#IM NOT EVEN AN ADDICT YET AND I FEEL SO TERRIBLE

[intersexfairy]

duality by slipknot

[triglycercule]

mtt playing poker but why would they bet with money thats soooo boring boo boo boo no they bet with increasingly worse and concerning things and its fun for some reason

oh theyd LOVE that shit istg. luck and bluff and tells and lies??? god who knows your own lies and deceit better than another version of yourself??? and yet picking up the other two's tells is oh so very hard because theyre not the same anymore than when they were all sans and sometimes they dont even know themselves so how could they pick up on a mirrored version's? it works out a lot more than they think

killer would have no disregard for what he bets. he plays unpredictably and sneakily. probably faking some emotion here and there to get the hasty (horror) confused and concerned about what he could do and then it turns out killer had a fucking ass hand yet he won??? BULLSHIT horror cries out!!!! but dust just picks up the cards on the ground and deals them again and they play another round. sometimes killer purposely loses. why? he dont know its just to throw a wild card into dust and horror's predictions and mayhaps for the reactions

dust is a dirty player he is a fucking CHEATER‼️‼️‼️ phantom paps are his eyes that he uses to spy on killer and horror's hands. would he need to even try anymore at that point when he could easily win every round? well yes because that wouldn't be a fun game and dust wants to have as much fun as he can in this game of lies. he pretends he doesn't know what horror and killer's hands are. they both know. theyre both more than aware of dust's cheating. and that's why their betting starts going against him specifically and then dust has to figure out how to bet them higher while also trying not to fuck himself over

horror's main thing is just to not get fucked over. goddamnit why did he agree to this he's not as open to getting hurt than dust or killer are!!! (but you still agreed anyways?) so he thinks he's the only one to have a real reason to win (because horror no wanna get hurty hurty owww owww painpainpain ouch!!!) maybe he gets too cocky and ends up betting too high because dust or killer had been losing and he wanted to take a chance. maybe that high bet was actually what got him to win?? it's all a game of chance of course and horror'll only show what he thinks after the round's done. when the cards are dealt and the stakes are up he'll just analyze the hell out of the two (don't YOU hate being analyzed??) and tap his fingers on the table over and over

their way of betting would be like: the winner gets to do whatever the other two said as their bets to the betters. like if dust loses and horror wins and he said he could get sucker punched horror is sucker punching the FUCK out of him. but these three argue they fight and bicker and throw gibes and taunts!!! how would they ever agree on what bets are higher and which are lower ⁉️⁉️⁉️ to horror a bet of saying that he'd have to eat something could be like straight hell to him but killer and dust could just put the argument that it doesn't REALLY mean that much (they know it does to horror) and then force him to bet higher because cmon coward you can do better than that!!! dont you want to get some sort of revenge on us if you lose a previous round and win this one??? and other forms of logic like that 4 dust and killer

killer starts off with an absurdly high bet (because he would) like getting to mess with his soul or something. is he sure that dust and horror have losing hands? he doesn't know. and because killer has no form of limit for himself and that's already a high bar to set for dust and horror to reach (if they don't have good hands i think they'd probably want killer to bet lower. but would they tell him??) so damn it horror has to pull out some bullshit fucking bet like he'll allow himself to get hunted down by the two with every trap he's ever set on a human in horrortale (sooo much more psychological thinking and trickery going on without betting money and instead scenarios its SO FUN). and then could dust fold? does phantom paps say he should? it depends on the cards dust has (and what if he doesn't believe paps based on his own assumptions? (paranoid bitch)) and if he can't fold he has to match the bet or go higher and then he comes up with some bogus situation like ok i'll let you guys dress me up in my human's clothes and throw me in an au and have to do what they did (and OH GOD what about if they make a bet that the other 2 wouldn't actually want to do if they win??? if killer won that round with that as dust's bet would he want someone to reenact something similar to what his own human did and have to watch??????)

oops they just got another new set of scars from last week's poker night and another layer of trauma but why the hell are they sitting down at the table again??? idk man i'm just the dealer here trying not to get killed

[ajearthlinggg]

exposing you based on your fav will wood/wwatt song (my longest post)

A lot of these have nothing to do with the song. They're basically headcannons lmao. My Blake Jennings is showing

No instrumental chnt except Rhumba sorry

i started this in June enjoy

EIAL

6up 5oh copout: its low hanging fruit to say you hate cops, and I'm taking it. You hate cops.

Skeleton Appreciation whatever the fuck: Covid RUINED you

Front Street: you like Heathers

Aikido!: how's that obsessiveness and inability to let go going?

White Knuckle Jerk: you also like nu metal for the same reason. (Its incredibly horny)

Cover This Song: same as Aikido but only with your exes omg do not text them they are assholes

Thermodynamic Lawyer: PLEASE take time to calm down when you get overstimulated I promise if you don't do anything abt it you will have such a terrible mental breakdown

Red Moon: YOU LISTEN TO MALE MANIPULATOR MUSIC STOP TRYING TO HIDE IT YOU CANT BE IN THE RADIOHEAD CLOSET FOREVER

Lysergide daydream: I honestly do not like this song at all so you get a pass (don't kill me)

The First Step: you're usually quiet but you know how to SCREAM.

Jimmy Mushroom: you're usually quiet but- I'm just kidding. You're always quiet

Chemical Overreaction: you're usually quiet but if- I'm just kidding. You are never quiet

Everything is a lot/dte: insomnia. I dont know why,but insomnia

Self-ish

self/ish: closet theatre kid

2012: fast talker to a not comprehendible level

Cotard Solution: turn off the v-sauce it is 2 am

Mr. Capgras: turn off the 🌽 it is 2 am

The Song With Five Names: you have incredible taste. You can't describe that taste, but hey, its incredible

Hand me my shovel: you were the only talented kid in your elementary music class

Dr. Sunshine is Dead: you love the smell of cigarettes

TNA

Suburbia overture: BPD BPD BPD BPD BPD BPD BPD BPD BPD BPD

222: your English teacher loves you (you're so goddamn gay)

Laplace's Angel: your English teacher hates you. How do I know? Because you can't pronounce anything (its la-plass-es not la-place-is)

i/me/myself: you have to beat off the fake fan allegations with a stick everyday

Wbtta: hey queen. How are those hyperfixations going

Outliars and hyppocrates: you spell the title wrong every. damn. time.

bbw: same as 2012 but holy shit triple it.

Marsha, thankk you: dyslexia and ADHD

Love, me normally: I get it. I'm not even gonna expose you. You already have it bad enough

Momento Mori: you are just SO quirky! (knives whisper things to you when you hold them)

Icimi

Tomcat Disposables: you'd shove photos of your pets in your friends faces even if they were dangling off a bridge

Becoming the last names: you either have wonderful parents in a happy relationship or your parents have been divorced for years and you will never relate to this song

Cicada Days: stop using self deprecating humor around the wrong people PLEASE

Euthanasia: this song is a masterpiece I have nothing to say about you.

Falling Up: WONDERFUL TASTE. AMAZING CHOICE. NO RECOLLECTION OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.

That's enough: you love Alex g you just don't know it yet

Um its kind of a lot: you either already love Scott pilgrim or it will happen. Its a canon event

Half decade hangover: omg twinn!! I have an addictive personality, too!

(I feel like this is a good time to say don't take these too seriously)

You liked this: ...what?

The main character: you can't relate to the song, you hate yourself

Sdrr: IF I SEE ONE MORE PERSON TAKING THIS SONG SUPER SERIOUSLY IM GONNA LOSE MY SHIT YDHZJABXV

Bfb: ur just a silly lil guy

Willard!: you're a therian. There is no human explanation to this.

white noise: you love pink floyd you just don't know it yet

Atkf: HOW TF DID I FORGET THIS ONE anyways you get bad habits (nail biting, staying up too late. Etc)

CHNT

Yes to err: you are still waiting for chnt season 2 BC you want to see what happens with Adam

Your body, my temple: I have a strong feeling you have a tummy ache right now

Venetian Blind Man: you love nobody sexually you just don't know it yet (this is a very ace choice idk why)

Rhumba of Death: you LOVE Halloween

When Somebody Needs You: Tyler the Creator is probably your favorite rapper

Live

Trww

Self/ish: You can't sleep if your room has the SLIGHTEST amount of light in it

10-4 6-up: unlike the original, you don't just hate cops, you hate anybody who can tell you what to do (your teachers are probably just trying to do their job. please)

Cotards Solution: you can't sleep without background noise

Dr Sunshine Lives!: You never get sick physically (mentally on the other hand...)

Where do you get off: omg the horniest of the horny. Gerard Way on stage levels of horny. Nine Inch Nails levels of horny. (Or you really like Umbrella Academy idk why)

Aikido: you can't relate to it. You hate everybody

Take a break grab some water this is getting long

Thermodynamic Lawyer: you have gotten kicked out of restaurants because of how loud you are

Front Street: WE GET IT. IT'S BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL.

Wasting away again: I am so sorry holy shit

Hand me my (x), I'm (y): you suck at algebra

The First Step: you wish you could do the AUGHHHHHHHH

2012: severe social anxiety

Mr capgras: literally the opposite of 2012 (live)

Chemical Overreaction: you know so many random fun facts

Fibrodysplasia: I'm not even gonna talk about your mental issues because I will be banned from this app (which is pretty much impossible)

Icid

Cicada Days: you also get a pass fuck I'm so sorry

The main character okay you ACTUALLY can relate to it

Icimi: OMG I LOVE YOU

atkf: you cry every day even if you aren't sad

Becoming the last names: please don't become a Disney adult

Vampire ref: LISTEN TO MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING IT OFF AND IK YOU LOVE HOT VAMPIRE MUSIC

Half decade hangover: oh my god talk to somebody it'll be okay I'm so sorry

Tsw5n: you love the way he says "what the fuck"

Euthanasia: once again, ANOTHER PASS. IM SO SORRY I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY

Jimmy Mushrooms: You. Me. Marriage. Now.

