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buckyscombatboots · 2 years ago

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I Wanna Be Yours❦

Part 1: Snap out of it

Part 2: Arabella - Coming soon

One stop off of heaven masterlist

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Angst, infidelity, reader is the side piece, hurt, brief mentions of childhood friend!Bucky, no happy ending (sort of), reader is used, no aftercare, all hurt no comfort, p in v, rough sex, hate sex, doggy style, hair pulling, slapping, biting, allusions to reader being infertile (can be ignored :))

Nicknames: My girl, whore, slut, Sweetheart, buttercup

WC: 4K

The Happier version: My Girl -Coming soon

A/N: This is the angstier version of the fic ‘My Girl’ and is the actually original version of the fic and more truly embodies what I was feeling when writing them both.

A/N: Ive been gone for a really long time (like almost 3 months) and I’m really sorry I’ve been extremely busy, because as a lot of you know I’m doing a PhD right now. Anyway, this is part of a series that I’ll hopefully finish when I’m not so busy. I also have a few requests to finish. Love y’all 💕

༻𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐓𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭🎀༺

You both laid in the middle of the hotel bed, your head nuzzled into Bucky’s chest as you held him tight, taking in the smell of him like it was the last time you’d ever be able to. Your mind burned as you broke down every note of his scent; Magnolia, vanilla, leather and petrichor. You chanted it like a recipe in your head, begging yourself not to forget it. Just in case you ever had to recreate it when he was gone, it was inevitable after all—It was reality, this world you had both created in this room was no longer tangible. Someone was going to find out, or they had already—and to make him keep risking it, running around with you at night. It couldn’t continue, the thought of it ending made your throat tighten and a smell similar to pva glue fill your nose. It burnt as you blinked the tears back. Even as you squeezed him tighter, closer, it felt like he drifted further and further away; you could just feel it. He was distancing himself from you mentally and now physically, to make it more bearable for you both; so that he could lessen the pain, but little did he know the more he moved away the more it hurt, the more your heart shattered into tiny, little pieces that you’d inevitably be left alone to pick up. You wondered if you’d ever be able to repair your heart, or if it had shattered so much into such minuscule pieces that trying would be futile.

You had one final night with him and here you were, spending it cuddling him trying to suppress your tears. You didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes if you shattered, if you showed how much this little love affair truly meant to you. You loved putting up the tough, emotionless bitch act but you couldn’t. Not now. Not if it meant letting him go, never feeling his rough hands trace your every curve, never having him to kiss every scar, never being able to hear his deep, silky voice. You didn’t give a shit about the sex, no matter how mind blowing it was. You just wanted him to stay, you’d become celibate if it meant he’d stay. You’d do anything. But you weren’t “his girl” no matter how many times he whispered it to you softly or made you scream it as he fucked you. You just weren’t his. Not in the eyes of the law and not in the eyes of any of your guy’s friends. She was and you hated her for it, you hated the nice girl who brought you ‘Welcome home’ cookies, who comforted you when you were crying, despite not know you were mourning your chance with her husband, the sweet, beautiful, perfect girl that would one day give Bucky the sweet, beautiful, perfect family he’d always dreamed of. You hated that you hated her, it felt immoral, this all felt immoral. But she had what you wanted; him. She had him wrapped around her tiny, wicked…pretty, well manicured finger, it was wrong of you to force him into this—Bucky had always been weak to you and you used that against him. You made him cheat, but deep down you knew a part of him liked it. He was just like you after all, he was broken and a collector—but instead of things you both collected bits and pieces of others and saved them up inside you, it’s what made you both feel whole.

His arm that had been laying flat under your head shifted, he ran his fingers through your hair, rubbing slowly circles on your scalp, caressing the base of your skull with his warm palm. His touch was too much, you didn’t deserve it. That’s what broke you. The burning in your nose got too much; tears began to stream from your eyes like water from a broken faucet and the knot straining in your throat gave way to heavy sobs as you scrunched the material of his shirt in your fingers “What’s wrong sugar?” He asked indifferently, but you couldn’t answer. The embarrassment from letting your walls finally fall in front of him and the pity you had for yourself, that you detested, jammed your throat. You tried to open you mouth to speak, to tell him it was nothing or that you’d had an awful day at work, you’d always been quite sensitive, he knew that, so the excuse of being yelled at in front of everyone at work would probably work, but no matter how much you tried to summon the words you couldn’t speak. The frustration just made it worse, the warmth from your emotional outburst and his natural heat made it hard to breathe. You pushed away from him, finally distancing yourself. But the implications of your action just intensified your blubbering, you felt like a child as you collapsed in front of him.

Bucky pulled you closer even as you tried to fight him off. You kept your face hidden behind your hair, but he started to peel it away from your damp cheeks. “There we go I can see you now.” He let out a halfhearted nervous laugh, smiling. His smile. Your chest tightened painfully, even through your drowned vision, the full intensity of his welcoming smile hit you like a pile of bricks. “What’s wrong, sugar pea? You can tell me, it’s just us.”

“I can’t- can’t tell you”

“Why not? We’ve know each other since we were kids, you can tell me anything.”

“You’re gonna- you’re gonna hate me.”

“I could never hate you. I’ve seen do a bunch of things and I’ve never once hated you.”

“I’m in love with you.” You blurted, your hands scrambled to your mouth covering it in fear of more words spilling out unchecked. The room fell silent and you heard Bucky’s breathing stop short. You’d ruined everything. Your whole chest ached as your heart beat ramped up, slamming against your rib cage, your ears ringing as the precious Eden you’d created with him began to crumble and rot. Neither of you said a word for what felt like forever, then he slowly pushed you away from him and he rose from the bed slipping on his shoes. “Wait, no don’t leave please.”

“You just had to go ruin it didn’t you? It’s like your specialty.” He turned to you sweeping his hand through the air as he spoke “ Y/N professional ruiner.” He scoffed as he returned to tying his laces “I mean God! You had one job! And it was to lay there and not talk, but you just had to open your mouth.” Every single poisonous word that fell from his tongue knived you.

You held onto his back trying to pull him back into bed “No please, please don’t leave me!” You cried, hardening your grip as he tried to stand.

“You’re so pathetically lonely, you always have been.” Bucky pushed you into the bed, holding your hands above your head as he glared down at you “You’re just like a dog you know that? A creature that can’t survive without its master. That’s what you’ve made me isn’t it? Your master. Well I can’t be anymore, the little doggy needs to realise that she can’t keep forcing people to be in her life, dragging people into her misery!” As he berated you you sobbed, trying to turn away from his scrutinising, to cover your ears. He was right, you were dragging him down into your misery. You were pathetic. You were harming him and his life by existing. “You know what? How about, as a parting gift, we do it one final time? Give the bitch what she wants? Would that make you happy? Would it finally fill that gaping hole inside of you?”

You nodded tearfully, gnawing down on your bottom lip to stop sobbing. It didn’t stop anything. In fact it just made the helpless feeling inside you fester.

He began tearing your clothes off, tugging at your shirt harshly making it catch your ear as he yanked. You resisted the urge to yelp, you didn’t want to anger him further. He tossed it carelessly and gave you a light slap on your cheek before squeezing your face in the palm of his hand. “You’re so pretty when you cry.” He let out a dark chuckle as he scrunched your face “You are pathetic aren’t you? I can’t believe it took me this long to realise just how pathetic you truly are. You can take off your skirt can’t you?” You whine out a yes and start to undo your skirt, but your eyes are drawn to Bucky undressing above you. You watch the muscle under his slightly tanned skin stretching and tensing as he removes his clothes. Once he was nude he looked down at you expectantly, catching your wander gaze with a stern scowl “Why are you still wearing clothes? I just told you to take your skirt off. Do it.” You scrambled to unzip your skirt, fiddling with the zipper. Bucky tutted, grabbing the sides of the fabric and tearing it apart “Simple.”

More tears filled your eyes as he yanked off your panties. You closed your eyes and thought back to the other times you were together in different hotels, how gentle he was as he stroked the soft flesh of your thigh and nibbled at your skin, whispering promises and praise as he approached your core. He’d stretch and tease you till you begged him for more and even then he’d be so very careful as he entered, pressing his skin against yours as much as possible just to feel even closer to you.

A searing pain shot through your scalp, making your eye shoot open, as he pulled your hair wrapped around his strong vibranium fingers “Face down, ass in the air.”

“Aren’t you going to prep me first?” You asked sheepishly, your voice not going above a whisper.

“Why the fuck- No. Just do what I told you to do. I’m hard, I want to fuck you.” He scoffed, clearly tired with your constant hesitations and questions.

Hesitantly you sat up and presented yourself to him, hoovering your face above the pillows. He pushed your head down, your heart jumped, fear blooming in your chest; for a brief moment you thought he was going to suffocate you, the reminisce of his smell on the pillows filling your lungs. He released your head, you lifted your face from the pillow slightly “Stay down.” He ordered sternly, sounding bored as his dripping tip pressed against your entrance. You did as he said, lowering your cheek back down on the cheap fabric of the pillow case; you began fiddling with the cream coloured fitted sheet, rubbing the fabric between the tips of you fingers. Waiting. Then you felt him push into you, a searing, stretching pain tingling through every fibre of your being as his thick shaft parted your walls. You weren’t as wet as usual, you weren’t as ready as usual, you were afraid of him in this moment. More afraid than you’d ever been in your life. “Fucking tight. God no wonder I keep coming back to you, it’s this pussy. It’s like silk.” He sheathed fully inside of you, ramming his weeping tip against your cervix.

“Ow! Buck, slow. P-please.” You requested timidly, stuttering out the last part fearfully, feeling a sense of uneasiness churn your insides.

He guffawed in response, leaning his head down to rest against your arched spine. Warm puffs of air made your hairs stand on end as he laughed at your request. Finally he rose back up, swiping a tear from the corner of his eye “Last time I checked whores don’t have much of a say in how their clients fuck them. Lay there and look pretty, moan for me, scream for me, but for fucksake whatever you do just don’t talk. You’re driving me crazy.” He pulled out in one Swift motion before slamming himself back inside, relishing in the cry that left your lips “I’m gonna use your little slut hole and you’re gonna thank me for it aren't you?” His voice deepened as he asked, changing his pace from long and brutal to shallow and fast. When you didn’t answer he slapped your ass harshly and clawed at your back leaving painful, searing red streaks “I said. You’re going to thank me, aren’t you.”

You choked on your tears as you answered, managing to croak out a very quiet “yes, Bucky.” Before burying your face back into the pillow in embarrassment from the sound of how ruined your own voice sounded. You took a deep breath in, taking in the lingering scent of Bucky’s cologne. Magnolia, vanilla, leather and petrichor. You chanted the list of fragrances, hoping it would carry you away to a better time. But the sound of his grunting, the sound of his skin colliding with yours and the painful, heavy sadness weighing on your head was too much for you to think back to the past. You were trapped here, under him as he ruthlessly pounded into you.

You felt his once loving cool, metal hand snake around your throat squeezing tightly, you began to choke spit flying from your mouth onto the already tear dampened white pillows “The one good thing about you is you feel so much better than her and you let me do whatever I want to you. You let me choke you.” Bucky gave your throat two strong squeezes before removing his hand to allow you to breathe “she- ah squeezing again? God I’m gonna miss this tight cunt. She’s so vanilla, only missionary, no blowjobs and I practically have to beg her to let me eat her out. But you, you’re a little whore, you'll do anything as long as I pump you full of my cock.” As he finished talking Bucky slammed his hips into your ass, watching it jiggle at the force. He craned his neck down and bit the supple flesh, grinding his teeth and licking the mark before returning to his thrusts, slapping your ass just to hear you yelp. You squeezed him even tighter every time he slapped your ass and with each moan and cry your voice sounded more and more ruined, you hated that even when he was treating you like dirt your body responded to him and he could draw this much pleasure from you.

The gradual heat that had been rising within you was becoming unbearable and the moans you have been trying to silence we’re now impossible to silence “That’s it. Scream for me.” A deep, guttural moan escaped from his open mouth, his hand on your hip growing stronger, to the point that you could feel bruises sprouting “Fuck. So close. So goddamn close, I need you to milk me with you tight hole.” Bucky’s metal hand moved away from you head and slipped underneath you, gathering your slick and fiddling with your clit with his thumb.

“Ahh! So good! So good, Buck!” His hand that was holding your hips buried itself in your hair before he yanked it at. You screamed in response to the burning in your scalp

“I said no talking you fucking whore!” You sniffled in response, feeling your release draw nearer. You pushed back against him choking out a moan as you came on his cock, your walls pulsing and squeezing around his twitching length. Bucky rammed into you a few more time with uncoordinated thrust, believing out a loud “Fuck!” As he painted your walls white. A whimper crawled from your throat as he pulled out; you could feel his seed leaking out of you. Bucky flopped down on the bed next to you pulling a few tissues from the bedside table to clean himself. An awkward silence permeated through the room. Not once after having sex with Bucky did you feel dirty, but today you did. You felt an indescribable urge to get home and scrub yourself till your skin bleed to even hope to remove the icky, gross feeling spread across your skin.

Slowly you lifted your head from the pillow and carefully laid down on your back, wincing as you reddened bottom came in contact with the quilt. You laid there staring at ceiling, tears making your vision swim. Bucky’s rough hand entwined with yours; he squeezed your hand twice and swiped the pad of his thumb across your knuckles tenderly “She’s pregnant. I thought I should tell you. She's gonna give me that family I’d always dreamed of.” The words that were crawling up your throat died, you died. Your body went rigid at the word, pregnant. Of course she was pregnant. The word made you sick, it made you jealous, it made you a crucible of contempt boiling over a bunsen flame—you were going to explode. “We'll, aren't you going to say anything? I’ve been wanting this for a long time. I thought you’d at least be happy for me.”

“Congratulations.” The voice that came out didn’t sound like you, It sounded robotic, metallic and forced. But that was all you could manage, if you said anymore you might snap and strangle him or go kill her. You hated yourself for hating her. But it didn’t make the nagging belief in the back of your mind that it should have been you. That it was destined to be you. He was yours, you were his. It was meant to be you at the altar, meant to be you telling funny stories at your wedding about how you were childhood friends that went to high school and college together, who both had brewing feelings that you both kept suppressed and when you finally both got the courage to confess you had to move for work, but destiny made it so you would both reunite and jump at the chance to confess. It was meant to be you.

“Thanks.” His tone was bitter “ I can stay a bit longer, but I’ll have to leave soon. She’s waiting for me after all.” He cuddled you close, stroking your hair, probably imagining you were her. Had he imagined you were her this whole time? Was it that painful for him to fuck you?

The amount of thoughts racing in your head made you want to step outside into the chilly night air to cool down, but now was your final chance to be with him and you weren’t going to waste it. You ran you hands across the corded muscle of his back, drawing soothing circles just like he used to do for you when you couldn’t sleep. When sleep made your eyelids heavy you barely put up a fight, you welcomed sleep with open arms, you wanted to be freed from the bleak, harsh reality and enter into a dream world where she was you. Yeah that sounded good.

“Bucky?” You called groggily. There was no reply. You crawled over to his side of the bed, it was still warm, and peered over the edge. His shoes were gone and so were his clothes. You laid back on the bed, your eyes catching sight of a torn bit of paper. You grabbed the paper and unfolded it, your hands trembling as you read it ‘I don’t want to see you anymore, please don’t bother my family. - James’ You read the words over and over praying they would change into another message, but it didn’t work. It only made the pang in your chest throb. You scrunched it in your hand as you curled up into a ball trying to disappear as you soaked up the shadow of his body heat, the memories of him that were lingering in that shadow—high school when he sat with you behind the bleachers in the rain and gave you his varsity jacket to warm you up “I’m your portable heater at this point.” He jested, letting out his signature low husky laugh that made you melt, college when he held you from behind as you cried into your pillow about your college senior boyfriend who dumped you, because he was graduating; you could still feel the phantom of Bucky’s warmth whenever you were sad thanks to that day. The day he stroked your hair and whispered into your ear that “He didn’t deserve you.” And that he’d “never make you feel like this.” Well he had so many times, he was right now. But it hurt even more now, it was over for good. You’d lost him, you were too many years too late and now you were just clutching to fleeting memories, but God if the feelings didn’t sting every time you thought about him. It was hard not to, he’d dominated every significant moment of your life. But now you were barred from his perfect little family.

Slowly you unscrunched yourself from the ball you’d folded yourself into, spreading your body out like a starfish drying out on the beach. Your throat was scratchy from crying and your eyes were heavy and swollen. Everything hurt, but simultaneously you were so numb.

You thought of showering, you thought of searching through your bag for some pain meds, you thought of driving your car off the bridge back to the city. You thought a lot, as you laid there staring at the yellowed patches on the popcorn ceiling from water damage.

You thought so much and so hard that you didn’t even notice you’d started crying, again, you were drowning in your emotions. You were huddled in a lifeboat slowly filling with water, with no sight of land. You were waiting for him to save you, but he wasn’t coming back “I wanna be yours. Just wanna be…”

A disembodied voice continued “Yours. Secrets I have held in my heart, are harder to hide than I thought.” The sweet sound of the man’s singing stops “I thought we were gonna sing together, sweetheart.” There was a soft knocking on the wall next to your head “No more crying okay? Guy was a dick anyway.”

“Who are you?” You questioned, sitting up and pressing your ear against the paper thin wall

“A person who’s also been left out to dry, a person who also needs someone to stop me from drowning. If you want some comfort I can come over; we can just lay here, Y/N.” The way he said your name brought back so many memories, you knew who he was

“Ari?” You asked hesitantly, the man who Bucky said didn’t deserve you all the way back in college was on the other side of the wall. He’d listened to everything. You wanted to evaporate.

The door knob of your room jiggled and then the door creaked open. In the doorway was Ari, droplets of rain trickling down his skin. He dipped his head down so he didn’t hit it as he entered your room, his brown hair was a bit longer than it was in college, his beard a bit fuller, he was much more muscular and his chest was more hairy; but for the most part he was the same, he even still had the same crotchety, yet solemn look on his face “Hiya, Sunshine.” His voice was low and soothing, as if you were the finest China that he was worried about shattering. He closed the door gently and walked over to the side of the bed, crouching down to try to make his bearish figure smaller and less daunting “Long time no see. didn’t think the next time I’d see you would be in a shoddy motel, but life is nothing if not unpredictable, right?”

Tag list: @alina02 @winterslove1917 @unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men @petesey @getwellsoontana @feyfantome @alexxavicry @ashenc-blog @floral-recs @addie5587483 @flamefoxxrecs @adoreyouusugar @teambarnes72 @wintasssoldier @gryffindorqueensworld @aerangi @taramaria @inlovewithremusjohnlupin @teddybearsgrr @raajali3 @godesslaura @alma13-blog @cevansgurl @sojuxxi @aerangi @itwillgetbetter @bean-is-reading @emi11ie @cjand10 @sweetwrathoflilith @royalwriteroftheuniverse

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jqmalikhsgib · 3 months ago

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astrology

eight

note: this chapter is the only chapter im very specific on the reader being poc (a black woman) i even have photos of what reader hair looks like and a few other details. sorry if you’re uncomfortable reading :(

normally the sun bothered you. you loved rainy days and cold weather. it’s been that way since you were a child. your parents never understood why you hated the sun. during summer, whenever the family got ready for vacation, you complained about going anywhere in the heat.

today though, today was different! today you have your date with aaron. you’ve never been happier to see the sunlight. the first thing you did was giggle to yourself. you walk out of your bedroom. aaron must have heard your door open because he came out of his room right after. aaron walked over to you and wraps his arms around your waist.

“how’d you sleep, sweetheart?”

“i slept pretty great. had a dream about our date.”

“yeah?”

you simply nod your head.

“how did it go?”

“it went perfect! you were a gentleman.”

aaron hums as he kisses your neck. you wrap your arms behind his neck. you bit the bottom of your lips. you felt content in your life. aaron made you feel like a schoolgirl all over again. you haven’t felt this much love in such a long time. aaron made you feel special already. you couldn’t explain it but you knew he was going to last forever.

“can’t wait to turn your dream into an reality. until then, what do you have planned?”

“spence and i are gonna go out shopping a bit. he told me about this book signing! it starts in a few. i should actually get dressed.”

“make sure you’re both safe.”

“promise.” you state with a smile. aaron kissed you gently before you’re back in your room to get ready.

when spencer arrives you both head out quickly. you notice spencer has been looking at you the moment he picked you up.

you turned to look at him as you walk towards the bookstore where the signing was being held. you stop in front of him and playfully glare.

“why are you watching me like you’re profiling me, spence?”

spencer head tilts to the side. “you just seem different.”

“different?”

“yeah. you have this weird glow. what’s going on?”

you just shrug your shoulders before opening the door. he follows you questionably. now he’s really curious what’s going on with you. he’s glad that you’re doing better. you seem to feel so confident. more confident than he’s seen you in a while.

he missed seeing that smile. he missed seeing his best friend feeling free.

“what is it spencer?”

“im trying to figure out what it is.”

you run your fingers over a few books.

“and do you have an idea?”

“i have a guess.”

you knew he knew. you can simply tell by the way he’s smiling. plus he’s spencer. he’s smart! you knew he’d figure it out before anyone else. you expected him to.

“and what is it you guessed?”

“i haven’t seen you smile like that for a long time. ever since i saw you a few years back. if i recall you were seeing this guy. you told me you really liked him. but this, this is different. you’re glowing more, smiling more, laughing more. you have been for the last six months since you been here. ive even noticed an fbi agent. more specifically the unit chief has been quite happy too. he’s even left for lunch a few times. which is something he doesn’t do. he’s also tried to leave the office earlier. from that i can guess that you’re both seeing someone at the same time or you’re seeing each other.”

“okay genius! yes. yes we’re seeing each other. our first dates tonight!”

spencer smiles. “do you love him?”

you nod your head gently. spencer hugs you tightly. “im glad that you’re happy. haven’t seen you this happy in so long. i haven’t seen him happy either.”

you simply roll your eyes.

“don’t think i don’t know you! this was your plan all along! wasn’t it?”

“it wasn’t my plan exactly. i just felt like you both had things in common. i knew you could use someone else shoulder to cry on. and he could use someone else to vent to. you two falling in love was all on you.”

you shake your head. “lets go get this autograph, genius!”

later that night you got ready for your date. you wore a beautiful black dress that you thought showed off your curves. you thanked yourself for getting your hair done a week prior to aaron asking you out. you went for a glossy look with your make up. you absolutely loved what you did.

when you walked downstairs you were met with a knock on the door. your eyebrows furrowed confused. you opened the door and smiled. aaron was standing outside the porch with a bouquet of flowers. he hands them to you.

“thank you, sir!”

aaron looks at you in awe. you were the most beautiful woman he’d seen. he grabs a single braid and puts it behind your ear.

“you look beautiful, honey.”

you smiled hugely. hugging him before walking inside to grab a vase. you put water in it before setting the flowers inside.

“thank you. i—i didn’t know exactly what to wear. you haven’t given me a clue on where we’re headed.”

aaron puts his hands on your waist. he kissed you gently. “it’s perfect. are you ready my love?”

you simply nod your head.

when you arrived at the restaurant your eyes widened. you’ve seen places like this in movies. the most expensive restaurants celebrities go to.

you’ve never thought you’d be able to walk into a place like this.

“aaron,”

“what is it honey?” aaron stands over you with a frown.

“are you sure we’re in the right place?”

aaron smiles. “yes.”

“this place looks expensive!”

“nothing but the best for my girl. come on.” aaron takes your hand. you smile as you walk hand and hand into the restaurant. aaron gives them his name before you’ve been seated.

when you’re seated aaron pulls the chair out for you before going to the seat across from you. he orders you a bottle of wine. he waits patiently for your server to come back.

“you really do look lovely, darling.”

“you look amazing too, aar. like the bow tie. it’s sexy.”

aaron smirks. “sexy, huh?”

“mhm! gives me james bond vibes.”

aaron laughs.

“you got a fetish for men in power?”

you simply bite the bottom of your lip. confirming his suspicion.

“honey?”

“what? it’s just sexy. i can’t explain it. it’s something about a man that’s in control. on top of that you’re like close to a spy ill ever get. i—nevermind.”

“what?”

“this is more of a third date conversation. not a first date.”

“i hate to break it to you, darling. we’re already passed that. we confessed our love to one another.”

you knew he was right. you were just shy. you’ve never been the one to be open when it comes to sex. it’s why your past partners weren’t as good. you never really discussed what you’re into and what is a hard no.

“hey. look at me.”

you look into aaron’s eyes.

“you don’t need to be nervous, baby. tell me what’s going on in that big beautiful brain of yours.”

“ive always had a fantasy. i—past boyfriends never really took full control. i wanna be able to submit to my partner. i don’t know. it’s stupid.” you simply shake your head.

aaron grabs your hand. “hey! don’t do that. it’s nothing wrong with you feeling that way. i understand what you mean, baby. im assuming you feel like you’re always in control?”

“since i was little. i was different than my siblings. they got a little more attention than i did. my brother was more like my mom and sister was more like my father. i was—i wasn’t planned like my brother and sister. sometimes i felt like they only kept me because they felt like they had to. the older i got the more i took care of myself a lot. once i moved around, being a woman alone, i had to be on high alert. i guess i just want to feel less in control.”

aaron nods understandably.

“i get it. we can try that. as long as you let me know what’s too far, baby. i want you to feel pleasure in every way.”

“i understand. can we um—could we save this conversation when we’re in private?” you felt like people were staring. you knew it was all in your head but you couldn’t help how you felt.

aaron simply hums.

“how’s your project going?”

“this new client wants a family portrait. i have a photo of them but im always more comfortable with seeing someone right in front of me. makes the art work feel more natural.”

“have you discussed this with the family?”

you nod. “unfortunately the father is overseas. it sucks but i understand.”

aaron hums. “is that the only project you have thus far?”

“no. actually i have a fur client! aaron. the cat is so cute and fluffy! the owners gonna bring her around in two weeks. she’s a sister of one of the moms i met at jacks school. i haven’t drawn an animal so it’s gonna be new for me. not challenging but very new.”

“i can’t wait to see it. have you gotten anymore calls?”

“yes. i have my card out to plenty of people. especially the parents at school.”

“be careful though, honey. don’t just give your card away to anyone.”

you knew he was protecting you. with the things he’s seen you knew he just wanted you to be safe. you grab his hand and kiss the back of it.

“i will. promise.”

aaron smiles at you lovingly. the two of you continue conversation before you order and your food arrives. you talk about pretty much everything. aaron tells you about his childhood a little. he talks about when jack was born. you both discuss what you’re gonna do when for jacks birthday coming up.

once you finished dinner aaron payed the bill. he grabbed your hand and you both walked out of the building.

aaron opens the passenger door for you. you thanked him before getting in. he walks over to the driver seat. he drives off.

“where to now?”

“hmm? im thinking we should head home. got a little gift for you i left in my room.”

“really? could i get a hint?”

“lets just say you’ll love it.”

“aar?!” you moan dramatically.

“honey?!” he mimics you.

you roll your eyes at him. when you get home you try to beat aaron to the door. he’s quicker though.

he unlocks the door. you’re right behind him. you head upstairs. you let him know you’re going to change. he simply nods his head.

you close your bedroom door and sigh nervously. you get in the shower and clean your body nervously. when you get out you gently run your hands through the lingerie piece. you’ve never worn anything like this before. you never had the confidence to do so.

aaron made you feel confident. you weren’t exactly skinny. you were always on the thicker side. some guys you’ve dated had made it known. two of your ex’s never cared much. they had a bit of a fetish when it came to your weight but the last man you dated made you feel much more insecure.

he’d always comment on your weight gain or the the stretch marks or the cellulite on your thighs and ass. it’s what stopped you from dating for awhile. now you feel completed.

you knew aaron couldn’t have cared any less about your weight. you were still quite nervous. you sigh as you slip on the outfit and grab your robe. you wrap it around yourself as you walk towards aaron’s bedroom. you gently knock.

when he opens the door he was now wearing a simple white t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. he looked beautiful.

aaron smiles. he grabs your hand and walks you in his room. you smile.

“where’s my gift?”

aaron walks over and to his dresser and hands you a small red box. you look at his suspiciously before opening it. you gasped at the necklace.

you remembered telling aaron you’ve never dated in high school. you told him you felt like you missed the whole high school dating experience.

you’ve always wanted the cheesy boyfriend and girlfriend experience. one where you give each other gifts and jewelry. “ive always wanted a necklace with my boyfriends name on it. i know it’s corny but, its romantic.”

you look at the necklace that has his name. you smile hugely. “baby?”

“you like it?”

“i love it!”

aaron grabs the necklace. you move your hair out of the way. he puts the necklace on and clips it. aaron kisses the back of your neck.

“thought id be a little corny.” he states with a smirk. you turn around. giving him the most passionate kiss ever. he kisses you back with equal passion. aaron runs his hands down your back before untying your robe. you shrug it off your shoulders. he steps back and admired you.

you begin the wrap your arms around yourself shyly. aaron moves your hands.

“none of that. you’re beautiful. absolutely stunning.” he whispers.

he gently caress your face. he kisses you gently. he licks the bottom of your lip asking for access. you allow him. he lifts you. you wrap your legs around his waist. he gently sets you down on his bed. he continues to kiss you before he pulls away. he kisses the back your neck softly.

you sigh contently. aaron runs his hands on your body. he gently caress your left boob. he kisses your shoulder before slowly lifting your one piece off. he groans before sucking on your left nipple. you hold him closer. mouth open wide, you’ve never felt so comfortable with another man like this.

aaron finally shift to your other nipple. when he’s finished he lifts his hand and open your mouth. you gently suck on two of his fingers. he rubs his fingers against your cunt. gently getting the fill on you.

“god, you’re so wet. is this for me baby?”

“mhm.”

aaron gently rubs his fingers against your clit. you grunt.

“you want to give up control, sweetheart? want me to dominate you?”

“please?”

aaron slowly slips his his middle finger inside you. “gotta tell me it feels good, baby. let me know how good i make you feel.”

“one more. please?”

aaron obliged. he sticks another finger inside. he starts to fuck you slowly. he kisses you down your body until his face is right near your cunt. he sucks on the inside of your thigh.

“please?”

“please what, baby? tell me what you want exactly.”

“need your mouth, aar. please?”

he hums. aaron gives you a kitten lick. he groans before he dives right in. he sucks on your clit. your body moves side to side. aaron holds you down. he continues to eat you out as if it’s his last meal.

he pulls back slightly. “god, you taste so good. so fucking good, baby.” he dives right back in. you grip his hair. you run your fingers through it.

his tongue felt so good against you. you were so close. he starts to fuck you with his fingers once more. he felt you tighten around him.

“gonna cum?”

“yes.”

“come on then, baby.”

aaron fucks you harder before your legs start to shake. he starts to kiss you.

“aaron?”

“what is it, sweetheart? tell me?”

“want you.”

aaron lifts himself up. he discard his t-shirt and pull his sweatpants off. your eyes widened. you’ve never been with a man as big as aaron. his cock was red and angry. you could see his veins. he stood about eight inches and the girth was pretty thick. you were quite nervous.

aaron kisses you reassuringly. “it’s okay. we can stop right now if you’d like? just gotta let me know.”

you simply shake your head. “don’t wanna stop. just—you’re bigger than i could have imagine.”

aaron gives you a small smile. “i’ll go slow. won’t hurt you.”

he reaches for his bedside and grabs a condom. he opens the packet and slips the condom on.

“you ready for me, honey?”

you nod your head slowly. aaron teases you by rubbing the head of his cock against your slit. you moan softly. he slowly slips the head of his cock inside you. he pushes inch by inch. he kisses you softly as he fucks you gently.

you wrap your arms around him. he swallows your moans as he pulls out of you before pushing into him once more.

“oh, fuck.”

“yeah?”

“please, aar. harder?”

“you want me to fuck you harder baby? how bad do you need it?”

“need it so bad. you feel so good inside me.”

aaron fucks you deeper and rougher. he puts his hand around your neck. you grunt. your eyes rolls in the back of your head.

“god dammit. your pussy is so fucking tight and wet. just so perfect, baby. feels like it’s made for me.”

you’ve never been vocal during sex. but aaron just does something for you.

“was. made just for you, aar. i belong to you.”

“holy fuck! say that again honey.”

“my body and soul belong to you, baby. im yours.”

you swore you can feel him in your belly. you rest your hand down your stomach and your suspicions were confirmed.

“aar.”

“yes, honey?” he grunts into your neck. you grab his hand and place it on your belly. he grunts as he feels his cock.

“you’re so deep, baby. gonna come for you.”

“me too. so close. love your pussy so much. my pussy!”

“yours!”

“i won’t go so easy on you next time baby. right now im making love to your body. treating it like a princess. next time im gonna fuck you, yeah? fuck you like my pretty little slut, yeah? that’s what you want?”

“mhm! want that so bad.”

“good girl. my good little baby. god. wanna come in you next time. wanna go in you raw.”

“want that too! aaron, ‘m coming.”

aaron grunts. “shit! me too. fuck, baby.” aaron cums inside the condom as you cum around him.

he bury’s his head in your neck before slowly pulling out of you.

“i love you, honey.”

“i love you too, baby.”

he wraps his arms around your waist. he kisses your shoulder. aaron runs his fingers up and down your shoulders.

“goodnight, princess.”

“goodnight.”

you fall asleep in aaron’s arms. feeling a piece of happiness and calmness.

so this chapter literally took me all night. i started at like 8:30pm and just finished at 5:44am. yikes! to be fair though i am watching criminal minds at the same time as writing this.

i should head to bed though. i hope you guys enjoy this. next chapter will be the couple telling jack

night babies <3

#jqhotchner #jqhotchner masterlist #aaron hotchner x fem!reader #aaron hotchner x black!reader #aaron hotchner series #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch imagine #aaron hotchner x black fem!reader #astrology jqhotchner

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rapid-f1re · 4 months ago

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If you wanna hear me rant about my experience at slashs serpent tour, go ahead. I feel like this is way too corny and cheesy to tell anyone else but those who wanna hear it

This was no doubt the best experience of my life. I went there thinking I was gonna see my idol, maybe cry a little bit. I waited about 2 hours for him to come on stage, and holy FUCK was it worth it. Everyone there was old, but so happy. I was happier. To say I was crying was an understatement, I was sobbing, hysterically. I didn’t really care if the people around me heard. I can’t describe the feeling, it was everything all at once. There’s a script from sauls book

“recognized my own creative voice filtered through those six strings, but it was also something else entirely. Notes and chords have become my second language and, more often than not, that vocabulary expresses what I feel when language fails me. The guitar is my conscience, too-whenever I've lost my way, it's brought me back to center; whenever I forget, it reminds me why l'm here.”

Knowing that slashs stepdaughter recently passed, it’s been a miracle that he’s still willing to preform and put on such a good show. In his guitar solos, you could really hear the sorrow through his playing. It was the most intimate, emotional experience iv ever had, even though he’ll never know what that moment meant to me. It felt like he was speaking directly to me, a language that you can understand if you only look past it just being a “cool guitar solo”. At the end, slash played on an electric piano and holy FUCK, it still had the same emotion that played through his guitar. Of course, I was in tears listening to it. It was the end of the concert and everyone was out of their seats. Of course, I ran up to the front row and watched before a security guard gently lead me back just out the front row. what I’m pissed about; after he finished the show and was walking off, he threw a bunch of picks and shit into the crowd. I was still in belief that I wasn’t allowed in the front row, but once I realized I could’ve gone up a little bit it was too late, didn’t catch anything. Still, seeing him jump around on stage and play so lively seriously impressed me. If I was in his position, I probably wouldn’t leave the house for weeks. Much less be on tour…

while he was on stage I thought about the traumatic experiences he wrote in his book, thought about the all the interviews he was in and every sad/weird story iv heard of him and realized that all this history was infront of me not even 40 meters away. The experience was surreal: sounded how heaven felt. while everyone was walking away from the venue, they decided to play “we’ll meet again.” Can you guess what I did? Cry. I felt like such a baby tonight lmao, never cried that much in my life

anyways, the concert was fuckin amazing and exceeded my already disgustingly high bar for concerts.

#slash gnr #slash serpentine🐍#axl rose #gnr #gnr concert #diary #girlblogging #girlblog #slash guns n roses #serpent festival #Slashs snakepit

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exoticalmonde · 7 months ago

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LUNDInium Outskirts /but it's her insane doodles/ PART IV

Me: *Casually watching my operators work on ZT-7 farming* Me: *Looks away for a second* Lessing: "Du kannst rennen, aber ich werde weiter jagen." Me:

I forgot I set all the Leithanien characters to German the day before...

--- Me: *In the base* Poz: "Doctor, if you insist on spending time together, how about we talk about your favourite books?" Me: *Pushes everything off my desk to clear space* "You just need to ask!"

--- There is no doodle for this one, but since it's HorseUncleTM merch, I wanted to show it off because the last part didn't actually feature what I was shown and how insane it looks knowing she has her entire desk COVERED with them.

---

How is RI-13 not broke yet living in holes, who knows...? Perhaps the rumours are correct and Dr. Lundi really dealing secretly with firearms on the black market of Sargon. ---

The event of Dr. Lundi half-crying on the bus back home because she couldn't stream to us BUYING the SKIN will be a core memory created based on eternal friendship. I will never be happier to wake up than I am when I see an 'Eve, can I be soggy again?' before being bombarded with Mlynar details and ramblings regardless of what I say.

There's a lot to unpack but I can't possibly ever talk about Mlynar the same way Lundi does in VC. She pulls up receipts proof of her words as well every time she mentions something.

--- We also have a new Pinkie sticker! Wahoo team!!!

Based on this --- Based on this post about our Arknights Yumeship's kid being bullied, I had a little spiral and was just thinking about different scenarios. Out of all the answers given, Kryo's is most direct and... very in character towards his sarkaz/draco child.

Lundi's also leaning towards physical aggression, instant retaliation for their little baba horse.

And then I just... imploded... (This was on the basis of the parents trying to justify their child's behaviour)

While Pinkie is not too interested on the aspect of children we've been trying to involve them more in the Yumeship questions just because their relationship with Swire/Chen is SO wholesome but they're shy to actually indulge. It's alright, we will always be there for the sugarbaby ultramind that is our friend.

You can see this conversation was very important to me.

Which is why this ART IS SO CUTE IM CRYING I LOVE THEM

---

Vigorously searched for the video, but basically, me and the Team were watching Unusual Memes from this one channel and one of them was of a guy who walked up to his neighbour/friend's home camera and said 'Well, you DON'T get to decide when to party, I want you around now.' And well... if that isn't Lundi pulling Dr. Eve out of bed during some of her emotional episodes.

In reference to this, Dr. Pinkie was upset Lundi wasn't just breaking down my door because she usually does that without asking. So some edits were applied and a part 2 has been added:

We all loved everything about this. Thank you Pinkie for always being some of the best designers and always editing things in the funniest way possible.

Me: "It looks like I'm getting kidnapped." Lundi: "Child napper."

... ... ... I JUST NOTICED THIS GIF WAS CREATED??!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'M GETTING TURNED INTO SOURDOUGH HELP ME --- Pinkie stealing Dr. Lundi's food.

--- God forbid I ever sneeze in call

--- And as some of the final doodles there's for this part, allow me a little TW about bugs because I am absolutely terrified of this thing and I am afraid that its arms are longer than mine so I can't even come into reach to kill it.

It's not my fault people make shelves so high up.

#arknights #doctor of ri shenanigans #arknights event #doctor arknights #friendship #friendship banter #memes #arknights gacha #doodles by Lundi #I do not draw any of this #mlynar arknights #arknights pozemka #arknights yumeships #arknights executor #Dr. Lundi #Dr. Eve #Dr. Pinkie #Dr. Kryo

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imaginespazzi · 4 months ago

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hiii!!! first time anon and silent fan and follower of ALL ur fics!!! ive reread GH a billion times its so damn good your characterisation is impeccable and the way u write angst UNPARALLELED i live for it! every update from you makes MY day i live in australia so i wake up every Tuesday morning and allocate the first 20mins of my morning to a new chapter☺️☺️☺️

ANYWAYS decided i need to show my appreciation FOR CHAPTER 6 as it is 1000+/10 so here is my long review:

- Love love love all the description around the wedding details - to be known is to be loved and it’s only been a year…how could Olivia possibly know Paige the way azzi does. She really never stood a chance🫢

- Drew being “sick” and later saying “so she’s not stopping the wedding” - so endearing he just wants his pookie sister in law😭😭 i NEED an angsty scene with him and azzi in present time (how old would he be? Teens/early 20’s) where he’s clearly resentful about how everything went down

- Man Tim and Katie🥹🥹🥹 the NECKLACE my heartttttt. So gracious and supportive..would love to know if there was a part of them crushed by Paige not ending up their daughter in law

- Finding out on instagram about the pregnancy is insane i would have to be put down. Surely azzi did not find out about the wedding over instagram…surely……pls…..

- “the first thing you’re gonna see is your smile. And you’re gonna think it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Just like I do” Paige’s way with words…Paige just can’t help it but ur heart breaks for azzi having to hear such beautiful things from her EX

- Paige crying alone in the tent crushed under the weight of both Azzi and Stephie in her heart ugh

- MAYBE MY FAVOURITE DIALOGUE YOUVE WRITTEN: Why is your daughter like this?” Paige demands, “how is she gonna make me cry and then send somebody else to wipe my tears.” “Why couldn’t she just have stayed?” the blonde questions, “why does she always have to overthink things and make it more complicated? Why can’t she just listen to her heart once in her fucking life? Why can’t she just let herself live? Why is it always no with her and never just yes?” - it’s v poetic but you’ve somehow managed to write it in a way that isn’t clunky but feels SO REALISTIC I can literally see the regressed 20 something version of Paige complaining to her defacto MIL about her girl problems. AMAZING

- NVM best dialogue you’ve ever written: “it’s the same one Tim had when he first met Azzi.” how does ur brain work like this?!!???????

- Steph guest appearance YAY! I wonder whether Steph ever makes fun of Azzi for how she named her child, or if they were already closer at that point. UNCLE TWIN☺️

- Naur Paige falling to her knees to catch Stephie - down astronomically bad it’s literally been a day i love them sooooooo much

- And then I yelled at Mama and it made Mama cry too and I hate making Mama cry.” - Paige and Stephie have so many similarities (purple, mint icecream etc) but the biggest thing - they BOTH love Azzi so much 🥺🥺🥺 what a privilege and simultaneously a terrifying prospect… that you are two people on the planet that can have the greatest capacity to impact her (both positive and negative)

- “that’s okay ‘cause I don’t miss.I’m Azzi Fudd’s daughter. Right Mama?” “Right baby,” This made me clucky fr! Stephie is spectacular give me 14 rn 👩‍🍼👩‍🍼👩‍🍼👩‍🍼👩‍🍼

- The constant theme of Azzi being content, having enough but not having everything she wants💔 she’s sacrificed so so much it hurts me how scared she is to accept that she could be happier

- I am a SUCKER for the trope where person 1 cannot stand seeing person 2 having a meltdown and person 2 goes to leave but person 1 cannot bear the thought of letting them go and hugs them ugh this story is like a MOVIE

- “You want me to say that I flew to Dallas once to tell you that I fucked up but then I saw you with Olivia and decided you deserved better than me-” the parallels to the UCLA fic and Paige seeing Azzi with Zoe..need to see this scene written PLEASE

- “It’s never too late for us,” Paige whispers before crashing her lips against the woman” Oh Lord here we go. This lowkey shocked me cannot lie - was NOT expecting this. V v curious about the aftermath of this….before day 1 of practise is CRAZY.

ANYWAYS WOW v v long review but i just needed to show my appreciation for this masterpiece! please know that this fic brings me infinitesimal joy and i cannot wait for the next chapter!!!!!!!!❤️❤️❤️

OMG HI FRIEND (or I guess I should say mate like Australians lol?)!! Welcome to my inbox!

No one knows Paige the way Azzi does because Paige won't let anyone see her the way she lets Azzi see her

Drew is so absolutely done with these two dumbasses and had to make it very clear. I think Paige-Azzi were such an example to him and to have that taken has really made him cautious about love at the very raw age of 20 (that's how old he'd be in 2033 right?)

Paige always says the right things, the timing just isn't always the right one.

AH omg honestly it means much to me that you think my dialogues are realistic. Especially ones like that one where it's kinda heavy, I'm always a little self-conscious that maybe it sounds too speech-y and fake so I'm so glad it doesn't come off that way.

I think Steph and Azzi grew pretty close before Stephie because he was already her mentor but once she actually got to Golden State, he really took her under her wing and became more family than just mentor (Steph possibily teared up at the idea of Azzi naming her daughter after him)

Quite LITERALLY down bad lmao

The thing with Azzi, I think, is that she's a little scared to be loved. Like Azzi holds both Paige and Stephie's hand in the palm of her hands, and she's scared that she'll accident hold them too hard and crush them.

I do think there will be a flashback to Azzi flying to Dallas but tbd which chapter!

LMAO they're not very good at the taking it slow thing are they?

You are so very sweet and I appreciated this so very much!

#ask #fic talk #feel free to pick an emoji if you're planning on staying (which I hope you do!) <3

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gloomy-prince · 11 months ago

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hey, i know you probably get messages like this alot but i kinda felt like i wanted to say this

im completely new to your blog and found it on pure accident, ive never even been interested in IT or interacted with it in any way!! (now im thinking i might give it a try)

and uh i stumbled upon your trans Eddie comics and just, holy. shit

im a transmasc guy/person (he/they) and i just, broke down crying while reading it all? lol. it just hit so insanely close to home i dont know how to describe it. the feeling of looking in the mirror and immediately ruining your entire day, pushing other people away despite them trying, being attracted to men but always having that thought of "he'll see me as a girl. he obviously wouldnt be attracted to me if hes gay" and "im not enough of a guy to be in a gay relationship" if that makes sense???

just alot of feelings ive been horrified about confronting, laid out infront of me, someone going through it with alot more support than i ever had, it was- alot, but not in a negative way!! in a weird sort of way, Eddie being comforted, comforted me in turn. knowing HIS feelings are valid and how Richie acts, made my feelings seem more valid and also made me feel this deep jealousy paired with genuine hope that one day i could have something similar. just maybe.

i know this sounds depressing but it wasn't, i cried yeah but afterwards i felt so much better and im slowly unraveling everything regarding my feelings rn. hoping ill find someone like Richie in my life

and, thank you, genuinely.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I'm really glad it could be cathartic for you!! Getting asks like this makes me really happy every time since, well, I'm basically imprinting a lot of my experiences and emotions onto him through this comic... so knowing a lot of other people can relate, and it might even be helpful for them to read, is really nice and makes me smile (and maybe also want to cry, lol)... I hope that you will find someone like him soon, because you definitely deserve it!!

P.S. if you choose to watch/read... half of my reasons for wanting to make the comic was to give them a happier ending since the canon one is not... so fair warning to you 💔

#gloomy asks

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builtbybrokenbells · 5 months ago

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belladonna | iv

Too beautiful to resist, and too deadly to survive; the tragic tale of belladonna in all its glory.

Masterlist | Taglist

Pairing: Danny Wagner x f!reader, f!reader x OC

Word Count: 16k

Warnings: mentions of toxic/abusive parents, mentions of/toxic relationships, mentions of criminal activity/criminal records, poverty, fighting/name calling, crying, arguing, mentions of homelessness, mentions of physical violence, mentions of blood, mentions of AA/NA, NA meetings, heavy descriptions of addictions, use of/mentions of drugs, mentions of relapsing, mentions of OD, mentions of drinking, flirting, mentions of hookups/sex, smoking, depression/anxiety, mental health struggles, fluff, swearing, sorry if I miss any!!

hi lovelies!! so happy to be back with this. i missed belladonna dearly but needed some time away from it to get my head straight. i hope you like this, and please heed the warnings for this chapter! as always, be kind, enjoy, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes 🫶🏻

May 9th, 2022 - 3:31 AM

The chime of the bell above the main entrance caused a brief pause in Dylan’s story, the silence hanging heavy over the entire kitchen for a few uncomfortable seconds. You looked across the room, your eyes burning into the girl leaned over the metal countertop. She was focused on a video playing on her phone, completely ignoring the three sets of eyes now settled on her. You took in a long breath, calming your nerves before you spoke, keeping your tone as nice as possible.

“Don’t worry Katie, I’ve got it.” You rolled your eyes, pushing past the two boys standing in your way. Dylan scoffed, just as peeved as you were about Katie’s lack of interest in her job. As your conversation got cut short for the millionth time and you made your way into the dining room, he took the time to send the middle finger to Katie across the kitchen.

You had been running all night to serve customers, and she didn’t seem to care much at all. On top of that, it was exceptionally busy for a Friday graveyard, but you accredited it to the unusually warm and sunny skies during the day. Now that summer was nearing its beginning, the town was bustling with people who were eager to get out of the house after being holed up all winter. Thankfully, that also meant that the Fox’s summer hours for the staff had begun, turning your 6-6’s into 4-4’s. The mornings needed much more staff due to the more demanding crowd, and there wasn’t enough people willing to work the nights. Years ago, John had created the schedule to appease his workers, and now it was second nature.

So far, you were enjoying the opportunity to get off work earlier, usually because Danny had taken to picking you up after your shift and going home with you, or vice versa. Together, you’d sleep away the early morning and wake up side by side. You weren’t sure if it was the fact that you were getting more sun, or if you were just happier because you spent most of your days delicately intertwined with Daniel and his lifestyle. Over the last few days especially, you were beginning to feel like an entirely different person.

Instead of waking up cold and hungry, you were often too warm, which was a problem you’d never known. Your belly was full, but not with an abundance of food. Instead, you were completely full of joy, which was also something you never had much experience with. NA meetings went back to once a month, because the usual horror that followed you was nowhere to be found. Life, including all of your usual struggle, was not gone completely, but it was much easier to digest now that you had someone to hold your hand along the way.

Danny and Sam had become part of your daily routine, but you still failed to make anything official with the boy you cared so much about. He spent so many hours sitting at the diner, slipping you love notes on recycled paper and crumpled receipts, and nearly every night beside you in bed. Most of your days were devoted to creating new memories with him, yet you were frozen with fear at the idea of putting a label on it. Although sex was plentiful, and so were sweet nothings and date-like activities, the two of you carried on as if you were friends. The idea of the end constantly loomed over your head, and the debilitating feeling of uncertainty never fully fled.

You loved your relationship with Danny, and you loved all of the memories you shared. You loved his company, and nearly every single thing about him, but you could not shake the thought that he might leave if you let him get too close. He already knew so much about your life that you intended to keep hidden from him, and you were committed to knowing him for as long as his stay in New York allowed. By sharing the worst parts of you, you risked scaring him away. By letting him get too close, you risked hurting yourself even more than you were preparing for. By making it official, you would ensure that his departure at the end of the summer would be fatal.

So, you opted to stick to your original plans; enjoy him while you could, and let him go when the time was right. It was the only way to ensure that your heart was properly protected.

As for your current shift at the Fox, it was as normal as it could be. Considering the recent tension between you and Vincent, it was actually pretty good. That night, he was quite amicable about his feelings about your current relationship, and even took the extra step to make small talk with you. Perhaps after days of complete silence from you, he realized he actually had the capability of missing you. Of course, you did not dwell on that thought for too long, because you couldn’t allow yourself to feel special, especially on his behalf. After the three day stretch of working together and avoiding each other at all costs, he seemed fed up with the tension constantly lingering in the air. Since the start of your Sunday night shift, he had presented himself as approachable and even friendly at times. Within a few hours, you were joking around with him the same as you did so long ago, before your relationship turned sour.

It made you realize that despite your dislike of his behavior, you still loved him as a person. Laughing with him was nice, and talking to him was something you missed, so long as the conversation was good. When business was slow, you found yourself caught in constant conversation with Dylan and Vincent in the kitchen, sharing cigarettes and stories you had missed out on due to the lull in friendship. As for Katie, she’d gotten to work (late, of course), and she hadn’t served a single table, including the ones in her section. Only part of you was angry, knowing the tips flowing your way would be generous, yet you couldn’t help but grow more irritated at her with every customer. You were tired, and more than that, you wanted to keep talking to your friends, to hear what they had been up to in your absence.

You pushed your way through the swinging half door, giving it more force than originally intended. It ricocheted off the wall, sending an echoing slam through the room. With a smile on your face, you hoped to cover up the moment of anger with a facade, praying that you could convince the customer the slam of the door was a mistake. When you looked upwards at the front door, your fake smile dropped into an expression of relief.

“What, no smile for me?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at you as you continued to walk towards him.

“Sorry, I can go back and try again if you’d like?” You offered, now within arms reach of him. He scoffed at the idea, already stepping forward to greet you.

“No, I think that’s okay.” He grinned, wrapping his arms around you as you collapsed into his hold. “Long night?”

“You have no idea.” You muttered, closing your eyes as his cologne surrounded you. If there was one thing Danny was good at, it was making you feel better just by existing. Over the weeks you had spent with him, his arms felt more like home than any building ever had, and the hints of citrus clinging to his skin was more euphoric than any drug you had ever tried.

“I’d kiss you, but I don’t want to start a fight.” He whispered just loud enough for you to hear, already noticing Vincent’s burning stare through the kitchen window.

“Probably a good idea. Things haven’t been too bad with him today.” You nodded, your words muffled from your face pressed to his chest. Then, you realized how utterly ridiculous it was that the two of you were in desperate need of secrecy all in hopes of keeping someone else in good spirits. Vincent was not your boyfriend, and you were not his property. If you wanted to kiss Danny, you were free to do so, and Vincent should not get a say in the matter at all. “Is it bad that I don’t even really care anymore?”

“No, don’t think so.” He shook his head. “But I don’t want the rest of your night to be ruined.”

“But it would make it so good right now.” You were nearly pleading with him. He gave a low chuckle, parting from you just enough to look down at your face. He raised his hand to your cheek, cupping it for a moment as he brushed his thumb over the tired skin. He wanted it just as bad as you did, but he knew better than to put you in such a position.

“If you can survive another,” he paused, looking down at his watch. “Thirty minutes, you can come over and we can do whatever you want.” He offered, subconsciously checking over your shoulder as he continued to worry about pushing boundaries.

Danny was not scared of Vincent, but he knew that if he did as you asked, you would face many more consequences than he would.

It was not an act of cowardice, but rather one of great care.

“Whatever I want?” You raised an eyebrow, smirking at his open-ended offer.

“I’m a man of my word, am I not?”

“So far, yes.” You nodded, grinning softly. “You want something to eat?”

“Not really.” He shook his head, still mindful of the set of eyes burning into him.

“Drink?” You tried again, nodding towards the soda machine behind the front counter.

“Live to please, Utah?” He chuckled, stepping to the side and taking a seat at a booth. While he did so, he did not dare look away from your face, scared to miss a single second of admiring you.

“Only for you.” You shot back, grabbing a bucket of sanitizer and a cloth from the counter to wipe off the tables. You loved when Danny came to visit, mostly because he was excellent company to keep while you puttered about your mind-numbing tasks. That, and he was nice to look at, of course.

“I like the sound of that.” He hummed, watching the sway of your hips as you walked towards the soda dispenser, placing a cup underneath and picking one at random. When the bubbles settled, you grabbed a paper straw between your fingers. Carefully, you walked it over and placed it in front of him. He barely gave the cup a sideways glance, still too busy watching you.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” You said, dipping the tip of your finger in the sanitizer water, carefully withdrawing it and flicking the droplet of liquid at him. He barely flinched at the action, grinning up at you as he spoke again.

“You have a guide to middle school insults in your back pocket? Been waiting for a chance to use that one all night, or what?” He teased, watching you as you leaned over the table to swipe away any dirt from the surface. You couldn’t help but notice his eyes trailing down over your collarbones, settling on the exact spot where your shirt pulled away from your chest. Gravity was helping you in keeping his attention, but it wasn’t like you were trying very hard in the first place.

“Yeah, been studying it all day, actually.” You grinned, looking over at him through the corner of your eye. “You want to check what else I have in my back pocket?” You asked, swaying your hips towards him only slightly. It was so miniscule that you weren’t even sure if he noticed it, but you were foolish to think he would miss even the smallest of movements from you.

In the kitchen, Dylan was beside himself with laughter at the sight of your shameless flirting, knowing that in all of his personal efforts, he’d never gotten such a response from you. Vincent, on the other hand, was not as keen on watching.

With a hard-set jaw and a sick stomach, his foot collided with the mop bucket. The filthy water inside sloshed, spilling over the sides onto the grimy tiles of the floor. Dylan looked back over his shoulder, wondering what the commotion was. As his eyes landed on Vincent, green with envy and crimson with rage, a sorrowful grimace crossed his lips.

He did not know because Vincent willingly told him, but it was not hard to piece together the root cause of Vincent’s ill feelings.

“I should go out there and beat his fuckin’—“ Vincent cut himself off, slamming his fist down on the industrial sinks. The sound of the impact lingered in the air, but it did not compare to the sound of Vincent’s breaking heart.

“You should calm the fuck down.” Dylan corrected, placing a firm hand on his shoulder so he could not swing on another inanimate object. Vincent shook him off, the feeling of his touch only furthering his anger.

“Don’t tell me what to do, asshole.” Vincent seethed through his heavy breaths. “That’s my girl out there.”

“She ain’t nobody’s girl, idiot.” Dylan argued further, the scowl decorating his face telling of his own discontent with Vincent’s actions. “She don’t belong to you, or me, or him. She can do whatever the fuck she wants, and you better not get in her way this time, or I swear to god I’ll kill ya’ myself.”

“Fuck does that mean?” Vincent stepped forward, nose to nose with Dylan in the moment of high tension. Both boys were ready to swing on each other, blinded by their own opinions and unable to reach any common ground.

“That means,” Dylan said, towering over the other boy as he used his size to his advantage. “She’s tryin’ to be happy, and you ain’t helping.” Vincent seemed to freeze at the thought, his anger fleeing him momentarily. At the idea of being exactly what you were trying to get away from, his throat seemed to close on itself and his blood ran cold. “I get that ya love her, man. She’s hard not to love, but you ain’t doin’ her any good. She asked you to clean yourself up, cause she can’t run with that stuff anymore. You want her so bad, do it. If not, let her go.”

“She’s asking too much of me, Dyl. This is all I’ve ever known, and she keeps sayin’ she loves me, but how can she love me if she don’t want me as I am?” Vincent spoke, calmer than he was moments before.

“She’s asking for what she needs, Vin. If that’s too much for you, then don’t do it, but you don’t get to stay in the middle, mad ‘cause she won’t bend to your rules. If you don’t want to see her with someone else, try.”

Dylan was speaking the truth, but Vincent had never been keen on listening to anyone other than himself.

“Don’t wait until she’s too far gone. Try, Vincent, but don’t you dare go and try breakin’ those two up, ‘cause I won’t be this fuckin’ nice. Get clean, cause she deserves better than this.” Dylan finished, pushing Vincent away from him as he spoke, silently letting him know the conversation was done.

“Fine,” Vincent grumbled, steadying himself on his feet after the harsh shove. “You’ll do it with me?” At that, Dylan let out a laugh, loud and offensive to Vincent’s genuine intentions.

“Fuck no.”

Dylan had used up every bit of common sense he could find, and unlike Vincent, getting clean had not only never been a priority for him, but a thought that never even crossed his mind.

𓇢𓆸

May 9th, 2022 - 4:17 AM

“Shhh,” you whispered, calming Danny down from a fit of laughter caused by a well-timed joke. As he bit his tongue, he closed the front door of the Airbnb behind him. Sam was asleep, long before Danny even left to go to the Fox, and you wanted to be extra cautious to avoid waking him.

“It’s just Sam,” Danny brushed you off, flipping the lock. “He’ll live.”

“I don’t want to give him any reasons to not like me.” You confessed, keeping your tone hushed as you tiptoed towards Danny’s bedroom.

“Are you kidding, Utah? He loves you.” Danny assured you, nearly tripping over himself to open his door for you. You slipped inside the dark room, knowing it better than the back of your hand now. The air was cool, the open window letting the night air in through the mesh screen. Despite the ventilation, the essence of his cologne still lingered around the room, wrapping you in a hug after a long day of being away.

“Exactly why I don’t want to wake him up.” You explained, turning to face the boy hovering by the door. Despite the lack of light, you could still see the definition of his curls, the outline of his nose, and the sharpness of his jaw.

Even in near total darkness, he was stunning.

“Tell me about your day.” He changed the subject, smiling as the glow of the porch light filtered in through the expensive blinds. It hit your face just right, allowing him to admire the softness of your features.

“It was… normal, I guess.” You said, slipping out of your jeans that were filthy from the twelve hour shift. Even as you did so, his gaze never trailed away from your face. You kicked your legs softly, the button scratching against the true wooden floors as they fell away from your ankles. “Very busy.”

“Tell me more.” He pressed further, breaking his attention away from you only for a moment to pull his shirt over his head. His sweatpants sat low on his hips, deliciously tempting as they framed the outline of his hip bones.

“Katie was late.” You shrugged, taking your own shirt off. He threw you the one he had on seconds earlier, knowing not to let it fall to the ground. As it landed in your hands, you noticed the warmth of his body still desperately clinging to the fabric.

“As usual.” He commented, watching as you unclipped your bra and pulled the shirt over your head. Once you were out of your dirty clothes, you sat down on his bed, noticing the softness of the mattress immediately. You would never say it aloud, but you were almost embarrassed to have him stay at your apartment, knowing the springs sticking out of your beaten up mattress could never rival the coziness of his.

“She didn’t serve a single customer all night.” You continued, crawling to the head of the bed and burrowing under the comforter. “So that sucked, but I got wicked tips.” Once you were comfortable, he joined you in the bed, resting his head on the same pillow you were on.

You felt his hand go in search of your thigh under the blanket. The touch was small, and it was innocent, but it felt like a million dollars. His rough fingertips grazed over your cool skin, sending goosebumps over your entire body. You melted into the feeling of him beside you, nudging closer to him until eventually your cheek was pressed to his bicep. Without hesitation, he turned onto his side and lifted his arm, inviting you even closer. You jumped at the opportunity, rolling into him and resting your head on his chest. When his arm dropped, he guided the rest of your body into him with little force.

Although you wanted to keep yourself convinced that the relationship with him was fun and did not come with any strings attached, you knew you were fooling yourself. His arms felt more like home than anything else, and you’d been searching for such comfort since you learned how to walk.

“Vincent actually talked to me tonight.” You added. He didn’t respond right away, but you could feel his heart speed at the mention of his name.

“Did he?” Danny asked, trying to remain calm and supportive over the idea. Although he was not Vincent’s biggest fan, he knew that you cared for him. His biggest worry was not a lack of loyalty, but rather your well-being entirely.

“Yeah, but it was just like it used to be. Like it was when we were friends.” You wanted to assure him that he had nothing to worry about, but the connotation of friendship between you and Vincent was not a comfort at all.

You may have been happy to be friends, but Vincent always seemed to want more.

“What did you do while I was gone?” You asked, letting your fingers trail down his bare stomach. The tickle sent a shiver down his spine, and as you traced shapes into his skin, he felt his heart begin to beat for you in that moment.

“Not a whole lot, really.” He admitted, letting his hand fall to the curve of your back. His fingertips rested above the seam of your underwear, threatening to go further but never crossing the boundary. “Think we wrote a new song.”

“That’s not a whole lot?” You chuckled, craning your head up to catch a glimpse of his face. He looked down, meeting your gaze with a small smile stuck on his lips. “I think it’s a whole lot. I’d like to hear it, whenever you want to share.”

“I’m sure we could make that happen.” He whispered, his eyes flickering to your lips. Without even realizing it, you were leaning upwards, desperate to remember what it felt like to kiss him. “I’d like to take you on a date tomorrow, if you’re interested?” He offered, feeling the tip of his nose graze yours as you continued to gravitate towards him.

“Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?” You asked, so close to him that you could feel the warmth of his breath on your skin.

“Surprise?” He raised an eyebrow, hoping you would go along with it.

“How do I know if I want to go if I don’t know what we’re doing?” You challenged, your lips brushing his as you spoke.

“You trust me?” He offered the idea as if it were something that had never crossed your mind before. His hand drifted downward, cupping your ass in his palm. The feeling sent a rush of arousal through you, despite him barely doing anything at all.

That was just how fantastic he was; he barely had to look your way to have you swooning over him.

“That’s a lot to ask of me, you know.” You said, finally pausing in place. If you moved any closer, the conversation would come to an abrupt end. He chuckled, letting his fingers dip below the waistband of your underwear. The warmth of his skin against yours sent your stomach twisting into knots.

“Anything I can do to convince you?” He asked, smiling ever so slightly as he watched your face.

“A couple things, yeah.” You nodded, continuing the act. One thing you loved about being around Danny was that everything was playful and rarely serious. His company came with the notion of fun, never a dull moment and always lighthearted. It was so different from everything else in your life, and that made it hard not to love it.

He leaned forward, capturing you in the kiss he’d promised you at the diner. Your eyes fluttered closed, your heart speeding in your chest as your abdomen filled with butterflies. It didn’t matter how integrated he was in your daily routine, or how comfortable you were with his company. Every time you found yourself in the position, it seemed to shock your system in the most pleasant ways.

When he pulled away, you noticed his grip on you had tightened every so slightly, silently telling you he felt the same way.

“How was that? You convinced yet?” You gave a soft shrug, continuing to tease him about the same things. You rolled away from him, settling into the mattress as you stared at the ceiling. He chuckled at your sudden movements, but didn’t complain about you parting ways.

“Tell me about your song.” You hummed, feeling the deadly grip of exhaustion begin to take hold. Your eyes burned as you listened to the sound of his breathing, waiting for him to divulge into the story of his music.

“I guess… it’s part of a bigger story, you know? Like the whole album is this big metaphor for life and death, and love, and we’re just trying to find missing pieces of the puzzle so the story can tell itself. It’s about war and peace, and nature too. It’s about everything, and every song is so different but still important. We don’t really decide what the songs are about, the album does.” He rambled, seemingly falling into the same position as he stared at the ceiling. It was like the entire picture was playing out on the warm beige paint that decorated the room, growing more intense as the words left his lips.

“You can’t tell me the meaning of one without knowing the rest of them.” You whispered, looking over at him, in awe of his passion for his music. You watched him nod, happy you understood his words. As he did, your mind tunneled elsewhere, your thoughts digging down to the deepest parts of your brain in search of something you did not know you needed an answer for. You blinked a few times, swallowing your thoughts as they swirled around, seemingly aimless. “The story tells itself.” You mumbled, blinking a few times to process the idea again.

“Yeah,” he agreed again, glancing over at you as he noticed your change in tone.

“Exactly!” You exclaimed, keeping your voice hushed as you scrambled to sit up. Danny’s eyebrows furrowed, confused about what you were talking about and even more confused about your sudden burst of energy.

You twisted your upper half around, reaching to the nightstand on the bedside. In the dark, you fumbled around to find the familiar leather binding of your notebook. When your fingers touched the surface of the journal, you hauled it over and dropped it in your lap.

“I’ve been stuck on the same stupid part of this story for days now. I keep thinking I need to come up with the perfect scene, and I keep changing it because it just doesn’t seem right. It’s not right because it doesn’t fit the story. I stopped the flow, I tried to change the whole mood because I thought the scene needed to be more interesting, but it doesn’t. The story needs to tell itself.”

Much similar to your fictional world, that realization would have served you well in every aspect of your life, specifically when it came to the boy laying next to you. You were trying so hard to shove your feelings down, to equate your care for him to a love of fun, but you were standing in the way of a story that was bound to tell itself sooner or later.

He watched you, smiling at your revelations, but you weren’t paying attention to him anymore. You had already flipped open the cover, finding the pen stuck between pages, and tried your best to keep writing in the dim moonlight filtering through the windows. As an act of love, he reached over and flipped the switch for the lamp beside the bed, ensuring that you wouldn’t strain too much trying to write in the dark. As if he never moved at all, you did not even register the shift in the atmosphere, nor the movement beside you in bed. Within seconds, you were immersed in the imaginary world unfolding on the paper before you.

Danny bit his tongue, holding back any more words so he did not break your focus. He laid back on the mattress, turning on his side to face you. Carefully, he inched closer to the end of the bed and slung his arm over your legs just below where your journal sat. His head rested on the pillow beside your elbow, and he leaned his head forward to place a gentle kiss to your forearm.

His eyes floated upwards, focusing on your determined expression. He studied the furrow of your brow and the purse of your lips as your hand scribbled words on the lines of your paper. He thought you were the most beautiful thing in the whole world, and he would be happy to sit in silence and watch you write for the rest of his life. Under the blanket, his thumb drifted across the soft skin on your thigh, a gentle reassurance that he was overjoyed he had given you a breath of inspiration.

He wanted to tell you that he was your biggest fan, but something inside of him felt that you already knew it.

Just like everything else in the world, the story of you and Daniel was beginning to tell itself, and neither of you had the ability to change the tale along the way.

May 9th, 2022 - 11:26 AM

“Where are you taking me, Daniel?” You asked, reiterating your question for the millionth time. He had his GPS programmed to the Bronx, but everything else had been kept secret since the minute you stepped outside that morning.

“I told you, it’s a surprise. Do you not know what that means?” He chuckled, squeezing your thigh gently. His hand had been permanently anchored there since you took post in his passenger seat, and you were keen on keeping it that way.

“I do, but it doesn’t mean I like it.” You huffed, looking out the window as you watched traffic pass you by. You had been driving for a while now, and if you had it your way, you would drive all day long with him. The intimacy of being alone together in his car was something you had been craving, considering most of the time you were in the living room with him and Sam both. It wasn’t a problem to spend time with Sam, but you would be lying if you said you preferred it over alone time with Danny. “You know we don’t have to do anything fancy. I’d be happy to just spend the day with you like this.”

“I know you would, Utah.” He said, nodding along with your sentiments. “Have you considered that maybe I want to do this?” He raised an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at his lips. “And who said it was fancy? Maybe you’ve got the wrong idea.”

“I wouldn’t have to guess if you’d just tell me!” You exclaimed, rolling your eyes at his stubborn nature. When you couldn’t stand the irritating smile he constantly held any longer, you turned to look out the window, wondering if you could piece together the location just by road signs and familiar directions.

The longer you watched, the more you understood that you would never be able to piece it together, because you rarely left the secure bubble of your poverty stricken suburb. Then, your mind wandered elsewhere as you realized Danny had zero familiarity with the area, even less so than yourself. You turned back to face him, a new thought bugging you as you watched his face.

“Does being so far away from home make you nervous?” You asked, unable to hold back your random curiosity. He glanced over at you from the drivers seat, just finishing sipping at the coffee he’d grabbed when you stopped for breakfast. As he placed it in the cup holder, he gave a small shake of his head.

“No, not really. Guess I’m used to it, now. We’ve been all over the place, playing shows and stuff. It’s fun more than it is scary. I miss home a lot, but I’m not nervous when I’m away.” He replied. You gave a slight nod, processing the information before speaking again.

“I guess… I never really realized how foreign this place was to you. Like, I don’t really come to this part of New York much, but probably still more often than you do.” You explained yourself more, hoping that the words made sense to him. Sometimes, you had an awful habit of struggling to relay thought to speech, and your intent often got jumbled on the journey between the two.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded, clicking on his signal light as he pulled into a cutoff lane. “It is all new, but it’s nice, you know? Only thing I don’t like is having to rely on a map or a GPS all of the time. I get lost all of the time, even on the way from my place to yours sometimes.” He chuckled, the thought striking him as funny.

“Really?” You asked, amazed at the comment. To you, it was second nature to navigate the backroads of your tiny little world, and you never would have guessed that someone would find it difficult to catch on to.

“Yeah,” he nodded, smiling over at you. “I would never be able to find my way to the park we went to on our first date without help.”

“What!?” You exclaimed, laughter mixed in with the shocked question. “Okay, hold on.” You said, reaching down to your bag by your feet, pulling it into your lap as he watched you with curiosity. You pulled your journal out, grabbing at one of the loose pieces of white paper held inside. Then, you grabbed a pen and a highlighter from the very bottom of the bag. You tossed the canvas material of the dollar store tote back on the floor, settling the journal on your lap and the paper atop of it.

“What are you doing?” He laughed, glancing between you and the road as he tried to figure out your next move.

“You’ll see.” You responded, tucking a loose lock of hair behind your ear as you closed your eyes, trying your best to recall the layout of your suburbs from memory. After a moment, you opened your eyes, carefully drawing a few long lines on the paper.

You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth, focusing intently as you mapped out the land as best you could. Eventually, when you were happy with the makeshift roads with the black pen ink, you used the highlighter to draw yellow stars at the most important places. There was a slight shake in your hand, the lines bumpy and messy every time the car made an unexpected move, but you did the best you could with what you had. Once you drew the stars in, you labelled each one, looking it over once before a triumphant smile crossed your lips. You flashed the paper in his direction, knowing he couldn’t focus on it too intently while he drove, but okay with explaining it to him.

“Here’s a map. It’s not a very good map, but it’s a map, nonetheless.” You giggled, throwing the pen and marker back in your bag. He looked up at your gleeful expression, finding his heart swell with affection as he listened to your words. “This is you and Sam,” you pointed to the yellow star in the very top corner of the page. “And if you go down your road and turn onto the highway,” you continued, tracing the long black line with your finger “you get to the Fox.”

“Okay.” He nodded, following along with your words as he remained mindful of the road.

“If you turn up this first street after you pass the Fox, you can go back to the old abandoned school. I haven’t shown you that yet, cause there isn’t much to see.” You explained, tracing your finger carefully so he clearly understood you. “That’s the road before the cutoff to mine.”

“Oh, okay.” He said, genuinely intrigued at your explanation. “If you keep traveling up the highway, you get to the cutoff for my road—it’s the Main Street between both suburbs, so it gets the fancy turnoff from every side.” At that, he laughed. “If you follow the road, you’ll pass the Pony, and then here’s my complex.” You pointed to each respective star. “If you turn up the street between me and the pony, you’ll find the old church they turned into an NA hall.” You failed to explain why you knew the directions to that specific building, but you thought you ought to include it anyway, considering there wasn’t much else to add. “If you keep going past my place, there’s another road, and that’s where the gas station you picked me up from that day.” You said, showing him the next star.

“Huh,” he hummed, a smile growing on his lips as he listened to you talk. As of late, listening to you had become his favourite pastime. “Past that on my road, it’ll lead to a dead end if you’re going straight. If you turn down, in the direction the Fox would be, you can get to those fancy stores we passed, and the antique shop. If you keep going, you get to the park!”

“You are quite the woman, Utah.” He laughed, finding the glee in your face make his heart beat a little faster. “Thank you for drawing that.”

“Hopefully it helps.” You smiled, sticking it in the sun visor above your head.

“You know, if I hadn’t been there before, I wouldn’t understand a word you said, or any part of that map.” He laughed, reaching over and placing a loving hand on your thigh to lessen the blow of his harsh words.

“Hey! I thought it was pretty damn good!” You defended, your eyebrows furrowing together in frustration. Your response only made him laugh harder, and eventually, you couldn’t help but join in. The sound of his happiness was infectious, and you felt like being miserable around him was a waste of time.

“You are an excellent writer,” he began again, slowing as you pulled up to a red light. “But for the love of god, please don’t get into cartography.”

“Says the guy who doesn’t even know where he’s going.” You rolled your eyes. “Maybe if I had a little more time, it would have been more helpful, but your directionless blundering around town makes me nervous.”

“Nervous, eh? Like you care about me or something?” He raised an eyebrow, his fingers tightening on your thigh ever so slightly.

“Don’t give yourself too much credit.” You teased, but he knew it was a joke. You were both comfortable with the fact you cared about each other, and even more so with expressing it. Although, the real reason you drew him the map partially was because you didn’t want him getting lost, and more so because you wanted him to memorize where you lived. Selfish, maybe, but you were completely shameless about it.

It wasn’t much longer before Danny pulled off into a crowded lot. You straightened in your seat, filled with excitement at the sight of lush green trees and flowers lining the white building. The architecture of the building was breathtaking, the entrance surrounded by large panel windows and the upper half made nearly completely of glass. He pulled into a parking spot, glancing over at you with a smile on his face.

“Danny,” you breathed, taking in the sight with wonder in your eyes.

“You mentioned it a few weeks ago… said you’d never been. I thought it would be nice if we saw it for the first time… together.” He articulated his words carefully, wondering if maybe it was too much and you were off put by the thought.

“I can’t believe you remembered.” You said, reaching over and placing a gentle hand on his bicep. “Nobody’s ever… remembered, like you do.” You stressed the point, understanding that after 23 years, he was the first person to care enough to listen while you spoke. “You’re the sweetest.” He gave your thigh a gentle squeeze, saddened at the sound of your words but touched by your sentiments.

“Good thing I like remembering, and I like you.” He grinned. “Maybe you can write me a poem about it when we get home.”

Home.

Unspecified as to where, but without a doubt including you. He found as much comfort in your company as you did in his, and he was unashamed to admit it.

“I’ll write you all the poems you want, Michigan.” You promised, feeling your heart beat just a little faster as you held his gaze. Little did he know, you’d already been doing that; every stanza seemed to pertain to his heart, and every single word was inspired by his beautiful face. You would write about him until there were no more words left to say, and then you would create your own just to tell the world how much he meant to you.

“That’s a big promise, Utah.” He warned, trying to keep his thoughts in check as your hand lingered on his arm. “If it were up to me, I’d never stop reading your poems.”

“Shut up.” You squeaked, your cheeks burning red as you gave him a slight push. He fell back into the door, a laugh stuck in his throat as he dusted his thumb over your leg.

“Never.” He promised, turning the car off and making sure he had all of his things. “Now let’s go, we have a botanical garden to see.” At that, he jumped out and rushed over to your side of the car, opening the door for you before you had a chance to do it yourself.

With a playful eye roll, you grabbed your bag from the floor and checked inside to make sure you had everything. You had nearly everything, not realizing what you were missing until your fingers landed on the bag of sour candies you always kept close by, noticing it was far too light. Your stomach dropped as you looked inside, realizing it was empty. You rummaged around the bottom of your tote, checking to see if they’d fallen out or if you had eaten them all and forgot to replace them.

“What’s wrong, Utah?” He asked, noticing your panic.

“Nothing.” You assured him, rushing the word out as you tried to cover your momentary panic. They were gone, and you were stupid enough to forget about buying more when you ran out.

“Utah.” He spoke, using a tone of voice that told you he knew better than that.

“It’s just… I’m okay, I just ran out of sour candy.” You said through your teeth, knowing it didn’t seem like a big deal to him, even if it felt like the end of the world to you. “I know, it’s stupid. I’ll be okay.” You breathed, realizing you couldn’t tell him why it was such a problem.

You could make it through a few hours without a fallback, a few amazing and fun hours with your favorite person. You checked not because you needed one, but because you never went anywhere without them. You had been having so many good days that you hadn’t reached for one in a while, and you could keep up the good work for a little while longer.

Issue was, now that you knew you didn’t have a quick distraction if a thought plagued you, it was all you could think about. You weren’t amidst a craving, and you likely never would have been if you didn’t notice that the candy was gone. Now that you did, it was the only thing running through your head.

“Oh,” he laughed, like you had told him a joke. You couldn’t help but feel a twinge of annoyance, your lungs burning and your stomach sick while he laughed it off.

You couldn’t be mad at him. He didn’t know.

“Here, baby.” He said, reaching over you and popping open the center console. You looked at him, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, turning your head to watch as he pulled something from it. At the sight of the familiar green and yellow bag, your entire body relaxed, but instead of just a sense of relief, you felt a wave of adoration join it. “I keep one in here, just for you. I know you always eat them, and I saw them at the store, so I grabbed one. Guess it came in handy after all.” You turned back to face him, your eyes soft and your heart filled with love for him.

Wait—love?

No, that couldn’t be right.

You pushed the thought as far down as you could, swallowing the lump in your throat as you reached for his face. Your palms landed on his cheeks, and you were leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his lips before either of you could register it. He dropped the bag in your lap as he grabbed your hip, an automatic response to the feeling of your mouth on his.

He had no idea, and that almost made it worse. He had no idea what you needed them for, and he likely thought it was a childish fixation that you could live without, but he didn’t care. Even if he thought that, he still went out of his way to keep them in his car to make you happy.

“You are extraordinary, Michigan.” You whispered, slightly breathless from the kiss, suffocating from the feelings you had for him. “Thank you. You saved the day.” He seemed to do that a lot, but you tried your best not to focus on it.

You wanted to save yourself, but god did it feel good when he did half the work for you.

“I’ll always save the day for you.” You couldn’t help but feel the twinge of pain in your chest, the one that was felt every time he said something like that. It wasn’t because his sweet words weren’t welcomed, but rather that you knew it wasn’t true. Daniel would not always be around, and the relationship between you would cease to exist when he packed up his Airbnb and left for Nashville. You spoke to each other as if the end wasn’t near, like it wasn’t a possibility at all for the two of you to go your separate ways, but you both knew you were lying to yourselves. “Now come on, let’s go see the flowers.”

“Right.” You grinned, shoving the bag of candy in your purse and hopping out with him.

He shut the door behind you, slipping his hand in yours as you walked together. You approached the entrance to the building, where he held the door for you. As you stepped inside, you were overwhelmed with excitement. You had lived in New York for over a year, and you’d never had the chance to visit the main attractions much. You lined up to pay your entry fee, and your eyes fell upon the screen flashing with prices.

Your stomach dropped, the final piece to the puzzle only clicking in for you when you saw the dollar signs. Hastily, you reached for your bag, dropping your hand from Danny’s to grab your wallet. He noticed your sudden withdrawal, his gaze turning to you as he watched you open the clip and search for dollar bills that weren’t there.

“Hey,” he whispered, his hand landing on your lower back to snap you out of the fit of panic. Your eyes met his, your nervousness written all over you as he studied your expression. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Daniel, I can’t let you—“

“I want to.” He corrected, his tone firm and his eyes genuine. “It was my idea to come, so I’ll pay.”

“Baby, you don’t have to do that.” You argued, feeling guilty that your own impoverished lifestyle was affecting him.

“I know I don’t have to.” He said, raising a hand to your face to brush the stray hairs from your eyes. “I’d be a pretty terrible date if I didn’t pay for it.”

“That’s not true—“

“Hey,” he cut you off, showing you he was serious. “Don’t worry about it.” He reiterated his earlier statement. “All you need to worry about is having fun.”

“You’re too good to me.” You hummed, dropping your wallet back into your bag. Such generosity was something you’d never experienced before, but you were slowly getting used to it with his help.

“I love being good to you. You deserve it.” You tried not to focus on his words, finding it so different from the way Vincent normally spoke to you. You didn’t want to make it mean anything more than it did at face value, but it was hard not to latch onto the sentiment behind it.

After he paid for the two of you, he grabbed a map so he could navigate the large area. Hand in hand, the two of you began the journey, walking slowly to soak in the sights around you. The first thing you noticed was the looming cherry blossoms decorating the doorway as you stepped back out into the yard. The light pink hue caught your eye, entrancing you as you walked underneath it. The sweet smell of the petals struck you with force, causing your eyes to flutter closed in bliss. Daniel seemed to be just as immersed in the moment, appreciating the beauty of you amidst such things, rather than the trees themselves.

The sight of the conservatory dome behind the breathtaking landscape was otherworldly, the view ethereal as you tried your best to commit the memory in your mind forever.

“Danny, this is… stunning. I’ve never seen anything like it.” The fresh air around you seemed to pull you into a warm embrace, the greens of the leaves and the pristine shape of the cobblestone walkways below your feet all making you feel undeserving of the gift he had given you.

“It is, huh?” He said, in just as much disbelief as he turned to look at the tree branches billowing behind him. You hugged your bag tighter to your body, the rough fabric of the tote scratching against your exposed side. Choosing to wear Danny’s muscle shirt seemed like the right idea at the moment, but paired with your torn jeans and worn out converse, you now felt completely underdressed. “Where do you want to go first, Utah?” He asked, flicking open the map so you could take your pick. You inched closer to him, leaning forward to get a better look before you decided.

“I want to see the perennial garden… oh, daffodil hill! And the lilac collection! The Rockefeller Rose Garden sounds beautiful, too.” You gushed, unable to contain your excitement. He smiled softly, wrapping his arm around you as he placed a kiss to the top of your head.

“Let’s do it all, then. We have all day.”

“Really?” You looked up at him, your eyes sparkling as you admired his face.

“Really, Utah.” He promised, giving your arm a gentle squeeze. “But I want to see the meadow and water feature with the native plant garden, and I have to see the tropical pool.” He bargained.

“Deal,” you nodded, knowing you would do anything so long as it meant you could spend time with him. “We better get started.”

Hand in hand, you made your way to the first stop, following the map closely as you walked. He raised the sheet closer to his face, following the path with his eyes as you faced a fork in the road.

“You know, Utah, you could really take some tips from this map. I can actually read it.” He quipped, lowering it as he flashed you a grin. You rolled your eyes, knocking shoulders with him and watching him falter slightly.

“You love my map—don’t pretend to hate it.” He chuckled, knowing that he did love it, but only because it was made by your hand. To him, anything you created was worth loving.

“I do, even if it only confuses me more.”

“Whatever, Michigan.” You scoffed, pulling him in the direction of the tropical pool. He shut up quickly once he realized where you were headed, following along silently as his eyes scanned over the greenery sprouting from the small pond lining the walkway.

“Holy shit.” He breathed, taking in the sight of the lily pads floating on the surface. “Those lily pads are huge!” He exclaimed, clutching the map in his palm as he pointed towards the ones he was referring to. You giggled at his childlike expression, finding it incredibly endearing as you approached the water.

“Do you ever wonder if in another life, we’re two frogs living on lily pads like that?” You asked, posing the ridiculous rhetorical question without thinking twice.

“For sure.” He hummed, gazing out at the still water with greenery sprouting from the surface. “We would have the cutest lily pad ever.” He corrected, making your cheeks turn crimson.

“All the other frogs would be so jealous of us.” You added, noting the reflection of the dome in the water.

“Yeah, cause I’d have the prettiest frog girlfriend.” He said as a matter-of-fact, neither of you paying any mind to the title he graciously placed upon you, even if the intent was in a joking manner. You were too high on life to even consider bursting the bubble, so you enjoyed it for a moment, letting yourself feel the fleeting moment of joy that came with being his.

After a few moments of wandering around, you moved onto the next sight on the list, navigating your way to daffodil hill. As you approached the plot of land, the breath was stolen from your lungs. Thousands of yellow and white flowers lined the ground, busy bees floating around the brightly coloured petals to scavenge the pollen from them. Scattered around, there were a few large trees with pink blossoms lining the branches. The sight was breathtaking, much like everything else you had experienced thus far.

“Danny,” you whispered, looking over your shoulder at him as you guided him through. “This is beautiful.”

“I know.” He nodded, but he wasn’t looking at the plethora of flowers tickling the grass. “Wait, I want a picture.” He said, pulling his phone from his pocket and motioning for you to pose. You stood before the field of flowers, the brightest smile stuck on your lips as you raised your arms above your head. He laughed at your expression, barely able to understand the flurry of emotion taking over his mind as he snapped the photograph. Before he joined you by your side, he set the picture as his screensaver, knowing it was the most precious thing his phone camera ever witnessed.

The lilac collection was just as stunning as the daffodils, which was almost unbelievable to you. You couldn’t believe how much beauty the world held, especially after spending all of your time in the shittiest neighborhood around. It was so easy to think that all of the world was gray and miserable, that the thick cloud of misery that surrounded you at home would follow you no matter where you went, but the longer you walked through the garden with him by your side, the harder it was to believe it.

You looped through the large patch of forest in the middle of the garden, taking your time to meander through the thickets and enjoy the feeling of being surrounded by nature. Living in New York was good, but it made you miss the connection you once had to the mountains and river-eroded canyons. The city was great, but it wasn’t what you hoped it to be, and being stuck in such a beautiful place made you realize that the concrete jungle was not what you wanted after all.

It was hard to place the feeling of need, because it was pulling you in all different directions. It wasn’t tied to a single place or thing, but it all revolved around the same theme; you craved feeling free, to be limitless and without bounds. You came to New York in hopes of finding that, but theathered yourself with another, tighter chain to a life equally as miserable as the last. Until Danny walked into your life, you convinced yourself that you were happy with struggle and that you still had your life in the palm of your hands. Now that he was beside you, showing you a more beautiful, brighter side of things, you wondered if life really had to go back to the way it was before you met him, or if you could continue feeling this way when he decided to leave.

Maybe the feeling of being free had nothing to do with the sights you were seeing, and everything to do with the person you were sharing them with.

You wanted to believe that you weren’t attached to Danny, but as you walked through the forest with your fingers intertwined with his, it was hard to picture life without him by your side. It wasn’t a dependency, not an addiction like you were so used to feeling, but rather a desire and a willingness to be loved. It was a gift, getting to spend your days with him, and it gave you a break from the horrible things you’d grown so used to. It was teaching you that you were capable of being loved, rather than forced to dish it out and never have it be reciprocated.

It made you excited to see tomorrow, rather than staying stagnant in the past while you waited for the next bad thing to happen.

You knew you couldn’t hold on to him, that you had to utilize all he was teaching you and find it in other places, but it was hard. Before him, you didn’t believe good things could happen to you, and the idea of trying to find them without being able to share it with him killed you, but the end of summer would come, and you would be left facing that exact issue whether you wanted to or not.

You had to grieve him before he was gone, and it was incredibly difficult when all you wanted to do was open your heart and your soul to him.

You had to convince yourself his love was meant to fade, that he was a beacon of light only meant to touch your life so you could pick yourself up off the ground. You needed to understand that the two of you weren’t meant for forever, but you could love each other enough to make the few months you had together last a lifetime. It was the only way to survive his absence when it inevitably came, but it was devastating to imagine, especially when he was right beside you and loving you like nobody ever had before.

You made your way through the perennial garden, taking your time to admire the beauty of it all. The greenery was a nice change from the abundance of flowers you’d seen moments before. The shrubs and trees were all different coloured, some burnt oranges and some deep emerald green. There were patches of purples and jades, all forming together to create one picturesque scene.

The rose garden nearly brought you to your knees, the rainbow of colors lining different bushes and the scent of the floral garden invading your senses. You approached a bush of ruby red roses, letting your fingers ever so gently glide over the satin petals.

“I’ve never seen anything like this.” You said, reiterating the same sentiment as earlier. You were trying to wrap your mind around the whole thing, floored that he cared about you enough to grant you such a special memory. “Roses are my favorite, I think. Kind of a cop out answer, but it’s true.”

“Your favorite, huh?” Danny hummed, admiring you as you admired the sight before you. “I’ll have to remember that.” Your stomach filled with butterflies at his words, your head snapping upwards and your gaze catching his own.

“You don’t…” you trailed off, shaking your head slightly. You didn’t want him to feel like he had to get you flowers, because it simply wasn’t true. You lived twenty three years without ever receiving them, and you would survive another twenty three without them. You feared if he did, you would never be able to let him go.

“But I will.” He assured you, not willing to take any arguments on the matter. “What color is your favorite?” He asked, stepping closer to you as he placed a hand on your hip. Your eyes scanned the bushes, finding it difficult to choose when all of them were so stunning. That, and it was difficult to think of anything with his touch burning into your skin.

“The pink ones, I think. The really light ones.”

“Mhm?” He hummed, but his eyes weren’t looking at the flowers. They were settled on you, watching you as you came to a decision.

“Yeah, definitely those.” You breathed, turning your head to look at him. Your nose brushed his, and your arms automatically wrapped around his neck.

“Good to know.” He smiled, slipping his arm around your waist as he leaned toward and pressed a lingering kiss to your lips. He dipped you backwards ever so slightly, and you pulled him forwards so you didn’t lose contact with him.

When he pulled away your head was spinning and your lungs were burning for air. You needed him more than you ever thought was humanly possible, and you never wanted him to stop holding you like he was in that moment. The chirp of birds overhead made the scene all the more ethereal, and you started to wonder if you were still sleeping, caught up in the perfection of a dream.

“One last stop, Utah. You ready?”

“Yeah.” You whispered, nodding ever so slightly. His face was still close to your own, the taste of his lips on your skin and tempting you further. You leaned toward him again, unable to resist the urge as you pressed a softer, more delicate kiss to his lips. “Let’s go.” You smiled, not straying too far as you turned around and led the way to the meadow.

The last sight was just as awe inspiring as the last ones, and when you reached the end of the path, you felt a sinking disappointment fill your heart. You wished you could stay there with him forever, frolicking amongst the flowers and covered under the shade of the trees. As if he was feeling the same way, he slowed his pace to draw out the last few minutes you had there together.

“Don’t wanna go home.” You mumbled under your breath, taking steps in time with his own.

“We can come back.” He assured you, giving your hand a slight squeeze as you neared the building you entered through. “We can go wherever you want, Utah.”

“Is that a promise?” You smiled, focused only on him despite the swarming crowd of people around you.

“It’s a fact.” He corrected, placing a kiss on your forehead. “Whatever you want, Y/N. Wherever you want. You just have to say the word.”

There was one word in mind, but you thought it was a bit too heavy to inflict upon him so early, especially knowing how the two of you would end.

“How about dinner?”

“Sounds good to me.” He grinned, but you couldn’t help but notice a slight disappointment in his eye.

You didn’t want to think too much about it, but you wondered if it was the same disappointment you had bargained with so many times before, disappointed because he couldn’t truly have the one thing he so desperately wanted.

May 13th, 2022 - 1:17 AM

“Hey, beautiful.” Danny smiled, sliding into a booth and greeting you as you walked towards him. Sam was close behind him, taking post across the table from his counterpart.

“Fancy meetin’ you here.” You grinned, motioning for him to scoot over so that you could sit beside him. When your ass touched the bench, he snaked an arm around your shoulders and pulled you into his side. “Grabbing something to eat tonight, or just here to bother me?”

“We’re actually here to eat for once.” Sam replied, a tone of surprise even in his voice. “Little late night snack while we pound out some more songs.”

“I see.” You hummed, a smile still lingering on your lips. “Well, if that’s the case, what could I get for the musical prodigies to help them out?”

“Veggie burger.” Sam replied, earning a kick from Daniel under the table. “Please, Utah. Would be greatly appreciated.” He added quickly, wincing at the lingering pain in his shin. You swallowed back a giggle, finding Danny’s protective nature endearing.

“What about you, sweetness?” You asked, turning to the boy beside you. He was in a long sleeve shirt, his jeans worn and form fitting. His hair was falling gently over his shoulders, and you noticed the tiredness in his face.

“Whatever you think, baby.” He said, casting a lingering glance your way. You wanted to reach out and touch him, to swipe your thumb over his cheek until the gentle tickle lulled him to sleep, and you wanted to hold him until he woke on his own, well rested and ready for the day. Instead, you gave him a soft smile, telling him you sympathized with his exhaustion because you were feeling it too, knowing loving him so openly with Vincent in the next room would end in a disaster.

“Okay.” You whispered, giving his knee a gentle squeeze under the table as you made a move to stand.

“Wait.” He said, placing a hand on your thigh to stop you from moving any further. He checked over your shoulder, looking to see if anyone was watching, and when he noticed the coast was clear, he placed a quick peck on your lips. Your stomach twisted with butterflies, your face turning red and your heart speeding.

Damn him and his ability to turn your whole world upside down.

“I’ll be right back.” You promised, sliding from the booth and quickly scurrying away to the kitchen. You pushed through the swinging half door, finding Dylan and Vincent standing by the open door in the back, the smell of cigarette smoke with a skunky undertone flowing in. “Hey,” you caught their attention, your voice timid as you feared Vincent’s volatility. He hadn’t been as bad as of recent, but you could tell there was tension constantly lingering between the two of you.

Vincent looked back over his shoulder, his eyes softening for a brief second at the sight of you, then reverting back to a stony expression. Dylan slowly turned, his eyes landing on you as a goofy smile crossed his lips.

“Want a hit?” He asked, raising his hand to flash the spliff in your direction.

“Yes,” You giggled, stepping towards the two. “But there’s an order, too.” You grabbed the expertly rolled joint from his hand, letting him know that play was over and work was beginning.

“What is it?” He traded places with you, stepping back towards the smoky grill.

“Regular and a veggie platter, please.” You smiled.

“Anything for you, doll.” He said, spraying the top of the stone with the heavily diluted cleaning solution and scraping off any debris. He let the steam flow as he stepped into the freezer in search of the premade burger patties, leaving you and Vincent by yourselves for a moment.

There was an awkwardness between you that you’d never quite felt before, like being so close to him was wrong, like he was upset just by your presence. You didn’t know what to say, instead raising the joint to your lips and inhaling, hoping he would start off the conversation.

“Your boyfriend here with his boyfriend?” He asked, staring out at the blackened sky as he awaited a response. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes, exhaling a large cloud of smoke into the night. You rested your head on the doorframe, wondering how you got yourself in such a situation.

“No boyfriends to talk about.” You replied, answering both of his quips with little effort. At that, his eyes flickered to you, almost hopeful as he listened to the words.

“What, you givin’ him the same run around you gave me?” He muttered, reaching for the joint clasped between your fingers.

“Can you cut the shit, Vin?” You scoffed, reluctantly handing it to him. You expected him to explode, to storm away at the thought of being called out for his ridiculous behavior, but he did neither; instead, he leaned back against the door, watching you carefully as he waited for you to continue.

‘Wow, okay.’ You thought to yourself, shocked at his lack of fight.

“I just want… I want you to talk to me, actually have a conversation instead of backhanded comments and insults, please.” He considered your comment carefully, and after an extended bout of silence, he nodded in agreement.

“You’re right.” What? “I’m sorry, doll.” Who the fuck was standing beside you, and what the hell did they do with Vincent? “If you wanna talk, talk.” You waited, stunned at his response and half expecting Dylan to jump out with a camera like they were playing a joke on you.

“I didn’t give you a run-around.” You muttered, snagging the spliff from his hand when he wasn’t paying attention. You gave him a small smile, one that was surprisingly returned. “I gave you a choice, and you didn’t pick me, Vin.”

“You didn’t give me enough time.” He stressed the point, wanting you to see it from his perspective. Unfortunately, you had given him more time than he deserved, even if he didn’t feel the same way.

“I gave you lots of time, honey.” You whispered. “Eighteen months, to be exact.” He was silent, nodding along as you spoke. You could see his cheeks turn red, but he didn’t react with anger. Instead, he looked up at you with sad eyes, swallowing back the million things he wanted to say.

“It’s just hard, you know? I’m so used to waking up next to you, to having you around all the time, and now you don’t even come to the Pony with us after work. Went from all to nothin’ in a day, it seems, and it hurts. I want to be better for you, doll. I’m trying real hard, but you have to cut me some slack, give me some time to show you how good I can be for you. You can’t see it if you’re spending all your time with Mr. Country Club.” He said, keeping a steady head and a calm voice as he spoke. He was terrified you would be willing to see it once he did clean himself, because you would be long past in love with someone else. Your stomach twisted with uncertainty, fearful you had judged Vincent too harshly. He was standing before you, completely calm as he explained how he felt.

He was trying, but it would never be enough.

“I can’t be around ‘till you’re better, Vin. It’s too hard for me. I’m not sober enough to be around all of it, and I’m sorry if it came off worse than I intended it to.” You were being nicer than you needed to be in hopes of sparing his feelings, even if you knew you shouldn’t. You were giving him hope for something that would never happen, but you were afraid if you told the truth, he would fly off the handle.

He gave a bleak nod, watching as you took a few puffs from the joint before stealing it back. “So what? Are you two together, or just fuckin’?” He asked, unable to bite his tongue and desperate for an answer.

“Not together, no.” You shook your head, giving him that much truth at least. “He’s only here for the summer. He’ll leave and I’ll still be here, so no point in being together.”

“So just fuckin’ then?” He asked, a smirk on his lips despite the pain in his eyes. You rolled your eyes, giving him a gentle shove. For the briefest moment, things felt okay again, like you two were actually friends and not a mess of high emotion and sexual tension that acted like friends.

“Don’t break your own heart, Vin.” You gave a sad smile, telling him to drop it. He flicked the cherry from the roach and pulled out his tin cigarette case, placing the small bit of weed left inside.

“I don’t have to; you do that for me, sweetness.” He said, placing a lingering touch on your arm as he turned and walked back into the kitchen.

You didn’t understand the wave of sadness washing over you, knowing that you truly didn’t want to be with Vincent, but heartbroken for the mess of a man who stood before you, trying more than he ever had. You tried not to let the sympathy change your opinion, but even so, you felt your heartstrings tug in a direction you didn’t appreciate. Instead of lingering on it, you rushed back to the front of the diner to join Daniel and Sam, begging yourself to understand the implications of letting Vincent wiggle his way into your heart.

𓇢𓆸

May 13th, 2022 - 3:42 AM

“Alright, boys. The front is clean, the floors are mopped, and the tips are counted.” You said, keeping an eye on the front door to watch for the morning staff.

“How much did we make, dollface?” Dylan asked, leaning on the serving window separating the kitchen and the front of the diner. You filled your reusable coffee cup from earlier in the day with a little bit of orange soda, sipping away at it as you passed Dylan’s money to him. “Gross.” He turned up his nose at the bright, artificial orange drink you were enjoying.

“S’good.” You shrugged, knowing anything was good when it was free.

“So, how much is it?” Dylan asked, looking at the bills and coins sat before him.

“Count it.” You said, untying your apron and slipping it over your head.

“You know I’m no good at that stuff.” Dylan laughed, the second joint taking its toll on him the more tired he became. His eyes were red, the lids drooping as he tried his best to focus on your face.

“How are you going to get better if you never try?” You urged, knowing he definitely could count it, but he was much too lazy.

“You got me, sweetheart.” He sighed, shrugging his shoulders.

“91.20.” You gave in, giggling as he let out a breath of relief.

“Each?” He raised an eyebrow, surprised that so many people had left a tip. “Must be ‘cause of your little boy-toy and his friend.” You cringed at the sound of his words, shaking your head slightly as he began to regret the nickname he used.

“Never say that again.”

“Yup, never again.” He agreed, sliding the bills from the ledge and into the pocket of his jeans. “You know, I really gotta get a wallet.” He pondered aloud, hearing the change clatter against his leg as he pushed himself upright.

“Would probably make your life easier, yeah.” You smiled, letting your eyes trail over his tired face. Dylan was undoubtedly one of the most attractive boys you’d ever laid eyes on, but the temptation was never really there for you. Perhaps it was because you were tied up with Vincent, or maybe because he made a better friend than you thought he would a lover. No matter, you couldn’t help but admire him every now again, human urge taking over and common sense fleeing you.

“Just seems stupid,” he explained further, the deep tone of his slow voice echoing through the air. You raised an eyebrow at him, begging him to continue. “Paying money for something to hold your money. What a waste.” At that, a powerful laugh shook your shoulders and made the muscles of your stomach ache. It took you a few seconds to calm yourself, the tiredness taking its toll and causing everything to seem funnier than it truly was.

“I love you, Dyl.” You said, letting out a long breath as you wiped a tear from your eye.

“Love you too, baby.” He grinned, proud of the laugh he had pried from you without even trying. At that, the swinging side door opened and Vincent came barreling out from the kitchen, catching both of you off guard as he walked towards you.

“You okay, honey?” You asked, noticing his irate expression.

“Yeah, fan-fuckin’-tastic.” He grumbled, grabbing a disposable coffee cup and filling it with sprite from the fountain. You noticed a slight tremble in his hand as he reached to press the button, twisting your stomach with anxiety.

“You sure? You’re sweating.” You stepped towards him, never able to rid yourself of the compassion you held for him. You raised a hand to his forehead, wondering if he was coming down with a bug. At the feeling of your hand on his skin, he jerked his head away, shooting you daggers with his eyes as he pulled the cup from the soda machine.

“Said I’m fine.” He snapped, the vein in his forehead popping out as he spoke. You shied away, recoiling back at the harsh words.

“Right, okay.” You whispered, cowering under his stare, wondering what happened in the two hours between this conversation and the last. “Sorry, Vin.”

“These mine?” He completely disregarded your timid tone, failing to apologize or acknowledge his own wrongdoings as he pointed at the pile of tips on the counter.

“Yeah.” You nodded, feeling your skin begin to tingle with numbness, the same feeling you always got when he turned volatile towards you. You watched as he reached forward, his trembling hands separating the bills on the counter so he could tally it in his head. You swallowed hard, knowing you should leave it be, but unable to ignore your concerns about him.

Your eyes flickered to Dylan, who was disengaged with the situation, knowing just as well as you how insufferable Vincent was when he was angry. You turned back to Vincent, watching as he counted the change, muttering curses under his breath as he lost count. Your eyes trailed upwards, wanting to catch sight of his face to see if you could decipher what kind of anger he was stuck in, but your eyes got caught on something before you could.

You froze, your skin prickling with a plethora of different emotions as your gaze settled on the point in which his forearm met his bicep. More specifically, a cluster of red dots, irritated and bruised. Your stomach twisted with nausea, your head pounding as a flurry of questions stormed your mind. Without thinking twice, you reached forward and grabbed his wrist, forcefully pulling his arm towards you for a better look.

“The fuck is your problem!?” Vincent shouted, trying to pull away from your grip. Something inhuman took over as you held his wrist in your hand, your fingers locked tightly to hold him in place.

“My problem?” You fumed, looking up at his face. “What the hell is your problem, Vincent? Are these fucking track marks?”

“Oh, don’t pretend you care, doll. We all know that you don’t give a shit about me.” He seethed, giving another rough yank of his arm.

“Care?” You echoed his words, your eyes lethal as you stared a hole into him. “Vincent, I have given everything for you. You’ve nearly cost me my job, my place to live, and my sobriety. Caring about you is all I know how to do, even when it fuckin’ ruins me.”

“There it is, whining like a little bitch again. Was wondering how long the peace n’ fuckin’ quiet would last.” He growled, not backing down from your hostile embrace. “Nobody asked you to do it, sweetheart. You just get off on sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. We don’t need you, and we never have. Why don’t you run back to Utah and find someone else to bitch at, ‘cause I’m gettin’ fuckin’ sick of hearing it.”

You dropped his arm, his words equal to a stab in the stomach. His skin was burning, the heat lingering on your hand even after you cut contact. You knew his volatility was because he was suffering through the violence of withdrawal, but you held little sympathy for the fact, especially after every other injustice he had committed against you. He was suffering, but it did not excuse his mistakes, nor did it make the pain that stemmed from his words hurt any less. He may be sick, being eaten alive by a disease you knew to be the deadliest of all, but it didn’t change the fact he lied. He wasn’t fucking trying at all, and he only said it to gain a sympathy card from you.

Just like always, the only person he ever cared about was himself.

You weren’t sure why it stung so badly, but the damage was done, and you were sickened at the thought of the person who stood before you. He was someone you thought you loved, who you gave everything for, someone who pulled you along by a string but never gave anything in return. You were having a hard time feeling any remorse for what you did to hurt him, because he seemed to make hurting you into his life’s purpose.

“Fine, Vin. I’m done. If that’s what you want to hear, I’ll say it: I’m fucking done.” You felt tears rush your eyes, your chest burning with indignation as you swallowed back his harsh words. “Keep ruining your life, but don’t fuckin’ call me to fix it anymore.”

“Yeah, okay.” He cackled, mocking you as if your breaking point was humorous to him. It was no more than salt in an already lethal wound. “We both know you’ll come whenever I call, no matter who’s in your bed. You know what you fuckin’ deserve, doll, and you’re looking at it. Keep actin’ high and mighty like you aren’t a junkhead too, but we all know it, and you’ll come crawlin’ back to me sooner or later.”

“Fuck you, Vincent.” You spat, feeling the tears fall onto your cheeks. He was so good at ruining you, and even if you believed you’d built yourself back up, it only took him a moment to tear it all down again. “You’re a piece of shit.”

“Quit with the pity party, sunshine. You’re no better. Go cry to your fuckin’ boyfriend—maybe he’ll actually give a shit.” He snatched his money from the table, shoving it in his pocket as he turned on his heel and stormed out the front of the building. You bit back a sob as the door of the diner slammed shut, and listened as his car door did the same. In an instant, he was backing out of his parking space, and not long after he disappeared down the street.

“Come on, doll. You know he doesn’t mean that.” Dylan whispered, joining you in the dining room and wrapping an arm around your shoulders. He reached to your face with his other hand, swiping your cheeks clean with the back of his hand. “He’s just in a rough spot right now.”

“God, stop defending him!” You exploded, sickened at the thought of Dylan excusing Vincent’s horrific behavior. It wasn’t Dylan’s fault, but in the moment you were so angry with Vincent that it was bleeding into every aspect of your life. After hearing him say so many horrific things, it hurt to think Dylan was so forgiving of his actions.

“I’m not defending anyone, angel.” Dylan corrected. “What he said was awful, and it’s not true, and you know m’gonna give him shit for it, later.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” You let out a shaky sigh, pressing your palms to your eyes to satiate the tears irritating them. The coolness of your skin felt good against your swollen face, the dreaded consequence every time you dared to shed a tear. “It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t be mad at you. I just get so frustrated. He tells me he’s trying to be better, but then he goes and does shit like this! Makes me feel like he doesn’t care at all, like he doesn’t actually want to try.”

“He cares, sunshine, and he wants to be better. Just don't know how.” Dylan shrugged, pulling you into his side a little further. “This is all he’s ever known, all he ever thought he needed, ‘till you came along.” Both you let the words hang heavy in the air, not sure how to continue on from there. “Vin’s always been the heartbreaker, and he doesn’t know how to handle it now that the tables’ turned on him. He loved ya, doll. Still does.”

“If he loved me, why the hell did he let us get here? Why is he so mean, all of the time? Always trying to break me down, to hurt me so I feel stuck with him. I loved him as he was—I just needed him to get sober.”

“That’s like leading a horse to water and telling it not to drink.” He laughed, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he thought of the sad analogy. “Vinny’ll always be this way. Maybe not this fucked up, but it’ll always be a part of him. Got it from his folks n’ they got it from theirs. Do you want to be with him?”

“I did. M’not so sure anymore.” You mumbled, closing your eyes as you rested your head on his shoulder. He smelled like cheap cologne and cigarettes, a comforting smell that had become your favorite part of the day. “Even if he changed tomorrow, I don’t think it would take away all the bad he’s already done.”

“Mr. Country Club have anything to do with that?”

“Stop calling him that.” You laughed, lightly jabbing your elbow into his stomach. Dylan faltered slightly at the action, but his own laugh filled the air not long after. “I don’t know… maybe he does. We’re not in love or anything, and he’s leaving at the end of the summer, but it made me realize I wanted more, I guess. More than Vin, more than the life I’ve built for myself here.”

“Then chase it, sweetheart. If he feels the same, don’t stick around for us. You gotta be happy. You gotta take care of you.” Dylan said, more serious than ever before. “You waste your time and energy keeping us alive, then you wonder why you can’t get ahead. We’d be lost without you, but I’m scared we’ll lose you if you stay, too.”

“It’s just a lot, you know? I moved here to make something of myself, and I did the opposite. Now I’m stuck here, and I’m terrified of taking another leap of faith. What if the next one turns out worse? Least I know the shit this life has to give me.” You explained, staring out into the parking lot as you noticed the morning workers begin to pull in. “It’s all scary, Dyl.”

“Sure it is, but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and I know you could make it anywhere in the world. If he asks you to go with him, go. I know you worry about us, but you’ve been searching for a ticket out, baby.” He explained. “If this guy really is all that, it’s worth chasing. I’ve never seen you this happy.”

“How could I leave you, though? How could I leave Vin, or John. Hell, I’d even miss Liam.”

“That gangly fuck?” Dylan laughed, looking down at you. “Bet there’s a million guys just like him running NA meetings all over the states.”

“It’s too early to tell. I’ll just have to see it through, decide when I get there. Never been a person to plan anything. Chaos is the only thing that makes sense to me.” You frowned, saddened by the truth behind the statement.

“You can make anything make sense if you try, angel.” Dylan gave your arm a squeeze, making sure you understood what he meant. “As for Vin, he’ll tire himself out. I’ve seen him go through this before, and he always pulls himself out of it. You just have to make up your mind, okay? If you don’t wanna be with him, he’s gotta know that he’s never got a chance. If not, you’re both hurting for no reason.”

“It’s hard because I always want to be with him, even if I know I can’t be, or I shouldn’t be.” You explained. “I just want him to try, to show me that he wants me and he means it when he says it.”

“He means it, Y/N.” Dylan assured you. “Drugs aside, he loves you. He might not know how to show it, but he sure as hell feels it for you. I’ve never seen him so pussywhipped for anyone—I knew from the very beginning it had to be more than just some tail. Being caught up on girls was never his thing… ‘cept when that bitch at the Pony gave him the clap. That was for a different reason, though.”

At that, the two of you found yourselves in a fit of giggles.

“Thanks, Dylan. I know it’s always been you two against the world. I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to get between that.” You whispered, grateful for his presence but remorseful for taking him away from Vincent.

“You kidding, doll? You’ll always be my favorite girl, even if you don’t put out for me.” You rolled your eyes, knowing he was joking so you let it slide. “You’re the only name I got saved in my phone, after all.” He reminded you, giving you a gentle pat on the back as the door swung open and the morning crew piled in. “Get home and get some sleep, baby. I’ll see you tomorrow, and I’ll be sure to tell him he’s a fuckin’ idiot.” He stepped away from the counter, nodding at the morning staff as they passed by.

“See you tomorrow, Dyl.” You breathed, refilling your cup with soda as you watched him walk towards the door. “Thanks again.”

“Don’t mention it.” He said, backing into the push-door and stepping into the early morning air. You watched as he disappeared into the parking lot, the peek of sunshine on the horizon sending his shadow over the gravel below, growing larger as he approached his car.

“You okay, Y/N?” Betty, an older waitress approached you as she tied her apron around her back. You broke yourself from your thoughts, swiping away the lingering tears under your eyes as you gave her a nod.

“Yeah, f’course.” You assured her, pushing yourself off the counter. “You have a good shift, now. I’ll see you this afternoon.” You offered her a smile, shoving your tips in your pocket as you grabbed your bag from the counter. You felt bad for avoiding her, but talking about Vincent was not something you were keen on doing with someone who would never understand. For some reason, you still felt the need to defend his name, even when he did all he could to trash yours.

You sent a wave over your shoulder, sickened at the memory of the words spat in your direction, but forcing your legs to carry you outside and continue on despite wanting to lie down and give up. The fresh air felt nice, but the vibrations of your phone in your back pocket did not. You fished it out, glancing at the screen to see who was calling. Your lips dipped down into a frown, seeing Danny’s name scrawled across the screen but not having the heart to answer. Instead, you let it ring to voicemail as you walked down the street towards your apartment, pulling a cigarette from behind your ear and lighting it with an almost dead lighter in your pocket. After a few moments, you drafted up a reply for Daniel, apologizing for not answering and letting him know you were much too tired to talk tonight.

You would send it when you got home, when you had peace and quiet so you could truly suffer through and process the wrath of your raging heartbreak. You felt guilty for brushing him off, but you couldn’t let him see you like this over a boy you promised you were well and done with. Danny didn’t deserve silence, especially not after the plethora of goodness he’d granted in your life, but that’s all you could afford to give him in the moment. You thought it was for the best, unwilling to subject him to the pain that you were constantly suffering from, unable to cause a change in the beauty of your relationship with the darkness Vincent carried around with him. Instead, you had a date with the bathroom floor and possibly even a cold shower (if the pipes were willing to grant you water flow, that is), which was the least appealing idea when you knew the comfort of Danny’s arms.

Once again, without even knowing, Vincent managed to wiggle his way through the boundaries you’d set in place, ruining every good thing you’d been working so hard at building up.

Once again, you were letting Vincent ruin your life. Instead of acting to change it, you would go back tomorrow and try to make amends for something that was never your fault to begin with.

This time, your heart was not the only one at stake, and the universe was begging you to realize it before it was too late.

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