#It's like happy as lazzaro | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hel-phoenyx · 8 months ago

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Desire, Nru, Universe and Kal @corneille-but-not-the-author 's characters

She's a weird little lady, that one. All in pink and skin subtly revealed, her tiny stature barely reaching my neck, she's looking at me with the interested eyes of a predator that just found his prey.

I don't like those eyes, but they're giving me a damn good hint on her nature. Usually people take me for the predator. Especially right now, with both magic and anger seeping through every hole in my body.

People that can die never consider me their prey, nor their inferior.

It's a goddess. I can hardly guess her nature nor her motive, but I suppose it will be revealed soon enough.

I squint my eyes, look towards her, take advantage of our height difference to try and assert dominance.

She doesn't even flinch.

"Alright. What the fuck am I doing here? And adding to that, WHERE is "here"."

A smile rips through her lips.

"Do you mind not screaming? I have sensitive ears."

Well talk about a first impression. I roll my eyes, crossing my arms on my chest. I'm not even screaming, godsdamnit, I just have a very strong voice. The kind that beams through battlefields.

"Just fucking answer that question."

She laughs, hand in front of her face, her smile still not disappearing.

"What a filthy mouth you have there, Mairù Claro. Did you ever teach yourself politeness?"

"Abyss nope, and certainly not toward goddesses. Can I have a fucking answer now?"

Her eyes gleam with victory.

"They weren't lying, you are a smart one."

Her arms held behind her, she salutes me with a reverence people reserve for their equals.

"I am Desire of Lazzaro, current Queen of Lazzarian principality. And coincidentally, that's where you are. Happy coincidences, ain't it?"

"Principalities are ruled by queens now?"

"Let's just say I had to.... Reinstate old titles."

Not reassuring. And the fact I don't even know that country is not helping. Is it a part of the Paper continent? I thought we were good with Faloi. And worst of all, her tone when she's telling me that is somehow heavier than it needs to be. What old titles? Fuck is happening here?

Like I'd know. I only just got back from a several year long exile, just in time to witness the most disgustingly bucolic scene my eyes have ever seen. Anger fills my heart at the thought, and I restrain a hiss with all my willpower; sadly, it didn't get past her.

"As for what you're doing here... I think you have some sort of idea. Kal'Dithryon was about to kill you. I couldn't let that happen."

Right. I remember now. I was right in the middle of something important and my asshole of a former boss kinda threw some creationnist spells at me. Apparently he's now keen on starting duels on royal grounds, that's damn interesting. Oh how I wanted so badly to thrust a tentacle or two into his sorry ass. Or bones. Whatever.

But killing the queen's new counselor would have earned me the death penalty for sure, and that is in admittance I'd have won. Kal is far from a newbie in magic, and we play on the same field. A duel would make my victory more uncertain than you'd think.

That still doesn't answer my question.

"And you wanted me alive for what?"

Because I'm not stupid, people and especially gods don't save lives with no hidden intentions. There has to be something.

Desire is still smiling, albeit a bit more... Hungrily.

"You are indeed a smart one. I didn't save you from the goodness of my heart, despite how cute you are..."

I grumble at the use of the word I stopped believing a long time ago but she carries on, unfazed.

"... I just need you for several things. First one is easy, just be a mole for me. Spy on your queen, bring me intel, I don't ask for much, I know you're not the Mandate's favorite person..."

She winks, and I shiver. I'm not used to feel terror, but that little woman is making me feel really uneasy.

"The second thing is more important. When the moment comes, and you will recognize it, I'll need you by my side. Sadly I can't say much, a law of the cosmic kind is stopping me, but I will tell you as much as I can, in due time."

Not sure I'll believe it, but eh, loyalty to a kingdom's never been my forte. And I have a... Certain resentment towards the Mandate. So betrayal is not something unforgivable, if only...

"Sounds like you wanna make me your little pocket dog until then, sweetie. And I'm not keen on being kept on a leash."

"Pleaaaase.... I only give leashes to consenting partners, and I wouldn't dare force one on you."

I smile. Magic crepitates between my teeth, ready to strike.

"Cool. Wouldn't want you to discover what it exactly feels like to have a goddess put down."

"Sweettalker. Don't worry, I will not only give you your life in exchange. What about a little deal?"

Deal? She speaks more of my language. I did not usually receive deals in my life. Either I take what I want, or people take what they want from me. Come to think of it, the last person I made a deal with is Kal.

The expression on her face tells me there are things I'd better leave uncovered, but for now, I decide to dare the devil and keep looking that girl in the eyes.

She's still smiling.

"A deal, huh. Like what?"

"Well I am goddess of Desire. As such, of course I know what is the Desire of your heart..."

"Is that supposed to be a pun? Spare me that, please," I grunt, "and get to the point."

"You're a fun breaker. What if I serve you your beloved on a plate, with the deaths of Kal'Dithryon, and Kage and Nru Frosilæn as a bonus? Would that be of interest?"

Well that's getting to the point. I let myself smile, pushing away the very tempting idea; Deals with that kind of entity are often more binding that they appear to be and I don't want to give myself a reason to fight a goddess yet.

"And how would you do that in a way I can't?"

