#It was London 83 I think :D

[beepbeepbirdie]

John Partridge played ELECTRA in STARLIGHT EXPRESS????. FUCKING ELECTRAAAAA?????????

[numetaljackdog]

Top 100 favorite albums as of March 2023 (full list under cut)

1. Radiohead - Amnesiac

2. Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory (Bonus Edition)

3. Rina Sawayama - Sawayama (Deluxe Edition)

4. Black Dresses - Forget Your Own Face

5. 100 gecs - 10000 gecs

6. Laura Les - i just dont wanna name it anything with "beach" in the title

7. 100 gecs - 1000 gecs

8. Bring Me the Horizon - Sempiternal (Deluxe Edition)

9. Linkin Park - Meteora

10. Linkin Park - A Thousand Suns

11. System of a Down - Toxicity

12. Radiohead - Kid A

13. Toby Fox - UNDERTALE Soundtrack

14. Linkin Park - Reanimation

15. My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade / Living with Ghosts (The 10th Anniversary Edition)

16. Radiohead - OK Computer

17. Against Me! - Transgender Dysphoria Blues

18. Linkin Park - Minutes to Midnight (Deluxe Version)

19. 100 gecs - 100 gecs

20. My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

21. Laura Les - hello kitty skates to the fuckin CEMETARY

22. Torres - Silver Tongue

23. Left At London - t.i.a.p.f.y.h.

24. Nirvana - Nevermind (Deluxe Edition)

25. food house, Gupi & Fraxiom - Food House

26. Chevelle - Wonder What's Next (Expanded Edition)

27. Tallah - Matriphagy

28. Breaking Benjamin - Dear Agony

29. Motionless in White - Creatures (Deluxe Edition)

30. Limp Bizkit - Significant Other (Explicit Version)

31. Limp Bizkit - Three Dollar Bill, Y'all $

32. Ada Rook - UGLY DEATH NO REDEMPTION ANGEL CURSE I LOVE YOU

33. Laura Jane Grace - Stay Alive

34. Jethro Tull - Aqualung

35. Fontaines D.C. - Skinty Fia

36. BACKxWASH - HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING

37. Bayside - Interrobang

38. Black Dresses - Forever In Your Heart

39. Three Days Grace - One-X

40. Sophie - Oil of Every Pearl's Un-Insides

41. 100 gecs - Snake Eyes

42. Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory EP

43. Kittie - Spit

44. BACKxWASH - I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES

45. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

46. Toby Fox - Deltarune Chapter 2 (Original Game Soundtrack)

47. Chongo - Mad Rat Monday

48. Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral

49. Motionless in White - Infamous (Deluxe Edition)

50. Indigo Girls - Indigo Girls (Expanded Edition)

51. Talking Heads - Remain In Light (Deluxe Version)

52. My Chemical Romance - I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love

53. Spineshank - The Height of Callousness [Special Edition]

54. The Used - The Used

55. Linkin Park - Live in Texas

56. Baroness - Yellow & Green

57. Death Grips - The Money Store

58. Nirvana - In Utero - 20th Anniversary Remaster

59. Hozier - Wasteland, Baby!

60. Radiohead - In Rainbows

61. Bring Me the Horizon - There Is a Hell, Believe Me I've Seen It. There Is a Heaven, Let's Keep It a Secret

62. Three Days Grace - Human

63. Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp a Butterfly

64. Limp Bizkit - The Unquestionable Truth (Pt. 1)

65. Kate Bush - Hounds of Love (2018 Remaster)

66. Bring Me the Horizon - POST HUMAN: SURVIVAL HORROR

67. Bring Me the Horizon - That's The Spirit

68. Go! Child - Coffee And Ramen

69. Limp Bizkit - Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water

70. We Are The Union - Ordinary Life

71. Chevelle - This Type of Thinking (Could Do Us In)

72. Evanescence - Fallen

73. The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds

74. Jamie Paige - Bittersweet

75. Hayley Williams - Petals For Armor

76. Nirvana - Bleach

77. For the Likes of You - Withered

78. Bring Me the Horizon - Suicide Season Cut Up!

79. Lena Raine - Celeste (Original Soundtrack)

80. Holy Grail - Ride The Void

81. Tenacious D - The Pick of Destiny

82. a-ha - Scoundrel Days

83. Demon Hunter - Storm the Gates of Hell

84. Black Flag - Damaged

85. Masakazu Sugimori - Phoenix Wright - Ace Attorney OST

86. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

87. Alexisonfire - Crisis

88. Various Artists - Queen of the Damned

89. Limp Bizkit - Still Sucks

90. Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill

91. Bob Dylan - Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits

92. Architects - Holy Hell

93. Laura Les - REMIXES 2017

94. Linkin Park - Living Things

95. brian david gilbert - songs with videos without videos

96. Frost Children - SPIRAL

97. Parkway Drive - Horizons

98. Limp Bizkit - Gold Cobra (Deluxe)

99. Various Artists - Phineas and Ferb

100. Vanilla Ice - Hard To Swallow

[apocryphalshakespeare]

The True Chronicle History of King Leir, and his

three daughters,

Gonorill, Ragan, & Cordella.

 As it hath been divers and sundry

times lately acted.

 LONDON,

Printed by Simon Stafford for John Wright, and are to be sold at his shop at Christ's Church door, next Newgate-Market.

 1605.

The original of Shakespeare's "King Lear".

Edited by Sidney Lee - 1909

Additional changes and editorial matter

by D. L. Overtoom - 2022

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:              Act I    Act II    Act III

KING LEIR,                                           220     145       212

King of Britain.

SKALLIGER,                                         56         0          0

PERILLUS,                                           82       94         75

GONORILL,                                         195      23          6

eldest daughter of King Leir,  

King of Cornwall,                                  58       23         10

husband of Gonorill.

Messenger/Murtherer,                        37     193          0

in the service of Gonorill.

RAGAN,                                                  96     142       44

second daughter of King Leir,

King of Cambria,                                    35       40         8

husband of Ragan.

CORDELLA,                                          90       70       74

youngest daughter of King Leir,  

King of Gallia,                                         87       59       83

husband of Cordella.

MUMFORD,                                           52       31       51

the Gallian king's attendant.

Ambassador from Gallia to Britain.       0       64         0

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:              Act I    Act II    Act III

Servant to the king of Cornwall.           3            3             0

Servant to the king of Cambria.            6            0             0

First Mariner.                                          0            0           13

Second Mariner.                                      0            0           11

First Watchman.                                      0            0           16

Second Watchman.                                0            0           18

First British Captain.                               0            0           17

Second British Captain.                         0            0             4

The mayor of Dover.                              0            0           10

 Nobles at King Leir's court (13); nobles of Gallia (2); attendants on the king of Cornwall; nobles of the prince of Cambria; Gallian soldiers; soldiers of Cornwall and Cambria.

 SCENE: Britain, Cambria, Cornwall, and Gallia.

 Act I = 1,032 lines @ 3.5 sec/per/line = 1hr. 2min.

Act II = 887 lines @ 3.5 sec/per/line = 52 min.

Act III = 652 lines @ 3.5 sec/per/line = 38 min.

+ 2 five min. intermissions = 10 min.

TOTAL RUN TIME = 2 hours 42 min.

KING LEIR

AND HIS THREE DAUGHTERS

 ACT I

 SCENE I. Presence chamber in King Leir's palace at Troynovant.

 Enter King Leir, Skalliger, Perillus,

and Nobles.

 Leir.

Thus to our grief the obsequies performed

Of our too late deceas'd and dearest queen,

Whose soul I hope, possess'd of heavenly joys,

Doth ride in triumph 'mongst the cherubins;  

Let us request your grave advice, my lords,  

For the disposing of our princely daughters,

For whom our care is specially employ'd,

As nature bindeth, to advance their states

In royal marriage with some princely mates:

For wanting now their mother's good advice,                  10

Under whose government they have received

A perfit pattern of a virtuous life:

Left as it were a ship without a stern,

Or silly sheep without a pastor's care;

Although ourselves do dearly tender them,      

Yet are we ignorant of their affairs:

For fathers best do know to govern sons;

But daughters' steps the mother's counsel turns.

A son we want for to succeed our crown,

And course of time hath cancelled the date                    20

Of further issue from our withered loins:

One foot already hangeth in the grave,

And age hath made deep furrows in my face:

The world of me, I of the world am weary,

And I would fain resign these earthly cares,                   25

And think upon the welfare of my soul:

Which by no better means may be effected,

Than by resigning up the crown from me,

In equal dowry to my daughters three.

Skalliger.

A worthy care, my liege, which well declares,                 30

The zeal you bare unto our quondam queen:

And since your grace hath licensed me to speak,

I counsel thus; your majesty knowing well,

What several suitors your princely daughters have,  

To make them each a jointure more or less,                   35

As is their worth, to them that love profess.

Leir.

No more, nor less, but even all alike,

My zeal is fix'd, all fashion'd in one mould:

Wherefore impartial shall my granting be,

Both old and young shall have alike from me. 40

1st Noble.

My gracious lord, I heartily do wish,

That God had lent you an heir indubitate,

Who might have sat upon your royal throne,

When fates should loose the prison of your life,

By whose succession all this doubt might cease;          45

And as by you, by him we might have peace.

2nd Noble.

But after-wishes ever come too late,

And nothing can revoke the course of fate:

Wherefore, my liege, my censure deems it best,

To match them with some of your neighbour kings,      50

Bordering within the bounds of Albion,

By whose united friendship, this our state

May be protected  'gainst all foreign hate.

Leir.

Herein, my lords, your wishes sort with mine,

And mine, I hope, do sort with heavenly powers:           55

For at this instant two near neighbouring kings,

Of Cornwall and of Cambria, motion love

To my two daughters, Gonorill and Ragan.

My youngest daughter, fair Cordella, vows

No linking to a monarch, unless love allows.                  60

She is solicited by divers peers;

But none of them her partial fancy hears.

Yet, if my policy may her beguile,

I'll match her to some king within this isle,

And so establish such a perfit peace,                               65

As Fortune's force shall ne'er prevail to cease.

Perillus.

Of us and ours, your gracious care, my lord,

Deserves an everlasting memory,

To be enroll'd in chronicles of fame,

By never-dying perpetuity:

Yet to become so provident a prince

Lose not the title of a loving father!

Do not force love, where fancy cannot dwell,

Lest streams, being stopp'd, above the banks do swell.

Leir.

I am resolv'd, and even now my mind                              75

Doth meditate a sudden stratagem,

To try which of my daughters loves me best:

Which till I know; I cannot be in rest.

Thus presently, they jointly shall contend,

Each to exceed the other in their love:                             80

Then at that vantage will I take Cordella,

E’en as she doth protest she loves me best,

I'll say, “then, daughter, grant me one request,

To show thou lovest me as thy sisters do,

Accept a husband, whom myself will woo.”                     85

This said, she cannot well deny my suit.

Although, poor soul, her senses will be mute:

Then will I triumph in my policy,

And match her with a king of Brittany!

[Exit Leir and Lords & Ladies.]

Skalliger.             [To audience as he exits.]

I'll to them before, and bewray your secrecy.                  90

Perillus.                [To audience.]

Thus fathers think their children to beguile,

And oftentimes themselves do first repent,

When heavenly powers do frustrate their intent.

 [Exit Perillus.]

     ACT I. SCENE II. A room in King Leir's palace.

Enter Gonorill and Ragan.

Gonorill.

I marvel, Ragan, how you can endure

To see that proud pert peat, our youngest sister,

So slightly to account of us, her elders,

As if we were no better than herself!

We cannot have a quaint device so soon,                       5

Or new-made fashion, of our choice invention;

But if she like it, she will have the same,

Or study newer to exceed us both.

Besides, she is so nice and so demure;

So sober, courteous, modest, and precise,                     10

That all the court hath work enough to do,

To talk how she exceedeth me and you.

Ragan.

What should I do? would it were in my power,

To find a cure for this contagious ill:

Some desperate medicine must be soon applied,         15

To dim the glory of her mounting fame;

Else ere't be long, she'll have both prick and praise,

And we must be set by for working days.

Do you not see what several choice of suitors

She daily hath, and of the best degree?                          20

Say, amongst all, she hap to fancy one,

And have a husband whenas we have none:

Why then, by right, to her we must give place,

Though it be ne'er so much to our disgrace.

Gonorill.

By my virginity, rather than she

Shall have a husband before me,

I'll marry one or other in his shirt:

And yet I have made half a grant already

Of my good will unto the king of Cornwall.

Ragan.

Swear not so deeply, sister, here cometh my Lord

                                                                            Skalliger.    

Something his hasty coming doth import.

 Enter Skalliger.

 Skalliger.

                                               Sweet princesses,

I’m glad I met you here so luckily,

Having good news which doth concern you both,

And craveth speedy expedition.

Ragan.

For God's sake tell us what it is, my lord,                        35

I am with child until you utter it.

Skalliger.

Madam, to save your longing, this it is:

Your father in great secrecy today

Told me, he means to marry you out of hand

Unto the noble prince of Cambria!

[Turning to Gonorill.]                                  

You, madam, to the king of Cornwall's grace!

Your younger sister he would fain bestow

Upon the rich king of Hibernia:

But that he doubts, she hardly will consent;

For hitherto she ne'er could fancy him.                            45

If she do yield, why then, between you three,

He will divide his kingdom for your dowries.

But yet there is a further mystery,

Which, so you will conceal, I will disclose.

Gonorill.

Whate'er thou speak'st to us, kind Skalliger,                  50

Think that thou speak 'st it only to thyself.

Skalliger.

He earnestly desireth for to know,

Which of you three do bear most love to him,

And on your loves he so extremely dotes,

As never any did, I think, before.                                       55

He presently doth mean to send for you,

To be resolv'd of this tormenting doubt:

And look, whose answer pleaseth him the best,  

They shall have most unto their marriages.

Ragan.

O that I had some pleasing mermaid's voice,  60

For to enchant his senseless senses with!

Skalliger.

For he supposeth that Cordella will,

Striving to go beyond you in her love,

Promise to do whatever he desires:

Then will he straight enjoin her for his sake,                   65

The Hibernian king in marriage for to take.

This is the sum of all I have to say;

Which being done, I humbly take my leave,

Not doubting but your wisdoms will foresee

What course will best unto your good agree.                  70

Gonorill.

Thanks, gentle Skalliger, thy kindness undeserved

Shall not be unrequited, if we live.

 [Exit Skalliger.

 Ragan.

Now have we fit occasion offer'd us,

To be revenged upon her unperceived.

Gonorill.

Nay, our revenge we will inflict on her                              75

Shall be accounted piety in us:

I will so flatter with my doting father,

As he was ne'er so flatter'd in his life.

Nay, I will say, that if it be his pleasure,

To match me to a beggar, I will yield:                              80

For why, I know whatever I do say,

He means to match me with the Cornwall king.

Ragan.

I'll say the like: for I am well assured,

Whate'er I say to please the old man's mind,

Who dotes, as if he were a child again,                           85

I shall enjoy the noble Cambrian prince:

Only, to feed his humour, will suffice,

To say, I am content with any one

Whom he'll appoint me; this will please him more

Than e'er Apollo's music pleased Jove.                           90

Gonorill.

I smile to think, in what a woeful plight

Cordella will be, when we answer thus:

For she will rather die, than give consent

To join in marriage with the Irish king:

So will our father think, she loves him not,                      95

Because she will not grant to his desire.

Which we will aggravate in such bitter terms,

That he will soon convert his love to hate:

For he, you know, is always in extremes.

Ragan.

Not all the world could lay a better plot,                   100

I long till it be put in practice.

 [Exeunt.

 ACT I.  SCENE III. Presence chamber in King Leir's palace.

 Enter Leir and Perillus.

 Leir.

Perillus, go and seek my daughters three,

Will them immediately come speak with me.

Perillus.

I will, my gracious lord.

[Exit.

Leir.

Oh, what a combat feels my panting heart,  

'Twixt children's love, and care of commonweal!           5

How dear my daughters are unto my soul, none knows, But He, that knows my thoughts and secret deeds.

Ah, little do they know the dear regard,

Wherein I hold their future state to come:

When they securely sleep on beds of down,                   10

These aged eyes do watch for their behalf:

While they, like wantons, sport in youthful toys,

This throbbing heart is pierced with dire annoys.

As doth the sun exceed the smallest star,  

So much the father's love exceeds the child's.               15

Yet my complaints are causeless: for the world

Affords not children more conformable:

And yet, methinks, my mind presageth still

I know not what; and yet I fear some ill.

 Enter Perillus with the three daughters.

 Well, here my daughters come: I have found out           20

A present means to rid me of this doubt.

Gonorill.

Our royal lord and father, in all duty,

We come to know the tenor of your will,

Why you so hastily have sent for us.

Leir.

Dear Gonorill, kind Ragan, sweet Cordella,                   25

Ye flourishing branches of a kingly stock,

Sprung from a tree that once did flourish green,

Whose blossoms now are nipp'd with winter's frost,

And pale grim death doth wait upon my steps,

And summons me unto his next assizes.                        30

Therefore, dear daughters, as ye tender the safety

Of him that was the cause of your first being,

Resolve a doubt which much molests my mind,

Which of you three to me would prove most kind;

Which loves me most, and which at my request            35

Will soonest yield unto their father's hest.

Gonorill.

I hope, my gracious father makes no doubt

Of any of his daughters' love to him:

Yet for my part, to show my zeal to you,

Which cannot be in windy words rehears'd,                    40

I prize my love to you at such a rate,

I think my life inferior to my love.

Should you enjoin me for to tie a millstone

About my neck, and leap into the sea,

At your command I willingly would do it:                          45

Yea, for to do you good, I would ascend

The highest turret in all Brittany,

And from the top leap headlong to the ground:  

Nay, more; should you appoint me for to marry'

The meanest vassal in the spacious world,                     50

Without reply I would accomplish it:

In brief, command whatever you desire,

And if I fail, no favor I require.

Leir.

O, how thy words revive my dying soul!  

Cordella.                              [Aside.]

O, how I do abhor this flattery!                                           55

Leir.

But what says Ragan to her father's will?

Ragan.

O, that my simple utterance could suffice,

To tell the true intention of my heart,

Which burns in zeal of duty to your grace,

And never can be quench'd, but by desire                      60

To show the same in outward forwardness.

Oh, that there were some other maid that durst

But make a challenge of her love with me;

I'd make her soon confess she never loved

Her father half so well as I do you.                                   65

Ay, then my deeds should prove in plainer case,

How much my zeal aboundeth to your grace:

But for them all, let this one mean suffice.

To ratify my love before your eyes:

I have right noble suitors to my love,                                70

No worse than kings, and haply I love one:

Yet, would you have me make my choice anew,

I'd bridle fancy, and be rul'd by you.

Leir.

Did never Philomel sing so sweet a note.

Cordella.                               [Aside.]

Did never flatterer tell so false a tale.                               75

Leir.

Speak now, Cordella, make my joys at full,

And drop down nectar from thy honey lips.

Cordella.

I cannot paint my duty forth in words,

I hope my deeds shall make report for me:

But look what love the child doth owe the father,           80

The same to you I bear, my gracious lord.

Gonorill.

Here is an answer answerless indeed:

Were you my daughter, I should scarcely brook it.

Ragan.

Dost thou not blush, proud peacock as thou art,

To make our father such a slight reply?                          85

Leir.

Why how now, minion, are you grown so proud?

Doth our dear love make you peremptory?

What, is your love become so small to us,

As that you scorn to tell us what it is?

Do you love us, as every child doth love                         90

Their father? True indeed, as some, who by Disobedience short their father's days,

And so would you; some are so father-sick,

That they make means to rid them from the world;

And so would you: some are indifferent,                          95

Whether their aged parents live or die;

And so are you. But, did'st thou know, proud girl,

What care I had to foster thee to this,

Ah, then thou would'st say as thy sisters do:

Our life is less, than love we owe to you.                    100

Cordella.

Dear father, do not so mistake my words,

Nor my plain meaning be misconstru'd;

My tongue was never us'd to flattery.

Gonorill.

You were not best say I flatter: if you do,

My deeds shall show, I flatter not with you.                105

I love my father better than thou canst.

Cordella.

The praise were great, spoke from another's mouth:

But it should seem your neighbors dwell far off.

Ragan.

Nay, here is one, that will confirm as much

As she hath said, both for myself and her.  

I say, thou dost not wish my father's good.

[Cordella runs to Leir.]

Cordella.

Dear father ---

[Leir pushes her to the floor.]

Leir.

Peace, bastard imp, no issue of King Leir,

I will not hear thee speak one tittle more,  

Call not me father, if thou love thy life,                     115

Nor these thy sisters once presume to name:

Look for no help henceforth from me nor mine;

Shift as thou wilt, and trust unto thyself:

My kingdom will I equally divide

'Twixt thy two sisters to their royal dower,               120

And will bestow them worthy their deserts:

This done, because thou shalt not have the hope

To have a child's part in the time to come,

I presently will dispossess myself

And set up these upon my princely throne.             125

Gonorill.

I ever thought that pride would have a fall.

Ragan.

Plain dealing, sister: your beauty is so sheen,

You need no dowry to make you a queen.

[Exeunt Leir, Gonorill, Ragan.

 Cordella.

Now whither, poor forsaken, shall I go,

When mine own sisters triumph in my woe?           130

[She kneels and raises her arms to heaven.]

But unto Him which doth protect the just,

In Him will poor Cordella put her trust.

These hands shall labor, for to get my spending;

And so I'll live until my days have ending.

[Exit Cordella.]

 Perillus.

Oh how I grieve, to see my lord thus fond,              135

To dote so much upon vain flattering words,

Ah, if he but with good advice had weighed,

The hidden tenour of her humble speech,

Reason to rage should not have given place,         139

Nor poor Cordella suffer such disgrace.

 [Exit Perillus.]

  ACT II. SCENE I. The palace of the Gallian king.

 Enter the Gallian king with Mumford, and three nobles more.

 King of Gallia.

Dissuade me not, my lords, I am resolv'd,

This next fair wind to sail for Brittany,

In some disguise, to see if flying fame

Be not too prodigal in the wondrous praise

Of these three nymphs, the daughters of King Leir.      5

If present view do answer absent praise,

And eyes allow of what our ears have heard,

And Venus stand auspicious to my vows,

And fortune favor what I take in hand;

I will return seized of as rich a prize                                 10

As Jason, when he won the golden fleece.

Mumford.

Heavens grant you may: the match were full of honor,

And well beseeming the young Gallian king.

I would your grace would favor me so much,

As make me partner of your pilgrimage.                          15

I long to see the gallant British dames,

And feed mine eyes upon their rare perfections:

For till I know the contrary, I'll say,

Our dames in France are far more fair than they.

King of Gallia.

Lord Mumford, you have saved me a labor,                    20

In offering that which I did mean to ask:

And I most willingly accept your company.

Yet first I will enjoin you to observe

Some few conditions which I shall propose.

Mumford.

So that you do not tie mine eyes for looking                   25

After the amorous glances of fair dames:

So that you do not tie my tongue from speaking,

My lips from kissing, when occasion serves,

My hands from congees, and my knees to bow

To gallant girls; which were a task more hard,               30

Than flesh and blood is able to endure:

Command what else you please, I rest content.

King of Gallia.

To bind thee from a thing thou canst not leave,

Were but a mean to make thee seek it more:

And therefore speak, look, kiss, salute for me;               35

In these myself am like to second thee.

Now hear thy task. I charge thee from the time

That first we set sail for the British shore,

To use no words of dignity to me,

But in the friendliest manner that thou canst,                  40

Make use of me as thy companion:

For we will go disguis'd in palmers' weeds,

That no man shall mistrust us what we are.

Mumford.

If that be all, I'll fit your turn, I warrant you. I am some kin to the Blunts, and, I think, the bluntest of all my kindred; therefore if I be too blunt with you, thank yourself for

praying me to be so.  

King of Gallia.

Thy pleasant company will make the way seem short.

[To the other lords.]

It resteth now, that in my absence hence,

I do commit the government to you,                                 50

My trusty lords and faithful counsellors.

Time cutteth off the rest I have to say:

The wind blows fair, and I must needs away.

Gallian Nobles.

Heavens send your voyage to as good effect,                54

As we your land do purpose to protect.

 [Exeunt.

 ACT II. SCENE II. The road to King Leir's palace at Troynovant

 Enter the king of Cornwall and his man booted and spurred, a riding wand and a letter in his hand.

 Cornwall.

But how far distant are we from the court?

Cornwall’s Servant.

Some twenty miles, my lord, or thereabouts.

Cornwall.

It seemeth to me twenty thousand miles:

Yet hope I to be there within this hour.

Cornwall’s Servant.                          [To audience.].

Then are you like to ride alone!  For me,                         5

I think my lord is weary of his life.

Cornwall.

Sweet Gonorill, I long to see thy face,

Which hast so kindly gratified my love.

 Enter the king of Cambria and his man, booted and spurred, with

a wand and a letter.

 Cambria.

Get a fresh horse: for by my soul I swear,

 He looks on the letter.

 I am past patience longer to forbear                                 10

The wished sight of my beloved mistress,

Dear Ragan, stay and comfort of my life.

Cambria’s Servant.                          [To audience.]

Now what in God's name doth my lord intend?

He thinks he ne'er shall come at's journey's end.

I would he had old Daedalus' waxen wings,

That he might fly, so I might stay behind:

For ere we get to Troynovant, I see,

He quite will tire himself, his horse, and me.

 Cornwall and Cambria look one upon another, and start to see each other there.

 Cornwall.

Brother of Cambria, we greet you well,

As one whom here we little did expect.                            20

Cambria.

Brother of Cornwall, met in happy time:

I thought as much t’ have met with the Sultan of Persia,

As to have met you in this place, my lord.

No doubt, it is about some great affairs,

That makes you here so slenderly accompanied.         25

Cornwall.

To say the truth, my lord, it is no less,

And for your part some hasty wind of chance

Hath blown you hither thus upon the sudden.

Cambria.

My lord, to break off further circumstances,

For at this time I cannot brook delays:                            30

Tell you your reason, I will tell you mine.

Cornwall.

In faith, content, and therefore to be brief;

For I am sure my haste's as great as yours:

I am sent for, to come unto King Leir,

 [Cornwall takes out his letter.]

 Who by these present letters promiseth                          35

His eldest daughter, lovely Gonorill,

To me in marriage, and for present dowry,

The moiety or half his regiment.

The lady's love I long ago possess'd:

But until now I never had the father's.                              40

Cambria.

You tell me wonders, yet I will relate

Strange news, and henceforth we must brothers call;

 [Cambria takes out his letter.]

 Witness these lines: his honourable age,

Being weary of the troubles of his crown,

His princely daughter Ragan will bestow                         45

On me in marriage, with half his seignories,

Whom I would gladly have accepted of,

With the third part, her complements are such.

Cornwall.

If I have one half, and you have the other,

Then between us we must needs have the whole.        50

Cambria.

The hole! how mean you that? 'sblood, I hope,

We shall have two holes between us.

[They both laugh like whore-hounds.]

Cornwall.

Why, the whole kingdom.

Cambria.

                                               Ay, that's very true.

Cornwall.

What then is left for his third daughter's dowry,              55

Lovely Cordella, whom the world admires?

Cambria.

'Tis very strange, I know not what to think,

Unless they mean to make a nun of her.

Cornwall.

'Twere pity such rare beauty should be hid

Within the compass of a cloister's wall:                            60

But howsoe'er, if Leir's words prove true,

It will be good, my lord, for me and you.

Cambria.

Then let us haste, all danger to prevent,

For fear delays do alter his intent.

  [Exeunt.

  Act II. SCENE III. A room in King Leir's palace.

 Enter Gonoril and Ragan.

 Gonorill.

Sister, when did you see Cordella last,

That pretty piece, that thinks none good enough

To speak to her, because, sir-reverence,

She hath a little beauty extraordinary?

Ragan.

Since time my father warn'd her from his presence,      5

I never saw her, that I can remember.

God give her joy of her surpassing beauty;

I think, her dowry will be small enough.

Gonorill.

I have incens'd my father so against her,

As he will never be reclaimed again.                                10

Ragan.

I was not much behind to do the like.

Gonorill.

Faith, sister, what moves you to bear her such good

                                                                               will?

Ragan.

In truth, I think, the same that moveth you;

Because she doth surpass us both in beauty.

Gonorill.

Beshrew your fingers, how right you can guess:            15

I tell you true, it cuts me to the heart.

Ragan.

But we will keep her low enough, I warrant,

And clip her wings for mounting up too high.

Gonorill.

Who ever hath, her, shall have a rich marriage of her.

Ragan.

She were right fit to make a parson's wife:                      20

For they, men say, do love fair women well,

And many times do marry them with nothing.  

Gonorill.               [Appallingly astounded.]

With nothing! marry, God forbid!  No Thing?

Why, are there any such?

Ragan.                  [Incredulously explaining.]

                                               I mean, no money.

Gonorill.               [Sheepishly embarrassed.]

I cry you mercy, I mistook you much ---                           25

[Back to running down Cordella.]

And she is far too stately for the church;

She'll lay her husband's benefice on her back,

Even in one gown, if she may have her will.

Ragan.

In faith, poor soul, I pity her a little.

Would she were less fair, or more fortunate.                  30

Oh well … I think

‘Twill not be long until I see my Morgan,

The gallant prince of Cambria, here arrive.

Gonorill.

And so do I, until the Cornwall king

Present himself, to consummate my joys.

Peace, here cometh my father.                                         35

 Enter Leir, Perillus, Skalliger, and others.

 Leir.

Cease, good my lords, and sue not to reverse

Our censure, which is now irrevocable.

We have dispatched letters of contract

Unto the kings of Cambria and Cornwall;

Our hand and seal will justify no less:                              40

Then do not so dishonor me, my lords,

As to make shipwreck of our kingly word.

I am as kind as is the pelican,

That kills itself, to save her young ones' lives:

And yet as jealous as the princely eagle,                        45

That kills her young ones, if they do but dazzle

Upon the radiant splendor of the sun.

Within this two days I expect their coming.

Enter kings of Cornwall and Cambria.

 But in good time, they are arriv'd already!

This haste of yours, my lords, doth testify                       50

The fervent love you bear unto my daughters:

And think yourselves as welcome to King Leir,

As ever Priam’s children were to him.  

Cornwall.

My gracious lord, and father too, I hope,

Pardon, for that I made no greater haste:                        55

But were my horse as swift as were my will,

I long ere this had seen your majesty.

Cambria.

No other 'scuse of absence can I frame,

Than what my brother hath inform'd your grace:

For our undeserved welcome, we do vow,                      60

Perpetually to rest at your command.

Cornwall.

But you, sweet love, illustrious Gonorill,

The regent, and the sovereign of my soul,

Is Cornwall welcome to your excellency?

Gonorill.

As welcome, as Leander was to Hero,                             65

Or brave Aeneas to the Carthage queen:

So, and more welcome is your grace to me.

Cambria.

Oh, may my fortune prove no worse than his,

Since heavens do know, my fancy is as much.

Dear Ragan, say, if welcome unto thee;                         70

All welcomes else will little comfort me.

Ragan.

As gold is welcome to the covetous eye,

As sleep is welcome to the traveler,

As is fresh water to sea-beaten men,

Or moist'ned showers unto the parched ground,           75

Or anything more welcomer than this,

So, and more welcome lovely Morgan is.

Leir.

What resteth then, but that we consummate

The celebration of these nuptial rites?

My kingdom I do equally divide.                                        80

Princes, draw lots, and take your chance as falls.

 Then they draw lots.

 These I resign as freely unto you,

As erst by true succession they were mine.

And here I freely dispossess myself,

And make you two my true adopted heirs!                     85

Myself will sojourn with my son of Cornwall,

And take me to my prayers and my beads.

I know my daughter Ragan will be sorry,

Because I do not spend my days with her:

Would I were able to be with both at once;                     90

They are the kindest girls in Christendom.

Perillus.

I have been silent all this while, my lord,

To see if any worthier than myself,  

Would once have spoke in poor Cordella's cause:  

But love or fear ties silence to their tongues.                  95

Oh, hear me speak for her, my gracious lord,

Whose deeds have not deserv'd this ruthless doom,

As thus to disinherit her of all.

Leir.                       [Quietly enraged.]

Urge this no more, and if thou love thy life:

I say she is no daughter that doth scorn                  100

To tell her father how she loveth him.

Whoe’er speaketh hereof to me again,

I will esteem him for my mortal foe.  

[Happy again.]

Come, let us in, to celebrate with joy,

The happy nuptials of these lovely pairs.                105

 [Exeunt omnes, manet Perillus.

 Perillus.

Ah, who so blind? as they that will not see

The near approach of their own misery?

Poor lady, I extremely pity her:

And whilst I live, each drop of my heart blood         109

Will I strain forth, to do her any good.

Exit.

 Act II. SCENE IV. The open country in Britain.

 Enter the Gallian king, and Mumford, disguised like pilgrims.

 Mumford.

My lord, how do you brook this British air?

King of Gallia.

“My lord?” I told you of this foolish humor,

And bound you to the contrary, you know.

Mumford.

Pardon me for once, my lord; I did forget.

King of Gallia.

“My lord” again? then let's have nothing else,           5

And so be ta'en for spies, and then 'tis well.

Mumford.

'Swounds, I could bite my tongue in two for anger:

For God's sake name yourself some proper name.

King of Gallia.

Call me Tresillus: I'll call thee Denapoll.

Mumford.

Might I be made the monarch of the world,                     10

I could not hit upon these names, I swear.

King of Gallia.

Then call me Will, I'll call thee Jack.

Mumford.

                                                               Well, be it so,

For I have well deserv'd to be called Jack.

King of Gallia.

Stand close; for here a British lady cometh:

 [They hide.]   Enter Cordella.

 A fairer creature ne'er mine eyes beheld.                        15

Cordella.

This is a day of joy unto my sisters,

Wherein they both are married unto kings;

And I, by birth, as worthy as themselves,

Am turn'd into the world, to seek my fortune.

How may I blame the fickle queen of chance;                20

That maketh me a pattern of her power?

Ah, poor weak maid, whose imbecility

Is far unable to endure these brunts.

Oh, father Leir, how dost thou wrong thy child,

Who always was obedient to thy will!                              25

But why accuse I Fortune and my father?  

No, no, it is the pleasure of my God;  

And I do willingly embrace the rod.

King of Gallia.

It is no goddess; for she doth complain

On Fortune, and th’ unkindness of her father.                30

Cordella.

These costly robes ill fitting my estate,

I will exchange for other meaner habit.

Mumford.

Now if I had a kingdom in my hands,

I would exchange it for a milkmaid's smock and petticoat,

That she and I might shift our clothes together.             35

Cordella.

I will betake me to my thread and needle,

And earn my living with my fingers' ends.

Mumford.

O brave! God willing, thou shalt have my business.

By sweet St. Denis; yes, here I sadly swear,

For all the shirts and night-gear that I wear.                    40

Cordella.

I will profess and vow a maiden's life.

Mumford.

Then I protest thou shalt not have my business!

King of Gallia.

I can forbear no longer for to speak:

For if I do, I think my heart will break.

Mumford.

'Sblood, Will, I hope you are not in love with my

                                                               seamstress.         45

King of Gallia.

I am in such a labyrinth of love,  

As that I know not which way to get out.  

Mumford.

You'll ne'er get out, unless you first get in.

King of Gallia.

I prithee, Jack, cross not my passions.

Mumford.

Prithee, Will, to her, and try her patience.

[The King and Mumford step forward.]

 King of Gallia.

Thou fairest creature, whatsoe'er thou art,

That ever any mortal eyes beheld,

Vouchsafe to me, who have o'erheard thy woes,

To show the cause of these thy sad laments.

Cordella.

Ah pilgrims, what avails to show the cause,                    55

When there's no means to find a remedy?

King of Gallia.

To utter grief doth ease a heart o'ercharg'd.

Cordella.

To touch a sore, doth aggravate the pain.

King of Gallia.

The silly mouse, by virtue of her teeth,

Releas'd the princely lion from the net.                            60

Cordella.

Kind palmer, which so much desir'st to hear

The tragic tale of my unhappy youth:

Know this in brief, I am the hapless daughter

Of Leir, the sometime king of Brittany.

King of Gallia.

Why, who debars his honorable age,  

From being still the king of Brittany?  

Cordella.

None, but himself hath dispossess'd himself,  

And given all his kingdom to the kings

Of Cornwall and of Cambria, with my sisters.

King of Gallia.

Hath he given nothing to your lovely self?                       70

Cordella.

He lov'd me not, and therefore gave me nothing,

Only because I could not flatter him:

And in this day of triumph to my sisters,

Doth Fortune triumph in my overthrow.

King of Gallia.

Sweet lady, say that there should come a king,          75

As good as either of your sisters' husbands,

To crave your love, would you accept of him?

Cordella.

Oh, do not mock with those in misery,

Nor do not think, though Fortune have the power,

To spoil mine honor, and debase my state,                    80

That she hath any interest in my mind:

For if the greatest monarch on the earth,

Should sue to me in this extremity,  

Except my heart could love, and heart could like,  

Better than any yet I ever saw,                                          85

His great estate no more should move my mind,

Than mountains move by blast of every wind.

King of Gallia.

Think not, sweet nymph, 'tis holy palmers' guise,

To grieved souls fresh torments to devise:

Therefore in witness of my true intent,                             90

Let heaven and earth bear record of my words:

There is a young and lusty Gallian king,

So like to me, as I am to myself,

That earnestly doth crave to have thy love,

And join with thee in Hymen's sacred bonds.                 95

Cordella.

The like to thee did ne'er these eyes behold!

Oh, live to add new torments to my grief!

Why did'st thou thus entrap me unawares?

Ah, palmer, my estate doth not befit

A kingly marriage, as the case now stands.              100

Whilom whenas I liv'd in honor’s height,

A prince perhaps might postulate my love:

Now misery, dishonor, and disgrace,

Hath light on me, and quite revers'd the case.

Thy king will hold thee wise, if thou surcease            105

The suit, whereas no dowry will ensue.

Then be advised, palmer, what to do:

Cease for thy king, seek for thyself to woo.

King of Gallia.

Your birth's too high for any but a king.

Cordella.

My mind is low enough to love a palmer,                110

Rather than any king upon the earth.  

King of Gallia.

O, but you never can endure their life,

Which is so straight and full of penury.  

Cordella.

O yes, I can, and happy if I might:

I'll hold thy palmer's staff within my hand,                115

And think it is the scepter of a queen.

Sometime I'll set thy bonnet on my head,

And think I wear a rich imperial crown.

Sometime I'll help thee in thy holy prayers,

And think I am with thee in paradise.                        120

Thus I'll mock Fortune, as she mocketh me,

And never will my lovely choice repent:

For, having thee, I shall have all content.

King of Gallia.                     [Aside.]

'Twere sin to hold her longer in suspense,

Since that my soul hath vow'd she shall be mine.      125

[To Cordella.]

Ah, dear Cordella, cordial to my heart,

I am no palmer, as I seem to be,

But hither come in this unknown disguise,

To view th' admired beauty of those eyes.

I am the king of Gallia, gentle maid,                           130

Although thus slenderly accompanied,

And yet thy vassal by imperious love,

[He kneels.]

And sworn to serve thee everlastingly.

Cordella.

Whate'er you be, of high or low descent,

All's one to me, I do request but this:                         135

That as I am, you will accept of me,

And I will have you whatsoe'er you be:

Yet well I know, you come of royal race,

I see such sparks of honor in your face.

[They kiss.]

Mumford.

Have palmers' weeds such power to win fair ladies?

Faith, then I hope the next that falls is mine:              141

Upon condition I no worse might speed,

I would forever wear a palmer's weed.

I like an honest and plain dealing wench,

That swears, without exceptions, “I’ll have you.”       145

These poppets, that know not whether to love a man or no, except they first go ask their mother's leave, by this hand, I hate them ten times worse than poison.

King of Gallia.

What resteth then our happiness to procure?

Mumford.

Faith, go to church, to make the matter sure.            150

King of Gallia.

It shall be so, because the world shall say,

King Leir's three daughters were wedded in one day:

The celebration of this happy chance,

We will defer, until we come to France.

[Exit Gallia and Cordella hand-in-hand.]

Mumford.             [To audience.]

I like the wooing that's not long a-doing.                   155

Well, for her sake, I know what I know: I'll never

marry whilst I live, except I have one of these British ladies, my humor is alienated from the maids of France!

[Exit Mumford.]

ACT III. SCENE I. A road leading to Cornwall.

 Enter Perillus solus.

 Perillus.

The king hath dispossessed himself of all,  

Those to advance, who scarce will give him thanks:

His youngest daughter he hath turn'd away,

And no man knows what is become of her.

He sojourns now in Cornwall with the eldest,                 5

Who flatter'd him, until she did obtain

That at his hands, which now she doth possess:

And now she sees he hath no more to give,

It grieves her heart to see her father live.

Oh, whom should man trust in this wicked age,  

When children thus against their parents rage?

But he, the mirror of mild patience,

Puts up all wrongs, and never gives reply:

Yet shames she not in most opprobrious sort

To call him fool and dotard to his face,                            15

And sets her parasites of purpose oft

In scoffing wise to offer him disgrace.

Oh iron age! O times! O monstrous, vild,

When parents are contemned of the child!

His pension she hath half restrain'd from him,                20

And will, ere long, the other half, I fear;

For she thinks nothing is bestowed in vain,

But that which doth her father's life maintain.

Trust not alliance; but trust strangers rather,

Since daughters prove disloyal to the father.                  25

Well, I will counsel him the best I can:

Would I were able to redress his wrong,

Yet what I can, unto my utmost power,

He shall be sure of to the latest hour.

[Exit.

ACT III. SCENE II. A room in the royal palace of Cornwall.

 Enter Gonorill and Skalliger.

 Gonorill.

I prithee, Skalliger, tell me what thou think'st:

Could any woman of our dignity

Endure such quips and peremptory taunts,

As I do daily from my doting father?

Doth't not suffice that I him keep of alms,                        5

Who is not able for to keep himself?

But as if he were our better, he should think

To check and snap me up at every word.

I cannot make me a new fashion'd gown,

And set it forth with more than common cost;                 10

But his old doting doltish wither'd wit,

Is sure to give a senseless check for it.

I cannot make a banquet extraordinary,

To grace myself, and spread my name abroad,

But he, old fool, is captious by and by,                             15

And saith, the cost would well suffice for twice.

Judge then, I pray, what reason is't, that I

Should stand alone charg'd with his vain expense.

And that my sister Ragan should go free,

To whom he gave as much as unto me?                         20

I prithee, Skalliger, tell me, if thou know,

By any means to rid me of this woe.

Skalliger.

Your many favors still bestow'd on me,

Bind me in duty to advise your grace,

How you may soonest remedy this ill.                              25

The large allowance which he hath from you,

Is that which makes him so forget himself:

Therefore abridge it half, and you shall see,

That having less, he will more thankful be:

For why?  Abundance maketh us forget                          30

The fountains whence the benefits do spring.

Gonorill.

Well, Skalliger, for thy kind advice herein,

I will not be ungrateful, if I live:

I have restrained half his portion already,

And I will presently restrain the other,                              35

That having no means to relieve himself,

He may go seek elsewhere for better help.

[Exit Gonorill.

 Skalliger.

Go, viperous woman, shame to all thy sex:

The heavens, no doubt, will punish thee for this;

And me, a villain, that to curry favor,                               40

Have given the daughter counsel 'gainst the father.

But us the world doth this experience give,

That he that cannot flatter cannot live.

 [Exit Skalliger.

 ACT III.  SCENE III. A hall in the royal palace of Cornwall.

 Enter king of Cornwall, Leir, Perillus,

and nobles.

 Cornwall.

Father what aileth you to be so sad?

Methinks, you frolic not as you were wont.

Leir.

The nearer we do grow unto our graves,

The less we do delight in worldly joys.

Cornwall.

But if a man can frame himself to mirth,                          5

It is a mean for to prolong his life.

Leir.

Then welcome sorrow, Leir's only friend,

Who doth desire his troubled days had end.

Cornwall.

Comfort yourself, Father, here comes your daughter,

Who much will grieve, I know, to see you sad.               10

Enter Gonorill.

Leir.

But more doth grieve, I fear, to see me live.

Cornwall.

My Gonorill, you come in wished time,

To put your father from these pensive dumps.

In faith, I fear that all things go not well.

Gonorill.

What, do you fear, that I have anger'd him?                   15

Hath he complained of me unto my lord?

I'll provide him a piece of bread and cheese;

For in a time he'll practise nothing else,

Than carry tales from one unto another.

'Tis all his practice for to kindle strife,                               20

'Twixt you, my lord, and me your loving wife:

But I will take an order, if I can,

To cease th' effect, where first the cause began.

Cornwall.

Sweet, be not angry in a partial cause,

He ne'er complain'd of thee in all his life.                         25

Father, you must not weigh a woman's words.

Leir.

Alas, not I: poor soul, she breeds young bones,

And that is it makes her so touchy sure.

Gonorill.

What, breeds young bones already! you will make

An honest woman of me then, belike.                              30

O vile old wretch! who ever heard the like,

That seeketh thus his own child to defame?

Cornwall.

I cannot stay to hear this discord sound.

 [Exit Cornwall.

 Gonorill.

For any one that loves your company,

You may go pack, and seek some other place, 35

To sow the seed of discord and disgrace.

[Exit Gonorill.

 Leir.

Thus, say or do the best that e'er I can,

'Tis wrested straight into another sense:

This punishment my heavy sins deserve,

And more than this ten thousand thousand times:         40

Else aged Leir his girls could never find

Cruel to him, to whom he hath been kind.

Why do I overlive myself, to see

The course of nature quite reversed in me?

[He weeps.]

 Ah, gentle Death, if ever any wight                                   45

Did wish thy presence with a perfect zeal:

Then come, I pray thee, e’en with all my heart,

And end my sorrows with thy fatal dart.

 Perillus.

Ah, do not so disconsolate yourself,

Nor dew your aged cheeks with wasting tears.              50

Leir.

What man art thou? that takest any pity

Upon the worthless state of useless Leir?

Perillus.

One who doth bear as great a share of grief,

As if it were my dearest father's case.

Leir.

Ah, good my friend, how ill art thou advis' d,                   55

For to consort with miserable men:

Go learn to flatter, where thou may'st in time

Get favor 'mongst the mighty, and so climb:

For now I am so poor and full of want,

As that I ne'er can recompense thy love.                         60

Perillus.

What's got by flattery, doth not long endure;

And men in favor live not most secure.

My conscience tells me, if I should forsake you,

I were the hatefull'st excrement on the earth:

Which well do know, in course of former time,               65

How good my lord hath been to me and mine.

Leir.

Did I ere raise thee higher than the rest

Of all thy ancestors which were before?

Perillus.

I ne'er did seek it; but by your good grace,

I still enjoyed my own with quietness.

Leir.

Did I ere give thee living, to increase

The due revenues which thy father left?

Perillus.

I had enough, my lord, and having that,

What should you need to give me any more?

Leir.                       [Anguishly mocking.]

Oh, did I ever dispossess myself,                                    75

And give thee half my kingdom in good will?

Perillus.

Alas, my lord, there were no reason, why

You should have such a thought, to give it me.

Leir.                       [Explosively reasoning.]  

Nay, if thou talk of reason, then be mute;

For with good reason I can thee confute.                        80

If they, which first by Nature's sacred law

Do owe to me the tribute of their lives;

If they to whom I always have been kind,

And bountiful beyond comparison;

If they, for whom I have undone myself,                          85

And brought my age unto this extreme want,

Do now reject, contemn, despise, abhor me,

What reason moveth thee to sorrow for me?

Perillus.

Where reason fails, let tears confirm my love,

And speak how much your passions do me move.        90

Ah, good my lord, condemn not all for one:

You have two daughters left, to whom I know

You shall be welcome, if you please to go.  

Leir.                                       [Ashamedly admitting.]

Oh, how thy words add sorrow to my soul,

To think of my unkindness to Cordella!                            95

Whom causeless I did dispossess of all.

Upon th' unkind suggestions of her sisters:

And for her sake, I think this heavy doom

Is fallen on me, and not without desert:

[Hopefully rebuilding.]

Yet unto Ragan was I always kind,                             100

And gave to her the half of all I had:

It may be, if I should to her repair,

She would be kinder, and entreat me fair.

Perillus.

No doubt she would, and practice ere't be long,

By force of arms for to redress your wrong.                105

Leir.

Well, since thou dost advise me for to go,

I am resolv'd to try the worst of woe.

 [Exeunt.

 ACT III.  SCENE IV. A room in the royal palace of Cambria.

 Enter Ragan sola.

Ragan.

How may I bless the hour of my nativity,

Which bodeth unto me such happy stars!

How may I thank kind Fortune, that vouchsafes

To all my actions such desir'd event!

I rule the king of Cambria as I please:                              5

The states are all obedient to my will;

And look whatever I say, it shall be so,

Not any one that dareth answer no.

My eldest sister lives in royal state,

And wanteth nothing fitting her degree:                           10

Yet hath she such a cooling card withal,

As that her honey savoureth much of gall.

My father with her is quarter-master still,

And many times restrains her of her will:

But if he were with me, and serv'd me so,                       I5

I'd send him packing somewhere else to go.

I'd entertain him with such slender cost,

That he should quickly wish to change his host.

 [Exit.

 ACT III.  SCENE V. A room in the royal palace of Cornwall.

 Enter Cornwall, Gonorill, and attendants.

 Cornwall.

Ah, Gonorill, what dire unhappy chance

Hath sequestered thy father from our presence,

That no report can yet be heard of him?

Some great unkindness hath been offer'd him,

Exceeding far the bounds of patience:                            5

Else all the world shall never me persuade,

He would forsake us without notice made.

Gonorill.

Alas, my lord, whom doth it touch so near,

Or who hath interest in this grief, but I,

Whom sorrow had brought to her longest home,           10

But that I know his qualities so well?

I know, he is but stolen upon my sister

At unawares, to see her how she fares,

And spend a little time with her, to note  

How all things go, and how she likes her choice:           15

And when occasion serves, he'll steal from her,

And unawares return to us again.

Therefore, my lord, be frolic, and resolve

To see my father here again ere long.

Cornwall.

I hope so too; but yet to be more sure,                            20

I'll send a post immediately to know

Whether he be arrived there or no.

[Exit Cornwall.

Gonorill.

But I will intercept the messenger,

And temper him before he doth depart

With sweet persuasions, and with sound rewards,        25

That his report shall ratify my speech,

And make my lord cease further to inquire.

If he be not gone to my sister's court,

As sure my mind presageth that he is,

He haply may, by travelling unknown ways,                   30

Fall sick, and as a common passenger,

Be dead and buried: would God it were so well;

For then there were no more to do, but this,

He went away, and none knows where he is.

But say he be in Cambria with the king,                           35

And there exclaim against me, as he will:

I know he is as welcome to my sister,

As water is into a broken ship.

Well, after him I'll send such thunderclaps

Of slander, scandal, and invented tales,                          40

That all the blame shall be remov'd from me,

And unperceiv'd rebound upon himself.

Thus with one nail another I'll expel,

And make the world judge that I us'd him well.

 Enter the messenger that should go to Cambria, with a letter in his hand.

  Gonorill.

My honest friend, whither away so fast?                          45

Messenger.

To Cambria, madam, with letters from the king.

Gonorill.

To whom?

Messenger.

Unto your father, if he be there.

Gonorill.

Let me see them.

[She opens them.

 Messenger.

Madam, I hope your grace will stand between me and my neck-verse, if I be called in question, for opening the king's letters.

Gonorill.

'Twas I that open'd them; it was not thou.

Messenger.

Ay, but you need not care; and so must I, a handsome man, be quickly truss'd up, and when a man's hang'd,

all the world cannot save him.

Gonorill.

He that hangs thee, were better hang his father,

Or that but hurts thee in the least degree,

I tell thee, we make great account of thee.

Messenger.

I am o'er-joy'd, I surfeit of sweet words: kind queen,

had I a hundred lives, I would spend ninety-nine of

them for you, for that word.

Gonorill.

Ay, but thou would'st keep one life still,

And that's as many as thou art like to have.                    64

Messenger.

That one life is not too dear for my good queen;

this sword, this buckler, this head, this heart, these

hands, arms, legs, tripes, bowels, and all the members else whatsoever, are at your dispose; use me, trust me, command me: if I fail in anything, tie me to a dung-cart, and make a scavenger's horse of me, and whip me so long as I have any skin on my back.                   71

Gonorill.

In token of further employment, take that.

 [Flings him a purse,

 Messenger.

A strong bond, a firm obligation, good in law, good

in law: if I keep not the condition, "let my neck be the

forfeiture of my negligence.                                               75

Gonorill.

I like thee well, thou hast a good tongue.

Messenger.

And as bad a tongue, if it be set on it, as any oyster-

wife at Billingsgate hath: why, I have made many of my neighbors forsake their houses with railing upon them, and go dwell elsewhere; and so by my means houses have been good cheap in our parish: my tongue being well whetted with choler, is more sharp than a razor of Palermo.                                                                          82

Gonorill.

Oh, thou art a fit man for my purpose.

Messenger.

Commend me not, sweet queen, before you try me.

As my deserts are, so do think of me.                              85

Gonorill.

Well said, then this is thy trial: instead of carrying

the king's letters to my father, carry thou these letters to my sister, which contain matter quite contrary to the other: there shall she be given to understand, that my father hath detracted her, given out slanderous speeches against her; and that he hath most intolerably abused me, set my lord and me at variance, and made mutinies amongst the commons.                                     92

These things tell them (although it be not so)

Yet thou must swear to them that this is true,

With oaths and protestations as will serve                      95

To drive my sister out of love with him,

And cause my will accomplished to be.

This do, and thou win'st my favor forever,

And makes a highway of preferment to thee

And all thy friends.                                                         100

Messenger.

Enough, think it is already done: I will so tongue-whip

him, that I will leave him as bare of credit, as a poulter

leaves a cony, when she pulls off his skin.

Gonorill.

Yet there is a further matter.                                         105

Messenger.

I thirst to hear it.

Gonorill.

If my sister thinketh convenient, as my letters

importeth, to make him away, hast thou the heart to effect it?

Messenger.

Few words are best in so small a matter:

These are but trifles. By this book I will.  

[Kisses the purse.]

 Gonorill.

About it presently, I long till it be done.

Messenger.

I fly, I fly.

 Exeunt.

   1st Intermission.

    Our Act 2

ACT IV. SCENE I. Outside a Church in Gallia.

 Enter Cordella sola.

 Cordella.

I have been over-negligent today,

In going to the temple of my God,  

To render thanks for all his benefits,

Which he miraculously hath bestow'd on me,

In raising me out of my mean estate,

Whenas I was devoid of worldly friends,

And placing me in such a sweet content,

As far exceeds the reach of my deserts.

My kingly husband, mirror of his time,

For zeal, for justice, kindness, and for care                     10

To God, his subjects, me, and common weal,

By his appointment was ordained' for me.

I cannot wish the thing that I do want;

I cannot want the thing but I may have,

Save only this which I shall ne’er obtain,                         15

My father's love, oh, this I ne'er shall gain.

I would abstain from any nutriment,

And pine my body to the very bones:

Barefoot I would on pilgrimage set forth

Unto the furthest quarters of the earth,                            20

And all my life-time would I sackcloth wear,

And mourning-wise pour dust upon my head:

So he but to forgive me once would please,

That his gray hairs might go to heaven in peace.

And yet I know not how I him offended,                           25

Or wherein justly I have deserved blame.

Oh, sisters! you are much to blame in this,

It was not he, but you that did me wrong:

Yet God forgive both him, and you, and me;

E’en as I do in perfect charity.                                           30

I will to church, and pray unto my Savior,

That ere I die, I may obtain his favor.

 [Exit.

 ACT IV.  SCENE II. A road leading to the royal palace of Cambria.

 Enter Leir and Perillus faintly.

 Perillus.

Rest on me, my lord, and stay yourself,  

The way seems tedious to your aged limbs.

Leir.

Nay, rest on me, kind friend, and stay thyself,

Thou art as old as I, but far more kind.

Perillus.

Ah, good my lord, it ill befits, that I                                    5

Should lean upon the person of a king.

Leir.

But it fits worse, that I should bring thee forth,

That had no cause to come along with me,

Through these uncouth paths, and tireful ways,

And never ease thy fainting limbs a whit.                        10

Thou hast left all, ay, all to come with me,

And I, for all, have naught to guerdon thee.

Perillus.

Cease, good my lord, to aggravate my woes

With these kind words, which cuts my heart in two,

To think your will should want the power to do.              15

Leir.

Cease, good Perillus, for to call me lord,

And think me but the shadow of myself.

Perillus.

That honorable title will I give

Unto my lord, so long as I do live.

Oh, be of comfort; for I see the place                               20

Whereas your daughter keeps her residence.

And lo, in happy time the Cambrian prince

Is here arriv'd, to gratify our coming.

 [Enter the King of Cambria, Ragan,

and other nobles:

King Leir looks upon them

and whispers with Perillus.]

 Leir.

Were I best speak, or sit me down and die?

I am asham'd to tell this heavy tale.                                  25

Perillus.

Then let me tell it, if you please, my lord:

'Tis shame for them 'that were the cause thereof.

Cambria.

What two old men are those that seem so sad?

Methinks, I should remember well their looks.

Ragan.                                  [Aside.]

No, I mistake not, sure it is my father:                              30

I must dissemble kindness now of force.

She runneth to him,

and kneels down, saying:

 Father, I bid you welcome, full of grief,

To see your grace us'd thus unworthily,

And ill befitting for your reverend age,

To come on foot - a journey unendurable.                     35

[Leir weeps.]

Oh, what disastrous chance hath been the cause,

To make your cheeks so hollow, spare and lean?

He cannot speak for weeping: God's love, come,

Let us refresh him with some needful things,

And at more leisure we may better know,                       40

Whence springs the ground of this unlook'd-for woe.

Cambria.

Come, father, ere we any further talk,

You shall refresh you after this weary walk.

 [Exeunt, manet Ragan.

 Ragan.

Comes he to me with finger in the eye,

To tell a tale against my sister here?                               45

Whom I do know, he greatly hath abus'd:

And now like a contentious crafty wretch,

He first begins for to complain himself,

Whenas himself is in the greatest fault?

I'll not be partial in my sister's cause,                               50

Nor yet believe his doting vain reports; -

Who for a trifle (safely) I dare say,

Upon a spleen is stolen thence away:

And here (forsooth) he hopeth to have harbor,

And to be moan'd and made on like a child:                   55

But ere't be long, his coming he shall curse,

And truly say, he came from bad to worse:

Yet will I make fair weather, to procure

Convenient means, and then I'll strike it sure.

 [Exit.

ACT IV.  SCENE III. Outside the royal palace of Cambria.

 Enter Messenger solus.

 Messenger.

Now happily I am arrived here, before the stately palace of the Cambrian king:

If Leir be here safe-seated, and in rest,

To rouse him from it I will do my best.

 Enter Ragan.

 Now bags of gold, your virtue is (no doubt)

To make me in my message bold and stout.

 [He bows obsequiously.]

 The King of heaven preserve your Majesty,

And send your highness everlasting reign.

Ragan.

Thanks, good my friend; but what imports thy

                                                                               message?

Messenger.

Kind greetings from the Cornwall queen: the residue

these letters will declare.

 She opens the letters.

 Ragan.

How fares our royal sister?

Messenger.

I did leave her, at my parting, in good health.

 [She reads the letters, frowns, and stamps. The Messenger comments in aside.]

 See how her color comes and goes again,

Now red as scarlet, now as pale as ash:                         15

See how she knits her brow, and bites her lips,

And stamps, and makes a dumb show of disdain,

Mix'd with revenge, and violent extremes.

Here will be more work and more crowns for me.

Ragan.                  [To the audience.]

Alas, poor soul, and hath he used her thus?                   20

And is he now come hither, with intent

To set divorce betwixt my lord and me?

Doth he give out that he doth hear report,

That I do rule my husband as I list,

And therefore means to alter so the case,                       25

That I shall know my lord to be my head?

Well, it were best for him to take good heed,

Or I will make him hop without a head,

For his presumption, dotard that he is.

In Cornwall he hath made such mutinies,                        30

First, setting of the king against the queen;

Then stirring up the commons 'gainst the king;

That had he there continued any longer,

He had been call'd in question for his fact.

So upon that occasion thence he fled,                             35

And comes thus slyly stealing unto us:

And now already since his coming hither,

My lord and he are grown in such a league,

That I can have no conference with his grace:

I fear he doth already intimate                                           40

Some forged cavillations 'gainst my state:

'Tis therefore best to cut him off in time,

Lest slanderous rumors once abroad dispers'd,

It is too late for them to be revers'd.

[To the Messenger.]

Friend, as the tenor of these letters shows,                    45

My sister puts great confidence in thee.

Messenger.

She never yet committed trust to me,

But that, I hope, she found me always faithful:

So will I be to any friend of hers,

That hath occasion to employ my help.                           50

Ragan.

Hast thou the heart to act a stratagem,

And give a stab or two, if need require?

Messenger.

I have a heart compact of adamant,

Which never knew what melting pity meant.

I weigh no more the murd'ring of a man,                         55

Than I respect the cracking of a flea,

When I do catch her biting on my skin.

If you will have your husband or your father,

Or both of them sent to another world,

Do but command me do't, it shall be done.                     60

Ragan.

It is enough, we make no doubt of thee:

Meet us tomorrow here, at nine o’clock:

Meanwhile, farewell, and drink that for my sake.

 [She gives him a purse and exits.]

 Messenger.

Ay, this is it will make me do the deed:

Oh, had I every day such customers,                               65

This were the gainfull'st trade in Christendom!

A purse of gold giv'n for a paltry stab.

[Indicating Ragan and gyrating his hips

in a comic sexual manner.]

 Why, here's a wench that longs to have a stab.

Well, I could give it her, and ne'er hurt her neither.

 [Exit.]

 ACT IV.  SCENE IV. A room in the royal palace of Gallia.

 Enter the Gallian king, and Cordella.

 King of Gallia.

When will these clouds of sorrow once disperse,

And smiling joy triumph upon thy brow?

When will this scene of sadness have an end,

And pleasant acts ensue, to move delight?

When will my lovely queen cease to lament,                  5

And take some comfort to her grieved thoughts?

If of thyself thou deign'st to have no care,

Yet pity me, whom thy grief makes despair.

Cordella.

Oh, grieve not you, my lord, you have no cause;

Let not my passions move your mind a whit:                  10

For I am bound by nature to lament

For his ill will, that life to me first lent.

If so the stock be dried with disdain,

Wither'd and sere the branch must needs remain.

King of Gallia.

But thou art now graft in another stock;                           15

I am the stock, and thou the lovely branch:

And from my root continual sap shall flow,

To make thee flourish with perpetual spring.

Forget thy father and thy kindred now,

Since they forsake thee like inhuman beasts;                 20

Think they are dead, since all their kindness dies,

And bury them, where black oblivion lies.

Think not thou art the daughter of old Leir,

Who did unkindly disinherit thee:

But think thou art the noble Gallian queen,                     25

And wife to him that dearly loveth thee:

Embrace the joys that present with thee dwell,

Let sorrow pack and hide herself in hell.

Cordella.

Not that I miss my country or my kin,

My old acquaintance or my ancient friends,                    30

Doth any whit distemperate my mind,

Now knowing you, which are more dear to me

Than country, kin, and all things else can be.

Yet pardon me, my gracious lord, in this:

For what can stop the course of Nature's power?          35

As easy is it for four-footed beasts,

To stay themselves upon the liquid air,

And mount aloft into the element,

And overstrip the feather'd fowls in flight:

As easy is it for the slimy fish,                                          40

To live and thrive without the help of water:

As I am able to forget my father.  

King of Gallia.

Mirror of virtue, Phoenix of our age!

Too kind a daughter for an unkind father,

Be of good comfort; for I will dispatch

Ambassadors immediately for Britain,

Unto the king of Cornwall's court, whereas                     50

Your father keepeth now his residence,

And in the kindest manner him entreat,

That, setting former grievances apart,

He will be pleas'd to come and visit us.

If no entreaty will suffice the turn,                                     55

I'll offer him the half of all my crown:

If that moves not, we'll furnish out a fleet,

And sail to Cornwall for to visit him;

And there you shall be firmly reconcil'd

In perfit love, as erst you were before.                             60

Cordella.

Where tongue cannot sufficient thanks afford,

The King of heaven remunerate my lord.

[She throws her arms around him

and kisses him.]

 King of Gallia.

Only be blithe and frolic, sweet, with me;

This and much more I'll do to comfort thee.

 [Exeunt.]

 ACT IV. SCENE V. A room in the royal palace of Cambria.

 Enter Messenger solus.

 Messenger.

It is a world to see now I am flush,

How many friends I purchase everywhere!

How many seek to creep into my favor,  

And kiss their hands, and bend their knees to me!

No more, here comes the queen, now shall I know her                                                                                         mind,

And hope for to derive more crowns from her.

 Enter Ragan.

 Ragan.

My friend, I see thou mind'st thy promise well,

And art before me here, methinks today.

Messenger.

I am a poor man, and it like your grace;

But yet I always love to keep my word.  

Ragan.

Well, keep thy word with me, and thou shall see,

That of a poor man I will make thee rich.

Messenger.

I long to hear it, it might have been dispatched

If you had told me of it yesternight.

Ragan.

It is a thing of right strange consequence,                      15

And well I cannot utter it in words.

Messenger.

It is more strange, that I am not by this

Beside myself, with longing for to hear it.

Were it to meet the devil in his den,

And try a bout with him for a scratched face,                  20

I'd undertake it, if you would but bid me.

Ragan.

Ah, good my friend, that I should have thee do

Is such a thing as I do shame to speak;

Yet it must needs be done.

Messenger.

I'll speak it for thee, queen:

Shall I kill thy father?

I know 'tis that; and if it be so, say.                                   26

Ragan.

Ay.

Messenger.

Why, that’s enough.

Ragan.

                                               And yet that is not all.

Messenger.

What else?  

Ragan.

Thou must kill that old man that came with him.

Messenger.

Here are two hands, for each of them is one.

Ragan.

And for each hand here is a recompense.

 [Gives him two purses.

 Messenger.

Oh, that I had ten hands by miracle!

I could tear ten in pieces with my teeth,                           35

So in my mouth you’d put a purse of gold.

But in what manner must it be effected?

Ragan.

Tomorrow morning ere the break of day,

I (by a ruse) will send them to the thicket,

That is about two miles from the court,                        40

And promise them to meet them there myself,

Because I must have private conference

About some news I have receiv'd from Cornwall.

This is enough, I know, they will not fail,

And then be ready for to play thy part:                             45

Which done, thou may'st right easily escape,

And no man once mistrust thee for the fact:

But yet, before thou prosecute the act,

Show him the letter, which my sister sent,

There let him read his own indictment first,                     50

And then proceed to execution:

But see thou faint not; for they will speak fair.

Messenger.

Could he speak words as pleasing as the pipe

Of Mercury, which charm'd the hundred eyes

Of watchful Argus, and enforc'd him sleep:                     55

Yet here are words so pleasing to my thoughts,

 [Shaking the purse to make the coins jingle.]

 As quite shall take away the sound of his.

 Exit Murtherer.

 Ragan.

About it then, and when thou hast dispatch'd,

I'll find a means to send thee after him.

 [Exit Ragan.

  ACT IV. SCENE VI. A room in the royal palace of Cornwall.

 Enter Cornwall and Gonoril.

 Cornwall.

I wonder that the messenger doth stay,

Whom we dispatch'd for Cambria so long since:

If that his answer do not please us well,

And he do show good reason for delay,

I'll teach him how to dally with his king,                            5

And to detain us in such long suspense.

Gonorill.

My lord, I think the reason may be this:

My father means to come along with him;

And therefore 'tis his pleasure he shall stay,

For to attend upon him on the way.                                  10

Cornwall.

It may be so, and therefore till I know

The truth thereof, I will suspend my judgment.

 Enter Servant.

 Servant.

And't like your grace, there is an ambassador arrived from Gallia, and craves admittance to your majesty.

Cornwall.

From Gallia? what should his message                           15

Hither import? is not your father haply

Gone thither? well, whatsoe'er it be,

Bid him come in, he shall have audience.

 Enter Ambassador.

 What news from Gallia? speak, ambassador.

Ambassador.  

The noble king and queen of Gallia first salutes,           20

By me, their honorable father, my lord Leir:

Next, they commend them kindly to your graces,

As those whose welfare they entirely wish.

Letters I have to deliver to my lord Leir,

And presents too, if I might speak with him.                    25

Gonorill.

If you might speak with him? why, do you think,

We are afraid that you should speak with him?

Ambassador.  

Pardon me, madam; for I think not so,

But say so only 'cause he is not here.

Cornwall.

Indeed, my friend, upon some urgent cause,                  30

He is at this time absent from the court:

But if a day or two you here repose,

'Tis very likely you shall have him here,

Or else have certain notice where he is.

Gonorill.

Are not we worthy to receive your message?                 35

Ambassador.  

I had in charge to do it to himself.

Gonorill.                               [To herself.]

It may be then 'twill not be done in haste.

 [To the Ambassador.]  

 How doth my sister brook the air of France?

Ambassador.  

Exceeding well, and never sick one hour,

Since first she set her foot upon the shore.                     40

Gonorill.

I am the more sorry.

Ambassador.  

                               I hope not so, madam.

Gonorill.

Did'st thou not say, that she was ever sick,

Since the first hour that she arrived there?

Ambassador.  

No, madam, I said quite contrary.                                    45

Gonorill.

Then I mistook thee.

Cornwall.

Then she is merry, if she have her health?

Ambassador.  

Oh no, her grief exceeds, until the time

That she be reconcil'd unto her father.

Gonorill.

God continue it.                                                                    50

Ambassador.  

                               What, madam?

Gonorill.

                                                               Why, her health.

Ambassador.  

Amen to that: but God release her grief,

And send her father in a better mind,

Than to continue always so unkind.                                 55

Cornwall.

I'll be a mediator in her cause,

And seek all means to expiate his wrath.

Ambassador.  

Madam, I hope your grace will do the like.

Gonorill.

Should I be a mean to exasperate his wrath

Against my sister, whom I love so dear? no, no.            60

Ambassador.  

To expiate or mitigate his wrath:

For he hath misconceived without a cause.

Gonorill.

Oh, ay, what else?

Ambassador.  

'Tis pity it should be so; would it were otherwise.

Gonorill.

It were great pity it should be otherwise.                         65

Ambassador.  

Than how, madam?

Gonorill.

Than that they should be reconciled again.

Ambassador.  

It shows you bear an honorable mind.

Gonorill.               [Speaks to herself.

It shows thy understanding to be blind,

And that thou need a good interpreter:                           70

Well, I will know thy message ere't be long,

And find a mean to cross it, if I can.

Cornwall.

Come in, my friend, and frolic in our court,

Till certain notice of my father come.

 [Exeunt.

 ACT IV.  SCENE VII. In the open country of Cambria.

 Enter Leir and Perillus.

 Perillus.

My lord, you’re up today before your hour,

'Tis news to you to be abroad so rathe. [1]

Leir.

'Tis news indeed, I am so extreme heavy,

That I can scarcely keep my eye-lids open.

Perillus.

And so am I, but I impute the cause                                 5

To rising sooner than we use to do.

Leir.

Hither my daughter means to come disguised:

 I'll sit me down, and read until she come.

 Pulls out a book, and sits down.

 Perillus.

She'll not be long, I warrant you, my lord:

But say, a couple of these they call “good fellows”        10

Should step out of a hedge, and set upon us,

We were in good case for to answer them.

Leir.

'Twere not for us to stand upon our hands.

Perillus.

I fear, we scant should stand upon our legs.

But how should we do to defend ourselves?                 15

Leir.

E’en pray to God, to bless us from their hands:

For fervent prayer much ill hap withstands.

Perillus.

I'll sit and pray with you for company;                             18

Yet was I ne'er so heavy in my life.

 [They fall both asleep.

Enter the Messenger/murderer,

with two daggers in his hands.

 Messenger.                        [To audience.]

Were it not a mad jest, if two or three of my profession

should meet me, and lay me down in a ditch, and play

rob-thief with me, and perforce take my gold away from

me, whilst I act this stratagem, and by this means the grey-beards should escape? Faith, when I were at liberty again, I would make no more to do, but go to the next tree, and there hang myself.

[Sees them, and starts.

 But stay, methinks, my youths are here already,           27

And with pure zeal have prayed themselves asleep.

I think, they know to what intent they came,

And are provided for another world.                                 30

 He takes their books away.

 Now could I stab them bravely, while they sleep,

And in a manner put them to no pain;

And doing so, I’d show them mighty friendship:

For fear of death is worse than death itself.

But that my sweet queen will'd me for to show               35

This letter to them, ere I did the deed.

 [Leir and Perillus turn in their sleep.]

 Mass, they begin to stir: I'll stand aside;

So shall I come upon them unawares.

 [They wake and rise.

Leir.

I marvel, that my daughter stays so long.

Perillus.

I fear, we did mistake the place, my lord.                        40

Leir.

God grant we’ve not miscarried in the place!

I had a short nap, but so full of dread,

As much amazeth me to think thereof.

Perillus.

Fear not, my lord, dreams are but fantasies,

And slight imaginations of the brain.                                 45

Messenger.                  [Aside.]

Persuade him so, but I'll make him and you

Confess, that dreams do often prove too true.

Perillus.

I pray, my lord, what was the effect of it?

I may go near to guess what it portends.

Messenger.                  [Aside.]

Leave that to me, I will expound the dream.                   50

Leir.

Methought my daughters, Gonorill and Ragan,

Stood both before me with such grim aspects,

Each brandishing a falchion in their hand,

Ready to lop a limb off where it fell,

And in their other hand a naked poniard,                        55

Wherewith they stabb'd me in a hundred places,

And to their thinking left me there for dead:

But then my youngest daughter, fair Cordella,

Came with a box of balsam in her hand,

And poured it into my bleeding wounds;                        60

By whose good means I was recover'd well,

In perfect health, as erst I was before:

And with the fear of this I did awake,

And yet for fear my feeble joints do quake.

Messenger.                  [Aside.]

I'll make you quake for something presently.                  65

 [Jumping forward and yelling

at Leir and Perillus.]

 Stand, stand.

 [They reel.

 Leir.

We do, my friend, although with much ado.

Messenger.

Deliver, deliver.

Perillus.

Deliver us, good Lord, from such as he.

Messenger.

You should have prayed before, while it was time,

And then perhaps, you might have 'scap'd my hands:  71

But you, like faithful watch-men, fell asleep,

The whilst I came and took your halberds from you.

 [Mockingly showing them their books.

 And now you want your weapons of defense,

How have you any hope to be delivered?                      75

This comes, because you have no better stay,  

But fall asleep, when you should watch and pray.

[Leir grabs the messenger by the arm.]

Leir.

My friend, thou seem'st to be a proper man.

[Messenger pulls away from Leir.]

Messenger.

'Sblood, how the old slave claws me by the elbow!

He thinks, belike, to 'scape by scraping thus.  80

Perillus.

And it may be, are in some need of money.

Messenger.

That to be false, behold my evidence.

 Messenger shows his purses.

[Leir takes out his purse.]

 Leir.

If this I have will do thee any good,

I give it thee, even with a right good will.

 [The messenger takes Leir’s purse.]

 Perillus.

Here, take mine too, and wish with all my heart,            85

To do thee pleasure, it were twice as much.

[The messenger takes Perillus’ also,

and weighs them both in his hands.

 Messenger.

I'll none of them, they are too light for me.

 [Puts them in his pocket.

 Leir.

Why then farewell: and if thou have occasion

In anything, to use me to the queen,

'Tis like enough that I can pleasure thee.

 [They proffer to go.

 Messenger.

Do you hear, do you hear, sir?                                          91

[He runs and blocks their way.]

If I had occasion to use you to the queen, would you do one thing for me I should ask?

Leir.

Ay, anything that lies within my power.

Here is my hand upon it, so farewell.

 Proffers to go.

 Messenger.

Hear you, sir, hear you? pray, a word with you.             96

[He blocks their way again.]

Methinks, a comely honest ancient man

Should not dissemble with one for a vantage.

I know, when I shall come to try this gear

You will recant from all that you have said.               100

Perillus.

Mistrust not him, but try him when thou wilt:

He is her father, therefore may do much.

Messenger.

I know he is, and therefore mean to try him:

You are his friend too, I must try you both.                 104

Both.

Prithee do, prithee do.

 Proffer to go out.

 Messenger.

Stay grey-beards then, and prove men of your words:

[He blocks their way a third time.]

The queen hath tied me by a solemn oath,

Here in this place to see you both dispatch'd:

Now for the safeguard of my conscience,

Do me the pleasure for to kill yourselves:  

So shall you save me labor for to do it,

And prove yourselves true old men of your words.

And here I vow in sight of all the world,

I ne'er will trouble you whilst I live again.

Leir.

Affright us not with terror, good my friend,                 115

Nor strike such fear into our aged hearts.

Play not the cat, which dallieth with the mouse;

And on a sudden maketh her a prey:

But if thou art mark'd for the man of death

To me and to my Damon, tell me plain,                     120

That we may be prepared for the stroke,

And make ourselves fit for the world to come.

Messenger.

I am the last of any mortal race,

That e'er your eyes are likely to behold,

And hither sent of purpose to this place,                   125

To give a final period to your days,

Which are so wicked, and have liv'd so long,

That your own children seek to short your life.

Leir.

Cam'st thou from France, of purpose to do this?

Messenger.

From France? ‘Zoons! do I look like a Frenchman?

Sure I have not mine own face on; somebody hath chang'd faces with me, and I know not of it: but I am sure, my apparel is all English. Sirrah, what meanest thou to ask that question? I could spoil the fashion of this face for anger. A French face!                                          135

Leir.

Because my daughter, whom I have offended,

And at whose hands I have deserv'd as ill,

As ever any father did of child,

Is queen of France, no thanks at all to me,

But unto God, who my injustice see.                            140

If it be so that she doth seek revenge,

As with good reason she may justly do,

I will most willingly resign my life,

A sacrifice to mitigate her ire:

I never will entreat thee to forgive,                               145

Because I am unworthy for to live.

Therefore speak soon, and I will soon make speed;

Whether Cordella will'd thee do this deed?

Messenger.

As I am a perfect gentleman, thou speakest French

to me:

I never heard Cordella's name before,           150

Nor never was in France in all my life:

I never knew thou hadst a daughter there,

To whom thou did'st prove so unkind a churl:

But thy own tongue declares that thou hast been

A vile old wretch, and full of heinous sin.                   155

Leir.

Ah, no, my friend, thou art deceived much:

For her except, whom I confess I wrong'd,

Through doting frenzy, and o'er-jealous love,

There lives not any under heaven's bright eye,

That can convict me of impiety:                                   160

And therefore sure thou dost mistake the mark:

For I am in true peace with all the world.

Messenger.

You are the fitter for the King of heaven:

And therefore, for to rid thee of suspense,

Know thou, the queens of Cambria and Cornwall,     165

Thy own two daughters, Gonoril and Ragan,  

Appointed me to massacre thee here.

Why, wouldst thou then persuade me that thou art

In charity with all the world but now,

When thy own issue hold thee in such hate               170

That they have hired me to abridge thy fate?

Oh, fie upon such vile dissembling breath,

That would deceive, e’en at the point of death.

Perillus.

Am I awake, or is this but a dream?

Messenger.

Fear nothing, man, thou art but in a dream,                175

And thou shalt never wake until doomsday;

By then, I hope, thou wilt have slept enough.

Leir.

Yet, gentle friend, grant one thing ere I die.

Messenger.

I'll grant you anything, except your lives.

Leir.

Oh, but assure me by some certain token,                180

That my two daughters hired thee to this deed:

If I were once resolv'd of that, then I

Would wish no longer life, but crave to die.

Messenger.

That to be true, in sight of heaven I swear.

Leir.

Swear not by heaven, for fear of punishment:          185

The heavens are guiltless of such heinous acts.

Messenger.

I swear by earth, the mother of us all.

Leir.

Swear not by earth: for she abhors to bear

Such bastards, as are murderers of her sons'.

Messenger.

Why then, by hell, and all the devils I swear.            190

Leir.

Swear not by hell; for that stands gaping wide,

To swallow thee, and if thou do this deed.

 [Thunder and Lightning.

 Messenger.                         [To audience.]

I would that word were in his belly again, it hath frighted

me even to the very heart; this old man is some strong magician: his words have turn'd my mind from this exploit.

[To Leir.]

Then neither heaven, earth, nor hell, be witness;

But let this paper witness for them all.

 [Messenger shows Leir Gonorill's letter.

 Shall I relent, or shall I prosecute?

Shall I resolve, or were I best recant?                      200

I will not crack my credit with two queens,

To whom I have already pass'd my word.

Oh, but my conscience for this act doth tell,

I get heaven's hate, earth's scorn, and pains of hell.

 [They bless themselves.

 Perillus.

O just Jehovah, whose almighty power                    205

Doth govern all things in this spacious world,

How canst thou suffer such outrageous acts

To be committed without just revenge?

 O viperous generation and accurst,

To seek his blood, whose blood did make them first!  210

Leir.                                       [To Perillus.]

Ah, my true friend in all extremity,

Let us submit us to the will of God:

Things past all sense, let us not seek to know;

It is God's will, and therefore must be so.

[To Messenger.]

My friend, I am prepared for the stroke:                    215

Strike when thou wilt, and I forgive thee here,

E’en from the very bottom of my heart.

Messenger.

But I am not prepared for to strike.

Leir.

Farewell, Perillus, even the truest friend,

That ever lived in adversity:                                         220

The latest kindness I'll request of thee,

Is that thou go unto my daughter Cordella,

And carry her her father's latest blessing:

Withal desire her, that she will forgive me;

For I have wrong'd her without any cause.                225

[To God.]

Now, Lord, receive me, for I come to thee,

And die, I hope, in perfect charity.

[To Messenger.]

Dispatch, I pray thee, I have liv'd too long.

Messenger.

Ay, but you are unwise, to send an errand;

By him that never meaneth to deliver it:                   230

Why, he must go along with you to heaven:

It were not good you should go all alone.

Leir.

No doubt, he shall, when by the course of nature,

He must surrender up his due to death:

But that time shall not come till God permit.              235

Messenger.

Nay, presently, to bear you company.

I have a passport for him in my pocket,

Already seal'd, and he must needs ride post.

 [Messenger shows another bag of money.

 Leir.

The letter which I read, imports not so,

It only toucheth me; no word of him.                            240

Messenger.

Ay, but the queen commands it must be so,

And I am paid for him, as well as you.

Perillus.                                [To Leir.]

I, who have borne you company in life,

Most willingly will bear a share in death.

[To messenger.]

It matters not for me, my friend, a whit,                      245

Nor for a hundred such as thou and I.

Messenger.

Marry, but it doth, sir, by your leave; your good days are past: though it be no matter for you, 'tis a matter for me; proper men are not so rife.

Perillus.

Oh, but beware, how thou dost lay thy hand             250

Upon the high anointed of the Lord:

Oh, be advised ere thou dost begin:

Dispatch me straight, but meddle not with him.

Leir.

Friend, thy commission is to deal with me,

[Leir steps in front of Perillus.]

And I am he that hath deserved all:                           255

The plot was laid to take away my life:

And here it is, I do entreat thee take it:

Yet for my sake, and as thou art a man,

Spare this my friend, that hither with me came:

I brought him forth, whereas he had not been,          260

But for good will to bear me company.

He left his friends, his country, and his goods,

And came with me in most extremity.

Oh, if he should miscarry here and die,

Who is the cause of it, but only I?                              265

Messenger.

Why that am I, let that ne'er trouble thee.

[Leir anguishly weeping falls to the ground.]

Leir.

Oh no, 'tis I.

Oh, had I now the power to give to thee

The monarchy of all the spacious world

To save his life, I would bestow it on thee:

But I have nothing but these tears and prayers,       270

And the submission of a bended knee.

 [Kneels.

 Oh, if all this to mercy move thy mind,

Spare him, in heaven thou shalt like mercy find.

Messenger.

I am as hard to be mov'd as another, and yet methinks the strength of their persuasions stirs me a little.

Perillus.

My friend, if fear of the almighty power

Have power to move thee, we have said enough;

But if thy mind be moveable with gold,

We have none presently to give to thee:

Yet to thyself thou may'st do greater good,               280

To keep thy hands still undefil'd from blood:

For do but well consider with thyself,

When thou hast finish'd this outrageous act,

What horror still will haunt thee for the deed:

Think this again, that they which would incense        285

Thee for to be the butcher of their father,

When it is done, for fear it should be known,

Would make a means to rid thee from the world:

Oh, then art thou forever tied in chains

Of everlasting torments to endure,                             290

E’en in the hottest hole of grisly hell,

Such pains, as never mortal tongue can tell.

 [It thunders. The messenger quakes,

and lets fall the dagger next to Perillus.

 Leir.

O, heavens be thanked, he will spare my friend.

Now, when thou wilt, come make of me an end.

 [It thunders.]

The messenger lets fall the other dagger.

 Perillus.

Oh, happy fight! he means to save my lord.            295

The king of heaven continue this good mind.

Leir.

Why stay'st thou to do execution?

Messenger.

I am as willful as you for your life:

I will not do it, now you do entreat me.

Perillus.

Ah, now I see thou hast some spark of grace.         300

Messenger.

Beshrew you for it, you have put it in me:

The parlousest [2] old men, that e'er I heard.

Well, to be flat, I'll not meddle with you:

Here I found you, and here I'll leave you:

If any ask you why the case so stands?                   305

Say that your tongues were better than your hands.

 [Exit Messenger.

 Perillus.

Farewell. If ever we together meet,

It shall go hard, but I will thee regreet.

Courage, my lord, the worst is overpast:

Let us give thanks to God, and hie us hence.          310

Leir.

Thou art deceived; for I am past the best,

And know not whither for to go from hence:

Death had been better welcome unto me,

Than longer life to add more misery.

Perillus.

It were not good to return from whence we came,

Unto your daughter Ragan back again.                   316

Now let us go to France, unto Cordella,

Your youngest daughter; doubtless she will succor you.

Leir.

Oh, how can I persuade myself of that,

Since t’other two are quite devoid of love;               320

To whom I was so kind, as that my gifts

Might make them love me, if 'twere nothing else?

Perillus.

No worldly gifts, but grace from God on high,

Doth nourish virtue and true charity.

Remember well what words Cordella spake,          325

That time you asked her, how she loved your grace,

She said, her love unto you was as much,

As ought a child to bear unto her father.

Leir.

But she did find, my love was not to her,

As ought a father bear unto a child.       330

Perillus.

That makes not her love to be any less,

If she do love you as a child should do!

You have tried two, try one more for my sake,

I'll ne'er entreat you further trial make.  

Remember well the dream you had of late,             335

And think what comfort it foretells to us.

[Leir hugs Perillus.]

Leir.

Come, truest friend that ever man possessed,

I know thou counsell'st all things for the best:

If this third daughter play a kinder part,

It comes of God, and not of my desert.

  Exeunt.

 ACT IV.  SCENE VIII. Outside the royal palace of Cornwall.

 Enter the Gallian Ambassador solus.

 Ambassador.

There is of late news come unto the court,

That old lord Leir remains in Cambria:

I'll hie me thither presently, to impart

My letters and my message unto him.

I never was less welcome to a place

In all my life-time, than I have been hither,

Especially unto the stately queen,

Who would not cast one gracious look on me,

But still with lowering and suspicious eyes,

Would take exceptions at each word I spake;

And fain she would have undermined me,

To know what my ambassage did import.

But she is like to hop without her hope,  

And in this matter for to want her will,

Though, by report, she'll have't in all things else.           15

Well, I will post away for Cambria:

Within these few days I hope to be there.

 [Exit.

 ACT V.

 SCENE I. A room in the royal palace of Gallia.

 Enter the King and Queen of Gallia,

and Mumford.

 Gallian King.

By this, our father understands our mind,

And our kind greetings sent to him of late:

Therefore my mind presageth ere't be long,

We shall receive from Britain happy news.

Cordella.

I fear my sister will dissuade his mind;                             5

For she to me hath always been unkind.

Gallian King.

Fear not, my love, since that we know the worst,

The last means helps, if that we miss the first:

If he'll not come to Gallia unto us,

Then we will sail to Britain unto him.                                10

Mumford.

Well, if I once see Britain again, I have sworn, I'll ne'er come home without my wench, and I'll not be forsworn;

I'll rather never come home while I live.

Cordella.

Are you sure, Mumford, she is a maid still?                    15

Mumford.

Nay, I'll not swear she is a maid, but she goes for one:

I'll take her at all adventures, if I can get her.

Cordella.

Ay, that's well put in.

Mumford.

Well put in? nay, it was ill put in; for had it been as well put in, as e'er I put in, in my days, I would have made her follow me to France.

Cordella.

Nay, you'd have been so kind, as take her with you, or else, were I as she, I would have been so loving, as I'd stay behind you: Yet I must confess, you are a very proper man, and able to make a wench do more than she would do.

[Swaggering in his pumpkin pants.]

Mumford.

Well, I have a pair of slops for the nonce, will hold all your mocks.

Gallian King.

Nay, we see you have a handsome hose.

Cordella.

Ay, and of the newest fashion.                                          30

Mumford.

More bobs, more: put them in still!  They'll serve instead of bombast; yet, put not in too many, lest the seams crack, and they fly out amongst you again! You must not think to outface me so easily in my mistress' quarrel, who if I see once again, ten team of horses shall not draw me

away, till I have full and whole possession.                     36

Gallian King.

Ay, but one team and a cart will serve the turn.

Cordella.

Not only for him, but also for his wench.

Mumford.

Well, you are two to one, I'll give you over: And since I see you so pleasantly disposed, (which indeed is but seldom seen) I'll claim a promise of you, which you shall not deny me: For promise is debt, and by this hand you promised it me; therefore, you owe it me, and you shall pay it me, or I'll sue you upon an action of unkindness.

Gallian King.

Prithee, lord Mumford, what promise did I make thee?

Mumford.

Faith, nothing but this, that the next fair weather, which is very now, you would go in progress down to the sea side, which is very near.                                                       50

Gallian King.

Faith, in this motion I will join with thee,

And be a mediator to my queen.

Prithee, my love, let this match go forward,

My mind foretells, 'twill be a lucky voyage.

Cordella.

Entreaty needs not, where you may command,             55

So you be pleased, I am right well content;

Yet, as the sea I much desire to see;  

So am I most unwilling to be seen.

Gallian King.

We'll go disguised, all unknown to any.

Cordella.

Howsoever you make one, I'll make another.  60

Mumford.

And I the third: oh, I am over-joyed!

See what love is, which getteth with a word,  

What all the world besides could ne'er obtain?  

But what disguises shall we have, my lord?

Gallian King.

Faith thus: my queen and I will be disguised,                 65

Like a plain country couple,

And you, my lord, shall be - Roger - our man,

and wait upon us:

[Mumford sighs. He always

plays the servant.]

 Or if you will, you shall go first, and we

will wait on you.

[Mumford agrees gleefully.]

Mumford.

                                               'Twere more than time!

This device is excellent! Come let’s about it!

 [Exeunt.

 ACT V. SCENE II. A room in the royal palace of Cambria.

 Enter Cambria and Ragan with nobles.

 Cambria.

What strange mischance or unexpected hap

Hath thus deprived us of our father's presence?

Can no man tell us what's become of him,

With whom we did converse not two days since?

My lords, let everywhere light horse be sent,                  5

And scour about through all our regiment.

Dispatch a post immediately to Cornwall,

To see if any news be of him there;

Myself will make a strict inquiry here,

 And all about our cities near at hand,                               10

Till certain news of his abode be brought.

Ragan.

All sorrow is but counterfeit to mine,

Whose lips are almost sealed up with grief:

Mine is the substance, whilst they do but seem

To weep the loss, which tears cannot redeem.              15

Oh, ne'er was heard so strange a misadventure,

A thing so far beyond the reach of sense,

Since no man's reason in the cause can enter.

What hath remov'd my father thus from hence?

Oh, I do fear some charm or invocation                           20

Of wicked spirits, or infernal fiends,

Stirr'd by Cordella, moves this innovation,

And brings my father timeless to his end.

But might I know, that the detested witch

Were certain cause of this uncertain ill,                           25

Myself to France would go in some disguise,

And with these nails scratch out her hateful eyes!

For since I am deprived of my father,

I loathe my life, and wish my death the rather.

Cambria.

The heavens are just, and hate impiety,                          30

And will, no doubt, reveal such heinous crimes:

Censure not any, till you know the right:

Let him be judge, that bringeth truth to light.

Ragan.

Oh, but my grief, like to a swelling tide,

Exceeds the bounds of common patience:                    35

Nor can I moderate my tongue so much,

To conceal them, whom I hold in suspect.

Cambria.

This matter shall be sifted: if it be she,

A thousand Frances shall not harbor her.

 Enter the Gallian Ambassador.

 Ambassador.  

All happiness unto the Cambrian king.                             40

Cambria.

Welcome, my friend, from whence is thy ambassage?

Ambassador.  

I came from Gallia, unto Cornwall sent,

With letters to your honorable father,

Whom there not finding, as I did expect,

I was directed hither to repair.                                           45

Ragan.

Frenchman, what is thy message to my father?

Ambassador.  

My letters, madam, will import the same,

Which my commission is for to deliver.

Ragan.

In’s absence you may trust us with your letters.

Ambassador.  

I must perform my charge in such a manner,                 50

As I have strict commandment from the king.

Ragan.

There is good packing 'twixt your king and you;

You need not hither come to ask for him,

You know where he is better than ourselves.

Ambassador.  

Madam, I hope not far off.                                                  55

Ragan.

Hath the young murd'ress, your outrageous queen,

No means to color her detested deeds,

In finishing my guiltless father's days,

(Because he gave her nothing to her dower)

But by the color of a feign'd ambassage,                         60

To send him letters hither to our court?

Go carry them to them that sent them hither,

And bid them keep their scrolls unto themselves:

They cannot blind us with such slight excuse,

To smother up so monstrous vile abuse.                         65

And were it not, it is ‘gainst law of arms,

To offer violence to a messenger,

We would inflict such torments on thyself,

As should enforce thee to reveal the truth.

Ambassador.  

Madam, your threats no whit appal my mind,  70

I know my conscience guiltless of this act;

My king and queen, I dare be sworn, are free

From any thought of such impiety:

And therefore, madam, you have done them wrong,

And ill-beseeming with a sister's love,                              75

Who in mere duty tender him as much,

As ever you respected him for dower.

The king your husband will not say as much.

Cambria.

I will suspend my judgment for a time,

Till more appearance give us further light:                      80

[Ragan glares at Cambria.]

Yet to be plain, your coming doth enforce

A great suspicion to our doubtful mind,

And that you do resemble, to be brief,

Him that first robs, and then cries, ' Stop the thief.'

Ambassador.  

Pray God some near you have not done the like.          85

Ragan.

Hence, saucy mate, reply no more to us;

[She strikes him.

For law of arms shall not protect thy tongue.

Ambassador.  

Ne'er was I offer'd such discourtesy;

God and my king, I trust, ere it be long,

Will find a mean to remedy this wrong.                            90

[Exit Ambassador.

Ragan.

How shall I live, to suffer this disgrace,

At every base and vulgar peasant's hands?

It ill befitteth my imperial state,

To be thus used, and no man take my part.

She weeps.

Cambria.

What should I do? infringe the law of arms,                    95

Were to my everlasting obloquy:

But I will take revenge upon his master,

Which sent him hither, to delude us thus.

Ragan.

Nay, if you put up this, be sure, ere long,

Now that my father thus is made away;                      100

She'll come and claim a third part of your crown,

As due unto her by inheritance.

Cambria.

But I will prove her title to be naught

But shame, and the reward of parricide;

And make her an example to the world,                   105

For after-ages to admire her penance.

This will I do, as I am Cambria's king,

Or lose my life, to prosecute revenge.

Come, first let's learn what news is of our father,        109

And then proceed, as best occasion fits.

 [Exeunt.

      2nd Intermission.

      OUR ACT III.

ACT V. SCENE III. A port on the coast of Gallia.

 Enter Leir, Perillus, and two mariners in

sea-gowns and sea-caps.

 Perillus.

My honest friends, we are asham'd to show

The great extremity of our present state,

In that at this time we are brought so low,

That we want money for to pay our passage.

The truth is so, we met with some good fellows,            5

Shortly before we came aboard your ship,

Who stripp'd us quite of all the coin we had,

And left us not a penny in our purses:

Yet wanting money, we will use the mean,                     9

To see you satisfied to the uttermost.

[1st Mariner looks on Leir & feels his cloak.]

First Mariner.

Here's a good cloak; 'twould become me passing well,

I should be fine in it.

[2nd Mariner looks on Perillus

& strokes his cape.]

Second Mariner.

Here's a good cape, I marvel how I should

look in it.

Leir.

Faith, had we others to supply their room,

Though ne'er so mean, you willingly should have them.  

First Mariner.

Do you hear, sir? you look like an honest man;

I'll not stand to do you a pleasure: here's a good strong

motley gaberdine, cost me fourteen good shillings at Billingsgate; give me your cloak for it, and your cap for mine, and I'll forgive your passage.                                                20

Leir.

With all my heart, and twenty thanks.

King Leir and he change.

Second Mariner.

Do you hear, sir? you shall have a better match than he, because you are my friend: here is a good sheep's russet sea-gown, will bide more stress, I warrant you,

than two of his; yet, for you seem to be an honest

gentleman, I am content to change it for your cape, and

ask you nothing for your passage more.

[Pulls at Perillus' cape.]

Perillus.

My own I willingly would change with thee,

And think myself indebted to thy kindness:

But would my friend might keep his garment still.          30

My friend, I'll give thee this new doublet, if thou wilt

Restore his cloak unto him back again.

First Mariner.

Nay, if I do, would I might ne'er eat powdered beef and

mustard more, nor drink a can, or more, of good liquor whilst I live.  My friend, you have small reason to seek to hinder me of my bargain: but the best is, a bargain's a bargain.                                                                                               36

Leir                                        [to Perillus.]

Kind friend, it is much better as it is.

For by this means we may escape unknown,

Till time and opportunity do fit.

Second Mariner.

Hark, hark, they are laying their heads together, they'll

repent them of their bargain anon, 'twere best for us to

go while we are well.

First Mariner.

God be with you, sir, for your passage back again,

I'll use you as unreasonable as another.

Leir.

I know thou wilt; but we hope to bring ready money      45

with us when we come back again.

Exeunt Mariners laughing.

Were ever men in this extremity,

In a strange country, and devoid of friends,

And not a penny for to help ourselves?

Kind friend, what think'st thou will become of us?          50

Perillus.

Be of good cheer, my lord, I have a doublet

Will yield money enough to serve our turns,

Until we come unto your daughter's court:

And then, I hope, we shall find friends enough.

Leir.

Ah, kind Perillus, that is it I fear,                                        55

And makes me faint, or ever I come there.

Can kindness spring out of ingratitude?

Or love be reap'd, where hatred hath been sown?

Can henbane join in league with mithridate?

Or sugar grow in wormwood's bitter stalk?                      60

It cannot be, they are too opposite:

And so am I to any kindness here.

I have thrown wormwood on the sugar'd youth,

And like to henbane poisoned the fount

Whence flowed the antidote of a child's good will.        65

I, like an envious thorn, have prick'd the heart,

And turn'd sweet grapes, to sour unrelish'd sloes:

The causeless ire of my respectless breast,

Hath sour'd the sweet milk of Dame Nature's paps:

My bitter words have gall'd her honey thoughts,            70

And weeds of rancor chok'd the flower of grace,

Then what remainder is of any hope,

But all our fortunes will go quite aslope?

Perillus.

Fear not, my lord, the perfect good indeed,

Can never be corrupted by the bad:                                 75

A new fresh vessel still retains the taste

Of that which first is pour'd into the same:

And therefore, though you name yourself the thorn,

The weed, the gall, the henbane, and the wormwood;

Yet she'll continue in her former state,                             80

The honey, milk, grape, sugar, mithridate.

Leir.

Thou pleasing orator unto me in woe,

Cease to beguile me with thy hopeful speeches:

Oh, join with me, and think of naught but crosses,

And then we'll one lament another's losses.                   85

Perillus.

Why, say the worst, the worst can be but death,

And death is better than for to despair:

Then hazard death, which may convert to life;

Banish despair, which brings a thousand deaths.

Leir.

O'ercome with thy strong arguments, I yield                   90

To be directed by thee, as thou wilt:

As thou yield'st comfort to my crazed thoughts,

Would I could yield the like unto thy body,

Which is full weak, I know, and ill apaid,

For want of fresh meat and due sustenance.                  95

Perillus.

Alack, my lord, my heart doth bleed, to think

That you should be in such extremity.

Leir.

Come, let us go, and see what God will send;

When all means fail, he is the surest friend.

 Exeunt.

ACT V. SCENE IV. The open country near the coast of Gallia.

 Enter the Gallian King and Queen, and Mumford with a basket and blanket,

disguised like country folk.

 Gallian King.

This tedious journey all on foot, sweet love,

Cannot be pleasing to your tender joints,

Which ne'er were used to these toilsome walks.

Cordella.

I never in my life took more delight

In any journey, than I do in this:                                       5

It did me good, whenas we happ'd to light

Amongst the merry crew of country folk,

To see what industry and pains they took,

To win them commendations 'mongst their friends.

Lord, how they labor to bestir themselves,                      10

And in their quirks to go beyond the moon,

And so take on them with such antic fits,

That one would think they were beside their wits!

Come away, Roger, with your basket.

Mumford.

Soft, dame, here comes a couple of old youths,            15

I must needs make myself fat with jesting at them.

Enter Leir and Perillus very faintly.

Cordella.

Nay, prithee do not, they do seem to be

Men much o'ercome with grief and misery

Let's stand aside, and hearken what they say.

Leir.

Ah, my Perillus, now I see we both                                   20

Shall end our days in this unfruitful soil,

[Leir stumbles and falls.]

Oh, I do faint for want of sustenance:

And thou, I know, in little better case.

No gentle tree affords one taste of fruit,

To comfort us, until we meet with men:                           25

No lucky path conducts our luckless steps

Unto a place where any comfort dwells.

[Leir’s head sinks to the ground.]

Sweet rest betide unto our happy souls;

For here I see our bodies must have end.

Perillus.

Ah, my dear lord, how doth my heart lament,  30

To see you brought to this extremity!

Oh, if you love me, as you do profess,

Or ever thought well of me in my life;

 He strips up his arm.

 Feed on this flesh, whose veins are not so dry,

But there is virtue left to comfort you.                               35

Oh, feed on this, if this will do you good,

I'll smile for joy, to see you suck my blood.

Leir.                       [Tenderly refusing.]

I am no cannibal, that I should delight

To slake my hungry jaws with human flesh:

I am no devil, or ten times worse than so,                       40

To suck the blood of such a peerless friend.

Oh, do not think that I respect my life

More dearly, than I do thy loyal love.

[Nostalgically lamenting.]

Ah, Britain, I shall never see thee more,

That hast unkindly banished thy king:                             45

And yet not thou dost make me to complain,

But they which were more near to me than thou.

Cordella.

What do I hear? this lamentable voice,

Methinks, ere now I oftentimes have heard.

Leir.

Ah, Gonorill, was half my kingdom's gift                          50

The cause that thou didst seek to have my life?

Ah, cruel Ragan, did I give thee all,

And all could not suffice without my blood?

Ah, poor Cordella, did I give thee naught,

Nor never shall be able for to give?                                  55

Oh, let me warn all ages that ensueth,

How they trust flattery, and reject the truth.

Well, unkind girls, I here forgive you both,

Yet the just heavens will hardly do the like;

And only crave forgiveness at the end                             60

Of God, whose majesty I have offended.

By my transgression many thousand ways:

Of good Cordella, whom for no occasion

I cast aside, through flatterers' persuasion;    65

Of thee, kind friend, who but for me, I know,

Hadst never come unto this place of woe.

Cordella.

Alack, that ever I should live to see

My noble father in this misery.

Gallian King.

Sweet love, reveal not what thou art as yet,                   70

Until we know the ground of all this ill.

Cordella.

Oh, but some meat, some meat: do you not see

How near they are to death for want of food?

Perillus.

Lord, which didst help thy servants at their need,

Or now or never send us help with speed.                      75

[Cordella steps forward with the basket

and sets up a picnic.]

 Oh, comfort, comfort! yonder is a banquet,

And men and women, my lord: be of good cheer:

For I see comfort coming very near.

O my lord, a banquet, and men and women!

Leir.

Oh, let kind pity mollify their hearts,                                  80

That they may help us in our great extremes.

Perillus.

God save you, friends; and if this blessed banquet

Affordeth any food or sustenance,

E’en for his sake that saved us all from death,

Vouchsafe to save us from the grip of famine.               85

 [Cordella invites Leir and Perillus to join them on the blanket.]

 Cordella.

Here, father, sit and eat; here sit and drink;

And would it were far better for your sakes!

 [Perillus takes Leir by the hand and

helps him sit down on the blanket.]

 Perillus.

I'll give you thanks anon: my friend doth faint,

And needeth present comfort.

 [Leir drinks.

 Mumford.

I warrant, he ne'er stays to say a grace:                          90

Oh, there's no sauce to a good stomach.

Perillus.

The blessed God of heaven hath thought upon us.

Leir.

The thanks be his, and these kind courteous folk,

By whose humanity we are preserv'd.

[They eat hungrily; Leir drinks.

Cordella.

And may that draught be unto him, as was

That which old Aeson[3] drank, which did renew

His withered age, and made him young again.

And may that meat be unto him, as was

That which Elias ate, in strength whereof

He walked forty days, and never fainted.                   100

[Aside to her husband.]

Shall I conceal me longer from my father?

Or shall I manifest myself to him?

Gallian King.

Forbear a while, until his strength return,

Lest being over-joy'd with seeing thee,

His poor weak senses should forsake their office,     105

And so our cause of joy be turned to sorrow,

Perillus.

What cheer, my lord? how do you feel yourself?

Leir.

Methinks, I never ate such savory meat:

It is as pleasant as the blessed manna,

That rain'd from heaven amongst the Israelites:  

It hath recalled my spirits home again,

And made me fresh, as erst I was before.

But how shall we congratulate their kindness?

Perillus.

In faith, I know not how sufficiently;

But the best mean that I can think on is                115

I'll offer them my doublet in requital;

For we have nothing else to spare but this.

Leir.

Nay, stay, Perillus, for they shall have mine.

Perillus.

Pardon, my lord, I swear they shall have mine.

 [Perillus proffers his doublet:

They will not take it.

Leir.

Ah, who would think such kindness should remain

Among such strange and unacquainted men:           121

And that such hate should harbor in the breast

Of those, which have occasion to be best?  

Cordella.

Ah, good old father, tell to me thy grief,

I'll sorrow with thee, if not add relief.  

Leir.

Ah, good young daughter, I may call thee so;

For thou art like a daughter I did owe.

Cordella.

Do you not owe her still? what, is she dead?

Leir.

No, God forbid: but all my interest's gone,

By showing myself too much unnatural:

So have I lost the title of a father,

And may be call'd a stranger to her rather.

Cordella.

Your title's good still: for 'tis always known,

A man may do as he list with his own. '

But have you but one daughter then in all?             135

Leir.

Yes, I have more by two, than would I had.

Cordella.

O, say not so, but rather see the end;

They that are bad, may have the grace to mend:

But how have they offended you so much?

Leir.

If from the first I should relate the cause,  

'T would make a heart of adamant to weep;

And thou, poor soul, kind-hearted as thou art,

Dost weep already, ere I do begin.

Cordella.

For God's love tell it; and when you have done,

I'll tell the reason why I weep so soon.                     145

Leir.

Then know this first, I am a Briton born,

And had three daughters by one loving wife:

And though I say it, of beauty they were sped;

Especially the youngest of the three,

For her perfections hardly match'd could be.            150

On these I doted with a jealous love,

And thought to try which of them lov'd me best,

By asking them, which would do most for me?

The first and second flatter'd me with words,

And vow'd they lov'd me better than their lives:      155

The youngest said, she “lov'd me as a child

Might do”: her answer I esteem'd most vile,

And presently in an outrageous mood,

I turn'd her from me to go sink or swim:

And all I had, e’en to the very clothes,                     160

I gave in dowry with the other two:

And she that best deserv'd the greatest share,

I gave her nothing, but disgrace and care.

Now mark the sequel: when I had done thus,

I sojourned in my eldest daughter's house,  

Where for a time I was entreated well,

And liv'd in state sufficing my content:

But, every day her kindness did grow cold,

Which I with patience put up well enough,

And seemed not to see the things I saw:  

But, at the last, she grew so far incensed

With moody fury, and with causeless hate,

That in most vile and contumelious terms,

She bade me pack, and harbor somewhere else.

Then was I fain for refuge to repair                           175

Unto my other daughter for relief;

Who gave me pleasing and most courteous words;

But in her actions showed herself so sore,

As never any daughter did before!

She prayed me one bleak morning out swiftly go      180

To a dark thicket two miles from the court,

Pointing that there she would come talk with me:

There she had set a shag-hair'd murd'ring wretch,

To massacre my honest friend and me.

Then judge yourself, although my tale be brief,  

If ever man had greater cause of grief.

Gallian King.

Nor never like impiety was done,

Since the creation of the world begun.

Leir.

And now I am constrain'd to seek relief

Of her, to whom I have been so unkind;                 190

Whose censure, if it do award me death,

I must confess she pays me but my due:

But if she show a loving daughter's part,

It comes of God and her, not my desert.

Cordella.

No doubt she will, I dare be sworn she will.         195

Leir.                                      [Sadly chuckling.]

How know you that, not knowing what she is?

Cordella.

Myself a father have a great way hence,

Us'd me as ill as ever you did her;

Yet, that his reverend age I once might see,

I'd creep along to meet him on my knee.              200

Leir.

Oh, no men's children are unkind but mine.

Cordella.

Condemn not all, because of others' crime:  

But look, dear father, look, behold and see;  

Thy loving daughter speaketh unto thee.

[She kneels.

Leir.

Oh, stand thou up, it is my part to kneel,              205

And ask forgiveness for my former faults.

[He kneels.

Cordella.

Oh, if you wish I should enjoy my breath,

Dear father rise, or I receive my death.

[She riseth.

Leir.

Then I will rise to satisfy your mind,

[He riseth.

But kneel again, till pardon be resigned.

[He kneels.

Cordella.

I pardon you: the word beseems not me:

But I do say so, for to ease your knee;

You gave me life, you were the cause that I

Am what I am, who else had never been.  

 Leir.

But you gave life to me and to my friend,             215

Whose days had else had an untimely end.

Cordella.

You brought me up, whenas I was but young,

And far unable for to help myself.

Leir.

I cast thee forth, whenas thou wast but young,

And far unable for to help thyself.                          220

Cordella.

God, world, and nature, say I do you wrong,

That can endure to see you kneel so long.

Gallian King.

Let me break off this loving controversy,

Which doth rejoice my very soul to see.

Good father, rise, she is your loving daughter,

[He riseth.

And honors you with as respective duty,

As if you were the monarch of the world.

Cordella.

But I will never rise from off my knee,

[She kneels.

Until I have your blessing, and your pardon

Of all my faults committed any way,                      230

From my first birth unto this present day.

Leir.

The blessing, which the God of Abraham gave

Unto the tribe of Judah, light on thee,

And multiply thy days, that thou may'st see

Thy children's children prosper after thee.           235

Thy faults, which are just none that I do know,

God pardon on high, and I forgive below.

[She riseth.

Cordella.

Now is my heart at quiet, and doth leap

Within my breast, for joy of this good hap:

And now, dear father, welcome to our court,       240

And welcome, kind Perillus, unto me,

Mirror of virtue and true honesty.

Leir.

Oh, he hath been the kindest friend to me,

That ever man had in adversity.

Perillus.  

My tongue doth fail, to say what heart doth think  

I am so ravish'd with exceeding joy.       246

Gallian King.

All you have spoke: now let me speak my mind,

And in few words much matter here conclude:

[He kneels.

If e'er my heart do harbor any joy,

Or true content repose within my breast               250

Till I have rooted out this viperous sect,

And repossessed my father of his crown,

Let me be counted for the perjur'd'st man,

That ever spake word since the world began.

[Rises.

Mumford.

Let me pray too, that never prayed before;          255

[Mumford kneels.

If ere I re-salute the British earth,

(As, ere't be long, I do presume I shall)

And do return from thence without my wench,

Let me be gelded for my recompense.

[Rises.

 Gallian King.

Come, let's to arms for to redress this wrong:         260

Till I am there, methinks the time seems long.  

 Exeunt.

ACT V. SCENE V. A room in the royal palace of Cambria.

 Enter Ragan sola.

Ragan.

I feel a hell of conscience in my breast,

Tormenting me with horror for my fact,

And makes me in an agony of doubt,

For fear the world should find my dealing out.

The slave whom I appointed for the act,                          5

I ne'er set eye upon the peasant since:

Oh, could I get him for to make him sure,

My doubts would cease, and I should rest secure.

But if the old men, with persuasive words,

Have sav'd their lives, and made him to relent;              10

Then are they fled unto the court of France,

And like a trumpet manifest my shame.

A shame on these white-liver'd slaves, say I,

That with fair words so soon are overcome.

O God, that I had been but made a man;                        15

Or that my strength were equal with my will!

These foolish men are nothing but mere pity,

And melt as butter doth against the sun.

Why should they have pre-eminence over us,

Since we are creatures of more brave resolve?             20

I swear, I am quite out of charity

With all the heartless men in Christendom.

A pox upon them all!  They are afraid

To give a stab, or slit a paltry wind-pipe,

Which are such easy matters to be done.                       25

Well, had I thought the slave would serve me so,

Myself would have been executioner:

'Tis now undone, and if that it be known,

I'll make as good shift as I can for one.

He that repines at me, howe'r it stands,                           30

[She draws her dagger and slashes her imaginary foe.]

 'Twere best for him to keep him from my hands.

 Exit.

ACT V. SCENE VI. A Port of Gallia.

 Sounds drums and trumpets: Enter the Gallian King, Cordella, Leir, Perillus, Mumford, and the army.

 Gallian King.

Thus have we brought our army to the sea,  

Whereas our ships are ready to receive us:

The wind stands fair, and we in four hours' sail,

May easily arrive on British shore,

Where unexpected we may them surprise,                     5

And gain a glorious victory with ease.

Wherefore, my loving countrymen, resolve,

Since truth and justice fighteth on our sides,

That we shall march with conquest where we go.

Myself will be as forward as the first,                                10

And step by step march with the hardiest wight:

And not the meanest soldier in our camp

Shall be in danger, but I'll second him.

[To Mumford.]

To you, my lord, we give the whole command

Of all the army, next unto ourself;                                     15

Not doubting of you, but you will extend

Your wonted valor in this needful case,

Encouraging the rest to do the like,

By your approved magnanimity.

Mumford.

My liege, 'tis needless to spur a willing horse,                20

That's apt enough to run himself to death;

For here I swear by that sweet saint's bright eyes,

Which are the stars, which guide me to good hap,

[He raises Leir’s arm in a sign of victory.]

Either to see my old lord crown'd anew,

Or in his cause to bid the world adieu.                             25

[All cheer.]

Leir.

Thanks, good lord Mumford, 'tis more your good will,

Than any merit or desert in me.

Mumford.

And now to you, my worthy countrymen,

Ye valiant race of Genovestan Gauls,

Surnamed Red-shanks, for your chivalry,                       30

Because you fight up to the shanks in blood;

Show yourselves now to be right Gauls indeed,

And be so bitter on your enemies,

That they may say, you are as bitter as gall.

[All cheer.]

Gall them, brave shot, with your artillery:                        35

[All cheer.]

Gall them, brave halberts, with your sharp point bills,

[All cheer.]

Each in their 'pointed place, not one, but all,

Fight for the credit of yourselves and Gaul.

[All cheer.]

Gallian King.

Then what should more persuasion need to those,

That rather wish to deal, than hear of blows?                 40

Let's to our ships, and if that God permit,

In four hours' sail, I hope we shall be there.

Mumford.

And in five hours more, I make no doubt,

But we shall bring our wish'd desires about.

 [All cheer and Exeunt.]

  ACT V. SCENE VII. The ramparts of Dover.

 Enter a Captain of the Watch,

and two Watchmen.

 First Captain.

My honest friends, it is your turn to-night,

To watch in this place, near about the beacon,

And vigilantly have regard,

If any fleet of ships pass hitherward:

Which if you do, your office is to fire                                 5

The beacon presently, and raise the town.

 [Exit.

 First Watchman.

Ay, ay, ay, fear nothing; we know our charge, I warrant:

I have been a watchman about this beacon this thirty year, and yet I ne'er see it stir, but stood as quietly as might be.                                                                  10

Second Watchman.

Faith, neighbor, and you'll follow my 'vice, instead of

watching the beacon, we'll go to goodman Jennings, and

watch a pot of ale and a rasher of bacon: and if we do

not drink ourselves drunk, then so; I warrant, the beacon will see us when we come out again.                          15

First Watchman.

Ay, but how if somebody excuse us to the captain?

Second Watchman.

'Tis no matter, I'll prove by good reason that we watch the beacon: ass for example ---

First Watchman.

I hope you do not call me ass by craft, neighbor.

Second Watchman.

No, no, but for example: say here stands the pot of ale; that's the beacon.                                                              22

First Watchman.

Ay, ay, 'tis a very good beacon.

Second Watchman.

Well, say here stands your nose, that's the fire.

First Watchman.

Indeed, I must confess, 'tis somewhat red.                     25

Second Watchman.

I see come marching in a dish half a score pieces of salt

bacon.

First Watchman.

I understand your meaning, that's as much as to say,

half a score ships.

Second Watchman.

True, you conster right; presently, like a faithful watchman, I fire the beacon, and call up the town.

First Watchman.

Ay, that's as much as to say, you set your nose to the pot, and drink up the drink.                                                 33

Second Watchman.

You are in the right; come, let's go fire the beacon.

 Exeunt.

 ACT V. SCENE VIII. Before the walls of Dover.

 Enter the King of Gallia with a still march, Mumford and soldiers.

 Gallian King.

Now march our ensigns on the British earth,

And we are near approaching to the town:

Then look about you, valiant countrymen,

And we shall finish this exploit with ease.

The inhabitants of this mistrustful place                           5

Are dead asleep, as men that are secure:

Here shall we skirmish but with naked men,

Devoid of sense, new waked from a dream,

That know not what our coming doth portend,

Till they do feel our meaning on their skins:                    10

Therefore assail: God and our right for us.

 [Exeunt.

 ACT V. SCENE IX. An open place in Dover.

 Alarm, with men and women half naked: Enter two Captains without doublets, with swords.

 First Captain.

Where are these villains that were set to watch,

And fire the beacon, if occasion served,

That thus have suffered us to be surprised,

And never given notice to the town?

We are betrayed, and quite devoid of hope,                   5

By any means to fortify ourselves.

Second Captain.

'Tis ten to one the peasants are o'ercome

With drink and sleep, and so neglect their charge.

First Captain.

A whirl-wind carry them quick to a whirl-pool,

That there the slaves may drink their bellies full.           10

Second Captain.

This 'tis, to have the beacon so near the ale-house.

 Enter the Watchmen drunk, with each a pot.

 First Captain.

Out on ye, villains, whither run you now?

First Watchman.

To fire the town, and call up the beacon.

Second Watchman.

No, no, sir, to fire the beacon, and throw-up the town.

He drinks.

Second Captain.

What, with a pot of ale, you drunken rogues?                15

First Captain.

You'll fire the beacon, when the town is lost:

I'll teach you how to tend your office better.

 Drives to stab them.

Enter Mumford, Captains run away.

 Mumford.

Yield, yield, yield.

 He kicks down their pots.

 First Watchman.

Reel? no, we do not reel: May you lack a pot of ale ere you die.                                                                                                20

 [The watchmen charge Mumford from both sides; he ducks; they collide in a drunken do-si-do and fall to the ground unconscious.]

 Mumford.

But in mean space, I answer, you want none.  Well, there's no dealing with you, y'are tall men, and well

weapon' d; I would there were no worse than you in the town!

Exit Mumford.

   Second Watchman.

A speaks like an honest man, my choler's past

already.  Come, neighbor, let's go.                                   26

First Watchman.

Nay, first let's see and we can stand.

 [They crawl to each other and linking their arms back-to-back slowly manage to stand.]

 Exeunt.

Alarum, excursions, Mumford after them, and some half naked.

 ACT V. SCENE X. An open place in Dover.

 Enter the Gallian King, Leir, Mumford, Cordella, Perillus, and soldiers, with the Mayor of Dover bound.

 Gallian King.

Fear not, my friends, you shall receive no hurt,

If you'll subscribe unto your lawful king,

And quite revoke your fealty from Cambria,

And from aspiring Cornwall too, whose wives

Have practis'd treason 'gainst their father's life.             5

We come in justice of your wronged king,

And do intend no harm at all to you,

So you submit unto your lawful king.

Leir.

Kind countrymen, it grieves me, that perforce,

I am constrain'd to use extremities.                                  10

Mayor of Dover.

Long have you here been look'd for, good my lord,

And wish'd for by a general consent:

And had we known your highness had arrived,

We had not made resistance to your grace:

And now, my gracious lord, you need not doubt,           15

But all the country will yield presently,

Which since your absence have been greatly taxed,

For to maintain their over-swelling pride.

We'll presently send word to all our friends;

When they have notice, they will come apace.               20

Leir.

Thanks, loving subjects; and thanks, worthy son,

Thanks, my kind daughter, thanks to you, my lord,

Who willingly adventured (sans desert)

To do me so much good.

Mumford.

                                               Oh, say not so:                     25

I have been much beholding to your grace:

I must confess, I have been in some brawls,

But I was never in the like to this!

For where I was wont to meet with armed men,

I now was encountered with naked women!                   30

Cordella.

We that are feeble, and want use of arms,

Will pray to God, to shield you from all harms.

Leir.

The while your hands do manage ceaseless toil,

Our hearts shall pray, the foes may have the foil.

Perillus.

We'll fast and pray, whilst you for us do fight,                 35

That victory may prosecute the right.

Gallian King.

Methinks, your words do amplify (my friends)

And add fresh vigor to my willing limbs:

 [Drum.

 But hark, I hear the adverse drum approach.

God and our right, saint Denis, and saint George.         40

Enter Cornwall, Cambria, Gonorill, Ragan, and the army.

 Cornwall.

Presumptuous king of Gauls, how darest thou

Presume to enter on our British shore?

And more than that, to take our towns perforce,

And draw our subjects’ hearts from their true king?

Be sure to buy it at as dear a price,                                  45

As e'er you bought presumption in your lives.

Gallian King.

O'er-daring Cornwall, know, we came in right,

And just revengement of the wronged king,

Whose daughters there, fell vipers, as they are,

Have sought to murder and deprive of life!                     50

But God protected him from all their spite,

And we are come in justice of his right.

Cambria.

Nor he, nor thou, have any interest here,

But what you win and purchase with the sword.

Thy slanders to our noble virtuous queens,                    55

We'll in the battle thrust them down thy throat,

Except for fear of our revenging hands,

Thou fly to sea, as not secure on lands.

Mumford.

Welshman, I’ll so ferret you ere night for those words,

that you shall have no mind to croak so well this twelve month.                                                                                 60

Gonorill.

They lie, that say, we sought our father's death.

Ragan.

'Tis merely forged for a colour's sake,

To set a gloss on your invasion.

Methinks, an old man ready for to die,

Should be asham'd to broach so foul a lie.                      65

Cordella.

Fie, shameless sister, so devoid of grace,

To call our father liar to his face.

Gonorill.

Peace, puritan, dissembling hypocrite,

Which art so good, that thou wilt prove stark naught  

Anon, when as I have you in my grasp,                          70

I'll make you wish yourself in purgatory.

Perillus.

Nay, peace, thou monster, - shame unto thy sex -

Thou fiend in likeness of a human bitch!

Ragan.

I never heard a fouler spoken man, -

Leir.

Out on thee, viper, scum, filthy parricide,                        75

More odious to my sight than is a toad:

[Leir pulls out Ragan’s letters.]

Knowest thou these letters?

 [She snatches them and tears them.

 Ragan.

Think you to outface me with your paltry scrolls?

You come to drive my husband from his right,

Under the color of a forged letter.                                     80

Leir.

Who ever heard the like impiety?

 Perillus.

You are our debtor of more patience:

We were more patient when we stay'd for you,

Within the thicket two long hours and more.

Ragan.

What hours? what thicket?                                                 85

Perillus.

There, where you sent your servant with your letters,

Seal'd with your hand, to send us both to heaven,

Where, as I think, you never mean to come.

Ragan.

Alas, you’re grown a child again with age,

Or else your senses dote for want of sleep.                    90

Perillus.

Indeed you made us rise betimes, you know.

Yet had a care we should sleep where you bade us stay,

But never wake more till the latter day.

Gonorill.

Peace, peace, old fellow, thou art sleepy still.

Mumford.                             [To Perillus.]

Faith, and if you reason till to-morrow, you get no other

answer at their hands.

[To all.]

'Tis pity two such good faces should have so little grace between them.

Well, let’s see if their husbands with their hands

Can do as much as they do with their tongues.

[Ragan pushes her husband forward.]

Ragan.

Ay, with their swords they'll make your tongues unsay

What they have said, or else they'll cut them out.

Gallian King.

To't, gallants, to't, let's not stand brawling thus.

 [All cheer.]

[Exeunt both armies.

     ACT V. SCENE XI. A Battlefield outside the walls of Dover.

 Sound Alarum: excursions.

Mumford chases Cambria away:

Then the Alarums cease.

 Enter Cornwall alone.

 Cornwall.

The day is lost, our friends do all revolt,

And join against us with the adverse part:

There is no means of safety but by flight,

And therefore, I'll to Cornwall with my queen.

 [Exit Cornwall.

 Enter Cambria.

Cambria.

I think, there is a devil in the camp hath haunted

me to-day: he hath so tired me, that in a manner I can

fight no more.                                                                       7

Enter Mumford.

 Zounds!  here he comes, I'll take me to my horse.

 [Exit Cambria.

 [Mumford chases him to the door

And then returns.

 Mumford.

Farewell, Welshman, give thee but thy due,

Thou hast a light and nimble pair of legs:  

Thou art more in debt to them than to thy hands:

But if I meet thee once again to-day,

I'll cut them off, and set them to a better heart.

 Exit.

 ACT V. SCENE XII. The Same.

Alarums and excursions; then sound victory. Enter Leir, Perillus, Gallian King, Cordella, and Mumford.

 Gallian King.

Thanks be to God, your foes are overcome,

And you again possessed of your right.

Leir.

First to the heavens; next, thanks to you, my son,

By whose good means I repossess the same:

Which if it please you to accept yourself,                         5

With all my heart I will resign to you:

For it is yours by right, and none of mine.

First, have you raised, at your own charge, a power

Of valiant soldiers; this comes all from you;

Next have you ventur'd your own person's scathe;        10

And lastly, worthy Gallia never stain'd,

My kingly title I by thee have gain'd.

Gallian King.

Thank heavens, not me, my zeal to you is such,

Command my utmost, I will ne’er begrudge.

Cordella.

He that with all kind love entreats his queen,                  15

Will not be to her father unkind seen.

Leir.

Ah, my Cordella, now I call to mind,

The modest answer, which I took unkind:

But now I see, I am no whit beguil'd,

Thou lovedst me dearly, and as ought a child.               20

And thou, Perillus, partner once in woe,

Thee to requite, the best I can, I'll do!

Yet all I can, ay, were it ne'er so much,

Were not sufficient, thy true love is such.

Thanks, worthy Mumford, to thee last of all,                   25

Not greeted last 'cause thy desert was small;

No, thou hast lion-like laid on to-day,

Chasing the Cornwall king and Cambria away;

Who with my daughters, daughters did I say?

To save their lives, the fugitives did play.                        30

Come, son and daughter, who did me advance,

Repose with me awhile, and then for France.

 [All cheer.]

[Sound drums and trumpets.

Exeunt.

 Finis.

 APPENDIX:

by Sidney Lee - 1908

 THE following is the full text of Warner's story of King Lear as narrated in his Albion's England, Bk. III. ch. xiv. (1586), which was clearly very familiar to the old dramatist.  (See Introduction, p. xxxi.) The spelling is modernized.

 About a thirty years and five did Leir rule this land

When, doting on his daughters three, with them he fell in

                                                                               hand

To tell how much they loved him. The eldest did esteem

Her life inferior to her love; so did the second deem.

The youngest said her love was such as did a child                                                                                      behoove,

And that how much himself was worth, so much she him

                                                                               did love.

The foremost two did please him well; the youngest did

                                                                               not so;

Upon the prince of Albany the first he did bestow;

The middle on the Cornish prince; their dowry was his

                                                                               throne

At his decease; Cordella's part was very small or none.

Yet for her form and virtuous life a noble Gallian king

Did her, undowed, for his queen into his country bring.

 Her sisters, sick of father's health, their husbands by                                                                                   consent

Did join in arms; from Leir so by force the sceptre went;

Yet, for they promise pensions large, he rather was                                                                                     content.

In Albany the quondam king at eldest daughter's court

Was settled scarce, when she repines and lessens still                                                                               his port.

His second daughter then, he thought, would show                                                                      herself more kind;

To whom he, going, for a while did frank allowance find.

Ere long, abridging almost all, she keepeth him so low,

That of two bads, for better's choice, he back again did                                                                               go.

But Gonorill at his return not only did attempt

Her father's death, but openly did hold him in contempt.

His aged eyes pour out their tears, when holding up his

                                                                               hands,

He said: " O God, whoso thou art, that my good hap

                                                                               withstands,

Prolong not life, defer not death, myself I overlive,

When those, that owe to me their lives, to me my death

                                                                               would give.

Thou town, whose walls rose of my wealth, stand                                                                               evermore to tell

Thy founder's fall, and warn that none do fall as Leir fell.

Bid none any in friends, for say, his children wrought his

                                                                               wrack;

Yea, those that were to him most dear did loathe and let

                                                                               him lack.

Cordella, well Cordella said, she loved me as a child;

But sweeter words we seek than sooth, and so are men

                                                                               beguiled.

She only rests untried yet; but what may I expect

From her to whom I nothing gave, when these do me

                                                                               reject?

Then die, nay try, the rule may fail and Nature may                                                                                      ascend,

Nor are they ever surest friends on whom we most do                                                                                 spend."

He ships himself to Gallia then, but maketh known

                                                                               before

Unto Cordella his estate, who rueth him so poor,

And kept his there arrival close till she provided had

To furnish him in every want. Of him her king was glad,

And nobly entertained him; the queen, with tears among,

Her duty done, conferreth with her father of his wrong.

Such duty, bounty, kindness and increasing love he                                                                                     found

In that his daughter and her lord, that sorrows more                                                                                     abound

For his unkindly using her, than for the others' crime;

And kinglike thus in Agamp's court did Leir dwell, till

                                                                               time

The noble king his son-in-law transports an army great

Of forcy Gauls, possessing him of dispossessed seat.

To whom Cordella did succeed, not reigning long in                                                                                     queat.

Not how her nephews war on her and one of them

                                                                               slew t'other

Shall follow; but I will disclose a most tyrannous mother.

             Warner, omitting several generations, proceeds to tell the tale of Iden, the cruel wife of king Gorboduc, and mother of Ferrex and Porrex.

     January 1908

   [1] prompt and eager.

[2] Parlous is both a synonym and a derivative of perilous; it came to be as an alteration of perilous in Middle English. (Webster.) 

[3] Jason’s father, he regained his youth after drinking an elixir prepared by Medea.

[limetimo]

RAB fics this week (11-17 April)

when you were in scrubs by anauro, battlehamster Them crazy, amazing fuckers just went and wrote a crossover of their fics. Recovering addict James who's dating doctor Regulus went into coma and dreamed up the When You Were Mine universe where they're married and he's a successful writer and Regulus is his trophy husband former criminal. Wig snatched, can't wait for more!

anywhere i want (just not home) by squide ugh so. good. The Black Brothers drift apart. The events of That Night (the night Sirius run away) are kept a mystery. Regulus runs away to live with Andromeda, gets a boyfriend, befriends Pan and couple more people,,, Jegulus also, and my favourite subplot is Peter's family being Irish Nacionalists. Go, my boy, go, inherit a mob from your grandpa ♥

Crepuscular by EmptySurface Fem!Harry (still named Harry) is badassing in the 1970s. She adopts 15yo Regulus but poor boy has so many issues from living with Orion and Walburga he misunderstands one of their conversations and thinks Harry is kicking him out and joins the DEs anyway. Harry needs a big nap!

Did You Miss Me? by Fantismal, Krethes Wolfstar and Jily are the focus but Regulus has a small but important presence!

Trials and Tribulations by lemon_drps Regulus is under a lot of pressure, gay and high and also a pretty shit person. I love him your honour

Diptych by pansysnarkinson Regulus is given the Tom Riddle Diary!

All The Lonely People by tinyscales ACCIDENTAL BABY ACQUISITION VIA ROOM OF REQUIREMENT also I don't say this often but fuck McGonagall, I know what she's trying to do but she's NOT being helpful.

movement by oceanicfeelings Regulus secretly worked with James on finding the Horcruxes but then got stuck in the cave in 1979 but James survived Voldy and found Regulus in like '83 and now htey're going to break out Sirius ad kidnap Harry and kill Voldy for good ♥

yours for the night by willowjh slowburn Remus/Regulus I enjoy them very much

Star Stepper by Ourania95 14yo Regulus runs away from home and putters around the muggle London I want to squish him ♥♥♥

nobody heard him by potterprongs everything's changing when Sirius starts Hogwarts, and even more when Regulus joins him there. idk how to describe this well but if you like baby faced Regulus you're going to enjoy this one!

In All Your Gorgeous Colours by AlexSW97 Regulus is outed as gay and runs away to the Potters. Very Sad but also very - just prepare some sweets and tissues.

Airplanes with the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black by rsbarelle Remus takes the Black Brothers on a muggle airplane. Instant regret. I laughed :D

Denebola Black by rsbarelle I'm gonna fucking cry guys. Black Brothers as seen by Denebola, Sirius teddybear he got from Andy when they were little. My. fucking. heart. Read it and cry.

Retribution by Kira_readsbooks James got hit by a Bludger and takes Regulus down with him. They're both really injured and about to spend a lot of time at the Hospital wing together. Also PAndalily!

The Blood In Your Mouth by moonysmirrorball homoerotic detective James x assassin for hire Regulus

when you were mine by battlehamster at this point needs no introducing. little shit Regulus, single dad James, let the magic happen ♥

My Jamie by Kira_readsbooks Marauders era, Regulus is a part of Order and leaves for a mission and James decides to go ring shopping! But will Regulus come back from the mission in one piece?!

From Moony to Dada to Horcrux Hunter by Look_A_User_Name uuh evil Dumbledore, Sirius and Regulus can do Mpreg and they DO do Mpreg (Sirius has a son with Remus (who didn't know it was his) and Regulus with Severus)... lots of shit happens, It's pretty good you should give it a go!

No Better Place To Be by britishgaychild James used to date Regulus and Barty and Evan but broke up with them when they joined Death Eaters. Now they're murdering Voldy and decided to invite their ex for the ride :D

[supercasey]

Dumb thoughts on the Child Avatars AU

I dunno, just some dumb ideas I’ve had since I started talking about the AU online/brainstorming about it. (Putting it under a readmore for everyone’s sake)

The “Daisy kidnaps Jon” situation in this AU is Daisy riding her bike to Simon Fairchild’s mansion, holding a water-gun up to both Mike and Jon’s heads, and ordering them to ride with her to the grocery store to buy soda and hang out at a nearby playground for the day. Cue Elias flipping tf out when Jon isn’t at Simon’s place when he goes to pick him up later, Simon being half asleep because he was napping while the kids hung out, and Mike getting soaked by Daisy before he agrees to go with her, and since this happens in, like, late fall or early winter, he gets pneumonia afterwards and can’t hang out for awhile, leading to the kids jokingly saying he’s dead. Btw the only reason the trio was found is because Basira was invited after they made it to the park, and she convinced Daisy to let the boys go home. Daisy literally only kidnapped them because she wanted to play with someone.

Also the Buried!Daisy arc is Daisy getting eaten by a Buried controlled sandbox and Jon jumping in after her. The rest of the kids, who thankfully witnessed this, spent the next three hours digging for them, with Breekon & Hope eventually joining in to help since they were in the area. Daisy and Jon form a trauma bond afterwards and are now best friends.

Jon keeps getting marked by shit and it’s stressing Elias out because hE’S NOT READY FOR THE WATCHER’S CROWN YET!!! He needs more time to prepare, but his son is literally getting marked faster than fucking Sonic.

Speaking of Sonic, seeing as the “Console Wars” (Sega vs Nintendo) are happening during this time period, the kids take the rivalry Very Seriously. The biggest arguments are had between Sasha, Daisy, Julia, and Mike, who are all on Team Sega, and Jon, Martin, Tim, and Danny, who are all on Team Nintendo.

Sasha, close to tears she’s so angry: “Sega DO what NintenDON’T, Tim!!!”

When Martin was born, he only had one thick clump of curly hair that was white, but as he’s grown older and entered the Lonely multiple times, more of his hair has begun to turn white. As of the time of the AU “starting” (so when he’s 8 years old), he looks like he has white highlights in his hair.

Trevor isn’t a fully-fledged Hunt avatar yet, but the girls more or less are, so if you’ve ever watched Wolf Children, that’s pretty much the situation Trevor is currently trapped in. His daughters keeping changing into wolf pups and running wild as he frantically tries to hide their powers from anyone who isn’t Gerry.

(All of the kids secretly know already, even Basira.)

Basira is pretty much the only “normal” kid of the avatar children, save MAYBE for Tim, but he’s been deeply marked by the circus and has a few tiny powers (think S3 Jon as he was figuring out some of his powers, but wasn’t a full-on Archivist just yet).

The season 1 gang (including Danny) are the closest group of friends in the AU, save for Daisy and Basira’s friendship, and they hang out a lot at each other’s homes on the weekends.

Adelard usually brings Jane with him for his “trips” away from the institute, so it’s not unusual for her to be gone for long periods of time. But she always sends postcards and gifts to the institute for everyone!

Helen is three years old, so theoretically she should be able to talk, but she rarely does so, preferring to communicate via giggles and laughter. Only Jon, the Stoker brothers, and Michael can understand her, and they take turns translating for everyone else.

Whenever she’s brought to the institute, Helen takes to toddling around after Jon and Martin, giggling up a storm the whole time. Jon finds it a bit annoying while Martin is endlessly amused by her antics.

A list of the guardian’s/adult’s ages before I fucking forget (as of when the AU “starts” in 1994): Gertrude Robinson - 62, Elias Bouchard “Jonah Magnus” - 51 (200+), Peter Lukas - 55, Simon Fairchild - 83 (300+), Gerard “Gerry” Keay - 30, Michael Shelley - 32, Alfred Grifter - Unknown, Adelard Dekker - 48, Nikola Orsinov - 30ish (100+), Annabelle Cane - 34 (Unknown), Trevor Herbert - 47, Agnes Montague - 25ish (60+), Jude Perry - 35, Jared Hopworth - 29, The Admiral - 10.

The “good” parents all keep trying to set up some kind of PTA meeting so they can actually talk about how to raise these supernatural kids properly, but it keeps going horribly wrong; last time they tried, Alfred Grifter and his band showed up and nearly made Simon go deaf, so no one wants to initiate the next attempt at a meeting.

Tbh, at this point the Fear rituals are more successful than Elias’s shitty attempts at forming a PTA.

At some point in the AU Gerry, Michael, and Trevor all pitch in to buy a decently big house together, which leads to some serious Shenanigans now that Melanie is around Michael and Trevor’s kids/wards... let’s just say there’s gonna be a lot of knife related accidents.

Gerry taught Melanie how to fight when he took her in and it is the single worst decision he’s ever made in his short, goth life, even if he’ll never admit it. Melanie can now beat the shit out of everyone but Julia and Daisy, and it’s pure chaos every time. Tim puts up a decent fight, but he’s been spoiled on easy wins over his brother all his life. Jon tries and fails to so much as push her. Martin runs away crying before Melanie even throws the first punch. Needless to say, the other kids are very cautious about playing with Melanie now.

None of the kids have an education of any kind except for Mike. I’m serious; the only kid who’s decently educated is being raised by Foxy Grandpa Off His Shits McGee! Julia and Daisy have had some public education but not much, Elias refuses to do anything but home-school Jon yet he sucks shit at math, Tim and Danny don’t even know what a school fucking looks like, Melanie and Jane were too young to go to school when they became avatars, Martin has only recently been allowed near other kids so fuck public school (Peter can do math but Nothing Else), Annabelle fucking forgot to give Sasha any kind of an education outside of Web stuff, and Helen is still a very small child. None of these kids have gone to school for more than a few years at most and dear g-d is that gonna suck for them later down the line.

As a result of this, Basira has taught the other kids a few things when she’s come over and insisted on playing “school” with everyone, but she’s still just a kid and can’t always get them to pay attention during her lessons.

Because of this Rosie, Gerry, Michael, and Gertrude have all started making an effort to more or less home-school all of the kids, which has gone... well enough, I suppose. However, things have recently taken a weird turn since Jon keeps giving everyone the answers to assignments/tests via telepathy.

Jon: Whoa, you can make tea all by yourself, Martin!? Martin: Yeah, I’ve been doing it by myself since I was a toddler. I can also do laundry, mop floors, vacuum, and cook a few things, too! Tim: Wow, that’s really cool, Martin! I wish I could do stuff like that. Gertrude, off to the side: *Gives Peter a horrified look* I’m sorry, but did Martin just say he’s been making tea on his own since he was a toddler? Peter:  ╮(╯ _╰ )╭  Unfortunately, I’m severely depressed.

Yeeeeeeeah, Martin’s in a similar childhood situation to his canon one, but at least there are people actually willing to help him out of it in this universe. Also, Peter will clean himself up at some point here, he’s just still dealing with more or less disowning himself from his family and learning hoe to not be so lonely.

Speaking Of Which, the Lukas family are pretty big antagonists in this AU, primarily through Peter’s mother (I’ll come up with a name for her later if I can’t find it on the wiki), who is trying to kidnap Martin and more or less feed him to the Lonely so Peter will get over his “childish feelings” and return to being her favorite child.

And yes, she DOES accidentally kidnap Jon instead at some point... this kid can literally not avoid getting kidnapped.

I like to think Mike and Julia are really good friends in this AU, being the closest in age and all. They hang out a lot since their dads are both so chill and won’t get upset about it, the two of them mostly just playing video games, watching movies, and biking around their respective neighborhoods together.

(Also they may or may not be responsible for a statement that involves a woman seeing a “flying wolf” passing over London... they’ve yet to confess to it, but Elias is dead certain they’re behind the incident.)

The worms incident is 100% Jane’s secret worm collection getting fucking loose... she was keeping them in the walls “for safe keeping” and No One Fucking Knew, not even Elias, until Jon saw a spider, punched the wall, and Revealed them.

Jon and Tim got their scars because Jane lost control of the worms and they burrowed into the kids. Cue a very panicked 999 call from someone in the institute and Child Services almost getting involved, but Elias managed to cover it up.

Afterwards, Jon is incredibly self-conscious about his worm scars, but Martin tells him “now we both have freckles!” and it honestly makes him feel a little better about the whole thing.

Also Adelard makes an effort to track down a child psychologist/counselor with institute ties so he can get Jane some therapy/help controlling her powers. He loves her to the moon and back, and he’s terrified of her getting traumatized by what she accidentally did.

During the incident, a Notthem gets loose from Artifact Storage and attacks Sasha, but seeing as Sasha is of the Web and the Notthem is connected to a Web artifact, it only manages to really hurt her, but thankfully not kill her. She ends up hospitalized for a few weeks, but comes out fine later on. The table mysteriously disappears afterwards, and no one knows if it was Gertrude or Annabelle’s doing, but either way, the kids never have to deal with a Notthem again.

At some point I wanna get into Jon’s paranoia in season 2 for this AU, but I’m considering changing it from being because of the Jane Prentiss issue to be because of Mr. Spider almost killing him. I dunno how exactly it’ll play out, but I think it has a lot of potential!

Okay, before I end this post full of weird rambling ideas for the AU, I wanna make a list of the powers that the kids have at the time of the story “starting”/the ones they develop down the line because Jonny Sims himself said that all avatars have different powers, and I really wanna infodump on my thoughts for the kids!

Current powers of Jonathan Sims-Bouchard: Can simply know things whenever he wants to (so long as the Eye lets him, but the Eye sometimes keeps him from knowing anything he isn’t mature enough to handle), can compel people to tell him things (the other kids are better at resisting it, and so are other people touched by the Eye), can survive on very little food if he’s fed mostly statements/other people’s trauma, can non-consensually feel the pain and emotions of the people around him, has some weak telepathy powers, and he can subconsciously summon tape recorders.

Future powers of Jonathan Sims-Bouchard: Increased healing abilities, can know most anything if he tries, ability to resist other Eye avatars’ compulsions, can survive purely off of statements/other people’s trauma, can choose whether or not to feel the pain and emotions of the people around him, has much stronger telepathy powers than before, can force himself into people’s minds and read their thoughts, and he can summon tape recorders at will (though some still show up without his knowledge sometimes).

Current powers of Martin Blackwood-Lukas: Can disappear into the Fog for several hours at a time (he cannot be seen by anyone but other Lonely avatars while in the fog), can summon clouds of fog that he can momentarily hide things in (including people), can “banish” most anyone into the fog, and has “Sea Captain Eyes” (he knows where the Tundra is at all times, and can lead someone to it without a map or compass).

Future powers of Martin Blackwood-Lukas: Can change his hair color at will (only to red, white, and a mix of the two colors), can see much better in the Fog and can find anyone he’s pushed into it, can more or less teleport using the Fog, and he has what’s more or less a pocket dimension of fog for storage/hiding his friends from danger (think the inside of Gems in Steven Universe).

Current powers of Tim Stoker-Orsinov: Can make small bipedal toys “come to life” for a few minutes at a time (they can’t talk or communicate; only move around and perform small tasks/dances), can tell when a Notthem is masquerading as someone else, is supernaturally talented at gymnastics, and can dance alongside the creatures of the Stranger without being fully corrupted by them.

Future powers of Tim Stoker-Orsinov: Better control over the powers he already has as well as a high tolerance for the Spiral.

Current powers of Danny Stoker-Orsinov: Can order around creatures of the Stranger against their will, can tell when a Notthem is masquerading as someone else, can dance alongside the creatures of the Stranger without being fully corrupted by them, is supernaturally talented at gymnastics, and can change his voice to anything he likes (not always intentionally, though).

Future powers of Danny Stoker-Orsinov: Can more or less “teleport” to other circus locations by walking into theaters, can now change his voice to whatever he likes with his knowledge and consent, can take over as the Stranger’s ringmaster if necessary, can trigger a mesmerizing dance whenever he’d like, and has a high tolerance for the Spiral.

Current powers of Sasha James-Cane: Can communicate with spiders and have them send messages to other Web avatars, can read minds if she tries really hard, can “trap“ other entities in large webs that she can summon (takes a lot of energy), and she has Spider-Man-like abilities (can walk on walls and ceilings, can carry much more than her weight should allow, etc).

Future powers of Sasha James-Cane: Can now read minds without too much effort, can navigate almost any area that’s being controlled/influenced by the Web, can create webs without nearly as much effort as before, can transform her body to have more arms, legs, and eyes, and she now has venomous fangs (which can thankfully be controlled and/or hidden).

Current powers of Alice “Daisy” Tonner: Can turn into a wolf at will/when she’s especially emotional, can smell blood from several miles away, and has supernatural senses/physical abilities.

Future powers of Alice “Daisy” Tonner: Can now track most any monster she’s hunting once she gets at least one good look at them, can communicate with other Hunters via howling, and can navigate the Buried if needed (though this is very triggering for her and will cause her to pass out afterwards).

Current powers of Julia Montauk: Can turn into a wolf at will/when she’s especially emotional, can smell blood from several miles away, has supernatural senses/physical abilities, can track most any monster if she knows their name, can communicate with other Hunters via howling, and she can shift into a bipedal werewolf when she feels like she’s in danger.

Future powers of Julia Montauk: All of her previous powers have drastically improved, plus she has better control of them now.

Current powers of Basira Hussain: She has common fucking sense, something almost none of the other children have.

Future powers of Basira Hussain: She common sense AND she has a werewolf GF now. :) ((No dating for the babies, not until they’re at least teenagers))

Current powers of Melanie King-Grifter: Can listen to Grifter’s Bone without being damaged in any way, the music of Grifter’s Bone makes her powers exemplified for a period of time after she listens to it, the smell of blood triggers her to become violent, she can summon sharp weapons (knives, swords, etc) from thin air, and she can see a red aura around other people who have been marked by the Slaughter.

Future powers of Melanie King-Grifter: She has much better control of her abilities now, she can perform Grifter’s Bone songs for people and keep them from dying/going feral, and she can now also summon other weapons from thin air (guns, baseball bats, etc).

Current powers of Oliver Banks: Can see people’s deaths a week in advance via his dreams, he sees dark tentacles around people who are going to die soon, can see but not talk to ghosts, and he can smell death on anyone who’s undead/controlling other people’s bodies.

Future powers of Oliver Banks: Can raise the dead and control them to do his bidding (takes a lot of energy), can speak cat (not End related; Admiral related), and he can cause people to die within the week if he touches them in his dreams.

Current powers of Georgie Barker: Can see a “death countdown” over people who are going to die within the next thirty days, doesn’t feel any fear whatsoever, can see but not talk to ghosts, and she sees a dark sludge staining the clothes of people who have been marked by the End.

Future powers of Georgie Barker: Can bring people back to life for a minute or so by touching them (think Pushing Daisies type powers), can speak cat (not End related; Admiral is best cat dad), and she can communicate with ghosts much better now.

Current powers of Jane Prentiss-Dekker: Can summon bugs of most kinds from her mouth and under her fingernails, can communicate with bugs, and can fight off most diseases without any trouble.

Future powers of Jane Prentiss-Dekker: Can now completely control bugs via a hive mind effect, can summon bugs from anywhere on her body, has much stronger healing abilities than Jon, and she can see invisible bugs crawling on the skin of those who the Corruption wants her to get rid of (it’s hard for her not to give in to it’s desires).

Current powers of Mike Crew-Fairchild: Can levitate/fly at will, can summon clouds of any kind (rain, thunder, snow, etc) in any conditions, has much higher resistance to the weather/temperature, and he can “banish” people into the Vast at will.

Future powers of Mike Crew-Fairchild: Same as before, but with slightly better control than he had as a teenager.

Current powers for Helen Richardson-Shelley: Can change the world around her to be more like the Spiral (adding more doors, changing the colors of things, causing hallucinations, etc), can change any door into a doorway into the Spiral, and she can amplify her voice (very hard to control as a baby).

Future powers for Helen Richardson-Shelley: Can now summon doors that lead to the Spiral from thin air, has much better control over her powers and abilities than before, can morph her body to be longer and sharper at will, and she can “banish” people into the endless hallways of the Spiral.

((Holy shit, that took awhile))

Anyways, here’s a playlist I made for the AU, feel free to scream at me for my very weird taste in music: Pinky Swear That You Won’t Go Changing

[bishreview]

Track by Track Review - Hottest 100 2020

Wrote this article a little bit ago just for fun. Decided to post it on here with the thought of maybe getting back to the Bish Review. Also, put an asterix next to my votes (songs that made my top 10). Anyway, here we go:

100. Kool - BENEE

One of the many gems from ‘Hey u x’. Unlucky to hear her biggest hit so early on.

99. Itch - Hockey Dad

I thought ‘Brain Candy’ was a little bit of a disappointment, but Itch was one of the strongest tracks they duo have released.

98. Your Man - Joji

Surprised to hear this track in the countdown. Pretty solid tune though

97. Audacity (feat. Headie One) - Stormzy

He’s still one of the best from the UK rap scene and this track shows why.

96. Germaphobe - Hockey Dad

One of the weaker tracks, I thought, off Brain Candy, but not surprised a lot of Hockey Dad fans liked this one. Definitely plays into their audience’s taste.

95. Loose Ends (feat. G Flip) - Illy

I do not like Aussie Hip Pop. This track is not an exception.

94. Rain (feat. Tay Keith) - Aitch and AJ Tracey

The piano in this is very ‘Humble’ - Kendrick Lamar. Still a banger though.

93. Lemonade (feat. Gunna, Don Toliver and NAV) - Internet Money

Bit of a forgettable track. It’s okay, but feels like there’s a lot better like this out there.

92. These Days - Thelma Plum

First cover of the countdown. Still one of the best Hottest 100 number ones, and Thelma does it justice.

91. Charlie - Bugs

Second cover of the countdown. I do like this but I feel it doesn’t reach the same heights as the original.

90. No Time To Die - Billie Eilish

A little expected from Eilish but still a solid Bond song (the second in history to make it).

89. In Her Eyes - The Jungle Giants

I cannot wait for the new Jungle Giants album. They’ve gotten better and better with each release.

88. Heart Attack (feat. lau.ra) - BRONSON*

I fell deeply in love with this song the second I heard it. It just has this quiet yet strong emotion behind it. The production on it is something else as well.

87. Three Leaf Clover - Teenage Joans

A really solid debut single by the Unearthed High winners. Can’t wait to hear more from them. 

86. Laugh Now Cry Now (feat. Lil Durk) - Drake

I still don’t get the hype for Drake. The falsetto “baby” in the chorus also never ceases to make me laugh.

85. Too Tough Terry - Dune Rats

Dunies slow descent from mature stoner pop to edgy tracks for teens has been hard to watch. This song just seems like a parody of the band. 

84. Chicken Tenders - Dominic Fike

Has to be the sexiest song about the best thing in the frozen food section at the supermarket. Pity the album didn’t live up to the hype.

83. Down For You - Cosmo’s Midnight and Ruel

I was really keen for this once I heard about the collaboration between the two. Unfortunately it felt a little too much like a Ruel song and it doesn’t really feel like Cosmo’s Midnight had much of a touch on it.

82. The Clap - The Chats

It’s a bit generic for The Chats but I just like hearing them get more popular. Just hilarious dudes. 

81. Weightless - Spacey Jane

One of the stronger and more unique tracks on Sunlight. The synth touches really suit the band.

80. Freaks - FISHER

Cannot wait for FISHER to just slowly fade away. His tracks all sound the same and are so basic. 

79. my future - Billie Eilish

One of the best tracks Eilish has released. Love how this just turns halfway through from a really soft ballad to a bit of an electro pop song.

78. Lady Marmalade - G Flip

It’s a nice cover. The video of G Flip performing it though is really fun.

77. House Arrest - Sofi Tukker and Gorgon City

This song bangs pretty hard. I like a lot of Sofi Tukker have really been putting out some solid stuff.

76. Baby It’s You - London Grammar

This is a great track, that synth in the chorus is heavenly.

75. Photo ID - Remi Wolf

I do like this song but it reminds me of a track from the 80s or 90s and I can’t put my finger on what that track is.

74. Scream Drive Faster - LAUREL

When I first heard this I thought Ladyhawke was back in the mainstream. Little disappointed it wasn’t, but this slaps.

73. Don’t Need You - Genesis Owusu*

Possibly the best chorus of the year. Owusu has stepped up massively in the Australian Hip Hop scene. 

72. Way Down - Ocean Alley

Ocean Alley have plateaued. ‘Lonely Diamond’ just felt like the band had become comfortable. 

71. Obey - Bring Me The Horizon and YUNGBLUD

I just can’t take BMTH seriously anymore. They’re music has become so comically edgy.

70. Low - Chet Faker

Hey look, Nick Murphy has become Chet Faker again. Don’t know why he changes between the two when one is just slightly more soulful than the other, but he does release nice tunes.

69. Second - Hope D

I do like this female, Aussie version of Jamie T. It’s a really nice track. Also the number 69 is claimed by Hope D. haha.

68. Lie to Me - Vera Blue

I don’t know what it is exactly, but there’s something about Vera which just puts her on a different level than her counterparts. She’s just that consistently good.

67. Boss Bitch - Doja Cat

This track doesn’t get old for me. It’s so much fun, and Doja Cat owns it. Love it.

66. Fantasising - Skegss

This track really does have a very “Three Leaf Clover” vibe. I have enjoyed Skegss in the past but their new stuff hasn’t captured my attention really. Seems a bit run of the mill. 

65. C’MON (feat. Travis Barker) - Amy Shark

I actually don’t mind this song, but why does it feature Travis Barker. It’s a piano ballad featuring a punk drummer, and he really doesn’t do that much. I’m confused, was he jealous of Mark Hoppus?

64. Soak Me In Bleach - The Amity Affliction

The song title reflects my thoughts when I hear that The Amity Affliction have released a new one. There are so many better Aussie metal bands out there.

63. Day & Age - Ball Park Music

BPM have a knack for writing amazing ballads. I wasn’t huge on their latest album, but tracks like this continue me having them in my good books. 

62. Run - Joji

One of the best tracks Joji has released. A really mature song for the artist and a step in the right direction for him. 

61. Pretty Grim - Ruby Fields

Ruby is good, but I feel she’s starting to release the same song over and over. Need something fresh.

60. Go (feat. Juice WRLD) - The Kid LAROI

Probably the strongest track by The Kid LAROI, but Juice WRLD outshines him just due to his vocal tone. He just sounds better.

59. Gimme Love - Joji

And that’s three for Joji. I really like how this song has two distinct sections and both are solid without overshadowing the other. 

58. Fly Away - Tones and I

I still don’t get why Tones and I puts on that fake accent in her songs. It just detracts from what could be a nice pop song.

57. Sobercoaster - Beddy Rays

Really didn’t expect this to get so high. I’m happy though because it’s a really fun song.

56. On The Line - San Cisco

Tracks like this keep me invested in San Cisco. They can really release some brilliant stuff.

55. I Think You’re Great - Alex The Astronaut

The fine line between overly chessy and adorably optimistic is what Alex walks on with every track. I think this falls on the former side sadly. 

54. Blue - Eiffel 65 (Flume Remix)

The fact that Flume puts so much of his identity into this remix is why Flume has been one of the most successful Aussie acts this past decade. 

53. In Your Eyes - The Weeknd

If The Weeknd release ‘Blinding Lights’ a month later I’d believe that he would take out this countdown. He didn’t though and instead we are left with this solid track in the bottom 50.

52. The Glow - DMA’s

Why? Why did DMA’s have to get so poppy and generic. I loved their first two album, but I struggled to get through the third.

51. Your Love (Déjà Vu) - Glass Animals

Out of the three big hits the band had in 2020, this is the most underrated. There is so much going on here, yet it never feels muddled. Wavey Davey on fire here.

50. Nothing To Love About Love - Peking Duk and The Wombats

Although this is a nice song, there’s been so many 80s electro pop throwbacks recently that have been done better that this collab just fades into the background.

49. Wishing Well - Juice WRLD

This song is so beautiful and heart-breaking. Really shows why Juice WRLD became such a beloved artist so quickly.

48. Ain’t It Different (feat. AJ Tracey and Stormzy) - Headie One

This is a really cool collab. They use the Red Hot Chili Peppers sample so well and really flow so well with it that it feels almost effortless.

47. Animals - Architects

I like a lot about this track, but the chorus really hits another level. Feels cathartic to scream along to.

46. Pretty Lady - Tash Sultana

Was hoping Tash would move into a more psychedelic direction with their newer stuff, but this is still a fine track.

45. as long as you care - Ruel

A pretty by the books Ruel song, but he really does this style so well.

44. You & I - G Flip

Probably G Flips strongest release this year. The chorus has a lot of flavour.

43. together - Ziggy Alberts

Generic acoustic track by generic Byron Bay artist. He really took the cake this year for dumbest comparison, when he compared wearing a face mask to the holocaust. Thought he’d suffer a bit for it, but apparently his fanbase grew stronger.

42. WHATS POPPIN - Jack Harlow

Jack Harlow is just so much fun. He’s killing it, and WHATS POPPIN is proof of that. Keep the bangers coming Harlow.

41. I Still Dream About You - The Smith Street Band

I felt I was growing out of The Smith Street Band, their newer music just not resonating to me. Then they drop this and make me a big fan again.

40. Come & Go (with Marshmello) - Juice WRLD

Just that chorus. It is so enjoyable. He really was going places.

39. Righteous - Juice WRLD

A back to back, and from one of the more exciting songs on the album we get to one of the more sombre tracks. Everything from the guitar, the vocals, those synth notes. . . this track is just a perfect send off for the artist. R.I.P. Juice.

38. Parasite Eve - Bring Me The Horizon

This song is so unironically cringe and edgy that it somehow becomes ironically fun. It does the full circle.

37. SO DONE - The Kid LAROI

I do like The Kid LAROI, but his vocals on this, combined with the lyrics, just make him sound like a child chucking a temper tantrum. It does make me laugh though.

36. forget me too (feat. Halsey) - Machine Gun Kelly

If this song was released in the early 00s (where it belongs), it would’ve faded into oblivion. At least Halsey sounds pretty solid on her verse though.

35. Running Red Lights (feat. Rivers Cuomo & Pink Siifu) - The Avalanches*

My personal number one for the year. This song has that melancholic, nostalgic feel to it that just hits home every time. Also one of Cuomo’s strongest vocal performances.

34. Everybody Rise - Amy Shark

This song is fine. I wouldn’t go out of my way to listen to it, but it’s fun to sing-a-long to. 

33. Breathe Deeper - Tame Impala

One of the best tracks from The Slow Rush. I love that piano motif throughout, and the bass is so funky. That weird bridge section towards the end is also pretty slick.

32. Criminals - DMA’s

The real criminals are the ones who told DMA’s this was a good idea. I just can’t get around their new stuff. I miss ‘Hill’s End’ and ‘For Now’.

31. Reasons - San Cisco

Tracks like this keep me from becoming a full time fan of San Cisco. They can really release some average stuff.

30. Bagi-la-m Bargan (feat. Fred Leone) - Birdz

Powerful. Birdz really took it to another level here.

29. Dribble - Sycco

Although I find there’s a lot of similar stuff out there, I think Sycco does sound like an original voice in the Australian music scene. She’s killing it.

28. Straightfaced - Spacey Jane

Although there was a lot of good stuff on Spacey Jane’s debut album, I found it to be quite repetitive. This track was one of the ones that I found to fade into the background instead of standing out. 

27. Under the Thunder - Skegss

I really want to like Skegss, they’ve released some great tunes in the past. But this just doesn’t do it for me. It’s just boring. 

26. No Plans To Make Plans - Lime Cordiale

Everything that makes new The Rubens tracks so average is presented here on a Lime Cordiale track. Obnoxiously quirky.

25. Reality Check Please - Lime Cordiale

Hey back to back Lime Cordiale tracks. And another one of their weaker ones. ‘Addicted to the Sunshine’ did this chorus better.

24. Blue World - Mac Miller

Didn’t expect this to make it so high but so well deserved. This song slaps hard but still continues the tragic story that is presented on his posthumous album ‘Circles’.

23. Good News - Mac Miller*

Back to back Mac! To be honest, I am close to tears every time this track plays. If only the lyrics “there's a whole lot more for me waiting/I know maybe I'm too late, I could make it there some other time/Then I'll finally discover/That it ain't that bad” were told to Mac before his passing, because he did have so much more to offer. R.I.P. Mac.

22. Complicated - Eves Karydas

This song is so good. I’ve heard it that many times but it still hasn’t lost its shine. So damn good.

21. Energy - KLP and Stace Cadet

I was really hoping this would crack top 20. Probably the best Dance track of the year. Such a jam.

20. Addicted To The Sunshine - Lime Cordiale

Despite thinking that ‘14 Steps To A Better Living’ didn’t have many new tracks that were that good on it, this one is nice. It’s just a pleasantly nice song.

19. You Should Be Sad - Halsey

I really don’t like Pop Country music but I also find it hilarious that the genre cracked the top 20. ‘09 Taylor Swift would be proud.

18. Tangerine - Glass Animals

With Tik Tok exploding in 2020 I don’t get how this didn’t get adopted by someone on it. It’s so primed to get hyped on it. 

17. Is It True - Tame Impala

I think Kevin Parker’s vocals on this are underwhelming, but that might just be because the instrumental slaps that hard. The rhythm section is so tight.

16. Screw Loose - Lime Cordiale

This sound is what Lime Cordiale do best. We need more dub influence and less elevator pop influence.

15. Skin - Spacey Jane

No matter what you think about Spacey Jane, they sure do make some emotional tracks. One of the most powerful songs on Sunlight.

14. Tombstone - Ocean Alley

The verses are average and pretty bland but the chorus is amazing. Just don’t think the album resonated with me too much, and Tombstone is another mixed track off it.

13. Rockstar - Mallrat

Possibly Mallrat’s best song yet. Her laid back, relaxed style mixed with the low-fi production really meshes well.

12. Get on the Beers (feat. Dan Andrews) - Mashd N Kutcher 

I’m not going to pretend this is my style, but the way this has resonated with Australians during lockdown last year makes the track way smarter than it deserves to be. It’s both ironically and unironically good.

11. On Our Own - Lime Cordiale

I’m happy the three best new tracks of Lime Cordiale’s debut were the highest placing in this countdown. This really is a nice song.

10. Therefore I Am - Billie Eilish

Not my favourite songs from Billie but she continues to be consistently good. The production on this is immense as well.

9. I’m Good? - Hilltop Hoods

I wish old school Hilltop could hear this so could prevent themselves every going this direction. Aussie Hip Pop is not a good genre. This is one of their worst tracks yet.

8. Sending Me Ur Loving - The Jungle Giants*

This song has so much flavour too it. It’s so funky and fun and the production is so tight. Also the guitar work is underrated here, not doing much but adding that icing on the cake.

7. Hyperfine - G Flip

Every time I hear this track (and I’ve heard it a lot) I completely forget about it a couple minutes later. G Flip is good, but this is forgettable.

6. WAP (feat. Megan Thee Stallion) - Cardi B

I understand if this isn’t your style, but I love it. I don’t think there’s ever been a song with so many quotable moments. Every line makes a statement that will get in your head. My personal favourite? “ I let him taste it, now he diabetic”.

5. Lost In Yesterday - Tame Impala

There’s a lot of songs on ‘The Slow Rush’ I like, but Lost In Yesterday I’ve always found kinda boring. It feels a little uninspired. Surprised that this was the album’s big hit.

4. Cherub - Ball Park Music*

BPM have released some great music over the decade but I think this is their best yet. It’s beautiful, emotional and has a fantastic, cathartic breakdown at the end. I love a good build up. 

3. The Difference (feat. Toro y Moi) - Flume*

Everything about this track is why Flume has been so great for so long. This track is great for any situation. If I’m partying, I play it. If I’m relaxing, I play it. If I’m getting pumped up, I play it. If I’m sad, I play it. Flexibility matters.

2. Booster Seat - Spacey Jane

OHHH-OH-OHHHHHHHH AND IT FEELS LIKE THAT AGAIN! One of the best sing-a-long tracks of the year, yet massively emotional. Like damn this song is rough.

1. Heat Waves - Glass Animals*

If I had one word to express how I feel about this winning I would say “deserved”. Not many tracks were as perfect for 2020 as this one. Glass Animals love writing absolute bangers with emotional cores and this one is one of their strongest tracks. Glass Animals just continue to outdo themselves.

That’s it for now, gonna maybe start posting again. I dunno. See how I feel. Ta-ta.

[rthoney]

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

9: Are you ticklish?

10: Are you allergic to anything?

11: What’s your sexuality?

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

16: How tall are you?

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

21: Are you religious?

22: Pet peeves?

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

24: Favorite constellation?

25: Favorite star?

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

27: Any phobias or fears?

28: Do you think global warming is real?

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

30: Favorite movie?

31: Do you get scared easily?

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

34: What is a color that calms you?

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

36: Where were you born?

37: What is your eye color?

38: Introvert or extrovert?

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

40: Hugs or kisses?

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

43: Any piercings you want?

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so?

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

47: What is a sound you really hate?

48: A sound you really love?

49: Can you do a backflip?

50: Can you do the splits?

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

52: Favorite movie?

53: How are you feeling right now?

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

55: When did you feel happiest?

56: Something that calms you down?

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

58: What does your URL mean?

59: What three words describe you the most?

60: Do you believe in evolution?

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

62: What makes you follow a blog?

63: Favorite kind of person:

64: Favorite animal(s):

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

66: Favorite emoticon:

67: Favorite meme:

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

69: What is your star sign?

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

72: Post a selfie or two?

73: Do you have platform shoes?

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

75: Can you do a front flip?

76: Do you like birds?

77: Do you like to swim?

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

81: Piercings you have?

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

83: Favorite person to talk to:

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

85: How many followers do you have?

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

87: Do your socks always match?

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

89: What are your birthstones?

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

92: A store you hate?

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

95: Do you like to wear camo?

96: Winter or summer?

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

98: Least favorite person?

99: Someone you look up to:

100: A store you love?

101: Favorite type of shoes

102: Where do you live?

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

105: Do you drink milk?

106: Do you like bugs?

107: Do you like spiders?

108: Something you get paranoid about?

109: Can you draw:

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

111: A question you hate being asked?

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

116: Favorite cloud type:

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

118: Do you have freckles?

119: Favorite thing about a person:

120: Fruits or vegetables?

121: Something you want to do right now:

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

123: Sweet or sour foods?

124: Bright or dim lights?

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

128: What do you think about the least?

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

133: Computer or TV?

134: Do you like roller coasters?

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

137: Do you believe in karma?

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

144: What makes you angry

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

147: Are you androgynous?

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

156: What embarrasses you?

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

159: How many people are you following?

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

163: Last time you cried and why:

164: Do you have long or short hair?

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

1. im ok with my height 2. Australian Shepard 3. not really.is a sweatshirt and leggings a style? 4. wii  5. probably like the 5 people i talk to every day, hamilton, music 6. i thought of like 6 different things.. 7. idk you pick something and ill answer it  8. fuck idk 9. YES BUT IF YOU TICKLE ME BE PREPARE TO BE KICKED  10. just pollen 11. straight  12. all three. 13. both 14. mermaid hehe i love swimming  15. no 16. 5′ 7″ 17. eliza idk i like my name  18. no 19. nope 20. ocean 21.  kinda more like my dad and stepmom are so like i kinda am too. idrk. 22. people umm idk 23. i dont know 24. i dont have one. they all kinda just look like stars to me.. 25. ^^ 26. wtf is that 27. heights. spiders. snake. most bugs in general. sleeping bags. 28. absoultely  29. no 30. H.A.M.I.L.T.O.N 31. i get startled pretty easily but like actually scared, a little less easly 32.fuck alot. ummm i think 14 not including all the fish ive had 33.well its anon so... 34. idk. 35. new york,  paris, austria, irleand,  36. in the same town i have lived in my whole life 37. meduim brown  38. both.. 39. naw 40. both 41. my mutals  42. my best friendsssss 43. i want another percing on my ear 44. ig 45. no 46. no thank you :) 47. i hate the sound of things being hit on metal 48. lin manuel mirandas voice <3 49. nope 50.NOPE 51. LIN. MANUEL. MIRANDA.  52. HAMILTON 53. im feeling good 54. the color that it is..... 55. idfk 56. listening for music 57. not that i know of  58. it means elizard hamilton 59. music. friends. art. thats probably not what it meant but idk  60. yes  61. being and asshole 62. hamilton and fanfics, mostly  63. idk what this means 64. DOGS. CATS. PANDAS. MOST ANIMALS. 65.i have wayyyy more than three tho..... 66.  idk. 67. i dont have one. 68. i dont know what that is... 69. aquaruis...? 70. no ones old and ones dumb 71. probably my pjs or my london tshirt and jeans/leggings 72. if anyone reminds me i will lol. i doubt anyone will read all of these tho. 73.yes but i dont wear them cause i cant walk in heals 74. idk.... 75. fuck no 76. yea 77. YES I LOVE SWIMMING 78. swimmingggg 79. wasps 80. every broadway show ever to be profretionally recorded. 81. i have two in each ear but i rarely wear the bottom one 82. paiting 83.any one of my best friends. 84. memes. depressed people. fandoms 85.166 86. fuck no. 87. nope. like %80 of the time they dont match 88. sometimes 89. amithest. 90. idk 91. daisiessss 92. idfk 93. 0-2 94.read minds 95. ..idk 96. WINTER 97. idk 98. this ass hole i used to be friends with. he was a racist dick and very toxic 99. i d k  100. idk 101. converse 102. Washington 103. No 104. idk  105. yes 106. some  107. nooooo 108. most things lol 109. kinda 110. idk 111. idrk 112. yea but just like tiny spiders 113. yessssssss 114. sunny unless its raining 115. i dont know. 116. i  dont fuccking know 117. blue...? 118. i wishhhh 119 personality 120. vegitables 121. watch hamilton 122. sky 123. sweet, i dont like sour things 124. dim 125. no 126. idk 127. my friends <3 128. what does this mean... 129. idfk 130. my brother  131. basically everything about me  132. sometimes but not really. 133. computer 134. FUCK YEA 135. no 136.what? 137. no 138. 6.7 139. ri ri, ri, genie, honey, riles, bitch, eliza, weirdo, trash, riley elizabeth gene (not my name) 140. no  141. once. but i was super awkward and didnt talk the enitre time amd never saw her again. i probably need theriapy  142. good 143. giving 144. racists, terfs, people who are assholes 145. 1 146. boys 147. what is that 148. my eyes :P 149. idk 150. lexi. peggy. alex. 151. early brodway era 152. yes. sometimes its a problem 153. LOL IM SINGLE  154. yess 155. yos. espisally when my friends hate it so i do it to mess with them 156. my family. talking about my life with my family. sharing things i like with my family, talking about who i like. 157. preforming 158. how i met my best friend. its a long story but ill say if anyone wants me to 159. 142 160. 3563 161. 7 162. 4641 163. i dont know 164. long 165. probably now is the longest its been. or like kindergarden lol 166. ? 167. no 168. a little 169. hell naw 170. yea.

HOLY FUCK THAT TOOK SO FUCKING LONG

thank you anon

[unbelievableholland]

100 FOLLOWER CELEBRATION PROMPTS:

A/N: It is finally hereee. Sorry if it's a bit late, I'm like, at 117 followers now AND I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT. Thank y'all so much for supporting me and reading my fics❤️❤️❤️ OH, and sorry if the prompts aren't that great, I'm still not used to writing prompts but, I really tried my best because I want this celebration to be good.

And for the requests that I have YET TO FINISH, I apologize again because I don't have great time management. I'll be working on the requests in order as well. Let's just hope school doesn't get in the way of this one😂 send in requests as much as you can guys! I love your ideas so much and it keeps me motivated to get through school so I can continue to write my heart out😂❤️

I'll be extending the time limit to this by the for a month because why not😂

I'll be accepting requests from this prompt list within this period of time:

February 14, 2020 — March 14, 2020

A N G S T :

1. “I’m sorry, but I can’t stay”

2. “You said you’d never leave me, so why are you walking away?”

3. “You promised! You promised me that you’ll stay!”

4. “That’s exactly the thing y/n, I loved you”

5. “Where were you!? I’ve been waiting for 5 goddamn hours!”

6. “I am really sorry, darling.”— “It’s ok. I’ll be here I guess.”

7. “I know I promised, but—”— “It’s fine. Just know that I’ll always be here for you.”

8. “You idiot! Why did you keep this from me!?”

9. “Cut the crap, I know you’re hurt!”

10. “You don’t have to pretend, I know you pretend every goddamn day. You’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting me.”

11. “Before I leave, I have one more request.”— “What?! After all of this, what else could you possibly want out of me?!”— “Be happy. Move on. Please, look after yourself.”

12. “You told me you loved me, did you tell her that to?!”

13. “You know you don’t have to hide anything from me, so please tell me why there are cuts on your arm”

14. “How stupid could you be to think that you could handle that yourself?!”

15. “I wanted to see you, but not like this. Never like this.”

16. “Am I really that bad?”

17. “You’ve walked away so many times but I took you back! This is too much. I’m so sorry but it’s my turn to leave.”

18. “Don’t please I—”— “You have to let go sweetheart. You know you’ll have to eventually.”

19. “So, what, you’re just giving up on me? On us??”

20. “What happened?”— “It’s like— I-It’s like I forgot how to love you”

21. “Don’t force it, please. You already know that it’ll end like this even if we try again.”

22. “I don’t owe you anything. I don’t owe you a fucking thing”

23. “Everyone thinks she’s not the one, but she I think she’s damn near close to that if she isn’t. I know I can’t risk losing her.”

24. “Just know that I’d go to the moon and back just to get the chance to love you again.”

25. “Stop— Stop! Please, stop you’re hurting yourself!”

26. “I don’t deserve you. I never did, and I never got how you can love me the way you do now.”

27. “I realized how easy it is to live without you”

28. “I-I could’ve left but I didn’t”— “but you should’ve”

29. “You caught me, but you let me go”

30. “Go. Go to them. You always do anyway”

31. “I should’ve left when I had the chance.”

32. “You know, people warned me. Warned me about you.”— “What did they say?” “That you’d end up breaking my heart. I should’ve listened to them.”

33. “I—I think I broke her.”

34. “H-hey, it’s me. Y-you remember me, r-right?”

35. “You want to know the worst part, hmm?”— “I—”—”It’s been 5 fucking years and I still love you”

36. “Please let me explain!”— “I think you explained well enough last time. I understand, you love her, not me”

37. “I trusted you!”— “And I trusted myself enough not to hurt you, but I still did”

38. “This wouldn’t have happened if you just listened to me!”

39. “You know what they say…cut off one head, two more shall take it’s place.”

40. “Am I not enough for you??”— “You were”

41. “You told me you were over her”— “I lied”

42. “Making you fall in love with me was never my intention”

43. “You let me down when I thought I finally had someone to build me back up.”

44. “”Hey— hey baby? Come on, keep your eyes open for m-me. You can d-do this, b-babe— look a-at m— look at me! Y-you can do this, alright?”

45. “I’m fine, really. I always knew that he wasn’t the one. I guess you can say he’s just my almost”

46. “You could’ve died!”— “I did! I died the moment I saw him snap his fingers!”

47. “I’m sorry! I know I should’ve been better—” — “but you weren’t. You could’ve been but you weren’t!”

48. “H-Hey Pete. I just wanted to call you to say sorry. I know you’ve moved on, but I haven’t. I don’t know how long I have, but I wanted to tell you that, please, take care of dad, take care of yourself and take care of MJ. My life has been a wreck, but it was way better with you in it. When I lost you, I lost myself, and I’m sorry for that. I should’ve just been happy for you. God, I hope you don’t delete this voicemail.”

49. “He won’t be back! He’s dead and all you can do is accept it!”— “No! He’s not dead, he can’t be! He told me he’d come home, he promised me he’d be back!”

50. “It’s my fault, this is my fault. You’re not safe here, just— just leave. I don’t want to hurt you.”

F L U F F

51. “Never, in my life, have I felt so much love for one person.”

52. “Don’t worry, love. I’m here, and I never plan on leaving”

53.“Stop! Tickling me won’t work!”— “I doubt that, love. I can do this all day”

54. “My heart belongs to you, my London boy.”

55. “Don’t tempt me, babe”— “What? I’m not tempting you to do anything”— “Yes, yes you are. Everyday, just looking at you makes me want to love you even more than I already do, which—quite frankly— I didn’t think was possible.”

56. “W-will you go on a d-date with m-me?”— “Only if you kiss me again”

57. “Is that my hoodie?”— “uhhhhm, no?”

58. “Where were you?! I called so many times!”— “Yeah, but my phone died. I was at work. Why’d you call so many times though? I told you I was working today.”— “I remembered that I forgot to tell you that I love you before you left”

59. “C’mon, time to get up.”— “Noooo. I wanna cuddle some mooreee”

60. “You’re not sick anymore. Now can I kiss you?”

61. “I love you”— “No, you love Taylor Swift.”— “Shhh, you’re ruining the moment”

62. “Move. I want to cuddle”

63. “You’re an idiot.”— “Your idiot.”

64. “I know you’re only here for Tessa.”— “I mean, yeah, but playing with Tessa isn’t the same without you.”

65. “Can you do me a favor and NOT break your nose for once?”— “Sure, but only if you kiss it better.”— “Ew Tom, no. It’s all bruised and bloody.”

66. “I’m not afraid of the dark anymore.”— “Oh really? And why is that?”— “Because now, you’re here to light up my world.”

67. “You look cute when you’re mad. You’re like a cute little bunny with a frown”

68. “Oh come here. I know you can’t resist me.”

69. “I’ll go to sleep only if you sing to me first.”

70. “Will you be MJ to my Peter Parker?”

71. “Hey, can you take Tessa for a walk?”— “Yeah sure, but I thought you wanted to walk her?”— “I never said I wasn’t”

72. “I’d dance with you around the stars if I could”

73. “It’s a prank! It’s a prank, it’s a prank”

74. “Can you stop checking me out and actually try to clean the house?”

75. “Here, close your eyes and take my hand. Do you trust me?”— “No.”— “Oh come one, you don’t mean that.”— “Yeah you’re right, I don’t”

76. “I won’t be able to take you seriously if you keep wearing my cloths. Looks too good on you.”

77. “Let me go, I have work.”— “Not until I get my good morning kiss”— “Gross. You have morning breath.”

78. “You’re such a dork, but I guess that’s why I fell in love with you in the first place.”

79. “Don’t pout. That’s cheating because you know I can’t resist you when you pout”

80. “You? Ugly? Impossible.”

81. “I can’t think of anything other than you that can make me this happy.”

82. “NO! Don’t open your eyes!”— “Wha— Why??”— “Because then it won’t be a surprise, duhh!”

83. “Have you ever stopped to think, that maybe in another universe, we’re with other people? Maybe we don’t even know each other or—”— “You have to stop watching those documentaries, babe. Anyway, I don’t think I could ever be with anyone other than you. Even in another universe.”

84. “I hate you.”— “No, I know you love me.”— “I do, and I hate you for it”

85. “One day, I’m going to propose and you’ll say yes. It’s going to be the best day ever.”— “Yeah. It definitely will be.”— “And with that, Y/N L/N, will you make today the happiest day of our lives?”

86. “I like it when you’re sick”— “Hey!”— “It gives me more reason to take care of you.”

87. “So, there’s this house party RDJ’s hosting. Wanna be my date?”

88. “Awwww, I never realized how cute you are when you sneeze!”

89. “Hey, uh, we have thin walls here and I uh, I heard barking so I figured you have a dog. Is it alright if I play with them for a bit? I love dogs i-if you can’t already tell.”

90. “We could be soulmates you know.”— “I know, and I don’t mind one bit.”

91. “I really want to kiss you right now.”— “Kiss me then”

92. “You’re such an ass.”— “I know right. Been doing a lot of squats lately.”

93. “Ugh, it’s still too early. Wake me up later.”— “Too ea— it’s 4pm!”

94. “I love you, but that doesn’t mean I won’t laugh at you when you do something stupid”

95. “Get a life, you dummy.”— “I already have one. You.”

96. “Do you want to sed something beautiful?”— “I’m already looking at her.”

97. “It’s hard to think when I’m drunk.”— “That’s why you have me, sweetheart.”

98. “I did this for you, you know. I got drunk so I could be confident enough to tell you how I actually feel about you.”

99. “Don’t believe anything they say. I love you, and only you.”

100. “I missed you! But probably not as much as baby Holland did.”— “Excuse me, baby who now???”

[writingdotcoffee]

#83: The Bookshop Anxiety

I was wandering around a bookshop—one of the big ones here in London—when this overwhelming bout of anxiety struck me. I came there for a specific title which I needed the same day. I wasn’t in a rush, so after I found the book, I decided to browse for a bit. My eyes were drawn to familiar names on the shelves—Joyce, Kafka, Kerouac—some of which I’ve read, others that I always wanted to read. The front-facing covers of new releases caught my attention too. For each unknown author and book, I was trying to figure out whether I’d like it or not. I picked up a few to read the back-cover copy and weigh them in my hand before moving on.

From general fiction, I made my way to the sci-fi and fantasy area, stopping at the table with highlights. I recognised several of these hefty tomes. In fact, I recognised most of them. I’ve been coming to bookshops to look at books like these for years, decades, and yet I haven’t read most of them.

Surrounded by thousands of books and billions of words, it weighed on me that I never will. Not because I don’t want to, but because it’s impossible. There are way too many books.

In 2016, Mental Floss estimated that 134,021,533 books have been published since the invention of the printing press. A casual 134 million.

According to various polls, the average adult reads 12 books a year. As a writer, you might read a lot more—maybe 50 or even 100 (respect if you do). Let’s say you’re 20 and live in the UK where the life expectancy is about 80 years. With 60 reading years to go, you will read a pitiful 3,000 / 6,000 books or 0.0002238% / 0.0004476% of the total respectively. And that’s not counting the millions published every year over the course of your life.

You may be reading your ass off your entire life and still barely even scratch the surface. Worse yet, if you’re an average adult, you only have 720 books to go. That’s terrifying. You should read more!

Not sure why, but after a while, I stopped looking at individual books and started focusing on authors. How many titles an average author had? And how much shelf space did the shop grant them? More often than not, entire rows were taken up by a single person. Book after book after book — a lifetime of gruelling work that these literary behemoths must have spent perfecting their craft.

At first, this made me even more depressed. How can I stand up to that? How can anyone write dozens of books and hundreds of short stories? Where does it all come from?

The bookshop was closing in five minutes. I paid for the book downstairs and headed into the night. The streets were wet, strewn with reflections, but it wasn’t raining anymore. I walked east through Bloomsbury, thinking about it all.

Now, it would’ve been quite fitting if along the way I saw a cat narrowly escape certain death under the wheels of a hurtling black cab and had a sudden revelation. Or if I ran into the apparition of Charles Dickens hanging out behind the bins at Tavistock Square and asked him for the secrets. Alas, nothing like that happened. I walked to St Paul's and caught a train home.

The secret is that there’s no secret. One day not too long ago, these authors were just like you and me, working nine to five, struggling to finish things, getting rejected, doubting their ability. The only way to fill a shelf with books is to get up every morning and work hard at it.

What I Am Reading

I finished three books this week. A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles was a fantastic read—eloquently written and with a rather unconventional premise. In the beginning, a Russian aristocrat is sentenced to a lifetime of house arrest in a luxury hotel in the centre of Moscow. The rest of the book chronicles his life in that hotel.

Hyperfocus by Chris Bailey is about managing your attention and how to be more intentional with it. The author put together a lot of the current research in the area. It was an informative read.

Lastly, I finished the 900-page tome that is Rogues by George R. R. Martin. It’s a collection of novellas from various authors across different genres, the common theme being that at least one character in each story has a cunning plan. You will enjoy the stories more if you’re already a fan of the featured writers as many stories include characters from existing books/series. I only recognised a few, but it was still an enjoyable read.

