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holycow99 · 3 years ago

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��田お寿司 12/9/21 stream translation Part 2

This is not the full translation of the stream. I only translated the parts I could understand & interpret or parts I found interesting/important. I’m still a beginner in Japanese, so the translations may not be accurate. If you want to repost, please repost at your own risk.

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*Someone asked about Choujin X.

I: I’ve given the manuscript for chp 8. It’ll be released in a few days. I don’t really have much to say about this. I wanna write this month’s goals for Osushi. The big plan is to fix(?) chp 8. Then, I wanna release another two chapters this month. Chp 8 has 20 something pages. I want to at least draw the chapters in a weekly pace. What I mean by that is I wanna draw 72 pages per month. If I could draw 72 pages a month, I drew 18 pages per week during Weekly Young Jump too. So, I wanna draw 18 pages per week, which is 72 pages per month. That’s the amount of pages for weekly publication. It’d be nice if I could draw at least this much by myself. If I drew 25 pages weekly for three weeks, It’d have a total of 75 pages. I can currently get it done. If I updated 3 chapters a month, I’d have a total of 70-something pages per month. Then, nobody will complain. It’s not like anyone is complaining. It’s so that I won’t complain to myself. This is directed towards me as a challenge. Of course, it’s okay if I couldn’t do it. It doesn’t matter if I can or can’t, I thought it’s better to have a goal.

C: And the fact that you’re streaming right now is amazing!

I: Right? I spent a lot of time at the end of August doing rectifications, plotting, etc. They’re all important things to do. Since I have a little bit of free time, I thought of streaming.

C: It’s okay to draw the chapters slowly. Do you concern about maintaining the quality?

I: The quality is as usual. I mean, that’s one of the reason. It’s also to match the quality of the work. The drawing style in Choujin X is different, so of course the drawing will be different too. There are things that have changed. I want to match the vibe of the work, and also, I wanna prioritise speed over the quality. By speed, I don’t mean I wanna write them in a hurry. I want them to have a quality that’s easy to balance. I’m still playing around with it.

C: Until what chapters do you plan to release the physical copy?

I: I can just release it. I do have a plan for it, like releasing 2 volumes altogether.

C: I’m okay with anything as long as you don’t collapse later on.

I: You’re exactly right. I’m doing it with ease. So that the serialisation will go well, I’m adjusting my pace. This is just my ideal, but I wanna serialise another manga. It doesn’t have to be serialised, I have another stuff I wanna release. I’m finding the time to make one. If I make it a rule to do other things after I’ve done 75 pages per month, I don’t have to draw more. I could use the time to do other stuffs.

C: Don’t push yourself.

I: I’m not.

C: Are you overworking?

I: Not at all. I have many hands.

C: Did you play JJ?

I: I played the game like hell.

C: Is it easier to not have assisstants?

I: That’s a good question. This is kinda weird, people say that your work will progress more if you have more assistants, but that’s not the case. I did TG without knowing that. People will ask you to check on their works. So, the more the people, the more the workload. There’s probably an appropriate number of people you should have. 4 people would probably be enough during TG. But there were more people, like the helpers, but they did regularly help. It was quite a lot. I won’t be able to do my own work when there’s a lot of staffs. I don’t have assistants for choujin X so that I can do it with ease, and umm… It’s the fastest way for me. Of course, I do think the quality of the work will increase if there are staffs. I’m trying to see if I can speed up my work to a certain extent without having to check on others’ works and consider about other people, while creating the quality contents I’m capable of.

C: Working alone or with assistants finish faster?

I: It depends on the stuffs you’re making. For choujin x, I think it’d be hard for me to draw them if I had assistants. It’ll be great if we can have divisions.

C: Are you gonna hire a care assistant? (t/n: The Japanese word is Meshistant, which means assistant who mainly takes care of the mangaka’s meal, chore, etc. So, I just put it as care assistant.)

I: Definitely no. I didn’t let my assistants do the chore. I even cleaned the toilet myself. I kinda hate it. I hate the label they give to such people. Meshistant. I don’t like people who call them that. I don’t mean you. I probably won’t be fond of mangakas who use that word. They’re your staffs, right?

C: Do you think of the story all by yourself?

I: Yeah. Sometimes I do get ideas from my surrounding. But, most of it came from mine.

(t/n: I’m not sure if the last sentence is correct. I couldn’t really understand what he meant, but it’s something like that.)

C: I’m having a hard time to sleep. Recommend ways for me to sleep well.

I: Probably read books. It can make your eyes feel tired. Then, maybe by not sleeping? But you might think it’s better to sleep. I understand. I wanna keep trying to fall asleep, but then I’ll watch movies while lying down. I have trouble sleeping lately. I used to sleep a lot.

C: Meshistant is also an honourable job.

I: Then, why not just hire people who specialised in that. Like housekeepers. They have that, right? Something like a home helper. That is better, isn’t it? Using assistants who’re enthusiastic to draw manga to do stuffs like that is awkward for me.

*Someone commented about hiring maid.

I: Maid? Then, I’d like that. Hahaha. Should I hire a maid? I’m recruiting maids.

C: Even at the age of 250,000, you still have trouble falling asleep.

I: Yeah.

C: Are they hired to make meals?

I: Yeah. There’s various types of assistant in the manga industry. This one refers to an assistant in charge of meals.

I: What did I wanna talk about? Oh yeah, about Animal Rap. I’m thinking whether or not I should upload animal rap video during stream, but where is the file? I’ve decided to upload it after this stream ends. What was it that I wanna talk about? Can you tell me about my current status, such as about the Sui exhibition in Osaka and Nagoya, or about Ms. Towada’s illustrations?

C: How about a live rap?

I: Good idea.

C: About the plan for 30,000 subscribers.

I: That’s right 2x. We’re talking about what to do to celebrate 30,000 subscribers.

C: I can be your maid for free.

I: I’ll definitely pay you. If it’s for free, then you won’t feel your sense of duty. I’ll give a huge salary and pressure you so that you’ll work responsibly.

C: Ms. Towada can both write novels and draw. Amazing!

I: I also can. Hahaha. I also…ah, but I can’t write novels. I won’t lose to her.

C: Do you have double eyelids.

I: Mine is hidden one.

C: Appear in First Take.

I: I won’t.

C: Are your eyelashes long?

I: Yes. My eyelashes are long, I have hidden double eyelids, I am of medium build…but I’m already worn-out.

(t/n: He used the word ‘boroboro’. I couldn’t really find the proper word to translate it in this context. Worn-out is the only one I could think of that suits the context.)

C: Are you handsome?

I: Well…I’m pretty good looking.

C: Have you been going to the gym?

I: No, I haven’t, since I was busy with work. I wanna go though.

C: I wanted to go to Mr. Kunimitsu’s concert.

I: Me too.

C: Which one is more handsome? You or Kaneki?

I: Wouldn’t that be Kaneki?

C: How about another stream with Ms. Towada?

I: I re-listened to the stream with Ms.Towada. For some reason, she was laughing a lot in the stream. Though she always like that. It’s slightly embarrassing. She’s acting like she’s at home. It felt like she’s disclosing my family situation, so it’s a bit..., but I can do that again from time to time. When I wanna do something related to JJ, then I’ll call her. That’s the most suitable content.

*Someone asked him to invite his younger sister.

I: It’s impossible to invite my younger sister.

*People wanted Goubaru to be the guest.

C: Goubaru, huh?

C: Do you have someone you wanna invite?

I: No, I don’t. The corona is one thing, but I’m completely okay with not meeting people. I do talk to people I’m close with. I think that’s already enough. It’s not like I have someone I’m involved with. I do usually talk to Mr. Kunimitsu.

*People want Hanae Natsuki again.

I: Hanae? That’s definitely impossible.

*He’s talking about Japanese youtubers.

C: Can you beat boxing?

I: I’m practising at the moment.

*Currently taking about Japanese artists.

* Someone asked who he thinks could be the next popular artist.

I: Lately, I only listen to instrumentals. The one that I like recently is the girl band called Chai. The group’s vocalists are twins. The group is great. It’s not like I like the band because there’s someone who caught my intention. I listened to their songs first before I decided whether I liked them or not. I thought this kind of voice also exists.

C: Congrats for TG’s 10th anniversary.

I: Thank you. Thank you to Brazil as well. (t/n: Someone commented Brazil.)

*He pinned his Chai comment.

C: People who just came don’t understand what’s going on.

I: It’s okay if you don’t. Hehe.

C: Sensei, can you eat choco mint?

I: I can.

C: I thought the bgm was from Animal Crossing.

I: This is Yorushika’s Escape.

*Still talking about Japanese artists.

C: Have you seen Midsummer?

I: Yes, I have.

(t/n: He said something about the new evangelion movies. But I couldn’t really translate that part properly. He basically watched the Rebuild Evangelion movies from the start since he never watched it before. He planned to go to Yamaguchi prefecture, the birthtown of Evangelion’s author to watch the last movie.)

Y****: I’m reading Toro Hedoro! I recommend it!

I: I do read that. Don’t underestimate me! I do read One Piece as well, but half-way through.

C: You can watch the Evangelion movie on Amazon Prime.

I: I wanna watch the final movie at the cinema. Has the final movie come out? It has? But I’m still gonna watch at the cinema.

C: Have you read Tokyo Ghoul?

I: Nope.

C: I recommend Tokyo Ghoul!

I: Is that so? I have a story regarding TG, but it’s probably gonna be quite deep.

C: One Piece has reached 100 volumes!

I: That guy and Odacchi have reached 100 volumes, right? Hahaha. That guy is Luffy, while Odacchi is Oda sensei. Hahaha. I can’t call him that. Odacchi is Oda sensei and Kishikage is Kishimoto sensei. I see, that guy has reached 100 volumes? Way to go! Hahaha! No one is watching this anyway. I’ll properly lick his boots if he’s in front of me, since he’s the real deal. I’ll be very obedient and sucking up to him.

(t/n: Ishida was using the word ‘aitsu’ to refer Eichiro Oda. As far as I know, it’s an impolite way of calling someone older or in higher status than you in Japan.)

C: He’s scarier than Hikakin (a Japanese youtuber.)

I: Right. We are in the same industry after all. But I think Young Jump and Jump are different subsidiaries. Although, Hara sensei seems to have met with Odacchi, so maybe there’ll be an opportunity for me to meet him. But probably no. Someone like me won’t be able to meet Eichiro Oda sensei. I won’t meet him. He seems like a unique person.

*Ishida talking about an illustrator and youtuber called Saito Naoki.

(t/n: I couldn’t translate the first half of this part because they’re talking about something that had happened, and I don’t know the context of it.)

I: The name ‘Saito Naoki’ is very nice. Is it a pen name? It totally sounds like a real name though.

C: Are you close with Kishida Mel? (t/n: Kishida Mel is an illustrator and a character designer.)

I: I’ve never met him, but Kiyoppi, Kiyohara Hiro sensei and Melcchi are good friends. He’s like a friend of my friend. You have things like that, right?

C: The name ‘Ishida Sui’ is cool!

I: I seriously wanna change my pen name. I wanna change to something like Gengoro. I wanna change to a manlier name. I didn’t give a thought about my name before. I used that name because I thought I was gonna be famous in the future, so I didn’t wanna use my real name. I seriously thought that I couldn’t become a mangaka if my real name was exposed. I was like “Since I’m gonna be famous, let’s avoid using my real name.” I was being vigilant about it, so I half-heartedly named my pen name.

I: The name Gengoro is nice. Tagami Gengoro. Tokyo Ghoul’s author, Tagami Gengoro. The Tokyo Ghoul’s author, Tagami Gengoro’s exhibition is now open. I’d definitely sounds like a bearded fatty. With round glasses to top it off. Isn’t Tagami Gengoro a character from a gay manga?

*Ishida searching for Tagami Gengoro.

I: Everyone, don’t search for it. I’m scared something dirty will appear. Is it not? Oh, it isn’t. what’s the name again? There is a character named something Gengoro, right? It’s Tagame Gengoroh! I got it now! Tagame Gengorohw as born in 1964 and a Japanese mangaka. He calimed himself to be a ‘Gay Erotic Artist’. This is the one! It’s Tagame Gengoroh sensei.

*Ishida was looking at Tagame Gengoroh sensei’s illustrations.

I: This one. Wow, this is indeed gay! Hahaha.

C: I can’t believe it came out of your mouth.

I: Surprisingly, I do talk about these kind of stuffs. (t/n: I mean, he’s the man who wrote a whole R-18 chapter.)

I: So, I can’t use the name Gengoro, since there’s someone with this name.

C: Is the name ‘Ishida Sui’ an anagram of your Surname?

I: Yes, it is.

C: Are you gay?

I: Hahaha! Even if that’s true, you didn’t have to ask that kind of question! Let’s just say that I’m okay with both.

C: Kuso Miso. (t/n: Kusomiso is a gay manga.)

I: Of course, I’d be reading them (probably referring to gay manga). I mean, manga like Kuso Miso Technique are popular, right?

C: Ishida GayGoro.

I: Hahaha. That’s just gay.

C: You’ve been to a gay bar before, right?

I: Not at all. When I was hanging out with the staffs, Goubaru said he wanted to go to a Okama bar while crying.

(t/n: According to the internet, Okama is a term referring to guys who adapted female characteristics.)

C: I think it’s completely normal to be gay nowadays.

I: We’re talking about gay now. It’s not normal in the first place. It’s just a sexual orientation. If you pick on every little thing, everything will become a problem. Those who deliberately say they’re not prejudiced against gays are actually are. Even if you tell that to people, they’ll probably filter what they wanna say. They’d be conscious of every single thing they say. Things like that don’t matter.

C: Sensei, let’s talk about something else.

I: Why? I’m okay with it.

C: I’m bi.

I: Does it matter? It’s okay.

C: It’s difficult to say something regarding gender issues, right?

I: Well…It’s difficult, since it’s concerning your mindset. It doesn’t only apply to gender issues; you can hurt someone by making careless remarks. It’s just that you sometimes accidentally let out your opinions. I also think I sometimes make unnecessary remarks, so I might do that.

C: I want to be embraced by Masataka Kubota. (t/n: Masataka Kubota is a Japanese actor who played as Kaneki in the live-action.)

I: That’s right. Must be nice. I want us to embrace each other.

Part 3

#ishida sui #tokyo ghoul #jack jeanne #choujin x #chojin x #ishida sushi channel

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eretzyisrael · 3 years ago

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Letter to U of T President Meric Gertler

Meric Gertler June 30, 2021

President

Kelly Hannah-Moffat

Vice President

Human Resources and Equity

University of Toronto

The purpose of this letter is to request appropriate responses to an act of bigotry from a member of the University of Toronto faculty. As explained below, speed of reaction matters. As also elaborated below, the situation is a matter of some gravity.

Before the particular act is addressed, a few general remarks are in order. Prejudicial slurs often occur in the form of a noun and an adjective. The noun refers to the group under attack. The adjective asserts a stereotype about the group.

These prejudicial slurs may occur generally. They may also occur in response to a particular incident which, abstracted from the prejudicial slur, may itself be objectionable. The problem here is not criticism of the incident but rather the attribution to all members of the target group the blame for an incident for which they are not responsible.

Bigotry can occur against a group in whole or in part. When it occurs in part, the bigoted would say that there are good members of the group and bad members. The good are those whose behaviour contradicts the stereotype. The bad are those who conform to the stereotype. For the bigoted, what they would characterize as the good are exceptions.

Bigotry often engages in victim inversion. The bigoted often claim that they are the victims and that their targets are the victimizers. The bigotry here takes the form of claimed defense against the target group.

The bigoted often uses double entendres, words that have both an innocent meaning and a coded meaning to their bigoted cohort. They use dog whistles, sounds with the intent that only their bigoted cohort will appreciate.

The particular remarks we wish to draw to your attention is a statement of University of Toronto Faculty Association president Terezia Zorić made from the floor after a panel discussion at York University Osgoode Hall, June 15, 2021. A link to the video of her remarks can be found at the link below at the 1:58:50 mark.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiJ8cRpyzW8&t=3163s

The transcript of her remarks, in their entirety, is this:

“Very, very quickly many thanks to the organizers of this wonderful event on the censure [by the Canadian Association of University of Teachers (CAUT) of the University of Toronto] of u of t [the University of Toronto] and all the activists who’ve made it possible for those of us doing institutional work to have some room to maneuver.

I wanted to offer that, as an early leader who defended the folks at the law school and the principles of academic freedom and collegial governance, there was nothing short of unending harassment and psychological warfare where those of us were supportive of the principles at stake at the heart of the censure. [We] experienced horrible backlash by an entitled powerful Zionist minority that felt that any criticisms of Cromwell [the author of a review report] or anyone else could be met with accusations of antisemitism. And it took an enormous amount of work to get us to a point where we could have even have a conversation about what went on why it went on and so on.

Many graduate students with whom I’ve worked ‑ I teach in the Department of Social Justice Education ‑ have complained that any time they want to talk about a boycott [and] divestment [against Israel in support of] Palestine or anything like that, they feel targeted in similar ways. If you don’t think faculty themselves, including those of us in senior positions, can be intimidated by the powerful response you don’t understand what’s at stake and we continue to be in that position.”

The sentence from the quote above which encapsulates the problematic nature of the remarks of Ms. Zorić is this:

“[We] experienced horrible backlash by an entitled powerful Zionist minority that felt that any criticisms of Cromwell or anyone else could be met with accusations of antisemitism.”

To be even more specific, a phrase and an attitude which imbues her remarks throughout, is this: “an entitled powerful Zionist minority”. This phrase is an antisemitic slur.

The form of her statement is

“We experienced horrible backlash by a group of [insert here a prejudicial slur against the group] who felt that any criticisms of their views could be answered with accusations of prejudice against the group.”

The very form of discourse is an exercise in bigotry. The form of discourse is ridiculous because, on the one hand, it rejects the accusation of prejudice and, on other hand, manifests it. The discourse is internally self-contradictory. It establishes the charge of bigotry against which it claims to defend. Ms. Zorić, on the one hand, uses an antisemitic stereotype “an entitled powerful Zionist minority” and, on the other hand, defends herself against the charge of antisemitism.

Robert Wistrich, in 2004, then Professor of European and Jewish history at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and director of the Vidal Sassoon International Center for the Study of Antisemitism, described antisemitism as including attributing “to Jews excessive power and influence”. He observed that “‘anti-Zionist’ attacks on Jewish … targets show that we are talking about a distinction without a difference.”[1]

Martin Luther King stated:

“When people criticize Zionists, they mean Jews. You’re talking antisemitism.”[2]

That is what is going on here. When Ms. Zorić criticizes “an entitled powerful Zionist minority”, she means “an entitled powerful Jewish minority”.

The antisemitic stereotype Ms. Zorić uses is the classic, the original, antisemitism, the very source of the term. Antisemitism, literally, means opposition to semitism and semitism according to Wilhelm Marr, who coined the term, was self‑interested Jewish power. Antisemitism was opposition to this fantasized power. Marr opposed “the Jewish spirit and Jewish consciousness [which] have overpowered the world”[3]. He founded an organization titled – “The League of Anti-Semites”.

Until the defeat of Nazi Germany, antisemites commonly identified as such. Before the end of World War II, there was a proliferation of self-identified antisemitic organizations – for instance the Anti-Semitic Union of the Diet of Lower Austria or the Universal Anti-Semitic Alliance of Romania. The Nazis themselves self-identified as antisemitic.

All of these self-identified antisemitic individuals and organizations espoused the very ideology Ms. Zorić telegraphs with the phrase “an entitled powerful Zionist minority”. As Holocaust scholar Yehuda Bauer observed, the term “antisemitism” has now gone out of fashion, even among antisemites. Even the most virulent antisemites today do not self-identify as antisemites. Ms. Zorić fits within this pattern, both asserting antisemitic ideology and denying that it is antisemitism.

Zionism may seem objectively to be an innocent or positive term, a national liberation movement for the Jewish people, a short hand for the existence of Israel as the expression of the right to self-determination of the Jewish people. Yet, it is used by antisemites as, at least among themselves, an acceptable form of antisemitism.

Ms. Zorić uses a dog whistle or double entendre with the term “Zionist”. To her, there are good Jews and bad. The bad are the Zionists.

Ms. Zorić uses victim inversion. She both attacks Jews (Zionists) and claims that she is the victim of the group she attacks.

Adding to the weight of concern is the fact that Ms. Zorić made her remarks publicly as head of the University of Toronto Faculty Association (UTFA). She was introduced as representing UTFA. In her remarks, she referred to herself as the “leader” of UTFA.

By making her remarks in a public forum as president of UTFA, she misrepresents UTFA as itself antisemitic. Her remarks do not just discredit herself. They discredit the University Faculty Association.

By doing and saying nothing about these remarks, UTFA and the University put themselves in a compromising position. Silence speaks. UTFA and the University need to react. Silence in the face of these remarks becomes complicity, tacit consent, an authorization to continue these sorts of remarks.

Any human rights violation, unless stopped, spreads. This is particularly true of bigoted discourse, which spreads easily and quickly if not contradicted. The reaction to bigoted discourse should be swift.

Both UTFA and the University need publicly to disassociate themselves from the remarks of Ms. Zorić. UTFA should call on Ms. Zorić to resign her position.

The problem that the remarks of Ms. Zorić present go beyond the University of Toronto. What makes them even more alarming is that they appear to be a driving force behind the CAUT censure of the University of Toronto.

Ms. Zorić refers to her views as “the principles at stake at the heart of the censure” by CAUT of the University of Toronto. CAUT needs to reconsider its censure in light of the fact that a driving force behind the movement for censure was antisemitism.

We make these recommendations:

1) Ms. Zorić should resign as president of the University of Toronto Faculty Association. She holds publicly expressed views which are incompatible with that position. The Faculty Association should request her resignation.

2) The University of Toronto should disassociate themselves from the remarks of Ms. Zorić. The University should state publicly that her views do not represent the views of the University.

3) CAUT should reconsider its censure of the University of Toronto in light of the publicly expressed views of Ms. Zorić. The impact that those views may have had on the decision to censure justifies the reconsideration.

Sincerely

David Matas

Senior Honorary Counsel

B’nai Brith Canada

602-225 Vaughan Street Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada R3C 1T7 Tel: 1 204 944 1831 Fax: 1 204 942 1494 E-mail: [email protected]

Cc: Terezia Zorić

University of Toronto Faculty Association

David Robinson

Canadian Association of University Teachers

[1] “Anti‑Zionism and Anti‑semitism” Jewish Political Studies Review 16:3‑4 (Fall 2004) page 27 on JSTOR

https://www.jstor.org/stable/25834602?read‑now=1&seq=2#page_scan_tab_contents 3/4

#university of toronto #u of t #b'nai brith canada #teresia zoric #bigotry #antisemitism

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kumoriyami-xiuzhen · 4 years ago

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Hakuoki Shinkai: Ginsei no Shou - Saito Hajime Chapter #7 English Translation

My translation of the 7th Ginsei no Shou chapter for Saito... It’s probably because that this is my favourite chapter from the game and one that I found especially enjoyable to read (and had more of an understanding of it before getting translations for this lol) that I somehow translated this in record time when compared to all the other things I’ve worked on....

Unlike Kazama’s final Tsukikage chapter, the dialogue for this wasn’t all separated line by line in the CN TLs I found for the Saito chapters [NAMELY BECAUSE I WROTE EACH DAMN FUCKING WORD OUT FOR THAT CHAPTER], so some of the text in this remains lumped together. Also, huzzah for google translate providing the translations of place names since I wouldn’t have been able to translate the Japanese words that had been left in the original tl for this otherwise. I don’t usually make adjustments based on the original JP text until I start editing for the video... which will be done later.

All images used in this post were screencaps of game footage I recorded through vlc... also is it just me who feels that my English comes across as a lot more archaic when I stick to the original tl sentence structure...? lol. Anyway, as always, my translation may not be 100% accurate since I do not translate from Japanese.

PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR ANOTHER GINSEI NO SHOU SAITO CHAPTER... one that I do not intend to translate right away... well I also include it in a note about what chapter it refers too. lol. it’s right below the cut.

Enjoy~! OR ELSE! MWHAHAHA!!

(jk, lol. plus, i’m too lazy to think of anything. oh and im currently working on the subtitle positioning for this now as the file got transferred recently since i finished the first round of timing [i need to do this multiple times to get the fade in/out of my subtitles to match the timing of game text’s fade/in... or to at least have them as close as possible] before having all of these tech problems.)

--------------------

Forward Notes

Based on what I remember from tokio-fujita’s notes (sorry but I didn’t check since im kinda busy rn, and the internet on my laptop is kinda unstable as I’m still transferring files... 17.3 gb remains from the dramas transfer) on Saito’s position in the Shinsengumi after leading them to Aizu, I’ve left his position as taichou in this translation due to how the only English translation for that is ‘captain’ which doesn’t show a difference in roles from when he was the Third Division captain ‘kaichou/kumicho’ [note to self: include this along with the link to the page in the post description later. also i will probably just change this to ‘captain’ anyway when i do my subtitle video].

Chapter 6 and 7 occur in Aizu

Hakuoki Shinkai: Ginsei no Shou - Saito Hajime Chapter #7

Translation by KumoriYami

7th month, 4th year of Keiou, after the Shinsengumi left for Sendai——

The Aizu, who had offended the Satcho were engulfed in the bitter flames of war.

When Shirakawa Castle was attacked, it would be a lie to say that I wasn't worried then.

Hijikata-san, Heisuke-kun, Shimada-san, and Souma-kun.

It was no longer possible to fight alongside the people who we deeply trusted since the beginning.

However……

I still have Saito-san.

Saito-san also me, although/even if/despite how I can't fight alongside him.

We relied upon one another, setting out for Shirakawa——

Shirakawa Castle, which had become the headquarters for my father's rasetsu—— we confronted him and Kazama Chikage there.

As Kazama-san had the overwhelming strength of an oni, if the fight was drawn out, Saito-san would have no chance of winning.

But, we still had....

Comrades we could rely on.

Even if [they] leave. Even if [they/they've] choose/chosen different paths.

As long as they maintained/followed their own bushido, everyone was still heading in the same direction.

I believe that as long as we moved forward, one day, our paths will surely cross again, and we will fight to the very end.

If only/I wish that everyone could see each other one more time, I could only pray that everyone would be safe……

Saito-san once again returned to the battlefield.

4th year of Keiou, 8th month

The Aizu Shinsengumi under the command of the Aizu, fought at the Bonari Pass——

After that, they fought bravely to stop the New Government army from entering Aizu Castle.

By the ninth month however, there were not many members left of the Aizu Shinsengumi, yet they still set out to defend/protect Nyoraido [refers to chapter 6] .

This is the story of what happened while I was waiting for Saito-san after he left.

Fourth year of Keiou, Ninth month

Saito-san and the other members of the troop left camp to protect Nyoraido.

Following his instructions/In accordance with his wishes, I accompanied the men who were seriously injured in battle to the rear of the formation.

Yukimura: Please wait a bit longer, I will treat you immediately.

Soldier:……At the most crucial moment, to be unable to help Saito-taichou, I'm terribly sorry.

Yukimura: ……There was no way you could, you are wounded after all.

Soldier: The taicho, is he really okay?

Perhaps it was because his wounds were too painful, that the soldier continued to weakly repeat himself.

Yukimura: Saito-san will be fine. He will surely come back alive.

In order to reassure the soldier, I spoke decisively/resolutely.

Yukimura: That's why, you need to focus on recovering right now.

Soldier:......Okay, I will.

Three days later.

The soldiers who had stayed in Nyoraido, none of them had come back yet.

The news from the front lines had also been cut off.

All that we knew was was the hopeless information brought back by the wounded.

There weren't enough bandages and medicines, and the wounded kept pouring in.

The soldier's and my worries became more intense.

It was at this time——

Aizu soldier: This is terrible/Bad news! Apparently Nyoraido has been completely surrounded by the enemy! The Shinsengumi in Nyoraido might have completely wiped out.

Yukimura:……!

The moment I heard such a dreadful announcement/news, it felt like the blood had been drained from my entire body. [news/information might be changed for ^^^ sentences. might use intelligence, communication]

A commotion spread throughout the entire formation [camp sounds more appropriate].

Soldier: Yukimura-san……

The wounded soldier looked at me with an anxious expression.

Previously, the instant I heard such news, I probably would have broken down into tears.

But, now——

Yukimura:……When such fierce fighting is going on, all sorts of rumours will be flying around we can't assume that everything is accurate before receiving an official confirmation.

Hearing what I said, the soldier seemed to calm down.

Soldier:……That's right. Before figuring things out, we'll still believe in/continue to trust the Taichou, and wait until he returns.

Even if Nyoraido has been surrounded by the enemy, the Shinsengumi may not necessarily be completely wiped out.

Shinsengumi——they, along with Saito-san, I don't know how many times they had escaped from death.

More importantly, Saito-san cannot die yet.

——flashback——

Saito: Yukimura, I wish to make you a promise.

Yukimura: A promise for me......? What is it?" Saito: No matter what happens in the future....... I will protect you with my life. This decision is not because of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata-san, or an order from the Aizu....... but of my own volition.

——end flashback——

At the time, he promised……

Even now, I can still clearly remember how we kissed after.

Saito-san, he made a promise to me.

He will come back to me.

I repeated those words in my heart over and over again, as if to convince myself......

But my heart was beating wildly, and cold sweat dripped from my forehead.

This wasn't able to eliminate my sense of unease.

Yukimura: …………

I truly wanted to rush over to Nyoraido, to immediately go to his side.

But, my duty right now, is to treat the wounded here.

So…… I could only trust/believe in him, and wait here.

After, I continued to focus on treating the wounded while waiting for Saito-san to return.

But, reports on the situation in Nyoraido, they never came again,

The sense of [them being] defeat[ed] became more intense, and the dreary mood gradually enveloped the entire formation [will probably use "camp"]. [The feeling that they had been defeated became more intense, and...]

Soldier 2: Yukimura-san, isn't it time for you to rest? You look very pale.

Yukimura: No, it isn't time to rest yet/it's not the time to rest.

Soldier 2:……Under these circumstances, if you collapse, once something happens, there won't be anyone to depend/rely on [for what you do]. Even if it's just a short nap…… please, for everyone's sake.

When faced with such a strong request, I couldn't refuse.

Yukimura: Okay. Then I'll go and nap/sleep for a bit.

I decided to go find a corner to go nap in .

Perhaps it was because I was so tired, but once I closed my eyes, I immediately fell asleep.

As I slept, I had a dream.

Yukimura Nn, nn......

I didn't know where I was in this dream, the surroundings were hazy as I looked around.

Where……is this?

Yukimura: Is this the Aizu's…… camp……?

……Right.

I was waiting for Saito-san to come back…… then……

My head felt numb and heavy as I looked around again……

Saito:……Yukimura.

Yukimura: Saito-san……!

The person I wanted to see suddenly appeared before me/Now that the one I wanted to see suddenly appeared, I immediately got up.

Yukimura: You're back from fighting at Nyoraido! Where are the rest of the soldiers……

Saito:……In regards to this, I have something that I must tell you.

Yukimura: Eh……?

Hearing him say such ominous remarks, I couldn't help but feel confused.

Saito: Even now, you have always been at my side…… My gratitude towards you goes beyond words. If I didn't have you, I wouldn't have been able to continue fighting until now.

Yukimura: Thanks for what [reword later]……

Why was he suddenly saying such a thing?

Yukimura:……To speak of thanks, it's too much, I don't need it [It's too much for you to speak of thanking me/it's unnecessary for you to thank me]. Because, you and I……

We are no longer outsiders [/We can no longer be considered as outsiders/strangers...not sure what i’ll go with here] ——I just wanted to say that.

I don't know why, but I couldn't say anything.

The Saito-san before my eyes/right now, there was a subtle sadness to his expression, as if he was extremely sorry.

He…… wasn't like the one [man] I knew at all.

In this unnatural atmosphere, he spoke solemnly.

Saito: I……there is something I must tell you…… No matter what happens, no matter what you experience/encounter/face…… but now I [reword later]……

Yukimura:……!?

I was too late to ask him——

Saito-san's figure was already starting to fade away, then completely disappeared into the darkness of night.

Yukimura: Saito-san, don't go! What are saying to me——

I shouted out then/and lost consciousness.

When I opened my eyes again, my entire body was drenched in sweat.

Yukimura: Just now, that was a dream……

The foreboding feeling/premonition made my heart beat wildly.

Why was it at this time, that I dreamed of Saito-san?

Furthermore, in my dream, it seemed like he had something to tell me.

I had a bad hunch/felt a sense of foreboding, but there was nothing I could do.

Looking around everywhere, Saito-san and the others still hadn't come back.

Although/Even if I dreaded to think so……

Just now, it was just a bad dream, it shouldn't be a sign that something bad would happen.

Saito-san and the other soldiers, what happened to them?

……No, it couldn't be.

He promised me, he would surely come back.

But, if that wasn't the case?

……If I continued to wait here, would he really come back?

I……

Choices

【Search for him】【Believe in him and wait】 <-

Although I wanted to immediately rush to Saito-san's side……

I still remembered what he said before.

——flashback——

Saito:......As time passes, things change. The world, ideals, and even the Shinsengumi. Even so, that does not mean that everything must change. As things change with time, so too will there be things that do not change. And I...... I believe in the things that do not change.

——end flashback——

……Saito-san had never gone against the promise he made me/never broke the promise he made me.

Regardless if it was when he left the Shinsengumi to join the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb, or when he was defeated at/during the Battle of Toba-Fushimi.

Also, there was when he ended up fighting Kazama-san.

In the end, he always came back to my side [me].

So, as he promised, he will certainly come back to me.

So, I too——

Yukimura:…………

An incredible feeling swelled in my chest.

It wasn't because of panic, rather it felt like the stars were whispering to me……

This feeling pushed me out of camp.

Outside of camp was a forest that always looked the same at night [reword later].

Although I didn't know if any of the soldiers would return, I thought……

I felt somewhat dejected, and couldn't help but look up towards the night sky.

It was full of stars, quietly twinkling.

Long before I was born, these stars, they must have been watching the world in silence/been silently watching the world.

No matter how many years passed, these silver stars would always shine in the night sky.

Yukimura: Me too……

Under the allure of the dim starlight, I couldn't help but say this/I was unable to restrain my emotions.

Yukimura: I also…… believe in the things that do not change.

Even if the path forward was covered in darkness, the light that pointed towards the future still shined.

Yukimura: I believe——no matter what happens in the future, you will not change.

Just as I muttered this to myself.

There was the sound of movement through foliage.

I froze, staring attentively in the direction of the sound.

After/Then……

???: Is.…… someone there?

The moment I heard that voice, I burst into tears [or: almost burst into tears].

Shortly after, a single silhouette flashed in the woods, and its figure gradually became clearer.

Saito: Chizuru…… is that you?

My beloved/The man/The one I loved was calling my name, I could no longer/was no longer able to control myself.

Yukimura: Saito-san…… Hajime-san!

I shouted his name, throwing myself at him.

Yukimura: You came back……! Hajime-san……!

I wanted to welcome him back with a smile.

I didn't want to be crying when we were reunited.

If I cried, that would make it harder to see Hajime-san’s face……

All sorts of thoughts that I had been repressing came bursting out of my heart.

Saito: Ah…… I'm back, Chizuru. Didn't I promise you that I would return? Why are you crying? Could it be, that you didn't believe me?

Hearing Hajime-san's question, I shook my head.

Yukimura: How could I not trust you. However, I was always worried…… [and] when I heard the bad rumours at camp, my heart felt like it was going to crack/split open. Also…… I had a dream, a dream where you went far, far away……

Saito:……I see.

As I cried, Hajime-san awkwardly embraced me.

His uniform, it was completely dirty……

Although his uniform was black, a single glance showed that there were bloodstains and bullet holes everywhere.

Just from seeing him like this, I could tell he had seen a fierce battle. [ or "it was as if I could see a fierce battle." check jp mtl]

A moment later, Hajime-san showed a bitter expression.

Saito: When [we were] surrounded by the New Government Army, I was prepared to be completely wiped out/defeated…… At this time, one of the seriously injured/wounded soldiers told me: we've all been injured [been completely beaten... or some other word that i think of later that implies helplessness] and can no longer be of use to fight. Leave us behind and get out of here with the rest of the troop members——

Yukimura:……!

The decision that had been before Hajime-san, the weight of it left me speechless.

Saito: The me from before, perhaps I would have accepted this proposal. But…… the me now, it was impossible [reword later]. Hijikata-san entrusted me with the leadership of the Shinsengumi. Additionally, I could not leave those who trusted me and stayed/chose to fight together with me when the Aizu were abandoned.

Yukimura:……Nn.

I looked straight into Hajime-san's eyes, and nodded approvingly/nodded in agreement.

Hearing about the changes in Hajime-san's heart, I felt delighted/happy, as if it was my own affair.

Saito: If I had accepted that soldier's proposal, I likely would have returned sooner…… Carefully leading the troops back, it took longer than I thought…… I'm sorry for making you worry about me.

After listening to Hajime-san's words, I shook my head.

Yukimura: I……that's not important/it doesn't matter. As long as are you are like this, and as long as you come back to me…… that's enough.

Saito:…………Yes [alt I see/is that so. check audio].

Yukimura: What happened to the other troop members/soldiers?

Saito: Because they're moving while carrying the wounded, I think that it will probably be a while longer before they catch up. But they will certainly catch up.

Yukimura: So it's like that, that's good……

Just by/from feeling Hajime-san's temperature [warmth] and his breathing, I was already very happy.

As long as he was like this now, and alive [As long as he lived like this now]…… being at my side, it was enough.

From the way he was looking at me, I could clearly feel that he felt the same way I did.

Saito:……Even for myself, I find it/feel that it's incredible/unimaginable.

Yukimura:……?

I tilted my head, not understanding what he meant.

Saito: Previously, I thought, the ideal wish of a warrior/samurai [check audio] would be to die in battle. However, I now fight for the sake of my comrades, so as to survive [so that we survive/live. chck jp mtl].

Indeed, if it was the past Hajime-san, when faced between choosing life and death, he likely wouldn’t have hesitated.

But......

Yukimura: I.......love the you now....... and I love the you back then. No....... no matter however you are, I will always accept you.

Hajime-san's eyes narrowed in satisfaction.

Saito:……You once told me before. The answer, the one I painfully struggled to find, whatever it was, you would accept it.

Yukimura:……Nn.

Saito: The one who changed me, it was probably you, Chizuru.

Yukimura: Eh......?

Saito: At the most dire point/height of the fighting, I thought of your face…… and my determination to not die grew stronger. Furthermore, every time I thought of how you were doing everything to help the wounded at camp, I kept thinking that these soldiers must not die here.

Yukimura:…………

Carefully listening to my lover's voice, his words, made me feel infinitely happy. [Listening to my lover's voice, his words made me feel extremely happy.]

When Hajime-san was desperately fighting at Nyoraido, if I was able to provide him some courage……

Nothing could make me happier.

After a short while, Hajime-san slightly tilted his head, almost as if he was urging something.

There was no need to ask what would happen next.

I closed my eyes, quietly responding to him.

After a pleasant wait, our lips were pressed together.

This kiss, it was very restrained, just like how he was.

My heart was beating loudly.

These thoughts became increasingly stronger in my heart, how I wish the two of us could stay in this forest at night forever. [check jp mtl. i’m probably going to go with something to the effect of: How I wish we could just stay forever in this moment, alone and encompassed by this forest at night.*this sentence is pissing me off lol.]

No matter what happens, I will never leave him again.

Saito:……From now on, I will never let you be this sad again. So, let me see you smile/your smile. In order to see your smile, no matter what happens, I will always return to you. [check jp mtl]

Before, I once asked him what he would do one day if he had to drink the Ochimizu for the Shinsengumi……

The answer that came from his lips without any hesitation, was to 【drink it】.

Yukimura:…………Nn. Hajime-san…… Hajime-san, as long as you stay by my side, I will always be happy.

He had asked me to smile, but i couldn't help but to continue crying...

As a result, I was smiling and crying in front of the person that i loved.

About half a month later, the 22nd of the 9th month——

The Aizu-han, which had been firmly resisting the New Government army, surrendered.

——End——

--------------

well, I probably could have made it easier for myself if I just copied the flashback text from SK/KW/EB... but I just couldn’t bring myself to look up the games to copy said text (had to uninstall them from my old pc for space to take stuff off my passport) since it’d really bother me knowing if I copied something than said it was my translation... which is why i didn’t. ah well. as a translator, the idea of taking credit on something that i didn’t translate really doesn’t sit well with me... but I still think that what I did for those parts came close to what I remember from the games...

gotta say though: I really dislike the word 「隊士」. In both Chinese and Japanese... and that, as a translator, i really don’t like how the Gregorian calendar names the months lol. it’s just so much easier to just leave the date as what it says based on the old Japanese calendar... with the era name and month number. let’s me not worry about doing research to ensure the accuracy of things (i require that all of my videos be precise when it comes to dates)...

also, i wish it’d snow everyday for a week. id get motivated enough to finish a chapter with that.... tho it’d need to be a heavy snowfall so it’s very visible. lol. maintaining my motivation on one thing for a long period of time just doesn't come easy to me... especially when it’s something that has +4000 words in it.

#Hakuoki #Hakuouki #Saito Hajime #Hakuoki Ginsei no Shou Translation #Hakuoki Game Translation #Yukimura Chizuru #hakuoki shinkai

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kdramachitchat · 3 years ago

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Episode 4 -- It takes a village to raise a child. Lee’s trial resulted to 30 floggings. We also find out more about Yohan’s older brother Isaac and the story behind the fire.

Episode 4 starts right off with the 1st trial of Lee Youngmin who is the son of Ms Cha. The trial ended and Judge Yohan gave words of encouragement to Judge Oh saying that both of them are a team. With a ecstatic producer, they were able to capture the moment on video. For sure their ratings will sky rocket even more.

Yohan receives a call from Cha and she asks why is he going this far & replies that she should ask her own son instead of him. Yohan added a rhetorical question on why Lee keeps on treating people like dirt. A person going through alot resulting to lose of control with his own temper is not an excuse. Cha defending her son saying he’s not a bad person. Yohan talks back and asks her if she was this relaxed while she’s a prosecutor. Yohan ended the phonecall and Cha demands that they meet in person.

Yohan and Cha discusses the result of her son’s trial

Cha is determined to change the result of her son’s first trial. Yohan says that her son is only being sentenced by the law. Cha didnt believe what he’s saying and says that he’s only doing this to get to her. Cha asks if there’s anything Yohan wants from her and wants a statement that doesnt include something obvious like justice. She knows that he wants power to gain popularity and suggests to give him a better case. He mentioned that there’s a case 19 yrs ago where she investigated a young politician with a bright future for bribery. At the time he hadnt taken any bribes. She investigated him and received a guilty verdict. Yohan mentions that the man is a trademark of morals and sadly took his own life, leaving behind his middle school son. Yohan asks Cha if she ever thought about that case during her career of 19 years. Cha defended herself that the case was legal. If she wants her son’s case to be let go she has to follow Yohan’s orders. Yohan ordered to tell the media the truth of that case.

Ga On asks Soohyun if he could meet the officer who investigated the fire 10 years ago. His call suddenly gets interrupted when Yohan came in the room. Ga On looks completely well but why hasn’t he left the mansion yet? As Yohan said, looks like he’s trying to find something. Ga On tells him that he’s not interested in other people’s business. Yohan then invited him somewhere and chooses his outfit for him.

SRF Party -- Gaon becomes a hit with the ladies & gets introduced to influential players. He also learns more about Yohan and the rich.

Yohan brings Ga On to the Social Responsibility Foundation party and Ms Sun Ah formally introduces herself to Ga On. Ga On then gets flocked by influential women and compliments how handsome he is. He got introduced by the wives of Chairman Park who owns Saram Media, Chairman Min who owns Minbo Group, Kim Sang Sook, Pi Hyang Mi. They complemented him saying that he’s a rising star. The women starts to ask for pictures and he gets extremely uncomfortable with the attention. Yohan observes from afar and seems happy that he’s getting the attention. Yohan saves him from the attention and excuses Ga On. The ladies talk behind his back making comments on how long Ga On can last working for Yohan. SunAh also makes a comment that Ga On is Yohan’s chaperone. He then officially gets introduced to Park Duman (Chairman of People’s Media Group), Min Yongsik (Chairman Of Minbo Group). The President arrives and the event starts. Chairman Seo being the bastard he is touching a server’s lower. SunAh noticed that she’s severely shaking while serving him water, stopped him and punched Chairman Seo in private. During their private conversation looks like SunAh is the leader over the 2.

Yohan makes a speech especially to the President and asks him if it has to be Cha who will protect his fortunes. The President agrees and says that it doesnt have to be Cha who’ll take part on the next presidency. The President says that the next candidate has to be someone who is popular amongst commoners and needs to have a strong background story. What about Yohan? Ga On quietly observes the situation from afar and notices how the huge players are bunch of crazy lunatics.

Ga On stays away from the dinner and has a private discussion with SunAh. SunAh starts discussing about the church fire from 10 yrs ago and mentions that there was a event that day that wasnt reported. Yohan’s older brother wanted to sign a contract stating that he’ll donate his wealth to the SRF. Then suddenly a huge fire broke out that day, coincidence i think not. SunAh tells Ga On that Isaac and his wife died due to the fire. Yohan is alive and the first thing he did after leaving the hospital was to cancel the donations made by his brother. In advance, Yohan brought a doctor’s note saying that Isaac had a weak mind and was incapble of making sound decisions. To think that Yohan did all of this right after his brother died. SunAh gets effected whenever the live show happens because of this situation.

Ga On and Yohan drives back to the mansion in silence. Ga On comments on the observation he made with the rich. Yohan tells him that both the rich and poor are the same when they’re in front of greed.

Lee Youngmin’s second trial

Ms Cha receives a call saying that they want her to deal with her son’s case alone. She also thinks about the choice Yohan gave her during their private discussion. Then a flashback about the wife and husband talking about their son’s case. The husband only cares about their son and not about the titles or the money. He knows that their son wont last a day in prison. The father seem to have more heart than Cha. Cha promises to get their son out even if she has to sacrifice herself. Looks like she has made her decision. Ms Cha then does a press conference and apologizes to the public for damage control. She’ll do this for her own gain and betrayed her son.

The 2nd trial begins with defending the defendant’s actions, citing examples that he grew up alone and the staff were found by him stealing things. With lack of parental love and attention he grew up to become a obsessive and aggressive behavior. They also brought up his results to the screens. They also gave out reasons that the lack of care from the parents resulted him to act that way and mentions for the court to be more generous. Since the prison is made from the tax payer’s money shouldnt Lee compensate to those who are hard working? They made a point and Yohan agreed. Yohan agreed with the statement and came up with appropriate punishment for Lee.

The punishment wouldnt cost any and the defendant will not be isolated from the society, itll only inflict temporary pain. Flagellation. Ga On once again is shocked by the result. Yohan also adds that the society should give the flagellation to him on his parents’ behave. A man once said, “It takes a village to raise a child.”

They show different victims like his own company staff, the restaurant staff, the poor man who he hit and the the rest of the public agreeing with the sentence.

Lee suddenly goes whack and makes crazy comments about the court system. He even knelt down infront of Judge Yohan and apologized. Yohan ofcourse being strict with the sentence announced that he will receive 30 floggings. He also adds that the floggings appears to be the minimum and most humanitarian sentence that he will give. The flogging should be done with transparency and will be watched by the entire nation. The embarrassment.

Ms Cha was also seen signing the sentence agreement with difficulty.

Fire Investigation

Soohyun and Ga On visits a restaurant and talks to Detective Park discussing about the fire incident that happened 10 yrs ago. Park has mentioned that his father goes there for service and Soohyun commented that there wasn’t any service that day due to the charity event that took place. She also added that that there were no records on who attended the charity event. Ga On butts in and asks that the cause of the fire is still unknown. Park mentions that the church was located in a old school building made of wood, nothing was left after it was burnt down. Soohyun asked if he got a statement from Yohan, if he saw anything. The man says that he only visited Yohan once but didnt remember much from the incident which was understandable, saying during the time he was surrounded by chaos.

Once the live court was over, Ga On makes a comment that Yohan cancelled the deed of convent that his own brother wrote. Wouldnt that be a motive for a crime?

Yohan’s cruel past still haunts him

Yohan and Ga On are back at the mansion. Ga On argues with Yohan and says that he’s only doing this for fun. Adding that he only does this to anyone who gets into his way especially his brother. This made Yohan pay more attention. Yohan’s anger becomes explosive after Ga On made a comment on how cruel he is. Ga On apologized after hearing the story from Yohan. Yohan realizes how people love tragic stories.

Verena Church

Isaac gave out his donation, the people that were involved are the same people who are are part of the live court. The President, Minister Of Justice, etc. Smoke was coming through the door and a fire exploded which burnt down the entire church. Yohan was nowhere to be seen. Elijah calling out for her mother. Who caused the fire? Yohan suddenly saw the church burning and went in and see Isaac, Elijah and Minister Of Justice in scrambles. Isaac is suffering from the smoke while Cha was trying to escape not bothered to save Elijah at all. Isaac saw all of this happening and saved Elijah. Is this the reason why he resents Ms Cha? Yohan tries to save both Isaac and Elijah but they got hit by a wood with fire. Elijah got paralyzed. Isaac didnt survive and before his final breath he told Yohan to get out. Yohan didnt want to but he promises to come back. The fire died down, Yohan survived and saw the same firefighter stealing Isaac’s watch. the firefighter didnt even bother saving Yohan and Elijah or at least helping out to remove Isaac’s dead body. Yohan got out of the church and noticed all of the others who survived especially Minister Of Justice. The cruelty of those people, only saving themselves made Yohan burst into anger.

He’s definitely out to get those influential people who survived the fire especially Minister Of Justice.

#2021 #The Devil Judge

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agent-bash · 3 years ago

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Alright so Cíara convinced me (not that it took like any effort on their part at all, it was literally one comment) to post my ‘it’s not a god damned tourniquet!’ rant. Under the cut for length and whatever.

What Kim did when she was shot was 1) smart and resourceful. Especially considering what happened, and how people, even trained professionals, generally respond to situations like that. 2) Exactly what she should have done. And 3) in no way shape or form a tourniquet.

She made and ABD pad, also called a trauma pad. Which is ideal for the wounds she had. A tourniquet would have made things much, much, worse.

Let’s talk about what a tourniquet does. It restricts blood supply. If you’ve nicked an artery in your arm or leg, you have to do this or you’ll bleed out PDQ. Notice the word arm and leg in the previous sentence? You do? Good! Because those are key, as tourniquets can only be applied to a limb. What’s that you say? But we have arteries throughout our bodies, so why can’t a tourniquet do the same thing when applied to the torso? Well, because you’ll die. Plain and simple. You. Will. Die.

Kim was in a survival situation, let’s say for kicks and giggles I guess, that she did need to apply a tourniquet. Say she got shot in the thigh, there’s a very big, very bleedy artery there. So she makes a make shift tourniquet to stop herself from bleeding out. Wanna know how like half of all diy survival tourniquet applications end? Amputation. Because you can only keep a tourniquet on for so long. Two hours is generally considered the maximum threshold. Longer than that and you’re chances of keeping your limb are pretty much nil. And Kim was down for way longer than that. OR they’re not done right and you bleed to death, just maybe a little slower.

But that’s just a limb. Other than muscle and tissue and general usefulness there isn’t a whole lot there for us. We don’t need our limbs to live, or even thrive. Which is why it is okay IN AN APPROPRIATE SITUATION AND AN APPROPRIATE SITUATION ONLY, to effectively cut off their blood supply.

Do you know what we have in our torso that uses blood supply? That need it way more than our arms or legs do? ORGANS! If you cut off blood supply to an organ, just like a limb, it will die. Know what generally happens to a person when an organ dies? They die! For real We only have like 1 organ that’s useless and 2.5 we can make due without. And donors are just getting harder and harder to find.

So now that we know in theory why it’s a bad idea to apply a tourniquet to a persons trunk. Because you know organ death. That’s just theory, there’s a practical side we haven’t hit yet. And that’s based around how a tourniquet works.

tourniquets apply pressure, a lot of pressure. Let’s say we don’t have a kit like is pretty much standard now so we have to make one. We would take a long strip of fabric, slip it aroind your leg/arm a couple inches above the wound and tie it down tight. Like the first knot in tying your shoes. And we pull as tight as we possibly can. It hurts, you’re gonna scream when this is done, but that’s also no where near enough pressure. So over the knot we put a stick, wrap some of the excess strap around the stick and we twist. And we twist. And we twist. We twist until we see the flow stop. Then we tie it off in a way that’s going to hold that pressure. And this FUCKING HURTS. It is so painful. And it’s also a lot of pressure.

If you came across a person who was shot where Kim was and tried to apply a tourniquet, you’d probably crush them before reaching this pressure. Their lungs wouldn’t be able to expand, they wouldn’t be able to breath and they would die. Or (and I’m only partly joking here) it’d be like one of those YouTube videos of people wrapping elastic band after elastic band around a watermelon.

So yeah, TL;DR; Kim made a trauma pad, not a tourniquet. Stop calling it a tourniquet, that’s not was at all. Tourniquets can only be applies to limbs, if you try and apply one to somebody’s torso (or neck like WTF? And yes I did see that somewhere.) congrats you’ve probably killed them! But I think the Good Samaritan law would save you from jail.

#it wasn’t a tourniquet OK!?!#Kim Burgess #Is a badass

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babyboy-bangtan · 5 years ago

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By Chance Chapter 12

A misunderstanding gone viral puts you on BTS’s radar, which leads to a series of events that finally culminate with you meeting them for the first time.

✚ Pairing: Sub!BTS/Female Reader ✚ Word Count: 5.4K ✚ Rating: M ✚ Warnings: None. ✚ A/N: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of my imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Dialogues spoken in Korean when English is also being spoken will be bolded and italicized. Read on AO3 / Chapters 1-4 / Chapters 5-8 / Chapters 9-10 / Chapter 11

The Meeting: Part 2

Thanks to some good, old fashioned bribing with tickets to the premiere of your next movie, you managed to get your hand on a couple of the pictures from BTS's SNL shoot, and you were able to have your assistant get you a custom made card for them. It's a pretty simple design, but you think that makes it look just perfect; it's one of their group photos, with 'HAPPY SNL DEBUT DAY' written at the bottom. It's a cute, well-made card that they can open to see what you've written inside— the problem only being that you don't know what to write just yet.

As you delete yet another sentence you've written on your notes because it doesn't feel right— this has been going on for at least half an hour— an incoming call from your assistant suddenly startles you.

"Fuck." You say, clutching your chest before answering it. "Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, I'm right next in line at the flower shop— do you want me to give the phone to the florist when it's my turn?"

"Yeah, please do. I'll just wait on the line. Thank you!"

"Okay, no problem." She says, while you distract yourself by trying to come up with a nice, not too personal message to write to the boys.

They were absolute sweethearts when you met them, much more so than you thought they were going to be, not to mention much more breathtakingly beautiful in person than on screen— and that truly is saying something. It was a bit hard to keep yourself together while they were around you because of how stunning they looked, and when they told you that Jungkook and Jimin were actually your fans you almost lost it. Jungkook was especially adorable— he got so shy around you that it made you want to hug him and tell him it was okay, but you knew that would've been an invasion of his personal space you doubt he would've welcomed.

You almost made a fool of yourself when they asked you what your favorite video of theirs was; you answered Blood, Sweat and Tears so quickly that you were sure they would realize why it was your favorite. You ended up covering it up by saying it was because of how artistic it was— which is not a lie per se, only a partial truth— and they seemed to fully believe you. You couldn't go ahead tell them the true reason was because seeing them hanging from swings, being tied up and blindfolded while kneeling or wrapping their hands around their own throats makes you want to go wild— because they would've rightfully run for the hills.

So, because of how lovely and sweet they were, you want to give them something that might ease their nerves even if it's just a little bit. You know what it feels like to be nervous on SNL for the first time as a host— but they are the first South Korean band to ever perform there and you can't imagine how much pressure they must be feeling over that.

Since you don't know them that well, you went for the safest bet you could think of: a nice arrangement of flowers. You would've loved to go into the shop yourself, but if word got out that you were in a flower shop buying a arrangement with 7 different types of flowers, it'd be only a matter of time before someone put two and two together and fucked up your gift by telling some news outlet desperate for any kind of celeb gossip.

"Hi, sir." You hear your assistant say. "Would you mind speaking with my boss over the phone? She couldn't come here but she wanted to order an arrangement herself—"

"Sure, no problem." You hear a male voice say, a bit further away and muffled. "Hello?" Now his voice is perfectly clear.

"Hi! Thanks for accepting the call."

"No problem, ma'am. What can I help you with?"

"Okay, I wanted to order an arrangement that I need to be ready by... let's say Saturday at noon—"

"Uh, that's very soon—" He says, but you interrupt him because you knew this was coming. The flower shop is quite famous— and that fame is well earned because their work is stunning— but you know from someone that it's not impossible to get them delivered in a couple days, if you're willing to pay the price. Which you are. That's the reason you sent your assistant— so she would try to persuade him if in case you couldn't yourself through the phone and to avoid the possibility of him hanging up on you before hearing you out.

"I know— but I'll pay whatever it costs to get it by this Saturday."

"It's going to be a bit expensive, ma'am—"

"I know." You repeat. "Money won't be an issue."

"Uhhh... okay, then." He says. "What kind of arrangement do you have in mind?"

"I need a big arrangement that must have 7 different types of flowers— and I need it to be noticeable that they are 7 and they're different, and they all need to be given the same importance. I don't want any sticking out more than the others."

"Right, do you have any type of flowers in mind?"

"No because I don't really know anything about flowers— except that they have meanings. It would be perfect if you choose flowers that symbolized greatness, success, longevity, beauty, elegance— that type of things."

"Got it. Any particular color combinations, maybe warmer colors or...?"

"Oh, yes. I want the color you notice first to be pink. Maybe different types of pink? And if you need to add other colors, they should be pastels. But pink has to be the main color. I just want it to look really beautiful. I want the people getting it to feel valued when they see it."

"That I can do, ma'am. Anything else?"

"No, that's all. Thank you so much, my assistant will take care of the payment."

"My pleasure."

"Hi, boss." Your assistant says, always careful to not say your name out loud, just in case. "I got it from here."

"Oh, wait! Did you get the vase already?" You almost forgot to ask.

"Yes. I picked it up before coming here. It looks just like you wanted it. I'll text you a picture later."

"Thank you! See you soon!"