Again she winks. Abyss, she's creeping me out. My body's not supposed to react like that to anyone. I am not supposed to feel fear. Where did all those years of conditioning go?

"Stealthily for starters. No offense to you but you're not exactly sleek in what you want. And how do you think Asura would react if you killed her wife in such an obvious way?"

Good point.

I always was a fast thinker, but now I don't even take the time to reflect before extending my hand.

"Deal. But you let me take care of Kal. Old resentments."

And I'd rather be the one who ends his life. Letting him die without having my part in it would be... Dissatisfying.

She takes my hand and smiles even wider.

"Deal. I'm sure we'll get along smoothly."

I never less believed a lie.

****

She's squirming on the floor of my laboratory, hands and feet tied, a look of pure hatred and terror on her face. But I ignore her easily enough. I have waited enough to see Nru Frosilaen at my mercy for being afraid now.

Why would I be anyway ? All daughter of Death she is, I am a better fighter than her and she knows it. I won't hesitate to kill her and the split second she would take to try and kill me would be far, far more than enough.

Desire is smiling, towering over Nru with a foot on her back. She doesn't even pay attention to the first daughter of the Frosilaen trying so desperately to escape.

"And there she is, the girl in the flesh ! Or bones, I don't know. Daughters of death have a tendency to become lichs. Have I ever told you about the Collector-"

"I don't want to hear a history lesson, sweetheart, I have things to do."

Desire winks at me.

"And an owl to pluck, of course of course! I wouldn't want to slow you down... But no offense to you, it's hard to believe you're motivated if you keep calling me petnames, Mairù, my dear. I'm gonna start to believe I did everything for naught..."

Really ? Goddesses and their tendency to joke around, really I'd never understand that species.

"Don't take this personally, everyone get petnames. They just get meaner if you're being a bitch and I'm seriously considering it."

"Aw, and here I thought we had something special. But what are you gonna do with the owl ?"

I lower my eyes towards said owl, even if she's currently in her human form, disgustingly human features and damning jet black hair that looks so much like Lina's. But while I adored her hair, that feature on Nru only inspires me with sheer hatred.

How dare you look so much like her and take everything when your sister gave me all ?

I'll make you pay. For taking my place, tossing me aside a time too much, and continuing to look at me with those eyes full of fear even after all those months.

I'm sick of people looking at me like a monster. So if they're not gonna change their minds about me, at least I'll give them the show they'll expect.

"None of your business."

"Thought as much. Too bad, I wanted to see that hatred of her face become fear. That would have been simply delicious."

"Whoa there! I'm a monster, not a torturer. I'll be quick, that's all you need to know."

Nru is still squirming, putting in question my resolution to act quickly. If not painlessly. Well, I didn't intend to give her a painless death anyway. I'm not good at that and certainly don't wanna learn.

"What do you have against Nru anyway ?"

Desire shrugs.

"Nothing in particular, but Death and I have history of some sorts. And, well, I do enjoy thorns in my side being pulled off. A daughter of death is a real danger for my current plans."

"Fair enough. Can you go now so I can get down to business ?"

She smiles again, and for a split second I feel my nerves straighten.

"Of course. Good evisceration, dear."

****

I don't remember anything before the point I woke up in the remains of my former confrery building, destroyed Gods know how. But one thing for sure, my body remember that woman.

Not in a weird way. more like in a "I'm not supposed to feel frightened" way. The way people that can kill me are making me feel like.

Fear is not in the natural order of things. I was always more powerful than other people around me. Only exception being Kal. And now, that woman.

And since people can't all be creationnist magicians reputed to be messiahs of a god nobody believes in anymore, I take it this one is a goddess.

She is waiting from me in what looks like a used torture room. Standing on a chair covered in blood, holding a wedding ring in her finger.

"Rings are powerful tools of love, are they not ? This one was made in honor of the love between queen Frosilaen's predecessors. A beauty of a couple, and people killed too soon. But you don't remember that, don't you ?"

I roll my eyes.

"I certainly remember not liking people that talk in riddles."

A laugh escapes from her throat, and she jumps from the chair with a huge, happy smile, taking my hand to guide me towards the inside of the torture room. I don't like that, blood is making me uneasy, tugging at the strings of my broken brain like something I should, or shouldn't, remember.

"Still the same as ever, Mairù ! I'm glad memory loss didn't take that from you."

"You know about my memory loss ?"

She climbs the chair, up now at my eye level.

"Of course I know. How could you forget about me, you... Oh wait, of course you did, since someone took your memories! Silly me!"

Again I hear her laugh, but far, far away in my head where other words she made sound so trivial resonate so harshly.

Took my memories.

So my memory loss WAS artificial.

I don't know many mages able to erase a memory entirely. It could be Kage, with a powerful space-time spell, I know those people mastered that fucking craft. Or Kal. Kal, who described himself as my friend, an old friend, of course he would hide from me that someone took my memory.

And why the actual fuck did people tamper with my brain, godsdamnit ? Can't a guy have autonomy around here ? It's disturbing enough to see people looking at you weird without knowing why !

Something is boiling in me.

I think it's anger.

I hope it's anger.

"... Memories taken away, huh."

"Yeaaaaah. And you didn't even reach the goal I promised you, I feel so guilty for that failure ! And here I thought everything was perfect..."

