#JAMBO STUPID GUY!!!!!

[rocals]

also yes jambo chicken soup please don't ask why i have so many of these saved

some of you "recovered mcyt" bloggers are not looking that recovered.

[777nicetits]

She leaned back on her chair, legs coming up to her chest as the robotic voice read the most recent donation out loud.

makegatoradethicker sent $10

how is living with schlatt like?

The girl had a sweet smile on her face as she heard the TTS go off. "Thank you for the ten dollars!" She looked up at the camera. "How is living with Schlatt like?" She repeated the question, taking a moment to think about it. "It's pretty nice. He's pretty chill. Jambo and the little guy are definitely the best part of it though."

Her eyes went off to her second monitor, hugging her legs as she read chat.

🜲 brinzioo tell us moreeeee

harriscamm thats it???

🜲 ✪ joliieeee no fun!!!! tell us the teeeaaaa

“The tea? There’s no tea.” She laughed it off. “Okay, I’ll tell you guys this. I…” She paused for a second or two, for the dramatics of it, “Have been on a mission recently. I’ve been trying to make Schlatt eat more vegetables and fruits.”

She chuckled, watching as her chat laughed along with her.

“I already got him to try some little carrot snacks. Which were like, carrot slices with some honey, some chili pepper sprinkled on it and a side of Brazilian style seasoned mayonnaise.” She lifted her right hand closer to the camera, thumb up. “He really liked it! He ate like a full bowl. And, uh, yesterday for dinner I tried a new hidden chicken recipe that my mom sent me and, I don’t think he knows that,” she snickered, hand coming up to her mouth, “There was some broccoli in there, and he ate it all. So,” she shrugged, her lips turning into a straight line, “A win is a win, I guess.”

🜲 ✪ joliieeee omg girl 😭 you make it sound like he’s a little toddler

She laughed loudly at the comment, reading it out loud for the whole stream. “Honestly? He kinda gets my maternal instincts acting up sometimes. Like, he’s not stupid, but sometimes he’ll do something or say something and I’ll be like… ‘My brother in Christ, how’d you get this far?’”

chiklittle schlatt himbo comfirmed?????

🜲 chiquitamalassa KEKW

🜲 christiantryhard did bro just get sonzoned????

✪ jajajeny that is an insane sentence u just said KEKW

🜲 ☯︎︎ ♐︎ ✪ candidcandance when he makes ur maternal instincts act up >>>>

She was having the time of her life reading her chat. The second those words left her mouth she knew it’d get clipped, twitter is about to have a field day with this one.

“Okay guys, enough, enough. He’s gonna be so mad at me, you guys will have me kicked out.”

🜲 ☯︎︎ ♐︎ ✪ candidcandance he’d never kick you out bc that means he’ll have to go back to taking care of himself on his own

That made her chuckle, but her smile was quick to fade once the TTS went off once again.

jschlatt donated $100

I can’t believe you put broccoli in my food, mommy. I’ve

never felt so betrayed in my whole life.

She faced the camera, making direct eye contact with the lens as she tried her best to keep a straight face, failing miserably. She didn’t even wanted to look at chat right now. And even if she did, she wouldn’t be able to make anything out by how fast it was going.

“Mods, ban this weirdo!”

tried something here, ngl i really like it.

[know-its-for-the-better]

living w schlatt hcs

guys im down so bad this week and with today's p.o. unboxing i fear it only got worse. anyways i just had a bunch of thoughts ab what it would be like to live w schlatt while y'all are dating. so these are my hcs. (also i am like incredibly new to writing original material so lmk if this is any good fr)

-this is not the first or last time this will be said but this man is an ass grabber. as soon as he knows it's something you're okay with? he's doing it. not in public, bc in my head he's not big on PDA, but when you're at home? every time he passes by you it's a grab of the ass and a big cheesy grin and he sometimes even a kiss on the cheek

-again, not the first time anyone has mentioned this, but this man is giant. 6'4. so he's def a big fan of the hug from behind. he likes to tower over you and kiss the top of your head. whether you're cooking, cleaning, looking out the window, or admiring jambo on his cat tree; he will come up and squeeze you into a hug from behind with no warning.

-"toots, come here rq" just to ask for a kiss while he's working or editing. simply as motivation to keep going. he says "it's like a reward" and you happily oblige.

-since he doesn't really stream anymore, he doesn't play a lot of video games, but when he does, he lets you sit in his lap as long as you sit still and don't distract him... (obviously you do sometimes... not your fault you have needs and he looks so cute when he's focused...)

-the drunk chuckle sandwich episode had me thinking about you playing bartender for him and making him different drinks to try since he usually just drinks straight from the bottle. he would say some shit like "i'm ngl i didn't know you could make it taste that good." bc nobody ever really bothered to make him try different cocktails until you

-super domestic dancing in the kitchen to old music. duke ellington and etta james and all different kinds of jazz and old love songs, it doesn't matter bc he is spinning you around and kissing you softly as it plays in the background while he sings to you.

-not to be cringe but he would sooo be into that thing those couples do when the smaller partner says "uppies!" and then the other one picks them up. except it would just be a look you give him and putting your arms out with a grabby motion and he would know.(bc im sorry the thought of saying uppies makes me wanna gag) he would pick you up and carry you around like a koala with your legs wrapped around his torso AND he's happy to do it. but just at home bc like i said he's not really into pda.

-he would so take candid pics of you at golden hour. you'd just be in the living room looking out the window with jambo or {redacted} and admiring the sunset and next thing you know there's a disposable camera or the little girl camera right in your face. he would so say some stupid shit to get you to laugh and then snap the picture. but once he gets one, you force him to hop in the frame while holding the other cat so you can get a cute little family pic while the lighting is good. obviously, you made it your background within the next ten minutes. and he made his background the candid picture of you the second he got the pictures onto his phone.

ok so hi!! i hope these fed you a little im so incredibly new to this whole writing thing but this was a lot of fun for me so if you have any suggestions i think my ask box is open? idk how those work but im sure i can figure it out. thanks for reading i know i yapped quite a bit LMAO

[ohbabydollie]

dollie i know you said no more schlatt but you're my fav schlatt writer and the only person i'd trust with this idea🫣

cheesy christmas cards/photoshoots with schlatt and the cats, with the tacky costumes and everything, the cliche poses, just funny cringe stuff. it becomes sort of an inside joke, and a yearly tradition, and it continues even after you guys have kids, putting them in the silly matching costumes

that is all, living for your ted era, because i'm obsessed with him too

-all my love, 🌠

*sigh* even when i came close to quitting he still haunts me /j

schlatt has everything planned out, from the theme of the christmas card to the outfits. schlatt hires a professional photographer to take the photos of you and the cats.

he spends a good two hours getting the tiny custom made sweaters onto jambo and [redacted] and trying to get them to keep it on for the photo. tiny cat santa hats, he goes all the way for these photos.

he even makes you do your hair in a 80’s poofy, curly, over sprayed style with the ugliest sweater you have ever laid your eyes on to match. schlatt is dressed to match you and is stoked to take the photos.

he wears his glasses and sits in a chair so you can put your hands on his shoulder and lean on him in that christmas card pose. he holds the cats as they start to try and take off their sweaters and he makes sure to pick out the worst possible photo out of all of them.

one where you’re not looking at the camera as [redacted] starts to hiss, jambo is getting ready to jump off his lap and schlatt is giving the biggest, psychotic smile known to man to the camera as the chaos starts around him.

he loves that picture and reposts it every single Christmas alongside the other pictures that show the chaos unfolding.

with kids it only gets better (or worse depending on how you see it), he picks the theme based on the classics from how the grinch stole christmas to a christmas story. they’re often the worst and best photos people have ever seen.

from your baby’s first christmas, schlatt dressed as the grinch, you as martha may and your poor little cindy lou who sobbing her eyes out as her dad holds her on her lap

all the way to their teenage years, your oldest dressed in ralph’s bunny onesie, youngest in a thick red coat with a scarf barely letting them peak through to look at the camera, you holding a turkey about to fall out of the tray and you husband holding that damn leg lamp.

he loves looking back on the photos from your first christmas together to the most recent, he puts them up as soon as thanksgiving is over and doesn’t take them down until after new years. he absolutely loves the stupid photos no matter how cringey they may look, he always finds a way to make them worse every year and sends them out to his friends just in time for the beginning of the christmas season

[nvmadic]

schlatt in the new video talking to jambo in a softer voice 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 and when he crumbles from seeing a cute cat. sorry im whipped

this guy is such a big softie/teddy bear. puts on the all big and mighty, abrasive and sarcastic act until he folds over.

imagine him just turning off his stream. “i’ve had enough of your stupid tiktoks and stop tryin’ to send me the recipe to meth otherwise i’ll get banned you fuckin’ assholes. alright, see ya’ later fuckwits,” he remarks rather sternly as he slumps back in his seat, pressing the end stream button. he throws his head back as he sighs before he eventually gets up and trudges around the apartment to find you. his gaze softening once he does, his eyes stumbling on you curled up in bed as he had not even realised how late it had gotten.

“sorry, angel, if i’d’a known you were in here lookin’ all cute i’d have come off sooner,” he coos, his voice gentle and somewhat hoarse from shouting at his chat for the past couple of hours. unable to resist the urge to snuggle up beside you on the bed, he pulls you into his embrace immediately enveloping you with his arms. “mm, gorgeous,” he breathily mumbles against your skin, instantly calmed by your presence.

