#JAMBO STUPID GUY!!!!!

[k4lenz]

big guy ✮ jschlatt x fem!reader hcs

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a/n: what up! i wrote this for my gorgeous loml best friend @plantring who definitely wasn’t holding me at gunpoint, and i’ve been meaning to write a schlatt fic for ages! so, here you go. big guy. maybe charlie next 👀 also the song was just the song i’ve been repeating and had in mind while i wrote this fic ! i hope you guys like it :)

notes: jambo, other unnamed cat referred to as ‘burnt soup’, swearing, cuddles, nicknames, twitch, wii games series, tucker keane & Ted nivison, chuckle sandwich mention, romantic, drinking, hobbies, singing, SFW, NSFW UNDER THE CUT!! , grabby schlatt /pos

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sfw hcs ˚⟡˖ ࣪

☼ toots. he calls you toots, all the time, every day. it’s either a cheesy nickname, sweets, toots, baby, sweetheart, or sugar. he’s new yorkian yk.

☾ he’ll call you them before you even start dating, just to watch your cheeks flush pink and lips fall agape. the image ingrained in his mind permanently.

☼ such a flirt, before you start dating. he’ll make a wild joke to nobody in particular when you’re with friends, noticing how everybody will laugh but yours is hoarse. watching you squirm in your seat as he lets out a little chuckle, is how he gathers you like him.

☾ you’re the flirtiest friends, and everyone can see it but you two.

☼ maybe your mutual point of realisation is at his house, when he complains about shaving and you offer to shave his chops. “y’better not fuck this up, lady. these are the money bags.” he’d tease, making you laugh. you sit on his lap, claiming it’s for ‘better access’ as you clean up his face.

☾ like i said with ted, schlatt’s also a romantic. maybe a little more old school, but definitely romantic. he’d ask you out on a date first, with pretty flowers and that charming fucking smile. then ask you to be his girlfriend. what? he isn’t a pussy.

☼ if you two don’t live together, he likes seeing you in his space more. he can’t quite describe why, maybe it’s just waking up with you tangled in his sheets in his bed in his room with his cats cuddling up next to you like you’ve been there forever.

☾ speaking of the cats, they’ve picked you over him. if you both call their names at the same time, both the cats will come running to you as if schlatt isn’t even there.

☼ “what the fuck?” he mutters, picking up jambo. “i pay for your food, house you, give you love and attention. and this is how you repay me, shithead? huh? by picking her over me? fuck you!” he frowns, holding jambo up as the orange cat simply meows in response. jambo’s paw finds his nose, and schlatt’s eyes glance at you. seeing you giggling as you cuddled burnt soup like a baby. “you too, you fuckin’ traitor.” he proclaims, pointing at the purring black cat in your hands who’s giving him the cutest stare ever.

☾ huh, kind of reminds him of you.

☼ if you have a pet too, even better.

☾ got a cat? he’ll try and make your cat love him more then you. it doesn’t work, but if you comment he’ll say it’s a work in progress. insists on feeding it every time he’s at your house, probably figures out some sort of nickname for your kitty. cuddles it every chance he gets.

☼ got a dog? he’ll pretend he doesn’t like it, call it dopey since he’s always proclaiming he doesn’t like dogs. but you catch him babying and cuddling your dog when he thinks you’re not around too often to believe him.

☾ best believe jambo and burnt soup will get mad at him when he comes home with another animal’s smell on him, but never get mad at you. he’s such a softie for pets.

☼ schlatt was quite the private man, not a very big fan of making things public on the internet. he knew how people could be. he wouldn’t want to expose you to that, at least not until he was sure you’d be okay with it and you’d been in a relationship for a while.

☾ didn’t mean he couldn’t leave a few subtle messages for his chat, though. maybe a pair of pink slippers on his floor or some jewellery. when chat would notice and spam, he’d smirk.

☼ “what, chat? th’re obviously mine.” he chuckled. gaslighting his twitch as much as he could. if you asked, he’d say it was an accident and he didn’t notice. he’s a good liar to everyone but you.

☾ after a while, he’d open the idea up to you. whether it be a stream, or a youtube video where he can blur your face. but he has one rule.

☼ wii games. he wants to bring back wii games.

☾ and of course since you’re both equally competitive fucks, it turns into a laughing, yelling and tackling match as you both play every wii game imaginable. spewing insults at each other when the other misses in wii tennis, bickering like an elderly couple, screaming and cheering in victory. him claiming he let you win.

☼ “if you win anythin’, that is.” he’d murmur with that dumb grin.

☾ which you reply to with a string of curses and insults

☼ he couldn’t imagine anything more hilarious. plus click bait.

☾ he brings you to chuckle week (RIP CHUCKLE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS </3) and you all decide to play some of the board games that look like they’re collecting dust in the airBNB you all are staying in.

☼ scrabble? you and schlatt team, ted and tucker team, and you practically knock them off the fucking board. guess who? they’re cooked. uno? reverse. chess? checkmate. you’re winning every time, together for once, and giggling about it too.

☾ “connect 4!” schlatt bellowed, as you two won at yet another game. you sat at the dining table of the airbnb, sitting opposite each other in pairs playing another dusty game. “what the fuck? you two are cheating or some shit.” ted huffs and tucker shakes his head and laughs, with you and schlatt cuddled up with your manic grins and wins in every game under your belt.

☼ turns out putting two competitive (crazy, as tucker calls you) people on a team works.

☾ let’s just say no matter who you’re playing with, you two always win game night.

☼ schlatt will pretend that he doesn’t like whatever hobby you have, playfully rolling his eyes, but if you catch him marvelling at you doing said hobby? no you didn’t.

☾ he’ll let you drag him wherever, but not without complaints. he’ll hold your hand wherever, never let you pay whenever you go out.

☼ “that’s silly.” he’d argue, pushing your card away. “christ, woman. ’m gonna have to fuckin’ confiscate your card ‘n replace it with my own soon.”

☾ he’ll hold you whenever, especially if you like it. whether it be his arm around your shoulders, on your waist, or maybe even a hand in your back pocket

☼ especially in crowds, he’s got you close so you can get through it to where you need to go. he’d hate to lose you in a crowd, not a chance.

☾ he’d get drunk, you’d try and kiss him and he’d be like “fuck off. i have a loving girlfriend.”

☼ and you’d be like “j i’m ur girlfriend.”

☾ “oh! hi girlfriend :)” and then kisses you.

☼ tries to act tough but he’s such a big softie at heart.

☾ he also gets jealous if he catches anyone simply just glancing at you, big 6”4 boy just gives them a simple look

☼ “achlatt! that guy was literally just doing his job.” “don’t give a fuck, y’re my girlfriend. no need for him t’be so cheery to ya.” but he’d also be annoyed if they weren’t nice to you.

☾ sometimes, you’ll catch him cooking and singing to himself as he plays music on a speaker. some glen campbell, maybe arctic monkeys. but he gets embarrassed, despite literally having a christmas album and a real good voice.

☼ “i don’t sing, sugar.” schlatt would argue, food cooking and arms wrapped around your waist as you two gently swayed to the music playing in his kitchen.

☾ a lie that was, you called bullshit

☼ and you’d both sing to whatever was on the speaker, laughing and just holding each other close as you two danced properly. spinning you, dipping you. his hair messy, a look of admiration on his face. no matter how uncoordinated you two were, it was right in your eyes.

☾ same thing i said about ted goes, big broad tall man mmmmm

☼ gives the best cuddles

☾ got plushies in your room? he’ll buy you more, and have fake beef with them. rolling his eyes if you argue that they’re your children.

☼ deep down he knows he loves them

☾ and you

☼ mostly you

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nsfw hcs ˚⟡˖ ࣪

☼ he’s such a sweetheart in bed

☾ bitey bitey man. he can’t sit still for long

☼ as long as you’re in the privacy of your own home, whatever you’re doing, bet that his lips will be finding your neck.

☾ “can’t help it. taste too good.” he’d complain if you’d whine, that stupid shit eating grin on his gorgeous face. his hands on your hips, and his mouth leaving pinks, purples and reds that he knew you’d have to cover up tomorrow for work.

☼ he’s whipped. absolutely fucking whipped. pussy whipped.

☾ he’d do anything you asked, especially if you were promising to let him fuck you the minute you got through the door of either of your houses.

☼ horny motherfucker.

☾ in terms of oral, he loves giving and receiving equally

☼ watching you tremble underneath him as he hooks your thighs onto his shoulders and messily eats your pussy, sucking on your clit like it’s his last meal and he’s a starving man. his hands squeezing said thighs as you writhe, eyes watching your every reaction. impossibly harder at your every noise.

☾ and then also, “i didn’t say hover, sweetheart, i said sit.” making you sit on his face, pulling your hips down with his arms tucked under your thighs. devouring you and your perfect fucking cunt.

☼ pulling away later, lips and chops covered in your cum. licking his lips. “light as a fuckin’ feather, baby. don’t know what’cha talkin about.” if you were to ask if you were too heavy.

☾ but then also

☼ running his fingers through your hair as he looked down at you, on your knees so prettily for him. soft groans and sighs coming from his lips, eyes lidded, as you sucked his cock and looked up at him with lust. watching you wrap your lips around it inbetween his legs. tracing your tongue along the veins. pulling your hair, but never too hard: god, he was absolutely feral.

☾ he’s definitely dominant, but he isn’t harsh. he couldn’t stand seeing you hurt. like i said, he’s a softie.

☼ prefers to be face to face, but i feel like he’d really like back shots. simply to grab at your ass, watch the curve of your back arch as he fucked you good. leaving bites along your back as well, leaning over and leaving some on your shoulder.

☾ classic missionary, or you on his lap, are also his favourites. but he’s open to try other things with you, most definitely.

☼ he loves his woman, he really does. and he’d do anything to make sure you’re happy, always give you good loving. he’d hate to ever leave you without.

☾ him getting tipsy makes him even more desperate to please. even more desperate for you. but even sober, he always is

☼ rutting his hips into you, a little drunk as you combed your fingers through his hair “mmm. mine, sweets. god.” he’d grunt, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck as he fucked you perfectly. “need y’so f’ckin bad.”

☾ you flash him during an argument? it’s over as quick as it started. you were right, obviously. he’s following you like a dumb puppy again.

☼ would definitely turn around your plushies during sex. and also lock out the cats.

☾ when you two would unlock the door and come back out to the cats whining, your legs a bit wobbly, or maybe even unable to walk on your own at all, he’d pat the cats and smirk.

☼ “sorry, little shits. y’r mom needed some lovin instead.” he’d coo as you playfully shove him. a chuckle coming from his lips.

☾ he’s a very touchy grabby guy, whether it be your tits, thighs, your ass. he loves it.

☼ he’d get needy, and make it clear. it would never take him long to tell you if he was feeling needy, or he’d show it simply by picking you up or being close to you. it wasn’t hard to tell, and you’d be fucking within minutes.