Her words once again call for an echo in my mind. A goal. I had a goal. Something I desired more than anything in the world...

I remember now.

She's Desire. Goddess of Desire.

And this is definitely not our first meeting.

Probably seeing the light of comprehension in my face, Desire smiles almost wickedly. For a split second, I feel a shiver run down what's left of my spine. That girl could gobble me up so easily. Just a split second...

I shake my head. No time for fear, I may be in front of one of the biggest opportunities in my dump of a life.

"And I guess you can do something about that, sweetheart ?"

She laughs again.

"Oh dear, I haven't heard petnames in so long! And I can do anything people Desire enough..."

"I almost wanted to forget your tendency to do puns around your name."

"You wound me. Do you want your memories back or not ?"

I don't hesitate. Never intended to.

"Yes."

Her eyes burn with a newfound victory.

"Come a bit closer."

Her tone is far more commending than it was before. I'm not one to follow orders, but to my biggest shame I am not in any way able to disobey, and I walk the two, three steps that separate me from the chair she's standing on. From where I am, she's now higher than eye level, and that's highly disturbing : But I don't move, and wait for the next seconds to pass.

She takes my head between her hands. Her eyes didn't leave my face.

"Look at me."

My eyes are riveted on her. I couldn't look away even if I wanted to. Even if all my nerves are screaming to run away, run away before she bites my head off, before that face that is very much too close reaches her goal-

Her voice holds me in place, almost too sultry.

"You don't mind me, do you ? I'll need a bit of... Closure to achieve my goal."

I feel something on my mouth, hot and soft, right after I had the time to nod, and my mind blanks on the only thought that can reach through my brain at the moment.

Did she just give me tongue that little-

I can't finish that sentence. Because at the exact moment her tongue brushes mine something explodes in my brain and it's now only flashes and flashes of pain and screaming.

I see that face I now remember I loathed bringing me to the training grounds. I can feel the spells, my body changing, morphing, despite all my attempts to block it, I feel the magic pulsing in my veins, destroying what's left of the fight. I feel all that magic getting out, hitting the innocent face of a five-year-old I never wanted to hurt. I feel the looks on my face, so full of fear and disgust, so little people wanting to be near me. I feel her kisses and I hear her laugh, right before in my head resonates a "we can't continue like this."

And in the middle of that maelstrom of pain, I see her. Red-headed, beautifully authoritarian, holding my neck like I was naught but a naughty cat in need of a little scolding. I see her in my laboratory while we're sharing a laugh on a reagent that exploded while I didn't want it to, and my face is now covered in bubbles. I see her looking towards me while I explain exactly what pain I'm feeling, those looks I hoped to be understanding but discovered to be longing far too late, and when I realized it, how I wanted so badly to give her back those looks.

I remember the training, even harsher than the first one but this time of my own volition. I remember wanting so hard to become useful to her, to be a man nobody could fear anymore, that she would be proud to love. How I wanted so badly to come back to her and say sorry for everything I failed her for.

I remember coming home far too late.

I remember the black-haired bitch.

I remember the blood on my eyes.

I remember my most precious friend taking my face into his hands.

I remember everything.

The hands around my cheeks are not Kal's. They're Desire, who's stroking my head with an almost worried expression.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

Please make the pain stop.

Please.

Anything.

Anyone...

"Shhhhht. It's okay. Take your time."

The first voice I hear isn't the one I desire the most. It's the one of the goddess that incarnates that desire. She's not here. Of course she's not here. She is in her arms, frolicking, doing gods know what, casting me aside like I was nothing but a fleeting comfort.

Again I am nothing but a fling.

There is only me and Desire in that room.

Whatever that means.

I rip myself off her hands, and lean on the nearest wall, trying to stabilize my breath. I didn't even notice I was breathing like a rabid dog. Godsdamnit, should it always hurt so bad to recover memories ?

Well, considering the nature of the memories, I guess that couldn't be avoided.

It takes a little while to finally regain control of my brain, but when it is finally clearer, Desire is still sitting on the chair, a huge ass smile on her lips. She looks almost too happy.

"Well ? What do we say to our favorite goddess ?"

I laugh almost sincerely.

"Thank you, Desire."

"Good boy. Now what do you intend to do ?"

Thinking doesn't take me long, as usual. I am currently under the biggest cover I can have, and not a lot of people can realize I recovered my memory. Either Kage, but Kage's never here, or Kal. But I know several ways to shut Kal up.

Best take advantage of it.

"Keep a low profile, of course! I am currently innocent like the newborn lamb for them, and I contribute to society! Why would I ruin that?"

"As always, you always choose the smartest move, my dear!"

It's not the most enjoyable one, but well, I know it will pay.

I don't mind playing the long game.

****

It's been a long time since my fucking trial, and Lina's coronation. Twenty years, if I recall. It's a lot, but for Travellers it goes like a second. Especially when you're at the head of a kingdom that needs rebuilding to the core.

Not like I care anyway. But contrary to Lina, who still looks as young as ever while having reached her forties, I feel my end approaching very, very quickly. I'm already at the high average of my species' life expectancy. I don't have much time to spare.