[starryseth]

It's been a minute since I posted something so here's some cute head cannons for my favorite DSMP boys <3

Jschlatt

Okay so Jschlatt is 100000% a secret romance kinda guy. He loves the mystery and gets a thrill out of keeping a secret. He may seem like an open kinda person but when it comes to his s/o he likes to keep it private. That's probably why his fans and friends didn't know he had a partner until they got married

He used to be on a community baseball team and each game he would give you his hat to wear because he believed that you were his good luck charm. So when you were sick for the big game, he quit because he wouldn't have any luck and he would feel like the reason they lost.

He finds it adorable when he ends a late night stream and he crawls to the bedroom and finds you cuddled with Jambo.

He can't say no to you. Like at all. So when you ask to do his hair and makeup he agrees. He loved the way you looked so happy with your work and he wouldn't mind letting you do it again just to see you have a sense of accomplishment. Don't ask him about it though. He'll deny it.

Sapnap

Sapnap loveesssss to show you off. Like legit. In the group chat with the rest of the boys sap is constantly talking about you. They are tired of it

I believe he is a Pyro. Like anything and everything to do with fire and he's in so you constantly have to keep an eye on him. Granted he is very safe with fire but still. (Don't play with fire it's very dangerous)

He is actually very neat and organized. He has all of his and your clothes arranged in order of colors. In rainbow order of course. He also has the same hoodie in several different colors.

He gets frustrated easily so he is constantly doing things that he likes. One of those things is coloring. H loves to sit down with you and just be a kid again. You guys have a drawer in your room filled with kids coloring books and coloring supplies.

Karl

Karl loves when you play with his hair. Original I know. But it just makes him melt when you start to braid his hair or just testing new hair styles on him.

I believe that he loves being your Guinea pig for new recipes that you make if you like to cook. Anything you make for him is made from love. He genuinely almost cried when he was sick and he tried some of the soup you made and it tasted just like the soup his mom made him when he was younger

He lives to be around people. All day everyday it is energy but during the peaceful moments you guys go out and play mini golf or go to cafes to try new things. He loves your little adventures.

Karl adores playing games with you. His two loves in life are you and video games. He had you help him out with the tales of the SMP so it would be fun. It was actually inspired by a stupid convo you guys had over a dinner date.

Wilbur

Wilbur will absolutely sing you to sleep. Personally I have nightmares and I can certainly see him just being like "oh love, it's alright. Come here and just close your eyes." And he just hums and sings everything he lives about you while you fall back asleep

Every gig he doesn't with the band he has you in the front row or off to the side of the stage so when the band needs water, you can give it to them. Everyone loves you from the band and appreciates your company.

Tommy is like Wilburs younger brother. Everyone knows this. You are like the peace keeper between the two. They often squabble and when they do you grab one ear of each and make them apologize. They immediately do because they know if they don't they'll be put in the get along shirt.

Wilbur can be kinda insecure. He doesn't believe that he can be good enough for you so on those days you baby him. He taught you to play guitar so you sing to him. Even if you may not sound the best while singing, he enjoys the love that you both have.

Charlie

During days when he's doing chuckle sandwich he makes non stop dad jokes. Like it's bad. It's like it's his ritual to get ready. Like take his little book of jokes away from him.

He is a giant goofball all the time. He loves making people laugh and enjoys seeing you smile along at his dumb attempt of making a new language called "slimenican"

When he was doing gen loss you thought his slime monster character was just an evil version of his Minecraft character and picked on him for it. He didn't understand what you meant until he saw the first episode and then it clicked.

[asoulofatlantis]

Thanks to the warning, the reaction was much better and faster this time...

We are still all screaming it seems ^^'

This time we are! But uh.... I think some of our friends are going to kill us very soon ^^'

I have to go to the Grand Circuit Area later one, for an optional scene that I was working towards ever since I've started this game. But first things first...

Well... we survived the car accident. We won't survive whats coming next tho.

Still alive, even after Kasims attack... but I doubt that our luck will last much longer ^^' After all, this isn't the first time that this guy causes us a dead end.

This is really getting out of hand here. Were are we 15 or 16? Urg... O don't want to start counting again. Maybe I should just give up on counting at this point ^^' Were likely to reach at least 20 death ends if it goes on like this.

I get that they excuse that with the hole "erosion" - thingy, but they come up with more and more stupid stuff at time goes by. Us killing Cao was hardly believable, but could have happened by accident or due to some interference from the Twins when "helping" us. The whole domestic violence thing hardly made any sense, given that Paulette barely even knew the man in question. They really should have come up with something better for this one. Celis story, as Van said himself, could have been true if things would have gone wrong at some point and the church knight guy or whatever wanted to kill us for ages, so fine. But Kasim and Feri believing we worked with Almata after we were the one who beat them is just absolutely ridicioulus.