You also had her order a custom made glass vase inspired on the cover of their latest album, but you don't know yet if it's going to look good or clash with the arrangement the florist will make for you. If it doesn't look good you'll just discard the idea, even though you really hope it does. You want them to know you just didn't ask for a generic arrangement of flowers, you want them to be able to tell that you put some thought into this so they know they're appreciated. You know a thing or two about feeling like an outsider, and you also know the relief you can get from knowing that someone from the other side is on yours too, supporting you.

When you hang up, you suddenly have an idea for what you want to write. When you went down a rabbit hole of BTS compilation videos that ended up with you laughing so hard that your stomach hurt and there were tears streaming down your face— who would've thought that the same guys who look like sin personified on stage and music videos were so damn goofy and hilarious?— you noticed there was a word they kept saying, but you forgot to search what it meant.

You open your browser and search 'what does fighting mean in kpop', because even though you're pretty sure that based on the context they used it you understood its meaning correctly, it still doesn't hurt to make sure.

"... a Korean word of support or encouragement. It is frequently used in sports or whenever a challenge such as a difficult test or unpleasant assignment is met. It derives from a Konglish borrowing of the English word "Fighting!"

You were correct.

화이팅— you will definitely use that. You start typing again, and for the first time you actually feel like what you wrote is appropriate for the situation.

You just hope the boys will actually like it, instead of thinking it's too much or that you crossed a line.

Much to Jungkook and Jimin's displeasure— although, to be fair, after meeting you the rest of them wouldn't have minded to spend more time with you either— they had to wait until Saturday before they could see you again. Sadly, even though the day is already upon them, they're now too focused on being completely prepared to really think about anything else. That's the reason why they hoped to meet with you again before the day of the episode; they hoped to interact with you one more time without having to worry so much about giving their best for their performances just yet.

To tell the truth, apart from Jimin and Jungkook who already were very aware they liked you and were really looking forward to meet you, the rest of them hadn't really had any set expectations when it came to you meeting them. Namjoon had been worried about Jin maybe getting flustered— which he didn't because he didn't really talk to you at all to make sure that didn't happen— and Yoongi was hoping to see Jin getting flustered, but he just settled for enjoying how shy and nervous Jimin and Jungkook got when you paid attention to them. What Hoseok loved the most was how quickly you made them feel at ease with you— like you'd known each other for a long time. Taehyung loved that too— and he also loved that you shared your experience with them to make them feel better. It really helped him feel a bit less nervous about their performance.

They had known you'd be nice— how could they think otherwise with Jungkook constantly reminding them about your kind personality— but they felt they weren't really prepared for how easy it was to be around you, even if there were embarrassing moments for several of them. Embarrassment was unavoidable, but any sort of awkwardness was nonexistent. You made them feel comfortable and welcome immediately, and they really appreciated it and were thankful for that.

After you shot the promos you had to leave and gave them all a hug goodbye, which was more than Jungkook ever thought he was going to get. And when you told them you were dying to see them perform live on Saturday, Jungkook felt like he was going to melt into a puddle on the floor. You kept telling them all how amazing and talented they were, and at that point they were all blushing and feeling embarrassed at your praises, not knowing what else to do but saying thank you as you rambled on about how incredible their choreographies and voices were. Namjoon got so shy when you told him his English was incredible that he could barely say another word after that.

When you finally left and they returned to their dressing room, Jungkook had to sit down to process everything that had just happened. He met you, you hugged him twice and to top it all you said they were great and told them how much you loved their songs and music videos.

Both him and Jimin got a good amount of teasing from the others on their way back to the hotel because of how flustered they'd gotten when you talked to them— Yoongi said he thought Jungkook was going to faint when you told him to sit next to you and Hoseok laughed at how charming Jimin tried to be and how immediately shy he got by you just talking to him.

"Namjoon-Hyung got shy too when she said his English was good!" Jimin had blurted out, trying to divert the teasing to someone else while the others laughed.

"Why are you dragging me into this? I didn't say anything!" Namjoon had complained, blushing deeply.

The teasing went on through the rest of the day, and by the time they had to go to bed, Jungkook started daydreaming about the possibility of you and all of them becoming actual friends. After getting to spend time with you and because of how nice you were, it slowly stopped feeling like something unreachable.

Now, the day of the show is finally here, and even though their performances are at the forefront of their minds, knowing that they'll get to see you again is also something that makes them feel excited. Some more so than others, but they're all excited nonetheless.

When they arrive to the studio the feeling of anticipation starts to truly settle in, and with it nervousness and excitement as well. They are well prepared— they've rehearsed the songs over and over again— but the possibility of something going wrong and affecting the performance negatively is always a worry.

Namjoon walks into the room first, but he suddenly stops his movements when he catches sight of what's on the table.

"What? What's this?" He asks, shocked, looking around their staff for answers. "Who left this here?"

There's a beautiful, huge flower arrangement waiting for them.

"Wooooow." Taehyung says right behind him. "Is this from the SNL people? It's so pretty." He smells the flowers, closing his eyes as he enjoys their lovely perfume. Someone from their staff answers that someone from the SNL crew left it a little while ago without saying anything else.

The rest walk in and marvel at the arrangement as well, but it's Hoseok who finally realizes there's actually an envelope positioned between the flowers.

"Oh, guys, I think there's a card." He opens the envelope and smiles at the image on the card, showing it to the others."Cute."

"Who is it from, Hyung?" Jimin asks, going to smell the flowers as well while Taehyung takes a picture of them.

"It's from [Y/N]-Noona!" Jungkook suddenly exclaims, reading over Hoseok's shoulder.

"She wrote a message." Hoseok says, handing it to Namjoon, who quickly reads it and translates it for the rest of them.

It's normal to be nervous, but remember you're here for a reason: You already made it. Don't worry, you're gonna kill it! 화이팅! [Y/N]

"She wrote 'fighting' in Korean, that's so thoughtful of her." He says with a smile, handing the card to Jimin when he asks for it.

"Ah, [Y/N]-Noona is so nice." Taehyung says as he reads the card with Jimin, who nods in agreement.

"Ah, wait—" Yoongi suddenly mumbles, crouching down slightly to take a better look. "The vase looks like the cover of our album."

"What, really?" Jin says, resting his hands on Yoongi's shoulders and crouching as well. "Oh wow, it does." In the middle of the soft pink of the glass vase, they can see the distinct heart shape of their album cover art. "This looks very expensive." He finally adds, standing upright again.

"Hyung, we don't have anything like this for her!" Jungkook suddenly says, almost panicking.

You got them this incredibly thoughtful gift, and he worries that you might feel they are ungrateful because they didn't get anything for you. How did it not occur to them to get you a flower bouquet as well? It's such a common thing to give, even if it still would've been a smaller gift than the one you gave them. It would've been something, at least.

"Well, we've got the album to give her." Namjoon says, scratching the back of his head. Until Jungkook mentioned it, he hadn't really considered that they might look rude for not getting you something like this as well.

"Don't be silly, she obviously didn't get us this because she was waiting for something in return." Yoongi interrupts them before Jungkook starts to have a meltdown. "You can tell she's not the kind of person who'd do something like that."

"He's right." Hoseok agrees. "I think she just wanted us to feel welcome."

"I think so too." Jimin says, with Taehyung nodding at his side. Jin and Namjoon also agree, and Jungkook can't really argue against that. You're too kind to be bothered by something like that and you definitely wouldn't get them something because you wanted something from them. You did this because you wanted to, and that's it.

When they start getting dressed for their Boy With Luv performance, Jungkook can't help himself and keeps glancing at the TV on the wall to check if you're there already, even if he knows the show hasn't even started yet. In your first SNL episode you were hilarious, and he knows this time will be no different.

Once you do appear, Jungkook's eyes are firmly glued to the screen. He's vaguely aware a stylist is working on him, but he's just letting her do whatever she needs while enjoying your monologue. The rest of the boys end up watching it as well, even though they don't all understand what you're saying on the same level. Namjoon, however, is laughing so hard he's almost crying.

"Oh my god, she's hilarious." He says, clutching his stomach. Jungkook had mentioned more than once that you were funny, but he had no idea you were this funny. The way you deliver every line you're saying makes it just perfect. As far as he knows you're not a comedic actor, but looking at you so at ease standing there, he feels like you definitely could be.

Jungkook grins at him, nodding in agreement.

After that, the there's not much more to do than practice the little details and wait for the time of the performance to come.

When you were told that you only had to be at the main stage a couple minutes before you needed to present BTS, you have to admit you were a little disappointed. You wanted to see the boys again before that, but work is work and you needed to do several outfit changes through the night. You're now dressed in regular clothes again, but after their performance is done you need to rush out of there and start getting ready for another sketch once again. So far everything has been going smoothly, except for one moment where you almost broke character and started laughing, but you managed to work it out pretty well and continue without much trouble.

Once you finally get there, the boys are already waiting on the stage and you manage to wave at them with a smile before a makeup artist pulls you away and starts fixing your face, and soon enough you're standing in front of the camera, ready to introduce them.

"Ladies and gentlemen, BTS." You say, moving away to the side so the camera can focus on them instead.

You, of course, are immediately enraptured by their performance and can't take your eyes off of them. Your brain still has a hard time processing that the boys who got so shy while just talking to you are over there now, being incredibly sexy and seductive like it's the way they are 24/7. They absolutely know what they're doing, and they know how to do it perfectly. They own the stage, and they love it.

You find yourself mouthing the "oh my my my" part of the chorus and dancing on your spot, because it's too catchy not to. The song is great, and you know for a fact it's gonna be a hit, and the performance is even better. You'll definitely be listening to it over and over again after this.

When the song is done, you only manage to give them two excited thumbs up when they look at where you are, before you are ushered away to get dressed for your next sketch. Things thankfully continue to go by without a problem; the audience's response is very positive and you feel quite confident about how everything is turning out to be.

It's not long before you're having another wardrobe change to present BTS's second performance of the night, and you're even more excited about this one than you were before. This song is actually one of your favorites, it's so fun to listen to and you can't wait to see them perform it live.

"Once again, BTS." You say, smiling widely as the camera moves away from you and goes to them.

You can actually sing this one— except for the parts in Korean— so you're really enjoying yourself this time. Dancing to their songs is pretty much unavoidable, and you can't help but mimic some of the easy parts of their choreography as well. They take your breath away through their entire performance— those damn hip rolls could give you a heart attack— and when they finish you start clapping and cheering for them like there's no tomorrow. They do get to see you right before someone takes you away so you can change again, and you manage to give them another thumbs up as you walk away to the dressing room.

When you're finally done with the last sketch, you feel the tension slip away from your body almost immediately. The last thing you need to do is get out of your costume and wrap up the episode with BTS and the cast, and you'll be finally done.

Your final outfit is a simple, not too tight dark blue suit with a white shirt and high heels, and the moment your makeup is fixed up you go back to the stage to get on position for the ending.

The boys are already there when you arrive, and you quickly greet them before someone from the production team starts to place them in the spots that work best for their height in relation to yours. When the cameras start rolling again you deliver your words of thanks for the opportunity to have so much fun with the SNL cast again and thank them, BTS and the amazing production team before saying your final goodbye so the credits can roll in.

You waste no time in hugging the boys one by one, immediately telling them how absolutely amazing their performance was, and then move on to the SNL cast who compliment you and tell you that you did a great job, which you say right back at them. They invite you to the after party, but you politely decline because you actually have a flight to catch in a few hours— and also because you're tired and don't really want to go.

Before you can start saying goodbye to them, Namjoon stops you to speak to you.

"Hey, would you mind to come by our dressing room in a bit? We have a little gift we wanted to give you—" He says, and you suddenly remember your assistant had told you that someone from their staff had asked her that already, and they told her they were going to film it.

"Oh, yes! Of course." You nod. "You guys go ahead and I'll be there in a sec." You want to switch your heels for something more comfortable before that.

They go in the direction of their dressing room, whereas you go find your assistant so she can give you your sneakers and take your high heels from you. Once you're done, you ask someone to lead you to where BTS's is staying.

"Come in, [Y/N]!" You hear Namjoon say when he sees you at the door, and you walk in and bow slightly to their staff before greeting them.

"Annyeonghaseyo." You say, and they reply the same to you. "Hey guys!" You say, waving at them. You hold yourself back from touching them too much because you don't want their fans to react negatively to this interaction, or maybe take it the wrong way. They all greet you with bright smiles, and suddenly Namjoon asks you to stand in the middle of them so they can take a picture.

"Oh, of course." You position yourself between Jungkook and Jimin. "You guys were so great tonight!" You say once the picture is taken.

You hear a chorus of thank you, and before you can leave Namjoon stops you and hands you a copy of their own album.

"We wanted to give you this—"

"You guys!" You say, genuinely touched at the gesture. "That's so sweet, thank you so much!" You clutch the album to your chest. "I love it."

You have to leave the room shortly after, and you wave at them as you walk through the door while they all yell goodbye to you.

You look at the album on your way back to your own dressing room; they all signed it, and even wrote little messages like 'thank you for the support', which you find to be absolutely adorable. Your assistant is waiting for you with yet another change of clothes— never in your life you have changed so often in such a short period of time, including your previous SNL appearance— so you can be actually comfortable once you're on your way to the airport.

Today was a long day, but a really fun and exciting one nonetheless. You just hope you'll be able to get some sleep on the plane, because otherwise you'll be fucked tomorrow.

It's not until after they are done filming the ending of their episode that Jungkook has a sudden thought, and waits no time to blurt it out to everyone in the middle of the room, startling even their stylists.

"We didn't thank [Y/N]-Noona for the flowers!" He cries out, looking like the world is about to end. He was just staring at the arrangement thinking about what a nice gesture it had been and how happy it made him, when he realized they never even did so much as mention it to you— and you didn't say anything about it.

"Oh shit." Namjoon says, realizing he's right and feeling angry at himself for not realizing it sooner. He had the entire night already planned in his mind and he did everything he had to do meticulously— but your gift was something he hadn't expected at all and his own nerves and excitement made him forget about it with everything else going on. "Do you think she's already gone?" He turns to their staff. "Can you find out if she left?"

God, they wasted so much time changing into their clothes that it's a very big possibility that you already left the building.

"She's still here, her assistant said she would make sure she doesn't leave yet, but you have to be fast because she has a flight to catch." Someone from their staff says, slightly breathless.

"Come on, let's go. We can't leave without thanking her." Namjoon says, and Yoongi frowns from his place on the couch.

"Do we all have to go? I'm sure it will be fine if only you go and thank her for all of us—" He complains, not wanting to get up.

"We're all going, Hyung. Get up." Namjoon says, leaving no room for discussion for anyone.

"I didn't really forget to thank her, I just thought they had decided not to and didn't say anything." Taehyung whispers to Jimin as they walk, who covers his mouth to stifle his laughter.

"Don't tell them that." He manages to whisper back.

When they finally arrive to your dressing room, they find you sitting there scrolling through your phone without a care in the world.

"Guys, hi!" You greet them with a smile, standing up once you see them enter. "What happened? My assistant told me—"

"We are so sorry!" Jungkook blurts out, looking very apologetic. You look at him like you have no idea what he's talking about— which, to tell the truth, you probably don't.

"Huh?" You say, frowning in confusion. "Sorry about...?"

"We forgot to thank you for the flowers." Namjoon quickly says, taking the reins of the apology. "We were very grateful when we saw them, and the message on the card was very thoughtful."

"The flowers— that's what this was about? You are very welcome guys, but it wasn't necessary to come all the way here, I promise." You laugh, lifting up both of your hands as if to make sure they understand you don't mind.

"No, no, it is. You went through all the trouble of getting them and it would be very rude to not thank you for them." Namjoon argues while the rest of them nod in agreement, and you bring your hands to your chest.

"That's incredibly sweet guys— I'm very happy you liked it. I just wanted you to know you are very welcome here. I know there are some people here that can be— how do I put this?" You look like you're trying to find the right words for a couple seconds. "Literal pieces of shit when it comes to talking about you." They all laugh at that, they can't really help it because of the deadpan way you say it. "But so many people here love you and appreciate you, and I hope you never forget that even if sometimes the worst people seem to be the loudest, they're not the majority. Not at all." They are all really touched by your words once Namjoon translates for them, but when he's about to reply to you he's interrupted by your assistant.

"[Y/N], the car is here. You need to go." She says, speaking from the door.

"I'm so sorry, I have to get going." You say, and they all nod in understanding. You sling your bag over your shoulder and start hugging them goodbye, but as you let go of Jungkook who is the last one, you suddenly say something that surprises them. "We should keep in touch."

"I can give you my number." Jungkook says immediately, pulling out his own phone so fast the others don't even see the movement. Jin has to look down in order to not burst out laughing right there, while the others do a slightly better job at hiding their reactions. "Or you give me yours." He unlocks his phone just in case, as he feels his ears starting to get hot. He doesn't care about embarrassment right now, this is more important.

You take the phone from his hand with a smile and quickly type your number, leaving it like that for him to save it himself.

"[Y/N]—" Your assistant calls for you again.

"Sorry guys, gotta go." You say, smiling apologetically. "Text me so I can save your number." You tell Jungkook with a smile right before walking away, leaving him just standing there looking down at the phone on his hand.

Jimin has his own phone out, quickly copying the number for himself before saving it as [Y/N] 누나.

"She gave me her number." Jungkook says, looking down at the screen in a daze.

"Yes, she did." Namjoon says, squeezing his shoulder while trying not to laugh at his reaction.

As they go get their things to finally go back to the hotel ,Jungkook's mind is focused only on the fact that he got your number, but not only that— he got it because you were the one who wanted to stay in touch with them.

He doesn't think he'll be able to sleep tonight.

While you relax and try to enjoy the car ride to the airport, your phone suddenly vibrates on your lap.

Is this [Y/N]?

It's a message from a number you don't recognize, so of course you assume it's Jungkook.

Yes. Who's this?

What you get in response is a selfie, but not from the person you were expecting.

It's Jimin. He's giving you a finger heart and has a puppy filter on, and you can't deny that your heart skips a beat at how adorable he looks.

Looks like someone stole my number.

Your phone vibrates immediately after, but this time it's a new number.

[Y/N]? Jungkook?

Much like Jimin, he sends you a selfie to confirm his identity— but unlike Jimin he has no filter on and is just looking at the camera with a grin instead. You feel your heart skip a beat again, and this time you send a picture of yourself in response, smiling as well.

Before you can even lock your phone it vibrates again, and this time it's Jimin.

Fuck.

He just sent you a selfie of himself pouting.

I don't steal :(

You have no doubts anymore. These boys will be the death of you.

This is the final chapter of the first arc of the story! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!

#sub!bts #sub!idol #bts x reader #kim namjoon x reader #kim seokjin x reader #min yoongi x reader #jung hoseok x reader #park jimin x reader #kim taehyung x reader #jeon jungkook x reader #my work

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meichenxi · 4 years ago

Note

For the ask game! 9, 12, and 22?

Yay more askies :D this is going to be likewise long!

9) What does a week in your language learning routine look like?

- I’m not particularly disciplined in the way that I study, though I do tend to study most days. I’m very good at making plans but less at following them consistently, so this is a more realistic depiction of what I do!

- Because I’m currently studying with HSK Online and they have two classes a week which cover about 3 chapters, I have a lot of vocabulary and grammar that I need to cover in the app before attending those classes, so most of my studies at the moment are focused on getting that done. So:

Vocabulary and grammar:

(I do this all most days, depending on what exactly I need to do for the next lesson, but I try to do Quizlet every day)

1) I go through the vocabulary and grammar lessons, and write down the vocab and any example sentences.

2) When I input this into Quizlet, I use Baidu Translate to look at example sentences to get a better feel for how the word is used. I also write a couple of sentences / say a couple of sentences with each word. Baidu Translate is a fantastic tool, much better for Chinese than Google Translate, and it has an example sentences section where you can get the pinyin if you hover over the characters.

3) After I feel I vaguely know the words for that day, I will go back and actively study them on Quizlet. For any words I forget I’ll write more sentences, or look at more examples. If there are any grammar points, I look them up on Chinese grammar wiki.

Input and reading

(I don’t do these at any specific time, but luckily I quite enjoy this section so am very happy to Consume Media)

1) Try to read something every day. It doesn’t matter exactly what this is - often it’s Bilibili comments! I also like to skim through my graded reader and try to practice scan-reading.

2) I do dedicated HSK-style reading practice a few times a week as well. Again, I use the HSK Online app for this. It’s terrifying but necessary. This one I do have to motivate myself to do.

3) I watch a lot of Chinese shows. Some with English subs, some with Chinese subs. My favourites include The Untamed (obviously), Nirvana in Fire (will always need the subs for this rip), Tian Guan Ci Fu (a donghua on Bilibili) and Street Dance of China. I probably watch a good 5-10 hours of TV a week.

4) I learn other things through Chinese. So I watch lectures or courses on Bilibili or do workout videos. I especially like watching videos teaching beginners Cantonese and Japanese, two languages I am interested in learning, as well as Literary Chinese.

5) I listen to podcasts in Chinese when I’m walking around. My favourites include 聊聊东西, 听故事学中文 and 面包吐司. They are all in Chinese, but all specifically designed for foreigners, though the first and last are not learning podcasts, just podcasts of fairly accessible content where people chat about things like smoking, health, dating and so on. The second one is a podcast where stories are read in Chinese, and then explained sentence-by-sentence in Chinese, so it’s more ‘learning’.

12 - What tips would you give to people that want to study the language/s you’re studying?

1) It’s an uphill slog, but you’re at the hardest place right now. So if you feel discouraged, if you feel overwhelmed, nobody else got it after one month either! It will take time, but is there anything worthwhile that doesn’t?

2) Invest in good pronunciation training right from the beginning. If you can’t take classes, watch videos (YoYo Chinese, Outlier Chinese, Mandarin Blueprint etc have good tone series). Practice tone pairs. Tone pairs are your saviours. Practice repeating what the speaker actually says, not what you think they say. Learn a little bit about phonetics.

3) Listen to Chinese right from the get go, as much as you can. Listening is many people’s weakest area, especially if they are learning it in a non-Chinese speaking environment. Play podcasts all the time. Differentiate between ‘learning’ podcasts (which will mostly be in English at the beginning), and podcasts that just train your ear to the sounds of Chinese. Have Chinese podcasts on all the time, regardless of whether you understand them or not.

4) Invest in a structured course. I don’t necessarily mean classes with a teacher, though if you can I would recommend italki (feel free to contact me to see which teachers I’d recommend). But consider something like Chinese Zero to Hero, where they have videos explaining HSK1 through to HSK6. It’s about 100 dollars, but even if you have to save up for a few months to get that, I’d recommend it. Why? Because Chinese is overwhelming and there’s so much to learn. Having someone to tell you what you need to learn next is an absolute god-send. Plus, they know more than you what beginners need to tackle. They also have beginner-appropriate audio, which is absolutely crucial to learning to speak. I really would recommend this course.

5) Learn properly about how characters work from the get go. Learn about phonetic and semantic components. Learn what types of characters there are, learn the most common components, and learn to hand-write them too.

6) Record yourself speaking as much as you can. Play it back. How does it sound? Record it again.

7) Practice reading from the moment you have around 150 characters. There are excellent physical graded readers as well as apps like The Chairman’s Bao and Du Chinese. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE IT OUT. It takes time for you to get used to reading in a second language, especially one with unfamiliar characters.

8) Decide whether you’re going for traditional or simplified, and stick with it. Do not learn both unless you have a very good reason. If you think you might go to Hong Kong or Taiwan, have family there, want to read literary Chinese, or even understand ‘deeper’ how certain characters have developed, you can learn traditional, but if you’re less than 100% sure, go with simplified. It’s easier for beginners, and if you have a good level of simplified Chinese, traditional isn’t that hard to pick up later down the line - some common characters are completely different, but many are different in very predictable ways. If you are not absolutely sure you are going to need traditional, I’d recommend simplified.

9) Really, really consider your motivation. Why are you learning? Do you just think it would be cool? It is cool, but that’s not enough of a reason to embark on any language, much less one with extra difficulties like Chinese. In an ideal situation, you’d be intrinsically motivated all the time: but that’s not always going to happen. Do you have Chinese family you’d like to communicate with better? Do you want to travel to a Chinese speaking country? Do you want to read Chinese poetry? Do you just really love Xiao Zhan?? If you’re doing it ‘for your career’, please bear in mind that you won’t get any points for learning half a language. If you’re not willing to engage with the culture and the people, you’re just not going to be successful long term.

10) Find things you like watching / listening to / reading in Chinese as soon as you can. Bored? Unmotivated? Stick a favourite episode of your favourite drama on. It still technically counts as immersion, and when your language skills are better, you’ll be able to use that as your textbook!! Try and find something that will make you want to read or listen in Chinese, and then it won’t feel like a chore. It’ll also become a motivation, because inevitably the more you explore the Chinese language internet, the more you’ll find things you can’t interact with in translation and need your language skills for.

22 - How has learning about the culture of the country impacted your language learning?

Hmm, this is a really interesting question!! I'll have to answer in a few ways.

1) I'm interested in a lot of things about Chinese culture, which fuelled my interest for learning Chinese, and also let me learn in a more fun way. I’m a huge tea nerd, I enjoy listening to Chinese traditional music though I know very little about it, and I enjoy calligraphy. I think that some hanfu is just objectively the most gorgeous clothing on the planet and I enjoy Chinese water-and-mountain style landscape art. I also love the karst landscapes of some parts of southern China (OH MY GOD LIMESTONE MY FAVOURITE ROCK) and I’ve had a faded picture of Zhangjiajie on my wall since I was about nine. This is very different from my experience with German: I love the German language, and I have a lot of great friends from German-speaking countries, but I’m not intrinsically interested in the culture the same way I am Chinese-speaking countries. Because there’s so much I want to learn, it gives me a) huge motivation for continuing studying, b) makes it a more holistic, rounded experience, and c) provides me with wonderful study materials. At the intermediate level, I can avoid textbooks if I really want to and just learn about tea. Isn't that just the dream. Also, realistically, if I want to be able to read poetry in literary Chinese, my modern Chinese has to be a lot better. So I’m very motivated because of this.

2) My interest in martial arts! I originally started learning Chinese because I had gotten interested in Chinese culture via wuxia and martial arts. My dad is a huge martial arts nerd. By that I don’t mean someone who sits on his sofa all day with a nunchuck collection and Bruce Lee pictures, I mean he gets up at 6 every day and trains for about 2-3 hours. He can run a 5:30 minute mile aged 56. I have so much respect for this man, seriously. He used to practice karate, taekwondo and Muay Thai, but after he got sick he started with taiji. He’s practiced taiji and qigong now every day for about twenty years. So I was brought up on a diet of Hong Kong and mainland Chinese martial arts cinema - my dad would regularly show me clips of films because I couldn’t watch the whole ones until I was older, and get into trouble when my mum came back! We spent hours learning forms together and doing push-hands in the kitchen. Even now when we go home our form of affection is trying to kick each other without being kicked back lmao. I discovered the Jin Yong books in English about 15 and was just entranced by the names of the movements, by the action, the galloping across the plains, the sweeping scenery. I have inherited this interest, and am also a huge martial arts nerd and so a large motivation for me learning Chinese is that a) I love the genre of wuxia and want to know more about it, and b) I’d like to spend a few years training at an academy in Wudang and want to be able to understand as much as possible and for that, I obviously need the language to a high level!!! I started jiu jitsu when I was 8, started a southern style of Kung Fu when I was fifteen, studied for a few months in China in an academy, and it’s been my dream to go back since.

3) Different cultural attitudes, the outside park culture, and how people talk to each other. I’m from the UK, alright - we don’t do things in public and we certainly don’t approach strangers!! So when I was in China this was one of the weirdest things to get used to, next to just the sheer amount of people (I grew up in a village of 2000). But though it was tiring at times, I liked it so much. It was so refreshing to have people ask me questions because they were curious, and start talking to me. One of the reasons that I think my accidental immersion-only approach to learning Chinese the first time I was in China worked was because I just couldn’t stay away from the parks. People practicing taiji, playing badminton, chilling with kids, doing calisthenics: isn’t that just so so cool??? And naturally if I was in the parks, people would chat to me. This patience and friendliness (because my Chinese truly was awful) combined with many people’s lack of ability / confidence in English meant that I was able to improve in a way which would have been impossible in, say, Germany or Finland. Can you imagine?? Once an old guy came up to me, peered over my shoulder at my (English) book, then announced loudly, ‘I can’t read it.’ I was like - can you read English?? He shook his head, and then pointed to a small boy: ‘This is my grandson. He’s learning English.’ That kind of interaction repeated daily, as well as being in a second-tier city where I had to speak Chinese, did so much for my language skills. It also made me very motivated to improve. Also, training and exercise is just a great way to meet people: no matter your language skills, if you are dedicated people are going to respect that, and if you’re both there every day, you’re going to get chatting eventually.

Phew, that got long again (what a surprise). But thank you very much for your questions!! :D

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dreamcatcherjiah · 5 years ago

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🌆 Nodus Tollens (Idol!Jin x YouTuber!reader)

Nodus Tollens Masterlist

Part 12

Plot: n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

After such a tiring day, you were really wondering if you were stretching yourself past your limits. Helping your parents at the restaurant had always been your priority, and you would rather quit everything else before leaving them busy and without your help. But days like this really made you question your life choices.

Waking up from a restless sleep so early in the morning to shower and go to class wasn’t your particular cup of tea, but regardless of how tired you felt, you powered on and got ready. Needing something to keep you awake for your morning lessons, you groaned aloud when you realised your tea tin was empty. Your mental notes — buy tea, immediately, you don’t want to repeat the disastrous events of May 6th, 2018 — weren’t working either, it seemed. Your little tin mocked you endlessly, staring back at you from your reflection in its shining bottom. Sigh. Lifting your head, you shifted your eyes to the top shelf of the kitchen cabinet, where that forgotten packet of instant coffee had been forgotten for nearly as long as you’d lived in that flat. No, you wouldn’t budge. Not even how tired you were would force you to drink that dark and bitter beverage, not for all the money in the world.

Flash forward to twenty minutes later, and you find yourself in the public bus, with your thermo in hand, filled to the brim with coffee that you obviously hadn’t touched. The universe literally wasn’t in your favour today. Forcing your to drink coffee, the nerve. But it wasn’t so much the coffee, as you looking at your phone to see a text from your mom, asking you to cover for her at lunchtime so she could go to her doctor’s appointment. You were tempted to tell her the truth; that your lessons would finish at half-past two PM, and you were scheduled to meet with Seokjin and Namjoon at three to write the hook of the song you were working on, and two hours later, you had to be back at campus to discuss some aspects of your thesis with your tutor, or else you risked to lag behind and not finish in time. All of this without saying that you obviously needed to finish the cover for Moon that you had promised Jin you would do, and upload another one to your channel taking into account you hadn’t done so in a week.

Looking out of the window at the moving cars and the busy people, you wondered what your mom would say if you said no. Probably that she understood and that your dad would manage on his own. Not likely. So you wrote back and told her you would be there at two, providing that you left your last lesson a bit before it was over. Then you texted both Namjoon and Seokjin to see if it would be possible to pass the meeting to the late evening after your meeting with your professor, hopefully giving you time to at least upload your cover. Or maybe you would just take your laptop and upload said cover in the restaurant and that would give you time to work in Moon for a while after you got home.

You arrived on campus and, after getting the green light from both idols, you set about finishing your day as fast as you could. The clock, however wasn’t agreeing with you. The minutes dragged on, and contrary to your normal behaviour, you found yourself nodding off and not focusing in what your professors were saying at all. Your mind kept going back and forth, going over all the things you had to do, fighting sleep because, let’s face it, you hadn’t touched that damned brew and were in the middle of a mental rant, berating yourself for such a petty and stupid behaviour. Caffeine was caffeine, whatever form it came, and right about now you needed it as you needed oxygen. One of those times you nodded off was a bit longer and deeper than the previous times; you were aware that you were in the middle of a lesson, but your clouded mind travelled far, far away, to a reality your mind recognised but you didn’t.

You were in some park, in front of a large, bright lake. The vision of the water kept glitching in front of your eyes and you tried to blink it away, to no avail. There were many voices surrounding you, joining together to create a cacophony you couldn’t decipher. Light was brightly blinding you and you were just in some sort of limbo, being there and not there at the same time. The shadows of the people whose voices you were hearing kept coming in and out of your vision, like some rewinding VHS movie, confusing you beyond measure but still giving you a sense of nostalgia you couldn’t place. What a strange dream you were having! One of the voices kept coming closer and closer; you could also see their body getting close to yours in their reflection in the lake, and you felt at peace. The deep tones of this person’s sentence were reaching you clearer the closer they got, and you managed to hear some of those words through the calming haze that was your dream. “This was the perfect location, Y/N. The kids are definitely enjoying themselves!” Kids? — you thought, at the same time love filled your every pore.

“Miss Y/N? I would appreciate it if you kept your eyes open during this lecture,” came the voice of the lecturer, and it effectively took you out of your mind. Your cheeks reddening at being caught and being the centre of attention, you nodded your head, keeping your eyes forcibly open for the next hour and a half.

The turn at the restaurant was everything but eventful. The typical kid throwing juice all over the table, insisting that he could feed himself, when his little arms didn’t even reach past the fork. This normally would have made you sigh in frustration, but something made you look at him smiling and wave your hand at his apologising parents, not frustrated at all. Your video was also coming along nicely, a bit slower than you would have liked but by the looks of it, it would be done by the time you had to leave for your appointment at campus.

After swallowing down a bit of apple pie your mom made, you tidied the tables and helped your dad with the last orders before you picked up your things and went running back to university. Thank the universe this wasn’t the same teacher who had caught you that morning sleeping, because that would have been an awkward conversation to have. Your phone vibrated in your pocket half through the discussion with your tutor, but you opted to ignore it. You would have time later to check it and give the appropriate answer. Not wanting to be rude, you focused all your attention in what your professor was saying and noting down all the reference books he was listing for you to make your research a bit more exhaustive. How much more exhaustive can it get, for the love of pizza? — you thought. Apparently, quite. You left his office with your notebook filled with names and dates, and many more books than you could carry, on your way to your appointment at BigHit.

It was only 4 PM and you were feeling like your day would never finish. The buses were packed today, and traffic near Gangnam was a nightmare. You had plenty of time before you had to be up in Rkyve studio to do some songwriting, but still, you worried. Out of the three of you, eight if you extended it to the rest of BTS, you were the less busy one; their schedules were a nightmare to work with — Seokjin’s words, not yours — and most of the time they just squeezed you in between practise and some photoshoot or another. So it was completely understandable for you to worry that you were making it even more difficult for them.

Once you walked all the way to the BigHit building, you were just dragging your feet, tired beyond measure and wanting desperately a place to sit down. You entered the building and entered the code Manager Sejin had given you for when you needed to enter BigHit without one of the members or a manager at least. You waited patiently for the elevator to arrive all the way to the first floor and got it, expecting it to be packed and finding it empty. At least something today was going your way, you had the whole ride to yourself. You smirked and thought how ironic it was; if you didn’t count your dad and your professor, you could count on the fingers of one hand how many more people had interacted with you today.

A sudden sickening feeling got ahold of you, and you stumbled forward, holding onto the railing to keep yourself upright. Your vision blurred again, and you tiredly thought how this was the second time in a day where you lost control of your own body.

You were inside the same elevator, or a very similar one and a happy feeling enveloped you, while you looked down. At your feet, holding your leg, was a little child, jumping up and down, making you somewhat unstable on your feet.

“Calm down, love,” your voice said, but you didn’t remember opening your mouth, “you’ll work yourself into a frenzy and will be tired tonight!”

“Faster! Faster!” Shouted the child, “I wanna see daddy, come on elevator!”

Taking a deep breath you realised the doors of the elevator were opening onto the floor where the reception desk was situated. Shaking your head, you tried to calm your heart, erratic after such a daydream, and moved forward, filing that information for a later inspection.

Approaching the desk, you nodded towards the man and the woman you had come to familiarise yourself over the weeks. And just when you were about to turn the corner into the studios, they called you over.

“Miss Y/N, did you not receive the texts Mr. Namjoon sent you?” Asked the woman.

Frowning, you buried your hand in your bag and fished out your phone, which you hadn’t checked since earlier on in the day. And there it was the text they were referring to.

So this was how your day had been. After apologising to the receptionists, you had descended again and called a taxi to take you home. You had finished the cover and sent it to Jin, closed all the blinds and laid in your bed, hoping sleep to claim you even though it was still early. Hoping for calmer, and less weird days to come for you, you closed your eyes and finally relaxed.

A/N: Surprise surprise!! With all the schoolwork I've been buried under, it's a miracle I was able to post this today!! but here you have it!! What do you guys think? Let's chat♥️♥️♥️

Send me an ask if you want to be added to the tag list 🥺

@zxlla @mabel-k3 @twiwwo @crystxljinie @atulipandarose @rjsmochii @expensive-grl @itsjynop @agustdez @salty-for-suga @io-is-lame @hot-tae-with-suga @minluvly

💜🌙

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kintsugi-sheep · 4 years ago

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Orchard, 21.03.21: Vitamin Z

Vitamin Z

This week I was reminded of why I started this course of changes. I don’t know how appropriate it is to refer to someone as your muse today, but I knew regardless. It’s like an adrenaline shot to the heart, one of those cinematic, dramatic ones that snaps you out of the in-and-out, humdrum, mundane world around you and pulls you, heart-first, back into why you started what you were doing.

I probably won’t meet her again. I’m sure that ship is at a nicer dock perched on a virtuous coastline and carved out of six-pack abs. But, I’m grateful.

It’s easy to find the flaws in someone who rejected you. In her case, I couldn’t find any. She was just right to turn me down.

I missed her. I miss her. But there’s wonderful women everywhere. And I’ll take to heart the changes I need to make so that I don’t miss the next her that crosses my path.

Budget

In the spirit of that, I sat down to figure out my budget for the next year. And it’s looking surprisingly optimistic.

My goal is to move up to Syracuse. With my financials figured out, I just need to not lose my job and I should be able to make it my next June.

Needless to say, I was happy to learn that.

Facebook Writers

What I wasn’t so happy about is the series of Facebook groups I’ve joined. As you can tell, writing personal things isn’t really my strong suit. Certainly not in situations like this, where I’m making myself do it. But, considering that I am one writer out of hundreds of millions in the world, I imagined it be nice to acquaint myself with some people. Marketing for writers isn’t easy, after all. Especially when you’re not named.

But the communities are all pretty…vitriolic.

A man asked which of two covers worked better for his book. Being a group of writers, he received dozens of detailed responses. Answers wherein the speaker was more interested in showing off their understanding of literary and publishing nuances than actually answering the questions.

My response: “Number 1.”

A woman made a detailed list of the stereotypes applied when male writers write sexually active males against how they write sexually active females. Of course, the problem was these were stereotypes in writing. “Men who sleep around are great! But women who sleep around are sluts!” “Men who aren’t interested in sex are focused, driven by success in life! Women who aren’t interested in sex are lesbians!”

She applied this long list of writing faux pas on the shoulders of male writers. And this led to more arguing.