So I'm waiting for the right moment quite expectantly. Even more since Asura married. The pain I felt that day almost broke my vow of laying low, but I held my grounds. In a big part thanks to Desire and the tiny little button-like device now at the back of my head, that strangely helped regulate my emotions easier than I ever did myself.

She promised me only ten years of waiting. We're close to the deadline, and I still haven't heard a peep of that great project, besides the occasional mind conversation. We had a lot of things to do in ten years. For starters, I finally found something about Aelie's disease. I think I can create a vaccine, but I'm not quite sure. The virus is almost godlike, and gods don't like me meddling in their business.

Except Desire, apparently.

Since she's now sat on my fucking chair.

I should be happy to see her, really, I should. But the only thing I can think of is what the fuck girl I litteraly just woke up ???

"Wha- The hell are you doing in my room ???"

She lifts her head from the book she was reading, my research about the vaccine it seems.

"Oh hey Mairù ! Well, I'm trying to understand what you wrote there, but sadly I am no scientist."

"That- That wasn't my fucking question ?"

I say while realising in a split second that like the usual I'm fucking naked. Because of course I sleep naked, clothes are giving me a sensory nightmare. And I usually don't mind it except right now there's a fucking girl in my fucking room and she's the fucking goddess of fucking desire !

"fucking" being the appropriate word considering the look she just gave me. I'm under the feeling she just saw a very yummy plate of ribs that looks a little too eatable to my tastes. Intrigue the First, are goddesses always that horny ???

I blush, and pull back my covers on my chest. Not right now, not for you, and no don't smile more it's only creeping me out!

"Shy, are we ?"

"Can't a man have a right to damn privacy ? Let me put something on, at least, Intrigue the first be sent to Abyss!"

"Of course, of course, go ahead!"

And she

She doesn't move an inch.

Obviously.

I roll my eyes again, trying to not use a flashbang to get my damn privacy. Because that would be hostile, and plus, I'm not sure it works on gods.

"Desire, sweetheart, I meant LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE !!!"

I can't miss her look of disappointment.

"Ohhh, right. Tell me when you're ready, would you ?"

Finally she turns around. I leap out of my bed, keeping my eyes on her, and hurriedly put on underwear and something to become at least a little more decent. Finally, when I've got my blouse on me, I signal Desire I'm now dressed, and she turns around a bit fast for my tastes.

"There you go! Now I can finally give you things to do!"

"Bossing me around, huh ? Never been a fan of that, hon."

"I would never. Except in bed."

My blasé look is, I think, enough of an answer. She laughs a little bit, before standing up.

"But more seriously the plan is almost in place. I just need some elements to make it more believable. Would you be willing to help me ?"

"Depends. On what?"

"Oh, nothing much. Now that I have my best mole implanted on the field, I need him in action. Soon enough a very special event will take place. I need someone that will blow the alarm whistle on it, and it needs to be from the Divine Mandate. Otherwise, they won't be able to participate."

I raise my eyebrow in surprise.

"And you can't tell them ?"

"Nope ! Cosmic law, remember ? It needs to be a Mandatian that discovers the info on their own terms for it to be broken."

Of course it always needs to be convoluted. But I know cosmic bindings quite well. I have studied the case of the Enlightened One in much of my free time because Asura loved that part of history. So I am familiar with promises that bind you by the very law of the universe.

"I see, I see. And you can't drop the documents I'm certainly gonna need on anyone, of course."

"Well, I could, but there is a slight chance it won't work. Nru tried to spill the beans earlier in history but almost died, you know ? She is from Ink, maybe it played a role."

"Not like it would have bothered me."

Desire has a small laugh.

"Of course. Point is, I'm putting every last chance on my side. Your species is Mandatian to the core, you know ? Your kind is only born in that territory, and we never could figure out why. If there is someone that can break that cosmic binding, it's you."

And then again with being a prophet... Well, can't say I'm not used to it. And at least it would be useful for my very own personal goal.

"All right. Where do I need to go to find the precious information I'm supposed to break a cosmic binding around ?"

Desire smiles brightly and jumps towards me.

"Perfect ! Nothing far, don't worry, only in Love's cathedral."

"In where now ?"

My face must be very funny because Desire bursts into laughing almost immediately.

"Don't look so surprised ! Adam kept quite a lot of documents during his reign, on all of the kingdoms including yours. Love's cathedral is the best place to start genuine research."

"Okay, fair enough, but Love's cathedral is where, sweetie ? In PAPER CONTINENT. You think I'm allowed to go there alone ???"

My concerns are brushed aside in a movement of the hand and a shrug.

"Just find someone to accompany you, pretend a breakthrough for the vaccine, there's many pretexts ! It will be even more impactful that way !"

If you say so. I suppose it will be better than to stay in that unbearable status quo. And I'll finally get to see that infamous Love cathedral where lied the first Frosilaen brother.

****

I’m back from Paper continent with a shitload of new intel and even more questions, starting with those three countries I finally remember, or discovered, the existence of. Now I know what Principality of Lazzaro is referencing, and it doesn’t exactly please me. A cosmic binding can’t be enough to hide both three countries and a giant fuckass tournament to decide which one is governing the other.

Worst, in my opinion, is that Lazzaro won the last one. But the Mandate is still autonomous and going strong. So what the fuck happened ?

I’m sat in my room after giving the news, and watching Lina’s face shrivel in terror. I think there are other implications to this tournament I don’t follow. She already asked me to participate. How funny it is that she needs me exactly when the country is in dire need of power.

And not at any other moment.

Oh, the irony. Did she ever see me as something else than a tool to satisfy her needs ?

Did everyone ever that was in love saw the other as something other than the satisfaction of their needs anyway ?

My visit to Love’s cathedral convinced me otherwise. Love there was only people kissing, noises of face meeting and absolutely no conversation. I’m starting to believe these people speak another language that needs their tongues joined together, and I am definitely not fluent. I would accuse Adam of twisting the meaning of Love, but even his death didn’t change anything.

Being the son of Love, Adam must have known what she wanted. What the word meant.

And if it’s only that… Have I ever been in love ?

A cough is heard right behind me. Desire, popping in my room for the second time in a week. This time, fortunately, I am not naked.

“Congrats for completing the task. And now that you know what I meant by “being by my side”...”

“You want me to participate in the tournament.”

I cut her in the middle of her sentence, but she doesn’t look too outraged. Only nods, eyes still riveted on me.

“Exactly. Sorry for having to be clear now about what our agreement was, but cosmic bindings make so. I mean, I would like to participate, but sovereigns are not allowed to, and that means giving up the crown, even only for a moment…”

“Eh, I’m better at fighting than ruling or naming over successors.”

“You were once Thaumargeikhon for the Heirs, tho.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Dark period of my life. Even though Kal had to twist a little the true meaning of that ancestral place at the Heir government, I never loathed more my place in politics. And I was only here to snarl at those corrupted fuckers wanting to be no better than the one genociding them. And I meant the term. Racism goes both ways even when there is one part of the people that is systematically discriminated against.

Desire doesn’t push the subject. She just shrugs.

“Fine, as you wish. I’m also gonna need to recruit Kage and Kal, since they’re not out of my hair.”

“Why them ? I am enough of a powerhouse already.”

She smiles, sitting on my bed. Great, now I can’t go lie down, it’ll just be weird.

“You are. But if they’re not with us, they’re against us. Lina will recruit them to her team, especially if you’re not there, and you and Kal are of equal strength. I can’t afford uncertainty. I need to win.”

“Why ?”

“For the exact reason it will be easy to convince Kage and Kal.”

She shuts up. Probably not wanting to say more. But there is something in her voice, something that tells me that the matter is all more personal than simply taking over a kingdom and reclaiming a victory the Mandate did not accept.

I would have pushed the subject, in another time. Or maybe just asked more questions. But my mind is occupied enough as it is.

Probably she noticed my silence, since she turned her head towards me.

“Something on your mind ?”

“A lot of things, really. I’m still thinking about Love’s cathedral. You’re really hated there, by the way.”

Desire sneers.

“Of course. They think love and desire don’t meddle easily, only create suffering. For them, love should only be submission. I find that completely stupid.”

“Heh. And here I thought you would tell me something about how love and sex are intertwined.”

I didn’t intend to do anything about that sour look on her face, only tease a little about all those times people told me to love someone, you must fuck them. Including some of the idiots in Love’s cathedral thinking sex is something you give, something you endure out of love. I always thought it was stupid, because then I’d never have been in love; but who would be listened to between the Love priest and the monster people love to hate ?

But to my surprise, she bursts out laughing, all traces of sourness gone from her face.

“Echiapolis, no! I’m not that stupid and especially not that inconstant. Sex is a matter of desire for pleasure, yours or the other’s, it has nothing to do with love. Can be linked, yes, but ain’t everything ?”

She lays down on my bed -great, there goes my nap- and sighs heavily.

“You know, sometimes I think I should have been one of the first goddesses. Because Desire, for everything, is what drives life forward. I have power some of those idiot Twelve can’t even imagine, including Love herself. But law says I am only a minor god with no counterpart, because Creator or whatever knows why. And Love is taken for everything I am while reducing what she is so, so much.”

“And what is love, then, if not what I saw at the cathedral ?”

Another sigh.

“You’re asking me a difficult question.”

“Who is the older-than-thou goddess that just told me Love isn’t what she appears to be ?”

She laughs, and pokes my non-existent ribs with a teasing smile.

“Smartass.”

“Should have thought of that before making a deal with me, sweetheart.”

Desire smirks and pinches the skin under what’s left of my torso.

“Oh, I’m more than happy to get the whole package, if you know what I mean.”

And if I had any doubts, the wink she just gave me is proof that yes, I know what she meant. Ew. Horny little shit. You’re not even sure I have something down there, for all you know magic could have destroyed that part of me. I did not check if it was still functional anyway, and I don’t see any future where it would be.

“You still didn’t answer my question.”

Apparently she didn’t expect me to come back to the subject, but she doesn’t have any ways to escape anymore. She sighs, and lay down again, looking at the ceiling with pensive eyes.

“Love is… Well, more than kissing, for starters. It’s the Desire to be close to someone, to hear their heart beat for you, to live for them. It’s shared interest or wanting to hear all about what they like, because it’s them and whatever they enjoy must be worth it. It’s wanting to stay with the person forever. It's so much more than just surrendering to someone.”

“You’re putting a lot of “want” in there.”

“Love is a bit selfish. It’s the selfishness to be selfless.”

“Wow. Deep,” I say with all the sarcasm I say. “You guys have something with a word and its opposite ?”

“Hey, you asked me to answer.”

“Fair.”

I think for a brief moment, before turning my head towards her.

“Have you ever been in love ?”

I probably shouldn’t have asked that question. Because her eyes are now lost behind a veil of mist, and the sadness in her expression is making me another kind of uneasy. I think it’s regret. Is it regret ?

Her face taints with every kind of sorrow.

“I have, yes.”

I stop pushing the subject.

***

My head hurts.

It hurts so much.

Why does it hurt that much ?

I should be happy.

Nru just died and it wasn’t my fault.

Yes, I did kill people during that tournament, but for her I stayed put. Like Desire told me to. and it paid. She's dead. Not by me.

I should be happy.

Why does it hurt ?

Was it Asura’s tears ? Everyone’s looks of sorrow ? Or my death approaching with the feeling I’ll never get those tears ?

I don’t know.

It hurts.

I have to fight Srodek tomorrow, and this time I don’t think I’ll be able to manage with the same bravado. Even though I swiped the Mandate’s team with ease, it took a big part of my energy and I had to get Kal to help me against Alba. Damn Byleth. Why did Desire expect me to fight an Aspect and win ? I barely obtained a victory and it was because he surrendered.

I feel so tired. My end is growing near. I could reach my forties but I know I won’t live past fifty. Every happiness I’ll obtain starting from now won’t last.

It hurts.

Desire is standing in front of a painting. Old, judging by the state of the paint. A woman is represented lying down on pillows, wearing a chiton whiter than snow. she would look perfectly normal if not for her skin, swirling and tracing a pattern of galaxy.

I don’t know who that woman is, but Desire looks at her with enough resentment for me to hate her.

I don’t know why.

“Mairù ?”

I sigh. Of course she would spot me. The amplification device tells her wherever I am, in whatever state. I didn’t expect her to worry about me.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Come closer.”

I obey, too tired to protest.

It hurts.

“How are you feeling ?”

I sigh.

“Bad.”

“Nru’s dead, tho. Shouldn’t that make you happy ?”

“I’m too close to death to be happy about anything right now.”

Something shifts in her expression, subtle, almost soft, before she finally stops looking at the painting to turn towards me.

“You won’t live that long, will you ?”

“Probably not. I’m already on borrowed time, and going full power for so long isn’t helping.”

“So any of the happiness I promised you wouldn’t last long anyway.”

“Afraid so. Hey, not your fault, alright ?” I smile, seeing some kind of shift in her face. “You upheld your part. The fact that I’m not eternal is my problem.”

It still hurts.

Desire bites her lower lip. Her eyes shift, from the painting to me to the painting again. One moment, I think she wants to say something, the other she just closes her eyes and steps a bit closer.

Her hands run over what’s left of the skin on my left arm.

“Nothing of this is fair.”

“Life ? Fair ? If it was, I wouldn’t be here with you, and I wouldn’t have any reason to accept your deal. Should be happy life fucked me over, sweetheart.”

Even the petname doesn’t make her laugh.

“I should not have to.”

It hurts a little less.

***

My brain is empty.

I do not know why I didn’t die.

I should have died.

I am close to death. And now the only thing keeping me alive threw my last chance of a fleeting happiness in the face.

Is it my fault ?

It’s probably my fault.

I don’t know what I’ve done. Only that it’s bad.

Only that Chiara is the only one who stopped in front of me.

“Desire seeks you,” she said. “You can still do something,” she said. But what ?

What good am I ?

Going on the battlefield at this time would kill me. My magic is too unstable, blood and death would be my end. At least I should time up that death to wipe out a maximum of enemies. But are they even my enemies ?

Some of them are the people Kal and I commanded. Heirs brainwashed by what took Love’s place to fight, to believe there is a future to that victory. But there won’t be a victory for anyone. Only for that eldritch beast that eats gods.

Is the something I can still do my death ?

Will I die as a tool after living as a monster ?

I can’t think.

I only walk, deep in the underground where Desire seeks me.

She’s there, protected by the H.A.R.D.I.. In front of her burns a purple flame, almost extinct, she’s looking at it with tired eyes.

She doesn’t even look my way.

“You’re here.”

The H.A.R.D.I. are looking at me with hateful eyes. Don’t know why. Too tired to care. I only know that now that I’m next to Desire, the pain is subsiding at least for a little while.

“Hey.”

“Guys, she ordered without even giving me an answer. Do me a favor and get out. I need pristine concentration.”

H.A.R.D.I. grunt like a sole man, but obey without any question. Ivan pushes me aside like I’m nothing but an obstacle in his way, without even sparing a look in my direction. I only roll my eyes. Whatever goes through those meatheads, I want nothing in it.

I sit down on the floor, waiting. What good can I still do, here, with a goddess and a weird flame ?

“Do you know what that is ?”

She asked, like she has nothing better to do. I squint my eyes.

“The Soul of all Souls, I recall. Artefact hidden in the chambers that helps give the royals their powers. What is responsible for Lina’s ability to cast powerful creationnist spells, and what’s left of the creationnist energy of the kingdom.”

“Yes… And no. Creation was consumed with the death of the royal lineage, who were also the last of their species, only maintained alive by that flame. With them gone, there is no one able to channel their power enough to keep creationnist energy like you knew it. This flame is not a remainder. It’s a catalyst.”

“Huh.”

There is something she’s not telling me, again, in her tone of voice. some sort of fear, some sort of longing. But I’m too tired to go deeper. I only want to sleep, sleep and hope I won’t wake up in this life.

Even though eternal punishment would be waiting for me at the end it would always be better than her eyes burning with hatred.

Desire is still standing in front of the flame.

“Do you know what I’m trying to do ?”

I shrug. Something that has to do with awakening a power bigger than the gods to end that fucking thing. And the war that is starting in the fields in front of Wake’li. A war I can’t partake in, because it would be too early for me to die that stupidly.

“Vaguely.”

“Do you think I can do it ?”

I roll my eyes.

“You’re asking a scientist to give a result on something that has never in all life been tested. Sure, I can think, but what good would it prove, anyway ?”

“I underestimated your pragmatism, it seems. You’re not keen on encouragement, are you?”

“Never has been, never will be. Did you ask for support or facts ?”

“Good point.”

She laughs a little bit, before looking again at the flame.

“Do you know what I’ll be able to do if I do it ?”

“Not quite. Kill that bastard of a giant critter over there ?”

“I mean, yeah, but not only.”

She is still back turned on me, still standing, still immobile. Her hand is, I notice it now, right in the middle of the flames. It doesn’t consume her, apparently, her skin and flesh stay pristine. But she doesn’t get her hand out.

“I will be able to wield a power big enough to mold the world like I want to. I could give you what you wanted for good. What would you wish for, if I could give you all ?”

That’s a difficult question. What would I wish for when every last one of my reasons to live disappeared with no chance of coming back ? I have only some days to live and even then, I wouldn’t have anything to live with. Anything to live for.

What then ? Do I ask for life and live the bland existence of the one that always will be alone ? Or worse, of the one you call only when you need him ? The one you run away from ? Or do I ask for death and leave behind me nothing but a meaningless existence ? What do I want from life that doesn’t need a sacrifice ?

My lack of answer is apparently not of Desire’s taste, because she grits her teeth.

“Her again ?”

A painful smile grows on my lips.

“What for ? She hates me, and loving me would take everything I cherished away from her. Even if you could grant me life, Desire, it would only be meaningless.”

“What, then ?”

“What could I wish for ? I had illusions all my life, but the truth is I led an existence as nothing more than a tool or a monster.”

And tools or monsters cant wish

for

anything at all.

Silence falls on the basement. The flame burns brighter. And for minutes I thought I won’t have any answers, before she turns around, and I see something I’d never thought I see in the corner of her eye.

“I do not see you as either a tool or a monster.”

And strangely I want to believe her.

Because in all the years I knew her and looked at her face never have I seen a single tear.

***

Universe is looking at what’s left of the Worm, godless and exploded out of creation leaving only behind dust and the traces of its existence. Everything is now over, and even though I hear faint crying on the battlefield, there is no sounds of battle.

We won.

And I’m still alive.

I spent three days in that room, slipping Desire some magic, helping her control hers. It helped me regain a bit of control over my brain, enough to not explode yet, but what really saved me is one single word out of the mouth of that strange goddess now possessing my…

Huh. I don’t know what word to use. Partner in crime, perhaps ?

Anyway. The First God, or whatever she is, is still possessing her. I won’t say a word, because we kinda needed her to win at that point, but I really don’t like that situation. Is Desire going to stay like that forever ? I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.

Lina, next to me, is grunting.

“Okay. Now that we got worm dust and an army running away from my castle, can someone explains to me what the fuck is going on ?”

Desire, or rather, Universe, turns towards her purple eyes.

“Nothing, Lina Frosilaen. Just my awakening.”

“You’re not making any fucking sense.”

“Am I? Maybe I should smite you for that disrespect.”

And Lina, for once in her life, shuts up. Maybe because she finally realized that Desire’s voice is not Desire, or maybe it’s because her body is now squirming, trying to fight that amount of power.

Universe rolls her eyes.

“Can you stay put, Desire ? I won’t be there for long, you’re the one restraining me.”

“Let’s see if I got that properly," interjected Asura with a wary expression. “You are not Desire, but rather the power she tried to awaken during those last four days. And now you want to gain… Or regain autonomy but she’s stopping you. On what grounds ? You don’t look like a power a mere goddess can control.”

I would be insulted for the use of “mere” goddess if I didn’t witness Universe break an enemy we took so long to fight in only one word. But I’m still surprised by her precedent affirmation. Why is Desire restraining her ? The fight proved the power of her mother is not something you can control. If she continues, she may end up hurt in the process.

I don’t want that.

I don’t want to ever see her agonize.

Universe crosses Desire’s arms, a bored expression on her face. It doesn’t suit her at all.