This is the same person who was willing to let his body be destroyed to save Quatre and you are going to tell me some magic mambo jambo (I guess my inner Kaiba-Fangirl is coming through here... but still!) is able to alter her memories in a way that now she sees him and anyone else as enemys who actually have sided with A AND been involved in the destruction of Creil-Village, even tho Vans best friend Dingo was killed in that damned disaster? Are you joking?

Is he here to help us? So... ne dead end this time?

Were saved! Hurray! (Seriously, at this point I owe this girl and Elaine so much, I feel bad for having some qualms with them ^^')

I couldn't agree more. We are in big trouble.

That damn Shizuna noticed that something was off, but instead of warning us, she walked straight into that trap with us...

She has totally lost me here. Did I forget a part of her story?

He did what? I am still so damn confused.

[simpliao]

ultimately ; (irl) schaltt x reader

summary : schaltt reminisces upon a lost love

info : based off of the song with the same name by khai dreams, prepare for angst, swearing, and reader with she/her pronouns,

a/n : i'm new to tumblr, but i thought my profile was kinda bland and needed a post or something. hopefully you enjoy my attempt at an angst one-shot !

Ultimately: what would be inevitable when the story comes to its final phrase, its end. Schlatt was sure he knew what was his inevitable: marrying the girl he loved. The woman that he'd held for so many nights, cuddling with stupid ass movies serving the couple as background noise whilst the orange tabby laid close by. Just standing where it all used to happen, from when in the early morning she'd force him awake to eat breakfast, to the late evenings where the light of their electronics highlighted the pair's features. Eyes half lidded, like phantoms inhabiting his home, he could still see her figure glowing from the morning light, or bent over laughing like the idiot he loved and adored.

He had to tear his eyes away from his own home, what used to be shared between the two: their home. Her belongings long since swept off the shelves, the lack of dust showing the outlines of where her touch was present. The apartment being in a suffocating silence, a lack of her presence was painfully apparent. Jambo, as brainless as he was, could feel the change and was reduced to mopping around the entrance; waiting for his mom to come home.

But she wouldn't ever be coming back.

Running a hand through mousy, caramel coloured locks, all he could do was let a heavy sigh leave his throat; attempt to keep up his tough guy persona and not let the welling tears fall beyond the brim of his eyes. How would Jambo cope with not having the mother he'd known since adoption? Hell, how would Schlatt cope not having her to be his backbone? The central supporting beam of his whole damn life?

He didn't know, and he didn't know when, or if, he ever would.

Just seeing his little man sit in front of the door, eyes droopy like he was on the verge of sleep but continuing to fight it; not daring to blink and miss her. Dejected mewls escaped him, as if a last ditch plea for Y/n to come back home. He just couldn't take seeing him in such a state, retreating to their once shared office space. The bedroom was too much for him to enter at the minute. Waking up to her side of the bed less sunken in every morning, with her scent slowly disappearing and the cool chill nevermore holding her warmth. The lack of her items that he once chastised for how childish or cute stupid they were; he missed. He missed her and the ungodly amount of stuffed animals that all had their own names and backstories.

The lack of her made the apartment they once bitched and complained about for how small it was seem so impossibly large. The space she took up, literally and figuratively, made him realize that without her left an inconceivable void; one that he was grasping at straws to fill. Just pushing the door open to their shared office/study space made his blood run cold. The desk that rested at the other side of the room horribly bare as if she was never there.

Solemnly, he took a seat in his chair, letting himself sink into it; no clear idea of what to do next in his mind. He couldn't work, no, not when he was like this. Neither was he in the mood to cheer himself up, for the next foreseeable future it seemed as if he would be stuck.

But one day we'll be okay.

Her voice of reassurance pierced through his mind, a reminder she made sure to instil before they parted ways. It repeated and echoed off the corners of his mind, she was so sure as she spoke with those doe eyes glossy with tears. He loved those eyes. And he loved the way she'd always assure him, comfort him through his darkest hours and be the light that lead him through. The light, with its solace and warmth, would be there no matter how far down he fell from grace; or so he thought.

The universe worked in funny ways, notably how he always managed to get the short end of every stick. It was why he supposed he hated his clean shaven face. It reminded him that underneath whatever he may use to mask who he was: he would forever be that frightened teenage boy. The past was something he refused to ever dwell on, but now, possibly suffering the worst blow of his entire life? He couldn't help but feel the suffocation of bad luck. Maybe he was never destined to be truly happy, and that's why despite the both of them completing each other in all the best ways; it was the case of the right person, wrong time.