This week, I’ll be reading Normal People by Sally Rooney.

Short Stories

I also read these short stories:

Children on the Road and Unmasking the Confidence Trickster by Franz Kafka

The Sudden Walk, Resolutions, Excursion to the Mountains, The Plight of the Bachelor, The Businessman and Looking out Distractedly by Franz Kafka

The Way Home, The Men Running Past, The Passenger, Dresses, The Rejection, For the Consideration of Amateur Jockeys, The Window on to the Street, Desire to be a Red Indian, The Trees, Being Unhappy by Franz Kafka

Now Showing by Connie Willis

The Judgement by Franz Kafka

The Lighting Tree by Patrick Rothfuss

The Rogue Prince, or, A King’s Brother by George R. R. Martin

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Past Editions

#82: On Regularity, March 2019

#81: What Inspires Me, March 2019

#80: A Day In the Life of a Writer, March 2019

#79: Not Feeling Like It, February 2019

#78: Becoming Polynovelous, February 2019

[i-need-a-second-library]

Reading List 2019

So I thought to celebrate the fact that I actually read 100 books this year, I could list them all, give them a short raiting and quickly summarise my thoughts (as far as I remember them, my memory is terrible). So strap in, this is gonna be a looong list.

(The formating is gonna be: Title, Author, Language I read it in (D = German; E = English), rating, short thoughts)

1. The Toymakers, Robert Dinsdale, D, 3/5, Wants to be The Nightcircus but fails. Still sweet and thoughtful.

2. Deadly Sting (Elemental Assassin 8), Jennifer Estep, D, 4/5, Don’t remember specifics just that I was impressed the series was still this good.

3. The Labyrinth of Magic Volume 1, Shinobu Ohtaka, D, 1/5, Note to self: I don’t like Mangas (The Anime is fantastic though).

4. The Labyritnh of Magic Volume 2, Shinobu Ohtaka, D, 1/5, See 3.

5. The Ocean at the End of the Lane, Neil Gaiman, D, 3/5, Not my style but I can see what others like about it.

6. Norse Mythology, Neil Gaiman, D, 4/5, Very informative and entertaining.

7. The Master Magician (The Paper Magician 3), Charlie N. Holmberg, D,3/5, Adequate ending, I absolutely love the magic system.

8. The Plastic Magician (The Paper Magician 3.5), Charlie N. Holmberg, D, 4/5, Great spinoff, better story than the original with exactly enough cameos.

9. Heart of Venom (Elemental Assassin 9), Jennifer Estep, D, 3/5, see 2.

10. Inkdeath (Inkworld 3), Cornelia Funke, D, 5/5, Always a favourite, read it because I was feeling down cheered me right up.

11. The Blood of Olympus (Heroes of Olympus 5), Rick Riordan, E, 4/5, Why did I wait so long to read this?

12. Vulkanjäger, Katja Brandis, D, 3/5, Good adventurebook for younger readers.

13. Double Crossed: A Spies andd Thieves Story (Heist Society 2.5), Ally Carter, E, 3/5, Should really have read Gallagher Girls first.

14.  Wizards: The Myths, Legends, and Lore, Aubrey Sherman, E, 4/5, Very interesting, smiled everytime Harry Potter or BBC’s Merlin was mentioned.

15.  Vampires: The Myths, Legends, and Lore, Aubrey Sherman, E, 3/5, Not really a fan of Vampires but if you are you have to read this!

16. Nice Dragons Finish Last (Heartstrikers 1), Rachel Aaron, E, 3/5, Amazing worldbuilding!

17. The Tomb, H.P.Lovecraft, D, 2/5, I don´t even remember it.

18.  All the Ever Afters: The Untold Story of Cinderella's Stepmother, Danielle Teller, E, 3/5, Great new perspective, unfortunately not enough magic.

19. Stars Above (Lunar CHronicles Short Stories), Marissa Meyer, E, 3/5, I would read anything in this universe no matter if it´s good or not.

20.  To Kill a Kingdom, Alexandra Christo, E, 4/5, Really good, always love a dark fairytale retelling.

21. Her Royal Spyness (Royal Spyness 1), Rhys Bowen, E, 3/5, Expected more, it´s a bit slow.

22.  Mein Reckless Märchenbuch (Mirrorworld Readalong), Cornelia Funke, D, 5/5, It`s Cornelia Funke of course it´s brilliant. Also, everyone needs a collections of fairytales at home, just for refference. I have gotten into many a discussion about the specifics of a classic story that we needed to look up.

23. Air Awakens (Air Awakens 1), Elise Kova, E, 5/5, Fantastic read, couldn´t put it down.

24. Renegades (Renegades 1), Marissa Meyer, D, 4/5, Marissa Meyer writing about Superheroes? More please!

25. Fire Falling (Air Awakens 2), Elise Kova, E, 4/5, see 23.

26.Tales from the Front (Air Awakens 2.5), Elise Kova, E, 3/5, Kind of unnecessary, didn´t really add anything.

27. Earth´s End (Air Awakens 3), Elise Kova, E, 4/5, See 23.

28. The Thousand-Dollar Tan Line (Veronica Mars 1), Rob Thomas, E, 3/5, Was good when i read it but now after season 4 it just makes me sad.

29.  Mr. Kiss and Tell (Veronica Mars 2), Rob Thomas, E, 3/5, see 28.

30. China Rich Girlfriend (Crazy Rich Asians 2), Kevin Kwan, E, 4/5, A LOT of Characters but otherwise really great.

31. Rich People Problems (Crazy Rich Asians 3), Kevin Kwan, E, 3/5, see 30.

32. Witchmark (The Kingston Cycle 1), C.L.Polk, D, 5/5, Won it on lovelybooks (thanks again for that), amazing queer fantasy (often shelved as YA, it´s NOT, the protagonists are like 30 it´s not YA).

33. Water's Wrath (Air Awakens 4), Elise Kova, E, 4/5, see 23.

34. Crystal Crowned (Air Awakens 5), Elise Kova, E, 4/5, I read this and Water´s Wrath in one night, couldn´t put it down for the life of me.

35. Vicious (Villains 1), V.E.Schwab, E, 3/5, Do you know the kind of book that while you´re reading it is like meh but then you just can´t stop thinking about it?

36.  A Curse So Dark and Lonely (Cursebreakers 1), Brigid Kemmerer, E, 4/5, Great retelling, love the mix of modern and fairytale worlds.

37. Ninja: First Mission, Chris Bradford, E, 1/5, Just makes me want part 9 of Young Samurai even more.

38. DOORS: Der Beginn (Doors 1), Markus Heitz, D, 2/5, Love the idea but couldn´t really convince me.

39. Heartless, Marissa Meyer, E, 4/5, Really heartless, in the sense that it rips your heart right out of your chest and then crushes it, I think I cried... a lot.

40. Truthwitch (Witchlands 1), Susan Dennard, E, 4/5, Great start to a series, didn´t manage to read the sequels this year will try again in 2020.

41. The Forever War, Joe Haldeman, D, 3/5, A classic of the genere for a reason.

42. A rumor of Dragons (Dragonlance Chronicles 1), Margaret Weis, D, 1/5, Boring.

43. A Discovery of Witches (All Souls 1), Deborah Harkness, E, 4/5, The love story is a little rushed, still loved it though.

44. A Darker Shade of Magic (Shades of Magic 1), V.E.Schwab, E, 4/5, Why didn´t I read this years ago? I mean it´s been on my shelf? And it´s so good!

45. Catching Fire (The Hunger Games 2), Suzanne Collins, D, 5/5, Couldn´t stop even at 4am.

46. Mockingjay (The Hunger Games 3), Suzanne Collins, D, 4/5, I think I read this and 45 in one night (Yes I didn´t sleep).

47. Wicked Fox (Gumiho 1), Kat Cho, E, 3/5, Was in a Fairyloot box, underused setting therefore very interesting.

48. The Glass of Lead and Gold (Mirrorworld short story), Cornelia Funke, E, 3/5, Lovely but when are we finally getting book 4?

49. The MirrorWorld Anthology (Mirrorworld Readalong), Cornelia Funke, D, 4/5, Turns out we´re getting book 4 in 2020. FINALLY!!!!

50.  The Graveyard Book, Neil Gaiman, E, 2/5, Meh...

51. Mythos: The Greek Myths Retold, Stephen Fry, E, 3/5, Informativ but I prefer the ones by Riordan.

52. Shadow of Night (All Souls 2), Deborah Harkness, E, 3/5, Love the timetravel but like the first one it felt a little rushed.

53. James Acaster´s Classic Scrapes, James Acaster, E, 2/5, I really like his stand up but didn´t really enjoy this book.

54.  The October Man (Rivers of London 7.5), Ben Aaronovitch, E, 3/5, It´s always funny to read foreigners writing about your culture, if you like the other rivers of London books you will like this one.

55. A Gathering of Shadows (Shades of Magyk 2), V.E.Schwab, E,4/5, As good as the first one but with Pirates!

56. Caraval (Caraval 1), Stephanie Garber, E, 3/5, It´s ok but I can´t really understand the hype.

57. Spin the Dawn (The Blood of Stars 1), Elizabeth Lim, E, 4/5, I love this one, the writing is so beautiful.

58. Angelfall (Penryn and the End of Days 1), Susan Ee, E, 3/5, The Story is ok, but I absolutely love Penryn.

59. The Sleeper and the Spindle, Neil Gaiman, E, 4/5, Great story with amazing illustrations.

60. World After (Penryn and the End of Days 2), Susan Ee, E, 3/5, see 58.

61. End of Days (Penryn and the End of Days 3), Susan Ee, E, 3/5, see 58.

62. Strange the Dreamer (Strange the Dreamer 1), Laini Taylor, E, 4/5, Lovely Story with great Characters.

63. Pan´s Labyrinth: The Labyrinth of the Faun, Cornelia Funke, D, 3/5, I read it while listening to the movie soundtrack, can reccomend.

64. Kill the Queen (Crown of Shards 1), Jennifer Estep, E, 4/5, How does she write this many books in so little Time? And how are they all so good?

65. The Return of the Warrior (Young Samurai 9), Chris Bradford, E, 4/5, Noooo its over, I could cry this series was one of my favourites as a kid.

66. Spinning Silver, Naomi Novik, E, 3/5, Good retelling that gets a little over-complicated sometimes.

67. Muse of Nightmares (Strange the Dreamer 2), Laini Taylor, E, 3/5, Wow this turned very dark very fast.

68. Skyward (Skyward 1), Brandon Sanderson, E, 5/5, Spensa and M-Bot are deffinetely some of my favourite characters ever.

69. The Priory of the Orange Tree, Samantha Shannon, E, 5/5, Very long but deffinetely worth it.

70.  The Test, Sylvain Neuvel, E, 2/5, Very relevant but not really my style.

71. Archenemies (Renegades 2), Marissa Meyer, D, 5/5, Love it.

72. Shadow and Bone (The Shadow and Bone Trilogy 1), Leigh Bardugo, E, 4/5, God I just love the Setting.

73. Siege and Storm (The Shadow and Bone Trilogy 2), Leigh Bardugo, E, 4/5,  I know it´s not a very popular opinion but Mal is my favourite.

74.Ruin and Rising (The Shadow and bone Trilogy 3), Leigh Bardugo, E, 3/5, Bit disapointing as an ending but a rollercoaster in terms of feelings.

75. The Wrath and the Dawn (The Wrath and the Dawn 1), Reneè Ahdieh, E, 5/5, I think this is the 3rd time I read this it´s so good.

76. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Hogwarts Library 1), Newt Scamander, E, 3/5

77. Quidditch Through the Ages (Hogwarts Library 2), Kennilworthy Whisp, E, 5/5, I love this one it´s so funny.

78. The Tales of Beedle the Bard (Hogwarts Library 3), J.K.Rowling, E, 3/5

79. Short Stories from Hogwarts of Heroism, Hardship and Dangerous Hobbies (Pottermore Presents 1), J.K.Rowling, E, 4/5, It´s about McGonagall and Lupin of course it´s good.

80. Short Stories from Hogwarts of Power, Politics and Pesky Poltergeists (Pottermore Presents 2), J.K.Rowling, E, 2/5

81. Hogwarts: An Incomplete and Unreliable Guide (Pottermore Presents 3), J.K.Rowling, E, 3/5

82. Harry Potter: A Journey Through Charms and Defence Against the Dark Arts, J.K.Rowling, E, 2/5

83. The Traitor´s Kiss (The Traitor´s Circle 1), Erin Beaty, D, 2/5, A friend of mine realls loves this but I thought it was quite boring but I think that was just the translation that didn´t sit right with me it was kind of weird.

84. Mermaids: The Myths, Legends, and Lore, Skye Alexander, E, 2/5, Not as good as Vampires or Wizzards.

85. The Rose and the Dagger (The Wrath and the Dawn 2), Reneè Ahdieh, E, 3/5, Disapointing after the brilliant first one.

86. All Fall Down (Embassy Row 1), Ally Carter, E, 3/5, Didn´t really like it.

87. The Book of Life (All Souls 3), Deborah Harkness, E, 3/5, Good Ending, again very rushed.

88. Supernova (Renegades 3), Marissa Meyer, E, 4/5, God I love Simon and Hugh so much Spoilers!: I didn´t like that Ace turned out to be evil after all, I thought we would get a story with respectable leaders on both sides  which is really rare. Really loved the ending when we learned more about Magpie (i really hope there will be a Sequel or Spin Off).

89. Starsight (Skyward 2), Brandon Sanderson, E, 5/5, It was amazing but I missed the  original Crew.

90.  A River of Royal Blood ( A River of Royal Blood 1), Amanda Joy, E, 3/5, So many unanswered questions left!!

91. + 92.  The Grift of the Magi (Heist Society 3.5), Ally Carter, E, 4/5, Read it twice this year once in spring and the again before Christmas.

93. Red, White & Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston, E, 5/5, Maybe the best one this year, reads like really good FanFiction, it´s sooooooo good why aren´t you reading it right now?

94. Uncommon Criminals (Heist Society 2), Ally Carter, E, 5/5, Always fantastic

95. + 96. Perfect Scoundrels (Heist Society 3), Ally Carter, E, 5/5, So good I read it twice in a row.

97. Doctor Who: The Legends of River Song, Multiple Authors, E, 3/5,

98. Winter´s zerbrechlicher Fluch, Julia Adrian, D, 3/5, Only read if you really know your german fairytales it´s really confusing even if you know a lot about them.

99. Aurora Rising (Aurora Cycle 1), Amie Kaufman, E, 4/5, “They are not the heroes we wanted. They are just the ones we could find.”

100. Palace of Glass (Reckless Readalong), Cornelia Funke, D, 4/5, Can´t wait for Book 4!! Untill then i love everything that even mentions Jacob and Celeste.

Did you read any of these this year? Or any other year? Do you want to? What were your favourites of this year?

I hope you all had a fantastic 2019 and will have an even better 2020!

[tiny-circus]

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? I am confused how someone has stolen my identity and has started making accounts in my name :( so shit.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? No, mornings aren’t good haha

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? Yeah weed just makes people so unproductive. It would annoy me. If it was a social thing I wouldn’t mind buttttt would rather they didn’t. 

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Yeah once the trust is earned or I’ve got to know someone well. Some people are very open and easy to trust 

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? Watching the Hobbit

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?  Probably Steven lol 

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Leave, block, delete and never talk to again. There’s not much you can do when you’ve been cheated on other than pick yourself back up again and have time alone.

8: Are you close with your dad? Not really.

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? I did not babes

10: What are you listening to? Just got peep show playing in the background :P

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Tea

12: Do you like hickeys? Hate them. Ew.  

13: What time do you go to bed? Usually 11:30 - 12pm

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? No, I don’t tend to stick around when someone continuously does that

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? Who cares? XD

16: Do you always answer your texts? Yeah leaving them unread is so annoying

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? Nah, hate is a strong word and it happened a long time ago. All water under the bridge now.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? An hour or so ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? Yeeeeeah all my friends do 

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Probably something old like “my back still hurts”

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? Nah bare alonez right now

.22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? Yeah

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? I’m about the same

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? Not really

25: In the past week, have you cried? I shed a little tear reading Kingdom of Ash but I couldn’t have a full on cry in the middle of the train XD 26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Red

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? No its so rude when people call someone by their last name. I don’t like it

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? I dunno?

29: Do you have a best friend? No I’m not 5 30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? Wouldn’t be hard but I wouldn’t want to see it

31: Who was your last call from? EE - sorting out stupid identity theft shit

32: Are you mad at anyone? I’m a little annoyed. I have a friend that barely contacts me at all (which is fine, we’re all busy and have our lives) but when they do contact me its to talk about their problems that they don’t ever sort out over and over again.  I also don’t think it takes much of their time just to say “hey, what’s up, how’re you?” 

33. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yeah I think most people have been a little older

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? I don’t know, 29? 35: How many more days until your birthday? I am not counting, soz babe

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? Probably book a holiday to Greece, haven’t thought that far ahead 

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? Yes

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? I guess I’m keeping my feelings about the friend that barely messages me. I think I’ll have the conversation at some point but they get very anxious and upset whenever I voice a concern.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Not that I can think of

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Probably, some have been so bad XD

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? If you’re both consenting adults and there isn’t some weird power control then I guess its okay

42: Are you available? Available for? ;) 43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?   Two people

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Lip

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Yeah I think they can. I think if nothing awful happened and it ends okay, you both need some time apart to get used to having that distance between each other and do your own thing. Once you’re both in the same space mentally it can work.

46: Do you regret anything? Not really

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? Thinking about what is on my mind xD

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? I’ve drifted from people, yeah

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? Not a mistake, I liked him at the time but it didn’t work out. Oh well.

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? I got over the person I liked cos he didn’t want anything serious. I’ve been single for a while so, I don’t really want to mess around

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? No

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? Yeah sometimes, mostly just send each other weird memes

53: What was the last thing you ate? Homemade bread

54: Did you get any compliments today? No

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? JAPAN AND SOUTH KOREA :D

56: Do you own anything from other countries? I mean my whole wardrobe is mostly from Japan xD

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Half and half, but I’ve always got on better with girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life? Good ol’ Billerz

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? I don’t know

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No I don’t wanna kiss gross people xD

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? I’m not American so Idk what that is

62: Who do you text the most? Faun

63: What was the last movie you saw? The Hobbit

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? The fact that I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend right now xD

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010? 1

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? No

67: Do you curse around your parents? Yeah

68: Are you happy with where you live? S'ight, three stops from London so I ain’t complaining : P

69. Picture of yourself? Just check my profile lol

70. Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? I’m 100% monogamous

71. Have you ever been dumped? Yeh

72. What do you most like about making out? It leads to spooning which leads to forking

73. Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? Ye.

74. When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? The other, I’ve noticed I’m really bad at initiating anything physical. I get kind of nervous? I’m not really a touchy person haha

75. What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? The face and hair

76. Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? Mum 

77. Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? >___>

78. Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? >____>

79. What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? When someone messages me something really sweet, or take the time out of their day just to speak to me. I think a little effort goes a long way

80. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? Honestly depends on how strongly I feel about that person. I don’t want to say no because until I’m in the situation I don’t know

81. Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? Yeah

82. Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? Noooooooo I don’t tell anyone until I’m actually with that person. Idk I just have this paranoia that voicing my feelings to other people will ruin it or something will go wrong. So I just keep it to myself until things progress between me and the person I like

83. Do you miss your last sweetie? My what?

84. Last time you slow danced with someone? Never xD

85. Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? No, how does that work?

86. How can I win your heart? Make an effort, sense of humour, be respectful and kind and sociable 

87. What is your astrological sign? Gemini

88. What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Watching peep show and using my massage machine. My back has been in a lot of pain lately. Getting old init xD

89. Do you cook? Yeah gotta to stay alive 8)

90. Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? Yeah they got in contact with me. To be honest most guys end up getting back in touch, its either for a booty call, cos they’re feeling shit and lonely or they have a lot of apologising to do.

91. If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? I don’t wish for it, but if it happens then okay :B

92. Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? I’m not really into modern dating to be honest. I did it for a while and its a lot of effort and not much pay off. People stop talking for no reason or they don’t give a reason even though you get along. Then you need to build it back up again with someone else. I prefer to just get to know someone after time

93. What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest? Dark hair, baby face, nice fashion style, tattoos

94. Name four things that you wish you had: A long 3 month holiday My own house A cute guy to cuddle ;) Aaaand a million pounds yeah 

95. Are you a player? lol no, I’m very direct. Cba with wasting time

96. Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? Yeah

97. Are you a tease? Again, I’m very direct so if I want something I’ll say

98. Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? Yeah

99. Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? Yeash

100. Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? Nah no one is on here lol

101. Hugs or Kisses? Both :'3

102. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Not really

103. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Cute face, dark hair dark eyes ;) 104. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? Everyone should be called babe

105. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it? No I wouldn’t even bother speaking to them

106. Do you flirt a lot? Not at all xD 107. Your last kiss? What about it?

108. Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2011? Up until now? Yeah xD

109. Have you kissed anyone in the past month? Yeah 110. If you could kiss anyone who would it be? TOP

111. Do you know who you’ll kiss next? Nope

112. Does someone like you currently? Nah

113. Do you currently have feelings for anyone? Nah

114. Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious, flings are a waste of time for me 115. Ever made out with just a friend? No thats weird

116. Are you happier single or in a relationship? If the relationship is right, i’ll be happy but Im also happy being single

[kronos-the-timelord]

Dude, do all of the numbers for that getting to know you better ask! Or half bc 200 is a lot :0

ahhhhhh,, you so nice

1: My name? - Margaret

2: Do I have any nicknames? - maggie, mag, mags, maggles, at one point my friends called me parky

3: Zodiac sign? - libra

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? - i’ve never been too good at video games (but i like watching ppl playing them) and i’ve only ever had a wii so my sims kingdom was a favorite of mine

5: Book/series I reread? - divergent and pjo

6: Aliens or ghosts? - yes

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? - @kata-chthonia

8: Favourite radio station? - 103.3 fm, although i mostly listen to spotify now

9: Favourite flavour of anything? - grape and blue raspberry

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? - great or cool

11: Favourite song? - a to b by matt hires

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? - it usually has to do with what drew me to them in the first place followed up by a version ‘why do you think that?’ i like knowing how ppl think bc it gives me a better way to start understand their view

13: Favourite word? - aurora

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? - i can’t really remember, so i dont know what that says :/

15: Last song I listened to? - serial killer by moncrieff

16: TV show I always recommend? - dexter or if they don’t like blood and violence, any of john mulaneys specials

17: Pirates or ninjas? - i liked pirates when i was younger, but ninjas are cool

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down? - any studio ghibli or song of the sea

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? - lately its been SLUT by bea miller

20: Favourite video games? - i really love boderlands, the art style is great

21: What am I most afraid of? - snakes and failing at something i’ve been saying that i wanted to do my entire life

22: A good quality of mine? - im nice??

23: A bad quality of mine? - im a bit aggressive and im really blunt about things

24: Cats or dogs? - dogs!! I like cats too but i dont know how to interact with them

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in? - he’s a voice actor, but crispin freeman is really cool!

26: Favourite season? - fall and spring

27: Am I in a relationship? - yeah, but it’s long distance during the school year ;-;

28: Something I miss? - my boi,, he’ll be back soon tho

29: My best friend? @keencheckerboard and @memeathon

30: Eye colour? - brown

31: Hair colour? - brown with red and blonde highlights

32: Someone I love? - my mom

33: Someone I trust? - @keencheckerboard

34: Someone I always think about? - @memeathon

35: Am I excited about anything? - finals to be over!

36: My current obsession? - bnha tbh

37: Favourite TV shows as a child? - i loved avatar and ed, edd, and eddy

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? - to an extent, but i dont tell them /every/thing

39: Am I superstitious? - kind of

40: What do I think about most? - right now, school

41: Do I have any strange phobias? - not really, i mean i overthink a lot of things, but there’s no phobias

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? behind

43: Favourite hobbies? - drawing/reading/writing/sleeping

44: Last book I read? - i think it was called stung, i actually finished it bc i wanted to complain about it properly

45: Last film I watched? - dumbo, my friend wanted to go see it, it wasnt good

46: Do I play any instruments? - i played clarinet for 3 years

47: Favourite animal? - dogs

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow? - @wemakuu @wemakuutwo @keencheckerboard @memeathon @kata-chthonia

49: Superpower I wish I could have? - teleportation

50: How do I destress? - getting cozy and warm under my blankets with the lights off

51: Do I like confrontation? - i can be aggressive so i will be confrontational if i have to but i don’t go out of my way for it

52: When do I feel most at peace? - in my bed with the lights off

53: What makes me smile? - my friends, my boi, and goofy animal videos

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? - gotta be pitch black

55: Play any sports? - i played roller derby for 3 years

56: What is my song of the week? - really feeling be by hozier

57: Favourite drink? - …..water…. and a slushee

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody? - i think last summer???

59: Afraid of heights? - nope

60: Pet peeve? - slow walkers

61: What was the last concert I went to see? - does my high school’s band count???

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? - nah

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? - ob nurse, i still do

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? - no, i’ve had ppl i tolerated turn into ppl i hate tho

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? - bhna, but i feel the hero drama would get annoying after awhile

66: Something I worry about? - failing my classes

67: Scared of the dark? - nope

68: Who are my best friends? - this is the same as 29

69: What do I admire most about others? - their drive and where their motivation comes from

70: Can I sing? - no ;-;

71: Something I wish I could do? - sing

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do? - pay off my loans and (hopefully) for the rest of my college and then put whatever i had left into a savings account

73: Have I ever skipped school? - yes

74: Favourite place on the planet? - i think the smoky mountains are really pretty and i loved vacationing around them, but colorado was really neat too, so probs one of those places

75: Where do I want to live? - somewhere on the northeast coast!

76: Do I have any pets? - yeah!! He’s a doggo named dageus,,,, here he is,, the big boi!! (hes 121 pounds of love!!!!!)

77: What is my current desktop picture? - something @memeathon drew me

78: Early bird or night owl? - night owl

79: Sunsets or sunrise? - im usually awake during sunset, but sunrise is really pretty

80: Can I drive? - yeah!

81: Story behind my last kiss? - i was saying bye to my boi at the airport

82: Earphones or headphones? - earphones

83: Have I ever had braces? - yeah,, they weren’t fun

84: Story behind one of my scars? - i have a couple little ones from acne on my back but other than that i don’t have any

85: Favourite genre of music? - i think indie rock?? Is that a genre?? Punk maybe????

86: Who is my hero? - florence nightingale,, she was hella cool and i went to her museum in london

87: Favourite comic book character? - i didn’t read a lot of comic books but i always liked spiderman and witchblade

88: What makes me really angry? - when ppl make fun of my friends >:l

89: Kindle or real book? - i like real books but ebooks are nice for traveling!!

90: Favourite sporty activity? - roller derby or skating

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be? - im not really sure what this question means????? But i didn’t like that in my middle school that the behavior coach(es) would already pick sides or would already hate kids that did nothing wrong and then in my high school no one cleaned up after themselves bc ‘the janitors can do it’ :/ it was really annoying

92: What was my favourite subject at school? - english/creative writing and art!!

93: Siblings? - i got an older brother who’s a big nerd

94: What was the last thing I bought? - i went to target last night and i got $68 worth of stuff including planty stuff, food, and gift stuff for my boyfriend’s moms

95: How tall am I? - 5’6” but i will not hesitate bitch

96: Can I cook? - yeah!

97: Can I bake? - yeah!

98: 3 things I love? - my friends/family, animals, and plants

99: 3 things I hate? - slow walkers, rasict/homo/trans/biphobic (anyone who just hates ppl for no reason tbh), and rude ppl >:l

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? - more girl friends,,, i’ve kinda lost contact with most of my guy friends over the years,,,,

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys? - i feel more comfortable around other girls now but when i was younger i was okay with everyone

102: Where was I born? - in the cornfields of the midwest (i fucking hate this state)

103: Sexual orientation? - straight

104: Where do I currently live? - in the cornfields of the midwest, i am the creature you’re warned about, don’t walk alone at night

105: Last person I texted? - @memeathon : D

106: Last time I cried? - yesterday,,, finals hit me hard but i feel better now :D

107: Guilty pleasure? - uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,, looking at gross stuff,,, like surgeries and sometimes those pimple popping videos,,,,,,,,

108: Favourite Youtuber? - i’ve been watching a lot of gordon ramsay videos lately but i think brandon rogers or sovietwomble are up there

109: A photo of myself. - heres one i took on my break at work

110: Do I like selfies? - no,,, i don’t really like looking back on photos of myself bc i think i just look weird,, like even in my super nice senior photos,,, or baby pictures,,

111: Favourite game app? - does neko astsume count???

112: My relationship with my parents? - it’s p good :D

113: Favourite accents? - i’m not really sure,,, i think just a flat accent, like midwestern bc its the one im most familiar with so its like homey???????

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? - japan,, nowhere in specific i just want to see the country

115: Favourite number? - 23!!!!

116: Can I juggle? - no

117: Am I religious? - im a polytheist (a bad one, but oh well)

118: Do I like space? - i love space!!!! Its so neat!!!!!!

119: Do I like the deep ocean? - no!!! Its awful!!!!

120: Am I much of a daredevil? - i think my friends think i am, but i dont really think so, i mean i’ll try anything if it sounds fun, but not everything

121: Am I allergic to anything? - not that i know of

122: Can I curl my tongue? - yes

123: Can I wiggle my ears? - no

124: Do I like clowns? - not really

125: The Beatles or Elvis? - a little bit of each

126: My current project? - my creative writing portfolio ;-; its not that hard but im trying to figure out how to get this character right

127: Am I a bad loser? - depends on what i lost in, like if it was a game i didn’t really care about than no, but if it was something that i cared about a lot than yeah

128: Do I admit when I wrong? - i always try to, but sometimes i don’t

129: Forest or beach? - forest,, i don’t like the beach,, too much sand

130: Favourite piece of advice? - it’s not really advice but just the reminder that your current situation is not your final destination

131: Am I a good liar? - i think so

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district? - slytherin (its funny bc im scared of snakes)/ dauntless/ and i think district 6 (i live in the crossroads of america so yeah)

133: Do I talk to myself? - all the fucking time

134: Am I very social? - sometimes, i am kinda a social introvert

135: Do I like gossip? - i like to hear it but not be part of it

136: Do I keep a journal/diary? - i have a bullet journal and i try to keep up with my habit and mood tracker daily

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? - no, but i have gotten like high d’s and low c’s before that make me sad

138: Do I believe in second chances? - depends on what they messed up on the first chance, like if someone cheated then no

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? - i would like to say that i would return it with no money taken, but im just not sure :/

140: Do I believe people are capable of change? - yeah, if they’re really trying and realize that they need to, but even if they do change i know not everyone will accept them back into their lives and it shouldn’t be expected that they should after someone changes for the better

141: Have I ever been underweight? - no

142: Am I ticklish? - very and i have this weird tactile thing thats like i dont like ppl lightly touching me, it freaks me out

143: Have I ever been in a submarine? - no

144: Have I ever been on a plane? - yes!! I love flying!! Its so much fun!!

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family? - uhhhh,, im going to go by face,, i think for me - shailene woodley bc when she had her short hair ppl told me i looked like her @meme - liana liberato, she got the round face @keen - winona ryder (but back in beetlejuice) boyfriend - tucker west, i know he’s not an actor but he looks so much like him,,,, also it took me forever just to find these guys so im not finding family :p

146: Have I ever been overweight? - no

147: Do I have any piercings? - i have my ears pierced!

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real? - hari jurono,,, i love him ;-;

149: Do I have any tattoos? - no, but i already have some picked out that i want

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? - ummmm??? Im not sure?????

151: Do I believe in Karma? - yeah

152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? - contacts during the day and glasses at night

153: What was my first car? - i have a subaru crosstrek named inko!!! I love her!!

154: Do I want children? - no

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know? - my mom tbh,,, shes really smart

156: My most embarrassing memory? - omfg,, so this goes to show how oblivious i am about social interactions, but it was my first week in college and this junior was talking to me and i didnt realize he was flirting with me until after we traded snapchats and he left, so i panicked and never said anything to him again and blocked him

157: What makes me nostalgic? - when i walk around my neighborhood sometimes (i live near the preschool i went to) and i was over at my elementary school almost a year ago now, but i remember walking down the hall and seeing all the different teachers there now and it made me sad

158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? - yes, just last week

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? - brains

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? - darker colors like black and blue, but im trying to get lighter ones in there too

161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? - yes, many times, but the one that sticks out to me is that one night i woke up at like 5 am for no reason, but i was just suddenly wide awake and something felt off, so i was trying to get comfy again and flipped over on my other side so i was facinging the door into my room instead of my wall and in front of my door was a tall black figure with red eyes staring at me and when i blinked it went away,, now i know this can be explained by some other things but with my family it seems more likely to be paranormal

162: What do I hate most about myself? - uhh, i procrastinate way too much

163: What do I love most about myself? - i always support my friends

164: Do I like adventure? - depends on the adventure,,, i like traveling, but not too much walking bc i have bad knees

165: Do I believe in fate? - not really

166: Favourite animal? - question 47

167: Have I ever been on radio? - no, but i was on my school’s announcements and i hated it

168: Have I ever been on TV? - no

169: How old am I? - 19

170: One of my favourite quotes? - “The Gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment could be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed”

171: Do I hold grudges? - im petty

172: Do I trust easily? - no,, im just cautious around ppl bc i just don’t know them

173: Have I learnt from my mistakes? - some of them

174: Best gift I’ve ever received? - im not too sure,,, i got a p cool backpack for my birthday tho that i use everyday

175: Do I dream? - yeah, cant remember too many tho

176: Have I ever had a night terror? - no??

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? - can’t remember a lot after i wake up, but i just recently had one with some bnha characters in it, i can’t remember what happened, i just know that they were there

178: An experience that has made me stronger? - i know this might sound a bit morbid, but my aunt’s funeral, it was the first funeral i went to where i understood what was happening and it made me more open to learning and accepting death

179: If I were immortal, what would I do? - want to fucking die,,, i’ve never understood ppl who are scared of dying/want to live forever,, like why would you want that??? What’s the point??? You’ll just watch everyone you love die,,, i know it’s going to be hard on me when that happens to my closer family members, but even the new ppl you befriend,, i just couldn’t

180: Do I like shopping? - yeas

181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? - tax evasion

182: What does “family” mean to me? - the ppl who i care about deeply and who love me, not all of them are blood related and not all the blood related ones are part of it

183: What is my spirit animal? - idk?????? Maybe a turtle???

184: How do I want to be remembered? - tbh, i don’t really want to be remembered

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? - drawing

186: What is my greatest failure? - im not sure

187: What is my greatest achievement? - uhh, i feel like its hard to point at a specific point and be like “that was the best thing i could have done, if i didn’t do that i wouldn’t be who i am today”

188: Love or money? - money

189: Love or career? - career

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go? - probably to some point in the future,, i dont know where tho

191: What makes me the happiest? - the ppl i care about being happy

192: What is “home” to me? - the house i currently live in,, my family is here and im surrounded by ppl i love,, it’ll probably change with time, but for now its here

193: What motivates me? - spite

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be? - it’s important to keep moving forward, don’t let the past hold you down

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? - kind of, i think it would be p cool

196: A movie that scared me as a child? - it wasn’t a movie but i know the animated wolf from peter and the wolf freaked me out

197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? - i hated mushrooms, but i love them now

198: Zombies or vampires? - vampires

199: Live in the city or suburbs? - suburbs super close to city

200: Dragons or wizards? - DRAGONS

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me? - its silly but when i was younger it would be my mom and i going to the mall downtown and the escalators were missing the part that connected them to the floor so you had to hop over it and when we would get to the 4th floor i would miss the jump and fall

202: How do I define love? - i know a lot of ppl are like “i would die for you or kill for you” something along those lines but i think it’s more living for someone, wanting to see them accomplish everything they wanted, being there for them during their lows203: Do I judge a book by its cover? - yeah, i wont pick up something that doesnt catch my eye

204: Have I ever had my heart broken? - no

205: Do I like my handwriting? - yeah!! Its loopy

206: Sweet or savoury? - sweet

207: Worst job I’ve had? - ive liked all the jobs ive had

208: Do I collect anything? no

209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? - a hoodie/sweater of some kind

210: What is on my bucket list? - going to greece

211: How do I handle anger? - i usually rant for a bit, maybe cry to get the extra hormones out, maybe break something

212: Was I named after anyone? - no, but i did have the same name as my great grandma

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? - yes

214: What TV character am I most like? - im been watching bnha a lot so i think either kirishima or uraraka

215: What is the weirdest talent I have? - i can cross my eyes and then move one of them

216: Favourite fictional character? - ,,,,, im not sure,, i really love eric from divergent

[chippedcupanddustybooks]

Get to know me - tag I was tagged by @anotherplumbob so here you go! I tried to update my simself a bit. Even though my hair is way longer right now :D 1. What is your full name? Celine 2. What is your nickname? Chip 3. Birthday? june 22nd 4. What is your favorite book series? Definitely Harry Potter :D 5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Not in the scary horror movie kind of way. I guess there’s probably some kind of life somewhere out there in the universe. And on the matter of ghosts: Sometimes I want to believe our loved ones aren’t gone completely and still watching over us in some kind but not in a spooky haunting houses kind of way :P 6. Who is your favorite author? J.K. Rowling  7. What is your favorite radio station? I only listen to my local radio station on my way to work in my car   8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? Lime 9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? awesome I guess 10. What is your current favorite song?  Writing down favorites is always so hard because mine change so much :D But I like the song “Odds of Being Alone” by Trent Dabbs & Amy Stroup a lot at the moment

Putting the rest under the cut for not spamming your dash!

11. What is your favorite word? mhm not really favorite word but my best friend is always saying I use the word amusing a lot even though no one really uses it anymore . Also nostalgic 12. What was the last song you listened to? see favorite song   13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Everything on this list  14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? One of the old Disney movies! I have almost every movie on DVD 15. Do you play video games? yes 16. What is your biggest fear? Losing loved ones 17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I think I’m quit empathic and people say I’m good at giving advice and cheering them up. 18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? I talk too much and am being sarcastic to protect myself way too much 19. Do you like cats or dogs better? dogs! 20. What is your favorite season? spring but autumn being very close second 21. Are you in a relationship? no 22. What is something you miss from your childhood? not having to worry about so much  23. Who is your best friend? I have a male best friend I met back in high school 24. What is your eye color? Dark blue with a partial heterochromia in my left eye 25. What is your hair color? dark rown 26. Who is someone you love? My family, friends and pets 27. Who is someone you trust? The persons I trust most are my mother and my best friend 28. Who is someone you think about often? Everyone I know that is struggling with something and people I lost 29. Are you currently excited about/for something? Hopefully celebrating christmas with my whole family again this year! Also having some days off around the end of december! 30. What is your biggest obsession? Constantly changing between my hobbys and interests - currently I’m back at obsessing about everything Harry Potter related 31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? As small child I loved House of mouse and Bear in the big blue house 32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? my best friend 33. Are you superstitious? no 34. Do you have any unusual phobias? I absolutely terrified of diving and being pulled under water - especially after a teacher in school nearly drowned me when I was 11yrs old 35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? I’m working in video post production and as a photographer so definitely BEHIND the camera! 36. What is your favorite hobby? ballroom dancing, sims, reading & photography 37. What was the last book you read? Currently rereading the Harry Potter series so right now I’m at chamber of secrets!

38. What was the last movie you watched? I saw phantastic beasts 2 last monday

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? sadly I can’t play any instruments even though I would love to be able to play the piano 40. What is your favorite animal?  dogs 41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? That’s way too hard to decide :D 42. What superpower do you wish you had? going back in time   43. When and where do you feel most at peace?  cuddling with my dogs at home 44. What makes you smile? happy animals, seing my friends & family 45. What sports do you play, if any? I’m not a sports person at all - if you don’t count ballroom dancing 46. What is your favorite drink? coffee 47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? A long while ago back in school   48. Are you afraid of heights? no 49. What is your biggest pet peeve? narcissim and impoliteness 50. Have you ever been to a concert? no 51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? no 52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I always wanted to work with pets but I couldn’t bear seeing all the awful things at a vet or shelter so I decided to go for something different. I still volunteer at the shelter though! 53. What fictional world would you like to live in? The Harry Potter universe 54. What is something you worry about? I’m constantly worrying about everyone around me 55. Are you scared of the dark? no  56. Do you like to sing? in the car to myself yes but in front of others no way 57. Have you ever skipped school? yes I skipped a few useless classes sometimes 58. What is your favorite place on the planet? My favorite city is London. Favorite place is sitting on my window sill with the window open at summer nights! 59. Where would you like to live? London or somewhere in switzerland even though I love my home town 60. Do you have any pets? two silver labradors 61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? night owl 62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? sunsets 63. Do you know how to drive? Yes  64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? For working or at home headphones but for travelling earbuds 65. Have you ever had braces? yes from age 11-14yrs 66. What is your favorite genre of music? I don’t have a favorite genre it’s a wild mix of everything from calm alternative music to Rock’n’Roll from the 50s 67. Who is your hero? My mother  68. Do you read comic books? no but I read some Disney comics when I was younger 69. What makes you the most angry? people lying to my face, someone hurting my loved ones 70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? I tried to like E-books but I just can’t get used to them and I love the smell of new books! 71. What is your favorite subject in school? Geography 72. Do you have any siblings? 1 half-sister but we don’t have much contact 73. What was the last thing you bought? a christmas present for my grandma and a Winnie Pooh notebook  74. How tall are you? 165cm / 5,4 feet 75. Can you cook? A few things 76. What are three things that you love? cuddling with pets, sitting on my window sill on a rainy day, sleeping 77. What are three things that you hate? having to wake up early, annoying people & animal abuse 78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? female but it used to be the other way around for a long time 79. What is your sexual orientation? straight  80. Where do you currently live? Germany 81. Who was the last person you texted? a friend of mine 82. When was the last time you cried? two weeks ago on my way back from work after a real shitty week 83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? I don’t watch YouTube a lot so I don’t have one 84. Do you like to take selfies? not at all - my phone is basically 80% dog photos 85. What is your favorite app? the apps I use the most are Whatsapp, discord, tumblr & spotify 86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? My mom and I are very close/ my father and I have a very complicated relationship 87. What is your favorite foreign accent? I love the british accent 88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? I would love to visit canada and ireland one day 89. What is your favorite number? 4 90. Can you juggle? no 91. Are you religious? no 92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? The deep ocean even though I’m totally scared of being under water 93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? No not really more of the opposite 94. Are you allergic to anything? kiwis and most pain killers 95. Can you curl your tongue? no 96. Can you wiggle your ears? no 97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? I’m always open to admitting I’ve done something wrong in argument because it’s never jsut one person that did something wrong 98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? forest 99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?  Not really an advice but a lesson I learned. Sometimes you can’t save everyone from themselves. So sometimes you just have to let go. 100. Are you a good liar? depends on who I’m lying to. I hate lying to people that mean a lot to me so those often notice something is wrong.  101. What is your Hogwarts House? Ravenclaw 102. Do you talk to yourself? yes sometimes 103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? A mix of both. More of an introvert I guess but once I get to know people I can also be an extrovert 104. Do you keep a journal/diary? I used to a few years ago but not anymore 105. Do you believe in second chances? yes but I give way too many to people I like 106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?return it or hand it to the police 107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? yes but sometimes people are wa better in changing for the worse 108. Are you ticklish? no 109. Have you ever been on a plane? yes 110. Do you have any piercings? no not even ear holes 111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Dobby!  112. Do you have any tattoos? no 113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? applaing for my current job 114. Do you believe in karma? Yes 115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? no  116. Do you want children? I’m not sure if it’s going to change but at the moment I would say I don’t think so 117. Who is the smartest person you know? my mother 118. What is your most embarrassing memory? I’m so clumsy I’m getting myself into embarassing situations every day. But on the top of the list would be a mistake on my graduation that caused ALL my photos from my external drive ending up in the slideshow that was shown on stage... 119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? yes 120. What color are most of you clothes? all shades of blue, dark red, grey and brown 121. Do you like adventures? I’m a control freak so it’s hard for me to enjoy situations that I don’t know the end of 122. Have you ever been on TV? yes, I worked as a photgrapher on a pet adoption show and was seen in the background  123. How old are you? 21 124. What is your favorite quote? Sometimes the best book has the dustiest jacket and the best tea cup is chipped ;) 125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savory    I’m tagging @saurussims @simblrbreezycakes & @mlyssimblr (Feel free to ignore this if you don’t want to do it!)

[in-one-sockk]

1-150 for the asks :3🦋

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? - @when-youcant-sleepat-night2. Are you outgoing or shy? - im bipolar3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? - my pretty girlfriend on my birthday4. Are you easy to get along with? - I don’t know, find out5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? - begrudgingly, she hates vomit6. What kind of people are you attracted to? - butches with nice arms7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? - definitely, we’re at six months!8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? - Frank Iero9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? - not at all10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? - the moon11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? - “meanie”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? - Make it Right - BTS, Summertime - MCR, bellyache - Billie Eilish, Dilbar - Neka Kakkar, This Is Home - Cavetown

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? - NO I have curly hair and if you touch it or interfere with it it looks like I’ve been dragged through a bush by my ankles14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? - I believe in good and bad karma15. What good thing happened this summer? - I met my girlfriend16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - yes17. Do you think there is life on other planets? - I think it’d be pretty egotistical to not18. Do you still talk to your first crush? - nahh19. Do you like bubble baths? - I like them, for like five minutes because I need to wash my hair and they get in the way20. Do you like your neighbors? - my neighbours are scared of sunlight21. What are you bad habits? - pulling away because I think I’m a burden22. Where would you like to travel? - Norway, Japan, places with blue seas and flowers23. Do you have trust issues? - I have a narcissistic mother, so yahh24. Favorite part of your daily routine? - getting into bed25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? - my shoulders, they’re broad26. What do you do when you wake up? - die inside 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? - neither, I don’t really think about it28. Who are you most comfortable around? - my girlfriend 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? - a lot of them, but for manipulative reasons30. Do you ever want to get married? only to @when-youcant-sleepat-night31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? - yeah but not a cute one32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? - Brie Larson (short hair) and Erika Linder  33. Spell your name with your chin - nopee34. Do you play sports? What sports? - I used to be a swimmer, and I did trampolining and high jump, but I haven’t done sports in a while35. Would you rather live without TV or music? - TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? - nope, I’m quite blunt37. What do you say during awkward silences? - I’m usually the awkward silent one, unless I’m high energy38. Describe your dream girl? - can cook, nice hands, sweet laugh, fairly tall, short hair, strong, patient, likes cuddles, understanding, pretty masculine energied39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? - ASOS Marketplace, thrift shops, Pull&Bear, Urban Outfitters, Run & Fly, Etsy40. What do you want to do after high school? - get married, have kids, be a housewife with a greenhouse and a vegetable garden. Can I do that? Nope. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? - No, but context. If your partner hits you do they deserve a second chance? No. But you gotta let people learn and grow from their mistakes?42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? - I want attention, I’m sad, scared, suicidal, tired, confused, embarrassed. So really a lot43. Do you smile at strangers? - If I like their energy44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? - I love both of these things but am also terRIFIED of both these things45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? - a better day might come 46. What are you paranoid about? - money and not having enough47. Have you ever been high? - yeahh48. Have you ever been drunk? - too much49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? - yeah but obviously I’m not gonna tell you50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? - Green, my favourite51. Ever wished you were someone else? - a lot of the time52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? - I’d like to have a skill?hobby I could turn into a career I’d enjoy53. Favourite makeup brand? - I dont really have one, but I’ve used the exact same Rimmel London eyeliner since I was 1154. Favourite store? - Etsy55. Favourite blog? - @malnedott has a lot of cute aesthetics56. Favourite colour? - forest green57. Favourite food? - chilli with lots of sour cream (I dont like spicy food)58. Last thing you ate? - a jelly baby59. First thing you ate this morning? - a jelly baby60. Ever won a competition? For what? - I won a competition last month on “who can use the most words beginning with V and create a story that makes sense” 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? - I skipped school for a while when I was depressed62. Been arrested? For what? - nopee63. Ever been in love? - I’m very in love right now64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? - I actually can’t remember it..65. Are you hungry right now? - very, but I’m lazy66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? - I have no tumblr friends, no one talks to me67. Facebook or Twitter? - neither68. Twitter or Tumblr? - Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? - nope, I’m on Skype70. Names of your bestfriends? - Non, Maya, Calli (my cat)71. Craving something? What? - a cuddle72. What colour are your towels? - I don’t actually own any72. How many pillows do you sleep with? - two!73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? - a stuffed unicorn and a blanket my girlfriend gave me74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? - seven?75. Favourite animal? - penguin76. What colour is your underwear? - I’m not wearing any 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? - chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? - sherbet!79. What colour shirt are you wearing? - brown ish red??80. What colour pants? - grey with batman logos81. Favourite tv show? - currently Killing Eve82. Favourite movie? - Mamma Mia 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? - we don’t talk about the sequel..84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls (I’ve never seen the other one)85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? - Glenn Coco86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? - The stingray bus87. First person you talked to today? - @when-youcant-sleepat-night88. Last person you talked to today? - my little sister89. Name a person you hate? - Gauge…. my old supervisor at work90. Name a person you love? - my little sister91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? - Eden (my sisters ex who left her suicidal)92. In a fight with someone? - sort of.. a non-resolved ignoring of each other and93. How many sweatpants do you have? - one I think94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? - 495. Last movie you watched? - Jennifer’s Body96. Favourite actress? - Jodie Comer97. Favourite actor? - Rami Malek98. Do you tan a lot? - never99. Have any pets? - two cats and one spawn of satan with a cat face100. How are you feeling? - kinda empty rn101. Do you type fast? - when I’m high energy, but am I skilled at it? nope102. Do you regret anything from your past? - dating that teacher that one time103. Can you spell well? - awkwardly, I can spell complicated words really well, but basic words where multiple of the same letters are next to each other are evil, like, I always think there’s two F’s in professor or one D in address 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? - my old best friend I guess sometimes 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? - no but I’d love to!106. Ever broken someone’s heart? - my mothers maybe107. Have you ever been on a horse? - yes and they’re evil creatures108. What should you be doing? - homework109. Is something irritating you right now? - having to go cook110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? - yes, my girlfriend before we got together111. Do you have trust issues? - isnt this repeated?112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? - my girlfriend113. What was your childhood nickname? - Fifi Forget me not114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? - yes!115. Do you play the Wii? - yes, and hugely beat @when-youcant-sleepat-night at Mario Karts116. Are you listening to music right now? - my sister’s bath music from the next room117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? - I’ve never had it 118. Do you like Chinese food? - not really119. Favourite book? - The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier120. Are you afraid of the dark? - yes..121. Are you mean? - sometimes 122. Is cheating ever okay? - NEVER, especially when you’re Russian and pretend you’re a nice person and constantly talk about how cheating is never okay desPITE doing it to every girlfriend you’ve had123. Can you keep white shoes clean? - no, my converse are basically grey124. Do you believe in love at first sight? - i dont know125. Do you believe in true love? - thoroughly126. Are you currently bored? - a little127. What makes you happy? - flowers128. Would you change your name? - yes, for varying reasons. I dont like mine much, and to hide from some bad people129. What your zodiac sign? - gemini130. Do you like subway? - the food? not really131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? - bluntly make it clear I’m gay132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? - I think this is repeated too133. Favourite lyrics right now? - “I wanna build a place in you, where I can be made new”134. Can you count to one million? - probably not135. Dumbest lie you ever told? - “Of course I know what I’m doing”136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? - my bedroom door closed, wardrobe open137. How tall are you? - 176cm138. Curly or Straight hair? - I have curly hair, but straight hair requires a lot less effort and upkeep139. Brunette or Blonde? - ginger140. Summer or Winter? - autumn141. Night or Day? - night142. Favourite month? - August143. Are you a vegetarian? - no, but I can’t be in my current living situation144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? - none145. Tea or Coffee? - tea, black and cold146. Was today a good day? - no, all the customers decided to buy huge amounts as the store closed. If you do this, you are the worst kind of person and yes, we all thoroughly hate you147. Mars or Snickers? - neither148. What’s your favourite quote? - “They tell you to do your own thing but they don’t mean it. They don’t want you to do your thing, not unless it happens to be their thing, too.”149. Do you believe in ghosts? - no but I believe in bad energies150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? - Lateness fucking noticed, loser bitch  

[himbosims]

The Simself Challenge? Is that what this is called? I have no idea. . .

The challenge is basically to make a simself then answer a fuck ton of question so here we are. Thanks @willowbomb and @sim-borg for tagging me. I’ll tag: whoever wants to do this because idk who hasn't done this yet

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Taylor

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? My childhood nickname was Tot. My friends call me d*ke and slut though so hey

3. BIRTHDAY? July 23, 2001

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? Series definitely The Mortal Instruments or the Infernal Artifacts by Cassandra Clare

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? Both i think, definitely aliens. I don't fuck with ghosts and all that because I don't want to die

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? Right now my favs are Adam Silvera and Becky Albertalli

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? Where I live we have five stations, one that plays music from the 30’s all the time, three country, and one that says it plays pop but ends up playing country anyways. So, none.

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? Idk man, thats a loaded question. Probably vanilla

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? ??? lit… idk dude I was trying to think of something that's weird but I can't think of anything

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? Be My Mistake by The 1975 or Not Warriors by Waterparks

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? Serious answer, lunacy (there's a reason its my username) not as serious, I just heard someone outside yell for the chillin’s and I started laughing because that word is great

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?  I’m currently listening to From Eden by Hozier

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? Shameless, Glee, Shadowhunters, Grey’s. I could go on.

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN?Love, Simon, Call Me By Your Name, or The Perks of Being a Wallflower

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? Obviously

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? Spiders and needles

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? nothing

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? Everything, in seriousness, my selfishness or narcissism,  

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? Cats are my favorites but dogs are cool

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? Never have been

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? NOT AS MUCH STRESS

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? Irl- my friend EJ. Online- @hallowiamshebsims

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Green

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? brown

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? Read 23

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? Read 23

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? Read 23

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? I don't remember the last time I was excited for something

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? Writing I think

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? Hannah Montana, Ned Declassified, Drake and Josh, Flapjack, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Chowder, Rugrats. I'm a true early Gen Z kid

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? My girl best friend, I dont tell him everything because i'm a secretive bitch

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? Nah

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? Read 16

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? Both

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? Writing, reading, creating imaginary worlds to live in

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? I am almost done with History Is All You Left me by Adam Silvera and oh boy that book

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Paranorman: “You’re gonna love my boyfriend, he’s like a total chick flick nut.”

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? N/A

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? Cats

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? @hallowiamshebsims @simmerberlin @willowbomb @pollinationqueen @gunthermnch

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? The ability to always have the money to pay for things

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? My room probably

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? People falling down, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJq4jWSQNd

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? That’s cute

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Coffee

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? I have two teachers that are really weird about phones and talking in class so we pass notes instead

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? Nah

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? LOUD EATERS

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? I went to a christian concert when I was like 5 so there's that

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? Nope, I live in the south how do you expect me to not eat meat

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? Teacher since I live in the south and that's the only jobs beside retail or waitress in my town

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? The Shadow World, but I wanna be a warlock, not a dumb shadowhunter lol

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? Everything

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? I’m afraid of what's in the dark, which is a hard ass way to say yes

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? All the time but im tone deaf so its bad

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? If I was sick, yeah. Other than that, I did twice. Once because I had a really bad panic attack right before the bus got to my house and I called my mom claiming I was really sick, and once a few weeks ago because my dog got sprayed by a skunk therefore making me smell like a skunk

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? uhhhhhhh

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? New York City, LA, San Francisco, Toronto, Portland, London. Any big city to be honest

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? A dog and three cats

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? Both. I sometimes stay up super late and sometimes i'm up really early. And if I can actually force myself out of bed I can get a lot done in either of those times

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? Sunrises

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? Yeah but im gay so its not good driving l

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? Everything that wont break in a week

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? Nah

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? I don't really have a favorite, I listen to all kinds of stuff

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? Uhhhhh, Deadpool, or Spiderman

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? Nope

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? It takes a lot to make me angry but when im angry it's bad and I forget what i do when i was angry so i don't really know

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? Real

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? English and Creative Writing

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? Younger sister, younger step brother

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? A starbucks coffee last night

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5’7 or something

75. CAN YOU COOK? Depends on what i'm cooking

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? Books, music, friends

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? Racists, homophobes, sexists- so basically most the people in my town (hell what am i kidding, this side of the Mason-Dixon line)

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? One of each

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? I am on the ace spectrum and I am panromantic

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? ‘Merica the brave

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? Sheb

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Like, yesterday

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? CallMeKevin RTGame The Shane Dawson squad

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? sometimes

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP?I guess this hell site

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE?My mom and I are kinda close, i don't really talk to my dad much (even though I live with him half the week)

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? Aussie, British, Scottish, Irish… all of them

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? Everywhere that’s not my state and the ones touching it

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 23

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? notta

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? Yes, but not crazy religious. I just believe in fate and that there is some type of higher power

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? Nasa bitch

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? I have an issue with adrenaline. As in, although i am an anxious person with too much adrenaline anyways I like to do things that give me a rush of adrenaline

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? I can't have my eyes pierced because I'm allergic to metal in the sense of having it in my body

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? Yep

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? Nope

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? Next question

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? I mean netiehr, but i'm not a huge fan of sand

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? You’ve made it through your worst day before, you can do it again

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? I think so

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? Sytherlin, not surprise

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? I’m talking to myself right now

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? Introvert

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? Nah, my writing is kind alike my diary

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? I give people too many chances

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Check the ID, maybe take the money and leave it in a bush or something. I don’t know

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? For sure

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? Please don’t  tickle me

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Nope

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? Read question 94

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? Alec Lightwood or Magnus Bane, but young Alec because I can't be friends with 27 year old Alec

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? Scared of needles, remember?

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? Doing things for me

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? YES

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? Both

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? Not really but if my future partner wants some i’d be open to talk about it

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? My ex-best friend. I used to hate how she never had to try to get good grades or be good at things, she just was

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? All my memories are embarrassing if you look close enough

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? At least twice a month

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? Nutruels and black

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? Sure

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? I think I wa son the news once

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 17

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? I have a lot, “Words have the power to change us.” “perhaps it is because of time that we suffer.” “I remain a work in progress until I die.” “The thing you are most afraid to write, write that.” I could go on

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? Sweet

[kihyxnnie]

🌺85 questions🌺

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

thank you @lucasthiccthighs tagging me 💗💗💗

🌈 last 🌈

1. drink - black coffee bc im middle aged apparently

2. phone call - my brother

3. text message - i dont rly text hahahhahahah

4. song you listened to - A.C.E Cactus

5. time you cried - I can’t even remember

🐸 ever 🐸

6. dated someone twice? - Yeah

7. kissed someone and regretted it - i dont kiss people unless im sure i wont regret it

8. been cheated on - i think i have idk

9. lost someone special - sure hing

10. been depressed - ive had negative thoughts for a long period of time but ive never been diagnosed so I wouldn’t say so

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - ew no

🐱 fave colours 🐱

12. Light Blue

13. Yellow

14. Black

🌻 in the last year have you… 🌻

15. made new friends - id like to say so

16. fallen out of love - i dont really believe in love

17. laughed until you cried - this is the one thing im always doing

18. found out someone was talking about you - hahah yeah

19. met someone who changed you - does kpop count?

20. found out who your friends are - yep

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - not in the last year idk

🐤 general 🐤

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - 95% i reckon

23. do you have any pets - i have 3 dogs

24. do you want to change your name - i just want a middle name hahaha

25. what did you do for your last birthday- I spent the day being sad and going out for dinner and having my first legal drink

26. what time did you wake up today - 9:51 am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - dreaming abt mark lmao

28. what is something you can’t wait for - One of my internet friends sent me a letter that she wrote on a jb photocard and im pumped for that

30. what are you listening to right now - SF9 Fanfare

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - yeah i have

32. something that gets on your nerves - people who expect everyone to be fluent in english

33. most visited website - tumblr and youtube

34. hair color - dark ass brown

35. long or short hair - short

36. do you have a crush on someone - i dont believe in romantic feelings

37. what do you like about yourself - my singing voice

38. want any piercings? - atm i have all the ones I want, but id like a double helix on my right ear

39. blood type - I dunno

40. nicknames - nelly

41. relationship status - single

42. zodiac - taurus

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv shows - tbh i dont watch tv that much

45. tattoos - i have none but want like 2

46. right or left handed - right

47. ever had surgery - i had my tongue cut loose lmao hi

48. piercings - both nostrils, industrial on left ear, 3 lobes on each and navel

49. sport - i did gymnastics for ages

50. vacation -south korea, london and japan

51. trainers - im gonna assume this is shoes i like and im gonna say no and go with timberlands

🐹 more general 🐹

52. eating - i like most food with like a soupy thing? But im weak for ramen

53. drinking - i like most cold drinks

54. i’m about to watch - im procrastinating finishing dream high 2

55. waiting for - to get employed wow im sick of appying

56. want - a good nights sleep ahhahahahah

57. get married - i am afraid of it

58. career - musician or translator

👽 which is better 👽

59. hugs or kisses - hugs

60. lips or eyes - eyes but nice lips are a plus

61. shorter or taller - taller

62. older or younger - older or same age (i have strong maternal feelings towards younger people)

63. nice arms or stomach - I like nice arms but i dont mind that much

64. hookup or relationship -  relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant but adventurous

🍔 have you ever 🍔

66. kissed a stranger - id rather die

67. drank hard liquor - when i was an edgy 16 year old abt 2 years ago yea

68. lost glasses - yes wow

69. turned someone down - I reject 99% of men bc i cant be assed

70. sex on first date - i am afraid of that

71. broken someone’s heart - If i did it was probs mutual

72. had your heart broken - once i think

73. been arrested - no

74. cried when someone died - yeahs

75. fallen for a friend - i havent rly fallen for anyone

🐫 do you believe in 🐫

76. yourself - depends what for

77. miracles - yes

78. love at first sight - lol no

79. santa claus - i wish i did

80. kiss on a first date - only if im interested in them otherwise NOPE

81. angels - yes

🐑 other 🐑

82. best friend’s name - kai and reilly atm

83. eye color - dark brown

84. fave movie - jurassic world

85. fave actor - i like the rock and kang sora

I’m tagging: @ecstasyxkpop @monstaxnight @yikes-anotherkpopblog💗💗💗

🌺you don’t have to do it🌺 (I need more friendds lmao im sorry to the tagged people!!!)