People post clips of their book as they’re writing it. A commenter tells them to use more commas and write shorter sentences. A poster volunteers themselves to give out their opinion, making sure to note that they’ve run a blog for the last ten years, so you know their word has value.

A Facebook certified “Conversation Starter” describes The Face by Dean Koontz as “tiresome, tedious, ostentatious” with “florid prose and so many extended metaphors”. This followed by a flood of comments about how much Dean Koontz sucks and questions of how he got so popular.

I’ve never read Dean Koontz, but I’ve heard of him. I don’t recognize any of these people by face or name.

Crabs in a barrel. There’s no success too small for these people to put down. There’s no templar too noble for them to not shit on. There’s a million complex, pretentious, “it depends”, pseudointellectual answers to simple questions like, “Does the blue cover or black cover look better?”

I’m happy I didn’t go to college to write. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to some out this exhausting.

It feels like people don’t understand that there’s success to be had for everybody when it comes to writing. There’s not always fame and critical success. Or an interview tour or a movie deal. Or a place in a high school text book or pop mythology. Or billions of dollars in the bank and vacations to hunt sharks with a shotgun.

But success is available to everyone. Appearance may vary.

I don’t know if I’ll stay in these groups. Or if a non-collegiate writer like me would be expunged. But I take peace in the knowledge that if I ever want to know what type of writer I don’t want to be I can just open up Facebook, click on the group, scroll half a page down, and find some example of how not to pursue this career.

In the Name of Love for Shaman King

I should also make it clear that I’m going to forego the Shaman King breakdown I intended to write. I have enough distractions from what it is I need to do.

I’m disappointed twice over. First, I don’t have the ability to pick up a new discipline and edit a video together. Maybe if I were more patient or observant, but I’m just not there yet. Secondly, I let the new viewers, the ones who get legitimately excited to experience something I used to love, who craft theories and breakdown themes, get to me.

My love of Shaman King inspired me as an artist and a writer. And while I put down my colored pencils nearly a decade ago now, I still write. And I still carry those themes of spirituality and optimism into the stories I craft.

And that’s the best way for me to present my love. Through my actual work. Through what actually inspires me. Through patience. And not a six-hour list of things I love about the series.

And that wasn’t a jab at legitimate reviewers. That was the plan.

Mom

Also, I was given a mattress by my mom this week.

Family’s a weird point for me. I don’t know if I’m ready to get into that, but I feel that I need to do a better job as someone who owes his existence to other people. I forgot who it was, but someone once said that there are two types of parents. You can be a role model or you can be a cautionary tale.

Coworkers

I’m in a good place with my coworkers, too.

The front-of-house is mostly college-aged—closer to my age than most of back-of-house—and their optimistic look on life keeps me grounded in positivity as well.

I didn’t work in too many kitchens after culinary school, but they could definitely get rough. It’s nice to be able to enjoy your work.

Commitment to Making Flash Fiction as Flash Fiction

I needed to reassure myself in my commitment to writing flash fiction.

I made an assurance to edit one of the stories when I posted it to Reddit a few days ago. It didn’t take me long to realize I shouldn’t have done that. Flash fiction is the nice decompressing poop that you take in the morning before you begin the stuff you legitimately work on. And if it’s nice enough you may even be compelled to mold that poop into a decent short.

I got myself caught up. I was afraid that, having posted many of these low-quality poops online, people would begin to judge me as nothing more than a poop writer. And when it came time to actually try to get people to read my web serial, they’d be like, “I don’t care if it’s free. You’re a poop writer. I can’t waste my time with you.”

Yahtzee Croshaw does a series called “Dev Diary” on YouTube, where he breaks down the process of making indie video games. In one of them he talked about how perfectionism sinks in. How it’s tempting to keep your work to yourself, to keep it from being judged so that others may not, by extension, judge you. He said he had to remember that he was not his work.

And I suppose I have to do the same. I’m not a hobbyist with a single story that I’m convinced will put my name on the map. I’m a writer with dozens of different ideas and could get excited about a dozen new ones in the next week.

Boxing matches are won by throwing many small punches, not throwing one with all of your bodyweight and hoping it’s a hit.

A Non-Racist Uber Driver

I had a race-related discussion with an Uber driver.

It was nice.

Pre-College Memories

I reflected on my lackadaisical approach when it came to applying for college. I was short tempered and impatient and ignorant.

It’s thanks to Vitamin Z that I realized I don’t have to actually go back to school to do what I need to do.

But the effort I need to put forward will be monumental nonetheless.

I told you I’d come back more positive.

#blog #love #Shaman King #writing #flashfiction

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huesofblue · 4 years ago

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Speech Analysis on Nelson Mandela, Emma Watson and Darren Tay

Because speeches have different purposes and are done in a multitude of ways, it is important for us to analyze some of them in order to grasp their message better and to understand the side they are coming from. So today, in this blog post, we will be analyzing three different speeches from three different people, all done in different contexts - Nelson Mandela, Emma Watson and Darren Tay Wen Jie.

(photo source: Harvard Gazette)

This is certainly one of the most iconic speeches in history, being given by the man who is dubbed as an icon of activism and the champion of human rights since the 40s. And this speech’s purpose, irregardless of it being a thank-you and acknowledgement speech for an award from Harvard, is that of exploratory/informative. In this speech, Mandela had spoken of facts that did not need to be fact-checked because they could be seen, observed and experienced by the audience themselves in the society. He made sure to mention the numerous inequalities and disparities that countries (including his own, South Africa) outside of the West continue to experience, especially the inequality of civil rights between races, and these disparities affect not only the society but also politics and the economy. Through this speech, Mandela informed the audience about numerous specific global issues that stemmed from civil rights, and he emphasized on the idea that the world will only be a better, changed place if everyone fights in unity with others and delivers a strong conclusion as a result from the solutions being executed. As this speech left a lasting impact that could be seen even in the efforts of activists fighting in present time, I believe that the purpose of the speech was achieved because from what I’ve learned from past history lessons, this speech became a figure in the fight for civil rights because it contained and addressed the issues that the society needed to solve, and it continues to be used today as a tool in education to teach about the racial issues that were experienced in the past and also now in the present.

Aside from being an exploratory/informative speech, it is also a reading or speaking from a manuscript type of speech according to manner of delivery. This deduction was pretty easy to infer because it can already be seen just from watching the video – Mandela set his eyes mostly on the paper he was holding in the podium and only raised his gaze up to the audience a handful of times throughout the entire speech. This isn’t a bad thing at all, might I state, because it is an important speech that was delivered to an audience filled with academics and honorable people, and mistakes in speaking should come little and sparse, if any at all. However, I believe that reading from the manuscript influenced Mandela’s manner of delivery, in that he spoke in a sort of monotonous tone that didn’t really convey much emotion to the audience. And even though he normally pauses in between phrases, the pauses in this speech were pretty longer and more apparent than usual, which I think could lead to people (especially in the present) losing focus on the important aspects of the speech because attention spans now aren’t really as lengthy as before.

To make it short, this speech by Nelson Mandela is an exploratory or informative speech that was done by reading or speaking from a manuscript.

(photo source: Washington Post)

Emma Watson’s speech about feminism and gender equality at a special event for UN Women’s HeForShe campaign remains as one of the most informative and impactful speeches I’ve heard in my life and one of the only few that has stuck to my mind since then. But in determining its type of speech according to purpose, I was quite confused because I’m not sure if it’s exploratory/informative, or it is persuasive. So, to solve this, I’ll be classifying it as both – this speech by Watson is an exploratory/informative and persuasive speech. I say it is exploratory because the speech itself aims to inform the members of society about the fight for gender equality and to correct the misconception about the word ‘feminism.’ Watson stated facts, her own observations and personal experiences that others could relate to and have went through to better explain and support her topics of gender equality and feminism. I say it is also persuasive because it is a speech that aims to advance the victory in the fight for gender equality by encouraging others to fight for it as well – this speech has become the turning point for many who have realized that, after hearing this speech, they too would like to fight for equality and achieve that equal and united harmony among the sexes. Its method of persuasion, though not too aggressive, was and is still effective to this day, as seen by how many who have started to join the cause after watching and hearing the speech. And because of this speech that many have learned and corrected their judgment towards feminism and gender equality, and many have started to advocate for the movement, I can say that the purpose of this speech was achieved well and efficiently.

This speech is also a memorized speech because as seen in the video, Watson is not holding on to any sort of paper or cheat sheet in her hands, nor did the video imply that Watson had spoken on the spot or was given only a short period of time (seconds or minutes, to be exact) to craft the speech. Moreover, the manner of delivery of the speech was quite admirable and well done, in the sense that Watson was able to speak a memorized speech with various emotions and little to no grammar mistakes, aside from the barely noticeable tremors in her voice due to apparent nervousness. More often than not, performing a memorized speech doesn’t really leave much room for showing emotions because the speaker has to be focused on saying the lines they memorized in the correct order, and maybe or maybe not being an actress has its influences on public speaking, but Watson did a great job of clearly and comprehensively conveying the speech she prepared about gender equality and feminism.

To conclude this segment, Emma Watson’s speech about gender equality and feminism is a memorized, informative and persuasive speech.

(photo source: Business Insider)

This is a speech that I’ve only come to know of its existence because of the analysis activity I’m doing right now. And right off the bat, I can say it is a persuasive speech, a special type specifically, because it is a speech from a Toastmasters Competition. The reason why is because motivational speeches, which is the type of speeches that Toastmasters frequent and is the type that this speech is, are persuasive speeches in the sense that there is an attempt of persuasion wherein the speaker tries to convince the listener/s to believe themselves and to focus on uplifting and improving their well-beings. This is exactly what was done in Darren Tay’s speech in the 2016 Toastmasters Competition, or basically, the very speech that I am analyzing right now. Using his personal experience about bullies from his childhood and weaving in a message about fighting one’s inner demons, he attempts to convince the in-person and online audience to not give in to the degrading demands of humanity’s biggest and strongest bully – themselves. I believe the purpose of the speech, which is what was previously mentioned, was achieved because from the feedbacks and comments I’ve read about the speech, it has helped the listeners stay away from the negative thoughts that linger in their minds – even though it didn’t really make a big impact or change a lot of things in the way they saw and thought about themselves, Tay’s speech still helped them in some way, and that is a purpose achieved in itself.

Aside from being a persuasive speech, it is also an extemporaneous speech, as obviously seen from the absence of a cheat sheet and from the nature of the situation (it is a Toastmasters Competition, in which competitors are taught to not memorize their entire speeches but to create an outline to remember it by instead.) Even though most of the content of the speech were thought of right on the spot basing on Tay’s apparent preconceived outline, he expressed a variety of emotions throughout his speech that rung well with the words he was saying, and he made sure to maintain eye contact with the audience. He did not break character (like, laughing when he put on the underwear outside of his suit,) his voice did not waver, he did not make any noticeable mistakes as he spoke, and his diction and tone were clear and understandable; therefore, Tay’s manner of delivery of the speech was well done.

Like what was done in the previous segments, I conclude that Darren Tay’s speech in the 2016 Toastmasters competition is an extemporaneous persuasive speech.

What this analysis proves is that a lot of the formal speeches we see and hear about, and even the informal speeches as well, are classified into different types according to different specifications. These classifications often help us in crafting our speeches better because when the type of speech we are tasked or want to do is determined, we will be able to efficiently construct appropriate wordings, sentences and content, and include related information about our topic that falls in line with the type of speech we are making, thus allowing us to convey an effective and comprehensible speech.

That is all for this blog post! Thank you for reading, and have a good day!

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en-wongarden · 4 years ago

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so it’s 3 AM for me rn and i have class at 8 am, but i really wanted to rant about this on here.

i’ve seriously been into kpop for 8 years at this point. i got into it before exo debuted, and i’ve seen so many groups blow up and disband. i’ve come back to kpop again and again despite getting into new genres. i’ve been a part of and subsequently left a lot of fandoms, and while i will always support the groups, there’s always been a point when i found a new bias or felt that the fandom life was getting too crazy for me.

lately i wonder if i’m reaching that point with nctzens, where even though i’ll continue to love and support nct, the fandom is getting even more ridiculous and toxic. i love nct, but i don’t hold them up on some morally unreachable pedestal. they became idols through their hard work and talent. they are normal human beings who will fall in love and make mistakes.

maybe because it’s the first time in ages i’ve jumped so headfirst into a fandom, but i’m really tired of (in my opinion), the hasty decisions and judgements in this fandom and among many kpop fans that make me want to not open twitter or tumblr ever again.

i’m not afraid to call out mistakes if i see them. i don’t agree with sm’s continued cultural appropriation with the use of dreadlocks in their music videos and promotions to create some superficial “vibe.” i think sm should give a response or at minimum alter the dance moves (if in fact that is the choreography) for the super m song that could be possibly cultural appropriation of indian/desi dance and culture.

things i don’t think are okay? fans canceling or dropping jaemin for a netflix screenshot that has been shown to be fake, and even if it wasn’t being on someone’s netflix doesn’t necessarily mean anything. dating is not a crime. jaemin’s love for nctzens is so genuine and honest. please don’t corrupt that by claiming he does it to get more “girlfriend fans,” it’s simply part of his crazy personality that we love.

the haechan radio situation with nct dream is another place where i think judgements were made too quickly. as international fans, who DO NOT KNOW KOREAN, i don’t think it was right to “cancel” the other dream members for something that was (in my opinion) clearly a mistake. jaemin pronounced a word wrong, which has been shown to be very close in the korean language with what he actually corrected it to when he finished his sentence. it was a mistake that dream and haechan himself laughed off because jaemin clearly meant to praise haechan. he was doing his ending ment for haechan’s radio, why would he be trying to purposefully insult haechan??? logically, it makes no sense to me.

lastly, the topic that made me so frustrated when i should be sleeping, the “itaewon idol” situation. to start off, i don’t know if we know the full story. the companies so far have been holding to the statement that the idols were at a bar, but i’ve also heard rumors saying they went to a club, even though i’ve seen no actual evidence of this fact. i hope people understand that south korea at the time has relaxed restrictions, and many civilians were going out and about as it was a holiday. of course, certain precautions were still being implemented to ensure sanitation and safety, but if they only went to a bar to catch up with each other, i don’t see what the canceling is all about. yes, perhaps it was not the smartest or most sensitive decision given that they are public figures and have scheduled, but at the time, cases were hovering around zero and the itaewon cases had not come out. they had no reason to think that they, like any other normal person going out to see friends this weekend, was at risk or putting anyone around them at increased risk. there was no second wave at the time, and while i personally believe they could (and perhaps should) have stayed at home, i also can acknowledge that many people were going out due to loosened restrictions. should they and their agencies apologize for perhaps being inconsiderate of their roles as celebrities and their schedules that would bring them into contact with others, yes! but if they got tested after finding out the outbreak occurred and were negative, that’s good! celebrities are human too, and the balance between being a public figure and having snippets of a normal life is hard to find.

(please keep in mind, i am saying this based off them only going to a bar, going to a club is completely different. additionally neither do i agree with the treatment mino received with dispatch’s biased reporting, but the way jaehyun, eunwoo, mingyu, and jungkook are being crucified by the media at the moment is no better.)

as a fan, i support nct because i love their music, hard work, and talent along with believing that each of them is a genuinely good person. i don’t blindly defend them, but i also don’t want to see them needlessly torn down. i hope fans and the public won’t cancel idols based off an article title or two when there’s always so much more to every situation. if the facts back up the claims, you are free to reach your own conclusions, but i hope as fans and as people, we can realize that mistakes can and will be made but also not everything in the media is true.

#cc overshares #cc is an idiot #nct

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quarantingz · 5 years ago

Photo

letting my guard down (part 2/2)

Let me tell you a story of how I know God is real and that He indeed works in weird, mysterious, unexpected yet timely ways. Immediately after writing the first part of my epiphany or I’d even call it a predicament, I received a call from my mum while I was on the toilet (TMI but it had to be said!). I was already finishing up (sorry!) so I washed my hands (thoroughly, after putting my phone down) and hit answer. I said my usual cheerful hellos which I was expecting her to return. Instead, I saw mum in all her glory, except she wasn’t feeling glorious, with sadness evident in her eyes. I quickly realised that things weren’t good.

She looked at me as if to say, “So you must’ve read our message about the flight…” so I asked about it. Mum closed her eyes (a mannerism she has shown in almost all of our video calls), she does this whenever she talks about something pressing or whenever God puts a word in her heart that she shares with us with zealousness. I let her speak for a good 5 minutes. I just listened. She opened up about her feelings towards this turbulent situation we’re having and how badly her and dad want to come home, to the point where they were crying out to God last night asking why this is happening. Knowing my mum and how strong her relationship with God is, she’d hardly question anything. Especially God. But I could tell how much stress she was under yet still remain graceful and calm amidst this chaos. From the moment she opened her lips and scrunched her eyebrows together, I was prepared to simply listen. And it’s when we truly listen that we’re able to empathise with someone.

Mum dropped all of the weight she was bearing overnight on me. I’m glad I could offer a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on however this wasn’t enough. I wish I could be in her presence and hug her. She also told me about how Dad handled the news that their flight was yet again cancelled. They were supposed to come back on my mum’s birthday — the 21st of March. Then it became the 2nd of April, then the 15th and now there’s a high chance that they’re going to have to stay in the Philippines until June. Two months away from now. It was all a lot. And apparently Dad, who usually never raises his voice or shows signs of anger, was yelling at the Philippine Airlines call agent over the phone. “Imagine if you were in our shoes, unable to go home to our daughters, what would you do? How would you feel?” says Mum as she recalls Dad’s words which he said to the lady or guy on the other end of the line in English. We made a lighthearted joke about how this was more a result of him wanting to sound like a foreigner and therefore important, but maybe my Dad just tends to put his mother tongue aside when he’s all fired up and that we’ve just learned something new about him. Like I said the man is almost never irritated. From Mum’s retelling of his conversation with the poor employee who was just doing their job, it sounded like he was seething.

I listened to her talk for another 20 minutes or so, picking up on every detail and the shift in the tone of her voice with each recollection of relevant events. She told me about how our long-term family friend thoroughly enjoys her and Dad’s company, and how this quarantine period has actually been a blessing for them all. Our family friend’s marriage, we’ll give her a pseudonym too — Beatrice, has apparently been on the rocks for quite some time now. Their home hasn’t been a place where love is nurtured but rather one where members of the family tend to quarrel. Lots. Upon hearing this I felt empathy towards Beatrice and her family, too. These are people who were very prominent in my early childhood years and although I haven’t seen them in 6 years I know that as soon as I visit them we’ll just pick up where we left off. Mum carried on with her testimony, highlighting the changes, good ones, that have occurred in the life and relationships of the [insert alias here] family since reuniting with my parents. The quarrelling apparently stopped and one of their kids who’s one of my childhood friends has been cooking them delicious meals since iso. Hearing this made me smile. I wasn’t surprised to hear that my parents have become such blessings to their family as they have always been one, Mum especially, to touch people’s hearts with God’s word. I look up to them both a lot although I know I’ll never be half as good as they are.

Then, not long after her story about the Rodriguez family, I felt this urge to write my thoughts down. It would be a reflection of an event happening in real time. Weird concept but had I went on for any longer without doing so I was scared that the thoughts would leave me entirely. Almost like an itch that won’t go away until I decide to get a pen and paper and let my subconscious take over which I’ve been doing a lot these days. I wrote down the following on the first piece of paper I could find within an arm’s reach, although I was willing to write on the back of this unopened pack of pens I found in the drawer situated in the middle of our lounge. Knowing this would be crazy and I’d run out of space after four sentences, I chose to write on this printed invoice from AA for Cathy’s car service breakdown back in 2016 instead. I jotted down the following words in bulletpoints, which were all I could muster without losing my train of thought:

Storytelling

Empathy

Listening (closely)

“God is not in us but rather in this space between you and me.” A quote from Before Sunrise which just randomly popped into my head but was also relevant to the situation. I don’t fully agree with the first part but I thought it was interesting.

As Mum went on with her gripping storytelling, I proceeded to writing, in full sentences this time, capturing exactly what I wrote on paper I think would be appropriate so I’ll do just that:

(Imagine there was an arrow pointing to the beginning of this paragraph from the bulletpoint ‘Listening (closely) and that’s precisely how I scrawled it all down)

First time in ages that I was able to live and be in the present, listening to my mum’s voice, her stories told as vividly as I aim to write in my blog entries… going into details like the colour of the table Tito (Tagalog word for ‘uncle’) [insert alias here] brought into his wife’s room to put down some mugs, a jug of boiling water and snacks. They were all so eager to talk to someone from Outside. Capitalising the O for emphasis. I was listening to this and seeing it all as if it were happening right in front of me. My mum is a great storyteller. So is my dad. I miss them. But right now I’m happy. (With another arrow drawn pointing to this sentence because I ran out of space after the previous one) I pray that God brings peace to their hearts in spite of these turbulent times.

What happened after this was beyond my imagination and what I’d expected. Mum asked how I’ve been coping with everything lately or my response to all the things she’d just said. Normally this question would’ve caused me to curl up into a ball and feel seen but wanting to be unseen. Embarrassed to even open my mouth and speak up about my feelings. Gross! But instead, what followed were words spoken with confidence I’ve never channeled before when talking to my parents about what’s really going on with me. My first words were, “Funny you ask…” before scanning my eyes down the page I had just clumsily scribbled half-baked musings on, and enunciating what I wrote to them exactly how it is on paper, knowing both my sisters were in the room and listening. Before I even got to the Before Sunrise quote, my voice was already breaking and I had to pause a few times. And then the tears just streamed down my face. Uncontrollably. In that moment I realised I was naked. Vulnerable. No longer able to hide. It felt liberating so I continued. But I reached a point where I came to a full stop and just covered my face and cried. Really cried. No one said anything for a while so I continued again. After I finished, Mum spoke more words of wisdom and I was back to listening and writing down insights I’ve pulled from what she’s saying and related them back to what I’ve gathered from my brief devotion prior to our video call (it was the first time in ages that I picked up a book that actually talks about God and not just a self-help book).

Throughout the rest of our conversation, I rotated the piece of paper so it was sitting horizontal on the table and wrote the following in boxes at the top and bottom (but actually the left and right side of the page originally):

“Take nothing for granted.”

All of these were in the same box, I’ll talk about them in more detail tomorrow when we catchup Alyssa x:

“Leaving the camp -> aka the familiar (in Moses’ terms)”

“Pitching the tent of Meeting”

“Offering yourself as a living sacrifice”

“Sabbath -> Shaun (oops, I mean Gabe): “What’s the Saturday plan?”

“God’s Timing”

And then an arrow pointing from this box to a new line:

“Song: Kahit Maputi Na Ang Buhok Ko” (in English this means ‘even when my hair turns grey’ which is a song about hoping your relationship with someone wouldn’t change throughout the years and that you’ll grow old together. Is that us, pal? 🥺 Okay I’m crying now).

Lastly on this page I wrote:

“I can’t seem to open up about the deepest parts of me, my thoughts and feelings without crying like a baby.”

Flipping over the page I wrote more messy musings (hey look an alliteration!) I even numbered the paragraphs since I wrote them around the imprints of the car service invoice therefore they were initially out of order.

Okay, remember in the first part of this “epiphany” now turned blah I said I’d explain why I find it easier to write in my journal first before going on my laptop? Well I think it’s because in Notes or Pages, the cursor or Google said it’s called an insertion point, blinks as if to say, “What’s next?” Or “What else?” This takes me back to the late nights back in the uni days where I’d stare at my half-filled page on Word dumbfounded, suffering from the worst case of writer’s block. I get this when I’d try and write or add to my blog entries here on Tumblr too. Whereas writing on pen and paper to me are more forgiving and allows my subconscious to reign more.

Have you seen Greta Gerwig’s Little Women yet? I’m going to end this (and boy does this need to end, I’m sorry for what I’m about to get you to sit through) with a few references to that movie so I hope you have! This thing we started which allowed me to write again made me feel a lot like Saoirse as Jo in this scene where she too gets back into writing. She’s sitting on the floor of her room, hunched over tens and hundreds of pieces of paper riddled with her neat penmanship in ink, fervently writing her next novel. The scene was depicted as a montage, of Jo switching between her left and right hand, the sides of which are stained with black ink and she’s shaking her dominant hand to relieve the pain caused by hours of unbridled writing. This is how I felt like today. Alive. Fiery. Like the Aries I am.

To close, I want to say that it’s always been easier for me to put things in writing instead of vocalising them. This is more of my sister’s forte. This again reminds me of a scene in Little Women where Jo makes her speech about women having different dreams and ambitions but not one of them is more important than the other. We’re all very unique yet similar in that we are women with voices and gifts which we can choose to use in the way we like.

It feels like I’ve been on a rollercoaster this year so far, reaching highs but also plummeting down to my lowest of lows periodically. But I know I’m not alone. So if you’re feeling the same way, reader, I urge you to open up to the person you feel most comfortable with and although easier said than done, let your guard down. Be vulnerable as I believe it is in these times where we show someone else our cracks that light can shine through them and into the person we choose to strip in front of.

- p, with love

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myaekingheart · 5 years ago

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1, 2, and 12!!

Bless you, Jessie 🙌💕

Alright so since I reblogged like 20 ask memes, I’m just gonna go ahead and take the liberty of doing all of these numbers for every single one I’ve reblogged that’s applicable to give myself extra stuff to do xD

Fanfiction Asks!

1. Do you read fic? Do you write fic?

I actually write fic WAY MORE than I read fic. I find that the issue I have when reading fic is that I get really giddy and inspired and then I lose my concentration on the story in front of me and my interests rather shift more towards the story in my own damn head. I really need to start reading more of other people’s work, though. I have a handful saved on AO3 that I just have not gotten around to, but I really should. I really have so many damn things I want to read, fanfiction and otherwise, but lack the motivation to sit down and actually read it.

2. Favorite genre of fic?

I feel like it’s kind of hard to pinpoint exactly what kind of fic I’m drawn most towards, but I guess the best descriptor would be drama? I don’t know, I just really like stories that focus heavily on character development and interpersonal relationships (so bildungsroman lmfao), especially when there’s some imperfect romance and action/adventure involved. Both of my main fanfics, my Narnia series Temptation and The Scarecrow and the Bell, my Naruto fic, both are pretty much just that: heavy focus on character with imperfect romance and action/adventure. I just think it’s fun seeing characters, especially ones that have feelings for each other, in stressful and dangerous situations trying to work through them together and oftentimes disagree and have to figure out how to handle the disagreements, too. Or have personal stuff they’re dealing with on top of things. I don’t know, I just really love focusing on relationship dynamics and situations like that are a fun lens to look through.

12. What turns you away the most from a fic?

Honestly, grammatical issues and whether or not the story feels believable. I guess I’m kind of picky when it comes to that stuff, but I’m also used to being critical of writing solely because I’m a creative writing major and a big part of this degree’s curriculum is workshopping peer writing. Grammatical issues in terms of a misplaced comma or something aren’t that big a deal, I’m not that stingy, but things like lacking paragraph breaks, or not knowing when to switch paragraphs, bug me as well as habitual misspellings of common words--the one that peeves me off the most is spelling “definitely” like “defiantly” or “definately” or any other misspelling under the sun. The idea of a story feeling believable might just be me being really picky but I’ve opened up fics sometimes where I could hardly get through the first paragraph because the story didn’t feel genuine to me. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I guess as someone who puts a ton of research into my own fanfics and also really tries to perfectly capture the tone of the source material, sometimes I’ll read stuff that just feels out of place and it really takes me out of the story and honestly makes me cringe. I feel like saying all of that makes me sound like some kind of asshole, though. I don’t know, I’m just so goddamn picky when it comes to what I’m reading and especially with fanfiction, since it’s a lot more organic and it doesn’t go through the same fine toothed editing process that professionally published works do (although I’ve picked up on some questionable stuff even in print books; one such thing was so minor, but it was a forgotten period at the end of a sentence and I kept laughing about it saying to myself “Someone missed a period!” You know, like an asshole.)

Music Asks

1. your favorite album opener

Beartooth’s Greatness or Death off their most recent album, Disease. It just really sets the tone for the rest of the album and feels like such an appropriate intro overall. They have a playlist for the entire album on Youtube with the correct track listing so that was the first song off thei newest album that I had heard and it just felt like such a great and appropriate intro, it really got me into the vibe and energy of the rest of the album and I just...I love it a lot. The song, the album, the band in general.

2. a song starting w/ the same first letter of your first name

Aurora Avenue by Defeat the Low. I’m a huge Nirvana fan, and the song is all about Kurt Cobain. The entire first verse was literally pulled straight from his infamous suicide note (”Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complainee.”) I stumbled upon this song by pure chance-- it was playing at the end of a video for a different song, which I think was actually a Beartooth one-- and it sounded interesting so I pulled it up and the minute I heard the first verse, I, who had read Kurt’s suicide note already, was like “WAIT A SECOND THIS SOUNDS REALLY FAMILIAR” but it didn’t hit me that that was what it was, and that the entire song was about Kurt, until later and it made me love it even more.

12. a song you can scream all the words to

Hospital for Souls by Bring Me The Horizon. It’s an all-time fave, made even more so by the fact that it’s one of my top ship songs (for my Naruto ship, Kakashi Hatake x my OC Rei Natsuki, who I write the fanfic about, and even made an AMV for them with because I’M CRAZY). It also just hits really hard personally, especially the line “Have you ever put a blade to your wrists, or have you been skipping meals?” because it relates to my own mental health struggles. I’ve never had the right opportunity to actually scream all the words aloud along with the song, but I desperately need to find the right place to do it one of these days because I have a lot of feelings I need to get out that can only be done through that exact act and I need to do it in a way where I will not end up getting the cops called on me for being way too loud. I just need a soundproof room in general (not just for these purposes, but also because I’m a voice actress for an independent animated series called Space Hotel and I need someplace to record shit anyways.)

Soft and Ethereal Asks

1.secret garden or forest?

Secret garden! I love the idea of having someplace only I know guarded off by a wall with vines running up the side of it, the kind of place you enter through a wrought-iron gate, where flowers are growing through the cracks and there’s a bubbling fountain in the center you can sit by either on the edge or in the grass or on a dirty old cement bench from times before I was even a thought in my parent’s head, and just revel in the silence with a good book or a pencil and sketchbook and make flower crowns and daisy chains or have a little personal picnic laying out a checkered blanket and carrying everything in a big basket like strawberries and little sandwiches and homemade cookies and shit. I’m such a sap but I live for the idea of that gentle, pastel-tinted quiet afternoon. Pure solace.

2.the stars or the moon?

The moon. I love stars to death, too, but there’s something about the moon that really hits me. Maybe it’s because it goes through phases but no matter what is still whole even when it appears not to be. Maybe it’s because it’s kind of comforting to look at. More than anything, though, it’s probably at least partially because one of my favorite films is Rise of the Guardians (and by extension, the book series it was based upon, The Guardians of Childhood) in which the moon is a major character, or at least The Man in the Moon. In the movie, he’s never seen or heard but he’s always there watching over the world. Jack Frost, the protagonist, doesn’t understand his purpose in this eternal life of his where no one can see him and no one believes in him, and constantly looks to the moon for answers but never hears any. The very first lines of the movie are even “Darkness. That’s the first thing I remember. It was dark and it was cold and I was scared. But then...then I saw the moon. It was so big and so bright. It seemed to chase the darkness away.” Not to get super religious here but in a way the whole moon thing even reminds me of Christianity a little bit, and I’m not really religious in the slightest (maybe spiritual, but not very religious) but this movie also came to me at a time when I was very at odds with the idea of God and faith and everything, and I felt like Jack Frost constantly questioning what the point of it all was and questioning whether something greater even existed and if so, then how could they let terrible things like this happen? Without any solid answer? I don’t know, I don’t want this to get into a debate about my own religious beliefs, but yeah. The moon and I have some history, so I’ll choose the moon over the stars.

12.fiction or short stories?

Fiction. By nature of my degree, I have to read a lot of short stories for college and some of them are really enjoyable and interesting but then we get to the debate of genre fiction versus literary fiction, which I think is a stupid fucking debate and literary fiction needs to get off it’s damn high horse with it’s “holier than thou” complex or whatever. Or maybe it’s not the literary fiction itself so much as the people who praise it. Like yes, I get that literary fiction is contemporary fine art and nuanced and shit but sometimes I like stories about vampires and ninjas and teenagers with weird names and social anxiety. Literary fiction is fine and all, but let’s face it, genre fiction is way more fucking fun and that is why I chose “fiction” over “short stories.”

65 Questions You Aren’t Used To

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

If I’m going to be brutally honest, sometimes. Hell, sometimes I even question my own existence but I guess that’s just the depersonalization aspect of anxiety talking.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

With 1 being the lowest and 5 being the highest, I’d say I’m at about a 3? I’m not as afraid of the dark as I used to be, but it’s situational. If I’m alone and it’s dark, then I get panicky because my awareness is impaired and I’m admittedly a very visual person so if I can’t see and I suspect there’s something going bump in the night, I’m going to freak out. Even hearing something, even when logically I know exactly what it is, freaks me out because I can’t know for sure unless I’m looking straight at it but if it’s dark, I can’t do that. I prefer to sleep when it’s like fully dark, though. I even used to wear a sleep mask to help with that and because the feeling of something soft over my eyes was comforting??? I don’t know, like I can sleep perfectly fine with the lights on, too, and sometimes if my anxiety is bad that’s what I’d prefer to make things easier on myself but for the most part, I guess it’s situational. I also feel like this is an appropriate place to say I have a duck nightlight in my bathroom, which doesn’t really have anything to do with being afraid of the dark so much as darkness in general but I also have a thing for rubber ducks so having a rubber duck nightlight is very on brand and I love it.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

Probably my boyfriend. He’s the one whose always here anyways. If not him, then from my mother but I don’t particularly want to think about her right now because I’m kind of upset with her so we’re just going to go ahead and say my boyfriend.

Sensory Asks

[sight]

1. favourite colour(s)?

Red is my top fave, and has been since I was three. I think it was when I got a red VW Beetle for my Barbie dolls that I really fell in love with the color. All the accessories that came with it were red plastic and looking at them just filled with me a lot of energy and joy, which I later realized I felt whenever looking at red in general. It also helps that I can now make the joke whenever I’m asked this question that I love red “like the blood of my enemies,” which is always fun.

2. least favourite colour(s)?

I’m really not a fan of yellow, chartreuse, and tan/beige. I can handle yellow in certain instances like with sunflowers or lemons or sunshine related stuff, but I prefer gold over straight up yellow. I don’t dislike yellow nearly as much as tan/beige, though. That one I can also handle in certain instances but for the most part, it reminds me of a time I got sick as a kid so looking at it for too long brings back that nausea. Chartreuse is the end-all, be-all of the colors I’m not big on, though. It just...reminds me of snot. It feels really unappealing to look at for me, too.

[smell]

12. favourite scent?

Clean laundry, hands down. I love nothing more than the smell of fresh laundry, like sometimes I’ll catch myself literally sitting at my laptop sniffing my shirt because I love the smell so much. It’s just so comforting, and I think that’s because it reminds me of this doll I’ve had literally since birth. I called her Baby Doll and she was just a basic baby doll with a plastic head and cloth body that my grandmother got from Avon and I was so damn attached to it as a kid. I brought Baby Doll everywhere with me, even in my backpack on my first day of preschool. I slept with her for way longer than I’d like to admit, too. But she smelled like fabric softener, and when I was a little kid and was having bad anxiety attacks (which I’ve been dealing with since I was three), I would hug her really close and the smell was just really comforting. So now I have to get it from my own laundry because I still own Baby Doll, but I’m a grown-ass adult and she’s very fragile now (and also currently in storage for safe-keeping). So yeah, clean laundry hands-down.

Fashions Asks

1. What season has your favorite looks?

Fall! I’m such a sucker for big cozy sweaters and jeans. Back to school fashion lowkey excites me, too, and besides: I feel like it’s a lot easier to find appropriate outfits for my personal fashion sense that fit cooler weather than the seventh circle of hell 106-degree-heat-index I’m currently living in. I adore oversized sweaters, leggings, skinny jeans, combat boots, creepers, hoodies, layers, all that good stuff but you can’t do that when you feel like you’re dying of heat stroke even standing in front of the fridge butt naked. Not that I do that, but it’s hot enough here that I could if I wanted to. That’s not an issue in fall, though, which is super fucking nice. I just really love being cozy all the time always.

2. Formal or casual?

Casual! As much as I love the look of formal clothes, I am chronically ill. I am anxious. I am depressed. I want to be comfortable all the damn time, and I just can’t be genuinely comfortable in formal clothes. For example, I attended my cousin’s wedding last spring and wore these really cute Mary Jane heels that I love. They fit my aesthetic and make my legs look great, too, if I say so myself. I was able to get through the ceremony with them on but after the fact, they started getting so damn uncomfortable that I went to the car and changed into my ratty five year old combat boots like a total punk because comfort. At least they still looked good with the dress I was wearing, though, so that’s a plus.

12. What fashions do you hate?

Okay, I feel like a lot of people might get on my case about this but I really can’t stand Birkenstocks. They just...look like what your overbearing uncle would wear with socks to the summer barbecue to me. I don’t know, in certain cases they’re at least fitting for a certain look and I commend the people who can pull them off but as for me? I just can’t wrap my head around them. I dislike them even more than Crocs, which I am also not a fan of. But then again, like...I’m also not big on today’s fashion trends in general. There are some things I do like, like oversized t-shirts with leggings especially if they’re a band t-shirt, and those cute Japanese uniform style pleated skirts (I admittedly own one and I love it). The whole ethereal quirky pastel modern grunge e-girl shit, though, just doesn’t vibe much with me. My fashion sense is more on par with Luanna Perez’s alternative looks and the 2007-2012 era of the emo/scene style, as well as some pastel goth, genuine 90′s grunge, and kawaii/lolita inspired stuff. Like I will gladly tease the hell out of my hair, add in extensions and coontails and a little pink bow, and throw on a pink polka dot dress with fishnets and creepers or something. I don’t know, I just feel really disconnected from what’s considered trendy in today’s fashion sense. Maybe it’s because I tried so hard for so many years to fit what was in style despite it not feeling genuine to who I was personally, that now that I’ve finally mustered enough confidence to leave the house wearing what makes me happy even if it is unorthodox and alternative (like black lipstick!!!), I just can’t get on board with what everyone else is doing. Sure, I feel a little weird dressing like it’s ten years ago when everyone else is walking around wearing like those dinky crop tops that say “I have no tits” or have like applique roses on them or whatever and anything else that’s considered modern on-trend but like...in the wise words of Kurt Cobain, “I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.” I’m tired of trying to fit the status quo and doing what everyone else is doing. If I want coontails and snake bites in 2019, then goddammit I’m gonna go for it (though not gonna lie, the 20NINESCENE craze has me crying because I regret not having “the phase” in middle school that everyone else did so much sometimes that it’s physically painful so to think that there are still people out there rocking the thick side fringe and heavy eyeliner and the RAWR MEANS I LOVE YOU IN DINOSAUR shit makes me feel like maybe I’ve been given a second chance to be true to myself and become a part of a community that means something to me, rather than what I was actually doing in middle school being dragged through the mud trying to redeem myself of some sense of popularity because I was losing my best friend to the alpha female clique mentality and I was so damn unhappy, I legit had a breakdown in her pool about it once so you bet your ass I’m going to say screw it and do everything I wanted to back then now that I actually have the confidence and stopped caring what people thought about me.)

#this got so long i am so fucking sorry xD #answered asks #ask memes #lasaraleen

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dearjacobwren · 6 years ago

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Dearest Dragha,

Thanks a lot for your last letter. I've just re-read it. You know that you are the last one that still sends me real letters? Jaap either stopped, or keeps sending them to the wrong address. Probably he lost count of numerous address changes in my recent nomadic past :)

It's a beautiful thing – seeing that there is a proper letter waiting for me in the mailbox. Usually I postpone the moment of opening the envelope until later in the day, until I feel like it's the right time. What that means is that I carry the unopened letter in my pocket (that I think about all day long), and I masochistically wait to be in an appropriate space and in the right state of mind so I could really dedicate myself to it and read it properly. As if the letter were a gift. Christmas or a birthday present.

Which reminds me

As a kid I was suuuper hyperactive, one of the most impatient kids ever. I'd often get these crazy outbursts of energy - I didn't know what to do with my body, so I'd usually do a crazy energetic dance or hang from the top of the wardrobe whilst singing my favorite pop song (my mother used to call these moments 'žuta minuta'). When I look back at it, it seems quite pathological to the extent at which I wasn't able to harness my excitement :)

On Christmas eve I usually couldn't get to sleep. I’d be shaking and sweating in my bed hoping that Christmas morning would happen IMMEDIATELY, and after a couple exhausting hours, I'd finally enter theizbrisi 'the' pliz dream land, but not for too long. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, get up, run to the living room, stand in front of the Christmas tree and marvel at the presents underneath it. I'd cover myself with a blanket and wait until my mother woke up and start her morning routine. She'd see me, tell me off because I didn't sleep at all, but then she'd allow me to open my present.

Christmas presents were always a downer, because my parents are those who think that they should be of use. Meaning, no toys ('you have enough Lego bricks to play with'), no candies ('bad for your teeth'), no new clothes ('your brother's pants fit you well'). Literally everything that I liked at the moment of growing up (music, books, films etc.) was off the list ('your taste changes rapidly from year to year, we don't plan to satisfy every capricious wish of yours').

Still, that never made my Christmas orgasm less intense – after the manic act of tearing the wrapping paper and excitedly admiring what I'd gotten (usually a pack of socks, a pair of underwear or a pack of empty video cassettes plus a chocolate), I'd pass out on the sofa in the living room cause the exhaustion of not having slept for more than an hour the night before was just too much for my tiny body.

And look how far I've got. I resisted my desire to open your letter immediately, kept it in my pocket for almost the whole day until I found the right moment. I even enjoyed procrastinating this crazy letter ceremony.

I know how to harness my excitement, I'm all grown up now. My mother would be so proud. If she only knew.

* * *

'What's on your big mind right now?', Charlie asks me sometimes. Actually, he poses this question every time he sees me fading away, when he notices I stopped perceiving the outside world. It's happened quite often lately.

He knows that there is something on my mind all the time – even whilst I'm brushing my teeth, peeling the potatoes, cleaning the toilet or having my daily tea ceremony. He also knows that these silent conversations are playing out very loud in my head. Sometimes I argue with people, sometimes I'm analyzing an argument I've just read in the newspaper, and sometimes I'm trying to unpack what's behind apparently benign comments creepy posh guests say all the time in the hotel where I work.

Charlie says that it looks fun my little performance. I make faces, I do small gestures with my hands, I nod and shake my head, I sigh and laugh. Usually this imaginary conversing is happening in complete silence, I don't say a word, but sometimes a part of the sentence unawarely slips out of my mouth. These are his favorite moments.

He can be funny too. Often I see his hands moving, his fingers flying over an imaginary piano, even when his mind is occupied with another activity. 'What's the tune?', I ask him in the same manner he asks me what's on my mind. He looks at me with his big eyes, as if he was caught stealing, then smiles, relaxes and sings out the tune that was stuck in his ear. Together we come across like two weirdos, him with his inaudible excercises, me with my invisible conversations. If our friends only knew.

I'd like to share one of the things that happened not so long ago, that I have been coming back to ever since it unfolded. It was one of those Dragha situations, I immediately thought of you the second it happened, instinctively I knew you'd be excited to hear about it.

You remember that amazing flea market next to our old house, right? Well, on the same square there's a swimming pool. Building from the sixties, public showers are on the ground floor, swimming pool is on the third floor. I go there once a week, usually sometime in the early afternoon, just before lunch. At that time of the day two out of six lanes of this 25meter long pool are reserved for swimming courses for preschoolers and kids not older than 10.

I hate kids in swimming pools, especially where the rules are not strict. And of course that in this one pool guards just don't give a fuck. So the kids are allowed to constantly switch between the lanes or jump on other people whilst they are swimming. I get super annoyed cause I have to stop, change the technique and my breathing routine, talk to them and ask them to go to the part of the pool designated to their class if they don't want to be attentive to the rest of the crowd.

So one day I was doing my swimming routine and realized it was getting impossible to swim because the waves were bigger than usual. I stopped and saw a group of at least 25 preschoolers jumping in the water in the most absurd way possible, I guess they had a competition who could do the funniest jump. They were screaming all in the same voice plus throwing all the swimming accessories at each other (boards, fins, paddles, caps, goggles and various other items). But what I found shocking was that the instigator of this infernal pool carnival was their own coach, a thirtysomething straight white guy who was acting as if he was 10 again and it seemed like he was enjoying himself big time.

It all lasted 15-20 minutes, and at first I was shocked. 'The rules have to exist, how on earth can I finish my routine if this is how you teach kids to behave in a pool?' a small nazi in me was already silently arguing with the guy responsible for this bacchanalia.

But then I went to the side, took a small break and remembered one eerie moment I experienced a couple of years before in a public swimming pool in Amsterdam. The situation was almost the same - it was the same part of the day, late morning or early afternoon, 25 meter pool, 2 lanes reserved for preschool swimming classes. It's just that this pool was taken care of - recently built on one of the canals close to centre, everything new, sleek Dutch design, lots of windows, natural light etc. The parents were even allowed to sit next to the pool (they had to were these special shoe covers that surgeons wear in operating rooms) so their kids would be more assured during their first swimming lessons.

Since kids were dressed up normally (meaning outside clothes, they weren't wearing swimsuits), I thought it was one of their first classes where teachers are just giving a preparatory 'theoretical' introduction. But what happened after the presentation was super strange. Kids had to jump in the pool with their clothes on. It was a really weird moment – a group of ten completely dressed six and seven year-olds (wearing pants, shirts, jackets, even sneakers!) struggling to repeat movements they'd just learned from their coach, but this time in the water. After a couple of minutes of struggling, the instructors had to help get them out of the pool because their clothes were wet and heavy, poor kids couldn't carry their weight all by themselves.

I approached one of the parents and asked them what type of course that was and why kids were obliged to swim with their clothes on. I got an answer that it is a non-swimmers course and that the point of the lesson is that kids need to learn what to do if they fall off a boat into the sea.

I kind of got it, but I wasn't convinced. I tried to put myself in their skin – you're six, you don't swim, you are probably afraid of water, it's your first time at the swimming pool, it's a completely new setting, semi-naked people wandering around doing silly exercises in and out of water, and then your teacher tells you to jump in the pool, move your limbs in the manner he showed just a minute ago even though you're wearing heavy wet clothes and you have no idea how to move your hands and legs to keep your head above the water. I was trying to imagine how it must have felt for those poor kids struggling to swim wearing jeans and sneakers.

I mean, it's not a drama, it's not like I'm describing a domestic violence situation. A group of ten six-year-old non-swimmers trying to cope in the water with their clothes on, ça va. Still, what bothered me is that I intuitively realized that none of those kids are ever going to return to the swimming pool after they've finished with their swimming course. They will learn how to swim properly, they will master the technique and what to do in an emergency situation, but they will hate swimming forever, or at least until they decide to fight off their childhood water trauma.

That was the Amsterdam memory that came back to my mind whilst I was on my short break in the pool and looking at the first group of kids, this time 25 six- to ten-year-old going completely wild whilst[izbrisi ovaj whilst pliz] doing whatever they wanted on one of their first swimming classes. Goggles, boards, fins and other swimming accessories were being thrown everywhere, in and out of water, 10 tiny girls were trying to submerge their coach, and a couple of them were trying to undress him. He was fighting them off, laughing super loud. The rest of the kids were running around, uttering screams I never thought human beings were able to produce, and jumping in the water in the most unimaginable ways. One preschooler even took his swimming trunks off, was parading around completely naked and proudly showing his butt to his friends.

(Btw I remembered one of my colleagues at work telling me that the problem with kids these days is the diet. You can't expect they'd act normal if you feed them with chocolate and Haribo candies all the time. She said of course all the kids are crazy these days, they're sweating sugar, and they have this manic sugar rushes all day long).

Looking at those kids I realized that I'm not going to swimming pool because I want to learn how to react if I fall off a boat into the water, nor because I think it's an useful activity that could help save other people's lives. There's nothing pragmatical pragmatic about it - I just like swimming because it makes me feel good. As simple as that.

If swimming teacher that was having fun whilst fighting off the oversugared over sweetened hyperactive girls that were trying to undress him was by any chance trying to do the same thing any of the existing swimming pools in Amsterdam, he would be fired in less than a week. His teaching skills just wouldn't be appreciated there. The number of concerned parents who were present on their kids' first swimming class in the swimming pool in Amsterdam was quite astonishing, and lets me think that the class of people who think overparenting is the only way of raising their kids is not growing, but it has become a new normal.

On the contrary, these kids here were just having fun, as simple as that. And I'm sure that at least half of them will come back to the swimming pool on weekends or on their school break. And if only half of those succeed in developing a healthy approach to their bodies, it's a lot already.

At the same time, what they managed to learn during this completely anarchic swimming class is a feeling, one might even say a skill, that their Amsterdam peers will probably never acquire in their whole life. They learned how to overcome their fear of water. The method used might have been completely un-methodical and unreflected, but it was successful. And i'm sure that in the situation of 'emergency' (in case a kid falls off a sailing boat or off a cruise ship, as one of the parents in Amsterdam told me), a child without fears stands better chance of surviving than the one who got the knowledge in the 'proper' way.

As I have already said, the swimming teacher that lets his THEIR pupils run around a swimming pool naked whilst throwing swimming accessories at random visitors would have been fired anywhere else but here. Here nobody cares.

2011 was Amsterdam, 2019 is Brussels. It's by no means heaven here. But on that day on my short break in the swimming pool on Place du Jeu de Balle whilst I was watching the most anarchic swimming lesson I've ever seen in my life, a strange, but pleasant feeling got over me. I felt like I know why I'm here and not there.

* * *

I don't enjoy art anymore. I really don't. And it's not like I don't try – I go to theatre and galleries as religiously as before, sometimes even a couple of times a week. But it really doesn't work for me as it used to.

It's not a new thing this art disdain, it has been growing in me for awhile now, and I have become aware of it ever since I moved to Brussels. I tried to unpack this aversion in conversations with Charlie. Once he told me that I have to become bourgeois in order to enjoy art again.

I have been coming back to this thought quite often recently. Three weeks ago I saw this piece performed by members of an art organization from Brussels, a safe space where refugees and recent immigrants to the city can work on their artistic ideas and develop them with the help of settled (legally speaking) Belgian citizens. The majority of 15 performers in the show were people of color that are active as artists and participants of various workshops that take place there.

I would love to be able to say that they were performing. It seemed more like they were puppeteering. The thing is, most of the credit for their work went to a white straight Western European guy that usually works as a scenographer (that's what Wikipedia says), but in this piece he was responsible for 'artistic direction'. The show got standing ovation, almost every night apparently. Audiences were praising how daring this piece was, both artistically and politically.

Unfortunately after the piece not a single person that I talked to and that was smitten by its profound political, ecological, and social commitment (this is an actual quote from a panegyric published in one daily newspaper) seemed to be concerned with the fact that performers were paid merely 10 euros for a show.

A couple of months before, I'm not so far from the place where I recently saw this piece, this time it's a smaller scale program,program; 4 young writers in a relatively unknown studio space are reading excepts excerpts of their work. It was an evening organized by writers themselves, big institutions weren't involved, so I didn't fear that I was going to be confronted with a work of a yet another young Western European maker that was going to change the world with His radical take on art and politics that involves unpaid immigrant labour.

The event went well. Writers seemed humble, well aware of their vulnerability, especially in a situation where they needed to perform in front of an audience, no matter the fact that there were no more than 20 people in the room and that they knew most of the faces that came to their reading.

There was this guy, in his late 20s, curtain haircut straight from the 90s, tiny round glasses, acute level of social awkwardness. I could barely hear him even though he was using a microphone. Before he started reading he gave out a couple of copies of his publication so we could follow his poem in written form. Thin books he shared with us looked a bit like anarchist zines I used to read when I was a teenager.

His poem was long and senseless, and in the book he was playing with different fonts and typefaces. It was fun hearing his timid voice and at the same time following it in written form, realizing how he graphically organized his text.

I didn't dislike the show, it didn't make me angry or sad. But during and after it, I had only one question on my mind. As much as I wanted, I just I couldn't get it out of my head all night long. 'How do you pay your bills?', I wanted to ask him. 'Do you poems cover your rent?', was on repeat on my mind after every sentence he uttered. I went home thinking about the connection between the amount of money on artist's bank accounts and the type of art they're putting out in the world.

Fuck, I'm becoming really bitter, my mind is corrupted with these sinister ideas, I thought the next day. Fuck, I thought the next day, that I'm becoming really bitter, that my mind is corrupted with these sinister ideas. But then, I gave it a second thought and I realized that there was something in his lecture that made me think of this guy's bank account. There was something present in his voice, a specific quality of his behaviour, the way he was holding himself, his pronunciation, that made me think that this guy has never spent one single day of his life having a job outside of claustrophobic art world. Not a single day spent serving people behind the bar, counting money at the till, sorting products on the shelves in a supermarket, or chopping onions in the restaurant. Not a single day of experience that marks the last 10 years of my life, ever since I left my uni.

Let me be clear, I am not cynical. I'm not retreating to irony. This is not where my mind's at now. Nor I would like to personally attack this guy for what he is or how much money he has. I'm more trying to understand how am I supposed to connect to his work having in mind all the differences that structure and organize our everyday life? How to empathize with his poetic abstraction, how to enjoy in his imagination knowing that the way he makes use of his own time bears no resemblance to how my daily schedule looks like?

Polyamorous Love Song, the book I'm sending with this letter, didn't drastically change my opinions on art. It didn't make me a believer again nor did it give me reasons to fight off my lapse from art grace. Why is it here in the same package as this letter (aside from the fact that it's a part of Jasna's project :)) is that there's this thought by the end of the book that might help me in formulating why I feel what I feel recently.

Pop songs that we know of are all monogamous, no matter how open-minded the artist is. Serge Gainsbourg and Britney Spears have one thing in common: the both wrote songs (yes, it might be hard for you to believe, but Britney was involved in the process of creation of her own music) whose addressee is one single person. 'Love songs are propaganda for monogamy', as Mr. Wren (better said, one of the narrators in the book) would say.

Imagine a world were where love songs are not monogamous, I read a couple of pages later. Envisage an universe where pop songs are dedicated to various individuals. How would that change our perception of reality? If we lived in a possible world where pop songs we hear on the radio, sing in our showers, stream and share are not dedicated to one single person, but to a lot of different people at the same time, would our feelings be shaped differently because we'd have a language for something that exists outside of daily perceptions of the contemporary reality we are living in at the moment?

I remember well, in 2012 I saw a movie Weekend by Andrew Haigh. Have you seen it? The main characters are two guys, late 20s, early 30s, one is artist, other pool lifeguard, they hook up one night in a gay bar, start hanging out. The plot is set in England (I can't remember where), and doesn't cover a long stretch of time, only a couple of days. It mostly consists of their conversations about love, life, sex, coming out, gay marriages etc and their unimportant everyday life rituals like drinking coffee or cycling around.

I didn't experience a massive catharsis during the film, but I can still recall that a deep feeling of sadness hit me after I came back home from the cinema. The morning after the feeling was still there. It wasn't suffocating, but for the whole week after seeing the film whatever I was up to I could sense a feeling of soft and profound fragility that permeated all my actions. A type of vulnerable sensitivity impregnated my whole being.

I knew what instigated this state, and I was aware that it started after I've seen the film. But I didn't feel like it was one of the top ten films I've ever seen. I tried to analyze why I'd been so moody and realized that that was probably the first time in my life that on big screen I've seen a queer film where one of the gay characters doesn't die, isn't beaten up, castrated or raped, isn't ostracised by their community and where gay relationship isn't portrayed like a fucking war zone. The story of Weekend is simple – two gay guys hook up and spend couple of days together, eating, fucking, cooking, drinking coffee, chatting. Of course that there are consequences to my emotional wellbeing if gay reality in every film I'd seen until 2012 is depicted as tragedy.

Imagination is a powerful tool. And I'm not talking just about the under- and mis-representation of sexual and gender minorities on big screens. It's also about the fact that in 2019 I find absolutely necessary that we start treating art spaces as safe(r) spaces. Violent imagination in art works i'm seeing lately reproduces and reinforces the same power logic that exists outside of art world. The more time I spend finding the examples of an influential nature of aesthetic experience, and its complicity in the formation of how we perceive the world, how impregnated our minds are with what we've seen on TV and heard on the radio, the more I find non-negotiable the idea that artists should be accountable for the artistic universe that they present, and that only in safe(r) spaces a different type of creative imagination has the potential to emerge.

I don't think my art disdain will merely disappear once I become bourgeois (though I am glad to announce that this might finally happen quite soon). Even with more money on my bank account I will think that there are theatre makers and choreographers whose works are producing serious damage to our collective imagination, who don't recognize that this sacred ideal of Western European romantic tradition called freedom of artistic expression has it's its clear borders.

This idea from the last chapter of the book that pop songs not only depict but they also create is one I find truly revolutionary. Yes, we do need polyamorous love songs to change our boring monogamous reality :) But it's not just about non-monogamous pop songs, it's about the all forms of possible lives and existences that we sometimes successfully, sometimes tragically, but definitely very intuitively, are trying to articulate in our charged 2019.

Read the book and pass it on please. I'm sure you'll find someone interesting to share your thoughts with.

What about the swimming pool lesson? I don't know. I had a thought about the alternative ways of fighting my own fears of becoming creative being again and another thought about my new bank card, and another one about the updating the definition of the working class and another one on the different shades of whiteness and Western European wannabe radicals, but then I totally lost the connection with the rest of the letter :) Next time, I promise.

How's your new cyborg life? I want to hear everything. Come for a visit please, it's about time.

I love you, hope to see you soon XX p

ps Jasna's explanation is here! More on http://dearjacobwren.tumblr.com/

'So, I am giving this book to you, as a present. I am giving it to you, but on one condition. Or actually two. The first one is that you read it. The second is that, upon reading it, you do the same as I did: you think of a friend who you think might like it, who you think will be a nice addition to our small community, you give it to him/her as a present and along with it, write a letter to explain why you think this person and this book might go so well along. Then you give them the letter and the book, and you forward the letter to me, so I could publish it here.

You decide on the length of the letter, I am just asking for the language to be English so that more people could understand it… and, of course, at the end of the letter you make a small note about this principle so that when your friend is done with reading, he or she can send it to the next person, including a personalized letter, so that this circle could go on expanding…'

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