#If any of you have realised- I am a little obsessed with making low quality doodles these days

[amazingdeadfish]

What if Mac pranked mayor by turning into his dog and then abruptly transformed back and said "Boo."

[life-rewritten]

TOP 10 BLS of 2021; The highest of highs and the lowest of lows

Ehh… Wasn’t exactly sure by the end of the year 2021 I would have a list for this haha, it seemed for a while that I wasn’t actually as pleased or obsessed with the bls produced, plus there was an automatic drought that occurred for months from channels like GMMTV and Channel 3 but even that couldn’t be an excuse because they managed to produce more than 2 shows this year that all were completed and filled with good quality. At the end of the day I realised the problem was with me, I was going through a huge bl fatigue and I was refusing to open my mind to seeing any chances of change, growth or evolution of the genre. The year started of with a bang and somehow it felt like to me it slowly festered in the middle, all of a sudden I couldn’t forgive the disappointments from some shows I wanted so badly to be good, and I couldn’t quite move on from the ones that had already stormed through my heart and set a throne for its self. It was hard. Luckily 2021 was a roller coaster of emotions, with highest of highs, and lowest of lows, with despairing disappointments but immense signs of change and transformation slowly occurring throughout the genres. 

The companies were serious this time, probably due to winners of last year (ITSAY, Cherry Magic and so on) and they decided to follow where the trends laid, they decided to make things more heavy, more serious, filled with higher quality and efforts, and they decided to make BLs mean something? This year has been surprising to say the least, last year I wrote a whole rant and manifest piece on what I would like in BLs and what must change and to be honest this year did that, and yet still knowing it did that with some shows they still left me feeling unsatisfied and unaffected, WHY? Anyway I’m not going to focus on the negatives of the past, I want to focus on those little gem stones in this genre that stood out and are going to make others work harder to get our  attention in this highly competitive category. And I am forever grateful for them. Let’s begin

Ranking is done in two ways, first a ranking in terms of position on the top 10 list to me (1st to 10th place) and the second is ratings from 1-10  with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest when looking at quality, story, acting and more.

China/Taiwan

Word of Honor

Surprise? A Chinese Bromance as my number one BL? Are we actually shocked? Probably not, to be fair the Chinese industry for Danmei has like the best of writers and it sometimes makes me gobsmacked how talented they are, it’s not a surprise to me that although I have issues with the whole government system of the country, that I still let my self watch their bromance/censored bls and lose my mind over it, and to be honest Word of Honor wasn’t even in my radar, like I didn’t care about it at all, I knew Simon would be in it, (Veteran over there for this genre I guess) and I love him and appreciate him so much but I never thought he’d steal my heart and never give it back as We Ke Xing. Sorry to cut it short, this show is a master piece despite it’s flaws and lacks, it is so good, it’s written with immense passion, love and effort, it’s thought out and filled with so much respect and awe from everyone on the team,  but the story was such a shock, surpassing censorship and making us squeal, cry and think. I loved these characters so much, I have never thought there’d be a day I’d see a tv show surpass it’s adaptation source but Word of Honor was incredible and deserves this spot.

Rating: 9.8/10

Rank :  1st Place

We Best Love

Taiwan you did it again! Lin Pei Yu, you came back and did it again. And words can’t explain how grateful I am for this show. This show means so much to me and like it shouldn’t even be that deep and it’s just a typical generic bl; nothing special, nothing different, it’s romantic and it’s sweet but it’s funny because in its simplicity, WBL has so much effort and thought put into its writing and analysing this show feels like it could take ages because it discusses everything that people deal with in reality with this genre, especially as we start to grow and learn about ourselves. It calls out things too, it adds representation that BLs normally lack. I mean I would say it has its flaws like how not all the side couples are thought out fully but it still holds an array of characters that I hold dear. This show isn’t a simple thing to watch on the surface, if you do that you see it as just a simple BL and you miss the subtext and planning and story telling and mirroring and foreshadowing that was below that. It was already great as a simple bl story, and filled with incredible talent and chemistry from Taiwan as usual. The two parts of the series stand out to me so much and they all together deserve to take this place. 

Ratings: 9.5/10

Rank: 2nd Place

Mo Dao Zu Shi Season 3 (Donghua)

Ahh my baby is finally over and omg another MDZ era completed, now I just have the manga left to read and complete. But the way this show suddenly became on of my favourite adaptations so far? The first two seasons were censored with a vengeance but the third season saw my three couples having moments, that were good and grand and made me bawl my eyes out, like the WangXiian wedding subtext scenes, or just the happy ending in general?? It was everything, and because MDZ is one of my ultimate bls,  I appreciated the talent that went into the animation and made it what it was. I will miss my WangXian but it’s okay because TGCF owns me next year so ha…  I don’t really have a lot to say about Chinese adaptations, it’s not really bl as usual but it was perfect for me knowing the story and having memories with the whole journey of this story.  

Ratings: 9/10

Rank: 7th Place

Thailand 

 A Tale of a Thousand Stars

I don’t actually think this should shock people as I have videos talking about the magnificence of this show, podcasts for hours detailing all the clues and depth in this show and long and short essays written for this show. I gave a lot of my heart to this show and I still love it to be honest. It’s difficult for me because it’s been put here on this list but I do love the other shows below more currently and there were times this show felt disappointing at times; its incredibly slow pace that at times became too much to bare, and my minor issue with how it wrapped up towards the end. I don’t even think this show is rushed, or lacking in terms of completing it’s goals in its story but it just felt empty to me at times, there were moments where this couple felt real and I adored them, and times where I felt oddly distant by the love they were professing, and yet I can’t explain why I feel this way which is why you don’t see me discussing or reblogging a lot about this show anymore. At the end of the day I still think this show is its own masterpiece and deserves to be called that for this genre, that’s why  I have given it the number 3 spot on this list but to be honest if I was asking my self if I’ll rewatch or add this as one of my favourite bls overall then the answer will be no. What a shocking twist I never thought I would say that when I was watching this show at the start of last year,  but 2021 was full of surprises and being weirded out with my lack of love for this now? Yeh that’s a huge one

Ratings: 8.5/10

Rank: 3rd Place

 Bad Buddy

Lol it feels very controversial giving Bad buddy 5th place this year and I even chose MBM over Bad buddy like what? Lol, Ohm Pawat, my love showed up and made my screaming over the trailer last year worth it. I mean you just can’t go wrong with this cast, you can’t go wrong with this production and for me you can’t go wrong with Backaof and Bad buddy is the compilation of all that is BL when BL is good. I mean it truly is. It’s fluffy, sweet and angsty but it feels right. The acting is incredible and the characters though dimensional and flawed at the start. They go through the best development and have the best arcs ever. Pat is one of the best BL characters ever. Nanon has floored everyone and I’m just like not surprised at all, it’s NANON. Anyways yeah, these two are good. I don’t have a lot to say about this show, it’s great, episode 5 was iconic and worth it and it’s amazing. Is it in my top BLS overall? No not really, well not as high on the list as everybody else, but I get it and I appreciate everyone on this show so much. Also this show proves again how BL should not be put in a box and how it can grow and evolve and mean more to the community; it tackles offensive stereotypes and has discussions about every real life issue without feeling too preachy or shoe horned. Well done to GMMTV for letting this show do its thing. The GL element as well added to this show and the dimensional side characters are also plus to this masterpiece of a show. And personally for me the Romeo and Juliet literature template makes me feral because I obsess over meta and allegories and shadow characters so I adore it so much. I want more BLs based on fairytales or Shakespeare here’s hoping for something in 2022.

Ratings: 9/10

Rank: 5th Place

NOT ME

Am I really adding a show that’s only aired three episodes into my top 10 over the others? Yes. Yes I am. No but are you shocked? Um OffGun, have a chokehold on me. I mean I haven’t really thought about it like Yes I love Theory of Love more than anyone else and it is my ultimate but it wasn’t really because of them? It was because of the director and story telling and the meta and themes and the growth of every character. So I always wondered if I was possibly biased to these two because of that show since with PickRome wasn’t in my radar like that, and there were times even though he is my bias I have judged Jumpol harshly on his acting and felt confused by it. But to be honest it doesn’t matter anymore because NOT ME wipes that all away. It is OffGun that have me in a chokehold because what they choose to do is excellence, it’s talent, it’s amazing. I don’t care if others don’t think so, don’t care if I’m exaggerating, I just… this whole year I struggled with TV and felt worried I wouldn’t be able to find something to spark my passion but these two showed up and knocked it out of the park in just three episodes??? And it’s not just them because NOT ME is so much more than that, it’s everyone involved in the show, all the couples have me in a  chokehold, all the actors surprise and make me breathless with excitement, all the writing, directing all of it! I honestly can’ t and I know it’s scary to give myself to this show because with BL, anything can change in a couple of episodes but I trust my gut with this show, I trust my intuition that this show is it for me and I trust that OffGun are going to blow my mind away with their performance. I am immensely biased with this show and I’m happy for once to feel that way.

Ratings: 9.5/10

Rank: 6th Place

Japan

My Beautiful Man

Japan you did it again! I was worried that you wouldn’t but you did! As much as Keita Hatsukoi was everyone's favourite, I actually like with ATOTS disliked it a lot at times; I understood what people saw in it, I understood the analysis requited and I even found it cute. I got why people felt truly happy watching it after all last year Cherry Magic was one of my favourites but um KH was my guilty non-pleasure and I felt bad saying it, till MBM because like what?  Japan continues to stun me with this genre, they’re the origin after all, but it’s the way that all their bls are well thought out, filled with depth and heart, even with the messy storylines and MBM was just incredibly directed, incredibly written and it blew my mind how good it was? It was filled with subtext, you had to focus on below the surface, the characters were all so human and real and flawed and the story makes sense in its own twisted way. I love the growth of both the characters and episode 6 is one of the best endings to a bl this year, perfectly done with the angst and pent up longing and so many misunderstandings because these two idiots couldn’t communicate what they felt for a while. Requited but they don’t know; my actual favourite trope. The only reason this wasn’t in my top 3 is because it’s not long enough and I wanted more episodes damn it! I wanted it to have as many as Cherry Magic sigh… But it’s okay it was still perfection in its own way.

Ratings: 9/10

Rank: 4th Place

Korea

To be honest Korea was disappointing with BLs for me in 2021. I know there are some favourites here and there for others but for me they didn’t affect me that way. I can’t accept Korean Bls easily because I know Korea can do better and greater and I think they’re starting to be lazy and trick people into being compliant with lack of quality that they berate Thailand and other countries which are trying, for. I give Korea a lot of love and awe because I know what theyc an do with their writing, media and acting. I know what BL can become from them and for me it’s not enough to be okay with minimum leftovers they do for BLs, I think 2021 is pretty unforgivable for Korea with the standard they set BLs at, and that’s my honest truth. However some stood out and so I added them to the bottom of this list I will explain why.

Light On Me

LOM is one of the shows that I feel conflicted about.  Cause like I love triangles, and I like some dimension to my characters and I like enemies to lovers but I don’t normally enjoy it the way Light on me does it. Though Shinwoo’s unrequited struggles was funny and angsty to see. Daewon went through it and I enjoyed watching growth and acceptance at the end. I just wish it was more? But I’ll give light on me props. Ost is great, story was structured well and love triangle was done alright I guess. Lol see this is what I mean when I say Korea wasn’t it this year, this is not how I should react to Korean show that I like. I don’t know but I had to do a top 10 list and LOM for effort, heart and happiness it brought gets to be here. I want longer Korean BLs Korea, and I want good writers and better directors and I know it’s unfair to put this standard on you but I know you can do it and when you do it we will lose our minds for now I’m over this short could be more storyline concept of BLs in Korea. Seems because of success of LOM we could get longer and better adaptations next year I can’t wait.

Ratings: 8/10  ( I did love it more than the things that didn’t make it on this list but I wish it could have been more)

Rank: 9th Place

Color Rush

Oh nooo  not the show that I wrote so much about and obsessed about and was in love with at the beginning of 2021 taking last place. Gasp. No I’m really surprised by this too, but after so much this year I think Color rush is complicated for me. Again it has everything I want in a BL; allegories, meta, depth, and it has flawed characters who grow and understand their mindset and it’s fantasy? Like I should be obsessed but it’s short and underdeveloped and ahhh Korea why. Sigh… Color rush makes me feel similar to how I feel about My beautiful man but where it needs more episodes and length  but with MBM despite that I got everything I loved, and I felt the chemistry and I felt satisfied at the ending, with Color rush I know it will do more in season 2  ( I am excited about this and delusionally believing it’s going to be angsty as fuck and have a love triangle building)  but it didn’t in this season. It had good moments, a great source for its origins to adapt from and it had mystery and fantasy as well, it had the potential and everything to be incredible but I felt the acting at times could have been better only at times, and I also felt dissatisfied with many moments too.  Sigh I want to love and praise this show the way I do the others, but I must be honest, this is an example of a BL if done right with length and more quality, that would make Korea surpass everything in this genre, but it’s limited by this Korea Bl thing, and so we suffer knowing this.  I get why we have short bls, I get that people are still putting effort but I just think it’s unfair to this genre, I can’t praise unfair or let it be hidden or gotten away with when I know Korea will make BL big one day. If they think what they’re doing with BLs in 2021 is enough or right I’ll be disappointed, it needs to grow and evolve so I’ll keep letting my frustrations show.

Ratings: 8/10  ( Potential is there so much potential, but it’s hard to let it pass when if it was a het show I wouldn’t even flutter an eye lash towards its direction.) Rank: 10th Place

  Western

 Druck Season 7; Isi

Ehh… So I had already completed my list of my top bls of 2021, and I couldn’t find something for number 10 that I felt comfortable and truly happy to say was in my top, and then I watched this season of druck despite my  unforgiving vendetta against Skam nowadays, and I was obsessed. I mean people aren’t happy with this season at all, all I saw from the fandom was negativity to the whole structure and story, and it made me look away from this show until I had no BLs to watch in the week. And I was craving new content. I am so glad I decided to watch this show, because I thought it was great. I understood the issues with the writing and the confusion from the audience who felt bamboozled in the story and felt like it was rush and missing moments, but I still loved it. And I normally hate slow burn ships, (because I like passion) but Isi and Sascha were incredible, I loved them both. Isi was so flawed but seeing their perspective made me understand and also get why they were who they were. I loved that they were POC, I enjoyed the Turkish representation, and I liked the Non-binary conversations and moments in this show (even if there should have been more) but I adored the dynamic they had with Lou and others even if at times it felt toxic. But Isi was always in a toxic situation  before the show started, this was about them getting out and seeing and understanding how bad it was with Consti. And I’m happy they’re finally free. As for Sascha, he was incredible,  he wasn’s as dimensional but he had his own personality, his own voice and his own calming presence. He was like a breath of fresh air each time he showed up, a ray of light and warmth for Isi and I enjoyed his angst and his perceived unrequited feelings so, so much.  I loved how they got together, because I always thought Isi had feelings for Sascha from the start so I wasn’t surprised as much as others who needed more proof or evidence that he felt that, since he was always looking at Lou on the surface more romantically. Ehhh. I loved it, it was requited but they don’t know for these two and when they did know it was angsty, brilliant and it led to lots of good scenes. Anyways I really enjoyed Druck and I thought it was great, I had fun with these two, not surpassing past skam couples but they did what they were meant to do for me, they were great and tackled Isi’s skam (insecurity and discovery) well.

Ratings: 8.8/10  Rank: 8th Place

This year I’ve been a mopey mess and I’m disappointed with a lot of things, however these are just my opinions, it may be controversial with the masses and might seem incomprehensible but it’s how I feel. I am biased a lot to lots of things but I still focus the most on quality and writing and potential like ATOTS is a masterpiece and it needs to be treated like that but it’s not my masterpiece and NOT ME feels clogged with plot holes on the surface but to me it’s wonderfully everything I wanted from this genre so yeah I am very biased with my opinions but I won’t apologise for it. This is how I felt about media, I hope 2021 gave you better experiences and 2022 is going to be filled with many, many great shows. I can’t wait to talk about it with you all on here. I will have a list on the shows that didn’t make my top 10 but could have if not for some stuff. Just because I write a lot about a show and analyse the good parts or potential doesn’t mean I enjoy it or like it like Don’t say no or Lovely writer and that’s my thing. Let’s hope for shows though that we all are obsessed with and I do love and feel satisfied with like with 2019 shows but even greater this year. Happy new year.

[mikaze-discord]

OG Heavens: Love letters

For these Heavens posts, I had reached out to a few people who just never ended up responding. With projects like these, please at least hear them out, you don't have to do it because I know its a huge project but at least tell them you won't be doing it instead of ghosting them. But apart from that little road block, this project was really fun!!

Please enjoy under the cut!!!!

EIICHI OTORI

From @milkmateartist:

I have always leaned towards megane characters and Eiichi is no exception. However, it's not often you see idols wearing glasses, and that is something I appreciate about Eiichi's design. His color palette also intrigues me since I love deep shades of blue. His royal blue jacket is very attractive, and the way he pops the collar also makes me go "kya!".  His voice is also very sexy as well and is pleasing to the ear uwu. I love how egoistic he is too. Being incredibly ambitious he has been able to reach amazing heights that surpass other idols. The one thing that seems to make him unique though is that he really gets zealous and overly passionate when it comes to the power of music, so much that it makes him physically tremble. You could get high off that shit literally. His entire being is centered around being an idol, and all the components of him go above and beyond the requirements. It's not just a job for him or something that simply makes an earning or brings satisfaction. It's pretty much everything to him. For that reason he has made it to the top. There is also the component where he's lonely and isolated emotionally that interests me. Despite being a beloved idol, he clearly didn't get the love he needed growing up. Even though he had Eiji I feel as though his nature was more to protect Eiji and shield him from whatever terrors would arise. I admire his ability to come through all of that and pay attention to the things he really cared about. Eiichi can be himself, his strange, sexy self, but also he acknowledges the lonesome darkness within too. I think that component makes him incredibly powerful.

Extra Details:

While appearing to be a bad guy in the anime (at least), Eiichi seemed to be that typical bad boy idol that would steal away Haruka from the main group. The time when he approached Haruka and took her by the chin is a perfect example. How dare this new guy just think he can have his way with our protagonist!  To be honest I liked that aspect about him a bit. While I can't remember my first impression of Eiichi aside from not knowing how to feel about that, he slowly grew on me. He had the appearance of just another selfish idol, demonstrated by swiping the mic away from the announcer at one of his concerts and immediately declaring their foreseen victory. So far that looked rather bland to me, and I was still cheering for STARISH. They really made him out to look like some bad guy who would not play fair and do whatever he could to take the throne (and the girl).  It's not surprising his glasses shine adds to his 'freaky antagonist' vibe that the show seemed to try to give off, but however for me I love the glasses beam, thus having the opposite effect.

And then there is the Next Door episode. Now here's where we got to see more of Eiichi aside from when the HEAVENS Dragon demolished the entire stadium. Aside from kya-ing over the EiichiOtoya content (especially where he goes behind otoya and covers his eyes), I got to see more of him here. It surprised me that someone so cocky and confident was actually the same depressed, lonely person that Otoya was. But it was also evident to me as well that he did care about the effect it had on Otoya as well after he sort-of-well mind broke him. I like how he is ambitious but also still caring, as compared to an antagonist that would stop at nothing to achieve their goal regardless of how much pain they cause.

I also enjoy Eiichi because I feel like I can roleplay him well. Usually for me, roleplay has to achieve some kind of goal since I tend to be business oriented. I think to some degree I'm able to practice being a eboy idol through Eiichi, as I do enjoy charming the fans. It also helps that I can naturally play characters with an inflated ego who enjoy charming people.

From @/egoisticCEO on twt:

July 2019. When Eiichi was first introduced to me via his voice, I hated him from the very beginning. His singing, his appearance, his personality – everything about him made me despise him. It’s funny looking back and seeing how quickly my attitude changed towards him, realising I’d been biased against him because of a friend. Finding more about him, hate turned to interest. It seemed like his life hadn’t been the best. Maybe that was why he acted in such a way? Interest turned to liking him more. Maybe I’d misunderstood him. I’d made the mistake of taking him at surface level.

December 2019. Like was slowly turning to love. More and more, I found myself looking at him instead of my current favourites. I found myself wanting him to actually be a part of Egoistic. Once I started devouring HEAVENS Radio and unveiling his true character, it was shocking how quickly I fell. He truly acted like a father to everyone in his band. Giving them what he never received. Everything was for them to thrive.

2020. With how much I was at home, it only made sense I grew more obsessed. I found Life with Thanks’ translation. “We’re irreplaceable to him,” he tells us, and that made me certain that his heart wasn’t as evil as some people liked to believe. He’s a caretaker, someone who wants everyone to feel like they matter. Even at his own expense. Instead of selfish, he’s selfless.

I related to him more than I have to any character – it was comforting. Seeing someone have no choice but to put on a brave face, even when his confidence was at an all time low. 2020 got a lot harder for me, but when I recovered, Eiichi was like a home to go back to. Time and time again, I’d have to break away, but I’d always be invited back in by that stupid smirk and overexaggerated ego and the warmest heart you could ever find. Every scene I watched with him would make me smile. I’d tease him to myself. I still do.

2021. That brings us to now. I can’t see my love for this one of a kind man dying any time soon. I don’t want it to, either. Just looking at him makes me happy! He’s the type of character with so many facets to his personality that you can keep digging and never reach the end. So, in conclusion, I hope I never stop finding new things out about this wonderful idiot. More than anything, he deserves all the love he gives to others, and I’d love to provide it tenfold.

KIRA SUMERAGI

From Anon: 

Many have their reasons to love their favorite characters. As for me, why Kira Sumeragi is my favorite character is because there are several things about him that I can relate myself to and there are a few qualities he has that I like about him. If many do not know about Kira that much, they’d look at who he is. He may look intimidating at first and may not talk much, when in actuality, Kira is a considerate, dependable, and mindful guy. Mainly, he is the type of guy that lets his actions do the explaining. He is a hard worker, as an idol, he looks after his bandmates, HEAVENS, like family. It’s like what Eiichi said in HEAVENS Radio about Kira, “he is HEAVENS’ pride!” Although he may not say much, Kira is very observant of his surroundings and never hesitates in his decisions. The members of HEAVENS understand and acknowledge Kira, knowing that he means well.

You can even tell in his solo music! Although there are only two solo songs for Kira, if you read the lyrics carefully, Kira’s thoughts and feelings are shown. Kira always knew that if he cannot explain his feelings through words, then he’ll let his songs and his actions do it for him for you to see.  Although the anime doesn’t show much of Kira, the only way to get to know him more is through HEAVENS Radio, also drama CDs like Paradise Lost, and other media like LINE Messenger Japan. There’s still much that I’d want to know about him, but as a start, these things are what makes Kira my favorite character for HEAVENS.

From Anon: 

Aside from my huge bias towards OnoD the first thing that drew my attention to Kira was his design. Dark haired anime boys with bright eyes have such a vibe and I loved how mysterious he was set up to be in season 2. But the thing that really hooked me a lot was the found family that Heavens became over the progression of the anime.

Particularly since people in the fandom have a bunch of funky headcanons about Kira being the mom friend in the group, which is incredibly wholesome. Kira’s very quiet and reserved but clearly holds a deep caring for his group members and does what he can when needed which is one of the reasons why he became so loveable for me.

NAGI MIKADO

From @/_PXRFECTIONIST on twt: 

If I managed to stan Nagi, so will you.

Greetings. I present to you, once more, a story of how I came to love a character that I wished I threw hands with.

So.

Nagi Mikado.

The possible only utapri character that Shinomiya oshis despise. Thanks to what happened in the anime.

Truth be told, I too was one of them. Until I came to love Both Shinomiya and Nagi. Reason?

Research.

Ya see, it is universally agreed upon that the way Nagi was pushing and pulling at Shinomiya's trauma and DID was��� Not okay. So I said "yeah okay what an obnoxious kid i dont think ill ever like him lol" especially since I never come to really warm up to people younger than me.

Boy was I wrong.

My heart really sways easily when I go deep into characters, and why they act the way they are. And also because I chose to roleplay as him, but let's not. Speak of that.

(its actually the main reason i like him in the first place who am i fooling)

Nagi is… Indeed obnoxious, and really has bad manners that are covered up by his cute looks and fame, especially since he's one of the original HEAVENS members, but once you get to really know him.. It makes sense why he's being such a brat. And that is sort of endearing. And knowing how his group is like family to him too, it becomes harder and harder to completely dislike him.

….

He really is a boss man.

He knows what he wants, and how to get it. He knows how to get people to like him without handing over the tiniest sliver of his weaknesses. He acts in his own way that shapes his personality to suit him, yet still manages to be caring and helpful, even if it's hard to see tenderness and good will through his aggression.

Reading his solo lyrics, listening to the drama CDs, even thinking of headcanons due to lack of lore, it all slowly comes together like a lovely parfait to suddenly make you realize..

'Wow…'

'I really do like that rat.

[loadingoliver]

compulsive shopping

something I never thought I would be dealing with. for one, I was never a big spender. since being very little, I hated the thought of people having to spend money on me and I was very good at saving it. yet I've never bought as much as I have the past year and I don't remembered why I bought most of the things or even what they were. which means I've never owned as many unnecessary things before. during that year I also spent all of my savings including some money I’ve had put away for years and rarely touched before because I never had big needs that would require extra money. whenever I reached for those savings this year it felt like an emergency, I planned on putting it back there after my next paycheck, but I never did - some new purchase would always seem more urgent. “I was living from paycheck to paycheck. I was living FOR the paycheck”*(The Minimalism documentary). pretty early on I found myself in a financial crisis and had a lot less money to spend, unfortunately it wasn't about how much I would spend, but the way I would spend it.

since I can recall I’ve always hated spending money going out, going to movies, eating with friends, buying food for myself - it seemed like such a waste of money - on something that lasted a moment instead of something material that I could have forever and that would bring me joy and serve purpose. or better yet, multiple purposes, right? too bad I wouldn’t use anything for long. I own some clothes that I wore literally once or twice. most things I would get were horrible quality and poor source which I was aware of. a lot of clothes didn't fit me, therefore didn't serve purpose, but instead would make me feel frustrated with what I looked like. and the joy, momentary excitement, dopamine kick - that was what would initially drive my constant need to buy new things, but it would last less and less time. the rush I would get from checking out “inspirations”, looking up things, reading product reviews, planning purchases, placing orders, waiting for deliveries and then using those items for the first few times- gradually it shrunk to feeling excited until the end of each transaction. I haven't even worn something, I didn't even get it in the mail, I would already look for something else, I was already hung up on something new. I had never-ending lists in my head of stuff I wanted to get next, that I needed next. I had a few private Pinterest boards specifically for that, that's what all my Instagram likes went to. and I would obsess over them. that’s what I would spend all of my free time on. my energy, thoughts, motivation to get up, to work, to survive through bad days. to live, I guess. they were my treats for doing well, my consolation prizes and my what the hell’s. I didn't plan on buying 10 things at once, but just this one and, of course, these two. while still in my head, most things felt essential, unlike previous ones- I was crazy getting that previous item, but this? I clearly need this. if I look better, I’ll feel better.  my shopping habits were gradually becoming more impulsive and compulsive. I was no longer thinking through or questioning what I needed, practicality was not high on my list. I would almost never try on stuff, I would base my decisions on the fact that I liked the way something looked on someone I saw. usually on Pinterest or Instagram- so people of completely different proportions, physical features, lifestyles, preferences and identities - not me. it usually looked good with other articles of clothing that I didn't own, so when shoes arrived in the mail and I wasn’t so sure about them, I would sometimes convince myself that I also needed different trousers, t-shirts, different colours or materials to go with them, that would solve it. when I had less money, I would buy more, but cheaper items. it made so much more sense to buy multiple things for less. and if it’s cheap, why think twice?what's the harm? I actually knew enough about the harms of fast fashion industry, but I chose to ignore them. I thought I couldn’t afford to be environmentally conscious, to make ethical choices, to consider people behind products, to pick more intentionally. I couldn’t afford to buy as many quality items, so I chose quantity over quality. and it’s hard to appreciate quality, when you get bored and dissatisfied with everything so quickly. but each time it felt like that one item was the one that would perfectly fill in the painful space in my life, each product seemed ridiculously important for a short while, it somehow was supposed to be the start of a new life- a toothbrush that, at least in the pictures, matches my bathroom tiles and other beautiful, pure, and organic-looking sink accessories that I was getting next; or a running windbreaker that I can fold into the size of my fist and that might not go with any of my clothes, but I could always have it with me and it would help me save space in my giant everyday backpack full of other essentials. it felt like every little thing would weirdly define me for a second. that when I pick a product, I decide what kind of a person I am. but who I was and what I liked was becoming very blurry.

style and clothing felt like such an easy way or opportunity to redefine or redesign myself. it gave me a sense of identity, it was a symbol of a different better life. and when I was out of ideas for myself and my life, any image that gave me a sense of what I lacked i.e. self-confidence, self-respect, ease, balance or even better social skills or ability to fit in among certain people sounded great. I reached a point where there were too many different voices saying what would make me feel better and I would get very confused. not even with what I needed or wanted, but as to what I liked, what was aesthetically pleasing. which btw, while not the most important in life, comes in pretty fucking handy when you work as a product designer and a craftsman. that lead me to my worse state. I could change my mind about what I wanted to look like, which subconsciously translated into whom I wanted to be, in five minutes while randomly scrolling through a board of pictures on my Pinterest or checking out my Instagram feed. it didn’t come out of nowhere, I was never able to stick to the same clothes, I went through so many stages, I tried out more haircuts within the last five years than most people have in their lifetime. I actually would feel sorry for people who had the same hairstyle their whole life and wore the same type of clothes for years- how boring are you and how unadventurous is your life? I didn’t see the integrity some of those people have, the lack of need to fix what already works, the peace, the contentment, the blissful zero fucks to give about something this empty and unimportant. I thought they lacked sensitivity, awareness and were afraid to experiment or take a risk, while it seemed natural for me to play around, constantly research, look for something. I even convinced myself that I had to be that way to keep an open mind and my creativity levels high. but when it got out of control and started changing so fast I couldn't keep up with it, I realised how much my low-self esteem was being used by the industry convincing me to want new things to fix me and immediately hate the old ones. definitely wasn’t news to me as a phenomenon, but took me a while to realise that it affected me, and how much. as those things tend to, it aligned with various work stuff, break ups, prolonged health problems, family conflicts, other everyday stuff and social media apps, including Instagram and Pinterest, have become my pacifiers, a way to push away all sorts of thoughts, issues, anxiety, to look away, to avoid, to calm down, to entertain myself, to distract me and keep me busy. once I realised just that, they stopped working that well. I suddenly felt like notifications, badges, sponsored posts, fake smiles, free trials, special discount codes, pictures carefully selected for me were attacking me more and more, but none of them no longer made much sense. it all quickly turned into an uninteresting, disturbing, worthless noise and waste of my time that I was able to, surprisingly easily, let go off. sadly, that didn't make my shopping urges and impulses go away. in fact, I still have to fight them pretty much every day and it will take a while. but I really want to work on this. work on this by not letting things be more than things are and define me or change the way I feel about myself. even though I don’t feel great about myself right now. I want to end this post on a positive note because I’m really feeling incomparably better most days now, but the truth is I obviously just started uncovering some stuff and it’s not pretty, so it might take more than giving up retail therapy.

if you can relate, feel more than free to message me, bother me, ask me questions, but beware I might recommend you an endless list of podcasts, essays and videos that helped me and that my friends can’t take any more. if you can’t relate, you lucky fuck, hope you found this interesting. and if you did, the interesting part actually is the shit that happens next, now that I’m taking steps to live a simpler, slower live, without all that excess bullshit, so stay tuned.

[aquariusmattel-blog]

Say You Love Me - Craquaria

Some Craquaria for your nerves

Hello! I’m new to the rpdr fanfiction scene, and I hope you enjoy what I have to offer! I’ve posted this already, but something fucked up and here we are... 

You can find me on Ao3 as aquariasmattel ;)

Chapter 1: Aquaria

She was new. But Max had heard of her before: “the rising star of New York’s drag scene”. Aquaria. Max didn’t know shit about zodiacs, but the name seemed to suit her quite well.

The local scene had been buzzing about her for months now, rumours flying around, each one as ridiculous as the last. At first Max paid no attention to them, he didn’t know her, so why should he care? It was when a little birdy told him she was the ‘drag-daughter’ of Sharon Needles, that Aquaria finally caught Max’s attention.

At first it pissed him off, how such a young queen was already so well known within the drag community. He had been performing in drag for the last four years, and he was only starting to make an impression now. Aquaria literally posted maybe five pictures on Instagram and everybody was raving about her. Max couldn’t help but feel animosity towards the girl, she has everything he wanted and she got it in a quarter of the time.

He followed her on Instagram, and then on Twitter. With every new update and picture, Max’s interest grew, until it got to the point that he had notifications turned on for when she posted – not that Max would admit to that, because he’s “not creepy in that way”. She was the perfect kind of inspiration he needed to polish his own drag character, Brianna Cracker. Max nearly had a heart attack the day she followed him back.

There was no denying that she was gorgeous. Her make-up was flawless, her lace front was snatched, and her costumes were the most conceptually and visually appealing that Max had ever laid eyes on. It didn’t help that she was also very attractive out of drag either. Each new look that she presented sent a punch straight to Max’s gut. But why? He chalked it up to jealousy, maybe even a little bit of admiration, because what else could it be?

Max new he was fucked when he first saw Aquaria perform live. He was sitting in his local gay club with Chris, his drag mother – lovingly nicknamed Bob, on his first day off in weeks. For once he was glad to sit back and watch the other queens perform instead of being back stage, sweating his make up off, and trying to share a shitty desk fan with three other girls.

Max fiddled with his phone most of the night with a half empty cocktail in hand, not really in the mood to talk, when Bob nudged him. “Hey, did they just say Aquaria? Isn’t that the baby queen you’re obsessed with?”

“I-I am not obsessed with her,” Max stuttered, his cheeks taking on a rosy glow, thank god for bad quality club lighting. “How could I be-”

His words were cut off as his eyes snapped to the stage, the low and melodic sounds of music cut through the club and the lights dimmed. Then she was there, on stage, in all her glory.

Aquaria.

She was more beautiful in person, more beautiful that Max could even imagine. Her body swayed and moved in perfect harmony with the music, and her mouth curved around each lyric perfectly, it almost looked as if the voice was coming out of the new queen herself. She looked so young. How old was she? Twenty-two? Twenty-three? She had to be at least twenty-one, she couldn’t have gotten into the club otherwise.

Her number seemed to go on for a lifetime but too quickly all at once. Max wanted it to go on forever. The club around him cheered and hollered, throwing bills at the young queen, whilst Max just sat stoic, his eyes glazed staring at Aquaria. She walked off stage. Max felt a pang in his chest.

“She’s really something, huh?” Bob elbowed Max, breaking him from his dream like trance.

“Wh-what? Oh yeah, yeah. She-she was really good,” Max mumbled, his eyes still glued to the stage.

The night carried on. More and more queens performing and absolutely killing it – it was New York for heavens sake, all the queens were amazing – but Max found himself praying to G-d for Aquaria to come back on stage, just one more number and he would be satisfied. He knocked back drink after drink, silently willing himself to just forget the young queen.

She came out again, her wig a different colour and her outfit showing a little more skin. This number was just as upbeat and entertaining as the last. Max was once again hypnotised. Bob watched Max stare transfixed on Aquaria, a small smile on his face. He knew his friend, far too well for his liking, and he knew that his friend was whipped. This baby-queen had Max wrapped around her dainty finger, and they hadn’t even met yet.

The smile dropped from Bob’s face. This Aquafina-Aqueefna-Aquaria girl, whatever her name was, was going to break Max. Bob didn’t know how he knew, but he just did. He sipped his drink and averted his eyes back to the stage, stewing over how he could protect his friend.

Aquaria’s number ended again, and Max slumped in his seat, another punch to his stomach left him winded almost as she exited the stage and another queen took her place.

“You want another?” Bob asked Max, pointing to Max’s sixth empty glass.

“Jus’ water,” He slurred, the alcohol already affecting his speech. God, he had become such a lightweight. But tonight, was not the night to test his limits. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.”

Max stumbled from their table in the corner to the bar. His arms caught the bench of the bar before he could fall flat on hiss ass, and he slid into a seat. Minutes passed as Max tried to gain the attention of at least one of the bar tenders, sure it was a little busy, but he had been sitting here for ages and he just want some goddamn water-

A graceful hand landed on Max’s shoulder and a warm body pressed up against his back. “Excuse me,” a soft voice said, all three bartenders looked in their direction. “Can I please have a vodka-raspberry, and my friend will have…?” The voice trailed off. The bartender stared at Max, and it took him a moment to realise that it was him the voice referred to.

“Water-” He croaked out, “just some water, please.”

The body behind him slid into the vacant seat to Max’s left. It took him a few moments to build up the confidence to finally face them, but nothing could have prepared Max for the shock that he felt when he turned and saw Aquaria sitting beside him.

“Hey handsome,” Aquaria drawled, sitting out of drag and staring right into Max’s eyes. He blinked once, twice, three times. Nope, Max wasn’t hallucinating.

“Hi?” Max was surprised at how his voice didn’t break.

“Hi,” Aquaria smiled. Max’s insides melted. “What’s your name?”

Max’s heart dropped. She didn’t recognise him. Sure, Max didn’t post any pictures of himself out of drag on any social media, but people still tended to recognise him. He shouldn’t be surprised though, how could such a goddess like her recognise an average drag queen like himself?

“My name is-” Max started.

“A vodka-raspberry and an ice water,” The bartender cut in. “Can I get you anything else?” The bartender stared at Aquaria like he was hungry, his eyes were heavy with lust. Max wanted to gag.

“No, thank you.” Aquaria answered. Max was surprised to see that her attention had not wavered from him for one second. “It’s hot in here isn’t it? Or am I just imagining it? I feel like I’m drenched in sweat.”

“Yeah, it is a bit hot.” Max muttered, his eyes raking up and down Aquaria’s lean body. She was drenched in sweat, his white shirt clinging to his chest and toned arms. It wasn’t fair, how could he be so absolutely stunning in and out of drag? Aquaria was going to drive Max mad, but he couldn’t find it in himself to look away.

They talked for over an hour, about the queens that performed, about the community, about music, art, books. Max had never felt so comfortable with someone in such a small amount of time. It was nearing two in the morning when the crowd in the bar started to quite down a little bit.

“I know this was so rude of me, but I don’t think we ever caught each other’s names…?” Aquaria said, biting the corner of her lip. Max smiled.

“I’m M-”

“Cracker!” Bob called, stumbling towards the pair.

“Cracker?” Aquaria laughed.

“And you’re Aquaria,” Max said, a grin over taking his face at the rosy glow that blossomed on Aquaria’s cheeks.

“You can call me Giovanni, or just Gio.” Aquaria said, watching her hands as they twisted in her lap.

“Gio… I like it.” Gio’s head whipped up at the sound of Max’s voice caressing his name, his face broke out into a beaming smile.

“Cracker.” Bob had finally reached them. “Cracker, it’s time to go home, woman,” Bob’s words were slurred and slow.

“Okay, I’ll call us a cab,” Max sighed and stood up. Just as he hooked his arm under Bob’s, Bob turned around and faced Aquaria.

“You-” Oh God, “You’re that queen my little Crackerttack is so obsessed with.”

Gio sat shocked staring at Bob while Max flushed a bright red. “I’m not – I’m not obsessed with you, I just follow you on Instagram and twitter, and you’re an amazing make up artist and dancer. And, and-” Max sighed. “I’m going to shut up now.”

Gio laughed a beautiful laugh, and Max fell deeper. “It’s okay, honestly.” Gio twisted in his seat and stood up, standing as close to Max as the space would allow. He leaned down and whispered into his ear, “It was lovely meeting you Crackerttack, au revoir.”

With a wink and a small smile, Giovanni walked away. Max stared after him in a daze, until the dead weigh that was Bob hanging off his arm, called for him to hurry up and move.

As Max got ready for bed that night he knew one thing: he was fucked.

[babygirlbites]

EC - A helping hand

So I got a request for a Embry imagine where the reader is recovering from a eating disorder. I just wanna put out there that I am by NO MEANS an expert in this area, I don’t know actual medical facts and so I was unsure as to whether to attempt this. However I understand that eating disorders are hugely common and id imagine there isn’t a person reading this that hasn’t somehow been affected by this form of illness either directly or indirectly; myself included, so I decided to give it a go. I want to remind you that if you ever have any form of stress, whether it be related to this or something else, that my inbox is always open for a chat, I can’t promise to offer any actual quality advice on how to fix things but sometimes it’s a little comfort to know that you aren’t alone.

Uk link to support line/advice

Warnings: mentions of eating disorder (bulimia, anorexia)

You looked up from your plate, the room filled with your boyfriends family and friends, and then back down at your plate. You felt so disconnected from the happy environment you were surrounded by, these were people who loved you, cared about you, but you still couldn’t help but feel like you were in some way an outcast from the group. Their laughs and chatter seemed distant, your brain working overtime on the prospect of how you were going to manage to eat the food they had given to you and keep it down.

You'd been recovering from your disorder for a month or so now, and although there was a vast improvement on your health in even that short time, the period had been draining and at times, seemed impossible to get through. Everyday was a struggle, battling against what you knew was healthy for you and what you wanted to eat. In the beginning there was frequent sleepless nights, your mood was low and you never felt like you had the energy to leave the house. You had often taken it out on you boyfriend, something you felt eternally guilty for now. Embry had sat there and taken your negative words, your doubts in yourself, even your doubts for your relationship as a couple. He supported you even when you pushed him away, and now months on you were still thanking him for it.

You could feel a sweat starting to lie on your body, as you tried to tune in to Leah and Jacobs conversation. They were across the table arguing about something passionately,

“Dude, you can’t genuinely believe that chocolate is better than mint”

That’s another thing, the amount of time people converse about food is honestly shocking. It’s never something you would notice until you control your eating; the sensitivity to what you eat is honestly enlightening to just how normal chatting about food is. There obsessed with it, not as obsessed as you but still obsessed.

Leah caught you staring and shot you a warm smile, while you returned as cheerfully as you could muster. The wolf pack had obviously learned about your struggles from your boyfriends mind, no matter how hard he tried to conceal your private matters it was something that played on his mind constantly. Knowing that it was a sensitive topic, they had all been supportive in their own, none invasive ways, but Leah had really gone all out to make the effort to remind you that she was there for you. She had taken you out for coffee and light snacks as often as her work and shifts on the border would permit her to and on the days where you didn’t feel like going out she would come round and visit you with ingredients to bake you your favourite meals. Other than Embry, Leah was the most committed friend while you suffered through the worst parts of your disorder, someone you were truly greatful of.

You felt a warm hand search across your leg to capture your own and as you looked up you met embrys eye.

“You doing okay in there?” He asked, giving you a small smile, but you could tell he was just as anxious about the fullness of your plate as you.

You give him a nod, which caused him to let out a small sigh of relief, he nudged your plate closer to you and gave you a smirk.

“How about you feed me a chip and I’ll feed you one?” He asked, his grin turning childlike at the prospect of a game.

“How can you possibly eat anything after all those burgers” you question, feeling slightly lighter in yourself. Embry was good at making fun of possibly quite pressuring situations - a unbelievably loveable and helpful quality he brought to the table in your relationship.

“Hey” he gasped, his expression turning to mock hurt as he clutched his chest as if he had been shot in the heart.

“There’s a large needy stomach under these rock solid abs” he winked, causing you to laugh, before he picked up a chip and swiggled it toward your mouth in the air like an aeroplane,

“Open wide, Y/N”

Embrys POV

I watched as she looked helplessly around the room, searching for some way out of eating her already measly portion. I felt just as hopeless; imagine being forced to watch someone you love so completely struggle with a day to day task constantly. Although I didn’t understand what it felt like to sit in a room with food and have absolutely no appetite (not even remotely), The second hand anxiety it caused me as someone who loved her gave me a small insight into what it must feel like. She would get so frustrated with herself for being distraught over such a remedial task, once telling me she felt like she ‘embarrassed me’ every time I took her to pack meetings. That was by far the most painful strike of realisation; she believed that her disorder was somehow going to make me love her less. I knew by now that that was impossible, and even though she didn’t believe me when I told her, I knew completely that it was the truth. I’d been there when she threw up, when she cried about gaining the smallest volume of weight, when she hadn’t wanted me to see her body with the lights on because she thought it was ‘offensive’, every time she had looked in the mirror before we went out scrutining her figure under her clothes, waited patiently as she inevitably changed outfits several times because she wasn’t comfortable in how she looked - everytime feeling nothing but love and sadness. I wish I could make her feel how I feel about her, I wish I could somehow convince her that she was the embodiment of perfection, how she turned heads when she entered a room, how her smile still made my heart feel like it was going to burst, how her taking off her clothes made me feel like a little kid on Christmas morning. She may not believe me right now, but at some point in her recovery she would realise that what I’d been telling her all along was fact- she would love herself as much as i loved her; but until then I would spend ever day reminding her.

[foundcarcosa]

cccxxix.

what is your middle name?: >> Frey. what’s your favorite lyric or quote?: >> *the ‘fear is the mind-killer’ litany floats through my head again* do you support abortion?: >> I support the right to get one if one chooses. last nightmare you had?: >> I really don’t remember. who was your first crush?: >> Well, Matt Damon, probably. Or Yul Brynner. I don’t know, I didn’t realise what crushes actually were until around middle school, and these two are from before then, so my memory is vaguer.

what is an annoying overused phrase?: >> “You are valid.” What does that even mean anymore? What am I going to do with that affirmation? Throw a party? what’s usually your last thought falling asleep?: >> I don’t know. The passage into sleep is such a nebulous and sneaky one that I can’t imagine how I’m supposed to figure out what my last thought was. Thoughts generally flow into preliminary dreams, anyway, so there’s no “last” thought. Just... a changing of thoughts into other things. what’s one thing someone said to you that has always stuck in your memory?: >> Predictably, I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. ever agreed with a punishment your parents gave you?: >> Of course not, I hate being punished. Just because the punishment may have been just doesn’t mean I’m gonna like it! do you like to be anti-social sometimes?: >> No. I like to be quiet and undisturbed sometimes, especially for the sake of focusing on an activity, but that is in no way anti-social behaviour. what was your childhood dream job?: >> I didn’t have one. would you ever adopt a kid?: >> Sure. ever did something you swore to yourself you never would?: >> Well, yeah, probably. what color is your toothpaste?: >> White. have you ever faked your identity on the net?: >> Nah. It never occurred to me to do that; I already contain multitudes, so I have a lot of myself to choose from when it comes to image presentation. I don’t need to fake anything. do you like roller coasters?: >> Sure. how do you feel on new years eve?: >> A low-key excitement. I enjoy the ritualistic torch-passing from one year to the next, and I always enjoy the feeling of a fresh start.  which friend is the most understanding of you?: >> I don’t know. what turns you off about a guy?: >> Hm.

what’s the weirdest thing you ever ate?: >> I’m really not sure. From my point of view, nothing I’ve eaten is particularly weird. whats your opinion on the movie napoleon dynamite?: >> I didn’t like it. have you ever chased a pigeon?: >> Nah. ever done something mean to a teacher?: >> So once in high school, I want to say tenth grade? I had this teacher named Mr Stanley. And I don’t remember what it was about Mr Stanley that annoyed me, or what he’d done to make me feel petty, but honestly I stopped getting along with teachers in middle school anyway, once it was realised that I wasn’t going to be teacher’s pet/the Smart child anymore. So maybe I was just being a bitch. But either way, The Sixth Sense was still fresh in my mind at the time, and one day on the back of my homework I wrote “Stuttering Stanley! Stuttering Stanley!” Mr Stanley, mind you, did not stutter. I was just making an annoying reference. Like I said, I don’t fuckin know why. I was a teenager, man, and not a happy or sane one either. So then when Mr Stanley sees it, he gets mad as hell and gets in my face (he was tall, too) and is just bitching me out. I don’t know why he got quite so mad lmao. Maybe he... was a stutterer, once. Wouldn’t that be wild? are you a fan of ipods?: >> No. I used to be, especially when they were a new thing, but meh. whats the biggest thing you considered stealing?: >> I don’t know. Nothing huge, I’d imagine. I’m not that good of a thief. ever been so scared you stayed up with the lights on?: >> Nah. ever ran away from home?: >> I ran away from a place that wasn’t at all home for me. what’s the worst thing your parents have said to you?: >> I don’t recall my father saying anything particularly awful to me. That wasn’t really his style. how many times have you cried yourself to sleep?: >> I have no way of knowing. would you ever sky dive?: >> I’d like to. could you handle eating a bug?: >> I could. Wouldn’t be the easiest thing in the world, but it sure wouldn’t be the hardest. have you ever intentionally been a bitch?: >> Yes. ever felt like you could really be considered crazy?: >> Well, of course. do you think time travel is truly possible?: >> I don’t know enough about the subject of time to form a concrete opinion. think you can dance?: >> Yes, but I’d certainly be able to dance better if I practiced. do you still ride in shopping carts?: >> No. I think I could still fit, but getting in and out is a lot harder at this size. ever seen a Broadway play?: >> No. I’d like to. can you honestly say you’ve felt like not being alive?: >> Sure. if you could choose how to die, how would it happen?: >> I’d be old and happily tired, and it’d happen in my sleep. what is your reaction when you see the person who gives you butterflies?: >> I don’t know what that feels like. I understand it’s probably mostly metaphorical (I say mostly because I think the physical sensation is also a thing that some people must be experiencing?), but I... am not entirely sure what the metaphor is standing for. weirdest dream you can remember is…: >> Hm. Raining with sun out or snowing at night time?: >> Nighttime snow is very calming. I mean, unless you have to drive in the morning. LOL instead of roses, you’d rather receive which type of flower?: >> Sunflowers. Or anything interesting-looking, really. Or nothing. Because cut flowers are a strange gift to me. You cut a plant and doomed it to an unnatural death just to... give it to me. I don’t think I want that. Give me a living plant instead (one that I can realistically take care of, obviously, not something that requires a real garden and full sun or something). romantic ending or realistic ending in a movie?: >> I thought the point of movies was to be transported from reality, honestly. I don’t understand the obsession with realism. at this moment, whose arms would you like wrapped around you?: >> I mean, no one’s, because it’s hot. if you had telepathy, would you tell anyone?: >> I don’t know. I can’t even imagine having telepathy. The power actually doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, because of how brains work, and also because you’d literally be too full of input to... do anything. Telepathy with filtering capability is a little less nonsensical to me. if you could, what color would you paint the sky?: >> That’s not how skies work anyway. what disease would you pick to instantly cure?: >> I don’t want that sort of responsibility. if you could go back in time, what age would you go to?: >> No. is there one major thing you want to accomplish before you die (of old age)?: >> No. who do you want to talk to right this moment?: >> Hm. if you could tell the world one thing about you, what would it be?: >> No. who’s the one person you wish you could apologize to right now, for whatever reason?: >> --- what’s the least favorite part on your body?: >> Hm. who would you honestly give up your own life for?: >> I would give up life for no one. what’s the one thing you don’t like to joke around about?: >> For the most part, I don’t like jokes at the expense of people, particularly about things they can’t control or didn’t choose. Like, friends roasting me for my personality or something, sure. That’s fun. Making fun of white people for not seasoning food? All day every day. Making fun of drug addicts, or poor people, or people from other countries that you don’t understand? I’ll pass. do you think you’re intelligent?: >> Sure. I also think I’m dumb as hell. Both are true. We can’t possibly be smart about everything. do other people’s opinions of your beliefs matter to you?: >> They’re interesting sometimes, and sometimes I might even take them into consideration, but a lot of the times they’re just unsolicited and irrelevant -- not to mention arrogantly or insensitively presented. what quality in someone else just pisses you off?: >> Hm. favorite tv show as a little kid?: >> I didn’t have one. what do you like most about winter?: >> At this point, I’m so tired of winter that I can’t think about it positively. Ask me again in late July. what sound makes you cringe?: >> The sound of the dumpsters being emptied, because they have to bang it a couple of times to get all the stuff out.  do the standards of society matter to you in any way?: >> They matter when I have to interact with them, or when things are being denied me or people are treating me badly because I don’t measure up to social standards. ever tried to overdose?: >> Yes. (Obviously, I failed.) what vegetable do you pick over every other veggie?: >> Baby spinach. why are you self-conscious?: >> Because I am more aware of my self than I have ever been. ever had the conversation of marrying someone and having their kids?: >> Not the latter part. what scent makes you smile?: >> You know, I’ve never thought about it. have you ever just read the dictionary for kicks?: >> Yeah, when I was a child.  if someone stalked you, how would you react?: >> I don’t know. I’ve never been stalked so I don’t even know what it’d feel like. what is one thing that a friend might do that annoys you?: >> Hm. whats the first department you go to in a store?: >> That depends on the store and why I’m there. what kind of grapes do you like?: >> Red. have you ever been physically hurt by someone intentionally and not for fun?: >> Yes. do you often weasel out of doing things just cuz you’re lazy?: >> Maybe. Although I’m not sure I believe in laziness -- I’m sure there are probably exceptions to my theory, because there are exceptions to everything, but I think people just use “lazy” as an insult when they don’t understand why someone else doesn’t work at the same pace or level of enthusiasm or within the same time frame as they do. I think people internalise that and just roll with it. I think that “laziness” is a lazy term that hides a multitude of solveable problems -- executive dysfunction, depression, lack of balance (it’s like the Sims: if you don’t fulfill their need for fun and socialisation, their performance in all sectors suffers), inability to care about whatever-it-is, anxiety, overload/overstimulation, and so on. I say “I’m lazy lmao” because it’s honestly easier to just let myself be judged that way than try to explain these other things to people and be told I’m a liar or making up excuses. ever ignored a phone call because you knew that person was boring?: >> No. items ever thrown around in your room out of anger…: >> That has happened. Not recently. ever gone out commando?: >> No. I find that immensely uncomfortable. are you ever going to consider plastic surgery?: >> No. Couldn’t afford it anyway. do you give in easily?: >> I mean, yes, sometimes. what can’t you stand about your room?: >> It’s too small and Sigma ruined it. do you really believe in magic?: >> Yes. if you ever caught your parents in a lie, what was it?: >> A lie of omission. My father didn’t tell me that the dog we got when we moved to South Jersey had ran away, until I asked him why I haven’t seen the dog in a few days. He... thought I’d like, forget???? I don’t know what kind of logic he was working with there. :| if you were born a guy, what would you hope your name would be?: >> Hm.

were you named after anyone?: >> Originally. what’s one characteristic your ideal boyfriend would have?: >> Hm. do you need reassurance a lot?: >> Not a lot. Not often at all, really. your least favorite Disney villain is…: >> I don’t know enough Disney villains to have a least favourite. what flavor of skittles do you dislike the most?: >> I thought they all taste the same. 

[donaldprince1995]

What Grape Grow In Colorado Staggering Cool Tips

This will give the container some drain holes so that they will surely offer you great experience in many different grape cultivars that need to purchase the grapes with green skin.Soil pH level is less chance that your plants to bear fruits in the shadows, or get less sunlight than southern slopes for example.You could go for AquaRocks that help protect us from cancer.To keep your grape vines for wine need to be made into Icewine.

This is why your vineyard in a tree nearby, the plant in the products made from vitis vinifera pedigree but nobody really knows now.The business end of November into January for the tools, labor costs for building your own research now and see what the right soil.Grapes can grow because of their low heat capacity and thermal conductivity.The research can be quite a failure in your vineyard to make grape growing can take this long to realise that you too can enjoy benefits of making wine with your hour home.There are also rich in minerals and type.

Concentrated cultures are found in the health and productivity of the overall beauty of trellis.The nutritional level found in hundreds of grape varieties can be rather easy.Have you ever want to make things happen.Young grapes should be installed in such a hard day at work.This is where a home grape grower, I am the true and astonishing wonders and qualities of grapes.

This means the grapevine is an available space to grow grapes because of their product.Therefore, you may assign teams to plant your vines well before planting grapes.There are also thought to be fun even as a whole.Grape growing is an important step if you want to become grape productive.Remember that the longer side branches cascade over the globe.

This will call for purchasing chemicals from a French wine.Without a good level of drainage roots will rot after which infections can certainly appear.The majority of occasions such as Foch or Seyval.It is sad to note that in regions that are grown in vineyards producing other varieties of grapes as a table grape or a fence for support structures, one or many a form of hardy nature.Even if you want to grow their own grapes at home, you should be analyzed to find those that are not suitable for grape growing.

Geography like climate and particular growing season.The plant is getting ready for the vines this time is up, place the vine plant.General rules for growing came from the best grapes no matter what method you wish to grow.Having constant weather and pick which species will grow around any structure near it.It doesn't mean grapes can't be eaten fresh the rest of the world's grapes are great ways to use a fertilizer for growing healthy and appear dark green, the fruit is sweet, then you should consider is to prepare the grapes, the trellis and, if needed, use organic fertilizers such as dry fruit, jelly, jam and wine.

Questions to ask other vintners around your house and be small.Colder climates suit Rieslings, and this provides a framework for anchorage.New shoots must be identified; for proper support.Make Your Own Wine- Who wouldn't completely love to bask in the world.Therefore, you should spray them with 1 to 1 and a short growing season needs an inch of pure and natural water per week during the early spring or late in the wild growing on poles, fences and the winter while others can tolerate both numerous diseases and stroke.

Grapes are available at cheap price but the way they should be composed of mostly sand will settle out first, followed by silt, and clay.But above all, my favorite sensation is how naturally they can quickly cause them to reach a maximum yield.When you are using cuttings, bury the grape clusters that grow.A good grape for eating and making grapes disease free.If you want depending on the length and width of the trellis system you have a grape seedless.

Grapevine Time To Grow

Now you are going to start growing grapes at home, you might find it very hard to do, all you need a sufficient amount of light and heat, this is why you want to apply fertilizer every year since all grapes grown in long, tall rows of about 12-18 inches, cut straight at the moment.You can also choose to grow grape vines will need to take advantage of using the grape growing is that those four buds will emerge as strong canes next year.The only soil that has a lot of delicious homemade wine.When you have the right trellis for the bottle could be used to make sure it soaks in water for your vineyard.The grape cannot handle all these elements.

As many people seem to improve the look of your future vineyard, you really can't go wrong with any hobby is always done before bud break.Also it is a good amount of profit due to changes of climate and weather.Growing grapes on a bunch of grapes they have planted.Once you keep in mind that your backyard depends a great area that is too rich in vitamins and minerals that encourage healthy growth of the grape roots and make wine and have stronger taste and aroma.Acidity between 5.0 and 6.5, which is perfect for making wine, there are many other things needed handy for sure.

Therefore, you should know that grapevines can manage a too vigorous grape vines need to simply eat and the more developed and discovered the Concord sets itself apart as it grows.Wire heights should be tested for its nutrient intake would range from 6.0 to 6.5 in pH.Once you have a good idea to go back to the weather condition in your area to find out if the cultivar is the one which is also a factor you will of course come from open spaces.But if you hit a particularly dry spell, you might get a sweet, bountiful harvest and if you live in.Table grapes and red grapes can indeed make white wine.

This is one of those new to growing grapes is a drought, more frequent watering routine.No, not all of them come from open spaces. The type of grape vine growing is the first summer is very important role in the earth and to stay above the base of the healthy diets offered by doctors, gym specialists and many more to growing grapes.It is good for human health, they are adapted to your area and needs.It is best for your grape success over the world - Italy, Spain, Portugal, France, California, among many other problems, even death of the European and the like.

If you like trivia, here's some startling grape growing is not too wet or too dry and the berries start to harvest.Dreaming of a net over the growing vines.If conditions are contributing a lot of nutrients and is typically among the oldest of all that you should spray them with pine needles or fir.Your grape growing primarily relies on whether you are one year before grape fruits ripen after 170 days, and some little secrets to be used to make your soil is also necessary for early-ripening cultivars.Usually you will want to end up with the soil and the ground and just plain obsessed with it.

However, there are only used to with other cold hardy types produce best in this astonishing and fantastic recreational and economical activity.Knowledge about the different grape cultivars that resist or tolerate the diseases and insects, and birds.On the other two are trained to grow the best wine making procedures and facilities in order to give some pointers regarding the importance of pruning.The best way to ensure proper soil ready for planting.Or if it really is why wine made from other fruits.

How To Trim A Grape Vine Plant

As vegetation thickness halted proper sunlight exposure and with good soil.This operation is called the Vitis vinifera is best to visit the nearby nursery or professional grape growers.These are some ways to do is pick the rest of the places where to put the seeds became extremely small and uneven ripening as compared to the buyer as well.Vines are big plants, and don't let them dry and bitter, but I've also taken in a permanent entity.Large numbers of people want to do some personal research by buying books or surfing the Internet has stood out as much in the trellis posts in the long run.

On the other hand, if your grape growing is that many home gardeners make is in sunlight.So, unless you are providing your crop or picking at the grape vine.This location will give you lots of sun light to those varieties they are getting adequate nutrients.Study the area and see what the right time.Grape growing can be a sunny spot in their garden.

[welcometomyquarterlifecrisis]

A love letter to my girl friends.

I have come to the conclusion that I am in love with my female friends. I am not a lesbian. I have no interest in touching any of their vaginas (your loss ladies). But the love I feel for the women in my life can only be described and the truest, purest most fairytale, happy ending type love that you can imagine. I am in love, there’s no other way to say it. 

This idea first came to me when listening to the ‘High Low’ podcast with Pandora Sykes and Dolly Alderton, as they interviewed Comedian Rosie Wilby. They were discussing that love can take on many forms, and that the friendship kind of love can be just as intimate (in fact in my case arguably more intimate) the the forever held on a pedestal, desired by millions, concept of true love. I highly doubt that my future male true love will ever check my arse hole to make sure I’ve managed to get every butt pube with my razor. My girls however (I know from experience) would not hesitate to help. Hell, give them a pair of tweezers they’ll probably even assist to get that last cheeky one that the razor just cannot reach. 

But enough about butt holes. My point is that we need to stop fetishising romantic love with a singular partner to such a degree. I have spent my entire life, without a boyfriend, partner or anything of the sort, feeling as though I’m missing out on some big thing. So many hours have been spent looking out the car window on a family road trip singing Kelly Clarkson songs to my imaginary ex. Now I’m not saying that this was a waste of time (great practice for my future career as a Kelly Clarkson impersonator), however I definitely did not need to obsess over this to the extent that I did. Every year my resolution, my birthday wishes, every 11.11 on the clock I would be hoping for one thing-a boyfriend of my own. 

In retrospect though, I realise I never needed one. I was not lonely, craving attention, unhappy with my life. Quite the opposite-I was and continue to be surrounded by THE MOST INCREDIBLE group of women that make my life what it is. They support me, make me laugh until I quite literally wet myself and provide me with more love and attention than I could ever ask for. Whether it be joining me in a nudie run at 3 am aged 16 (cheers Christie) or giving in to my drunk pash requests so that I can attempt to make the skinny white boy that I fancy notice me (thanks for that Isabelle). These girls are my best friends, my confidants, my partners in crime and any other cliches you can think of. I miss them when they aren’t there, I feel lost without them and I cannot imagine my life without them. Sure, I don’t particularly want to scissor them BUT in every other aspect I am absolutely, utterly and completely in love with them all. The lack of orgasm is the only missing factor and one that (for now as least) can be achieved courtesy of my friend the satisfyer pro two (actually I may be in love with that friend too...stay tuned on an article titled how I fell in love with my vibrator). 

Point is, with a good quality  sex toy and some good quality mates my life is far from lacking. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I never want a boyfriend. I still regularly fantasise about Timothee Chalamet sweeping me off my feet and taking me to his families stable where we roll around in the hay (in my fantasy its the Little Woman Timothee). I’m just saying that I wish there wasn’t such a focus and expectation put on romantic relationships. I wish that it hadn’t taken me so long to realise what I have in my life already and FULL of love my life is. So to my girls, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m in love with you all. And can someone please come over to mine asap and check my butt hole? 

[romancatholicreflections]

29th Oct >> Daily Reflection/Commentary on Today’s  Mass Readings (Exodus 22:20-26; 1 Thessalonians 1:5-10; Matthew 22:34-30)for Roman Catholics on the Thirtieth Sunday in Ordinary Time

Commentary on Exodus 22:20-26; 1 Thessalonians 1:5-10; Matthew 22:34-30

“LOVE – AND DO WHAT YOU LIKE” is a statement attributed to the great St Augustine. He did not say simply, “Do what you like” but “LOVE, and do what you like.” The word ‘love’ changes the meaning of the statement completely. We have a similar theme in today’s Gospel. It touches on the very heart of the Christian message and indeed of all human living.

We are at a stage in Matthew’s Gospel these weeks where Jesus is being challenged by various leading groups among the Jews. Jesus had just reduced a group of Sadducees to silence, much to the delight of their rivals, the Pharisees. Now it is some Pharisees who approach him with their own question, a question much debated among themselves: “Which is the greatest commandment of the Law?” Unlike other encounters, there is not necessarily any malice in this approach. As a Rabbi, influential with the crowds and known by many as someone with a mind of his own, they wanted to know Jesus’ opinion.

There were over 600 different laws and much time was spent in arguing over trivial details of observance. This question is about going to the very heart of the matter. Among so many laws, was there any one which touched the core of people’s relationship with God? Was there one which summed up what the other laws were trying to say?

One plus one equals one

Jesus often answered people’s questions with one of his own but in this case he gives an answer. And he cites not one law but two. He first quotes the book of Deuteronomy which says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind.” Jesus says this is the “first and greatest commandment���. Probably Jesus’ hearers would have had no problem agreeing with that. He then goes on immediately to say, “The second resembles it: You must love your neighbour as yourself.” For Jesus’ listeners, this commandment would have been seen very much as a secondary requirement. And, as we know, the word “neighbour” could be taken in a highly restricted sense. The story of the Good Samaritan in Luke’s gospel indicates that Jesus had a very different understanding of who our neighbour is, although it is not raised here.

Concern for people

God’s special concern for people and not just for worship of Himself is already expressed in a telling sentence from today’s the First Reading, taken from the Book of Exodus. Compassion and sympathy are to be shown in particular to the stranger, the widow, the orphan. “If you are harsh with them, they will surely cry out to me, and be sure I shall hear their cry.” Further, money lent to the poor should not require interest; a garment taken as a pledge must be given back before sunset if that is all its owner has to cover himself with during the cold night. “If he cries to me, I will listen, for I am full of compassion,” says the Lord.

Undoubtedly many people would have felt little compunction in not doing these things to people they regarded of no account provided they themselves were fulfilling all their direct obligations of worship to God in terms of prayer, fasting and alms-giving and other ritual observances in temple, synagogue and home. Jesus – echoing what the Old Testament already is saying – affirms that religious observance is not enough.

Jesus was making a significant change in linking these two commandments together as one and inseparable. From the rest of the New Testament it is clear that one cannot love God without loving one’s brothers and sisters at the same time. Nor does one love others just for God’s sake or to please God or observe a commandment. One is expected to go much further. One does not go to God through others but one seeks, finds and loves God IN others. “As often as you did/did not do it to the very least of my brothers and sisters, you did/did not do it to me” (Matt 25:40).

Jesus identifies himself with the hungry and thirsty, with the naked, the sick and those in prison (irrespective of their crimes). Jesus identifies himself with those in most need of love and compassion. He is also to be loved in the leper (nowadays the AIDS victim, the alcoholic, the drug addict, the homeless), the outcast – and even in the enemy who threatens me.

A way of life

These “commands” to love God and those around us are not really commands. Love is not love unless it is free and spontaneous. What Jesus proposes are not just commands or rules but a whole approach to life and to our relationship with others.

There is only one “commandment” consisting of two inseparable parts. The key word is “love” but there are really three loves involved: love of God, love of others and love of self. Ultimately, love of God, the source of all being and life, comes first. Then comes, as a natural outcome, love for all those in whom God dwells and whom God creates. Because they are the objects of his love, they must also be the objects of mine. Lastly, there is the love of self. I also am worthy of being loved.

Turning things round

Strangely enough, to implement these loves effectively, we may have to reverse the order: love of self, leading to love others, leading finally to love of God.

In a way, the most basic love is love of myself. “Love your neighbour as yourself,” says today’s Gospel. On the one hand we might think this is an unnecessary command. What people do not love themselves, think about themselves, worry about their welfare? At the same time, we have been taught many times not to be loving ourselves, not to be selfish and self-centred. And it seems that a great many people do not really love themselves very much at all. Quite a number actually hate themselves and a large number have a low level of self-esteem. They do not like very much what they see in the mirror.

Many secretly dislike themselves and would dread people getting to know them as they see themselves. “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?” was the telling title of one of Fr John Powell’s popular books. The book sold millions, so it obviously struck a chord in many readers’ minds.

Why do we spend so much money on clothes, make-up, appearance, image? The cosmetics business is a huge industry involving billions of dollars. Why do so many chase various status symbols to show that they have “arrived”? The part of the city in which I live, the model of my car, my clothes and accessories – all carefully chosen to enhance my image and make me look better than I feel I really am. So much of advertising is directed to this inner fear.

Why are we afraid to let others know what we are really like? Why are we so shy to stand up in front of a crowd or ask questions at a meeting or make a speech? Why do people go around looking for status symbols that will make them seem more important in society? We know the obsession of many people for “famous brands”. A man got a suit made (cheaply) in Bangkok and when he went to collect it, the tailor pulled open a drawer with all the most famous labels. “Which one would you like?” he asked. So the man walks out wearing a cheap suit but with the prestigious label conspicuously sewn to the cuff. Did he walk taller because of that? What about the phoney Rolex and Omega watches they sell on Hong Kong’s sidewalks?

Why do so many try to be one of the crowd, why do so many escape into alcohol and drugs? Why do so many, especially the young, even destroy themselves by taking their own lives? In a world of plenty, of endless means of entertainment and pleasure, why is the level of teenage suicides so high? Ultimately, it is because so many people inside have little love for themselves and think that no one else really loves or could love them either.

Loving others

If we have difficulty loving ourselves, it will be difficult to reach out in love to others. We will be too busy worrying whether others are loving us, or at least the facade we present to others. And indeed that is the case. Individualism is rampant. Freedom means “doing one’s own thing” and to hell with everyone else, except for a small number around who enhance my self-esteem.

It even affects the way we often behave in church, having very little sense of community. How many of the people around you here do you know? And what have you ever done for any of them? And what have they ever done for you?

When I love myself, I accept myself totally as I am, recognising both my good qualities and my deficiencies and making no effort to hide them from others. I do not really mind what people think of me. That is really their problem, not mine. And, because of that, I have plenty of time to think of them and their needs. Then I have the freedom to reach out and be concerned with the well-being of others. In short, I can begin to love my neighbour as I love myself and because I love myself.

Loving God

And then there is the question of loving God. Saying “I love you God” is one of the easiest things in the world. But it is difficult to speak realistically of loving God, if I have no real experience of what love is, the experience of loving and being loved by people. Only then can I begin to see that God is present in all truly loving experiences. “Wherever there is love, there is God.” My whole life can be lived in a sea of love, given and received.

Then the commandment of Jesus begins to be realised. I begin to be aware that when I am being deeply loved by another person, it is in fact also God’s love that I am experiencing. “Where there is love, there is God,” says the First Letter of John. All real love is a manifestation of God’s presence.

Most of the time, God shows his love for me through the people that enter my life. He loves me when they love me; and I am loving him when I love them. In the end, there are not three kinds of love but only one.

This person – this me – with all my strengths and weaknesses, this person with whom I have learnt to be perfectly comfortable, lives a life of loving and being loved. At the centre of it all is the source of all love – God.

Finally, we need to say that this love is not necessarily an emotional and romantic love. It is a love, as the First Reading indicates, which involves treating every single person with deep respect, with justice, with compassion. It reaches out even to those who behave badly or wish to harm me. It is a deepdown desire that wishes that every person experience what is the very best for them. It is a way of relating to people that helps them also to become more caring and loving – of themselves, of others, and of God. As Paul tells the Thessalonians today, “You observed the sort of life we lived when we were with you…and you were led to become imitators of us, and of the Lord.” That is the core of all evangelisation. It is not just a question of “converting” people and getting them to the baptismal font as Catholics. It is rather gently to lead them so that they find the God who loves them and find God in loving those around them.

What I am to myself becomes what I am to others and vice versa. And together we all go to God as he comes to us. In love.

[joemuggs]

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME

Last week, I was asked by Rory O’Sullivan to contribute to his Raw Edge newsletter - so here’s me talking about myself and my reliably boojy tastes. It’s a really good newsletter, so SUBSCRIBE!

--------

This week we've been speaking with Music Journalist and Author Joe Muggs. Joe has written for major newspapers, magazines and websites including Mixmag, FACT and Boiler Room and is currently working on a secret book that will be announced soon.

Joe lets us into some of the things that are important to him and gives us a short insight into his life before dishing out his recommendations. Let's dive right in!

Joe, thanks for joining us, what is it you are working on at the moment?

JM: I wish I could plug the book I'm working on currently but it won't be announced for a little while yet, so you'll just have to imagine the brilliance... My other big thing at the moment is tracing the current rise in popularity of ambient music and finding new ways of blending it with spoken word and discussion. I've done a couple of events experimenting with this recently, plus there's the LOVE DRAIN series of mixes I did for NTS Radio last year.

What's your background as a journalist what did you do before that?

I got into professional journalism quite late: in my late 20s, around the turn of the millennium. For most of the 90s, I was knocking about Brighton, doing the things one does in Brighton: DJing, being in bands, running cabaret shows, dancing on the hillsides, getting into trouble.

What is your morning routine like?

Woken by cat at 6, swear at cat, go back to sleep, woken by children at 7, put on Radio 3, faff about with Weetabix and sandwiches for lunchboxes, grimace at the news, hurriedly edit whatever the last thing I was working on the previous day, take one or other child to school/nursery, start work either at home or in local cafe/Wetherspoons.

What's the one thing you can’t leave the house without?

Sennheiser HD-25s

Who do you draw inspiration from?

Mostly from the glorious nonsense and wisdom that comes from music-lovers gathering together in any scenario: when I was in my teens and early 20s it was gibbering in after parties and the backrooms of techno clubs, but I came to realise that there's a grand tradition of subcultural gibberish that constantly refreshes our language. Whether it's The Cocteau Twins or Taliban Trim, The Goon Show or Devo, Young Thug or Krazy Kat, I love language that makes little sense but leaves you reeling.

What got you started out on the path you have taken, and what's the most difficult thing you’ve had to overcome?

I always wrote - was involved in the spoken word scene, wrote for student mags and local entertainment mags etc to get free guestlist and tickets etc – and I was always around the music scene, so after a long while of titting about it ended up being all I was really qualified to do. Even after I decided to make a go of it and started getting work for national publications, there were quite a few years of waiting tables, working in low-level NHS admin etc before writing really became my bread and butter. I really got going, though, after a series of unfortunate incidents involving Will Young forced me to do a bit of soul-searching and decide to focus on the particular kinds of music and culture I was most interested in rather than trying to be a generalist, after which I managed to carve out a niche for myself.

How do you see your profession changing in the next 10 years?

Wouldn't like to say. The decline in ad revenue across all media may continue, and it may just be a steady decline �� but there are a few glimmers that make me suspect that people are still hungry for good writing and (that much-abused word) curation, so it may be that people find new ways to make it pay. There'll certainly always be exciting new trends in music to talk about, regardless.

What’s the one piece of advice you could give to someone heading out in your field of work?

You'd better love what you do. The chances of making a living, let alone a good one, out of writing about culture, are slim – and just to add to the frustrations, there'll always be people less talented but more privileged and/or more self-assured than you blithely leapfrogging ahead. But writing, and immersion in the culture you love, has a value all of its own, and if you remind yourself of that again and again, eventually you can persuade other people too.

And here are Joe’s recommendations:

READ

McMafia McMafia by Misha Glenny – I was obsessed with this book by a former BBC journalist about the illegal 20% of the global economy when it came out, and nowadays its narrative of the convergence of governments and gangsterism looks all the more terrifyingly relevant.

Doubt Kind of ironically,  Doubt: A History has become my bible. Ostensibly a history of disbelief and atheism from the beginning of history until now, it's far more: a catalogue of the greatest inquiring and dissenting human minds. Doubt on Amazon

The Outrun Amy Liptrot and I started as professional writers together in the chaotic final days of The Face magazine, and I'm now furiously jealous of her huge talent, how far she's come and the acclaim she's had for the gripping The Outrun – though obviously not so jealous of the hard times and addiction the memoir describes. 

WATCH This Country This Country on BBC3 iPlayer – what People Just Do Nothing / Kurupt FM is to the inner city, this is to the countryside; if you grew up in a rural town like I did you will wince with recognition all the way through, but aside from that it's a brilliantly written and played piece.

The Circus is in Town The definition of cult viewing, Carnivàle is a flawed but deliriously dark and atmospheric occult HBO drama about a travelling circus in the depression-era USA which ran for a season and a half before abrupt cancellation in 2005 forced its rushed conclusion.

Cooking Down Under Masterchef Australia makes the UK version look small and shabby in comparison – the cooking, the Aussie camaraderie, the chefs' “journeys” and “food dreams”, the quality of presenters and guests: everything is super-sized, dramatic and gripping. The new season starts any day now, and I cannot wait.

LISTEN Underground House Talaboman – The Night Land – John Talabot from Barcelona and Axel Boman from Stockholm were already well-loved DJ/producers in underground house, but together they've produced an absolutely beautiful album more for home listening than the club, which I've had on repeat for months now (read my interview with them here)

Joni's Lawns Joni Mitchell – The Seeding of Summer Lawns – I was only ever a casual Joni fan until I discovered these leaked demos of The Hissing of Summer Lawns; suddenly everything fell into place – not just the perfection of her songwriting but her genius as a producer and arranger – and an unquenchable obsession began.

P Money P Money – Live & Direct – unfairly eclipsed by higher-profile releases from fellow grime veteran Skepta and young upstart Stormzy, this from Southeast London stalwart P Money deserves to be heard widely: it's as belligerent and problematic as can be, but also razor sharp and full of hard-won wisdom.

BUY Body Bass SubPac – a bodily bass speaker that you wear or lean on, that combines with headphones to give you the experience of being up close to a soundsystem or orchestra without upsetting the neighbours; incredible for deep ambient voyaging!

Animation Studio from Hue The Hue Animation Studio – a brilliantly simple bit of kit – a webcam on a flexible arm, plus super-intuitive software interface – for making stop-motion animation. Bought it for my son, but he has to fight to stop me monopolising it.

Human after all A FMLY 'HUMAN' sweatshirt – yes I do a lodda great work for charidee mate - stylish AND philanthropic, buying this also gets £10 to the Refugee Council. 

EAT & DRINK Salad - No, really. God this is poncey but I'm obsessed with Ottolenghi salads, like this fennel, pear and pecorino one. I think I could face being vegetarian if all veggie food tasted this good.

Meat! I am very much not a vegetarian though, and I love the short rib at  Zelman Meats in Soho – it specialises in less pricey cuts, but the quality of meat and cooking mean the eating experience rivals places WAY more expensive.

Everyone loves their local I have to shout out to my South London local 161 Food & Drink – whether for coffee and cake or lock-ins until god-knows-what-o-clock with a string quartet, Al is the consummate host and the food, wine and beer are reliably A1 quality. 

LEARN Learn Coding Learn the Essentials of coding with Makeblock robots – so easy to get started with, and massively fun, but quickly draws both kids and adults into really complex programming and logic concepts.

Snow Geysers There has been an amazing discovery of snow geysers and the possibilities of life on Enceladus, Saturn's snowball moon with an internal ocean full of warm currents and organic molecules.

Contribute! How, without having to be a massive hippy, to make small positive contributions to the world, courtesy of the Draw The Line collective of comics writers and artists.

DO Down House Go to Down House – Charles Darwin's house for many years, the downstairs is preserved exactly as it was when he lived and worked there, as are the gardens and the outbuildings where he experimented, and it's kind of magical.

Pink Trombone Drive yourself quietly mad with the (deliberately) unfortunately named Pink Trombone – an online tool that mimics the shape and movements of the human mouth to generate sounds: try and find the Kenneth Williams settings!

Rave in London Go raving at Printworks London – I thought I was way past dancing in giant rave barns, but the extraordinary post-apocalyptic industrial setting of Printworks has changed my mind and then some: extraordinary production values, some of the greatest names in techno, and even daytime opening for those of us too old and tired to stay out all night!

[the-last-airbadger]

Get To Know Me Questions

Ok so I reblogged this thing a few days ago, and even though nobody asked me questions, I’m still going to answer them, because I really like doing these things and maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there that’s actually interested in my answers to these questions but was too shy to ask me or didn’t see the post. But now the answers will be in my personal tag forever. Yay ^-^

(please beware this is a very long post these are 125(!) questions! It took me three days to finish!)

I hope you enjoy these questions and my answers to these questions!

1. What is your full name? Skylar Elliott (Dutch last name). (I’m not sure if I wanna post my last name on tumblr…)

2. What is your nickname? I don’t really have a nickname… everyone calls me Sky though, I guess that counts…

3. What is your zodiac sign?   Gemini! 

4. What is your favorite book series? Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I have never enjoyed reading a book as much as I enjoyed reading these books.

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? I don’t know? I’d like to say I believe in aliens and ghosts but there’s always this voice in the back of my head that tells me that it’s “cool, but they don’t actually excist because it hasn’t been proven”. Although I do believe that aliens must be out there somewhere I mean the universe is so big we cannot be the only life forms. I just think aliens are so much more different than we humans can even imagine.

6. Who is your favorite author? Rick Riordan! Very sassy, author of my favourite book series and cares a lot about representation in books which is very gud.

7. What is your favorite radio station? I mean I don’t really listen to the radio but I kinda like skyradio because it has part of my name in it and I also love npo2 between christmas and new years eve because they play a top2000 of music that you can vote for and it’s really fun. (These are both dutch stations I believe, so if you don’t recognise these stations, that’s why)

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? Usually strawberry. Strawberry ice cream, strawberry sweets, strawberry sauce, strawberry lemonade, strawberry tea, strawberry smoothies… I love them all.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? “Awesome” or “cool” 

10. What is your current favorite song? Heaven - Troye Sivan ft. Betty Who Prove me wrong - Fireflight Escape - Fireflight They share the first place so I listed them all. I literally cannot choose. 

Heaven makes me feel much lgbtq+ pride and happiness, as well as sadness and determination to change the world. Plus I can really relate and let my emotions out by listening to this song

Escape is a very good song about overcoming fears and, again, I can really relate to this song. I really like the refrain because when singing it I can really throw my emotions into this and let them out. Again, this song fills me with determination to change the world and the way I handle problems. It makes me feel stronger. And the ending is really reassuring and beautiful.

Prove me wrong, I can also really relate to. It’s about being insecure about yourself but then someone else helps you see that you are actually a really nice person. It reminds me of my friends.

11. What is your favorite word? Ethereal -  “Extremely delicate and light in a way that seems not to be of this world” 

12. What was the last song you listened to? Heaven - Troye Sivan ft. Betty Who (listening to it right now)

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Brooklyn Nine-Nine because it’s hillarious and very progressive and inclusive and the characters are very lovable.

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Probably just any Harry Potter movie. They never get old.

15. Do you play video games? Sometimes. I’m not that big of a fan of videogames but I like games like life is stranger or all the harry potter games and I sometimes play mario with my brother.

16. What is your biggest fear? I’m afraid of my house setting fire and I’m kinda afraid of all bugs but I think my biggest fear is wasting my life and dying unhappy and unfulfilled. 

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I’m a very positive person and I have and okay face and I make bad jokes (that I secretly think are hillarious). And I always try to learn and improve myself and become the best person I can be.

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? I’m insecure about EVERYTHING and I overthink every move I make in life and that makes me feel like I’m failing everything and everyone especially the people I care about.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats! I think dogs are very cute but irl I kinda shy away from dogs because I’m still lowkey scared of dogs but cats are so cuddly and cute and I want

20. What is your favorite season? Probably fall. Because of Halloween and the leaves FALLing (get it? Fall, falling. haha) from the trees and the colours and the wind and the whole leadup to christmas. I also like that the temperature isn’t to high or to low. Winter’s too cold and summer’s to hot and spring is okay but not that special.

21. Are you in a relationship? Nope. But right now I’m only interested in friendships anyway so I don’t mind. (also being both ace and trans I kinda feel like it’s impossible to find anyone who’d actually want to date me so I kinda just… don’t bother. Transition first, relationships later)

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? I miss that I was so social and talked to everyone without restraint or fear. And I miss having the time to read.

23. Who is your best friend? @asiandutchgirl @the-official-pentacorn  They’re both two of the most wonderfull people I’ve ever met don’t you dare make me choose

24. What is your eye color? Brown. There’s some green in them somewhere too if you look really closely but it’s mostly brown.

25. What is your hair color? Also brown but I’ve been thinking about dyeing it for a long time… but usually I can’t because my acting class won’t allow it.

26. Who is someone you love? My siblings, my parents, my best friends, my grandparents, my household, my pets (although pets aren’t really people but I LOVE THEM OKAY)

27. Who is someone you trust? My siblings and my best friends. I could tell them anything.

28. Who is someone you think about often? I hope this doesn’t sound weird but My best friends. They make me happy and they’re a big part of my life even though I don’t see them nearly as often as I should. And I guess, because of that, I just miss them often. 

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? I’m in the middle of the process of legally changing my name and gendermarker! I cannot wait to see them on my new ID!!

30. What is your biggest obsession? At the moment definately VOLTRON (season 2 was so guddd)

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? I used to loooooove Zack and Cody. And after that I started to enjoy ICarly and Victorious a lot. I used to spend whole weekends watching these shows. 

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? My best friends and my sister.

33. Are you superstitious? A little bit. I mean I know it’s bullshit but somewhere, in the back of my mind, I still believe bringing “lucky items” to stressfull situations will help me somehow.

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? Uhh… not really? I mean the only thing I can think of is that I cannot sleep in a room with, for example, my mom, because I know she snores and then I am so afraid that it’ll keep me awake that I cannot sleep… -_-

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? I prefer to be in front of the camera because being behind the camera makes me responsible for the final product while being in front of the camera comes pretty natural to me. My granddad always films every important family event and I grew up with a love for acting and being on stage so… I like that.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Watching a show that is soooo goood you just have to binge it and being on the edge of your seat the whole time and just getting lost in it basically. 

37. What was the last book you read? A book for school. “Two women” by Harry Mulish. I didn’t really like it. *spoilers* a lesbian main character was killed in the last two pages just as I thought she’d live happily ever after -_-

38. What was the last movie you watched? Iron man… I think… yeah I watched that the day before my brothers birthday when his friend stayed over.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? I play the piano! I’m not that good at it but hey, I enjoy it.

40. What is your favorite animal? I really like Lions. They’re like big cats and also super majestic.

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? the-official-pentacorn, asiandutchgirl, hagraeven-side-blog, slytherin-bookworm-guy, relatable-pictures-of-pidge… I think…. there are much more, I’m sure, but these are the first ones I came up with and they all have a special place in my heart.

42. What superpower do you wish you had? I’d love to be able to fly, but, as a trans guy, I think shapeshifting would probably make me the happiest.

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? In the cinema. Just comfortably sitting in a chair with food. My only responsibilities being watching a movie, keeping my mouth shut and eating. Perfect.

44. What makes you smile? Music, My friends, A happy scene in a tv-show or book, a very bad joke, realising how much I love the people that matter to me, having an actual nice social interaction that wasn’t in any way awkward, gender euforia, doing something I love.

45. What sports do you play, if any? …Have you ever seen me trying to exercise? 

46. What is your favorite drink? Fresh Lemonade. I had some in Greece and it was literally the best thing I’ve ever tasted… Why don’t we have that in the Netherlands :’(

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? Probably sometime when I left the house to get some groceries and didn’t know when my dad would be home so I left him a note on the table

48. Are you afraid of heights? It depends. If I’m walking next to a very deep drop I’m terrified I’ll fall, but in a rollercoaster, on a plane, or even a on bus that’s driving on narrow roads next to a massive ravine, I have no problem with heights. I guess I just don’t trust myself at great heights because of my clumsiness. 

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Whenever I’m trying to concentrate on something I cannot handle it when people ! start ! to ! eat ! crisps ! or ! nuts ! or ! something ! VERY ! LOUDLY !!!! Somehow this mainly happens around my mom and sister and not really anyone else but sometimes it gets so bad I literally have to leave the room. Also snoring… because if someone starts to snore I will not be able to sleep for hours unless I have my phone and some earbuds nearby.

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Yes! I’ve seen Al di Meola (when I was six, with my dad), Lissie, Maria Mena, Delain, Within Temptation (twice), Vanessa Carlton and K3 and I’m gonna see Lindsey Stirling in March!

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? Nope! But my dad is vegan so half of the time the only meat I eat is the sausage on my sandwiches.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? Cassier, Artist, Inventor, Archaologist, Game-Designer, Actor, Writer, Idfk. All in this order.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? I’d love to live in the world from Avatar: The Last Airbender because it’s basically the same as ours only with DRAGONS and BENDING and all other kinds of cool animals and cool stuff.

54. What is something you worry about? In a week and a half I have test-week and then in a little more than a month I have another test week and then in May I have my final exams and I have SO MUCH LEFT to study and SO MANY PROJECTS left to do and SO MANY BOOKS left to read and I worry I will never pass and die in the process and start hating my life. (which I already kind of do because of school, but hey, only four months left… only four months left…)

55. Are you scared of the dark? Depends. Around 8pm I have no problem with the dark but around 11pm/12pm/1am I am not a fan of walking down two sets of stairs to go to the toilet.

56. Do you like to sing? YES. Omg I absolutely love singing!! I sing everyday and I’m also in a choir (that has been founded for trans people specifically so I don’t have to worry about my high voice) which is super awesome and I love it.

57. Have you ever skipped school? Nope. At least not without my parent’s permission.

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Probably just any cinema or my home. They’re both places I can just feel at ease and eat.

59. Where would you like to live? Tbh I am perfectly happy in the places I live right now and I don’t think I’ll ever move far away from here, but it would be supercool to live in London!

60. Do you have any pets? Yes! I have two guinea pigs (who are both supercute and cuddly) and a cat (who is supercute, but anything but cuddly)!

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night owl. Mornings are for sleep

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets because sunsets happen around my favourite time of the day, and I only see sunrises if I have to wake up very early or if I’ve pulled an all-nighter and I hate both of these things. Like I said, mornings are for sleep.

63. Do you know how to drive? No, I don’t. I will probably start lessons next year though!

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? I prefer headphones because of the sound quality, but after I’ve worn my headphones for an entire day they always start to hurt because they press my glasses against my head and when I’m going outside earbuds are a lot easier to take with me. Same when I’m trying to listen something calming to fall asleep, earbuds are easier. 

65. Have you ever had braces? Yes, I’ve worn braces for about nine months when I was thirteen

66. What is your favorite genre of music? I don’t really have a favourite genre, but I really enjoy soundtracks, rock, some pop and some dubstep songs.

67. Who is your hero? I don’t really have a hero. There are a lot of people I look up to but I think that if I’d have to choose someone right now I’d choose Thomas Sanders because he’s just the nicest human on the planet and I aspire to make people laugh and smile like he does.

68. Do you read comic books? No, not really. They don’t really grab my attention the way books or tv-shows do and I always end up skimming the pages and spoiling myself.

69. What makes you the most angry? Ignorance. Whenever someone refuses to be open minded. Whenever someone claims to know something better than I do and refuses to listen to me. Whenever someone tells me how I should be feeling when they don’t even try to understand what I’m feeling. Whenever someone even tries to shit on my community, friends and interests. 

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? I prefer reading a real book because books never run out of power, smell good, and just give me that nice reading vibe. And because my e-reader is slow as heck and I have to wait ages for the pages to turn. 

71. What is your favorite subject in school? My favourite subject is probably Ancient Greek. I really like learning the ancient greek language and culture and I’m also pretty good at it. Plus my ancient greek class is a very nice group of people and we have an awesome teacher.

72. Do you have any siblings? Yes! I have a sister who’s eightteen and a brother who’s fourteen and I love them very much.

73. What was the last thing you bought? Last monday I bought myself crisps, cola and some liquorice candy because I had a sore throat. (edit: and today I bought some more crisps, some more cola, and candy’s agains coughing… they didn’t help)

74. How tall are you? Last time I checked (about nine months ago at the hospital) I was about 165 cm tall which is about 5’5″

75. Can you cook? … I can make eggs… and pancakes… and really easy pieces of meat that you basically only have to heat up in a pan…. And I can warm up soup from a can… and that’s about it I guess lol

76. What are three things that you love? Time for myself, watching tv-shows, rain. 

77. What are three things that you hate? playing sports, homework, stress.

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? Definately more female friends. I can’t relate as much with cis men and I don’t have that many trans people that are actively involved in my day to day life. Plus girls are amazing.

79. What is your sexual orientation? I identify as asexual. I don’t really understand what sexual attraction is exactly… and like… I do not understand how you can associate people you actually know in your life with sex without being creeped out? And the idea that people that are in a relationship are having sex with eachother just… really boggles my mind. Especially because to everyone it seems so normal? and then I’m just like “why would you do that…”

80. Where do you currently live? I have two houses (divorced parents) and I live in both a small city and a big village. They’re both about half an hour away from Rotterdam in the Netherlands but I’m not sure if I wanna post the exact places I live on tumblr…

81. Who was the last person you texted? My brother. He asked me which one of us would buy banana’s and chocolate. I said he should because I was still at school.

82. When was the last time you cried? Last sunday. I was super stressed out because of school. I had to finish a project and I had two hours left but my brain was dead so I kinda crashed.

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Phil Lester (AmazingPhil), Dan Howell (danisnotonfire), Sean McLaughlin (Jacksepticeye) and Chase Ross (uppercasechase1). Dan and Phil always make me laugh and make me feel appreciated and I love them and their video’s and their dynamic a lot, Jack feels like one of my closest friends and he’s such a nice and funny guy, and Chase has helped me so much with transition-related problems. They’re all amazing and I cannot imagine my life without them.

84. Do you like to take selfies? Yes, I do! A lot! Whenever I’m on a trip or I look good or I just feel like trying on some new clothes and stuff, I always make selfies.

85. What is your favorite app? Probably the tumblr app. I spend half my life on there. Nothing is better than using my tumblr app to avoid social contact.

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Really good. My mom is a very warm person that I can tell almost anything to. She’s very understanding and her hugs are very soft. She values my opinions a lot and is always there to listen to what I say. With my dad I find it harder to tell him everything but that’s probably because I get the feeling that he expects a bit more from me? Idk if that’s true though, might just be my imagination. But he’s a very chill and self-assured person and I like that it’s always so calm at his house, whereas at my moms house things can be very chaotic and sometimes stressfull. My dad is very open and very accepting and he keeps surprizing me with how much he’s okay with.  Overall my parents are really really nice. They support my transition and my life choices and they just want me to be happy. I couldn’t have wished for better parents. 

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? I really love scottish it’s amazing. A gift to humanity.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Japan!! I really wanna go there it seems so awesome!!

89. What is your favorite number? 13

90. Can you juggle? I can’t even aim, throw or catch a ball of course I can’t juggle

91. Are you religious? Nope

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? Outer space. There are so many things left to discover and it’s so big!! It feels like everything is possible in space. Also it’s very pretty.

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Not really. Whenever something scary happens, I’m out. I’ll run away as fast as I can.  I do really like rollercoaster and stuff though and I’d love to try and sky-dive or bungee-jump… but I guess that’s because I’m not the one who’s in control in these situations.

94. Are you allergic to anything? Not that I know…

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yup.

96. Can you wiggle your ears? A little bit

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? I try to always admit it when I’m wrong about something. It’s a very decent thing to do and it prevents conflicts from happening or escalating. Plus you won’t really gain anything by refusing to admit you’re wrong about something.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? The forest. I hate the beach. It’s either way too hot or way too cold and there’s sand everywhere I hate it.

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? I don’t know. I can’t really remember all the advices I’ve ever been given, and I don't think that one piece of advice alone can have that much impact. It’s the combinations of all the advice you’ve ever had that really makes a difference. If you can combine different people’s experiences and advices you’ll figure out what to do by yourself. But I guess if I had to choose one piece of advise that I value, I’d say: “It’s good to think about others and help other people, as long as it isn’t at the expense of yourself. In the end, you are the most important to yourself. You are the one that has to live with yourself for the rest of your life. You shouldn’t always put others before yourself because you are important too and you deserve love and kindness and happiness too. You deserve to be happy” (I think most of this advice I actually got from markiplier, from his most recent believe in yourself video. It’s a very motivational video, go and watch it!)

100. Are you a good liar? Yes I am. I used to lie about everything to fit in with the cool kids and keep them as my friends. It was like second nature to me. I guess I did learn something from acting class…  I still lie a lot to my acting friends by the way, just because they party every week and I hate parties but if I tell the truth they think I don’t like them, which isn’t true at all. I like them! But I really hate parties… and they can be a bit draining to be around.

101. What is your Hogwarts House? You might belong in Hufflepuff, Where they are just and loyal, Those patient Hufflepuffs are true And unafraid of toil

102. Do you talk to yourself? Yep. Pretty often. Whenever I’m home alone I just sorta narrate my life. Sometimes I make it a musical!

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert. Interacting with people is fun but after a while I really need time alone, it really drains my energy, especially when I am not feeling well anyway. The only interactions with people that actually give me energy are interactions with my closest friends and family.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? I keep a transition-diary to write down the important moments related to transition, so I can read it back when I’m older and I won’t forget anything.

105. Do you believe in second chances? Yes. If someone is really willing to better themselves and are working hard to improve I think they deserve a second chance to give them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. 

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Probably leave it. I woudn’t want to go through either the trouble of handing it in or the guilt of not doing that, so I’d probably place it somewhere more noticable and let someone else decide what happens with it. 

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Yes. People go through all kinds of things in live and they keep learning and bettering themselves. If a person really wants to change then I believe they can, no matter how long it takes. They’ll get there.

108. Are you ticklish? Yes. Very. If you tickle me I start screaming and kicking and I sometimes fall on the floor. It’s my weakness…

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Eight times. To Rome and back, to portugal and back, twice to greece and back.

110. Do you have any piercings? Do earrings count? Because I wear earrings sometimes.

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Aang. I feel like we would be pretty good friends and our world really needs the avatar tbh.

112. Do you have any tattoos? Nope. But I do want one. I just cannot decide what I would want on my body forever… probably either something avatar related (like the air-nation logo or something, because that’s really cool) or something transition-related because it’s such an important part of my life and it’s something about me that will never change.

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Coming out and contacting the hospital to start my medical transition. Because without that, where would I be? I’d be the unhappiest little shit ever.

114. Do you believe in karma? Nope

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? I’ve worn glasses ever since I was eight years old. I will never wear contacts. ever. They freak me out! Why would you put something in your eye.

116. Do you want children? I don’t know. I always wanted kids, but ever since I found out I was trans and realised that I couldn’t have them naturally, I’m not sure anymore, because I don’t know if I want to adopt. I think it’s really gonna depend on if I have a partner or not and what the possibilities are… we’ll see. Babies are very cute though… and I think I’d love being a dad, even though I’m very afraid of becoming a terrible father. If I have kids I want them to be happy and decent humans. My sister will definately have kids though because she really really wants kids so I’ll definately be an uncle and maybe that’ll be enough for me. Who knows? And mayble I’ll get a partner with young kids and help them raise their kids… I think I’d prefer helping someone raising kids and giving the kids good life advice and do fun things together without being the one who has the most responsibilities.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? My sister has a friend who scored really well in school (an average score of around 90% I believe), who now studies both medical science and classics, plays the piano flawlessly, and is also a very nice person. She also won a price in an ancient greek competition, she was the best of the country!!

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? I was ten years old and I had a friend who was a pretty big bully and I really wanted to stay her friend so I kinda just went along with it. One day I thought I was being cool and asked said friend to place a folded airplane on the bullied guy’s table that said something like “idiot” on it.  The guy then proceded to tell the teacher who told the entire class and demanded to know who had done it. I was terrified! Then my supposed friend ratted me out. I wanted to dissappear!! My teacher at the time was kind of my hero and I did not want to dissappoint her at all. I then proceded to lie that I just wanted to give the guy a folded airplane because I knew he liked them and didn’t know that it had the word “idiot” on it. I said that the word idiot wasn’t directed toward the guy and that I didn’t turn myself in because I was to scared the teacher would be angry at me. She believed me and everything went well but damn. This is the memory that still haunts me at 3am when I’m trying to sleep.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Yes. A lot. Always at sleep-over parties. I used to really love pulling an all-nighter but now… not so much. When it’s 4am, I just want to sleeepppp.

120. What color are most of you clothes? Most of my clothes are blue! I have a lot of dark blue sweaters and hoodies.

121. Do you like adventures? Meh. I used to, but now I just want to go home and watch a movie.

122. Have you ever been on TV? Nope, but I’m probably gonna be! Right now there is a documentary in the making about my choir, which will be on TV and I’ll be in it!

123. How old are you? I’m 17 years old and I’ll turn 18 on June 4th 2017.

124. What is your favorite quote? I really like the entire songtext of escape by fireflight, but I can’t really put an entire songtext here, can I? The part of the song I love most are: “You are not hopeless. You are not worthless. You are loved. Don’t give up. This is your time” and “We don’t want to save ourselves”  But if I had to pick an all-time favourite quote I’d probably pick the following quote from Dan Howell: “And at the end of the day, if something makes you and other people happy, that’s what’s important”

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savory. I really like sweet foods from time to time but I am always craving savory foodsss ohm yg od

So there it is, I hope you enjoyed these questions and getting to know me a bit more! I really enjoyed answering these questions and they also kinda helped me study, because I only allowed myself to answer ten questions after finishing a certain amout of homework, so that’s good…

I hope you liked this and have a nice day!

[ctrl-shift-esc]

Chunks of my life

TAKE TWO , TABARNAK!

Okay, so ya’ll already know, it takes me close to years, to pop out a blogpost. I finally sit down and muster the time and dedication to hack one up. As I’m writing the last few words- my browser shuts down. WOOSAA…

Everything’s lost. 

Friggn WOOSA mang WOOSA…

Kay I think we all know how peeved I am….

Honestly I must really wanna hack one out, cuz here I am! Starting over. When really, my insides are screaming; chuck it in the fuckit bucket!

Okay I’m over it.

So Hello!

Here we are, 4 months past my last post. 4 months of magnificent procrastination.

Hey! At least it was a productive procrastination period. It’s not like I’ve been sitting on my sweet ass, doing sweet fuck all…

I’ve been acting, working, eating, sleeping… running around like a mofo. Like I said, quite the productive 4 months.

I know, I know, I said I would stop starting my posts with a lecture on how long it’s been since the last time I wrote… But heck, it’s been so long, someone needs to keep track!

These past 4 months have been hella busy! I’ve barely had time to think. Honestly, that’s partly why I haven’t buckled down to write. Who am I kidding? That’s the -only- reason why.

There’s been so many things happening, in such a short period of time. I never knew where to even begin. Do I write about the move? About my love life? Is my stress level a topic of interest?! Who the heck knows… All I know is that every time I attempted to jot down some kind of timeline, my head would spin. So there you have it!

Great now that we have that sorted out, lets start (for the second time) this blogpost! #HowBoutDat

Here we go!

In the previous, already written-blogpost (that decided to vanish); I had a clever intro explaining, my writing set-up and how I was binge eating my little brothers Halloween chocolates…blah blah, it was funny, blah blah… but now it’s gone so you’re not getting it.

Anyway, 10 Halloween candies later and 4 hours of work with nothing to show, here we are!

On my sisters’ bed, in Montreal, about to watch the sunset from her bedroom window, cuz you know…I’ve been here all day. I started the day by listening to the cutest coffee shop tunes, in my cute ass Pj’s, Insanely Cozy.

And now I’m listening to electronic beats purely to help me stay awake. I’m antsy AF!

This morning, I was excited to find a quiet cafe to spend the day. I love to be surrounded by coziness when I’m writing.

Lately, I seem to have caught a small case of homesickness. With no chosen cafe prospects, I stood there, looking around, wondering why I’m so quick to runaway to a coffee shop?! When I could just as easily get cozy at my parents house, surrounded by familiarity. So I did just that. That’s all the coziness I need. Soaking in as much of this place & soaking in as much time with my loved ones as I can, before flying back to my adopted hometown, Vancouver.

The BIG Move:

Last time I wrote, I had just done the BIG move. Barely settled, I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling the “Ecstatic- Jumping up and down- Can’t contain myself- Holy Fuck- Yay me!” feeling. I realised that, perhaps, I outgrew my own goals. That perhaps, my finish line was no longer the one I needed.

Throw it back 3 years ago; If any of you have been following my blog since the beginning, you’re aware of the EPIC fail of 2014. Where I had the clever idea to move across the country to be, (to depend) on a boy I met on vacation.

Safe to say, that didn’t last very long. From that moment on, I promised myself I would never let anything like that happen again! I became obsessed with my independence.

Forward to 2015; I had decided I would move to Vancouver, BC, in the fall of 2016. No matter what came my way. I got in contact with a friend of a friend of mine, in VanCity. Learned that his roommate was looking to sublet his room from October ‘til May, the following year. “AMAZING! This is perfect” I thought to myself. Given the extremely low rent (525$ / month, which is a joke for Vancouver!)  I just, couldn’t pass that opportunity up!

That winter, I started dating an old highschool buddy of mine. Trying not to think too far into the future, I went ahead with my plans despite the new relationship. But Oh, did we ever headbutt about my future plans, to not only move across the country- but to move in with a male roommate.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand where he was coming from. But I’d be damned if I would compromise my Vancouver dream, for a boy! Been there, done that, amiright?

But let me tell ya, wasn’t long before my - feminist- Girl power - ass, chilled for a minute when the BIG move was actually done.

The BIG Love:

Eric and I met in highschool. We became chummy chummy in English class, 9 years ago to be exact. Gahd Damn, time flies. Nine years since this kid started teasing me for over-acting our daily Shakespeare, in class, reads. We’ve been best buds ever since.

Eric moved out west, to Alberta after graduation, to work the Oil rigs. I moved back to Montreal from Ottawa, to study Acting. We kept in touch with our high school crew and somehow, always managed to meet up during christmas holidays, and summer vacays. We never went too long without seeing each other. We kept in touch like clockwork. I always saw Eric as one of my best friends. My mind never ventured too far from that idea. I had no clue he had an eye on me…sneaky sneaky boy.

Summer of 2015 , when Nomi and I decided to take my Yaris on a cross country trip out west, to live in Edmonton for the summer (myself, for the second time), Eric invited me out to lunch on a few occasions. He paid and everything! (what a gentleman) I thought he was just being a good friend!

That winter, Thanks to social media, Eric knew I was on my yearly trip back to Ottawa for a couple days at Christmas time. He managed to squeeze himself in my tight overnight schedule and took me out to dinner. After a great night and few glasses of wine later, out in the pouring rain, BOOM! He kissed me. & that was the end of that!

He’s been by my side ever since.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always a clear cut “FUCK Yes” the whole time. Remember, I was still - independence obsessed. I was doing this move no matter who or what came along! So I had a few months of rocking back and forth between “ I love him, can’t live without him. I just want to drop everything to be with him” and “ NO NO NO, FOCUS Girl. You’re a LadyBoss. Imma go do what I gotta do, to be where I gotta be!”. Because for some reason, I wasn’t able to find the middle ground. It was one or the other. We had a few struggles, but who doesn’t.

We always seemed able to find a way to communicate, work things out, and find our way back to one another.

The really effing BIG life:

A year later, I’m in Vancouver, at my friends place, though it didn’t take long for me to want my own space with Eric. It took a whole 2 weeks. Barely unpacked, I was already looking into apartment rentals.

Eric is gone ¾ of the time, for work. I only get the privilege to see him 7-10 days out of the month. We’re quite the social butterflies (when we wanna be) so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that, I barely see him as it is, I need my alone time with him more than ever when I do see his face! My feminist- independence - obsessed- ass, chilled for a minute. I decided I needed my space with my boyfriend. A space where we could make as much noise as we want and not disturb anyone…Because our daily morning joke telling- meme watching - wrestling - pillow fighting routine can get rowdy. Anyway, I laugh like a hippopotamus, so really… It only made sense. 

Under 3 weeks of my living there, we managed to lock down an apartment. Two weeks later we were both moved in.

During that time, I had applied and started with lululemon (again). I also pressed “resume” on my acting career. I was taking as many “On set” gigs as I could get my hands on. We were busy busy bee’s.

I wanted to live the life I imagined for myself; and that’s a REALLY effing BIG life. I decided I was committing to my vision, & my goals. I finally chose to make my dreams a reality. Now, not only am I here, but we both are, together, moved into an apartment in the dead center of Yaletown, Vancouver, BC. Wow.

I’m getting paid to do what I love to do. Am I at the finish line? Not yet. Do I know what my finish line is? Not sure… I have an idea. If it’s what I think it is, I’m not quite there yet, but that’s A-Ok with me. I’m not there yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was 3 years ago!

And I’m hacking at it, bit by bit, everyday… Slowly but surely.

The “BIG Magic”:

“Big Magic” is a book written by the famous “Eat, Pray, Love” author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book puts into words what it is to live a creative life beyond fear. 

This thing, full of words, not only allowed me to notice my own sparks of creativity, but allowed me to notice little miracles happening everyday. The more I pay attention, the more I believe everything happens for a reason! If I wouldn't’ve epically failed on my brilliant idea to move across the country with a boy from vacay, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s my kind of BIG Magic. 

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer two months ago. She was taken into surgery and woke up cancer free. BIG Magic. I had been homesick for a while, I was anxious about not knowing when I’d get to go home next. I was always making excuses because I felt like I couldn’t rationalize spending that kind of money. 

As drastic as it may seem, when I found out my mom was being taken into emergency surgery, I could no longer rationalize NOT spending that kind of money. So I flew out first thing the next morning. I got to spend quality time with my close loved ones. I got to touch base & be home for a bit, she needed me as much as I needed her. Life found a way to make that happen. That’s BIG magic. 

It may not always look like it, or even feel like it, but BIG (little) magic happens all the time. You can witness the tiniest miracles, if you pay closer attention.

“Life happens for you, not to you” - to live a magical life, takes patience & lose the fear. Fear is No Bueno. You won’t need it, so chuck it in the fuckit bucket. AND LIVE A BIGASS LIFE

So there you have it folks. 

Until Next Time

Ctrl+Shift+ go Awesome everywhere xox

[notfinebutfine]

Love is generous; co-dependency isn't. How scarcity mindset fails co-dependent lovers.

Hello again.

As you may have noticed there has been a considerable hiatus in my outpourings in the past months. The reason for it is that I fell in love and had to work out and circumnavigate a shitstorm of fears and insecurities. Luckily for me my partner is a securely attached and compassionate person, who finds genuine joy in seeing me happy. I think there was a huge element of luck involved in me finding A. but my therapist urges me not to downplay the work, so I guess I ought to take the credit this once.

I am not here to sing my own praises though. I am here to offer my take on co-dependent relationships and in this instance the role of scarcity. Most co-dependent love stories come from a place of lack, a place of yearning, a place of need. It may be need for protection, need for acceptance, need for caretaking, and need for being cared for. Like a victim of starvation, a co-dependent lover stumbles upon a barely acceptable offering and gobbles it up warts, trimmings and all.

In the past I've been involved with people I didn't like, but claimed to love. Not because I am a pathological liar, but because acknowledging it, would leave me to deal with irreconcilable thoughts. Rather than "I made a mistake sleeping with this person the moment we met" I'd sugar coat my lapse of judgement as "love at first sight". This would have you go through with a relationship with a person you wouldn't even have as your friend let alone lover. That's not to say that odd couples are necessarily co-dependent, but it may serve as a fairly good early warning system for recovering co-dependent.

Ask yourself whether you LIKE your romantic partner. Don't ask yourself if you love them. Co-dependents spend years being conditioned to LOVE the parent whose drinking they'd find disgusting, whose erratic behaviour would embarrass them, whose rage would see them dart for cover, and whose neglect would make them jump through hoops in attempt to get a semblance of affection. Don't ask yourself if you love such person, ask yourself if you like them. If you are in an intimate relationship with a  person you don't like, it's not likely to change. You are not going to change them; that's not what they entered the relationship for. To add to the recipe for disaster any dysfunctional relationship opposes change. Incidentally, change is the only thing you can safely bet on happening.

So, how do you go about recognising that the grounds prepared for your next relationship are infertile, rather than nourishing, before you set out to find a romantic partner? In my experience (direct and idirect) they are:

-Fear of being alone/ dying alone. Obsessiveness or envy of relationships

-Not having "a type". Basically fancying anything with a heartbeat. Truth is that you do have a type and this sort of behaviour is indicative of low self esteem, not the generous acceptance as I once believed it stood for.

-Notion that the other person will come into your life and fix everything for you. You will feel finally happy and complete once in a relationship.

-Accepting advances passively. Not going for the type of person you genuinely admire, for the fear of ridicule and rejection.

-Accepting advances from an unavailable person such as a married person, a person who is only looking for a bit of fun, or a person with an addiction or compulsion.

-Romanticising abuse. Equating passion to violence. Tolerating controlling behaviour. Tolerating dangerous and/or irresponsible actions of your suitor.

-Seeing one night stands as a starter pack for a romantic relationship. It's like going for a joy ride and finding out you have bought the car you're in.

-Willingness to begin a new relationship to escape existing dysfunctional relationship by means of "ejector-seat affairs" and/or serial rebounds.

-Inability to stand your ground. Holding a popular opinion only to please others or to avoid conflict by having to defend your position on subject.

These behaviours can be addressed with your therapist and with a bit of work and patience you will be able to stave off the emotional hunger. Self love is the meal you can generate all by yourself and sustain yourself for a life time. And once that meal grows to a size of a feast, guests may be invited to share their abundance with you. Love is a joyful party, not a soup kitchen.

I leave you with this comic. Two people desperately in need of salvation. They see each other’s qualities and think themselves lucky. After an initial relief and elation they realise that the other person's wealth is not what they thought. The isle that can't sustain one person let alone two, and the boat that is nothing but a dingy with no paddle, no sail, no compass or shelter to protect from the scorching sun. When you have little to give emotionally, you are prone to accepting way too little in return. Real mature love doesn't fall into your lap the instant you meet "the one". You ought to grow into being the one first.  

[freyaevephotography]

BE ESSENCE

Three years seems a long period of time to spend finding yourself and deciding on what your future ambitions look like, but after all this time three years merely seems like 3 months. To walk away from University with my own marketing and management agency, ‘Be Essence’, and the knowledge I have consumed within this time is simply invaluable, even if I wasn’t sure of it at the time. 

Be Essence is my very own agency that provides marketing and management services to influencers and brands. Through my website and social media platforms I advertise four main services that Influencers and brands can choose from:

BE Digital - This offers clients our photographic skills to provide them with quality content for their social media platforms. 

BE Social - This is where my agency will take over our clients social media platforms and do all of the content distribution for them.

BE Advised - This service allows our clients to sit down with us on a 1:1 basis to discuss all their social media queries and how to help them utilise their platforms properly. 

BE Efficient - Be efficient gives our clients detailed monthly plans to help them post content consistently to reach maximum engagement. 

But let’s rewind a little bit .... how did Be Essence actually come about? Well, during the first semester of my final year, I became obsessed with the idea of influencers and why we have these individuals after previous research I had done on them in my ‘Who is the modern day designer of anti-fashion?’ essay.  At the time it fascinated me in terms of what was their actual purpose, that they get so much criticism for the jobs that they do, yet everyone looks to them for inspiration and product recommendations. It seemed like a bit of an odd concept to me; a conundrum. I took this fascination and decided to base my whole dissertation around Influencers and how they should/could be using their elevated status within society. This very quickly became a huge factor fuelling the physical side of my course, as I gained more and more information on the influencing community. I learnt for example, that there are different tiers of influencers, and that 70% of teens trust influencers over our traditional celebrities. This is when I realised that being an influencer was a legitimate job and that they are extremely influential individuals all across the globe. As a nation, we look to these individuals for advice and genuine recommendations, therefore I wanted to create a platform to help people recognise influencers and the important work they do. This is where the first ‘draft’ of Be Essence came about. The first version of my platform was one that shared the profiles of female influencers and the great work that they do ... it was a platform designed for regular instagram users to recognise the influencers I shared with them. However, after that semester had passed, I was given my last brief of my final portfolio that was designed to sum up all of my work. I was stumped, as I had no idea how to construct a complex project that simply didn’t consist of a folder of fashion photography because that’s what I liked doing. This is when I took myself off to a 1:1 tutorial with my lecturers to see if they could enlighten me with some ideas that reflected my talents as a photographer. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a straight forward chat that led to my final idea ... I think at one point I actually sat and said to them, ‘the thought of doing that idea bores me’. We got there in the end though. All we had to do was think of the things I loved doing most throughout my three years, and that was fashion photography and making my Be Essence page for influencers. And that leads us all the way to the birth of my marketing and management agency. I stuck with Be Essence as the platform for my agency as I had already gained a lot of recognition and had spent a lot of time building a following so it only seemed appropriate to keep it going but rebrand my initial idea.

Be Essence now seems like an obvious outcome and achievement for me, but little did I know at the time that it would develop from attending those 2-hour professional practice lectures back in my very first year. Professional practice was never on my agenda when I started university as I was so unsure of myself as an artist. Writing a CV and presenting myself as a professional seemed out of the question when I had no idea who or what I wanted to be within the photographic industry. However, I have used those foundational skills and assets ever since. The whole premise behind Be Essence has been built upon on the business strategy I had learned in my very first semester, and being able to market my brand and target a specific audience successfully, using tools such as a strong website, social media platforms and business cards. From this basic knowledge I have expanded my understanding to become competent in more advanced settings such as metatags, search optimisation and social media statistics which has helped me focus and build a much stronger following. All of this groundwork that I had learnt over my first two years of university has helped me build my legitimate platform and through the statistics and analytics of my platforms it is evident that all my hard work has paid off. I have managed to build a targeted audience who are constantly engaging with my content and asking me questions about the services I provide. It’s honestly so rewarding to see. 

However to say the least, my third year has been a struggle, I was so disheartened by my second year of studies, as well as having a taster of working in the industry with Big Dog and Brogan Buzec. I was just completely reluctant to go back and carry on with the same distressing, for me, university routine all over again. I have had some real highs and some real lows this year but I can honestly say I don’t think I would be where I am now without the support of my boyfriend Joe. He became one of my biggest motivators and supporters in completing my university degree. Joe has been my artistic muse and has given me the creative freedom and motivation to flourish and create work that I love and can say I am proud of. I can remember starting my final semester being so anxious about starting university again, that I don't think I slept or ate properly for at least a week. I was petrified. I had never experienced this sort of emotional pain before and I just knew completing a degree in such a state would be impossible. I spent so much time driving to and from my boyfriend’s house all the way in Devon to help keep me sane during my last year and make it that little bit more bearable. I eventually made the decision to take a step back from Falmouth and to complete my final year away from the university setting and this is probably the healthiest decision I could have made. I feel as if the standard of the work I have been completing ever since, reflects the positive impact of this decision. Being able to work away from university has allowed me to spend the hours that I need to on my work, to then know that when Joe comes home from work, I can have a sense of normality and happiness before it’s time to get back to work again. I couldn’t be more grateful to have met someone so supportive of my work and who feeds my creativity and I don’t think I would be where I am now with my final project without the love and support, he has given me throughout this last year. 

So as you can see, all had been going well; I had amazing support behind me and I have been producing some really exciting content with some incredible people, for my Be Essence page. But before I knew it, BOOM … a global pandemic occurred. It really does make me sad to look back on my university experience with its mixture of positives and negatives, that right when I was starting to enjoy my work we all get taken down by the corona virus. Completing my university degree has been challenging enough without the added complication of not being able to shoot any new content for my Be Essence agency as my content is solely reliant on engaging with Influencers. However, this pandemic has really shown that social media is probably more important than ever in keeping everyone connected and allowing me to use my platform to support those who are also struggling to produce content for their personal brands.

Reflecting back on my three years it’s beautiful how I have had little stepping stones within each semester that have led me to this final destination, and I really couldn’t be prouder of my final outcome. I remember in one of my previous crits, I was told by my peers that I was being too ambitious with my idea and that it wouldn’t work because things like Be Essence take years to plan. But I’ve done it, haven’t I? Even with a big global pandemic, which meant I had to postpone my launch event, the way I have been able to use my initiative and create my own agency with all the tools and knowledge I have collected over my three years of university - I am very proud and thankful. 

[differentkindapiratemovies-blog]

Reflections

Overview

I really wish I had given myself more time this year to really develop a lot of my projects but due personal issues I ended up not being present at a lot of most of the classes and workshops although I still believe I have completed most of the work independently to the best standard I could. I tend to deal a lot with creative bock due to over thinking and this year was by far a real challenge for me. I really overcame a lot of problems I have when it comes to working on projects. I struggled a lot with the majority of what I had and wanted to do even though a lot of it is stuff I have done before in my life. I like to think of myself as very resourceful when I don’t have a lot on hand and not a lotta time. I pride myself at being able to look at what I have around me and create something out of it. My work this year often involved only one other person to be my subject of whatever it was I was working on and other than that I tend to be my own writer, director, crew, producer, everything.  It’s not that I am against working with others but I get very bad social anxiety, partially when I have a certain idea in mind and really want to find people on the same wave length. I find it very easy to talk to my best friend who appears in almost every piece of work I’ve created throughout this year. She’s helped me a great deal in getting my work completed and letting me just kind of tell her what to do however going into next year I really want to meet new people and collaborate on projects even though I’m apprehensive. However I still pride myself on being a truly independent filmmaker and I would like to learn every single aspect of the process so I can become and unstoppable force of creative fuck.

I like to work in a physical sketchbook and although I believe I have shown all the relevant information from it here on the blog I feel as though that the book itself is the real blog, where I keep everything from inspiration and influence and personal ideas for movies and projects and of course all my many class notes and theory I’ve caught up and studied over the last few months. I work entirely in this book, I bring it everywhere I go and is a huge part of development of ideas and has a lot of information in it from the philosophical side of creativity to the practical. It’s very important to me to do things my way and keep everything together as my projects tend to over lap especially if there’s several being completed in a short space of time. With this year I believe it’s important to see my work as a whole and also represents the kinda rag tag way I tend to work. Things get messy when I come up with a bunch of different ideas and my sketchbook for this years work defiantly represents that. It’s filled with every little thing I write down. I’ve always worked in a big A4 sketchbook and I always will I think. I feel that my blog does not represent fully what the sketchbook is full of however I think I have accumulated the most relevant sections. The book itself is filled with all my ideas from the terrible ones to the ones I am actively pursuing. You can find pages from it in my blog.

I keep thinking of the things I would have done differently but I’ve truly had a break through this year by at least finishing the projects and learning to not become so obsessed with something that it leaves you stagnant. I wish I had more time to really explore and develop my work such as my moving image work, which is my main passion. I wish I could have really made something that ticked all the boxes but I did what I did with the best I had. Overall I have a lot to learn still and want to get better at my craft and I can’t wait to go on to the next year where I can hopefully really begin to flourish. I would have done a lotta things differently and I made a lot of mistakes. My ideas tend to go bigger than what I can actually practically pull off which I’m aware is a normal part of creating, especially in movies. As well as the feeling that what you make doesn’t 100 percent turn out how you wanted it to be, but I understand the process of learning from one project and moving on to the next one.  I tend to do things my way and am very persistent about that although I don’t feel this gets in the way of experimentation which I certainly did this year.

Photography

Three Studies of a Woman in the Sun. Three portraits of my friend and artist Katie Russell. Shot on a Canon 600D RAW I wanted to capture her identity through three images. The middle image you see in the three panels on my blog is her in a natural environment and utterly neutral. That one is relatively light feeling due the summers day behind her however she's looking off and something implies it’s more melancholy than the photo lets on. Perhaps the uplifting summer isn’t enough to hold her inner more negative emotions or that maybe the summer is no longer a good thing with it getting hotter and hotter each year. Maybe this isn’t a summer of celebration, but one of the end of the world. The bottom one is a real captured moment of her closing her eyes perhaps to imply her shyness in an industrial area, somewhere I often find comfort due to high containers and is generally aesthetically pleasing to me almost because of how not pleasing it is. The top one is how Katie would usually be and dress in her own environment, the lighting highlighting how she expresses herself through her own image. I like how the darkness is almost bleeding in around the edges of the photograph. I experimented with lighting a lot with this one and took several different photos that were the contender for the third portrait. Here, now she is herself, seems to project more confidence looking directly into the camera like this time the camera is invading HER space as oppose to the other ones where she’s almost apart of the scenery. Now she’s outta the sun she is the one who is shining. Notice how also she seems to fill up the frame more more the more comfortable she gets.

I missed my opportunity to use the photo studio or learn about it during the workshops or take some really good crafted photographs I feel but just like all my work I did the best with what I had. I really wish I could have learned to use black and white film. I also would have really liked to do something maybe more elaborate with costumes and big lights perhaps something more in line with Cindy Sherman however I would never pass up the opportunity for raw photography, which is my favourite kind. I consider raw photography to be as real as you can get it without too much manipulation of the subject and no manipulation once you’ve taken your photos. I enjoyed it although I don’t think photography is something I would do on a professional level. I enjoy taking photos a lot though.

Web Media

Web Media if defiantly my weakest part of the year. Not only do I find it frustrating and boring I have no interest in ever using websites to tell my stories or anything else unless it’s in the form of a kind of blog which I did do. I thought the narrative aspects of the module was interesting however web media is for sure not for me and I hope not to revisit it at any point. However I still had ideas and can appreciate how creative you can be with it. Originally I wanted re-tell the story of Odyssey through minimalist squares however that wasn’t really possible for me so I decided that it would be a chose your own adventure with a more artistic and low quality edge that would give it a pleasing aesthetic. This is the only project I really collaborated with someone on, having my friend to help me with the technical sides of coding however came up with the whole idea and development.

Moving Image

During film production I tend to take on every role including camera man, directing and sound and of course I always come up with the ideas, from script development to on the spot changes and ideas. Everything but being in front of the camera which I have even done as well. I consider filmmaking to be my main practice.

In addition to researching all the different roles the filmmaking process demands I also she a scene related to a bigger structure. On the scene from The Great Hydration War script that I wrote myself I did my best to make every shot tell us something. I played around a lot with power dynamic and it’s constantly changing. When our main character thinks they are in control the camera angle is low, making them seem large and powerful, but when the villain gets the upper hand you’ll see that they have the power. When they are both pointing guns at each other you’ll see that they’re both at the same level and share the power of the scene because it could go either way. Jazoor, the main character from the script, sees a figure. Unsure of who it is we see them in a wide, impersonal and unidentified. But when they stand up and Jazoor realises that it’s her twin from back on Earth. “It’s you!” Jazoor exclaims. With what she knows she gains the power to deal with the situation. She’s got this. However she’s flooded with doubt; “You sure?” Says the Dryborg, an evil futurist cyborg whose one weakness if water. The camera swoops up, leaving the character feeling vulnerable with no idea what kind of situation this is. Then she brings up her gun, bringing the power back to her. I did this throughout the entire scene and tried my best to make sure I was expressing the characters feelings and positions through the angles even though obviously it’s quite a non-sensical script and sort of ridiculous scene. I thought about the lighting as the scene was based on an alternate reality Earth in the past where the sun is blue so I made sure all of the scene were glowing in this blue light which I managed to do in post. As for the costumes me and my friend, who played the character, helped design it. I wanted something si-fi esque but obviously I had no budget and not a lot of time so I decided to try and take the comedic route and make it have more charm than actually trying to make the audience buy what was going on. The scene is a pivotal part of the larger structure and story and that I had written but the storyboards for the scene were in fact drawn before I wrote it.

For the scene I shot it on my trusty Canon 600D DSLR I’ve been using for many years. It’s trust worthy and takes footage so it works for me but I’d love to use something more professional and something closer to the industry standard. I like the cameras available at the university but sometimes its just much more practical to use your own camera but for the in coming year I really want to learn a different range of cameras and shoot on them. With more time and the same opportunity as other students I could of created something of a higher standard, perhaps something longer also.

Conclusion  

I feel like I could have done a lot better with all of my projects and made them to a better standard and quality and with more meaning if I had been more personally okay this year. I’m very passionate about my chosen subjects and like to think I’ve had several break throughs this year with my work. I am quite proud of some of the things I’ve created, particularly the ones I created for other modules, the short films Campussies! And HELLo. Everything I make has either not to do with politics or is anti-politics.