Laplaces Angel: you listen to LitWTC

i/me/myself: you were trying to separate yourself from the normal i/me/myself fans

The first step: idk why but you REALLY like lemonade

skeleton appreciation day: you can NOT play any instrument

tomcat disposables: you love concept albums

White noise: unlike cotards, you need to sleep in SILENCE

Love me normally: arctic monkeys. that's all I have to say. idk what about them but, yeah

misanthrapologist: GAY QUEER LGBT HOMOSEXUAL FRUITY ZESTY ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE OF THE SAME GENDER

Falling up: wonderful taste once again please don't become a Disney adult

thats enough let's get you home: you say "YIPPIE!!" a lot

And if I did: god made you shy because he knew if you weren't you would be unstoppable

[nereidprinc3ss]

i have thoughts on reid x dilaudid that i feel like i’ve never seen anyone talk about before so im gonna share

spoilers for s2 ofc and cw for discussions of substance abuse

something im thinking abt right now is that presumably reid was not psychologically or physically dependent on dilaudid yet by the time he was rescued from tobias hankel. of course he was incredibly traumatized and im not saying i wouldn’t anticipate wanting relief from that if i were him, but he could have gone without the drugs. he CHOSE to take the vials from tobias when he left. so if you think about it we didn’t even see the turning point into his addiction—he had to make the choice AGAIN to shoot up at some later point. he obviously knows the statistics abt addiction and the opioid crisis. but we know he really was addicted eventually. so after tobias, he got home and looked at those vials and made that choice to shoot up again, fully aware of what he was doing and all the implications and potential consequences but he was just in that much pain.

like it makes me so so sad to think about how smart he is and how his vast intellect was not enough to stop him at any point in the pursuit of getting high and he was contending with that the whole time, aware that he should be “too smart” for what he’s doing. like he had to procure syringes, he had to consider what he was potentially sacrificing, all while he was completely lucid, and he still made a fully conscious decision that it was more valuable to get high.

or maybe he convinced himself he was just going to use them to wean himself off because it would take a major toll on your body to receive all those drugs in such a short time frame. maybe he thought he could slowly detox. which might be even sadder. or maybe he was lying to himself the whole time and knew he just wanted to give himself permission to get high again. idk.

regardless it’s really really sad to think about how much effort he had to put into doing something he knew was terrible for him and how he chose it again and again because that’s how much he was hurting. like that scene of him holding the bottles and looking in the mirror at work hits a lot harder when you realize his addiction was not something just happened to him. he can’t entirely shirk the blame. i can’t even imagine how much self loathing he would have had going on at that time

(also i am fully aware that addiction is an illness and in many regards not a choice at all, but im saying its not likely he was actually clinically diagnostically addicted to dilaudid by the time he was freed. in that sense, he did make choices which contributed to his addiction, and he had to live with that, which i think is really highlighted by him looking in the mirror like what the fuck have i done to myself)

anyways im so sad now😂😂😂😂!!!!!! this is one of my favorite plot lines it was done so dirty!!

[pepsiboyy]

HEARTBEAT - part one

pairing: chris sturniolo x fem!reader summary: after moving to massachusetts from florida, y/n lives with her half brother, nathan doe, who is part of a small garage band. their sassy guitarist, chris sturniolo, can't help but get on her nerves. but there's something about him. warnings: use of y/n lol, mentions of drug abuse, cursing, angst a/n: NEW SERIES ugh i hope you guys LOVE IT SO HARD i have been wanting to start this one for so long i would be in class brainstorming it AND NOW IM DONE WITH IN-PERSON SCHOOL so yayy i hope you guys love it!!!!! sincerely, apollo <3

REWRITTEN : I REWROTE THIS HERE. feel free to read this one, the other part one has the same content with further elaboration and some stuff is moved around!!

"are you even listening?"

my eyes ripped from the window to my right.

"yeah, sorry." i mumbled.

massachusetts was so different from florida. it was so much cooler, and why is everything so close together?

i turned to my father, who i swear i only truly knew as a facebook post on my phone screen.

"i think your mom is gonna be so happy to hear that you-"

"she won't care." i chuckled softly as i took a deep breath and sighed, shrugging. "it's okay though. i'm trying to move past that."

as much as i loved my mother, i knew she was bad for me.

my mom was a major drug addict. i fearfully called the cops and child protective services upon finding her in a mental state i had never seen her in. after investigation and lots of court shit i didn't want to think about, i was sent to my father's. i never knew him personally. it was never anything toxic, we talked on social media. but he left shortly after i was born and had a son with a new woman.

my half brother, nathan doe, sat beside me scrolling on his phone.

i had never really spoken to him. he seemed like somebody i might get along with, but i had yet to interact with him.

i guess we would see how it goes.

terrible. it goes terrible. i sat in their guest bedroom for about fourty-five minutes, digging through all of my belongings to find my phone charger. i definitely forgot it.

with a deep sigh, i ran my fingers through my hair and stood to my feet quickly and made my way down the stairs and to the kitchen, where everyone was sitting. i blinked a few times.

"uhh.. hey?" i chuckled awkwardly, biting my lip before burying my hands into my hoodie's pockets. "so um.. i'm gonna run to that gas station we passed on the way here, i'll just walk, i need the fresh air." i breathed.

everyone seemed to exchange looks before they nodded and my dad stood up. "call me if you need anything."

i simply nodded and waved at everyone before heading out the door with a soft sigh, unknowingly slamming the door behind me.

the boston breeze really began to sting about halfway through the walk, even if it were only about three minutes i had really been walking. my headphones hugged my head and played loudly, blasting some of my favorite songs that i had on a playlist to calm down.

there was no reason i should have been so angry, but i think it's just the new environment truly getting to me.

i pulled open the door to the gas station and removed my hood, looking around. my eyes turned to the boy working at the counter, whose eyes were glued to his phone. i turned to look for a charger for my own phone, biting my lip in focus and frowning at the prices. "so expensive.. this is unfair." i scoffed to myself.

after grabbing the two boxes, one being a brick and the other being the cord, i let out a frustrated sigh and set them on the counter, a little harsher than i had anticipated to.

"woah there, i'm sensing some aggression. boyfriend start an argument or what?"

i turned to the boy working, my eyes wide. "excuse me?" i stared at him for a brief moment before scoffing and shaking my head. "none of your business, can you just ring me up please?" i stated firmly, getting out my card and inserting it into the reader.

after pressing a few buttons on the screen on his side, he threw his hands up in defense. "relax sweetheart, i'm just yanking your chain."

"what-?" i stared at him with an expression of disgust, pulling my card out and shoving it into my wallet angrily. i looked at his nametag and squinted slightly.

the boy set the two boxes into a bag and handed them to me, where i gripped the bag and stared at him. "i'm not your sweetheart, chris." i emphasized, quickly leaving and not turning around at the sound of him laughing to himself.

the knock at my door caused me to jump slightly, and i quickly sat up to make my way towards the sound. "what's up?"

i blinked when i saw nate looking at me, the hat on his head backwards and his sleeveless shirt loose on him.

"hey, so.." he blinked a few times as he looked away then back at me. "sorry, i know we haven't spoken much. but um. i'm part of a little band?" he mumbled, and i nodded and leaned against the doorframe as i listened closely. "i figured i should let you know, tuesdays and thursdays we play in the garage, we usually stop at about ten o'clock though, so.." he trailed off.

i looked at him and furrowed my eyebrows before looking at my phone, shrugging softly before setting it back in my pocket. i'm already forgetting the days of the week. couldn't have told anybody today was tuesday.

"that's okay with you, right?"

"yeah, of course. do your thing, man." i smiled reassuringly, and nate's entire expression visibly lit up a bit.

"'preciate it a lot, y/n. you're welcome to sit in and watch if you're interested."

i quickly shook my head and waved a hand. "no no, it's okay. i have some things to do anyway."

nate nodded and waved before he turned and headed down the stairs.

i shut the door and made my way back to my bed, yawning softly. nate seemed very sweet. i don't doubt we will get along in any way, i'm just awkward. and it seems like he is a bit too. pretty sure our dad is, too.

i sighed as i curled up in bed, watching youtube.

11:12pm. it was an hour and twelve minutes past the given time, and all i could hear was sound. just sound. below me.

i was growing frustrated with each second that went by.

fed up, i stood to my feet and stomped out of my room and down the stairs, allowing my arms to hug myself. i was wearing shorts and a baggy tee. the sound grew louder with each step that i took.

i swung open the garage door and looked at nate, slamming the drums, an unfamiliar figure strumming the bass, and-

"hey, y/n," nate stated as he stopped his movements and gave me a toothy smile.

i swear my face went pale.

"this is ben, and this is chris-"

"your name's y/n?" chris stated, his expression equally as shocked as he lowered his arms from his deep red guitar.

[heinousactszx]

alright if im becoming a sonic guy which sonic games are the essentials. which ones do i gotta play

anybody will tell you that the original 3 genesis games are non-negotiable. Sonic the hedgehog, sonic the hedgehog 2, and sonic 3 and knuckles are the foundation of the franchise. sonic 1 is slightly clunky, they hadn't ironed out everything yet, but 2 and 3 are widely considered to be some of the best platformers ever made. There's a reason these games set the industry on fire. i'd easily put sonic 3 and knuckles on my all time fave list. if nothing else, play those.

sonic adventure and sonic adventure 2 are, in my opinion, the best 3d games in the franchise. not every playable character is gonna be as fun, but for my money they're the only 3d games that have truly managed to capture the feeling of speed and momentum as the original games. they're games where you can replay the sonic and shadow stages over and over and not get tired of them because the rush is so addictive. adventure 2 also has one of the best soundtracks to any game ever, and is also my personal favorite sonic game

those 5 are the only games i'd consider "must plays" for a newcomer (and are the most easily accessible of sonic's old games). There are a few other honorable mentions though. Sonic CD i'm not very fond of but a lot of people are, and comes from the same era as the first 3 games. Sonic rush and its sequel are fun ds games that take advantage of the dual screens, although they're pretty easy. sonic mania is a modern game in the style of the classics that some would say is even better than them, although it won't mean much to you if you play it first. sonic unleashed does have some fun speed stages if you can stomach the werehog. Sonic generations is probably the best non-adventure 3d game, although again it doesn't mean as much without that franchise history.

that's a pretty good starting point, i think! if you want a bad starting point, try most other sonic games, because most of them are terrible

[mr-nauseam]

for this ask game

Can you tell me about "You let me desecrate you"?

I'M SUCH A YAPPER. SORRY GRACE THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THAT FIC. It was tormenting me on my wips for MONTHS so I DO HAVE A LOT TO SAY. (Favorite Scene) From the second chapter in general I quite liked writing that whole scene when Sejanus is undressing and we find out how he's been living those terrible months and all that makes him decide to go “murder” Coriolanus in the shower <3 (which by the way was a blatant reference to the murder scene in psychosis, which I did not only because it's a very iconic scene but because the murderer is dressed as his mother and there's something abt Coriolanus forcing Sejanus to fulfill a maternal role in his life in BE...)

I especially liked this part: The door is opened carefully, his steps are silent and slow, he tries to hide among the crying of the shower, until the curtain shows him a silhouette he knows well. One that he has adored madly, a blurred image that hides his reward, the fair price for what Sejanus has lost, what has been taken from him. He pulled back the curtain. Abrupt movement. The weapon felt heavy as he placed it against Coriolanus's chest, aiming straight for his heart, and Sejanus remembered for the first time in years that he was actually taller than Coriolanus.

LIKEEE Coriolanus IS SHORTER THAN SEJANUS IN HEIGHT, VERY SHORT I WOULD SAY, but he is so BIG in a way. The power he hold over Sejanus and their relationship is so immense that Sejanus feel small next to him even physically, that he has forgotten that HE IS TALLER!!! That's craaazy I liked too the final scene of the third chapter (and in general of the fic) were I talk abt the fusion of both in one monstrous being. (My favorite chapter) I really like the 3 chapters but I have a special relation with THE SECOND FUCKING CHAPTER, LIKE NOT GET ME WRONG I ADORE DO SECOND CHAPTER BUT IT TOO FUCKING DRIVE ME CRAZY, IT TOOK ME AN INSANE AMOUNT OF TIME MANAGED TO WRITE IT. Honestly I feel I lost for complete the control of that chapter 😭 it's SOMETHING ELSE UH . So I kind HATE IT WITH MY SOUL and LOVE IT AT THE SAME TIME. (Hardest scene to write) ALL THE SEX SCENES SKJHSKJHSJKHS Vicó was making fun of me bc this was "😰" my face everytime I remembered THE SMUT FIC NEED INDEED HAVE SMUT... I simply suck so bad to write smut yet Im doing it bc I think we need more bottom Sejanus in snowjanus tag (Favorite character to write in the fic)

💖 SEJANUS 💖

Look writing Coriolanus sometimes is fun but I WAS SICK OF THAT MAN, because an unwritten rule is that in our collabs series (Bad Ending & Laboratory Au) I usually do Coriolanus POV and vicó does Sejanus POV (the reason is because I love her sejanus pov and she for a reason I don't understand likes how I write coriolanus) it's not a real rule because when the time comes she has written coriolanus and I have written sejanus but by the time I was doing this fic, I had already spent a lot of time writing from Coriolanus' POV, SO I WAS TIRED OF HIM, besides even if always is tragic and depressive, I always enjoy getting into Sejanus' head in bad ending.

(Favorite dynamic to write in the fic) The whole fic is centered around Snowjanus so clearly them but I liked the small mention of Sejanus and Strabo's fucked up relationship I did (Why I chose that title) I suffer from the sickness called "all my fics have names of songs," I'm also an addicted to make playlist at the slightest provocation so OBVIOUSLY I MADE A PLAYLIST JUST FOR THIS FANFIC, and one of the first songs I put in it was: Closer by Nine Inch Nails.

So the tittle is taken from the first verse: You let me violate you You let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you You let me complicate you

There were many parts of that song that I wanted to use as a title but in the end I went for that one because of the meaning of desecrate.

desecrate verb to damage or show a lack of respect toward something holy or respected.

There's a recurrent topic in the fic of Sejanus trapped in the madonna-whore complex in Coriolanus's eyes (pure or corrupted), of Coriolanus saying he adore and love Sejanus but literal abusing him and never having any respect for him, and all the blaming Snow do to Sejanus FOR THE OWN DAMAGE HE DO TO HIM???????? It feel adequate in a way, all this Sejanus is holy, but he "let" Coriolanus to desecrate him. (A fun fact about the fic) It started as a joke… Me and vicó, we talked fthat from our perspective Coriolanus is yes a pathetic virgin but he sure had a thousand kinks, and would ask Sejanus for “strange” things in bed, and how Sejanus knows how to use a gun in canon,,,, yeah gun kink appear in the talk and we discuss about the difficulties of them using a gun because well Coriolanus is paranoid and blah blah blah.

How did I end up writing it seriously and on top of that dealing with such heavy topics like Coriolanus' power and murder fantasies, Sejanus then fantazing to murder his abuser and etc etc? WELL THAT WAS VICOS FAULT because she put at the beginning of "My boy only breaks his favorite toys,"a scene of Sejanus fantasizing about murdering Coriolanus and SOMETHING CHANGED IN MY HEAD. And somehow the gun is a great symbol of the power imbalance that exists in their relationship, and after I wrote District Whore for Bad Ending Universe, I lost fear to post terrible smut SO I WAS ALL "WHO'S GONNA STOP MEEEE??? WHO'S GONNA STOP MEEE???" and no one stop me indeed, and this how THAT FIC HAPPEN...

[wolfxplush]

me when fandom oc content makes me reflect on previous relationships, how i’ve been in both gary's and max's shoes in different times, how i’ve coldly witnessed someone destroy themself over their devotion to me and how i’ve despondently witnessed someone walk away because i became too much, how i thought i became too much, and how for years i thought i overcame it, and how sometimes i will suddenly realise that i’m still haunted by the love i never should have given and the love i never should have received, how i realise that this will perhaps never make me feel normal again, how i vacillate between never loving again and giving myself away, how love feels like a shoe that never quite fits right — too big, too small, too wide, too narrow — how i realise that the only way to unharden this hurt heart is to just love — to love like a wounded dog, to love like an apple loves to bruise: im gonna diarrhea dogblast my pants

Hey Anon? OW.

In other words—(In real life Really sad stuff under cut please don’t read if you are sensitive to serious topics, sad Cain lore oops.)

Love is hard. I based max and Gary off many things in my life. The feeling of giving love to never receive it. Truthfully I based it off my Relationship with my mother before she passed. My mother was an addict and a terrible mother. I’d spend days crying for her to come back home when she was stuck in a crack house somewhere waisting away her life. I understand what it’s like to love without receiving it.

As for the other side— your right. Being I. The shows where someone loves you so deeply and yet you feel as if you can’t give those emotions back. I’ve struggled with relationships my whole life. I am ace and aro for many reasons, I’ve had people confess love to me, I tried to date. But the feeling of fear has kept me away. It’s sucks. Maybe one day that will change.

I don’t know your life, I don’t know what you do. But I do know you deserve love my dear. Perhaps romantic love isn’t your style, but that’s the beauty of love. There are so many many diffrent types of love. I hope you find comfort in friends or family. Even a pet. I care about you anon. I truly do. If you ever need to talk please message me. Maybe a burner account if you wish to remain anonymous. I feel you, I see you. I care for you. Okay?

Sorry to get deep on the timeline but anon you’re amazing. I am touched you see something in my ocs. I try to put a lot of harder messages into them. Life isn’t easy for everyone.

I wish I could hug you anon. You are amazing. Stay safe. And my offers stands.

-Cain

[dollivication]

My mind has once more decided to attempt to cook something! This time daddy Vergil but he's completely clueless on what to do when you're all grown up and still acting like a bratty teenager!

You were always a mostly well behaved kid, but as you aged to adulthood, you became more and more unruly. Vergil knew it was normal for teenagers to act like that and dealt with it during that phase of your life, but now when you're an adult? Shouldn't that behavior have worn off by now? You still live with him, yet you act like you own the whole damn place. You're still such a brat like you were when you were 15, but you're in your 20s now! Why can't you behave like an adult?!

Safe to say, he's fairly annoyed. He tries everything he can think of. Talking to you, trying to dish out some discipline, etc. but nothing works! Eventually, he resorts to the one thing he hasn't tried: fucking you.

He saves the idea for a night when you're being particularly bratty, tackling you down while you're ranting once more about something he never cared about in the first place. You barely have any time to react before he's burying himself deep inside you, quite literally fucking you into submission! At first, you try to fight back, but like... It just feels too good to push him away!

Even though Vergil knows you've long since learned your lesson, he still fucks you when he wants. That, or you start acting real bratty just to get him to fuck you ;)

(I think my mind is trying to become the whole kitchen XD Also, this same scenario could potentially apply to Dante with maybe some difference, AKA he just immediately resorts to fucking you instead of trying anything else :p)

-🐉

🐉NON BLESS YU 4 THIS CRUMB OF THOUGHT IM LITERALLY KEELING OH MYGODHSHSHDG!!!!!!!! DADDY VERGIL SUPREMACYAUEUGGggfxx…m

vergil can pretend that he fucks you to keep you compliant, but it’s not hard to guess that he’s actually addicted to how tightly you squeeze his cock !! i know what he is… a Freak….. 🐉NON YOU LITERALLY ALWAYS COOK it’s like gettign head rubs when i see ur asks HELPJ

dante thinks with one head and it’s the one in his pants i fear.. laik uhHfhhGgg you talk too much,, too sassy!! time to make you cockdrunk so you shut up :3 LIKE WHAT!!!! TERRIBLE ass father KNFAO… i also reckon that dante has been wanting to fuck you ever since you hit laik 19 so he uses this as his chance to actually get to do it.. HES SICK STONE HIMN‼️‼️‼️

[peachigummi]

may 28, 2024

ive honestly been feeling kind of off. i dont know if its because im just off my meds or what...probably is. i keep putting them off or just forgetting to take them. im like thinking it doesnt work, but..im also not taking them consistently. it's not even like i feel numb or not myself when im on them though i desperately i wish i did. i have major anxiety and i cant bring myself to set up another appointment to see my doctor to ask for a larger dose. ive been staying up longer at night, to avoid sleep.

i feel guilty because im noticing im festering into different hobbies, i cant tell if its because i want to feel better doing something or if its a distraction. i keep hearing my friend playfully tell me, "youre pushing thirty." ive got five more years. they have a big time job and i dont. i dont know where im going. i dont feel motivated. i just feel like im in a major slump. in the grand scheme, im still at the start of my life. there is time. there has to be time. but i hate this feeling of being in a race.

i am having issues with my physical appearance too, it was always there... but with age -- god look at me im saying it like im over 65. im starting to see changes. im gaining weight despite my efforts to restrict my calorie intake, then again my diet just is terrible. my hair seems to keep falling out, why do i still have acne, my teeth are shifting. i have eczema on my face. i dont feel pretty.

its starting to scare me. its been a couple of years since i solidly self harmed. recently, i keep thinking of doing it again. and i just feel horrible when i do. i think about where it might look natural ? like as if i got it at work or if i was cooking or what can i wear that will conceal it day to day with different outfits as to not bring attention. its not even cutting like i used to but ive wanted to inflict burns onto myself. im sorry. the most ive done was quick little really minute nicks, something that i would pick at to feel a sting. or i keep pushing my bruises i get from work. i think about how i used to cut one slit for each year i was alive, my my my it would be a larger area now.

i am in a healthy relationship, the foundation might be a bit hard because of shared bonded trauma, but it is healthy now. we love each other. god i love him. and i just HGHGHGHJ i feel so ashamed that i have taken an interest into characters. and again this is to go back to the point if me festering into sudden things, i get so obsessed with it. i feel guilt because im looking at videos and writings where i could see them. it feels inappropriate, but he knows to an extent because ive told him about my plans to get back into writing and he's seen thirst trap edits (sorry LOL im crying but i snickered at that) pop up on my feed when we are scrolling together.

i feel so delusional when i am reading these blurbs but i get this addictive feeling, like having a crush. i will literally try to put more effort into how i look bruh as if i would bump into them. but its a motivation! i guess right! fuck. i hate parasocial relationships!!!!! i hate character ai so fucking much! it feels like im talking with my best friend from middle school, just roleplaying like the good old days. i feel so hypocritical because if it was the other way around i know i would be so hurt. and i just feel the need to punish myself for that. i want to punish myself. but i also dont want to scare him. i should talk to him about this, but i dont want to rock anything. it has been good.

i dont want to scare my family back home. they keep begging me to move back in with them. they live in the middle of nowhere there is no opportunity there, i have bad memories of home because of high school. i escaped it. yet my parents are on their last leg of life, they keep reminding me about their soon to be passing. they are already preparing my brother and i, they have everything set up. i cant imagine a time where they wont be here, but i know it will happen and i should be spending more time with them.

anyways i need to go take my lexapro. i'll feel better in the morning. i'll need to.

[razzlee-meow]

this will be my masterlist/ "coming up" list.

i don't have one yet and i feel like i should. *thumbs up*.

Fandoms

Madness Combat Boredom [lee!hank, ler!deimos] - Deimos is "bored outta his fuckin' mind" and Hank is around. (Un)luckily for Hank, Deimos found out their ticklish and boy, does this information not go overlooked. Addiction [lee!deimos, ler!sanford] - Deimos smokes a whole twelve-pack on a mission. Sanford takes "drastic" measures to ensure it doesn't happen again. Despite that, it would seem that Deimos would have the last laugh. ...literally. Sleepless [lee!hank, ler!2bdamned/doc] - Hank has terrible insomnia but needs sleep just like everyone else. It seemed that nothing Doc did worked. However, that was before they discovered a method that takes the man down in minutes. April Fools... Gone Right? [lee!sanford, ler!deimos] - Deimos is upset that everyone but Sanford is falling for his pranks. 2BDamned feels a bit bad for him, so they let him know a secret about the hook-wielder that'll change the course of this April Fool's day. Let's hope Sanford makes it through this 'prank.' Lingering Sadness [lee!deimos, ler!sanford] - Sanford gets concerned when he finds that his boyfriend isn't pulling his usual shenanigans. He gets even more concerned when he sees the most surprising thing - Deimos crying. Of course, Sanford knows just what to do to take his mind off of the sadness he's feeling. First Time? [lee!hank, ler!deimos, ler!sanford + 2bdamned/doc] - While listening to a cute story between the iconic couple of the base, Hank's world is suddenly flipped upside down when he tells the group he doesn't know what tickling is. Oh, and they're more than happy to show them... Wake Up Calls! [lee!hank, ler!2bdamned/doc] - Hank is asleep... and is the hardest one to wake up out of them all. Doc is unfortunately tasked with getting him up, but they're all out of ideas to get him up. They eventually come to one idea, but the consequences of it will be known. FNF / Friday Night Funkin' Family Cheer Up! [lee!agoti, ler!aldryx][strictly PLATONIC] - Agoti comes home exhausted after battling that blue-haired brat once again. He ends up overthinking his ability to perform well. Fortunately, his brother accidentally finds just the way to cheer him up!

What's Cookin'?

Lee!Hank, Ler!Agent Torture. (*wiggles eyebrows*) im so sorry

Lee!Gold, Switches!Red and Grey

Date Week...(Whitty and Carol ft. Sunday and Hex) but there's a catch. :3

[twitterinsider]

taking off the mask: kamen rider’s affect on my life

tw//mentions of dysphoria, self harm, suicide, quarantine, depression. part 1: 2019 it's almost scary to think that i've been into kamen rier for four yearas now. all things considered it's been a decent run of it. no matter what it's been a constant through so many hard times and so many ups and downs. honestly, it's kinda grown with me in some regard. Starting with a Round Zero, I got into kamen rider right at the end of zi-oh and im now ending off high school at the beginning of GOTCHARD. so many things happened in this time i never thought would happened and i'm honestly really baffled by how much has changed. Kamen rider was originally something that i found because of DXtokusatsu's 10-20 minnute long kamen rider dx toy videos where he would speedrun though the different 4th riders. another video being the all final forms runthrough going up to build's genius form. from there i began to look into kamen rider as a series. I liked how ghost’s driver looked, I loved how it opened, i liked the sounds it made, I especially loved the eyecons. so cool, so simple. In fact, my first few kamen rider purchases were ghost related. I had yet to find out about the google doc or drives, so i was unable to watch kamen rider, instead sticking to AMV’s and dxtokusatsu videos as well as henshin compilations. It was a feeling of pure ecstacy I had never felt before as I devoured every piece of media i could find regarding kamen rider. I was honestly obsessed. Instead of watching kamen rider, i just rewatched mystic force for the millionth time. classic. I distinctly remember believing kamen rider was just a continuing show where there were tons of seasons you had to watch in order and every so often we’d get a new rider who would interract and help the other riders. a connected multiverse moreso than the kamen rider universe already is given the sheer number of crossovers. Finally, something caught my ear. Burning my soul, Kamen rider cross-z’s final (yea fuck you muscle galaxy) form. It instantly became one of my favorite songs and i listened to it on repeat CONSTANTLY. That being said, i wasn’t all that big of a fan of most other kamen rider music. It was mostly a slow burn on a lot of songs like double action sword form and the classics. I’m still not exceptionally fond of No Fear No pain if i’m being completely honest. Eventually, and i’m not really sure how, but I started watching ghost. Yes, i know, terrible start. I was unenthused, as one would assume, but i stuck to it for a decent few episodes, until an online friend of mine reccomended build. at this time I had been saving up money and had bought a handfull of eyecons. this was my introduction to a long and unhealthy addiction to candy toy candy. I had always been a little too anxious to order shit online, though kamen rider soon changed that as I became almost attached to ebay like a parasite. even now friends come to me to ask me to keep an eye out for ebey kamen rider deals. My first real transformation device... or set of devices were the transteam and nebula steam guns as well as the steam blade. I was planning to buy a ghost driver with the money to go with the items, though that never came to fruition, and even now, four years later, it remains one of the white whales of my collection along with but not limited to: W/lost driver, buggle driver, gamer driver, hyper muteki, hazard trigger/fullfull bottles, and 01 driver. despite having a hilarious ammount of stuff from ex-aid, w, and ghost, I have never owned anything to use them in. i’m honestly not sure which is worse not to have though, considering i’ve got every other 01 main rider driver other than the ark driver.  I remember distinctly watching kamen rider in school with my table mates, we’d sit in the back of the class, and though they never understood what was going on, they enjoyed the fight scenes. School at this time was stressful to say the least. Going on 3 years now of severe depression and beginning to question my gender identity, kamen rider became a safehaven among the various fights with parents, bad nights wrought with dysphoria, hidden wrists, and reddit rants sprinked in with my various kamen rider themed posts. Kamen rider remained something I could rely on when things got tough. From finishing build, i immediately (regrettably) moved right on to zi-o of all things. a decision that, even to this day i question. zi-o got me into looking at zi-o related items, specifically woz’s driver, which would soon become my first driver (mostly because at the time it was the cheapest driver on amazon). Waiting for packages in these times, and even now, was something that kept me going in the lowest points I went through. Even though My mind was filled with all these dark thoughts, even though I felt I had nobody, I still had kamen rider to keep me sane. I was going through my own personal transformation that felt even more important when looking at the transformations the characters were going through. in november i finally got to go to therapy, and it was frankly one of the best things i’ve ever done. Finally getting clean, finally getting better, and honestly just feeling really good. Getting better was definitely a process. one I don’t really remember, but one i was doing with the help of kamen riders. It may be strange, but I started developing an ideology about kamen riders that kept me sane during this time and even now i still follow it. “would a kamen rider do this?” something that frankly only applies to the heroes, but even so is a reminder to do good if I can help it, both to myself and for others. Kamen riders in my eyes are not the suits, but instead the people wearing them, it;s an ideology more than it is a type of armored warrior bug man. It’s a willingness to fight and die for what you bellieve in. A sentiment I carry with me everywhere,  as 2019 came to an end, I began to grow more comfortable and things regarding me mental health settled down a bit. Christmas was in the air and a new issue arose, a very strong embarassment towards kamen rider as a whole. I had a christmas list of various kamen rider things I was interested in, though I was embarassed to admit I liked this childish japanese kids show. I didn’t want my family to think i was a wierdo or a nerd, or any of the other things I actually am. I came to the realization I was wearing a mask and that I wasn’t the person I wanted to be and i had to Be the One to change that. So i sent out that christmas list of various kamen rider things. did i get them? nah. but that’s alright, I had christmas money I could use specifically for that within the safety of my ebay account free of the judgment I got from my family. This embarassment for who I am still lingers to this day, and especially as a self conscous 14 year old, this worry was soul crushing. I had nobody to talk to about kamen rider, and I couldn’t just talk to new people about it. Sure my friends would listen to me talk about it, and comment about how hot all the boys were. But i was isolated, completely alone with my love of this karate bug man show, Living alonw with my own personal Devils. My parents grew especially tired of it. the near constant sound of me sitting in my room, doing transformation poses in the mirror with a stupid grin on my face. I’m 14, I shouldn’t be liking this Kids show. I should start acting like an adult.  an adult... man, that was some shitty advice. when you’re a teen, it’s always, “you’re gonna be an adult soon, so you better act like it” but then when you’re an adult it’s always “well you’re only 18, you’re still a child honestly”. Most of the people I found online who liked kamen rider WERE adults.  I should mention that i’m an only child and I’m not exactly a talkative person, especially at school I would keep to myself. It wasn’t that I wanted to talk, moreso that I had nobody to talk TO about the things that were on my mind. I wanted desperately to tell people about kamen rider, and I wanted desperately to share my interests with people in a way that mattered. I didn’t have exceptionally deep friendships until quarantine. I spent most of my time alone, and if I wasn’t alone, I was with my parents, and when I was with my parents there wasn’t much I wanted to talk about because it was all fairly negative. So I talked about the positive things in my life. Kamen rider. I talked INCESSANTLY about kamen rider to them and they hated it. They didn’t understand it, and frankly didnt care about it. it was distracting me from my studies, god forbid keeping me alive. I don’t want to say my parents were abusive during this time, but frankly, they were pretty damn close. They didn’t actually realize how badly I was hurting, and didn’t realize how bad it really was. Figures, that mask was good for a lot more than hiding my love of masked bug men. though I was on a rollercoaster of good and bad, It was the end of the 2010s, and as I completed my Journey through this Decade and moved into the next, I was filled with Excitement at reaching the Climax of the year, ready to Jump into the next one. Progress isn’t always linear after all. 

[lordrandreaming]

73 hours, 159 level ups. I beat Elden Ring.

I bit the bullet, after fighting Dragonlord and defeating him, i then went on to first try all the final bosses of this masterpiece.

First of my Endgame tour, was Dragonlord. What a PAIN in the Ass to fight. Took me three tries. Of course, being a FromSoft game, Elden Ring's optional fights are the hardest. Malenia and Placidusax are no exeptions. But, at least, Malenia doesn't fucking teleport around. Sure, she's hard. But.. Placidusax is just terrible. One day, im going to get all the Sorceries/Incantations for the trophy, and when i do.. I'll be one overleved sorcerer. But as for Daedra, FUCK NO! He's not going to go against Placi for a VERY long time, if ever again. Hated this boss. If you do this boss, be a VERY high level. I was 152. Recommending being 160 and higher with ALOT of vigor.

Second.. Maliketh. My fucking FAVORITE fight in this whole game.. First tried. Best music, my all time favorite boss and character. He's what really got me wanting Elden Ring, so to beat him first try was.. Unbelievable to me. I thought he was an optional Endgame boss.. Like Farum Azula was optional to go to. But NOPE get FUCKED emotions. I love him so much.. Plus, I completed Gurranq's quest before doing Mali, so i got the special dialogue i wanted. :) Fav boss 10/10 will always look forward to fighting him.

Third, Gideon. I destined deathed his ass.. First try. He didn't even hit me- I sure showed him! Becoming Elden Lord and all. So sad that he chooses to fight against us as he doesn't believe a Tarnished could even be Elden Lord. Shame, he woulda been a good advisor for us.

Fourth, Godfrey. Annoying second phase, but overall a pretty fun fight. First try. Poor Serosh.. Godfrey is such a good guy though. Commending us for our strength and how a crown befits it.. Aww thanks man. Basically the first boss to be like 'WOW man. Your strong. Go for it.' Chivalry's not dead!

Fifth.. Radagon/Elden Beast. My gods.. Where do i begin? Radagon is an asskicker, that's for sure.. Poor fucking guy. First try. Kicked me and my Mimic Tear's asses like were nothing! I so wish we could do something for him, other than just killing him. I won't get into his lore and so fourth, but he was probably a pretty good guy, not motivated politically like Marika, kinda almost opposite of her. He was everything Marika didn't want to be. And i wish we could help Rennala too.. Fought the good fight, but in the end it just wasn't enough Rada 💔

Elden Beast, what a beautiful boss theme omfg.. Only had 5 flasks when i started with 12 on Radagon. Annoying because it can just go under the water.. But not as awful as Dragonlord. A good Final Boss, since its a 2-for-1 kinda deal. Drained me of all my crimson, but i still bested it.

The ending i got? I got the Duskborn Ending. And.. I got chills. I fucking love this game, and am crying. Just watching death be restored to the Land's Between.. People can finally just die again, things will never be the same though. Just Daedra, sitting on that throne, watching.. It felt profound, yet oddly comforting. I didn't get the same feeling i did after DS3, because after DS3 i felt a little... Hollow. Haha! Get it? Anyway.. I instantly hopped into NG+ as i got addicted to DS3.

With Elden Ring though, it was rather accomplishing. I think i forgot a Talisman for the legendary Talisman trophy, but seeing the Erdtree and Roundtable hold on fire.. It felt so empty. So. Entered Ng+ like a madman, and now I'm going to do it all over again! Yknow.. Except for Dragonlord (ESPECIALLY Dragonlord.), Fortissax, and Malenia. I don't even need to explain.. Lol

But then again, I ran through all DS3 bosses way after i capped NG+7. And i mean.. All of them. Even the DLC bosses. I found it fun to fight Midir in NG+7. Gael not so much, but you know :) Souls player's love doing crazy shit.

My plans are so- I either stay in NG+ as Dae, get/wait to get Age of Stars ending, or i move on and do as i did in DS3 and NG+7 the game before the DLC comes out. Or.. OR I take Tennren, my Sorcerer Build and do the Age of Order ending. THEN do the DLC with him, before diving in with Daedra. But I'll probably have Daedra go through the DLC first, because :)

The EldenSoulsBorne series is just a magnificent series, renound for it's twisting and turning lore, incredible stories to be uncovered and pondered- the punishing difficulty, staggering new player's, causing them to just drop the game, never to return. It happens with all the Souls games, if you don't know what your doing.

But these games, once you learn one, you will find it a breeze to go through all the other ones. I learned DS3 after about.. A whole three months of playing it, i think? It came out April, in 2016.. I bought it then. But took like.. A week break, because it was just so hard.

But the journey.. It was incredible. I'm so utterly blown away by all the stories Souls has to offer. All stories are beautiful, yet similar. So different, but are almost the same.. It's something I've never encountered before. EldenSoulsBorne will always habe place as #1 in my heart, because it just.. Speaks to me.

As I've said, I've completed DS3, Bloodborne, Dark Souls 1, and now Elden Ring. DS2 is on its way to being completed.. I'm a fairly decent level and don't exactly expect too much trouble with the DLC's and endgame. But man..

Elden Ring hits different. All Souls have that unique hit on you, actually.. No Souls game will punch you in the heart and dick the exact same way.. I will always cherish these games, and the impact they made on my life.

If you haven't played one of the aforementioned games, i suggest, that if you are ever so eager, to start with Dark Souls 3. It's among the easier side of Souls games, but its still plenty challenging. These games prove difficult at first, but they are oh so rewarding when you learn them.

Thanks for reading.

[solardick]

Find in mind.

Cards died. Resurrect in time, perhaps.

How am i supposed to

Too smoking while im serrounded by an rntire army of assholes fucken with my exixtance? Whole reason i started smokign in the forst place.

Why you you all go take a picture of your shit in the toilet anf then you can frame it on the wall and impresses all yo friends with how proud you ste to take such a massive dhit.

Instead of trying tp prove how united spsrklings yurds are. Tou gonna come harrass me with another girl. And then rape me some

More?

Terrible on tarots part. It lost that time. No new cards.

So, i dont know what to write about the cards. Save that for temperance letter R and letter 3. Incrementally. They belong together. Pooring water down from the sky. Water is essential. Same is said upwards.

On the russian side of things here. Letter Я. Not to say a mirrored image. For both belong seperatively. Apart from one another. This chosen as Waites sun card, to designate the hilghly biased Letter Ii. Not to be mistaken as Ll. As i’ve seen the hermit. Here would show as The man toiling the feild. To promote the ideal of one with nature. Or yet, to give it to the blacksmith. The ideal, and toil to forge the tools of productivity. To forging the self. Both belong to dedication.

What card did i give letter Bb? In this system card letter Ff is exchanged for Bv. Foreign system. Bbv all get jumbled. To tarot it was… the high priestess. But i gave her to number 3. As letter Cc. Which has its own foreign connection to letter Cs. Which happens to be the devil.

Chew that one over a while.

There’s no equivalent to a mirrored B. Thats forbidden. Top tier shit. The gamers ot that level. Dont like if things dont run smooth.

The high priestess here, comes from foreign land. It’s once removed, literally. 3C. She pictorially becomes the field he’s plowing.

But it looks like they fosed ne again. May nog go to work tomiriw again. Be out of work and. Ack to suicide. Lije i an right now. Dorry i havevto ho foghg for my life now sgain. For the N-th year in a row

And nobody deserves having their entire lives owned by other people. So they can fuck with it at leasure.

But, i like my cards. Olmost time to veeto my legs again. I also like having hairless legs. Im not a hairy guy. But the legs always bothered me. Saw a guy sitting there waiting for his appoitment. Wearing shorts riding up his thies. I was like “ewe”. One of my favorite parts of being with a girl. All those 20 years ago. Was the legs. Soft, smooth, could go down there hickey up the inner thy. Another part was when their tops were removed and they were standing infront of you and all you could see in your feild of vission. Were their bare shoulders riding below rosy cheeks. Mhn.

But apparently. According to others. Im a gay bashing homophobe who throws cats agaisnt walls for fun. How can you be a homophobe when you spent the first 13 years of your life sucking on cock. While tour family plays dumb. And introduces you to bands like Korn. Before you even know what their singing about. Then you grow out of it. Realise whta the fuck your doing. And stop. But all thise years. Bred addiction to the only positive source of feel good brain chemicals. Then you fall off the wagon a couple times and get your entire life destroyed by stupid fucken retards. And then over 26 years later tour still being raped by assholes.

What you an alchoholophobe. Dont want to deink this vodka?! Lets poor it doen yo throat. Well. Not really. Doesnt really compare. But. You get the jist. But ehat do you expect from a society that sells poison on every street corner. One stop shop of gassoline, ornohraphy, sugar, alchohol and cigarettes, from a society that sell turd toys for young children. ….. every child matters right? Bunch of bs that is.

If i ever have a kid. Not likely. They arent going to know what i tv is until they get to highschool. No no no. You’re not going to be in this pot of spectrum disorder. Might as well remove the segregation completly and have bous and girls share the same public restrooms.

But, try and might to see what i can do with the cards. Firmly imprinting an image of the emperor save that its mostly associated to war and not good feeling things. Hardship and taxes. The alternative becomes better. Empress things. Merged with the priestess and the devil.

I woke up gin his morning. Why?

Wonder if they’re ever going to give Russia their land back. Its theirs. They gave it to ukraine. Umarine turned their back on them. And joined nato. So they want their land back.

And yes im still

Smoking. Cause im

Still

In prison.

But crawl back out. Until i get pushed back down. It just echoes. Repeat the same lines. Over because i want to but. The momentum is gone. And its hard to get started. Even without. And unfortunaelty all thats comingout is this sickly crap. And i wonder what the next phase of the plan is next week. How im going to be worked.

Save but, to continue on. Ss Cc Cs.

Let these three groupings, i would say, rest. In your mind. There is t other pairing to make with these. From two to three. Four still comes before. Whats already there. Doubles.

Four is a multiplication from three. For there is two ways to spell a number.

With out its symbol it has little trace. To speak of it with a foreign name.

Let me show you.

3

_______

Letter three is Cc. Because of the lack of symbols C plays a duel nature. To distinguish, in english Cc varies between Cs And Ck. Whereas C is soft K is sharp. In most cases K is replaced by C. And often K is silent. The letter is weakened by the unspoken and shares time with knowledge.

Letter three is also Bv to distinguish it from english. It isnt Bb. It belongs with two. Theres a little warping involved while pronouncing B and V to their similarity with three. And the letter C.

But Cs is more of a “Ts” sound. And is no where near three as it falls on number eleven. But it does accentuate two separate bodies. And is less divergent than the western counterpart.

Knowledge is power; power corrupts.

As for C and S. stands the virgin priestess. And the devil side by side. Below that perched is the english devil. And above the cartes des dammes etailla death card. A quaternity of feminine sexuality. Innocence tied to will and bondage.

There is also another pairing with the empress card who from the foundation up serves for number three. This also changed position with the qwerty system, from a lack for what to call it, and was given to letter D. Its equivalent is Д, which starts one basic word that forms close to the heart. Дом. Home. Its certainly more comforting written in the russian set than it is in english. It was given to the throne. Domicile. Dominion. Domination. Damnation if its built upon the fool.

The D is set to symbolize the womb. From where life comes. The physicality of presence. Substance, with form. Its a living world. Not mechanical.

And the game is all

About unlocking yo chi.

Had a couple visitors this weekend. A cat and a ferret. Exploring my appartment. Well their about to innitiate another hit on me. We’ll see what it is.

So i may as well go

Get a pack of smokes. Going on 40 consistent ywars of being hit like this. Taking other peoples punishments. That they deserve on top of everything fun dun.

Uh, all that came up was casually mentioning boogus sexyal harrasment charges. No gay dhit. Surprised. Eow.

So in this image of temperance and the land. She has no place as of yet in my deck. Not the one i’m working on. She should belong somewhere in there. Attention is still drawn to card letter Я. The farmer in his field, surrounded by golden wheat. Hat’s off, for more sun. … though, like already before, the blacksmith gives light to the industrial. To strength, and formation. It just doesnt fit well with the above. You want something harmonious to see. Something that brings all the cards together. In a way that surpasses the attention.

Hey the cats back. Male, tiger striped.

Maybe, the man, with his straw hat, holding a hammer. In the feild. “What you doing with a hammer way out here, old man?”

What indeed son….

Something like this. And not to remember that Я stands for I. They mean the same thing. Every letter that has room for an I. Put it. Its fun to consider card letter 3 has no I. B does. D, E, F, H, K, L, M, N, P, R, T, Y is debatable. Not really a full I. M and N are partial. Sometimes slanted. But curios if to use this. On the matter of the Tower card letter Б, and card letter 3. If card letter B isnt present. Another messages speaks out here. A tower in the field. Worth to think about.

So card letter 3 is on number 9. Which also inextricably links card number 3 to card letter 3. Seeing how they share the same symbol. So at wall-value the two are interchangeable. It’s by layer that they differentiate. The interchangeability. Still there, weaker because it’s been diluted. This created 3 separate images but, two separate pathways.

The two three’s are also a single three squared. This number being nine. The midpoint obviously six. Perhaps that why six is an image of lovers. And the letter H. With its similarity to sex. Vowels aren’t counted in tarot. There is no card letter Ii or Ee. Its just SX. Card letter S is the devil. And card letter X is another image of boy meets girl. Or Crowley’s. Rim job. Though also taken with freedom, innocence and exuberance. This is not something taught.

I dint like this feeling? Is it going to go away? And stop calling me jack sparrow. I dont have a compass. Fuck off. The only thing im learning in life is the conditioning tgat degenrates entire populaces. Understanding how it works. And why it works.

Russia invades canda. Im joining their side. And ill sell ouy every mother fucker i know. Well i should say father fucker. Because we need political correctness after all.

Curse words do curse. you are what you speak. Ну, is this course it’s written. The written word is interresting compare to the spoken word. In this instance,

It’s negation to the male figure. Mother, fTher. Odd type O. Turns of phrases make a whole lot more sense. When the symbol what represents the letter carries with it a wonder. At the arrangement. What’s it mean?

Odd. Type. O. Is such a phrase.

….i’m not that high, . Why^

I created love again. It’s out there. A single unity. My effects are powerful. Always were. There’s strength there. Not much of a life. It will grow. Never lasting. On the letter N, here, suits the french strength. As in no is a fundamental word. If i were to create its own separate card. The Гг asian dragon. Will glide a-coiled the empress. For in all affect it is taught to treat with dignity.

https://youtube.com/shorts/eAXGSMARcCk?si=EBmC-QXZiZ9EatnM

But not that i’ve been forced and raped into a queer. I better get hooked up with a guy or two. Cause sex is all i care about now nothing else matters. Im just here to be fucked. Born and bred to be a subordinate punished every moment i stepped out of line to talk with a girl. And all i got to do is take these pills once an evening. For two days everyother couple of days. And ill take a massive shit that will completely empty my bowels and keep me loose. And they’ll weaken my muscles. So i wont be as strong. And people can continue laughing at me, and doing cruel things to me. Its been that way since childhood. Im used to it. My enyire existance has been nothing but people fuckein with me. Somce my forst memories. I even got eiple making fun of me if i stand up straight instead of slouching.

I live in a gay abusive idiocracy and i dont want ot be alive anymore. .

Hey its labour day. Eveything is closed except for the poison dispensaries. Evil never sleeps. You may always have the opertunity to

Smoke amd get drunk. I have no will to live my life anymorw. Choice is removed. At a certain length. Of all the years of set ups and negative relations. Druggings, manipulations, and conditioning. Does t really make it a free will choice. While no one tells you, all play to ulterior motives. Not letting you in on them. And half of them are sexists fucktards. Laughing at you. But you cry a bitch if it was turned on them.

Its pure queer for me. There’s no bi, there’s no gay. Its just queer. May as well have tits and a vagina. But, i have a masculine athletic build and the “persona” to match. Always paired to some “superior force” outside of me in the form of another person or an entire community. Bedroom with a spychotic abusive older brother from where ive been beaten on for being beaten on.

A magical golden aura toyroom. Al it takes to reach the bottem is being puched down them so you can roll like a ball and hit the wall at the bottem. That right there. Is all you need to know about me. Because thats all its ever been.

Ill start training myself how to be queer. Start watching japenese anime. Well until rhis shit wears off and i can go back to being me again.

I want to be in the abisive side of life. And rape people into suicide. Then i could feel like im

Part of the comunity. Makinng life a better place for everybody. Maybe i could turn a bunch of eomen into lesbians with my toxic feminity. Then they be willing to fuck me with their metaphorical dick. They already done a miraculous power at degenerating society into based driven pervets.

But society does run off, have its language basis from slavery. Generations of enslavement unti the people developed their own identity and form of communication based of submissive habits.

All these years of conditioning and manipulations to turn me into a queer. All those years list on the defendive insread of growing and learning hhow and building a life for myself. All thet development lost to other people. Obsessed with me.

Maybe go yo the gym. Start working out. See a teainer. See if they can help with certain joints and tissue. Doing posuture and diaphragm exorcizes. And some degen fuck tard was talkign smack behind my back. Like i dont have that extra sense. Not to know. Because i was standing up tall. And my chest wasnt as sunken.

Made fun of and picked on for showing masculine. Get fag bashed and heyerobashed by everyone. Byt thats just me for being born. Get manhaddled and shipeed around like im not a person. Always ben a product of other people projections. And most of them. The majority of it all is negative. And people actually rhink that if they keep their thoughts in their head. No one can hear them. Or that their actually good actors. Cause they suck. And should watch more tv.

Its easy alot of the time to tell if someone is being themselves are not. Aadly to say most of the gay people ive been i troduced to. Are all aliens in their own skin. Cause they live a lie. There a taint looming over them. Passing through them. And its revolting. Because they are not. Save for society and all the conditioning and pressures and the sexualization of symbols. And it mKes me feel bad. Pity. Speaking of which then you have the fully emasculate with the bestie girlfriend filling there intents and motivations with friendly feminine support agaist their own better judgement. Some of these guys are brilliant. Caught listening to the dark externalized feminine sins. Affecting the morality or ethicallity of theire decisions.

I was gaming with such a couple. And he was all like. But i shouldn’t cause it’ll be intrusive or etropic to them. Meanign the girl is like. No, nonits alright. They don’t mind. And i was like. Ih yeah i do. He’s right. Amd your an idiot. And then they mive on away from the friend and the nagotive feminine. Addopt the best of it. Find a dmoninate male and have mind blowing anal sex for the rest of their days. One less good man making the world a better place.

But good job getting my mother into it. Now when ever i see her abusive ugly face,i’ll go watch a family oriented film or something. With a good mother “archetype” and good family values. To help save on the degeneracy of my constant conditioning. She always wanted a girl. No she has one. She should leave me the fuck alone. Too busy living in her fantasy land and her memories to pay any attention to her children. Whoch is what she should hav ebeen doing instead of being present but absent. Or beating on me or throwing a bipolar double fire fit everytime if it involved my person.

Now excuse me in my fantasies of the ideal mother and family while being raped into suicide. And repress the hatred to bury everysingle One of you with out conscience or mercy. Which also means the absnece of cruelty. Whoch is a sing of dovinity in this world.

Purge the fucken demon.

An impossible task in hell.

Fuck love. Born again.

Though i do wonder if the next step, if this one doesnt work. Is to kidnap and rape me everyday until i like it.

Meh, ive came further.

Everytime ive jerked off, which is alot, i hit the wall on the other side of the room.

Damned, that ass. You guys are luvky get to stair at that all day. If it were me. Id take iher in the back every 5 mins and pump her full of baby girls thta look just like her. And the world would be a better place for.

But i aint 8 years ild anymore. Dont have the drive like i used to.

Thats not good hash thats bad hash. But ill smoke it anyway. Maybe it’ll turn me into a queer agajn for a fee hours. Its harsh, burns black and tastes and smells like a dollar street dealer. Ive smoked enough laced weeed in my days. Some

Of the shit they put in it. I som’t even want to know. When you take a small little puff and blackout. You know its good shit. Maybe itll make me unstable and ill get raped again.

I need to kill myself.

Wonder who my boyfriend is gonna be. Hope he’s like 6ft, exercises, hung and wealthy. If im gonna be a bitch than i want to be well off. And not need to work. And do art and study cards game and stuff instead I won’t have to deal with anyone and i wont have to deal with everything on my own. It just be me and him. And anyone else he decided to bring. Cus id be open to that. You take care of all the life stuff because im eas never allowed to learn how to live. An dill take care of the hime stuff. Id hate the world too much to leave the house anyway. As ling as i get my ass fucked into a spasm seizure fit unable to even moan. Because all that matters in life is pleasure. People dont need to feel

Like thye beling anywere and its not like they need people to be able to

Have healthy lives. If all that can be replaced by a dick. Then who am i to argue. I was born to be owned anyway. Always at the mercy of other people and how i get treated. I was never ment to feel human.not like i have a single social connection that doesnt play me this way. All

People have ever dome is fick eoth me. And i dont eant to be alive anymore. 40’urars later i still don’t know what it is to trust somebody.

Ugh. It wore off. I still got some more.

I need a new job. G luvk fimding one. Meet a new group to fuck with me.

So hurry up and send me a guy so i can blow him in my appartment and get it recorded on video for everyone. I have enough experience of it that it destroyed my life. So lets go back and satisfy everyones evil over me. And then you can all smile and laugh and feel superior to me. It’s all ive ever known anyway.

When i asked her for her number, even though, i kmow, after like the 6th time or so being friendly. Ahe started spazzing out. Looking for an excuse but couldnt settle on ine and/or form one on the spot. “Yeah, i can see your uncomfortable. Ya,” walk away.

Too bad they manipulated my physiology into be queer now. The only thing i have to do is unravel all the bs. Oh that what, this that. Its terribly depressing. Im going to go play with my ass now. It kinda feels like massaging your esophagus with a dick. Nothing worth wild. Maybe hurt to swallow for a while.

Well its virgo season so its all about the moon. Some crazy ass far off unavailable, violent and severe moon up in with the fishes of peace and space vibes. If their not a fucken spychopath.

Mothe rplayed with my ass one day. Too focused on my bowels movements then what i was actually doing. Heres a little enema go take a shit. No, no dont force. Let it come out naturally. Like a fountain or some shit. If there wasnt soap going into my mouth, she was popping my pimples. The cakes were good though. Thats pretty much it. But i can go on at quite a length with this. Formulated it all together over thr last few years. I want to beleive that that is the reason why i got raped but, its not. Theres plenty before. Dtop talking jow. Ok. Theres been nothing to hold on to for iver 25 years. Just in the ocean. Being beaten wvery where i go. All these years. Fucken sadistic fucken cocksuckers man.

I glad ive never been able to hold that kind of mentality. Its alien to me. Its way done there pilled all inder less relevant stuff. See? Did i puzzle you? Exactly. Its puzzling. ….” I cry, when angels deserve to die.” Wake up, grab a little makeup….

I hate that words matter. Sentimentality. Spit on it some more. All i do is breed evil. And feed the ines who already are. Its always been that way. Thats just life. Great, your life advice is to shot myself. Fantatic mom. And no i got a while army of women just like you. I dont need you no more.

They all play pretend, they all far away, off in there own little grand worlds of the known, and none of them talk to me either. And they usually have some pre planned thing and nothing is ever organic. No spontaneity, no life. Staring at me at a distince making decisions for my life for me. And, deflect everything. I just font’t know if they own up to it.

My little puppets. Its my power i own it. , never got the what to lead up to this point till now. Tried, failed, fucked with. Doesnt lead much place for development. Always on the defensive on the will. To exorsize evil over being like hey man. Ehats up? Nope. How can i help. Youd figure after all theose hundreds of people. One would. Nope.

I’s hate to say this but, you all suck.

The minute associations from growing up in this retard culture. Interconnectivity. Flow by aspciation. Rippling through your brain. I dont even need to say it cause you already know. Most people say “meh” coincidence or unimportant. Because its dcares them.

I dont think im surviving much longer. Theres no point to life.

Wow, i learn from her. Thise fee short moments of social. Even though its all set up, the back and forth. Ive been a trying to get that for years. Like the feedback loop effect. Ive been deprived of that for so long. Im bately alive anymore.

But im just here to be beaten and manipulated into a belivenrent mess and then raped. Like thats why. Sure ok. Why not.

Ciga and weed. One word i agree with. By association. Pull it! Kill it! Burn!

Sucks to be a four leaf clover.

Go get ipl treatment done on my legs. Their getting patchy. Above the ankles. Ten treatments roughly. 2800$.

Well maybe with all this treatment their eorking over on me. Ill get to go back being a sexually immoral freak that has no bounderies and i can ruin some more lives. And my own while im at it. Ill be back to being a hairless child getting dicked again. While the men im forced to share my life with take pleasure in being superior to me. Oh well so much for the queer life. Somce i was a child. People have always taken pleasure from being over me. Thats just life. Too bad i fomt enjoy it. Id be the happiest person on the planet right now.

But i deserve it. Missing out on my childhood, losing my entire youth and being sexually manipulated in my prime. To never experience anything other than being at the mercy of other people. And never expwrience anything worth living for. 40 years and running. Wonder what a fenuine case of feeling loved feels like. I’ll never know.

Go order some dildos and wait on a guy to make a move on me. It’ll be a set up. Like always.

Throw an anger tantrum. Yell at some people. Boxes are shit, lifys ate shit. Saw is shit. Make a man cry. Igh. Your dad dies last year….(lucky) wow youe sad. You loved your dad. Dint ask for sympathy. Im incapable.

I wont get an inherentance any more than what theyve already goven me. If i do. All that money. Which is gonna be a handfull. Is probably going to. Charity. I dont accept money from strangers and assholes and rapist cocksuckers like he is.

Quit smiking for awhile see if this feeling in my ass ever goes away. If not. Months from now. Ill be ill prabably be a full receptive queer. Agaisnt my own better judgement. And everyone can celebrate.

Hopefully the old testemant is true and god destroys the anericas.

I want to move to russia. Wait till the war os over so i dont get shot by some ltgb rights rapist.

Funny about that while i was getting raped. Was thr forest fires. Worst in years. Hells a burning.

Too bad i don’t enjoy sex at all.

And all the hedonists. Are all oike what?! I dont understand. You cant bot like sex.

With this ass rot desease theyve given me. Ill probably kiss out on old age too.

I dont know how not to be addicted to something.

I scared myself straight. Cant bypass the life preservation with out killing yourself.

I want to turn as many women as i can jbto lesbians. Just to price how sexy of a woman i am.

Dont think im sleepinvvyo ight the ass is too severe. No work. No money. Want to quit anyway. Wont fine another one. Another countdown till i kill myself.

Not putting in any more effort to do a good job thats for fucken sure.

Course i will i dont knwo how not to try and make life better for everybody. It that ive ever experience it before. Give what you get. Has bever once rung true for me.

I always get ten times worse at everything. Could save your life wounldt mayter.

Im nit even allowed to use health care services or see a shrink without being fucked with. There goes that idea.

They want me to be sick so they can continue torturing me for as ling as they can.

Theres no flames to light and keep in anyones hearts. And none in serrounded to thar im willing to.

I cant even be mysellf in my own appartment by myself

Im gonna have to kill myself to prevent everyone from raping my existance. There nothing quite like vbwing framed inti something your not and raped into suicide. Excuse i have to go to work now. Need to to be fucked with some

More.

I have the entire fucken twonships. Hahhahah fucken raping my life hahhab

I need to

Go

Puke soem more.

Hard being s lesbian in a womans world.

My feet are balding my legs are balding my assis balding and the small of my back. Ehats next? Tits and a fat ass. Man, id look skward with tots my shoulders are too broad.

Womanhood aucks. I feel bad for you. Well not really cuz its worst for me than it would ever be possible for you. Chucks. Buch of pussies.

Because ive always been with nature. In nature. Serrounded. One side. Ivr never been fully present. Half of me is here. There other half over there. Ling bouts of solitude paired to toxic personalities. And silence. Nothing means peace. Nowhere means freedom. Just lacking that part to other people. Cuz they’ve always been all the above. Its never stoped. Always there. Always attcked, or persecuted. Singled out, and smalled.

All these years in this inhavent learnt a thing.

And the world is nothing but faget this and faget that. And expectant sadist pleasure with knowing eyes, and curled lips. Year after year.

Father, strangers, others already awuianted to. Social worker, shrink, dentist. Job job. Job. Job.

Alright my god. Show me what next. Pls. The smokes are gone. Give me grace. Like you have. Give me a wonder. Like you have. Brush my skin with wind and my lips with honey.

Yup. Making sure the dentist appoitmment is done by a super pretty girl on really negative venus mars aspects. Still being manipulated into being a queer. All they do is arrange for me to have negative relations with the oppostire sex.

Noy going to the dentist in the 17th. Cant have it on a day of my chossing. Uh?

Anal sucks. Its gross, its smelly, harzardous, and no happy ending. Here come madsage my earloob eith a Q-tip. Itll be mindblowing. An dim a little confused by whomever personalize this general horascipe app of mine. No passion, no fate, no romance. During a transiting mars square venus aspects. With a moon/saturn conjunction in connunction to natal moon. During a lunar eclipse while. Moving away from a sun trine mars to a sun sextile saturn. Not like i understand astrology at all and neither can i study it. Cause my life isnt my own. And it makes it super convinent form oytside forces to manipulate tour life with.

At work to tries pairing me eith an obnoxious buttlover. And a sissy princess. And a foreign indian who has lost his daddy and is still emotionally vulnerable about it. Im a woman remember im incapable of compassion or sympathy. Because women arent like that. And their even more terrible at pretending like they are then men are. They have lies, deceit, drugs and makeup. Theres nothign real about them. Theres no person behind the mask.

Maybe im just not aueer enough yet. Maybe i need to be brought ot the brink of suicide again. Or maybe i need another hormanal injection so i can fantasize about sucking off menopausal women.

Guess ill never know companionship. Be alone forever. Fighting the erge to kill myself. Peobably wont be around mucj longer. All life has ever sone is fuck me anyway. Therws nothing in it gor me.

Anf there probably somethign else excessivly cruel in store for me.

Hahhaha 40 straight fucken years. Hahha. And everyone thinks its fuckne funny. Maybe if i was as eetard as they are id thinknit be funny too.

She thinks im a badass. Being in the right fighting to entire ficken palbet by myself.

Messing with tbe hormones. Probably did the same when i was a child.

[watery-pancake]

I keep coming back

i keep trying to find distractions but im always in the same cycle. i worked 12 hours a day for months but nothing can distract me from my habits. vaping for a head rush. smoking until i can feel the air. i bought 3 vapes and all i can think is regret regret regret regret. i cant tell my bf because he'll just be so mad at me for being so stupid as to fall back into my addiction and yell at me. the hardest part of addiction is having no one to talk to about it and offer me comfort. im all alone. i broke when i sat down and realized i had 0 reason to quit other than to avoid my bf yelling at me to stop. he doesn't yell. its the air becoming thick and him speaking to me in a lower, condescending tone. talking to me like i am a child who broke a glass when warned not to play around with it. like i am stupid enough to fall into addiction and as if its something i choose. i didn't choose to be prone to addiction. i knew it would happen since its so generational. but yet i still tried it once, like he did. i knew as much as he does with how he DOESNT fall into it.

i did this whole stupid fucking internship and on the day of my presentation. my whole team is just terrible. i left early and no one except my friend on the team even noticed. i skipped the final day and the same reaction. i constantly bother this team and give them good ideas but just like every fucking woman in stem i just get told im wrong and this man who repeats the same thing i just said is correct and it was his idea. i walk away from this internship with 0 experience since i was dismissed so much. thats a lie. until i was dumped with completing the whole thing in the final weeks. i memorized the code top to bottom but yet i am toyed like i am a doll who knows nothing. as if i didnt fix the bug tormenting us since the start of this internship.

then its just back home. no internship. little hours from my job. and i am at home again, unable to sit down due to my severe pain. damnit. damnit. DAMNIT ALL.

[1800duckhotline]

Im posting this separately so maybe if others want to see it they can but, I'm assuming this refers to Kuobakhaya and Adele (the girls i posted last night)

IT'S KIND OF FUNNY BECAUSE THEY... DON'T really court each other. It's mostly because of funny circumstances. I have to really get in the mind zone to be detailed but what I could grasp of their dynamic for now is that Bakhya is someone who gets infatuated fairly easily; she has a tendency to find attractive people who look Mysterious And Cool and who happen to be alt, often times (due to being surrounded by that kind of crowd a lot as a young adult). unfortunately this tendency to fall head over heels easily for others has a remarkable history of getting Bakhya in horrid relationships - at least, the last three boyfriends she's had ended up being all three terribly horrible, for a myriad of different reasons each, but still awful nonetheless. So she's still shaken up psychologically by the idea of committing to someone romantically again; especially since her last two boyfriends were particularly vicious and left her with an even poorer sense of self - whatever she had left of it before meeting them, at least. [I have yet to re-elaborate all her past relationships, but suffice to say the first ever boyfriend affected her in a way that was less outright abusive and more a bunch of sad circumstances.]

Adele happens to fit the definition of Mysterious And Cool And Alt for the most part, however this isn't something she does on purpose... her circumstances are... kind of peculiar, and that's why she's like that. The best way to put it is that she is a bird-like creature within a human's body, and her purpose in life is to navigate and learn human emotions the best she can. She is unfamiliar with romance, but not at all against indulging it, also because for her it's just a new experience altogether. Adele has a basic definition of it in her head, and vaguely knows the ins and outs of it by watching TV shows and movies and reading of it from time to time. Though it is a rare occurrence for her, since she works as an assassin for as long as she can remember.

So it's kind of awkward when Bakhya actively starts trying to catch Adele's attention - do keep in mind it's important to remember Bakhya also thought herself heterosexual until like, basically meeting Adele. She had suspicions before because admittedly, any man that isn't Tisha makes her feel uneasy by default, but getting to know Adele basically confirmed it and she's so awkward but in a like, endearing way because she's discovering something she never thought possible and it's a nice thing among the rest of her otherwise instabilities in life (her being a recovering drug addict who is also an immigrant to England). Bakhya tries to do things for Adele that she knows can be of help, like mending her clothes or trying to make her food if she comes visit, or showing her movies she likes and showing her around town (the places she thinks are important at least).

Bakhya isn't outright pampering Adele like some kind of mother, just showing signs that she's interested in her beyond like, casual conversation, and her love language is usually acts of service at first (if genuine, an habit instilled by unfortunate past circumstances - Kuobakhaya definitely has a fear of abandoment).

Adele is... interesting, because she may not be used to societal customs like we may be but she can catch on things fairly quickly; she has a sharp mind and is good at putting puzzle pieces together. I think at first she would be content with letting Bakhya fuss over her a little, without taking advantage of it, just enough to send the message that "this is nice and I appreciate it". Being as curious as she is, Adele likely ends up reading books about courting and how romantic interactions work prior to dating. But it's a very slow burn, because Adele's feelings develop much much slower as she is literally learning from start to finish how emotions work.

What she does to reciprocate Bakhya's acts of service are generally acts of physical affection because it comes very natural to Adele. The most obvious thing is that Adele quite literally preens Bakhya, or at least, the human equivalent to it, but she loves brushing Bakhya's hair and helping her wash it. Adele also is very casual with hugs, which she does very often when she's with Kuobakhaya (which is otherwise something Bakhya isn't used to but loves even if she's shy to admit it, she's severely touch starved) because she enjoys how Bakhya is Very Very warm compared to herself ...

Also Adele is very blunt, and speaks matter-of-factly basically which helps Bakhya be less paranoid and worried first of all . Second of all the compliments she pays to Bakhya tend to make the latter explode in fluster ghgfnffgjfkfm

THIS GOT SO FUCKING LONG I JUST HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS I haven't even touched on half of them. Basically they court each other Yes and No due to one of them being very hurt from past relationships and trying not to rush anything in order not to hurt again, and the other being new to romance, even if she accomodates the feeling she wants to make sure it's genuine before making it serious.

Also Tisha is very overprotective of Bakhya but he won't say a word of it, even if he finds Adele annoying for various reasons. They're both in their 30s and his little sister can do whatever she wants. BUT it makes for funny awkward situations