#IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!!! IM SO CLOSE TO CUTTING IT MYSELF

[borrelia]

so beyond ready for my hair to get cut on thursday... oughghhg the timing is so perfect IT NEEDS TO BE CUT IT'S DRIVING ME MAD

[nightowlfandom]

Anime! Fictional! BTS x Real World! Reader- Welcome To My World~ Episode 1

HEY HEY! IM SO EXCITE! Btw who here plays BTS World? This is very loosely based off that.

I need to download it again tbh.

CHECKOUT MY MASTERLIST HERE!

Leggo!

...

What does it mean to escape? To get away. If it means leaving behind all you know, all you’ve been raised to know, all you’ve been led to believe, with just yourself and the clothes on your back. Scary, but thrilling. Terrifying, but inviting. Unbelievable, but definitely possible....

...

On a early Tuesday morning where the sun was barely grazing the orange sky, you sat by your windowsill. You were dreamily staring out into the halo that was a mixture of red and orange. The halo of greyish clouds matched your mood to a complete tee. The aesthetic beauty of nature wasn’t enough to make you smile or even blink twice, however. It was always like this though. Yet something about this scene made you go sour.

Releasing a sigh, you stepped away from the window, shutting the curtains. Another day, the same thing. All you could do was attempt to power through.

As you lazily pulled your shirt over your head, you had managed to dodge that annoying dog. The little brat wasn’t even yours, but your oh-so loving step-sister’s. He always had a affinity for making your room a hot mess.  Only yours in particular. 

“Get out of here you little-.” you chased the dog out of your room, slamming your door as it scurried off. “What did you screw up this time?” you curiously scanned the room. Everytime that little fluffy beast rammed his little head into your personal space, something would end up broken, ripped, shattered, or completely destroyed beyond repair. 

You almost screamed when you saw a familiar book cover on the floor. You instantly dropped to your knees, praying to yourself that it wasn’t true. The cover had a pretty violent looking rip along with the first few pages. 

Your absolute reason for waking up in the morning was tarnished. A signed cover of BTS Universe Issue #1. Probably your one and only favorite series on planet Earth. You gingerly picked up the book, trying to inspect it with hopes that the damage was minimal. As little as this was, you almost felt like crying. However there was no time, you needed to tape up the pages and fast! Who cares if you missed breakfast.

...

“Morning Y/N!” Your step-dad greeted you in the kitchen. “You were upstairs an awful long time, I was about to send your mother to see if you were still up playing that game of yours!” he smiled warmly.

“Thanks Mr. Chai.” you replied politely. “I’m sorry I’m so late.”

“You know...Y/N...you could call me Dad.” he set a plate down on the table. “I know I’m not your father, but I want to be the best father-figure for you because I know...you haven’t really had that.”

You had to stop yourself from saying anything else. You haven’t had the best parental relationship, and your new step-dad really was trying. Maybe it was just his daughter that drove you nuts.

“Thank you.” you replied, smiling. “...Dad.” you winked, making finger guns. “Geez! You made a lot of food for just the four of us”

“ Well you ain’t see muffin, yet!” he winked. “You and Nari have a busy day today. She auditioning and you, my friend....well I don’t know exactly what you have planned for the day.”

“I’ll tell you if we can skip the food related puns.” you sat down at the table. It was a rule that everyone waited for everyone else. Even though you had taken the extra time to repair your copy of BTS Universe, you had seemed to be the first person down the stairs. In all honesty, you were just going to hang out at the comic store until Nari called to tell you she was done.

“Hey now, Donut kill my vibe!” he continued, laughing. “I have a million more of these, come on. Don’t go bacon my heart, Y/N.”

“Good job Y/N, you’ve gotten him started.” You mom came down the stairs in her little blazer and pencil skirt. “Whatever will we do now.”

“He did it himself, the guy’s an animal! You married a wild child, mom.” you joked. “He might just be a serial killer.”

“Don’t you mean...cereal killer?” he held up a box of Raisin Bran to make his point. You could only shake your head as your mother and step-father laughed together. Food related humor so early in the morning had to mean today wasn’t going to be a horrible as it started, at least for you.

“WHERE ARE MY THIGH HIGH BOOTS!” you heard a screech from upstairs. “THEY BETTER NOT BE IN YOUR ROOM, Y/N!”

“...WHY WOULD I WANT TO WEAR YOUR SHOES!” you yelled back after taking in a deep breath. “NARI, IF I WANTED TO BREAK MY ANKLES, I’D HAUL MYSELF DOWN THE STAIRS.”

“When will you two get along?” your mom shook her head. “It’s been three years.” 

“We don’t not get along.” You shook your head. “Not my fault she’s difficult.”

“I can think of a few times you’ve been difficult yourself, young lady.” you mother pointed a stern finger at you. “Like when you locked yourself in the room to read that silly cartoon of yours.”

“It’s not silly.” you defended yourself.

“Oh come on!” Nari’s voice voice could be heard alongside some loud footsteps. “I think it’s cute to be honest. Y/N here actually has a hobby besides stalking celebrities online.”

“Shut up, Nari.” you grumbled. “And keep your dog out of my room! He ruined my signed copy of BTS Universe!”

“Dorie got out again?” she seethed, looking annoyed. “I really have to put a bell on that dog.”

“Yeah.” you sighed, you bummed mood returning. Everyone knew just how much you loved that edition. You kept in in a super special display case, you cleaned the case every week, you kept your other issues on their own bookshelf along with your figurine and digital visual novel editions of the series. You were even on the buyer’s list for the special early anime release. You LOVED this series. Not even Nari dared to disrespect something as important as that, and she loved getting under your skin.

“I’m sure you’ll be able to find another one.” your mother set down a bowl of cereal in front of you along with a muffin. “Now eat, you have a big day today.”

“Yes mam.” you replied, helping yourself to some cereal.

“If you want, you can take a muffin or bagel with you.” your step dad said. 

“Dad! I can’t, I have to be super focused remember? Breakfast will just slow me down!” Nari scoffed.

“Not having breakfast will make it even worse, dummy. Dude, you’re gonna pass out on stage.” you threw a tiny cereal piece at her. “Eat something.”

“I’ll eat later, I just have my eye on the prize and nothing is going to stop me.” Nari stood up determined. 

“Will you at least eat some toast, crazy girl.” your mother said. “Y/N’s right, you need to at least have eaten something to calm your nerves. Y/N make sure Nari eats something before you two go your separate ways.”

“I’ll try, no promise.” you shrugged. “Nari, if you’re done, then get your stuff and let’s go.” You promptly finished your cereal and went to go back upstairs. “You got ten minutes.” 

“What’s her deal?” you could hear Nari ask, followed by an sudden whispering of your mom stating exactly what she thought was wrong with you. Your bet was on ‘everything’.

You walked back into your room, grabbing your purse from your desk. You eyed your taped up issue of BTS Universe #1. There was no way you were going to find another issue like that, and that damned dog just treated it like a loved toy. You grabbed your phone and shoved it into your purse. You went over to where the issue was and placed it on your desk. 

“NARI LET’S GO!” you shut the bedroom door behind you as you walked out the room. 

...

You sped to a stop outside the building. Nari was shaking in her shoes. She seemed hesitant to even open the door. 

“Call me when you’re finished so I can pick you up.” you said, getting ready to unlock the doors.

“You’re leaving me!?” Nari looked like she was about to explode.

“Hello?! It’s idol trainees only?” you raised an eyebrow. “I can’t go in there with you. Nari what’s the problem?”

“...Um...I’m nervous alright! I’m giving up almost everything and if I don’t get chosen...I’ll just prove my dad right. I need this.” she stared down at her hands. “I’m not used to being a reject. I don’t know how you-”

“You wanna leave here with two working legs, I suggest you don’t finished that sentence.” you cut her off. “I’m not a reject.”

“That’s not what I was gonna say. I’m saying I don’t know how you deal with nerves like this.” she looked like she was gonna pass out. 

“...You just do.” you nudged her shoulder. “You just go for it and hope. Go for it.”

“...Okay, I’ll try.” she opened the door. “...Thank you.” she stood up. “I’ll call you when I’m all set.” she shut the door. 

“I’ll literally be at the store around the corner.” you replied before driving off. You watched in the rear view as she took her sweet time going into the building. 

...(Later on)

You trudged behind Nari as she ran through the door. She seemed happy, so that must have meant the audition went well.

“I’m gonna take a nap.” you called to your mom and step-dad. “See you guys at dinner!”

You didn’t wait for them to reply before you closed the door. As you walked over to your bed, you noticed a disc laying on your bed. Just a random DVD. The closer you got, the font on the front got clearer.

“BTS World?” It didn’t look familiar in the slightest. “It’s called BTS Universe, Nice try Nari.” you wrote it off as a stupid prank by your oh-so-loving Step-Sister. It was only then you realized Nari was with you all day. 

You took another look at it, gently taking it in your hands. It looked like it was glowing. 

Call it curiosity, but you needed to know.

Your laptop was sitting at the edge of the bed, so you put the disc in. 

“State your name.” a voice came out of nowhere. 

“What?” you looked around in shock. The voice sounded like it came from right behind you.

“Please state your name.” the female robotic voice repeated. 

“Y/N.” 

“Are you sure that you want Y/N as your name?”

“Um Yes?” you raised an eyebrow. You still didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

“Would you like to start a new game? You don’t appear to have any saved filed under the name Y/N.”

Maybe you were sleepier than you thought, but you ran with it. “Yes.”

“Starting new game....now”

Your screen began glowing a bright blue, a vivid, saturated blue. It was like your screen had turned into a flashlight. 

“What the fu-” you suddenly stared at your hands, the very tips of your fingers turned pixelated. “MOM!!!” You tried to scream, only to have it come out in the form on an echo. You felt your feet leave the ground as tiny little pixels moved towards your computer. You could see the color draining from your walls, leaving everything white. It was like an earthquake ran through your room...only through your room.

Then...everything went dark.

...

(Why hello there...LET US PREPARE. I’m gonna go through with it this time, I swear on my bacon! The guys are coming next chappie!)

[dadzawa-adopt-dabi]

“Expectations” snippit.

⚠️This Fic premis is pretty dark. Dabi does not talk to Keigo and Keigo is... A Dick here. I’m currently not sure if they will stay together for this Fic, I do plan to try to fix them but it might just not happen. Under cut contains CW’s for: past sec work and slut shaming.⚠️

Dabi is sulking around a closed pawn shop. He’s waiting for Keigo to show up so they can get on with their mission and probably head back to Keigo’s place again. Rings displayed in the window. Cheap ugly things, not one of them match and most are scratched, but wedding rings. He tries not to stare at them. He’s really not the type to marry.

Keigo arrives and Dabi looks away from him. Away from Keigo's handsome face and how he likes to loom a bit too close. In avoiding Keigo’s eyes his own end up locking onto the rings in the pawnshops window display. Maybe under their shi-.

"For fucks sake Dabi. If your going to rob a store for jewelry have some class about it. Theres a place 3 blocks up if your not too lazy to rob a actual jewelry store instead of this pathetic pawn shop." Hawks throws his arm around Dabi.  Casually touching him in the way best friends or young boys do, not in the familiar comforting way a lover does.

"Fuck you." Dabi doubts Keigo even considers him a lover. He throws the arm off him and starts toward their destination, if he walks and talks then this will be over sooner and Keigo won’t have anymore time to spout stupid shit. 

Dabi’s determined not to look back at the rings, one had a kanji for hope on it, another fire. Just scratched metal with too much significance, his chest still felt tight. Too fitting for them, he would have hated them.

"Well if your hard up for money Dabi, I'd be happy to help you out. What were your old rates again?" Its teasing, but falls flat. Anyone else Dabi would have laughed along with them and cracked a wise joke. He cracked terrible jokes about it with the LoV frequently as well as letting them lightly tease him on better days.

Keigo would however, and while hes never been ashamed of that part of his past, Dabi dosen't want them to be like that. No money exchanged between them, just peices of himself for a imitation of what Keigo could give him if he were anyone else.

"I Dont do that anymore. Already told you I quit when I joined up with Shig and them." He quietly mutters and pulls out a cigarette. It starts to rain and Hawks pulls out two umbrella’s. 

“So you’ve said. Villains lie though, and I was just offering.” He snatches Dabi’s hand when he reaches for the one Hawks hold out for him and presses a kiss to it. 

Dabi isnt the type to even like marriage. But maybe just the rings wouldnt have been so bad. Something small just for him really. Maybe he’ll come back later and grab them both.

AN: look, im driving myself nuts with this au now okay? ive sent it to 3 discords and my best friend. it just, wont leave me alone at this point.

[brynnmck]

 Tagged by @agirlnamedkeith, @pretty--thief, and @samirant, thank you! <333

What is the colour of your hairbrush? Mostly black, with a green ring on it.

Name a food you never eat: I have quite a few foods I can’t eat anymore thanks to some random health issues I developed a few years back (friends, aging is great from a mental/emotional perspective, Not Great from a physical perspective) but in terms of voluntary stuff, green peppers. I’ve outgrown a lot of my childhood food dislikes but that one is in my SOUL.

Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold, definitely.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? I was in a boring meeting!

What’s your favourite candy bar?  Probably Snickers? I really like 100 Grand too, though. And Butterfinger. And Twix. And I want Claire Saffitz to make all of them for me.

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? I’ve been going to Major League baseball games since I was a kid (it was my dad’s favorite sport), and the past few years, I’ve been to 20-30 games a season. I usually go for my birthday, too, which is in a couple of weeks, and it’s just kinda sinking in that there will be no birthday baseball for me this year. :(

What was the last thing you said out loud? Just saying hi to my husband. 

What is your favourite ice cream? Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. I can’t have caffeine anymore so this summer I’m gonna try to make a decaf version for myself. (WHY IS ALMOST ALL COFFEE ICE CREAM CAFFEINATED. There are so many reasons people can’t have caffeine! Sigh.)

What was the last thing you had to drink? Water!

Do you like your wallet? Sure? It’s a nice blue and it holds my stuff.

What was the last thing you ate? Fruit and Greek yogurt for breakfast.

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? I didn’t! I actually ordered a couple of soft bras from TomboyX on Monday, but nothing on the weekend.

What’s the last sporting event you watched? A replay of an old Mariners game a couple of nights ago. If we’re talking live sports, I watched about half of a Korean baseball league game a few nights back, which was delightful.

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? Butter!

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? @ajoblotofjunk 

Ever go camping? Not in a long time. My husband has been getting the urge to go lately, though, so maybe we will!

Do you take vitamins? I take supplements due to the aforementioned health issues. And vitamin B.

Do you go to church every Sunday? Lol no. My mother is very Catholic and she brought us to 6 am Mass every weekday when I was a kid. It was well-intentioned (her dad had a pretty volatile temperament and she always felt safe at church, so she subconsciously wanted us to feel the same way) but it did not sell me on the experience! Heh.

Do you have a tan? I live in the Seattle area and it’s May, so... lol no. I’m also pretty pale so I don’t get that tan anyway, but. I usually get a little something going in the summer, enough to have tan lines anyway.

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? Tough call, but I’m going with pizza.

Do you drink your soda through a straw? I don’t drink soda anymore (though I drink a LOT of carbonated water), but I’ll drink my drink through a straw if I get it at a fast-food place. Otherwise I don’t usually use one.

What colour socks do you usually wear? Most of my winter socks for work are black. Otherwise it’s a pretty random selection of colors.

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? Sure. Usually 5-10 miles over, rarely more (or less) than that.

What terrifies you? Climate change. Global pandemics. You know. Just generally suffering (both mine and other people’s).

Look to your left. What do you see? Through window of the room I’m sitting in: my neighbors’ house, and a cherry tree in their yard.

What chore do you hate most? Cleaning the bathrooms.

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? The hot Australian woman who’s been on Gold Rush recently, or a dear fannish friend of mine I haven’t talked to in years who is actually from New Zealand and I KNOW IT’S VERY DIFFERENT but it’s close enough to make me think of her!

What’s your favourite soda? I used to drink a lot of Diet Mountain Dew. I really miss ginger beer, too. I love a good spicy ginger beer. Root beer too.

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? Drive-thru all the way. Isn’t that part of the advantage of fast food?

What’s your favourite number? I don’t really have one!

Who’s the last person you talked to? My husband!

Favourite cut of beef? Boneless ribeye. I finally bought a propane grill a couple of years back and I have now learned to make a badass steak, if I say so myself.

Last song you listened to? Eve 6 - Inside Out. A few months ago I suddenly remembered that this song existed and so I bought it and now I have to listen to it at least twice every time it comes up, ha.

Last book you read? An as-yet-unpublished Rose Lerner novel, because I am very lucky! (It’s a wlw Gothic. SUCH A GOOD CONCEPT.)

Favourite day of the week? Saturday

Can you say the alphabet backwards? In this economy??? Idk, I could probably figure it out, but it would definitely be work.

How do you like your coffee? I love a caramel macchiato, especially iced so you get those weird globules of caramel coming up through the straw. But a nonfat decaf double latte with a little bit of some kind of syrup is my go-to these days--hot when it’s cold out, iced when it’s warm out.

Favourite pair of shoes? I have these 40s-ish heels that tie over your instep with a little bow and I love them. I also have some extremely cool red velvet with black cording peep-toe Louboutins that I bought off some discount site years ago, except I can’t wear them for long because they’re about a half size too small. But they’re SO PRETTY.

Time you normally get up? In isolation, I’m discovering that my natural sleep schedule is about 2 am - 10 am. But I have a daily meeting at 9:30, and I try to get my workout done before that, so I get up at 8-8:30ish. I am discovering through this meme that SO MANY of you are morning people! What is that like???

Sunrises or sunsets? I love sunrises but I am not remotely a morning person, so. I see a lot more sunsets, and I love them too!

How many blankets are on your bed? Just one duvet.

Describe your kitchen plates. We have some with blue perimeters and kind of a white/oatmeal middle that we inherited from my in-laws, and the ones we actually bought on purpose are white on top and either sage-y green or charcoal black on the bottom.

Describe your kitchen at the moment. Somewhat messy, or at least there are dishes to do. I made some pretty epic cauliflower mushroom risotto with shrimp last night, though, so it was for a good cause.

Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? Perfect Manhattans with rye are my go-to, or a Quebecois, which is basically a perfect Manhattan with a little bit of maraschino liqueur added (and ideally a lemon twist, though we’re usually too lazy for those). In the summer, I’m getting really into gin these days: either gin and tonic, gin and some kind of citrus spiked seltzer, or a Last Word. I also really love a good craft beer, and sparkling wine too.

Do you play cards? Not really. We used to play a shit ton of gin rummy in high school, but I haven’t really played cards much since.

What colour is your car? Blue!

Do you know how to change a tire? Theoretically yes, though the one time I actually tried to do it myself, I had a hell of a time getting the lug nuts off. I was fortunately in my driveway at the time (good place for a flat tire!) and my neighbors kept coming by and offering to help, and I was like NO I WANNA DO IT. I think I did need help eventually, though. Stupid pneumatic tools at tire installation places!

Your favourite state? That rare, usually-brief phase of writing where everything seems to fit and flow and you’re a genius and you understand all the secrets of the cosmos. Also Washington.

Favourite job you’ve had? My current one. It’s not my dream job, but it pays well and I like my team and I get to learn new stuff fairly often and I can work from home in the midst of all this, so. I am very lucky!

How did you get your biggest scar? The summer after my freshman year of college, I was part of a summer stock theatre troupe, and we performed half the summer at my college, and half the summer in a very small town in eastern Oregon that had an outdoor stage. One of my entrances involved running over the grass to get to the stage, and one night the grass was wet, and my costume involved ballet slippers, and I slipped and fell onto the stage stairs in front of the whole audience. It hurt SO MUCH that I got very light-headed onstage while I was trying to get through the scene, lol. Anyway, my costume also involved harem pants that had elastic around the calf/ankle area, and I got a friction burn from those, which ended up scarring because the skin over your shins is very thin! (I also got a few massive bruises on my leg that didn’t go away for weeks, so eventually my mom nagged me into going to the doctor, who promptly started gently hinting to see if my boyfriend at the time was responsible for the injuries. Which was actually pretty cool of the doctor! But then I was like, lol no, trust me, a hundred people saw me bite it, this is 100% dumbass mistake.) And that’s my scar story.

Tagging, if you want to do it: @ajoblotofjunk, @snowymary, @halcyon-red, @it-may-be-dull-but-im-determined, @unadulteratedkr, and anyone else who feels like doing this!

[purplesurveys]

1128

[created by: pinkchocolate]

When was the last time you were surprised, in a pleasant way? Wednesday when Bea had food delivered to my house. One of our clients was hosting a roundtable session and our task was to order food to be delivered to the attendees’ house, and it turns out she snuck in an order for me as well. 

It was super touching and I tried to do a nice deed yesterday by getting food for her as well; but as I mentioned on my previous survey, I got paired with a scammer delivery guy instead who ended up stealing my order...that I already paid for... :( It was such a flop and I ended up having to give away the surprise to Bea since I had to check if she received it, and that’s when I learned she never got anything. I’ll try again next week or whenever I get my money refunded, hahaha.

What color was the last fruit or vegetable that you ate? Green (green onion).

Is there a compliment you've received, that sticks in your mind? I like it whenever I’m told I write well, since that’s my main talent and it’s always nice to be complimented on my skills.

The last time you received a gift, what did the wrapping paper look like? I have no idea but probably red/green and holiday-themed since it most likely had been a Christmas gift.

What was the last book you read? Did you enjoy it? Not reading anything.

If so, what did you specifically like about it?

Anyone you haven't talked to in a while, that you'd like to hear from? Not really. It’d be cool to hang out with Sofie again because I haven’t seen her since our little trip to Nasugbu, but I’m not necessarily waiting on a message from them.

When you were a kid, did you own any accessories with your name on? Probably a bracelet.

Do you own any items of clothing that you haven't yet worn? Yup. I got a yellow romper from one of my aunts for Christmas, but I haven’t had the chance to wear it yet. It’s short and airy, so I’ll probably pull it out once the climate gets warmer again.

Were you awake before 8am today? Yeah, I got up at 4:30 earlier even though I fell asleep at like midnight. I think my body understands that my brain wants me to get as little sleep as possible during weekends so I can maximize my free time, so it woke me up by then.

Is there any food in your house at the moment, that you're looking forward to eating? I still have some of the chicken wings that Bea ordered for me. She got such a huge order and it’s taking me forever to finish the damn box of wings lol.

Is there anyone you know who dislikes the Internet, technology etc.? My grandma refuses to learn how to use a phone or laptop. Which confuses me because usually she’ll ask my mom to relay a message to one of her friends who are on Facebook, and my mom ends up playing messenger. Like pls just get at least a Facebook account if you want to keep keeping in touch with your acquaintances anyway :(((

Name any item in your bedroom that is blue. Trying to remember what’s in my room since I’m currently staying in the living room...and I think I have push pins that are blue.

Is there an ice-cream flavor that you strongly dislike? Which one? Rocky road and Double Dutch. Marshmallows and/or nuts in my ice cream is a big nope.

Are there any cat cafes in your hometown? There could be but I’ve heard little of them. I’m more aware of existing dog cafes.

Do you own any books with an image of a cat on the front cover? I doubt it.

Does anything you own have an image of a bird on it? It’s possible, but again I’m not in my room to check if that’s the case.

Do you know anyone named Abigail? Yes, my mom.

Do you ever use flavored lip balms? I don’t use lip balms at all.

^ If you do, what flavors do you like the most? Kate once had a peanut butter lip scrub that I loooooved to borrow. Other than that, the strawberry ones are nice too.

Does anyone you know own a spaniel? How about an Irish setter? My great-aunt once had a spaniel. Not sure about Irish setters.

What are your plans for the remainder of today? I wanna eat at La Creperie and spoil myself a litle bit, but we’ll see if I’ll have the energy to drive to the mall today. I’ll also have some work to do since we have a presentation on Monday :(

--

[created by: pinkchocolate]

Have you met somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Yeah, ideally that would’ve been the case but they thought differently. I admittedly still feel the same, but I’ve also since been able to move on and move forward. If that makes sense.

Who was your closest friend when you were 7 years old? Do you still speak to that person? I actually met Angela when we were 7. And yes, we’re still the best of friends. I just shot a birthday greeting video for her mom last night.

Who was the last male you talked to? Does he have facial hair? Technically it was Cooper, but the last male person had been my dad. He does but for the most part he keeps it to a stubble.

How many times does the letter 'R' occur in your full name? Twice; in my first name and in my surname.

Is there anyone you love, whose name starts with 'S'? Sure, I can think of a couple of relatives whose names start with S.

What color is your TV remote? I haven’t used a remote in ages lmao, but if I remember correctly ours is mainly black.

When was the last time you went to a wedding? Who got married? 2007. My uncle and his then-girlfriend, who of course became my aunt when they wed. We’ve since had relatives who got married after that period, but for all those occasions only my parents received an invitation. It’s understandable though, I know they want to save up on costs and stuff.

Name a band you like, that starts with the 2nd letter of your name. One Direction is the only group coming to mind.

Have you ever dressed up as a Disney character? Which one? My 7th birthday gown was inspired by Cinderella’s, but it wasn’t the same exact dress as it was orange.

Have you ever played chess? If so, are you good at it? No. I’ve never been able to understand the rules.

If I wanted to buy you a chocolate bar, what kind should I NOT get? Mr. Goodbar has always been the least exciting chocolate to get hahaha.

Of all your close friends, who have you known the longest? Angela.

Do you own anything that has an image of a butterfly on it? Again, I could. I can’t think of any particular item, though.

Has anyone told you recently that they miss you? Yes, orgmates for the most part.

What was the last song you heard, that made you feel emotional? HYD by Hayley Williams.

What color are the socks you're currently wearing? I’m not wearing any socks right now. < Me neither.

How many friends do you have whose name starts with the letter 'R'? Just Rita.

How many vowels are there in your first name? One. Two if you count y.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Last Saturday, I think.

Name someone you know who has curly hair. Andi.

Have you ever worn orange eye-shadow? Never tried.

Name a song that reminds you of someone close to you. Be Alright by Dean Lewis.

Has anyone ever walked out of your life with no explanation? Yeah but they tried very poorly to keep in touch. It ended up being detrimental to me more than anything else so I took the initiative to be one step ahead and cut ties altogether.

Do you know anyone else with the same first name as you? I can think of one Robyn and one Robin.

Think back to 10 years ago. What TV show(s) were you into? Wrestling programs were all I watched as a 13 year old.

Do you have a favorite T-shirt? What color is it? Yes, one of my wrestling shirts. It’s predominantly white but it has some black and red on it as well.

As a child, did you ever have any scented gel pens or markers? Yessssssss. I spent more time sniffing them than writing with them too, lol.

Name an alcoholic beverage that you dislike. I find whiskey pretty nasty. I hate beer as well but sometimes I gotta drink it, especially when socializing.

Do you own anything that previously belonged to someone else? I wouldn’t say I own them; they do belong to the original owner and I’m just still borrowing them.

Who is the 8th contact in your phone? How did you meet them? That would be Angela haha; we met when we got assigned to be seatmates in 1st grade since our surnames were arranged alphabetically in class.

Is there anyone who sends you messages to say good morning/night? No.

Can you recall the last time you were on a dance floor? March 2020, at a club with mostly Hans’s friends.

Have you ever let someone go, and then regretted it? No.

Do you own any color changing mood jewelry? Nope and I don’t believe in those either so I don’t see a reason why I should get my own.

--

[created by: pinkchocolate]

Was there anything that you planned to do today, but didn't? It’s only 7:06 AM so I’ll refer to my plans yesterday instead – I wanted to continue working on a Google Slides presentation by nighttime, but I was so tired from my shift yesterday and even got a migraine that I never got around to it. I’ll have to work on it this weekend instead.

Is there anyone you interact with often on social media but not in person? I mean, hasn’t this been the case over the last year with the pandemic? I communicate mainly through social media now, if not through IM apps like Viber.

What color box does your favorite cereal come in? Don’t really like cereal. The closest thing I have to a ‘favorite,’ Cookie Crisps, comes in a white box, though.

Do you have any plates, dishes, mugs etc. with pretty illustrations on them? Nah, don’t really like printed stuff. Angela had a customized Friends-themed mug made for me but I wouldn’t call it an ~illustration, since the main design is just my name styled in the Friends logo.

Does anywhere on your body currently hurt, or feel sore? I actually took a break from this survey to take Cooper for a walk, and I think I can confirm that I definitely have some kind of allergy to grass. My legs were super irritated the whole time and my skin has since turned reddish.

What is your favorite snack to eat with a hot beverage? Croissants.

Is there any advice you have been given, that sticks in your mind? “Let your healing take time,” from Andi. He also accompanied it the advice with an anecdote about this basketball player who insisted on playing even while he was still dealing with an injury, and playing only aggravated that injury so he was forced to sit out for an even longer time than what was initially set for him. That was really helpful and I keep it close to me to this day.

What's the nicest advice you have ever been given about love/relationships? Know when it’s enough and when to leave, and be kind to yourself.

Do you own any adult coloring books? What kind(s) do you like? Yeah, I have like three thick ones. I just haven’t gotten the chance to touch them because for the meantime I only have cheap coloring pencils that start to get dull after a few strokes. I’ve yet to buy a more premium set of pencils.

When was the last time you got some new headphones? Headphones would be 2013 when my dad got me a pair of Beats. Not a big user so I haven’t felt the need to get new ones.

Is there a lamp in your living room? What color is its shade? No but my mom has wanting to get one for a while. She just can’t seem to find one that she likes.

Do you know anyone whose name starts with the letter X? I went to high school with a Xenia. Super nice guy; we were close friends for a while since we were seatmates, and our friend groups also overlapped.

Have you eaten any rice or pasta today? Not yet. I will definitely be eating rice though, because Philippines.

Name a food that you dislike the texture of. I don’t like rice pudding at all, or oatmeal. But those are also taste issues as well as texture issues. < Oooh, oatmeal is a good one. I also could never enjoy marshmallows in my ice cream.

Which of your friends do you confide in the most? Angela.

Have you ever fallen out of love with someone? I wouldn’t say that. There will still always be a part of me that has some sort of feelings for my exes. But the extent to which I love them/care about them fades over time, thankfully. < Yeah, exactly.

^ If so, why do you think that happened?

If you have pets, do you talk to them? Sure.

Are there any TV shows that you strongly dislike, but others seem to love? I tried to get into Grey’s Anatomy or Glee on Netflix, because they were “popular”, but I tried a few episodes, and just couldn’t seem to get into them. < OMG same again, especially with Grey’s??? I tried watching it a couple of weeks ago but I noped out as soon as I heard how poppish the theme song was. I’ve always thought it was a serious drama show but it turned out to have so many teen show elements to it that I was definitely taken aback. The script and some of the acting also kind of sucked, so that was a letdown.

Is there anything you haven't done lately, that you'd like to do soon? Coloring.

Do you own any T-shirts with brand logos on them? Yes, my dad got me a Vegemite shirt from his last contract abroad hahah. He was staying in Australia and I asked him to get a jar of Vegemite so I can finally have a taste, but I think he was scared that I’d hate it and end up throwing out the whole jar so he just got me a shirt instead lol. I’ve also got a Nike shirt somewhere in my closet.

Have you experienced any kind of food cravings lately? Surprisingly not. I’ve been longing to eat at La Creperie again but I’m not craving for anything particular.

Have you watched or read the news today? I watch the news every weeknight since we have it on during dinner.

Describe the cover illustration of the book closest to you. Can’t see any books near me.

Are there any take-away or fast food places close to your house? There’s a McDonald’s literally beside our village, and beside it are a Shakey’s and a Dunkin’ Donuts. There’s also a Burger King right across. If you drive for like five more seconds, there’ll also be a Starbucks.

^ If so, do you ever order food from any of them? Only from Starbucks. I don’t really get fast food anymore.

Is there anything happening tomorrow, that you're looking forward to? Nothing yet so far.

[dr0wning-in-hell]

Till You Go Nuts - Cisco Ramon

Summary : Y/N decided to tease her boyfriend at work by wearing her most revealing outfit and doing the most subtle things ever. By the end of the day, she’s given what she was craving for all day.

Word Count : 2.9k +

Warnings : smuuuttt, teasing, flustered!cisco, thigh riding, dry humping, fingering, oral, cursing, loottsss of dirty talk from both parties, just smut really

Pairing / Characters : Cisco Ramon x reader, Barry Allen, Caitlyn Snow, Iris West-Allen, Ralph

Prompt : “Okay Swoon killed me. Please forgive me but could we get another nsfw Cisco?? Like, maybe the readers teasing him all day at Star Labs in subtle ways but it drives him NUTS so he breached her home to be all dominating?? Ashdjgikrn im sorry I just loved your other fic and it made this pop into my head!! Tysm!” - anon

A/N : I had to rewrite this three times bc I’m stupid and accidentally deleted twice. :( but here it is, enjoy :)

new masterlist | requests | prompt list

Y/N woke up with a master plan on getting herself laid that day. No, it wasn’t going to be just by anyone, but by her long term boyfriend Cisco Ramon. He had teased her the week before with subtle ass grabbing and occasional slip ups of some things that only she would know about, leaving her flustered and angry for the rest of the day. Today it was her turn to get her revenge. 

She started off with a shower, using Cisco’s favorite smelling shampoo and body wash to get the show on the roll. After that she dressed herself in a leather skirt, paired with low cut band t-shirt that showed just a little too much cleavage. To finish the look off she slid on a leather jacket and some heels. Once she thought her outfit was finished she headed to S.T.A.R. Labs. Upon walking into the Cortex she sprayed Cisco’s favorite perfume all over herself. 

When the elevator door opened she strode into the Cortex, the sound of her heels clicking against the tiled floor grabbing everyone’s attention. Cisco turned around, his jaw dropping to the ground at the sight of his stunning girlfriend. 

“Wow Y/N, trying to outdress us much?” Iris teased. Y/N shrugged, a smirk growing across her lips. From the corner of her eye she could see Cisco gawking over her. 

“Well you’re just on time, we were just talking about our newest enemy.” Caitlyn began to explain the situation to her, Y/N, still going on with her plan now leaning over the desk and giving not only Cisco, but the newest member Ralph, a show. When Cisco caught Ralph looking down his girlfriend’s shirt he made sure to point it out.

“Stop starring down my girlfriend’s shirt, Dipney.” Cisco growled. The way Cisco was becoming possessive over Y/N turned her on more than it should have, but she couldn’t help that fire in the pit of  her stomach when he acted like that. 

When Barry and Ralph left to go fight their newest enemy, Y/N got extra close to Cisco as he talked to Barry through the coms. Y/N would lean in from behind him and place chaste kisses on the back of his neck when she knew Iris and Caitlyn were too busy focusing on the situation at hand. Cisco tried to his best to ignore his girlfriend, but with the way she was dressed and the small kisses it was getting harder and harder to ignore her. 

“Cisco! Cisco are you even there?” Barry yelled through the coms.

Cisco shook his head from his thoughts and replied to the hero, leaving Y/N smirking behind him. Her plan was working just like she wanted it to. She was sure that within maybe two or three hours tops Cisco would be putty in her hands. 

Barry and Ralph got back to S.T.A.R. Labs moments later, exhausted from the fight. They hadn’t apprehended the enemy, leaving them a little anxious and angry. 

“He’ll show up again, don’t stress about it. For now, you all need to get to work, Cisco and I can stay here.” Y/N said, patting Ralph on the shoulder and then looking back at her boyfriend with a certain gleam in her eye. “Right, Cisco.”

The meta human contained himself, only barely though and nodded at his girlfriend. “Yeah, right. We can stay back in case anything happens or this guy shows up again.” The rest of the team agreed and left to go to their separate jobs. Once everyone was gone Cisco shot a glare in Y/N’s direction. “What was all that earlier? Teasing me while Barry and Ralph were on a mission?” He growled. Cisco got up and walked over to Y/N who was waiting patiently at one of the desks. 

“Whatever are you talking about, my love?” Y/N smirked, “I wasn’t teasing you.” 

Cisco’s hands gripped his girlfriend’s waist, pulling her closer to him. He just wanted to feel her skin, feel her against him, and she wanted the exact same thing. The meta human’s knew separated Y/N’s, placing his thigh under her cunt. Y/N was desperate for any type of contact with Cisco, so when he started grinding her hips down onto his clothed thigh she couldn’t help the moan that escaped her lips. 

“Think you can get away with teasing me like that? What if Iris or Caitlyn saw what you were up to, huh? What would you have done then?” Cisco was moving her hips faster now, pressing her clothed clit harder against his thigh. Y/N moaned loudly, head tilting back. “That’s not an answer, baby, what would you have done if they caught you?” 

“I- I would have continued.” Y?N let out breathlessly, “I would have kept going.” Y/N was losing her leverage against Cisco, she had to get the game back in her control. Even though she didn’t want to, Y/N pushed herself off of Cisco’s thigh and away from him. “I’m not done teasing you yet, I’m gonna tease you till you go nuts. Till you can’t help it anymore, not being able to touch me, not being able to have my pussy wrapped around your cock. Baby, you haven’t seen anything yet.” With that she wondered off, leaving Cisco standing there with his mouth wide open, a wet spot on his pants from where her soaking cunt was pressed against him, and a raging boner. 

Y/N was not seen for another hour, she had started working on something in Cisco’s lab, a project they had been neglecting for a while now. Cisco went to his lab looking for her, and was happy when he saw her working on their project. “Damnit!” Y/N said angrily as she threw a piece of metal across the room. 

“Hey, no throwing stuff in my lab.” Cisco teased. He never liked people throwing things in his lab, but Y?N was usually en exception to that. “What’s the problem?” He asked as he walked to his girlfriend. 

“You know that piece we found the other day that we thought would fit into the machine? Yeah, doesn’t fit.” Y/N put her head in her hands, “I don’t think we’ll ever get this done.” She mumbled. 

Cisco rubbed Y/N’s back, trying to get her to calm down or relieve some stress. “We’ll get it done babe, it’s just gonna take longer than we thought it would.” Y/N nodded and got up from the stool and went to grab the piece that she had thrown across the room. Smirking, she bent over, her skirt rising and showing off her electric blue, lacy panties. She heard Cisco groan behind her, then the scrape of the metal stool against the concrete floor. 

Y/N was pulled upwards, her ass colliding with Cisco’s evident bulge. “I think I’ve had enough of your teasing, princess.” Cisco’s hands were everywhere, Y/N’s throat, her chest, her stomach, her legs, everywhere except where she needed him most.

“Then why don’t you do something about it?” Cisco smirked, one hand leaving Y/N and reaching out to create a breach. 

“I thought you’d never ask.” Cisco pulled Y/N through the breach that landed them straight into their bedroom. “Now baby, you are going to follow all of my rules, my commands, and if you disobey me at any time you’ll be punished. Am I making myself clear?” Y/N nodded furiously, her skin already heating up with he thoughts of Cisco may do to her if she disobeyed. In a way, she wanted to see what would happen. “Strip for me, love. Want to see what you’ve been wearing underneath this sexy outfit all day.” 

Y/N didn’t hesitate to get herself undressed, leaving herself in the electric blue set of lingerie. The way Cisco’s eyes were raking up and down her body cause heat to flush her skin, and pool in her lower region. She felt so exposed to him like this even though they had had sex so many times before. This time she felt like the prey, while Cisco was the hunter about to get what he wanted 

“So beautiful, and all for me.” Cisco stepped forward and stood in front of his lover, his hands reaching out to her hips and pulling her forward. His knee parted her legs as he seated her on his thigh. “You’re gonna ride my thigh until you cum, darling, want to see you get off on my thigh.” Y/N nodded and slowly started rocking her clothed core against the fabric of Cisco’s pants. The friction seemed to take forever to build up into something, but as soon as he started pushing her hips down onto his thigh harder it began to build up. 

The moans flowing from Y/N’s mouth made Cisco’s cock strain against his trousers, making the pain he had already felt worsen. As Y/N rode his thigh and chased her first orgasm, Cisco began to rock his thigh up into cunt, his fingers bruising her hips as he gripped her to keep her in place. 

“Ci-Cisco, baby I’m gonna cum.” Y/N whimpered, her hips stuttering against Cisco’s thigh. Once those words came from her mouth Cisco pulled Y/N from his thigh, and then pulled himself away from her. “What the hell?” Y/N screeched, her orgasm so close and now so far away. 

“You’ll get what’s coming to you, princess, just you wait,” Cisco stripped himself of his clothes, finally releasing the built up tension between his boxer briefs and his cock. “We’re gonna try something new, I want you to ride my face whilst sucking me off.” Y/N’s ears burned at the thought of Cisco eating the life out of her, while she gave him head. 

Y/N watched as he laid back on the bed, pulling his hair from his face and then looking at Y/N to beckon her over. She crawled over to him, heart hammering in her chest. “Sit on my face baby, then turn around.” She did as told, positioning her dripping cunt over his lips and then turning around to face his erection. “So wet,” Cisco mumbled, his lips ghosted her parted lips sending chills down her spine. “Go ahead and get started baby.” 

Dropping her head, Y/N licked at the tip, collecting the precum that was leaking from it, then slowly she began to ease her head down his length. The sudden connection of her warm mouth to his aching member caused Cisco to accidentally buck his hips up and force more of his cock down her throat. Y/N gagged, but stayed still and steady until she started bobbing her head. While she was sucking him off, Cisco had pulled her lace panties aside and was eating her pussy so right that she almost stopped breathing. His lips were sucking at her clit, flicking his tongue back and forth on the nub, then sliding it into her glistening hole. The sensation of the new angle was bringing Y/N back to the brink of her first orgasm. She was silently praying that he wouldn’t pull away again and leave her on the edge. 

Cisco began to eat her out harder, basically shoving his face into her cunt. After a while he pushed two of his fingers into her pussy, causing a delicious moan to leave her mouth. “Mm, you like my fingers in your cunt, princess? You like my mouth on you while I fuck you with my fingers.” Cisco felt Y/N nod against his member, causing a weird, but delightful sensation to run through his body. He got back to work at her core, sucking at her clit while shoving his fingers in and out of her, occasionally curling them to hit a that one spot inside her that sent her hips bucking down onto this mouth. 

Y/N pulled back from Cisco’s cock, a string of saliva following her plump lips. “Cisco, please let me cum, I need it, please.” She begged, her hand now jerking him off. 

“Gonna cum in that pretty mouth of yours while cum on my lips, you got that?” Y/N nodded, placing her mouth back on his tip and hollowing out her cheeks as she began to suck him off harder. Cisco’s fingers moved faster and harder in her pussy until she was gripping his fingers and she was screaming against his dick. Cisco placed his lips at her entrance just in time to catch the sweetness that came from her as she let out her first orgasm. Her hips stuttered and bucked, moans fell from lips and were muffled as she still had her lips wrapped out his dick. Not long after Cisco came after her, hot strings of his seed spilling into her mouth and down her throat. When they had both come down from their highs, Y/N rolled off of him, chest heaving as she caught her breathe. 

“Oh, don’t think I’m done with you yet, my love.” Cisco hummed, grabbing Y/N’s legs and gently dragging her across the bed to meet him. “You’re gonna get fucked so good.” The smirk on his face told Y/N not to doubt those words. Grabbing hold of his still hard cock, Cisco rubbed the tip through the folds of her pussy, collecting her juices and then pushing into her. The sudden stretch caused Y/N to let out a loud, high pitched moan. Every time Cisco entered her it was like the first time all over again.  His thrusts started out slow and steady, moving Y/N leg’s over his shoulders for a better angle so he could hit every right spot inside her. Y/N’s eyebrows scrunched together and she shut her eyes, the pleasure so overwhelming it put her mind in a thick haze. Cisco grabbed hold of her chin, causing her eyes to open and look into his. “Look at me while I fuck, love, want to see every single part of you.” Y/N struggled but did as told, not once closing her eyes. Her eyes stayed connected to Cisco’s, making the moment even more intimate.

“Feels so good, fuck.” Y/N reached up behind her to grip the sheets, her hands clutching the fabric. The feeling of Cisco’s thick cock feeling her insides grew her closer to her second release, but she knew it wouldn’t be long until Cisco pulled out and found a new position to torture her with. She was right, just as close as she was the feeling was gone and before she could ask anything Cisco had laid behind her, hiking up a leg and putting it over his hips so he could easily slide his cock back into her. As soon as he did the pace was now hard and fast, moving Y/N with every thrust. 

“Such a tight cunt, so perfect to fuck and fill. Love fucking you my love, all mine, all mine.” Cisco repeated as he continued his penetration into her soar center. Y/N clenched and unclenched her pussy around his dick, moaning louder and louder as she inched forward to her next release. “Gonna fill you up so nice with my cum, gonna make you full for days.” He growled into her ear, his lips ghosting down and sucking dark purple bruises onto her neck.

“Love your cum inside me, baby, feels so good.” Y/N mewled, throwing her head back. “Gonna cum again, fuck, make me cum.” Cisco grunted loudly, his hot breathe fanning Y/N’s skin as he fucked her until his hips stilled, slightly stuttering as he released his second load into her swollen pussy. The feeling of him pouring his seed into her pussy made her own release trigger, her ass pushing against his hips. 

When Cisco knew their orgasms had ended he gently pulled out of Y/N’s pussy, their mix of cum sliding out of her stretched out hole and spilling down leg and onto the bed sheets.

Now too tired to move and clean themselves up, the two laid on the bed together, breathing heavily as the tangled their limbs together and dozed off into a peaceful sleep. They both knew though that when they woke up, the second round would begin.

[tommyquackson]

Arrogant | B. Barnes |

summary: you’re an avenger, but you cannot stand James Barnes

warnings: fluff, cussing, reader and bucky are rude af

note: i don’t even know man, i just though of it.

Being an avenger was, in a nutshell, crazy as fuck. Between fighting aliens, terrorists, titans, meetings, training, families and living together you barely get time to just relax and take it easy. That’s not to say I don’t like being an avenger, I love it. Sure, I don’t love every aspect of it but if i’m able to save the goddamn universe, i’m gonna do it.

Speaking of bad aspects of the job, here comes Bucky “Dickhead” Barnes and Sam. He strolls into the kitchen like he bought the place with that god awful smirk on his stupid face.

“afternoon y/n” Sam nods towards me as he sits next to me at the Island bar.

“Morning sam, wanna train with me today since Nats on a recall mission?” I nudge him as I take a bite of my sandwich.

“Then who am i going to train with?” Bucky whines from across both of us, drinking out of the gallon of milk.

“Oh i don’t know, you could try yourself? Maybe you’ll be able to do some self introspection and figure out just exactly how many times I have to ask you to not drink out of the milk jug that literally everyone uses? Or you could finally try to figure out how not be a narssicistic asshole?” I sarcastically smile towards him.

“Ooo, are you using big words in the hopes i don’t understand them, so that for once in your life you’ll feel smarter than someone?” He smiles back

“I’m smarter than you could ever dream of being dick-wad, just cause Steve taught you how to fucking read a book doesn’t mean you know anything” I growl

“Jesus, it’s like watching to tigers getting ready to have sex” Sam widens his eyes. “But sure y/n, ill train with you. Wanna head there now?” He asks nodding his head towards the elevator.

“Gladly” I say putting my plate in the dishwasher before following Sam to the workout room.

After training I head upstairs to take a shower so I can get ready for some party tonight. I step out of the elevator and walk to my room and notice my door open. I peek in and see Barnes sitting on my bed watching TV.

“What the actual fuck are you doing?” I bark at him from the doorway.

“Watching TV clearly” He chuckles

“I meant in my room you dumbass. Get the hell out” I say walking in and shutting the TV off.

“You know you cuss a lot” He says finally looking towards me.

“You know you’re still in my room so i’m going to kindly ask you to leave before I shoot your ass” I clench my jaw. Why is he so damn infuriating.

“Wait, I need to talk to you” He says rubbing the back of his neck. Indicating he’s nervous.

“Make it quick”

“Are you goin to starks party? I uh, didn’t wanna go if i didn’t know anyone there”

“Yes im going, now leave” I say trying to push him out even though he’s extremely heavy.

“Geez doll, even when i’m nice you’re mean. What’d i ever do to you” He mumbles as he walks out, shutting the door behind him.

What did Barnes ever do to me? He should know fucking asshole. I came to the team, wide eyed and fairly naive. I was barely there 2 days before I was thrown headfirst into a dangerous mission with Bucky, who hadn’t said a word to me. I ran into a building, open firing on the enemy while barnes sniped from an upper level beam. I ran out of ammo and instead of grabbing another gun, i went for my knives and begin taking out enemies in combat. I was fighting my heart out when I turned around saw Bucky being distracted by one of their women, so distracted he didn’t notice the man making his towards him with a handgun. I had to throw my knife at him and kill him and Barnes still had his eyes trained on the woman.

He put both of our lives in danger just because he hadn’t been laid since the fucking 40s. Then the cocky asshole had the nerve to tell Steve about how well he did on the mission. Boasted about how many times he saved my life by sniping enemies that i hadn’t seen.

I shake it off and step into the shower rinsing off the thoughts of barnes. I step out and begin getting ready. Once i finish my makeup and move to my hair, deciding to have it straight and down. I put on my dress which is long and fairly tight with a slit up to my upper thigh. I put on my thigh holster and stick a gun on one side and a knife on the other, you can never be too safe. I slip on some heels and and throw some things in a small purse and head down to where the party is.

As I walk in I see a few of my agent friends and head to the bar to get a drink.

“Don’t look, but Barnes is staring you down, 3 o’clock” One of my friends tells me excitedly.

“Gross” I then look straight towards him and lock eyes. He smirks and winks at me and I smile and flip him off, rolling my eyes and turning back to the group.

“Why don’t you want him? He’s so hot, the things i’d do to him” She gushes stealing glances at him.

“Have him, I don’t want him. He’s an arrogant asshole” I shrug.

“Isn’t that exactly your type? Arrogant asshole to the world but cares for you?” She giggles.

“Oh fuck you, Barnes is not my type. He’s too- too” I grow frustrated trying to come up with a word.

“Too alluring?” A voice speaks from behind us.

I turn around and see Barnes leaning on the bar, a glass of whiskey in his metal hand.

“do you always listen in on a lady’s conversation?” I groan.

“A lady? No never. Yours? As much as I can” He puts on the stupid smirk again and licks his lips.

“Well than listen to this Barnes-“

He cuts me off by taking my drink, setting it on the bar and pulling me to a quiet corner.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” I nearly shout at him.

“Me? What’s your fucking issue? You haven’t even given me time to compliment you because you’re too busy running your mouth lying about how not attracted to me you are. So why don’t you stop running that pretty little mouth if yours for just a few moments while I say what I need to say” He barks at me. He widens his eyes when I open my mouth to speak but shut it promptly.

“Good girl, now let me start at the beginning. You look amazing doll, absolutely breathtaking. The little number is driving me completely insane. Like something straight out of my dreams. I also wanted to say Sorry, we got off on the wrong foot and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why. I finally asked Sam and he told me you were mad cause of our first mission and how you saved my life and I was too busy looking at another girl. I’m sorry doll. I underestimated our enemy and put us both in danger. I’m also sorry for biting back at ya these past few years. You mean the world to me, even if I don’t act like it. I wanna make it up to you doll, you gonna let me?” He says, grabbing my cheek gently and biting his lip. I bite my lip before pouncing and pressing my lips to his.

“God Barnes, you are so thick. I was fucking jealous. I only want those pretty eyes on me and me only. I can barely control myself when you call me doll or good girl. Drives me nuts.” I gasp out as I kiss him and his neck in attempt to be close to him.

“My beds been dying to meet ya, let’s go” He says dragging me to the elevators and up to his room.

“I knew it, the sexual tension was too high for me to damn breathe” Sam laughs nudging Stark.

“I’ll have Friday shut down coms and cameras to their rooms.” Stark laughs tapping on his watch.

[rollforsleepy]

So I’ve been working on this for like three weeks! It’s been a tonne of fun but also a tonne of work. Coming up with five distinct subraces meant a lot of drawing! Oh boy! This started as a re write of the Dryad race because I didn’t think the Dryad race i found online was super playable, but it kinda gotta away from me a bit so I left dryads behind and these are fully homebrewed! The main carry overs from dryads are the +2 wisdom that they all get, and the no metal caveat in the weaponry proficiencies.

I spent some time researching different culture’s mythology on dryads and similar creatures. Wikipedia has a handy list of similar folklores at the end of the dryad entry (im not linking cos tumblr screws w posts w external links, but you can check it out yourself if youre curious). Basically I picked a few and wrote down some notes on each one so each subclass had a distinct feeling to it.

The Deep Forest subclass is based off hamadryads. Super long life, connected to a specific tree (i removed the life or death thing and just made it birthed by a tree, cos having a tree that if cut would killed you seemed unbalanced to me), that sorta thing. Cos they’re based on Oak trees, and Oaks are fairly hardy, I gave them some good survival type stuff. I didn’t want long, unfamiliar names so I changed it from Hamadryad to Deep Forest. Also I really didn’t want them to hark back to dryads and just Hamad had a weird ring to it to me

Gillie Du got to pretty much keep it’s name tho. Originally it’s Ghillie Dhu, and there was nothing wrong w that but i wanted things a bit simple in the name department. Ghillie Dhu is a Scottish fairy who (to drastically summarise him) lives in a marsh and plays tricks on people. As I said earlier, I wasn’t using these sources as gospel, just as flavour affects, so the Gillie Du subrace became a more water based thing with the breathing under water and swim speed.

Desert Walkers probably changed most from their original material. I started with the Salabhanjika, a sculpture found in india that’s always got a tree and a musical instrument in it. I wanted a bit of size range (i had to talk myself out of making one of them Large size cos it got too op, but I wanted to so bad) so they got the Small tag, then because India is a hot country and I already had a sub class more tightly woven in with fruit trees I made it more desert based, giving some good boosts to travelling related skills. I really love playing Small races and I wanna play as one of these now, it feels built for a ranger but I think it could make a kickass wizard tbh

The Maliade are based on the Epimelides, who were a kind of nymph associated with apple trees and sheep. I extended that association to fruit trees and all farm animals cos i didn’t want to cramp anyones roleplaying incase someone really wanted to be a Maliade who’s buddies with a bull and makes three magic dragon fruits every day. There’s no information beyond that on wikipeida, but I didn’t have any subrace who had a close relationship with people, so they got that. I like this one, I think the skills are pretty useful in a lot of small ways

And the Kodama! The Kodama are the only ones who actually got to keep their original name. Kodama are a Japanese spirit that inhabit trees. They can also be seen as Mountain Gods. So these guys got the mountain skills. Spider climb is a great skill, but when coupled with a slower speed I thought they cancel out pretty comfortably to make a balanced race. The Kodama has a brief description on wikipedia, but it’s terrifying, “small, white humanoids with large, rattling heads and mask-like features, with asymmetrical black dots for eyes and mouth, and move similar to bobbleheads.” I took the essence of this (pale skin, dark eyes) and dropped the rest. A lot of people (myself included) like their characters to be sexy, and that ain’t hot to me

Click through to read a transcript of the race if the font above is too small/blurry.

I’m gonna be making more of these and if there’s some interest I’ll start doing some stuff on Patreon, let me know if you thinks that’s something worthwhile. I’ve got a race in the works now that is like a living statue. Super slow but super durable. It’s a bit min/max but could be fun for some campaigns

Nature Spirits

Nature Spirits are a known phenomenon, a wandering essence of the land who appear commonly in the land. Some Nature Spirits are chosen and come into being through a birth touched by the land, some choose the path themselves and give their souls over to the land, some are simply brought into being by the powers of the land. It is a difficult life as a Nature Spirit, your priority is not yourself rather the protection and love of your home land. You have features and traits specific to the type of land you hail from.

Varied Childhoods

Each Nature Spirit is different, some wander far from their home, travelling and researching the world at large to better safeguard the continued life of their land. Others never leave and are rarely if ever seen by a civilised person. Some live in harmony with the people of their land, others seek to drive out humanoid peoples. You path in life is up to you, but the land you are from is your home and your priority.

Nature Spirit Traits

Ability Score Increase: Your Wisdom score increases by two.

Languages: You speak Common and Sylvan

Weapon Proficiency: You are proficient with the quaterstaff, club, greatclub, and slings. You cannot use this proficiency to use metal weapons and must use naturally found projectiles (such as wood, stone, nuts) for your sling. If your Class gives you proficiency in any of these weapons the metal caveat no longer applies

Alignment: Nature Spirits can have any alignment, but their loyalty lies with the land that powers them

Choose one from the following Racial Variants

Deep Forest

These spirits emerge from an ancient tree once in the trees lifetime, sometimes living incorporeally their whole lives, other times taking humanoid form to explore their forest in that way. They are ancient, tough, and fast, living the longest of any of their brethren Nature Spirits. Their hair forms as moss does atop their head. They are the least likely to leave their home unless they must.

Age: You age slowly, up to about 1000 years, and you age in time as a human would, at 80 years old you appear 8, at 900 years old you appear as a 90 year old human

Size: Medium

Speed: Your speed is 35ft

Ability Score Increase: Your Strength score increases by one.

The Hard Trek: Rough and difficult terrain does not affect you

Vision: You have Darkvision to a distance of 60ft

Survivalist: You are proficient in the Survival skill

Gillie Du

The Gillie Du find home wherever land meets water, be it ocean, river bank, or a swampy marsh. They are generally cheerful and occasionally make themselves known as a trickster to strangers in their land. Their skin is a dusky green tone but otherwise they appear somewhat elven. They can be born of humanoids, but more often are formed over some time in their land, and very occasionally a humanoid will show such a loyalty to the land that they turn into a Gillie Du. They are comfortable in both water and on land, but prefer land.

Age: You are fully grown at about 40 years old and do not age until your death at about 700 years of age.

Size: Medium

Speed: Your speed is 30ft, and your swim speed is 30ft

Ability Score Increase: Your Dexterity score increases by one.

Powerful Lungs: You can hold your breath for fifteen minutes plus a number of minutes equal to your Constitution modifier (minimum of zero)

Vision: You have Darkvision to a distance of 60ft

Sleep with Ease: You can cast the Alarm spell once a day without components

Desert Walker

Desert Walkers are born in deserts and find themselves comfortable in a hot climates. They are the most inhuman in appearance, still humanoid but with grey black skin, ears that connect behind their heads, and everlastingly young. Their age, of course, is not reflected in their appearance and they often speak with an experience that startles people. They are soft spoken and have learned from the many cultures they have encountered in their time.

Age: You live up to roughly 200 years, always appearing someone younger than an adult

Size: Small

Speed: You move quickly despite your size. Your speed is 30

Ability Score Increase: Your nomadic lifestyle has caused you to meet with the odd civilisation and learn from many varied cultures. Your Intelligence score increases by one

Inexhaustable: You have advantage against effects that will cause Exhaustion

Fire: You can cast the Cantrip Produce Flame

Musically Gifted: You have proficiency in one musical instrument of your choice

Keep an Eye Out: You have Expertise in the Perception skill

Endurance: You do not need to eat

Maliade

The Maliade Spirits are the most civilised, often the child of a townsperson who is touched by the powers of nature. They grow up with a community of humanoids in a small town hidden in the forest, or a larger city connected to an expanse of untouched flora. They are Medium size even if their birth parents are Small or Large, their size is determined by their Nature Spirit soul. They are friendly with animals and people alike, used to the constraints of town life as well as the freedom beyond. They are the most normal in appearance, the least likely of their kin to turn heads

Age: You age at the same rate as the average human, and die at roughly 100 years of age

Size: Medium

Speed: Your speed is 30ft

Ability Score Increase: Your Charisma score increases by one.

Language: You can speak to all farm animals

A Good Fruit: Everyday you can create four fruits of your choice, each feeds the average person for a day and restores 2 Hit Points. You cannot use this abiliy again until your next long rest

Find a Ride: At 3rd level you can cast Find Steed once a day, you are restricted to animals that would be normally found in a farm such as a horse, sheep, or cow.

Cook: You are proficient in Cooks Tools

Kodama

The Kodama are usually the result of a lost traveller or explorer who commits their life to protecting the land they’ve found and accepts the physical changes that entails. They are drawn to the roads and paths through their mountain range, watching and learning the different plants, animals, and humanoids that grow and pass through. They are pale skinned with dark irises and are generally more lean than strong.

Age: You live up to 400 years, aging to appear as a human would in their 60s

Size: Medium

Speed: You’re used to moving carefully across treacherous mounains, as such your speed is 25ft

Ability Score Increase: The mountains are a hard life. Your Constitution score increases by one

Natural Defence: You are more likely to defend yourself than attacked, as such once a day you can cast Barkskin

A Life of Climbing: You are forced to carefully climb your way throug life, leaving you with an ability most professional climbers would marvel at. You can Spiderclimb, climbing across walls and roofs live gravity doesn’t affect you

Sight: You have 30ft of Darkvision

[lovelycharmingvillain]

I SWORE I WASNT GONNA POST ANOTHER “IM SORRY IVE BEEN INACTIVE”  UPDATE BUT

a lot has happened, gonna ramble below the cut

TLDR: I had to travel across the country with my two cats to stop them getting poisoned and I can't bring them home until 2 weeks have passed 

(Both cats are absolutely fine and in peak health, do not worry)

Sooooooo we got our house sprayed with flea poison because it had slowly become infested and our cats were going nuts scratching. We took both cats, Maple and Nimbus, out of the house during the day it was being sprayed, and didn't bring them back until 4 hours after it had settled (the time frame we were instructed to wait so it would be safe for them). The guy who we hired has been our decorator for years, very trustworthy man, and also specialises in pest control as that's his main job. He assured us this stuff is completely non-toxic to cats and that he's used it in many homes with pets for 20 years, and never had a single problem.

A few hours after they're home, Maple starts acting really weird. She isn't lethargic at all, but her paw keeps hitting the ground when she's grooming, like she can't balance right, and she keeps sort of flattening herself against the floor  for no apparent reason. She was also walking strangely, with a sort of stumble, again off-balance, and keeps running off in a frantic way.

I know Maple’s every mannerism- I know what it means when she flicks her tail in a certain way, what each different meow means, when she wants food or affection or to play. I'd never seen her acting like this and knew that something was wrong, and that combined with the fact that bug poison was all over the house really concerned me, so I woke my parents up and we took her to the emergency vet. (My dad actually got really annoyed and said there was nothing wrong with her, and ohhhh boy am I glad I insisted he listen to me cause he was  about to go back to bed and he's the only one who can drive. I'm actually pretty mad about how he acted cause Maple would have died without treatment but that's a whole other rant)

The vet immediately recognises something is very wrong, basically agrees with everything I've said. She asks what chemical was used in the house and we don't know cause the guy didn't tell us, and it's about 4:00 am at this point so his phone goes straight to voicemail. The vet says that all of Maple’s symptoms fit with this poison that is super toxic to cats and potentially fatal, but she can't be sure what's going on until the pest control guy calls back, and therefore she can't use a specific treatment in case it's something else. Maple’s legs were twitching, and the vet said worst case scenario she has a seizure, but that cats who are poisoned usually decline really fast, so the fact that Maple isn't seizuring already is a good sign.

We leave Maple overnight at the animal hospital, and as soon as we're out of the building I break down in tears because the idea that she might die is unbearable. I don't exaggerate when I say we're closer than most humans are to each other, and I'd literally give my life for her. In the last two years, we've had two cats die almost exactly a year apart, and I couldn't take the thought of a third death. Nimbus is also super close to Maple, almost a surrogate son to her, and I was so scared of how he'd cope without her.

So now we have to figure out what to do with Nimbus overnight, since the house is potentially toxic. We eventually clear out a closet that wasn't sprayed, cover the floor with paper just to be safe, and set up a little room for him there. He hasn't shown any signs of illness but because it can progress so fast I have to stay up with him all night in case he deteriorates too.

Aaaaand it was the worst night of my life. I was already massively sleep deprived and now have to stay up till morning, both to make sure Nimbus is okay and to listen for a phone call from the vets. Basically I know that if she calls before 7:00am that's bad news, so I'm constantly on edge wondering if the phones gonna ring and I'll be told that Maple is dead. 

But thank fuck she calls at about 7:30 and says that Maple is doing really well- the treatment seemed to work wonders and now she's walking better and eating food. It turns out the poison the guy used wasn't the toxic one she suspected it was, and actually is supposed to be safe for cats, but Maple just had a very rare reaction to it.

I'll skip the details cause holy shit this is long already but she's given the all clear later that day and we’re able to pick her up. Problem is we've only got that tiny little closet that we can safely keep the cats in, and no one we know is able to look after them (the vet advised at this point that we wait at least a week before letting the cats back in the house, two weeks to be safe).

Since we can't keep the cats cooped up in that room much longer we have to find somewhere quick, and the only place we can think of is our holiday home, which is a five hour drive away. So I'm like “"well, guess I'm taking a holiday”, and lug my suitcase plus two cat carriers on a four hour train journey which was  uhhh not fun.

AND NOW IM HERE, OUT IN THE COUNTRY WITH TWO VERY CONFUSED KITTIES

So yeah, this was a very unexpected situation and I'm still recovering from the stress of it all, which is why I've only been getting out a handful of replies at a time. God, sorry this went on for so long, I just needed to vent

Both cats are doing great now! Maple is back to full health and sprinting all over the house, and Nimbus is his normal, goopy self. I can't express how relieved I am that they're okay, holy shit, I think I've had enough stress in the last few days to last a year

ANYWAY

Despite what all this rambling might suggest, I'm okay. I’ve got the house to myself and there's WiFi and Netflix and CATS- it's the dream holiday really, circumstance aside.

YEAH SO I DONT KNOW WHAT IM EVEN TRYING TO SAY BUT I LOVE YALL AND I HOPE THIS IS THE LAST MAJOR SETBACK FOR A LOOOONG WHILE

[legion1993]

December 23rd

A/N: this is for the 12 days of christmas challenge brought to us by @thing-you-do-with-that-thing & @like-a-bag-of-potatoes... this also happens to be for JulesTheQuirky’s Winter Holiday Song Challenge brought to us by @julesthequirky.. hope you ladies enjoy them all. 

pairing: Jensen x Reader

day 10: Christmas ball

prompt: last christmas by cascada

summery: its a surprise!!!!

12 days Masterlist 

this is the story about how you were invited to a christmas ball but you just got your heart broken. but the hosts wanted you to sing a song, a christmas song but up until recently (2 weeks ago to be exact).

you had happily been dating Jensen Ackles one of the actors on the hit tv show Supernatural, but the littlest things would just bug you basically you made a list and sat down one day to discuss what the future looked like for the 2 of you. 

but Jensen had the same idea, your ideas didnt match so he ended things. but it was apparent that you were heartbroken. considering you hadnt left your apartment in the last week. 

by the time you received the invite for the ball you had found enough courage to face the music as it were. to come back into the world and face your fans, face your broken rhythm.

so you RSVP’d to the invite and started deciding what to wear as the ball was tomorrow, but you knew that this party was all the hottest and exclusive guests only. and every single year you were asked ever so nicely to perform but someone AKA Jensen was also always asked to perform. 

you hoped this year that you would have a chance to express your true feelings. for it was 2 years ago tomorrow that you confessed your love for Jensen as a tradition. so you definitely knew what song you would sing. 

you had picked a long flowy dress that brought out your natural curves and your nature about the season. but it also reminded you of Jensen, and this was okay cause for this event it worked.

tomorrow arrived quickly. the event wasnt due to start till 7pm but you had to be there an hour early to do a sound check and a couple other things.  so you got ready and my oh my did you enjoy spining around in that dress for a few moments before throwing on your heels, packing your clutch and walking out to meet your car.

upon arriving at the party, you told your driver to be on the waiting list for your text of when your ready to be gotten as usual.

looking up at the building you had yet to breathe but you knew it would be ok for soon it would be time to get up on stage and address the people.

you went inside got fit for your personal mic and heard a voice from yonder speak.

Jensen: "dude i broke up with her why the hell would i want to sing with her.?."

Jared: "she is miserable plus i kinda have been messaging her."

jensen: "why the hell are you talking with her.. what happened to the bro code."

jared: "cause she needed someone to talk her through her 2 weeks of solitude.... i was there for her. just listen to her rehearsal dude."

Jared nods for jensen to turn his head they both watch and listen as you do your warm ups.

stage hand: "when your ready... sing something so we can calculate your vocal patterns."

you stood still not knowing if this would be heard by many people... but you sang straight from the heart, channeling all your hurt, all your pain into this one song...

Y/N: "well baby ive been here before, ive seen this room and ive walked this floor, i used to live alone before i knew ya. and ive seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victr'y march its a cold and its a broken hallelujah..."

but at that moment another voice joined in your breaking tones  against the protests of his best friend. but the voice made you stop singing it made you tense up.

Jensen: "hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah..."

but you were so scared of what may come out of your mouth that in your dress withiut your shoes you ran off the stage, and into your dressing room.

~meanwhile jensen is getting talked to by jared who is just looking out for your well being.~

Jared: “Jay you shouldnt have done that, this is the first time in weeks that you guys have seen eachother and the first idea you have is to scare her by joining her in singing that song. do you have any idea how much emotion she expelled when she sang that part of the song.?.” 

Jensen: “what the hell is going on so badly that she would confide in you and not me? why would she confide in you and not me? what arent you telling me?”

Jared: “ever wonder why she was acting a little different, why she always took her time getting ready. why she started having to go to the doctor so much. why she got so emotional the day you guys split."

Jensen had to think about this for he had not noticed anything like that, well he had he just didnt say anything.

Jensen: "well what is her reasoning... and it better explain everything."

Jared couldnt believe how clueless his best friend was being... he couldnt believe how stupid he was acting...

Jared: "shes pregnant dude."

Jensen: "what? what are you talking about?"

Jared couldnt take it anymore his best friend was gonna drive him nuts if he didnt tell him.

Jared: "she called me the day you guys broke up, she had a doctors appointment and didnt want to go alone so i went with her... i saw it myself its true... doc said she is about a month along. baby is definately yours jay."

Jensen was so shocked at this point... he couldnt believe it you were a month pregnant, with his baby...

Jensen: "well i guess that explains a few things but why wouldnt you tell me.."

Jared: "cause it wasnt my tale to tell... but seriously dude if you want her back dont scare her please."

~Jensen knew he had to get you back but it wasnt going to be easy... thats when the party started~

announcer: “welcome one and all.. tonight will be full of love, laughter, dancing and song. tonight is gonna be the night of all nights. lets kick it off with some cocktails and a song... so every one grab your cocktails and i will introduce our first singer in a moment.”

the announcer came up to you and smiled.

Announcer: “thank you for coming i heard what happened through the grapevine. are you sure you want to go up there and sing.”

Y/N: “i cant sit and be afraid of the world and their opinions anymore.”

Announcer: “ok would you mind going first?”

Y/N: “k but if it looks like im gonna freeze cut the music...”

Announcer: “ok i’ll go introduce you..”

the announcer walks out on the stage as the crowd comes back to the center of the room...

Announcer: “ok so she just had a horrible break up but she still came out tonight here to sing something that describes what she is feeling here is Y/N...”

you turned on your mic pack as you walked out on stage to the beat of the music. you knew that anything else would have made you scared but you gave your best smile...

Y/N: “Last christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away... this year to save me from tears i’ll give it to someone special. Last Christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. this year to save me from tears i’ll give it to someone special...”

you were not sure if you would be able to do the rest of the song but you had to try.

Y/n: "once bitten and twice shy i keep my distance but you still catch my eye tell me baby do you recognize me well it's been a year and it doesn't surprise me. i wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying "I love you" i meant it now i know what a fool ive been but if you kissed me now i know you'd fool me again."

thats when Jensen came up on the stage view slowly. it startled you knowing how close he was but it didnt make you stop singing instead you turned to face him.

y/N: "last Christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away this year to save me from tears ill give it to someone special."

you froze before continuing but Jensen instead pipped in..

Jensen: "a face on a lover with fire in your heart but im undercover but ive torn you apart... i mever meant to hurt you, now i know what a fool i was but if i kissed you now would you marry me.?."

you were shocked and just stood there in a shocked state then the music cut... the crowd just as shocked as you but anxiously awaiting your answer..

you instead of answering broke down into tears falling on your knees in front of Jensen you sobbed, for you knew that he knew about the baby...

Y/N: "im sorry Jay i should have told you as soon as i found out but i was scared, i love you Jensen Ackles. i would be honored to become your wife."

[danger-archive]

tentatively sticks head in. jeepers. 

hey y’all. this is a weird post to write because i’ve written it in my head like twenty times over (and also bc i feel like hillary clinton like writing a pr statement after a night of shenanigans) the past few days to try and come up with the chillest thing to say so i don’t sound as embarrassed as i actually feel but. i just wanna thank everyone who was there for me when i wasn’t there for myself and i’m sorry to have put you all through that. that’s so not like me. i prefer to make people suffer with bad jokes and mlp references, personally? but yeah, thanks and well im back now and im in therapy and ive been tryna get my citizenship here so i can get a job and help w moving next year, so things are... they’re good. 

and now for those who actually wanna know what the fuck happened to make me have a full on melt-down, that’s under the cut, but yeah tw and all that. 

in short, man i busted an emotional nut. like something just broke yk? my cup runneth over with hardship to say the least. to give some context, a day or two before (let’s call it the incident please) the incident, i had a pretty big post-traumatic episode, and i hadn’t been feeling right since. that was probably the catacylst. not to mention i was having really, really low self-esteem, i’d relapsed a week before, and was having so many mood-swings all the time, and really i cant explain what set me off, because one second i was watching some video and the second i was just full on sobbing. but the root of it was how hopeless i felt. i was seeing my dad soon and i was terrified he’d like, forbid me from moving. which arab parents can totally do. i was terrified id have to live here forever. and i guess that brought on a sort of panic attack or something like no other. but it was weird, because it came with a lot of agitation. it was like i couldn’t stand to be in my skin. i couldn’t look in a mirror without freaking out, would have probably tried to break it if i was close enough. it’s such a hard thing to explain how much anger and grief and just pure hopelessness was running through me. and i have to say this. i didn’t want to die. but i did want to make it stop. i would have done anything to make all of it just     stop.  i wanted so bad to be alive, but the problem is, living here i don’t feel alive without knowing there’s some hope in my future. i can hang on, so long as i know i have a future somewhere else. but at the time it was just so terrible. i tried to get myself admitted to a clinic obviously, like i did everything you’re supposed to do when you think you’re going to hurt yourself 

anyway, over the course of like nine hours i finally was able to sleep and calm down and yeah. 

after, i couldnt come back here. i was so ashamed of how hard i’d broken. like, i still am, because it was so obviously a cry for help but... i just needed downtime. plus for a few days after, i was emotionally hollowed out. and i’m such an emotional personal even normally, so it was just... really hard for me. like im not meant to be that empty. it’s like... have you ever seen a pool when it’s empty of water, and there’s just dried leaves and shit in it? that’s how i felt. just wrong and empty and people would keep saying they loved me and i was like ‘thats great but that doesnt fix me. i cant even find it in me to say it back im just void right now’ which sounds dramatic but it’s how i felt. so yeah, roleplaying was so far out of the question too. 

i ended up finding a therapist though, and hopefully that goes well for me. it’ll make the interim between here and ny so much better, especially because ik i have to get help for my bpd and the other stuff or it’s going to drive me crazy. and i’ve been trying to find some kind of kick-boxing class i could take to help with my anger issues too and... yeah. if nothing else, it opened the door for me and my dad to talk more. and by that i mean him talking because i was not about to start sobbing in the sushi place. but it’s nice to hear after 20 years that your dad knows he fucked up and he’s trying to make it better. doesn’t fix everything, but it helps i guess. 

anyway, i feel soothed and... content i guess now knowing for sure i’m gonna be in new york mf city next year. anyone who knows me knows that’s always been my dream since i was like 10. i’ve always talked about how the first time i set foot in it im just going to break down in tears because i have worked /so fucking hard/ to make it there. i’m so hopeful. it feels like my life is finally going to begin. 

[marshaeb]

P.S: I'm Mated With The Cursed Alpha!

Chapter Fourteen

Hey guy! Don’t forget to Like, Comment, Review, and Follow for more updates! My apologies in advance for all the grammatical errors. Book will be professionally edited when completed.

“Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, Miss Joel, Happy Birthday to youuu!”

The entire day-care staff and the pups surrounded me, singing off-key in my ear.

“Happy Eighteenth Birthday, Joel!” Ms. Sumpter exclaimed, resting a chocolate cake in front of me.

“I know it’s not much, compare to what’s in store for you.” She winked. I smiled, but my heart was ready to erupt in my chest. “But please accept this token of our appreciation.”

I was overly emotional but also happy that I’ve finally reached a milestone in my life. From a little girl, I’ve always dreamed of this day. Finding my mate, falling in love, starting a family, but unfortunately, that could all change in a matter of seconds.

The things in life I wish I could control.

That day in the library was the last time I’ve seen Alpha Darius. I haven’t spotted him anywhere since, and it was nerve-wracking.

Damn, he’s so unpredictable! But little by little, I’m starting to figure him out.

Then again, I haven’t heard or seen Jackson since he told me returned the other day.

The suspense of it all...it was eating me alive! They’re both aware that it’s my birthday. Who knows what those two have planned for today.

My stomach started to breakdown as I overthink about the worst possible outcomes. What if...just what if those two run into each other.

All the demons in hell would break loose! And here I am, caught up in the mix.

I zoned out everyone in the room...my mind was far and my heart was too heavy to focus on those celebrating for me.

“Ms. Joel?” Ms. Sumpter called me out of my daze, concerned. “Is everything alright?”

Gosh! If only she knew...

I placed a happy facade on my face and smile up at her as a few of the pups gathered around me. They were only there because they wanted to blow out my candles.

“Everything’s alright... I’m just thinking about this big day.” I whispered.

“Oh yes, didn’t we all on our Eighteenth Birthday,” she said as the other caregivers agreed with a smile. “Today you turn a new leaf...that lucky fella is out there waiting for you.”

I wish it was that easy. I’m in a living love triangle at the moment and it’s driving me nuts.

“Yes,” I cleared my throat. “Thank you.”

I lean forward and blew out my candles. The pups cheered and popped their party time confetti at me.

Since it’s my birthday, Ms. Sumpter gave me the rest of the day off to enjoy myself, but to be honest, I was far from enjoying myself.

Any second now things could turn around, and Alpha Darius could be my potential mate.

Arriving home, just a the door, Samantha waited for me with a small box in her hand with a bright smile on her face.

“It’s from yours truly,” she said, placing the small box in my hand.

My heart melted for a second and for the first time for today a genuine smile widened on my face. Jackson sent me a box. He always loves to surprise me.

I took it in my hand and shook it near my ear. Something was clunking inside. I wanted so badly to see what it was, but first to my room.

Before I could make it to the second step, Mom called out for me in her office down the hall. The door was wide open.

“Yes, Mom?” I said, entering her office.

She leaned back in her chair, her desk full of paperwork.

“I heard Mr. Hamilton is Sarah’s mate and they are engaged to be wed next month.” She said, eyes fixed on her yellow booklet.

I rolled my eyes annoyingly and sighed “Yes, good for her...”

She rests down the booklet and looked over her glasses at me confusedly.

“Wow, you said that quite coldly for a best friend.” She said, taking off her glasses. “What’s going on with you two? She said. “She told me you two had a little scuffle at the hospital. Ever since she been trying to reach you, but you’re deliberately ignoring her.”

“It’s nothing really,” I mumbled. “She has her mate...and I got my problems.”

“But, she’s your best friend.” Mom replied. “She called to wish you a happy birthday. And told me to tell you, that as soon as she comes out of the hospital, she’ll be stopping by to see you and patch things up face to face. She wants you involved in her wedding plans.”

“She has her mate...let him help her!” I exclaimed heatedly, then I shut my eyes feeling shame for overreacting.

“I see... I don’t know what happened between you two, but obviously, I sense that it’s jealousy.” She said.

“Jealousy?” I repeated, upset that she called it out for what it was. “Jealous of what?”

“That she already has her mate...and that you are in a more complicated situation,” Mom replied. “You envy her. I’ll admit it’s kind of cute. It reminds me of when you two were younger and always had fallouts.”

“Well, this is different!” I said, getting even more upset. “I’m not interfering with her life any longer.”

“Don’t worry, you two will patch things in no time—

“No, Mom! I mean it this time.” I said, not giving my decision a second thought.

Mom folded her arms and shrugged her shoulders. “If you say so.” She said not taking me seriously, but I was as serious as a heart attack.

“Anyway, that’s not the only reason why I called you in here.” She said. “Are you enjoying your birthday so far?” She asked tiredly.

I breathed out anxiously and nodded my head, “Y-yes ma’am...so far so good...and thank you for everything—”

“No need to thank me for the breakfast in bed and the gifts...” She said. “It was mainly your father’s idea... You should thank him.”

“I-I did thank him before I left for work,” I said wanting to finish say what had I to say, but she kept cutting off. “But—

“I wanted to take you hiking to the lagoon, but obviously Alpha Darius ruined my plans.” She said, tapping her pen against the desk.

Mom wanted to take me to the lagoon?! I’ve always wanted to go there...ever since I learned about its magical healing powers in school. Almost every day in junior high, I would beg her to take me, but she was always too busy and promised me she would take me on one of my birthdays...my eighteenth birthday!

“Sorry for interrupting you...what were you going to say?” She said.

“I just wanted to thank you,” I said holding back tears. “I— I haven’t got the chance to do it earlier... Now that we’re alone, I just thought I’d tell you.”

“What are you thanking me for, Joel?” She asked. “Not for... protecting you... as I should, right?”

I cleared my throat and nodded my head. “But it’s not just that...these couple years I’ve been nothing but a troubled teen. Disobeying you, shaming you. Even though I’m not your biological daughter, you still put up with my rebellious behavior and loved me anyway. The gifts are nice and all, but...nothing can top you, Mom...” I said wiping my teary eyes. “And of course Dad, Sammy, and Samantha.”

She paused and shook her head at me. “You’re my daughter...it doesn’t matter, biological or adopted...your mine, Joel.” She said to me. “You know that I love you.”

I nodded my head. Her words touch me deeply. I couldn’t hold back the tears. They just kept flowing and flowing.

“Come here.” She said as I shuffle towards her slowly. She took my hand in hers. “You’re nervous aren’t you?”

I nodded my head, looking down at my feet.

“Nah uh, use your words...” She said.

“Y-yes ma’am.” I sniffled.

“I know you are...any second now you won’t belong to me any longer...it’s such a hard pill to swallow,” she said. “Especially for me and your father.”

A warm, relaxed sensation came over me for a split second as she rubbed her thumb over my knuckles.

“Who do you think it might be?” I asked softly.

She glanced up at me, “What do you mean?”

“My...Mate.” I said, seeing images of both Alpha Darius and Jackson in my head.

She sighed, releasing my hand, “I don’t know.” She said. “But there’s no doubt that you are Alpha Darius’s mate. Because of his curse, his chances of his mate accepting him in return is very, very scarce... but because of that, you have a chance of finding another.”

Part of me felt thrilled because my heart beats for Jackson, but a part of me felt bad for Darius... All he wants is for someone to love him in return, but Moon goddess why me? Why?”

“If that’s the case, why is he so determined if you know what’s to expect?” I asked.

“Because it’s obvious that you have an attraction for him as well. The stronger the connection the weaker the curse will be.” She said.

“I-I don’t have an attraction for him...” I said strongly, but deep down apart of me really did. Even when I don’t want it to. “I mean he is awfully handsome, but...but so is Jackson.”

“Jackson is nowhere close to Alpha Darius in looks, stature, and dominance, but they do have one thing in common... agility.” She said. “Regardless of who ends up being your mate, just know that you will be the most loved and protected thing in their life.

“Mom, w-what are you saying?” I said giving her a hard, confused look. “I thought you wanted Jackson to be my mate?”

“I’m just saying what it is, Joel.” She replied. “Of course I want Jackson to be your mate, but that doesn’t change your situation, does it?”

I shuffled uncomfortably where I stood and softly reply, “No...”

“Good, now the only thing we could do is wait and see what happens.” She said. “Jackson’s back and he sent a surprise for you. It’s upstairs in your room.”

Immediately I turned around and rushed upstairs to my room.

My bed was covered in rose petals, a few gifts, and a silk emerald dress. My heart fluttered in my chest...it was the sweetest thing. I was falling in love all over again.

I walked over and started with the smallest box. It was from Sarah.

Read:

Happy Eighteenth Birthday, Joel!

About the other day, please forgive me, I love you,

Love, Sarah

Getting overly emotional, I forcefully bite back my tears and opened the box. It was a silver bracelet with stars, my birth sign, and a blue moon that represented my birth month.

It was beautiful, but being immature and narrow-minded, I rest the bracelet back in the box and rest it on my nightstand.

My mind was solely focused on the surprise Jackson had for me. I opened his first gift, revealing the most beautiful black and silver rhinestone heels I always wanted. I took out a shoe and marveled at its beautiful detail.

Then my eyes drifted to another small box. Inside revealed the most beautiful drop diamond earrings I’ve ever seen.

“They’re beautiful!” I whimpered as I blinked back my tears.

My sweet, sweet Jackson. He did all of this for me not having a clue that our relationship is being compromised by another man. The same man that seduced me and in return I willingly seduced him behind my boyfriend’s back. Guilt and sadness started to take over me. Questioning myself if I should accept these lovely gifts that he wholeheartedly went out of his way to get me, his unfaithful girlfriend.

I looked over at the small box Samantha gave me at the door.

I opened it up and stared at the two chocolate kisses, my favorite candy, but there was also a folded piece of note inside. I unfolded it and read it aloud.

~Happy Birthday, sweetheart! I hope you love the gifts I sent you, there’s more to come...I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. I’m going to wine and dine you tonight. Meet me at the Closure at 7:00 pm in your pretty, little dress.

Love, Jackson.

I instantly grew all bubbly inside and quickly ran into the bathroom to prepare my bath with the bath&body works Mom gifted me this morning for my birthday.

After soaking, shaving, moisturizing, and applying a small amount of makeup over my face and my neck, I fixed my hair into a curly afro.

The dress fit me so perfectly, showing my natural curves. The drop earrings complimented my complexion nicely. I felt like a million dollars, but deep inside I was still so nervous...nervous about what to expect.

As I walked downstairs, all eyes were on me.

“Is that you, Jo?” Sammy said with his eyes wide open.

Samantha playfully nudge her elbow into his shoulder, “Of course it’s her!”

I chuckled softly as Dad called for me.

“You’re so beautiful!” he said holding my hand. “My baby’s all grown up!”

“Ah, Dad you’re gonna let me ruin my makeup,” I said trying to force back the tears, kissing him on the cheek.

“Which we don’t want!” Mom said, sipping on a can of soda. “So it’s a date, that’s nice! Where to? I’ll drop you off.”

“It’s at the Closure,” I replied.

They all gasped sharply.

“The Closure, eh? That’s quite expensive.” Samantha said.

“Yup, Lad got that coin I see,” he said. “Maybe he can take me and my girlfriend out next.”

“Get a job, heffa!” Samantha said.

“Let’s get going.” Mom said as we headed out the door.

“Have a goodnight!” Dad and Samantha said waving as we left.

“Bring me a spare plate, Jo-Jo!” Sammy said as Samantha pulled him back inside the house.

After a short drive to the Closure, Mom dropped me off at the entrance.

“Tell Jackson there’s still a curfew for you,” she playfully winked. “Enjoy your night and stop worrying.”

“Yes ma’am,” I said as she drove off.

I turned around and face the entrance of the door and slowly walked towards it, but something felt off. The wind had a thrilling feeling to it and all my senses were growing sharp.

As I stepped inside the five-star establishment, I marveled at the elegant interior design as the hostess welcomed me.

“Welcome, to the Closure, ma’am,” she said.

“Oh, thank you,” I said looking around for Jackson, but it seemed as if he hadn’t arrived as yet. “table for two please.”

She escorted me to a comfortable seating near the frosted window under a stunning chandelier.

“Thank you!” I said as I took my seat.

This was so romantic, but where is Jackson? Probably late on purpose to surprise me. He always does that.

I glanced at the couple a few tables before me, indulging in a warm kiss. The scene made me melt inside a little, but then my mind went on Alpha Darius. Remembering the intense kiss we shared. I shook my head, trying to forget all about it, but my heart kept racing as I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat.

I have to stay focus. I have to get him out of my mind!

Five minutes turned into seven, then ten. Still, Jackson was nowhere in sight.

I was starting to grow worried. My mind raced with every disastrous thought I could think of. What if Alpha Darius got a could hold of him on his way here. He’ll find out that I’ve lied to him when I said I had broken up with Jackson when really, I didn’t.

“Oh, goddess! I can’t take this!” I muttered to myself.

I got up promptly and headed towards the lady’s restroom.

I looked myself in the mirror and took deep, sharp breaths. I just needed to calm down, but nothing seems to work.

“Come on, Joel, calm down,” I said. “Deep breaths...deep breaths.”

Gradually I became at ease when suddenly the restroom open and it locked behind the person who entered.

“You look really nice in your dress, princess.” The familiar deep voice said.

My ear flinched back as a sharp, chilling sensation rolled through my body. I slowly looked over, gasping deeply at the man standing before me. He was dressed in a fitted black suit that displayed his gold chain laying on his muscular chest. His jet black hair was slick back with a diamond stud in one ear.

He stared at me with those blazing golden eyes as a dark, cunning smile formed on his face.

It was Alpha...Darius.

“Happy eighteenth birthday!” he said with a smile.

Instantly, it hit me.

Every hair strand on my body stood upright as I inhaled a big whiff of his scent. It was a sharp, hazel, vanilla mixed with a hint of mango passion. It burned in the back of my nostrils, hitting my brain like a strong drug.

He took a step closer and his scent became even more potent.

I hunch over, feeling a slight churning feeling in the pit of my stomach. “That’s right...take me all in, baby girl,” he said. “You can’t fight it...the more you fight, the stronger it gets.”

My nails were shifting and unshifting into claws and the same with my teeth.

“I’ve kept my word...I’ve waited...” he said.

My wolf, she was raging, flipping, and howling from within, ready to emerge for the man standing in from of her. She has finally found her mate.

“I told you an Alpha knows when something belongs to him!” he smiled hungrily at me. “You officially belong to me, princess. Get ready for a hell of a ride!”

A/N

How do you like the book so far guys? Are you happy for Darius?

(Click the link below to continue)

[downbythewater-beachblondee]

23 | Which Doctor?

Elijah

~

Three days easily became seventy two hours by the trillionth of a second without a doubt. If it weren't for my bouts of paranoia, maybe I would've continued taking my Xanax. Either way the gander went, Sanaa left no trace for me to sniff up. Unlike every other epoch with her, she had vanished with no intentions of ever contacting me again. And how? Sanaa was a character of few. She disappeared whenever she saw fit for ridiculous reasons but she would always make it her duty to put up those little white flags of parley, as if to say "I'm sorry. Im okay, again."

Like standing outside of her house at 2 o'clock in the morning. I mean, of course she knew I would show up eventually, right?

Or even answering the door with only a measly little robe on and her hair tied. Come on. She would've only known it would be me waiting at the door.

But that was then...and this is now.

Today marks the second day out of three that I've paced ridiculously around the pond. I'd seen her maybe once or twice accompanied by a group of girls including my sister cuddled up against some pregnant broad. That was her. Gay as hell.

I hadn't shaven since Sanaa left and I was going on maybe two or three hours worth of sleep; of course I couldn't muster the courage to approach her unceasing radiance in such matters. I was a mess. That and I was a pussy. Maybe even a little slither of a creep. I'd met her across from a tree for two days on end. Then I'd lie in the abyss of the tiny forest and trod home.

I didn't call in sick. Shit, I might have even been close to loosing my job.

I was always afraid. Afraid of loosing something. But again, I was a pussy so I couldn't step up to anything the way normal people did.

The ticking of the clock frightened me at night. So did the shadows of the pine trees outside. So in my mind all accounts traced to Xanax. I'd emptied them all in the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat. I was a doctor for Christ's sakes. Everyone knew Xanax was the number one cause of Paranoia.

But then I'd have these strange night terror's of Esther. She was naked. Holding her stomach. That's really all. Nothing gruesome. Nothing gory. Nothing too thought provoking. But they'd continued constantly throughout the night and it felt like she was looking at me. Like she was saying "Why, Elijah? You let him kill me."

I cut myself a few times.

But then again, I was a bit too pussy to let myself bleed out completely.

So I just sat and stared at the blood until I was able to shut my thoughts up enough to watch friends and drink a cup of chamomile tea.

Still didn't clean up the iota of blood.

On the third day, I had awoken to the scowl of my mother peering down on me.

"The fuck is all this blood doing on the coffee table."

Good thing my arms were covered. I had them crossed.

"What are you even doing here?" I clipped, honestly wondering how the fuck she got in my house.

"Your father and I wanted to get the family together for a family reunion."

I grimaced in confusion. We hadn't been to a family reunion in years. Not since dad was caught in the bathroom with momma's sister. Bad year.

"Family reunion?" I repeated.

"Yes. You. Your siblings. Me and your dad."

"Wait, how did you-"

"Get up. We're going bowling."

Alright. Maybe I needed to get out the house anyway.

_______________

The car ride was bountifully silent. Rosie was connected to her walkman as was T.J. to his gameboy. Dad was driving. Mom was nuts and also reading a magazine.

"What kind of family reunion are we talking? Are we going out of town or something?"

"Don't be silly, Eli. It's a stay-cation." She smiled proudly lifting the words out of her mouth just as she'd lifted it out of a Marie-Claire issue.

"Stay-cation." I mouthed.

I tried not thinking about Esther or Sanaa during the bumpy car ride but it was nearly impossible. They both knew Rosie but only one of them had the likings of my mom. Even I didn't have that.

After strolling into the alley like a pack of unattached neanderthals, my dad bought our tickets, we settled into our shoes and finally let the bowling begin.

T.J. was an entire clit when it came to bowling. He sucked ass and that was final. Although Titus and I barely had a sliver of a relationship since well, ever, we rekindled whatever we didn't have during the slop shod bowling night.

"You're a twat."

"And you, my friend, have spent way to much fucking time in Europe."

"That's enough you two..." My mother scolded. "Make way for mama."

"Mama, why do you have on a tennis hat?" I asked.

"Exactly. This isn't tennis...and we're inside."

All of us, even daddy, laughed at each other.

"Oh, hush. You have to get in the game," Mama began, readying herself to roll the ball, only to score perfectly knocking down all of the pins. "To beat the game."

It was too perfect. All of us were getting along even if it was all fake and phony. However, something seemed off.

Rosie was glued to her Nokia.

Which was odd even for her. Rosie was never one to kiss up to Dinah. But moments like these when everyone was getting along was like golden ice cream for her. She inhaled it like someone would take it soon. Which was true. This little family stay-cation wasn't playing for keeps. Pretty soon, dad and mom would be at their adversary's and the house would be empty as it always is.

But this was probably the first summer we had all took part together.

Something had to be wrong with her.

"Rosetta," I called, hoping to get a reaction out of her. However, I didn't. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing,"

"Well mom and dad are getting along pretty well."

She shrugged, tapping her fingers against the metal screen.

"Rose. What's going on? You haven't even put your shoes on."

"I figured why would I? All of this is fake anyway."

"Yeah but...they're trying-"

"Then tell them to try harder...it's a little too late for that shit."

What the hell was eating her up? I figured it had something to do with that short, pregnant chick from down by the water.

"How's your love life so far?" I probed.

She looked at me, pausing what she was doing.

"Since when have you ever cared about my love life?"

"I know that you're fucking insane for not bowling with me. And I know it ain't no nigga that's got you buggin' like this."

She chuckled which made me smile. I got her to laugh.

"You're right. I guess I need to put this thing down for a while."

"As you should." I agreed, remembering how just a few hours ago I was too punk to kill myself. "So who's got your boxers in a twist?"

"I'll let you know as soon as they deliver your panties. Extra small, right?"

"Very funny." I chided, nudging her slightly.

"Well, you remember the girl I brought to the funeral?" She asked.

Maybe I would've heard her if it weren't for my withdrawals. I noticed a woman with fat brown hair and a 70s halter top skating towards the restrooms. It had to be Sanaa. So I did the creepiest thing anyone could do. I followed her. And I waited outside the bathroom door until she walked out revealing the same hair but a different face. So I smiled, hoping to match her gaze of derision.

She snarled, dismissing herself.

Fuck. I really needed to take some more Xanax.

I lingered over towards the rest of the family before anything could get any more wicked than it already was. I should've known my dad would strike up a conversation exactly when I didn't want or need any of it.

"You gettin' along fine?" He asked, hinting towards my sex life since Esther's death.

"Yes dad." I replied.

No. No the fuck I did not plan on explaining my sex life to my dad post the death of my first wife. Nope. I didn't want to blame it on Sanaa, the sweetheart by day and woman by night who also showed up at Esther's funeral. Not that my dad would have remembered or anything. But Sanaa was certainly packing something behind her. I'm sure my dad was the first to see it.

All that and then some.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, dad. Sure as sure can be."

I knew he'd go ahead with whatever lecture he could find through the files of his mind. He'd talk about strength, prosperity, the male's position in the household and how it should be fulfilled and if it isn't fulfilled to go find it somewhere else. How money was the answer to all things.

All that and then some.

But I could give a rats ass. I needed a clear up. Yeah. A clear up.

The reason I was in this mess in the first place had nothing to do with Esther's death. It was the ambiguity of the cyanide that had me fucked and I couldn't live with myself. Kylo was a snake and I'd been pushing the mere thought of his name in the trenches of mind since the night I found out about her death.

If he had anything to do with Cyanide that killed her all ties would link back to me. My fingerprints were on all of the materials I'd given him. One of the reasons why I kept my mouth shut. That and...well...priorities haven't really been one of the main things on my list.

"Are you hearing me?"

"...Yeah. Yeah dad. I hear you, listen I wanted to ask you something,"

"Why, yes. Go ahead."

Wow. Wow. Here goes. If I had an opioid monitor it'd be beeping the hell out of this place right now.

I needed the strongest cocaine you could give. I was about to get as close as truth could get me. And honestly, now was the first time I had even thought of the truth since well, I can't date back that far.

"You can clear things up...in the system. Right dad?"

"Well, I suppose. What sort of things?"

Homicide.

"Certain things that only you could do. Sort of like...my doctorate. You made that happen, why not anything else."

"You didn't get somebody pregnant did you?"

"No!" I lied.

Who knows about anything these days. Maybe if Sanaa would answer the god damn phone I'd be one educated mother fucker.

"Well, let's talk then."

It was then that I realized Esther had possessed me that day. Her boldness wore into me. Finally I had a backbone.

Happy was what happy wasn't. And I wasn't.

Happy.

[jukaizek]

TL;DR just found out about my neptune actually being in the 1st house instead of the 12th (kinda still a noob with this natal shit so i probably dk what im talking about😂)

//sorry for long post dump but idk how tf to cut this shit short in mobile and already ran out of pages in my journal ages ago so yay for public rambling. barely got any sleep so already forgot 90% of what i said-- can you spell regret//

for the longest time i was attached to the idea of having it in the 12th house because i wanted it to make sense. and its kinda ironic cause the more i read about the qualities of a 1st house neptunian, the more i realized why i even wanted my illusion to be part of my identity so badly-- i had no "real" identity to cling on to. just constantly lost. lost to who i really am as person. so much so that i unconsciously started chasing whatever image everyone else has been trying to project onto me. tried to be the ideal person they wanted to me to be, or thought i was. it was pretty easy since apparently 1st house nepts are impressionable and tend to absorb emotional tones of their surroundings. even their tastes and views get warped into the people they surrounded themselves the most with.

when i look at my chart and see the number, read about it countless of times, i didnt get any of my answers. i thought lucid dreaming 24/7 and having vivid dreams in general checked it off as accurate but i never really understood the rest of the stuff the descriptions had as well. i was unsure about all the "spiritual" bs and "being so out of touch with reality cause ive transcended this plane of existence" just never stuck to me. they never sounded right, as much as i wanted to have all of those qualities. i started having dreams where i feel like i was being warned about something to come-- and the dreams about my brother's accident was the final push that tipped me further into believing the "psychic" shit of that placement lmao. still, i wanna believe some part of that applies.

im trying to figure out how tf this confusion even happened in the first place. i used a bunch of birth chart calculators and half would say 1st house while the other the 12th. and the latter just happened to be the first version i recorded when i started out delving deeper into my natal chart.

now ive got mixed feelings about it. bummed cause ive spent so much time taking that shit too seriously that ive idealized the placement too much-- relying on it to manifest itself perfectly somehow instead of figuring it out internally. but happy that i learned more. and should probably stop doing the rest to my other placements from here on.

a lot of things make more sense to me now. like how both my saturn in 3rd and jupiter in 3rd gives me deep-rooted issues when it comes to communication/expressing my thoughts fluently. i was always so frustrated at how i couldnt get the exact shit i had on my mind out. insecure and jealous of other piscean mercury natives cause i couldnt apply the same placement in my chart as well as i thought i should have been able to. my lack of confidence turning a conversation i shouldve been naturally so passionate about to laconic ass interactions. its just so unnecessary. like why am i even fucking anxious about butchering my own self expression in the first place. coming out so off base that others would get the wrong idea? or maybe worse case, id offend people when i didnt mean to. so afraid of how it will come out that i cant even form a cohesive sentence in person. probably why it's so easy for neptune in the 1st people to be molded into other people's ideal personas in the first place. it feels safer to just submit-- driving my scorpio mars INSANE cause it just gives people the impression that "not having opinions" = idgaf about how they treat me. which is why im thankful for my aries sun (also in the 3rd--100%talkative child in a nut)to at least make up for that pussy mentality and just punch myself inside into submission until i forget my fears and just wallow in regret later 😂. gotta love that ego-seesaw stg

also explains why i seem to attract different types people like magnets for only so long until they finally realize how far off their first impression of me really was. or they're just straight up as confused as i am lmao. aqua dom/ uranus in the 1st / venus gemini doesnt help either cause of course my fickle ass cant resist switching shells and faces real quick or else i die out of boredom.

and neptune isnt even a major planet so idk why im getting so worked up about anything😂

anyways, gonna go back to reading about it some more cause i still cant believe my lazy ass somehow didnt figure to check it out more closely even when i first started having doubts about that placement years ago.

[writers-blog12]

I'm in love with someone I can't be in love with

I jostled in the back seat, a plastic smile plastered to my face. I tried to act happy, but to be honest? I'm just having a really bad day.

Simon's blue eyes caught my own in the rearview mirror. "Hey, you okay?"

My heart thuddwd in my chest. A flash of denial cut through my thoughts.

No. It can't happen. Get over it.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why do u ask?" I give a light chuckle, fooling everyone else in the car with ease. Except for my best friend, Kodak. And someone who should hardly know me at all: Simon.

Kodak simply raised his eyebrows at me, but understood I didn't want to talk and looked away.

Simon, however, narrowed his eyes. "You sure about that, Brit?"

"Simon, I'm fine. I'm having a great time."

Simon simply grunted and lowered his brows.

I ain't gettijng out of this one. Not with both of them on my butt.

Shortly after the volleyball game, with full stomachs, Simon dropped everyone off one by one. Kodak shot a were facetiming tonight look my way as he shut the door. Simon nodded his head to the front seat. "Hop up here."

"In fine back-"

"Front seat. Now. I am not moving this car until you get up here."

"Simon, really, I'm fine-"

He threateningly held his hand to his chest. "I'll do it," he threatened.

" Dont you dare," I growl, already preparing to pounce on his arm.

He flung his arm in a straight, diagonal motion, and I leaped forward and pressed his arm down to his leg. I shot him a withering glare until I noticed the humor in his eyes and the slight quirk in his smile. "What are you-!" I trailed off as he just looked down at our hands. Too late, I felt the tingling sensation that danced across my skin every time I touched him.

My hands were pressed against his open palm, resting on his thigh.

"When'd you get so forward?" His rumbling voice behind me made me jump a little. Before I could pull away, he intertwined my fingers with my own. He held our hands up to his face, my breath hitching in my throat. "Did you paint your nails finally?"

"Uh, yeah. I was just bored the other day and saw this picture on Instagram and I was like wow I really need to get back into painting my nails and..." My sentence died when I heard Simon's breathy laugh. "What?" I ask, nervous.

"It s just that you haven't moved yet."

After a moments hesitation, I retracted my limbs and planted myself in the passenger seat. I folded my hands tightly together and held them in my lap. I tried to hide the trembling shaking through my body.

"what's wrong, Brit?" Simon asked, probing my eyes for answers.

"I told you, I'm fine!" I put on my most winning smile. "Nothing to worry about!"

Simon allowed his eyes to flicker down to my hands, shooting a pointed glance my way.

My hands sprung apart. "Uh, my house is just a few blocks away."

"Im aware." He put the car in gear. "What's your curfew?"

"...why?" I answered cautiously.

"Would you just tell me?"

"...ten thirty."

"Cool." He took off, but missed my block.

"Simon, you missed the turn."

He kept his eyes fixed to the road, replying with "I know."

"Simon, what are you doing?" A feeling of uneasiness and nerves knotted in my chest.

He looked over at me, taking his eyes from the road. "You gonna start talking sometime?"

"Simon, eyes on the road!" I nearly shrieked, voice tight.

Simon only waggled his eyebrows. "Why?"

"Simon!" I reached over and grabbed the wheel, gently pulling the car away from the median. "Are you insane!?"

Simon gently grabbed my wrist, the pressure of his fingertips almost burning my skin. He guided me back into my seat, and returned his eyes to the road. "What's wrong, Brit?"

I sighed. "I just had a bad day, that's all."

"What made it a bad day?"

I lowered my head. "Don't really want to talk about it."

Oh, trust me. I did want to talk about it. But not with him. Because I was upset, because of him.

" Yeah, you do, come on."

"You've known me for five weeks and five days, how do you know I want to talk?" I burst, my tone close to angry.

"Ah, you've been counting down the days since you met me, I see." He smirked. "Didn't know you paid so much attention to me."

Despite my best efforts, I felt a blush creep up my skin. "I dont."

"Mhmm. And I suppose you just happened to run to the band room as fast as you can after school."

"I need to get my violin."

"Yeah, but you're always in there before I am."

"I never see you in there."

Simon suddenly made fierce eye contact with me, too captivating to turn away. "Do you want to?" He asked.

I opened my mouth for a stinging retort, but the words stuck in my throat. I clamped my jaw shut. I don't lie to my friends. And truth be told, if I told him I didn't want to see him, id be lying.

"In going to take that as a yes."

"Simon..."

He held a hand up. "Just hold on." He turned a corner and continued. "I asked you out the second week of school. I told you everything about..." He swallowed. "M y past, and my home life. I've told you everything." He took a deep breath, preparing himself. "And you told me you couldn't go out with me, because I don't believe in God. But you also said...you also said you really liked me."

"Because I do," I whisper.

"Wha t was that?"

"I did," I hurriedly correct myself. No, you still do.

"Brit, do you still like me?"

"Its... complicated, Simon."

"Why is it so complicated?"

Something inside me burst. But not immediately. More like I began to leak. I sighed. "You know how I've never kissed anyone, never wanted to hug anyone, hold hands with anyone?" I whisper

"Yeah," he rumbled.

" You know how in class sometimes we..."

"Play footsie?" He laughed.

"An d then we stay there," I say, barely audible.

Simon grew silent, face revealing nothing.

" It drives me nuts, you drive me nuts, Simon. You are the first guy I've ever done that with. The only guy I have liked the touch of." I took a shuddering breath. "And I hate that."

"Why?" He asks, clearly confused.

I roll my eyes, trying for an annoyed tone. Probably failing. "Because I can't be with you, you idiot! You are the first guy I have even ever thought of kissing and-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Simon cut me off. His eyebrows were creased, yet I could catch the faintest smile beginning to split his face. "You've thought about kissing me?"

My eyes widened as I realized the horror of what I had done. "No, no, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves-"

"Was I good?"

The question brought me up short. "I don't know! I've been trying not to think about even hugging you, let alone kiss- just forget what I said! Turn around." I folded my arms and looked out the window, my knee bouncing involuntarily and making the chair emit a horrible squeaking sound.

I felt a warm hand rest on my knee, but my mind was too muddled with thoughts to notice. A few seconds later my ears caught something-silence. I looked down at me knee to see it had stopped bouncing, and to see a large, scarred, calloussed hand over top of it. Hoping he wouldn't notice, I slid my eyes over to look at him. He had one hand on the wheel, one hand on my knee. He looked good. Then I broke myself from my trance.

"Gosh-danging it, Simon!" I pulled my knee away, pushing his hand away with both hands.

" What? The squeaking was annoying."

"See, this is what I'm talking about! You drive me nuts when you touch me, I get all flustered whenever you're around, I don't think as well, about what I'm saying, and I want to be with you, and I can't because I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in God and I'm mad at you but I can't be mad at you because you're not mine and I can't be jealous because you're not mine and..." My voice was shaking, and breaths fast and short.

I looked out the window to see we had stopped. In one of my favorite spots. It was a little back road on the way to work, but it was farmland all around.

"How'd you know about this place?" I whisper, gazing out over the field.

I heard Simon lean over, like he was leaning on the console. I could feel his closeness, as much as I didn't want to.

"Tha t one night I worked with you, you took this way rather than the highway. And the look on your face when you see new developments, you look extremely pissed. You respect farmers. You love Texas. This is one of your favorite places in the world."

I turned away from the landscape to find my face inches from Simon's. Our breaths mingled for a second.

I leaned forward, and pressed my palm to his chest, gently pushing him back. "I cant," I whisper, choking the words out.

Simon pressed his lips into a thin line. "Yeah, I thought so," he rumbled. He forced his eyes brighter. "But no one said friends can't hug each other, right?"

I thought for a moment. "Maybe once can't hurt."

We stepped out to the front of his car, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, laying my head on his shoulder. His arms were firm and certain around my waist. It felt just as I had imagined it. Right.

But as much as it felt right.

It could never be.

[imagininghim]

Chapter 17

A/N: Sorry for the late update! Let me know if you want to be tagged!

Ps. I’m sorry if this chapter sucked. I’m trying to stay intact with the show while still causing drama and climaxes.

Where she went Masterlist

I awoke to see boring yellow walls and a dull white ceiling. I took a taxi to a motel on the outskirts of town. I made sure that I left my phone with the prospect so that Jax could not track me. Still in the same clothes from the day before I groggily hauled myself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. As I reached the bathroom I splashed some water on my face before patting it dry with a towel.

I headed back into the room to see that the clock read one-thirty-five. I sighed before heading to the motel phone and calling the person Jax would never think of.

“David Hale, speaking.” I smiled to myself at his professional tone of voice.

“Hey, it’s (Y/N).” The line stayed quiet for a moment before I heard the murmuring of voices and a chair scraping across the floor before Hale spoke up.

“(Y/N)! Jax is going nuts looking for you! Where the hell has you been?” I rolled my eyes at his words. He sounded just like an overprotective parent.

“I’m at a motel. Listen, I was wondering if you were free?” Hale sighed at my minimal information.

“Yeah, I’m free. What did you need?”

“I need someone to occupy my time until bobby’s party tonight.”

“Fine, I’ll pick you up at the motel. What one is it?” Hale questioned.

“The sundown.”

“I’ll be there in five.” I thanked him before hanging up. I sat on the bed before running my fingers through my hair. I glanced over to the nightstand to see the manuscript laying there. I thought back to what Piney had said to me.

“It’s time to make a change and I know you’re the one to do it.”

He was right.

But, how was I supposed to make a change?  

Jax’s POV:

We had just made a deal with the IRA for their guns and I was heading over to Ope’s.

“Hey, Half-Sack!” Half looked at me with a scared and surprised look.

“Y-yes?!” He yelled back as I shook my head before motioning him to come over to me.

“Come over here, you moron.” Half began to run over to me while I lit a smoke.

“Yeah?” He questioned as I took a puff.

“Have you heard from (Y/N)? Or at least seen her?” He shook his head while I sighed. “She never came back to the club last night?” I questioned before he shook his head again.

“No, when she gave me her phone that was the last I saw of her.” I nodded before taking another drag.

“Let me know if you hear from her.” He nodded before heading back over to his bike. I sighed again before taking the last drag of my cigarette before stomping it out.

“Where the hell is she?”

(Y/N)’s POV:

Later that day:

It was getting darker as Hale and I drove around Charming.

“So, would you like to talk about what happened yesterday? I know Jax has been worried sick about you.” I rolled my eyes at his question.

“After you told us that and I ran out. I walked for hours until I came across a liquor store. I went in and bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I left and walked some more until I came back to the graveyard you first found me at. Downed half the bottle of Jack before passing out on the steps of a crypt.  I woke and headed down to Donna’s funeral and well… you know the rest.” Hale nodded in understanding.

“I’m sorry about Donna. She didn’t deserve to go out like that.” I smiled before nodding my head in agreement.

“I know, I will find the bastard that did that and make him or her face the same fate.” Hale nodded.

“Where do you want me to drop you off too?” He questioned as I thought for a moment.

“Can you drop me off at the club? It’s Bobby’s welcome home party tonight.” Hale nodded before beginning to take the route to the club. After a few minutes of silence before I spoke up. “Would you like to come?” I questioned turning towards him.

“No, thank you. It’s not really my scene plus I need to get back to the office.” I nodded as we continued to drive. We eventually pulled up to the club to see the party started. Club members from other charters and many croweaters stood around talking when we pulled up.

“Thank you for the ride,” I said opening the door and hopping out of his jeep. Hale smiled as I closed the door shut to see one of my long-lost friends. “That can’t be the Tacoma killer, can it?” I questioned as Happy flipped around at his nickname.

“(Y/N) fucking (Y/L/N)!” I giggled before running over to him as he held out his arms and picked me up.

“Oh my God, I haven’t seen you in years!” I screamed as he spun me around.

“The same goes for me.” Happy laid me back on the ground. “I mean, damn! Look at you! Your smokin’” I giggled at his compliment as a black car pulled up. Agent Stahl and another agent stepped out. Hale climbed out of his jeep to see what was going on.

“Agent Stahl, what are you doing here?” Hale questioned as the other agent went and opened the back door. Bobby stepped out and Juice walked over before putting his cut on him while the others hollered and shouted.

“Bobby!” I screamed before I took off running into his arms. “I missed you so much!” I said as he picked me up and spun me around just like Hap had done.

“I missed you too, baby girl.” Bobby put me down while I backed away to let the boys tackle him some more. I walked over to Hale when he finished talking to Stahl.

“Thanks again for the ride.” Out of the corner, I saw Jax pull up on his bike. I immediately wrapped my arms around Hale before pulling him into a tight hug surprising him and Jax. I let go of Hale before turning away and heading into the club.

Jax’s POV:

I pulled up onto TM parking lot to see Hale’s Jeep parked there. I glanced to the side a little to reveal (Y/N) and Hale hugging. I felt anger and jealousy burn through me as I played it off with a surprised look. (Y/N) let go of him before turning away and heading into the club. I parked my bike before dropping my helmet and making my way to Hale.

“You’ve got a hell of a lot of nerve showing up here!” I yelled before balling up his shirt and slamming him against the jeep.

“I didn’t do anything to hurt her! She called me!” Hale held up his hands defensively as Ope ran over and pulled me off him.

“Hey, hey! Jax, what’s wrong?!” Ope yelled while holding me back.

“Nothing’s wrong! Where was she?” I yelled out. Hale sighed before speaking.

“The Sundown Motel. On the outskirts of town.” I nodded before glancing back at Ope.

“Get him out of here!” I yelled before turning around and going into the club. Walking into the club I saw Bobby going to town on two croweaters. I looked around until I saw her. Sitting at the bar drinking slamming shots back. “What the hell was that?” (Y/N) slammed back her third or fourth shot before turning to me.

(Y/N)’s POV:

“What was what?” I questioned, acting innocent.

“What were you doing with Hale?! I thought you couldn’t stand him after what he pulled!” (Y/N) began to laugh before slamming back, yet another shot.

“What I pulled?! Let’s talk about what you pulled!” Jax furrowed his brows before speaking up.

“What I pulled? What the fuck did I do?!” (Y/N) rolled her eyes before slamming the shot glass on the bar. Smashing it. The club went quiet as (Y/N) spoke up.

“How about the time you almost took me on the club table but I stopped it because you were with fucking Tara! Or how about the time you lead me on when were fucking eighteen and you left me for that slut! Huh?! I ran a fucking way because of that and we both know how that worked out for me! Don’t we?! So, don’t fucking act like you mister perfect because you got more skeletons in your closet than any of us here!” I pushed away from Jax before making mine out of the club. Tears streaming down my face. Jax, Opie and the rest of the club followed me out.

“(Y/N)!” Jax yelled out as he went to reach out for me.

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME, TELLER!” I screamed out as Opie rushed to my side.

“It’s alright. I’ve got her.” Opie said wrapping his arms around me while I cuddled into him.

“(Y/N), you need to rest and not in some cheap motel either. You can stay at my place.” Jax said as I shook my head no.

“No way in hell am I staying at your place near that skank or here.” I snapped as Bobby spoke up.

“It’s alright, she can stay at my place. I don’t plan on going home tonight.” Bobby said walking towards me while fishing out his keys from his jeans. He came in front of me before handing them to me. I let go of Ope before walking over to Bobby. I pulled him into a hug before taking his keys.

“Thanks, Bobby.” I went to go walk away when Jax spoke again.

“You’re not walking. Can I at least drive you?” I stopped mid-walk before sighing and turning around.

“Fine.” Jax walked over to his bike and hopped on. I followed him before picking up my helmet and climbing on behind him.

Time skip:

We pulled up to Bobby’s place as I climbed off his bike while taking off my helmet and handing it to Jax and walking away.

“(Y/N)! Wait!” I turned to see Jax running up Bobby’s walkway.

“What?” I questioned while stopping.

“I wanted to apologize for what happened earlier and yesterday. I wasn’t with Tara yesterday, when you were walking up she clutched my hand. Before I could pull away you were already there. I’ve been worried sick about you for two days-” I cut Jax off by pulling him in for a hug.

“I’m sorry, I never should have lashed out at you. None of that was your fault. Donna’s death, my out lash, none of it.” Jax hugged me back, tighter as I finally let the tears fall. “I’m just so… so… broken. Ever since New York… I just… I can’t…” I broke out into sobs as Jax held onto me while I gripped his hoodie and sobbed into his shoulder.

“We’ll get through this,” Jax said. “I promise.”

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