☾ and if you’re needy? god, he relishes in it. teasing you, maybe even leaving you on the edge of orgasm over and over until your eventually sweet release. depends on how cruel he’s feeling. or maybe touching you, but not enough, just enough to make your hips jerk but not enough to build up anything. he loved the sound of your whiny frustration.

☼ yeah. he wants you. so bad. all the time.

[777nicetits]

She leaned back on her chair, legs coming up to her chest as the robotic voice read the most recent donation out loud.

makegatoradethicker sent $10

how is living with schlatt like?

The girl had a sweet smile on her face as she heard the TTS go off. "Thank you for the ten dollars!" She looked up at the camera. "How is living with Schlatt like?" She repeated the question, taking a moment to think about it. "It's pretty nice. He's pretty chill. Jambo and the little guy are definitely the best part of it though."

Her eyes went off to her second monitor, hugging her legs as she read chat.

🜲 brinzioo tell us moreeeee

harriscamm thats it???

🜲 ✪ joliieeee no fun!!!! tell us the teeeaaaa

“The tea? There’s no tea.” She laughed it off. “Okay, I’ll tell you guys this. I…” She paused for a second or two, for the dramatics of it, “Have been on a mission recently. I’ve been trying to make Schlatt eat more vegetables and fruits.”

She chuckled, watching as her chat laughed along with her.

“I already got him to try some little carrot snacks. Which were like, carrot slices with some honey, some chili pepper sprinkled on it and a side of Brazilian style seasoned mayonnaise.” She lifted her right hand closer to the camera, thumb up. “He really liked it! He ate like a full bowl. And, uh, yesterday for dinner I tried a new hidden chicken recipe that my mom sent me and, I don’t think he knows that,” she snickered, hand coming up to her mouth, “There was some broccoli in there, and he ate it all. So,” she shrugged, her lips turning into a straight line, “A win is a win, I guess.”

🜲 ✪ joliieeee omg girl 😭 you make it sound like he’s a little toddler

She laughed loudly at the comment, reading it out loud for the whole stream. “Honestly? He kinda gets my maternal instincts acting up sometimes. Like, he’s not stupid, but sometimes he’ll do something or say something and I’ll be like… ‘My brother in Christ, how’d you get this far?’”

chiklittle schlatt himbo comfirmed?????

🜲 chiquitamalassa KEKW

🜲 christiantryhard did bro just get sonzoned????

✪ jajajeny that is an insane sentence u just said KEKW

🜲 ☯︎︎ ♐︎ ✪ candidcandance when he makes ur maternal instincts act up >>>>

She was having the time of her life reading her chat. The second those words left her mouth she knew it’d get clipped, twitter is about to have a field day with this one.

“Okay guys, enough, enough. He’s gonna be so mad at me, you guys will have me kicked out.”

🜲 ☯︎︎ ♐︎ ✪ candidcandance he’d never kick you out bc that means he’ll have to go back to taking care of himself on his own

That made her chuckle, but her smile was quick to fade once the TTS went off once again.

jschlatt donated $100

I can’t believe you put broccoli in my food, mommy. I’ve

never felt so betrayed in my whole life.

She faced the camera, making direct eye contact with the lens as she tried her best to keep a straight face, failing miserably. She didn’t even wanted to look at chat right now. And even if she did, she wouldn’t be able to make anything out by how fast it was going.

“Mods, ban this weirdo!”

tried something here, ngl i really like it.

[schlattslonghairytoes]

schlatt calling you mama out of the blue because ted told him it would work to get you flustered but you both end up laughing and schlatt gets so embarrassed

hey mamas

you were sprawled out across schlatts couch, watching the basement yard. you had already made breakfast, fed jambo and garlic bread

and now you just had to wait for you fuckass boss to wake up, i guess you guys had just given up on punctuality at this point

its no like he had a whole lot to do today, but your job was to get here at the same time every day, and make sure he finished his checklist

if its one task, or a record number of twenty-two

you were so focused in on your video that you didnt even hear the door click open

"whats your favorite poptar-"

"good mornin' mama" schlatt interupted your video

"alright, pack it up beast boy" you laugh at your own stupid joke as he sits next to you on the couch

"does that make you raven" he raises a brow and mews

"can we chill with the rizz its too early for this" you two spoke like this all the time, so you assumed the mama bit was over

holy shit were you wrong

as if it were clockwork, he managed to call you some variation of mama, six times in two hours

and listen you werent necessarily complaining, but like, it was getting weird

"can you hand that to me mama?" he asked while he was editing his newest video

you grabbed his gamersupps and passed it to him, again trying to ignore his little "mama" kick.

you were sat on the bed in his filming and editing room on your phone, all you had to do today is make sure he finished this one video he was putting off

"ok, i jus' have to ask, where did this mama bit come from, not complaining jus' curious." you lent over the bed to look at him, his face now significantly red.

"i dont know" he said quietly, pretending to be locked in on editing when you could see him clicking the same clip over and over

"c'mon, usually your go-to's are toots, or doll, and the occasional broad. why the switch?" you said, squinting your eyes at him

"does it really matter?"

"yes."

"ughhhhh" he leaned back in his chair and looked at you, his face still tomato colored

"im waiting c'monnnn" you giggled

"tedtoldmethatificalledyouthatyouwouldreallylikeit" he spat out

"jay do you think i even heard what you said?" you laughed as he finally turned his seat around and sighed

"i was talking to ted and he told me that you used to love being called that as a stupid petname and i dont know i just thought i should start calling you that i guess. im sorry" he said awkwardly

"hey dont be emmbarrased, ted was right, i love that nickname, just mix it up sometimes alright, your spamming it but an occasional one is great."

he looked up at you through his long lashes

"alright mama."

and for the ninth time today, you swear you felt butterflies again.

hi just a short lowkey ass post so i can try and get bakc on my writing grind

[ohbabydollie]

dollie i know you said no more schlatt but you're my fav schlatt writer and the only person i'd trust with this idea🫣

cheesy christmas cards/photoshoots with schlatt and the cats, with the tacky costumes and everything, the cliche poses, just funny cringe stuff. it becomes sort of an inside joke, and a yearly tradition, and it continues even after you guys have kids, putting them in the silly matching costumes

that is all, living for your ted era, because i'm obsessed with him too

-all my love, 🌠

*sigh* even when i came close to quitting he still haunts me /j

schlatt has everything planned out, from the theme of the christmas card to the outfits. schlatt hires a professional photographer to take the photos of you and the cats.

he spends a good two hours getting the tiny custom made sweaters onto jambo and [redacted] and trying to get them to keep it on for the photo. tiny cat santa hats, he goes all the way for these photos.

he even makes you do your hair in a 80’s poofy, curly, over sprayed style with the ugliest sweater you have ever laid your eyes on to match. schlatt is dressed to match you and is stoked to take the photos.

he wears his glasses and sits in a chair so you can put your hands on his shoulder and lean on him in that christmas card pose. he holds the cats as they start to try and take off their sweaters and he makes sure to pick out the worst possible photo out of all of them.

one where you’re not looking at the camera as [redacted] starts to hiss, jambo is getting ready to jump off his lap and schlatt is giving the biggest, psychotic smile known to man to the camera as the chaos starts around him.

he loves that picture and reposts it every single Christmas alongside the other pictures that show the chaos unfolding.

with kids it only gets better (or worse depending on how you see it), he picks the theme based on the classics from how the grinch stole christmas to a christmas story. they’re often the worst and best photos people have ever seen.

from your baby’s first christmas, schlatt dressed as the grinch, you as martha may and your poor little cindy lou who sobbing her eyes out as her dad holds her on her lap

all the way to their teenage years, your oldest dressed in ralph’s bunny onesie, youngest in a thick red coat with a scarf barely letting them peak through to look at the camera, you holding a turkey about to fall out of the tray and you husband holding that damn leg lamp.

he loves looking back on the photos from your first christmas together to the most recent, he puts them up as soon as thanksgiving is over and doesn’t take them down until after new years. he absolutely loves the stupid photos no matter how cringey they may look, he always finds a way to make them worse every year and sends them out to his friends just in time for the beginning of the christmas season

[nvmadic]

schlatt in the new video talking to jambo in a softer voice 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 and when he crumbles from seeing a cute cat. sorry im whipped

this guy is such a big softie/teddy bear. puts on the all big and mighty, abrasive and sarcastic act until he folds over.

imagine him just turning off his stream. “i’ve had enough of your stupid tiktoks and stop tryin’ to send me the recipe to meth otherwise i’ll get banned you fuckin’ assholes. alright, see ya’ later fuckwits,” he remarks rather sternly as he slumps back in his seat, pressing the end stream button. he throws his head back as he sighs before he eventually gets up and trudges around the apartment to find you. his gaze softening once he does, his eyes stumbling on you curled up in bed as he had not even realised how late it had gotten.

“sorry, angel, if i’d’a known you were in here lookin’ all cute i’d have come off sooner,” he coos, his voice gentle and somewhat hoarse from shouting at his chat for the past couple of hours. unable to resist the urge to snuggle up beside you on the bed, he pulls you into his embrace immediately enveloping you with his arms. “mm, gorgeous,” he breathily mumbles against your skin, instantly calmed by your presence.

[feelingyumimain]

Jschlatt sleepy head cannons!!

so idk if I want to do sleeping with you or when he’s tired but I think ima do both

When he gets tired he’s the sweetest man ever like sweeter then he normally is

never leaves your side

like I mean seriously he follows you like a little puppy

constantly has his hands on you

like on your waist, back, stomach, face, literally anything he can reach

if your at an event or in public and your talking to someone he’ll rest his head on yours (assuming your shorter Bc he’s a tall guy)

he would never tell anyone but he wears little pajama pants with sheep on them

or snoopy I feel like he would just love snoopy and Woodstock

he snores

its ethier big ass grandpa snoring or little cute snores from his nose that are quiet No in between

he would lay like a stick in his sleep

no movement at all it’s lwk scary

lovess to hold you

his favorite position would be spooning or you laying on his chest

loves running his fingers through your hair

he mumbles to you

“so pretty… my pretty sweetheart”

he would cover you in kisses

like lazy kisses to the back of your neck or all over your face

jambo and the other cat (idk how to spell its name 💀😭) would sleep with you guys

loves the way you look when you sleep

He gets so mumbly and soft when he’s tired

“Mmm toots m not tired”

would deny on his soul he’s not tired

“Sweetheart I’m still editing tho”

“It’ll be there tomorrow schlatt, come to bed”

he would push himself to work even if he’s tired and literally falling asleep at his desk

“come sit with me”

would get all pouty while you brush your teeth just wanting you to sleep already

“no- jambo stop I’m sleeping with (your name) not you”

would pick jambo off the bed if he kept bothering him 😔

“Wh- baby let him on the bed!”

“he climbed on my face! No!”

he would give in eventually bc he loves you

would grumble under his breath tho

“.. stupid fucker your lucky (your name) loves you so much”

he loves jambo just not when he’s exhausted and trying to hold his s/o

sense big guy is yk big guy I feel like he’s got a lot of body heat

he’s your personal heater

he would scream like a little girl if you put your cold hands or feet on him tho

it’s funny asf

if he isn’t snoring loudly that night pretty good person to cuddle up with 🤷‍♀️

[starryseth]

It's been a minute since I posted something so here's some cute head cannons for my favorite DSMP boys <3

Jschlatt

Okay so Jschlatt is 100000% a secret romance kinda guy. He loves the mystery and gets a thrill out of keeping a secret. He may seem like an open kinda person but when it comes to his s/o he likes to keep it private. That's probably why his fans and friends didn't know he had a partner until they got married

He used to be on a community baseball team and each game he would give you his hat to wear because he believed that you were his good luck charm. So when you were sick for the big game, he quit because he wouldn't have any luck and he would feel like the reason they lost.

He finds it adorable when he ends a late night stream and he crawls to the bedroom and finds you cuddled with Jambo.

He can't say no to you. Like at all. So when you ask to do his hair and makeup he agrees. He loved the way you looked so happy with your work and he wouldn't mind letting you do it again just to see you have a sense of accomplishment. Don't ask him about it though. He'll deny it.

Sapnap

Sapnap loveesssss to show you off. Like legit. In the group chat with the rest of the boys sap is constantly talking about you. They are tired of it

I believe he is a Pyro. Like anything and everything to do with fire and he's in so you constantly have to keep an eye on him. Granted he is very safe with fire but still. (Don't play with fire it's very dangerous)

He is actually very neat and organized. He has all of his and your clothes arranged in order of colors. In rainbow order of course. He also has the same hoodie in several different colors.

He gets frustrated easily so he is constantly doing things that he likes. One of those things is coloring. H loves to sit down with you and just be a kid again. You guys have a drawer in your room filled with kids coloring books and coloring supplies.

Karl

Karl loves when you play with his hair. Original I know. But it just makes him melt when you start to braid his hair or just testing new hair styles on him.

I believe that he loves being your Guinea pig for new recipes that you make if you like to cook. Anything you make for him is made from love. He genuinely almost cried when he was sick and he tried some of the soup you made and it tasted just like the soup his mom made him when he was younger

He lives to be around people. All day everyday it is energy but during the peaceful moments you guys go out and play mini golf or go to cafes to try new things. He loves your little adventures.

Karl adores playing games with you. His two loves in life are you and video games. He had you help him out with the tales of the SMP so it would be fun. It was actually inspired by a stupid convo you guys had over a dinner date.

Wilbur

Wilbur will absolutely sing you to sleep. Personally I have nightmares and I can certainly see him just being like "oh love, it's alright. Come here and just close your eyes." And he just hums and sings everything he lives about you while you fall back asleep

Every gig he doesn't with the band he has you in the front row or off to the side of the stage so when the band needs water, you can give it to them. Everyone loves you from the band and appreciates your company.

Tommy is like Wilburs younger brother. Everyone knows this. You are like the peace keeper between the two. They often squabble and when they do you grab one ear of each and make them apologize. They immediately do because they know if they don't they'll be put in the get along shirt.

Wilbur can be kinda insecure. He doesn't believe that he can be good enough for you so on those days you baby him. He taught you to play guitar so you sing to him. Even if you may not sound the best while singing, he enjoys the love that you both have.

Charlie

During days when he's doing chuckle sandwich he makes non stop dad jokes. Like it's bad. It's like it's his ritual to get ready. Like take his little book of jokes away from him.

He is a giant goofball all the time. He loves making people laugh and enjoys seeing you smile along at his dumb attempt of making a new language called "slimenican"

When he was doing gen loss you thought his slime monster character was just an evil version of his Minecraft character and picked on him for it. He didn't understand what you meant until he saw the first episode and then it clicked.

[asoulofatlantis]

Thanks to the warning, the reaction was much better and faster this time...

We are still all screaming it seems ^^'

This time we are! But uh.... I think some of our friends are going to kill us very soon ^^'

I have to go to the Grand Circuit Area later one, for an optional scene that I was working towards ever since I've started this game. But first things first...

Well... we survived the car accident. We won't survive whats coming next tho.

Still alive, even after Kasims attack... but I doubt that our luck will last much longer ^^' After all, this isn't the first time that this guy causes us a dead end.

This is really getting out of hand here. Were are we 15 or 16? Urg... O don't want to start counting again. Maybe I should just give up on counting at this point ^^' Were likely to reach at least 20 death ends if it goes on like this.

I get that they excuse that with the hole "erosion" - thingy, but they come up with more and more stupid stuff at time goes by. Us killing Cao was hardly believable, but could have happened by accident or due to some interference from the Twins when "helping" us. The whole domestic violence thing hardly made any sense, given that Paulette barely even knew the man in question. They really should have come up with something better for this one. Celis story, as Van said himself, could have been true if things would have gone wrong at some point and the church knight guy or whatever wanted to kill us for ages, so fine. But Kasim and Feri believing we worked with Almata after we were the one who beat them is just absolutely ridicioulus.

This is the same person who was willing to let his body be destroyed to save Quatre and you are going to tell me some magic mambo jambo (I guess my inner Kaiba-Fangirl is coming through here... but still!) is able to alter her memories in a way that now she sees him and anyone else as enemys who actually have sided with A AND been involved in the destruction of Creil-Village, even tho Vans best friend Dingo was killed in that damned disaster? Are you joking?

Is he here to help us? So... ne dead end this time?

Were saved! Hurray! (Seriously, at this point I owe this girl and Elaine so much, I feel bad for having some qualms with them ^^')

I couldn't agree more. We are in big trouble.

