#Indian school system being shitty as fuck as always

[daydream-comet]

I'm the only one in my class apparently who can go "oh fuck this shit" after missing out on their biology project, which was apparently today, where we, the entire class, were supposed to but ingredients with our own money, again, for some stupid ass fruit salad that we already had made last year for some pictures in a school magazine. And let's not talk about the horrible management system. Dear god. What is this, cooking class?? They haven't even taken us to the biology lab even once this term, and the lab was supposed to be our project.

Also not to mention it isn't supposed to be project week yet either, so this was pretty uncalled for. No other subject teacher has a announced any projects yet.

[wettangerinedreams]

It was a fucking Thursday night. And I hated Thursday nights they seem so out of place and the idea of a Thursday is always a depressing one. Hated it since school days when there was a lot of shit that needed to be taken care of before the weekend. Unfinished homework, unknown assignments and other unheard crap about the workings of my life in this pointless educational system. All bad things happened on a Thursday night. Or maybe i just gave a lot of importance to these things. I was still this little kid living in a 22 year old body that never really grew up. Never really grew out of her silly trivial fears. Or maybe they weren’t that silly after all. Fuck, I am so confused about myself.

Anyway, it was a thursday night and i was trying to watch a good movie and trying really hard to avoid youtube and binge watch some stupid light hearted content or devour myself into mukbang videos and then eventually hate myself because at the end of the day i neither had the best pork khemi stew or  the best fucking bikini body. Wait, wtf was i talking about?

Yeah, Goaaddamn thursday night. Yes, so i was doing my thing and suddenly i heard a small thud from my store room. Well before you go thinking how the fuck does a middle class indian girl living in mumbai have enough fucking space for a store room? Well its technically my bathroom. Confused? Well lets save that story for later. So i heard this thud from my store room and like every normal kid i completely ignored it. Because A. Im a lazy ass person and B. Its 2am in the night and im a scared lil bitch. Did i mention it was 2 in the night?

A few seconds later i heard another thud, this time it was louder and it felt more like something heavy had fallen down on the floor. So I went to take a look at it. And there was nothing there. Literally nothing, it was so fucking disappointing. All this build up for nothing. So i turned around to get back to my bedroom, only there was no door there. It was gone and the wall looked pretty normal, untouched by any sort of door.

I could feel this sudden cold sensation coming from the inside of my stomach. It almost felt like ice cubes were dangling independently inside my intestines. And increasing in number with every second. I could now feel them in my chest, brushing against my ribs and making that irking sound as they rubbed against them. The tips of my fingers and my tongue were numb but they had this weird sensation. Like when you first taste a fizzy coca cola and it hits your tongue with its fuzzy soda. It felt like that all over my tongue. Sliding all over in a continuous loop.

I couldn’t feel a thing throughout the other parts of my body. And suddenly my entire body bursted into tiny particles. My skin dissaparated into billion a particles of light. Although my conciousness was intact. My being was intaact but my body was disintegrating slowly. I could closely see all the atoms and molecules bursting into thin air. I could see them clearer than i did in my 9th grade science lab. I could now look even more closely and i could see those particles weren't atoms but they were small stars and galaxies. Plants, constellations and pink dusted nebula’s amongst other things. There was giant black hole slowly sucking everything inside it and i could see myself going closer towards it. I reached at the rims of it and suddenly i was back in my store- room. Back in my own body. Back in my own clothes my own skin. What in the fucking world just happened. Maybe my brain was way better at creating hallucinations than i thought it was. The wall was still empty and doorless, i looked around to find that the door was on the other side of the wall. Which made sense since my small mental episode would have forced me to lose track my position.

I quickly opened the  door and got back to watching this really shitty movie about a man lost in a vampire town. Thurdays were really fucking weird. I checked my cellphone and the time was 1 am and the day was friday. Holy fuck, did i just skip an entire fucking day?

I checked my calender and scrolled through the days. It read

Monday

tuesday

wednesday

friday

saturday

sunday

What the fuck had i gotten myself into?  

[lostborderline]

I am a melodramatic borderline with too much feeling and care for my own good. I am characterized by being extremely abnormal usually expressing myself through words or art (preferably realism or portraits), singing, and occasionally creating custom jean jacket patches to make myself look cool. Let me start my blog, or journal, if you will, with a bit about me to give you some insight. I mean, how can you imagine my life if you do not even know who I am? For starters, I am a strong advocate for mental illness awareness as I suffer from borderline myself mixed up with an assortment of others such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, and antisocial personality. I just turned 22, and I have been working in a Dunkin for four years so I have made some meaningful relationships with coworkers and customers although never close. My hobbies include writing freeverse poetry, short horror stories, skateboarding, playing video games (specifically Playstation), painting portraits, and singing + playing guitar. I have always been pretty creative in my life. I suppose all my pain fuels the passion for these creative outlets. My music does not vary a lot. I am very peculiar with music. I love any type of rock or pop music from the sixties, seventies/eighties punk music, classic rock or even boy bands such as the Backstreet Boys. My favorite bands being The Beatles, System of a Down, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queen and Nirvana. I grew up on heavy metal, actually, like Mushroomhead or Mudvayne. My mom actually wanted to try heroin because “Kurt Cobain did heroin”, she was obsessed with him. That should tell you a lot about her. There’s nothing wrong with Cobain, just my mom is literally the epitome of mental health issues. When I was a preteen, I was constantly called a loser for saying no to taking drugs whenever she offered. I never needed drugs to feel like things were okay. I suppose I am a strong person. She was very depressed throughout my life. She’s even overdosed on stuff like oxycontin and Xanax in front of me, I constantly saw her being carried out in an ambulance, leaving me alone at home to cry about whether she was going to be okay or not. She never was a good mother. I feel bad for saying that, I think she really tried, she just had a shitty life and I happened to be an accident so she never really knew how to deal with her consequence. She was more of a best friend than a mother. There is nothing wrong with that, I mean she has always had my back except in times where she thought I was acting unloving towards her in which was not the case. She also has borderline. When I got arrested both times, our bond really played a role in me not getting incarcerated. She helped me make up lies to make the situation seem better than it was. In my defense, my arrests were caused by me standing up for myself. My mom had always dated really shitty guys. She was so desperate for love that she even turned to Indian guys for it, I’m talking, these guys also had a “special interest” in me too (gross). She allowed it, which was appalling. The height of her dating peaked when she married for the second time to a Satanist. Not even a true Satanist, like this guy actually worshipped the Devil, man. He was extremely abusive. He taught me to be very afraid of anger. I can recall him getting real close to my face and screaming in it, followed by taking a whole load of my toys I had and throwing it in the dumpster outside. If I had attempted to go and grab them, he threatened me. He also threatened to hang himself in front of my younger sister and me, not to mention, set my mom on fire. This whole thing went on for like four years. When I was a baby, my mom did not talk to me, like most parents did, so I lost weight. I never really cried either. Later on in life, my mom had a good job, so she constantly bought me Pokemon toys, anything related to that, it was my favorite. Then she lost her job. Enough about her, for now. In middle school, I was bullied for having purple hair, and dressing “goth”. It got to be enough to the point where I really became the bully. I started to go up to guys and start beating on them. I wanted to put fear into them, so I brought a knife to school and then I got expelled. I never regretted it, at all. It changed my life. I was never really bullied again, I actually made friends through fear. I enjoyed it. However, my depression still lingered, most likely from family, so I used to cut myself all over my left arm. I still have all the scars to this day. In high school I would sometimes accept my mom’s offers of ambien, Vicodin, and weed. My personal favorite was ambien, it made me see things, and everything was like you were drunk, walking into walls and such. The effect got to be too much during the trip and I would feel super nauseous and in a lot of pain so I forced myself to sleep. Vicodin made me feel like I was dying, literally. I could not tolerate it. I took ambien so much that it actually stopped working on me, and the only effect I had was feeling nauseous and in that same amount of pain. I knew that drug could really fuck you up too, but I did not care. I have always had impulses including cheating with multiple people. Maybe it has something to do with getting love or seeking a thrill, I think that's it. At one point I had two boyfriends at the same time and disgustingly, I was open about it. When I moved away in sophomore year and switched schools, I became attached to this one guy I met who, at first treated me and lead me on as if he actually liked me. He spent time talking about his previous love, although I did not know who she was at the time. We had sex and then the next day he said we should not talk at all anymore. The day before, he called me his “Snowflake”. I felt so used. The school found out, and the next thing I knew, his previous love bombarded me with messages calling me a whore and how she was still in love with him. I then had the reputation of a slut at school. He made me swear that I would deny ever having sex with him, it was our secret. I got so tired of keeping it to protect him, and I did not want the school to think I was a liar for attention. I had the texts between us, all the proof, so I posted it for the world to see. The day he threw me away I refused to go to school, I wanted to kill myself. My friends found out and called the school, in turn, the school called my mom and she threatened to take me to the mental hospital. I have had this happen to me a few times actually, being used. Not always sexual, either. I was dated at least twice to make their ex jealous, I was just a homecoming date, which was abandoned so he could go dance with his ex anyway. Surprise, the next day I was dumped. Starting to see a pattern here, right. I had this one guy who was always trying his hardest to fuck me but I always said no, I did not want to. His excuse for dumping me was that I refused to tell him who gave me a concussion, in order to protect my family, because my cousin did. That brings me to my cousin. When I moved, I became best friends with him. Also, surprise, he has borderline too. He would spend months at a time at my place, sleeping over. We would pull all nighters watching anime until we had to go to school. When he tried to kill himself, he was sent to a mental hospital, which left me alone. I had nobody to talk to, so I started to write a journal. It helped my anxiety so much. Whenever I had anxiety at school I would open it up and write. I also started to write poetry because of him. When he got out, he made me a bracelet symbolizing our bond. It was a bracelet with blue and red hearts with black beads. I must have cut it at least five times whenever we fought, and somehow I always managed to fix it. The final straw was when he gave me a concussion, I destroyed it permanently and lost the beads. I regret it every day. He was very protective of me, and whenever I dated. He knew I got used a lot. I have had people tell me they never loved me. At some point I started to notice there was something really wrong with me. I must have been traumatized somehow. I suddenly started to make it so my room was always pitch black during the day, I would sleep as much as I could, and I was actually emotionless. I could not feel any sort of emotion; love, attachment, happiness, sadness, any sort of care. It lasted for months. I started to only be awake at night from ten at night to six in the morning during the summer. I would not deal with reality at all. I was never on my personal Facebook, I was always on my role-play Facebook making “friends” with other accounts alike. I only watched anime and that’s literally it. There was absolutely no sense of reality, I never left the house, or dealt with problems. You could not have problems if you were always asleep, right? I was very cynical I realized. I hated people, everyone. Never wanted kids, hated them. I would have disturbing thoughts. Often including gore, or violence. They never really were a problem until later in life. When I moved during my junior year to a totally different state, I was so prejudice of the people around me. I am from the Northeast, and moving down south was entirely new. I had this very clear image of “redneck” painted within my mind, and it was not a good one. It was confederate flag city down there. I literally alienated every friendship I had. I constantly rejected this one guy who liked me and tried his best to win me over. I was very clear one how I did not want friends. Oh, and guess again, I dated a guy who dumped me right after homecoming, and completely mocked me for not wanting him to talk to me while he was under the influence. He also made fun of me for being depressed. I think I was more “myself” than I had ever been down there. I wore the weirdest outfits, I drew more than I ever have in my life, and wrote at least a thousand poems and stories. I focused solely on my schoolwork and was on high honors my entire senior year. I was so proud of myself. Fast forward to post-graduation. I was living with my boyfriend at the time, and my mom had her friend prank call me all the time. She constantly harassed me, I think she was angry that I moved out and started my life. I had to change my number, and to get back at her, I cussed her out and let everyone know how horrible she was. She let my sister do drugs at just over ten years old. Eventually, my sister got taken away from her because she was depressed and started cutting herself. Now, being in an entirely different relationship, I have accomplished so many things, and been through so much shit that is way worse than high school ever was. From being treated like shit at my job, to being in a toxic relationship that I still depend on, my borderline is worse than ever. I have gotten into really violent fights with my boyfriend that have resulted in a lot of blood, broken doors, broken walls, and broken hearts. I am really attached to him, and I could not imagine him being with anyone else. He is just so unsupportive of my mental health, and just does not understand it, despite saying he does just because he looked it up. Sometimes I wish he could go through what I have to. He thinks that you can just stop anxiety. Yeah. Besides still being in love, I also depend on him to be able to use his car to get around. It has progressively gotten worse over the years. From loving each other very wholesomely and spending all our waking time together, to arguing all the time and him being out with his friends whenever possible. I’m trying my hardest. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I could not feel. He comes off as kind of suspicious. He will talk to a girl or send money to a girl and blatantly lie about it and make me seem like I am the crazy one and turns it back on me. He made up multiple stories for one incident, and frankly that makes it not add up. I always end up crawling back to him trying to get him to express his love for me. He has hit me multiple times, and slammed my head against the bathroom floor, causing me to bite my bottom lip and blood started spewing everywhere. My lip did not heal back to normal. My borderline is worse than ever. I am extremely impulsive. My moods are extreme, and never moderate. It’s either I am feeling an extreme emotion, or I am feeling absolutely nothing and empty. Everything is black and white. I either hate somebody and can love them the next minute. It is either a good day or a bad day. Nothing is ever in between, ever. I also dissociate often. What it feels like to me when it is happening is that my mind will leave reality and become very fuzzy. My eyes will unfocus themselves and become blurry and I will be completely blank, as if I am nothing but a shell of a human. Sometimes it happens while driving and can be dangerous. I do realize when I am doing it and eventually try to shake it off.  I feel like I have written enough about my life story, and about me. I did not intend to make a long ass journal about my whole damn self, I wanted to make it short and sweet, but I suppose it is better this way and will give clear insight as to my back story and the reason why I am the way I am. I have literally been typing this for at least two hours now and I am so fucking tired, my eyes actually hurt and itch. I intended to get some game playing in before going to bed but it’s probably unlikely now as I have overstayed my welcome here.  Thank you to whoever took the time to listen to my sob story, and welcome to my journal, and future entries. I also intend to post daily random pictures to also document my life. I figure it would be super cool.  Yours,  Corey

