#Im so glad I physically wrote these down first or else these would be far more disjointed

[otome-on-the-side]

Obey Me! Language HCs

uhhh I was talking to some friends over on discord about angels and thought “Oh I have angel and demon head canons I wanna post!” but then as I wrote them down, it was entirely about angelic and infernal language and how the characters of OM would relate to that so uh. more under the cut 

starting out strong with the idea that MC had some spell work cast on them to better survive and be able to do school work at R.A.D., as well as being able to communicate with everyone involved in the program; thus anything they read or hear is translated into their native language.  

Lucifer is the one that crafted and casted this spell on MC.   

Both Angels and Demons have their own languages, but both are convoluted as hell and would take multiple human lifetimes to learn 

This means that the brothers aren’t monolingual, as most of them were originally angels*. I couldn’t tell you how many human languages they’ve bothered to learn- (Leviathan is deeply interested in translations due to being a self proclaimed otaku, Satan loves dramas & mysteries ((which are genres that can pop up in any language)), Mammon seems like the type to pop up ANYWHERE and be down to gamble, i could go on)  But I can say with confidence they Definitely Know Some**.  *Satan is the obvious exception to this rule, but I feel like he would either learn it from his brothers, or, as an angstier option: the trauma of fall would cause the brothers to never teach satan, though when his siblings slip into celestial (something very rare, and only done when tempers are high and they’re flinging war trauma at each other), which leads him to feel even more hollow and an outsider within his own family  ** I can say with 100% confidence Belphie and Beel Do Not speak english and just use magic to understand most human language post fall. Belphie was probably really interested in the idea pre-fall, but those feelings soured quickly post the fact. Neither of the twins really have much business in the human realm other than to cause havoc. or

Hell (I like to think of the Devildom as the capital of the entire realm, rather than the whole) and all of its levels technically have one language but uhhh. man does it have a large amount of regional variants. It’s like that Italian map of variants of the word pussy down there

you can throw a couple of demons together and they can shoot the breeze (argue) about language semantics for aaaages 

It’s for the best that the majority of the demons MC speaks to are: - the brothers (infernal is their second language ((aside from satan, but i feel like he learned along with his brothers))) or - Diavolo (Who probably had Proper Grammar pressed onto him & a speech tutor growing up) and - Barbatos (Who unnervingly always sounds unaccented, neutral, and polite no matter who he speaks to)  It makes it easier on the translation spell MC has and keeps any confusion over slang minimal. 

The brothers first language is definitely celestial 

Mammon’s the one, out of all the brothers, that spends the most time with “lesser” demons due to his vice of gambling- this means that he’s picked up the most ““improper”” infernal out of anyone in the main cast. Thus, due to MC’s translation spell, he has the most discernable accent. There is no one “demonic accent” but his use of slang is clear even though a spell filtering his speech. It still clings to him even when he speaks human languages, but when he’s serious or upset his angelic accent creeps in [i.e. becoming notably more Proper TM as a result of caster bias: aka Lucifer]  

since they’ve fallen, the language has drifted a little; it’s hardly noticeable to the angels, but it gets a little comical when Luke talks in celestial to Simeone and the brothers are like “[squinting] What are you even Talking About??” 

Luke initially wasn’t even remotely interested in learning infernal when he first joined the exchange program. He’s slowly warming to the idea as time goes on, however. 

Simeon knew a smattering of infernal- you can only pick up so much when you’re only able to visit here and there and actively reside in the celestial realm- but as the exchange program goes on, he gets the hang of it faster and faster. Phone menus where especially hard for him at first though :< 

Out of the purgatory hall, Solomon knows infernal best, thanks to his long standing pacts with multiple demons, and the fact that he enjoys spending time in the devildom, and with both Asmodeus and Barbatos. Though, occasionally he’ll say something that Sounds right to MC and their translation spell, but in infernal, its weirdly phrased enough to make Asmodeus snort with laughter. 

[illfoandillfie]

Welcome Home

Pairing: Roger Taylor x Fem!Reader

Summery: Roger’s delayed getting home from tour.

Warnings: SMUT (18+),but it’s like light smut lmao,cock warming,morning sex,just like some fluffy bullshit really

Words: 2326

A/N: Been a lil minute since I wrote Rog and I kinda missed him. this idea came to me last week and wouldn't leave me alone lmao

Taglist: @laedymoon​ @dtfrogertaylor​ @vee-ndetta​ @atomic-watermelon​ @kellypenac​ @labessieisallama​ @deakyclicks​ @jennyggggrrr​ @drowseoftaylor​ @hannafuckingsucks​ @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​ @queenmylovely​ @supersonicfreddie​ @taron-egrotten @johndeaconshands​ @borhapbois​

It had been a couple of months since you’d seen Roger face to face. The biggest downside of dating a rock star was dealing with his absence. Everyone seemed insistent on dragging him away from you, often to the other side of the world. You took comfort knowing he missed you as much as you missed him, and that he was leaving you to live out his lifelong dream. What could be more important than that? When he was away, he called frequently to check in with you. You’d laugh about whatever drama he’d had to endure during rehearsal (though privately you were sure he exaggerated) and then you’d tell him all about what he was missing back home. But the further into the tour he got, the more the calls changed. Gone were the long conversations that unpacked every minute aspect of your day. They were replaced with long conversations that answered the question how was your day? in the first five minutes and dedicated the rest of the time to talk of possible ways to celebrate his eventual return, growing steadily filthier. The problem was that, having moved in together, you’d become accustomed to a certain amount of physical intimacy that you just weren’t getting without Roger there. You missed being able to startle him by laying ice cold hands against the back of his neck, missed cuddling up with him on the couch. You even missed the way he’d pinch your bum as he hugged you, laughing when you squealed in response and batted his chest with your palm. Of course, you missed the sex too. He’d always claimed to be a good lay and, so far, he hadn’t disappointed you. It wasn’t always easy to unwind after a long or hard day of work without being able to grab Roger by the hand and pull him into the bedroom for a few hours, and sometimes the forced abstinence just added to any tensions or stresses you were already dealing with. Plus it was nice to have someone you enjoyed having sex with, who liked making you feel good, and it kind of just sucked to lose that. So being stuck with nothing but your imagination soon had you desperate for Roger’s return and he seemed to feel the same. By the end of the tour you’d abandoned all pretence and we just having straight up phone sex every other night, Roger locked away in his hotel room, you wherever you’d happened to pick up the phone – bedroom or kitchen or lounge room, it didn’t matter.

There was some mild embarrassment at the thought of what may be said of you if anyone were to overhear. Things mentioned in the heat of the moment often seemed silly after you’d hung up, the fog of needy lust subsiding. But while you were on the phone you couldn’t care less who heard what, as long as Roger was there, listening to you, describing his own ideas in response. It was good that Roger had just as large a disregard for anyone else’s ears as you because you were sure one of the boys would be in the room next to his, probably able to hear everything he said. Perhaps if they’d been able to hear your voice, your moans, you would have been more concerned, but you were alone on your end of the line, free to be as loud as you liked. And when you were lying in bed, one hand shoved down the front of your pants, listening to Roger describe how he wanted to fuck you, loud is exactly what you were. The hand that wasn’t pressed to your clit held the phone held tight to your ear, as if loosening your grip would shake you loose from Roger himself.

“Christ I miss your cunt,” he groaned down the line, the sound of his hand sliding over his dick audible beneath his words, “tell me you miss my cock,”

“God yes Rog,” you whined, a little startled by just how much you meant it. “Miss how you fuck me. My fingers are fucking shit compared to the way it feels when you fill me,”

“Shit, love. The second I see you I’m going to slide into your pussy and just stay there for as long as I can.”

“I’ll squeeze down on you,” you warned, not in the mood to think about being full and unfucked.

“Good. I’ll cum in you and then stay there until you’re squirming and begging and I’m hard enough to pound you. Fuck you so loud the neighbours complain. Might even keep myself stuffed inside you until I can start round three.”

“Jesus Rog,”

“You like the sound of that? Being my own personal cock sleeve?”

“Mmhmm, so much. You could live in me. Just stay inside me forever, fucking me and pumping me full of cum over and over.”

“Fuck. I can hear how wet you are.”

So it usually went, or something similar.

But, unfortunately, your most recent phone call was nowhere near as fun. Roger had meant to be home by six. You’d been excited and spent the afternoon getting things ready. A nice hot bath with your favourite scents, fresh sheets for you to ruin the minute he walked in the door, a bottle of wine for afterwards. It would pair nicely with the steaks and sides you’d prepped – all easy and fast to cook as soon as you’d recovered enough. You even put on some of your nicest underwear. Not your fanciest lingerie because it was likely to be torn in his haste to undress you, but it was a matching set and one you knew he liked. But six o’clock came and went and he didn’t walk in the door. Enough time passed that you’d gotten cold waiting in just your undies, so you’d thrown a robe over the top and settled in front of the TV under a blanket. But it was hard to relax when you didn’t know where Roger was or why he hadn’t come home when he said he would. After a few more hours the phone rang and you raced to it, slightly worried you were about to hear something devastating. You sighed in relief at the sound of Roger’s voice but he didn’t have much time to chat. He rushed out an explanation for his being late – something about a weather delay and missing luggage – and then hung up again. A little upset at having to wait even longer to see him, and that your night had been ruined, you fixed yourself a quick dinner, leaving the steaks for the next day instead. You didn’t change though, just in case, your head flicking towards the front door at every little sound. It was late when you finally decided to call it a night, stumbling up to your room, not even bothering to change into pyjamas before you slipped under the covers.

The next thing you knew was being woken by someone climbing into bed next to you, the chill of his fingers making you shiver as he brushed hair off your face. You cracked an eye open, but the sun hadn’t risen and it was hard to see more than a vague outline, Roger’s quick apology for waking you confirmation of who he was. He felt you move to try and get a better look and softly told you to go back to sleep. Instead you waited for him to finish undressing and then shuffled closer, reaching out for him. He let you wrap your arms around him, repaid you with a soft kiss.

“You’re home,” you mumbled, not fully awake.

“Finally. Sorry I’m late,” his voice was low and rough and comforting to hear, right beside your ear, undistorted by connection issues and distance, “Fucking terrible night. But I’m glad to see you again.”

“Not quite the welcome I’d planned,” you said through a yawn.

He laughed softly and kissed the tip of your nose, “Me neither.”

“I got all dressed up and everything,”

Roger raised the blankets into the air, peaking under, trying to see what you meant, letting out a low whistle and a “now I really wish I’d been here sooner,” though you weren’t convinced he could actually see the set through the grey black of the early hour.

You laughed sleepily and raised a hand to stroke his cheek as he fell back to the pillow.

“I was thinking about you the whole way home,” he broke off to yawn, “Had to have a quick wank halfway across the Atlantic,” he yawned again and let his eyes shut for a moment, blinking them back open to look at you with a hint of his cheeky grin.

“Remember when you said you’d fuck me as soon as you saw me,”

“Not sure I have the energy for that. Don’t think you do either.”

You hummed in agreement, the sandman tugging at the corners of your brain, but there was another idea there too. Something more insistent. You tightened your grip on Roger, adjusted yourself to be more comfortable, pulled his head closer to the crook of your neck, able to feel his warm breath on your bare skin. “Kinda want you inside me anyway, Rog.”

“Really?”

The more you thought about it the more you wanted it. You’d missed his presence in the house, the smell of his shampoo and his cigarettes and his aftershave all mixed together, the way his laugh could fill a room, how it felt to sit in the backyard on a warm day and listen to him plucking at one of his guitars, the way he smiled when he said he loved you. And now that he was back all you wanted was to keep him close, listen to his every breath, feel his hair tickling your neck, the scratch of his stubble before he shaved, his warmth seeping into your skin. Just lying beside him wasn’t enough. You wanted to drown in him, completely and utterly surround yourself in him. But that was too hard to explain so early in the day, when you’d had only a couple hours sleep and he seemed to be running on even less. So you replied with a short, “Mmhmm,” lilting upward, and dropped your lips to the top of his head.

“You sure?” his question was an exhale against your throat, fingertips dancing closer to the waistband of your knickers.

“Positive. Just for a bit, please,”

He stifled another yawn as he pushed your underwear down, letting you kick them off one foot as he got rid of his own. There was a pause as he ran his hand along his length in long lazy strokes, a needy whine caught on the tip of your tongue as you waited. But it died there, replaced by a gasp as he pulled your leg over him and slowly sunk into you. Your fingers tightened where they lay and you felt his groan as vibrations against your throat as he filled you inch by inch.

“You okay?”

“Perfect,” you whispered back, “Welcome home.”

Roger hummed and breathed deep, taking a moment to wiggle into a slightly more comfortable position, hitching your leg up a little higher, tilting your head down so he could find your lips again. You saw his eyes flutter shut as he relaxed into the pillows, content to just stay like that until he could summon the energy to do more. You let your own eyes shut too, relishing the way it felt to be stretched around him, listening to his breaths slowing down and evening out.  

It was Roger’s groan that made you stir. An almost desperate sound, though he tried to keep it quiet. Slowly you blinked your eyes open, trying to tell whether Roger was awake yet too, or whether the noise was made in his sleep. You could see him clearer now, the bags under his eyes, the ruffled unkempt look of his hair. Your leg was still slung over him, slipped a little from where he’d placed it, and without thinking you made to move it back. Roger groaned again as a small gasp left you, the full memory of what had happened the previous night returning to you. It was weird, waking up so full, but not unpleasant.

“Y/N,” he sighed, “you up?”

“Mmhmm,”

“Love, do that again and we’re going to have a mess to clean up,” he warned, softly.

“How long you been awake?”

“Not long. But you’ve been clenching around me a bit in your sleep and I’m so close.” The last two words were almost pained and you briefly considered moving, letting Roger go so he could calm down sufficiently. But you were comfortable and happy wrapped around him and the memory of your phone calls nagged at the back of your mind, “You can let go,”

“What?”

“I’m… what’d you call me…your personal cock sleeve? So let go,”

Roger stared at you, eyes wide though still tired looking, as if he couldn’t believe what he’d heard. But, when you didn’t take it back he leaned in to kiss you, rocking his hips against you slowly, letting out a low noise as you felt him empty inside you. You kissed him in return, stroked his cheek as he calmed down. Just for a moment you let your eyes slip shut again, basking in the feeling of it all. When you looked back at Roger he was still staring.

“I love you,”

“Good, I don’t plan on letting you leave this bed much today,”

“Sounds good to me,” he laughed softly, following it with a hiss when you intentionally clenched on his sensitive dick again, “wait, wait love, give me like another minute.”

You apologised and settled for another kiss instead, leaving a few extra along his jaw until he was able to make good on his earlier promises.

[someone-always-cares]

[image description: a q&a for the webcomic someone always cares. full desc under the cut because its long and wordy sorry]

post chapter 3 Q&A

first - previous - next

thanks for yalls questions!! it was fun to answer! if anyone still has questions feel free to ask whenever i am always 100% down to ramble. even if i did go slightly off topic in some answers

additional: went off topic with the hair question a bit. their bright hair is all part of the transformations. regular hair dye does exist though. best way to tell is that if the eyebrow matches the hair its probably not dyed. also, quartz’s hair is naturally ginger.

also for more on ages, check out the character bios here

also was gonna keep this in the tags but thought i might as well actually try to answer it: the question i found it hardest to answer was someone the song one. my taste in music is. a mess really. ive been listening to like the same 5 songs on repeat all day. more under the cut because i was rambling again and now its uhhh half 1am

if it helps at the time of answering that specific question i had home by cavetown on repeat, and that song reminds me of both rami and lewis. but that may be because i project onto those two a lot, and as a aro trans dude. who sucks with people skills, yeah of course i love that song.

specifically the vibes of like not knowing how to communicate (rami is fine with his friends but other people are different), the lines “ Turn off your porcelain face, I can't really think right now and this place, Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane” idk what the porcelain face line is supposed to mean but im picturing it as like. a mask. that you need to take off and stop hiding and rami does tend to hide when hes feeling upset, and the next two lines kinda could tie into that, like the feeling of when youre overwhelemed and just want the world to stop so you just hide somewhere. also the colours could go with chapter 3 with the chromatic abberation.

also the bit with “ my eyes went dark, I don't know where, my pupils are, But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here” just kinda sums up ramis whole hero thing with his powers and all. anyway this has turned into less what songs rami would like and why this particular song reminds me of him and lewis (lewis specifically has the hair cutting/chest hiding, [big transmasc mood], and also messy haired trainwreck who doesnt know who he is yet. also the ghosts bit)

i did end up picking upbeat songs because ramis a dude who like to try and be upbeat even if things arent. even if hes not really feeling it he will pretend to.

[full description: Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: “hi ily!!! do characters like quartz who have colored hair have that naturally or did they dye it?”

“its both natural and not! while most supers can do a magical girl ish transformation, including a change in hair colour, there are some exceptions.”

theres two small full body drawings of rami, one in civilian clothes, one fully transformed.

“if a superhero were to have a biological child, the child will inherit the powers of the parent(s). however, the child will not inherit the full transfromation. they do inherit any physical transformations, but not the outfit.”

theres a drawing of a woman in blue, quartz’s mother, fully transformed, holding her mask in her hand, smiling down at a much younger quartz as a child. hes smiling back up at her with the same blue eyes, pointy ears, and blue hair, but hes still in normal clothes.

“in the case of quartz, both of hisparents had superpowers, and he inherited those powers and the physical transformations.he can also pick and mix whatphysical traits to change.“

next is a headshot of adult quartz, his face split down the middle with one side having hair and eye like his mother, the other like his father. theres a list of traits from each parents, blue hair and eyes and pointy ears from his mum, and purple hair and eyes and pointy teeth from their dad.

 “Anonymous said to someone-always-cares:  Are all the characters the same age? If not, how old are they? Are they irl friends or just superhero friends?”

theres some headshots of rami and his team lined up with ages labelled: cam is 15, rami himself is 17, lin, mateo, and dante, are all 18, and cap is 20.

“rami and xandra were somewhat friends before she got superpowers, so when, after the incident with her old team, she found rami had developed powers, xandra stuck close to him. their other teamates started off as superhero friends but soon turned into irl friends too”

theres a headshot of lewis and jade. theyre both 17

“when lewis first decided to start being a vigilante,jade quickly found him and decided to help train himand offered to be a mentor of sorts, as they both have similar powers. that quickly derailed.”

“ cinder5555 said to someone-always-cares: How long does it usually take to make a comic page? I'm curious because they're so freaking good that they must take FOREVER”

theres a drawing of myself, a fluffy hair tired bastard in a hoodie, smiling

“Thanks! Ive been doing this shit since like 2017 and i still have no idea how long it takes me. i can get a page done in a day if i have nothing else to do or if its a simple page, but if i have work then maybe 2-3 days? i spend like, most of my free time doing this.“

another drawing of me, now looking frustrated muttering “how the FUCK does time work”

“but i can never do it all on one sitting.i will inevitably get distracted and zone out daydreaming mid drawing so its very hard to get an accurate read on how long it takes. so however long a piece of string is i guess“

the only qustion not from tumblr is a discord message from RuneStone Cabin:

“Q: Can you talk about the incidence of superpowers in this world? Like many people are supers, which powers are more or less common, how long they've been a thing for, stuff like that. Also does Omen know I'd die for them “

theres a drawing of omen pointing at a date circled on a calender marked “decembuary”, theyre saying “i know. i already wrote your death in my calender.”

then a giant wall of text reading: “Supers have only existed for a relativly short time, since the early 1940s. momento mori was the second person to have ever gained powers.

Only a small number of the population are supers! the chances are higher in more populated cities, but unusally london has oneof the higher percentages of supers. while nobody in universe has any idea of the origins of superpowers, it does seem that powers are more likely to occur in people who would actually use their powers.

as for what powers are most common, after making a badly catagorized spreadsheet of every superpowered character ive made for this world (70% of which will probably never even be seen), turns out that elemental powers are the most common. although not all elemental powers manifest as the straight up 'controling this element' as seen in characters like lin or tsunami. for example, iris's powers would fall under shadow elemntal powers, but theyre a lot more weird that just controlling shadows.there are some abilities that have never been seen before,such as ressurection or full on time travel (aka anything that could bring a character back to life), but powers are certainly allowed to toe the line eg healing, powers involving undeath, immortality, pausing or manipulating time.

aside from that, anything goes. you could get plain old superstrength, but you could also get the ability to create dogs with your mind. other not quite rules, more guidelines are that supers are immune to their own powers hurting them (unless they were pushing themselves too hard), although the way the imminuties occur may be inconvinient to the super.

while some powers may be 'more powerful' than others, powers dont really get to be way underpowered or overpowered in comparision to others. sure being able to talk to animals may feel a bit useless compared to someone who can lift 4 tanks at once, but nobodys going to end up with a power like 'can turn into a goose but only once' or 'can grow toenails twice as fast' or 'if i sneeze i can change my hair colour'. at the same time, youre not going to get someone with the power to snap their fingers and level a city, or instantly blow up the moon or whatever.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: I love rami PLEASE tell me his favorite song(s) and why. I will die for you”

a drawing of rami saying out loud “i dont really have any specific favourite song, really? i just listen to whatever sounds catchy and then listen to that on repeat for hours until i hate it. i guess i do like upbeat songs? ones that make you feel happy even if the lyrics are sad”

“ un1c0rnhh said to someone-always-cares: tell me,,, please,, cam,,, are they a cat person or a dog person?? ily"

theres a drawing of cam a metre away from a cat lying down. she has her arm out and is making ‘psspsspss’ noises at it. end id]

FUCK i am so glad i didnt hand write all of that, it would have been a major pain in the ass to write it all and then have to transcribe all that next. but nope i could directly copy paste the asks and word answers. cheers if anyone made it this far down. if anyone wonders why this is uploaded late, you know now.

[messthatuwanted]

Melodramatic Opinions: The Louvre

it’s physically impossible to not like this song and i will hear no arguments. The sound was literally created around the concept of good feelings. it’s happiness in a song. god bless. I talked about the recurring mention of summer in my Hard Feelings and Liability analysis but it’s the most important in the Louvre because it’s the only song in the seasonal trinity (hard feelings, liability, the louvre) that doesn’t look at summer in hindsight. This IS the infamous summer the other songs are referring to. We have the luxury of experiencing the story as it’s happening. I’d say The Louvre is the core of the album. Every other song revolves around it, content-wise. “Summer slipped us underneath her tongue” being the first line of the song lets us know that this is the season where it begins. The whole song sounds like what summer feels like. It’s light. It’s warm. It’s floaty. I see yellow when I listen to it.

“I overthink your p-punctuation use. Not my fault. Just a thing. That my mind do.“  She could’ve just said “punctuation” and it would’ve fit perfectly into the melody but “p-punctuation” disturbs the rhythm the same way it disturbs her mind. One little detail like the way her crush writes their texts has her all caught up. The little relatable details of the obsession pull me into the story.  THIS SONG IS SO FUN TO SING “A RUUUUuUuSH AT THE BEGINNING!” i feel so giddy like I’m twirling and can’t stop. someone get this stupid grin off my face immediately. And that’s exactly the mood she’s feeling. the highs of infatuation. “Bright lover you’re the one to blame, all that you’re doing. can you hear the violence?” I LOVE THE CONCEPT OF ASSOCIATING THE HAPPINESS HER LOVER HAS CREATED WITH VIOLENCE. What’s the violence? Her heartbeat racing. The thumping that was steady and light so far is now picking up rapidly and intensifying. It’s louder now because it’s magnified by the megaphone to her chest!!!! Brilliant! The best part of the song by far is “broadcast the boom boom boom boom and make ‘em all dance to it.” That is literally the role of a songwriter. You have to put your vulnerability on display for everyone. Take whatever you feel in your heart and make a bop out of it for us commoners to enjoy. And that’s exactly what she did. It’s what every writer does but I’ve never seen anyone put it so bluntly. She’s talking about us, not to us. It’s almost mocking us like “Let me throw a bone to them. Here’s my heart. Dance for me you peasants.” And we willingly obey. It’s a power move without intending to be. Like!!!! Are you listening!!! She interrupted the song!! To say that she’s writing a song!!! And then has the nerve to bet that we’re enjoying it!!! And then layers this narration over mesmerizing harmonies and a compelling, increasing, thumping heartbeat effect creating the most exciting and sonically pleasing part of the song!!! So in that moment we cannot deny for a second that she made us all dance to it!!! Can you believe this shit? The boldness?? The confidence?? THE AUDACITY???? Oh my God. WIG! “blow all my friendships to sit in hell with you” STOP SHE’S GOT IT SO BAD FOR THIS PERSON I WANT TO DIE “They’ll hang us in the the Louvre. Down the back, but who cares? Still the Louvre” this is so Lorde-specific. if anybody else wrote that lyric and sang it, it would have been awkward and out of place. But because Lorde is the queen of creating a mood with aesthetic, it works. I think “down the back, but who cares?” is so Pure Heroine with the whole ‘we don’t completely belong here with the cool kids’ thing. Their love is great enough to be recognized in the Louvre but they’re still no Mona Lisa. Lorde downgrading her importance in comparison to others but with genuine pride! is something that defined her artistry in the past and I’m really glad she hinted at it even just for one lyric.  OKAY I KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE (still I fall) IM JUST A SUCKER WHO LET YOU FILL HER MIND (but what about love) NOTHING WRONG WITH IT(ooohhhh) SUPERNATURAL (ooohhhh) JUST MOVE IN CLOSE TO ME, CLOSER, YOU’LL FEEL IT COASTING A RUUUUUSH asdfngklrjd she cant even properly fit all the words into the syllables needed. She’s cutting herself off. It’s like her thoughts are running faster than her mouth. Her mind is racing. The “move in closer” line is desperate. She can’t help it. She’s in love. It’s a rush. It’s messy. Aaahhh this song!! 

It’s an exciting journey to go on from beginning to end. Riding the waves of her escalating feelings. The layered harmonies make me feel like I’m floating in the ocean with my head halfway underwater just enough for my ears to be plugged by the water and drown out unnecessary noise and be at peace with the bliss that the song (and the relationship) creates. So when I say “riding the waves” I almost mean that literally.

 This is the smartest upbeat love song I’ve ever heard. it’s like the song form of the “me, an intellectual” meme in reference to pop music as a whole. i’m stunned. Every time i even think about this song i just

[reeleev]

200 Messages - KiHyuk

Summary: With Kihyun going away for the next month, Minhyuk’s left without a way to contact him as often as he’d like. And, with Minhyuk being the drama queen he is, he just doesn’t know how to handle it.In celebration of my 200th fic, I wrote this little one shot of one of my fav pairs~! ^^ I hope y’all enjoy! <33

Word Ct: 3720

AO3 Link

“Just don’t go off and meet some hot art student while you’re gone,” was what Minhyuk had wanted to say. But, instead, he barely even managed a small, “Stay safe out there, Kihyunnie,” before the his same-age had gone off to board his plane.

 Now, Minhyuk lies awake, staring up at the squeaky fan on his ceiling as it spins and spins, much like the thoughts filling his mind.

He shouldn’t have chickened out that day. He should’ve grown a spine and told Kihyun how he feels. Now here he is, running the risk of Kihyun meeting some random hot guy in France who’ll then whisk him away, leaving Minhyuk to die alone. He wants so badly to call him, to text him, to contact him in some way. However, it costs too much to use a phone overseas like that, and Kihyun never checks his email.

“Don’t even bother trying to text me, Minhyuk-ah,” Kihyun had nagged at him for the umpteenth time before he left. “I’ll have it set so that I can’t even receive them in the first place. Anything you send me won’t come through until I’m back home.”

Minhyuk plays with his hair as he stews, carding his fingers through the blonde strands. It doesn’t come close to how comforting it is when Kihyun does it…

He sighs in defeat, reaching for his phone. Minhyuk goes first to his photos, trying to rid his mind of his friend—crush—by looking at every silly selfie the slightly-younger has ever sent him, that he and the other have taken together. Of course, that doesn’t work, so he tries going on Instagram and Snapchat… But, of course, among the silly couple selfies Hyunwoo and Hoseok spam his feed with and the random pictures of lyrics Jooheon tends to post, the edgy landscape pictures Changkyun always puts up and the pouty-faced selfies Hyungwon take, there Kihyun is, posting all these fantastic photos of himself off in Paris, having the time of his life on this foreign exchange program.

Finally, Minhyuk sees something in one of the gremlin’s photos that makes him unable to stand it anymore. He goes to his messages and types out a small, “I miss you, Kihyunnie~ I hope your trip is going well <33” and sends it before he can even think twice.

A pretty boy that seems about Kihyun’s age, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the shorter as they smile up at the camera for a selfie. It’s the most recent photo on Kihyun’s profile, and the one that causes a jealousy the likes of which Minhyuk has never before felt in his young life. It burns within him, incinerating away any thoughts of optimism for Kihyun not meeting someone else—because it’s only a month, so who would he meet?

I should’ve just told him… Minhyuk sullenly thinks as he tosses his phone to the side. I should’ve just balled up and told him how I feel. It isn’t as if I didn’t have enough chances… Now, it’s too late.

He falls asleep that night, pouting to the dark due to his own failure.

 “You’re just reading too much into it, hyung,” Hyungwon assures him the next day, sticking his fork into the slice of cake they’re supposed to be sharing. Minhyuk isn’t feeling very hungry, though, and Hyungwon seems more than happy to make the sacrifice of eating the five-layer red velvet slice all by himself. Minhyuk whines, dropping his head to the table with a dull thump.

“He looked so happy, Wonnie,” he mutters, his voice muffled by his own shirt. “And that guy was so handsome… Kihyunnie’s probably working on becoming a permanent exchange student over there so they can stay together forever!” Hyungwon rolls his eyes, shaking his head at his melodramatic friend.

“He’s supposed to make friends while there,” the younger points out as he stuffs the bite passed his plump lips. The icing is a bit thick and sticks to the roof of his mouth. He smacks his lips as he adds, “That’s the whole point of going on this program. Well, that and taking landscape shots, but that’s besides the point. He’s just enjoying his time there. He’ll be back before you know it, and everything will be fine.” He swallows the bite before finishing with, “Maybe this’ll teach you to confess your feelings before your crush leaves the country.”

Minhyuk’s head bolts up, scowling in protest at his dongsaeng.

“I don’t see you rushing to pour your heart out to a certain underclassman,” he spits back, feeling incredibly defensive at being called out. Hyungwon’s brow furrows together, and he slowly takes another bite before responding.

“Don’t snap at me just because you’re feeling insecure about your place with Kihyunnie,” Hyungwon tells him, his voice much lower than normal. His eyes glint with a warning light, and Minhyuk seems to physically deflate. Hyungwon ‘hmmph’s under his breath, shifting in his seat as the older drops his head to the table again. He lets the older stew in silence as he finishes the cake, losing himself to his own thoughts of a certain maknae…

 At the end of the week, to celebrate finishing up finals, Hoseok hosts a typical stress-relief party. It’s on the nicer side of town, in a penthouse overlooking the skyline of Seoul. Booze line the counters, glittering bottles of tequila, vodka, whiskey, and gin reflecting the overhead lights. Fruit juices surround them, providing ample mixers for the liquors. Hyungwon drags Minhyuk there under the pretense of needing a designated driver for their ride back, but really Minhyuk just thinks the younger will need someone to keep him from stripping when he gets drunk… again.

Minhyuk checks his phone as they ride the elevator up on the off-chance Kihyun had turned on his texts for only a moment. After all, he’d been sending countless messages late at night—when his insecurities become too much to bear—telling Kihyun how much he misses him, what reminded him of the younger that day. Really, you’d think the two were already dating from how sappy some of the messages were. But, among all these, Minhyuk still hasn’t found the guts to confess (no matter how obvious it is now).

Hyungwon lets him stare holes into the digitized screen, having given up on keeping the older from making a fool of himself.

The elevator slows to a smooth stop with a small ding, and the doors open directly into Hoseok’s private apartment. Pristine hardwood floors stretch for as long as the eye can see, and a flat screen sits on the far wall of the room with a large sectional in front of it. The bar is off to the left and, despite the small amount of people here, Hyungwon leaves Minhyuk to get a drink. Minhyuk stifles a sigh as he slips his phone into his pocket, chewing on his bottom lip as he drifts towards the couch.

“Minhyukkie!” Hoseok greets as Minhyuk plops down on the plush piece of furniture. “I’m glad you came! I honestly wasn’t sure you would, you know, with Kihyunnie gone and all.” Jooheon, whose sitting beside Hoseok, shoots him a warning look that doesn’t go unnoticed by Minhyuk.

“Hyung,” Jooheon hisses, bumping his knee with the older’s, “Wonnie-hyung said we shouldn’t mention you-know-who…”

“You can talk about Kihyunnie around me,” Minhyuk defends, poking his bottom lip out in a pout. “Why wouldn’t you?” Hoseok glances between his two dongsaengs, chewing on his bottom lip as he’s obviously quite conflicted about who’s words he should obey. His eyes shine with a light akin to that of a frantic bunny’s.

Jooheon sighs defeatedly after a moment, waving as if to give the older permission. Hoseok beams in relief. He leans over to give the younger a chaste kiss on the cheek, and Jooheon immediately blushes in response as he takes a drink from the neon purple plastic cup in his hand. Hoseok coos and pulls at Jooheon’s cheek, calls him a cute little baby, and Jooheon whines about how Hoseok should stop calling him that because it’s all kinds of not cool.

Minhyuk breaks his eyes away from the nauseating couple, standing with a huff at being so easily forgotten. He trudges over to the counter, where Hyungwon seems to have gotten distracted in his quest for refreshment by the transfer student, Im Changkyun. Hyungwon has himself leaned oh-so elegantly against the counter, an eyebrow quirked up as Changkyun seems unable to form a complete sentence without stuttering and blushing like crazy.

At the sight of the birth of a new couple, Minhyuk can’t help the bitterness that rises in his heart. He blindly grabs for a bottle, any bottle, and mixes it with a fruit juice in a plastic cup. He chugs half of it in one gulp. Though, never having been one much for drinking, Minhyuk almost voms out what he’s just consumed in the next second. His empty stomach roils, and a headache immediately begins to form at his left temple.

He ignores it, though, and empties his cup before pouring out another drink, this one containing more alcohol than the first. He winces, taking absolutely no pleasure in the taste of nail polish remover filling his mouth. He plops down with a huff on the nearest bar stool, pulling out his phone as he sends a text to Kihyun with only a slight buzz.

“Kiihhyunniieee~~~ I wish you were able to answer your texts ;-;”

“Um… hyung?” Hyungwon’s voice suddenly asks, causing Minhyuk’s gaze to jerk up at him. He looks concerned, a slight frown pulling at his lips and his gaze filled with a soft light. “You doing okay? You never drink at these things…”

“Even I’m allowed to have fun, Wonnie!” Minhyuk tells him, his voice coming out much louder than he intends. “I can still have fun, even if I’m not some hot French art student!!!” He huffs again, looking back to his phone to type out such a message and send it to Kihyun. Hyungwon watches him for only a moment more before turning back to Changkyun, giving only a half-shrug as he continues their conversation.

He figures if drinking is what Minhyuk needs to do to finally confess to Kihyun, then the older should go for it.

 The rest of the night is a blur for Minhyuk. The last thing he remembers is getting invited to do shots with an already-drunk Hyunwoo. People gathered around them, cheering for one or the other, though Minhyuk didn’t listen. He just chugged down the tequila, pausing only to send Kihyun more texts.

 The next morning, he awakens on the floor of Hoseok’s beautifully tiled bathroom with a pounding headache. He feels as if he’s been pulled inside-out. The smell of bile fills his nostrils, definitely not helping his already-present nausea.

He struggles to pull himself up off the floor, his legs feeling like jelly and his stomach grumbling loudly in protest. His limbs ache with fatigue, and he has to physically pull himself from object to object to get out of the room. He hangs onto the wall as he walks, not sparing a glance to his fellow classmates passed out all around the apartment.

Hyungwon’s curled up on the couch, looking like a frikkin’ model just laying there. Minhyuk can’t help but think of how unfair that is as he staggers his way to the kitchen. He barely manages to make it to the fridge for a bottle of water before his phone dings.

He pulls it out confusedly, hoping beyond hope it's a message from Kihyun despite his mental haze and physical pain, but it's only a game notifying him he hasn't played it in the last five hours.

"We need to go," Hyungwon suddenly says behind him, causing the older to jump. He immediately regrets it as his stomach roils in protest.

"I'm surprised you're awake," Minhyuk comments, his raspy voice much more gravelly than usual. Hyungwon rolls his eyes, reaching forward to grab Minhyuk by his elbow and lead him out of the apartment.

"I didn't sleep," he spits at him. "Someone had to keep you from trying to sleep with every guy you came across last night." Minhyuk winces, remembering the other reason why he doesn't ever drink.

"That bad?" he asks, his voice pitiful. Or, at least, it would be to a better-rested Hyungwon.

"Yes."

Minhyuk whines at his own misery, clutching the water bottle and his phone tightly as he's forced out of the apartment.

 On the way home, Minhyuk dares to look at his text conversation with Kihyun. He scrolls by text after text he'd sent, walls and walls of slurred words and—

Oh, God...

Minhyuk groans, thunking his head against the passenger-side window over and over. Hyungwon only chuckles from behind the steering wheel, not even sparing him a glance.

"I tried getting that thing away from you last night," Hyungwon tells him, but you said something about putting me into a hospital with a coma with a different name? I don't know, it seemed pretty specific coming from a drunk teenager, so I just let you be."

Minhyuk doesn't reply, shoving his phone between his thigh and the cracking leather seat as he casts his eyes towards the side of the road. They pass the body of a small hare, belly turned up and tongue lolled out. Dead.

Minhyuk knows exactly how it feels.

 Kihyun releases a relieved sigh as he steps into the Incheon airport. After a month of traversing foreign streets and an almost-11-hour flight, it's good to be home. He takes in the smells, the lights, the voices. The familiar sound of Korean puts his mind at ease, and he makes a beeline for the luggage pickup.

 He doesn't even think to turn on his messages until he gets home. He’s just about to take a shower after putting his bags in his room, but he pauses for a moment to check his phone. He isn’t expecting much, as all of his friends had known of the strict no-texting rule he’d set himself whilst abroad.

Imagine his surprise when a total two hundred messages came flooding through his notifications all at once. He drops the phone in surprise as it keeps dinging and dinging, it still buzzing incessantly on his comforter as he watches in utter shock, his lips parted in a small ‘o’ and his eyes widened ten times their normal size.

Finally, after what seems like hours, the device finally settles down. Kihyun sighs, picking it up to see just what the hell happened.

Two hundred messages. From Minhyuk.

…Huh…

Kihyun bites back his own irritation at his same-age friend, opening his phone to read just what was so damn important. The feeling melts away, though, just at the first message he sees.

I miss you, Kihyunnie~ I hope your trip is going well <33

Kihyun can’t help but coo, eagerly going on to the next message. If they’re all this sweet, maybe he won’t nag Minhyuk quite as much when he sees him.

 What he finds, though, is something he doesn’t expect. A barrage of drunken texts, spouting in varying levels of coherency how much Minhyuk cares about him, likes him—really likes him—, loves him, wants to die with him and have a family with him and even though he’s a total troll sometimes he still loves him and—

And then it stops. It ends with a single text from the following day saying: “Please, God, if you care about me at all, just delete this entire conversation and don’t ever ask me about it.”

Kihyun smirks wryly at his screen, quirking up a brow. He sighs heavily, poising his thumbs with all the expertise of any other high schooler and types out a quick message.

Minhyuk-ah~ You should come by and take your dear friend out for some barbecue for coming back home ㅋㅋㅋ

He doesn’t even have to wait a full minute before he gets a reply.

Kihyunnie!!! You’re back???

You didn’t see my texts, did you???

Nvm

I’m on my way

Kihyun chuckles breathily, hurrying his tiny self to the bathroom to take a quick shower. He absolutely does not want to look like he’s just spent so many hours on a plane for the conversation he’s about to have.

 Minhyuk pulls up to Kihyun’s apartment building only a short time later, shooting him a quick text to let him know he’s there. Kihyun seems to have been waiting for him, bolting out the lobby a second later and hopping into the car. Minhyuk can’t even hope to fight the urge to lean over to center console to tug his friend in for a warm hug. He smells like roses and lavender, a familiar smell that makes Minhyuk’s heart race.

“Missed me, huh?” Kihyun asks teasingly as they break apart, wiggling a brow at him. Minhyuk rolls his eyes, jabbing a finger into his ribs before turning his attention back to the road.

“Now why would I ever miss you, you gremlin?”

Kihyun yelps out a laugh, his eyes crinkling closed and his dimples appearing in his cheeks. Minhyuk feels a warm sort of fuzziness overtake him, making him feel all gooey on the inside, and he has the notion to plant a quick little kiss on Kihyun’s cheek.

He doesn’t of course, as that’d be all kinds of telling, and he drives into the street, knowing just where to go.

 They arrive at a small barbecue place they and their families have been going to since they were little. They manage to even get their favorite table, a small one in the very back that’s perfect for watching the other diners. Neither have to even glance at the menus before ordering, and their drinks come in record time.

Minhyuk sips at his coke, lips pulling anxiously as the straw. His legs bounce up and down under the table, and he doesn’t meet Kihyun’s eyes. The slightly-younger watches him, a knowing little smirk set on his features, and Minhyuk can’t shake the sense of foreboding filling him.

“So… how was Paris?” Minhyuk asks, trying lamely for conversation. Kihyun chuckles under his breath, and he gives a little shrug.

“Okay, I guess,” he replies. “Met some nice people, took some pretty pictures, ate some great food. But, ya know, it isn’t home.” He pauses then, slurping at his soda before leaning forward. “I missed it here,” he says, his tone dripping with meaning. “I missed you.”

Minhyuk could probably run a marathon purely off the adrenaline that single sentence sends coursing through his veins. He stiffens in his seat, though, boundless energy just running through him. However, he needs to play it cool, as he’s still holding out hope that Kihyun had taken mercy and deleted all the messages he’d sent.

“I-I missed you, too, Kihyunnie,” he mumbles, his throat tightening at saying the shorter’s name. Kihyun hums then, leaning even closer, propping himself up on his elbows. The light in his eyes sets Minhyuk’s blood a’boilin’. He swallows thickly, frozen where he sits. His heart hammers in his chest, threatening to burst free and just jump into Kihyun’s hands.

He doesn’t want to ask. He doesn’t want to know if Kihyun made himself witness to the absolute mess he was those few weeks ago at Hoseok’s party. He cringes just thinking about it…

But, as always, he just can’t keep himself from saying what he needs to.

“Did you… read my texts?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun replies without missing a beat, slurping again at his coke. Minhyuk chokes on pure oxygen, lurching back in his seat and hiding his face in shame.

“Oh, God… Oh God oh God oh God…” he mutters over and over, his face burning as he grows more embarrassed with every syllable that passes his lips. Kihyun yelps out a warm laugh across from him, but he ignores it. He can’t even bring himself to look up at the shorter.

“I don’t know why you had to wait for me to leave the country to tell me all that,” Kihyun tells him plainly, his tone only slightly nagging. “We’re best friends, Min. You should’ve been honest with me. I mean, I felt I was being pretty obvious in my feelings towards you, so…”

Minhyuk gasps overdramatically, his eyes going wide as he just takes in the slightly-younger’s words. Could he really mean…?

As if hearing his thoughts, Kihyun hums, nodding his head oh-so coolly. Minhyuk furrows his brow, feeling incredibly defensive suddenly. Kihyun’s just giving him that haughty, knowing smirk he just hates yet loves, and he doesn’t know how to respond other than to argue.

“Well you could’ve just said something!!” he fires back. He begins to pick at his bottom lip, eyes shining with a relieved light. Kihyun ‘hmmph’s, rolling his eyes as he sits back in his chair, though the amused sparkle to his eyes tells he isn’t really all that annoyed.

“I could say the same to you.”

“I did!!”

“Before I left the country and you got drunk!! What was with that, anyway? You don’t drink.”

“Yeah, well…” Minhyuk mumbles, unable to answer him. After all, what’s he supposed to say? That he got so god-awful drunk because of him?? Absolutely not. Kihyun would lord that over him for years if he did. Kihyun sighs, and his foot slides across the floor to Minhyuk’s to press against it gently, consolingly. Minhyuk meets his gaze, and he feels himself ease.

 Their appetizers come before either can say anything, and then their food soon after. Kihyun only glances at Minhyuk once, and Minhyuk knows he hadn’t needed to worry all this time. No matter how many times Kihyun goes off to foreign countries for whatever reasons, he’ll always be Minhyuk’s… whatever that may entail.

Minhyuk finds himself thinking that it may mean much more than before, as Kihyun’s foot begins to rub its way up and down his skinny leg. Minhyuk shoots Kihyun a guarded gaze, and Kihyun only blows him a flirtatious little kiss before diving into his food.

The slightly-older has to stifle a sigh, only just then beginning to imagine what kind of mess he’s gotten himself into with this one…

[the-whims-of-fate]

A Sunrise After 1001 Nights (Chapter 1)

Under normal circumstances, my confidence in my writing abilities (or lack thereof) would only really allow me to write Headcanon Posts and things like that. However, after reading a certain FilthyFateConfessions Post and some gushing in Discord over Servants who deserve the world and then some, I decided to begin writing this fanfic. As such, I thought it’d be appropriate to at least release one chapter considering what day it is. If you guys like it, hate it, or have any sort of comments to make, please send them in. In the meantime, enjoy :)

Once more, the blinding light of the Servant Summon faded. By now, you were somewhat used to it. You had summoned countless Servants throughout your time spent in Chaldea. However there was always that initial flash that caught you somewhat off guard.

Before the light faded completely, a voice called out to you, one that didn’t belong to any servant that had already occupied Chaldea.

“My name is Scheherazade.” A figure emerged from the blinding light, a rather skimpy white and blue outfit clung to her richly toned skin, while a staff with a lantern at the head was held in one hand and a sealed scroll in the other. Her words were oddly clear through the veil that covered the majority of her face. “If you but listen to my one wish, I shall serve you forever as though you were my king”.

In that moment, you were taken aback by the sight before you many times over. “What’s going on?” “King? Hardly any of the other Servants were so forward initially?” “Why does her outfit cover so little? Should I grab her a blanket or something?” These were only a few of the many questions that had begun bouncing around your head after an alarmingly short amount of time.

“You are my master, correct?”

The soft voice of the newly summoned Servant cut off your already derailed train of thought. After taking a moment to correct yourself, you addressed her, thanking the Throne of Heroes that the veil made it easier to maintain eye contact. “Yeah. Sorry about that. My name is Gudao.” Quickly taking note of the politeness in her speech, you extended your hand in greeting, attempting to follow suit. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

She hesitated initially, but after what you could only guess was her having realized the genuineness of your greeting, she returned the gesture. Immediately you could feel the warm sensation that her touch provided, yet at the same time you could feel an ever so slight trembling. “Is she afraid?” The thought had briefly crossed your mind before you realized that the handshake had begun to last slightly longer than many would probably be comfortable with.

“Anyway,” you began, finally breaking the handshake, “There’s no real need to be very formal here. I’ll explain why during the tour.”

“Tour?” Her voice conveying any confusion that her veil attempted to hide.

You nodded as you opened the door of the Summoning Room. With the mindset that it would be easier to show rather than tell, you led her into the halls of Chaldea.

To say that Scheherazade was caught off guard by all the Servants they passed was an understatement, not that this was very surprising. Chaldea was likely the first instance where more than 7 Servants were summoned at once outside of the fourteen that took part in The Great Holy Grail War, yet she had been greeted by at least that many Servants within the first ten minutes of the tour. Thankfully, she was largely welcomed with open arms by the initial greeting party of Jeanne, Marie, Nitocris, and several others. Blackbeard almost got a word in, but found himself on the receiving end of a boot to the rear from Drake before any sort of comment was made, which you made a mental note to thank her for later.

Eventually, the crowd dissipated. It was nice to see so many people welcome the Caster with such enthusiasm. Yet, despite all of that, you couldn’t help but notice the traces of discomfort that her veil failed to hide. “I take it it’s a lot to process at once, huh?”

“Yes,” Scheherazade admitted. “I’m used to seeing other Servants as enemies, but… Never did I expect them to be so welcoming of me.”

“That makes sense,” you replied. “While I admit that there are a lot of Servants here, I feel like this place has become more of a community than anything else. Granted, we have our occasional disputes from time to time, but largely everyone gets along just fine.”

The storyteller nodded. You weren’t sure how effective your words were at easing her discomfort, but you could see that at least some of the worry had departed from her expression. “Everything at its own pace, I guess.”

By now you had given everyone a rough tour of the facility, so your explanations had become somewhat streamlined over the time spent here, so with the gaps of time between rooms you decided to ask the Caster about something that had begun to nag at you since the summon.

“If you don’t mind my asking, you said you had a wish that you wanted granted. Is there by chance anything I can do to help or is this something for the Holy Grail to fulfill?”

Immediately her expression, or what you could see of it given the veil, changed from that of curiosity for the situation that she was brought into, to what you could only describe as a sense of eagerness. Like she just remembered an extremely vital piece of information. “Indeed. While I’m unsure if the Grail will be necessary for it given the circumstances, my only wish is that I may live.”

“As in reincarnation? Because while you’re certainly able to maintain your physical form for however long you want while you’re here, I’d probably need to use a Grail to fully reincarnate you.”

“Not necessarily,” she replied. “I am the author of what you may know as the One Thousand and One Nights. While the stories themselves have gained enough fame for me to become a Servant, I originally wrote them as a means to save myself and my sister from our king. And so, my only wish is that my life would be spared.”

Immediately you paused. There you stood, in the middle of the hall with the realization of the potential wounds you opened up, and towards a newly summoned Servant no less. Scheherazade had only taken a couple steps before turning around, realizing that you had stopped.

“I’m really sorry,” you blurted out. “I should be used to talking to Servants by now, but here I am asking about things I have no right to pry into.”

Your eyes had closed as though to anticipate anything from hurt or anger in her reply, but a warm hand on your shoulder prompted you to open them. The storyteller was standing before you, the veil on her face faintly outlining a smile. “Do not worry. You’re my master. It is only fair to want to know more about me, even if the details aren’t very cheerful.”

Her words sent waves of reassurance through you, as if to replace any sort of lingering guilt within you. “Alright. Let’s continue then. The only two places that should be left are the newly appointed ‘Media Room’, aka ‘Doctor Romani’s Netflix Hideaway’, and my own room.”

Not even thirty feet away from the Media Room, a booming voice erupted from within. “Come now, Goldy!!! Why must you be such a poor sport?!?”

“As I have told you before, the matter lies in that your controller has a much different arrangement than my own. As such, it can hardly be called a fair competition with you using that hulking thing in your lap to control your character while I am forced to use a common remote.”

Hearing the two Servant’s bicker in the nearby room made it plainly obvious who was present within, but realizing the potential powderkeg that their unattended interactions tended to become, you quickened your pace. “I know I said he could use my console during his times off, but why did he have to play with Gilgamesh of all people?”

Sure enough, when you opened the door, there sat Iskandar and Gilgamesh, mid-argument, their forms silhouetted by the light of the TV Screen. “Geez you two. At the very least you could’ve turned on the lights” you interrupted, desperate to say something, anything, to momentarily distract them from their competitive streaks. As you flipped the switch, both the light in the room and the metaphorical light bulb above their heads lit up.

“Young Gudao!!!” the King of Conquerors exclaimed excitedly. “Join us. We just finished a match in this Street Fighter game that that Romani fellow recommended. Besides, Goldy doesn’t sound like he wants to play much more anyway.”

Gilgamesh scoffed. “This controller of mine has too many small buttons. Not only does this fool have a larger controller, but the buttons are arranged much more conveniently.”

“You don’t say,” you began, the sarcasm in your voice almost tangible. “Even in a closed room, the two of you have an uncanny ability to make your presences known. I’m just glad I got here before weapons were drawn...”

“Come now,” Iskandar reassured. “We would never have gone that far.” You could only shake your head at this, knowing full well that they definitely would have.

Keeping in mind that the two of these heroes could bring down the entirety of Chaldea if they fought, you decided that the best course of action would be to at least try to sort this out. With a somewhat exasperated sigh, you turned to the Archer. “Gilgamesh, you’re right that Iskandar’s controller makes the game easier for him, but look at him.” You gestured to his hulking frame and massive hands. “With his strength, he would crush a regular controller accidentally, and Waiver can vouch for me on that.”

The King of Heroes scoffed. He was pleased to hear that someone else agreed that he was right, but the fact that his master had also justified the actions of the other Servant left him feeling as though the words were empty. Meanwhile Iskandar let out a light chuckle at the last remark, likely thinking back to a situation similar to the one that you had just described.

“Here,” you began, taking the controller that Gilgamesh had set to the side. Immediately, you brought the game to the character select screen and put his cursor onto the Random Character Selection. “Both of you keep your characters set to ‘Random’. That way, no one knows the controls for or gets overly familiar with one character.”

“I suppose that works.”

“Very well. I can agree to those terms. By the way master. That woman by the doorway. How long does she intend to stay there?”

Turning around, you saw that Scheherazade had followed you to the room, but instead of entering, she had partially hidden herself, minus her head peeking out from the doorframe. “Um… Scheherazade? You can come in if you want.”

“Indeed!!! Please, join us!!!”

Hesitantly, Scheherazade moved out of her makeshift hiding spot and entered the room. However, after shuffling about three feet past the doorway, she stopped, her uneasiness clearly portrayed despite the veil.

“Actually, I just summoned her not too long ago and I thought I’d give her a small tour. Do you mind if we...”

“Ah, of course!!! Please, carry on. There will be plenty of time for games like these later. In the meantime, should you run into Waiver, ask if he’d stop by. We didn’t make much progress in our last game of Admirable Conquests and I was thinking it’d be good to make up for lost ground.”

“Hmph. Such is the way of the conqueror, I suppose,” Gilgamesh chuckled, his amusement in Iskandar’s behavior obvious.

“But of course!!!”

You nodded, offering a final wave as you exited the room. As you left, Scheherazade followed, her pace quickening. The last place left on the tour was your room, a fact that seemed to fill her with what you could only guess was relief. “Is everything okay? I understand not being comfortable around Gilgamesh. To be honest, none of us are a hundred percent comfortable around him, with the exception of Enkidu of course, but...”

“I’m sorry,” she began. “I should have told you earlier.” After taking a moment to fully compose herself, she continued. “Remember how I said that my stories were a means to save me and my sister? Well, I believe that has caused a warryness of kingly figures to be imprinted upon me as a Servant.”

Thinking about it now, that was probably the most likely explanation. Many Servants tend to hold closely to the behaviors portrayed in their legend, so something like that wouldn’t be too far fetched. Hoping to put her at ease to an extent, you began to put your thoughts to words. “If that’s the case, then maybe it’s just a matter of getting used to them, and even if it isn’t, there are plenty of non-kingly Servants here at Chaldea.”

Scheherazade nodded. You could tell, while not completely put at ease by your words, she at least saw the intention behind them. The rest of the walk was relatively quiet, with the exception of the occasional Servant stopping to greet them. When the two of you entered the empty dorm, the storyteller breathed what you could only guess was a sigh of relief.

“Note to self,” you began in a somewhat joking manner. “Find a way to make that tour either shorter or more interesting.”

“Oh, no. The tour was fine, Master,” Scheherazade began, her tone becoming increasingly apologetic. “It’s just that...” She paused for a moment, as though trying to find the right words. “Are you familiar with the saying ‘the right person for the right place’?”

You thought for a moment, then nodded, having heard similar phrases in the past and ultimately understanding this one’s meaning by comparison.

“Well… A warrior belongs on the battlefield. However, I believe that the bedside of my king, or in this case, the one to whom I am pledged is...”

In the resulting silence, you took a moment to think over her words, using all your willpower to avoid focusing on any sort of implications that may have arisen from her statement. “If you believe that this is the best place for you to be, then I can work with that. Bedivere was originally using the guest bed, but I don’t think he’d mind staying with the rest of the Knights of The Round Table. I do have a couple requests though.”

“Of course,” the Caster replied, taking a seat on the bed opposite of you. Her voice betrayed a hint of excitement at the news.

“The first request, I’m afraid, is somewhat non-negotiable,” you began. “I intended to bring this up during the tour, but I got understandably distracted. The thing is that all Servants are required to spend at least a bit of time on missions on the field. It’s something of a fairness measure in order to avoid favoritism.”

Scheherazade’s excitement began to shift into a look of worry, but you wouldn’t let it stay that way for long.

“However, given your circumstances, I will do everything in my power to make sure that you don’t have to lift so much as a finger. The “system” requires you to be present at these battles, but if I put together a suitable group to manage the combat, you can stay with me at the rear. We also have a system in place for strengthening Servants, so should that even prove to be not enough, you’ll be able to hold your own more effectively. Then once that’s done, you’ll never have to go on another mission for however long our contract binds us.”

The storyteller, while not completely reassured, visibly displayed an at least partial alleviation of her worry. “I am your Servant. As such, if you believe that this is the best course of action, and as long as you do not seek to kill me, then I will follow you… my king.”

That last part was just barely a whisper, but you could still grasp its meaning. However, you chose to put that thought to the side for the time being, as there was one more thing you wished to ask her.

“My second and final request should be a bit easier. While I have agreed that you can stay with me here, I don’t want you to isolate yourself. It doesn’t have to be much, but please spend some time out and about around Chaldea. Like I said earlier, this place has become more of a community than I think many would’ve thought it could, and I think you might grow to like it if you gave yourself the chance to.”

Scheherazade nodded. It was easy for her to see that this wasn’t a formality or a requirement for her. Rather, her master was looking out for her own well being. “Very well.”

Satisfied with her reply, you laid back in your bed. However, it wasn’t long before you realized that you had made a crucial error. “Oh crap!! I need to find Bedivere. I mean, I feel like he’d understand, but if he had come back before I explained the situation to him, I can only imagine how rude he would’ve thought all of this was.” You leapt from your bed to the door with surprising speed, but stopped just as quickly when you remembered your guest.

Before you could get a word out, Scheherazade spoke, as if anticipating your intentions. “Go ahead. I’d like to take a bit to better acclimate myself to this place, especially if I wish to stay here.” You wanted to argue with her, but you quickly remembered the rush you were in and left the Caster to her own devices.

With a moment of peace now hers, Scheherazade began to look through her scrolls to find a suitable story for her new master. As she did this, she offered a silent prayer in thanks to whatever deity was listening for her newfound circumstances and for her kind new Master.

Meanwhile, Ishtar, who just happened to be a couple rooms away at the time, let out a quiet sneeze.

[trashratmatt]

THANK YOU

And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Now that I’m 18 and nearing graduation from high school, faster than I ever expected, I want to stop and say thank you. There are so many wonderful people that I’ve met between my first year and my fourth year of high school, who have done nothing but support me, befriend me, and shape who I am. I couldn’t thank these people enough, but I’m damn well going to try.

@harveydont You’re one of the best people I could have met at the time we did meet. Honestly, it brightens my day, even for a bit, to remember we met because I was screaming in the tags of one of your art pieces, and I screamed louder when you actually came into the IM about it. You’re one of the driving forces behind why I was so eager to get into art, and why I’m still drawing today. The inspiration I draw from you is unending and I’ve kept all the memories of our silly chats and great ideas and dumb conversations, the times you sat down and helped me through something, even as small as a panic attack, and each one makes me grin like an idiot when it comes to mind. I love you, Quinn, one of my closest friends and truly my original inspiration. And to be honest, you were there for me a hell of a lot better than my REAL dad was. Best internet dad.

@bishopinblue Rachael, where do I even begin with you? You’re fucking hilarious, the chats we’ve one on discord, both text and voice, have nearly made me piss myself laughing and your art style always helps me tell myself it’s okay for my own not to be realistic. You’re incredibly considerate and between you and Max, we’re the 7th level of best friend Hell, to be honest. We’re certainly a hilariously horrifying bunch, and I’ll never stop loving that. Ever. Your support and our chats have kept me going for the past few months and without them sometimes it would be just near impossible to lift my spirits that day. So much love and respect to you.

@delistylehardcoren MAX. MAXY. AB. AB MAX. STINKY GROSS GHOSTIE GREMLIN GARBAGE MAN. LOVE YOU. You’re such a good friend and all you want to do is be able to help, and you’ve talked me to through so much shit in bad times and lifted my heart when it was down. Everything you draw just brings a big goofy fucking grin to my face and all your characters are just lovable as fuck and never fail to make me happy. You’re just a cool ass fuckin’ friend, man, I mean, who else would I make such perfect anal prolapse jokes with? You’re funny as all hell and one of the most original people I’ve ever fuckin’ met. Love you, man, truly.

@jack-nyahpier Man, I know it’s been fucking ages and we don’t get to talk that much anymore, but I love you, bro. Good ass bro right here. A good man. Quality man. Lots of memories and I really need to fuckin’ get my ass on PS4 again for ya’ll, really. We gotta stop those fuckin’ noobsters from torbin’ in the tunnels, Jack, we gotta. Also our Joker’s kissed once that’s very important.

@sikaotu TRASH. GOOD EGG. SUCH A GOOD EGG. Good clown egg, good Handsome Egg, a quality egg that shall never ever spoil. Our Joker’s kissed once too, very important as well. We need to finish Borderlands u Hecc. I love you.

@hermannco Leeeoooooo ayyy. I know we never really got to talking that much, and yes you did terrify me to my core for a very very very long time but then we started playing DCUO and everything went to hell there was a spiral I don’t know what happened on that day, but whatever it was I’m glad it broke some thin ass ice. You’re one of my top inspirations with how far I’ve seen you come from animation to working with Codot and your work and prints and EVERYTHING, and watching you from afar brings a smile to my face, every time. Regardless of the distance, you’re still one of the main mans, and thank you for all the wonderful, though few in between, fantastic times. Truly an honor, man, love you to death.

@daddysionis I’m not sure how much we REALLY TALKED, but I got so much love you. You’re not only an inspiration for art for me, but you’re one for costumes, cosplay, make up, effects, the works. Without looking back on some of the stuff you did in the past, I don’t think I would have ever started my Junkrat cosplay back up, and the few conversations we have these days always put me in a good ass mood and I just kinda feel relaxed after chatting with you. You’re funny as well when you want to be and you’re a cool ass fun ass person. Lotsa respect to ya, man, stay safe, because I love ya.

@pinecalties FIRST OF ALL STOP DELETING ALL YOUR PERSONAL ASS BLOGS, second of all I love you to fucking death and you’re one of the MOST supportive and comforting people I know, always willing to be open, always willing to talk, no matter how weird or uncomfortable or personal the matter, and I have so much respect to you for that, especially with all the bullshit you’ve been through in the past year+. You kept me writing when I wanted to quit so many times, and I thank you so much for that, because without art, and without writing, I would have gone honestly fucking insane. We’ve had such dumb fuckin’ conversations in the past and I love each one dearly for what I can remember them with my shitty ass memory. The verses, the ideas, the jokes, the dumb ass crack concepts, everything. Lots of love man.

@everybodyknows-everybodydies Alright... First thing... I’m not sure if you even remember me, but I wanted to include you, because... Fuck. Just fuck, man, we knew each other for YEARS, we did so much DUMB SHIT together and we wrote with each other for FUCKIN’ YEARS, and I’ll NEVER FORGET A SINGLE BIT OF IT. I may not have known you through high school, but you were the person who got me INTO WRITING in the VERY FIRST PLACE, you’re the person who got me drawing IN THE VERY FIRST PLACE, you spread me out to so much stuff IN THE VERY FIRST PLACE, and I can NEVER thank you enough for the experience you gave me those, what, THREE years we knew each other? The three years we goofed around wrote sad shit and dumb shit and cute shit and fucked shit and whatever else. I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget you, and stuff we did, the stuff we wrote, every joke, every moment. I know it’s been years since we talked, but that doesn’t change the years that we did. I love you, homie, always.

I love you all. So much. So fucking much. If I somehow managed to forget even one person, I promise it’s not that I don’t care. I have such a scattered brain and I can barely remember two days ago, but know that I love you. I love all my friends. Friends are family. Physically distant, but some of the most emotionally close family I’ve ever had. Greatest family I’ve ever had. So much love, and so many THANKS, to all of you, always.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

On a post where I talked about my nephew (and the difficulties with my brother)

runningbarefootthroughtheforest said: No ideas, just wanted to say Im glad your nephew has someone like you in his life, even if you are ‘banned’ from him. It sounds like you bring sunshine to his life, and even if thats a rare occurence it may make a world of difference to him <3

Thanks for being so kind. 

I wasn’t planning to really reply (thought I REALLY appreciated hearing that), but I was in a mood tonight. I got started writing, and now it’s 2am and I’ve got this endless rambling about my relationship with my brother no one in their right mind wants to hear about. Rather than erase all that typing (and venting) I’m just going to put it safely behind a click to continue....l

Being there for him used to be one of the ways I would make myself go to my brother’s when I knew what was in store for me there. (The other was to help my parents with that construction job building the extension to my brother’s house.) I had my nephew described as “lighting up like a Christmas tree” when I showed up and that he seemed so much more engaged when I was there. I dunno how much I credit that to me, but I did feel like it was worth enduring a heavy dose of verbal abuse. 

The thing is, it has been so long since I have been able to see him I expect he has forgotten me now. I got to see him for a minute over a year ago when took Mom half way to spend time recovering from her hospitalization at their house (I’ve mentioned our living conditions...). He didn’t show any signs of recognition anymore. Yesterday Mom called me while my sister-in-law was out (Mom won’t call me when they are around to avoid ranting) and I could hear my nephew talking to himself as he played, his voice like a little bird chirping. I realized that I have never actually heard him speak in person because he was a totally non-verbal then. I’m afraid as far as he is concerned I don’t exist.

I know people wonder why I was banned from my brother’s house. “what did you do?” Saying, well the first time I was told never to come back I played a Wallace and Gromit DVD. It was so baffling how me playing it in a room alone could get him shouting I was “the most selfish bitch alive” for my choice of DVD, but there you go.

A few months later I did start going back, but that time I tried to photograph my parents beside the house extension we were putting in, and my brother thought I wastaking a photo of him andmy nephew. He hates photos being taken and threatened to smash my camera, started with the insults, called me a coward when I went into the house to get away from him rather than fight, then mocked me when I came  back out rather than wake my napping sister-in-law. I started crying (trying soooo hard not to) and he lay into me for that. I always told my parents not to defend me since it would reinforce my brother’s peculiar “you love her more” narrative and it would make him more vicious, but it made me feel extra alone as he was attacking me, all in my face and snarling like he would get. I muttered “Sometimes I could just  kill you” which was NOT meant as a real threat at all, and he knew that very well. Still he announced I was to leave or he would call the police and he could say I threatened his life.

And that was that. At first My parents and I thought it would blow over. It didn’t. We thought holidays would be an exception. They weren’t. We thought when Pop got sick he would relax about it. Nope. So that’s been that.

The thing is, it shouldn’t be a surprise. For years he’d been saying he loved Mom, loved but also hated Pop, and just hated me. I think partly Pop and are were disappointments to him, like we should be whatever fantasy he had of what we should be and if only he could bully us right we’d change. Pop and I did tend to think alive, where Mom and my brother thought a bit more alike, the basic mental wiring. But it was a way of seeing us, Mom the one who sacrificed (like about getting a PhD) to join Pop here, Pop the person working so many ambitious projects (like the submarine or the journey round the world in the boat) that never actually were finished, and me the smart sister turned utter loser (and college drop out to his multiple degrees). I knew he hated me, and maybe he was right to at least have no respect for such a pathetic creature, but I somehow had managed to believe that down deep he loved me.

You know, when he was a teenager he pointed a loaded gun to my head saying he was going to kill me, and I was totally calm about it. Part of it was the adrenaline, but part of it was a trust that while he was emotionally freaking out and might accidentally kill me, he did not really want me dead. Would I be so fearless now when I no longer trust his love is in there somewhere waiting to be talked down? I dunno.

Now, for the record, my family was NOT physically or emotionally abusive. Heck, my parents never even spanked us. We were never grounded, given time outs or bullied. While my father would break things when really upset, he NEVER, EVER hurt anyone or threatened to hurt anyone. My parents were  confused how sibling rivalry and child defiance of a father could become so monsterous. They wondered what they did wrong. The thing is, it really wasn’t entirely some failing in out part.

Amazingly my brother was an incredibly sweet child. He constantly told us he loved us, gave us drawings he made and wrote “I love you” on, hugged us, kissed us, laughed and ...  He was exactly the opposite of what he is now.

I can track it, the step by step path that led to this point.

It begins at school. When he entered first grade to be precise.

In first grade my brother got good grades, despite my parents questioning whether he was having difficulty reading. The teacher would reassure them that he was doing just fine....and then he failed first grade. When my parents wanted to know what had happened, the teacher said my brother had seemed so smart she had assumed it would work out. **sigh**

So my parents did what you would expect. They started working with my brother. They had always read to us (and I read as long as can remember) but now they started using work books, flashcards, and anything else that they thought might help. To my brother this was like being punished while I was off doing other things, and how he felt about me began to change.

Now I get this bothering him. I was bothered too. I knew my brother needed help, but I also knew they were spending all this time with him but so little with me. No one helped me with my homework, because I didn’t need it. I was “fine”, I was always “fine”. Where as my brother as a toddler would try to run (and made it once!) across highway 64 with all it’s traffic, laughing as we chased him, toddler me (when I couldn’t find my father and grandfather who were working and supposed to be watching me...the place it big) decided to walk home and famously was spotted by people carefully crossing that crazy busy highway and walking back along the side of the road. I was seen as gaving good judgement, bright, blah, blapg. Stephanie is always “fine”. 

The difference is that while I saw the attention my brother got when no one even cared what I did in school, (they even let me sign my own papers because they were busy and knew I was doing fine...I HATE that word fine!) and was unhappy, I didn’t get angry at anyone. I understood, and other than a few bouts of grumpiness at my parents wishing that they would pay atrention to me a bit. But to my brother it was different. He was angry, and most of that anger settled on me because I was “fine”, a sort of feeling he had that I must be loved more since I wasn’t the one suffering.

Then it got worse.

His second grade teacher was horrible to him. She picked on him and bullied him continually. In front of the whole damn class she would called him stupid and mock him. He was NOT stupid! He was dyslexic!

My parents had to work to persuade then to have him tested. This was not even on the radar of out hick town school in the early 1980s. They had to bring someone in to test him, and when it proved the suspicions it proved no help at all. See, the teachers had never heard of such a thing, so to them “dyslexic” meant “stupid”.   They considered kids “normal”, “smart”, or “stupid” with no nuisance at all. And that damn teacher kept at it, more intently than ever.

Worse for my relationship to him, the teacher and her aide had another angle of attack. “He’s not smart like his sister!” Do you know how horrible that is, constantly comparing a kid to another kid? In first grade my tracher had started that, telling the class “Why can’t you all be like Stephanie?” “You should try to be smart like Stephanie” Do you know what that does? It does NOT make the kids you want to change change, instead they glare at that kid you are comparing them to with pure hate. And now the little brother that had loved me, was being bludgeoned with me as a weapon. 

He didn’t tell us any of this at the time. He was far too scared of her. It slipped out bit by bit over then next few years.

One day he hid to try to avoid going to class. I found him and talked to him, trying to be reassuring and comforting. You see, I was having an awful time in school, being bullied every day. I thought, three years older than him, I understood and I was being encouraging when I was saying if I could do it I knew he could. And then I told Pop where he was.

My brother still brings this up as a huge betrayal. It is one of the worst things I ever did to him, though I did it out of love and ignorance.

So it began. My brother’s resentment and hostility. A bubbling rage began to build. He started seeing as opposite, if something was tough for him he would insist it was easy for me. To this day he insists I was popular and happy in school! It’s nuts. Mom laughs at the thought. In that one year in kindergarden I went from so outgoing I spoke to anyone to so introverted I couldn’t make eye contact or order in a restaurant. I went from normal weight to the fattest kid in the class, for the first time in my life started wetting the bed, began to jump at the sounds like someone with PTSD, and would come home crying, begging my parents to tell me why everyone hated me. I was picked on for everything including my breathing! But he didn’t remember preschool me so he didn’t know I’d changed, and he was so lost in his own pain he couldn’t see mine.

And it went like this. Now I am NOT minimizing what he went through. While I had many teachers that openly delighted whenerever I made a mistake and, bafflingly, saw me as some sort of threat, clearly what he went through with that teacher was worse.

Let me be clear again, my brother was NOT stupid! He was one of the top five students by graduation, in college he studied chemistry where he was the only undergraduate working on a project, one a national prize, and after getting his degree went right back to get a degree in computer programming. He could very well be smarter than me!

But elementary and high school were hell. For both of us, to be honest, we just manifested it differently.

 I can only imagine the constant “she’s smart, you’re not” pressure he was under. I know even as an adult his default when upset was to call himself “Stupid!” “Idiot!” Or “Moron!” No matter how often my parents and I tried to tell him otherwise, he never believed us. He was constantly tense and chewed his fingers until they bled. And behind his eyes you could see the pain and rage. He got so he would not want anyone to see him show emotions, even taking his gifts at Christmas into his room to open. He got aggressive and growly, not just in a teen boy way. He would let anyone hug him anymore, not even Mom. We wanted to hug him, we knew he needed a hug, even wanted a hug, but if you tried he’d slug you and leave a bruise. 

With me his aggression just got worse. Violent, not just slugging. Not when our parents were around, of course. Then it was just verbal.  He was disgusted by me. I’d become withdrawn more, fatter, and, as I used to say, “terminally insecure”. Maybe he couldn’t stand my increasing loser status because if I was supposed to “better” than him according to the teachers, then how terrible must he be? He needed me to be better than Inwas, just as he always blamed our parents a bit for not saving him from that teacher, despite the fact they hadn’t known at the time what was going on.

One quick point: what happened to my brother inspired Pop to run for school board right after that. He thought it was the best way to help both my brother and others like him. I think the last straw was seeing that abusive teacher won “teacher of the year” the next year. When Pop asked why they said it was because they were all sorry for her  because just before the vote she has a baby that was born with a serious birth defect. Sympathy is one thing, but “teacher of the year” for a woman that tormented my brother and changed him so completely? In one year he went from loving me to hating me, smiling to scowling, not questioning his own intelligence to never believing in it! So Pop went to the school board, became chairman, and what to you know, the way they treated my brother turned around over night (though how he felt didn’t)! But what about other kids without elected parents?

Anyway, the school years were not happy. Add my brother’s tendency to hold grudges and to lash out when hurt to the target painted on my back by the big mouthed teachers and I became his verbal, and sometimes physical, punching bag. Our parents would be working and he would go into jerk mode. Locking himself in my room to trash it. Calling me the most hurtful things he could. There are still holes in my door from a sword. (Yes, sword. We have a few...) When he would start getting rough I’d pin him, because though we did eventually end up the same height, I was bigger than him. He was skinny and I was just plain stronger. But once restrained, then what? In his rages he would snarl he would hit me when I let go, and eventually I’d have to. My dilemma was I was the big sister, the one that had always tried to protect him and never wanted to hurt him. When I was about 8 I got a blood vessel in my eye busted fighting a bully that was picking on him. I couldn’t hurt him, but when I’d let go he’d keep his promise. As my parents and I would say, he would never pull a punch.

Now my parents would try to get him to stop being such a jerk to me, but it only ever made him meaner. If they were defending me, he semed to think, that must prove they loved me more. They were working and we were on our own, but together out here on the farm, much of the time. Oddly being unsupervised had worked out great when we were little, but as we got older and the relationship got worse it was not great at all.

It’s so weird, looking at old photos. All those happy ones when were little. There isn’t a photo of me NOT smiling until I started school, and there isn’t one where he isn’t smiling and usually hugging me until that year with the teacher. Like OMG! He honestly seemed a different person. By our teenage years there are almost no photos of me smiling, and the few that show my brother smiling are rather threatening. 

We did have one powerful bonding moment one day. We just started talking, just spilling out all the horrible things and bullying we went through at school, that hell hole. We ended up sobbing and just holding each other. It was so intense I actually believed it was a breakthrough, a turning point out of the darkness. Nope. I made that mistake many times over the years.

And yeah, the gun incident happened. I survived, and between that and another incident when he nearly shot trespassers (that had permission we didn’t know about) when scared, I let my folks know I didn’t think he should be around them anymore. It was atypical for the family so it was startling, but his judgement worried me. 

But then came what was the worst turning point for many years. I dropped out of college. It would take a while to explain, but it would make me the sole non-college in the family and the source of shame. It was unforgivable sin. While my brother had given up physical violence (and never hit me again) the verbal abuse got ....unrelenting. How bad did it get? When he would drive home I would hear the car and feel a full on hyperventilate “run away!” panic attack. He’d come home from college and I’d shake at the sound of his voice. I won’t list all the things he said, but it boiled down to my worthlessness.

That said, he still would seem to love and want my company. He asked me to go on trips, like to Germany and Montreal, and despite the fact I would always swear never to travel with him again afterwards. He gave gifts that showed thought, cards, and moments of sweetness would slip out.

Still, I began to notice something else. When things were good, he was wonderful, but when things were stressful he’d get mean. 

Believe it or not, there were a few years I got my hopes up that hehad outgrown it, or worked past it or let go of that childhood rage or...something. He was great, no longer tormenting me. The only teasing was affectionate, without the cruelty. He did little kindnesses, joked, showed concern, and smiled. It was like having the little brother that had been so close to me back. Even at his wedding the two of us kept giggling uncontrollably every time we looked at each other. 

It didn’t last. It took a few years, but it started building up all over again. I expect it was the stress he was feeling with a new marriage to someone with rather set ways ,interpersonal conflict on the job, a new house he’d bought, eventually fatherhood, and the initial denial anything was wrong with the nephew followed by the difficult reality. Then there was the fact that had set in that I was no longer the fattest in the family, but he was...something else to hold against me. 

So the point is, by the time he had a lot of things eating at him. He was having health problems I worried were stress related, that certainly didn’t help his mood. And there I was, unmarried, no kid, only working with Pop not a “real” job as far as he was concerned (HA!), none of the things weighing on him. Clearly, he would assume, my life must be better. That ignores my lived reality, but he always has ignored my point of view. As far as he was concerned I’d somehow cheated. And if my parents let me get away with it, well then, they must love me more.

So he promises to make my newborn nephew hate me. He picks on my continually. When I have a breathing attack and my heart goes nuts, he says to film it if I’m dying so he can watch it over and over laughing. He refuses to help us more than five minutes on the house extension, shouting “I can’t work with you people!!” And on and on. So why did I not see this final break coming? 

He isn’t happy. Even hearing about him through Mom I can tell that. I wish I could help him, but I never could. 

What’s strange is the fact I didn’t feel relieved by the break. Not seeing him meant sparing myself the weekly emotional rollar coaster, the walking on eggshells waiting for the moment he’s have a go at me. Instead I fell apart. I used to never cry, but I started then. I’d have meltdowns over it, thinking my life had hit the lowest it could get...the loss of my brother and nephew.

Of course, Pop started getting sick almost exactly then, and six months later he was diagnosed. It’s all been down hill from there! So I guess when you think you’ve hit rock bottom it might just be a bounce along the rock face as you keep plummeting.

My brother is still furious at me, and honestly I would  apologize whether I feel I did anything wrong or not if I thought it would do any good. But I know him. If I apologize he would take it as proof he was right. He doesn’t do forgiveness, more like gloating and justification for further jerk behavior. I’m not even exactly sure what he would want me to apologize for.

I’ve tried asking Mom for advice, but he baffles her and she says there is nothing I can do. Pop couldn’t help when he was alive either, not only because he didn’t understand it but he was enduring his own continual insults from my brother. I watched Pop sit there sobbing after a phone call with my brother, while Pop was sick but not diagnosed. That makes me angrier than any of the things my brother ever did to me. Apparently, to this day my brother is angry at Pop for not finishing the extension. Well he died damn it!

 The point is, all these experts that lecture how you must go to any length to have a good relationship with your siblings, tell me how the hell I can fix this. All those years of putting up with it, trying to make peace, trying to talk, reflexively saying I was sorry, occasionally arguing back intently and generally enduring sure didn’t help........

[theunemployedrogue]

Jealous [Anders/Fenris]

Insp. by this post: ‘we’ve been fucking with no strings attached but i just saw you go upstairs with another guy and im drunk and following you both upstairs to punch the shit out of him’.

Wrote this a while back and finally decided to post it, since I don’t think I will ever write a second part as I originally intended. I do feel I got it to a good enough stopping point that it stands on its own though, so enjoy!

Fandom: Dragon Age II Pairing: Anders/Fenris Rating: PG (no actual sex, but sexual references) Words: 1892 Content warnings: Alcohol use, jealousy/possessiveness

Fenris growled and downed another gulp of the swill Varric had placed before him earlier that eve. The dwarf had given it high praise as “the only thing actually worth paying for at The Hanged Man” (though he’d later revised his claim after Isabela reminded him that she had a room there). Perhaps Aggregio Pavali had simply ruined him for all other spirits, but Fenris honestly couldn’t tell it apart from the usual piss water they drank on card nights.

He was now three pints in and nearing physical illness, and the shit still wasn’t doing its job. Oh, he was drunk. Perhaps drunker than he’d ever been, but damned if that meant anything. He still hadn’t managed to tear his attention away from the mage. His mage. His mage leaned heavily against an attractive blond human by the hearth fire, face pink from laughter, his amber eyes wide with unmistakable desire for the man at his side.

The drink had all but reduced Fenris’ world to a dizzy swirl of colors and light, but Anders alone remained bright and in focus, like some mortal lighthouse mocking him across a rageful sea.

The mage had quietly slipped into The Hanged Man alone several hours ago. Per usual, he arrived well after their larger party had already split itself across several smaller groups, and he’d drifted to the table with Hawke, Merrill, and Aveline without a glance Fenris’ way.  

Fenris had not expected Anders to acknowledge his presence. They rarely greeted one another in public, and did not converse outside of necessary discussions related to battle strategy or healing when they were among friends. Well...there was also the odd argument here and there, but never did they exchange a single word in public that might suggest an intimacy existed between them.

No one had any idea they shared one another’s bed, and had for some time. It was never a spoken rule that the affair had to remain secret, but neither of them seemed to think it was something their friends needed to know. They went about it discreetly, finding time during the lulls between assignments to wander unnoticed between their individual abodes. Their nights together were spent playing the part of lovers who touched and spoke softly, all the animosity between them suspended for a few hours as they took comfort in one another’s embrace.

When it was over, they left their tender words and gentle kisses in the cooling wetness on the sheets, throwing a quilt over everything until their next rendezvous. Things did not change when they met in Hawke’s company the following day, and things did not change on the nights they joined their friends for cards and drinks at The Hanged Man. Nothing had changed at all… at least, that’s what Fenris had believed until that night.

“Maker. You’re shit-faced, aren’t you, elf?”

Fenris reluctantly pulled his gaze from Anders to look at Varric, who was watching him with a smug expression on his face.

“Not quite,” he lied, the obvious slur in his voice earning a chuckle from both his table companions.

“You’re terribly drunk, sweetheart,” Isabela, who was hardly a shining example of sobriety herself at that point, clucked.  “So very drunk. Not a wonder, seeing as you elves have hardly a pinch of fat on you.”

The word ‘pinch’ was followed by the feel of Isabela’s fingers squeezing the little fold of plushness just above his hip. She giggled and let her hand slip down to rest against his thigh when Fenris didn’t admonish her.

Her advances were not always unwelcome, especially when he was well into his cups, but her touches that night were not accompanied by the usual spike of lust.

The sight of Anders had stirred a heat within him when the mage first arrived, but that heat was all but extinguished now. All he could focus on was the throbbing of his skull as his drunken mind tried to beat down his rage at seeing another so close to claiming what was rightfully his. His mage. Anders belonged to him.

“I really think it’s time to throw in the towel tonight, Broody,” Varric said, his smooth tone indicating he was the one among them that wasn’t completely sloshed. “Trust me, you’ve had more than enough if you’re making goo-goo eyes at the mage and I’m worried you’re seriously considering it.”

“What?” Isabela scoffed, turning to look at Anders over her shoulder before whipping her head back around. “When was that? Did I miss that?”

“You’ve missed a lot tonight, Rivaini. The toilet for one, I hear…”

“Oh, bah! Aveline’s just got her smalls in a twist because she wished she’d thought of squatting in the washbin!”

Isabela seemed to forget Varric’s remark about Anders, promptly segueing into a tale of her bathroom venture with Aveline and Merrill earlier that night. Fenris was glad when her hand left his thigh to gesture dramatically above her head instead. Free to escape the conversation while his friends were distracted, he rose from the table and prepared to weave his way through the crowd to the exit.

Fenris took less than a dozen stumbling steps toward the door before he was forced to brace himself against the wall. To say he was ‘shit-faced’ was an understatement. The room was turning somersaults in his vision, and he was pretty sure the only reason he hadn’t already puked all over himself was because his stomach couldn’t decide which way was up or down.

He knew he would immediately regret it, but he looked behind him toward the blaze of the fire in the hearth, seeking the calm of Anders’ presence to ground him.

His body lurched forward suddenly, and Fenris swallowed the bile in his throat.

Anders was gone from his place by the fire -- though not far, he quickly realized. He caught sight of the mage’s shabby coat just as Anders disappeared up the stairs to the second floor with the handsome blond human.

Something crashed loud and wet against the tavern floor. Fenris heard angry curses at his back and felt the sting of where he’d slammed his hipbone against the table, but his body kept moving forward of its own accord. He was only vaguely aware of Hawke’s teasing call to him as he stormed up the stairs behind Anders. Everything was bloody loud and twisted and wrong side up, but somehow he knew the room Anders would choose and was there to block the door when the mage and his would-be lover arrived.

“Fenris?” Anders said, his voice puzzled.

“You mind, elf?” the other human barked. “You’re in the way.”

Fenris snarled and moved forward, hands balled into fists, but Anders pushed him back before he could strike the man. He relaxed briefly feeling Anders press against him, then wrapped a possessive arm around the mage’s middle.

“Hey, get off him you--!”

“Relax Will, he’s a friend… well, a friend of a friend. A...known acquaintance?”

“I am his lover,” Fenris growled, tightening his grip.

Will regarded Anders with a scandalized expression.

“Is he mad or just drunk out of his mind?”

“Clearly drunk by the smell of him,” Anders said with a forced chuckle. “Look...I think he may need a healer’s attention. I really hate to…”

“Anders, I’m not going to leave you alone with this delusional elf! Give him here, I’m tossing him out!”

“Just try, human.”

“Will, just go, please,” Anders pleaded weakly. “I know him, he isn’t going to hurt me. He’s sick, I need to help him. Please. I...I’m sorry.”

Will lingered for a few moments, glaring daggers at Fenris, before finally stalking off in the direction of the stairs. The moment he was out of sight, Fenris yanked open the door to the room behind them and pulled Anders inside. The room was meagerly furnished, containing only a small bed and bedside table where several candles burned.

Anders moved away from Fenris as the elf slammed and locked the door behind him. The mage’s calm demeanor vanished when Fenris tried to approach him.

“I can’t believe you!” Anders hissed. “You’d better thank the Maker you’re drunk, otherwise I’d have let him have at you like you damned deserve for a stunt like that!”

“I would have killed him.”

“Huh...yes, probably,” Anders muttered. “Dammit all, Fenris, you really know how to ruin a man’s night, you know that?”

“You are mine.”

“I’m what?” Anders spat, his lips curving upward in a sneer. “I don’t belong to you or anyone else, Fenris! I’m a person, not a piece of property. I can’t believe you of all people--”

Anders sighed in exasperation.

“Maker, and you’re being a bloody hypocrite on top of everything! I mean, it’s perfectly all right for you to fool around with Isabela, but I’m not allowed to sleep with other people? Is that how it is?”

“I’ve not slept with Isabela since the first time you and I--” The words ‘made love’ burned in the back of Fenris’ throat, but he swallowed them down at the last instant. “--went to bed together.”

“Oh, please. I see the way she’s always all over you! You’re not exactly pushing her off when she’s crawling half-naked into your lap.”

“That is as far as I’ve allowed her to go for the past several months,” Fenris said. “Yes, she still invites me to her bed, but I...I just can’t anymore.”

Anders narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, looking confused.

“You...really haven’t slept with her since you and I…?”

“No. I’ve not slept with anyone.”

“I...I actually haven’t been with anyone else either. This thing with Will… I honestly had no idea he was even interested in me until tonight. It’s just...when he started flirting with me I realized it’d been nearly three weeks since we last…”

“I wanted to see you,” Fenris said. “I just...assumed I visited far too often.”

“Fenris...seriously?” Anders smiled, some of his anger seeming to ebb. “You thought I had a problem with a gorgeous elf fucking me into oblivion every day of the week?”

“I...I don’t know…It’s just that I was...unnerved by the sort of feelings I was starting to develop for you, so I tried to stay away...”

“Maker,” Anders sighed, running a hand through his hair. “This probably isn’t a conversation we need to have while you’re drunk. Why don’t you sleep it off here and we’ll talk in the morning?”

Fenris let Anders to lead him to the bed and lay him down, but when he grabbed the front of Anders’ robes and attempted to tug him on top of him, he was quickly rejected.

“Want you,” Fenris said, his attempt at a seductive tone completely ruined by way his voice slurred.

“Fenris, you couldn’t get it up right now if you tried. Even if you could, the answer is no. We’re not doing anything while you’re like this.”

“Please. Anders, I--”

Fenris attempted to grab hold of Anders’ robes once more. He caught Anders’ muttered ‘sorry’ just as the mage pressed his fingers to his temple, sending a sleeping spell coursing through his body.

“In the morning, Fenris,” Anders said softly, gazing down at the snoozing elf.

Fenris wasn’t the only one who needed some time to think.

[lozbotwstuff-blog]

Bad Ideas

Summary: Sometimes, you have bad ideas. Some end worse than others, this one in particular.

Title: Bad Ideas (Pt. I of ?) Word Count: 1 484 (between a drabble and a fic, woops) Warnings: Cursing, boulders, falling. Characters: Revali, Reader Relationships: None, yet.

Author’s Note: I WROTE MOST OF THIS AT ONE AM IM SO SORRY GUYS - mod q

Maybe this was a bad idea. This was probably a bad idea.

This was totally a bad idea.

Maybe you should have realized that before you ended up hundreds -- thousands? -- of feet above Hyrule, sitting on a boulder with your last octoballoons on their last legs. In the distance, the dragon, Naydra, made the descent toward the soil from the heavens, and you watched your perch. The crisp morning air bit at your pointed ears, and your arms and legs had long since numbed from how cold it was up here. You had run out of cold resistance elixirs, and your traveling clothes weren't nearly as warm as anything made for temperatures this low.

Your breath clouded in front of your face, and you put another octoballoon on the boulder just as another popped, and you stood and balanced as it swung. That was your last octoballoon. Another pop and you didn't have another to replace what was. You hopped over to where the last balloon was, not at all ready for it to pop. In fact, in your desperation to continue living, you started talking to the damned thing.

"Hey, little octoballoon. Please don't pop. I really, really don't want to die today. I have a lot going for me! I'm smart, good-looking, and clever! You really shouldn't pop, so that I don't die. Like, seriously don't-"

It popped.

And down you and the boulder went, with you screaming for dear life and clinging to the damn thing. But soon the cold air seared your throat, and you merely grit your teeth and separated from the boulder. If you died, you didn't want to die clinging to a damn boulder. No, you would spend your last moments messing around in the air as you fall to your death.

So, for what felt like a long while, you 'sat' in the air, thinking about the world soon approaching that you would leave behind once you squished against it. Like a cucco egg being dropped. Above, the boulder was falling, since you had dove down lower beneath it simple because you wanted to. Only about a two hundred feet until you hit the ground, you could assume, when you saw a figure soaring through the sky. Immediately recognizing the wings of a Rito in the place of arms, you dove toward the flying figure, hoping you wouldn't take both of you to your death.

Luckily for you, they were just below you, and it was a straight dive toward them. It was then you felt a tug at your back, and you realized your glider was catching the wind. Your glider!? How had you forgotten your recent acquirement? Smacking yourself in the head angrily, you immediately spread it out and glided lazily, no longer risking death. Perfect.

That is until you remember there's also a falling boulder, and that both you and the Rito are in its sights. Yelling towards them, you swore when your warnings were caught and carried off by the vicious winds. In a quick movement, you switched your legs into the loops of your glider, somehow tilting your hips so that you could steer. Thank goodness you learned to somehow fly like this when you first got the glider, for some odd reason.

The wind rushed you toward the Rito, which you observed to have dark, stone blue colored feathers, and you grasped his sky blue scarf in your hand. And steered your glider in the entirely opposite direction, dragging the Rito by his scarf. You felt bad for having to choke him momentarily by his scarf, but you knew a temporary strangling was less than a permanent death.

Grabbing his waist instead of his scarf, you slowed your panicked speed in favor of a steady glide. It was then the Rito regained his senses and began struggling in your form grasp, his bow knocking into your face frequently. "What are you doing!? You nearly killed me!" he yelled right into your face, and you cringed backward. Before you spoke, you steadied your grip on him so that he didn't fall. Sure, he could probably save himself now, but he didn't deserve the stress.

"Look I'm sorry, but I'm sure you wouldn't want to be squished beneath a boulder," you quipped back.

"What boulder!?" he, for lack of a better word, squawked into your face.

It was then the massive rock came whizzing by, impacting the earth with a thundering boom that rocked the landscape. Luckily, you were in the open wilderness, where the open space was void of anything but the random bokoblin camp or rock structure. Sighing in relief, you steered the glider to a landing space, still upside down and holding the unnamed Rito in your arms.

"Still, really sorry for grabbing you like that, but I'm pretty sure you would prefer me to that boulder, right?" you asked, before pointing out silently that they were incoming toward the ground. "Just stick out your legs like a normal landing," you hummed, and as he touched the ground, you let him go. Deciding it would be best if you landed now and fully explained yourself, you spread your hands out and, grasping the ground with gloved hands, kicked your feet out of the glider's holders and righting yourself, before picking up the fallen glider.

You brushed your windswept hair from your face, momentarily resting your hands on your knees before standing straight. The Rito was now standing straight and looking at you with a look that could kill the mightiest moblin. It was then you recognized who he was, and physically slammed your hand into your forehead, before falling back onto the grasses. "I took Revali, Champion of the Wind, Captain of Vah Medoh, and best archer of the Rito out of the sky. Good job, me," you said, loud and sarcastic.

"Well, at least you recognized my prowess and many titles. But I don't recognize you, or why you just fell out of the sky, followed by a FALLING BOULDER!?" he yelled, and you sighed. Looking to your far right, you could still see the grand monstrosity that had almost killed you both. A breathless laugh on your part, before you let your head fall back again.

"I'll give you a few hints, and you can put it together. Two hundred octoballoons, a big boulder, a stupid adventurer who initially forgot they had a glider on them," you say, before punctuating your words with a groan of pain. Your muscles ached, and you were sure walking would be a pain in the ass. Literally.

"You're not kidding about the stupid part," Revali voiced and you cracked an eye open to manage what could be somewhat called a glare. You didn't know anymore. Honestly, you just wanted to sleep, and you were sure this pain would last a very long time if you didn't do something about it now. Finally sitting up, you looked around the area.

"Um, is my bag anywhere? My legs hurt and I have some healing stuff in there," you said, standing up on your feet and looking around for it. You knew you had had it with you on the boulder, where else would you have gotten the two hundred octoballoons? Oh god, was it still up there? Groaning, you looked up, and sure enough, a dark blob was hurtling downward, right toward where Revali was standing. Groaning again, you warned him, "Hey, you might want to move backward a bit. My bag is about to fall on top of you."

He gave you another look, before warily stepping back, and sure enough, down splattered your bag. Cracks and the sounds of shattering glass resonated in the air, and you sighed in exasperation. "So much for my healing stuff. Anyway, I'm really sorry for.. grabbing you out of the air while hanging from my glider by my feet, but I guess you can cross that off your bucket list!" you apologized, the air soon ringing with your nervous laughter. Now, this was awkward. Grabbing your bag from before his feet, you slung it on your back and gave an awkward wave. "Yeah, I'm.. going. I don't have a place to be or anything, I'm an adventurer after all, but um, this is super awkward and if looks could kill I'd be dead a hundred times over."

With that you turned and ran, escaping his brutal stare despite your aching legs. You whistled loudly, and your horse came running beside you, to which you leaped onto it and galloped off. At least a mile away, you leaned back in the saddle and sighed. Oh god, that had been bad. Sitting back up, you looked to the horizon. Almost dusk, you concluded, and you were beat. Trotting away from the awful encounter, you nearly rejoiced with relief, glad that was over.

Oh, how wrong you were.

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

[5hfanfiction]

Say You Won't Let Go - Chapter 2

Camila was loving her time in Texas with Ally. Her family has treated Camila like one of their own. They even went as far as getting a couple Christmas gifts for the younger Latina girl, so she wouldn’t be left out when everyone was opening presents. Camila felt loved and safe around them. A safety she hasn’t felt in a while.

It also helps that she’s been talking to Lauren Jauregui from time to time. Lauren has been so nice, and sweet. Incredibly supportive about the channel. On top of all that, she’s hilarious. Every time they speak Camila has a lasting smile.

It was the day before New Years Eve, Camila and Ally were getting ready to go to the movies. Camila’s mind kept wandering to Lauren. When Lauren first wrote to her on twitter she freaked out. She couldn’t help but to tell Lauren over and over how amazing she was. Her phone started buzzing, and her smile grew.

Lauren: When do I get to see that beautiful face? 😏

KC: lol what makes u think im beautiful?

Lauren: well we’ve been DMing for about 2 weeks, & I conclude that even if ur not physically what the world would deem as beautiful, ur personality shines brighter than anything. Ur so funny, and crazy nice. Ur passion for music is undeniable. Thats beautiful. Thats u.

KC: Ur very charming Lauren. im not sure if that’s a good thing 🤔

Lauren: Its good, trust me. Not everyone gets this side of me. Lol

Lauren: Don’t u think u gotta show ur face eventually?

KC: Maybe, idk 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lauren: What are u going to do?

KC: What do u mean?

Lauren: Like with ur voice? Do u want to be bigger than “youtube star?”

KC: I haven’t thought about it. I never thought I’d be good enough for being anything else really. I never even thought I’d have more than 100 followers if im being honest.

Lauren: lol u really thought that? ur crazy gifted.

KC: I cant with ur compliments.

Lauren: telling the truth darling. ur voice is amazing, I’m sure u r beautiful. Ur chill af, with occasional fan girling, ur modest, ur a dork, ur sweet. Ur what this industry needs. Ur what girls will look up to, & boys would want to bring home to meet mom. The whole package.

KC: ahhh ur killing me. Seriously ur words are unbelievable. All this coming from YOU.

KC: Ur so beautiful.

KC: Not ur looks

KC: I mean, yes ur beautiful like that

KC: Why am I so awkward…

Lauren: lol Relax chicken, breathe.

KC: I mean, ur mind. ur words are kind, and inspiring.

Lauren: lol I’m just being honest dork

KC: atleast I’m a cute talented dork 😄

Lauren: Eh, ur ok

KC: lmao sure jan. do the words “unreasonably obsessed” sound familiar?

Lauren: doesn’t ring a bell

KC: Oh really? K. I guess I’ll be leaving! It was nice talking to u.

Lauren: Wait wait, no no. Don’t go. I’m joking

KC: New phone 📱 who dis?

Lauren: Lmao ur an idiot.

KC: 👋🏻

Lauren: Fine if that’s what u want KC. It was nice talking u. Just wanted to let u know I actually think ur talented. I hope u get everything u want in this world.

KC: Seriously, all jokes aside. Thank u, so much Lauren. It means alot. I’m happy I fan girl less when you hmu. Sometimes I’m like “DID LAUREN JUST SLIDE IN MY DMS?” Cus like You’re YOU, & I’m just me. And You telling me I have a nice voice, it’s like AHHHHH

Lauren: You’re not JUST you…you’re amazing.

KC: Uhhh 🙈 Thank you Laur, but I gotta go, going to the movies.

Lauren: Ok KC, hmu later? I enjoy talking to you. :D have a good night.

KC: Potassium

Lauren: what are u talking about?

KC: Potassium. What’s the periodic symbol?

Lauren: K? ….. OH! Wow, u are really a dork. Wow. Bye now. lol 😂

—————————-

It was around 11pm when Ally and Camila left the movie theater. Ally was hungry and Camila never turned down food, so they decided to stop at the Waffle house. They were browsing the menu when Camila got a twitter notification.

@LaurenJauregui: Yooo @KC_LoveOnly where’s that new cover thooo?

She smiled reading the tweet. She had been done with the video days ago, but she was nervous about uploading it knowing that a specific green eyed pop star would watch it. On top of that she decided to cover one of The Holy Trinity’s songs.

@KC_LoveOnly: Girl, when I know that ur a part of my audience, I GOT to make sure its peeeerrrfffecctt!! @LaurenJauregui

“Ally Brooke? Is that you!?!” Camila heard someone behind her say. Ally squealed hopping up from her seat. When Camila turned around her mouth hit the ground. She saw Ally hugging none other than 1/3 of The Holy Trinity, Normani Kordei.

Ally and Normani were best friends before Normani moved to Miami. They talked for a couple months before losing touch.

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be taking over the world with your voice?” Ally asked excitedly.

Normani laughed, “Well we finally got a break for the holidays, my family came here.”

“Are you eating here alone?” Ally asked noticing no one was with Normani.

“I was going to get some food and head home” she replied.

“No! Come sit with us!” Normani looked towards Ally’s table, eyeing Camila.

“Is she going to be okay?” she asked Ally, noticing Camila was stunned and still had her mouth open.

“Oh, that’s my best friend. I guess she might be a little star struck.” Ally snapped her fingers in front of Camila, who shook herself out of the shock she was in.

Normani laughed while sitting down next to Ally. Camila thought Normani’s smile could kill her.

“I’m Normani,” she reached her hand out to shake Camila’s.

“Y-yeah, I know. I mean, how can I not? You’re you!” Camila rambled. “I’m Camila Cabello.” She said shaking Normani’s hand.

“You’re cute Camila. Relax though, I’m not going to bite.” Camila ducked her head down shyly. “You’re lucky you’re not meeting my bandmates, they can be a little…rowdy. They might bite.” Normani joked, trying to put Camila at ease.

Normani and Ally caught up for a bit while they ate. Normani made sure to include Camila into the conversation, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. Camila was surprised to see how down to earth Normani was.

“Hey, you girls should come over my house for a little. We can continue to catch up!” Normani suggested.

“That would be so much fun!” Ally exclaimed.

“Are you sure it’s okay if I come? I don’t want to intrude on your friendship reconnection. I can just go back to Ally’s,” Camila said timidly.

“Seriously? Talking to Ally and you has made me feel so…normal. I could use some normality. So yes, I’m inviting you to my house. We will talk, watch a movie, just hangout. Pleasssse come!” Normani begged Camila.

“Okay, okay!”

——————————–

When the girls got to Normani’s house she gave them a quick tour. Ally got to see Normani’s parents after years. She was happy that they still recognized her, and they were glad she was doing well.

They reached Normani’s room, and Camila launched herself onto the king-sized bed.

“This is sooooo comfy,” she said while rolling around. “Adopt me Normani.”

Ally and Normani laughed. Ally pushed Camila over to the other side of bed, and made herself comfortable. Normani turned on the TV, and started browsing Netflix sitting between the two girls.

“So how did you two meet?” she asked the girls, focusing on finding something to watch.

“College—Friends!” Camila shouted. “Please put on Friends. I love it.”

Normani chuckled at her and put on a random episode.

“As she was saying,” Ally continued, “We met in college.”

“Cool, so we are all the same age?” Normani said unsure.

“No, she’s almost two years younger than us. I didn’t want to live on campus and my past roommates were all crazy. I couldn’t afford living on my own, Camila had an ad looking for a roommate. I thought it was a good idea to get to know a roommate before having to live with them.” Ally explained.

“She fell in love with my dorky charm,” Camila said still focused on the TV.

“It’s true,” Ally joked, “Unfortunately.”

“Unfortunately?!” Camila threw her hands up, “Without my nerdy clumsiness, we would’ve never been roommates! I wouldn’t have the world’s best friend. I’d be stuck with Shawn. I love him, but he’s NOT you! I wouldn’t be sitting here enjoying Friends.” She exclaimed.

“You’d still be watching Friends somewhere. Relax. I love you, I’m glad we met.” Ally reassured her.

“Hmmph,” Camila folded her arms turning back to the TV.

Normani laughed at the two girls. “You go to Miami University and you didn’t come to see me?”

“Girl, you were touring by that time,” Ally responded. “How did all that happen by the way? The Holy freaking Trinity!”

Normani chuckled, “Ahhhh, where do I start?”

“Well, I know how you all met. We heard your recent interview,” Ally said.

“Oh, keeping tabs on me?” Normani joked.

At the sound of the interview Camila’s head shot up. She didn’t want Ally to tell Normani about KC. She thought it might be odd, and look bad. They mentioned her in an interview, then she somehow manages to bump into one of them.

“Sorry but no. Actually, Mila—”

“I just stumbled on it, and showed her.” Camila cut Ally off, giving her a pleading look. Ally nodded in understanding.

“It’s cool, happy to be in the company of a fan,” Normani winked at Camila. “Well, I don’t know what to add to that. After meeting Demi, the next day she introduced us to Simon Cowell. He was concerned that we were too young. Me and Lauren were 16, and Dinah freaking 15.”

“Was he mean like on TV?” Camila asked.

“Opposite, he so sweet. We are signed to his label now, throughout the whole process he was so helpful. I mean we were just teenagers trying to chase our dream.” Normani said. “Before signing a contract there was a lot of back and forward with our parents, because of school.”

“That’s awesome!” Camila said.

“Yeah!” She paused thinking fondly of the memories. “It took a lot to get where we are, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

“That’s really cool, I’m so happy for you.” Ally said, hugging her old friend.

“Thank you, Ally.” Normani smiled into the hug.

After the embrace, the girls continued talking. Normani was elated to reconnect with Ally, but she was happier to get to know Camila. She thought the younger girl was adorable and dorky. Camila reminded Normani of Dinah.

The talking died down after about an hour, and the girls watched Friends. It took Ally about 2 episodes before she fell asleep.

“We should probably get going,” Camila said pointing out a sleeping Ally.

“Don’t be silly, stay the night,” Normani said sleepily. “I’ll get you some clothes to sleep in.”

She rubbed her eyes getting off the bed and rummaged through her draws. She pulled out a muscle tank top, and white shorts, handing them to Camila.

“Thank you, Normani. For everything, for letting a stranger stay here—”

“Stop, it’s all okay.” Normani cut her off, as she placed a reassuring hand on Camila’s shoulder. “You’re chill. A little quirky, but cool. It’s nice hanging out with people who aren’t trying to use me.”

“Thank you,” Camila replied giving her a hug.

When she let go of Normani she went to get changed in the bathroom. By the time she got out, Normani was already sleeping.

Camila shut the TV off and got comfortable in bed. She kept plenty of space between herself and Normani, not wanting to wake the older girl up while she used her phone.

She was on tumblr for about an hour, before she put on her headphones and decided to watch her video one more time before uploading it.

In the middle of her video, she got a text from Kellz. They’ve been talking every day since they exchanged numbers. He’s a nice guy. A bit insane, but she loved how care free he lived.

Kellz🎸: I think I just broke my face dude

Milz🎶: What do you mean?

Kellz🎸: I was just drunk fucking around. Running on cars. Fell smashed my face into the ground.

Milz🎶: Oh what different lives we live.

Kellz🎸: Lmao truu. So I’m playing a show in Miami in a couple weeks, u coming right? U get to see how I live first hand.

Milz🎶: For sure, just don’t let me break my face.

Kellz🎸: No promises Milz.

Milz🎶: Oh godddd

Kellz🎸: Turns out, my face isn’t the only thing I broke. Broke my arm to lol

Milz🎶: I’m rethinking this friendship, I think I’m going to get hurt just by being friends with you

Milz🎶: I’m rethinking this friendship, I think I’m going to get hurt just by being friends with you.

Kellz🎸: Nahhhh, u can’t leave me. We haven’t recorded a song yet!

Milz🎶: I thought we were merely writing a song? Now we are recording one?

Kellz🎸: Hell yeah! I can’t wait to chill with u! Explore that creative cool brain of urs.

Milz🎶: I’m not so sure about cool? Lol

Kellz🎸: Bro, just by the things you say when we text, I can tell ur crazy creative. That’s cool as fuck.

Camila felt the bed vibrating followed by an obnoxiously loud ring. After a couple of rings, she felt Normani shuffle around the bed.

“Girl don’t give me a reason to hate you, pick up that damn phone,” Normani grumbled.

Camila held back a laugh, “It’s not mine, grumpy.”

Normani huffed feeling around the bed for her phone. When she found it, she answered annoyed “You better be dying, there is no other reason to be calling at this ungodly hour!” Her toned soften after a moment. “Of course, babe. Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, pausing allowing the other person to talk. “Okay, you know where the spare key is. I love you.” She hung up, and looked at Camila.

“I’m sorry for being grouchy, I don’t like to be woken up. But why are you still awake? Is everything okay?” She said, concerned laced in her voice.

Camila pinched her cheeks, “Care about me already?!” she joked. “I just couldn’t sleep.” Camila yawned, “But I guess I’m getting tired now. Everything okay with your phone call?”

Normani nodded, “Yeah, my best friend is coming in a couple hours. I’m going to head back to sleep until she gets here.” She snuggled up to Ally. “Get some sleep Mila, goodnight.”

“Night Normani.”

Camila posted her video before turning off her phone. She got comfortable and headed to sleep. She was excited to meet one of Normani’s friends, hopefully they were just as chill.

———————————

Lauren was loving every minute of being home. She didn’t realize how much she missed her family. She missed her mother’s forehead kisses, and her father’s bear hugs. She missed hanging out with her siblings, Taylor and Chris. She was happy to see everyone’s faces when they opened Christmas presents from her.

She was more than happy to be talking to KC every so often. She thought the girl was talented, and after talking she liked her dorky personality. She hoped to see her face, but KC won’t let up.

It’s the day before New Year’s Eve, and she was schedule to make a club appearance. She was rummaging through her closet looking for something to wear for tonight when her sister came in and jumped on her bed. “So, what are your plans for tonight?”

“I’m kind of hosting this party at some club. Luckily, it’s not a singing job, just a partying one.” Lauren said, doing a little dance.

“Just don’t party too hard, you know dad doesn’t like your ‘Bad Girl” image. It certainly doesn’t help when you’re actually out there partying.“

Lauren and her dad have had their fair share of arguments about her bad girl tendencies. She’s never been one for rules, even when she was younger. When she went to California for the spring break where she met Dinah, her dad said no but she left anyways. She was grounded until that summer. "Dad will get over it like he always does.” She told Taylor.

Lauren pulled out her phone to listen to KC while she got ready to go. She was bummed when she noticed that KC hasn’t posted a new video since The Holy Trinity interview. Lauren hoped that didn’t scare her away.

@LaurenJauregui: Yooo @KC_LoveOnly where’s that new cover thooo?

Lauren smiled at her phone before locking it and tossing it on her bed. She continued looking through her clothes before picking out a cute black velvet dress.

After she showered, did her makeup, and got into her dress she took a picture for twitter. She was about to post when she got a tweet from K.C

@KC_LoveOnly: Girl, when I know that ur a part of my audience, I GOT to make sure its peeeerrrfffecctt!! @LaurenJauregui

Lauren laughed, and continued to posted her picture.

@LaurenJauregui: We outttttt tonight! 🎉

————————————

It was about 3:30 in the morning and Lauren was stumbling home. While at the club she ran into her old friend Vero. They danced all night and drank way too much.

They made a trip to the bathroom where Vero gave Lauren some coke. It wasn’t her first time doing it, within minutes she was dangerously high.

“Shhhit” Lauren cursed, trying to unlock her front door. She didn’t understand why she had so many keys, but most of all she couldn’t figure out which one opened her door.

“Ahhhhhh, that’s the one!” she said, tip toeing into her living room.

She whispered, “Honey! I’m home,” as she stumbled into an end table knocking over a lamp.

“Shhhhhh! You’re going to wake up papa, you stupid lamp!” she whispered shouted at it, while giggling. She heard someone clear their throat. When she turned around she was met with her fathers disappointed look. “Too late,” she laughed.

“Lauren, if you’re going to come home drunk at 3 in the morning can you at least keep it down. What kind of influence do you think this behavior is on your sister?”

Lauren immediately got angry. She thought she was a great influence on Taylor. She followed her dreams, and became an accomplished artist. Everything she does is for her family.

“I’m a suspectful..susss..successful influence on her.” She stated drunkenly, while her dad looked at her unimpressed, adding to her anger. She tossed her purse onto the sofa, and ran her fingers through her hair.

“Dad whatdoya w-want from me? I’m in what is probably the biggest girl group of this time!” she grinned widely, pleased with her career. “Everyone should be proud and inspired by me” she slurred.

“How can I be proud when I have to sit back and see pictures of my little girl stumbling out of clubs? I just want you to be careful. I don’t want you to do anything stupid Lauren.” Her dad sighed.

“I just go out to blow off steam—”

He cut her off, “What steam? You’re in the biggest girl group!” he mocked.

“Whatever dad. Just let me sssleep this off. Pleasee, yell at me later. You give me a headache” she groaned, rubbing her temples.

He sighed in defeat. “Fine, but here…don’t forget your things.” He picked up her bag to hand it to her. “Listen Mija, I love you and please know I’m proud of –” He stopped when he noticed some things spilling out of the purse. Lauren eyes grew wide when I saw the little baggy of white powder drop in front of his feet.

“Lauren, are you fucking kidding me? You’re stupid enough to bring drugs into my house? Around your siblings?” She looked down, not baring to see the disappointment in his eyes. “You know what! Get the hell out!”

She looked at him shocked, “What do you mean? Where am I supposed to go? It’s practically New Years Eve!”

“I don’t care where you go, but you’re not fucking staying here. I’m not dealing with your bullshit.” He spat. He reached down and grabbed the baggy before walking to the kitchen. “Go with the person who gave you this for all I fucking care.”

Lauren turned around not really knowing what do, she punched the wall until her hand was swollen. She took out her phone about to call the only person she can think of when her brother came downstairs.

“What’s going on Lauren?” Chris asked sleepily rubbing his eyes. She didn’t say anything but bury her face into his chest, as he wrapped his arms around her.

He never seen her this upset before, he didn’t know what to do but he knew not to press the issue.

“Can you take me to the airport?” she mumbled into him. He nodded, releasing her and headed up the stairs to grab his keys. Lauren brought the phone to her ear praying that it doesn’t go to voicemail.

“You better be dying, there is no other reason to be calling at this ungodly hour.”

“Is that offer to go to Texas still available?” Lauren sniffled.

“Of course, babe. Do you want to talk about it?” Normani asked.

“Not really.”

—————————-

Lauren was sitting at the airport, she luckily didn’t have to deal with paparazzi being that it was late. She did have to wait for her plane to be ready, due to the late notice. She sobered up as best to her abilities, which meant puking her guts out in the airport bathroom, and drinking water.

She scrolled through tumblr trying to push the thoughts of her argument with her dad out of her mind. She quickly forgot about everything when she got a notification that KC uploaded a new video. She clicked to watch the video:

“Hey pumkins! As promised I’m here to answer a few questions. I took the liberty to write down them down, as well as the answer. Hope you like!” KC said.

She had written down the questions on notecards with the answers on the back, and held them to the camera.

1. What do you look like?

She turned the card over and showed a horrible drawing of a girl stick figure. The answer read, “I look like a person. I have hair, eyes, a mouth, nose. The whole shebang.”

2. Where are you from?

“I grew up in Florida. I’m just around here and there ;)”

3. What inspires you?

“People. Love. Art itself.”

4. Who are some of your favorite musicians?

“I think Ed Sheeran is fantastic. And Taylor Swift influences me to write.”

5. What do you do?

“Well, this. I post videos, but I guess if you’re asking besides this…I go to college.”

“Okay,” she spoke, “I think that’s enough questions. I must keep some mystery to me. It’s a part of my charm, don’t you think?” She joked. “As many of you know a very talented girl group said they liked my channel. One girl specifically, so this next cover is for her.”

She started strumming.

I don’t admit it, I play it cool

But every minute, that I’m with you

I feel the fever, and I won’t lie

I break a sweat.

My body’s telling,

All the secrets I ain’t told you yet.

I struggle to contain,

The love that’s in my veins,

And how it circulates.

If you could take my pulse right now,

It would feel just like a sledgehammer.

If you could feel my heart beat now,

It would hit you like a sledgehammer.

You’re taken over the beat of my body.

You just don’t let up, don’t let up.

You’re taken over the beat of my body.

But you lift me up, lift me up.

If you take my pulse right now,

It would feel just like a sledgehammer.

So close together, so far apart.

You’re turning me on,

And my fires waiting for your spark.

I struggle to contain,

The love that’s in my veins,

And how it circulates.

If you could take my pulse right now,

It would feel just like a sledgehammer.

If you could feel my heart beat now,

It would hit you like a sledgehammer.

You’re taken over the beat of my body.

You just don’t let up, don’t let up.

You’re taken over the beat of my body.

But you lift me up, lift me up.

If you take my pulse right now,

It would feel just like a sledgehammer.

The truth is out, no stopping now.

I’m getting closer.

I’ve had enough, undress my love.

I’m coming over.

If you could take my pulse right now,

It would feel just like a sledgehammer.

Ooooh

If you take my pulse right now,

It would feel like a sledgehammer.

Hammer, Hammerrrr

If you take my puuuulse

If you could take my pulse right now,

It would feel just like a sledgehammer.

If you could feel my heart beat now,

It would hit you like a sledgehammer.

You’re taken over the beat of my body.

You just don’t let up, don’t let up.

You’re taken over the beat of my body.

But you lift me up, lift me up.

If you take my pulse right now,

It would feel just like a sledgehammer.

She finished strumming, “Well I hope you enjoyed it. Remember, love only.”

Lauren heard a voice clear their throat behind her, “Excuse me, Miss Jauregui the plane is ready.”

“Thank you,” she replied getting up from her seat. She went outside towards the plane, and tweeting something before getting on.

@LaurenJauregui: Listen to @KC_LoveOnly ’s new cover. I’m in love! 😍  I think you’ll like the song choice. She’s amazing, follow her!!

[kristens-chaotic-life]

Just Breathe...Update 3

Well I wonder how long this one will take me to write...if I go the rate of my last one it will be awhile. But we will see what happens. (Update its only taking me 2.5 days so far, and I might actually finish it tonight) And I have a good feeling this will be just as long if not longer than my last update.  Personal Growth...my mental health. Something really important. And there is so much to be said here. 

**And just kinda a heads up now that I’ve written a good 3 pages here...this entry is mostly discussing my journey through counseling and talking about how I have an amazing therapist. As well as how important it is to get the help you need (and deserve!) 

***Adding now that I finished this: To some people this entry might seem silly, or weird, or you are wondering why I wrote this. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to some. Or maybe it doesn’t seem like there's personal growth here. But that's ok. I found it to be harder to put down into words than I expected it to be. There's so much more to be said here. So it turned more into my story, my journey. And if maybe one person who reads this can relate, or feel like they aren’t alone, then this blog served its purpose <3

I want to start with sharing something I posted on my facebook back in July:

I have seen a lot of people mention lately about being diagnosed as having anxiety and not knowing what to do about it, or having doctors who do not seem to care about helping. Or people who will tell you its all made up and you need to just deal with it. Or the misconception that if you have anxiety you must also have depression. That isnt true either! But not getting your anxiety under control can certainly lead to that! Sure most people have some sort of anxiety, but some people might need a little extra help managing that, and that's totally ok!! Get the help you need, so that you can be YOU! Not the same thing works for all people. Some might find help in medications(scripts or natural alternatives, I currently use a combo, very low dose med in combination with CBD) or sometimes having a counselor/therapist does wonders or maybe you need both! I can say 100% talking to a therapist/counselor has made a world of difference in the level of anxiety I feel on a day to day basis and managing it. Why am I saying this? Maybe there is someone out there too afraid to reach out, because they are embarrassed or they are being told their anxiety "is not that bad". (I know some people who have been turned away from help because they aren't "that bad" because there are a lot of places who won't consider seeing you unless you are literally mentioning self harm or can't even care for yourself anymore). There are other options ❤ I would be glad to point anyone in the right direction to find one of those places! Just know you are not alone ❤ and that you should not ever feel bad about needing a little extra help! And if anyone ever wants to talk Im here! Do not settle if what your doctor is telling you or giving you doesn't work or help. Keep looking!

(For the record, I am fine. I have not, nor ever been depressed, never considered self harm, and have not been concerned about my ability to take care of myself or children. Just had been an anxiety filled mess! But with the help of an awesome therapist/counselor and an amazing office I have been able to manage it! Other than your normal things that come up and cause anxiety of course lol)

Alright, So I know that I’ve always had a little bit of anxiety. I feel like pretty much everyone does.. Some are able to control it and some need some help.  I used to think I handled it pretty well. I remember having a few episodes of social anxiety where I’d be at a grocery store and get overwhelmed if it was too busy and being like screw this I’m out. Abandon cart and get the hell out of there. This still happens some but I don’t abandon cart since it typically has a child in it lol. I checkout whatever I got and call it a day, and come back when I can. But a few years ago I got into a weird phobia that was overtaking my life. When I had episodes I would be in total panic mode and seriously could not function. I’d shut down anywhere from hours to days where I would do nothing other than tend to this fear. The specific fear is irrelevant so I’m not getting into what it was over. I’ve opened up to a few people about what it was. But really this can apply to a lot of fears or phobias. Finally I decided to seek help in helping me deal with this. My friends didn’t know what to say to help. Zach didn’t know what to say to help. I was embarrassed to talk to people about it. But I was miserable.  So I started counseling. I’d say this was a little over 2 years ago when I started my counseling journey. Prior to that I did see my family doctor and they put my on zoloft, and just kept upping my script to see if it would help. I started seeing a therapist, and she was great. We talked things through, worked on some strategies to deal with what was going on. After a couple months things were fine. Or so they seemed. I was discharged from the office. A few months later things got worse again and I went back to the office. Also started seeing someone  there and having him in charge of my meds instead of my family doctor. That change made a big difference. We stopped my zoloft and switched over to a low dose of buspar. I finally had someone that listened when I said hey this medicine is not helping me. We keep bumping up the script and all that is happening is I’m getting killer migraines! This is not ok. So that switch made a huge difference.  Shortly after that the therapist I was seeing left. And I was switched to someone new. This created a huge panic in me. I had been talking to someone that knew me, knew what was going on, seemed to be helpful and just like that gone, and I’d have to start over. For me trusting someone is pretty hard. And being able to be open is a challenge. So then they told me who they were putting me with, now I didn’t know anyone else in the office so I didn’t have a preference really. But  they said we will put you with Chad.. I just kinda looked at them and was like ummm...soo...if this doesn’t work can I switch please? The thought of telling everything that was going on with me to a male was just not something I feel like I could do.  And they were like oh he’s great, you will really like him. I remember leaving that day feeling lost. Super uncertain how things would go. I did not have a positive outlook on this at all. I was at a place where I needed someone I could be comfortable with and change is not my friend. I remember calling my best friend Gen and being like man..Idk about this. How can I talk about everything I was talking about before with some guy? The first time I was on my way in to see him I talked to Gen again, pretty freaking out and nervous. Let me go back for a second, I was nervous my first time seeing my previous therapist as well, but not like this. So after leaving my first appointment I called Gen back. I just remember saying I think this is really going to be helpful! I was seriously amazed. I left feeling refreshed, having someone with a different perspective on things, I felt comfortable, he prayed with me, and I was actually looking forward to going back. Now I honestly can’t tell you the last time we discussed my initial issue of what brought me in. As that has been something that I have learned to deal with, I can recognize when I’m about to have panics over that and I have my things I do to just keep peace with that. But after handling that other things that were causing me stress and anxiety would come up.  I feel like now I’ve been working on so many other things in my life.  I really do believe that going to counseling has helped me grow in so many different areas. Spiritual, mental, personal. Because of what was going on first, I was able to open up about more things...there were way more things going on in my life other than just that 1 weird thing! Just learning how to control my emotions in general is huge. How to respond to situations better. Reminding me to focus on breathing because that helps regulate the emotions. I cannot tell you how often I am told to do this. Seriously all the time. Because it's so easy to get caught up in whatever it is that is stressing me out or causing me to panic, that after I’m told that I realize yea, my breathing is ALL over the place. Maybe one day I won’t have to be reminded LOL but seriously that will probably be a while. But I’m trying.  I can say that I respond to certain things better now in most cases. If I don’t I can recognize later, like ok yep. I messed up there. I do have quite a few times where I get caught up, feel like I can’t deal and ask for help. Or need extra help talking through things. Maybe too often. But I think I’m getting there.  Sometimes just talking it through I can pick out if I’m being ridiculous or if something really is an issue. And he is always helpful. I have never once felt judgement. Just support. Sometimes the reassurance that I’m being given I really do need. And it is so helpful. Being reminded to have compassion for myself. Knowing that it is ok to make mistakes sometimes, and not beat myself up over it. Just having someone recognize the changes in my life, that I am growing. That is nice to hear. Because sometimes it's hard to see that myself. Hearing the words I’m proud of you, I don’t think I knew how much that could mean until hearing it more recently, especially being said about these types of things(growth). That reminds me that I really am growing as a person. I do credit a lot of my spiritual growth to counseling as well. I am reminded often to pray. When I’m struggling, pray. I know I mentioned that in my last one, but really it has been a huge part. I think that bettering myself mentally has also given me more motivation to do better physically as well. I think it all connects back to my mental state of mind. I needed to put in the work to get better there to get other areas of my life right. And Chad has been a huge part in that and helping me be the person that I really want to be, and know I can be. 

I’ve been asked how in the world can you just open up to someone like that? And let them know so much that's going on in your life. Honestly, now usually it's easy. I don’t even think about it for the most part. But it took time. And trust. You have to trust the person sitting across from you. You have to not feel judgement. If I wasn’t able to open up about so much so that he could know who I am then I wouldn’t have been able to grow like I have. It used to be very scary, and sometimes still can be. He knows so much more than I ever told my first therapist, and because of that I’ve been able to work on so much more! It really is a good feeling. And it's good to have that person that can tell when something is going on. I still remember there was one day I was definitely anxious. I don’t even remember what it was over anymore. But I knew I actually did not want to talk about whatever it was. I was going to just try to let it go. And not too long after I had been there he was like “your anxious, how come” and in my head I’m like dang it. I was trying so hard to not let that show! But of course that's a good thing, and I’m glad he’s able to call me out on that kinda stuff so that it can be talked about and it doesn’t build. I am so grateful that I have such an amazing therapist that I am able to talk about everything, and who is there for me and helping me along this journey to be a better person. I know that there is still a lot of work to be done. And that I will never be done growing. There are a lot of things I’m not great at and need to improve at. But I feel like a lot of people close to me have noticed or commented on my growth in one way or another. And that is encouraging too. 

For the longest time I was silent. I didn’t share what was going on with me. I for sure didn’t tell people I was going to counseling. And so often. I didn’t want that judgement from people. Up until this past summer most people had no idea that's what I was doing. I just had “appointments”. But I’m not ashamed of it. It has done so much for me! And I feel like it could be so helpful for so many people. I also feel like I’m able to respond to some of my friends better too when they are struggling. I’m able to share what I’ve learned in dealing with things with them. Sometimes when my friends will be telling me what's going on with them and how overwhelmed they are with their lives, or their anxieties or just feeling down, I joke that they need a Chad. Sometimes they will be like well, I don’t think I could do that. I never thought I could either. I didn’t understand it. But really, it's helpful :) And asking for help is OK! You don’t have to go through whatever it is you are going through by yourself. Some people feel like just because maybe you have a great support system you don’t need that extra help either. But that's not true either.  I have AMAZING significant other, friends and family who are there for me and support me. But they didn’t understand what I was dealing with, or why, or how to respond to me and help me. Not that they didn’t want to. They just didn’t get it. And that’s ok! That’s why I made the choice to do what I did. And get help for me. And it is doing wonders for me. I am in the best place mentally that I have been in a long time. And I look forward to continuing to grow, and learning how to deal with things better. 

For those of you who might feel awkward about thinking about asking for help, please don’t. And don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I might be a hot mess sometimes and struggling to deal with my own stuff, but I’m always able to listen to a friend who is in need or hurting. 

And remember, BREATHE : ) (note to myself as well ;) ) 

**I do want to add a few thank yous in...because there are people who have contributed greatly to allowing me to work on these things. Zach for being patient with me while I get myself together, and go through this stuff because I can’t always explain it and I know that's frustrating. His mom for helping with the kids, not only sometimes while I had the appointments so that I could actually go alone sometimes so I could be more focused, but for just helping with them in general when things are crazy because having someone else around can make things so much less crazy! My parents for loving me, supporting me and being understanding of my struggles. Stephanie for also helping with the kiddos, either watching them or doing the shuffle. As well as listen to me vent, even if I’m not making much sense. Gen for always being there for me and listening to all the craziness of my everyday life, and helping to calm me down. I am also super thankful for the bond I have formed and is growing with Christy, April and I and our growing friendship and that we are able to talk about certain things together, it truly is wonderful. Of course Chad for being so great at what he does and helping me get to this point, and honestly going above and beyond to help me. And last but not least, I thank God that I have ALL of these people, that I was led to this place and be able to work on getting my life better, and for continuing to work in my life. **

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #9: "we're here for the messy bitch game play right" - Annabelle

Tribal was f*ckin wild. Like didnt see that coming and Nicole we literally never talked so dont come for me. 👏

So far Nicole’s attempt hasnt affected anything. And plus Sharky took more of the heat and more blood on his hand and I did for coming up with the Nicole vote. Like im scream team to the end but like it works better for me if people dont see me as a huge threat right now unlike Sharky. I think i might be in a good spot and with an advatage with this immunity hopefully i can win.

Well... I refuse to be booboo the fool right now. I have conflicting information currently about who voted me so guess what? I am not gonna trust anyone LMAO. Everyone is denying and pointing the fingers at others and its fucking pissing me off. Like just own up to voting me so i can have a clear target my fucking god. Like goodbye see you soon!

from my confessional cause i just went off in it LOL about the last tribal: i know brian and sharky did not vote me nate and bryce are being fishy maynor seems non exsistant keaton is literally opening his big mouth and getting himself in more trouble i trust anna enough and nick thinks he is "iconic" for an idol play like boi con-fucking-gratulations that you can do something many have done before you

Like, im so done with these people, just let me play my idol in peace smh

So I basically threw this challenge. I just put myself for most of the positives and I put Keaton for most of the negatives. With a few random answers sprinkled in. I get so nervous about really trying on Touchy Subjects because Im worried about revealing my alliances and stuff. This way I just look cocky. And Keaton and I are already on bad terms so me putting him for the negatives might piss him off but probably not anyone else. Ugh

ok so me snapping and voting matt is really annoying KJFHDSAKJFDHS idk why i did that! i was crazy back then... so current thinking is that me/matt/keaton voted matt. and then nicole did keaton and everyone else did nicole. i dont think anyone suspects me but like they woudlnt tell me if they do FJKASDHFKJ apparently matt thinks that nathan did it and anna thinks that it was keaton and maynor and im just like :| FSAJDHFKD. also this comp is about to ruin me like my answers are def gonna make ppl hate me and plus i wrote myself for some good ones which i never do but idk im just really feeling myself so cant wait for the crushing weight of reality to knock me down a peg or two when i get like "next voted out" "doesnt deserve to be here" AFJKSDFHKAJ but maybe not... anyways i recently got obsessed with shakira again like.. im thriving

https://i.imgur.com/5o6sz3j.png when i tell u i screamed JKDFASHKJAD

Okay so Touchy Subjects ALWAYS blows up my game. Like I got all the ones that make people target you. Running the Game. Biggest Snake. Physical Threat. I even somehow managed to get "Trust the Most" and "Best Liar". HOW!? And now I'm super worried because if I wasn't on everybody's radar before I sure am now. And I have no idea who I can trust after those rogue Matt votes. I even feel slightly sketched out by Nick. He's acting...weird. And he keeps telling everyone there is a war between me and Keaton. Which I guess is sort of true because Keaton is throwing my name out there. And obviously I would rather him go. 

everyone is so extra JKDAHSKFJ matt making a post about how the ppl who are lying and saying they didnt vote him are personally effecting him are terrible like.. ok sorry for not exposing myself get over it u got 3 votes one of which were ur own and maybe if u were more active and didnt reply with one word responses no matter how hard i tried to get u to speak i wouldnt have thrown the vote on u. im just like so over his entitledness that ppl confess to him like who do u think u are KJFHADKJFDH. i feel like maybe im being too mean so if matt reads this after the game im sure ur just in ur feelings or w/e and u did say u had personal stuff going on but like thats not an excuse to go on tirades in the tribe chat when no one but u cares.

keaton is the worst person ive ever met (and i know zach :s) weird of him to choose white ppl saying the n word as his hill to die on but um i got the cannon ready to aim and hes going :airplane: to jury.

OK, so basically Annabelle wins immunity!  Good for her, but she's literally not doing enough for me to feel beyond happy for her kjHD... like she's nice and I like her, but at the end of the day, I really don't think she's doing much to propel herself and she's just getting kinda lucky... considering the first and now second immunity have been somewhat luck based... ya....

Keaton's the name being thrown into the mix already (it's only 9:11pm), and I really am fine with that this time around!  I like him, but I think he's just someone who can easily go now and it not be bad for me in the future.  He's already thrown out Sharky's name and basically called out Sharky to his face, so I'm kinda shaking in my booties.  As long as it ain't me, I'm happy enough to listen, but I just don't want any big surprises like the Matt votes, again.

Sharky has been thrown out as the biggest threat in this game right now, and while I think it's very apparent to everyone, I can't have him going anywhere right now.  No fucking way.  I love the shark man.  He's my favorite... he cannot go anywhere... I need him!!  So buh-fucking-bye, Keaton!  I may like you, but it's not enough to keep you.

Keaton is trash.

Let me elaborate on my previous confessional. So first Keaton tries to call me out for mentioning his name which I didn't do (I did admit to it to save the drama so thats partially on me) but he tries to call me out in public after the vote. Gross. Then after the challenge he starts gunning for me hard. He wants to claim I was doing the same but I wasn't gunning for him very hard. Because i didn't care if he went. He wasn't an ally but he wasn't a threat either. until he started trying to tear me down. Also let's be clear this all started because EVERYONE thinks he's rude and annoying. Then he tries to come for me in pms calling me out for spreading lies. Which again I NEVER DID. So I straightened him out on that. Then he tries to do the "If I don’t get you out now I never will and then we all lose." which is BULLSHIT. Don't get mad and angry with me just because I'm playing better than you. CHILDISH. Then in the tribe chat he says "As a player he can burn. As a person he's enjoyable." IS HE TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE HIM!? First of saying I can burn makes me want to really drag him. Also bro you and i don't talk you don't know shit about me as a person. You did that just to feed this "Feud" thats going on. STFU. Bye. Whichever one of us goes I'm glad I won't have to talk to his KIRBY LOOKING ASS anymore. I wish Marie had stayed.

Okay I can't lie I'm super nervous about this vote. I just don't trust anyone. I'm talking to Annabelle now and was like "I'm down to vote for anybody" because I'm not sure where she's at and I want her to know I am a vote for her.

Well. Good thing is that i wasnt dragged with with what Nicole said which is good with me. I didnt get any touchy subject which is also great. My two best allies Sharky and Keaton both did which means they’ll be targeted before I do. Which is awesome. Me and Nathan dont want to see Keaton go so we got Annabell and Bryce to be with us for a 5 person voting block thats going after Matt. Thats right, Matt is going home. Keaton plan was to try and distract Sharky and fight with him and have both of their names on the chopping block. This means that Matt wont see this blindside happening. And if Sharky has an idol, he’ll waste it cuz he won’t be getting any votes. Its gonna sbe wild af. Be ready.

Its been very quiet this morning. The plan has been set so im hoping that nothing else shatters the plan. The idol search doesnt like me as it likes Nick. Only thing i found was an advantage for next immunity which was an extra point butnit was touchy subject so i kinda threw it cuz said my name for the ones i felt where really bad. And i want to give a shout out for host Drew. You are an amazing and cool person.

OK, so Nathan has been going behind me and Sharky's back to target Matt... and I'm just shook to my fucking core.... bless Annabelle's big heart for telling Sharky because it gave us some room to snap hard.  I know Matt has an idol, and I cannot wait for him to pull it out at tribal.  I think that Nathan is thinking very short term and thinking him not telling me and Sharky is just some move he can make on his own, but as the Touchy Subjects' results showed us, Nathan thinks he's running the game but Sharky is actually doing it.  Getting this info... what a fucking legend...

Annabelle doesn't want to be screwed because of this whole situation so Sharky wants to avoid voting Nathan out but I lowkey don't care.  Nathan keeping me out of the conversation makes me lose all trust in him.  I know I'm not the target, but it doesn't change the fact that he's trying to run the game behind my back.  It's not going to work, sir.  It won't.

Ok... I'm angry, but I'm going to have to control that anger and turn it into making the best decision for my game and that will be to work with Matt and Sharky till the end.

Brace yourself this is going to be a LONG ONE. So last night I basically went to Anna and tried to save my ass because I really haven't been sure how genuine our alliance was because of our history together. She basically kept saying she was in a tough spot and this and that and so I outright asked her if she was considering voting for me. And she was like absolutely not. Which is such a relief. HOWEVER! She confesses that Nathan has created a secret plan to vote out Matt. He specifically told everyone not to tell me and Brian about it. EXCUSE ME? Aren't we in an alliance dude? So thats really pisses me off. But supposedly they have the majority for this plan. So that means I don't have to worry about myself as much. But I don't want Matt to go. Especially after this proved that he's one of the only ones I trust. So I'm thinking out of 9 votes we have 3 we can maybe use the steal a vote or something to try and get a majority. CUT TO THIS MORNING. I tell Brian about this secret plan and Brian tells me Matt has a freakin idol!!! So now we can use his idol and even if there are 5 votes left Matt/Brian/Myself control that vote then. Now the tough part...I need the vote to stay on Keaton because if it goes to anybody else Anna is going to think I screwed her over. And I promised her that her telling me wouldn't bite her in the ass. I also need this to stay TOP SECRET because if anyone finds out I leaked the plan they are going to come after me and I love Matt but I don't want to destroy my game to save him. So we need to have Matt use his idol and all 3 of us need to vote for Keaton.

God these people. I am VERY sure I am getting votes tonight and it's ok. Why? Cause I have an idol fuck these cunts. If not the WOOO love a minority!

i'm playing a super dangerous game right now but it's ok hopefully it works out we're here for the messy bitch game play right and i also just like play better in chaos so let's keep it that way once the game gets boring people will think of me.

Y'all I'm feeling real shitty about this week. I still feel super in danger. i feel like everyone is lying to my face. But I'm also worried for Matt. Luckily he has an idol so he'll be safe but the fact that he's catching votes at all is concerning. I hope it's Keaton going out but you just truly never know. This could be my time.

So it seems Matt might be an option for the vote but the questions I have are: Do I trust Matt enough to tell him he’s getting votes? Am I willing to make an early move? How will this will effect me moving forward? And when thinking between Keaton and Matt... I think I know my decision…

The shit hit the fan. Somehow Nick knows the hidden real plan that it was going to be Matt tonight. Keaton keeps lying to Bryce that he’s doing Sharky but Bryce is the number we have to have majority over Matt. Keaton is being sketchy kinda. Hopefully the plan goes according and Matt goes because last time he was doing a witch hunt for those 2 votes. Im going to be drinking at tribal tonight. Shit is too stressful.

Keaton is idoled out in a 6-3 vote.

[in-paradox-space]

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future. 

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me. 

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable. 

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself. 

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand. 

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me. 

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle. 

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me. 

I’m speaking in material world  terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t. 

but they still persist and it just goes on 

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around  that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner. 

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls.  i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance. 

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them. 

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though. 

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness) 

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy 

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot 

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

 i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most. 

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned. 

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine. 

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want  to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but  i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now. 

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel. 

then he’s gone. 

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though 

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it. 

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage. 

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday. 

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it. 

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him. 

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control 

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life 

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here. 

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him 

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation. 

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him 

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it? 

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night. 

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him 

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than  i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it. 

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just 

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl