#Im kinda stoked to be able to focus on new things

[lerildeal]

And here it is! my sketchbook tour!

This sketchbook was real fun to make but Im glad its over with

I have a version with commentary that can be found here if thats the kind of thing your interested in: https://youtu.be/P02t5czbAW8

[cantevenstarveright]

July 15, 2021

Calories Consumed: 670

Calories Burned: 331

Today was.. long. Last night shook me up, I’ve been anxious since, and I’ve been unable to focus on anything really. Two of my key homework days now have plans that I can’t back out of so I’m gonna have to spend my off days essentially nonstop working if I wanna get everything I need to get done actually finished.

However, on the topic of my little ol’ ed, weigh-in went pretty well, I lost 2.6 pounds since last week which isn’t bad, plus I’m finally under 130 and at my new lowest weight so I’m pretty stoked about that. I stayed within my regular calorie limit, of course, but I didn’t really exercise much - I haven’t been able to just because I’ve literally been constantly busy from when I wake up to when I go to sleep, shit is ass fr but I really hope I can get back on it here once everything kinda slows down for me

Anyways, here’s my little calendar thing, I can’t believe we’re already halfway through the month tbh. Next month is when fall classes start and I’m so stressed about it - as if I don’t have enough to be anxious about right? Im just trying to take things day by day at this point and hope for the best. There are better days ahead (I’m hoping, anyway lmao)

[emperor-lover]

hello! can I request for college! au jihoon ?

hello! of course you can~ here you go! im not used to writing for idols who are younger than me so hopefully it’s ok hahaa… (btw go read my Minki college!au if you havent yet, because im real proud of it woohoo) - I’ve edited it so no more typos woohoo

Park Jihoon College!AU

So there’s this guy in your lecture hall

And he sits in a spot a few rows down and to the right from you

so if you tilt your head slightly he’s in your perfect line of vision

he’s someone who’s always caught your eye because he’s literally so good looking???

and he looked super familiar but you can’t put a finger on why

in lectures he’s always taking down notes and listening intently to the lecturer

he sits with a couple of his friends and they all seem like a nice bunch of pals

y’know, the typical joking around, slapping each other on the backs, fist bumps, the stuff you see in stock photos and teen movies

and he has the nicest smile??? like wow this boy was blessed with some photogenic wonders that do not come by easily in this world

after a lecture one day you’re packing up your stuff and filing out of the room with everyone else, when you realise you left your jacket on the back of the seat you were sitting at

you trudge up the steps quietly to get where you had been sitting when you notice two girls, one of them giggling away whilst pushing the other up to the cute guy who’s still joking round with his mates

“Um…Jihoon?”

He pauses and turns to look at her

his facial expression is still smiling, waiting for her to continue speaking

“Would I be able to talk to you…in private?”

Jihoon’s friends are all like :o and trying to warn the girl with their expressions that this is not a good idea

and you’re a bit taken aback by how sharp his gaze has turned

it’s kinda scary, like he’s still smiling, but his eyes are cold

“anything you say to me, I’ll tell them anyway, so you might as well tell me in front of them”

the girl and her friend are taken aback, but she still manages to stutter out a confession

Your heart goes out to the poor girl, it’s takes a lot of courage to confess to your crush

you’re kinda amazed by the events unfolding in front of you so you squat down behind the seats to see what will happen next

You swear Jihoon just rolled his eyes???? wow rude 

He folds his arms across his chest “i don’t think you’d like me very much if you knew what I’m really like”

The girls just shakes her head, not wanting to take no for an answer but he cuts her off mid rebuttal

“anyways, im not interested in dating you. You can go now.” 

The girl’s friend quickly grabs the girl’s hand and pulls her out of the room before the waterworks starts and you hear Jihoon sigh in relief

Woweeee what a jerk

you’re surprised, because he seems like such a warm individual with his friends and from what you’d seen of him

his friend Woojin nudged his shoulder, “Jihoon, that must’ve been the 6th confession you’ve got since the semester started…”

Woojin had actually gone to the same high school as you, and although you weren’t close, you knew him as a warm and funny individual

So after what you just saw happen, you were surprised to see that him and Jihoon were so close

“I don’t get why they keep confessing to me, I’m not interested in dating right now, I thought I made that clear.”

he runs his hand through his hair, and your heart speeds up a bit

like ok he’s a jerk but he’s a good looking one

You realise you’ve been sitting there for a while now and you remember that you were meant to be on your way to your next lecture

You try to sneak out the back entrance without disturbing the guys’ conversation

but lol you trip

of course

out of all times to trip

you trip now

good job, you get an A+ for stealthiness 

And Jihoon and Woojin’s heads snap up to where you’re sprawled out on the stairs

and you make eye contact with Jihoon who’s staring at you with this look that can only be described as annoyed curiosity

Suddenly you realise where you recognise him from and before you can stop yourself, you hear your own voice echoing through the lecture theatre

“hey, you’re Wink Boy….”

