#It actually makes me wonder about their individual pasts to make them be that way with one another actually

[merakiui]

simply business.

yandere!azul ashengrotto x (female) reader cw: yandere, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, slight nsfw, misogyny, power imbalance, workplace misconduct, abuse of authority, ceo azul, secretary jade note - you'll do anything for this job. mr. ashengrotto wonders if there are limits to your anything.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you in person, Mr. Ashengrotto. Thank you for making time for me today. I can’t begin to imagine how packed your schedule is,” you admit with a gentle laugh.

Just as you practiced with Trey and Riddle, you shake his hand firmly and confidently. Even if most of your poise is feigned to hide a mountain of anxieties, it manages to fool the CEO of Mostro, for he mirrors your amiable greeting with one of his own. Or maybe he sees right through your act and is choosing to remain quiet. You’re not going to think too deeply about that.

“The pleasure’s all mine. You have no idea how startled I was when your application found its way on my desk. Why, I thought I was dreaming.”

If he brings up childhood memories, talk about it. Why not? Trey advised hours earlier, serving you and Riddle individual slices of strawberry tart. Friendship is just as good a connection as the one made through sweets.

Which is very solid guidance coming from a baker.

Even so, she shouldn’t rely solely on past connections. In business, that means nothing if the connection itself isn’t stable and worthwhile enough, Riddle, ever the realist, added with a grimace. We should know. We went to school with him.

Hey, don’t sweat it. You’ll do great, Trey added when he noticed the despairing look you’d given your tart. I’ll bake you something to celebrate, so do your best, be yourself, and bring home good news.

With his and Riddle’s encouragement, you had been so certain of your abilities before, in which you proudly proclaimed you’d get the job and charm Azul in the process, but now you’re not sure. Standing here in his office, thirty-something stories in the clouds, you can’t escape the suffocating fear as it saps the oxygen from the room and renders your lungs vacant.

“I aim to surprise.”

“And surprise you have. Pleasantly, might I add.” He motions for you to sit, to which you comply and lower into the seat across from him. A mahogany desk separates you from a sparkling future. Your gaze pans from him to the man standing a few inches behind, a clipboard and pen held in both hands. Standing isn’t the right word, actually. With his height, all lithe limbs dressed darkly, he looks like a bodyguard ready to escort you to your execution should you make the wrong move. You can handle one pressed suit, but another is too much. And this one looks even more intimidating than Azul with his sharp, stoic stare. “Pay him no mind. Jade’s merely here to make note of our discussion.”

“Ah, I see. Nice to meet you, Mr. Jade.”

He nods his silent acknowledgement, two-toned eyes filling with light.

“Shall we begin?” Azul gathers a few documents, straightens them, and then dives right into the rigmarole. “I must preface this by stating our past friendship has no influence on my decision or the outcome of this interview.”

“Completely understandable,” you blurt, trigger-happy with agreement.

Don’t be a yes-man, Riddle’s words from before float through your head, stern like a parent. You’re human, not some gear meant to strengthen their corporate machine. If they can’t see that, then that’s no environment for you.

“I… Actually, it feels a little awkward talking like this,” you add with a nervous sigh. “With the stakes being so high and everything… It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, but I’m happy you’re doing well for yourself. Oh! I’m not saying that to butter you up or anything! That’s my honest opinion.”

He chuckles. “I’m also pleased to see you again. Although going forward I would like to keep this matter separate from the task at hand.”

“Right. Sorry. We got off topic.”

He flips through the papers—likely your resume and application and any other information he has on file—and hums. “It says here that you have experience managing an online platform. Would you care to elaborate?”

“Oh, that. It was for my friend’s family business. He’s a baker. The shop has a nice reputation in the neighborhood, but they don’t really have any social media presence. My friend and I thought his family could benefit from a website and a Magicam account, so we put both together. I was in charge of creating and managing the website.”

“I see.”

You notice Jade scribbling something and your heart drops into your stomach. “S-So I have experience in design and…stuff.”

Relax. Don’t pay attention to him.

“Then may I assume you’re passionate about photography and graphic design?”

“Very.”

“It’s good to have an eye for aesthetics. I can clearly see that from the samples you submitted. Your portfolio is impressive.”

“Thank you, Mr. Ashengrotto. I take pride in all of my work.”

“In that case, would you mind walking me through your portfolio?”

“I’d be happy to.” You scoot closer to his desk without thinking, gesturing to the prints he’s laid out for you. “That’s the website I designed for my friend. He wanted something simple, family-friendly, and easy to navigate. I had to appeal to both customers from the neighborhood and customers who might be visiting for the first time. Finding a balance was a little difficult, but I made it work after lots of dedicated effort.”

He gestures to another sample and you delve into the lore behind it. This carries on twice more before he indicates his satisfaction with a beaming smile.

“Aren’t you diligent?”

The delivery is more backhanded than you’d care to hear, but you choose to brush it aside. “Thank you.”

“Your baker friend… Are you employed?”

“Oh, not currently! It was just a side gig. A one-time thing.”

“Is that all?”

You open your mouth to reply and then stop. Did you hear him correctly? “Is… Is what all?”

“You may not work for him in that capacity, but you might in another capacity. ‘One-time things’ could snowball into—”

“It didn’t and it never will,” you interrupt. You realize your error seconds later and smooth out the abrasiveness in your tone. “My apologies. I meant to say that I’m not affiliated with him in any of those ways. I’m merely a friend who helped out where she could. Nothing more and nothing less.”

Azul hums flatly, as if disappointed. Jade scribbles. You swallow mounting dread.

What was that about?

“Very well. Moving swiftly on… Can you tell me about yourself? What drew you to this job?”

“I’ve always wanted to manage a social media account for a business like yours. There are so many branches. I think it’d be a very fulfilling experience.”

“Is there a particular branch you’re interested in?”

“Definitely one of your restaurants. I’ve worked with food websites and accounts before, so I have the necessary qualifications you might be seeking.”

“Social media is no easy task. It can be stressful to manage any platform in which you have a following. With that in mind, may I ask how you normally handle stressful or challenging situations?”

“I don’t get stressed very easily. I’m normally very level-headed.”

Liar. I’m so stressed right now. Sweating like crazy and everything!

As if listening in on your thoughts, Jade drags his pen across paper.

“But in the event that you might face such a situation?”

“If such a thing were to occur, I’d take a step back, analyze everything objectively, and see what I can do to mitigate the stress or difficulty that’s cropped up. If it’s a team effort, I’d gather everyone involved for a meeting so that we could discuss together.”

“And if it was an individual effort?”

“It depends on the severity of the stress. If it comes down to it, I’d have no problem notifying my supervisor or manager of the issue firsthand. The sooner you’re made aware of something, the easier it is to draw up a plan of action, right?”

“That can be true, yes.” Azul shuffles his files. “How would others describe you? From the perspective of a friend, perhaps? Or a spouse? Are you married?”

That’s…way too personal. Is that even an interview question? So far he’s asked everything Riddle went over in our mock interview. What’s up with this sudden shift?

You force a stiff laugh. “Not married yet, no…”

“Do you plan to be?”

“Um… I…don’t know. I’m focused on my career right now.”

“Ah, a career woman. Most women your age often settle down. Not you, though. Ambitious thing, aren’t you?”

Your lips twitch into the beginning of a scandalized grimace, but before you can allow your tactful façade to slip you hurry to paste an unruffled grin on your countenance. “I’m passionate,” you smoothly correct. You don’t miss the way Jade’s pen halts before he continues his duty as scribe. “If I may, Mr. Ashengrotto, did you not say you wanted to keep work and personal matters separate?”

“Forgive me. I was only testing you.”

Just what kind of test is that?

“O-Oh. Well, I hope I passed.”

“With flying colors.” He clears his throat. “Now then, what motivates you, Miss (Name)?”

“My friends and family. Myself. The food waiting for me at home.” He quirks a slight smile at that. “I always strive to do my best.”

“A fine attitude to have.”

“Mhm! I like what I do. Every day’s exciting and I love a good challenge.”

No, I don’t. I almost cried on the way here. This is too much of a challenge for me. I didn’t even think I’d get an email back from you…

“You seem like quite the optimist.” He straightens the papers once more and then clips them together. “I appreciate your insightful, honest answers.”

“Oh. Oh! Yes, right! Of course! Thank you for your time.” You practically jump out of your seat to shake his hand.

That was good, right? It felt so fast, but I did well. Right?

“If I may ask one final question…”

“Sure thing!”

Azul smiles. “Just how badly do you want this job?”

More than anything. I need this job. I’m unemployed and desperate. Please, Azul. You have to help me out.

Obviously you can’t phrase it like that, even though the spineless side of you wants to.

“I…would benefit greatly if I was hired. Working for you and your successful company would be an amazing honor.”

“Is that right?” He releases your hand. “All right. The job is yours.”

You blink at him, shocked. “Wait. It is?”

“On one condition.” Azul sits back in his plush office chair. It’s the expensive type. The one with cushions and reclining abilities. “Strip for me.”

Your blood crystallizes in your veins; your heart almost stops. “Excuse me?”

Surely he didn’t just say that. Surely he meant to say something else. Something like…strip all of your worries and accept this position? Your eyes drift over to Jade. He blinks back at you, a razored smile hidden behind his clipboard.

“If you’re willing to go to extremes for this job, prove it.”

“Mr. Ashengrotto… I…” You laugh, but nothing about this is funny. Bile rises in your throat, scalding with sickening acid. “I…”

“Go on then.” Azul waves his hand impatiently, deceptively youthful features twisting with annoyance. “I haven’t got all day.”

Your hands curl into fists, and you dig your nails into your palms so roughly that you break skin. He can’t be serious. He really can’t.

And yet he’s watching you like he expects it.

Again, you look to Jade for help. He lowers his clipboard. “It’s not polite to make one wait, Miss (Name). We pride ourselves on timely efficiency here.”

“But…” You swallow thickly, your hope slowly waning. “But this… This is absurd! I… You must be joking. I can’t possibly—”

“You can,” Azul interjects. “If you want this job, you will do just as I’ve said. Well? The choice is yours. I’ve played my hand.”

Warmth drains from your person until all that’s left is creeping cold.

Oh, you think with devastating resignation, it’s this kind of management. So this is how everyone survives here.

Inhaling through your nose, you steel yourself. Your fingers twitch towards the buttons on your blazer.

“Will I truly get the job?”

“That depends.”

“On what?” you ask, dreading the answer.

“On how far you’re willing to go.”

“C-Can he leave?”

Azul glances at Jade, a sticky smile spreading his lips wide. “Oh, you’ll hurt his feelings with that. How cruel. I can already see the tears brimming in Jade’s eyes.”

“Heartless,” Jade echoes with a sniffle.

You school your scowl into something friendly. “I… I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable with him here…”

“And you do with me? I’m flattered, but our past has nothing to do with this. I’m grateful you bothered to give me a Valentine every school year, but those days are behind us. So stop wasting my time. It’s money, and every second you spend stalling is a Madol lost.”

Your lip trembles, but you don’t cry. You won’t give either of these rotten monsters the satisfaction.

“H-How much do I have to undress to get the job?” You toy with a button, regret pooling in your stomach.

It’s not worth it. I should leave.

You should, but can you?

“We’ll see. I’m feeling generous today, so your fortune may just be favorable.”

Hopeless, you shut your eyes, exhale a defeated breath, and harden your features into something unshakeable.

I’m sorry, Riddle. I’m not a gear here. I’m not even human.

Slowly, while holding unbreakable eye contact, you undo each button on your blazer. You shrug out of it seconds later, dropping it to the floor unceremoniously. Azul and Jade follow your movements like expert predators ensorcelled by prey.

Here, in this hellish bathyal zone, I’m just a whale fall.

From there, you move to your blouse next. You untuck it from your pencil skirt, allowing the fabric to fall freely. Deft fingers work at the buttons, traveling further down until there’s nothing left of the garment protecting your nudity. That, too, joins the slowly forming heap on the floor. The action leaves both men transfixed, and they eye your lacy white bralette as if attempting to sear the sight into their retinas. At one point, Jade decides to write something down. You fondly contemplate all the ways in which he should die.

“Will that be all?”

“Keep going.”

“Haven’t I done enough?”

“If you have room in that mouth to voice complaints, you can stuff it with my—”

You yank your pencil skirt down, silencing the sin that was ready to spill from Azul’s lips. Jade doesn’t muffle his snicker. Again, you fantasize about pushing him out the window.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

With trembling hands, you reach behind your back to unclasp your bra. It’s peeled from your chest then, exposing your tits for their ravenous leering. Their silence says enough. After what feels like an eternity, Azul stops you when you start to slide your panties down.

“I’ve seen enough.”

“On the contrary, I’ve yet to have my fill.” Jade smiles at you, hiding behind his clipboard like the coy bastard he is.

You stand there, clutching your bra so tightly your knuckles ache. “Is… Is it over?”

“For now.”

At that, you fall to your knees, wrap your arms around your chest, and suck in great gulps of air. Fixing your stare on the floor, you find yourself unable to meet his azure hues. If you do, you may just vomit. Footsteps click their way over to you. He pauses; you can feel his gaze burning through you. And then his fingers ghost over your bare shoulder, dancing like playful puppets.

“You start Monday. Bright and early,” Azul says. There’s a detached, clinical edge to the fluff. “I expect wonderful things from you, Miss Marketing Manager.”

As if his words have materialized to topple you—to shatter what’s left of your dignity—you almost collapse. Your arms shoot out to catch you; your palms press against the icy tiles. Still, you don’t cry. Jade’s leather shoes enter your line of sight, which immediately dries your ducts. You don’t have to look to see the satisfied smirk sharpening on his lips because you hear it.

“I must thank you for the entertaining show. Perhaps you should have considered a career in acting.” He drapes your blazer over your shoulders for added effect.

It’s the loudest fuck you in the quietest sentence.

I hope you die a million painful deaths, you despotic, disgusting dickhead.

When you finally stagger out of the building—fully clothed and gutted—dropping thirty-something floors from heaven to the sensible earth below in a compact lift, you fish your phone out of your bag. You’re moving on autopilot when you press his contact. Trey answers on the third ring.

“I was waiting for this call. So what’s the news? Am I baking a celebration cake or a consolation cake? I’m ready for either one. Just say the word.”

The tears are already streaming down your face. You wipe them away, smudging your makeup in the process. “No consolation needed. I… I got the job…”

“See? I knew you’d get it. This’ll be the best celebration cake you’ve ever tasted. Just you wait and—hey, you okay? You don’t sound good.”

You open and close your mouth, unable to pull a reply from the dry depths of your throat. For one minute, Trey listens to your soft, hiccuping sobs. “I’m just—” you sniffle— “I’m so happy… I can’t wait to eat cake.”

[dyketubbo]

lesbian related discourse tires me out sm. first it was aro/ace lesbians then it was nonbinary lesbians then it was he/him lesbians and it/its lesbians and now its bi/pan/mspec lesbians like when are all of you going to realize that the lesbian experience is extremely diverse and has never been as strict as "women who only identify as women who love exclusively women who only identify as women". like this goes for many identities but lesbians end up at the forefront a lot and it makes me wonder if any of you actually give a shit about queer history because istg lesbian separatism has been reinvented like 50 times in the past decade.

stop convincing each other that the queer experience is nothing but strictly defined boxes and labels that can always be condensed into one sentence. lesbians can experience a lack of sexual attraction and a lack of romantic attraction and lesbians can be nonbinary and lesbians can be gnc and when you actually go into what those last two mean you should realize that yes this means sometimes lesbians are men because genderfluid and bigender and trigender and transmasc and whatever gender lesbians exist and when you actually goes into what THAT means you should realize yes actually people combining labels like mspec and lesbian makes perfect sense because of fucking course orientation and gender and whatever else you consider to be apart of your queer experience is all fluid its all up to personal interpretation

its not shit like bi lesbians or mogai or aroace people or gnc people or "trenders" or it/its users or whatever fucking bonafide weirdos that are ruining the community its the people who want to sort everyone into neat little boxes because they cant handle that sometimes you arent going to understand other peoples experiences. its fine if mspec lesbians dont make sense to you. its fine if it doesnt make sense to you how someone could use it/its, if it doesnt make sense how a lesbian could consider himself transmasc, if it doesnt make sense how someone could seriously mean "my gender feels like a star", if whatever queer experience you run into doesnt make sense.

someone's identity does not have to make sense for you to respect them as a person and realize that exclusionary behavior is nothing but a crabs in a bucket type mentality. not only have "weird" queer people existed since fucking forever, but even if they didnt the human experience is diverse and we still dont know everything about the world and why the fuck would you decide that no actually if it cant be understood it must be bad and you need to find out reasons for it to be bad. focus on the people who are actively hurting others, taking advantage of vulnerable people, dont become one of them. dont become one of the people who scorns anything they dont understand and hurts innocent people in the quest of getting rid of anyone who they deem is abnormal. its fucked up and being any type of exclusionist is fucked up.

bi lesbians, as an overall community, is just a bunch of people who decided that a complicated label fits their complicated attraction and thats Fine. it is literally fine. being a lesbian was never about being strictly a woman who strictly loves other women who are strictly women. its about loving women in a gay/queer way, whatever that means for the individual. if an individual person is using it in a transphobic way, then thats a fault of the person, not the label. but at its core, all the identity is about is about recognizing that attraction is complicated and identity is complicated and not everyone is comfortable putting themself in neat boxes for other people to scrutinize until they Get It.

to any mspec lesbians (and hell, any mspec gays) who are reading this: im proud of you and theres nothing wrong with recognizing that your identity is complicated and maybe even contradictory. its Your experiences and no one has the right to say that youre inherently a bad person simply because they heard some strawman arguments and decided to believe in fallacy over reality. and because its probably obvious why im making this yeah maia arson crimew is literally fine its an absolute legend actually and i hope that its okay. fuck anyone who was a piece of shit to it because they cant handle someone being openly complicated and contradictory and unabashedly "Weird"

[donutwatches]

MHA 3.3 - Kota - part 1/3

This is a watch-a-long blog, so no spoilers past this episode please!

Didn't he already do that last season? Did I imagine that? I love that his training is creating the perfect bath temperature.

Apparently Midoriya's training is getting beaten up by a furry. I wonder what he is going to tell his Mom when she asked him what he got up to at summer camp? "Well...there were these park rangers dressed as cats".

What would class 1A do without Iida keeping it together 24/7? Everyone is dead on their feet, but Iida is like "Look alive people, we're about to make the greatest curry of all time".

HIS TINY SMILE. This was a small detail, but it was so moving. Just lighting a fire for cookin and making his classmates smile made him happy. In seasons 1&2 he was so shut off socially.

He is finding out that the part of his quirk that he rejected and hated for so long can help people, and that he can use it in a positive way.

Momo's power comes from food! She can make weapons from her body by eating cake, what a dream.

"It's like poo". Sero, noooooo! Why did he have to make it gross? lol

There is a full doozy essay incoming. I went ham. So don't click 'keep reading' unless you actually want to keep READING.

What Kota says in this episode got me spiraling into essay territory. Kota's point of view has helped a lot of MHA's themes click into place for me, but these thoughts have been brewing for me since season 1.

Categorizing people and placing labels on them can lead to dehumanization. The 'villain' label makes people who commit crimes less than human, and the 'hero' label elevates people into being more than human. Either way, dehumanizing people has consequences, and in Kota's perspective, it got his parents killed.

Someone labeled as a 'villain' can think, well I'm already called a villain, I might as well act that way. Someone labelled as a 'hero' is pressured to live up to being put on a pedestal, and that can lead to failure, or hypocrisy (like Endeavor's outside hero image conflicting with behind closed doors abuse).

The villains versus heroes narrative feeds a cycle where they are in perpetual competition with each other to negative results for the community. As if crime and justice are the same as competing sports teams, like red team vs blue team. This leads to what Kota says, "they're all showing off", and end up "killing each other".

I have had jobs where I worked with kids, and I saw social labeling play out. Some kids got labeled as 'trouble makers'. The kids saw that they got attention for challenging behavior, and it got worse. I have heard a kid state "I'm a bad kid" outright, and they internalized that as part of their identity. It is hard to undo the damage.

It reminds me of Shinso from last season, as an example of a teen being labeled a villain by his peers. He fought hard to reject being put in that category, but many real life teens don't escape the labeling.

There are also kids that get singled out as 'golden children'. These kids feel pressured to be perfect, and can struggle with their flawed human identity not matching their 'golden' reputation.

Bakugo is an example of an over-praised kid that develops a superiority complex. He is insecure about not being the best, because he was categorized as 'the best' at age five. I think 'troublemaker' versus 'golden child' is a small scale version of the 'villain' versus 'hero' in MHA.

These categories lead us to making blanket assumptions about individuals who fit the right image. All might is the symbol of peace, so he must be perfect, right? But the show reveals that All Might, while he is a good man, is a flawed human being. We see him struggling to upkeep the shiny symbol he has created, at the cost of his health and social life.

I wonder if MHA is going to explore a villain that could have been a good citizen, but got trapped by how society has cornered them into a 'villain' labeled box? I think this might be the major theme of the entire story. I've cracked it, I can stop here, I don't even need to watch anymore episodes, bye! ;p

"My friend", ok Deku, you're not fooling anyone.

The starry night backgrounds in this scene are beautiful!

This montage of Midoriya trying to force a quirk to happen almost killed me.

It takes me back to the 1st episode where Deku's opening line is "we are not all created equal", and the episode shows us both him and Bakugo being put into opposite social boxes based on their quirks.

Deku was labeled bad/useless because he was quirkless, and this flashback underlines how much it hurt him, but he was saved by how strongly he held to his ideals of heroism. That is the positive flip side of the 'hero' label. It gave Deku something to look up to and live for.

Kota isn't ready to accept that rejecting the realities of hero society is going to be more painful in the long run. He is too little, and trying to process so much grief, it breaks my heart.

What also breaks my heart, is that Deku is speaking from experience. He has lived quirkless in a hero society, and rejecting the reality of his quirkless-ness back then caused him a lot of hurt too.

This is such a great exchange. MHA doesn't do a lot of quieter character building moments, but this talk between Kota and Deku was so good.

Part 2 is here

Masterlist

TAGLIST

@jessiedead @blackaquokat @granny-griffin @champion-prism @bicheetopuff @setfiretotheshadows @hyperfixations-and-cringe

[irishhorse-blog]

I received the usual private messages telling me how delulu I am, how disrespectful I am to Jimin because he clearly said he's single and not looking. Okay. I'm not going to respond to each message individually, so I'll address these things here.

Yes, I heard what he said. I know that there are many ways to interpret his words and the signals and signs that have been shown for lo this past decade. Some will see it at face value; some will see it through hate; some will see it through protective lenses; others will see it in a shipper's light. Do any of us really know what he means, or what his life situation is? No. I and the other Jikook stans could be completely wrong.

When I started shipping, I was ambivalent about the whole process. It's honestly gross to force a romantic narrative onto real people when it's very likely to not only be untrue but also offensive to the people involved. I never got involved in RP shipping before, and if I'm honest, the concept sort of squicked me out.

So why do I write a Jikook blog, you may ask? I believe in what I see. I believe that they're actually a couple and that they're actually in a committed relationship. I'm not shipping them. I'm supporting them. And if it turns out that I'm wrong and I've been an assclown this whole time, so be it. I still love them, and I'm still here for it. My first priority and the only thing I have ever wished for them is that they're happy, no matter what they're doing, no matter who they end up with. I hope they find the lives and the loves that they want, because they deserve it.

I believe that Jikook is real. I also believe that there is subtext to the things that Jimin was saying in the second MiniMoni video. I do listen to what he says, and what JK says, and what the other guys say about them. It's the combination of all these words over all these years that has convinced me.

Whatever the truth is, it may never be something we out here in the wider world get to know. It might be that their lives will always remain private, and that's okay. I swear that I won't have a conniption or throw a hissy fit if it turns out that both JK and Jimin end up marrying women and having families of their own. I think they'd both be wonderful fathers, for what it's worth.

I just don't think they will. And only time will tell.

So, keep slinging accusations at me, and keep accusing me and belittling me if it makes you happy. What you have to say means nothing to me. My opinion is my own, and in the grand scheme of things, in the face of death, destruction, war and grief, it hardly matters whether or not two celebrities I'll never meet in person are busy sevening each other. I'm not going to argue about this. There are more important things in this world that deserve my attention and my energy.

[heathleaves]

I can’t stop thinking about Verna’s deals and her collateral - with Roderick it is straightforward, his bloodline ends with him which would imply he does love/will love his descendants… but never enough to overshadow his greed, only Lenore’s death at the end truly shakes him.

But Madeline - at first I thought the twins shared their price, their collateral, but Madeline never wanted kids. True, she might never had any because of the deal but she also mentions being against it in general - she wanted to be immortal on her own merit not fulfilling a woman’s role of childbearing and achieving immortality in this more traditional “prolonging the species” kind of way. And while she did everything to protect their family and the Usher legacy - and slayed while doing so! - I don’t know if she actually loved any of her brother’s children as individuals. She protected them, but also didn’t hesitate to threaten death if any of them threatened the collective and/or the company. While Roderick was also ruthless in these moments and encouraged the hunt for perceived traitors, I think there was genuine grief and loss during the last funeral - and this is the scene when I think it clicked for me that Madeline did not love the dead Ushers - the way she was sitting in front of the final coffins. It was a beautiful pose, the actress slayed. Madeline looked bored. And probably planning next moves with the company/the board. She had tried to protect them because they were Ushers, but they were nowhere close important enough for her to be her collateral - for her to feel the loss, personally.

What, then? At first I thought the whole cost was on Roderick’s side and the twins were a package deal, but then Verna’s insistence that they both confirm would sound off. And she stressed the part about them both going out together which, I think, is the whole crux of the matter.

Madeline’s collateral is her ambition and dream of achieving immortality, rather than a person she loved - the only one she truly loved is her brother, and she was prepared to kill him in order to prolong her own life - so that she could achieve her goal.

This is where the price of her deal comes in - she received all the means in order to complete it, all the money (that she chose in her conversation with Verna) and no consequences for her actions - but she is made to die together with her brother before she achieves her digital immortality, as we know her AI failed due to an example with Lenore.

It was rather skillfully arranged in the narrative because I think we had the key to that answer before we fully formed the question - i.e. Verna’s talk with Arthur Pym about the collaterals before the full scene of her deal with the Ushers, and both of those happening at the end of the series, so for the majority of it the viewers can solidify in their minds a pre-existing idea of the deal’s only price are the Usher children dying, only to have the inkling of doubt during Verna’s conversation with Pym and then the final picture happening in the bar.

Which is what makes me wonder about the third Madeline that Verna could see - the past we know, the present we know, but the alternate? Would she have achieved her dream through her own means, even without the money she said she wanted in her solo conversation with Verna in the bar? It does seem to tie-in with the theme of the poem Verna recites to Madeline - The City in the Sea. The poem’s main theme is a ruin brought on by riches, as Death presides over the once opulent city. This obviously refers to the fall of the house of Usher, and the fact that death conquers all.

But I wonder if it doesn’t also mean, more personally for Madeline, that she gave up her dream of achieving immortality, and exchanged it for money - that Verna’s personal message to Madeline is “You would’ve been magnificent, but money and riches are not the way to overcome death.”

Both Usher twins were obsessed with Egyptians, but Madeline understood you couldn’t take your treasures to the afterlife - I don’t know if Roderick understood it as well and only wanted the symbols of status, but Madeline wanted the money as a means to achieve her true ambition.

Perhaps her immortality would’ve been fame, if we go back to the conversation with Verna in the bar when she asked Madeline what was more important to her - money or fame.

[plutosfallenangel]

Astro thoughts + takes | Random observations

(*from personal experience + knowledge, please do not copy+paste as these are my own words*)

• Uranus aspecting one's moon can make them prone to mood swings, yes, but I never hear about how this aspect can make it easier to overcome tough emotions. Since Uranus represents innovation + breakthroughs an individual with a moon-uranus aspect can power through them quickly, and sometimes in very odd ways. Can have different coping mechanisms than most around them.. one that will really stand out apart from the rest. Now, keep in mind that this can be great in many ways.. zipping through emotional turmoil can be a breeze for these people, they just have to make sure to slow down once and a while and ACTUALLY process what they're feeling. Those with moon sextile uranus can actually work through tough emotions when they get outside of their comfort zone.

• Moon sqaure saturn can indicate emotional immaturity until the individual works on their relationship with authority / authority figures, amongst other things..

• Neptune square asc can give one the desire for escapism through substance, any harsh aspects neptune makes to the moon or venus can also indicate this (no hate.. I have this aspect)

• Virgo mars and planning when to have xxx (this is where they clash with fire/air mars signs.. they thrive off spontaneity which this mars lacks unless the chart indicates otherwise ofc)

• Mars in the 6H and being turned on not by a specific area of the body, but what sensations can be created by it (nervous system)

• Mars in libra vs being turned on by reciprocity

• An unevolved lilith in libra/7H can be the typical womanizer/maneater until they learn that there's power in standing on their own, not feeling complete only when in a relationship. some may use others to try and "heal" themselves too

• Virgos actually spend their past time connecting the dots

• One of the things that cancer and taurus placements share in common is that they'll be in a DEEP sleep, wake up, and randomly start making a 4-course meal (yum, can I sleep over?)

• The galactic center of the milky way is stationed in the constellation of sagittarius, which has up to 400 BILLION stars.... and you still wonder why they act like that?

° Saturn conjunct asc means everyone giving you responsibilities because you always look like you can handle them (even if you can't or the responsibilities have nothing to do with you) however, in return it does grant the individual with passing authority (I also have this.. even when I'm not the one "in charge" people come to me like I am)

• The house that Saturn is in can show you which area of life you'll feel most restricted in (ex: 3H- trapped within the local community or bound to siblings in some way. 10H- bound to work, restricted in some way to get away from it. 12H- trapped in your mind/subconscious)

• Sun in 8H individuals may gain more recognition after death / possible famous after death ( check for more fame indicators )

• Scorpio + 8H placements will put people through trials and tribulations because they want to see if they are worthy enough to see their innermost self and deepest desires. this is because these placements experience the most rebirth (and their own trials and tribulations... quite often), they want to make sure you love them down to their very core, so when they morphe into their next "self", you won't leave

• When the south node transits the 7H one will notice past-life partnerships coming back into their present life. Note that this may not always come in the form of a lover.. but if it does.. your working on releasing patterns of behavior with said person. Unfortunately, once the transit south node exists the 7H there may be a parting of ways. This could be completely flipped however, some may meet a past life partner that they end up working on these patterns together and stay together (depending on synastry). And then you even have some people who will experience repeating events and patterns from outside forces but don't actually align with a specific past partner. As of right now taurus risings are letting these lessons wrap up, if you are a Taurus rising comment below with your take on this! Scorpio risings are shedding an old identity.. I know this can appear to be typical Scorpio behavior but because this is affected by the nodes, it's a deeply submerged part of themselves they're FINALLY learning to let go of and release control. Let me know if this resonates- Scorpio risings! 🫶

• Whichever house the south node transits in your chart will be the area of life you will experience "letting go" of what no longer serves you (Ketu=deflation)

[aihoshiino]

it's never going to come up in canon but i do often wonder a lot what the result of ai surviving and raising aqrb as their mother would have done for grsr's 'presence' in their lives and identities, so to speak. obviously both of them have differing and (in aq's case) complicated relationships to the people they were 'before', but how much of that is nature and how much of that is nurture (or lack thereof, i guess.......) is interesting to consider.

ruby pretty clearly straightforwardly thinks of herself as sarina 2.0 at least as of the last real interrogation of this aspect of her identity, but earlier in the series, we actually see her drawing more of a dividing line between the two identities, codeswitching between speaking as 'sarina' and 'ruby' particularly strongly at the start of the sweet today arc. i do think these aspects of her identity make sense in tandem - if she considers herself a continuation of sarina's wishes and dreams, i think it makes sense for them to both overlap and yet be differentiated in the way your past and present selves are at once different and the same.

aqua's r/s with gorou's identity is pretty messy and hard to fully nail down though i think that's in part because aqua himself doesn't know what the fuck to make of it, really. as a baby, we see gorou's personality much more prominently but once we timeskip to the twins' middle school days, the current aqua almost feels like an entirely different character. and in a sense, he is: he's lived a whole life's worth of time so far in a completely different body and brain, having interactions and relationships with people gorou amamiya would never have met in his life and occupying a totally different social role to his past self - i think it makes sense to call the sum of those differences 'aqua hoshino' and differentiate them in the same way as early!ruby does btwn her and sarina: the same, yet different. i do think aqua is intended to be read as separate enough from gorou as to be an individual person, just because a lot of things about him (in particular the aqkn and aqak romances) read Very Differently if he is intended to be an unbroken continuation of gorou's identity as opposed to a 14~18yo boy inheriting it. it's not that aqua concretely Is or Is Not gorou - both of these things are true at once and it's this lack of a yes/no binary and associated failure to compartmentalize as needed that seems to be one of the main causes of his Gorou Related Anguish

but!! all this stuff is infinitely more complicated by the fact that the twins were both traumatized by losing ai in their very early childhood. aqua in particular, as we later find out, was essentially retraumatized because gorou's guilt over his mother's death (+ his grief over sarina's, who he associated w/ai) was already floating around in his brain when all this shit happened. so how much of the current aqua is just the result of his personality naturally developing like that and how much is his brain getting fucking mgs4 microwave corridor brain blasted at a formative age?

then of course there's this smoking gun ass line

what does this mean, aka akasaka. i'm going to laminate you.

i do personally like to think that in an ai lives au, the twins ultimately do fully step into their lives as 'aqua hoshino' and 'ruby hoshino' without feeling beholden to their past selves - not abandoning or forgetting them, but making the most of this second opportunity as new people to purify their regrets and lay them to rest with love. this is mostly because i don't think either of the twins could ever sincerely and wholly accept ai as their mother w/o that compartmentalization and just considering that makes me want to scream cry throw up eat fiberglass blow up a building and smash breakable dishware.

i just want the hoshinos to be alive, together and happy and mentally well....................... is that too much to ask

[mncxbe]

Hey, first time request! Recently I watched an anime called My Happy Marriage and I was wondering if I could request Dazai, Chuuya, Kunikida, Fukuzawa, Ranpo, Akutagawa and Fyodor with the reader who has a personality and history similar to Miyo Saimori? How would the BSD characters help the reader?

Here is the information about the character and anime: https://my-happy-marriage.fandom.com/wiki/Miyo_Saimori#cite_note-novel-v1-1-1

P.S: I recommend you watch the anime before making my request so that you will understand the characters and the plot.

Thank you!

hii dear♡ unfortunately I had no time to watch the anime cuz my schedule has been packed these days. but I read Miyo's backstory in the manga and on wikifandom so I'm quite sure I got the main idea ^^

so reader is gonna have her backstory, personality and ability but she's just in a relationship with the bsd guys, not an arranged marriage. I really hope you like it♡♡

°☆○

12:20♡

𝑫𝒂𝒛𝒂𝒊, 𝑪𝒉𝒖𝒚𝒂, 𝑲𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒌𝒊𝒅𝒂, 𝑨𝒌𝒖, 𝑹𝒂𝒏𝒑𝒐, 𝑭𝒖𝒌𝒖𝒛𝒂𝒘𝒂, 𝑭𝒚𝒐𝒅𝒐𝒓 𝒙 𝒇𝒆𝒎!𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓

𝑮𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: fluff♡

𝑫𝒂𝒛𝒂𝒊

Dazai is a very perceptive individual. he could tell from the second the two of you met that there was something different about you. still, he doesn't bring it up until you got closer

when you decided to tell him everything about your past; how you've never been loved by your family, how you've always tried to prove yourself to them but it was all for nothing. how you've always felt like you weren't good enough; he's surprisingly understanding

as someone who has never felt love he gets you. of course he doesn't dare compare his past to yours

Dazai is such a supportive partner. it's the little things for him like telling you you're appreciated and loved and surprising you with gifts (when he actually has money lmao)

he doesn't strike me as the type of partner who pushes all the "but how can you think so lowly of yourself? you're amazing" on you. he knows fully well that healing is a long process but he's ready to support you all the way

when you're having especially tough time, and not only with your family but also in general, he's always there for you.

best cuddle sessions when you're sad

tries his best to show you the love you never had and get you out of your shell (ofc he does, he's an extrovert)

as for your ability I don't feel like it would matter too much for him. of course, he finds it impressive but in the end, he love you for who you are, not for your ability.

you both end up healing each other; you show him kindness and he makes you see your worth. so overall it's a healthy relationship♡

𝑪𝒉𝒖𝒚𝒂

he gets so mad when you tell him about your past. he's angry because he really cannot understand how your family could ever treat you like this

he's honestly surprised that you're so kind and gentle, considering what you've been through

calls your sister a bitch for sure. but after you tell him to stop he doesn't do it anymore

showers you with love in all shapes and forms. you wanna have a nice chat over a glass of wine? sure. he saw you looking at a kimono while the two of you were out on a date? he gets it for you.

very supportive overall although he may not be able to express his feelings sometimes.

let's just pray he never meets your family💀

reassures you a lot and really tries to show you that you're appreciated. you always feel loved when you're with him

𝑲𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒌𝒊𝒅𝒂

this neon green flag of a man will listen to you talk about your past and keep a straight face. but deep inside he feels like crying

he's a man of strong morals so naturally he's mad at the injustice of your family

very reassuring and patient, he gives the best words of affirmation and always makes sure you feel appreciated

as for your ability he does think it's powerful. and if you work for the ADA he's sure to keep you as safe as possible

feels a deep need to shelter you from every bad thing in the world because honestly, you've been through enough

God forbid you ever have a fight. he'll cry himself to sleep

tries his best to always remind you that you're loved and that your past doesn't define you and that you don't need to prove yourself to him in any way

overall GREEN FLAG

𝑨𝒌𝒖𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒘𝒂

oh boy

when you tell him about your past and the things your family did he just sits there like: 😐

Akutagawa knows very well the pain of never feeling good enough and always needing to please others

you bond a lot over your traumatic childhoods althought it takes him a while to open up

he's not too god (he's downright terrible) at talking and reassuring you with words of affirmation. so he'll show you that you're cared for through little kind gestures like brewing you tea in the morning, bringing you snacks after his missions and spending time with you

at first he thinks your ability is weak cuz it's not useful in combat. but when he actually realises what you can do he holds such respect for you like hands down. somehow he also feels a but thretened by your power?? in a way?? but he gets over it

little by little you both fully open up to each other. your gentle personality really soothes his soul

so just like with Dazai, you help each other heal and have an overall healthy relationship♡

𝑹𝒂𝒏𝒑𝒐

speaking of perceptive...

he probably deduced your trooma✨️ after a simple chat. but then again you tell him everything at some point

he's really supportive and caring. sometimes he may come across as too pushy, like forcing you to get out of your shell and meet his friends and be more open about your feelings, but he means well

really sweet and gentle when you're in private. you can talk openly to him about anything he will listen

"Oh? You feel like you're not good enough for me? Nuh uh"

Ranpo may seem childish and playful most of the time but he's actually thoughtful

always shares your candy with you to show you how much he cares

I do see him asking Poe to write a novel describing the perfect date place. and then takes you on that perfect date yk. he's smooth like that

being with you makes him act more mature and serious. because he is serious about you. he truly wants to show you the love you never had and make you feel worthy of yourself

𝑭𝒖𝒌𝒖𝒛𝒂𝒘𝒂

another green flag

you can see his smile slowly fade away when you tell him everything about your past

when you're done he hugs you so tightly♡

making sure you're appreciated is one of his number one priorities now

ofc he doesn't mind that you're shy. always reassures you that you can take things slow and fully open up to each other and all. he's really sweet

if you weren't his partner and just a member of the ADA he'd be your father figure. but that's not the case

makes you feel cared for with acts of service and quality time. although he's busy at the Agency he always makes time to go on dates with you or simply spend time in the comfort of your home

🙏🙏 best words of affirmation

he feels the need to protect you. Fukuzawa is very much aware of the fact that your ability makes you a target. many people could take advantage of it. so he wants to keep you safe

he does his utmost to be reassuring and offer you support whenever you need it. and helps you heal and learn to love yourself.

𝑭𝒚𝒐𝒅𝒐𝒓

this man... when I tell you he only wanted you for your ability at first

but somehow he realises that there's more to you than just your power. little by little he grows fond of you; and curious

when you tell him about your past he's disappointed but not surprised. he knows how cruel people can be

still, after that he treats you more like a human being and when you do end up together he's surprisingly gentle

Fyodor is lowkey forced to change his attitude towards you. to be kind and good. to show you that you're loved because it really pains him to see you suffer

I see him brewing you tea, cuddling with you while you read a book together and playing the cello to cheer you up when you're sad or simply need to unwind

being with him may not be the easiest. he's cold and distant sometimes but he does his best to reassure you that you're worhty, loved and precious (and not only because of your ability)

STILL if you ever get into a fight he won't hesitate to use your past against you. but he will regret it the second he sees how your face drops. so he apologises

[metal-berry]

RWBY die-hards are so funny tbh. They spent the past five years deliberately and vehemently gatekeeping the fndm to a ridiculously high degree, doing things like gloating that they were "purging" the fndm of all but the show's most ardent worshipers, launching vicious smear campaigns against anyone and everyone who said even the mildest bit of criticism and slinging baseless accusations of "sexism" and "homophobia" against them (even though an overwhelming majority of their targets have been queer or women or both, while an overwhelming majority of RWBY's creative team have been straight men with histories of open misogyny and queerphobia) they've bullied fan-artists off every platform, they've sent hate mail, death threats, rape threats, slurs, they've literally posted long lists of "rules" they expect fans to follow "or else" (and the rules include things like "you must fiercely advocate for my favorite ship" and "you must love my favorite characters and hate my least favorites" and "No AU's or Fix-it fics allowed" and then if anyone is caught breaking these "rules" they get labeled as "the HTDM" and viciously smeared and bullied out of the fndm, they've deliberately sought out popular fanworks and started viciously smearing and harassing the fan creators while gloating "if you criticize the product sold by a corporation, we get to coordinate cyberbullying campaigns against you as an individual artist who makes fanart for free, because those are totally the same thing in our minds so you deserve it!!!" They've swarmed YouTubers like penguinz0 or Hbomberguy and harassed them with death threats and accused them of "trying to kill rwby" (as if it couldn't possibly have anything to do with 1. Rooster Teeth being a horrifically abusive and bigoted company that every decent person decided to stop supporting, 2. "CRWBY" being comprised of and run by Rooster Teeth bigwigs including four of the five founding fathers of the company and several department heads, many of whom have open histories of extreme bigotry themselves, which bled into the show and caused extreme bigotry to be baked into the writing itself, and 3. *this exact fandom*, all of which together are enough of a poison itself, to the point where having a couple of youtubers say "so this isn't a good mix" was never going to actually affect viewership NEARLY as much as the Corporation and Fandom were already doing) and also can we talk about the horrific amounts of biphobia that gets leveled against the people who ship Blake with literally ANYONE other than Yang and ship Yang with literally ANYONE other than Yang?? Because my god the biphobia that exists within the Die-Hards in this fandom is off the fucking charts. The amount of specifically bisexual fans who have been viciously attacked because they did not list bumblby among all the queer ships they liked. The amount of times I've seen people say things like "the only reason anyone likes BlackSun is if they're homophobic" when a lot of BlackSun shippers are openly bi and ship them as a bi-for-bi ship. The amount of times I've seen people say things like "the only reason anyone PRETENDS to like Freezerburn is if they're trying to shove Yang with a random girl so they can force Blake to date a stinky MAN while using Yang and Weiss as shields to protect themselves from being caught as the homophobes they really are." The amount of times I've seen people attack fans who ship Blake with Ilia or Ruby or Nora, or fans who ship Yang with Pyrrha or Neon or Nora, because it *does not matter* if you actively ship a hundred queer rwby ships and write hundreds of fics about it and draw endless fanart of it, if you say "eh I personally just don’t care for Blake X Yang" or even if you say "I used to be a hard-core bumblby shipper but the way the writers chose to execute it left a lot to be desired and turned me off the ship" you get labeled a "Sexist Homophobe" and violently abused and bullied. It's fucking disgraceful, it's NO WONDER this fandom is fucking dead

When a fandom: a) posts strict rules detailing exactly which interpretations, headcanons, character opinions, and ships are REQUIRED in order to be considered "not a hater," b) viciously attacks and harasses every single person on the internet who does not follow those strict rules and labels them a "hater" because of it, c) slings baseless and despicable accusations of "sexism" and "homophobia" against these so-called "haters," because apparently they're too ignorant to pick up a dictionary and learn that "criticizing rwby" is not included in the definition of those words, while also completely ignoring or even *denying* the fact that most of their targets are queer women and most of our complaints are that *rwby is textbook sexist and homophobic and RACIST AND ABLEIST and was created and almost entirely written by openly sexist and homophobic and racist and ableist men, and you actually kind of have to have failed Progressivism 101 in order to not see it,* d) engages in open bigotry themselves by attacking marginalized people to punish them for condemning bigotry while using bigoted slurs and dogwhistles against them, and e) deliberately "purges" the fandom of every single fanartist, fanfic writer, theorist, meta analyst poster, or even shit-poster who DARED to express an opinion that didn't conform to the "rules" and therefore got labeled a "bigoted hater" who "laid down with the dogs" and was "guilty by association..."

The fandom dwindles away to nothing, and dies

And then the last remaining Die-Hards who got their wish and "purged" the fandom of everybody whose opinions did not 100% align with theirs, get all pissy whenever they see somebody like you acknowledge the empty void left behind

The fandom got so militant and zealous with their gatekeeping that there's just nobody left anymore, except for the few who turned Worshiping RWBY into a cult and violently kicked out everyone who didn't conform - but they consider that to be a "victory" so they attack every new straggler who walks into the vast empty field and says "there used to be a fandom here."

That post that was made five years ago about how it was time for the mega-stans to "purge the fndm" of everyone who didn't conform to THEIR view of the show? Yeah lol well they succeeded and I hope they're happy with their echo-chamber of circle-jerking Yes-Men who have been throwing all their hard-earned money at bigots and abusers while crying about the uncertain future of the show they turned into their identity, and I hope one day they realize that THEY contributed to Rooster Teeth's downfall far more than the critics ever did

Because fandom has historically thrived on diversity of opinion, including the allowance of criticism and the celebration of fanworks

So when a culty subsection of the fandom decrees that freedom of expression is WRONG and differing opinions are WRONG and writing fanfiction they don't like is WRONG and drawing fanart they don't like is WRONG and shipping ships they don't like is WRONG and not shipping the ships they do like is WRONG and liking characters they dislike is WRONG and disliking the characters they do like is WRONG and criticizing the corporation behind the product is WRONG and holding the product creators accountable for their hateful and ignorant beliefs is WRONG and choosing to withhold our money from those who have been proven to be abusive bigots is WRONG and therefore demanding change instead of letting them keep getting away with everything is WRONG, and so they are so totally justified in their efforts to deliberately cyberstalk, harass, and bully the "Arrogant, Entitled, Ungrateful" non-conformists until they've driven everybody away...

The fandom dies

And there's nobody left to BUY THE PRODUCT

*shocked Pikachu face* that RT went belly-up???

The Die-Hard Mega-Stans are the ones that killed RWBY. That's why they're so desperate to point fingers and bitterly curse the names of all the fans they deliberately ORDERED to "Stop Watching," "Stop Posting," "Stop talking," "Stop Writing," "Stop Drawing," "Stop BUYING," and that's why they're so fucking ANGRY every time they see proof that their mass gatekeeping, mass cyberbullying, mass smearing campaigns WORKED.

The fandom is dead because they fucking drowned it on purpose, and they refuse to admit that fact to themselves

What else can they do but lash out?

What else is there to say? You nailed it. I was there in the very beginning when the fandom was thriving and I watched the wasps slowly kill it. I remember all the creative au’s and how even rarepairs got content. It’s not even a husk of its former self, it’s crumbled dust.

[pr-incey]

For a while—after being exposed to the antiship movement, because goodness knows I didn't care about this when I was younger—I wondered *why* fiction and reality were so different in my head. Why I could happily see things depicted in fiction that would make me sick to my stomach or upset me to tears just from thinking of it happening in real life. I couldn't come up with a reason for this for a while, which caused me distressed and made me worried that I might secretly be a terrible person after all.

But I've done some thinking and I've figured it out. Or, rather, I've returned to the mindset that came so easy to me in the past and probably did to a lot of people before the well was poisoned.

When I see a fictional character, I don't see a person. I don't see a person like *me*, anyway. I see a person within that piece of fiction's universe; a plane of existence that is wholly different from my own. Lines and colour, words on a page, virtual drawings being played sequentially at a speed that simulates movement. Sure, the written passage, 'He had eyes, ears and a mouth' is a representation of what *I* am, and what other people around me are, but it is fundamentally a plane of existence that is *alien* to me.

An alien is something that is decidedly not human. I feel empathy for other humans because I can relate to them. I have no desire to hurt them because I either know what it is like to be hurt in that way, or I can imagine what it would be like. I know the harm it would do to them, which illicits a reaction of disgust and apprehension in me. 'That's terrible,' I think, which simply kills any desire to cause any harm to a real person or do any disgusting actions.

This is why predators are such terrible people. They are fully aware of the harm their actions will cause and then go ahead with them anyway.

But with a fictional character, it's different in these ways:

1. First of all, we have to remember that they AREN'T human and so whatever I feel towards them cannot accurately mirror whatever I feel towards real flesh and blood individuals. They're projections of humanity from OTHER people in whatever medium they choose, but fictional characters are—and I cannot stress this enough—NOT HUMAN. If I pull off the head of a Barbie doll, does that mean I have the desire to behead someone in real life? Does it mean that I MUST have the urge to behead someone in real life, because a barbie doll is a 'representation' of a person? Your answer, I'm hoping, is no. Because Barbie is not human.

2. And because fictional characters are not human, I don't have empathy for them. Not REAL empathy, anyway, the type that stops the desire to cause harm. When I 'violate' a fictional character, it illicits at most only superficial disgust because I know that character will not live with the lasting consequences of my actions. They're a projection, a facsimile.

So that might bring you to another question, 'Even if they're not real, why would you WANT to do that to them, anyway?'

That I can't answer. The human brain is weird. Sometimes, people have dark urges. If a kid tosses their Barbie onto the ground and seems to take pleasure in it falling, can that accurately say they want to push a real person onto the ground? If someone seems to enjoy a violent video game like GTA where they can run people over and shoot them to their heart's content, is that a surefire way to know that they want to do those things to real people? I wouldn't say it is. Would you?

The final thing to remember is that it's not completely black and white. A serial killer might have been 'inspired' by a violent horror story, whereas the actual author of that story is a nice, well-adjusted individual. People with the desire to hurt actual humans might make do with projections, but it does not change the fact that they actually want to HARM people. The fiction didn't make them want to do that. They already did, and probably would have even if they didn't discover said fiction. And horrible people CAN make their own 'projections'.

Generally though I believe it is obvious when someone is just playing with dolls, and when someone is exhibiting an actual desire to hurt somebody.

[aspd-culture]

Heya, idk if this is a valid question or is really dumb, but like, does the age at which ASPD behavior starts to show have to be strictly 15?

I have been wondering whether I should get officially diagnosed, since the media and general societal representation of it doesn’t seem as reflecting of me (with exception of a few) but I do relate extremely closely to most of the diagnosing criteria. Although??? The physical aggression thing?? Like I have those impulses and plenty of them, but I just don’t follow through with most because of convenience. That sort of thing is one of the main things that makes me doubt whether I do actually have it. (Same with impulsive behaviors etc)

But my main point/ask is the age thing. As a very young child I was pretty sweet? Ig? Like I wasn’t an aggressive child, rather pretty passive. As far as I recall, my symptoms started when I was about 15-16, when I was starting to process that mine was a traumatic situation? and earlier than that I was just an edgy teen, I guess? I sure had some of the symptons way earlier, but the main ones/ the ones that I feel are more prominent in me didn’t show up until a bit later? I’m not sure. So my question is, does it mean it can’t be ASPD?

Also your page is lifesaving. Thanks man.

Note: due to the way copy and pasting criteria works on tumblr, this post will be written exclusively in plain text, as copying and pasting it all over again would take forever, but I want this post to be accessible still.

I haaaate the way the DSM phrases criteria. Absolutely no worries, it is confusing as heck and you wouldn't be the first person at all to ask about this.

So, the symptoms of Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder (DSM criteria below) need to show by or before the age of 15. (I do not know if Intermittent Explosive Disorder satisfies this criteria, but it very well may.) That means they may start when you're a toddler, or they may start when you're 14.5. Anywhere in there, you have to qualify for one of those two disorders, but you also do not have to have been diagnosed with them.

Also, having had been an "edgy teen" definitely could have been those symptoms showing themselves. The reason ASPD can't be diagnosed before 18 is because teenage edginess could either be symptoms or be normal, and the only real way to tell is if it continues past teenage and into adulthood.

The diagnostic criteria of Oppostional Defiant Disorder is as follows, quoted from the DSM-V TR:

A. A pattern of angry/iritable mood, argumentative/defiant behavior, or vindictiveness lasting at least 6 months as evidenced by at least four symptoms from any of the following categories, and exhibited during interaction with at least one individual who is not a sibling.

Angry/lrritable Mood

1. Often loses temper

2. Is often touchy or easily annoyed

3. Is often angry and resentful.

Argumentative/Defiant Behavior

4. Often argues with authority figures or, for children and adolescents, with adults.

5. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or with rules

6. Often deliberately annoys others

7. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior.

Vindictiveness

8. Has been spiteful or vindictive at least twice within the past 6 months

Note: The persistence and frequency of these behaviors should be used to distinguish a behavior that is within normal limits from a behavior that is symptomatic. For children younger than 5 years, the behavior should occur on most days for a period of at least 6 months unless otherwise noted (Criterion A8). For individuals 5 years or older, the behavior should occur at least once per week for at least 6 months, unless otherwise noted (Criterion A8). While these frequency criteria provide guidance on a minimal level of frequency to define symptoms, other factors should also be considered, such as whether the frequency and intensity of the behaviors are outside a range that is normative for the individual's developmental level, gender, and culture.

B. The disturbance in behavior is associated with distress in the individual or others in his or her immediate social context (e.g., family, peer group, work colleagues), or it impacts negatively on social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning

C. The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a psychotic substance use, depressive, or bipolar disorder. Also, the criteria are not met for disruptive mood dysregulation disorder.

[End quote]

Conduct disorder's criteria more clearly shows the lead-in to ASPD.

The diagnostic criteria for Conduct Disorder is as follows, quoted from the DSM-V TR:

A. A repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated, as manifested by the presence of at least three of the following 15 criteria in the past 12 months from any of the categories below, with at least one criterion present in the past 6 months:

Aggression to People and Animals

1. Often bullies, threatens, or intimidates others.

2. Often initiates physical fights.

3. Has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gun)

4. Has been physically cruel to people

5. Has been physically cruel to animals

6. Has stolen while confronting a victim (e.g., mugging, purse snatching, extortion, armed robbery)

7. Has forced someone into sexual activity

Destruction of Property

8. Has deliberately engaged in fire setting with the intention of causing serious damage.

9. Has deliberately destroyed others' property (other than by fire setting).

Deceitfulness or Theft

10. Has broken into someone else's house, building, or car.

11. Often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., "cons' others).

12. Has stolen items of nontrivial value without confronting a victim (e.g. shoplifting, but without breaking and entering; forgery)

Serious Violations of Rules

13. Often stays out at night despite parental prohibitions, beginning before age 13 years.

14. Has run away from home overnight at least twice while living in the parental or parental surrogate home, or once without returning for a lengthy period

15. Is often truant from school, beginning before age 13 years

B. The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning

C. If the individual is age 18 years or older, criteria are not met for antisocial personality disorder.

[Skipping a bit of the quote which specifies codes for the various ages CD can present. It is worth noting that these are *not* criteria, they are specifications to be noted in the file of the person being diagnosed with conduct disorder to accurately describe their experience. As you'll see, these specifications are flags as to whether a child/teen with conduct disorder should be evaluated for ASPD upon reaching adulthood.]

Specify if:

With limited prosocial emotions: To qualify for this specifier, an individual must have displayed at least two of the following characteristics persistently over at least 12 months and in multiple relationships and settings. These characteristics reflect the individual's typical pattern of interpersonal and emotional functioning over this period and not just occasional occurrences in some situations. Thus, to assess the criteria for the specifier, multiple information sources are necessary. In addition to the individual's self-report, it is necessary to consider reports by others who have known the individual for extended periods of time (e.g., parents, teachers, co-workers, extended family members, peers).

Lack of remorse or guilt: Does not feel bad or guilty when he or she does something wrong (exclude remorse when expressed only when caught and/or facing punishment). The individual shows a general lack of concern about the negative consequences of his or her actions. For example, the individual is not remorseful after hurting someone or does not care about the consequences of breaking rules.

Callous-lack of empathy: Disregards and is unconcerned about the feelings of others. The individual is described as cold and uncaring. The individual appears more concerned about the effects of his or her actions on himself or herself, rather than their effects on others, even when they result in substantial harm to others.

Unconcerned about performance: Does not show concern about poor/problematic performance at school, at work, or in other important activities. The individual does not put forth the effort necessary to perform well, even when expectations are clear, and typically blames others for his or her poor performance.

Shallow or deficient affect: Does not express feelings or show emotions to others, except in ways that seem shallow, insincere, or superficial (e.g. actions contradict the emotion displayed; can turn emotions "on" or "off" quickly) or when emotional expressions are used for gain (e.g., emotions displayed to manipulate or intimidate others).

Specify current severity:

Mild: Few if any conduct problems in excess of those required to make the diagnosis are present, and conduct problems cause relatively minor harm to others (e.g., lying, truancy, staying out after dark without permission, other rule breaking)

Moderate: The number of conduct problems and the effect on others are intermediate between those specified in "mild" and those in "severe" (e.g. stealing without confronting a victim, vandalism)

Severe: Many conduct problems in excess of those required to make the diagnosis are present, or conduct problems cause considerable harm to others (e.g., forced sex, physical cruelty, use of a weapon, stealing while confronting a victim, breaking and entering).

[End of Quote]

As you can see, the criteria required before age 15 is not as intense as many professionals describe it. Remember that you are only required to have shown 3 out of the total 15 criteria in there. There is even a whole specifier for Conduct Disorder that is mild and only includes things like lying, basic rule-breaking, and/or staying out past curfew.

Acts of physical aggression are not actually required for ASPD at all, it's just that many prosocials see that being one of the possible symptoms and fixate on it, thus pushing everyone with ASPD into the box of physical aggresion. You absolutely can have ASPD and never act on any violent thoughts or urges.

I was also a very sweet and passive child, developing most of my externalized ASPD symptoms (rule breaking, disrespectful behavior/actions, challenging authority, etc) around age 13. However, the internal symptoms were there for me much younger - easily bored with poor handling of boredom, lack of empathetic reactions, difficulty apologizing/showing remorse due to not really feeling it, becoming very angry but not showing it, resulting for me in self destructive behaviors like cheek biting or controlled destructive behaviors like breaking something that wouldn't be missed (pencils and pens mostly for me).

Regardless of what symptoms were shown when, symptoms are still symptoms, and if you had enough for Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder before your 16th birthday, you are well within possibility of having ASPD. Keep in mind that the lying, manipulation, etc that can qualify for Conduct Disorder doesn't have to be grandiose or destructive except where it is explicitly stated in the criteria that it does (such as fire setting only counting for the destruction of property criteria if you meant to damage something with said fire).

It's so easy to count yourself out of ASPD because you don't fit the stereotypes or public perception of ASPD, but I assure you that there are many, many ways something as complex as a personality disorder can show itself.

It is absolutely a great thing, however, that you are covering your bases and making sure to do the research to see if this is what you have. That is the basis of an informed self-dx, should you come to the conclusion that you have ASPD.

Now, as for actually getting diagnosed, your mileage may vary with professionals. Many have bias against pwASPD ingrained into their practice, and won't diagnose you with it even though you have it if you aren't/weren't violent, law-breaking, or if they just think you "seem far too kind to have ASPD" (a real quote a former professional said to me a few months before I was diagnosed by my long-time psychiatrist). This doesn't mean you don't have ASPD. If they can't give you other explanations that make sense, and if their reasons for denying you that diagnosis are based in stigma or anything other than actual criteria, then you are well within your rights to continue being self-dx.

A professional should be able to explain, using criteria, why you don't have a disorder you think you may have. If they're doing their job, they should be willing to explain to you what their reasons are and point you in the direction they think may be causing the symptoms. And no, "just acting like a teenager" isn't good enough if enough symptoms have persisted into adulthood for you to meet the criteria for ASPD.

I hope this helps, apologies for it being so long.

[blackheart-6]

noelle holiday age progression chart

without height lines

explanations of designs:

hi yall

so, i actually finished this drawing like a week ago lol. but i didnt want to post a bunch of drawing in a row, and then i got sick, so i havent been able to post it till now!

its my imaginings of what noelle looked like as she grew up, and a potential adult noelle design! ill explain my thought processes about these designs below, if anyones interested 😁

i also plan on doing one of these with dess, but this one was pretty difficult, so it might be awhile before that (unless yalls are interested in seeing it?)

first off, im not 100% sure ill keep using all these designs. some of them im not that happy with (im no good at designing outfits 😔) but i just went with them so i could finish the drawing. so if anyone has any alternative outfit ideas for any of her ages, id be interested in seeing/hearing it!

secondly, something that may stick out to yall for all the designs is how tall she gets. its the same height i normally draw her with, but given how i usually draw her by herself you cant really tell how tall she is! i have 3 main reasons for why i headcanon her as this tall: deer are pretty tall irl, so having her be tall makes sense in my head; i just like the look of her being super tall, it makes me happy lol; and third, i personally also headcanon the holiday family as boss monsters (i think ive explained this headcanon before on here, so i wont explain again, unless someone is interested ^^). so yeah, she ends up being 7 feet tall as an adult, the second tallest in her family!

also, i gave all her children forms stripes in some way, as a reference to when monster kid in undertale says they can tell frisk is a kid because of their stripes!

now onto my explainations for individual drawings!

theres nothing really to say about her baby design. the only thing i did that might be new is give her faun spots! they are most plentiful on her baby form, but they persist until shes in her teens, i would say (on here you cant see them after age 7, but thats just because i imagine they are mostly on her back). and i gave her a cute lil onsie that says a-deer-able! if you guys cant read it ^^

this outfit i made for her toddler design is actually an outfit ive used in the past! i wonder if yall know what drawing it was? its pretty much the same as it was there, i just added a stripe to the shirt. i felt like overalls are so reminiscent of childhood, i had to give at least one of her designs them! i also added a little mistletoe to the front pocket, to make it more christmas-esque. and i gave her some bandaids, just cause.

7 years old is one of the designs i really struggled on, and im still not happy with it. i dunno if ive said this yet, but i headcanon noelle to be trans, so at 7 is when i decided she started realizing it. so here i gave her long sleeves and pants, to show how shes more hidden now because shes unhappy with herself, if that makes any sense? i was also trying to make her look a bit like a nerd, with the button up and khakis, just because its funny. but yeah, ill probably end up changing this design at some point :P

11 years old was one of the easiest to do, considering how ive had her design for this age for awhile lol. one thing i did change was going from 2 red/white stripes to one, but ive done that before, so it wasnt something entirely new. i also gave her a smile and closed eyes, cause shes happy being a girl 🥰. other that that, its the same, so yeah, thats it for this part

okay, this next design is a fairly different looking one than all the rest, but i have my reasons! at this point in noelles live, dess has gone missing, so i wanted to show her being sad and stuff. i also gave her shoes and long sleeves because she probably goes out looking for dess when she can, hoping to find a lead 😭. but outside of in-story stuff, this outfit is based off of an old one i drew, but its fairly edited, so i wouldnt be surprised if no one recognizes it even if they have seen my old stuff. she has straight hair here, to show how unhappy she is (idk what it is about straight hair it just feels sad) and because i wanted to give her different hair varieties on this progression chart. i gave her antlers 2 prongs each at this point, because the way i see deer monsters, their antlers show their growth/aging, so youll see them getting bigger and having more prongs as the chart continues.

this outfit for 15 is another one i dont like. i tried to make it similar to her current outfit, but still pretty different. im not even sure what precisely i dont like about this outfit, it just doesnt feel that good. for this one i gave her leg warmers because i used to (and sometimes still do) draw her normal outfit with them. i gave her the curly hair she has as a callback to when i used to draw her hair like that! but yeah, ill probably end up redoing this one too

for 17, i just gave her the normal outfit, so it was easy ^^. in game i think shes 16, but close to turning 17, so i just went with 17 here to fit the +2 age pattern thing i had going on. i also gave her an extra horn prong than i normally give her, just to show age once again

finally, her adult design! i dont like this one either lol. i spent so long trying to think of what outfit to give her, but i couldnt come up with something i liked >.< so i just gave her something simple. i feel like once noelle graduates high school and probably goes to college she branches out more and tries things her mother never let her do, which is why i gave her an outfit like that, that has a crop top and a shorter skirt. also, yalls might recognize the hair style i gave her, i drew a potential adult noelle before and i gave her the same hair ^^

i think thats all for the post! i probably have more thoughts that im just not thinking of, but its fine for now. i hope yall enjoyed the drawing, and if you have any question or comments or whatever, go ahead and say them!! if youve made it this far, have a cookie, you must be hungry after reading so much ^^ 🍪

[starmocha]

This is just a love letter to the devs, because they are not celebrated enough for their achievements and genuine love for the game and players.

With the recent announcement of the upcoming update and new love interest's debut, It's truly been amazing to see how far the game has come from their years in development to the official launch to now, six months later. The game has evolved in ways unimaginable with no true comparison to other otome games on the market. The strive to always improve, to implement new features, to take into consideration their audience's critique and criticism is truly admirable.

The thought, care, and planning of just not the main story, but also for each individual love interest is unlike any other otome games I have played in the past. They are truly wanting to create an immersive experience—actual memories—for their audience, and it is working. We have grown attached and fond of the characters from the main love interests to even the side characters.

Take into the fact that LADS is a global game, the coordination that went into making sure news and trailer releases are happening concurrently for players across different regions is mind-blowing.

As with any company, controversaries will happen. They could easily ignore any controversaries that come along, but instead they have chosen to be transparent with their players, which in this case was about Sylus' leak. They weren't obligated to address the issue, write letters to the players, or even share the first unscheduled preview, but clearly they have discussed within the company on how to handle the issue and have concluded that this was a decision they felt comfortable with and was necessary on their part.

For all of the jokes and jabs about personal financial woes, I am truly happy to see where my hard-earned money is going. I've played otome games for years, and have rarely ever been a F2P player, so from a spender's POV, I feel satisfied knowing my money is going to the hardworking people that have developed this game and being reinvested into the game for the future.

Elaborating further on the previous point: we have writers for the story, artists, programmers, video developers, voice actors, marketing team, musicians, etc. Truly, I can't wrap my head around just how many people are involved and feel sorry that I can't personally sing praises to them all.

With all of the new features we are getting in the upcoming update, that alone makes me feel happy to see that my money is not just going to a business to make a profit, but that it is being reinvested into the game.

With so much contents being developed behind the scene, I have no problem being patient when it comes to the main story. The next development looks to be a truly exciting one well worth the wait.

Even the planning of the livestream was a joy to witness. Using the kitties (giving them personalities and voices), creating a "news broadcast", the script for the livestream, and the personal letter at the end from the LADS team—everything about it felt so immersive and the letter was truly touching to read. We are being spoiled in so many ways and it's truly disappointing that there is even a small group that can't see this.

Now with such a big update around the corner, they will most likely release another survey for players to partake in. Please remember that surveys can be used to voice your thoughts on the game: constructive criticism and suggestions allow the devs to reevaluate what is working, what needs to change, and what can be explored in the future. Don't ever feel like your voice is not heard just because you don't see any immediate changes. Let the devs know what you like, what you don't, and what you hope to see in the future. It truly does make a difference.

If you made it this far in my post, then I also want to acknowledge fellow players: you have all made being a part of this community a truly wonderful and joyous experience.

Thank you to the artists for the beautiful artwork and comics shared.

Thank you to the writers for their stories, headcanons, theories, and other works.

The jokes, the memes, and the downright silliness of this fandom have brought many laughs. We're such clowns, but we are clowns together ❤️

Thank you to the people who help share the news, address questions and concerns, and offer game help to players. This has truly been a very welcoming fandom, and let's strive to keep it that way. 🥹

Thank you to everyone who has ever interacted, even if it's just a reblog, dropping a comment, gushing in the tags, etc. The genuine joy and love for the characters and game is one of the reasons why I personally am still invested. I am always happy to see people showing excitement during events, reacting to posts, etc. I am especially truly pleased by the respect the Tumblr community have for each other. Let's continue to make this a safe and welcoming place for current and future players! ❤️❤️❤️

Feel free to hijack my post. I encourage everyone to add their own thoughts. It's been a wonderful almost six months with all of you. I hope this continues. 🫶

[vclvetfleur]

Obedient Chapter 20

Roman Roy x fem! reader

Summary: After the embarrassing live interview, you were sent to Logan's office. Shiv feels sorry for you and decides to invite you and Roman to dinner with her and Tom.

TW: implied child abuse, Logan Roy, sexism

WC: 6.9K

Notes: I've been super busy, but I finally updated. And this is the longest chapter I've ever written :))

Chapter 20: Casey Anthony

Roman entered his father’s office, unsure if Logan was going to start berating him, but he wouldn’t be past Logan to do so. He carefully opened the door before sliding his body inside. “Uh-hey Dad, you needed me?” He spoke softly and carefully. He wasn’t allowed to look away from Logan when greeting him. He learned that the hard way when younger. Romans' hands fidgeted before leaning up against one of Logan’s suede chairs.

“Yes. Did you know about this shit?” Logan asked, passing Roman the phone. Logan slid it across his desk, making Roman leave his safe distance from Logan to get closer to evaluate the screen. But he knew what it would be but played it dumb. “Uh- what was I supposed to know?” Roman genuinely wondered. It could’ve been a number of things. Did he know about the article? Did he know your history with them? Did he know you were so fucked up? “Did you know she’s fucked in the head, son?” Logan carefully said, making you and Roman feel small. Roman shook his head no, knowing he should defend you, but was too scared to do so.

“Uh- no Dad… I mean she seemed more normal than all of us… Come on, you’ve met her.” He tried every bit that he could defend in a sly way by making Logan think he actually wasn’t.

“Yes, I did. She’s definitely smart. But I never met her. I don’t know anything about her. And clearly, you don’t either.” Logan tried to sting Roman. Logan wasn’t as annoyed as earlier, knowing this would be dealt with. It was even his idea to send you off to a TV interview after Hugo suggested you do another interview.

Logan knew how smart you were. You were able to talk your way into a lot from what Logan could see. He would eventually use it for his own gain. He knew you were a game piece he could now move around for his own gain and wins. You were definitely smarter than most of his kids, possibly just as smart as Shiv. But you were still a woman. But you had the wittiness Roman had without being disgusting, Shiv’s ideals, and Kendall’s ‘touch with the youth’. You could be useful for women, younger CEOs, and even liberal older individuals. But he knew some would never take you seriously. Until you talked maybe.

“Well- I have another thing. GoJo… What do we think?” He passed it by Roman. As it seemed, Kendall was out so Roman was the best possible option once Gerri was out of office. Shiv could be good, but once again, she was a woman. She was in her feelings way too often, at least Logan assumed so.

“What do I think? Uhm- yea… What do you think?” Roman asked. He wasn’t going to pass a deal his father didn’t approve of.

“I didn’t ask you what I thought. I thought what you thought.” Logan grew annoyed with Roman’s answer. This was Logan’s issue with Roman. He had no opinions. If Logan thought something, Roman followed. He didn’t know how to be his own person. That was why Kendall was always set for greatness. He always knew his stance. Never followed Logan 100%. He said and did as he thought unless beaten into submission. Kendall was tough, but malleable like clay.

“Okay uhm-…” Roman took a minute to think. “Yeah no, GoJo is a great deal. I mean if we took over internet and tech it’d be great. Get rid of the old shit and into the new. I mean no one watches stuff on TV anymore unless it’s streamed and-… uh yeah. No, it’s good.” Roman came to the conclusion. It was only logical for them to go for modernism. They were being outgrown. Newspapers were dying out. Tv was dying out. It’s all about Netflix and websites and whatever all the bullshit was.

“Okay- well… I just needed some insight…” Logan spoke slowly. The news was playing, but it strangely wasn’t ATN. Logan was anticipating your response. He needed to see if this would be a win or an absolute disaster. Before he knew it, the segment started. He leaned in, watching as Jess came up. “Who the fuck is that? I thought you were with the uh- fuck…” Logan forgot how to describe you exactly. He forgot your hair color. He just passed it off.

“Uhm. No Dad, that’s Kendall’s assistant…” Roman reminded as he stared at the television with a growing amount of anxiety. He never meant for this to go this far.

“Oh, uh… yeah…” Logan let out an old man grumble as his words seemed to slide into one another. Logan smiled to himself, knowing this would seemingly get to Kendall. He knew Kendall would have a field day knowing his assistant was backing up the woman he put up false accusations against.

Next, you came through. Roman leaned forward to watch. He watched your face, feeling as though he could be there for you to console you. “Oh please, she’s just a girl, son. Are you that fucking pussy whipped already?” Logan found a reason to pick at him. Roman ignored. It wasn’t worth arguing. Logan never loved anything. Except for dead people who no longer receive his love.

It tore Roman to watch you break down before finally saying what he hadn’t even known. It sent discomfort throughout the room. Everyone who watched themselves felt a sense of heartbreak for you as you recalled everything that had happened. Hugo and Carolina sat in their own office, watching and shifting at the amount of uncomfortable information. It sunk into everyone. This was too serious to be brought up on television. It affected Roman the most. Knowing what he had said and how he mocked your relationship with them the other day set in. He never knew something this horrific could have happened. And to know this was only the stories you were willing to say out loud. You probably had more things hidden under the surface.

“You picked perfectly Roman.” Logan knew what this could mean. It would only mean a gain. Having a victim speak out against other victims or to them now knowing the horrendous things you’ve been put through. It could make you likable. People would listen to you. He knew it and would definitely keep it in the back of his mind. Logan huffed, watching the parents. He worried it’d ruin their reputation. Not what it would do for you. “What the fuck are they doing here? Did they fucking set her up?” Roman asked out loud, putting his hand up to show the screen, and looking over his shoulder at Logan. Logan just watched. “Those fuckers set us up.” Logan grumbled. He knew this was not just an attack on you but on Logan and the company. He wanted to see how this would pan out. And it panned out exactly how Logan wished it would. Roman rubbed his forehead in discomfort watching you scream and insinuate multiple allegations.

But the fact the news network put up people defending a pedophile and their own abuse of a woman who had been working for a company with their own allegations would only sway positively for Waystar. They would think Waystar was a company that would hire a victim. Someone at the company knew pain. She was just like everyone else.

“Roman, when she comes here, let her in.” Logan commanded. Roman wasn’t sure what his father was feeling, but he couldn’t protect you from it. He had to just have this play out the way he has been. It was going to be a never-ending snowball for you. Roman could only nod and wait with his father as they discussed further plans for GoJo and what Roman’s next plans would be. Roman was given the honor of having to handle the case with his father controlling him like a ventriloquist. But for Roman, it was ideal.

You got into the car, laying on Jess’ lap as you sobbed. Gerri was sent a text from Logan to bring you to see him. Gerri couldn’t break this news to you while you were inconsolable. You shook as you buried your head into Jess’ lap. It was like you were a child with your parents. Your inner child was finally allowed to be healed in a slight way. You wept loudly as you couldn’t process them even trying to speak to you. You were fine while leaving, but once the reality of you not even hearing their voice until now hurt. The fact you had forgotten their face killed you. It was like revisiting a dead relative’s grave.

Jess shushed you as she directed you to breath. You. Had to pull yourself together. You sat up, holding yourself, trying to get yourself to stop crying. You looked at Gerri. Her comfort brought you into a calmer state. “You’re okay. You’re safe…” Jess tried to remind you. Before getting to the office, you rid your tears away and did your breathing exercises. You had to put on sunglasses, knowing photographs of you crying would be out. Jess was dropped off before hand and you were pushed through the crowd by security. “Fucking animals.” You mumbled as you were finally able to go into the elevator.

“Okay… y/n, before we go in. Logan had told me he would like to see you.” Gerri finally told you. You understood. You knew this would be a possibility. You sighed, laying your head against the metal walls. You got it together before agreeing to do so as if you had an option to even decline.

The door opened, seeing Roman spot you. He shifted before making his way to you.  “Hey-uh-hi, you doing okay?” He stuttered, checking you as if he would find something physical to show himself that you were doing all right or bad. “Uh- yea… I think your dad wanted to see me…” You mumbled. He already knew. He escorted you, trying to see if you were even mentally okay. He knew this would’ve never happened unless you both got involved. And he felt guilty. He felt responsible. Watching you have to relive everything was horrific to watch. He was never even able to talk that freely, even around his therapist even though there were multiple contracts and signed documents that promised secrecy. He couldn’t put himself in that head space.

You entered Logan's office and were greeted by Logan. He played a concerned face, looking up at you. “Hi dear, take a seat. You must be stressed.” He tried to play nice. Even it worried Roman. He looked in between the two of you, with his eyebrows raised. You cautiously took a seat, folding your legs across the other. “How are you? We watched what went down. Must’ve been terrible.” Logan checked in. You looked at Roman before looking at Logan. You decided on honesty. “Well- uh I cried a lot. But I’m glad I said what I said.” You breathed out.

“I bet… uh- well… now- now don’t take this so harshly, but I do think it was a good thing they brought them out there. It proves what we are. Doesn’t it? You’re a smart woman.” Logan put an emphasis on your gender. “You knew these news people don’t give a fuck. They’re savages.” Logan tried to bring your guard down, but it didn’t work. You were worried this would end in you being called a moron or being fired. “Listen- seriously. This is coming from me of all people. This was good. It felt good, didn’t it?” He asked you.

You sat with your thoughts before nodding. “Yeah- it kind of did.” You agreed. “I mean- I thought if I ever saw them, I’d run away and cry, I mean I did yesterday… but it felt good to say it out loud. To finally discredit them in public.” This was what Logan wanted. You finally spoke. You let your guard down. You had no defense up. He could screw with your mind.

“It must’ve been. I mean to deal with…” He let out an exaggerated breath of air, shaking his head. “I mean to deal with that, y’know… How long have they been discrediting you?” He needed to know to shut those claims down for as much money as it took. He was going to make you and Shiv the face for their defense against the Cruises. Who better than 2 women, one being a now public assault victim herself?

“As long as I can remember. I mean they used to tell their friends what a bad kid I was. But honestly, I think after I left they even bashed me on social media a bit. It was just to make me…” You started before Logan cut you off.

“To make you feel guilty. Yeah- who was Liam?” Logan wondered. Roman tried to butt in. “Dad- come on…” he tried to stop the questioning, but Logan put his hand up to stop Roman. “I’m just asking. Come on. It’s therapeutic. Isn’t it?” Logan asked you. You felt too intimidated. But all your business was out at this point. This could’ve been out already.

“Uh- Liam was my dad’s brother. Uh- yea. He wasn’t the only one though. Just kind of- y’know…” You shifted. You covered your face with your hair as you pretended to itch to avoid the intense eye contact from Logan.

“I see… Well- what if I did this for you?” Logan proposed. “We take those bastards down… your parents, Liam, and whoever else.” Your eyes light up. You looked at Logan, shocked, but hungry to not only publicly shame them, but completely ruin them. “I can set you up with the best lawyers… the best whatever. And slip something. Make sure, this kind of stuff can’t happen.” Logan continued. You didn’t need to hear the rest. You wanted in.

“Yes- I’d love that. I don’t even care what else you need. I’ll do it.” You jumped at the opportunity. Not only would it prove whoever didn’t think you were wrong, but it would be such a release to you. “Slow down… I just need you to go up there with Shiv from time to time. That’s all I ask.” Logan continued. This would be pocket change to him. But if it influenced you enough and to gain back such sympathy for the company, he would do it. He didn’t care. He just wanted another win to take home.

You got up and agreed. “Logan, you have no idea what this means. Thank you.” You felt so released from all this excoriating journey. But it would be over. The trail would be fast. You had witnesses, you had documents, and you had photos taken by CPS. You had enough evidence.

“Don’t- please.” Logan tried to be humble. “Just take the time. I’ll do what I need to, and you do what you need to. But while you’re here. What do you think of GoJo?” He wanted you to feel a part of it. But he already had his mind made. He was just hoping you’d agree to further his narrative. You stood shocked, looking at Roman, but he still looked nervous for you.

“Uh- I think it’s great… The network needs to modernize and uh- GoJo needs a lot of tweaking. But it’s good.” You quickly put in your input. Logan nodded, looking off as he thought.

“Alright… uh- well. You both could uh- just. Roman do what you need.” He ignored you. You just left with Roman. You were ecstatic. “Did you fucking hear that?” You giggled, nearly jumping as you stood. Roman knew this was off. His dad never cared about this sort of stuff. He never even acknowledged Roman’s abuse. But Roman remembered his gender, Roman’s assault didn’t matter to his father because ‘boys don’t do that’. But he was at least glad you weren’t sobbing. You were smiling.

“Uh- yea… Wow…” He tried to make it sound as big as it did to you. But a lawsuit against average people was something that lasted such a short time with the lawyers they had. It meant nothing. “Hey, but you sure you’re okay? I mean- that was-uh-that was just fucking-…” Roman tried not to offend you.

You nodded with the biggest smile plastered on your face. “Rome- this is the best thing that could’ve happened. This was a fucking gift sent from God him fucking self… I mean fuck! I don’t even believe in the fucker but wow!” You couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous you sounded. “Yeah- cause he’s probably not fucking real.” Roman tried to quickly butt in. “But you know- just… I don’t know.” He dismissed his worries. They were dumb. He should be happy for you. I mean, you were getting something you could only fantasize about. But Roman knew it would come at such a cost. “Look- I love you, okay? Just- fucking- I don’t know. You gotta maybe put yourself first.” Roman tried to express.

“Roman- you have no idea… how long I have been waiting for this. I mean sure Angela and Mick don’t deserve any kind of attention. But this is good. I promise.” You held his hands before pressing a kiss over his rose-tinted lips.

“Alright- I’m just fucking worried- cause y’know… I care and shit.” He almost gagged at the thought of him being this desperately in love. He never saw it ever coming for him. He thought he’d even be single for most of his life or hopping from the next person to the next because they didn’t get him fully.

“Aww- Roman has a cruuuush.” You teased him.

He had a mocking face at you, rolling his eyes. “Fuck off.”

“No- come on- say it.” You continued to test him further and further, but he had walked away from you. He had a meeting to go to. But you didn’t mind. You were just so overfilled with joy. You headed to the break room, finally able to get a sense of peace. Greg hadn’t been in the office to annoy you any longer. He was too busy mooching off of Kendall. But fortunately, Shiv had made her way in to get some kind of weirdly expensive water bottle.

“Oh- uh hey.” Shiv was nervous to confront you. It set in that now everyone saw your victim status. You were fragile. It made you feel weaker for it. “You alright? I mean- I saw what went on. But you okay?” She wondered, taking a seat across from you.

You nodded. “I’m fine.” You couldn’t stop yourself from smiling though. Finally. No more worrying. Just peace. “It was shocking at first, but just- Shiv… it was the most freeing thing ever.” You expressed. She looked at you strangely with a smile on her face.

“Wow- well I’m glad you were okay… uh- did you and Roman want to come over tonight… me and Tom wanted to maybe make you feel more welcomed.” She offered. You felt a warmness fill you, pouting at how sweet of a gesture it was.

“Uh- yea… Thanks, Shiv…” You felt at home. You were a part of yet another family. Granted a very toxic and problematic one, but you had another family. You had lost your little sister to your parents, but you had Jess and Shiv. Shiv never purposely hurt you. Just Kendall. Speaking of Kendall, you wondered how he was reacting to the mess he created.

“Yeah- sure, it’s nothing. Just y’know- I just thought since you and Roman were… yeah…” She sounded disgusted by the thought of her brother in a relationship. “Just thought it’d be a nice thing. Just come by at 8.” She squeezed your hand gently before leaving you alone. You weren’t alone for long before meeting with Roman again.

“Your sister invited us to dinner.” You expressed to him. You were just happy to be involved.

“Oh, fucking great. Now we need to play fucking house.” He groaned at the idea. He didn’t mind being ‘normal’ with you. But he was still upset about the other night. His distain for Shiv came in and out depending on where their hatred lied. But for you, he’d do it.

“It was sweet!” You tried to defend Shiv and this dinner was. But nothing about his family was ever done in the goodness of their heart. He knew it. He did it too. He knew never to trust. Everything was a game. If you didn’t see it as that, you’d lose. Everything was a race. The slowest one was left behind, desperate to keep up. But he was used to it. He never lived a second without being in it.

“Shiv? Come on- she’s literally a fucking uh a fucking killer girl scout. She’s that one girl people always says killed her kid. Fucking-…” He tried to remember her name as you just watched him desperately try to think of insults to throw at Shiv behind her back. “Casey Anthony.” You reminded him.

“Yup. That whore. That’s Shiv.” He made the connection finally.

“You’re being dramatic.” You pushed his concerns away. He was dramatic. It was going to be a harmless dinner. It would’ve been nice anyway. He mimicked your voice, passing your judgment as nothing. He was gonna go anyway. He had to. “Roman, are you going to make me go alone or not?” You crossed your arms.

“Yeah- fucking whatever. We’ll play house.” Roman gave in. You smiled, pressing a kiss over his lips before pulling him off to continue the workday before having to split off at the end of the day. It was nice being able to finally be able to show some kind of affection at work. Or the very least in public. You didn’t need to hide away and sneak around. People were even shocked for Roman. Not that he actually had a partner, but that he was even able to show some kind of affection towards anyone. All of his other partners have had an issue with physical touch. But with you, it was easier. You both read each other's body language well enough.

You entered your apartment, realizing how much you’ve rarely ever been in this space. Most nights you were out on trips or with Roman. And for a brief period, you were with Jess. You hopped into the fairly reminiscent shower. You turned the metal knobs and let the shower head pour out hot water. You forgot how weak the shower head was compared to the nice resorts and hotels you’ve been placed in. You poured your shampoo into your head and scrubbed it into your scalp. You sat there and let the water clear all the soapy bubbles before gliding conditioner through your hair. You spent a while in the shower as your phone blasted music through its speakers. You sang to the lyrics with the passion of a singer on a world tour. You screamed the lyrics, dancing as if you were invoking an emotion in the audience that never existed. “I was enchanted to meet yoooooooou!” You screamed into the wall. Before going into the second verse. You scrubbed your body, holding the loofa as if it were the end of a mic as soon as your favorite lyrics and vibrato of the song came on.

Your phone abruptly died in the middle of another song, cutting your shower short. You wrapped your body in a towel before going to your bedroom/living room. You plugged your phone into the charger before drying yourself off. You put on your makeup shirt, which was an old t-shirt stained with makeup. You sat down in front of your mirror and did your makeup in front of it. You did makeup better without music anyway. It distracted you far too much anyway. You usually put on funny podcasts or YouTube or something dark like true crime to stay focused on your makeup, but you wait for your phone to charge. Along with it being too far and you being too lazy to actually get up and put something on.

You finished up fairly quickly before starting on your hair, styling it simply. You didn’t want to make this as fancy as it was going to be. It was a simple dinner. But Shiv always dressed up in a formal way. You couldn’t imagine her in a regular shirt. Or Tom. You’ve never seen them in regular clothes. She had more reasons to try to remain a ‘professional’ look. If she didn’t she would be seen as less serious as people already took her.  

You finished up before struggling to find something to wear. You just settled on some dress pants and a shirt that you hadn’t worn in months since you’d gotten hired. You had been neglecting your regular clothes as well. You checked the time, realizing how much time you spent before grabbing your bag. You shoved the essentials into it before leaving the house. You ran down to the subway station. You hadn’t been on the train in a while either. It felt strange. You definitely were getting a few stares. You just lowered your head, covering your face with your hair, hoping no confrontation would occur. But 6 minutes into your ride you heard an iPhone camera shutter go off. You looked up and saw a man put his phone down, looking around as if he wasn’t in front of you.

“Sir- can you please just delete that?” You asked politely. He acted oblivious, pointing at himself. “Yes sir, I heard that. Please can you just delete that?” “It’s my freedom.” He said with a snobby attitude. He was clearly some business major douchebag. “Yea- and it’s my freedom to not have men take pictures of me.” You reminded him.

“Is there an issue? Hey man, delete that shit.” Another man who had been standing the entire ride intervened. The man declined before the other guy pressed him enough. “Stupid bratty whore.” He mumbled as he went through the phone to delete the picture as the other guy watched him.

“Woah! What the fuck man?” You rolled your eyes. “Have some fucking respect for the lady.” The other man called him out. You just stood up and went in between the carts to switch carts. You felt uncomfortable being in a space you use to be on daily for 22 whole years.

Thankfully you had just gotten off at the stop you needed to. You left the station, looking down at your phone for the address before making your way over to Shiv and Tom’s apartment. You texted Shiv to let her know you were a block away. You were escorted inside and sent up to their floor. You were greeted by Shiv who was wearing a white pant suit with a black turtleneck. “Hi!” She smiled, bringing you into a hug. “I’m so glad you actually made it. Uh- where’s Rome?” She wondered.

“Oh, I came by myself. He said he’s coming.” You calmed her nerves. She nodded but you pulled your phone out to make sure Roman was actually coming. He texted back to let you know he was in a car downtown at this moment. Shiv just went in on what she had her chefs make you all, but it wouldn’t be done anytime soon.

“Oh my god! I didn’t know you guys had a dog!” You squealed, seeing a large black dog lying down on the ground with a stuffed bear under his head. You walked over, kneeling down. The dog raised his head up, staring up at you with his large brown eyes. “Hi baby…” You said in a soft baby voice as you ran your fingers through its fur and scratched his ears for him. He leaned his heavy head into your small hands as you contagiously giggled.

“Oh-uh yeah. That’s Mondale. He’s mostly Toms.” Shiv tried to interject, but you were fascinated by the large baby in front of you. You always wanted a dog, but in New York, it was hard to have one. Plus, your parents never let you have one. If they did, you wouldn’t trust them around an animal anyway. But eventually, you knew you’d own a variety of pets. The ideas of animals were endless. A dog, chihuahua, Maltese, those cute pug chihuahua mixes, a cat, probably an orange one, a fennec fox, a raccoon, etc. You weren’t the type to think owning such weird animals was okay, but oh my god, they were just too cute to not want one. Realistically you knew the cat and dogs were the only ones you’d genuinely get.

“Who’s a cutie? Huh? You are.” You continued to baby-talk to the dog before finally leaving him alone. “I’m sorry- I just- aww look at him.” You expressed to Shiv.

She smiled, putting her hands up in defense. “No- it’s okay.” She laughed. “I’m sure Mondale very much appreciated the welcome.” She was just happy someone gave him attention. She tried but was far too busy for him. He mostly was attached to Tom or the people who actually took care of him. “Are you doing okay so far?” She checked in with you. She knew your asset value in the company. She did genuinely like you, but she knew she needed to be closer to you.

“Oh-uh, I’m alright. Just a bit of an intense day. I’m glad you invited me over.” You expressed your gratitude. She shooed off the ego boost, wanting to stay humble. But The Roys were nothing close to humble as Roman started his grand entrance into the apartment.

“Sup cunts.” He greeted the room before going to Shiv, giving you a small hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Wow- how sweet of you to show up.” Shiv was annoyed at the term he used against her. It was more so directed at Tom and Shiv than you.

“Fucking cry in your 4000 thread pillows bout it.” Roman shrugged off her annoyance. He was too focused on your well-being and happiness. If he hadn’t, he would’ve never been here.

“You guys are such a healthy family. I mean- I, of all people, should know healthy family dynamics.” You teased both of them, hinting how the toxicity of their dynamic was a bit much.

“Mhm. Exactly. Just like those fuckers from The Brady Bunch. Shiv, which one are you?” Roman played on with the joke. “Rome- ew.” Shiv dismissed him. She was still so shocked someone like you was willing to be involved with Roman. He was awful. And you were well more put together than he was. Maybe it was just an experiment for you. Maybe you were one of those girls who tried to fix other men.

“You’re the one making fucky eyes at me.” Roman tried to defend his joke. But it only grossed Shiv out even more. “Fucky eyes? I’m not making fucky eyes.” Shiv was on the defense. But you were too entertained to stop the arguing just yet. Roman mimicked the look she gave him, standing by his point before you jumped in.

“Okay Roman- enough. Your sister doesn’t want to fuck you. And if you tell me you’ve thought of fucking her, I’m leaving.” You threatened.

“Thank you. Finally, one fucking sane human being involved in this shit.” Shiv was lucky enough that some normal enough was willing to stand her brother for this long. Credit, she’s shocked Roman genuinely even liked women.

“Oh fucking, please. My therapist said I’m perfectly normal.” Roman scoffed. “Your therapist says whatever he does to please you Rome.” Shiv snapped back. You tried to deescalate this before it ended in a very vicious argument where it would upset the other.

“I’m shocked you both even have one. So, where’s Tom?” You asked Shiv. Shiv shrugged before watching Tom come down the stairs just in time to save you from this.

“Oh great. The fucking normies are here now.” Roman giggled. You glared at him. You were slightly annoyed to be grouped in as ‘normie’ based on your upbringing not being extremely rich and privileged. He tried to apologize with a hand hold and kiss on the shoulder though. You had him completely whipped. “Hey- thank you so much for coming.” Tom tried to play it cool as he reached out to shake your hand. You took it regardless. “Tom, we’ve met before.” You snickered at how formal he had been.

Shiv was already on your side. “Yeah, honey. Come on.” She tapped him on the shoulder.

“No- I- uh- I know. I just thought it’d be- uh- just polite to our guests.” Tom tried to save some sort of face, but Roman made it worse as he stood up straighter and put his hand out to Tom. “So glad we could make it. Tell me your name again? Don’t care.” Roman tried to mimic and make fun of Tom, but Shiv would defend Tom against only Roman.

“You were at our fucking wedding dick.” Shiv rolled her eyes, trying to defend her husband in front of you, knowing it’s what ‘a good wife’ would do.

“Hmm still didn’t care to learn his name.” Roman shrugged. “Have a more memorable wedding next time sis.” You were shocked to hear how vulgar and rude Roman could be. Especially to Tom.

“Roman, he didn’t mean anything by it.” You reprimanded him in a soft tone. “Uh- well. Tom how’s ATN doing?” You asked.

But Tom was stressed about other things to even worry about ATN but had to put on a brave enough face for the crowd. “Oh- it’s been just fine. You know… just- fucking trying to dodge the Nazis out of the building.” He accidentally reminded you of the scandal of them nearly hiring a new news anchor with a white supremacy background.

“What? A fucking Nazi?” You questioned. Roman just giggled in the back, watching how terribly nervous and shaken Tom had been.

“It’s such a long drawn-out story.” Tom tried to die down the topic. “When’s the food ready?” Tom was eager to leave this conversation and move onto something else. “How have you been? It’s been a long day, huh?” He sent over his fake condolence. God, you wish people would stop asking.

“Oh- just fine. Just some family drama.” You simplified it to that.

It always felt awkward around Tom. Maybe because he already had someone who didn’t fit into their world. He couldn’t collect all of you. It felt like there was no gain to have, especially with you being a woman. And being so attached to the man who reminded him constantly of his shortcomings.

“Dinner should be ready in 5 minutes. We’ll set up the table.” One of the chefs informed Shiv and Tom. She nodded and sent them off their way. The table had been set up shortly and you were all instructed on when to finally come in. You sat alongside Roman as Tom and Shiv sat across. Plates of food slowly poured through the door and were set in front of you.

“Thank you for having us again Shiv.” You thanked her once again as she grabbed the bottle of wine off the table and began to unscrew it.

“It’s nothing. Don’t stress.” She popped the cork out and poured herself a glass before setting the bottle down for grabs. You poured one glass before passing it around to everyone else at the table.

“Did you see what Kendall said to the press earlier? He’s completely gone ape shit.” She struck up a conversation with Roman. Roman raised an eyebrow, waiting for Shiv to tell him. “He said the reason we have not joined ties with him is because we’re scared of dad and that dad’s using a victim's trauma for views and sympathy.” Shiv laughed at how ridiculous it was for Kendall.

“But you both are scared of Logan.” You pointed out. Shiv paused as if she hadn’t ever been scared of him. Definitely Roman and sometimes Kendall, but she didn’t think she was. Maybe a little.

“Well- that’s just… that’s not why we don’t support him. I mean he’s trying to put us in jail for something. I mean- Tom might even go to prison.” Shiv explained, but you shrugged. You didn’t see any of that happening. Sure, everything was pretty serious, but how long can this investigation go? Why would they arrest the kids who had no say in it? They didn’t purposely hide evidence.

“I don’t know. I think Ken is digging himself a grave. He keeps bringing up victims this, victims that, it’s starting to seem disingenuous. As if these women aren’t a person with a name and life; just victims.” You scoffed at how disgusting Kendall had been. He refused to even say your name. Just saying ‘victim’ as a placeholder instead. He didn’t view you as a person. Just something to profit off of.

“I’m sorry….” Shiv tried to apologize to you. You shook your head, not wanting to focus on it.

“Ken ever since high school has been a fraud. He thinks reading women talk about hating men is a personality trait.” Roman knew this was the best way to remove the topic off of you and onto him and Kendall. “Can you please start reading books to him at night? I feel like he only listens to you.” Shiv rolled her eyes at her brother's sexism.

“No amount of training can make Roman less hateful.” Tom disagreed with Shiv. “Oh, come on. You’ve seen how he’s been. He’s completely pussy whipped. I’ve never seen-“ Shiv laughed at her brother's expense. “Fucking haha. Fuck you. I’m not like Tom.” Roman decided to fire back. Shiv couldn’t help but laugh at her brother's annoyance.

“Rome- It wasn’t meant anything bad. You just now know what it’s like to be a regular boy.” Shiv continued to prod Roman’s insecurities of not being normal. You held his hand under the table for some kind of comfort, looking at him carefully to show him some kind of support.

“Everyone finds their person at different stages.” You defended. “I mean how old were you and Tom when you both got together?” You asked to get off the topic of Roman. This whole dinner was filled with one person being the main target of the conversation to only be jumped to the next target.

“We met back in college.” Tom smiled at Shiv lovingly as he reminisced back at the time, but Shiv seemingly wanted to forget that part of her life.

“Tell them when you both actually met.” Roman incited the story, chewing on his food amused at what the true tale was.

“That’s not- ugh… I was just a dumb fucking college student. Uh- yea it was finally when I was away from dad, so at a party I threw up in front of everyone and Tom held my hair in the bathroom.” Shiv tried to make it seem as though it was a lot harsher than it truly was. Everyone had those phases in college. It was just the college experience. You were a lot worse a few years ago when you started college. You were sneaking into clubs, doing coke with strangers, acid, molly, ketamine, whatever the fuck you were ever given.

“Oh- that’s sweet of him though.” You tried to praise Tom. Tom appreciated that some kind of good intentions were brought into his actions.

“I guess. I mean it was humiliating.” Shiv hid her face.

“No- I mean seriously. If he was some stranger and he took you home to only help you out, that’s incredibly sweet. He could’ve just ignored it like everyone.” You kept trying to push the narrative. Shiv nodded, looking at Tom finally smiling about the moment they met. Maybe it was sweet of Tom.

“I mean- I saw her beforehand a few times. But I finally went to the party she always went to. And her friends- woo- awful people. But yea- they just left her there. So instead of letting her be even more embarrassed, I carried her to her dorm and stayed with her till she was okay. And then asked her out in the morning.” Tom continued to recollect the memories of him and Shiv. Deep down, he was truly in love with her. It just was hard to love her. Shiv put her hand over Tom’s and squeezed it lightly.

“Well- me and y/n met through a hooker website.” Roman lied as if they didn’t already know how you and Roman had met.

You giggled, but the rest of them didn’t. You always found Roman ridiculous. No one understood how you could so carelessly laugh at the weird disgusting shit he ever said.

“Noooo- come on. It was sexual workplace harassment. Remember? That’s what the tabloids say.” You could finally laugh at what was occurring around you in the media. That’s when it hit Shiv and Tom. You were perfect for Roman. His other half. A more stable liberal put-together version of him.

[atrophiedemotion]

Castor how do we. How do we convince everyone in the whole wide world that Ivan isn't a masochistic individual that only wishes to gratify himself. How do we convince everyone that he wasn't trying to kill Till in round 6. How do we convince everyone that he didn't want to do anything to Till in that casino-karaoke-bar and was just trying to comfort Till and himself from what they just had to gone through. How do we convince everyone that Ivan is actually just very mentally ill and has trouble when it comes to interacting others and Till

Good anaylsis posts btw

*cracks knuckles* you came to the right place, fellow ivan understander. that's honestly the main reason i make my analysis posts, to try to express the humanity in ivan. because he is an incredibly written character and all of those mischaracterizations you're describing are so far from the truth it hurts.

at a base level, there’s a whole thing to be said about the way people treat/view mentally ill individuals (especially those with stigmatized disorders) that plays into this (ivan has undesirable traits due to mental illness that many just decide to write off as him “being a freak” and romanticizing/sexualizing it instead of trying to understand) but i won’t get it into that here

i think the thing with ivan is that because he can't experience emotion or express himself in conventional or "normal" ways, it takes proper reading into (cough. media literacy) to understand his character. you can't just watch the content and immediately get his motivations and personality, it takes multiple watch throughs, knowledge of the extra content, and taking his past into consideration to get a clearer picture.

this is true for every alnst character and video ofc, but the reason it's such a big thing for ivan is because his outward personality post meteor shower incident is a fabrication. the entire point of us getting glimpses into ivan's mind is so that we can see that he ISN'T what he portrays himself as. and this goes for more than just his charismatic personality- it goes for the unusual ways he expresses himself.

we see ivan as a contradiction. we see both the 'perfect' person he wants people to see and the extremely flawed person he sees himself as. neither are completely accurate. ivan's view of himself is so skewed it's unreliable. the only way to truly understand him is to put the work in to find out why.

this isn't exactly an answer to your question/plea, but i've been asking myself the same thing for months. ivan is a really complicated character, more complicated than most people care to fully dig into. in fanon (from what i've seen) he seems to fall into two categories: the persona he puts on, and an "obsessive insane freak". both are very baseline things we see, because that's how ivan sees himself. fake on the outside and a 'shitty' person on the inside.

to me, the point of ivan's character is to look past both of those. to question them and his actions, to wonder what his motivations are. once you get to the point of "oh wow, this was all either for the purpose of survival or because he literally has no idea how to interact with people", things become a lot clearer. we just have to hope people can make the effort to read into things, i guess.

(thank you! great ask, i've been rotating it around in my head for like an hour lmao)

[findafight]

Not me writing a prologue for a fic I'll maybe never write about Steve being on the Dream Team lmao. I saw a pro basketball player Steve post a while ago and couldn't stop thinking about it. Anyways-

At the end of March Madness in 1989, the scout for the Pacers has lunch with the head coach of a community college basketball team that somehow made it to the first round before being pulverized. They sit across from each other, the coach seemingly a bit overwhelmed but not outright surprised. That's good, it means Jerry, the scout, doesn't have to worry about him freaking out or babbling too much.

The team captain had caught his, and possibly others', eye. Good layups, a few three pointers, solid defence, and a helluva lot of potential add up to someone to keep an eye on, except they can't because the guy plays for a rinky-dink community college and only had one televised game. The only reason Jerry saw the kid is because the Roane County Community College Ospreys had put in a hell of a fight the past three seasons. Jerry wonders why the hell the kid hadn't been offered a scholarship somewhere...not Roane County. Doesn't matter though, because they're here now.

"so. You wanted to talk about Steve?" Says the coach, August Nearaly, a bit weary.

Jerry nods, sipping his coffee. "Yeah. Wanted to get a sense of him before I actually talked to him."

August sighs. "As a player or as a person?"

Raising his eyebrows. "Is he that different off the court?"

"no! No, not like how you probably think. Harrington's a sweet kid, but also incredibly...well, not weird, but. Peculiar? He's got quirks. Bit paranoid, but not in a conspiracy way. In a 'no one should walk home alone in the dark' or 'hey, where'd John go? He was right here and then I did a headcount and he's not?' kinda way. Y'know? Like, they're all adults, but he does headcounts and worries anyways."

"huh. Oookay?"

"it-- I'm not saying this to rag on him, to be clear. It just too a while to get used to. Honestly, it's been good for team building. Makes them think of each other not as individuals, but part of a unit that needs everyone healthy and whole to work."

"that's good. He's a team player."

"oh yeah. It's not surprising, really. He's from Hawkins." August says the name like Jerry should know what that means. It's a town, sure, but other than that... Jerry's at a loss. Maybe something a few years ago about a fire? "He has most assists in Osprey history. Some of the guys joke that he's allergic to the ball."

"He's good on the court?"

"Jerry. I know you're here because you saw the March Madness game. You know he's good. He'd be even better if he could afford those fancy prescription goggles Horace Grant wears."

"seriously? Why not contacts?"

"don't make them for his prescription. You didn't see his interview? Kid's got thick horn rimmed glasses. Too many concussions apparently. God knows how he tells players apart when the jersey colours are similar."

"shit. That's why he was squinting the whole time? I thought he was just stressed."

He shrugged. "eh. Probably a bit of both. He takes it seriously, but not too seriously. Y'know? Half the guys were shitting themselves from nerves and Harrington stands up in the locker room, hands on his hips, and gives a speech worthy of the most melodramatic underdog sports movie."

Jerry laughs. "No shit."

Waving his hands, August nods. "no shit! He says all this stuff like 'we worked hard...we deserve this...we may not win but let's do our damn best. The worst that could happen is we lose, and that isn't the end of the world. So let's go out there and play some basketball!' or something, his was better, and the boys cheer. Then they put in fifty points to one-thirty."

Jerry winces. "Must have hurt, huh?"

August grins. "No way. One of the best games they ever played. You saw it. You wouldn't be here if you hadn't. They played their goddamn hearts out." He leans forward. "My boys don't have the same facilities as the big universities, or the funding to offer scholarships. They're at Roane Community because they want a degree or certificate but have other responsibilities. Parents or siblings to stay close to, jobs to work, people to take care of. They joined my team because they like playing basketball, loved the game and wanted to spend some of their precious time playing it. They put the work in on the court and off it. And we made it to the NCAA tournament because of it. We put in fifty points against the goddamn Michigan Wolverines! The champs! And they knew that. I've never heard of a locker room after an 80 point defeat so happy."

"seriously?"

It's all pride when Coach Nearaly says "yep. They may not be the best basketball players in college, but my god, they're probably the best team."

"because of Harrington?"

"partly. They all contribute, make sure they do things right. It's not a one man show, that's the point. They rally around him, but they all are part of the team, and know it. That's what Steve makes sure. Why I made him captain."

"So, you think he'd be a good pick for the Pacers?" This is, after all, a business meeting.

August nods, picks at his pancakes. "I'll be honest with you Jerry. You're not the first scout to talk to me about Steve."

"really? Who?"

"you know I won't say. But, between me and you, Steve's Indiana born and bred. His wife's planning on getting some lib Arts degree in Chicago or Indy, and your offer might be the deciding factor for them."

Jerry blinks. "He's married? At, what? Twenty-one?"

August nods. "Just turned twenty-two. High school sweethearts or something. Obsessed with each other." He chuckled, a bit ruefully. "I'm a bit jaded but damn. You mention her name? He lights up like the fuckin Fourth of July."

Jerry whistles. "Honeymoon phase gets us all."

"for almost two years? Nah. It's just love." It sounds a little wistful, coming from August. "Anyways. I dunno if the other team is serious about him, and if they are, they'll probably be disappointed. Kid isn't moving out of the Midwest. He's got family here, and is getting a goddamn elementary education degree. He won't uproot his life for a chance at the NBA. But, if you offer. Well. He'd at least seriously consider it."

Humming, Jerry chews his eggs as he thinks. "You think he'd be up for the lifestyle? The road games out numbering home ones?"

There's an air of seriousness when August levels Jerry with a look. "If he doesn't want to, he'll tell you. You gotta give him time to talk to his family though. This offer? It'll come out of left field for him, even if I give him a heads up. You get that, yeah? You want to recruit a kindergarten teacher to the NBA without any build up. He needs time to process that and then see where the people in his life are at with it."

"I guess it is unusual."

"try being the community college basketball coach getting two goddamn calls from NBA scouts. Thought I was hallucinating."

Jerry laughs, counts some bills for the tip. "Thank you. For your time and insights. Let Steve know I'll call tomorrow?"

"will do. He'll still probably drob the phone on you, though."

"as long as he doesn't hang up!"