She was always dedicated to her schooling, he was anxious at the idea of commitment; their relationship didn't work for what they wanted in the minute. She was ready to settle down with him and the thought genuinely scared him. He was barely mid-twenties, he wanted to go out and have his fun but she was too busy to do that kind of thing; neither was she really into it. Her constant studying and strive to her passion made him feel second, never being her number one priority. Despite what he lets on, Schlatt is a soul that suffered from those kind of insecurities. He was too needy for her to handle, and when he let her have her space all it did was leave him feeling unwanted.

The decision to end it was mutual between both parties, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. Regardless of how badly his chest constricted and yearned, no, begged for him to call her up, he knew better. It would only make letting go harder, at least for now, it wasn't meant to be. The wandering thought of if he ever meant the same to her crossed his mind, was she hurting as much as he was?

Yet still, he was sunken in the same old chair he always had been, tears having fallen without his knowledge or consent. He was never favoured by fate, and regardless he still silently prayed to whatever force out there that they'd have a second chance when the time would be right. He'd get whatever it was he needed to out of his system, and despite how selfish, wished that she'd be single and ready when he'd be. That they could pick up where it was once left off. Where he could have his larger frame wrap around her and once again be able to call her 'mine'.

But until that time should come, if ever, he'd be condemned to be alone... Again.

Just how it's always been.

[charspnp]

hiiii !!! hope you are having a great day !! can i request “person a making a playlist for person b without their knowledge”, person a being schlatt, person b being fem reader ? :) my idea for da plot is that they are friends and making a cute n romantic playlist is schlatt’s idea of making a move on her ? thank you in advance and again i hope you have a great day !! love ur writing !!!

this is so stupid, schlatt kept trying to convince himself, adding yet another old, cheesy love song to the ever-growing playlist. shaking his head, he dragged his hands down his face. why the hell is he even doing this in the first place? it’s stupid, so, so stupid. looking back up at his computer screen, he looked over the songs he added to the playlist. there were about 20 songs, adding up to a little over an hour. he let his eyes drift to the left where jambo sat on his cat tower, watching him, judging him almost.

“the hell do you want, you little shit?” schlatt grumbled at the feline.

as if understanding what he said, jambo turned on his other side and stretched. now facing the window, he laid his head down to take a nap. schlatt grumbled lowly to himself again in frustration. if he stopped right now, deleted the playlist, you’d be none the wiser. it’s not like you knew what he was even doing in the first place. making a playlist for you was originally a fleeting thought, a small thing he pondered over after seeing people making a playlist for their own loved ones. not like you were his loved one. you two were just friends, a fact he was reminded of each time the two of you would speak to each other.

as he glared at the playlist, an alarm on his phone went off - he has to help someone record. dismissing the alarm, he exited out of spotify, trying to clear his head and get into character before joining a call with his friends.

schlatt didn’t get alone time until way later that night. between recording with his friends, recording for himself, and editing, he hadn’t gotten a chance to think about the playlist he was working on. that was, until he opened spotify to try and relax. he zoned out as he waited for the app to load and when he zoned back in, the playlist was glaring at him, taunting him. he was immediately whipped back into the mood he was in whilst making said playlist. annoyed. annoyed with himself. why can’t he just say he likes you like a normal person? why does he have to make you jump through hoops to try and figure it out?

he’s embarrassed. that’s why. embarrassed because the jschlatt has a silly little crush on someone. what is he, a stupid middle schooler again? he sighed out in frustration, much like he did earlier that day. his knee started bobbing, his thoughts racing more and more the longer he started at the playlist.

“for y/n”

without thinking (or because he couldn't stop thinking), he reached forward, grabbing his mouse. he clicked on the playlist and copied the link to it. he navigated his way to discord and into your guys’ dm’s. he paused as he saw the last messages the two of you shared:

night, schlatt, sleep well, love you! :)

yeah yeah you too

taking a deep breath, he pasted the link in the message bar. he paused again, wondering if this was actually a good idea. he sighed and shook his head, raising his hand to delete the message. right as he went to do so, jambo suddenly jumped onto his desk in hopes of getting attention. as he walked forward, he stepped on schlatt’s keyboard, pressing a couple keys in the process.

“jambo!” schlatt berated as he picked up the kitten, holding him up to his face so he could look into his wide eyes, “what the hell, man, you coulda really -”

schlatt stopped himself mid-sentence as his focus was suddenly turned to the screen behind jambo’s head. the little gremlin didn’t like how the attention wasn’t on him anymore as he meowed and tried to push his face against his owner’s. preoccupied, said owner just set him down, eyes glued to his monitor. fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. what the hell man! even though he was thinking about it, it’s not like schlatt was actually going to send the playlist to you! but now he did. the deed was done. he couldn’t just delete the message, you’d still get the notification and you'd definitely ask him about it. before he could think too much more into it, schlatt surged forward and turned off his computer. he pushed himself away from his desk, eyes wide and felt growing hotter by the second.

he slipped the headband out of his wavy hair and ran a hand through it. he sat there for a second, completely still with his fingers in his hair and forehead resting on his palm. he was broken out of his distressed trance when jambo meowed again at him. schlatt took a deep breath and ignored jambo’s cries for attention, opting to walk out of his recording room and into bed to try and sleep it off, deal with it in the morning.