That damn Shizuna noticed that something was off, but instead of warning us, she walked straight into that trap with us...

She has totally lost me here. Did I forget a part of her story?

He did what? I am still so damn confused.

[rocals]

also yes jambo chicken soup please don't ask why i have so many of these saved

some of you "recovered mcyt" bloggers are not looking that recovered.

[simpliao]

ultimately ; (irl) schaltt x reader

summary : schaltt reminisces upon a lost love

info : based off of the song with the same name by khai dreams, prepare for angst, swearing, and reader with she/her pronouns,

a/n : i'm new to tumblr, but i thought my profile was kinda bland and needed a post or something. hopefully you enjoy my attempt at an angst one-shot !

Ultimately: what would be inevitable when the story comes to its final phrase, its end. Schlatt was sure he knew what was his inevitable: marrying the girl he loved. The woman that he'd held for so many nights, cuddling with stupid ass movies serving the couple as background noise whilst the orange tabby laid close by. Just standing where it all used to happen, from when in the early morning she'd force him awake to eat breakfast, to the late evenings where the light of their electronics highlighted the pair's features. Eyes half lidded, like phantoms inhabiting his home, he could still see her figure glowing from the morning light, or bent over laughing like the idiot he loved and adored.

He had to tear his eyes away from his own home, what used to be shared between the two: their home. Her belongings long since swept off the shelves, the lack of dust showing the outlines of where her touch was present. The apartment being in a suffocating silence, a lack of her presence was painfully apparent. Jambo, as brainless as he was, could feel the change and was reduced to mopping around the entrance; waiting for his mom to come home.

But she wouldn't ever be coming back.

Running a hand through mousy, caramel coloured locks, all he could do was let a heavy sigh leave his throat; attempt to keep up his tough guy persona and not let the welling tears fall beyond the brim of his eyes. How would Jambo cope with not having the mother he'd known since adoption? Hell, how would Schlatt cope not having her to be his backbone? The central supporting beam of his whole damn life?

He didn't know, and he didn't know when, or if, he ever would.

Just seeing his little man sit in front of the door, eyes droopy like he was on the verge of sleep but continuing to fight it; not daring to blink and miss her. Dejected mewls escaped him, as if a last ditch plea for Y/n to come back home. He just couldn't take seeing him in such a state, retreating to their once shared office space. The bedroom was too much for him to enter at the minute. Waking up to her side of the bed less sunken in every morning, with her scent slowly disappearing and the cool chill nevermore holding her warmth. The lack of her items that he once chastised for how childish or cute stupid they were; he missed. He missed her and the ungodly amount of stuffed animals that all had their own names and backstories.

The lack of her made the apartment they once bitched and complained about for how small it was seem so impossibly large. The space she took up, literally and figuratively, made him realize that without her left an inconceivable void; one that he was grasping at straws to fill. Just pushing the door open to their shared office/study space made his blood run cold. The desk that rested at the other side of the room horribly bare as if she was never there.

Solemnly, he took a seat in his chair, letting himself sink into it; no clear idea of what to do next in his mind. He couldn't work, no, not when he was like this. Neither was he in the mood to cheer himself up, for the next foreseeable future it seemed as if he would be stuck.

But one day we'll be okay.

Her voice of reassurance pierced through his mind, a reminder she made sure to instil before they parted ways. It repeated and echoed off the corners of his mind, she was so sure as she spoke with those doe eyes glossy with tears. He loved those eyes. And he loved the way she'd always assure him, comfort him through his darkest hours and be the light that lead him through. The light, with its solace and warmth, would be there no matter how far down he fell from grace; or so he thought.

The universe worked in funny ways, notably how he always managed to get the short end of every stick. It was why he supposed he hated his clean shaven face. It reminded him that underneath whatever he may use to mask who he was: he would forever be that frightened teenage boy. The past was something he refused to ever dwell on, but now, possibly suffering the worst blow of his entire life? He couldn't help but feel the suffocation of bad luck. Maybe he was never destined to be truly happy, and that's why despite the both of them completing each other in all the best ways; it was the case of the right person, wrong time.

She was always dedicated to her schooling, he was anxious at the idea of commitment; their relationship didn't work for what they wanted in the minute. She was ready to settle down with him and the thought genuinely scared him. He was barely mid-twenties, he wanted to go out and have his fun but she was too busy to do that kind of thing; neither was she really into it. Her constant studying and strive to her passion made him feel second, never being her number one priority. Despite what he lets on, Schlatt is a soul that suffered from those kind of insecurities. He was too needy for her to handle, and when he let her have her space all it did was leave him feeling unwanted.

The decision to end it was mutual between both parties, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. Regardless of how badly his chest constricted and yearned, no, begged for him to call her up, he knew better. It would only make letting go harder, at least for now, it wasn't meant to be. The wandering thought of if he ever meant the same to her crossed his mind, was she hurting as much as he was?

Yet still, he was sunken in the same old chair he always had been, tears having fallen without his knowledge or consent. He was never favoured by fate, and regardless he still silently prayed to whatever force out there that they'd have a second chance when the time would be right. He'd get whatever it was he needed to out of his system, and despite how selfish, wished that she'd be single and ready when he'd be. That they could pick up where it was once left off. Where he could have his larger frame wrap around her and once again be able to call her 'mine'.

But until that time should come, if ever, he'd be condemned to be alone... Again.

Just how it's always been.

