#IT LOOKS SO UGLY AND UNPLEASING TO ME I HATE IT ACTUALLY

[untitledgoosegay]

re last reblog I do see fanfic culture pushing/replicating a certain model of "what trauma looks like," "how trauma works"

this is a problem across all areas of society obviously, but transformative works are, well, transformative. they're about crafting and modifying narratives where the fan-creator sees a flaw or a lack -- often for the better! don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of "I take a hammer and I fix the canon," it's the main thing that gets my creative gears spinning -- but what happens when that "flaw" is simply a narrative not conforming to popular expectations?

some people just don't get PTSD from events that sound obviously traumatic. they're not masking, and they're not coping; they just straight-up didn't get the permanently-locked stress-response that defines PTSD. they walk away from a horrible experience going "well, that sucked, but it's over now." some people do get PTSD from events most people wouldn't find traumatic. we don't really know why some people get PTSD and others don't. but fandom has an idea of events that must be traumatizing, of a "correct" way to portray trauma. you see the problems with this lack of understanding in e.g. fans pressuring the devs of Baldur's Gate 3 to add dialogue where the player character badgers Halsin about his own feelings on his abuse -- because he must be traumatized, and his trauma must fit a certain mold and presentation of sexual trauma, under the mistaken impression that anything outside that narrow window is somehow "wrong" and disrespectful or even harmful to survivors.

take, for another example, the very common trope of a traumatized character who hates touch or sex "learning" to like touch or sex as a part of their healing process. certainly that can be healing for some people; other people will never like, or want, touch or sex, because of trauma or because they just don't. the assumption that someone who doesn't want sex or doesn't like to be touched must be traumatized, must be suffering from this perceived lack, is seriously harmful -- to asexual people, to people with sensory issues around touch, and to people for whom healing from trauma means freedom to refuse sex or touch.

and there's a secondary trope, one that's slightly more thoughtful but ultimately repeats the problem -- that once someone has learned that their boundaries will be respected, they'll feel it's safe to soften those boundaries. once they feel safe refusing touch or sex, they'll feel comfortable allowing it on their own terms. but many people don't, and many people won't! many people will simply never want to be touched, and never want sex, and they are not suffering or broken or lacking because of it. the idea that proving you'll respect someone's boundaries entitles you to test those boundaries -- the paradox is obvious, and yet this is something i've seen hurt (re-traumatize) people i care for.

people are imperfect victims. people don't heal in the ways you expect. many people have positive memories of their abuse, of their abusers. many people hurt others in the course of their trauma, in ways that can't easily be unpacked in a 5k oneshot. very few narratives of trauma and recovery actually fit the ones put forward by popular children's media and romance novels -- which are the ones I most see replicated in fandom spaces, because they provide the clearest narrative and easiest catharsis, and so they're easy and soothing to reach for.

that's not necessarily a bad thing! i am not immune to goopy romance tropes. i am not immune to teary catharsis. not every fic has to grapple with ugly realities. but there's a problem when these narratives become predominant, when people think they're accurate and realistic depictions of trauma, when the truth of trauma is unpleasant and uncomfortable, and doesn't fit any single narrative, let alone one of comforting catharsis

[blasphemecel]

ngl still being a kaiser fan after 261 is lame

Omg this ask got me so tight when I got to it I had to hop on mylaptop to type my essay

Ok this is a little Personal and some of yall aren gonna fuck with me after this but it's ok . Kaiser is a character I identify with because he's a good portrayal of someone with NPD so WE WILL GET INTO IT!

So like that being said. What do you mean 'Still liking Kaiser after the leaks is lame' like genuinely what do you mean. I just woke up but are you guys like SURPRISED by this. I liked him when he was introduced and this is what he was acting like. There have been A HUNDRED more chapters of him acting the same way past introduction. And now he's still acting like it. I understand if you just hate him right off the bat that makes sense but this doesn't really. Even if you're one of those people who just liked him for the backstory reveal because you have a I Can Treat You Better hero complex re:abuse victims that behavior WAS shown EVEN IN 260. "I hit the ball but it doesn't hit back" - the author has a very specific way of writing and this was VERY much intentional

Also like I understand there might be an initial shock when reading such words. Like it's Unpleasant it's Ugly. But also it boils down to a State of mind which personally I've observed as common among victims of severe trauma. "These people are born 'humans'. Different from me, they were born 'wanted humans'." = I hate people who weren't hurt the same way I was because I am jealous and bitter, I'm so jealous and bitter it feels good to me to make others feel like shit. And I'm not trying to get on some Hurt People Hurt People bullshit because that shit is annoying and apologia but what I'm trying to say is that sometimes Trauma makes you unpleasant and ugly and erratic and I appreciate that Kaneshiro actually wrote it out. Also like that feeling by itself isn't inherently evil. I think it's a very natural response! In this case Kaiser goes too far not by experiencing this emotion but by acting on it.

So now with THAT out of the way too, I think we need to sit down and think more into the Ness situation. So first he says, "I can't accept kindness because all I know is malice. If anything I think malice makes life easier." Then he goes to say he is specifically looking for someone to make a "dog to his malice" and reads a psychology book to achieve that. Like first of all I'm sorry but that is so comically evil it's hilarious to me. He read a textbook to be a more efficient male manipulator. But anyway the way I understand that isn't a deep underlying evil within him but a need for control. I think he believes everyone will hurt and disorient him unless he feels like he's Controlling them. From an abusive household the only relationship dynamic he knows is person of authority - inferior party. His only friend is Ness and the only person he feels safe around being Ness is because of he tells himself Ness is his "dog" and therefore won't ever raise a hand to him. And that's because he thinks anyone who isn't his dog/under his control will do exactly that.

And so... If we go from there, from the parallel we understand Kaiser didn't see his meeting with Ness the same way Ness sees it. However, that doesn't mean Kaiser's view is the objective truth. I think they're both UNRELIABLE and EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE. So what that means is that Ness sees his time together with Kaiser through a more glorified lens, while Kaiser denies himself thinking of Ness as a companion because that puts him in a vulnerable spot, so to maintain his feeling of being in control he exerts distance and tells himself Heh we aren't actually friends because he doesn't even know that one time I giggled at him in the showers I was actually just manipulating him all along because I am sooo evil and untouchable 😏. Like do we actually take this perception at face value here because to me it just seems like a Scared and Cowardly person trying to act out his idea of a strong person because the ONLY other time he's been in any meaningful proximity to someone he got beat up and degraded.

With that I also think Kaiser is very much narcissist posturing. He'slying to himself to make himself seem invulnerable and self-aggrandizing himself through his malice (I think pretending we are 100% evil and irredeemable makes a lot of us feel safe because it seems inhuman and people are easily hurt so you don't Ever want to be a multidimensional person with layered personality traits). Because like if you think about it without the emotional reaction of "I hope Ness kills you you stupid whore" that we all have... He actually isn't doing anything that big. Like in his head he's like Heh I'm soooo Patrick Bateman I have all the control 😏 but all he did was like find a guy to play football with.

Like he's trying to say to himself that he's all that. Sure he does insult Ness and that's not good! But he didn't pull off some Complicated deeply horrific scheme. I do not believe Kaiser has an objective view of himself. It really takes away the power from all of that when you realize what he's doing is just Very Pathetic and Paranoid and Intimacy Averse. "I can't have normal friends let me get this guy in on my master servant roleplay and I'll act like he's not enjoying it too because it'll make me feel more powerful" Men will do anything but go to counseling

Addendum: This is also not Kaiser. Now I don't know what kind of person Kaiser is but considering I read it as him suffering from NPD/a disordered personality that means he doesn't have a "real" identity most of the time, this is a shell we're seeing. He just has a mask maybe there's something underneath maybe there isn't and he's empty inside, but the point is he is the kind of character who has a specific way they want to portray themselves and will lie to both themselves and the audience to achieve it. Yes I believe that includes the I'm a male manipulator evilest person alive 😏 shtick too (I think the actual truth is probably somewhere in the middle of his and Ness's view. Most likely they're both incorrect).

Notice how Barou and Rin overcame things? That is because they have a real ego. Kaiser doesn't have a "real ego"/sense of self right now, all he has is his selfish act. I believe that is intentional because I think the Blue Lock mangaka shows a good grasp and understanding of psychology. The development is pointing towards him actually getting one during this match we'll see. Hey he might even change and grow as a person if that happens but I wouldn't get too overly optimistic!

Also we need to understand that we only see these people playing football we don't know what the fuck he's like outside of that. I currently don't have any reason to believe he's anything beyond rude and insufferable when like talking to people who aren't his football rivals and in Blue Lock on principle I believe everyone is at least 30% a better more bearable person off the field.

And to finish off my demented rant some of yall are fucking HYPOCRITICAL. So when Isagi takes joy in ruining people's dreams it's fine but when Kaiser does it he needs to kill himself? Let's be very serious.

TL;DR Kaiser's behavior makes total sense, his 261 characterization falls in line with everything we've seen of him before so there's no need for shock, and he looked good being dysfunctional and messed up too

[pjisskullourful]

𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓭 𝓼𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓽𝓼

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

🌼Damiano × reader

part 25 of ??? [parts 1-24]

NSFW 🔥 bigtime horny kitty energy, much dirtiness [⚠️potential trigger warning: body image issues]

° Damiano David/female reader insert

wordcount:: 12,602

° all of the requests!! a secret friend on here wanted shower sex, a reader on ao3 asked for thigh riding& an anon sent in: What do you think of the girlfriend being jealous of somebody going after/ flirting with Damiano? Given who he is I bet it would happen and I think It would be fun to see how you would play that out. Cause I can see Damiano being real cocky about his girl getting all possessive over him and then having some ✨fun time ✨ with her to show her she’s the only one for him 😍 [requests are open! but commisions are priority, secure the 5th spot in my cue here!]

° none of the lyrics included belong to me[×]

You paused from closing the fly on your high-waisted pants - you had been trying on the outfit you wanted to wear to dinner tonight, but something had caught your eye, distracting you.

A jagged, dark line reached up from just above the waistband of your underwear. This stretch mark was brand new to your eyes. It hit you like an actual wound, your mind racing.

As your throat clenched, you stopped caring about checking that your choice of outfit was cute or not. You hated this intruder on the side of your tummy. This new line was a failure on your part, maybe if you weren’t so lazy, or spent less time playing video games, you could have avoided gaining another mark in your ugly collection. You were frozen with the top of your pants in your hands.

How long had this mark been on your body? Had Damiano seen it - what did he think when he looked at it?

This was supposed to be a fun day - the day before Easter, and some friends of his were hosting a dinner that would end in an egg hunt through their garden. You were going to be meeting more of the people he had grown up with. But most importantly, you were getting to spend the whole weekend with him, there hadn’t been many of those so far this year. There was no Måneskin-business to take him out of the country, he was just your boyfriend this weekend.

You didn’t want to waste any of this precious time with your insecurities. You wished you hadn’t seen the line, because it hadn’t been as simple as noticing it. You were having a full reaction to it. The change of mood inside of you was almost a tangible sensation.

You didn’t know how to resolve it, you just knew that you wanted the unpleasantness to stop. Your  solution was to physically move away from it. You undressed without completing the try-on process, so desperate to walk away and pretend this negativity didn’t exist. You just needed to refresh yourself and then you would be able to get back on the right track.

“I’m gonna have a shower.” You loudly announced without knowing if he actually heard you. He might be outside having a cigarette, or otherwise occupied too far from the bedroom.

You went into the bathroom and stopped at the vanity, pulling your hairbrush out of a draw. You took your hair down and started brushing through any tangles. Standing in front of the wide mirror, it wasn’t easy to keep your concentration on your hair. Your eyes wanted to wander, to find other flaws in the reflection to tear yourself apart over.

Until you were given the perfect distraction. Your boyfriend came into the room, his figure filling the reflection behind you. He was dressed in only a pair of underwear, wearing a festive headband on top of his short hair. It was enough to make you smile, even though you had to feign annoyance.

“Take those off.” You said as sternly as you could manage.

“You got it, baby.” He said, promptly taking his briefs off.

You were amused, even as you rolled your eyes. You turned your back on the mirror, more than happy to put all of your attention on him. “I meant the bunny ears and you know it.”

The fuzzy rabbit ears remained fixed on his head as he furrowed his brow. “I’m confused, do you want me to put the underwear back on?”

“Damiano.” You warned, but this only resulted in getting him to say your name back to you, in a sing-songy way, delivered with a positively devilish smile. “I never should have let you take the ears from my office…”

His eyes grew wide and he pointed an accusing finger at you. “You were the one who took them.”

You let this unserious discussion progress, exaggerating your shock. “How dare you accuse me.”

“No, how dare you. I was just there to pick you up from work. You were the one who pulled them out of the cute little window display and put them on my head.” He said.

“I didn’t think you were going to walk out still wearing them. And I was kind of distracted, I was working.” You added to his recollection. “Now, you have to take them off before they get stretched or broken ‘cause I’ve gotta put them back, they’ll probably be part of next year’s Easter display.”

He resisted, still. “I like them. You have to agree that they look better on me than they did in the window.”

“I agree.” You said. “Now take them off.”

The thing that was stopping you from simply snatching the accessory off of him, was the knowledge of how getting too close to him would change this situation entirely. He could physically overpower you in an instant and any illusion of you having some control would be banished.

“You can ask nicer than that, kitty.” He said, very clearly enjoying this teasing.

“Can you please take the ears off for me, please and thank you.” You said, even clasping your hands together in front of yourself to further sell it.

He cocked his head to the side. “I didn’t hear a single word you said. It’s kinda hard to hear you over all of those clothes you’re wearing.”

You reminded yourself how much you enjoyed being called a ‘good girl’ as inspiration to help you bite back any sarcastic comments. You even resisted the urge to roll your eyes.

You removed the two items that you were wearing - a bra and a pair of panties. You cupped your hands to either side of your mouth and spoke at a much higher volume. “Can you hear me now?”

He smiled and nodded. “Yes, did you have a request for me or something?”

“Can you please take those ears off for me, please?” You asked.

“Why, of course I can.” He said, plucking the accessory off of his head. “Here you go.”

You snatched it out of his hand, holding it securely in both of yours. “I’m gonna find someplace to hide these from you.”

“I can’t imagine why you would think that’s necessary. I’ll get the shower started while you do that, shall I?”

This made you pause from leaving the room. “Oh, you’re joining me?”

“Yeah, unless that’s not okay? I thought we should shower together, to save water.” He said.

You smirked. “To save water. Yep, that’s fine.”

You carried the confiscated item over to where you kept your work bag. It was enough to put it into your bag and shut the zipper. If he pulled it out of there he would be in the wrong - you’d both know it, and any argument would be in your favour.

When you returned to the bathroom, it was to find him standing under the stream of water. You were further distracted from your earlier issues as you admired how great he looked when soaking wet.

He turned his head and smiled at the sight of you, beckoning you in with a curling of his finger. You stepped in, sliding the door shut behind yourself. You shouldn’t have been surprised when he was instantly drawing you in for kisses, his hands cradling your face. There were times when the two of you could share a focused shower, spending as much time washing yourselves as you did making out.

But the look he had given you had indicated that this wasn’t the case for today. You linked your arms around his waist, indulging in this as the noise of the persistent water blocked out everything else. You felt how easy it would be to melt as his mouth worked tenderly against yours.

His hands left your face, slowly moving down to where the water had already reached. He started to kiss his way off of your mouth, his lips pressing against your chin before going lower. You couldn’t help arching your back into him as his lips worked across your throat. This was the closeness that you absolutely ached for when he was away, showers (like pretty much everything else) were so dull without him.

But -

“I need to wash my hair. This shower was supposed to have purpose.” You said.

He stopped what he was doing to look up at you. “Nobody’s stopping you from washing your hair. Look, I’ll even help. I’ve got lots of time to help with washing your hair these days.”

“I could return the favour and use my volumising shampoo on your hair.” You said of his well maintained buzzcut.

He wore a deadpan expression, blinking at you. “Hilarious. I swear, you’ve missed your calling in life. You shouldn’t be doing admin work- stand-up comedy, that’s where you should be. Netflix would give you a special so fast.”

“Because I’m a special girl.” You said as he let go of you to grab the shampoo bottle.

The intimacy wasn’t totally lost in this process. The two of you remained standing very close together (even though there was ample room for each of you in here) and you took every opportunity to touch him.

When he began to massage the shampoo into your scalp, you could have let out a moan of pleasure. You shut your eyes and soaked up every second of his attentiveness. His fingers slowly dragging across your scalp was the only thing that you needed right now.

“Stop making that face.” He said, his voice so stern that your eyes instantly snapped open, you were practically ready to apologise at once. “That’s a sex face and if you keep it up you’re gonna get me hard, which isn’t the purpose of this shower, right?”

You almost began giggling, you covered your face with both of your hands. “I didn’t mean to. I, I guess I was enjoying myself a little too much.”

“I’ll say.”

You parted your fingers to peek at him. “Did I really do a sex face?”

“Oh, yes. If you want me to get specific- it was your edging face. When I see that face I know that I’m doing it right and your brain is getting all empty.” He said before instructing you to tilt your head back under the stream of water.

As he rinsed all of the product out of your hair, you physically cringed. “Oh my God, I hope I don’t make that face when they’re washing my hair at the hairdressers.”

“Relax baby, I’m the only one who knows that face is linked to naughtiness.” He said.

You tried your best to stay in constant awareness, and control, over your facial expressions as he conditioned your hair. The lack of massaging on your scalp kept you from that floaty feeling.

“What do you think, is that up to your standards?” He asked, losing the careful look on his face that he had been wearing during this task.

You tested his work by running your fingers through the ends of your hair. “It feels perfect. Thank you, Daddy.” You reached out to tap the end of his nose.

“Okay, your hair is washed, what other purposes did this shower have?” He asked.

You smiled, your feet almost overlapping his on the wet ground and you wrapped an arm around his neck. "Do you want to see more of my sex faces?"

"Duh." He said, both of his hands going to your cheeks as he brought you in for kisses.

You wrapped your other arm around his middle, holding him close as you stood chest-to-chest. His fingers caressed your cheeks as his tongue slid back-and-forth along the seam of your lips. You endeavoured to get as much of your body pressed against his as possible. You relaxed your jaw, allowing his tongue into your mouth as you began to explore his body with your hands.

One of his hands left your face, meanwhile you were reaching between the two of you. You were half-anticipating where you would be feeling his hand next, but mostly you were concentrating on his little reactions as your hand travelled down lower.

You were interrupted, breaking the kiss with a gasp when the water hitting your shoulders became shockingly cold. The chill sank beneath the surface instantly and you were rattled beyond logic at first. Your eyes snapped open, searching for more information.

“Are you trying to get me out of the shower?” You asked, glancing over your shoulder to where his fingers were fixed around the hot water faucet, and he wasn’t turning it up. “Because you can just say if you don’t wanna fuck in here, I-...”

“No, it’s not that. This is gonna increase your blood flow, my fucktoy is gonna get more sensitive in less time.” As you listened to his explanation, it felt like the stream of water was getting colder still.

His hand left the dial and he held his fingers up, letting the water hit them straight away. “But if you don’t wanna fuck in here.” His eyes were set on you as he took his hand out of the stream, bringing it towards his body. “I don’t mind relocating, but I think you’ll find, if you trust me- you’ll find this very enjoyable.”

To correspond with this final word, he pushed his fingers in between your labia majora and an icy touch greeted your clit. Your gut twisted and your heart lifted as you tightened your arm around him. The intensity was immediate, making you feel as if your nerves were already on the verge of fraying as he started working the hood with his cold fingers. Your hand moved across the coarse hair on the back of his head as your eyes fluttered shut.

You couldn’t fill your lungs and you were too caught off-guard to form any coherent thoughts. “Hu-mmph…”

“That’s what I thought you’d say.” He commented and you could hear the smile on his lips before you saw it.

He began to move his fingers up-and-down your slit. You gradually came back into yourself, regaining some scraps of control. You could form thoughts again, thinking beyond what he was doing with his fingers, thinking to his pleasure.

This time when you reached between your bodies, you followed through, not stopping until you could wrap your fingers around his stiffened dick. The way he was looking into your eyes seemed to egg you on and you started to stroke, slowly at first.

You were positioned more beneath the shower head than him, the driving water was impossible for you to escape. The cold didn’t just prompt dramatic goosebumps, it cut through any of the potential noise that could rise up in your mind. With your heart racing, you concentrated solely on all of these sensations, fully locked into the experience. It didn’t seem that he was going to move you out of the stream anytime soon, forcing you to embrace the way those persistent droplets made your skin sting a little.

Your nipples felt as hard as rocks when he closed his mouth around one of the peaks. The pleasure rushed through you, the strongest wave yet, which made your legs feel a little weak. You grasped to the back of his head, at the same time your other hand moved faster on his dick.

He traded off one of his hands for the other on your pussy, these fingers were freshly chilled and you let out another surprised gasp. You didn’t care about catching your breath, too preoccupied by delighting in every swirl of his fingers around your clitoris. The excitement crackled in the air all around you as he sucked on your nipple.

You arched your back to press more of your body to him, your needs growing. You rushed ahead, too eager to be content with more foreplay. Thankfully he didn’t subdue you, going along with it when you began guiding his dick towards your entrance.

He wrapped his arms tightly around you as you lifted a foot from the wet ground, spreading your cunt further and applying more of your weight to his body. You drew in a quick, shallow breath as his tip stretched your cunt as needed. In stark contrast to the water, a primal heat was born into you, radiating out from your cunt.

He transferred his mouth to your other nipple, heating you up here too. He wrapped his fingers around your thigh so that he could hold your knee against his hip. You were rocking yourself forward, his cock filling you as you sought more of his body to grind against.

He was short on breath as he looked up at you, watching how you continued to move. You bit into your lower lip, hoping that he wasn’t about to exert his dominance by making you stop, because this was starting to feel so good.

“Damn, you’re very keen to show me those sex faces, aren’t you babygirl?” He asked, his tone thankfully free of any disapproval.

“Yes.” You said over the continuous pelting of water on tiles.

“Show them to me.” He said, gripping your squishy thigh harder. “Show me.”

“Yes.” It came out a little less clearly this time and your eyes fluttered shut.

You stroked yourself up-and-down his shaft, working yourself into a pace that you hoped you could maintain. The water was freezing the bare skin on your back, but his body was heating your front and you lived in these oppositions. The cold made you more grateful for the warmth, made you keener to notice it in your body. You chased it with more determined thrusting, delivering your hips to his.

His lips left your nipple, ravishing your throat instead. You didn’t raise a complaint over the possibility of him creating a hickey that so many strangers would see, you were too locked into the good for that. And so was he, his moans vibrating against your skin.

His approval inspired you to gain more speed, caring less about how slippery the floor was. The concerns couldn’t stand up to how spectacular every collision felt, with your body crying out for more - always more.

A loud whimper ripped free from your throat in response to cold suddenly engulfing your nipple. You were surprised out of your momentum, even forgetting to breathe for a second. Your mouth hung open as you looked down and identified the cause, his freshly chilled fingers pinching either side of the peak. His eyes were on you, not missing a single reaction, he knew exactly what he was doing to you.

As you were somewhat settling into this sensation, the intensity shot up by him fucking into you. Your mouth remained agape as he followed this with more fast thrusts. He was establishing a rhythm, one of his hands grasping your ass so that he could continuously bring you forward on his dick. His other hand remained on your breast, maintaining that firm, cold grip on your nipple, which had the potential to drive you crazy.

You let all of the desperation go straight to your head, wrapping your arms around him as your release became the only thing you cared about. You wondered if he would make you wait, the thought of that made your legs want to give out.

“Oh, Daddy.” You whined as you made the effort to move with him, your body filled with frenetic energy as you chased his tempo. “Fuck, Daddy, Daddy…”

Every clenching of your cunt had you plunging deeper into the pleasure, as every collision of your bodies felt more significant than the previous. The cold water slapped your skin relentlessly, competing for attention with all of these other grand sensations.

His breathing came in heavier-and-heavier, accompanied by the occasional moans as he refused to quit working you over. His movements were consistent as he got all that he could out of this angle. You clung to him, riding out every high that he gave to you.

Between your sensitive walls you could feel how swollen his driving cock had become. And soon it was leaking inside of you. At first it was a bit of extra warmth in your pussy. Then it was an unignorable rush that was coating you as his jerking got faster.

“Ah-hu… uh, unf.” He gasped as he saw out the entirety of his orgasm deep inside of you.

You felt how he pulsed as you remained in motion. He released your nipple, just wrapping his arms around you to support you through your continuing rocking. As your eyes fluttered, unable to stay completely open, you saw how he watched you, taking in every facial expression that this sex was bringing out of you.

You reached your highest peak, slamming your body into him as you allowed yourself to come undone. You threw your head back, the stinging water hitting your face as you were stunned by your climax. The cold kept you from floating away, instead you were extremely conscious of how your body was being dazzled by this pleasure.

You felt the oxygen rushing through your blood and you were rejuvenated as you started to come down. You found yourself smiling, your earlier negative emotions couldn’t touch you in this state - you wouldn’t be surprised if you had a visible glow right now, you felt that good. And it was all thanks to your connection with Damiano.

“I love you.” You said, still buzzing even as your bodies started to separate.

“I love you too, baby.” He punctuated this statement with a quick kiss on your lips.

You planted your feet as firmly on the floor as you could manage. As he moved around you, you were again very grateful for the sight of him soaking wet. He manipulated the taps, bringing the hot water back in a way that eased any lingering tension out of your body, finally seeing the end of your goosebumps.

“How do you feel?” He asked as his eyes carefully surveyed your current state.

You pushed your dripping hair away from your face, gaining back more of your composure with every passing moment. “Great. Dirty, but clean. Did you enjoy my sex faces?”

“Always do.” He said and you got another kiss. “Now, one of the things on your menu is a shower. Is that what you wanna do for aftercare? Because I can just leave you in here.”

“Or, you can shut up and make me a cup of tea.” You said, which he went along with.

He left the bathroom behind, a towel wrapped around his waist. You were going to be in here much longer, plugging in your hairdryer. As you got to work on your wet hair, you could feel the bliss from your climax still simmering under the surface. Seeing your reflection, you weren’t focusing on any flaws because you had been granted a new energy, which felt like it could carry you through the process of getting ready. Earlier, this had seemed to be a taxing feat that would have to endure.

The steaming cup of tea was awaiting your arrival at your makeup table. You collected your mobile phone before going over to the seat. Checking the time on its screen made you worry a little, more time had been spent in the shower than you had realised.

You looked up when you noticed him coming into the room. “Is what we did in the shower gonna make us terribly late for this dinner?”

He considered the time displayed on the bedside clock. “No, we should be fine. Besides, I think what we did was very worth it, don’t you baby?”

“Don’t you dare distract me with a play-by-play, I’ve gotta do my makeup.”

*** *** ***

But he was wrong and you were late to arrive at the dinner party. Damiano tried to reassure you, telling you no one would mind that you were ‘fashionably late’.

But you worried about making a bad first impression on his friends. This only strengthened when it became clear that the rest of the guests had been waiting for the two of you. Almost every person assembled in Mia and Antonio’s dining room (and it was a sizable group) watched your delayed entrance.

Damiano was absolutely unfazed by this, swiftly making an apology to the hosts, which didn’t include placing the blame on you. Then, with your fingers interlaced securely, he made his way around the room, greeting people individually and introducing you. Even as they all smiled at you, you couldn’t help feeling like you didn’t know where you stood with these people.

Nathan quietly informed the two of you that you hadn’t missed anything important. Some gossip had been shared during the pre-dinner drinks, but nothing truly worth noting had happened.

Antonio announced that the food had been laid out in the kitchen and everyone was welcome to serve themselves, buffet-style. Before you or Damiano could make a decision of your next move, you were being accosted by a petite woman who carried the scent of a freshly-smoked cigarette with her.

“Oh my God, who let you in here?” He loudly asked as his attention went to this stranger.

“I could ask the same thing about you.” She said, stepping in close at once. “Give me a hug, you animal.”

His hand slipped from yours so that he could embrace her. The lack of distance between the two of them suggested more than just an acquaintance, but her face didn’t strike you as familiar from any of the childhood-cataloguing photo albums that his mum had shown you.

“How long has it been?” She asked, yet to notice you as she beamed up at him.

“Years.”

“Duh, Domino.” She said, giving his shoulder a playful shove.

You furrowed your brow, unsure if you had misheard her (with a house full of people, it was likely your hearing was slightly compromised). Or if she had seriously messed up the pronunciation of his name. His lack of reaction made you think the former was what had happened.

“But have an actual think about it. When did we actually see each other last?” She asked.

He gave this some consideration. “Was it Kesha?”

“It was.” She said happily. “That concert was amazing. I crowd-surfed that night.”

He rolled his eyes. “Convincing the drunk guys next to you to pick you up for a couple of seconds is not crowd-surfing.”

You couldn’t help clearing your throat. You didn’t like how you felt right now, waiting for somebody to notice you so that you could be acknowledged and included.

He instantly set about rectifying this, taking a step away from the enthusiastic stranger so that he could put an arm around your shoulders. “I’m sorry baby, I totally forgot my manners there. This is Andrea, she dated my brother in high school.” You extended your hand for a shake. “And this is my girlfriend…”

“Nice to meet you.” You said. As you shook her hand, it was hard to ignore the way that she still barely looked at you - apparently all of her attention remained on this little reunion.

“You too. It’s good to see the woman who’s crazy enough to think she can keep up with this clown.” She said - what the Hell did that mean?

“Hey, watch what you’re saying. I think you will find that it’s you who is the clown.” He teased.

Her comeback was delivered within seconds. “Classic thing for a clown to say.”

He didn’t struggle for a comeback either, it was as if the two of them had never fallen out of the habit of making fun of one another. As they joked, you had no idea how you were supposed to be contributing to this conversation. This only got worse when they began to refer to things you had never heard of. All that you could do was smile and hope you didn’t look as awkward as you currently felt.

You weren’t very fond of the way she repeatedly cut him off, talking over him so that her point could be reached first. He didn’t let this trip him up, but you were keeping a mental tally of it, even as you went on smiling.

After a while you were noticing more-and-more people coming to the table with plates full of food. You weren’t the only three not in the process of sitting down.

But you were getting bored of forcing a laugh whenever they laughed and the two of them weren’t slowing down. They kept talking without much pause, meanwhile your eyes were getting drawn back to the food. 

You jumped on the briefest of lulls in their conversation, giving his hand on your shoulder a little squeeze. “I’m gonna get the food before the best stuff is gone. Did you want me to put a plate together for you as well?”

“That would be amazing, thanks babe.” He said.

You stepped away from them, hearing their chatting continue as you headed in the direction of the kitchen. There were a handful of people in this room, loading up plates, considering the food on offer or having contained conversations.

You collected two clean plates from the station and approached the food-covered counter. This brought you closer to where Mia was standing, allowing you to hear what the host was saying to Liliana.

“-never had them at any of your parties before.” Liliana said.

“We’re just trying it out to see if it makes things easier. This way we can make sure all the couples get to sit together.” Mia said.

“I get that. But what I don’t get is why you stuck Andrea down the end of the table.” Liliana said, and you felt compelled to listen more carefully now. “She hates not sitting in the middle. Do you really think she’s not gonna have a bitch and a moan about that before the party is over?”

You quickly looked up, seeing Mia make a face before you went back to adding sausages to Damiano’s plate. “I know, trust that I know. I’ve been friends with her longer than you, I’ve heard more of that bitching than you. But I put her where she demanded to be.”

“Demanded?” Liliana repeated.

“Yeah, she demanded that she get to sit next to Damiano.” Mia said - something about this statement didn’t sit right with you, spawning the feeling that you should put your guard up. Even if you couldn’t articulate why.

They kept talking, the discussion regarding the assigned seats at the table moving away from Damiano and Andrea. You concentrated on just picking which foods looked most appetising. You tried to not analyse what the women had said as you added generous servings to each plate.

By the time you reached the table (a steaming plate held in each hand), you found that Damiano was already seated. And beside him, still talking, was Andrea. You sat down on the opposite side of him, providing him with the selection of food.

He didn’t let this go unnoticed, instantly turning to give you a kiss on the cheek. “You’re the best, thank you baby.”

“I did a good job?” You asked.

“Yeah, everything looks fantastic.” He said, picking up his cutlery.

You were interrupted from your second bite when Andrea got your attention by saying your name. “What do you do for a living, sweetie? Or are you a professional groupie?”

“I’m her groupie.” He said.

“I work in real estate, general admin stuff.” You said, knowing that she wasn’t seeking too much information.

She wordlessly stared at you, as if this needed a beat to be understood. “Huh…”

You showed an uneasy smile. “Is that a bad thing?”

“No, of course it isn’t.” She said, her eyes mainly on Damiano again. “I’m just surprised. I was expecting you would be dating a model, or some type of influencer, at the very least. Wow, I know whose day at work gets talked about first.”

You dropped your eyes, the empty hand in your lap clenched into a fist. You wished for even a shred of his natural sass, because you couldn’t think of a single thing to say. You couldn’t express yourself, nevermind defending yourself.

“Oh I don’t know about that.” He said. “Parts of my job are pretty boring. Recording music is seriously tedious, there isn’t much about my day to tell if all I did was listen to the same eleven seconds of one song, trying to decide if the pitch should go slightly up or down. I would much rather hear about the stuff happening in her office. You genuinely don’t want to imagine all of the hours this poor woman has wasted hearing me do the same three vocal warm-ups.”

You reached under the table for his leg. “I’m just grateful you don’t do it in your sleep.”

He placed his hand over yours, his fingers moving to their familiar hold. He used his other hand to operate his fork and you started to eat more as well.

That surge of being embarrassed was easing off. But you couldn’t help feeling a little inferior. You supposed that the opinion of this woman seemed significant because she had been a part of your boyfriend’s family long before you. If you had been feeling more confident tonight, then her effervescence wouldn’t seem like such a threat.

You could feel relieved when she didn’t direct any more questions at you. You continued to be bothered by her habit of speaking over him. But with so many other people around the table, you didn’t struggle to find someone else to talk to and distract yourself. You got to know Nathan better.

After clearing his plate, Damiano wanted to go out to the yard to have a cigarette. Instantly Andrea was insisting on going with him. You tracked their movements away from the table, unshakably annoyed and hating every second of it.

You didn’t want to behave like an animal marking their territory. But a lull in your conversation with Gabriella saw you unable to resist the urge to make an excuse to leave the table. Your fingers were curled up, ready to tense as you walked out of the dining room, headed for the back door.

They were the only two people on the patio, cigarettes ablaze as they chatted. Actually, ‘chatting’ didn’t seem to adequately capture what you were seeing - it was Andrea talking. She was so animated and loud, dominating the space, dominating all of your boyfriend’s attention. And it made your blood run hotter than usual. There was something uncontrollable in you that was making your reactions to this woman stronger than usual. But you didn’t know how to make it stop.

And the elevated emotions dictated your actions. You left your subtlety largely behind, making your mind up to act without hesitation, without getting locked into self-consciousness.

You walked directly to Damiano’s side, snaking both of your arms around him as you stood as close as possible. You heard her continuing to talk, but he looked at you, an intrigued smile forming on his mouth. He began putting an arm around you as you moved in to kiss him.

She could regard your job as unglamorous if she wanted. But you were giving her the reminder that you had the guy she was so desperately trying to spend time with. He didn’t mind the public display of affection, kissing you back straight away. You doubted he would be bothered by this possessiveness. You had succeeded in shutting her up.

He was smiling as you separated and you gave a little giggle before speaking. “Sorry if I interrupted, I just really missed you, babe.”

“Missed me?” He repeated, eyebrows raised, but clearly not on the verge of discouraging you. “I haven’t been out here that long, have I? I swear this is still my first cigarette.”

You deposited your hand into the back pocket of his jeans. “I know. But I got to thinking about you. I was talking to Gabriella about TV shows and stuff. I told her how we’ve been watching Orphan Black for the first time. Which made me think about- but I didn’t say it to her- about how you really woke me up that time I almost fell asleep watching it.”

His eyes grew wide. “You didn’t wanna say it to Gabi, but you pretty much just told Andrea.”

“Coffee.” You said loudly. “He made me the strongest espresso known to man, and then he turned the volume all the way up. No one could sleep under those conditions.”

“Oh man, we used to have to keep you so far away from coffee, Domino. It was the worst combination.” She said and the apparent mispronunciation got your attention again.

“Yeah. Well it doesn’t quite have the same effect on me these days.” He said.

She looked at you, surveying you as she exhaled a column of smoke. “Do you wanna know what I’ve just noticed?”

No, your mind replied. And maybe in an alternate world, you would have let her see some of your attitude. You wouldn’t be held back by shyness and the constant need to be polite, and treat her how she had been treating you.

But you kept on smiling, tilting your head to the side in a display of curiosity as he invited her to elaborate.

“She doesn’t have a single tattoo.” She stated, pointing a finger at you. You felt like she had been watching you so carefully, looking for something to judge you over. “I’m in shock over here, I literally cannot believe you’re dating someone with no tattoos.”

“Wait…”

“Did Hell actually freeze over?” She joked, speaking directly over your attempt to respond.

Fortunately, she let Damiano talk. “No, she does have one.”

You held his body closer, stroking a hand across his chest. “We got tattooed together in Japan, when I was on tour with him.”

“Yeah, we got our dragons done by the same artist in Tokyo. ‘Cause why would we buy a typical souvenir from a shop?” He said and you could sense the pride in him even in this brief retelling of that day.

But she continued to be unimpressed, making a face that saw her gritting her teeth in an uncomfortable-looking manner. “Matching tattoos? Oh, you guys… I really thought you would have known about this, Domino. Matching tattoos are the kiss of death.” You couldn’t keep yourself from sighing, but she still had more to say. “It’s a curse, even in friendships. I’m speaking from experience here, a lot of experience.”

“What if we just don’t believe in curses?” You asked.

“It might just be an Andrea-thing, not-...”

His teasing was interrupted by the loud ringing of her phone. She frowned at him as she pulled it out of her pocket. Whatever she saw on the screen wasn’t good and soon she was scowling. She answered the call with a huff.

“This isn’t a good time, Darr-... what the fuck do you mean you’re at my place?” She started to stalk off.

Damiano waited until she was out of earshot to speak. “I guess that toxic ex of hers is out of prison…”

“Matching tattoos are a curse?” You asked, your jaw clenched. “Shall I call Ethan, Thomas and Vic to ask for signs of the curse since you guys got your matching tattoos?”

“It’s all bullshit.” He said with a shake of his head and having him on your side felt validating, it helped ease some of the tension.

“Is she saying your name wrong on purpose, or does she have a speech impediment that I should be more sensitive about?” You asked.

He furrowed his brow, pausing as he sucked on the filtered end of his cigarette. “You mean Domino? That was a name she and my brother came up with when I was a tween. I had lots of pimples, ‘cause puberty. And dominoes have spots, and they thought it was close enough to Damiano for it to be comedy gold.”

“That’s so mean.” You said, finding another reason to dislike her.

“It was a long time ago, you know how siblings torture each other.” He said.

“I guess.”

He turned to face you, wrapping both of his arms around you now. “So you missed me, huh?” You felt his hands sliding down your back, travelling towards your butt. “It looks like this yard is smaller than Ethan’s, so I don’t think we could get away with sneaking off for a fuck like we did at his housewarming party.”

“I’ll save the horny kitty energy for when we get home, then.” You said.

You didn’t worry about the damage to your lipstick as he moved in, seeking more kisses. You kissed him back, relaxing into the embrace. It was a nice break to not currently hear Andrea’s voice. There was nothing to analyse in this moment, you just enjoyed how his mouth naturally moved with yours.

Once he was finished smoking his cigarette, the two of you returned inside. Soon Mia and Antonio were getting all of their guests ready for the egg hunt portion of the evening. It wasn’t just their backyard that you would be searching - they had friendly and understanding neighbours that had allowed chocolate eggs to be hidden around their front yards. Those participating had agreed to leave porch lights on, signalling that it was okay to approach their homes. Not everyone on the street had joined and you were told no one would vouch for you if you got into trouble for climbing over any fences.

The search area had been divided up, with each team of two allocated a different section to investigate. Every section had the same amount of eggs, so everyone had an opportunity to win.

The prize had come from the speciality chocolate shop Mia worked at. It was a large (about eleven inches in height), solid, artisan Easter bunny. You had already secretly decided that Damiano would be eating it alone if you two claimed the victory.

You held the cute little wicker basket in one hand, holding Damiano’s hand with the other as you walked with the rest of the group. Before you could get shown to your allocated search zone, Andrea approached, a smug-looking smile on her face.

“I wouldn’t be feeling too confident if I were you, not with Domino on your team. That guy can’t find anything, he was always losing his phone, like it fell off the face of the Earth or something.” She said.

“Good thing that was a very long time ago.” He said.

Antonio pointed you to the front yard you would be searching. You and Damiano approached with the flashlights of your phone’s activated. The rest of the party moved onto the next participating house.

You found the first egg, its foil wrapping catching the light from inside the cylinder that was attached to the letterbox, designed to hold a newspaper. There was another one beside the base of a rose bush. He noticed one on the short staircase and upon going to collect it, he spotted a second egg behind the steps, reaching his hand into the gap.

He was looking up, amongst the branches of a tree when you heard Andrea’s far-off laugh. It prompted an instant reaction from you and you took this private moment to express some of the thoughts swirling in your mind.

“I don’t know how much more I can take of her calling you that.” You said.

He looked at you, brow furrowed as it took him a pause to figure out what you were talking about. It wasn’t even on his mind. “Oh, the whole domino thing. I wouldn’t let it get to you, kitty. After tonight, you will probably never have to hear it again.”

“I know, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t irritating at this moment. They used it to bully you, it’s not nice to keep repeating it.” You said. “It’s not your name.”

He had gone back to searching the tree from his viewpoint, looking for something that didn’t belong. “And yet, she keeps calling me that. It’s like she thinks I have a humiliation kink, or something.”

Your mouth dropped open and you stared at him, unable to believe that he had found a new way to make you uncomfortable in this situation. This wasn’t a perspective you had considered and you instantly hated it. He wasn’t on the same page as you, he didn’t know what you needed to hear.

You couldn’t think of anything to say. All you knew was that you wanted to get out of this situation - you were tired of the negative emotions holding you down.

He seemed to realise his error after a moment, looking at you with wide eyes. “That was the wrong thing to say. Why did I say that?”

“I don’t know.” You said and your hand on the basket curled into a fist.

He had pocketed his phone, turning to you as he spoke with an apologetic tone. “That was- I wasn’t thinking, literally. Literally that was just stupidity and the worst attempt at a joke, ever. If I could take it back… Let me take it back? Please, I didn’t mean anything-...”

You showed him the palm of your hand, succeeding in getting him to stop talking. “The toothpaste is out of the tube now, Damiano. And I’m gonna walk away.”

“No, baby, you can’t.” He said, but you had already started to back away. “Let me apologise.”

“Save it for later. Truly, I just need a moment to be annoyed. We can talk about it later, when I’m feeling less… just less.”

“What about the egg hunt?” He asked with a hint of hope.

You scoffed and decided to stop being so polite, you had done enough of that tonight. You didn’t care if this action made him call you a brat, you wanted to drive home the fact that he had aggravated you.

You tossed the basket into the air, the chocolate eggs going flying as you aimed for the branches of the tree. You spun around and started to walk away before you felt the urge to show him both of your middle fingers. You walked in the direction of Mia and Antonio’s house, your breath coming in quicker than what was normal.

Your thoughts were racing as you tried to make sense of this swell of emotions. Why would he think it was okay to talk about kinks in relation to another woman? It was the wrong time for you to accept this as a harmless joke. It fed into your insecurities, festering beneath the surface, instead of being shrugged off.

When you returned to the house, you delivered your cover story of needing to use the bathroom. After visiting the toilet, you forced a smile onto your face and threw yourself into socialising with his friends. Everyone but Andrea.

You didn’t feel much like talking to him right now, either.

*** *** ***

The car ride home was filled with a lot of talking. You couldn’t walk away from him now. Potentially you could have shoved your fingers in your ears and refused to listen to him.

But your irritation with him had settled down enough that you were willing to hear him out. And you didn’t regret it, because he was seemingly done with thoughtless attempts at humour.

He opened with an apology and again stressed to you that he hadn’t meant to upset you. You nodded along as he explained how he had been able to tell that you were uncomfortable so he wanted to make a joke to cheer you up. His intentions had been good, even though he had fumbled the execution. He assured you there was no hidden meaning behind his words, telling you how much he wished he could take it back. He promised to never make another joke like it and you appreciated his sincerity.

But you couldn’t immediately snap yourself out of the way you were feeling. These negative emotions wouldn’t be so easily left behind, they would have to be worked out of your system. Time and distance from the situation would help you.

Crossing the threshold into your home, all that you were thinking of was taking off your makeup and going to bed. Maybe you would be able to put a positive spin on this whole thing in the morning.

But you didn’t get very far. Damiano wrapped a hand around your forearm, bringing you to a stop before you could get to the hallway. Your jaw was clenched as you turned back to him.

“I thought you accepted my apology.” He said.

“I did, I do. That’s what I said, are you calling me a liar?” You asked, quickly finding your way back to being fired up.

“No, I’m not. I’m just trying to figure you out right now, kitten. I don’t understand your energy. If you accepted my apology, then why are you still cranky?” He asked.

You snatched your arm out of his grasp, you were officially done with holding everything back. “Because I am. You don’t get to control my emotions. You get a lot of control, over a lot of things, Damiano. And I’m not complaining about it, I am more than happy with our dynamic. But my emotions are one thing that you don’t get to control.”

“I’m not trying to. Please, can you tell me what’s going on?” He asked, he wasn’t elevating his tone to match yours. “I am so confused and I just want to help make things better, but how can I do that when I have literally no idea what’s going on?”

You folded your arms across your chest. “Alright, we can talk about it.”

“Great.” He said with a little sigh of relief, taking a step back from you. “I’m gonna sit down, you don’t have to join me, but I think it would help us if you did.”

You walked into the lounge room with him. With how seriously he was taking this whole thing, it seemed highly unlikely that he was on the verge of cracking another unwelcome joke. You tried to let your guard down, telling yourself that he wasn’t going to give you any more reasons to feel sensitive. You sat on the couch with him, allowing a gap bigger than what was typical.

“I’m not that- at least, I don’t think that I’m terribly mad. I’m just in… a weird headspace.” You said. “And I’m sorry for ruining your night, that’s not how I wanted the night to end. But I don’t think anyone there could tell something was off with us…”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t think so.”

“I accept your apology, I do and I listened to every word of your explanation. But it’s gonna take, like, a moment or two for me to not feel gross about it. Because you literally picked the worst time to say it.” You said.

“But why? What made my timing so bad? It’s gotta be more than just the Andrea thing.” He said.

“I’ve not been feeling so good today, just a lot of insecurities, being loud in my head and…” You said, starting to lose your ability to look him in the eye.

“How could I know that?” He asked. “Baby, I’m gonna start calling you Meryl Streep, ‘cause you’re way too good at acting like everything is fine.”

“Really, you had no idea that anything was wrong? Not even when I came up and was being all jealous and rubbing myself on you like a damn cat trying to get their scent on something?” You asked.

“Well I could tell that you were feeling a little jealous. But, I don’t know, the results were kind of cute to me, so I didn’t put any thought into it. I just assumed it was a superficial, non-serious thing.” He said.

“I was already comparing myself to her, how could I not? She’s so much more confident than me and why wouldn’t she be? She’s thinner than me, she has a cooler, more interesting, sexier job than me.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know how sexy body piercing actually is. Punching holes in the ears of crying and restrained children- that doesn’t exactly sound like a picnic to me. Trying to keep people from fainting and cleaning up their messes after they don’t follow the aftercare instructions properly. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a straight-forward career like yours.”

“She’s known you longer than I have.” You pointed out.

“Yeah, as her boyfriend’s geeky, pimple-covered baby brother. I was always just a loser, wannabe to them.” He said.

“Maybe back then, but she demanded to sit next to you tonight.” You said.

He cocked his head to the side. “Demanded, what are you talking about?”

“I overheard Mia saying it, she was talking about how Andrea wanted to sit next to you so badly that she demanded it. And that was Mia’s choice of words.” You said. “Demanded.”

He paused, he was without an immediate solution for you. “Okay, she demanded to sit next to me. Are you sure that wasn’t just to catch up with me? I mean, it has been years since we last saw-”

You jumped up to your feet, exasperation taking dominance over your other emotions. “She was flirting with you all night, Damiano. All of that teasing- if we were kids on the playground, she would have found some mud to push you into to get your attention.”

He remained seated, still maintaining his calm (you envied the logic and clarity he seemingly possessed right now). “Was I flirting back? Sincerely, did I give her any of that attention back? Because I have way more than a lame joke to apologise for, if that’s the case.”

“No, you didn’t flirt with her, but that’s not the point…”

“Actually, I think you’ll find that is the point.” He said, a hint of sternness coming into his tone now. “Just because someone flirts with me, it doesn’t mean I’m enjoying it or wishing I could flirt back.”

“But people just feel so damn entitled to you. And they’re not even shy about it. How am I supposed to not get jealous? When I’ve already got a bunch of insecurities.”

“What insecurities are loud in your head today, kitten?” He asked. “I really had no idea that you weren’t feeling at your best.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” You half-mumbled your response.

“Don’t freeze me out, please.” He said. “It’s so obvious to say, but I can’t fix a problem if I don’t know what it is. We’re a great team, aren’t we? Let’s face this as a team.”

You fiddled with your fingers rather than looking at him. “I don’t wanna make you listen to me complain-... one day you’re gonna get over my insecurities, you’re gonna get sick of telling me not to believe my thoughts.”

“That’s not true.” He said but you just shrugged your shoulders. “Alright, if you’re allowed to say that like it has any basis in reality, then I’m allowed to say this: someday you’ll get over having a boyfriend that forces you to deal with a partially-long-distance relationship.” This succeeded in getting you to look up, shyly at first. “You’re gonna realise that you can have a guy with a nine-to-five, a fucking sane career. A guy that can be in bed beside you every night. You’ll get sick of sharing me with my job and you’ll find a more reliable guy.”

“You are a reliable guy. And I knew what your job was when we started dating, I knew what I was signing up for. It doesn’t take away from how much I love you, loving you isn’t a conditional thing, Damiano.” You told him.

He nodded his head. “That’s a lovely thing to hear, thank you. So what you’re saying is that my statement isn’t true, right?”

“Right.”

“Kinda like what I said about your statement. Actually, that's exactly what I said.”

“So we just cancel out each other’s insecurities and everything is great again?” You challenged.

“No, I know that it isn’t that simple.” He said. “I know Daddy is supposed to have all of the answers, but I don’t have them for this. My best guess is that we help each other with our insecurities and we get through it together. That whole team thing.”

You sighed. “I don’t know how to just make my bad mood stop.”

“I don’t expect you to.” He said and he extended his hands out to you, beginning to bridge the physical gap between the two of you. “Please don’t take this as me trying to control your feelings. But I wanna take care of you, as your daddy. Would you let me be in charge again?”

You met and held his gaze now. You had been too frazzled to come up with any solutions for yourself and you didn’t even try resisting how good it would feel to reconnect with him. You took the small steps over to him and placed both of your hands in his. “Yes, babe.”

He straightened his back, coming up a little higher now. He put one of his hands to your cheek and you allowed yourself to be drawn in for a kiss. It must have been hours since the last kiss you had shared and you felt just how much of your body responded, instantly telling you that this was the correct course of action.

“I heard you out, so now I would like you to hear me.” He said, a deep look into your eyes making his seriousness inescapably clear. “I want to help you get out of those thoughts and calm down. So I think the best thing will be for both of us to take our pants off, you’ll take your panties off too. And then you’re gonna put your pussy right here-” He gave his upper thigh a little pat. “And you’re not gonna think anymore thoughts, you’re just gonna feel good and listen to me.”

You were already undoing the fly of your jeans, but you almost rolled your eyes. “You’re gonna fuck the bad mood out of me- that’s your angle?”

He was taking his pants off as well. “You act sceptical and yet you’re going along with it, you’ve got free will, you could walk away and call me a moron.” He threw his pants aside. “And I wouldn’t phrase it that way. I just think you need to calm down and making your pussy feel good is the first step in that. We don’t have to do anything too crazy, we can go at your pace and you can safeword at literally any second.”

You dropped your underwear to the ground, looking in his eyes as you tried to not worry about the visibility of those new stretch marks (the overhead light was on, there weren’t enough shadows for you to hide in, you had to get okay with that). “Yes, Daddy.”

You placed your hands on his shoulders, ensuring stability before you moved in closer. You lowered yourself down, bringing your bare cunt to his exposed thigh - you couldn’t deny that you were feeling the beginnings of that wet eagerness before contact was made.

“I love you.” He said, he had wrapped one arm around you, holding you securely as he wanted.

You continued looking into his eyes as he gently brushed your hair away from your face. “I love you too.”

His fingers rested under your chin and he moved in for a kiss. “I love all of you, okay? I love this mouth, even when it’s saying unreasonable things.” He kissed you on the lips, then the next kiss went to the centre of your forehead. “And I love this mind, even when it’s being mean to you, I’ll still treat it with kindness.

“And your body, I’m gonna spend the rest of my life enjoying this gorgeous package that my kitty comes in.” He said, holding you in a way that eased you closer to him, briefly dragging your cunt across his skin, in a preview of the friction to come. “I want to make you feel it. Because you’ve gotta know it, you’ve gotta know that there is no part of you that I will ever get sick of. Even the bits that you don’t like, I’ll love them extra until you do.”

You couldn’t think of anything to say, so you expressed yourself by giving him more kisses. You didn’t want to dwell in your insecurities any longer and those thoughts felt like they were on the verge of floating away. He had been right - with so much blood rushing into your cunt, those cyclical emotions were getting interrupted. Of course he had been right, but you weren’t about to stall this kiss by pausing to tell him about it.

Instead you sought to deepen the kiss, placing your hand to his cheek and tilting your head. His lips parted for you and your tongue sought a deeper taste.

In his embrace, you were partially calming down. But another part of you was just getting started and you couldn’t resist working your hips. Gently, you rocked yourself back-and-forth, not rushing into any rhythm as you figured out your range of movement. You tested how steady you were, enjoying the feel of his thigh more with every rub.

He put his hands to your hips, encouraging and guiding you through more measured pumps. Your tongue rubbed against the roof of his mouth and your fingers stroked his cheek as you enjoyed him beyond words.

You slipped into a momentum, a maintainable and promising tempo. As the tension in your body built, you settled more of your weight onto his leg, infusing a greater pressure into your cunt. He matched your passion with every kiss as you got his leg wetter.

He was short on breath when he broke the kiss. You kept your eyes shut, letting your head slump a little as you gripped the nape of his neck. You didn’t stop riding his thigh for a single second.

“God, you’re such a good girl.” He whispered. “Look at you go, you’re doing so well. Good girl, good-good-good girl. Do you notice how there’s only one good girl on that leg? That’s because you’re the only good girl for me.

“The only girl for me, period.” He said and when he kissed you on the cheek, your eyes began to flutter open. “The only one.” He was speaking directly into your ear now, and nothing could get in between you and his words. “Just ‘cause someone wants me, it doesn’t mean they get me. People can embarrass themselves trying to flirt with me, it doesn’t mean that they get me. People can grab me while I’m singing, they can rub my chest and treat me like a goddamn petting zoo- it’s nothing to me, they definitely don’t get to have me.

“You’re the only one that gets me. I’m yours.”

“Please don’t start singing that song.” You joked after his words had opened a direct connection to the Jason Mraz song from your childhood.

He laughed lightly. “No, you don’t want to hear it? You don’t think it suits the vibe that we’ve got going on?” You shook your head, a smile blossoming on your lips. “You don’t want me to sing for you?”

“Not right now.” You said and you reached your hand out for his crotch, where a stiff shape had been catching your eye. “I’d rather have you moan for me.”

He licked his lips, excitement flashing in his eyes as, over the material of his underwear, you wrapped your fingers around his erection. “Then I’ll moan for you.” He squirmed a little in his seat as you started to slowly move your hand up-and-down his length. “Mmn, I’ll moan for you all night, my toy.”

You matched the speed of your rocking to how you stroked his hot cock. You felt his fingers gripping your hips tighter and you watched the way his breathing was coming in quicker. He was invested in this build-up the same as you, everything feeling simpler when you allowed the desire to be your guide.

You adjusted the angle of your hips, moving yourself in a way that got your labia out of the way, applying your clit directly to his skin. You rubbed the hood against his firm thigh, picking up a little speed as the sensitivities stored in this spot soared into the centre of your attention. You kept the same tempo maintained on his dick, staying in sync with him.

He let out a heavy sigh. “You’re really showing off your multitasking skills, huh? I’m impressed, but not surprised, I’ve always known that you’re very talented. But concentrate on you, okay? That’s what I want- your pleasure comes first.”

“Mm-hmm.” This whine was the best response you could give as your throat clenched.

The heat was radiating out from your cunt as you kept going, inviting in more threats to your composure. The friction was so wonderful that you couldn’t help but recklessly chase after more of it. Even when your breath began to fail you, you kept bucking your hips. The sublime stimulation of your clitoral hood provided you with all of the inspiration you needed to continue in this momentum. Your breath left you in gasps and moans that betrayed just how needy you had become.

His dick had started to leak as you continued stroking and he appeared to be losing his ability to sit completely still. “You sound like you’re having fun.” He said and there was a noticeable strain in his voice that hadn’t been present before. “You sound like Daddy got you to calm down.”

“Yes.” You whimpered, leaning forward so you could give him a couple of kisses. “Daddy is always right.”

“Oh, I just wanna be inside of you real bad. I know I said that I want you to concentrate on yourself and I do, I truly do. But, fuck, I’m dying to feel your pussy.” He said.

“We can- I’m happy for us to fuck.” You said, bringing your swings to an end.

“Hell yes.” He said breathlessly as he rushed to get his briefs down. You readjusted, unable to resist kissing him some more as you were moved to be straddling his entire lap. “Can I keep you on top?”

“Yes.” You said, wrapping your arms around his neck as your bodies got wonderfully closer.

He had an arm secured around your waist and his hand was between the two of you, directing his dick. “I wanna hold you just like this, so that I can keep looking at you, ‘cause you’re so-... fuck, you’re so beautiful.” His tip effortlessly stretched your slicked entrance open, pressing between your keen walls. “You’re so beautiful, pet.”

Your eyelids fluttered and you gave yourself a moment as your cunt adjusted to this fullness. You took in a deep breath and raised your head again, looking him in the eye as he carefully watched you. “You’re beautiful.”

“Even though I’m a jerk?” He asked.

“It’s okay, I’m a jerk too.”

“We’ll be jerks together forever.” He said.

No further adjustments were necessary, your bodies knew what to do from here. His hand stroked the small of your back as you moved in, securing more kisses. As one passionate kiss led into another, he began to move, fucking deeper into you. You wrapped your arms tighter around him, feeling how your inner-walls were already clenching to him, your desperation soaring.

There wasn’t much time dedicated to building. He wanted it fast, he wanted friction. And you felt the same, enjoying the hunger present in his movements. As your gut tightened, you worked to match the reckless speed of his jolting.

“Forever.” He murmured against your lips.

“Forever.” You responded as fast as you could manage.

“Together forever.” He said, sending a tremor through you.

This developed into a quake that reached down to the core of your being, intensifying with each fervent collision of your bodies. You knew that when you fell apart, it would be on this deep level.

“Together forever.” You repeated.

Your fingernails pressed into his skin as you held him even tighter in response to the overwhelming pleasure rising up all around you. It was more powerful than anything else, ready to cripple you as you continued to quiver. Every bit of you was crying out for release and you shut your eyes, getting lost in it all.

“Ff-uck.” He burst out. “Ah, I’m gonna come. You’re gonna make me come, babygirl.”

“Yes.” You whimpered, clenching your thighs against him in the face of his strengthening jerks.

You had no chance of matching his wild speed. All you could do was receive him as your own release came screaming at you.

He rocketed forward, almost launching himself off of the couch as he secured his orgasm. His dick was buried all the way in, colliding with your g-spot in a way that set off a series of spasms, which you followed to your own orgasm. Your cunt clamped around his leaking cock as you both fell out of the momentum, settling into silence.

He fell back upon the support of the couch, still holding you close to his body. You rested your head on his shoulder, keeping your eyes shut as everything faded away. You attempted to catch your breath as your heart continued to hammer.

He brought you gently out of your haze, his fingers slowly raking through your hair. “How do you feel?”

“Better, calmer. I’m really happy that we’re home.” You said.

“Yeah, me too.” He said. “Now it’s just you and me, and we can get started on your aftercare. Did you have anything already in mind?” He asked.

“Can I have a face mask? After I take my makeup off. And maybe we could burn some incense.”

“Of course baby, anything you want.” He said.

You got up from the couch, holding your hand out as you waited for him. “And cuddles. I’m ready for a lot of cuddles.”

“Sounds perfect to me.” He said. He took your hand in his and you left the room together.

Once in the bedroom, you took the rest of your clothes off, in favour of wearing only your luxurious black robe. You sat down with a cleansing wipe in hand, taking off what you had so carefully applied before leaving the house. He disappeared into the ensuite, his eyes on his phone as he went. Accompanying the sound of running water, you thought you could hear music playing, but you didn’t pay this much attention.

And it was gone by the time he opened the door. He stood in the doorway, a few different packets of sheet masks in hand. “Which one do you wanna use?”

“Well bring them over so I have a chance at reading what they are.” You pointed out.

He got the incense set up while you made your choice. He set the slowly-burning stick in its holder, beside the television. From the selection, you picked a strawberry-scented mask, it would match well with the vanilla incense gradually filling the room. You liked this process of curating the environment, it helped you feel more in control, most unlike how you had been feeling upon first arriving home.

“Hang on, I thought I would put that on for you.” He said when he noticed you opening the sheet masks packaging.

“Alright.” You said. As he approached the bed, you held a makeup wipe out to him. “For your leg, so you can get off any of the pussy still on there.”

“Thanks, but I cleaned it with water already.”

You laid down on your back as instructed by him. He brushed any strands of hair away from your face and took the chance to kiss you a couple of times. You smiled, slipping further into this feeling of contentment.

As he unfolded the thin, wet material, you noticed him humming a little. This developed into singing as he carefully applied the mask to your face.

“So I won’t hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait, I’m sure. There’s no need to complicate…” He sang in a voice different from his typical, famous voice. There was none of that usual grit or power. This was breathier, potentially it could have fooled some into thinking another person was singing. “Our time is short. This is our fate…”

You recognised the tune and began giggling before he got to singing the title of the song. “I’m yours…”

“Dami.” You said, still laughing as more of the thin sheet covered your face.

“What, you don’t like your lullaby?” He asked. “You probably shouldn’t have brought the song up, then.” As he smoothed the mask across your chin, he went back to singing in that fake voice. “Do you want to come on, scooch on over closer, dear…”

“What is this voice you’re doing?” You asked.

“You don’t like it? I was trying to do something that suited the song.” He said.

“So this is your ‘indie-Damiano’ voice, or something?”

“I guess.” He said with a shrug. “...and I will nibble your ear…”

You couldn’t help laughing as he kept singing. “Are you doing an accent, are you trying to be Australian?”

He smiled sheepishly. “Am I?”

“I thought Jason Mraz was from America.”

Playfully, he rolled his eyes. “Well how would you have me sing it?” He changed his posture and when he sang again, it was in his natural, unrestrained and loud tone. “I’m your-oh-oh-uh-orss… ow…” He punctuated this by sticking his tongue out and making his eyebrows dance for you.

“Oh my God, baby.” You said through more laughter. “How do you still have so much energy?”

“Well, um, I went to, um, my friend’s house and they, like, let me eat, um, a lot of sugar and, um, yeah…” He briefly adopted the mannerisms of an enthusiastic child. A more serious expression came onto his face as he looked down at you. “I’m kind of obnoxious today, huh?”

You shook your head as you stroked his arm. “No, you’re adorable, not obnoxious. You’re also not a jerk.”

“Neither are you, kitty.”

“Andrea is the jerk and I’m sorry for letting her get to me so much.” You said.

“You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. I’m sorry that I wasn’t more perceptive to how you were reacting to her. But do you know what- we’re probably never gonna see her again, our paths aren’t likely to cross again. And if they do, I’ll be firmer with her, she isn’t allowed to demand a single thing from me.” He said.

“I love you.” You said, feeling confident that he was on the same page as you.

“I love you too.” He said and he picked up your hand, raising it towards his face. “I’m just gonna kiss you here while your lips are in slime city over there.”

You smiled as he kissed the back of your hand. You were perfectly happy to remain just like this through the rest of your treatment time, maybe longer than that.

»»————-　♡　————-««  

🍑  taglist:  @floral-recs  - @gr8rainbowpunk -   @idyllicbutterfly - @maneskindiva - @maneslut - @saschenkaaa   -   @slavicgoddess13 - @elvirabelle - @maneskintifoso    - @thegeminisgirl    - @ha-la-ansia - @butkutee   - @ursulalurks - @itsmaneskinbitch -   @icarodamiano -   @crwnnjules - @paralianeyes - @fand0mskullfa1ry -   @lizzylynch1 - @kammerstx - @myleftsock - @tellmesomething01   -    @adoredamianos - @vittoriaisfuckingpathetic  - @gay-for-victoria-de-angelis - @shinshans - @lonnybunnys - @lyricalliz - @lifeofa-fangirl [join here!]

[lastoneout]

Okay I'm finally sitting down to properly watch the PJO series so here's an episode-by-episode live blog I guess. (Fair warning, I haven't read the books since I was a teenager, I am a smidge of an apologist for the films, and my favorite adaptation so far has been the musical.)

Episode One:

All of the actors are doing a really good job, I especially like Sally.

The costume design for both the monsters and the humans is pretty killer. I want Percy's sweater.

I also love the little seaside cabin and want to live there!!!

This is such a mild gripe BUT as someone with dyslexia I wish there was a better way to visually depict it without like, doing the swapping letters thing cuz that's just not what it's actually like at all.

Gabe maybe feels a little too funny. Like I'm supposed to hate him and think it's justified that he deserves to be turned into stone at the end, this version of him is really.....toned down, and his banter with Percy and Sally was fun to watch. I should hate him, but really he just came across as unpleasant. Less abusive asshole and more "old married couple who share interests but can't communicate without shouting" you know?

Loved Grover's little "I'm 24 actually" lmao that was great.

Not a fan of Percy immediately recognizing the Minotaur within a millisecond of it appearing before the audience even got a good look at it. Like, I just sat there thinking "how can he even see it?" rather than feeling scared of a big monster barreling at them.

The action is uh....fine? Feels a little lackluster. Or kinda....divorced from the rest of the show weirdly?? Idk it makes me feel like I'm watching a movie of a movie if that makes sense?? But we'll see where they go with it. (I know banter during a fight isn't realistic and people make fun of Marvel for it, but like...it helps to have at least a little talking. We don't wanna be Man of Steel.)

I feel like there's been a few "slightly out of sync ADR" moments but they weren't too distracting.

Pacing into Sally saying goodbye felt a little long, kinda took the shock of her dying out of the scene, but the actress REALLY sold all the emotional beats so I'll forgive it.

I LOVE the credits sequence!!! Reminds me of the designs on that one box set of the books in a really cool way.

Episode Two:

Oh yes the ugly ass neon orange shirts are here bless!

FUCK YES THAT'S DIONYSUS BAYBEEE!! My ONLY note is that he def could have turned up the energy a little, but that's probably just bcs I love how loud and unpleasant he is in the musical and I also know how unhinged this actor can be.

Chiron is such a delight <3

I like the cabins too, way better than how I imagined them as a kid reading the books lol

Oh, I can see why the new fans fell for Luke so hard.

Grover assuming a human being squished would be like an old banana is very funny. Felt very book-humor in a good way.

Clarisse!!

Oh damn actual disabled half-bloods, very cool!

Minor but I can't actually tell what Percy did wrong with the bow? Weird editing I guess.

Aside from that I actually love a good "fuck up" montage, I honestly wish it were a little longer.

Probably doesn't matter but I don't get having them burn the food after they've started eating? I thought that was a before you sit down type thing.

Percy burning the blue candy to try to talk to his mom was sweet tho T_T

"real friends" hahahaha.....yeah.......about Luke.......

yay! hazing!

Oh I love Annabeth already >:D

Thalia.....is pronounced differently than I thought....?

(I'm sorry I'm too much of a fan of 'Tree on the Hill' for this exposition dump. That shit hits harder when coming from Grover.)

Percy giving Annabeth the "actually I suck and my self esteem is riding on this so like pls don't ask me to do anything hard T_T" talk is just, so good lmao

ofc he doesn't know what's going on Annabeth you didn't tell him anything

Okay the action is a lot better when it's between the actual characters and doesn't involve a 3D monster, though I still had trouble following all the hits Percy was taking.

Oooh I can see why people did so much art of Percy being claimed that was a good shot.

FUCK YEAH TELL HIM YOU'RE SALLY JACKSON'S SON

(I hope they kept the Oracle in the attic...)

Okay I have to go do some things and then I'll be back for more!

[jackoshadows]

Ngl I do feel kinda bad when Jon calls Myrcella insipid. I know where he is coming from because he was treated so badly by Catelyn and high born women plus he's like 14 years old and not super mature yet but I hope he overcomes this particular feeling. I like that he prefers independent women that goes against gender norms of his time but it does feel kind of unfair to judge girls for following what they were taught. Anyway, he is nice to Shireen and I'm sure if he met Myrcella or Margaery or whoever he would like them because really what matters to him is wether people are good or not. I just hope that he realizes someday that is not really their fault that society expects something from them.

I mean, Jon Snow only comes off better as a man in Westeros because the other guys in this world are awful. It's all relative.

He has contempt for ladies conforming to the status quo, propriety and rules, which is probably a result of the way Catelyn and Sansa treated him as a bastard growing up in WF. He uses 'looking like a girl' as a way to insult Joffrey. He thinks Myrcella is insipid. This quote here is dripping with disdain for girls like Sansa:

A warrior princess, he decided, not some willowy creature who sits up in a tower, brushing her hair and waiting for some knight to rescue her. - Jon, ADwD

Sansa had favored her mother’s gods over her father’s. She loved the statues, the pictures in leaded glass, the fragrance of burning incense, the septons with their robes and crystals, the magical play of the rainbows over altars inlaid with mother-of-pearl and onyx and lapis lazuli. Yet she could not deny that the godswood had a certain power too. Especially by night. Help me, she prayed, send me a friend, a true knight to champion me . . . - Sansa, ACoK

He mocks the Septa and Selyse Baratheon's appearance because they have body hair. He thinks Shireen is homely and ugly because of the greyscale.

So Jon Snow does prejudge women and girls and throws out these unfair labels like 'insipid' without actually getting to know them. The difference is that while Westeros is typically sexist against nonconforming girls like Arya and Brienne, Jon has sexist opinions about the traditional ladies of high society - Myrcella, Sansa, the Septa, Selyse etc. - who adhere to the patriarchal status quo.

Again, this is no doubt shaped and colored by Jon's childhood because bastardy is also a byproduct of Northern patriarchy and Jon bore the brunt of Cat's hate and anger.

It would have been interesting to see what Jon thought personally of Catelyn in this regard considering how active and involved she was in the running of Winterfell - Ned left her in charge when he left for KL - and she was definitely no damsel in distress 'waiting for a knight to rescue her'. However, his memories of Cat seem more centered around the loathing she had for him and he seems to have connected her to other ladies simply by the way she was forcing Arya to become a mini Sansa.

I do agree with you that if Jon gets to know some of these girls, he does tend to not be as rigid in his opinions. His sexist insults for the Septa and Selyse are because they are unpleasant and rigid in their orthodoxy. On the other had when he meets Alys Karstark, he admires her bravery and the proactive way she takes charge of her future and destiny.

I also suspect that some of GRRM's own sexist humor is peeking through Jon's POV chapters - like the Septa having to shave her legs? That sounds like the humor a middle aged man in the nineties would write about. Or descriptions like ugly and fat. Though, again I suspect GRRM's love for overweight characters and the many, many descriptions of them being fat with their many chins is about him being chubby and it's not meant as an insult. He just loves fat characters!!

So yeah, while Jon does come off as far better than like 99% of the men of Westeros, at the end of the day he can also be that reddit dudebro throwing out sexist insults.

[marblecakemix]

Lesbian anon from the other blog here 😅

My question is a bit... Too much, I guess, and I understand if you don't feel comfortable answering. So... I figured I was bisexual (?) when I was around the age of 13. I finally understood that what I felt towards other girls and women was actually sexual attraction and things made sense. I had never really felt attracted to boys or men when I was younger — my walls were covered in posters of only female celebrities and I kind of forced myself to have "crushes" on boys because of my friends. As a preteen, I kissed boys and tried to enjoy it, but it felt so pointless and dry... By that time, I hadn't kissed any girls yet. But when I was 14, I was sexually assaulted by a much older man, which made my mind a terrifying place to live in. After that, I finally had experiences with other girls and really enjoyed it, craved it, felt good about it, so I know that I am indeed attracted to women (I still feel this way). But with men (and boys, when I was younger – I'm in my early 20s now), it was just me trying to enjoy it, you know? I had sex twice with men and I didn't feel attracted to them at all. It wasn't only dull, but also unpleasant. But I still kept trying to force myself to be with men. When I talked about this issue of mine with people (even the ones who said were not homophobic), they just say that it's because the "right man for me" is still out there and all that shit. But, really, I don't want anything to do with men. I hate kissing them, having sex with them, touching and being touched by them, I hate their smell and the texture of their skin. When my straight or bisexual female friends show me pictures of the men they find attractive (usually shirtless or only wearing underwear), I feel nothing. It's very different from when I look at photos of women I find attractive, even if they're dressed in the photo. What has been bothering me the most is that I don't know if I'm a lesbian or if I just dislike men because I suffered sexual trauma. I know that the label is not really that important, but I wouldn't want to be disrespectful towards actual lesbians when saying that I am a lesbian while not being entirely sure of it. Also... I have two questions:

First, is it normal for people to just chalk it up to being bisexual when a woman is wondering if she's a lesbian?

Second, is it normal for lesbians to find some men attractive, but not in a sexual way? Like just consider a man good looking, but not wanting to have anything to do with him.

I'm so sorry for the long ask!! I didn't know how to make it shorter 😭💖

It's quite alright my love! I hear you and I myself kissed two guys in my life (when I was 12-13) and was pretty sure I had a crush on one, but as you wrote, I felt nothing for any of those guys. My first true love was my girl friend and from then on I would call myself asexual (I didn't feel sexual attraction to men and I repressed my attraction to women, bc I was raised catholic) and tried to fall for men, but all of them were so ugly and looking at them did nothing to me. Only after 4-5 years from my first crush (1-2 years since now) I understood I'm in fact attracted to women very much xd. I think that most lesbians go through this phase of trying to fit in a heteronormative life, but failing, because surprise, they don't like men. Some recognize it sooner, some later in life.

To answer your questions:

I think that it's more common, yes. Men are perverted creatures and many like to watch and participate in wlw sex. Plus, bisexual women are the most ideal for men, because they can make her have sex with him and fulfill his perversion. Another side to this is that people don't like lesbians, because by definition they most likely won't have children which is a big no no for current society.

I read somewhere a post from a lesbian that lesbians aren't afraid to say that some men's bodies can be appealing, because they are comfortable with their sexuality. I sometimes like to look at muscles/build bodies, no matter to whom they belong, because I want to look like that and that's what I find attractive, but I only feel sexual attraction forwards women.

If it's any help, you can look up the term febfem that bisexual women use to say they are only interested in dating women and see if that makes you feel comfortable. From what I'm reading, I think that you're a lesbian with internalized homophobia. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what you call yourself. It's of course easier to find similar people, but you can always say that you're only looking for girls to spend a night and life with and that'll be fine too. If other people have a problem with it, fuck them.

I hope that I helped in some way 💕

[minijenn]

Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Antz

So as I mentioned earlier, I'm watching every Dreamworks animated movie (and special) ever because... I don't know, I fucking hate myself, I guess. But for reals, this studio is so weird because sometimes they'll make the greatest movies literally ever crafted (Prince of Egypt, How to Train Your Dragon, Puss in Boots the Last Wish) and other times they'll make absolute shit like what I had to fucking watch to kick this marathon off. Goddamn fucking Antz.

I plan on doing drive by reviews of each of these movies on here because well, what's the point of watching all these films if I'm not gonna share what I think. So yeah, let's start with 1998's Antz, the first Dreamworks animated film and by god its one of their worst.

If you asked me to tell you what Antz is about, I'm honestly not sure I'd be able to give you a coherent answer because I'm not sure Antz itself knows what Antz is about. Like I think its about individuality? About breaking free from opressive systems?? About thinking for yourself? I guess? But like its annoyingly heavy handed with that message to the point that it doesn't let its audience think for itself. It does a lot of telling instead of showing and as such creates a viewing experience as dull as the dirt these ants call home.

Also lets talk about these Antz. They are Ugly as Sin like seriously who looked at these character designs and thought this was ok???

Most stompable ants of all fucking time if you ask me and the non ants aren't much better. Behold, my new sleep paralysis demons:

As for how the characters act... yeah they're not much better than how they look. The main character, Z, is an annoying asshole who just spends most of the film bitching (and yes they actually use that word, this movie is weirdly littered with swears and cussing and sexual innuendos? More on that later) about his shitty lot in life and even once he breaks free he's still agressively uninteresting. His love interest Bala is just as uninteresting, an arrogant bitch who flip flops about how she feels about him with almost no development whatsoever. The side characters are all forgettable, and the villain, General Mandible is just your generic "wants to rule everyone and get rid of anyone who opposes him" bad guy. The world they inhabit isn't really that creative tbh, they hype up this place called Insectopia but its just a trash heap where a bunch of stoner bugs live and its really not that important to the plot at all really so why do we care???

Blatant product placement what what

Also yeah that plot. It starts out as Z being incontent with his lot in life as a simple worker ant and so he switches places with his friend Weaver so he can be a soldier ant, only to be the lone survivor of a battle against a group of opposing termites. This somehow leads to him and Bala winding up outside of the colony and they go on a lame ass adventure that seems incredibly rushed while Mandible is planning to wipe out all of the "lesser" ants and take Bala as his queen i guess? idk i kinda zoned out toward the end bc i was so soul-crushingly board with this movie.

The animation can be impressive for the time I suppose, that's really the only good thing I have to say about it but even then, the colors are dirty and unappealing, the characters are, like I said, all incredibly hard to look at, the music is bland and forgettable, the set pieces are garish and boring, and the writing oh god the writing.

Ok so I have no idea who this movie is meant to be for??? Like its rated PG right but they're constantly throwing out swears like bitch and ass and anus and making sex jokes and I'm just like??? What??? Is this a kids movie? Because what kid would enjoy this thoroughly unpleasant kinda dark movie? Is it for adults? Why would adults want to watch a movie about wisecracking ants??? Who is this for? Why did they make this? Ok well I know why because Pixar was making a very similar film at the very same time as this and Jeffery Katzenburg is a Petty Bitch

Really, at the end of the day, all I can say about this movie is just... don't bother with it? It really sucks, its agressively unappealing and unpleasant to sit through, and when its not assulting you with you how gross it is, its assualting you with how painfully boring it is. I don't think I even cracked a smile once while watching it. What a fucking way to start a Dreamworks marathon off on. Jesus.

Overall rating: 1/10

Verdict: Step on these damn Antz already

Next Review (Prince of Egypt)

[greatwyrmgold]

Ugh, is this how Oda redeems Pudding? There are layers to my irritation, so bear with me.

Layer 1: We don't find out that Pudding has a lot of traumatic experiences with people calling her third eye creepy or gross until after Pudding tears up at Sanji calling her eye beautiful.

And it's not like a third eye is something obviously hideous and disfiguring that we can assume that kind of backstory about, especially in a world like One Piece's where forearms the size of your torso or an egg-shaped body or a zipper-mouth or whatever's going on with Gecko Moriah are treated as normal. I know Oda's female character designs tend to be more conservative, but still, this is ridiculous.

My point is, we needed a Pudding backstory flashback before chapter 862 if this was gonna work.

Layer 2: I'm sick of "Your mild flaw is beautiful!"

Not much to say here. It's a pretty common way to try and add some conflict to a romantic subplot without needing to resolve any conflict. One partner (almost always the girl/woman) has some physical abnormality that she's self-conscious about, even though it's almost always designed in such a way that it doesn't affect her appeal to the lowest common denominator. After enough drama has been wrung out of that plot point, the other partner (usually the guy) says that he doesn't think that barely-visible birthmark or cool demon powers or iconic scar or whatever makes her ugly.

This isn't always bad; Shrek handles it well. From the start of the film, we see that most people treat ogres badly, either fleeing in terror or chasing them with torches and pitchforks. We also learn how Fiona turning into an ogre at night has affected her specifically, how it was treated as a horrible problem to be solved and how she internalized that. And uncontrollably turning into a big green person isn't cool the way that voluntarily turning into a cool dragon would be. Shrek-ogres are designed to look weird more than cool; some people think they look cool, but they recognize that this is far from a universal opinion.

My point is that Shrek spent act 1 explaining why people might not want to turn into an ogre and act 2 explaining why Fiona specifically hates her curse, so when Shrek says "You're beautiful" in act 3 it has an actual emotional impact. Four panels of people insulting Pudding's eye (and three of her stabbing some of those people) just doesn't have the same impact. Sure, one of those people is her beloved mother, but one panel just isn't enough time to make Pudding's strong feelings about her eye feel real. (Especially since that panel comes after Sanji calls it beautiful.)

Layer 3: Why should being called "beautiful" by some guy matter?

If you're the kind of person who gets mad when someone implies there might be sexism in One Piece, this is your cue to leave.

The idea that women are vain and care deeply about their beauty is a pretty big Sexism Point, and it's hardly unique to Pudding. (See Nami for a prominent example, and in particular that bit in chapter...471 where Nami gets distracted by how pretty the wedding dress that someone dressed her in while she was unconscious. Relevant)

Women being focused on the approval of men is another big Sexism Point, though it's thankfully one One Piece hasn't indulged in much. Still, having a woman instantly change her mind on something significant because a man calls her pretty is a bad look.

Let's go over what happened here. Pudding was all gung-ho for Big Mom's plan where Sanji and his family get murdered and Big Mom gets all their fancy toys. Big Mom is really important to her, and she recognizes thinks that Sanji is just an unpleasant idiot. Then Sanji compliments her once and she's conflicted enough to fall to her knees instead of shooting Sanji, which she was looking forward to just a few pages prior. (And most of those pages are focused on the wedding guests, not the bride and groom.)

How am I supposed to interpret this, except "Pudding cares more about some guy calling her pretty than she cares about Big Mom, when loyalty to her has been her only established motivation until this second"?

Layer 4: Charlotte Pudding

If you're one of the people who responded to my last Charlotte Pudding post with comments about how I need to keep reading (I'm 862 chapters in, of course I'm gonna keep reading) or that I'd really like where Pudding ends up, hello! I really hope this isn't what you were talking about, because this seems like more of what I was complaining about there.

When we meet Pudding, she seems like a kinda flat Nice Girl character, lying to save some strangers from Big Mom's police. It's a bit interesting that someone like that came out of the authoritarian Charlotte family, but that's about it.

Then it's revealed that she's actually not nice, she's evil, that Nice Girl personality was just an act. We're back to square 1, we need to rebuild Charlotte Pudding from scratch. This time she's equally flat, but also exactly what we'd expect from the authoritarian Charlotte family: A woman willing to do anything if Mom commands it.

And here, Pudding has a change of heart. A few nice words from Sanji have driven her to some third characterization. Maybe it'll be fleshed out, but I kinda doubt it. First, look at Pudding's history so far; he's not someone Oda has devoted much time to characterizing. He didn't even bother to explain the trauma triggering this crucial plot point until after it happened!

Second, I know chapter 1000 is deep in the Wano Country arc, and at chapter 862 the Whole Cake Island arc is far from finished. Sanji and the Vinsmokes need to have a reckoning and Luffy needs to beat up Big Mom and all this family drama needs to be wrapped up with enough time for the Straw Hats to get most of the way through another arc in less than 140 chapters. There's not a lot of time for Pudding to get her belated development.

Layer 5: Tumblr's Pudding fans

I'm not talking about the asshole who asked if I was dropped on my head as a fetus. I'm talking about the nice ones, the ones who encouraged me to keep an open mind about Pudding. The ones who raised my expectations enough that I could be disappointed. It's not logical, but I can't deny that that disappointment is part of why I'm spending so long complaining about this kinda irrelevant side character who Oda didn't think was important enough to develop properly.

That's the core of the problem, I think. Given all the pieces I have now, I can imagine a version of Charlotte Pudding who is really interesting. One whose self-loathing and devotion to Big Mom were properly established and explored. One who feels worthless and isolated. Maybe even one whose allegiance can change with a compliment without that feeling like a exist cliche.

But that's not what Oda wrote, whether because he didn't have room to write that without slowing the story too much or because he spent his writing spoons elsewhere. We got a character with two or three flat personalities that she switches between, without ever cohering as a gestalt whole.

She seems less like a person and more like a plot device. And now the big fight's starting, so that seems unlikely to change.

[ghostcrows]

That being said I do wanna talk about something here because I feel like people here might get it more than other places

I'm really sort of grappling with I guess actually accepting that I heavily exhibit BPD symptoms and have for years, like to the point that regardless of my feelings toward that diagnosis and who gives it out and their reasons for it - and despite my reservations toward any type of official diagnosis -AND despite feeling like I prematurely diagnosed myself as a teen and then avoiding the label altogether - I just want to treat the symptoms so that things can get better.

It's very isolating. I feel things incredibly intensely. It doesn't just go away it rattles my whole body physically for days or weeks. When I get attached to people it becomes unbearable for me and eventually, almost inevitably, for that person too

I struggle with what I think must be splitting, where...I think it's not quite as black and white as splitting is presented as where I absolutely hate someone or I absolutely love someone, but it's very close. Usually it's this conflicting mess of both at the same time, this very ugly place where resentment (founded or unfounded) meets complete idolization. It's not a position anybody deserves to be put in and I try to keep it to myself but, it's hard to hide intense feelings. People can usually tell when you're acting moody and weird even if you think you've got a good handle on it. And its incredibly overwhelming

And of course I've got abandonment issues lol...kind of the root of the whole thing right...and of course it becomes self fulfilling prophecy you know how that is...very annoying. Very unfair

And...I can be meaner than I like to think I'm capable of...it's usually a subtle thing but that's probably honestly worse. It's the kind of mean where I can even convince myself I'm not really being mean..but I am. Like. I'm certainly not being nice...and it comes from honestly usually just not knowing how to communicate that I'm in some weird fucking mood. When you tell people you're in a mood a lot of the time they're like oh whats up what's wrong and sometimes yeah you can talk about it to feel better but sometimes there's just nothing. You're just in some damn ass mood. It has not much to do with anything. And when you're in those moods it's hard to be around people and not be irritable and nasty. But it's also hard to be alone with it. And if you isolate you start to feel like a monster who needs to be locked up so that you don't hurt anybody. It's difficult to constantly be in some weird headspace that alienates you from other people.

And im impulsive in like...not quite as extreme ways as severe BPD but I have been there before where I was doing some of those things. It's more things like sending people 20000 texts a second or just like Reacting without stepping away and then having things immediately escalate. Getting to where I'm angry enough that I break things and i hurt myself. Not being able to sit with an unpleasant feeling. Not being able to handle criticism or rejection well

All of that to say... that it is a struggle and it's something I'm looking for good resources on. I'm trying out some self help DBT workbooks to see if that does anything for me. I don't know if I want to try CBT again I don't know how much it helped before but I know most therapists do CBT now ... I keep hearing about EMDR as some magical fuckin miracle treatment but I still barely know what it is. I'm not currently interested in being on medications but I'm not 100 percent against it either. Im at a crossroads with the very idea of therapy where I do think I need it but I also don't know how much it can realistically do for me or if I can find somethijg or someone that works for me. And also I can't afford it rn lol.

So um, if you struggle with this sort of stuff too just like feel free to DM me because I'd really like to talk about it with people who get it. And if you have anything that has helped you with these types of symptoms please feel free to share it. I will look into it

[fangirlinglikeabus]

i am Very behind on my wildfell weekly posting but uh...here are my notes from ch 38 (an injured man)

i love the character detail where helen admits she didn't look too closely at huntingdon and annabella because if she noticed something it would mean she was duty-bound to tell lord lowborough and she dreaded doing that. it's a very human response imo - knowing technically you should be living up to your morals but avoiding the evidence you should be doing so because of how unpleasant it would be

when lord lowborough asks helen how long she's known she notes 'i felt like a criminal' - it's like she's smeared with the ‘criminal connection’ she warned annabella against at the beginning of the chapter

“I have noticed a change in your appearance since the first years of your marriage,” pursued he: “I observed it to—to that infernal demon,” he muttered between his teeth; “and he said it was your own sour temper that was eating away your bloom: it was making you old and ugly before your time, and had already made his fireside as comfortless as a convent cell."

FUCK ARTHUR HUNTINGDON ALL MY HOMIES HATE ARTHUR HUNTINGDON

she tells lowborough she has learned to APPEAR calm….oh helen…you deserve to be able to express your emotions openly :(

Looking upon him with a countenance livid with furious hate, Lord Lowborough muttered between his closed teeth a deadly execration he would not have uttered had he been calm enough to choose his words, and departed.

am assuming this is ‘go to hell’ or something similar. gotta love the classic victorian writer habit of being very coy when it comes to writing about any sort of swearing

 “I call that an unchristian spirit now,” said the villain. “But I’d never give up an old friend for the sake of a wife. You may have mine if you like, and I call that handsome; I can do no more than offer restitution, can I?”

FUCK ARTHUR HUNTINGDON ETC

He subsequently expressed himself rather glad she was gone. “She was so deuced imperious and exacting,” said he. “Now I shall be my own man again, and feel rather more at my ease.”

oh this actually makes me quite sad for annabella...she treated her husband terribly but she was so convinced that she was doing it for some great love and THIS is how he treats her...ultimately any woman who isn’t a complete doormat is going to be too controlling for him, regardless of whether it’s helen’s attempts at moralising or annabella’s more flattering arguments to wean him off drink

[luna-loner]

Why I Love Them ❤

Gakushuu:

He's a complex character, what else can I say? It's so interesting to explore his relationship with other characters, be it the B5, his dad, or the E Class; Gakushuu offers so much potential.

Seo:

My second favorite Virtuoso! Seo's appeal for me largely comes from his most unappealing quality, which is his personality. Sure, he's an ass, but I admire how blunt and rude he is. He always gets me thinking of the question "Would you rather speak your mind or never speak again?"

Now, we know which option Seo would pick, and honestly, I would too were it not for the real life consequences that comes with it. Even when you speak your mind in a respectful way, some will still hate you and call you all kimds of names. Seo isn't exempt from this as he makes others uncomfortable, which is what makes him all the more intriguing for me. I'm not saying it's not deserved, but I sympathize with him for being insecure. (See all my other B5 and Seo-related posts for more details)

Basically, I love exploring Seo's psyche and unmasking the insecure soul beneath the arrogent facade; and the more I look into him, the more I wonder if you'd really rather speak your mind or forever stay silent, and just how far are you willing to go with your words?

Ren:

Just like with Seo, I'm interested in Ren's personality. I firmly believe he's a lot more than just another philanderer in the series. He's very calm, even under unpleasant situations. Even with their humiliating defeat against E Class, Ren still maintained his smile and composure. He's a good friend, not just to Gakushuu, but even to the rest of the B5. Shame his dynamic with them was never explored.

I have mixed feelings on his womanizing habits. I definetely don't like how pushy and touchy he is with girls (see episode 15), but boy, does that make him a fearsome opponent. He's like Irina's long lost desciple for crying out loud! This boy even suduced a middle-aged woman in the manga, WTH?!! I like the idea of Ren seducing girls for his friends' benefits (mainly Gakushuu) rather than solely for his own entertainment. I just love the idea of Ren helping his friends in the most questionable (downright terrible) method. Do you not see the depth this gives him? I love my morally gray Ren 🥰

Araki:

Honestly, it's his design, from the green hair and gold eyes combo, to his round face, to his freaking glasses! Araki. Is. Adorable!

Then there's his character; I was surprised to learn from the character book that Araki's actually a nice guy unless you're someone beneath him. We mostly saw the asshole side, which makes sense given how AC is E Class's story. Still, I like this two-faced aspect, makes you realize that even the nicest souls have skeletons in their closet.

Koyama:

His design, mostly....Koyama is the embodiment of "So ugly it's cute" (No offence, Koyama 😅) I just love how he's so tiny compared to the others (mainly because he's always slouching) it's cute and lowkey funny. Then there's that goddam shit-eating grin of his, and we can't forget about his gremlin laugh.

And now, thanks to Koro Q, I now see him as a diehard fantasy nerd and it's really wholesome.

The Big Five:

As a group, there's so much potential dynamic left to explore. Ren as the cool and calm party guy, Seo as the (blunt) voice of reasons, Araki as the second-in-command, and so much more! You can pair up two random Virtuosos and make up the most intriguing, maybe senseless dynamic ever.

But above all, it's the found family aspect that makes these idiots so lovable. It's admirable how the B5 remained loyal to their leader despite his worrisome obsession with crushing E Class, not out of fear, but because they genuinely love him. Ren can speak with him as equals, Koyama is grateful for the ego boost, and Seo hated seeing Gakushuu constantly lose. Gakushuu thought he was collecting minons, but he accidentally created his very own adoptive family. Now he has to live with the consequences of his actions-- Four of them to be exact!

That's all, folk! Would love to hear what other people love about these boys, especially from my mutuals 👀

[77angelnumbers77]

who’s your patron troll and what’s your opinion on them?

My patron troll is Vriska, which is honestly what probably drew me to her in the first place. I have so many opinions on Vriska. Here are some of the big ones -- under the cut because this ended up being excruciatingly long.

I think Vriska operates as a reflection of Alternia as a whole. She is one of the worst things Alternain society can produce, so she works to serve as a reflection of its ugly bits. To feed her lusus, she kills in the hundreds. To cope with this, she acts confident about it -- rarely even fooling herself, but few others care to see through this facade. She is mean, spiteful, petty, and proud. She is also the equivalent of a thirteen year old girl being asked to do the unthinkable on a daily basis. It is important to remember that she hates her lusus, and that if she did not act proud, it would show that she is weak and a target. She is nothing that she was not made to be, and she is capable of showing regret.

Additionally, she did very little that she was not asked to do, either by her lusus or Doc Scratch. Everything else was a disproportionate reaction to something someone else had done to her -- or something she felt they did to her. This is especially clear on a second or third re-read of Homestuck. The first time, you may have no idea what's going on. The second time, knowing Doc Scratch, you will probably see it as a red flag when he pops up. and for Vriska, he was there with her every step of the way. It's very clear to me that he was manipulating her. I'll come back to this.

She's not actually a very good manipulator. She uses her mind powers when she needs to, but mostly in small, obnoxious ways to win arguments. Oddly enough, she either can't or doesn't read people's minds with these powers. She doesn't act out very much when she's not already very upset -- she shows hesitation even when she's being haunted. This means that through most of the revenge cycle, she was very upset, as evidenced by the eights popping up everywhere, the goading, her breaking her eight balls and generally being very unpleasant. We don't actually know what Vriska looks like in her element until she dies -- only for it to be undone -- and Vriska in her element is . . . shockingly different. She is very reflective of herself, and she shows a giant capacity for regret and empathy. Imagine how excruciating this must have been for her while watching her friendships crumble around her as she lost control. I'm not saying she's entirely a victim, or that there's nothing she could've done -- her choice is what makes her interesting. Back to the manipulation though: for a so called "master manipulator", Vriska does very little actual manipulation. She bosses people around, to mixed results, but for the most part, she relies on powers that she doesn't actually use that much, even going so far as to express jealousy for Terezi's ability to manipulate people without mind powers.

Vriska did to Tavros what was done to her. The comparison between Vriska's relationship with her lusus and Vriska's relationship with Tavros is very difficult for me to ignore. She convinced herself that what she had to go through for her lusus was building character and making her more powerful. She sees a weak, shy boy, and she thinks "this isn't right. He's too weak to last long, I need to help keep him alive" -- so she does this in the only way she knows how -- by physically and psychologically torturing him to build character. She does love Tavros, just in an incredibly twisted way.

Alright, here it is down here -- Vriska was manipulated by Doc Scratch. Can I just pull out a screenshot and it do the talking?

Page 2244

Scratch is goading Vriska into revenge. She is upset. She resists. She references that Scratch not only wanted her to try and kill Tavros, but that he helped. He is the one with the idea to kill Aradia, and he tells her that she won't be able to help herself. Doc Scratch is grooming Vriska -- pretty fucking transparently. I'm not sure why I never see the fandom talking about this. Probably because it's just easier to hate Vriska instead. I'm not bitter 😭

Alright, I think that's about it. If I think of anything else I'll add to this post! Thanks for asking, have a great day!

[daisyknife]

Can I take a tiny moment to be a bit vain here?

I never made a secret that I have deep body image issues. I spend so much time fixating on everything I don’t like about my appearance (my weight, my skin, my hair and eye colour, my *nose*, my hands, my height, my shape, my teeth, my body hair; you name it, I hate it) and as a result I maintain the opinion that I am objectively what could be considered, by the vast majority of people, “ugly”. Unattractive, unpleasant to look at, off putting even.

I don’t like what I see in any mirror or glass door and yet I can’t help but furtively reach for them with the corner of my eye, to constantly monitor just how ashamed of myself I should feel at any given moment. I give my appearance way too much importance, I know, I can’t help it. I tried not paying attention to it and that just led to complete self neglect. I felt even worse because I failed to only stop caring about my appearance, instead I didn’t care about myself at all. It’s a side of my life that needs work.

That’s why whenever I actually feel beautiful I want to celebrate it so much. I don’t even care if looking back I will pick apart my appearance again, I don’t care even if the vast majority of people will agree with me that even in those moments I could be called, objectively, “ugly”.

Yesterday I felt beautiful for the first time in months.

Today I wanna celebrate that before I forget what it feels like. Again.

[pjisskullourful]

hey my gorgeous ones!

so my funk is continuing(hoofuckinray). theres just some shit going on in my personal life& the emotional fatigue has bled into creative constipation& im really struggling to get much of anything written. i've switched off commissions for the moment, just wanting to take it a bit easy on myself while im trying to get back on my bullshit

as a please-dont-hate-me for the delays that are ongoing, here is the first almost 2k of chapter 25 of stained sheets. its all i have sofar, there are two whole more scenes to write so i genuinely cant say when you'll be getting it

thanks for any patience& understanding you swing my way. stay selfishly happy my thotties

You paused from closing the fly on your high-waisted pants - you had been trying on the outfit you wanted to wear to dinner tonight, but something had caught your eye, distracting you.

A jagged, dark line reached up from just above the waistband of your underwear. This stretch mark was brand new to your eyes. It hit you like an actual wound, your gut twisting and your mind racing.

As your throat clenched, you stopped caring about checking that your choice of outfit was cute or not. You hated this intruder on the side of your tummy. This new line was a failure on your part, maybe if you weren’t so lazy, or spent less time playing video games, you could have avoided gaining another mark in your ugly collection. You were frozen with the top of your pants in your hands.

How long had this mark been on your body? Had Damiano seen it - what did he think when he looked at it?

This was supposed to be a fun day - the day before Easter, and some friends of his were hosting a dinner that would end in an egg hunt through their garden. You were going to be meeting more of the people he had grown up with. But most importantly, you were getting to spend the whole weekend with him, there hadn’t been many of those so far this year. There was no Måneskin-business to take him out of the country, he was just your boyfriend this weekend.

You didn’t want to waste any of this precious time with your insecurities. You wished you hadn’t seen the line, because it hadn’t been as simple as noticing it. You were having a full reaction to it. The change of mood inside of you was almost a tangible sensation.

You didn’t know how to resolve it, you just knew that you wanted the unpleasantness to stop. Your  solution was to physically move away from it. You undressed without completing the try-on process, so desperate to walk away and pretend this negativity didn’t exist. You just needed to refresh yourself and then you would be able to get back on the right track.

“I’m gonna have a shower.” You loudly announced without knowing if he actually heard you. He might be outside having a cigarette, or otherwise occupied too far from the bedroom.

You went into the bathroom and stopped at the vanity, pulling your hairbrush out of a draw. You took your hair down and started brushing through any tangles. Standing in front of the wide mirror, it wasn’t easy to keep your concentration on your hair. Your eyes wanted to wander, to find other flaws in the reflection to tear yourself apart over.

Until you were given the perfect distraction. Your boyfriend came into the room, his figure filling the reflection behind you. He was dressed in only a pair of underwear, wearing a festive headband on top of his short hair. It was enough to make you smile, even though you had to feign annoyance.

“Take those off.” You said as sternly as you could manage.

“You got it, baby.” He said, promptly taking his briefs off.

You were amused, even as you rolled your eyes. You turned your back on the mirror, more than happy to put all of your attention on him. “I meant the bunny ears and you know it.”

The fuzzy rabbit ears remained fixed on his head as he furrowed his brow. “I’m confused, do you want me to put the underwear back on?”

“Damiano.” You warned, but this only resulted in getting him to say your name back to you, in a sing-songy way, delivered with a positively devilish smile. “I never should have let you take the ears from my office…”

His eyes grew wide and he pointed an accusing finger at you. “You were the one who took them.”

You let this unserious discussion progress, exaggerating your shock. “How dare you accuse me.”

“No, how dare you. I was just there to pick you up from work. You were the one who pulled them out of the cute little window display and put them on my head.” He said.

“I didn’t think you were going to walk out still wearing them. And I was kind of distracted, I was working.” You added to his recollection. “Now you must take them off before they get stretched or broken ‘cause I’ve gotta put them back, they’ll probably be part of next year’s Easter display.”

He resisted, still. “I like them. You have to agree that they look better on me than they did in the window.”

“I agree.” You said. “Now take them off.”

The thing that was stopping you from simply snatching the accessory off of him, was the knowledge of how getting too close to him would change this situation entirely. He could physically overpower you in an instant and any illusion of you having some control would be banished.

“You can ask nicer than that, kitty.” He said, very clearly enjoying this teasing.

“Can you please take the ears off for me, please and thank you.” You said, even clasping your hands together in front of yourself to further sell it.

He cocked his head to the side. “I didn’t hear a single word you said. It’s kinda hard to hear you over all of those clothes you’re wearing.”

You reminded yourself how much you enjoyed being called a ‘good girl’ as inspiration to help you bite back any sarcastic comments. You even resisted the urge to roll your eyes.

You removed the two items that you were wearing - a bra and a pair of panties. You cupped your hands to either side of your mouth and spoke at a much higher volume. “Can you hear me now?”

He smiled and nodded. “Yes, did you have a request for me or something?”

“Can you please take those ears off for me, please?” You asked.

“Why, of course I can.” He said, plucking the accessory off of his head. “Here you go.”

You snatched it out of his hand, holding it securely in both of yours. “I’m gonna find someplace to hide these from you.”

“I can’t imagine why you would think that’s necessary. I’ll get the shower started while you do that, shall I?”

This made you pause from leaving the room. “Oh, you’re joining me?”

“Yeah, unless that’s not okay? I thought we should shower together, to save water.” He said.

You smirked. “To save water. Yep, that’s fine.”

You carried the confiscated item over to where you kept your work bag. It was enough to put it into your bag and shut the zipper. If he pulled it out of there he would be in the wrong - you’d both know it, and any argument would be in your favour.

When you returned to the bathroom, it was to find him standing under the stream of water. You were further distracted from your earlier issues as you admired how great he looked when soaking wet.

He turned his head and smiled at the sight of you, beckoning you in with a curling of his finger. You stepped in, sliding the door shut behind yourself. You shouldn’t have been surprised when he was instantly drawing you in for kisses, his hands cradling your face. There were times when the two of you could share a focused shower, spending as much time washing yourselves as you did making out.

But the look he had given you had indicated that this wasn’t the case for today. You linked your arms around his waist, indulging in this as the noise of the persistent water blocked out everything else. You felt how easy it would be to melt as his mouth worked tenderly against yours.

His hands left your face, slowly moving down to where the water had already reached. He started to kiss his way off of your mouth, his lips pressing against your chin before going lower. You couldn’t help arching your back into him as his lips worked across your throat. This was the closeness that you absolutely ached for when he was away, showers (like pretty much everything else) were so dull without him.

But -

“I need to wash my hair. This shower was supposed to have purpose.” You said.

He stopped what he was doing to look up at you. “Nobody’s stopping you from washing your hair. Look, I’ll even help. I’ve got lots of time to help with washing your hair these days.”

“I could return the favour and use my volumising shampoo on your hair.” You said of his well maintained buzzcut.

He wore a deadpan expression, blinking at you. “Hilarious. I swear, you’ve missed your calling in life. You shouldn’t be doing admin work- stand-up comedy, that’s where you should be. Netflix would give you a special so fast.”

“Because I’m a special girl.” You said as he let go of you to grab the shampoo bottle.

The intimacy wasn’t totally lost in this process. The two of you remained standing very close together (even though there was ample room for each of you in here) and you took every opportunity to touch him.

When he began to massage the shampoo into your scalp, you could have let out a moan of pleasure. You shut your eyes and soaked up every second of his attentiveness. His fingers slowly dragging across your scalp was the only thing that you needed right now.

“Stop making that face.” He said, his voice so stern that your eyes instantly snapped open, you were practically ready to apologise at once. “That’s a sex face and if you keep it up you’re gonna get me hard, which isn’t the purpose of this shower, right?”

You almost began giggling, you covered your face with both of your hands. “I didn’t mean to. I, I guess I was enjoying myself a little too much.”

“I’ll say.”

You parted your fingers to peek at him. “Did I really do a sex face?”

“Oh, yes. If you want me to get specific- it was your edging face. When I see that face I know that I’m doing it right and your brain is getting all empty.” He said before instructing you to tilt your head back under the stream of water.

As he rinsed all of the product out of your hair, you physically cringed. “Oh my God, I hope I don’t make that face when they’re washing my hair at the hairdressers.”

“Relax baby, I’m the only one who knows that face is linked to naughtiness.” He said.

You tried your best to stay in constant awareness, and control, over your facial expressions as he conditioned your hair. The lack of massaging on your scalp kept you from that floaty feeling.

“What do you think, is that up to your standards?” He asked, losing the careful look on his face that he had been wearing during this task.

You tested his work by running your fingers through the ends of your hair. “It feels perfect. Thank you, Daddy.” You reached out to tap the end of his nose.

[fanfictionatic]

I’m sorry

This is probably going to make a lot of people upset, but I have pretty much been forced to use an AI for concept art of my OCs. I still want to commission someone eventually, but unfortunately after doing a lot of digging I just absolutely could not find anyone willing to do 3 character concept arts for a story as dark as mine and even if I could, I would probably have to scrap if I ever publish physical copies of my book since no one I have seen with slots open is willing to do art for that kind of thing at all (which would make me feel bad if I did publish my book as an actual book because if I like the artwork I would want to include it and give the person I commissioned a cut for every copy sold with the cool art). My plan is to use these images as place holders as long as Outcasts is completely free and there are no physical books/I find someone that I can actually commission for the art I need.

Money isn’t really the problem, I have a decent budget for this. But the fact is no human will draw my characters at the moment and stock images have their own issues so I have nowhere else to turn to. My first story was so unpleasing aesthetically with the stock image I picked that I’m worried it might sink any chance of people reading it if I continue like this. I have spent years writing up the plot and characters for this story and I can’t let it fail just because someone picked a more colorful header than me and the post with my story slipped through the cracks. I spent sooo long just working on writing that chapter alone and it was all for nothing because other horror writers can actually draw and I can’t because I am pretty much just a writer and nothing else. Having all of that work go to waste broke me after looking at the numbers my non original work gets, but no one is going to click on a boring grey post with a stuffy old stock image when there are pages and pages of OC sheets in the tags and incredible art that I could only ever dream of making.

I don’t blame people for not wanting to draw for something this dark, but at the same time I need to do something. I can’t just sit back and let my original work be hidden like this forever because I couldn’t make the posts visually appealing enough with what I have.

Let me make this clear, I do not like what the AI art industry is doing. I am not by any means a capitalist. I am aware that the AI can be used for theft and while I used to do a lot of AI art back when it was fun and memey, I have taken pretty much all of it down that I can remember posting. While I like the tech behind it, I am not going to dance around the fact that the creators of these programs are money hungry bastards that don’t care if actual art thieves use their programs and have no regard for the actual artists that got the programs there in the first place.

This is why I’m apologizing. Because I know that currently there is no ethical way to use these programs unless the people that make them start putting in safeguards against theft. This is a bad thing I am doing and I fully admit that. You are absolutely free to hate me and unfollow me for this because damn, I would probably do the same thing and I hate myself for doing this too.

But this story just means too much to me to let it die in a hole. At the end of the day I hate the people that ruined this tech for everyone because of capitalism and theft, but I do not hate them more than I love my characters and the world I built. They have kept me company when my real friends and family literally and figuratively left me to die. I feel like I owe it to them to do this so that their story can be shared the way it needs to be.

So I am sorry to everyone, but I am going to do what needs to be done for one of the few things that makes me want to live anymore even if it is a very horrible and ugly thing to do.

I really wish it hadn’t come to this. I don’t plan to make money off of these things and I can only hope to whatever god exists that someone comes along that I can commission eventually because I’m still not willing to publish a paper book with art made using programs run by these awful people. If I have to keep it free/virtual forever and never publish a physical book so be it. I wanted to eventually turn it into a physical book because physical books are another dying media that I enjoy that got ruined by tech, but I’m not in it for the money, I am in it to tell a story and to create my own art which is my writing.

I know I am still an absolutely awful person for doing this and refusing to make money off of this isn’t much of a protest, but it’s all I can really do when I’m backed into a corner like this.

Also I hope one day someone can train one of these programs and safeguard it the right way so that people like me aren’t strong armed into supporting people that hurt artists, because there are sadly probably more people like me out there with dark content that will run into the same problem. Artists shouldn’t be forced to draw things they are uncomfortable with and maybe in some brighter future, AI could be a more ethical substitute for that than it is now.

[paragonrobits]

Johnny Reviews - Mac And Me (1988)

(also on letterbox, if you go there)

You know how there’s a general rule of exceptions for most people’s experiences? I think people in general find themselves developing rules for how they interact with fiction or react to it. There’s things that we like, with thoughts on how the specific implementation of something, and the tropes that arise from it, that we like and dislike how those are applied. Specifically, there’s certain plot or design conventions we dislike or REALLY like it. And the point I’d like to make here is that even if there’s specific conventions you normally like a whole bunch, handling it badly can make even something you’re inclined to like on a genre level just… awful. You hate it instantly and squirm in discomfort when it’s on-screen.

The friends I talk to and share ideas with on a consistent basis probably know that I like aliens and creatures far more than humans on a conceptual level. Partly its that human characters tend to be pretty boring in my book, and I really like xenofiction; works that take place from the perspective of a non-human entity, or that gets into their perspective. And I particularly like alien designs that, disregarding musings on what specifically can make a design WORK without having to necessarily make it human-like just so long as they can emote in a way that conveys character to an audience, aren’t human at all. The Na’vi of Avatar are not this; I honestly feel that while their designs are cool, they’re a marked divergence from the established biology of their planet in a way that feels like missed opportunity, but not to the point I dislike them. The appearances of the Autobots through the various Transformers movies does this well, both the more monstrous Decepticons and the heroic Autobots applying this in different ways (that can incidentally also come off as the Autobots trying to appeal to human sensibilities by tweaking their forms while their foes don’t even bother). The prawns of District 9 are possibly the best depiction of this in cinema off the top of my head, being thoroughly inhuman but nonetheless showing a great deal of character and elicting sympathy from audiences despite their insectoid, monstrous appearances, conveying great charm despite being so different. They’re kind of a peak of making something HUMAN without making them actually just humans.

Mac And Me has many things to say about it. But if I made the horrific mistake of trying to claim its weird puppetry and character design was even CLOSE to having a hope of having any kind of similar response, I would be a liar. And I assure you, hypothetical reader! LYING IS BAD AND I DO NOT LIE.

I have to give this movie a small amount of credit; as unpleasant as the alien designs are, there’s a fair amount of character that goes into them. It’s honestly hard to say WHAT, exactly, though I honestly get the feel of a family dynamic not uncommon from the standard iddylic family in movies of the age; the well-meaning father who is wary, a mother trying to keep her kids calm but internally panicked, and a kid who honestly doesn’t know better but is still worried because of the unfamiliar environment. The body language is done respectably enough to indicate the character they have, though their whistling noises are more off putting than anything.

That said, there’s a big difference between the cognitive ability to recognize something on its own merits, and actually RESPECTING and liking those merits. The alien designs here are ugly and uncomfortable, and I don’t know if they were SPECIFICALLY going for what TV Tropes calls the Ugly Cute aesthetic, but I sort of suspect it is. ET is arguably the defined example of that aesthetic, and this movie is clearly trying to imitate that look. However it also kind of veers into a strange case example of the Uncanny Valley; the phenomenon where things become deeply unsettling, offputting or just plain scary if they look close to realistic humans but not quite.

Its a complex matter whose fine details are outside the scope of this review, but the relevant point is that there’s roughly two aspects of the Uncanny Valley important here. If it looks KIND OF like a human but just slightly off, that’s a deeply unsettling, and a similar reaction happens if it doesn’t really look human but has just enough qualities to feel inhuman, you get a similar feeling. In my experience, the ideal nonhuman design is something that doesn’t draw much from human facial designs and has enough emoting to resonate with human audiences; people seem to give much more leeway to a radically inhuman design (such as a non-humanoid bug or dramatically alien designs).

ET is a great example of avoiding this problem; he’s odd looking, certainly, but he doesn’t look at all human and still can emote. He’s not humanlike at all, but you can read human characteristics and responses from him.

Mac and his family don’t do this; they’re very human-like but not completely, so they come off as tremendously off putting and deeply uncomfortable to just… LOOK at. This combines with a bizarrely cartoony quality that feels deeply unsettling combined with their awkward movements and facial expressions being both excessively expressive but also very limited. They bounce in and out of the Uncanny Valley in a very uncomfortable way; if their faces have been much less human-like, this probably wouldn’t have been a problem, but they do odd things like getting sucked into vacuum devices or turning into Stretch Armstrong dolls and given that they’re otherwise not very cartoony, its a deeply jarring thing. It probably would have been interesting if that was the intended result!

The plot of the movie itself is straightforward; aliens were accidentally pulled into a probe and wind up stuck on Earth when the probe returns, and everyone (human and alien) is equally panicked by each other and Mac’s family reveal their surprisingly destructive capabilities and flee. In the ensuing mess, Mac is lost and in a strangely cartoony series of events, winds up befriending the titular ‘Me’, a young boy named Eric, who has recently moved into town with his single mother Janet and his older brother, Michael.

The movie switches around between the respective experiences of Mac’s family (his mother, father and younger sibling) and Mac himself. Mac’s own exploits spend a while having his actual nature obscured to the other characters, with his actions blamed on Eric. Mac’s family goes back and forth between fleeing from government agents in pursuit and their own experiences attempting to navigate human society and deal with the panic their presence causes. There’s a certain fish out of water quality that’s kind of interesting, but it also feels like the movie can’t quite make up its mind if it wants to do quirky alien friendship or emphasize the unintentionally destructive power the aliens unleash when they’re panicked.

This does lead to an interesting quirk of this particular movie; ‘keep the friendly alien out of the nefarious clutches of the Government’ is a pretty common plot thread in movies like this. Usually the government and its representatives are fearsome, often inhuman in their detached pursuit, but here its a surprisingly nuanced take. Both sides actually have a relatively reasonable attitude to have here; the aliens are scared and can’t understand anything around them so they lash out, and they DO manage to communicate that sense of uneasy fear, but their destructive power, along with the comical incompetence of the agents, makes it feel pretty nuanced, most likely by accident.

I’ll admit a lot of it had me bored; the characterization of the humans is a surprising saving grace. I was genuinely surprised that the older brother was a supportive, friendly and goofy character without a hint of bullying to be seen, which is to only be expected from most family dynamics in films like this from the era it was made in. Eric being an explicitly disabled protagonist and the movie rarely comments on it or regards it as unusual is pretty refreshing, too. It might not seem like a big deal now, but it was back then; there’s a reason Optimus Prime in the G1 Transformers animated series had an important moment in encouraging a disabled human companion to follow his dreams.

(Tragically one must not muse too long on Transformers, least the review go completely off track. Oh, but for a world where this movie was a Transformers continuity of some kind. At least then the aliens, even if rendered as, I dunno, a Sharkticon, would have a less distressing design. At least then the bug-eyed look would actually fit their intended motif of ‘meant to be scary but kind of cute somehoow’.)

The movie does take a surprising turn when Eric is killed in an explosion (and outright shot accidentally, in a deleted scene that still exists in at least one dubbed variant), and revived by Mac’s parents. The store scenes leading up to this are also given a certain amount of genuine tension on both the sides of the aliens and the shop-goers. This leads to Mac and his family becoming proper US citizens, which I didn’t expect but I honestly do kind of like, and I do remember thinking that this actually did make sense rather than trying to get them home (which is not really in the power of anyone involved). The brief bit about them being obligated to serve in a military context if necessary was surprising, but by the standards of the time, that’s probably a bit more idealistic than it might seem now, since it DOES indicate human rights. (For lack of a better word.)

In broad strokes, the human characters are pretty okay. They’re not all that interesting, all things considered, at least not to me. They are a bit refreshing compared to a lot of family dynamics in movies like this from the time; the older brother isn’t a bully, the mom doesn’t come off as COMPLETELY unreasonable in her assumptions that Eric is responsible for all the destruction Mac causes (apart from… well, he’s confined to a wheelchair!), and again, instead of being purely antagonistic the government agents feel quite reasonable and everyone involved being in some degrees of panic, rather than the amoral feeling you often get in similar films from characters like that.

On principle I suppose I ought to feel more well disposed to Mac and his family. I always vibe with aliens and nonhumans in general, even leaning into joking apologist levels (such as “No robot antagonist ever did anything wrong if they did it to a human, because humans are just the WORST and robots are awesome’). They do a good enough job of communicating a sense of fear and genuine fascination in turn, and their incomprehensible language IS a bit of a waste of time, but their body language communicates a fair amount despite being so stilted.

However, they’re just so… unsettling. They move in a really off-putting and creepy way, their stilted movements feel decidedly unnatural, and the constant tone ping-pong from whimsical silliness to actual violence and impending chaos just feels uncomfortable. And again, you know what else is uncomfortable? The designs of Mac and his family!

This movie requires a lot of sympathy towards those aliens; to care about them and find them appealing, and they’re just so uncomfortable to LOOK at. If I, noted perveyor of ‘GOD DONT THE HUMAN CHARACTERS IN EVERYTHING JUST SUCK MOST OF THE TIME’ thoughts, can’t stand the aliens here, I don’t know if anyone else would be willing to make that effort. Their designs are uncomfortable on a really intense level and every time they weren’t on screen I felt relieved, because they’re just that unpleasant to look at.

Them becoming actual citizens is still nice. That very unwarranted sequel bait closer, however, is very much overly optimistic.

(Despite growing up in the era this movie was generally made for, and it was in fact released the year I was born in, I only heard of this movie because the initial character of Homestuck, John Egbert, has a poster of it in his room. This probably should have been foreshadowing, because one of John’s particular quirks is that he really likes movies that are specifically bad, and the joke is that his taste in movies means that he genuinely thinks they’re quality movies and its not until he’s older than he starts to be able to notice flaws. While this is played for drama in that case, John’s only comment on this movie in particular is agreeing with a friend that yeah, its absolutely a bad movie and he refuses to defend it at all.

The fact that this movie’s brief mention in Homestuck, in the context of a character whose central joke is his comedic fondness for bad movies and inability to realize WHY they’re bad, is that he absolutely thinks this movie is terrible… well, that should have been foreshadowing for me, I think.)