-----

schlatt didn’t get much sleep. from his nervousness from how you’d react to jambo continuously meowing at him due to the lack of attention, schlatt laid awake, staring idly at the ceiling until he eventually fell asleep. he was awoken by the sound of his phone ringing, way too loud in his ear. not bothering to check who was calling, schlatt picked it up, expecting it to be a spam call.

what he wasn’t expecting, however, was your loud voice to exclaim, “schlatt!” right into his ear.

“fuckin - what?” he responded annoyed at being yelled at first thing in the morning. and that’s when he remembered. the playlist. there’s no way you’re not calling him about it.

“what the hell is this?” you asked, quieter upon hearing his groggy voice, knowing you had woken him up.

playing innocent, schlatt responded with, “what the hell is what?”

“this playlist.”

oh he’s most certainly fucked now. turning to lay on his back, he draped an arm over his eyes, part of him hoping that’d be enough to shield him from this embarrassing situation.

“just that. a playlist,” he responded carefully.

“well, yeah, but it’s, like...” you paused, searching for the right words.

“like what?” if he were sitting in a seat, he’d be on the edge of it, the anticipation killing him. he wasn’t sure if you liked it or not, your tone remaining mostly… curious.

“romantic. and shit,” you finally concluded, voice softer.

“yeah. what about it?” he was becoming defensive, ready for you to end your friendship right then and there.

but, you only chuckled. “it’s cute,” you teased.

okay. schlatt definitely wasn’t expecting that answer. he took his arm away from his face and moved it behind him, pushing himself to sit upright. eyes wide and face feeling hotter than ever, he responded, “c-cute?” he cursed himself inwardly for stuttering.

you chuckled again, “yeah. ‘s cute. i’d never expect something like this from you, schlatt,” - he didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing - “but i can’t say it’s unwelcomed. shall i make you a cheesy playlist in return?”

deciding you had enough fun with your teasing, schlatt gained confidence and responded, “only if you let me take you out on a date.”

“yeah? i’d love that,” your teasing tone was gone, a soft and genuine one replacing it.

“good. see you on saturday then?”

“see you then, big man.”

and with that, the call was ended. schlatt couldn’t help but stare down at his phone with a lovestruck expression, completely out of character for him, but he couldn’t help it. he felt a presence hop up on his bed and he turned to look at jambo, the culprit of all this, sitting there, looking at schlatt with his bug, dumb eyes. though he was the reason schlatt landed a date with you - someone he’d been pining over for a while, now - he couldn’t help but just -

“fuck off."

----------

intimate actions;; 1k event

prompts / masterlist

[canonurl-archived]

look at this dumb fuck (his name is jambo, he belongs to the guy that played the alcoholic dictator)

ha stupid idiot cat i love him

[sentimental-darkness]

Looking back - S4 of Svtfoe

Oh crap, all you need to do is take a look at today’s Disney shows and not only to realize anti-trump shouting back then destroyed this show good. because nothing “better” than stupid political screaming in the work of kid fantasy fiction right?

crazy overpowered nazi robots follow unstable joke character racist. enabled by one of the wisest/most composed characters on the show but actually supported by many many more, some of them also pretty bright despite some shortcomings

their master plan is to throw all poor monsters off the cliff, oh no! and the power of lgbt rainbow stops them! also everyone is sorry they were idiots but they are still idiots. pony head doesn’t even feel like she is a friend to the main character anymore but she is still there, with a special role in so many episodes, yeah good pacing that’s what we need from the last season WOW

anyway, remember: the world is divided into bad bad bad hateful racists, the bunch of completely brainless idiots who enable them for completely illogical reasons even through they pretty smart and... the only bright side, colorful magical activists with their fists mostly annoying brats now ‘because teens are stupid hey’ but fun fact: they actually used to be bright kids becoming smarter and more mature as the series went on hurray! such improvements!

while the original “racist faction” with its cast of interesting characters (Septarsis, Seth, Toffee) was forgotten because it didn’t really fit the “dump trump stereotype” of today’s racist -> it was more of an “ancient times racist” because they wished for their lizard empire of old and lizard supremacy over their kind also vengeance coz history complicated and bloody. + main character’s ancestors were refugee-conquerors who had to deal with many vicious monsters but also killed some decent ones (which by the way, Glagbor was supposed to represent those two aspects of monsters, but was turned into a special poor snowflake just like the other 99% of them)

oh and let’s fuck up the story even more and give everyone what they want when it comes to ships so in the end no one is satisfied because the story just fucking sucks and doesn’t make sense. (“teens are dump lolz” - Daron Nefcy, in the voice of her prophet Ponyhead, probably)

to make things better they also provided “correction” to every major complaint angry fans had in the past so we wasted even more time on pointless things like “blood moon doesn’t really do anything and they erased memories so see? need to fall in love together again but properly” or some bad quality earth time with things like 1 second ‘jackie is back only gay now marco so sorry that he was so stupid uh oh’

also the ghosts of all queens seem happy to destroy their life’s work bubbling mambo jambo that turns all magic into corrupted goo... wait, just like THAT? was that like a common knowledge how to destroy magic an essence that flows into every fucking magical universe? Funny. And everything goes boom, the end of show, even though magic is still there. Meanwhile Toffee had to corrupt magic without magic in him and when magic turned into goo he actually became a part of it (cleaved with...) and still hadn’t destroyed it completely because he kept part of it. The real explanation for this and his methods would have been cool, also his backstory, but instead... “Toffee was right, surprise lolz” WHAAAT???  NO, he was NOT in the right and deserved no such apologies from his enemies and other more peaceful monsters who wished for unity. He was The Force Of Evil probably wishing for imperial lizard dominance

and Magical Commission... given by their blue omnipotent-father an uneasy task of guarding over magic and the multiverse... then completely abandoned by said father who consistently doesn’t give a crap about many many things... I smell tragic backstory and dramatic family reunion maybe. What happened to those guys again? Death! No redemption, no honor in the end, and nobody cares because they’ve already been associated with “racism” ... when concerning certain matters of previous seasons but truth be told they had their reasons, they are not dumbasses, they are pretty smart actually (remember how monsters were actually monsters and Globgor a fire breathing abomination with little devil minions? and he ATE that one king in fury???) But nope, they are just completely in the wrong now and irredeemable (not just misguided). And their father just lolz his way throughout the entire show and even manipulates young toffee into becoming the magic hater he has become later in the future, with one or two “decent” helpful deeds perhaps but yeah.. that’s not much really... seriously, are they kidding me, no resolution here ? no story here? no real drama here? no one talks back to the blue guy with tons of anger in their voice?

Star vs really deserved better, just... it’s so damn sad

also, did you know the person responsible for lore was no longer credited in episodes of S4? yeah hmm, weird. maybe because there was no longer any real lore left... and the show in S4 completely ignores most of the brilliant behind-the-historical-scenes from the Magic Book of Spells that came out before S4 - the one true successor to Seasons 1-3

also, hey, there was She-Ra show with explicit lgbt nodes and some racist themes... but it was perfect, realized its potential to the fullest, never deviated from what it embarked to do and never ever sacrificed its established lore and character arcs for it - the world and decent story were the cornerstones (the payoffs were all there!), while that other stuff was a bonus and it worked so damn well. glad today’s shows mostly follow the same suit and don’t forget their world-building and arcs

[thewaweru]

A MESSAGE TO ALL KENYANS: Citizentvkenya Inooro TV KTN Home NTV Kenya KBCKenya BBC URDU Kameme Tv Kenya Jambo-TV Jeff Koinange State House Kenya You are a Luo and am a Kikuyu , She is a Luhya and he is a Kalenjin. Uhuru is the President, Raila the opposition leader, Ruto the Deputy President while Orengo overturned Wetangula.as the Minority leader. By their standards, you are poor and I am poor. Each one of them is wealthy. They call each other "brother." Every time they meet, they hug. According to them, we have many things in common; Poverty, Ignorance, Stupidity, Blind Fanaticism, Short memory and are willing slaves. The fact that I come from Deputy presidents turf does not make me better than you. Neither does coming from opposition region make you worse than me. We all face insecurity, Corruption, Unemployment and we all feel the pinch in the rise of cost of living. When we seriously fall ill, our families have no choice but to chose between death or going bankrupt. Whether in Nyeri, Kisumu, Machakos, Eldoret or Busia, Most families are struggling to choose between paying school fees or going to bed half hungry. We all struggle to survive, regardless of our so called tribes or Tribal Kings. And when elections come, they incite us against one another. When the fighting starts, they get protection from state securities and police. Others hire private security to guard their homes and families,but who guards you and me?? We have to stand up and be our brother's keeper!!! Look back at 2007 - 2008 Post Election violence!!! DEAR KENYANS, WAKE UP! Folks!! These guys are in bed together. You don't believe it?? Check this one out!! In 2007; Raila, Ruto and Duale were in the same camp. Likewise, Uhuru, Wetangula and Kalonzo were on the other. Come 2013, Uhuru, Ruto and Duale were on one side while Raila, Kalonzo and Wetangula were on the other, 2017 and now 2022 formation are going on. SO WHAT CHANGED????? Same monkeys but different forest. The day we start thinking beyond our tribes, we shall make this country a better place where there is no room for "Mtu Wetu." Friends, it starts with you and me. It is time for you and me to start hugging and thinking t https://www.instagram.com/p/CcvUCzOsqTa/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[nickyschneiderus]

Benghazi survivor suspended from Twitter after mocking liberals

Kris Paronto, a U.S. Army Ranger and former CIA security contractor, was suspended from Twitter on Sunday over hateful speech directed toward a liberal organization.