“You’re right on many points. I don’t intend to stay any longer under the yoke of that pest, and nor do I intend to hurt you. I just want to spend some time with my daughter, see what I missed in this word. But she wants to… extort from me a last service before I leave.”

“That is ?”

She sighs, before turning her head towards me.

“Well, she wants me to definitively stabilize the sovereign of magic. In a physical, mental, magical, and… Sexual way, apparently.”

wh.

wait.

wHAT ????

I’m not the only one surprised, apparently. Lina looks like she just swallowed a big chunk of Heir viscera. And I won't talk about Asura whose jaw is somewhere on the floor, stupefied by whatever just got out of Universe’s mouth. She turns her head towards me, and I feel her eyes piercing me, in a mix of disgust and astonishment.

My cheeks are probably completely blue with embarrassment, but I still have the energy to shout.

“Hey, don’t fucking look at me like that! I have no damn idea what she’s talking about!”

“Mairù Claro and women, once again striking, she sneers, putting a hand on her forehead. You really have no idea ?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean ?!”

Worst is, I hear from what’s left of the infirmary a double laugh that I know damn well whose it is. And I’m getting fucking tired of this shit. Now is the moment you choose to be little siblings ??

“Eat your damn shit, Baku, Akira ! I didn’t ask for your mockery!”

Of course, the laughs don’t stop. And Universe is still looking at me, quite expectantly. I think she’s waiting for something.

“What do you think about all that ?”

What, me ? She’s asking for MY input ? It’s even more surprising than Desire admitting she wants to fuck me. Because well I’m not gonna lie, now I think I should have seen that coming.

Trying to hide the embarrassment, I cross my arms and stare at her right in those damn purple eyes.

“You think I would spit on an opportunity to finally live my life without pain and the risk of exploding at every damn moment ?”

“Funny. I would have thought you’d rather die.”

Well.

That is kinda true.

I did want to die. Moments before. days before. I don’t know.

But now when I think about the possibility of me dying it’s just. That would be such a waste. I didn’t die during that giant ass battle, why would I die now ? And if I don’t die, I will take the opportunity to live. And live however I want to.

However I want to…

“Yeah, well, suicidal phase over. People would be too happy I’d disappear anyway.”

And I’m certainly not gonna let that happen. If I have to live, I will annoy everyone that thought I would die soon in a way they won’t forget.

If I can live, I'd rather live a life for people who believed I could. Like the little woman restraining the mother of all life with all her body and might just to give me that chance.

Universe smiles. Then open her mouth. And the litany of words that gets out of it sends all of us into a deep, deep sleep.

***

“You still think life is unfair now ?”

I have woken up from one of my first full nights of sleep in ages, and Desire is on top of me, her transparent dress not covering anything. I can still see the marks I gave her earlier in the day, everywhere on her chest and prominent belly, where my child is preparing to be born. I’m sure I’m in a worse state. Gods, apparently, mark as well as sovereign of magic when both of them want to, and I desperately want to keep a trace of her on me.

I laugh, kiss her right next to that cute smirk, and bring her closer.

“Abyss yes. How is a man supposed to get immortality, full power with no repercussions and a woman that perfect without thinking how life is unfair to the poor saps that won’t get the same chance ?”

“Sweettalker.”

“Always for you, sweetheart.”

Her laugh joins mine while she lays down on me, her pregnant belly weighing against my stomach. She’s heavy, but I would admit that for nothing, because that means she would move, and I don’t want her to move.

“Up to do something today ? We could go to the castle and annoy Lina, or just stay here for a little while to do some… Sport.”

“We were at it for five DAYS.”

“And I’m still a goddess, my dear. Plus, from what I’ve seen, your body is reacting very well to your newfound infinite endurance.”

“I’m beginning to think I’m nothing but a sex toy to you, love. A very useful, extremely multitasking and always willing sex toy.”

Her laugh rings in my ear, the sound of it rippling through my body.

“You wound me. Alright mister, no sex for you!”

“You’ll yield before me, you cute little horndog.”

“Then no hugs.”

She looks at me with a victorious smile while I burst out laughing.

“Please, no! My heart won’t handle it !”

“Liar! You don’t have any heart !”

“And the fact you asked for my dick to be regenerated rather than my heart is saying a lot about you, honey!”

She hits me playfully with the back of her hand, or tries to anyway, since I catch her right in the act and make her roll on the bed. We spend a little time like this, just playfully fighting, ignoring the sheets and pillows going everywhere in the room. There’s no one to hear us anyway, this far in Liovelnis’s desert.

Finally I yield, and she climbs once again on top of me, just plopping on my chest. Intrigue the first she’s adorable when she pouts like that.

But because I’d rather see her smile, I stroke her hair gently, and bring her closer. I have no heart for her to hear beating, it’s true, but it’s for her nonetheless.

I let her put her head in the curve of my shoulder and smile.

“I love you.”

She kisses my collarbone with the exact same smile.

“I love you too.”

#hel is talking #hel ocs #lysara ibruael #lysara #hel stories #hel writing #I kindaaa intended for this to be short but I spent two days writing it and Docs is telling me it's 30 pages sooooooo #sorry if you find that long #but they're cute anyway #even for a manipulative goddess that like her men being murderous scientist rats #and said murderous scientist rat

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