#Idk why I'm so affected by it but I am
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I love Arcane so much but s2 really disappointed me with how Sky was treated. Like I wish I could say I enjoyed s2 more bc I did - it was such a fun ride despite its issues - but the whole Sky thing overshadowed it all and left a very bad taste in my mouth
#arcane s2#sky young#like I love skyvik okay#sure#arcane#but this is not what I'm talking about#this isn't a shipping thing#I think her character is treated horribly and really wasted#like why even bring her back? what for?#I can't even really enjoy any of the other ships or any of the high points of this season bc of that#Idk why I'm so affected by it but I am#not trying to spoil anyone elses fun but it's just ... *sighh*
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When the only person who might understand what happened- understand. Not sympathize or empathize or comfort you but understand what happened, isn't there anymore. Or: 'A Man Made Me Do Something I Didn't Want To', for when you can't talk about it or look it in the eye [Patreon | Commissions]
#Tuvok#Kes#comix#idk how to tag this bc of the allusion#st voy#star trek voyager#bea art tag#comix page#star trek#this is not a one to one allegory nor is it meant to be - I am specifically focusing in on the loss of bodily autonomy that occurs when#Kes and Tuvok have their bodies taken over purposefully by men for various reasons which all boil to power. 'Because I could' and Because#they thought Kes or Tuvok wouldn't be able to stop them from doing so. Because they thought they had the power to do so so why wouldn't#they? But again this is not one to one - I interpret and will continue to interpret these instances in many different ways#But something that sticks with me in canon is how 'impervious' Tuvok is made - There is that scene at the end of Warlord which#shows that Kes is affected by what just happened to her - she's confused and hurt and doesn't know what to DO now that the in-the-moment#fight is over and it's time to just keep living and Tuvok comforts her but when he will go on to be taken over again and again and again#there will be no one to comfort him - no one HE can go to - and the narrative doesn't say that there should be. Even when he's#taken over by the BORG (an experience which had a lasting traumatic impact on characters like Seven or Picard - granted they were connected#for a lot longer) this is only mentioned offhandedly. One wonders why it occured at all. There's also how the other two main Vulcans#T'Pol and Spock - when they are forced to act emotionally or are in situations that affect their emotional equilibrium there is a big deal#made about it and they are hurt and ashamed and given some degree of care and comfort by those around them but when Tuvok#is forced into similar situations it is simply assumed he'll get over it - not even just by the other characters but the narrative itself#takes it for granted Ex: 'Workforce' where he forgets ALL his Vulcan training or 'Meld' where Suder's influence#unintentionally makes him lose it and try to kill him...THOUGH I think Suder hugging an unconscious Tuvok is perhaps the closest we get to#someone comforting Tuvok after he's been through that sort of ordeal. I'm not saying Tuvok would WANT others to be hugging him#and offering him emotional comfort etc (he's Vulcan) but I find it interesting that the narrative assumes that the black body (even alien)#is more 'durable' than its white counterparts. 'Stronger'. Assumes that there is no interiority which recoils and sustains the damage#when hurt. That there is nothing worth exploring because there is no impact from the impact. A crater lands and the Soil beneath it is#untouched
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I have the funniest idea for Vox, Alastor, and Valentino co-raising a kid together. Basically, they're in a V relationship with Vox as the hinge, and they somehow acquired a kid. Idk how, maybe they picked them up off the street, maybe it spawned somehow, maybe Staticmoth shit happened, or idk, we can go with my weird nurse shark Vox idea I posted a while back lol. The point is they're co-raising a kid, a teenager now.
And it is absolute chaos.
They all have wildly different parenting styles and it shows. Any time the kid sneaks out, Val just like idgaf, they can do whatever, Vox is frantically checking all over the security cameras, and Alastor's patiently waiting for them to come home in order to scold the shit out of them. Any time the kid asks for something, Val says no because he's cheap, Alastor literally makes them a deal with him before he'll consider it, and Vox just hands over his credit card. The kid gets hurt... no, okay, they all agree on going on a murder spree on this one, but what they do with the kid varies. Val gives them a bedazzled gun and tells them to shoot the fucker next time, Alastor proceeds to ignore the child in favor of torturing whoever hurt them live on air, and Vox... buys an entire hospital just for the kid.
#This idea is just so funny to me#Although the fact that it's 2:30 here may be affecting that#why am i awake#hazbin hotel#hazbin vox#impish ideas#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel vox#radiostatic#staticlovetune#hazbin valentino#staticmoth#does this count as a Vox's shitty upgrades? Idk I'm putting it anyways#vox’s shitty upgrades
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An AWS comic
#My art#For the record I am not a medical professional and as far as I know AWS isn't even something you can be diagnosed with???#It's so hard to describe what the two sensory hallucinations really *FEEL* like#Like the time one... You know how a dramatic slow motion scene looks like in an anime?#It's like that but if you made it a 60 fps interpolated version of it#It is an absolutely bizarre feeling#Meanwhile the hyper awareness and everything feeling intense feels like how a fisheye lens shot in an anime feels#No I could not be bothered to try to figure out how to draw that for this comic#For the record I haven't actually had those visual hallucinations since I was a small small child#Hell I don't even think I had any hallucinations in my teens at all like#The sensory ones just kinda started happening again in the past 7 years or so?#Also the swelling sensation I've only had once so far. Usually I get the hyper awareness sensation#(Also sometimes I get this intense feeling of swaying when I go to bed but that might not be an AWS thing??)#(Like there's other things that could make you feel like you're rocking on a boat when laying down so I didn't include that)#No I have never talked to anyone about these hallucinations because for the longest time I didn't know what they were#And they are like. Harmless. Like I'm 100% aware they're just strange sensations but not real at all#They last max 15 minutes if even that long and they happen like super rarely#Only once have I had the hyper awareness be SO INTENSE it made me feel distressed#So like. It doesn't really affect my life at all? So why bother with it?#Also IDK if I could even go to a doctor and ask about AWS and have them know what that even is#And even if I could as far as I know there is no treatment for it so like. Whatever#As long as I don't start having distressing hallucinations or visual hallucination's I'll be fiiiiiine
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#idk i just. it would be so much easier to do Anything if i had any idea what amount of love is acceptable to show to other people#hanging out with people! talking to them! doing activities together! i like all of these things and i like the people i do them with#but it's always so hard to figure out where The Limits are#i know other people often aren't nearly as open to affection and closeness as i am#and i Very Much Do Not Want to make anyone uncomfortable with unwanted advances#i'm not sure how to communicate 'i will not get any closer than you wish me to' without the message coming across as 'i wish you didn't#come any closer to me'#because i feel like that's what i'm doing most of the time! pushing people away so they know i'm not trying to offend their personal space#and then i end up feeling miserable and left out and abandoned because no one gets as near me as i wish them to#idk idk just feels bad man#and like as much as i crave physical intimacy with people this also applies very much on emotional distance#generally i'd like to be a lot closer to the people in my life in every sense of those words#and i don't know how???#giving a compliment or offering a hug or inviting someone to a thing always makes me feel like some sort of monster#clumsy and unwanted and clueless about their horrid existence that is barely tolerated#why aren't there any clear rules to these things i could learn! so i could Fucking Communicate with people!!!#euuogggggh i'm just tired and frustrated and sad and haven't slept properly and it's been a long week at work#i think i'm doing better than what it sounds like here#maybe#sussitalk
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#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity#am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about#i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy#why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies#this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most#i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out#it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself#i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk#also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it-#- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop#i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me#not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE#no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me.#not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse#but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about#-everything lmao#stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse#delete later probably idk lmao
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How can you make yourself not care about the thing you care very much about? Asking for a friend
#my chest feels so tight and like it's aching since yesterday now#i'm so mentally and physically affected by how much the ending bothers me#i wish i wouldn't care so much about the show and i could just shrug it off#i really want a different obsession right now just so i wouldn't care so much about a stupid tv show ending#it's ridiculous it's so stupid#why am i freaking out about it so much and getting all depressed about it#it shouldn't matter so much#it just makes me so upset idk i hate it#everyone is over the moon and happy and here i am having a fucking breakdown#maybe i should take a break from the fandom and from the blog#i try to focus on the positive and things i like but my mind just keeps coming back to it#and maybe i just need to not see any young royals right now#i haven't even watched the documentary yet. i wanted to today but it was too much#if it affects me so badly then that's not good. that's not how it should be
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whooooo having an anxiety attack about covid. again 👍
#cw negative#cw vent#nowe talks#it's hard to describe what about it is the worst source of anxiety for me. it's not What If I Get It. it's mostly just. it's just.#i sometimes feel like our society has just forgotten that it's a thing. or that society has forgotten that it's A SERIOUS THING.#like this thing that Kills People.#i know it's not lethal to most people but it still is a very serious thing!#why have we as a society shifted from “protecting the people most affected is a collective responsibility#(via vaccination and masking and not showing up to places sick)“#to “well what if all the people belonging to risk groups just deal with this on their own and the rest of us go back to normal?”#idk man maybe i'm sensitive because my grandma died of covid a week before Christmas last year.#or because both of my parents are over 60 and my dad has another risk factor illness on top of that.#idk man. i just feel so. unsafe. unsure and scared and tired. i just dont want other people to go through what our family did last december#i want to stress that i'm not blaming any individual people for this.#my frustration is almost solely directed towards the goverment not taking covid seriously enough#and like i'm not perfect. i'm not sure what's the right thing to do and what's me overreacting.#i recognize that i am often incapable of thinking clearly about this subject#sometimes i feel like i am the only one in my circle (family included) who is this worried about it still. i'm not blaming my loved ones#i'm not saying i'm better than them that's not it. i just. sometimes i just feel so alone with this#and idk how to make it better?#like i have good moments and bad moments with this anxiety. it comes and goes. but. idk.#i think her death's anniversary coming closer combined with the rising covid numbers in my country is just doing a number on me
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There's a thing I've learned over the years and I thought, I might share it. You know what's one of the best things you can do? Talk openly about your insecurities to others. The more you openly talk about yourself or make a little fun about your insecurities instead of trying to hide them, makes every interaction with others much more comfortable... at least in my opinion!
#just to name an example- my supervisor and I just were hiking once again and the path was super steep.#so I was like “ah great while you're going to levitate ever so easily up there I'm gonna turn into a locomotive 🚂#and I have to be careful not to fcking suffocate“#we both laughed about it and I kept talking about how my life's affected by being overweight but that I still have much fun in#physical activities and that I technically don't feel as overweight at all as I am (until it's time to walk up a mountain lmfao)#but that type of talking works with a lot of things#body hair... acne... scars... idk... talks like that just make me in general more relaxed because I don't have to hide anything or worry#what they could think of me... if you have backstories about your insecurities and why you are the way you are#people have less to judge. they usually only judge if they don't know about how chill you are about yourself
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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I'm going to have to look into this more and honestly it's a pretty limited study but this was interesting to find...
Basically from what I've been able to piece together it's suggesting that in AFAB perisex adolescents lower levels of some sex hormones (mainly progesterone) had an affect of the severity of trichotillomania.
It's not a HUGE find but any research of any BFRBs is SO welcome since there's barely anything.
#Any ideas are ideas at this point#Mainly posting this for my own reference so I don't lose the article#trichotillomania#I wonder if a similar trend with sex hormone levels would be found in the same study but with other BFRBs?#Like dermatillomania or onychophagia and such?#Idk but it's cool to read#my adhd <- tagging that since comorbidity and adhd affects trich for me a lot :^^^#I'm not in school it's the weekend. Why am i reading this. How did I get here.#I don't know how I got to this point in reading science journals not complaining though#I DONT KNOW FULLY WHAT THE NUMBERS N SYMBOLS MEAN.... thank you author for summarizing at the end of sections <3#Trichotillomania#BFRB#neurodivergent#Neurodivergence#rambles
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ALSO now that I'm on the Complaint Train, I would love it if I could say, "This thing might be artistically good on other levels and if you like it, good for you have fun, but the gross way it talks about/handles mental illness is too much for me, to the point where I have to avoid watching/reading it for my own well-being" and people would go, "Yeah, that makes sense, you do you" instead of "Omg, you're so sensitive, lmao just get over it."
#am I too close to this issue? maybe! but I think I've earned the right to be close to this issue by having it be the single most formative#experience in my life. I'm close to this issue because THE ISSUE LITERALLY RESIDES IN MY FUCKING BODY#'you care too much' SO WHAT! WHY IS IT BAD TO CARE! WHY IS IT BAD TO BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING! FUCK YOU!!!#ALSO this is ONCE AGAIN not to say that there is One Right Way to tackle mental illness in fiction. there isn't. and also not all depiction#is Representation™ and that's ok! but there are some things that...idk I'm not going to say any idea is automatically inherently unworkable#but there are some things that make me go 'hmmmm...do we really need to keep doing this? did no one consider the optics? can#we evaluate this in accordance with general trends and a wider context?'#like idk it might be nice if I said 'hey this is important to me and it affects me' that people would. acknowledge that. could be neat.#the real horror was the ableism we found along the way#ALSO I am past the point of apologizing for this these comments are just what y'all get now
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i have always been and will always be utterly fucking insane. help
#she bork#tbd#i am so so so so anxious and idk why!!!!! we found a house just need to get two of our roommates subleased from their apartments so it's not#the house hunt and i've stopped worrying about grad school as well since there's no use worrying about all the ifs and pros and cons when#idek if i'll get accepted in the first place so i don't think it's that either. idk i'm just like off the chain like i was putting up ad at#work literally thee MOST low-pressure activity imaginable and i was like about to have a panic attack like why!!!!!! i've had like three#cups of green tea which is caffeinated but not heavily so like probably the equivalent of two cups of coffee so it shouldn't be affecting me#like this. work is also stressful rn bc we keep rolling freight due to call ins so maybe that? i have no idea i just know i want to throw up#lmfao. idk maybe i'm not getting enough vitamin d bc i'm already deficient and daylight savings time has reeeeaaally cut down on my sun#exposure not to mention the weather has been super cloudy so maybe it's that. or maybe the idea of so much change at once is scaring me even#though it seems like it's all gonna work out and ik that it will bc it always does but change is just scary. so maybe that. regardless i#wish i would just fucking calm down i'm miserable
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ive begun to condition myself into attraction to balding men as a defense mechanism against the inevitable future of my beautiful beautiful hair. hopefully one day i will progress to bald men in full.
#i am the spitting image of my EXTREMELY BALD father#i mean i'm trans and xx afaik so god willing i just have to worry about my moms side#which has like the standard jewish and british amount of balding i think#my grandpa has a decent head of hair and only balded from stress uncle's still got it at 50 ultazeyde was rocking a good amount too#but i am SO STRESSED all the time even though i do fuck all all day so i fear it'll leave me early#my dad went bald in COLLEGE and my mom still married him AND SHE MADE HIM BALD NATURALLY WITHOUT SHAVING HIS HEAD#it was horrific he just had this patchy little triangle i think he converted just for the kippah#still worth it to go on t for the voice and the bottom growth and hopefully some body type changes#but i might stop taking it once i have a deeper voice ngl. i have pcos so my t levels r enough for a masc face and some facial hair#once i get the permanent changes i might stop taking it just for the hair lmao#ive heard if you have pcos it affects the timeline for t in weird ways too though so idk#like you get bottom growth really quickly but voice change takes longer and your face might look the same#no clue why it's all anecdotal not enough ppl to study really
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once again in my rickard and mortyanne era. if you couldn't tell
#random thoughts#guess what motherfuckers it's blue man time#you ever think about how rick probably knows bp inside and out since he stitched him back together#he has literally been inside that man biblically#from seasons 1-3 it's really easy to tell they were originally planning for rick to have been divorced rather than a widow#and if you keep in mind abc's of beth that means he left after tommy got stuck in froopyland#but before beth got put in therapy for it because you know it was her mom who put her in therapy#since rick invented froopyland just to keep his daughter occupied i think he and diane were seperated at the time#which may be why beth struggles so much with leaving jerry#because in her eyes the divorce was what caused rick to leave her life which she then resented her mother for#and she doesn't want to be the reason her kids don't see their father and resent her for it#i think diane died either before summer was born or soon after#she was alive long enough to see beth and jerry wed i think. probably played a hand in planning it#which beth also resented her for because her wedding wasn't really about her at all#i think she died when summer was too young to remember her. probably shortly after morty was born#summer has a couple memories of her but they're more impressions than anything#she babysat while beth was in school and jerry worked#and wouldn't let her hear the end of it#she faked her death btw. was swept away by a space pirate. straight out of a bodice ripper#if her and rick ever met again he would shoot her fabio straight through the head right in front of her#he'd secretly be a bad guy and morty would be like 'gee rick how'd you know schmabio was a slave trader?'#and rick'd be like 'idk morty i'm just that good' (he didn't they were just arguing and schmabio made a point and looked smug)#(shot him right in his smug face)#i think the crew needs more friends. they need more reoccuring side characters#i am of the opinion jerry should have kept his job for longer and there should have been an office spoof#none of those characters would reappear again ofc because jerry would be fired soon after but he'd mention what they're up to in a sad#'i'm stalking them on facebook to feel like i'm still at work' way#morty should have more school-centric episodes. he should have friends his own age! who rick then isolates him from. tragic.#summer has like. two friends who need more screentime.#beth should also have her own office drama but it's about how she hates it and doesn't want it to affect her worklife
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