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maybe i need to add working on being a better boyfriend to my list god i hate myself

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well. last week sucked.  i dont even know where to begin really.  i guess my panic attack on monday.  id never had one that badly before. ive always overthought and been able to keep myself together, but there was no way to stop myself from spinning and i kept going to this awful pit of self hate and disgust.  and i was afraid. i was so afraid i was going to break and just hang myself.  and yeah that’s what i decided id do cause there wouldn’t be a mess for everyone else. like wtf. i was having those thoughts cause i couldnt keep myself together or bring myself back together.  i texted parker cause i was so fucking afraid and when he mentioned xanax, he didn’t even have to convince me because i was willing to do anything to get out of that spiral.  im better now, but im been a little afraid of myself that i can get that bad. 

my talk with quinn was i dunno. eyeopening but also didn’t help the bad thoughts.  i dont think she said anything that made me go ‘okay now i feel better about that.’ if anything my anger just turned to guilt.  i wish i could turn shit into something helpful to me but it always just turns into something worse. i didnt want to go through that again but i guess we needed to say a lot of it. or maybe i did.  i dunno. i wish the best for her, i really do, but its hard for me to ever think of her as a friend and not a girl that broke me. 

thank god for parker, honestly.  between last week just being there for me as i broke down and sobbed.  i doubt he expected to sit on the bathroom floor with me while i sobbed and waited for the xanax to kick in.  in all our years i dont think hes ever seen me that bad.  but maybe thats more cause its never been that bad.  its just so hard for me to think about how i want to be such a good friend to people and never feeling like im accomplishing that.  t dying reminded me ive been up my ass and he supported me from day one and where was i? why wasnt i supporting him? or, well, everyone said i was, but it just doesn’t feel like it was enough.  it makes me sick thinking about it again so maybe lets stop that. instead lets focus on how hes been really helping me figure out this extra cash thing and even like a laundering business that could work? i thought a bakery or laundromat or something was bullshit - but a food truck? that actually sounds reasonable? and kinda like up my alley.  and like suggesting dalton work there and we do somethign with weed even so its like hey we’re legally making weed money. i dunno. i think its really something we could make happen.  and id be really stoked if it worked and became a thing all our friends could be a part of and make a career for.  cause i mean yeah ive got the band, that’s always going to come first, but this is something i could let them do while im away and touring and idunno. its a fucking solid idea and it all goes to parker honestly. 

and i guess i should mention brooke a bit.  she took all her time to come visit me and i was an ass that didnt like realize she has work and shit in new york and she just dropped everything for me.  i was so wrapped up in myself so i feel like a bit of a prick nd need to make that up to her. i mean she said it was fine cause obviously it wasnt like i begged her or just assumed shed be there for me. it was kinda a special circumstance. but i dunno. i wanna treat her special. i want her to know she means a lot to me and i think up dumb shit like how much id like her to live in oakland and be close all the time.  i should probably get my shit together first before i ever float that idea, but yeah it crosses my mind sometimes. thats all

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Losing two friends in a week pretty much hit me down in the gut. I spent the whole day on parkers couch staring at the tv but not really watching it. I saw pictures but I didn’t take it in. I think that’s the perfect metaphor for how I’ve been living life. I look at the pictures on Instagram and Facebook but I don’t take them in, I don’t really know ehats going on and I don’t comment. I wish I was better. I wish I commented instead of liked. I wish I was a friend supporting instead of just getting support. I’ve spent a lot of any moment wondering if I’ve been a good friend and it was just a kick to reality that all the nice things Brooke says are just nice things.

She mentioned she didn’t know that I was so sentimental. It’s not something I show much I guess but I’ve always been like that. It’s why playlists made for someone resonate so deeply with me and a song links to a special moment. It’s why I haven’t listened to any of those songs on Quinn’s playlist. I’ve moved on, obviously, but I still remember those things. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to listen to some of those songs without thinking about her. They still mean something to me. They still pop up in my head sometimes making me wonder what was the deciding factor, why did the story change, what do I lack and what did I not pay attention to enough. I don’t like thunder still cause it reminds me of her teasing flirts. I’m not good at moving on.

In the same vein, how was I so selfishly involved that I didn’t notice Parker hurting. Is he still hurting and won’t say it just like before? Who was I to put myself first when I’m the bigger asshole, the bigger fuck up, the bigger mess. Wren coming back into my life brought that to life again. She thinks I was the jerk and maybe she’s right. Maybe I need to accept that I’m not the good person I try to be. Maybe I am the real asshole here and that’s why I’m in the background with less friends and always the after thought. The guy they plan events around and then when I walk by realize ta gunna look shit if they don’t invite me. Fucking kelens coming everyone shut up so we don’t have to include him.

Brooke coming out meant a lot. Sitting in her room and looking at our old yearbook, remembering the times I borrowed her pencil or she snuck looks at my homework answers. I always pushed my paper out to be in her eyesight. I don’t think she realized it was always on purpose for her. I remembered how she had those pens with the sparkles in them and I always cracked a smile at her perfect handwriting alternating star colors and little happy faces in the 00 for 100. We walked through the museums and aquarium holding hands and making jokes and just making it ours. I got that aquarium memory back. Now when I think about wandering through the fish, I’m not thinking about the date that never happened. Now I’ve got the taste of strawberry chapstick and smell of saltwater on my face. I’ve got Brooke’s giggle that drenches her face. It’s nowhere close to something that would be in a fashion magazine but it’s probably the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.

When she leaves, if she leaves, I have to figure out what’s going on. Corey sent me a text. Need to talk could use your help in MX. Somehow I don’t think it’s about really good tacos.

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parker and i talked about my situation.  he seems to be a bit more optimistic about the situation.  then again i didn’t tell him the achromatic kinda knows about it and could fuck things up.  i mean, i dont know if they would, but after last festival, it’s got me worried they have their hand in it.  i mean how else would so much money suddenly be coming in.  well, a million reasons including pot is legal an corey realized he had to kinda open his product line up to keep making cash.  im just sketched and over thinking which hey, nothing new there.

i keep thinking about how gigi told me im really her best friend, not parker.  i didn’t tell him cause i knew itd kill him  he always thinks theyre best friends, like shes his second best friend after me so i know hes be hurt hard.  especially since its just because he doesnt like her.  maybe she just said it cause she was being a bitch and crazy cause later she thanked me for being the friend that pointed out when she was being a psycho bitch.  so maybe her never talking to him again and me being her best friend was just her having a crazy moment and its fine.  i hope its fine. i don’t really get why this is still a fucking thing. it upsets parker enough im not going to tell him about it anymore and just hope gigi stops using dawson as a distraction and actually like him.  

i keep having these weird conversations with quinn and i dont know how to make them.  its like she wants me to be mean to her. or she wants me to say she’s shitty. and when i say she’s not, she just doesn’t let up and it gets me frustrated cause i feel like shes trying to get me to yell at her and tell her she’s shitty for what she did.  honestly, it just makes me remember it more and i do get annoyed remembering it.  but then i also still can’t wipe my guilt sometimes.  i know she’s got someone else according to parker, but when he tells me about their conversations i just can see there’s still something there and i feel shitty all over again.  i guess im always going to feel shitty i ruined something for him no matter how many times its explained it wasn’t on me or he’s fine.  i dunno. i probably need brooke to give me a good shake right now and help me get my head out of this shit, but i don’t want her worrying right now. 

which kinda leads me to how great she is... and how shitty i am.  like she listens to everything wrong with me and all my problems and i feel like i do nothing for her.  i should ask her more about work and how that’s going, maybe sure she’s doing okay, and not just unload on her all the time.  i keep thinking she’s going to get over my shit real quick and realize that i really do suck this hard.  

anyways. australia is good and im glad to be with the guys.  hope i drown cliff diving. 

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Spent the week in New York with Brooke and I think it just made us whole - you know? She’s so fucking special and amazing and I wish more people would notice. The way she goes on and on about things she loves and her eyes just light up like bubbles. She’s got the best smile and I know I was half asleep and talking out my ass but hey maybe one day she could be that girl that’s inside with the baby. I’m off to Australia now for download and I’m stoked. It’s going to be just story again like how tour goes. It’ll be cool seeing friends but it’s real different than this stuck in a spot for two weeks thing. Parker seems happy and I’m glad for it. He deserves it. There’s money on my counter at home and I know it’s more than what I spent during festival. It honestly makes me sick and I’m trying not to think about it, but I know I’m going to have to face it when I get home.

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i need someone to hold my hand and tell me I’m okay cause i feel like I’m fucking breaking

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hey no friends said shit to me after that article so lets continue just ignoring i gave shit to anyone. sounds good? good. 

also i keep meaning to write about how we played canada coldplay at festival and didnt get booed off the stage. i think it got a good reception? the shitty youtube videos have some good comments. some mediocre ones too. ughhhh i hate this lead up to a new album

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i dunno how to phrase it. its not that im worried about parker. i think hes strong and honestly if he got through all our shit last festival without breaking sobriety, this should be a piece of cake.  but still. i hate he feels tempted. i hate that he has to keep coming to me to deal with this shit.  not that i hate that he does- im glad he does and im happy to help him no questions asked - but just that he keeps having to? shit just keeps being handed to him and testing him again and again and its like whens dude gunna get a break, you know? he deserves it.  yeah shit was bad between us but we’re good again, really good, and i think he should get to be happy now too instead of hiding all day from our room cause there’s more lean than a fucking pharmacy in the safe.

but other than that i think things are really good.  brooke and i are... uh... not official but not not official? like i tell people about her and that i like her so.  and im planning on visiting her in new york.  im not into anyone else and she makes me so happy. i dunno how she puts up with my head and all the shit i tell her.  she must think im insane. and yet she still likes me? i dunno. but she makes me really happy and i feel really lucky to have her in my life.  she’s just grat honestly i dunno what to say. 

i got all the spending money shit out of the way quick and haven’t really followd up on it.  i didn’t ask to see if they even go the things. i bought it, thats all that matters.  i got brooke a necklace and im nervous to give it to her. shes ugnna know its expensive and say something but, i think its worth it. i hate like giving shit and having people say thank you. especially with it not relaly being money i earned. well. earned legally. fuck i hate this.

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$2500 on a gucci jacket and short obnoxious outfit for pc

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we’re not doing a play by play. but we probably are since thats how my updates usually go these days. 

my birthday.  i know iw as pretty down about shit and not about it, but it was probably one of the best i’ve had in a long while.  the party, chilling with friends, the family bbq, the hockey game - it was all pretty much everything i would have ever asked for.  i relaly fucking appreciated all the work parker did to put it on and get shit chill and it just - it really meant a lot and helped a lot me just soak in yeah sometimes shit hurts and its not perfect, but he’s the best sort of friend anyone could ask for.  he’s there for me better than anyone else and i just, i dunno. i know this all sucked hard, but i feel like if anything it maybe made our friendship a bit stronger.  like man if we can sort this shit out and grow from it and all that, then my worries about the big stuff that i asked him about kinda just float away.  at least for now while im not depressed and overthinking and can’t escape the hole ive dug of pessimism and hate.  but yeah so anyways id tell you get parker to be your best friend but im not fucking sharing ya dicks. 

oh and i kissed brooke when i dropped her off at the game. i was dumb and totally walked her to her door and im sure her parents were like watching through the window or in the living room so they had some idea like we’re fucking in high school and shit but i dunno. it just felt like the right thing to do in the moment. i couldnt really hold it in anymore.  especially after talking to parker about what quinn told me.  i felt a bit guilty you know, like here i am celebrating my birthday with all my friends and i purposely didnt invite quinn and then he called off being together or whatever.  not that she phrased it that way, but it just kinda felt like she had been kinda saying like we decided this cause of you.  so at the party i wasnt about to just make it about getting with brooke and i really did want to celebrate with my friends and spend time with them like the days off we got during warped tour but not having to worry about finding a shower or doing laundry and actually getting to enjoy time together.  like that was the best moments of warped, the off days when we all got to hang and fuck around in a parkinglot shaking and bbqs and just not dealing with the other bullshit.  and thats what i got and again it was perfect.  but yeah so i talked to parker abotu it and he explained it better and made me feel better about following my feelings for brooke.  so heh if this works out i got to thank him for that too. 

but yeah so brooke and i are going okay? im fuckign nervous. im really worried shits just gunna hit and its drama all over again. ive been joking but its not really funny every festival parker and i have ended in a fight. i dont want that happening this time. i just want things to go well for us and be there for each other.  i remember first festival i was pissed so much was abotu girls so im trying hard to like, make sure its balanced.  make sure that im not just chilling with parker when its band shit and spending 24/7 with brooke. i think she gets it though? she seemed really understanding this morning that id be gone all day but just popped in to say hello this morning. and make out. and get my hands under those pjs. and fuck i want to get those pjs off now. 

um okay. so last thing. i p much was told i have to spend at least 10k on friends and im kinda... fucked.  like i have the money and hell thats barely a dent in it, but like... my friends are gunna noticed im buying them expensive shit.  like they’ll know its stuff i ‘can’t’ afford no matter how i try to pass it off so i dont know what to fucking do. i remember giving $500 amazon gift cards for christmas to the guys and them all flipping out how much was on there. how the fuck am i gunna pass off $2000?? so i just. ill do it but not say its from me. i mean.. .its doing what they want right? cause i mean if they tell my family im laundering money, theyre going to be disappointed but they wont disown me. i dont think. the police things a little scary but i think i could tell them i dint know what i was doing? that i was just doing my friends taxes. i had no idea about the drugs? i mean i have a burner so theres no like trace of shit.  thats what im crossing my fingers on at least cause i dunno what to do... 

so far ive spent:

~$1100 on flowers for gigi

~$2100 on gucci shoes for astrid

~$2200 on a fender strat for nick

~$2000 on a backpack for quinn (i dont know why dont ask me im a moron)

plans to get shit for... gucci shit for parker? leather jacket for george? i wanna get a necklace for brooke. something really her and beautiful. i just. its gotta be perfect. 

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