Paronto, an active Twitter user, jumped on a thread by former Navy SEAL Robert O’Neill mocking the liberal organization’s account for saying former President Barack Obama killed Osama bin Laden. O’Neill has claimed he fired the shot that killed the al-Qaeda leader in 2011.

Paronto responded in a now-deleted Tweet saying: “OMG ??!! Did you just tell the guy who Shot Bin Laden that @BarackObama did it ?? BWAHAHAHA. Thank you for verifying that BHusseinObama worship and TDS causes liberalists to skip retard and go straight to potato. #YouAreAnIdiot #NeverGoFullRetard.”

The next morning, Paronto said he had been suspended for the tweet, writing that the 12-hour suspension was “liberal hypocrisy and conservative censorship on full display” by the social media platform.

KrisParonto/Twitter

Liberal Hypocrisy and Conservative censorship on full display …. again

… this is getting old @jack & @Twitter

#Liars #DoubleStandard #LiberalismIsAMentalDisorder https://t.co/BAtRmnJcbv

— Kris Paronto (@KrisParonto) September 9, 2018

The ex-Army Ranger also posted an Instagram post about the suspension, saying in the caption, “we have the right to free speech but only if it fits the leftists’ narrative.” Twitter and the company’s CEO, Jack Dorsey, have in recent months been accused by high-profile conservatives of shadowbanning right-wing accounts (Twitter denies doing so).

View this post on Instagram

The look you make when you’re tired, sitting at the airport waiting for a flight and you see your @twitter account has been suspended for calling out a liberal hate group and their dumbass comments

….yes boys and girls …. and leftists , we have the right to free speech but only if it fits the leftists narrative, doesn’t show their stupidity and ignorance and most importantly doesn’t hurt their fragile little egos . #twittersucks #snowflakes #liberalismisamentaldisorder #doublestandard #liberalhypocrisy #nevergofullretard #firstammendment #kpi #truth #tanto #therangerway #rltw #jambo #neverquit #john1513 @maximdefense @vertx_official @morgantiming @fortscottmunitions @americanmilitarynews @realtree.fishing

A post shared by Kris Paronto (@kris_paronto_tanto) on Sep 9, 2018 at 9:01am PDT

Paronto stirred more controversy during an interview with Fox & Friends on Sunday where he said he wanted to “choke” Obama over his comments on the 2012 Benghazi attacks.

During a speech on Friday at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Obama criticized President Donald Trump’s responses to the Benghazi investigation and called it a “wild conspiracy.” Paronto was part of the team that responded to the Benghazi attacks, which left four Americans dead. 

“It’s disgusting,” Paronto said. “It just raises the bile inside of me. I had a hard time just watching the speeches. I just wanted to see what he had to say. And when that came across, I just wanted to reach through the screen and just grab him—grab him and choke him.”

Paronto later tweeted a sarcastic apology to Obama supporters and thanked Donald Trump Jr. for his criticism of Obama’s remarks.

My fault, thank @DonaldJTrumpJr for clarifying BhusseinObama’s remarks

….. and thank you @realDonaldTrump for raising a son who loves this great nation

#attentiontodetail

— Kris Paronto (@KrisParonto) September 10, 2018

H/T Daily Mail

from Ricky Schneiderus Curation https://www.dailydot.com/layer8/benghazi-survivor-suspended-twitter/

[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins

Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.

ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.

Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.

This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.

Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.

RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!

We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!

Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.

Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.

Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.

Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.

REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:

THE FIRST DATE RULES

Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.

This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.

For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.

My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)

Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.

Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.

Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)

Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.

BACK TO THE HOUSE

The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.

Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.

Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*

Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.

Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.

Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.

Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.

Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.

MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.

Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.

Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.

GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!

They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.

Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.

Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.

Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.

Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.

Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.

MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.

Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.

Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.

Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic

Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.

Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.

THE DATE

Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.

Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.

GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!

Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.

Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.

Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.

Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.

MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.

Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.

The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.

*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*

They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.

And lookie here: No match. So thats done.

Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.

Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.

We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.

Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.

MATCH CEREMONY

This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.

First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.

Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.

Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.

Casandra picks Kaylen.

Caroline picks Joey.

Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.

Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.

Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.

Hannah picks Michael.

Alicia picks Andre.

Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.

Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.

Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.

Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.

So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.

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from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins