#It's just harmful and irresponsible to tell people not to try it lol. IN MY OPINION!!!

[voxceleste]

I know tumblr mental health posts are not to be trusted but I really did just see something with my eyes that listed several forms of physical activity including jogging and yoga under a list of "things you shouldn't do while anxious" [b/c they can provide too much space for mental spiralling in op's personal experience]... it's fine if those things don't work for you but I draw the line at spreading psa posts of universalized prescriptive mental health advice that go against the consensus of clinical evidence as well as common sense. My god

People on here are so obsessed with reifying DSM categories as super real and legit that to also be like "because of your DISORDER you shouldn't [try what are generally some of the most safe and effective coping mechanisms in existence]" makes me feel like. What planet are we living on folks

[cator99]

(Re: previous post about my home) with all that said yes i did finally snap and admit that the stress of this situation has been affecting me and pointed directly towards how PG and new girl have irresponsibly conducted themselves and pushed an unstable situation onto all of us which I did not appreciate considering how hard I've worked to reach a point of relative housing stability. They must have assumed I wasn't home because I heard the two of them reacting in a very real ie messy way (I seriously respect that they were just being real about it for once instead of putting up a front like nothings wrong and using instagram infographics speak to slough off taking responsibility for their actions and guilt people into placating their poor behaviour ykwim) like really just cackling about how I brought up the overall flippant attitude that the situation has been treated with, and that [new girl] may think the house is in an unlivable condition (she brings this up constantly as though this is a reason to approach all of this with utter disregard) just because it's not the suburbs but for some of us who grew up without shit this place is a godsend and honestly there's not that much wrong with it at all, so please try not to jeopardize our ability to live here for the people who really need it just because it means nothing to you. Grow up. That was what comprised my (now deleted) message. They were having real fun in the kitchen laughing at how seriously I was taking everything. Fair enough. Their issue at that point wasn't that I was somehow wrong but rather that I care at all enough to get butthurt about it and to say all of this. Then they got to the real issue: how to respond to it? I came out of my room and assured them that there was no need to. Doesn't seem like there's a conversation to be had. New girl ran off and hid behind the corner while PG sat there and shifted back into her can-do-no-wrong sjw mode and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I leaned against the stove on the far opposite side of the room from them and told new girl that if she really didnt care about all this at all then she should say so to my face. Everyone else has to live with the consequences of what seems to just be a joke to you, so why do you get to hide? I was entirely calm about this for the record so this didn't seem to be a fear thing it's just that she'd just been caught acting shifty lol. She just kept hiding silently around the corner in the living room. PG tried to come at me with the "to be honest, you're Causing Harm by singling out [new girl]'s attitude towards the situation." I told her that overstating harm isn't appropriate here (again, these words exactly. I'm not here tweaking acting out or losing my mind I'm just calmly telling them what I think but I got the impression that it would've made no difference either way) and assured her that the particular statement about Attitude was directed at how everyone involved has handled this. We talked about the minutiae of my language and I reiterated that I was addressing the Overall Attitude that people have taken towards the issue. "But you're singling her out." I don't find that unreasonable. We went back and forth about language until she told me: "if you take issue with the way someone is conducting themselves then you need to tell them." I said she was right! She was absolutely right. So I invited new girl to peek her head around the corner. She brought herself into view. "I think that you are careless and irresponsible. You've made decisions that put people's housing at risk. And yes, you have a shit attitude." They stared at me.

[propertyofkylar]

(Saw a post on here and giving you a uhh paragraph)

It’s kinda funny how adults act immature cuz the want too but like doing it in reverse where kids are ya know … looking at the adult content is kinda strange I mean yeah sure I get that kids are kids and their parents are just being irresponsible and not stopping their kid getting traumatized by gay porn (nothing wrong with being gay) and sex itself just the parents are gonna get a shocked reaction when they get a call from their child’s school saying “yeah so we heard your child talking about uhh tiny gay midget Hentie and we are wondering if you guys have been around your kid or if your child has been exposed to unsafe videos on the internet or anything” but at the same time schools don’t really do anything but call parents and tell them stuff or suspend kids.

But the parents might have to beat their kid with a belt or ground them both punishments really just makes the situation worse because your child has already been exposed to this content there really is no way to protect them anymore they know what porn already know what R34 is and worse they start getting boners to their own family members and just honestly the younger generation is just slowly getting worse each passing month,day or hell maybe a year that’s all though really

- 🏢🏢

so i go to a lot of school board meetings for work (they’re pretty wild tbh) and a big issue in my state over the past year was an update to the sex ed curriculum which got wildly misinterpreted by conservatives as the state trying to teach children porn (it was literally teaching kindergartners the proper names for genitalia, then things like third graders learning about gender roles and how they can be harmful. then actually learning about sex in i think fifth grade? i know this because unlike those fearmongering i actually read the curriculum myself) but the point is, most parents don’t really understand what their kids get up to online. many of the people were complaining about middle schoolers and high schoolers learning about things like contraception and anal sex (i live in a verrrrry conservative area lol) and i kept trying not to laugh because they have no idea their kids are hearing much worse things on the bus every day and can (and most likely do) find horrible things online.

i guess the point of all of this is much like how i think books shouldn’t be banned and that censorship is bad, children need better sex ed. personally i went to catholic school and never even HAD sex ed. i learned what masturbation was from reading a fucking harry potter fanfiction when i was 12. i didn’t have a proper sex ed class til i was in the 8h grade and went to public school and by that point i felt like i had missed out and was so confused by everything because i learned it all from the internet which obviously is not good. by teaching proper sex education, it equips children with better tools if they end up in dangerous situations. and it’s way better to learn it from a teacher than fanfiction.net like some of us lol

idk this all got so serious anyway. nica is getting off her soapbox now.

[chipsncookies]

Ep 14 sorta review (copied on twt and i post this here since im shadowbanned on there 😢) pls excuse the grammar and the length i have too much thoughts

Ok i finally watched it with subs!! Now I understand things better.

First things first we have new reaction image

Roy's part is straightforward, im glad he's so supportive and helpful to wattrell, and eventually captured it. murdock giving him a pokeball to catch it is so sweet, he knew it was coming!! Also him and liko going shopping and having ice cream together is cute, and him thanking her for letting Dot make sandwich is heartwarming :'). But never thought his comment about wanting a certain spice will backfire...

In last ep i thought spinel was ready to act when he came out in disguise, but no he was still trying to gauge the rvt's strength. I wonder if he's trying to lull friede into a false sense of security since the signal problem has been addressed (speaking of friede, rant incoming)

Friede oh my gosh. after watching the ep i can't blame friede 100% since liko went to town on her own without company, but it's still irresponsible for friede to not tell his team what happened.

He knew something was wrong but he chose to ignore it in favour of focusing on takeoff. If he'd told the team about it they'd be on high alert and less likely to do things on their own. It reflects badly on friede's leadership (and cpt. Pikachu as well?). Him not telling liko he's hired by her mom was funny before but it's harmful now. And given how he just met liko's parents.. this stings more 😬

That said it's also a risky gamble for spinel to attack friede because what if friede is responsible and told his team to be on alert instead, did he know friede won't tell? 🤣 and Liko really need to be more careful, i think she's been under protection so much she got careless. If there's a silver lining i think this incident could be a learning opportunity for rvt, they've been getting Ws so much they got overconfident.

Onto Spinel, DID HE REALLY NEED TO ASK THIS?? THE AUDACITY?;"?#!'

He just love mocking people isn't he? Even in disguise his personality shows through 🤣😭 alternatively he could be making sure liko actually lost her memories, but knowing how smug he is it's hard not to read it that way.

He succeeded getting the pendant but it's clear he didn't care about liko, going as far as wiping her memories (he's being safe but it's overkill imo) and leaving her in levincia.

Did he not know the pendant won't activate without her?

He saw what happened back in arboliva forest since he's been spying on them, but it seems it didn't register to him (possible spinel L?). I think now is a good time to confirm if that testament is true.

Also reminder, it was amethio who made this observation and decided to get her along with the pendant, at the expense of his time and gibeon's patience (lol). He made this conclusion right as it happened. So both spi and ame have seen the pendant react to liko, but only ame made the connection (possible amethio W?). This also highlights amethio and spinel's difference, ame is more observant and will deviate from orders if he deems necessary, meanwhile spinel is more focused and follows orders as is. I love this tbh it makes them more interesting.

Liko's memories got wiped right after the ep where she reminisces and being thankful about her adventures and new friends feels kinda cruel lol, poor girl... Not only liko, sprigatito also lost its memories, but seeing the preview, they somehow stayed together until night and then they saw the moon together. This is a callback to the scene where she trained with sprigatito back in ep 1! I think this is an important milestone 🥹💖 i hope they remember.

Overall, it's insane how the story goes from high (roy helping wattrel and catching it) to low (likos pendant got stolen). We (or at least me) were on a rollercoaster of emotions the entire ep, it's amazing. Story-wise I love that this anime is constantly challenging the status quo by having the pendant actually got stolen and liko got attacked. It keeps me on the edge of my seat bc i don't know what to expect, because anything can happen!!

Ok i think I've finished talking abt ep 14 dang that was long🤣 That said, in next ep preview...

Is this spinel? Is spinel still there ?? I thought he leave already??? He's risking his position if he stayed there for long, what's stopping him from leaving already? He didn't need to worry about them finding liko anyway since she's not important to him, he already got the pendant so why is he preventing them from finding her? But maybe it's not spinel but someone else. Maybe even pokemon, we can never trust previews 100% lol.

The ep title doesn't really give a hint since apparently it focuses on Dot and quaxley? Iono will also appear, but I can't tell what's the correlation between the two, other than they're both influencers. They're definitely going to find liko, so maybe dot will ask for iono's help? Her gym test does revolve around looking for people after all. But 'someone getting in the way' makes me feel nervous.

That's all my thoughts, this was a great ep, explorers fans are fed well, see you next week!!

[realcube]

trying to be nice to their crush hcs

navi | masterlist | taglist

thank you to 🍦anon for this cute request!

characters: tsukishima, kyōtani, sakusa & suna

content warning: swearing & sexual references 

kei tsukishima 

♡ this is all yamaguchi’s fault （︶^︶）

♡ he found out tsukki had a crush on you bc he mentioned you a lot in conversation so yamaguchi interrogated him for answers then lo and behold, the beanpole had a lil thing for you 

♡ you sit in front of tsukishima in homeroom while yamaguchi sits beside him so when you leaned back and asked him if you could borrow a pencil and he spat back a snarky remark about you being too irresponsible to care for your own pencils, yamaguchi hastily offered you one of his own before scolding tsukishima 

♡ he explained to his clueless friend that being nasty to people isn’t a good way to get them to like you 

♡ so perhaps he should be nicer :)

♡ honestly, tsukishima would’ve just looked yamaguchi straight in the eyes and went ‘no’, if it wasn’t for the fact you shot tadashi the sweetest smile anD PLAYFULLY BLEW HIM A KISS AFTER HE JUST GAVE YOU A DAMN PENCIL LIKE WTF 

♡ after that, he decided to give up his current personality and pick up a new one 

♡ jk jk 

♡ but he had to binge a whole bunch of those youtube psychology videos that are like ‘psychological tricks to make people like you’ and ‘THESE 5 MIND TRICKS WILL MAKE YOU THE MOST POPULAR PERSON *EVER*’!!

♡ spoiler alert: he wasn’t the most popular person but perhaps that was bc he only went to the effort of using those tricks on you 

♡ god bless him; he tries hard, he really does. (not his best, just hard)

♡ but you don’t have to be extremely observant to realise that he’s began acting different around you and of course, it confused you seeing tsukishima being nice

♡ what irritated you was how dismissive he was being of your questions though, as he was clearly trying to lead you to believe that you were crazy and he’s just always been a nice guy 

♡ but as soon as he figures out that he angered you, he’ll instantly switch back to him normal self - draining his mind of the hours of phycology studying he did last night to just pretend like it never happened 

♡ and if he’s feeling flirty, he might be extra mean to you （￣︶￣）

♡ also he makes a mental note to never take yamaguchi’s romance advice ever again 🙄

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you sighed, removing your hand from your bag after desperately rummaging through it in search of a pencil once again - deja vu. once you accepted that a pencil wasn’t going to materialise out of thin air, you peered over your shoulder and tapped the corner of yamaguchi’s desk, who wore a suspicious grin which you decided against questioning. 

“yamaguchi, do you think i could borrow a pencil again? sorry, this is the last time, i swear. i’ll be sure to get some on my way home after school tod--” 

yamaguchi dropped the line him and tsukishima had rehearsed many times beforehand, while clutching his pencilcase dear to his chest, “woah, (y/n). you’re so irresponsible. sorry, i can’t lend one of my pristine pencils to someone who is too forgetful to remember to buy some; what if you forget to return it to me?” 

tsukishima cringed at how forced it sounded but he couldn’t help but admire yamaguchi's dedication to his role. this allowed tsukishima to swoop in, pencil in hand, “here.” that wasn’t in the script but he panicked! okay, now, eye contact. 

you just sat there and stared at both of them with the most dumbfounded look plastered on your face. what just happened?  why were they both acting like they were in drama class?  and why are they both so bad at acting? they’re both passing performing arts for fucks’ sake!

kentarō kyōtani 

♡ sorry but i firmly believe kyōtani is the sorta guy to be extra mean to ppl he fancies smh

♡ the rest of them just act (somewhat) like themselves around their crush but kyōtani is himself2 (himself^2)

♡ like one time yahaba found you trembling in your locker bc you had gotten mud on mad dog’s white shoes so he chased you through the hallways of the school, threatening to trek mud on your forehead 

♡ yahaba took it upon himself to investigate as to why kyōtani was so rude to you and he got his answer as soon as he mentioned your name to mad dog and the boy’s face immediately flushed red 

♡ so after practise, yahaba schools mad dog on how to get chicks (⌐■_■)

♡ in short, his advice was ‘good guys get laid’ and for kyōtani’s understanding, ‘good’ and ‘kind’ were interchangeable 

♡ mad dog wasn’t completely oblivious to how he treated you and he was aware that he was far from ‘kind’

♡ although he usually doesn’t listen to people in general, yahaba seemed to know what he was talking about so he figured there was no harm in trying to be nice 

♡ but ngl, he just spent the rest of the day wondering...what is kind?

♡ after a few messages back and forth with yahaba, he figured that the best place to start was by apologising for - y’know - chasing you around the whole school 

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

“oi!” kyōtani bellowed through hallway, paying no mind to the students that cast him dirty looks as his sights were locked on you. standing unsuspecting by your locker, stuffing your textbooks into your bag until you heard his deep voice echo through the hall, to which you visibly perked up and began frantically looking around.

he marched towards you, hands in pockets and when you noticed him out of the corner of your eye, you were more than ready to drop all your shit and bolt away. but he didn’t let you as before you were able to take off on your heels, he grabbed your shoulder and spun you around to face him - then he noticed your hands raised in defence by your face and your head hung low.

his heart sank and his grip on your shoulder immediately softened, “i’m not gonna punch you, idiot.” he spat, rolling his eyes and gritting his teeth, trying to appear angry in hopes you’d mistake his light blush for pure rage. 

“i just wanted to say that i felt bad for chasing you through the halls yesterday - you didn’t stand a chance so i guess it was a bit unfair.” he said, frowning as you replied with silence so the duty fell on him to fill it, “and i got the stain out, anyway so.” 

more silence. lovely.

suddenly, he puffed his cheeks out as his eyes snapped to meet yours and he roared, “ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING SAY SOMETHING OR ARE YOU TOO BRAINDE-”

“are you wearing eyeliner?” 

and that was the true story behind why you missed last period, because you and kyōtani had a 30 minute conversation about eyeliner and make-up, then he convinced you to skip the rest of class with him so he could buy you ramen as an apology gift.

so yeah, he figured that perhaps he should try being nice more often.

kiyoomi sakusa

♡ he didn’t need someone to tell him to be nicer, he’s just predisposed to attempt to show kindness to someone he is fond of

♡ in his mind, showing kindness, respect and stripping himself of all his personality = the only way to be desirable 

♡ (ofc this takes place before he meets atsumu tho lol)

♡ so it’s not the realisation that’s the problem for him, it’s the execution 

♡ like how is he supposed to be nice without either sounding creepy or condescending? 

♡ *cut to sakusa practising in the bathroom mirror* ‘your hand looks- no-’ he scoffs, flicking cold water onto his face, ‘your hair looks cool- pretty- nice?’

♡ *camera pans to sakusa laying in bed, staring intently at the ceiling while imagining vivid and scarily detailed scenarios about ways he could mess up while talking to you* 

♡ *camera zooms in on sakusa’s face as he manifests a nicer version of himself*

♡ he might - depending on how insecure he is - watch one of those psychology videos or read a wikihow for help

♡ but other than that, he independently tries to alter his personality in order to gain your favour bc..true love ?

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you smiled as a basketball rolled up to your feet during gym class, followed by the sound of someone approaching you and upon raising your gaze, your eyes met sakusa’s unmistakable black ones. his face hovered only a few inches away from yours due to the fact you had both reached down to pick up the ball at the same time.

he quickly pulled himself away, tucking the basketball under his elbow as he adjusted his mask so it properly covered his face to ensure that you didn’t see the light blush slowly spreading across his cheeks. he then proceeded to blurt out what he had been rehearsing for the past few nights, “oh, thank you, (y/n). your hair looks lovely today, by the way.”

you giggled, holding your hands firmly by your side to avoid fidgeting and making it obvious that his sudden comment flustered you, “thanks, sakusa. and, if we’re handing out compliments today, i didn’t know you were good at any sport other than volleyball but you’re doing surprisingly well at basketball.” you joked, your lips slowly curling into a cocky smirk, “though, i don’t think you’d stand a chance against my team.” 

god, you’re such a tease. you make it so hard for him to be nice to you. so, of course, your comment returned his ability to utter almost every sarcastic comment that comes to mind - screw being likeable. “you think so?” he quirked a brow, tossing the ball onto your lap then pacing backwards, “go on, then.”

rintarō suna

♡ it was probably those tips on social media that told him he has to be nicer 

♡ and plus he saw terushima get all the chicks and he was just sitting there like ‘where are my bitches at? 🥺’

♡ anyway, all the guys on social media that had girls lining up outside their door always had one thing in common: misogyny  obnoxious personalities !!

♡ and his whole personality was a sacrifice suna was willing and ready to make for just a crumb of cooch  🤲

♡ though you weren’t exactly his crush yet, suna thought you were the best person to carry out this experiment with bc he heard through the grapevine that you had a crush on him so perhaps this would make you happy

♡ he didn’t prepare much beforehand though which he immediately regretted as soon as he approached you bc admittedly, his game plan of ‘be self-assured but friendly’ was a bit vague 

♡ so he basically just had to bullshit through a whole, awkward conversation with you while wearing a forced ‘bold’ smirk which, in reality, looked as though he had just seen tiddies for the first time 

♡ hardly self-assured or friendly 

♡ also, the fact you thought he was playing a prank on you must’ve drastically altered the results of his experiment 

♡ at one point he says something extremely stupid you’d just quit playing along and just blurt out ‘wtf is wrong with you today’

♡ to which he’d be like ‘ahaha, nuthin much bbg, how bout you?’

♡ THE EXPERIEMNT ISN’T OVER UNTIL HE SAYS IT’S OVER OKAy?!

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you rubbed your temples in order to soothe the throbbing headache suna gave you simply by existing. like yes, you had a crush on him 10 minutes ago - but that was before he came up to you and started acting like terushima on dodgy medication. “oh and your skin is glowing bab--”

“jesus christ, rintarō, shut up!” you cried, gripping the edge of your skirt to prevent your self from delivering a swift punch right to his stupid face. he’s seriously gotten on all your nerves at this point; firstly, by spamming your phone in the middle of the night asking for homework answers (accompanied by cursed memes) as he actually managed to wake you up. secondly, by acting so oblivious to the fact you clearly had a crush on him and now, this!

heat rose to his cheeks in embarrassment as his creepy smile instantly fell right back into his resting bitch face, “this isn’t working, is it?” 

“what’s not working?”

suna scoffed, rolling his eyes - his façade having evidently disappeared. “this.” he sighed, looking around as if someone was going to save him before his eyes finally settled on you and he was reminded of what he wanted in the first place, his sparkle was rekindled for just a moment which caused him to blurt out, “just fuck me already, i’m not asking for much.”

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

LOL THAT ASS GOT SO MUCH WRONG I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

First off, Ghibli was only ever used ONCE to make a single Grimm, and that was back in volume 4 with the Sea Feilong, who was based on Haku. Before then Ghibli wasn't involved and hasn't been involved in the design process since.

Second: While it's not uncommon that tragic and unfulfilled endings happen, it happening to this degree is far less in the real world than what lore was implying. Because most writers actually know what they're doing to some degree, and when they don't, they try and learn how until they can. And Miles has no excuse for the writing on RWBY being this bad because of his work on Red vs Blue. He wrote what's considered one of the best arcs in the whole series. So good that fans wanted it to END RIGHT THERE. When you make something most fans find that satisfactory, you sadly can't slack off anymore. And that's exactly what happened with the writing for RWBY. they slacked off.

Third: It's irresponsible and down right disrespectful for MKEK not to be giving time to the main characters the way they should be. If they don't want to be writing for team RWBY, they either need to change the name of the show or put writers in charge that actually want to write team RWBY. Once you take over a project like RWBY, its your characters. Thinking things like "RWBY aren’t the characters of the current writers at this point" wouldn't fly in the real world. If you got a job writing for Doctor Who, then those characters are now your characters, so you better be writing the fucking Doctor. If you join the authors who write under the name Erin Hunter, you write for the damn cats who are the focus in whatever 6 book arc you're doing at that moment. You make it work, because that's your job. Team RWBY are MKEK's characters to write. They need to take responsibility and either write them, or find people who will.

And also, “This isn’t Miles and Kerry’s story of Ironwood, this is Monty’s story of team RWBY,” is only maybe 1/3 right. This isn't just Monty's story anymore. It hasn't been since they made the map of Remnant out of ketchup on a napkin during a lunch meeting. Monty specifically asked for Miles and Kerry to be writing this series (much how like George Lucas hand picked Kathleen Kennedy at the start of the sequel trilogy. What a shock). That was the moment it became their story as much as Monty's. And now with Eddy and Kiersi on board and Monty no longer with us, it's MKEK's story to tell. And whoever it's about is up to them. It's not the viewers fault Ironwood turned out to be the more interesting character people wanted to follow. It's the writers' job to make us care about team RWBY in a show called RWBY, and they failed so hard that they even admit that they only wrote some of the scenes in V8 the way they did because they wrote themselves into corners.

Fourth: Jason Rose, the actual VA who plays Ironwood, the face the character was based on, and is arguably his biggest fan, didn't even know his character had a semblance until a fan told him at a panel. And they expect you to know every little detail about Ironwood's creation? Gatekeeper much?

Finally, because this pisses me off the most: If lore truly did not mean any harm and only want open dialogue, then they need to take responsibility for their own actions. Saying things like "I blame my inability to convey what I mean" and continuing on being like "I consider myself this" and "I find it humorous you didn't know that" just make them sound like your average Cinama Sins level asshole in a youtube comment section. Either apologize properly, realize people have real reasons to be upset and actually listen to what they have to say, or don't engage and leave people the fuck alone.

Sorry for ranting in your inbox. I just needed to say this.

Hey anytime someone apologizes for ranting I say this same thing, do not apologize, I am more then happy to listen to peoples rants and usually enjoy them and this time is no different.

RWBY wishes it could be as loved as a Ghibli movie, those movies are gorgeous in every way. CRWBY often uses one scene or something as inspiration then grabs something else so this one doesn't surprise me at all.

But yes yes I agree with all of those points, the poor writing is just painfully inexcusable. It's not the viewers fault that the audience was able to connect more with James then the mains, that's just poor writing. They accidentally wrote a more interesting character then the mains and instead of working with that and using that to boost the mains and built they up, they destroyed him in the most hurtful and offensive way possible and it just boils my blood thinking about it. Yes, sometimes characters have tragic ends, but it disproportionately happens to disabled characters and those suffering from mental illness's and PTSD. It's wrong that people who relate to James and are like James are the one's forced over and over again to watch characters they connect with painfully die after being turned into a forced villain its exhausting and I'm not gonna pretend otherwise to try and make people feel better.

Yes yes yes if they don't want to write RWBY anymore, they need to get someone on who wants to write RWBY to do it so that the mains can get an actual writer to write the mains the way they deserve in not this bullshit that MKEK is trying to feed us and pretend is good writing. EVERYONE mains included, deserves better. People have come up with such better ideas for Volume 8 and what they could have done to make the mains actually heroes instead of the horrible excuses for people they are currently.

You know it's funny, the actual VA for James doesn't know so much about his own character how the fuck are fans supposed to know certain things? And as you said, having rules about what a person has to know about a character to be able to be their fan is gatekeepy as hell. Their is no amount you have to know about a character to be able to love them. All that matters is you love the character, that is the only requirement. Nothing else, if anyone tries to claim otherwise or guilt you for not knowing something they're just an asshole.

Hehe yea no they did mean offense and harm they just pretend otherwise to make themselves look better. If you hurt someone, apologize and move on, don't try and hand wave your mistakes away or worse blame the person you hurt. If something annoys you, block and move on don't harass the person creating the content. A lot of mega fans need to learn this but they won't because they want to harass anyone who dares point out any flaws with their precious show.

I'm sorry I don't have as much to say as you did anon you just put all of this so perfectly.

[whatiwillsay]

submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first ���came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me.  but i am very emotional right now.  i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience.  ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support.  have you been financially impacted by this?  we can raise money.  do you need therapy?  we can help you find the support you need.  this community is unequivocally here for you.  whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will.  you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this.  i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened.  this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do.  this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

[dungeons-and-dragon-age]

25 37 101?

Thanks for the ask! yall really like outing my indecisive ass though huh? lmao

25. Favorite DA:I place?

Boy Inquisition has so many amazing places. If we're counting DLC I will have to say the Bastion of the Pure and the Wellspring because damn have you seen them? They are both such eerie and fantastical and breathtaking locations and I was absolutely in awe the first time I went there (still am tbh). Also I'm really interested in Dwarven lore so that's an extra bonus.

The Frostback Basin is a close second because I love the entire JoH DLC, from the main quest to the Avvar to the location itself (treehouse camps ftw, living the dream up here). Loved the Hissing Wastes too, lovely atmosphere and again Dwarf lore lol. Also love the general eerie and creepy feel of the Fallow Mire and Crestwood (before completing the main story quest). The Hinterlands are another region I like quite a bit, idk it's just very friendly and nice I think.

If we're going purely by aesthetic and basegame though I think Caer Oswin (the location for Cass's personal quest) and the Arbor Wilds have to be my faves.

37. Bloodmagic: yes or no?

Hell yeah Blood Magic. I believe it is no more unethical or dangerous than any other any form of magic by default, and can be just as dangerous as any other magic when used irresponsibly. I mean sure there is the danger of weakening the Veil and attracting Demons when used excessively or carelessly, but kill a bunch of people with a sword in one place and you have the exact same result. There is so much versatile potential blood magic could have, especially for medical uses, and completely disregarding how useful it would be as a tool may or may not be intentional by the Chantry, but in any case it is incredibly limiting I think. I also think that the worst harm comes from the Chantry teachings themselves, because the fear it implants in mages probably contributes more to blood magic ending badly than it would otherwise. They *believe* that the worst case scenario is the only scenario, so that is what happens when they do resort to blood magic because they think it cannot be any other way. That's what I believe, anyway.

101. If you could meet your Warden/Hawke/Inquisitor, what would you say?

Pack everyone you love an bail tf out of here before shit hits the fan (again)

okay but for real, let's see.... I'd try telling them what they'd probably need to hear most to stop worrying so goddamn much (or at least worry a little less) which would be roughly

Neira: Your are helping/your mistakes don't define you

Kala: It's okay to forget

Liam: It isn't your fault

Lilian: You did make a difference

June: Your feelings matter

Ari: It was not for nothing

[sunarintoes]

Dear Whoever: [Oikawa]

Synopsis: two broken strangers hold a mutual understanding of each other as they silently complete jigsaw puzzles together every Wednesday afternoon.

WC: 4K

TW: mental health issues, reader sucks at math, swearing, angst (but a lot of fluff) please do not read if you feel uncomfortable by these themes. Also: this fic has nothing to do with volleyball and is set in a clinic for mental health

Note: this is in no way meant to romanticise mental health issues, it is simply a story of a person (reader) who is struggling with their mental health and eventually gets better through the silent support of a friend she makes (Oikawa)

18/6/2020

Dear diary?

Is that how I'm supposed to start these entries off? I'm not sure. Well, uh...today I went to see a psychologist for the first time. Her name is Mary and she gave me this book, told me to try it out and write in it as much as possible. I feel awkward though. I don't think I'll use this.

Until next time,

Yn

30/6/2020

So uh… hi?

My therapist told me to write here even if I'm not sad? So if something memorable happens. I don't know honestly. This is way too awkward. Maybe I'll get used to this. Maybe not?

Cya,

Yn

18/7/2020

I stayed true to my words, I really haven't written here that much. I'm doing good and I don't think there's anything wrong with me! I'm not sure why I'm being forced to go to therapy. I feel how I feel and it doesn't matter! I know there are people worse off than me and I don’t have the right to feel sad - I have a good family, good friends, go to a nice school and I have money (or well, my parents do). So why should I feel sad? And I just have a resting bitch face. It's not called being ‘depressed’ or whatever.

Asides from all that, the only reason I haven't kicked up a huge fuss about being forced to be interrogated is the fact that every Wednesday - the day I visit my psychologist, there's always the same cute boy sitting in the same seat opposite me, not to mention the same somber expression he wears.

I'm not sure why, but I feel oddly connected to him. As if our minds are connected and in tune. I feel like I know him and he knows me. I've been reading too many books. Lol! There's no way we have that connection. Besides, I've only seen him about 4 times. Yeah, I'm definitely making this up in my sad, lonesome head.

Farewell for now,

Yn

21/7/2020

Dear diary,

I saw him again. I still don't know his name. But today he looked up at me and smiled a bit, I tried to smile back but I probably just looked angry. Not that I have a problem smiling or that I'm angry or upset. I'm just stuck on default - stuck with a heavy frown on my face.

Sincerely

Yn

29/7/2020

It's a shame, really; I've spent so long trying so hard to get better. And I do want to get better, but it’s not easy. If I'm being honest, I thought I was getting better but when the quarantine hit I began to bottle things up again. Not seeing my feelings, having them buried deep beneath - locked away in the deepest pits of my heart… well, it was soothing in a sense. That way they did not exist, they were forgotten. I didn't have to deal with them. But I forgot the most important thing of all, ‘with good comes bad’ they say, I wish I had listened - to myself and to those around me, that bottling up feelings is really the worst thing to do. Because the longer you ignore them, the stronger they grow and the darker they get. I'm an idiot; really. I was a coward, too scared of my untamed, ugly feelings to face them head on, too scared to ask for support to help me face them. So here I am now, wallowing in the depths of my despair with an increasingly depressing inner monologue, typing this out in tune with it. I'm really bashing myself up, bottling up is the most harmful way to inflict violence upon one’s self, and I'm really feeling it. My brain hurts from narrating my problems and inner thoughts - it’s working overtime as a sort of coping mechanism. But what hurts the most - what burns the most, is my ever dry throat and teary eyes. Having to swallow the ever present lump that happens to make itself comfortable right at the back of my throat seems to really suck the moisture out of my mouth, hence my dry throat. My eyes really sting, the tears come and go, and boy, let me tell you - it takes so much strength to fight them. To stop them from rolling down as they would wish to. Feeling the tears well up and then forced to go away really burns. I'm not sure why; I do know that despite not having cried even once, my eyes burn as if I havent stopped crying since last week.

As dramatic as this is, this is how I feel. Quite underwhelming considering I've been harboring such strong, hating and dangerous feelings to myself since march. Though, this is my first time letting these frustrations out. I'm glad I've finally realised the burdens I carry. There's not much I can do.

See you next time,

Yn

2/8/2020

Hi,

Didn't expect to write that much in here but shit has been going down this week. Today my math teacher kept me in to tell me that I failed my math test, she told me that it was irresponsible of me to get as low as I got. The whole time she scolded me, I felt uncomfortable and like I could cry - I was close too, the tears were forming in my eyes. She asked me if I was planning on dropping maths, she basically suggested for me to drop maths. Oh! She also told me that I had to stop drawing in my book and that it was preventing me from learning because apparently ‘if you draw that just proves to me that you have no idea what's going on and you don't want to ask questions.’ and I'll give her that, I don’t - to both things.

The seats are so close it makes me anxious, I don't want everyone around me to know that I don't understand math! And besides, I seriously do not understand it so she'd have to sit with me the entire lesson to explain everything… I think there's something wrong with me.

Until next time,

Yn

3/8/2020

Hey, me again.

It’s still slightly weird to vent into a little diary but I'm getting there I guess. I'm so frustrated! Today has been the worst fucking day that I've ever experienced. For starters, I did double math for periods one and two, and then we got our tests back and I failed :) yep 23%!

I'm just soooo happy. If I'm being honest I don't care anymore. Maths is hard and no matter how much I study I fail at it. There's no point in me even trying now. I give up. What's worse is we had a substitute teacher and when she handed out the papers she gave my paper to some other girl in the class - who then of course, proceeded to have a fit about how bad the test is and that the tests were definitely mixed up. Well, they were but did she really have to explain to the whole class about how bad the score is? It was embarrassing to have to put my hand up and get the paper - my test, handed to me. It felt like everyone’s eyes were burning holes into my body. Right then and there I had a panic attack - I had already felt on edge since yesterday but the test conforming results plus the fact that everyone knew how badly I scored tipped me over the edge. I felt the tears well up but I pushed them back - refusing to show everyone how weak and pathetic I am.

I excused myself to the bathroom and cried a little before texting my friends and telling them that I was about to have a meltdown. Unfortunately they weren't online and didn't respond, I had to go back to class anyway.

When the break came, I left to go back to the bathroom - my tears were still clouding my vision and I couldn't get rid of them. I think I may be superstitious but while I was walking I was stuck behind the girls who saw my test - they were talking about their tests. I didn't really care but then one of them said ‘how much do you need to pass?’ and the others just laughed, so she continued and said ‘seriously! Is 24 percent a pass?’ this made the other girls laugh even harder, it felt like a slap to the face. Like they were indirectly mocking me. The same girl then said ‘surely 25 percent’ which again, was met with laughter.

It really hurt. Even if I was just overreacting. Surely not. They had to be talking about me. Why else would they talk about low test grades when they are literally on to top of the class.

I just want to disappear.

Sincerely,

Yn

8/8/2020

I dropped my Ipad today - twice if I may add. I cried when it hit the floor, the protective screen shattering into small, sharp pieces. The ‘up’ volume button is stuck and can no longer be used, neither can the ‘on/off’ button. Guess I can only use the home button to turn it on and wait for it to go to sleep if I don't want to use it. I'm kinda fed up with life. I want to be taken away. I don't care how far I go. I just want to leave.

Not soKindly,

Yn

14/8/2020

Dear Diary,

Today has been alright, I made mini cookies which helped put a smile on my face. Ever since the first time I exploded in this diary, I've felt a humongous weight lift off of my shoulders. Picture this, a single person holding up 50 tonnes of bricks and then telling themself and everyone around them ‘I’m fine! I can do this! I don't need help!’ but then one day, the person feels even more bricks pile up which becomes overloaded and they can't keep it up anymore. So they begin to crumble under all the pressure and the weight until they just explode! After their explosion a new person appears out of nowhere and helps them hold the stack of bricks. It is not that lighter, but it's the extra support - the extra pair of hands helping keep the first person stand straight, that really means something. I'm not sure if that makes sense but it’s how I can describe how I feel. Still feels heavy in my chest, but this time it just feels a bit lighter - like the world isn't entirely against me.

From,

Yn

30/8/2020

Dear Diary

When I went to the clinic earlier this week, something unexpected happened. The cute boy - who i like to call my ‘Therapy Buddy’ pointed over to the small table where a bunch of unfinished puzzles lay. I was confused at first but still walked over there. We sat down opposite each other and offered small smiles to one another. And without saying anything we finished off the jigsaw puzzles until we had to part ways.

For the first time in a while, I felt calm - as if my nerves were soothed. Maybe I should upgrade his name to ‘Miracle Buddy’ because I am 100% sure the reason I felt at peace was his doing - his presence.

Until next time,

Yn

7/9/2020

Dear Diary,

Therapy Buddy and I completed the jigsaw puzzles again today; no words were exchanged. I think he’s cute. I don't have a crush on him. I literally don't know him. I just like being in his presence. And besides, we've only done this twice. Who's to say we'll do it next week?

Cya,

Yn

15/9/2020

Whats up bitch Diary

Haha. Therapy Buddy is definitely smart. He was so quick to complete a 200 piece puzzle! I barely helped… he's cute when he concentrates as well. Oh yeah, we did end up doing them today. I noticed he also carries a diary with him. Maybe he writes in it like I do? Who knows. I hope he's written about me… I mean he probably hasn't but who knows, am I right?

Sincerely

Yn

21/9/2020

Hey Diary,

I'm really struggling going to school, I find it hard to concentrate in math class. Actually yeah, I like going to school but it's when I step into the math class, when I go in I feel my chest tighten and my throat dry. I have spoken with my parents a lot. They said I can drop maths if I want to. I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future but I have a faint idea: a psychologist or an artist. I need maths for psychology I think. I'm not sure. I think I'll just stick with it and hope next year goes better.

From,

Yn

29/9/2020

I look forward to going to the clinic. It no longer feels like an interrogation now that I walk in with an open mind. I'm still not getting much better with maths so I asked to be dropped down a level and now that i'm in a new classroom, a new environment, i feel less nervous. Maybe i’ll be able to get at least something done.

Kindly,

Yn

12/10/2020

This is a disaster, the other week when Therapy Buddy and I were sitting together - in comfortable silence might I add, we mixed our diaries! I can't believe this. I didn't realise until I got home! I had no ways of contacting him either. I hope he didn't read through it. If he did, I'm in trouble, I'm not doing good. I feel sick in my stomach and my throat is constricting. Ok I'm going to go, I'm having a panic attack just remembering.

Until next time

Yn

13/10/2020

Hey Diary!

In the midst of panic yesterday, I missed an important detail. Therapy Buddy left his name and phone number in my book. He must have opened up to write in it only to realise it wasn't his book. I hope. I'm a bit scared to text him. He has a pretty name - Oikawa Toru.

If I'm going to be honest, I read a little of his diary! I couldn't help it, I just wanted to write my feelings but I opened up on his latest entry, I read it and I shouldn't have. I feel a bit guilty but now, more than ever, I feel closer to him. He's feeling a similar way to me.

Yeah, I think I'll go for it. I think I'll text him.

Sincerely,

Yn

20/10/2020

What's up Diary!?

I'm glad I texted Toru! Since then we've been texting non stop but we've made a promise - to not speak to each other in person until we’re both doing better. That's fine with me. I just know my voice would betray me if I decided to chat him up in person. I've found a sense of comfort with Toru, he's no longer just my Therapy Buddy (although that's his contact name), he's now my friend who I can seek comfort in, and he seeks comfort in me too. I hate to say it, but I think I may have a small crush on him. This is a pain in the ass, I really hope I don't. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. But he’s really cute

Kind regards,

Yn

25/10/2020

Hey diary,

I'm feeling a lot mentally better, I wish I had realised sooner that going to therapy was helpful. Having someone who just listens to you and doesn't give their input unless you want it is soothing. I'm not as anxious to go to math class, of course I'm still trying but I've adopted the mindset: what's done is done, all I can do is look forward.

I have good news about Toru. Today he said to me ‘when I’m ready I want to love you and for you to love me.’ I know I don’t love him but I’m not an idiot, I know I have some more-than-friends feelings towards him.

From,

Yn

27/11/2020

Dear Diary,

Things have been really looking up for me. Im feeling a lot happier and the weight in my chest is a lot lighter. I almost feel free. I've been thinking of career paths a lot lately. I think I want to be a psychologist. If it weren't for Mary, who knows where I would be now. Thanks to her I've been able to feel better and do better. I want to be like her. I want to be able to help people through their problems - whether it be a minor inconvenience or a major one, because I know how it feels. I understand what it feels like to have the whole world against you - as if every force and person in the universe were working unanimously together to bring me down, ‘but I survived and so can you.’ That's what I will tell them. And also ‘We can get through this together,’ and let's not forget ‘this will be challenging so we both have to put in 100 percent to getting better!’

Sincerely

Yn

12/12/2020

Hey diary,

I am full of joy.

Today Toru texted me and asked me if i wanted to spend New Years Eve with him! I said yes and were going to go to the park to have a picnic and watch the fireworks! I'm so excited. I hope he is too! I just cannot wait.

Oh yeah! I can't believe i haven't written it in until now! I've just been so happy and excited and wow but the two of us went out to a cafe and he bought me a drink - we still haven't exchanged words and spent the whole time sitting next together while texting.

In that moment I felt so happy, I knew that this is the guy I want to be with. I have a crush on him and wow... I it feels good to get that off my chest and out into the open,,, I wonder if he’s ready? It doesn’t matter, I’ll wait as long as I have to because Toru is special and I don’t want to lose him.

It is New Years Eve and I have made plans to catch up with Toru, he's going to pick me up at my house and together we’ll walk to the nature park where we’ll spend the night having a picnic and being in each other’s presence. In my small bag I have snacks and drinks packed, along with some board games - why not? After all, I'm planning on confessing to him tonight and I thought doing it while engaging in one of the things that brought us together was the way to go.

There is a timid knock on the door and I quickly run to answer it.

As soon as I open the door I’m met with a cardboard poster with the words ‘Happy New Years Eve, Yn!!’ written in big, large letters. I smile as I look at it, Toru definitely was not an artistic person but the thought was sweet and made my heart swell. I pull out my phone and text him a thank you before receiving one back from him; ‘you look extra beautiful… Yn.’

I read the text a few times before my brain finally gets the message, a large smile creeps up onto my face and I hear him try to stifle a laugh.

I turn away from Toru and yell out ‘bye bye! I'll see you tonight!!’

When I turn back I see Toru reaching out his hand; as if he were asking me to hold it.

Toru’s hand is pretty, our fingers are linked together and they rest comfortably. Nothing feels forced, it all feels natural. I look up at him and wonder if he feels the same, as if he knew what I was thinking when he squeezes my hand. Yeah, we definitely have some strange connection.

We spend the whole journey to the park texting, and as much as I love texting him and hearing him quietly chuckle during conversations it no longer feels like enough. I want more. As greedy and selfish as that sounds. I know I said I would wait for him - as long as it would take, but I'm getting impatient. Tonight i'm going to speak to him… I hope he does as well.

The park is beautiful, the flowers are trees surrounding the border and trap out the outside world. It almost feels like I'm in a magical fairy realm - or something like that.

We found a spot near a garden bed and I noticed the arrangement of flowers fairly quickly. I find it funny, the flowers almost represent everything i feel for Toru - maybe our meeting was indeed, fate and maybe this was fate telling me to confess.

I pull out a 5000 piece jigsaw and text ‘wanna play?’ which Toru of course agrees.

I have had fun, all night we’ve spent playing various games and eating snacks. We still haven't spoken and that's getting me down. I can't help the intrusive thoughts - ‘does he not like me?’ ‘he's not ready’ ‘you're just a friend.’ I try to push them out of my head but before I crumble I find a new thought: ‘maybe he's just too shy to make the first move.’

That is, it was up to me and it was the perfect time to confess - ten minutes until the new year. I quickly got up and made an impromptu bouquet of the flowers that resided next to us.

Shaking, I turned towards him. “Hey… i’m Ln Yn and this is for you…” I handed him the bouquet and tried my best to ignore the look on his face - I couldn't tell if it was shock out of happiness or anger, “you asked to know the meanings right?” I move closer to him and point out a flower, “well, see that flower? It's a light purple lilac that resembles young love… and this one here, it's called a belledonne which means silence, this one’s a begonia - representing dark thoughts, oh and this one! It's a pink camellia which symbolises longing - particularly longing for a romantic relationship with the receiver, and this daisy right here means innocence and hope. And lastly, the hibiscus represents delicate beauty.’ I swallowed a lump in my throat as I looked up at him, I didn't realise how close I got to him - our lips were mere centimeters away.

‘Hey… I'm Oikawa Toru and I like you too. Why don't we give a relationship a try?’

I smile. I smile so large I feel my cheeks hurt. This, this is the happiest i've ever been. ‘I’d like that.’ Toru smiles with me, he’s beautiful, even with the dak thoughts plaguing his mind.

‘I like your voice’ we say to each other before laughing.

‘Wow.. we really said that at the same time huh?’ he laughs. Instead of responding I grab a hold of his hand once more and squeeze it. ‘It’s kinda annoying, I wanted to confess first…’

‘Not my fault. Bet it wouldn't have been as romantic as what I did.’

‘So telling me the meanings of flowers is romantic?’

I gasp as he doubles over in laughter and without realising we fell into an easy conversation - much like one we would have over text. Everything with Toru felt natural.

The fireworks go off signalling the beginning of the new year, Toru leans in closer and his eyes don't leave mine.

‘Hey,’ he says softly, ‘can I kiss you?’ I gulp and nod, within seconds his lips were delicately pressed against mine, they were soft and smooth - even if they were slightly chapped. They felt natural against my lips. The kiss was short and sweet. Deciding that it wasn't enough to satisfy me, I went back in after we pulled apart and we both smiled into the kiss - our lips passionately moving together, like two jigsaw pieces that were made for each other.

When we pull back, Toru drags me into his chest and says, ‘I'm ready to love you.’

Taglist: @ladyrenart

Hushudhidwhuwihahuaf ïm im sorry this is horrible and I definitely don’t plan on using this style of writing anytime soon! I promise the rest of the series will be written nicely !

[darkkidplaidopera]

“For eternity” Khunbam

as always sorry for any errors, and there’s smut under the cut so you’ve been warned lol

<- ->

Khun Aguero Agnis has never been prone to believe in the supernatural. As he said himself, this world has already contained enough madness itself. The first rule of living there everyone learned as a child – if you want to avoid making the same mistakes, you have to know your past. What's more, each human being was born with a mark on their body which symbolized the way one died in their last incarnation. The mark belonging to Khun didn't look particularly large. Some people thought he's lucky because of it. Yet two dark dots staining his pale neck looked as if he got bitten by a venomous snake. Even though they seemed way too huge for simply a wild animal, Aguero tried not to think about it. Was there a big chance that he'll die this way again? No, of course not. He didn't have any possible way of meeting such a creature during his usual life. And that's enough of a reason to don't care about his mark. After all, Khun Aguero Agnis was a busy man, he had no time for this kind of nuisances. Always dressed properly – a tailored suit, shiny shoes, black tie, and an expensive watch. If you ever tried to imagine what a stereotypical businessman looked like, he'd be the first thing popping into your mind. Khun's life, just as his straightened blue hair, was lacking any kind of mess. He couldn't understand people who treated their marks as a significant part of themselves. There was no such a word like “destiny” in his dictionary, because believing in it had no logical value. After all, he lived in a world with much bigger issues – economy, politics, and even an upcoming climate catastrophe! Caring about something as trivial as body marks in current situation seemed egoistical. Or at least that's what he thought.

Fall was such a pretty season, but it had a major flaw. Too short days. Aguero spent most of his time in his office, which resulted in the fact that both when he entered, and left the building there was already dark outside. Maybe Khun didn't like to admit it, but coming back to his house was the least favorite part of the day for him. The office was his sanctuary. Full of life, people, important matters. And his house? Empty, filled with loneliness, and apathy. Aguero had everything, but he felt like he still lacked something. Or someone, to be more precise. Khun could reject those thoughts, try to disagree with them, he could even find them totally idiotic. But for what reason when deep down he knew himself what was the truth? Self awareness was both a blessing, and a curse. Yet the awareness itself couldn't possibly affect his daily routine in any way. Aguero packed his documents, and checked for the last time if everything was on its place. It was a few minutes past 8 P.M. If not for the streetlamps, there would be an unbreakable darkness surrounding every inch of the world outside. Khun lived near his office, so he could easily go back to his place on foot. On his way he passed different parks, streets, and houses. Aguero swore to himself that there was no other place in this world with so many imbeciles behind the wheel who treated speed limits like suggestions instead of restrictions. Khun considered himself to be a tolerant person. Yet there was one thing he absolutely couldn't stand – irresponsibility. Suddenly, he heard a weird noise behind his back. It couldn't possibly be wind. The noise sounded more like a rustle of some leaves being stomped at. Aguero turned around immediately, but the only thing he saw was an empty road dressed in a dark shroud of the night. Maybe he imagined things? No, impossible. Maybe it was some kind of animal. Yes, that's the only rational option. Khun tried to believe that. Yet, during the whole walk to his house, he felt like he wasn't alone. As soon as Aguero reached his destination, he closed the door quickly while throwing his cloak at an armchair.

“Alone once again,” Khun murmured.

Talking to himself was one of those habits that he didn't create completely deliberately. Khun didn't like spending time in an absolute silence. Being left alone with his thoughts was too overwhelming. Silence was the only thing that could scream the truth so loudly. Khun Aguero Agnis was a successful man. And he was really fucking lonely.

“You seem really confident for someone who's wrong.”

Aguero froze. That voice definitely didn't belong to him. It didn't even sound fully humane. A husky, low timbre made Khun shiver.  He felt like an animal that's slowly getting closer to getting trapped in a cage. The velvet voice seemed to cling to Aguero's heart, and surround it with golden threads. The ones that spread their warmth, making others unable to take their eyes away from the beauty. Those that one day will stop Aguero's circulation to own the last beat of his heart.

“Who are you?” Khun asked while trying to get out of his narcotic trance.

“Does it matter? I can introduce myself with every name, and every past. But it won't change anything,” a man answered.

Khun took this moment as an opportunity to see the source of the voice. A man standing next to his window seemed completely indifferent to what was happening, as if the situation's nothing new for him. Because of a black cloak he was wearing, his posture lightly blurred with the night sky. Long, dark hair covering a part of his face made the stranger slightly more mysterious. It looked as if his clothing was chosen on purpose so the slim body didn't look so fragile. Because of his tallness, and rather delicate face structure the stranger reminded Aguero more of a statue than a real human being. His marble skin, and body seemed like an embodiment of the slenderness of Gothic architecture that somehow got trapped in a Greek sculpture.

“I don't think any different. But since you've already broken into my home, you could already make some effort, and provide me a believable reason why,” Aguero snorted.

“Does everything need to have a reason, though? If something has to happen, then it will, no matter if there's a legitimate cause of it,” the man replied.

Nonsense. Nothing happens without a reason. Khun Aguero Agnis would never allow something as irrational as fate to make a difference in his life without a permission.

“And, Aguero,” the stranger continued. “Don't you want to know what was the real cause of your mark?”

“How do you know my name?”

With each passing second Khun found it harder to stay calm. There was a stranger in his house who had probably followed him before, and somehow even knew his name. Aguero didn't know if the man meant any harm, but he also wasn't too thrilled to check. Khun knew there's a chance he's in danger, and even worse – he didn't know how to escape from his own house to call the police.

“I've been watching you for quite a time.”

Yikes. Isn't that stalking? Suddenly, a wind blow came through the room, and left a slight impact on the man's hair. The dark cascades made a contact with golden light coming from his big eyes. They seemed familiar. Too familiar for Khun's liking. A quiet voice in Aguero's head was getting louder, and louder. And its screams were repetitively filling his mind with one word.

“Your name is Viole, right?”

The man nodded.

Jue Viole Grace has never considered himself to be an extraordinary human being. Well, maybe let's start with the fact that he never considered himself a human. As one of the creatures that most people thought existed only in fairytales, he tried to fit in really hard. And it wasn't an easy task. With his extremely pale skin, dark hair, and fangs that were a little too long Viole was rather easy to find in a crowd. Viole considered the twenty-first century as a nice change, though. In the previous ages, his appearance usually made people either scared or nervous. Not to mention when he had to run away from villages while being chased with pitchforks, and torches. And now? Now if people react to his looks at all, they usually just wonder if there was a new collection with vampire accessories in Hot Topic. Viole liked it. No one would believe he's a vampire anyway. The society apparently thought of reincarnation, and weird body marks as completely normal. But vampires? No, that's not possible. Yet what else could he expect, when after all these years some people still believed that the Earth is flat? Viole didn't complain, though. Conspiracy theories were way better than wasting his time on priests trying to exorcise him to get some demons out. Viole didn't mind waiting. He didn't remember his past lives fully, but there was one repetitive thing in all of them. Eyes made of cobalt. But not some ordinary blue eyes. Only the ones that belonged to his Aguero had this exact color. Dark, but not overbearing hue that looked almost mauve in daylight was irreplaceable. Every time Aguero was amused, his eyes shined with him, and Viole could swear on his life that they looked like a sky full of stars. He'd wait for Khun as long as it's necessary. But he hoped that the right time will come soon.

The fact that his Aguero remembered him made Viole feel relieved. Even if a detail or two of their relationship escaped from  his head. The last time they met his Aguero was gone too soon. Even though Viole would give up his own eternity for Khun, there was nothing that could remain immortal when facing this world's cruelty. The marks weren't necessarily equal with death. They meant that the soul has already perished, but brought no meaning when it came to talking about the state of one's body.

“How much do you remember, my Aguero?”

Khun blushed madly. Most people didn't dare to act informal around him, let alone call him Aguero. It didn't bother him, though.

“Not a lot, unfortunately. I don't get why everyone's in some kind of tower,” he replied.

“It's a long story, my Aguero. Too long for just one night.”

Said story wasn't the most pleasant one to tell, too. Even though the godless tower was supposed to bring them happiness, the true joy came with the disappearance of it. Viole couldn't possibly be happy knowing how many people died because of him.

“There's quite a few interesting things that I remember, though,” Khun smirked with a dangerously amused look on his face.

Viole almost didn't notice how quickly Aguero closed the distance between them.

“How loudly you were moaning my name, for example,” he whispered into Viole's ear.

Viole felt his cheeks turning crimson. Beacause of the long time he spent without his Aguero, he almost didn't remember what a tease he was. But Khun forgot one thing.

“Then you should also remember how much you liked choking on my cock, and begging for more.”

Aguero frowned. He didn't recall Viole being that bold, and it really turned him on. Their lips connected in a hungry kiss which was a beginning of a sinful act. At some point, Aguero's legs wrapped themselves around Viole's waist, and Khun wasn't sure if he had any control over them anymore.

“I think a need a reminder,” Khun said, and licked his lips. “Preferably in the bedroom, third door on the left.”

“I'll make sure that you'll never forget again.”

Quiet moans started to fill the spacious room. Tangled, blue hair partly covered Aguero's rose-red cheeks. His plump lips, now lightly swollen, were wrapped around Viole's member, and made honey-eyed man lose his mind. A stream of saliva on Aguero's pale chin, his half-closed eyes, and needy moans were enough of a reason for Viole to forget about anything else. His Aguero looked exceptionally pretty when he was so obedient. When defenseless, he seemed almost pure, and full of innocence. Or at least what was left of it. Viole felt that he's about to cum, but it was too early for

that. The fun has just started.

“Mm... Aguero,” he said with a hoarse voice. “Be a good boy, and lay on your stomach for me.”

Khun tried to stood up, but his shaky legs were a major inconvenience. Viole has already made a mess of him, and he didn't even properly touch him. When Aguero's throbbing cock touched the sheets, an obscene noise left his mouth. He wanted Viole's touch. No, not just wanted. He needed it. Now. He felt Viole's arms slowly roaming around his body. And then, a silky fabric of his own tie made contact with Khun's wrists, tying them up.

“Is it too tight?” Viole asked, and the only answer he got was an incoherent mumbling, supposedly meaning 'no'.

Viole's lips started leaving trails of kisses on Aguero's body, making their way to his inner thighs.

“Stop t-teasing me, Viole,” Khun gasped, not even entirely sure himself if the words made a proper sentence.

“I thought that good boys are more patient,” Viole replied. “You know that being disobedient results in a punishment.”

He didn't wait for any reply this time. He liked seeing Aguero like this. So vulnerable, and willing to do what Viole wanted. But he wasn't sadistic. He could pamper his Aguero a little, and skip the punishment part. Viole reached for the lube that laid on the nightstand, and let the cold substance cover Aguero's needy, twitching hole. Khun moaned loudly when Viole's member entered him.

“Harder, please!” Aguero yelled with no care that someone might hear him.

Hoarse incoherent sounds left Khun's mouth, when Viole increased the speed of his thrusts. The erotic act between them brought another deadly sin to their lives, and made it take full control of the lovers. A throbbing release of their passion ended with an intense orgasm, leaving two men in a chaos of their own bodies.

“Viole?” gasped Khun exhausted, craving for air. “I want to be yours only.”

“You're already mine, Aguero,” replied Viole. “You've always been.”

Gold eyes roamed around Khun's body once more, while pale hands untied him.

“Not in that way, Viole” Khun said. “I want to be yours forever.”

The man looked into cobalt eyes once more, as if he was looking for reassurance. Aguero was confident with what he wanted. Viole's lips left a few delicate kisses on his neck, and then bit it.

“For eternity, Aguero?”

“And even longer, Viole.”

[skvaderarts]

Hello and Welcome to Apocrypha!

Chapter One: Contemplation

The Masterlist will be listed when I publish chapter 2 on Wednesday because there is nothing to list yet lol! It’s on my AO3  and my FF.N though.

Chapter One: Contemplation

Notes: Hello everyone! Notes are at the end today! It's great to have you back for book two! Let me know what you think and thanks for coming back!

"Love seeketh only self to please,

To bind another to its delight,

Joys in another's loss of ease,

And builds a Hell in Heaven's despite."

-William Blake

Chapter One:

One week later…

Rays of golden light traced a path between the leaves and branches of a great oak tree and showered comforting warmth down upon the pavement below as large puffy white clouds attempted to interrupt them. After a long and arduous week of storms and overcast skies, the warm embrace of the sun was akin to a well stoked fire in the middle of a cold blizzard: comfortable and reaffirming. For it to be the middle of August, it was uncharacteristically cool today, although that could be attributed to the fact that Fortuna was an island and as such it benefited from a constant coastal breeze. That was fortunate considering the manner in which at least half of the island's occupant's still dressed. It seemed that despite their recent reservations about the Order and their illicit activities, some of them still couldn't shake the habit and it was a constant point of conflict within the community. But regardless, the weather was positively idyllic.

It was almost enough to lule someone right off to sleep. Thankfully, V had not given into temptation just yet, as doing so while he was supposed to be watching the children at a public park would be dreadfully irresponsible. He was many things, but he liked to think that "negligent" wasn't one of them. That wasn't to say that the thought hadn't crossed his midday weary mind, however. He had been awake since the crack of dawn, awoken by accident by the sound of Nero and Nico preparing to leave for an impromptu trip to what remained of Redgrave City. The local military had made the decision to quarden off the area and allow several different groups ranging from scientists to government agencies to come study it. But they were still in the beginning phases of building a containment zone around the city. Considering the fact that it was near several other population centers, the prospect of keeping the general public out was basically impossible. This was a project that was going to be months, if not years, in the making, and there would be a reckoning at the end of it. Somehow he could just feel it.

V tilted his head slightly as he forced himself to sit up right and stop slouching over so far on the park bench, his hair practically blinding him. He had to at least pretend that he wasn't on the verge of passing over the border into dreamland. He had volunteered to take the children to the park so that Kyrie could have some much needed "me time" since every other adult had left for the day. She hadn't asked, but he could tell she needed it. Nero generally helped keep them busy when he was home, but that wasn't going to be the case today. They didn't exactly have a school to be at with everything in the city under repairs, so occupying the time of three young boys who seemed to be practically overflowing with energy was difficult to say the least. Kyle, Carlo, and Julio were a stark contrast to him at the moment. It had been just over a week since he had returned to the mortal realm, and although he felt much less weak than he once had and his injuries had long since healed (at an uncharacteristically accelerated pace, at that), he still found himself limited by a staggering lack of energy. It was as if no matter how much he slept, he never stopped being drowsy. Or was that an unintended consequence of his constant napping? Perhaps his newfound accelerated healing abilities had sapped him of his remaining strength? It was relatively hard to say, and he wasn't going to expend valuable mental energy dwelling on it. He had to make it home, after all.

Home…

What a strange concept.

For most of his life he'd be transient to no fault of his own, constantly moving from place to place, so the idea of having a permanent dwelling was almost totally foreign. He wasn't entirely sure he even wanted that. It wasn't something he'd put much thought into, to be honest. For the most part, he just took things one day at a time, especially right now. There was no undue pressure to do anything besides exist here and he liked that, but the absence of a set goal made him admittedly anxious for no particular reason. V exhaled slowly and shook his head at himself. He was one of those people who was incapable of relaxing, wasn't he? The young summoner took a moment to stretch, contemplating the possibility of standing up. Should he go back to the house? There wasn't anything pressing to do there except ruin Kyrie's otherwise serene quiet time with the abrupt and all to familiar sound of excited children. He could spare a few more minutes for her sake before he went back and did the same thing he was doing now but in a different spot: a whole lot of nothing. It was strange how finding out he was part demon killed the excitement of almost everything else around him. Things weren't going to get too much more impressive outside of that. V smirked, starting to understand why seemingly everyone else in his family had a predilection for combat, one that he was easing himself into in his own way. While he was no stranger to a battle himself, he was most certainly much pickier than the rest of his kindred. But, then again, he had good reason to be, all things considered.

As if possessed by a need to spread his wings to keep himself awake, Griffon suddenly materialized and fluttered around the space between him and the sparse playground equipment, unintentionally highlighting the stark contrast between himself and the brightly colored children's attractions. Although a mostly nature oriented space, there were still swings, slides, and climbing equipment to occupy the time of younger visitors. A recent edition as the city attempted to add more outside influences in a bid to reinvent itself, even if only a little. V shot his avian companion a slightly irked look as he flew over to him and perched on the back of the wrought iron park bench he currently occupied, his arms spread out along the back of it leaving only a small space for the demonic bird to claim for himself.

"Pipe down, hot stuff. We're in a park! No one can even see us down here!" Griffon said, flapping both his wings and his beak. He already knew that V was going to object.

V schoffed. Now that they were in a populated city that wasn't composed of demons and the husks of what used to be it's unlucky residents, he was more careful about when and where he allowed his familiars to roam free. Even if Griffon didn't speak, he wasn't the most inconspicuous bird in existence and Shadow was a dead giveaway more likely to send people feeling for their lives than anything else even if they didn't realize she was a demon. While he had no choice but to acknowledge that they were sentient beings with their own wants and desires, they all had to admit that much like discretion was the better part of valor, not drawing the attention of literally everyone on the island was the better part of not causing issues for everyone they lived with. He was privy to the fact that Nero had only recently gained the trust and cooperation of the locals after a lifetime of being ostracized. V himself turned curious and cautious heads alike when he ventured outside of the confines of their cozy home. While no one had said anything to him (at all, really), he was sure that allowing people to see that he possessed demonic helpers in a city that had been terrorized by demons for generations wasn't the greatest way to gain the trust of the locals. That being said, he couldn't say that he was particularly intimidated by the people who lived here, either. They seemed more afraid of him than anything else, and that wasn't too much better if he was being honest. He didn't really enjoy being feared unless it was by his enemies. V possessed enough unsure feelings about himself as it was. He didn't need total strangers to add to it.

"Still though," V said as he threw a cautionary but unconcerned glance in either direction," my previous point still stands. We're not in Redgrave City anymore. I'm asking you to try and be discrete. Nothing more."

"Sure thing, Dorthy. I'll keep it in mind." Griffon said sarcastically as he preened himself.

V closed his eyes for a moment, thinking. At the end of the day, he knew that Griffon wasn't going to be uncooperative. But, at the same time, he understood where his companions were coming from. While they had more or less free roam of the house, there was significantly more room out here for his airally inclined pet to really stretch out and get comfortable. It was a difficult temptation to refuse. And they could almost instantaneously convert back into tattoos. Was he being too stern about this? If there was no one around to see it, what harm could it do? Did they all just need a good flight?

He opened his eyes again, content to put the matter aside for now. There was no harm in it and no rush to come to a decision, but there was definite harm in indecision and stress. Why was coming to a park so stressful to him? Why did he have to overthink everything? Or was he even overthinking in the first place. Ah, there he went again, overthinking things. He needed a distraction…

The white haired man spared a glance at the children. They were as they had been moments ago, playing happily and running amok, causing a ruckus. In a way, he envied them. He'd never really been interested in the concept of physical activity as a child, his attention firmly rooted in literature even then. And he'd never really had the energy… or any friends to play with to speak of…

This was a terrible distraction. Revisiting his childhood was never a healthy idea.

Why did every thought process in his infinitely expanding mind lead down some unwanted or unfortunate path? What he wouldn't give to be able to space out and think nothing at all like a normal person. Was that some facet of his demonic blood; that he should always be on high alert even when at rest? Perhaps he just needed a hobby or some sort of task to complete so that his mind didn't have time to dwell on these types of things. While running from his problems had never been advisable (or worked very well) he needed to set them aside for another time and focus on something more engaging. Or maybe he needed professional help. Who knew?

V uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, propping his elbows up on his knees and resting his face in the palms of his hands. There honestly wasn't much to do on this island, but if he left town and went to the mainland that was a different story. He hadn't done that in the entire time he'd been living with Nero, and he'd never visited the town that the other half of his immediate family lived in. Capulet, was it? Wasn't that next to Enamel, the city that Magnolia dwelled in? And then there was that matter as well. He hadn't visited her yet like she'd asked of him before she'd departed after she'd left the hospital a week earlier. Perhaps he could visit her and browse the local vacancies while he was at it? After all, even though there was no urgent need to leave, looking never hurt. It was something to do at the very least. That had to count for something. And following up with Vergil about the cult was still on the table even if he wasn't entirely sure what to do about that situation just yet. Or if it was preferable. But it had never been about that in the first place. At some point he would have to talk to his father...

Yes, he would start with Magnolia. That seemed to be a favorable course of action given the circumstances. Griffon shook his head, repressing the urge to laugh at how indecisive V was being. While he didn't have a play for play book on what he was thinking since V wasn't talking to him specifically, it didn't take a mental giant to figure out that he was going back and forth over something. And he wasn't getting anywhere from what he could tell.

"I think we should head back now," V said as he stood up. He stretched as much as his eager to protest body would allow him to and gestured towards the children. They pouted as expected, but didn't protest. Throwing a fit wasn't going to earn them a return trip and they knew it. That wasn't a hypothesis they needed to test out. Griffon did a second lap around the playground while V waited for the children to join him before flying back over to dematerialize and rejoin with his master. The group then turned their attention to the path that led out of the park. Home wasn't more than three blocks from here, a fact that V was grateful for considering his continued lack of a cane and his current energy reserves. They would be there in no time at all and it was just past noon. They all had the whole day ahead of them.

-~-

Welcome back everyone! Just a few quick points! As always, I am happy to hear your comments and feedback! I decided to not stress myself out with an arbitrary work count minimum so the chapters will be a bit more organic this time around. That doesn't necessarily mean they will be longer or shorter, just that they will be however long they need to be to tell the story correctly. That being said, chapter two is longer than this one, so that's fun! I also want to give a special thank you to everyone who filled out the questionnaire for me at the end of the last book! At this time, it's closed, but it made a huge impact on how I arranged things in this book. The way this is going, I may very well just keep writing for this AU for the foreseeable future as we all seem to enjoy it. I even went out and purchased a new laptop just for this (I'm not rich, it's just a nice chromebook since I use Google Doc and my table is having a hard time) Wednesday and Friday between Noon and six pm CDT is still the publishing time. And thank you all very much for reading chapter one! See you back here on the 22nd of July! I hope my spelling was better this time around!

[ruffiorocks]

Supergirl season 5 episode 7

Ok, this one hit me right in the feels! How very dare they do this and tug at my heart strings!

First off Lena just sat casually waiting for Levaithan to come, she really doesn't care about herself much anymore does she?

Hmmm.... is a it just me or is Hope being way more concerned than an AI should be? I have an inkling Eve is manifesting her way through. Hope sounded way to anxious and human when asking Lena not to provoke Levaithan and the dangers of them.

What the heck was that presentation even about?

Ok NO Kara and Jonn! Malefic was a child who was locked up foe beinf different by his own father, banished to what is essentially Hell, abandoned by his brother, who then decided it was a fab idea to erase his very existence from everyone including himself! Malefic didn't deserve to be once again banished to the phantom zone regardless of what he did. 'To dangerous to be kept contained on Earth?' So let's send him back to hell? Yeah Kara and Jonn can f**k off with that.

Finally! A bit more about Levaithan and creepy granny being told off! "She is a Luthor' even Levaithan lackies recognise Lena's talents!

Ok, so Levaithan has been around since the dinosaurs, from what I gather they try to 'fix humanity every now and then. Is this different to Lena's plan to stop humans harming eachother? Or Myriad and Astra, or even the DEO and Kara taking it upon themselves to deal threats? Kara does take on a lot authority and makes decisions on behalf of Earth, usually without consulting Earth. Seems to me everyone has their own ideas on how to 'fix' or 'deal' with potential issues, they just don't go about it the same way.

🤣 snowflake generation "does that mean they melt?" Yes Rama Khan that's pretty much EXACTLY what it means, one wrong word and they melt into a puddle crying 'offended'.

So I'm thinking Blondie is going to team up with Lena since they seem to have the same idea, they don't want brute force.

That trial of Lena's and her being saved happened far to quickly. Also NO WAY did Kara get there that fast!

Aww Brainy! 'Earth Benders' 🤣

Aww I miss Brainy and Lena together.

Sooo.... Supergirl just debunked Christianity and Noahs arc 😅 subtle lol

Why is Kara shocked that someone could be thousands if years old? I mean unless someone kills her SHE is going to be thousands of years old.

Lena is being so OBVIOUS right now I feel like slapping Kara because 'for God's sake Kara!! Lena isn't OK and that is not how she usually acts! Yes i know the dynamic has changed before you all yell at me, BUT there's a difference between not being OK and blatantly lying! Katie is so obvious 😅 it's like watching Morganas evil smirk everytime someone turns away from her.

I said it the other day and I'll say it again! It's SICK that Superman and Supergirl keep dangerous world destroying weapons as trophies of their 'victories'. Those things should be destroyed!! 'We keep things there that can harm us' Because why would we destroy those things? Sure that won't come back and bite us in the ....Ohhhhh.

Why is Lena acting like she doesnt know what the fortress is? Lena YOU WERE THERE!! you stood there, yelling at your mother for shutting the portal and leaving Supergirl on the Daxamite ship! Ugh!

Lena's obviousness is obvious!

"A Luthor in the fortress of Solitude" 😂😂 Lena is trolling herself and Kara at the same time!

Oh... Jonn you remembered MURDERING Manchester Black? Glad you remembered!

Ok Myrnn is awesome! But also sucks for how he treated Mal!

Why is Jonn, or Kara etc forgiven for all things by the audience and the characters? What Jonn did to Mal was horrific, his murder of Manchester was horrific but he gets to have a chat with dad and all is forgiven!

Finally!! An explosion actually caused some issues!

Hahaha even a concust Alex wakes up with perfect hair 😂

Yeah the CGI in this episode kinda sucks!

Lena is trolling Kara so much! And Kara is starting to remember the bullshit she did to Lena!! Oh...Yeah you're right, I was an awful ass who lied to you constantly and even made you freak out thinking I was dead while you had frantically tried to save my life and I was in zero danger. Oh..... That wasn't nice was it? I see it now!

Lena 'we are far beyond those boys and their sticks and stones, let's me and you go and grab the most dangerous weapons possible!' 🤝

Hahaha myrnn playing the pro noun game!

Nawww Kelly and Alex are cute.

Oh Lena's voice is cracking, she can barely hold it together. She is broken!

Kara had taken to long to realise or even remember all the crap she put Lena through, now Lena is making her realise it all and she is awkward as hell.

Oh come on! Lena sees tech she's only heard of before and instantly knows how to use it? This is almost as bad her knowing how to pilot the legion ship!

Ok Kara is an irresponsible dumb ass! Bestie or not WHY is she letting Lena use tech here? Even Alex or Brainy watches at the DEO when she's there, not out of mistrust but supervision!

I need Malefic to meet with Myrnn the way Jonn does!

This situation with Mal reminds me of when disabled kids were shut away and people acted like the didn't exist, you know? Rather than actually trying to DO something!

😂😂 Lex's 'many human hair wigs'

Ok, I'm going to say it again!! Why the F**KITY F**K does Kara STILL have Myriad?!! 'Oh if there's one thing I could destroy it would be that' then f**king destroy it Kara!! Launch it into a bloody volcano! Don't keep it!! This is how heart broken Luthors are able to steal stuff, because Kara Zor El, YOU and Kal El are DUMB ASSES!! no I will not take that back! This is stupid!! It's like the writers knew they were going to need Myriad again and thought 'let's just have Kara not destroy it, because I mean why would she have done that to something so dangerous and that she felt ashamed of her family for making and she made that abundantly clear in season one?' 😑😑

I love Brainy!!

So is blonde ladies tech perhaps actually Obsiden Tech?

I swear to RAO there was an ice sculpture arm chair in that fight!

Again, CGI of this episode is awful!

'I am the Earth! I was able to manipulate the fortress to throw it at you when i arrived, but now i can't?

Ok, did Kara just low key say 'OK boomer' by calling Rama Khan 'welcome to Krypton old man'?? 😅😅

Lena is bad ass!

Oh, here it comes! My heart is broken! Finally the ball.has dropped on Kara, sorry it's about freaking time!! Oh Kara STOP you DID use her, stop denying it now you're both last that!

Oh!! Take that haters! Kara just admitted she thought she killed Lex!!

Lena is so traumatised, she's not even looking at Kara when talking about holding the gun. She hasn't processed this at all, she is destroyed! She's saying all the things that Kara DID do to her, constantly telling her betrayal hurts her and Kara carried on.

Oh she's screaming! She can't hold it together anymore! She hasn't processed this at all. I don't think this is all hate for Kara, it's late for herself and what she did, and she needs someone to hate, a person to blame! She isn't holding it together anymore.

Yeah haters I'm sorry, but Kara did treat Lena like a villain more than once.

Did Lena even say Kara's name at a this episode? All I heard was Supergirl.

Kara is broken, Lena is broken. Kara did wrong to Lena and now Lena is doing wrong to Kara.

I'm sorry but Jonns sudden patching things up with Mal is a bit much for me. Glossed over!

But Mal and Jonn is paralleling Lena and Kara. One betrayed and broke the other, then the other turned the tables. If only Lena could look into Kara's mind. Seriously though, if Mal can get over what Jonn did which was HORRIFIC I have hope for our Lena!

Sooo... in conclusion, good episode, everything other than Kara and Lena felt quick and forced though. I'm glad they have Kara finally realising that a few words and tears doesn't fix your awful behaviour. Yes I know I'm harsh on Kara but it was Kara who did those horrible things to Lena under the guise of 'protecting her' and by her own words 'being selfish so she could keep her' Lena didn't deserve any of what happened and she just spelt it out to Kara.

I think Lena is truly broken, she couldn't keep it together at all.

I feel bad for both of them to be honest, Kara because she's going to be broken to and has lost Lena and Lena because she's broken and had lost Kara.

[hamliet]

Is writing about abuse you haven't experience first hand insensitive? (Or about mental illness,sexuality,or any other group of people who you don't necessarily relate to but you empathize with. )

*clears throat* No. Emphatic no.

But wait, there’s still nuance! Lol. I know the “woke” young adult lit community*on twitter likes to say that you can only write your own experience, but they can’t even abide their own standards, but I could not disagree more, and I don’t think you have to agree with their opinions just because they say so.

So, for starters, because the abuse thing is personal for me and I don’t mind talking about it: I should not have to disclose my past abuse to write a storythat involves it, nor should people read my stories that involve abuse as autobiographical. That’sjust... both are ethically suspect, I’d say, to expect of an author or for a reader to interpret as such.

However, I do think that if you are writing about a sensitiveexperience that is not your own, you should approach it with a learning perspective.Like, please do research into the symptoms, causes, and feelings of aparticular mental illness. Read pieces written by people who have it, read conflictingpieces because experiences are often varied, see the character you’re writingabout as a full human being and love them.

Some might tell you you got the portrayal wrong;however, there is no monolith of opinions and experiences by people of color, bypeople of a certain religion, by abuse survivors, by sexuality, etc. And youcannot claim to speak for all of them. I would say to learn about what might be a harmful portrayal (for example, a quadriplegic person feeling despair and killing themselves at the end is not exactly a story unheard of in the real world; however, for people with that condition who read that book... what are you trying to say to them? Is that the experience you want to give voice to? I do think people need to be responsible with their words; however, there isn’t clear line for what is responsible vs. what is irresponsible).

I would ask, though: what is your reasonfor writing a particular trait/using a particular plot point? For example, areyou doing it to be like “let’s torture porn the poor person” or “let’s ostracizethe person with dissociative identity disorder and fear them” or “sexualassault for shock value"? Or are you writing it because you care deeply for thecharacter, and you don’t want to define them entirely by their trauma, by theirillness, by their race or gender or sexuality, but you also know that these things do playa role in who they are? It is neither entirely you, nor is irrelevant. (TO BE CLEAR: race and sexuality and gender are by nomeans illnesses or trauma, but society ostracizes and fails to accurately and empathetically give representation of these things, that is why Iam talking about all these--though certainly that’s open to critique and I sincerely apologize if it seems like I’m linking them; imo, racism, homophobia, ableism, and the like are abusive systems).

I do tendto shy away from, like, coming out stories (as a straight woman(, or about whatit’s like to be black in America (as a white person). Those aren’t my stories totell and I would prefer to elevate voices that have experienced them. But I definitely don’t want to only write about white girls who grew up in fundamentalist religious cults. That isn’t healthy for me, for one thing, and part of what makes writing so thrilling is being able to empathize with a character, to learn about them, to be their friend in some ways, to have them teach you and challenge you. Yes, I write lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender, asexual, intersex characters. I write characters of other races and nationalities, I write genderqueer characters and men as well as women, I write characters with depression and also with other mental illnesses. Diversity is good. But you have to be sensitive and open to critique, and there will always be someone whose experience does not line up with what you portray and you should hear them out. However, again, keep in mind that different people, even from the same community, feel differently. You shouldn’t dismiss what they say--sometimes you need to take your humble pie and learn from what they say, other times it may be true that the criticism is more just about different opinions--but you also shouldn’t let fear limit you.

Write with nuance. Write with empathy. You’ll be amazed what you’ll learn.

*I think the “twitter woke” YA crowd starts off good—not wanting to hurtpeople and wanting to respect people—but I think especially in YA twitter, it’sbecome more about having moral superiority, and as a cult survivor who grew upwith everyone jostling for moral superiority… nah. Miss me with that. Practice andideals are two different things, it’s complicated, you cannot be perfect norplease everyone but that isn’t an excuse for hypocrisy or for not caring, etc. Honestly just be guidedby nuance and empathy.  

[fierceawakening]

advice pls?

this was submitted by an anon

i’ve added paragraph breaks so i can read it more easily

(abuse adjacent cw??) please don’t feel obligated to answer but. my last relationship was kind of… bad? it was my first time really trying bdsm and while some of it was great other parts were not and i… came out kinda traumatized. some of it was honest misunderstanding on his part but he also didn’t really listen to me or negotiate properly imo. when i said i didn’t like something, he would say that was ok or good because bdsm is about subs doing things they don’t like for their doms (and they’re supposed to enjoy it on a meta level or something?), and he said i shouldn’t safeword to get out of a scene i didn’t want to do, i should do it and then afterward tell him why i didn’t want to do it. 

i said i didn’t want to 24/7 but he would randomly come into my room and give me a command and then hit me if i didn’t do it anyway. he knows more than i do so i trusted his expertise i guess, even though it felt wrong to me. and it’s not like he went heavy with pain or injury or degradation or anything (except when he accidentally injured me lol) and i feel like a wimp or a failure and ashamed for being hurt anyway. (i feel like a lot of subs are having a “more fucked up than thou” contest and i failed it, idk if that’s fair.) he kept hitting and biting me even after i explicitly told him to stop, for months until we broke up, which seems more clearly not-okay but again it wasn’t hard, it was supposed to be in good fun and i knew it, it was considered ok by the original context and terms of our relationship if that makes sense. i still think it’s bad but i know it wasn’t very bad. 

from what kinky people i see online are into and their attitude toward consent (more “try something and escalate unless they safeword” than “negotiate in words beforehand”) it seems about normal and i think they would all roll their eyes at me if i complained about something at this level. i guess i just want to ask someone who knows from bdsm, is this considered ok and normal? 

please no answers like “it’s ok to be traumatized by whatever you’re traumatized by”, while i’m sure it’s true it’s not helpful to me. i just want to know if these are the norms in bdsm and i just got what i signed up for, and in that case fair enough and i should stick to vanilla stuff i guess. i guess sending this i’m hoping you’ll say “no that was bad and not okay”, but if not i’m prepared to accept that answer. thank you for taking the time to read regardless.

oh yeah and if i said something hurt (in the bad way) he would say i was being a wimp or a pussy and like, i was, but. and he also started doing breathplay without really negotiating either, but i liked it so i didn’t mind, so maybe i am a hypocrite.

Anon, you asked for my unvarnished opinion, so here it is:

This person’s behavior was abusive and cruel and it’s not only “okay to be traumatized by whatever you’re traumatized by,” it’s 100% understandable that you were traumatized by this.

From what you say, this person repeatedly violated your boundaries and then made YOU feel bad about it, when HE’S the one who did it. He ignored or worse mocked and belittled common-sense requests to negotiate about the things that were upsetting and hurtful to you. And he insulted you by telling you over and over that if you did not immediately give him exactly the amount of power HE WANTED and nothing less, you weren’t submissive enough, somehow.

THIS IS NOT HOW THINGS SHOULD WORK. EVER.

AND I AM SO SORRY SOMEONE TREATED YOU THIS WAY JUST BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING FOR FUN.

That is 100% not okay, and that is on him, not you.

I’m not going to say what you did “wasn’t BDSM” because I think a lot of people ignore the crappy people in our community by going, “oh if it really harmed someone physically or emotionally that’s ~not BDSM~ so we don’t have to worry about it.”

But I AM going to say this:

BDSM is supposed to be fun.

It’s supposed to be something the people involved like doing and look forward to doing. 

It’s not supposed to be frightening. Anything that IS “frightening” should be, like, horror movie thrill kinda thing. Where you’re excited and keyed up but you know you’re really safe with this person.

And you should only do THAT if it’s something you both want. AND if you try it and oh shit this is scaring me for real, you should be able to safeword, and if you do the response should be “shit, sorry, are you okay” and not “rrrgdjkhjks i was just beginning to have fun.”

There are people out there who get pretty serious and intense about their kinks and take risks with it. And I’ve definitely met some of them who do things I can’t imagine being up for and seem happy afterward. So that does exist. 

BUT.

You know what they don’t do, if they’re decent people? Find someone who is just starting to think about what might be fun and proceed to shame and belittle them for Not Being Serious Enough.

I don’t think you are a wimp or a failure. 

I think your ex messed with your head (and did unsafe irresponsible things to your body, too), and I think that wasn’t okay.

[dontthinkonithermione]

Me re: Truth

Yesterday brought up the very real issue of internet safety, and I sat on the objective truth out of fear of retaliation. Never done that before — it won’t be happening again, cuz that’s fucked up.

If you follow me, you will get the truth 🤷🏾‍♀️. If the truth offends you, you will have a hard time here. Another truth.

It’s literally irresponsible of me to be quiet on this: I am shocked and surprised that adults have pushed and thought this platform is anything other than a public internet space. You can try and protect each other — try being the main word. But you will find that after a point it is impossible. Because the truth of the internet is that what you put here stays here, and there are dangers present at all times. I don’t know when, or really why that needed clarification, or why we thought we were exempt from this objective truth— but there it is. I am not going to be an adult on here telling you or anyone else that this is not the truth, and that this space is “different”.

You cannot be shielded from people who want to find you. What I’m saying has nothing to do with the love you have for your friends. It is a fact as plain as the sun rising each day in America. It is a fact like red means stop and green means go when you drive.

There is no calculated risk in joining a website and being online, because the bottom line of being online is that people can find you at any time. It is in its very nature — unpredictable. It’s the nature of virality. Bringing in rhetoric like “calculated risks” are a logical fallacy — something that runs rampid on this website, and though they seem appealing (it’s their nature) I don’t subscribe to logical fallacies because they are dangerous and misleading — the Buzzfeed article mayhem is case and point. You may think you took a calculated risk, you may have weighed pros and cons and gone through all the motions; the Internet is still the Internet. It didn’t change just because you “thought hard about it”. People can still find you, this is a public space.

We signed up for THAT risk full well knowing, with no delusions about it. You need to know what you signed up for when you post yourself online. And I sure as hell won’t be complicit in having other people think that *I* think otherwise. Because here’s what that looks like:

X person meets Y person online in our community. Y person starts a friendship with x person! X person thinks they are safe and sends them details to meet up! Y person meets up and harms person X.

Person X is angry with ME or TT or JESS because “YOU SAID WE WERE SAFE. I FELT SAFE HERE. HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL US”

Lastly, a disclaimer I have to put due to the nature of my blackesss: I am not mad. I am not angry. I am earnest and pretty deeply concerned and disappointed with what I saw yesterday regarding what the internet actually is. It’s akin to people who believe the world is flat. How do you even...it’s beyond my comprehension.

If I sound severe, it is because this is severe. It is because I am serious, and I take some responsibility to use my platform not only for fun and sillyness but to relay the truth. To say I am in awe of TT and Jess is to put it lightly. Also shout out to Chan lol.

If you have questions DM me — I won’t think you’re a “lil bitch” for not putting it out in the open, or any other slanderous term. Door is open, always.

[allbeendonebefore]

Hey hapo what's with the sea of blue in sask and Alberta during the election like did Sheer make that good of an impression on Sask voters??? NDP is option??

sea of blue you say? obviously we created our own blue sea since we’re not allowed access to tidewater JKJKJKJK

this is a really complicated question and I’m trying to think about how best to explain it. my feelings on the issue are very mixed because i feel like i have a foot or a hand in several camps like some convoluted twister game. it’s something that a lot of identity and emotion is tied up in for a lot of people and it’s rooted very firmly in inequalities that have existed for over a century and get expressed differently in different regions. It’s something that I grew up saturated in and I’ve done a lot of reading about (and of course there’s always more on my reading list) but I’ll try and highlight a few reasons that I’ve been musing about so as not to be too overwhelming. 

it’s something that is really hard to explain to people from outside the province because we’re quick to be written off (sometimes rightfully so, others not) but it’s something that’s equally hard to explain to people inside the province. As I said it’s something we’re all saturated in, we are born into it or we grow up in it and it’s really hard to confront a lot of things surrounding it. And I definitely have my own biases and background and relation to this issue and I must stress that as furious as I am with people in large groups making dumb ass decisions, I can’t be angry at individuals because I get a lot of why this happens even though I find it personally misguided or ignorant at best and actively harmful, selfish, and self-sabotaging at worst. But when I explain this I hope it makes sense why for a lot of people it feels like the only option.

And my last preface is that I am speaking from an Alberta perspective, if my followers in Saskatchewan want to add on to this please feel free. I’m glossing over a lot here because I’m trying to keep this short and understandable… but when have I ever done that lol.

Yeah, it got long.

so why does the west go conservative. it’s not scheer, and if you remember harper you’ll remember personality is never high on our list of priorities. [insert gif of harper explaining how he too is a human who watches netflix here] 

1. History 

To sum up two hundred years: Alberta and Saskatchewan were never equal partners in confederation with other provinces. They were purchased and carved up by the Canadian government which then imposed the two party system on the provinces, which prior had consensus government which (i believe) was similar to how NWT and Nunavut continue to operate. They were not given the rights to their own resources until decades after joining confederation. They were given Liberal governments because the Liberals were and are considered the “natural” governing party of Canada, and while Saskatchewan has flopped between Liberal and Conservative governments like many eastern provinces, Alberta has always had a radical streak and has NEVER re-elected an unseated party in its history. And no, I don’t consider the UCP a continuation of the previous 4 decades of conservative rule, even though they imagine themselves to be the inheritors of that legacy. 

Fast forward to the direct impacts: in the 70s, world events that severely impacted oil production caused Eastern Canada to absolutely panic and force Alberta and Saskatchewan (yet again) into providing discounts on their production to soften the blow in Ontario and Quebec of rising prices, forbidding them to sell for a profit to the United States. This included both oil products and potash, hugely lucrative products in AB and SK. It was a continuation of Eastern Canada imagining and treating the prairies as property, as chattel, where provinces like Quebec and BC would never be asked to undersell to benefit the rest of the country. 

The current federal conservative party is an amalgamation of reactions to this situation and related ones: the Progressive party (which was a complete misnomer) originated in Manitoba, the Reform party emerged from what I understand as the “first wave” of western separatism, and even though Reform was defeated federally it is still a direct ancestor to Stephen Harper and by extension Andrew Scheer. Harper’s policies are the natural product of decades of conservative governments dating back to Preston and Earnest Manning’s Social Credit party in Alberta.

That said, people from both inside and outside the provinces completely misunderstand Harper’s (and Kenney’s) “Western-ness” or “Albertan-ness”. Both of them ran on western issues and appear to speak up for western interests, but those issues and interests only go as far as the CEOs of the oil companies are concerned, not the working class in the industry. Harper and Kenney actively undermined the equalization formula for the west and had the gall to campaign on striking a good deal for the west. Federal politicians do not have to ever strike a good deal for the west, they will ALWAYS prioritize voters in Ontario and Quebec so long as our voting system remains this way. 

2. Identity

My next point in the long agonizing question of Why This is a sensitive one. In Alberta we have my parent’s generation who were voting age at the toppling of Social Credit by Lougheed’s Conservatives. For Alberta this was a monumental shift in taking no shit from Ottawa that people still look back on. Lougheed was a hero for demanding a fair price from Canada for Alberta, and he was incredibly concerned with managing the resource and the profits wisely. While conservative governments were natural and long standing in eastern Canada, this was the first time they had taken power in Alberta and they made a dramatic and revolutionary impression, which is not a thing that conservative governments are usually known to do. 

My parent’s generation remembers this time of intense prosperity. My parent’s generation raised their children in this boom-bust cycle and my parent’s generation watched as Lougheed’s heritage fund was spent out from under us. I grew up under Ralph Klein’s government- intensely popular for a premier and who’s legacy was as powerful as Lougheed’s, but incredibly polarizing. He gave $300 to every man, woman and child in the province (except my fam because we had just moved back and didn’t have residency, lol) which was memorable if irresponsible. But it was men like Klein who had the charisma and the presence to make people really take pride in the industry, to worship the boom-bust, and to consider all problems solved. Klein did not give a shit about the part of Alberta I grew up in, and friends who lived in the far north of the province fared even worse. It’s absolutely no wonder that the Edmonton area consistently votes “against” the rest of the province when we were left isolated and broken during the bust of the 90s and ignored repeatedly in the mid to late 2000s. 

I have a deep seated and extreme resentment for Ralph Klein’s government and it’s not because I missed out on my 300 Ralph Bucks or because I don’t have connections to the industry, it’s because I grew up with a deep seated fear that I wouldn’t be able to complete my education or that if I got sick something horrible would happen. I was legitimately terrified I would not be able to make it to secondary school because of the cuts his government made on rural schools, and for friends of mine who were not as lucky and well supported as I was, it was even worse. I won’t drag their personal stories onto the internet to make my point, but know 

But the point of this all is that the people alive today who vote are people who remember this time of prosperity, of fighting Ottawa, and of relative ‘freedom’ from taxation and so on and so forth are constantly trying to hold onto that time. The kids in my generation who I went to school with did not have to graduate high school - my school had a 70% drop out rate because people would go straight to the patch or into a related industry. In Alberta, every industry is a related industry. There is not an aspect of living in Alberta that the patch doesn’t touch. This is hard to understand for people outside the province. It was actual culture shock to me to come to Ontario where funders of schools and businesses are families that date back to confederation rather than Enbridge or Suncor. 

Moreover, the people who work in the patch do an incredibly difficult and dangerous job for incredible amounts of money and it’s no wonder they are so valourized. The people who work in the patch are more dependent on the companies than they are on the government. During the fire of 2016, it may have been the government providing evacuation stations, but it was the companies who got people out. Working class people feel seriously undervalued and are obviously seriously defensive about the industry for real, concrete reasons. 

The past four decades have shaped generations of people in this way. This is not something easily reversed. Voting conservative is almost inextricable from Albertan identity and it’s impossible to explain concisely. We all grow up with the same arguments and talking points, we are all imbued with anger and defensive remarks from birth, and to people outside the province our arguments can sound rehearsed to the point of sounding cult-like. Stop Using Plastic If You Don’t Like It. Stop Driving and Flying. Stop Importing from Dictatorships. Stop Being a Hypocrite. They are easy, simple mantras to absolve anyone related to the industry (which is everyone) of any guilt because they don’t have to be a hypocrite if they just embrace the reality. There is no room for any critical thought in this identity, there is no room for discussion, there is nothing beyond Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and Don’t Ever Criticize What Keeps Everything Running. It’s normal and natural to feel upset when people who don’t grow up with this line of thinking find it strange.

3. Alienation

So why doesn’t our valourization of the working class translate directly into NDP votes? Why does Rachel Notley become vilified for speaking and acting as Peter Lougheed did in the 1970s? Why do we continue voting conservative and say thank you when they betray us and kick us in the balls every single time? Why do we cover up our oh-so-shameful history of birthing the CCF/NDP out of the desperation and destitution of the Great Depression? 

As I’ve been saying it’s complicated, but it’s also really simple. No federal party ever speaks to us. Not a single one. The conservatives barely have to because they know our identity as conservative dates back to before a time when we even had a provincial upper-case Conservative government ourselves. Scheer can parade up and down parliament hill with his appeals to free speech and his pro life base and his white supremacist dogwhistles all he likes because he knows keeping Alberta and Saskatchewan “happy” (read: angry) is easy. This is a man who said himself that he doesn’t need ‘indian votes’ to win and he certainly was far more worried about keeping Doug Ford out of the spotlight during his campaign and pissing off Ontario than he was about us, and premier kenney spent all his time in office campaigning for scheer instead of running the goddamn province, including preparing us for an emergency. And we lap it up while screaming bloody murder if rachel notley is not personally handing out waterbottles on the side of the highway of death. 

No party, not even the conservatives, truly speaks to Albertans. We get hated on constantly by the rest of the country because we appear to be full of climate change deniers, but even the CEO of SUNCOR condemns deniers and politicians who cater to them. A lot of Albertans do acknowledge climate change is a reality despite how we’re painted, but because of the misunderstanding we feel directed at us constantly we tend to react badly and would rather hole up in our bunkers and let the rest of the country freeze in the dark - or melt in the sun as it were. No party speaks to working class rural people. No party makes the attempt to speak to people who are still only grappling with already outdated terminology like “global warming” while they are shoveling snow in August or September. No party is talking about actual grievances that working class people in Alberta face, such as long hours away from home and family or intense isolation that leads to addiction and death, that matter more to people than seemingly hypothetical change in climate that happens Elsewhere, not Here. Parties need to start coming up with concrete solutions that will make the inevitable transition more than just necessary but inclusive and beneficial. No one wants to feel like they have to start from scratch, no one wants to worry about what to do or how it will help. We aren’t used to thinking about solving problems, and we keep putting it on the next generation while we make it even harder for them.  

The more we are criticized the more militaristic the vocabulary becomes, and that’s why we provincially voted for a war room and tax cuts while taking the money from school lunch programs. We rest on our laurels of having the lowest child poverty rate in the country while stealing money from children and blaming their parents for them going hungry. It’s abominable. And a lot of us realize it. And a lot of us still feel as if we have no choice. A lot of progressive voices get drowned out in stifling silence and any change feels like an existential threat. We got ourselves into this mess, but we all need to work together to get out of it. And that means listening to the strongest opposition we’ve had in nearly a half century. That means being grown ups and sitting at the table with the rest of the country. That means fighting the gut reaction to sputter out talking points you were taught to say because it meant protecting your family. That also means that we need to be listened to in return without smugness or patronizing attitudes from politicians or the rest of the country. 

If you want us to switch to alternative energy, you all need to step up and start helping us do that. As long as we feel as if it’s being imposed on us we will struggle and we will fight, but it’s exactly why it’s so important to change the tone of the conversation. Listen to us. Help us. Make us feel like we’re part of the country. Give us the tools we need to be better. Encourage us to be leaders in the energy industry because we love being the best and thrive off healthy competition. Appeal to real, concrete issues for working class people with real concrete solutions. 

yeah. uh. [places mic shakily back on the stand] peace im going to bed, fight me or whatever.