[canonurl-archived]

look at this dumb fuck (his name is jambo, he belongs to the guy that played the alcoholic dictator)

ha stupid idiot cat i love him

[sentimental-darkness]

Looking back - S4 of Svtfoe

Oh crap, all you need to do is take a look at today’s Disney shows and not only to realize anti-trump shouting back then destroyed this show good. because nothing “better” than stupid political screaming in the work of kid fantasy fiction right?

crazy overpowered nazi robots follow unstable joke character racist. enabled by one of the wisest/most composed characters on the show but actually supported by many many more, some of them also pretty bright despite some shortcomings

their master plan is to throw all poor monsters off the cliff, oh no! and the power of lgbt rainbow stops them! also everyone is sorry they were idiots but they are still idiots. pony head doesn’t even feel like she is a friend to the main character anymore but she is still there, with a special role in so many episodes, yeah good pacing that’s what we need from the last season WOW

anyway, remember: the world is divided into bad bad bad hateful racists, the bunch of completely brainless idiots who enable them for completely illogical reasons even through they pretty smart and... the only bright side, colorful magical activists with their fists mostly annoying brats now ‘because teens are stupid hey’ but fun fact: they actually used to be bright kids becoming smarter and more mature as the series went on hurray! such improvements!

while the original “racist faction” with its cast of interesting characters (Septarsis, Seth, Toffee) was forgotten because it didn’t really fit the “dump trump stereotype” of today’s racist -> it was more of an “ancient times racist” because they wished for their lizard empire of old and lizard supremacy over their kind also vengeance coz history complicated and bloody. + main character’s ancestors were refugee-conquerors who had to deal with many vicious monsters but also killed some decent ones (which by the way, Glagbor was supposed to represent those two aspects of monsters, but was turned into a special poor snowflake just like the other 99% of them)

oh and let’s fuck up the story even more and give everyone what they want when it comes to ships so in the end no one is satisfied because the story just fucking sucks and doesn’t make sense. (“teens are dump lolz” - Daron Nefcy, in the voice of her prophet Ponyhead, probably)

to make things better they also provided “correction” to every major complaint angry fans had in the past so we wasted even more time on pointless things like “blood moon doesn’t really do anything and they erased memories so see? need to fall in love together again but properly” or some bad quality earth time with things like 1 second ‘jackie is back only gay now marco so sorry that he was so stupid uh oh’

also the ghosts of all queens seem happy to destroy their life’s work bubbling mambo jambo that turns all magic into corrupted goo... wait, just like THAT? was that like a common knowledge how to destroy magic an essence that flows into every fucking magical universe? Funny. And everything goes boom, the end of show, even though magic is still there. Meanwhile Toffee had to corrupt magic without magic in him and when magic turned into goo he actually became a part of it (cleaved with...) and still hadn’t destroyed it completely because he kept part of it. The real explanation for this and his methods would have been cool, also his backstory, but instead... “Toffee was right, surprise lolz” WHAAAT???  NO, he was NOT in the right and deserved no such apologies from his enemies and other more peaceful monsters who wished for unity. He was The Force Of Evil probably wishing for imperial lizard dominance

and Magical Commission... given by their blue omnipotent-father an uneasy task of guarding over magic and the multiverse... then completely abandoned by said father who consistently doesn’t give a crap about many many things... I smell tragic backstory and dramatic family reunion maybe. What happened to those guys again? Death! No redemption, no honor in the end, and nobody cares because they’ve already been associated with “racism” ... when concerning certain matters of previous seasons but truth be told they had their reasons, they are not dumbasses, they are pretty smart actually (remember how monsters were actually monsters and Globgor a fire breathing abomination with little devil minions? and he ATE that one king in fury???) But nope, they are just completely in the wrong now and irredeemable (not just misguided). And their father just lolz his way throughout the entire show and even manipulates young toffee into becoming the magic hater he has become later in the future, with one or two “decent” helpful deeds perhaps but yeah.. that’s not much really... seriously, are they kidding me, no resolution here ? no story here? no real drama here? no one talks back to the blue guy with tons of anger in their voice?

Star vs really deserved better, just... it’s so damn sad

also, did you know the person responsible for lore was no longer credited in episodes of S4? yeah hmm, weird. maybe because there was no longer any real lore left... and the show in S4 completely ignores most of the brilliant behind-the-historical-scenes from the Magic Book of Spells that came out before S4 - the one true successor to Seasons 1-3

also, hey, there was She-Ra show with explicit lgbt nodes and some racist themes... but it was perfect, realized its potential to the fullest, never deviated from what it embarked to do and never ever sacrificed its established lore and character arcs for it - the world and decent story were the cornerstones (the payoffs were all there!), while that other stuff was a bonus and it worked so damn well. glad today’s shows mostly follow the same suit and don’t forget their world-building and arcs

[thewaweru]

A MESSAGE TO ALL KENYANS: Citizentvkenya Inooro TV KTN Home NTV Kenya KBCKenya BBC URDU Kameme Tv Kenya Jambo-TV Jeff Koinange State House Kenya You are a Luo and am a Kikuyu , She is a Luhya and he is a Kalenjin. Uhuru is the President, Raila the opposition leader, Ruto the Deputy President while Orengo overturned Wetangula.as the Minority leader. By their standards, you are poor and I am poor. Each one of them is wealthy. They call each other "brother." Every time they meet, they hug. According to them, we have many things in common; Poverty, Ignorance, Stupidity, Blind Fanaticism, Short memory and are willing slaves. The fact that I come from Deputy presidents turf does not make me better than you. Neither does coming from opposition region make you worse than me. We all face insecurity, Corruption, Unemployment and we all feel the pinch in the rise of cost of living. When we seriously fall ill, our families have no choice but to chose between death or going bankrupt. Whether in Nyeri, Kisumu, Machakos, Eldoret or Busia, Most families are struggling to choose between paying school fees or going to bed half hungry. We all struggle to survive, regardless of our so called tribes or Tribal Kings. And when elections come, they incite us against one another. When the fighting starts, they get protection from state securities and police. Others hire private security to guard their homes and families,but who guards you and me?? We have to stand up and be our brother's keeper!!! Look back at 2007 - 2008 Post Election violence!!! DEAR KENYANS, WAKE UP! Folks!! These guys are in bed together. You don't believe it?? Check this one out!! In 2007; Raila, Ruto and Duale were in the same camp. Likewise, Uhuru, Wetangula and Kalonzo were on the other. Come 2013, Uhuru, Ruto and Duale were on one side while Raila, Kalonzo and Wetangula were on the other, 2017 and now 2022 formation are going on. SO WHAT CHANGED????? Same monkeys but different forest. The day we start thinking beyond our tribes, we shall make this country a better place where there is no room for "Mtu Wetu." Friends, it starts with you and me. It is time for you and me to start hugging and thinking t https://www.instagram.com/p/CcvUCzOsqTa/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[nickyschneiderus]

Benghazi survivor suspended from Twitter after mocking liberals

Kris Paronto, a U.S. Army Ranger and former CIA security contractor, was suspended from Twitter on Sunday over hateful speech directed toward a liberal organization.

Paronto, an active Twitter user, jumped on a thread by former Navy SEAL Robert O’Neill mocking the liberal organization’s account for saying former President Barack Obama killed Osama bin Laden. O’Neill has claimed he fired the shot that killed the al-Qaeda leader in 2011.

Paronto responded in a now-deleted Tweet saying: “OMG ??!! Did you just tell the guy who Shot Bin Laden that @BarackObama did it ?? BWAHAHAHA. Thank you for verifying that BHusseinObama worship and TDS causes liberalists to skip retard and go straight to potato. #YouAreAnIdiot #NeverGoFullRetard.”

The next morning, Paronto said he had been suspended for the tweet, writing that the 12-hour suspension was “liberal hypocrisy and conservative censorship on full display” by the social media platform.

KrisParonto/Twitter

Liberal Hypocrisy and Conservative censorship on full display …. again

… this is getting old @jack & @Twitter

#Liars #DoubleStandard #LiberalismIsAMentalDisorder https://t.co/BAtRmnJcbv

— Kris Paronto (@KrisParonto) September 9, 2018

The ex-Army Ranger also posted an Instagram post about the suspension, saying in the caption, “we have the right to free speech but only if it fits the leftists’ narrative.” Twitter and the company’s CEO, Jack Dorsey, have in recent months been accused by high-profile conservatives of shadowbanning right-wing accounts (Twitter denies doing so).

View this post on Instagram

The look you make when you’re tired, sitting at the airport waiting for a flight and you see your @twitter account has been suspended for calling out a liberal hate group and their dumbass comments

….yes boys and girls …. and leftists , we have the right to free speech but only if it fits the leftists narrative, doesn’t show their stupidity and ignorance and most importantly doesn’t hurt their fragile little egos . #twittersucks #snowflakes #liberalismisamentaldisorder #doublestandard #liberalhypocrisy #nevergofullretard #firstammendment #kpi #truth #tanto #therangerway #rltw #jambo #neverquit #john1513 @maximdefense @vertx_official @morgantiming @fortscottmunitions @americanmilitarynews @realtree.fishing

A post shared by Kris Paronto (@kris_paronto_tanto) on Sep 9, 2018 at 9:01am PDT

Paronto stirred more controversy during an interview with Fox & Friends on Sunday where he said he wanted to “choke” Obama over his comments on the 2012 Benghazi attacks.

During a speech on Friday at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Obama criticized President Donald Trump’s responses to the Benghazi investigation and called it a “wild conspiracy.” Paronto was part of the team that responded to the Benghazi attacks, which left four Americans dead. 

“It’s disgusting,” Paronto said. “It just raises the bile inside of me. I had a hard time just watching the speeches. I just wanted to see what he had to say. And when that came across, I just wanted to reach through the screen and just grab him—grab him and choke him.”

Paronto later tweeted a sarcastic apology to Obama supporters and thanked Donald Trump Jr. for his criticism of Obama’s remarks.

My fault, thank @DonaldJTrumpJr for clarifying BhusseinObama’s remarks

….. and thank you @realDonaldTrump for raising a son who loves this great nation

#attentiontodetail

— Kris Paronto (@KrisParonto) September 10, 2018

H/T Daily Mail

from Ricky Schneiderus Curation https://www.dailydot.com/layer8/benghazi-survivor-suspended-twitter/

[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins

Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.

ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.

Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.

This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.

Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.

RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!

We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!

Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.

Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.

Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.

Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.

REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:

THE FIRST DATE RULES

Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.

This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.

For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.

My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)

Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.

Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.

Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)

Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.

BACK TO THE HOUSE

The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.

Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.

Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*

Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.

Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.

Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.

Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.

Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.

MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.

Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.

Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.

GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!

They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.

Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.

Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.

Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.

Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.

Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.

MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.

Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.

Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.

Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic

Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.

Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.

THE DATE

Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.

Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.

GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!

Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.

Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.

Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.

Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.

MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.

Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.

The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.

*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*

They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.

And lookie here: No match. So thats done.

Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.

Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.

We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.

Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.

MATCH CEREMONY

This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.

First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.

Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.

Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.

Casandra picks Kaylen.

Caroline picks Joey.

Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.

Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.

Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.

Hannah picks Michael.

Alicia picks Andre.

Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.

Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.

Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.

Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.

So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

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from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins