#It didn't feel right to rant about how hilarious and adorable

[rh3maji]

Lil rant abt Caine

Caine is just a lil guy, despite it all. From a design standpoint I thought I was gonna absolutely fucking hate looking at him because those chattering teeth toys make my skin crawl- but the art direction really helps make him look more appealing and whimsical than a disembodied pair of talking dentures sounds on paper.

The thing with Caine is I didn't initially like him that much after the pilot. While his interactions with Bubble were quite funny, that one episode left me feeling like he'd just end up being kinda one note or at the very least one note in a way that'd get on my nerves. Then everything changed when Pomni Wake Up Time to Go On an Adventure! attacked

The comedic timing throughout that announcement video was so fucking funny and thanks to his line deliveries and animation/model [?] upgrades- CAINE LOOKED AND SOUNDED SO ADORABLE!!

Legit it wasn't until this came out that I realized I actually could be on board with Caine as a character and it's been uphill from there. Episode 2 was better than the pilot not only comedically and visually but also in terms of showcasing just how actually unsettling Caine can be as an antagonist. Not because he's vengeful or malicious, but because he's so oblivious to how people work. His mind's always buzzing with terrible ideas and he's so so eager about these adventures, but at the end of the day he really really doesn't get the circus crew. Try as he might to include them, keep them engaged [ZOOBLE WAIT!], or even give them what they want [Exit doors] he doesn't realize how traumatic and distressing their current situation can be. The very nature of being trapped in a digital world is bad enough but it's especially rough here bc not only does its god have limited capabilities, you also are very well acquainted with him, and he can't fully understand your pain nor can he truly save you from it. He won't mourn your abstraction. He will not attend your funeral. He will not understand the distress of your arrival, nor the weight of your departure.

This isn't just sad from the pov of the circus gang, it's also very sad for Caine- not because i think he'll ever feel sad about it himself necessarily, but instead because the situation is sad. New members appear over and over, you craft adventures and games and distractions like [i'm assuming] they'd asked you to, but over and over, one by one, they abstract. They stop laughing at your jokes. They don't like you. They want you to leave them alone. It's confusing and maybe even inconvenient.

Where I'm hoping the series takes Caine is that this dissonance between Caine's intentions and the distress of the circus gang gets worse and worse and worse until something's got to give. I'm hoping that maybe at some point a character will try to sit down and talk with him and for it to either sorta get through to him but completely backfire in some form because he misinterprets what the others want from him OR i'd also be down for him to listen, but not understand any of it and proceed as tho nothing happened. I don't want Caine to come around really, it'd be interesting to see how Goose would go about having him come around to being a better host that empathizes more with humans, but personally I do prefer him to keep on keepin' on being this oblivious and eager antagonist.

My favorite Caine lines/line deliveries so far:

"You, my friend, stumbled into an incredible world of wonders, where anything can happen!…e-except for swearing."

"And here we have THE GROUNDS! Drown yourself in the digital lake, or engage in ridery at the digital carnival!"

"What do you think of XDDCC? You're right, terrible, LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN!"

"Kaufmo abstracted? Why didn't anybody tell me?"

"Bubble you can't say that"

"-ZOOBLE WAIT!"

"Why are you all just standing there?! The- The Canyon- C-Candy Canyon Kingdom needs you now!" [according to his VA, this was an actual line flub but hoo boy am i glad they use it bc it's hilarious]

"I know you guys love your NPCs, but if I start losing track of who's a human and who's an NPC, who knows...what. could. happen..."

That last line there specifically surprised me the most because up until he said that I was under the impression Caine was linked to every single NPC. I even thought he could see through their eyes if he so chose thanks to his "hundreds of all seeing eyes" line in the pilot. Him saying this here implies lots of things. Has Caine forgotten before? Is someone in the circus secretly an NPC ooooooooh~

"Who knows what could happen..."

Honestly, when Caine first said this I did immediately theorize Jax as being an NPC but now that it's been *checks calendar* three months since I watched episode 2, I don't think this is the case anymore. Jax being an NPC would be...something. Jax not knowing he's an NPC would be interesting [i like it when ppl's realities get shattered], but honestly I think this line was a way to telegraph to the audience that no Caine isn't actually all knowing. He didn't know Gummigoo was coming through that portal until he saw him with his own two eyes. My theory is that Caine is only able to teleport, create, censor, transform, and destroy the world around him, but isn't able to see all of it at once unless he tries to. I think Caine's default state is one where he only knows what he sees directly in front of him/what he himself has left waiting for someone else. And rather than implying someone in the gang is an NPC, I think that line in episode 2 was mainly implying Caine can be tricked, that it's possible to hide something from him, to surprise him even. Though I'm not opposed to an NPC we haven't met trying to join under the guise of being human, it'd potentially create some fun tension assuming the audience was given enough reason to care about them.

Jax is actually my favorite character in tadc, but i couldn't fill an entire post with things to say abt him. Caine seems to be- at least as of right now- the easiest of all the characters to try and wrap my head around. I'll probably have a lot more to say about Jax as he exists in canon as the episodes come out [EPISODE 6 MY BELOVED]

but uhhhh yeah, that's all the things i had to say abt Caine. Pls go watch/listen to the fansong Digital Land bye!

[dolokhoded]

Dare I ask your thoughts on 2012 arena tour? I feel like it’s one of the most marmite productions, people either adore it or hate it with a passion there seems to be no inbetween

yay we're rating productions today i love this ok

when i first watched it i didn't like it at all. but then i let it sink in for about a week and decided i love it actually it's very good.

although the amount of white people in dreads was atrocious.

the staging was very cool, i liked it, everybody sounded and acted great and i'm definitely biased because i fucking love tim minchin but he really was so good. there were so many cool choices in it i haven't seen in other productions, hair aside COSTUMES WERE AMAZING, i think about keffiyeh judas every day and i liked how they kind of mixed up the two standard single female character modes which are either Generic Woman In Dress or girlboss biker goth gf which both get very cliche and very tiring, so i liked how they went about her in that one. i think mel c's one of my favorite marys actually, there was pretty decent work done with her despite how little depth she gets in the script through subtle background interactions with other apostles that i think about every day. there's this point after the last supper where jesus is yknow having his pre gethsemane breakdown on the stairs and mary lingers for a little considering comforting him and then peter just kind of nudges her like girl come on and she leaves. which is very important to me that she leaves and she's like yeah fuck that and gosh i REALLY love mary she should get the fuck away from all of these people right now <3 but yeah i love when she has these subtle interactions with the ensemble because in the script she only gets to interact with jesus, and a little bit with judas (and peter but like for one scene and it's still about jesus) and i think somebody needs to let her know this dynamic she's gotten herself into is insane and she should get up and leave WOOH SORRY mary rant. bensus was great, of course, autistic jesus i will never forget you. even the horrible autotune grew on me after some point, it's very 2012 and it's hilarious to me. along with certain very characteristic early 10s vocal choices the actors make it's just great. jcs arena tour is a period piece about the fucking bizzare year that was 2012.

so yeah i do like it but i also recognize how fucking ridiculous it is. the haters don't get the 2012 vision. one direction reference and everything.

[long-suffering-little-spoon]

I JUST REALIZED THAT YOU WATCHED THE OFMD FINALE

H-

How are you feeling 🥲🥲🥲

Pahaha not swimmingly, I'll just say. First I have been doing a bit of the ol' menstruating which means everything is immediately more extreme lol. I've been very conflicted and I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about *THE THING* especially, but this is where I stand right here right now at like 11PM lmao

Under the cut cos this ended up being exponentially longer than I thought it could ever be sorry

Overall I've loved season 2!! It has been so much fun to interact with the community and convert everyone to the Izzy hands cult engage with the fandom week by week. We've had some incredibly beautiful high moments and some lovely refreshing queer joy. I adore the new characters and the developments of our existing ones. I know my negative thoughts here are much more substantial than my positives but this doesn't mean I didn't like it!! I just don't feel the need to describe the positives because I feel like they're pretty obvious and universally recognised, agreed upon and beloved, y'know? (if you want a purely positive thoughts autistic happy flappy hands rant™, i can oblige dw)

Izzy's death is not the only reason I have mixed feelings on the finale. Obviously the episode cuts were a result of HBO'S meddling and isn't the fault of the crew, but the pacing still felt off and everything that happened just kinda washed over me like white noise (haha will wo-). The loose ends were tied up in wholesome ways and if we don't get a season 3 this would be a mostly decent way to end our characters' journeys, if a bit rushed. But then...

Izzy's death. A lot of people feel very very betrayed and hurt by Izzy being killed off, some people don't feel the comfort they used to from this show because of it and no longer want to engage. I don't wanna discount these people's views, more power to them; I cannot stop them from feeling what they feel and doing what they choose. I haven't given up hope on this show but Izzy's death just felt pretty unsatisfying to me?? Putting my bias towards him aside, I get the "killing off mentor at end of second act" trope but I just feel and wish way more could've been done with Izzy. I wanted to see more of him being happy and secure in himself and his found family and his queerness and his disability!! But now I don't get that and it very much stings. I think I could've come to terms more with his death if there had been more time to dwell on it all and get to see the individual characters mourn, but again episode cuts, thanks HBO!! /s. And I know they had the funeral but it still feels like we didn't really get a chance to mourn or treat Izzy's death with the weight it warranted. And I am far too tired especially right now to engage in "is this/is this not bury your gays/disabled character" but I will say I've seen pretty compelling arguments on both sides. As an able-bodied disabled person I don't feel it's fully my place to dictate, but I am upset Izzy was killed right after some big moments in his healing process and being a disabled person and in general just enjoying his life.

Personally I'm not giving up on the show as a whole because the finale left a sour taste in my mouth. I still very much like this show and I'm willing to stick around for a potential season 3 and on future rewatches I'll be able to see the stuff I loved separate from the stuff I didn't. But since looking back now, the latter is most recent, it kind of casts an unpleasant shadow on a very enjoyable season of television.

RIP Izzy Hands you deserved better sweetie, you would've loved Drag Race. And also shoutout to Con O'Neill for a fucking phenomenal performance last season, but especially this one. Izzy was absolutely iconic and a fan favourite for a very good reason, even if imo the writers did him dirty. He was hilarious and a petty little bitch man but then deeply broken and compelling and a genuinely beautiful character with a beautiful journey despite an unfortunate and unjust end?? He slayed.

Wow this was a lot!! Sorry if you were expecting silly goofiness lmfao I got very analysi-ish and a bit melancholic. Thank you so much for the ask JJ, it was a good opportunity to try and express all my thoughts and squish them into something cohesive for both you and me. (And thanks to my friend who I was discussing this with earlier; they helped me get a new perspective by sharing some of his thoughts. Dude, if you're reading this you know who you are, thanks a bunch!!!!)

[twentyfunnybunnies]

20 Questions For Fic Writers!

Tagged for this by the wonderful @royallykt. thank youuuu

How many works do you have on Ao3?

86

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

140,521 okay honestly surprised but not surprised, I know I write a lot but hundreds of thousands of words.... wow

3. What fandoms do you write for? 

Mostly I do star wars (clone wars), but recently I've gotten requests for The Rookie and I've dabbled in marvel and Ninjago. In a moment of weakness I also did one in harry potter and miraculous ladybug. Ooh, and I'm probably gonna start writing more with Keeper of the Lost Cities

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

1. Datapad 2. Can We Keep Her Forever (and Ever Again) 3. Chocolate 4. The Death of Kix 5. Unafraid

5. Do you respond to comments?

You better believe it. On Wattpad, there are a few I haven't replied to because I would literally just put XD on every comment ever, but more often than not I will reply On ao3 I don't think I've ever left a comment alone because they're a lot more scarce and I don't feel dumb spamming their inbox with XD

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Unafraid or Kriffing Expendable

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Ummm this one is harder... Most of my fluffy fics... if we're going for angst with a happy ending I'd say I Fell Down the Stairs

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet... I don't think I did get this one comment which was a very colorful rant about how much a potato hated tarkin? I didn't really understand it

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No to both.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have one crossover between star wars and star trek because I really wanted to put star wars characters in a star trek scene. Surprisingly, no one got mad. I also tried a star wars and marvel cross over, but when I told my friend about it and he sent back grimacing emojis, I threw it in the NOPE folder

11. Which fic are you proud of but wish had gotten a bigger response from your readers?

At the time I wrote it, Teamwork didn't get as much love as I thought it deserved. I loved the banter and I was expecting everyone to ask for a second part, but no one did. I wrote it anyway and I'm proud to say someone I know personally is now the biggest fan of it But I also have those little moments in a lot of fics where I write a line and I'm like "eeehehe, so good, gonna get so many comments!" and no one even notices

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I know I had one reader who translates them herself, but not that I know of other than that

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! I have brainstormed KOTLC fic ideas with a friend and we write hilarious poems about how much we hate a certain character for each other, but no official fic collabs.

14. What's your all-all time favorite ship?

Obitine. I just love them so much--- so sassy and adorable with their accents I just--- ah, there's no way to describe how much I love them. And the fact that Obi-Wan saves 'my dear' for only two people, one of which is Satine, and she also does the 'my dear' thing, ugh. they're just too perfect for each other.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

So, I started this super intricate Harry Potter Star Wars crossover, and spend days weaving together the perfect backstory for Ahsoka, obi-wan, and Anakin who were going to be put in the Harry Potter world. But then my friend called it increative and my sensitive soul was like "you know what, it's not worth it" and trashed it after going through the five stages of grief. I was also worried about it getting too messy and completely ruining cannon.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Crushing my readers' hearts and souls with a gut punching last line. If the time's right of course. I'll just be sitting there writing something that's not necessarily sad and then I'll be like "hold on, I could completely destroy everyone's happiness right now if I just write a few words." Do you know how powerful I feel at moments like that?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Crushing my readers' hearts and souls with a gut punching last line. With great power comes great responsibility. Usually I don't let the intrusive soul shattering last line thoughts win, but a time or two I have (even making a comment in the author's note once) and someone left a comment saying they now wanted to dive off a cliff.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I like doing this by just a word or two (if you're putting in full lines I have to scroll to the bottom to translate I find that a little annoying at times) and I've only ever used the fantasy star wars languages.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Well.... if we're being technical it was for a book called "The Dreamer, the Schemer, and the Robe" before I even knew what fanfiction was, and I just wrote a continuation of a scene I thought needed more to it. I never finished though. If we're not being technical, it's star wars. I wrote a few psychotic half-scenes of it before publishing. my first full one is on Wattpad and ao3 and i've seriously considered burning it

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Aw, Dang it, I Chipped a Nail. Don't ask me why, but this one is my literal all time favorite.

npt @cc-cobalt-1043 @anxiety-banana and anyone else who wants to join :)

[pitbullwithaship]

DOCTOR WHO LIVEBLOG S3 EP14 (2007 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL)

Yay more Christmas Shenanigans!! (I can't spell Shenanigans I'm trusting my autocorrect here)

OH YA THE GIANT BOAT HONK I FORGOT

THERES A BOAT

I love how he's says WOT it's hilarious

Pats his Tardis he's so cute

Those are sus angels

I knew they seemed suspicious that ones a robot

TITANIC SHIP LOL HOLY SHIT

They are indeed damned, Titanic is not a good name (I could go on a rant about this)

Anthropology tour

DONT GO AGAINST REGULATIONS

He seems mildly suspicious

That tv dude has very blue eyes

She's pretty

Primitive

They did not tell them why it was famous (the worst events always get the most famous (hindenburg, holocaust, titanic, etc.))

Aw poor girl

She's very pretty

Not sir lol

He's adorable

Uh oh he's got a tuxedo on

Lol I love him sets of the champagne in the rich snobs faces

Those people seem friendly

Old man captain seems mildly suspicious

INCORRECT INFORMATION BASED ON CULTURAL RELICS LOL

Ooh it's deserted that's not good

New Zealand is quite beautiful

WILF HELLO

They've learned, good for them

YOU JUST JINXED IT VERY BADLY

Those don't look like normal asteroids

I KNEW HE WAS SUSPICIOUS

She's a good singer that's a nice song

Oh no is young crewman going to die

Information: you are all going to die (lol)

WHO OFFERED HIM SO MUCH MONEY

Oh shit EXPLOSION

Ooh I bet the robots are evil

He's adorable (I genuinely just have to say that every so often)

Oh shit he's dead now

I like the name Astrid

Awwww he's so comforting (I think I'm firmly in the 'I want david tennant to be my dad' subtype of tennant fan)

THE HALO

He's so comforting and gentle I love him

Oh dear

Recites his name and address

I love him

ALLONS-Y

Ooh working class people, always helpful

What message? SHUT UP

Lol that's cute

Oh dear the door is opening

Oh dearie me

DUDE STOP BEING A SELFSIH FUCKING DICK AND HELP

Oh yay they got out

Lol she has game

Doctor.exe has stopped working

Aw poor Anthropology dude (I can never remember names)

Oh shit he's dead no he was so nice

Aww you're allowed to have emotions, but don't make the Doctor's guilt worse

I wish dickhead would die

Aww hugs

Oh shit they can fly

Baseball to the death

Aww he saved them all

Oh no he's dying no

Aww that's so sad nooo

He should have tried 1 first

Oh shit is she

Nooooo what nooooo that's horrible no she's dead nooo

He trusts dickwad with his screwdriver?

Okay what's gonna prevent her from going with him, is she gonna die too she better not she's really pretty

Well it's not fireworks bit it is sparks

Doctor.exe has once again stopped working

Okay he's off again

Oh fantasy trope of wasting questions

Take me to your leader (dude you already said it once but maybe that time didn't count)

Oh fuck is she gonna die

Oh shit that's creepy as hell he's a head

Ooh I mean he's evil but I do feel sorry for him with that prejudice

Retirement Home from Hell

No Astrid don't die!!

That's a shiny tooth

Ethereal music plays, true zen has been reached

Oh Astrid

Oh shit it's crashing please don't crash cmon

Dramatic slo-mo shot through fire

Okay what's he doing what's going on

SUPERMAN DUH DUH DUH!!

ALONSO HE HAS ALONSO

ALLONS-Y ALONSO lol

Calls Buckingham Palace lol

Aww the corgis

YAY SUCCESS

Thank yu doctor thank yu lol

That's so cute

What happened to the fact that dude got shot

Oh dear cmon work

She made her choice Doctor

We are made of stardust after all

Awwww that's so sweetcutesadpoeticamazingheartbreacking

Aww hug but he didn't hug back he likes hugs oh yes right he's a dickwad

Very wise old man

It's never real snow ugh

Bats his eyelashes lol

He's Rich!!

He can have a house!!! Aww I love him

*skips away*

Aww that was a cute episode

[itsrj25]

Hello! I've been missing this place terribly, and I can't even recall the last time I shared my thoughts here. Since I'm here now, I'd like to express my current feelings as I'm not the type to frequently share my rants with my friends or within my social circle.

I often wonder if I should blame myself, but sometimes I find myself asking, "What if there's a reason why God allowed me to pass the entrance exam at LNU? Could it be that something good is in store for me?" Initially, my first choice was to pursue a degree in BS Nutritionist. Unfortunately, I couldn't take the exam because there were no available slots for that course. At that moment, the only option that came to mind was to pass the entrance exam at LNU, securing a spot for the biology program I wanted to apply for.

Fortunately, I managed to pass both the exam and the interview, despite the challenging nature of the examination questions, which were focused on analysis. It was quite stressful. Interestingly, I've had no trouble processing the school requirements' documents, and I've had a strong feeling that biology is the right path for me.

When the class began, I was overwhelmed by how challenging biology seemed. Honestly, I had very little knowledge of the subject beyond the basics. Haha, I definitely underestimated this course, course, but I had no choice but to continue what I'd started. . During our proper discussions, I often felt lost and unable to answer questions, which left me feeling stressed. It seemed like my teacher's teaching strategy was ineffective and boring.

However, despite struggling to understand what he discusses, I genuinely appreciate his understanding approach in class. However, I believe the only thing he needs to change is the way he delivers his discussions because, to be honest, I often find them difficult to comprehend.

Second week of school, an exciting announcement popped up in our group chat: they were looking for volunteers to participate in a dance introduction. Without a moment's hesitation, I reached out to the president and asked if I could join, and to my delight, she said yes. My happiness was boundless because it had been a long time since I had last participated in something as thrilling as dancing. During our first practice day, I was surprised by how hard the dance steps were. I thought they'd be easy, but I was wrong. The person in charge of teaching us the dance also seemed a bit unsure about some of the moves. But as we kept practicing, we got the hang of it, even though it still felt confusing sometimes. On the last day of practice, something unusual happened. A boy from another department seemed to be keeping an eye on me. At first, I brushed it off, thinking he must be watching someone else. But when I went to get some water, he approached me and asked where he could refill his bottle. I stammered, "Dire ako maaram po," as I was still not very familiar with the university. My classmate stepped in and provided the information, but I chose to ignore the situation. Later, when we were at the canteen refilling our water bottles, I was surprised to find that he was still there. I continued to mind my own business, refilling my aquaflask with water. After I had finished, he approached me again, this time asking if I was going to refill my container again. With a friendly tone, I replied, "Of course," while trying to keep the situation lighthearted.

As we were wrapping up our final practice session, I was taken aback when he unexpectedly grabbed my bag. In a hilarious twist of events, he suddenly realized that the bag in his hands was, in fact, mine—quite the amusing situation! I mean, how could he forget the color of his own bag? Mine is a sleek gray, while he is a classic black. Naturally, he quickly apologized, explaining that he genuinely didn't notice and had mistaken it for his own. However, I couldn't help but find his expression adorable at that moment haha.

When I was already in the market buying my fave "Prinito na Manok "HAHAHA , someone tapped me on my shoulder. When I turned around, I was shocked to see that the person who had just grabbed my bag was the same person who had tapped my shoulder. I was at a loss for words at that moment, and I couldn't even imagine what my expression looked like because we weren't close. The last thing I remember saying was a hesitant "Hi."

What made it even more surprising was that he asked me what to wear for our dance introduction. My mind was racing with thoughts because I didn't know him well, so I responded to his question with a soft-spoken reply. Y*WA HAHHAHAHA

Afterward, he asked for my Facebook account and my phone number. Certainly, I couldn't provide him with my Facebook account as it was deactivated at that time. So, naturally, he asked for my phone number instead. The funny twist in the story is that, instead of giving him my actual number, I ended up giving him the number for Home Credit, the company that had been incessantly bothering me with calls. Kukulba kasi ako HAHAHA!

Honestly, I found myself in an incredibly awkward situation because I had never been in such a situation before. When he casually mentioned, "See you on Monday," I found myself tongue-tied, struggling to express my emotions. Eventually, I simply replied with a cheerful "Likewise! Hahaha

After those uncomfortable moments, I got really busy with school stuff. It has proven to be quite challenging due to the added responsibility of working alongside my studies. However, I've been able to handle my time pretty well, though I do feel a bit tired sometimes.

As for the guy who tapped my left shoulder – we're friends, and he sometimes messages me on Messenger, asking if I'm at school, LOLS. However, I make an effort not to communicate with him every day because I've made a promise to myself not to become overly attached to someone. I've experienced the downside of being too attached, where you forget to prioritize self-care.

Tas myda gihap ako standard. E bash nala ak pero dapat sugad talaga becuase for me having high standards is like protecting yourself. It's like saying, 'This is how I want to be treated, and this is what I expect.' It's really about valuing yourself!

To end this, I find contentment in my own company, and it brings me a sense of inner peace while also acting as a shield to protect my well-being. However, if someone comes into my life unexpectedly I really want a love that's real and from the heart. Mwah!

[alexiethymia]

on that confession

first, to get everything out of the way. I AM SO GLAD TO BE PROVEN WRONG. young-woo really does want to be in a relationship with him, because whose example does she follow to get him to fall in love with her (not without a lot of help from Hairy aka ra-mi's boss aka I can't believe I still don't know his name)? she copies the same actions of jun-ho that made her fall in love with him in the first place, and I just find that so sweet.

second, on min-woo. he's still on thin ice, but I love the hint of having a mentor like atty. jung can help steer people to the right path and be better than they were (although it still would have to be min-woo's choice). atty. jung makes a great point about how he didn't penalize min-woo for his actions either, which really proves that he's not giving special treatment to young-woo, but merely following his mentoring philosophy. we had so little of su-yeon, but what little we had was glorious! eat your heart out min-woo! I actually do not mind the su-yeon x hairy agenda, but the implication that young-woo may intentionally have been trying to dash min-woo's chances before he even starts is hilarious to me because it makes absolute sense. from her perspective, no way would she give up her spring sunshine to a jerk like min-woo. so again I reiterate, he better shape up soon (meanwhile it's min-woo who finally gives jun-ho the push he needed. haha irony).

third, on jun-ho. THE THIRST REMAINS REAL. you think you're so slick. he could have totally gotten that eyelash on the first try, but he just kept making an excuse to see how near he could get again. it wasn't that clear on that first watch, but I think his hands were hovering on her waist again? The thirst remains real, for jun-ho, and for me. this better not be one of those dramas where there isn't even a kiss (seriously I blame Law School and Secret Forest)! and I really love these subtle progressions in their relationship, like how jun-ho starts getting closer, and how young-woo has started letting him.

fourth, on acts of service. his confusion was adorable. his jealousy was adorable. as expected it flew over young-woo's head, but I really love how it wasn't this toxic thing. it was more like he was playacting, but ultimately he couldn't help his smile seeing her so happy. the acts of service from young-woo's end were such a big deal to me, because they show her interest. her talking about different things during lunch aside from whales, and asking about whether he likes pickled radishes show to me a willingness to want to change, to meet him in the middle so to speak. so really, the hesitation mostly came from jun-ho's side (although by the look of the next episode, young-woo might face difficulties again. I'm sure they will, but they can always handle it together).

I love the slight subversion of gender roles. From su-yeon aggressively pursuing love, to young-woo pulling out jun-ho's chair and opening doors for him. and I love that the reason jun-ho gives for wanting to be on the outside is not some rubbish excuse like 'you're a girl', but practical ones, and that when he rants, it's not because he feels emasculated or anything, but that he's just adorably confused, because he seems to me like someone who relies on acts of service, like he really wants to be doing things for the people he loves. those little actions are concrete things that he can do for her. add in that of course anyone would feel embarrassed by having the object of their affection do things for them, and I was just cheering young-woo, because you go girl! give him a taste of his adorable and confusing medicine. at least jun-ho had the benefit of knowing young-woo liked him (which she reaffirms! gosh I love our straightforward girl), while young-woo was right to be perplexed at not hearing an answer but still continuing to be treated that way by jun-ho.

and now to the confession itself. I AM DECEASED. ep 7 gave us flirty jun-ho, while ep 9 gave use Jane Austen desperately confessing jun-ho and I am all for it (he had no right to don that absolutely relieved puppy face). in ep. 7, it was night time and they were wearing opposite colored shirts (blue and red), while in ep. 9 it's daylight and they're both wearing green which shows that they're finally on the same page. I love that he confessed where they met, and after she was remembering him too ('1-2-3'). and honestly, it's no wonder that he loves her as much as he does because she is amazingly brave - from the little things to attempting the revolving door without him and going out of her comfort zone to big things like her finally doing what the letter reminded her to do, 'to be more than a competent attorney who only wins in court'.

the lead-up to the confession was also perfect. as expected, he really was thinking deeply about it. his line of 'she's not someone he can start things with the mindset that it won't last ' had two implications. one, of course, was that he was still contemplating what su-yeon said, but the other might be that his feelings had already become that serious. min-woo jokes about marriage, but notice that jun-ho didn't exactly say no or scoff at it.

besides being a bit of a romantic, I think jun-ho is the wrong genre-savvy. he's been approaching this like a kdrama (ha!) and looking for romantic cues. he keeps waiting for a grand moment. as he said, he keeps feeling he has to have some great determination, maybe because he thinks that's what young-woo deserves. but he shouldn't underestimate those small and ordinary moments either, like young-woo doing those things for him just because she likes him.

he keeps getting thrown in over his head. because young-woo keeps on reaffirming that she likes him, and keeps on being nice to him and wanting to spend time with him because she likes him. the same that he'd be doing so far when it comes to her. but it's not as if she's demanding an answer. and knowing young-woo, even if by chance her feelings happened not to have been requited, I don't think she would treat jun-ho drastically different.

so ultimately, it's about jun-ho. what he wants. and just as with su-yeon, despite all of the concerns he's thinking about, he exclaims passionately that his feelings aren't temporary, that he wants this to last.

and in the quiet, he has his answer. no matter what happens in the future, he knows that in the now, he just wants to be with her. with no grand gestures, he just runs to her in home clothes, just wanting to bare out his soul to her immediately, and he looks so, so relieved when he finally does.

(and despite him being on thin ice, I love that it was min-woo who simplified things for him. to add, I know it was the production team who decided it, and it's supposed to be his hair was windswept after running all the way there, but it's also mildly funny for me thinking that despite his rush, he had enough time to fix his hair before he met to confess to his crush haha)

[lnkedmyheart]

Chapter 110 thoughts.

Do not read if you can't stand me going off about why I hate Guren or Mahiru as characters. Do not read if you don't like to see rants about badly written het romances and how it functions to completely ruin female characters.

I genuinely despise both these characters. They are so badly written oh my God. You assholes deserve each other. I've never disliked a character so much that they'd be right under Dolores Umbrage on the fictional characters that legit piss me off list. I don't care how misunderstood or ambiguous they are, they are nasty, nasty people.

Lmao wtf is that nickname???

Same Mika same!!!

Please Yuu, for the love of Mika and your team, develop a sense of self preservation. Please!!

My best girl!!! She exists!!!!

You smooth mofo!!! God as much as I hate how much your crush ruined your entire character and personality I LOVE when the playfulness comes out!!!

My other best girl!!!! I love you!!

Awwwwww my fucking heart!! Go on, admit that you absolutely love this adorable widdle baby...please.

So thoughts,

I still don't care about Guren and Mahiru, I don't really care for the whole troubled hot character who uses their trauma and "secret plans" to be absolutely vile assholes and are shown actively enjoying abusing kids till the plot requires a shocking twist. Like none of the adults that suddenly switched sides were ever made redeemable or particularly likeable. The only thing about Guren that was initially likeable was that he looked like a discount Roy Mustang mixed with a discount Levi and seemed to be mysterious. He has none of their charisma or mystery whatsoever and comes across as this convenient slate for the writer to dump all his contrived plot points and deus ex machina on. Mahiru is just irredeemable tbh, you get one moment of her being troubled and tortured and then it's back to her being a massive bitch. Where's the damn growth? Oh I beat the shit out of my innocent little sister because I care for her. Fuck off.

Krul is the best parental figure in this entire series and she's a vampire with next to no morals and violent tendencies. Like the fact that KRUL is the best parental figure says something!!

I've basically stopped waiting for Mitsuba to get anything so even crumbs feel like a joy. But if I'm being honest, from a writer's perspective, if I had nothing that I could do with her I would her killed her off or made her leave with some other crew. She's a wasted character and isn't even dignified with a memorable death. Instead she gets to rot in the background.

See, I'm not against the Shinoa and Yuu ship, I just absolutely hate how badly written it is and the fact that they ruined her character kills me (This is aside from the fact that as a gay person the queerbait is strong in this series and they literally just fucking recycled all of mikayuu into this ship). So yeah it was nice seeing her be her hilarious troll self again this chapter and actually reviving the thing I liked about their dynamic in the first few chapters. That being said, maybe someday her character and personality wouldn't just be "Yuu's neglected side-piece".

Seriously, I like ships where the characters are equals and undeniably affected by each other to the point that they became a major part of each other's life and character arcs. Like seriously, skk, sherliam, sormik, revy/rock, and even mikayuu are all these ships. The characters impact each other deeply and lead to their growth and development but the character retains their core ideas and personality, just with some development. In this pair however, you've got Yuu showing about as much interest in her as a limp fish and Shinoa acting like a lovesick weirdo who can't get a hint. It's awfully degrading to her character who was all about being independent and strong and didn't need anyone. Yea one may argue that she learns about trusting and relying on people (which imo she needs) but that's not the case here. Anything she achieves is because "I love Yuu". Not because she has people like her squad to rely on, not because she has a sweet deep friendship with Mitsuba, not because she has rekindled any broken bonds anywhere. Lol no, she's strong cause she is in love. What character assassination.

Anyway.

Mika...boy, you need to pick a form and stick to it. You've still got at least 2 more transformations left and I'm sick of you dying every ten chapters.

Yuu, baby, you need to work on your self preservation and all those really distressing coping methods. I also think you might be bipolar. Very very bipolar.

Anyway, filler chapter was filler, I still have no idea where things are going, I still think the series is a massive queerbait sundae, everyone needs therapy, Guren and Mahiru can suck on a cactus and Mitsuba and Krul are best girls.

[oopsxcor]

What JJK 1st Years Would Do If They Walked In On You Crying:

WC: 1,740

Pairing: Yuji Itadori/Megumi Fushiguro/Kugisaki Nobara x GN!Reader

Genre: Bittersweet, fluff

Yuji Itadori :

“(Nameeee)!!”

He would most definitely knock on your dorm room door impatiently and swing open the door because he’d be excited to finally spend the night with you after his long mission.

His grin would be huge, and like the big dummy he is, not realizing you’re sitting there with tears rolling down your cheeks and snot running out of your nose. (gross, get a tissue tf).

“I got snacks and sweets for tonight!! Are you rea..dy…” (ah, finally.. he realized)

Like the cutie he is, he would drop EVERYTHING and rush towards you to quickly hold you in his arms as he would frantically search your face, caressing your cheek.

“Hey, heyyy…! What’s wrong? What happened? Who do I have to Black Flash??” because he has to sneak in that one lil joke in there to make him earn a smile from you.

You tried your best to explain what made you upset without balling again and sniffling every time you spoke. (We’ve all been there before dw).

Yuji hated seeing you upset. Most of the time he would think it was because of him, or if he did something wrong. He was scared of losing someone else again and the thought of it made his hold on you tighter, making you feel safe in his arms.

Once you got all your words out, he would wipe your tears and nose, giving you a reassuring smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle.

He’d give you a big hug and hold your face again, giving you peppered kisses all over your face, but mainly over your sore, puffed eyes.

“It’s okay… I’m here now, I’ve got you. I’m sorry I didn't get here sooner, (name)... here, hold on!”

He brought the sack back over to you and emptied it, spilling everything he got on to the floor. But the thing he was mainly searching for was a DVD case.

“This! This is the movie you’re always geeking about, right? I saw it in the store and immediately thought of you so I got it! Let me go fix the popcorn mix and we’ll watch it right now- wait right there baby- stay there!” (mf I’ve been sitting here crying do you expect me to move?).

After he rushed off, you could feel a smile appear on your face.

It only took him about five minutes to come back with a giant bowl of popcorn with m&ms and other sweets mixed into it as he gave it to you so he could put your movie in.

Honestly you found it funny how determined he was to make you feel better when he didn't even know that him holding you made you feel better already but you kept quiet. You enjoyed the attention he was giving you.

He sat next to you, not even hesitating to get all cuddly with you and wrapping his arm around your waist. He felt like you deserved everything possible after what he saw coming into your dorm.

You turned your head to look up at him as you were about to thank him but he quickly shushed you with his finger right after you said his name.

“No, no. This whole night is all about you, you deserve it. Not even just tonight- this whole MONTH is about you!”

His face would brighten up and his heart would skip a beat when he finally saw/hear you break out a laugh. That really made him happy. He was doing something right for once he thought.

And by the end of the movie, you both would be fast asleep in each other's arms.

Megumi Fushiguro :

First of all, because he’s a respectful softy, he would quietly knock on your door then wait till you said he could come in. Normally, you’d invite him in while dancing and listening to your favorite playlists with a smile on your face. He already suspected something was off because of the sound of your voice.

He’d peer his head in first with his hand still on the door handle, seeing if you were okay.

When he saw you sitting on your bed with red cheeks and teary eyes, after you quickly tried to wipe it away, he stepped back out into the hallway and closed your door. You didn’t know whether to feel hurt or confused. (Both tbh).

He silently came back, closing the door behind him but this time he had a box of tissues in his hand. Somehow he knew you were nearly out.

He walked up to you and gave you the box as he sat on the end of your bed.

He wasn’t really good with this sort of thing but when it was with you, he felt like he had to do something otherwise he would never forgive himself if he didn't speak up. You had no idea how important you were to him. You were his.

He would exhale and turn himself to face you, looking like he was going to cry with you. He truly was worried about you.

“Do you… do you want to talk about it? You know you can talk to me, right..?”

He hesitated before finally wiping away a tear rolling down your cheek, then pushing a few strands of hair behind your ear.

He earned a weak chuckle from you. His face expression was truly hilarious at that moment but when you realized he wasn’t kidding, your smile faded.

You brushed it off saying it’s nothing to worry about but you already knew he wasn’t going to believe that.

Finally, you asked him if he could hold you for a while to help you calm down. Then you would vent/rant to him.

At first, he was surprised by what you said that he had to take a minute to gather himself. But he did as you asked. Anything to help comfort you was his top priority.

He shifted himself behind you, taking both of your legs over one of his, then holding you tightly with his hand resting on your shoulder and the other hugging your waist while he rested his head on the top of yours.

By the way you were sitting, you could hear his heartbeat, his breathing, the core of his voice when he spoke, everything. You found it treasurable and calming.

Megumi only spoke when you wanted him to. Sometimes he would start humming a song that the both of you loved, or start to slowly rock side to side.

When you asked him how he was so good at this, he let out a quiet chuckle.

“My sister used to do this for me all the time. Eventually when I stopped punching and kicking her to get off of me, I just accepted it. Turned out I really liked it when she would comfort me… speaking of, are you feeling better?”

He leaned back to examine your face, brushing away the strands that made it to your face again. He still had that worried look on his face when you looked back up at him.

You really didn't want this special moment to end so you asked him to stay like this just a little longer, and he did.

He was still curious as to what got you so upset but he respected your privacy and didn’t invade.

He knew you would tell him when the time was right. That's what you secretly loved about him.

Kugisaki Nobara :

She would definitely slam open the door with no hesitation, fueled by rage ready to rant to you because of Megumi, Yuji, and Gojo.

When she would realize that even you weren’t okay, it made her rage stronger. Not at you, but at the cause as to why you were crying.

She would stand in your doorway, stuck on to what to say because as she oh so much hates to admit it, she really does care about you. You’re probably the only one who she deeply cares for in the school, actually. Well, besides Maki.

She let out a huge sigh and crossed her arms, cheeks red.

“You wanna go shopping?”

At first you would sit there thinking about going, which made Kugisaki so impatient that she let out an “ArGhhHh!”

She would literally drag you out of bed, telling you to stop moping around, get up. And maybe a few insults here and there that were obviously not sincere.

But as she would drag you out of your bed, she’d stumble and trip over herself causing her to topple over you.

At first, both of you stared at each other in surprise then would burst out laughing at how stupid you both looked, but what you didnt know is that Kugisaki’s heart felt like it was gonna beat out of her chest at that moment.

She also wasn’t moving off of you.

Her cheeks would redden again and she would look at you with a sweet smile and before you knew it, she was resting on top of you, hugging you.

You would only see this side of Kugisaki rarely. It was only when you two were alone together when she would act like this. It didn't bother you though, you thought it was cute that she only showed this side of herself to you.

You knew that both of you were having a rough day, so you embraced her as well while also playing with her hair.

That moment would only last a few minutes, maybe five before she got up and brushed off her clothes, helping you up as well. Her smile was still visible.

“Come on… this month's check came in, let's go waste it all on clothes and cute shoes and show off how attractive we are to our bozo classmates. It’ll be fun~!!”

Her hands were still in yours as she was humming to herself and trying to rush out the door while you were still struggling to put your sneakers on. You found it adorable and funny how determined she was to spoil you. Trying to say no to her was as hard as saying no to a puppy, so you gave in and didn't bother with jokingly arguing with her.

The both of you went on a shopping date, though it was mainly Kugisaki buying clothes, you still enjoyed it. (:

[dariamarchin]

South Park Vaccination + Post Covid + Return of Covid Specials thoughts

- Yes, i watched all of them in one go. Yes, it's because of the adult designs.

Vaccination Special

- Finding out about American quarantine problems (and other problems) through South Park (and tumblr) is... not a good point of reference

- Everytime they said "shot" i could feel they are trying to reference something and my mind always went "Hamilton? Wait, no... Or yes?..." But it's definetly some musical reference, i feel it

- The way the boys were trying to keep their broship alive just for Kenny's sake, i- i can't that's just too adorable

- Styleman confirmed. Kenny is their kid. Oh no they are getting divorced-

- and "the shared custody" thing was also cute and hilarious. "We all want to hang out with Kenny and want Kenny to be happy, but we can't stand each other, so lets shedule"

- Cartman: *goes on a complete side rant in the middle of another plan* Kyle: *confused, why the hell they are doing this now* Stan: *completely goes along with it* Kyle: *tries to go along with it to get back to the main plan faster, but gives up*

- ...but i also can't help but think the boys (mostly Cartman) kinda infatilize Kenny? Like, i know it can be upsetting to see your friends's relationships fall apart, been there done that, but my boy doesn't have to be coddled about that

- Cartman is such a weird character, he will be saying the most heartfelt shit just to manipulate and fuck with ppl. So when he is like "we have to keep out friendship alive. for Kenny" i can't help but feel like it's not so much "for Kenny" as for Cartman himself...

- which, knowing that keeping the broship alive actually will fuck up his life...

- aaand, yeah, he didn't care about Kenny that much. I'm not even sure what this kid wants

- To be honest. Kyle and Stan could have said something about the ketchup (tbh i even thought they actually would do that but alas). Ofc Cartman and Kenny are the ones at fault for the whole thing, but Stan and Kyle did go along with that

- Kenny was as much at fault with the "period prank" as Cartman, but Kyle and Stan are mostly mad at Cartman. I guess it's because Cartman was the most insufferable about it

- Mrs Nelson quit her job. Good for her. ...Oh no.

- I like how all of the weird plotlines tangle and intervine nicely together :0 mostly in the first half tho

- Kommunity Kidz (tm) are pretty damn awesome :D

- it would be funnier if incide the pharmacy everything really looked like some VIP elite club but for old ppl and nurses😂

- so, after viewing the post covid specials, Cartman was actually right? All their broship needed was actually to go to theme parks, games and other fun events...

- are Qties, uh, y'now, a reference to the movie?.. the cuties movie?..

- Butters is just having fun running around with the flag 🥺

- wait, did.. did south park crew just called themselves childmurdering p*dophiles?... uhhh

Post Covid Specials

- Pandemic lasted 40 years??

- i wonder if this special going to predict some stuff

- To be honest, i love all the aged up designs, just, in contrast to all the anime boyz fanom it's just 🤌. And they all suit them

- I love Kenny's, Cartman's, Jimmy's designs the most tbh

- Butters is kinda ugly and i love it

- i like that nicer Cartman is still fat. No unfortunate correlations about fat=evil, skinny/fit=good. (Since SP did have something like that in a lot of the earlier episodes)

- gonna call future Cartman "nicer Cartman", bc he is objectively nicer than his 9yo self, but still kind of a dick

- the trend of "we are doing this only for Kenny" continues (and expands to literally everyone else)

- we the Jimmy's joke-subplot,, idk, i don't find the offensive-ish two liners all that hilarious, but the subversion-of-expectations-pc-jokes got old pretty fast ngl

- *looks at dead Kenny* divorce leads children to the worst places

- whats up with the geisha looking lady on every billboard??

- ever nicer Cartman still can't stand Kyle. Dude, you, like, bullied him. For being jewish. He has all the rights to not like you or trust you

- so, Stan burned integrity farms when he was nine, probably got into juvie for this and haven't seen the guys since then basically? I theorize

- It was kinda implied that Cartman didn't go along that much with the 2-2-3 week schedule? Be he still ended up being the one Kenny kept in touch the most?

- i like the idea of Kenny being this genius eccentric scientist

- and Butters being the unstopabble nft-selling force wrapped in the the package of an evil businessman

- anyway Kenny and Butters are a BroTP, i need to know more about their partnership

- Kenny did held this grudge for all 40 years huh

- i mean, their friendship falling apart didn't actually start covid

- kenny are you high or what

- so, Kenny is the scientist in both futures, so this wasn't influenced by the broship break up; Stan wouldn't burn down the Tegrity Farms if he still had his friends and he wouldn't spiral into "i hate everything, everything sucks", this i can understand; Kyle has kids, not really sure how this is influenced by his frienship with the guys working out, but lets say since as a kid he learned to be more patient with his friends, his adult romantic relationships got a better chance of working out?

- and Cartman. I'm not really sure how being away from the other 3 made him become better, but keeping his friendship with them actually made him worse? Plus, when he met Kyle and Stan again his toxic traits started to resurface.... Does this mean the broship is actually bad for Cartman? And not for, yn, the other three? Bc i have seen some takes that i don't really agree with. Also, it's implied that he became an okay person before meeting his wife, since she seems really surprised by Cartman's toxic behaviour. And he probably started becoming better after moving out of South Park (side note: he didn't crush in his house, but his mom is in SP's old ppl house, so i don't thing they moved when he was a kid/teen or something), since Kyle is really surprised by his change. And in the new future they did grew apart from Cartman after all and he is still a piece of shit... Man, i dunno.

- i like the idea of Cartman becoming nicer, but i don't think his friendship with the guys was the circumstanse that kept him from being nice or something

- really want to hear ppl's thoughts on how Cartman became nicer

- anyway, RIP nicer Cartman and his family

- i am really interested how things were going for this 40-ish years? How did Cartman became a normal person? How did Kyle's relationship with Kenny? Kenny's and Butters's science-bussiness shenanigans?

- ....might write some drabbles about that or something

- (might retcon some stuff for this tho)

- but, to be honest, as much as i enjoyed post covid specials, they were so all over the place

- but i get that the overall message is just "if you going to treat quarantine like it's the end of the world, it will be the end of the world" and i like that, it's an okay message minus the weed

[toujoursmiraculous]

Thoughts and Reaction to Gang of Secrets!

I'm very late today at writing this because life ;-; You know it's a bigger episode when they start off with a problem. Ladybug doesn't want to detransform so she's desperate to find reasons to remain Ladybug. I love how the entire time, Chat Noir knows something's wrong and wants to get her to talk about what it is, but she just tries to pretend she's fine. If anything, Chat Noir would probably be the best person to talk to considering everything he's dealt with too both with Kagami and his responsibility as Chat! She could mention that she was seeing someone but they broke up because of her secret, and she could tell him how much being the Guardian's having an affect on her. All perfectly well and good without exposing any identities or things like that with questions for details asked. Instead she puts up a front with him and pretends she's okay in front of him and it's just so sad. :/ I understand why she doesn't, probably because she doesn't want him to know how much she's struggling. But ugh my heart hurts for her. Chat: I know where we can go where we won't have to talk! Ladybug: Yes, take me there Chat! *in the theater* Ladybug: You lead me into a trap. I MEAN HE'S NOT WRONG THOUGH! Not many places you can go where it's okay or encouraged to not talk without there being an awkward silence. But that cracked me UP. Also that casual attempt to wrap his arm around her lolol still hasn't give up, I see. I also find it simultaneously hilarious and extremely depressing that Ladybug's ranting like that in the theater because of a romance movie. When your heart is broken, that's probably the last thing you want to be doing. And Chat Noir yanking her down asking that she be quiet 😂 Literally just rants her entire love life out for everyone including Chat to hear in that theater. CHAT NOIR, YOU BETTER BE LISTENING BECAUSE SHE'S TALKING ABOUT ADRIEN HERE "She takes a long time to tell him and stutters and blah blah blah" lol sound familiar, sunshine? If anything please have him recall this later and be like, wait, didn't Ladybug say girls stutter around a guy when she likes him? BAM. Then he's off on his path towards Marinette. I can dream. Ladybug: And how do you know if he loves her? IMPOSSIBLE. Adrien: No, Marinette couldn't possibly be in love with me. *eyetwitch* But at the end of the day. This is Marinette ranting to Adrien about how she had to give up on Adrien and then couldn't make things work with Luka because of her secret. Ooof. And poor Chat having to apologize for everyone because Ladybug's disturbing them XDD THE GIRL SAVES EVERYBODY'S LIVES PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY AND THEY'RE PISSED SHE'S RUINING A MOVIE THEY CAN JUST REWATCH? 😂 She's clearly having a hard time right now, c'mon people! Chat can tell she has a broken heart. This boy is so sweet. He wants her to at least admit that and talk about it so she can feel better but you know, Ladybug's stubborn. I WANT TO GO SWIMMING LET'S GO SWIMMING CHAT, WOO HOOOOOO! Ladybug acting like Chat to hide her pain just like how Chat acts like Chat to hide his pain. YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S FINE. :') It doesn't matter how much pain she's dealing with, those pictures mean too much to her to remove them. x3 Thanks Juleka for showing us how sad Luka is now, that's very helpful. Marinette's been going into the bathroom at school to cry, and then had planned stupid looking glasses to hide her tears so people wouldn't have to know she's cried because wearing a ridiculous pair of glasses that's embarrassing is better than being asked what's wrong. Because the pain I feel for her wasn't already enough. Ugh I adore Trixx. Trixx being the voice of reason when Tikki's not there, trying to help and letting her know that Tikki may need to rest too when she's so upset it doesn't cross her mind. And the tears in her eyes when she apologizes to Tikki for not thinking of her like she should. ;-; SO MUCH PAIN. OH DANG Alya was literally a second away from seeing a detransforming Marinette lol But she did say DETRANSFORMATION or well in the English dub it'll be "Spots

off" I love Rose, she's really sweet. and considerate But she also shouldn't be touching things in others rooms like that. I never liked it when my friends went around my room touching stuff. Also didn't help that a couple of them stole from me... but it's just not a cool thing to do. Would've probably ended up much better had she not had to desperately hide an exposed Miracle Box. But then we wouldn't have had what happens so it's all good c: Marinette saying she doesn't want to be friends with the girls anymore

It hit Alya deep. Everyone else is like *le gasp* but her eyes all shrunken like that, you can tell it really got to her hard.

