#Infjmuslim

[forbeautifulmystery]

I just wanted to ask as an infj and muslim how can handle a toxic family and bad frineds?

Salaam fellow INFJ! Hope you are well isA :)

I’m really sorry to hear that you have had to deal with toxic family members and bad friends. Jzk for sharing your question - another really important topic to address in this day and age! In an ideal world, no one should ever have to face a situation like this. But as we know, life (and the people in it) are a test for us. I applaud you for seeking help with this and not suffering in silence.

Sadly, INFJ and empaths often attract toxic people- those who try to take advantage of their deeply understanding and caring natures.

In fact, this article on ‘how each MBTI handles toxic people’ by Personalitygrowth.com explains that “INFJs can be magnets for toxic people, since they are so compassionate and understanding. Abusive people can often be drawn towards the warm and giving nature of the INFJ. They often try to help and fix these individuals, and might see the good in them. INFJs will give these people many chances and try hard to help them, even when those people are being somewhat abusive towards them. While INFJs will try and help these individuals, they do have a limit though and once it has been reached the INFJ will shut that person out completely. They often struggle with this during their younger years, but as they grow up they often learn to spot these individuals much better.”

After being affected by the toxic behaviours of others we must learn to heal ourselves from the trauma, to stop ourselves from internalising it subconsciously. If we don’t, we are in danger of letting it negatively impact our lives and behaviour in the future. Because prevention is better than cure, INFJ Muslims especially need to learn the best ways to protect their spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health.

So to answer your question, I am going to reference some more articles that have helped me tackle these issues.

a)   Tips to Deal with Toxic People from Islamic and Counselling Sources – a general article on dealing with toxic people, by Islamic Online University blog

b) How to Deal with Toxic Family Members from Islamic and Counselling Sources [Part II] – Islamic Online University blog   

To summarise the article above, here are 11 ideas to aid your intuition and reason in dealing with toxic family members- please read the full article for clarification:   

Live for Allah swt.

Try to show toxic family members kindness and understanding, but also limit your contact with them to protect yourself from their toxic behaviours.

Take care of yourself and know your limits.

Find peace in truth and wisdom.

Sometimes it is best to be silent.

Listen to your intuition and use your reason.

Set and enforce boundaries and keep your distance.

Seek support.

Sometimes it’s best to speak directly to toxic family members.

Do not feel hatred towards toxic family members.

If their toxic behaviour becomes physically abusive, it’s a legal matter that must be addressed.

c)   Dealing with “Toxic” Friends – Mental Health 4 Muslims website

Here are the summary tips from the above, please read the full article for clarification:

Face Your Fears

Stop Being an Enabler

Re-build or Reset

I hope these articles will be useful inshaAllah. May Allah swt reward you for your patience, bless you with strength and ease, and completely resolve this issue for anyone who is facing it, ameen.

[forbeautifulmystery]

Salaam, hope everyone is well isA!

So I got a message from a muslim INFJ who was saddened at the loss of a potential marriage suiter and wanted to hear my take on the situation. I was going to reply privately, but then I realised if I post my reply publicly it may be of benefit to other INFJs and Muslims in a similar position inshaAllah. So here's my reply:

Jzk for your message. I appreciate this is quite a raw situation for anyone to face. But please know that one thing you can count on is that Allah swt will always be there and He swt will heal you with time.

At some point in life we will all face a situation where we try your best to accomplish a task - we put our best effort in, and it just doesn't work out, no matter how hard we try. It could be any deen or dunya-related opportunity e.g. you were sekeing a specific Job, or specific person to marry etc. And even when you tried to keep good intentions, and do halal actions in approaching the goal, it still doesn't work out. So what do you do in a situation like this?

Just as you've mentioned in your question, dua and tawakal (trusting in Allah's plan) will be essential. And I know its definitely easier to say it than to do it, but we need to keep faith that these disappointments were written for us by Allah swt, and it is best for us in ways we can't comprehend yet.

As hard as it is, when things irreversibley don't work out, we have to accept that Allah has a way better plan for us than any plan we could ever imagine.

Sometimes we think something is perfect for us, but it turns out to be the absolute worst for us, or we may think something is really bad for us, when in reality it would be the perfect for us. Only Allah swt knows best through His infinite knowledge. And its by His Mercy that He withholds certain things from us too. Allah swt always has 3 answers to our duas - 1) Yes, 2) Yes but not now, and 3) I have a better plan for you. When we accept what is meant for us will always find its way to us, we will feel at peace.

Going back specifically to marriage searches, I find it's always best to speak appropriately, trust your gut feelings and long term thinking, and approach it logically to avoid any emotional lapses in judgment. And it's important to involve both families from the get-go to avoid any miscommunication or feelings getting hurt.

And whilst it can take time finding the right spouse in today's day and age, it gives you time to bond better with your family and friends, and keep reflecting and developing yourself (which as an INFJ I'm sure you're already doing). I've found that you can never reflect too much on your own strengths and your weaknesses, likes and dislikes, what you naturally can and cannot tolerate well in other personality types. I have found this helps you appreciate your own niche skills and abilities as an INFJ, and discover more about how you interact with others in the present, and potentially in the future. And this will also reveal to you what qualities you are offering to a potential spouse and what you are looking for in terms of qualities in your future spouse.

If you want to hear from some good motivational Islamic speakers who give awesome advice when it comes to marriage searches and life advice, I encourage looking at Mufti menk's videos (he's an ENFJ) and Nouman Ali Khan's videos (I think he could be an INFJ too).

Hope this helps inshaAllah, may Allah swt make it easy for us all to find compatible spouses that are right for us, ameen!

[forbeautifulmystery]

AsSalaamu Alaikum fellow friend! I am so excited to have come across your tumblr page. I am a 19 year old ENFP from London and I have don't know many Musims who are aware of MBTI so its so refreshing to come across your page and see how beautifully you reflect on life. I just have a question..where are you from and how can we connect?! Haha :) #excitedenfp

Walaikum asalaam wrwb #excitedEnfp :D

Just in case you missed it, please see my last reply to the INTJ sister below, please do pm me inshaAllah (so cool tumblr has introduced thisoption now!) #intriguedInfj

[forbeautifulmystery]

Asalaamu alaikum wrwb guys!

Hope everyone is well, may Allah swt keep us in the best of health & iman during these difficult times, ameen!

Sorry for the long hiatus! Just happened to log in and it’s made my day to come back to lots of messages in my inbox, Alhumdulilah :) Just answered them, (please see below posts).

Also, to the anon who messaged me on the 12/06/20, the short answer is: you can't lol. I'm afraid INFJs only officially exist online... jk! Do pm me without anon if you want a serious answer though!

[forbeautifulmystery]

Salam. I am an infj Muslim. And I have a hard time keeping to routines. Sadly salat is one of them. Any advice on how to keep myself longing for salat over again. Because I never keep to routine for more that two weeks

Walaikum asalaam wrwb fellow INFJ muslim! Sorry to hear about your difficulty with routines, may Allah swt make it easy for you, and reward your intention to keep up with and improve your prayers, ameen.

That’s a brilliant question. Salah is one of the 5 pillars ofIslam, and in order to strengthen our relationship with Allah swt it’s vital that we establish our prayer on time and pray with khushoo (attentiveness).

Here are some tips I have found useful in establishing prayer andmake yourself long for each prayer:

1.   Make an intention to pray all your salahs on time, and with khushoo. Make dua to Allah swt to make it easy for you to worship Him in a way He is most pleased with. Then follow the next steps…

2.   Prioritise your daily tasks around your prayers. One way you can remind yourself of the prayer times for your location is by downloading a prayer times app. Then add the prayer times widget to your phone home screen. Now every time you turn on your phone you’ll see exactly when you need to pray your salah, and you can even get notifications when each prayer timestarts. If you struggle with fajir, set multiple alarms for times before or after fajir starts. If you wake up or are awake before fajir time, pray tahajud to further strengthen your iman and make dua to Allah.

3.   If you ever feel unmotivated, remember this Hadith: Abu Hurairah, radiyallahu ‘anhu, reported that the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said : “On every person’s joints or small bones(i.e. fingers and toes), there is sadaqah (charity) every day the sun rises.Doing justice between two people is sadaqah; assisting a man to mount his animal, orlifting up his belongings onto it is sadaqah; a good word is sadaqah; every step you take towards prayer is sadaqah; and removing harmful things from pathwaysis sadaqah.” [Al-Bukhari& Muslim]

4.   Pray in a quiet, clean place, free from distractions. Remember Allah swt inyour heart before you begin your prayer, try and free your mind of any worldly thoughts or priorities. If you find your mind usually wanders during salah, then pleasefollow the advice of this Hadith.  It also helps to say aaoothu billahi minashShaytaan ar-rajeem before reciting any Quran in your salah.

5.   Learn the meaning of everything that we read in each prayer and take time to remember it during your prayer. For example, when you recite each part of your prayer (SubhanakAllahumma..,Surah Fatiha, any surah, subhana rabbiyalazeem etc.) remember the meaning of it in your own language in your head during or after you recite it in Arabic. Read the meaning of what you read in prayer here on pg 23 onwards.

6.  Engage deeply with Allah’s words. On my Islamic course, they taught us that when you read the words of the Quran, remember there are 3 ways of engaging with Allah’s words. The lowest is 1) reciting it as if you are reading it to Allah swt, medium level is: 2) reciting it as if you are reading it to Allah swt and you area ware He swt is looking at you with Mercy, and the best way to engage is by 3) Recognising that the Quran is the Kalaam (Noble Speech) of Allah swt, your Creator, and the very words you are reciting. Allah’s speech is a part of His attributes, and the fact that we can even recite words which can hold His speech is a Mercy and this allows us to experience His intimacy. Another thing you can do whilst praying is imagine jannah on your right, hellfire on yourleft, and you crossing As-Sirat.  

7.   Treat each prayer as a chance to have a conversation with Allahswt. How? By reciting some Sunnah duas when you go in to sujood after reading ‘subhana rabbial Al’aa’ 3 times (minimum). I find it easier to make an album onmy phone and download dua images I find online into it to memorise them and use in sujood especially.

8.   Make dhikr & dua after each prayer. After each prayer, praise Allah swt, send durood on the prophet pbuh and then make your most heartfelt duas (please do keep the entire ummah in your duas). Use any of the relevant 99 names of Allah swt to your situation (e.g. Ash-Shafi (The Healer), please heal me) and pour your heart out to Him. Never be short in your duas, He swt can make the impossible, possible. After that seek Allah’s protection by reading ayahtul kursi and the 3 quls and blowing it on your hands and rubbing over your body, as the Prophet pbuh would do.

As an INFJ, I can vouch that tips 5- 8 have especially helped meimmensely in gaining khushoo. Also in your spare time, reading the tafsir of the verses we recite in prayer is like gold mine for increasing attentiveness and a deeper understanding of the amazing words of our Creator swt. FreeQuranEducation offers lots of tafsir, Arabic and general advice videos that make it easy, visual and digestible.

In terms of other routines, I actually don’t naturally follow a strict detailed daily routine (which is probably more satisfying to higher Si users like my sister and my dad). Instead, I often focus on my main priorities for each day (or week/month if it’s an ongoing project), and work on the most timely and important tasks first. Remember to trust your gut instincts (Ni) when setting tasks. If you feel you are making a mistake by prioritising one thingover another on your list at this moment in time, then follow your gut feeling and change it! I would also advise to try and work on each task *well* before each deadline, so that you can keep yourself calm and use your Se to adapt to change as and when needed - life always has its way of introducing new delays or urgent priorities lol

Hope this helps, inshaAllah.

[forbeautifulmystery]

Salaam aleikum my dear INFJ Muslimah. I would like to ask you a question. Unfortunately, I am not an INFJ myself. I am an INFP Muslimah.I would like to ask you, how to be more logical? I strive with being logical and not take things personally. Criticism and sometimes even jokes feel like personal attacks for me. My close friends even said that they tend to hold back their words when they're talking to me. This is not a stereotypical INFP problems but I am a very sensitive person. Jzkk from me.

Walaikum asalaam wrwb my dear INFP Muslimah! :)

Thanks for your question- another great topic!

The grass always seems greener on the other side, but in reality- as an INFJ I actually faced a similar struggle with my sensitive nature growing up, and still do sometimes! NFs often experience heightened sensitivity to the emotions of others (Fe) or their own emotions (Fi). And because that is coupled with an active imagination, we often feel everything so deeply- which at times is both a blessing and a curse. From my childhood until well into my teenage years, I too struggled with criticism and jokes that felt like personal attacks. However, when I approached my late teens and early twenties, I realised I could work on balancing my sensitive nature by building up my logical/ analytical thinking.

And part of that meant changing my perspective on criticism. The penny dropped for me when I realised that if I were to take criticism as a personal attack, I’ll just get so wrapped up emotionally that I would miss the valuable chance to utilise it for my own growth and development! I didn’t want to miss that gem of an opportunity! So, if I were to instead take what my critics say with a pinch of salt and realise that the critic is handing me a golden opportunity to improve myself, I can begin to associate positive feelings with criticism in general. So next time I would be ready for a positive opportunity as opposed to a negative fatality.

However, when it is clear to you that the criticism from someone is not constructive in any way and it’s just plain malicious, then that’s an indication that the problem lies with the critic themselves, and not with you.

Similarly, when it comes to receiving comments and jokes, for me it really depends on:

1) The meaning behind their words (is it well-intentioned- are they just teasing you to get a reaction from you/ trying to show how witty they can be? Or are they actually trying to make you look or feel bad?

2) How well you know the person (if they know you well, they should know what you will or won’t take offence at, but if they are not close to you it can be awkward)

3) What are they criticising (is something personal relating to an inside joke between you two, or are they actually trying to put you down?)

If someone close to you seems to be taking a joke too far, don’t get upset- it’s often a cry for help when people do that. If you need to, take them aside and just say you noticed they were taking the joke too far, and genuinely ask them if they are alright.

As a general rule for keeping logical as feeler, I like to subscribe to these lovely logics:

In terms of the development of one’s thinking cognitive function (Te or Ti), I think it’s always best look at the 4 cognitive functions for your MBTI and learn how each function will develop over time. The 4 main cognitive functions for an INFP are Fi, Ne, Si, Te, and this wonderful webpage by an INFP sheds light on how to develop Te (INFP’s thinking function): https://infpinsights.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/extroverted-thinking-te-in-infps/

Also this webpage explains what the cognitive development process looks like for INFPs over the years: https://personalityjunkie.com/infp-personality-type-profile/

For others reading this who aren’t INFPs, please check out the same page for your type here: https://personalityjunkie.com/16-myers-briggs-types-personality-profiles/

I have found that learning about this development process over the years has been extremely useful and has trained me to strengthen my thinking function (Ti) better. For example as an INFJ, my cognitive functions are Ni, Fe, Ti, Se. As I began my twenties I saw that my Se developed suddenly, but now in my later twenties I see that my Ti is improving slowly but surely.

Hope this is helpful inshaAllah. May Allah bless us all with the opportunity to improve our logical and thinking sides of our personalities further, ameen!

[forbeautifulmystery]

Assalamualaikum, I hope you are doing well insyallah. I am hoping to seek advice, I find myself being frustrated at the lack of independence at the age of 20. I am hoping to move out although I feel guilt knowing that is not the right thing to do. My parents wants me to do things in a way that does not allow me to comprimise, although I am aware this sounds childish and I lack the wisdom. I truly believe that it is hard for me to learn something without experience and I am willing to make a mistake to be able to learn. What are your thoughts on this?

Walaikum asalaam wrwb Lit-tlelion! :)

Alhumulilah I’m alright thanks, hope you are well too isA.

Jzk for sharing your question. That’s quite a tricky situation, and I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. At some point in our lives we will be a position where our feelings and/or needs are not being understood or heard, even by those closest to us. I know that feeling too well, and it’s just plain awful. However, when this happens, it’s best to stay calm and patient, think everything through, and be careful not to jump into any rash decisions.

With regards to your own feelings on the situation, I can share my thoughts on the topics of 1) ‘independence’, 2) ‘experience-based learning’, and 3) ‘communicating when you are feeling unheard by your family members’.

1)    Firstly we need to consider how you would define ‘lacking independence’. Do you mean that your parents don’t let you participate in particular responsibilities and activities? Or they don’t allow you to make decisions for yourself?  If so, then you will need to strategise a way to clearly communicate those needs to them. I’ll talk more about this in 3).

However, I would also like to suggest another angle to consider- that ‘independence’ can also be a state of mind more than anything else. I know it sounds a bit strange, but I believe it is possible to be independent with or without your family around- the two don’t necessarily have to be at odds with each other. Independence comes from being able to make decisions and uphold certain responsibilities alone, and theoretically you can practice that in various capacities, despite your living situation. Plenty of grown adults live with their extended family members and are able to express their independence (be it through taking responsibility for their own learning, religious practices, work, finances, health, social life, chores etc). And in doing so, they clearly communicate their independent decisions and responsibilities with those they live with. On the other hand, there are also many grown adults who live without their family members, but are still heavily reliant on their family and friends when it comes to making decisions and upholding responsibilities. So essentially, independence can also be a matter of perspective.

On the topic of moving away from your parents, as I don’t know full details about your situation, I can only suggest that you to speak to a local religious scholar about it. InshaAllah they will be best placed to look into your specific situation and advise you on this matter.

2)    On the second part of your question- knowing that you best learn from your experiences does not sound childish or lacking in wisdom at all! We all have different learning styles, and it’s great that we discover what works for each of us. However, as I mentioned in 1), it’s important to bear in mind that experiences aren’t necessarily limited to your living situation. If you feel that you will need wider opportunities and experiences to grow as a person, you should seek them out and express those needs to your close loved ones. Also, life has a funny way of compelling you to naturally learn from your experiences- good and bad, no matter where you go. This quote seems to express what I mean well: “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” – Confucius.

3)    Now here is the tricky part. Getting your family on the same page as you is never an easy task, and is much easier said than done. Your best bet is to hold on to patience, perseverance, and reflect on how to appeal to their unique personalities. All I can suggest is to try and set up some time with them when they are free from distractions and are emotionally available to talk.

 a)    Start by genuinely expressing what you appreciate about them (e.g. it could be their concern for your safety, or how much they have taught you about life, etc).

b)    Then move on to explain how you have been feeling lately (how you have been feeling a lack of independence in terms of x, y, or z).

c)    Next carefully suggest what would make you feel better, and why it would mean so much to you to have these opportunities. Every family member is different, and you know them best – so it’s important to tailor your words and examples to how they naturally think and make decisions, in a way that they will individually appreciate and understand. You could even figure out their MBTI and cognitive functions to help with this too! 

But if that doesn’t work, I’d suggest speaking to another close family member / family friend who can mediate and help your parents to understand your feelings on this better. Please make lots of dua to Allah too- as no matter what we do, it is only by His will that hearts can change.

I pray Allah swt makes your situation easier for you, and I hope these reflections will be helpful inshaAllah.

[forbeautifulmystery]

Salaam all, hope you and your families are keeping well isA. I’ve come back again to discover some great questions on important topics in my inbox, thanks for sharing them!  

To do justice to each of those questions, I will be dedicating some time to reflect and reply back on here soon inshaAllah. Jzk and thanks for your patience. 

Stay awesome :)