#It's hard to get people to read at all so I'll be honest it's hard for me to judge people who do read by reading garbage | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

talaok · 2 months ago

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Acting Normal

Pairing: Javier Peña x fem!reader

Summary: Javi’s been thinking about that night every minute of every day, while you're acting like it never even happened, and if he doesn't do something about it, he's gonna lose his mind.

warnings: smut| fingering, protected p in v sex, dirty talk, javi being a simp, sex in the workplace, (it's not public but there's a possibility of getting caught)

a/n: I already know what to write for part 3, this couple is my new obsession lol

This is a part 2 to this story, but it can be read alone

Javi

This was really important stuff

He was really supposed to be listening

He was paid to listen to it,

that's what he kept repeating himself,

and yet- yet if someone asked him to repeat whatever Carillo was saying, he couldn't have spit out one singular word.

But it wasn't his fault, not really.

You must have been doing it on purpose, there was no way you were doing all that just accidentally.

Your lips were wrapped around the lollipop in a way that left nothing to the imagination- he could feel those lips on him, he knew how soft and sweet they were from kissing them, but around him... oh they would feel even sweeter, he was sure-

"If you're not gonna listen to me then why am I even here?"

It took Javier much too long to realize what Carillo had said

"I'm listening" he stated with enough confidence to fool anyone- except he was talking to one of the few people that could see right through his bullshit.

"I'm surprised you haven't done it yet" the Colonel shook his head, blowing out a cloud of smoke "I thought she would have given in by now"

"I don't know what you're talking about"

Carillo couldn't help but laugh.

"You've been obsessed with her since she first arrived"

Javier hadn't even noticed that his gaze was back on you... or that his colleague had spoken again.

"yeah," Carillo chuckled, patting Javi's back "I'll just talk to Murphy"

And that was that, Carillo was gone, and Peña was left at a desk at the corner of the room, staring at you with the intensity with which a lion watches a gazelle.

He didn't know what the fuck to do.

To be completely honest with himself, he'd made a fucking mess.

He'd always been attracted to you, I mean there's not much of you that any man could find not hot, and sure, he'd spent about a year flirting with you as you rolled your eyes at him... but that's just how he was- he never thought it'd ever actually happen- and now...

Now he was fucked

You seemed so incredibly normal around him, like that night a week ago had been just a perfect dream, while him- fuck he couldn't even look at you without picturing how perfect you looked from between your tighs.

He'd thought he could manage to just do it that one time, to get it out of his system... what a stupid fucking bastard- he'd only made everything ten times worse.

And the worst part was that you didn't seem affected by it, not even a little bit- like now, there you were, looking all concentrated and everything, your brows furrowed, your bare legs crossed, one of them swinging ever so often, and your lips... your lips wrapped around the candy were an image sent straight from heaven.

Fuck- he was half fucking hard just by looking at you.

He needed to do something- now- or he was gonna go fucking crazy.

__ __ __

"can I have a talk with you for a moment?"

He was leaning over your desk, not doing a great job of masking his desire.

You, on the other hand, hadn't even looked up from the paper before you.

"what's up?"

what's up?

He'd made you squirt on your boss' desk for fuck's sake, and you tell him what's up??

"Just something I think you could help me out with, in the evidence room"

"now?" you winced, finally looking at him

"Yeah now"

__ __ __

"so what is it? did they misplace a file again-"

"How are you acting so normal?"

A gasp fled your mouth as you turned around and found him but an inch from you

"Jesus" you breathed "what are you talking about?"

"and who even eats lollipops past the age of five?"

He took a step closer and you took a step back, only for your back to hit the wall.

He'd cornered you.

"what is going on with you?" you hissed, only for him to take another slow step, and place his hand on the wall, right next to your head

"you, that's what's going on with me" his breath was fanning over your mouth, images of last week's night flashing both your minds "I've had the best sex of my life with you, and you're acting like it was just another Tuesday night"

"I-"

"I can still taste you on my tongue, I can still feel you around me, and you look at me like I'm nothing more than a fucking colleague y/n"

"Javier-"

"And then" he chuckled darkly, interrupting you once again "and then you have the nerve to suck on a fucking lollipop right in front me-"

A soft laugh couldn't help but bubble up your throat at that.

"Did that seriously... turn you on?"

"So what if it did?" he purred, his left hand finding your waist and forcing you off the wall and flush against him, against the blatant proof of his arousal.

You gasped, your hands clutching the shirt covering his chest.

"you're worse than a hormonal teenager"

His eyes sparked with malice as he bent down, his mouth skimming your mouth and cheeks, leaving shivers in his passage, until he pressed his lips right below your ear.

"A hormonal teen that made you squirt for the first time in your life"

"Javier-" your voice had already reduced to a thread of a whimper.

Fuck him and his irresistible sex appeal.

He was right, no one had ever made you feel as good as he had, and as much as he thought you weren't affected by that knowledge, he'd be shocked to find out how difficult it proved not to squirm every time he merely looked at you.

Yes, of course you were constantly thinking about that night too.

"Tell me you don't think about it"

He was like a mind reader

You stayed silent, conscious that any response you could give would inevitably give you away.

"That's what I thought" A snicker rumbled from his chest, his hand moving from your waist to slide underneath the hem of your skirt.

You hummed, your brain only half functioning as he continued to trail hot wet kisses down your throat.

"W-what are you doing?" you tried to speak normally without success.

"what does it look like I'm doing?" he smirked, his hand now fully cupping your clothed core, making you whine "What I've been thinking of doing for a whole damn week- so I don't lose my mind"

Two of his fingers were circling the wet spot on your panties when a phone rang from the other room, making your eyes snap open.

What the fuck were you doing?

You were at work- anyone could come in at any moment.

"Javier wait," you said, finally getting your voice back to normal.

"what is it, sweetheart?" from the way his eyes were still a thousand shades darker and blatantly staring at your mouth you could have guessed the danger of being caught didn't trouble him one bit.

"We can't"

He groaned frustratedly then, his head falling between your neck and shoulder

"why not sweetheart?"

"are you serious?" a quick laugh bubbled up your throat "we're at work"

"so?"

"so?" you parroted, only your voice was heightening with exasperation "so anyone could catch us at any given moment"

A soft smirk pulled at his lips, the hand that was still on your wall going to your waist to get you flush against him

"Are you ashamed of me sweetheart?" he teased

"Well, to be completely honest having sex with the biggest slut in Columbia isn't exactly my highest moment"

He feigned a gasp, his hot breath fanning over your own parted mouth

"Me? A slut?"

"yeah, you" You couldn't fight the smile pulling at your lips.

There he was, doing it again- making all your common sense fly out the window with his godforsaken charm.

"c'mon baby, I'll be quick"

And although you didn't want to, you could see yourself starting to consider his proposal.

"that's supposed to convince me?" you arched a brow, an amused smile pulling at your lips

"What, you think I can't make you come quickly?" he purred, his hand going to your ass in a swift move to grab at it.

You bit down a whine "Well I don't know"

"tell me you don't want it" he teased, the fingers on your core starting a torturous path up and down your still-clothed, but unbelievably drenched, slit "That you don't want this"

His fingers had trespassed your panties and had now found your raw skin, making you gasp

"anyone could come in us, including Messina" you added breathlessly

"I locked the door" he promised, his forehead on yours as his ring and middle finger gently found their way inside of you.

"a-and what if someone needs to get in?" you tried your best not to moan, but the way he curled his fingers made it so very fucking difficult

"then we'll tell them to fuck off" he murmured, his mouth now touching yours, but still not kissing you.

"If we get caught I'm gonna kill you, we clear?"

"yes ma'am" he smirked, his breath mixing with yours

"now- may I kiss you, baby?"

You rolled your eyes before answering "Yes, you may"

And just like that, he was devouring you, his lips crashing with yours and his tongue sliding into your mouth to explore every inch of it, gaining dominance on your own in a matter of seconds.

"fuck I missed this" he groaned, his fingers suddenly speeding up and robbing you of all ability to tease him about his words "these fucking lips are gonna be the death of me"

Your mouth was open as you desperately tried to get oxygen to your lungs, but he didn't care, he took your bottom lip into his mouth and started sucking, his fingers fastening their pace as the filthy sound of your wetness bounced off the walls of the room.

"tell me you thought about it too" he growled, his palm making contact with your clit and forcing you to gasp as your hips started grinding onto it, onto his hand, sparks of pleasure staining your vision. "tell me I'm not the only crazy one baby"

You bit your lip to stifle a moan as you felt yourself grow closer to a release.

"shit- you look so fucking hot when you're about to come"

"I-" your eyes were squeezed shut, but you could feel the heat of his stare on you, the way his eyes never left you, not even as he kissed your neck, the soft stubble of his mustache tickling your skin "I've thought about it too javi"

The satisfied groan he let out told you just about everything you needed to know.

"When?" he asked, his voice hoarse, his fingers relentless

"A-always" you whimpered, "e-everytime I look at you"

shit- maybe you shouldn't have said that

"yeah?" a wolfish grin tugged at his lips "You think about me? about my cock? my fingers? my tongue?"

You mewled at his words, at the memory they brought with them, at how fucking good he was making you feel-

"J-Javi please"

"what?" he breathed, his mouth on yours again, your hips grinding shamelessly onto his hand "You're gonna come baby, 's that it?"

"y-yeah- fuck- I-"

he knew the signs by now, he knew those desperate breathless sounds you made just as you reached your peak- and god did he fucking love them

"come for me- come baby" he murmured, his lips crushing with yours to stifle your moans just as your walls spasmed around his digits- wave after wave of pleasure coursing through your body.

Oh how he loved seeing the strong fiery woman he saw every day come apart beneath him, all your walls crumbling down 'till there was just pure lust and pleasure beneath your eyes, 'till your body went limp and clung to him for support.

"fuck" you breathed your eyes finally opening again, only to find that his had never left yours. "I-" you gulped, but his lips were on yours again, his hands holding your face on each side, his fingers now out of you.

"w-we should get back," you said, mostly trying to remind yourself, of where you really were, of what you were really doing... but it was all so difficult when he was looking at you like that- when you could feel his hard cock straining against his jeans- the same one that had felt so fucking good inside of you.

"we should" he agreed, although a twisted grin played on his lips.

he was already kissing you again, exploring you again, and in no time you found yourself caged between him and a shelf filled with boxes of evidence, your legs wrapped around his waist and your arms around his neck.

Damn him

"People are gonna start wondering where we are"

"we're here... looking at evidence," he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, his hips grinding onto you, his mouth on the corner of your lips.

"fuck- fine," you murmured, the need for him stronger than anything at this point, even than the fear of getting fired.

He didn't waste a second- his dick was out in a heartbeat, and your panties were pulled to the side before you had even time to breathe.

His tip, his red, glistening tip found your entrance, making you gasp.

"c-condom" you suddenly remembered, your voice so feeble it was almost inaudible "Please tell me you've got a condom"

"fuck- you're right" he muttered, frustration tracing his tone "I should have one in my wallet"

Of course he had one in his wallet

His left hand reached into his back pocket, finding his wallet and taking the condom out of it as quickly as he could, throwing the wallet somewhere to the side.

You were supporting yourself all on your own as he rolled the condom onto his dick, which might sound easy... but seeing the state of your leg it really was a miracle.

It was all so fast, he seemed desperate as he guided his tip to your entrance, as he gripped your waist and kissed your lips while entering you.

He was so fucking big, definitely the biggest one you'd ever encountered, and not only that... but he fucking knew how to use it too.

It was impossible not to moan, and for him, it was impossible not to groan- let's just say the possibility of getting caught wasn't first on the list of things in your mind at the moment.

"fuckfuckfuck" you whimpered, letting out a soft cry when he finally bottomed out

"Jesus Christ you feel fucking perfect" he growled, his eyes on yours, his hands gripping your waist as he tried his best to give you a moment to adjust and not start to fuck you like an animal right away.

"J-Javi"

And that, that little plead in your voice was all he needed to hear.

There was no way the sound of your skin slapping with his couldn't be heard from outside.

He felt so fucking good- criminally so.

"oh my g-" you had to bite down on something, and the little sliver of skin his shirt didn't cover right where his shoulder met his neck seemed much too perfect for your need.

He groaned, the bastard fucking groaned in pleasure as your teeth sank down into his skin, and you swore to god you could have come from that sound alone.

Your hands were laced between his neck, fingers taking hold of whatever hair you could grab, as he thrust up into you like a man starved, and you did all you could to meet his movements with the same urgency.

It had only been a week, and yet it felt like it'd been an eternity- a torturous, awful eternity of daying yourself of this.

"been thinking about this every fucking minute this week" his voice was breathy, hoarse, as he whispered to your ear "about this perfect fucking pussy of yours- about your mouth, about how- Fuck me-" his own growl interrupted him, your walls were squeezing him much too fucking tight "how good you taste, how hot you look when I'm eating you out- about this fucking perfect body of yours" he purred "Jesus christ you make me lose my mind"

You couldn't help but moan, moan at his words, at his pace, at the way his touch sent sparks flying in your belly- it was all too much.

"You've gotta be quiet baby" he murmured as you raised your head to look at him, to beg him for something- anything.

"I know sweetheart, I know" he breathed, his lips skimming yours "I know issa lot"

And to think you couldn't even stand him seven days ago... look at you now- looking into his eyes pleadingly as he fucked you in the evidence room.

"Javi" you could only breathe as his mouth crashed with yours once again, "I'm gonna-"

"I know"

Of course he knew

And just like that, you were over the edge, his tongue in your mouth muffling your cries as his thrust got more erratic, and somehow even more powerful.

Once again, he'd given you the best orgasm of your life.

He tried to hold off to let you ride it out, but fuck him it was proving to be real fucking difficult.

And then you opened your eyes- your beautiful, dreamy, eyes that he'd been dreaming of for days and there was no point in fighting it anymore-

"F-fuck y/n- fuck-"

There was a loud thud somewhere behind you, but neither of you cared enough to look, or god forbid stop- there was only you, you, and the spectacular groan Javier fed you into a kiss as he finally reached his climax.

There was only the sound of your breathing, both your heavy breathings as you looked at each other- and then you smiled, and he couldn't help but do the same.

And then all of the sudden the sounds from the office started flowing into the room again.

Oh right

"we really have to get back"

"yeah" he halfheartedly agreed, slowly setting you back on your feet, only in doing so, something caught your eye.

"fuck"

There were files on the floor- there were files on the floor because you'd knocked down some of the boxes of evidence- and you hadn't even noticed.

Javier followed your line of sight, but while panic was setting in your heart, he began to smile

"don't laugh!" you hissed, "what the fuck do we do? How do we explain this?"

"we don't" he simply shrugged, closing his zipper back up as you quickly tried to make yourself presentable.

"What?"

"we were never here- now, get back out there"

"I-"

"trust me" he said, retrieving his wallet from the floor.

And for some fucking reason, you did- you trusted him.

"I hate you so much" you muttered, finally exiting the room.

Tg:@fallout-girl219

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scientia-rex · 1 year ago

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Sometimes people tell me I'm a good person. I'm not a good person by nature, or by default. I'm a good person because I've decided that it's important to me to act like one, on a daily basis, forever.

My actual nature is that I want power. I want power and I want my life to be easy and I want other people to be forced to be nice to me even if they hate me. I want other people to have to suck up to me, I want to watch people who I know hate me suffer through the indignity of having to suck up to me. I want to hurt people who hurt me. I want all of these things in the same exact deeply recognizable way that a gorilla or a chimpanzee does. I watch those documentaries and I recognize myself, intimately. The fact that I can behave like a good person in spite of that has taken me a long time and a lot of effort to achieve.

What you feel isn't as important for your "goodness" as what you do. And you get good at what you practice. So practice your skills at being polite, pleasant, kind. Practice gently interrupting negative behaviors--whether that's someone's negative behaviors directed towards themselves, or directed towards someone else. The idea that we have to be inherently without sin is such Christian garbage. It's psychological gibberish. We want things! We want everything! That is normal and human and the key is not acting on every bad feeling you have.

I have taken my insatiable desire for power and to manipulate people and I have used it for good. I have learned how to manipulate people into coming to the doctor and taking their blood pressure medication and being honest about their recreational substance use. I have taken my psychology education and I have used it to craft a persona that makes people feel at ease. I go home at the end of the day exhausted, because maintaining a persona for ten hours straight is exhausting, but I do it happy, because I manipulated the people I work with into feeling better and having brighter days. I manipulated my patients into feeling good about their achievements and recognizing where we need to do things differently.

The hard part is that when the mask slips, people find it not just off-putting but deeply upsetting. When I explain things like "I have thought very carefully about how I would conduct a career in domestic terrorism because I would genuinely like to bomb the headquarters of most American insurance companies, but I don't see a way to do it without getting caught and either killed or spending the rest of my life in prison, and at the moment I consider that an unacceptable outcome," people go from "ha ha! my wacky colleague" to "Jesus Christ, I didn't realize there was something actually wrong with you."

Anyway, don't make your kids read the extended works on Machiavelli at twelve, my dad thought he was helping me but all he accomplished was making me sad I'll never be a king.

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callmearcturus · 7 months ago

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The majority of RT will be saved by community archive efforts.

The only reason you can read all of Homestuck is because two(?) people built a program to allow you to experience it, all online versions are broken or compromised and will only become more so with time.

Spec Ops: The Line, one of the most important games (even if nowadays it seems trite), is no longer legally available to purchase and can only be pirated.

The Nintendo 3DS shop was taken down, making multiple GENERATIONS of games extremely difficult to access.

My honest suggestion to everyone is to pick something. Just one or two things that you care about preserving, buy some hard drives when they go one sale and just save copies of things you like. For me, I have a huge selection of video game ROMs and ISOs, games I don't even plan to play, but I want to have record of them. I also have backups of a few podcasts that are over but I want to ensure never get lost.

(specifically bc there WAS a hilarious movie recap podcast I enjoyed.... That without warning was deleted and is now gone. I'll never listen to it again.)

Pick the thing you want to archive, and do it. You don't need to save everything but we all should save something.

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soaps-mohawk · 4 months ago

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I'm going to be honest

I'm having a genuinely hard time making this post. I've been fighting with it for a couple weeks now, but I think it's time I finally make it.

I'm not having fun on this blog anymore.

It sounds bad, but honestly, it kind of is.

I think a lot of it started from the very beginning with the precedence and expectations I put on myself. I've always tried to respond to every comment I get. Even from the beginning. It's just a polite thing to do since those who leave comments took the time to write out what they think of my fic, even if it's just a keysmash. I've always felt the need to thank those who leave comments or reblog my writing or (now that tumblr has it) replied to my fics. It worked fine before because none of my fics were particularly popular. Even my most popular fic (at that time) didn't get as much attention as CRCB has. I've never had a "big blog" before, nor a fic as popular as CRCB has gotten.

It was fine at first, responding to everyone, engaging with everyone. I was riding that high of omg so many people are reading and enjoying my fic! I've never had anything quite like this before.

Now...it just feels more like a chore. I set this precedence on this blog that I respond to everyone and I know a lot of people have said that they're surprised I responded to them and to everyone, and now I'm getting why a lot of writers don't. I'm exhausted. I feel like I've just been robotically saying the same thing over and over trying to respond to people now. I used to love seeing asks in my inbox and reblogs and replies but now? All I feel is dread because I have to respond to all of those.

Turning anon off was a big help. It lessened the sheer volume of asks I was getting a day. And while I do feel bad for all of my anons who prefer to stay anons, with everything that happened (the multiple incidents) with anon that kind of started to suck the joy out of everything. That paired with the obsessive need to constantly have my inbox cleared and make sure everyone gets a response...I can understand now too why big blogs will have 200+ asks in their inbox. It's hard and it's exhausting and I'm burning out.

First it was the fic that was burning me out. Things have gone on far longer than I planned and I just wasn't prepared for this fic to go on and for a while there it was dragging. I'll admit that. If I could go back, I'd speed up a few things, but it's done, it's posted there's no going back. I kind of hoped I would have the mental capacity to upload more than once a week too, but I just couldn't. I still can't.

I've come to dread posting chapters because I know I'm going to have to reply and respond to everyone. The only thing keeping me posting is the fact that we're in the part of the story I've been excited about since the beginning and also because I keep leaving everyone on cliffhangers and I love torturing y'all with all of them.

So that being said, this is in no way to shame anyone for interacting with me, anyone leaving comments or replies or sending asks. Don't feel bad about doing it please. I appreciate all of you that have engaged with me and it really means so much to me. Honestly, earlier this year, if I didn't have this fic and everyone on this blog, I might not have made it to now. It's been a really rough year and it's still going to be into next year. It's just getting to the point where I need a break.

I've needed a break for a long time. I thought taking days off the blog would help, and it did for a couple of weeks, but now even on the days I'm supposed to be on the blog and engaging, I just find myself queueing stuff up and just being offline most of the day still.

I'm tired. That's the best reason I can give. I'm tired and burned out on life and I'm tired and burned out on this blog.

So...I think I need a break. I need to not keep responding to every single reply and reblog every chapter. I need to not force myself to answer every ask right away, no matter how much I want to. I feel bad, but I know everyone would rather have me here and enjoying the blog than forcing myself to interact to the point where I'm dreading it and just robotically repeating myself over and over with every reply and answer and comment.

I won't be pausing the fic, I won't be not uploading. I'll still be posting chapters, I just might not be interacting as much as I have been. It's just putting such a mental strain on me still, even with anon off, even with days off. And with things getting busier for me, it's going to be too much to try and deal with irl stuff and write and try to be super active on the blog. There's going to come a point where I have to sacrifice the writing or the blog and I'd rather sacrifice the blog to keep myself sane, and also to keep trying to finally get this fic done. I love this fic, don't get me wrong, but I'm just burning out.

I'm already burned out in a lot of ways.

I was planning kinktober this year but honestly I'm considering not doing it because I know interaction is going to be insane and it's going to be a lot to keep up on. Plus trying to write that many fics is hard and I'm not sure I have the ability to do it. I have a few done but now I'm just like...is that something I want to do on top of irl stuff and CRCB.

There's just no joy in it anymore. It's not anyone's fault but mine. I put the pressure on myself, I held myself to that standard for this long despite the fact I knew it was draining me. I've tried to push through when I should have prioritized myself. I feel so guilty not responding to everyone. I feel so guilty being a day or two late responding to everyone.

I want to be here and interacting and responding to things but I just can't bring myself to anymore. It's no one's fault, and this is not a drag on anyone, or an attempt to make anyone feel bad or guilty for interacting or sending asks or anything. I'm just airing out the truth and saying what I need to say because I feel like I've been so robotic and lifeless with my responses these last couple weeks and I feel like I need to explain why. It's nothing anyone has done. It's my fault. It's 100% my fault.

Things have just gotten to be too much and it's my fault for forcing myself to be so active. The social battery has dropped into the negatives. I'm not a social person. I can only handle so much interaction and I've pushed so far beyond that, that things have gotten to this point. I want to be here and I want to have fun and I want to use this as an escape but I just don't feel that way about it anymore. It's a chore for me, a job, something I feel like I have to do and it's my fault that I feel that way. It's my own standards and expectations I set on myself, and my expectations on what I think my followers want and deserve and now I feel like I've gone on too long like this that I can't change things without hurting anyone's feelings. I don't want people to think I'm ignoring them in favor of others because I know there's writers out there that do that. They only respond to a certain group and ignore others that comment and reblog. I don't want to make anyone feel like I'm doing that to them and that's now led me to here.

I'm forcing it and I'm tired.

It's been hard these last few weeks. The life has just been draining and draining continuously. The joy and the love I have for this blog and my followers and the interactions and the fic. The last anon bullshit that happened was just kind of the last nail in the coffin so to speak. The straw that broke the camel's back. Things stopped being fun. It made me feel bad (and not in the guilty way, though that was a part of it) and I'm honestly just over it. I'm over the blog, I'm over interacting, I'm over life at this point. August is a hard month for me and every year it seems to get worse and worse. A lot of it is unrelated to anything online and I was going to make a post about it but honestly I just don't want to. Those that know, know. Those that don't...it doesn't matter.

I'm getting annoyed by the blog, I'm getting annoyed every time I look in my notifications and see an ask or a reply or a comment. I'm getting annoyed by some of my followers and that's not fair to you. Everyone always talks about how nice and kind and patient I am when I'm really not. I'm not the person I present myself to be on this blog, the way I mask myself so I can present myself as being a normal, kind human being. The mask is coming off because I'm so tired I can't keep it up anymore. It's happening here and it's happening in real life. I'm tired and I'm frustrated and I'm angry at a lot of things and the last thing I want is to start taking it out on my followers. You don't deserve that, especially when it's not your fault, it's nothing any of you have done. It's all me.

It's not you, it's me.

So for the sake of not burning this whole thing to the ground, I'm going to take a break. I'm not replying to everyone, I'm not responding to every reblog, I won't reply to every ask I get right away, if at all because sometimes I just don't have anything to say in response and I need to learn that's okay. It's nothing against you. It's not aimed at anyone specifically, I'm just trying to put myself first and stop things from escalating. I need a break and I'm going to do something selfish and I'm going to take it.

Don't apologize because it's not your fault. Don't apologize because you think you might have contributed to this because you didn't. It is no one's fault but my own.

I'm the one that needs to apologize to all of you because I've just not been myself because I've been forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I've been very unfair to a lot of people over the last seven months that this blog has been active and I've held a precedent that is not sustainable in the long run and made everyone believe that I was capable of maintaining that kind of interaction when I'm not.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been putting everyone through this. I'm sorry I've been so detached and robotic and ingenuine. I'm sorry I led everyone to believe I'm someone I'm not. I'm sorry I've dragged this on this long that it's gotten to the point that I have to make this post.

I considered just disappearing but that wouldn't be fair to you either. I don't want to put you through that, so I'm pouring all of my thoughts out and making you read through this fucking novel of a post. If you've made it this far, then congrats I guess. Gold metals to you who bothered reading this far.

Anyway, all of that aside, I'll still be posting chapters. I'll have them scheduled and I'll probably come on and add links places to keep things current. I'll respond and reply and answer asks when I feel like it. You don't have to stop sending them, but just don't expect them to be responded to right away anymore. I'll probably still be here reblogging things I want and doing things when I feel like it.

I just need a few weeks to myself. Time I don't have to care about the blog at all and keeping up with it. Anon will remain off for the sake of keeping asshole trolls away, and also so I don't open tumblr and have 200 asks in my inbox after a week. Sorry to my anons but it's just the way it needs to be right now. Maybe once this break is over and I've dealt with irl stuff, I'll consider putting it back on. I just can't after everything I dealt with recently on anon.

It'll be the same on Ao3, for those that follow here and read there. Comments will probably sit for a while. They won't be answered right away anymore unless I get the energy to burn through them. Even then I won't try to answer them all at once like I did this last weekend.

I'll try to reblog something every day so y'all know I'm alright. I don't want y'all to panic and it's not fair to put you through that, especially those that might not see this or bother reading it. Those that follow simply for the fic and nothing else. I'm here, I'm just not...here.

This week's chapter is in the queue to be posted tomorrow as usual. Chapters will still come out as planned since I'm not stopping writing, just taking a break from the blog itself.

Thank you those of you who stuck through to the end here. I appreciate all of you so much. You have no idea. I'm sorry I let things get to this point and I'm sorry to anyone that I've gotten rude or snappy with because I couldn't be selfish and put myself first. I'm sorry to anyone that got a robotic, repeated response to something they were probably excited to share. I'm sorry I've been so unfair to everyone and I hope you can forgive me.

Take care and I'll talk to everyone when I have the energy to.

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bouquetface · 6 months ago

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PAC: Next Serious Relationship

I will be detailed asf. This reading won’t be for everyone. Only take as entertainment.

One.

Your next partner:

Curly dark hair, tanned skinned (this person could be mixed or appear racially ambiguous). Age 28-30. Either from somewhere sunny or currently resides somewhere sunny. Nonchalant. Aqua & Scorpio placements.

General reading. Not every reading you come across will resonate. I will not try to appeal to everyone. Just giving honest reads.

Your relationship story:

This won't be love at first sight. This person has a bad reputation. They aren't a cheater but they have spent their twenties messing around. Before you meet, they'll be sick of this bachelor lifestyle. They have many options but they don't trust any of them. They can't imagine a future with them. They fantasize about you a lot before meeting. Their ideal partner, the future you'll have together. They would never admit this to anyone around them but they feel lonely. They miss you before having met you. All this yearning makes me think you have past lives together.

When you meet, it'll likely be through mutual friends. You could be invited to some kind of networking event. Or possibly it's just a party. Very busy place. So many talking you almost can’t hear the people you're talking with. The group you come with will get along with their group. You’ll see each other and their friend group again at future events.

I'll be honest their intentions at the start aren't the best. They'll be the one to add you on social media. They think you're hot and want to add you to their roster. You'll find them attractive but only want to keep them as friend due to their reputation. You could intuitively know or be warned by a friend. You likely will only hang out in a group the first few times. They'll be bummed out, they haven't been friendzoned ever. It'll actually make them suspicious that you like someone else in your mutual social circle.

This is a slow burn relationship. Trust has to be built before you even seriously consider them as a partner. You don't take any shit. You want to be the one, not an option. They are really forced to work for your time. Like when they ask to hang, you aren’t responding yes immediately. If it’s late at night, you’ll say no, I have work in the morning. Or simply no, it’s late. You aren’t stupid, you know there’s no pure reason for someone to be hitting you up at night like this. Slowly but surely, they’ll realize you are the one they’ve been daydreaming about. This will make them get their act together. They will be proving themselves to you. They see you’re an honest, hardworking person. You could be very busy with college or work. They’ll have a lot of respect for this. Accommodating for your schedule, remembering little things you say about coworkers or professors. You’ll have a lot of inside jokes.

There is an element of surprise here. It’s hard to say what it is when it’s a surprise. They may surprise you by bringing you your favorite drink a few times. They may go research something you’re interested in which could surprise you. This surprise might be what makes you think they’re the one. They may hate that you made them wait so long, but trust me, this person needed that humbling. And it’ll be so worth it. Once they get you, all they’re focused on is keeping you.

⚠️ Warning though!! ⚠️

When you two go official, it's going to upset someone. This is where this pile is divided into two groups. For some, it could be a guy friend you have - he thought he had a chance. His attitude will change towards you when you enter this relationship. You'll tell your person but they won't give a fuck. They’re a confident & secure person. They may even laugh at the idea of this guy thinking he had a chance with you. Your friend will be hurt but move on. I don’t even see the friendship ending in this scenario. Once they meet their own person, all past crushes are forgotten.

Now for the other half of you. It’s not as simple of a situation. For some of you, it is a woman. She's been lurking in your person's past. She isn't an ex. But she is someone who was talking to your person. I did warn you that your person had a past. She thought when he was ready to settle down, he'd choose her. She's likely been hanging around for a year, if not YEARS. Oh, this is a bit sad. I'm hearing Jack Harlow's Lil Secret lmao. "'you confident that we soulmates". She really thought she was the one.

Your person is going to cut off everyone he was talking to when you two get serious. She'll be furious. Then, she’ll be in denial. Likely stalking both your socials for months. She thinks you two won’t last. She is convinced that your person is going to come back for her. Embarrassing.

This won't affect the relationship at all though. You two are destined, you'll be protected from this woman. She’ll disappear after a few months. She is bitter. ngl it’s her fault for building up this idea in her head.

I asked for clarification on this woman. Your person did not promise this woman a relationship. They were honest to all their past hookups that they do NOT want a relationship. This woman is just delusional. But I don’t want to hate too much, a lot of people probably been in her situation before. And for most, she’s not batshit and will move on after a few weeks/months. However, some of you do need to be warned, this woman is a total bitch. Will start rumours/talk shit about you with her friends. She’ll get over it eventually. She has no choice lmao you and your person are a forever couple.

It’s honestly giving rockstar boyfriend. Not to imply that he is going to be a musician. This isn’t likely for most. But the fact he is desired by many and well connected in his city. Very passionate relationship. Major Scorpio vibes. ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Two.

Your Next Partner:

Sag & Cap placements. Religious. Clean & polished style. Tall, Nice smile, blue eyes. Funny, polite & charming. May wear or like watches. Smells nice.

General reading. Not every reading you come across will resonate. I will not try to appeal to everyone. Just giving honest reads.

Your relationship story:

The feminine will be approached in public. This person is polite and straight forward. They may compliment you and ask for your number. Some of you could meet in an academic environment. After the lecture, they could approach you. For other’s, it could be while you run your usual errands.

Although, they’re very charming and respectful, you could be a bit suspicious. Maybe it is because you tell your friends or family, and they warn you. They’ll think or say it’s not normal for a complete stranger to ask someone out anymore. They are coming from a place of concern. They’ll encourage you to set the date somewhere in a public setting and get their socials. This could stress you out a bit. It could feel too soon to put pressure on them by asking/requesting these things. However, they’ll handle it very well. Very understanding & mature. And once you get to know each other and meet each other’s friend groups & families, everyone is super supportive.

They are serious about you from the start. In a non-creep way, they may have been watching you for a while. They see you as a sweet and kind person. You could be very sensitive. They are a bit opposite. They do well under pressure. Their job could be one that requires them to do well under stress. Maybe law enforcement.

You could have something they believe you need protecting from. This could be a sour relationship you have or had. After a few weeks or months of dating, you may open about your past or family. Some of you had a bad relationship with your ex. It left you with low self esteem. For others, you have a family member that puts too much pressure on you. This could be a very controlling parent. This person will be very understanding, they may actually relate to having a tough parent. It’s not that they don’t love their parent though. This parent likely the father may be very tough on them. Your person could be the eldest. They likely grew up feeling responsible for a lot. Feeling like they need to be the perfect example for their younger siblings. & Feeling like they NEED to make their parent’s proud. This conversation will bring you two closer.

This relationship will feel like a blessing from God. If you aren’t religious, you may become open to the idea. Your person isn’t religious in an extreme orthodox way but faith is important to them. They may casually attend a church or temple. They definitely celebrate religious holidays. They will introduce you to their family very quickly. Maybe an event is coming up and they feel it’s the best opportunity to meet everyone. They don’t have a single doubt about you. To them you are their future spouse. They’re very confident about it. Their family will be very kind to you. They will feel you are a bit out of their league. You may be invited to an activity without your spouse. For example, if they have sisters, you could be to invited to a mother-daughter day out. Do your nails, go out for brunch, etc.

No relationship is perfect. But this is relationship is very close to perfect. You guys will likely do a lot of outdoor activities. Camping, beach day, road trip, etc. You create a lot of beautiful memories together. A lot of photos to show your kids.

Everyone will know you as the IT/Power couple. No one has any doubts that you’ll last forever. Friends of yours and theirs may come to you guys for relationship advice. They may tell you guys they wish they could have a relationship like yours. They aren’t jealous in an evil eye way though. They are truly supportive. Your friend’s are fed up with trying to find someone loyal and trustworthy. They’ll tell you dating is so difficult in this day and age. And these conversations will make you so grateful for having found your person. You guys will likely be the oldest relationship in your social circles. Not in age but as in you’ve been together the longest. So you may meet early on in your 20s. Soon, no one will be able to remember a time before you guys were together.

It’s giving Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds vibes. 💗💗

#tarot pac #pick a card #pick a pile #tarot reading #tarotcommunity #tarotblr #sagittarius rising #capricorn rising #capricorn venus #aquarius venus #sagittarius venus #scorpio venus #scorpio moon #aquarius sun #capricorn sun #pisces venus #capricorn moon #gemini moon

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umnitsa · 6 months ago

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Dirty old man

Summary: Joel is on his seventies, but he still has needs.

A/N: Ok, so. One pic made the rounds in one of the discord servers I frequent and it made me wild, I won't lie (it was a pic/meme with aged Pedro Pascal). Highly inspired by @toxicanonymity's GILF!Joel (mine is a bit of a perv, but this isn't really a dark fic). It was also inspired by @atticrissfinch's MMITB (I wish I had a fraction of her talent for dirty talk, but I'm not even a native speaker of English, so I do what I can). Now you go read them both, I ASSURE YOU it'll be a good time. Huge thanks for all the people that cheered me on with this: Toxi, @romanarose, @beefrobeefcal, @gwendibleywrites, I love you all. (I must admit that I don't know if I'll ever continue this, honestly, although part of me wants to get to the sex scene. xD)

Pairing: No outbreak old man!Joel x Reader

CW: Joel being bold, dirty talk. That's it <3

No beta, we die like lonely writers xD

It wasn’t a bad job.

Sarah wanted to hire you to take care of her father, Joel. He wasn’t that old, but years of hard work in construction gave him some mobility issues. Sarah worried he spent too time alone, and that he could fall, get hurt and trapped without help because of his pride (which seemed to be a real possibility, considering Joel didn’t want to lose his independence in any way).

You were supposed to get the night shift, which was nice. The night shift was calm, except when it wasn’t. Sarah assured you she talked to her father, she wanted to introduce you to him, before you started working.

You prepared for war, if the man was as stubborn and grumpy as his daughter described.

Sarah introduced you and the old man looked at you over his glasses.

“You sure this pretty thing can lift me off the floor?” He asked, a crooked smirk stretching his lips. You considered answering him, but he raised his face defiantly and winked.

He was teasing his daughter.

You chuckled, to Joel’s delight. Sarah hired you on the spot.

***

Joel was grumpy most of the time. You could understand. Getting older was specially hard on some people. Losing their independence seemed to be a horrifying blow.

You admired the family pictures displayed on the walls and the bookshelves. They showed a younger Joel, large and proud, wearing tight tshirts that showed his big arms.

He didn’t change much, to be honest. His hair now was completely silver, as his beard. The wrinkles didn’t spoil his roguish smile. He was on his seventies, but looked younger, somehow. You blamed his brown eyes.

***

“You know what I miss most about my youth?” He said softly one day, entering the living room. You were looking at his pictures. He slowly moved by your side and placed a hand over your back, rubbing gentle circles. “All the pussy.”

You turned to him, astonished at his boldness. He smirked, then shrugged. You felt your face getting warm and a different, slick, syrupy warmth pooling on your lower belly. He licked his lips and sighed.

“It was easy to get pussy with those looks.” He pointed at one picture of himself and smiled proudly. “Didn’t fuck as much as I wanted, or as much as I could. Tried to be a good dad. Don’t regret anything, but... Oh boy, I miss it.” He looked you up and down, his smile turning appreciative.

“Thought old pervs like you liked tiny thin teenagers.” You scoffed.

“Only dumbasses want those.” Joel chuckled, his hand sliding lower on your back. “I like them older. Like you. With those eyes, like you know and did everything under the sun.” Joel hums, closing his eyes. “Get them cockdumb and they cry so sweetly… Mmmm, the surprise in their wide eyes...” He licks his lips, watching your reaction. You laugh, trying to hide your own arousal.

“Well, Joel, I think the preference is because they are supposed to be tight.” You said firmly, standing your ground. You refused to look shocked, and you saw no reason to scold him, at least not yet. Maybe it was your pussy talking.

Joel leaned over you slowly; you stayed very still. His warm breath tickled your ear.

“After a certain size, honey, everything feels tight.” He said softly, grabbing his half hard cock through his pants. You looked down and gasped, noticing the girth of his bulge inside his huge hand. Joel stepped back, smiling proudly, and moved into the house, dragging his feet. “Lemme know if you want a ride, sweetheart. Them blue pills are easy to get.” He turned and winked at you.

#maycore #mayb writes #joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller smut #peepaw can fuck #with some help #but he really can #dirty old man joel

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xinganhao · 6 days ago

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🩵 dead poets society member!vernon x reader.

offshoot from the dead poets society!hhu x reader verse. (highly advise to read that first before delving into this!) part of my svt university milestone event.

I said / "I am afraid I will spend entire years / trying not to need you." / As if I wasn't certain. As if this wasn't my confession. — I swear, next time I see you I'll be funny by Clementine Von Radics

PREVIOUSLY ›

↻ ◁ || ▷ ↺ cool about it by boygenius. sa ngalan ng pag-ibig by december avenue. everything by the black skirts. buyer's remorse by daniel caesar & omar apollo. godspeed by frank ocean. someday i'll get it by alek olsen. everyone adores you (at least i do) by matt maltese. tie my shoes by beabadooobee. nothing can by niki.

on his first year away, vernon focuses on physical distance. a foolish part of him thinks that the more miles he puts in between the two of you, the easier it will be for him to get over this stupid, hopeless crush that lasted throughout his uni years. and so vernon goes backpacking, goes solo traveling. he lets the wind take him wherever. if anything, he only realizes just how deeply ingrained you are in his subconscious. he thinks of you when he passes a secondhand bookstore. he itches to text when he has a particularly good coffee. and when the sky is clear, when it's just the perfect shade of blue? he swears he can hear you in the back of his head, quoting mary oliver. (or: this is the year vernon learns all the different ways you can miss a person.)

vernon spends his second year on dating apps. it makes him a bit sick to his stomach, really. he doesn't think he's doing it right. he matches with people, sure. even manages to bag a handful of dates. each one ends with him giving them some variation of 'i don't think this is going to work out', and when they inevitably ask why, he lies through his teeth. too busy to be in a serious relationship. too emotionally out of it to commit. anything but the truth. (or: this is the year vernon realizes that no one measures up to you.)

by the time his third year away rolls around, vernon is beginning to feel a bit pathetic. here he is, after all that time, and he's still haunted by the shadow of a relationship that didn't even come to the light. sometimes, that seems to be worse— saying goodbye and knowing the door is left open a crack. he distracts himself with literally everything else. he tries out improv. he finally opens up a letterboxd account. he signs up for marathons. (or: this is the year vernon runs, in more ways than one.)

there's less of an ache by the time that year four comes. vernon doesn't think of you as often as he used to. he's able to be with someone else without imagining you in their place. even as that relationship eventually ends, he's glad that it's because of reasons unrelated to you. he's finally gotten to a point where he can look at himself in the mirror and not think of all the ways he faltered or failed. despite everything, it's still him. (or: this is the year vernon accepts the version of himself in his reflection.)

five years. it takes five years before vernon can finally reach back out. not to everyone yet, no. he starts slow. mingyu gives him a whole load of shit for it. seungcheol asks a dozen questions. wonwoo understands. vernon is grateful for them, so much so that he finds himself watching the dead poets society on his plane ride home. it's all fun and games until the scene with robin williams, where the schoolboys are paying ode to him with cries of "o captain, my captain!" it's the very line that echoes in his head when he sees you some feet away from him during a chance encounter. suddenly, none of it matters. not the distance, not the blind dates, not the man that he's tried so hard to be. all he can think of— all he can see— is you. o captain, my captain. (or: this is the year vernon decides to be honest with himself.)

#vernon x reader #vernon smau #vernon imagines #hansol x reader #chwe vernon x reader #svt x reader #seventeen x reader #svt imagines #seventeen imagines #svt smau #seventeen smau #── ᵎᵎ ✦ mine #── ᵎᵎ ✦ milestone event: svt uni #[ thank you to everyone who voted! :) ]#[ i have a lot of feelings/thoughts about this. most of which are mixed. but i trust that it still suffices ]#[ lots of love <3 annotations on this will be warranted lmao ]

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piggycyberwarrior · 4 months ago

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Ekko SWF-Alphabet

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

!not proof read!

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Ekko is the type of boyfriend that would constantely pepper your face with kisses. He knows how easily people can die- can be killed- so he tries to shower you with affection.

He likes to show you how much he loves you, because he is kinda confused with words. He is a warrior- a leader, not a big talker? he tries tho.

I would say he is pretty affectionate but mostly behind closed doors. As i said- he's a leader, he shouldn't be smooching his girl next to the firelights... he thinks its inappropriate. But in a calmer, more softer setting- boii he's all over you!!

B = Bribe (Can you bribe him?)

Yes and No.

Ekko is loyal as fuck. He would never EVERR betray the ones dear to his heart. But small and unnecessary things like

"Okay.. would you come with me if i give you one- no TWO kisses?"

Yeah. nope he would immediately jump off the couch and sprint towards you. He doesn't play there..

He kinda sees it as a payment...

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

I PERSONALLY think that Ekko likes Hugs way more than cuddles. I'll explain:

You know that one hug that hits so good? Nose burried in their neck- inhaling their scent- arms tight around the person after you saw them finally- FINALLY again and all these emotions are put in that hug.

^ He loves that so much when he comes home, tired from a mission

That doesn't mean he does not like Cuddles. I think Ekko loves to lay his head onto your Chest/boobies all the time. crushing you under his weight and laughing when you grumble because of his stupid antics

or being the big spoon (like almost never the little spoon- only when he needs comfort). he loves it that he can make you feel safe in his arms

He likes to nap while cuddling but i think he doesn't really like to sleep at NIGHT when cuddling. That! man! needs! his! space!! (Napping while cuddling is okay idk why??)

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Yes he really wants to settle down with you somewhere safe and sound- a place that doesn't exist now, unfortunately. Thats why he works so hard. maybe he can give you that home you deserve someday.

That man is a COOK. Full ass GORDON RAMSAY like its not even normal??? He even enjoys it- apron on, humming a little melody while making breakfast for the two of you.

he loves to help you at home even tho he barely has time between eating , sleeping and his duties. But you don't mind. he asks some of his people to help you out if you really need help with the chores.

is kinda shitty at cleaning- kinda never learned to do it... i mean he grew up in Zaun.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

I'm sorry but like i said he is kinda shitty with words so he tries to rip the bandaid off real quick by breaking up through text/letters...

He doesn't really feel good about it too- feels like an asshole to be honest but he can't help it :(

if they wanted to talk about it though- he tries

he is okay with the fact that you hate him because of his break-up-style

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Ekko is a little bit scared? of commitment. He kinda doesn't wanna be "caged"- he feels as if his freedom has been pushed into a box, but in reality he just needed to find the right person.

I think Ekko needs some time to really REALLY settle with the fact that he loves his s/o and that can take some time.

But oh boi when it happens- he wants to marry you immediately!! Like mentioned he knows that life is short- so he tries to marry you as quick as possible.

But he understands it if you need time to think about it or aren't ready yet.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Ekko's kinda rough around the edges as he grew up in a rough atmosphere. Sometimes his grip is too strong- his attempts to tickle you can hurt a bit and his hands are calloused as well.

But in the end he never wants to hurt you and is extremely gentle towards you as much as he can

he is so much gentler to you than to anyone else. always makes sure you aren't stressed or anything like that.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Yes.Yes.Yes!! he loves hugs like mentioned earlier. It just fits better into his lifestyle as he can quickly but passionately hug you before or after a mission and can also do that in public. he cannot cuddle you outside on the street :/

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Not that fast. Boi has some serious trust issues and you probably have to initiate the big ol' L-Word. When he finally says it- he will never stop saying it.

He willl always shower you with 'I love you's' and expects you to also say it back. he's just a sucker for that simple sentence even tho he was kinda wary of the concept of love

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Doesn't get jealous. Just doesn't, he trusts you completely. Period.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you?)

His kisses are like him. Sweet but passionate, as well as a sprrrinkle of roughness.

he loves the traditional way of kissing you. on the lips. he is addicted to the taste of them on his and can kiss you till dawn. (he doesn't mind that you call him a simp)

He also loves to give you small pecks on your face but mostly the side of your head when you did something cute or stupid.

Always has his hands on you when you kiss- either on your throat, back or waist.

Also grins into kisses like ahhhrgcvszdc PLEASE

L = Little ones (Would he like to have Children?)

Loves children- I mean he keeps them save in the HQ too like what did you expect...

Would also love to have children when he's older.. kinda a dream of his. Probably 3 kids. Is still okay with it if you don‘t like to have kids- respects it!

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

i kind of have the feeling that dis man is such a morning grouch :/ soooorry

like he always wants to sleep more (in other words- has a fucked up sleep schedule)

Still he loves it when you kiss him awake- and he would always and i mean ALWAYS!! roll on top of you and squish you under him with a laugh before pressing kisses on your face and getting up.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

OHH THAT BITCH IS A NIGHT OWL. He is always so much goofier at nighttime (you know that weird 3am energy?? Exactly)

He likes it when you are sitting on his lap at night though, while he is fiddling at some prototype. Your fingers lazily playing with his dreads while he nuzzled himself onto your shoulder while working

Its a mix of both energy’s- late snack runs or slow evenings.

ALSO LOVES TO SLOW DANCE WITH YOU IN THE KITCHEN AT NIGHT!!!!

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

As i said, he takes his time to fully trust you. If you grew up together- he would‘ve probably told you a lot of things already. If you didn‘t- he is kinda hesitant to tell you at first. I think he would start revealing things about himself after a good few months of dating. He takes his time with those things

still he will always listen when you have something to tell him.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

It depends. When he is frustrated- his patience is very thin- but when he is in his normal mood- it’s out of gold

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

REMEMBERS EVERYTHING. It is truly getting creepy. He knows everything???

birthday, likes, dislikes, all the family gossip you told him one day- even remembering all of your family member’s names, favorite book, favorite hyperfixation at the moment, favorite place- everything you mentioned to him once.

lol he laughs everytime you think he forgot something and he proves you wrong- you‘re just like:🧍‍♀️

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

that one hot ass summer night were you were both almost naked (nothing seggsual) - sweating like a pig- window wide open- not able to sleep and just talking bout shit. -> leading to you telling him you love him.

He didn‘t mind the humid heat in the end. Just feeling so happy.

always remembers that moment and feels giddy when there is a hot summer night…

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they like to be protected?)

He loves it when you defend him verbally. He can fight- and doesn‘t want you to hurt yourself in the process- but seeing you argue with someone for him is making his heart race.. <3

like i said he doesn‘t get jealous but is neverthless protective. He knows that Zaun is fucking dangerous- also knows that you can protect yourself but he wants to keep any harm from you..

always being your guard dog and even fighting people that bitch at you.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts?)

I think he always gets you something when he‘s in Piltover- books or small things that you like..

He likes to have dates in the privacy of your home- nothing extraordinary…. I am SO SORRY BUT THIS MAN ISN‘T A FAN OF ANNIVERSARIES!! He just doesn‘t get the point?? For him everyday is an anniversary.

He still plans the home dates (puts a lot of effort in the planning part)- and everytime you do something new fun!!

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Nail Biting, Workaholic, Insomnia, such a gossip girl 😭 its funny tho.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

That Man is proud!!! He worked so much, trained so much did everything to become the person he is- loves his muscles and is kinda concerned how he looks

(Have you seen that man? Face paint on the spot- dreads styled like that and always revealing that yummy bicep..)

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

yes- next question

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

100% a cat person. He loves them but will never admit it. When he first saw one as a kid- he begged Benzo to let him adopt it. Still visits it‘s grave. Kinda has a fur allergy but he doesn‘t care 💀

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

hates hates HATES it when his partner is rude or disrespectful for no reason. (Sure, its a different story when you are getting shit on) but he just finds it so bad when you insult someone for no reason (and mean it)

has no problem when you playfully call someone (him) an idiot tho…

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

He is a kicker. Like bitch, stop kicking me in the ribs while sleeping 😭. Also wakes up with his head at your feet- turns around a lot. Just an active sleeper here…

you on the other hand get many bruises from his kicking…. I am so sorry

#fyp #arcane imagines #arcane imagine #arcane headcanons #arcane ekko #arcane writing #arcane ekko x reader fluff #ekko x reader fluff #arcane ekko x reader #swf alphabet #Arcane swf alphabet #Arcane fluff #arcane ekko fluff #Ekko fluff

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gemini-atz · 4 months ago

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San as your Boyfriend ❀*ੈ✩‧₊˚ ('Realistic Imagines' + Astrology Based)

Background/Disclaimer: !!This is all my own interpretation based on my personal astrology knowledge and research. I consider myself an amateur!!

Contains NSFW, minors please use caution I will put all the harder nsfw headcanons under a warning in the text if you're looking for more fluffy feelings in general and would like to avoid.

Genre /: Smut, Imagines

Rating: 18+

Warnings: very jealous San, mentions of biting, unprotected s3x, collaring

Read about other members (WIP)

CHOI SAN SUN Cancer MOON Gemini MERCURY Leo VENUS Leo MARS Scorpio

✩Gemini Notes✩San as a boyfriend is (how do I put this nicely)….a lot to handle! Maybe it's just my majority Gemini/Air chart talking but dating someone like San would probably be way too much for me. But if you're a water sign girly or love being obsessed over COME ON DOWN!!

**A reader let me know I had taken down San's Venus incorrectly, his Venus is in Leo! I reread all my notes/research and I do feel happy with most of my interpretation since I did lean heavily on his Sun/Moon/Mars overall. I'll be making minor edits in green bc there are a couuuple little things I would recontextualize;

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San as your boyfriend gives you a giddy feeling at least every other week like the one you got when you first started dating. Firstly, you probably have NEVER been pursued this hard by a man. San wears his heart on his sleeve and has a terrible poker face, and to be honest, he isn't really trying all that hard to hide his intentions. He really was shy on your first couple dates, after he awkwardly asked you out one day (and you're pretty sure you saw one of his friends in the distance barely hidden behind a tree, making cheerleading type gestures) his cheeks completely red, but eyes looking stoically to one side. He probably had no idea you'd been crushing on him for weeks, and needed plenty of convincing to go for it from his friends. Literally everyone in your office knew him as "the hot maintenance guy" who's ears got red whenever you said goodbye to him when he was passing the front desk. On your first two dinner dates after work, he was a complete gentleman, opening your car door and every door in your way for that matter. After a couple glasses of wine he was smiling his genuine sweet smile and that Leo Mercury came into full force, he was flirting with you in every sentence, making you feel like the most special person in the world. At the end of the night, nothing more than a kiss on the cheek.

By the third dinner date, you got impatient and leaned over to whisper something in his ear as you leave the restaurant that results in you being folded in half in the backseat of his car with his deep voice panting and moaning needily in your ear. From that point on, he feeds off any boldness you give him, the floodgates open and you feel like you're going to be eaten up by him. He has you calling into work just to spend more hours in bed together type honeymoon phase.

A Leo Venus and Scorpio Mars in tandem with his Cancer Sun make him deeply passionate and emotional and these placements often experience intense limerence and can end up accidentally love-bombing their target, and they can get a little crazy internally if they perceive rejection. He's just straight up jealous and moody and you'll need to be the type of girlfriend who doesn't always give in and give him what he wants. He needs a lot of attention and reassurance that he’s important to you, he adores you and wants to be adored back. He’s a guy that likes to look good and dresses nicely to go out with you, even if it’s a little coffee date. He is reassured and calmed by physical touch from you, and he probably wants to be the little spoon sometimes even though he’s shy asking about it at first. Genuinely one of the most caring people you've met and intensely loyal. When you facetime him after work he seems so happy to see you every time and you just can talk about nothing with him, even the most throwaway parts of your day he blinks and nods intently at. One of your favorite things about him is that you can still seem to fluster him by being the one to flirt boldly, complimenting his body after the gym would have him doing those shy little scoffs, trying to hide his pleased smile and all you can think is "The nerve of this man to act flustered after the things he did to me last night". Venus Leo’s areeee just a little bit vain, San knows he looks good but loves to hear it best from you. He likes to show you off, and he's always embarrassing you by wanting to take pictures of you if you're wearing a cute outfit. He'll get you to stand a few feet away and pose, while he says "My girlfriend is seriously too pretty." to anyone that passes by too close and watches the mini photoshoot.

These Leo Mercury men can LEAP to conclusions and in tandem with his other placements he can overthink your motives or actions to a detrimental degree, driving himself anxious. He needs to know what you're up to and will double and triple text if he doesn't hear back from you quickly enough. He’s literally the “you did that without me?” 🥺☹️ boyfriend about everyyyything.

If you comment while grocery shopping that another guy has a really cool tattoo, he might be uncommonly quiet for the rest of the day and then at bedtime turn to you with his face in the most over the top pout "Should I get a tattoo? It would look sexy right?” He might come off standoffish to your friends at first (mostly out of genuine shyness) and his severe looking expression could give them the wrong impression of him, meanwhile once you get back in the car he buries his face in his hands and just sighs dramatically "They hated me". It will take a few tries but soon your friends will love him, they will be completely won over by how well he takes care of you and how he looks at you while you’re talking.

When he’s kissing you, which is as much as he can possibly get away with, his hands are always up to no good. As a couple you're constantly late to dinners or events because the second you step out of the room all dressed up, he's walking toward you with that little shy smile before reaching you and kissing you, hugging you close and groaning "Babe…" in your ear (and yes, he's already hard). He's just obsessed with the faces that you make for him and only him and he loves having you all to himself.

His emotional side can come out at the drop of a hat, like when on your first anniversary you decided to buy him flowers since you'd heard most guys never get flowers from anyone in their life and the second you hand over the bouquet to him with a big smile he's reaching up to wipe his tears. He prefers to gift jewelry, especially necklaces so you can wear a physical reminder of his love everywhere you go. As a partner, he does need a lot of mental care and support from you. His moon can make him anxious at times, even though he can try to project a constructed image of complete fearlessness and dominance, with you, his love, he lets himself feel fear, self doubt and be soft and he trusts you to protect and soothe him.

NSFW Below

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San has a thing for ownership; I won't say a breeding kink but more of an ownership one. He doesn't like other men looking at you with what he feels are impure expressions (hypocrite!) and the times that he really needs to reassert himself are probably after a night out together dancing at a club. Of course your attention was fully on him (in fact you think YOU have better grounds to be jealous when he wears shirts that show off his chest like that) but seeing other guys expressions as they watched you press your body into him drove him crazy. He gets you home and in bed, gently kissing all over your face before he orders you to get on your hands and knees before fucking you relentlessly until your arms have given out and you're facedown in the pillow, blissed out from the force of how hard he thrusts into you, feeling his strong fingers sinking punishingly into your ass. It feels like he’s using you like a toy the way he’s manipulating your body and filling the room with lewd smacks. Eventually he releases you, planting both hands on either side of you and pressing his whole body down into yours, kissing his way up your back till reaching the base of your neck. “Do you like that? Mm?” His deep voice drives you crazy and all you can do is whimper a response while he plants more sloppy kisses in the base of your neck and biting down harshly into the joint of your neck and shoulder when he feels himself about to cum, groaning loudly at the precious little sounds you let out for him as he empties inside you. He only wants to mark you all over and fill you again and again to show you who you belong to, and how good he takes care of you. He'll definitely eventually gift you a collar, the everyday wear chain type that looks like a necklace, but with a small silver lock on the front that only he has the key to.

As your relationship progresses and matures, you'll learn the right buttons to push with him out in public to have him leaning over to grip your inner thigh roughly, smiling outwardly as he leans in to whisper "just wait till I get you home".

He’s a lingerie and matching set appreciator, like the fact that you would doll yourself up and put on something uncomfortable but really sexy just for him genuinely makes him feel so soft for you…and then really really hard for you. He's really into stimulating and sucking on your breasts and nipples, and the lingerie just makes them look so amazing for him. He'd be so gentle with you while you're wearing it because he doesn't want to mess any of the delicate garments up. He just sits you down in front of the mirror with your back leaning against his chest and taking his time to touch every part of you, kissing your neck and intently watching your expression in the mirror until you're so sensitive you feel like you might cum just from him pinching your nipples through the lace. Only then does he slide his hand down to finally give some attention to your swollen clit.

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Ty @cursedeastern for requesting San

(Also very new to tagging so if you do request something and prefer I not put your user in the text post or have another way to notify just lmk ♡( •ॢ◡-ॢ)✧˖° ♡ )

I'm still working on Seonghwa's because his chart is just so interesting lol I keep going off on a tangent like I'm doing an actual reading and forget to write in the romantic bits. But I'm hoping to post by this weekend.

I already had San fully formed in my mind due to my many run in's with Scorpio and Cancer men ( ╥ω╥ ) Y'all can KEEP EM' but also due to seeing his general behavior in videos...he really embodies the Cancer man to me

#choi san #ateez fanfic #ateez smut #ateez x reader #ateez imagines #san smut #ateez hard thoughts

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paperclip-skz · 30 days ago

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Happy Halloween OT8

a/n: So this is my "apology" for not doing Kinktober. I think this is what I'll do (if it gets good feedback) for special holidays/events, that sort of thing... I don't know. This is the first time I've done this sort of thing, and I'll be honest—I'm very nervous. I hope you'll like it. and ....yea

p.s: this is gonna be my "sat" post as well.

fem reader x ot8

*WARNING*

CONTAINS Pnv, praising, teasing, kissing, oral (m and F receiving), make-out, mentions of insecurities, the reader is VERY insecure, be mentally healthy, fluff, riding, grinding, creampie (don't), spanking, voyeurism, rough, I'll be honest I didn't fully proof read this cause I kinda rushed; I'm sure I missed something...

WC: 7k

Synopsis: Your SKZ's manager finds out you're not so confident in yourself. Now, they are determined to show you how truly special you are.

********************

It's a normal Thursday afternoon. You're pulling a small trolley filled with small containers labeled with names. You push the trolley into the practice studio, where you see Minho leading the rest of the group.

“Come and get it!” you shout, leading the trolley to the side.

The boys sprint in your direction, saying their “thank yous” and each taking a container with their name on it until there are only two left—one labeled Chan and the other blank. Chan walks up to you with his warm smile and endearing eyes as he takes his labeled lunch, “Thank you, Y/N.”

“No problem, Chan, it's my job,” you smile.

You take yours and take your spot in the small circle the boys created in the middle of the studio. They all murmur amongst themselves as they eat their lunch until something Seungmin says that makes your ears perk.

“All I’m saying is that it's easy to thirst over you, Felix Hyung, because you have abs. I don’t.” his voice is small, and it makes your heart shatter into tiny pieces at his words.

"Minnie, you really shouldn't have to worry about any of that. In fact, none of you need to. Each and every one of you is not just attractive but truly stunning. You're all hot, and even then, people don’t love you just because you're beautiful but because you all love each other and your fans." Your words spill out in a rush, but you don't mind. It's important that they understand just how amazing they are.

Chan's smile is warm from your words but doesn’t reach his eyes. “Thank you Y/N. Sometimes it's just hard.”

You understand him, but they can’t possibly believe they are any less extraordinary than they already are. You can’t explain why you say your next words or why they make your blood turn, but….you can’t help it. “Than who would you rather look like? Me?” you scoff.

Stuffing the last bit of lunch into your mouth. Everyone freezes. Minho and Seungmin stare dead at you, Binnie looks like he is about to cry, and Jisung and Hyunjin freeze, holding a fork mid-bite.

Chan also freezes. Staring at you with hurt in his eyes, his look almost makes you think you directed your comment at him if it wasn't for his following words. “What do you mean by that Y/N?”

Panic surges within you. Well, now what? You weren’t one to share your insecurities out loud, and you definitely weren’t one to challenge them either. You were somewhat confident with how you looked and how people saw you, but that didn’t mean you wished you could change things. “I just mean….” there's no getting out of this now. “I’m not like any of you guys,” you laugh awkwardly. “I don’t have strong arms, toned abs, or even the equivalent…. I’m just… me.” You look down at your hands in your lap.

“I’m sorry, I’m still confused. Angel, are you saying you don’t like your body?” Hyunjin looks at you, dropping his fork into the remains of his lunch.

You look up at him. “I—well-...yea…yea I—” you say, but the sound of your phone ringing cuts you off. You quickly grab and answer your phone, apologizing for leaving the room and silently thanking whatever higher power got you out of that in your head.

******

A few minutes later, you hang up the phone. Now, you're debating whether you want to return to the studio. You turn on your heel, deciding against walking into whatever awkward silence situation awaits you. But before you could even walk down the hallway, someone grabbed your wrist. As you turn your head, you lock eyes with a person whose gaze is tainted by the remnants of spilled coffee. Their eyes mirror what you can only describe as sorrow, causing a sharp pang in your chest.

“Wait, Y/N, can I talk to you for a second?” Chan whispers.

“Yeah, what's up?” you perk, trying to smile your way out of awkwardness.

“What you said back there? Were you serious?”

You steer clear of making eye contact. “I mean, yeah,” you throw your arms up in defense, still unwilling to meet his defeated eyes. “I would pretty much give anything to look even remotely close to any of you guys. I’m not—" Your words fail when you do look up to see his face.

He looks more than defeated; he looks hurt. “Chan… it's okay. It's not like I’m not confident with what I have; I make it work.” You laugh through your words, trying to lighten the mood.

Your phone rings in your hand again, and you know you need to get back to work. "Hey, I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Yeah," Chan smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes, and you know from seeing him genuinely smile that he has something on his mind. But you decide not to address it and leave to get back to the rest of the day.

*****

‘Can I see you after work?’ Chan texts.

‘Sure! Is everything okay?’ A hint of concern seeps into your head, and you bite your lip, hoping nothing has gone wrong.

‘Yeah, everything’s fine. I just want to talk a bit more, if that’s cool with you.’ he responds

‘Of course. I’ll be done in a bit,’ you reply, feeling a flutter of anticipation in your stomach.

As the workday drags on, your mind frequently wanders back to Chan's request. The way he looked at you yesterday, the weight in his gaze—there was something urgent behind those soft brown eyes. The clock seems to mock you as each minute ticks by, and when it finally strikes the end of the day, you practically sprint to the exit.

Outside, the evening air is filled with a cool breeze, sending shivers down your spine. You spot Chan leaning casually against a wall, his trademark smile lighting up his features. There’s a warmth in how he stands, a confidence that makes you feel at ease despite the gravity of your earlier conversation.

“Hey!” he calls out as you approach, his smile widening, igniting a warmth in your chest.

“Hey!” you reply, unable to suppress your grin, but the playful atmosphere doesn’t fully mask the anxious flutter of your heart.

“Let’s take a walk?” he suggests, and you nod, matching your pace with his as you stroll down the sidewalk. The fading sunlight paints the sky in hues of pink and gold, wrapping you both in a serene ambiance.

After a moment of comfortable silence, Chan turns to you, his expression shifting to something more serious. “About what you said yesterday… I really want you to know that I think you’re beautiful just the way you are.”

You stop walking, caught off guard by his words. “Chan, I—”

“No, let me finish.” He takes a deep breath, his brows furrowing slightly in concentration. “I get it. We all have insecurities, but you have this light that just… shines. The way you support us, how you care—it’s more than just looks. You’re a big part of our family.”

Your heart swells at his words, the sincerity in his voice washing over you like a warm wave. “I appreciate that, really. It’s just hard sometimes.”

“It is,” he agrees, stepping closer, his voice barely more than a whisper. “But I want you to be kinder to yourself. You deserve that.”

His gaze remains fixed on yours, and it feels like time has stopped. The world around you fades, leaving just the two of you in this moment, filled with unspoken understanding and connection.

“Thank you, Chan,” you finally say, feeling vulnerable yet cherished.

You smile, feeling the warmth spread through you.

“This actually reminds me. I needed to show you something, but it's back at the dorm,” Chan says, rubbing the back of his neck.

Your smile widens. What in the world is going on? “Um, sure, but can I ask what it’s for?”

“I wanted to discuss something about work with you, but it’s on my home computer, not my laptop,” Chan explains.

Your curiosity peaks. He never comes unprepared; nevertheless, it's Chan. You've always trusted his judgment, especially when it comes to work.

“Okay, I suppose,” you shrug, not thinking much of it.

That leaves you standing in front of 3 Racha's and Hyunjin’s apartment.

Chan opens the door and steps inside first, blocking your view. “So, what did you want to show me?” you ask, your smile bright.

“It’s right in here.” He steps aside, allowing you to walk into the apartment.

Your eyes widen when you see the rest of the guys crowded into the small living room. Okay, what is going on? “Chan?” you question, but he’s already closed and locked the door behind you.

“Sorry, doll. We knew this was the only way we could get you here,” Hyunjin says, dragging your attention back to the group of men in the room.

“So I’m assuming I’m not here for work reasons?”

Chan suddenly steps into your line of sight, his figure blocking out the chaos around you. You observe every detail: the way his shoulders are tense, the subtle clenching of his fists at his sides, and the tight lines of his mouth. He stands silently, an impenetrable wall of unexpressed emotions, deliberately avoiding your gaze as if the weight of his thoughts is too heavy to share.

A churning confusion fills your mind; you can’t shake the questions racing through you. What is he thinking? Why are you here, caught in this surreal moment? The air feels thick and electric, amplifying your unease as you ponder the mystery of the situation. Will someone please just say something?

Chan joins the rest of the guys in the living room, still keeping his head down. Finally, Felix answers for the group: “No Angel, sorry. We just want to talk.” His voice is so soft, almost like he’s scared, you’ll run away.

“About what?” You ask.

“About what you said earlier.” This time, it's Binnie who speaks.

You groan, “This again, seriously guys, it’s fine.”

“No, it's not, doll,” Hyunjin says, stepping before everyone. We know what it's like—” words die in his throat. You can see the wheels of his mind turning, a visible storm brewing beneath the surface. His brow creases in concentration, and his lips curl into a grimace that speaks of inner turmoil. The flicker of pain in his eyes is almost palpable as if each thought pierces through him like a shard of glass. Watching him grapple with this internal conflict sends a slow, painful ache deep within you, evoking a powerful sense of need to hold him, to vanquish any negative thoughts he might have.

Jisung comes up behind him, squeezing his shoulder. “We just want to remind you how beautiful you are,” Jisung smiles at you.

“This is all sweet, guys, but I can't change my opinion of myself just because you say some nice things about me,” you say, feeling bashful and uneasy. Your emotions well up at the idea of your friends attempting to cheer you up, but you know it's not that simple.

“You're right,” Chan pipes, his sudden voice booming off the walls, “It won’t change your mind, but maybe showing you will.” he strides across the room and suddenly grasps your jaw, angling you forward into his embrace and sealing your lips with his. His kiss is demanding and hungry, begging for entrance into your mouth, and with a gasp, you let him in. It is a wave of emotions: shock, anger, embarrassment, and above all else, lust.

Your hands, resting on Chan’s chest to push him away, steadily creep up into his hair, pulling at his roots, which release a low rumble from his chest. Your tongue dances with a secret rhythm, finding each other's warmth. You both pause, feeling the need to catch your breath after the intense moment, and you find yourselves gazing deeply into each other's eyes. Time seems to stand still as you're locked in this powerful and captivating gaze until the moment is interrupted by Minho's cough, demanding your attention.

Suddenly, that same steaming lust is replaced by heating embarrassment. Your cheeks radiate heat, and you can already tell your face is as red as a tomato.

Oh. My. God

You take two steps backward, only to fall into Seungmin’s arm. “Hey pup,” he whispers, sending chills down your spine. “Can I show you as well?”

He takes your shocked expression as hidden permission and tilts your head to meet his lips. His kiss is a beautiful contrast to Chan's - gentle and deliberate. He savors each movement of your lips, his touch sending tingles down to your core, and your longing for the kiss to deepen grows with each passing moment. The way his hand cradles your face, the warmth of his breath against your skin, and the soft brush of his lips against yours make your insides coil.

It's not long before you're guided away from Seungmin's lips and directed to another pair. Jisung gently pulls you forward to connect his lips with your own.

You're completely hypnotized by Jisung’s kiss and the way Seungmin presses the full weight of his body to your backside. Different pairs of hands skim your body, coating your skin with goosebumps. You feel multiple pairs of lips wet your exposed skin, what little there is, until you feel a pair of hands gripping the slim fabric and trying to pull it off your body.

You pull away from Jisung to find Minho trying to pry off your clothes. “Can we, kitten? Can we show you just how beautiful you are?”

Your head nods faster than you can think about what's happening around you, but that's all Minho needs. He grabs your wrists, pulls you away from the rest of the group, and guides you to a nearby bedroom.

Everyone follows behind, prowling like your their prey. Minho makes you stand in the center of the room, presenting you like a main course. He comes face to face with you, staring at you for one last sign of permission. You allowed your hand to guide you, resting it on his cheek. Instinctively, he leaned into your touch, closing his eyes and releasing a soft purr at the sensation.

Not a moment later, his hands find your waist, squeezing and tugging you closer to him. You let your body fall into his warmth and let your lips collide with his. He’s lost in the way you taste, the way your tongues demand dominance with one another. His hands travel to the band of your pants, unbuttoning them and dragging them down along with himself. He ends up on his knees, kissing your now exposed legs. His smirk is devilish, shining with a hidden mischief.

He places a soft kiss on your clothed pussy, his eyes staring at the small wet patch you’ve stained. He smirks up at you, “Someone keep her occupied while I’m busy down here.”

Minho hooks his fingers into the band of your panties and pulls them down. You watch his head dip to your now-exposed sex. He darts his tongue out to place kitten licks across your folds, but soon, the taste of you takes over any sense of control he has left in him. He dives his head between your legs, struggling to get his tongue across your entire pussy; all the while, your shaking legs get weak, and you have no choice but to grab hold of his hair for balance.

Whimpers fill the room, your eyes shut tight, and your insides begin to turn. Everyone in the room has held their breath to watch you shake under Minho’s influence.

Finally, Jeongin emerges from the small group of guys in the room. He strides toward you with an effortless grace, each movement deliberate and fluid. His shoulders are back, exuding a calm, hidden confidence that draws your attention. There’s a glint in his eyes, and the subtle curve of his lips makes you buzz with excitement. As he closes the distance, the air around him almost crackles with unspoken energy. Your eyes are blown with lust, and your body trembles with how small you appear under his intense gaze.

His hand cradles your jaw, compelling you to meet his gaze. His iron-like grip makes you fold under his touch, “you look so pretty like this,” he says softly. The sounds Minho is dragging out of your throbbing cunt echo throughout the room. You lean into Jeongins touch, and your eyes inevitably dart to where the rest of the guys are groping their hard-ons. Felix and Jisung already have their dicks out, their hand pumping slowly while they watch the scene unfold. Chan stands silently in the corner, his hands crossed as he studies your eyes.

“Look at me, baby,” Jeongin demands, his grip on your jaw pulling you back. Minho begins to swirl his tongue along your sensitive nub, which makes you whimper. Jeongin’s gaze grows darker, and he sucks in a breath, “we need to quiet the pretty mouth of yours,” he says…” suck on my fingers.”

Your eyes are drawn to him, fixating on the way his face glimmers in the light, the sinister smile spreading across his lips like a shadow creeping over the sun, but before you can answer or protest, he’s shoving two fingers past your lips to suck on.

You hum around his fingers, twirling your tongue around the digit, savoring the sweet-salty taste. You initially believed that you would despise the experience, yet surprisingly, you find yourself relishing the sensation. It envelops you like a warmth you didn’t anticipate, awakening feelings you didn't expect to enjoy. His other hand steadily sneaks to grab hold of your clothed breast, squeezing the soft flesh; it makes you buck under his touch, grinding on Minho’s face.

Minho breaks away from your cunt, your arousal dripping down his chin. “Fuck, you taste so good” You gasp away from Jeongin’s fingers from the loss of Minho’s tongue and look down at his blown-out eyes. He looks high, high off the taste of you, and it's clear he isn’t done.

“I want a taste dammit!” Jisung whines.

“Well then, come get it, crybaby.” Minho stands and walks confidently over to Jisung. He stands tall, his chest rising slowly in front of him. He can see the temptation in his eyes, and you can sense Jisung’s mind turning with need, debating right from wrong. He stands tall, his chest rising and falling with each measured breath as if trying to steady himself amidst the swirling emotions. The temptation glimmers in his eyes, a mixture of desire and uncertainty. You can almost feel the weight of Jisung's internal struggle; his mind races with conflicting thoughts, torn between the allure of what he wants and the moral compass guiding him toward what is right. Each moment seems to stretch as he grapples with his impulses, caught in a delicate dance between longing and restraint.

Soon, Minho becomes impatient with Jisung’s uncertainty and takes matters into his own hands. He grasps the back of Jisung’s neck, pulling him flat against his own lips. You can see your own arousal mixed with how their lips dance, and it sends a newfound tingle straight to your core.

“You like that babydoll?” Changbin speaks, coming forward next to Jeongin. You nod your head, slightly mesmerized by how Jisung and Minho have entwined themselves.

“Then keep watching,” Changbin whispers in your ear as his hand slowly sneaks down to your core, toying with your folds. He rubs your clit for only a little while, swirling what’s left of your wetness around your entrance until, finally, he dips one of his fingers into you. He sinks deep inside you, almost making you fall backward onto the bed.

Your eyes roll to the back of your skull, and Changbin only smirks. Jeongin stares at your fucked out expression, mesmerized by how your body reacts to different touches. “We should lay her down so everyone can have a turn.” Felix’s voice makes you jump, which evidently makes you roll on Changbins finger. You moan loudly as he finds that secret gummy spot within you. “Lix is right,” Hyunjin pipes.

“Fine by me.” Changbin slowly guides you to lay your back on the bed, his finger never leaving you.

Changbins finger slowly start to pump within your walls and you moan at the feeling of his girthy finger twirling inside you. You're not entirely sure how, but somehow, someone removed your flimsy shirt, revealing your breasts practically spilling out of your bra.

Hyunjin gawks at them, drooling at the sight. Changbin leans by your side, watching you thrive under his manipulation, and then you feel him add another finger. You're too distracted by Changbins skilled fingers to tell Hyunjin he can have his fill if he wants to; the only sounds leaving your lips are small moans. So, instead of speaking, you grab Hyunjins jaw and slowly guide him to your chest. He takes the hint right away and shines a pretty boy smile. He starts placing small kisses along your bra before diligently reaching under you to unclasp your bra, leaving you bare before the eight men in the room.

Hyunjin lets out a small “fuck” at the sight, but soon he’s attaching his lips to a hardened nipple and sucking on the bud like his life depends on it. The sensation of both Changbin’s and Hyunjin’s efforts makes your body arch into them, and you start to feel the coil in your lower belly begin to break.

Your moans are louder, Changbin’s hand pumps faster, and the air in the room is so thick your breath quickens. “I- I’m gonna-”

“We know, sweetheart, let go,” Felix whispers in your ear. When the hell did he get here?

Changbin can feel you clenching around his fingers, but he decides to add to your pleasure by pressing his tongue flat against your clit. You scream loudly as your first orgasm washes over you. Changbin only slowly his finger and keeps his tongue pressed against you, letting you ride the waves of your pleasure. Hyunjin stays where he is, switching from one nipple to the other, clearly content.

Felix cradles you between his legs, making you more comfortable in his arms as he caresses your hair. “You did so well for us, sweets.” You can barely keep your eyes open, but a deeper part of you knows you are not done, that they aren’t done.

“You taste so sweet, angel.” Hyunjin lifts his head from one of your nipples.

“Come ooon, your hoggin her!” Seungmin starts. Hyunjin disappears from your line of sight, his hand disappearing between his legs.

Jisung and Minho have separated from each other to observe the scene. Your head feels heavy, resting against Felix’s thigh. You loll your head back and forth across his thigh until you come face to face with Felix’s red mushroom tip. It already leaks precum, which makes your mouth water with need.

Your tongue pokes out to lick a small strip up Felix’s waiting dick. He hisses at the contact. The salty, bitter taste tastes so sweet on your tongue that it makes your mouth loll out to take his whole length down your throat. His hand comes over to push your hair out of your face; it's not the most comfortable position - Your body still between Felix’s legs while your neck is at an angle where you can reach his swollen member. The rest of the guys watch your struggle, your legs still twitching from your orgasm.

“Thats it” Seungmin marches over to your body. You momentarily separate yourself from Felix’s cock, only so Seungmin can flip you over on your stomach. You reattach your lips onto Felix’s member while Seungmin plays with the flesh of your ass, squeezing and massaging.

You can’t see him, but you can just imagine what he must look like. His body bare to the world, his leaking cock begging to be swallowed whole until you feel two of his digits delicately rubbing against your folds. He plays with you for a moment, watching you moan around Felix’s cock from the overstimulation.

The vibrations of your moan send shivers down Felix’s spine. His hand comes back down to hold your head; you can feel his restraint, not wanting to cross any hidden barriers.

Seungmin spreads your legs as wide as they can, and he sneaks his way between them, letting his cock rub up and down your waiting folds. The idea of finally being full, finally getting the sensation you’ve been craving, especially without the barrier of a condom, makes your whole body buzz.

“You ready, pup? Condom or not, you better tell me now,” Seungmin says.

Without answering, you push your ass against him. You're on birth control, and you know the risks, but you simply can’t find it in yourself to care; you’re so full of need, and lust simmers off your skin.

“Fuuuuuck,” he groans and pushes only the tip past your walls. You are still halfway past Felix’s cock, enjoying the initial stretch. “Pussy so warm and tight,” he moans, pushing further into you. You let out a muffled whine; he’s isn’t as girthy as you expected, but he long. He hits all the right places, curving upward, every ridge and vein, making it impossible not to roll your eyes at the feeling.

Your eyes are screwed tight while your lips are occupied. Seungmin finally pushes his full length inside you; in doing so, he pushes you further down Felix’s cock. Seungming’s hips collide with your ass cheeks, and your lips meet with Felix’s groin. You feel so full, so stretched, and oh so good.

You coke a little on Felix, and he immediately removes his hand from the back of your head. “Shit, Y/N, are you okay?” he rushes with his words. He takes you off his cock, watching your face for any signs, but all you do is smirk. With Seungmin inside you and squeezing your hips, you're so lust-driven that you don’t care if your throat burns a little. So, you guide his hand back to the back of your head and lower your lips back to his dripping member. He lets out a guttural groan as your tongue presses flat against his length.

Seungmin watches Felix lose himself in your mouth, “Jesus fucking Christ,” he whispers out, and with that, he starts to move his hip. He starts slow, letting his cock drag against your walls.

Felix’s hand guides your head up and down his length, your spit spilling down your chin and Seungmins cock picking up pace. He has no need to be fast or brutal, but you can feel he wants to be embedded in you; he wants you to remember how deep he is. So he keeps his steady pace, not too fast but pressing deep into your stomach.

Like Seungmin before, you don’t see him, but Hyunjin appears at your side, letting his hands roam your body. His rough fingertips make the sensation of Seungmin’s cock heighten. “Look at you, you're beautiful,” Hyunjin praises.

Your body feels warm from his praise, but it is quickly replaced with a sharp pain from the smack Seungmin lets out on your left ass cheek. He lets it form a pretty pink mark before slapping another to your right cheek, matching it well. Your moans are muffled by your focus on Felix’s cock, but you can feel the swell of your tears forming.

Felix’s eyes have never been so focused on you or so dark. You dare to make eye contact with him, letting him see the tears form and one fall across your cheek.

He flushes at the sight. Your mouth is stuffed full of HIS cock, and your teary eyes overflowing; your cheeks are flushed pink, and your hands grip his thighs like you don’t want to be pulled away from him.

There are so many hands, so many touches, and so many feelings that you are so overwhelmed with sensations and emotions that you can’t tell when one starts or when one ends.

Seungmin releases a loud moan when he feels you clenching around his member…and he snaps. Letting pure instinct take control. His hands hold your hips, and he starts railing into your pussy like never before. “Fuck, fuck, fuck” he lets out with each pound he makes into you.

At this point, you don’t have to lift your head. You let Seungmin push and pull your pack, making a perfect rhythm on Felix’s dick.

That familiar coil in your stomach builds quicker than before. “Fuck I can feel you clenching,” Sungmin moans, “are you gonna cum again, pup?”

You moan around Felix, which makes his head fall back. “Fucking cum on my cock” Seungmin makes his last few thrust prominent, making sure you never forget the feeling of his dick inside you. He shoots white spurts of cum into your cunt. You don’t know if it was the feeling of being full or the fact that you haven't had a dick inside you for the better part of 2 years, but you cum again. You spasm around his dick like crazy, legs shaking, eyes rolling to the back of your head.

Felix visibly shakes from your orgasm, and it makes him shoot his load straight down your throat. You hold your head still, letting your mouth take the full capacity of his load, not letting a single drop slip. Once you lift your head, you make a dramatic show out of swallowing down his load and opening your mouth to him as proof.

Seungmin releases your hips, and your legs flop like jello as you roll over onto your back. “I’m sorry, bunny, but I need you” All you can muster is a small moan before Changbin pulls your body to the end of the bed aligning his cock along your throbbing entrance. He wastes no time shoving his needy cock all the way into you, kissing your bruised cervix. You make a weak attempt to squirm away, your over-sensitive walls making your whole body burn.

He grabs hold of your hips, making a low growl. “Fuck how are you still so tight.” His cock pulls in and out of your hole, and your legs weakly wrap around his waist. He pistons his hips in and out of you. Sounds that can only be described as pornographic bounce throughout the room, leaving the rest of the men to watch the scene unfold before them.

“Hey kitten, remember me?” he whispers. Minho comes into view above you.

Changbin doesn’t let up from his pace, hitting your gummy walls perfectly every time. You crane your head up to look at Minho, staring down at you. He looks lethal from here, his body coated in a sheer sheet of sweat, his bare chest in clear view, and his devilish smirk shining brightly.

Your whole body shakes from how rough Changbin is being with you, but you don’t mind. You love the slight pain he inflicts on your used cunt, you love the way they look at you, like your food, and they are starved.

“Is our little binnie treating you well?” Minho leans down to ghost your ear.

His voice makes your body clench, “fuck yes, bunny, keep doing that,” Changbin growls.

“Does it feel good?” Minho's voice grows impossibly lower. Your face crunches up tight in pleasure.

His hands dig bruises into your hips, “so good for us. Look at how well you take Binnie.” Minho sneaks his hand across your body, inching down to where you and Changbin connect. He finds your overly sensitive nub in no time and starts rubbing circles. Your body squirms, but both Changbin and Minho hold you still.

“You can do it, baby” Minho whispers in your ear. You didn’t notice your orgasm building because your whole body hums with aftershocks.

“I can’t- please, I can’t.”Your voice comes out as a strangled cry, tears in your eyes. But deep down, you know you can handle what they’re doing; in fact, you crave their dominance, their control—you crave them.

“Oh yes, you can, kitten,” his voice grows wild. In fact, you're gonna do it now,” his finger presses flat against your nub.

You come undone with a scream, shaking a spasaming out of control. It's not until you realize Changbin has finished his thrusts in you that you see your arousal dripping down his chest.

“Look at that pretty, you squirted all over Binnie” Hyunjin smiles that big teethy smile.

Changbin pulls out of you with a gutted groan, while Minho moves his hands so he can rub delicate circles along your hips.

You think you might pass out with how heavy your body feels. Jisung’s eager body comes jumping into view.

You can barely lift your eyelids, until you feel the softness of Jisungs lips connect with yours. You lean in, heart racing, trying your best to kiss him back. Every inch of you longs for this moment to stretch into eternity. Yet, despite your desire, your body feels heavy and immobile, like a weighted blanket draped over the soft sheets. You feel the warmth of his lips against yours, but the sensation of the mattress pulling you down makes it difficult to fully engage in the kiss.

Jisung pulls away for a brief moment, his warm brown eyes glinting in the soft light. A gentle smile spreads across his face as he leans closer. “It’s okay, pretty,” he murmurs, his voice soothing and tender. As he reaches up, his hand gently pats your head in a comforting gesture. “Next time,” he promises, his expression filled with sincerity, assuring you that this won’t be the end.

Jisung nods to Minho as they both help you to sit up. Thick drips of cum slide down your legs, and the warmth of it makes you clench, sending more down your thighs.

Both Minho and Jisung stare at it, watching it slowly run down. You look down, noticing only Jisung has a thumping red tip leaking precum, but Minho's pretty cock lays limp. “Was Felix not enough for you kitten?” Minho answer your hidden thoughts.

You lick your lips at his words. He smirks, “Why don’t you take care of Jisungie? I’m all good.” He nods to the small wet patch glistening on his lower stomach.

You bite your lip at the thought of Minho getting off at all the dirty scenes that unfolded. You look back to Jisung’s pleading eyes, and you can’t help the smile that spreads across your face.

You lower your head, sticking your tongue out to tease him, only giving him small kitten licks. You feel his hands across your head patting it, until he grips your hair tightly. He forces you to look up at him, giving him a perfect show of how your neck stretches. “What do you do if it's too much?” he says.

You bite your lip, “squeeze two times to stop, once to slow down”

“Good girl” he calls and then he aligns your lips back down to his cock, slowly pushing it into your mouth.

Your sole focus is keeping your lips tightly around his member and lolling your tongue so it drags along his bass. Jisung moans at the feeling of your warm wet mouth coating his cock, and soon he's slowly thrusting his hips into your throat. You don’t need to move your head at all, you just keep your head steady as Jisung does all the work. His tip hit the back of your throat making you gag around his cock, his hips stutter for a moment, but your lips keep their hold.

Jisung groans and picks his pace back up again, thrusting his hips into your throat. It's not long after he’s shooting his cum down said throat and your humming from the sweet salty taste.

*****

After everything you went through your body still tingles. You can feel Binnie’s cum still dripping down your legs, and your throat is sore from how Jisung used it, but still, you couldn’t be happier. Chan carries you to the tub where they’ve runned you a bath. They thought of everything, from the bath bomb to the water temperature.

You can hear the rumble of Chan’s giggles when he sees your blissed face.

He carefully lets you rest your back to the edge of the bathtub, letting your body soak in the warm water. He pulls his arm from underneath you and kisses your head. " Let me know when you're ready,” he whispers and attempts to leave, but you grab hold of his arm.

“No,” you let out, unable to produce many words. His warmth was so comforting when he carried you, and you were surrounded by so much warmth the last thing you wanted was the warmth to walk away, especially his.

“Huh,” he looks at you, worried written all over his face.

“Don’t go,” you whine, your pouty lips beckoning him back.

He lets out a small laugh and nods his head forward. You lean forward, allowing him to slip his body into the tub and behind you.

You rest against his back, basking in his and the warmth of the water. You cuddle close to him…until you feel…it.

Your eyes pop at his hard member poking your side. And thats when you realize Chan didn’t really have a proper chance at you. You angle your head to look up at him, seeing that he’s staring back down at you. He’s silent, with a smile that stretches to his eyes.

You realize that this probably wouldn't have happened if it weren’t for him. A warm smile spreads across your face as you vividly recall the memory that sparked this whole chain of events, and you can’t help but notice how your entire body reacts - each heartbeat a little stronger, each thought a little bit more confident than the last.

You move slightly to where you're straddling his lap, his member only a slight shift of your hips away from entering your already spent hole.

“Wha-what are you doing, babygirl?”

Instead of finding the right words, you draw closer and press your lips against his. You kiss him with the same passion you once showed him and with a new confidence. You can’t find the words to thank him, so you try to show it.

You can feel the soft brush of his lips and the familiar scent of him enveloping you, creating a cocoon of intimacy. In this moment, gratitude fills you to the brim, but the words elude your tongue. Instead of speaking, you pour all your unspoken thanks into the kiss, hoping he senses the depth of your feelings—the joy, the longing, and the overwhelming passion you have for him.

You roll your hips slightly, his cock sliding along your entrance; you both sigh at the feeling. “But-wait-” but again, you don’t let him finish; you're already lifting your hips so his length slides into your waiting hole.

Chan lets out a low growl when he bottoms out inside you, kissing your cervix. You hiss at the stretch; it's painful, especially since your walls are bruised and swollen. He takes his time, letting you get used to the added stretch of his length. You bite your lip as the pain quickly subsides into a throbbing pleasure.

Thankfully, when Chan starts to rock his groin into you, he starts slow, knowing you're sore and worn out - still, you can’t help the whimpers that escape your lips, “I know babygirl, just hold on tight to me,” he calls.

You grip his shoulder like a vice as he slowly uses your cunt. You see his face scrunch up in pleasure; you can tell he suppressing the urge to abuse your cunt; you can feel it in the way his hands squeeze your side, almost leaving indents in your hips. You lean your head against his shoulder, your hips trying to match his pace.

You want him to have his way, to let go. “Why are you being so gentle with me?” you finally ask. You could feel the goosebumps coating his skin as you spoke those words.

“I don’t want to hurt you, you're already-” you cut him off with your lips pressed to his. Of course, he would think about you before himself, that was always him…but not tonight.

“I want more, please Chan” You lean back so you can lock his eyes, knowing the one thing to make his control snap, “Please d-daddy, give me more”

His whole body stills. For a second you think you went too far, that you read him wrong, but his eyes turn dark and his grip turns knuckle white.

“Okay baby” he breathes, “just relax for me Daddy will make it feel good”

The night ended with Chan’s cum mixed with Seungmin’s and Binnies, you were spent and tired, but happy, oh so happy.

Your voice was horse, your body numb and satisfied. That night, you slept in Chan’s arms, wrapped in a cozy blanket, and the sounds of his steady breathing were all you needed for that last push to sleep.

****

In the days that followed, a palpable tension hung in the air, punctuated by stolen glances and fleeting moments that seemed to stretch the boundaries of time. Each shared smile felt electric, igniting a spark that lingered in the spaces between you. You were always aware that if you ever experienced any moments of doubt or uncertainty, they would be right there to remind you just how truly extraordinary and remarkable you are.

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hells-greatest-writer · 8 months ago

Text

Self Love Is Hard.

Lucifer Morningstar x Fem Reader

CW: Angst, Negative Body Image, Fluff, Self-Harm Mention.

Synopsis: You would think that when the King of Hell himself chose you as his love, that any doubts you had about yourself would vanish... but one night the thoughts rear its ugly head once more. Word Count: 3,481

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The night was unusually quiet in the hotel. Most mornings were left with redemption exercises that Charlie had planned with the staff and guests, while the night most people stuck together having fun. Usually, you would be with Lucifer in his workshop, reading in your chair while he worked on his little duck creations. Music would be playing on the radio that Alastor had given you that you begged Lucifer to let you keep. You usually looked forward to most nights knowing it would just be you and Lucifer together, though quiet, enjoying each other's company.

Tonight, though it was different, Lucifer was still in the Greed ring dealing with Mammon's temper tantrum over the loss of Fizzarolli, and Lucifer had to deal with the consequences of it. You knew Mammon's temper was one that Lucifer didn't want to deal with, but you had convinced him to go after Ozzie texted you about the ordeal.

Staring at your phone, you scrolled through the messages to Lucifer with a frown.

12:51pm: How is it going with Mammon?

No response

5:22pm: Alastor found a cat today, Charlie decided to keep it as a hotel pet!

No response

8:07pm: Any idea when you're going to be back tonight?

Seen

Lucifer hadn't been responding all day, and though you knew it was because he was dealing with his duties, you couldn't help but feel a bit saddened by it. Usually, he would respond with a witty comeback about how Mammon was an asshole or make a snide remark about Alastor. Instead, though you were met with the word 'Seen' at the end of your last message that was sent hours ago. It was now rounding to eleven thirty at night, and you had thought he would be back by now.

Most of his meetings didn't last this long, you know from past meetings, what if this time something had gone wrong? What if he got hurt in the Greed ring? Could he get hurt? That thought never crossed your mind as you never seen this man injured before. He was the most powerful being in all of Hell, could he truly be hurt? If he was... especially in Greed what would happen? You knew there was a place called Ransom, would they try to take him there? Sell him off to Charlie for a huge fee?!

All those thoughts ended quickly as your phone dinged to life indicating you got a message. Quickly, you sat up opening the message app seeing it was a message from Lucifer.

Luci-Love: Sorry duckling, Ozzie asked me to join him in Lust for a few drinks and to catch up. I'll be home later tonight.

You read the message, your frown deepening as you typed out a message and deleted it a few times. Your mind was beginning to race as to what he would be doing in Lust. You knew of the Succubuses that had tried to get with him last time you and him went to Lust together. It was for an anniversary dinner a few months back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"That woman over there won't stop ogling you." You huffed as you took a sip of your red wine glaring daggers to the woman staring at Lucifer. Ever since you two entered Lust, you could feel their stares at your boyfriend, feel the way their jealousy grew as Lucifer had pulled you closer to him. You weren't usually one to be jealous, but you couldn't help but feel that envy tug in your chest. The demons of Lust were quite beautiful, sexy even if you were honest, so the fact that they were making heart eyes to the man you were with annoyed you.

"And that man won't stop staring at me either, but you don't seem to mind that." Lucifer smirked puffing his chest out as he knew he was being stared at by so many. Why wouldn't they want to stare at the King of Hell, he was a sight to behold! Especially tonight with the way he was dressed. Instead of his usual royal garb of his white suit, he was in a deep red tuxedo with black trims. His usual white top hat, left at home for the evening, leaving his blond locks styled perfectly back.

You cocked an eyebrow to him as he looked at you with a slight smirk on his lips before you felt him take your hands from across the table you sat at. He gave them a gentle squeeze looking into your eyes. "But darling, my eyes are on only you." He hummed, pulling your hand up to his mouth giving your knuckles a gentle kiss.

The simple gesture helped to calm your jealous rage down for the moment, not wanting to ruin your anniversary with him. Though the nagging feeling in your chest didn't waver as the waitress flirted with Lucifer, and he seemed to flirt back. He later explained he was simply being nice and didn't hesitate to show you just who he devoted himself to that night.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That nagging feeling was back in your chest as you remembered the Lust ring. A thought tickling the back of your head wondering how many demons were trying their hand at being with Lucifer since you weren't there. How many imps were throwing themselves at him? You knew that Lucifer was loyal, but you couldn't help the doubt that creeped in through the silence.

With a groan, you set your phone down rubbing your face with your hands. You could feel your mind slowly slipping as you imagined what the women who were fawning over Lucifer probably looked like. Gorgeous tall women no doubt with thin waists and bigger assets that would tempt the weak. You knew your body was nothing compared to theirs. You were barely even average in your eyes.

'What does Lucifer even see in me?' Your mind wandered as you moved off the bed, your bare feet hitting the cold wooden floor of your shared bedroom. You slipped your feet into Lucifer's duck slippers as you grabbed the robe off the headboard and wrapped it around yourself.

You slowly walked towards the bathroom wanting to splash some water on your face. Lose the thoughts that were beginning to eat away at you. Before meeting Lucifer, you struggled to love yourself. You couldn't see what he did, how he seemed to worship your body and love every inch of you. How he was always enamored by your apparent beauty that you struggled to see yourself.

Though through the past almost two years of being with him, he has made you feel beautiful. He reminded you daily how much he adored you and loved you. How you were the only woman he ever wanted to see.

'If that's true, then why wouldn't he just come home? Why go to Lust?' The thought filled your head as you walked into the bathroom flipping the light on. Your eyes went to the mirror and stared over yourself. Your hand tracing your cheeks that seemed too puffy, your fingers tracing your jaw that seemed to jut out too much. Your eyes watched your movements, seeming so dull as they looked lower. Even with the robe on, your eyes were able to pick out the stomach rolls.

Instinctively, you looked down at your stomach, and sucked it in the best you could. It wasn't enough. You could still see your stomach jutting out, mocking you. Your hands grabbed at the extra flesh that was there, squeezing at it as your vision blurred with tears. The women in Lust didn't have this pudge, they didn't have this extra weight around their waists. They didn't have to worry about how their bodies looked in clothes. They didn't have to worry about making sure their skin was fully covered to hide away the stretch marks like you did.

You wished you could just cut the extra flesh off, just grab the scissors that laid in the bathroom drawer and chop away the fat that you were so easily able to grab.

Your hands were shaking now as you looked back to the mirror in front of you, watching your tears roll off your round cheeks. Even your tears were hideous. How did other people cry and not look as awful as you did right now. The longer you stared at yourself in the mirror, the more the tears seemed to blur your vision.

'Hideous beast, he pities you.' That same nagging voice mocked you in the back of your mind. That had to be it, Lucifer only felt pity for you... was only keeping you around till someone better came along or came back. Your mind drifting to Lilith now, the woman who left Lucifer all those years ago.

You had seen images of her, she was breathtaking. Tall, thin and gorgeous with long blonde hair. She radiated beauty. Lucifer and her had been married for eons before you two met, did he still miss her? Did he still find her more beautiful than you?

The phone buzzed from the other room indicating you had a new message which snapped you out of your thoughts, even for a moment. With a deep inhale, you left the bathroom, forgetting why you even went in there in the first place as you walked to the bed grabbing your phone. You were expecting it to be Lucifer, saying he would be home soon. Instead, though, it was just Charlie texting the hotel group chat with a new idea for tomorrow's lesson.

With a quick grunt, you threw your phone across the room watching it slam against the wall by a photo of you and Lucifer. It was a photo of the two of you sitting in a garden together, you are laying across his lap happily giggling at whatever he had been saying at the time. The look in both of your gazes was filled with nothing but love and admiration. The longer you stared at the photo though, the more you were nitpicking each imperfection you saw.

Your hair was too frizzy, your face was too round, the way you were squinting gave you what seemed to be crow lines.

As you stared, your eyes moved to the photo on the dresser. It was a smaller framed photo of Lucifer with Charlie and Lilith. He had offered to get rid of it, but you thought it was a sweet memento for him to have. At the time you at least thought so, but now as you walked up to it and lifted the photo you stared at the other woman in the frame. How did Lucifer go from someone like her, to someone like you? It didn't make sense to you.

As time passed, your mind continued down the dark path of self-hatred and you found yourself sitting on the bedroom floor, your robe long lost leaving you in just your pajama shorts and tank top. In front of you was a broken mirror, shattered after you punched your own reflection. It was obvious that you should clean your bleeding fist, but you couldn't bring yourself to. Maybe you should at least clean the broken mirror before Lucifer comes home. The idea of even moving, though it seemed too much to do, all that seemed to help was sitting on the plush carpet, hugging your legs as you stared at the broken reflection now.

The sound of whirring seemed to snap you out of your thoughts as your eyes looked up seeing the gold and red portal appearing in the room. Through the portal, you saw the purple blue sky of the Lust ring and heard people laughing and having fun. Then, coming into view was Lucifer wearing his usual white and red clothes, except his jacket hung around his arm, and his sleeves were rolled up. The buttons of his white and red pinstripe vest were undone as well, revealing the white undershirt he wore.

After a moment the portal closed, and the room returned to the darkness it had been for the past hour or so as you sulked in the corner.

"Darling, are you awake?" Lucifer asked as he set his coat down on the chair. He didn't notice you weren't in bed yet. He didn't see the broken mirror that you cursed yourself for not cleaning up. Nor did he see you in all your broken glory, eyes red and puffy from crying. Your eyes watched his movements as he moved to the bed only to notice you weren't there. "Darling?" His voice called out till his eyes finally found you.

In an instant, the lights to the bedroom snapped on as he looked at you, his vermilion eyes filling with fright. He took in the scene of the broken mirror in front of you, staring at the broken shards on the floor. His eyes then moved to your body that was trembling, hugging yourself with a bloodied fist. Then his eyes met yours, and the fright filled with a deep sadness as he finally noticed how miserable you looked.

"Oh darling..." He whispered as he walked over to you kneeling taking your hands into his. He examined the wound on your hand, noting the tiny shards of glass that glistened in the blood. He looked upset seeing the injury you had caused yourself, his mind wondering what made you do this.

For the first time in hours, you finally spoke, your voice cracking as you did from disuse "I-I'm sorry." You were sorry now, regretting how you felt, regretting all the thoughts you had knowing this was upsetting Lucifer now. You acted reckless, in your emotions, and now after a long day, Lucifer had to see you wallowing in your pity.

His eyes moved from your hands to your eyes as you spoke. One of his hands tenderly reaching out to cup your cheek to comfort you while the other still held your injured hand, cradling it in his own. "Let's get you cleaned up yeah?" He spoke so gently, as though if he was too loud, you'd break once more. He was obviously concerned about the injury, wanting to make sure it was dealt with before he found out what happened.

You didn't fight him as he helped you to your feet, all the energy you had at this point was focused on not crying once again at how soft he was being with you. You didn't fight as he took you into the bathroom, nor as he guided you to sit on the edge of the bathtub. The cold porcelain of the tub seems to help ground you from the spiraling thoughts in your mind.

Lucifer gently let your hand go as he began searching the cabinet for the first aid kit, muttering under his breath about how it seemed to have grown legs and moved. "Other... Cabinet" you told him, pointing with your good hand at the other cabinet door that he hadn't checked. He glanced over at you with a thankful smile before he grabbed the first aid kit from the other cupboard and sat beside you on the bathtub.

He was gentle as he picked the glass out with tweezers, and careful as he applied the antiseptic onto the wound cleaning it out. The silence of the whole procedure was eating away at you, worried about what he was thinking. He probably thought you were a mess; he probably was annoyed that he had to deal with your mistakes. The fear of him leaving you poking at your mind as tears began to prick at your eyes.

Once your hand was properly cleaned and wrapped, Lucifer brought your hand to his lips, and gave it a gentle kiss. His deep red eyes staring into your own, and those thoughts faded immediately. He didn't look angry or annoyed like you were thinking, instead, his eyes were filled with love and care. Just like in the bedroom, he brought his other hand to your face, wiping away the tear that had escaped your eyes with his thumb gliding across your cheek.

"What's wrong Dove?" He spoke so softly still, calling you by your favorite nickname he had given you. "What happened to the mirror in the bedroom?"

Your gaze finally broke from his as you looked away, looking anywhere else than his eyes. How do you explain to someone who loves you so much, that you doubted that love? How do you explain to someone who reminds you of your beauty daily, that you hated your body? The words seemed to be stuck in your throat, but Lucifer waited, he didn't push as the silence festered between both of you.

The man before you simply kept his hand on your cheek providing a subtle comfort as his thumb continued to caress at your tears wiping them away with each swipe. You couldn't speak still, instead moving your hand to your cheek, holding his. His smile was sad, worried about what was eating away at your mind.

"Speak to me Dove... What is hurting you so badly?" He finally pressed the issue after you didn't answer his first questions. All he wanted to know was what was causing you so much grief, so much pain to have you shatter the floor length mirror in your shared bedroom.

When he left this morning, you were happy. You both had shared a tender moment wrapped in each other's arms before he left to go deal with Mammon. Now though, you were like a hallow shell of yourself, and from the damage from the mirror, Lucifer had an inkling of an idea as to why.

This wasn't the first time you spiraled in your relationship together. He has comforted you just as much as you had comforted him in the time you two were together. He knew firsthand just how bad your mind could be to yourself. The nights where he hugged your crying form for hours proved that. Though he has never seen you this bad before. Just how long had you been alone with your thoughts?

The silence seemed to just grow more between you two, before finally, the tension in your throat keeping you from talking seemed to loosen. With a shaky inhale of breath, you looked at his eyes which stared at yours still waiting for an answer.

"Why me?" You began, your hand leaving his that was still against your cheek and instead fidgeted in your lap as your eyes left his. "There are so many other women out there who are far better suited for you..." That tight knot was back gripping your throat once more making it hard to speak, but you pushed through. "S-so many more women wh-who are more beautiful. M-more appealing, More-"

Your voice was cut off as Lucifer's lips pressed against yours gently silencing you immediately. After a moment he pulled back, his other hand now coming to hold your other cheek.

"My love, there is no one in either Heaven nor in Hell whose beauty can outweigh your own. Even if there was, you are the only woman I desire." He spoke slowly and quietly, staring deep into your own eyes. One of his hands moved and took yours, pressing it against his chest. "My heart beats for you, and for you alone." His other hand moved and took your injured hand tenderly, bringing it to his mouth kissing it once more.

These are words you have heard him say before, words uttered during past spirals. Words he would remind you of every chance he could, no matter how much you couldn't believe them yourself. You knew he was being genuine each time, his eyes holding no falsehoods, his voice never faltering as he spoke. It was the truth, and you never understood just why.

"You are the one I want to spend eternity with no matter the cost. The one who holds my heart in such tangles. I thought when I fell from Heaven, that would be the last time I ever fell. Then you stumbled into my life, and I fell even harder, and I do every single day. It's because you mean so much to me my little dove." He went on, taking the hand against his chest, and brought it up to his lips as well, kissing both of your hands.

The tears in your eyes now weren't from the pain you felt anymore, but from his words. Your partner was perfect in your eyes, always knowing the right things to say, the right movements to do. He knew the words that you needed to hear, and didn't hesitate to let you know every thought.

Without another word you leapt at him, wrapping your arms around his chest, knocking the two of you into the bathtub. The dam broke as he in turn wrapped his arms around you, holding you close to him. You wept in his arms, burying your face in his shoulder. Lucifer’s hand brushed through your hair, scratching gently at your scalp to comfort you silently, letting you release the emotions you were dealing with. How foolish you had been to let your thoughts get the better of you. How foolish you were to doubt the love this man had for you. You knew deep down you didn’t deserve him, yet he would beg to differ and would deny those thoughts of yours. He would even counter that he didn’t deserve you. When he fell from Heaven, he didn’t think he would be deserving of such love as yours’s, yet you love him day in and day out by choice, and he didn't think he deserved it either. After some time had passed, you had finally calmed down in his arms. Lucifer's hand not leaving your head as he continued to caress your hair, placing a soft kiss on your temple. Your tears finally had dried up, or well dried more so on Lucifer's red and white vest. Lucifer took the time to sit you both up in the bathtub, having you sit on his lap with one more kiss to your forehead. "Let's not go punching mirrors anymore, okay? If you need an outlet for that rage, we can ask Satan for some pointers." He joked as he stood up lifting you with him in his arms, carrying you as though you were weightless. You couldn't help but choke out a laugh nodding as you laid your head against his shoulder. "I learned my lesson... Mirrors fucking hurt." You responded as he carried you into the bedroom. You both would be okay, even if some days are harder than the other, you both had each other to help soften the blow of those hatred filled thoughts. Even if self love was sometimes hard, you knew that even if you couldn't love yourself, Lucifer had enough love to give you in replace of it.

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