#IT TASTES SO BAD. ive been in this situation before but it never gets better. it tastes so bad. its so unique i really cant describe it.
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i would like to thank the planet earth that the weather app says itll be in the 50s-60s tomorrow. ive been melting this past week and its led to a chain of events that im still going through
#my post#so. my grandma does not turn on the ac#and on nice days she opens up all the windows#and last week it was like 80 degrees outside for like 2 days straight. and i dont take well to heat#and the entire upper floor of the house was akin to a sauna. like humidity and heat to match#this led to 2 things. 1 was me trying to sleep downstairs where it was only slightly cooler but not rly. and so i got very poor sleep and#woke up at an absolutely horrible time of night which had me fucked up sleepwise for days. and 2 is that the next time i slept in my own bed#i ended up sleeping with basically no covers on. with my fan blasting quite literally directly at my face for hours straight from maybe#a foot away at most. so i was sleeping horribly and then my nose was dehydrated which meant runny nose hell#my sleep is fixed now but my nose? hell. for a full day it was a waterfall. like neverending. i think that was literally the day#THAT I HAD MY THERAPY. my only calm nose moment was in the office lol. and anyway yesterday my nose was mostly? fine#and now it basically hasnt run at all. but all that sniffling fucking. cw GROSS. my throat is just coated dude. its all i taste.#IT TASTES SO BAD. ive been in this situation before but it never gets better. it tastes so bad. its so unique i really cant describe it.#i tried to drink a large hot coffee and it slightly worked but not really#i think my only solution is to suffer#or try what google tells me to try idk whatever
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OHHHHH SO MANY THOUGHTS TO SHARE
Holy shit. Probably the hardest I’ve laughed at any of the new seasons releases so far. Absolutely speechless
Hellhole:
- SOOOOO HAPPY to see them riff again it’s so corny and silly
- Beavis gets to hell and his first thought is where all the biker dudes are? interesting interesting *puts this in my notes
-oh my god already some amazing facial expressions
no wonder this dude ends up with so many cracked teeth in the future
- the boys being inexplicably immune to death never gets old to me
- THE DARKNESS PART HAD MY HEAD IN MY HANDS SHUT UP. THANK **GOD** IT WASN’T ANOTHER ESCAPED SNAKE SITUATION DEAR GOD IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER FOR A BAIT AND SWITCH
-hehe :] sillies
Overall thoughts: Another great ep this season good job guys, gave me a lot of good little laughs
The video segment was whatever but Arianna’s eye candy so like. All good :]
Take A Bow:
My god. I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen on the way in to this episode and I was NOT prepared for what it gave me and put me through
- already starting the ep strong with some GREAT facial expressions
so fucking real i used to do this to my guy friends when i was their age. not quite enough to put them in the hospital but like. yea lmao
- (monotone) “Take a bow” HAD ME DYINNNNGGGGG
- knowing about all the flavors of mountain dew what a goddamn nerd (knows everything about the different monster flavors)
- “Cherries don’t taste red at ALL. They taste all barfy” little kids complaining about foods they dont like is so silly, thank you for being your childish self its so refreshing
oh man. fuck. its butthead characterization time! finally some good fucking food. oh man here come the waterworks IMAGINE me getting stupid over an emotionally stunted idiot with a big head:
- “not until youre better beavis” first of all shut up. second of all shut up.
- “It’s like, I didn’t mean to hurt him. Feeling bad sucks.” WE KNOW BABY. WE KNOW. SO PROUD OF YOU FOR ADMITTING IT HUN :((((( the fact that bro cant even acknowledge he HAS feelings unless he’s alone. the volumes that speaks to me. man
if you had told me a week ago these were real screenoshots i wouldnt have believed you. at all. cant wait to see the looks on the faces of all the “ohh stop looking so far into it its just a stupid lowbrow cartoon” people like shut the fuck up!!!!! youve clearly never experienced real friendship before and are so pissed off cause u dont know what it looks like
- not pictured here is where they had to forcefully remove butthead from the room bc he was freaking out after thinking he killed beavis. If you disagree youre just wrong sorry!
- not only is this a funny as hell angle but man. we already know damn well he doesn’t want beavis to die but its nice to hear him say it. also he’s right, it was really funny. take a bow :]
- a lot of really good beavis screams this episode too
- BOY. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT “COVID” IS. MR JUDGE IM STRIKING THAT FROM THE RECORDS BUT YOURE ON THIN FUCKING ICE AKJSDSNA
- “-and his friend would have died of grief shortly there-after” I’m- I need a minute. LIKE WE ALREADY KNEW THIS BUT. THANKS FOR ADMITTING IT.
- also, god is a whiteman i guess kasjndsajkd
In conclusion: both fucking great episodes. I am always EXTRA excited for Butt-Head characterization moments, it just makes him so much more human. Not to mention how happy I am to see that they toned down his cruelty JUST a touch. I honestly didn’t notice how bad it had gotten last season until i compared it to how this one is going so far, it feels more like older seasons butthead again :] Like dont get me wrong i LOVE it when he’s mean its just who he is but it should come more out of a place of stupidity/no real self awareness than like. idk wherever it was coming from last season. These boys are goin soft on us and to that i say: thank god. It’s nice to see them act human. Take a bow has EASILY taken old man beavis’ place as my favorite ep so far and ngl its going to be tough to beat. Funny episode that had me chuckling throughout the whole thing AND nice Butt-Head moments? Oh Mike, you shouldnt have u///u
Anyways lemme know your thoughts :]
#bnb spoiler tag#skeletalk#AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#basically is what i got from these new eps
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oh moon. ur writing bop after bop. my only wish is to fix ur sleeping schedule (as i don’t write it at 2 am before my work).
“although Will wasn’t sure why, with a lack of an attempt to call or write or remind him that he actually cares about Will in any facet” it’s actually crazy how differently ur looking at this situation after reading mike’s pov. like, will, honey. u didn’t reach out too…
“Will just misses him like home” well sad version of the phrase “home is there the heart is” is valid too 😭
oh and the sky!! “gray sky” when he’s lonely, “gray-red sky” when hes torturing himself about loving mike, “The sun glimpses through cloudy skies” when ice started to melt, “grayish-blue” when they went back to normal but before coming out
“Will knows it’ll never be like before” the way he’s right and wrong at the same time.
“We should all have one person that knows our favorite song” and u decided to become wills person yeah?
“he hear when Mike lets out the smallest of sighs, fleeting when he lands on the ground” he signs like an old person when he’s going any physical activity 😭 grandpa in a young boy body
“You don’t have anything to apologize for” i love when ur doing this
“It makes Will’s mouth run dry” as california summer. fake but never forgotten
““You’re crazy,” [...] He surely drives Will crazy.” yeah cause they’re crazy together
“There’s – there’ll never be a girl.” coming out scenes always make me shrink like im looking for something bad to happen. even though i know it’s impossible. i can’t imagine how hard it’s write one
“if – if you did, that’d be – I’m just” i love when mike is aware of his feelings and finding out that will is gay but still hesitating cause that will is gay doesn’t mean he likes mike.
“Now, I know you better than anyone” hes so 😭😭 i swear if he could put will in his pocket and don’t let anyone interact with him he’d do it
“to brush Will’s hair away from his forehead” im obsessed with this trop
“He’s going to overthink it for the rest of his life, he knows” a lot of others kisses are coming my boy </3
“He can feel Mike’s eyes on him.” and then whole “will-they-won’t-they” thing will start.
also i loove the playlist u made :) “lost in japan” is like… my favorite shawn song Ever 😭😭 and there’s a song “concentrate” which is “hitchhiker” twin But i love “hitchhiker” more so it’s crazy that u chose it 😭😭
ur music taste is soft and sweet like cotton candy. i feel like mine is more like confetti cause i listen to more pop. does it make sense? (it doesn’t mean i don’t like it. it’s just different and that’s cool cause im struggling to find music outside my comfort zone)
anyway. love ur fic and ur playlist. ty for them <3
i feel like we should support u at every given opportunity
my sleep schedule has been in Shambles since i was nine ! so ! at least u get some fics out of my terrible insomnia :D
u know they have some of the worst miscommunication problems ihave Ever seen . i need to trap them together in a room for three hours with a sleeve of ritz crackers
oh my god im so happy u noticed the whole sky motif !!!!!!! it makes me so excited whenever someone notices something like that especially when its probably something u skim over alya Love of my life
mike immediately going over will and filing away every song hes ever listened to is so real to me .
ok YES he sighs like an old man when he does anything . BUT SO DO I 😭😭😭 LET ME LIVE
the bedroom scene where mike looks So offended when will is like I Deserved It :/ lives rent free in my mind . i need to implement it whereveer i can
"as california summer. fake but never forgotten" HEELEPJHP
CRAZY TOGETHER !!!!! CRAZY TOGETHEERRRRRR
coming out scenes intimidate me so so much oh my god ive never even . come out to anyone i just imply things and let people figure it out on their own and watching coming out scenes make me sweat like a sinner in church but . writing them is so hard for me !!!!!!! im trying to write one with jonwill and it is so so so slow and difficult oh my god
so true !!!!!!! mike the gentleman that u are .
he would he rly would !!! number #1 will byers fan Mike Wheeler he just like me fr
omg "lost in japan" is one of my favorite songs of his too and i was like . this is So alya and im so glad u liked it yayayy !!!!!! also what a coincidence i chose the twin u liked better !!!! our brains are Connected for real
urs is definitely like confetti omg what a perfect way of describing it ! urs is like bubbly soda and mine is like . a milkshake . does this make sense . urs so fun and hype and i lovee the songs u showed me !
thank u so much for liking both things alya :D u mean the world 2 me !
#/ask#daily alya#crying over this#when i post a fic and then theres a Long ask in my inbox . plastering it on my walls
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You Aren’t Somebody? (Bucky x Reader)
Bucky x reader
Word count: 2647
Summary: Bucky knows that the reader has struggled with an eating disorder before, but thought they were doing better. Little does he know, they had just gotten better at hiding it. Until one night, he catches her doing something she had promised she had stopped
Warnings: eating disorder, purging, angst, fluff
Tags @abitgryffindorky @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @buckfics @barnesplums @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @thundering-barnes
Main Masterlist
A/N: It’s finals week and I am running on energy drinks, reading fanfiction, and longgggg hot showers. But the semester is almost over, and then I have no obligations aside from my hobbies. I see the requests and I’m working on them I promise! I have a list of all the requests that I get, and I am working through them I PROMISE!!! Thank you all for all of your support.
A/N 2: This deals with heavy and dark themes of mental illness. The specific warnings are above. If you feel that in any way reading this will be harmful to your mental health and your journey, PLEASE skip it. I write from my own experience and I know what I would’ve wanted to hear in these situations, and writing/reading fics helps me feel comforted. This fic is based on one experience more specifically than most of my fics, so I apologize if it’s not exactly the same as your experience. This is what I would’ve wanted to hear. If you need or want someone to talk to, vent to, or get advice from, feel free to message me, really. I’m here! <3
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Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his.
He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.
“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky.”
He looked you up and down. Your hair was in a messy bun, a few loose strands sticking to your tear stained cheeks. Your eyes were puffy, and your face was red, voice raspy. He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”
“You promised.”
You closed your eyes. He wasn’t wrong, you had promised. But that was because you never thought you’d see the day when you were purging again. You thought you had gotten over it. You really thought that this time you wouldn’t slip up.
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You had been struggling with an eating disorder for a while. The cause, you weren’t quite sure. An innocent diet soon turned into a competition for yourself, but the end goal was never there. At first you had thought it was just about the weight and how you looked, but then you found that some of your behavior patterns were tied to your emotional ones.
Stress was the major trigger, you had come to learn.
Whether it was a mission gone wrong, you getting injured, someone else getting injured, or even just basic social interactions you thought could’ve gone better, you found yourself inclined to comfort yourself with food.
Until you panicked, which would lead you to the bathroom with music blaring and water running to cover up the noises of your retching.
You hated it, and every time you told yourself it was the last time. But the more you did it, the more you felt the urge to do it. At first it was triggered by large stressors, but now smaller things could trigger you to want to throw up. You tried to keep it hidden, unaware of the true reasons for why you did it. You were able to help yourself sometimes, it wasn’t worth bringing anyone else into.
You couldn’t explain it to yourself, so how were you supposed to explain it to anybody?
The best way that you had figured out how to describe it was that whenever you felt a negative emotion, you could soothe it in a physical way with food, especially with all the warm comfort foods that are known. But at the same time, that feeling lasted as long as you could taste, and you would feel guilty as you felt full. When you threw up, it felt like you were also throwing up the negative emotions.
But when you said it out loud, it didn’t make sense. When people are sick and throwing up it’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Inducing it hurts sometimes, but it’s almost not as bad. Like you know it’s coming, and you’re in control of what’s happening and you could stop at any point. And there had been times where you could soothe yourself in other ways, and you knew your own physical limits. You knew when you had to stop for your own health.
Until you couldn’t stop.
Which is what led to you fainting on a mission after purging too much. Your electrolytes had bottomed out and you almost had a heart attack at an age no one should. Bucky, your boyfriend who was on the mission with you, had put it together when the first words out of your mouth upon gaining consciousness were “Is this a glucose drip?” while tugging at the IV.
He hadn’t been mad, not exactly. He wasn’t mad at you but he was furious with himself for not noticing, and for making you feel as though you couldn’t tell him. You assured him that you did trust him, but he wished you had come to him before you could’ve gotten yourself, and those on the mission, seriously hurt or killed.
Nonetheless, you still didn’t know how to talk about it.
“Can you try to tell me about it?” he asked gently, running a hand through your hair. He held you to his chest, you unable to meet his eyes.
“It won’t make any sense,” you had said, tears glazing your eyes.
“I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”
You paused for a moment. “It’s a long story and I don’t know where to start. There’s so much going wrong.” you had said, tears beginning to streak down your face.
“I have all the time for you. And it doesn’t have to make sense, these things rarely do. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to listen.”
And true to his word, he had. He had listened and held you while you tried to talk about what you could. He didn’t understand everything, he naturally had a ton of questions, but they weren’t for that moment. He had promised to help you the best that he could, and you had promised to try and tell him whenever you felt the urges get too strong. And if you couldn’t, to tell him after.
It was easier to talk to Bucky than anyone else. Not because he was your boyfriend, but because he seemed to understand you more than anyone else could. He had his own share of mental health struggles. Neither of you knew exactly what the other was going through, but you both understood that it was easy to feel alone and guilty even though you couldn’t control it.
It was rough, but he was never mad. He was sometimes firm, and sometimes you had gotten angry with him. Only to later apologize to him with tears in your eyes. He was never mad with you. He understood that this was something internal. Upon research he had done and conversations he had had with Bruce, he understood that this had nothing to do with him. Some people thought eating disorders were about getting attention when it was one of the furthest things from the truth.
All he could do was love you and be there for you.
And to your surprise, talking about it did help.it took a long time, months, of long and hard conversations, panic attacks, slip ups, and really dark days. But it got to the point where Bucky felt that you were doing better, making an effort to tell you how proud he was and how much he loved you.
And you were doing better, in a way. But you had been slipping up more recently, and you hadn’t told Bucky. You didn’t know how. After going the longest you’d ever had between slip ups, you found yourself retching over the toilet. You would have gone to Bucky but he had been away on a mission that was extended a few days. You couldn’t interrupt him because your feelings were too much to handle. People needed his help more than you did.
You were going to tell him, but he had been so tired when he had come back. He needed his time to relax, and it wasn’t the right time to tell him. And the next day when he was rested, you felt that it was irrelevant. Any negative feeling you had felt the day before had since past, and you didn’t see the point in bringing it up today. It would worry Bucky, he wouldn’t want to go on missions, and you weren’t going to do that to him. Besides, it was just one time.
Right?
You soon found yourself purging when Bucky wasn’t around. If he had gone out with Steve, if he was on a mission, or if he was down in the gym you found yourself taking more opportunities to give into your urges. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but you were spiraling. But at this point you had been slipping up so many times, you had been so secretive about it.
It would kill Bucky inside to know that you were hiding this from him again. He would feel like you didn’t trust him. You trusted him with your life.
You just didn’t want to let him down. Not again, not when he had explicitly told you to come to him and you had been blatantly ignoring that.
You wanted to tell him, you did. But you couldn’t let him being so proud of you be based on a lie.
One day you were hunched over the toilet, legs sahking and tears streaming down your face from exertion. Bucky was away on a mission, so you didn’t even bother with the music or the water. What you hadn’t anticipated was him coming back hours earlier than he should’ve
The mission had gone much more smoothly than anticipated, which everyone was happy about. Bucky was glad he would get a few more hours with you. He had gone up to your shared room and let himself in, surprised to see you weren’t there. But then he heard you coughing from behind a closed bathroom door.
He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. You had been doing so well, what had happened?
He walked over to the door, knocking on it and calling out your name. He heard you muffle a small fuck before he knocked again.
“Y/n please, let me in.”
He heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on, you on the other side washing your face. You could feel the tears from exertion be replaced by ones of shame and embarrassment, biting your lip slightly. What the fuck were you going to tell him?
When you finally turned off the water, you rubbed your face with a towel, sighing heavily into it. When you took it away, you looked long and hard at the doorknob.
Bucky sighed on the other side of the door. “Y/n please. I’m not mad. We’ve been here before, I just wanna talk to you.”
You closed your eyes for a moment, taking a breath before you made your expression nuetral and opened the door.
Bucky’s eyes immediately saddened when he took you in. your face was still red and there were tears in your eyes. You had tried to put up a front, he could tell that too. Sometimes you got angry with him because you didn’t want to be vulnerable. He was prepared because like he said - he’d helped you before.
Before he could say anything you crossed your arms. “You’re home early,” you said coldly.
“Y/n.”
“How’d the mission go? Well, I assume.” you tried to slip past Bucky but he was blocking the door.
Bucky took a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, the mission went well.” He wanted to be gentle with you. “But how are you?”
You shrugged, trying to appear oblivious. “I’m fine,” voice wavering slightly as you looked away.
“Y/n please. You’re not fine. Can you tell me what happened?”
“The same thing that always happens” you said bitterly. “Something stupid comes up, I start feeling like shit about myself and I ignore it until I’m puking it up with everything else, alright? It’s the same story, different time, and now I have you looking at me all hurt just like I was worried about which is why I couldn’t tell you!” you exclaimed, eyes filled with anger and tears. Bucky looked at you as if you had just punched him in the face. He would’ve much preferred that you had.
“Y/n.”
You shook your head, trying to get through the door that he was blocking. “Bucky, just let me through the door, forget it.”
“Y/n just talk to me please, I -”
“JUST LET ME THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR.” You yelled, surprising Bucky. It had been a while since you had gotten this angry or defensive. But he stood his ground. Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his.
He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.
“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky,” you said, feeling tears threatening to spill over.
He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”
You closed your eyes and felt a pang in your stomach. “Bucky, I - “
“You promised,” he said, voice cracking.
You shook your head. “Why do I have to talk about this. It’s not like I’m hurting anybody”
“You’re hurting yourself, y/n.” he said calmly.
You shook your head and narrowed your eyes slightly, tears falling. “That’s different Bucky, you know it is.”
“You aren’t somebody?”
You looked at him for a moment before a sob escaped your body, leaning on the counter for support as you brought a hand to your mouth. Bucky quickly came up behind you and pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around you. You started crying harder, embarrassed and ashamed.
“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, I -”
“Hey it’s okay, it’s alright y/n, I’m here.” Bucky kept whispering reassurances in your ears, rubbing a hand up and down your back.
After some time passed, you didn’t know how long, you were able to calm down enough to take some shaky breaths, hiding your red face in Bucky’s chest.
“When did this start happening again?” he asked softly
“I don’t know… few weeks at least, not really sure.”
He took a breath, trying to stay calm. A few weeks and he hadn’t suspected anything, and you were alone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You were on a mission, I couldn’t interrupt that.”
“Why didn’t you tell me when I got back?” he pressed gently.
“You were so tired Bucky - ”
“Y/n.” he said more firmly.
You paused for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t take those answers. If they were truly the reason then you would’ve told him the next day or the day after, as soon as the opportunity came. There was more to why you waited, and Bucky knew that.
“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” you whispered.
You heard Bucky sigh. He was angry with himself, for not being approachable to you. All he wanted was to make you feel safe enough to come to him, and to hear that you hadn’t because you thought he had expectations for you crushed him. “Y/n, I told you you could tell me about this. When have I ever been disappointed or angry with you?”
“You haven’t. You were just so proud and I - I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I didn’t want to tell you that you were proud of a lie.”
“Hey, hey look at me.” Hesitantly you looked up to meet his eyes. “None of this was you lying. You put in the hard work day after day, and I told you I was here to support you. But I never did the work for you. You did that. I’m proud of you and I always will be because you’re a fighter. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to slip up. It’s okay to need a little help too, and that’s what I’m here for. A slip up doesn’t erase all the hard work you’ve put in before. I’m proud of you for the progress you’ve made, and of the work you put in. This doesn’t change anything sweetheart.”
He pulled you back into his chest.
“I’ll always be proud of you.”
#Bucky Barnes#buckybarnes#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes x reader#bucky#bucky barns fanfiction#bucky barns imagine#bucky barns x you#MCU fanfiction#mcu imagine#mcu fic#MCU#marvel fanfic#marvel fanfiction#marvel#eating disorder comfort#tw eating disorder#tw
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You’re Stuck With Me Now
Prompt: He’d never leave you again.
A/N: is my return to writing (after a short break) oikawa? yes it is. honestly, i just love this boy so much and ive been rewatching haikyu and i can't... my heart.
ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY OIKAWA TOORU <3
Warnings: past implied abuse
Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x F!Reader Please don’t plagiarize my work!
“Come on, Y/N-Chan, it’ll be fun.”
With a quirked brow and look of disbelief up at your boyfriend, you roll your eyes. “You know I don’t really like parties, Tooru,” you mumble, taking a bite out of your lunch just as Oikawa lets out a whine of disappointment.
He’d already spent a majority of your lunch break, which the two of you were lucky to have together, begging you to come out tonight with him to Mattsun’s party. He’d spent the entire weeks�� lunches trying to convince you to come with him, to no avail everyday, and now, the day of; he was even more desperate for a yes.
“But it won’t be any fun without you.”
And his pout is almost convincing enough, eyes droopy at the edges with a certain puppy-dog look. The corner of his lips are flipped downwards, but he looks positively adorable (as he usually does - his group of fangirls aren’t for nothing). But, you’ve held restraint all week to this point, and by now, this really isn’t anything new.
“You say that every time, babe,” you counter, pointing your chopsticks at him with a quirked brow. “And every time I come with you, you end up leaving me to mingle off with Hajime.”
His shoulders slump.
“Is Hajime coming tonight?”
“...Yes.”
“Then,” you nod, satisfied, “you won’t be alone.”
“Bu-But!” He all but whines, and before you know it he’s suddenly sidled up behind you, arms curling around your waist firmly to press you flush against his chest. You let out a squeak in response, whining yourself when your delicious lunch is suddenly before you and tauntingly not within arms reach.
Oikawa is fast to pull your attention on him.
“He won’t be there till later!”
“So I’m just entertainment until he gets there?”
“Of course not!”
Oikawa looks positively betrayed at your assumption, and the look on his face is enough to have you giggling. Shifting in his grasp, you move so you’re facing him, brushing back a few strands of his unruly hair that no matter how hard you try is never ever neat, before meeting his eyes with a soft smile. “Honestly, Tooru,” you whisper gently, “why do you want me to go so bad? You usually don’t care this much.”
“Because,” he shrugs, “I like having you with me.”
And that, unfortunately, is the zinger.
His words all but melt your heart and with a heavy sigh, you realize there’s no possible way that you can say no when he goes ahead saying something so sweet like that.
“I’ll go.”
The way his eyes practically glow is enough to make you smile though.
“Really? Yes!”
However, now that you’re here, cramped in a house of drunk, loud teenagers, you’re suddenly wishing you’d had a bit more self restraint when it came to your boyfriend. As per usual, an hour into the party, Iwaizumi arrived and now even further convinced your boyfriend is more in love with his best friend then you -- you’re completely alone.
“’I’ll be right back’ my ass,” you mutter to yourself, taking a drink from the cup in your hands, instantly regretting it at the bitter taste that goes down your throat.
It wasn’t that you didn’t have any friends, you just weren’t entirely comfortable in social situations. It’s a wonder how you got along with Oikawa so well, but the two of you seemed to just mesh really well together. And of course, he’d been there for you in a time no one else had, and had helped fix you from the person who made you so nervous and skittish around others in the first place. It’s because of him that you’re even able to stand in a room so crowded, even if you’re not really socializing.
It would’ve been nice to have him to talk with, though. Iwaizumi too.
Pulling out your phone, you send a quick text to Oikawa, hoping that he’ll see it and at least drag you along for whatever Iwaizumi and him got up to in parties like these. It’s because of this that you don’t notice the shadow that falls next to you, not until a hand swipes your phone right out of your own and a voice you’d hoped you’d never hear again speaks;
“Oikawa Tooru, huh?”
Your heart practically drops.
“Figures you’d find someone in volleyball again, you did always love it.”
“H-Haru...”
He smirks down at you, and your lips part when he pockets your phone without a care in the world, his grip moving to your wrist where he tugs you towards himself. “Never thought I’d be able to find you again, Y/N, after you so abruptly moved schools. In your third year no less.”
You pull back on the grip he has on you, trying, to no avail, to get away. “What are you even doing here?”
“I play volleyball, remember?” He quirks a brow, speaking to you like you’re a child. “I know some of the boys here.”
How unlucky can I get...
Digging the heels of your feet down, you use all your strength to fight back the pull Haru tugs on your wrist. It’s clear he’s trying to get you to go somewhere with him, maybe even leave and that's the absolute last thing you can let happen. Haru still has such a pull over you, as much as you hate to admit it, and if you’re alone with him, there’s no telling what would happen.
And you’re terrified to find out.
“Let me go,” you hiss, “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“It seems you’ve forgotten your place, Y/N,” he growls down at you, grip turning bruising as you let out a cry in response, unable to stop yourself. “I’ll give you credit, it was brave of you to think you could get away from me, and finding you was hard. But now that I have you, I plan to remind you just exactly why you’re with me.”
Eyes widening, it suddenly feels like you can’t breathe.
“I mean, after all,” and his eyes gleam, turning dark, “you can’t live without me, remember?”
Your frozen state allows him to gain the control. Before you know it, you’re being dragged through the familiar halls of Mattsun’s house that feel like a blur and unfamiliar in your panic. You don’t even notice where you are, and barely hear when Haru suddenly announces “this’ll do” and then you’re being shoved into a room and the door is slammed behind you.
You fall to the ground with a loud cry, Haru shoving you.
When you turn to face him, staring up at him, he’s blocking the door, staring down at you expectedly.
“What are you waiting for?” He huffs, “take off your shirt.”
Hands shaking, you push yourself up into a sitting position with shaky muscles, not trusting yourself to stand in that moment as you stare up at him. Everything had moved so fast, and your heart feels as if it’ll break when you realize despite how much better you thought you’d been getting -- none of it meant a damn thing when faced with Haru himself.
You were scared, terrified, and it felt like back then all again. You had no control. You had no strength.
A harsh kick in the stomach has you doubling over, and clutching your sides, Haru crouches down before. “No one’s coming to save you, Y/N. Not even your boyfriend,” he taunts, smirking at you. “I’m pretty sure I saw the infamous Captain shoving his tongue down another girls throat.”
Eyes widening, you stare at your lap. “No,” you mumble, voice breathless, croaky. “Tooru wouldn’t--”
“It’s true. He’s not here, is he?”
Swallowing thickly, you meet Haru’s gaze.
“So, see, at the end of it all, all you have is me, right?”
And you hate the way his hand against your cheek feels like comfort compared to all the pain.
Shaky fingers reach for the hem of your shirt, just as the door slams open.
It’s Iwaizumi.
His eyes widen at the sight of you, flickering to Haru before focusing back on you. “Oikawa!” He calls, voice booming, tone dark, and it’s then you see how angry he looks. “I found her!”
In the next second, Oikawa is bursting pass Iwaizumi. He stills at the sight of you, tear-stricken, face pale, eyes wide with fear, and then Haru, crouched before you, look positively smug about the entire situation. And there’s a moment of pause where nothing happens, and Haru moves to stand, lips parting; “sorry, but it looks like Y/N--”
But he never gets to finish before Oikawa’s punching him straight across the cheek so hard he falls to the ground with a loud thud.
In the next second, he’s in front of you.
“Shit, Y/N. I’m so sorry,” and you don’t miss the way your name lacks ‘chan’, meaning Oikawa’s serious. “I didn’t mean to leave that long. Fuck. Are you okay? Where did he hurt you? Show me, and I’ll--”
But your hand is grabbing his own frantic ones and when Oikawa meets your gaze, he’s shocked at the soft smile on your lips.
“Y/N-Chan?”
“You came,” you whisper, voice soft with astonishment and adoration. “You came for me.”
And, shoulders easing, Oikawa nods.
“Of course I did.”
Squeezing his hand, to the point Oikawa is blinking in response, lips parting in worry. You stare into his eyes, imploring; “please don’t leave me like that again.”
And guilt settles deep within his chest, hating himself for what happened, blaming himself for it as well. But he knows that’s not what you mean, nor what you think; you just want a guarantee he’s there for you. And if there’s one thing Oikawa can promise, it’s that.
“You’re stuck with me now, yeah?”
He grins, trying to make you smile, make you laugh and everything ease when he succeeds, that giggle of yours he loves filling the silence of the room.
“I’m good with that.”
#Haikyuu#Haikyuu imagine#Haikyuu x reader#Haikyu#Haikyu imagine#Oikawa Tooru#Oikawa Tooru imagine#Oikawa Tooru x reader#Oikawa Tooru angst#Oikawa imagine#Oikawa x reader#imagine#imagines#my fics
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THINGS NEVER GO AS PLANNED (Part V/VII)
"the perfect excuse"
Summary: After Fred's death, George and Y/n lean on each other to carry on. This wasn't the most brilliant idea, though; George was pretty much in love with the girl, and Y/n— well, she had been dating Fred prior to the Battle of Hogwarts.
Pairing: George Weasley x Reader
Genre: angst mostly
Tags:
Suggested by: @crispykittywitch
Things never go as planned: @sarcasticallywitty15 @beautyschoo1dropout @s1ut4georgeweasley @sunshineandshadowss @missmulti @weasleywh0r3s @andreaareynoso @georgeweasley19 @dianarte
Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog @amourtentiaa
Warnings: language, drinking, makeout getting spicy
A/N: idk what happened here, this was not planned I'm just horny ig??? Anyway have this part that was definitely not meant to unfold like this but hey, I'm not mad, so enjoy <3
Prologue: the aftermath
Part I: sleepless nights
Part II: candy floss
Part III: shock therapy
Part IV: wrong name
Part VI: the downfall
Part VII: apart
Epilogue: I still love you
Rogue-durin-16 masterlist
I checked myself in the mirror one last time before heading to the kitchen. There was no actual need of dressing up nicely, since we both would be spending New Year's Eve at the flat, but since Ginny, Ron, Harry and Hermione were coming, we decided to clean up for our guests.
"Hmm, smells good." I leaned on the doorframe, observing George finishing cooking.
"These past five months' messes paid off." He joked, grabbing a kitchen rag to clean his hands. "Can you keep an eye on it while I go get read..." He trailed off automatically when his gaze landed on me. "Woah— okay." He cleared his throat, eyes slightly widened at my outfit, and I couldn't help but enjoy a bit too much his attention. "You look really good— is that the new blouse?"
"Yup." I replied, a coy smile dancing on my lips as I stepped to him and picked the kitchen rag myself. "C'mon, go clean up nice for our guests."
It only took him a couple of minutes, since he might have had his suit ready.
"Mind lending a hand with the tie, love?" He requested, stepping into the kitchen with his attention on the shirt's cuffs which he was buttoning up.
Damn, he looked so good; it wasn't even fair.
"Y/n?" He chuckled, finally looking up.
"Uh— yeah! Sure." I threw the rag over the counter and led my hands to the tie, taking my time to make the knot; maybe I wanted an excuse to have my hands on him.
We stayed in silence until I was finished; it wasn't an awkward silence, but it wasn't comfortable either— it was, in fact, stifling.
"There you go." I more like whispered instead of talking, sliding my hands down his chest briefly. His eyebrows were knitted, trying to decipher my demeanor; his hands caught one of mines before they fell limply on my sides, and for a second, I thought he was about to do something really stupid —something I had wanted to do for the last three months—, but then the bell rang and we stepped away from each other, going to receive Ron and Hermione as if that moment hadn't happened at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
GINNY'S P. O. V.
I took a sip of my brandy as we laughed at Ron's joke, my eyes drifting to Hermione and then to Y/n's lap, where Teddy rested, giggling and blabbering nonsense at George's hand movements and funny faces.
George had confided me quite ashamed that he fancied Y/n about two years ago, but I knew the looks he gave her were of something more than a little crush, if you may.
Had I not known Y/n, I would be worried she was projecting Fred onto the younger twin, but the girl knew better than that, so when we got to experience how their domestic life unfolded during New Year's Eve, I felt nothing but happiness at the way Y/n laughed at my brother's jokes, or how she stared at him in pure adoration as he played with Tonks's and Lupin's baby.
"You're getting him waaay too exited, mate." Harry chuckled, extending his arms for Y/n to hand him the toddler. "He needs to go to sleep."
Teddy, who we had put to sleep in Y/n's room shortly after dinner, had woken up right before the New Year came to us, and, since he refused to go back to sleep, Y/n took on the task of entertaining him. George joined as soon as he witnessed Teddy's hair going rainbow-like at Y/n's actions.
"Actually, I think we all need to go to sleep." I said, leaving the glass on the table.
"Boo, you're supposed to be the youngest!" Y/n whined, earning a laughter from the rest.
"Ginny's right, though." Ron stood up and all of us followed his lead. "It's really late and I don't want mum to see us drunk when she wakes up."
"Not a good impression to make on your future mother-in-law, oi, Granger?" George's tease made Hermione's cheeks flush, murmuring an 'idiot' before giving him a hug. "Take care, all of you." He added after he and Y/n had hugged everyone goodbye.
The five of us exited the flat and apparated in the Burrow's yard in silence until Harry asked, "are they together now?"
"We don't know." I confessed with a grimace.
"Well, together or not, they're definitely fucking."
"Ronald!" Hermione exclaimed, slapping her boyfriend's arm.
"I just said what everyone else's thinking." He defended himself, and none of us could deny it.
READER'S P. O. V.
We began to pick up the dirty plates, glasses and cutlery in order to take them to the sink and leave them there to wash them tomorrow.
"Oi, look what I found." George wiggled a firewhiskey bottle at me from the living room.
Without thinking twice, I grabbed the half empty ice cream tub I had just left over the counter, a couple of clean glasses, and I made my way to George.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"—and that was only in our... Third- no- fourth! year?" He finished the story, joining me in the giggling; I didn't doubt the story was funny, but I was sure it seemed ten times funnier because of the alcohol. "Wait- where were you back then?" He knitted his brows in confusion.
"A year below you." I laughed.
He snorted. "Below me," he took a look at his empty glass before reaching for the bottle with a laugh "hell, I wish."
I couldn't help but laugh too. "Sure you do." I wouldn't have laughed if I were sober, but then again I highly doubted he would have said that if he were sober. "Y'know- you can have me below you anytime you want, Georgie." I replied between lazy giggles, leaning on him so he would pour more firewhiskey into my glass too.
A loud snort left George, triggering one of my own. "Sure, darling." He loosened his tie and tossed it to the floor. "Why's it so hot in here?"
"Mmm... Must be 'cause of you." I threw my head back to stare at the ceiling. "Or... maybe's just the alcohol." I groaned at the feeling of my head spinning, and sat upright again to chunk the now full glass in one go. "I'm hot too."
"Oh darling... You can't even imagine how much— I mean... Every day— but tonight you look partic... particular...ly? Dashing." George was leaning back against the armchair's feet, his eyes closed, his cheeks flushed and an amused smile dancing on his lips. "Why must you be so bloody perfect?" I found myself staring a bit too much at the ginger. "There's still a conscious part of my brain that knows I shouldn't be saying this shit." An idle chuckle left his chest and one of his eyes peeked open. "I'm gonna blame the alcohol, aight?"
Right, the alcohol —The perfect excuse.
I laid my glass on the floor and got up, stumbling towards him. "Oi, careful— you don't wanna trip and fall." He laughed, steadying me with his hands as I plopped down on my knees besides him. "We won't make it to St. Mungo—" With one hand on his shoulder and one on his cheek, I went for it, cutting him mid-sentece in the process.
It was one hell of a sloppy kiss, and I was so concentrated on doing it right that I didn't even hear the moan I sent into his mouth.
What the hell are you doing?, My mind screamed.
I attempted to pull away, but I felt George's hands on my sides, clutching my clothes in his fists to tug me flush against him. I took the cue and did my best to climb onto his lap and straddle his legs without losing balance.
What we were doing felt terribly wrong, and, the morning after, we would regret this little slip so much, but in that exact moment I could only think that his lips tasted like fire whiskey, strawberry and chocolate, and that the quiet moans slipping through them between the kisses were loud enough to quiet down everything in my head.
I stopped to take a breath, resting my forehead against his; our eyes locked, pupils blown out.
Heavy pants left our lungs, as if we had just run a marathon. It felt like the kiss had made a bomb go off, one that we had unconsciously been building up those past months.
It took an instant of looking at each other to know we thought the same; we wouldn't get this opportunity ever again, so at that point, we might as well carry on and pray for it not to be too bad in the morning.
This time it was George who smashed his lips against mines, teeth clashing and tongues going in each other's mouths. The situation was escalating quick; a tad too quick, I daresay.
He cursed and mumbled something about too many clothes, proceeding to pull his shirt over his head with my help, given that he could only do so much with that amount of alcohol in his sistem.
I could do even less, though. It was proven when I first attempted to get rid of my blouse.
I struggled to unbutton it, an awkward, dizzy silence falling among us before his hands travelled to mines "Wait... Lemme..." He frowned, finding that simple task as frustratingly difficult as I did. "Bloody..." A browned off grunt left his swollen lips.
"Tear it." I mumbled, letting my hands roam over his chest.
"You sure?"
I hummed, somehow impatient. "We'll fix it tomorrow." I captured his lips once more.
We'd fix it tomorrow.
I felt his hands fisting my shirt by the cleavage before giving it a firm tug, making my gasp; I wasn't expecting all the buttons to come off in one go, given his drunken state.
I didn't even have time to discard the piece of clothing before his lips attacked my neck, shutting my brain off instantly due to the sensation.
"You want this?" He whispered in my ear, his hands going up from my thighs to my back until they reached the clasp of my bra.
Not trusting my voice, I nodded vigorously, making the world shake around me so hard that I had to shut my eyes.
I felt a feather kiss on my shoulder and his fingers unfastening the bra; he was doing his best to be smooth, which wasn't a lot, but I could tell he was trying hard.
"You're so sweet." I blurted out as his fingertips ghosted over my skin while he removed the top from my body.
He tried to reply something, but articulating kept getting harder and harder as we went deeper into it, so he gave up on words and so did I; at least until his fingers slid between my legs and started to tease me through the fabric of my remaining clothes.
"Bed." I whimpered, unconsciously rocking my hips against George's hand whilst my own travelled to his crotch, feeling his erection and consequently earning a moan from him.
"D'you think we'll make it?" He inquired, already retreating his hand briefly so we could stand up.
Soon enough we were stumbling to my room, hands all over each other, bumping against the furniture and walls due to not being able to stand upright.
When we fell on the bed and tossed the rest of our clothes to the floor, it began to dawn on me how bad this was going to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
GEORGE'S P. O. V.
My head was pounding violently in my skull; that's most likely the reason why I woke up. It took a moment for the blurry memories of the previous night to flash into my mind.
"You feel... so good..."
"Fuck- George— faster, please..."
"Y/n— I'm-"
"No." I shoot up, not acknowledging that Y/n was still asleep by my side. "Fuck no. Nononono." I ignored the terrible headache caused by the hungover and, grabbing my clothes, I exited the room. "No fucking way." I kept mumbling to myself, stalking to my dorm to throw on some fresh clothes.
I sat on my bed, my hands running through my locks, bringing back the memories of Y/n's tugs on them in the process.
"What the fuck did I do." I almost choked on the sentence.
#harry potter fanfiction#george wealsey x reader#george wealsey imagine#george weasley#george weasley x reader#george weasley x y/n#george weasley x ravenclaw!reader#george weasley x hufflepuff!reader#george weasley x slytherin!reader#george weasley x you#george weasley x gryffindor!reader#george weasley x reader angst#george weasley smut#george weasley series#george x reader#george x reader fluff#george weasley fic#George x reader smut#George weasley lemon#george weasley fanfic#fred weasley x reader
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What do you think of Robert? What are your opinions on him, do you think that if the war never happened that he'd still go down this self destructive path?
I think Robert was fundamentally not made to be a king - He has the charisma and the looks and is an able warrior, but his negative character traits are indulged and enhanced by his position and led him down an almost unavoidable path.
Robert is someone who above all wants to enjoy and live an easy life:
"You need to come south," Robert told him. "You need a taste of summer before it flees. [...] Flowers everywhere, the markets bursting with food, the summerwines so cheap and so good that you can get drunk just breathing the air. Everyone is fat and drunk and rich." He laughed and slapped his own ample stomach a thump. "And the girls, Ned!" he exclaimed, his eyes sparkling. "I swear, women lose all modesty in the heat.[...]" The king laughed happily. Robert Baratheon had always been a man of huge appetites, a man who knew how to take his pleasures. - Eddard I, aGoT
"Robert wanted smiles and cheers, always, so he went where he found them, to his friends and his whores. Robert wanted to be loved." - Sansa IV, aCoK
He has just enough of a moral understanding to at least know when he is doing wrong and to even feel bad about it at times, but not enough to actually change anything about himself.
The rage was gone from him now; in his eyes Ned saw something sad and scared. "I should not have hit [Cersei]. That was not … that was not kingly." He stared down at his hands, as if he did not quite know what they were. - Eddard X, aGoT
Robert desires to have an easy life, he wants to be loved, he wants to have fun, but he does not want to deal with the hard and unpleasant things. In times of crisis, he wants to take the easy way out, and he prefers to avoid uncomfortable truths.
Lord Tywin stared at him as if he had lost his wits. "[...] When I laid those bodies before the throne, no man could doubt that we had forsaken House Targaryen forever. And Robert's relief was palpable. As stupid as he was, even he knew that Rhaegar's children had to die if his throne was ever to be secure. Yet he saw himself as a hero, and heroes do not kill children." - Tyrion VI, aSoS
"Well, now I know Jaime's dark sin, and the matter can be forgotten. I am heartily sick of secrets and squabbles and matters of state, Ned." - Eddard II, aGoT
"Most likely the king did not know," Littlefinger said. "It would not be the first time. Our good Robert is practiced at closing his eyes to things he would rather not see." - Eddard IV, aGoT
He feels most comfortable when he is surrounded by people who love him and know how to handle him/want the best for him, and steer him onto the right path in a way where he can still feel good about himself.
"These are difficult times. I need good men about me. Men like Jon Arryn. He served as Lord of the Eyrie, as Warden of the East, as the Hand of the King. He will not be easy to replace." - Eddard I, aGoT
In an environment that works against him, or goes against his wishes even if it is for the better, it creates a destructive energy in him. He cannot stand dissent to his wishes because it robs him of a pleasure he desires, and creates unwanted conflict. He also cannot handle constructive criticism because it makes him confront unpleasant truths - he always wants the easiest path with the least tension. If he is presented with a situation that strains his limits as there is no amiable solution to a difficult/disturbing problem, his reaction is a toxic one; turning to rage and violence even towards his own child.
Not for the first time, he wondered what he was doing here and why he had come. He was no Jon Arryn, to curb the wildness of his king and teach him wisdom. Robert would do what he pleased, as he always had, and nothing Ned could say or do would change that. - Eddard II, aGoT
He may act against what he knows is right, because it is the easiest route; like when he has the wolf Lady killed to please Cersei:
“A costly pelt,” Robert grumbled. “I want no part of this, woman. You can damn well buy your furs with Lannister gold.” [...] "We have a wolf," Cersei Lannister said. Her voice was very quiet, but her green eyes shone with triumph. It took them all a moment to comprehend her words, but when they did, the king shrugged irritably. "As you will. Have Ser Ilyn see to it." - “Robert, you cannot mean this,” Ned protested. The king was in no mood for more argument. “Enough, Ned, I will hear no more." - Eddard III, aGoT
"I am sorry for your girl, Ned. Truly. About the wolf, I mean. My son was lying, I'd stake my soul on it." - Eddard VII, aGoT
And when Ned reprimands him about Daenerys he will not hear dissent, even though he knows deep down that it is wrong:
He gave the king a long cool look. “Would [the man who spared Barristan] were here today.” Robert had shame enough to blush. “It was not the same,” he complained. “Ser Barristan was a knight of the Kingsguard.” - “Whereas Daenerys is a fourteen-year-old girl.”
[...] “Not another word. Have you forgotten who is king here?” - “No, Your Grace,” Ned replied. “Have you?” - “Enough!” the king bellowed. “I am sick of talk. I’ll be done with this, or be damned."
