. Rebecca at Christmas, saving Ted from his loneliness (and chose him over an Elton John party and a puppet show by Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz) and Ted showing up when she needed it at her father’s funeral (NOT LONG AFTER A PANIC ATTACK AND UNPACKING ALL HIS TRAUMA WITH DR SHARON) when she was about to and struggling to make a speech about him, which led to her rick-roll that Ted helped her finish off when she couldn’t. 

Also, their connection with each other leads to big changes and connections with the rest of AFC Richmond. 

Rebecca invites Ted to work at Richmond. Ted changes the atmosphere in the locker room, which changes the team dynamic and has them all caring about and looking out for each other. 

Ted got through to Jamie and that made him more of a team player and he also helped the relationship between him and Roy become what is now (what a miracle that is): 

Also, Ted trying to get through to Roy not only gives them both a nice relationship but in trying to help Roy, it leads to more interactions between him and Keeley (and Rebecca giving her a job let her be around AFC Richmond more) which lead to them two in a relationship.

Speaking of Keeley, she was sort of the first person to really be kind to Ted when he arrived and that started out a friendship between those two, which Rebecca wanted to use to cause trouble first, but then with Keeley finding out about pap pics of her and Ted out of context being posted, Ted offers to help and they go to Rebecca unaware she is behind it all and she stops it.

 Keeley ends up opening up to Rebecca and we get their friendship basically starting in the gala ep with Keeley helping her out on the red carpet and Rebecca telling her about Jamie (which leads to Keeley breaking it off with him so things can start with her and Roy) and we get the pair of them at the end on a rickshaw together. And their scenes and friendship just continued to be iconic from then on. Plus they’re Rebecca’s personal cheerleaders and that’s cute. 

Plus because of Ted and Rebecca’s connection, Higgins gets on with Ted when he is helping Rebecca scheme with him and he ends up becoming a part of The Diamond Dogs with Ted, Beard, Nathan (oh Nathan why) and Roy. Eventually, when Rebecca is back on track, she sorts things out with Higgins and those two end up becoming friends like they should’ve been when she was married to Rupert. 

And we also end with him making an adorable trio with her and Keeley. 

When it’s not just the other trio that is Ted, Rebecca and Keeley, we get the whole awesome group with Higgins involved. I love this group of four. 

Ted and Rebecca’s connection lead to all these changes and relationships that we all love and I just think that’s beautiful. 

I ALSO NEED TO YELL ABOUT THEIR NAME MEANINGS. I LOST IT WHEN I FOUND OUT THEIR NAME MEANINGS WHEN I NEEDED TO FIND THEM OUT.

Ted: “Gift of God”

Rebecca: “To Tie or Bind.” In 1x07, Sassy toasts to Rebecca with “To the ties that bind us.” 

YOU HAVE TED MEANING GIFT OF GOD BEING CALLED A GODSEND AND REBECCA WHOSE NAME MEANS TO TIE OR BIND BRINGING TED TO RICHMOND FOR REVENGE REASONS, ONLY TO CHANGE EVERYONE’S, LIVES, INCLUDING HERS AND HIS OWN (which he mentions when she apologises to him and he forgives her just like that.)

AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, THESE TWO WENT THROUGH TRAUMATIC MOMENTS IN THEIR LIVES INVOLVING THEIR FATHER’S ON THE SAME DAY AT THE SAME TIME. 13TH SEPTEMBER 1991. 

THEY’RE SOULMATES. THEY’RE SOULMATES WHO DIDN’T JUST CHANGE EACH OTHERS LIVES BUT THE LIVES OF EVERYONE AROUND THEM JUST BY CONNECTING WITH EACH OTHER. 

IT’S THE SOULMATES OF IT ALL.

[20thcentutygeek]

How 'Ted Lasso' helped me take a look at myself

Heads up there are a few spoilers for Ted Lasso season two in this blog.

The TV show Ted Lasso is an oddity. The concept isn’t something I should be interested in, and on paper it shouldn’t work. I’m not a fan of football in the slightest, and it being based on a series of comedy commercials, history tells us it should have become a series of shallow jokes about a fish out of water. It should have failed with the first season. However, it has become a phenomenon, and rightfully so. In a world divided, confused, and scared for the future comes a show that is willing to wear its heart on its sleeve and be a positive force.

That’s not to say it’s devoid of conflict or that its saccharine in its chirpy happiness. What makes Ted Lasso special is its honesty. Often when that term is used for a TV show, it’s a hard hitting drama about the worst life has to offer. While I appreciate those shows are important, showing a glimpse of how some people are forced to live, I do believe the incessant grimness has been a contributing factor in the global emotional and psychological decline. Oddly contributing to further despair, without providing suggestions for a solution.

I will acknowledge that Ted Lasso is about a football club and people that earn millions of pounds. However, it doesn’t dwell on rich people problems, or diminish the people that aren’t in the same tax bracket. The football and the money are barely a consideration or a factor in the show. Yes, they inform elements and the framing but at its heart its about people from very different backgrounds working together to raise each other up, and every week it raises me up to.

