#Im not normally an angry person but we all reach the top of our cups at some point. its just will you be able to drink it down or spill it?

[humbughana]

freedom.

y/n breaks up with her boyfriend, JJ Maybank. Rafe has to intervene. 

:)

warnings: none I think?

He meant well. He loved me. He was protecting me. 

I kept repeating these things to myself as I sat, looking at everyone having a good time. 

There was a party at the Boneyard tonight. Things we always looked forward to yet I had come to dread them. My boyfriend, JJ, became a different person these nights. Our usual trust and respect was out the window. 

“I’m going to get a drink.” I slapped my thighs and stood up facing everyone but, like clockwork, JJ stood up as well, “I got it.” with a tight smile. I frowned as he nudged me back down into my seat and I watched him disappear into the crowd. I looked around to my friends and no one seemed to be paying attention. 

I was going crazy, I decided. 

He didn’t trust me. Not that I had done anything to break it but he didn’t want the drama of someone looking at me for too long or causing problems with me. Didn’t want the fight, he said.

I looked around the beach seeing familiar faces, Sarah and Kie were dancing and laughing together. I sighed looking longingly at the carefree fun they were having. Pope and John B not even paying attention to them. Trust.

I must have caught Sarah’s eye because she ran up to me and grabbed my arms, “Come dance!” she giggled pulling me into her arms and out onto the makeshift dance floor. I smiled, I was with the girls, I would let loose. I deserved to have fun too. I let myself fall into the music and danced around with the two girls as we laughed before I felt an arm come around my waist, pulling me into him. 

Right as I turned around to shake the random guys hold on me JJ found me with a stranger's hands gripping my side and I froze.

“Get off her.” JJ got into the guy’s personal space and lightly shoved him off of me as I put myself in between the two ready to de-escalate the situation. 

“Relax JJ.” I pulled on his shirt when his eyes snapped back to mine and I stumbled back from the force. “I told you to stay there.” He ran his hand through his hair and I looked down as we caught the attention of a few other people. 

“I’m bored JJ! I can’t just sit in the corner everywhere we go! I can’t take it anymore.” I shrieked, beyond frustrated, “Sarah and Kie have so much fun and you expect me to sit alone!” He scoffed, making my eyes water at how little he disregarded my feelings towards this.

He stepped forward but I took one back, not ready to be put back into the cage just yet. “I don’t want to leave yet,” I mumbled, feeling embarrassed at the way he handled me. “Let’s go talk somewhere quiet.” He grabbed my hand and started pulling me away from the crowd. 

“No! I- I can’t do this anymore JJ!” I yanked my hand out of this grasp. 

“Fine. I didn’t want you here in the first place. You come here, looking like that, and expect me not to worry about you?” He laughed but it was anything but kind. 

“Like what, JJ?” I asked softly, looking down at my tube top and shorts.

“Like a slut, y/n” He answered without fault and I coughed out a laugh, tears leaking down my cheeks. 

“You don’t trust me,” I whispered and stepped back again as he looked cold. “I’m done, JJ” My boyfriend of 6 months scoffed again, “No you aren’t.” and reached for my arm. I jumped out of his grasp and raised my voice, “Yes I am! I don’t want anything to do with you anymore!” The mean look on his face only egged me on further, he didn’t care, he wasn’t protecting me, and he didn’t love me. 

I turned around to walk back to the main party, “So that’s it? You’re just leaving me so you can mess around with other guys, huh?” I shook my head, not looking back as I cried. 

My determination to have a good time only increased as I looked for a source of alcohol. JJ didn’t like it when I drank around strangers so that’s exactly what I would do tonight. I found the keg and walked towards it before running straight into someone. 

“Sorry,” I mumbled, wiping at my eyes and sidestepping the stranger blocking my path to freedom. 

“Woah, Woah,” He grabbed my arm and kept me in place, the freakishly tall handsome boy looking down at me was none other than Rafe Cameron. “In a hurry?” he asked, scanning my face and looking mildly entertained. 

“Yeah actually.” I looked pointedly towards the keg and he followed my line of sight, humming. “You don’t drink.” He said pointedly and I rolled my eyes. 

“I do now” I pulled my arm away ready to walk away from Rafe but he put his arm around my shoulder and led me back to his friends. 

“Well then let’s get you the good stuff.” 

It turns out the “good stuff” wasn’t good at all. Some awful concoction that Kelce threw together but it did the trick as I danced away all of my sadness and fear from earlier. 

“So where's Maybank, y/n?” Rafe asked as he watched me dance, smiling at me. I never had a problem with Rafe and his friends. I lived on Figure 8, making me a kook technically but I fit in with John B and his friends much better, that was until tonight.

“We broke up!” I yelled over the music and laughed twirling in a circle, feeling like I was floating. I caught the attention of Kelce and Topper and I finished my cup of mystery liquid. 

“I’ll be right back!” I told them and relished in the fact no one cared. No questioning no yelling. Rafe nodded and looked back at his friends, falling into another conversation. That easy. 

I stumbled around looking for Sarah to ask if I could stay the night at her house tonight. I couldn’t go home like this even though I lived close by, my parents would kill me. This was a usual thing for Sarah and me to stay together after a fun night. I spotted the girl and ran up to her, hugging her from behind as she giggled. 

“You’re drunk!” she laughed, turning around to look at me, “So are you!” I poked her cheek as we giggled like children. “Can I spend the night?” I asked, pouting.

“I’m staying at the Chateau tonight!” she frowned, “JJ didn’t tell you?”  Ah so they were all sleeping at John B’s tonight and no one knew I ended things with JJ. Perfect.

I waved her off, “No big deal!” I turned back to walk to the other side of the beach where I left Rafe when I felt an arm slide around my shoulders, “We need to get you home, y/n” it was JJ. I scowled and shoved him away, almost falling down from the alcohol. 

He rolled his eyes, “Come on, you’re trashed.” he grabbed my waist impatiently and I flailed, wanting nothing more than to get away from him. 

“Get off me!” I squealed as he started walking me off the beach and a familiar voice cut in.

“Forcing girls to go home with you now, Maybank?” Rafe sneered, his eyes caught on the hand wrapped around me. JJ shoved me, unintentional or not, and I fell into the sand with a yelp. I heard the noise of flesh hitting bone and gasps through the crowd. A fight had begun and Topped reached for me, pulling me up and away from the mess. He led us to Rafe’s truck and hauled me into the passenger's seat. He looked at my knees and brushed the sand off of them. I leaned my head onto his shoulder as he stood in front of me, both waiting for Rafe.

“You okay?” Topper asked, “I hate him.” I murmured, numb from tonight. I felt nothing for the boy I thought I loved an hour ago. Topper nodded and laughed, “That makes two of us.” 

After a little while, Kelce walked back with Rafe trailing behind him looking angry but he didn’t look hurt. He said something to Topper before shutting my door and walking around to his side., “You can stay with me.” I nodded and he started the car. The drive was silent but I could feel the tension in the air. 

When he pulled up to his house I opened my mouth but before I could say anything he was out of the car and was at my door, hauling the door open and helping me out. I let him lead the way in his familiar home and into his room. 

“Im sorry,-”

“Is this a normal thing?” 

We both blurted out at the same time and I blinked in confusion.

“Does he act like that with you all the time?” Rafe looked at me so seriously I felt as if I had done something wrong. I looked down to the ground and wrung my hands together feeling embarrassed.

I stuttered under his watchful eye, “It wasn't always like this.” I kept my head down and he kneeled in front of me forcing my head to up with a finger, meeting my eyes. My cheeks warmed, “I- he was just worried about me.” I cringed at my own words knowing how false they actually were. Rafe said nothing so I continued, “ I mean, sometimes he is right.” My eyes watered and I looked away.

And then the truth came out. “I hate him.” I said evenly, tears still running down my cheeks. “He called me a slut, I never want to see him again.” My lip wobbled and Rafe pulled me into a hug, running a hand through my hair as I cried. 

“Never again, y/n.”

[outrebanx]

don’t feel (2)

JJ Maybank x female reader

Masterlist

Part one // -- // Part three // Part four

Summary: A week after the last incident with your parents, you’re invited to a kegger with your friends, and unsurprisingly a fight breaks out (literally an awful chapter summary but my brain is mush so you’re gonna have to deal with it)

Word count: 2.8k

Warnings: mentions of abuse, actual abuse, fighting, swearing, (highkey haven’t read through so definitely mistakes)

——- I am in no way romanticising abuse if you have any issues with my writing pls message me

A/N: thank you all for the great response to the first part 🥺 🥰 im not 100% sure how many parts there will be because that involves being organised but anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter :)) (also i promise the next chapter will actually have more JJ in it) and I originally wasn’t gonna spend much time writing before the keg but I got carried away so sorry

“Y/N!” You heard from behind you, turning around you’re met with the smiling face of Topper Thornton running up to you.

“Hey T,” you smiled at him, “You good?”

“Yep, um I was wondering are you free tonight?” He asked, you narrowed your eyes at him.

“Depends on why you’re asking.”

“There’s a kegger at the boneyard tonight and we haven’t spent time together in ages, Kelce wants you to go as well.” He tries to widen his eyes in a pleading manner.

“We haven’t spent time together because you’re always with Rafe now, and you know how I feel about him Topper.”

You turn to walk away, but he catches your arm, “I know, but Rafe won’t be there tonight, it’ll just be like old times, please Y/N.”

You consider his offer for a moment, “He really won’t be there?”

“Nope I promise.”

“Fine. I always like a kegger and you better not break that promise T, or it’ll never be like old times again.”

“Yes ma’am.” He salutes you, you roll your eyes at him, trying to hide your smile.

“See you later then.” You give him a small wave and continue heading to your car.

You, Topper and Kelce grew up thick as thieves and they still held a special place in your heart, but ever since they started hanging out with Rafe you’d grown apart. At first you were always invited to hang with them when they were with Rafe, but it didn’t take long for him to start to creep you out - not only by how he looked at you, but also because when he got angry at something he reminded you of your parents, and you never wanted to hang around someone like that. In truth you did miss them, but your mental health was bad enough without another person like that in your life, so you made other friends, not that you liked them as much.

The drive back to your house was nice, the idea you were seeing your friends again made you feel more relaxed than you had in a while, that was until your house came into view, both your parents’ cars sitting on the drive.

It had been a week since the last incident, and life felt suspiciously normal, you knew it was too good to be true though, your parents always acted like they were sorry after hurting you or Grace, then they would still hurt you again. It was a cycle you hated, but not one you could escape easily.

Obviously you couldn’t ask them to go out tonight so once again you were going to risk sneaking out and hoping for the best.

You took a deep breath and got out of your car, heading towards the door, bracing for the possibility your parents might be in bad moods.

Opening the door, you were met with silence, maybe your mum was already passed out from drinking on the sofa or something, but you were sure as hell going to take advantage of it. You crept through the hallway towards the stairs, checking your dad wasn’t in the kitchen, a sense of relief coming through you when you saw he wasn’t, and made your way up to your room.

You fall onto your bed, sighing and looking at the marks on the ceiling. You must have been tired enough to fall asleep, as the next thing you knew there was a soft knock at your door, rousing you from the calm state you were in, “Y/N,” you heard Grace whisper as her head came around the door.

You lifted your head to smile at her, “Hi.”

When she didn’t answer you sat up properly, taking in her appearance, her eyes were red and puffy, her body slightly hunched over, and her lips quivered. Realisation as to what had happened dawned on you, your heart sinking, “Hey come here,” you opened your arms for her.

Without hesitating she moved into your embrace, your arms sliding around her slim frame, pulling her in even closer when you felt the tears on your shoulder.

You stayed like that, rubbing circles on her back with one of your hands until her tears began to subside, when this happened you pulled back slightly, trying to meet her eyes, “Where?” You asked.

She pointed to her ankles, where they were already swollen and bruising.

You stood up, going to the draw you kept supplies for situations like this and pulled out a cream for the swelling and some bandages to try and support the injury.

You began working on it, “What happened Grace?”

She breathed in, sniffling slightly, “I was getting a drink and Mum asked me to get her some wine,” you clenched your jaw, trying to keep your mouth shut until she finished, “and I went to but she had obviously drank a lot already, so even finishing the bottle there wasn’t much in the glass. And when I gave it to her she thought-“ she hiccuped as the tears began falling again, “she thought I was trying to control how much she drank and she pushed me to the floor, and um I think I twisted my ankle on my way down.”

You couldn’t help but seethe with anger, how dare they hurt her, every time it happened, especially when you weren’t in the house, you couldn’t help but hate your parents - they were awful people who you wished would die sometimes, however bad that thought was to have.

“I’m going to kill them.” You stood up quickly, ready to go downstairs and fight your mum, or dad, hell even both of them.

Grace grabbed your hand, “No you won’t.”

You looked at her, the pain in her eyes making you realise she needed you, “I’m sorry, I just hate them so much, especially when they hurt you when I’m not around.”

“Y/N, I know - this is how I feel when they hurt you.”

“Yeah but I’m the older sister, I’m meant to protect you.”

You sank down next to her on the bed, taking her hand, “I’m meant to protect you Grace.”

She leant into your shoulder, “I love you Y/N but you can’t always protect me.”

Closing your eyes you kiss her hair, “I can try, and I love you too.”

You lay on your bed together, using each other’s presence as a comfort until your phone go off, you grab it and see a message from Topper light up your screen:

T - I’m on my way to pick you up please be ready

“Shit I forgot about that”

Your sister sits up to look at you, “What?”

“I said I’d go to a kegger with Topper earlier, obviously I’m not now.”

“Um yes you are.”

“No I’m not, I’m going to stay with you.”

“No,” your sister gave you a hard look, “Our parents ruin so much of our lives at the moment, you’re going to go have fun, even if I have to push you out the window myself.”

You smile at how stubborn she is, “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely, now lets get you ready for Topper.” She says teasingly.

You roll your eyes at her comment, she knows full well you don’t see Topper as anything more than a friend, and she’s always loved to tease you about it.

You end up wearing a small black skirt and a crop top with some red lipstick, ready in time for the next text Topper sent you saying he was at the end of your drive.

“Okay,” you turn to face your sister, “are you sure you’re okay with me going?”

“Yes, now please go.”

“Fine,” you kiss her on her head, and give her a small wave as you climb out your window.

Once you’re in Topper’s car, Kelce jokingly wolf whistling at you, your only response to smile and stick your middle finger up at him.

“It’s been so long since you’ve drank with us I bet your tolerance is shit now Y/N.” Topper smiles from where he’s turned to look at you.

“In your dreams T, I know I could still drink you under the table.” You laugh, sticking out your tongue at him so he could see in the drivers mirror.

By the time you arrived at the boneyard, there were already lots of drunk teenagers stumbling around on the beach, clearly enjoying their night.

Topper clapped his hands together, “Right, let’s have some fun.”

The three of you made your way towards the keg, which tonight was manned by Kiara and JJ, you gave a quick smile to Kie when she handed you your drink, then you looked up at JJ. You had felt his eyes on you as you interacted with Kiara, but only looked at him then, you stared into his blue eyes for what seemed like ages, until Topper took your arm and guided you to where Kelce was sat by the fire.

“How did your exams go then guys?” You asked once you’d sat down.

“Really? We’re at a kegger and you’re asking about exams? You really need to get out more Y/N.” Kelce laughed, nudging your leg with his.

“Fine, what do you want to talk about?”

“Not that.” Topper smirks at you, tossing a coin into your cup.

“Fuck you.” You say before you down the bitter liquid, “Now I’ve got to get another one dipshit.”

As you stand you playfully shove him off the log he’s sat on, and head back towards the keg to get a drink.

This time Kie wasn’t there, only JJ, who you could tell was looking at you as you made your way towards him.

“Uh can I have a refill please?” You hand your red cup to him.

“Wow a kook with manners, that’s almost unheard of.” He smirks at you.

“Unlike the rest of the kooks, you haven’t done anything to make me hate you, yet - so I’ll be nice for now.” You give him a smile and go to reach for your cup, only for him to move it out of your reach, giving you a look you couldn’t decipher.

“What’s your name? I don’t see you around often.”

“Y/N Y/L/N, now can I have my drink?” You say, reaching towards it again.

Before he can say anything else, you hear Topper’s voice from behind you, “Y/N, is this dirty pogue bothering you?”

You can’t help but feel the dread in your stomach, whenever words like that are said there is almost always a fight, and you hate it.

You swivel to look at Topper, “No he’s not, I was just getting a drink,” you try to manoeuvre him away from JJ, not that it was easy, especially when JJ started speaking.

“You know, Topper,” he sneered his name, “she’s her own person you shouldn’t be such a controlling bastard towards her.”

You turned to glare at JJ, but he only grinned at you.

Topper let out something almost like a growl and tackled JJ to the floor.

“For fucks sake, Topper get off him!” You shouted, ready to try and get him off of JJ.

That was until, your head felt like it had been run over by a car, a splitting headache already forming, you looked down to where JJ was being repeatedly punched on the face by Topper, his nose bleeding, and his eyes already beginning to swell up.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. No way is he your soulmate - as far as you know you’ve got nothing in common? And everyone you know hates him, especially because of the fights he gets in. You can feel the stress and tears begin to build at the thought of a life with someone who seemed like he enjoyed fighting, you won’t survive that sort of relationship. Not with how your parents have treated you.

You tried recovering yourself, deep breaths in and out, blocking out the cheers for the fight around you, blocking out the pain in your face as JJ got punched again. And once you’d stopped shaking, you reached forward to try and get Topper off of JJ, for both your sakes apparently.

“Topper! Get the fuck off of him!” You shouted, but as you tried to wrap your arms around him to drag him off, he didn’t move, he was too invested in the fight, not even hearing you apparently - because of this he must have thought you were one of JJ’s friends trying to get him off, so without looking at you, Topper elbowed you in the gut, hard enough you staggered back in pain.

JJ seemed to register the pain you felt, his eyes wide as he looked at you, blood covering his face, but it gave him enough strength to push Topper off of him, and he made his way to you, worry somehow etched on his face even if he was much worse off than you.

Topper seemed to see where JJ was heading, and seeing you bent over, holding your stomach in pain made him realise that he’d hurt you, he pushed past JJ and knelt in front of you.

“Holy shit I’m so sorry Y/N.” His hands were on your cheeks, but you felt nothing, nothing except the tears that now escaped from your eyes.

You removed yourself from his touch, “Don’t fucking come near me Topper.”

You stood up, turning in the sand and began heading off the beach, only to feel Topper grip your arm, “Y/N I’m sorry, please don’t be mad.”

“I said not to touch me!” You shouted, ripping your arm away from him, when you noticed the stares you were getting from other people on the beach you lowered your voice, “It didn’t matter that Rafe didn’t come tonight in the end, because you’re just as bad as him now and I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”

He stared at you wordlessly, shock and hurt written on his face - not that you cared right now, he had hurt you, maybe by accident yes, but he knew about your home life and because he lost control, you wanted to hate him and never see him again.

He let you walk off that time, passing Kelce who looked like he wanted to talk to you but instead went over to Topper.

When you got to the road you realised you’d now have to walk home, so you quickly shook the sand out of your shoes then headed down the road in the direction of your house.

It was only a minute until you got interrupted again, “Hey Y/N,” JJ shouted from where he was running to catch up with you.

God you didn’t want to deal with this tonight but he’d probably just follow you home if you didn’t talk to him.

So you turned to face him, “What?”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you?” You raised your eyebrows at him, he’d been the one to get beaten up properly after all.

“I’ve had worse.” He shrugged, then rubbed the back of his neck, looking at you shyly “but um I felt your pain which means you must’ve felt mine and you know what that means.”

“Right now it means nothing JJ, I can’t deal with this tonight so please, leave me alone.”

He could obviously see how rough you felt, you were pretty sure you were still crying, and you were tired, so tired, and falling out with topper was one thing, but also realising your fucking soulmate was JJ Maybank was just something you couldn’t handle tonight.

He raised his hands, “Okay we’ll talk about this at some point, and I am so sorry Y/N, truly.” His eyes were shining slightly, but you could tell he was being genuine.

You nodded and turned around again to head home, leaving him at the side of the road.

You weren’t sure how long the walk home took, it seemed to pass in minutes with the number of thoughts that were racing through your head, it was as if you were on autopilot, climbing the trellis with ease, not even thinking where you were putting your hands and feet.

You were so out of it, you didn’t even realise your bedroom light was on, when you hadn’t turned it on before you left, so when you climbed into your room the last thing you expected to see was your mum and dad sitting on your bed with their arms crossed, expressions of pure anger on their faces.

(feel like this isnt my best but I am enjoying writing it also there might be fluff at some point but certainly not the next chapter whoops)

Part three

Tag list: @outerbongs​ @jjaybank @bailspogue @outerbankslut @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @alexa-playafricabytoto @teamnick @k-k0129 @do-not-talk-to-me-i-am-awkward @thoughtsofthestars @http-cherries @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @thesurfingsnail @lonely-kermit @oopsiedoopsie23 @overly-b​ @lus-shh @xlittlemissydjx @asaks6082 @copper-boom @danicarosaline @deathcompass @jellyfishbeansontoast @butterfliesinthenightsky @iamaunicorn4704 @my-soul-is-the-moon @diverrdown @thorsangel @saintkore @prejudic3 (please tell me if I’ve missed someone cos I’m dumb and it’s late)

[jj-ktae]

Erotica - Part 5 - (M)

Pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader Genre: SMUT Summary: You’re a rookie porn actress on the rise and everything goes well until you get offered a role in a big-budget porn movie, starring the most famous actor in the porn industry. Words: 3772 Warning: Read at your own risk

A.N: It’s the last part! I don’t know if I should write an Epilogue or no so please let me know and i’ll take your opinions into consideration! 

- Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Epilogue -

--

Part 5 

You’re not the least moved when you enter the studio for the last time. The staff brought snacks and drinks, something they call a ritual every time they’re done filming a movie.

“Our main is here!” The director has a glass of champagne close to his lips yet doesn’t let you slip through the crowd. You bow shyly, feet going back to hide in the dressing room until everyone’s ready to film the last scene.

You’ve never been so eager to leave. A lot of things are messy here and from the moment you signed your contract for this movie, you didn’t stop freaking out.

But now, as Im Jaebum enters the studio and greets everyone coolly, you feel like disappearing into the ground.

You sigh, relieved when the director directs his attention to a smiley Jaebum. You faintly hear what sounds like greetings in the middle of the busy room before stepping backwards, hands on the wall to help you fly away from the situation.

Thank god the dressing room is empty. It’s calm and clean, the detergent filling your nostrils as you sit on the couch.

I wasn’t acting

You shiver at the thought, trying to blink black the memory of a cocky Jaebum, all smiles as he articulates the words.

What’s happening? Why is he acting this way? Is he playing with you? He does seem to have a rather dominant side but something is off. His friend was rather exasperated when he talked about Im Jaebum’s mediocre love and sexual life. Maybe he is actually a pervert? What if he takes advantage of the situation to really enjoy the sex?

You snort. Who are you kidding. He doesn’t look like a damn pervert and even if he was one, he gave you some of the best sex you ever had. If anything, you’re the one who’s enjoying this.

“You’re not joining the party?” You snap out of your inner conflict, eyes meeting a puzzled Jaebum, hair wet and yawning.

“Hi to you too.” You sigh, leaning against the couch. You don’t even know if you should be friendly or not.

Jaebum tilts his head, lips smacking as he stops to smile. “I did greet you, before you ran away to hide here.” He takes a seat on one of the chair and leans over his knees, an arm supporting his way too heavy head. “Are you okay?”

You bite your lip, hesitant in front of a determined Jaebum who is waiting for your answer. How can he not know what is wrong? Of course you’re not okay!

Why are you even disturbed by that, anyways?

You hate it when you betray yourself which is why you refuse to admit how pleasant it is to be physically intimate with him. You had it all well-defined in your brain: Im Jaebum was a douche who was friendly enough to make this filming bearable and nothing good could happen from being around him except big money for a job you hate.

But now, now he looks normal, like a guy you’d meet in any other occasion, a guy who is simple and does a job he doesn’t particularly seem to enjoy, yet stays professional.

Everything you built went crumbling around you yesterday night, right when you noticed how high your heart-rate went when he told you he was being honest and not just acting.

It means he did all this out of pure will and not duty.

Jaebum observes your face, sighing when you don’t answer. “I’ll see you later.” He gets up and sounds irritated but you’re too caught up in your own battle to notice the way he walks away.

Jaebum knew he should have kept quiet. He is so bad when it comes to being cool and throw killer dialogue. He had tried so hard to maintain a cocky and arrogant image, only to give everything up in a moment of weakness. He spoke the truth though, Jaebum is no coward when it comes to admitting whatever he did or not. As much as he was annoyed by how this rookie actress turned him into some fool, he had to say it.

He enjoys being around you.

If he didn’t know himself so well, he would have blamed it on the amazing sex. He doesn’t get to have this type of chemistry whenever he films and it’s exactly the reason why he is a porn actor who only does hard-core. Hard-core porn is nothing like the reality of what he enjoys and it’s better that way, because it draws a limit between his professional and personal life, the sex too different for him to enjoy it truthfully. He liked the fact that he could pound into whoever he was filming with and cum on demand, because it doesn’t reflect his own self and doesn’t make him feel uneasy.

But with you, it all feels too real to be ignored. It was a mistake to accept filming this bloody movie, yet Jaebum isn’t even mad at the situation. He is mad at himself for being so clueless when it comes to real relationships.

Jaebum is not the thoughtful type of guy, his days are more focused on laying around his house or meet with his friends. He doesn’t have a very active personal life and he is fine with it. Sex is something he does for a living so it became difficult to fully enjoy a session of sex outside the studio.

He hates how destroyed his libido is.

Then you appeared with your doe eyes and angry baby face. You talked about how disgusting he was and how you’re doing this because you must and it pays well.

But most importantly, you awoken something dull, something Jaebum had drawn a cross over.

Jaebum faintly greets more staff, slightly worried about the last scene.

--

“So, it’s the grande final!” You nod at the director’s last speech. “We had numerous meetings about this so I won’t repeat myself but we need to feel the extreme tension, the bursting feeling and amazing chemistry between you two. The editing team is already working on the movie and said you did a great job.” He claps his hands and everyone follows.

You force a smile. Extreme tension, he said.

Jaebum walks toward the bed as soon as the director goes back to his spot behind the screen. His bathrobe falls on the floor as he silently sits on the bed and you exhale, air shakily going out of your mouth as you follow him.

You remove your own bathrobe and jump on the bed, doing your best not to be bothered by how exposed you suddenly feel. Jaebum is waiting, leg shaking impatiently and when you approach him, you don’t know where to look. Both are dangerous, from his face to his body. You keep your gaze low, even when your thighs touch his.

Why do you even have to do face to face sex? You grunt inwardly, manoeuvring your body so it can sit right in front of him, legs entwined to stick your chest as close as possible.

You both wait for the director to signal the beginning of the scene.

“Action!”

It starts slowly. Jaebum’s hand are soft against your shoulders, gauging the level of intensity before they go lower. The air momentarily blocks in your lungs, making you close your eyes in frustration because why does this affect you so much?

Jaebum doesn’t let his hesitation get the best of him and suppresses a shudder when he feels the tender skin of your thighs against his fingers. He must take it slow and it’s the first time he feels frustrated.

He could show you so much more.

You shiver, arms wrapping around his neck to slide even closer. He welcomes you silently, slightly hesitant yet firm as he dips into your neck. You adjust your legs so they rest on top of his, allowing you to face him without tiring your muscles. Jaebum handles you with care, hands in a warm hug while he pecks your shoulder. The cameraman focuses on your position before filming your face and you know it’s the moment to act like you enjoy the warm lips and burning puffs of air against your skin.

But you don’t even need to act, eyes fluttering shut and head jerking back to expose more of your neck. Jaebum takes the hint, tongue sliding until it reaches your throat, where he sucks softly. The sounds are delightful, just like his semi-erratic breath.

Jaebum travels up, lips against your jaw before he waits for you to focus on him so he can kiss you. You almost refuse, not liking the idea of staring into his eyes but you sigh inwardly before tilting your head back.

He is already staring at you when you open your eyes. You blink a couple of times, your palms still against his gigantic shoulders – you never truly noticed how broad they were until now. He does the same but his arms tighten around you, silently.

And you’re lost.

Jaebum has seductive eyes. Not the usual I’m going to bang you until you collapse eyes, but the type that can make you feel things without trying. His parted lips are shiny, enhancing their dangerousness and sending luscious vibes. He seems relaxed though, almost oblivious to what he expresses because he stares like he is expecting you to do something out of the ordinary. His hair is still neat, inviting and cupping his oval face with a flattery you never expected to notice now.

Why are you even analysing his features, why are you even liking what you see?

You both hear the director coughing which probably means you’re taking too long staring but Jaebum isn’t moving, not even showing any sign of wanting to keep on. You hope it isn’t one of his scheme to make you feel ridiculous and mock you once you’re done. But he merely presses a hand against your cheek to keep you focused on his face and you understand now. It makes perfect sense.

He isn’t acting.

He wants to see if he can keep on being honest or if he should stop and go back to his full professional and arrogant self. Surprisingly, it doesn’t take much for you to decide on your next move and while you thought you’d hesitate, you don’t.

It’s not a surprise to feel Jaebum flinch when you plunge, lips crushing against his in a passionate kiss that seems to relieve the whole staff. Your hands find his hair, granting your inner wish to destroy his perfect image as a sign of your willingness. He wasn’t expecting anything but when he feels you, strong and very naked against him, he understands.

He can show you exactly what he wants to.

What started slowly accelerates from here. The silent agreement and promise of genuine sex turns the room messier than it ever was, your lips crashing and hands grabbing. Jaebum become adventurous and even starts playing with your shivering thighs are he runs his fingers over the smooth skin. He stills right before he reaches your core, lips turning into a smirk when he hears you grunt against his mouth.

You stop kissing him when he keeps on teasing, trying to focus on his body to make him as impatient as you are. It’s crazy how everything disappears, from the annoying cameraman to the bright lights and the noises coming from around you. Now is only about Im Jaebum, warm and needy as you’re playing with the tip of his cock.

He jerks, his previous attempts at staying stoic long gone and head against your shoulder, praying not to make any embarrassing noises.

Jaebum is seriously going crazy. He has no idea why everything intensified, but he is sure you’re doing this because you want to. You seem fierce, needy yet teasing and slightly excited, if not totally horny. He wants to moan, to fully be himself because how can he act when this is all too real?

A particularly strong pull on his dick makes him look at you accusingly. Are you for real now?

He is bewildered, flustered as you’re stroking him, eyes focused on your task and you look mesmerising as you lick your lips at the sight of his painfully throbbing length.

So he goes back to your neck, taking advantage of the hidden spot to make sure he isn’t assuming things.

“Are you acting now?”

Somehow he has to know. Part of him is sure you aren’t and is merely trying to gauge your reaction yet he sucks when it comes to these things. Your hands don’t stop. This guy is seriously stupid.

You roll your eyes inwardly when he tries to kiss you again, grabbing the opportunity to lean against his ear.

“We’ll talk later.”

Jaebum snorts, completely done with you yet not ashamed to lean even closer. His hands wander on your legs, tentative. He decides he doesn’t want to drag this on and teasing is useless when he can simply touch you like you obviously want him to.

His fingers make you jolt on the bed, surprised by his sudden assurance and bluntness. Jaebum chuckles from his now favourite spot on your collarbone, teeth out to grave the skin and make you shudder. He acts like he is the one taking charge, but deep down he is dying from the firm grip around his shaft, creating pearls of pre-cum and destroying his brain cells.

He feels warm against your folds, tracing invisible patterns and careful not to be too harsh with your skin. It takes a couple of movements for him to spread your wetness around your core, coating and exposing you to the cold air.

Jaebum feels even more aroused now. How can he not when you’re damn wet and spread in front of him, moaning because you enjoy his ministrations and not because of a damn tacky scenario?

A wave of passion brings his hand to your chin and tilts your head until you can feel his lips against yours. He doesn’t rush it or make it too hurried, though. Jaebum is painfully stiff but the longing is real and burning, which you feel from the way his hands bring you closer with each stroke of his tongue.

You want him to go faster, though.

And Jaebum doesn’t know what’s happening for you to grab him and impale yourself on his now satisfied penis. He lets you stick your pelvis against his, legs circling his waist despite the sitting position. He never thought sitting face to face could be so hot.

So he releases your lips, his face astonished yet breathless and lips a tad reddish. Your eyes are closed and under any other circumstances, Jaebum would have been fine with it.

But he isn’t.

He wants to see you. He wants you to look at him and tell him how good he is giving it to you. You’re here, panting and sweaty, hips shaking to wrap yourself deliciously around his painful erection and he is losing it.

Jaebum thinks he is literally crazy.

He has no idea why he pulls on your arms to wrap them against his neck again. His own hands fall on your bare butt, pushing on it to thrust deeper and finally, your eyes snap open, gasping at the sudden feeling.

You lose track of the time the moment you notice Jaebum’s eyes, studying yours.
 He can only breathe, air erratically running in and out of his mouth while he observes your nervous glance, half pleasured half nervous.

Why does he look so damn attractive and serious?

You offer a couple of sweet pecks between moans and shivers which are gladly welcomed by your co-actor. When your orgasm hits, you have no choice but to reach for his lips again and suck on the flesh to muffle your embarrassing and way too realistic moans.

Jaebum lets you ride all the waves, your breasts rubbing against his and even your nipples feel amazing against his chest.

He gasps for air when you contract around him, head thrown back and breaking the kiss to focus on himself. His orgasm his building awfully strongly. It’s brisk yet slow, painful yet delicious.

He almost pushes on your hips too hard when he cums, eyes tightly shut and blinded by pleasure. He lets a tiny whine escape from his mouth, not the least annoyed by the action. He feels your mouth against the exposed skin of his neck, your sweet lips kissing every weak spot – and at some point, his whole body is a giant weak spot.

Jaebum falls back on bed when he is done, his penis sliding out of you easily and making a mess on the sheets. He doesn’t give a damn.

You crawl above him, still somehow needy and as much as Jaebum wants to cuddle, he lets you rest atop of him, completely spent

“CUT!” The staff claps and everyone is happy to be done. Jaebum barely raises a hand to give them a thumb up, smiling tiredly.

“It’s a wrap! You did amazing!” They all become loud, too busy to let you both enjoy the rush of endorphins.

“Let’s celebrate!” Your manager arrives when you get up from an exhausted Jaebum, not even reading the mood and clapping his hands. He gives you a robe. “Food’s on me.”

You nod, shrugging.  That guy is act like a little shit again so you might as well move on with your life. He is unmoving, not even looking at you and it makes you boil with frustration.

Im Jaebum is a total bastard, a fucking sex-addict-

“Food’s on me.” Both your manager and you stop to look at a yawning Jaebum, still naked and reaching for his bathrobe. “And by food’s on me I mean, we’re both,” his hand moves from you to him, lazily. “going out eat. Thank you for your offer.”

You tilt your head before you can argue but Jaebum is already pulling you by the sleeve, dragging you behind him and leaving the manager shocked.

He smirks at you when you turn around to apologize silently and you know you’re doomed.

“When did I agree to go eat with you?” You cross your arms over your chest, ignoring the fact that Jaebum is already naked and showering.

He can’t be real.

“You don’t want to go?” he asks like your answer is obvious and you want to smack his head for being so arrogant again.

“What if I don’t?” You tease, eyebrow raised. “It’s not like I owe you any-“

Jaebum sighs, shutting your mouth. He starts rubbing his body and it’s hard for you to focus on his eyes. “Would you like to go eat with me?” he tries his sweetest voice, slightly annoyed at how you’re making him do weird shit already.

You pinch your lips together, holding a smile. All negative thought disappeared and you don’t care. “Yes.” You utter.

Jaebum wants to ask why you acted like you were annoyed if you agreed so easily, but decides to drop the matter and barely snorts. “Great, now go take a shower.”

--

That guy is not the same one you’ve been filming with. Im Jaebum is apparently a quiet guy who enjoys peace, and picked a tiny place where you’re the only customers, along with an old couple.

It’s not like you expected him to be noisy. He was awfully quiet the other night with his friend and Jackson, but you thought it was only because Jackson tends to gather the attention with his idiotic behaviour.

In reality, Jaebum is a chill person. He has his usual giant clothes and munches on the food like he is starving. It’s comfortable but now is not the time to stuff your face.

You need to know a couple of things. “Why did you say you weren’t acting?”

Jaebum wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and almost choke. He looks up, puzzled. “Because I wasn’t.” he stops eating, head tilted and finally giving you his full attention. “You never answered my question.”

He isn’t disturbed. Jaebum sounds and is relaxed, head now resting on his elbow like you were not all over each other an hour ago.

“I don’t get it,” You start. It’s irritating in a way. You want to answer but you don’t even know if he means it the same way you do. “What do you mean by that?”

Jaebum hawks, confused. Are you stupid or are you trying to make him say things he is not really ready to say? “What do I mean?”

“Yeah. I don’t know if you’re saying this to make fun of me or if you really enjoy…” you fidget on your seat, slightly flustered.

Jaebum sighs yet again. “Why would I even make fun of you? And why would I be here if I was?” He looks frustrated, annoyed even.

It makes your anger rise “I don’t know!” you forget about the place, the food, the movie. You don’t even know why you agreed to come. From the start, this guy has been nothing but a jerk. There’s no way he would suddenly be nice or even harbour any type of positive feelings toward you. “I feel like you hate me but when we film you’re different and maybe it’s me who is stupid and too serious but,”

You feel so stupid.

“maybe you enjoyed it. Maybe that’s what you meant when you said you weren’t acting, because I wasn’t either.”

Jaebum opens his mouth, shocked. Of course that’s what he meant. He isn’t that deep, he won’t go as far as make fun of someone, as bad as his relation used to be with that person.

So he decides to explain clearly before you become stubborn again. “How can you even think I wasn’t enjoying when I was pretty much very hard earlier today?”

He has a weird way to put things and you’re glad the place isn’t crowded, but you enjoy where this is going.

“I’m just going to say it bluntly because I feel like this will go on forever.” He looks strung out, like you exhausted him. “I like being around you. Can you please finish your food? Just so we can get out of here and I show you how I don’t act, rookie.”

You shiver at the thought, not sure about what he wants to show but very eager to know more.

Instead, you smirk. “I’m done already.”

--

[alkhale]

hi! idk if youre still doing requests (please ignore this if you're not!) but would you be willing to write something about hawks trying to win over/court an omega who is really prickly/rough around the edges/hates being an omega? thank you very much! im sorry if you arent open for requests!

OFC YOU CAN HAVE AN ALPHA! HAWKS HERE YA GO

Another ko-fi request! This was a blast to write so ty for the prompt

No Need (Alpha!Hawks x Omega!Reader)

“What the heck is that?”

In hindsight, for a man who prided himself on always trying to look at things from a bird’s eye view, he probably should’ve foreseen what would happen after.

But Hawks was twenty-two and tired, so cut him some slack.

To his credit, you don’t look annoyed or offended. There’s a slight twitch to your brow, a faint downwards curve of your lip. You don’t look up from where you’ve been doing your paperwork, filing away his latest mission reports. “Papers.”

Hawks thumbed the cup of coffee in his left hand. He shifted on his feet and then thumbed the other cup in his right hand. He’d gotten two, one for you and one for him as your usual routine called for. You were always sliding time out for him to bring him something and it was only right he do the same for you–strictly as a kind boss and a good worker (which is what he would say to you until you gave him the signal that he could say otherwise). He’d even gotten the cream right this time, just the way you liked that always made you smile that kinda small, goofy and cute smile that made some more primal part of him pleased that he was doing something right.

He’d said once as an offhanded joke to test the waters that it was an alpha’s job after all to take care of his “pack.” You, despite being a beta, had refused the coffee if that was the case and told him he should’ve gone with flock instead.

Second genders are strictly secondary. He swallowed, a breezy grin curling over his lips as he arched one of his brows and tipped his head to the side. His wings shifted against his back, ruffling uncertainly because, well, yeah that had been the idea but now…

It didn’t look comfortable, for sure. Sleek, black, and sturdy. It curved around your neck and protected all the sensitive spots any typical omega would need to look out for when it came to unwanted advances. Forced marking could be considered a crime under certain circumstance, and the popularity in such protective collars had skyrocketed with recent realization that sometimes matters had to be taken into your own hands.

The collar clipped neatly around your neck, complete with a small silver flower to make the whole thing seem a little cuter than it actually was. Hawks’ brain was currently trying to reroute itself and arrive back on track because the biggest problem here was–

“You’re an omega?” Hawks swallowed.

The coffees in his hands suddenly felt like dead weight. There was a urging in the back of his mind to take this information with him and fly as fucking far with it as he could because–yes, yes, yes. He wanted you–beta, omega, hell, he’d find some way to work with it if you were an alpha too just…you. This sudden realization suddenly had his instincts shifting to attention and as annoying as the damn things were half the time, in his opinion, he felt strangely in line with them today as he stared, watching your face avidly and eyes dipping down to your wrists and then back to your protected neck.

He wanted to hold you, touch you, contact, contact, contact.

Right there. His mind urged. Right there. Right there. Make it happen. You can do this.

Your face went tense for a moment. Brows creased and you stopped writing at his question. Hawks’ mind quickly backpedaled and he racked his entire brain for a semblance of charm and persuasion to have you seeing him as much more than just a boss (maybe in the bedroom) and as someone who could potentially be your mate.

He justed wanted to make you happy.

“Well, it’s just that,” Hawks continued easily, setting the coffee down gently on your desk so he could free one hand. “I always thought you might’ve been a beta.”

Your face slackened a bit at that. So you don’t like being an omega. Your pen tapped against the paper, looking thoughtful and Hawks added, “Or an alpha to be honest.”

Your eyes flickered up to him, wide and searching and curious. God, I love those eyes. His wings shifted against his back, itching to curl around you on instinct to make this a private conversation between two. “You’re always taking such good care of me, you know? Getting things done, always on top of stuff… There’s no way I’d make it this far without you.”

“You’re too much,” you huffed. But there was a pleased little smile tugging at your lips and you hummed, pulling his coffee closer to you. Hawks felt his chest swell in pride and he leaned further on your desk, brushing the edge of his wing teasingly against the wood. “It’s just my job, you dork.”

“C’mon, I notice a lot more than you think I do,” Hawks protested. He casually dragged a finger against the smooth surface of your desk, drumming his fingers. “A lot, actually.”

You hummed in response, tipping the hot liquid towards your lips. Hawks reached upwards, fingers reaching past your cheek and you went rigid for a moment. He saw your nose twitch, your eyes flicker and he consciously urged his sent, his aura towards to just teasingly so. You were a special case, one that required a tactful approach and he’d do no less with you. His sent flooded your senses and he watched you throat bob as you swallowed thickly, bringing the coffee closer to your nose and his fingers tapped the hard metal of the collar.

Hawks frowned at the sound, tilting his head. “So what brought this on?”

If you felt the least bit threatened–he would step in. There was no way he’d allow you to feel such doubts and fear when he could do anything about. He was the number two hero for God’s sake–he could do this much for you at least.

You looked prettier without it anyways.

An image of his lips on you skin flashed through his mind and Hawks smiled, just short of starving.

You frowned, reaching up and brushing his hand aside as you touched your own collar. An angry scowl marred your lips and you scoffed. “Some asshole got a little too aggressive at the train station. Think just because my heat’s coming I’m an easy fix? What a load of crap.”

Hawks took two important bits of information from that sentence. Filing one away for his own personal use, he latched onto the other, “You filed a report, didn’t you?”

His wings fluffed out, making him look twice his size. “Accurate descriptions. I’ll find him myself and make sure he doesn’t do a single thing again. I can’t have my cute secretary being bothered on her way home from work.”

“Thanks, hero,” you grinned, shaking your head. “They took him in for questioning. It’s fine, I can take care of myself.” You flashed him a sharper look and he held up his hands placatingly, setting them back down closer to yours. “Just… felt like I should put this on for good measure is all.”

You sneered at the desk, “Since it’s so hard for people to resist an omega in heat. Jerks don’t even think that it’s their fault, always ours.”

Hawks made a mental note to look into the case anyway and see to it personally. His wings drooped a bit, an easy task to make himself appear at ease and inviting. He pushed out with a soothing scent, urging you to relax yourself and he hummed lowly in his throat when he saw your shoulders slacken a bit and your eyes fluttered shut as you inhaled.

“People only see omegas when they want to see them,” you murmured, eyes fluttering open and he watched as you subconsciously reached out with a finger and he curved one wing around for you. Your index finger dragged against one of his contour feathers and Hawks’ low noise of approval increased, bordering a purr. You sighed, his scent curling thickly around the two of you like a protective blanket.

And to the employees skidding to a halt outside your door, a warning.

“That’s all we are,” you scowled. “Nothing more.”

A thoughtful look flickered over your features and you set your coffee down. “You know, you smell oddly good today. Kinda like–”

“I see you.”

You stopped. Your eyes blinked, wide and confused and traveled up to meet his gaze. Hawks reached up, bringing his visor down to hang around his neck. Those sharp eyes pinned you into place and you felt a chill you hadn’t felt in a long time run down your spine. Your throat closed up, senses flaring and you suddenly felt nothing more than a field mouse parting ferns beneath the watchful eyes of something far above you.

Predator.

Though his eyes were sharp, they burned. You felt a flare of warmth along your cheeks and Hawks smiled. A boyish, easy smile that curved against his roguish features. “I see ya.”

Walls rose up and you reminded yourself of the tightness of your collar. “Yeah, yeah, I get it–”

“So let me walk you home from now on,” Hawks said smoothly. Your lost your voice, words tumbling over your lips as you stared and he smiled. “Okay?”

“I can take care–”

“Not to take care of you,” Hawks shook his head, hand settling atop yours when did that get there and his fingers brushed against your wrist, “to keep me company. I’ve been missing you.”

“But–”

“And from now on,” his other hand had already set down the second coffee. You were still, lost in those swirling, engulfing eyes as his fingers curved around your collar. They brushed below your chin, tilting your head just a bit to the side and Hawks’ lips curved into a sharper grin.

Hungry.

You felt the collar loosen and a soft click resounded through your office. The weight of your collar slipped from your neck and onto the floor with a quiet thud. Hawks dragged a finger along the thin column of your neck and his scent washed over you, comforting, sweet, powerful and your normally witty and quipped remarks died on your tongue as his wings fanned out and curved over both of you.

Hawks leaned forward and the sun turned his eyes molten.

“You won’t need that anymore.”

- i was gonna make reader a little more catty but c’mon, he brought you coffee

[convervative-blog]

so, ptsd is the only dsm v recognized disorder which is classified as a psychiatric injury and not a congenital, inherited expression (ok blah ignoring that of course many things like bpd are now becoming known as typical complex trauma/abuse responses but thats not what this post is about, marsha linehan was robbed i will fight everybody...anyway...)  alot of ppl really seem to misunderstand what ptsd is. it is an injury to our brains, it is a psychiatric injury which clearly and visibly affects our limbic system, our amygdala, our hippocampus. it literally lights up how we process memories events circumstances. it activates our pons, the area in our brainstem responsible for controlling stress, our “lizard brain”, the part of our brain that instinctively knows when shit is wrong and reacts and slams the 10/10 button before u have time to think. the adrenal system, the part that floods ur body with cortisol, adrenaline, endorphins, epinephrine, your muscles tighten, your pupils dilate, you know you can put your fist through something if you have to, you know you can make a run for that closet and hide in it if you have to, you know you gotta do something because shit is going down motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!  ok so like some ppl with ptsd can be violent. we see this in media portrayals of ptsd all the time, the guy had a gun he was in iraq he went crazy. like thats the normal narrative, and ok within our community we really dont want to discuss how this is real and could be real for people. ok of fucking course that narrative is bullshit because most people with mental illness are more likely to be victims of violent crime not perpetrators and we need more positive inclusive healing narratives of ptsd because we want to see representations of ourselves! but this isnt about that because weve seen those posts, weve done the discourse, were doing the discourse, so im gonna talk about something else. something thats gonna piss everybody off so buckle up cowboys yeet haw.  some ppl with ptsd become abusers, thats a fact. because some people cant deal with stress at all, they become hyperreactive and that reaction is fists, yelling, screaming, throwing things, becoming incoherent and nonsensical, etc etc. when your heart reaches 180 bpm (and it does with virtually any indistinguishable environmental or emotional trigger, it absolutely gets that high when your lizard brain takes over), you stop being able to think logically.  part of having ptsd for me was learning that this is me, i dont hit but when little things happen my brain completely sheds the part of my personality that is logical reasonable and calm. my decision-making part, my risk/reward analyzing part, my organizing part. frontal lobe? lol seeya. i immediately become enraged and if i do nothing else ill usually yell/scream at TOP VOLUME and then after about 30 seconds, 60 seconds, when it cools off ill feel bad about it. sometimes when im having a bad day and multiple little things have gone on, ill get progressively worse and storm around swearing and slamming things, simmering, trying trying trying to get it under control, trying to fight through the hormone surge to claw back my reason, my sanity. its something i literally cant control, i have tried my whole life. im not denying responsibility for it of course im responsible for it, but thats reality, its my reality. its my reality that the person i live with has secondary ptsd because of me because of my life because i was a sex trafficking victim from age 8 and i cant deal with dropping a cup of water anymore because of it. my brain is literally damaged, literally, literally, literally.  and i have hurt people because of it. maybe not physically but that doesnt matter. theres a person on this planet who is affected by the things ive done and will always be affected, and there is nothing i can do to fix that, or change it. as long as im alive it will be their reality as my caretaker (because atm im unemployable obviously for those reasons).  and you go to therapy and they say “try writing about your anger,” you know. “try focusing on what makes you angry.” nothing makes me angry its not about that, its not about that at all and it shows a distinct lack of comprehension of what ptsd is. ptsd is your brain being unable to deal with minor, mundane, ordinary stress. and ppl dont grasp what the word stress in neurological contexts means. it means novel, sudden actions. there are even good stressors and bad stressors. sex is a good stressor! lots of action! lots of cognitive shit going on! going on a date, going to a movie, riding a roller coaster, meeting a stranger, being startled accidentally, dropping/breaking things, running out of meds, being late for something. theyre all ordinary things that most ppl can deal with even if its inconvenient. people with ptsd cant. because our brains are conditioned to view every stressor response as a potential trauma.  funny thing is when trauma is actually going down our brains are pretty damn good at entering the fun zone, its that latent logical shit, ya know what i mean. everything gets slow-motion and youre able to shut down your emotions and just act and do the shit that has to be done, just clench up and freeze and let your eyes drift and you’re ready to endure.  when you spend your whole life like that, every little thing becomes something your brain assesses as potentially traumatic, potentially going to harm you, your brain doesn’t know the difference between the telephone ringing unexpectedly or a masked intruder about to rape you. its like the fucking tumblr algorithm. beige tones?????//? ThIs iS nOt My SAfe PLAacE?!!! bam adrenal response. and im not trying to justify abuse, this isnt my attempt to justify it, but it is a real issue that exists for alot of people? probably people who arent involved in our community bc this seems to affect ppl who dont have regular access to online resources proportionately more (there is a link between being well-educated on ptsd and being better able to manage your ptsd, shocker water is wet etc etc, but its not imminently an obvious correlation! i dont hit people or break down the doors specifically because ive devoted my life to learning about and understanding my disorder) but there are people. we dont want to talk about this shit bc its like an open fucking secret, some of us get crazy some of us go fawn-like and become people pleasers, some of us get violent (’violence’ as a word im using to refer to ppl who explode outwardly and impact their environment in some way, not necessarily physical 100% of the time, you dont need to hit someone to be a violent person) anyway just thought id rant about this good luck chiddlers