There was this guy in all the commercials promoting your college, and the ending clip of him winking had highkey gone viral - hence “wink boy”

Like people were fangirling over him and coming to the college 

it was one powerful af wink

Jihoon sighs and looks like he’s about to say something but you haven’t finished talking

“….thought you’d be nicer, but guess not…”

Woojin starts snickering hysterically in the background, he’s surprised you’re talking back to Jihoon because you were always super nice when you went to school with him

Diverting your attention to Woojin you gave him a cheery wave, “hey Park Woojin, good to see you”

“Y/N, good to see you too! how long were you listening there for?” 

As you make small talk with Woojin, you notice Jihoon getting crankier by the minute.

First you insult him, then you ignore him completely as if nothing happened? 

“See ya later boys, don’t break anymore girls’ hearts”

And you left the pair with a blinding smile, flicking you hair behind your shoulder as you headed off to your next lecture (playing it cool, make them forget you just tripped over)

“Who was that?”

“Oh, that’s Y/N, I went to high school with them.”

Jihoon nods, deep in thought “…she’s pretty.”

Over time, you didn’t really have that many interactions with Jihoon

you’d still admire his good looks from afar in your lectures,

and your crush on him was still the same

but it didn’t really affect you that much that he didn’t spare a glance your way so you just kept living your life peacefully

or so you thought

Jihoon pestered Woojin about you, and how you two knew each other

poor poor woojin

Jihoon also hadn’t been going to all the lectures recently, and you were kinda like oh well, guess i don’t have any excuse to be distracted in lectures anymore

then one day it was time. 

time for good ol’ group projects woopdedooo…the true cupid but also kills friendships lmao

so far you’ve had good group project experiences so you’re excited to see the new faces you’ll be working with for the next few weeks

“Squish over will you?”

that is, until you look up and see that Jihoon has come over and is standing next to the table you’re at

“eh? Wink boy, what are you doing here?”

“What do you mean? I’m in this group too.”

Everyone in the group was stoked that Jihoon was in their group because he always had some of the highest grades in the class and whenever he was in a group, they always got super good marks.

Like the lecturers and markers always love Jihoon and will give him good marks for his presentations 

and you knew he was capable, because you had been talking to a freshman called Lai Kuanlin who was getting tutored by Jihoon

But for some reason, you were struggling to believe it all now because for the past 3 meet ups, Jihoon’s sole focus had been on his phone

Usually you’d have the meetings at Jihoon’s dorm, because it was on the uni campus and that meant he wouldn’t have much of an excuse not to be there

But just the fact he never contributed any thoughts or ideas was starting to get on your nerves

The epitome of the “I’ll let you guys do all the work” member of the group

Everyone was too wary or polite to say anything but you could tell it was starting to get tense

One day after a meeting you tapped his arm as he slung his backpack over his shoulder

“Jihoon, can I talk to you for a sec?”

“What is it?”

“Is there something going on? You barely say 3 sentences in each meeting we have for this project…”

He opens his mouth to say something, and you wait for a response but he stays quiet

You can tell he’s hiding something but it’s not like he’s going to tell you his secrets anytime soon, so you just shrug and sigh

“Look, I know we didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, but can you at least put some effort into the project for the others? I don’t think it’s fair that everyone else is trying so hard and you’ve done nothing”

You head towards the door, but Jihoon grabs your arm

“Y/N-”

“make sure you send all the stuff you’ve done to me by tomorrow otherwise we’re all going to fail, and i’m not letting that happen”

Jihoon just nods at you and you look into his eyes, trying to decipher what’s going on in his head

“You know you can talk to me right? I’m not going to judge you.”

“I…I’m…never mind”

You didn’t want to push further so you just nodded and headed off home leaving Jihoon in a daze. There weren’t many people he had met at college who genuinely cared about people like you did.

However, even though you were holding back as much as possible, you had been delegated the role of putting everyones work together and submitting it

So when it was the day before the deadline, and Jihoon still hadn’t sent his work through to you….

you just snapped, storming over to his dormitory and knocking roughly on the door

“Jihoon, open up! It’s Y/N”

Standing outside for another couple of minutes you figured that he must not have been home and you were about to head off when you saw him round the corner 

“Y/N? what are you doing here?”

“The project? You haven’t sent me your things yet, and you havent been replying to any of my messages”

“You sent me messages?” He took his phone out of his pocket, gulping nervously when he saw the list of missed calls and unread texts.

“Look I can explain, do you want to come in first?”

He opened the door to his dorm and ushered you inside, before you can answer

“Last month, I was scouted by a company to become an idol….”

Recently, he had been training non-stop, which explained why you hadn’t been seeing him in all your lectures like usual

He’d get home late, have no time to work on anything or relax

And the company trainee contract meant that he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about his training and he still had to attend as much college as possible

As Jihoon explained his situation, you saw the exhaustion on his face and how genuine he was explaining himself

You sat down next to him, getting your laptop out of your bag

“Well, it’s called a group project for a reason, I can give you a hand”

“No, it’s fine really, I’ll get my part done and send i through to you ASAP, you can go.”

“And risk you falling asleep halfway through and not meeting the deadline, no way.”

You end up working all the way through the evening, stopping briefly to wander to the kitchen to make some coffee

Woojin was there making something to eat and he looked up at you in surprise

“Y/N? What are you doing here?”

“Oh I’m working on the group project with Jihoon, we’re a bit behind schedule”

Woojin looked disappointed, “Is that all? Jihoon hasn’t told you anything…interesting?”

You raise an eyebrow in confusion, “interesting? Oh you mean how he’s a trainee?”

“Yea-! wait no! He told you that he’s a trainee?” 

“Yeah, it explains why he hasn’t been at lectures”

“Ah never mind that, there was something else he’s been wanting to ask you!” Woojin giggles, “Jihoon’s a good guy, just give him a chance alright.”

“A chance for what?”

“I said too much, never mind” 

You shake your head, not too sure what Woojin was going on about, but you took the two coffees and headed back to Jihoon’s room

Closing the door behind you were about to ask Jihoon to decipher what Woojin had just said when you noticed him fast asleep at his desk

Setting down the coffee gently on a coaster you sighed.

This was probably the first time he slept in a while judging by his under eye bags

You walked slowly to his bed, and grabbed the fluffy blanket, placing it over him

You took in his appearance as you stood looking over him

He looked so relaxed when he was asleep, so different to the cold stare he had given that girl who confessed to him during your first encounter

His eyelashes are long and they flutter gently whenever he inhales, his body rising and falling steadily with each breath

You tear your eyes away from him and back to your laptop screen, trying to snap yourself out of the daze, you have to finish this project by tonight

It’s only moments later when you realise that you’ve also drifted off into a slumber

The feeling of something soft is over your shoulders, and you realise the blanket has moved from its owner and is now covering you

It smells like Jihoon though and you find yourself closing your eyes again relaxing in the warmth

—Wait. You fell asleep? 

Your eyes flicker open just in time to see Jihoon printing out sheets of paper and stapling everything together

You glance at the clock and you swear your eyes are playing tricks on you when it reads 3AM

“When did I fall asleep??”

Jihoon is startled by your voice, causing him to drop the stapler he was holding

Both of you reach down to grab it, bumping heads at the same time

You both pull back rubbing your heads in pain, before looking at each other and bursting out into giggles

He looked at the clock, “You probably fell asleep a couple of hours ago, I finished the rest of it and printed everything out so don’t worry. It’s really late though so I should’ve woken you up earlier, I’m sorry.”

You shook your head, “It’s my fault! I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. But seeing as you’ve finished everything, I should probably head home now.”

“W-wait! Let me walk you home at least”

You were taken aback, but it was late, so you figured better be safe than sorry.

You only realised how cold it had gotten as you stepped outside and the air hit you

You shivered slightly, your cardigan wasn’t doing a great job at keeping you warm

Jihoon looked over at you as you walked together, noticing that your teeth were chattering

He reached into his pocket, and handed you his handwarmer

“Take it.”

You look at him in surprise, “Oh I’m fine really, we’re nearly at my place anyway.

“Just take it.” He places the handwarmer gently but firmly into the palm of your hand

The dim street lights make it hard to tell but you swear can see faint traces of a blush on Jihoon’s face

“Y/N, your hands are freezing?!”

You shrug, “it’s just bad circulation, i’ll be fine with the handwarmer, thank you”

Jihoon shakes his head in concern before grabbing both your hands in his

His hands are warm and soft against yours and you blush at the close proximity

He brings your hands up to his face and slowly breathes onto them, the warm air hitting them

It’s a sweet gesture and you’re getting even more flustered because who wouldn’t want their longtime crush to do something like this

You tried to divert your attention to something else, so you started up another conversation

“Oh, so Woojin was telling me that you had something interesting to tell me?”  

“Oh um.” Jihoon lets go of your hands and scratches the back of his head awkwardly

You’re a bit sad at the sudden lack of warmth of his hands round yours but you just ignore the feeling

“Must be something juicy, what is it? Do you like someone?”

Jihoon’s eyes widen, and you realise you hit the nail on the head.

Your heart sinks a bit but you force a smile on your face, “ah how sweet, what are they like?”

He takes a deep breath, eyes practically glazing over as he speaks, “she’s beautiful, and kind and has the most breathtaking smile…”

You nod silently, glad that your house is literally only a few more steps away

“and also..well…you’d probably know better than me.” Jihoon stops walking, making you pause mid step. 

“Uh….hmmm, is it Sohyun? oh, wait, what about Jaehee? Am I right? Yes? No?”

He’s looking directly at you, his stare burning straight through you. “You really have no idea who I’m talking about….”

You’re literally so confused, trying to think of everyone in your class.

“For someone as bright as you, you’re quite slow on the uptake aren’t you?”

Next thing you know, Jihoon has reached over to you and pulled you to him

His lips are sweet on yours and your mind is racing as his arms embrace you gently

You can feel his heart hammering quickly against his chest under your palm and you can feel your own heartbeat pounding in your ears

When you pull apart, both of you are too shy to make eyecontact and you splutter out a goodnight

you reach up and give him a quick peck on the cheek before zooming inside your house, immediately resting against the door as soon as it closes behind you

A few minutes later your phone chimes and you pick it up tentatively

It’s a text from Jihoon. 

From: Park Winkboy:Hope you sleep well tonight and I’ll see you in the morning. Thanks for helping me out with the project.

You smile gently, and you’re texting a reply when your phone chimes again

From: Park Winkboy:P.S. I really like you 

i can totally picture college Jihoon embracing his dorm!jihoon self and going full tsundere mode lol - This is so long tho omfg when did i become winkboy trash.  

[slowdeathheatwave]

well. last week sucked.  i dont even know where to begin really.  i guess my panic attack on monday.  id never had one that badly before. ive always overthought and been able to keep myself together, but there was no way to stop myself from spinning and i kept going to this awful pit of self hate and disgust.  and i was afraid. i was so afraid i was going to break and just hang myself.  and yeah that’s what i decided id do cause there wouldn’t be a mess for everyone else. like wtf. i was having those thoughts cause i couldnt keep myself together or bring myself back together.  i texted parker cause i was so fucking afraid and when he mentioned xanax, he didn’t even have to convince me because i was willing to do anything to get out of that spiral.  im better now, but im been a little afraid of myself that i can get that bad. 

my talk with quinn was i dunno. eyeopening but also didn’t help the bad thoughts.  i dont think she said anything that made me go ‘okay now i feel better about that.’ if anything my anger just turned to guilt.  i wish i could turn shit into something helpful to me but it always just turns into something worse. i didnt want to go through that again but i guess we needed to say a lot of it. or maybe i did.  i dunno. i wish the best for her, i really do, but its hard for me to ever think of her as a friend and not a girl that broke me. 

thank god for parker, honestly.  between last week just being there for me as i broke down and sobbed.  i doubt he expected to sit on the bathroom floor with me while i sobbed and waited for the xanax to kick in.  in all our years i dont think hes ever seen me that bad.  but maybe thats more cause its never been that bad.  its just so hard for me to think about how i want to be such a good friend to people and never feeling like im accomplishing that.  t dying reminded me ive been up my ass and he supported me from day one and where was i? why wasnt i supporting him? or, well, everyone said i was, but it just doesn’t feel like it was enough.  it makes me sick thinking about it again so maybe lets stop that. instead lets focus on how hes been really helping me figure out this extra cash thing and even like a laundering business that could work? i thought a bakery or laundromat or something was bullshit - but a food truck? that actually sounds reasonable? and kinda like up my alley.  and like suggesting dalton work there and we do somethign with weed even so its like hey we’re legally making weed money. i dunno. i think its really something we could make happen.  and id be really stoked if it worked and became a thing all our friends could be a part of and make a career for.  cause i mean yeah ive got the band, that’s always going to come first, but this is something i could let them do while im away and touring and idunno. its a fucking solid idea and it all goes to parker honestly. 

and i guess i should mention brooke a bit.  she took all her time to come visit me and i was an ass that didnt like realize she has work and shit in new york and she just dropped everything for me.  i was so wrapped up in myself so i feel like a bit of a prick nd need to make that up to her. i mean she said it was fine cause obviously it wasnt like i begged her or just assumed shed be there for me. it was kinda a special circumstance. but i dunno. i wanna treat her special. i want her to know she means a lot to me and i think up dumb shit like how much id like her to live in oakland and be close all the time.  i should probably get my shit together first before i ever float that idea, but yeah it crosses my mind sometimes. thats all