#In case you couldn't tell I'm more of a writer than an artist

[gummy-sugar-souls]

Introducing:

Jayce Young (Or at least how he looked when he first met Audrey)

Benjamin "Blik" Cramdilly's biological father! (He's a scary and scrungly motherfucker)

I decided to make him a human-cat hybrid like the rest of the humanization headcanon art from both @majorpepperidge and @wiirdo (Very talented people whose art I referenced pls give them a follow)

Link to the reference art I used >Here<

Also in this AU, Audrey is Mrs. Cramdily's daughter instead of her pet lol

Headcanons:

-Is the oldest out of the rest of the biological fathers, but was very young when he first met Audrey (He was 20)

-His teeth are stained yellow because of his smoking habit

-He's covered in scars and scruffs due to him getting into a lot of fights

-Swears like a sailor

-Instead of being a stray, he's homeless

-He left both his abusive parents and poverty-stricken home at a young age and never looked back

-Growing up in the streets that were unmerciful really changed him. It made his skin thicker, his instincts sharper, and his viewpoint more worldly

-But because of this, he made a lot of enemies

-Is very anti-authority and is always making fun of those who abuse their money/power

-Had a very Lady and the Tramp kind of relationship with Audrey

-Their first meeting happened when Jayce beat up some thugs who were following Audrey while she was out one evening

-She immediately became smitten, being the naive and hopeless romantic that she was. While he just told her to be more careful, and to scram, never wanting to see her face in this part of town again

-But Audrey was very persistent, and she wanted to know everything about her knight in shining armor

-Eventually, her kindness and genuine personality easily broke through Jayce's walls. Letting him know that she's actually a person that he can trust, and letting her know that he's only a guarded man with a heart of gold

-Mrs. Cramdilly didn't approve of their relationship. Even Audrey's pleas to see reason fell on deaf ears. Mrs. Cramdilly only saw Jayce as some lowly criminal who would break her daughter's heart and steal all their money

-Because of this though, he would help sneak her out whenever they went on dates

-Jayce would often take her on joyrides around the coastline with the motorcycle he fixed up at the dump, or sneak them into a movie theater to watch the midnight showings

-Jayce liked to call Audrey "Princess" and tease her constantly about being a goody-two-shoes who would always try to follow the rules

-They were only a year into the relationship when Jayce was contacted by an old enemy of his, threatening him that if he didn't leave town, something terrible would happen to Audrey

-Heartbroken at the idea of leaving the only woman that he ever loved, but knowing she would be safer without him in her life, he made the tough decision. Without any message to leave behind, he left her early that morning and was never seen again

-He had been too caught up in the fantasy that he made with him and Audrey, but now he had to pay for it

-Audrey never cried as hard as she did when she finally realized that Jayce was never coming back

-Jayce was presumed dead on the day that Audrey found out she was pregnant with Blik

[goodluckclove]

Why Are You a Writer?

So the other day I did the second of my Writer's Refuge interview series, soon to be posted later this week. It went pretty well! It was with an artist on here I admire a lot and it was a really interesting conversation.

Perhaps even too interesting. We got onto the topic on why a person would tell stories, and their answer ended up being drastically different than mine. It ended up sending my on a little bit of a spiral (No fault of yours if you read this, Cass), but I didn't really talk about it with her at the time. You know, it's an interview. It's not about me.

My instinct when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable is to sort of hide away most of the time, but it's a sleepy day in the Gardener household and I think it might help me to talk about it. So below the read more I'm going to get deeper into the question often asked to people in my trade: why are you a writer?

Spoiler alert: it's because I'm lonely.

No real gravitas or dramatics there, I don't think. Little actual literary merit. I've heard people say that they're writers because they're overtaken by stories, just a vessel to the act of creation that can't help but craft narratives. I think that's cool in theory, and it's something I relate to, but I also think it's a mind type that doesn't exist in a vacuum.

I grew up a child of addicts with about a five and eight-year age gap between me and the rest of my siblings. We were conditioned to be deeply loyal to each other and care in the way our parents couldn't care for us, but most of the time my siblings didn't want to play with me. My parents didn't want to play with me. I had a few friends at school, but not many of them were able to hang out with me outside of campus for one reason or another. Throughout my developmental years I spent a majority of my time on my own, just figuring out different ways to entertain myself.

And I felt a fundamental other-ing from the rest of the people around me. I was precocious, considered "mature for my age" (a poison adults have been feeding the youth for generations), but it went deeper than that. I would speak quickly to my peers, joking almost frantically without letting them get a word in edgewise. It felt like they all knew a common language I was never able to learn and never could. At one point in middle school I told myself I was better than them. i don't think that anymore. Now I'm just confused.

As an adult I'm often confused by other people, sometimes to the point of fear. I struggle to stay afloat in large social situations, to look charming and keep the other person placated and talking, making sure they don't realize the fundamental truth that I'm not supposed to be there. Sometimes it gets to the point where I'm so exhausted that I physically can't look at human faces for hours afterwards. They all look like fleshy slugs.

Does that make sense? I say that a lot in conversation with those around me, a constant plea for validation. Am I making sense?

So I write. I write a lot. With no other line of work at the moment I've been writing about 60k words every month for the better part of the last year. And I do it to tell a story I'm passionate about, sure. I do it to process emotional ghosts from my past. But if I'm being honest with myself I know I write to create a connection between myself and the audience. To create a story that someone can read or watch and say "I understand", even if their interpretation is different than my own.

I do it because I'm lonely. And I'm not really proud of that. But it's the truth.

Riley was surprised when I told them this. So are you saying that if you were happy you wouldn't be a writer? They asked. Well, I am happy. I'm also lonely. These two things can exist at once.

But if I had a different life. A more functional family system that would've likely resulted in me needing far less treatment than I currently do. If all that was the case then I might not see the need to be deeply embedded in my own head. The rest of the world might not come off as the threat it sometimes is. But then again, my life and my identity would be so drastically different that I don't really see the point in speculating.

Would I be a writer? Maybe. I don't know. I'd probably have other hobbies.

I don't usually like talking about myself like this. It feels indulgent. A little too skin-less for my tastes. But, as with anything else, maybe someone younger and in a similar state could read me talking in this way and feel an aspect of comfort. If one person does then that would be worth it. I'm glad I'm a writer and I think I'm a capable one. I'm also aware that being a capable writer doesn't necessarily mean you're also deeply neurotic, which is both a comfort and a small point of envy.

If you've read to this point - which, by the way, is an oddity of cosmic proportions to me, maybe reblog and speak a bit about how you became a writer. But maybe be a little honest with yourself. If it comes from a deep well of pain, that's meaningful. If you just want to create a powerful story that people can lose themselves in, that's also meaningful.

You don't need to suffer to be a good artist. That's absolutely not something I believe to any extent. I'm just one of the ones that did, and that's something I'm going to have to work out over the course of the next rest of my life.

I don't know. I'm rambling. Maybe it can be your turn to talk now.

[alovelyburn]

Is griffguts popular? Does Miura knew about the shippers? Was he shocked? You always have sources

It's kind of hard to gage what is and is not popular, especially when you're talking about a community of people that mostly stay away from the main body of Berserk fandom, but here's my general experience and understanding of things.

-In the Western fandom, the vast majority of active fans have what I'd call the western standard perspective: Griffith is a sociopath who may or may not have cared about Guts but if so he still didn't care about anyone else, Guts and Casca are soulmates and he lives for her and hates Griffith, the end.

Now I say active fans because my personal experience with running into people who like Berserk in the wild has been that many of them were fans of Griffith/Guts but unwilling to engage with the fandom at all because, well, of what I just described up there. But of course this is going to vary depending on where you go. In media fandom circles, like artists and writers and such, it's more popular than with say random people on a general anime discussion board.

In more recent years, since the OVAs I guess, there has been more movement around the relationship vs. say when I was in the fandom the first time when there were active efforts to drive fans of the relationship (or even just of Griffith as a character) out of the fandom entirely.

-In the Japanese fandom, there's a much wider variety of views on Berserk in general, and I notice a lot of I guess casual acceptance of Griffith and Guts as potentially a romantic connection. Even just in random threads on 2chan or whatever or replies to news posts you'll see references to it. And if you say go to pixiv or something, or look at doujinshi or whatever, the G/G fans are by far the most active of any pairing fandom, in any case.

And when I talk about things like the casual acceptance even by people who aren't really like pairing fans as such, I'm including things like... how the OVA scriptwriter directly referred to them as having romantic feelings for each other (among other feelings). The writer probably wasn't there pumping his fist and rooting for them to get together, but it was just a thing he knew and understood about the characters. This is kind of unsurprising because Guts and Griffith do have a particular kind of relationship dynamic, and honestly particular kinds of visual design, that are often used in manga or anime to evoke homoerotic relationships. And manga and anime in general has a lot more like subtle or casual homoeroticism than say random western stories anyway.

All of that said, the main takeaway I get from Japanese fandom is that they don't talk about romance nearly as much as English fandom does, and that applies to Griffith and Guts or Guts and Casca or anyone else. Couldn't tell you why.

As for Miura, that's an interesting question. That one 30 page article from the shojo studies book that was the source of the quotes that recently hit the fandom had been partially pseudo-translated before by a fan who said Miura had said he didn't like that interpretation, but they also said they had a hard time with that line, so I've never been sure whether that's actually what he said. At the time that I was told this I was surprised (for reasons I'm about to get into), but also not surprised (for reasons I will also get into).

But the matter became more muddled when Kojion@twitter began posting translations of the same article because there was nothing in there about not liking them to be interpreted romantically... but there was one line that seemed to correlate to what the fan had said that Miura said about Griiffith and Guts (that he didn't like it and liked relationships like rivals), but like, he was talking about his taste in movies at the time? Because he said he liked movies about men's relationships, and then clarified that he meant rivalries and such. So I kind of wondered if they misunderstood the context since they were having a hard time with the line anyway. Can't be sure though, since I don't have the book itself yet.

And now, the reason I was surprised when I first heard that:

-there's literally a line in an interview about how Griffith was designed after people he knew who can't love women and focus on men (romantically or platonically) instead.

-there's also this line where he refers to Griffith as not being one to "fall in personal relationships" with Guts being the exception which like, I understand that he's not saying anything directly, but you've gotta understand the word he used for "fall" is 落っこちる, which is commonly used to mean "fall in love" (actually it is the second dictionary definition, and the first means physically fall off a roof or fail an exam, so you know).

-he spoke openly many times about his interest in gender and sexuality, stated that he felt like androgynous characters should have both male and female love interests, that most androgynous characters in manga fall in love with men, and that he felt like he had to be ready to commit to that if he was going to write an androgynous character (he was discussing the lead of Duranki to be clear. But it's interesting, if you... look at Griffith at all).

-he also listed many lgbtq stories as major influences in his creation of Berserk, including Devilman (one of his biggest influences which is extremely obvious), Guin Saga (which helped create the BL genre and which he has stated was his single biggest influence), Rose of Versailles and Kaze to Ki No Uta (which is literally a classic boylove manga).

-but mostly just because he... wrote the manga. Which I'm bringing up because there are moments that are very difficult to read nonromantically, including a panel where the BoD heavily implies that Guts is in love with Griffith.

The reason I wasn't surprised:

Because it was a 20+ year old interview and he seemed a lot less comfortable with the topic than he eventually became.

One thing I noticed during my time tracking this manga and also obsessing over Miura interviews is that the early interviews are more conservative with his influences and intentions whereas as time went on he started saying yes Berserk is a shojo and then yes, I was influenced by "Go Nagai's style" and then "yes, I was influenced by Devilman specifically."

Basically by 2019 he was out there talking about reading BL manga and such. So even if he had said it, which I'm not sure he did because of the movie thing, I would probably attribute it to not having become comfortable with the topic yet.

Anyway, did he know about it, I'm sure he did.

Was he shocked, probably not given all of the above. He's the one who chose of his own free will to modify the meaning of 渇望 (thirsting/craving) with furigana that says こがれ (crave because you're in love with) in that BoD scene.

No one told him to do it. He knew what the words meant.

[ticklish-touch]

Decided to post my Backrooms chapter illustrations separately. The links to all the (SFW) chapters can be found here:

I really wanted to push myself not just as a writer, but also as a digital artist for this story.

You can read some rambles about my art process for each illustration below the cut.

Ch 1: For this chapter cover, I wanted to do my best to replicate the eerie, sickly vibe of Level Zero. And that resulted me in really playing around with the lighting and shadows in a way that I hadn't before. I also wanted to give it a bit of wonky perspective and feel a bit like an illusion-house.

Ch 2: Lookit this cheeky fucker. Totally isn't a Tower of Terror employee luring you into a false sense of security. 😁 My initial idea for this illustration was to make it look as if the Manager's cuttlefish head was really morphing & bowing out from within the wallpaper. I tried a couple drafts where I attempted to line up his tentacles and facial patterns with the wallpaper patterns. And idk, it just didn't end up looking as cool as it did in my head. (Also hallelujiah for Clip pattern brushes, they helped me make the trim around the elevator.)

Ch 3: Fun fact: This chapter was originally going to be the second half of my hotel chapter. But I'm glad it became its own thing, cause otherwise it would've robbed me of the chance to draw Rags acting like a supervillain in a construction helmet and flannel 👍

also Clip Studio Assets are a godsend, they prevent me from having to draw out an entire freakin warehouse floorplan. I did color it all myself though.

Ch 4: I remember this drawing taking me longer than I would've liked.Then again I've always struggled to draw somewhat realistic-looking water. The shadow off-shooting below the smaller cube pool into the deeper water was actually a complete accident.

And in case anyone was wanting to see a close-up of Lionfish Rags:

And again, Spike and Drake are temporary names for the sake of this AU setting until I think of actual names (for if and when I ever get around to making a Mer-Nautica AU like I've been wanting to). The silhouettes show how big they were when I first saw them in my dreams:

Ch 5: I had visuals in mind for a group of Wanderers/ Survivors since before I wrote this chapter, and grew even more attached to them as I wrote them. I was originally going to just have them depicted here, but I also couldn't get the stupid image of Rags and his megaphone out of my head and decided it needed to be shared 👌

Ch 6: When I tell yall that it was a struggle to get through drawing this. And not because of genuine art struggles; No, because of the pure Lee Panik that gripped my soul when having to zoom in close on Rags' sadistic unhinged Ler face hhhhhhfdhdfjgkfghl-

This was one of the chapters I was most looking forward to writing. It's still one of my favs in terms of pure unbridled ruthless gang-tickling, the culmination of my pred/prey/chasing fantasies revolving around laughter-hungry monsters, along with some good ol Mad Scientist roleplay.

...Oh and the first official introduction of the final antagonist, there's that too 😛

Ch 7: Yall have no idea the absolute childlike glee I felt when discovering that there's a freaking Bouncehouse/McDonalds Playplace level of the Backrooms. But holy hell, drawing the Toon Monsters was more of a challenge than I thought. There's a surprising amount of finesse in depicting that wacky, slightly-unnerving/uncanny toony charm. (Ballpit brush is best brush, change mymind)

Ch 8: Since this chapter was more or less meant to be a sort of mid-series Climax, a hint of what the battle with the Keymaster would be like, I really wanted to push myself with making this chapter cover truly stand out. It was fun to come up with a full-body design for the Court Jester (based on his Wiki interpretation of course), and it was fun to experiment with the ideas I had in mind for his magic visuals.

Once again, Clip Studio assets are a lifesaver, you can catch me actually attempting to draw a rollercoaster or carousel when I'm six feet under 👌

Ch 9: I was both excited about, and dreading, the chance to play around with various different light colors & sources. I wasn't sure how I was going to make neon blues, purples and magentas work in contrast to Rags' color palette, but I'm very happy with what I came up with.

The Dark Sovereign was also a chance for me to play around with chiaroscuro, an art technique that I've always admired (and actually really liked to do with chalk & pastel back in college). As much as I'm a slut for bright colors, I love stark contrasting black & white.

Ch 10: I went through about three iterations of sketches for this chapter cover. I felt like I just couldn't figure out how to angle the perspective of the treeline in comparison to the Giant. I'm still not even sure if I thoroughly pulled off the proper perspective of the greenhouse in the far distance. But once I added all the pretty, spooky fog effects, I became much happier with it.

Unfortunately I do not have a standalone drawing of Naga!Rags. It will definitely happen one of these days.

Ch 11: For this chapter, I wanted to draw a very cramped, stark, foreboding stretch of environment: Basically, a quintessential scene that one would see in the Backrooms if they were wandering through them alone. This is meant to be a much more down-to-earth chapter than the rest, with an air of melancholy and uncertainty. Turns out it actually lined up quite well with some of my own mental and emotional struggles that I was going through at the time.

Ch 12: For the final hurrah, I really wanted to push myself as a digital artist for this piece. (Though that doesn't mean I was about to draw all those goddamn keys from scratch, lmaoo you can thank Clip Assets for that key ring.) I wanted to try and find a way to make the Keymaster the more imposing figure in the piece, despite the fact that Rags is fully powered-up and closest to the viewer. I'm not sure if I entirely succeeded, since my end solution for making him stand out more was "MOAR GLOWY KEYS!!!"

But it was still fun, and very rewarding to get it completed.

Ch 13: I was very happy to finally get the chance to fully render Kenni for this fic. As much as shading his tendrils still drives me up the wall, it felt nice drawing the good soff boi. And I was happy to give an idea of how his Dream realm looks, with all its pastel clouds and close proximity to the Astral plane.

[daemon-in-my-head]

3 & 4 for the ask game!!

Ooh spicy, thank you for the ask!

3. How do you prefer to portrait your Durge? Do you enjoy them in writing or their visuals more? If you're a writer or artist, would you/have you commissioned someone else before? Would you like to, in case you couldn't yet do it?

Honestly I'm gonna say both, cuz I adore both his visuals and his personality. If I draw anything and actually put effort into it/get absorbed in the hyperfocus I usually intend to tell a story anyway and his themes perfectly match what I usually enjoy. With writing it's the same, though I'm ngl it is harder since his head is tackling a lot of thoughts I usually tend to avoid myself. Nevertheless it's still enjoyable as hell.

Haven't commissioned anybody yet but hopefully one day I'll get to do it, broke ass bitch rn for reasons

4. How did Durge come to be? Why them? Was it a vibe you tried to capture or a specific visual you wanted to represent? Did you borrow them from previous works or were they handcrafted for this story you have in mind?

I'm a mmo girlie, the kinda mmo where you are your character. Which is to say, I've never actually did the OC thing before so he's wholly original and crafted exclusively to suit my ulterior motives aka I specifically made him up to suit the story I'm trying to tell.

As for why, well I had no actual OC and my prev Durges didn't quite fit the vibe or the story I wanted to tell.

I love all the marry sues and the unhinged Durges, and I love all the durgetash stuff, doing it myself on the side tbf, but I wanted one who's grounded in reality with just enough whimsy and madness to be an escape and a story that focuses primarily on the torment and contradictions they must've felt, but I found none so I figured imma make my own, hence why i needed someone who can be that person.

At the end of the day, elves, Durge, and somebody who exists so closely to death and is inevitably tied to it, yet desperately clings to an absolute shitshow of a life is a wonderfully heart-wrenching and tragic character. And I'm a sucker for all things tragedy.

Well tbf I had an 'oc' but that was just an unnamed genderless character whom I exclusively referred to as child or young and who was only used for some psychological horror drabbles that never saw the light of day and are more creepypasta than anything lol

[anderstrevelyan]

For the creator one, 3 and 9?

Hi, thank you!! (answering these)

3) How do you prefer to portrait your Durge? Do you enjoy them in their writing or their visuals more? If you're a writer or artist, would you/have you commissioned someone else before? Would you like to, in case you couldn't do yet do it?

I'm a writer and in no way a visual artist, so there will only ever be writing of him by me! I have comm-ed art of him and would love to get more (...but my desire will always outpace my book-publishing salary).

9) How much did Bhaal influence their design or personality in the end? Did you research lore to purposefully get the resemblance or do you just go with the flow and what feels right for the story you want to tell?

Ooh, so this is core to Valas's character concept—since he's the son of my Gorion's Ward from the first two games, Bhaal had zero influence on his physical design (besides engaging with his father's mother in round one of bhaalspawn creation, I guess), but so, so much influence on his personality when he takes an interest in him.

It's what Bhaal's trying to do, driven by hate and spite: see if he can take the son of the spawn who most resisted his nature, remove that son from the sort of quiet, supportive upbringing his father had, and sharpen him into the perfect Bhaalspawn.

Valas ultimately resists during the plot of bg3, but that conditioning is so tangled with his personality that it's an inextricable part of him, even without a formal Urge. He'll always be ruthless, always have a violence to him, and it becomes more a question of redirecting how he uses it, refocusing it to stop causing net harm, than it is a return to who he could have been if he'd grown up with his parents. That boy's gone.

(Research-wise, all I did before playing bg3 was play through the first two games, though I've done more lore research since and especially while starting to write. The Murder in Baldur's Gate campaign and I are particularly attached at the hip.)

[thinkatoryprocess]

Do you have any pre-canon Roman hcs floating around?

Let me see, I know I have some.

I write Roman as an artist a lot, but I do really think that it's very clear he has creative inclinations of some kind. I think writer is as equally strong a case; he did write that screenplay, we know that much. It makes sense to me, as I've said, because Logan seems to think he has more reason than "Roman is weird about women" to question whether Roman is queer. Something artistic or creative would've been some kind of tipoff to a weakness, a queerness to someone as old-fashioned and awful as Logan, and I also see Caroline starting something like that with Roman as a distraction and more subtle coping with trauma than something like therapy. God forbid.

I think Roman read a lot of books as a kid, but there are also a good handful of years missing from Roman's memory because of trauma. He remembers some of the books he's read, but not all of them, and many of them he doesn't remember in full detail. Reading meant people would leave him alone, though, it was an escape no matter whether it was fiction or nonfiction, and it was something to do when he was sequestered by Caroline for any reason that could be viewed as embarrassing. (Abuse, having trauma reactions in public, whatever.)

This one I'm not fully adopting, but I think if you do use the sexual trauma headcanon, I kind of think that Roman went a long time without masturbating in the midst of or the times around the trauma, then had a breaking point moment where it became an almost necessary reaction. He thinks he's owning his sexuality when he does it, but it's still in its own way a trauma reaction in the way he often uses it.

Along the sexual trauma lines, I waffle between whether or not an older teen in his sphere would have been the perpetrator, or one of the Wolf Pack. The two are very different angles, I can tell you that personally. But I don't ever buy into it being a family member, and I don't think it was Mo, either.

Roman desperately wanted a pet but by the time he was old enough to get one he couldn't stop thinking that it would make him look like a huge pussy, so he never did get the cat he wanted. Not even fish.

Roman had a girlfriend for at least two years while in his mid-teens, who he desperately tried to be sexually active with and genuinely liked, but eventually he broke it off out of horrendous shame that he couldn't do anything physical. They talk. Sometimes. Otherwise he doesn't usually have a relationship last longer than a year, max, and Tabitha would have been the same even if Gerri hadn't been a thing. He cuts them loose when he feels like he's disappointing them too thoroughly.

[mailsbylover]

log #0004

for the first time in a while, i feel at ease, and i know it's going to be short-lived, so before i lose my chance to geek about kafka and literature, here's a lengthy log.

i always stood by the argument that academics ruin literature, at least for me, but now i'm starting to realize that my lazy ass would've missed out on a lot of great works and artists, case in point, me thinking that franz kafka wouldn't be an enjoyable author to read about, let me tell you why i was so wrong.

a little about franz kafka is his life was shaped by tragedy. dead siblings, ignorant mother, abusive father, his dreams of being a writer were crushed. he reflects all of that in works that he himself didn't even believe in, if it wasn't for his literary executor and friend max brod, we wouldn't have the chance to know him.

his short story 'a hunger artist' is what i want to talk about. the story is about a circus performer, who sits in a cage to perform his artistry of fasting. crowds of people would gather around his cage to see the artist simply fast, admiring(ig) the gift he had for denying himself food for long periods of time. the artist believed he could go with this artistry for ages, but the impresario had to place limits on how long he could go at this, the period was set to be 40 days.

so for 40 days, this artist was watched day and night, keeping him away from food. once the board on his cage hits the 40 mark, 2 young women and 2 doctors would guide the artist out of his cage to a meal set on a table in front of the crowd. even with the cheering of the crown and the impresario, the hunger artist would be reluctant to break his fast, he fights with all of his will not to be fed. despite all his efforts, food would be shoved into his mouth, and onto the cage, he goes back again.

what the artist felt humiliated and furious by, is how the crowd would dismiss his fast's purity. nothing felt more important to him than protecting the integrity of his artistry.

after a while, hardly anyone was interested to crowd around his cage, fasting was not eye-catching for anyone anymore. so he separates from the circus and the impresario altogether.

hungry (pun intended) for more attention, he joins a larger circus and gets placed near the major attractions. all the attention he ended up getting was from whoever would pass his cage toward the large animals. in a final blow, the circus stopped updating the board that kept track of how long he fasts, and soon enough, he starts to lose track as well.

the artist now has shrunk to the point where his cage looks empty except for a pile of straw. a circus worker pokes at it, only to find out that it was the artist himself, barely alive. the artist tells the worker about how he's not worthy of anyone's admiration, but that couldn't stop him from pursuing his art.

when asked why he had gone that long in the first place, he answers: "because i couldn't find the food i liked. if i had found it, believe me, i should have made no fuss and stuffed myself like you or anyone else".

after uttering those last words, he dies. and later gets replaced by a jaguar the opposite of him. young and healthy, alive.

now, that was something, wasn't it?

'hunger artist' invited a biographical reading. for starters, kafka himself had suffered from hunger, or loss of appetite, due to him contracting tuberculosis at the time he wrote this story.

but on a deeper note, it talks about his own struggles in making art. for one, kafka was denied an artist's life because of how demanding his family was. it was only in the evenings when he got back from his job in an insurance company did he write. not publishing most of it, and asking his friend to burn all the manuscripts he does finish.

more broadly, it talks about any artist's struggles to get recognition and admiration. the impresario forced the hunger artist to break his fast, not because he can't go on more, not because he was concerned about the artist's health, but because people's cheers would die after those 40 days pass. the artist had no say in his own artistry, although he was prepared to starve to death if it meant perfecting the art he practices.

what's more mind-boggling is the reveal of the reason this artist had pursued this art in the first place, and how he wasn't 'struggling' or denying himself any temptation, he simply didn't find a food he liked. there was nothing he fought against, it was simply a choice. his art wasn't appreciated, but was it art to begin with?

the artist is unnamed, and neither is any character in the story for that matter, even the title has an indefinite article, that makes the 'hunger artist' a universal lesson for mankind to make the conscious choice of letting go of the pride that holds us down or living a life always lacking in satisfaction and contentment.

[franki-lew-yo]

Happy New Year to you and @nukeli in my notes, @ultraericthered.

I disagree with the both of you and wow you both wrote to me on Christmas Even you must've been mad. =) In fairness, I am sorry for not tagging "mirrorverse critical". I def should have done that and wanted to. But, thanks for not bothering to actually listen to my argument, so let me go through your own:

"Your argument for why Mirrorverse is so horrible is that Disney allowed and officially liscenced a product where many of their characters get to have reimagined iterations and they all get to interact and play off each other in an original setting with a storyline and lore of its own, a product where the people behind designing and fully realizing it were clearly big Disney fans themselves, and that's somehow blasphemy because fans should only be able to do that in unofficial, unliscenced fan works? "

No. I'm not saying Disney adults shouldn't enjoy crap that was clearly made for them. Believe me, I knew some of that was already the case with Wish and I was excited for it being made for us...and I was disappointed by it. I wanted to like Mirrorverse but it just kept feeling wrong to me and the og post is the wording of what and how it was wrong to me.

I'm saying I find your uncritical devotion to the company, not the writer behind the projects, the company, is sad. It's self-destructive.

I really hate this kind of attitude towards fandom+online criticism as a whole. This 100% unironic "if you're negative = HATE" attitude...that I can at least get because even the most pissy of us don't wanna be surrounded by rage all the time. But, your complete lack or willing to consume any media critically? That's annoying.

-"because fans should only be able to do that in unofficial, unliscenced fan works? "

That literally was NOT what I was saying at all hon. Official merch is fine and a lot is great. Like, a lot. I don't consider official merch itself a threat to fanstuff; what I consider a threat is the higher up of Disney wanting to snuff out fantasy-fan made merch.

I'm glad you two both love Mirrorverse, but i'm sorry. If I can respect your opinion and keep outta your tag, respect mine then.

ALL I see with that game is creativity of individual people wasted on a corporate IPlords who wants to crush smaller artists inspired by them, and even their own workers. Disney does not care about you. Disney doesn't even care for it's own people. Disney wants to own fanworks so that they can profit off you even more than they already do. And, to me, that's just kind of horrifying.

-"OK sure, but I couldn't disagree more."

Are you saying you don't have an imagination? Because A: no. You do have one. Obviously. Liking what somepeople may think is "cringe" =/= no imagination and I SINCERELY hope you didn't take that away from my post.

-"What an entitled attitude, too. "How DARE the big company make something that fans will tend to love when it's done by them -"

We are in a late stage capitalism apocalypse. My argument isn't that Disney DARE'ENT be what it is but that you should use your brains when it's pandering to you and not just like it because 'poepl worked on it whichm means it's good. You are not mandated to like something and your attitude, to me, frankly feels like that's why you do like Mirrorverse. Disney is telling you to like it and you're blinded by this delusion that the company itself is on your side simply because it has Disney fans as it's own writers and artists working on it. I want to be proven wrong on that and believe you're like my friends who also like mirrorverse and the modern crossover disney stuff- people who like the ideas within because yeah, that can be fun, and whom I just disagree with, but given your attitude. I don't see it.

Fan merch is not perfect or even all that good, but it comes from a point of passion. My point was never that fan made = good. My point was I think Disney the company wants control of even that and, when they are hiring the artists who have genuine ideas about crossovers, are exploiting them. It's *cute* of you to call me entitled when you sound like one of the most entitled people ever through your message.

"Fuck all the creative, artistic people who worked on this thing, if they're with Disney, they need to know their place!"

You are assigning shit to me that I did not say/mean. I'm upset on the part of the writers and artists at Disney (btw can you please maybe list some of them out? The mirrorverse artists could probably really use the revenue you're so quick to only attribute to Disney as if Disney itself is the writer of these works.) I believe Wish was made/written with love. Every Disney project is made with love and creativity and I think it's horrible to imply that Wish was AI-generated because it's writing came up as lackluster, if that's what you're trying imply of me.

My issue with Wish, with Mirrorverse, and with a lot of modern Disney projects is at this point the same I am having with Illumination entertainment; and that's not ever that "capitalist = bad"/"idea I don't like = bad writer". For as annoyed I still am at Princess and the Frog, you really go that feeling the the writers were trying and the project as a whole wasn't geared by executives telling the directors "no. You have to do x, x, x, and x because then it won't sell." Mirrorverse had a soul. Wish had soul. Bob Chapek stole both these properties' souls and you're using hardworking artists' work as an excuse to continue promoting the craphole who's overworking them.

My issue is that the fans (artists, creators and writers of these works) care. Disney does not. Disney cares about exploiting you even in the smallest ways and even on small matters like bad bootleg merch that's in no way a threat to them. Because it isn't.

My issue with the two of you is that you hate criticism and see my post as some kind of threat to your special interest. No. It's not. I never even tagged mirrorverse. This is a rant meant for me and for other likeminded people like me. Speaking as a woman who's defended and still will defend Frozen all these years - YOU are coming off as the most entitled, zealous people. You are creative. And you love Disney and obviously like Mirrorverse and Wish where I don't; unlike the artists behind these products, you don't have room to complain about being disgarded or treated like AI cuz I don't like your writing or Disney's handling of your writing- you're just a butthurt fan.

Presuming the both of you ever read any of this, I don't like the insinuation that my own bitching and moaning it hurting the hardworking writers and artists personally just because the fans of these overall products love them and I don't. I really don't like my personal criticisms being hurled at or treated like an attack on the people who are real artists. I know that's not what I'm doing. You could have just blocked my blog or chosen to just not read the post the moment this post opened with "I hate mirrorverse". You didn't. You engaged and now I'm engaging to tell you that I disagree.

I hate Disney's Mirrorverse so much. I have no words for how much it legit ticks me off and how I think it's an insult to even compare it to Kingdom Hearts, which isn't high art but was at least trying for something.

Kingdom Hearts, House of Mouse and other crossovers that really aren't all that good in retrospect but I find fun AREN'T 'better' because they're from my childhood and so couldn't be garbage. No, they are. The issue I have with Mirrorverse is the same issue I have with that awful Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers movie:

it's Disney selling you you're own fanfiction premises and making it so you don't have to think or be creative, snark on, reinvent or just have with these properties yourself. You have to do it under the lens of something they can sell to you.

Kingdom Hearts was only ever trying to sell you itself and the current Disney thing at the time, which was what was expected of it. House of Mouse was hokey fun with the Mickey gang and the catalogue of classic characters Disney had, which is why so many people like it. It's all made for money and profit and brand recognition come on Disney has always been this way it's what Walt would have wanted.

Mirrorverse is wearing the skin of a heartfelt fan design project to sell you a sandbox game where Disney makes your favorite characters OP Overwatch ripoffs, not you.

As YMS put it, Chip n' Dale is putting on the guise of being self-aware which actually just being references and mean interpretations of it's own characters. The Lonely Island was wasted.

And they're doing all this more than ever to have a deeper stranglehold on their fandom which they know will fork over money to them no matter what. That's what's not just slimey, like it's always been, but sinister about modern Disney.

I refuse to use that asshat Steven Crowder image meme here. You legit aren't changing my mind.

[averyauthorship]

About my current project (queer people of color and romance!!)

Hello there! If you couldn't tell, I made this blog is to promote my writing, especially the novel that I am currently working on! I decided to pin some information about this book, just so y'all can understand it some. (I put a break in here so it wouldn't take up my whole blog so make sure to click to read more!)

What is it about?

It is a YA romance featuring Sam, a college sophomore, and a guy named Link. A lot of the plot centers around TTRPGs (specifically D&D in Sam's case) and how they bring Sam and Link closer to not only each other, but the other people in their lives.

Who am I?

I'm a recent graduate who wants to become a librarian. I majored in English and double minored in journalism and linguistics so language is kind of my thing. (Ask me to nerd out about phonetics and I will.) I'm a cosplayer and an artist, as well as a writer. I live in Maryland but, some day soon, I plan to move to Seattle. If you have any more questions about me, feel free to drop them in my ask box!

Why these characters?

I've never really seen myself represented in a book. I have characters whom I relate to on a deep level but I've never had a character with my background. That's where Sam comes in. While she is not me, we are both asexual, masculine-attracted women. We are both biracial with a black dad and a white mom. Seeing someone like me in a book is a huge motivation for writing this.

As for the other characters, it was important for me to have a fat guy as the love interest (there is NO REP for larger guys in YA) and I wanted this book to be a safe space for other underrepresented people besides myself. I hope folks can see themselves in my characters in one way or another.

What is the setting?

Copper Haven, New York. Sam and Aria attend Copper Haven College. It's a made up town in Central New York that is shamelessly based on where I went to school: Ithaca, New York. (Ithaca College Class of '22!) I like writing what I know!

What are some of my inspirations?

Rainbow Rowell has probably influenced my writing more than I care to admit. Her style of soft YA romance is exactly what I'm going for in my writing.

Another book that made me think that this might actually be possible was "Cemetery Boys" by Aiden Thomas (@aidenschmaiden). That book, despite being an urban fantasy, is just so unapologetically representative of the author. I thought that, maybe, I could do it too.

Other specific influences (either on my story or writing style) include Sharon M. Draper's "Out of My Mind," Rainbow Rowell's "Attachments" and "Fangirl," and "I'll Be the One" by Lyla Lee. There are more but I can't list them all! It would be crazy!

How much is written?

Not a lot. But I'm through with the planning stages and I've drafted out a couple chapters. This book has been bouncing around in my head since 2020 so I'm excited to get writing. Of course, I won't look for a publisher until it's written but, in the meantime, I'm excited to share my progress and get as many people hyped up as possible!

[autisticcassandracain]

Opinions on Joey Wilson?

Ooh, interesting, since I do have some fanfic ideas about Joey but I haven't started any yet! This'll be more core aspects of his character, maybe mixed with 'how I'd write him':

1. Joey's a Nice Lad

He's just a nice lad! Canon keeps trying to make him evil or jaded and it doesn't work because he's, at his core, nice! It's literally his defining character trait right up until he goes evil for the first time. He's a relentlessly gentle, kind person. He finds his mom tortured, after being taken hostage to force her to cooperate (a situation that directly mimics the biggest trauma of his life) and right before they break out, he takes the time to tell her he loves her. Like that's just the kind of person he is. He's kind, and there's nothing that can change that.

2. The Throat Cutting Incident Changed His Life

I mean, duh? But seriously, it's something I've talked before, but the throat cutting incident was the changing point of his life. Pretty much all of his current characterization and insecurities can be traced back to it. It affects how he sees the world on a fundamental level, and I don't think any version of Joey that doesn't consider how this has impacted him can work on any level.

3. Joey has Self-Esteem Issues, and They're Ugly

Joey has severe self-esteem issues that are born from internalized ideals of toxic masculinity. Joey has canonically stated that he connects masculinity with violence and toughness, and doesn't consider himself masculine enough. While we've never seen these ideals be externalized in canon, there's no real reason to assume they couldn't. If Joey ended up expressing those self-esteem issues to others, it's likely to be via uncritically expressing ideas of toxic masculinity. It's something that would've been great to have seen him work through, but I'm unsure whether Marv Wolfman (and maybe Perez? IDK exactly when he left as a writer, I didn't pay attention), like, realizes this was problematic, lmao.

4. Joey is Alienated from his Family

Joey's main character conflict is the way his gentle nature clashes with the harshness of the rest of his family. This had lead him to feel alienated around them, like he doesn't belong, and is, in a way, inferior to them. I think he might feel like he isn't really good enough for them, since Phobia's 'deepest fear' revelation featured his parents dismissing his importance. This affects all his interactions with them.

It also, albeit indirectly, affects his interactions with the Titans; you can go several ways with this, but personally, I take the fact that he's been absent from pretty much all group bonding activities to mean that he's still rather uncomfortable with actually being close to them. While I do think Joey feels at home with the Titans more than with his family and considers them a kind of found family (and this is pretty much canon), I also think he probably has a bit of a case of Imposter's Syndrome and is (perhaps unconsciously) wary of alienating them the way he feels he has his family. This last part is pure speculation and personal interpretation, so feel free to disagree, but if I were to write him, this'd be a point of characterization I'd try to keep in mind.

5. Joey is a Sensitive Artist(TM)

Again, duh, but this really does colour how he sees the world. He's had this internal monologue about wishing he could create music as poetic as the sounds of the city, which really struck me as a great character note. Joey sees the world as an artistic canvas that he is constantly trying to capture and recreate. Any writing about him should reflect this.

[goodluckclove]

John Green's Thoughts on Adulthood: A Post-Mortem Analysis

So I was thinking about the time years and years ago, back when writer John Green was more active on Tumblr. Someone asked if he would ever write a book about adults, and his perspective were that adults were boring.

There's mixed physical evidence online. I remember seeing it, the first line of the ask was captured on a Buzzfeed article from 2013. I couldn't find the actual ask, because from what I've heard at some point John Green was torn apart with such intensity that he is now just a collection of atoms. And I don't hate John Green. I liked his books when I was also young. I watched the VlogBrothers. If I met him in an author space I would thank him for introducing me to NaNoWriMo when I was in middle school.

And then I would ask if he was doing okay. Like - emotionally? Because the shit she said in that ask is some of the saddest I have ever heard in my life. I'm using this Wordpress post as a reference of the rest of what he said and I just want to go through why it's just such a fucked and dangerous thing to say as an author who advocates for young people.

Follow me!

“Would you ever write a YA novel where an adult plays a key role? I know you like to leave the focus around the teenagers and their “peer relationships… but I was just wondering if it had ever crossed your mind.”

That was the ask. Fairly reasonable! And John Green responded immediately with the following:

I mean, to be totally honest with you, I don’t really give a shit about adults.

This on its own is a massive self-report. Not to any sort of crime or character flaw. In my mind, it's part of the reason why I feel like a point where big enough online figures, writers included, either need a PR team or a LOT of therapy. But he continues.

Like, all of my friends are adults. My spouse is an adult. My parents and brother are adults. I know and like many adults. But I don’t want to write for them. Or God forbid about them. They’re just so…boring. It’s like, “Oh I have a mortgage. I buy six pairs of identical khaki pants at a time. I take care of children and watch the television program CSI.” I admire people who can make that crap into the stuff of interesting fiction, but…yeah. No.”

I am angry. I am very angry. If someone said this shit to me in person I would make a face. If we were sharing a space with anyone under the age of 21 I would immediately say "you need to shut the fuck up right now jesus christ".

The thought of a writer who really made his whole brand caring for youth telling them that their future is inevitably dull and unremarkable, especially when you deal with themes of suicide and mental illness, is actually one of the most artistically unethical things I can think of at the moment. I understand that John Green struggled with untreated OCD for very long time, so there's a chance this could actually just be him voicing an intrusive thought that honestly terrifies him.

But he's wrong. We know this, right? Including the adults on here who complain about the tedious aspects of adult life? We know that in a majority of cases it is generally better to be a legal adult than a minor? If you are someone who would go back to being in high school because you maybe had less responsibilities, are you really prepared to lose bodily/legal/societal autonomy?

Like I struggle in life. Sometimes I've struggled a lot. But at my worst, when I was unemployed and flat broke and I couldn't even sell my blood because I took Lithium, if someone told them they could magic me back to being 16 years old again I would scream in their face until they left.

Also, I have a mortgage. It's not boring. Mortgage and insurances are, in fact, pretty confusing and something you have to learn and research. The most boring part about my mortgage was the thirty minute meeting I spent signing paperwork, and once I did that I owned a house with my wife.

Young people who see this - there are going to be boring parts of your life. That's a thing that happens, and sometimes you'll actually be grateful for it. You aren't boring for being thrilled that there's a sale on khakis if you're buying them for a theatrical production, or donating them to a war relief effort, or you're using the fabric, or if it allows you to save money and time in a way that means you get to have a smoothie or something later.

I cannot speak for the experiences of people with higher support needs than I have. But I did talk about this to a friend with higher support needs, and they agreed that being an adult rules. There is a point in which you are no longer an extension of your family or upbringing and it is your life.

It's not always fun. It's scary and confusing and lonely. I had to learn a lot of what my parents never taught me. Adults are always learning things. But since I graduated high school, the only boring period of my life has been the times where I overworked myself into a breakdown and was forced to recover.

And, considering where John Green is now, that kind of explains his perspective a lot.

I hope he figures stuff out. There's no age limit to having to figure stuff out. We're all going to have to do it a lot in our lives.

[holocrypticocs]

You're alright I guess :p

Just kidding, you know I love you (in case you couldn't tell from my unsolicited ask yesterday)!! You're such a talented artist and writer and unbelievably good friend :) I love you duder! I'm so proud of all of the progress you've made art-wise, and I know it's only going to get better!! I'm so excited to keep being a part of this journey

Wow guys look at this fuckin dweeb. What a NERD. :P!!!

Lbr lbr I love you too! So much!! Maybe even more than The Mind Electric so you know that means something! Compliments hit me like tennis balls on a brick wall (bounce right off), but thank you, broseph!!!

[treadmilltreats]

The Con men and the Killer

I am a true believer in everything that happens for a reason and I know that the things that have happened to me were so that I could write about them to help others out.

This weekend I watched the new Netflix movie about Ted Bundy with Zac Effron, it was from his girlfriend's point of view.

How she felt being in love with a man who was a monster and yet she didn't see the signs and didn't want to acknowledge the red flags because she was so in love with what she thought was this wonderful man.

I feel for her as I know what it's like to be taken in by a con artist. When you are at a low point, when you are vulnerable, when your self esteem is so low, you can fall victim to men like these. I was obviously lucky that the man I dated wasn't a killer but who knows? What does it take for a person to snap? I was just lucky that I listened to God's voice, that I got the signs I needed to run before I got in too deep.

When I found out how many women, this con artist had taken in, I was shocked. These women were strong, beautiful, intelligent women who also got caught in a web of lies and there were so many of them. It was unbelievable just like in the Ted Bundy cases, where many, many women fell for his stories, for his charm, for his lies and that cost them their lives.

I came to realize that there were so many victims of a man who has no scruples and obviously no heart, just like Ted. I can tell you that the lies one man can tell, can hurt so many people and have such a ripple effect on others. How does "A man" do this and still be able to look himself in the mirror each and every day is beyond me.

I remember thinking this when he gave me  "a gift"  a cross, something that has such symbolism to a person, and he said he had it blessed by his Priest. Come to find out that he bought it as a gift to another woman and then ripped it off her neck in a fit of rage and had the nerve to wrap it up and present it to me with the same story?

Then as he got caught in his lies, as I threw him out in the middle of the night, on his way out the door, he stole back his "gift" and I came to find out he gave it back to the first person he originally got it for, with an apology?

Yes, you did not read this wrong, people I can not make this shit up!

It is incomprehensibly, you are shaking your heads just as I was. Who does this kind of thing? Sociopaths do, men like this con artist and men like Ted Bundy. They tell you what you need to hear, want to hear, crave to hear and then they use it to lure you in. To make you trust them, fall in love with them until they are off to their next victim.

It blows my mind how intelligent, self supporting women, like me and many others can fall prey to men like this...but it seems like there is a pattern, a method to their madness.

 Most of these women were just coming out of a horrible relationship, they had low self esteem, they wanted to be wooed, they needed someone to say all the things they have been longing to hear. 

Yes, these types of con men know your weak spots and play right into them. They make you think that they can't live without you and that the world revolves around you until your head is spinning and BAM!! they got you.

It is only then that you start to see the red flags and then you choose to ignore them because at this point you are so in love, you no longer can see straight. 

But I'm here to tell you that yes, there are signs, there are nagging feelings you can't get rid of, there are things that don't add up but you again choose to make excuses for them and for him.

Ted Bundy's girlfriend says the same thing, she has a feeling but she loved him, she couldn't imagine a life without him so she kept believing his lies.

When you get to this point one of two things happens, you either run through the red flags while they are slapping you in the face and pretend they are not there or you realize that all of these nagging signs are real and you dig deeper to find out the truth knowing that staying in this relationship it will only get worse. Ted's girlfriend digged deeper and was actually the one to turn him in to the police, she knew that the lies didn't add up, she was brave. 

I am not a better woman because I ran away at the first sign of his sickness. No, I was just at a different place in my life, I knew what I had just came out of and I knew that I would never go back again.I knew that I would never let a man treat me like less than again! I was determined to have learned my lesson the first time and not repeat the same mistakes twice. I also had my girls, that I love more than life, to think of. They saw 16 years of a man treating me like crap, what did I teach them? And now that I was out what did I want to teach them from this?

So no, I was not a better woman, I was just in a better place to walk away.

You need to know your worth and you need to take a stand and not allow someone to treat you less than. 

Even if that means you will be alone, it's okay. Please, please listen to the warning signs, they are always there.

I am so blessed that this has happened to me and have written that before, why you ask? What could you possibly be grateful for meeting and being taken in by a con man? Well, I have met two wonderful women, that he also conned. I have now become more than ever, a loud voice for injustice. I will continue to speak out and help pull up women from their self depreciation, to constantly tell them they are worthy and that they can do anything they set their minds to. These are the lessons I've learned from this.

So today my friends, I am here to say that I will not stop until we all hear, see and feel the warning signs and are able to run away on our own. Until then I will be here to help you and even carry you, if I have to, to be the best you can be.

Be the change you want to see 

@treadmilltreats 

Be the change you want to see"

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

https://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Disguise-Revealed-story-faith/dp/1074340493/ref=sr_1_19?keywords=the+blessing+in+disguise&qid=1561392004&s=books&sr=1-19

***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise 

Selling on my website:

Http://www.treadmilltreats.com

And on Amazon.com

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