[celestialsunglasses]

would you illuminate more on nick’s DID? tell us about his alters/headmates, headspace, talk about interacting with them? i’m really curious!

I’m gonna anxiously make a preface to this entire response. Because I feel like it’s important to note: I myself DON’T have DID. I can do all the research in the world, but I will never understand what it truly feels like. And I’ll never know everything. Especially since every person’s experiences are different.

So basically what I’m getting at is, on one hand I’m only human so I’ll probably fuck up a little bit, or misunderstand something and get it a little off. But on the other hand if I unintentionally write something here that really fucks up and stigmatizes or romanticizes the disorder without realizing it extremely badly: Call me the fuck out. Preferably privately, and preferably politely. But like whatever works is fine. I’m not trying to worsen the shitty stigmas that already follow DID. Also gonna high-key apologize for not mentioning it enough out of fear of fucking up horrendously like I used to before I did more in depth research (seriously how did I not get a call out for my past bullshit on the first blog or two, fuckin yikes) and kinda erasing it a little. That probably doesn’t help either as far as fictional portrayals of it are concerned. So I’m also sorry about that. And of course if this at all triggers anyone on principle I really encourage doing what makes you feel safest. No judgement.

(( Also: Sorry this took me some days to get to, I was working through anxiety about the above prefacing before deciding it’d probably be okay for me to post it as long as I was open to potential criticism about it. I can live with that possibility. But it’s gonna be a bit long so I’m gonna put it under a read more for dash courtesy, and for courtesy of maybe people who just don’t wanna see it, provided they aren’t on mobile where read mores are usually void. Sorry, mobile users. ))

To be clear, Nick has this from some childhood traumas, and not just from Lucifer. But some alters did form after the later traumas. I’m not necessarily going to go into massive detail on that part of things without a reason because that wasn’t the question. But there were some bad things that happened to him as a kid for this to be a disorder that formed.

So Nick has actually quite a few alters. Thirteen if he includes himself. And he does sometimes include himself. He is part of the system. He’s as much an alter as the rest of them. It’s taken him some time to accept that and not feel overly weird about it as he also considers himself “the original” if he has to explain it to someone. Though he’s not sure he likes to phrase it that way. But people understand it better when he does, so if they ask, that’s what he’ll say.

Of the other twelve alters. One of them is more like a fragment that helped him through some stuff by being really good at her function. He just calls her Mother because she helped in taking care of the baby he had when he was having a hard time getting up to do that because he was so stressed. She’s two dimensional in her ways and for now only serves her general function so she definitely doesn’t come out often.

And there is an alter he hasn’t actually been able to communicate with yet. Can’t find him in the headspace, yet. And most of the other alters are kind of unaware of him too. They’re only aware because Nick’s communicated it to a few of them. Nick only has an inkling because of a familiar voice in certain types of recurring nightmares. That’s how he learned his name. When he fronts, Nick is more likely to black out completely than with nearly any other one in his system. Adrian holds a lot of darker memories and honestly bitterness. A lot of it is from Lucifer. He’s not evil. He’s just angry and kinda taking it out on Nick in his sleep because he’s not sure what else to do yet. He can be very hyper defensive when he’s out. Can come off very rude and yells if he’s mad. Can also be known to get very drunk. Like dangerously drunk. Never stops frowning. Kinda paranoid. But he’s mostly inward because he finds it hard to be otherwise sometimes. He was created during the possession, so sometimes it’s hard to remember he can come out. He identifies with the way the body looks. So he looks like Nick.

And there is also the main one that’s most likely to front if Nick is feeling unsafe and his name is Andy. Andy split off when he watched his family get murdered. He’s there to be able to handle violent situations. So he’s a little intense. Kinda true neutral. He does things for himself to survive because he feels that’s how it has to be. Even if sometimes those things seem to be in a bit of a gray area morally. He’s not doing things to hurt other people, he’s doing things to be able to keep going. He could just as easily do good things, and does when the opportunities present themselves. But if he has to do a little shady business to get by he’s not opposed. There is a line or two for him that he won’t cross. But some things he’s less afraid of. He’s got a couple issues with emotion regulation and can sometimes be known to seem apathetic to a degree. After waking up after Lucifer he fronted primarily for about seven months because he could handle the situation he was in better than Nick could in his very emotionally raw state. He’s very protective of Nick and just wants him to be okay. So he took over for a minute to protect and handle violence like he was supposed to. With therapy he’s gotten a bit better about the way he deals with stuff, but he’s still a bit intense at times. He’s married to Mariah in the headspace. Andy sorta looks very similar to Nick, but he does have black hair in the headspace. Also brown eyes. And he lacks the scarring on his face that Nick has. His skin is alarmingly pale sometimes. He’s a little broader than Nick, more muscle than fat.

He has a primary protector named Mariah. She’s mostly an inner alter these days, and only actively comes out anymore during therapy or when Nick really needs her specifically to be out. And she can come out if asked for once in a while, but she usually needs to be asked for. Whether by Nick, or someone else. Her reasoning is that she doesn’t want to take up too much time of Nick’s life. She’s happy when he’s happy. And she wants him to have as much opportunity to achieve that before she comes out. She does however sometimes co-front to help comfort Nick. And give him words of encouragement, or to help him feel level headed when he’s scared. Nick’s pretty sure she’s the first alter he ever had. At the very least she’s the first he really remembers when he started learning he had DID to begin with in his 20′s. She’s maternal in a way. Kind. Safe and loving. She’s a positive influence in the headspace, she is also the one who protects a lot of the memories that could really hurt him if he was aware of them in an unsafe situation. And she’s a gatekeeper of sorts. Helps put up walls when other alters probably shouldn’t be present either. She’s married to Andy in the headspace. And together they help things run smoothly in the system. She has sharp features, dark eyes, dark hair, and honestly medium dark skin in the headspace. She’s curvy and has a warm smile.

His other main protector is Nina. She is more of an emotional protector age slides between 17 and 24 depending on the moment. She has blue hair, which caused Nick do dye his hair blue a lot in school. She is also kind, if not a little awkward in some ways. She’s the one who comes out if the situation isn’t dangerous to help with his emotions. In the inner world, she kinda protects the littles mostly. Like she would take over if one of the younger ones tried to come out while Nick was driving. Or if the situation wasn’t safe for a kid. She makes sure they’re doing well. She and Andy are the main alters to come out to help more actively than someone like Mariah. She’s much shorter in the headspace, her skin tone is white, but a little more sun kissed than the body’s. She also has a more athletic body type. She has shoulder length blue hair, and is very feminine otherwise.

He has four littles, three of which hold some form of memory or traumatic feeling to varying degrees (Max, Terry, and Haven). One of which holds no trauma memories and is there to be the kid he should’ve been able to be (Lana). One of the kids is blind (Haven), and when he’s fronting, Nick literally becomes legally blind because that part of his brain turns off until Nick comes back, or until someone else fronts. They’re all friends with each other to varying degrees. But Max and Terry are especially close with each other and even share a room in the headspace. The other two kids have rooms next door to theirs. Max is mixed race Chinese and White. He has reddish brown hair, and dark eyes. Haven is Indian, or at least partially so, has dark hair, but bright hazel eyes. Both Terry and Lana are white. Terry has short, curly red hair, and freckles. Eyes are green. Lana has long mousy brown hair down to her mid back and bright blue eyes. They all come out once in a while. And if it’s safe and appropriate timing, the older beings are okay letting them just be out for slightly longer amounts of time to be able to play and talk or communicate before one of the older ones will front for the sake of safety.

There are two not human alters. One is a magical dragon thing who is called Cairo, the other is a werewolf named Alec. Cairo is always an insider, and always has been. He is kind of a dream weaver. He creates good dreams. He doesn’t hold trauma memories. He’s there to help him feel that things aren’t all so bad. That when he can, he’ll help create a safe space even if there isn’t one outside of sleeping. This was a little easier before certain things happened. But he does sometimes still build safe dreams for Nick. Otherwise helps in protecting memories from surfacing in places where it’d be unsafe if he can at all keep one from surfacing. He speaks telepathically in the headspace in that he doesn’t need to move his mouth to speak. And his speech is very formal. Nick knows this is an alter because when he was figuring it out, his voice and presence was very consistent in his thoughts, daydreams, and normal dreams. He’s long and crimson red.

Alec does have some memories. Kinda used to be aggressive toward Nick before therapy and learning to communicate better. Now he’s still kind of pretentious, and not great with people. Can be a bit growly. But he does try, and it’s not an aggressive relationship anymore. Also not a fan of children. He won’t hurt them, but he tries to keep like at least three feet of distance between himself and children, including the littles, when possible because he’d just Rather Not. Does not get the appeal. They make him a little nervous. He’s thicker, and broader. He shares the trait of being blond like Nick, but his eyes look gold because werewolf traits. (Obviously the body is not actually a werewolf. there is no real shape shifting or lycanthropy, but the alter himself can shift in the headspace. And when he fronts if he’s shifted in the headspace, then the alter is more wolfy in personality.)

And then the last one is Victor. Personality based just a little bit on Chekov from Star Trek because he thought he was funny and that kinda helped him through some things growing up, so his head created someone like that. No trauma memories, just someone there to help make life easier. Does have the Russian accent. Nick’s pretty sure he’s 14. He doesn’t really say. the headmates who interact with him tend to at least like him. He kinda helps take care of the younger ones because he gets along great with Nina. They’re good friends. As you can guess, he looks kinda like Chekov from Star Trek.

They communicate primarily through journals that Nick keeps for them. And for a few of them, like Haven who can’t see, or others who might just prefer verbalizing to writing, he does little voice recordings in place of the journal to make sure the system is getting what they need, and to talk through things that might be bothering them, or to check that they’re doing fine. Allows them to communicate with each other through those means. He also kinda sometimes talks to them in his head, or allows them time to front and just Be for a short while. With some rules that they can’t do things that harm anyone or the body when fronting. And preferably not do anything that could get them all in trouble.

The only one he doesn’t have a hand on with communication is Adrian. He doesn’t talk to anyone, and kinda assumes he’s alone and meant to suffer silently. Mostly he doesn’t know the others exist, or that there’s an outlet and is only vaguely aware of Nick. And thinks it’s his fault that things are what they are. Again. Not evil, just angry and without a recognized outlet to talk about it as of yet. He doesn’t even know how to properly talk to Nick outside of nightmares and that’s not really talking. Nick hasn’t figured it out either because Adrian is more difficult to locate and communicate with. He’s trying, though. And sorta getting somewhere because he at least recognizes him now instead of being unsure like he was for a few years there because at times he was very quiet and seemingly dormant. And also the fact his headmates are somewhat unaware as things go. It’ll take some time to fully figure that situation out. If he were to really think about it he’d find Adrian in the space he created when Lucifer wasn’t putting him to sleep. It’s a very blank space. Meant to feel like nothing to give the illusion of lacking feeling. He doesn’t like finding that place. Doesn’t like thinking about that place.

The headspace itself is like a big house. Or a mansion, I suppose. And it has a huge yard. The alters have their own space and rooms to be in that suit them, who they are, and their needs. There is also a cellar that’s locked up, and it’s a little bit like a dungeon thing really to keep particularly bad memories from surfacing at unsafe times if it can be helped at all. Only Mariah has the key to the cellar for now. Everyone at least sorta respects that decision if nothing else.

[lazycock]

Log 14

Why do I call them logs? I’m not a pirate lol. Log 13 was so lame. But I’m still lame. Did I worried that much about my singleness? My forever alone status? Anyways, that’s not what’s on my mind these days. Now that I’m older, I’m more worried about my status as an adult. I’m 23 and I’m still living with my parents with no car and no girlfriend. That’s what I’m worried about. I’m also worried about my professional life in the future. I feel like I’m at a crossroad. A long crossroad. I’m currently NOT a computer scientist as I thought I was going to be. In fact, computer “scientist” isn’t really a thing, is it? It’s called system administrator or programmer or level 1 IT support help desk monkey which is what I am right now. And I’m getting tired of it. I don’t know how my senpais (you still know what that word means, right? Don’t act you weren’t a fucking weeb before lol. I’m less of a weeb now though, but just a little less) I don’t know how my senpais can keep the same job for 2-5 years. Like how is that not driving them nuts. Then there’s a guy that my colleague told me about this morning who has been doing help desk support for 3 years and is NOW trying to become a system administrator. Do I want to be a system administrator? I don’t know. Less than a year ago, I would say yes because of the money and “prestige,” but now? I don’t think so. That means going through boring ass Cisco certifications that needs to be renew every few years. I don’t know if the IT world is really for me anymore and it’s been less than a year I’ve been working in that field. How pathetic. How about programming? I don’t know to be honest. It’s not too bad, but it’s not something I care too much for. The one thing that seem to interest me at all is technical writing. Why? Because it’s more “hipster” as I told one of my friends from the DEP. I was half-serious though. It is less known of a job. I mean, I’ve never heard of this job about a year ago and I like to think of myself as a well-rounded guy. Since it’s less known, that means less competition when studying for it and when looking for a job, but that also means that there’s less jobs for it, it seems. I take a quick look on indeed.ca for technical writing jobs both in French and English, and they always ask for 3-5 years of experience and a bachelor’s degree with knowledge in a bunch of different softwares. Now, getting a bachelor’s degree doesn’t bother me too much I guess if I think it’s worth it. Even if that means 3-4 more years of living with mommy and daddy, but I don’t know if I want to do that. Ok so first, why do I want to become a technical writer? Because it’s more “hipster,” okay. What else? There’s less of a chance for the job to get automated by robots. It’s minimalist. IS IT THOUGH? Well, it’s a job that mainly deals with words. It’s a job that only requires a computer. It’s a job that I could do remotely. It’s a job that’s all about simplifying complex concepts for the lay man. Me, being someone that always like to type out documents and take the time to make sure it’s perfect. The perfectionist in me that always pays attention to the smallest details. Makes this job seem more fitting for me even though I’m good with computers. But so what’s holding me back from going into that field whether by doing a certificate for a year or a bachelor’s degree for 3-4 years? I’m worried about not liking it after all. I’m that I won’t find a job and just drift around like I did after cegep. I don’t want to go back to that dark period of my life. I’m too old for that. At my age, I should know better. I am terrified of living that period of my life again. Absolutely terrified. Should I be afraid, though? Should I take that leap of faith? Should I switch career once again? Would that be the last time that I make a switch? Will I ever move out of my parents’ place? Will I ever grow up?

I could end my log there, but I don’t want to. I want answers. I want to imagine what would future me would say. What would he answer to these questions? Are you in a better place than I am now? I fucking hope so. You better have already move out of your parents’ place. Got a girlfriend now? Please please please stop reading if you’re still a child. Fucking hell. I’m scratching my damn fucking head for your well being right now. What happened to the girl you met at your IT job? Are you dating her? Did you finally grew some balls? Please don’t tell me you’re forever alone. Ok that’s enough. I need answers. Ok so right now, the truth of the matter is that I’m NOT satisfied with my current job. I am interested in technical writing. I want to try it, but I don’t want to fail and end up a loser. I have lost interest in the IT world. Programming is MAYBE something that I could end up doing, but I’m not sure. God why did I have to grow up around fucking losers. Is this what growing up in a ghetto is like? No model of success around you, just failures and losers and depressed motherfuckers. 2016 was shit for so many people apparently. It’s 2017 now, the year of the rooster. Let’s hope things will get better. But apparently, this year is a bad year for roosters like me. When it’s the year of your sign, it’s a bad thing. I have no idea why. Fucking Chinese people I swear. I guess we’ll see if they were right. It’s either make or break I feel. Ok so I just did some reading on the year of the rooster and I don’t know what to make of it. I guess Chinese zodiac like all horoscopes are bullshit. One thing I did enjoy though was finding about a the Trump rooster in China. IT’S FUCKING GLORIOUS LOL I want to visit it. I think I lost my train of thoughts here. Cause now I’m hungry and I want some cookies. 

I just went back and read all my previous logs. God damn I haven’t changed much in FOUR FUCKING YEARS WHAT THE FUCK. Is life really that SLOW? Or am I the slow one (aka retarded). FUCK. I love how much I hated school back then and now I’m seriously thinking of going back again. Well, I was right in that one log when I said that I don’t hate school, I just hate homework and that is very true. I thoroughly enjoyed my time during my DEP partly because of the great classmates I had and partly because I had NO HOMEWORK. It was great! Too great though. I was basically extending my childhood. I mean shit I was going to school from 8-3 like I did during before Cegep. So okay, I think I need to figure the fuck out of something here. Like I can’t just keep on NOT improving myself. This is fucking nuts. What should I do? Well, let’s focus on my career. Career is right now the most important part of my life. It’s what will dictate every other aspects of my life. And RIGHT NOW I don’t like my career. I don’t like IT very much. Though, I wouldn’t say I hate it. I’m just bored by it. Not like technical writing will be so much more exciting. But maybe just more satisfying? That is if I actually will like it, if I get a job, if I go into it. Ok so if I want to move out, get a car, get a gf, etc. as soon as possible, then the best way to achieve all of those things would be to stay in the field of IT and try to move up the latter as fast as I can. That would mean working on Cisco certifications and what not. But I don’t know, I have a bad vibe from the IT world. I have a pretty pessimistic and negative impression of the IT world. Thanks to my colleagues, people on the internet complaining about job hunting sifting through hoards of shitty job ads asking for a high amount of knowledge, skills, and experiences while offering a low salary. Then there’s the whole exporting jobs to other companies or Indians.

I feel like I want to move and become independent just to get a girlfriend. Would I be so hungry for independence if I had a loving girlfriend? Maybe not. Maybe I’d be more okay to stay at my parents’ place longer while being in uni.

If I do go back to uni, I think it’s best that I go for a bachelor’s degree. 1) So I can make my mom proud. 2) So that I have a better chance of getting a job in this barely known field. 3) So that I would have more time to socialize with classmates because networking is very important.