This entire exchange right here. Alya's glance at her in the first picture is piercing, like I can feel that OOF feeling in my chest when I see it. The new music dramatizes it so well that a lot of people probably didn't pay attention to it the first time around. Can we just appreciate how these animators got all these emotions so right and did such a good job animating everything for us? And those that work on the music too? Everything's so spot on. Marinette's red-rimmed eyes is so well done. "No, it can't end like this!" Awww Alix getting super upset too x3 I honestly think Alix could be the next one.... you know what I mean BUT I'll wait until the end to talk about it. Trixx pulling a Plagg and rescuing Marinette! x3 I seriously love Trixx, I really do. I know the other Kwami's got mad, but if he hadn't done that it would've been disaster, probably. And the episode wouldn't have ended how it did! And Plagg knowing it was Trixx who caused the Eiffel Tower to be all weird xD Why do I get the feeling the relationship between Trixx and Plagg would be like that of Chat Noir and Rena Rouge? And I want to point out, we got 7 whole seconds of Adrien again! Aren't we lucky? The last time we got so little of Adrien in an episode was when we had his parallel episode Lies. I don't think that'll happen this time but I do hope it means more Adrien later on. Ladybug: They're after Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Chat Noir: Okay but remember everybody likes her (so don't go thinking she's a bad person for causing their akumatizations) Yes, I read between the lines. Ladybug being able to get through to Lady Wifi and have her deakumatize herself was absolutely amazing! I know Chloe was the first to fight off being akumatized but once you're akumatized it's obviously extremely hard to break. That says a lot about Alya. "Because you're an incredible friend, Ladybug." One, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Two, did you notice the little jerk of her head, gesturing to Ladybug like that when she said it?? It's the little details guys that make this so good. 😍 "Chat Noir, nooooo!" Guys, we got our tiny little Marichat scene! It's not actually real, but still! (okay but why do I also get this really weird feeling like something like this may end up being real later?) Alya giving Ladybug that hug 😭 Marinette has such good, supportive friends. I love them all. x.x YES THANK YOU. Alya's finally realizing there are more things going on with her than just boys. One of the things that's always irked me since Chameleon is that any issue Marinette has, be it with Lila or otherwise, she always assumes it has to do with Adrien. Of course, at the time she didn't know she was Ladybug but she should've still listened and realized there's something else up. But now she finally is noticing and I love how she was going to respect her regardless and not push. Pushing has always been one of Alya's characteristics, but she knew whatever it was was something too big and serious to push her on. "Marinette, I'm your best friend, and I always will be." 😭😭😭 This episode brought me so close to tears so many times. Marinette admitting she's keeping secrets, lying to everyone. Admitting that that's why she draws a line between her and Adrien, and why her and Luka didn't work out. Alya saying however heavy it is, they'll carry it together (MY HEART) And then Marinette saying "If I tell you, things between us will never be the same. It's going to destroy everything, change it all." It sounds like this girl is thinking about Chat Blanc and oop there's the sound of my heart breaking again. So much paaaain. "Je suis Ladybug." YESSSSSSS Why they had to leave it off on a cliffhanger But YESSSSSSS First, the expressions she had flash on her face, the gasp 😮, then the expression like she's trying to get her mind to process. Then if you notice, Marinette gives a little nod, as if letting her know that it's true. Then the way her eyebrows furrow and pulls her into the hug as she understands all that she has on her shoulders as that music plays. I'm getting

emotional just writing this. 😭 This episode is just so amazingly good in so many ways, I don't think I can actually cover it all. I'm very impressed. I've loved nearly every episode this show has put out, even those that a lot of people seem to hate. But this one, I don't see how this could actually be hated if you're trying to think of everything that happened from Marinette's point of view, her thoughts, feelings, struggles, depression. I will say, personally I hoped Chat Noir would learn who Ladybug is first. He's been such a good partner, very thoughtful, always putting his life on the line. He's also been dealing with a lot of the same struggles. I felt like he deserved to know first. However, this isn't about who deserves what, it's about what Marinette needs. It's not that she doesn't want to tell him who she is! Don't misunderstand. There are many times throughout the past 3 seasons where she wants to or regrets not being able to. But now, Chat Blanc's in her mind. She knows what could happen if she tells him with Hawk Moth still there, so she can't do it. So instead, she tries to pretend in front of him that she's fine even though talking to him about everything would help and fix so much. In her mind, that's not an option. I just hope that when he finds out she told someone else first, he doesn't think that she doesn't trust him enough to tell him. Next I thought maybe Alix. That way it'd be more understandable to Chat that she'd know, after all future Bunnyx clearly knows and said to Ladybug that she chose her because she's capable of keeping secrets (notice how Alya said that to Ladybug in the alley? I bet Alix will find out in the near future. Maybe not this season, but she'll find out.) But that's for another time. But now Alya knows! Her best friend, the one to have her back and will no doubt have it even more so now! Watch out, Lila. Alya doesn't hold back so I can imagine how vicious she could be to her (and I can't wait). And that brings up a very interesting thought. Alya will realize Adrien has been the only one to have her back in Lila situations. Why would he do that, hmm? When everyone else was so sure Lila's an angel and Marinette must be bad for saying anything negative about her. Journalist Alya, incoming! There's also the matters of Alya bringing up Marinette's feelings for Chat Noir because duh, everybody can see how much she loves him! There are even photos of them kissing, one of which happened in front of Alya's own eyes! Though affected by an akuma, they all know that kiss didn't happen because of it. And of course, Alya has brought up twice in the show so far that Adrien and Chat Noir could be the same person. And last time Alya said that neither of them could be Ladybug and Chat Noir. Except, she's now found out that Marinette is Ladybug. So maybe Adrien could after all be Chat Noir. I look forward to seeing how their new dynamic is. I wonder how this affects their relationship with the other girls. And I'm most curious about how Nino and Adrien may react to this change. I thought during Truth and Lies both that their best friends were going to find out about their breakups. Gang of Secrets was Alya finding out. Even though I feel like another parallel episode is just wishful thinking, I can't help but think it may be a possibility. Nino and the boys are going to wonder what's up with Adrien too. They're going to wonder why he's not with Kagami anymore so suddenly. So what if i the end, Chat Noir ends up telling Nino? I could see it, if this takes place shortly after Gang of Secrets, where she tells Chat that she's confided her identity in a very close friend and somehow they agree that he can tell someone too that he trusts to make it fair. It'd be an amazing way to exercise Ladybug's trust in Chat Noir too. Then we'd have both Alya and Nino in on it, keeping their best friend's secrets for them without knowing about the other one. Oh that'd be so beautiful! And also let them keep their Miraculouses too after the charms are given to them and Alya has the ability to break

free after being akumatized. I adore Rena and Carapace so much I'd be ecstatic if they kept them. 😭 Anyway, so much potential can come out of this episode and I honestly cannot wait until episode 4!!

[kookie-doughs]

Beta Tester

Kozume Kenma X Reader

-YN LN is a popular mangaka

Chapter 16: Stage

Seeing you running towards him made Kenma frown.

"Kenma!" You waved. "Thank you for not leaving yet!"

Ignoring you he continued to walk towards the direction of the stage.

You pouted and crossed your arms. "You know... As sorry as I am for that kiss I really don't regret it."

Jogging up in front of him with a shit eating grin, you positioned yourself in front of him where he'd have no choice but to look at you while you looked at him. His ears were slightly red without a doubt but who were you kidding yours were too.

Kenma cleared his throat, "Good for you then. Now get out of the way so I could get out of here. "

"And honestly I liked that kiss." You continued determined to see him flustered again. "Your lips were soft and I bet my ass you're a great kisser. I rate you 10/10 would do it again."

With a glare he looked at you straight in the eyes, "So do it pussy." Then went ahead before you could see the red settling on his face.

"I- Wh- Excuse me- Wh- Huh? K-Ken- Kenma!!" You squeaked as you chased after him.

"I said what I said."

You finally caught up to him when he was about to climb the stairs towards the stage. Luckily(?) you also have to go up with him.

"Ehh... Where's the flustered Kenma? I wanted to see you all blushy and panicked. You looked so adorable. I don't want hot daddy Dom Kenma. I want cute baby sub Kenma..."

As he was halfway up the stairs your height gap grew and he was way over you. He just looked down on you, leaning closer the gap barely existent he smirked.

"Too bad." Then turned away.

There were a handful of people who saw the scene. Which made you more embarrassed. Holy shit you acted all alpha online only to be dominated by a hermit named Kozume Kenma.

Boy were you happy. You'd happily submit to him.

"Let us all welcome the two people who made the game possible! YN LN and Kozume Kenma!!"

You might be confused why you two were the ones going and why you were introduced like that.

As you are the creator of Puri-Puri you of course are the reason why this game existed.

But Kenma came here as he's the biggest investor, the face of the game and no one else wanted to go. So yeah...

As you two came up the stage you were just wishing the blush from the scene a few moments ago. The cameras flashed and claps were heard.

"Shit the media is here..." You mumbled.

"Your surprised, why?" Kenma gave you an amused and disappointed look. No idea how he managed to do that but he did.

"Shut the fuck up. I just got a feeling the questions won't be about the game thanks to the media."

"So you do think sometimes..."

"You want me to hit you?"

A clearing of throat behind you stopped your argument. It was Akaashi handing you both microphones to be clipped on you [I'm sorry I dont know what they're called] .

"Good luck, don't do and say anything stupid. And remember this is the release of PPM's demo." He reminded and got off the stage.

"Good evening to you all! I hope you've been having a great time!" I started.

"We'd like to thank you again for attending the release of PPM's demo."

"Now of course the game is yet to be played but from the trailer that was shown, I hope you had enjoyed it since the game is going to be much better than the trailer!"

"I'm sure you all must've questions as well. That's why Me and your idi-- dear author will answer."

"You definitely were about to call me idiot." You frowned at him.

He smirked and shrugged. "I have not a slightest idea what you mean."

"You're the worst."

Ignoring you... Again. He motioned at one of the reporters to probably ask their question.

"Ms. LN, as the initial plot of the Puri-Puri Magika is about [REDACTED], and the trailer we saw have quite a large difference from one another only having the universe in similarty. Is it just the universe of the similar one to the manga? "

"Of course the plot would be different. It disappoints me quite a bit that none of you realized how they're connected aside from the universe. Well, I don't really want to spoil you but if you actually read the Manga and saw the trailer," You gave a proud smirk. "Everyone that was a fan of PPM in the team were ecstatic. They were all just-" You mimicked a mind blown. "They were so excited about the game and a those."

"Thank you Ms. LN."

"Next please."

"Mr. Kozume," the next one called. "You were neither a fan of YN, nor PPM, why did you decide to not only beta test the game but sponsor and invest big sum of money on the game."

"We--"

"No wait ! I want to answer some of those questions!" You cut off cackling. "The one about him investing and him beta testing! It's actually an annoying and Hella funny story."

"No I was a--"

"Shut up you'll probably lie."

"Shut up." Kenma now had his ears red. "Don't you--"

"He was the biggest asshole back then!"

"Stop talking."

"He fucking beta tested despite not knowing shit about PPM because it was the biggest game. And he just banwagoned  on it like a bitch he was."

"I did not. I had some clues about you Manga."

"You did not know shit about PPM cut yo bullshit. You didn't even know who the MC was!"

"Shut up."

"That's why he beta tested! Now the reason why he invested is really hilarious!"

"I really hate this story..."

"This was the reason why Kenma became Bae too! We didn't know shit about how to contact Kenma, we only had his email address and his social media. Keep that in mind. "

"So since he didn't know shit about PPM he really couldn't care about the plot and just looked for bugs and shit. He wasn't even aware of the bugs in the plot since he didn't know which what was supposed to be part of the plot and not. This bitch ass decided there wasn't any bugs anymore so we went with that. But then we had to play it and saw a shit ton of bugs."

"I said there were some bugs don't make me seems so stupid."

"You didn't even inform us about the glitch at the time skip part! That could've ruined the entire thing! Anywayz, so we had to code the game again. So we emailed him that there were way too many bugs other than what he told us so the next testing would be later. But the asshole never replied. And since I was the one entasked to guide this bitch ass, I  had to flood his email! And he didn't respond! Not once! It had been DAYS! I send him at least 20 emails everyday! I have up on the 3-4th day and DMed him on Twitter."

"I really hate this part."

"No. No. This is the best part. Do y'all remember that one trending #KodzuGone started by Tenma? It's because, this asshole never responded to our emails so I DMed him all the shit important shit in the emails. Then this bitch fucking blocked me! I fucking rante to Tenma and he canceled Kenma like he deserved to! I was panicking about it since Mr. Suzumiya told me that Kenma could be a potential investor if he wanted. And I needed cash... "

"Do not call me that publicly. You are disgusting."

"He went full sugar daddy on me!" You cackled. "His entire squad had betrayed him! They were canceling him so he just fucking slid into my DMs apologizing about the shit he did and I told him, bitch I'm coming over there and see you play this fucking game or I will not stop this canceling and make it worse. So he was forced to telll me his address and I'm not sure if yall saw the live but it was hot shit. The next day he bought all the copies of PPM at this one store and gave them to me and then he invested shit ton of money on my on going works, bought me a new tablet, paid my Keiji bills, and many other shit. Yall would die to have him as sugar daddy I'm telling you. Ya don't even have to give him sugar for the treats. "

"That was the biggest mistake I made."

"Awwe, but thanks to that we're closer than ever. "

"Exactly my point."

"Thank you for answering Ms. LN."

"I hate you so much." Kenma sighed pinching the bridge of his nose.

"No you don't. Admit it you love me."

"I really don't. Next question please."

"A-Ah, my initial question was actually answered in the previous question. It about your live. Now my question is, Ms LN and Mr. Kozume, is your relationship really a platonic one or a romantic one? "

"Okay, babe," You chuckled. "my man won't even let me breathe the same air he does. Ya think we're dating?"

"Well your right."

"What?"

"Excuse me?"

"Huh?! " You exclaimed a little louder than you thought since the mic made a loud noise.

"The relationship we have is both platonic and romantic. As labels aren't placed we share a romantic relationship." Kenma smirked.

You looked at him and the crowd with a clear eminent blush. "I-I I- Wh-"

Pulling you closer to him and turning around so the crowd won't see you both. He lowered the mic to prevent them from hearing.

"I wanted to see you all blushy and panicked . You look adorable." He whispered to your ear before facing the crowd again who were now going crazy over what Kenma had just confirmed.

"Y-You're an asshole..."

"Yeah, an asshole who..." lowering his mic again he leaned to your ear. "Still has your favorite onsie at his place. You really shouldn't have left it at my place. I'm so tempted to burn it."

"You leave my onsie alone! I will drown your consoles."

"With that threat, you're suddenly stripped of your house visit privileges."

"W-Why would you say we're dating?!"

"I didn't. I just said we both share a romantic and platonic relationship with no labels. I technically didn't lie too."

"Why did you do this?"

"Aside from wanting to see you all flustered? I'm probably drunk." Kenma smiled and turned to the crowd again. "Next question please."

Previous | Masterlist | Next

I'm sorry lately there's been to many words and less pictures it's just that... Idk

Lol I'm sorry this was supposed to be smau but there's been too many words

Ooc Kenma is shit so I made him drunk

-kookie-doughs

Taglist?

@gayer-than-the-gayest-gay @synx-ed @normalisthenewnorm @0majuh0 @leachann @nikanikabitch @almondeupeach @immxnty @mer-majesty @yamayoomi @simpingoveranime-men @lostmarimoismyhubby @mariishat @just-snog-already

[x-birdsong-x]

I SCREECHED WHEN I SAW YOUR REBLOG TAGS - finally somebody who loves Scream Queens. I’m actually on season two, episode two or three !! I cannot stand what Gigi did, but I think Hester was worse. I thought they were hilarious though.

Edit: I'm really sorry I went OFF it's something I'm incapable of not doing when talking about SQS apparently. I'll say again I'm too attached to this show sksksksk

Edit edit: Sorry I didn't know if you'd want me to answer this privately I probably should've answered privately straight away. Typing too fast and have a Newfoundland making my feet numb asjksjk

Edit edit edit: I'm on Chainsaw right now maybe that's why I talked this much but you know what it probably would've happened anyways

SKSKSK I DON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT AND I'M NOT SORRY.

Seriously this is my SQS folder:

(Yes BTS things is literally just SQS behind the scenes stuff I've gone through the two blogs I found here that give me more stuff than you can find on goddamn google.)

I LOVE the SQS villains with all my heart they are my poor little meows meows. Every villain in SQS (Yes, even character-butchered *spoiler*) is a sympathetic villain and I love them all so much,,

Gigi's the backbone to the entire present-timeline plot of SQS and all but two villains are traced back to her. Murder mama holds the show on puppet strings.

Hester deserved so much better than the retcon and I could go on about that for hours. She HAS the depth, she's just not allowed to use/show it the way everyone else is, which is so unfair that it makes me mad. The retcon's not canon <3

Boone's conflict with Gigi HURTS Ghost Stories has made me cry. His relationship with Hester hurts just as bad because we KNOW she couldn't bring herself to even try killing himmm

I won't go off too much about these three, I've got a rant with a mutual somewhere from a few weeks ago when I had a go at the damn wiki comments that make me cringe from the inaccuracy.

I could talk about Pete for hours but I won't sksksk. Boone's ex. His view of Grace was unhealthy from the start. My Glass Animals Devil. His death scene is one of the best scenes in the show (even with the inaccuracy of Hester being in his closet, which considering she'd called him over the phone and we know he hadn't left his room after leaving Grace with Wes that last time, she shouldn't have been)

I don't have a specific list of favorite SQS characters sksks I love them all so much. I adore how much depth SQS has it's so good I love it.

oH I feel like any person talking to me about SQS should know this about me:

THESE IDIOTS SCALPED ME AND RUINED MY LIFE I L O V E MY IDIOTS SO MUCH.

Chanel's extreme bias toward Hester is amazing and Hester letting her go over and over (A really obvious moment of doing so in S2) and seeing her as a replica of Bethany and wanting her to see what she, Gigi, and Boone went through in Palmer rather than have Chanel dead PLEASE my idiots

[unsharpened-dagger]

Laito Appreciation Week: Day 1

-Five things you like about Laito (and why?) If you want to do anything creative about it, feel free to do so!

Oh my god, just F I V E? There's an infinite list for why I love this man I'm 😭

Alright, I guess I'll start off simple.

1- HIS HANDSOMENESS:

I know this is really obvious 😁 but can we take a moment to talk about how GORGEOUS this man is??? His eyes are so majestic and such a pretty shade of green, so pretty and i just cojrldkdkdmn could stare at them all day. His hair deadass looks so fluffy and so relaxing to comb your fingers in! I've seen his underwear picture 👀 and I KNOW THIS BOY GOT A GOOD PACK OF ABS!! Even though his underwear is cursed I still love it 😭😭 BUT I AM SO PISSED REJET DID HIM NASTY WITH HIS SCHOOL UNIFORM SHOES WTF 😭😭

2- HE IS HILARIOUS:

No but istg I love how in so many situations he's the comic relief with his remarks, and I love how he also has a habit of picking and teasing his brothers 😭🥺 Like some stuff he says is sometimes so shocking that it completely puts off all the brothers and I love it BAHSHSHSH 😭💖 And I also just find it so hilarious and so adorable that his hobbies are doing crossword puzzles, playing darts, etc etc, and how he apparently has a whole closet full of women's clothes like STOP UR HILARIOUS AND ADORABLE🗿

3- HIS BIG BRO NATURE:

Yes, the Sakamakis despise each other, yes, the triplets have a weird relationship with each other, but I love how Laito has his moments where he truly acts like an older brother to them, it's just so wholesome 🥺💓 Well, most advice he gives them is... 🗿. But still, I love how he sometimes pesters them but disguises it as some big bro advice just 😭😭💖💓💖💓💓❤️💓❤️💓❤️💓❤️

4- HIS PERSONALITY:

Ho boy, where do I even start with this one? I just love how balanced everything is. He can be hilarious and adorable, but at the same time be terrifying and low-key disturbing. I love his sadism, the tactics he uses on his victims, how he uses their fears to break them down. He is literally a master at this entire thing, and I also love how he can also do this without necessarily having voice drops and being all terrifying. But I also love the occasional funny and fluffy moments he has! Aside from this, I also love exploring his own psychology. How hurt he is from his traumas, how he copes with them, interesting information and the little things that he does that we miss, but how they actually, indirectly explain so much stuff. He is so complex, yet once you start figuring him out, you can't help but fall so in love with him.

5- HIS VOICE:

NAAH Y'ALL DIDN'T THINK THE ULTIMATE SIMP WOULDN'T MENTION THIS RIGHT??? But yes, I absolutely love his voice. How terrifying and chilling the voice drops are, and how song like his voice is at the same time. It just fits so well with his personality, I don't think anyone could EVER nail his voice as good as Daisuke Hirakawa. Rejet did a wonderful job picking him as Laito's voice actor. And not saying I'm a pervert but I've also listened to Laito's moans and as you would expect my life has changed drastically since then 😩🥵

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE ONLY F I V E THINGS CUZ IF I TRULY START I CAN RANT ABOUT THIS MAN FOREVER BUT IG ILL DROP IT HERE. 🙄🙄

Point is, he is so perfect with everything, with his appearance, actions, quirks, personality and psychology and he's deadass such a fun and interesting character, arguably the most complex DL character.

And now, to finish off, here are some emojis that reminds me of Laito.

💚💚😏😏🤯🤯🌝🌚🥵💋💅🏻🤴🏻💃🏻☘️🎩

[mc-critical]

hey, it's been a while, hope you're doing fine!

your unproblematic faves in mc/mc:k and why?

mine from mc would be mihrunissa (she's the queen of s4, and also my 2nd favourite character from the franchise overall), cihangir (the king of s4), mehmet ( a non-existent character imo, was loving to everyone from what i could tell & was pretty so why not), nergissah (ik she didn't have much of a character but she was extremely loving, even towards mihrunissa who wasn't her biological mother, adored her relationship with mahi and she was the only family mahi had left after musti, nissa & mehmet died apart from fidan & yusuf), atmaca, yavuz, taslicali (musti's loyal friends; and i adored taslicali w/ mihrimah, the only guy i shipped her with tbh), and i guess that's it, i may be missing someone considering there were several characters.

from mc:k it would be geverhan (the queen of s2, i love her so much and she's my second most favourite character from the franchise overall, such a kind & sensitive soul, she truly deserved a better ending, i just wanted to see her happy), zulfiqar (one of the most loyal people in the entire franchise, deserved a better ending, dying in the place he spent his blood, sweat & tears was definitely a tragic death but also ties into his character, had a sweet relationship w/ humasah who also deserved a better ending), mustafa (my boy! he's just so adorable in the series, the baby & the adult, the joke he played on halime had me in tears, davut's reaction to him sending the table for a walk; i'm sorry but he was the mvp of s1 and deserved so much better than mu/rat killing him ((fuck mu/rat)) but i guess it's kinda cool that he got to sail a ship before dying considering he always loved ships? idk but he's just fantastic and such a cutie + the english subtitles w him were hilarious), and i guess that's it, most characters were kinda problematic in the series, even humasah who i adored but i definitely don't appreciate for trying to put iskender on the throne which would cause the death of kosem & her children. i would've added ibrahim, who i think is such a cutie and i don't understand any hate towards him; i understand the things he did in s2 ending were problematic but he was just having a severe mental breakdown and what he needed was therapy, not that turhande dethroning him. honestly, fuck mu/rat & turhande.

(also mustafa from mc though i don't think he would be considered unproblematic? )

sorry for the rant lol just, unproblematic faves are so good to talk about because you aren't conflicted with them like you are with characters such as hurrem, mahidevran, nurbanu, kosem, nigar, selim, bayezid, etc.

i hope you're having a great day!

Hey, I'm happy to see you back! 😻

We share a lot of unproblematic faves! I love almost everyone you mentioned!

In MC I love Mihrunnisa, because, as you said she's an absolute queen and the best match for Mustafa for me. She suits his level of maturity and they had a very deep, pure, truly genuine bond you didn't see with anyone else from his women. What's most unique about her character is that they didn't put any opposition around her, her story wasn't overshadowed by a love triangle and that helped the relationship between her and Mustafa shine all the more and we saw her have more agency as a character. Cihangir is such a cinnamon roll and cutie pie and yet he's so smart and perceptive of his surroundings. Neither his love for Mustafa, nor his deformity define him and I love what they did with him in the span of a little more than a half-season. Taşlicali, Atmaca and Yavuz are the best trio ever and I loved watching them in action. How loyal they were to Musti and how they wanted to protect him. 😍😍 I loved Taşlicali's moments with Mihrimah and Mahidevran as well as Mustafa, I loved how Atmaca put Rüstem in his place (we stan!) and Yavuz was so cool and they killed him too soon. We should've seen more of Nergisşah, tbh, but her relationship with Mahi is everything and like all of Mahidevran's relationships with the people she loves, she brought the best in her. And she also seemed like a loving and caring human being to everyone else she interacted with, too, she's just... lovely. Screw SS for marrying her off like that, this piece of trash should be killed with fire.

I would also add Helena to my list of unproblematic favourites, because, writing-wise, she's one of the better handlings of a tomboyish girl in the franchise, a mash-up of both Armin's plot and Aybige's character done much better. Yes, just like all the girls with tomboyish personalities (Aybige, Diana etc.), that trait of theirs was either diminished or gone, but with Helena the blow wasn't as hard as with the rest and you could definetly say that this is more a side of hers allowed to show from her completely new environment and is probably the one most restrained by it. The girl clearly deserved better than what they put her through and I loved how much she cherished her own freedom, rights and family. Her relationship with Rita was great, too.

I really want to say and Mustafa and Gülfem, as well, to be honest, because while they're flawed and far from perfect, they're overally consistently positive characters in the eyes of the narrative and their questionable actions aren't as drastic for me to put them in the "problematic" category.  I mean, compared to everyone else.... Okay, they still technically don't count, but I love both of them too much to refrain from mentioning them at least hehe 😅 Gülfem should've gotten much much more in the way of storylines of her own, but the moments where she shone really scream potential. She's such a loyal, patient and understanding person and her strenght to listen to other people's sorrows, be considerate of them and seemingly being able to forgive people because from whom she suffered (Mahidevran apparently) or made the people she loved suffer in a way and involving her in this, too (Hürrem), is extraordinary for me. And she tried to kill SS, about time someone did it, I stan, she left the show like a queen! And my adoration of Mustafa is pretty much endless, so I won't delve too deep into it. His relationship with his mother, his resilience, his intuition, his still firm hand contrasted to his loyalty to his father that crushed him, but I can't help but respect... yup.

For MCK I have the exact same favourites, as well, only I would add Meleksima, because she was pretty harmless, deserved better and loved Osman and their kids. Gevherhan is my favourite dynastic sultana in the whole franchise (followed by Hatice) and I love her selflessness and humanity. She subverted all the sultana tropes, basically, I don't recall a scene where she was ever elitist to someone below her, she didn't intrigue or scheme and she didn't have an agenda of her own. Her suicide was her breaking the ties she had with her environment and her deciding to finally be the selfish person for once, to do what she wanted, to decide her own destiny. Deserved to be happy with Silahtar more than anything else ever. Zulfikar was so understanding and noble, I'm surprised that the palace didn't devour him, his death was so heartwrenching. Mustafa is a precious bean that also got sucked by his own environment and by the horrible Fatih law and game of survival, his psyche was soo destroyed you can't help but feel sorry for him, at the very least. The same goes with Ibrahim who is also a product of his own environment and even the conflicts of his brothers, I get why he would turn his back on everything and everyone and fixate on the only thing that could bring him a bit of peace and escapism - his harem. He and Mustafa were put in roles they had no capacity to play anymore and I'm sobbing. And yes, Ibo didn't deserve to be so screwed over by Turhande, screw her and Murat. (and also Atike, what she did with her sister because of her selfish, unrequited love and she was told about it by Sil himself! was disgusting, interesting character, but so were Murat and SS and even Turhan in her thematic utility.)

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 3/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia

2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the

back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed

issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not. Tags: rpdr fanfiction // s10 // as5 // miz cracker // jujubee // blair st clair // blair x cracker // denali foxx // rose // fluff // coming of age // hurt/comfort // lesbian au // highschool au // grinder // tw grief // tw homophobia [Cover image here] AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia [read more] 2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me

closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as

friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not.