[...] “I will not be part of murder, Robert. Do as you will, but do not ask me to fix my seal to it.” For a moment Robert did not seem to understand what Ned was saying. Defiance was not a dish he tasted often. Slowly his face changed as comprehension came. [...] “You are the King’s Hand, Lord Stark. You will do as I command you, or I’ll find me a Hand who will.” - “I wish him every success.” Ned [...] laid [his badge of office] on the table in front of the king, saddened by the memory of the man who had pinned it on him, the friend he had loved. “I thought you a better man than this, Robert. I thought we had made a nobler king.” Robert’s face was purple. “Out,” he croaked, choking on his rage. “[...] Go, run back to Winterfell. And make certain I never look on your face again, or I swear, I’ll have your head on a spike!” - Eddard VIII, aGoT
“Gods have mercy,” he muttered, swallowing his agony. “The girl. Daenerys. Only a child, you were right . . . that’s why, the girl . . . the gods sent the boar . . . sent to punish me . . .” - Eddard XIII, aGoT
Robert is a man who always wants it easy, he wants his demands to always be fulfilled, to be loved and have fun without dealing with the bad things; but an important theme that is repeated over and over in asoiaf is that you can only act good if you are willing to face the bad that may come with it, and if you cannot live with the consequences, your action might not be justified.*
Bran thought about it. "Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" - "That is the only time a man can be brave." - Bran I, aGoT
"Sacrifice . . . is never easy, Davos. Or it is no true sacrifice." - Davos VI, aSoS
"The blood of the First Men still flows in the veins of the Starks, and we hold to the belief that the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die." - Bran I, aGoT
Ned stood, gently disengaging himself from Sansa's grasp. All the weariness of the past four days had returned to him. "Do it yourself then, Robert," he said in a voice cold and sharp as steel. "At least have the courage to do it yourself." - Robert looked at Ned with flat, dead eyes and left without a word, his footsteps heavy as lead. Silence filled the hall. - Eddard III, aGoT
This is why putting him on the throne was poison - all the power in the world, and noone who would dare go against his wishes. It indulges all of Robert's worst traits, and buries anything he had inside him that was salvageable.
Ser Barristan Selmy spoke up. "Your Grace," he said, "it is not seemly that the king should ride into the melee. It would not be a fair contest. Who would dare strike you?" - "Ser Barristan is right. There's not a man in the Seven Kingdoms who would dare risk your displeasure by hurting you." - Eddard VII, aGoT
I am surrounded by flatterers and fools, the king had insisted. Ned looked down the council table and wondered which were the flatterers and which the fools. He thought he knew already. - Eddard IV, aGoT
And Robert knows it - he knows being a king isn't for him, that he doesn't enjoy the actual work that goes into governing, that he doesn't have the personality for such politics or to deal with the people involved, and that he would much rather spend his time enjoying life and doing what he loves...
"Look at what kinging has done to me. Gods, too fat for my armor, how did it ever come to this? [...] I swear to you, I was never so alive as when I was winning this throne, or so dead as now that I’ve won it." - Eddard VII, aGoT
"I swear to you, sitting a throne is a thousand times harder than winning one. Laws are a tedious business and counting coppers is worse. And the people … there is no end of them. I sit on that damnable iron chair and listen to them complain until my mind is numb and my ass is raw. They all want something, money or land or justice. The lies they tell … and my lords and ladies are no better. I am surrounded by flatterers and fools. It can drive a man to madness, Ned. Half of them don't dare tell me the truth, and the other half can't find it. There are nights I wish we had lost at the Trident. Ah, no, not truly, but …" - Eddard I, aGoT
Robert groaned with good-humored impatience. "If I wanted to honor you, I'd let you retire. I am planning to make you run the kingdom and fight the wars while I eat and drink and wench myself into an early grave." - Eddard I, aGoT
"Let me tell you a secret, Ned. More than once, I have dreamed of giving up the crown. Take ship for the Free Cities with my horse and my hammer, spend my time warring and whoring, that's what I was made for. The sellsword king, how the singers would love me." - Eddard VII, aGoT
And yet he doesn't do anything about it and keeps staying at the position he hates - he does not want to deal with the uncomfortable consequences that would come with upsetting the status quo, or making changes to his own personality and going through growth, or confronting ugly truths about himself in a productive way, etc etc.
He does make a talk of changes at times during aGoT, and seems to have a sense of responsibility about his Job, but as it is his desire for changes came too late, and what responsibility he felt mostly served to paralyze him in place.
"The sellsword king, how the singers would love me. You know what stops me? The thought of Joffrey on the throne, with Cersei standing behind him whispering in his ear. My son. How could I have made a son like that, Ned?" - Eddard VII, aGoT
"I'm still young, and now that you're here with me, things will be different. We'll make this a reign to sing of, and damn the Lannisters to seven hells." - Eddard VII, aGoT
In a way Joffrey is to Robert what Ramsay is to Roose: an exploration of the inherent flaw in their way of life, demonstrated in the most extreme case. In Joffrey's case, it shows what happens to give someone unlimited power with noone daring to oppose them.
Do you think that if the war never happened that he'd still go down this self destructive path?
It's a little unclear which war you mean, so I will briefly touch on several points:
There could have been ideal circumstances where he might have worked out as a king, if he was surrounded by people who know the perfect way to deal with him and make him work past his flaws (intuitively doing the work of a modern therapist), but the average life is not ideal and grrm shows the realistic fate of a man like Robert.
I think by the time Ned arrived it was sadly too late to change - maybe if the Lannisters didn't exist, or this or that event hadn't happened, but Grrm shows that most of what lead to Robert's downfall was in the end caused by himself. Cersei kills him because she came to despise the man he was, and for good reason as he abused her during all her marriage - and while he has some scenes of feeling bad or even apologizing for it, he never made any attempts to actually change the terrible way he was treating her.
If Robert's Rebellion never happened, he would have probably made an able enough Lord of Storm's End; delegating his "boring" administrative duties to his advisors and maester, enjoying the privileges of highborn life, and having just enough responsibility to feel like the alpha male of his society yet not enough to do as lasting damage as he did for the throne. He would not have been the best Lord, but sadly there are many worse in Westeros, since the entire dynastic ruling system is inherently flawed. If he would have been a better person depends on who he is surrounded with, if circumstances would have motivated him to change, or if perhaps his position of power and outward influences would still just have indulged him into the man he was in aGoT. Ultimately, there are a lot of butterfly effects leading to different results that i’m sure have been explored in many fics.
"Love is sweet, dearest Ned, but it cannot change a man's nature." - Eddard IX, aGoT
This was the boy he had grown up with, he thought; this was the Robert Baratheon he'd known and loved. If he could prove that the Lannisters were behind the attack on Bran, prove that they had murdered Jon Arryn, this man would listen. Then Cersei would fall, and the Kingslayer with her, and if Lord Tywin dared to rouse the west, Robert would smash him as he had smashed Rhaegar Targaryen on the Trident. He could see it all so clearly. - Eddard VII, aGoT
What do you think of Robert?
Since i am someone who frequently enjoys morally grey and villainous characters, despite his many negative traits i have a fondness of Robert; I think he is an interesting character and very human in his flaws, and there is a lot of melancholy to his story that makes me somber about him even if it obviously does not excuse his bad actions. I also think he has a great character design that's fun to draw and some fun boisterous scenes, and some of his positive qualities remind me of people i know.
*Stannis is an interesting character as Robert’s brother, as he is the opposite to him in this regard, as well as in many aspects of their personality and even their outward presentation (like how Stannis crops his beard short to contrast Robert’s wild one)
#asoiaf#robert baratheon#asoiaf meta#my posts#asks#anonymous#of course this is not an extensive analysis and there are more facettes to his character#these are the ones i focused on for this ask as they came to my mind when i reread his scenes#he kinda reminds me of roose in places lol might be why it inspired me to analyze him#Anonymous
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"you're the reason i'm still here" for recurrence!au? cancer is making my brain go brrrrrr too
Still Here | Recurrence
Cancer!AU; it’s never easy but love can ease the burden just a bit
Prompt: you’re the reason I’m still here
Word count: 1824
CW: cancer, medical talk, death mention
***
Chemo is always made out to be yet another evil in the web of pain that is cancer. Ava supposed that made sense, since being pumped full of chemicals designed to rip apart every cell wasn’t exactly comfortable. Still, it beat a lot of the other aspects of being a cancer patient. She could take the nausea and the hair loss, as much as it still shocked her after all this time. She could handle the chemo because she knew it was her best shot, even though her body had never really been the same after her treatments decades before.
Chemo was better than coughing up blood and passing out in the scrub room. That had been a mortifying experience, when she had tried to go back to work a couple days after her rediagnosis. She had an oncologist appointment scheduled that day and there was no way in hell Ava was about to sit around and mope any longer. She still had patients and surgeries to attend to; being a cancer patient could wait a few hours.
She regretted that decision when she had an episode after a 5 hour surgery, barely missing the edge of the sink on her way down. A head injury would have been the cherry on top of that horrible day, though the CT and endoscopy that followed her accident was almost as bad. Somehow it made it worse that Connor didn’t tease her about it, instead he had been hovering by her side throughout all of the tests and making sure she was alright. Maybe it was a little sweet that he clearly cared, yet Ava kind of hated it all the same. Connor acting like this meant he was treating her differently, usually he didn’t hesitate to bully her and expect a snide remark in return. That was the part of cancer that was more unbearable than any chemical soup infusion or oncologic emergency; the knowledge that everyone saw her as broken.
So even though it burned as it trickled into her veins and left a strangely metallic taste in Ava’s mouth, the chemo was the least painful thing that had happened that week. She was settled in one of the purple chairs, a fuzzy blanket with South African flag motifs tucked around her legs. The infusion room was always a bit on the cold side, no matter what hospital it was in, and so she came prepared. It was a fleeting comfort, the soft fabric not helping much as she felt a chill that settled into her bones. Nothing could quell that, no amount of comfy items or get well soon messages; it was just how one felt when they were on death’s door for the billionth time in their life.
Ava wasn’t the only one in the room but it was still silent, save for the mechanical buzz of the IV equipment doing its job. She didn’t know any of the other patients, save for one man with an inoperable cardiac tumour she remembered consulting on. That was a bit awkward, though she wasn’t quite sure if the old man even recognized her. She barely recognized herself that day, makeupless and her hair partially hidden under a silk scarf her sister had given her years before. Her hair was still intact, she was just preparing herself for the inevitable. Maybe she would cut it super short or dye it before it all fell out; that could be fun.
It was times like this where Ava didn’t feel like a person, let alone a surgeon. Maybe that was better in that situation anyway, the last thing she wanted was any patient to think she wasn’t giving her 110% in all of their surgeries. She had never let cancer stop her in the past so she sure as hell wouldn’t let it now.
She had been trying to read a book that Sam had recommended, a cozy novel about a surgeon’s life that actually turned out to be pretty accurate. Ava had given up on that pretty quickly though, chemo brain ruining any chance of her understanding the plot. It was only her second infusion out of the 14 cycles her oncologist planned with her, which was a tad frustrating. If she was already having trouble quelling the chemotherapy side effects, Ava worried she might not be able to work through her treatments. That was the worst case scenario, though, and she was already stubbornly refusing to take any extra time off.
Slumping back in the chair, Ava’s head hit the headrest a bit too hard. She stifled a groan, the action not having helped her pounding headache. The sounds of the room were starting to become too much, probably due to the stress already on her body and mind.
“Want some company?”
Ava lifted her head at the question, smiling weakly, “Hey, don’t you have rounds?”
“I’m taking a break to do a private consult,” Sarah answered as she tugged one of the rolling chairs over, “Perhaps my favourite cancer patient, I need to check on her mental status of course.”
“Sarah…” While her girlfriend’s playful smile made Ava feel a bit giddy, she could see there was true worry in her words. The psych resident was prone to worrying, especially when her girlfriend was actively in a chemo cycle. She had done far too much journal reading, Ava would tell her countless times, the mental effects of cancer care were nothing in comparison to her physical pain.
“It’s my job to worry,” the slight tremor of her hand prompted Sarah to take it in both of hers, “Especially since you insist upon working through treatments.”
“I’m not going to let my rare recurrence of cancer endanger my patients’ lives.”
Sarah’s incredulous look almost made her laugh, “That’s single handedly the stupidest and most selfless thing you’ve said.”
“I’m nothing without surgery, Sarah.”
“Ava, don’t be like that. You need to take care of yourself, with or without your job. You can’t help your patients if you’re dead.”
Shaking her head, Ava shifted a bit in her seat, “Does pumping my body full of cytotoxic drugs really count as taking care of myself?”
“If it’ll shrink the tumours? Yes, actually.”
“Babe, I’m doing the chemo,” she reminded Sarah by gesturing to the bright red liquid slowly dripping through her IV, “Full of Doxorubicin. They’re doing a VDC/IE cycle, fourteen weeks of this will either kill the cancer or me in the process.”
“Don’t…”
“Sarah, I’m just teasing. I’ll be fine, this is going to shrink the mets enough for Connor to remove them, okay?”
“Well you need to be cooperative then,” she reminded her girlfriend sternly, “No complaints, if your oncologist wants you to take time off work you will.”
“That’s unfair. They’re already talking about putting a port in, the last thing I want is to have a tube in my subclavian again. Are you going to make me stay home and be a vegetable in bed too?”
The way Sarah sighed made Ava realize she was pushing the boundaries a bit too far. She had long since gotten used to the pain and uncertainty that came along with cancer, so Ava had no qualms about joking around or acting like it wasn’t all that bad. It was bad, of course, but she had spent far too long moping about her health history and this time she wouldn’t let it set her backwards.
Sarah, however, was unsure about the whole thing. This wasn’t like when she was seven and her great grandmother she didn’t remember well died because of stomach cancer. This was a person she knew and loved so much, they were both adults and she only ever saw a future with Ava, so it was more than terrifying. She knew Ava was used to this but she also wanted everything to go 100% right, Sarah feared that her girlfriend’s work-oriented views would impact how successful her treatments were. Besides, once the chemo side effects hit Ava would be begging for a few days off if she wasn’t already bedriddden; they both knew that.
“I’m sorry,” Ava did her best to hide the flinch that was triggered by a tugging on her IV, the cannula moving uncomfortably in her arm. She had reached for Sarah but her girlfriend had scooted just far enough away, looking at her with a worried expression. She had a right to be upset, of course, but Ava didn’t want to make things any harder on them for the long term.
“Seriously, love,” she continued with a tiny pout playing on her lips, “I will behave.”
“Promise?”
“Mhm, just for you.”
“You’re a pest,” Sarah’s reply was lighthearted despite her words, and she didn’t protest when Ava’s free hand hooked into the arm of her chair, tugging her closer again. She knew this was just the way her girlfriend coped and really it made sense. After so long all she ever wanted to do was do surgery and then spend her off time with her love, so Sarah was aware how much this changed things for them both.
“You’re the reason I’m still here, Sarah Reese,” Ava admitted quietly, her gaze trained on the way her hands fiddled with the edge of Ava’s blanket. She was quick to stop the worrying of the fabric, lacing Sarah’s fingers with her own instead.
“Don’t get all mushy and existential on me, Ava Bekker,” she retorted, “It’s far too early on for that.”
“Hey, you’re my rock; not just in the cancer stuff but also in general. I don’t think I’d be here, in Chicago or anywhere for that matter, if I hadn’t met you.”
“It would be very unprofessional of me to kiss you right now,” Sarah’s cheeks were a little pink, staring at her girlfriend with a bittersweet mixture of love and pain. Ava just laughed in an attempt to lighten the mood, pressing a kiss to the back of Sarah’s hand as a compromise.
“Go catch up with Doctor Charles for rounds, Darling,” she said softly, “I’ll see you later.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I have another hour or so of this,” she gestured to the IV pole holding her hostage in the harshly lit room, “And you have work. I’ll catch up with you once I’ve changed, I don’t have a surgery scheduled until four pm.”
“Okay… Ava don’t push yourself. Call me if you feel even a little unwell, okay? I mean it.”
“I will, Sarah.”
“You better,” she stood from the chair, accidentally sending it sliding backwards a bit with the momentum, “I love you.”
“And I you,” Ava smiled because even if Sarah’s presence didn’t take her pain away she certainly made it a bit more bearable. She gave her hand one gentle squeeze and let go, “I love you, Sarah.”
#gay rights babey#ava bekker#chicago med#sarah reese#reesker#my aus#recurrence#cancer!au#cj add this to your fic masterpost#mutuals#graye tag#crockettstiddies#purple-dahlias
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A normal smut, until Y/n starts crying after sex. OR she has zero experience but reads a lot of stuff and tries to replicate it. A little clumsy but Harry takes care of her and teaches her
Take It Slow
Based Off Of This Ask
A/N: I love the idea of firsts between Harry and Y/n so I’m thinking about doing ‘A Series of Firsts’ and writing a short ‘series’ of blurbs about first times between Harry and Y/n. I just think they’re so hot and cute at the same time🥰🥰. Anyways, Enjoy 🙃
When it came to sexual situations with Harry, you were a little bit intimidated and nervous. You knew for a fact that he had far more experience when it came to sex than you did. Even though he told you that he’d go at your pace, you still wanted him to be satisfied. So you did a little research. Your search went from how to give a good blowjob to the best sex positions. You thought that by reading up on some things, it would prepare you for when the time came for you to actually do it. That brings you to where you were now. You were in the midst of a heavy make out session with Harry when you decided to propose what you wanted to do with Harry.
You pull away from his lips and the both of you are slightly out of breath.
“You have the prettiest and softest lips.” He admires, before bringing his hand up to your face, smoothing his thumb across your lips. He cups your cheek before leaning in to press a final kiss to your lips.
“I wanna suck your cock.” You blurt out. When Harry processed what you said, he was very glad that you were sitting against his thighs. Because not only did his eyes go wide, but his cock twitched in his pants too.
“You want t-. Y’want to suck m’cock?” Harry stammers.
“Yeah. Only if you want to though.” You rush out the last part. His reaction made you want to curl up in a ball and hide. What if he didn’t want to do anything besides make out with you?
“Of course I want to kitten, I just wanna make sure that you want to. If you don’t then that completely fine with me.” Harry reassures. Normally Harry wouldn’t turn down a blowie. But with you he didn’t want to rush things. He knew you didn’t have a lot of sexual experience and he didn’t want to scare you off when it came to sex. You meant a lot to him and the last thing he wanted was for sex to drive a wedge between you two.
“I really want to do this. I think I may need a little help though.” You whisper.
“Don’t worry, I’ll guide you through it all.” He gives you a soft smile before gliding a finger across your cheek. You get off of his lap and you get on your knees in front of him. He spreads his legs for you and you crawl between them. You rest back on your calves. When Harry looks down at you, he couldn’t help but curse under his breath. “You just look so pretty on your knees.” He explains to you. While you were insecure about not having any sexual experience, Harry couldn’t get enough of how innocent you were. Just the thought of teaching you how to do things and being the only one you would do them to, got him really worked up. You look towards his lap, and from this angle you could see the large tent in his pants. You knew he was big, you just didn’t know how big he actually was. You then lean forward, reaching for the waistband of his joggers. You do this quietly, only mumbling a small thanks when Harry lifted his hips up from the couch. You were trying to remember the tips the article you read gave about giving a blowjob.
“Okay.” You breathe out. Seeing his cock like this was definitely intimidating. He was really big and you were starting to wonder if he could actually fit in your mouth or anywhere on your body for that matter.
“Just relax kitten, take your time and do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Im right here if you need help.” He reassures you, pushing back some hair that fell in your face.
“I need some help.” You look up at him.
“Thats fine baby.” He reaches his hand out towards yours which were resting on his knees and picks one up in his hand. “The first thing you do is wrap your hand around-“ he cuts himself off with a gasp when he feels your hand on him.
“Are you okay.” You lift yourself up slightly, wanting to make sure he was okay.
“M’fine, s’just your hand s’really soft and warm ‘round me.” Harry pants. You bite your lip when he says this. Hearing him react to your touch is giving your confidence a big boost. “Okay, now y’wanna move your hand up and down like this” he instructs. He keeps his hand on yours guiding your hand up and down his shaft. He lets go, and you continue to move your hand on him. Your movements weren’t the most coordinated, but you figured you were doing something right if he was moaning like this.
“Like this?” You ask him.
“Perfect.” Harry pants. Harry has never been this sensitive, but being with you sent his senses into overdrive. Seeing you on your knees with your significantly smaller, soft hand wrapped around his cock was unbelievable. Seeing how focused you were on making him feel good didn’t help either.
You decide to do a little more than what he showed you. You continue to slowly stroke him, but while you do that, you run the pad of your thumb against the head of his cock.
“Fuck Y/n” Harry grunts before dropping his head back against the couch.
“Can I do something else?” You whisper to him.
“Of course kitten.” Harry replies. You lean in even more and you open your mouth a little before wrapping your lips around the head of his cock. “Oh my- fuck Y/n” Harry yells out. His hands fly to his face, given that he didn’t know where to put them. He wanted to wrap his hands in your hair but he decided against it because he wasn’t quite sure whether or not you wanted him to. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, not scare you away and make you feel uncomfortable.
You continue to suckle on the thick head of his cock, keeping your hand wrapped around the rest of him. Just sucking on the head alone made your mouth full, so you could only imagine how full your mouth or pussy would be with the rest or all of his cock. Hearing the moans falling out of Harry’s mouth was not only boosting your confidence, but it was also making you a little wet. You decide to take a bit more of him into your mouth and you decide to try out one of the things you read online. You push your head all the way down, taking him deeper into your mouth. This was a big mistake though. As soon as you do this, you immediately gag around him. Harry is quickly snapped out of his blissful state when he sees you struggling below him. He quickly tugs on your hair for you to come off of him. When you do, you’re panting, trying to catch your breath.
“Baby, why did you do that?” He asks, you could hear the concern in his voice.
“I just wanted to make you feel good.” You sigh up at him.
“Kitten, you make me feel good all of the time. You made me feel so good when we were kissing a few minutes ago.” Harry leans down to stroke your cheek. “We can stop if you want, I don’t want you to push yourself when you’re not comfortable.”
“No, I wanna make you cum. Please?” You tell him.
“Okay sweet girl, just don’t push yourself” He reminds you before sitting back against the couch.
“Would I be sweeter if I had your cock in my mouth?” You bite your lip, giving him a soft and innocent look, before you wrap your hand back around his cock.
“Who knew an innocent girl like you had such a-“ before he can finish his thought, you push the head of him back into your mouth. “Bloody hell” his head instantly falls back when you take him back into your mouth.
Whenever you tightened around his shaft you could only think about how tight your walls are. He knew for a fact that you were extremely tight. His mind then wandered to how many of his fingers you could take inside of you or how much he’d stretch you out. He couldn’t fathom how good you’d feel wrapped around his cock.
You open your eyes, and you notice the hand that wasn’t gripping onto the couch cushion was digging into his thigh. So you use your free hand to move his hand from his thigh to your hair.
“Y’want me t’pull your hair kitten?” He pants. You look up at him and you nod, still keeping his cock in your mouth. When he tightens his grip on your hair, you let out a moan around him.
“Fuck, m’gonna cum” Harry sighs. You suck on him a little bit harder before pulling him out of your mouth completely. You tug your hand all the way up his shaft and back down, spreading your saliva to the rest of him. You fasten your hand around him, making sure to tighten your hand a little bit more. You wrap both hands around him, putting him back into your mouth and you swirl the tip of your tongue around the head. When you do this, you feel ropes of his cum begin to pour into your mouth. When he’s done, you pull off of him, and you make sure to swallow every last drop of his cum. “Oh my- did you swallow?” Harry is completely shocked at this.
“Yes, and before you say that I didn’t have to, I know I didn’t. I wanted to. It didn’t taste bad, so why not swallow.” You reply to him. You sponge a small peck to the head of his now sensitive cock and you help him pull up his boxers and sweats. You stand up from the carpeted floor snd you fall back into his lap. “Ive never been on my knees for that long before.” You were being completely honest, but you also wanted to get a little reaction out of Harry.
“Well thats good to know. But considering how fast you made me cum, I’d consider you to be a professional.”
“Well if you stick around, it’s only gonna get better.” You lean in and you press your lips onto his. You could feel Harry’s tongue pressing against your lips, so you part them for him, allowing him to explore your mouth. His tongue glides against yours and he could taste his cum in your mouth, which causes him to let out a low moan (because if he was being honest, it didn’t taste that bad) before pulling away from your lips.
“I think you know more than you’re letting on.” Harry says with a suspicious smirk.
“Maybe I do know a little something, but I’d much rather you teach me.” You smirk back at him.
“Oh I’ll teach you alright” Harry pulls you higher up on his lap, sitting you right on his hardening cock before slamming his lips back onto yours.
Even though you weren’t that experienced, you had nothing to worry about. You were confident that your lack of experience wasn’t going to come in between you and Harry. You were also confident that Harry was going to be a very excellent teacher. All you had to do was take it slow.
Masterlist
#Harry Styles#harry smut#harry styles smut#harry styles imagine#harry styles blurb#harry styles x reader#harry styles x you#harry styles x y/n#harry styles writing#harry styles fanfic#harry styles fic#harry styles fanfiction#concepts of h#my harry writing#harrywritingsbyme#A Series Of Firsts
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Hello!!! I love ur fics sm 😭💖 This is weirdly specific and been plaguing my mind for days,,, Can I req an angsty fic where Atsumu broke up with the reader because he wants to chase his dreams and ultimately leaves but with the reader saying "I'll wait" . A few months later he seeks for the reader again and finds out the reader has terminal illness and is dying. You can decide if there's major character death or a miracle,,,, please and thank u so much!!
𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐨𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐨 - 𝐚𝐭𝐬����𝐦𝐮 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫
aw thank youuuu <33 and also WOW this request is in-tense, i modified the ‘terminal illness’ part a little bit for plot convenience, but i rly hope you’re gonna like it ! i am : stressed. also, i’m a sucker for happy endings (just ignore my last bokuto fic) so i couldn’t go full angst on that one 😅
quick storytime : my great grandpa died from heartbreak and i always thought it was a beautiful (yet very sad) way to die, so i guess that’s where i got my inspiration from <3
⤷ atsumu x gn!reader | angst | word count : 1.7K
warnings : hospital environment, heart condition, mild description of ‘illness’ and mentions of death (a little)
your first kiss with miya atsumu had been sloppy, dizzy, with a strong scent of rum and smudged lip balm all over your lips. but there was no doubt that it had been the best kiss of your entire lives…
…just like your last had been the worst.
two months later, atsumu still couldn’t forget the salty taste of your lips that begged him not to leave. if he focused hard enough, he could even remember the feeling of your hands desperately clinging to his jacket in a last attempt at making him stay by your side.
but he didn’t, and as much as he hated himself for putting an end - even temporary - to what had been the most beautiful chapter of his life, he had never regretted his decision ; and he knew exactly why. you had promised to wait for him, and in pure egoism, he knew and hoped that you would. because no matter the distance, he was still madly in love with you.
which is why he did not understand why osamu was so outraged when he told him that he was finally ready to come back to you. but the younger twin knew things that his brother didn’t - he had seen you let yourself waste away, like nothing else mattered without the one you loved.
but more than that, atsumu did not know about the secret his brother promised to keep. he did not know that, two weeks ago, osamu had found you unconscious in your living room with an alarmingly slow heartbeat. the poor boy had not understood everything the doctors had told him - but whatever a cardiogenic shock was, he knew that it would have carried you off if without his intervention.
however, you had been categorical : atsumu shouldn’t not know about this, under any pretext. you refused to be a burden to the pursuit of his dreams for which he had already sacrificed so much for. but now that atsumu was back, something about this promise didn’t sit right with his brother. and so he decided to tell him everything.
« …most doctors thought about a standard heart attack » he told him after explaining the situation, on the lookout for any impulsive reaction from his brother. « … but one of them talked about something else. you might want to sit down ».
but atsumu couldn’t care less about his brother’s advice. actually, he didn’t care about anything else than you right now. it was already taking a lot of effort for him to stand there listening to samu instead of being on his way to the hospital - but he stayed. for an obscure reason that he didn’t really understand, he stayed.
« did you know that people can die of heartbreak ? » osamu asked, more serious than he had ever been in his whole life.
the blonde twin felt like the ground had suddenly swallowed him whole - although his brother was trying his best not to sound too accusating, it was more than obvious that whatever situation you were in was because of him. and only him.
« no they can’t » he tried to protest, not even believing in his own words. panic was beginning to win him over - and in a matter of seconds, he lost all his composure « WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT MOVING ? LET’S GO ! » he shouted, already opening the front door. at that moment, one question burned his lips, but he knew he would never have the guts to ask it out loud.
‘did i kill them ?’
——
the steady beeps of all the machines around you were the only thing disrupting the deafening silence of your hospital room. you were sick of spending your days alone. but you had no right to complain, osamu had offered to come and see you after work every day, but you had politely refused. well, politely was a big word… your body was so exhausted that you had trouble articulating simple phrases, and therefore exclusively communicated through nods or hand gestures.
your phone had been confiscated and the doctors kept you away from the news - or at least from the negative news, because they knew that your heart might give out at the tiniest emotional distress.
which is why you were so surprised to hear a knock on your door at about 3pm, outside of the nurses’ shift hours. knowing that you were too weak to talk, osamu let himself in, slowly closing the door behind him before coming closer to your bed.
« how are you doing ? » he asked, resting his hands on the other end of the bed. you shrugged, pointing at the IV and all the monitoring surrounding you. as long as these machines were there, it was hard to feel better than just ok. « listen, um… someone is here for you. the doctors said i could bring him in, but i wanted your authorization first… » he started before clearing his throat. « atsumu is back. do you- are you ready to see him ? ».
ready was probably not an appropriated word. but after two months spent pretending that he was still laying next to you in bed every night, still texting you good morning every day, still sending you the dumbest memes at the most random times, it would have been a huge mistake to refuse osamu’s proposition.
and so he let him in. obviously, atsumu had orders from the doctors and his brother : don’t run, don’t move too fast, don’t speak too soon, don’t touch them without warning. but nobody had asked him not to cry. and how could his eyes stay dry when you looked so fragile and so vulnerable ?
osamu quietly left the room, leaving the two of you together not without apprehension. but if there was one thing he could trust his brother on, it was taking care of you. two months could not have gotten the better of four years of relationship.
but as much as he cared about you, atsumu had always been - and still was - pretty bad with words. and the first ones that left his mouth were a great example. « are you going to die ? » he asked in a shaky voice, brows knitted.
you would have given him an answer if you had one, but you didn’t. the doctors said that you had gone through the most painful part, but the risks of aggravations were still too important to let you go home. you were not 100% safe yet.
« i told you i’d wait » you spoke in a hoarse voice, the beep of your heart monitor getting a little bit faster.
the steps atsumu took towards you were slow, like he had been told, but just one glance at his eyes was enough to know that deep down, he was dying to feel your skin against his.
« i know you probably hate me right now. and for good reasons » he started as he sat on the chair next to your bed, still painfully avoiding any contact. « but there’s something i need to tell you, in case… in case… well, if something were to happen ».
his eyes lingered on your fingertips, blue and cold, and his whole body tensed at once. the thought that everything you were going through had been caused by his own selfishness was driving him crazy. but he had one last thing to keep himself grounded, and that thing was exactly what he was about to tell you.
« i love you. but i caused you so much trouble that i think there’s only one way to prove it… » he said, taking a deep breath before finally resting a timid hand on your arm. « i want to marry you. right now. i don’t fucking care if it’s not considered official, i just want you to know that leaving you was probably the biggest mistake i ever did. and that i’m not leaving ever again. so fuck it, let’s get married ! you almost died, life’s too short to plan a stupid ceremony ».
he stopped for a few seconds, panting from his teary monologue and paying attention to any beep or other sound that might indicate that he had made things worse for you. but it seemed like you were doing ok. how could you not be ? the love of your life had just proposed to you - sure, it wasn’t how you had imagined it, but wasn’t it even more beautiful like that ?
the tears that started rolling down your cheeks were undoubtedly tears of happiness and relief to know that, finally, your life was back to normal. atsumu was your normality, and for the first time in two months, you finally felt like you had a purpose. you had no idea if soulmates existed, but what you had with atsumu seemed more than close enough.
if someone had entered the room at that moment, it’d probably have taken them several minutes to understand what was going on. two young adults, crying yet smiling, one of them laying on a hospital bed looking like they had been through hell and back, and the other tearing off two pieces of his t-shirt and looking genuinely proud of himself - nothing about this made sense.
« my apologies, it was the easiest way to make us rings » atsumu chuckled, eyes still blurry as grabbed your hand in his with infinite tenderness. slowly, he tied the piece of cloth around your ring finger, loosely enough so that the doctors would not consider it dangerous for your blood circulation.
« i’m keeping that until you’re getting out of here. by my side. » he affirmed, pointing at his own makeshift ring before looking right into your eyes, as serious as ever. « and i’m also keeping you. forever. consider this my wedding vows »
as much as he hated to phrase it like that, you could both die in peace now.
i spent so much time on medical sites to be as accurate as i could, i felt like meredith mf grey for a few hours
@toworuu @catwithangerissues
#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu#haikyuu oneshot#haikyuu angst#miya atsumu#atsumu x reader#atsumu angst#miya atsumu x reader#atsumu one shot
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Levi Ackerman One shot <3
im so so so sorry its this long i got totally carried away
More soft Levi x sad oc because I feel the need to project my own feelings into a situation that will never really happen 😊.
Another day of training finished at around 7pm, I slowly made my way into the mess hall to have a meal before heading to bed, not like I was very hungry anyways.
These last few weeks, maybe months, I hadn't been feeling myself, not like I was a very outgoing person to begin with, but I at least tried to socialise with the others but now it feels like a chore so now I don’t even bother, I just wake up go through with my day, eat if I can and then sleep and recently it's been making me frustrated with myself causing me to snap more than I usually do during training and I think people are starting to notice.
As one of the first I was able to grab a plate with food on it quickly and slide into the end of one of the benches in the bottom corner. I picked around at the meat, vegetables and potatoes moving it around a little, not really having an appetite. A few people slid into bench alongside me and in front of me, it was Hange, Erwin, Eren and Captain Levi, they made small talk around me, I didn’t pay much attention to them and then I decided to get rid of my untouched food.
“Oi, where do you think you are going Kasey?” Levi voices called out and stopped me in my tracks and look back at him but avoiding his eye contact that he was sternly holding with me “I'm... uh not feeling the best” is all I could muster up as an excuse “well maybe if you ate a little you would feel better, you can't sleep on an empty stomach, right Hange” Commander Erwin commented and Hange nodded along spooning meat into her mouth, I sigh internally but put on a smile and nod whilst making my way back to the corner to wait them out but Levi grabs my wrist causing me to pull and resist a little on instinct but he ignores it “Eren move down so Kasey can sit next to me” Levi ordered and Eren tilts his head but moves anyways “can’t have a solider skipping meals” he says bluntly and nods his head towards the plate and so I sit down next to Levi, a little too close to the point of our thighs touching but he doesn’t seem fazed by it and continues eating his half eaten food along with the others, I can still wait them out.
I poke around it some more and eat small bites of the vegetables for another 10 minutes and by then it was only me and Levi left at the table, he lets out a loud sigh next to me and pushes his plate away from him and takes a sip of his tea “are you really not going to eat that” he turned his face to me and look at me then the plate with furrowed eyebrows and I just shrugged “ Captain, I don’t feel too-” “yeah yeah you don’t feel good, of course” he rolled his eyes and didn’t even let me finish making a bit of guilt fill me, he was only looking out for me “anyway your dismissed I hope to see you eat more” I nodded and never moved quicker to get out of the mess hall with Levi’s stare burning me in the back.
I made it to my room which I thankfully didn’t share with anyone, I unbuttoned the top two buttons of my shirt and undid all my straps and took them off to try feel a bit more relaxed, I took a long shower I think I was in there for about 25 minutes maybe more and I changed into a tank top and some shorts due to the summer heat that was creeping up on us. I brushed out my damp hair so there were no knots after doing this it was around 9pm and I was now laying on my bed staring at the ceiling when I suddenly heard a knock at my door making me snap my head towards the door and then it began to open.
“Who is it” I say, trying to see the person entre “Its Levi” He answers as he continues to push the door open with his foot because his hands were holding two cups of tea? I rush up to help him and open the door then close it behind him “is everything okay, Captain?” he just looks me up and down, nods and carefully sets one of the cups of tea on my nightstand next to my bed and then takes a seat on a spare chair at the end of my single bed. I felt a little awkward seeing him like this, he had a black long sleeved fitting top on, and some black sweatpants and he came here in his socks too, I looked around the room not keeping my focus on him “the tea is for you” he nods towards it and takes a sip of his own “I added some tea herbs that go well with the black tea that helps to calm you” He continued on and it was sort of...cute hearing him talk about something other than killing titans or anything titan related really, I smiled lightly and took the tea in my hand and took a sip, testing it out I had never had black tea never mind herbs.
I can feel Levi watching me intently as I remove the cup from my lips carefully “do you like it” I thought about it for a few moments, it was a little bitter with a tint of citrus to it as well “I like it, Ive never tasted something like this” I shift my eyes to him and take another drink before sitting it down and Levi keeps his in his lap, holding it in his unusual way. I was still confused on why he was here, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to tell me, I looked at him again and he was looking down into his teacup and swirling the tea around “I think I was a little harsh on you or maybe too blunt” he says out randomly and I'm shocked by him expressing this to me “oh no Captain please-” he cut me off again “just call me Levi there’s no need for the formalities, I've been watching you here and there during training and noticed how you aren’t doing as well as you used to do” so someone did notice, but Levi was the last person I would expect to notice a random cadet feeling blue about her life, I didn’t know how to answer him so I just looked down at my bare legs in front of me and he lets out a small sigh and piches his nose “Look.. I’m.... worried about you Kasey” after he said this, I feel the heat rise to my cheeks and try to hide it with my hair and grab the teacup and drink some more of the tea to distract myself, he coughs a little and shuffles around “I don’t want you to get injured or injure yourself if you aren’t looking after yourself here”.
He gets up and makes his way to sit next me on the bed and moves my hair from my face to behind my ear and I move my face away from his hand quickly after this and furrow my eyebrows “Kasey...” “sorry I'm just not used to being touched” he was quick to answer “don't apologise” I just nodded “are you.. Enjoying yourself being a cadet, Kasey?” this question makes me look up at him and he continues “is it that you don’t want to be here anymore? Are you regretting your decision picking the scouts?” he questioned, sounding a bit sad and I bite my lip, it's not that I don’t enjoy it I just don’t know how to, I fiddle with my fingers not knowing how to answer him “don't stay silent, I want to help you”
I look at him with tears starting to swell up in my eyes, but I don’t let them fall out of my eyes “it’s...it’s not that, Levi I, I can’t feel anything good, I never feel happiness or relief or anything after I finish my training, I... I can't even talk to anyone because I don’t know how or what to say and it feels so exhausting even trying to interact with others, all I would do is let them down, there’s just nothing for me here... or anywhere, sometimes I wish to disappear, so I don’t have to live like this, I want to be able to feel all the good emotions but it's like... they just don’t exist inside me anymore and I don’t know how to get them back and I feel so alone here like no one understands this and I can't explain how I feel it's not like I should be this sad right? but I can tell you... I don’t regret joining the scouts” I put my face into hands and let tears out and I try to stifle my cries “H-how can I help you Kasey” he leans into me, I wipe my eyes and sit up straight and look into his eyes, why is he here.
Without thinking I put my head into his lap and fling my legs up onto my pillow so I'm lying on my side staring at the door, I lay my hands on his knees and he tenses up a little “just... stay here with me, Levi?” I ask more than say and I feel him stretch over me to set him teacup next to mine and sit upright again and he starts to run his hands from the top of my scalp to the bottom of my almost dry hair “okay... I will” I sigh with a bit of comfort knowing I won't be alone, for tonight at least, “Levi... why did you come?” his hands pause for a moment then returns to their actions “Honestly, I'm not sure, I just had a feeling I had to come see you, but I must admit Kasey... I've always been a bit more than... interested in you and I didn’t want to leave a bad impression since we’ve only spoken a few times” I went wide eyed for a moment, more than interested? What did that mean? I didn’t give him an answer only feeling a bit of surprise hearing this from the Captain, I sit up and look at his lips then his eyes “what do you think of me, Kasey?” I didn’t know how to answer or what I wanted to say to him.
I lean in and close my eyes and Levi’s hand snakes up to cup my cheek and our lips touch and I furrow my eyebrows and lean in more, putting one of my hands on his lap and another on his chest. Levi begins to take the lead of the kiss a little more, tilting his head and with his other hand he pushed my hair away from my shoulder, I try lean in even more and Levi pulls away “you were almost pushing me over” he let out a small breathless laugh and rubbed his hair, I blush at how in the moment I got, and I mumble a sorry to him and catch my breath whilst looking at my lap, I look back up at Levi and he’s already looking at me, “what was that for?” I nibbled on my lip again and looked away to the side “I didn’t know what to say” Levi grinned a little “I’m glad we’re feeling the same way... sort of... don’t worry, I might not be able to bring your emotions back per say but... I can try show you that no one wants you to disappear and that you are never alone” he ducked down to look into my eyes that I was avoiding “okay?” He reached for my hand and lay his on top of mine and I blushed again “okay” I whispered back with a smile.
“it’s pretty late, aren't you tired?” I shrug and fumble with my fingers “a little, are you?” “a little” he replied back “that single bed looks a little cramped for the both of us, would you like to come back to my room?.... you don’t have to” “that would be nice” I answered without a second thought on that, sharing a double bed with Levi? Yes please.
We both head out down the very quiet, cold and dimly lit corridors, turning right once and left once a few moments after the right turn before reaching Levi’s office, I've been in his office many times delivering notes and other things that Hange wanted to give him but always sent me, he opens the door and lets me walk in first then comes in after then closes and locks the door “this way” he says and takes me to another door that is where his bedroom must be. When I entre there is a big double bed with white silk sheets and a wooden headboard in the middle of the room “come on” he says quietly and opens the sheets for me to hop into the left side, I quickly snuggle into the sheets and bring them up to my nose, the smell of Levi surrounding me, he goes around and takes off his top, I couldn’t help but watch his back muscles move as he done the action I blush a little and look up at him once he turned around and gets into the bed with me and I suddenly feel a lot warmer than I already was “are you okay with this?” he whispered “yes” I whisper back and giggle a little at our hushed tone “good” he moves towards me and pulls me into him, and I let him, totally indulged in his warmth and scent, he rests his head on my head with his arms wrapped around me “get some sleep” “you too” I say and put my scrunched up hands on his chest and place a small kiss in the middle of his chest and drift to sleep
#levi attack on titan#snk levi#levi x reader#shingeki no kyoujin levi#attack on titan#attack on titan fiction#aot#levi ackerman fluff#fluff#aot smut#smut#so much fluff#soft levi#levi ackerman#levi x oc#levi one shot#aot oneshots#oneshot
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Spitfire - sweet pea x reader
Part two
Here is part two to spitfire, if you like it please don’t forget to comment on it. I love hearing feedback. If anyone wants to help out and beta my work I would love that too. Shoot me a message or ask with anything. I’m also thinking of creating a tag list so if you want to be on that then let me know.
Also gif not mine let me know if you know who’s it is
Sweet Pea POV
I watched as she walked up on stage once the music started, I couldn’t help but keep my eyes on her as she discarded her shirt looking around for something. Her eyes found mine as she tossed her shirt and I brought my beer up to my lips as she got rid of her jeans leaving her in a red lace lingerie set. My eyes widened at the sight and she never took her eyes off me. I could feel the heat travelling to my dick as she finished up and took off to the side of the stage where I could see Toni was waiting for her. Fangs and I made our way over to the two girls as Rory pulled her jeans up her legs. I took her new jacket off Toni and walked over to her. I placed the leather on her shoulders and she pushed her arms through the sleeves, I gathered up her red hair and pulled it gently out of her collar and rested it over her left shoulder before I rested both of my hands on her shoulders.
“You’re officially a serpent now. How do you think your brothers going to react once he finds out?” I lent down to whisper in her ear. I felt her tense up under my palms.
“I guess he’ll just never find out then.” She shrugged and I squeezed her shoulders gently before sitting down at the bar and looking at Toni for a drink.
“You’re brother is going to kill you Rory.” I heard Jones say from beside me. I noticed out of the corner of my eye he had taken my place behind Rory gently squeezing her shoulders. I felt my jaw clench slightly as she shrugged and took a swig of her beer.
“Honestly I think he needs to get his head out of his ass. You guys are actually really cool and I’m glad I get to call you my friends now too. Let him kill me he wouldn’t he loves me too much.”I felt something warm inside me but quickly shut it down and forgot about it as the door to the wyrm was thrown open I didn’t Bohr looking behind me as the intruders made their way up to the bar and stopped just short of Rory and I being at the end.
“Aurora! We’re going home now!” I heard the Northsider yell as I saw Rory stand up to face her brother before taking another sip of beer.
“Um, no thanks, I’m good here.” I watched as she turned her back on him and he stood taller standing over her trying to regain control of the situation and ultimately Rory. I stood up next to her slightly closer than was probably necessary as one of the other bulldogs walked up beside Red. I let her hand gently rest on my own as she placed her body in front of mine.
“You’re one of them now? A serpent?” Red asked squinting his eyes in his sisters direction looking down at her. My body stiffened and I took a small step closer, my lower stomach now in contact with her back. I felt my fists clench beside me. My anger at the disrespect for his sister settling in my stomach.
“Yes now please leave before you make a fool of yourself even more than your doing now!” She pointed to the door and Red followed her finger. I felt her hand on my bicep as she almost gave me whiplash with her strength pulling me back to the bar.
“You know, I’d still bang you Andrew’s even if you are just another serpent slut.” I heard one of the bulldogs whisper in her ear, closest to me, he seemed to be taunting her and me, knowing he would get a rise out me by saying that. I stood up and let my fist connect with the bulldogs jaw. I was not about to let him just walk all over her like that my protective instincts kicking in at the way Rory had tensed up at his words. Soon enough the bulldog landed a punch on my left cheek but I was quick with another blow to his pretty little face. I felt Jones pull me off the bulldog with Red doing the same to him.
“You’ve just made a big mistake Rory.” Red yelled as he dragged the bulldogs out of the wyrm. I turned myself back to my beer taking a swig to calm myself down in an effort to not snap again. I could taste a slight metallic flavour to the beer and and I brought my hand up to observe the damage on my lip.
“You didn’t need to do that Sweet Pea, I can handle Reggie.” She told me as she placed a small hand on my left cheek, I winced slightly, surely there would be a bruise there, she was gentle as she touched my face taking in the wince at the initial contact o her cold hands. I felt as all of my anger washed away with one simple small touch from one small girl.
“What’s serpent law number 1 Rory?” I held her gaze as I asked her the question.
“No serpent stands alone.” She recited as I nodded and turned my head away from her touch not liking how weak I felt under her fingers, but also not hating the way my skin tingled from her fingers, I would not let some Northsider have this effect on me. “I better go have a screaming match with my brother, I’ll see you guys later.” Toni nodded at her and I watched as she made her way out of the wyrm. I felt a slap to the back of my head.
“What was all that dude?” I heard Fangs ask from beside me. I shrugged at him.
“No women should be treated like that, serpent or not.” I got Toni to pass me another beer. “Round of pool before we head off too?” I asked him. He nodded and Toni followed us over to the pool tables. As I racked up the balls Toni turned her head to me. A questioning look hiding behind her brown eyes.
“You like her don’t you?” I scoffed as I took my shot.
“I barely like you two.” The game went smoothly and as usual Fangs got his ass handed to him and he pushed $20 into my chest. He’ll never learn.
“You would never let anyone touch you like she did tonight, not even to patch you up.” Toni just wouldn’t drop it. I groaned as Fangs put away the cue’s and balls.
“Just drop it okay she’s an Andrew’s anyway.” I shrugged and walked out of the wyrm up to my bike. I decided against a helmet and turned the key hearing the engine roar to life before I sped off in the direction of the Northside. She should be home by now, I just wanted to make sure she was safe, that’s what I kept telling myself as I turned down her street. I slowed down almost stopping outside her house and noticed the living room light on, I could faintly here yelling over the loud sound of my engine and I knew she was home safe. The curtains by the door shifted so I took off again revving the engine slightly before changing gears and heading back to sunnyside trailer park.
Aurora POV
“She’s a serpent now dad!” I heard Archie telling dad as soon as I walked in the door, my serpent jacket hanging from my elbow as it got a touch warm on the walk home.
“That better be you Aurora and you better have a damn good reason for joining the serpents!” I heard my dad yell as I tried to sneak my way into my bedroom.
“Yeah dad, its me.” I purposely didn’t answer the question about being a serpent.
“How did FP allow you to become a serpent?” My dad questioned as I walked into the kitchen.
“FP doesn’t know, some guy named Tall Boy initiated me. With the help of a serpent Archie’s age. It’s fine dad I’d rather be protected than not with the black hood business going on.” I crossed my arms over my chest. Placing my jacket over the back of the couch.
“You can’t be a serpent Rory! They came to our house to fight me!” Archie yelled at me getting closer.
“That’s because you waved a gun in Sweet Pea’s face! Yes I know exactly what happened and I also know that you threw the first punch, so don’t even try to tell me it was their fault or that they’re thugs because as far as I’m aware you are at fault right now not us.” I crossed my arms over my chest. Archie’s ja dropped a I mentioned us and not just the serpents. I heard a soft rumble of an engine pass by the house. Archie made his way over to the front window by the door and peaked his head out. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I threw my arms out beside me.
“Language young lady!” My dad yelled over me and Archie.
“You think they’re going to come back for round 2. Believe it or not but family members of serpents are actually protected too. So unless I specifically tell them not to protect you Sweet Pea cannot touch you again. And believe me, right now I’m this fucking close.”
“Aurora!”
“Sorry dad, I just can’t believe Archie right now.”
“I’m not too thrilled about you being a serpent either Aurora. But if you think this is going to protect you and us from the black hood I’m willing to make an exception.” Dad shrugged which only angered Archie even further.
“Dad! She’s a serpent, Jughead is a serpent, your best friend is a serpent and he is currently behind bars. Don’t you think she would be safer without them?” Archie raised his arms before laying them down by his sides.
“Look, FP is an adult, he chose them when he was her age. Jughead is just following in his fathers footsteps for protection just like Rory. Once FP gets out he can decide if she stays or goes. As for you Rory, I want you to go and tell FP about this little development tomorrow. See what your godfather has to say about all of this. Because I sure as hell cannot deal with the two of you right now, so I’m going to bed.” With a wave of his hand dad stomped his way up the stairs. Archie and I stayed still glaring at each other until the slam of a door broke us out of it.
“I seriously can’t believe you did this Rory, they’re bad people and now you have ruined your life, for what? A guy? Sweet Pea was his name? You’ve got to be-,” my hand collided with the side of his face.
“Don’t you dare even think I did this for a guy. Because in the last two days the serpents have actually been there for me more than you have since dad got shot. Ive made three really good friends and Jug and I are closer than ever before. Don’t even think you know what is going on in my life. You only care about yourself. And for the record I don’t like Sweet Pea as anything more than a friend.”
“Aurora! He’s the one that did Jughead’s initiation, you saw what he looked like afterwards.” Archie was trying to get me to turn against them.
“Yes I was there. I watched Sweet Pea with his brass knuckles get Jug in the side of the face, also I was the one to clean him up after and I went to the Whyte with him to get his jacket, where Sweet Pea was an asshole to me and I never back down you know that. Which is how I got to where I am now, but I couldn’t be happier Archie. So please for once try to be my brother instead of an asshole.” With that I turned away grabbing my jacket and headed upstairs to my bedroom slamming the door before I flopped face down on my bed. My phone vibrated with a message as I rolled over to look at the ceiling. I groaned before taking it out to check it.
Sweet Pea: hope you got home safe, also hope you didn’t get your ass handed to you by red.
I laughed silently at him being a dork. He wont even acknowledge that Archie is my brother. I’m pretty sure his brain would spontaneously combust.
Me: yes I’m home safe. I put him in his place don’t worry about me, I’m tough 🤯
Shortly after I hit send I got another message from Jug this time.
Juggie: did Archie and your dad kill you?
Me: dad wasn’t happy at first but then I mentioned how family members are protected too and he seemed to ease out of it. But I’m this close to letting Sweet Pea off his leash to go after Archie again. I’m fucking over it all. All the Northside, Southside bullshit. Juggie what do I do?
Juggie: you do nothing, we got your back and I’m sure Sweet Pea would kill anyone that gave you shit. He’s loyal like that.
Me: and another thing why does Sweet Pea keep coming up in conversations I have? Archie accused me of sleeping with him. Ive only known him like two days.
Juggie: you brought him up in this convo Rory, don’t try blame me this time, I think you’ve got a crush!
Me: I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH! He’s just a good friend now after he got over the fact that I’m a northsider.
Juggie: sure whatever you reckon. Anyway tomorrow after school meet me at pops we gotta talk.
Me: sure thing I’ll see you then. Goodnight x
Juggie: goodnight x
I changed out of my clothing for the day and into my pyjama shirt before pulling the covers back on my bed and climbing in. Before I could close my eyes my phone vibrated against the side table.
Sweet Pea: sure you’re tough, anyway just wanted to make sure your got home okay from the wyrm and to say goodnight.
Me: goodnight Sweet Pea.
I fell asleep thinking about a certain tall dark and handsome serpent that night.
A couple of months after my initiation I had gotten wind that Mayor McCoy was raiding Southside high and anyone with a jacket was going down. I ran with Jughead into the school only to see two deputies push Sweet Pea into a row of lockers. Toni not far from him with only one deputy on her. I locked eyes with Sweet Pea before he mouthed ‘run’ to me. I turned around and followed Jug down the steps of Southside high. We took off running in the direction of Northside, more specifically to my house where he and I could regroup and discuss what we just saw and what we do about it now.
“What the fuck just happened?” I asked Jug as I made us both some coffee.
“Mantle said he got JJ from a serpent for Veronica’s party the other night when Cheryl was almost raped by some guy Veronica knew in New York. So the serpents and Southside high were raided, I don’t know how long they’re going to be locked up for though.” Jug put his head in his hands and groaned, this was just one big mess.
“I’m going to fucking kill Reggie!” I slammed my hand down on the counter before leaning closer to Jughead. “I know for a fact it was a Ghoulie who sold that to him.” He nodded with me. The rest of the night Jug and I spent watching movies and trying to not think about our friends that had just been locked up.
Jug couldn’t go to school the next day as Southside high was still being raided before the serpents would be released so I told him he could stay at mine, Archie and dad wouldn’t mind so I was on my way to school, jacket hanging off my shoulders when Reggie Mantle decided to be a dick and come up to me at my locker.
“So your really one of them now? I thought you had standards, but I guess not.” He shrugged leaning on the locker beside mine, I ignored him as he lent down slightly to whisper in my ear. “I’d still fuck you, though I’m sure you been passed around the serpents enough.” I slammed my locker door shut before my fist connected to Reggie’s face. I heard a sickening crack and smiled triumphantly before turning around and walking away. “Just like that serpent toy of yours always so hot headed.” I heard him wheeze out through his broken nose. I took a deep calming breath before I stomped back over to Reggie.
“A) not my toy just a friend, and B) you’re the reason my friends are currently locked up. Get your head out of your ass Mantle, you know it was a Ghoulie who sold you the JJ, you just don’t like the serpents.” I flicked my hair in his face as he held his nose blood rushing out. I rushed into the nearest bathroom and ran my hand under some cold water. My knuckles were already starting to bruise up.
“Students of Riverdale High, this is your principal, emails have been sent out to your parents, effective immediately, Southside High will be shutdown. Students will be transferred to other schools in the district, including this one.” I heard the voice of principal Weatherbee come over the speakers, I silently did a small cheer as I wouldn’t be the only one in this school wearing a serpent jacket. Betty would be happy Jug is coming back. I was excited as I’m sure Sweet Pea, Fangs and Toni would all be coming here, the rest of the day I couldn’t focus too excited for my friends to be joining this school and I wouldn’t feel so alone anymore.
Juggie: did you hear Southside is being shut down?
Me: yeah heard he announcement this morning. I’m excited for you all to be here though. Have you heard anything about when they’re getting let out?
Juggie: yeah this afternoon they get out, want to join me in getting Toni, Fangs and Sweet Pea out?
Me: fuck yes I do, meet you at the station after school?
Juggie: 👍
I hopped in my car after school watching as Reggie sent me a death glare from his spot leaning against his precious Bella. Not long after I left school I joined Jughead at the station where Fangs, Sweet Pea and Toni were being uncuffed. I ran up and pulled Toni into a bone crushing hug which she returned. Fangs then mockingly held out his arms and I pulled him into me as Jug hugged Toni. My eyes swept over Sweet Pea who looked slightly uncomfortable at all the affection being thrown around and when I pulled away from Fangs I walked up to him.
“I’m glad your okay.” I told him before I felt his arms wrap around my shoulders. I wrapped my arms around his middle under his jacket and held him tightly. His head rested on mine as mine rested on his chest. His height is ridiculous. I caught Toni’s smirk as she watched us before we pulled away. “Who’s up for Pop’s?” I got a chorus of ‘hell yeah’ as Toni, Fangs and Sweet Pea climbed into my car and Jug climbed onto his bike. We sent the rest of the night laughing and sharing funny stories at a booth in pop’s before our worlds would be turned upside down tomorrow at school. We all knew that the Southside high students wouldn’t be be welcomed at Riverdale high and they were dreading it. I told them I would would walk through the doors with them and help Sweet Pea beat up anyone that would look at them differently. I had told them about Reggie this morning and how I handled it, Sweet Pea gave me a high five and Jughead just shook his head at us. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I looked around before pulling it out thinking it was Betty.
ToniT: you wanna be a bit more obvious?
I gave her a look and she typed out another message, three dots showing up on my screen.
ToniT: you and sweet pea are scarily alike, and you keep looking at him with heart eyes 😍😍.
Me: no I don’t. And I just don’t like being messed with. You saw the way I stood up to sweet pea when I first met him. Stop trying to play matchmaker, if you think we’re so alike wouldn’t that be a bad thing if we were together?
ToniT:mmm so you’ve thought bout you and him together? That’s so cute! No one has ever stood up to him the way you did that night. No one usually gets a chance before they’re on their ass.
Me:I’m done with this conversation.
I shook my head and pocketed my phone again.
“Who was that?” Jughead asked nudging me with his shoulder.
“Archie.” I lied taking a long sip of my coffee milkshake. I made eye contact with Toni before the night started to get away from us and we all decided to head off. Being the only Northsider I decided to walk home. Just as I left the parking lot of pop’s I heard a bike stop beside me.
“Want a ride trouble?” I turned to see Sweet Pea holding out his helmet. I grinned and nodded before taking his helmet and kicking my leg over the bike. He sped off down the road and I finally felt free. I had started the ride with a death grip on Sweet Pea but by the time we got to my house I held both arms out beside me and enjoyed the feeling of the air rushing through my body.
Sweet Pea POV
I watched as Rory pushed through the doors of Southside high just as I was pushed into a row of lockers by two deputies. Assholes couldn’t even take me one on one. I mouthed ‘run’ to her as a pair of handcuffs were tightened around my wrists. I let out a curse as they were tightened too tight and I watched and Topaz was also arrested beside me. I just hope Rory got out safe she was wearing her jacket, if she was caught wearing it in Southside high she would also be arrested. We spent the night locked up but I never saw Rory so hopefully she was going to be okay with Jones. Once we were let out we had been informed that Southside high was being shutdown. I knew Jones would be pissed but Fangs, Toni and I couldn’t be happier. I was finally going to be able to make something of myself and get out of this shit hole of a town. Jones and Rory came and joined us once we were uncuffed, she watched as the cuffs were taken off us, I never wanted her to see this I was hoping she would just see us tomorrow for our first day but I had been wrong. She threw herself at Toni. The two smaller girls holding each other close, Fangs held out his arms for Rory to run into. My fists clenched before I released them and flexed my hands. Lastly she came over to me, usually I’m not one who is big into hugs but watching the way both Toni and Fangs melted into her embrace made me crave the feeling of her arms wrapped around me.
“I’m glad you’re okay.” She told me looking down and fiddling with a ring on her right middle finger. I couldn’t take it anymore and I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her tightly to my chest, she wrapped her arms around my stomach and rested her head on my chest. I felt her small cold hands rest on my back just above my jeans. I felt my heart beating erratically in my chest and wondered if she could hear it as I placed my head on top of hers, inhaling he scent of vanilla and sweet pea, loving the way she felt in my arms. “Who’s up for Pop’s?” She asked as she pulled away from me. We all agreed and the three of us followed her out to her car as Jones got on his bike.
At Pop’s we all ended up laughing hysterically at some stories that the three of us told about our lives. Memories growing up with the two of them and the mischief we used to get up to. Rory had decided to tell us what had happened between her and Mantle that morning and how she handled it. I gave her a high five and a wide grin knowing she was capable of looking after herself regardless of being a northsider. I noticed her right hand had bruises on the knuckles and absentmindedly reached for her hand, our fingers brushed together gently before she pulled her hand off the table and rested it in her lap. I silently sighed and took another sip of my milkshake not making eye contact with anyone at the booth. I heard a vibration coming from Rory but didn’t bother to look up. More vibrations came as I heard her nails clicking away at the screen of her phone.
“Who was that?” I heard Jones ask her and my head shot up. Her eyes found mine before she replied to him.
“Archie.” She said and shrugged, I could seen it in her eyes she was lying but I thought I would leave it be for the time being. A few hours later we all decided it was getting late and we should all leave. I watched her as she started walking out of the parking lot and turned left instead of right like the rest of us would. I quickly climbed on my bike and took off after her, she stopped in the sidewalk before she realised it was me.
“Want a ride trouble?” I asked her chuckling to myself, I was one to talk, trouble always found me, and right now the trouble that found me was in the form of a Northside serpent. I held out my helmet to her not caring that I didn’t have one for myself now, she grinned and took it. I ensured that it was done up under her chin correctly and told her to hang on as I took off. I heard her shriek slightly as her grip on my waist tightened. I chuckled and sped a bit faster wanting her to hold me tighter. Halfway to her house I felt her arms let go of my body. I took a look in the side mirror and watched as her eyes closed and her arms spread out on either side of her body. She was breathtaking but I missed the feeling of her arms around my body. Once we got to her place she placed her hands on my shoulders and kicked her leg over my bike pushing her body off it using my shoulders as leverage. She handed me back my helmet and we just stared at each other not knowing what to say to the other.
“Want a ride in the morning?” I asked her clipping the helmet to the handlebars of my bike. She nodded and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. I think this is the most shy I’ve ever seen her, she usually always has something witty to say to me.
A week later and Weatherbee had given all serpents ‘uniforms’ to wear as he thought none of us would be able to afford Riverdale High appropriate clothing, and we all had to cover our tattoos. Which resulted in me having to wear a turtle neck. We were all sitting in the student lounge when Rory walked in and almost pissed herself laughing at Toni and I. I glared at har as she walked up to us. She sat herself down on my lap and poked my turtle neck covered tattoo.
“Loving the turtle neck there Sweet Pea.” She giggled again as she looked around us strangely. “Where’s Fangs?” She asked once she stopped giggling.
“He refused to wear the uniform so Weatherbee suspended him until he wears it.” I shrugged at her as Jones walks into the lounge. Toni got up to greet him as he hands Rory a large coffee cup.
“So its either conform or be cast out?” He exclaims angrily.
“Yeah.” Toni sighs as she takes a sip from her coffee cup. Rory follows suit also taking a sip of her new coffee and moans as I feel her relax against my chest. I laugh at her.
“Is that what you sound like in bed?” I whispered in her ear laughing lightly. She shoved me in the chest lightly.
“You wish you knew what I sounded like in bed don’t you Pea?” I felt her breath on my ear as she leaned in closer to me.
“Are you two done eye fucking each other? Some of us want to keep our breakfast down before you start to take clothes off each other.” Jughead whacked Rory on the back on the head causing her head to knock gently into mine.
“Fuck you Jones.” I rubbed my head where hers had connected and she turned around on my lap to look at our friends. I wrapped my hands around her waist gently as Toni and Rory started up a conversation about Rory getting a few shifts either at the wyrm or pop’s. I wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying but rather how she was talking. I watched as her eyes light up before she took her phone out of her back pocket putting all her weight onto my pelvis as she lifted the other side of her ass up to get her phone. Her tongue poked out through her teeth and she scrolled furiously through her phone looking for something to show Toni before she turned it around to show the pink haired girl. They both giggled and I felt her place her free hand on my knee absentmindedly rubbing circles with her thumb. I felt Jones kick my shin to get my attention. It shook me out of my trance as I turned my head to look around Rory at the serpent legacy. He only just raised his eyebrows at me before he looked at Rory then back to me. I shrugged and tuned back into Rory and Toni’s conversation.
“… so we need to go shopping today after school then.” I felt Rory chuckle at Toni and nodded.
“Wanna come shopping with us Sweet Pea?” Rory asked me adjusting yet again my lap.
“He doesn’t do shopping.” Toni answered before I could say I would like to go with them. I think she may have just wanted a girls shopping trip. But I also know the amount of times I’ve complained when she has dragged me shopping, so I guess she was right, but I found myself just always wanting to be around Rory. Even more now that I got to know her. Yes the first night I saw her with Jones at the wyrm I thought she was hot, then she stood up to me and said she would become a serpent just to prove me wrong and I thought the way the light captured her deep red hair was beautiful. Then she started to hang out with us more at the wyrm and I started to get to know her more, the day we were all hauled into the sheriffs station and I saw her push through Southside highs doors right before I was slammed into a row of lockers I knew then and there that I needed to protect her from everything bad that goes on in the serpents. I knew she could handle herself but I also just wanted her to see me as something more than just a hot headed serpent going nowhere. In the time I have known her she and I have gotten really close, as well as Toni and Fangs, but sometimes I feel like she enjoys our slight banter and may even be more comfortable around me than the other two. In different ways she is friends with all of us. She and Jones have been friends since they were born, so they have an unbreakable bond with each other, like brother and sister, but less fighting. She and Fangs are on the verge of that brother-sister bond as well, they play fight and play wrestle like she’s one of the guys. She and Toni have that weird girly bond, they talk about shoes and clothes and boys, when us boys aren’t around though, Jones doesn’t want to hear about who Rory thinks is bangable this week, I find myself not wanting to be part of that conversation either. But with Rory and I its just comfortable. She can come up to me and sit in my lap without it being weird, we flirt with each other and we push buttons, I can pull her into a long, tight hug and she will know I needed that then and hug me back just as tight. She gets me, and I get her. We are one in the same but yet we both balance each other out. One touch from her and my anger can dissipate into thin air. One touch from me and she’s smiling again instead of frowning. I hated to see her frown, it made me wonder what she was thinking about. Every time she touches me though I get brought right back to the night she became a serpent almost three months ago now. When the bulldogs came in and I had a busted lip from Mantle, the way she had held my face in her hand had sent electricity through my whole being. At the time I thought she was trying to make me weak, but as time went on I noticed that when I was around her I actually felt stronger.
“Hey! Serpent slut!” Mantle strode in and Toni and Rory looked over, he could be talking about either one of them, but either way I didn’t like it as Rory got up off me and walked over to him.
“What do you want mutt?” She crossed her arms over her chest having left her coffee near me in case she needed her hands.
“I’m offering you a spot in my bed this weekend after Cheryl’s party,” he reached up and tucked a strand of auburn hair behind her ear, I saw red as he touched her and I was on my feet and heading over to them before I saw her grab his wrist twisting it painfully before she snarled and grit her teeth.
“Let’s make this very clear Reggie. I have never, nor will I ever think about being in a bed with you. I don’t need fleas from the likes of you.” She released his wrist and I lent against the couch Rory and I had been previously seated on.
“Oh but you’ll get bitten by one of those greasy snakes? I can see a faint mark on your neck there,” he reached up again and pointed to her neck. “Who gave that to you? One of them or all of them?” Her hand flew up to her neck and she looked back over to me. That’s my cue.
“Back off bulldog! She doesn’t want you.” I pushed her gently behind me. I knew this was partly my fault anyway. Last night I jokingly gave her a hickey while we were at the wyrm when she wouldn’t stop moving around on my lap.
“Oh but she wants you? A fucking snake? Pfft as if, serpent.” I pushed him in the chest as Toni and Jones came over to us. Toni taking Rory and leaving the lounge before things got messy. Mantle, Jones and I were suspended for two days because of the fight. After school got out I heard a knock on my door, groaning I got up off the couch to open it. I stood at my front door in a pair of sweats and no shirt as the ac in my trailer had shit itself and it was stupidly hot in there. I came face to face with a pair of bright green eyes.
“You gonna let me in?” She crossed her arms over her chest and I moved out of the way for her to make her way in. She sat down on the couch and shrugged off her light jacket resting it on the back of the couch. “You know I could have handled Reggie right?” She asked me as I moved into the kitchen to get some water for us.
“It was partly my fault that he started it anyway, I’m sure if he didn’t see the hickey it wouldn’t have escalated like it did.” I handed her the glass of water and sat down beside her. I watched as she took in everything about my trailer, I started to feel a bit self conscious as I noticed a small pile of clothes by the bathroom door and a bunch of empty take out boxes on the dinning room table. She looked back at me as she took a sip of her water. I knew she was used to a fancier home, her dad owned Andrew’s construction for fucks sakes she had it good and had a nice two story home on the Northside, and I lived alone in a tiny ass trailer on the Southside.
“I know but I can fight my own battles Pea, I don’t need you to do it for me all the time. I am a serpent too and I’ve been dealing with Reggie longer than I’ve known you.” She shrugged at me as she lifted her leg up so she could turn her whole body to me.
“I know you can, I just don’t like feeling useless when I know my friends are being looked down on. And again if I hadn’t have given that to you he probably wouldn’t have started it.” She placed her glass down on the coffee table in front of us before she started to fiddle with the rings on her fingers. I placed my much larger hands over hers and pried them apart from each other making her look up at me.
“I can’t keep letting you get suspended for fights over me anymore Pea. You need to lay off or your never going to lose the reputation of hot head.” She pulled her hands from mine and stood up.
“Maybe I just want to protect my friends, did you ever think about that? He many times have I gotten into fights over anything but people talking down to the Southside? How many time have you seen me punch someone who didn’t deserve it for being vulgar or disrespectful to either you or Toni, of even Fangs? What do you want me to do? Roll over and pretend nothing is happening? Just let people walk all over you? News flash Rory, that isn’t the way I was raised. I was raised a serpent, no serpent stands alone and I’ll be damned if I’m the one to leave you alone when you need me.” I ran my hands through my hair standing up halfway through my rant.
“Damnit Sweet Pea! I don’t need you to protect me! I am my own person, I can handle a couple of dim witted bulldogs and I can even handle some serpents. I’m not some fragile fucking doll for you to protect.” She started to pace around in my lounge room pulling at the roots of her hair. This was the first time I think I had ever seen her so worked up before.
“Well I’m sorry for taking an interest in the well being of my friend, Rory.” I took a step closer to her and she held up her hands in front of her.
“Then don’t.” She stopped pacing and turned to look at my eyes the best she could. I stooped my head down slightly so I could also see her eyes. “Just forget you ever fucking knew me because I can’t keep sitting here watching as you get yourself beaten to a pulp for me.” She tugged at her roots before she turned around and was out the door. I went to go after her but the door slammed in my face and I heard her car speed off. I punched the door causing a big hole to crumble. As I rested my head on the broken wood I thought about what I could have possibly done for her to hate me. I came up blank and decided to talk to her tomorrow at school.
Fangs and Toni had come by soon after Rory left.
“Dude! What happened to your door?” Fangs asked examining the splintered wood. I stayed sitting on my couch with my hands in my hair trying not to cry at the thought of never seeing Rory again.
“I think his anger got the best of him again, but my question is; who was it aimed at?” Toni asked as she made her way into the kitchen to pull out a beer for each of us.
“Myself.” I grumbled running my hands through my hair once again. I saw Fangs give Toni a look.
“He pissed off Rory, and now he blames himself for whatever happened, if I’m wrong tell me because I don’t see her here and she usually is. You two are usually watching movies and cuddling on the couch when we get here.” I groaned and shot Toni a glare, why did she have to be right. “Thought so, now what did you do?”
“She told me she could have handled Mantle today and I told her that I did it because I care about my friends and want to protect them. She then yelled at me, something about not being a fragile doll and told me to forget I ever knew her and then walked out the door.” I ran my hands through my hair again, missing the feeling of Rory dong it whenever she was bored.
“I know why she’s pissed then, but maybe just give her a bit of space and try talking to her in like a week or so.” Toni told me. “Now I’m going to check on my other friend because if I’m right as to why she is pissed then she needs me as much as you need Fangs. And you’re also a fucking idiot Sweet Pea, Fangs talk some sense into this dumbass please.” She put her hand on my knee and I jerked away. Too many times that hand had been Rory’s. Fangs saluted and I nodded as she took off out of my trailer and jumped on her bike.
“You like her don’t you?” Fangs turned to me.
“I think I remember this conversation from a couple of months ago, answer is still ‘I barely like you’.”
“Yes, but Toni and I aren’t Rory. You let her play with your hair, sit on your lap, you give each other hickies all the time, and I’m sure I’ve seen you smile and blush more in the last three months than I have in my whole life of knowing you. You’ve also gotten into a lot more fights since meeting her too. That Jason guy was the first one for seemingly no reason until Toni explained what had happened the night she became a serpent. You like her you dumbass and she likes you, your just too stubborn to admit it yourself and to her. She left and got pissed because you called her a friend and nothing more.” I shook my head at him.
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When We Were Young (Part IV)
Dean x Fem!Reader; Sam x Fem!Reader (platonic)
Read part I here ; Read part II here ; Read part III here
Warnings: Angst, Mentions of trauma/abuse, brief moments of self-harm, mentions of anxiety attack, a little dirty (not quite smut, but a bit steamy).
Summary: Dean, Sam, and Y/N grew up together, but when she’s taken away for over 10 years, the boys have no idea what she’s been through. Will asking her to move into the bunker with them reveal more than she’s ready for?
2359 words
You tensed, anticipating the conclusion of the story and suddenly afraid of how Dean would react to what you were about to say. You took a deep breath before speaking.
“And when Greg opened the closet door and pulled back the blanket, I emptied the clip into his chest.”
It was deafening in the bedroom as you let the words you had never spoken out loud ring out and coat the empty spaces around you, never to be forgotten again. Dean hadn’t spoken, and you suddenly felt exhausted, reliving the darkest moment of your life. He still held you tight in his arms, but he was no longer comforting you, merely laying still as you pressed against his chest breathing him in. You couldn’t decide if you were worried for his reaction, or if you were relishing in the silence and warmth of his hold, but either way you were becoming anxious the longer he didn’t speak.
Dean cleared his throat lightly, and you chanced glancing up at him. He wasn’t looking directly at you, but seemed to be lost in a memory for the moment. You curled back into his chest, and he tightened his hold, before you heard his voice, gruff from not being used.
“When I was maybe, I don’t know, thirteen, fourteen, I killed my first vampire. She was young and dad decided I was old enough to go head to head with her because we were roughly the same size.” He huffed out a brief laugh. “Looking back it seems really messed up, but I was itching to get more into the hunt and this became the only way for me to prove it to my father.” He stopped, and it was your turn to try to comfort him, reaching up to run your fingers across his shoulders and you felt him relax a bit, letting out a deep breath he must have been holding.
“Anyway, I took out the vamp no problem, and remember dad clapping me on the back, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of the vamp’s head. She hadn’t even barred fangs, and honestly looked just like a normal teenage girl, but one that I had just beheaded.” You continued lightly massaging his shoulders as you took comfort in the rumble of his voice against your cheek. “The image haunted me for weeks and after I woke dad up one night screaming in my sleep he sat down with me and instead of giving me the ‘she’s a monster, get over it’ talk he said something that I think about often.” Dean seemed to be completely lost in thought, and though you weren’t sure why he was telling you this, you listened intently, like he had just done for you.
“He told me, ‘Dean, she was doing bad things. Yes, she was young, but sometimes people can’t come back from tasting a little bit of the darkness.’”
You stopped moving your hands and he pulled you softly away from his chest and you looked into bright green eyes that seemed to glow in the dark.
“Y/N.” He began, his tone growing serious. You shrunk back a little against his hold, afraid of what he was about to say. “Hey,” he softened, pulling you closer again so he could rub his hands up and down your arms. “Look at me.” You glanced back into his eyes as he continued speaking. “Some people can’t come back from the darkness.”
Dean made everything seem so easy, and for a second you believed him. Perhaps you really could stop drowning in the guilt of what you did. But you shook your head at him with finality breaking your eye contact. You could never be forgiven for taking another human’s life. And you had too many secrets to ever live life like a normal person. Way too many skeletons in the closet. In that moment you felt profound guilt and sadness at the direction of your life. Sure, you were now in the arms of the man you had been in love with since before you even knew what love was, but he didn’t know anything about your life now.
Dean saw the way you were reacting to his words. The way your mind was taking you from hope to guilt to sadness to absolute dread. He knew you thought you could hide from him, but he spent the better part of his childhood learning how to read the nerdy short girl who sometimes hung out with him at Bobby’s. And he could still read you like a book.
“Hey, stop avoiding me, and look at me.” He said it with the tone that didn’t leave room for argument and you glanced up slowly. “You did what you had to do to protect yourself. That’s what your dad, my dad, and Bobby always taught us. Remember, ‘shoot first and ask questions later.’“ He smiled at you softly and you couldn’t help but smile back, feeling the memory pull at you.
When you found yourself alone with Dean on endless nights when you were younger, waiting for your dad’s to return, you used to come up with outrageous situations that you both could maybe find yourselves in and the other would respond simply with ‘shoot first. Ask questions later.’ It was stupid and bordering on morbid, but it always made you laugh, and Dean would stare at you until your fits of giggles stopped. In those moments, you always felt like maybe Dean felt for you just as much as you felt for him. But you were just his friend who he would hang out with at Bobby’s. Not girlfriend material. And you were taken from the boys young anyway, shattering any hope of what could have been. And Greg successfully shattered any hope of you being comfortable with another human being.
Dean saw it happening again. The way you went from joy to guilt to sadness to dread. It broke his heart to not know what was happening in your head. Whatever you were telling yourself to give you such a hopeless look. He wanted more than anything to take away your pain, but he had no idea where to even start.
You coughed lightly, pulling away from his arms. “Uh, can we just go to bed, Dean? I’m tired and,” you stopped glancing at his bedside clock, “it’s nearly 4:00am.” He nodded softly, and you turned away in the opposite direction, pulling the comforter up to your chin, though you weren’t even remotely tired. You were too stuck in your own head, imagining what could have been if you hadn’t been taken away all those years ago. You were never one for coulda woulda shoulda, but laying this close to Dean had you feeling all kinds of ways and it was hard not to want so much of what you couldn’t have. You had been laying silent for a few moments, when you felt Dean shift slightly.
“Hey,” he whispered, gauging if you were asleep. You turned your head back toward him, glancing into his eyes. “Uh,” he looked awkward and it made you smile. “Would it be okay, if I held you, Y/N? Just for tonight.” You were a bit shocked by his question, being that you had just been thinking about him, but you nodded, realizing quickly how much you wanted him close again. You turned back to your side away from him, and felt one arm snake under your head laying against the pillow, and the other crawl across your waist pulling you flush against him. He sighed contentedly, and you allowed yourself to breath normally, even though your body was trembling slightly and your breathing was a little erratic.
Being this close to him, it was impossible to hide the way your body was reacting, and you felt him pull away from you a bit, but you grabbed his arm and placed it on your hip again. This is what you wanted. It’s Dean. He would never hurt you. You told yourself over and over to calm you racing heart. Besides, Greg never cuddled with you.
“Are you sure you’re alright, baby?” Dean whispered, his breath tickling the hair by your ear, making your body tense up again. But you nodded placing your hand on his on your hip, and moving it further down your stomach. Dean let you guide his hand and when it landed in a comfortable place, you proceeded to run your fingers up and down his arm. A memory of Dean flashed across your eyes as you did this.
You were playing some racing game that you were horrible at and he knew it, so of course he wanted to place a bet. You were no punk, so you agreed, sitting up a bit straighter as the cars raced around the tracks for their practice run before you pressed the start button.
“If I win,” you started, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth in thought. “I get to ride in the front seat of the Impala the next time John takes us into town!” You didn’t really care about riding up front, but you knew it drove Dean insane to be in the back, and if you were up front you could play Dixie Chicks and Dean would have to shut up about it.
He sighed dramatically, but agreed. “Okay, then if I win...” He trailed off trying to look deep in thought, but you knew him better than that. He was embarrassed, and you got serious thinking ‘what could he possibly be embarrassed to ask for?’
“If I win, I want you to do that arm scratching thing you do when you’re nervous, to distract yourself... I love that.” You stared at him stupidly in response, but nodded anyway. You always thought he thought that was annoying when you’d be watching a horror movie and you’d grab his arm and move your fingers up and down the smooth skin as a distraction. You hated the feeling yourself, but he never stopped you, so you figured he was just humoring you.
Dean shrugged like it was no big deal and nodded back, looking toward the game, knowing he was going to win, and smiling to himself.
You kept moving up and down his arm and Dean sighed into your hair. “I love this.” He whispered softly, almost as if he didn’t mean to. You smiled nodding that you knew. Dean leaned his head down to rest on your shoulder and he lightly kissed the open patch of skin on your collar bone, losing himself for a moment. You breathed out a little in surprise, and he felt you tense, moving his head back. “Sorry.” He whispered quickly, but you shook your head in response.
“I liked it...” You whispered back, moving your hand to entangle your fingers with his on your waist, and he pulled you closer gripping you to him. His head returned and he placed another chaste kiss against your neck making goosebumps appear across your skin. He nuzzled into your neck lightly and you giggled involuntarily, nervous suddenly and he placed another kiss against your collarbone before speaking.
“It broke my heart to let you leave...” He trailed off, lost in thought as you took in his words. “I begged my dad for months to take you back, but we couldn’t find you. It was like the system ate you up. I’m so sorry, baby. I should have saved you.” You shook your head at his last words, not wanting any of this to be his fault. Besides, after Greg, you didn’t want to be found. You wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault and that you had disappeared for years after the shooting, but he released your hand suddenly, moving his hand back over your stomach. Your shirt had rode up a bit and you felt the pads of Dean’s fingers glide smoothly across your exposed skin. You had never been touched so gently, and though it brought up feelings you hadn’t felt in years, you knew Dean wasn’t pressuring you into anything, but rather comforting you and letting you know you are wanted. The thought made you choke up, and Dean held you close to him.
“Lets sleep. We can talk more tomorrow.” You nodded, and snuggled closer, relaxing as Dean’s fingers danced across your skin, and the sound of him humming “Let it Be” lightly into your ear soothed you into a dreamless sleep.
---------------------------
It was well after noon and you were still fast asleep. Dean had pulled away from you gently around 9:00am and was returning now to check on you. He pulled the door closed, leaving it open a crack so he could hear if you called for him, when Sam came up next to him.
“Hey,” He whispered. “How is she? How did last night go?”
Dean put a finger to his lips and motioned for his brother to follow him into the bathroom across the hall. He closed the door and sat down with a huff on the toilet seat, Sam perching on the side of the bathtub.
It took a few seconds for Dean to decide what he wanted to tell Sam, but his brother was ever patient waiting for Dean to say what he needed to.
“Some awful stuff happened to her when she was taken into foster care after her dad died, Sammy...” Sam nodded looking up at his brother, remembering how chaotic things were after the social worker barged into Bobby’s house and took you out screaming for Dean along the way. Dean refused to stop looking for you and it was almost a year later when he finally resigned to returning to hunt with his dad and taking care of Sam again.
Dean slammed his hand down loudly on the sink, and pulled it back quickly, straining to hear if he woke you. He didn’t hear anything so he turned back to Sam confessing what was weighing deep on his soul.
“I don’t know what to do.” He stated simply.
Sam narrowed his eyes in confusion. “What do you mean?” Dean looked up at him with sorrow in his eyes.
“I love her, Sammy.”
Read part V here.
When We Were Young Tag list: @vicmc624
#SUPERNATURAL SPOILERS#Supernatural fanfic#supernatural fanfiction#SUPERNATURAL GIFS#supernatural#spn spoilers#SPN gif#SPN#Protective Dean#angry dean#dean x reader#dean x you#dean x y/n#dean winchester#sam winchester#spn fanfiction#fanfic#fanfiction#supernatural famdon#supernatural family#spn famdom#SPN Family
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"Movie"
Simply a gay as all fuck Greyskyshipping fic ive been writing for like 2 days. Everyone look at them. But nobody look at me.
Hugh felt warm, the feeling of plush blankets draped on him and warm hot chocolate in his system made a pleasant warmth spread from his belly out to his fingers and toes. A welcome feeling combating the bitter Unova winter's gloom and sharp winds he and Nate just trudged through to get to this hotel. Speaking of Nate, when Hugh looked over he found his friend's brown eyes glued to the flatscreen TV that was provided with the room. The TV droned on with a movie about Ekans on a Corviknight Taxi, or whatever. It wasn't interesting, especially with Nate's promise of a horror movie. It was weak as hell, he could even hear Nate chuckling at it occasionally, muttering about the shitty CGI.
"Arceuuuuuuuussss, Nate," Hugh whined, looking over completely at him. "You said we could watch a scary movie, you promised a scary movie. This is boring and bad." He complained, taking a pillow and slapping his chest with it. Nate tried to muffle a little laugh in response while rolling his eyes.
"Last time we watched a slightly well made slasher you cried, you're not a horror guy! I was trying to numb it more to your taste." Nate shrugged a little, flashing him a little smile.
"No, let's watch something you like." Hugh scrunched up his nose a little and took his pillow back.
"I like this movie-"
"A movie you like unironically, jackass." Hugh interrupted, sticking out his bottom lip and glaring at Nate, who stuck his hands in the air a little and shrugged.
"Whatever you say, dollface."
"What's with you and dollface?"
"Because you don't get enough sun and are white as fuck- OW!" Nate was met with a hit to the gut, Hugh using a snap of aggression to hide the face he did find that really funny. It was a beat of silence between them before barely contained snickers finally escaped the two, blooming into giggles and snorts. "Okay, okay, Hugh! If you're sure you want to watch a real horror movie, let me put on one of my personal favorites."
Hugh nodded a little, shuffling deeper into his blankets as Nate rolled off his side of the hotel bed. Getting up and popping out the dvd to instead open his bag and pull out a different one, a blank one with black sharpie having been scrawled on the front. Probably the title of the movie, Hugh couldn't tell. As Nate sat back down on the bed and lounged onto the pillows, the movie began with a hum of the dvr.
"You alright?" Nate's voice sounded over the song in the movie's credits, making Hugh jump and let out a yelp. "You… You're pale."
"Yeah! I'm okay- I'm fine, Nate." He nodded quickly, turning to look at Nate. "Just- Wow. Okay." He tried his best to grin over at his friend, but Nate raised an eyebrow and turned the TV's audio off.
"Cujo was too intense for you, huh?"
"No- No! I'm alright, Nate, really! I'm smiling-"
"You're Haunhcrows feet aren't showing, it's fake." Nate reached over and took one of Hugh's hands in both of his, tilting his head a little out of concern. DAMN him for being so- so- uhg! But when he looked up at Nate directly- fuck he couldn't help but feel his stomach knot into a little tight ball. If looking in someone's eyes for too long could kill, Hugh would be dead in a moment… He just-
//
-He has those cherry red eyes, Nate notes to himself. Taking this moment to just absorb what Hugh looks like. His skin is really soft, too, probably from wearing those gloves all the time. He kept searching in those eyes for the truth and was only overwhelmed by Hugh's obviously being scared shitless. The way he twitches around and turns at every sound. Hugh's always been finicky and a worrier, especially over his sister, Rosa and Nate himself. But this was more than just him being worried over Team Plasma bursting from nowhere and trying to hurt Nate again, after that whole situation with Ghetsis and the DNA splicer. Nate knew that for sure.
He could read Hugh like a little, cute novel.
Nate was never in denial of his feelings for his childhood best friend, plus he knew for a fact Hugh was about as straight as a remoras wiggling fins. So he knew he had a shot, at least. He was lucky for that, most stories of boy falls in love with childhood boy best friend usually end up with the best friend being straight. Plus he had Rosa and N to help him out. Even if N… Wasn't the best of help, especially in their more love-repulsed moods. Help was help, and he couldn't ask for better help than from his sisters and Hilbert!
Plus, even if he didn't have help. If he and Hugh could take down a terrorist group by themselves, he thinks he can chase a little crush. Well- little. He assumes if it lasts over two years its no longer a little crush, but deeply and madly in love. What could he say-
///
-What could he say, Nate was just… Incredible! Hugh would follow him to the ends of the earth, even if it met watching that Cujo movie a hundred times over, god what he'd do to just… Be held-
God that's… He's touch starved, ain't he? He's never felt this inclined to just lean into someone and stay there, even when it came to Nate. So he did, he leaned forward and went limp on his friend, feeling arms wrap around his torso and weight guide him to lay down. The more he thought about the situation, the more his thoughts went back to that killer stoutland and its bloodied snout-
He hadn't even realized he was whimpering and shaking that bad until Nate quietly hushed him, rubbing a hand up and down his back.
"Hey, Hugh, it's okay." He whispered, closed to his ear. "Nothings gonna hurt us while we're both here. You protect me so much and are so brave, nothing could get in our way and hurt us." He promised, and Hugh could feel the warm puffs of breath on his ear. It made his face warm up a little, Nate was just so close and he was being so nice.
So Hugh gripped onto Nate's jacket tighter and buried his face in the nape of his neck, simply staying there to be safe. Safe, safe. Nate was his safety, his rock. The light at the end of the tunnel that kept him going. He loves him, he knows that. But he didn't even realize he had said it until a quiet gasp and a mutter.
"I love you too, Dollface."
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taste of certainty - part four
Fandom: The Arcana Pairing: Julian Devorak x OC Apprentice (Syran Elkas) Tags: friends to lovers; modern times au; friend group dynamic; slow burn; pining; really just Julian being Julian and Syran being Oblivious Words: 8280 Warnings: mention of anxiety, migraines, insomnia, alcohol
part 1 2 3 4 5
playlist
Believing in something more than just the surface I trust that this is worth it, But my toes are hanging off the ledge
-trust, half-alive
IV. heavy storm
Everything hurts and everything seems blurry. Syran feels like she’s floating, her feet not touching the ground. She hears a mix of sounds, the clanking of metal, a voice urgently talking to someone, the shutting of a door. Something is tickling her face. She groans and opens her eyes, light disorienting her.
“Syran! Oh, god–”
She looks up towards the hurried voice and, finally, things come into focus. Ilya’s face looms above her, eyes so big and worried that she fears they might fall out of his skull. Everything is spinning. There’s someone else calling from– the floor?
“–lo? Ilya, is everything okay?”
“Just a second!” He yells at the floor, then starts moving. And Syran moves with him.
Oh, okay. He is carrying her.
He lays her down on something soft and Syran finally takes in her surroundings. She tries to sit up, but Ilya’s hand pushes her back. “Ah, ah, ah, no– stay down, okay?”
Another fit of pain to her head, Syran winces.
“Take deep breaths, you’re okay. You’re okay.” Whether Ilya is saying that to reassure her or himself, Syran doesn’t know.
“I’m going to grab my phone real quick, yeah? I’ll be back in a split second, please don’t get up.”
Syran vaguely nods and Ilya gets out of her vision. She recognises the ceiling of her apartment– how did she get here?
It slowly comes back together: the stars, Ilya, the walk, the migraine, Ilya, the person hitting her, her losing balance. Ilya. The pain in her head, a million times worse.
Ilya returns, kneeling by the couch. This time he’s got his phone lodged between his ear and shoulder, and some cloth in hand.
“Yeah, Nadia, we’re here– she’s awake–” he reaches the fabric to Syran’s forehead and she shies away at the contact. “It’s just water, don’t you worry, yeah? We’ll fix this, it’s nothing big.” Ilya reassures Syran, as the voice from the phone keeps talking underneath. “I’ll call you later, okay? Y–yes, I’ll take care of her– I’ve got a fucking medical degree, Nadia!” He hangs up, then reaches the newly free hand to cup Syran’s face.
“Can you talk?” he asks, voice now hushed, just for her.
“Y– yeah–” Syran mutters. “I think– so.”
Ilya smiles a little, relieved. “Good– that’s good.” He sighs, then looks around the room. “Do you have a first aid kit? A medical cabinet?”
Syran nods a little. Her head is about to blow up, she’s sure. “Bathroom– under the sink.”
“Okay, can you hold this here? Apply some pressure?”
Syran realises he’s still holding the cloth to her forehead, and she figures that’s why she felt something down her face. She’s bleeding. She tries not to let anxiety get the best of her and reaches up to do as told. Ilya covers her hand, fingers cool to the touch, and presses gently.
“Good, like this. I’ll be right back.”
Ilya takes care of her with delicate hands and gentle whispers, cleans her wound and bandages it, brings her water, holds some ice to her head. He reassures her all the way through, makes sure she’s okay until the end– until her head stops spinning and the pain calms down enough for her to slowly sit up.
He’s still crouched by the sofa, wide eyes looking up at her, his hands on her waist. Had she not felt like this, Syran would have overthought that touch, that contact– her heart would have made somersaults.
But right now, she can only think of one thing– sleep.
“How do you feel?” Ilya asks.
Syran huffs a laugh, “Like I hit my head.”
Ilya smirks, although worry doesn’t leave his face. “Well, yeah. But I told you before, you’ve got a strong skull there. You won’t need any stitches.”
Syran laughs a little again, reaches a hand up to where she feels the stinging pain, finding some gauze wrapped around her head instead.
“I wouldn’t touch that,” Ilya gently pulls her hand away, but doesn’t let go.
“You might have a concussion. Think you can stay up for a bit?”
“Uh– I guess.” She wants to sleep, really, but she should trust Ilya more than herself when it comes to medical advice. “What happened? There was a guy–“
“He was running and bumped into you, you hit your head on the concrete. I tried to call after him, but he was faster– I thought it better to stay with you.”
“Well, here ends my wrestling career.” She mutters, pain still making her feel dizzy.
Ilya chuckles, then gets up, sits next to her.
“I don’t want to scare you, but if you still feel bad in a bit I think we should go to the hospital.”
“Are you sure? I’m– I’m not that bad.”
“You hit your head pretty hard, Syran.”
His voice is soft, but serious. He sounds genuinely concerned, it warms her heart.
“Fuck– I have work to do tomorrow.”
“On a saturday?”
“Yeah– I can’t miss it. I need to go to bed.” She tries to get up but Ilya’s hands softly pull her from the waist and make so that she sits back down.
“No, no, no, missy, not until we’re sure you’re okay. Feeling sleepy is part of the symptoms.”
She feels frustrated. She enjoys his company, but– her bed calls.
“Ilya,” She whines. “I’m tireeed.”
“I know, but if your concussion is bad I’m not letting you hurt yourself more. How about we watch something? And drink some water.”
She pouts at him, but he doesn’t budge.
“Aight.” She resigns.
“Good, I’ll go get you water– don’t get up!”
“Yessir!” She mocks him, but it just makes him laugh.
A glass of water and an episode of The Bake Off later, Syran feels much better. Ilya made her take some painkillers too, which helped with the throbbing in her head. He sits close to her and has been asking her how she feels every now and then.
“I’m fine, Ilya. Much better, I swear.”
“Okay, okay– you sure? You don’t wanna go to the hospital? No more dizziness? Nausea?”
“No, doctor. Just the pain in the temple.”
“Good, okay– I mean, bad, I wish you weren’t hurting, but it’s good all the other stuff is gone.”
“No hospital, then?” She asks as the credits roll.
He sighs. “I’d still take you but if you’re sure you’re okay, then- some rest should do the trick.”
“Nice. Good.”
“So, ready for bed?” He asks, nonchalantly.
“I–uh–” for a second, Syran gapes at the various implications of his words. But then again, that is a perfectly normal question, given the situation. “Yeah– I need my pillows.”
Ilya lets out a small laugh, “That you do.”
He helps her get up and to her room. When they reach the door, he seems to hesitate.
Syran turns to him, small smile on her lips. “I’ll change myself, don’t you worry, Doctor.”
“I– uh– no- I was more thinking that you shouldn’t move your head much right now,” Ilya mumbles, clearly flustered.
“Can I at least wear pajama bottoms? Sleeping in jeans is a sin.”
That makes Ilya laugh and he finally lets her go. “Be careful, though.”
“Yep, yep,” Syran waves him off, closing the door behind her.
“I’ll– uh– I’ll wait here!” He exclaims from behind the door.
Syran slowly undresses, careful to her head, gently putting on her nightwear– really just some sweatpants and a hoodie. She looks at herself in the mirror: the smudged make-up, the faded lipstick, the bandages, bits of blood still sticking on her hair, the look of utter pain lingering on her face.
Well, she can’t look worse than this.
When she opens the door again, Ilya is pacing back and forth, typing aggressively on his phone.
“All done,” Syran says. Ilya’s head shoots up.
“Right, well, good, that’s good,” He takes her in, then his features soften. “You should rest now, really.”
“I guess so,” she smiles, then winces a little at another fit of pain.
Ilya immediately reaches for her. “Does it hurt again? Should I help you lay down?”
She nods and lets him help her to bed; he carefully props up a pillow for her and tucks her in under the duvet. It’s sweet, really. Syran’s heart is fluttering a little, under all the pain.
Then, a little meow fills the silence, paws pressing up into her side.
Amongst all this chaos, she had forgotten about Persephone.
“Ah, yes, it– it wouldn’t leave your side before either,” Ilya smiles at the cat. “What’s its name?”
“Persephone,” Syran reaches to pet her. The cat leans into her hand softly.
“She’s a good cat,” Ilya says.
“Yeah, can’t believe you never met her before,” Syran then moves her head slightly, looks at her nightstand. “Hey, can you– can you pass me that little plastic bag? It’s got makeup wipes in it.”
“Oh, sure–” Ilya does as told and passes her a wipe directly, then Syran slowly cleans her face off.
“I’ll get you some more water, okay?” Ilya asks, but before she can reply he’s already out the door. Syran finishes removing her makeup as best as she can, arm plopping down as soon as she’s done. She sighs, hoping for the throbbing in her head to subside soon.
Ilya comes back with water and some more pain relievers, she gulps the water down, then goes to clean her face some more. When she’s done Ilya looks at her and chuckles a little.
“What?”
“You’ve got– uh– some–uh, erm, can I?” He reaches for the wipe, still in Syran’s hand. She lets him take it. “You’ve got black smudged on your cheek”, he smiles fondly and leans down to wipe her face, hands ever so gentle.
Syran can’t help but be aware of his closeness this time. She looks at his profile, sharp and clean, his grey eyes focused on the task, hair falling down his face.
When he’s done, their eyes meet and Syran’s heart is in her throat. They’ve never been close like this.
She can see Ilya swallow, his hand still kind of hovering near her lips. Then, as if waking from a dream, he shoots back up.
“Well– I’ll– I’ll let you sleep then. Let me– let me know if you need anything. The pills will help with the pain when you wake up.” He clears his throat and turns to Persephone, pointing a finger at her, brow furrowed. “You keep guard, ‘kay?”
“She will,” Syran says, faint smile on her lips. Suddenly, exhaustion starts to take over her, as her body catches up to all the night’s efforts.
“Ilya?” She calls, as he walks towards her bedroom door.
“Mh?” He turns to her.
“Thank you– Uh. You’re– you’re really kind.”
Ilya smiles, “Just doing my job.”
Syran drifts off to sleep just as Ilya closes the bedroom door behind him, Perspephone purring beside her.
🂱
It’s still dark outside when Syran wakes up.
She slowly sits up, careful to the pain in her head. It makes her wince a little, but it’s not as bad as before. She looks around her room, soft moonlight peeking through the window, Persephone curled up and sleeping beside her.
Syran reaches for the water on her nightstand, notices the dirty makeup wipe next to it. She can’t help but smile. Stars know what would have happened to her if Ilya hadn’t helped her.
When she’s done with the water, though, she realises she’s still thirsty. Slowly, she pads out of bed, taking her time to do every little movement. Persephone looks up at her after a big yawn.
“I’m just getting water, I promise,” Syran says.
Persephone doesn’t move, but carefully follows her with her eyes as Syran exits her room.
She makes her way to the kitchen, doesn’t turn on any light– luckily the ones from outside are outlining enough of the apartment for her. A chill runs down her spine; the temperature is much colder.
She chugs down the second glass of water, then starts walking back to her room.
Just then, she hears it– a soft murmur. Someone almost– whining?
She turns to her right, where her couch is. A figure is laying on it, arm hanging from one side–
Fuck.
Ilya is still here.
She slowly makes her way to the front of the couch, notices how Ilya barely fits on the length of it, his feet hanging over the armrest. His boots are hastily thrown on the floor and his coat is loosely draped over him. His phone is on the floor too, next to his dangling hand.
His face is all scrunched up on one of the couch pillows, and now Syran is sure, he’s talking in his sleep. Not concrete enough words to make sense, just a murmur here and then. She doesn’t know what to do.
She wonders what in fresh hell made him decide to stay like this and not go home, but a voice deep at the back of her brain tells her she knows why. He clearly cares about her and wanted to make sure she’s okay.
Syran wants to half smack him, half hug him. She sighs.
She’s got a few throw blankets in her bedroom, so she quickly goes back, under Perspehone’s curious stare, and brings them to the living area.
Careful not to wake him up, she removes Ilya’s coat and drapes one of the blankets over him. His breath hitches at one point, which makes Syran freeze, but he doesn’t wake up. She slowly puts another one over him, making sure it covers enough for him to keep warm.
“–mail. Snail? Lovely– leaf eye.”
Syran stifles a chuckle at the weird mix of words coming out of Ilya’s mouth. Before she knows it, she reaches out to move some hair out of his face.
Then, he starts talking again and Syran immediately shoots away, startled. The hell was she thinking?
With the sudden movement, though, her head spins for a second, and she stumbles back. The back of her knee hits the coffee table, making the potted plants on it rattle. She almost falls on it, but she grabs ahold of herself.
“Shit–” She whispers, hand to her temple.
“—yran?”
She turns back towards Ilya, who’s looking up at her with half-lidded eyes. She crouches down to him.
“Hey– hey, Ilya, sorry– I–”
“‘re you okay?” He slurs, clearly still half asleep.
“Yes, yes I– I didn’t mean to wake you up,” She sighs, “You didn’t have to stay.”
He reaches for her cheek with his free hand. “I wanted to– you’re– I'm glad you’re safe.”
At this point Syran doesn’t know if the blood in her body spikes up because of everything that’s happening or because of how calmly Ilya does and says certain things, making her stomach turn upside down.
“I’m– I’m glad you were here to help–” She murmurs, reaching up to cup his hand.
Sleep is clearly heavy on both of them, Ilya’s lids barely holding open.
“ ‘nytime.” He smiles sweetly, as his eyes close again. “Anytime, for you.”
His hand slowly drifts back down, and Syran holds it all the way through. She doesn’t want to let go– it’s something like four in the morning and she hates to admit this to herself, but she wonders how it would feel to lay to sleep with him. How it would be to hold him through the night.
With a shake of her head, she carefully gets up, getting back to her bedroom.
It’s all in her mind. There’s nothing going on, right?
Right?
🂱
The next time Syran wakes up, is to her phone alarm. She groans and shuts it off immediately, checking the time.
7:30 am. Ugh. She’s got work.
There’s a few messages on her phone– more than a few, actually.
It all comes back to her.
All of her friends have contacted her, from Muriel to Nadia, all of them wishing her well, asking to call when she awakes, reassuring her. As she’s reading through them, a call from Asra sets the phone off.
“Mhmh?” she croaks.
“Oh god– oh god, you’re awake. Are you okay? Ilya isn’t picking up–” Asra sounds extremely worried, but there’s also relief in his words.
“I’m okay, hey, Asra– I’m fine,” Syran tries to sound as calm as possible. “I promise.”
“Right, yes, good.” He exhales, “Syran, I’m– I’m sorry. I feel like it’s my fault– if I hadn’t left you alone like that–”
“Hey, no, stop right there,” Syran reprimands him. “You have nothing to do with this. It could have happened anytime. And I wasn’t alone. It’s not your fault. Don’t you dare say that again, okay?”
Asra takes a pause, but when he speaks again he sounds more relieved, “Okay– okay.”
“How are you, anyway? With the whole– Valer–”
“I didn’t call to talk about me, S,” Asra counters. “I’m fine. We’ll talk about it when you’re better, all that matters now is that you’re okay.”
Syran can’t help but smile at his concern, “Understood. But really, I’m okay. Just a little scrape.”
“Ilya said it was a concussion–”
“Yeah, well– I guess. But I’m much better now.” She’s not lying, really. Things are not as fuzzy as last night, and definitely not as painful.
“He helped you, right? He took good care of you?” Asra sounds threatening, like the thought of Ilya not helping would be enough for Asra to send him to the gallows.
A flash of memories floods her again; the way Ilya handled things, how he reassured her, fixed everything. Made it better. The way he held her hands and cupped her cheek, tended to her with the utmost care. Her face grows warm for the millionth time this week.
“Yes, he–” she clears her throat. “He did. He was very kind.”
“Good, he better have been,” She can hear Asra relax again. “Is he there, still? He hasn’t come home.”
“Yeah, he’s– he’s here. I think.”
“You think?” Asra’s tone is edging on playful and she really doesn’t have the will to argue with him right now. “Or you know?”
She sighs. “Asra. He slept on the couch, last time I checked. Maybe he’s left, I don’t know.”
“Aw, he stayed to look over you, that’s cute.” Then his tone changes again. “And honestly if he hadn’t I would have killed him.”
“Stars, it was a small accident, not a car crash! I’m fine, Asra, seriously.”
“Okay, okay. I should get ready for work, I’ll come over later, okay?”
“Uh– no, I’ll see you there–”
“Don’t you dare show up to the office. Muriel’s calling there as we speak. You’re off for the day, please rest.”
Something in his voice tells her she’s better off not retaliating. “All right, all right, jeez.”
“Good. Now go check on your charming doctor, he’s probably going to eat his own hands in worry until he sees you stand up.”
“Shut up–”
“Toodles!” Asra hangs up before Syran can insult him. She shakes her head with a smile.
Persephone prances up in her lap.
“Good morning, cutie,” Syran grins at her.
Then, a gentle knock on the door.
“Uh– Syran? You awake? I– I heard you speak–” Ilya’s voice sounds hesitant.
“Yep, you can come in!” She says, letting Persephone go to slowly sit on the side of the bed.
“Oh– okay.” Ilya gingerly pokes his head into the bedroom, eyes quickly finding hers.
She smiles at him, “Goodmorning.”
“Goodmorning– I– uh– just wanted to check on you one last time.”
“You can enter, you know?” She laughs, then pats the spot beside her. “I promise I won’t bite.”
“Ha– right. Yeah. Sure.” His voice still sounds groggy, a little huskier than usual. Syran tries not to think about that.
When he sits down next to her, Persephone is quick to come around him and prance in his lap, meowing up at him.
“Ah, my assistant,” he smiles as he scratches her behind the ears.
“She was excellent,” Syran laughs.
“Good,” Ilya looks up at her, eyes soft. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. Better.” He doesn’t look convinced. “Really, Ilya. I probably would have been a lot worse if you hadn’t been there to help. I’m good.”
Ilya gapes at her for a second, then turns back to pet Persephone. She notices his ears are red, but she turns back towards her window, sunlight streaming through.
“I barely did anything, but– I'm glad,” he says. “I’m glad you’re safe.”
Syran thinks back at their small exchange in the middle of the night. Does he not remember?
“Ah and– thank you for the blankets. You didn’t have to. I assume you put them?”
“No, that was the house ghost, actually.” She teases him, bumping his shoulder. “And you didn’t have to either. Stay, I mean. You should have gone home and gotten proper sleep.”
He looks up at her, something akin to shock in his eyes. “I couldn’t have, I wouldn't– I wouldn’t have been able to sleep. I hope it didn’t bother you. That I stayed.”
“It didn’t,” she sighs, “I’m just sorry you went through all the trouble.”
“Syran, no–” Ilya scowls at her, “It was no trouble. At all. And not your fault either, that’s on the asshole that pushed you.” He looks genuinely angry at the thought. “I wanted to– I want to be there for you.”
Syran’s breath hitches, she doesn’t know what to say, not when he’s looking at her like that.
So, she just nods, tries to utter a thank you.
“And hey–” he adds, smirking. “I’m pretty sure your couch is more comfortable than my own bed.”
“That’s why we got it,” she laughs. “Want some coffee?”
Syran insists she make him some breakfast, too, before he leaves. It’s the least she could do, after all that.
It’s a little weird and a little natural, the way they casually chat, the way Ilya reaches for the mugs on the top shelf, the way he helps her anyway, because she’s still his patient, after all. It’s oddly domestic, surprisingly peaceful, it feels right, how easily they work together.
It’s confusing yet simple at the same time.
Ilya shows her how to clean her wound and gives her advice even as she ushers him out the door; Syran all smiles and promises, Ilya all apprehensive and considerate.
When Syran finally takes a shower – careful, careful to the wound, careful to the movements, just like Ilya told her– all she can do is smile. It might seem a bit jarring, considering the circumstances, but. She got to see a side of Ilya that she never thought much about.
Sure, she knew he was caring, she knew he put effort into his profession and studies, she knew he was thoughtful. She’s always been able to see that, through the deflecting humour and the charming grins.
Still, seeing him so– gentle, so attentive, so concerned for her wellbeing was– something else.
And then seeing him laugh, and pad behind her to help her in the kitchen, still throwing a careful eye to her every now and then; seeing him beside her like that. It made her realise how even before that, before all of the pain, she has always admired his resolve to stand up for his friends, to protect those he loves.
Seeing him look at her with a whirlwind of emotion passing through his eyes, just as that same whirlwind passed in her chest–
Syran doesn’t want to give into it, but she feels like she might not be imagining things after all.
🂱
It takes a few days, but Syran’s pain gets better. The wound on her temple is still there, but it’s healing pretty quickly now, which calms her down a lot. She ices it every now and then, and the days of rest she gets off work really help.
Things haven’t slowed down though. When she gets back, although her friends do ask her about her wellbeing, things get hectic quite quickly.
Syran tries to take a few more breaks when she’s allowed, which helps, but really it’s like there’s not enough time to get everything ready. So, today, she ends up working overtime.
The lights in the office have dimmed, last rays of sunshine peeking through the big window. There are not many people left with her, only Varya and two other of her colleagues. After a while, Varya walks up to her as Syran is checking for the umpteenth time that the graphics for the new packaging are correct.
“Hey, we’re about to go get some drinks, do you want to come? You’ve been doing a lot today.” Varya smiles kindly and Syran ponders on her offer. She is a little hungry and her headache has slowly increased in the past hour.
“I don’t know, honestly–” She frowns. “I think I’ll just be knocked out after all this. I’ll let you know if I change my mind, though? Thank you for telling me.” She smiles, genuinely appreciating Varya’s offer.
“Sure, text me when you get home, though. Don’t stay too late!” Varya preaches teasingly, then pats her on the back and walks out of the office, the sound of her heeled boots fading along the corridor.
When she’s left alone in the room, Syran realises just how tense her shoulders are, how much she’s slouching forward towards the computer screen, how her eyes are strained and dry. Even her scar is making itself heard, slightly throbbing in pain.
Syran sighs, trying to relax back into her chair. She looks up at the ceiling and takes a few deep breaths, trying to let out a little bit of her anxiety. It’s been a while since she excessively struggled with it, but days like this are not easy on her. She really wants to do a good job and now that she is in charge of a lot of things the responsibilities heavily weigh down on her.
She slows her breathing, notices that her hands are shaking a little, so she closes her eyes and tries to focus only on the rise and fall of her stomach. Slowly but surely, it calms her down. When she opens her eyes the air doesn’t feel so suffocating anymore.
Just then, her phone vibrates with a call.
The screen reads Ilya’s name and her chest is back to feeling anxious. But this time it’s a little different. Not as stressful, but surprised, rather. Almost– excited.
“Hey,” she breathes out. “What’s up?”
“Hey,” Ilya replies, “Just. Uh– I wanted to check up on you. How’s your wound feeling?”
Syran can’t help but feel touched by his words. He’s been sending her texts now and then the past few days, even if just to remind her to take it easy, or to clean the wound at the end of the day, or to share some funny thing that happened to him. Syran soon realised just how much they helped her and how much she started looking forward to them.
“Better,” She twirls in her chair. “Honestly, the headache hurts more.”
Ilya clicks his tongue, “You really should get those checked out. You get them way too often.” He sounds positively concerned, if not a little frustrated, even.
Syran chuckles, endeared by his tone. “It’s okay, doctor. I’ve had these for a while now, I know how to deal with them.”
Ilya’s tone doesn’t change. “Still, recurring migraines are not to be taken lightly. They can really be debilitating, I’m sure you know that. Is it a chronic condition? It sounds like it might be, I can– I can get someone at the hospital to treat you, if you want, my mentor is amazing in their field–”
“Ilya,” She interrupts him, “Breathe. I’m okay. I’m used to it.”
She can almost see his frown on the other side of the line. “You shouldn’t be. I– I wish you weren’t.”
God, she wants to take her heart out of her chest because it’s just choking her a little too much now. She tries really hard not to give much meaning to his worry. He’s her friend, he’s in the medical field, of course he wants to help, of course he’s concerned. He’d be like this with everyone else, she’s sure.
“That’s–” she clears her throat. “That’s sweet of you, but trust me, I’ll be fine. All I need is some good food and peaceful sleep.”
She’s not sure she can get the latter since she’s been having even more trouble with staying asleep during the night, but she can still hope.
“Well, I actually thought– uh. Wait. Are you done with work? You’re done, right?”
“Not really,” she sighs, looking at her computer screen. “Doing overtime today. Trying to get a headstart since Thursday we launch a new line.” She scoffs, tired. “I’m the only one left in the office, but it’s oddly calming.”
“Syran,” Ilya deadpans, tone almost scary.
“Ye– yeah?” She asks, wondering where this is going.
“I strongly insist you stop,” he warns, but she can tell there’s no real intention behind it. “You have to rest.”
She laughs. “Is that a threat?”
“Yes. Don’t make me use my mean doctor voice.”
She can’t help but laugh again. “Oh, I should listen, then.”
“Yes,” He says, but then his tone suddenly gets lighter. “Please?”
His plea almost gets to her. She really appreciates his concern, and– god. Honestly, she wishes he was with her right now. There’s no point in denying it.
Maybe it is a crush.
“I will, I will. Just have to finish one more thing and then I’ll go home.”
“Good. You better.” He reprimands. Syran smiles.
“I promise, I’ll send you a picture of Persie when I get there, if that will make you believe me,” she teases.
“Well, I will accept cat pictures anytime of the day, so,” he plays along, solemnly. “But– actually, huh. Have you eaten yet?”
Syran fiddles with a pencil, thinking when’s the last time she ate. “Not really, some colleagues asked me to go for drinks, but I’m not feeling it. Might just go to bed, to be honest. Too lazy to eat.”
“Well, too bad, guess I’ll have to throw away this extra chinese food I bought.”
“Uhhh. What?”
Oh god, if he really means what she thinks he means she might just hide under her desk and never crawl out.
Ilya laughs, but sounds nervous, “I called because. Well– I was going to check up on you and then I remembered you like chinese food, so I thought– you know, I– I thought I’d bring you some, figured you needed the extra care. Uh– since you’ve been having a hard time and all.”
Syran is going to die, right now this instant, she is going to plummet into the ground, twenty floors below, and bury herself under the pavement. Her cheeks are going wild.
She genuinely doesn’t know what to say except that if she could she’d materialise next to him right now, but at the same time she wants to run away and never see anyone ever again. She’s had crushes before, sure, but with Ilya it’s like– one moment she thinks she can handle it, and the next it just bursts inside her. Curse him and his kindness, and compassion, and dorky jokes, and handsome face.
Fuck.
“Uh. That is if that’s okay. Is that okay? I don’t want to overstep, I just thought–”
She should be dead right now.
“No, that’s okay! That’s completely fine, I actually– uh. I really appreciate it.”
Stars, the amount of times this happens. The number of times Ilya does or says something nice and completely unexpected and she’s so floored she takes ages to reply. And then, being the considerate person he is, he doubts himself and Syran wants to scream even more. Fuck, if this was Asra, or Pasha, or literally anyone else, it would be okay. It would be normal. She’d appreciate it, and hang out with them, and get distracted, and be fine. And it would all be okay.
But it’s Ilya, so her brain has to speed up and go in overload and overthink everything. Of course, it does.
“Oh, okay. Uh. Nice. So, I could come and pick you up? At work, that is. If you want.”
Right, because there’s nothing healthier for her heart right now than to be in a car with Ilya, in close proximity with Ilya, go home with Ilya, and eat chinese food with Ilya. Maybe she already died. Maybe this is some twisted version of purgatory. Either way, her heart is about to stop.
“Sure– thank you. I appreciate it.”
“Good, because I’m already, like, ten minutes away,” he chuckles.
Yeah, no, she’s done for.
🂱
Surprisingly, the car ride is a lot easier on her heart than Syran thought it was going to be.
After the initial awkwardness and small talk, she and Ilya just find themselves humming along to a song on the radio, which soon turns into a full-blown karaoke session. And just like that, it’s fine. Syran munches on a few spring rolls on the way because her stomach rumbled so loud that Ilya practically threatened to stop the car and wait unless she ate something right away.
Ilya pulls into her apartment complex’s driveway as they’re still laughing about some dumb joke he made about oranges. They’re still happily chatting in the elevator as they hold way too much chinese food in their hands. They’re still smiling when they walk into Syran’s apartment and Persephone welcomes them with insistent meows, demanding pets and attention. They share simple words and comfortable silence as they set everything on the table, stomachs ready to eat.
It’s all okay. It’s all fine.
It’s nice and smooth, and yes her chest is pounding and she can’t stop thinking about every little thing he does, but it’s fine. Spending time with Ilya feels like the world has stopped, she decides. Ilya and his deep, throaty laugh that goes five pitches higher whenever he finds something really funny for too long. Ilya and his hands, slender and careful, sure like death and taxes, he said once. Ilya and his eyes, always picking up on everything, but never revealing much. Ilya and his awkwardness whenever he feels too shy, Ilya and the way he recovers from that even though everyone can read through his bravado. Ilya and his all-encompassing hugs, Ilya and his thoughtful words, Ilya and his jokes, Ilya and his smile. Just– Ilya. Ilya. Ilya.
His name sounds like a song.
Everything is him and her sitting at the table, eating after a long day, soft music in the background, sun long gone, and nothing else matters.
Nothing else matters.
“That’s ridiculous! How can anyone say that?” Syran laughs before biting into the last of her dumplings. “Seriously, you’d think in this time and age people would know better than to make a sexist joke.”
Ilya joins her in the laugh, “I know, right? Like, the whole class went dead silent and didn’t laugh, then when I asked to explain it he was all like. Oh, I mean– I guess– I uh, well– maybe it was a little insensitive.” Ilya lowers his pitch and tries on a creaky voice, clearly imitating his professor.
It makes Syran snort and she has to cover her mouth in fear of spitting her food out.
“That’s where it got hilarious though, he just got all red either from anger or embarrassment, I’m not sure.” Ilya shakes his head, smile lingering on his face as he searches for a piece of meat in his noodles.
When the food is all done and cleaned up, leftovers neatly packed on the counter, Syran makes some tea for the both of them. It’s getting a little late and she stifles a yawn as she brings the mug to Ilya, back to sitting at the table.
Ilya notices, because of course he does.
“Maybe I should go, it was a long day for you.”
Syran shakes her head, maybe a little too vehemently. “I don’t mind! At least finish the tea. I sleep badly anyway.”
He raises an eyebrow at her, “That doesn’t convince me more, Elkas.”
“Seriously, it’s fine.” Syran laughs once more, then takes a sip from her mug. She’s grateful he doesn’t ask about her insomnia, though, she’s not sure she wants to think about that right now. When she glances back at Ilya, he’s looking at her with an odd glint in his eyes.
“What?” Syran asks.
He opens and closes his mouth, like he’s pondering whether to say something or not.
“Nothing, I just–” He frowns a little at her, like he’s trying to decipher her features. “Ah, it’s stupid, nevermind.” He shakes his head. But Syran won’t let go that easily.
“Ok, now you have to tell me,” she teases.
Ilya looks down at his mug like if he stares at it long enough he will be able to hide in it.
“I just– I haven’t felt this calm in a while,” He smiles, still without meeting her eyes. For a second, she feels like he read her mind. “Truth is, I’ve been struggling to keep up in university, mostly whenever we do sessions in the hospital. I always feel like I need to go faster, do more, be more. Like– like I’m never achieving enough. ” His brows knit and Syran’s heart aches a little.
She knows that feeling too well. While her life isn’t at its worst at all right now, she’d be lying if she said there aren’t many moments like that still. That there haven’t been any moments like that ever. She’s experienced most of them back in her university years, getting her degree was so stressful that she can’t even remember how many times she found herself in her room, panicking, crying, trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure out where she was going wrong. Where she was going wrong with her relationship, where she was going wrong with her life. Never enough.
Sometimes work feels like that too and it brings back ugly feelings.
“But right now I don’t feel that, it’s like I can breathe a little, like–” Ilya continues, finally looking at her– she can tell he’s blushing. Fuck, god, she’s definitely blushing too. He chuckles nervously. “It’s nice. To be here, like this. With you.”
She’s going to die. She’s definitely about to die. She’s dead and this is nowhere in hell or heaven or in-between, this is just Ilya sitting in the kitchen with her, like frozen in a picture.
She can only hear the thrum of her heart, she can only see Ilya’s eyes, she can only feel the warmth of his body on the other chair, so close to her, yet so far apart. She manages to come to her senses enough to gather a reply.
“Yeah,” she swallows, nodding, as if that will bring her back to the ground. It doesn’t. “Me too. I– I get how you feel. It’s frustrating when the world makes you feel– so small.” She looks at the table, the smooth texture of what coated it once now long gone, leaving rough wood behind, unpolished, consumed in different spots. She feels like that, sometimes. Rough at the edges, full of splinters, and been through so much all she is now is exposed skin. Doing her best to hold it together.
She looks up at Ilya, ribcage too small for everything she’s feeling. “But. Yeah, this is nice. To be here. With you.”
“Good to know,” Ilya smiles. It’s small, but slowly gets bigger. She can’t look away from him, she probably has to, or else she will explode. It’s like he’s inching closer. Is he inching closer? Is it a trick of the light?
No, it isn’t because he definitely is. This is happening. It’s happening and Syran is going to let it happen. She doesn’t know what else to do, she doesn’t want to do anything else.
There’s only Ilya, Ilya and his lips, Ilya and his hand crawling up the back of her chair, Ilya getting so, so close. There’s only him, and her, and nothing else.
It’s just Ilya, beautiful, smart, charming Ilya.
His name sounds like the waves.
They’re about to kiss. And Syran is going to let it happen.
Or maybe not.
The sound of the door unlocking open breaks whatever spell they were under. Ilya shoots back, sitting upright in his chair, eyes wide and downcast like he wants to crawl under the table from the scare. Syran stares at him for a second more, dazed.
“Honey, I’m home!” Ran’s voice echoes through the room. Syran turns towards the entrance, her friend’s eyes tired but an unmistakable grin on her face. “Oh– hello!” She gapes for a second when she notices Ilya sitting next to Syran.
“Hello, Ran,” he waves. Ran’s eyes dart between the two of them, but before she can say anything else, Syran shoots up and runs to hug her.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I forgot you were coming back earlier!” Syran pulls away, holding her shoulders, genuinely happy to see her friend again. “How was the journey? Your parents okay? Are you hungry? There’s some leftovers–”
“Hey, hey, calm down!” Ran laughs. “Let me take my jacket off first!”
It’s weird, but the air diffuses a little when they talk a bit about Ran’s trip, just small, idle chatter. Ilya asks some questions, genuinely interested as he finishes his tea– almost chugs it, really. Then Ran excuses herself to go take a shower because she’s beat.
Syran knows she did that mostly to leave the two of them alone to say goodbye; Syran dreads the conversation she knows will follow later with her. In the meantime, though, all she can think of is how awkwardly Ilya stands next to her, all nerves, shoulders hunched. She can’t help but notice how much further apart they are now, how different the air feels. Something stings in Syran’s chest. She wonders if that split moment between them was even real. Maybe she imagined it.
Maybe they were never going to kiss.
God, the thought of that. Of kissing Ilya. She’s had it before, but. Now it feels so incredibly real and so incredibly farfetched at the same time.
“I– uh. Thank you for having me over,” he mutters, polite smile on his face.
“Sure, no problem. Thank you for rescuing me from work.” She tries, her mouth running before her brain can. That’s a stupid thing to say.
Ilya laughs, it’s still nervous, but not as much as before, “Anytime.”
Her brain can’t help but remember.
Anytime, for you.
Ilya leaves her with a wave, his distinct perfume made of musk and clean linen whooshing after him.
Syran feels like he took something of hers with him, too.
🂱
She is on her laptop when Ran knocks on her bedroom door. When Syran allows her in, Ran is wearing her cosiest pyjama and her hair is still damp from the shower.
“Feeling better?” Syran smiles, putting aside her laptop as Ran sits on the side of the bed. Persephone makes her way to her with a small meow.
“Much better, I was sore all over,” She sighs. “Man, a week helping my parents with the farm and my body is already done with it. I don’t know how they do it.”
“Remember that one summer we tried to trim your horses’ hooves?” Syran laughs.
Ran joins her, wide eyes in realisation. “Oh my god, yeah! What were we, fifteen? What a mess.”
“Yeah, I still have nightmares about that.”
“Oh, come on, Babette was just scared.”
“Yeah, and she scared me in return.”
Ran laughs again, Syran smiles with a shake of her head, remembering their time as unruly teenagers. When the mood calms down, Ran turns to her with raised eyebrows.
“So?”
“So?” Syran echoes.
“Well. Ilya was here.”
Oh fuck.
Okay, Syran should have seen this coming, really, given how and when she came in, but. Ugh. She tries not to give herself away. “Yes, and?”
“Well, you tell me.” Ran smirks.
“Oh god, not you too.” Syran buries her face in her hands.
Ran huffs a laugh, clearly way too amused. “What do you mean not me too?”
“I already have Asra and Pasha on my case, so before you ask– no, there’s nothing between us, no, there won’t be anything, no, I do want to kiss him.” Syran looks up from her hands and almost yells, eyes wide and blood rushing up to her cheeks. “I MEAN I DON’T. I DON’T WANT TO KISS HIM.”
“Hm.”
She groans, resigned to Ran’s enquiring stare. “It’s just– ugh, fuck. I just. I don’t know. You know? ”
“Oh boy, you're really gone huh?”
“Please don’t tell the others.” Syran sighs.
“From what you tell me I don’t really have to.”
“Yeah, but– ugh.” Syran shakes her head. “I feel so pathetic, he’s– he’s got so much going on for him, and like, it’s weird, right? Isn’t it weird?”
“Why would it be?” Ran asks, brow knotted.
“I don’t know– like. He’s part of the group and all. We’re all friends and I feel– I feel like this shouldn’t happen.” She groans again, head thrown back to her headboard.
“Syran.” Ran’s tone is a lot more serious now.
“Mh?” Syran asks without moving her head.
“Stop blaming yourself for having feelings. Not everyone is like Diana. Ilya has done nothing but care for you. He literally took care of you when you got hurt.”
At that, Syran’s eyes go wide. She didn’t think Ran was going to bring her up. Diana was– in a lot of ways, she was a mistake. They started dating halfway through her second year of university, and it was all fine at first. They really liked each other. Then, Syran’s insecurities (courtesy of her mother) started to show themselves more and more and Diana– didn’t take that so well. She started making Syran feel bad for everything, started blaming her for not being able to leave the house sometimes, started demanding more and more. Syran couldn’t give that to her. Not in the state she was.
Syran hasn’t been able to open up to someone in that way since. To trust her gut in the same way when it comes to romantic feelings. And although she knows Ilya is nothing like that– what if she screws it all up anyway?
Anxiety is starting to well up inside her, threatening to burst out. “Yeah, but. But what if– I don’t know. What if he’s just, you know. Acting like a friend. Because, I mean, he is, we’re friends and– that’s what friends do, right? And what if I open up like that again and. You know.” She looks back at her friend and she’s sure that Ran knows exactly what’s going through her head right now.
“Syran, I get it. And yes, you’re friends, but– you’re friends with everyone else too, right? And everyone has been lovely and understanding and they’ve known you for years, longer than Diana ever has. We all love you and understand you because we’re mature and not needy assholes.”
Syran laughs at that, then finds herself sniffing. God, was she about to cry over this?
Ran continues. “Listen, sometimes he looks at you like– I don’t know, like you’re the only person in the room. I’ve never seen Diana look at you like that. Or anyone else you’ve dated.” Ran smiles fondly. “The only reason everyone’s on your case is because you’ve been too blind to see it all this time.”
Syran’s blood suddenly rushes up, everywhere, head to toe. “Wh– all this time? What do you mean? Ran, I genuinely think he’s just being nice. And– and my feelings. I don’t want to do anything about them– I’m not even sure I understand them, I–”
“Babe, I love you, but–” Ran reaches out to put a hand on Syran’s leg, covered by the duvet. “You’re either incredibly dense, or incredibly in denial. You guys were literally about to kiss before I came in.”
“We–we weren’t!” Syran’s eyes get even wider, heart racing just at the thought of everything that could have happened. “Okay, maybe we were. I’m honestly not sure. It felt like– like everything was in slow motion.”
Ran smiles, but this time it’s understanding. “I say you shouldn’t hold yourself back anymore.”
Yeah, like that’s easy. Just before she falls asleep that night, her phone vibrates with a text. Ilya’s name lights up the screen and Syran’s heart swells in return.
From: dr. devowreck
hey, just wanted to thank you for tonight. I enjoyed it. I hope you’re doing well. I mean, like, with your headache and all. And work And in general i guess Uh, okay, goodnight, take care
Syran starts smirking at his words, but then embarrassment flushes her and she finds herself staring at the screen, brain empty of an answer, with no idea how to take that in.
To: dr. devowreck
Ah, it’s no biggie, the food was good And the company too i guess ahah Anyway, yeah, thank you. goodnight!
No one mentions anything. It ends there. Maybe they weren’t about to kiss. Or maybe he realised that it shouldn’t have happened at all and it’s sparing her the embarrassment of turning her down by pretending nothing happened.
Maybe– maybe she’s a fucking mess.
#an writes#fic writing#the arcana fic#julian devorak#portia devorak#syran elkas#julianxapprentice#julianxsyran#ilya devorak#the arcana apprentice#the arcana game#asra alnazar#muriel the arcana#just one more chapter to go#syran is a mess#sorry#part 4#hurt/comfort
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FIST FIGHTING WITH FIRE
chapter III
Pairing: Mason x f!Detective (Alice Santos)
Warnings: Book 3 demo SPOILERS!!! Cursing, some angst, mentions of sex, a guy being a creep™, I guess. Sorry if there are any mistakes!
Word count: ~1.8k
Summary: A week after that scene on Haley’s Bakery, Mason deals with the aftermath of his words... Or has he been dealing with it since the very moment he said them?
Read on ao3
chapter I ⭐ chapter II ⭐ chapter IV ⭐ chapter V
☾ 一一一一一一一一一 ☽
Outside the bar
"Can we just… not do this?" Alice spoke into the phone, her free hand running through her red hair and messing the waves she had carefully done that evening. A sigh from the other end of the line indicated her mother's reluctance to let it go.
"You seemed to be perfectly integrated with the Unit some days ago, and this week you made up a meeting with the Captain just to avoid coming to the warehouse."
Alice cringed, not her finest moment. "Look, I'm with them now, having a drink together. We're fine. Everything's fine."
"Does this have anything to do with what's been going on with Mason?"
Hearing his name made the detective snap. "Wait, is this you being a mother or being a boss?" She spat, venom on her every word. "Because you've barely gained the right to meddle in my life as either of those things."
The silence was deafening, and Alice's heartbeat kept getting faster and faster. "You weren't there when Bobby broke my heart, you don't have to be here now." Her voice cracked as she finished the sentence and she had to clear her throat.
"Is that what happened? Mason broke your heart?" Tears threatened to spill out of her green eyes at the genuine concern on Rebecca's voice.
"No, he didn't." She answered with a whisper, rebuilding her carefully placed walls.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am. I have to go, they are waiting for me."
"Alice, wait, tell me -"
She finished the call and stared at the phone's screen for a few seconds, taking calming breaths and trying to swallow the tears. The Unit would pick up on any change in her mood so she better calm down fast.
"Detective Santos. That looked intense."
She turned around quickly, finding the bearded man they were discussing inside before her mother called. Alice cleared her throat and offered a wobbling smile. "Kinda. Mr Rogers, wasn't it?"
"Please, call me Owen." He said, a wolfish smile on his lips as he offered his hand to her. Alice couldn't help but think of all the times the smirks Mason threw her way had seemed wolfish to her, and how different the chill she felt going down her spine was to the one she was feeling now.
Still, she was the detective of this town, so she shook his hand as professionally as she could. He took advantage of the situation to pull her slightly towards him, making her stumble on her heels and gaining a frown from her.
"I couldn't exactly walk up to you inside, surrounded by those guys. Popular, aren't you?"
Alice pulled her hand away and took a step backwards, creating some distance. "Those are my friends. And I would carefully think about what you say next if I were you, because so far you're doing a terrible job at flirting with me."
Owen blinked, slightly taken aback by her brashness, but recovering quickly and assuming she was challenging him. He didn't know he had picked the worst moment to annoy the detective, who usually was rather friendly and generous with her smiles. But the night had been a whirlwind of emotions and she was feeling irritated, miserable and ready to either go home and curl into the bed or get back inside and get shit faced drunk. Definitely not in the mood to deal with this man.
"I'm just saying you've probably let some of them get a taste." His grin widened, eyes travelling down her body. "Thought maybe I could be next. I'm sure I could teach you a couple of things… or maybe you could show me what you can do."
She opened her mouth to reply when a low growl interrupted her, making Owen turn around and allowing Alice to see Mason standing there, fists clenched and eyes narrowed, lips curled in a snarl. He looked dangerous, even more so than he usually did, and Alice tried to look at him from a stranger's eyes. Everything in his body and expression was screaming 'predator'. It would be the kind of situation where your body asks you to run even if you aren't sure about why you should be running. You just know you should. But she didn't feel fear, his anger was not directed towards her. She felt a thrill going through her body at his presence, forgetting her bruised heart for a moment.
"What the fuck did you just say to her?" The words were still growled as he stepped forward, and Owen took a step backwards, nearly colliding with the detective, who moved aside and around him. Mason reached out a hand to her, not moving his stormy gaze from the bearded man. Not even thinking, she slipped her hand into his and he gently moved her closer until she was tucked against his side. The detective had expected Mason to push her behind him, not keeping her by his side. She felt both of their bodies relaxing slightly at the touch, as if being close to each other was the only thing they needed in the world.
Owen looked at them with slight fear in his eyes. He could swear he had seen a glimpse of inhumanly big fangs when the long-haired man snarled. Mason's hand rested on her waist and her manicured one grabbed his shirt, his dark hair falling down his face and getting mixed with her red locks, tickling her cheek. He looked at him as if he was about to rip him apart, and the look on the detective's face let him know she would very much allow it… maybe even help him.
"Look," he croaked, "I didn't know she was with you. No harm done, okay?"
But his words didn't have the desired reaction. Another growl, and his snarl widened. It was taking all his self control not to pounce on this guy, but he knew he shouldn't. "So it was okay to be a creep to her when you didn't know? But suddenly a bad idea now you know she's my girl?"
Mason didn't miss the way her heart leaped inside her chest at his words and a pang of satisfaction almost made him shudder. If he hadn't been so fucking angry at the man standing before them he would have probably gotten goosebumps at the way she subtly pressed herself closer before speaking.
"You gotta learn how to treat women like human beings, you fucking dirtbag. If I see you creeping on anyone of this town I'll have you arrested for harassment."
The man nodded enthusiastically as he took another step backwards. Mason rolled his eyes with a huff.
"One of us is gonna kick your ass if you don't get lost. Now."
That was enough, and in a few seconds they were left alone in the street. Mason relished on her closeness, the scent of her honey scented shampoo tickling his nose, the warmth of her body expanding through their clothes and seeming to reach inside him. But she cleared her throat and he lost it all. She took a step away from him and the hand that had been resting on her waist fell limp to his side.
"Thank you. It would have been awkward if the detective of the town punched a newcomer in the dick." She chuckled awkwardly. "So, you know, thank you."
"You already said that."
She met his eyes and his forced grin let her know he was trying to mess with her to lighten the mood.
"Right. We should, uh, go back." She moved to walk past him, but his long fingers curled around her forearm and she spinned around to meet his face, now suddenly serious. He opened his mouth and closed it, his brow furrowed as if what he was about to say was too difficult to say it out loud. His fingers loosened their grip and Alice thought he was going to let her go. Of course he was going to let her go. He wouldn't face the way he hurt her because that would mean he accepted they had something worth saving. Her eyes dropped to his grip, wanting to watch, forcing to accept, he was never going to make her stay.
But his fingers tightened with new force, and her gaze snapped back to his face.
Grey eyes, tempestuous with emotion, stared at her, moving wildly through her features before he finally found the words.
"Don't go."
Her breath caught on her throat at the thought that he wasn't just talking about going inside.
He feels those things, alright. You gotta be patient while he figures them out.
Felix's words echoed inside her mind. The seconds that went by seemed to last an eternity, before she nodded slowly. Mason's shoulders dropped as he exhaled, as if a great weight had been lifted off them.
"Okay, Mason."
Meanwhile, inside the bar
"Maybe one of us should have gone outside to mediate." Nate sighed, staring inside his glass of scotch. "Those two aren't exactly good at sharing how they feel."
"Who knows." Felix shrugged, a grin widening in his face. "Maybe they're already back at Allie's apartment."
"Why would they…? Oh." Nate realised, eyes widening.
"They say the bigger the fight, the best the make up sex gets." Felix wiggled his eyebrows. "If that's true, they're in for a hell of a night."
Nate cringed, very much wishing Felix hadn't put that image of his friends inside his brain. "Ugh. I just hope Mason finds a way to fix whatever he's done without hurting her anymore."
"She knew what she was getting into by getting involved with someone like Mason." Adam said matter of factly. "He doesn't really try to hide his brashness."
Nate nodded, Mason was all sharp edges and bluntness, while the detective was much softer, gentle. It was easy for someone like her to get cut while trying to hold on to someone like him. Maybe it was a matter of how many cuts and wounds she could resist before letting go. But he liked to believe that wouldn't happen - instead, her softness would envelope his sharpness, showing him a side of himself he didn't even know it existed. A small smile bloomed on Nate's face as the thought.
"I think they both have to learn how to be around each other now that their relationship is changing."
Adam shrugged, but Felix let out a dreamy sigh. "You're such a romantic, Natey. Mason would learn so much from you if he didn't get nauseous every time he thinks about love."
Nate chuckled. "You know, maybe that's about to change."
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A/N: Let me know if you want to be tagged in the future! Thank you for reading, feedback is appreciated 😍
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