The show has covered a number of topics and themes, and I think there are great articles to be written about the portrayal of women in business, the complexity of relationships, grieving and creating a positive working environment. What I want to focus on is how it has broken down and helped me address my own toxic masculinity.

As I reach 40, I have taken a look back at my life and, like everyone else, there are things I know I could have done better at or dealt with differently. One of those things is my own relationship with my emotions and mental health. I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s and my fictional role models were action stars and superheroes who dealt in actions rather words. Greif was an opportunity for revenge and lashing out. If a wrong was identified in the world it was an opportunity to blow stuff up. There was no room for emotions. John Rambo starts by exploring his PTSD and trauma to then being dropped back into war for entertainment. Not great therapy, and the way to work through those pesky trauma nightmares was to kill more baddies.

In the 90s, during my teen years, I was swamped by Lad Culture. Get drunk and be loud, with a side of obnoxious. It was an extension of the 80s yuppie culture, work hard, play harder. I was pretty good at that. Over the years I became more worldly, and I like to think more balanced. I have had some hard lessons about how to manage and work with people. I have tried to be better and be a positive influence on people I know and work with.

I grew up with prejudices that I have addressed, and I’m embarrassed I ever held them, but somethings are harder to work on than others. My understanding and acceptance of the wider world, and the wonderful array of people that live In it, has always been tempered by how I have perceived myself and what I feel.

I have trouble with my weight and will often work ridiculous hours to get work done. I take on too much and when I get frustrated, I let it build up into anger. Then when things don’t work out, or I have too many plates spinning I get annoyed at myself for not being able to keep everything moving. This then results in the behaviour that contributes to my weight issues. It becomes a cycle. I know this, and have done for years, but to admit it, to let others know that I know this, would be the biggest failure. To admit that I can’t do any more, or that I have hit my limit when I know that others are under pressure as well is, as far as I have seen it, a sign of weakness, and so I carry on. Not wanting people to think less of me. I’m a man and I should be able to shoulder this burden. Just grab another snickers and knuckle down harder. During the pandemic this behaviour has been worse than ever.

But that may all be in the past.

Ted Lasso season two has made me stop and take a step back. Football clubs are often portrayed as hives of competition and alpha males. Ted Lasso has taken a different tact and shown how this team supports each other. In this season three elements have made me take stock.

Jamie Tart dealing with the pressure to succeed from his Father and supporters has been fascinating to watch. The internalisation of the fear of failure and the constant push for you to the be the sole winner of a team game struck home. The moment he punched out his Dad was stunning. A full stop moment. Yes, it was frustration spilling out, but it was not for him, it was for him as part of the team. A moment to say, ‘no more’ and I am part of this team, and they are there for me. The fact the punch was followed by a hug from Roy Kent was perfect. We often work as a team, in life and in work. within in that team we have responsibilities, but we are not responsible for the whole team. Be good at what you are good at and help the others to do the same and positive results are a lot more likely.

Let’s talk about Roy Kent. He should be the worst offender, but they have under-cut this perfectly and created a new modern role model. The curmudgeonly Roy has a life and reputation built on aggression and machismo. However, his arc has led him to become a great example of the ability and need to adapt and try new things, especially as we move from one stage of life to the next. His desire to change, adapt and learn for the people he loves is an inspiration. They are the people we need to be better for the most. I now stop an ask WWRFD: What Would Roy Fucking Do?

The most important is Ted and his anxiety attacks. His relationship with Dr Fieldstone has also made me question some of my own habits and what may have caused them. I’m not going to delve into my life story here (you can wait for the book J), but Ted discussing how the suicide of his father has shaped his approach to life and the emotional impact this has had, when he is forced to have to give up on things, stopped me in my tracks. The question I asked was, who am I trying to impress? What am I getting from the hours given up and why am I doing this? The waking up at 4am with anxiety isn’t a sign I care about my work, it’s a sign my work is damaging me. This isn’t something that I am going to address overnight, but these questions have started a chain reaction that has allowed me to stop and say, ‘Yes, I am struggling, and I need to take a breath’. What comes next I still need to figure out, but I know that I do need to figure it out.

Everyone behind Ted Lasso should be proud. Not only are they creating a funny show with heart, but they are also creating role models that show young (and some not so young) men, that being a man isn’t about being stoic, bearing the burden and keeping going. It’s not macho to just keep going and wash down the negativity. Being a man is about being a part of the world, being who you are, but knowing that we can all be better and being willing to explore ways of achieving that. It doesn’t mean the world and life will be easier, but it does mean that we don’t have to do it alone.

I’m heading into middle age, and I am scared of it. I am scared I won’t be able to keep up. I am scared that things are getting on top of me. I am scared that I won’t be relevant anymore. Ted Lasso came at the right time and has helped put some things in perspective for me. It’s fine to be sacred of these things, the world can be fucking scary, but its not helpful to keep those fears to myself. WWRFD? he’d begrudgingly talk to Keely, and they would work it out together, whether it’s easy or hard.

I’m about to be 40 and its time to make some changes.